#i just articulated my thoughts on the subject better than i ever have

[lockandkeyhyena]

Been trying to word this another way for a while I sent a prev ask so if you’ve already figured it out I’m sooo sorryyy

Trans men experience transphobia unique to trans men but do not experience trans misandry because cis misandry isn't real ❌

So trans woman experience transphobia unique to trans woman and do experience transmisogyny be cis misogyny is real ✅

my take is basically yes trans men obviously experience a unique form of oppression because of their intersection of identities and having a word for that would be useful BUT maybe something that refers it back to misogyny which is ultimately the root cause.

but transmisogyny is already taken so like. idk. transmisogyny 2 electric boogaloo but with boys this time??? idk. just not a name that implies systematic misandry exists lol

[zvtara-was-never-canon]

I really appreciate your blog! It helps me articulate a lot of thoughts I have about Zutara.

I finished watching ATLA for the first time this year, as an adult. When I finished, I thought the canon romances were cute enough. I also thought it was pretty clear that Zuko and Aang's relationship (platonic or romantic) was the centre of the show.

Imagine my surprise when I went to A03 and found that the most popular ships were ZUKKA and ZUTARA. It had never even crossed my mind since the characters barely interacted. Intrigued, I started reading fics for both to see what the fuss was about.

I read Zukka, and though both characters seemed OOC to me, it was a fun dynamic and I could understand why people liked it. Ofc Mai and Suki were absent, but most fics I saw described them as having amicable breakups and living a great life. In a lot of fics, Mai and Zuko were still super close, and Sokka and Suki were best friends despite the break-up.

But Zutara. First fic I read? Aang bashing. 2nd? Katara cheating on Aang. 3rd? Katara talking about how unappreciated she felt as the "Mother" of the group who had to do the emotional labour. 4th? Katara being kept locked up against her will as a bartering chip. It just went on and on.

I genuinely don't care what people ship, or what they fantasise about. Shipping is just wish fulfillment after all, it's wanting 2 pretty dolls to kiss.

Zutara as a popular fanon ship even makes sense, because they had a genuinely compelling dynamic! But the fics I read made me so uncomfortable. They felt vicious, like totally against the themes of friendship, balance, and forgiveness in the show.

It's a very subjective opinion, but the Zukka and Zutara fics felt totally different to me. Zukka felt lighthearted, like "wouldn't it be fun to make these 2 cute boys kiss". Whereas Zutara felt like the author was trying to PROVE Zutara should be canon, that their ship was better and deeper and more sophisticated than anyone else's.

Then I read some Zutara metas, and a lot of the fics made sense to me. They seemed so vindictive against Aang and Mai, so bitter because they were "robbed". No wonder it translated into fics.

Reading those metas actually made me outraged. So despite not even really shipping Kataang or Maiko at the beginning, now I have began to appreciate them both!

Especially Kataang, because I love Katara and Aang as characters and it just seems so crazy to me that she'd even CONSIDER Zuko, the racist imperialist prince that chased her for 2 seasons. Even if Kataang broke up for whatever reason, Katara would rather be single than ever date Zuko.

So, thanks for the blog. You really highlight everything I dislike about Zutara.

If I got a dollar each time someone told me that they used to not mind Zutara but grew to dislike it and appreciate the canons ships more after seeing how unhinged the fandom is, I'd have enough money to buy the rights to the franchise.

[thaisibir]

Faith, Science, and Lessons to Learn in Claymore

Here come my thoughts I've articulated the best I could on why I absolutely love Claymore for over ten years. I love how faith and science are represented and explored in this series, especially how they are not only compared side by side but brought together. And I don't exaggerate when I say this series had taught me valuable life lessons and how to be a better person.

Faith vs science: Rabona represents the institution of faith. The organization is an institution of science. As Claymore is a story centered on, of course, the Claymores, and the world as they know it, we see a lot more than the institution of faith how the institution of science operates. And it's a very cruel, brutal operation. Girls are salvaged and trafficked to be subject to experimentation and training, conditioned to think and work like cogs in a machine. Their entire lives revolve around constant, endless missions of killing yoma. All the while they're fighting against their own inhuman side. They're ticking time bombs destined for nothing but a violent death. It's a vicious cycle. A system set up to doom them from the start.

I have to mention how incredibly disgusting and clever the psychology behind the organization's system is. 47 Claymores are deployed and scattered throughout the continent at all times, but few ever come across one another. I'm sure that after training, most full-fledged warriors go through their entire careers without ever meeting another of their own. The few times they meet up are strictly for missions only. No time for real bonding and fraternizing. In fact, it seems to be discouraged and deliberate. And there is no care or effort whatsoever put into fostering friendly relations between Claymores and the common folk. They have no home, no family, not even friends, no autonomy, only complete dependence on the organization. Not unlike a toxic relationship where the victim has no choice but to be shackled to the abusive partner. That's exactly how the organization wants it to be. They want their subjects to be powerful, dependable, but expendable and replaceable at the drop of a hat. The lonely and isolated lifestyle imposed on Claymores, along with the rules, keep them in line. Keep them apart and they would never get a whiff of the skeleton in the organization's closet and entertain the idea of rebelling. We all know that didn't last forever. (More on that in a later section...)

All right I think I've been beating a dead horse talking about how horrible the organization is. In contrast to their operations involving exploitation, dissection, and separation of Claymores, Rabona is the site of their unity and humanization.

Rabona is the pivoting point for bringing together a Claymore and three humans in their efforts to take down a yoma. It's where we learn that bonds are stronger than the carnal desire to awaken and feast on guts. Years later, it's also in Rabona where the same cooperation happens. Just on a much greater scale. Humans and Claymores collectively learned to fight alongside each other. Irene proved that it's possible to survive outside the organization. Galatea took it a step further, being the first to show that it's possible for a warrior to live happily among humans, albeit in secret. By the end, an era of a truly peaceful coexistence begins. It's a beautiful irony that the city well known for its spirituality, image of holiness, and rejection of the "unholy" becomes the first place to openly welcome Claymores.

The organization topples and falls apart from a single decisive strike. Meanwhile, despite multiple assaults from powerful Awakened Beings, Rabona still stands. And I'm sure it will continue to endure and flourish with the Claymores as its new resident defenders. An institution built on fear and blind obedience is much weaker than one built on the warriors' true sense of allegiance, belonging, and home.

That is not to say that science is all bad in Claymore. After all, surgery is what physically brought Teresa and Clare together.

Father Vincent: I need to talk about this man and how vastly underrated he is. In a story full of incredibly strong and kickass half-monster women, Vincent is not only one of the few ordinary men in the cast, but the best of them morally speaking (second to Raki). That scene of Vincent with Galatea, Clarice, and Miata made him my favorite male character in the series. He had come a long way since his first appearance. Even then, he had come around from a position of prejudice and his city's idea of holy vs unholy to acceptance and gratitude for Clare. His brief sharing with Galatea of that turning point shows incredible self-awareness and introspection, a mindset we should all strive to have. Then, as the head priest of the religious order entrenched in Rabona, he initiates that change at the greater societal level, turning Rabona into a sanctuary that welcomes all Claymores. I especially love that panel where he raises a hand of blessing to Galatea and says he wants to pray "for her and her wonderful companions." I found that incredibly touching. Those words must mean the world to Galatea, and to any Claymore if they heard. After all, they're so used to being dehumanized and reviled. Vincent is the perfect foil to the terrible men of the organization, second to Raki when it comes to showing empathy and compassion to Claymores and regarding them as more human than monster. Vincent sets a great example of what it means to be a decent human being, and just what it means to be human, to be capable of growth and change for the better. I'm sure we all want to be badass like the Claymores, but really we must try to be the Father Vincent in people's lives. You don't need yoma power to be an agent for good and change.

The measurable versus the immeasurable: In this world where only the strong survive, power and rank is everything. Or so it seems. Like I mentioned earlier, the organization is insidiously clever in using a ranking system to define the Claymores and keep them in line. Claymores have very few possessions to call their own: the emblem and armor they wear, the sword they wield, and the number they're given. Numbers are what separate and define them, what seem to give them identity, worth, and purpose. Enter Clare, the series protagonist, who flips a giant middle finger at all that. Unlike some Claymores who obsess over numbers (lookin' at you, pre-timeskip Helen), Clare doesn't let her low rank define or upset her. Mathematically and rationally speaking, with the flesh of a half yoma warrior, she's only a quarter yoma, therefore half the strength of a typical Claymore and the weakest of them all. Clare gives that rationale the middle finger too. What keeps her alive from beginning to end is her limitless, immeasurable, astounding courage and endurance that impressed Teresa from the beginning. And there's her great capacity to love and care for others. Love forged those strong, lasting bonds with Teresa and Raki. The lengths she went to save Jean inspired a loyalty like no other, and what leads to one of my favorite quotes in the series: "She saved my life. Her rank meant nothing then and it means even less to me now."

The Seven Ghosts embody true sisterhood allowed to flourish outside the confines and prying eyes of the organization. Living, hiding, and training together, sharing survivors' guilt from that massacre in Pieta, they are fueled by a drive that's far greater and more enduring than mere petty competition for ranks within the organization. They don't fight just to survive, but to honor the memory of their fallen comrades. Years later, those old ranks they were given mean nothing. The Ghosts become more than that, undefinable, and for all their strengths and weaknesses they come to regard each other as equals, as true friends and sisters ought to.

And finally, the most powerful manifestation of love is none other than Teresa and Clare, the twin goddesses who defeat the one horned monster. The organization had tried and failed many times to replicate that perfect synergy. They left out one important part of the equation. Clare and Teresa's love for each other makes their union a truly powerful thing that defies the limits and bounds of numbers and stats. Many times throughout the series, especially by men from the organization, it's brought up that Clare's true abilities and potential don't align with the number she was given. She's truly a wild card, defiant in the face of obeying the organization's rules and rationalities. It's human nature to assign numbers and ranks to things because we like to compartmentalize, but the real world is a lot messier than that. Clare is there to teach us that we are not defined by the numbers we earn or are given.

All of this is to say that the most important lesson I took away from Claymore is this: it's what you do for others that truly counts, not what others think of you. Love and compassion is enough to move the most powerful being in the entire series to tears.

[olderthannetfic]

The main problem that I have with Youtubers who attempt to approach media analysis and fandom through theory and academia is that the vast majority aren't academics. Just being in undergrad isn't actually enough, contrary to the thoughts of many. Reading a Wikipedia article and reiterating what one may find in some Google, even Google Scholar, searches. Ideally, these would be topics approached by people involved in academia as a profession, people with doctoral degrees, who can discuss complex topics in a way that is easily understood by the masses. "What is the negotiation between gender and sex in BL?" "How does CMBYN articulate/complicate hierarchal roles within the gay novel?" "Could SnK express an alternative reading of the formerly isolated Japan?" These are complicated questions they attempt to answer in their video essays when they seldom ever understand the theories they employ.

Yes, I understand this can sound elitist, but as a Black afab person who is currently in a doctoral program for literature, there aren't "easy" answers to any of the questions they attempt to pose, and many Youtubers who primarily make long-form video essays lack the life experience and expertise to sufficiently discuss anything. They're usually too set in their thoughts to answer or explore the broader implications of their claims. Defending a dissertation forces you to do this. Forming a committee of experts in various fields and convincing them to aid you in the development of your dissertation forces you to do this. Being in academic and cordial communication with your peers from all over the world in your field forces you to do this. It's not easy to constantly intake new information from various eras and nations (depending on your topic), meld this information into a coherent essay, and continually make edits as you learn new information, thus changing your outlook on things. Also: it's really petty of me, but it's also incredibly annoying to grade poorly researched undergrad essays who, after some prompting in office hours, say they got these ideas on books, movies, and shows from breadtubers like Somerton, SZ, FD Signifier, or hbomberguy. Cue: me going to watch their videos and realizing they have no idea what they're talking about 88% of the time in terms of theory and application of said theory. Even the ones who frame themselves on being educators in real life, like Signifier, lack any nuance, depth, or media literacy to make a compelling argument if you know even the slightest bit of information. On the bright side, I now know why I've encountered several students with ideologies that are basically conservatism with a veneer of progressivism, or "conservatism in a queer hat."

This concludes my long-winded way of saying "Don't turn to Youtubers for media analysis. You're better off just reading articles by people who have to actually know what they're talking about. The majority of Youtubers (especially the breadtubers) don't have the bandwidth to discuss anything more complex than an episode of Blue's Clues."

--

I mostly agree, but I'd point to a slightly different problem. I'm hesitant to say that the PhD itself is the deciding factor, but I do think a lot of video essayists are insufficiently prepared.

I'm a big fan of Folding Ideas who does have some formal schooling in film, but I don't think it's that education per se that makes him great. He sets himself apart from other video essayists by actually doing his research and having an in-depth approach to his subjects. He doesn't resort to clickbait, and—here's the key—he often takes months or even a year to work on something.

Honestly, I think that's a big part of it: the hoops most youtubers who want to make a living at it have to jump through involve a lot of clickbait and pandering and a fast production schedule. They don't involve reputable peer review except by the court of shriek-y public opinion on twitter.

They'd like to present themselves as documentary filmmaking (which is essentially what Folding Ideas' longer videos are), but they don't actually live up to any of the usual standards of that either.

I think it can be elitist to say that someone needs to have certain letters after their name, yes, but what really strikes me about your average youtube media analysis type and the fanbase is that they want shortcuts.

Exploring the whole history of the gay novel so that you have enough background to talk about CMBYN means reading quite a few novels. Even if you decide to throw out all past scholarly opinion on the topic (which you shouldn't), if you're going to have a meaningful personal theory, you need to have read a lot of novels first. How can you hope to be the person providing the neat overview of the whole genre if you haven't familiarized yourself widely with said genre, and not just through a summary by someone else? That amount of reading doesn't happen overnight.

The trite, surface-level media analysis online is often from people who want to be hailed as great intellectuals but who aren't willing to put in the years it takes to do all the background reading and to develop their skills in argumentation, writing, etc.

Grad school is a convenient and probably faster way to go about all that, but I think you could do it outside of a formal framework... But you would need to actually do it.

I think it's driven by a bunch of people who were The Smart One in grade school and never learned how to work hard on long-term projects instead of pushing through in a sprint. They're used to relying on being the smartest to cut corners and do things before they get bored, only they probably aren't the smartest anymore anyway, and they mistake being smart at one thing for being smart at all things.

There's a real lack of respect for the entire concept of expertise.

[james-stark-the-writer]

terrible news, i tried to watch the Friendly Space Ninja Riverdale finale video again and i think i've pinpointed my problem with his videos, specifically the Riverdale ones but also just his general approach to media criticism, it's just the terrible wave of "objective criticism" we had on youtube with shitheads like Mauler but framed as just a more subjective opinion and it tries to pretend like that makes it any better, which it doesn't, like it really doesn't, because the underlying assumption that there is only one way to tell any type of story is just such a terrible thing for art but also he just fundamentally doesn't understand what type of art Riverdale is and there's just such a sheer lack of even attempting to treat it as a serious piece of art because the assumption is already that because popular consensus is that it sucks (the critical consensus has actually been consistently fucking great, you could just go look at the Rotten Tomatoes scores or even check out the legacy section on Riverdale's Wikipedia page), that means it automatically is trash, it never gets the opportunity to fight for itself because it's never given the chance to be thought of as a piece of art. it's an insistence that writing is the only way to analyze an audio-visual medium and like sure, writing doesn't "age" the same way other elements might, but audiences do age and change and evolve, media criticism does too, there's a reason people appreciate the Star Wars prequels more now than they ever did at release because we understand different ways of appreciating art now beyond the base insistence that conventionally "good" writing is the only thing to aim for (the prequels are actually well written but let's not get into THAT rn), that doesn't make the prequels "bad," it just means the prequels are different. i find the whole good/bad paradigm pretty suffocating in the first place but this is just so exhausting and i cannot believe that I've just managed to articulate it bc it seems shockingly obvious in retrospect.

also the video in question is just like factually wrong multiple times, he flat out admits he skips a lot of the season but then complains that the season doesn't make sense when he's jumping in at a random point, he complains that the previous seasons are meaningless but it's like has he forgotten that the audience doesn't forget stuff even if the characters have (and they even get their memories back in a thematically important and resonant moment the defines who the characters want to be so it's not really even entirely sound criticism) and that the show is intentionally trying to do interesting parallels and reversals of the stuff we've seen before, it's like commenting on itself because season 7 is a nostalgic look back at what the comics have been and what the show started from, and about the nostalgic feelings of that time and their appeal contrasted with the brutal truths of the reality of the situation, like this is just basic art criticism, i'm not even like trying to defend the season, like i don't even like season 7 that much, i think it's one of the more boring seasons and it ranks towards the middle for me, but like this is not like deep criticism where you're thinking and analyzing a lot, this is just seeing what the plot of the episodes is and what they're trying to communicate, it's just really irritating how fucking exhausting the objective criticism shit is but it's actually even more grating when you don't pretend to be superior about it because it makes it seem like you're not even bold enough to stand by your opinions and actually embrace the implication present in the shit you are saying, like it's just cowardice, honestly. but anyway, glad i figured it out, because it was honestly irritating me that i couldn't articulate why i didn't like those videos beyond just them being wrong about Riverdale on like a factual level and him just not understanding what it's trying to say as a piece of art.

the point of this isn't to say that i think he's making these arguments in bad faith or anything, i do think these are genuinely opinions he holds, and they are valid opinions for him to hold, i'm not saying they're invalid, you can prefer one aspect of a piece of media over other aspects because it's more important to you, that's okay, i'm just saying they're misinformed takes and generally display a shocking lack of imagination and respect for art and no desire to broaden his horizons.

anyway, if you actually want to understand the appeal of Riverdale, go through the Riverdale tag on my blog for my own analysis (but here's somewhere to get started), or if you want videos, the Super Eyepatchwolf video is pretty good, i still disagree with it a lot but at least the man tries to understand why people like the show and he even gets some part of the appeal, and we are going to get 4 5-hour videos from Lily Simpson over the next few months so i'm looking forward to those, bc Lily generally tends to at least understand the appeal of the stuff she talks about, and the title of the first video ("the captivating madness of Riverdale" [though i don't love the use of "madness"]) is already enough to make me feel like somebody kinda gets it and hopefully it'll be more coherent actual art analysis.

[penisbagelbite]

I don't believe in "transmisandry".

Unless, as usual, the use of "transmisandry" here is in reference to antitransmasculinity (no matter what it's called) in general and any discussion of it, because it is a lot easier to demonize and disregard these discussions when referred to that way as it likens any and all discourse of antitransmasculinity to MRAs (even though antitransmasculinity at it's core is misogyny) then, sure. In that context I guess I do.

As "malgendering" is my own abomination, I should probably touch on it again, seeing how it's festered.

Regarding it's coining: the initial post was impulsive, plucked out of my drafts and far from finished, because I'd seen the topic of transmascs only being seen as men or "affirmed" in their masculinity when it can be used as an excuse to abuse them come up frequently within the preceding week. One was an account of a recent assault in a private channel.

There is a lot of pain and confusion around, and I wanted to help and offer a salve, however rudimentary it may be, by giving transmascs more language to better articulate their experiences and another means of understanding what has been/is done to them and why, so that their pain may be alleviated just a little bit. It's a lot easier to combat something and heal from it when you can name and define it.

I thought it'd only help 10 people at most, which was enough to try.

"Malgendering" was also conjured up in my mind in response to transmascs who pointed to being malgendered as evidence of "misandry", and to give language to the phenomenon without giving credence to "misandry", as the type of corrective sexism that malgendering is is ultimately rooted in misogyny and better understood that way. It is one method of many to punish those who've stepped out of femininity and their assigned role of "woman" (and coerce them back into it if possible).

Though the sexism and gender stereotypes malgendering uses can look to be what could be considered "misandry" on it's face, underneath it is not a genuine hatred of men, but a hatred of transmasculinity specifically. Invoking "misandry" is just a means to an end and a lot of what I see evidenced as "misandry", especially when explained in it's relation to "transandrophobia", is really just misogynandry.

That aspect of it was not established well (because, as previously said, it was wholly unfinished when posted) and did not take hold in it's spread but malgendering as a concept seems to have achieved it's main goal which was to help. And that matters more than my feud with the use of "misandry" in these discussions, so in the end I don't care how transmascs use the word and don't think there are any 'wrong' interpretations of it.*

Words have lives of their own, they take on different meanings and contexts depending on the speaker. Language is subjective, and trying to control it is a futile endeavor that has only ever driven people miserable and insane. I threw "malgendering" out into the wind knowing it'd be carried off and become something else to someone somewhere else. As long as it's still understood what it means when I use it as I originally conceived it, again, I do not care how transmascs use it elsewhere.

*Non-transmascs butting in to police language and decide for transmascs what actually is and is not malgendering, however, are annoying as fuck and wrong on principle. Non-transmascs in general need to stop dictating the narratives around transmasculinity if transmasculine advocacy that actually serves us is to get anywhere - but they won't because too much is at stake for them to not have control over transmasculinity, so they must be resisted and refused any ground whatsoever.

[clarebear-0925]

Flowers, Fight Scenes and Isolation: My Prediction for the Future (And Possible Ending) of Jujutsu Kaisen

Hi. So seeing this extra for volume 26 finally spurred me to articulate all of my thoughts on this subject in one place. Sorry for the length, but let me cook.

Here's the big idea: I believe that Gojo is in fact going to come back— but with a major catch.

Lets review the (mostly theme-based) evidence, shall we?

Firstly, throughout the entire series, we know that Gojo has been incredibly lonely, isolated at the top by Jujutsu society,

As summed up by this iconic panel, with just him, vast empty white space, and his title, the only thing that most people know him for/define him by, aka “the strongest.”

We also know that isolation played a big role in his mental state and thinking until his death, and is something that Gege made sure to reemphasize during his last moments in chapter 236.

In this conversation, Gojo expresses the gap he felt and also sets up the connected imagery of him and flowers.

(In addition, I feel as though it is also significant that the person he finally opens up to about his feelings on this isolation is Geto- more on that later).

Next, JJK is commonly nicknamed “jumpkaisen” as a joke by fans due to how often the characters team up against the villains. However, I think this pattern actually has more significance in the overall narrative than being a funny quirk.

Over the course of the series, we have seen all sorts of teamups between a wide variety of characters- like the widespread jumpkaisen nickname suggests, they are an iconic part of JJK's combat.

However, one character in particular is exempt from this trend- Gojo. (and also Sukuna but we’ll get into that later too.)

He is always fighting alone- as an adult, we never see him fight alongside anyone else the way that other characters do. Even the villains note this when planning their battle strategy:

This is is made especially clear in the final battle (especially with the contrast between the mostly solo Gojo v Sukuna fight and the absolute dogpile that is going on in the manga right now).

The only times we ever saw Gojo fighting alongside another person is with Geto in his youth. Geto is also the only person who didn’t him as “the strongest.” Instead, they were the strongest together, and that is reflected in how they fought together.

But then after everything in Hidden Inventory, Geto too starts to see that gap between him and Gojo.

This results in him leaving Gojo, thus permanently isolating him as “the strongest.” (See also the change from "we're the strongest" in the Hidden Inventory Arc to "I'm the Strongest" in JJK episode 2).

We never see him fight with another person after that.

Ok, so now let’s put these two points (Gojo's isolation and its connection to the fight scenes) to serve up a prediction.

I believe that Gojo is going to come back severely weakened to the point that he will finally have to (or be able to) fight WITH others- in particular, the students who he has made it his express mission to protect and nurture so they can go on to improve Jujutsu society.

This would be in sharp contrast to Sukuna, who has continually refused any chance or notion of love and connection, likely due to his belief that it is unattainable due to his strength.

(Serena on TikTok has an amazing and concise video on this topic- go watch it if you're interested in a better understanding)

I also think that this development would be a great way to show that Gojo HAS been successful in his goal to nurture a better future of Jujutsu- rather than the society isolating and systematically breaking students like it did Geto, the students are now all working together to defeat this insurmountable evil.

So, in conclusion, yes, Sukuna will in fact be defeated by the power of love and friendship (and a couple dozen or so black flashes), and it is NOT Gojover.

Also, here is some vital supplemental information (again from the amazing Serena) regarding the flower depicted on Gojo’s cover and the volume 26 extra.

I think the fact that Gojo compared himself to a flower in Chapter 236 as he died, and the fact that the flower in the supplemental (who he is clearly connected to via the cover art) hasn’t hit the ground yet is a very good (and more concrete) sign for his chances of returning.

Thank you for reading and sorry for the length! I would love to know your guys' thoughts on this theory and what you think will happen in the future of JJK! :)

[thechaoticreader]

Popular Books I Read and HATED

*Disclaimer: If you like any of these books, slay! I'm happy for you! These are just my own consumer choices, and imo negative book reviews are just as helpful as positive ones!*

This list is not long because I don't actively dislike many books that I read, and I have a very good sense of what I will and will not like, but there are some I had to read/were misled into reading so here we go:

1. Tender Is The Flesh

by Agustina Bazterrica

My rant review is above if you want more details but recently I've seen a few videos that articulate my feelings in a way that I couldn't before so im going to add a few reasons here that were not included in the original post:

It gave very Qanon and general antisemitic vibes: i.e blatant conspiracy made up by the "wealthy liberal elites" to encourage cannibalism for their own enjoyment (I know she's Argentinian however that doesn't mean im not allowed to get the ick from it)

Purposefully inaccurate depictions of meat industry and disrespect for farmers (context: im a vegetarian from farm country with a roommate who works in the cattle industry - Angus beef if you're curious - so im very familiar with the process and cannot say in good conscious that it is all bad -> just support local farmers <3)

world building makes little sense

COWS DO NOT EQUATE TO HUMANS NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO !!!!!!!!

the "disease" doesn't make sense (even if its made up who would believe it)

No themes were treated with the depth nor nuance they require (capitalism, feminism, veganism etc.)

I think thats all I haven't covered but this is the only book I have ever read where my hatred of it continues to grow with each day. I went out of my way and deleted it from my reader and get annoyed every time I see it. And for the record (because yes i'm salty) I didn't hate it because it was too disturbing, in fact I've read and loved worse and ive been an avid horror reader since I was (admittedly too) young. I hate it because there wasn't a well done story underneath the gore. I'll say it loudly for the people in the back GORY HORROR BOOKS STILL DESERVE A GOOD/INTERESTING STORY, especially if you want to try to put complex themes in it. If you cannot write a deep story but you're good at and enjoy gore, write yourself a lil 100 page splatter punk and we can all have a good time <3

Unlike with Tender Is The Flesh I don't have a ton of thought out critical reasons for the rest of these soooooo I'm going to give my highly subjective reasons -> I totally understand why some like them <3

2. The Handmaids Tale

by Margaret Atwood

hated the writing style

It didn't keep my attention

disliked the ending so much I actually threw it across the room <3

3. The Hobbit

by J.R.R Tolkien

hated the writing style

male centered fantasy is not my vibe

my ADHD cannot handle long incredibly descriptive sections in books -> I physically fell asleep multiple times while reading this book

honestly even with the movie I fall asleep every time

0/10 book I want to read

10/10 bedtime story

4. Lord of The Flies

by William Golding

hated the writing style

hated most of the characters (and not in a slay anti-hero way)

was forced to read it in high school and it single handedly sent me into a 4 year reading slump... I missed so many good books because of this and will forever hold a grudge

5. Romeo & Juliet

By William Shakespeare

I'm too jaded and gay to enjoy this -> every single character is so painfully stupid

tbh im just bitter that his (imo) better plays get less love than this one, its way over hyped

but I will give it points for boring me so much that I wrote my first fanfic (Romeo x Mercutio if you're curious ... no its not posted anywhere and it never will be <3)

sidenote -> Shakespeare plays I love incl:

Hamlet (duh im a depressed emo gay on Tumblr)

Macbeth (also duh, witches and female manipulator... need I say more)

Othello (a slow burn for the true crime girlies)

Measure for Measure (absolutely underrated, please please please look into this play -> I saw a production of it and it was incredible)

[zuppizup]

do you have any tips you'd like to offer for fanfic writing? your fanfics are amazing snd and i just dont know how you do it

Oh Nonny, honestly you are just way too kind. I really don’t know what tips I can give because honestly, I don’t really know what I’m doing but I shall try. 😅

Writing absolutely is not my day job (far from it) and I have no formal training in it. I just kinda muddle my way through. I really appreciate your kind words though, so I’ll try and share some things I’ve found helpful in my fanfic writing journey.

Write - yep, it’s boring and you hear it all the time but practice makes, well, better. Week to week, month to month, and year to year I see improvement in my writing and so much of that is down to writing… just writing. Not all of it is fit to be seen, but challenging myself by writing often (I try to write something ever day, even if it’s just a thought or a line of dialogue that strikes me) honestly feels like the number one way my writing has improved over the years.

Actively reading stuff I enjoy. So if a fic or a piece of media really grabs me, makes me feel emotional and captivated I try and dissect that. What about it caught my interest? Was it the the character development or the descriptions, world building or how the creator built atmosphere and tension? It’s not about trying to emulate a work you admire, but learning what about it you like and enjoy and seeing how you can adapt that to your particular style.

Writing what you want to read. For me this is a major thing. I write the stories I am interested in. I fundamentally write for me, and so it’s easier to focus and get drawn in by a story because I want to see how it ends. It’s absolutely wonderful if other people are interested in what I write (and publish… coz a lot of it sits on my hard drive…) but I���d still be writing regardless, because I want to know how everything works out.

Try and find fandom friends to be unhinged with. Absolutely easier said than done but if you can and you’re that way inclined, then finding some fandom crazies can be so helpful. I have no idea how many stories I’ve written based off a random “hey guys, can you imagine-” comment that got enabled all to hell. (Hello, enablers!!!)

Have fun! Honestly, this is the most important thing about being a fan writer for me. I’m here to grab my blorbos and throw them into situations and get them out of that situation. I’ve done it repeatedly and I’ll do it again. Coz it’s fun. Because I’m enjoying myself. And I won’t lie, the wonderful community we have, the amazing friends I’ve made and have blast with, the support and kindness I get is beyond description but I’ve been playing in various sandboxes for years (mostly by myself) and I’ve still the most fun exploring my imagination and creativity.

I’m sure other, more articulate and well studied people have far better and more useful insights (there’s legit so much writing advice on YouTube) but those are my random thoughts on the subject. If anyone has something they’d like to add, please do! Because I am absolutely always open up to tips and insights myself. You can never stop learning ☺️

[saint-bestial]

Who's the best character in yugioh 5d's and why is it kiryu?

because of course it's kiryu. man whose deranged behavior infested me from behind the screen. my beloved domestic terrorist wife.

something about a guy who could think himself fucking invincible one week and then the lowest scum the next. the type of dude who plays chicken with death partly because he loves the thrill and partly because he hopes he'll stop getting lucky. he gives me the thoughts that i can't articulate very well rn.

anon i wish i could explain to you in a way that made it seem like i have a brain. there's a lot of other people on here who've discussed this and analyzed him way better than i ever could. but i'll try. and i'll mostly attempt to keep out of headcanon territory but sorry if it leaks i think about him almost constantly he got a little mutated from being microwaved in my brain.

like. when i watched through 5d's, his story was genuinely shocking for ygo. literally shown covered in blood and committing domestic terrorism on screen. a (likely mentally ill) man driven off the deep end by the awful system he lives under. it feels realistic. he's part of why the first half of 5d's is so good.

and then he's just absolutely unhinged as a dark signer and whoever designed his outfit deserves to be sucked silly until the end of their days. no further notes he fucks hard here.

i do love his crash town arc but i'm not crazy about how it was concluded. but i understand the writers needed to wrap up his character within the few episodes they had. i think his recovery would take a very, very long time and he would drag his feet through it the entire time. and i think dropping two kids and a leadership position on him would NOT HELP that AT ALL. considering what happened last time he was in a position of power. idk i feel a lot of people like the single cowboy dad thing but uhh i dont think that'd go so well.

if you want a shorter answer? he's the right amount of unhinged, attractive, and a pinch of just like me fr to make me froth. i want to give him a hug and a warm bath and brush his hair. i also want to subject him to the horrors. he sucks in some of the ways i do so i connect with him in a way that i just don't with the rest of the cast. and sometimes that's all you really need.

idk if you wanted this much but. you got it. you sent an ask about kiryu to the kiryu blog so. lol.

[ventblockeddiary]

My life was already over before I was even born. And now I'm forced to live in a purgatory for however many depressing years I have left (r/offmychest)

Meant to post this on r/offmychest but ironically my post kept getting marked as spam and removed. Anyway.

This is probably going to be a really long post, and I dont really expect anyone to read it all the way through or anything, I think i just need to get this off my chest because i've been feeling this heavy crap for years but i dont think even once that i've sit down and ever wrote it out. and i think i want to, even if it wont help. and if i get dramatic with this im very sorry, it might be cringe lol but i tend to be very dramatic so just ignore that if you read it

I always knew I didn't belong to my immediate surroundings. I was never like my family, or even my bestest, closest friends. Everyone was so different to me. For context, even though I hate saying it out loud/admitting it to the world, I was unlucky enough to be born into an asian household (and not the better, superior asians, either. Im sure you understand what I mean.) and to make it worse, I was born under an abusive, narcissist man of "religion". (cult.)

I love God but He doesn't love me back. I don't blame Him either, I'm repulsive and evil and disobedient. I don't deserve His love or His grace when I am every single thing He hates. Maybe thats why Im being punished. Maybe He knew I was always going to turn out like this, so ever since I was born I've been subjected to nothing but horror and grief and nothing else. nothing else.

I wish i could articulate everything inside me better. this is so fragmented, i know, but i dont even know where to start. I was born on the other side of the world, but I always identified more with the "West"...i know that sounds insane and fucking stupid. But i swear to god, my brain was wired like someone who would grow up *anywhere* but where i was??? my cultural traditions and religious obligations never made sense to me. they were always restrictive. MORE than they should have been. I was always more disturbed by them than my friends, i never managed to connect with anyone because our differences were so vast. While i was thinking of living life free and adventurous, EVERY other person around me, older and younger, were content with the life plans our culture set out for us (married by or around 20, enough kids to be a large family by 28, sitting at home or doing a 'respectable' job)

When i told my best friends, at 11, that i wanted to run away with them and live like roomies in Japan (i was a weeb. embarrasing) they were more grounded in reality and said "well, when we grow up and get married then we can leave our homes for vacations every now and then". but that disgusted me. i didnt want to get married, i didnt want to get old and THEN live my life. I didnt want to go from being one mans property to another mans property. but everyone thought (and still thinks) im insane and "feminist" and a stupid child. i admit that i was delusional...i mean my other friends were more tethered to reality at 11 to know running away from home at our age would be horrible. Why the hell was i so fucking stupicd

When i was younger, romance made me cringe. I was vehemently against shitty romcoms and boring love movies...but i was secretly yearning for it. I didnt realize it then. i realize it now. I made big shows of disgust at anything remotely romantic or lovey dovey, but i think i was craving it more than i let on.

so, the man i was born under, he's extremely....well. sexist and misogynistic and he looks weirdly at VERY young girls. he wouldnt mind ruining someone elses daughter, and he projected that on us i guess. because let me tell you this. I have never left the house alone. I have never been without "supervision". I have never gone to a gender mixed school, he always found the shittiest organizations with girls-only schools and made every. single. fucking. decision for me. I didnt even get the OPPURTUNITY to rebel. To make my own decisions. I wasnt allowed to go out. I wasnt allowed to dress in anything but the crap he and my mom picked. Covered head to toe. I felt disgusted with myself. My mom was disgusted by my rapidly develping body. I think i developed so fast because im disgusting and i was a perverted kid, so i made myself grow way too fucking early. I dont even know why I was so fucking perverted. I think its genetic, because you CAN inherit stuff like that, and since the man i was born under was a disgusting perverted SOB, I got his ugly, defected genes. And i didnt know all this about him until i was 20 i think, because before that we all thought he was super religious and super anti-women, but then we found out he was cheating on my mom with multiple young girls, too many to count. And he told her youre old and disgusting now when hes MUCH older than her. He said 14 year old girls are better. my mom almost went insane with disgust and shame. i had to hold her back from wrekcing her own head.

I dont even know what the hell Im saying anymore. I dont know how to articulate this.

I am 22 now. turning 23 this year. Every birthday is fucking depressing because i realize he stole my teenage years from me, and now hes stealing the last few years of youth i have left. and then what? i'll be married off, wont i? to some ugly man who may or may not be a closeted freak like all of them turn out to be. my mom screams at me, "this is the only way you can get your freedom"

because shes been injected with the same religion's cult-ish ideas. My family is stifling me. The idea that i will never make it out of their clutches makes me want to just. i cant do this anymore.

i wanted to fucking go to uni abroad. after my high school i wasted TWO fucking years tryng to pray and manifest going abroad, escaping this hell hole, gaining some fucking FREEDOM. but i was a fucking fool and i wasted two fucking years in which i got incredibly depressed and my mother always brings up how i wasted two entire fucking years before they forced me to go to the all-girls university i did NOT WANT TO GO TO. They ruined my fucking life by sending me there. This univeristy is more like a fucking school, i cant explain it to you, in fact theyre more strict on girls than they were on us back in fucking SCHOOL. but im almost done. i wasted 3.5 years here. ha.

now my younger brother finished his high school, and everyones talking about sending him to the uk or something :) because hes a boy. my mom is so supportive of it. she would never support me going on my own. i listen to them sit around and talking and it makes me want to.

dont get me wrong. im happy for him. and he worked really hard to get scholarships. I was a r who could barely fucntion so i failed my entire way through high school. he got straight As. he worked for it. he deserves it. But ofc the man we were born under doesnt want him to go. hes the only one. He said to my mom "None of them are ever going to escape my control. Just you see."

He likes seeing us being held back. Makes sense why he runed all our potential and put us in cages.

Theres a lot more.

Theres so much more, about my body, about my limited, closed-off 'friendships', about my own faults, about this damn passport that i want to burn. But i cant put it here. I dont know how to articulate it.

I hate myself so much. Its not just his fault, its my fault too.

Sometimes I think about the multiverse, and I hope to god its real. Because that means that somewhere out there, I exist, and Im happy. maybe in that world, I'm beautiful, and doing youtube like i wanted to. Maybe Im a great poet and literary writer like I've always wanted to be. Maybe Im in theatre. Maybe I know how to do ballet. Maybe I live open and free and maybe i dont hate myself and maybe i dont want to kill myself every waking hour. Maybe i got lucky enough to be born elsewhere, to have a different stamp on my passport, to not be born into a cult. maybe i get to dress how i want and adhere to my own rules and aesthetic and im not always feeling inferior and watching other poeple live my dreams

i dont want to watch my youth slip away anymore

and my situation is so specific, nobody fucking gets it. i see these lucky people on social media, all around me, even in my personal life. and nobody gets it. if i tell someone all they feel is pity. and i dont want pity.

nobody has any advice for me. because i cant fucking get out of here.

someone i begged to to get me anti depressants so i could at least kill my emotiosn told me "i cant get you those, because theyre meant to be taken for a situation that slowly improves. Your situation isnt changing for the foreseeable future. Realisitically. So you'll just get addicted and i'll have to keep upping the dosage until i cant."

i wasnt born sad. my mom keeps saying "you were such a happy baby". yeah, i laughed, even though he was beating on me and i was constantly aware something was wrong with me because of my perversion. i dont think ive been happy ever since i got an iota of conscience.

i wish i wasnt scared of the afterlife. i wish God hadnt outlawed seeing myselg out of all this.

[jackrussle]

Beach boys ranking, for myself

Can't talk about. Might be the best album ever made, I** believe it is but I'm trying not to be blinded by bias. But I mean...

Transcendental, unapproached, listening to it is peeking into something that couldn't have been else the world would have ended idk, sometimes it feels like that.

So ahead of its time that ppl still don't fuck with it. Imo its singular, no imitations bc people wouldn't know what the hell they're imitating. I think after pet sounds, not including smile session (released in 2011), its their best. 2 of the best pop songs ever made among tracks like "wind chimes" and "little pad" and "fall breaks and back to winter". So much psychedelic music of the 60s has a grandiosity, the supposed ego death is very huge and important, but smiley smile is as relevant to the present as it was to the past bc it has none of that twining, muzzy, philosophizing psychedelia of cream or jimi hendrix (luv all that, not devaluing it). smiley smile is hanging out, getting high, giggling, getting scared, and then experiencing a huge but sparing moment of revelation and creativity. It's not "getting at" something real about acid and getting stoned, it's already there. The beach boys stripped themselves, intentionally or not, of fame, what sounds good, what sounds acceptable, whats cool, whats not, whats success, whats failure, saying something or saying nothing. whispering, repetitious, thoughtfulness turning into silliness turning into fear turning into marvel, articulate and then making no sense at all.

The sweetest possible follow up to smiley smiles acidic cackling, so easy to listen to. Hugely irrelevant to anything happening in mainstream 1968 music. Another example imo of the 60s failing itself, leaving something as nice and understanding as this dead in the water. Another lofi grand dad like smiley smile, something that in retrospect makes it sound rly hip 🏄‍♂️❤️

Tied with friends right now...the "it's so over" album of all time. Already posted about it. 2 of my fav songs ever on it, "til I die" and "surfs up", easy argument that surfs Up is top 10 songs everrrrr

It's controversial of me to like this as much as I do, I just love the "mental hospital band at the talent show" vibe. Carl's vocals are insane, it's approach to r&b is off putting, it's a crazy feeling album while not being crazy at all, in fact its a bit dull and weird. But it's not distasteful or bad, which the boys are very capable of being. It's a fun oddball album that I love, subjectively 😭 the boys are fussing around and having an easy time with it, it reminds me of Daniel Johnson or r Stevie Moore. If it was recorded on a cassette bedroom pop heads would go crazy for it

It can do no wrong 🏄‍♀️🏄‍♂️🏄‍♀️🏄‍♂️🏝🏖🏝🏖🏝🏖🌞🌞🥥🥥🥥🥥🍋‍🟩🥥🥥🍋‍🟩🥥🍋‍🟩

I haven't lived with this album like I have the ones I've ranked above it, there's some tracks I'm bored by. Im thinking 'what this is doing? I know it's being done better elsewhere, " but the Fandom swears by sunflower so I'm going to be patient with it. Some all timers tho, "forever" "all I wanna do" and "dierdra" all eerily contemporary

Haven't listened to this all the way through more than once but what I've heard is complete madness and I know ill love it

Definitely the worst beach boys album I've listened to several times and tried to love. It has a sinister, anxious energy, the effort they made to recreate their old sound is vacuous and lethargic, not respectable. I like the track "I went to sleep" and "time to get alone" and ofc I love "our prayer" and "cabin essence" but the Manson song is on this 1 and it's immediately followed by "our prayer". Depressing.

[casspurrjoybell-19]

Does it Matter? - Chapter 54 - Part 2

*Warning: Adult Content*   

Dara let his weight rest back against Maric's chest, he seemed utterly exhausted.

Dara was able to feed himself but he needed Maric to lean on to stay upright and Maric to hold the bowl for him while he ate.

He struggled through the bowl of stew and as soon as he was done he lay back down and immediately ceased all further signs of wakefulness.

Brayan passed Maric his own bowl of stew.

Maric thought he might have to prompt Brayan to eat his despite the conversation they'd had about him not being a child but he ate his own food faster than Maric did.

As soon as he was done, he hauled Bug up against him, pulled the blankets up to tuck them back around him and started dripping water into his mouth again.

About ten minutes into this, after Maric had finished his own food and was considering settling down next to Dara and trying to get some sleep, Bug started coughing.

Brayan set the water-skin aside and patted Bug on the back and after a few seconds he settled down.

His forehead scrunched and he made a quiet sound in the back of his throat.

"Baugh?" Brayan said, his voice so soft it was almost unrecognisable.

Bug's hand fumbled around until it found a fistful of Brayan's shirt to clutch.

"Hmm."

"Are you awake?"

Bug shook his head and snuggled in closer against Brayan.

"You have to wake up, okay? You need a proper drink of water and you need something to eat."

Bug groaned and squirmed but he seemed slightly closer to wakefulness.

"I know you're tired but I need you to fight. I need you to open your eyes."

Bug cracked his eyes open ever so slightly and he murmured... something.

It sounded like several words but Maric couldn't make out one of them.

Dara stirred, reaching a hand out to clutch Bug's arm.

He said something to Bug and it took Maric a moment to realise he wasn't just mumbling too much to be understood.

He had been speaking in Eulan.

Bug's eyes opened further and he stared around the tent in confusion.

"Don't worry about where we are or how we're here or what happened," Brayan told him.

"You're safe. Everyone's safe. That's all that matters right now. I need you to drink some water. Do you understand?"

Bug nodded.

Brayan lifted the water-skin to Bug's lips and Bug reached his hands up to hold it and Bug drank.

He drank slowly, careful not to choke himself but he didn't stop until he'd drained the water-skin entirely.

Brayan set the empty water-skin aside, pressed his hands over Bug's ears and leant away from him and then shouted...

"Mathers... he's awake."

It was odd, seeing him play such a caring role.

It was hard to articulate why it was so incongruent when, honestly, the man had taken care of Maric on numerous occasions.

That had been his job, though, as impersonal as possible, at least until recently.

This was true intimacy and affection.

Brayan had found his weakness and, perhaps, his greatest strength.

Mathers entered the tent and hurried to Brayan's side.

Bug watched Mathers with eyes that kept trying to drift shut of their own accord as Mathers looked him over.

"You're going to be okay," Mathers told Bug.

"You were badly dehydrated but you've had water now. That doesn't make everything better instantly, of course but your body has what it needs now. Well, some of what it needs. I'll get you more water and some soup I made up in a cup just for you. No chewing, no spoons."

"Thank you, Sir," Bug mumbled as Mathers got up to get the things he'd promised, his mouth struggling to form the words.

"You're a free man now," Brayan told Bug.

"No more 'Sirs'. Well, except maybe towards Maric. He is still a prince, after all."

"A prince," Maric said.

"But not his prince. He's not one of my subjects. Neither is Dara. They're under no obligation to treat me any differently from anyone else."

"A good conversation for when he can process language again."

Dara, snuggled down under the blankets with his arms around the dog, made a sound of agreement.

Mathers returned with the promised items and sat down in the tent to watch as Brayan helped Bug eat the soup and then drink more water.

"He should rest again now," Mathers said as soon as Bug was done.

"And so should you. He's unlikely to wake up again any earlier than morning. The four of you..." he glanced at Cassie the dog.

"The five of you should settle in, stay warm, and try to get some sleep."

"We will," Maric assured him.

"Thank you. Is everything in order with the men?"

"Yes, sir," Mathers said.

"Everyone else should be off to bed soon enough as well. The cold makes staying up unappealing."

"I don't disagree with that. Goodnight, Mathers."

"Goodnight, Your Highness. Sleep well."

[infiniteglitterfall]

I've tried to write about how, for the past year, and I genuinely can't even articulate it in my own THOUGHTS.

I start with the experience of knowing about the weaponized rapes within the first week. Because I actively googled eyewitness testimonies. That shit was right there in interviews on PBS.

And then mentioning it to a friend who reads the news all day long, who yet had heard nothing about this and acted like it was questionable and never mentioned it again.

Within a month, I started keeping a file of quotes and links. Of evidence of the systemic sexual assault and mutilation. Because so many people not only refused to believe it, but actively went on the attack.

At the end of the second month, I opened TikTok and got slapped in the face with a podcast clip not only denying systemic rapes by Hamas, but insisting that they were dehumanizing racist lies.

By someone who, in the same speech, said she could believe there had been individual rapes, although she hadn't heard of even one --

Which meant. That she hadn't even bothered to google it herself. To see if maybe there was "one." Before she got dressed all nice and went on a pre-scheduled podcast to say all this stuff.

I got out my file. I picked out the worst examples, a wide and detailed variety of different rapes, from the most clearly reputable sources. I recorded a video in which, because it was during Hanukkah, I cast some light on the subject by lighting the menorah and reading one example after each candle.

Then I never, ever posted it. Because I was terrified of what it would be like, on top of the experience of

being a sexual abuse survivor,

knowing people had been brutally gang-raped, mutilated, and killed,

for being Jewish,

and then seeing people angrily deny it over and over,

while also angrily insisting that Israel doesn't represent Jews, while simultaneously insisting Israel is a Jewish ethnostate, while vehemently telling us we don't need Israel to exist in order to be safe, while saying that no one in Israel is innocent much less a civilian, while saying anti-Zionism isn't antisemitism, after appropriating the Jewish term "Zionism" and redefining it to mean pure evil, after claiming Jews are white supremacists rather than a favorite target of white supremacy, after telling us over and over that we play the victim card and the Holocaust card and we're the REAL Nazis and this is the REAL Holocaust with the ACTUAL concentration camps....

...terrified of what it would be like, on top of all that, to have people come scream all that nonsense at me personally for speaking out on behalf of survivors -- not survivors. The opposite, in fact, of survivors. -- as a survivor.

To bear the burden of their obvious, loudly-denied hatred, as a reaction to stating the obvious, loudly-denied RAPES HAPPENED.

I couldn't do it. I already, routinely stay up until 3 am researching and writing about this stuff: debunking disinformation; looking for updates; researching the history of it all; connecting the dots between different hate groups and different terrorist organizations; investigating how and when all the rhetoric and lies built up across the left.

The day that I realized how soon after Hamas's attack Nerdeen Kiswani had posted about it, I crashed for like a week. I was just in dissociative autistic burnout.

I thought she had posted about it the moment the attack officially started. That was literally terrifying. I got the daylight standard thing wrong, I think; she actually posted a whole two hours later. Samidoun is the only other group I know of that posted earlier, and they're part of one of the terrorist groups that attacked. (The PFLP.)

You see, this is how I react to trauma. I research, and I argue, and I articulate things a little better each time, until I really understand why and how I'm right and can feel confident against people's bullshit.

But like. The sheer fucking wall of hatred. Of just overwhelming Suspicion Of The Jews.

The betrayal of seeing everyone abandon progressive values. Of knowing that we're supposed to believe survivors, supposed to let marginalized groups tell us what harms them, until it's the Jews Zionists.

Of knowing that we're not supposed to mentally divide marginalized groups into Good Ones and Bad Ones, to approve and support only the ones who agree with us. Until it's the Jews; then you can just call anyone you don't agree with a Zionist, and ignore them in favor of the ones who agree that you're not antisemitic and that Israel should be burnt to the ground.

The burning feeling, inside, both cold and hot at once, that comes from a friend who's Very Concerned About Antisemitism saying that you two are just not going to agree about the definition of antisemitism as long as you believe the ADL. As long as you don't understand what a vile smear campaign all these claims of antisemitism are. How much they're exaggerated and made up to make pro-Palestinians look bad.

The nausea of seeing people smugly recite, "every Israeli accusation is a confession," while they accuse Israelis of every individual thing Hamas did. The nausea of realizing you can't even point out how DARVO their Holocaust inversion and genocide claims are, because they've already made even that claim about you.

Watching the disinformation consume everything around us. Realizing that nobody cares whether any of it is true or not. Because it expresses what they feel like is happening. And because, for some of them, it satisfies a need to have Jews you're allowed to hate.

For others, I suspect, it's creating that need at the same time as - temporarily - satisfying it.

The horrifying realization that people have been lied to about EVERYTHING. We're so far behind in telling our own stories, in speaking our truths, that there's already a nearly complete, concrete wall of lies where our truth should be.

The hopeless confusion of trying to understand how to tell people that everything they've been told is wrong. Occam's razor isn't going to cut it here.

I don't know how to explain this to people. I have written so many words here, but they're just the bare bones of what happened.

They don't touch the weird dry cocoon feeling of being muffled in strangers' lies, or how those lies explode into rage if you even challenge them.

They don't touch the sheer fucking mindfuck of watching people devoutly believe and repeat bold-faced lies over and over and over.

They REALLY don't touch the carnival-ride confusion of watching people who have no connection to either Israel or Palestine, who have no personal horse in this race whatsoever, reacting as if every Palestinian harmed or killed is ten innocent members of their own community. And that for every Palestinian that died in the past year, really at least three or four others died too.

But at the same time, actively silencing and erasing any mention of Hamas deliberately harming and executing Palestinians.

And angrily shutting down any mention of the hostages being actively abused by Hamas, or of those it killed in Israel, or those it kills in Gaza through endless rocket misfires, or its promise to repeat its attack "again and again" until Israel has been violently destroyed.

Hamas, PFLP, & Co. have figured out how to phrase things in a way that makes people want to self-immolate for them.

I don't know how they do it. I just know it's bad by itself, and it's going to mean much worse things if nobody can stop them.

It's like we're all being transformed into Jewish Cassandras, doomed to be ignored until... oh good, Agamemnon enslaved her for sex and then his wife killed her.

That sounds like a lot of Jewish history, tbqh. That's just Pogrom Tuesdays.

The whole "Jews are weaponizing their trauma" is so, so fucking gross. It's one of the worst types of antisemitism because it foundationally dehumanizes us. They view us as incapable of experiencing genuine pain of any kind.

People don't understand what it is to be Jewish. Kol Yisrael arevim ze bazeh. I feel a physical connection at the center of my being with every other Jew on Earth. I feel the connection to my Jewish ancestors, because my soul is Jewish. I was at Sinai. I received the Torah.

They cannot fathom that we experience the loss of even one of our own as the loss of a world. The same people killing us glorify themselves in death, they cheer for death and destruction. We say l'chaim! Whole worlds were obliterated, desecrated, stolen and hijacked from us.

By people who pretended to be friends for generations, over twenty years. The Jews living near the Gaza border were peace activists. They were practicing what they preached: coexistence with Arabs. These men knew their children, had been in their homes, knew their names.

On October 8th, everyone screamed at us that we were committing genocide. And on October 9th, they said, "Jews don't really grieve their own. They don't feel pain. Any pain you see is just a reptillian manipulative farce, Don't Trust The Jews. They're Not Like Us."

And we aren't. We aren't like you. We never will be. But we are human beings. We grieve. We suffer. We cry out. We beg and plead. We die. One day, G-d willing, we will dance again, too.

[irregulardiaryposts]

01:37 16/02/2023

Well... its obvs been a while since i updated huh. reading back on some of those .. some of its nice ig and some of it is quite articulate but looking back on some of it with my perspective now, idk its sad but also a little cringe lol. but thats the point of a diary to keep it cringe and truthful to how im feeling in the moment. well anyway

its 2023 woooo im in my second year of uni and things are pretty okay i guess. im still a litlte lonely dont get me wrong but im sure things will get better. um. ive got an essay due at midnight on the 16th (technically today) and im like a third through it? but the first 1/3 is the easiest part cos its just explaining the concepts. anyway im behind on a lot of uni work. for no reason. at all. like theres no good reason behind it other than i need medicated i guess. maybe i really should get meds im an adult now so im hoping they can. its genuinely really affecting my uni performance i cant get out of bed most days during the winter cos its so so cold. why is the world so so cold. my feet are also so so cold. can you tell im procrastinating :P unis still lonely but also i barely go anyway so what would i know anyway. i got some hobbies i guess. anime has revived my want for a tumblr blog so in november i made a new blog for anime ToT. its fun tho i really do enjoy it its so fun and silly and i can be as insane as i want to over fictional characters. better than twitter by a mile cos well yeah. it has also reignited my want to make art, cos then i can post it and other people who are also insane about the same characters can enjoy it too. even if its kinda bad idgaf. the whole 'oh shit two cakes' meme constantly runs through my head.

ahh anyway i also like playing video games too, or ig the difference is i have the money to buy them and a decent laptop to run them on. so that helps fill the void of community im missing. i really miss people. and im a huge introvert for the most part (unless im drunk but shhhh) but i miss not being in my room 24/7. i guess the theme of this update is i need meds ToT. not that it will necessarily be a perfect solution sometimes theyre not but ig it doesnt hurt to talk to a doctor about it. that depends on if i can actually get an appt ahhhhh. i dont have too much to talk about ig just that im alive and barely staying afloat but not actively suicidal so *thumbs up*. i really do need to write this essay i would dislike to get an extension because then i would just put it off again until next week lol. im such a good procrastinator :D this definitely isnt detrimental to my non-existent work ethic.

maybe i can talk about something thats itching at me from my philosophy course. my essay isnt exactly on this topic but i rlly wanna formulate some thoughts on it lol.

so we're talking about what exists in the world right? things people would easily say exist are things like tables, chairs, frogs, dogs, atoms and molecules. things that are a little harder to figure out if they exist are things like love, morality, goodness, numbers, gender. the lists are not exhaustive but that kind of thing. and there's this concept of Ordinary Objects(OO) and Extraordinary Objects(EO). the first list has almost all OO, which are defined as being highly visible objects right before our eyes (that do not escape our notice). the atoms and molecules make things tricky in philosophy as nothing can ever, ever, be simple in this subject. anyway. EO are objects that are also highly visible objects that do escape our notice. you're thinking how can an object, a physical object, that is so obviously in front of us, escape our notice??? well you're not alone in thinking philosophy just makes up things along with justifications of said things just for shits and giggles, and calls it a day, cos that's exactly what i thought when i heard this the first time. and genuinely so much of philosophy is just postulating and theorising about this thing and that thing but its done with such earnestness and sincerity that i get endeared by these stupid dead guys. ANYWAY. the existence of EO are obviously controversial (of course) and even OO are argued too. but yes what are EO exactly? the example given in the reading was a Trog - an object that is composed of a dog and a tree trunk. no, they are not connected in any way, and no they don't even have to be near each other but they can compose this object called a Trog. this is what you can call an EO. it is highly visible (assuming the dog isn't microscopic and the tree is not invisible) and it is right before our eyes yet we never notice it. well of course, who would? but the question is do EO really exist or is it a baseless theory. well...

another example of an

[whims-and-ramblings]

Epiphany- a (very) short story

A certain enlightened disbeliever sat in metallic silence with one leg crossed over the other in his customary train, gazing through the window at a brilliant gold-smeared sky with the cold fascination of a conqueror.

Looking at the same fiery dusk from the same train was a pair of awestruck eyes belonging to a red-cheeked little boy of about seven years; he had recently learned about God and now everything was captivating again.

He turned to the man. “Hey, mister, why does the sky keep changing what it looks like?”

His immaculate composure betrayed a slight scowl, and he tried to explain.

“I don’t get it.”

“You wouldn’t,” came a muttered reply.

“Still, though, isn’t it pretty?”

He conceded a vague assent. These things were subjective.

“God did a real good job making it, huh?”

This touched a nerve, and he forced a sigh. “Who even told you that, your parents? There’s no such thing as God. People just dreamed up all that to content themselves with their ignorance and weakness.” But he was different. He was better.

The uncomprehending child chose to focus on the more comprehensible of his words. Abruptly he blurted- “My grandpa told me.”

The cynic’s mouth twitched. “Then he’s an idiot.” Boorish, ignorant-

“But… how do you know that, mister?” He tilted his head, more curious than ever.

“If such mystical things exist, then where are they? Where did God come from? How could something exist before time itself? I see nothing but contradictions in this fantasy of yours— it’s all against reason!” The words snapped out in a whirlwind in mulish defense of his truths. “What would you know?” Not everyone sees the truth.

The child squinted, probably trying to sound mature. “Hmm… well…” He thought for a moment, and then looked up at him. “I know that I don’t know anything.” he offered.

A tickle of panic ran up his spine. “You don’t even get what I’m talking about.”

“Do you, mister?”

He turned to glare at the boy, whose simple, soul-searching gaze was admiring the sky again— it was dark now, and a crescent moon beamed a mellow silver from behind wispy black clouds. Beneath it was a single star, piercing and metallic, and further below lay a turbulent sea of headlights and streetlamps.

He was the one that had knowledge. That knowledge could never be wrong.

“Say, how do adults know everything’s logical? I mean, that’s what they believe, but…” the boy brokenly articulated- “Maybe they’ve got it all wrong and… nothing is how they think it is? Like, maybe things aren’t always supposed to make sense to us and people just force them to?”

The clouds dissipated, and moonlit epiphany gently washed over the skeptic. And he sat there, blinking at the moon.

It’s nothing but a child’s babble. It’s preposterous.

What was true, and what was not? How was one to tell?

No- he was right. He had escaped ignorance. He had risen above the weakness and futility of irrational belief. He was better.

Every passenger but him deboarded, but he kept staring for what felt like a thousand years, each marked by a thousand thoughts— a thousand pieces that his past convictions had shattered into.

Each thought swam in an overwhelmingly dense haze. The ground had been swiped from under his feet.

His head felt light and spun with a slight dizziness. Now he knew.

False. False, false, false!

What was true, and what was not? How was one to tell?

By thinking, of course!

But he hadn’t started by thinking— he had started with belief— with delusion.

He had built palaces of rationality atop mere mist. And now that mist had dissipated. What a fool he’d been!

And now he realized- he had never really been thinking.

How could he have believed that he, the mortal he, could know all there was to know? That he should ever triumph over the wonderful mysteries and paradoxes of the world?

It was not reason he had worshipped; it was his own loathsome self, logic being the veil hiding the ugliness of his hubris. He had been fighting not for logic, but for himself.

“Why, then, into the mist we go!” he sighed in warm relief. He could see more stars in the sky, each for a new truth he now saw; the city below had dimmed somewhat.

In the slaughter of his monstrous arrogance, he had learnt the freedom of humility. Once he acknowledged the mist, he could see through it. He had become part of it.

Reason without belief is meaningless, and inevitably degrades into vanity. If not for belief, nothing would be knowable. Subjectivity is a manifestation of flaw, but we ever-paradoxical mortals are made human by it. Our logical faculties despise confusion and uncertainty, but they show us our deficiencies.

The boy did not require mansions of fabricated certainty to feel grounded— he was on his way to finding true ground, where logic would admit freely that there are things both beyond and within its reach, where it would yield true fruit and flowers. Thought led him to God, belief made him follow Him.

By embracing the uncertainty and believing in logic, one made things knowable. The mist cleared, letting one see the real scenery. One saw what one could make sense of, and, in paradoxes, a faint glimpse of what one could not.

He woke up, not knowing when he had fallen asleep; dawn had set the clouds ablaze and dyed the sky with its vividity.

He felt giddy.

Did he know what he was going on about?

Goodness, no.

But he was going to look up and find out.

(Written by Nafri Haffi)