#i just don't want Nikolai to die man....... I really don't

[dazais-guardian-angel]

I'm finding it difficult to reconcile the fact that what I've always wanted and envisioned for Nikolai and his relationship with Fyodor based on fanworks and the very very little canon information we've had to go off of so far, will very likely be very different from what we actually get.

While I understand the appeal of Fyodor taking over Nikolai's body via his blood ability, and the inherent, romantic, ironic tragedy of that — for Nikolai, the person who yearned for freedom, to meet an end by having his soul eternally trapped in the body of the person he loved the most, while Fyodor lives on in his body, never truly knowing how much he was adored by him — I would just hate the idea of that happening now? It just feels far, far too soon for Nikolai to be dead, for his character to no longer have a role or a purpose; his mind and behavior is so utterly fascinating in all its bizarre contradictions, there's so much more to explore and discover with him, he's one of BSD's most complex characters, or at least he's set up to be, and I really hope Asagiri wouldn't throw him away this soon without doing anything more with him.

I never really thought that Nikolai would be the one to end Fyodor for good, way down the line (that can only ever be Dazai's job, to me, since he's his foil), but I always imagined he'd at least have some kind of role in attempting to kill him, since that's his ultimate wish. I imagined that it would be ugly, frenzied, unhinged, desperate, Nikolai finally being forced to acknowledge the horrible truth that's always been buried within his subconscious but he's never wanted to accept: that going against all human reason and killing someone he cares so deeply for will not, in fact, simply make those feelings go away, and will instead make them unable to ignore in his despair. The realization that he'll always be chained to human emotions, to love, no matter how much he thinks he can be free of them. And then, the ensuing breakdown from that. Yes, it's extremely fanficky lmao, but that kind of drama makes sense to me for him and them. It's interesting.

There was also the angst angle of Fyodor being immortal, and Nikolai's agenda perhaps stemming from wanting to save him from that, and being able to finally free him from it in the same way he himself wants to be freed. Killing being the ultimate expression of love, not too dissimilar to Mushitarou killing Yokomizo, both putting on an act of being hateful/vengeful/hostile towards the other in order to cope with the fact that deep down they can't bear the thought of them being gone.

But then we got Fyodor's "death" here, and Nikolai's reaction to it was so unbelievably underwhelming and calm that it made me question everything I thought I knew about Asagiri's writing skills him, and what the story is going for with him. And combined with this revelation now that Fyodor is (unsurprisingly!) immortal, but specifically in the way that he can be killed but supposedly resurrects endlessly (which I really like in of itself, don't get me wrong)... it makes me question what exactly Nikolai knows, or will know, and it somewhat destroys the potential angst we could get with them in the end, or at least drastically changes it.

If Nikolai already knows Fyodor can't be killed, that means we'll never get a moment where he tries to kill him and then has to face the fact that he did the deed and it didn't make him feel freed, and he instantly regrets it. It also means we'd never get a moment where he tries to kill him and then discovers he can't truly die, and the ensuing insanity that would occur from that. It also makes me even question the legitimacy of his reaction to Fyodor's "death" here... was it so damn apathetic and lukewarm because he already knows it wasn't permanent? I mean, I'd like an explanation for it feeling so ooc, it would make me feel better about that, but I can't deny that it would be disappointing to have yet another part of this arc that was just an act and not genuine feelings....

Now, that isn't to say that it's impossible to do anything interesting with Nikolai already knowing the truth. He could be wishing to try to attain free will through the illogical pursuit of an impossible task: in this case, killing Fyodor. There's a beautiful, tragic paradox in him wishing to attempt something to gain his freedom that he and we know is impossible, especially if subconsciously he takes solace in the fact that he'd be able to kill Fyodor without actually losing him for good. If Nikolai doesn't already know, assuming he's not dead he's likely going to find out the truth soon when he next sees Fyodor alive and kicking — I can't imagine a way he wouldn't find out. In that case, we wouldn't get the aforementioned scenario where he tries to kill him and discovers it's futile, which is the most juicy to me I won't lie, but I am still fascinated by the idea of how Nikolai will respond just seeing him suddenly alive again and having to process this after having just mourned him. It's interesting to imagine how he might respond to and treat Fyodor after at last knowing how it truly felt to lose him, and realizing how much he didn't want that, and then suddenly having him back. It might cause him to finally understand that his desire for freedom is unobtainable, and cause him to spiral, and fundamentally change their relationship going forward. An eventual tragic end for him such as Fyodor taking over his body would not feel out of place to me in that case, perhaps, but still not until we've had more time to see Nikolai reflect and see his possible change in perspectives.

I don't know, I'm just rambling at this point lmao. I know very well that so much of my expectations and desires for Nikolai and Fyolai are built up from fan content over the years just because there's been nothing else to work with, and that it's unfair to judge what Asagiri decides to do with him/them based on preconceived notions. Whatever he does could still be interesting in the end, even if it's not what I initially wanted or expected, and being open to being surprised is always a good thing. At the end of the day we still know barely anything about Nikolai, so it's not completely fair for me to judge something as ooc for a character we still know so little about.

But... it's because we know so little about him and have gotten so little of him, that at the very least, I'm gonna be really upset if he does die here from being possessed by Fyodor like people are worrying about. I really don't think he will, because I'm pretty confident the helicopter pilot is the one Fyodor swapped with/resurrected in the body of as per soup's theory, and again I'm not saying it wouldn't be fitting eventually... but I really don't want it to happen now. :/ I just think Nikolai still has so much potential as a character and so much more we need to see of him before his likely inevitable and tragic demise (however it happens), so whatever Asagiri decides to do with him I just really, really hope we don't lose him so prematurely; it would honestly be such a tremendous waste imo.

[osachiyo]

I’m a tall girl ( 6’0+ ) and I rarely see any content for us and only if you’re up to it and taking requests could we get bsd men with a tall reader ^-^ feel free to disregard this if you don’t want to !

From 🍰 anon ( if I can be ^^ ) :3

⊹ note. . . as a short girlie this was a lil difficult to write, but I managed ! so sorry abt answering this so late and ofc you can be 🍰 anon, my dear <3

dazai doesn't care about your appearance, he'd love you no matter what you look like. if you're taller than him, he'd still enjoy every single bit of it, of of course. he loves how he doesn't have to strain his shoulders and slouch or bend down to kiss you. will also convince you to tease chuuya together, which eventually becomes one of y'all's favourite couple activity <3

during bed, he definitely won't deny a tall dominant lady, if you're into that. but if you prefer being submissive, he won't mind that either. mans just wants to get his dick wet and touch you, as simple as that..♡

chuuya also doesn't care about your appearance− just don't mention or make jokes about the comical height difference between you both. he'll either sulk about it, or huff and smack you playfully, grumbling something about 'height doesn't matter'. and if you picked him up and threw him over your shoulder− he'd screech and probably thrash around to get out immediately. don't worry though, he'd let you give him piggy-back rides eventually, after a lot of begging. oh and if you like to wear heels? he's not gonna tell you what you can and can't wear but it's gonna be pretty funny when he looks half your size.

in bed, unlike dazai, he'll fight you for dominance. definitely won't let you have the upper hand without some struggle− unless you somehow manage to convince him. will be secretly very into it later, he'd rather die than admit it though. but if you're submissive, he'd love that as well. would take the best care of you..♡

fyodor wouldn't care much about your height, he wants someone who listens to him and is devoted. if you tease him for being shorter than you, his lips would turn into a straight line and he'd sigh, "so? why would that matter to me?" if you wear heels, no you don't. he claims you're already taller than him, there's no need for you to become even more tall. guess he's not as unaffected he said he was, huh?

during sex, as much as it pains me to say this, fyodor will not let you have control no matter what. he desires control control and power, and he will not give that up. do not try to overpower and pin him down, I promise you the punishment is not worth it. of course, he'll let you ride him time to time− you may be on top, but he has the control and he sets the pace; don't get it twisted..♡

nikolai is a pretty big guy himself, so he's not gonna mind if you're really tall. he's gonna love it actually, you're the perfect size for him. you two would be the power couple of yokohama, just imagine terrorizing sigma together with him (ㅅꈍᴗꈍ)ᰔ

he's gonna be pretty flexible in the bedroom, of course. he's almost into anything and everything. not afraid of letting you take the lead ! will take his revenge and pin you down later though, so better keep an eye out for that..♡

©sachiyoh— do not copy, plagiarize and repost my works to any platform, reblogs are very appreciated♡

[ellewritesalright]

Nine Long Years - Part 1

Nikolai Lantsov x Rietveld!reader, Kaz Brekker x sister!Rietveld!reader (platonic)

Masterlist --- Part 2

Synopsis: After watching your brothers die, you found yourself working on the Volkvolny. In the many years since then, you somehow became the queen of Ravka while your brother somehow survived firepox and life in the Barrel, rising through its ranks. In disguise during a diplomatic trip with your husband Nikolai, you meet Kaz Brekker for what you think is the first time, only to find out that he is your long-thought-dead little brother.

Author's Notes: Hi Hello Hi! This is my first time publishing my writings so here goes nothing. I wrote this with the books in mind, though you could still imagine the characters from the show. In my head, this story takes place sometime between Crooked Kingdom and King of Scars. I have much more of this story written including more fluffy Nikolai content than the scraps in this chapter so I will post it if y'all want it (I'm talking about there's-only-one-bed content, mutual-pining-in-silence content, Nikolai being a sophisticated dumbass at times content; it's all great I assure you).

Warnings: Minimal Fluff, Much Angst, Jordie and Kaz's (not really tho) deaths in the past, mentions of panic attacks, mentions of firepox and the Hertzoon con, reader oscillating between super excited and absolutely devastated.

Word Count: 2,800

..........

NINTH YEAR

The Crow Club was a new establishment since you had last walked the streets of the Barrel many years ago. You could remember going past the front of the building on your way to the exchange, but you couldn't recall it being anything but vacant. Back then there were no tourists and gamblers crawling about the place like there were now. It was just as empty as the coffee shop where a dreadful man conned you and your brothers.

You tapped your fingers against the table. In your glass of kvas, you could see your false reflection. This voyage aboard the Volkvolny was the first time your face was tailored to appear unlike your own. At first, Tolya did not make the drastic differences that he employed with your husband; he made more subtle differences with you. Shifts in the eyebrows and the cheekbones, the reshaping of your jaw. Nikolai hadn't been convinced that you looked different enough to be safe, though, so the colour of your eyes and hair were changed and your nose was just slightly offset for extra measure.

Nikolai was staring at you now with the green eyes of Sturmhond. His appearance as the privateer did not make you uneasy, not in the way you assumed your altered appearance was making him, and you smiled as he squeezed your knee beneath the table.

You had met him first as Sturmhond, so you were used to the red hair and crooked nose. After many months at sea on an assortment of ships, you got a permanent spot on the crew of the Volkvolny. It was the ship's first time docked in the Ketterdam harbours, and its captain was a young scoundrel, or so your coworkers had said during the first week at sea.

"He looks too young to be captain of a ship. How did he get his money, eh?" A crewmate bristled as you stood on the deck. This man looked as weathered as some of the sails on the boats in the shabby fifth harbour.

"Heard he stole his wealth off a Zemeni gunsmith," another crewmate said.

"Yeah? Well, I heard he was a Ravkan mercenary who did contract killings for their king." The older one turned to you. "What do you think, kid?"

"I think that I don't care where he made his money as long as he pays my wages." You drew your eyes up from your knot. "Besides, you shouldn't believe everything you hear."

"A very wise sentiment, Rietveld," Sturmhond boomed from behind you.

He snuck up without a word, and now your crewmates stood wide-eyed as they stared at their captain. You turned to see him watching the others, a glint of amusement in his eyes.

"You might have heard I made my money in magical deer shit, but that doesn't mean it's true."

Then he peered at you with a smirk, called on the others to get back to work, and walked away.

Nikolai gave you that same look now, his gloved hand secure on your thigh. You knew the raised brow and quirked lips all too well. More often than not, the combination spelled trouble. Yet you supposed trouble wasn’t difficult to find in the Barrel. 

A bouncer approached your table and spoke only briefly, “Brekker will see you now,” before escorting your group across the floor of the gambling den.

Sturmhond entered first with you second and Tamar behind you. Your husband smiled as he looked towards a figure seated behind a desk. He approached diplomats, noblemen, and criminals in the same way, with charm, eloquence, and a warm smile. You held back your amusement at that thought, suppressing a smile of your own as you glanced around the room. The paintings and decor looked expensive, and you had to wonder how much of it was stolen. 

“The guy’s a ruthless thief and con,” Nikolai had said when he got home after meeting Brekker for the first time.

You were stuck in Ravka planning your wedding during his trip; it was a dreadful time, and you guilted Nikolai into explaining every little detail of his little journey across the True Sea.

“You might like him, though. He’s got more honour than the merchant council and the rest of those Barrel bosses combined.”

And now you were here in his office. The figure at the desk got out of his chair, and the movement caught your eye. The cheery expression on Sturmhond had not rubbed off on the man, and he stood with his features as hard as a rock. You examined his face, noted the scars that no doubt came from street fights and brawls in the dead of night, and then you looked at his eyes. There was something about them. The dark brown was something you had seen before, perhaps when you were first here in Ketterdam. You met so many people during that time.

When his stare fell on you your throat felt dry. He had the eyes of a calculating lynx, a predator about to ensnare his prey. You knew he was aware of Sturmhond’s true identity, but you weren’t sure if he would correctly assume your position in Ravka. You had only been the queen for a few months, and bills with your likeness had not yet been printed. Few people outside of Ravka could identify you, and fewer still could when you were tailored to fit your new sea-faring alias.

Still, his eyes made you uneasy. You knew them somehow, you just had to know them; but how?

“Tamar, Bos,” Sturmhond said, springing you from the trappings of Brekker’s eyes, “meet my associate, Kaz Brekker.”

There it was, and it hurt as much as being attacked by a volcra. You had taken blows to the gut that didn’t make you as sick as you felt now.

The pain was twofold. Firstly, when either of your dead brother’s names was mentioned you always felt a bitter pain in the pit of your stomach, an acidic burning that twisted your insides like a poison you would quickly succumb to. Your littlest brother was named Kaz, same as the Kaz before you. Seven years your junior, Kaz was too sweet for the cutthroat world around him. Back at the farm, you used to tuck him under your arm and read him stories so he would fall asleep. He was a bright and enthusiastic boy who always made sure to share his sweets with you, even if Da rarely bought them.

But the pain of hearing Kaz’s name was nothing compared to the crushing realization that this was him standing in front of you, all grown up, and very much alive. 

His birthday was last week, and you celebrated it alone with a moment of silence below deck of the Volkvolny. At that moment you thought to yourself how he would have been eighteen by now, how he could have attended the university and gotten a better education than anyone in your family ever had, how he could have had a full life if he didn’t succumb to the pox.

Yet here he was; eighteen and looking worn beyond his years, his life in the barrel undoubtedly having treated him with the cruelty it kept in vast supply. 

“Bos?” Sturmhond patted your shoulder. “Are you listening?”

You turned your attention to him. “I might have missed what you last said, could you repeat yourself?”

“Perhaps your friend should wait outside if she can’t pay attention,” Kaz suggested with a scowl. Was it really him? You had never seen Kaz make such a face at you.

“No,” you rushed to say. After almost nine years of thinking he was dead, you needed every second you could get with your brother. “It was only a momentary lapse. Please, continue.”

They did, and you tried your hardest to listen. You caught snippets of what they were saying, enough to piece things together if your mind strayed, but you were only giving half of your attention. Your eyes kept wandering off course, studying the boy you thought to be dead.

He stepped up to a map on his wall as he spoke with your husband, and you didn't miss the limp in his step. Was that something he got a long time ago or was it new? Did he sustain it when he was taken by the reaper's barge? And how had he survived? You held him and Jordie as they died, but if Kaz was here before you, was Jordie alive too?

No, you shouldn't get your hopes up. And you shouldn't let your mind race with questions like these. Surely you could approach him, ask him whatever you could think of. But you were frozen as you took in the revelation. There was no way you could approach him with it now--you would be incoherent.

Still, as you sat there you had no other thought in your head besides the boy you'd played parent to after Da died.

It was a miracle that Kaz was standing in front of you, breathing and with the flush of life in his healthy–if a little pale–skin. It was a miracle, and a miracle was more than you thought your family could ever have after all the misfortune you'd suffered. But if there was anyone who deserved a miracle, it was sweet little Kaz.

..........

The meeting finished, Kaz dismissed you from his office, and you felt the disappointment sink in. There was no reason for Kaz to recognize you while you were tailored, but you still hoped he would somehow know anyways. He was your brother, and he knew you better than many. Though perhaps, like him, you had changed as well. It had been almost nine years, after all.

Either way, you followed Nikolai back to the Volkvolny, elation in your step, and nervous dread splashing in your stomach. Nikolai was a few paces ahead--busily engaged in conversation with Tolya--while Tamar kept step beside you, seemingly in silent argument with herself every time you glanced at her. As you reached the harbour, she finally spoke up.

"Bos," she started, maintaining your identity despite the absence of witnesses around you. "Your heartbeat has been erratic since you saw Brekker."

You gulped, a move you regrettably realized the heartrender would know of.

"It keeps speeding up like a racehorse then lulling below your usual beats per minute. In the meeting, I kept thinking you might pass out."

"I'm alright, Tamar," you assured her, though you felt your heart speed up a bit as you kept away the truth. "I feel better than I have in a while, actually."

"Is that so?" Her eyes were skeptical.

"It is."

She dropped the topic as you reached the Volkvolny. 

You went right to the captain's cabin, eager to have Nikolai to yourself so you could share the exciting–if not bizarre–news. You wasted no time stripping off your heavy coat and tugging off your boots. Nikolai would take his time as captain of the ship, checking with the crew to make sure everything was in shape before he joined you, so you sat down on the bed, face in your hands as you considered your evening at the Crow Club. 

"He's alive," you grinned into your palms. "My baby brother is alive."

The thought was all you could think of, and even as you heard Nikolai's boots coming down the hall, everything besides Kaz was so distant to you.

"The meeting went rather well, I think," Nikolai said as he shut the door behind him. He came to sit with you. "But you were very quiet all night. Are you alright, my love?"

"Better than alright."

"I'm glad to hear that. It didn't seem like that earlier; you looked like you'd seen a ghost."

You looked at Nikolai. "That's because I did." You played with the most ornate of his rings, bringing his hand to rest between yours. "I’ve told you about my brothers, Nikolai. Do you remember their names?"

"Yes, Jordie and… Kaz." He looked at you, realization dawning in his eyes. "You don't think–"

"I don't think, I know. It’s him, I just know it. He’s my baby brother, Niko." You grinned and flopped back onto the bed. It was firmer than the one in your palace suite, but you’d grown accustomed to the roughness again on this voyage after a few years away from this cabin. "Saints, I need to see him again."

Nikolai glanced away from you, silent for a moment as if in debate with himself. "My love, I don't think that’s a very good idea. I know Brekker, and he’s nothing like the stories you’ve told me of your brother. I think seeing him again--seeing how he’s changed--would only upset you."

You sat up again, staring directly into Nikolai’s eyes.

"What upsets me is that my husband doesn’t think I should reunite with the only family I have left," you scoffed.

"I know you want to see him, I'm just afraid you'll be disappointed."

"I thought he was dead, but now he's alive. There is no way he could disappoint me.” You grabbed your husband's hands, squeezing them gently as you faced your body towards him.  “He's alive, Nikolai."

He sighed. "People can die in many different ways, not only when they stop living."

"You think he's so vicious of a criminal that I would rather he be dead?"

"Well, no, I just…"

"You just what, Nikolai?"

"I don't want you to get hurt." He brushed his thumb over your knuckles. "I know the nightmares you used to get about your brothers, I know how helpless they made you feel. I’d hate for you to feel that way ever again.”

Your stare fell to his most gaudy ring. It sat in place of his usual wedding ring, which was safely tucked on a chain beneath his shirt just as your wedding ring rested on a chain beneath yours.

He wasn’t wrong about your nightmares. He’d seen you on your worst nights, held you close as you sobbed into his chest. He watched you in the depths of agony, your lungs on fire and your stomach knotted so tightly you probably wouldn’t feel a bullet tearing into your flesh. And although the nightmares weren’t as frequent or debilitating as they once were, you sometimes still woke up crying from a dream of two boys that deserved more from their short lives.

But there was nothing that would make you want to abandon Kaz again. This meeting was a chance to redeem yourself. You could make amends for not protecting Kaz or Jordie as you should have. You could hold Kaz and never part with him unlike when you let the bargemen roll your brothers’ bodies away. This was a second chance you wouldn’t give up.

“Nikolai,” you began, sturdy in your words, “I know you’re concerned for me, and I understand why, but this is something I have to do. I can’t walk away from this trip without as much as a word to my brother when I’ve thought him dead all this time. Even if it turns out that he isn't what I remember, at least I’ll get to speak with him again, to tell him I love him and that I’m sorry I couldn’t protect him.”

“The firepox wasn’t your fault,” he murmured. Nikolai often repeated this to you whenever you felt guilty or woke up trembling in the night.

“I know.” You rested your head against his shoulder. “I know, but I was still supposed to be the big sister; I was still supposed to keep them safe.” Peering up at him, you said, “I just hope he can forgive me.”

“Why would he need to forgive you?”

“Because I left him for dead in a place crawling with liars and cheats. Saints know what he went through without anyone around to care about him.”

You said this as though the saints deigned to look after anyone in the barrel. No higher power was seeing Kaz through his years here, you were sure of that.

“We can go to him again tomorrow,” Nikolai said. “But for now, we should rest.”

There was no way of knowing how Kaz would react when he learned who you were, but you stayed optimistic as you readied for bed. You imagined hugging him, holding him in your arms again for the first time in so many years. You’d exchange stories of your lives without each other. Perhaps he would be amused that you had somehow gone from a farmer’s daughter to a pirate to the queen of Ravka in your time apart; saints knew you were still a bit bewildered by it all.

You tossed and turned quite a bit, and you knew you were keeping Nikolai awake too, but you couldn’t help your excited mind. Eventually, you sidled up to your husband–who was ready to wrap his arms around you in an attempt to keep you still–put your head on his chest, and listened to the familiar pumping of his heartbeat.

Tomorrow could not come soon enough.

..........

A/N: Thanks for reading! Feel free to like, reblog, and comment if you want to read more! Otherwise, I hope you have a great day/night :)

Part 2

[deonsx]

If They Take Care Of You When You Get Sick

Feat: Dazai, Chuuya, Ranpo, Fyodor, Nikolai

Dazai Osamu

He really is very cautious in taking care of his one and only bella, He will hug you and give you lots of kisses regardless of your sickness, we know how bad he is at cooking but what will he do in a situation where he has to cook right now?

He thought about ordering food but didn't think it would be healthy so he tried making soup on his own from the cooking videos he really gave him full attention just to look at you, he ditched his job

"My beautiful bella, if anything happens to you, I would never be able to live" He's a real drama creator “Osamu I'm fine you're exaggerating"

I can imagine him holding you in his arms and not letting you walk "My love I can walk" You were told to him, His eyes were squinting looking at you "Still I will take care of you in the best of circumstances"

While you were sleeping, the moonlight hit your face and he watched you sleep, his eyes searched everywhere, he couldn't believe that he had found that true love and that she was lying in his bed like an angel right now "My beautiful angel"

Chuuya Nakahara

He's truly a masterpiece and he's a master at these, I can tell you he's the only man with excellent taste. He cooks with show even when You sick, which makes you smile, She takes her temperature every 10 minutes, pays a lot of attention, water bag and many things, pills, injections, serums, they are all here just for you now

He does 2-3 jobs at the same time, when you don't have control at home, things are only balanced by his power. You offered to call a doctor to the house, but he refused, "I'm the one who wants to take care of you, no one else is needed"

Of course he doesn't care if you're sick to kiss you too, he just lays you on his lap and watches you sleep, You rested your head on his orange hair and you fell asleep with his beautiful harmonizing perfume "My princess, I will always take care of you"

Ranpo Edogawa

No matter how cute and frivolous your boyfriend is, everything stops when it comes to you "I'll give you candy if you get better dear" you laughed at what he said "Ranpo I'm not a kid"

"I'm sure you will love it my love"he left kisses on your head, stroked your hair with his hands and tried to tell you a fairy tale "Once upon a time a princess..." He chose a beautiful story to put you to sleep

He can be very distracted while he cooks because you are the reason for making the food here, if you leave the room he is in and try to do anything while he is cooking he will scold you "Where were you s / he while I was cooking" he really asked you with a stupid seriousness on his face

"My love I just went out on the balcony" Ranpo shook his head disapprovingly "My wisdom instinct tells me you stood up for the laundry" He's not really serious at all. "If you try to get up again, I'll have to tie you to the bed in handcuffs, honey, be nice"

Fyodor Dostoyevski

He may indeed be the most normal lover among them, but just because he's normal doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, But of course he was interested in your illness and he wasn't that indifferent. "You still have a high fever, you need to take medicine dear"

He wasn't the best at cooking, he only cooked when it was absolutely necessary, but he wanted the best for you and brought home a chef who never took his money into consideration, yet you know how rich he is "The chef will make you 4-5 different main courses, if you don't like any of them just tell me my love"

He also considered calling a doctor home but didn't want to put you at any risk afterward because he had too many enemies, He left his job halfway just for you and took the best precautions for your recovery He tried every hour to heal you with special pills and serums "I don't know if you have any medical experience?"you asked him with a laugh. "Just for you, my dear”

Nikolai Gogol

"Darling please don't die yet we'll live a long life with you" He said stroking and kissing you "Ohh I'm fine please let me mind my business" "This is not possible, my love, I hired servants for you.." he spoke to you "Servants??" As soon as you asked, the door of the house opened and two women and two men entered. "People here will take care of your food, cleaning and your illness."

Your eyes really opened in surprise, you were expecting something, but you didn't think that he would exaggerate everything so much, He did make you feel like you were a princess in a castle, he was constantly teleporting around the house bringing you a water bag, ice cloth and a lot of things

He told you about his childhood while you were lying on a bed and you memorized everything he said word for word, he was saying it to sleep you, but when he turned his head to you he saw that you were not sleeping "My beautiful love is still listening to me?”

Enjoy!

I want to write them more as a father the time he spends with his children and his wife

[iridescentdove]

Fyodor, Nikolai & Sigma w/ Elysia! Reader

Elysia is the Herrscher of Human Ego in Honkai Impact. She is a girl as beautiful as dancing petals, and holds the power which is comparable to a God itself.

Her personality is cheerful and sweet-loving, Elysia cares about her friends and everyone else dearly. She's elegant, unique, and is a person who enjoys everything.

Soukoku, Atsushi & Ranpo Ver. ♡ Port Mafia Ver.

FYODOR DOSTOVESKY:

Let's get one thing out the pocket first, i hate this rat mf to hell and beyond so let's start shall we? <3

GODDAMN THIS GIF MAKES ME PUNCH PUNCH

He's full of intrigue. Fyodor hasn't seen you yet in full action, and begins to question and anticipate the day he finally meets you face-to-face.

As a bitch man with a God complex, this dude would take it slightly lightly.

I mean, how much better could you be?

Could you really stand against him for long?

And to a much unexpected surprise, his imagination was far off from what he had thought.

How pretty you are. As you always described yourself 'a girl as beautiful as dancing petals', his pride made him not want to admit such...but he did agree later on.

What made him feel a change of emotion was how sweet and carefree you were. You're beautiful, and kind.

Maybe he began to think more differently.

He'd definitely tried to kill you with his ability the first time you met UGH THIS LITTLEPIECEOF–

You were obviously skeptical and sensed something from him, being as he was so keen on shaking your hand as you remained with a soft smile.

Fyodor anticipated you to die to the effects. To witness all the power he possibly had.

But fortunate to unfortunate, your demise never came.

That was when he began to observe you more. And to his own surprise, he fell in love. In no way did he expect to do so, and more importantly to a God. Impossible.

Fyodor witnessed your full power sooner or later, and your God Form that sent everyone levitating ABOVE FR

Every inch of you from top to bottom was perfect.

And so the obsession begins. He's definitely created his own cult or had worshipped you to no end. Fyodor won't stop praying no matter the time of day.

Waking up and going to sleep, before and after he eats, even when the slightest misfortune comes up.

He'll speak to you like you're not just a God. You're his God.

Fyodor slowly comes aware and accepts that you're like, probably over a thousands times stronger. But then again it doesn't matter anymore.

He just wants you to stay still, and be pretty.

Just seal it with a kiss <3

Fuckingholdmebackbeforeikillthisfucker,revivehim,andthenkillhimagainbecauseDAMNiwannastranglehim

NIKOLAI GOGOL:

Me to Fyodor: Ew fuck off

Me to literally Nikolai, Sigma & everyone else: Aww i love you guys sm and i'll do everything in my ability to make you happy and feel loved so have a cookie and my–

So, first of all, you met him while feeding the birds. It was a fun little hobby you were doing nowadays.

Plus, you loved animals! So why not?

Nikolai found himself staring at you the longer you kept at it, and took in your features that were so unique. He's never seen anyone like you around.

Dude tried to walk up to you and ask if you were real

We'd all know he ain't really sane so let's just say that the first encounter was a little strange. But still, you didn't back off and kept talking to him so...nicely?

Why? He found this curious, and had asked you a few things while talking. But then again, it didn't last.

Took you to Fyodor right after lmao

You'd told him barely a thing about your "ability", but he had that feeling it was nothing so normal. Plus why tf are you wearing such a revealing outfit...in summer.

Don't judge that's just Elysia's Pink Elf outfit bae

Thought Fyodor found you useful, although hesitated a bit for the first time ever. He, deep down, didn't want to involve you. And when Fyodor tried to use his ability on you..

It didn't work. This caused him and Sigma to really question your own existence knowing how it was impossible.

Then the big reveal. Nikolai grew fond of you. He, as seeing you were such a beautiful, powerful omnipotent God - never did he leave your side and continued worshipping you.

Oh, an your God Form? He lives for it, really. Finds you even more beautiful than you already are.

Nikolai loves touching your soft hair...and maybe something else that's soft- ahem

Someone insulted you? They went missing the next day! You're hungry? Suddenly there's food at your doorstep. You're buying new clothes? He's already there beside you.

Holding you against his chest, Nikolai's cold heart began seeking for the warmth known as you.

And no matter what, he's never gonna leave you <3

"Quiz time! Who is my one and only beloved?...Correct! Ahaha. I love you, (Y/N)."

SIGMA:

He's normally stoic around you, and acts just as how he does with everyone else. But oh, he's definitely not glancing at you every few minutes, admiring your beauty, looki–

Let's just say he's a bit more silent. He's definitely affected by you somewhat, and honestly who wouldn't?

You knew he owned a casino, so you began visiting.

Sigma had seen you walking up to customers and just chatting, being nice. Greeting them, and even offering a present you got on the way.

You were honest, and something so rare - so pure. It was so impossible to be innocent in this world.

But you proved him wrong in every way. No bad intention.

Sigma fell for you the moment it clicked. You're so pretty, so loveable, so sweet. And he didn't want to admit it but you're the only one brightening his day.

He looks forward to your visits at the casino, and even gets you a drink that's specifically for you - only for you.

It's a pretty, sparkly pink lemonade drink with a purple gradients - and sweet whipped cream. Topped off with (f/c) sprinkles and a small slice of lemon on the side.

He had named it after you. And you've never seen something so beautiful - you didn't even want to drink it.

During a mishap, you and Sigma had run into trouble. It was then occuring to you that he was hurt very badly.

You wanted nothing but to help him. Sigma had felt it, the full, extreme omnipotent power - only possible to be acquired as that of a true God.

Your God Form overwhelmed him to some extent, but he didn't care later on. You were breathtaking.

Since you loved humanity so dearly, he silently wished that you loved him as well.

Maybe his love even rivals your own.

A girl, more beautiful than dancing petals.

Sigma doesn't show it much, but he's awestruck. And with how deeply in love he is with you anyways, don't be surprised if you find yourself with a ring on your finger.

[quijabored]

OKAY SO I JUST FINISHED WATCHING LIKE THE ENTIRETY OF S3 FOR BSD SO UH SPOILERS FOR A LOT OF IT BUT ESPECIALLY THE ENDING CUZ HOOOLYYY SHIIITTTTT

I JUST

I CANT PUT MY THOUGHTS DOWN INTO COHERANT SENTANCES SO LIVE LAUGH BULLETPOINTS ((o(^∇^)o))

OKAY SO AKUTAGAWA AND ATSUSHI???

THEYRE GONNA WORK TOGETHER ARENT THEY I JUST KNOW DAMN WELL DAZAIS GONNA LIKE MAKE IT SO THEYRE COINCIDENTALLY PAIRED UP TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF A GUY

ALSO THE PROMISE ATSUSHI HAD AKUTAGAWA MAKE??? FYM AKUTAGAWA CANT KILL PEOPLE HES IN THE *PORT MAFIA.*

Just realizing I don't know how to do the whole colored text or different font thingy BUT ANYWAYS

STILL I LOVE ATSUSHI FOR THAT AND SINCE IT WAS MADE WITH A GOAL IN MIND, I REALLY HOPE I GET TO SEE AKUTAGAWA DEVELOPMENT

AAAAHHHH HES SO SILLY I LOVE AKUTAGAWA HES MY SON

SPEAKING OF SONS

IVAN??? HES SO ME LIKE HE IS SO ME????

ASAGIRI WAS SPYING ON ME WHEN MAKING IVAN FR

Funny thing when I first started getting into the fandom bit for bsd and I saw Fyodor being simped on I was like "eeehh I mean I guess hes cool but I dont really get it. Like sure hes an interesting character but..." AND THEN I SLOWLY STARTED BECOMING A FYODOR SIMP AND I JUST SKDHKSJD I HATE THAT MAN I HATE THAT MAN HES SUCH AN ASSHOLE

please I love him so much hes such a bitch I hate him I love him so much

"If Fyodor told me to cut my skin off I would" FUCKING SAME

ALSO AAAAAA THE ENTIRE TIME LIKE I WAS JUST STIMMING LIKE IM TELLING YOU IT WAS AJSHSKDJSJ

I HAVENT HYPERFIXATED ON A SERIES LIKE THIS SINCE THE PROMISED NEVERLAND (Specifically the manga. Miss you Yuugo)

AAAAAA ALSO THE FACT THAT CHUUYAS JUST STUCK IN POES STORY??

AND POE BEING LIKE "But if Ranpo were to die what would be my reason for living..." LIKE HELLO??? I LOVE MY OTHER SON (Poe)

AND AND AND FYODOR???? AHHHHHH HES SUCH A BITCH I LOVE HIM

THIS MOTHERFUCKER WAS REALLY COMMUNICATING QITH MUSIC??? ALSO THE SURPRISED AND SHOCKED LOOK AT THE END WHEN DAZAI FOUND HIM??

I KNOW WE SEE MORE OF HIM LATE BUT FUCK

ALSO FYODORS ABILITY?? From what I saw it seems that it's just kill by touch but if Dazais like "welp, idk" then I'm guessing it's a bit more complicated than that AND I AM SO EXCITED TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS AAAA

Also Mori and Fukuzawa did the sskk punchy thingy they did in the end of S2!! I'm not sure if people ship them (I refuse to take in any content about Mori) but if people do then win for them :D

Also Im extremely excited to see Nikolai cuz hes me minus the Ukrainian terrorist bit BUT AAAA I HOPE I GET TO SEE HIM SOON

JUST SEARCHED IT UP ITS S4 EP 5 AND AAAAAA

I can't watch BSD until tommorow now cuz I wanna have a minute to process everything BUT AAAA I CANT WAIT TO WATCH S4

Fyodor made me feel so many ways I love him

AAAAAAA OKAY SO MY FAVORITE BOY (Akutagawa) IS ALSO SUPER SILLY THOUGHOUT THIS WHOLE THING LIKE

THE SCENE WHERE ITS LIKE "Are you sure youre the real Akutagawa?"

"Yeah."

"...And youre not gonna try and kill me?"

"Yeah."

"What did you have for breakfast?"

"Yeah."

LIKE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

Live laugh love Dazai but FUCK MAN AKUTAGAWAS TRAUMATIZED

Like don't get me wrong I love Aku how he is and I'm gonna love him more when I learn more about his character, but god damn it hurts to watch him seem so reliant on Dazais praise and Dazais approval like akdjkajsdj Ive been there my boy :(

ALSO I FEEL SO BAD FOR KUNIKIDA LIKE HE HAD TO GO THROUGH SO MUCH THIS SEASON

I PROBABLY HAVE OTHER THINGS TO SAY BUT AHDKSJDKWBD I LOVE BSD AND I CANT REMEMBER WHAT ELSE I WANTED TO YAP ABOUT BUT AAAAHHH ASAGIRI WHEN I CATCH YOU ASAGIRI- ASAGIRI WHEN I CATCH YOU-

Twas talking about this scene earlier btw :3

AH ALSO WHEN FYODOR GOT SMASHED WITH A WINE BOTTLE??? HELLO??? I LOVE HIM BUT I STARTED LAUGJING AT THE SCENE

[hannigramislife]

I am not a dazai hater by any means, but you talk so respectfully (and make a lot of sense) about your opinions on him I can't help but really enjoy your blog! I particularly loved your ship opinions posts. Any other characters you want to share ship opinions on?

Hi friend!!

I'm glad I came off as respectful and left a positive impression on you! I do a lot of shit-posting about Dazai, but I do feel like I am at least fair to him when I am analyzing his actions? Other times, yeah, I'm just indulging in my desire to beat him bloody. Just, like, once. To get it out of my system XD. For science.

And the ship posts! Those were soooo fun to make. And oh, let me think about any other ships and my thoughts on them...

Fyolai (Fyodor / Nikolai) – Remember how I was like "there's just some things you don't write if you don't want people to ship two characters?" This is another case. This is the reason I disagree with people that go like "bsd is the only manga where no ships are necessary," like bro, there's so many things wrong with that sentence. It is absolutely necessary to make a bond such as these two's feel almost tangible to the viewers. It is essential to understand Nikolai's emotional dependance on Fyodor as a driving factor to his actions. Nikolai is orbiting around him, and you can see Fyodor having a genuine interest in this man, who doesn't play a big role in his grand plans. To me, these two feel kinda like Soukoku? Something something "the stars aligned so we could meet." 10/10 ship.

Ranpoe (Ranpo / Poe) – What God do I need to pray to in oder to get about 50 OVAs with these two?? Season 4 Ranpoe was the biggest treat and gift to me, personally. I love love love their dynamic so much. Like, yeah, Poe idolizes Ranpo, but he is now just as much in Ranpo's radar as well! Ranpo imprinted on him, he is Ranpo's emotional support rich boyfriend for fuck's sake. The way Ranpo uses his ability seamlessly?? Like it belongs to him?? Like he's so goddamn comfortable with it?? And what about the, "What would I do with myself if Ranpo-kun were to die..?” They're literally soulmates. They met and clicked so hard, they found each other, they suit each other, they complete each other. 10 million/10.

AtsuLucy (Atsushi / Lucy) – Firstly, I love Lucy, I think she's a great character, I love her design and personality and ability and everything. My baby. However, I have no particular attachment to this ship. It's not bad, and it's perfectly valid, but I don't see like- a need for it, you know? They understand each other, have stuff in common, and impacted each other's lives; I do love when two characters save each other left and right, so kudos for that. Honestly, they seem like they'd be absolutely amazing friends, really close, and honestly, I would love to see Atsushi have such a friendship, I think it would be good for him, but personally I don't see them in a romantic light. 9/10 ship due to the lack of feels I got from their interactions.

HiguGin (Higuchi / Gin) – I think that they're amazing and I would die for them. I need a spin-off of them. I need at least a whole WAN episode of them going on a date and shopping and eating ice cream and training and going to the beach– basically everything because they'd have the best relationship ever. I can just see them cuddling on a couch and watching TV as sskk fight over the last dumping in the kitchen. I need more about them like I need air. Also, petition for Beast Higuchi and Beast Gin to take over the Mafia. For reasons. 10/10 ship.

FukuMori (Fukuzawa / Mori) – Yeah, yeah, they're divorced Double Black and whatever, but let's be real for a second; no one can convince me that when Fukuchi first showed up, y'all's reaction was not, "Hold on a second Fukuzawa, what about your husband?!" The way Fukuchi behaved with Ranpo screamed new boyfriend trying to gain the son's approval, I was dying XD. "But Fukuchi knew Fukuzawa first!!" Yeah, yeah, I don't care– I'm not a zskk shipper until Fukuchi enters the screen. Let Fukuzawa and Mori be the yin and yang pillars of Yokohama. 9/10 ship because Mori is *sigh* a bad guy. Sad.

Odango (Oda / Ango) – They are married. No, I will not accept criticism. This is canon to me.

KuniBram (Kunikida / Bram) – My sister has decided they're also married and coparenting, so the conclusion is that they're married and coparenting.

I can't think of any ships right now, but do mention if there's one you like that I have missed!

(Honorary Mention: Dead Apple Trio) – So, we agree they fucked, right?? That wasn't subtext in the slightest, that was the greatest amount of subtle and yet ostentatious display of repressed homosexuality I've seen since SuperWhoLock hit this website. Dazai did not look that good to simply not be pushed against a table/wall. That's a disservice to him.

[mayuichi]

“If I die in the process, will you join me?„

Nikolai Gogol x Reader ⟡ Warning : slight yandere behavior (kinda) I suppose??

note: i'm sorry for every Nikolai simps if i made him ooc, i really tried my best (and i think he's okay??). i still hope you can enjoy it!!

Official art from the anime.

You were pouting at him when he shoved a candy inside your mouth. It makes you gasp, chewing on it. He laughs at you, clearly mocking. You are about to make a comeback when he stands up to go to the bathroom. You blink a few times.

You don't even remember how you two ended up befriending one another. Wasn't he supposed to piss you off ? Well, he still does. But there was something more perhaps. You are his safe space, one where he can act however the hell his heart tells him to. And he is your home.

Wherever you are, as long as he's with you, then it means you belong there. You could be on the other side of the earth, if he's there, you'd be fine. You aren't properly dating though. You know, that step where no one dares to make a move.

It's so obvious though. The feelings you have for him are pouring out of your heart. Even a blind man could see it. And the way he acts with you is nowhere close to how he can even act toward Sigma. Not even close to how he treats Fyodor.

There is something about you he couldn't explain, yet he wants to comprehend it. No, he needs to. He can't spend a day without thinking a hundred times about your expression, your shy laugh whenever he's around. But he wants to hear you burst in laugh. Why can he only hear it when there's the others ? Can't he be the only one to hear it ?

He needs to know why you can't act entirely like yourself. But he knows. He knows but he doesn't understand. If you love him, can't he be the only one who sees your brightess smile, hears your most sincere laugh?

He'd be a liar to look in your eyes and say he doesn't want to wake up next to you every morning. You are the reason why he's feeling weaker recently. And he loves it. He craves for that sensation, that safety near you. Why are you so special ? He had so much plan with the Decay of Angels, why did you joined and ruined it all ?

But he can't bring himself to push you away. He wants you as much as you do. You're addicted to one another, and there's no way back now. He would kill you if he couldn't be all you need.

... You were supposed to hate each other. You were finding him over the top, and he was thinking you're too simple. But there you both are.

Sitting in his apartment for the last few days before changing place. Picking on each other, just to be annoying. He is the best though, he always manages to piss you off. But do you actually mind ? Probably not.

You sigh, walking up to the small tree. In fact, it was a tiny Christmas tree in a pot. You couldn't do a big one when you need to leave each place so often. You all did it. You managed to all be here to make it and have dinner together. For once you wouldn't be at one another's throat, trying to strangle them. It's hard to get along with them.

Nikolai insisted on placing sweets around the pot, and some candy canes with the garlands. They all let him do so. Why would they say no anyway? It isn't like they'll be the one to be in the apartment a lot.

You stare at the red and white sweet. You can't lie, the colors remind him somehow. He haunts your mind, isn't he ? You reach out to take one in your hand. He's like sugar, addictive and intoxicating. He would definitely be more likely to be the reason of your death. But you don't mind it.

Hearing footsteps coming closer to you, you turn around to see his tall figure hovering over you. He leans closer, to take a candy over the table. At the same time, he skillfully steals the one in your hand. Placing the small candy on his tongue, he inspects the one that caught your attention earlier.

He hums, a faint smirk appearing. “It reminds me of you. You are as sweet as this candy cane. I want to cherish it, and devour it. Just like with you. I bet you'd taste as good. Sugary like, or perhaps more like a cotton candy?„

He approaches, until you become stuck in between him and the wall. His hand creeps to your jaw, gripping tightly on it as the playful light in his eye disappear. “Why can't you laugh the loudest with me ? I'd do anything for you. I'd even die. Wouldn't you do the same ?„

Any sane person would try to escape that situation. Perhaps you aren't as sane as you thought you were, compared to them. You may be as bad as them. Your gaze faltering, your shoulders sagging, you can barely keep looking at him.

“No.. I would. Of course I would... But I may be scared to make you think I am not good enough...„ you admit. After all, who could be enough for a clown?

A deep, low chuckle emits from him. His finger tracing your face, and stops at your nose. “Do you think so ? Have I not been clear enough?„ he gives a gentle pinch, freeing you. He picks a few candies on the table, sitting down on the sofa once again.

He pats the seat beside him, hurrying you to join him. “If I die in the process, will you join me?„ you don't expect such a dark talk around such a joyful period. But he is right. You take place beside him, hesitantly placing your hand over his.

Without even speaking, he already knows your answer. It's so obvious. A playful smile covers his stern look, and he leans to press his head against your shoulder. “That's what I thought. That's why you are the only one who'd suit me.„

Everyone is sure of his feelings for you. If anyone were to deny it, they'd be such fools. But yours, even if pouring out, you would deny it. You know they're real, but you can't trust your feelings. You want to deny them. And he knows it.

He undoes the paper around the candy cane, before tapping it against your lips. “I'll be waiting for you to be sure. Even if it takes years, I'll be waiting. But don't let me die without letting me know I haven't been delusional.„ he half heartedly jokes.

You could guess what was going in his head. And why he left to the bathroom for several minutes earlier. He didn't wanted to snap at you, not when you are so vulnerable. So he had to bring himself back together.

He squeezes your hand, and you squeeze it back. “... I won't. I promise. Let me just a few more days...„ you breath out, and he nods.

“If you can make someone such as I, a clown, be so weak, then you shouldn't be fret about the truth in my words.„ he closes his eyes, sliding the sweet past your lips.

“Thus is the truth about your clown, lovesick for you.„

/ᐠ - ˕ •マ Ⳋ mayuichi's property. do not repost, copy or translate it without permission.

[wizardfrog69]

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Other polyamorous relationships including Fyodor

Fyodor x reader x Nikolai

Fyodor Dostoevsky x Sigma x Nikolai Gogol x reader

♡Headcannons♡

What Halloween costume they would wear

Happy Halloween

No nut November

Bsd characters comforting the reader during/after a sensory overload

Crocheting/knitting hobby

Christmas gifts

What being in a relationship with them feels like

Did you have a nice dream?

I don’t know what title to give this so here is a random song, hope you enjoy the song which is in no way relevant to the thing I’m about to write

Sick s/o

S/o with pmdd

Love song

Summer wine

A secret ability

What happened

Parenting

Side effects

Intelligence

Clingy s/o

Don't you try and escape

S/o who's Emotional on their period.

Switching clothes

Manipulative lovers made in hell

Mother tongue

hyperactive-impulsive adhd

I worry for you

Horror movies

Meeting your family

Belly dancing

A mastermind who isn't evil

A gift for you

Feelings

What is it called again?

Yandere s/o

Gentle love

I'm sorry i couldn't protect you

Sassy s/o

Yandere lovers

Toxic relationships

Lily

s/o with back problems

I'm just having fun

heterochromia eyes

Doctor

stuttering

Strong but soft

Hug hc

Maids

First kiss

Dahlia

Soft and delicate

I love you

Raising a child together (Fyodor)

♡One shot♡

Name

I hate you because I love you

To be in love with another man

To die in your arms is like dying in heaven

An unhealthy obsession

Sacrifice

the priest who sins

Motherly s/o

The other woman

To suffer for your art

Sweet tooth

there is no end to my love

traumatised siblings

Engagement

Teach me, please

Baby's breath

A rose garden of love

Let me die

Princess

Betrayal hurts more than a knife

Drunk feelings

Childish

Just a little fight

Lucifer has fallen, and with him, the angels followed

♡Series♡

Your brother wants to kill me

Overprotective

~next story~

Anaemic lovers

Anaemic Fyodor. I'm running out of title ideas

Fuck, I'm out of my pills!

~next story~

stop controlling my life!

You are only a thing to be had/pain killers kill not only pain

Do you really not love me anymore?

[gabrielthejester]

Coming to terms with the fact that the next time I see Nikolai he will probably die, but needing to see him anyways <<<<

I just want the silly clown man

But alas him and his boyfriend must play the flirty death game.

I don't know if I want to see nikolai embrace death or if I wanna see him show actual emotions. He looked so broken in the manga when fyodor said he will die. What I really want is some Fyolai interaction. Whether it's their final moments together bc one of them is gonna get killed, or Nikolai joins fyodor to go home and sleep (delusional. Someone send a fanfic) I just need to see them

[morrigan-sims]

1, 3, 24, 33 :D

Hi Lush!!! Thank youu for asking!! 💖💖💖

who is/are your comfort character(s)?

My real answer is my own boys Rook and Carrion, but if I'm not allowed to answer with my own OCs, then it's Caleb Widogast (really all of the Mighty Nein, but Caleb is my most beloved boy), literally anyone from Black Sails (they're all awful, and I love them all) but especially Silver, Flint, Anne, and Max; Kaz Brekker, Nikolai Lantsov, Viktor arcane (and Jinx a bit), the Doctor (esp. the 10th Doctor), Percy Jackson, LOCKE LAMORA the og idiot-genius bastard man, and Ballister Blackheart + Nimona. This is a long list, but I have over 280 books in my bedroom, and also get too attached to fictional characters.

3. do you leave the window open at night?

When I'm at school, yes, because my building was built in the 1930s and is heated by awful radiators that spit out literally 85 degree air, so keeping your windows open is essential unless you want to die of heatstroke at night. In all three years I've lived in this dorm building (different rooms, but same building) the only time I've ever closed my window from the day I moved in til the day I moved out was over winter break between semesters bc I'm gone for a month and they do room checks and mandate that we close them. Yes, it was open even when it was literally 7 degrees Farenheit last February. At home at my mom's or dad's I do not, partly bc those houses have functional AC and heat, and also partly because I have had a very very very strong somewhat irrational fear of my cats falling out a window. (I say somewhat bc it did actually happen one time. But I had that fear for years even before that. Don't worry, he only fell like 2 feet and ran up onto the porch and came back inside the second we opened the door. But truly one of the scariest experiences of my life.)

24. if we were together on a rooftop, what would we be doing?

You and me? Absolutely discussing critical role and dnd, and bg3 and P:WotR. I'd like to imagine we're doing it while stargazing, too. I've always wanted to stargaze on a roof.

33. the last adventure you’ve been on?

If you count driving a 2001 volkswagon beetle that is set up for someone 6 inches shorter than you and the seat is stuck so you can't move it to go get tested for strep throat and covid, then I did that a couple hours ago. If you want an actually FUN adventure, idk. I don't go many places. Maybe going to the renaissance festival with @goldenwaves over Labor Day weekend? Since then I've basically just been stuck on campus doing school, but that was genuinely one of the best experiences of my life. (I've always wanted to go to a ren faire, so this was perfect. The idea came up at 2am on a Saturday, and by Sunday afternoon, I had bought plane tickets.)

[wh0refornikolailantsov]

Prompt: “Thank you for always being by my side.”

Song: Til Forever Falls Apart - FINNEAS

For Reader x Tolya please?

No Peaceful End In Sight - Tolya Yul Bataar

Content Warnings: Canon Compliant Threat And Violence. No Beta/Proof Reading. Mentions Of Darkle Sparkles (boo).

So this is it,

It really feels like your at the end now. You're backed up and you've got nowhere to go. Tamar is doing her best to keep Nikolai moving, his close call with the Nichevo'ya has left him more than winded. But that doesn't stop him trying to make a wise crack while you're all fighting to get out. He never changes, and that is at least a comfort in these moments.

Tolya has a cut above his brow which is bleeding, the blood trickling down his face and across his cheekbone. You want to clean it away. You want to be able to stop and be soft, and help him the same way he has helped you over and over. But there is no time for softness, for small acts of mercy right now. It's all fight. Fight, and running, until the end.

that's how it ends

"The Darkling really packs a punch with those things, huh?" Nikolai asks between breaths, lumbering with Tamar's help not far behind Tolya and yourself.

"Call him Kirigan," you tell Nikolai, "allowing him such a title only gives him more power."

"I think titles aren't going to change much right now," Tamar states.

"You underestimate the power of words sister," Tolya says. You smile despite the pain in your shoulders and the ache from keeping moving when your body begged you to give in a long time ago. You knew Tolya would agree with you, he always seemed to on the things that mattered.

"I think we have bigger issues than words right now," Nikolai states.

"Call it treason if you want but I disagree with you," you say, pushing your shoulder against a door, but the frame is bent out of shape and the stone around it resembles the broken rubble you'd passed outside. You cannot tell if it was hit with some kind of explosion or if it was blocked intentionally, but either way it's not budging. Tolya joins you, putting his weight into the door but it only dislodges some dust from the impact wounds in the stone. You shake your head at him and he nods.

"Not this way," Tolya says.

"We are running out of options," Tamar says, trying to look less like she is the only reason Nikolai still stands.

You are about to suggest taking the time to heal Nikolai when you see the darkness gathering back the way you came, Tolya hears the spike in your heartbeat before he sees what causes it. "Saints," you whisper.

"If your a believer now might be the time to start praying," Nikolai says. "Might argue we would be late to the party on that," you retort. Nikolai laughs and Tamar winces, her own injuries no small thing. Nikolai louds a gun with one hand, not that it will do him any good, but he is going to go down swinging, like he always said he was. Tolya pulls his elbow back, giving himself a better range with his sword, Tamar spins an axe with the hand not on Nikolai's side and you steady yourself. "This is how we die, funny," you take a deep breath, "thought I would be more scared." You whistle. "Should I be worried about that? I guess I don't have the time to be worried, I guess it doesn't really matter if we are all about to die."

"Wanting to live and not being scared to die aren't mutually exclusive," Tolya reminds you.

“Thank you for always being by my side.” You tell him. He takes his eyes off the Nichevo'ya just long enough to look at you smiling at him for what might be the last time.

"I guess there's nothing more romantic than dying with your friends," Nikolai plasters a grin on his face, and you see the man he was when you met him, all fearless and far too cocky.

And I'm not sorry for myself

You don't want to die, but if you are to die, right here, right now, you could think of so many worse ways to go than surrounded by people who you would die for. "There is no one I would rather have beside me," Tamar says.

Nikolai pulls away from Tamar's hold, standing on his own, giving Tamar the space and ability to wield both her weapons in the face of their impending death. "Till the last," Nikolai says.

Tolya takes a swing and the darkness separates around his blade. There is nothing you can do to stop them, you know that. They are an unstoppable army of shadow connected to one of the strongest grisha history has ever seen. But that wouldn't stop any of you trying. You hear Nikolai's gunshots and combative words. You don't really process anything else, you feel the shadow pull you from your feet, throwing you against a wall so hard you feel the air torn from your lungs and when you hit the ground you cannot be sure if the dizzying and blurred vision is from the head trauma or the lack of oxygen. In the haze, you can make out Tolya as he hits the ground next to you, he is quick to his feet again, unstopping, unrelenting.

You wish you were all safe, you wish there was no war and no fight and you could be at peace surrounded by those you love, but that wasn't an option the Saints had for you, so knowing what you do and the ways things could have unfolded, you find it in yourself to be grateful, that you are at least besides him now.

I wouldn't wanna spend a minute loving anybody else

You get to your feet and you can hear Tamar choking but you cannot see for all the chaos. There is an explosion, knocking the remaining door frame from its place, and the stone shakes and some of it falls down beside the broken door but there is an arch of space between the rubble and the ceiling that gives way to the bright day light.

"Tolya?" comes a soft voice from the other side, "you in there?"

"Wylan?" Tolya chokes out.

"Thank the Saints, we thought we lost you," Jesper calls through. "Come on," he hurries, "move."

You see Tolya take another slice at the Nichevo'ya and it moves around him, all darkness and no substance, it is almost as if it had the awareness to be toying with him. You signal to Tamar to help Nikolai out, and the look she gives you shows all the disapproval she feels about that instruction. But you raise your weapon and run to stand beside Tolya, pressing your back to him and throwing haphazard slices into the darkness.

Tamar knows the quicker they get out, the quicker you and Tolya follow, so she does just that.

Tolya insists on you going first and you offer a hand as you help him out of the crumbled space in the wall.

"Shadow can still follow," Wylan reminds you all, before throwing something in the space. A bright white burst follows upon impact and the space they climbed through collapses. "So maybe we keep moving?"

"I owe you," Tolya tells Wylan, "again."

"Add it to the tally," Jesper jokes, "but add and run at the same time."

[fyodior]

Ok, children time! What if BSD men got their dearest pregnant, BUT she got not one, but twins or EVEN triplets. I have headcannon that some wants one child (maybe Fyodor/Gogol/Sigma), other wants more than one, but later (maybe Dazai/Mori/Kunikida) and some wants big family (maybe Odasaku/Chuuya/Fukuzawa). Still, all of them will be like: 🤯😲😳

~🩺

oooooooh i love this hefjehehe here are my thoughts under the cut just bc it got long lolz

fyodor: just 1 or 2, i have always hced him to have a breeding kink but i personally don't really see him wanting a ton of kids. but he def wants at least one as an "heir" of sorts, to know that his ideals won't die with him alone. he'd def be shocked by the news of twins at first but just sweetly kisses you on the forehead and reassures you you'll get through it together <3

nikolai: im sorry i can't really see him wanting kids at all sdfkljsdlfjk

sigma: he'd def want 2 or 3, he wants a family that's all his and wants to be surrounded by a bunch of mini you's ehehehe though i think it would take a long time for him to feel ready and safe enough to have and raise kids. sigma would fucking pass out if he found out you were having multiples just because he doesn't feel like he's even less ready for that but ends up being very very excited :")

dazai: it would be pretty late into your relationship before dazai felt comfortable having kids, he'd have to be pretty settled down. i can see him not really ever having them, just in some traumatic fear of them having to go through what he did, even if its not a logical fear. i think he would find a lot of joy in being a dad, and finally actually feel like he has a purpose in life and a reason to keep living (besides u obvi). i don't think he really has a specific number in mind, just kind of whatever happens, happens. he'd be such a good dad :( and he would think its funny as hell if you found out you were pregnant with multiples like tears in his eyes laughing as yall watch the ultrasound💀

mori: he has a breeding kink but he also has his hands full with elise and the pm. but if he ever hands off the leader title to someone else i can see him very happily settling down with his lover and a few kids in a pretty house out in the countryside <3 very very gleeful to have multiples i think he'd fucking love if you somehow miraculously had triplets dlkslkdfj

odasaku: wants a HUGE fucking family. so many kids. he loves kids clearly as we've already seen. it would make him so so happy to raise a family with you and to be a dad, he would feel so fulfilled sdkljfdsk GOD he'd actually smile <3 such a beautiful perfect man so dad shaped im so in love with him. oda would be a fucking amazing partner to have while pregnant he'd wait on you hand and foot and just kiss all over and love all over you im crying real tears rn

chuuya: honestly i think chuuya could take or leave kids, he's not super set on either. he'd be very happy to have a family with you but he's not necessarily going to go super out of his way to make it happen. just, if you have a kid then you have a kid, and he'll love them with his whole heart <3 i can see chuuya being somewhat similar to dazai in that he'd be a bit hesitant to bring a child into the world that treated him so badly, but in the end would be so happy to be a dad. also probably passes out if he finds out ur having twins/triplets

fukuzawa: just because fukuzawa is already older and has his hands full with the ada, he probably would only want 1 or 2, though i think in theory he'd be really happy to have a big family. he wants to be able to keep up with his kids while he still can, and not be too old to really enjoy their childhood. and he already raised ranpo so 💀 DEF shocked and a little dizzy by the news of multiples but i think he'd eventually come around to it and carry around pictures of the ultrasound to anyone who would listen, and show off his pregnant partner to everybody :")

kunikida: whereas the other guys here don't have too strict of a plan and kind of just, whatever happens happens, kunikida is the fucking polar opposite. he knows exactly how many kids he wants to have, how old he is going to be when he has them, what schools they're going to attend, what the nursery is going to look like, and exactly how he's going to take care of his pregnant lover. i'd guess maybe 2-3? and he'd also have it planned out exactly how many years apart they'd be fsdlkjkldsfj and you having multiples would either result in a meltdown bc he wasn't prepared for 2 or 3 babies at once, or he was super ready and already has a plan for that ldkfjlksjfd im leaning towards the first just bc he's not really a man of compromise

[darkolai-playlist]

More aus where Aleksander ends up becoming a shadow that only Nikolai can see (because of the demon) and it's annoying at best, nerve wrecking at worst, especially when Aleksander starts giving seriously good suggestions due how worried he is about Ravka.

I don't mean a shadow like the ones Alina saw, but really just the silhouette of a man, a solid black figure, like the ones from the Disney Princess and the Frog. There's no way he can touch anything physicaly or do any harm. He must obey the law of the universe, behave like any other shadow.

Aleksander slowly starts forgetting how his face looked like, how it felt to have skin and bones, to eat, to sit under the sunlight and let it fill him. He admits he doesn't enjoy being a ghost that can only haunt Nikolai, but if that is what Ravka wants then he'd obey.

Bonus if Aleksander begs Nikolai to not get rid of the demon because he doesn't want to be alone forever, but he goes to do it anyway and then the ritual ends up bringing Aleksander back to life and it's the angst of the betrayal and the suffering. Maybe at first Aleksander comes back as more a shadow than a man, human-shaped but made of incorporeal darkness. They found that out 'cause he tried to kill Nikolai and his hand went straight through his chest anyway. He can't feel anything, eat anything, can't even sleep. They find out that only feeding himself with Nikolai's demon gives him back some real texture, which is "the worst way to get rid of the demon" in Zoya's opinion.

With time is obvious there's something more getting on Aleksander's nerve and eventually he has to confess to Nikolai he got attached to the prince king pirate whatever. For some foolish reason he thought Nikolai might have tried to stay with him. He sounds like a kid asking his mom to stay by his side in bed because he is afraid of the dark. Nikolai thinks of telling him why would I do that but instead confesses he wanted to, thought about a solution, but the demon was killing him and he could not afford to die. From there on it's chaos after chaos and an avalanche of hidden guilty feelings and the discovery that they might have became friends by accident.

[bella-rose29]

Not Your Lover - Chapter 7

a week late but it's finally here! I had assignments that were kicking my ass all week and for some reason I couldn't get this chapter right for ages (I really wanted it to be right bc its so important)

please don't hate me for what you're about to read

I'm maintaining the idea that Gregor knew the relationship was fake the whole time bc nikolai told him

Series master list

Word count: 5.1k

Warnings: swearing, mentions of assault (from Davor), Nikolai being stupid about relationships, awkward conversations, panic attack, Evalina is a bitch, reader's mother is also a bitch, reader has a lot of doubts about herself, reader's father is a saint, mentions of divorce, reader is being mildly irrational (but at least she's aware of it), trust issues, unhappy ending to the chapter (sorry)

Tag list: @a-candle-maker, @bubybubsters, @el-de-phi, @hauntedenthusiasttragedy, @iambored24601, @itsyoboo-jassy, @karensirkobabes, @kentucky-criedfricken, @little8sun, @mrsklockwood, @mvidaaaa, @nalie-98, @naushtheaspiringauthor, @notoakay, @pietromaximoffsbabe, @simbaaas-stuff

As always, let me know here if you would like to be added to/removed from my Nikolai tag list <3

(not my image)

Gregor was startled when Nik came into the shop that morning, given the early hour.

He'd composed himself quickly upon hearing somebody walk in, terrified it would be him again, but when the undercover ex-royal's blond head poked through the doorframe instead, Gregor let out a small sigh of relief.

"You alright? You look a bit... ill," Nik asked, frowning as he stepped into the office.

"I'm fine," he stood a little straighter, still unsure how to act in Nik's presence. It had been a good few weeks since figuring out who his new apprentice was, but Gregor had no idea whether it was impolite to boss around the previous king of Ravka. Nik didn't seem to mind, though, and he really was good with machines. "What are you doing here this early?" He moved around the desk, shuffling papers in the hopes that the other man wouldn't notice how messy the room was.

"I, uh... needed some air. Figured you would be here, so I thought that I would come and see if you needed anything."

"What d'ya need air for? Relationship giving you problems?" Gregor joked, but upon seeing Nik's grimace he stopped laughing. "Shit, really?"

"No. Yeah. No- ugh, I don't know. It's difficult. Are you sure you're okay?"

"Oi, don't change the subject on me, boy. Sit. Talk to me." It would take Gregor's mind off of what had happened before Nik walked in. The blond man slumped in a chair, legs sprawling and a hand running tiredly over his face.

"We had sex."

Gregor froze where he stood, not expecting that to be the cause for Nik's stress. "You... you had sex? And now you're, what, hiding?"

"Yes, I'm hiding, because she doesn't know who I am, Gregor, and she has severe trust issues, and I think I might actually have feelings for her!"

"Right..." Gregor lowered himself into his own chair, still processing everything. "So you had sex with your fake girlfriend, and now you think that you've got feelings."

"Yes. Saints, this is horrible."

"Well, it's not brilliant."

"Of course it isn't!"

"So-" Gregor broke off, sighing as he tried to figure out what the hell was going on. "Just... talk to her. I'm sure she'll understand." Nik just stared at him, eyes wide and mouth slightly agape.

"You have met Y/n, haven't you? Doesn't like men in general, hates liars, had a very strong opinion on my personality based purely on what I look like?"

"She likes you too, idiot. She'd just rather die before admitting that she's got feelings for somebody again."

"What? She said that?"

"Not directly," Gregor shrugged, delighting in the way that the younger man sat up eagerly. "But she talks about you a lot, and she doesn't always have a demonic gleam in her eye like she wants to kill you when she does so. Besides, she's tolerated your presence a lot longer than she would if she didn't like you that way."

"Really? That still doesn't mean she won't react badly though. You know her, Gregor, she's not going to wrap me in a hug and ask me to marry her for lying to her face for weeks. I've gained her trust, and she's going to feel like I've broken it, and then she'll think that I'm like Davor, and I can't have her think I'm like him, because he's awful, and-"

"Alright! Take a breath, yeah? Look. At some point, she's gonna find out that you've been... obscuring certain parts of your life, yeah?" Nik nodded. "So she might as well find out from you, and it might as well happen very soon, because otherwise she will literally never talk to you again. Now, you've got it going for you that you have a genuine reason for not openly advertising who you really are, and from what I can tell, your intentions are good. Davor was an asshole- well, he still is, to be honest," Gregor swallowed, moving on quickly. "You at least are a good guy, yeah? So hopefully Y/n won't hate you for too long."

"Okay. I'll tell her later. Oh Saints, this won't be pretty, will it?"

"Not likely, no. But it's gotta be done, yeah?"

"Thank you, Gregor. Really." He nodded, smiling gently at Nik. They sat in silence for a while, Gregor staring mindlessly out the window and Nik with his hands over his face. "Did somebody break in?" Nik's voice was suddenly too loud in the office, and Gregor stiffened.

"Why?"

"Your paperwork is messier than usual. And the picture frame is wonky." Nik pointed to the photo of Gregor as a child, his parents and siblings surrounding him. He was right; it had been knocked. "Gregor... did something happen?"

"No. Nothing that matters. It's fine." He pushed out of the armchair, moving toward the door to the rest of the shop. Nik followed, springing up to stop him before he could leave and placing a hand on his arm. The action made Gregor flinch, and Nik took his hand back, concern clear on his face.

"Seriously, what happened?"

"Davor. He uh- he came in before you got here. Wanted to know stuff about you, asking questions about who you are. I didn't tell him anything, you know how good I am at keeping secrets, but he pushed me against that wall, that's why the picture's off. I'm fine, promise." Nik cursed under his breath, and Gregor looked down at his shoes. He was a grown man, for fuck's sake. Why was he scared of somebody thirty years younger than him? It was embarrassing, how threatened he felt, but he couldn't help it.

"Hey," Nik's voice was soft, and Gregor felt ashamed at the feel of tears on his cheeks. "I'll see what he wants, okay? See if I can get him out the town, yeah? If I really have to I'll write to the palace and come up with some grand masterplan to have him sent away to the Southern Colonies or something."

"You don't need to do that, Nik. It's alright. I'm fine."

"You keep saying that, but you're clearly not. If he's threatened you then I'm going to find out what it is he's after, okay? He needs to know that he can't keep doing this." Gregor met Nik's eyes, the sight slightly blurry from his tears but the sincerity in his gaze clear as anything. Gregor had never really understood how an entire country could put their trust in one man like they had with Nikolai when he was king, but seeing the determination and promise in his eyes, Gregor knew that Nikolai would do what he said.

It was a shame, really, that rumours had a tendency to ruin things. Nikolai would most certainly have been the best King that Ravka ever had.

~~~

When Y/n woke up, she frowned at the lack of warmth in the hotel room.

It didn't come as much of a surprise, given the incredibly shitty temperature control in the hotel and the fire dying out overnight, but usually she woke up on Nik's chest, his body heat keeping her warm.

Instead the bed was empty, and his clothes were gone.

Blinking the last of the sleep away, Y/n took deep breaths, hoping that Nik had simply gone to get breakfast, or was needed by Gregor. She stubbornly refused to listen to the voice in her head that was telling her that he was just like Davor, and pushed back the covers to get dressed.

A few minutes later footsteps sounded on the stairs, and the door was pushed open slowly (clearly trying not to disturb anyone) followed by Nik entering the room. "Oh, you're awake."

"Yeah. Not been up long. Where have you been?" It was awkward, an obvious tension in the air. Y/n was also stubbornly refusing to remember the night before.

"Went to see Gregor. Davor visited him, threatened him. I'm going to go and talk to him in a bit. Oh, I got breakfast, too." He passed over a brown paper bag, and Y/n recognised it as one of hers from the bakery.

"Thanks," she replied, internally wincing at the silence that followed. "I should... I should head to work."

"Yeah, of course." He moved to the side, freeing up the doorway. Y/n paused on her way out, one hand holding the door open, the other clutching the bag for dear life.

"Should- maybe- are we...? Should we talk?" She could feel her face heat up, and to her relief Nik started blushing too. At least she wasn't the only one flustered by the events of last night.

"Uh, yeah? Yes, talking would be good." Y/n let go of the door, angling her body towards his. "Oh, you mean now? Okay."

"Would you rather... talk later? I just thought-"

"No, no, now is fine, I- You said you needed to- never mind. Uh, what did you want to talk about?" He winced, clearly unhappy with how he'd just handled that, and Y/n stifled a snort.

"Just, you know. We're not meant to be actually dating, but last night was... Well, I don't know that I can fake date you anymore, Nik." He stared at her, and suddenly the slight confession felt silly.

"What- what are you trying to say? That you want to- to date for real?"

"I guess? I don't know, this is confusing for me, okay?" Y/n felt herself smiling. "I think I might actually have feeli-"

"Don't." Nik's voice was rough, and her smile faded. "You don't... you don't know me, and I'm scared that you'll hate me for it." He sounded strangled, like it was causing him physical pain to say the words, and Y/n's heart plummeted in her chest.

"So tell me, Nik. Tell me, because I want to know! And I hate myself for letting you in when I told myself I wouldn't fall for anybody again, but you and your persistent personality wriggled their way into my life and now I don't know that I can go without you, so tell me." He looked pained, and paler than usual. "Please," she whispered, barely registering how desperate she sounded. When he didn't speak for a while, Y/n gave up, turning to leave. "I've got to get to work, but I'll see you later at the mansion, right? We've only got seven days left now." Nik nodded, and Y/n sighed as she closed the door behind her. Her stomach growled and she opened the bag, peering inside.

He'd got her favourite.

~~~

Nikolai Lantsov could talk himself out of any situation, and could manipulate every conversation to his advantage, but somehow he'd managed to lose that ability when Y/n had walked in to his life.

He wished he could go back to hating her, because that was so much easier than loving her.

He hadn't missed the way that she implied that she'd fallen in love with him, but knowing that he'd been lying to her about his identity for the past three weeks made him feel guilty for being pleased that she reciprocated his feelings. He told himself that he'd tell her everything later that day, when they were in the mansion so that it was just the two of them, and the unease at not knowing how she would react crept up his spine and sat heavy on his mind.

He turned a corner, boots coming into contact with the wooden planks of the docks. He'd shoved his hands in his pockets, shoulders hunched against the sea breeze as he scanned for Davor.

"Can I help you?"

Whirling around, Nikolai saw the very man he was searching for, and he wondered where the hell he'd appeared from. "I was looking for you, actually. Heard you paid a visit to Gregor this morning, asking about me?"

"Yeah."

Nikolai resisted the urge to slap his palm to his forehead, or scream in frustration at the monosyllabic answer. Or to do both. "What did you want to know? You could have just asked me, you know. You don't have to go around threatening people." Davor shrugged.

"Would you really tell me what I wanted to know?"

"Depends on what it is," Nikolai cracked a smile, internally praising the man for using a long sentence for once.

"Why are you pretending to date Y/n?" Nikolai hid his shock, pushing the demon down in his mind when it rose up in outrage.

"I'm not," he replied slowly, letting confusion lace his features and a disbelieving laugh come out. "Why do you think that we're faking it? Are you jealous that she's moved on?"

"You are faking it, I know you are." Davor smiled then, but Nikolai hadn't seen anything less joyful since the Darkling. It was cold and cruel, and he suppressed a shudder. "I have proof." Nikolai's mind was racing, trying to think of anything that Davor could have seen or heard to draw that conclusion, and he tried to not let the panic show on his face.

"Well," he said, allowing an incredulous smile to appear. "I'd love to know what it is!" That was the key: don't let anybody see how you really felt. Let them think that you have the upper hand, that you believe that your version of it is the truth, and then the situation is yours to handle.

"I don't think so. I'm talking to Y/n's mother in a bit. In the square. Everybody will know that you're fakes, using this stupid excuse for her stupid dream. Seven days, right? Time's a-ticking, Dominik. I'll see you in the square?" He turned and walked off back towards the town centre, and Nikolai could only stare after him, fear creeping up his spine.

No no no no no, he thought, panicking. This isn't good.

~~~

Y/n had been taking her lunch break when it all went to shit.

She'd barely been out the shop for five minutes when she saw Davor talking to her mother, and immediately she knew that whatever it was couldn't have been good. None of that was helped by the mildly disastrous conversation that she'd had with Nik that morning, and now she didn't know where she stood with him.

She'd frozen upon seeing the two of them, causing people wandering around in the busy marketplace to bump in to her, frowning slightly when they did so. Her throat started closing up, her chest tightening and making it difficult to breath, and her breaths came much shorter and sharper than normal. Now people were frowning for a different reason, some looking like they wanted to help but not entirely sure what to do, and others frowning because she was starting to make a scene. Y/n barely registered them though, unable to tear her eyes away from Davor and her mother. Everything was too close and too far away all at once, and was the world spinning? Fuck, she needed to move, to get out, to leave, but her body wouldn't let her. She wasn't sure how long she stood there, whether it was two seconds or two hours, but she did notice when a figure blocked out the sun and wrapped her in his arms, murmuring softly in her ear that 'it's alright, darling' as one hand stroked her back and the other tangled in her hair. Eventually her breathing matched his, and each breath she took smelt entirely of Nik, and she pulled her head away from his chest.

"What happened, darling?" he asked, voice quiet and gentle as he moved the hand in her hair to cup her cheek instead, thumb brushing away the tears that had slipped out.

"Da-" she coughed, her voice rough. "Davor. He's talking to my mother." Nik's eyes widened, and he whipped his head around to follow her gaze.

"Shit. Okay. I spoke to him, just now, he thinks this is fake and he seems to be sure that he has proof."

"W-What?" The tears threatened to fall again, everything too fragile and likely to break at any moment. Nik hadn't moved his hands and she was glad for it; the action kept her grounded. He glanced around, biting his lip as he furrowed his brow in thought before moving them over to a quiet spot.

"We need to figure out what's going on with us," he started.

"Yeah, no shit. I mean, how are we meant to convince people that we're in a relationship if we ourselves don't fucking know?" He sighed, running a hand over his face.

"Ok, then let's talk." He stared at her expectantly, but Y/n only stared back.

"You're the one that needs to talk, Nik. I think I've made myself clear enough. I want to date you, for real, and I want to know you. If you don't want that then tell me now and we'll figure something else out."

"I'm afraid, alright? I'm afraid that if you know the truth, you'll hate me, and you won't want to be with me."

"So... does that mean that... you do want to be with me?"

"Saints, of course I do. I'd be an idiot to not want to wake up with you every morning, or fall asleep next to you every night. To not want to be the one holding your hand, or kissing you, or to be the one that you love. I just- I know how you felt about me when we first met, and I know that Davor really fucked your view of men, and I don't want to be the reason that gets worse."

Y/n didn't reply for a while, and Nik started to look worried that she was going to agree with him, and tell him to leave and never talk to her again.

Before she could respond, having looked up and seen his concerned expression, Evalina appeared.

"I hear you're single, handsome," the woman purred, and Nik visibly cringed away from her. She cast a look at Y/n, sneering as she grabbed Nik's arm.

"No, I'm not," he said, voice hard.

"Well word is that you two are faking it." Another sneer. "So I think that means you're here for the taking." She was winding her fingers up his arm, and Y/n couldn't bear to watch anymore. She shoved Evalina away, taking Nik's arm defensively.

"Stay the fuck away from him." She vaguely noted the shock on the other woman's face, and the glare on her own, and before she had time to think about anything she'd marched off in the direction of the mansion, leaving Nik behind.

~~~

"Dominik? Could we have a word?" Y/m/n called out, and Nikolai wanted to punch something. He needed to follow Y/n, and figure out what their plan was, but her mother was very insistent and wouldn't let him leave. "Now. Davor here tells me that you and my daughter were faking a relationship so that she could spend council money and do up the mansion."

"That's a lie," Nikolai growled, and he felt the demon stir.

"Well I think that Davor is more believable than you, Dominik." Nikolai's laugh was humourless, and he looked between the two of them. Y/m/n was smug, thinking that she had the upper hand, and Davor was... well Davor was impassive as always, but for the glint in his eye that seemed somewhat sharper than normal.

"I'm sorry, you actually believe him over your own daughter?"

"Y/n hasn't been a good daughter for a while now, not since she met you. Davor was always good to her, so yes, I'll believe him over her any day." Nikolai could only stare in horror at the woman. How could she despise her own daughter that much?

"Fuck you," he said, turning on his heel. He wasn't going to waste his time talking to her when she wasn't going to care about a word he said.

"Excuse me?"

"I said fuck you. Have you ever stopped to think about her, or was it always about what you wanted?"

"What is that supposed to mean?" She looked outraged, and Nikolai thought she didn't have any right to do so.

"You've fucking destroyed her, do you know that? She hates you for what you've done, and you will never fix that. You've pushed so hard for Y/n to be what you want her to be and you have never once considered what she wants to be. You have never asked what her dreams are, her goals, her aspirations. You don't listen to her when you need to, because you are already busy thinking about how to convince her to do what you want, and she hates you for it. And if either of you go near either of us again, I will fucking ruin you, okay? Because I love her, and I will not let you destroy her again." He left them behind, not caring that he'd finished by shouting, and went in search of Y/n.

~~~

Everything sucked.

Y/n blamed it entirely on Davor, of course, since he was the reason she couldn't trust men properly, and Nik was so good and wonderful that it hurt that she couldn't express her fears about being in a relationship with him. It's not that she didn't want to; Saints, she hadn't wanted anything this much since the mansion when she was a kid, but there was so much that could go wrong or hurt her more than Davor hurt her, and she'd promised herself that she wouldn't let her heart be shattered again.

She'd been about to tell him all of that, tell him that she was afraid too, but by the Saints she wanted to try, when Evalina appeared, and then the doubts about whether Nik would always stay with Y/n or move on to somebody better, somebody prettier, crept in, and she couldn't bear the knowledge that she would always have competition making her feel like she wasn't enough and had left.

Shoving Evalina had felt good though.

Now Y/n was hiding in the mansion, which wasn't terribly effective as a hiding spot since she spent a lot of her time in the building and it was probably the first place that anybody would look for her, but it calmed her. A soft knock on the door startled her slightly, and when she looked up she expected to see Nik.

"Dad?"

"Hey, thought I might find you here. What's going on?" He came and sat down next to her on the floor, pulling her into his side and stroking her back while she cried into his shirt. Y/n explained everything: how she and Nik had faked the relationship so that her mother would give her the grant for the building and so that Nik could stop worrying about being grabbed by Evalina and the other women in town, how she'd hated him at first but loved him now, and he felt the same, and how she thought she would always be scared that it would only be a matter of time before Nik realised that he was better off without her and left. When she'd finished, her tears had long since dried, and her voice was hoarse from crying.

"I just don't know what to do, Dad. Because I know Nik, and I know he's not Davor, but he's right. Davor did really fuck with my view of men and I don't know how to fix that."

"I think you just need to tell him how you feel, love. He's a good guy, I know he is, and I'm sure that he'll understand and he'll want to help you- don't you look at me like that, you need somebody to help you. I don't care if you're an independent woman because people, no matter what, need somebody that loves them unconditionally, and Nik is that somebody for you."

"You mean that?"

"Absolutely. Please, just tell him all of this."

"Okay. I'll go find him," Y/n sniffled, wiping her face and standing up.

"Atta girl." Her father had stood up too, and was dusting off his trousers. "Y/n?"

"Yeah?"

"I uh, I don't want you to think that it's your fault, at all," he started, expression earnest. "But, well..."

"Spit it out, Dad," she joked.

"I'm divorcing your mother."

Y/n could only stare at him in shock, not entirely sure where this was coming from. Her mother might be a bitch but she at least thought that her parents loved each other. "What? Why?"

"Because we haven't loved each other for a few years now. I don't think I ever realised that until I saw you with Nik, but it's true. You look at each other like you're looking at the person that hung the stars, and it's beautiful. But I haven't looked at your mother like that for some time now, and I am quite sure that she is the same. Besides, she's been a colossal bitch to you the past month, and you're my sun, alright?" Y/n let out a wet laugh at the last part, and was startled to realise that she was crying again, the tears silently slipping down her cheeks. "Now. You go find that boy of yours, yeah?"

"Yeah," she nodded, wrapping her arms tightly around her father. "I love you, Dad."

"Love you too, Y/n."

~~~

Nikolai was shitting himself.

Not literally, of course, but he might as well be with the amount of nerves coursing through his body right now. He'd managed to get the last word in earlier when talking to Y/m/n and Davor, but apparently people had overheard the topic of their conversation and rumours spread like wildfire in this town, people already questioning the legitimacy of their relationship. He made his way into the mansion just as Y/f/n was leaving, and when he saw Y/n stood in the middle of the front room wiping the last of her tears away his heart clenched.

"... Are you... okay?" He wasn't sure she wanted him here, given how quickly she'd left earlier, but her responding hug put him slightly more at ease.

"Not really," she said, although it was muffled since her face was pressed into his chest. "I'm glad you're here though, Nik. Really really glad." He brought his arms around her, holding her tightly, and he squeezed his eyes shut with a frown.

"I have to tell you something," he said, voice quiet and filled with fear. Y/n lifted her head to look up at him, and seeing her soft smile he felt queasy.

"What is it, Nik?" When he only opened and closed his mouth a few times, strangled noises coming out instead of words, she tried again. "Dominik?" Y/n was the one frowning now, clearly unsure why he was acting so strangely, and the use of his supposed full name made his decision easier.

"That's not... that's not my name." He was looking anywhere but at her, swallowing thickly and tensing his muscles repeatedly for any hope of distraction, but her own body stiffening against his wouldn't let him concentrate on anything else.

"What do you mean that's not your name?" she asked slowly.

"It's-" he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose and taking a few steps back. "My name isn't Dominik, it's Nikolai."

"Wha- what are you going on about?"

"I can't keep lying to you about who I am, Y/n, not if I want to properly date you. You said you wanted to know me, right?" She nodded, although the action was distant. "Well, this is me," he spread his arms out and then let them drop back to his sides, desperation starting to creep in to his body language. "I'm Nikolai, not Dominik, and my last name isn't Opus, either. It's Lantsov. Or Opjer, I'm not actually sure. But I'm Nikolai Lantsov, the previous King of Ravka."

Y/n froze, clearly unsure how to respond.

---

Of all the things she thought that he would say, it hadn't been anywhere near that. "W- you- what?"

"I'm Nikol-"

"No I got that, I'm just... very confused. Why the fuck would you hide that? You're being serious, right? This isn't a joke?"

"It's not a joke, I'm being completely serious. And I know that I've lied to you about who I am-"

"Yeah, no shit!"

"-but I did it to start over, to have a new life, and also because there is a very high sum of money on my head in foreign nations and I quite like it attached to my neck! And I'm sorry, okay? But when you said this morning that-" he gasped, running out of air. "When you said this morning that you wanted to date for real I couldn't do that without telling you the truth, because I know how you feel about liars and people that look like me, okay? And I'm telling you now because I need to know if there is any possible chance that you'll still have me, because I have fallen completely and irrevocably in love with you, Y/n. So please, if there is any chance, I'll take it." He'd moved closer to her during his speech, arms gesturing wildly as he went on, and he was close enough that she could reach up and kiss him if she wanted to.

Instead she stepped back, expression blank as she tried to figure out which emotion to wear. She vaguely registered Nik's- Nikolai's pained face, and her own head shaking as she brought a hand up to her mouth.

"I- I can't- what?" The last word was quiet, her voice breaking as she tried not to cry. She didn't want to; he had a logical reason for not telling the truth, and he felt the same as her, Saints damn it, but some irrational part of her told her that he was lying about other things too, and it would only be a matter of time before he was lying about loving her. It was ridiculous, how badly Davor still affected her, and she really thought that she could change with Nik, but apparently not. She did want him, like she wanted air, but right now it was too much, and she felt like her lungs would burst from the pressure. "I'm sorry," she whispered, tears pricking at her eyes as she turned away. "I can't... I don't know... I can't do this right now," she sobbed, pressing the heels of her hands into her eyes. She felt Nik's hand on her shoulder, light and fleeting before it disappeared and took his warmth with it. Dimly Y/n registered his words.

"That's okay. I'll wait."

Chapter 8

[localplaguenurse]

Nikolai not knowing Pantalone has a child is even more funny if his mother didn’t know either (I know in the oneshot it’s implied that Nikolai’s parents know of her existence),

But it would be insanely funny if when Pantalone and Nikolai get together, his mom is pissed because: 1. Her son is dating the guy she hates most in the world rn, and 2. THEY HAVE A KID ALL OF A SUDDEN???

I would apologize in advance for rambling, but I'm starting to suspect people like when I do that.

In my opinion, I think she'd assume he's one of those absent rich fathers who only "parents" his child by having nannies take care of her 99% of the time, and then the other 1% is him just buying her whatever toys she wants. She just assumes every bad thing you can about rich business-y types, that he's cold hearted and manipulative and will step on anyone if it means he succeeds. Which... to be fair she's not entirely wrong, you don't get the rank of harbinger by being nice all the time, but it stops at "he doesn't love his daughter."

I think he's generally less inclined to discuss his private life publicly, but he also loves his baby girl and wants to maintain her safety/right to privacy, so he purposely limits how much he talks about her. He only brings her up if the person he's talking to is also a parent. This can appear as though he "doesn't care" because he "knows so little about her," when it's actually the complete opposite. That's why I think Nikolai would be shocked at the idea that he's a father. It's also why his parents would be aware of Helina, because Pantalone and his father have talked about what it's like raising children, which dad then relays to mom, and then mom comes to her own conclusions and decides "now THIS is why my sweet Niki should stay as FAR AWAY from him as humanly possible."

Now I'm not going to really touch too much on his parents' reactions to him being with Pantalone because that's main fic material, but his parents for one reason or another have their concerns about Nikolai and fatherhood. Straight up, I don't think his dad thinks he has it in him. He's not exactly the strong masculine breadwinner fatherly type that fits his father's more "traditional" views, but the whole going blind thing doesn't help either. His mother is actually a lot better in this regard, genuinely, because she was literally raised by a man with the same disease so she knows first hand it's not only possible to be a parent, but you can be a great or amazing parent too. She'd then immediately be all hand hold-y and clingy with her son again, but old habits die hard.

I think if Nikolai became Helina's stepdad, his mom would at the very least accept the girl as family because she "finally has a stable arental figure" in her life, much to Nikolai's absolute horror. Helina would find her coddling nature unnerving and would also pick up on the hostility between her new grandma and father, so she'd be giving Nikolai crazy side eyes (that he cannot see but can still tell she's giving them) during visits, all the while being the polite young lady Pantalone raised.