ventblockeddiary

[ventblockeddiary]

My life was already over before I was even born. And now I'm forced to live in a purgatory for however many depressing years I have left (r/offmychest)

Meant to post this on r/offmychest but ironically my post kept getting marked as spam and removed. Anyway.

This is probably going to be a really long post, and I dont really expect anyone to read it all the way through or anything, I think i just need to get this off my chest because i've been feeling this heavy crap for years but i dont think even once that i've sit down and ever wrote it out. and i think i want to, even if it wont help. and if i get dramatic with this im very sorry, it might be cringe lol but i tend to be very dramatic so just ignore that if you read it

I always knew I didn't belong to my immediate surroundings. I was never like my family, or even my bestest, closest friends. Everyone was so different to me. For context, even though I hate saying it out loud/admitting it to the world, I was unlucky enough to be born into an asian household (and not the better, superior asians, either. Im sure you understand what I mean.) and to make it worse, I was born under an abusive, narcissist man of "religion". (cult.)

I love God but He doesn't love me back. I don't blame Him either, I'm repulsive and evil and disobedient. I don't deserve His love or His grace when I am every single thing He hates. Maybe thats why Im being punished. Maybe He knew I was always going to turn out like this, so ever since I was born I've been subjected to nothing but horror and grief and nothing else. nothing else.

I wish i could articulate everything inside me better. this is so fragmented, i know, but i dont even know where to start. I was born on the other side of the world, but I always identified more with the "West"...i know that sounds insane and fucking stupid. But i swear to god, my brain was wired like someone who would grow up *anywhere* but where i was??? my cultural traditions and religious obligations never made sense to me. they were always restrictive. MORE than they should have been. I was always more disturbed by them than my friends, i never managed to connect with anyone because our differences were so vast. While i was thinking of living life free and adventurous, EVERY other person around me, older and younger, were content with the life plans our culture set out for us (married by or around 20, enough kids to be a large family by 28, sitting at home or doing a 'respectable' job)

When i told my best friends, at 11, that i wanted to run away with them and live like roomies in Japan (i was a weeb. embarrasing) they were more grounded in reality and said "well, when we grow up and get married then we can leave our homes for vacations every now and then". but that disgusted me. i didnt want to get married, i didnt want to get old and THEN live my life. I didnt want to go from being one mans property to another mans property. but everyone thought (and still thinks) im insane and "feminist" and a stupid child. i admit that i was delusional...i mean my other friends were more tethered to reality at 11 to know running away from home at our age would be horrible. Why the hell was i so fucking stupicd

When i was younger, romance made me cringe. I was vehemently against shitty romcoms and boring love movies...but i was secretly yearning for it. I didnt realize it then. i realize it now. I made big shows of disgust at anything remotely romantic or lovey dovey, but i think i was craving it more than i let on.

so, the man i was born under, he's extremely....well. sexist and misogynistic and he looks weirdly at VERY young girls. he wouldnt mind ruining someone elses daughter, and he projected that on us i guess. because let me tell you this. I have never left the house alone. I have never been without "supervision". I have never gone to a gender mixed school, he always found the shittiest organizations with girls-only schools and made every. single. fucking. decision for me. I didnt even get the OPPURTUNITY to rebel. To make my own decisions. I wasnt allowed to go out. I wasnt allowed to dress in anything but the crap he and my mom picked. Covered head to toe. I felt disgusted with myself. My mom was disgusted by my rapidly develping body. I think i developed so fast because im disgusting and i was a perverted kid, so i made myself grow way too fucking early. I dont even know why I was so fucking perverted. I think its genetic, because you CAN inherit stuff like that, and since the man i was born under was a disgusting perverted SOB, I got his ugly, defected genes. And i didnt know all this about him until i was 20 i think, because before that we all thought he was super religious and super anti-women, but then we found out he was cheating on my mom with multiple young girls, too many to count. And he told her youre old and disgusting now when hes MUCH older than her. He said 14 year old girls are better. my mom almost went insane with disgust and shame. i had to hold her back from wrekcing her own head.

I dont even know what the hell Im saying anymore. I dont know how to articulate this.

I am 22 now. turning 23 this year. Every birthday is fucking depressing because i realize he stole my teenage years from me, and now hes stealing the last few years of youth i have left. and then what? i'll be married off, wont i? to some ugly man who may or may not be a closeted freak like all of them turn out to be. my mom screams at me, "this is the only way you can get your freedom"

because shes been injected with the same religion's cult-ish ideas. My family is stifling me. The idea that i will never make it out of their clutches makes me want to just. i cant do this anymore.

i wanted to fucking go to uni abroad. after my high school i wasted TWO fucking years tryng to pray and manifest going abroad, escaping this hell hole, gaining some fucking FREEDOM. but i was a fucking fool and i wasted two fucking years in which i got incredibly depressed and my mother always brings up how i wasted two entire fucking years before they forced me to go to the all-girls university i did NOT WANT TO GO TO. They ruined my fucking life by sending me there. This univeristy is more like a fucking school, i cant explain it to you, in fact theyre more strict on girls than they were on us back in fucking SCHOOL. but im almost done. i wasted 3.5 years here. ha.

now my younger brother finished his high school, and everyones talking about sending him to the uk or something :) because hes a boy. my mom is so supportive of it. she would never support me going on my own. i listen to them sit around and talking and it makes me want to.

dont get me wrong. im happy for him. and he worked really hard to get scholarships. I was a r who could barely fucntion so i failed my entire way through high school. he got straight As. he worked for it. he deserves it. But ofc the man we were born under doesnt want him to go. hes the only one. He said to my mom "None of them are ever going to escape my control. Just you see."

He likes seeing us being held back. Makes sense why he runed all our potential and put us in cages.

Theres a lot more.

Theres so much more, about my body, about my limited, closed-off 'friendships', about my own faults, about this damn passport that i want to burn. But i cant put it here. I dont know how to articulate it.

I hate myself so much. Its not just his fault, its my fault too.

Sometimes I think about the multiverse, and I hope to god its real. Because that means that somewhere out there, I exist, and Im happy. maybe in that world, I'm beautiful, and doing youtube like i wanted to. Maybe Im a great poet and literary writer like I've always wanted to be. Maybe Im in theatre. Maybe I know how to do ballet. Maybe I live open and free and maybe i dont hate myself and maybe i dont want to kill myself every waking hour. Maybe i got lucky enough to be born elsewhere, to have a different stamp on my passport, to not be born into a cult. maybe i get to dress how i want and adhere to my own rules and aesthetic and im not always feeling inferior and watching other poeple live my dreams

i dont want to watch my youth slip away anymore

and my situation is so specific, nobody fucking gets it. i see these lucky people on social media, all around me, even in my personal life. and nobody gets it. if i tell someone all they feel is pity. and i dont want pity.

nobody has any advice for me. because i cant fucking get out of here.

someone i begged to to get me anti depressants so i could at least kill my emotiosn told me "i cant get you those, because theyre meant to be taken for a situation that slowly improves. Your situation isnt changing for the foreseeable future. Realisitically. So you'll just get addicted and i'll have to keep upping the dosage until i cant."

i wasnt born sad. my mom keeps saying "you were such a happy baby". yeah, i laughed, even though he was beating on me and i was constantly aware something was wrong with me because of my perversion. i dont think ive been happy ever since i got an iota of conscience.

i wish i wasnt scared of the afterlife. i wish God hadnt outlawed seeing myselg out of all this.