#i just got my first actual plant
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What the fuck happened to The Baby.
#/j#i just got my first actual plant#woo!!#//my neighbor gaveme thispiece of her cactus and I immediately thought of The Baby after planting it so#//i had to make this#pkmn irl
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every day im reminded that though my parents may have wanted a dog they clearly did not want to take care of a dog
#and i KNEW this which was why i insisted on not getting dogs though they keep trying to gaslight me#into thinking that i agreed on the dogs. i didnt and i wish id railed against it harder#because ill be honest i knew i didnt want to take care of a dog i wasnt in the headspace#but i also knew that if they got the dog that the actual caring duties would be foisted off to me#and the things that They would have to do ie go to the vet nd pay the bills etc theyd complain about and avoid#and thats one thjng. but oh my fucking god. my dad specifically#its like hes trying to get these dogs to die. we have several plants in the backyard#bad for dogs. i point them out. i have pointed them out Several times.#theyre his plants the gardens his thats none of my things. he just goes oh they wont get into them#THEYRE DOGS. but he doesnt want to move his fucking plants#one of the dogs is on medicine but has a habit of not eating his food in the morning#which means if u leave his medicine in hjs bowl the other dog might eat it#one solution is to give him the tablet straight. because hes good about eating it#he doesnt want to because 'thats gross'. Are you five fucking years old#the dog doesnt like the texture of dry food so another solution is to wet it#dad wont do that either because 'hes too spoiled' and 'it takes time' ONE MINUTE?????????#like i have to assume this is some kind of ploy to make me do it instead when i dont wake up that early#because if its not then hes truly just incompetent or doesnt care about the dogs#which brings me back to WHY DID YOU GET THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE.#im sick of having to worry about them when he just does shit like this its wasting my time and its wasting money#but ohhhh we dont want to give the dogs away theyre part of the family 🥺#CLEARLY. because apparently u wanted kids but didnt want to take care of them either!!#im pissed off!!! im tired!!!!!!!!#i need to know im not going batshit here for being pissed off!!!!!#the dogs are getting back to back problems and at least some of it would have been mitigated by oh.#i dont know. the bare minimum?????#at least if the plants had been taken care of i wouldnt have to wonder if theyd just gotten into them#or if its an actual problem like a mass or bite. but no now i dont know#and at this rate were going to waste money going to the vet every fucking week
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Sometimes I remember that my whole house was so obsessed with the show Merlin, that we named the first tree we planted in the yard Merlin.
When it was given to us 11 years ago it was hardly a scraggly stick, and now it looks like a giant bush
Artist rendition
#this is the first year it has like!! actual bark!!!#only the middle/ main trunk#I’m so emotional over this tree you guys don’t even know#he won’t stop growing branches on the bottom#so he just looks like a huge bush when leafed out#then another tree we planted the same year looks like a Maple Tree TM#I love all the trees in my yard#every day when it’s warm enough I tell them all they’re doing a great jobs#and one who burnt during a really hot summer didn’t grow for YEARS#but we didn’t give up on it#no sir#we cut off the burnt limb#we kept telling it that it was doing great#and last year!!! it finally started growing new twigs!!#it grew more than like 5 leaves!!!#and this year so far there’s already a LOT of growth!!!!!!#and one tree I got from a childhood best friend like 5 years ago has absolutely taken off#like holy hell#the tree was a sapling from the tree from her backyard#it was my favourite tree growing up#it’s were we were kids together#guys no you don’t get it#we slowly fell out of friendship and then years later she texted me#‘hey you know that one tree you used to love? do you want a sapling from jt otherwise my mom is throwing it in compost.’#‘she thinks you don’t care about this tree anymore but I know you do’#*sobs*#Spoofy tambles
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some enstars things ✨
#the last one i was just experimenting around with colors and stuff :3#enstars#ensemble stars#yuta aoi#kohaku oukawa#rinne amagi#hinata aoi#kaoru hakaze#kohayuta#yutakoha#yukoha#yuta x kohaku#kohaku x yuta#my art#context for the first one: rinne and hinata pkayed a prank where they pretended to steal an octopus (it was actually just a fake planted#there by them) and it was so convincing they almost got arrested^^
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I’m becoming who I’m meant to be, slowly.
I’m inhabiting my body as a home as I make it such that it is a home for me.
💖😌✨
Also it’s a lovely studio! Masks required, hepa filters running, quiet area, but still near a bus route, was quiet once some of the people left (my artist was also super surprised that all of the tables were in use when they arrived at the shop too!!) and even though we didn’t chat (they put in their faq basically that they often forget to chat so bring headphones or whatever to do while they work) it wasn’t awkward or anything. It felt like such a safe space and I adore it so much :) (and it’s more local to get to than the other one that I’m definitely also going to go back to too at some point hopefully this year) (yay local queer owned covid cautious studios!!!!!)
#shatters’ tattoos#shatters’ fragments#ok time to eat something else#bc it’s been a while since my last meal even if I took breaks while tattoo#had a juice box for the first break before we drew the plant in there#and then before we did my leg while they were printing out the design I had a granola bar and water#and then afterwards I had a chocolate bar and another juice box and water#and then for the buses home I just had some water between buses but considered if I wanted a fourth juice box today but I didn’t really#but now I’m a bit hungry#today was fucking WEIRD at first#like popping in real quick to work?!?#class!! which I’m actually SUPER EXCITED for and about its great so far#and then walked around with a classmate who’s probably now my friend and popped into a bookstore#but it was super hot by then too#so I went off to get close to the studio#and had sushi in the shade of the parking lot before walking over#and trying to like. drink water and stay hydrated before going in#was definitely intimidated by how many people were in the shop at first#they said that it was highly unusual for all chairs/tables to be in use at once#(and they own the place!!)#but it’s such a lovely and welcoming space tbh#I’ve been to the studio once before for a market#but this is the first time I’ve been while it’s set up as a tattoo studio (it’s usual use)#and it’s just so good 💖#truly made my day really nice at the end#finally got to cool down quite a bit once I was sitting still and then laying down for the tattoos#(…actually I’m a little annoyed I paid $9 for coffee this morning actually but alas anyway)#and it was just. SO NICE#similar vibes but like cozier than the other shop I go to#it has less tables and its more private and accessibility is a huge thing there
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Recent imageys
#photo diary#clouds of course.. always taking pictures of clouds lol. And a beautiful son going outside in his little box lol#he likes to sit in the sun. I don't like to take him out since he runs around trying to eat plants usually. But if I give him a box or some#specific spot to sit in then he'll usually just lay there and not be as antsy. Though still has to be constantly supervised. if I look away#for even a moment he instantly sees a Plant Eating Opportunity. Which he'll PRETEND he's just going to sniff it at first but as soon as#it's close enough to his face he's like 'HA! tricked you.. B I T E !!' =_=#also large strawberry. large dandelion. and heart shaped spinach leaf. All of these photo diary type images are thrown into one large#folder and I thought it was just an interesting occurence that there were three seperate similar looking pictures of me holding things#so why not also put them all next to each other. AND CHEESEHWEELS!!! The first time I've ever seen a large real cheesehweel#in real life... it's like meeting a celebrity... (< context is that i like to use cheesewheel imagery for certain things and in games I#always take screenshots anytime there's a cheesewheel. like I collected the cheesehweels in skyrim and had a basement full of#hundreds of them (not spawned with cheats. genuinely collected). and I name some of my game player characters 'cheesewheel' often (my mii#on the wii is named that. etc. etc.)). so truly exciting times indeed.... oh how I wish I wouldnt get in trouble with grocery store staff#if I were to pick one up off the counter and roll it around (I probably couldn't.. I tried to lift a corner of one and they seemed very#heavy). hrmm#Then also these little purple flowers I found growing wildly and thought they were very cute#And some pastrie type things from a bakery... which weren't that good actually. Only one of them was. but alas..#It was from a family event sort of thing so I didn't pay for them lol. still fancy LOOKing at least. even if not actually Good#Still have just been trying to write.. but I got my updated covid shot so I've been weird feeling and just resting grrrrghhh#Trying to get back to doing a few things.#giant cheesewheel give me strength and power...
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having an idea for a game but it's miles above your skill level
#personal#elevator pitch: point and click 2d art-heavy narrative driven game. mc is a scientist in a closed off laboratory in a post apocalyptic worl#player plays as the mc going through a daily routine consisting of taking care of a few patients that are dying of#the zombie plant esque disease that has wiped out humanity. working towards breakthrough day. on which they should#hopefully have managed to recreate the exact circumstances in which patient zero got turned#in hopes to reverse engineer it into a cure#solving puzzles along the way to open up new locations within the labs to piece together what exactly went wrong in the first place#and like!!!!!!!! i know i could do this. realistically i know i could put a game like this together but it's just#the dev heavy stuff that is stopping me because well i am just a game artist JHDGJFDKGJDFGKFDG#all the patients are in different stages of infection and it's all affecting them differently because of different variables#only one of the patients is actually fully lucid and can be spoken to on the daily#but then on breakthrough day they end up taking their own life JUST like patient zero did exactly a year ago#and it turns out that despite showing little symptoms on the outside the plants were taking root inside of them#which has been foreshadowed through earlier gameplay with the patient feeling itchy but not being able to scratch the itch#and on breakthrough day the flowers inside of them bloomed... and it was unbearable so they used the gun that they took#a year ago from patient zero's body (their colleague) to end it all. and THAT is what ends up turning them into a plant zombie#and the player has been working towards getting into the labs where it all started to find patient zero's body and like#get access to the logs of their last few days. and after the patient in the present has passed they listen to the logs#while the credits roll. and patient zero describes very similar symptoms in the logs. and they also couldn't have been saved#ig the patients in this could be some sort of metaphor for like. how illness doesn't always come with (the same) symptoms for everyone#and how even if it's not visible on the outside someone might be struggling a lot etc etc. something in that direction#anyway hi does anyone here see my vision. do you understand what i'm going for. anyway yes i hope i can make it reality one day
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On tumblr when you post you’re just playing Russian roulette with your post getting attention, but it’ll probably get ignored.
On Reddit any comment you make outside of some very niche community will immediately have someone downvoting you and calling you like, three different insults. Then they will wonder why you only log in every couple months. Like, it’s a very helpful website when you have a question for another community you’re in, but you’ll also get someone being immediately hostile when you make an innocuous post on a garden subreddit 😑
At least on tumblr people have to actually seek out your random ass text posts and go out of their way to start shit, and you don’t have the up and down vote system that feels like playing with my self confidence and worth issues.
Both websites are toxic part of the time (what social media isn’t?) and both are actually more useful for weird people, but holy shit does Reddit feel more aggressive about shit. Maybe it’s just the devil you know, but at least on this mess of a website half your hate will be for the most random shit and misunderstandings that people have to seek out finding if your blog is a normal size. Reddit is either posting on a dead sub or getting immediately thrown to the, well, sharks and wolves aren’t actually super aggressive towards humans under normal circumstances, so something else that could tear you apart instantly for just existing in the same space as them.
#emma posts#there’s a reason i stopped spending as much time on that site#multiple actually. but one of them is that website is like ‘rsd trigger simulator’#and tumblr is like ‘how dare you say we piss on the poor’#everyone is an idiot in both places. but one is instantly more volatile#it’s preactically on sight#other social media is mostly being used by me to post my art or talk to irl friends and family#some of those sites are wild. but not in such an instant way#provided you aren’t huge or have some internet hate stalker#my first deviantart account was wild like that. you phrase something awkwardly at the age of 13 and you suddenly have one or two 16ish year#olds stalking you and telling you to Kys and threatening your family#but that was in the old days. haven’t run into that in years#but seriously. whoever those people were. I hope you feel like shit about those past actions#especially because that 13 year old had made art and posts about her depression 😑#and irl bullying#I hope you got better. sincerely. but if not? die#jk. but still#actually. no. if you’re still telling people that sort of thing try it on yourself#i don’t have a twitter. I don’t plan on getting one. but I’ve heard that’s toxic too. but for the brief time I did try it years ago I was#just ignored by most people#I also like websites where you can share other posts with followers but that might be because one of my first socials was facebook#Facebook is still useful for local stuff. but it’s not as anonymous I guess#even on Facebook though it feels somewhat less ‘on sight’ attacking#but gods. the ‘piss poor reading comprehension’ website is so much more comfortable than the ‘dog piled for asking about a plant’ website#and the ‘just block them’ culture is so useful#i make a post on Reddit like ‘anyone know of houseplants that are like this?’ and have some dude downvote me and respond like#‘are we supposed to be your servants’ like dude. just ignore the post if you don’t want to answer the question#and I’m not touching anime subs with a 10ft pole#looked at one once and went ‘never touching that again’
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okay I severely misjudged spaghetti guy he’s actually just really cool
#okay so I came to this flat and he wasn’t here. greeted by a very dirty flat with shit all over the kitchen counters over cling film#I meet first my other flatmate who told me he stays in his room constantly bc of previous bad flatmates#has literally just a saucepan and some salt in the kitchen. so I’m like okay spaghetti guy potentially not great but could just be#how this guy is yknow#on Tuesday I get an email back saying he’s coming back from Norway tonight looking forward to seeing you feel free to use the kitchen sauces#rlly friendly message that I wasn’t expecting. I also didn’t know he’d been on a trip i just knew he wasn’t there bc his door was open#(to a REALLY nice room. multiple rlly nice plants (which he has little care labels for!!!) and it’s tidy and pretty#and he’s got a sheep teddy on the bed)#meanwhile I am in my own head bc I don’t wanna cook in the kitchen until I can clean it and I can’t clean it without moving his shit and#I haven’t seen him yet to talk abt it and I can’t bring myself to talk to him immediately bc I’m dying#and embarrassed as hell by how I’ve been cooking in my room with a microwave and air fryer (loud) and sneaking my shit out of the kitchen#but then yesterday I DO talk to him!! and he’s super friendly!! actually interested in having a conversation and Good at it.#and then he’s cooking and like. spaghetti burns but I’m not there for long and seems to be a mistake (he made the same thing for lunch today#and did Not burn the spaghetti) and is otherwise clearly competent bc the food smells Good and despite leaving a few things out it’s like#washed up stuff isn’t dirty and the sides are better despite still under cling film. more a case that he’s spread out than he’s messy#and now today we talked and i offered to hold onto some shit over summer bc complicated situation that boils down to he’s flying back home#and he cant take all his stuff and had to choose between chucking stuff/having literally nothing this weekend. like sleeping on the sofa etc#and then cleans the whole flat?? which I’m assuming a good chunk is his mess? but he did not need to do that. could’ve easily left#bc there are two people still living here who would’ve had to deal with it and he doesn’t know either at all#and THEN tonight we talk abt food which is fun bc we both ordered stuff. and he offers me some honeydew melon bc he’s been gorging himself#these past two days to finish it before it goes bad/he leaves which is also really sweet#and JUST NOW. I take my headphones out after finishing dinner and hear the sweetest fucking guitar#he plays the gentlest like dreamy sounding acoustic guitar I’ve heard in my life in his room (door closed by the time I leave)#this is actually just a really cool dude#now that the kitchens clear I’m gonna cook tomorrow and will probably offer him some bc otherwise he’s gonna be eating out all weekend#he has extra takeout for tomorrow night but might want smth Sunday#regardless I am just. huh??? left a bit stunned bc of the u turn my opinion of this guy has taken. bc my opinion of him was a reflection#of my discomfort moving to this weird dirty basement flat with two people I didn’t know#well. idk where to go from here. I think I’ll start by talking to him more this weekend. bc holy fucking shit.#luke.txt
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Funny Games (1997)
"Why are you doing this to us?"
"Why not?"
#funny games#1997#austrian cinema#horror imagery#blood tw#michael haneke#susanne lothar#ulrich mühe#arno frisch#frank giering#stefan clapczynski#doris kunstmann#christoph bantzer#wolfgang glück#susanne meneghel#monika von zallinger#although it's been on my to watch list for a long long time‚ this is also exactly the kind of film that I'd never take any particular#effort towards finding‚ content to spend years saying 'oh yeah i really should watch that'. so I'm most grateful to @bimbobussy for taking#the initiative and providing me with a copy; years and years of interest in film and in horror have meant that i was more than familiar#with the plot‚ the layout‚ the fourth wall breaks‚ and that might have been something subconsciously putting me off getting round to this#but im really glad i did. what an experience. my prior knowledge didn't feel like a hinderence; instead it leant an awful expectation to#the earlier scenes‚ allowed for dreadful recognition of what was coming. and i still got played! the misdirection with the knife‚ dropped#in an early scene‚ the planting of a seed of an idea that's there just to be subverted‚ a blackly comic bit of sleight of hand.#Haneke fills the film with such subversions: it's in the 4th wall breaks‚ the first of which is brief and subtle enough to go nearly#unnoticed‚ but which build in defiance of audience expectation to become outright challenges to the viewer‚ a kind of accusation of#complicity in the horrors unfolding; and then again‚ those horrors: Haneke actually keeps most of the violence offscreen and for all its#reputation for shocking horror‚ you actually see very little; except for the aftermath of that violence‚ which we do see‚ which we're left#to sit with for an uncomfortably long time‚ another accusation perhaps‚ or simply acknowledgement that the worst can sometimes be for those#left behind‚ the witnesses and the mourners. something very like genius at work here‚ a troubling masterpiece on violence and its impact
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finally learning emotional intelligence as an adult in my 30s feels like playing with goddamn tinker toys while i watch other people my age building these beautiful emotional ecosystems out of hand carved mahogany. but the alternative is to continue being glib and dismissive of every emotion i experience for the rest of my life so 👍 pass me that green rod i guess. and do you see any more hubs
#at some point last fall i visited my parents and was telling them about my plants#i had just bought a nerve plant aka fittonia#i got her because nerve plants are famous for wilting dramatically when their water conditions aren't just right#i thought it was interesting and funny and maybe a good way to keep an eye on my plant area. catch any moisture problems early#bit of a canary in a coal mine idea you know#anyway i told my parents about this plant#and they kind of laughed and rolled their eyes about this plant being so dramatic#and I said no. you see. i like a plant that communicates its needs#and i swear to God#i could See the thought passing through their eyes for the first time#that that might be a good thing#oh i think I'm gonna scream actually#DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY YEARS I SUFFERED CRIPPLING PERIOD CRAMPS EVERY GODDAMN MONTH AND NEVER TOLD ANYONE#by the way. nerve plants are fine after you water them. once you fix the problem they perk right back up again#my parents did their best. and frankly i think there's someone to be said that they raised an autistic child without traumatizing me#my depression and shit didn't appear until high school when i had to start interacting with the wider more complex world in earnest#and didn't have the tools for it#but my childhood of being given art supplies and left to my own devices was pretty chill#but i do wish unhappiness and discomfort hadn't been. like. something to be avoided or fixed immediately so no one had to talk about it#anyway. the birdcage is a good movie
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people trying to help me in too pushy of a way <3 how do i say thanks so much but leave me alone <3
#i literally dont WANT you to cc the ceo of a center for helping small businesses in an email to me im not in business yet 🙃#she literally immediately scheduled a zoom call for tomorrow morning to talk abt applying for a program im not ready for!!#i dont want to apply for a loan im not ready for all that!!!#i literally wont be opening for almost a decade im just planting trees every spring i dont need to do anything else#in ten years i might want to buy some used equipment#aaaaaaaa#this lady i know has been telling me abt this organization for months which is very nice and encouraging me to reach out to them#but i have literally no need or reason to do that yet#and wont for a few years probably#but she got inpatient ig and just reached out for me and now things are happeninggg#i literally have no pitch for my business it barely exists <3#i registered to claim the name so technically it exists and i planted a crop this spring that wont be ready for 8 years but thats it lol#we dont exist exist#anyway this lady means so very well and wants to help but im so stressed abt this i wasnt ready to deal with this lol#anyway its an organization that helps women and minority businesses or somethingggg idk anything abt it 😭#and im pretty sure the program she's signing me up for will cost money that i dont have 😣#i literally dont need to do a small business workshop at this point im just starting out and wont be open for years#ughhhhh#now i have a business zoom call first thing in the morning like an actual professional adult ���#this has been a shitpost#anyway its probably a good and wonderful thing that i should be grateful for but its happening too fast and im not prepared#so i dont want to ruin the opportunity by being a dummy who doesn't know abt business ten years before i am even ready for the opportunity#😣😣😣#im sure its all good and fine and helpful but aaaaaaaaaa
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whats up fuckers i got a job lined up for when schools out lets fucking goooooooooo!!!!!!
#ramblies#babys first job lmfao. third ever application and first ever interview and i fucking got the position!!!! what in the hell!!! gods favourit#its full time and i get to be planting n watering gardens in da summer heat#which i would be shitting bricks abt the hours if this was a handful of months ago but considering ive done 12 hour days at school. often#im not that worried anymore. ill like. actually have free time and all my afternoons and weekends offff itll be so NIIICE#i can hang out with my FRANDS!!!! AAAAAAAHHA im so excited to have free time again#im gonna go on so many adventures and make so many savings and do so much ART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i mean its seasonal so ill have to look for somethin else when im done but thats ok ^_^ b HUGE confidence boost from this tbh#and who knows maybe over the winter i can just do freelance#but i know that i can commute to places in the winter too so thats not a problem.... ive been doin it for the last 6 months !!#AGGGHHG I LOVE HAVING. confidence and experience and being able to believe in myself.... so wonderful#i dont need to be so scared actually!! of everything!! i will simply adapt to the hardships and appreciate the good things#as i have always done.....#yes. it will be good. it will be good!!
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Watching plant videos for aesthetic and relaxing vibes only to end up seriously envious that I don't have a lil flat filled with plants completely ruining any relaxing caused by the videos
#random#i had so many plants first year of uni and they survived the trip back home for summer but not the trip back to uni again :(#i bought a couple of lil ones last year but i think i gave then to my flatmate who was staying in Scotland but i havent had any since that#its just not feasible with travelling back and forth but i got a calla lilly for my birthday its pretty and#im so upset i couldnt bring it with me 😭 its gonna be dead when i get back i know it#i wanna have a permanent residence to fill with plants i hate this constant moving and living in new places feel like#i dont actually live anywhere at all its all temporary so i feel like i cant settle anywhere and truly make it my space
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am i crazy for being a little pissed off at my friend. she asked me to come water her plants while she's out of town for a week. she lives with TWO other people and i live 15 minutes away in a different fucking town, and i work another 15 minutes in the opposite direction (hint: it is extraordinarily out of my way and a pain in the ass to water her plants). Also they're plants?? 1 week without water isn't going to kill them???? just water them heavily right before leaving and again as soon as you get back. argh im just feeling like a piece of meat thats available to her to use for any stupid purpose
#honestly its just like being back in middle school when i didn't have any Good Friends. just people who wanted me to do things for them#like damn i dont know. i feel like im sitting in my therapists office and shes telling me i dont have to do everything people tell me to#and have i made like no progress on that? in fucking 8 years?#but for my own selfish reasons i need to keep this friend around until i graduate. i need someone to help me with food engineering.#or i could say fuck it and just lone wolf again... i did it for the first 2 years of college....#ive left her text on read since tuesday because like no i cant water your plants. theres like 5 options better than making me do it.#shes got her two roommates. her very good friend and coworker. the freshman. any of the knitting people she hangs out with.#bro i live in a different fucking postal code im not driving to town to water some plants that dont need water#actually yeah im saying fuck it. i dont need her. she doesnt bring joy or love when we hang out and im tired of her policing my words#girlie i will not be watering your plants and frankly this might be it. goodbye#diary post
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I managed to change our bedding and put on some fancy new bedding we got that's got flowers and butterflies on it and god getting that done feels like such a relief but also our back is currently ungodly painful so we may or may not be fucked in terms of our pain levels for the next few days 🙃
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#the new bedding is so pretty. one side of it is white and the other is dark green so we put it on with the dark green side facing up#and it's got all different flowers and plants on it and a bunch of butterflies#I really like the vibe of it#I'm just very tired and my head and back hurt pretty bad and we're very shaky and still kinda out of breath like an hour after doing it#which is why it took so long for us to get round to it in the first place. we haven't had the energy for this#I actually feel worse physically than when we went outside for like two hours a couple of weeks ago#which baffles me because it doesn't feel like changing your bedding should take more energy than that but oh well
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