#i just feel like there's a wealth of material in there

[kiyomitakada]

hi everyone so ages ago i translated watari's diary from the movie tie-in material L File No. 15 (sourced from this post by @mikami) but i just realized i never posted it here?? of all places??? so here you go! i recommend reading this translation along with the screenshots from that post since there are pictures that i did not bother actually including.

(spoilers for the live action films!)

---

QUILLISH WAMMY'S DIARY

The following diary was included in the discovered files. It is thought to have been written by Quillish Wammy (who is said to have gone by "Watari" while acting as L's intermediary), but as with the previous files, it contains information of dubious veracity.

May 7, 1973

Recently, I find myself thinking idle thoughts.

The metal I invented, which is superconducting under 28.7°C, is now used in 87% of electrical cables worldwide. It has brought me great wealth. Too much to know what to do with, I feel. No matter how much money I accumulate, there is no way to buy a human life, so I can't imagine any interesting way I could spend it.

May 12, 1973

Today, I had a revelation.

My talents mainly skew towards the sciences, and there are many things I can do with them, but also many things I cannot. But what if I use my wealth and my enthusiasm to raise new talents? Then there will certainly be one or two who can achieve things I cannot. Extremely interesting. To what extent can humans cultivate their talents? This is what I should dedicate the rest of my life to finding out.

I will gather children with talent and intelligence from all over the world — the brain develops very quickly from ages 9 to 13, so children around that age range should work best — and educate them thoroughly. Eventually, I believe, they will be able to change the world. Perhaps I will call the institution Wammy's House.

[Notes on the children]

F: Strong sense of justice, and quick to action — which is why he can make mistakes.

R: Has recently shown interest in astronomy. Has fallen asleep while looking through a telescope before, and thus contracted a cold. Twice.

K: Talented in multiple fields. Has perfectly understood almost everything I teach. I have not yet determined which area she is most skilled in — very exciting.

*1 (T/N: shaky translation): Many researchers have reason to believe members of Wammy's House are referred to by single letters of the alphabet. However, there is no consensus as to what extent these nicknames were used. Some suggest only Quillish Wammy and the person themselves recognized the nickname.

February 23, 1987

Today, I have learned a lesson. Sometimes an overly nurtured talent goes beyond the will of the person who nurtured it. [T/N: I genuinely can't tell if he's talking about the kid raising their talent or Watari raising the kid] K has left Wammy's House of her own volition. This is the first time something like this has happened since I founded Wammy's House. I feel a strong sense of loss.

---

[Notes on the children, 2]

D: Mainly talented in physics. Frequently smashes radio-controlled models, possibly to conduct their own experiments. The degree of destruction is being monitored.

P: Often found with their nose buried in a novel. I think I will try teaching them psychology once they are a little older. It would be nice if they showed some interest in profiling.

L: Invests in stocks. Clearly talented, but so far an unknown variable.

July 10, 1994

Currently, out of all the children, L holds most of my interest.

While he does show interest in existing fields of study, he is even more enthusiastic about using his own methods (adjacent to statistics) to make deductions. Right now, he is spending the most time on criminal investigations. He is working against actual human beings, which is why the cases are so complex and difficult to unravel… He seems immensely fascinated by this.

L, when in pursuit of an objective, is able to immediately determine the necessary information. L. You are my hope.

August 13, 2005

L has selected FBI agent Naomi Misora for the Los Angeles B.B. Murder Cases. It seems he did so in recognition of her bravery and deductive abilities. L dislikes unnecessary physical exertion, since he wants to keep his mind functioning as quickly as possible. Thus, he has to rely on others to act as his agents on the scene. Naomi is reliable.

[A photo of Naomi, along with the text:]

Naomi Misora FBI Investigator Achieved investigator status unusually quickly Specialty: Marksmanship Intelligent and passionate

---

February 26, 2006

I was present at an ICPO conference today. The focus was exclusively on the "Kira case." Criminals all over the world are dying of simultaneous heart attacks. Some members of the public might call this "judgment," but it is murder. L is very intrigued by this new type of crime.

*2: The Kira case, as detailed in the other files, refers to the phenomenon where criminals globally die of simultaneous heart attacks. Rumors flew around the Internet claiming that "'Kira' is our savior and carries out justice," and the name was attached to the phenomenon even though this was not actually proven yet. Since the case affected the entire world and was growing in momentum rapidly, the ICPO's response was necessarily rushed.

March 2, 2006

It seems Naomi Misora and Raye Iwamatsu are now engaged. They are planning to hold the ceremony in Japan. Naomi says she is retiring from the FBI. That took me by surprise.

I am unsure how L feels about Naomi's decision, but he has chosen her for his plan to make contact with Kira. Raye will be the driver. I'm sure Naomi will carry out the plan perfectly. Yes, L's choice is correct. But making a bride approach a murderer… making her groom drive her there…

L. That calmness in you is what I hoped for, what I raised. Still. Is hesitation not an option for you?

March 10, 2006

It's been raining since morning. It's coming down in sheets. I haven't seen such weather for a long time.

L believes there is a 97% probability Kira is in Japan, so we are headed there. Even so… Why did L say something like that? He never says things so sentimental, so unsettling… Could it be that he can see something I can't even imagine lurking in the future of this case? L, why did you say, "I might not be able to come back?" You are only in charge of directing the investigation. There's no reason to think you will come face to face with danger.

The lesson I learned from K is once again swirling in my head. Sometimes an overly nurtured talent will go somewhere I cannot follow…

L. Tell me you weren't thinking straight. Please. Tell me it was just the rain.

---

April 1, 2006

The twelve FBI agents who L ordered to tail the families and associates of the Japanese police have all died simultaneously of heart attacks. …Including Raye Iwamatsu… It was a shock, considering the pattern up to now, that Kira would kill so many human beings who weren't criminals. I think L wasn't able to predict it either.

I tried expressing my condolences to Naomi Misora over the phone, but I couldn't reach her. I am worried.

April 2, 2006

L met the Japanese investigators in person. Starting from now, he will work together with them to advance the investigation. L has never shown his real face to anyone before now. I can feel his anxiety about this case radiating off this decision. Or perhaps it's impatience?

L asked them to call him Ryuzaki.

[Notes on the Japanese investigators]

Soichiro Yagami: Chief of the task force assigned to the "Kira case." Overflowing with a particularly Japanese sense of justice. Trustworthy.

Ukita

Aizawa

Sanami: The only woman on the investigation team. A little too kind.

Mogi

Matsuda: A hot-headed young man. Slightly too presumptuous.

---

April 11, 2006

L is fixated on Light Yagami. He says that the probability of Light being Kira is only around 1% to 3%, but from his behavior, I can't help but think it must be higher. But although I suppose Light is decently intelligent, he's nothing more than a regular college student. To even consider the possibility of him being a mass murderer, there has to be some additional factor — an inconceivable one.

What is it?

Are we fighting against something entirely new?

[A photo of Light, along with the text:]

Light Yagami Student majoring in law at To-Oh University. A prodigy — he has already passed the bar exam. Hates to lose; focuses on winning in everything. His father is the chief of the task force, Soichiro Yagami.

[Memo so I don't forget my orders]

An emergency order from L. Written below so I don't make a single mistake.

Macarons (DALLOMIU) x 12 boxes

Marshmallows (MEIGI-YA) x 12 bags

Donuts (Donkin Donuts) x 12 bags

Black tea (F and N) x 12 cans

Potato chips (Golbee) (specifically BBQ flavor) x 2 bags

[T/N: The potato chips are the type Light eats in The Chip Scene — they're consomme in the original Japanese (both manga and diary) but BBQ in the Viz translation, which I'm going with.]

*3: The Donkin Donuts company shut down all its stores in Japan in 1998. Therefore, this memo conflicts with the range of time in which L and Quillish Wammy were thought to be in Japan. Whether this is a mistake on Wammy's part or an indication that the diary is of unreliable origin is still a topic of discussion.

April 15, 2006

I think the incomprehensibility of what happened today will stay with me for the rest of my life. Naomi Misora shot herself. It was after she told L, "I'll use my own life to prove that Light Yagami is Kira." But Naomi wasn't able to prove anything.

She must have, in her own way, found something confirming her theory. Considering her actions up to now, she wouldn't have made such a declaration without some kind of proof. But she took Light's girlfriend hostage at the museum. She killed her. And then she took her own life. Why would she do such a thing?

It wasn't like her. No matter how I think about it, it wasn't like her. She looked almost… confused, right before her death. Not like Naomi at all.

[Photo of Shiori, a movie-only character!]

Shiori Akino Student majoring in law at To-Oh University. Dating Light Yagami. Possesses a strong sense of justice and articulates her ideals clearly. Postscript: Was shot and killed by Naomi Misora at the Oumei Museum of Art.

*4: Naomi Misora's murder of Shiori Akino and subsequent suicide is the greatest mystery of this case. As Quillish Wammy wrote here, the question "Why did Naomi kill Shiori?" is still entirely unexplained; some have even proposed that it had no connection to the Kira case at all. Also, in regards to Shiori, it bears mentioning that some believe she was dating Light Yagami while others believe they were simply classmates.

---

April 18, 2006

The construction of the Kira Response Building is complete. We will be moving the investigation headquarters there.

[Memo with cutouts so I don't forget]

[T/N: As you can see in the Tumblr screenshots, this page of the diary is entirely filled with cutouts from advertisements showing different parts of L's outfit.]

[picture of jeans]: The feeling of a new working style, a dominating sense of existence — Loose silhouette, straight frame. Its special characteristic is the five pockets it boasts on the front. Two of the pockets are integrated into the seams on the sides for a working-style taste. There is an adjuster in the back so you can adjust the size slightly.

[T/N: I tried for ages to figure out if this meant 5 or 7 pockets total, and then I decided accurate translation of an advertisement for jeans in the tie-in material for a movie spinoff for a 2000s manga wasn't worth this effort.] [No offense, L.]

[picture of sneakers]: A strong impact! Each step brimming with confidence — These shoes are made with the ripstop fabric used in military wear. It won't tear, no matter how much you wear the shoes out. Additionally, the camo pattern is piece-dyed with black and deliberately scuffed, giving it a tasteful finished look.

[picture of white sweater]: It looks good in any season: a must buy item — Silhouette is loose enough to hide the lines of your body. The neckline is also loose, so wearing it is a delightfully relaxed experience. The white color has outstanding compatibility with denim.

[picture of Hyottoko mask] Hyottoko mask

[doodle of white bag]

[picture of a chessboard] CHESS: The definitive version of the battle of minds

---

April 29, 2006

An individual calling themselves "the Second Kira" has sent video tapes to TV stations. Their patterns are clearly different from those of the Kira who has acted up to now. According to L's theory, while the previous Kira needed a face and a name for the murder, this Kira only needs to see someone's face to kill them.

Also, Light Yagami is now part of the task force. Light can't forgive Kira for taking his girlfriend's life. He's burning with determination to solve the case. He really is a smart teenager.

I wonder which L feels more for him: sympathy or competitiveness. Even I can't tell.

*5: In this time period, there were several unexplainable events, documented by the news and TV broadcasts in Japan at the time. For example, several police officers died of sudden heart attacks near the doorstep of the TV station that was broadcasting a message from the person claiming to be "the Second Kira" (including a detective whose name appeared in the earlier "Notes on the Japanese investigators"). It is thought that L's theory that "this Kira only needs to see someone's face [...]," as documented by Quillish Wammy above, was based on this incident.

May 11, 2006

Misa Amane has been arrested under suspicion of being the Second Kira. She is in confinement. The Japanese investigators seem somewhat opposed to this method. L is feeling cornered. It makes me anxious.

[Photo of Misa Amane, smiling in a sleeveless skull-and-crossbones shirt]

Misa Amane Idol There was an advertisement on the bus for fashion magazines with her on their covers. She seems to be a rather well-known figure in Japan.

Postscript: I have acquired Misa's photo albums, CDs, and DVDs as evidence. I passed them to L. L has not informed me of any new data from this analysis, but he has been playing the CD.

---

June 2, 2006

L announced to the investigators that "as of now, I have concluded that Light Yagami and Misa Amane are not Kira."

Light will still stay in the Kira Response Building to help with the investigation. L has accepted this. Could it be that L has recognized that someone else is on his level for the first time? I am happy for him, but also have complicated feelings about this. Is it possible that Light has become L's first-ever friend?

June 9, 2006

The Kira murders continue. L has been chewing his nails more often lately.

L, you should already know this: you do not need to carry the burden of all the world's crimes on your shoulders.

June 26, 2006

Light Yagami's theory may be our breakthrough in the case. His line of investigation has turned up a name: a Sakura TV newscaster, Kiyomi Takada.

[Photo of Kiyomi Takada, smiling placidly on a news channel, hands folded together]

Kiyomi Takada Newscaster for Sakura TV

She became the current face of the news channel EVENING SPOT after her predecessor Saeko Nishiyama's sudden death in a car accident. She quickly began hosting segments supporting Kira. She lives alone in a condo within the city.

---

June 30, 2006

You could say my scientific skills have started to rust, but as an inventor who tries to always think things through logically, I am feeling bewildered. There are "Shinigami," gods of death, who exist in this world. The Shinigami each carry a notebook, which is called a "Death Note." And the human whose name is written in the Death Note will die.

What on Earth? We've been up against Shinigami this whole time?

L was shocked. Unusual for him. But when I saw that surprise on his face, I actually felt relieved. At least Wammy's House — my creation — has not taken the capability for shock away from him.

Death Note: How to Use (Rules) — a partial excerpt

[T/N: Translations mostly copied from the Death Note wiki, with minor edits]

The human whose name is written in this note shall die.

If the cause of death is written within the next 40 seconds (in human-realm units) of writing the person's name, it will happen.

If the cause of death is not specified, the human will simply die of a heart attack.

After writing the cause of death, details of the death should be written in the next 6 minutes and 40 seconds.

If the time of death is written within 40 seconds after writing the cause of death — even if the cause of death is a heart attack — the time of death can be manipulated, and the death can go into effect even less than 40 seconds after writing the name.

The note will not take effect unless the writer has the person's face in their mind when writing his/her name. Therefore, people sharing the same name will not be affected.

The owner of the note can shorten their own life by using the note.

Even someone who does not own the note can use it by writing a name and thinking of a face, with the same effect as if they were the owner of the note.

After a name is written in the note, it cannot be changed.

The time of death written in the note must be within 23 days (in human-realm units).

July 3, 2006

Misa Amane has been released from the Kira Response Building.

July 4, 2006

The strange situation of a Shinigami coming in and out of the Kira Response Building has continued. I can't help but feel restless seeing a huge, white silhouette wandering about. This Shinigami is not cooperating with us, but isn't trying to hinder us either, it seems.

There have been multiple persistent calls for L to assist with the investigation into Princess Joan's overturned yacht. But L seems uninterested in any other cases right now. I have filed the investigation requests where he won't see them.

---

July 7, 2006

[This entry was translated here by @lunalit-river. I'll copy it over, but please show some love to the original post!]

L.

Was this the outcome of giving you the opportunity to learn? Was it arrogant of me to think that I had given you everything you needed? A genius without parents or relatives, without food or education, a genius who may have had a miserable past. Was I wrong?

L wrote his name in the Death Note.

Was this all for victory? Was this all for justice?

To fight something supernatural like the Death Note, it is true that we must arm ourselves with something that is also beyond human understanding.

It is highly possible that Light Yagami will write L's name in the Death Note. In theory, L must write his name in the Death Note first to prevent Light from doing so.

But don't human emotions have a tendency to refuse to accept the truth and instead hope to twist logic and theory?

L. Don't you ever place your emotions prior to your goals?

L. I never meant for things to end this way. Your talent has surpassed mine, and now you are consuming yourself. But I…

Today I learned F's death. Am I about to lose you, too? I have never felt so powerless as I do now.

L. I am confused. When I established Wammy's House, I might not have anticipated this.

I learned a lot from being with you, L, just as parents learn a lot from their children.

L. Just one sentence is enough. Please tell me you want to live.

L. L…

July 7, 2006

L Lawliet Heart failure Dies 23 days from now, peacefully, in his sleep

---

July 10, 2006

This is the end of the case, isn't it? Everything has been arranged. I will bring Misa to headquarters, and as long as Soichiro Yagami and the other Japanese investigators do as L says, everything should go perfectly. Tonight, the Kira case will be solved.

I have learned from L, who moves towards his goal still, indifferent in the face of death. I too will not waver.

L still has 20 days left. I'll spend them with him. Not because of everything I gave him in his lifetime, but because of everything I deprived him of. I can devote all my time to him now.

L, what do you want to do? You can play silly games, if you want. You can go make friends. If you don't mind my old age, I would gladly be your friend. Or your

Do you want to see sights you've never seen before? Do you want to feel breezes you've never felt? [T/N: He switches to polite speech just for this paragraph. Back to regular now.]

Get up from that way you always sit; let's go outside. Everything I took from you — the small, the inconsequential, the boring things — and the beautiful, dear ones too: let's go find them together. It's okay if you don't have any conclusions to draw. I just want you to have fun. To love the world in front of you. To savor it.

L. That's right. Just like a father and son on holiday.

I've been writing in this diary for forty years. I think I will stop in twenty days. I can't imagine anything I would want to write about, anything I should write about, would happen after that.

Alright. I'd better go and bring Misa over.

This is where the diary ends. The Kira case has been dormant ever since the last entry here.

[decomposingfungi]

There are also millions of people still using twitter, instagram, and amazon, despite the very real material damage caused by Musk, Zuckerberg, and Bezos, and that's a MUCH more direct cause-and-effect than simply talking about Harry Potter because using those platforms LITERALLY lines the pockets of those individuals. I will say that if you're on twitter telling people they should stop talking about Harry Potter I simply will not take you seriously loll 😂

This needed to be said, I fear.

Also I think there's a slightly worrying tendency on the liberal 'left' (which is typically the majority in most fandom spaces) to shut down conversation and discussion in general, particularly if those conversations are uncomfortable. You see thought-terminating clichés frequently deployed in such spaces and I think it's just not helpful. Seeing posts from supposed leftists trying to convince people that it's morally wrong to even THINK about Harry Potter is pretty wild to me, tbh. I think that for a while now there's been much more of a focus among the left on idealism over materialism, to the point where material reality is totally ignored in favour of, essentially, trying to get everyone to think the correct thoughts. To me this just isn't a productive or intellectually responsible approach.

Listen, as a trans person who left the HP fandom a few years ago because of JKR's transphobia, it's wild to me how utterly devoid of nuance any conversation around this issue is handled in online spaces. I do think you shouldn't give her money (don't watch the new show!) because she is using that money to support laws against trans people. But is it really more harmful to talk about HP online with your friends than, for example, use Twitter, a platform that gives money to a man who also uses his wealth and power to support laws against trans people (and against immigrants and women and poc and-)?

OP also said this in another very insightful post that I think explains the issue at hand very well:

Because, tbh, if you're someone who isn't particularly interested in HP it's basically free morality points. It's easy to do absolute fuck all and then point at others and go "see? I'm morally superior to them because I'm not sacrificing ethics for a kids book!"

The trouble is that all of us are in some way 'sacrificing ethics' all the time in order to maintain the lifestyle we've grown accustomed to. And I'll add that in ways that are much more flagrant than simply talking about a book online. I don't see these people being nearly as gung-ho about everyone giving up amazon or twitter or else they're evil, when using those platforms has a DIRECT, completely unambiguous effect on our society. The reason they're so intense about this in particular is because not caring about HP is something they're already doing without expending any effort whatsoever, therefore it's an easy, cheap way to feel better about themselves at the expense of others.

The thing is they have sell us that our morality and our values are what we consume and how we consume it. You are the show you like and the clothes you buy. They tell you that you are what you consume but what you consume is all poison because we are trapped in a world of exploitation. The show you like has abusers behind it. The clothes you bought were made by children. What you pay for has been made with forced labour and death and blood and tears. You cannot base your values in what you consume because capitalism is inherently exploitative.

THIS SAID please stop giving her money. Don't watch the new show. There's no ethical consumption under capitalism and what you consume doesn't reflect your values but sometimes you can take a stand that has some meaning. It's very easy to stop giving her money. You can enjoy HP without giving her money. There's no ethical consumption under capitalism but there is kindness. You can always choose to be kind.

What your opinion on all this talk of leaving the hp/marauder fandom because it directly/indirectly supports JKR? Do you have any desire to leave?

Well my opinion is that I can understand it completely if people choose to do so, but personally I have no desire to leave nor intention of leaving. I understand that it might bother individual people but I'm not asking anyone to look at this blog; in fact the reason I started to use this sideblog is so I could keep everything HP-related away from people who choose not to see it. While I think HP's cultural relevance today is such that it's impossible to avoid entirely, I do empathise with people who'd rather not see it. If someone wished to block me for continuing to blog about HP, I think that might be the healthiest option for everyone involved.

Anyway, I understand why this is happening and I think it's important to discuss. But that's the point. It's important to discuss, not stick our fingers in our ears.

I think this is a great post about it! Here are my own (long-winded) thoughts:

Personally I fundamentally disagree with the idea that we should stop reading and discussing works written by bad people. I don't believe that's a constructive or healthy way to engage with literature. If nobody's left to discuss something as culturally relevant as HP (or LotR, or whatever) critically, then what is the point of literature in the first place? Is it pure entertainment and therefore easily discarded? Ftr I'm also firmly against banning (even socially 'banning') literature of ANY sort, for ANY reason. "You shouldn't read X because it's morally wrong" is to me ultimately a conservative belief.

Anyway: I find it pretty obvious that JKR said 'if you like my books you agree with me' PURPOSEFULLY to cause this kind of a reaction, because she knew it would cause her detractors to become hyperfocused on pointing fingers at each other and thought policing each other over a kids book rather than focusing on what's actually going on. I don't think we should be playing into it, and I don't think even JKR believes it herself-- I think it was deliberate. And tbh from what I can see it has had the exact effect she intended.

The other thing I'll say is that (and tbf I can't say for sure) but I suspect that the online HP fandom might be exaggerating its own importance a little bit. Tbh I think that even if the online (and more liberal) fandom disappeared overnight there would still be tens of thousands of kids (the target audience, after all) discovering and reading Harry Potter for themselves across the globe. Scores of parents and aunts and grandparents who know nothing about JKR buying those books for the kids in their family. And that's not counting the people who actually do agree with JKR. Yes fandom disappearing might have some small impact, but tbh I think it would be all but insignificant. It would be much more, like infinitely more, materially significant for people in fandom to donate time and/or money to trans organisations in their own countries. ((I also think what would be somewhat helpful is for fandom to take responsibility in encouraging people not to watch the HBO series. The success of the series is imo more contingent on online opinion than the books.))

There are also millions of people still using twitter, instagram, and amazon, despite the very real material damage caused by Musk, Zuckerberg, and Bezos, and that's a MUCH more direct cause-and-effect than simply talking about Harry Potter because using those platforms LITERALLY lines the pockets of those individuals. I will say that if you're on twitter telling people they should stop talking about Harry Potter I simply will not take you seriously loll 😂

I guess there is probably some amount of people who discovered HP through, idk, Marauders tiktok and decided to read the series, but how significant is this number? It's incredibly difficult to grow up in most countries around the world and not come across Harry Potter in some way. For good or ill I do think HP is en route to becoming a children's classic. If tumblr goes down and my blog and all the blogs I interact with on here disappear, I don't think this would change.

On the other hand, simply for posterity I do think there's some value in continuing to discuss it-- all of it, including the reality of who the author is, the cultural relevance of HP, the text itself and what this all means given its significance in our culture. And it's important to discuss it critically, honestly, and constructively. It's remarkably easy with HP to avoid giving money to the author, which is something I believe to be worthwhile, so tbh I can't bring myself to agree with 'it would be better if we stopped talking about it' in a general sense. Personally I don't think the only people left discussing it should be right wing maniacs lol-- again, for posterity if nothing else.

Also I think there's a slightly worrying tendency on the liberal 'left' (which is typically the majority in most fandom spaces) to shut down conversation and discussion in general, particularly if those conversations are uncomfortable. You see thought-terminating clichés frequently deployed in such spaces and I think it's just not helpful. Seeing posts from supposed leftists trying to convince people that it's morally wrong to even THINK about Harry Potter is pretty wild to me, tbh. I think that for a while now there's been much more of a focus among the left on idealism over materialism, to the point where material reality is totally ignored in favour of, essentially, trying to get everyone to think the correct thoughts. To me this just isn't a productive or intellectually responsible approach.

What is the material benefit of all of us simply shutting up about Harry Potter forever? How does this actually help anyone beyond yourself and your own conscience? To me it seems like ultimately a performative and virtue signalling action that is pretty meaningless when you're not doing anything else, and is particularly meaningless when you're not applying this to literally anything else in your life. Fandom isn't activism, but by extension NOT-fandom also isn't activism haha. Personally I dislike Marvel films and think they're barely-disguised propaganda for the American military-industrial complex, but I don't think it's evil for people to write their Bucky/Steve fanfiction or whatever lmao. And I certainly don't think it's wrong to discuss Marvel films, the opposite in fact, I think they should be critically discussed.

So, basically, I think it's perfectly understandable that people would want to leave the fandom. But ultimately I think that's an action you're taking for yourself, and I don't think there's much to be gained from refusing to discuss things deemed 'morally wrong.' I think to a certain extent it's natural and probably healthy to feel some guilt about it all, but also perhaps it's worth questioning why we feel such extreme guilt about this, which is really just people talking to each other about books, and not about the 486948736 other much more unambiguously destructive things we do with our time and money on a daily basis.

As long as we're willing to discuss this topic honestly and constructively, to be conscious and empathetic towards others, and to refrain from spending any money on HP-related products, I don't think it's wrong to remain in the fandom tbh. To deny HP's impact on today's literary landscape would be, imo, dishonest, so therefore somebody has to discuss it. And I'd much rather there be a variety of opinions within that discussion.

[twcfaces]

The urge to write weird sexual tension about Harvey Dent and professional Harvey Dent actor Paul Sloane has not left me.

Cheap-ass fake bootleg Two-Face his face isn't even permanently deformed!!! :|

[soracities]

People are wild lol rap does actually take a certain level of skill to both perform and understand, it takes five seconds of research to see that theres decent lyricism going on there. Lots of rappers are actually great at english, they dont all know the official terms for the things they practice but rapping is like a form of poetry really.

ofc there are subgenres that i personally do not like such as mumble rap (a conversation for another time i digress) but if you take for example kendrick's latest diss tracks to drake, its something that has to literally be studied and broken down by a bunch of people lol and once you break it down and understand the refrences you see that its not just a bunch of words and a beat. of course white people will think something they dont understand is ghetto trash what else is new lol they're the kings of ostricizing and devaluing what they dont understand. They did it to jazz they did it to metal and alternative music and they do it to rap.

At the end of the day, culture is a thing that will be understood by those who are meant to understand it. You dont have to like rap to acknowledge that its an art, but calling it trash and refusing to see it from any point of view but your own speaks for itself.

And for the record, im not a rap fan lol its a genre i hardly listen to in fact, but what i am is an artist, and i can acknowledge art when i see it.

i'll be honest, i don't think lack of understanding is solely what comes into it, if at all. the genres that get the most aggressive pushback are also ones that threaten a cultural hegdemony in their respective societies (white, male, christian etc) and that's not a coincidence. rap gets the worst of this and ultimately i don't think it has ever boiled down to not knowing what GOAT means and a lot more to do with overt and tacit hostility towards black people making outspoken art on their own terms in a deeply racist society.

but otherwise i completely agree with you! the lyrical complexity, rhyming schemes and dexterity at play in a good rap song is second to none and you could absolutely teach a literature class on it. it is as much a poetic medium as anything else while also encompassing its own deeply layered, complex and distinct sensibilities--just like, literally, every other art form on earth! to pretend otherwise is just ludicrous at this point.

[boysnberriespie]

Everybody going to bat for millionaires will always piss me off… like there are millions of millionaires in America… do you NOT think that they are a significant subgroup of people in comparison to the ~800ish billionaires??? (To be clear, billionaires should just die 😐 yes I’m serious)

Like, I think it’s significant that there are millions of millionaires that Don’t Give a FUCK and aren’t doing shit in comparison to millions of people in literal poverty or just living paycheck to paycheck.

Like again, I criticize my own damn peers for their ambivalence, I sure as hell am gonna criticize a piece of shit with millions in the bank who doesn’t want to do FUCK ALL for fear of losing the ability to gain millions more… like, idc if it’s not “speaking out” or donating or going full hog on becoming an activist, it pisses me off.

Inaction is an action, and it is often a violent one.

[dangoulains-devotion]

every time I have to wade through inane ship wars where people are willfully ignorant to the depth and facets of cloud strife's character, circumstance, and story just so I can find some cool screenshots or fanart my 'cloud is ace' agenda simply grows more potent out of spite

[ahqkas]

♯ THE TASTE OF HEAVEN . . . sugar daddy ! batboys x fem ! reader

BRUCE WAYNE

bruce wayne doesn’t need to flaunt his wealth because he is the wealth. he doesn’t call himself your sugar daddy—it’s just implied in every action, every gift, and every moment he spends with you. whether it’s a sleek black card handed to you with no spending limit or a private plane waiting to take you to an exotic destination, bruce makes luxury feel effortless

you can forget off-the-rack anything. bruce ensures you have custom clothing, jewelry, and even furniture. he’ll casually remark, “i had the designer make a few changes for you,” as though commissioning bespoke items for you is just another tuesday

his gifts are never tacky or gaudy—this man has impeccable taste, and everything he gives you reflects that. think diamond necklaces that catch the light just right, limited-edition handbags, or handwritten invitations to exclusive events where you’re his arm candy

you’re the arm candy !!! bruce’s automatic date to every high-profile gala, charity ball, and exclusive event. he wouldn’t even think of bringing anyone else. he makes it clear you’re not just an accessory, you’re the highlight of his night

you have a tab at nearly every high-end establishment in gotham. whether you’re shopping for couture or just stopping by your favorite café, bruce ensures you’re treated like royalty. everyone knows exactly who’s footing the bill

bruce isn’t the type to throw money at you just because—he always wants to make sure it’s something meaningful or useful to you. if you mention wanting to start a business or learn a new skill, he’ll quietly arrange everything you need, from connections to resources

while his gifts are extravagant, his affection shows in quieter ways too. when you’re stressed, he whisks you away for a weekend spa retreat. if you’re cold, he’ll drape his expensive coat over your shoulders without hesitation. every gesture, big or small, is about making your life as comfortable as possible

people know bruce is your sugar daddy, but they’re far too intimidated to say anything. the whispered assumptions only make him smirk. he doesn’t care what anyone thinks—if anything, he enjoys the power it gives him to make it abundantly clear that you’re his

despite the sugar daddy thing between you, bruce’s affection runs far deeper. he doesn’t just give you gifts—he gives you his time, his attention, and his unwavering loyalty. the material luxuries are just an extension of the way he sees you: as someone deserving of nothing but the best

he’ll sometimes joke about the arrangement with a mischievous smile. “you’re lucky i’m rich,” he’ll say, handing you keys to a new car or sliding over a box containing some ridiculously rare jewelry. but his tone is warm, his teasing more affectionate than condescending

DICK GRAYSON

unlike bruce, dick doesn’t shy away from the term “sugar daddy.” in fact, he might jokingly call himself that from time to time, especially when handing you an absurdly expensive gift

( dick ‘what’s the point of having all this money if i can’t spoil my girl?’ grayson )

while he spoils you endlessly, he does it in a way that feels personal and heartfelt. every gift, trip, or gesture reflects how well he knows you. if you casually mention a dream vacation destination or a favorite designer, you can bet it’ll show up in your life sooner rather than later

he is the kind of sugar daddy who makes spoiling you fun. he’ll turn shopping trips into mini-games, daring you to try on the most extravagant pieces in the store just so he can gush over how amazing you look. “if you don’t let me buy that dress, i’ll be personally offended,” he’d tease, but you know he’s serious

dick loves being seen with you. whether it’s walking hand in hand down the streets of blüdhaven or pulling up to a gala with you in tow, he thrives on showing the world just how proud he is to have you by his side. and yes, he does things like carrying your shopping bags with zero shame, flashing that charming grin at anyone who stares

doesn’t wait for a special occasion to surprise you. whether it’s a bouquet of your favorite flowers, a new gadget you’ve been eyeing, or tickets to a concert you love, he’s constantly finding ways to brighten your day

with dick, every vacation feels like a scene from a romance movie. he books private villas, sunset yacht rides, and five-star experiences, all while making it feel like the most casual, natural thing in the world. “i just thought we could use a break,” he’d say, as if flying you out to the maldives was as simple as grabbing coffee

he’s always finding ways to make you laugh, even about the relationship itself. if someone gives you a side-eye for carrying a designer purse, he’ll lean over and whisper, “they’re just jealous, babe. can you blame them?” his lighthearted attitude makes the relationship feel easy and natural

with his good looks and high-profile status, the press is obsessed with you two. headlines like “blüdhaven’s golden boy and his stunning girlfriend” are a constant, but dick takes it in stride, often laughing at the exaggerations

“you deserve the world,” he’d say, his blue eyes sparkling. “let me give it to you.”

JASON TODD

jason didn’t immediately step into the role of “sugar daddy.” in fact, he hesitated because he didn’t want his wealth to define your relationship. but as time passed and he saw how much joy he could bring you by easing your stress, he leaned into it—but only his way

for jason, being your sugar daddy isn’t about flashy displays or media attention—it’s about making sure you’re secure and comfortable in a way no one else could provide. he loves knowing you don’t have to worry about rent, bills, or any other mundane stressors. “if i can fix it, i’m going to,” he says simply, brushing off your thanks like it’s no big deal

he might not shower you with gifts constantly, but when he does, it’s jaw-dropping: a rare first-edition book he remembered you mentioned once, a custom leather jacket, or even a dream vacation to a quiet, secluded spot where you can both relax away from the chaos of gotham

jason is practical when it comes to what he provides. he’ll upgrade your phone, stock your fridge with your favorite snacks, and even surprise you with a car when he notices yours struggling. “i’m not about to let you drive around in that death trap,” he grumbles as he tosses you the keys

and while he’s not the type to parade you through expensive stores, jason shows his affection in quieter, more personal ways. he might take you on a motorcycle ride to a hidden gotham rooftop, where he surprises you with your favorite takeout and a designer bag “he happened to pick up”

despite his tough exterior, he has a serious soft spot for you. if you so much as hint at wanting something, he’s already making plans to get it. he’ll pretend it’s no big deal, but his little smirk always gives him away

jason sometimes pretends to be annoyed by how much he spoils you, but it’s all in good fun. “you’re turning me into one of those rich guys,” he’ll grumble, handing you a sleek gift box. but the way his lips twitch into a smile when you beam at him says otherwise

you’ll come home to find an envelope with tickets to your favorite band’s concert or a designer coat hanging in your closet because he noticed the weather getting colder. “what? you think i didn’t notice you shivering last week?”

he doesn’t like the idea of anyone else stepping in to provide for you. if someone so much as jokes about taking you out or buying you a drink, he’s quick to step in, slinging an arm around your shoulders and shooting them a glare. “she’s taken. move along.”

he makes sure you feel safe, cared for, and endlessly spoiled in his own rough-edged, loving way <3

ADDITIONAL NOTE! if you like my work , please consider reblogging and / or commenting . thank you if you do 🤍

[astrolook]

Who Do You Attract? Your 7th House Holds the Answers! 💫❤️

Note: These are all my personal observations thru the years and leave me a comment below letting me know whether it resonates with you or not. Also, I concentrated only on the good side of the 7th lord.

7th House through the signs:

🔥 Fire Signs (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius) - You need a partner who keeps life exciting. These partners are bold, independent, and maybe a little unpredictable. Love feels like an adventure, not a routine. Wants a movie-style romance.

🌬 Air Signs (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius) – Your ideal partner is intellectual, social, and communicative. Conversations are everything. If they can’t hold an interesting conversation, your attraction dies instantly. You either ghost or get ghosted.

🌊 Water Signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces) – You attract deep, emotional, and intuitive lovers. Love needs to feel like a soul connection, not just a surface-level fling. These relationships can be intense but oh-so-transformative. Love is either magical and life-changing or a dramatic tragedy.

🌍 Earth Signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn) – Stability is key. Your best partner is grounded, responsible, and maybe a little traditional or bit conservative. No messy drama, just real commitment and reliability.

7th House Ruler Through the Houses(Future Spouse-FS):

7th Lord in 1st house - Your FS will find you whether you are looking for or not. Relationships define your identity more than you’d like to admit. Your FS would play a huge role in shaping your life. They would see you as a "husband/wifey material" almost instantly. Have seen this placement where the 7th lord person fell in love at first sight with the 1st house person. If not afflicted, could get married before 28 or 29. Marriage would feel like a major identity shift.

7th lord in 2nd house - Your FS is either a financially responsible person or comes from wealth. Love is slow-building, but when you commit, it's rock solid. Your partner’s voice could be super attractive. You might find their words especially persuasive or charming. Your FS will have strong values and expect stability in relationships. They likely take commitment seriously and won’t tolerate uncertainty. Stability and long-term security will be at the heart of your marriage, making it one that lasts through life’s ups and downs.

7th lord in 3rd house - Your future spouse will be talkative, witty, and possibly younger at heart. You might meet them through social media, a sibling, a neighbor, or while traveling. You in-laws could be chatty or nosey. Short-distance travel could be a theme in your marriage. Your FS will always have a new hobby or skill they’re working on. Expect lots of jokes, sarcasm, and clever remarks from your FS.

7th lord in 4th house - Your FS would feel like home. They would be emotional, intense and protective of you. Your FS would dream of building a strong family with you after meeting you. You could meet your FS in famililar places like your neighborhood/hometown, school/uni reunion, a family event, etc. They could become a homemaker or work from home or just your FS career would take a backseat after having kids.

7th lord in 5th house - Your FS would have a youthful, playful energy, no matter their actual age. Think “aging like fine wine but acting like an overgrown teenager sometimes." They would be child-like and their confidence would be attractive to you. If kids are in the cards, Your FS would make an amazing parent. Think matching outfits and "my kid is the best" energy. Your FS would make you feel special and would fight for you through thick and thin.

7th lord in 6th house - Your FS would be career-oriented. They are practical in love. Acts of service are their love language. Love isn't just a feeling for them, it's a responsibility. If you get sick, they baby you completely and also would spoil you with their devotion.

7th lord in 7th house - Your FS will be exactly the type of person you imagine marrying… or the exact opposite, just to keep life interesting. They’ll be charming, social, and possibly someone others lowkey have a crush on too. You’re attracting grown-up, commitment-ready energy. They take relationships seriously, but don’t expect boring. They’ll either be your best friend or your most thrilling challenge. Maybe both.

7th lord in 8th house - Your FS possibly knows all your secrets before you even tell them. Either they’re wealthier than you or high-status, or inherit something wild, or you two somehow build an empire together. If they’re into you, they’re into you forever. You might meet them in a weird or fated way. (One of my friends met her man at a car dealership and now married for 4 years).

7th lord in 9th house - Your FS might be from a different country or far away from you, culture, or just someone who is bilingual. Long-distance might be a thing. You could meet your FS through far-away trips or through the internet. You two might elope too. You and your FS are like travel vlogging couples/family.

7th lord in 10th house - Your FS either comes from an influential or respectable family or are working hard to become "somebody." Status matters to them. You two could be living a public life. Your FS will have their life put together when you meet them. You might end up helping them with their career or even going into business together. They want a partner who adds to their success story so you’re the Michelle to their Barack. A power couple.

7th lord in 11th house - Your FS is your best friend first, life partner second, and possibly a social butterfly third. You’re likely to meet them through friends, at a party, or while arguing in a Reddit thread. You both are partners-in-crime. Your FS is someone that you won't date normally like think "not my type but perfect match."

7th lord in 12th house - Your FS might be super private, lowkey or someone from a different culture/lives far away from you. They bring a sense of unconditional love, but sometimes it feels like you’re dating an enigma wrapped in a riddle. A weird psychic connection between you two exists. Love might feel like a secret affair and sometimes this placement hide their marital status or just keep their married life really private.

🌟✨ Do you want to unlock the secrets of your birth chart or dive deep into your synastry with your loved one? 💫💖

📩 DM me for a complete astrology reading or a synastry compatibility reading! 🌙💕

✨🌠 Check out my pinned post for pricing! 🔮💫

[plutosunshine]

PLUTO: your personal power

How to find your personal transformative power? Of course, we should look at the Pluto. Pluto is the place where the power of transformation starts. The house it resides in can show us how we can open up our strengths and let them transform our lives. I will look into the Pluto in the houses to answer that question. Of course, there are others placements that show power and strength but I would like to dive deep into the Pluto world. After all, the name of my blog is Plutosunshine!

Also, for those reading this post I offer to dig deep into your Pluto placement (and how it connects with the chart) to know what your personal power is — just 15 dollars. Don’t miss that opportunity!

Pluto in the 1st house

Having Pluto in the 1st house means you're someone who's meant to transform — again and again. You're not here to stay the same or follow the status quo. There's a deep intensity to you, something people can feel even if you don't say much. You've probably noticed that people are drawn to you, or maybe even a little intimidated, and you might not always understand why. That's Pluto — it gives off a powerful, magnetic energy.

To tap into your transformative power, start by really embracing change, even when it feels uncomfortable or chaotic. Life will probably push you through a lot of big shifts — but each one is meant to strip away what's false and bring you closer to your most authentic self. You grow stronger every time you let go of what no longer fits.

Another key part of your power is learning to accept your shadow side — those parts of you that feel too intense, emotional, or misunderstood. The more you own those parts instead of hiding them, the more powerful and grounded you become. Your depth is a gift, not a weakness.

You're also here to be unapologetically real. You don't need to shrink yourself to make others feel at ease. When you walk into a room fully being yourself, people feel your presence. That's part of your impact — you shift the energy just by being there.

Because you're wired to go deep, you're also someone who can heal. When you've worked through your own stuff, you naturally become a guide for others, whether you realize it or not. Your story, your intensity, your ability to rise again — all of that inspires people around you.

Pluto in the 2nd house

Pluto in the 2nd house is all about deep transformation around money, self-worth, values, and control — especially when it comes to your relationship with security and stability.

You’re not the type who just wants to "make money" in a surface-level way. You want to own your power, and for you, money, resources, and possessions can feel like a way to have control over your life. But here’s the thing — Pluto brings transformation through loss and rebirth. So throughout life, you might experience times where you lose something important (money, a job, stability), only to rebuild from the ground up and come back even stronger.

This placement teaches you that real power doesn’t come from what you have — it comes from who you are without it. Once you figure that out, you become unstoppable. You learn how to generate your own value, your own security, and build wealth in a way that feels deeply empowering and aligned with your soul.

There’s also this deep drive to get to the truth of things. You’re not into fluff. You want to know what’s real, what lasts, and what holds value — whether that’s in relationships, finances, or your own self-worth. You might have a talent for seeing through superficial success and knowing what’s truly valuable underneath.

And yeah, there can be some control issues here too — either clinging too tightly to money and material stuff out of fear, or swinging the other way and rejecting it completely. Finding balance is key. You’re meant to learn how to hold power without letting it control you.

At your best, you can become someone who transforms not only your own financial reality but also helps others do the same. You could be amazing at healing people’s money mindset, uncovering hidden talents, or building something valuable from scratch.

Pluto in the 3rd house

Pluto in the 3rd house? That’s deep, powerful stuff when it comes to your mind, communication, and how you process and share information.

You don’t do small talk. You crave real conversations — the kind that cut through the surface and get to the heart of things. When you speak, there’s often a weight to your words. You might not say much unless it matters, but when you do speak? People listen. There's something magnetic in how you express yourself.

Your mind works like an x-ray machine — you see through the noise, the lies, the distractions. You’re probably very observant, possibly quiet at times, but you're always picking up on what's not being said. It’s like you’re tuned into the hidden motives or the emotional undercurrents in conversations.

This placement also points to a strong potential for mental transformation throughout your life. Maybe early on, you dealt with environments that felt intense, controlling, or even toxic — especially related to siblings, school, or how you were allowed to express yourself. But over time, you learn to reclaim your voice and your mind. And once you do? You become incredibly persuasive, powerful, and insightful.

There can also be this compulsive curiosity — like you need to figure out how things work, especially people’s minds or deeper truths. You’d probably be amazing at research, psychology, writing, even occult studies. Anything that lets you dive deep and expose what’s hidden.

But be mindful of how you use your words — because with Pluto here, your voice can be healing or destructive. You have the power to influence people’s thinking, to help them see things in a totally new way. So learning how to wield that power with intention and care is a big part of your journey.

Also — don’t be afraid to let go of old mental patterns. Pluto in the 3rd can hold on to ideas, thoughts, or inner narratives for too long. Transformation happens when you’re willing to challenge what you think you know and open up to deeper truths.

Pluto in the 4th house

Pluto in the 4th house hits deep — this one goes straight to the core of who you are beneath the surface. It’s about your emotional foundation, your family roots, your home life, and your inner world. And with Pluto here, none of that is light or simple.

You probably grew up in an environment that felt intense, secretive, or even emotionally heavy. Maybe there were power dynamics in the family, unspoken rules, or a feeling like you had to protect yourself or stay on high alert. Whatever the story is, your childhood likely shaped you in a big way — and not always in ways you could fully understand at the time.

This placement gives you emotional depth and inner strength that most people can’t even begin to comprehend. You feel things intensely, but you might not always show it on the outside. You’ve learned to guard your inner world, to protect your vulnerabilities. You might keep your true self hidden unless you really trust someone — and even then, it can take time.

One of your biggest transformations in life comes through healing your relationship with your past — your family, your upbringing, and your emotional wounds. You’re meant to dive into all of that, not avoid it. The more you face what’s buried, the more you reclaim your personal power.

You’re also someone who needs a home that feels like a sanctuary. A place where you can go deep, retreat, and fully be yourself. You're not into surface-level comfort — you want a space with soul. And once you’ve done the inner work, you might even be the kind of person who helps others heal emotionally or create a safe space for transformation.

Sometimes Pluto in the 4th brings up themes around control or fear of losing stability — like trying to control your environment or relationships just to feel safe. But real strength comes when you learn to trust yourself emotionally and let go of needing everything to be under your control.

Bottom line: You’re here to transform from the inside out. To face the shadows of the past, rise above them, and build a foundation that’s emotionally solid and truly yours.

Pluto in the 5th house

Pluto in the 5th house brings intensity, passion, and deep transformation to all things related to self-expression, creativity, romance, and even how you experience joy.

This placement gives you a powerful desire to create — not just in the artistic sense, but to put your whole soul into something and watch it come to life. Whether it’s art, writing, music, performance, business, or even how you love someone — you don’t do anything halfway. When you express yourself, it’s raw, real, and magnetic. People can feel that you're not just creating for fun — you're creating from your core.

Romance and love affairs? Yeah... those don’t stay light either. You go all in. Love for you is intense, consuming, and often transformative. You might attract partners who challenge you, awaken you, or force you to confront parts of yourself you didn’t even know were there. There can be power struggles or deep emotional entanglements, but they’re never boring — these relationships are meant to change you.

There’s also this undercurrent of craving significance. Not in an ego way, but in a “I need what I do and who I love to matter” kind of way. Casual doesn’t cut it. You want to feel alive, seen, and fully self-expressed. At the same time, you might fear losing control — over your creativity, your heart, or your sense of self — so you might hold back or keep certain passions hidden until you feel safe.

At your highest expression, you become someone who channels their creativity and passion in a way that moves others. You don’t just entertain or express — you transform through your art, your love, and your joy.

Pluto in the 6th house

Pluto in the 6th house is deep transformation through the day-to-day grind — work, routines, health, service, and how you manage your responsibilities. Sounds practical, right? But Pluto doesn’t do shallow, even in the 6th. This placement means you’re here to evolve through the details of life.

You don’t just “go to work” or “take care of your health” — you feel a powerful, almost obsessive pull to do things well, to be in control of your environment, your workflow, and your body. You might be super focused on productivity, efficiency, or constantly improving yourself. And yeah, there can be perfectionist vibes here — because deep down, you may feel like control equals safety.

At some point in life, though, Pluto will challenge that mindset. There might be times when you burn out, get sick, or feel like your entire daily structure has to be torn down and rebuilt from scratch. That’s Pluto pushing you to transform how you handle stress, self-discipline, and your physical well-being.

You may also attract intense work situations — environments where power dynamics, manipulation, or control issues come into play. But that’s not random. These experiences help you learn how to stand in your own power without getting caught in toxic patterns.

Health-wise, this placement often calls for deep healing, not just physically, but emotionally and energetically. Your body can hold onto stress or emotional baggage, so it's important to pay attention to the root of any imbalances, not just the symptoms. You might even be drawn to alternative or transformative healing methods — like detoxing, shadow work, or energy healing — anything that helps cleanse from the inside out.

You have the potential to be a powerful healer, organizer, or problem-solver — especially once you’ve done the inner work. People may come to you because they sense you don’t just “fix” things — you transform them.

Pluto in the 7th house

Pluto in the 7th house? Oof — this is a powerful one when it comes to relationships. You're not here for light, casual connections. You're here to dive deep, to merge, and to transform through the people you’re closest to.

The 7th house rules partnerships — romantic, business, close one-on-one connections — and with Pluto sitting there, those relationships are often intense, magnetic, and sometimes... a little messy. Power struggles, obsession, deep attraction, and control issues can all show up at some point in your life. But it’s not to punish you — it’s to teach you how to find your own power within relationships, not through them.

You might attract partners who are intense, mysterious, or controlling — or you could be the one holding the reins. Either way, your relationships aren’t surface-level. They shake you, challenge you, and force you to grow. You may even go through major relationship breakdowns that feel like emotional death and rebirth experiences. But with every one, you come out stronger and more self-aware.

There’s also a theme here around learning to balance power — not giving yours away to please others, but also not trying to dominate or fix them. Pluto in the 7th is about finding equal, transformative partnerships — ones where both people grow, evolve, and bring out the deeper layers of each other’s truth.

You're someone who can’t fake connection. You crave realness, loyalty, soul-bonded intensity. When you're in a relationship that feels safe and aligned, you become incredibly loyal, protective, and powerful as a partner. You might even help others face their shadows or break their own patterns — just by being in their life.

If you haven’t already, you'll likely go through at least one life-altering relationship that shifts everything you thought you knew about love and partnership. And that relationship (even if it doesn’t last) will unlock a whole new level of personal power.

Pluto in the 8th house

Pluto in the 8th house is straight-up next-level deep — like, soul-level transformation kind of deep. This is Pluto in its home, so if you have this placement, you’re basically carrying intense, raw, psychic energy that most people can’t even begin to understand. You’re not here to live on the surface — you’re here to die and be reborn, over and over, emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically.

This placement gives you a natural connection to the hidden, the taboo, the unseen. You’re drawn to topics most people shy away from: death, rebirth, sex, trauma, power, energy, mysticism, the subconscious. You might have a fascination with psychology, occult stuff, healing, or even money that comes from others (like inheritances, shared resources, investments, etc.).

Emotionally, you feel things with intensity — but you don’t always show it. You’re probably very private, maybe even secretive, because you don’t trust easily. You know how messy people can be under the mask, and you’re not about to hand your soul over unless someone’s earned it. And when you do open up? It’s deep, consuming, life-changing love. No in-between.

With Pluto here, life will likely push you into situations where you’re forced to let go — of control, of attachments, of the idea that you can protect yourself from pain. It may come through relationships, loss, betrayal, or deep emotional experiences that shake you. But through those experiences, you unlock your true power — the kind that comes from facing the dark and surviving it.

There may also be a natural ability to help others through their own transformations. You could be a guide, a healer, a counselor — or just someone whose presence alone makes people confront their shadows and grow. You're not afraid of darkness — you work with it.

If you're not consciously working with this energy, it can come out sideways — jealousy, emotional control, fear of betrayal, or power struggles. But once you own it? You become a force. Like a phoenix that rises from the ashes every damn time.

Pluto in the 9th house

Pluto in the 9th house? Now that’s the placement of a truth-seeker, a belief-breaker, and someone who’s here to completely transform their worldview over the course of their life.

You’re not interested in surface-level knowledge or blindly following what you’ve been taught. You want to dig deep, uncover hidden truths, and challenge the systems — religion, philosophy, culture, education — anything that tells you “this is how it is.” Your mind is built to go beyond that. You want to know — not just believe — and that desire can lead you to explore some seriously deep or even taboo topics.

There’s often a powerful transformation that happens through travel, higher education, or spiritual awakening. It might start with questioning what you were raised to believe. Maybe you were taught one version of the truth growing up — and at some point, it just didn’t fit anymore. So you broke away, maybe even dramatically, and went on your own journey to find what’s real for you.

People with Pluto in the 9th are often drawn to the occult, metaphysics, esoteric studies, psychology, philosophy, or anything that challenges traditional thinking. You might have the soul of a philosopher, teacher, mystic, or rebel scholar — someone who doesn’t just accept ideas but dissects them, transforms them, and helps others do the same.

You also have this intensity when it comes to your personal truth. Once you believe in something, you believe it with everything in you. But part of your growth is learning that beliefs can evolve — that clinging too hard to one “truth” can become its own kind of prison.

You could be a powerful teacher or guide, especially when it comes to helping others see beyond their limits. Your words, your perspective, your insight? It can change people’s lives. But first, you’ve gotta go through your own journey of death and rebirth — mentally, spiritually, even culturally.

Pluto in the 10th house

Now that’s a powerhouse placement. You’re here to transform the world through your presence, your ambition, and the legacy you leave behind. There’s something magnetic about the way you move in the world — even if you’re not loud about it, people feel your intensity.

The 10th house is about career, reputation, public image, and authority — and Pluto brings transformation, control, and raw power to all of it. You’re not just here to “have a job.” You’re here to own your path, to rise to the top of whatever field you’re in, and to make an impact. Even if it takes time, you’re wired to build something lasting, and you won’t stop until you do.

That said, it’s rarely a straight shot to success. With Pluto here, you might go through some serious ups and downs with your career or public identity. There could be major shifts — like climbing the ladder, crashing hard, and rising from the ashes even stronger. You learn through these experiences how to let go of old versions of yourself and step into something more powerful each time.

You might also experience intense dynamics with authority figures — bosses, parents, institutions — where control and power play a huge role. Maybe you resist being controlled, or maybe you’ve had to wrestle with your own need to be the one in control. Either way, you're here to redefine what power looks like — for yourself and others.

People might project their expectations or fears onto you because you have a commanding energy. Whether you realize it or not, others see you as someone who’s meant for big things. That can be intimidating, but it’s also your edge. Once you stop trying to blend in and start owning that you're a natural leader or influencer, things shift.

You’re here to lead by transforming systems, not just following them. That could mean building a business, changing an industry, or becoming the kind of authority figure you wish you'd had. Legacy matters to you — not in a flashy way, but in a deep, lasting way. You want your work to mean something.

Pluto in the 11th house

Pluto in the 11th house is next-level transformation through your connections with the collective — friendships, communities, social movements, and your long-term vision for the future. This is the placement of someone who’s here to shake up the status quo and change the system from the inside out.

You’re not here to just “fit in.” You’re here to find your soul tribe — people who are deep, real, and ready to evolve with you. Superficial social scenes? Nah, that’s not your vibe. You crave connections that have meaning, purpose, and maybe even a little intensity. In fact, your friendships might go through some heavy shifts over time — people coming and going, betrayals, loyalty tests, or just straight-up energetic mismatches that force you to level up.

And the people you do keep around? They can be powerful allies. You’re someone who can attract influential or deeply transformative individuals into your life — and your presence can do the same for them. You help others grow just by being real and pushing them to look deeper at themselves and the world.

This placement also gives you a serious obsession (in a good way) with your vision for the future. You want to create change — whether it’s through activism, innovation, spiritual work, art, or just breaking old systems that don’t serve people anymore. There’s a revolutionary vibe to you, like you’re lowkey always scanning society for what needs to die so something better can be built in its place.

Sometimes you might feel like an outsider, especially if your ideas are too "much" for the people around you. But that's part of your journey — learning to stand strong in your truth and finding or building communities that get it.

There can also be control themes around groups or social dynamics. Maybe you want to lead or resist being led. Maybe you’re drawn to secret or exclusive groups. Or maybe you've felt used or overlooked in social circles. But the key is learning how to hold power with others, not over them.

Bottom line: you're here to redefine what community and collaboration look like — and your influence can ripple out way further than you think.

Pluto in the 12th house

Pluto in the 12th house is some of the most powerful, mysterious, and spiritually transformative energy you can have in a birth chart. This is deep, behind-the-scenes Pluto — the kind that works in the unconscious, the soul, the hidden realms most people avoid or don’t even realize exist. If you have this placement, you’re not just on a life journey… you’re on a soul mission.

With Pluto here, you’re naturally tuned in to the invisible — dreams, symbols, energy, vibes, emotions that have no words. You might pick up on other people’s moods without trying, or feel things that others can’t explain. It’s not always easy — because you're basically carrying the emotional weight of not just yourself, but often of others or even collective pain.

There’s often a strong pull toward mysticism, spirituality, psychology, or healing. You may have had early life experiences that were deeply emotional, confusing, or that forced you inward — maybe trauma, isolation, or feeling misunderstood. But this inner world you were pushed into? It’s where your power lives. You're here to transform through surrender, trust, and the kind of healing that doesn’t happen on the surface.

This placement can sometimes make you feel like there’s something hidden within you — like a power you’re not fully sure how to access. But the more you explore your subconscious, your dreams, or your spiritual path, the more that power starts to reveal itself.

There can be periods of emotional intensity, shadow work, or even a sense of self-sabotage that you have to confront. You might find that things you’ve repressed or avoided emotionally come up in powerful waves — but facing them head-on is where your transformation happens.

You may also have a natural gift for healing, especially through spiritual or energetic means. You could be a powerful guide for others — even if it's quiet, behind-the-scenes, or unspoken. People might come to you without knowing why, drawn to your energy, your calm depth, your ability to hold space for things most people can’t.

Pluto in the 12th is like a cosmic detox — you're here to release what isn't yours, to rise through the shadows, and to awaken others by doing your own inner work.

[mxrcurysb1tch]

‧₊˚ 🪐༘⋆ જ⁀➴ Astrology observations pt. III ‧₊˚🪐༘⋆

Finally back with another post… after a month… as always take what resonates and leave the rest!

⭑.ᐟ The way I like to think about the sun, moon and rising is this: Your moon is who you are when everything else is stripped away from you. It is how you process your emotions and it’s the filter through which you see the world. It is the baseline “you” that you revert back to when you are running on empty. The rising is who you are at your best. When you’re operating from your rising sign you are at your peak performance. It’s probably the you that feels happiest. It is also who you aspire to be in life, who you want to be seen as. The sun is the “middle piece” it’s essence floats throughout your entire chart. I think of it as a subtle influence that underlies every part of you. Whenever you do anything there is always a part of your sun inside that action, thought or decision. I also like to think that the rising sign is the way in which you express your sun. For example, if you’re a Gemini sun and a Leo rising, you will express your Gemini in a Leo way.

⭑.ᐟ Fire moons may have felt like they couldn’t express negative emotions growing up and had to always seem positive and upbeat. Now they might have problems with opening up or admitting that they even experience sadness and pain. They might be masters at putting on a front with people even when they are losing it completely inside.

⭑.ᐟ Venus dominant people/strong Venus ie, Venus in Taurus (or Libra) Venus in 1h, Venus as chart ruler. They might be preoccupied with looks, their own and that of their partner. They can be very picky when it comes to choosing someone to date, which can be a good thing but can sometimes stop them from making real deep connections with people. They need to be careful not to choose people just based on looks.

⭑.ᐟ Saturn and Venus conjunction can look like someone who is blessed with a lot of material wealth but feels like it could be taken away at any time. It could also look like someone who loves to be given princess treatment/spoiled but feels very guilty when receiving money and time from other people. Natives can also feel guilty about their own wealth and have a deep understanding that not everyone is as fortunate as they are.

⭑.ᐟ Women with Capricorn placements / prominent Saturn love getting tattoos and piercings. It’s something about the permanence of it and perhaps a little about the pain… as is Saturn’s “motto” no pain no gain.

⭑.ᐟ Pluto in the 7h- extreme jealousy in relationships. Either you attract it or you are the jealous one. Also a lot of instability with friendships. Moving friend groups a lot, not having stable friendships or relationships throughout your life. A lot of projection onto the other person, mirroring back their behaviours. It’s not a comfortable placement to have especially if it’s in synastry too.

⭑.ᐟ Sagittarius moons are super extroverted and love being out in the world BUT they also really love spending time in their rooms. Maybe this is bc the 2 sag moons that I know both have earth suns but I’ve noticed that they spend a lot of time in their rooms gaming and hiding away.

⭑.ᐟ Nobody talks enough about how funny Aquarius placements are, especially moon and sun. In my experience they are the best at coming up with hilarious inside jokes.

⭑.ᐟ People with planets in the 1h (especially if it’s the sun or moon or a stellium) are so genuine and you can tell they are not hiding who they truly are, they couldn’t if they tried. They have a kind of congruency to who they are, and not as many layers to peel back (this does not mean that they aren’t complex people, just that they are real!) What you see is what you get with them! Also they really tend to embody the planets that are within this house. For example, my friend is a cancer rising with her mercury in the 1st. I always thought she was a Gemini rising because she talks so much, even more than me as a Gemini rising LOL and she’s very analytical, but she just has a 1h mercury!

[celestiamour]

‧₊˚✧ ❛[ your love is like a drug (but it isn't enough) ]❜

━━━ .°˖✧ requested by anon ˚₊ ⊹

ft. the salesman (+ kang dae-ho) x f! reader — squid game

╰₊✧ being a mere “sugar baby” was never enough to begin with, not when he wanted to possess you entirely┊2.3k words

contains: yandere salesman!! obsessive/possessive behaviors, drugging, kidnapping/abduction, legal age gap (reader is early 20s, salesman is mid 40s), jealousy, mentioned smut, handcuffs (not kinky)

➤ author's note: sorry for the lack of posts!! this isn't very good and is pretty rushed, but it's something, i hope to post more soon!!

the arrangement between the two of you is simple. you needed funds to pay off college tuition, he wanted companionship from a pretty thing like you and was willing to give you anything money could buy for it. there wasn’t much else to it, or so you thought at first.

you were hesitant at first when he came to you with his proposal, as expected. most people only joke about being a sugar baby and never anticipate actually doing it, but desperate times call for desperate measures. you were living in a cramped apartment with two roommates, working a job at the local bakery where he met you, and a full-time student trying so hard to get her degree. stressed and overworked seemed too weak to describe your situation, and you needed a reprieve even if the most convenient solution was rather taboo to most people. although, most people wouldn’t turn down a golden opportunity like the one he was offering you. you could have anything your heart desired as long as it had a price tag: jewelry, luxury clothing items, foreign cars, merchandise from your favorite media, and whatever else you could think of. there seemed to be no limits to his wealth, and all you had to do was spend time with him whenever he called for you.

sometimes he would take you on shopping trips to help you navigate the opulent malls and pick out what he thought looked best on you, often talking to the store assistants the entire time to help dress you up. it left you feeling like an antique doll with how they put you in extravagant dresses, treated you delicately like porcelain, and ignored you for the most part as if you didn’t have sentience or an opinion about what you liked. it didn’t really matter if you liked the blue dress more than the red one or if you thought the material was itchy, he was the one paying and you often stayed silent because of that. 

sometimes he would take you out for dinner in fancy restaurants whose names you couldn’t pronounce properly and wine that cost more than what your monthly rent used to. he would frown each time you instinctively pick the cheapest item on the menu, but you never pick the most expensive one out of good conscience, so you settle for somewhere in the middle. occasionally he would run into someone he knew, another bigwig businessman you presume, and while he’s polite, his smile doesn’t reach his eyes and you can tell he’s annoyed that his time with you has been interrupted. you’re not sure why though, you don’t think your company is anything worth noting. 

once he took you on vacation to a tropical foreign country after hearing you complain once about the winters in korea. first-class tickets, of course. no matter how hot it became, you only ever saw him in a suit in tie, never seeming to break a sweat or having a hair out of place. now that you think of it, you’ve ever seen him in formalwear, completely nude, or in a towel after the fact. the air of formality never leaves him, even in your most vulnerable moments together.

truthfully, he’s strange, not just because of his choice of dress. even if he’s older, you’re curious as to why he isn’t married when he’s tall, handsome, rich, and well-educated. you also wonder about his past since he rarely ever talks about himself, much preferring to hear you talk about your day or whatever was weighing on your mind instead. most of all though, you want to know why he chose you of all people when you’re nothing special and think of yourself to be average in all aspects.

oh, and did you mention that you didn’t know his name? you always called him ‘sir,’ asking about it a few times just for him to tell you it wasn’t important, not seeming to mind the nickname. if anything, he seemed to like the reminder of the power he had over you.

still, you didn’t push anything. you didn’t feel like you had a right to when he was basically financing your entire life at the moment. besides, you were just grateful your sugar daddy was a good-looking businessman who didn’t force affection on you when you didn’t want it rather than some slimy old man. there wasn’t much to complain about other than his excessively mysterious nature, so you continued to say nothing and just smiled as you always have.

you were so fucking stupid, not blind to the warning signs but choosing to ignore them. learning the answers to all your questions came at a heavy cost. if only you had known then what his true nature was like, just how twisted his mind and feelings were, you would have run far and never looked back. although, knowing his insanity, he probably would walked through hell to track you down and bring you back to his arms.

it all started to fall apart with a guy you met at a local cafe, running into him when you turned a corner and knocked over the boxes he was carrying. while rushing to help him out, you thought he looked familiar and asked about it, quickly finding out that he was the younger brother of an old coworker whom you were close with. he seemed to brighten up like a lightbulb went off in his head, immediately knowing who you were saying that his sister mentioned you a lot. you were embarrassed yet curious to know what was discussed, which led to a lengthy conversation over coffee and cake once his shift was over that ended with you giving him his number. 

it was history from there. although the two of you were only friends at the current, there was an undeniable undertone of romance behind every word, touch, and interaction. you couldn’t help it, not when he was naturally so sweet, attentive, and most importantly, emotionally available while also treating you like an equal. you know you shouldn’t yearn for that when an imbalance of power was standard for your “unique” relationship with the other older man in your life, but it made you feel so seen and human instead of a little glorified pet. dae-ho may not have much money, but he made you so happy in a way you’ve never felt before. it felt so right to be with him, two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together.

was it really so bad to “cheat” on your sugar daddy? it’s not like there was a contract involved that was binding you to him, it was only an exchange of your time and affection for his money. there was never a conversation about seeing other people, so as far as you were concerned, there wasn’t any real reason why you couldn’t flirt a little with dae-ho, but you still tried your best to keep him as a little secret and was careful never to bring it up to him. he seemed to be extremely busy with work at the moment anyways, you haven’t been seeing him for days at a time with the only notice from him being a couple million of won each morning for you to treat yourself while he’s gone. you often found yourself calling up your new friend and spending the money with him instead.

it was a simple business relationship with benefits, that’s what you told yourself because that was all it was to you. you didn’t love that man and you didn’t think he loved you, you loved his money and he loved your pretty face.

truthfully, his adoration for you was deeper than skin and ran to the bone, more intense than the burning rays of the sun. 

one second, you were having dinner with him during one of this few free night during this busy time, smiling and chatting about whatever all dolled up in a pretty purple silk dress and amethyst jewelry, the next, you woke up groggy atop a large king-sized bed with a cold metal handcuff wrapped around your wrist fastening you to the post. you blinked a few times slowly, trying to get your vision to focus as you unsuccessfully tried to tug yourself free. the room was unrecognizable to you, but it was clearly that of a home and not a hotel. the curtains were drawn shut and too far away for them to pull them apart, but even if you weren’t bound, you didn’t have it in you to move an inch. it was as if all the energy in you was zapped and replaced with a banging headache. you groaned softly at the dull pain, barely able to hear the door creak open followed by footsteps.

there was no need for an introduction nor a need for you to crane your head in the direction of the sound, you recognized him by his overwhelming presence alone and could read the stupid smirk on his face as if he’d won some sort of game you didn’t even know you were playing to begin with. all of the warning signs were blaring danger in your head, rather than ignoring it like you usually did, this time you were too weak to run away when it mattered most.

“ah, darling, you’re already awake? i thought the drug would have lasted a bit longer, but i can see that you’re resilient, as always. did you really think i wouldn’t notice that there was a new man in your life?”

“what… what the fuck are you talking about…?”

he stood next to you, making you feel so small compared to his towering height like a cornered mouse at the mercy of a cat, “i’m talking about that ex-marine, kang dae-ho.”

“... how did you..?”

“you aren’t very subtle, my dear. again, did you really think i didn’t know about it?” taking a step closer, he sat next to you on the bed, the mattress sinking under his weight, and gently stroked your cheek with the back of his hand. “i must say, i’m rather displeased, but not surprised. that’s what happens when i don’t keep my eye on the prize at all times. thankfully, he won’t be bothering you anymore, i took care of him as i do with everything…”

“w-what… what did you do to him?!” your voice was finally raised above a whisper as you shot up from your spot, only to cringe in pain at the splitting sensation in your mind and lay back down, exhausted at the sudden exertion. 

he pouted at you childishly like he was disappointed you assumed he hurt him, or maybe he was disappointed you only now found the strength to panic when that boy’s safety was being compromised. “i didn’t do anything.” he was acting offended at the accusation like it wasn’t completely warranted after he drugged you and abducted you to god knows where. “i just played ddajki with him— maybe slapped him around a bit— nothing permanent. all that matters is that he’s out of the picture and you’re in my arms again, as it was always meant to be. do you have any idea how hurt i was to see you in the company of that boy? do you really think he could provide for you like i can? honestly, it hurt me so much to see you leaning on him like you’re a couple, especially at that movie theater— are our dates not enough?”

“you crazy ass motherfucker— so you were stalking me this entire time?!” you felt so pitiful and useless, wanting to curl up into a ball and wail about your predicament. he would get a pick out of seeing you suffer, you’re sure, so you tried your best to blink back the tears. “so you’ve been sick in the head this entire time? is that why you’re still single at your age? guess money and a handsome face isn’t enough when you’re a fucking psychopath!”

if it was anyone else on this earth, he would have slapped them so hard their face would swell and they could taste blood in their mouth for the disrespect, but since it was you, he was willing to brush it off as bratty behavior like a baby kitten biting at his fingers. 

“why did it have to be me?” you voice cracked, “you could have anyone you want: models, actresses, daughters of billionaires— why do you want some stupid college student who barely knows what she’s doing with her life?”

he didn’t answer you, choosing to remain silent rather than tell the truth or a lie. there’s nothing to say if he doesn’t even know the answer himself. “just get some rest, my love, i’ll be back with food in an hour.” 

and with that he left, ignoring you trying to kick and scream for your freedom. he didn’t know why he had grown so fond of you where he felt it was necessary to drug and kidnap you, but it would have ended up this way regardless of whether or not he first approached you with his proposition. if he didn’t approach you, he would have been stalking you from the shadows until he couldn’t take it anymore. he was never a patient man, but he was never someone who formed such intense attachments either. 

you were different from anyone he’s ever encountered before, even if neither of you knew the reason why. your company and affection was like a drug that gave him a high he’s never experienced before, like he was struck in the heart with cupid’s arrow and filled with ecstasy with every thought, but it wasn’t enough. it would never be enough with the way things were going, but now that he’s keeping you locked away like a beautiful butterfly in a silver cage for his eyes only, he feels the edge being taken off knowing that you were where you belonged and kang dae-ho was waking up on a mysterious island. love is really something special, isn’t it?

request from anon

sugar baby reader x the salesman but lowkey (or highkey LMAO) YANDERE DARK pretty pleaaasee 

[rotagnus]

what kind of a father/husband will/would he be? fs/person of interest reading.

pick a pile from the first row for what kind of a husband he will be.

pick a pile from the second row for what kind of a father he will be.

you can choose different piles from each row. if two number 1s align with you, f.e, that is fine as well.

pile 1.

this man will do anything to give you the world. he'll probably be more of a blue-collar worker. you might come from countries that are more traditional and place a high value on culture. something about him will remind you of your childhood--maybe the dreams you had of marrying someone like him, maybe the hope and childlike view of the world you had. i think that you'll probably have a strong relationship with him because he'd be there for you when nobody else was. he may come with the same culture/childhood as you, too. you guys understand each other very well. he probably wants children, not too much, but he may have been an only child/younger child who wasn't exactly supported, and he wants to give his kids the childhood he didn't get. he may be away for his job, but you're his world, and he would always check up on you.

pile 2.

oou he's gonna adore you! i think he's gonna be working in a more technological field...computer sci or maybe some kind of stay-at-home work. he's probably more modern in his views unlike pile 1, and he's gonna shower you with compliments and gifts--he may not have come from a place of acquired wealth, and he saw how hard his parents worked to give him a good childhood. he has a deep appreciation for hard workers, and he admires you for how hard you work. you hustle!! he treats you like a queen. i think you guys are the kind of couple who visit friends on the weekend--you don't let the adult life stop you from being happy. with him, you'll feel free; you will never be a caged bird.

pile 3.

you're gonna have a good family. i think you'll probably have kids, and this man might want them even if you don't, so that might be something you guys clash about...if not, then yay! you guys will create a long, powerful family tree. every morning he's going to wake up and kiss your face. i think your husband is a very ambitious person and he gets what he wants, no complaining about it. he can be a bit arrogant, but you're able to contrast his bad qualities and he does the same to yours. he probably looks different than you--you guys may be from different cultures/areas of life, which may cause some trouble between your extended families, especially if they're narrow minded, so be careful of that...however, you guys will mesh together will. you might live in a city later on in your life.

---------------------------------- onto the paternal reading.

pile 1.

this father might be a little awkward around his kids--whether this means he doesn't spend a lot of time with them, or he just isn't a person who's exactly good with children, he's still gonna try. he ain't gonna be like your usual absent fathers, but he might need some encouragement. he may have had a funky childhood himself, and with your encouragement he'll help out. y'all may have had your kids early, which adds to this feeling. be careful not to get caught up in material things--he might want the best for your kids and spend all his time working because of it.

pile 2.

awww he's gonna be one of those silly dads who also cares a tremendous amount about his kids. he's a very vibrant person, and there's something youthful and childlike about him even though he's older. he gets along well with kids, so he's gonna be a good dad. fierce, protective too. he won't let anyone disrespect the kids or you. he'd pull the sun to the earth for his family--the true definition of a family man. you can rest assured that this family will be one that knows effort and knows good morals.

pile 3.

oouu this is a smart smart man. probably got good education, if not then he educated himself. he's a go-getter, and he inspires this quality to learn within your kids, too. he knows how important knowledge is, and he does his best to ingrain this quality in your children. however, due to his fears of the world, he may pass that to your children, so you guys may need to have a talk about that. other than that, he's very stable and he probably won't be the kind of man who would lash out. he may have some faith and pass it on to children, depending on what your faith is and what you guys think about it.

[astrocafecoffee]

• Sun in Groom persona chart •

• FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY, ENJOY •

✨ you guys requested this series of groom persona chart, so here it is. Today I am gonna cover sun in the houses of Groom pc .

✨ MASTERLIST

Sun in the houses :

💖 1st house : your fs is likely to have a strong sense of self confidence and Vitality . They may have commanding presence and charismatic personality. They may possess natural leadership abilities and a desire to take charge in various situations. This can make them stand out in social settings. They are likely to be expressive and have a clear sense of identity . They may be quite open about their thoughts and feelings. You fs may seek attention and recognition from others. They might enjoy being in the spotlight and receiving praise for their accomplishments. They are likely to be determined and have a strong will . When they set their mind on something they pursue with vigor. They may have generally positive and optimistic outlook on life, which can be infectious to those around them. Sun in the 1st house can also influence physical appearance , potentially indicating a strong , healthy and attractive look. While they may have admirable qualities , they might also need to watch out for excessive pride or ego , which can sometimes leads to conflicts.

💖 2nd house : When the Sun is in the 2nd house of your groom's persona chart, it can uniquely indicate that your future spouse's identity and life purpose are intricately tied to their ability to create and sustain value. This placement suggests a person who doesn't just seek financial stability but sees wealth creation as a form of self-expression. They may have a unique approach to wealth that blends creativity with practicality, turning passions and hobbies into lucrative ventures. This placement can denote a person who values authenticity in their possessions and relationships. They might prefer quality over quantity, investing in items or experiences that reflect their true self and bring lasting joy rather than fleeting satisfaction. your future spouse might also possess a natural talent for identifying hidden potential in people and things. This ability to see value where others might not could lead them to success in areas such as investing, art collecting, or any field where discerning true worth is key. This placement might indicate that your spouse’s journey involves transforming their relationship with material wealth, learning to balance their innate desire for security with a deeper understanding of self-worth that transcends possessions. This unique blend of traits can create a dynamic and enriching partnership where you both grow and thrive.

💖3rd house: Your future spouse may stand out as an intellectual leader in their community.They may have a unique ability to connect seemingly unrelated ideas, leading to innovative solutions and creative projects. This knack for seeing the bigger picture can make them a visionary in their field.They could excel in multiple areas, from writing and public speaking to technology and social media. Your future spouse might have a natural talent for connecting people, creating networks, and fostering collaborations. They can effortlessly bring different groups together, facilitating teamwork and community building. Their love for variety and learning may lead them to travel frequently, seeking out new experiences and cultures. They might enjoy exploring different places and sharing their adventures through blogging, vlogging, or social media. With a strong emphasis on continuous learning, they may always be enrolled in a new course, reading the latest books, or attending seminars. This lifelong pursuit of knowledge can keep them dynamic and adaptable. They might have a passion for teaching and mentoring others, finding fulfillment in helping others grow intellectually. This could manifest in formal education roles or informal settings, like community workshops or online platforms.

💖 4th house : Your future spouse might possess an extraordinary ability to turn any space into a vibrant, lively, and welcoming home.Their home could be a reflection of their personal adventures and interests, filled with unique artifacts, travel souvenirs, and collections that tell their life story. Your spouse may have an innate ability to transform emotional pain into strength and wisdom. This skill allows them to help others navigate their own emotional journeys, often acting as a healer within their social circle. They might excel in integrating cutting-edge technology with traditional home comforts, creating a smart home that’s both futuristic and cozy. Think automated systems, green energy solutions, and innovative home design. There could be a unique passion for cooking and experimenting with different cuisines. Their kitchen might be the heart of the home, where they create culinary masterpieces that bring people together. They might blend different cultural elements into their home, creating a space that’s a melting pot of traditions and modernity. This could manifest in their interior design, food, and even the way they celebrate holidays. Their approach to family relationships might be both insightful and practical.

💖 5th house : When the Sun is in the 5th house of your groom's persona chart, it highlights a vibrant, creative, and playful side to your future spouse. This placement suggests that your spouse will likely be someone who thrives on joy, self-expression, and the pursuit of personal passions. They may have a natural talent for arts, whether it be music, painting, acting, or any other form of creative expression. Their creativity isn’t just a hobby; it’s a core part of their identity and something that they actively seek to incorporate into their daily life. This placement also suggests a strong connection to children. Whether or not they have their own, your spouse is likely to have a youthful spirit and may enjoy activities that allow them to connect with their inner child. They might be excellent at entertaining children and could find great joy in spending time with them. Romance is another key aspect of the 5th house, and with the Sun here, your spouse is likely to be very romantic and expressive in their affections. They may enjoy grand gestures of love and will likely seek to keep the romance alive in your relationship through thoughtful surprises and passionate moments.Their competitive nature can drive them to achieve great things in their personal and professional life, as they are likely to enjoy the thrill of the challenge and the satisfaction of victory.

💖6th house: With the Sun positioned in the 6th house of the groom's natal chart, your future spouse's focus on routine and structure can be a defining aspect of his personality. He might thrive on having a well-organized daily schedule and may feel most comfortable in environments where tasks and responsibilities are clearly defined. This inclination towards routine can make him a reliable and consistent partner, as he likely values stability and predictability in his relationships. Health and wellness are likely important to him, and he may integrate these values into his daily habits. This could manifest as a commitment to regular exercise, a balanced diet, or other health-conscious practices. He might also encourage these habits in his partner, reflecting his belief in the benefits of a healthy lifestyle. His attention to detail is another notable trait. He is likely to be meticulous and thorough, whether in managing household duties, handling work-related tasks, or addressing minor issues. This precision can be an asset in maintaining an organized and functional home life, though it may occasionally lead him to stress over small details. In the context of a relationship, he might express love and affection through acts of service and practical support. For him, demonstrating care might involve helping with chores, offering assistance with daily tasks, or being a steady source of support. This service-oriented approach reflects his belief in showing love through tangible actions rather than just words.

💖 7th house: Sun is in the 7th house of a groom's persona chart indicates that your spouse may have a strong and confident personality. They might be assertive, charismatic, and central in their social circles. Physically, they could have a noticeable presence or be prominent in some way. Since the Sun symbolizes leadership and authority, your spouse might be someone who takes charge in relationships or in their career. They may have natural leadership abilities and can be influential in their community or workplace. The 7th house is traditionally associated with partnerships, marriage, and significant others. With the Sun here, marriage and committed relationships are likely to play a significant role in their life. They may seek a partnership that enhances their personal identity and goals. The Sun in the 7th house can also indicate that your spouse may be quite visible or known publicly, possibly through their work, social activities, or community involvement. They might have a career that puts them in the spotlight or involves interactions with the public.

💖 8th house : The 8th house in astrology is associated with deep transformation, intimacy, and shared resources. When the Sun placed here ,it suggests that your future spouse is likely to have a profound and intense personality. They may approach life with a deep sense of passion and emotional depth, seeking meaningful connections and experiences that go beyond the surface.This placement can indicate that the spouse may have an interest in occult, mystical, or spiritual matters.The 8th house deals with shared resources, investments, and inheritances. Therefore, the spouse may have an influence or involvement in financial matters that involve joint resources or inheritances. Your spouse may seek relationships that bring about personal growth and change. They might have a strong need for emotional intimacy and connection, and relationships could serve as a catalyst for their personal development. The 8th house is also significant, indicating a deep and intense approach to physical intimacy. Your spouse may place great importance on the emotional and spiritual aspects of intimacy, seeking a profound connection with their partner.

💖 9th house : your spouse could be philosophically inclined, interested in exploring different belief systems, or deeply spiritual. They may seek meaning and purpose through intellectual and spiritual pursuits.your spouse may have a keen interest in travel,(or could be a foreigner) either physically exploring different countries or mentally through academic studies of different cultures. They might be drawn to adventures abroad, international relationships, or careers that involve cross-cultural interactions.your spouse may have pursued advanced studies or have a career in academia, teaching, or guiding others in some capacity. They might value knowledge and continuous learning, possibly inspiring others through their wisdom and experience.Your spouse may be idealistic, advocating for causes they believe in or striving to make a positive impact on a larger scale. They could be ethical, principled, and committed to justice and fairness.They may have a cheerful disposition, seeing opportunities and possibilities even in challenging situations. Their upbeat attitude could be contagious, uplifting those around them.your spouse may have an affinity for languages or an ability to adapt to different cultural environments easily. They may enjoy learning about different customs, traditions, and languages, fostering a sense of cultural understanding and integration.

💖 10th house: your spouse is likely to be ambitious, driven, and focused on their career goals. They may aspire to positions of authority, leadership roles, or recognition in their profession. Their identity and sense of self-worth may be strongly tied to their achievements and career success.They may strive to maintain a positive image in the eyes of others and uphold their integrity and credibility. Their actions and decisions may often be influenced by how they are perceived in their professional and social spheres.Your spouse may receive recognition and accolades for their hard work and accomplishments. They may strive for excellence in their chosen field and be motivated by the desire to achieve significant milestones and goals. Their achievements may bring them a sense of pride and fulfillment. There may be a need to balance their professional goals with personal life. Your spouse may invest considerable time and energy into their career, which could impact their family dynamics and relationships. Finding harmony between work and personal life may be an ongoing challenge. your spouse may have had influential authority figures or mentors who guided them in their career path. They may have learned valuable lessons from leaders in their field and benefited from mentorship or guidance that shaped their professional development.your spouse may have strong public speaking abilities and effective communication skills. They may excel in presenting ideas and networking with other people.

💖11th house : Your spouse may possess a visionary mindset, capable of seeing beyond current limitations and envisioning innovative solutions or possibilities for the future. They may inspire others with their forward-thinking ideas and aspirations.Your spouse may have a natural affinity for technology, whether it's through their career, hobbies, or social connection.Your spouse may have a diverse and influential network of friends, colleagues, or acquaintances. They may excel in building and maintaining relationships that span different social circles, which could benefit them professionally or personally.They may be actively involved in community initiatives, social groups, or online communities that align with their interests and values. Their contributions could range from advocacy for social causes to organizing events that promote collective well-being. They may advocate for social justice issues or champion reforms that contribute to a more equitable society. Your fs may have entrepreneurial inclinations , particularly in the areas of technology, innovation or social enterprise. They may be drawn to startups or ventures that harness creativity and connectivity for positive impact.They may have a keen interest in future trends, whether it's in technology, social movements, or cultural shifts. Their ability to anticipate changes and adapt accordingly could be a valuable asset in both personal and professional endeavors.

💖12th house : your spouse may have a rich inner life and be introspective by nature. They may value solitude and contemplation, finding spiritual fulfillment through practices like meditation, prayer, or introspective self-reflection.They may be drawn to helping professions or volunteer work that allows them to make a difference in people’s lives.Your spouse may have a talent for creative expression through music, art, writing, or other forms of artistic endeavor.Your spouse may have a deep interest in psychology, psychotherapy, or exploring the hidden aspects of the human psyche. They may be introspective about their own motivations, fears, and desires, seeking to understand themselves on a profound level. This introspective journey may also lead them to explore esoteric or mystical teachings.Your spouse may prefer peaceful, serene surroundings where they can retreat and recharge. They may have a knack for creating sacred spaces or environments conducive to relaxation and inner peace.They may have a quiet determination and inner fortitude that allows them to overcome obstacles and setbacks with grace and perseverance.The 12th house is often associated with karmic themes, past lives, and spiritual healing. Your spouse may be on a path of spiritual growth and transformation, seeking to resolve past issues or karma through self-awareness, forgiveness, and healing practices.

Thanks for reading 💓

- PIKO 💖

[channieskies]

L O S E R [HJS]

♫ Pairing: Han Jisung × Reader [F] ♫ Summary: His father disapproves of his life choices, and it subsequently causes a rift between the two of them. Jisung only has one person he feels he can rely on, his best friend. With hopes of becoming one of the biggest rockstars that ever lived, he embarks on a journey to fulfill his life dreams. Will he make his dreams come true with his friend by his side, or will he even sacrifice friendship to live out his fantasy's? ♪ WC: 19.7k [READING TIME: 40-60 MINS] ♪ AU: Highschool, Rockstar ♪ Genre: Angst, Smut, Fluff (adjacent), Friends to (??) ♪ Nets: @neverendingdreams-net & @mirohs-aurora-society ♫ A.N: I started writing this over a year ago (Nov 2023) and I've been writing on it little by little since then. When the "Hold My Hand" mv came out, I got burst of inspiration I needed to finish this. I took a while to finish, but it's here. This has not been proofread. Please reblog and leave a comment to let me know how you feel. I'd love a little feedback. Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it. Special thanks to @therhythmafterthesummer thanks for rooting for me with this one. I don't think I could have finished it without your encouragement. Dividers by @saradika-graphics ♫ Disclaimer: This story does not reflect the real lives or personalities of Stray Kids. I do not know them personally. This is purely a work of fiction. ♫ Warnings: MINORS DNI! This post contains nsfw material. Please do not interact with it if you are under the age of 18. Unprotected sex (Be safe and wrap it up. This is fiction, a controlled narrative. I make the rules. Life isn't that simple, so be safe), creampie (semi), cum shot, slight degradation (male receiving), slight femdom/sub (male) dynamics, choking, cum play, cum eating, spiting, hair pulling (male receiving). Do not translate or repost here or on other sites. This chapter contains use of explicit language.

Loser, 외톨이, 센 척하는 겁쟁이 못된 양아치, 거울 속의 넌 Just a loser, 외톨이, 상처뿐인 머저리 더러운 쓰레기, 거울 속의 난, I'm a...

The words resounded in the back of Jisung's mind as he continued to feel the kicks and punches from his classmates. See, with him, you either liked him or you didn't. Sadly, there didn't seem to be an in-between. There was no indifference and there didn't seem to be many that liked him, either. He had a handful of acquaintances, but only one good, true friend. She was the light of his life, that and music. In times like this, when he was beaten and battered, cast out, and torn down by the world, he knew that if he just held on, she'd be there. 

There to comfort him, there to lift him up, there to hold his hand and tell him that it gets better. That's what he had to hold on to, “it gets better.” The promise of that alone gave him enough hope that he'd get through these tumultuous teenage years and one day look back at this and consider it a learning experience. Just something he could mark off as a growth exercise. At least that's what he hoped. He hoped to turn all the shity life struggles into art. His words, his life, his voice. He refused to be a loser.

Jisung wanted nothing more in life than to play his music for the people who appreciated it. For the most part that meant that he was playing it for a crowd of one, you. But he didn’t mind if the venue wasn’t fancy, or if it was just one person taking in the songs that he performed. Just the look of pure joy on your face from listening to his voice, gave him enough hope that one day he could do this on a larger scale. He just hoped that you would be one of the smiling faces when he looked out at the crowd.

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Prestige, influence, wealth. Was that really something worth betting your life and sanity on? According to his parents it was absolutely worth it. Those things were the reason the Han's were where they were in life and they would bite their tongues and die before ever going back to being poor and worthless. At least that's how his father saw things. “Jisung, you have to listen to your father. All he wants is for you to have a good life. Not waste it away-”

“Id waste away staying here. Mom…” He stopped throwing things in his bag to hold his mothers hands, to look her in the eyes. He wanted her, if no one else in this house, to understand why he had to leave. It wasn't about the constant fights with his father, or even the fact that he just couldn’t and probably would never live up to what his older brother had become. He wasn’t built for the life that his parents had set up for him. It physically pained him to even think of himself trapped in the box of boring, yet successful, that his parents wanted to fit him into.

No, he just felt unfulfilled, dead inside. He was slowly rotting away with every breath he took under the rule of his fathers thumb. “I can't let him dictate what should and should not make me happy. Music is everything to me, you know this. So please, just let me go. You know I can't survive here.” He dropped his head, looking at the floor, “He'll kill everything about me.. until there is no use in being alive.” He had made up his mind. Despite the comfort that being home provided him, he’d rather take his chances out on the streets than endure one more moment trapped inside of this amenity filled mansion.

His mother gasped. Just the thought of her baby not being on this earth anymore, crushed her. She pulled her son into a hug for what might be the last time. “There is money in my purse, take that with you. Okay?” She grabbed his face, taking in her son's features. She caressed his chubby cheeks and placed kisses on both. “I love you. Forever and always.” The front door slammed downstairs, alerting them to his father's arrival. The panic set in on both his and his mothers faces.

Oftentimes Mr. Han seemed like he hated Jisung, his own son, just like he hated people who weren't in the same social economic class as him. They had no drive or ambition according to him, no will to make their life better, to be better. As if people didn’t fall on hard times, or suffer from any mental illnesses, making it hard for them to keep a job. He was a hypocrite. Jisung’s grandfather didn’t keep a steady job for years, and the jobs he had were very low income. He provided for his family as best he could, but apparently people like that were scum to Jisung's father. Being poor and struggling were things that his father had long left behind. Along with things like passion, empathy, and even love.

“HAN JI SUNG! GET DOWN HERE THIS INSTANT.” Jisung's heart quickened with the sound of his fathers angry, booming voice. His anxiety was starting to kick in, his breathing picked up, just as his extremities started to lightly shake. He had to have heard about Jisung's outburst in school today, which resulted in the cops being called to his prestigious catholic high school. With his fathers position in the Mayors office, of course this news made it to him. The police probably went and told him the news themselves. This wasn't going to be good. 

“Go out the back, I'll distract him.” She kissed his forehead and headed down the stairs, swiftly. Jisung stuffed all the clothes he could into his duffle, and started out the door, just to stop in his tracks. Next to his bed was a picture of him and his best friend. The one person who could get him through anything. From breakups and heartbreak to bouts of depression, they had been through almost everything together. He grabbed the frame and carefully stuffed it into the bag. 

“I know he's here! Move out my way woman!” He pushed past his wife, physically moving the small woman out of his way. Jisung could hear his fathers heavy footsteps as he made his way up the grand staircase in the foyer. Panic began to flow through the young boy's body. Making sure the coast was clear, he headed out into the hall from his room. The nearest exit of sorts was way at the end of the hall, two whole bedrooms and a bathroom away from his little corner room upstairs. 

He wasn’t much of a runner, even if he was considered to be quick, but he put all of the techniques he’d learned in physical education to work, sprinting down the hall. He made it to his brother's old room and out onto the balcony. Even though he was deathly afraid of heights, this was his only option, if he wanted to escape. It was fight or flight, and he was sure if he tried to fight his dad he’d die. His dad was filled with rage at the current moment and that did not bode well for Jisung. All he could see over the edge was the garden that bordered the pool. 

His mothers pretty array of hibiscus flowers and the cherry blossom tree that sat not far from the window, well manicured and perfect, just like everything else in the Han family’s life. He could hear his father nearing closer, his booming voice filling the large halls and bouncing off the walls, even with the constant pitter patter of his fast beating heart. It was now or never. He closed his eyes, the voice of his best-friend rang through his head, “You can do anything you put your mind to, Ji.” It was like her words gave him wings. That was all the reassurance he needed. 

Just as his father burst through the door to his brother's room, Jisung took the leap. He landed on the bushes below with a loud thud. His father's head peaked over the balcony. “You better stay right where you are, young man.” There was a small tinting of something else besides anger and disdain on his fathers face. 

But Jisung didn’t have the time to try and decipher it as his father made his way back into his brother’s room. No, if he didn’t want to face whatever was coming his way via his fathers slightly justified anger, he needed to go. Jisung hurried to his feet, running out the back gate of their sprawling mansion grounds, never to look back again. 

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“Shit…” He'd been roaming for hours now. The afternoon had turned into evening. The beautiful blue tinted sky shifted into pinks and purples and now it was just pitch black. He had nowhere to go. His feet hurt, his stomach hadn’t stopped grumbling since he got a few miles away from home, and he was terribly tired. Then there also was the fact that he had stupidly left the money his mother wanted him to have, right where she told him it was. He was broke and homeless. Not the best combination at the young age of eighteen. But most had survived worse. At least that's what that weird side of youtube and tik tok said. He was sure he would make it too. At least that's what he hoped.

He walked aimlessly until the streets started to look familiar. The houses were smaller than the ones in his- well his parents neighborhood, but that didn’t make them small. The mini mansions had long curving driveways and tall fences to keep the riff raff out. Well, guess you could say he was the riff raff now. 

He was a delinquent with an extensive record. Trespassing, disorderly conduct, disturbing the peace, failure to disperse, affray, unlawful assembly, and resisting arrest, the last two were tacked on today. The other charges had been adding up since his fifteenth birthday. The only reason he was a free man was the simple fact that he was a Han. He knew that, and it ate away at his core.

Well manicured lawns with expensive cars in the park. This was your side of town. Your family was quite well off as well, just in a different way. Building on the wealth that your maternal grandfather had built for your family. Your parents weren’t as power thirsty as his father was. But that wasn’t saying that they didn’t take your future success in life very seriously. They did. Your schedule was often packed to the brim with extracurriculars and volunteering, just to make sure that your high school resume made it easier for you to get into a good university.

He recognized your street name and he took off in a sprint. Trying to hurry his way to your house. He needed to see you. He needed reassurance for you that he did the right thing by running away. Because without your words of encouragement, he doubted he’d be able to survive the night, let alone live like this. He’d just have to tuck his tail between his legs and go back home to receive whatever punishment his father deemed appropriate. He had nearly a block to go when the familiar sound of sirens and the look of security lights stopped him in his tracks. “Where are you headed to, son?” Jisung sighed. He didn’t need this right now.

“My friend lives on the next block.” 

The guard got out of his car and approached Jisung, an uncertain expression on his face. He didn’t even attempt to hide it. The round and nearly bald, older man looked Jisung up and down, eyes doubtful of his story. “Right, and what is this friend's name?” The man pulled out an iPad with a list of residents in this large subdivision. 

“Y/l/n, Y/n. She lives with her parents…” He sighed, “Dr. And Mr.'s Y/l/n.” Jisung peered over the tablet to see if he could find you, only to find the guard way too immersed in a game of candy crush. “Seriously?” 

The security guard cleared his throat and tapped out of his games screen. “What was the name again?” with an exasperated sigh, Jisung told him your information again. He quickly contacted them, stepping away from Jisung to talk. 

“Yes, good evening. This is Sheldon with Rutherglen Security. I was out on patrol this evening when I spotted a young man out on a run with a duffle bag. When I stopped him he informed me he was trying to go see the daughter of this residence..- ah, his name?” He looked back at Jisung who was impatiently tapping his fingers on his jeans as he stood in the middle of the road, bag strapped across his chest. “What’s your name, kid?”

“Jisung. Han Jisung.” The man nodded and looked away again.

“Jason? Han Jason- Oh okay. I'll make sure to drop him off expeditiously.” He hung up and turned to the boy again. “I guess your story adds up. Get in. I'll drop you off.” He said nothing more and made his way around the tiny smart car, getting in. Jisung eyed the vehicle apprehensively. The window slowly rolled down, “On with it! I don't have all night.” 

The ride was short, he was nearly a block away when he was stopped. The gates to the driveway opened, revealing the lit up rounded pathway that led to the cream colored, French style home with black accents. It was traditional enough not to stick out, but still had a bit of modern flare to it. Truthfully, Jisung always thought your parents were like their house. Vocal, but both vocal enough to rock the boat. 

Some of their opinions didn’t line up with the traditional values of the overall community of Rutherglen, and he admired that. The security guard parked right in front of the house. Jisung could see someone jogging down the staircase inside. The lights in the house lit up with motion, so it made sense to him. The wooden door swung open to reveal a very winded girl, dressed in a band tee and bicycle shorts. 

“Haven't you gotten yourself in enough trouble today?” You rushed out before he could even unbuckle his seat and open the door. “Thank you so much…” Your eyes met the security guards as you leaned into the open window.

“Sheldon.” The security guard nodded.

“Sheldon. Thank you so much.” You opened the door for your friend only for Sheldon to speak up again.

“Excuse me, but are your parents home? I need to go over this with them.” You ushered Jisung out of the car and closed the door, leaning on it as you peeked your head in once again.

“My father is away at a medical conference and my mother is in the Maldives on vacation after major surgery, neither would like to be disturbed. But if you want to hear what my dad sounds like when he's angry, you can give him a ring.” Your voice sounded so sweet, but threatening at the same time. Like honey with the sting of a ghost pepper.

“Ah- no, that's fine. I'll just send them a write up. Have a good night.” He cranked the car back up. “And son, try to stay off the streets at night. You looked like you were up to no good.” 

Before Jisung could answer you interjected, “He will, no worries. Have a beautiful night, Sheldon. Stay safe out there.” With nothing left to say, you pulled your friend into your house and up the stairs to your room. As if the two of you weren't alone, you closed the door. “What they hell, Ji? Your mom called me worried sick, saying you'd gone off and run away. What the hell?” You hissed. You paced back and forth, mind racing.

He sighed, letting the bag he had bared the weight of for just a few hours, fall from him. He was tired and it hadn't even been a day yet. “I.. I couldn't take it anymore. I just knew what he was going to say. What he was going to tell me. How he was going to lay into me for not being good enough. How disappointed he was. How much he wished I could be more like my brother. I just… I couldn't deal with it anymore. He already thinks I'm a failure for not making the grades my brother made. But now I'm even more of a failure.” He plopped onto your fluffy purple bean bag that was situated in your reading nook. 

“Music is to be listened to, not pursued, according to him. I shouldn't entertain these ludicrous fantasies. You know where he took me the other day? To the unhoused encampment near the city center. He told me I'd end up there if I didn't listen to him and do as I was told.” He looked dejected and you wanted to do nothing more than to hold him and tell him everything will be alright. “I guess I just… beat him to the punch.” You sighed, your heart broke for him. He didn't deserve to be treated like that, no one did, really. But especially not Jisung.

“You aren't unhoused, just yet. Tomorrow, I'll skip school and we can look around to find some place to rest your head. Until my parents get back, you can stay here with me. I could use the company.” You could feel a bit of the burden lift off his shoulders and for the first time in a very long time, you saw him smile. He needed this pep talk more than you knew. It made his heart feel a little bit lighter knowing he wouldn’t be navigating this big change in his life without you.

“You know, I don't know what I'd do without you.” He stood unexpectedly and crossed the room to you, pulling you into a tight hug. “You're the best.” You could feel he meant it as he melted into you. He really didn't know what he would do without you. It sounded cliche, but you were literally the wind beneath his wings, his better half. Without you there was no him. He would have come crashing down to earth long ago if it wasn't for you. Your encouraging words always kept him uplifted. Your support always made him strive to be the best at whatever it was he was trying to pursue this week. You were his everything. 

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The next morning you woke up as early as you would for school. You were the top of your class, in line to be valedictorian. They might miss you today, but that didn’t matter as long as you made sure that your best friend was taken care of. Jisung had been there through the worst years of your life. He was quite literally your only friend. The only one who cared enough to stick around when it seemed that everyone in the world turned their back on you, just because the glitter of popularity seemed too tempting to say no to. 

In your freshman year of school your long time best friend Michelle, someone you'd known since babyhood, decided that her popularity over summer break wasn't worth losing. She'd hit puberty and filled out, so that made her popular with older boys. She couldn't take being seen with a “flat chested loser,” like yourself. She acted as though you hadn’t been friends all your lives. She started ignoring you, and the kicker, started rumors that you were doing sexual favors for the grades you were receiving. She knew better, you'd tutored her the summer before, just to make sure she'd have an easy transition into high school. Maybe you should have let her flounder.

You met Jisung during your summer vacation that same year. It was fate, really. You found out he'd moved around a lot before his family decided to settle in Rutherglen. His father had political aspirations, and this would be the perfect place to put down roots and start the career he always wanted. The way he described his folks almost sounded like how yours were. Father with big aspirations to be something better than what his father was. Mother who cares, but will ultimately side with the father. Plus you both had siblings. His older brother that was amounting to big things in life and your younger brother, two years your junior, who was the love of your mothers life. 

You bonded on your love of anime and rock music. Even your views of the world seemed to align. You spent every waking hour with that boy. You exchanged numbers and the rest was history. You'd been inseparable since. So giving up a few hours or days to help your one and only best friend, no matter the circumstances, was absolutely necessary. 

The boy slept like a log. But you understood, he had a hell of a day the day before. He got arrested for staging a protest on campus grounds for LGBTIQ+ rights, which wasn’t the smartest move to make on the campus of an ultra conservative Christian school. His stances went against the school's clear directive, that gay relationships were blasphemous and against all of their beliefs. And though you agree with him, that love is love and should be accepted as such. You knew it would ruffle too many feathers, especially if he didn’t go about it the right way. 

The protest was a mess. He had only managed to get a few students on his side, and they mostly backed out right before the protest was set to begin. The signs the both of you stayed up to make were torn by the kids that liked to ridicule you and bully Jisung. Then when asked by the headmaster to disassemble, Ji stood ten toes down and even cuffed himself to the door that led from the courtyard and into the school. That's how the cops were called. Then he ran away from home. On top of all of that, he almost got detained on his way to your house. 

He deserved to sleep as hard and as long as he wanted. But time was of the essence and him finding at least a roof was imminent. Jisung sounded like a vacuum cleaner as he snored. His mouth was wide open. One leg was under your mattress, how it got there you didn't know and you certainly weren't going to ask. The blanket was wrapped around him like a cocoon and both his hands were stretched above his head like he was superman.

You'd say he looked like a boy with no problems, that was if you didn't know any better. He had plenty of problems. Ones that needed to be handled immediately, you had a “parents are coming home any day now" , type of deadline. You shook him, “Ji, wake up.” He groaned, body flailing a bit. You sighed heavily. His mother told you once that the dead would wake up before she would be able to wake up Jisung in the morning. You could see why she said that now.

“Five more minutes, please?” He pouted in his sleep. The morning sun in its dusty blue haze was starting to peek through the curtains, you needed all the daylight you could afford. 

“No. Get up!” You smacked his chest right over his nipple and he jolted up with a yelp, hitting his head on the ledge of your nightstand. He knocked your lamp over, making it fall to the ground with a hard thud.

“Ow! Why, Y/n?” His pout deepened as he rubbed his head. He looked at you like you’d told him you no longer wanted to be friends. Maybe it was part of his sadness from yesterday that was seeping into the look he was giving you. You didn’t know, but you also didn’t like it. You never wanted him to be sad. To you, he deserved nothing but unadulterated joy. You thought he looked the most handsome when he smiled and nothing else should ever be painted across his lips.

His other hand moved to the spot you smacked, rubbing it while still rubbing the spot on his head. You snorted as you took in the sight, but quickly covered it with concern, seeing that he really was in pain. “I- I'm sorry Ji, I didn't mean to startle you. I just need you up so we can get started. Let me see, yeah?” You moved his hand and inspected the area that had hit your side table. You couldn't see any significant damage past his hair. You kissed the general area. “There. All better?” 

His face heated up, immediately. His thoughts rushed to anything impure he could think of at the moment. He couldn’t help that he was touched starved. He hadn’t had any action since his ex-boyfriend, Minho, graduated over a year ago. Plus, he hadn’t quite come to terms with his new found -okay, maybe they weren’t new and he’s loved you since he first met you,- feelings. Jisung kept his head turned away from you, afraid you'd see the blush that had tinted his cheeks.

“Mhm.” He nodded. Keeping his response simple. He didn’t want you to see his face and use that big brain of yours to figure out just what thoughts plagued his mind about you.

“Well come on, let's get dressed and eat so we can find you some place to stay for a while.” 

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Your mother had been a real estate agent for the past twenty years. She was one of the highest grossing real estate agents in the state. Her vacant properties -which she had plenty of- were what you were going to start with. You'd have to pay extra careful attention to what ones hadn't been looked at in a while and make sure to keep whichever one you settled on that way. “What about that one?” Jisung pointed to a listing of a single family home that was a town over.

“Neighbors would notice. You wouldn't want to be arrested for squatting. I’m sure your dad would love that.” You kept scrolling as he looked over your shoulder, leaning on his hand that was on your arm rests. “It needs to be some place close enough to where I could get to you in case of emergencies, but far enough away from others so they won’t be suspicious.” You chewed on your lip. 

Jisung tried to keep his eyes to himself, but something about the way you looked when you were in full concentration always made his heart flutter. He sighed wistfully. Before all of this happened, he had plans to ask you to be his date to prom. He hoped that if the night turned out well, that he would ask you to be his girlfriend. But he went and fucked things up. His dad did always say he was a good for nothing fuck up. Maybe there was a bit of harsh truth in his words.

“Oh just be honest with yourself, you'd miss me too much if I went too far away.” He chuckled, clearing out his dark thoughts with a joke. Little did he know, he was right. In the four years you'd gotten to spend time with him, even vacations away from each other seemed like torture. Your mother commented once that she'd,

‘Never seen two people who weren't in love, be so attached at the hip. You can’t find one without the other.’ You supposed she was right. A bond like the one you and Jisung had was rare. You considered him your soulmate, your person. So, no, you didn't want him to be too far away. You honestly didn't think you'd be able to handle that. It’s also a part of the reason you were afraid to open any of the letters you’d received from prospective universities. You wanted to stay close to home, but your parents insisted you leave the state, to do and see more. You thought you’d seen enough through traveling and would be just fine close to home and Jisung.

“Don't flatter yourself.” You rolled your eyes to sell the act you were putting on. “Someone has to keep you out of trouble.” 

He scoffed, “Your delusions are getting worse each day. You do realize you're like zero for three at this point, right? I got arrested, expelled, and I'm homeless, and that's all from one day!” You rolled your eyes so hard it was surprising they didn't just roll out of your head.

“How is that my fault? Before the protest I told you to talk to the headmaster to get permission or at least someone on faculty to let them know, but you didn't. You could have talked to the civics teacher, I'm sure she would have happily let us protest. Then when asked to disband, you laid into things harder as if the lack of permission wasn't bad enough. It was for a good cause, yes, but you have to know your limits. You cuffed yourself to the door, Jisung. Like, Seriously?! Then you resisted arrest… I have no words to express how stupid that was. So it's no wonder you got expelled, you broke multiple school rules and managed to get arrested, again.” 

You shook your head. You weren’t disappointed in him, you’d leave that to his father. But you did feel he could have gone about things a little differently. “You didn't even bother telling me that you were running away. We could have planned for this. I could have done something to help before you packed your bags. Least you could have done is let me pick you up.” His arms moved from the arm rest to wrap around you. 

He knew he had you worried, just by the way your eyes looked when you came outside. But his mind was in disarray last night. As soon as he walked in parents house yesterday afternoon he could feel all of what was going to come down on him when his father came home. It was like his mind's eye was open and he could see the immediate future. Said future was telling him he needed to run. That he needed to get out of there before his life ended in that stupid house.

“You can be so annoyingly right sometimes. But it wouldn't be very punk of me if I took the easy way out. Plus, arrest records give me street cred.” You sighed heavily and pushed him away. You couldn’t deal with his strange ideologies right now, you were trying to prevent him from being a common, unhoused, delinquent.

“You're an Idiot.” You mumbled under your breath. You didn't really mean it though. Yes, Jisung made brash, spur of the moment decisions. Yes, they resulted in him being in trouble more often than not. But, Jisung was far from an idiot. Really, he bordered the lines of being a genius. At least to you. He was honestly one of the most sincere and compassionate people you'd ever met. Plus his talent for writing, music, drawing, hell anything he put his mind to creatively, was unmatched. Just don't ask him to play sports. Now, that's when he seemed like an idiot.

“This is it!! Ji, look!” You pointed to the screen, shaking the monitor just from the force. 

“Is that… a van?” You could hear the disgust in his voice, you didn’t even have to look at his face to know his feelings. “You want me to… live in a van?” He grabbed the mouse, scrolling down the page. “There has got to be something… better… right?” It seemed like that was the last property with an actual structure on it, everything else was just land or warehouses. 

“Would you rather a tarp and a cardboard box? Because that might be your only other option.” You quickly pointed out, taking the mouse back from him. “I’m sure one of these vacant warehouses can house you. That is, if you are willing to share your space with roaches, rats, and other creepy crawlies.” He flailed at your words, throwing a small tantrum. 

“Why~ Y/n? Can't I just… stay in your basement or attic or something?” He flopped on your mom's office sofa, still kicking around.

“Because, if my father finds you, He’ll end your life and you know it.” Jisung shuddered at the thought. Your father tolerated him, he always had. He understood that the two of you were friends, but if anything other than friendship happened to spark, he’d flip. He was the type of man that thought his daughter should “preserve her innocence until marriage.” So, that meant he was constantly breathing down your throat about promiscuity and how you should wait. 

That boys, especially ones like Jisung, were not worth your time. He had even had ideal suitors lined up for you to meet during your eighteenth birthday. Someone from a good home with a promising future. Not a homeless dreamer that got expelled from school and ran away from home. To your father, the man for you could never be Jisung, and he had made that known to the both of you in one way or another.

“And he knows exactly what to give me to kill me too. He probably would donate my body to the med school too, just for good measure.” Jisung shuddered at the thought. “Damn it, I hate when you're right.” Your father petrified him. You didn't know this, and he planned on never telling you that your father threatened him the first time they met. Not the first time you introduced them, but the first time they met at the resort. 

Your father had followed you, to make sure you weren't up to anything questionable with the boy you grew so fond of so quickly. He observed from afar, until Jisung got up to use the bathroom. The man towered over the boy, his imposing figure casting a large shadow over him.

“Listen here. That girl that you're chatting up, that's my baby. And as my baby, she gets the benefit of the doubt, you on the other hand, do not. If you're thinking about having sex with my daughter, think twice.” He leaned in, getting down to Jisung's level. 

“I have friends in high and low places. If I wanted to make you disappear, all it would take is a snap of my fingers and poof, you're gone. If you lay a hand on my baby, I'll make sure that's the last time you touch anything with it at all.” It seemed that with every word he spoke he backed him further and further towards the wall, until his back finally hit it. “Keep your hands and your dick to yourself. Understand me?” Jisung nodded slowly, afraid any other action would piss your dad off. “Good.” He patted the boy's shoulder. “Now, hurry up and get back to her. You don't want to keep her waiting for too long, now do you?” Jisung felt like he couldn’t breathe until your father disappeared from his vision. He slid to the ground once the man was gone. That was the day he was glad he had a strong bladder.

So, there was no way in hell he'd be caught here. He didn't want to end up in a ditch somewhere, rotting or worse, he had dreams to fulfill. “Let me see if the lights and water are in my mom's name for this property…” You murmured under your breath. “She doesn't check when small amounts come out of her account. So, as long as you keep your usage low, you should be fine there.” Jisung sat up to look at you, now that his little tantrum was finally over.

All of his thoughts about your father had ceased. Now all he could think about was his fear of losing you. To wake up and not be able to hear your voice, or see your face. How could he survive the wild without you? “Will you come visit me?” You stopped clicking around once you heard the sadness in his voice. You quickly turned around in the office chair to face him. 

“Why would you ask a stupid question like that? You know I will. You living in a weird van can't keep me away. Even if it looks like you’d kidnap children in it.” He laughed at that, your joke lifting his spirits a little. “Now, if you were living in a cardboard box, you might not see me as much.” He kissed his teeth this time, only for you to laugh.

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“How much further is it?” Jisung asked, trailing behind you. You had to ditch the car, the trail was too narrow and overgrown for you to drive it. He hated walking long distances almost as much as he hated running. He was one of the few people who failed physical education, much to the coach's chagrin. They had stated previously that he had the potential to be a great track star. Yeah, that wasn’t remotely the kind of star he wanted to be.

“I think it's just up ahead, there is supposed to be a clearing…” Jisung had his bag and the guitar he had at your house for safekeeping. The one he had at home had been tossed out onto the drive from a second story window. You had a boatload of cleaning supplies, including a mop, bucket, and broom. This place had been abandoned for over a year and a half now, it had to be gross on the inside. 

You could hear him sputtering behind you as he swatted away bugs. “There was no way you could have survived on the outside.” You mumbled, shaking your head. If you were honest, both of you were spoiled little rich kids. Neither of you could survive, especially not without the other. “There!” You couldn't calm the excitement you felt as you saw the silhouette of the van through the trees.

“Fina-fucking-ly.” Jisung huffed, ready to at least take a seat and rehydrate himself. But you had other plans. You opened the van door, the smell of hot air whooshed past you. The pocket door revealed the small kitchen. A sink, floor to ceiling pantry and a counter with a hotplate on top and a mini fridge underneath. You climbed in first.

“This isn't as bad as I thought it would be. At least you have the basic amenities.” You nodded, crawling around on your knees, unaware that Jisung was still standing outside. Apprehension had started creeping its way into Jisung’s subconscious. All the what if's seemingly flying at him all at once. 

“What if you fail? Do you really think she’ll remain friends with a loser that is also a failure?” “What happens when you are here in the dark by yourself?” “What if no one likes your music?” “What if she finds someone else that makes her happier than you do?” “What happens when one of those picks that her father likes sweeps her off her feet? What happens to you then?”

“I don't think I can do this.” He turned on his heels, ready to head back to the car. 

“Ji, wait!” You quickly exited the van to give chase, he had barely made it back to the tree line before you stopped him. His face was red, both from the heat of walking and also from him trying his best to hold back his tears. Maybe he jumped the gun running away from home. He only had two or three months left before graduation, he could have made it that long. But here he was, in the middle of the woods, looking at an abandoned van as prospective housing. 

“If you give up now, you might as well give up on your dreams. Going back home means all of this was for nothing. You might as well throw away all the sheet music and demos you’ve made and go ahead and pick up the law books he was forcing you to read, because you will never do music again if you go back now. Do you want to let your dad win?” He stopped dead In his tracks. Leaving now did mean he was giving up. Going back home to a father that thought of him as nothing but a useless loser was not an option. It might be hard to tough it out, but it wasn’t anything he couldn't get used to. 

He sighed heavily, shoulders drooping with the harsh exhale of breath. “God, I hate that you're always right.” You chuckled. “But, I love it at the same time.” He turned to face you, taken back by the ethereal glow the backdrop of the clearing gave you. You looked otherworldly, a type of beauty that he could never fully wrap his head around. You were the type of person people wrote songs about. He wouldn’t admit it to you, but he was one of those said people. He stood there like he wanted to say something, but he just shook his head, letting the thought go. “You have to promise to come see me often. I… I can't do this alone.” You smiled brightly and he reciprocated. How could he not? To him, you had the most radiant smile. 

“Wouldn't have it any other way.” You reached for him, pulling him into a tight hug. “I'll always have your back.”

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Loneliness. That's what he expected to feel out on his own. His first night was full of it. Every little creek and bump in the night caused him to stir. Afraid that a random serial killer would happen upon his trailer and brutally kill him. Truth was, he just watched too many horror films, October wasn’t that long ago after all. Plus, the two of you loved to break tradition and watch horror and thriller in place of cheesy Christmas love stories where there was always a small town guy and a big city girl who fight their differences to fall in love with each other, while simultaneously saving the town's failing get-together spot. It was always the same trope in a different font and you both hated it. 

When a particularly loud sound pulled him from his sleep, his immediate response was to call you. He’d had enough run-ins with the cops to know not to call them when he was squatting on some middle of nowhere abandoned property. He knew that your soothing voice would be the one thing that would calm him down. It was the only thing that made him feel safe. Just hearing your voice would save him from drowning or bring him back from the brink of death.

“Mhm.” Even with just a hum he knew you had been in a deep slumber. It hadn’t even been the blaring ringtone that woke you up, it was the bright screen of Jisung doing his happy dance after trying the cheesecake you made him for his last birthday.

“Will you stay on the phone with me? It's… Kind of scary out here by myself.” He could hear you shuffling, before settling. Jisung was used to being alone; between his parents traveling for work and his brother being away, loneliness was a constant for the boy. But he knew you were always a phone call away. You’d never failed to answer his call, even if you were asleep or busy; you always made time for him.

“Have you been to sleep, Ji? It's like after four.” Your speech was still slurred, but he found it comforting.

“Yeah. But I keep hearing things.” He played with the fringe on one of the throw pillows you'd lifted from your parents' guest house.

“Want me to sing our song?” He knew you hated to sing, you felt that you couldn't. But he liked for you to sing to him, just for him. Felt like a warm embrace. Your voice was sweet and angelic.

“Please?” You chuckled softly.

Clearing your throat, you started to sing. “Wherever you are, I'll always make you smile.

"Wherever you are, I'm always by your side. Whatever you say, you're always on my mind. I promise you "forever" right now.”

He could feel himself sinking into the mattress underneath him. The worries of the day mentally melting off of him with each word you sang. You were his comfort. He closed his eyes as you continued to sing.

“Someone I can love from my heart. Someone I love from the bottom of my heart. In the center of this love. You are my heart…” 

You paused, hearing the light snoring through the receiver. You couldn't help the sleepy smile that spread over your face. “Goodnight, Ji. Love you.” You hung the phone up quickly, missing his sleep riddled reply.

“I love you too, Y/n.”

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The weeks passed by slowly, turning into months. You meant it when you said you’d visit. You were over at Jisung’s place almost every day. Even when things got a little hectic in your schedule you still made time for him. He appreciated that, he really did. But something was off with you. He felt it deep down, every time you canceled on him, or changed the subject when all he asked was a simple question. You were keeping something from him and it wasn’t anything small either. 

Jisung was sitting on the floor of his van, feet dangling out of the open sliding door, plucking at his guitar. There wasn’t much inspiration flowing as of late. Not when his mind was occupied with you and the secret you were keeping from him. He wanted to know, just wanted to come right out and ask you what you were hiding. But he knew if he was going to ask, he needed to do it gently. You’d shut down if he forced you to tell him what was up. He was so preoccupied with his thoughts he didn’t see you come out of the clearing. Not even the dry grass crunching under your sandals could pull him from deep within his thoughts.

“Ji, I think your ears are smoking. You okay?” The sound of your voice snapped him out of it. His fingers stopped what they were doing and he sat up. 

“Huh? My what are what-ing?” He moved his hand to his ear, feeling for whatever substance you said was coming out his ear, only to realize you were joking. He chuckled. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be out celebrating?” His class graduated today. Instead of being out, celebrating with you and taking pictures of this great day, he was stuck in his van. Barred from coming within fifty feet of the school. 

“Are you dumb? What kind of celebration would it be if you weren’t with me?” You pulled your hand that he hadn’t realized you were hiding until you flashed your diploma. “I’m free… from well.. High School.” You chuckled. “Those last few months were tough without you, Ji. I had no one to talk to.” You sighed, but his only response was to hum.

The tension had built up in his head, his intrusive thoughts winning the ongoing battle in his head. “What are you hiding from me?” He spoke suddenly, not even bothering to look in your eyes as he asked. 

You shook the diploma cover you held in your hand, “My diploma. Is… is everything alright, Ji?” You looked at him confused. Chalking it up to maybe he’d been out here too long by himself. It had been two days since the last time you were by, you just couldn’t free up time.

“No, it’s not alright. You have been acting strange for the last month or so.” He sat his guitar down and jumped down out of the van, coming face to face with you. “You know you can trust me, so, why are you hiding something from me?” 

You thought you’d been acting normal. Trying to keep those feelings of betrayal from seeping out of your pores like bottom shelf liquor. “I…” He was right, you had been hiding something, from the fear of feeling like you’d lose him if you told him the truth. 

He sighed, frustration taking over his expression. Being a forced recluse had taken its toll on Jisung. Jisung might have had most of the things a person with an actual apartment had. He had a kitchen, albeit a small one. He had a place to sleep, and a makeshift living room. He had a sink and could go pee outside, plus a hose to hose down with in place of showers.. He had to walk a few miles to the local gym to handle other things like real grooming, so his hard on his face and the top of his head had grown out tremendously. Not to mention places you hadn’t seen.

Jisung had gotten a job in town, and used you as a reference. Now he worked the night shift at a gas station. It gave him something to do in the meantime, to help him save up to move somewhere other than this ultra conservative little town so he could pursue his dream. He had always hoped you’d get accepted somewhere cool so he could tag along and get some gigs. He always wanted to be wherever you were.

“Please, just tell me the truth.” His voice was soft. He just wanted to know the truth.

You sighed, eyes focused on the diploma in your hand. “I’m leaving.” You spoke, but you stayed planted in your spot. Jisung looked at you confused. 

“Now? Or…”

“Right before school starts. I… I got accepted into the university of my dreams…. Ji…” The sadness in your voice was palpable. The excitement hit him before the realization hit. You’d been talking about where you really wanted to go if you ever got the chance. It was in a different country, halfway across the globe. You were leaving. For real.

He took a moment. He didn’t want to seem bitter that you were leaving him. But, you were leaving him. His rock was leaving him to float away. You kept his mind grounded, what was he going to do with you gone?

“I.. I’ve been afraid to tell you. I wanted to tell you in my own way, whenever I was ready. But… It never seemed like a good time.” You were picking at a loose string on the hand stitched leather cover.

It felt like an eternity before Jisung spoke again. “You’re leaving… for uni?” You looked up, alarmed by his voice which was devoid of any type of feeling.

"What happened to us sticking together? Staying close to each other?" He frowned, "So.. you're leaving m-..?" He paused, but quickly corrected himself. "You are leaving Rutherglen?"

“Yes, in a few months.” You nodded, hoping that if you explained you had time before you went it would help him to process it better.

He was trying his best to keep all of his emotions from spilling out like an over boiling pot, but he couldn’t keep it in. “How long have you known?” 

Your brows creased into a frown. “How long have I known that I wanted to go there? You know the answer-”

He stopped you mid-sentence. “How long have you known that you were leaving? How long have you known that you were leaving me behind?” His voice came out calm, but it was the type of calm that led to murders.

“Ji- I- don't know. I just.. I wanted to tell you but I was afraid of how to say it-”

“How long?!” He snapped, scaring the both of you. You’d never witness this side of him. The shade of anger almost reminded you of his father. “Y/n.. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean-”

You cut him off this time. “A month.” You spoke matter-of-factly. “I got the letter a month ago and I’ve been riddled with anxiety while trying to figure out how to tell you. You know this is all I ever wanted and I-”

You felt the wind get knocked out of you before you could finish your sentence. “Go.” You stopped speaking as the cold word left your best friend's mouth. “I don’t need you to stay here for my sake. I’ll be just fine by myself.” He didn’t believe the words coming out of his own mouth, but somehow, you did. You took a few steps back away from him.

He didn’t dare look at your face, too afraid it would break his heart and make it even harder to say goodbye.

He had to let you go. He knew that and you knew that. All he would be doing is holding you back if he tried to convince you to stay closer to him. He knew this was your dream and he needed to support that. Because all you ever did was support him. He felt it was finally his turn to do the same for you.

If he didn’t let go now, he definitely wouldn’t be able to a few months from now. If he didn’t rip the Band-Aid off now, the wound would never heal. “Just fucking go.” He wanted to congratulate you, tell you just how good you did. That despite all of the hurdles you faced you still came out on top. You deserved to be celebrated. But he couldn’t do that with you, not right now. Not when he was on the verge of ripping his own heart out. He let his long bangs cover his eyes so you wouldn’t look into them and see the immediate regret they held. “Why are you still standing here? GO!” 

You swallowed the enormous lump in your throat. He wouldn’t get your tears, he didn’t deserve them. You couldn’t wrap your head around why he was so upset. You wanted to tell him, you really did. But how do you go about telling your best friend that you won't be able to see them again until some miscellaneous holiday? If that. Your family had money, but you doubt they would even care enough to fly you back and forth, especially if it was just to see some boy.

“Ji, I’m sorry I wanted to-” He stopped you before you could finish by getting in the van and shutting the door right in your face. He could show you better than he could tell you that he wanted you gone. You sucked in a deep breath and turned your back on the van. It took everything in you not to turn around, you didn’t want to say goodbye, especially not like this. Jisung on the other hand, only pretended to let his anger get the best of him. He retreated to his bed as soon as the door closed. He watched silently as your back disappeared into the brush. The sadness took over as soon as he couldn’t see your back anymore. 

This was the end of the best thing he’d ever had. The closest thing he’d ever felt was close to true unconditional love.

The passage of time is a funny thing. One moment you are crying your eyes out because what you thought was your person turned their back on you. Then you traveled halfway across the world to get your degree and ended up spending four more years in another place to get your doctorate. Now you are sitting at your younger brother’s wedding rehearsal. Just who gets married at the ripe age of twenty-two? He just got the hang of legal drinking, for Christ's sake. When did he even get this big? 

Things were hectic, especially considering you were his “best man”, like he didn’t have a male friend to fill the role. You would have been perfectly fine just sitting out with your parents as a bystander. Thankfully you were pretty familiar with his friends and his soon to be husband. Plus you knew the ins and outs of his life, even if you didn’t want to. He said he trusted you more than anyone, that's why he picked you. You couldn’t say no to that, even if you desperately wanted to. 

The wedding was beautiful. His family also came from money, so they spared no expense to make sure that their ‘Lovely boy”, as they affectionately called him, got everything he wanted. That included a destination all the way in lovely Spain, Ibiza to be exact. Your parents paid for the reception, and of course, married or not, no one was going to outdo them when it came to their favorite child. They rented out a whole hotel with beautiful vistas of the Ibizan coastline. Your brother also wanted them to pay for Beyonce to come and perform, but they quickly shot that down, which you found funny. Instead He asked for another artist, one that his now husband seemed to love.

You had just finished taking a picture with the wedding party, successfully embarrassing your little brother with a big kiss on the cheek in the last photo. You couldn’t be happier for his happiness. He pulled you to the side, as the others gathered to make their entrance to the reception. “Sis, I couldn’t thank you enough for all you've done for me.” He put a hand on your shoulder, looking down at you with your mothers smile. Seriously, when did he get so big? “I know things haven't always been smooth sailing between us. I didn’t have nearly as many things to overcome, being that I'm the baby and mom's favorite after all.” He laughed and you playfully scowled. 

“But, I recognize, and I'm thankful for every sacrifice you've made as my older sibling. Without your encouragement I would have never gone to law school, which means I would have never met the love of my life. I'd still be miserable trying to remember all the fucking funky ass medical terms.” You laughed at that, the boy was struggling. He wanted to follow in your fathers footsteps, just to make him proud. But you’d convinced him that he could make him proud just by being himself and succeeding in something he actually loved. It turned out you were right, but when weren’t you? “I needed you to tell me to find something that made me happy. So, my question to you now is, are you happy, sis?” He slid his hand from your shoulder into yours. “I don’t mean with work, we all know you love your job. Dr. Y/L/n.” You smiled, but you didn’t answer the question immediately.

For years now, it felt as if something was missing from your life. But you couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was. You’d been in a few relationships since you’d left Rutherglen, you’d even been engaged. You’d made friends along the way, some you were even still close to. But for the most part, nothing ever felt worth the effort to keep. Maybe it was the trauma you’d felt from all of your failed high school relationships that found a way to creep into the ones you’ve tried to make. Maybe it was just some weird void left there by the person you thought was your person. Who knows? But, you were alone. But you didn’t feel like you were lonely, per-se. You filled whatever deep well of emptiness with traveling and good food. 

Your brother gave you a look and it caused you to sigh. “I’m good. This is you and Liam’s day, Aaron. I know you want to save the world and all, but you can’t solve all my problems. At least, not today anyway.” You chuckled. It was sweet that he was concerned about you, it really was. But, you’d been trying to deal with whatever this hole was for over eight years now. You found that it was either something that you get used to, or you try to fill. You just decided to get used to it. There was no use in trying to fill the black hole left in your heart by-

“It’s time to head in, you two.” The wedding planner snapped you out of your thoughts. You smiled up at your younger brother before tugging him along to join the rest of the wedding party.

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“Thank you, Manchester!” The crowd roared as Jisung threw his sweaty and torn tee-shirt out into the pit of fans. He and his band Mortal Savages were promoting their latest album, Awkward Example, on tour. This was the last stop on the European leg of the junket, after they had toured the world. He rushed off stage as the throng of fans started to get rowdier than they already were. A small mosh pit was starting to form in the middle and he honestly wanted no parts of that. Last time they waited around while that happened, he lost a tooth and ended up with a concussion and a busted guitar. 

His assistant handed him a bottle of water as he exited the stage. “Your flight is in two hours, Mr. Han. I have arranged a private car to pick you up from your hotel and take you to the airport.” Jisung nodded, listening idly. He just wanted to unwind, before heading to this small gig he and the rest of his band had been booked for. If it wasn’t for this being a special request of a friend of a friend, he’d be headed right back to Seoul with his band.

See, Jisung had made quite a name for himself over the past eight years. After he pushed you out of his life, he picked up the pieces as best he could. Using your exit as motivation. He hoped that you wouldn’t hate him forever, that one day the two of you would reunite. But in case you didn’t, he wanted to use the little bit of light you’d shone in his life to really make something of himself. He started small, busking a few towns over in a big city.

That landed him a few gigs here and there like weddings and bar mitzvahs. As much fun as those were, he had bigger dreams. He started to post short covers on tik tok and things kind of picked up from there. He was recognized by an artist that wanted to start his own label and the rest was history. He’d found his people. He put together his own band from some people he’d met in circles while touring by himself. People who had small fanbases, but great potential. 

Hyunjin, his bassist, was a model. He played bass in his free time and had a few videos posted on his insta account of him playing. He was suggested to him by a secretary at the company. Okay, maybe suggested was a strong word. She had a crush on the bassist, so it was only natural that she suggested Jisung look into him. He did, and he loved his style. Hyunjin introduced him to Felix, his closest friend, a twitch gamer that just so happened to know how to play guitar, and had a pretty surprising set of vocal cords on him. It was only natural he asked him to join the group. 

He found Jeongin in a jazz bar of all places. The kid was a classically trained pianist whose one act of rebellion was to play jazz. Jazz. As surprising as it was, it is what almost got him disowned by his family. Jisung convinced him that if he really wanted to make his parents mad, he should try rock. Turns out, Jeongin’s dad really liked rock music.

Despite him trying to anger his parents, he actually made them proud. Go figure. All he needed to round out the group was a drummer. He found his drummer, an Aussie, on youtube, doing shirtless rock remixes of popular r&b and pop songs. The dude was so undeniably cool he called his manager that night to ask him to find this dude. By the time he woke up the next morning, Chris was on a plane to see him. 

They somehow all clicked, becoming a band of brothers in a matter of months. He couldn’t see his life without these guys now. Jisung was relieved when the door closed behind him in the dressing room. He needed to tune out all of the noise. He hated being alone with his thoughts, they seemed overwhelming at times, but after a set, it seemed to be the one thing that comforted him. He flopped in a chair, directly in front of a vanity, taking in his reflection. 

So many things have changed over the years. He changed his hair a few times, it went from short to long and back again. He recently grew it out, opting to keep the long hair, figuring it stopped his face from looking so youthful and chubby. He'd dyed it several times, but it was currently back to his regular dark brown. His previously unmarred skin was now littered with various tattoos with different meanings and reasons behind them.

Most of them remind him of his past, both the good and bad. Without those moments, he wouldn’t be who he was today. He ran his fingers through his damp fringe, sighing. He had no time to reminisce about ancient history, he had somewhere to be in a few hours and needed to gather his strength to get there. Jisung pushed himself up with a heave-ho and gathered up his things.

It was a quick ride back to the hotel. There were a few fans and reporters posted outside. It was just the ones who had figured out he and his band mates were staying there. His anxiety started to kick in the moment he started to see the flashes of cameras as the car came to a halt in the drop off area. He almost asked his assistant to go get his things, that he’s take care of his personal hygiene when they got to their destination.

But he group mates were already shuffling out of the SUV before he could get his bearings. Jisung felt like he was in a trance, his body moving on auto pilot. The sound had cut out, all he could hear was muffled shouting and the incessant humming noise. His face was blank, gone with any thoughts that he had in his head. There was just this tiny voice in his head telling him, “You got this, Ji.” It sounded an awful lot like his old friend. But it had been eight years and the sound of her voice was something he had long ago forgotten, no matter how hard he tried to hold on to the memory of it.

There were times when he thought he might forget her face, but social media was a constant reminder of it. It wasn’t like he was stalking her or anything . Okay, maybe he was. But it was only just a little bit. He just wanted to know if she was doing well. If she’d gotten married, or made any big life changes. She’d changed a lot too. Her style had changed, as well as her hair a few times. But the thing that stayed the same was her smile. It was the thought of her smile that kept his feet moving as he made his way into the hotel. The sound came back in as the cool air of the hotel lobby hit his face. He breathed a sigh of relief. Thankful he didn’t have another episode like he did a couple weeks ago. He fainted from anxiety and it made front page news, much to his chagrin.

“Alright, everyone go get your things. We will meet back here in forty-five.” His manager spoke after rounding up the band and their staff. It wasn’t much time, but he was glad he’d get at least a few minutes to himself before heading out again into the sea of people waiting for him. The elevator ride up to their floor was filled with eventful conversations between the members and the few staff that took the ride up with them. Jisung would throw a smile or a nod around occasionally, but was otherwise disengaged. His mind was filled with thoughts about his family. How his brother and his wife had welcomed their second child, a little boy with round chubby cheeks just like his uncle. He hoped that his brother would be a better father to the second born child than their father was to him. 

Even though they had since then made up. Jisung knew it was only due to him being a ‘success’, rather than his father truly being sorry for all of the pain he’d caused him. It took a lot of therapy and lyric writing for him to even be remotely open to talking to his father. If it wasn’t for mis mother practically begging him to forgive the man, he would have never even considered it. Turns out that the youth vote can be boosted when your son is a super popular rockstar. Just have said rockstar pose in a few pictures with the mayoral candidate with the same name, and your political career might take off.

He didn’t fault his father for it. He'd worked hard to get his career to that point. There was nothing wrong with booting your votes with a pretty well-known artist. Especially when that artist is your child. His father actually sat him down amidst their reunion and told him that the only reason he treated him like that was because he saw too much of himself in him. That he once had aspirations to be a rock star, that he almost made it. Him and his band had signed a record deal and everything. But things fell through and they ended up having to pay back the company for the debt they had incurred. He just didn’t want that life for his son. He also admitted that he may have gone about things the wrong way, not recognizing the same stubbornness in his son that he once had.

The ding of the elevator brought Jisung out of his thoughts. He separated from his members as he pushed his door open after using the keycard to get in. He was back to his thoughts, now his brain now blotted with thoughts of you. He missed you, dearly. How your lips curled when you smiled. How your hair smelled when you hugged him in the mornings before class. How your sleepy voice sounded. How out of everyone, you gave him the most strength to make it day to day. How a chance encounter was the reason you two became friends in the first place. Even down to how you were his person. 

Even years after seeing you last, you were still his person. He had a feeling you would always be. Countless hit records were written about you and he'd keep writing about you until he couldn't write anymore. His muse. His first true love. His person. The lov- “Aren’t you Han? From Mortal Savages?” His door barely clicked open when he heard the high pitched vocal fry of what he assumed was one of his fans. He sighed. If he hadn’t been caught up in his thoughts maybe he would have seen her and possibly avoided all of this. He quickly closed the door, knowing all too well how some fans could be and he didn’t want to take that chance.

He turned to her with a smile. “Yeah. What can I do for you, beautiful?” He’d learned from Chris that sometimes you had to pacify the fans with a compliment, make them feel special. It made them come back.

Her eyes lit up at the compliment. “I- I was hoping… you might invite me in.” Jisung tried his best to keep his face neutral. “I’m your biggest fan, a-and I wanted to show you just how much I love you.” Stealthily he turned on his camera to record this incident, sometimes you had to be careful with delicate situations like this. He didn’t want his career to end over a ‘he said, she said’ situation. 

He sighed again, “Look, you seem like a nice person, but I’m really tired and I don’t have much time. I have another gig to get t-”

“But your schedule says it’s clear..” She pulled out her phone to provide the evidence. 

“It’s a private event, that's why it isn’t on there.” He nodded, “I really need to get packed up so that I don’t miss my plane.” She took the opportunity to step closer to him.

“I promise I’ll make it worth your while!” She got a little louder, alarming the man even further.

“N-no thank you.” He spoke nervously. He’d had industry friends say that this happened to them all of the time, but this was a first for him. He stepped back, back hitting the door to his room. 

“I’ll be really good for you, Ji.” She pressed her body against his. Calling out the nickname that no one, but you called him. You were the only one allowed to call him that. It was either his last, first, or his full name. It didn’t have the same endearing ring when others said it. He hated how it sounded falling from other people's lips.

“Wh-what did you call me?” He stared at her blankly.

“Ji.” She smiled wide as if she had accomplished something. “I thought it was cute. Everyone else calls you Han or Jisung, so I thought it’d be nice to call you something I came up with on my own.”

The anger was rolling off Jisung in waves, like magma slowly building towards becoming erupted lava. His face stayed calm as he spoke, but every word was pointed. “Don’t ever call me that again. It’s not for you to come up with different names for me. It’s Jisung, not Ji to you. Understand?” She nodded, getting the underlined hint that he was angry. He didn’t even sound like himself.

“Now, like I said… I have somewhere to be and you are holding me up. If you want a picture or an autograph I can give that to you, but I can’t give you anything else.” She took the opportunity to get the picture, but he was sure she was going to write some whack ass caption like, “Don’t meet your idols.” Or some shit like that. He didn’t have the capacity or strength to care at the moment, he had places to be.

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Jisung was often praised for how quickly he could go to sleep. Not many people had that skill, plus the ability to sleep anywhere and not be disturbed by the loud noise surrounding him. But his alleged gift did not come in handy on the flight from Manchester to their private booking two hours and some change away. As a matter of fact, that usual gift seemed like a deterrence. He fell asleep as soon as they got on the plane, but ten minutes later he was wide awake again. He tried his best to get some rest before they touched down, but nothing helped. He counted sheep and took a swig of liquor, he even tried a sleep aid, but here he was, looking out the window as the plane touched down. It had to be his luck, right? Something was off in the universe or something. Because why was his scale tipping towards all this bad will?

Even after arriving and settling into his hotel room, sleep just would not come to him. The hours ticked by. He tried at first to see if he laid in the bed long enough if sleep would still elude him, it did. He tried to gather some inspiration, maybe pen something fantastic about not being able to sleep, the inspiration never came. So as the sun slowly started to creep over the horizon, he decided to take a walk. The beautiful vistas around this hotel were captivating, so hopefully they would provide him with both inspiration and clarity. He stood near the cliff and watched the sunrise, not noticing the woman a few yards away from him, taking in the same views. He was about to leave, hoping that seeing the sun would finally put him to sleep when he noticed something about her. The briny scent of the sea mixed with her scent and just like a care package, the breeze sent it right into his nostrils. 

Every muscle and nerve in his body froze with the familiar scent. But there was just no way. Right? His father asked him to do this favor, saying this was his wedding gift to the son of a family friend. But it never occurred to him that your family were the aforementioned family friends. His body ached to call out to you, run to you, but his mind kept him in the same position. With good reason apparently. You were joined a moment later, a man around your age coming behind you, wrapping a blanket around your shoulders before taking up the spot right next to you. Was that your boyfriend? His anxiety started to bubble in the center of his chest, his heart felt shaky. He knew a day like this would come, when he would have to face you once more. Make amends with how he broke your heart. But he never expected it to be on your family trip. He didn’t expect to meet you again in the same manner he met you the first time. Meeting somewhere tropical with your family somewhere nearby. Now he had to add in a boyfriend to the mix.

His head was starting to pound, he needed to sleep. He needed his heart to stop beating so rapidly in his chest. He needed to call this all off and head back to the comfort of his own home, to get away from the madness. “Jisung, what are you doing out here?” His eyes widened, hearing his name being called. He turned around to see his manager, dressed in his workout gear, just having come from a run. In a panic, Jisung quickly pulled the man away from the scene, hoping you hadn’t heard. Just as he ducked back into the building, you looked around in the spot he was just in, to see no one there.

It took him a while to calm down. He could still see you from his hotel room and it wasn’t helping him one bit. Internet stalking you was bad enough, now he was literally stalking you, watching you from his window like some creep. He was anxious, sleep deprived, and now he had to add scared that he’d truly lost you forever. He looked on at you and your boyfriend, talking animatedly from the window. His arm was around your shoulder, he assumed to keep you warm. Even with the blanket still around you. “What am I going to do?” He was stressed. Hair sticking up all over his head from incessantly running his fingers through it. He couldn't leave, he’d made a promise with his dad to do this in his absence. Plus his mom was somewhere around, she’d been texting him all night about how she couldn’t wait to see her precious baby. He wouldn’t be able to stomach a decision that made her sad when she was clearly so excited.

He wanted to say ‘fuck you’, to being a good son. But at the end of the day he just couldn’t. What if you didn’t recognize him? Or worse. What if you ignored his entire existence? He knew you had every right too, he did push you out of his life just because you’d hidden your acceptance to college from him. Or at least that's what he let you think. He didn’t want to be the reason you didn’t follow your biggest dreams. He flopped on his bed, tired of watching the endless flirtation and touching between you and your supposed boyfriend. He laid in the bed, draping his arm over his eyes to block out the sunlight. “Get a grip, Jisung. It’s just a performance. She’s just a girl. Just do what you came here for and peace out. It’s simple.” At least he hoped that's how things would be. He’d perform, then he and his mom would make their way to Seoul to visit some family. Simple. Easy. Right?

Yeah, things were definitely not that easy. Not for him at least. He eventually fell asleep, just to be woken up by a knock at his door. It was his mother, inviting him to be her date to the wedding. Was he a momma’s boy because he couldn’t deny her this simple task? Maybe, but how could he say no to her? That's how he ended up between his mother and your third cousin, Lilliana, both women talking his ears off as he nodded idly. Luckily the wedding was outdoors, so his sunglasses made a lot of sense. He wasn’t the only one shielding their eyes from the sun's rays. The only reprieve he felt was when the wedding march started. For the most part, the wedding party came in one person at a time. Until it came to the best men, the two of you walked in together, arm in arm. The way he looked at you sunk Jisung’s heart lower than the floor. 

You were stunning, he could understand your boyfriend’s feelings. The way the all red pants suit looked on, put everyone else to shame. Even the way your hair was pinned up, or even how simple but gorgeous your makeup looked, all of the above just complimented your beauty perfectly. He couldn’t pay attention to the actual wedding, his mind and eyes focused on you the whole time. Even if you felt his stare, you didn’t acknowledge it. He was thankful for that. He already felt like a creep from watching you this morning. Even as you walked back down the aisle, he watched you until he couldn’t see your figure anymore.

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Nerves. He stopped getting nervous before shows years ago. But here he was, pacing back and forth, chewing on his already bitten away nails. His members looked on at him, worried. It’d been a while since they’d seen him like this and even though each of them tried their best to comfort him in their own way, nothing seemed to work. The time was ticking down for them to go on stage and the dread in the pit of his stomach was growing exponentially. What if she still hates me? What if she lets everyone know how disgusting of a human being I am for treating her that way? What is this…? What if that…? He was so far into his thoughts it took an actual push from his manager to start walking.  

“Babe, I know how much you love this group and their lead singer's voice. So, using my sister's old connections, I asked his dad if he could get them to perform for our wedding reception.” Aaron spoke, holding up his champagne flute towards his husband. “So, this is Mayor Han’s gift to us for our wedding. Please give a warm round of applause to Mortal Savages!” All of the young people in the crowd went wild, most of them rushing to the dance floor right in front of the stage to get a good view. Aaron hurried to his husband's side to watch the band. But all Jisung could do was look out into the crowd, in hopes of finding you. He felt like a teenager all over again. Transported back to his audience of one. No one else mattered in this moment, not even the grooms who he was here to entertain.

He expected to see anger in your eyes, but instead was met with this inexplicable sadness. “Uh- hi.” Jisung spoke nervously. “It’s been a while since we last played a wedding, but uh- I hope..” He could see your boyfriend whispering something in your ear just for you to shake your head no. It only made him wonder what he asked. “I hope this song reaches someone out there. Because almost every song is written for or about someone. Often it's about the love that got away, other times it’s about the love you feel in the moment. So.. I hope this helps to spread the love that this lovely couple is feeling at this very moment.” He grabbed his guitar, the pick nearly slipping out of his sweaty fingers.

As the song started, he kept his eyes locked on your, not straying away from your saddened yet scrutinizing gaze. 

“지킬게 아파도 돼 네가 흘린 상처들은 감싸 안을게 이미 내게 너는 죄 너는 죄…”

You tore your eyes from him, to focus once more on your boyfriend, giving that man a soft smile. One that was once reserved strictly for Jisung. Most if not all of your smiles once upon a time were because of him, they were for him. Maybe because things were so easy back then he didn’t realize he was taking them for granted, taking you and the love you showed him for granted, platonic or not. Almost as if he couldn’t lose them. To know that the reason you were no longer a constant in his life was all his doing? Felt like a ripping stab to the heart.

“뜨거운 네가 필요해, you are my volcano…”

He was thankful that you let the song end before you excused yourself. Jisung dropped everything, practically chucking his guitar into his manager's hands before running after you. He could hear the confused claps at the reception, he knew he’d have to deal with the consequences of his actions, but those were the last thing on his mind right now. He saw the fabric of your red suit rush to the elevator, but he quickly caught it before the doors closed completely. You sighed loudly, wishing you could have vanished before he found you, but your luck was apparently shit.

“Please.. Just.. hear me out.” He huffed, arms still stretched out at his sides holding the elevator door open. You wanted to tell him no, because what was left to say? He was the one who pushed you out, not the other way around. You owed him nothing. But you gave in anyway. Truth be told, you wanted to hear what excuses he’d make for his past behavior. Because a simple apology wasn’t going to work on you, you needed to know why he pushed you away.

He silently stepped on the elevator with you. The building only had a few floors, so he needed to speak quickly. “I didn’t realize until it was too late that this was your brother's wedding. I hope you don’t think I crashed it on purpose, because that just isn’t the case. I just-”

“Get to the point, Jisung. I don’t have all night to stand in this elevator and talk with you.” You spoke coldly, eyes staring into his murky reflection on the mirrored doors. You wouldn’t even spare him an actual look. He could feel himself getting nervous all over again.

“It’s not an excuse, but in my mind, pushing you away was the best thing for you. I wanted to keep you by my side. But I knew if I selfishly asked you to stay, you would. I also knew that talking with you over the phone or facetime wouldn’t be enough. Especially not when I’d grown used to having you near. Once upon a time, one phone call was all it took and you’d be there, but how could you if you were in another country? I couldn’t deal with even the thought of it. Being able to hear your voice, but not being able to actually bask in your presence- the thought of living like that for four years killed me.” 

You crossed your arms over your chest and rolled your eyes. “But that wasn’t just your decision to make, Ji-” His nickname almost slipped off your tongue, probably a force of habit. “Jisung. We could have figured something out. But you decided our friendship wasn’t worth fighting for. You literally slammed the door in my face. It’s been eight years. Do you think I’m still hung up on how you imploded our friendship on a whim? I’ve moved on. You should too.” Your sentence ended just as the elevator dinged, the old door creaking open. “Congratulations on becoming a success, by the way. I guess me not being around paid off for you.”

Your eyes finally met his, but he didn’t like the look in them. Like you loathed the fact that he was breathing the same air as you. “I can’t.” He spoke, exiting the lift with you. “I can’t move on. I never had any intention to.” He followed after you, even after you dismissed him. You were just trying to get into your room, away from him, away from the noise. But he was persistent. He followed you in. After you didn’t push him out, he continued. 

“Almost every song I’ve written has been about you. For you. I-I hoped that one day you’d see my face on tv or hear my voice on the radio and look me up. I hoped that you’d read my lyrics or my ‘thanks to’ and realize that everything I did was so you could see me. See that I needed to push you away for both of us to grow. I needed the pain to see that my feelings for you were more than whatever platonic bullshit I had reduced them too. I needed that space to understand that what I thought was love with my exes would never compare to the love I have for you. I’ve been in and out of relationships since you walked away from my van and back into the trees and nothing, not even the biggest heartbreak has compared to the feeling of never seeing your face or hearing your voice again.”

You kept your back turned towards him as you listened. You stared out the sliding glass door and glass balcony fence that overlooked the reception area. The party was still going on, everyone was having a good time, despite the lead singer of the band being missing in action. 

“All I’ve wanted this past eight years is for you to understand that I was too dependent on you. I needed to grow up, to man up and I couldn’t do that if you were around. I had to learn to navigate life by myself without you constantly helping me out of every little fuck up. Do you even realize that that's how it was? Everytime I fucked up, you came behind me and cleaned it up to the best of your ability. I flunked a class, you spent your entire summer helping me pass it so I wouldn’t be left behind the next year. I ran away from home and you found me a place to stay so I wouldn’t be homeless. I depended on you so much that I needed to know that I could do it on my own. You needed to go to the school of your dreams so you could do the work you were clearly called to do. I know I went about it the wrong way, I realize that.” 

His voice grew closer, so you closed your eyes, hoping you wouldn’t have to face him. “You broke my heart, Ji.” It hurt him to hear you say it, it hurt even more to hear how brokenhearted you sounded. “I thought that whatever we faced in life, we’d be in it together. Until the wheels fell off. Isn't that what we used to say? Isn't that what we promised?” It was more of a rhetorical question, you were sure you both knew the answer to that question.

“Then all of a sudden I was alone. You’d iced me out. I left the country right after graduation because I couldn’t stand even the thought of running into you, seeing your fucking punchable face. I realized on the plane why it hurt so bad. Why losing you as a friend hurt me worse than losing my childhood best friend to the glimmer of popularity. It was because I loved you. I came to the fucked up realization that somewhere along the way I had fallen madly in love with my best friend. If I thought I was heartbroken before, that made it far worse.” You finally turned to face him.

“Imagine, finally being able to move on. Finally free from the burden of unrequited love, just to hear his voice on the radio.” You chuckled humorously. “To have your friends gush over how hot the lead singer of this band was. Telling you just what his voice did to them in excruciating detail.” You sighed deeply just thinking of all the things your friends said they wanted to do to him or what they wanted him to do to them. 

“To have to suffer silently while they sang his songs or shoved his content down your throat. All while you are nursing the gaping wound he left behind. To keep having to relive the moment he gutted you like a fucking fish all because he what-? Wanted to be less dependent on you?” You tilted your head back as you scoffed. “I had no one, Jisung. You were my only friend. Just like you were dependent on me, it was the same for me. I had to rebuild myself once you were gone. It took years for me to open up to people, I had closed myself off afraid I’d be abandoned by someone else I considered my friend.” He could see that you were fighting back tears. He reached for you only for you to pull back.

“That's for a friend to do. Not for some random stranger that followed me to my room.” That's when the realization hit him. This looked bad. Really bad. He'd followed a girl to her room from a party. Even if you, him, and a few party goers knew the type of relationship you used to have, that was far in the past at this point. You didn't know each other now. For all he knew, you could have had a few drinks. All it took was one out of control rumor and his career would be over. He backed up, letting his hands fall to his side.

“I’m sorry.” His voice was low, almost nonexistent. “Please, let me be that for you again. It doesn’t have to be a full blown friendship, even if I want to work my way back to that. Just- just let me be there for you, please?” Jisung cautiously stepped closer with his arms stretched. It was a slow wrap of his arms around your frame, before he pulled you in close, patting your back soothingly. You both melted into each other. He swore nothing else felt more like home than being in your arms. He hugged you tighter and you broke down, sobbing into his fuzzy cardigan.

“I fucking hate you, Ji.” You gently hit his arm as you wrapped your arms around him. He chuckled lightly, a smile spreading on his lips.

“That’s okay, I’ll take the hate. Just as long as that means one day I can get you to love me again.”

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You took a few moments to recollect yourself, deciding to return to your brother's party. You tried to convince Jisung to go ahead without you, since he was being paid to be there, but he refused. He stuck with you the whole elevator ride back down and all the way until you made it into the reception. “Where the heck have you been?” A man approached the two of you, one who you could only assume was his manager. “You just ran off stage without a word. Do you know how that makes you look?” As he laid into him, you slowly backed away, going for your escape. Only for Jisung to reach back and grab your hand.

“I- I know, Hyung. I- this is her. This is my, Y/n.” He lightly tugged you forward, showing the man you clasped hands. “This is her little brother's wedding. I’ll perform a few songs by myself to make up for my absence. You and the rest of the guys can go ahead and head out. I’m so sorry for the inconvenience.” The man looked at him skeptically before he nodded in agreement.

“Fine. I’ll see you back in Seoul in a few weeks. You have a great vacation.” His eyes traveled to you as he plastered on a warm smile. “Congratulations on getting your PHD, I know your family must be proud, Dr. Y/l/n. I know someone was.” His eyes darted to Jisung before he bowed and left to gather up the rest of the band.

“How did you even know I got my phd?” You asked, stealthily trying to pull your hand away from the death grip he had it in, but he didn’t let go. 

“I… kind of kept up with you. Mostly on my finsta account. I also might have received news from your brother. He came to confront me at one of my shows and we’ve been in contact since. Please don’t be mad at him, I asked him to keep it from you. I didn’t want you to find a way to cut off my supply. Knowing you were doing well is what kept me going.” You sent a scowl towards your brother, who must have felt a disturbance in the force. He put his hands up to say he had no choice. You’d talk to him about this later.

“I wanted to experience the milestones in your life, even if it was from secondhand stories.” He pulled out his phone, there was a photo album dedicated to you with pictures spanning from the first time you met up until your first day at your new job as a child psychologist in a nearby children's hospital. “Though I couldn’t be there, I still want to say, congratulations. I’m proud of you.” You rolled your eyes.

“So, what you are saying is… you internet stalked me for years and even pulled my younger brother into it, with a promise to sing at his wedding. Tsk tsk. Wait until the internet gets a hold of that.” You joked. The panic in his eyes before the realization was hilarious to you. “I’m joking, Jisung.” You smiled, “Thank you for being interested in my progress through life. Congratulations to you as well, Mr. Grammy nominated artist. That's amazing, Ji. It really is. I guess we really got what we wanted, huh?” You smiled wistfully. 

But the smile slid right off of Jisung's face. He got part of what he wanted. The other part was standing right in front of him, her hand in his. And as close as she was, she was still so far away. In his mind, it was all a matter of if he was going to truly confess everything in his heart, right here, right now. He was frightened that he might overwhelm you if he did.

Though he had let it slip that he loved you earlier in your hotel room, that was nowhere close to the extent of what he felt for you. He wanted to shout it from the rooftop that the woman he loved had accepted him back into her life after he’d gone and fucked everything up.

Jisung had been swept up in a whirlwind, being introduced to all of you and your brother's mutual friends. His mind being put at ease, finding out that Hangyul was in fact not your boyfriend. Even if a blind person could tell he had fallen for your charm, Jisung was glad that was just his feeling and it wasn’t mutual apparently. Not with how far you put your wedding partner in the friendzone.

Giving Jisung a kind of go ahead to wiggle his way out of the friend zone he’d finally gotten back into. He excused himself, figuring it was time to finish out this set he was kind of sort of paid for. He sat on a stool on stage, acoustic guitar in hand, mic in front of him. “Sorry for bailing out on you all earlier. I saw the love of my life running out of the wedding hall and I needed to catch her before I made the second biggest mistake of my life.” 

Your eyes widened from the crowd where you were standing next to your brother and his husband. “The first was letting her go in the first place. I was young and apparently very stupid. I pushed the best thing that had ever happened to me out of my life and I’ve regretted that decision for the last eight years, twenty-six days..” He looked at his watch, “Ten hours, seven minutes, and 13- no 15 seconds.”

The crowd looked between the two of you, fascinated by the little tale the global rockstar was telling on this modest wedding stage. “I won’t be stupid this time. I promise to cherish every second that I’m blessed to have you in my life. I love you, Y/n. I have always loved you and I always will, no matter how much time passes.” You were holding back your tears. Jisung had always had your heart and despite you trying your best to keep your walls up, afraid that he would hurt you again, they all came tumbling down with every word that he spoke. 

“So, to the grooms. I hope that the two of you continue this beautiful love affair and cherish every single second you have together. Love isn’t something we should push down and trample on, it's something that is meant to be held on to, prized, and exalted.” He cleared his voice. “So, this is for the lovers in the crowd…I hope you love last a lifetime. I hope it never fizzles or fades and burns bright for eternity.” 

He strummed the first few chords of the song, the sound immediately bringing up fond memories of you and Jisung arguing over the best version of it, The Cure, 311, or Adele’s. You were always torn between 311 and Adele’s, while he was adamant that the original was far superior. It’s as if the rest of the world faded into the distance.

Call it tunnel vision, but all you could see was him and all he could see was you. You swayed gently, the gentle sea breeze dancing across your skin just like the melody of his voice. You hummed in tune with him, heart swelling as you realized, this song was for you. He was singing it, for you and only you.

“However far away I will always love you However long I stay I will always love you Whatever words I say I will always love you I will always love you…”

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You don’t remember the exact sequence of events but something clicked after Jisung’s solo performance. Maybe it was the look he gave you that made you feel like you were the center of his universe. Maybe it was the friendly banter you shared while having a few drinks. Maybe it was the late night stroll you took down to the beach or the way he held you to keep you warm. Or maybe it was the kiss you shared under the moonlight, the first of many for the night that got you going. But whatever it was that got you here, you were thankful for whatever combination it was that had you pressed against the door of your hotel room with Jisung’s lips and body pressed against yours. The feeling of his lips on yours felt electric. 

In your youth, you often wondered how it would feel to have that plum lower lips of his between yours. What it might feel like to bite it, just wanting to see his reaction. His reaction was nothing short of mind boggling. The groan that passed his lips, caused you to groan in return. Jisung’s fingers trailed over your body, slowly exploring every inch he could. Every inch that his teenage body begged to explore even back then. Every inch that he dreamed about, steamy scenes that played behind his eyelids every night. He had to be closer to you, the absence of you in his life had left a gaping void that he needed to fill. Right here. Right now. In the very moment. His shirt was first. Tossed somewhere to the side, leaving the tattoos and muscles that he’d gained over the last eight years. Your eyes widened, distracted by the hard musculature he had developed.

Your fingers traveled from his shoulders down over his pecs, making him shiver and whimper. The sounds give you ideas that your heart didn’t want you to act on, but your mind gave you the full go ahead on. “When was the last time..” You asked, hand in the center of his chest as you guided him backwards. He looked back, afraid he would fall, but you grabbed his chin making sure he kept his eyes solely on you. You didn’t stop until the back of his legs hit the mattress, then all it took was a simple push. Jisung was at your will. His round eyes shining up at you with pure anticipation in them.

“When was the last time you had sex, Ji?” You took off your red blazer fist, tossing it on a nearby chair. Next came your vest, you slowly and methodically took your time with each button, simply because you could, but also because the only thing under it was your bra. His eyes darted around, he swallowed hard. His blood was rushing straight to bulge in his pants.

“I-I don’t know. I-it’s been a while..” He kept his statement vague, too overwhelmed by everything that was happening to pinpoint an exact date. “A year- I think. Maybe more.” You smirked, shrugging the vest off your shoulders and tossing it to be with your blazer. You reached down and grabbed his hands, placing them on the waistband of your trousers.

“Take them off.” Oh the look of panic in his eyes set your heart aflame. He was absolutely the cutest. And even though you weren’t normally one to take full control in situations like this, you were oh so looking forward to taking advantage of your dear friend's vulnerability. He was going to be your tonight. The man's trembling fingers reached for the button, almost too shaky to undo them. You were patient, running your fingers through his silky hair. It took him a few minutes, the cool cross-breeze from the open balcony window offering a little air to cool off the heat on your skin. “Panties too.” God, the way the words sounded as they entered his ears did more for him than anything ever did. He’d been waiting to hear those words forever at this point. 

His brain nearly malfunctioned when he moved a little closer to slip off your panties, your scent filling his waiting nostrils. He could explode. Would you think bad of him if he came right now? He’d promise to make it up to you. He must have been led by another power, because he would swear that he had no body autonomy at that moment. His brain wasn’t even at a functioning level that would be considered functional.

You were bare before him, lust darkening your beautiful eyes. He whimpered. “Please..” He didn’t know what he was pleading for, but that didn’t mean you didn’t enjoy hearing it any less. He was pushed back on the bed, stripped of his pants and underwear. Things were going so fast in real life, but his brain had slowed everything else down.

He barely noticed that you had straddled him and started teasing your slit with his tip. He wasn’t even aware of the noises that were loudly slipping from his lips. Jisung was in a haze, one that was carefully crafted by you, the goddess that sat above him.

The whimper that fell from his lips when you slipped him inside of you was the most orgasmic sound to have ever filled your ears. His still shaking fingers flew to your hips, needing something to ground him at this moment. His blunt nails dug into your sides as you teased his tip, letting him dip only a part of it into your entrance. “God.. please…. Please…” He begged, voice strained and whiny. 

He was definitely going to explode like this. He hadn’t even fully entered you and he was already losing his mind. He bit down on his bottom lip, eyes slipping closed as he tried to control himself. But his hips had other plans, he bucked up, pressing himself further into you and that was it, he came on the spot. The tight warmth was too much for him to handle at that moment. You pushed your hips down on him as he came, feeling the stream of cum coat your walls.

When his breathing calmed and his grip on your hips loosened, you pulled what little of him was inside of you out. Tsk’ing at the man underneath you. “Is my baby fucked out already?” You stroked his drenched cock, adding even more wetness by spitting on it. “You couldn’t even slip it in without coming, huh? What happened to that sex god of a rockstar everyone that you were?” He whimpered again, edging on overstimulation as you purposely targeted the head of his cock.

His fists were balled in the sheets, bottom lip chapped red from trying to bite into it. “S-stop, please..” You pouted at him before shaking your head. He deserved to torture just a little for all of the years the two of you missed out on doing this. You could have been his ages ago. His first girl and him as your first boy. But here you were eight years later, with a nice amount of experience under your wings. You were going to take full advantage of it. Jisung’s body convulsed as he came again. His body became rigid as he spurted his cum all over your lower stomach and hands. You jumped, surprised by the sheer amount of it.

You stuck your cum slick fingers in his open mouth, jolting his eyes open. His initial surprise melted as he enjoyed the taste of him on your skin. “Now, you are going to eat me out until I come. Got it?” You leaned down, grabbing his chin to make him look at you in the eyes. You opened his mouth and spit on his tongue, closing it back for him to accept it. You moved, lying down next to him. He wasted no time, getting between your legs expediently.

Jisung could die right now, happily. You were here with him, in the bed, his cum on your body and mingling with your own and pooling at your entrance. A feast, just for him. Everything and more than he could have ever asked for. He dove in, mind fogged with thoughts of you. Your taste. Your smell. That lustful yet dominant look in your eyes as you laced your fingers into his long, permed hair.

And the taste of you? It deserved five Michelin stars, two more than regular just because he said so. You tugged on his hair as he wrapped his plum little mouth around your clit. You used his hair as your anchor to move his head around as you saw fit. A hair pull to signal him to go faster, a pull to the left or right for him to move his tongue elsewhere. He was like your own little tongue flicking toy with a customizable setting. He lapped, sucked, and licked to both you and his content. His moans and whimpers almost outnumber yours.

He was in heaven between your legs, and would gladly mark his tombstone in this very place. His skilled tongue sent you barreling over the edge, your grip on his hair tightening to an almost painful level, but he didn’t complain. He was just happy that he was the one who was able to make you unfold like this.

Your other hand grabbed him by the neck, pulling him up to you for a passionate kiss. You could eat him alive if he let you. The hand in his hair slipped between the two of you. He had already started rutting his hips against you, desperate to feel you again. It was easy to grab him and slip him into you once again, but this time for real. 

Your breath hitched as his eyes rolled back. Your fingers still around his neck squeezed lightly as you continued to unmake and reassemble him with your kisses. He felt like he could feel every single atom that made him, him. His hips were slow to move at first, but once he built his rhythm, that was that. The sound coming from between the two of you was filthy. Spit and cum and your spent were mixing to make the glide in and out of your tight walls even easier for him.

Your toes were curled, knees digging into his sides as you squeezed your legs around him. “Fill me up, Ji. Fuck me full of your love.” Your name slipped off his lips like a prayer at your words. He’d give you the moon and the stars if you kept talking to him like that. “Isn’t that what you've always wanted? To make me yours?” He nodded frantically. You paused your words, fluttering around him at a more consistent pace. You were close, both of you knew it. Both of you could feel it.

“Yo-you are mine.” He kissed at your jaw, “Please, co-come with me. I- I need you-” He couldn’t get his words out to finish his thoughts. He had already murmured the magic phrase. “You are mine.” You came around him, pulling your lips only a breath away, taking in the air that escaped his mouth into your own lungs like it was the only oxygen you needed. His followed almost immediately, your tight cunt draining him of any energy of essence he had left. Your walls continued to flutter around him, even after every drop of him had been emptied into you.

Your hands fell to your sides, legs unlocking from around him. You had nothing left to give, but love to the man you’d loved most of your life. He rolled off of you, body slick with perspiration and the mixed essence that both of you expelled. He exhaled deeply, hand searching for yours, finding it nearby and over the covers. He kissed the back of it, eyes boring into yours. Unspoken words being said with just a look. The both of you admitting what you both knew as this escapade started. You were in love.

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“Encore! Encore! Encore!” The crowd chanted loudly. The lights in the stadium had just dimmed, signaling that the last song had been played. But they still begged for more. The band was backstage, goofy smiles on all of their faces. Adrenaline is still pulsing through their bodies.

“One more, guys?” Jisung asked and they all quickly agreed. One more song to end the night. They headed back on stage to an onslaught of rabid cheers. They had one more song up their sleeves. A song that eighteen year old Jisung had pinned himself, one that embodied the way he felt when he saw the heartbreak in your eyes when he pushed you away. He wanted to do nothing more than to wipe your tears, and hold your hand.

To tell you that everything would be okay. That he loved you, forever and always. Because to him, there was no him without you. He stood amongst his band on stage, belting the lyrics to the song. Eyes focused on the only person he wanted to see in a room full of people, the woman he loved. The person almost all of his songs were about. You, with that big proud smile plastered on your face.

“'Cause all I want is you, not your tears 눈물이 마를 때까지 I wanna make you the happiest one, no fear So baby, hold my hand now…”

FIN

© ✐Channieskies 『MINORS DNI! This post contains nsfw material. Please do not interact with it if you are under the age of 18. Do not translate or repost here or on other sites. Please leave a like , comment, and reblog if you enjoyed this story.♥』

SONG CREDITS: ✻BIG BANG - LOSER ✻ONE OK ROCK - WHEREVER YOU ARE ✻HAN - VOLCANO ✻THE CURE: LOVESONG ✻HAN - HOLD MY HAND

[mariasont]

not exactly vacation material

hotch reluctantly admits he doesn't know how to vacation, and you're determined to help.

pairing: aaron hotchner x sweetheart!reader warnings: fem!reader, flangst, hotch opening up just a smidge prompt: here wc: 1.1k

“I still can’t believe Garcia actually dragged Rossi into a psychic reading booth.” Your voice trails off into a bubbly, disbelieving giggle.

Beside you, Hotch makes a sound of amusement that you secretly cherish way more than you probably should. The team had practically sprinted in different directions the second you got to the boardwalk, and somehow, you’d found yourself gravitating toward Hotch.

Or maybe he’d gravitated toward you. 

Either way, both of you quickly (and silently, always silently) established that sugary clouds of cotton candy and sketchy predictions about love and wealth weren’t exactly your thing.

Or rather, they were absolutely your thing, just not in front of Hotch. You just couldn't really bear the thought of him watching you get sugar-coated fingertips and a strawberry-stained tongue.

And you certainly weren't about to have a stranger peer into your future and hint knowingly at your absurd crush on your boss.

No, some vulnerabilities aren't meant to be shared, so instead you're here — strolling side-by-side, sneaking careful glances at his profile glowing in the quickly dying sunlight, pretending your heart isn’t beating double-time whenever your elbows brush.

It's not helping, though, that Hotch seems distant tonight — not cold, of course, he could never be cold — but thoughtful in that deeply, faraway way of his. It’s the kind of quietness that makes your fingers itch to smooth out whatever’s creasing his brow.

But that would be inappropriate, so you opt for nudging his shoulder lightly, hoping it feels playful instead of anxious. 

“You know, if you’re secretly dying to witness Morgan on the Ferris wheel, we still have time to turn back,” you say, smiling up at him through your lashes, “Or,” you pause, suddenly feeling emboldened, “we could talk about what’s bothering you. No pressure, though. This is a totally judgment-free walk.”

There’s a pause, and then Hotch looks at you in a way that nearly sends you face-first into the wooden boards beneath your feet. You really need to invest in coordination lessons if you’re going to keep hanging around him like this. 

Golden hour has never felt more cruelly intentional, spilling liquid gold across his features that blur every hard line you wanted to smooth away, turning them into something irresistibly gentle.

You do your best not to openly gawk.

“I’m just —” he begins cautiously, as though the words aren’t quite fitting right in his mouth, “not used to vacations, or downtime, really. Feels a bit foreign to me.”

It’s not every day that Aaron Hotchner actually admits he’s uncomfortable, and the blunt honesty hits you with enough force to knock you sideways.

Almost.

Your first instinct is to lean into gentle reassurance, maybe even squeeze his hand or say something profoundly comforting, but you’re fairly certain that might send him sprinting back to emotional lockdown at record speed.

So, you pivot, smiling instead.

“Could’ve fooled me,” you tease. “Hotch, I’ve seen you triple-check the Airbnb reservations and wake up at six a.m. just to get a good spot on the beach. You're basically the poster boy for dad-on-vacation.” Your grin broadens. “All you’re missing is the Hawaiian shirt and socks with sandals.”

You earn a laugh from him, and your heart practically cartwheels in triumph. Excessive, yes, but entirely justified. 

Hotch glances sideways at you. “I’ll have to draw the line at socks with sandals.”

“So, the Hawaiian shirt still has potential. Very interesting development.”

The silence that follows is gentle, akin to the warm breeze threading through your hair. It’s comfortable. Peaceful without trying too hard.

Your shoulders brush occasionally — definitely accidental, obviously innocent, totally nothing worth overthinking (though you’re already doing exactly that) — but then it’s his arm brushing yours again. One might be an accident. Twice feels a little more intentional.

You both politely pretend not to notice.

Then your fingers collide, a hesitant meeting of fingertips. This time, neither of you pretend. You let them stay.

“Do you travel much?”

His question interrupts your quiet contemplation, startling you enough to nearly pull your fingers away, but you don’t. Instead, you lift your eyebrows, pretending shock at the very idea.

"Vacation? Bold of you to assume I'm allowed days off. I've got this super serious boss who frowns upon relaxation. Maybe you've met him?"

He shoots you a knowing look that melts your defenses, pulling a soft, almost shy laugh from your throat.

"Okay, okay, yeah, I traveled a lot growing up," you admit. “My parents were always off somewhere fancy for conferences or vacations. Figured if I didn't travel to them, I'd probably forget what they looked like.”

You regret the accidental seriousness the instant the words leave your mouth, feeling Hotch’s fingers gently retreat from yours. It's subtle, barely there — but enough to remind you of who you're talking to.

He knows your father, after all, and you’ve just inadvertently thrown the age difference (and everything complicated about this) right back in his face.

“Suddenly, your fixation on the thread count of the house’s sheets makes a lot more sense,” Hotch says, dry humor tugging lightly at the corner of his mouth, one eyebrow arching gently upward.

Yet your sharp eyes catch the subtle tightening of his jaw, the almost imperceptible stiffening — a clear indication your mention of family grazed a sensitive spot.

It’s a tiny sign that maybe you’ve stepped a little closer to a line he wasn’t ready to cross.

"Okay," you say, laughing a bit to cover the awkward flutter of nerves still dancing in your chest., "I'm sensing some judgment here, but for your information, my so-called fixation didn't stop me from backpacking through Europe and willingly sleeping on sheets that probably hadn’t been washed since the previous decade." You pause, looking to him. “You know, I actually think you’d really enjoy Europe.”

“I’ve been,” he replies, eyes distant and thoughtful in a way that has you holding your breath. “But only for endless hotel-to-meeting-room cycles.” He hesitates before adding, “Honestly, I wish I’d made time for real vacations earlier. Feels like I missed a lot of chances to just... slow down.”

Your mind stumbles a little, suddenly alert. It’s a small admission, so small anyone else might overlook it, but you know better. Because you know what he’s hinting at. You’re careful not to react too obviously.

“You've got plenty of time to catch up,” you reassure, “Honestly, anyone who packs extra sunscreen just in case already understands the basics of vacation-mode better than they think. Just gotta lean into it.”

Hotch chuckles quietly, tension easing from his posture as he catches your eyes. “I’m not sure packing extra sunscreen counts as vacation expertise, but I appreciate your generous interpretation.”

“You’re welcome,” you reply, letting your voice hang somewhere between playful and sincere.

For a moment the comfortable quiet returns, filled only by your shared footsteps. You're aware of every tiny touch — accidental, intentional, completely uncertain — and wonder briefly, a little hopefully, if Rossi's psychic could predict what would happen next.

Probably not, but it's nice to pretend.

join me at the beach for my 1 year/4k event!

day 2 extras

💌 click here to check in → confirm your room (and crush)

maria's spring break getaway masterlist

[earthtooz]

earth i need to catch up on ur ratio fics (i read some of flower one and i ate that shit up omg) because now the thought of seething annoying veritas being all angry whenever you even look at someone else infests my mind like an annoying worm. i hope you know this is what those fics do to me

x : EQUILIBRIUM : *+ﾟ

in which: ratio navigates through the perplexities of pining after you.

warnings: fluff, 1.6k words, intelligentsia guild!gn!reader is kind of a social butterfly and talkative, ratio is so pathetic i love him T^T, alcohol, aventurine feature! my writing isn't the best for this one i apologise :,D

a/n: thank u for the ask mhie!! i wanted to say that you enabled me perfectly because ever since his release, i've only ever thought about this one scenario where he's staring at reader from afar and absolutely seething because he's not the one talking to them xD sorry for taking so long omfg and im sorry for turning this into a fic, i just saw my opportunity and lunged at it like an animal rawr

Jealousy and envy are not familiar concepts to Dr. Ratio.

He knows of them, understands the inner workings and philosophical aptitude of both, knowing that they lead man down irrational paths. Yet, for all his years, he has not felt the bitterness of jealousy and envy squeeze him, cannot fathom why one cannot control their feelings and maintain modesty. 

Perhaps, the root of it was whatever Ratio wanted, he received. The only thing he has ever craved is knowledge, and it is available for him with the flick of a page, absorbing even the most complex of theories with ease. Conceptual, mathematical, scientific- not a single school of thought has hidden itself from his vast mind, proven by the many PhDs he has with his name.

Everything fickle that anyone could ever crave has long been his. 

Envious over someone else’s wealth? Money comes and goes, and merely serves as a medium of exchange. As long as he has enough to live comfortably, then he is content. Having too much of one thing can often result in a bottomless pit of wanting more, and material good was perhaps the most evil of all.

Jealous over someone else’s beauty? Compliments and adoration are not an unfamiliar concept to him; one glance at what’s under that stone mask will have others fawning over him instantly. He claims the mask is to protect him from idiots, but perhaps it also serves to shield others from the walking sculpture that is the Veritas Ratio, sharp features and toned body, there is nothing undesirable about him.

In conclusion, jealousy and envy are not familiar concepts to Dr. Ratio. Until he met you.

A fellow member of the Intelligentsia Guild but in another department, you too are a favoured delegate of the IPC, frequently attending the same events and trips as him. Thus, it was only natural that you’d become acquainted and that he’d grow to respect you, hearing about your achievements and dedications as an academic. What was unnatural, however, was the palpitations of his heart, weakness in his knees, paired with an overwhelming excitement to see you.

He’s no fool. These sensations were all symptoms of romantic attraction, but you were a variable uncounted for in the distribution of his life, and he was not ready for an outlier so powerful that it completely ‘skewed’ him over.  

Now, he laments in the corner of champagne parties meant for socialites. He is no lover of mundane interaction but as his contract with the IPC, he comes as a representative of the Intelligentsia Guild. 

These formal events always drained the life out of him, needing him to discard his everyday, flowey, carefree attire for a constraining suit, conforming him into the regular majority. 

He raises the glass of champagne to his lips and takes a small sip, the liquor serves as lubricant to the throat. The smooth finish of the drink is exactly what he needs; talking about the same subject again and again becomes exhausting, and even though it is in his role criteria, Ratio cannot wait to leave.

But he won’t, because he hasn’t seen you yet. 

Glancing around the room for the upteemth time this evening, you still have not entered his line of sight, and he leans against the bar in disappointment.

“Oh, why the long face, Ratio?” A mischievous voice coos from beside him. “It’s not a good look on you.”

“Spare me your sentiments, gambler,” Ratio spits back.

“As you wish. Not enjoying the party?”

“If you have something you wish to say then please, spare me the pleasantries.”

Aventurine laughs, all boisterous and extravagant, gold jewelry clicking against each other, as if coming alive to match his jovialness. He really is a personified headache. “You’re looking for someone, aren’t you?”

The scholar tenses, muscles tugging at the stiff fabric of his blazer, but that micro action was enough of an answer for Aventurine.

A gloved hand points up to the mezzanine of the grand hall. Ratio spots you, leaning against the railing whilst conversing with another man, one briefly talked to earlier. If he didn’t like him before, then he certainly didn’t now.

Handsome face turning into a small scowl, it’s almost as if you feel the intensity of a certain, golden stare, causing you to turn around and find the source, eyes eventually landing on the figures of a coworker or two. A brief smile graces your face before you turn around again, turning your back on the two onlookers.

Ratio loathes what he sees, and something within him yearns to be the only man you look at, causing an ugly, green sensation to brew within him; a concoction that can only be labelled as ‘jealousy’.

He just cannot figure out what other men have that he doesn’t; what is making him secondary in your heart? Why do you give these... idiots the time of day when you could be with him- talking to him?

It's all too perplexing, you make him perplexed.

“Well, go on, doctor,” Aventurine prompts. “Place your bets before it’s too late.” 

The purple-haired sighs, pushing himself off the bar. His feet take him to you, up the velvet-carpeted stairs. His gaze never strays from you, ensuring you stay within his line of sight and eventually, he stops right behind you, acting as a looming shadow.

His gaze is cold, hoping to pierce through your conversation partner so he can finally cower away and make room for Ratio.

“Doctor!” You exclaim, surprised by his sudden appearance. “When did you get here?”

Taking a hint, the stranger finally begins to peel himself away. “It was lovely talking to you, Y/n. I hope this won’t be our last conversation.”

“Likewise, have a lovely evening,” you farewell him with a small smile as the other party turns and eventually disappears from sight.

Finally. Triumph and victory settles in Ratio’s chest when your attention is directed solely at him, but you look up at him with arms crossed and a raised eyebrow.

“I swore I saw you downstairs moments ago, how did you get up here so fast?”

“I simply walked a normal pace, is that so abnormal?”

“I suppose not,” you huff, rolling your eyes. Veritas allows himself a glance over of your outfit, admiring you. “Have you talked to anyone interesting?”

You are by far the most interesting part of the evening, he thinks.

“Hardly,” he murmurs. 

“My guess is that you’d prefer to be grading student papers?” You muse, leaning in closer.

His heartbeat spikes. “Well, that is hard to say. Which would you prefer?”

“As much as I love my students, I need a break from the same thesis statements regurgitated in different formats. I’d rather be here.”

“Then that is my answer too.”

You give him a look that says ‘really?’, clearly not believing his aloof statement. Truthfully, he would rather be here because here is where you are, and he’d like a few moments with you before returning to the gloominess of his office. The hour hand is only at 11, what’s the rush?

Then, your eyes flicker to his neckline and they widen briefly, as if finding an issue with his tuxedo. “Hold still,” you command, hands coming up to rest on his sturdy chest.

You’re fixing his tie, he realises, feeling the fabric tighten ever so slightly as you adjust it. When you’re done, you flatten out the material with a satisfied smile, running your hands casually over his chest, and he hopes you cannot feel his heart jump. How do you touch him so easily, as if it means nothing?

“It was crooked,” you explain, “now you are looking as sharp as ever, Doc.”

“Thank you,” is the best thing he can sputter out.

“No problem, we need to have our genius looking proper at all times!”

Ratio is too stunned to speak, he fears that if he tried, whatever leaves his mouth will result in a various garbles and attempts at sentences.

Thankfully, you haven’t run out of words to say. “Oh, I have yet to get a drink! Will you accompany me? I could go for some refreshments right now.”

He nods and extends an arm for you to hold, and you happily accept it, holding onto his bicep as you ramble on about a conversation exchanged earlier in the night. If you were anyone else, he would not have cared in the slightest, but instead, he listens intently, taking slow and measured steps downstairs so you are comfortable.

In this bubble, the esteemed scholar is content. With you so close, it feels as if everything has clicked into place, like the scales of fate have finally balanced and equilibrium has been achieved. He could listen to you forever.

Unfortunately, all good things don’t last, because a face Ratio doesn’t recognise approaches you, hand resting on your shoulder. Judging from the manner of which they address and talk to you, you are close, and you don’t shrug them off. Next thing he knows, you’re ripped away from him, dragged into the sea of people.

You spare him a glance over your shoulder, as if apologising for the sudden disruption.

Still, he sighs, left behind with nothing but fervent symptoms of love clinging to his being, squeezing him for all he is.

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