#i just have had this post in drafts for 2 weeks and i'm sick of looking at it.

[elitisim]

BACKTRACK - CHECKERED HEART JEANS

All credits goes to @backtrack-cc! Original here

Bottom for For YA-A Females

Categories: Everyday, Formal, Career, Outerwear

HIGH POLY : 9.1k

Fully Recolorable - 4 Channels

6 Semi-Recolorable Swatches

Custom Thumbnail

Enabled for Maternity, Disabled for Random

Mild Clipping with Bulky/Platform Shoes

Swatches + Color Channel Breakdown Included in under the cut

Converted by @elitisim

TAGGING: @pis3update, @xto3conversionsfinds, @kpccfinds, @sssvitlanz

[DOWNLOAD]

Preset 1: Fully Recolorable

Channel 1: Jeans Color

Channel 2: Jean Highlight

Channel 3: Heart Patch

Channel 4:Heart Patch Outline

**there's also an overlay over the button that makes it silver but i'm too lazy to reshoot the pictures.

Preset 2-7 : Non-Recolorable Jeans w/ Recolorable Heart Patches

Channel 1: Heart Patch

Channel 2: Heart Patch Outline

[imwritesometimes]

me: this is too much exposition. you should not directly tell all the time. let dialogue and tone/body language descriptions do some of the work

also me: this isn't exposition it's literally the second paragraph of chapter one you're setting up the plot you gotta drop a little exposition

also also me:

[ninjadudettekira]

Hey so I think everyone needs a reminder on how to interact with people:

It's fine to "spam like" a person if you're just going through their stuff during the day you find said creator. If they're a popular tumblr user I doubt they'll notice if you spam their notifications after the fact cause they probably have them off anyway.

However, I am not a big tumblr user, I keep my notifications on and check here when I see them so I tend to notice the same person spamming me. This is about those of us that check notifications cause we be small and want to see the interactions.

If you're going through someones posts and you're constantly on their notifications for 11 days straight because you keep unliking and reliking their content, that's fucking creepy.

I don't mind the spam likes if it's literally just one maybe two days of someone seeing my content and liking it. (Especially the Ben 10 or Young Justice posts).

But like 11 days? That's too fucking much for me to see you in my notifications when I haven't posted much, if anything, during that time frame. Especially when it's been stuff that was already liked prior. I don't have enough Ben 10 posts that you haven't seen in one or two goddamn days. You don't need 11 days to stifle through all my Ben 10 content.

Like constantly spamming my notifications won't get me to answer your long ass ask faster, in fact it made me put it off even longer. Originally it was cause it was so long I needed to answer on my laptop so I could read it as I responded. But I also kept getting busy and forgetting to respond. So I'll take responsibility for not answering it, doesn't mean it's okay to spam like my shit for almost 2 weeks because I didn't answer you.

In fact said person even chatted me about it the other day and I explained why it took so long. (Although they apologized for it being long over asking why it took so long.) Then they proceeded to spam like content they already liked again.

Spamming won't get a creator to notice you, they'll just straight up fucking block you.

[boiohboii]

Protective girl (Charles Leclerc x reader)

Inspires by @charles-eclair16 's fic

When fans go too far, yn wants to protect the one treasure in her life

or

in which we finally get to see the roles reversed

N.B: this is been in my drafts for so long, omg! Let me know what you guys think!! WARNING: not proof read, some swear words, might have messed up a date, don't focus on any dates mentioned, this is all fictional anyways. Hope you guys like it

masterlist

Liked by Arthur_leclerc, carlossainz55, pierregasly and 1,379,064 others

itsmeyn: charles always goes above and beyond for every single fan of his, he tries to take as many pictures and sign as many autographs as possible, but what happened last night was a fucking joke. He doesn't like what I'm writing cause he says that it was just a mistake and that it was fine, but it really isn't, it's so disrespectful and disgusting! He always wants to meet his fans and make them happy only to receive this insanity, him falling AND HURTING HIMSELF because some of you can't fucking wait and be organized like a human being! Charles isn't an animal in a zoo where you race to pet him! He is a human being, he is a son, a brother and a boyfriend! This wasn't just an accident, i have seen these 6 girls multiple times in multiple places! it's so obsessive and so so sick of you to follow him everywhere.... Charles won't speak up because he is Charles and he lives seeing the good in people, but I will tear everything and everyone for his safety, so for you 6 girls you will be hearing from court soon so better prepare a good lawyer you assholes!

Comments on this post have been disabled.

Liked by leclercboy, ynistheitgurl, fuckferarri and 91,739 others

F1_updates_live: Charles Leclerc's girlfriend, YN LN, seen today arriving in front of the UK's courthouse in a red SF9 Ferarri. It had been quite a week for YN as she was seen hitting a fan after the said fan pushed Charles. YN took this fan and 5 others to court, no one knows on what bases but what has come out is that she has won the case which means that Charles and YN have restraining orders against the group.

username: OHH HEEEELLL YEAAAAAHH

username: yn doing God's work

username: yn serving justice

username: that's what we needed

username: hot girl shit

username: the car and suit combo is so fucking hot of her

username: I think this is too much, like these girls just wanted to see Charles

username: @.itsmeyn can we make them 7?

username: another one

Liked by Charles_leclerc, danielricciardo, pierregasly and 617,829 others

itsmeyn: don't blame me, love made me crazy

username: YN IS A FELLOW SWIFTIE?!?!?

username: if I had a nickel for everytime yn and I had something in common I'd have 2 nickels, which is not a lot but it's weird that it's happened twice

username: now I just want her to watch all the charles edits done with a taylor song

itsmeyn: who says i already don't 🌚

username: and I oop-

username: THIS IS THE SWEETEST AND CRINGIEST SHIT EVER!

Liked by wolfffam, maxverstappen1, lance_stroll and 817,629 others

itsmeyn: congratulations to my baby, the love of my life, you deserve it and so much more ♥️♥️

username: FINALLY!!

username: idk how to react, ferarri has let us down too many times that all I know is lose

username: I don't see how he deserves it tbh, all of his results are shit for quite a while , he's only where he is cause he's driving a ferarri 🤷‍♂️

itsmeyn: oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were the one in a formula one car, in a ferarri, that by the words of many professionals is at its worse era. I don't care about you and your opinion but don't state it as a fact, no one can do better with these strategies. I hate to keep saying this but when your own fucking team doesn't have the same dream as you it turns to shit. Even if charles is the only one in the car, it's still a team sport, not a one man sport. Fuck you and your tiny ass brain that can never survive one lap in a formula one car, it'll probably explode cause of all the bullshit in it before the first lap anyway. So next time you wanna talk shit maybe try to do fifth of who you're criticising is doing, I bet that'll shut you up real quick you dimwit.

Liked by leclercpascale, pilotesofmonaco, tswiftyn, and 52,719 others

F1_updates_live: YN LN, Charles' long time girlfriend, seen today fighting Xavi in Bahrain due to his mistake on the radio which resulted in Charles losing his podium position.

username: good for her

username: charles is so lucky

username: I love how she always stands up for him

username: honestly, whenever charles or carlos ignore the strategies they win... I really wanna see more of that.

username: this is just Monaco 2024 GP all over again, yn was so fucking furious (rightfully so) cause Xavi's mistake costed charles a p1 in his home race.

username: this shit was so heartbreaking man

username: I think this was the first time we ever saw yn angry at sabotaging charles, like the most we saw was her holding his hand when crossing the street, making sure he eats first, playing with his hair when nervous, but I've never seen yn make someone literally cry until 2024 with Xavi being her victim

username: pffft, victim, he 100% deserved it

username: oh yeah, definitely. All my homes hate Xavi, like can you not say the strategy properly 😒

[deoidesign]

Hello! I just discovered your blog and I immediately became captivated by your webcomic, but I'm unsure where to read all of it. I know it's on Webtoons, but I can see it hasn't been updated for a while, and you still post about it.

Are your physical novels just prints of the webcomic? Are they a continuation? Is the story complete? Thanks in advance!

Hi there!

Glad you found me and are enjoying my comic!

It's only on webtoons, and the story is not complete yet! We're 2/3 of the way through right now. It's currently on hiatus, and it's scheduled to come back in about 2 months!

I'll explain why it's been so long if you're curious, but also for my followers who might also be wondering about it under the cut. Sorry, it's pretty much just me complaining haha

I took a month off I took 2 months to get the books printed I took a month to prepare my next comic and I took 2 months to write the rest of the series (I knew the character arcs I wanted, but not the time periods or mysteries!!!) I've been working on actual episodes since then

I had to take some time off because of some pretty extreme burnout due to the sheer amount of work it was to draw over 800 pages and write 6 complete stories in a year and a half... I was getting sick almost weekly due to the overwork, it was really really bad honestly. I was having to work 60+ hours every week just to keep up...

The nature of the comic itself is also difficult... Each of the arcs is a complete, self contained story which can be read (ideally) without context, and my arcs need to be about 10-13 episodes each... And since I have an exact number of episodes to work with, it's even harder.

It takes a ton of planning and a ton of refinement, and working week to week with no breaks I was forced to put out second or even first drafts, so I just wasn't happy with the work I was doing... And to do that for the rest of the series? I wouldn't be proud of the work I did.

Plus... To be entirely honest, webtoon has treated me quite badly IN MY OPINION... They deprioritized me before I launched (I had to beg for more promotion, I'm not exaggerating), they outright denied me the opportunity to even ask for a raise, I don't make any money on fast pass and they pay me less than my partner makes working at trader joes. My first editor left me completely hanging, my second editor (who I loved) was fired... And they told me I wouldn't get a third season before my first season even finished. So it was just repeatedly completely demoralizing.

I'm sorry it has taken so long, it'll have been 10 months by the time I come back. But I realized... I won't get promotion either way. I won't get more episodes either way. I won't get more money either way. So to finish everything, to make it feel good, to make it something I'm proud of, I chose to take longer to make it better.

I am fully aware I will lose a significant amount of my readership for this and it might genuinely affect my career moving forward. But it's what I had to do! So I'm sticking to my guns on it, and I'm confident long term it'll be worth it. It never could have been this good if I didn't take this much time.

[openphrase123]

What's your workflow for planning and then executing a long-term project, like the massive fics you write?

this is how i do fanfics And also original stuff and it's how i've been writing for like ten years (your mileage may vary though i think long project planning is a different kind of beast depending on the person.

also this is the same process as i have for making other media too but obviously with the language tweaked to fit the media (like this is how i plan and execute my game, too!)

have a scene or concept haunt me so thoroughly that i write a short speculative piece about it. if you get here and it's good but can't get past the next step, that's a sign it's meant to be a cool oneshot instead of something multichaptered

decide why i'm making it. what question am i trying to answer, what themes am i trying to explore?

write 2-3 chapters of it freeform style, not caring about where these scenes are going or how they flow into each other (for things that aren't fics, this can just be like. a small section of what it Is). if you're not feeling it here this is a sign to make the scope smaller and make the piece as short as you can tolerate it for. if you are feeling it, this is where you're figuring out the overall tone and style of how the wider work is going to go

figure out the ending. write the ending scene now if you have to. you can change it later but you need to know generally where you want to go

make an outline. how many sections do i need to get from the opening scene to the ending scene? what happens in each chapter?

for ME and how i post, if this is a fanfiction, write at least 25% of it before posting a single thing. or if nothing else write 3 weeks of updates.

start posting

vibe and write at least 3 weeks in advance. if you need a break you need a break. it's free fanfiction, people get it.

now, some creators will be like "whatever you write, take out 10% of it to be economical" this is the modern writer's equivalent of the devil talking. you need the fluff. you need the downtime. you need the epilogue. slow your fucking stories down. let people marinate in them. yeah if you're writing something short form or in a specific format you might need to take stuff out but if you're writing fanfiction or a novel or a game and there's no limit on how long it is. don't worry about spending a couple pages dicking around. every piece of human media from the dawn of time has had interludes, B plots, long meandering pieces of fluff... it makes the parts where the story Hits really stand out. inutile's tragic moments wouldn't be as effective if there weren't fun jokes or levity interspersed in between

that said you need to know when to stop adding shit. only put things in that you think you have a reasonable time to address fully and completely. you will learn this the hard way one day and i cannot teach this or stop you from making this mistake. i learned this mistake writing homestuck fanfiction when i was 13. but in my defense it's really easy to go overboard with homestuck fanfiction

panic because i'm like 90% of the way through and tired of it and start doubting whether the story was ever good at all and if this was wasted time

finish it. celebrate. wait like two months

reread my own work and say "this is sick as hell"

(if this is original work, this is where you start editing it. this is a different beast. i will not elaborate here. fanfiction is for fun and is at the same level as my original fiction drafts. on a rewrite everything will be more polished and purposeful)

repeat forever and ever as long as there are stories to tell

also. this one is just me because it's how my brain works. but ideally i work on two/three longform projects at once, so that when i get tired of working on one my brain will go "ooh shiny" and latch onto one of the other ones effortlessly. if you have adhd this will either work for you perfectly or it will ruin your life

[brynnmclean]

in the core of everything drums a beat (WIP)

Hi, it's my birthday and in hobbit fandom fashion, I want to share fic! This is very much a WIP that I've been kicking around for several weeks (slow writer solidarity) so there is going to be more and I eventually want to post a beta-read multichapter version on AO3 when it's complete and I'm satisfied with it. But for now this is the first (rough draft) chapter of a Hellblade 2: Senua's Saga fic! Spoilers for the end of the game under the cut.

I. drifting

When his father’s blade pierces into his back, Thórgestr finds himself almost thankful for the blow.  It is the bite of steel, the tearing of breath, the blinding burn of pain—but so too is it the bleeding of shame and doubt from his body.  Time turns liquid and slow, and as the Goði discards him, so too does Thórgestr cast away all thought of himself.  He reaches out for Senua, every ounce of strength he has ever had straightening his spine in the silence between ragged breaths.  He must give her the giant’s name.  She must end the tyrant’s reign.

Light glows between their clasped hands, warm and gentle.  A rushlight to show the way.  Brief, but enough. 

Thórgestr strips a title from a tyrant, turns an undefeatable monster into a weak, mortal man.

My father’s name is Áleifr.

The name rings like steel struck true with the hammer beat of his heart.  Thórgestr has carried his father’s reputation—his expectation—like an oxen’s yoke, where once it was a torc around his neck.  Now the weight of it on his back—Goðisson—is gone.  

He is Áleifrsson.  

And Death is coming, swift as raven’s wings.

It hurts to breathe.  He tastes blood on his tongue, between his teeth.  But Senua holds him still.  Not his broken body—just his hand, his gaze.  It is enough to keep him here a moment longer.  

Her eyes are so blue.  There are snowflakes caught in her lashes.  Thórgestr looks at her and wishes for many things.  But there isn’t any more time.

She pulls away and takes up her sword.  He crumbles to the ground, cold as ash.  

He waits for Oðinn’s Valkyries to come, but all he sees is Senua, fierce as flame, defeating the god he made of his father.

-

Death is coming, but not yet.

Thórgestr drifts.  He dreams.

-

He is in the eye of a terrible storm, floating in dark water.  Every so often, his head slips under the surface and he chokes on strange sea-water, thick and metallic on his tongue.  He comes back up and turns his head to vomit up Áleifr’s poison.  There is no strength in his limbs, only shadow and pain.

Senua’s voice reaches him, close in his ear—soft murmurs telling him to hold onto her, she won’t let him go again.  But fear is ice in his veins, heavy as stone.  I’ll drag you under, he weeps, I’ll drown you.  

She won’t hear him, her hands cradling his face, sword-strong grip lifting him up.  And he has no will to struggle against her, grieved and grateful.

-

Distantly, he knows there are poultices and bandages, needles and prayers.  Conversations swirl around him like smoke, nothing he can grasp.  He shivers and sweats in a sick-bed, lost in a maze in his mind.

-

The forest path winds around and around in circles, mist thick and cloying.  Sightless, fearful, he cries out for his companions to no avail.  The malice of Járnviðr has stolen them from him, Senua and Fargrímr and Ástríðr—stupid to have taken his eyes off them when at every turn he can feel beasts watching, rapt and ravenous, waiting for him to fail.  And he will, he knows it, his steps are heavy and limping like the footfalls of prey destined to die in the dirt.  Something is broken within him.  A deep, dull pain throbs inside his chest with each breath.

You stupid boy, strikes inside his skull, reverberating.  His father’s voice, cutting him down.  His leg gives out, axe-bite scar blazing even as he slips into a shallow pool of water and finds the water cold.  He gazes into the broken mirror of the surface, sees his reflection in fragments—his eyes, there’s something strange with his eyes, they flash silver with an animal’s shine.  

If his father is a jotun, then his blood is infected, too.  There is a monster inside him, waiting to strike.

-

“There are no giants,” someone tells him, thumbs sweeping away the tears staining his cheeks, “Your father is gone.  Rest, Thórgestr…”

Rest?  He doesn’t deserve that.

-

The Goði snarls at him to prepare the sacrifice, and unthinking and unquestioning, Thórgestr obeys.

He lifts the sacrifice—the slave—the woman—up and ties her sea-soaked body onto the poles.  The girl from Orkneyjar shakes and screams, and curses him with his own name: Thórgestr, liar, betrayer.

She will bring the giant’s wrath down upon us, the Goði snaps, shut her up, my son!  

Hands trembling, bile burning in his mouth, Thórgestr takes up a knife.  He does not want this.  He never wanted this.  But his father says there is no other way.

The woman’s blood in the moonlight looks black, her throat a ruin beneath his fingers.  Senua chokes and somehow he can still understand the final name she gives him: coward.  The stains sink into his skin like ink.  He will never be clean.

-

He wakes, gasping for air, but the nightmares wash over him again, though he fights, he fights— 

-

The Goði beats him bloody, throws him down into the dirt.  Thórgestr shudders and cries—crawls back to his father’s feet, his guts spilling out and steaming on the ground.  His father reaches down to him from a towering height, and for a breathless moment, Thórgestr thinks he will pull him to his feet and turn a loving hand upon him.  But the giant holds him fast, tears into his flesh and digs until he finds his heart, crushing it in his fist.

Thórgestr’s vision twists and writhes like an animal in death-throes, and then the world glows red.

He rises from death and wields sword and axe like tooth and claw, become now a revenant, a draugr of legend.  He makes himself kinslayer to match Áleifr.

-

“He’s gone,” someone says, soothing but for the note of desperation crackling through their voice, “Áleifr is gone and cannot hurt you anymore—now rest, heal, live for me, I—I will not lose you, too.”

But he is lost, blind and trapped somewhere between Midgard and Niflheim.  Alone in the dark.

“Follow my voice.  I won’t leave you.”

-

A woman is singing in a language he cannot comprehend, the notes fading in and out—coming to him from a great distance in one breath and then brushing as close as a lover’s breath in his ear with the next.  Each note thrums with a thread of light, wrapping around his body like arms—no, a net—he is caught, but the bonds don’t cut.  He reaches out into the tangle of it and finds a steady drumbeat in his blood, strength enough to grasp the threads—light, life—it is a rope cast down into the cavern he has fallen into.

Thórgestr pulls himself to his feet and climbs toward the song.

[fumifooms]

was not expecting how head over heels i'd fall for marchil- i stg there's something they put in the sauce like goddamn! and i've loved seeing your posts analyzing their dynamic, really helped articulate what i was feeling. i was wondering if you had any fic recs, or any recommendations for ships with a similar vibe? i'm hungry for them...

I know right, marchil gripped me in a chokehold out of nowhere and still hasn’t let go… The sauce was designed by the demon for me to get addicted specifically. It’s been too long since I haven’t written fic for them. I’m still chipping away at my Marcille & Chil arc analysis I know I always mention it and I started the draft in January but I SWEARRR… Season 1 is ending next week :/ On the upside I’ll probably be more focused. After that analysis, which is only analyzing in depth like one aspect/half of their intertwined arc btw so who knows there might be a part 2 one day, I kept thinking it’d prob be my last marchil analysis but let’s be real, probably not. Every week I find something new to point out about them aah…… Dungeon food, ahh, dungeon food…

Fanfic rec wise, well first I have my own marchil fics, to which I mostly recommend Grind Me Down Sweetly, and then feel free to browse my marchil bookmarks for what seems good! I don’t know what your tastes are but Shroomyystar makes super good angst (and smut), my favorite being 'Til our fingers decompose, keep my hand in yours about Marcille getting deathly sick and the dilemma to confess or to not confess, incredibly haunting piece of bittersweet but soul-crushing angst AND character study. Like wow! Chilchuck I need to throw you in a river. I want you beside me is cute bedsharing banter. From me to you makes my head spin and makes me shake my screen. And- *gets dragged off before I can mention more* Meanwhile on the flipside, Anita_Amai (the first ao3 marchil writer, still going strong 👏👏) is especially great at offering short and sweet pieces, the tone is usually light and comedic and it always makes me smile and giggle, gives me fluff attacks, the fics always a strong good scene or theme idea too. Just browse and pick any, it’s a good time. There’s soo many more. Honestly I recommend just diving into the ao3 tag and start reading. You can start by kudos and read the highest ones first to dip your toes and get the community classics one out. Early on there was a recurring anon writer who did great bittersweet domestic confession stuff like this one, lifespan angst oughh... Wherever you are now thank you for all your work 😭💖 A lot of new marchil writers are starting to post too! A csm asaden fanfic writer legend just joined the tag so marchil will probably finally get some multi-chaptered fanfics haha~ But yess there’s unrequited angst, there’s self-sabotaging angst, there’s domestic fluff, there’s falling in love and bantery fluff, bunch of good stuff <3

As to ships with similar vibes: The closest I’ve seen so far is honestly weirdly close, it’s the protagonists from a romance comedy josei called Dame na watashi ni koishite kudasai or Please love useless me! I don’t want to spoil but there’s even the guy needing to move on from a doomed love + emotional distance issues and the gal slowly invading his personal life/social circle and my god… They were coworkers, he was rude, he’s a workaholic, he’s reliable, she’s sunshine and needs to get some reality checks... The banter. THE BANTER. He represses and she copes by simping for fictional characters. He made, like, a mutual aid community for ex-gangsters. They dress up in silly costumes sometimes. They’re weeeird about each other in an unlabelable way before dating in a way (in a fun marchil in canon way). It’s so funny she’s cracking open his convoluted personal drama like her morning newspapers. There’s more there’s so much more. Give up on your dreams, make money, love loses 🔥🔥 It’s honestly just a great fun read, it’s such a mood. Haven’t read the sequel yet but there’s one so really if it hooks you you’ll be fed well and for a while. The greatest bits are too spoilery but here, have the vibe.

Howl’s Moving Castle, specifically the book, and there’s a ton of themes and narratives that are so fitting for them that I couldn’t possibly all list, I already made a post on it here if you’re interested in all the details and similarities and my AU thoughts haha.

Teen Titans 2003 the show, Beast Boy x Starfire. THAT’S RIGHT I’M A BBSTAR, BAM! 💥🫶 Jokester that’s dependable x sweet and idealistic but strong and protective. Short gremlin and tall beauty. Friends-coworkers to lovers. Very soft fluffy slice of life ship I like it a lot, and I wrote a fic for it hehe. Might do more one day, I have a bunch of prompts written down and a series I really wanted to get to sob.

I almost forgot to mention Shrek. It’s SO FUNNY how well it goes sometimes… Chil Shrek, Laios Donkey, Marcille Fiona. I want to say Mickbell could be Farquaad but even Mick doesn’t deserve this slander… Shrek 2 fear that he’s not prince charming enough for her oughh. Laios getting to be a horse good for him good for him. Winged Lion singing I need a hero. Someone stop me.

There’s also zenmiyo from Touge Oni but no one reads that </3 I gotta get to my review/lore analysis about that manga it’s sooo good a fave read of mine from last year. Like it’s so fucking good. It keeps just ramping up and getting more crazily good. Scrolling through some pages rn and it’s a unique blend of comedy, philosophy and awe-inspiring visuals and creativity. Well, sort of like late Dunmeshi actually. If it had a fandom any bigger I’d be all over it constantly. And I’d also recommend Harahara Sensei / Timebomb Teacher if it had any english translation, one of my fave mangas also. It’s about mafia, and a goody two shoes willing to go through a corruption arc to save her sister x stern rude mafioso who’s there bc he’s poor and on a revenge mission, never had any other option growing up etc etc. Ok he’s not that Chilchuck but the dynamic does have that "grow up and see the world for what it is, a shithole. It’s been hell for me" vs "ok you have a point. But also have you considered not sacrificing your humanity and emotions in a self-destructive pursuit" (not that she’s in the position to talk lmaoo) like ohh my goood him throwing his popsicle stick in the fire that she lit over a corpse, it haunts me.

From the marchil Discord it’s also fun to notice ships some of us share… Csm asaden, some combination of LotR elf x short guy, fair amount of dunmeshi ships overlap too. Haven’t found the overall common thread quite yet and I’m forgetting many that have come up but lol some off the top of my head.

[azrielgreen]

I am genuinely so impressed by how you are juggling so many projects. What is your writing process like for that? I remember you sharing about how you romanticize the process but like how much time is given to each project? Is it based on where the dopamine leads you during the day? How do you maintain the discipline? How much of a project is mapped before you start drafting and editing? It is so hard to create and i just *genuinely* admire your work ethic so much.

Hi, oh thank you so much, that's really kind of you! So, juggling multiple projects is still new to me, I've only ever had 1 or 2 at once before but the last year has taught me a LOT about how to manage it, how to roll with the punches and the importance of balance.

TL;DR this became a ramble so I summarised:

3 hours a day

dopamine led but with consistent rewards in place

discipline countered with indulgent self care

embracing change and new inspiration

not comparing to others

making work space very pleasing and comfortable

trust you will do it because you've done it before

romanticise

stay open to the universe

you've never failed unless you give up completely - it's fine to miss a deadline, life is very short and it's better to be healthy, happy and inspired than burnt out and sick. take it slow, enjoy it, work when you can and reward yourself CONSTANTLY.

So, time wise, I will try to dedicate at least 3 hours a day to one single project and I'll try to keep it one project per week otherwise my head is all over the place. It's usually dopamine led as following joy is key to my energy levels, but I have also learnt the past year to discipline myself and adapt to a constant flow of creation.

I maintain the discipline by treating myself as wonderfully as I possibly can. I still and always will romanticise everything I do and make it fun; all frills, self indulgent and lovely. Having a space I love that's set up well is hugely important for me. My desk area is amazing now that I've worked on it for well over a year.

One of the best things for crafting discipline but not losing the joy is the THRILL of achievement. When I complete something, i feel amazing and that spurs me on. I cultivate multiple ideas as indulgently as I can and expose myself to a lot of new inspiration. If something doesn't work or feels not good? I give myself the freedom to change it up and the confidence to know that no matter what, it'll work out beautifully so long as I keep going because it always has. There were times during Touched I would CRY it was so hard to write and I was so distracted.

Knowing you can do something because you've already done it is an incredibly powerful little power up that I use often to give myself a boost.

But honestly, overall, I really do romanticise my life in general. I make beautiful things, I love what I write, I'm so grateful for everything and always open to new ideas and I never close myself off by comparing, doubting or clinging too hard to what felt good before. I give myself space to realise that I'm constantly changing and growing and that my writing reflects that which is SO exciting!! I think honestly, I'm my biggest fan. I hype myself, reward myself and treat writing like a blissful escape, which it is, even when it's 7 hours non-stop for a story I am very ready to be done with.

The most important thing about maintaining this level of output (for me) is giving myself space to mess up a little, to miss a deadline, to delay posting and not feel awful. 'You're Divine' is one of the greatest writing lessons I've ever learned, in that just because you can physically write 25k+ a week doesn't mean you SHOULD. Towards the end I had made myself very ill. I won't ever do that again. It's never a failure, unless you give up completely. Life is very short, it's difficult to feel inspired when you're hard on yourself. Treat yourself like the person you love most in this world. Be a little selfish, lean in where you're weird and praise it to the skies.

Thanks so much again!

Love, Az

💜💜💜

[freaksstar]

Hi Star!! Just read your enhypen x reader works and I wanted to say that I really love them 💖

If its not too much of a bother, and if you're still taking requests, could you write something about P1Harmony's Keeho confessing to bff reader? Thank you! 😊

ᴛʜᴇ 5 + 1 ᴡᴀʏꜱ ɪ ꜰᴇʟʟ ꜰᴏʀ ʏᴏᴜ.

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pairing: keeho x fem! reader, bff's to lovers

wc: 4.1k

genre: fluff, angst (if you squint)

guests: jay (enha), niki (enha) danielle (nwjns), chaewon (lesserafim),

warnings: mentions of crying, cussing (light), lmk if I missed anything else.

a/n: tysm for requesting nonnie!! it makes me rlly happy when ppl request lol, and it gets me motivated. i'm so sorry for the extreme delay in posting this tho cuz its exam season and everything and im sick so its been a tough week 😥 i hope you like it tho!! I hope how I wrote it is ok tho because i ended up having too much fun with the idea lol but fun fact!! i wrote this while listening to same scent by oneus lmaoo 😭

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i've lost it.

He's absolutely lost it. He's gone insane. That has to be the case, no? Now here's the thing: him and you go wayyy back. Like, you're childhood friends. And so he loves you - platonically. At least, that's what he thought until today. Is it normal that his heart's palpitating like it's going to explode? It must be normal. It's the adrenaline, he swears. Is that how adrenaline works though?...

Maybe not. Maybe he's gaslighting himself. Not that it's his fault. For some reason, today you look stunning, even if you're dressed down as hell. Maybe it's the way your intently listening to the drafted tracks that are for their next comeback, maybe it's the way you're swiftly taking notes as you bop your head along, hell, maybe it's just the fact that aside from his group members, he's never seen someone care so much. Not that he's complaining of course. The fact that you'd embroidered hoodies for their next comeback, for the entire group, gotten them accepted by their stylists so they could wear them in their mv's and performances might be the reason. It was so random too, when you came into their dorm one day, a pile of clothes in your arms as you proudly dropped them on Keeho's bed.

So random. Arguably weird.

But you cared. You cared about them.

And now, suddenly, he's found himself lost in your eyes as he's pitying all the guys you've dated. Pitying them for loosing such a gem. Must suck to suck, he thinks. It's then that he swears he won't loose you. He won't loose you if his life depends on it, even if he has to gaslight himself into believing he doesn't have feelings for you. Because he'd do anything for you to stay.

You're his and his groups biggest supporter, his rock when the leader duties get to him.

If he lost you, he'd be dead.

"Keeho? You good?"

Oh shoot.

2. delusional

"Yoo, guess who's got the goods?" You'd say with a grin, plopping down bags of snacks on the floor without making a noise.

"Girl, you cannot be saying shit like that in my company building. You're gonna get me cancelled! Gonna have controversies of me smoking weed." He'd reply, trying to keep the amusement out of his voice as he turned the swivel chair to face you. "Why're you here?" he questions after watching you pull out a bag of chips and tossing it to him, automatically going to open it. "Bro, can I not visit my best friend... you thought I had other friends to crash with?"

It's a silly question. Of course you have other friends to crash with.

But you choose him.

Goddamn it, he has to stop reading into everything.

"Nah it's just... whatever, forget it. You got the smarties?" Judging from the way his hand goes to the nap of his neck, you can tell something's up. He only tends to do that when he's nervous or stressed, a small detail you've learned about him after years of hanging out. Would you question it though? No, of course not. It's most likely because of the upcoming comeback they have.

And Keeho? Well damn can he figure out that you've caught on. He's not the best liar, or white lie yapper whatsoever, and so he's seen that face of yours - eyebrows unnoticeably furrowed, tongue poking the inside of your cheek - multiple times. He's quick to distract you from the fact that something's up with him.

"Broo, you good? I asked where the smarties were, lemme smoke 'em like we used to back in high school..." He'd drawl lazily, grabbing the polythene bag and rummaging through it for a few seconds, before pulling out a wrapped pack of smarties. You sigh, an endearing smile making it's way to your face as you watch him crush the pellet-shaped candies. "You're such a weirdo..." you'd mutter, your words tinged with a joking tone. "Don't even, you're literally the same," he hits back, a small chuckle escaping your lips.

"Eh, we were made for each other. You're stuck with me for the rest of you life Yoon Kee-ho, whether you like it or not. We're certified weirdo besties after all!" You exclaim, sitting on his dorm room's bed, the cheesiest smile plastered to your face.

"We were made for each other."

He turns away, grabbing a pair of scissors, though the action is only an excuse to hide his blushing face. The way you had him flustered at such innocent words killed him. Damn was he delusional. Those words didn't have anything but a platonic connotation, and here he was, face flushed as he tried to contain the silly school girl-esque smile threatening to appear on his lips.

"Of course, you dork." He mutters softly, quickly regaining his composure before flicking your forehead, to which you recoil away with a laugh.

If only you had the guts to tell him you meant it all romantically.

3. your #1 supporter

The next time he sees you, you're crying. He'd decided to visit you after a long and busy week, since you'd been unable to visit him, and well, he hadn't expected to see you in such a state. He had to make an effort to keep his jaw from dropping as you slowly opened the door to your apartment.

"Kee... you're here." You mumble softly, as he takes in your disheveled state, not having seen you like this since university acceptance exams. "Hey, hey, girl, what's up?" He's quick to turn soft at your appearance, brushing the hair out of your face and embracing you gently, his tote bag abandoned at his feet. The way it hurt to see you like this was unbearable. It was already unbearable when he saw his bandmates, the only people he cherished aside from you and his family, hurt, but from some reason, it hurt ten-fold when it was you crying.

Your arms slowly make their way around his torso, leaning into his embrace, thankful for the warmth. "So much work." is all you'd murmur into the thick fabric of his hoodie, breathing out slowly. He didn't need much more context to understand what had you so stressed.

"Exams?" he whispered softly, only to be met with a nod. He stands there for a few more moments, gently caressing your hair, his heart speeding at the closeness of your bodies. A proximity he once didn't notice nor have any care for. Now, he actively seeked it. God, he was such a simp.

After a few moments of thoughts, and cursing himself in the back of his mind, he asks another question. "You wanna take a cuddle break 'n then work on preparing again? I can spend the night and help you out, yeah?" Another nod. He silently smiles to himself, resisting the urge to kiss your forehead. You pray that he can't hear the way your heart's pounding in your chest right now, praying that the pink dusting your cheeks is unnoticeable.

"I'm so proud of you and the work you put in darling." He says quietly, running his fingers through the locks of your h/c hair. "You're my rock, I hope you know that. So much stronger than me too, if I had to deal with the preparation you're going through for that test, I'd still fail."

His words earn a small giggle from you, and a remark.

"We're ride or die after all, right?"

Sure as hell that's what the both of you were. He'd be dead if you weren't here.

4. 9.27

Why the hell was he jealous? Not like he was in any position to be jealous. So maybe seeing you talking to Jiung, Theo, Intak, Soul, and Jeongseob more than him for the past week was killing him. Maybe the way you'd all shut up and stop laughing the moment he entered the room hurt. Would he attempt to talk to you about it though? Not yet, not until it ate him away so much that he was forced to confront you, before he perished to the thoughts circling his mind.

You were friends with them too.

Now he just wanted you to himself.

He'd slap himself, realizing just how toxic that was. If he did that, he'd loose you for sure. In his opinion though? You looked even better then you currently did laughing at things he said. With a defeated sigh, he'd unlock the door to the band's dorm, kicking his shoes off before looking around the dark room, confused. Where was everyone? He swore they hadn't gave him any heads up about going anywhere. Pulling out his phone, he'd yell, "Guys?"

Before he could process the ripple of quiet murmurs that spread across the room, the lights were on, and there you were, a cake in your hands, the candles on the cake slowly being illuminated as Soul popped out of no where and lit them.

"Happy birthday to you..."

From his peripheral vision, he could see everyone else popping out from their hiding places, Theo with his hands full of gifts, Intak, Jeongseob, and Jiung struggling with unrolling a banner that Keeho could only barely make out the words of. “What?…” He’d mumble, his phone long forgotten as he subconsciously slipped it back into his pocket. Right, his birthday. Man, he’d been so caught up with practice and all of the preparation for the comeback that it'd completely slipped his mind.

"Keeho!" You'd exclaim, suddenly appearing in front of him, Soul to the side twirling a plastic knife in his hand before handing it to Keeho. The others would take their places next to you and Soul, Theo putting the gifts down slowly and Jiung helping Jeongseob put up the banner, while Intak got out a pack of small plates and forks.

"Uh, y/n? Thank you for doing all this but... I..." The way his face flushed as he stumbled over his words was embarrassing, but he really couldn't do much. He was already on the verge of crying, just from seeing all of you guys arrange something like this for him, and even though he wasn't the type to cry, something just snapped. Might've been the stress, might've been the relief, but as he blew the candles out he couldn't stop the warm tears from dripping down his face. Letting out a soft string of curses, his hand would come to his cheek in an attempt to dry the tears quickly, only to be met with your hand doing the job instead.

"Aw man, we didn't mean to make you cry... y/n bro, did we really just spend this entire week trying to hid his birthday plan from him just to make him cry? Swear my plan would've worked better..." Soul would say as he stood off to the side, taking the cake from your hands and cutting it into slices. He'd giggle as you retorted to his comment with something about how a jump scare wouldn't be any better.

Not that Keeho really caught any of the comments the two of you were making at each other, as the gears in his head were turning. Keeho was smart, y'know? It's just that sometimes it took him a good moment to get things, and so when the pieces clicked, he couldn't help but let out a quiet gasp. So that's why you'd been so secretive with the others all this time. When you'd look back at him after your quick discussion with Soul, you'd be met with glaring eyes, though his smile gave away the unseriousness to his appearance. "You... I swear to god, you alway have me trippin' about something..." Keeho would murmur, chuckling to himself as he trapped you in a hug, before breathing a sigh of relief as you returned the gesture.

"Try that again, and I might actually go insane."

"Huh? What're you on about now Kee..."

You'll know why one day.

5. skeleton flower

It'd been a tough week for you. You were busy with work, studying for your upcoming tests, making more embroidered pieces for P1Harmony due to the stylists requesting you to do so. What could they say? They loved your work, and well, you couldn't refuse being the people-pleaser you were. So with all that on your plate, and multiple deadlines, you'd decided to lock in. Locking in... was an interesting experience. When you locked in you tended to be seriously locked in. Like, locked in your apartment complex locked in. You hadn't stepped foot outside in a good 5 days. Now Keeho knew you got like this - so he tended to give you space during your 'im going to ghost everyone and never leave my apartment' phases, only checking in once you hit the 6 day mark of no contact.

You had reached the 6 day mark.

"Shit-" you'd curse under your breath, stabbing your finger for what felt to be the millionth time with the needle. Your ring finger would quickly find its way to your lips as you sucked the blood off, seething at the prick of pain. Sure, it might not be the most sanitary way to approach the issue, but you were on a time crunch, and it got the job done.

That was until it happened again, and this time your eyes would start dripping with water, the salty tears plopping onto the fabric of the hoodie you were currently embroidering. Ah, so you'd reached your breaking point. It was bound to happen at one point. Yes, you were aware that it wasn't healthy to stack stress and try to do everything all at once, but it was a habit that'd carried from your high school years into your university years - and you were yet to break it. That's why you relied on Keeho to keep you rooted.

Just then, as if he'd heard your thoughts, the doorbell would ring. Having no energy to walk to the door yourself, you'd pick you phone up with quivering hands - left abandoned to the side of you, as you hadn't touched it in days - and pulled his contact up, messaging him "you can come in". He knew your apartment's code afterall.

The faint beeping of the code being punched in would ring in the quiet interior of your apartment, and following it, the creak of the door opening. You could hear Keeho's calm steps, a pause, and then a rustling of a bag, as he made his way to your room. Your back was turned to him, as you were sitting at your desk, and you'd hear a faint whisper, before feeling hands on your shoulders, and a bag being put down.

"my skeleton flower... how're you feeling?"

You hadn't heard that nickname since the two of you had crammed for high school finals.

It'd been a while.

It still made your heart race all the same.

"I... I'm not sure, my rain"

A nickname that hadn't left your lips in quite some time.

You wouldn't notice the way he blushed at the statement.

You'd be met with open arms holding you close, as you sank off your chair to meet him on the carpeted floor. "You've been doing great... I think it's time for you to stop self-isolating again though, don't you agree?" he'd murmur against your ear, tracing shapes on your back as you clung to him, your first human interacting in days. You replied to his statement with a faint hum, tightly hugging him back. The two of you would stay like that for a bit, just silent, unspoken words between the two of you.

I love you.

A silent plea that went unheard.

5+1. firework

"Keeho!"

From just the sound of your voice, his head would whip back, meeting your grin. The rooftop firework party in honor of P1harmony's comeback had been planned by you a few days ago, and after a bit of convincing the higher-ups, Keeho and Theo, being the group's oldest, had gotten a thumbs up for your plan. The rooftop itself was being decorated by Soul and Jeongseob, streamers being put up here and there as Jiung set up the couch and chairs - Theo following behind with bottles of soju and snacks, laying them out carefully with a stack of paper cups. Intak would be setting up a folding table, carefully placing a boxed cake down on the plastic table cloth as he got utensils and paper plates out. Jay and Niki were at the barbecue, whatever they were cooking leaving a mouth-watering aroma in the air, the sunset in the background perfecting the mood.

"Heyy! We've been setting up, as you can see." He'd say, greeting you with a quick hug, though he wished he could hold you for longer. Looking around, he asked, "Who'd you bring?" You were allowed to bring two other friends after all. "I brought Chaewon and Danielle! Just gotta make sure Danielle doesn't get her hands on the soju tonight." You'd say with a giggle, brushing the hair out of your face.

Your eyes.

Your voice.

At hearing your sweet laughter, a chuckle of his own would leave his lips. "Mmm, I gotta watch Soul tonight, 'cause I think Jeongseob's responsible enough to not sneak any drinks, and Jay has to watch Niki. Guess we're all on babysitting duty then?" He'd remark, watching you laugh as you set your bag down. Turning to him, you'd murmur with a small smile, "I suppose so."

Your smile.

"Alrighty then, I gotta set up the fireworks. You girls help out somewhere then?"

"Can I help you? Chaewon and Danielle went off to help the others."

"Yeah, it that'd be great" He'd mutter, sheepishly pulling out an instruction manual. "Haven't been able to figure this out all day." You meet his statements with loud laughter, and it'd soon infect him.

Your laughter.

Your kindness.

About two hours later with an evening glow illuminate the rooftop, you'd all be huddled up around a fire pit, eating Jay's cooking and exchanging conversations, every now and then a remark or two causing laughter from everyone. The clinking of glasses, the warmth of the fire, the lighting, the talking, all perfect. The perfect memory. You looked perfect too, as always. Before you realized, Keeho would catch himself staring, remembering the little hand-picked bouquet of flowers he'd made for you sitting in the corner. He had to tonight. He wasn't sure if he could live with himself if he didn't tell you.

So when everyone would be in their positions, and Jay would be getting ready to set off the fireworks, he'd grab the bouquet, which you shouldn't be able to see very well due to the dark of the night, and he'd make his way to your side. You looked so excited. How cute.

"Keeho, Keeho, Keeho, you ready? He's gonna set them off any moment now!" you'd exclaim, clutching his hand. He'd reply back with the same amount of enthusiasm, as he tried to not be distracted by how you were holding his hand. A second later, the two of you would hear Soul scream, before yelling, "Hey guys back up! I lit the fucking fuse- shooot!" As you two giggled, you could hear the faint response from Theo, telling Soul something about not cussing, before the bang of the first firework would go off.

Collective shouts of joy would come from where you were all huddled together, joined by the clinking of glasses and laughter, as you and Keeho would laugh along with everyone else. Shoot, he had to do it now, or he'd forget and never have the guts again.

"N/n, c'mon, I gotta tell you something real quick," He'd say to you, catching Intak's smirk as the two of you walked off a few feet from the others. He'd mutter something under his breath, before grabbing the bouquet off the floor as you made your way over, putting your red solo cup down.

"Yeah, what's up?" You'd question, tilting your head slightly as you studied his face. Something felt off. A second of silence would follow, before Keeho would open his mouth slightly, the hesitancy obvious.

"Y/n."

"Yeah?" You were now giving him a quizzical stare, stepping closer. "Something wrong?"

He'd exhale, steeling himself for rejection.

"I... I love you. A lot. And... if you're unable to return my feelings, that's completely fine, so please don't feel pressured to say yes. Would you... would you be my girlfriend?"

Done. Now he could regret it forever, but at least he got it out. After a few moments, he'd hesitantly meet your eyes, waiting for a response. Maybe he should clarify.

"Once again, I-"

"I love you too."

What?

"You- you what?"

Had he heard that right?

A quiet giggle would leave your lips as your stepped forward, hands taking his as they intertwined.

"Can I kiss you?"

You had him wrapped around your finger. Of course he would let you kiss him. He'd let you do anything.

In return to your query would be a grin, as he slipped his hands out from yours and to your face. He'd hold your face gently as he pressed his lips to yours, the bouquet long forgotten. It's fine, he could give it to you later.

He had what he loved the most now, after all.

You.

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please don't translate, copy, or steal my work!

ty for reading <3

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[aahsokaatano]

A Brief Examination of Margaret Houlihan and Gender

(aka I'm doing my rough draft of my essay on tumblr bc I can ramble here)

I spent 6 weeks watching all 251 episodes of M*A*S*H with the aim of critically analyzing Margaret Houlihan, and more specifically how she is referred to throughout the series. I was initially doing this with the idea of tracking the change from "Hot Lips" to Margaret, but I got more than I bargained for - I really forgot how often she's referred to as a man or in a gender neutral way, and it's super interesting, so under the cut is a list of quotes and some light analysis.

Season 1

"Oh, sorry baby." / "Major to you!" ("The Pilot" s1e1) Neutral

"You're dismissed!" / "Thanks, Mother." ("The Pilot" s1e1) Feminine

"One lady in our outfit..." ("Dear Dad" s1e12) Feminine

Season 2

"You are no gentleman!" / "Good thing you are." ("Divided We Stand" s2e1) Masculine

[Margaret speaking on behalf of Frank] "That's pretty strong stuff, Frank." / "It's true!" ("L.I.P. (Local Indigenous Personnel)" s2e7) Masculine

"You've emasculated me for the last time!" ("Carry On Hawkeye" s2 e11) Masculine

"Margaret Houlihan; nurse, friend, and all around good egg." ("Carry On Hawkeye" s2e11) Neutral

[Radar calls Margaret "sir" - this is something that he ends up doing for several more seasons] "Men are sirs, women are ma'ams!" ("Hot Lips and Empty Arms" s2e14) Feminine (with Masculine connotations long-term)

Season 3

"You know, for once I agree with him?" / "I [Margaret] said that." / "I know." ("Rainbow Bridge" s3e2) Masculine

"Speaking man-to-man, Colonel," ("There is Nothing Like a Nurse" s3e10) Masculine

"He's a creep." / "She's a creepette." ("The Consultant" s3e17) Feminine

"I know you didn't volunteer because you're a married man [...] Well, I'm a married man, too, Frank. Married to the Army." ("Aid Station" s3e19) Masculine

"I'm not just Major Margaret Houlihan, army nurse. I'm also Margaret Houlihan - frail, vulnerable, sensitive female." ("Aid Station" s3e19) Feminine

"Don't think of me as a woman!" ("Aid Station" s3e19) Neutral/Masculine

Season 4

"When I was five, I had a crying fit because they wouldn't let me have a crew cut." ("Deluge" 4.23) Neutral/Masculine

Season 5

"He [Donald] calls me his little plebe." ("Margaret's Engagement" s5e2) Neutral

"I'm an engaged person!" ("Margaret's Engagement" s5e2) Neutral

[Speaking to a newborn baby] "Major Houlihan is here to help you." ("The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan" s5e6) Neutral

"Anybody can open with a pair of 10s if they're wearing civilian boxer shorts." / [...] / "I'll open for 25 cents." ("Dear Sigmund" s5e7) Neutral/Masculine

"Margaret, when you're sick, can't you call me Frank?" / "You know I'm an engaged person." ("The Colonel's Horse" s5e11) Neutral

"Margaret, I'm as taut as a watch spring." / "Your state of tautness s no longer a concern of mine, Major Burns. I happen to be an engaged person." ("Hawkeye's Nightmare" s5e13) Neutral

"Sure, nurse..." / "Nurse?! You're talking to a major!" / "Sorry. Would you help us move this guy into pre-op, Major?" ("Post-Op" s5e23) Feminine/Neutral

Season 6

"A head nurse who is part seductress, and part Attila the Hun" ("The Winchester Tapes" s6e4) Feminine/Masculine

[the nurses to Hawkeye] "Do you think you could talk to Hot Lips?" ("Images" s6e9) Feminine

"Hot Lips Houlihan: blonde landmine." ("Patent 4077" s6e16) Feminine

"Congratulations. You're still a major, Major." ("What's Up, Doc?" s6e19) Neutral

Season 7

[about her divorce] "Best thing that ever happened to me. The weight of the world is off my shoulders! I feel like a new woman!" ("Peace On Us" s7e2) Feminine

[BJ] "The king is dead." / [Hawk] "Long live the queen." / [Margaret] "You bet." ("Hot Lips is Back in Town" s7e20) Feminine

"I'm going as far in this man's army as any woman can go. Maybe even general!" ("Hot Lips is Back in Town" s7e20) Feminine

Season 8

"I'm a woman, and I can tell you what it's like for a woman to be away from the man she loves." ("Too Many Cooks" s8e1) Feminine

"To be a woman, with the rank of major..." ("Are You Now, Margaret?" s8e2) Feminine

"Hot Lips?" / "Yeah, that's a nickname she picked up." ("Are You Now, Margaret?" s8e2) Feminine

"Hot Streak Houlihan strikes again!" ("Life Time" s8e11) Neutral

"I'm just as much a major as any other major. You'll notice these leaves come in gold, not pink for girls and blue for boys." ("Stars and Stripes" s8e14) Feminine/Neutral

"What do you suppose I am deep down?" / "Deep, deep down? A woman." / "Go a little deeper." / "A major." / "I'm me. Sometimes a nurse, sometimes a major, sometimes a woman in love... sometimes all three at once." ("Stars and Stripes" s8e14) Feminine/Neutral

[speaking to an infant] "Hello there, sweetheart. I'm your Auntie Margaret." ("Yessir, That's Our Baby" s8e15) Feminine

Season 9

"What's the matter? She isn't man enough to bring it in [to the men's showers] herself?" ("Bless You, Hawkeye" s9e17) Masculine

[speaking to Margaret] "You know, you don't get to be a high-ranking officer, to run an O.R., to command respect, unless you've earned it." ("The Foresight Saga" s9e19) Neutral

Season 10

"I know everybody thinks I'm tough, demanding, insensitive, cold, callous, crabby - feel free to disagree at any time!" / "Think of it this way; maybe you are all that stuff, but deep down underneath, I think maybe there's some more stuff that's... pretty good stuff. You know?" ("The Birthday Girls" s10e11) Neutral

Season 11

"I do not need the help of a nurse." / "It's a good thing I'm a lady or you'd need a nurse, buster!" ("Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen" s11e16) Feminine

Total Counts:

Feminine: 19

Masculine: 12

Neutral: 17

These aren't all of the quotes I collected during my rewatch, or the only thing I was paying attention to, but it definitely caught my interest. And laying out like like this, by season, you can really see the trends ebb and flow. Margaret is portrayed pretty firmly as feminine/neutral through the first season, but season two introduces the running joke of other characters referring to her as "Frank" and using he/him due to how often she speaks on his behalf, as well as Radar calling her "sir" rather than "ma'am." She sticks even more firmly to referring to herself neutrally in season five, calling herself an "engaged person" rather than an "engaged woman" on three different occasions.

After her marriage and Frank's departure, Margaret is referred to more femininely again, but she doesn't refer to herself as a woman until season 7, after her divorce. I find it especially interesting to compare "The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan" in s5 and "Yessir, That's Our Baby" in s8; both deal with very young infants and show us Margaret's interactions with these babies. In s5, she refers to herself as "Major Houlihan" to the baby, but then in s8, she's "Auntie Margaret." Between these events were her marriage and divorce, and Margaret's self-confidence being boosted by her work on herself and her duties as head nurse.

BJ refers to Margaret loosely in masculine terms in s9, and it's the first time the joke has been really touched on since s6, when Charles compares her to Attila the Hun. This is the last time anyone refers to Margaret as masculine, with the final two seasons having her presented either neutrally (by rank) or femininely (as a "lady").

Margaret's character journey actually can be tracked through this list of quotes pretty well. She's more of an antagonist when she's referred to more often with masculine terms, and as she develops into a more traditional protagonist, the narrative refers to her with more feminine terms. The fact that Margaret herself is most likely to use feminine terms when she's at her most confident in herself is definitely interesting, and I think says a lot about how her confidence is tied into her self-image.

[angel-shaw]

First draft of my Magnus Archive Fic!

This is the first “chapter” of my first TMA fic:) I am still working on it and I haven’t edited this at all yet but I really want some input and praise:3

I started this fic off of a dream that my TMA obsessed bf begged me to wright. I haven’t reached the main part that I am super excited about yet so expect more! For those who read this let me know if I should post this as a multi chapter fic and post this rn to Ao3 or if I should wait till I am done with it:)

Summary - Tim and John are trapped in a concrete room inside the Achrives, Nether knows what happened or how to get out so they have no choice but to sit in their together. (Takes place after season 1 and definitely before season 3, might make it so Sasha is fine because I can )

Currently at 8016 words:)

Tw: being trapped, paranoia, etc kinda stuff (lemme know if more needs to be tagged :). )

“Tim,” John said, shaking his counterpart.

“Tim you need to wake up, food is ready and you need to eat it hot.”

Underneath several thick blankets John heard heard tim mumble something along the lines of

‘I’m cold, fuck off.’

John sighed.

“I know your cold Tim but the warm food will help with that, please i don't want to fight you on this every time.”

The blankets shuffled quickly and John flinched back as Tim pulled the blankets down from his, very tired looking, face.

“Then don't! Leave me be! Why do you even care John? It's not like anything can be done about this so why not do what you've always done and either leave me alone or go speculate about whether or not I'm some possessed version of myself who will randomly decide to try and kill you for some obscure reason only you understand in a corner?!”

John stood frozen for a few seconds as Tim glared at him. When Tim started to shiver despite the blankets it snapped John out of his stupor. Instead of responding he instead held a hot bowl of soup out for Tim to take.

“This should help,” John whispered as Tim frowned.

It took a minute but Tim shifted to prop himself against the wall and took the bowl.

John took his own bowl and sat a little ways away from Tim as they both ate in silence.

This was their routine, minus Tims outburst normally. For the last 2 weeks Tim and John have been trapped in this room. It reminded John of the archival room without the shelves and boxes of statements. A stone room with no windows and only one door. John couldn't even remember how he and Tim had gotten there. He couldn't explain why they were stuck in there and even less of a clue where the food and resources came from. It felt like some kind of thing fucking with them. Giving them what they need to survive but not to get out.

At first he and Tim argued a lot, both scared and confused. Johns added paranoia didn't help that ether and seeing as how they were stuck together now 24/7 they had plenty of time to fight. That was until Tim started to get sick, it was so easy for John to notice the change. Tim started to shiver, at times John could even hear his teeth chattering. He stopped moving around the room and just stayed curled up under his blanket. One night John had waited till Tim had fallen asleep and threw his own blanket on top of Tims shivering form. The days following John had asked Tim if he was alright but was met with hostility. And that's how it had been the past week and a half. When Tim stopped eating John took it upon himself to make sure Tim had food to eat. He noticed when he ate Tim stopped shivering for a time so he made sure there was almost always a hot food for Tim to have when he started to violently shiver.

John and Tim rarely talked because it seemed it could only lead to another fight. So the silence the two fell into well eating no longer felt awkward.

When Tim placed his bowl down onto the stone floor he immediately withdrew into the two blankets.

“Do you want more?”

A muffled mumble.

Because John couldn't hear him he decided to move closer. He scooted up to the blanket and leaned down.

“What was that?’’

The entire blanket flinched and before he knew it a flash a pain shot through his nose. John flinched back and cried out, bringing his hands up to his face.

John's eyes were shut tight and he could feel the tears welling up behind his eyelids. He was too preoccupied feeling a hot wet liquid start to run down his hands and wrists to notice Tim and sat up and threw the blankets off of himself.

“Oh holy shit! John, I didn't realize you got so close. What the hell where you doing?! Shit are you ok? Oh holy fuck thats alot of blood. Shit shit SHIT! Here uhh just, just stay here. I'll go and find something, oh fucking hell theres so much blood’” Tims rant could barely be heard by John who was still sitting in shock and pain.

A few seconds later John felt Tims strong hands envelope his own, distantly he could hear Tims voice. It sounded…calmer than usual? No, not calmer… nicer.

“John come on, lemme see.”

John could feel his head shake, there weren't any real thoughts going through his mind really so he didn't know why.

“Hey come on, I kinda know how to fix it….a little…I won't make it worse at least.”

John felt his head shake harder. He really needed to stop doing that. It made his head hurt and him feel dizzy.

“Come on John, please let me help.”

Finally John let Tim pull his hands down, his eyes still shut tight and still in an immense amount of pain.

“Shit…Ok here,” Tim's voice was quiet as he started wiping around the nose, clearing some of the blood before holding it to John's face firmly.

“See that's not too bad right? We got this…no problem.”

Tim took a deep breath, “Ok John can you hear me?”

Again John could distantly feel himself nod, nothing felt real.

“Good, good. Ok so this next bit is gonna sting like a bitch right? It will be over quick though ok? Can I?”

Another nod, what was he even agreeing to?

And then the grasp on the cloth over his nose became much firmer before there was a loud crack and a fresh wave of pain with an overwhelming nausea flowing through him.

“Fuck!”

He could hear a lot clearer now, so much so that he could hear the hiss of Tim sucking air through his teeth.

“See,” Tim meekly tried, “Wasn't too bad ay?”

John finally opened his eyes, he could still feel how wet they were and to his displeasure he could feel that wetness stream down his face. Tim was still sat in front of him holding his nose with a weird look on his face.

It was a look John couldn't quite place, he had never been the best at reading people. Somehow always coming to the seemingly worst concussion possible.

“You ok John?”

Tims voice was quite soft, it was something John had noticed. Whenever Tim spoke to others, others like the random people who visited the archive or the food attendees at the outings he was forced to go on. He would question why talking to Tim made those people feel better, or at least good judging by their smiles. Now that that softness was directed at him he understood why those peoples smiles got bigger. He wanted Tim to keep talking to him like that.

“John?”

John looked up at Tim, still in shock from Tim REBREAKING HIS NOSE.

“Did you just break my nose..?”

Tim shifted uncomfortably, “Ya I'm sorry, I had to set it so it won't heal wrong…”

“That really hurt, like a lot….It still really hurts”

“Here just hold the cloth to it for now and the bleeding should stop soon, plus the pressure might help with the pain. It's what i did when i broke my nose”

John stared at Tim increadisully but talking moved his nose and made it hurt more so he decided to stay quiet.

Until he looked down and saw how much blood there was everywhere.

—----------

Tim watched as he saw John's breathing get faster, his eyes were huge as he looked at his hands and arms. The blood was still wet and dripping down his arms to the stone floor.

“John?”

No response from him, John didn't even look up at him.

“Jonathan, man are you ok?”

Again, no response. Faster breathing, it was starting to freak Tim out. Was John having a panic attack? Sure Tim had seen plenty, hell just working at the Archive meant a lot of people who were giving statements had a lot of them. John though, he was always so…well not really confident but he held himself in a way that made him seem untouchable.

Tim had seen him with his paranoia but it was never like this, he was always looking for a way to fix whatever he was paranoid about, even if he was bluntly wrong and being stupid. This…this was so different. John was panicking, worse than the panic Tim had seen during the Worm incident. Why was a broken nose worse than a worm burrowing itself into his skin?????

“John!”

Nothing.

“John, look at me.”

Tim was still holding the cloth, John had never reached his hands back up to take it himself. He was too busy…working himself into a panic attack???

Tim used that to his advantage, he tilted John's head up until his eyes shot to him.

“It's ok, you're ok. Nothing really happened right? You're all good. The pain will go away soon, you just need to breathe.”

John shook his head and looked back down at his hands.

“Is…is it the blood freaking you out?”

John didn't reply but as Tim contoured to follow his eyes he was pretty sure he was right.

“Shit ok, umm here, John.. John!”

John startled to look back up at Tim, he really did look panicked. Shit….

“Look John, just close your eyes ok? I'll take care of it. Come on, just close them. I'm not going anywhere…it's not like i can really, But I swear i'll take care of it”

John finally squeezed his eyes shut again, his breathing was still way too fast but it seemed like he was trying to calm that down so that was good.

Tim wasn't quite sure what to do after that. Now that he knew what the major problem was he should try to fix it right? But he was still holding on to John's nose so he couldn't go to the sink to get anything to help so what the hell was he going to do?

It was really cold out from his blankets, not as cold as before but still. He might fight John on it but the warm food really did help. John was so confusing, one day he was acting like Tim would snap and go on a random killing spree and now he was…trying to help him? It didn't make any sense.

Then Tim had an idea.

“Hey John, can you stand up?”

John nodded his head slowly.

“Ok good, well I need you to stand, I'll be right here k? You don't have to open your eyes, i'll lead you where we need to go.”

John nodded again. It took another moment for John to try to start standing, he almost fell and grabbed onto tims arms to stabilize himself.

Shit he has a weak ass grip-

“Hay it's alright,” Tim said quietly, “You can hold onto me.”

John's hands somehow ended up on Tims side as he stood, the two of them stood there letting balance be regained before struggling to move around the room.

—-----------

It was hard to stay standing with his legs shaking but he could feel Tims free hand helping to hold him up as they shuffled somewhere.

Where were they going? It couldn't be far of course, the two had stuck in this one room for what felt like so long now. Unless Tim had been lying and he had known a way out this entire time. What if all this was a plan?

No he was being unreasonable, he knew Tim. Tim wouldn't.

Before he could think anymore on it he heard tims muffled voice again.

“Ok I'm gonna lean you again here kk? Just lean here and I'll clean you up.”

John just nodded again.

See? He thought to himself. Tims good, Tim wouldn't lie like that. As prickly as he had been he hadn't done anything wrong and he was stuck here too.

Jonathan had always struggled with paranoia, he always needed someone or something to blame for everything. Even if it was himself that at least gave it a reason to happen, it gave an explanation he could wrap his head around. But when something he didn't understand or explain happened he always tried to reasonably put the blame onto someone. That someone just tends to be who else was with him. Even hard evidence against his accusation did little to rest his mind.

It had gotten worse over the years, working at the institute had started to help. Sure the stuff he knew was real was terrifying and he wished it were not, hense his dismissal of the cases, but they gave explanations. It gave him an odd sense of calm, knowing that. But the second something happened that he couldn't explain, something that just possibly could have been one of his coworkers, he fell deep into a rabbit hole of mistrust and dishonesty. His pariona got so bad, he knew it affected his coworkers in negative ways, because they told him. Tim expressly got fed up with his actions.

In the time Tim and himself had been stuck John had started to try and think his way through his paranoia. That was hard when his tactic was to blame something and the only thing he could think of at first was the one he was trapped with. But eventually he noticed his parinona of Tim go down. It really started when he noticed how sick Tim had gotten. It sprung something in his mouse brain that it just couldn't be Tims fault, Tim was sick and needed help. It started to override his paranoia.

At least of Tim. Everything else though was fair game. The vent? Something was in it. The wall? More worms.

There were multiple nights where John stayed up and checked every coroner of the room for something, anything. But night after night he found nothing.

Now everytime he had some paranoid thought about Tim it seemed so much easier to work through it. It was a nice change, being able to work through it.

And now Tim was running warm water and slowly wiping John's own blood off of him. Honestly John was surprised Tim didn't just leave him sitting there on the floor in his own panic bubble. But distantly, he knew Tim wouldn't do that, couldn't. Tim was so kind, even when they yelled at each other Tims concern for John seemed so obvious. Though the anger and everything, it was still clear Tim was worried about John. Just like he was worried for everyone else.

John could feel the warm cloth down his arm, it was soothing. Tim was still holding his nose, it must have been getting annoying.

So John lifted the arm Tim wasn't currently working on and tried to take the cloth himself. His eyes were still closed but he could swear he heard Tim jump when his hand touched his.

“ i can hold it..,’’ John said quietly. It felt like talking too loudly would break whatever was happening right now. And John didn't want that.

—------------

Tim was in fact shocked when John's hand grabbed his own, he was so focused on trying to get the blood off with only one hand that it caught him off guard.

But he let John hold up the cloth and was finally able to use both hands. John's breathing had evened out a lot, Tim hadn't noticed at first but as he worked he could feel John taking long deep breaths. It was the first time Tim had actually seen John even try to self regulate.

That was one thing about John that pissed Tim off, it always seemed as though he just let his pariona dictate everything. He never even seemed to try and reason anything, just letting the fear take over and start running everything. It was good to know John COULD chill himself out a bit.

Tim continued to wash John’s arm off before rinsing the cloth and continuing. There really was a lot of blood, it was suppressing John hadn't fainted or something. Sure when he stood he was wobbly as all hell but being dizzy was expected.

The two of them stood in silence for a while, Tim at one point lifting John's free hand up to hold the cloth so he could clean the other but it was a comfortable silence.

John's eyes, despite still being closed, looked much more relaxed than just a few minutes prior. Granted the dark circles that came with a broken nose were starting to show, Tim frowned at that even after his nose had healed those bruises would probilly stay there for quite a while. Tim thought about it for a second longer, overall they weren't too much different from John's massive eyebags he had all the time. Given the nights Tim knew he had been staying up just walking around the room muttering to himself.

That was another thing about John Tim noticed, he talked to himself a lot. Not in a creepy way like in movies, ok well sometimes, but mostly it felt like he was just trying to think. Like just saying his thought process out to make sure it sounded right. There was once he had heard one of John's tangests when he thought he alone and John had said something, stopped and said “well that didn't make sense” it was quite funny. Probably would have been funnier if Tim hadn't been so upset with him at the time.

Only when John's arms were clean did Tim break the silence.

“Here John, your arms are clean. Lemme see if the bleeding stopped.”

John still didn't say anything, just wincing as Tim pulled the bloody rag away from his face.

Tim winced, “Ya…no keep that there im gonna get some toilet paper.”

As he walked away Tim heard John mutter something under his breath so he wheeled himself around on his heel. He felt himself getting angry, he was trying to help him and John was still making comments and shit?? God this was why he stopped respecting him, all his damn paranoia and bullshit.

“What.” It wasn't really a question, whatever John’s answer he wasn’t going to like it. So technically it could be considered a trap.

John of course didn’t notice the massive shift in Tims face as his eyes were closed, but he did hear the change in his voice.

“Thank you, I said, this hurts, a surprising amount actually. I don’t think I’d know what to do if you weren’t helping me….so thank you”

For once, for once in the entire damn time Tim had known him, John said something right.

Tim immediately felt stupid for getting mad so quickly. He might not understand what the hell John’s switch up was about but it pissed him off.

“Right.”

Even if he was wrong he was still annoyed, none of this made sense, if anything John suddenly tried to help him or whatever this upset him more. Hell the only reason he was helping him right now was because he panicked once he heard the crack of John’s nose.

—-------------

John held his nose until Tims bigger hands pulled his own away. Quickly John felt the wads of toilet paper touch him as Tim tried to shove them up his still bleeding nose.

As it stood, his nose still hurt like hell evidently. So John flinched hard, abruptly pulling back from Tim. Even more unfortunately, the sink he was leaning most of his weight on was not big. So when he flipped back he had thrown his weight into….well nothing.

All the shit people said about falling in slow motion, was in fact just that, shit. John didn't have any time to process he was even falling before he felt Tims arms wrap around his waist. John by all definition was a small man, he knew that, but when Tims arms were so solidly wrapped completely around his waist he /felt/ small.

“Shit! Fuck I'm sorry are you good? Well obviously not, fucking duh. Shit here, Im just gonna….uhh…I'm gonna get you over on the chair that way you don't rocket yourself on the floor ya?”

Johns face was burning again, strangely not just around his nose, but it must have been from irritating it. He made and tried to help make it at least not a struggle to move him, which was hard considering his legs were not planted on the ground, tangled between Tims.

Somehow Tim was able to move him without ended with both of them on the floor. John's only real thought during the short journey was that Tim didn't radiate heat like most did, he wasn't cold per say but he missed the warmth someone would expect.

“Damn you're warm, you know that?”

“Hmm?”

John was pulled from his thought by Tims comment’ “I think you’re just cold”

Tim sat John down on the wooden chair.

Tim rubbed the back of his neck with his hand, “ nah I think it's you”

John hadn't realized it but he had finally opened his eyes. His own arms weren't covered in blood thanks to Tim. Tims arms however were not so clean. He had been trying to help John stop freaking out and gotten blood, John's blood, all over him.

“Oh shit! Right, you're still bleeding; give me a sec!”

John honestly hadn't noticed his nose still leaking blood down his face until Tim reminded him, he lifted his hand to catch the blood but before his could Tim was back and stopping him.

“Put your damn hand down. I just cleaned your amsnup I don't need you fucking that up already. Ok it looks like I set it ok so it should be good.”

“Ya did hurt a lot by the way”

“Ya I know, I'm sorry. I mean if you would have rather it healed in the wrong place we could have left it but I figured if I just did it then…” Tim trialed off, he had an odd look on his face.

“ No no,that was uh fine. It hurt though. How did you know to do that? I figure it's not something you just picked up from tv….at least I hope not.” John tried to joke, but he really really hoped that Tim didn't just do that just because of a bad tv show.

“Haha ya, I umm, I broke my nose quite a lot as a kid so I learned how to handle it. If I'm being honest I did originally try it because of the show…it was a really bad cop sitcom that I watched all time.”

“You watched sitcoms?” It genuinely caught John off guard, he expected Tim to watch a bunch of horror or something like that.

“There a problem with that?”

“No no of course not, I just… didn't expect it”

—------------------

As they talked Tim noticed that it seemed to draw Johns attention away from his injury. Would he normally talk about stuff like this to him? No of course not, hell if he tried John probably would have had a paranoid delusion about it or something and accuse Tim of being a clone or some shit like that.

But if tim helped keep him calm, and he wasn't going to freak out over it, fine.

He started to clean Johns face as he talked. He tilted John's face back and actually managed to get the paper in his nose without a mass spasm this time.

“Ya, normally it's not my kind of thing but I watched it a lot when I was younger. The….uh..guys I hung out with could tolerate it and it didn't make me cry so it was always on. Heh, I love the show. It's actually pretty funny, not accurate but I get enough action with cops nowadays that I don't need accuracy about ‘em” Tim laughed.

He could see John's smile, Tim distantly thought it would be better without all the blood.

“That's…nice. ,my grandmother wished I would get into a show. It could never keep my attention for long. I was better with books.”

This was weird, this entire thing was weird. John being civil and…nice. The two of them talking casually about things Tim had never told anyone. It wasn't like Tim was telling John everything that was part of it but John now knew more than anyone else and it was so casual. The two of them had been stuck in this place for what, 2 weeks now? And now here the two of them were, talking after Tim had broken his nose.

“Never had the time to read books, I uh, got busy alot so shows where a lot easier you know?”

“That's fair enough.”

Tim finished cleaning John's face and backed up,” there you go, you gonna have raccoon eyes for a while.”

John's head tilted to the side, holy shit he looked like a….a confused puppy.

“Racoon eyes?”

Tim laughed, he couldn't help it, “ ya when you brake your nose for the first time you get bruised around your eyes and they look like the face of a raccoon. It hurts but it looks cool once they heals a bit. I probably still have a picture of me with ‘em somewhere actually.”

John already had the circles forming around his eyes, they were gonna get a lot darker in the next few hours but they should clear up pretty quick.

“I see, well thank you for telling me. I'm sure it would have been quite a nasty shock to see that in the mirror with no warning.”

“Ooooooh ya” Tim laughed’ “ the first time it happened to me the guy who broke my nose had to burst into the bathroom to see why I was sobbing after I saw, God that was a daaaay. Hurt like a bitch.”

Tim saw Johns frown, he obviously saw the problem in Tims word and for a second Tim really thought he was going to ask and he would have to shut the entire conversation down because he fucked it up.

But instead John just kept it going, “ Well I'll try to keep my shock to a minimum to not startle you then.”

Tim smiled.

—------------

John saw the change in Tims demeanor when he had said that, if there was one thing John was good at t was avoiding conversations. Sure he was curious and a little worried but it wasn't any of his business. It was Tims life and childhood, whatever had happened he was fine now so there wasn't any need to push it.

It was then when John saw the blood on Tims shirt. It made Johns chest tighten, that was one of Tims favort shirts, and quite frankly one of the only peaces of clothing's he hadn't the moment well trapped in the room.

“Oh Tim your shirt…”

Tim looked down, apparently also having forgotten he was covered in Johns blood.

“Damn it! Oh fuck that sucks. I don't think I have another shirt clean…”

John had been cleaning what he could and for some reason it seemed that the cloths they put in the laundry basket occasionally got cleaned but it seemed to be at random times and if Tim said he didn't have another he didn't.

“Damn…I liked this shirt to. Ya think I’ll be able to get the blood out?”

Tim was back to rubbing his neck, like it was a nervous habit or something. Most of the blood has dried and because Tim’s shirt was a relatively light color there was little hope for it.

So John shook his head, “I think you got it on your neck…”

“Hmm? How the hell would I have gotten it on my neck??….oh..”

Tim pulled his hand from the back of his neck, and stared at it.

“Fuck.”

“You say that a lot.”

Tim’s eyes snapped back to him. Oh that was the wrong thing to say.

“Ya I do. Ya I fucking do John. You know why? Beacuse for the past two week I’ve been stuck in a freezing fucking room with my boss who suddenly 180ed how he’s acting and that’s fucking confusing. I’m cold all the time and every night I hear you walking around the room muttering to yourself about whatever the fuck you are, you have been insisting on feeding me and ahit when you never cared before. Hell apparently you wanted to feed me so fucking bad I broke your fucking nose and now I’m standing out in the cold open air well cleaning you up and now I have my only shirt covered in blood. I think I’m allowed to swear when all this shit keeps happening,” Tim took a deep breath breath

John was frozen in shock from Tims outburst. Sadly he wasn't done.

“No and you know what John? I have tried so fucking hard to bond with throughout my years working with you and all I was met with was a complete wall and hell later I was met with worse then a wall! All I got from you was distrust and a fucking staucker! We worked together for how many years before you became the head Archivest and you still thought I was some fucking monster! You took pictures of my house and I still was trying to give you grace but at every turn you just proved it was useless. What changed? Why the hell are you trying to be so fucking nice to me now?? I'd love to know!”

John sat silently staring up up at who had began rubbing his arms well pacing. He had no idea what to say, he knew after everything he hadn't treated Tim, or any of his staff really, well. Much less the respect they deserved. Tim had gone though the exact thing John had just with the extra stress of having to run through the tunnels alone. And still John treated him as a threat, he knew Tim and still was so cruel.

Tim had every right to be angry, to be hurt. And after everything he deserved to question John.

“I….I'm sorry Tim. For everything,” before he could continue Tim turned on him again.

“Your /sorry/?! Your sorry that you completely disregarded everyone and pushed all of us to our wits ends. Your sorry for all the nights where we tried to stay late to help you with whatever you thought was going on? The multiple accusations you threw around without a second thought? Your sorry? Are you fucking kidding me John!”

John flinched and looked away from Tim. All the softness and concern drained from his voice and expression.

“Yes…I'm sorry. I…nothing I say will fix it…I was to deep in my own parking and could never stop to think about you all,” John whispered.

He heard Tim scoff but he stayed quite.

“I…thank you for trying so hard Tim…I didn't..don't, deserve any kindness your understanding from you. I know before this all I was not the best ether, I'm sorry for that as well. I can't tell you what changed..I don't even remember when it did. Just after we got locked in here….I was able to stop thinking about you like that. It seems so obvious now that you couldn't, wouldn't have done anything, especially not this. You wouldn't lock me in a room with you, you wouldn't let yourself get sick…you stuck in here too. I saw how you got sick, the least I could do after everything was at least try to help..”

—-------

Tim let his arms drop. He had screamed at John and instead of fighting him, John was apologizing.

He looked so…sad? Remorseful? Guilty?

Good.

He should feel bad, after all the shit he put Tim through.

As John sat there Tim could feel all his anger leave him,it was like a weight off his chest. Without the weight he felt empty, like he had nothing to keep him going. To keep him standing.

God it was cold.

So Tim sat. He looked up at John whose head shot up when he heard something hit the ground. Damn it, he really was worried about him.

He sighed.

“Keep talking,” Tim said as he pulled his knees to his chest and rested his head on them.

“W-what?”

“Just keep talking, I'm…I can't be mad any more John, I'm too tired right now. Anything you want to tell me, tell me now. The quiet is too loud.”

Tim stared at the wall. It hadn't changed at all, still a plain, windowless, slab of cold concrete. He could hear John's breath.

“Right then. I suppose I can do that. When do you want me to start?”

Tims mouth was covered in the curled up position so even to him his words were muffled.

“Don't care”

He cared a little bit, even if he didn't have the energy to be angry he still wanted to know. Granted what John already said was more then he had ever expected to hear. He wanted more, apparently John was going to give it so he would take what he gave.

“Right. Well, you know this part already, after Martin found Gertrude's body I spiraled into a panic trying to figure out what happened. I'm still convinced that someone, or at least something killed her…but I was so far in the panic everyone seemed suspicious, no matter how much evidence I had. I needed something to blame, a reason that wasn't just some random thing killing her in a way she had no chance of stopping. I…I felt I needed to know so I could stop it happening to me. You all were the people closest so I…I blamed you. Even if it didn't make sense.”

Tim knew that, it was obvious to everyone honestly. Everyone except John himself of course, Tim supposed it was good for John to finally realize it to.

“If I'm being honest….I wanted it to be one of you so I could prove to myself that I can't trust people. But..I know it wasn't, you all, you all are good. I don't know how to approach any of you, even before all this. I'm so distant from everyone because I believed everyone was just…plotting. A Lot of the times I was right but I wasn't with you all. You all were genuinely trying to be kind to me and I refused to meet you. I'm sorry again.”

Tim hummed. He understood that train of thought, that everyone was bad and out for themselves. Hell he thought that for the longest time too, it was the only thing that kept him alive for years. He didn't notice when he stopped thinking that, was it when he found the Institute? Meeting Sasha or Martin maybe? He couldn't be sure.

Thankfully John continued after a brief pause. Tim heard the deep breaths he was taking.

“When we first got stuck in here I was still going down my rabbit hole, I don't know when I first was able to stop and think properly again. I think it was when you stopped pacing around the room, strted to hide in the blankets. I knew something was wrong and it….flipped a switch and suddenly I was just able to…trust you.”

Tim lifted his lead and looked at John, who was looking anywhere but him.

“You..you trust me?”

Silence.

Tim thought he was going to backtrack or ignore him but,

“Yes. I trust you Tim”

John finally looked at Tim.

The bruises around John's eyes were starting to darken and Tim couldn't help but start to laugh.

After everything, after Prentiss and all the fucking worms, the servalance tapes, everything. This is what got John to trust him. He decked John in the face not even an hour ago and now he was flat out saying he trusted him!

He could see the confusion on John's face but as his eye crinkled so did the starting bruises and it just looked so ...so funny on John. John who was always so serious and methodical and paranoid looked like he had a painted on bandits mask.

Tims laughter dubbed and he ended up laying back on the hard floor. John to his credit stayed quite as Tim laughed, just as he didn't when he yelled. But that didn't make it any less funny.

“Holy hell John,” Tim barely breathed out between bursts of laughter.

“You, you make no sense!”

—-----------------

Tim was still having with laughter as John processed what was going on.

He had no idea why Tim was laughing. Just a few minutes ago he was angry and yelling but now? Right after John told him he trusted him..did he think John was lying?

If he were less worried about Tims sudden for of laughter he would have given himself the moment to just enjoy the sounds. Later that night he would think about it and realize it was the first time he really heard Tim laugh. Not just he chuckles and short huffs, a real laugh.

When Tim finally called down he stayed laying on the floor. His breathing was loud and felt exaggerated but John didn't say anything.

“You know John, you have the strangest mind.”

More beats of silence

“Do…do you really trust me or are you just fucking with me John?”

Finally John was able to say /something/.

“ When have I ever “fucked with you”? I am of course I do trust you I wouldn't just say that…”

Tim chuckled again, “ it's just odd John, I was so angry at you a bit ago but now, now I just ... .God I don't know.”

John sat there confused and frankly a little concerned.

The both of the sat there, John could feel the tissue in his nose collecting blood and it was weird.

“Hay John…”

John looked at Tim immediately.

“Yes?”

“You're a real prick, you know that?”

Although he was insulting him Tims voice didn't have any anger in it anymore, not as far John could tell. Then again John was shit at telling somehow knew. Not John.

“I..yes I am aware.”

Tim groaned

“ God you sound like one too! Seriously you need to lighten the fuck up and learn how to talk without sounding like a English teacher.”

“I think the way I talk is just fine,” John said defensively. His arms crossed over his chest.

“No, no you really do. I swear you give me flashbacks of falling asleep in 10th grade English. It's crazy,” Tim was still laying on the floor and while John couldn't see it, was smiling.

“Well perhaps the reason you think it's odd is because you were napping while being taught proper language.”

“Na, you're just weird. Also no one just says ‘perhaps’ John. Nobody.”

Tim finally sat back up. He leaned back on his hands and looked at John. He sighed.

“I'm sorry John.”

What? What could you be apologizing for? I-”

“Cuz I just started fuckin yelling at you man. You didn't even do anything and I just blew off on you,” John was about to interrupt but Tim held up his hand.

“I mean I had every right, have, for that matter, to be angry but I just blew up on you when you were probably just trying to mess with me. Fuck I broke your nose and then cleaned you up and then yelled at you! Here I am going on about mixed signals and doing it myself! It wasn't fair. I'm sorry.”

“Um, thank you?”

“Was that a question?”

“I…No?”

“Why are you just asking questions? I'm trying be sincere here man.”

“I know I just, I don't know what to do. I, I am not used to being apologized to..”

“Martin says sorry to you all the time?????”

“Well, ya, but that's ,Martin. He apologizes for everything, even when he's done nothing wrong.”

Tim agreed and laughed a little.

“I suppose that's true. But ya John, I should've, I should've handled it better. Especially cuz I just broke your nose well you were trying to do something nice to me.”

“I did catch you off guard. You can't be fully to blame.”

Tim laughed again. John felt himself smile. He didn't quite understand what was going on or how Tim reacted but he liked that he seemed calmer. He seemed calmed then he had been since the two of them had been trapped. John didn't want to ruin that. Tim deserved a moment of calm.

Then Tim had a full body shiver. It snapped John out of his semi-daze.

“Are you alright?”

“Fuck ya I'm fine,” Tim was rubbing his arms again.

It must have been a trick of the light but John could have sworn Tims lips where blue.

“I'm just a bit cold. Its fucking freezeing in here.”

“You should lay back down, maybe eat some more.”

“Oh shut it. I'm fine. It's just a bit cold. It's not like the floor is helping any though.”

John went to stand up, but when he did it felt like a rush of dizziness and nausea ran though his bones. He quickly sat back down. His eyes squeezed shut trying to stop the room from spinning around him.

“Oh shit, John.”

He felt Tims strong hand on his shoulder holding him up to prevent him was falling forward.

Strong hand? Why was he thinking that. It's just Tims hand.

“Hey, it's ok. Just breath, Itll go away soon.”

John nodded. He reached his hand up to hold Tim's arm he took deep breaths and slowly he could feel the world righting itself around him.

When he finally opened his eyes Tim was right in front of him kneeling on the floor. His arm reached him stabilizing John and the other rested on the chair, just shy of touching him.

Tims eyes were on his, the brown color piercing into Johns.

“You ok there John,” Tims said softly.

His voice was always so smooth, it never sounded bad. Tim was so close to him.

John nodded, he opened his mouth but when nothing came out he closed it again and looked away from Tims concerned eyes.

“You lost a shit ton of blood you know, you really should be more careful. You, of all people, should know about the dizziness man.”

“Right, I was just trying to-”

“Ether way man,” Tim interrupted “You can't be fucking stupid. Come on, I'll help you to lie down.”

“I can walk just fine on my own.”

John was trying but Tim had other plans. He slid his arm under johns and lifted him to his feet. John's head swam as he rose.

“Every time you have tried to walk in the past, however I've been out of my blankets you've almost fallen so I don't wanna hear it.”

Tim walked John over to his pile of blankets. Not Johns little spread but Tims own.

“And before you start bitching about this being my…. pile, I broke your nose and you lost a lot of blood, you need to stay warm. You can use my stuff tonight.”

As Tim sat John down he was able to catch up with what he was saying.

“What about you? I gave you all these because you've been shivering all night.”

“John….have you been watching me sleep.”

It didnt really sound like a question but John answered it anyway.

“Well it's not exactly hard to notice. I uh, I don't sleep a lot. I spend a lot of time trying to find something but I do….check on you occasionally. You shiver a lot so I have been giving you any new blankets that appear. I don't really need them.”

Tim stared at John. He could tell if he was angry or not, he looked almost passive. Well he wasn't holding John any more he could still almost feel a chill coming off of Tim. The little bit of his arms that were exposed were covered in goosebumps.

That's one thing John never understood about Tim, his style. He would wear a lot of more revealing clothes, nothing too scandalous during work but he seemed to be wearing it under his clothes.If John sent him to get information he always came back to the institute…wearing less then when he left. Right now, he was wearing one of his only long sleeves he currently had. The only problem was that his sleeves had holes at the shoulders. The shirt was designed like that. And it's not like it looked /bad/ on Tim, it just defeated the point of wearing long sleeves.

John realized he was staring at Tims shoulders and looked back up at Tims face. They both knew he was cold and before John could start to object Tim did something completely unexpected.

“Ugh fine. I don't want to hear a word from you about this. Got it? You did this yourself and the only reason I'm doing it is because your right about me being cold. Its fucking freezeing in here and it's crazy your not frozen to death with the week ass scratchy piece of cloth that we have been calling a blanket.”

Tim shifted to sit next to John and layed down.

“Well come on, I'm not going to sit with the cold air hitting me for much longer.”

John didn't say anything and lied next to Tim on the thick comforter he had pushed over the concrete floor to protect from the cold. Tim quickly pulled the other 4, yes 4, blankets over the two of them.

“There, now you can't complain.”

John nodded and watched as Tim curled his body so all of it was under the covers, even his head.

��————

Tim felt John shift around for a minute before finally laying still.

The blankets were big enough to cover both of them easily so it wasn’t like they were touching or anything but they were still quite close. He could feel John’s warmth under the blankets, his body heat being trapped in.

Tim had to admit it was really nice, the blankets helped but having John right next to him helped even more with the cold that continued to seep through him. He wished he could have John just fold around his body so he could soak up all his warmth. But that was asking way /way/ too much. He didn’t even ask about this, he just forced John to lay down somewhere that wasn’t on the freezing concrete.

He really did feel bad about snapping at John today. He felt justified in his anger but just because he was justified in it doesn’t mean it was appropriate. Over the past few days John really was just trying to help him, he kept insisting that he eat and he kept giving Tim his blankets.

It was really sweet when he stopped and thought about it, he could take a form of comfort in that. He also took a not so small comfort knowing John was right next to him. He could feel his warmth and feel the blankets shift as he did.

And even though Tim was always cold he usually held one tight against his chest. He just couldn’t sleep without holding something, when he was home he had a stupid stuffed animal that he would hold at night but here he didn’t. Any semblance of comfort Tim useily took part in was gone, for now and the foreseeable future. But he could at least have this for now, even if it was only for tonight.

Maybe he could convince John to sleep like this more. He thought as he curled even more into himself and tried to fall asleep.

That’s for what I thought would be a good chapter 1!

I do have more written and I am continuing to wright it:)

Should I start posting this to Ao3 now or should I wait?

I love feedback and suggestions!

If you want to be tagged when I post about this fic let me know and I’ll try! :)

Thank you so much for reading!

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

ZMAN CHEIRUSEINU aka "I'M the terrible communicator!?!?!?!!"

Dear Future Husband,

I hope nobody ever quizzes me on this blog because there are so many things that I've started and stopped writing that never got posted that I literally never remember what I've actually put here...

Not that that's really fully relevant to what I was thinking about writing now, but I currently have two unfinished posts in my drafts folder (amidst 25 others that will probably never get posted) that are just a recap of this year so far.

Because I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare.

Explaining what's going on right now is kind of problematic because I haven't provided the lengthy backstory yet (which is one of the drafts I have yet to finish...)

Suffice to say, MotherLivelyHeart is being a nightmare to me again.

I think I've shared before that MLH and I share a vehicle? If not... yeah, we share a car. I'll have to look through my posts to see if I've explained that situation before, because that's one more thing to check off the "my life absolutely f*ing sucks" list.

Usually this isn't the worst thing in the world because we operate on different schedules and there isn't much crossover when it comes to who needs the car when, and when there is I usually drop her off somewhere, do what I need to do, and pick her up after.

For the record, I HATE when she offers the opposite because I have a history of being abandoned in places waiting for her to pick me up and it gives me such severe anxiety.

So last week on Sunday I asked MLH what her plans were for the next day. I asked this because I overheard a phone call she received on Friday from the dentist's office about an appointment she had on Monday at noon that she hadn't told me anything about and I knew if I was going to ever find out she was going to take the car, I would have to be the one to ask her. So I asked. And wouldn't you believe it, she had a dentist appointment on Monday at noon! Shocker.

Now, I'd been out of work since the beginning of January (again, details will hopefully be in another post) so I had a lot to take care of at work last Monday and I told her that.

We agreed she would have the car for her appointment and I would take the car to work when she got home.

Come Monday afternoon, suddenly everything has changed.

You see, her boss called in sick and she had the day off because she has a specific job that requires her to work alongside her boss and if he doesn't work, she doesn't work.

So she had the day off. Joy.

Of course, did she tell this to me directly? No.

Did she message me this information? No.

I'm just supposed to approach her and ask, "hey, did your boss call in sick and give you the day off?" I guess.

So she went to her appointment and ran some errands and called me while she was still out. Apparently some specific water bottles she can only get in like two places were available at one store about 20 minutes away from our house and she placed a pickup order so she could get them before they were sold out. The order had to be picked up between like 2:30-3:30pm and she called me at around 1:30.

Great.

She picked a pickup time that was directly during the time I was supposed to be at work.

Which she knew.

Because I told her this literally the day before.

So I told her fine. She should do the pickup order and when she got back I would take the car to work.

"Well, I also wanted to go swimming."

*Deep breath* Ok, what time is swimming?

"From 2-9pm."

At this point I didn't know how long I'd be at work because one of the things I had to take care of could be like 4-6 hours and I didn't know if there would be enough time when I was done to get home and let her get to the pool with enough time to swim before they closed.

"Ok, well why don't you go swimming, do the pickup order, and then I'll take the car to work?"

"Well, I want to come home and eat something first."

Ok. So now, what was supposed to be my time to take the car is going to be "stolen" by her coming home (15 minutes), eating something (15 minutes), going to swim (40 minutes), getting the pickup order (30 minutes), and coming back home (20 minutes).

This is TWO HOURS off of my time.

WHICH I HAD TOLD HER I NEEDED LITERALLY THE DAY BEFORE.

So she came home, ate something, and changed into her bathing suit. She left around 2pm for the pool.

I assumed at this point I'd hear from her around 3:30pm that she was around the corner.

But 3:30 came and went.

4:00pm came and went.

4:30pm came and went.

5:00pm came and BigSis messaged that she would be done at work in an hour and could either of us give her a ride home?

MOTHERF@*$%^#$ER

So it's been three hours without an update from MLH, but then she responds "I should be on my way back from the pickup order then."

EXCUSE ME!?!?!?!

She left for the pool at 2pm. THREE HOURS have gone by and she hasn't even gotten the pickup order that was supposed to be picked up between 2:30-3:30pm!?!?!?!!?!?

But she tells me that I'M a terrible communicator.

I was supposed to get the car by 1:30pm latest. It was now after 5pm and I STILL hadn't gotten to work yet.

As much as I hate when she offers to drop me off at work so she can take care of things that will take a few hours, SHE DIDN'T EVEN ASK ME THAT. She made it seem like I would have the car all afternoon to take care of what I needed to at work. And when her plans shifted, she made it seem like I'd have the car by 3:30pm latest.

And let me remind you THAT I TOLD HER THE DAY BEFORE WHAT MY SCHEDULE WAS SO THAT THIS S*** WOULDN'T HAPPEN.

But I'M the terrible communicator.

At that point I was so frickin annoyed already. MLH messaged me "should I get her or just come home" and I was so peeved I said "just get her because if you come home and I take the car I'm not picking her up."

She didn't respond to that message.

Great.

No thumbs up. No "ok." Just nothing.

Then at 6:12pm I get a message from her "car's downstairs in front."

So no message from BigSis that MLH had picked her up and they were heading home. No "we're around the corner." No nothing except over an hour later "take it."

BUT I'M THE TERRIBLE COMMUNICATOR!?

At that point it was too late for me to do some of the things I needed to take care of for work because, again, I was supposed to have been there FIVE HOURS EARLIER. And a friend messaged and asked if I could go with her to Costco, so I said to hell with it and I went to Costco with her.

While I was at Costco I messaged both MotherLivelyHeart and BigSis about what I was getting so we were all on the same page. Included in that message was eggs because, well, I was getting eggs.

I got home at like 10pm and MotherLivelyHeart and BigSis were already asleep. I made a couple of mini salami kugels with some spinach that oddly floated to the top, waited for them to cool, tried 1/4 of one before sticking them in the fridge.

Next morning I open the fridge and there's a new carton of 1.5 dozen eggs. Because apparently MLH went to the supermarket early in the morning and got eggs because "we were out."

DESPITE ME LITERALLY MESSAGING THE NIGHT BEFORE THAT I WAS BUYING EGGS AT COSTCO.

Oh, but it gets better. Because the salami kugel I had tasted the night before was missing.

BigSis was working from home so I asked her about it and she said she had no clue.

So I asked MotherLivelyHeart about it, thinking maybe it slipped out of the fridge, smashed, and she threw it out.

But no.

Guess who ate it.

Yep, the woman who has been suffering from gout and avoiding meat for the better part of a year.

The woman who saw it in the fridge and said to herself "oh, that's one of the broccoli kugels LivelyHeart made for herself for Shabbos that she said wasn't good. I guess I'll eat that for breakfast without asking her if she really doesn't want it because although she's on a weird diet right now, there's no way she's made a meal plan for herself that includes this food item she made for herself."

Because, did she message me to ask if she could have it?

Nope.

Did she knock on my door to ask if she could have it?

Nope.

Halfway through eating it she realized it was salami.

And she still finished the whole thing.

And still at NO POINT did she message me AT ALL to even tell me that she ate it.

I had to find out by inquiring OF HER.

BUT. I'M. THE. TERRIBLE. COMMUNICATOR!?!?!?!

I shouldn't be mad.

It's just food, after all, right?

Except that it's not.

It's a frickin pattern of carelessness and disregard for me as a person.

And I'm so frickin sick of it.

I'm so damn tired.

It wouldn't have killed her to ask.

It wouldn't have killed her to apologize.

And what I haven't really explained here (because again, that's in a draft post) is that I've been on an elimination diet since January 1st which has cut most things from my available food selections.

But is she on an elimination diet?

Nope.

So we have a HOUSEFUL, a PANTRYFUL, and a FRIDGEFUL of food she can eat.

And she chooses the ONE thing I made FOR ME.

Which she KNEW I made for ME.

Instead of the MYRIAD OF THINGS that she can eat that I can't.

Which means that she's not only taken a meal from me, but now I'm at a food deficit from the fridge while she lives in abundance.

BUT. I'M. THE. TERRIBLE. COMMUNICATOR.

So let's leap forward to today.

Today was Shabbos mevorchim. Pesach is in two weeks.

And MotherLivelyHeart decided we are going to change over the kitchen two weeks ahead this year.

So she scheduled her cleaning lady to come tomorrow (Sunday) to help clean the kitchen so it can be turned over.

Did she take into account that this would be motzei Shabbos and that we'd have to make Shabbos and that would involve dirty dishes and use of the stove/oven and pots and pans?

Yeah, no.

Did she take into account that the way she wants to clean the oven requires the oven to be self-cleaned before and after which takes a good several hours and creates so much smoke that we'd have to keep the windows open and also it's like 40F right now and she also wanted to go to sleep early because the cleaning lady is coming at like 8am?

Yeah, no.

BigSis went over the oven cleaning thing with her and she exclaimed "are you kidding me?! Then why am I having the cleaning lady come tomorrow?!"

BECAUSE YOU SCHEDULED HER WITHOUT CONSULTING US.

BECAUSE THERE WAS NO COMMUNICATION.

DO YOU SEE A FRICKIN THEME HERE!?!?!!?

Oh, but there's more. Because there's always more.

Thursday was another nightmare day for various reasons. One of which was that I ran errands with MotherLivelyHeart.

She scheduled an appointment for smackdab in the middle of the time I told her I'd be working.

YES. AGAIN.

And she wanted to drop me off at work and pick me up when I was done.

Well absofrickinlutelynot, thankyouverymuch.

I was supposed to work until 6pm.

I had told customers I would be available until 6pm.

Her appointment was scheduled for 6pm.

So of course "I need the car at 5:30pm."

She wanted to drive me to work earlier so that she could take the car at 5:30pm to her appointment that wouldn't be done until 7pm and then come get me an hour and a half after I was done working.

But I was supposed to trust that she wouldn't run errands or dilly dally around and that she'd actually get me at 7:30pm, which we know is never the case.

So I told her no, I'd be taking the car to work. But I would notify the customers I'd only be there until 5:30pm, at which point I'd get her and drive her to her appointment. Then while she was in her appointment I could do the Shabbos shopping, since it seemed pointless to have to wait for her to come home again before I could go out and shop.

For various reasons, we had three stores we needed to go to, one of which was about 20 minutes in the opposite direction of where her appointment was. I figured I could go there first, then on my way back to get her I could run by the other two stores, get her and then we'd go straight home.

But no.

Because it was raining and people apparently don't know how to drive in the rain. So despite me taking the highway, which should have cut like 10 minutes out of the ride each way, it took me about 30 minutes to get to that first store, which I was in for maybe 10 minutes, and as I was checking out MLH messaged "my appointment is almost over, where are you at?"

So all I had time for was turning around and going straight to get her.

Which, fine, whatever.

One of the stores we went to literally just for chicken.

And it was chicken for her because she wanted a specific type of breaded chicken for Shabbos.

So I figured I'd run into the store and grab it while she stayed in the car.

But no.

Because while I was unbuckling, she was unbuckling. Because she decided to come in.

So she went to look at side salads and I went to the chicken section where I waited but she never showed up.

Then I get a message from her.

"Where are you?"

Excuse me???? WHERE ARE YOU, WOMAN???

I told her I was at the chicken section waiting for her and she said "I already checked out. I'm going back to the car."

WE LITERALLY WENT TO THIS STORE TO BUY HER CHICKEN.

SHE CAME IN WITH ME.

PRESUMABLY TO BUY HER CHICKEN.

But she's checked out already!? WITH WHAT!?

Oh. Apparently something to eat. Because she's hangry.

Which she, OF COURSE, DID NOT TELL ME.

Fine. Whatever.

So I bought her frickin chicken.

And then on the way home she got mad at me about three driving-related things that were out of my control (like the car started making a weird noise that might be the muffler, and there was a huge pothole I couldn't avoid, and I was coming to a stop at an intersection when some lady rounded the corner quickly and we barely missed colliding...) which resulted in her yelling at me that she hates the way I'm driving.

So, yeah, that was a fun ride home.

*EYEROLL*

Anyway, on the way to her appointment she said "we never worked out a Shabbos menu."

I told her the same thing I've told her almost every week over the last three months: I'm eating differently from you guys, so you just tell me what you want and I'll grab it from the store, because I already have set aside what I'm going to eat.

And she tells me "my boss has off tomorrow, so I can cook."

Which is perfectly fine in my eyes because I'm still recovering from an injury (again, that's one of the drafted posts...) and I also had a horrendous cold for the previous two weeks so I'm still trying to get back to baseline. Any pressure off me is appreciated.

We basically worked out that for shabbos we'd do a big soup for Friday night (which I would make), then she wanted chicken (obvs) and I had bought green beans at Costco I told her she could have, and then Shabbos lunch would be fish and salady stuff.

Well, Friday rolls around.

The day already sucked because I tried adding some vegetables back into my diet during the week that are apparently problematic for my digestion. Fun.

But then MotherLivelyHeart decides to stick to her arbitrary Pesach cleaning schedule which says to clean the milchig dishes she's had piling up all week. So of course she decides to do this at like noon and doesn't finish the job and there are still milchig dishes in the sink at 3pm when I need to go in and make the soup.

Add onto that, one of my "chores" is the pareve dishes, some of which have been piling up too and also need to be done, which she feels the need to remind me of, despite her milchig dishes still filling the sink.

So I go in around 3pm and just start cooking, using the small bit of counter space that's available to me.

She decides that's the perfect time to finish the milchig dishes.

FINE. WHATEVER.

She gets them out of the way and reminds me YET AGAIN about the pareve dishes.

FINEWHATEVER.

So around 4pm I'm back in the kitchen, doing the pareve dishes, of which I only got about half done because it was causing pain and I still had to cook.

So I pivoted and did the soup.

But nothing else had been cooked yet.

So I made the green beans.

And I had to separate the soups so I could add things to theirs that I can't eat.

At this point I'm still annoyed from her the day before, my insides are so unhappy with the newly tested foods, I'm in pain from the injury, and I'm trying to cook for Shabbos.

Around 6pm I asked BigSis if she could help with the chicken. She was like "I STILL HAVE TO SHOWER!!!" As though she didn't have all day for that and somehow me needing help is my fault. She said "if you had asked me like three hours ago I could have done it."

Except that three hours ago, the milchig dishes were still filling up the sink, so.... what exactly do you expect from me!?

Sometime a little earlier when MotherLivelyHeart had been in the kitchen it was clear I wasn't doing so well and she asked what was wrong and I described the pain and she was like "I'm sorry" and then disappeared.

So then she gets a "20 minutes to candle lighting" alarm on her phone, and she's been trying to light early in zchus of the hostages and chayalim, so she calls out "20 minutes to licht benchen." Which I responded to but she didn't hear, obviously, because she yelled again "LivelyHeart, did you hear me!?"

To which I responded an annoyed "YES!!" and she was like "you don't have to talk to me that way! I clearly didn't hear you. And BigSis and I can make Shabbos on our own, you know."

Which, MYGODWOMAN. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO.

My responsibility based on our conversation was the soup.

ZE HU.

SHE was supposed to do the chicken and the green beans and whatever else they wanted.

So now she's annoyed at me because I'm annoyed at her for not doing the thing she was supposed to do, but I'M the one in the wrong.

FINE. Whatever.

In the end I didn't do the chicken.

I literally didn't have the strength for it, let alone the energy.

Not that it was really missed at the meal, but she was a bit annoyed and gave me that same "BigSis and I can cook for Shabbos on our own, you know." To which I responded "You said you were going to cook." I literally don't even remember what her response was.

Well, fast forward through Shabbos to tonight because I asked her if she wanted the chicken for melava malka or if we should stick it in the freezer for a week since it's KFP.

She wanted it for melava malka.

Which, fine, whatever.

I told her if she could bread it, I would cook it.

She got gloves, she got bowls, she got the chicken, and she got eggs.

She did not get the other ingredients she needed for the breading. Or a plate to put it on. Or a fork.

She sat down at the table and then asked me to get the other ingredients.

Which, fine. Whatever.

I got an interesting piece of mail that I'll discuss in another post when I know more what's going on with it, but it basically called my attention to research something. So I was on my computer off to the side while she was breading the chicken.

The next thing I know, she's frying the chicken.

I went into the kitchen and asked her why she was frying it when I told her I would do it for her since cooking usually exhausts her, and she got all frustrated and exasperated at me and said something like "I DON'T HAVE ALL NIGHT TO WAIT FOR YOU."

And I was like, "what are you talking about!? I was waiting for you to finish breading it! you didn't tell me you were done!"

Which just pissed her off more.

BECAUSE. I'M. THE. TERRIBLE. COMMUNICATOR.

But this is the time of year we celebrate freedom, right?

This is the time of year we thank Hashem for rescuing us from a horrible situation.

Well, where's mine?

We're supposed to celebrate every year as though WE ALL left Mitzrayim.

As though we were ALL saved.

But I am not saved.

I have never been saved.

The stupidity I've just described above is just a piece of the insane patterning of my entire life.

I have no escape from this nonsense.

And I'm just so done with all of it.

I want it all to be over.

I want it all to go away.

Where's my freedom?

Where's my salvation?

I really have to finish those other two drafts, because this isn't even the clearest picture of what I've been dealing with since 2024 started. It's barely April and I just want this secular year to be over.

There are a couple of people who have suggested guys to me over the last several months and, although they're not really what I'm looking for, right now I just don't have the emotional energy for a new relationship. I'm just so burned out from this one that I deal with every frickin day of my stupid life, which of course I can't even tell these people.

So... dear future husband, I hope you can hang in there, because I don't know when I'll be ready for you.

But maybe by then I'll be a good communicator.

-LivelyHeart

And now for the story after the story:

So, after that disaster of a drive back from the store on Thursday night, we got home around 8:30pm and although she got something small to eat from that second supermarket I knew that MotherLivelyHeart hadn't eaten anything since lunch so when I made dinner for myself I made a second bowl for her. I brought it to her and she said "oh... you didn't have to do that." Not a lot of enthusiasm there.

She didn't eat it for about a half an hour, by which time it was probably cold, and the next thing I knew, she was in bed going to sleep without another word about how it was.

Now, I don't demand praise or feedback for anything I cook, but she usually makes a comment about whatever I make, so I found it odd that she was silent on the matter.

On Friday I went to ask her about something else and while I was talking to her I asked how her dinner was the night before and she said something along the lines of, "it was... interesting. ground chicken just doesn't cook well, it's not your fault. you prepared it well, it's just not that good. ground turkey is better."

No "thank you," no "it was sweet of you to think of me," no "I appreciate the effort especially considering that you're working through the pain right now."

Just meh.

I love when I'm appreciated.

[herotome]

Special Informal Devlog

Hi-ho, Wudge here! Aaaa. I missed the update last week... as we crawl closer and closer to release, it's become harder for me to write devlogs. I'm making progress every single day, and that makes me so frustrated that it isn't done yet, you know? 😭 Something something curse of perfectionism...

Anyway.

I thought I'd try something a little different with this post by chronicling a specific screen I've worked very hard on, from start to finish!

(Pictured: a preview of where we're gonna end up)

It all began on... August 2021?! Yowza, two years ago! When I posted a poll on tumblr and on itch about how I should handle flirt indicators. The votes were split 50/50 between two popular options, and I was able to surmise that yall would really, really love an option to toggle between the two.

It didn't take me long to figure out how to implement the toggle itself.

The following year (September 2022), I came up with the idea of putting in an illustrated tutorial on how my flirt indication system works - after all, poll participants had told me that they loved the idea and had never seen it before in other games. I was on a treadmill at the time, so I quickly doodled the idea on my phone. It looks like this:

Then when I got home, I did a rough pen draft to solidify the idea...

I worked on the digital version over the next 2-3 weeks, and asked my friends for help with editing the text to ensure clarity.

.... Then I took a looong break from the infographic to, uh.... write, edit, playtest the game, draw expressions for Griffin CG, draw expressions for the landlord, work on a new Clammy Lady sprite, playtest the game again, make all the characters blink, make the first glowing animation for Jade's powers, code in Griffin's CG expressions, stress about paypal making changes in my country, do concept art for upcoming npcs, write some more, playtest some more, draw a birthday picture for Dart, write devlogs every single week, make sure all my files were safely transferred to my new laptop before my old one completely died... etc.

So it was February 2023 by the time I came back around to try implementing the infographic in code :')

... It was functional, but no matter what I tried, I didn't like how it looked with everything crammed into one page.

... Then I got really sick... but after I recovered and did some more work (drawing, writing, playtesting, etc) I came back to the infographic with the intention to learn how to code pages in renpy.

Still didn't look phenomenal, but there's a whole lot more breathing room! This was in April 2023.

I took another "break" (worked on a million other things) and then... FINALLY... in late August 2023, just a few weeks ago, I had an art breakthrough!

I had garnered a better understanding of color and poses, and as a result my chibis became a LOT cuter! I was able to redraw most of them without too much hassle - whereas when I first started, it would take me all day to draw a single one.

I also drew custom heart icons (a plain heart, a golden heart, and a broken heart), figured out how to make text buttons look more fun and intuitive..

And here's where we're at now!!! I still need to draw eyes for Dart.... but I researched and absorbed a lot about screen compositions, and had a rather late realization that I could re-use backgrounds and assets I already have in the game.

That's it for the special edition. I'll update with more soon!

Stay safe and keep warm,

Wudge.

[themizarkshow]

When I gave notice on Monday, the bosses couldn't even find my work in Figma and didn't know how to enter the prototype mode. But 24hr later they are such experts that they can tell what I'm doing or not doing just by checking those files...

They ignored the fact that I take notes and draw wireframes on an iPad using Notability. I also write my UX Specs by hand before moving it over to Figma. Also, why even bother to ask if I have work going on in a draft vs the shared files which Devs & Testers are using to build a product! The cherry on top is why not ignore the fact that I log most of my hours overnight and am generally online during the day just to take meetings.

As a contract worker you pay me for the hours I worked. When I'm sick and take a day off I don't charge for it. But when I work over the weekend that means you get less of me the following week bc you don't pay overtime and I'm not a sucker doing work for free.

I would fight them about both sides needing to give the other a 2-week notice per the contract but I don't want to hear from them again. So I filed my last invoice, asked why they haven't paid the previous one, and removed myself from all their accounts (which I was an admin on, so you'd think they would have already done that before "firing" me).

I post about this mainly bc it's a good lesson for everyone: when working on contract, keep your work-in-progress separate from anything you've handed off. If I'd only worked in shared spaces they could have fired me without cause (as they just did) and not paid for any of the work I had in drafts (which I fully expect to be the next issue).

I've had this happen before and it sucks. Instead, if they want those drafts from me, it's on them to pay for it.

[fountainpenguin]

Your Beverly post (wow I have not thought on that show for years) suddenly made me try to imagine how she would interact with Chloe Carmichael. Any thoughts? (and prayers, let's be honest)

Yoooo! I wish we'd had a Bunsen Season 2 just so I could find out if they really were setting up a "Beverly backstabs Amanda and now she runs this show" plot. It's right there... C'est la vie!!

I've been sick this week and bingeing T.U.F.F. and Bunsen Is a Beast... Every time I've gone back to those shows after time away, I'm like "Wow, every line of dialogue is SO GOOD... I missed this so much." Insane amount of animatic potential for other fandoms.

I want to do the "Well, look what we have here... SOMEONE TO BLAME!" sequence (T.U.F.F. - "House Broken") with Dev and Peri so badly... It's so "Peri trying to sneak back into the Dimmadome household after the finale" coded...

I actually have a nice-sized liveblog post in my drafts that I was leaning towards not posting, but... Bunsen is so ridiculously close to my sense of humor and T.U.F.F. to the way I like worldbuilding for animal people that it's hard for me not to fawn over them, haha. I am cringe and free. Maybe I'll post that tomorrow.

I've always wanted to write a nice 'fic for each of my fandoms. I have a whole Keswick backstory I outlined years ago (centered around the canons of Keswick fighting his clone to the death, destroying his home dimension, striking a deal with The Chief for three-hearted bloodsucking rights, stuff like that).

It's one of those "I can't spend time on this without cutting into something more important" situations... C'est la vie! Life's too short, but Keswick cracks me up. What do you mean he killed everyone on his home planet and now he has a fear of being attacked by orphans? What do you mean he drops lines like "If I didn't work for the good guys, nothing I do would be legal." What do you mean his boss drinks his blood without consent? Hey!!

I have some other T.U.F.F. drafts that mainly revolve around Snaptrap and Larry being brothers-in-law (Canon, but only confirmed outside the show) and what that's done to their family, plus some other fun stuff with Chameleon and Meerkat... I might finish those because they were going to be quick one-shots anyway and they are ITCHING at me... We will see.

I just think Meerkat's sheer desperation to get in the cool kids' club despite it being painfully obvious he doesn't know his rights or why the other villains do what they do is really funny... Snaptrap, Birdbrain, and Chameleon know they're better off calling in to inform T.U.F.F. about their plans - because doing so legalizes breaking out of jail - but Meerkat doesn't know that's allowed... He waited out his whole sentence... I love him. I can't believe Wannabee got left to pull off a crime on his own because all his teammates had jury duty... He's just a little guy...

Also, I still love Mikey Munroe... He's my favorite. He is consistently mean and manipulative... That is a CHOICE for your protag, and it's fascinating. He's the epitome of "Looks like a cinnamon roll, but would kill you." I would've loved to see a Season 2 just for more Mikey. I ADORE him <3

The thing about Bunsen is that it is silly and goofy and it's just really funny to me. What do you mean Bunsen is regularly tempted to eat Mikey and he carries reminders that these urges are natural, but he needs to resist? what. excuse me?

Anyway, I'll have to post that liveblog... I just have feelings... I can't stop thinking about Dimmsdale and Petropolis being very heavily implied to exist in the same location, but in one of these worlds, the magical forest is held at bay and in the other, it's not, so it's grown out of hand and trying to eat people... I'm screaming.

ANYWAY! It's hard to wrap my head around Chloe and Beverly interacting, but I think you're onto something there- It's the "I've been working hard since I was a preschooler" energy.

But Chloe tries to be Lawful Good and Beverly is somewhere between Lawful Evil and Chaotic Evil, so they're gunning for completely different things.

I have a headcanon that at her first Fairy World Games, Chloe tries to play for the Anti-Fairies and Pixies because she feels bad for them. This gives me the same energy... Chloe feels bad for Bev and wants to help her.

I feel like Chloe would be hugely supportive of Beverly's attempts to enroll in middle school despite being a preschooler. She'd want to be her friend. Beverly is just nice enough that it's easy to overlook how unhinged she is. I feel like Chloe could easily be suckered into helping Beverly, and by the time she realizes "I'm the assistant of a child running the park like a dictatorship," she'd be in too deep.

Chloe has such "I try to see everyone in a good light" energy, and we know from canon that this gets her suckered into doing a lot of things she doesn't want to do. Beverly apparently has enough authority to organize a picket line (At least, she was the one who dismissed everyone after the picket was over), so...

I think Bev would run this show and Chloe would have a hard time getting untangled from that. Chloe is the right-hand man who would get excited when she sees the hero showing up.

"You came back!!" [following an argument where Chloe defended Beverly] and then she glances sideways at her boss. "I mean... Oh, no... We're about to be defeated..." (Said in the same monotone as "Oh no, I have tripped on my cape").

Insert joke about Amanda and Chloe having the same VA, so they can perfectly mimic each other's voices to confuse Bev :)