#i just dont have time to read through theories and arguments anymore

[rainbowsunshinegeesus]

sorry everyone i left because i was wasting way too much time in my life scrolling through this app and looking at grown people argue over a show that didnt even take itself that seriously. i just came back to post the last remaining carl pictures in my gallery, and also something super cool that ive been working on for over a year !! i might leave forever after that if i cant find any reason to be on here still. about three years ago i made a post saying i wrote some fanfic with a lot of pnf/mml characters but i have decided to not share it until after the two new seasons come out so i can rewrite some parts to make it go with whatever’s canon. so i guess ill start sharing chapters in several years from now i guess. hopefully i dont have to rewrite a ton of stuff, but even if i do have to, ill also share my original draft. anyways in case i really do leave after making my posts, my ig is @/childishsickboi and i might post pnf things there once in a while, along with other unrelated stuff tho. ok thats all :3

[namiikawaii]

Luffy x Nami: A thread Part 1

Disclaimer: This is very long so be prepared to take some time & also if you haven't watched/read One Piece at all then don't read this if you don't want to read spoilers. Firstly I'd like to adress all the people who dont believe in a love romance in One Piece aswell as those who are against this ship or do ship Luffy and Nami with different characters: Please read the thread thoughoutly and don't jump to conclusions before you read everything. I will try to mention all of the issues that are underlying in regards to general things like love romance in One Piece and I want to consider counter arguments and create hypotheses in sight of other pairings like Luffy x Boa and Sanji x Nami (which I think are the other main ships when it comes to Luffy and Nami).   So it is important to be a little patient through all of this thread.

Let's start off with the question about love romance in One Piece... ''D: Doesn't anyone on Luffy's crew fall in love? Will there never be a tale of on-board romance? (Sanji is an exception in this case) I'm just wondering. -From Naoko- O: But they do... They're all in love...WITH ADVENTURE. (← good one)'' This is exactly the part of the SBS where Oda answered the question about romantic love in the Strawhat Crew. Firstly, this is obviously meant as a silly statement. It is definetly no confirmation but to see this as a serious statement is overexagerrating. Secondly, Oda wanted to answer this question by dodging it without nullifying it. What does that mean? He could have just simply said, there is no romance in One Piece and there never will be (this wouldn't be the first time that he would have answered a question in a direct and serious way). But no, he wanted to make sure that the audience understands that there is a difference between romantic love and romance (in an adventure) and that the Strawhats are on a journey of a romantic adventure which has nothing to do with loving each other in a romantic way. There are two reasons for that: -One Piece is a pure shonen/action Manga and it's target audience are teenage boys (at least this was the case when he made that statement, i don't know how that might have changed by now maybe) -For the other reason just imagine One Piece if there was active love romance going on...we wouldn't be near the story that we are now. Let's just say it would add so much more complications, to put it very simple (I don't want to go into that deep now). But now here comes the clue: All of this doesn't mean that Oda completely lefts love romance out. Because despite of all the points that I just mentioned there are pairings and there is also subtle (no explicite) love romance. Lets just look at the pairings, these are all pairings that I think the majorty of people wouldn't question: -Kaya and Usopp -Sabo and Koala -Shanks and Makino -Shakky and Rayleigh -Roger and Rouge -Oden and Toki

And yes none of these cases showed the love story between those people (maybe Kaya and Usopp if you really want) but THAT IS THE POINT! Only because Oda doesn't let the characters speak out ''i love you'' or makes them kiss all of the time doesn't mean there isn't any kind of romantic love connection between characters in One Piece (the kiss on WCI was an exeption though). This also doesn't mean that there is no possibilty of romance between the Strawhats. I get it that people see them as a familiy, and they truly are one. If there was romance between two of them during the story of One Piece the dynamic wouldn't be the same anymore, especially if there was a canon relationship between Luffy as the captain/ main protagonist and another crewmember. I mean we don't want to see Luffy prefering one nakama over the other. If he calls for his friends, he calls for everyone and not firstly for the person he's in love with. They are all equally as important as the others. But you have to remeber that they aren't blood-related and it wouldn't be weird at all if some of them are ending up together after the adventure of the One Piece. That's the reason why the hints that are given by Oda are really hints, not just merely coincidence.

And i wouldn't be here if Oda didn't hint Luffy and Nami in the past and he will hint them in the future or even more. Let's beginn chronologically with the bond-forming between Luffy and Nami and why their relationship is special EAST BLUE SAGA -Nami was intended as a crew-member from the very beginning, even before One Piece was existing. That's the reason why Luffy and Nami saw each other in the first episode of One Piece. It was to pay hommage to Silk/Ann the heroines of the Romance Dawn Manga. (Just read into it if you want to know more) But what's important is that they were the inspiration for Nami as a character/ as the heroine.

-Orange Town: Luffy and Nami meet for the first time in the Manga Nami reveals her goal to Luffy - which is ''to buy a certain village'' (keep this in mind) Luffy tells Nami why the strawhat is so dear to him - he won't be telling anyone afterwards these details again -Nami tricks Luffy. Buggy captures him but when Nami is forced to fire a canon ball at Luffy she refuses, starts a fight against all the Buggy-Pirates and finally at the risk of her own life she burns her hands facing the pirates with her back in order to prevent the canonball to blow up Luffy (she does quite much for this pirate guy she just met) - you see that at this point Luffy did touch something in Nami's heart because when they have to escape she literally instantly fires the canonball at Buggy without hesitation. -Nami sewing Luffy's damaged hat. Since then it's always her who takes care of it if it takes any damage/ if there is something to sew in it like Ace's Vivre Card. Now I want to put in here my first hypothetical compairison for the LuBoa and SaNa shippers. Just imaging now this same situation happening between Luffy and Boa. Luffys hat is ripped apart - maybe she knows that Luffys hat is his treasure maybe not but lets imagine she does know. She will of course sew it, would probably blush and say something romantic about her doing this for him. And as a shipper this would be the most romantic thing for you wouldn't it? In reality it is Nami who precisely watches Luffy and understands the importance of his hat to him, she goes up to him and fixes his strawhat, with the only difference that it is just more natural and less lovey-dovey from Nami's part (because of course she would never act like that if she was in love with someone). I am already asking you now, which lovestory sounds more believable? -Syrupp Village: There are a few cute moments (Nami catches Luffy and cheers on him and so on...) but i wanted to especially point out that these two are are sitting/lying on the ground after the fight and Nami playes with the Strawhat, Luffy is of course unbothered. But this already shows how comfortable these two are at this point, they know each other only for a few days now. And also this image of them two talking and sitting together is a theme that continues throughout One Piece. -Namis leaves with the Going Merry, looking devestated that she has to leave ''Luffy and the others'', and Luffys reaction after Zoro says to just leave her: ''I want her to by our navigator no matter what'' (These words are enough, no comment needed and also look at Zoro's face as Luffy is stating these words) -Kokoyashi Village: Luffy already trusts and knows Nami so well that he is enraged to hear that she allegedly killed Usopp - the others are sure that she did it but Luffy insists, and even when Nami confirmes to him that she indeed sent Usopp to the ocean's ground Luffy refuses to accept it and immediatly goes to sleep. (I'm sure it's because he knew that something was wrong but he knew he had to wait for Nami to come up to him)

-The famous moment hits different (for shippers and non-shippers): Luffy giving Nami his precious strawhat! He wants to show her how much she is dear to him, his gives her his treasure because now she's his treasure too (and you can see this in a romantic way or in a platonic way but just remember that Luffy never did this ever to anybody in the past or in the future) Now i want to mention something that i said earlier: people often say that Luffy didn't care about Namis story but let me tell you something different. Luffy already knew what Nami's obejectif was (to buy a certain village) now Luffy also knows that there is a pirate called Arlong and when Nami is stabbing herself she shouts his name in devastion. Luffy is not dumb, he understood already some parts of Nami's history - later when he is in Nami's room he understands the impact even more. It is so far from truth that Luffy doesn't know Namis story, he may not know some details, but he could conntect enough points to understand Nami's pain. And my personal theory is that he didn't wanted to hear Nojikto telling Nami's story because maybe Nami wouldn't have wanted him to hear it and it could certainly be that he knew that maybe he couldn't hold himself back and intervene before Nami asked him to do so and finally rely on him! -Genzo and Luffy's conversation: just read/watch it - it is a father to boyfriend conversation (i thought so even before i shipped LuNa) So far these are the most important moments for the East Blue Saga, and of course there are other things you could mention but i just wanted to point out the key moments that really built their relationship and created the whole fundament. Since I don't know when I can continue writing on this, I am just going to show some colourspreads which contain hints in my opinion. (Like Nami being represented as a queen, or Nami holding and wearing Luffy’s hat)

[the-righteous-heathen]

Everytime I try to stop believing..my brain literally can’t not believe. All the hell and back videos I watched as a child, the rapture signs, I don’t want to exist anymore and I’m scared for myself...any advice?

This will be hard to answer but I will try. I’m glad you reached out to someone because these are totally normal thoughts to have when going through a faith transition and they can make you feel so alone, and no one should have to feel that way. I will start by telling you how to recognize what’s going on, and then I’ll give you some ideas on how to logic your way through these thoughts.

First, recognize that this may be a trauma response. This fear is a real sign of religious trauma recognized by real therapists. Fear of hell and questioning your nonbelief is typically instilled into a member of a religious organization—particularly cults—with a specific intent. Think about all of the things your church has told you over the years about God and hell. Maybe there was an ulterior motive to get you to stay. Maybe they knew how it would make you feel. If you can recognize where these thoughts came from, maybe you can start deconstructing them.

Deconstructing your thoughts:

Consider doing research. There are ways to make these thoughts feel less real and scary, and one of them is reading arguments against them. There are good books about the philosophical arguments against god, and there might also be information about your cult that they may have been hiding. If you’re Mormon, I recommend reading the CESletter, watching older Jimmy Snow videos on YouTube (he’s got some good arguments against god as well as exmormon information), and watching exmo lex on YouTube. You could also read The God Argument or other books by atheists, those really helped me when considering whether I believed in god.

As far as actual logic, there are a few things that helped me decide whether I believed in god.

First, think about why religion exists. Before science, people needed ways to explain things like lightning storms and lethal diseases. It made perfect sense that they’d need to assign these phenomena to a deity’s actions. They couldn’t understand it otherwise because there were no scientific communities or grand theories about the universe. It was then passed down, sticking around even into the age of the scientific method, though we technically don’t need these beliefs anymore. If you understand where things come from, it’s easier to dismiss your fears. Maybe the idea of god is simply a coping method for things we don’t understand, whether he’s real or not. Maybe we created him because that’s how us humans are.

Second, decide whether the god you subscribed to even deserves your worship. If you picture the perfect, most loving deity, is he like the Christian god? Does a loving god send people to hell? Does a loving god tell them that they are bad just for who they love or because they had sex before marriage even though marriage is a human concept bound by the imaginary lines of what’s essentially just a legal contract? Maybe there is god, but I don’t think the real god would actually send the people he loves to scream in the fires of hell. And if he does, maybe believing in a terrible being like him isn’t worth it after all.

Third, watch melodysheeps “timelapse into the future” video on YouTube. It’s long for a YouTube video, but in the grand scheme of things 30 minutes isn’t that much time. It talks about what will actually happen in the future according to science as we know it, and im telling you, we DONT MATTER. How is a universe with so much matter, and so little of its lifespan able to support life going to have a god that only cares about us humans? If there is a god, I think he’d be more worried about making supernovas and Hawking radiation happen than sending you to hell. Science is the one thing that makes me absolutely certain there isn’t a god. There’s an explanation for almost EVERYTHING but there’s no explanation for god. Especially the Christian god.

These fears will go away with time. You are valid and your struggles are real. Don’t rush yourself, and focus on healing above everything. If your mind says something is too much, it’s too much, and you’re allowed to take a break. Lastly, I recommend therapy. Not every therapist will know all about religious trauma but they may have coping skills for you. You will know what’s right. Good luck with your faith journey and keep trying.

[zalrb]

Can you link me some of your favorite anti-Delena / pro-Stelena posts that you’ve done? I’ve read your master list so many times lol but I really want to know if you have any favorites that you often think back to and you’re like “damn. I was really going off that day.”

honestly they're all my favourites in different ways but to play along with this ask, i'll talk about the few that come to my mind first:

this one because i was TIRED of the DE theory that elena chose stefan because she was scared and the kiss made her change her mind because it was a stupid theory

https://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/155965695700/in-3x22-elena-talks-to-matt-about-stefan-and

this one because i'd HAD it with this argument

https://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/144416987705/what-would-u-say-to-de-fans-who-say-that-elena

this one because this was like the one millionth time someone came up with this argument and again, i'd had it:

https://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/186239567565/stefan-fell-for-elena-because-she-was-everything

this one because i thought i really articulated the difference between sc and se

http://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/156761337415/so-scrs-have-a-post-comparing-3x07-with-8x10-and

this one because i thought i broke down what was wrong with sc well

https://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/620868430378172416/i-know-you-dont-like-sc-anymore-but-discrediting

and then this one when someone said that the holes in the sc relationship are inconsistent and i was like, ok but are they?

https://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/645295866258784256/steroline-anon-long-rant-first-stelena-are

this one because i explained the problems with both sc and de well and again i'd just had it

http://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/160487885690/is-messy-and-develops-over-time-and-rooted-in

this one because of the context around the ask, initiumseries and i were being accused of being anti-black because we didn't ship a few bw/wm ships and one of them was bonenzo and this anon kept coming back about bonenzo and how bonnie did for enzo what elena did for stefan and i kept saying it was different because the writing for stelena was there and then i got this ask about ok so what exactly does stefan like about elena and i was like don't worry, i have receipts

https://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/181840625050/can-you-explain-what-was-it-about-elena-that

and then this one because it was a follow-up

https://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/613718719334580224/what-things-do-you-think-elena-loves-about-stefan

this one because i was like, LMAO THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK

https://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/186643949021/whatever-you-think-de-did-more-couple-things-than

same with this

https://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/183294650300/stefan-loved-the-good-one-and-not-the-monster

these ones because i was like, honestly, i find that a lot of se shippers underestimate what se was

https://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/622478215537131520/its-honestly-sad-that-stelena-never-even-got

https://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/616044573397057536/this-is-what-a-der-said-about-elena-saying-stefan

https://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/164460388145/have-you-noticed-that-when-elena-is-going-through

in the same vein, this one because i was like people don’t understand elena’s point 

https://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/616045554276941824/ders-are-so-fucking-dumb-do-they-lack-critical

this one because it broke down the sire bond

https://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/156287220175/i-really-liked-your-toxic-relationship-post-but

this one -- and basically all of my "SE aren't unhealthy" posts because every time I was like try again.

https://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/162678807080/stelena-wasnt-healthy-their-problems-are-worse

https://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/616437013238939648/stefan-manipulated-elena-into-opening-up-about-her

https://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/190417664885/stefan-followed-elena-to-the-graveyard-went-to

https://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/155817763005/oh-and-damon-is-always-saying-how-he-doesnt

https://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/628937210528415744/you-say-stefan-nevwr-outright-told-elena

https://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/172526589260/damon-called-elena-out-on-her-suicidal-tendencies

https://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/623920001404059648/how-would-you-respond-if-someone-said-stefan

https://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/616676648195129344/stefan-made-elena-drink-animal-blood-when-she

same with this one

https://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/156759616750/lmao-stefan-challenges-her-you-say-ders-have-no

this one because i was tired of people bringing up stefan choosing to save matt as a flaw

https://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/648426560999800832/hey-i-like-your-tvd-posts-they-are-legit

[nightswithkookmin]

Does Run ep 119 fall into the period of Jikook's romantic separation/distancing you talked about? By hairstyles I think this is the time you marked as being 'not a couple'? Did I get the timelines right? Please dont get mad, but they seemed especially cozy+close this ep, and not just skinship (I know this is a subjective judgement and dif points of view are allowed). Just curious if you still hold to your theory? We see only tiny snapshots of time. Do you ever retrospectively change your mind?

Me right now. lol

Running away before I give in to the temptation to rumble on for pages. Lol.

Ahhh shit! Too late. lol.

First of all, it's not so much that questions like these irk me...

It's just I've never had to worry about being 'right' or 'wrong' in forming an opinion about anything or on any topic in my life.

I think the night is more beautiful than the day. I think both Trump and Biden are trash- but better Biden than Trump. I think formal education is a damn waste of time and money. I think a lot of things. But I've never had to worry about that I could be right or wrong about them.

I never assume, when I read people's opinions too, that they are right or wrong. I either tend to agree with it or disagree with it or get informed by it if I had zero opinion prior. I find it bizarre when people want to be right and stuff- especially in a community that is nothing but a swirling vortex of thoughts and opinions. Lmho.

You either defend your stand and give evidence to support it but even then we are just all making assumptions.

Also questions like these tend to put me in a position where I feel like if I should respond then I am not only 'defending' my opinions but challenging other's opinions with my opinions and treating my opinions as if they were the facts. But they are not. It's just one opinion against another.

Know what I mean?

I used to be comfortable doing that because I thought it was all friendly debates and discourse until someone drew my attention to it and pointed out to me that when I do that I come across as 'all knowy,' 'presenting my opinions as facts' and 'challenging other's opinions with my opinion'- which y'all are well aware is the case that has launched a thousand hate comments, privacy invasion, doxing, lies and operation boycott Goldy on ship street.

I don't think it's worth it.

Then there is the substantive issue: how these questions are framed. How should I put this...

I never said anywhere that Jikook were broken up during the On era because they were not acting 'cozy'. Who's theory is that? Who said that? I've never peddled the 'Jikook is real because of skinship or their interactions' theory. If anything, I try to distinguish between Jikook's couple moments and their skinship or mere interactions because neither of those two make Jikook real... to me.

If Jikook showing skinship and merely interacting with eachother to you is a determining factor as to whether they are real- it's not, to me. I've made this much clear over the course of my blogs. If it's your metric then it differs from mine and I can't 'challenge' it. Lol.

I have said, Jikook can interact zero in a content and I still could be able to tell if they are a couple.

Similarly, two people can grind on eachother and stick their tongues down eachother's throats and I still will be able to tell they are not a couple within the same group if they are not.

Am I wrong sometimes? Absolutely. Hell, I said JK was going to post for Jimin's birthday. He didn't. I got that wrong.

I do retrospectively change my mind on a lot of things. If say, in the future, Jimin announced he has a kid and is married to a het woman I would backpedal on my theory that Jikook is real. I don't think it's that deep.

If at any one point, I have reason to believe Jikook aren't together any more as a couple within BTS, or that one of them is straight, I would change my opinion about them being in a gay relationship with eachother.

Similarly, if I have reason to believe Jikook have broken up or distanced themselves from eachother at one point, I would say so and not run around the internet yelling Jikook gay, Jikook married.

There are moments, when I thought Jikook were together but they weren't and so I had to change my mind in retrospect too.

It seems to me, that to y'all, as long as I'm saying Jikook are together then I'm right and it's Amen preach but if I say I think they are or were not together at a point in their relationship then suddenly it's, she is a Trump supporter spreading lies about Jikook and dancing in the rain with convicted serial killers while trying to pass off her published work as Jikook fanfiction. It's all very interesting how some people's minds work...

For the record, I said Jikook were broken up within that period because they were not claiming eachother, reassuring eachother, exercising rights of claim and authority, speaking eachothers love language and all the other metrics I have time and again pointed out several times across my posts that they are the qualities that to me make Jikook a couple.

So do you see why I feel some kind of way when people come at me with the, 'they stared at eachother' 'they smiled at eachther' they touched eachother' argument? Y'all must have me confused a certain shipper on the block. Lol.

You tell me they look cozy and intimate, but then I go and check and they are still not claiming eachother or exhibiting any of the qualities that makes them a couple. Lol.

If I say Jikook is in a relationship, it's usually because I have reasons to believe they are in a relationship. If I say Jikook are not together, it's also because I have reasons to believe they are not together. It's really not hard maths.

I forego a lot of sleep to ensure I share my thought process on a lot of my theories and opinions. I have shared across several posts why I believe Jikook is real. I have shared a few of the metrics I use to decide on that opinion and I have shared my thought process on why I believe in certain moments they aren't together.

It's exhausting when I have to repeat that process each time because then it's not about you asking for my opinion on the topic anymore because I've already stated that, it's about you asking me to change my opinion on a topic based on your assessment and your metric and it just doesn't work that way.

Your assertion that Run 119 was filmed in the same era as On is valid I guess... but I have to disagree. I can't tell you exactly when that episode was filmed but if I had to share my two cents on it, I'd have to place it towards the middle of April this year or somewhere around that period. In my opinion.

I say that because Jimin debuted his jet black hair around 14th April when he appeared in a Vlive with RM. Again I do not know exactly when he got his hair changed but as of March 26th, he had blondish hair.

In his March 30th Vlive- the one where JK interrupted Jin's call, he had a cap on so chilee I'm not gonna argue on whether he had dyed his hair at that point or not.

Then there is Suga, who has blonde hair in this Run 119 episode. He had blonde hair from his birthday in early March and tweeted a bunch of photos of himself in blonde hair from March through to April 28th.

Yet in the JinMinGi Vlive on April 27th when Jimin still had jet black hair, Suga seemed to have a jet black hair too. Which means he could have had blonde hair around the time Jimin went black in early April and dyed it black in late April- but that's theory and that's just my assumption. We can know for sure if and when knew content is released which was filmed around that period.

Thus, I doubt if it was filmed during On era like episode 116 and 117- where you could see clearly, Jikook were having issues.

Just because a peice of content is released in succession don't mean they were filmed around the same period...

So yes I agree with you, we only see snapshots of their time and most importantly we see them in DISORDER. BigHit doesn't release content in chronological order as per when they film them- something I keep reiterating throughout my blogs.

And just as a tip for when you want to reconstruct the timeline for accuracy based on their hairstyles, I think you should look to their Live contents and not their prerecorded content. Their VLives and Youtube lives- actual lives not the prerecorded ones passed off as live streams lol, or even their live reactions to when they win awards or do interviews etc.

I think those are a somewhat accurate reflection of the timeline and helps fit contents in their right time period. But even that- it's still 60/40. But that's me. Feel free to use your own metric to access the timeline.

And the part about them seeming cozy within- On Era, I assume? Because that's when I speculated they had a break up?

I wasn't going to address it because it requires me to provide a comprehensive reconstruction of the timeline but I can't do that until a few more years from now when BigHit has released all or most of the content they have on that period.

I'm just gonna have to repeat myself, for the n>th time though and be intentionally vague about it lol - I had decided not to talk about that period again but I have to just because you make it sound like I would go full on frying pan wielding JK on your ass, step for step, for pointing out that Jikook seemed cozy and intimate within that speculated breakup period. Chilee, I'm not a villain. Lol.

I will not whoop your ass for saying that- but you'd have to answer a seven page query if you are an avid reader of my blogs, so clear your schedule. It's gonna be a long day. Lol.

Query: How do you expect Jikook to look like and behave if and when they are not together together?

I keep saying, at the bare minimum, Jikook are friends not enemies. You don't expect them to act like they never knew eachother during such times. But it takes a while for them to settle into that space when they both feel comfortable with being friends and during such period is when you notice them putting up emotional boundaries and distance between them.

Maybe its just because I saw Jikook as friends and got used to them as friends before lovers and so spotting when they are acting as friends comes easy to me? I don't know.

I think it's similar to how people who are used to seeing Jikook as friends can't seem to see past their friendship to seeing them as a couple.

Then there are those who've only known Jikook to be a couple or saw them as a couple first upon entering the fandom and so can't seem to see them as friends or even think of them as friends. It can be a trip for such people. Which one are you?

If you see Jikook as lovers all the time, really I don't. And I don't need the tensions and the silences to sense something is off. JK unable to check RM or anyone within the group when they are crossing boundaries with Jimin is enough tell.

Same way I don't need to the skinship and 'cosy' to tell if they are together. Jk putting up emotional distance with certain members within the group- all but Jimin, is enough evidence for me.

We don't have to all see Jikook through the same lens to enjoy them. And we don't have to agree on everything too.

We are different people, with different backgrounds and experiences. We can't think the same or perceive on things the same.

I keep saying, to me, there is a quality to Jikook that makes them more than friends. If I see those qualities in them, I believe they are a couple. If not, they are not. Those are the qualities I see only between Jikook and what set them apart from the other ships in BTS.

I see their friendship and I also see their other stuff.

And I notice, during certain periods that they lose that quality that makes them couples- for them to be a couple they need to be speaking eachothers love language, exercising certain rights and privileges over each other, claiming eachother, reassuring eachother yadda yadda yadda and a whole others that don't include them merely talking to eachother or engaging in skinship.

When I talk about Jikook On Era break up period, I'm talking about the period from the 21st to 28th February this year- or the period right before it.

Thats the period I noticed a drastic change in Jikook's interactions and even their personalities. It gave me the feeling that jikook had been through something heavy prior to that date. That period seemed more like the aftermath of a break up rather than the beginning of it as there seemed to be a drastic flip in their dynamics compared to any era before that. Especially late December or around the period when they filmed Carpool Karaoke.

They weren't doing any of the things I've mentioned above that to me make them a couple- they were just interacting and pretty much being civil- except for JK. He seemed more angry, less tolerant and very assertive against Jimin and the group.

He was being super self assertive and was asserting himself even against Jimin- something he has been doing a lot this year which I keep talking about.

Jimin didn't seem different to me at all to me in that period until April.

Why do I feel you are forcing me to talk about something I don't want to talk about? Lol.

I mark that period as significant not only because of the changes that took place in Jikook's dynamics but because it marks the genesis of the JK we are experiencing today.

Their interactions within that period were reflective of a consistent pattern of behavior they've exhibited around periods when they are not together- JK putting up boundaries, not claiming JM, JM trying to reconnect etc.

For instance, at Music Bank on the 28th of February, Jimin did that thing with Jin when he noticed JK interacting with Tae but JK didn't mind him or claim.

Contrast that with their moment on the 1st March, at Inkigayo, where JK literally teleported his ass to stand behind JM when he noticed JM had started his shenanigans on the stage.

Jikook started claiming eachother and acting as a couple again from then- they started reassuring eachother and doing all these things that to me mark them as a couple. Again, this is only an assumption, I don't have the comprehensive breakdown of the period- yet because there are new contents being released on a daily.

On 6th March, during Music Bank when Hobi hugged Jimin during their interview JK reacted strongly to that too in my opinion.

On 30th March, JK interrupted Jin's call to flirt and ask JM on a date- you could see them acting as a couple from that moment at Inkigayo on 1st March throughout to 30th March and their interactions were consistent.

Their interactions in the period before that was pretty much inconsistent and filled with a lot of Jump cuts- which I'm hoping future contents will help fill the gaps for me so I can build a comprehensive breakdown of that era- at least for my self. Iol.

It's just the way Jikook usually behave after these period. They go through a reconnection phase, where they constantly try reassure eachother and then eventually end up in a honey moon phase of a sort where you'd see them flirting up and down the hills, acting super touchy, hitting the red marks- making us and the others feel weird and super uncomfortable watching them.

It's also important to note that around the period of them reconnecting, JK had started distancing himself from Tae. He puts up emotional boundaries with the others and closes himself off to them when he opens himself up to Jimin.

I mean if I'm 'wrong,' and I'm not saying I'm right, I'm just saying if I'm wrong because of your two seconds clip of them acting 'cozy,' then I gotta ask what happened to JK in this period? Why was he putting up boundaries between him and Jimin in that period, and what set him on this self assertive path he's been on throughout this year- think about that while I hold on to my he went through a nasty breakup and had an emotional trauma that pushed him on a path to reevaluate and set his priorities straight theory. Lol

I think some of the content they have released so far within that period were filmed either closer to or far from when that break up happened- Run 116 and 117 would be the closest to that period so far- I just don't know if it was before 21st February or after it.

Run 100 and 101 would also have been filmed relatively closer to that period or immediately after it because Jimin was behaving in those Runs the same way he was behaving during the On Comeback Special VLive which was released on 21st of February- I feel the breakup would happened before this date.

In both those Runs and the On comeback special, Jimin seemed beat, humbled and subdued. He was trying to establish eye contact with JK during the comeback VLive, egging him on to talk about his looks, and putting boundaries between him and the other members. He seemed to be on his best behavior.

For instance, in the Comback he seemed like he was walking on eggshells around Kookie and didn't want to create the impression he was going out of his way to flirt with the others or portray himself as available and so when Suga touched his waist or back, he asked him to stop.

Similary, in Runs 100/101 behind scenes or something, when they were eating and he noticed Tae had food residue on his lips, he tried to help him clean it but panicked and stopped the moment he sensedJK lifting his head up- it seemed he didn't want to piss JK off in those two instances. JK for the most part just seemed serious and less tolerant of JM's bs within that period.

Juxtapose JM's behavior in these two instances with the events at Music Bank and Inkigayo where he was hugging Jin and acting extra around Kook- which to me seemed like he was looking for reassurance by trying to get JK to claim him but of course JK didn't do that.

Jimin likes being reassured by JK when he is feeling 'insecure.' And often, JK reassures him when he notices JM going through that. Jimin does the same for JK.

They are intune with eachother's emotional needs and they consciously go out of their way to meet them.

Take the recent MAMA speech moment when JM was giving a speech and he seemed like he need support- emotional support and back up. Jk turn fully and instantly towards him to let him know he was there for him. We've seen Jikook do this a countless times. I value these moments over them showing skinship or screaming eachother's names.

In the recent BE press conference red carpet moment when JM tried it with RM- did you notice JK's reaction? They both seemed like they were trying to piss eachother other off or make each eachother jealous during that red carpet moment.

JM with RM and JK with Jin. JK grabbed Jin's neck when he noticed JM intentionally acting all up close and friendly with his buddy buddy RM and the frown on his face. He didn't seem too amused with JM doing that...

- it's weird, I know, but it's also their way of reassuring eachother and expressing interest in eachother. Don't judge. It's Jikook- just look away, keep it pushing. Nothing to see here. Lol.

Had it not been for the live events around that On period, I probably wouldn't have noticed these things because the content from BigHit around the period were only showing glimpses of their interactions which again seemed like the aftermath of their breakup and not the start of it.

I think their ability to get to that space where they are each comfortable with relating freely and 'cozy' around eachother as friends depends on how soon they interact on cameras after they've gone through such periods.

If they film immediately soon after, or during, often the tension between them is much more evident like in run 116 and 117.

If they film much later from it, then you wouldn't even notice a damn thing at all. In my opinion. Especially, if you don't know the difference between Jikook as friends and Jikook as lovers.

You can never tell though if you focus solely on Jimin's behavior during such periods- because Jimin is just that guy. He doesn't bring the drama to work. He will smile sunshine through the pain and act like nothing happened. For JK it's different, in my opinion.

Jimin has a very high emotional intelligence quotient and seems to process emotions better and faster. JK is not like that. It is why I feel, he tends to put up physical and emotional barriers with Jimin and with the others sometimes when he is going through it.

They all process emotions at different paces. In my opinion.

I'm starting to wonder if y'all think Jikook is one sided at this point. Lol. Jikook is not one sided. Jimin is not the only one in their relationship. You can't focus on him alone to decide if your ship is sailing or in a good place- because guess what? Jimin can put up a show of it.

It's just as how Tuktukkers tend to focus on Tae rather than JK in determining whether they still have a ship or not. If they paid attention to JK for one minute, they would know their ship got lost at sea at debut.

I keep saying JM's 'the boy in love with Jungkook' persona is a facade. He loves JK through this facade but you have to look past it. I mean this is the guy who told Jin JK doesn't act a certain way around him, but backpedaled and said he was just 'saying it for content' when Jin called him out on it. Same guy Jk says, he intentionally acts cutes when he notices the cameras on him.

You gotta wonder what else he does just for content and for the cameras. Isn't this why people claim Jikook is fanservice?

You have to pay attention to JK too you know? They have different personalities, different ways of handling issues, different ways of loving and different ways of solving problems.

Jimin over expresses himself and tries to establish contact when he is at the recieving end of a freeze out. He did the same thing on stage with JK during Manila when he tried to have a conversation with Kook- to squash whatever issues they had been having but JK needed his space physically and emotionally.

Jimin was sat next to Suga chatting with him, asking him questions, laughing with him but the moment Suga touched him he snapped. He did the same thing in Dynamite MV reaction VLive when JK teased him with Suga. He snapped almost instantly and didn't seem happy with it- he doesn't want to be shipped with Suga and yet he is the one constantly going 'I miss Suga hyung' 'Suga and I are the parents and JK is the son"

In run 116, you could see him trying to interact with Kook even when Kook was clearly putting up boundaries with him. Had Kook not been closed off to him in that moment, we probably would never have noticed anything was off with them honestly.

And that hug JM gave Kook in the end, did you see him looking sideways as if he was doing something wrong? Compare that moment with the Siriux FM interview where he had his hands around Kook. He didn't seem- what's the word, scared.

And by the way, that moment was also filmed on the 21st of February in the US, the same day of their Rockefeller interview and the same day the On Comeback Special VLive was released- so do the maths? Was that the start of a break up or the aftermath of it?

Jimin was leaning forward in that period true, but was JK receiving and reciprocating his actions and matching them throughout that period? No. Or may be its debatable- you tell me. Lol.

Jikook behave in a certain way and give off a certain vibe when they are good and sailing- but not all such moments is because they are a couple. In my opinion.

When they get to that good space where they can be comfortable around each other, they sail as friends too.

It's just like, when they are not good and they give off bad vibes. But not all the bad vibes they give off is because they are not good. Know what I mean?

It's all up to how you perceive them and how much you understand of their dynamics I guess.

It is my understanding that, JK opens up to certain other members within the group while simultaneously putting up boundaries with Jimin when he is having serious problems with Jimin. From my observation of their interactions.

So I ask, within the period of 21st February to 28th, was he leaning towards this certain member he was suddenly BFFs with around the time of their break up or was he leaning away from him? He literally teleported away from him to be next to Jimin when they were getting back together and Tae didn't seem amused by that either.

It's Jikook, I get it. I think you need to pay attention to the way they interact with the other members within the group too? Because that's equally telling. Sigh.

It is my understanding that, Jimin is quick to anger yet quick to forgive and he sometimes glosses over things, puts a lot of energy and efforts into embellishing his relationship with Kook and presenting them as the perfect duo and the perfect relationship- which is something that I think psychologically induces the Kumbaya in a lot of Jikook shippers and influences them into thinking their relationship is perfect and kumbaya. But that's another topic for another day.

JK makes Jikook more real. To me.

I hear often, people talk about how Jimin is less touchy than JK and has personal boundaries within the group and how over the years, he has toned down on his touchiness with the other members because JK puts up a lot of boundaries for him around the members with the frying pans and what not, and would fume whenever Jimin or anyone crosses those boundaries...

But have y'all ever wondered the kind of boundaries Jimin put up for JK within the group and expects JK to uphold within the group when they are together? Hint: It's not JK's touchiness or lack of boundaries. Y'all be connecting the wrong dots. Lol.

Jk puts up physical boundaries for Jimin because that is important to him. Jimin put up emotional boundaries for JK because that is important to him. They overlap sometimes but those times are insignificant to me.

Jk's certain bonds suffer because of Jimin. And he stops respecting those boundaries when he and Jimin are no longer together and the moment they are back together, he puts those boundaries up again with those bonds- this is Morse code, if you catch on message me with it. Wink.

JM throwing his arms around Kook during a serious interview is not him claiming JK or reassuring him. JK yelling Jimin to the power Z is not him exercising right of authority over Jimin- lovers do that. Know who else does that? FRIENDS. Lol.

It's nothing Hobi doesn't do with JM or the other ships don't do.

Listen, I saw all the good bits and things that you saw in that period too and still I formed my opinion on that era the way that I did and have. And the new content from that era, Run 116 and 117 all follow the same pattern of behavior I noticed around that period and have talked about. So no, my view on that era hasn't changed.

Unless, your objective is to have me change my mind based on the 'wrong' timeline dots you've connected, then we would just have to agree to disagree. Lol.

If you believe Jikook were together during that period, I agree to disagree on it. Feel free to disagree with my opinion too.

Always ship Jikook in the way that makes sense to you. And support them while you are at it. Jikook is real. Bless you.

Signed,

GOLDY

[holywankenobi]

SW fandom rant

To be honest, I don't really know how or where can I start talking about this. If you aren't interested in any of the Star Wars drama that is going on then skip this post, cause its gonna be long... these goes for the SW fans we are concerned about the whole situation itself. I barely have the strength to do this and exposing my opinion about certain things makes me uncomfortable but it's been a long while since I'm keeping things to myself. There's much information I have to process so please be patient with me since I barely know how to express my emotions in the right way (that's why I'm holding myself back a lot here: it will seem I'm calm... but I'm not. I'm angry and tired at the same time).

DISNEY CANON

We all know where it all started. The Force Awakens premiere in 2015. We will start from there.

As ANY star wars movie, there will be people who liked it, people who loved it and people who hated it. And there is where some fans clash with the others. Fans who enjoy practically every movie or SW related things and those fans who demonize every movie (specially the ones from the new Disney canon) and the only thing that matters for them are the episodes IV, V, VI and the Legends canon (some of them also defend the prequel episodes I, II and III, fact which I'll talk about it later). And they bash against everyone who likes the Disney sequels.

BOI IM SCARED OF TELLING PEOPLE THIS WAS MY FAVOURITE SAGA SO FAR. And I already had problems with Legends hardcore fans.

Let me tell this straightaway... Star Wars are movies for kids. They've always been. George Lucas said it. They seem to be thirsty for feeling again what they felt when they were kids whenever a SW movie comes out but they always exit the cinema with a feeling of extreme disappointment.

I was talking about the last movie with my co workers at the beginning of the year and they complaint it was "too Disney". And that's precisely what I'm trying to explain! It's ok whether you like the sequels or not like them. Everyone has his own taste. I just find funny complaining for a whole saga originally made for kids for being "too Disney". I dont know if you get my point here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEsOqEpNF0k&list=PL8SlwcJuVWR2FNtL-6Wo5QUP6LMjpNJUA

LEGENDS CANON

Then there's those who hated the prequels, that said there was nothing worse than the phantom menace, those who hated on George Lucas for doing such a crap, but now praise the prequels because Disney is satan for them and they want the old canon back. George Lucas ended up selling SW to Disney because, he ain't no fool, he knows this fanbase is one of the most toxic and ungrateful that has ever existed. And he saw it with the prequels feedback... Then they now have the guts to demand him to continue the old canon? Smells like hypocrite-crying fanboys to me.

My whole point is....It's ok if you are a new/Disney sequels fan, it's ok if you are a prequels fan, it's ok if you are a SW original movies fan, Legends canon fan, OG fan, casual fan, hardcore fan... as always you understand that not everyone will agree with your point of view, not everyone will like or think the same way as you do, or live SW the same way as you do. There's a difference between respecting and agreeing with, concepts which sometimes get mixed and taken as the same thing, which is not. Respect other fans mean "I don't agree with you but I know how much this means for you, so I won't intentionally mock you" WHICH THING LEADS US TO THE NEXT TOPIC:

JOHN BOYEGA

*takes a deep breath*

Man. I dont know. He's a full grown up man and he's behaving like a 5 yo on his social media...... John is the actor who gives life to Finn (the ex stormtrooper). It all started with this sexist comment he responded to a fan in his IG. 

Then people (naturally) got offended, specially reylos. But instead of apologizing he kept on going, remarked what he said and also did a video to mock the reylo community.

You think I'm only defending a ship here but no. Its bigger than that. He has the right to feel left out in this saga because I agree with him IN THAT FACT. He is probably the actor which is more into the SW world, he was always a big fan (of the whole cast I mean). Thats why fans love him do much. And I did love him too. And he (naturally) wanted to have more spotlight on this saga ( I think Finn was one of the most wasted characters of these movies tbh) But instead of taking it the mature way he's having a tantrum on his IG because Finnrey did not become a real thing, he's trolling reylos and encouraging SW haters and antis to bully them whose are already having a hard time with TROS end (which I'll talk about later because I dont like their attitude about it either).

And it's not just raise the hate on shippers thing dude you could just apologize because you said something sexist and offended a lot of people who ship reylo and really means a thing for them. The whole thing that the greatest achievement a man can have with a woman is sex is just DISGUSTING. Rey kissed Ben but now he's gone Finn has the road clear and can fuck her? BRUH.

This is all so wrong and he was the one who started it.

ADAM DRIVER

I'm really relieved Adam does not have any social media because omg I would be suffering so much rn...

I honestly have never emotionally connected with an actor so much as I did with him. His whole acting is so good and I could really notice on this last movie. I'm starting to watch his other movies. And not just his acting, he's so professional off camera too.

I'm really happy and proud of him for his Oscar nomination, he really deserves it TT

But I'm worried this whole John Boyega thing affects him. Idk how I would feel if I were in his shoes, if my coworker was saying those things on social media and then smile at me like nothing is happening. But honestly what hurts me the most is he's having a worse time with "reylos".. I think the rumors of him having an affair with Daisy Ridley was what messed things up. I honestly dont know if its true, I've got some info but it's hard to believe. Because there are so many haters manipulating fake info that I dont trust anything and anyone anymore.

And this is where I talk about:

REYLOS AND DAIVERS

BOI OH BOI

This is gonna be hard....

First of all, I don't consider Daivers (Daisy x Adam shippers) as part of the reylo community. I'm sorry. But its fucking disgusting you going to demand Adam to divorce from his wife, abandon his son and then start dating Daisy because of this rumor or because you can't separate fiction from reality.... I read he even recieved death threats ARE WE NUTS??? They (Adam and Daisy) having a good chemistry working together doesn't mean they are in love, kids...

Driver has an awesome wife and a lovely son. Daisy is currently dating someone.

Infidelity is gross. No more. And I would be so disappointed at them if this turns out to be true. But seeing all what's happening around the actors and specially having all this haters out there... I'll say this was all false information.

Daiver is not real and won't be. So stick only to the fictional ship.....

About Reylo itself. I find REALLY funny how people who dont know shit about what this ship means say it's an abusive relationship. Bullshit. I wouldn't be shipping them if so.

Also the people still stating it's not real/canon hiding themselves behind the "Ben solo is dead lol" argument. Do you stop loving someone when they die?

Yes, they love each other. No, it wasn't always reciprocated love. They started being enemies in the force awakens, friends who understood and cared for each other through force dyad in the last jedi and ended up being lovers at the end of the rise of Skywalker. Rey wants to revenge her family (her falling to the dark side) but also wants Ben Solo back, and he wants to be the most powerful leader on the galaxy and still being kylo ren. But they eventually meet in the middle between light and dark and Leia finally reaches out to him to make him turn to the light.That's their fight. That's the angst. That's the tea. "No one is ever really gone" there's always hope. Star Wars is centered in HOPE. And their story represents it at its finest.

NOW. The reylo community.

Despite you liked it or not the end they gave to the saga... I think JJ Abrams doesn't deserve all the hate he's receiving... he probably did a lot of things wrong but seriously... just stop. Not only from reylos but the whole fandom.

Sending hate won't lead to anything now...

I enjoyed The rise of Skywalker. Indeed I spent half of the movie crying and I loved it.

You can cry as much as you want the loss of Ben (although I have hope for him still being alive in a way, there are plenty of theories) but that doesn't give you the right to death threat JJ. And I think I'll stop here cause I'm already tired.

Everyone has their own taste, preferences, favourite characters, ships, whatever. I pray for people stop judging others for their tastes, specially in this cursed fanbase. Sorry if I ever misbehaved trying to defend what I think or like. I just want this place to be supportive and safe for everyone and everything what's happening is not helping... We are all SW fans and that's our connection point. Dont discredit others for having another point of view...

I'll leave it here, but I'm open to debate or talk about anything I said in a respectful way.

[bramblepaws]

meat part 4, where dirk starts talking about philosophy and I Start Yelling

both of you can go fuck urselves because I’VE read Kierkegaard, and it has done NOTHING to improve my life or thoughts about the self!!!

i should reread Kierkegaard.

also besides, defining what the self is.. is so!! subjective!! there are already so many people who have tried. is it simply a bundle of experiences? is it your flesh and blood? are we gonna delve into  the mind/body problem?? HUH HUSSIE? ARE WE GONNA DO PHILOSOPHY UP IN THIS BITCH?? THAT’S WHAT I MAJORED IN SO IM READY TO KICK YOUR ASS,

oh god now we’re going into free-will debates? im going to be trapped in this comic forever.

“i think therefore i am” actually is interesting but Descartes also said that our souls control our bodies like we’re driving a car so. also he was a big part of the reason i don’t even believe in souls anymore. god!!!!!! i should reread Descartes

dirk that’s not even like a philosophical theory, that’s just A Way Of Talking

oh now you’re gonna bring truth and validity into this? huh? socrates is a man or whatever garbage? HUH??? ho

okay finally circling back to the free will thing, which IS actually really interesting. i’m completely fascinated by the idea that there isn’t actually free will, because we don’t choose the DNA we are created with or the circumstances we are born into, and we make all decisions in life off of those, so therefore we will react to any outside stimuli in the same way every time. BUT the free will argument also reminds me why people hate philosophy, because it’s one of those questions that i always want to automatically respond with “shut up? don’t ask me that? bye?”

because we CAN’T live life if we don’t think that there’s free will! we have to act as though there is, otherwise we’ll fall into a state where we distance ourselves from our own actions and don’t take responsibility for anything we do.

so it’s extra concerning that Dirk keeps honing in on this, because... is he following the line of thought that there isn’t free will, and therefore distancing himself from his own actions and just doing what he “knows he will” or whatever? or is he, by trying to take control of the narrative, attempting to prove that he is the only one who has free will, and break out of it? but even doing that doesn’t subvert the idea that he would be taking that action due to Being Who He Is.

THAT IS, QUITE FRANKLY, UP FOR DEBATE!!! YOU CAN’T JUST DECIDE WHICH PHILOSOPHICAL LINE OF THOUGHT IS “RIGHT” LIKE THAT. some people don’t even believe that experiences matter. some people don’t even think that matter matters! some people don’t think that there’s anything BUT matter, and others think there’s matter and non-matter, and how the hell do those even interact? and some people!!! think that we aren’t even any of that!! that individuality is purely how we interact with the world around us, with no “mind” at all!! they’re wrong but like the theories of thought are out there and who are you to wave them away without a counter-argument that other people can dissect forever because philosophers always use stupid ambiguous language.

also i can’t believe you’re bringing in the bundled experiences thing that i mentioned earlier.

okay so if the self is, hypothetically speaking, a collection both of your base personality traits and your experiences, dirk is saying that the ultimate self is just the base personality plus Every Possible Experience you could have. which IS interesting to think about, but like, also bizarre? because if you explore every possible experience, how would that change you as a person? human brains don’t have the capacity for that sort of memory (hence rose unraveling i guess). but like... part of how our personalities are created is through cherry-picking the events that most strongly correlate to how we conceptualize ourselves. so our vision of ourselves ALSO influences the self. and we can’t have conflicting views of the self, because then there’s like... fracturing... you can’t visualize yourself as detail-oriented AND not detail-oriented. you can maybe sort them into different categories, like being detail-oriented when it comes to the physical space you occupy but being non detail-oriented when it comes to, say, reading a situation. but you can’t... apply both concepts to the exact same thing, because then it’s a paradox.

and our visions of the self are key in making future decisions. if our Selves are unlimited, Ultimate even, how would anyone be able to make decisions? it doesn’t even matter if they have free will or not! because in the scenario of not having free will, the traits and experiences informing each decision will be nearly infinite, which will mean that there won’t be one answer. you’d be literally paralyzed by possibility! because even if the base personality is the same across all universes, experiences DO shape you as a person. and there are some things that may be inevitable, but there’s so much that could go differently. Even just something like... a rock randomly falling and crushing one of your arms. it’s a traumatic experience, it shapes you, it changes how you interact with the world. and it wasn’t caused by anything you did; it was an entirely random act of the universe. so that You is inherently different from the you of a universe where the rock fell 10 seconds after you’d passed by already. 

i got lost in the weeds a bit here. but like.. also under the theory that we DO have free will. this is still the case? our personalities change. we could maybe make decisions, but we’d be caught up in a wave of possibilities and just.. different ways of thinking that would all contradict each other. like me, Choosing To Read The Epilogues. i probably wouldn’t have done it if Tang hadn’t come back to talk on tumblr about them! or, if we want to get crazy, maybe i wouldn’t have done it if i had my arm crushed by a rock! because i’d be like “this is long as fuck and i have to take life by the horns, i dont have TIME to read this, im BUSY”

i dunno it’s just. the ultimate self is insane to think about when you apply it to Real Philosophical thinking. basically what im saying is.... it’s not about being strong? it’s about becoming a literal paradox in the universe. 

and what’s the point of becoming your ultimate self, anyways! i think. if you could SEE your own experiences from other selves, that would be different. understanding “that’s another way things could have gone, and those are the results of it” is something that Could Work. it would increase someone’s understanding of both themselves and of consequences in general. but without being able to conceptualize those actions as happening to specifically Other You, everything becomes too much. you suddenly have conflicting personality traits with no direct line that you can follow across experiences, everything gets jumbled together inside of you, and it becomes SO much harder to understand. it’s hard enough understanding how our experiences shape our personality even with Just One!

unless Dirk thinks that the ultimate self is going to be able to parse through all of that clearly, which i guess they’d Have To if they were gonna be able to do literally anything. but even still, how would they choose? it’s not like their personalities are going to be Amplified, there’s just going to be a million more nuances now that they’ll have to sift through.

i feel like i’ve started circling around my own argument, which is what philosophers do so i guess im valid. but i’ll shut up for now and just keep reading. 

and that’s the main fucking issue here, dirk!!!!! regret is important! regret is a part of growing and making different choices!!

hm

first of all: i do not like you. second of all, if anything, you’re HER mirror. you’re the foil that was introduced halfway through the whole storyline. binch.

god is this gonna be some sort of star wars bullshit huh. come to the dark side i am your father etc, etc

wow i hate this! also we haven’t talked about philosophy in a while so ig im done for now

[formerlyrunephoenix6769]

Winter Solstice: Part 8

Yet another installment in the ongoing Winter Schnee sage. I shall be tagging it under formerlyrunphoenix6769 rwby fanfiction to make it easy to find. 

Please feel free to like, share and comment. I would really appreciate your feed back. 

                                  A Rogue Comes to Visit.

A heavy blanket of mist had rolled down the mountain enveloping the vast Schnee estate, draping everything it touched in a thick layer of moisture. No sunlight twinkled off droplets, both absorbed by the dull grey that stretched as far as the eye could see. It had been weeks since the night of her Father’s bombshell and he had remained true to his word cancelling all of her up and coming engagements.

Nestled in a deep window seat above the only working radiator in the room that gurgled and knocked, Winter stared out of the window into the foggy gloom, choosing to ignore the book in her lap and the droning of the tutor as he paced back and forth his scholarly robes flapping behind him. In the middle of the room at a small desk, Weiss listened intently absorbing his every word, her pen flying across the paper in loops and swirls as she eagerly committed every nugget of information to the page.   Outside, the trees naked of plumage reached up their blacked limbs, twisted and gnarled, like hands reaching for the heavens grasping at the last vestiges of life. One large tree seemed to ripple, as black feathers ruffled and a thousand beady eyes watched and waited.

A dark grey and black uniform passed in front of the window obscuring Winter’s view as they strolled back and forth along the promenade that ran around the mansion. She watched as one proceeded to wiggle his fingers in the granite fountain at the entrance to the path that would lead to the now half empty stable yard, his shouts causing the flock of birds to alight from their roost screeching and cawing at his rude intrusion.

No subtlety had been given in the sudden rise in security at the Schnee homestead. A private security firm rather than the usual personnel from the SDC, these men and women looked battle hardened with a steely glint in their eyes and wore their weapons openly as they proceeded on their rounds.  

The strain of providing for the extra personnel had done nothing to improve Klein’s mood either, his grumpy persona coming more to the fore as he grumbled about the private contractors and their lack of regard for the household staff as they questioned and inspected everything going in and coming out of the stately home.

Winter could only wonder at the exact nature of it as she had witnessed the stony faced sentinels skulking about the hallways of the entrances to the East Wing where their mother had been cloistered since the revelation. Even Jacques departure with Whitley, who he had taken to keeping close by his side, did nothing to rouse the Schnee matriarch from her solitude.

“Miss Schnee!” the tutor barked, cutting into her moment of reflection. “At what temperature does dust go from a solid to a liquid?”

Winter returned his question with a blank stare.

Weiss sat on the edge of her seat, her hand waving in the air, her little chest puffed out to the point Winter was fully convinced she might take flight if not for the desk grounding her.  Ignoring her sister, the tutor continued,

“I would think that as the Heiress to the Schnee Dust Company, you would want to know this?”

Winter replied with a haughty tone,

 “And I would think that as an esteemed tutor you would know that it is a trick question!”

Weiss lowered her hand and watched her older sibling wide eyed. The tutor turned on his heel giving Winter his full attention as a wicked smirk twitched at the corner of his lips,

“If you know so much, would you care to elaborate? I am sure your sister would love to hear what wisdom you have gleaned from your years of education.”

Rising to his petty challenge and bid to humiliate her, Winter returned the parry,

“Certainly- ” Leaving the cosy nest of the windowsill, Winter began to casually stroll about the room, “- Not all types of dust ‘boils’ or ‘melts’ at the same point. Dust, as is it collectively known, is actually a number of different types of minerals often found in individual clusters akin to its surroundings. - ”  She trailed her fingers long the spines of the books on the nearby shelf “- Therefore, its stands to reason that dust with gravity defying properties, one of the rarest types might I add, will not react in the same way that dust with freezing properties shall. The SDC has refineries across the globe, each equipped with the capability to refine each dust type as its properties dictate.”  She teased a book with the emblem of the family sigil embossed in its leather binding from its snug “- Furthermore, the SDC did not become the biggest dust extraction and refining company through sheer monopolisation but rather due to the Schnee name coming to mean excellence and the finest quality of products due to the purity of the dust crystals we provide. Monopolisation of the industry happened after the fact.  Absorbtion of our lesser competitors and implementing the Schnee Dust Company’s refining process thereby improving the quality of dust available on Renmant as a whole was merely good business practices.”

Bowing the board pointer in his hands, the tutor huffed. His features became pinched. As he opened his mouth to speak the large grandfather clock began to chime. Snapping the book closed, Winter returned it to its place before turning on her heel and leaving the room without another word.

Ignoring the security guards, Winter began to make her way down the corridor that would lead back into the main house, stewing over her predicament. Where as once over her afternoons had been filled with Violet, training, or taking to the saddle now she was expected in the parlour practising the accursed cello, the same piece of music over and over until she could play it by ear. It was a strict instruction laid down by her Father, who expected her to play the piece for him without sheet music when he returned.

How could she take up her mother’s plea to leave as soon as the opportunity arose if there was nothing she could do in the way of skills that could provide for her?

If it wasn’t for her brother being with him, she would wish the airship would explode with her father in it.  At least that way all their problems would be solved.

Behind her she could hear the soles of Weiss’ shoes slapping off the polished floor as she ran to catch up.  From in her skinny arms books threatened to spill and the spindly child tried to hug them to her chest.

“Winter.” came the whine, “Please, some help.”

Rolling her eyes, Winter plucked a few before they could cascade onto the floor. Casting a critical eye over the titles,

“What do you even need these for? Most of them are outdated.” She selected one. “Look at this one… Faunus Anatomy…” She flicked it open to a random page and began to read aloud, as Weiss scurried along side her,  “- The Faunus are incapable of learning. Due to their physiology,….. Blah blah…. the ridges in their cranium suggest a smaller brain, much akin to an animal.” Winter trailed off before snapping it closed, “- Yeah, Weiss, I’m pretty certain this is just racist propaganda.”

With a sniff, Weiss tried to take a superior tone,

“Dr Gnarls Tarquin was a great Scientist who helped discover the evolution of Grimm!”

“He was also a crack pot who died due to inhaling dust and was married to his cousin! Nearly all of his other theories have been disproved.”

Weiss’ brow furrowed at her sister’s counter argument. Hugging her remaining books tight, she tried to match Winter’s gait.

“We don’t have many books on the faunus.”

“And why are you trying to learn about the Faunus?”

“I want to know why they are different.”

“They’re not… Well, not really.”

“Why do they hate humans then? Why do they want to kill us?”

“They don’t!”

“They killed Uncle Russell and his family!”

Winter sighed,

“That was a handful of very bad people who were trying to make a statement. I don’t think that all the Faunus are like the White Fang.”

After her Father’s outburst at the dinner table, Winter couldn’t even be sure if the White Fang were responsible anymore, instead she lay a gentle hand on her sister’s shoulder.

“Come on, lets go see Klein and get some lunch.” Casting a sly glance behind her, she spotted the security tailing them at a distance, “- I know a short cut.”

Rounding the corner and out of sight of the guards the teenager picked up the pace encouraging her sister to keep up, she guided the young girl down the wide flowing staircase that led down into a wide entrance lobby. Doubling back round under the staircase and beside a suit of highly polished armour, Winter pressed a panel to reveal a small door cleverly hidden within the lattice work.

She gestured for Weiss to follow. The small girl hesitated on the threshold.  

“I don’t know, Winter,”

Weiss bit her bottom lip and scratched the back of her left calf with her right foot, a dead give away she was nervous.

“Make up your mind, you boob, before those goons see us……” Winter beckoned again,  “It’s quite safe .” Winter assured, “I come down here all the time, it leads down to the kitchens.”

Coming to a decision, Weiss ducked her head and stepped into the gloom, Winter followed easing the door back into its snug so as not to make a sound.

Winter held up her finger to her lips, the heavy footsteps of the guards on the staircase dislodging some of the accumulated dust causing it to rain down, peppering their white hair with grey.

Both girls could hear the voices of the guards,

“Where the hell did they go?”

“I fucking hate this job!”

“Would you shut up!”

“I’m a solider not a glorified babysitter. This not what I signed up for!”

“ It’s a cushty gig. Great pay, bed and board and we don’t get shot at. What more do you want.”

“Dont get shot at? I’d much prefer knowing who the enemy is. The eldest one … I’ve seen that look before… You remember that Faunus village we cleared out, the exact same look….  And I wouldnt put it past the lush going off on one either. Mark my words, this house is gonna go to hell in a…”

The two girls let out the breath they had been holding as the guard’s voices faded out as they moved off. Winter took her sister’s hand, placing it on the back of her waistcoat. Making sure that Weiss had a firm grip she began leading her down the narrow winding pathway.

Weiss whispered,

“What is this? Who built it?”

Winter peered into the gloom, carefully feeling her way long the wall,

“Opa?  I don’t know , maybe an ancestor was paranoid that the local peasants would rise up in revolt and slay them in their beds?”

With a small shaky voice, Weiss whined,

“Winter don’t say that. Father says the White Fang might do that any day now.”

A slight breeze caused errant cobwebs to sway, indicating they were going in the right direction as the pathway twisted and turned. They passed a turn off to the right that Winter knew would lead to a heavily barricaded entrance to the garden. She had yet to explore all the passageway’s off shoots. Feeling a slight change in heat, the teenager took the left opening, carefully placing her feet on each stone flag that made up the staircase that spiraled round and down as Weiss held on tight.

“Father is just trying to scare you. He wants us terrified so we wont do anything he disapproves of.” In a bid to alleviate her younger sibling’s fears, she explained, not unkindly, “- Our house is one of the most secure in Remnant. The White Fang wouldn’t make a move towards this house.  We are so far in the tundra, there is no way a mass group of faunus would make it so far into the country without being detected. We would see them coming a mile away. ”

“But Father said..”

Winter pushed open the door that would lead into one of the official servants service corridors that were doted all over the house as she snapped in annoyance,

“Well Father is a liar!”

“I would be careful saying that out loud,  Miss Winter. The walls have ears.”

Both girls let out a shriek and dropped their books at the voice. Bending down to collect the books in a bid to hide her embarrassment at being so jumpy, Winter mumbled,

“Klein, you nearly gave us a heart attack.”

“Sign of a good butler that is, to be unseen and unheard.”

He comically wiggled his bushy eyebrows at the younger sibling. Taking a handkerchief out of his breast pocket he began to fuss over the pair, wiping  and flicking at errant dust and cobwebs on their grey outfits.

“

Cook made some lovely stew.”

The two girls followed him along the servant’s passageway that widened out. Down here was the warmest part of the mansion, housing the laundry and the kitchens. Bustling with activity, uniformed members of staff nodded and bobbed in acknowledgement as they passed by on their errands. A maid stopped to show Klein some stitching on a piece of linen, who wiped out an eye glass to closer inspect it. The butler nodded and praised the young girl for a job well done.  

Down here, underneath the icy cold indifference of the family they served, it was warm, light hearted  and inviting. It always put Winter in the frame of mind of a rockery. Lift up one of the frozen beautifully carved statues and underneath you would find it teeming with life.

Through one door Winter spied a group of servants polishing the silverware and candle sticks like a dust assembly line, laughing and joking with each other as they worked.

Pausing by an open door, from which wafted the smells of good cooking, Klein called out,

“Mauve, the lil mistresses are here.”

From depths of the kitchens, they heard a jovial voice boom,

“I’ll be along in a minute, deary,”

Klein ushered them further into the bowels of the house finally coming out into a large cosy looking room with a huge fire crackling in the hearth. There was a long table flanked either side with long benches. The blue slate flagged floor shone from being scrubbed. In the far corner next to the fire, a comfortable looking rocking chair and a small table with a set of knitting needles and yarn. Hanging on the walls photos, some new and shiny, others yellowed with age depicting the staff over the years and their masters. Winter paused by one that depicted a huge crowd of staff dressed in black and white old fashioned uniforms outside the front of the Schnee Estate, their faces looking stern. Winter thought she recognised their grandfather as a little boy in shorts that came just above the knees, his white hair messily standing on end.

Weiss looked around in awe at the tall back piano against the far wall. Placing her books on the table she skipped over, she went to touch the keys only to hesitate and look at the butler for permission.  He gave her a fatherly smile.

“Your mother used to come down here and play that when your grandfather was alive. He liked being down here.”

As the youngster slid onto the piano chair, Klein patted a seat on the bench closest to the fire for Winter.  Weiss began to play a beautiful and haunting melody. Never taking her eyes of her younger sibling’s erect back, Winter quietly asked,

“How is Mama?”

Klein poked the fireplace with the poker,

“Don’t fret your pretty little head. We’re all keeping an eye on her.”

Winter sucked on her bottom lip and gave a little sniff,

“I’m worried about her.” She used her finger nail to pick at a splinter in the well worn wood, “We’ve hardly seen her since….. You know..”

Before the butler could reply, a maid came in with a tray laden with bowls and thick fresh loaves and the cook, Mauve,  hot on her heels. Placing the tray on the table, the young woman nodded her head, before beating a hasty retreat and closing the door behind her.

Mauve was dressed in chef whites. Unlike the rest of the household staff she did not have a single accent of grey in her uniform. She was small in stature and rotund, moving with a swift shuffle that belied her size. White hair poked out from under her hat but it was difficult to gauge her age  due to the smoothness of her skin.  Her cheeks were red from being in the heat of the kitchens and her forearms were thick, no doubt from hauling slabs of meat and huge pans on the cooker. She hefted a  huge pot on to the table, wiping her hands on a towel that hung from her apron. With a smile and twinkle on her bright blue eyes, she cajoled the sisters,

“Now then, look at the pair of you. The two luvs look half frozen to death, Klein.” She began to ladle the hot thick stew into the bowls. She inclined her head with a smile, “Come on, Miss Weiss, sit at the table. That’s a good lass.”

Weiss slid off the piano chair and awkwardly tried to clamber over the bench as elegantly as she could in the constricting skirt. Giving up at any attempt, she sat on down on the lip, swinging her legs round, Winter lay a supportive hand to the small of her back so she wouldnt tip over on to the flagstones. Sat in her seat, she shuffled closer to Winter.

Mauve gave the two girls each a huge bowl of stew and a spoon,

“There, get that into you luvs.”

She began to take a knife to the fresh loaves, carving out thick slabs. One of the service bells began to ring out and the phone in the room began to chime.  Klein got up to answer it as Mauve began to slather the bread in huge swaths of butter. With a pout, Weiss gave her stew an experimental poke,

“What is it?”

“It’s a dish from my home town.” The cook admitted as she continued to make a pile of bread big enough to feed an army. Weiss began to dubiously inspect the depths of her bowl. Mauve ladled out some more for herself and the butler. “Its Pot stew.  Perfect dish on a cold day.”

Finished with the call, Klein squeezed Weiss’s shoulders, putting on one of his many accents,

“It will put hairs on your chest, so it will.”

Weiss let out a gleeful giggle, kicking her legs,

“I don’t want a hairy chest, cause I won’t be able to wear gowns like Mama.”

Selecting some of the bread, Winter began to tear it up, dropping it into her stew. Using the spoon she dunked it before taking a spoonful. Weiss seemed to hold back, watching and waiting for her sister’s reaction.  Biting into her spoonful, Winter’s mouth was awash with flavours, the beef was tender and the potatoes soft, the carrots and onions broke on her tongue. The homemade stock was full of aromas that set the taste buds aflame. Winter hadn't realised how hungry she was as she eagerly attacked her bowl. Not to be out done, Weiss took a spoonful only to hum delightedly at the taste. Klein threw Winter a wink as he tucked a napkin into his collar began to eat his own and Mauve watched like a proud mother hen at her hungry brood.

“Nobody on Remnant can hold a candle to Mauve’s stew.”

Winter couldn’t tell if the ruddiness of the cook’s cheeks was a blush or from the heat of the room.  Mauve swatted at Klein with her towel, who ducked and gave her a toothy grin. She poured out three glasses of  fresh water before taking a seat in the rocking chair by the fire and began to knit. The fire crackled in the hearth as Mauve rocked back and forth, humming a soothing tune. The clinking of cutlery off the porcelain as the food was hungrily devoured joined it’s chorus. Looping another thread over the needle, Mauve asked,

“What was the call?”

“It was the Mistress..”

Winter’s head shot up and Weiss spoon paused half way. Cook continued to make another loop,

“What did she want?”

“She has a guest.”

“She does?”

“I asked Gray to see to it.” He leisurely dunked his bread into the broth, “- When you’ve finished your lunch, she would like to see you, Winter.”

Winter went to stand up, only for Cook to take a mock stern tone, never looking up from her knitting needles,

“Young lady, sit down and finish your lunch. I didn’t slave over a hot stove all day for you to be running off and gallivanting about the place half starved. Not on my watch.”

Winter’s bum collided with the bench at the slight reprimand. Klein pulled a comical face to Weiss causing the young girl to laugh.

Hesitantly, Winter asked,

“Can Weiss come too?”

“Don’t see why not. Mistress didn’t say not to.”

Knitting needles clicked in a steady rhythm making a soothing sound as Winter began to wonder at who the guest could be. Weiss reclaimed one of her books, propping it against her water glass, eyes glued to the words on the page as she continued to haphazardly reach out for the bread plate. Winter moved it closer to the searching hand and stifled a laugh at the youngster dipping her slender finger tips into the butter. Mauve broke the relatively comfortable silence,

“How is your schooling?”

Before Winter could reply, Weiss began to excitedly babble about their lessons. Mauve and Klein listened intently, nodding and awwing at all the appropriate moments. Weiss announced,

“And Winter was cheeky with the tutor.”

“Urrgh , you’re such a tattle tale!” Winter gave her sister a poke in the ribs, “Klein, tell her what happens to tattle tales”

Mauve and Klein replied in unison,

“You slowly become a Grimm.”

Weiss asked, with suspicion,

“What type of Grimm?”

Once again the service bell began to tinkle. Klein cast a glance at the numerous bells set in a row up high, underneath each one a brass plaque with the name of the room written in cursive. Wiping his mouth with his napkin, the butler announced,

“I think your Mother is ready for you. It looks like she is in the conservatory in the East Wing.”

Both girls graciously thanked Mauve for the meal. Weiss hurriedly tried to collect her books only for Klein to assure her not to worry, that they would be in her bedroom later. Winter grabbed a napkin,

“Hold still.”

She dabbed at the younger girl’s mouth making sure that all evidence of lunch had disappeared. It wouldn’t do to turn up to an audience with their mother and her guest looking like a pauper. Weiss crinkled her nose at the onslaught as Winter chided,

“How did you manage to get more of it on your face than in your mouth?”

As they were about to leave, Weiss dashed back to grab the book she was reading before following her sister to the door.

“Thankyou.”

“You come down here any time you like luvs.”

 ----xx----

At the entrance to the conservatory, Winter paused to straighten her appearance and make sure her sister’s hair was perfect.

“Don’t tell Mama about the passage,” She smoothed a small wisps of hair behind Weiss ears, “- And don’t tell Mama about the tutor.” Weiss silently nodded. Winter made sure her shirt was tucked in and her black lace bow was straight, “- In fact, don’t say anything about anything, ok?”

Pushing open the glass doors into the conservatory the two girls were hit by a sweltering heat. Here their mother teased plants back to life. No expense had been spared in what Winter could only come to think was essentially a green house. It was the biggest collection of global flora in the country outside the of Atlas Botanical Gardens. Trees from Menagerie carefully cultivated sat along side bright and colourful flowers from the floating islands of Mistral. Leafy plants towered over the pair as they navigated the yellow winding paths. Somewhere the soothing noise of a babbling water feature permeated through the plant life.

Snippets of conversation drifted through the undergrowth guiding the siblings towards their destination.

Rounding past a rather wide and bushy plant from the far reaches of Vacuo that would sting you as soon as you looked at it, Winter and her sister came upon their mother bent over a flower bed, deep in conservation, her partner obscured from view,

“As you can see, the Clananis is rather deadly. It is the only plant known in human existence to feed both off Grimm and fauna. It’s sap is extremely poisonous if ingested. Even a sting from one of its barbs is known to cause adverse reactions in the brain leaving one in a depressive state.”

A heavy accent replied,

“I do believe it hails from Menagerie and is rather rare to come by?”

Willow took a long sip of her drink,

“Only in certain circles. If one is to be believed.” Willow gave a light laugh. “ It flourishes in Anima so I am told.”

Grey stood to attention beside a table laden with drinks. As the two girls approached, he gave a polite cough.

Willow turned at the interruption. Her eyes alighting on her daughters, she broke into a huge smile.

“Ah, my darlings.”  She placed her glass on a nearby table, approaching the two girls with her arms out stretched. Weiss ran forward into her mother’s arms, hugging her round the middle. Winter remained at a distance, watching as her mother sank into a nearby chaise and patted the seat beside her which Weiss eagerly took. She observed as her mother’s every action was ever so slightly delayed. Willow beckoned over Winter and her guest, “- Come sit. Ciddy, darling, These are my daughters. Weiss.” She affectionately stroked her fingers through the little girl’s long ponytail, “And my eldest, Winter. I believe you have already met?”

Winter gasped as the guest came into view. His beard was gone, replaced by a well trimmed pencil moustache and tiny goatee favoured by the upper echelons of the sea faring merchants of Silas and port towns of Vacuo. His hair was neatly drawn back into a short and low stub of a ponytail that rested at the nuque . A golden earring twinkled in his left ear and he was decked in brightly coloured clothing decidedly warmer than when the last time she saw him.

“Mr Cid!”

His face broke into a wolfish grin,

“Hello, pampered little Schnee.”

Her mother broke into loud laughter.

“That is what you used to call me.”

Berdea Cid gave a chuckle as he took the other chair,

“Amongst other things.”

Gesturing to Grey to make another drink, Willow added,

“Oh you cad.. It’s good to see that some people haven’t changed.”

 “But Mama, I don’t understand.” Winter took a cautious step forward, “- What is he doing here?”

Drawing back her long sleeves to reveal her pale arms, Willow graciously accepted her beverage,

“Don’t you remember, darling?” Willow took a sip of her drink, her eyes briefly closing in satisfaction, “ You wanted to learn the Combat Sabre …. This was the man I was speaking of.”

Berdea looked up at Winter, eyes dancing with mirth,

“I am your new swordmaster.”

[hearingmyselftalk]

interesting phenomenon, really

the things you learn from the people that you date. 

you learn what you like and what you don’t like, what you’ll tolerate and what you absolutely won’t stand for... but something i never thought about until my last relationship is: what are peoples thresholds forreal? and at what point is acknowledging these thresholds the right time to?

what do i mean by thresholds? people’s tolerance, expounded. what are people really willing to put up with when it comes to a boyfriend/girlfriend. you know how people date and joke around and say, “if i were to get into some kind of freak accident and left bound to a wheelchair for the rest of my life, would you still love me?” that’s a super high threshold innit? 

if we were to scale a threshold or were to explain different levels of tolerance as scenarios to ME, they would go as follows;

-losing a job -finding out you’re depressed/anxious some other kind of mental ailment -repetitive, never ending, annoying arguments -physical ailment, something long term or something like losing a limb, or facial disfigurement -toxic arguments where there are often low-blows, using something said in confidence to you as a defense, verbal abuse -terminal illness of yourself or direct family members -death of a close family member

along the lines, i’m sure there are other various scenarios that would test a persons tolerance or their threshold for dealing with you like if you murdered someone or, just having too different of opinions or even something smaller (i guess i figure the smaller things would get weeded out earlier because if those things bother you now, you figure you would address them now, but that’s for another time) however, you really have to know the person you’re dealing with.

that’s really my bottom line. it sounds so simple like when you say it outloud, but really, investing so much emotionally and mentally into a person, when it comes down to bullet two, repetitive, annoying never ending fights... i’m just different because one) i believe in picking and choosing your battles and two) i genuinely have thought ive found the person that i would obviously prefer not to have fights with, but if they were gonna be with anybody, they’d be with you...and it doesn’t ever happen like that for me is what i’m trying to say. 

i’ve grown EXPONENTIALLY when it comes down to how i handle my relationships. i really really need to work on the whole “leave before you get left” ideology because it’s not working. it just doesn’t work. and that’s not even what i really want. i’m truly a lover, and im a firm believer in fighting for the shit that you really want. nobody ever wants to fight for me though. LOL. i read in mark mansons book unfuck yourself, about being a winner. telling myself we weren’t going to end up together and we would stop talking, is me being me, self sabotaging, and at this point, miss me with manifestation because that shit doesn’t work for me either, but saying that and then it happening is literally me winning. but in the bad way. in the way that mark said that we fuck ourselves. by inadvertently or subconsciously and even really more often than not consciously make decisions and essentially have thoughts that turn into exactly what ends up happening. i end up winning but not really in the way i want. 

but then i ask myself, can i even be mad, really? can i? i knew that he wasn’t sure about me for a long time, so i believe i’m equally guilty of knowing the cards could have fell like this. but then the lover in me says, i stayed to see if anything would change, but the reality is, you can’t love someone into loving you. and as much as i wanted to put a lot of ... i don’t want to say blame but a lot of the weight on “a man” knowing about you, right, knowing if you’re “the one” or “her”, but i feel like if you’re in a place where you’re even questioning if you think he’s certain about you, or if you’re ballsy enough and wanna fucking ask, hey, how do you really feel about me, do you feel like i could be right, or am i just for right now, and if he straight up tells you, it ain’t you, you’ve got choices, but one of them ISN’T getting mad at the fact ya’ll break up because he finally decided he didn’t want to be with you anymore.

how mad can you get, can you be, really, right? if you willingly participate and spend time and make yourself available for someone who reciprocates time and energy but not affection. they won’t talk about relationships with you in a realistic way. they speak to you as if everything is up in the air and they have no kind of control or role to play in the situation. you can’t be mad at that. you can’t blame someone for finally making up their mind. 

and, speaking of getting mad, you can’t get mad about someone not being sure about spending the rest of their life with you, or even what a future looks like with you, if you yourself can’t even see the future!! make it make sense. the only concrete plan i really have for myself is suicide, and i’m a super high functioning depressive, so that sounds really sad or whatever, but i mean, really, that’s the only thing my mind reverts to whenever i think about the future forreal. even when i’m “happy*”, i don’t ever see me 5 or 10 years from now, like in a better place, happy. 

i wonder if that’s because i’m just a negative, miserable ass person, or if, like i’ve said before, my depression just really does not allow me to see into the future. i don’t even like trying to project months time, because fuck, anything could happen. it seems easier to predict negative timelines or realities than positive ones, because my happiness doesn’t really seem to exceed 2 years. and sick of me to frame the basis of my happiness on when i was in relationships but i know me. but really, i don’t see anything when i think about the future, it’s like just this completely blank slate and anything could happen... it’s like im sure ill be alive i guess somewhere but living where? doing what? with who and i had what? nah. it’s just not, realistic, i can’t plan for something i can’t even imagine. 

but i don’t know why being in relationships make me happy?? i’ve tried to reason it within myself and i’ve got some pretty solid theories: - weird familial dynamic when it came to showing and expressing love to each other has me desperate for a non obligatory love, that actually caters to my love language  - obviously being with someone who makes you feel good and you vibe with and shit literally does shit to your chemically but yeah what the fuck ever -trying to make up for attention i didn’t get when my sister was sick, so i’ve turned to romantic love as an escape, or attach romantic love with feeling happy because i was in a serious relationship with someone when my sister first got sick so having that person to go to made me feel better -unprotected sex -im just a codependent person because i dont have any other friends, hobbies, interests or activities i like to do, so being up under someone and consumed with them gives me something to do -gives me hope?

i think i might really be getting down and into some shit right now... i was going to say to myself well why would being in a relationship give me hope, and i know i was saying that because i often feel worthless and like nobody will love me forreal, but it’s like, why is that the basis of happiness for me? i love love, but love might not really fuck with me forreal because the fact that i even am doing this shit for love, but getting fucked by love, or letting some fuck ass boy tell me i’m worthless like be an end all be all for me... or somebody deciding that they don’t want to be with me or that i’m not the girl they want to spend their life with, why should that bother and break me so bad? 

why does that end up being the bottom line or how shit comes back around? i didn’t really attach the fact that i was with someone that made me feel good when i was going through something that would change my life forever. completely. i think this is it. i rely so heavily on relationships as a source of happiness because when i was at my lowest, my relationship made me feel good. 

it just dawned on me, i’ve never had a relationship that ended on a healthy amicable note, or that wasn’t overly explosive and “passionate”... and i think i blow up because i associate people i love leaving me, with abandoning me to be back alone with my problems i have due to my sister being sick. 

im unpacking these things. that is a completely new concept that i had never thought about or realized before. i knew i was USING relationships to overcompensate.... i remember telling ____ _, i use people/guys im dating as an escape from my reality. when you don’t want to see someone losing their mind, you want to be with anybody that can keep you away from that and make you feel good about yourself. you want to be with and around someone that’s going to make you feel normal. 

that’s another thing i’ve been thinking about lately... my lack of knowledge about various kinds of mental health fucked me too. if i had even an inkling that it was a much grander spectrum than crazy socio psycho i would have been better prepared. i blame tv. i blame schools. nowadays, you see advertisements for all kinds of mental health issues. and good for people now to be exposed, but i feel like i was blindsided by not knowing. i would have spent less time being upset about it because i would have known better.

i feel like i kind of just, one day got tossed into that life, or like literally that’s when my season of the truman show, but featuring me was on. and it was just a terrible fucking time in my life. 

i started taking some drugs to help, i stopped them though, but they did really work. i just wish i didn’t have to remember them or stay on such a routine about it... i didn’t feel anything at all. and that’s how i would love to feel all the time. just neutral. i remember watching a soldier coming home and surprising their mom or something video and wanted to cry even just happy tears and my body wouldn’t do it. i said i would take a pill before tomorrow, when i’m supposed to be meeting up with the guy who i’ve spent the out of the last 16 months? all but 3 collectively (if you added up all the single days out of the last 16 months, it would probably equate to 3 months i did not see this person), and now we don’t talk. i’m crushed but also ^^^ ????? you see what the fuck i’m talking about. i can’t be mad. 

that’s really what i keep saying to myself. literally, everyday i tell myself. “he’s going to talk to, and have sex with, and date, and kiss and talk to other people. he probably is now. he is going to date her for a couple of months, make her his girlfriend, they will get engaged, or have a baby and that is what will happen because we are 30 and that’s what happens when you’re 30. you find someone else and you just move on” no joke. i say that to myself everyday. it really helps too, because when we first stopped talking, i used to get the worst gut wrenching anxiety, to the point i would feel like i was going to throw up. thinking about him with someone else, laying up with someone else, exploring and just doing the little shit with someone else, it stings, but i did get through typing out that off the script part of my mantra about the reality of dating without my stomach turning too much.

my body had been tried to tell me to get out. and i ignored it for so long. i don’t think we would rekindle this relationship. if it was up to him we would never talk about it again, and we would actually probably never talk again. if i see him tomorrow, if he doesn’t flake on me. i know the whole vibe will be different. i know he won’t try to sit next to me or want to talk about it. i’m just going to be coming over as a friend, to smoke and watch black monday.

the real test will be going into his crib and sitting in his presence, it’s been over a month, and my stomach is actually going crazy thinking about that, but again, that’s my ever active imagination. i’ve always had one, even as a kid. thinking up literally the most dramaticized versions of situations that would never ever ever fucking happen, like really like some only in the movies shit and even then it would be a fucking corny ass cringey ass movie. im getting queasy thinking about some shit and how awkward it will be, and he’ll end up texting me to cancel the whole shit before this misery can actually play itself out. lmao.

it hurts to feel replaceable when we were so cool though. and honestly, dating him is a regret i actually have. i regret that, forreal. i would have preferred to just have been friends. because knowing what i know and have been known, that i was i never her, i always knew that wasn’t going to magically change for me, even if i played along and put on the monkey suit. it was always on some “im just tryna see” shit.... it’s like why even mix shit up or get so involved? i knew he didn’t know, he knew he didn’t know, we both knew he didn’t know, and the conversation “youre either gonna accept it, and stay or leave” it’s literally so fucking insulting but when you actually fuck around and accept it and stay, that’s when you’re sick and you fucked up on some real shit. but when you’re thinking to yourself “if i leave, this nigga won’t care” and like you KNOW, leaving would only prove yourself right... you really just feel stupid. 

but that’s really my thing though. at the end of the day, i was really fed up, ready to get the fuck on and be over it. i was mad and upset and talking crazy and real slick, but after a few weeks i would have reached back out to him like i dont want beef, and i legitimately don’t think i would be here now dwelling on shit. it’s like i was already out the door right, like, i had all my shit, my coat, keys, phone, wallet, mask, feelings, everything. i had never been so ready to be out in mY LIFEEEE... and then it’s like you went and did the one thing i put emphasis on meaning something to me and like at an attempt to grasp straws or like not lose the fight, you did that, and then turned around and flipped on me and now treat me like i said fuck your mother, eat shit, i hope you die.... i’m just confused. that’s why im torn like am i really not shit... or do the people i meet and glorify really just be terrible people? i kind of think just off the fact that he did that, i shouldn’t talk to him ever again. to practically beg me to not stop talking to you, it like literally feels like you only did that shit so that YOU could be the one breaking things off. and that’s beyond petty to me. it’s super vindictive, and like we say shit is mean, and people are mean, but like in the context of things, doing something especially specific to someone that to them means you care, and then renege on that, you might as well had just spit in my face forreal. 

i have a feeling stronger now, that we won’t link up tomorrow. 

link. lol. at 3:50 IN THE MORNING he texted me asking me about this stick figure dancing really silly that i sent it to him talking about thats how i dance in his kitchen, and it’s hard to think he wasn’t up after having just fucked someone and probably saw something similar to that and was dying laughing thinking about the one i sent... so when i sent it to him, he asked for a link to it, probably because the screenshot of the video i sent had me laughing in it or something, and he couldn’t show that to the new girl bc “he texted a “friend” (non gender specific) and they had the video and wanted to see if they still had it” 

but a goofy i am that i thought he mayyyy have meant link with me, with all that extra emphasis, and of course, when i replied in extra innocent confusion, i don’t have the link only a screen recording.. he said oh. lol. 

when we decided to stop talking in general it was goofy. i email him saying i miss you, he unblocks my number and texts me somewhere between i miss you too and im pissed off still and so we talk and he’s like oh i spent this last week hating you for no reason and yadda yadda and then that segways into me talking about us being done, and he goes “why are you so finite about everything, i need to time to just sit and think” just to still turn around in the same day and be like yeah naw we don’t talk now. everything is a mixed message, but i’m just gonna chalk it i wouldn’t dare even try to bring the shit up unless he tried to. but that was it. like okay we don’t talk no more. and again we didn’t have screaming matches or block each others number again after that or any other petty fights. so for us to go from seeing each other to every day to it’s been over a month, and texting someone who would text you back within 3 minutes, not even respond to you for hours or even the same day.... the shit is all just weird. it really makes me even second guess being around him because it’s like, i know i still care, but that’s just me hurting myself to care. at this point, he’s accepted that it’s over and done with and his life will go on and he’ll date new people and hang out with new girls and get to know them and like completely throw me away like the fact that it doesn’t even feel like this person is even a friend now is completely beyond me. maybe im just that fucking far removed from dating and breaking up so me expecting someone to still want to talk to me is asinine and insane but what the fuck ever. 

honestly, i’m a better writer or more expressive when i’m depressed. in a manic depressive episode, i thought for a second, if i start documenting what i write when i’m sad, and i get a really good series of short sad stories or these bouts of where i just want to say some shit like this whole post, then when i kill myself someone will find them and ill be like a fucking world renown emo writer like poe, saying beautiful miserable shit that people relate to and relate to it so much more because the pain of what i go through is seared into them, so they get it. 

pain.... i thought earlier about pain and suicide..... and how people who are suicidal and are looking for a way out but would like it to be as painless as possible are people who already deal with too much pain they know they can’t take anymore because they want to leave, but they literally also can’t take anymore because it’s like, give me a fucking break. then you have the suicidal people who do shit like suicide by cop or slit their wrists or set themselves on fire and shit, and i think, people like that feel so much pain, maybe they’re incapable of even registering the out as painful... maybe having to feel that is nothing compared to how they feel all the time... 

[ithisatanytime]

 When you don’t want to believe something is true, you will grab the first half assed counter argument and treat it as though its as empirically true and obvious as gravity. if you dont want to believe something is true, you treat every argument for it like a second hand parachute, scouring it all the way through for holes. the mental acrobatics i did to continue buying into modern culture theory about race are astonishing to me in hindsight. the arguments for it were so bad but i clung to them for dear life and closed my eyes as tight as i could so i could remain part of the tribe. Here is where the conversation ends on a number of different topics, try and fill in the first parts of the debates yourself, you likely have heard the beginning of them a thousand times on whatever political news platform you patronize. but heres the ends that you likely never heard.

 ADOPTION STUDIES

CRIME VICTIM SURVEYS

109

AFRICA

DETROIT

these five points completely destroy the narrative, and  the people who are doing most of the lying know it, they arent mistaken or fooled (thats you) they are flat out lying. Race is a biological reality, populations have different behaviors. the whole reason we are ignoring that FACT is not to spare the feelings of black school children, its to systematically destroy white people, and its jews who are doing it. and they are succeeding. white countries are not breeding at replacement rates the world over, and simultaneously being flooded with immigrants from other races who breed much more than them. this is happening in nearly every white country in the world at the same time. and the groups pushing immigration are MAJORITY jewish, its in most of their names! it sounds too absurd to be true, but it just is. thats whats happening, and they are even pushing people to violence against white people, thats the reason for these racially provocative news stories that constantly paint white people as evil racists. i am not a flat earther, i dont believe in aliens or bigfoot or ghosts, i believe in evidence, hard evidence and i am a know it all. this is true, its happening, you can find out for yourself and deep down you know damn well its happening, you feel we are in a state of decline. look at the suicide rates and the opiate crisis (thanks “sackler” family). what you learned in school was largely a lie, most of your “Experience” was manufactured by hollywood. your brain literally doesn’t differentiate characters from your favorite shows and real life friends, it stores all the movies and stories you’ve seen right in the same place it stores its memories  from your real life. they manufactured a reality and we all bought it, its fucking bogus. i already knew for years that the source of this shit was jewish because you can just read the name of the dude who wrote the article/movie that was pushing this poison but i did not want to accept it, i was propagandized to reject the truth, and also because i didnt know who specifically was behind a lot of it, or when it started and most importantly WHY they would do something like this i didnt fully buy into it, then i read culture of critique, its just the fucking truth and as much as it sucks, as much as id like to continue seeing the world the way i did for most of my life, its phoney, that shit is not real. https://www.bitchute.com/video/ReQ1k2VXM61d/

 Just as a little aside, boomers are the only generation in all of human history to spend their whole lives  completely saturated in television and  movies, much of  generation X and most millenials dont really watch television anymore and movie viewership has long been on the decline. as a result boomers are especially propagandized and even if i showed them irrefutable evidence, which the video i linked is literally crammed full of from beginning to end, they would not accept it, they can’t. from childhood to this day they have been suckling hollywoods rotten teat, they cannot differentiate the lie from reality. i say this so you don’t go blaming them for this, they were the first generation to get truly fucked, even though it was better for them in many ways (more economic opportunity and two parent households) it was worse for them in many others. take a years break from television and watch it again, you would be horrified, as you hadnt been kept up to speed and slowly gotten used to it had you been watching the whole time. watching television with my family feels like watching pornography because i took such a long break, once you understand what jews want and why, the purpose for everything we see on the old boob tube becomes excruciatingly painfully obvious. every person i have had time to talk to sees  the light on this, and tv is hard for all of them, the only people who never get there are boomers. its not their fault.

[shironoise]

Tokyo Ghoul and Demian Theory

 I will start off by saying that this book alone is worth a read by any of you who are intrigued by philosophical thoughts, new perspectives of the world and intellectually challenging books.

And that is a perfect description of your average Tokyo Ghoul reader.

Caution: This will be a very long read 

So if you wish not to be spoiled, and to really absorb the full meaning of the theory, please go read it and then come back.

Demian is a book written by Herman Hesse, it talks about a young boy named Emil Sinclaire, who comes from a rich, religious family.

In my perspective, Emil Sinclaire is Kaneki. Rize, Jason and Uta are the representatives of Franz Komer’s Character.

Emil Sinclaire, lives in a religious, white, ‘good’ environment. He calls his home the ‘realm of light’. The world of order, peace, serenity.

That is initially his story, however; Sinclair invents a story about stealing some apples and is then blackmailed by an eleven year old thug, Franz Kromer. Not having enough money to pay off Kromer, Sinclair begins to steal and is otherwise subjected to tormenting humiliation by Kromer.

This is where the law of attraction comes in, and the connection to Kaneki’s story comes into play.

Kaneki initially says and I quote:

‘‘ I’m not the protagonist of a novel or anything…I’m a college student who likes to read, like you could find anywhere. But if, for argument’s sake, you were to write a story with me in the lead role, it would certainly be… a tragedy ‘‘

Does it click yet? See. He may have not exactly wanted the outcome of being turned into a ghoul, or did he?

This is also shown in Tokyo Ghoul:re, when Kaneki, wants to die in a stylish, tragic, beautiful way.

And just like Emil, even though the outcome wasn’t what he planned it was the inner thought that pulled him into that world

However, the story with Franz isnt only represented once, but MANY times, in different ways.

The first effect was: Law of Attraction. ‘’You become what you think of.’’

Kaneki may have subconsciously wanted this.

After this, Kaneki turns into a ghoul and begins having internal conflict, his confrontation and forgiveness for Amon, his want to collide both worlds. His want to understand everybody, then being tortured by Jason and losing it.

 That internal contradiction is the second effect.

Kaneki realizes that it doesnt feel right anymore, he knows that something just doesnt fit into place, he says and I quote

‘‘You cannot survive in this world, by always doing what is seemingly right’’

This is exactly what happens to Emil. Through his continuous lies, fearing his father’s shock and anger, he feels like he doesnt belong in the Light Realm.

He begins feeling wrong in every prayer, the calm feeling he used to feel at home slowly disappears.

Emil starts feeling like his entire previous existence was a lie.

Just like... Kaneki. 

‘’Get hurt but never hurt others, i was living in a fucking lie all along, its your fault.’’

As his world crumbles before him, as he is torn between two sides, Kaneki decides he needs to protect his friends at any cost.

See Kaneki hated the person he was becoming, he hated it all.

However, this is a reference to Demian as well and I quote:

“If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us.”

In this continuous struggle, it seemed like Kaneki had no way out.

Enter Arima Kishou, the character of Abraxas and Max Demian.

Why Abraxas? Here is why (from Demian):

“Our god's name is Abraxas and he is God and Satan and he contains both the luminous and the dark world.”

“You knew all along that your sanctioned world was only half the world, and you tried to suppress the other half the same way the priests and teachers do. You won't succeed. No one succeeds in this once he has begun to think.”

Arima Kishou represented this character perfectly. Extreme power, can be kind and can be cruel. Yet there is beauty in his cruelty.

By killing Kaneki, he reincarnated him. 

This is the third effect, reincarnation.

Quote from Demian:

“The bird fights its way out of the egg. The egg is the world. Who would be born must first destroy a world. The bird flies to God. That God's name is Abraxas.”

Seems familiar haha?

By killing Kaneki, he gave him the strength to destroy the shell, the old world, and be born anew, and take flight to him.

But wait... Flight... To him? It is to BECOME him.

Yes, the fourth effect, becoming god.(AKA Abraxas/Arima.

Secondly, why is Arima Max Demian?

About Max Demian, from the chapter two ‘Cain’

My salvation came from a totally unexpected source, which, at the same time, brought a new element into my life that has affected it to this very day. A new boy had just been enrolled in our school. He was the son of a well-to-do widow who had come to live in our town; he wore a mourning band on his sleeve. Being several years older than I, he was assigned to a grade above me. Still, I could not avoid noticing him, nor could anyone else .

I kept glancing toward Demian whose face held a peculiar fascination for me, and I observed the intelligent, light, unusually resolute face bent attentively and diligently over his work; he didn't at all look like a student doing an assignment, but rather like a scientist investigating a problem of his own. I couldn't say that he made a favorable impression on me; on the contrary, I had something against him: he seemed too superior and detached, his manner too provocatively confident, and his eyes gave him an adult expression--which children never like--faintly sad, with flashes of sarcasm. Yet I could not help looking at him, no matter whether I liked or detested him, but if he happened to glance my way I averted my eyes in panic

From the first line of the book:

I wanted only to try to live in accord with the promptings which came from my true self. Why was that so very difficult?

Demian brought new perspectives to Kaneki’s life, new ideas that freed him from his past self and his confusion.

Emil (Kaneki) looked up to him, he wanted to become like him.

And this is the final stage that is not yet shown, but will be.

And it is Kaneki turning into the character of Arima.

In the end of Demian, Emil says and I quote:

Everything that has happened to me since has hurt. But sometimes when I find the key and climb deep into myself where the images of fate lie aslumber in the dark mirror, I need only bend over that dark mirror to behold my own image, now completely resembling him, my brother, my master.

He is talking about Max Demian, the one who enlightened him, who killed him but brought him to life again. Or perhaps... Brought him to his real self?

Quote from Demian:

“I realize today that nothing in the world is more distasteful to a man than to take the path that leads to himself.”

How does this fit with Tokyo Ghoul:re, and how does it lead up to this?

Makes sense now?

I hope you all enjoyed reading as much as i enjoyed writing!

Thank you for reading, and dont forget to send me some feedback :)