#i just defended my thesis

[pickingupthepunchlines]

.

[ritelli-draws]

Character Icons for ArtFight 2024!

[normal-with-adhd-is-a-joke]

I'm frustrated with the idea of going on a low FODMAP diet for IBS because if it does work they're going to be like "well you have IBS, problem solved, keep doing that forever" but like that's not a solution. Low FODMAP is expensive, excessively restrictive, and frankly I think going on it even for a short time is going to make me depressed because I have very little joy in my life outside of having a little treat. Like as sad as it is to admit CFS has taken everything except food and gaming and I'm not going to give up either of those. I just feel like they won't be willing to try other treatments like medication if the diet "fixes" me because even doctors carry a little bit of that "drugs bad" bias.

[queer-reader-07]

something about finding the people who sit through your info dumps with joy on their face and enthusiasm for your passions. something about finding the people who info dump right back at you because they know you love hearing about their passions. something about finding the people who manage to sum up your being in one niche, oddly specific sentence that lives in your mind rent free for the rest of time. something about finding the people who not only accept you for who you are but embrace you for who you are. who not only tolerate your quirks and differences but love and cherish them.

[foryouthegays]

chronically ill person cries at doctor because theyre the 'first doctor to believe [them]', more at 10

[depoteka]

i've got 2 packages on the way so that means parcel locker trip tomorrow

[dirtbra1n]

AA4 SPOILERS/////

that quote you called krisnix is soooo fascinating to me bc, they really had dinner together most days, like that’s a level of commitment we didn’t even see from most of the ppl who phoenix considered important and that whole time on kristoph’s end it was to keep an eye on Phoenix and on phoenix’s end it curiosity bc kristoph voted against him losing his badge and also it was to find out the reason why he lost his badge and kristoph was just this name that kept popping up, and for Phoenix and kristoph it was so many red flags bc kristoph knew phoenix wasn’t the type to let something rest and Phoenix knew there was more to kristoph then at first glance but somewhere along the way it become genuine, but at the same time kristoph still kills shadi after a single convo with phoenix and phoenix still pressed record before even asking kristoph to be his lawyer, it’s Phoenix recording every single one of those convos with kristoph but still (probably) having him meet truck, but it’s kristoph keeping himself at arms length from Phoenix but Phoenix taking it bc he’s never been the type to give up on a person, whether it’s to their doom or his and for better or worse he wouldn’t want anyone else to really see him the way he currently is besides kristoph, now what the hell could that possibly mean?

(that quote I called krisnix)

anon you will never know the extent of the joy I felt seeing this initially and the extent of it I still feel now. but I’d like you to. Thank You For Biting. and for waiting a little over a month Sorry about that. I'm gonna ask you to forgive me if this doesn't make any sense or hold up to scrutiny. the demons have got hold of me and I'm making do

because I get to talk more about krisnix. Ha ha. pulled out all my silly little suppositions to review again I think I was waiting for an opportunity like this. like my hubris is getting me. I recklessly called that quote krisnix and now a little over a month later I'm completely sick about it.

I'm going to reiterate that I'm very sorry if this reads like shit, and I'll apologize just this once that this post got as long as it did. go fish

you ever think about how kristoph's a dog guy. guy who has a dog, guy who brought a photo of his dog into solitary confinement with him. also a caged blue bird which alive or not happened to contribute significantly to the krisnix breakdown of dec. 2023 There are really some very bright minds in krisnix pit. me and you included anon. that's a tangent. I'm sick. I'm drafting this in a terribly disorganized fashion. I'm reading transcripts. I'm getting dizzy.

this fucking room haunts me

vongole, though

a man's best friend, who's known to bite if handled roughly. her name means clams.

I've been doing some web surfing. I can't move in one straight line to save my life so I've been doing some web surfing. kristoph doesn't say what kind of retriever vongole is, which is fine. retrievers are dogs bred to retrieve game, tasked not to break skin, to be gentle, to keep soft mouths. vongole is a retriever who bites (literal) when bitten (metaphorical); a clam that clasps shut.

kristoph's a dog guy and sometimes he's the metaphorical dog. not One straight line to save my life. it's funny that seven years have passed without phoenix meeting vongole. held at arms length but indisputably held. a man's closest friend. besides his dog.

a lot of the time phoenix is the metaphorical dog. putting all tangents aside A lot of the time. phoenix is that metaphorical dog. what is seven years of companionship, eating dinner after dinner together, and being seen at your worst... worth? indulge me: this guy, you pieced together pretty quick, was behind the forged evidence that lost you your badge. this guy, as you saw happen in real time, was the one person on that committee to vote against that "strictest punishment".

this guy, as an indisputable fact, is a big fucking weirdo. you'll need to snare him eventually, for the forged evidence, but--you're kind of in the habit of liking weirdos. is the thing. he sunk your career, he lost you your badge. he's kind of an asshole, also.

he has bought you and trucy dinner more times than you could ever hope to count. there's a curve in your sofa from all the times he's sat in the same spot, wrinkling his nose at greasy takeout boxes and your grape juice breath. he talks to trucy in a voice slightly less haughty--warm, if a gun was held to your head about it--than the one he plays up with you, and she completely eats it up; thinks he's real fun to tease. his eyebrows wrinkle, an almost nothing frown, when she puts on a show with a trick that he can't immediately come to some conclusion about. he'll put on obnoxious rubber gloves to wash your dishes, to protect his manicured nails, as he goes down a dozen rabbit holes trying to reason out what he's missing. you've seen him doing casework. he's seen you delirious and half out of your mind. his mouth, in your experience, is soft.

you're kind of in the habit of liking assholes, too.

neither of these guys can be vulnerable for shit. over the course of seven years, they've seen each other as close to vulnerable as they can get, which isn't very, because this span of time especially--phoenix stubbornly keeping a little girl's head above the water, kristoph, for reasons we will never, ever understand, constantly looking over his shoulder--really doesn't see either of them in a place to get through any skin-flaying conversations about what they want with or from one another.

kristoph really does want control, though. he wants to be in control of things, have a handle on things. and he probably figured out something like immediately that phoenix wright really isn't the sort of guy you go to for that kind of thing. and yet! sunk cost fallacy's a bitch, kristoph! what good does a beautiful bluebird do you if you don't keep it with you on display heavy-handed. I know. don't I know it.

gonna rein myself in a little. because I'm off the deep end and you're posing really interesting ideas. kristoph couldn't rest for seven years because "shadi smith" was unaccounted for, out there somewhere. kristoph couldn't rest for seven years because he was scared for his life. "shadi smith" played a game of poker against the best and got whacked. and then murdered! tough luck!

really it's my curse. that so much of krisnix is personalized person to person, because of real aa5 shaped smoke and mirrors. because it gives me the space, the soapbox, the platform, microphone, and spotlight, to ask, In that trial, of the murder of Shadi Smith, where Kristoph Gavin was supposed to defend Phoenix Wright, what verdict was he looking to see through?

because I'm sick, you see. kristoph had just, finally, gotten rid of the man he spent so long being scared of, just clawed his way to the path out of the woods, and all he had to do was--

Have you ever stood at a crossroad. the decision laid out in front of you's not actually that tough, if you can believe it. even space for you to completely rationalize any attachments away: you get phoenix wright off (haha), you keep your reputation as the best defense in the west (opinions on the name notwithstanding), and you could, as a possibility to consider on occasion, maybe even learn how to have a slightly more-vulnerable-than-usual conversation.

or you could lose.

pretty simple choice to make, right?

and then phoenix goes and fucks it up, of course. dogs get restless with nothing to do. they want to be of use to you, kristoph, did you ever think to fucking ask phoenix for help? you come when called, you let yourself be persuaded, generously, to help keep food on the table. to keep a warm body company, one way or the other. to be some fucked up psychosexual approximation of a friend. but phoenix comes running when called, too, and you haven't once given him the chance.

big fucking stink you're in, kristoph! You didn't just brain a guy with a juice bottle for no reason. Tell me why you did it.

the big question you won't answer. five black psyche locks pulsing with a despair you don't have the tools to register. you said it already: I killed a man named "Smith" with a bottle because I am an evil human being.

what does phoenix hope to get out of this. motive for a murder, then what?

you really get me anon. phoenix never the kind of guy to give up on somebody he loves, up against someone who's finished with even arms length, stubborn as all get-out, and, even to himself, completely unsalvageable. irredeemable. an evil human being who killed a man named "smith" with a bottle.

it's not that phoenix would help kristoph hide a body. he pretty evidently did not do that. and it's not that phoenix would just forgive kristoph for trying to poison a twelve year old girl either. but there were seven full years between the disappearance of zak gramarye and the murder of "shadi smith", and vera misham hadn't been poisoned yet, and phoenix wright is an awfully loyal, terribly stubborn man himself.

I don't really know what the hell the lot of this means to tell you the truth. but I think now as much as ever that phoenix should chase kristoph's chance at life to the death, and I think that regardless of the stopping point on the line of time kristoph's last words to phoenix should be ...Later, then.

[ourchunkysalsa]

i found myself wanting to punch louis in the face every time he talked because i need to save claudia from the narrative. claudia has only ever been chosen by louis when it benefits him and she is dropped at any time it involves a love interest. she will always just be an ideal for louis of who he wants to be, but won’t ever achieve.

while louis could be, and probably is, lying about how upset claudia was in this scene because of her melodramatic facial expression— it shows that he keeps trying to pick her. delainey also talks about how this is all claudia has ever wanted to hear from louis, but there’s still some doubt. louis repeating it (and jacob’s amazing acting) really does show he doesn’t Want to be choosing lestat but even claudia knows his heart will always be with lestat. but they still stay together and they both continue to try.

anyway claudia lovers how does it feel to be the saddest people in the world.

[charmwasjess]

Still reading The Living Force. I'm actually much farther in now than when I took this pic over the weekend, before I got kicked out of the winery for throwing the book across the room--

No, no, I kid. In fact, there's lots to like about this book. Much of it is warm, funny, and full of Jedi details and lovingly crafted little scenes given to more obscure Council characters. Depa and Mace continue to shine.

I'm still... very much struggling with some aspects, some inconsistencies and contradictions that I can't tell are there on purpose to make a point in the narrative, or just unsuccessful writing. But I'll try to post an actual write up shortly when I'm officially finished.

[trans-axolotl]

my life has been so much richer and full of meaning since I was introduced to mad liberation +the psych survivor movement and i am so so so grateful for the people who shared their time and energy and stories with me. can't imagine where i would be today without the people who helped me start dreaming of different ways of living + loving + caring for each other.

[dreadfutures]

fortunately, with friends getting married and buying houses, I now have places to crash with beloved people in beloved places. and I have PTO.

[vermillioncrown]

i've seen a post about this before but it's not as common as those "i'm a creative that can't create rn" or "take rests so you don't burn out"

it's all true, but i think another one is...don't define yourself by one thing. you're not just what you do, and you don't just do one hobby. when people cling to a single facet of themselves for their identity, when that bit needs to rest for a bit, it's easy to fall into a feedback loop that continues to burn you out.

"i should be creating" -> "i can't create" -> "i'm a failure of a creative" -> so on and so forth

gotta go do other things for a bit, and for their own sake.

=

that being said, this is me telling myself i need to go do other things besides fanfic for a bit

[the-sea-anemone]

my supervisor described one of my thesis chapters as "seamlessly written" and i'm feeling kind of smug about it ngl

[satari-raine]

My graduate thesis - after (somehow) successfully defending it last week to my committee team - just got officially accepted by my school. Time to become a blanket burrito and (try to) sleep forever out of relief that it's finally finished.

[widevibratobitch]

im so fucking mad at myself at my mother at her dead husband at god fucking knows what. "concentrate on yourself" well i cant can i. now more than anything i should and i cant. losing my fucking mind istg

[fridayyy-13th]

y'all i'm like. so tired and overwhelmed right now. dare i even say sad.