#i just feel so caged in
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#2025 must be better i don’t know how much more i can handle from 2024#i just feel so lost and so behind and everything i tell others not to feel#but every setback just makes everything feel so out of reach and meaningless#i don’t know im just so tired of not feeling good enough for myself#when will life get easier when will circumstances get easier things just keep. happening#when will i get back to loving myself again lmfao#** and i’m not posting this for sympathy or w/e i just genuinely have nowhere else to vent about it#i just feel so caged in
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he dont bite
#repostober#day 13 yyaayy#deltarune#undertale#gaster#wd gaster#what inspired this was an old dadster painting i saw that drew the skelefam as realistic skeletons and depicted gaster as#a skull without teeth#so i looked up what a skull without teeth looks like and !!!! look its uncanny!!!!!!! i had to draw him like that#i love looking at this cus while drawing it i was in a super nostalgic mood and listened to a bunch of my childhood songs (in my native)#so while this could be interpreted as me trying to draw something scary#whenever i look at it i immediately feel the warm fuzzies i felt while drawing it and listening to songs kid me liked#to me this is a drawing of a childhood friend#anyways jhdks..#i tried to make the triangle shape under his head in the og sprite his rib cage#sort of morphing and contorting out of his melting body#also i tried to make the body of the sternum of this rib cage (the piece between the two sets of ribs) look like his soul#just some details i liked about this :'))))
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kneeling is a broad term for what ghost does with price
surrendering is slightly more accurate but even that doesn’t hope to touch the sheer desperation in the way he clutches at him; his body bowed low at his feet, his legs latched around one of his, hugging it so tightly to his chest his arms shake as he digs his face into his thigh
it’s only here that he can finally give in to the screaming; to the distant voice he strangles into silence every day of his life. the one who begs him to make himself as small as possible; do everything he can to hide from the ever encroaching demons growling and salivating at his heels
it’s only here, in the dark of price’s barracks, hidden by a bed at his back and a wall to his front, that he finally lets himself stop running; only between solid combat boots and worn fatigues does he let himself tremble and admit to the choking fear
he’d break open price’s chest if he could; crawl past his gushing viscera and curl up under his ribs, hidden in the warm dark
ghost clawed his way out of the grave with broken nails and gritted teeth but he wouldn’t mind being buried again if it meant being cradled in the safety of price’s insides. his warm blood and soft lungs would blanket him, mask the stench of his rotten flesh until he could even convince himself that, maybe, he too was still alive
he shifts, unnerved by his own longing, and price runs his hand over the crown of his mask the same way he’d card it through his hair until he settles once more
he grounds him over the long hours it takes for his white-knuckled grip to relax into a loose hold; for his face to stop grinding into the meat of his thigh and simply rest in his lap, his bracketing legs the only thing holding his lax body up as he floats, untethered by fear
#who up babygirling they ghost#ghost rejecting all vulnerability until he physically can’t suppress it any more#so he does the only thing he can#he goes to his captain#the one person who can make him feel small and protected#i nearly made this ghoap bc i know its more popular but i just write ghost so different when hes with price#he has a different kind of vulnerability with his than he does with soap at least in my canon#price gives him a different sense of safety; not only that hes watching his six but so much so that ghost doesnt need to be on guard at all#nothing will get past price#hes too stalwart; an unbroken pillar of strength#theres history there that he just doesnt have with soap#priceghost just hits different#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#we’re a team. ghost team#priceghost#ghostprice#ghost cod#simon ghost riley#price cod#john price#captain john price#cod fic#cod mw2#cod mwii#cod modern warfare#save post
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consumed by the inevitable
#messyr#you know- I kept thinking: One day. The cage will be open but I feel like I'll stay. Because if I run- I'd wind up dead from their bullet#so I just- tend to- follow as much as I want to rebel and put sense into this fuckass household. I hate seeing the others in pain as well#and it hurts more that it feels like I can NEVER be the one to break this cycle of abuse- when I knew from the start- when I knew too much#but here I am ending up like the rest of them- helpless and unable to do jackshit about the situation. I cant say or do anything at all!#I dont want to end up like them- if anything I want to BREATHE- i want all of us to LIVE without this pain that has existed for generations#I want to help so bad no matter how much I know I am unloved.#no matter how much hate i carry- no matter how much burden- Underneath it all- I'm devoted to them- that's how fucked up I am#i know i'll never be enough. I know how often I think of death and wish it.#But I have a dream to achieve and I am not planning to die until I reach it. Not yet. If pain is where I strive best then so be it.#doodle#vent art#artists on tumblr#bpd#toxic behavior#learned helplessness
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big big BIG fan of jealous Kenshi
#mkx#mk11#kenshi takahashi#sonya blade#johnny cage#swordblade#johnshi#cageblade#kencageblade#mk fanart#mortal kombat community#harvart#for the context of the jealous thing just pretend someone got to close to johnny and sonya#johnny has experience in knowing when kenshi is jealous he was on the other side of it for years LMFAO#i wanna do a jealous kenshi w hanzo sometime#i feel like hanzo also gets very jealous LOL#i gotta work on my jin/keda tho muehehehe#also to anon sorry for taking so long to get to ur stuff T_T#time to go eat some lunch
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Had a friend recently tell me a funny idea for a couples’ shirt combo
#sorry i’ve been dead for three months. the past year’s been absolute hell on my cofidence and motivation as an artist#it will unfortunately happen again#also for the record i don’t think any of them are stupid. this just feels like something Johnny would do#hanzo hasashi#scorpion mk#kuai liang#sub zero#johnny cage#mortal kombat#mk11#subcagecorp#subscorp#<- fuck it this counts and i want more attention#polyamory#my art#click for better quality#please let this do well i’m so tired of sharing art making me sui/cidal
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late night chat
#meeple.png#inanimate insanity#inanimate insanity invitational#ii oj#ii mephone4#ii mephoj#not inherently shippy but it is based on the weird gay little version of iii in my head#anyway i think they should've had some kind of summer romance in iii that changes their view on their lives forever#and leaves them haunted by eachother in a way that neither will want to address but it sticks with them#oj is Stuck in his shitty hotel job and kind of caged himself into that the more he insists its Just the way it is and hes fine with it#while mephone has simply gotten used to running away and hiding as much as he can#neither are good coping mechanisms but the kind of experience and perspective they have could be exactly what they need to hear#oj needs to Fucking Quit while mephone needs to let himself find community and let others know him#so he doesn't feel like he Has to run or he Has to do it alone#oj has connections albeit some messier than others#and hes a bit of a bitch but definitely more liked than mephone#and mephone has the If It Sucks Hit The Bricks mentality and the bluntness to get that through to oj#oj also has the perspective of being a s1 vet which means he has a very different view on mephone than others might#and that could do some good in getting through to mephone how his host behavior can negatively affect the contestants involved#mephone views oj as more equal to him as theyre business partners. hes very friendly to him (even if one sided.) he might just listen#sorry if this rant is redundant btw im not reading back any of this HAHA
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i’ve never been as angry on behalf of a character as i am for sam winchester
#currently thinking about season four and five. absolutely fuckibg mental#the world literally reshapes itself around him to prove him wrong#its all framed as God. Sam was so stupid and selfish and reckless for drinking demon blood. He just liked the power of it and he chose a#DEMON over DEAN.#but. that’s not the story they tell in s4.#like even aside from every single other complexity. Sam is literally right. he has ZERO WAY of knowing that killing lilith is the final seal#AND DEAN DOESNT KNOW TJAT EITHER. like sam is literally right he can kill lilith and he does kill lilith. dean wants lilith dead just as#much. sam’s cardinal sin is disobeying dean and then the world flips around on him and plot twist sam and dean were both wrong all along and#killing lilith is what will bring back lucifer :)#but. it’s not framed like that either. it’s framed like SAM BROUGHT BACK LUCIFER BY KILLING LILITH WHILE HIGH ON DEMON BLOOD#dean you wanted to kill lilith too?????????#but. doesn’t matter dean despite being mostly motivated by jealous anger is retroactively proven to be Right#and sam is retroactively proven to be Wrong. he is bad#i just. jesus. sam’s not evil ever. he’s hardly even that fucking morally grey#and he still thinks there’s something wrong with him that he’s a freak that he’s inherently evil and needs to be purified#why?? cause of something fucked up that happened to him when he was a baby#and because he’s disobeyed his father and his brother and been angry at awful things that have happened to him#makes me feel fucking insane actually#no wonder narrative frames sam as evil no wonder he’s inherently marked as Bad by the forces in supernatural like even on a meta level#in supernatural gods just another shitty father. embodiment of the familial patriarch. and from sam’s very first moment on the show he’s in#opposition to that he’s ran away from john and he argues with dean. therefore he is evil#i don’t think my words r really making sense right now but. fucking hell#and sam is so swamped in guilt all of season five and he just fucking accepts that everything bad is his fault#and he gets tortured in the cage to save the fucking world and it’s STILL not enough. not to appease his own guilt and not to appease deans#anger at him. dean is still throwing his perceived violations back at him in like season nine!!#and whenever he tries to get out it’s treated as yet another Sin. narrative acts like sam thinking dean was dead and having a life outside#of hunting is The Worst Thing He Ever Did#worst sin sam ever commits in the eyes of the show is disobedience. Absolutely awful actually#spn#sam winchester
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fairest of the fair
#hi! im alive and back and etc.#six the musical#six the musical fanart#katherine howard#thinking of that post going 'i think eventually you become the person you needed most' and like maybe that's the thing with my art#this started out as a redraw and <improvement meme> i think i've finally reached the stage where i'm making the things that my younger self#aspired to create. like i can do this now! i've reached That level of technical skill! tiny me would be so proud. it's very gratifying#redraw from august this year actually. i've made a surprising amount of improvement HAHA maybe it was the adamandi stuff getting me#back into digital rendering. i think that obsession has quietly slipped away but yknow. one never truly leaves a fandom. just less intensit#also speaking of old fandoms! we're back with the six stuff haha. as of writing i'm in the midst of blog revamp- figuring out how to chill#multifandom status doesn't mean ditch all the old stuff ! but i do feel much freer and less stressed. i think hiatus has been good for me#notes on this piece particularly: redraw about cutting hair and thinking of the lyric above. also lowkey &j ref + pinterest poem excerpts#of female suffering. and maybe a dash of amanda heng let's walk inspo. this work is really just full of contradictions..#1. the mirror and cutting hair as an act of self liberation 2. the & is part of the lyric but also a nod to &j (in another iteration it was#pink but the white looked better) and like. &j is really all !!! girl power!!! etc. and i was like hmmmm. also matching pink shiny aes#3. the frame as a cage; the mirror as a self reflection idea (ie. saville's propped insp) but also as a sign of vanity. 4. sparkly costume#and pretty pose- read one too many poems about women feeling like they have to be pretty even in their suffering. something i wanted to#explore. and also in 5. the show itself... all you wanna do is. despite all the dancing and pink and sparkly the content of the song is#darker. and even though it's a story of her suffering it's still presented as a shiny fun pop song and ajshdhfhfh ok... 6. the lyrics fall#outside the frame. sort of a caught inbetween. sort of a trapped in the narrative and yet#within the frame it's all. vaguely handwavy breaking free vibes. like i said contradictions?#7. cutting off the long ponytail vs the pull my hair lyric at the end. yeah#8. the blocked off & looks a bit like scissors. positioned to cut right at the neck#anyways yeah irl remains hectic! but if i get around to more doodles they'll appear here :)
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super-star pirate quintet - a no-buts treasure hunt across our sparkling camelot galaxy!
#yes the second part of the sentence is the tagline for ultimate excalibur#ocs#my ocs#my ocs art#original characters#optico#nova starbridge#paro chroneko#dj v con#clyde blacktooth#these are (probably) their very final designs. theyve come so far...#im incredibly glad with the results. these 5 have gone through so many designs n iterations that it just feels natural for them to get here#im currently writing ultimate excalibur's first part and im having a ton of fun#really really hope that i can actually get it out soon despite how long im planning for it to be#theres a lot of stuff to design#namely environments and items#but i know ill get there. this is my biggest pet project and its almost time for it to come out of the cage#zeno's art
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the right thing at the wrong time!
#wangxian#mdzs#mdzs fanart#yiling laozu#hanguang jun#wei wuxian#lan wangji#mo dao zu shi#grandmaster of demonic cultivation#jessbye#egg#GUYS -.. GUYS#rattles the bars of my cage#ITS ABOUT THE SUSPENDED YEARNING AND WANT AND LUST AND#ITS ABOUT THE i want you so bad but right now i cannot have you#its ABOUT THE YEARNING and being so In Love and u just want to admit to ur lover that u dont care U DONT CARE abt whats happening#as long as they get to be in ur arms#ITS ABOUT THE FUCKING TIMING BEING SO WRONG BUT EVERYTHING FEELING SO RIGHT WHEN THEY ARE IN CLOSE PROXIMITY#AAAUUUUUUGHGHGHGHHHH
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sam with chronic pain after the cage and chronic fatigue after the trials <3
#chronically ill sam is soo important to me#the idea of like. the cage lingering.#you can't ever escape it it's in your bones etc etc#also i think with gadreel too - he starts dulling the pain (& this part is going back to one of vic's post) but then he starts#feeling so awful again and he's just so tired all the time & he realizes that the trials didn't actually purify him like he thought#he failed and they made him worse <3#sw#star notes
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the 141 recovering brainwashed!soap but he’s just a shell of his former self; never speaking, never moving without orders. he never even blinks; just stares straight ahead with his unnatural green eyes.
empty.
but ghost can't accept that.
price and gaz can't stand watching ghost torture himself day after day; visiting soap in his cell for hours at a time, trying anything he can think of to bring back his sergeant.
he shows him pictures of the 141 but soap thinks he's being given targets and moves to eliminate them before ghost stops him. he brings him his journal, tries to trigger his innermost thoughts and feelings he never shared with any of them, but after he reads it, soap summarises it like he's giving a mission briefing. impersonal.
cold.
it's late when ghost finally calls it; low and defeated after another long day of being stared at with eyes that don't see him. he isn't thinking when he pulls his mask off and harshly scrubs over his face, grinding his palm into his eye.
"don't worry, johnny; we're still fixin' each other's problems," he promises, little more than a whisper as he tries to summon the energy to leave johnny behind. again.
he pushes himself to his feet, his hand on the door handle when-
"what's my problem?"
ghost freezes, something like grief - something achingly closer to hope - chilling him. he slowly turns and though soap is still starring ahead, there's a faint light in his altered green eyes.
"the mask," he forces out. "take it off."
he knows there's no way to remove the mask - the muzzle - from his sergeant's face. it's too high-tech, even for them; the biometric scanner too advanced for any bypass they know of.
it's just another way he's failed him; bringing him home still bound in their enemy's chains.
soap- jolts; a sharp, almost painful looking flinch jerking his body.
"show my face?" and his voice has changed; no longer the monotone delivery that's haunted ghost's every waking moment.
it's smaller. uncertain. recollection of a memory half-destroyed.
"yes, johnny," he breathes.
soap moves unprompted for the first time since they found him; running his finger along the edge of the muzzle where his skin bulges from the pressure, half-visible scars hidden beneath the harsh metal.
"ugly," he murmurs.
ghost immediately shakes his head, almost stumbling back to the table; haphazardly throwing his mask on it. "quite the opposite," he insists.
it doesn't matter if he has no lower jaw left at all; johnny could never be ugly in his eyes.
agonisingly slowly, soap's eyes shift to the mask. he takes in the balaclava and hard shell skull like for all the times he's looked at it since his rescue, he never truly saw it. his lids fall in less of a blink and more stage curtains closing; slow, heavy, requiring effort and no small amount of strength to open once more
"good... to see you again..." he trails off, his hand shifting up to the top of his shaved head; nails digging unforgivingly into his scalp
"simon," ghost finishes for him; that horrid grieving hope tearing at his heart
soap's fingers flex and a drop of blood trails down his forehead, over the ridge of his nose to catch on the muzzle. "s-simon..."
his nails dig deeper, the drop falling to the table just to be followed by more and ghost aches to stop him but he's terrified to interrupt him. terrified to lose him now when he's so close to something.
soap's bloodied nails scratch down the crown of his head, following the line of his stolen mohawk until they come to rest on the back of the muzzle and ghost's heart drops.
they can’t get it off.
they can't get it off and he doesn't know how to explain that to soap; doesn't know if he can stomach watching soap pull at the monstrosity holding him captive, the inevitable bloodbath as the edges cut into his skin.
"show my face," soap repeats.
"johnny..." ghost begins weakly, reaching out to him but he doesn't know how, doesn't know if he even should-
the muzzle clatters onto the table.
the biometrics they couldn't bypass, the fingerprint they needed that they were so sure belonged to makarov.
it belonged to soap.
how cruel to torture him with freedom he didn't understand he could take; didn't even understand he could want.
just the kind of sick game makarov loves.
ghost doesn't know what's louder; his heart pounding in his ears or the long, uninhibited breath soap takes.
his eyes fall shut as he leans his head back with it, the blood still dripping down his face as he straightens through his exhale. his lower jaw is a mess of scars where he fought against the previous iterations of the muzzle, the corners of his lips cut through and cracked.
but the green in his eyes is duller; that light sparking brighter as blue struggles to break through the glow.
ghost's never seen anything so beautiful.
"good to see you again, johnny."
#cw self harm#self harm#guess who’s still on a brainwashed!soap kick!#the ending of wall-e but make it ghoap#you know when walle resets & eve brings all of his stuff he showed her at the beginning of the movie and its the song that brought him back?#fun fact i dont actually like callbacks all that much#i think they can be cheesy and kind of shoehorned#and unless its done a decent amount of time after the initial thing it can feel rushed and inauthentic#but im all over them when it comes to amnesia aus#its the ‘im with you til the end of the line’ effect#but the reversal of ghost finding so much comfort and safety in his mask#being confronted by soap whos been forced into one against his will to strip him of his autonomy and humanity#it makes me froth at the mouth i swear#muzzles in general make me feral#i am not immune to the dog analogies#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#we’re a team. ghost team#soapghost#ghostsoap#ghoap#simon ghost riley#ghost cod#john soap mactavish#soap cod#cod fic#save post
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I can only take so much, but lately, they have replaced my reflection. And realize I'm just as bad as them.
#messyr#doodle#vent art#idk what im feeling but im just really tired- pessimistic and agitated lately#overthinking stuff about growth as a person LMAO. Envy that builds inferiority then dissolves into insecurity ew#ive yet to accept the truth that it will never get better- so i can only be there for others until i watch them go.#And I walk back to the same cage where I grew- bc the cage is all I know. I'd watch from afar and wait- wait for what? Idk#Genuinely happy and proud to those who worked hard for that success-- an ugly thought whispers to me thinking why cant I have the same#well- people w the same situations as me- knows how unfair life is so we work twice as hard. but sometimes... It's-- not enough.#And to an unfortunate fate- it'll never be enough. and it feels as if you amount to nothing.#I've been stuck for so long- I'm convinced enough that I cannot be helped. Still I cling onto the tiniest spark of hope.#bpd#abuse mention
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i've been meaning to draw some stp stuff (ESPECIALLYbecause of pristine cut oh mygod ) but i've been way out of my drawing swing after spending the last couple weeks rehearsing and doing school and stuff...
if you guys would like to send rqs for it that would be cool. ideally that would give my brain incentive to go through with a task lol
#drawing is so fun but i have to find all these neural loopholes to do itbro ...#but anyways the dlc was so HYPE omg#fury was my fav design and i was rlly happy to see more work of her(really obsessed with the close side view shot of hrr for some reason??)#i love literally all the routes in the cage she's so cool...#princess and the dragon is so fun conceptually and i like how they're playing more eith the princess vision. and also full tlq shot. meow#although now i gotta rethink how to draw them...#happily ever after was so yum i loved the idea with the smitten#i rlly like the thing shifting mound does now in end scene makes it feel more cohesive too#and just like in general all the new cgs sprites with like den/moc/etc. love love.#i might be forgetting something tbh but you get it#slay the princess#mutterings of i
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I notice Nahida is portrayed as frustrated or scolding of other characters (usually Wanderer) in fanon often but to be honest I don’t think Nahida really has that much of a temper where she defaults to that sort of thing very much….She can be angry and firm as needed but I really don’t think that’s her first instinct on how to assert herself in a lot of cases.
She instead really strikes me as someone who primarily gets upset when it’s on behalf of other people or someone embodying ideas she finds very devoid of care and compassion for others….but struggles to really be angry on her own behalf. Like, it’s pointed out it’s only until she’s actively being rescued that she finally says she’s angry at the Sages, and while she is openly angry then we see later everyone comments on how they seem to have gotten off days, which I touched on in this post and feel u can infer from that this idea Nahida struggles to be harsh even towards to the people who kept her in a cage for 500 years—which makes when u see how much she rationalizes being treated like this earlier on. She ultimately seems more concerned with the Sages mistreatment of her people vs their mistreatment of Nahida herself.
This feels consistent to why she seems pretty visibly disgusted with Dottore when they have their negotiation. Dottore is more or less an antithesis to everything she believes about wisdom and embodies a lot of malice and cruelty that Nahida would be really disturbed by. I personally like to write her lack of a temper in some areas as something that seems almost troubling — bc on one hand she’s very forgiving and kind despite through being a lot, but on the other this seems like it might be rooted in just genuinely not allowing herself to be angry to protect herself. But yeah overall I think unless you’re really causing an issue Nahida is more likely to give you a kind of frazzled sad puppy look and very politely ask you to be better as opposed to hitting you with a sandal or scolding you for it
In the case of her relationship with Wanderer specifically I’ve like, talked about how I feel people overlook the fact Wanderer makes a genuine effort to cooperate with Nahida and doesn’t really fight with her much…so i don’t think they’re often bickering with each other to the point Nahida has to get really firm with him. She seems to have a pretty interesting amount of patience with him especially post AQ, which again I think is helped by the fact Wanderer is genuinely trying to cooperate and she sees that. We do see her ask Traveler + Scaramouche to stop bickering in Inversion of Genesis but she is in my opinion very polite and at most a bit awkward about it, not scolding or irritated
#tbh the way ppl make her scolding and getting on ppl’s case just feels like part of maternal/mom/etc Nahida fanon#which is my arch nemesis. so. JJSNXJXJ#she is not nagging wanderer to do the dishes or whatever he is a grown man etc#I feel ppl want to give her depth abt her history and stuff but default to the idea she has like#secret anger or resentment bc she bottles her feelings up#but I do not think this is what goes on in nahidas brain. I think she just genuinely rationalizes herself out of being upset or angry about#things sometimes and like she Can have a temper but it goes alongside the fact#more than anything she really wants to be a good archon and cares a lot about people and#reasonably had to rationalize there must be a reason she was put in a cage for 500 years to cope with it#ergo this is why why we r told she’s imprisoned she initially excuses it with like#um well they were understandably expecting rukkhadevata when they saw me#and I am not powerful or useful :( so my existence has little meaning#JAKJSNXMXNX#NAHIDA.#genshin#nahida#fandomferns
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