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Guess it’s time to use my blog for something other than ranting.

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I finally feel happy.

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pt. 2

that night that i decided that life just wasn’t for me, i decided i was going to say never mind, go home, and i was just going to end it. i wanted to end the pain, end the suffering, i already felt dead inside unless i was working on my car... so why stay? i couldn’t spend my whole life under my car. it was better just to end it. but, i went and met up with him anyways. 

i got to krispy kreme and got out of my car, said hi to hunter, met his friends, and then it happened. my eyes locked with one guy in particular. from the second i saw him i knew, i knew i wanted to know him... then she walked up, and it was like a movie, the girlfriend walks up and i realize i never have a chance. 

i was upset, but not that upset because i didnt even know him. a few nights later we all went and cruised around town and he showed up. we all went up to thorntons and talked for a bit and he had to be home at 1:30 so he started to leave and i finally got the guts to say something to him.. he pulled up next to my car and told me i could snapchat him if i wanted to, lol. lame, i know. but, it made me smile. i looked at my friend seth and asked if this guy had a girlfriend and he said no, i later found out the girl was his ex... they were maybe going to get back together but, that’s a story i dont care to get in to. 

i snap chatted him, we talked, he apologized for his friend not leaving me alone and somehow it turned into a conversation that led me to say if he ever needed someone to talk to or anything i was there for him. him saying the same back to me put a little joy in my heart, man... that was a strange feeling. 

we proceeded to text and everything, i didn’t really think he was interested in me, but apparently i was wrong. 

later on this guy jared was driving and hit a pot hole and his wheel fell off... well, i stayed with him all day to do the best i could to help him fix it, and the guy i had been wanting to know so badly joined us. we were up all night, and all day, he drove my car for the first time and i cant get that cute ass smile that was on his face every time he heard to spool and the BOV out of my mind. 

that was the day i got to know him, kind of. so we hung out, all of us. all day, and at night we went cruising only me and him went in my car. 

we kind of lost everyone, but on purpose. we drove around, and i asked him why he kept smiling every time he looked at me and finally he pulled over and i begged him to tell me. he only really said he was afraid i wouldnt react the way he was wanting me to.

instead of telling me he said “hold on” and grabbed my face and kissed me.

then told me i was beautiful.

ever since that night, ending my life hasnt really popped into my mind.

ever since that night, i’ve felt alive...

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does fate really exist? Pt. 1

I’m here to vent, rant about my life without anyone finding it or anyone knowing. And usually I rant about heartbreak and loss. But you see, something different has happened to me recently...

In September 2017 I decided I no longer wanted to live with the way I was feeling. However, I also decided before I left this earth I was going to accomplish some of the life long dreams I had.. like buying the car I always wanted. (Seems materialistic however, I’m a car enthusiast... cars are my passion as I will explain later). I got the car, I got it and that was the start of my revival. I immediately wanted to start building it, but see that interferes with my plan of me leaving this place. This earth that felt like a fucking prison. What was I gonna do? I waited for a sign, and in the time till that sign came I just studied.

I studied that car inside and out. I made a parts list. I did math trying to figure out how I could build it from 350whp to 600whp without going completely broke. I started growing a passion for something... passion is a feeling i haven’t felt in years so at first I was scared. I threw myself into a panic attack. Was this a sign? A sign I have a purpose on earth? A sign that maybe, just maybe happiness is possible for me?

All these years of sadness, and I find a little ray of happiness researching cars... I always liked them but never spent so much time on them.

I decided to go out, meet my friend hunter at a car meet, maybe try to not feel so fucking alone for once. Little did I know that night I’d meet the one person who’d change my life forever. That was my sign, my sign that I don’t belong here. I don’t belong on this earth. It was time to go. At least i thought...

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Where did I go?

February 2, 2017. 2:44 AM— where did I go?

      I don’t tend to believe that I will ever be good enough for anyone, as do most people. But honestly, it starting to become toxic again. I don’t know how exactly to describe it. All I really know is that I hate myself and everything I have let myself become. I lost my determination, I lost that fire everyone used to say I always had blazing in my eyes. You know how I know I lost it? Because along with it I lost everyone who kept that fire burning. I lost the ability to endlessly create myself. I lost my friends, some of my family, and most importantly I lost myself. I now try to make my entire life about accomplishing one goddamn thing… finding who I once was.

      Truth is, that is nearly impossible.

      That girl I once was, the girl who cared for everyone, always found the positive side of things, and didn’t spend half her time wondering how in the hell she is still alive… that girl is gone. Who I am now is sadly who I apparently am meant to be. And do you know what sucks the most? I try so hard to get better and to feel happy and wide eyed again. I try so goddamn hard to be good enough and to do things that will make me more attractive so that I don’t have so many issues with myself. The sad truth is, the depression always catches up to me. It always starts eating at me, whenever things get good theres that pesky depression eating at me in the pith of my soul. I don’t know how to make it stop, how do I make the pain go away? Pills don’t work, ruining the surface of my skin with the tip of a sharp blade doesn’t help, so what the fuck do I do?

      It’s quite sickening actually.

      The more I think.

      The more I breathe.

      The deeper my hate for myself grows.

      Not too long ago I had it all figured out, I was going to go off to college and become a musician and travel the country with whomever the love of my life may be.

      Now… I’m just a college drop out who is aimlessly chasing something that doesn’t exist. Moving 17 hours away from my home in hopes that I can find more ways to create myself again. In hopes that maybe, just maybe I can find a way to reignite that fire again.

      Am I crazy? I mean… I know I am. But, is it the bad kind of crazy? The kind that should be contained? Or, is it the kind that should be set out for adventure so I can find that girl I’ve been looking for for the past 3 years?

      To make matters even worse, I think love does exist. The fact that I, Alyssa Whelan, am saying that I think love exists, that in itself is absolute insanity. LOVE DOESNT EXIST, Only lust, and that’s what I have to keep telling myself. However, when there is someone that you would do absolutely anything in the world for just to see them smile, when there is someone that you feel so comfortable around it’s almost horrifying, when there is someone you actually trust with your heart and continuously pray and beg to whatever being is above that they won’t break you the way you’ve been broken before, it’s really fucking hard to believe that love is just a concept. But that’s what I’ve always told myself, love is a concept. It’s not a feeling, it is not real. It is something people make up as an excuse to fuck.

      I’m terrified, because I think I am slowly being proven wrong. Love isn’t just a concept. It’s real. It’s deep. And it’s fucking horrifying.

      I’m already a scared person. I’m already scared of being alone, terrified actually. Also, I’m terrified of not being good enough. Which quite honestly, for this particular human I don’t think I ever will be. But I don’t care that much, I don’t want to lose him. I am so scared for him to walk out of my life and me be broken yet again because I am so goddamn sick and tired of becoming close to people and then them just leaving. As I was saying, I don’t care if he loves me or if he ever even wants to be with me (which I doubt he will, I mean hell look at me. I’m 7 years younger, immature, naive, and just all around not good enough) I just want him to be happy and get everything in this world that he deserves. That freaks me out because I have never been able to say that about someone. I’ve cared for people before, but not like this.

      I’ve never cared so much that it’s made me selfless when it comes to his happiness.

      It’s scary.

      It makes it hard to breathe.

      It makes it really difficult to sleep.

      It makes it extremely tough to think straight.

      It’s blinding. I think that’s why I am so scared to move 17 hours away,.. What if we get out there and he meets someone better than me? Someone who isn’t so broken and confused. Someone who can push him to be the best he can possibly be because she knows, just as I do, how damn amazing he really is. And what if that heart break for me stops me from finding myself?

      The one thing I want to accomplish, finding myself, suddenly made impossible because I was broken once again but this time… I can just tell if it happens it’ll be so much worse than others have been in the past.

      Dear lord this ones going to hurt so much worse than anything else has.

      Why am I so caught up in someone that’s not mine? In something that doesn’t even exist? And more importantly, why am I ranting and typing sentences and paragraphs that don’t even make sense?

      Well, I don’t know how to talk about things that bother me. That’s why I type sentences and paragraphs that don’t even fit together or make any damn sense at all.

      THAT’S MY FUCKING BRAIN.

      Everything is scrambled, I have 10 million different thoughts bouncing around in my head at once and they don’t stop. I feel like I am about to explode. It’s overwhelming, It’s impossible. It makes me want to scream. Hell sometimes it even makes me want to die,

      Why can I not talk? Why do I have to bottle everything up? Why am I so stupid and immature? WHY? Just why… I am constantly asking myself why.

      I am so sick and tired of being sad. I miss being happy, I don’t even remember what happy felt like, But all I know is that if we were meant to be sad it wouldn’t feel so bad… so why have I been sad for so long.

      Why did depression, anxiety, potential bipolar, and PTSD have to come into my life and take my spark away? I was so determined, I was so ambitious, I was so sure of myself. What am I now?

      Nothing.

      I can’t think straight, but what sucks the most is that I hate asking for help. I want to figure everything out on my own.

      But this time I’m in way over my head. This is my cry… this is my cry for help.

      I’m losing control of myself.

      I’m in agony.

      I just want to find myself.

      Someone…

          ANYONE…

                Please…

                     I’m begging…

                             PELASE…

      HELP ME.

      I don’t want to fight this battle alone anymore. I can’t fight this battle alone anymore,

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Emptiness

Have you ever felt an empty pit in your stomach? When you're worried about something you know you shouldn't stress over or better yet don't have the right to stress over? I can feel the anxiety taking me over. Slowly swallowing me whole. I don't know what to do, where to go, who to turn to. I don't want people to know about my life but I want to get everything out that's bothering me at the same time. I've been so quiet today. Haven't had anything to say. Because he's ignoring me? I shouldn't be worried it's not like we're together.. maybe he finally realized he can't deal with someone so much younger, or maybe I was too overbearing, or maybe I was too annoying or said something stupid. I don't know what I did. Maybe he started hanging out with a girl more his age. One he can go have drinks with. I mean hell, he's almost 25 and I'm only 18. But, I started to get used to him even though I haven't known him long? I don't know why this is happening or stressing me out. He was right, I'm naive. In my mind, I'm a simpleton. I'm foolish. But it was so nice having someone I got along with so well... I feel sad being ignored and not knowing why, but I guess I just need to learn to not worry about it. Just, had to get it out where I know no one would see. Can't have people knowing too much about my life now.

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It started to hurt again and I'm not sure where to put my hands this time. I wish I could explain how there's this heaviness inside that's trying to make a home out of my bones, but I have no idea how to stop the shaking anymore. I used to be braver than this, but I haven't been myself in months. Until summer. But myself scares me, because I scare others. And honestly, I don't want to be scared anymore. But I can't shake this feeling, it won't budge.

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I'll never forget the way I love you. More importantly, I'll never forget the way you loved me too. Im sorry. Im a screw up. I just hope your absence isn't permanent.

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I can't imagine the day I don't love you anymore.

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"I just don't love you.."