#i just love absurdism

[baronaliswritingcorner]

Fódlan Flufflets #25: Popular (Felix/Bernadetta)

A parting gift before my two-week retreat -- the return of Fódlan Flufflets!

In honor of the #ChooseYourLegends results, have some #Felibern -- my very first, in fact! Please enjoy this latest slice of my patented Fódlan anachronism. ---

Felix had endured countless humiliations in the maelstrom of agony that was his life. Losing spars to classmates and veteran knights alike. Falling for Glenn’s mischievous pranks, guised as “coming of age” rituals. Enduring the second-hand embarrassment that was Sylvain’s skirt-chasing.

All soul-crushing in their own ways, but experience ingrained a budding humility that’d bloomed into his adulthood years, and he’d learned to brush off such embarrassments like the pitiful swings of a fresh Fraldarius troop.

This, however, was the final straw. Not even a day into their vacation at Derdriu, and they were greeted with the culture shock that was the city periodical’s headline:  

““SHIPPING WARS” RUN RAMPANT -- “FELIBERN” OUTPACES THE LIKES OF “DIMILETH”, “SYLVGRID”, “FERDITHEA” and “LEORENZ” IN NEW POLL DECIDING FÓDLAN’S CUTEST COUPLE!”

And that was how, after being chased by hordes of screeching fangirls, Felix and his wife found themselves holed up in Derdriu’s fanciest inn. The screams of adoring fans and invasive paparazzi buzzed incessantly outside their window like a sea of hungry gnats, swarming the Aquatic Capital and descending upon their refuge -- their cheers and demands invasive as they were utterly confounding.

“FE-LI-BERN! FE-LI-BERN!! FEEL THE BERN!!!”

“WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE! COME OUT AND SMOOCH FOR US!”

“CAN YOU COMMENT ON THE RUMORS SURROUNDING LADY BERNADETTA’S PREGNANCY?”

Cornered, exhausted, and utterly defeated, Felix’s face rested firmly in his palms – not merely because of the egregious invasion of privacy, or the impossible likelihood of escape, but because of one unfathomable variable he’d never have predicted.

“Ehehehehe,” giggled his wife. “Oh my gosh, Felix! Look! They drew us as little kitties! And we’re snuggling!”

No, it was because after all the screaming and hiding ceased once all the facts were laid bare, Felix came to the horrifying realization that Bernadetta actually liked it.

“Bernie’s never won at anything,” marveled Bernie, “but Cutest Couple in Fódlan? Hehe! It’s funny because it’s true! Bernie prevails!”

“Please stop,” moaned Felix.

“But look at all the competition!” said Bernadetta as she thumped her chest. “We beat out Ashette, Mercedue, Cysithea, and, and-”

“Yes, I read the article.”

“Ehehehe, do you know what this means? We have fans!” said Bernadetta with a squeal. She unlocked the window and waved outside. “Yes, hello! Bernie sees you!”

Wincing at the deafening roar, Felix yanked her back inside and slammed the window shut. “Don’t encourage them. And since when were you such a social butterfly?”

“Oh, don’t be such a spoilsport, Felix!” said Bernadetta with a pout – shaking her arms in that familiar display of protest. “C’mon, didn’t you see the artwork? They’ve got some serious talent!”

Shoving the paper into his face, Felix was met once more with the paper’s meticulously detailed header image: the two Fraldariuses, engaged in a wistful liplock amidst glowing fireflies in a moonlit forest; a menagerie of doe-eyed woodland critters surrounding their tryst with palpable adoration.

Felix composed himself with a deep sigh. “Last I checked,” he said with an elaborate exhale, “our marriage wasn’t out for display. I don’t know how this whole nonsense started, but once we get back, I’ll appeal directly to Dimitri for an immediate ban on this so-called ‘shipping’.”

“Oh, come on – it’s all in good fun! Here, check these out,” said Bernadetta as she flashed a collection of paper-thin tomes, their covers decorated with amorous embraces and lovelorn looks courtesy of Fódlan’s top couple.

Felix nearly hurled. “What are--wait, where’d you even get those-”

“Oh, some fans shoved them into my hands while you were swinging your sword at those journalists – I think they’re called ‘zines’? Let’s see: there’s “Arrows and Swords” – it’s full of little stories about us! – and this one’s called “Violet Dreams and Azure Courage” – chock-full of pictures; see, I’m a mermaid! -- and this is…um, I’m not sure what the “18+” stands for, but it’s called “Steamy Fraldarius Nights” and--oh my-”

Ripping that last one out of his wife’s hands, Felix threw the offending zine to the floor and smote it with a Thunder spell. “Look, we came here for a retreat,” said Felix, incredulous at reminding Bernadetta – Bernadetta! -- of the values of privacy. “How do you expect us to relax if we’re constantly entertaining the delusions of these obsessed goons?”

Bernadetta pouted as she crossed her arms. “Well, you can say what you like, but they’re not leaving!”

“Then I’ll make them,” said Felix as he marched to the window and swung it wide open. “People of Deirdru, may you promise to leave us alone once I give you what your pathetic hearts desire!”

“WE HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR, LORD FRALDARIUS!”

“Felix?” said Bernadetta as her husband pulled her to the window, “what are you-”

Immediately swinging Bernadetta to his front, Felix elaborately dipped his wife out the window and gave the entirety of Derdriu front-row seats to a passionate kiss.

The city shook with a rumbling roar – the raw power of nerd fandom rippling the very air itself, enduring even as they pulled apart.

Bernadetta flushed crimson, reduced to lovestruck babble. “N-no fair.”

Felix grinned roguishly. “Just promise me you won’t wound Lorenz’s pride by rubbing our victory in his face, and I won’t embarrass you further.”

------

AO3 Link

[lotus-pear]

charm stat at debonair ‼️‼️

[egophiliac]

we were fucking ROBBED

[evelynpr]

Congratulations My Hero Academia for providing, possibly, the biggest and longest legit straightbaiting yet in shonen history.

Bonus points that their final chapter was released on yaoi day.

[hellerism]

man supernatural was crazy they wrote an onscreen fully intended to be romantic i love you and then were immediately like but he could’ve meant it in a platonic brotherly way. in fact he did mean it in a platonic brotherly way. actually he didn’t even say i love you and we’re never going to talk about that character or that scene ever again. you’re crazy and you’re a pervert. anyway here’s ten minutes of dean driving his car you guys love the car don’t you

[opikiquu]

(disappears for a month and reappears with a slightly obscure hyperfixation) Hey guys

[lichqueenlibrarian]

I need you all to understand that Kirk didn’t reach out to wake Spock, Spock reached out to him.

Meanwhile McCoy is so happy and mad he’s apoplectic, and they’ve only been reunited for a minute.

[asurrogateblog]

by far the best reaction to john lennon's death was george getting all irritated with him like "idiot should've been more prepared to die. good luck putting your spirit at rest now🙄🙄". and the reason its so funny is because, given the numerous ghost encounters even just between the three remaining beatles, by all accounts george was right

[mothtowers]

true love

[andrew-dwyer]

we are not discussing “somebody was up too late with their cowboy” enough

[zarla-s]

I've been playing a lot of Palworld lately, it's so addictive! It scratches a certain itch for me perfectly, haha. These are the three that have stood out to me so far, which probably doesn't come as a huge surprise.

[patreon]

[sandflakedraws]

i hope all hickdory fans out there know that german dub JD is absolutely excellent, one of my favs

here. have a dub highlight reel i made just for y'all

[dreamerdrop]

i don’t think we talk enough about the inherent horror of kira nerys meeting her alternate universe counterpart and realising that in another timeline she was basically an even worse version of fuckin’ dukat.

and that bajoran lady dukat also wants to fuck her apparently even though they’re the same person technically.

how much do you think kira just tried to pretend none of that ever happened to maintain whatever was left of her sanity.

[egophiliac]

I feel like F/P/S was still a pretty weird one, even by Lance's standards.

sorry for (in an ironic twist) not doing much Ride Kamens art now that it's actually started; I've been pretty slow going through it and I feel weird posting about things I'm not caught up on! though I'm. definitely gonna have to set aside some time to actually get through episode 13, after what they posted today. (w-what did they do to my Leon) (NOBODY TELL ME I HAVE TO FIND OUT ON MY OWN) (LEOOOOOOOON)

[spiders-and-swords]

After creating an oc animation I deserve to post three different fanarts in one day

Terezi :]

[opikiquu]

these 2 gonna drive me insane