#i just hope he doesnt suddenly stop eating or something because of depression

[rockn-rule]

So before I forget, something happened a week ago, someone killed one of my turkeys while me and my friend were right there and we didn't even hear em do it-

They took our female white turkey off the table and rung her neck out in a fire pit and left her there for us to find and has been practically stalking me ever since. I'm not going to lie it's been scary as of late, especially after seeing them in my kitchen window, but I've been trying to come back to Tumblr even though I'm stressed. I'm honestly so tired after everything I've been goin through these past weeks, but I promise I'm trying to get back to art and I promise I'll return to my fanfics one day. For now I'mma focus on my birds and on my own safety (I've been cleaning and sharpening my old taxidermy knife) and I'll update and reblog here and there when I'm not busy working on fixing the coop but other than that I need someone to give me advice on protecting my flock from these psychos here; otherwise I might go insane.

[arthurflecksgirl]

Artie falls in love with you / Arthur Fleck short story

Disclaimer: Suicidal thoughts, sex, drunk Arthur, romantic, sweet

“How...how many kisses?“

Arthur was lying on the couch, burying his face in the pillow. The two of you went out on a date for the third time today and you were truly in love with him.

“Just tell me sweetheart, how many?“ He mumbled. The couple glasses of wine werent a good idea considering that he was on his medication and was never really drunk before. You felt kinda bad about his condition right now. But you really tried to get him out of his apartment and did choose a good restaurant to finally get him to eat something. He never ate propery and looked kinda starved. Also a side effect of his meds. You felt good, watching him eating half a plate today, so you ordered some wine,too.

You kneed in front of the couch to made sure he's comfortable, petting his soft, sweaty curls “What do you mean?“

He smirked at you “How many smoochies will I get from you tonight?“ His face lighted up looking at you. His childlike grin made your knees weak every time.

You kept on playin with his hair “Many,Arthur.“

“But how much?“

He tried to get up and kiss you on the cheek, making kissing noises and almost fell from the couch “Oooops“ he buried his face in your neck “I almost fell. Good thing I fell in your arms,huh?“ His breath felt hot against your skin. The smell of his hair felt like home. “Yeah Arthur, I'm afraid you're a bit drunk.“

Arthurs smile grew even more “I'm not drunk. I just love you so much and need to know how many?“ A sloppy kiss on the corner of your lips.

“Countless,Artie.“

He sunk back into his pillow “Wow, thats a lot!“

You took the blankets and covered him with it “Just try to get some sleep,okay? You will get all the kisses when you're sober again“.

He crawled up under the sheets, his beautiful face lookin slightly weathered. “Hey (YN) wanna hear a Joke? “

“Sure“

“So this man comes into an libary“ he chuckles in his pillow already.

"...and asks for a book on how to commit suicide.

And the libarian said  Fuck off, you won`t bring it back"

He can`t help but laugh about his own joke. His dark homor said more about himself than you wanted to admit but you were very drawn to his view of things. He always seemed to feel everything with an intensivity you have never seen on someone else before. Eighter if he was happy or sad. When you met him he told you he never felt happy in his whole life but you felt like it changed dramatically since you dated. Knowing that he was all alone by himself, expect from living with his mother his whole life still breaks your heart. Never have you met someone more caring. He loves to make late night conversations while cuddeling up under the blankets, about everything that was going on in his head. Sometimes he had troubles explaining what he was trying to say but you loved his way of observing things around him. He payed attention wo every datail. You admired him, which he couldnt understand. He loved to be seen and he loved that you listened to him carefully. But he still wasnt sure why you loved him so much. You guess he wasnt used to this kind of attantion.

"Thats a good one,Arthur!"

He was getting sleepy "Yeah... you know what (YN) there are many more jokes in my journal, you know? I want you to read it. "

"The jokes?"

"The whole thing"

His eyes got heavier now.

"There are not only jokes in it" his eyes tried to focus on you "I was writing about you,too.I want you to read it"

Your hand slit under the blanket to caress his chest "About me? Really?"

"Yeah" the scar on his upper lip liftet when he did that smirk and it always made you blush. He even managed to make you blush while lying drunk on the couch. You felt kinda bad by getting turned on seeing him in this condition.

"I dont know Arthur, I feel like this is kinda personal. I dont want to disturb your privacy by reading your journal.

"Just do it!"

"Artie, you`re drunk. What if you dont want me to read it anymore in the morning?"

He was leaning  over to give you sloppy kisses again "Thats why I want you to read it now." He was pointing his finger at you "Hey, wanna hear another one?"

You gave him a soft kiss on his forehead "Get some sleep, Arthur. You need to rest now"

He falls back into the pillow and falls asleep with a smile on his face.

After you made sure he fell asleep you looked at his diary. He really said he wanted you to read it. And that he wrote about you.

You werent sure if you should take a look. This felt so personal. On the other hand... You were more than curious about what he might thought of you. You just started dating and had your first kiss some days ago. He was a really good kisser. You guessed he didnt really knew what to do at first but he was so emotionally involved. He seemed to soak up every second of the moment. Like he really wanted this. He was right there in the moment with you, which you loved.After the kiss he confessed that he never was with a woman before and you think he was a bit ashamed about it. But he still wanted you to know. You didnt mind. You thought it was cute actually. And you wanted nothing more than being his first. You would love him all night. Like he deserved to be loved.

Another stare at his diary. You put my hands on the cover. Arthur Fleck case number 064823. Sure he had some problems. But you wanted the both of you  to figure them out together. You wanted to hold his hand when he was in the waiting room to attent his appointments. You still werent sure what the exact diagnose was. You didnt wanted to upset him by asking too much about it. But you knew that he took anti depressants and anti psychotics.

You opened the first page of his diary. Some jokes, really dark ones. Mostly about death.

You turned the pages. Observations about homeless people. More dark jokes. Sad thoughts about being left alone.  You didnt really read all of it cuz it still felt like you were disturbing his privacy. So you tried to find the pages which are written about you and searched for your name to pop up and there is was.

Your name was written in big, red letters that looed like lipstick. With a big smiley. Your heart jumped out of my chest when you saw it. There was something so cute about it and you imagined him drawing this the night, after you met.

You took a deep breath and started to read as your hands were shaking.

"Today I met the sweetest girl. She was new in my neighborhood and seemed to be different from all those aweful bricks here in Gotham. She has a nice smile. An authentic one. Not like my own smile, which is never authentic for so many reasons. I dont even know what a real smile is. But when I saw her , I smiled and for the first time in my entire life  it felt like a real smile.

So she had those big packages to carry and i was just standing there, staring at her and suddenly she asked me for help. I was never been asked for help before. People tend to ignore and avoid me a lot. So I was very pleased to help her with her packages. We got into an conversation and I told her a joke. And she was laughing. I love it when people laugh at my jokes. I mean, I wanna do stand up comedy so bad. I need people to think that I`m funny. And I know I am. ---smiley face---

Anyway, I felt like finally someone sees me. The next day she came up to me when I was about to get to th pharmacy and she asked me out on a date. I couldnt belive it at first. I have never been on a date before. I was kinda nerveaus. Why would a beautiful, young woman like she is go out with me?

Of course I said yes.

I was dreaming about this for so long. Maybe she could be my girlsfriend. This would be a dream come true. I already told her that I have some issues, because she asked me why I was going to the city and I didnt thought twice and told her I have to buy my anti psychotics. I know that this wasnt a good move but it seems like it didnt scare her away. Well, she doesnt know how bad it really is by now.

I really hope that this time she is real and I`m not having visions or daydreams again.

Sometimes its hard to tell.

Some days I even think the meds make it even worse. But at the same time I am afraid to go off my meds. I did it once and I did some bad shit. I even ended up in Arkham for a very long time. Which wasnt that bad really.

Sometimes I think I felt better when I was locked up.

Not being able to leave my room, being with my thoughts all day, drifting away in daydreams gives me comfort. Its like ignoring the cold, dark world outside. The world doesnt care about me anyway. So why should I? The sad thing is, I still do care. I thought about ending my own life so amny times. Almost every day. But I never really tried it. Its just a game I play with myself.

How long? How long until it is not a game anymore?

How long till I have the guts to do it?

Oh man, I`m drifting away again. I wanted to talk about the GIRL!!!

She`s gorgeous. Just gorgeous.

I wish I could kiss her. I`m 35 and I hadnt had my first kiss yet. Its TIME!

I tried it once with this girls from scool i was in love with but I got so nerveaus that I started to laugh at her face and she thought I was laughing at her. Yeah well... she ended up punching me in the face and I never tried it ever since.

But I dreamed about it a lot. How would it feel to have someones lips pressed against yours? Softly and intense. To taste someones tongue in your mouth, to just melt into each other.I would never stop. I feel like a kiss is a connection on a higher level and I really wanna experience it with someone.

I got some other fantasies,too.

They`re pretty dirty and I dont feel like I can talk about them right now.

So i`m gonna quit writing for today and hope that the girl isnt already sick of me.

You turned the page and took a look at Arthur. He was humming in his sleep. Looking peaceful. All the words in his diary overwhelmed you up to a point where you didnt know what to think anymore. You hoped he enjoyed his first kiss. You really hoped your kiss was worth the wait.

The next page was just black scribbles all over the pages. Little drawings of people and cats. A lot of cats.

The next page was written on again.

"Today I woke up and wanted to die. I don`t even know why. It was just a gut feeling. I was miserable andthe darkness was caving in on me. But then I thought about the girls I just met and that she really seemed to like me. So I decited not to kill myself. Not today."

You thought about putting the diary aside. This was a lil too much for you. You didnt knew he was in such a dark place mentally. You were kinda scared but  couldnt stop reading eighter.

"So...I remembered her kiss, my first kiss and this memory was so strong. I am sure it wasnt just imagined. This time I am sure it was real. It has to be. I wanted to distract myself from suicidal thoughts and started to touch myself while thinking of her. Maybe I should write her a love letter. Or bring her flowers. Or both. I think I`ll do both. Anyway, I touched myself while thinking about sleeping with her and I finally felt something again. I tried so many times but my meds wouldnt let me cum. It barely happens. Thinking about her kiss, her hands in my hair, on my thights, between my legs.... and her sweet voice on my ear helped me a lot. I felt passion and  love and  I came so hard, you wouldnt even wanna know. I hope Penny was asleep and didnt noticed anything. This would be embarrassing as hell. I surely made some noises.

I imagined that I took her hand and made her dance all through the living room to Frank Sinatra songs and we got closer and kissed. She told me how much she loved me and how much she wanted me. I held her face in my hands and kissed her so hard, all my make up smeared up on her beautiful face. I am always wearing clown make up in my sexual fantasies. It makes me more confident.  

She just grabbed me and took my clothes off, threw them all over the room, threw me on the bed and covered my body with kisses. I felt loved for the first time in my life and all I wanted was to be inside her. To wear her like a coat that keeps me warm. I imagined her being on top of me, whispering in my ear how much she wants me to fuck her.  And yeah I know in reality she would have dominated me for sure. But in my imagination I just got on top of her and made love to her till she was out of breath. I could almost feel her breath in my neck, feel her sweet, soft hands all over me. It was just so real.  I wish it was real.

Could it become real some day?

My body was reacting in a way I didnt even knew was possible before.

I want to expercience it again. With even more details.

I think i wil get back to bed and try it one more time.

And afterwards I will write her a letter. Or two.

I just wish she never leaves again."

Blank page

Another blank page.

You put the diary aside and got up on the couch.

You crawled up under his blanket and felt the warmth of his tiney, fragile body which you want to hold for the rest of your life.

[axemetaphor]

wwwhats up its 430am I cant sleep and I dont think I've ever done an annoying headcanon ramble for jdate on here so here we fuckin goooo I'm on mobile but I'm gonna try my damnedest to do a read more and if it doesnt work and looks stupid well sue me

amy is the one routinely awake before the other two. I dont mean shes always the first one to wake up, but her back pain is more likely to have her up in the early hours of the morning. shes also the only one who has anything thay resembles q sleeping schedule of the three as john is just like, completely fucked in that department and Dave's insomnia/depression-sleeping fucks him over sometimes. basically amy Has A Brain and also lost likely schedules it so that she can be falling asleep as her pain pills take effect.

amy also is the one who's like fairly into self care stuff like fuckinuhhh face masks and shit—look, I dont inow jackshit about self care, but I mean amy strikes me as the kind of person to actually maintain her appearance in a fairly regular manner. john will just like "forget" to take care of himself and then just Be Decadent for a week and then "forget" again (either going on a bender or just actually being normal for once) and all dave knows of self care is "when I get the urge to eat an entire pie, and give into that urge, That is self care"

anyways Partially because of that I headcanon Dave gets acne like Pretty Much All The Time and hes just kinda stopped caring about it. amy gets acne Sometimes because it just like Happens. john is that one lucky motherfucker who just is somehow naturally immune. perpetually clear skin on this man. I hate him

also dave Kind Of strikes me as the kind of guy fuckign "3 in 1" shampoo is targeted towards the man just Does Not Care. other girlfriends have tried to get him into actually using different kinds of soaps and not just defaulting to "3 in 1 wherever I think soap should go" but its amy who actually succeeds in breaking this terrible habit hes had.

also I think that Despite his hair being described as frizzy and all that, John actually takes care of his hair. except for times when hes Less Than Functional. and also yknow when the world is fuckin ending but I doubt anyone really has time for a haircare routine when they gotta be fighting monsters and shit

amy again is just a normal person about hair. but shes the only one who can actually cut hair and tbqh I think she does it Pretty Well! shes no professional but shes not john either that's for sure (if you let john close to your head with scissors, well— it's your funeral, man)

this is completely projecting and also like totally Useless but I just think it would be funny if Dave has exploding head syndrome. if you donf know what that is it's a phenomenon-or-something where right when you're dropping off to sleep your brain just liek idk gets bored I guess? and comes up with some phantom Loud Noises to startle the shit out of you. it's great! and by 'great' I mean terribly annoying! but in general I think Dave is a Very restless sleeper so him suddenly flinching himself awake isnt exactly Abnormal.

amy sleeps like a normal human being Mostly, I think she Might be one of those sorts who likes to sleep curled up in the fetal position which is so very valid. she gets night terrors sometimes though because ✨trauma✨. the best way to comfort her with that is a tight hug cause I feel like her Main fear would be that shes all alone again and a hug sure does help people feel less alone I think,

john either starfishes out when he sleeps (also I headcanon he likes to sleep at least Partially on top of Dave and Dave only pretends to hate it) or grabs hold of something and clings to it tightly. hes a very light sleeper, though, and snaps awake at any loud noise or especially if he gets bumped into too strongly. this doesn't always play well with Dave's restlessness and tendency to Sleep Fight but they manage.

I feel like its fairly common to Assume john has tattoos but specifically I feel like a lot of his tattoos are things he or his friends have drawn, I wrote about it Once Or Twice but maybe not here so I'll just like say it again, I think he asks his friends to draw shit on him then goes and gets it tattooed later (or, hell, right then and there lmao) and it's like a Mark of Friendship. he claims Dave has drawn the most on him because Dave's his best friend but whether or not that's true, who knows. the first one was from Dave, though, and john did it himself stick-and-poke style the night of. that happened while they were still in high school and Dave was actually Slightly Embarrassed because what he doodled was just like really stupid looking and fuckin hell john now you're gonna have that on you forever what the hell man? but the rest of John's tattoos, if not done by friends they're either things he drew (I maintain he still draws in his downtime I love the idea of artistically talented john so much-) or weird shit he found online.

I honestly didnt think Dave would really get tattoos because he does state hes afraid of needles BUT as someone Also afraid of needles who paradoxically wants tattoos .. he could probably power through it and get like A Few. one of them is from John (stick-and-poke style, again,) and I am Not actually sure how many hed have but definitely less than John. amy only has that one tattoo that I keep forgetting when I draw her godfuckendammit-

John is the one who makes the most Food Monstrosities (Dave barely even bothers to cook) and he does this by making just the worst decisions both technical-wise (as in, hes Definitely the "just turn the oven temperature up to speedrun cooking" kind of guy) and taste-wise. dave on the other hand is likely to make terrible drinks like jack daniels + mountain dew which my buddy Ben so fantastically dubbed "jack and piss." the sheer Concept of jack daniels + mtn dew tho is thanks to that one kurtis conner video about becoming a country boy which is entirely unrelated but everyone needs to know. ANYWAY.

john and Amy like playing pranks on each other (and dave). they're in an ongoing low-key prank war and Dave is Mostly just spectating but sometiems they Conspire to commit mischief against him. it's annoying sometimes but ultimately more endearing than it is annoying so he never gets Too mad.

john and Amy absolutely have Gaming Nights(tm) that sometimes include dave as well unless they wanna play some like fps game, I'm fairly sure hes said he doesnt really like those. but they also can get Competetive which, dave tends to act as a bit of a buffer to keep them from getting Too into it ... but sometimes he gets a little competitive too. what I'm trying to say is them playing mario kart is absolute chaos and also an event i woudl buy tickets to

john has a youtube channel for sure. he is So obnoxious. he hardly has any audience because let's be honest his videos kind of suck— they're all either kinda boring vlogs or him recording the cases he and Dave go on (when he can convince Dave to let him) which are almost always declared Fake by the commenters. amy is subscribed to him. dave probably doesnt even have/use his own YouTube channel so he was not subscribed until john stole his phone and did it for him. (he never watches the videos) the videos are not edited much, I dont think any of them really knows too much about video editing shit.

dave cant fuckin do math.

John and Dave do Not know how to handle crying. like Dave's learned what helps Amy, in specific, but anybody else? clueless. Dave also just does not cry very often in general (shut up lemme project again LMAO-) and tends to just refrain from doing it even if he wants to/probably should, rarely ever actually breaking down and letting it all out; he'll stop himself from getting there/even crying much in the first place. he doesn't exactly have a Reason for it or at least not one he can recite (it's the bullying. we dont get details of how that was beyond The Locker Room Incident which I wont go into but I'm just going to project the rest of it was similar to shit I went through, It's The Bullying). John also kinda Doesn't Cry and actually hes even more restrained about it than Dave, because he won't even cry around either of them if he can avoid it and if it happens he 1) will Not address it, 2) prefers no one else acknowledge it, and 3) will Run The Fuck Away if it's acknowledged. they both try Really Really Hard to help amy when shes crying though, if shes crying for a Big Reason, cause they both also understand she just cries easily and doesnt always need or want comfort.

that,s all for now BUT if I come up with mroe. there will be a reblog. also these are not all like "I am the only one who's ever tho ig ht this" or w/e a lot of them are from me talking with other people or Absorbing much older posts on here because I read Everuthing I can find.

I sure hope I can sleep soon, this is probably mostly incoherent. gnight

[jensenackle]

so, falling in love? the greatest thing in the world. makes u feel invencible like you could swallow the entire world raw and nobody could stop you. You'd like to think you could go on and on forever talking about love but its been so long you dont even remember anymore

getting your heart broken? well that is something. at first you feel like its the end of the world. And you know what? it kinda is. not in the "im going to die because of this" way, but instead, its like you wake up from the haze and reality hits you in the chest so damn hard it takes your breath away. it is raw and the most painful thing in the world, to think the person you trusted and loved more than anyone just betrayed your trust and stabbed you in the back. its not that they're unfaithful the thing that hurts, not entirely, but rather that they knew it would hurt you, and they did it all the same. and then lied about it. And you know damn well that once you start telling lies you can never stop and now you're like a snowball tumbling down getting bigger as the moments pass by, but its all gonna come crashing down inevitably. its losing the trust you had put in that person and now you cant even believe your etes because nothing seems true anymore. Is the sky really blue? The grass green? Or am i just blind to the truth?

trying to work things out means forgiveness and apologies and forgetting and getting over. it truly means turning the page around, period. there's no other way, you can't bend this to work like you'd like. Because that's when things get ugly. And i mean really fucking ugly and you feel like you've lost yourself because suddenly you're acting like you've never have before, like you said you never would. And its new and terrifying and so bad and ugly you're scared you're stepping into the darkest version of you and you don't even recognize yourself.

you start asking yourself questions, like what have they done to me? but also what have i allowed people to turn me into? and also why? Mostly why. And you can't wrap your head around this, because life was like a bliss and you felt divine but now you feel like someone's attached an anchor to your ankle and thrown you to the deepest ocean and youre sinking and drowning and struggling, and you know life changes fast but why did it have to change to this? did i really deserve it?

but you didn't deserve it. The betrayal and feeling like dying and the depression and that one time when you first stepped outside your house in the aftermath, after weeks of being in bed and not sleeping at all barely eating and crying yourself to sleep, and you couldn't keep the tears from falling or the sobs from coming out your mouth because you were overwhelmed. You didnt deserve it, and you werent responsable for that either. None of it was your fault, and maybe the guilt of "what if i had done anything different?" will leave your body someday.

But it was them. They're the ones that screwed you over and then claimed to love you. You can understand now, though, that they're humans because we all are and we all make mistakes. But you can't forgive, him treating you like a fool and lying and going behind your back. You've never forgotten nor forgiven. And you had to get back at him didn't you? Had to have your revenge.

But he didn't deserve it either and that eats you up but you wont do anything about it because its not your place to do so. Because you'll try to justify yourself but you were in the wrong. Tried to convince yourself you were over and done, could fall in love again, and he wasnt a rebound. Nope, not all. He was the real thing. But you know now you were lying to yourself back then. He was convenient. And willing. And you kinda liked but you know he liked you a lot so you took advantage. I know its no fair putting it in those words, its not like you were conscious about what you were doing, so far down in denial, but its what you did anyway and now you have to own up to it. Now youve hurt a lot of people and yourself too, some didnt deserve it and some did, just because you tried to cover up your feelings. How did that work out for you, baby girl?

Getting back with an ex is a big no-no, you've learnt your lesson or you're starting to, trying to, wanting to. Because the shit thats in the past should fucking stay in the past. Its there for a reason anyway, digging it up will amount to nothing eventually. And im talking about feelings and emotions and situations and friendships and lovers. The whole deal. Whats dead should say well, dead. It died right? And trying to bring it back to life will make it morph into something new. But if youre lucky, like really fucking lucky, the new thing will be good and bright and beautiful. But if youre like me? Luck has never been on our side. And now the zombie will try to please you and you'll try to please him too until you find yourself reaching for the shotgun and pointing it right to them while they're coming for you.

Because the new is gonna be so exciting at first, like you've been missing out on life all the time you've been away from them like you finally can breath. But then the spell is over and reality hits you and guess what? It's ugly, obviously. It always was but you just didnt wanna see it but now the curtain is up and the blindfold is gone and you have to go and confront yourself and tell yourself the truth.

It'll be ages till you listen though. Denial, again. I kinda feel like that's become our thing. And nasty little habit, that is. And even when you finally start to listen, you will withdraw again. Reach out for the cover again. Because the truth is ugly and painful and you dont want that. You dont want to believe your fairytale love doesnt get happy ending, probably never will. And it will come crashing down and burning, like it has in the past, like you've so desperately tried to avoid. No one wants to face that

But life is what it is whether you like it or not and avoiding the inevitable will only make things harder and thats right - uglier. But maybe if you could hold on into that last bright thing... maybe you could fix it all. But you know you can't.

Too much shit has happened now. You've got baggage now. Not that you didn't have it before from your insecurities and years of teenage depression but it wasnt like this. Never like this. Back then you didn't like your self but you trusted your convictions and rules and now that you've done all the shit you said you wouldn't, who are you now? What do you believe in anymore? Do you believe in anything? Now you second guess.

You would have jumped had he asked. Would have done anything for him, and it sounds pretty but it isn't and you've lost yourself so damn deep you're never finding that again so it would be better to rebuild from scratch, right? But now you're longing and nostalgic for who you were, and what it was and how you felt. Like walking on clouds.

But then it hits you and you feel like you can't even breath: you don't feel like that anymore. And even if you want to turn your head away from this you can't. And now you have to do something. You owe it to yourself, after all. Can't waste more of her heart and time.

And it's a slow path. Bunch of rocks in the way. It's hard to walk and you keep turning back but keep walking forward because it's the only thing to do, even if you want to go back, and you want, but you cant. Hoping that you wont. Even if it hurts. For you.

And here we are at the end of things. The end of the world. The world you built for yourself and him that no longer will be and everything will die with it, the inside jokes and knowing each other and the old memories and the new memories and everything in between. Breaking up, if it was true love, will feel like dying because parts of you will (the ones you were with him and the ones he takes with you) and will feel like the world is shattering around you because it is.

Falling out of love? Not as fun as falling in. But you learn more. Lose a lot more than just people, but you lose perspective on the beauty of life and of love. Especially love. You become bitter and cynical. You desperately want to view life bright again because now it feels as if someone dimmed the lights. And at the same time you want to embrace the new thoughts. Arent sure which one is the bad and which the good, or if there is a good or bad at all, and now you're confused and conflicted.

It takes time. I'm still trying to figure out.

[bangtanficrecs]

Lost & Found Batch #20

Can’t start up the blog again without posting the newest batch! As always, if you happen to know the fic the ask is looking for, reply to this post or send us an ask with the request number and title/author. If you happen to know any fics from Past Batches, those are more than welcome as well. Thank you!! ~ Admin P

                                                      --------------

1) Hi! I’m looking for a fic I read quite a while ago and if you can help me i’ll be forever grateful... it was about namjoon having powers and accidentally causing damage, so seokjin (who was a kind of a social worker assigned to him) sent him to live with yoongi as a way to make up for his “crime”. Yoongi was also magical and lived isolated from society. If I remember correctly hoseok was also guilty of something and sent to yoongi with namjoon. Sorry if it’s too vague, but that’s all I remember

2) Hi, I decided to give this a try though I think the fic may have been deleted because I just can't find the fic anymore. Basically its ot7 and the main character (Jungkook?) took the boys to meet his mom. The author had the boys super athletic, tall and in college;they were also from Texas. Jungkook sadly had to deal with homophobic classmates. It was a one shot I believe.

Hey, Momma by CaridwenAngetueur1

3) hi!! i’m trying to find a yoonmin fic i read a while ago, where yoongi lived in this small town and had an apothecary and jimin would come and sing in the town centre, and yoongi would give him something for his nerves before he’d go on stage. i remember jimin would glow and light would shoot out from him when he sung. it was a completed fic on ao3, i can’t seem to find it. thank you so much for your help!!

4) Hello! If you don’t mind helping me, im looking for a jikook fic i can’t seem to find again on ao3. Its a time travel, canon au where present day bts where in japan and Jungkook had went through a shrine? He ends up in the past with younger!bts and acts as like a cousin to Jungkook until they can figure out how to send him back. I remember there being a scene where younger!bts miss their flight to help older!jungkook get back to the future? If you need more details please let me know. Thank you!

5) Hello! I'm looking for a vmin fic where flowers literally grow on Tae and he's really insecure about it and gets depressed. It's super soft and fluffy and the entire thing is pretty much just Jimin taking care and comforting him. I'm pretty sure it's a one-shot and that they are the only two that are explicitly brought up. I love it so much and I hope that this isn't too vague.

6) hi idk if any of u can help me find this fic but imma try: its an au in which kids go disappearing often and i can only remember that one day taehyung is one of them and jungkook takes it up on himself to find him bc he firmly believes that he isnt dead yet. not sure bout this but i also think tae got kidnapped to get tested on? and seokjin is one of the doctors in that institution??? this fic is written by a fanboy as far as i can recall and had a reallyyyyyy hard to remember title sigh 😔

kotov syndrome by wormkun Note: The fic is locked and requires an AO3 account to view

7) Hey so I read this fic a while ago but no matter what i search, i can't seem to find it. Namjoon was a depressed ?college student? and he wrote songs that he only showed to his friend Jimin. He and Jimin go to a coffee shop where Yoongi works and yoongi keeps leaving notes to RM on Joon's coffee cups, but namjoon doesnt' know who RM is. I think it turns out Jimin had been posting Joons songs and yoongi recognized his voice and wanted to encourage him. NJ writes always and almost attempts suicide

8) Hello, I was wondering if you could help find this fanfic I've looking for forever. It's an ot7 relationship fic ( I think it's jimin centric). it was still not completed. The summary was something like taehyung asking jimin if he wanted to be in a relationship with them and jimin saying No. Because technically he already knew they were all in a relationship and he felt betrayed that he was left out for so long. There is something about a creepy sasaeng fan too. I would really appreciate it.

Last to Know by Meadow_Wanderer

9) Hi! Im looking for an au fic where Jungkook was depressed, and was with V who had anger problems bc of past child abuse. Jhope didn’t like Jungkook bc of something about his dark past involving his sister who I think was raped and died. I also remembered RM having a tattoo and being an ex member of a mafia group. He blew a gas station up, and Jin thought he died but he came back, and they had sex on the window. JK attempted suicide as well but Jin saved him. Thanks!!

10) I'm searching for a vminhope fanfic. It was I believe an A/B/O one. It was on aff. Hoseok was a berserker, Jimin was a beta and Tae was an omega.

11) Hi!!!!! I've been looking for this one fic forever. It's about jungkook who's an art student and jimin and taehyung are cops who look out for him. Jungkook talks a lot about suicide and he's a university art student. I think one of the art projects in the fic was a corpse painting with flowers. Jungkook also stole from a convenience store and when jimin and Rae caught up to him they noted he had a red beanie in his pocket. Thats all. Thank you!!!

12) There was this fic where Jungkook was lonely and lived alone in a hut on the woods, and he saw Jimin in a club took him to that hut and Jimin tried to run away but Injured his leg and had to stay. It's wip, and now i can't find it :( help please?

13) i'm having trouble finding a fanfic about taekook, where jungkook finds taehyung in a lake (or any body of water), and it turns out that he's from past times. he shows taehyung around present day, and taehyung at one point dresses up as a cowboy. jungkook gives taehyung's peepee the big succ, they get caught by the police, but they run away. from my memory, that's where it ends, or there may be more to it. even tags from ao3 to jog my memory will help.

14) I read this Taejin fanfic a while ago and now I can’t find it, all I know about it is that Taehyung was in some way abused and Jin brought him to his home, also that Jin had a twin brother, also it had many chapters, if you can find it I’ll be very grateful!!!

15) Hi! I read a yoomin fic in ao3 when I was new in the Fandom and I can't find it anywhere, I remember it being angst, mostly Yoongi's pov, it was set in the I need you era and Yoongi played the piano for jungkook's dance, I also remember Jimin struggled with eating disorders and alcoholism and that at some point they had a big fight when jimin came home drunk in a random cab d

16) Hi! I can't find a fic I read few years ago, so I was wondering if you could help)) It was Taehyung/Namjoon fic, and Namjoon hired him as his fake ex-boyfriend so that his friends (Hoseok and Jimin if I remember correctly) would stop asking him to go on dates or smth like that.

if it bleeds by wertstoffhof (roachprince)

17) Hello! I’m hoping you can help me find a fic, it’s a mental hospital one where all the members apart from jin and namjoon are in the mental hospital and another member (maybe jungkook) arrives and it turns out jin is making up their diagnosis because he thought they’d want to stay longer. If that’s too brief i can remember specific bits but i couldn’t find anything on your tags, thank you! Jin is a sort of like a therapist who looks after them and namjoon is like the manager of sorts i think

Seeking Heaven by fullofsuga

18) Hello, hope you're well! I was wondering if you could help me find a Jihope fic that I've been looking for forever! Jimin was friends with Taehyung and didn't know the rest of the boys until he was added into a group chat. I remember that Jimin worked in a shop that was broken in to, and that Taehyung didn't want Jimin and Hoseok to date? I think the chapter titles were all days of the week as well - thank you!!

19) Hey do you know the name of this historic au fic where Yoongi is a chaebol and I think he buys Jungkook from his abusive dad to be his servant? I remember he teaches him how to read and even gives up his money just to be with jungkook and becomes an author

tear the moon from the stars tonight by euphoriae

20) Hi! I'm looking for a YoonMin fanfic that's a pretend/fake dating au, where Jimin was at the grocery shop and his ex suddenly came up and started teasing/mocking him? Then Yoongi suddenly came up behind him and started pretending to be his bf? Thank you so much and I'm so sorry for the bother!

21) Hey! I've been looking for this fic forever (i've tried every tag on ao3, god help me). It's a v/yoongi fic where tae is really into public sex and yoongi too, but yoongi is shy at first. there's a scene at the beginning where yoongi is on a date with a girl and he goes to the bathroom to masturbate. at the middle they both are in a restaurant with 2 other people (from bts, i can't remember which members) and tae touches him. at the end tae masturbates yoongi in a restaurant/karaoke booth?

Hands-On Learning by pornographicpenguin

22) Hi! Looking for this multi chaptered abo fic where Yoongi is a omega and kookie presents as an alpha during practice and triggers yoongi's heat. Later on jin and joon become mates but it's mainly about yoonkook slowly getting together... Idk if that's helpful but it's driving me crazy because I can't find it

23) Hi, I'm looking for an old jin/yoongi fic that had a magical element in it I read a while ago and need a little help. Yoongi is an underground rapper and he always passes by this shop. One night after a gig he actually stops in front of it and goes in. Jin runs it and gives him a drink. (I think its tea but idk) he also gives him a muffin or cupcake. At the end jin tells yoongi he was looking for love and that's what led yoongi into the shop.

24) Hi! I’m looking for a fic I read a year back. It has Jin as an assassin and he saved the maknae line from abuse and stuffs and they fell in love with him. And he also has a relationship with Suga

25) Weird fic I read but I want to see if more came out. Anyway it's super weird, bts is the a werewolf gang and they go to a party for the higher ranking alphas. There they meet an omega of a high ranking alpha and then more stuff happens that I can't remember. I just thought of it randomly and I wanted to see if you could find it. It's okay of you can't I appreciate the help either way.

26) Ok color me corrected if you manage to find this fic, but I can’t seem to remember anything about it. It’s a red string of fate/soulmate au but I CANNOT remember the pairing. I think it was canon divergent, they lived in the dorm together. I remember that the string was actually tangible and the pair would always trip over it. Thanks haha

27) I am looking for a fic I read ages ago. It was jikook, they were in high school. Jk is really rich and loves taking photos one day he sees jm and is compelled to take a photo of his bright orange hair. Tae sees the photo and hires jk so take photos of jimin as he never sees him smile. Jm is very poor, he is freinds with joon and tae I think. Jin is jks brother. Jm initially gets mad at jk but eventually they become friends and fall in love. There was some past stuff with taegi too I think.

Imperfectly Perfect by whenIseeUsmile

28) Hi. I'm looking for a fic on ao3. It's a historical royalty au and I think it's yoonmin. I think it's incomplete too. Yoongi is a prince and his brother is JK. Jimin and Jin are spys from a neighbouring kingdom that's on the verge of war. The last chapter I remember has the castle being invaded and the royal family being killed, there may have been a fire. I hope you can help

Death In Disguise by pikachoi

[ohdeerlings]

mushi hime rant hahahhaahfdsjh

just posting my long-winded summary i typed immediately after finished reading to talk about how bad it was; it ended up a lot longer than i intended and now i feel like i should at least keep what i put effort into typing =___=

so it starts with this guy who's been getting recurring nightmares of a girl who shapeshifts into a monster with a huge mouth and teeth eating him

one day a transfer student comes in and looks exactly like her(already outplayed trope of having dreams for no reason of reality that doesnt ever get explained, and it happens lots of times throughout

)around the same time strange events start happening around town: ex, truck driver found by police with markings of a mass insect attack, dogs and pets all getting attacked by swarms of ants and filling up the vet hospitals

the narrative goes back and forth btwn:

- the guy's (Ryoichi's) POV in class where he's just not approaching her and wary of her bc of his dream; he's Not Like Other Boys who get all horny over her bc she's perfect (beautiful, smart, mysteriously quiet, physically adept)

- and btwn this stereotypically wacky/eccentric scientist who was consulted by the police with the first caseturns out the scientist has been tracking down a series of seemingly unrelated murders that follow a clear path ending at Ryoichi's town

throughout the story there's some not so subtle dialogues about the earth going through global warming and species dying

the scientist spiels to some insignificant characters about how humans arent long for this earth, etc etc and how insects are amazing because of their adaptational abilities

he seems to know the transfer student girl, Kikuchi and is trying to track her down

meanwhile kikuchi is character-developed as some clearly dangerous but morally compromised monster-human hybrid who Only Preys on Bad Guys or people around at the wrong time

she gets hit on by some lecherous perv who asks her to karaoke and she actually agrees

there she straddles him and starts kissing him and then these tentacle things come ouit of her throat and go into his mouth

he slumps over and she leaves

the scientist-investigator duo are closing in on her and find the security camera tapes, from that they get a picture and show it around town to try to locate her

meanwhile Ryoichi is still like wow she's Scary and I'm Not Like Other Boys

then he happens to see her just as the old man from the karaoke bar (who seems to have not been killed and is just stumbling around acting drugged) finds her and attacks her

a fucking needle spike comes out of her arm and she defends herself by stabbing him and puncturing his skull and killing him

he sees all that and shes like well guess you're my hostage now and takes him to his house

she's also attracted to him inexplicably, partially because He's Not Like Other Boys and shes like WHY ISNT HE SECRETING PHEROMONES FOR ME(she can smell that

)then there's a weird "erotic" scene where she forces him onto the bed and deep throats him with her mouth tentacles

then there's just a LOT of dialogue thrown at us at once with the scientist just explaining a shit ton to his investigation partner whose character clearly only exists for hte sake of exposition

turns out he had a colleague when he worked on a super secret gov funded experiment called biosphere 2 where they sealed off a forest and bombed it with radiation and pollution n shit

they found that it endured a lot at first and it was because of the bugs (?) that it did until the bugs disappeared and were nowhere to be found, then the forest just died

they looked around and found mutated bugs sleeping inside the earth

his colleague had a daughter back then with a terminal illness so out of desperation he injected the dna of the mutated insects into her, hoping their resilience would change her body to survive the illness

so she lived but she was clearly not human, farming off of her dad - she wasnt able to produce endorphins anymore so her tentacle things would secrete an enzyme to get hte host to produce lots of endorphins and she would take it, creating a dependency

bc she was the only of her species to exist she felt a need to procreate so she also kept trying to mate with her dad 

then we find out that her dad had an identical twin who was raised by foster parents - and thats Ryoichi's dad, making Ryoichi and Kikuchi technically cousins, and genetically half-siblings

so thats why she was Inexplicably drawn to that town, and to him

she was wandering through japan because at some point her dad tried to kill her for humanity's sake, but bc of a random flood their town was wiped out and he wasnt able to kill her and she disappeared/survived the flood thanks to her ability to mutate in environmental changes

meanwhile she's been keeping him hostage to feed off of his endorphins and creating a dependency in him for the enzymes she would give him

until his mom accidentally comes into his room and sees, then she runs away and dies falling down the stairs lol

then he's all like ytou're a monster!!!!! and she threatens to kill the girl-next-door character in his friend group who seemed to have a thing for him/vice versa

so he's like: ill do anything just spare her!!!! 

so she forces him to answer the door when his friends are like why havent u been going to class and tell them to fuck off/be a dick to them

while theyre walking outside after to go somewhere else the scientist sees the girl (Chiken) and is like hEY you look sad and depressed there's nothing possibly else that could make u feel like that except having your childhood crush abducted by a halfhuman-half locust succubus

he shows her the picture and she recognizes her and leads him back to the house

then he gets a rifle to try to shoot her and theres a whole fight scene where she uses her pheromones to call upon the insects to swarm

ryoichi is useless because he found his moms corpse lying in the bathtub getting consumed by maggots she asked to fully decompose the body

then the scientist gets a couple shots in and fends her off, meanwhile random police get in the way to stop what looks just like a home invasion and she disappears

they take ryoichi into the hospital bc all the endorphin harvesting and brain fuckery has him weak

then ryoichi's dad comes in and is like how do you recognize who i am!! to the scientist who explains

oh yeah that's the point at which we find out ryoichi and kikuchi are related

and then he's still having dreams where she vores him and he's both horrified and wants it

meanwhile entire city is getting swarmed by insects in a disaster scene with society breaking down etc etc

kikuchi tracks them down by following ryoichi's scent (?)

then they have one last battle where they try to use the dad as a distraction bc he looks identical to her dead father

and somehow the scientist just FINDS specific chemicals/enzymes to throw on her and weaken the part of her thats an insect

also earlier before she got there he  whips out the mutant insect dna out of nowhere? like the extremely valuable dna that he should have no business just finding/still carrying around

and is like

hey lets inject ourselves with this because humanity is getting wiped out and attacked by insects rn anyway, the only way to live i sto adapt

but no one does it (lmao pointless inclusion) 

then they defeat her in a big struggle with ryoichi getting farmed on by her again and instead of just taking it has a Miraculous realization past the drugs that oh no this person is killing everyone i love

and CHOMPS on her tentacle thigns while their mouths are connected

scientist injuects her with more random dna he has to compromise her mutant dna and the insect swarming stops bc of the internal biological shit happening and she's writhing oon the ground

then looks like she dies

they try to escape the basement theyve been in because its suddenly flooding (no reason lmfao)

on the way out they get stopped by a teacher that she pricked with her spike earlier on who's been missing from school and his "insect bite" changed his behavior/ultimately made him into a different part human part bug who tries to kill them

then kikuchi who -surprise- hadnt died!@!! shows up again but now she's blond and looks almost exactly like Ryoichi (who is blond) because the thing the scientist injected in her enabled her to adapt to the water and she's still a  mutatn but Less Evil Somehow and he's like i thOUGHT U DIED.... I ACTUALLY LOVE YOU.. 

then epilogue is the scientist goign through his life normally and the city is recovered from the insect swarm and he sees another random global warming thing in the news and is like

“its only a matter of time before humanity perishes, but now is not that time....we're good.............,,,,,,,for now...and i know somewhere underwater something of humanity's legacy will live on”

and it cuts to ryoichi and kikuchi hugging in a very Shape of Water way underwater with tentacle thigns cause they went to live in the ocean

then there s a bad window for a sequel showing the teacher guy - SURPRISE - not actuially dead and crunching on humans in a sewer somewhere

STILL A FUN READ

[returnedmemories]

Somehow this post turned into my life story

This past month I've been able to call my kids every Sunday night. Im thrilled. The new medication I've been on has abled me to to feel things and be less depressed . I cant believe Im finally doing well enough and that I have earned enough trust with their guardians. I feel less disconnected from my kids. The calls dont usually last long, but I now get to hear about what they have done during the week, and whats happening in their lives.

Before I saw them only a few hours once every 3 months. Inbetween visits, I worried about them every day. Were they happy? Are they doing ok? Are they getting enough love? How are they handling all of the trauma they have been through? Did they miss me? Did they cry alone, struggling with their emotions? Or were they so shut down that they were barley living?

They have both come so far. I know my oldest is most likely going to struggle most of her life. Its hard to over come trauma. I know. Its a daily struggle not to relive the past over and over again. And living with depression can literally suck the life out of you. I hope she can heal. I hope she doesnt make the mistakes i made.

Being abused and rejected by my dad, and knowing my mom couldnt or wouldnt protect me left me feeling worthless. I was alone with a monster and I couldnt protect myself. Being told over and over again that I was stupid, fat, lazy, and worthless. Having my dad raging and yelling, being told that he HATED me.

I became a shell of a person. I was empty. I hated myself so much. I was eventually sucked down a dark hole of depression that I couldnt escape. I became suicidal by the time I was 11. All I wanted to do was cut open my skin and climb out of my own body. I wanted the pain to stop. But it didnt. It got worse. I was afraid to go home after school. Home wasnt a safe place. Not when HE was there. At home we walked around on egg shells hoping he would leave us alone. But there was always something. Always. I cant tell you how many times he kicked me out of the house. And when that happened my mom wouldnt know what to do or where to take me. It hurt me so much, my mom didnt stand up to him. She always said she just wanted everything to be okay, but really by doing nothing she was choosing him over me.

By the time I was 13 I discovered a way to distract myself from the pain that consumed me. Cutting. When I cut myself on the outside I could focus on that pain, and it momentarily relieved me of all the hurt inside. I tried to hide it at first. Then I stopped caring. My mom found out, she was understanding. But when my dad found out, I was assaulted with his rage and hate. I already hurt so much that most days I thought about ending my life. And what does my dad say to me? "Your not my fucking kid. Why dont you just go shoot yourself in the head witn a gun". I'll never forget that moment. I'll never forget those words. They destroyed me. Im grateful now that my mom made my dad get rid of the gun he had brought into the house. I wouldnt be here now if she hadnt. I would have done it. My entire life had become nothing but fear, depression, and self hatred. Life wasnt worth living.

I was 14 by the time I had become full blown anorexic. It was the one thing I could control. I also began going for long walks. I was 100% convinced that I was fat. Maybe I would have had this problem anyway, but I believe having my dad tell me I was fat and lazy my entire life had something to do with it.

I just stopped eating. And On top of not eating, I would take laxatives, and I would take epicac AND I would intentionally give myself food poisoning. All so my body would eject anything that might still be in my body. Im lucky I didnt end up in the hospital. I felt weak, and dizzy. There were times I fainted, or suddenly felt like the room was spinning. But I was in control. And it became normal. Not eating. Whenever someone offered me food, my immediate instinct was that I was being threatened and it was time to flee.

But of course, (even though I was never fat), no matter how thin I got, I still thought I was fat. I thought I was disgusting, and Unworthy. No one loved me. And I had no one to protect me. I wanted out! I began thinking if only I didnt have to live with my dad, that I could be safe and happy. I couldnt wait to turn 18. I couldnt wait to be out of his grip. I would turn 18 and he wouldnt own me anymore. I was so stupid.

Life became even harder when I began having PTSD episodes. Even when I was away from my dad, at school, I couldnt escape him. I began re- living times he hurt me. And his voice became my inner voice. All day I could hear him whispering, "your stupid, fat, lazy, worthless, I hate you, why dont you just go shoot yourself in the head with a gun?" Always in the same order, on a loop, repeating over and over again. I was in my own personal hell. Trapped. Miserable. Suicidal. Why couldnt I be like all of the other kids? I didnt understand why this was happening to me.

I was in highschool now. All of my middle school friends were seperated from me, and I began struggling in school. Highschool was much bigger, with alot of students that I didnt know. I began having severe anxiety and panic attacks. I spent alot of time in the schools councelors office either bawling, hyperventilating, or so shut down and disociated that I couldnt speak. I was trapped in my head, reliving trauma, and hearing my new inner voice(thanks dad): "your stupid, fat, lazy, worthless, I hate you, why dont you just go shoot yourself in the head with a gun?"

Most school days I left early. I couldnt handle being around so many people. Inside my world was falling apart. I felt so alone, so empty. I couldnt cope.

I was 15 when I began trying to get help. I packed a bag after one of my dads abusive raging throughout the house. He kept instilling fear into me, and kicking me out of the house (for no reason. It was a way for him to control me) He expected me to go somewhere and wait several hours until his anger had settled, then come back. If I didnt come back right when he decided he wanted me back he would threaten to call the police and report me as a runaway. AFTER HE KICKED ME OUT!!! So this time I fought back. I went to two different shelters. One was called Simonka Place. It was a shelter for women and children. I was there for a while, but I was still in the middle of a mental health crisis. I had a panic attack/ptsd episode/dissociative state and was sent to the hospital because staff was worried I may have overdosed on something. I tried to tell the doctors I had not taken anything, but I was a kid, and they didnt believe me. My hands and feet were in restraints and they forced a tube down my throat and into my stomache where they pumped me full of charcoal. They said if I took anything I would throw it up.

I didnt throw up. I didnt take anything!

When I got back to Simonka house they said I couldnt stay, because they werent equipt to handle my problems. I was upset and angry at the time, but looking back, they were right. I was a very messed up child who needed more help then they could provide.

The next day I went to the host program. It was a shelter for teenagers that provided family counseling.

I left the very next day. They said I had to eat breakfast, it was part of the program. That wasnt going to happen. Food was the one thing I had control of. So my fight or flight instincts kicked in and I ran. (In hindsight, looking back I can see where I was prob having manic episodes. I didnt find out until I was 21, but I have bipolar disorder, along with depression, anxiety, ptsd, and dissociation disorder)

I dont know how this post became my life story, but whoo! It feels good to get this shit out! Im going to end this now, but I definitely want to continue this.

[laurent-ofvere]

♥ Hii I'm back. Btw, this story is from another fandom i wanted it to share it with you. Maybe it makes you and a few others happy ♥

22 ♥ … Later, Damen learns that the kid hasn’t claimed anything, that most of the claims were made for him or followed him from his previous school, VT High School. He learns that the only reason people weren’t boring their eyes into his back on his first day back was because they were too busy boring it into the new kid’s with the skin issues on his sixth day.23 ♥“How was my favorite son’s first day back?” his mother greets him with a copious dinner, steak and veggies and side dishes that will last them for days. “It was very good,” Damen says, smiling. They eat their roasted vegetables, Damen does the dishes, then they both on the couch with Netflix. When she falls asleep, Damen carries his tiny mother to bed, pulls the covers, then apologizes for ruining her life and chasing his dad away, the same way he always does when she’s finally asleep.24 ♥ Damen goes to the pool before school today. He puts on his silicone swim cap and his speedos and dives head first. He does five laps of Breaststroke, three of Freestyle, and two of Butterfly. The latter is the toughest but he needs to work on his upper body, and it’s proving to be the most effective. By the time he’s finished, he is exhausted and happy. He lets himself float before the pool starts filling up with other people and spreads his limbs in a star shape25 ♥ He floats for a few minutes, closes his eyes, and breathes through his nose, doing his very best to ignore the smell of chlorine and chemicals. He dives into the water until he reaches the bottom then comes back up again. He plays around the pool like a child and lets water heal him how it knows so very well to. Water all over and around him.26 ♥ When he is in water, he is not surrounded by air. He is free from it, from him, from everything. Only in water is he completely free. Or fire, he thinks, then shakes his head. The only reason he started swimming in the first place was because his therapist recommended to establish or at least attempt a relationship with water as opposed to fire.27 ♥ And while he was skeptical at first, Damen ended up falling in love with it. The water. It kept his mind off of air and fire. Fire… Laurent… Damen doesn’t know why his mind flashes to the new kid and his skin condition, but it does.28 ♥ They don’t have many classes together despite both being third years. Damen is in creative arts and Laurent is in science, he learns. He sees him running from one class to another in the countless layers he bundles himself in. He sees him running from the library to the counselor’s office. He sees him running from the counselor’s office to the entrance of the school.29 ♥ Damen sees him running everywhere, suddenly hyper aware of his every movement. And his body almost tingles whenever Laurent walks past him in the hallways—although the boy never spares him a glance. It’s almost pathetic how he wishes the boy would spare him a glance.30 ♥ Damen isn’t sure why but he feels somehow connected to the new kid with the weird skin condition. He had once been the kid with the weird mental condition and weird mental breakdown after all. He had been the kid at the receiving end of ‘What if it’s just made up? What does bipolar even mean?’ and all of Arvid and his group of bullies’ torments.31 ♥ He notices that Laurent doesn’t have any friends, that he doesn’t speak to anyone and that nobody speaks to him. When he isn’t in classes, he’s usually in the library with a book, or somewhere Damen can’t see him.32 ♥ “What’s your obsession with this guy?” Lydos asks when they’re both smoking in the yard while Damen hurts his neck trying to catch a glimpse of Laurent doing his daily run from the building to the gates. “I’m not obsessed with him,” Damen scoffs, pulling his black ray bans down so that everyone could stop looking at where his eyes are wandering to. “Dude, no offense. I know you like underdogs and stuff, but that guy is not an underdog.”33 ♥ “What do you mean?”, “I heard he’s actually pretty horrible and mean.” Damen rolls his eyes. Has Lydos seen the kid? He looks absolutely harmless and adorable in his huge puffer jacket and his two thousand layers. He actually wore a beanie to school today, and Damen could almost see his eyes. He can’t believe he doesn’t know the color of his eyes yet. But it’s okay, because at least he got to see his flushed cheeks.34 ♥ “Seriously, he’s quite a bitch. Don’t go near him. I’m serious. He’s like those cute little dogs that bite you if you get too close,” says Lydos. “He’ll rip you a new one.”.. “Oh, wouldn’t that be nice,” Damen smiles. “Shut up! God!”.. Laurent is not horrible and mean. He’s as harmless as Damen imagines him to be. He’s worked on this script in his head the night before. He knows he can make it work. If this boy won’t meet his eyes, Damen would give him a reason to.35 ♥ So that Wednesday afternoon, Damen waits for it to hit 13:58 right outside of the library. He knows Laurent sees the counselor at 14:00 because Damen’s session is right before his. Only this time, Damen faked a bathroom emergency to let himself out early and camp outside the library. Laurent should be coming out any second now. It all works according to plan. Well, almost. The doors swing open and Laurent and his twenty-one layers nearly bump into him, nearly.36♥ It’s as though Laurent’s body is conditioned to feel another being’s presence and stop or change its route right on time. He’s like those self-driving cars that know exactly when to pull the breaks. Laurent, however, seems shaken from the near proximity, and his eyes—blue, so blue, a beautiful contrast to the red on his cheeks, so red—are wide and scared. He’s breathless and Damen almost feels bad. He feels terrible.37♥ Perhaps Laurent really made this whole thing up because he cannot stand to be touched. Perhaps Damen is making him uncomfortable by stripping him of his personal freedom and forcing him into a triggering situation. “Are you crazy?”, Damen has spent a few days imagining the first words Laurent would say to him, but these weren’t on the list. “A little bit actually. Yeah,” Damen smiles. “Forgive me if I—”..“Don’t do this again. Are you new or something? You can’t come near me.”38♥ Damen does see fear in the short moments they spend staring at each other. But it is not fear of being touched. It is not fear of holding one’s gaze. Laurent doesn’t look half as withdrawn as Damen pictured him to be. If anything, he is glowing with confidence and self-assuredness. He is glowing with it, but he is taming it. It’s being strangled by an all too consuming fear: the fear of hurting a being, not of being hurt.39♥ Laurent walks away after that and Damen is still buzzing from the warmth and the heat that just spread inside him. He’s smiling to himself as though he’s just been injected with a happiness serum, the same one people who do not suffer from depression believe exist. Being near this kid is similar to standing next to a fireplace in Christmas with a hot cup of chocolate milk, and Damen’s fingers are aching to touch, to hurt with it if it’s going to hurt.♥ hope this doesnt annoy you, byee youre not annoying me but tbh im way too lazy to keep copy and pasting every single one of these messages in order so if you wanna share this story and post it properly then i can check it out that way!

[jadeloveshenry]

the stages of grief

so I was doing a 1000 word thing for my English class and then I loved it so much I turned it into a  shawn fic that's more than 1000 words.i also apologize for any grammar stuff or if it doesnt make sense lol.  enjoy. 

Denial:

“This can’t be happening,” Sophie says as she tugs at her golden locks. “No...” She looks down at her phone with the text message still displayed on the screen: He’s gone. Salty tears stream down her face and she puts her head in her lap. “This can’t be happening.. He.. he can’t be gone,” she hiccups. “He’s still alive, they got it all wrong, you’re here,” Sophie cries. “You’re on your way to my house, and you’re bringing take out like you usually do.” She stops for a moment at the memory, letting go of her hair she stares blankly down at her bed not able to make sense of it all. “How…” She chucks her phone at the wall, and a shatter rings through the house. “NO!” falling down onto the bed, her sobs become louder, longer, and almost violent, jolting her body back and forth.

Sophie heard two knocks on the door and immediately smiled when she realized who it was on the other side of the door.  Walking to the door in her clad feet, she opened the door to reveal her adorable boyfriend, Shawn. He looked up from his phone in a rather quick manner and gave her the cheesiest smile. “I brought takeout,” Shawn replied while holding up the all to familiar Chinese takeout bag.  

“Omg, you are the BEST boyfriend ever!” Sophie squealed while grabbing the bag, “Now hurry up and get in here I’m missing Harry Potter right now.”

Shawn chuckled lightly and hugged her, “You’re so cute.”

Sophie buried her head into his chest so he doesn’t see the blush that had appeared on her cheeks. “What can I say, I like Harry Potter,” she mumbled.

“Alright, alright let's go, missy,” Shawn said picking Sophie up bridal style and rushing her into the living room.

“Let me go!” Sophie laughed.

Anger:

Sophie slowly walks into the bathroom and wipes at the tears with the sleeve of the sweatshirt that she was wearing. It was Shawn’s. Out of all the sweatshirts of his that she wore, she always gravitated towards the green one. She smiles at the thought then immediately frowns. Why should I sad? He’s the one who got himself killed. She looks up in the mirror to see a different person. Her hair is disheveled and she has mascara all over her rosy cheeks. She suddenly feels… angry. “Why would you do this to me?” Sophie questions, “Why would you leave me here alone?” She tugs at her locks for the hundredth time that night. Her breathing starts to get uneven. Tears start to roll down her face again. “Why..” she sobs with her face in her hands. She sinks down the wall of her bathroom. “How could you do this to me! You’re supposed to be here!” Sophie cries, “I hate you!” She stands up and put her hands on the counter. A bloodcurdling scream pours out of her as she shoves everything onto the floor. A crash echoes through her house, and she leans over the sink feeling as if her entire body’s fluids might just pour out. She goes to throw up but she can’t, she hasn’t eaten in a couple days.

Sophie typed rather quickly as she tried to get her research paper done. Papers were flown everywhere, and she looked like a mess. Her hair was halfway out of the bun, she had eye bags for days, and her very time consumed makeup was smudged. She had texted her boyfriend some time ago and specifically told him NOT to come over. She didn’t need one more distraction in her life. He came over anyway. He walked into the apartment, went over to her and closed her computer. “Hey!” Sophie exclaimed, “I was working on that!”

“Not anymore,” Shawn said, “You need to take a break.” “Speaking of...when was the last time you DID take a break?”

“I took a break last night when I went to bed last night, does that count?” Sophie questioned.

Shawn’s eye went wide, “Wait so you haven’t taken a break to eat ?”

“Well, I did have a granola bar earlier….”

“Nope doesn’t count.” Shawn said, “Alright come on I’m going to make you something.” “In the meantime go take a shower you stink.”

“HEY, I don’t smell!” Sophie laughed as she stuck her tongue at Shawn.

“Yes, you do now go.”

“I love you,” Sophie laughed.

“Oh honey, I love you more.”

Bargaining:

Sophie can barely contain herself in class. She wants to die. Sophie knows that she can’t though, he wouldn’t want it. Tears start to fill her eyes again as she walks down the hallway and immediately makes a turn and runs out of the school to her car. She gets inside the car and automatically tears start to fall down. ”I should’ve convinced him not to come over.” “I should’ve gotten in that car crash, not him.” “Please God just take me,” Sophie sobs “Please.”

Sophie's phone vibrates next to her as she’s watching her favorite movie, The Fault in Our Stars. She sees it’s Shawn and picks up the phone. “Hey what’s up?” she questions.

“I’m just about to leave to come to see you.”

“No don’t come the roads are terrible.”

“Too late I’m on my way.”

“No, go back home Shawn.”

“Too late honey.”

“I’ll just come to you.”

Alex laughed, “I see you in a few.”

She never did.

Depression:

Sophie has been in her room for days. She won’t come out, she doesn’t have the energy. She wants to move on with her life, but she feels too guilty. Why would she live her life when he isn’t? It was her fault that he got killed. Her sweet loving boyfriend got killed in a car crash because she couldn’t convince him to not come over. She couldn’t even make it to the hospital, what kind of girlfriend is she? A terrible one for sure. She will never forgive herself for this. She closes her eyes as thoughts start to swarm her head like bees. They start to take over her being. They repeat in her head over and over. You’re a terrible person, it’s your fault. You need to die.  “I’m sorry,” Sophia mutters, “I’m sorry I let you down. “I’m sorry I’m not a good enough person.” Her breathing starts to get uneven. “I’m sorry I was a terrible girlfriend,” Sophia cries. She sits up and looks around with wide eyes. She feels as if her chest is going to explode. Her breathing gets heavier, tears start to roll down her face. She collapses on the ground in defeat. Her hands go to her hair. “Please,” she heaves, “Make it stop.”

She got the text on a Saturday. His mom had texted it to her. She couldn’t make it to the hospital because she had to fly from her home in Colorado to Canada to see him. She had plenty of time but, of course, the flight got delayed. She rushed to try and get the next flight but there were weather issues. She had gone over and sat in one of the chairs in defeat. She had quickly pulled out her phone and texted Karen and told her that she’s sorry that she won’t be able to get there in time. She said that she understood and she was glad that she was safe inside with the weather conditions. Sophia quickly responded thankfully and put her phone back in her backpack. Then she waited.

After hours of waiting, and sleeping, the weather had cleared up, which made it able for Sophie to go her home. Shawn. Before she had gotten on the plane she had texted Karen and told her that she was able to go on her flight. When she had gotten on the plane she wasn’t able to sleep, so she stared out the window and hoped that her precious was okay.

When Sophia has gotten off the plane, she was rushing passed everyone to get to her uber, which to find out canceled on her. What luck. Sophie was starting to stress. Her braid was being tugged on as she tried to find another uber. She had to go see Shawn. She had gotten the uber and had made it all the way to her apartment when she received a text message. She had done a double take.

He’s gone it said.

Acceptance:

It had been months since the incident. Sophie was feeling better, almost happier. She wasn’t really back to the way she was, how can one be? She felt lonely and empty. There was still a pain in her chest, but that's what happens when you lose a loved one. She missed him, a lot. She wished most days that she could get one of his amazing hugs or cuddles. People look at her now with sorrow has Sophie walks towards the grave site, but, she doesn’t seem care. Right now it’s just her and Shawn. She walks with the bouquet like she wasn’t fazed. Sophie has fazed, though. She went through so much, and she’s healing. “I’m starting to change,” Sophie said, “But as you said, changing isn’t a bad thing, it never was.” “I hope it never does become a bad thing.” She starts to walk away. She turns, “Oh, and I love you.”

Shawn had driven Sophie to school the day she had finals.

“I’m no nervous I’m not going to be able to go through this.”

“You got this.”

“Can you just come with me?”

“I wished”, Shawn laughed, “but I can’t you have to go through that own your own.”

“Fine, I love you.”

“I love you too, honey.”

ALRIGHT this is the end idk how i feel about it i feel like it could be 1000  x better. I wanted to add like kissing in there and like other things but idk how I would do that. if someone wants to write on this topic please do because its going to be better than mine. lol  if you like it share it if you want lol HAVE AN AMAZING DAY WOOO (also alex was the original name so if you see alex it’s supposed to be shawn) ;)

[jiminsbootyhoe]

92 Truths Tag

i was mentioned by @tsujido thank you ily <3

rules: you must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people (i’m just gonna tag my fave mutuals at the end)

NAME: Isabella 

AGE: 16 

BIRTH DATE: June 3rd <3

THE LAST


1. drink: Jasmine Green Tea


2. phone call: Mum <3

3. text: Friend joyce trying to decide what bag to buy <3

4. song you listened to: PSY- “I LUV IT”

5. time you cried: Few days ago :’))((

6. dated someone twice: nope 

7. been cheated on: nope


8. kissed someone and regretted it: nope 


9. lost someone special: yes :’(

10. been depressed: yes 


11. gotten drunk and thrown up: nope


LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:


12. blue

13. purple

14: yellow

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… 


15. made new friends: yes, but the ones irl not sure if im willing to keep (suspiciously borderline toxic)

16. fallen out of love: yes ;((


17. laughed until you cried: yes yes :DDD

18. found out someone was talking about you: yes but oh wells I pretty much bet that it was her talking crap about me ;)))

19. met someone who changed you: yesss :’(((((((((((((((

20. found out who your true friends are: not anymore, confused :’)) (exception  tumblr friends ily guys <3)

21. kissed someone on your facebook list: yes


22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: 90%

23. do you have any pets: I used to have a pet hamster dwarf but we weren’t allowed to bring her into Australia when we moved here so we had to leave her behind :’((((((((((((

24. do you want to change your name: Yes my last names :’)))))))

25. what did you do for your last birthday: had a small private gathering with only close friends- ended up horrible :’))))))))) but all g im waiitng for this years one bc i know its gonna be great !!! :DD

26. what time did you wake up: 6 am - school XD 

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: thinking about life

28. name something you cannot wait for: 2 meet my true love <3333

29. when was the last time you saw your mother: 20 mins ago 

30. what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: small things 


31. what are you listening to right now: cute PSY songs ( i love his adorable faceu <333)

32. have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yes- primary school i think 

33. something that is getting on your nerves: EVERYTIME I HAVE FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE ONE OF MY SO CALLED FRIENDS suddenly tries to get in with him :’))))))))))) it doesnt work pls get UR OWN MAN 

34. most visited website: youtube (??)

35. elementary: I went to a few in Greece, one in China and one in Australia :’)))))))) i was going to go to one in Japan 2 as a child but my family ended up deciding not 2  (mad regrets tbh)

36. high School: Australian one been to  three so far and i now go to a private school in the city :)


37. college: haven’t gone yet but hoping to go to one in Sydney or overseas tbh

38. hair color: Light brown with Golden streaks naturally but because of chemicals to make my hair straight the color is more of a dark brown now  TT  ( i have got to stop doing the treatments tbh ;(((()

39. long or short hair:  medium- i cut my hair short recently so its growing back 


40. do you have a crush on someone: Yess


41. what do you like about yourself: My eyes ??( Im not sure lol )  oohh maybe my similarities to my mother <333

42. piercings: 3 lobe ones 2 on 1 side 1 on the other and one cartilage 


43. blood type: idk lol i dont remmeber 


44. nickname: loulou, bella, issie, ishy fishy (bc i was my school’s champion swimmer back in the day :’)))))))))

45. relationship status: single 

46. zodiac sign: Gemini


47. pronouns: she/her


48. favorite tv show: hmm i dont really watch much but 13 reasons why was pre good !!!

49. tattoos: nooope i dont think ill ever want one either 

50. right or left hand: right

FIRST… 


51. surgery: never (thank goodness)


52. piercing: ears

54. sport: Swimming- used to be champion but havent trained in ages- will start again soon !!!! <3

55. vacation: Amsterdam 

56. pair of trainers: Adidas Japan 

RIGHT NOW…


57. eating: i eat anything and everything lol 

58. drinking: Jasmine green tea

59. i’m about to: eat

61. waiting for:  love 

62. want: to be content and happy <3


FUTURE…

62. want kids?: yes ofc !!!! <3

63. get married: Yes OFC!!!!!! <33333

64. career: hmm something to do with fashion and hopefully internationally 

WHICH IS BETTER… 


65. hugs or kisses: both <33333

66. lips or eyes: eyes 

67. shorter or taller: if  its for a dude i would want to date id prefer taller 

68. older or younger: older 

69. romantic or spontaneous?: romantic 

70. nice arms or nice stomach: both (i love u no matter what <3)

71. sensitive or loud: not too loud so maybe sensitive 

72. hook up or relationship: relationship <3


73. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant 

HAVE YOU EVER…


74. kissed a stranger?: no

75. drank hard liquor?: yes


76. lost glasses contact/lenses?: nope


77. turned someone down?: yes

78. sex on first date?: nope

79. broken someone’s heart?: yes (im so sorry)

80. had your heart broken?: yes by my most trusted people (not parents)

81. been arrested?: nope


82. cried when someone died?: yes ofc 


83. fallen for a friend?: yes but in a platonic manner (?? does this make sense)

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… 


84. yourself?: yes !

85. miracles?: yes!!!!!


86. love at first sight?: yes!!

87. santa Claus?: hmm i believe that he is indeed a spirit but not in the commersialised manner anymore 

88. kiss on the first date?: yes !!!

89. angels?: yes!!!!!

OTHER…. 


90. current best friend’s name: hmm for irl one im really not that sure TT 

91. eye color: Dark Brown but changes colour under lighting and is often misstook for multiple different colours !

92. favourite movie: spirited away <3 

[evilauthorsclub]

I am soooo here for this GoshiYama thing??? Yamagata has a huge crush on this adorable overenergetic vball nerd, Goshiki thinks his senpai is just the coolest guy ever (second maybe only to Ushijima bc Ushi is the ace)... Imagine these two end up hanging out after school one day, just the two of them, both having a great time and smiling just a little too much... Their first date is a wreck of emotions... When they hold hands for the first time Yamagata is a mESS like you wouldn't believe (1/?)

Oh my God, I’m so here for this! Those two would be so airheaded and oblivious to each other’s feelings, their heads full of volleyball and their admiration for each other, homework completely forgotten as they spend their free time with dreaming about each other. Their thickheadedness would be on a level where only Waka would be more oblivious! AND YOUR HCs!!?!!!?! X__X

OKAY SO I HAD A LOT TO SAY AND ADD TO THIS, SO THE FOLLOWING PART WILL BE UNDER A CUT DUE TO LENGTH. I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY ABOUT THIS, CAUSE I TOTALLY WAS SUPPOSED TO STUDY FOR EXAMS TOMORROW BUT INSTEAD IM THINKING OVER SUFFERING SWANS, YELP!!!!

Imagine them during a practice: Gata praising Goshiki for a great spike that Gata didn’t manage to receive, promptly earning himself a beaming, blushing Goshiki, catapulting Gata close to a heartattack. Gata would be so charmed by Goshiki’s will, his fighting spirit that drives him forward without faltering, not stumbling even when he fails, always urging further forward, closer to his goal, the unwavering faith he has in their team! Gata sees the potential in him, knows that the other 3rd years see that as well, nobody doubting he won’t make it big, becoming an ace of equal quality!

Gosh, and imagine them at each others houses, playing Mario Cart and getting far too deep into it, almost destroying something, little siblings forbidden from entering because of their abundant use of swear words, Gata getting lectured by Semi afterwards because he taught Goshiki bad words! Imagine all their first times: their confessions, their first handholdings, their first kiss-! The thrumming of their hards, beating totally out of tact, Gata unable to comprehend how their little gold boy could like someone as ordinary as him, yet being aware that right now Goshiki thinks only of him, all his overwhelming energy concentrated on Gata; Goshiki stuck in a daze of disbelief as the coolest guy in history (aside from UshiWaka) is actually kISSING HIM!!!! And I have to agree, they would be so disgustingly cute! Always complementing and praising each other, blushing at the smallest things, Goshiki gushing for hours about his super cool and buff boyfriend, all his friends’re already so annoyed about it, but seeing him buzzing with excitement upon the pure thought of seeing Gata soon, glowing in happiness as he gushes, nobody can bring themselves to make him stop.

And then, the angst!! Gata had a bad day: he woke up late, had to eat while running to school, forgot his bento, not enough lunch money, forgot his homework upon his desk, his phone lost for the xth time (probably on his desk next to his homework he assumes, though he isnt sure), his teacher surprised them with an unannounced test he didn’t study for, trying to use their break time to quietly, quickly leave the school building to fetch his missing homework, he happens to run into their principal and then has to spend his lunch time with getting chewed out. he sighs when he leaves, having left 10 minutes before his next class, but instead of finding some calm and relaxation, he overhears some classmates gossiping about another libero from tokyo - an aspiring 2nd year, playing on the same team as Japan’s Nr.1 HS Ace Sakusa Kiyoomi. He hears them wondering why it seems that the best players are at Itachiyama, how even a no-name school like Karasuno got an awarded Libero in their ranks, but Shiratorizawa, who’Re supposed to be the unbeatable champions, seem to have only someone of middle class level? Gata bites back the sickness in his stomach and sinks into another class full of shame as he has to explain to his teacher why he couldn’t hand in their long beforehand announced homework. finally, finally classes are over, but when he enters the changing room, he realises that he forgot to change his sport clothes and has to wear his old, sweaty, stinky ones; Washijou is being furious with him for missing out on morning practice, orders him to run 3x as many rounds around the gym for warm up. he can’t even be upset about yet another punishment; just starts it unusually silent on his own. and then, when he can finally collapse onto the ground to get a quick breather in, thinking there’s no way this day can get any worse, there’s suddenly Goshiki over him. Talking way too fast for Gata to follow, excitement written all over his face and Gata, kneeling in his own sweat, close to dying, nausea in the back of his throat, can only wonder how this boy can have so much energy. Why is it that some people are bestowed with so  much luck and talent, while other’s are not? Why is it that some have to fight day for day for recognition, while others just get without even having to work up a sweat? Why is it that some people were born with talent in their crib but without a single hint of empathy? Why is it that this adorable, cute, strong, obstinate, stubbon, thickheaded, oblivious, clingy, talented, overwhelmingly, annoyingly energetic boyfriend of his not even tires out when he runs more than usually until a coach has to tell him to stop accompanying Gata on his punishment? Why is it that Goshiki can still smile like this when Gata feels worse than dirt; the least bit of trash his team needs? He breaks; everything just gets too much for him and he spits out whatever comes to his mind, just wanting to get rid of everything that’s bothering him, not realising the venom in his word as he spits out word after word. He doesnt realise everyone silently staring at him in shock. Not until a firm hand on his shoulders rips him out of his trance. Not enough to say that their coach is unhappy with him. He is banned for a week from practice, enough time to cool his head they tell him, but all Gata really remembers of that moment is the hurt in Goshiki’s eyes, the tears in his eyes, the confusion… It takes 3 days and Semi’s strict, motherly voice of reason to make Gata go to Goshiki and appologise. Goshiki is upset with him, he has all right, but Gata didn’t expect him to be so open about everything, about his memorisation of every single venomous word Gata spit at him that day, didn’t expect the words Goshiki returns to him to hurt so much, enough to split his  heart in two. Being hit by the full might of his words, Gata finds himself on his knees, in tears, apologisng in helpless desperation for everything he did and said, begging for forgiveness.

Goshiki learns that day that his boyfriend isn’t a super cool and always easy-going, chill superhuman. And Gata learned that also in deepest darkness there can be found a light to guide you. You just have to be willed to actually let go of he dark.

It takes time, and it’s not always a carefree or happy time, but they learnt from mistakes, still learn, adapt to changes in character and setting, in schedule and to new friends. Goshiki’s injury is their yet greatest opponent, but Gata doesn’t give up on him. As many ugly words Goshiki throws at him, as often as he might throw stuff at him, as often as Gata looses his patience with him, Gata never gives up on him. He always remembers what happened back then, how glad he was when Goshiki forgave him, how bad he felt that day, how bad he felt abput hurting Goshikis feelings, and he swears to himself that, however hurtful Goshiki might act towards him, Gata will never make him experience the pain of realisation after having hurt a loved one in blind fury. He knows it might be a useless oath since Goshiki isnt stupid. Once he gets over his injury, once he gets a new outlet for his energy and with it the time to think and feel more than frustrated rage, he’ll realise what he’s done. But despite that, Gata doesn’t intend to let go of Goshiki nor his oath even if he can’t protect his boyfriend from pain or selfhate, he can still stand by his side, shouldering the heavy weight along with him, catching him when he stumbles, not letting him go, even if he has to injure himself for it.

And they make it! Their way back to happiness and sunshine isn’t easy, but they make it. Just as expected, Goshiki wanders close to depression and self-hate, awake at night and wondering how Gata could still stand to be by his side when he was so awful to him? And Gata answers his unspoken question: he proposes to Goshiki, asking him to spend the rest of their lives together; be it in warm sunlight or in cold darkness. Goshiki responds in the only way he can. With tears, smiles and as much skinship as possible. The excitement follows later, when the realisation sets in that ‘no, this wasn’t a drem. this is reality!’

None of them might be famous or super popular now, none of them playing on the national team as starting member as they had always dreamed of as teenagers, but they’re still there, still standing, together, facing all challenges together.

Their next challenge doesn’t wait too for them. But this time it’s a challenge they chose for themselves: Children. None of them are perfect. Often left alone on their own without any idea of what to do, what is right and what is wrong, they make mistakes. but it’s okay. Because they’re only human. Humans aren’t perfect. They make mistakes, they suffer. But when they don’t give up and pull through they’ll also get the chance to learn that some things are worth suffering for.

[subiechick042]

Where did I go?

February 2, 2017. 2:44 AM— where did I go?

      I don’t tend to believe that I will ever be good enough for anyone, as do most people. But honestly, it starting to become toxic again. I don’t know how exactly to describe it. All I really know is that I hate myself and everything I have let myself become. I lost my determination, I lost that fire everyone used to say I always had blazing in my eyes. You know how I know I lost it? Because along with it I lost everyone who kept that fire burning. I lost the ability to endlessly create myself. I lost my friends, some of my family, and most importantly I lost myself. I now try to make my entire life about accomplishing one goddamn thing… finding who I once was.

      Truth is, that is nearly impossible.

      That girl I once was, the girl who cared for everyone, always found the positive side of things, and didn’t spend half her time wondering how in the hell she is still alive… that girl is gone. Who I am now is sadly who I apparently am meant to be. And do you know what sucks the most? I try so hard to get better and to feel happy and wide eyed again. I try so goddamn hard to be good enough and to do things that will make me more attractive so that I don’t have so many issues with myself. The sad truth is, the depression always catches up to me. It always starts eating at me, whenever things get good theres that pesky depression eating at me in the pith of my soul. I don’t know how to make it stop, how do I make the pain go away? Pills don’t work, ruining the surface of my skin with the tip of a sharp blade doesn’t help, so what the fuck do I do?

      It’s quite sickening actually.

      The more I think.

      The more I breathe.

      The deeper my hate for myself grows.

      Not too long ago I had it all figured out, I was going to go off to college and become a musician and travel the country with whomever the love of my life may be.

      Now… I’m just a college drop out who is aimlessly chasing something that doesn’t exist. Moving 17 hours away from my home in hopes that I can find more ways to create myself again. In hopes that maybe, just maybe I can find a way to reignite that fire again.

      Am I crazy? I mean… I know I am. But, is it the bad kind of crazy? The kind that should be contained? Or, is it the kind that should be set out for adventure so I can find that girl I’ve been looking for for the past 3 years?

      To make matters even worse, I think love does exist. The fact that I, Alyssa Whelan, am saying that I think love exists, that in itself is absolute insanity. LOVE DOESNT EXIST, Only lust, and that’s what I have to keep telling myself. However, when there is someone that you would do absolutely anything in the world for just to see them smile, when there is someone that you feel so comfortable around it’s almost horrifying, when there is someone you actually trust with your heart and continuously pray and beg to whatever being is above that they won’t break you the way you’ve been broken before, it’s really fucking hard to believe that love is just a concept. But that’s what I’ve always told myself, love is a concept. It’s not a feeling, it is not real. It is something people make up as an excuse to fuck.

      I’m terrified, because I think I am slowly being proven wrong. Love isn’t just a concept. It’s real. It’s deep. And it’s fucking horrifying.

      I’m already a scared person. I’m already scared of being alone, terrified actually. Also, I’m terrified of not being good enough. Which quite honestly, for this particular human I don’t think I ever will be. But I don’t care that much, I don’t want to lose him. I am so scared for him to walk out of my life and me be broken yet again because I am so goddamn sick and tired of becoming close to people and then them just leaving. As I was saying, I don’t care if he loves me or if he ever even wants to be with me (which I doubt he will, I mean hell look at me. I’m 7 years younger, immature, naive, and just all around not good enough) I just want him to be happy and get everything in this world that he deserves. That freaks me out because I have never been able to say that about someone. I’ve cared for people before, but not like this.

      I’ve never cared so much that it’s made me selfless when it comes to his happiness.

      It’s scary.

      It makes it hard to breathe.

      It makes it really difficult to sleep.

      It makes it extremely tough to think straight.

      It’s blinding. I think that’s why I am so scared to move 17 hours away,.. What if we get out there and he meets someone better than me? Someone who isn’t so broken and confused. Someone who can push him to be the best he can possibly be because she knows, just as I do, how damn amazing he really is. And what if that heart break for me stops me from finding myself?

      The one thing I want to accomplish, finding myself, suddenly made impossible because I was broken once again but this time… I can just tell if it happens it’ll be so much worse than others have been in the past.

      Dear lord this ones going to hurt so much worse than anything else has.

      Why am I so caught up in someone that’s not mine? In something that doesn’t even exist? And more importantly, why am I ranting and typing sentences and paragraphs that don’t even make sense?

      Well, I don’t know how to talk about things that bother me. That’s why I type sentences and paragraphs that don’t even fit together or make any damn sense at all.

      THAT’S MY FUCKING BRAIN.

      Everything is scrambled, I have 10 million different thoughts bouncing around in my head at once and they don’t stop. I feel like I am about to explode. It’s overwhelming, It’s impossible. It makes me want to scream. Hell sometimes it even makes me want to die,

      Why can I not talk? Why do I have to bottle everything up? Why am I so stupid and immature? WHY? Just why… I am constantly asking myself why.

      I am so sick and tired of being sad. I miss being happy, I don’t even remember what happy felt like, But all I know is that if we were meant to be sad it wouldn’t feel so bad… so why have I been sad for so long.

      Why did depression, anxiety, potential bipolar, and PTSD have to come into my life and take my spark away? I was so determined, I was so ambitious, I was so sure of myself. What am I now?

      Nothing.

      I can’t think straight, but what sucks the most is that I hate asking for help. I want to figure everything out on my own.

      But this time I’m in way over my head. This is my cry… this is my cry for help.

      I’m losing control of myself.

      I’m in agony.

      I just want to find myself.

      Someone…

          ANYONE…

                Please…

                     I’m begging…

                             PELASE…

      HELP ME.

      I don’t want to fight this battle alone anymore. I can’t fight this battle alone anymore,

[jess-oh]

Reflection

It is currently 1:13am and I know that I should just go to sleep and last year, I totally would have but I have some things that I want to get done first. I wasn’t originally going to write one of these today but I do think that it’s important that I start to process everything that’s happened over the past few days.

Robbin’s death hit me really hard. Especially knowing that they pulled the plug on his life. No one saw it coming. He just suddenly had a seizure, a heart attack, and died. And not one person thought this could ever happen. Sometimes I forget that it happened bc it just seems so crazy that it actually happened. But this is real. And now he’s gone. But it was really nice talking to Loren today bc she told me that he actually ended up dying naturally. His heart just stopped beating around 6am on Saturday morning. And that actually made me feel extremely relieved. I’m happy that he got to go in his own time. When I first heard that they were going to pull the plug and donate his organs, I was so heartbroken. Because that last fleeting bit of hope that I had was just snatched away from me so quickly. They were going to get rid of that chance of survival. So the fact that he got to leave in his own time was really encouraging for me. But I didn’t want him to die in vain. This morning, I was still a little depressed but managed to roll out of bed and get ready for the day. I was sad that Dana didn’t come today but it’s almost better that she did. Because I don’t know if I’m ready to tell Dana about Robbin yet. Oh, I did take the chance to talk to Angela yesterday though and she was surprisingly attentive and I can tell that she really does have a heart for the ministry and I am really glad. I thought about confessing to her my fears towards her before but I decided against. Maybe sometime in the future. But it wasn’t the right moment. Anyway, I felt like a soldier today. Moreso on my way home. But I did. This morning, we got into the van like any other day and it was fine. And I really tried to lift my hands to Jesus and just praise Him and really not care about what anyone else did or saw. I just wanted to pour out my heart because I needed to and I didn’t really care what anyone else thought. And honestly, I was a bit distracted and couldn’t fully focus during service but post service was great! I excitedly got awesome food, joined Daniel to whom I don’t usually talk to but I definitely want to invest into him this year and make sure he’s okay. I’m pretty sure he’s a victim of peer pressure and drinking at school and I want to drill into his head that I’m here for him and he shouldn’t feel so alone and ashamed over it. I am here for him. Ready to listen. And I understand his struggle. I actually thought about speaking up about how I struggled with alcohol at the beginning of the school year when P. Josh brought it up today but there wasn’t really time to respond. I don’t think he wanted a response either. But I do want Daniel to know that I am here for him. I’m trying really hard to invest into people this year. Not just because of the resolve that I made at winter retreat but mostly because of Robbin. He passed away and I don’t know if he ever accepted Christ into his life and I don’t want to make that same mistake again. I want to make sure that all the people in my life that I love and care about know who He is bc that’s the greatest gift of all. And I’m sure I’m going to lose some friends along the way which I’m actually really afraid of but I can start with making that culture shift at Lakeview. But yeah, back to lunch. We were eating and I really wanted to invest and dedicate my attention to the people I was sitting next to. People that I didn’t usually talk to. I asked Amanda about her mission trip and we shared our joy for the field together. I encouraged Claire to come to the lock-in. I asked Daniel how his week was. I invited more people to join us. It was really nice. And during college hour today, we did a Bible study and I was separated from Claire and instead talked to Johnny and his friend Albert. Which was good bc I actually wanted to talk to Johnny more anyway. But after we finished discussing the Word, I asked him about whether or not he would come to the lock-in and man, I really wish I just prayed in that moment when I wanted to but I didn’t. I just said that I would pray for him and I will. But I asked him about why he didn’t want to go to the lock-in and what’s been going on in his life recently and I think he’s entering a dry season and I just really encouraged him to come—and not for his friends but so that he could really take the time to rekindle his relationship with God. He doesn’t need to get straight with God before coming to the lock-in. God wants him to come as he is and I don’t know what’s weighing down his heart and I don’t think he knows either but I do pray that he would just be able to confess and give it up to the Lord and let him take care of it. And I really genuinely meant what I said. And I asked if we could hangout sometime in the future and he suggested spring break so we’re aiming for that rn. I’m hoping we can hangout sooner like before the lock-in but regardless, I want to grow deeper in my relationship with him. Eunice and Jason too. Eunice ended up coming to church today and I’ve been playing dumb and I feel so bad about it. I know that she doesn’t want to come out to Movement bc most everyone knows about what happened and I’m just doing my best to reach out to her and meet with her one-on-one. I know that she doesn’t want to tell me bc she feels a lot of shame. I don’t know exactly what she’s going through or why she went to such far lengths to pretend to be a student at Northwestern since last semester. I don’t know. Maybe she needed to leave home bc she found herself in a toxic situation. And for a long time I just saw her as one of the “popular people” at Sa-Rang but it’s not that at all. Now I actually see her as human and for who she is. And I can’t even imagine the pain that she’s currently enduring through or the shame that she must feel. The fact that she’s still coming out to Lakeview at all is amazing in itself. And I feel terrible. And I want nothing more than to be there for her and allow her to open herself up to me and confess everything that she’s done over the past year in her own time. I don’t want to force her too and I don’t want her to feel any worse than she already does bc word spread and I know now too. Because I am not judging her for it. Not at all. In fact, I just want to be there for her and love upon her and show her what true unconditional love and compassion looks like. And more than anything, i want her to confront these things and confess and repent to the Lord. And get closure. And that’s why I think it’s so important for her to come to the lock-in. I just really want to pour my heart out onto her and let her know just how much God truly loves her for who she is and doesn’t care about all her mistakes and sin. He loves her just as she is. And He wants nothing more than for her to just come back home. But I’m also trying to meet up with Jason and I pushed it again today and now we’re meeting sooner, which is gr9!!!! We’re actually meeting the day before I get paid so I am a bit worried about money but hopefully it’ll be okay. Or I’ll just get something really small. But I remember Jason said that he’s depressed too so he gets what I’m going through and at first, I was eager to deny my depression and was almost offended that he called me depressed. But I was. And I still am. And it sucks. And I’m hoping that we can share life together and help build each other up when we get to meet up. 

And finally, I really want to fly in for Robbin’s funeral out of respect and not obligation and just to be with family and mourn together. But there’s really no good time to do it. If we do it this week, I’ll miss my membership service on Sunday. If we do it next week, I’ll miss Movement’s lock-in and won’t be able to really love and pray for my fellow brothers and sisters. If it was the week after that, that’d be ideal but it seems pretty unlikely to do it so far into the future. Sigh. One way or the other, I have to make a sacrifice. I do think I would rather miss the membership service because there’s always next time than to miss the opportunity of really loving upon Eunice, Jason, Johnny, Daniel, Dana, Angela, and so many more people. 

and real quick before I head out for the night, yesterday, Saturday, I had a one-on-one with Pastor Josh and he was surprisingly understanding. And I told him about my depression and my cousin passing away and everything and even my asperger’s which i almost never ever ever mention bc i’m pretty ashamed of it. but i did. and he understood and just wanted to encourage me. and i was a little bit triggered when he mentioned how when he offers to pay for food, that’s him genuinely wanting to pay and i was yelled of embarrassment. but it is interesting. for angela, she doesnt like to accept money bc of pride. for me, i feel like a burden. and that’s just something we both need to work on. it would have been so much cheaper for me and easier on my bank account if i just let pastor josh treat but i refused. but i am really glad that we got to talk and spend some time together. i was actually getting a bit scared that we wouldn’t be able to meet.

[2amwarrior]

Confession:

I joined the 5 days prayer and fasting not because i wanted something from God.

I joined because i wanna loose some weight. Ive become fat drastically last year because of stress. None of my clothea fit on me anymore and i hate looking at myself in the mirror.

I know, fasting without prayer is just diet. I prayed but i dont have those prayer goals for 2018. Its not that ive got all i wanted or needed. Its just, i lost all my hopes that one day everything will get better. I dont even know what i wanted for this year. Because seriously, i cant just write,"I wanna die before 2018 ends."

Prayer and fasting year 2013,was just so different. There are lots of things i wanna accomplish, graduate with flying colors and get a job ive always wanted. God gave it all last 2013. Ive been one of the Magna Cum Laude, ive even delivered the valedictory speech. Ive got my first job, not the job i aimed for. But i asked God again and he catapulted me to the position ive always wanted to be in a matter of 2 months. He's always been good to me. Until now, i didnt believe that those things happened but it did.

2014 comes and its a very different scenario. Ive had the best job ever. Ive been making money more than i needed. But my relationship with the people around me began to crumble. I met this guy who was 20 yrs older than me and had a daughter but was separated from his former lived in partner. He asked me if i could be his girlfriend. I was a "perfect" kid for my parents and they were very strict. I wanted my parents to participate with evvery decision i make so i asked for their opinion, and theyve gone ballistic. They almost put a tracking device on me just to make sure he (the guy) wouldnt take me anywhere and done anything to me.( which was ridicilous by the way. He wasnt that kind of guy). It was a disaster. There was one night when everything escalated to the point where my mom just lost it. It was the lowest point in my life, i cant even eat or sleep. That was the time my depression and anxiety got "real".

That was the time that im really planning to take my own life. But the my dad becomes sick because of worrying about me. Then i realized that i couldnt keep on rebelling. My parents would suffer. I told the guy to wait at least 2 years and he was fine with it. He told me to let it settle first. I agreed.

I welcomed 2015 with a very hopeful heart. My prayer goals would be acceptance from my parents, and a baby brother (dont ask me about this one. I really wanted a kid in this house)

And then, the unexpected happened, me and me supervisor got petitioned for the things we never ever did. Our friends who known us for ages suddenly turn their backs on us and accused us of something that we didnt even do. Few of our friends remained faithful. This was the time that i lost my trust on people, i saw how people can be so cruel. I was left broken. This was the year i fought for justice but i was thrown back to the ground and i learned how to really deal with people with bad intentions. I learned to play the game. I stopped making friends. And if im not mistaken, this was the yr i got separated from my friends because the guy i was talking abour earlier and my frienda doesnt get along well. Theyre blaming him for my change of attitude but in reality i choose to change my attitude towards the people around me so i could save myself from breaking again.

2016 comes without so much happening except i learn to be alone now. I choose to try to work to the other company and have a new environment. Relationship status: supposedly the guy would be asking me again for my answer. But he never did. I really lost hope this year.

And 2017, all my hopes were now gone. We were kicked out of the company where we spent almost everyday for the last 4 years. It was like 2015 again. Betrayals and conflicts.

Now 2018.

Pastors always tell during preaching that we should continue to hope that God would do what he promised to us. To never give up hoping and having faith. That the best is yet to come and breakthroughs will be here and there. Yes, dont get me wrong, i believe God can do the impossible things. I saw it myself.

But i was just tired of hoping every year that better things were to come. From what ive experience from 2014 to 2017, my vision of the future becomes blurrier and darker.

All i wanted to do is die. I lost all my will to fight and to live. I feel trapped. I feel lost. Im numb. People still hurt me now but i got used to it. If i got 1 goal for 2018,

"Im so sorry Lord, but i wanna die. "

😔😔