#i just love exploring all the more subjective life experiences i guess

[smreine]

I think I made it thru the moon's void-of-course without any business problems, so that's good. I have never known too much about astrology, but I'm interested in anything that humans have found useful for so long. Something like astrology goes back to ~200 bce, so there is something there that appeals to the human mind and seems to apply to a human life. I used to discount a lot of things identified as pseudoscience offhand, but realizing what a modern patriarchal project "science" is has made me feel open to new ideas with full humility. Beyond the skepticism, I want to be open to possibilities in the universe. I think being a hardcore science-minded atheist (which is much of the nerd culture i come from) misses out on the real magic of the emergent properties of complex human cognition. My kneejerk skeptic impression of contemporary Western astrology (which is I assume what I am looking at, mostly) is that it frames ups and downs in life as a normal thing, and urges humans to treat their lives as cyclical, seasonal, which many Americans really need. We're always on, working hard, burning out. Astrology suggests when it's time to do business, or not do business, times for harvest, times for fishing, times for family, times for inner work. Basing it on movement of orbiting planets creates natural-feeling intervals and encourages balance. We're an advanced social species and things we imagine can be "real" in regards to bodily impact. There are often observable chemical reactions to satisfy science. But I don't think we can observe everything possible? I've been thinking about dark matter a lot ever since my 12yo taught me about it (lol) and how we can theorize about it because it would explain the way planetary orbits work. We know something's going on there. It might be dark matter, which is said to be unable to interact with regular matter. For the duration of humanity, humans have had magic, and oracles, and we see *something* going on, even if we only theorize about the cause. Even if the charm of astrology and tarot and oracles and the like is simply that it urges the young to come seeking advice from the old, the experienced, to share life knowledge that is sorta broadly true rather than specifically prophetic--that's really useful and cool! So far, I've found it to be really fun to follow my curiosity about these thoughts! I'm not even seeking answers. I wouldn't expect to find any. I've always been fascinated by oracles and I do read tarot. Even at my most sciencey and rational, I read tarot. I found it useful as a time of introspection. Can my shuffling hands be subtly altered by, say, the position of the Moon relative to Venus to tell me something about myself? When I whisper to the bones before sending them rolling, is something changing their movement, or changing me? Or is it all just a good way to remind myself that everything acts and rests in seasons, and I should too?

[lasiocampa--quercus]

For all those stuck in 2019...

I have been very reluctant to share any art / writing for — oof, five years. First because it was plain awful, then because it was not good enough. It still isn't, but as the years passed I got increasingly lonely on other social media, so this is my last resort. After I've failed smashingly here, well, I guess I'll just have to stop trying altogether.

Anyway, a first time for everything. So here's one for you.

[Detail. Scroll down (I mean to say, read the whole post) to see the full artwork]

We don't choose what we love, now, do we?

For five years I've been desperately in love with the idea of putting two brilliant characters — Eggsy from Kingsman (2015, 2017) and David from Bodyguard (2018) — into the context where they could meaningfully interact and explore one another's worlds. Such a context has been established (it is not the subject of the current post but I'd be willing to tell all about it later), resulting in their taking a shine to each other almost immediately. For Eggsy this acquaintance was something excitingly in between the two class extremes he was most accustomed to, sabotaging his life-long distaste for having anything to do with coppers. For David it was a breath of fresh air. He'd been two years well into therapy after the events covered in the series, and he was still struggling to get back on track when he met Eggsy, arch and lively, and at the same time so dashingly insightful as he was. Somehow it felt like they'd known each other for years as they talked throughout afternoons and after-work hours over a pint of lager somewhere in North London. David, usually rather inhibited, smiled and laughed at Eggsy's jokes, charmed by his candour and straightforwardness, taken aback by his astute remarks often delivered in a childlike unassuming manner. To be sure, he'd never met anyone quite like him. The prospect of friendship was an enticing one despite all their differences and despite the pressures of their jobs. While at first one was suspicious of the other's occupation (David, of course, more suspicious than Eggsy, being inherently averse to secrecy of any kind), they soon grew to respect the boundaries imposed by respective lines of duty (David was inclined to believe Eggsy's agency couldn't be that bad seeing as it employed such a brilliant lad). In effect, Eggsy trusted him more than he could ever trust any of his old mates and occasionally slipped into the conversation uncanny details of his field experiences. But best of all he liked exchanging ideas, relaying to David something that Harry had told — or taught — him, expounding on his reflections that were philosophical or even biblical in essence, although he couldn't ever say whom he unwittingly quoted. David would recognise a concept or two, but he never abashed him by mentioning the fellow's name. Over time the content of their communion had got more intimate, insomuch that Eggsy took to dedicating a huge chunk of time to moaning about his relationship with Harry which had gone on for quite a while after he split up with Tilde.

One such time, fuelled by a considerable amount of drinks, Eggsy set to illustrate the supposed reasons for Harry's recent aloofness. He clamorously hurled his jeerings and complaints at David, impinging on much-cherished privacy of the pub tables. Before it started to wear on virtually everybody in their proximity, David took his noisy, fairly plastered companion outside for a breather. The cool evening air didn't seem to have the desired effect of sobering him up a bit as Eggsy nearly blacked out after a brief (but crucial) exchange between himself and David. That occurrence prompted David to call a cab and take him to his place to recuperate. He reasoned it would not be wise to let him dart off home to Harry in such a flustered state, for it appeared as if the conflict between them was merely an ember, or rather, a heap of embers waiting to be stirred. From then on David's conduct was laced with strange acts of gracious benevolence, such as taking Eggsy's trainers off before laying him down, sleepy and a tad confused, on his sofa and leaving the keys to his flat for when he woke up and presumably wished to go home, with little trim notes strewn around telling about it, as well as where to look for aspirin if his head was giving him a hard time after the other night's drunken debauchery. At the time David didn't question his actions, although they clearly ran counter to his long-conditioned circumspection and, to a lesser extent, his vague views on male intimacy. If anything, the day when he, trying not to disturb Eggsy's healing sleep, snuck away for work he couldn't shake off a quaint feeling of invigoration which seemed to permeate his otherwise dull routine of desk duty. Later that day, confident that Eggsy had left, he got back to a startle in the form of his coyly looking, supper-serving friend with unkempt hair and a crumpled white T-shirt. Eggsy stayed not only to defer having to face Harry, but to show gratitude for David's kindness the best way he knew — by doing a kindness in return. He furnished their dinner table with a bottle of wine, promising to go easy on it and proposing a toast to David's general gemness. There they were, having another quiet night of good conversation, the homely setting and their tipsiness conducing to even more warmth and unrestraint, when Eggsy accidentally tipped over his half-emptied glass and stained his T-shirt. If one could ever be sure of such things, one would say that exact moment was the point of no return, the moment of truth. A simple, ordinary incident that tore down a facade with the light tinkle of glass as it touched the floor. From lighthearted jocularity Eggsy went on to unbosom his brooding insecurity. The change in his disposition was so thunderboltingly sudden it made David somewhat uncomfortable. It made Eggsy uncomfortable too. The only suitable course of action suggested they should comfort each other, so Eggsy placed his hand in David's. A bashful kiss ensued. Once it was reciprocated, little smiles creased their flushed faces. Both hardly had an opportunity to process what was happening, but it somehow felt ridiculously, madly right. And peaceful, too.

Well, now that all the heavy lifting is done by that snippet above we can sit back and (hopefully) enjoy this little picture depicting David and Eggsy decently progressed in their ‘comforting each other’. I must point out, however, that what you've just (hopefully) read is really only a summary, a squeeze if you will, of what transpired, produced specifically for purpose of acquainting you with the context. In actual fact the story is teeming with dialogue and detail which, with your kind permission, I would like to show you some other time.

[sarasade]

Claudia, Viren & The Very Real Parent-Child Dynamics of The Dragon Prince

Sometimes I wonder if I come across like I try to defend Claudia too much. That's not my intent at all. I just think she deserves more and better critique.

The Point I guess

Personally, I really connect with Claudia's brand of messy, unflattering and even pathetic rage and grief much more than the dignified and mature ways Callum and Ezran handle things (More on that later). Maybe this sounds unflattering but Claudia being also kind of an asshole really speaks to me. Like that's the kind of teenage girl I'm the most familiar with and we don't have enough media that has nuanced takes on this sort of troubled character. Exploring negative or even anti-social traits and impulses in fiction, especially in women, is kind of undervalued in my opinion. Those are part of humanity and therefore part of us and this impulse to completely reject them doesn't benefit anyone really.

Finally, some wholesome father-daughter relationship rep in media!

My way to view fantasy media is about how it can artistically portray something true to real life. That's why I'm the most invested in this kind of reading of the text. Fantasy media is often dismissed as mere escapism even by the fantasy fans themselves (*side eyes the dude bro Witcher fandom*) which ignores the emotional depths it can reach by approaching difficult subject matter more metaphorically.

Inject Viren & Claudia's Father-Daughter Dynamic Straight into My Veins

There is something viscerally real about Claudia and Viren's relationship. I've seen this kind of father-daughter dynamic play out in real life many times where the child gives and gives and gives yet the parent takes it all for granted until it's too late and the parent-child relationship is just a mangled corpse of its former self, way too damaged to ever be truly repaired.

Like if you've had a difficult relationship with your parents it can feel similar to how s4-5 Claudia struggles to keep Viren alive while Viren hesitates. The child is the one who tries to fix things in the relationship while the parent is in denial or completely oblivious. Viren doesn't really try to connect with Claudia further in s4-5. It almost seems like he's completely emotionally unprepared to have that conversation and oh boy if you know any boomer parents that's pretty damn realistic. He just sort of gives up and acts completely passive because he's so out of touch with his emotions.

There is also this aspect of your parent aging and then one day you realise that you, the child, are the one who has more power in the relationship. It's a universal experience. These are just some of the ways I can see Viren and Claudia's relationship in seasons 4 and 5 metaphorically portray real life parent-child dynamics. There is a lot of emotional truth to how TDP approaches these relationships even when the story itself is an over the top fantasy romp.

How much Viren relies on Claudia is revealed little by little: She got the unicorn horn for the spell that killed Avizandum, she got the dragon horn that helped them cross the lava to Xadia in s3. It's set up really subtly how there is almost this parentification of Claudia like she's the one who took her mother's place as the emotional center and caregiver of the family after Viren and Lissa divorced. It's a lot of pressure to put one a child to say the least. This extends to Soren and how he is treated as the scapegoat of the family when Claudia is the Golden Child. This sort of treatment of Claudia and Soren by Viren is probably the most common analysis of their family dynamic as far as I can tell.

You ever heard of the thing called "eldest daughter syndrome"?

Eventually Claudia's most admirable and positive traits get corrupted (insert here an analysis of the corruptive nature of the dark magic as a plot device). It's like this perversion of feminine nurturing instinct society values and enforces in girls. Claudia's love is not domesticated but something that's so all consuming it destroys everything in its way. In s 4 she insists Viren has to live. She does everything in her power to keep her family together even against the wishes of her loved ones; first it was healing Soren in and then it was bringing Viren back to life in s3. Claudia has fully internalised her role as the caregiver to the point of self-imposed victimhood.

All The Characters Have a Part to Play

Since TDP is meant for an all-age audience (And later for teens and up since they hiked up the age rating) all the younger characters Callum, Ezran, Rayla, Claudia and Soren collectively represent the kind of different and difficult feelings parental abandonment and neglect can cause. A real person most likely feels all of these emotions at some point of their life but in fiction they need to be spread out among different characters or the story wouldn't work as, well, a story.

"she was a mage girl committing warcrimes, he was an elf boy vibing in the woods, can I make it anymore obvious"

I'd gladly read some more critical takes on Claudia's character. There is something very interesting there about Claudia and Terry's relationship for example. Terry is clearly very enamored with Claudia whom he perceives as someone very vulnerable and in need of help. Terry isn't wrong exactly but it does get problematic when he goes to great lengths to protect Claudia to the detriment of his own wellbeing. While TDP itself doesn't draw attention to it there are also the racial and gendered elements, both implicit and explicit, because of Claudia's fantasy racism and because of Terry being a non-white trans boy character as well. Claudia is the most powerful dark mage in Xadia when Terry is just a normal guy. Given the context of the show there is a power imbalance there.

tHÖ END

Why I'm laying this all out is that I think the Internet would be a better place if people didn't try to constantly find an objective "right" way to view a piece of media but instead were somewhat transparent about what they personally got out of it. I think this Viravos meta is the most popular thing I've written so far and I tried to explain my approach in detail because I don't want people to go "look this person says Viravos is canon!". Jokes are fine of course but taking it too objectively ignores the fact that analysing subtext is valuable on its own.

Idk how to end this. Here, have this meme.

[hazshit-hotel-hater]

The way substance abuse has been handled on the show thus far genuinely upsets me and reeks of writers who either 1.) don't understand the subject matter they're presenting and haven't done even the bare minimum to research it or, worse, 2.) simply don't care.

Apologies for the slight rant incoming, your comment about how it has been mostly "handled" off-screen got me going because that's 100% true and in that truth is such a missed opportunity for the show. The way it has been handled winds up feeling incredibly shallow and juvenile at the end of the day, especially for a piece of media that is attempting to present itself as "adult" and navigate multiple incredibly sensitive topics. I'll try not to get into my own personal experiences and will speak broadly, but the show uses substance abuse more as a cheap character flaw to poke fun at or something to magically handwave away when it is inconvenient, rather than the life-altering, debilitating illness that it is.

Nothing about Angel's use is ever meaningfully explored. It's so (apparently) unimportant to his arc and development that one rude comment from Husk (a character who ALSO has a problem with gambling and alcohol that is never addressed) is all it takes for him to suddenly "resist temptation" and be shown as "recovered" (unless I'm misremembering). Or was he suddenly going to counseling off-screen too and its just another thing that will be told to us rather than shown? And how does Charlie even handle that at the Hotel (I'd be really interested in this as a moment for her character to have to grow/change too)? Does she even understand substance abuse and the many unaddressed systemic factors that can influence it? Or is the entire recovery process just shame based (because that works so well /s) combined with some more corny trust exercises? Why is this incredibly serious topic relegated to the background as if it's unimportant?

Recovery is hard. It is emotional and exhausting. Withdrawal (depending on what you're coming off of) can sometimes mean excruciating, unimaginable pain and in some cases people literally die. It is not a funny "ha-ha I take drugs because I'm chaotic and wild" quirk to be adored or glorified and it definitely should not be presented as something that can be wrapped up in a month or two off-screen without any development whatsoever. That's just insulting.

When you approach a topic like substance abuse and recovery, I personally feel you need to take in all sides of it. All the missteps that come with it (two steps forward one step back - mistakes are expected and okay), the self-loathing, the guilt and shame, the joy, the sense of freedom, the loss, and the best part of all: the incredibly difficult but liberating journey that is rebuilding your life and learning to love yourself and your body again, once you've chosen to be free and to live life.

Mad props to anyone who has ever battled this disease. You are strong, you are worth it and you are valued. Lol I am so sorry for going off here but I so appreciate you calling out the lack of exploration on this topic in the show. I guess I didn't even realize how annoyed and upset it was making me feel (praying this is coherent...).

This was absolutely coherent don’t worry!! Im really glad to see other people talking about this. I myself have not struggled with drug addiction but I have struggled with other kinds and as someone that studies a bunch of medical junk, I’d say I’m decently knowledgeable.

I’m mainly going to focus on Angel for this since he’s the main character I write for, but I assure you other characters addictions are also handled in my rewrite.

During the actual canon show, we don’t see Angel actually abusing substances that often; there’s a few times, most notably in episode 4, but from the rest of the show onward we hardly see anything. Yes in episode 6 they mentioned relapsing, which, mind you, was done horribly, but I digress. They touch on relapsing; Angel relapses, and then… what..??? What happened from that? I don’t feel upset or second hand guilt of any kind from this scene because we haven’t seen Angel’s attempts to stay sobre and off drugs.

His name is fucking Angel Dust. You don’t, I dunno, think that’d entail a higher dependency on drugs? Why do you think he named himself that?

About his name before anything else, the show has so much potential later on to talk about Angel picking out his drag name and why he chose that specifically. So much potential to explore how he views drugs and himself. He sees them as an escape and something “fun” to take his mind off of his actual life. When you die in a fucking coma and wake up in hell as a spider you’re going to want an escape. You will want to ignore reality. I am fully convinced Angel picked his name once he started performing because thats what he needed at the time. He needs to be like that to survive in hell. Angel is an incredibly mentally ill, troubled, traumatised, and unstable person, and being surrounded by so much intense negative influence only amplifies his current problems. I don’t mean to drag Vox in here but in my last redesign post I mentioned how very mildly bad people can become even worse people in hell because of the environment and this is no different for Angel. He’s been surrounded by crime and drugs his entire life and unable to live comfortably because of his sexuality. He has very likely been struggling with substances since he was a teen. Possibly even younger. He is not going to suddenly get over his addiction because of something like this. It could pave the way to him looking into dealing with it, but things like this can take years. I don’t remember when my addiction started; I’ve been clean for 2 1/2 years now I think, but the amount of relapsing and anguish I experienced while working towards that isn’t something that can be done in a few days or months. I still struggle with feeling like I deserve to say I’m recovering.

I’m hoping they tactfully handle this as they should, but my hopes are low. It’s okay to show a character relapsing. It’s okay to show a character feeling guilty. What matters is that the struggle is there to signify they’re trying. For a character with a song called “Addict” you really don’t see much of it. Drug and alcohol addiction is not a silly thing to just twiddle your fingers with and be like “well I guess thats over!” It’s incredibly insensitive to do so.

Whenever I write about Angel’s struggles with addictions, I focus on how small they can feel until you realise what’s actually happening. Just me talking about my rewrite again, but to get my ideas out here: Angel smokes often. He smokes at the studio when he’s stressed, he smokes at the hotel when he’s stressed, he smokes at in alleyways when he’s bored, there’s almost no location he won’t, but sometimes he tries to smoke less. His lungs aren’t the same as humans and technically he has 2 pairs of lungs, but smoking causes him to cough. This is painful in general and especially painful for Angel since he has barbs going down the back of his throat. Imagine choking on sandpaper, kind of like that. It’s painful, he doesn’t like the sound, Fat Nuggets REALLY doesn’t like the sound, and it’s an overall inconvenience, so he tries to stop smoking as much. Periods like this usually go fine for him until the stress returns or he starts to feel the withdrawal. Withdrawal from any sort of addiction is terrible, and in Angel’s case, just from not smoking it worsens his mental state further. He becomes irritable and stressed and that stress leads to wanting to smoke again to calm down. He may resist a few times and those times should be praised, but he gives in eventually. One cigarette to calm down becomes two, then three, and before he can process himself getting carried away, the entire pack is gone. It’s things like this that make addiction horrible. It’s something that deeply scared me when I was struggling. When I was struggling I was still in the mindset of “I can stop when I want to” and then being so suddenly hit in the face with the realisation that I’m not longer in control of this is terrifying. I could not stop when I wanted to. There were even points where I didn’t want to stop. Even just getting the smallest glimpse of this in an incredibly serious manner with Angel Dust would surprise me. To think the bar is this low on a show that seemingly prides itself on tackling such sensitive topics like you said is appalling. Your show shouldn’t have to be told how to write itself.

[aphfanficwriters]

Every month we will pose a question and collate responses as a fun and informal little exercise in getting to know each other and spark discussion. This month's question is:

“Are there any recurring themes in your fics?”

Lacy: sadly no. I jump from genres and ideas too much to have a reoccurring theme in fics. Maybe if i really want to pinpoint one, i do realise my longer fics always made use of science experiments to push the events of the stories.

Tama / @delgumofics: 🤔 probably that evil goes unpunished. Bad people in my fics almost never see justice. Sometimes it's implied that they'll get their just desserts somewhere down the line but it's never anything I focus on while writing.

Wasps / @petiolata: Taboo relationships. Deception. Selfishness. Attachment issues, trauma, and mental illness. Family. Maybe these don't count as themes but are rather just subjects? For something more complex, I guess you could say there is no sense of right and wrong in my stories, or of justice or meaning. Sometimes characters' bad actions blow up in their face, other times they're deliciously rewarded. With most of my stories, the intention is more to voyeuristically view events and characters and take what you want from it. Sometimes I try to capture a feeling or experience but I'm not trying to make some grand point to anyone.

@chibidashie: As most of my writing is sugary sweet, it's that everyone deserves to be loved and that imagination can quite literally take you places you'd never expect to visit in your life! As the funny horse show says in the title, friendship really is magic!!

Emil / @connorsandroids: I don't have any simple 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

@billowingangel: So far no there isn't any recurring themes in my stories. Maybe eventually though it could end up being love knows no bounds or some other cheesy romantic shit ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

@proosh: I find myself trying to approach the question of "what is a nation, anyway?" and all of my conclusions are varying shades of -- most of the time fairly abstract -- horror and that's what I like to dig into from a conceptual and thematic standpoint. Besides that, the recurring motifs of blood being both life and death keep cropping up in my writing, commonly as an extension and extrapolation of the previous question. On a less esoteric level I frequently end up touching on the themes of freedom and duty, and the interplay of power and violence. All of these feed into one another and become inextricably linked on a narrative and thematic level. We have fun here at Prush Studios :)

ciel / @torontofetish: i tend to explore identity and specifically identity loss and transformation. agency and control are also big themes i play around with, and the intersection of agency and identity is my sweet spot. what i write often ends with heavy sacrifice and the complex emotions that sacrifice goes hand in hand with. i ask who this character is, what defines them, and then i strip it away brutally to see what they can become without that identity to hide behind. for obvious reasons, most of my work can be considered horror.

Eru / @eruverse: I wonder if i have any. Actually if i write original stories i DO have it, but prob not for hetalia

Didi / @teaedon: death (mortality), loneliness. sometimes the crossing of boundaries, other times the corruption of love (obsession). probably more, idk

Mossman: Sex

@netherzon: Love/Romance in my fanfics since they’re mostly ship focused, but I have branched out with some of my more recent fics exploring themes like family, good and evil and in between, and how grief affects people

Yukihitomi / @arthurhonda: Super late to this but often the themes in my writing are love and loss.

WhiteWings / @smuttyandabsurd: I want to say a recurring theme in mine is loneliness and the insatiable need for human connection, but the unadorned truth is it's blowjobs 🌚

[animehouse-moe]

Do you mind if I ask your top 10 favorite characters (can be male or female) from all of the media that you loved (can be anime/manga, books, movies or tv series)? And why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before.....Thanks....

You're all good! This is the first time I've been asked this. I'm usually terrible with favorites so I always feel like I don't pick the "best" in hindsight, but I'll try to be as accurate as possible. These will also be in no particular order since they all occupy such different areas.

(edit: I just realized in my incredible morning brain state that this said male or female, but I only read the female part haha. So this is just the female lineup, I guess).

Iwakura Lain - Serial Experiments Lain

Lain's a character that has, and will always remain enigmatic. Subjectivity and personal experience remain intertwined with works like Serial Experiments Lain, so what each individual takes away from it will change. Personally, what makes me love Lain is her desperation to communicate, to connect with the people around her. To make friends, to do fun things with them, to understand the people that comprise her life. But that desire spirals, she gets absorbed (like so many do) and becomes something else entirely. Fracturing and separating herself, spreading those instances across the internet in a desperate way to connect. For existing prior to essentially all forms of social media, it depicts the struggle and addiction that trouble countless people in freakishly accurate fashion.

Iwakura Mitsumi - Skip and Loafer

Had to put them next to each other on this list haha. Iwakura Mitsumi though. I don't hate the approach of a lot of Shojosei in terms of high school slice of life/romance, but I find much more to love with the more grounded ones than the more fantastical, just a personal preference. Anyways, Mitsumi. She's just the perfect representation of high school life. A dash of confidence, a good bit of deep seated anxiety, lots of stress over school and friends, but a positive and hopeful outlook in spite of her stumbling and struggles that's wonderfully accented by blossoming feelings of love. She just occupies a space that is very rare these days, so of course I love her.

Ryougi Shiki - The Garden of Sinners

Okay, hot take since (spoiler) Saber's not going to be on the list. I just haven "completed" Saber's story if that makes sense. I've read a lot, experienced a lot, but I haven't gotten 100% of it like I have with Shiki. That said, Shiki's story. I mean, as a character they're so damn hard to really capture. After all, there's more than one of them, and their story is told through the experiences of others. Shiki as a character, and The Garden of Sinners as a series, just holds a special place in my heart as Nasu's first real creative work that remains untethered by the requirements of a visual novel. If Nasu's work on the VNs is the base level, then The Garden of Sinners stands a cut above from start to finish.

Hatsuseno Alpha - Yokohama Kaidashi Kikou

A robot that is startlingly human, but surprisingly childlike. Alpha was is just the perfect vehicle to experience YKK through. Vast understanding and interest, but meaningful naivete and curiosity. She explores a world peacefully accepting its death, and is able to pull such beautiful moments from it. She doesn't struggle or bemoan the end, but rather takes it in stride and focuses on the beauty of humanity, how it's adapted, what's been lost and what's been created in its stead. It brings it all together under this character that is so deeply passionate about exploring life even under these circumstances, that you can't help but feel an indescribable warmth in her story.

Biwa - Heike Monogatari

Okay, maybe I'm cheating a little bit with Biwa here, but it's just a character that I think is incredibly beautiful. Witnessing the murder of her father, she's taken in by a clan doomed to death, where a man possesses a similar ability to Biwa. Together, she struggles to create the family she never had, all the while forced to come to terms with their deaths. She fights tooth and nail to keep them alive, but her attempts are futile. In the end, she is given her adoptive father's ability and completes what one might call the "cycle". Seeing life and death, the eternal struggle that will never change, she experiences her life, her family, her future and past to its fullest, and commits her life to telling the story of the Heike that she was so fond of. It's a beautiful story centered around Biwa's experiences, and her fear of death and not having a family, truly wonderful stuff. Also Aoi Yuuki kills it as Biwa.

Kusanagi Motoko - Ghost In The Shell

This was baby's first big kid series for me. I'd always watched anime here and there, but mostly things like Bleach/Naruto/DBZ. Ghost in The Shell was the first really big series I'd dip my toes into via those 4 minute YouTube videos at 480p. Kusanagi's nature as the bridge between technology and humanity is endlessly explored and just such a great idea, that through the countless (good) iterations, there's a wealth of her to experience. Undoubtedly an iconic series, and one that's certainly remembered very fondly by me.

Kirigoe Mima - Perfect Blue

Mima's an incredible character driven to the psychological breaking point. Under the scrutiny and pressure of being an idol, the facade begins to crack and what seeps out from the gaps is nothing short of incredible. Satoshi Kon remains a wizard in what he did with his works, and for me, Mima's character in Perfect Blue is the pinnacle of that. An implicit story of the stress and strain placed on idols (and the entertainment industry at large) by those that string them up and sell the souls of these girls, Perfect Blue and Mima remain in a realm of their own in a lot of ways.

Nozomi - Sonny Boy

Well as they say, the proof is in the pudding, and the pudding in this case is Nozomi's name. Translating from Japanese it means "wish" or "desire" in English, and is the personification of Nozomi's role in Sonny Boy. As close to a catalyst as one can be, she spurs on the wishes of the characters around her, providing the foundation for our main character Nagara to grow and develop. In the end, the desires of each individual can be connected to Nozomi, even in her death. She's arguably more central to the plot of Sonny Boy than Nagara, so of course I see her as a deeply special character.

Kamikoshi Sorawo - Otherside Picnic

A somewhat different pick to help round out the list. Sorawo Kamikoshi, and Otherside Picnic at large, are certainly things that I don't think most people would fall in love with. But I did. The vitriol that her character expresses, the toxicity and self hatred and destruction. Her character is a very damaging and "bad" one, but that's what I love about it. There's no grand scheme behind Sorawo's personality, or any ideal that her character chases. She follows the whims and curiosities of her life as she willingly casts herself into the abyss of the Otherside alongside Toriko, and along the way, she learns to slowly grow and improve as a person while maintaining her core personality.

Osaki Nana - Nana

The duality of Nana as a character is just so well done to me. A character with two sides isn't anything special, but I think the way that Yazawa approaches her as a character, and introduces those cracks in her façade and the struggle that they represent is just really, really good. It has me really desperate for Yazawa to return from hiatus and continue on with Nana.

And that's the list. I know I've left off characters like Tohru or other massively popular (and well written) leads and characters from shojosei series, but a lot of what I desire out of a character can't quite be found in a lot of what ends up popular and translated (and what I tend to remember) I feel. If you take a look at the list, for example, you'll find that the majority of my favorites are from older series, as well as ones that feature more "tragic" or "twisted" characters. Personally, I find a flower most beautiful after you've understood how it's wilted and withered before it fights to bloom once more. Endless blooms that grant an eternal summer are undeniably beautiful, but that beauty tends to lack context and in turn can become simplicity. So that's my list, as imperfect and everchanging as it is. If I'm asked once more in a year, it will probably look startlingly different, but that's how these things will go with me.

[arokel]

10 questions for 10 writers

thank you so much for the tag @strangethings-everywhere ! secretly I've always wanted to do one of these

1. Is writing a hobby or a way of life?

Way of life for sure; I'm basically never not thinking about it. I start to feel awful and purposeless if I go too long without writing at least something.

2. A journal full of notes or a clean completed manuscript?

Clean completed manuscript, unfortunately. I wish I could be less persnickety about my first drafts but so far that hasn't happened. I do sometimes make extensive outlines though and those are always by hand, but they're usually pretty clean too :/ no scribbly scribbly for me

3. Who or what inspired your writing?

I've been writing since I was five years old and telling stories since I could talk, so I guess I'll say that when I was first reading chapter books I asked my parents why books always have a few blank pages at the end and they said it was so you had space to continue the story yourself if you wanted. They made it up on the spot and they don't remember saying it at all, but it's always stuck with me.

4. Which is worse: Someone you ‘idolize’ reading your first draft or listening to you sing?

Listening to me sing, 100%. I post my barely-edited first drafts on ao3 all the time lmao. But I also feel like with a first draft it's easy to say hey this is a first draft, if there's stuff you don't like I'm happy to hear criticism! Whereas with singing, that's just your voice. You can practice the song but at some point whether they like it or not just comes down to something about you that you can't change. (Although I am a hashtag classically trained singer so my feelings of needing to live up to that might not be universal.) (Don't ask me to sing opera for you because I don't actually like opera.)

5. Has writing from someone else’s POV changed your perspective?

I think most of the perspective changes that have come out of stories have been from reading for me? Like the first time I was really exposed to the idea of transness was a Harry Potter fic (suck on that, JKR) and that obviously really stuck with me. But I think the desire to write from queer povs really helped me come to terms with my own sexuality, maybe more than actually doing it. I guess writing narrative essays, which I do less frequently than straight up fiction, is usually a way for me to explore things I feel about myself and about the world.

6. Tumblr, AO3, LiveJournal, or FFN?

AO3 foreverrrrrrr. I was on ffn in my misspent youth and Very briefly on lj, but ao3 has been my home since 2014 and it would take a lot to get me to move.

7. AO3 word count? And are you satisfied with it?

646,046, and soon enough it'll jump another 100,000. Honestly not sure how I feel about that.

8. What movie/book gripped you irrevocably?

I will never not love Tamora Pierce's Tortall series. I know they're kind of dated and don't hold up in some places, but they've been in my bloodstream so long that they're basically a part of my understanding of the world. They shaped so much of my ideas on literature - how to create compelling characters and relationships, what makes a world believable, what fantasy even is - and honestly I think they're responsible for about 50% of my sense of humor and at least a quarter of my relationship to gender. They were my first fandom and in the end I'll always come back to them.

9. What’s the highest compliment you could ever be given, and have you been given it?

One of my plays deals with a very difficult emotional subject and is quite frankly pretty depressing the whole way through, and after the premiere a friend of mine came up to me and said "it was so so funny; I was laughing the entire time." That's what I always want my writing to do, not so much in fic but out in the world - I want to give people catharsis, and I hope they leave the reading or viewing experience feeling a little better than they did going in. And also I want people to laugh at my jokes.

10. What defines your writing style?

Can I say inconsistency? No but really it's definitely dialogue. I struggle with descriptive prose sometimes, but I never have to work at dialogue. I think it's my strongest area and people always tell me it's snappy (thank you Tamora Pierce). Other than that uhh... too many commas probably.

tagging @violasmirabiles @fregata-magnificens @kjxlll @borealopelta @uwu-dowoon @teaforarteza @icegreyrose @shadowquill17 @ris-d-deridex and using my 10th tag for anyone else who wants to participate!

[jmphysicsjournal]

hello dear human

i wanted to ask you about your experience studying physics at cambridge not being what you expected it to be, could you tell us a bit more why, was it maybe in terms of the type of subjects that uou dwelved into or maybe the balance between theoretical work and else ?

thank you a lot if you could respond, that means a lot, and have a good day !

Hi,

Thank you for your question. I did not study Physics at Cambridge but at a different uni in England! I hope my answer can still be helpful to you.

I believe every uni would structure their course a bit differently, hence offering varying learning experiences. 

My course was very well-structured and the content was up-to-date with the latest Physics research; lecturers provided us with well-written notes and every lecture was recorded for review at our convenience. We were told by the department to do at least 40 hours of work a week (adding up lectures, workshops, labs, and self-studies).

I expected myself to enjoy the course and to want to be in academia before I started uni. However, I soon came to the conclusion that academia is not for me, and I believe I would have made the same realisation regardless of which academic institution I was in. 

I guess that most people would share similar feelings of choosing to study a subject at a degree level for passion, then falling out of love with the subject once faced with the overwhelming amount of work and lab hours. It is the minority of people who still feel committed to researching at a PhD level and further after the reality check.

In sixth form, I loved reading about Physics in my free periods. What initially drew me to the subject were the popular science books by Michio Kaku and Carlo Rovelli, which offer interesting ways to look at the world around us, underpinned by mathematical equations. I always enjoyed the philosophical narrative Physics provides more than the maths behind it. 

At university, the focus shifted. I struggled to keep up with half of the content, and soon, my goal was simply to pass exams rather than understanding the content.

Ultimately, it all comes down to personal priorities and interests. I have several friends who are commencing PhDs in theoretical Physics this year, and they’ve sacrificed much of their social lives and hobbies for their studies. When asked what they’d do if they weren’t in Physics, they had no alternative answer. They just love Physics so much.

When I realised I did not want to do Physics anymore, I felt very lost, so I set out a plan to explore lots of different career options. I made roughly about 70 internship/job applications in total over the past 4 years, which occupied most of my free time. My uni life was not all and glamorous, but it was a necessary step for me to discover what path felt right.  Doing a Physics degree has also taught me a lot of transferable technical skills and improved my critical and logical thinking ability.

I hope you will have a fulfilling journey at your dream university! If you have any other uni/course-related questions, please feel free to ask.

[mrthology]

what's your opinion on blonde percy? i feel really torn about it bc i love black annabeth and totally respect rick riordan's decision to base the casting off of their vibe/personality, and walker really does embody percy so well. i support not subjecting the kids to hair dye especially if the series continues for like 10 years, but then... i guess i think of it as this chance to see it brought to life and it doesn't matter what they look like as long as they capture the characters well, BUT THEN.... i realize that it may mean that later on, percy will be more associated to having blonde hair and blue eyes than black hair and sea green eyes, it's already kind of happening where he's being portrayed like that in the fandom, and it just bothers me so much 😭 i don't know why i'm so stuck on this because even though the blonde hair, gray eyes look was as associated with annabeth, i think her being predominantly portrayed as black in the fandom will be amazing and fit her struggles and personality/growth well, but i can't stand the idea of black hair/sea green eyes percy being overtaken by a blonde hair, blue eyes version? especially given that that's jason's look. and it just... horribly clashes with the image of percy jackson in my head and how he's currently portrayed in the fandom as having that classic greek hero look and looking like a younger poseidon? i guess canon percy kind of also gives more leeway for poc!percy headcanons which i absolutely love, since people are just so quick to blame him and assume the worst which, imo, in the landscape the US is in, would not happen as much if he had the typical blonde hair blue eyes white boy look (then people would just find a way to constantly make excuses for him)

i know i'm overthinking it but i'm genuinely worried for canon percy's appearance to be a relic of the past that only us oldies will remember and in the future percy will only be known as blonde 😭

I honestly see the books and show as different entities, and know many others who do the same! They're in the same universe but separate things. Some people will enter the fandom through the show and only watch it, some will watch it and immediately read the books for more content, some will stick to the books only, mix it up, go headfirst into fanfiction, etc.

Fanfiction is transformative, and people will continue to create how they want, regardless of canonical depictions. Having an actor attached to Percy (and all the characters) will colour some people's vision of him. Still, even in visual-only media, people in fandoms will always take artistic licence to explore what they want, how they want it. It's one of my favourite things about fandom!

As for his portrayal in fandom, I've been in a few book fandoms that have had movie or show adaptations, and even in ones where the visual media adaptation is massively successful and influential to filmmaking as a whole, the book influence is still there! If I still read fics where Legolas has dark hair after how insanely influential the Jackson movies were, dark-haired Percy will endure.

Basically, I'm not worried. If people participate in the PJO fandom after being introduced through the show, they'll encounter dark-haired Percy fairly quickly. There's SO much fanfiction, fanart, and more for this fandom, going back to the mid-2000s. There may be more blond Percy depictions now, but that doesn't mean the book canon is gone or will disappear!

I also can't touch on the political landscape in the USA comfortably, as I'm not American. I'm as educated as possible, but I still can't speak from lived experience. I 100% see your point, and have seen more discussion on the subject, but aren't comfortable speaking on it myself

[petorahs]

☀️ its fascinating that you say P3 has shaped your worldview because... Well not to trauma dump here but back then when I discovered the game (it was back then when p4 was already out) i was... In a REALLY bad place and wondering about unaliving myself. I wont go into much detail but kids are trash man and teens are even worse. and then this game came around. With an aesthetic I really liked. i am not a native english speaker so it was hard for me at first but somehow this game just... /spoke to me/. A game about life and death and what it means to be alive and what it means to have a REASON to live, somehow... Convinced me to go a bit longer. I mean it when I say this: Persona 3 saved my life. And no other game can ever come close to such an experience. (Even tho from a quality standpoint P5 certainly is up there)

oh dude that is so valid thank you for sharing this. seriously though, im happy that youre here! and im sure many others are too! the ☀️ brightening lives and all that :]

yea i can see why p3 just clicked with so many people since it first came out. i was always curious on why it's so beloved by fans, when p5 and even p4 are literally right there with their overall better gameplay experiences. p5 literally got the franchise mainstream to insane heights lol. im... so glad i got into persona the way i did. of course, everyone's experiences w these games are different and special to them in their own way.

i got into persona 3 as an adult and as a result the lens in which i viewed the story's themes were heightened, in a way. as a teen i just know i would have reacted more volatilely i struggle to think about it LOL but both experiences would still be pretty intense. it's just that, as an adult there's more room to digest it when im not troubled by algebra hw. i was just more equipped for it (also i played omori two summers ago LMAOO). ofc i only turned 20 a few weeks ago LOL but i get why p3 means so much to people.

because it's like... 2000s nostalgia coupled with a game that figuratively holds your hand through the uncertainty of death yknow? p3 is a friend, basically. its entire thesis is based upon companionship (exactly what i highlight in an analysis i have drafted somewhere but HHH i dont want this to get too long lmao)

in the shaping my worldviews thing... its really more like it cemented my 'philosophies' :] like i said, equipped with the stuff i learned before, p3 having the message that it did just... hit super close to home! like yeah! that's what i've been saying dude!! kindness really is enough!!

"You don't have to save the world to find meaning in life... Sometimes all you need is something simple, like someone to take care of."

LIKE YEA GIRL THATS EXACTLY IT!! its so cool! i actually admire people who grew up with p3 because man if i heard this line ages ago... well, again, idk if i would be able to grasp it fully at the time... but still! this is so good, poetry in motion. and like u said its aesthetics are gorgeous and aim to capture the essence of its themes - and it did.

im a p5 baby like bro i love p5. soft spot for it. thats the closest persona game i "grew up" with and it came at such an opportune time for me, being a teen stuck between a rock and a hard place. typical. and p5 validated my teenage angst bs so much. its so refreshing to see a game's theme being rebellion. that was me i thought. those characters are going through something that similarly happened to me. teenage rebellion is such a fun thing to explore!

so p5 validated my struggles while p3 did something deeper than that, somehow. i think it just made me .. stronger? like it made me move on from struggles. "by remembering death you learn how to live" so... i guess p3 taught me how to live as crazy as that sounds. but you get me

persona 5 overall is great -- everyone agrees, like its objectively just a better game. but persona 3 ends up more beloved because of its subjective value as a piece of art. there's a lot of heart and soul to put into it.

it's more simple when compared to p5 at first glance, but simple doesn't mean less. which is why more people experiencing it will be nice to see

[blackidyll]

4, 8, 13, and 32 for the writing meme pls! :DD

this is from the weird questions for writers list!

4. What’s a word that makes you go absolutely feral? i like words that are kind of oddly spelled - hymn, myriad, idyll (hence my username). For a verb, coalesce.

but as for feral in a negative way? it's souvenir. i can never for my life spell it correctly, i always put in extra vowels. Spell check has to save me (as it just did!).

8. If you had to write an entire story without either action or dialogue, which would you choose and how would it go? oooooo story without dialogue is probably easier because i already write so. much. exposition as it is. it'll be interesting to go without putting in any dialogue, but there are ways for characters to communicate or express themselves without active dialogue, so i can probably figure it out.

i write dialogue-only snippets when i'm outlining fics and I always get the urge to fill in the blanks with descriptions of actions and so on. a dialogue-only fic for me will not want to stay dialogue-only upon edits haha.

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy? haha! explicit sexual content! i can read it and plot it just fine, but when it comes to writing the minutiae of it i will combust. It's just easier for me to cut off/fade to black and leave the fic at a mature rating.

not necessarily easy, but i guess pining/longing/nostalgia? i've moved countries a lot when i was younger and it always feels like i'm missing someone or longing for something, and so when I write that kind of content it's easy for me to access my own feelings and channel that into my characters. It's a sort of bittersweetness where the sweetness is your feelings for the person/place/time but bitter because you're apart from whatever it is you're missing, and I like exploring that dichotomy.

32. What is a line from a poem/novel/fanfic etc that you return to from time and time again? How did you find it? What does it mean to you? @derpinathebrave asked the same question so i'll tackle a poem/novel example here and a fanfic one for them!

the last two lines of Clementine von Radics' poem, "Mouthful of Forevers" really stuck with me. I encountered this poem through a Sam/Lucifer SPN fic, How To Fall; the author included poems/excerpts from songs/prose at the beginning of every chapter. The fic has such a visceral depiction of Lucifer's motivations and this poem was just incredibly apt for that point of the fic, as well as being a beautiful work in its own right. Here is the last stanza of the poem:

I know sometimes It's still hard to let me see you In all your cracked perfection, But please know: Whether it's the days you burn More brilliant than the sun Or the nights you collapse into my lap Your body broken into a thousand questions. You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I will love you when you are a still day. I will love you when you are a hurricane.

A line from a novel - definitely this one from Robin Hobb's Realm of the Elderlings series: the Fool's "And I set no limits on that love." It's a recurring line in the series (iirc) as the Fool tries to explain his love to Fitz, and Fitz constantly struggles with understanding/coming to terms with it. I think us fans tend to have mixed feelings about how the Fool and Fitz's relationship is depicted in the series, but that passage where Fitz skill-links with the Fool and experiences the Fool's love for him is just so profound. The Fool's love defies boundaries - it is not romantic or sexual or even platonic, it just is. He loves Fitz, and his love is limitless. I remember reading this book in high school and finding out a friend read it too, and the first thing we both said to each other? "I set no limits on that love." Even though there were (at the time) nine whole books in the series, out of thousands of other lines this one resonated with us the most.

That entire passage is just incredible so I'm gonna stick it under this read more.

"Would you have more than this?" The Fool's voice was less than a whisper. I discerned a challenge in his words, but could not understand it.

"Yes, please. Try," I bade him.

Beside me at the table, I was aware of the Fool making some small movement but my vision was unfocused on the room and I had no warning of his intentions until his hand settled on my wrist. His fingertips unerringly found their own faded gray fingerprints, left on my flesh so many years ago. His touch was gentle, but the sensation was an arrow in my heart. I physically spasmed, a speared fish, and then froze. The Fool ran through my veins, hot as liquor, cold as ice. For a flashing instant, we shared physical awareness. The intensity of it went beyond any joining I'd ever experienced. It was more intimate than a kiss and deeper than a knife thrust, beyond a Skill-link and beyond sexual coupling, even beyond my Wit-bond with Nighteyes. It was not a sharing, it was a becoming. Neither pain nor pleasure could encompass it. Worse, I felt myself turning and opening to it, as if it were my lover's mouth upon mine, yet I did not know if I would devour or be devoured. In another heartbeat, we would be one another, know one another more perfectly than two separate beings ever should.

[…]

Just as I opened my eyes, the Fool's thought uncurled in my mind like a leaf opening to sunlight.

And I set no limits on that love.

[cherrybombfangirlwrites]

15 tags 15 mutuals! 💜💜💜

Tagged by: @bloodlessheirbyjacques and @pinespittinink thank you!

Tagging: @jezifster @mjjune @italiangothicwriteblr @rose-bookblood @memento-morri-writes and anyone else who wants in!

Answer these questions either with yourself or an OC. Imma do myself and Princess Sapphire because i want to.

Me~

Are you named after anyone? No joke, my mom named me after her favorite book character. She named one of my sisters after another favorite book character of hers too.

When was the last time you cried? I watched Dead Poets Society for the first time recently and HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHY DID NO ONE WARN ME I BAWLED MY EYES OUT and THAT ENDING NOBODY TOUCH MEEEE IT WAS WAS SO SAD

Do you have kids? Nope, and I don't plan to. Imma live my best life as the cool witchy and single wine aunt

Do you use sarcasm? What? No.... I would never..... :)

What's the first thing you notice about people? How they stand and how they speak. I can tell a lot of things about them just based on that, including whether or not they're a fellow neurodivergent

What's your eye color? Blue <3

Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings, I CANNOT do horror it scares the shit out of me. (spooky is cool, but actual horror and jumpscares is too far)

Any special talents? Does my obsession with history count? I do paint but it's more of a hobby and I'm not trying to get good at it

Where were you born? In the cult ridden hell that is Utah :P

What are your hobbies? Writing, obviously. But I also read, paint, and watch movies.

Have you any pets? Two dogs! I have a little maltese mutt who's six years old and a crumuginy old man, and a three year old goldendoole puppy who is the biggest turdler (toddlerxturd) there ever was. We also have a rabbit in our backyard but he belongs to my sister and she's the one who takes care of him.

What sports do you play/have played? HAHAHAHA No. Sports and I have never gotten along. Let's just say that the scenes of Mia in PE class in the movie Princess Diaries sums up my experience with sports perfectly.

How tall are you? 5'4''... Being short runs in my family, you should see my grandma, she's been a whole head shorter than me for a long time

Favorite subject in school? ENGLIGH AND ART BABY! But history also has a special place in my heart

Dream job? Full-time author and part-time party princess

Princess Sapphire~

Are you named after anyone? Nope, I'm the first in my line with my name!

When was the last time you cried? ... When I was like six I think? Father wouldn't let me ride the horses cause they were "too dangerous", but now I ride one all the time and ITS HARDDD.

Do you have kids? No... *looks at Raven* but maybe one day... if I met the right person...

Do you use sarcasm? Who me? Neverrrr ;)

What's the first thing you notice about people? The way they talk. It says a lot about how they act and who they are inside.

What's your eye color? Sapphire blue, in case you haven't guessed, that's where I get my name from.

Scary movies stories or happy endings? Happy endings are boring, gimme the good stuff, I'll take scary stories!

Any special talents? I can run really fast

Where were you born? In castle of Greyvenhill <3

What are your hobbies? Adventuring! anything that involves going outside and exploring.

Have you any pets? No but I would love to have one. Does Raven's horse Dante count?

What sports do you play/have played? Running and Dancing

How tall are you? 5'5''... I'm not that short!

Favorite subject in school?

Dream job? A pirate or cartographer <333

[plusvanity]

1,2,14 and 50? for the existential/late night train questions

1. What do you crave in a psychological sense? Intimacy, passion, purpose, belonging, social interaction, etc.?

I love casual intimacy, the small ‘apparently’ insignificant gestures that hold so much meaning if a special person does it to you.

Passion definitely. I love seeing and experimenting things that result from passion. Art and music especially but in the large sense, it can be anything man-made that has a story, a concept and an idea that just manifests into something.

I crave exclusivity. I’m not a ‘people person’ as I can’t stand people around me most of the time. If I have one single person who I can interact with (online/ in real life) I consider them my friend and I don’t need more social interaction lol.

2. What kind of emotions do the stars evoke for you, if any? The ocean, the sky, the moon?

None of these themes evoke much as I don’t get to be that ‘abstract’ in daydreaming but I love the ocean in paintings and photography, especially the gray, gloomy, stormy and abyssal visuals of the ocean. It could be a ‘cosmic horror’ kind of thingy?? maybe, but it makes me feel abandoned and lost, which in my brain loves for edgy reasons, haha.

14. What are you worried about right now, if anything?

My worries right now are the worries I have all the time. Intrusive thoughts and s*****e ideations. I don’t really have the ‘day by day’ worries as the things around me are good, it’s me that isn’t.

50. What qualities do you find charming? 

Intelligence. Lol, this is so fucking pompous but it’s true. I’m a very ‘going down the rabbit hole’ kind of person about various subjects and matters. That’s why I love debating and exploring from different perspectives and points of view lots of shits. The thing is that you need someone who’s got the package of information and analytical brains to have a conversation back and forth instead of you presenting stuff as in a TED TALK show.

I also like when someone doesn’t throw a freakin’ tantrum for not sharing the same beliefs and point of view. I had met too many people so child-like but in the worst possible ways. So, a bit of objectivity and the ability not to just jump into abrupt conclusions?? maybe

Humor, definitely. I’m not funny, at least I don’t consider myself funny soo… yeah, feel free to make me crack with a stupid joke or remark, I fancy that in a person.

…And some common interests, ofc, who doesn’t like to happily waffle for hours about your manic hyper-fixations?? Flicks, series, anime, music, artists, philosophy, psychology, rock history/culture, drugs, fashion history, art, fuckin’ guitar (I’d bore anyone out of their minds if they give me free go to ramble about guitars. man)

Yeah, I fancy that, that's charming I guess.

Sorry for my bad English btw.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hey, I really like your blog, thank you so much for your hard work!! I need help with my type, I want your opinion. I want to know my type so I can learn more about myself and really understand me in a deeper way. I suspect I’m ENFJ or INFJ or ENFP or INTJ. I know for sure I’m N.

I apologize in advance for the length of this message. I hope you don’t repeat yourself in your responses. I tried to search for this in your blog but I never really understood the functions very well, I guess it’s my fault because all of this is hard sometimes, trying to type myself I mean.

Important data: I suffered from depression and severe verbal bullying for years, and consequential self-loathing, I had therapy and still have but I’m way better now. I can say I’m healed so my functions developed in some way or another and this might be a clue to finding them in specific. My parents are very Se-Ti (I think, I’m 97% sure of it) and I’m an only child who was very influenced by them in the past.

I will explore each function below.

ENFP:

Ne – I constantly make up stories inside my head, I like writing novels (although I don’t write as much as I imagine it), I like learning new subjects that are outside of my reality, example: history, psychology, philosophy, learning Chinese language and Chinese history when I’m European, I also explore world religions even if I don’t adhere to it, I like learning just for the sake of learning. I want to explore the world, going everywhere and I am curious about how to change the world for the better, I prefer thinking about world-size issues like politics than every-day struggles like taxes. – this is constantly throughout my whole life.

Fi – I presume this function is about honoring our emotions and feelings. I am much better now that I learned that I need to put myself first before everyone else so I can really help them and also to make sure they don’t abuse my generosity. – I learned this lesson after a very bad experience (a year ago) when people disrespected me because I also didn’t respect myself because of bullying but I finally learned that I need to do want I like beforehand.

Te – I want authority to like me and to realize I’m special, that I’m responsible and that I follow the rules (even though I don't always like rule), basically I want to be the good student. At school I wanted the teacher to like me and to say I was his/her better student even thought I wasn’t A+ but B- but this only happened at the teacher no one liked (if they were good teachers).

I also like when older people give me reason, example my parents, teachers, boss, older people in general – I want to be seen as organized and polished and responsible. I also like to make my opinions after gathering data because I want arguments to back-up my argument, I don’t feel comfortable just having an opinion or a decision without someone giving me reason. I want to be a leader (even though the consequences of it can scare me), I do want to me remembered forever for doing something no one else has done for the benefit of humanity.

I also get very angry when I give my friend the solution to her problem and she still keeps talking about it when I already gave her my advice, it’s very annoying, it's like these people prefer just having problems and complain rather than solve it as much as you can and move on. But this is just with some friends. I also have another friend which annoys me a lot because she doesn’t obey me (my advices for her own good) – it can also make me feel as if my opinion is irrelevant but this is way less common nowadays (because I don’t speak to her everyday), she’s very stubborn and that annoys me so much.

I hate when people tell me what to do but I love telling people want to do lol. – this is constantly throughout my whole life. HOWEVER wanting to me tuff all the time is tiring, I used to not want to cry and to feel things (society told me I should always "suck it up" and not feeling anything sad and we all know that's not healthy). I know now I need to cry if the body wants it, if I feel sad but I always cry in private. I try to never put myself in public vulnerable positions.

Si – this is not inf in my opinion because I am responsible, I take valuable lessons from my past and I don’t like taking as much risks as Ne-doms use to (this is constantly throughout my whole life). I do like doing new things, I have that hunger more now that I’m more independent now (I have a job and a car) so I can go anywhere I do the things I want to do but I don’t think everything that has over years of experience should be put to death. I do like some old approaches once in a while and I do value security. // however, when I was in depression I just got scared about the world and the people around me, I didn’t leave my house and I thought that no matter what happened I never had hope for getting something good out of anything. I was very victim-mentality at the time even though I wasn’t complaining out loud, it was more from me to me.

INFJ:

Ni – same as Ne – I like planning (sometimes), I want to do something with my life that people will remember me decades after I’m gone and I do want to make the world a better place.

Fe – I tend to put people above me (but not always). When they talk about something that I don’t find amusing, I don’t tell them in their face, I keep smiling because I hate conflict and criticizing someone’s tastes is not correct. I just criticize when they do something wrong (Te/Ti) but because I want to help them, but I only get verbally angry with close people. With people I don’t know very well, I tend to smile and agreeing because I prefer this way. Many things in my life is made for the benefit of others I guess: I want to be seen as pretty, competent, intelligent, skinny, sexy.

I do love making friends and having a good time, just telling whatever comes to my mind when I’m in the flow of fun in a great conversation rather than thinking how saying X or Y will make them betray me. I just like having friends and talking about everything I like with them. My friends have different tastes of mine, I say I don’t like because of X but I’m not sincere, if I was I would say “why do you like that? Why do think like that? That’s dumb!” I don’t do that because it’s not okay.

I also don’t wanna be special (unless I’m better than everyone else) but stuff like “I suffered bullying so I’m more important than you” is never my thing, I just want to be like everyone else in that regard but I do like being better than others, more extroverted, more intelligent, more pretty – it doesn’t always happen but I’m describing my thought pattern. I also know it’s not fair to think like this but I don’t take advantage of it.

Ti – same argument as Te. + I have become more independent lately and I want that. I hate being contrived by anything (telling my parents where I’m going when I’m going out, submitting myself to do things I don’t want to because of society’s pressure’s - example “you have to get married and have kids everyone else is doing” I hate it, the “everyone else is doing so you must too” I hate so much and it’s stupid because I’m not everyone else, I’m a person. I prefer when people follow me and not the other way around, not that I’ve influenced people, I wish I could, I wish I could also manipulate them so they can follow my advice for their own sake for once. (I do know that being manipulative is not a good thing to do).

Se – when I’m bored and nothing much is happening that is new, I tend to “extrapolate” and “do something crazy” which involves buying books or clothes or going to the mall and drink some coffee. I also eat candy a lot more lately because it’s so delicious and I got a severe healthy diet for a year and after Christmas I just got into candy a lot. I guess it’s the most rebel thing I do, lol.

ENFJ:

Fe – same argument as Fe in INFJ

Ni – same argument as Ni in INFJ

Se – same argument as Se in INFJ

Ti – I used to really put myself down to other people. The worst experience I had in my life as when everyone were putting me down, making me feel like shit because of mistakes I’ve made, calling me arrogant and selfish, I got so hurt because I really hate disappointing people and after bullying I still have that scar a little bit, every time I did something and I couldn’t help someone, I was afraid I was hurting the person or disappointing them. // I also thought for years I didn’t reserve to be loved because “everyone hated me at school, so they must be right because they all agree with each other” I thought. I know now that there’s nothing wrong with me and that I deserve to be loved for who I am.

INTJ

Ni – same argument as Ni in INFJ

Te – same argument as Te in INFP

Fi - same argument as Fi in INFP

Se – same argument as Se in INFJ

Function stack information:

I do get loop sometimes, I suspect the 3rd is a T function because I valued competence instead of my desires and it gave me a fake optimism/defense mechanism about myself. I did got so much better after honoring what I want. So I suspect the F is 2nd because the 1st must be N. the order would be N F T S which leaves ENFP and INFJ. What do you think? Did any of this made sense to you?

Also important:

1) I imagine I have a boyfriend for years now but in the past I always thought that it was never going to become reality because I hated myself cuz of bullying (I thought I was stupid and ugly) but now my imaginary boyfriend comforts me when I feel sad and I know he's going to come to me and I know I deserve to be loved by him and that he loves me unconditionally for who I am.

My boyfriend is very sweet and kind to me because of the result that I didn't feel enough love in my childhood - my parents are very action oriented which is fine but I need those words of affirmation and physical touch literally like a baby, I feel so safe in his arms like I am his baby and he pampers me and takes care of me and always says sweet things example "I love you so much my love I'm so proud of you, you are my baby sweet love and I love you so much."

I presume this is Ne or just a defense mechanism because I want a boyfriend now but I don't have it (for now). I do feel an urge to be intimate with him because I feel like life without love is boring, I think a lot about love and how love makes me feel loved and safe.

I avoid watching sensitive scenes in movies like violence and hate because I tend to think about it, I absorb it and I know that's not gonna be good for me, because I get pessimistic and afraid that's going to happen in the future so I'm just going to try to be positive and thinking (or convincing me) that I'm safe by God and everything will be good and happy in my life.

I want my boyfriend to be a specific way (ethnicity) and have a specific personality (affectionate, kind, supportive) because I have my type, everyone has a type - maybe this is Ni?

I used to be obsessed with being in a relationship (even though I still never had one) and I used to had shame for being single since birth but after putting myself first and honoring my beliefs and who I am (and also knowing that it’s just life’s circumstances) I do not care anymore honestly. I also only go to this imaginary boyfriend when I’m sad and I need emotional comfort or when I miss thinking about him because he's such a breath of fresh air to me, no show me results, no suck it up, just a healthy comfort zone where I can be a little baby (not literally) and be loved by him.

2) I do get afraid about death, i think about that a lot, what if there's nothing after death? What if there's no heaven? I tried Buddhism for a year because I wanted to feel part of something bigger than myself and Buddhism really did help me a lot, meditation and mindfulness made me stop thinking about the ruminating thought and made me relax and enjoy the present moment. However Buddhism is very identity-erasure to me (the part of the Non-Self) and doesn't believe in a creator God, which I deeply do inside of my heart. I do understand we can't put our identity in our beauty or money or body because that's not permanent forever but I don't see a problem in loving our personality and body and being proud of becoming who we want to be - high Fi?

3) For the function stack, I do understand if I'm ENFP except I think I'm too risk-averse for being inf Si. I do get the hunger for new things, doing new things and meeting new people, but I also like to recover in private and I do identify more with the introvert descriptions than the extrovert ones but this can be misleading because of my past bullying. I have been a lot better in the past months and I do prefer to recover in private although I am very curious about going out with friends but it's not a big hunger. I have a bigger hunger for buying things I like. Introvert means INFJ or INFP and I think I'm none because

1) inf Se is strange (I do get the urge to do something new when I'm bored usually is eating too much candy or buying books but the whole Beth Harmon-let's-get-crazy never happened to me, never got drunk or lost my responsibilities. The craziest thing I've done was going to bed at 4am after planning novels inside my head and listening to music lol)

2) Inf Te is probably not it because I never put myself above anyone else in a unhealthy way (like unhealthy Fi would), and after my point in Te in ENFP I do think I'm not inf Te because I do value how I'm praised by others in terms of competence).

As you can see I'm very confused. I apologize again the length of this. Thank you so much for your time. Keep up the good work.

I wanted to say something more that I forgot. I'm 25. My parents are pretty sure Te and Si doms (I put it the other way around, my mistake sorry) and they were unhealthy types at the time of my upbringing I'm sure of it: very easily angry and not toughy-feely, they were when I was a baby I presume but after that it was gone. I felt a huge necessity for expressing love in this manner, hence the whole imaginary sweet boyfriend thing I guess.

I hope it's okay to send a 2nd message, I apologize for the inconvenience. There's more text mistakes but I presume it's understandable my point of view. Also I'm not a native-english speaker, so I apologize any English problem. Thank you so much, have a nice day.

-----------------------

For INTJ, you said "the same as INFP" but that was not one of the types you were comparing, so I'm forced to assume you meant ENFP. Your analysis of ENFJ and INTJ functions shouldn't be the same as the other types. Functions operate very differently in different positions of the stack, therefore, e.g., auxiliary Fe cannot stand in for dominant Fe, and lower Te cannot stand in for higher Te.

If you are ENFP, your negative experiences with depression and bullying have presented serious obstacles to your function development. I don't think you are fully aware of how deeply tertiary loop and inferior grip have infiltrated your mind, attitude, and worldview. Long term problems with loop and grip during childhood and adolescence will impede healthy growth and expression of the dominant function. This may be enough to explain why you are not as confident, adventurous, and impactful as healthier Ne doms.

The instructions for submitting a type assessment require you to respond to every point in the Function Theory Guide. You didn't do this, so your function descriptions aren't detailed enough. If you don't provide exactly the information I asked for, I can't do a thorough type analysis. All I can say is: INTJ is highly unlikely because none of the functions fit. INFJ is doubtful because you don't seem to have any deep grasp of dominant Ni. ENFJ is possible, but I can't do the analysis since you didn't provide the information. ENFP is a better fit than INFJ. Although ENFP is a decent fit, I am unable to draw a firm conclusion because there isn't enough information for me to definitively rule out every other possibility.

[dissociatedwanderluster]

Crushes are Aptly Named

Every time I develop a crush on someone, it rapidly turns into a social experiment conducted by me, with me as the subject. I never cease to be amazed at how the veil of nonchalantness gets ripped from my head and trampled under my own feet.

My last post talked about dichotomies, and I must say, the dating arena is one where I haven't quite figured out how to face the dichotomy within myself. There is one side of me that epitomizes independence and the essence of free spirit, content (and highly motivated) to enjoy connections without contextual limitations or commitment. This is the side of me, for instance, that wants to stay at hostels in foreign countries and lose (or find) myself in people and languages I don't fully understand, in order to understand something else entirely. There is another side of me that desires something deeper, erring on the side of partnership, which is a lot to admit coming from someone who vehemently opposes social constructs. But how can someone who loves the humanities not be a romantic at heart? Both versions of my being usually crave the same thing at a base level: intimacy. And I've often found intimacy to be attached to some sort of meaning. That's where the dichotomy starts to fall apart, because meaning can be derived from any type, length, or depth of connection. I could (and will) write a post just about that. But meaning does not necessarily spark intimacy in it of itself, and my life experiences have led me to believe that intimacy is harder to come by. Maybe that's why having a taste of it makes it more challenging to be casual about.

My current crush lives half-way across the country from me in a state I don't like but in a city I think I would, given the opportunity to visit. He has dark hair and even darker eyes. Nice smile, handsome face. Funny, in the way that intellectual nerds usually are (I use that word dotingly in this scenario). A Tumblr blogger, a piano player, a dancer. A few well curated passions, a demonstrated interest in people besides himself. I won't go into specifics, there's a lot more I could say, but he kind of reminds me of myself. And, after a night getting to know him under stage lights and sheets—face to face, torso to torso, fingertips tracing patterns on skin and lips laying an imprint—I've found my mind recreating his image and his touch every chance I get. Instead of hooking up, we (or, I?) experienced a different kind of intimacy; I would argue it was a more meaningful subtype. But, not unlike other instances in my life, I find myself in a position after the fact where I continue to learn more about another person without the reciprocation of curiosity. Sometimes it makes me feel lonelier when someone is willing to give so much of themselves away without asking anything in return. I want people to know that I see them, but I want to feel seen just as clearly. Fortunately, or rather unfortunately, I'm old enough to know that trying to derive one's intentions from their communication patterns often proves futile. I guess I just wish we lived in a world where things could be said or asked, nay, shouted from the rooftops without fear of some unstated commitment to a set meaning, intention, or outcome. I get why having a crush is so crushing; it's like dancing around someone without knowing the steps to the dance itself, and hoping that person will step in and save you from looking stupid.

All of this leads me back to the dichotomy mentioned above. How can my heart and mind be so easily pulled toward someone when I spend so much time with different goals in mind? Or, as a better way of saying it that is specific to this scenario, why is it so easy to let myself be affected by feelings when I am unsure what is being felt in return? To say the least, it's not very girl boss of me. I suppose intimacy is the key factor here and something I'll have to explore more as an independent variable. Once my cool exterior is cracked, it's occasionally hard to scoop the emotional run-off back inside. I don't like eggs that much, nor do I want to compare myself to one, but it seems like the closest analogy.

For what it's worth, in case the crush in question ends up reading this at some point, I do really like him. I guess I'm a bit of a sucker for smart men who can make me laugh and form a coherent sentence about their feelings, without taking themselves too seriously. I'm also a sucker for a few other things, if he feels so inclined to ask me what those are. To be honest, I'd trade a lot to have a morning like that with him again. Or maybe I'm just hyping it all up in my mind and ascribing meaning where it's not due. But if I'm being transparent, I sometimes enjoy being a hopeless romantic; that might be another variable to explore.

[cryptidsurveys]

Wednesday, July 31st, 2024.

Do you ever wonder how Atheist people raise their kids? Not really…? I wasn't raised by atheists, but religion didn't play a huge role in my upbringing. We went to church occasionally and I did attend a Catholic elementary school (mainly because it offered all-day kindergarten and my parents preferred that; I transferred to a public school after 3rd grade because tuition became too expensive), but that's basically the extent of it. I don't ever feel like I was forced to believe in any particular thing. I guess I just assumed that - minus my church and school experiences - most atheist approaches to raising children would be relatively similar. Now, if we're talking strictly atheist the way some people are strictly religious, then I might wonder… Like, could it have the opposite effect of driving someone toward religion/spirituality rather than away from it?

If you’re atheist, would you raise you kids believing in God or not? I'm not atheist and I don't plan on ever having children, but hypothetically speaking, I would allow them to explore the possibilities and come to their own conclusions.

How long does it usually take you to finish answering a survey? Sometimes it takes me an embarrassingly (almost ridiculously) long time. I have to sit and ponder. Then I have to figure out how I want to word things. Then I have to hate what I said and go back and reword it. Then I have to post it…reread it…and go back and correct all of my inevitable typos. :')

Do you spell it gray or grey? Gray.

If you make surveys, how do you decide about its title? It's been a long time since I last made a survey. I think I used to use song lyrics or try to sound deep or poetic. Then I got lazy and just started calling them some variation of "random survey."

When are you going back to school? I don't know if I will ever go back to school; but if I did, then I would probably study to become a vet tech.

If you don’t go to school anymore, what do you do? I volunteer at an animal shelter (basically full time now).

Do you care about other people’s status messages? I guess it depends on how much I care about the person and how much I relate to what they're saying. If it's someone I don't know very well talking about something I know equally little about, then probably not. I'm happy they're happy, but I don't really care.

Do you like reading self-help books? Very occasionally…? I tend to engage well with self-help books (or videos) that have a Buddhist approach. For whatever reason, that just works well with my brain's wiring.

What is your opinion on sex change? I don't really have one beyond if it's what you want to do, then go for it. It's your life, your body, and your choice.

Do you think that this will take away the essence of gay pride? No? I'm trans, but I can't see how my experience with gender identity and navigating my own romantic relationships takes anything away from…well, anyone, tbh. I mean, at the end of the day, isn't it less about this mysterious "essence" of gay pride and more about finding someone you can love…? I realize this is a controversial subject, but I don't look at my personal relationships as some sort of expression of activism. It's just me trying to live my life.

What do you do when you tell a really bad joke? With my dad, it's fine. Everything between us is a bad joke. In other social situations...probably wish I was dead.

If you’re still a virgin, how important is your virginity to you? I'm not a virgin.

If you have lost it already, do you regret it? No.

Do you believe in marriage? Why or why not? Yeah. There are pros/cons, but if I found the right person, then it is something that I would like to do.

Do you like having a huge group of friends or would you rather have few close friends? I think a few close friends and a large circle of acquaintances would make me happiest.

Do you have any goals for this summer? If so, what are they? Continue to increase my time at the animal shelter. Get out to the Mountain Park more often. Keep working on my art. Develop a stronger work/life balance, especially now that I'm going to be spending so much time there.

Or do you plan on getting a summer job? Or do you already have one? See above.

If so, where do you work and what do you do? I gave a rundown of my daily work routine in a recent survey.

Do you watch the TV show Skins? If so, who’s your favorite character? No.

And which generation do you prefer? Or do you equally love both? N/a.

Do you know someone who still typpe thiszz wayy? I don't.

Would you take a break after graduating from high school (like, postpone going to college for a year or so)? I didn't take a break. If I could go back and do it all over again, though, then I probably would. College was a hot mess.

Do you feel tired after stretching? No.

Can you get a strike at bowling? I have before.

Do you use Facebook? If so, what is your favorite application there? I don't.

It seems like everyone’s addicted to Twitter these days - are you? I was addicted to Twitter around 2020-2021. I was heavily invested in the political scene. However, at some point, something inside me just snapped. I realized I was wasting my time with ineffective anger rather than figuring out my own damn life (which was in a pretty sorry state, I must say). I still stayed somewhat addicted to other forms of political media (mainly on YT), but eventually it got to where I felt like I was in some sort of Plato's Cave situation, and I knew I needed to go out into the world and form my own opinions rather than have them screamed at me from a screen. "See with eyes unclouded by hate," if you will. ;D The world isn't necessarily any less fvcked up than the internet said it was, but at least I don't have a sense of DOOM blaring in my head all the time. I can compartmentalize my own life away from everything else and have a good, albeit somewhat ignorant and detached existence. Like, I've been checked out of politics for about a year now and my bubble has more or less become the animal shelter, home, and various errands/outings. Perhaps this is selfish, but man…life is so fleeting. I don't want to fix the world; I'll just endure it, die, and it'll all be over. I trust those who are interested to either fix it or fvck it up without me. It's whatever.