#i just am like. holy shit i've been trapped. for this long. i need to get out like soon soon soon soon soon

[penny00dreadful]

So... some of you may have noticed my fics have come to a screeching halt the last couple of months which is not like me and I am here to explain myself.

Babygirl, I have been preparing.

The end of this month is my 1 year anniversary of posting in this fandom, of posting any of my work online after not doing it for like fifteen fucking years and it has brought me so much incandescent joy, I decided I had to do something for it.

(I've also hit like... several milestones which is fucking insane like you all know I'm just some cranky bog witch, right??)

I have been working on my WIPs for over the last two months. All... holy mother of god... like nine of them???

Some of these have been completed, some I am still writing and some are mostly done.

So starting from my anniversary date, 23rd October, every second or third day, I'll be posting a chapter of something.

I have so much material built up this shit could go on until 2024

@hbyrde36 called it my own personal Penny00Dreadful BigBang... and yeah kinda! 😅

I wanted to do this to show just how much I love this community. Your kind words, your support, your unhinged ramblings, your obsessive love, your talent (for free??) it's all amazing it's so amazing and I wanted to explode forth with my love for it so I figured why the fuck not do this stupid idea??😅

All of these will be posted both to tumblr and AO3 so subscribe over there to keep updated or follow me here!

OH! And let me know if you wanna be tagged! If you wanna be tagged for a specific fic or for everything I'll add you, whatever you want.

You've made me so happy and so warm for the last year. The way I know if I'm having a bad day I just need to hop onto this side of tumblr and everything will be peaches and gravy again.

I love you guys so much. 😘🖤

Updated Schedule - (18th Feb 2024)

Fic list with blurbs below the cut, this will (roughly) be the order they're posted in:

Return of The King - COMPLETE

Steddie Vampire AU with a twist! Vampire Steve comes back after falling to the bats. There is two more chapters left and those chapters have been completed.

Comeuppance - COMPLETE

Dustin just wants Steve to be happy. So he tries to parent trap him with Nancy. Clearly they should be together. But Steve's heart doesn't even seem to be in it at all! How is he so bad at this? And Eddie is being less than helpful

Rookie Mistake - COMPLETE

My Steddie Established Relationship Spies AU oneshot that will have a multi-chapter prequel fic coming very soon after!

Eddie is "retired" and Steve has been injured on the job, so he's supposed to be taking it easy. How hard could a walk to the gas station be?

Before He Cheats - COMPLETE

Songfic! Carrie Underwood - Before He Cheats

I literally have no excuse for this one. The rotted brainworms were behind the steering wheel with this one.

One evening, Eddie gets a call from some guy named Steve dropping the news on him that his boyfriend has been cheating on him. With this Steve person and Steve had no idea up until that day.

And Eddie rarely takes that shit lying down.

Steddievember Smut - COMPLETE

No Nut November is here! One can play however he wants. The other just has to wait for December to roll around. I have no other words to describe what this will be, it does what it says on the tin. I blame the STWG discord server. Currently we're looking at four little ficlets for this.

Cat and Mouse - COMPLETE

The Steddie Spies AU Prequel! How they got together and the extreme ups and downs their enemies/rivals to lovers journey goes through. I had so much fun with this one.

And They Were Roommates! - COMPLETE

omg they were roommates.

Steve and Eddie don't hate each other exactly. They just... tolerate each other. But one night Eddie doesn't come home for hours. Long after he's supposed to and it's not like Steve is worried or anything... he's just... concerned for a fellow human being... that's all.

Through The Valley - IN PROGRESS

Post-Apocalyptic AU. Eddie, Dustin and Nancy have a nice little community of survivors outside of Hawkins that they take care of, surviving day to day. Everyone's a little broken, missing the rest of their Party just hoping that one day they'll find each other again.

Devotion

Dungeons and Dragons AU. Steve is the golden boy of the small town of Hawkins. Harrington in name and now a Paladin with his very own oath to hunt down the Bard, the witch Eddie Munson and bring him back to justice under High Priest Henry Creel.

[shenanigans-and-imagines]

Evie (Ace!Tav) Playthrough Day 4

(I love Evie in this fit)

Day 1… Day 3- Day 5

Astarion x Evie (Ace!Tav) Masterlist

For the uninitiated, I wrote a Tav well before I ever had a chance to play the game. Now, I finally can and thought it might be fun for my first play through to be as that Tav. Or, at least as much as the game play will allow me.

These are just some of my notes and scattered highlights that I thought would be fun to share.

Let me know if you think if I should continue this and any suggestions you might have.

So much happened you guys holy shit!!!

Technically this is a combination of two days, since I didn't have time last night and figured I'd wait until after I played some more today (there is just so much of this game I feel like two hour sessions barely scratch the surface)

First off, it took me way too long to figure out how to deactivate the traps in the back cavern in the Emerald Grove

Legitimately nearly died twice; if it weren't for my saves I would have

Not ashamed to admit, I needed to google it; I have never claimed to be a "gamer"

Still got it sorted (and if anybody knows how to get to that center bit in the middle of the cavern, please let me know)

After that decided to go after best girl Karlach

Ran into the Owl Bear cave first and I am upset

I *really* didn't want to kill the Owl Bear mama, but even with non-lethal damage the cub still eats it's mother; seems like it all is the same in the end

I'm now thinking more and more that Evie and Shadowheart get to be good friends; Evie takes a more benefit of the doubt approach to people, and I don't think she knows enough about the Gods and Shar specifically to have many thoughts on the subject

I've been purposefully handing all the books and other info to whoever else is there so Evie doesn't get the info from reading

Lae'zel and Shadowheart are also majorly at each other's throats in the first act

Lae'zel also would not be a fan of Evie; Evie comparatively talks way too much for Lae'zel's taste (+11 to Persuasion will do that to a person) (did I mention I love bards)

Did eventually get to Karlach and she's so great guys! I knew I was going to love her, but I *love* her

She deserves to wreck the Paladins of Tyr hide out, as a treat

(That one bitch was giving me so much trouble, thank God for Wyll's Eldritch Blast or we would have been spending all our actions just trying to keep up)

I am once again faced with not being able to punch a ginger bitch because of *consequences*

Also, I hate all the options they give you when talking to Wyll after he's transformed into a devil

None of this is what Evie would say to him!

Either way though, I am secure in the fact that Wyll would like Evie (even if he's not a fan of her trust in Astarion)

So, one long rest later and we're heading towards the Blighted Villiage; Astarion, Gale and Karlach in toe

Came across the boar and Astarion really is so suspicious

I also think at this point Astarion really doesn't know what to make of Evie; placing her in category bleeding heart no doubt and not certain of her abilities

She's a good talker, as she's able to convince the goblins to let them pass without a fight

On the other hand, she did assists Gale with his little problem, sacrificing a necklace of Dancing Lights

Also it doesn't help that she was nice to a gnome

I think what starts to change his mind though is when they meet Raphael on the road

I really do wish you could give Gur as a background, because even if Evie didn't grow up in the caravan, I do think just culturally she'd pick up on stuff

Not trusting devils I'm sure is top of the list

I wasn't expecting to have Evie so viscerally mistrusting of Raphael, but it felt right to play it that way

I'm not sure who he'd remind her of in her past, but I do think there is something beyond just him being a devil that rubs her the wrong way

Either way, her rejection of a devil's bargain that would not only enslave her, but likely them as well, even in exchange for a cure does re-color some things

Not sure where to insert this in the grand scheme of the narrative, but Evie did let Astarion open the door on the orger and hobgoblin

Evie's talking did not help in this situation

I know the narrative makes it clear what's happening, but I'm thinking Evie might have had a random ace blind spot moment

Like she's not totally naive about sex, but when it's usually the last thing on your mind (and you just talked with a devil), it's not the first thing you picture at the sound of banging

Not her smoothest moment; (honestly the sudden violence is a god send for everyone not to ask her more questions about it)

Either way, went back to the grove with some of the infernal iron and got Karlach stabilized at least

I love Karlach and Wyll's friendship, I support wholesome ships; low key starting to ship her with Dammon though

He's real cute, Karlach deserves a nice guy, and you know he'd roll with the punches

Another long rest later and we're here

The scene

I've been thinking about the build up to this scene

Obviously we know in origins it's after Astarion has a vision of Cazador and wanting to push the limits of his new found freedom by going against one of his rules

But I keep coming back to why Evie

Astarion can likely smell something being wrong with Gale's blood, Wyll just turned into a devil and would likely kill him, Karlach's blood is literal fire, and Lae'zel would also absolutely kill him

That leaves Shadowheart and Evie

Shadowheart is a big question mark to him; she follows Shar, maybe she might even like being bitten

But then there's Evie who has shown time and time again that she wants to help

This is about survival after all, and it would only be a taste

IDK, exploring it; add it to the list of possible future fics

But Evie obviously does wake up and does allow Astarion to bite her

As for Evie's motivations as to why, yes, Astarion is a prickly bastard, but he's in the same boat as the rest of them

If he wanted to hurt them, surely he would have done it by now

She recognizes the look in his eyes, Gods know she's worn it enough; the man is starving, the fact he hasn't done anything until now says a lot

This is definitely the shift in her and Astarion's relationship where they start to actually warm up to each other

So next morning gang wakes up, Evie stands up to Astarion saying she trusts him and heads out again towards the goblin camp; Shadowheart, Astarion and Lae'zel in toe

So Evie's current standing with the party;

Gale has disclosed his condition and gotten the first magical item; high rating with Evie, thinks of her as somebody who he can not only trust, but as someone who has shown bravery and true kindness (not to mention eloquence); maybe starting to form an...appreciation

Wyll has turned into a devil and certainly likes Evie, but maybe a little doubtful in her trust in Astarion and some dealings with the goblins

Shadowheart; genuinely trusts Evie as she's revealed her ambitions as a follower of Shar, and used the artifact in front of Evie in order to protect them from the influence of The Absolute (also might be starting to crush on her, but Evie has not been taking the opportunity to flirt)

Karlach: too soon to tell, but seems like a good person

Lae'zel: not a fan, too weak willed and doesn't know her place; talks too much

Astarion; unsure, certainly knows he can trust her now, to an extent; still too much of a bleeding heart, but then again, it's helped him; at the very least she knows to draw the line with devils and willing to kill to stay alive, over all a fair ally to have

Oh! I can't believe I forgot about my new best boy!

Scratch!

[whatwooshkai]

ANGST

couldn't get this scenario out of my head. ended up being really long so I stuck it under the cut.

Heatwave's yelling, but Quint can't hear a word he says.

It's already been too long of a day, and it's barely noon- Baz had an episode this morning, Saint knocked over the tar, and Quicksilver fried the power grid again.

And now Heatwave's here, clearly in a shitty mood, and making it Quint's problem.

He's just a kid, he tells himself, lightly patting his thighs in an attempt to ground himself. He needs you. You've just gotta support him.

How am I supposed to support him if I can't even look at him?

Quint reaches out and grabs Heatwave's shoulder, holding him an arm's length away. He can feel the kid's too-fast sparkbeat thrum angrily through his frame, can feel the reverberations of his shouting. He still can't understand a word.

Vent in, vent out. Quint doesn't say anything, just leans a little more of his weight against Heatwave. What the hell am I doing? Why can't I-

Oh. Heatwave's hitting him now, whacking oddly thrown punches against his hip and torso. I taught him proper form, didn't I? He must be really upset.

Ooh, that one actually hurt. Shit. Just. Do. SOMETHING!

"Will you-" Bang. "-just-" Bang. "-fucking-" Bang. "-look at me!"

Something feels like it snaps. Or maybe it doesn't. Either way, it feels like Quint is underwater when he obeys the request, slow moving through a heavy-gravitational atmosphere. Lethargic. Delayed. Wrong.

There, leaning against him, attacking and looking for a fight, is himself. Smaller, younger, Quint. A mech who made so many mistakes, did so many things wrong, and yet. And yet who had the audacity to treat the world like it had hurt him. A mech he hated.

He stares down at himself, still shouting, hitting, crying out for attention, and says the thing he wishes someone had said to him thousands of years ago.

"WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?"

Something about all this clicks in his processor the second the ladder slips past his digit-tips, that he can't possibly be seeing himself. He's never been prone to hallucinations, and there's no physical aspect to that, is there-

Heatwave. Holy fuck, HEATWAVE.

It's like his optics blink back on- the florescent lighting of the training room floods his vision as he cycles his optics, once, twice, three times. His servos are shaking. He thinks he might purge at the sight on front of him.

Heatwave, trapped against the wall. There's a ladder, one of Quint's ladders, parallel to the floor, buried deep in the wall, trapping Heatwave's neck in. The glass of his windshield is smashed with the metal around it dented. Blood drips off the sharp edges.

He's used that move before. Smacking someone with a ladder then trapping them with it.

He could've killed him.

"Are you okay?" Quint's voice comes out staticy, and the ladder shivers under his servos, shaking violently. "Are you- oh, Primus, you're not, I-"

Heatwave's looking at him strangely. "You have to teach me that move," he says softly, awed, but there's a slight shake to his voice. He's in pain. Scared. His field isn't hiding shit.

Quint tucks the ladder back into his frame, crouching. "Yeah. Yeah, I can teach you." He offers a servo to Heatwave. After a moment of hesitation, he takes it, and Quint yanks him into a hug, careful of his chassis.

"I'm so sorry," he whispers. "I didn't mean to hurt you. Or scare you. I'm sorry. Primus, I'm so- you're hurt. You're bleeding. Let me fix it."

Heatwave's quiet and stiff in his arms, but he tentatively returns the hug. "Yeah. I kind of... can't walk around like this."

"Right," Quint mumbles.

"I'm not scared of you," Heatwave says, voice a little stronger now. "I've had worse."

"You shouldn't be scared," Quint assures, then quieter, he adds, "you're not me."

The slight pulse of his field makes Quint wonder if he understands. He hopes he does. He doesn't want to have to say it.

[lyman-garfiel]

Tell me about scarab from F&C in your own words

Warning for extreme levels of autism.

scarab is my quote "bitch wife" aka i've selfshipped with him for so long he's become my fp which is...not really a good thing but hey! shows he's very fundamental to my life. guh where do i begin, scrabs is a very very interesting character in the way he is initially presented as a threat slowly gets broken down over the course of the show. i also like that he's not really well liked by most other cosmic entities, though we really only see him interacting with prismo and orbo.. he's REALLY petty and stuck up and i love that about him, like genuinley he is SUCH a prick about evreything that i kind of understand why orbo brushed him off when he was trying to explain the illegal shit prismo was doing, which holy shit i need to know what the fuck their beef is aside from scrab want time room he want power. but I also would not be upset if his grudge against the wishmaster was just that shallow. he's just,,, an absolute masterpiece of a villain being so terrifying to our protags yet so EASILY THWARTED, like... wk trapped that bitch in ice and all he could do was yell about a bunch of empty threats at cake briefly [which like... he has telepathy i guess??] Scarab is a very "aesthetic first practicality next" type of guy, slowly taking his time hunting them down and being theatrical when he finally found them in farmworld, [only to be flung by Finn like that bitch weighed nothing.] and i just,,,, i love the duality of his nature between this regal, clean, poise creature he tries to make himself out to be and the screaming little idiot he really is underneath, i've gone off about it before but i am in love with his character design [as well as everything else about him..] and it shows his duality so so perfectly even if his anatomy is hard to understand at times he gets a pass for being a shapeshifter. Its just so comical to me this arguably scary guy that you do not want to be a target of is also just .. this very disliked dude by all his co-workers, like he’s,,, he;s just a bitch that's the best way i can put it, he is a very egotistical freak who is very dedicated to his job to the point of arresting people for arguably minor offenses… please don’t tell my wife that i pirate shows.. I also think its interesting he relies on his crystal despite displaying extreme feats of strength [collapsed a building just via slamming his body into it, grabbing a huge chunk of pavement, ect..] i mean it makes sense as its a multitool and needed to complete his job [which i could go on a whole other rant about how his crystal is so interesting in itself as a piece of tech] but it's  so interesting as he displays some very interesting combat like..he could kick people's asses very easily but he’s too focused on theatrics, like he’s so desperate to be menacing.. Also his mask being a voice changer,,,, is so adorable bros out here with that shrimp voice and lowering the pitch for his rantsona. I only got to experience scarab the god auditor for 23 minutes and 53 seconds. But oh my  god did he captivate me, i need to shake this guy around and bite him a little bit, my fictoromantic ass is so in love with him but in the same way that i put my head in my talons and groan, i used to be like a big big scarab apologist and in some ways i still am but ive rewatched his screen time in particular so many times that i just…as much as i love him i GET why his co-workers absolutely hate him. Despite all that he is my wife and i love him very much, this has been my ted talk and like and subscribe

[fettuccinewrites]

I AM HERE to give a fic review nobody asked for but i have no one else to talk about it

I have finished CWM couple hours ago and i've been obsessing over it ever since. Firstly would like to point out that cwm was already in my reading list and when i decided to start reading it after sending you that first ask i kept asking myself "why didn't i read it sooner?" cause i do have a severe case of love square brainrot and i have an unresolved passion with ice skating so why haven't i read that indeed.

Then I got the scene in which Adrien's ed is revealed and it was a big OH THAT'S WHY moment for me. I have been recovering from an ed myself for years and i try to avoid the topic because i dont think i'm there yet yk? ANYWAYS. That did make my reading take a little longer than planned, out of caution really, but nothing i couldn't handle (my therapist will be very proud). On that note, I would like to apologize for needing to skip some of the more in-depth ed related parts, but to also congratulate you on the way you handled the subject. I don't usually feel safe reading these type of stories, but cwm was an exception due to your writing and story telling skills.

MOVING ON cause i feel cringey talking about my ed but you really deserve the praise for this

It really is amazing how well you are able to sell rivals to lovers narrative. dymdc and cwm both had me invested in their rivalry. It didn't feel forced, the progression of the relationship had incredible pacing and the reasons behind were believable. Like, writing this trope is so hard because it's easy to fall in traps of the narrative – not making the rivalry strong enough or making it too strong and having to bullshit a reason to end it – but you do it SO WELL. LIKE. i actually don't have words, I keysmashed three times over this so yeah i guess that's what i have to say.

Something I would also like to point out: the choice of performances. bruh. You matched the characters vibes to the choreographies so well. Like I know nothing about the fem skater from the 2010 phantom of the opera but I can see Lila so clearly in her expressions that makes me want to punch her in the face. The way the snake dance has Kagami's seriousness and precision and Luka's edge and style. *chefs kiss*

Now on the note of Moulin Rouge for Adrienette, i feel like keysmashing is not enough i need to bark. The way the story of the performance is a parallel to their relationship AND andrien's condition. Part of me thought he was going to die. I lost cound how many times I cried while reading this and I wish I could have recorded the way i GASPED when they came in twelfth. Had me shaking and tearing up ngl.

The one thing i did not understand tho was why Marinette kept that Gabriel remade their costumes a secret. Like I get Adrien making his piece with the relationship with his bio father, and deciding not to pursue one with him anymore, but Marinette not telling him felt a little shady for me. Maybe I missed something, but I don't think that shutting that door was up to her. I like the ending for Gabriel and Adrien, but idk maybe i just don't like that Marinette kept it a secret from him.

Alright I think I've said enough for one ask holy shit look at the size of this so i'm gonna stop it here. I think I said everything I wanted to say, but if I remember anything else – and I'm still welcome in here –i'll come back to dump more unrequited opinions.

Thank you so much for sharing your amazing work with us 🧡

omg! thank you!! one thing about me is i LIVE for long comments, particularly about cwm (my forever favorite story) so you are always welcome

i figured the ed parts would be difficult for some people to read, so they are 100% skippable & i’m glad you were able to take advantage of that and still enjoy the story ❤️

i love that you actually went and looked up the performances bc i just feel like it enhances the reading experience so much??? moulin rouge felt like the ONLY choice for them, i am soooo glad the parallels were noticed bc it was very much my intention :)))))

re: costumes… really just needed to wrap up that plot line and didn’t know how else to do it haha. I’d spent far too long on it already, and thought of it as like a parting gift kinda thing? A was done with G so (in my head) she didn’t see a reason to tell him, i guess. 🤷🏻‍♀️

anywayyyyy always happy to talk cwm! or writing! or dymdc! or anything else <3333

[kemimariesworld]

12 house profection year journal entry #4

I'm currently sitting with a lot of insights. Some of them are ones that continue to rise over and over. Like the fact that I am different. That fact is a guiding principal in my life and I've worked hard to transform this negative core belief into a positive one. Being in my 12th house year, I am realizing a lot and while many may turn inwards towards solitude, this year thus fas is encouraging me to step outward with my true inner self. I've come to a sad reality that I have hid so many worthwhile parts of myself for majority of my life. The eccentric beauty and differences within me have been kidnapped by a quiet tone and societal standard driven attitude.

The Pattern App says "its possible people have no sense of just how unique you are because its so repressed. As a result, you may feel alienated and blocked from being yourself." And holy shit.

I'm coming into this awareness that many people know me as a quiet, introverted, to self person because I've held a repressed mask over myself since I was young. Some people just see me as a spiritual guide they can go to. Others see me as someone they only come to for advice. I haven't fully allowed myself to be alllllll sides of me. I've niched down and my platform has allowed me to easily do so, hiding behind my content and continuously doing what others desired from me. January 2022 hit me hard last year because "all of a sudden" (it was spiritual), I no longer wanted to do what I do. There was something missing and I couldn't understand until December 2022, the very last minute. But last year was the beginning of this unravelling of who I thought I was. This happens to me often, actually. Every time I think I know and I finally settle into something, spirit kicks me out. I'm coming to realize that I am not meant to settle or be one way forever. I am meant to grow and continuously change. I am not meant to get complacent. I got very comfortable stepping into the work I was doing, but looking back, I would've stayed exactly where I was at... doing the same shit and I wouldn't have stopped to intentionally question my own desires. As this 12 house year commences, I'm finally becoming aware of what ive hidden and thats eccentric, unique me. A me that my partner has brought out of me and reminded me of.

The Pattern App classifies this as "unconventional outsider" and "intelligent outsider." It's true. My entire life I have felt like an outsider. Starting from age 8, I always felt like I needed to prove myself. I thought taking the traditional routes and being the absolute perfect best at them would make me valuable. I held onto meritocracy and grind culture. I did it all, and even in trying to stick the standard... I didn't. I graduated with a Bachelors at 20. I started receiving college credit at 16. Started college at 17. I gave birth at 18. Even when I tried to be traditional, I still did it differently. However, I was always motivated by criticism, doubt, and feelings of inadequacy. This perfectionism led me to be an overachiever. As the pattern says, "theres always the pressure to be better and do more." Yet, it was never good enough. "This is the most painful part of the process: discovering that even when you exceed expectations, it won't fill the void and relieve the pressure you feel. Nothing external will deliver the self love youre looking for-- only you can give that to yourself." I never felt seen and I haven't felt seen until this past year. I never felt seen because I never even saw myself. I hid myself. People only saw what I can DO for them and I trapped myself there for a long time. For majority of my life, I shut down my eccentric brilliance and traded it to essentially dominate social standards and all of the spaces I enter, because I thought that would make me worthy, desirable and valuable. I thought that's how I could be seen and recognized.

But my path is to cultivate a sense of self worth that doesnt rely on outside validation and that means I have to operate from a place of my true, different self. I am coming to terms with the idea that being different and expressing myself in such a way... means there is no knight in shining validation coming. That comes from being me and loving me. I've been doing the self love work for a while and I truly do love myself. I'm at a new place now though: expressing my true self and taking up space. Not repressing myself. Not shutting down. not hiding behind anything. The self that I love? I can display. I do not have to compartmentalize myself just because I feel like others will be harsh, critical and judgmental.

My self judgment tells me that I'm too out of the box. It tells me I'm too much. It tells me I'm too weird for others. It tells me that even though I love these things about me, others will probably hate it so just don't share. When I do share, I often feel like people judge me harshly and hit me with criticism immediately. I'm not often validated in my eccentricity and differences.

When I was younger, I wanted to be a creative artist but was quickly told that doesn't make money, and I have to choose to do something else with my life. I'm happy that the Universe proved those people wrong and moved me towards my inner child dreams without me even realizing it. Regardless, I constantly feel like I'm running against limits and it really shuts me down from being me.

People dont understand the way I think or appreciate the perspectives and then later on, people jump onto the bandwagon and get it. It happens in every space i'm in. My first year speaking on spirituality, I was met with resistance and hex groups from others in the community. But when I started growing on spiritual twitter, everyone suddenly wanted to be friends. People, typically of authority in a space, shut me down before they open up, so i've always felt shutdown when I do or say things. Courage is the only thing that keeps me going. I also know that I have an innate strength to be 100% fearless in a way many people just don't have and I think it's important that I show others that they can too. I see myself as an example. If no one else will, I will. That aries rising keeps me going.

I think for the past 22 years, I've let others validation and what they say I "should" be doing really take hold of my motivations. PSA: just because others applaud, doesn't mean you have to keep yourself in the box they congratulate you for being in. Do what you want, not just what others say youre good at.

The past 4 years, the grips of those boundaries have slowly withered away. Now, in this 12th house year, things are getting very real and its all dissolving. I'm at a place where I am fully letting go of others ideas. I am seeing the beauty in everything I've hidden.

Emotions definitely overwhelm me when I think about how I've shut myself down. It feels good to be realizing my true motivations and desires, but it's also sad, because I feel like I gave so many years away to negative doubts and beliefs. Imagine if we nurtured differences and divergencies? I always start crying thinking about the lies in which I've told myself and the boxes I've kept myself in these past 11 years. I've truly believed that my inner eccentric is different and bad. It's not true though.

"If you cling to the status quo, you'll likely continue to meet resistance or feel unfulfilled. You're supposed to explore your uniqueness and do things differently. You're the exception to the rule - ignore any judgment and find the courage to break free. You're meant to stand outside of whats considered normal."

Sometimes I read that last line over and over. This is something I've been in therapy for. I am meant to stand outside of whats considered normal.

That eccentric part of me was cast out and improperly treated. I want to nourish the differences within me and seek freedom at all costs. I am coming to terms with:

-the idea that I can't do what everyone else does because im not like everyone else. That is okay.

-the idea that anytime I go the standard, traditional route, the universe will kick me off of it.

-the idea that I'm not supposed to be easily digestible and understood. Coming to terms with the idea that you will never be fully understood is HARD and it can feel so lonely, but the tea is: you will be fully understood by yourself as long as you listen.

-the idea that holding onto traditionalism tightly will only cause me hell which means it's essential that I choose the unconventional path that my heart desires. Choosing that path means I must undergo the pressures, criticism, and judgments of everyone around me. Although I want to be accepted and loved, Saturn and Uranus say my existence and truth is supposed to challenge the shit everyone does. I am meant to enact change and show things that can be done. That never comes with ease. People like whats comfortable, not whats different. People dont like change.

So I'm coming to terms with so many ideas around my worth, my eccentricities, and sitting with the hard truth that if I want to live my most freeing and joyful life, I have to value my truth more than I value others criticisms and I cannot let those judgments get me down. (Thankfully, I've been blessed with a twitter platform which has most definitely taught me this first point.) I have to walk with my freedom instead of holding onto the pressures of others. I have to show myself and finally let myself take up space.

I see everything shifting everyday as I make intentional, conscious decisions to validate all the parts of me which are different. I validate my out of the box desires, my unpredictability, my intense impulses and drive, my desire to live on an island by myself, my exceptional drive and ability to make shit happen, my detached energy, my lack of texting response bc I'm actually present in daily life, my disconnect from pop culture, etc. I want things and I love things that most people don't want nor like and I am okay with it. How I define and view this world is very different. Even my choice to move out of the country is such a big jump for me that I've always wanted to make. My views of sex, gender, femininity, masculinity, luxury, healing, literally everything... is so fucking different. I am okay with that. I can share from that place.

I'm no longer pretending i'm like everyone else because that just leaves me feeling more alienated.

I am coming to terms with the idea that my existence is disruptive to the status quo and that is okay. No matter what, I can't conform. The universe is showing me that... its not going to work anymore. My goal is to pursue freedom and joy, release the pressures and ideas others have for the direction of my life.

I am realizing all these things about myself... all the boxes I've been in for so damn long. It makes me cry. I'm grieving. I'm shocked. It feels like I'm rescuing myself and its emotional. I'm finally allowing myself to step out into myself. Every time I face resistance or pushback, I feel a deep calling within, validating my goals and desires. I am able to receive others criticisms and ideas without internalizing them or thinking I need to shift anything. I am trusting in me. I am choosing me finally and I feel very good.

[stealthnoodle]

We're Fucking That Fish Again: Let's Play Tears of the Kingdom

It's getting hot in here (by which I mean I cleared the Fire Temple and found the Zoras.)

Well, it's happened. I've caved. I'm doing the goddamn Fire Temple. I hope you're happy, big son.

…And now I've DOUBLE caved. I'm wearing fireproof pants instead of my cute puffy pink ones. Don't look below my waist. Avert your eyes from my leggy shame:

(I will never cave on my fancy hat and bare chest.)

I get the sense that I'm subverting some puzzles in the Fire Temples with my sheer determination to scale every wall and swim up through every ceiling, but it's my prerogative to work harder, not smarter, okay

At this point Yunobo's unshakeable belief that the thing-in-Zelda's-body is in peril and requires rescuing is extremely funny to me. My boy could see her holding up a bank and be like, "Oh no! We have to save Princess Zelda from that gun in her hand!"

Marbled Gohma is giving me a taste of my own carpet-bombing medicine and I DO NOT CARE FOR IT

Oh fuck when I try to load a bomb arrow it IMMEDIATELY blows up in my face

This boss is a trap set for me, specifically

UGH I had to beat it by WHACKING it with a MELEE weapon like an ANIMAL

Damn, ancestor Goron has a cool mask, too! Like a big ol' toothy fish. I really hope this ends with my ass getting Majora'd. Or a big Good Masks vs. Evil Masks showdown where I get to be a jumbo-sized Fierce Deity. Fly me to the moon, please and thank you

Zelda continues to be the busiest and least temporally deferential time traveler since Lucca Ashtear

I got a fist bump and a gay little thumb ring, which is great, but the latest magatama is on Yunobo's belt instead of in my mouth, and that continues to be bullshit

I'm sorry, this quest is about me convincing people NOT to do their job in their underpants? No one has ever been more poorly suited to a task.

Every time I see Link's natural hair I am briefly disoriented

CAN'T RELATE:

My post-temple wanderings have brought me to the first Zora I've seen all game! I threw some wet fruit at him and learned how to clean up sludge. I'm gonna Captain Planet my way through that shit from now on

EXCUSE ME WHAT AM I LOOKING AT

DID YOU LITERALLY BUILD A STATUE OF LINK RIDING SIDON AND TUGGING ON THE EQUIVALENT OF HIS HAIR

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Holy shit holy shit and the Zora showing it off to me is his fiancée???

Am I being invited to a very wet threeway

Link just spurted all over a statue of himself barebacking her betrothed and she's like, oh, you should go talk to him and then come find me, wink! What is happening

Lol I just found Sidon and apparently the dynamic at play here is more Yona attempting to drum up interest from Sidon by inviting Link into their sex life. I am scarcely exaggerating when I paraphrase Sidon's dialogue as, "Greetings, my beloved friend! My most cherished bosom companion! I have longed after you and rejoice in gazing upon you at last! …Oh, my fiancée? Yes, I suppose I am to be wed. Nice girl, we grew up together, drifted apart, you know how it goes. Anyway, is there literally anything I can do for you, light of my life?"

I am NOT KIDDING:

Bless the devs who chose to carry on Link's fine fish-fucking tradition, they are the horny heroes we need

I have a hit a wall of untranslatable slab so I am zipping off elsewhere

Let the record show that just as I will fall for every assassin disguised as a researcher underground, so will I pick up a suspicious bunch of bananas in a field where bananas can't grow and be shocked when they are an assassin's trap

[broodyjoey]

tw // sui ideation

This house just makes me want to fucking end myself, but my therapist said that it was good when I was using my little mantra to divert the sui feelings and urges into tangible sadness instead of letting it pent up inside my mind. She said it was alright to cry but I can't even cry now, I'm constipated emotionally again...All the effort we put into making me much better at handling my emotions and defending against abuse has gone down the damn toilet during these past 2 years I haven't seen her. I feel like I can never get out of this hell hole anymore.

She used to make me feel like I was walking towards a good path, filled with progress but now that the insurance lapsed. Now that I'm no longer in therapy, I'm constantly depressed. I can't seem to get out of the house when it matters the most. Or take care of my daily personal hygiene, or eat properly. I have no appetite on most days and I can't stay afloat of my chores, I feel like I'm constantly drowning...

I need to find the time now, to crawl out of the house on time to the national clinics, with these cursed ass opening hours that nobody can make time for...I don't know how I used to be able to make it there after school, even tho my school is in a whole other district...Plus the waiting times in my town's clinic are abysmal - a whole fucking 3~5 hours mfr

That's fucking crazy, I don't even know what is the lunch hours for these cursed ass national clinics with fuck knows when opening hours...Somehow I always arrive during their break hours or when they're closing. Idk how I keep doing that but I followed the Gmap timings for it...they still kick me out early depending on the busyness of the day. I've had enough of that!! Scam opening hours, fake news...How tf do they expect people to get the necessary national clinic documents if those stupid ass national clinics won't even let me see a doctor... T.T

I need to go to the clinic soon; it'll be a whole 3 months wait for the recommendation letter to go thru and the waiting list for psych is crazy (pun not intended) long. I'm surprised anybody survives this wait. No wonder why my work friend from one of my previous jobs entered the National Mental Institute, and so did my ex, Isaac. (No real names are used online heheh :) ) My ex was having sui ideation but got thrown into the grippy sock land because he called the wrong number (I called the mental health hotline, and he called the ambulance...) Our country has the most terrible ways of handling mental health problems. You have to be raised a certain type of vigilant, to be cautious enough to skip through all these process-traps that will throw you unwillingly into the grippy sock land. I'm both vigilant and paranoid enough from my abusive childhood that I'm good at sussing out what to do to get me on the safest path to my goals. I won't say that every mentally ill person has the exact same balance of cautiousness and being able to mask so well, So well that officials gave me the green light to go for outpatient care.

Somehow I always arrive during their break hours or when they're closing; the doctor that I got was just pure luck tho. That I can't deny, but I am very good at making people think I'm fine enough to function. I don't tell my family anything vulnerable, people like me with this type of upbringing will die if someone gets a hold of my secrets. No matter how benign people with healthy childhoods think it is. I've almost been attacked by my mother for speaking well of a guy classmate and my father has accused me of dating my guy friend who is gay...wtf.

I got ratted out by my distant aunt and had to pull a gaslighting manoeuvre that I learnt from my parents, holy shit I've never hidden my meds in such an awkward position, in such a secluded place that sometimes I forget that it's there. I've also run a burn campaign against my distant aunt, just to cover up that reveal. Sorry not sorry, if you put my wellbeing in danger, you're done. Dead to me. I warned her against informing my parents but she didn't listen. I don't want someone to get away with such actions against me. I don't need such people attacking my well-being in my life, especially not when I'm from an Asian country and will have to live with my parents even when I'm married.

That shit will have me killed, not even my distant aunt, no matter that she's also mentally ill, NOBODY should treat my safety as a damn joke.

[the-halcyon-effect]

liveblogging thoughts on new bad omens (not gonna include live songs bc i don't like listening to those) (also not including intros & interludes unless something interesting happens)

van: honestly this is one of my favorite bo songs. i loved it already when it came out and i still love it now. good opener

the drain: good song! the only thing about this is that it just kinda sounds like a health song. like their production is so similar that putting the vocalist here makes it identical. however that's not really a problem bc it's a very good song still

terms & conditions: okay this is already VERY cool. i really like the trap vibe and i KNOW the chorus is gonna hit. it's bad omens

OOH ARTIFICIAL SUICIDE JUMPSCARE??? OKAY THEN

REALLY like the lyrics to this. gonna have to read through them later

okay that was VERY unexpected. EXTREMELY cool song tho and definitely a cool showcase of their skills

hedonist (recharged): the og song is already so good so we'll see how this does

LOVE the intro. VERY good start

OOH THE VERSE this is a VERY cool reimagining

tbh not a fan of the chorus. the voice is neat but not my thing. the production is amazing tho (as usual for this band)

it's really cool that they're not ignoring their first works and instead embracing them here. very few bands tend to do that and it needs to be more common

tbh i think i prefer the original overall but this is still good

even: okay this is gonna be a sad one i think

DETUNING MY BELOVED

idk what noah is doing with his voice here but it's VERY nice. also those ELECTRONICS ARE SO GOOD EJRBJFKFF

this is a neat drop? verse? thing? whatever. REALLY like this tbh

i'm gonna have to send this to my brother, he really likes electronic stuff so he'd love this

this is like bad decisions v2 (ignore the actual remix later in the album). i like it. good song for my chill playlist for sure

loading screen: this one's short! no idea what to expect

okay this literally just sounds like loading screen music. it's real good tho

those strings are amazing honestly

WAS THAT THE SUMMONING SALT CHORD. WHAT.

okay this is an Experience but it's neat

anything > human: i've been SO excited for this. let's hope it delivers

jesse you are a beautiful man as usual

is jt gonna be in this? OH THAT'S THE CHORUS

OH WHAT THAT'S SO FUCKING GOOD HOLY SHIT this is one of the best choruses of the year

anyways as I was saying. i wonder if this includes jt. i would guess not bc the band is more known for jesse but it's possible

actually wait is jt doing backing screams? i can't tell who that is

OH YUP THAT'S JT. THAT'S SO COOL

WHAT IS THIS BREAKDOWN THIS IS SO GOOD WTF HOLY SHIT

this is exactly what i wanted from this collab. it's SO GOOD

i do wish we got a jesse guitar solo but i am NOT complaining. this song is amazing and is my new fav off the album for SURE

digital footprint: another intermission? already? i guess this is a concept album but still

actually wait it's really long. what're they doing

OH. hmm. this is COOL

all the production on this album makes me feel like i'm in a cyberpunk spaceship going to other planets. it's so neat tbh

also just noticed that the next song features iris.exe. VERY excited for that

honestly i might use this song as background music for my d&d campaign lmao

babadupbupbup whatever

nervous system: that's some chunky electronic drone. where's this going

that is NOT the verse i was expecting but it's good OH THERE'S THE GUITARS

YUP THAT'S THE BAD OMENS I REMEMBER

oh this is a fucking VIBE

WHAT IS THIS IS THIS LIKE GROOVY DUBSTEP NOW

FJFJFHDKJFF THIS IS SO GOOD

god her voice is so good. gender envy

i REALLY like this heavy production chorus thing. idk what it is but it's neat

well that's the end of part 1. let's see how part 2 is

artificial suicide (unzipped): idk what to expect for this honestly

oh he goin FAST

i have no idea what this is or how to feel about it. like it's just the original sped up. fascinating

i've heard this is actually an ost for something (idk what) so that would explain things like this. bc i don't think it's supposed to stand alone

the grey (unzipped): alright, sounds like it's basically the same thing as the previous one. idk what thousand below is doing on the track tho so we'll see

why is this called unzipped? i'm VERY confused about that. like it's just sped up with extra production added. it's not bad i'm just confused

tdopom (we are fury): oh! this one's an actual remix! good! i thought it was just gonna be sped up versions and i wasn't exactly excited for that

with that said this is a REALLY cool remix. this drop is FANTASTIC

i don't know if i like this more than the original or the sullivan king remix but it's still quite good

i guess we'll see what happens during drop #2

okay sounds pretty similar to drop 1 but that's not bad! it's really good and well done

neat! good remix

tdopom (so wylie): i never actually listened to this! we'll see what i missed

and it's sped up again

but at least it's just the vocals this time. the production around it is cool but i don't really like the sound of sped up vocals in general

honestly this is kinda eh imo. it's neat but it's really not my thing. i don't really like sped up vocals as i said and the production doesn't do much for me. objectively it's cool and good but i wouldn't listen to it regularly

bad decisions (lofi): i mean yeah. it's a lofi version of bad decisions. idrk what to say here (i'm not a huge fan of lofi)

just pretend (credits): idk either of the featured artists here but this one has a neat voice!

DEFINITELY sounds like a credits song. didn't know this was a remix you could even make but here we are

again. i have no idea what to say here. it's a remix of just pretend to be a credits song. what do you want from me (pun intended)

alright! final thoughts! i did not enjoy the second part. the first part, however, was FANTASTIC!! anything > human is one of the best songs so far this year. VERY cool collab, SO glad it happened. all the other songs there are also great, and i'm gonna return to most if not all of them.

that's all! Bye

[critical-chris]

Knock at the Cabin (2023)

Guess who's back, back again. Shyamalan's back, tell a friend.

M. Night Shyamalan has returned to the big screen this winter with an apocalyptic thriller(?) to follow up his previous offering Old from 2021. This is the director's 15th feature film in a long career of ups, downs, and twists all around.

To qualify the following review, I am a massive fan of the thriller genre. For the longest time I did not watch horror movies and got my kicks from tense, dark mystery thrillers like Zodiac or A Walk Among the Tombstones (an underrated panned movie in my opinion). In fact, if you know of any good under the radar thrillers I should check out please let me know. That considered, you would think I'd be a fan of a filmmaker who has spent his entire career crafting mysteries in dark settings with god knows what hiding around every turn.

However, personally, I have not been a fan of M. Night Shyamalan's films for a long time. The last movie I remember liking of his was Split, and being immediately disappointed by the final installment of his Unbreakable trilogy with Glass, a complete mess from top to bottom that you could not pay me to revisit. Well, I suppose you could pay me but it's going to cost you a nice steak dinner at the very least. I like to be wined and dined before being bored senseless for two hours.

Split aside, I can break Shyamalan's career in my mind into two distinct parts: Fantastic First Watches, and Boring Bullshit.

*I have note seen Lady in the Water, The Last Airbender, or The Visit, so I won't include them (although I've heard the first 2 are awful)

Fantastic First Watches

This category encompasses most of Shyamalan's early successful work including The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, The Village, and to some people Signs. I think Signs is a useless bore of a film with no tension, and would be unwatchable if Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix were not in it. Debate me if you'd like, but the movie is terrible.

The first three films I mentioned are where M. Night Shyamalan made his name and earned himself the right to make whatever he wants. However, none of these movies are worth multiple viewings. I really enjoy Unbreakable and think that may be the only exception, as it is always great to see Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson mentally sparring, but I wouldn't argue with you if you said you wouldn't need to watch it a second time. After the twist is revealed that Jackson is intentionally causing all the accidents throughout the movie on the off chance a superhuman exists, including the one that sparked Willis' journey to understand his hidden powers, you get it and you can move on without wondering how the movie would change if you re-watched with this new knowledge.

The Sixth Sense and The Village are both movies I have seen one time and have yet to desire seeing them another time. As with Unbreakable, once you know the twist the re-watch factor goes out the window. The Sixth Sense could be an exception for just a second watch I guess if you are looking for clues that Willis has been dead the whole time, but otherwise it's a slow burn drama with some creepy moments. The Village has no replay value to me. Holy shit, what a twist it was when you find out this village is hidden in a nature reserve and the leaders are essentially keeping their children trapped out of fear, but once I know there are just people under those red hoods why would I spend nearly two hours seeing it again? I won't, but at least these are all well-made films, unlike the next section of Shyamalan's career.

Boring Bullshit

The number of movies in this category for Shyamalan is staggering: Signs, The Happening, After Earth, Glass, and Old. These are all films that had me checking my phone to see how much longer I had to endure the drawn out, uninteresting plot and wooden dialogue.

I know a lot of people will disagree on my take on Signs, and I only saw it within the past year, but I find it boring, devoid of any tension, and ultimately unsatisfactory when the aliens finally show up. I don't think I need to mention my issues with the acting and story of both The Happening or After Earth. All I will say is oof, oof, oof.

Glass is an abomination, and one that stung so much deeper than the rest since I came into it with expectations. As I mentioned, I really like Unbreakable and Split, so the prospect of a trilogy-capping film pitting a near-human superhero and villian against each other by the proclaimed master of twists was exhilarating. However, what we got instead was a mish-mash of poor dialogue heavily featured and teasing an ending battle that satisfied nobody.

Old is exactly fine. The concept of people trapped on a beach that seemingly ages them at a rapid rate is interesting, but I'm not sure why Shyamalan treats the ending like a twist when he has made it obvious through the entire runtime. Also, foreshadowing a complaint I have for the latest release, I don't understand why Shyamalan feels he needs to cut away from violence in a horror film as much as he does. There is one particularly creepy scene here when Abbey Lee's body goes haywire, but otherwise everything you're waiting to see is stowed away off-screen. Part of horror is seeing the crazy shit actually happen, otherwise you can compartmentalize the crazy shit and it's not as frightening.

Anyways, I feel like I've spent too much time on the filmography of a director I'm realizing I will never be a fan of and should now focus on his latest offering, Knock at the Cabin.

Allow me to paint the picture. The movie opens with blurry, out of focus views of the woods, then one of our three protagonists Wen, played by Kristen Cui, a young girl catching grasshoppers outside of a cabin. Wen is then approached by a former wrestler stuffed into a short-sleeve buttoned down shirt, Leonard played by Dave Bautista. The camera claustrophobically keeps a close-up shot bouncing between Leonard and Wen's faces as Leonard befriends the small girl. Then, he says something creepy, and when Wen sees three other strangers approaching from behind Leonard, she fearfully runs into her cabin, revealing she is on vacation here with her two fathers.

Alright, I already have a problem here. M. Night Shyamalan has 14 films under his belt going in to this flick. Why are so many shots out of focus? And I don't mean one character is in focus and one is out; there are several examples of scenes in this film where the only thing in focus are the trees around the cabin even while characters are interacting, or the entire screen is literally blurry. WHY.

The fathers immediately lock all of the doors and windows (but for some reason don't close any blinds to the 200 clear glass windows in the place) to keep the intruders out. Leonard knocks (remember the title?) and tries to reason with them to let the four strangers inside, constantly referring to a 'greater purpose' that has brought them to the family's door.

The fathers are Eric, portrayed by Jonathan Groff (Mindhunter, Frozen), the sensitive weak and concussed husband, and Andrew, portrayed by Ben Aldridge (don't remember him from anything), the hot-tempered and uncompromising husband. They refuse to let the strangers in the house and proclaim to fight back after realizing all their phones and communication options have been wiped out by the intruders.

It takes all of five minutes effort for the four strangers to break into the house, Rupert Grint being beat to shit by Andrew as soon as he gets in, and eventually have the husbands tied up to chairs. Eric is knocked to the ground in the struggle to break in and suffers a concussion. The four intruders then line up in front of them, each in a uniquely colored shirt, with primitive staffs and tools in hand.

Right at this moment, the metaphor of these four individuals is clear. They have come to announce that the apocalypse is imminent, and they all have been chosen to carry out god's will. Obviously, they represent the four horsemen of the apocalypse referenced in the Bible. You know it, I know it, but Shyamalan thinks it's such a big secret that he literally has one of the characters say it out loud in the final minutes of the movie. I'm getting ahead of myself, but it really annoyed me that he had to be so on the nose about it.

The four horsemen tell the family they must choose one of the three members to be killed, but the strangers won't be the ones to kill them, it will be up to the other members of the family to carry out the sacrifice. Only this will stop the impending doom for the human race. Not only are the horsemen tasked not to harm the family, but they are going to kill each other one-by-one in order to 'release a plague upon the Earth'. Ughhhhhhhhhhhh.

Right there, you have removed all tension from the movie. I understand the threat is supposed to be the family causing the deaths of millions if/when these plagues are released, but the danger has now been removed from the cabin itself and only experienced on a television screen. Literally. Every time they ask the family if they are ready to decide who will be killed, are met with Andrew saying some form of "Go fuck yourself", and then executing one of their own horsemen, Bautista just turns on the news to show footage of a plague occurring in real time.

"But Chris, surely it would be scary when the strangers start killing each other in front of you." Yeah I guess, but you know from the jump they won't kill the family, so you are left with one of two conclusions to how the movie is going to go. Option 1: the four strangers kill each other until they're all dead, you find out they weren't telling the truth, and no harm no foul. OR Option 2: the four strangers kill each other until they're all dead, you find out they WERE telling the truth, and the family actually has to decide which of them they are going to kill. You would have to be the worst writer on Earth to make a thriller and choose option 1, so it is obvious how the film will pan out, and yet they have the stones to pretend like the ending is a twist.

The plot as the filmmaker has chosen to play out has no real tension and warrants no sympathy for our protagonists. After the second plague is released, a tidal wave that buries half of the West Coast, you are left with no doubt that what the horsemen are saying is true. this is like the halfway point of the film, and yet we are supposed to side with Andrew's angry selfish ass telling these strangers he'd rather see the entire world burn than admit what they are saying is true.

I could spend the entire blog talking about the plot holes in this movie, but will just run through my outstanding questions quickly here since they will never be answered-

What happens if the horsemen don't initiate the plagues? Would the apocalypse just never happen?

What is the reason for Rupert Grint's character being the one in the bar that assaults Andrew? Red herring? Why does Shyamalan think he can get away with a red herring in a plot so poorly thought out?

What is the reason for the flashbacks? They tell us nothing we don't already know about the characters by the time they come up, is it just for that song callback?

Here's something else that bothered me, this movie is rated R for absolutely no reason. This movie is also considered a horror movie, which makes no sense. The only true violence that happens in this film is when the horsemen execute each other in front of the family. Knowing this movie is rated R, you are expecting these executions to play out in horrific fashion, especially since the strangers all wield archaic tools and weapons. However, Shyamalan plays it like a PG-13 film and cuts away at each act of violence. You had the perfect opportunity to add a little shock to your movie and keep audiences on the edge of their seats by watching Rupert Grint's head get caved in, but like everything else in the movie you half-assed it. This is a glorified drama.

I suppose if I am forced to say something positive about Knock at the Cabin, I can commend Dave Bautista and the other actors for doing a fine, convincing job in their poorly written roles. You buy Bautista's sincerity, Grint's aggression, and Aldridge's passion. I hate that Rupert Grint went out as quickly as he did because I loved seeing him in the theaters again. Without them, this movie would be a complete drag.

Overall, I disagree with anyone referring to this as a return to form from Shyamalan, unless they are referring to the form he has held since 2005 which is characterized by unbelievable dialogue, thin plots, and underwhelming visuals. This is the definition of mid, and a complete waste of what could have been an interesting and engaging plot and cast. God I am so mad my time was wasted like this.

Knock at the Cabin - 5.0/10

[dollypopup]

#sorry these tags are about to get choppy and jumpy i'm just dumping as i'm reading#dude this is the most refreshing thing i've read in a long time#and also really difficult to Look At because i have always tried to see the good of pen's actions even when I consciously know they're not#but you have put them all on FULL display here#**even ones i didn't realise**#i love pen for all her flaws and complications. it's what makes her a great character#i feel like these things were all just niggling at the nape of my neck waiting for realisation and this deep dive has given me that opp#“Penelope was the antagonist in Marina's. But she is also the hero in her own.”#holy shit#despite pen being so very clearly selfish in both seasons i was still rooting for her#and like that in itself is so interesting#pen's trust issues and emotinoal trauma are so blatantly obvious and directly effect some potentially really incredible things for her#her friendship with marina in this case - the two of them could have had each other's back in the harsh featherington household#not telling colin the truth about her feelings or marina#also the inability to trust eloise with LW#AND THEN you whip out the colin analysis#fuck me the fuck up#the poor guy just wants to be heard. my empathetic treasure. he's trapped in a soundproof glass box.#For Colin love is being honest. Love is being earnest. Love is being upfront.” DOLLY#how am i to carry on#“If you had simply come to me and told me of your situation I would have married you without a second thought”#kills me every fucking time#he's just so good#just let him win pls#s3 better soothe my (and his) hurtie heart#i love that you brought up the fact that pen doesn't voice the things she wants/her opinions/etc.#and that's a huge reason why things don't work out for her#season 3 about to be about being loud. taking accountability. being honest. and communication. and if it's not i'll fight.#give these kids some happy times and emotional resolutions (personal and romantic thank you)#ohmygod another layer:#pen being invisible but having her voice heard through Whistledown#and Colin is very much visible (he’s a bridgerton) and despite this visibility no one can hear him

these are some INCREDIBLE tags @flamedork !!! omg especially the 'season 3 is about being loud. taking accountability. being honest. and communication.' IT DAMN WELL BETTER BE!!!!

tbh the contrast (dare i say mirror reflection?) between Penelope and Colin, in which Colin is hypervisible in public but ultimately ignored overall and Penelope is invisible in public but her voice is the one that permeates the entire ton is so fascinating to explore. For all Colin's privileges, he is all but *screaming* to be noticed (for who he actually is) and is ultimately denied, and for all of Penelope's hardships, she is *purposefully* hiding herself away whilst being the narrator of the show. when you write about him being in a soundproof glass box, i FELT that. Colin's out here banging on the walls and wailing for someone, anyone to notice he isn't okay, and no one does. (except for Benedict, very briefly, when Colin's handing off the 'magic' tea to him in S2 (he said it was good to quiet 'the doubts, the questions that seem to linger no matter how far you go to escape them' '. . .are you quite well, brother?' but as quickly as it's there, it's gone) the only time he's at the front of anyone's mind (him, not as part of a collective, but Colin himself) is when he's being the hero. serving other people's needs. bruh has been in his own glass case of emotion for the last two seasons and it's finally gonna shatter in S3 and i cannoT WAIT

Marina, Polin, and the False Narrative of Good Intentions

or: Fanon has Failed You

we're taking a real deep dive, babes.

bring a snorkel

Episode 1:

We are introduced to Bridgerton, Lady Whistledown first. She has the very first lines, talking about the new debutantes coming before the queen. Penelope expresses immense nervousness about this, even after Prudence faints and she writes of the blunder in her sheet, likely grateful she doesn't have to spend too much time on herself when she can highlight Prudence's fainting. In the very first mention of Marina, it's a conversation between Portia and Lady Cowper, about how Portia is taking Marina, a 'distant cousin of my husband's' in as an act of 'charity'. LC replies that she has always been quite charitable, which Portia exclaims is what Lady Whistledown should have written about, instead of 'erroneously writing that she shall only have three ladies under her care.'

That's when Penelope comes to Portia with a plea, using Marina's upcoming arrival as an excuse for her to defer.

"Unless you should like to have only 3 young ladies under your care, I should gladly sit this season out." "Penelope is nervous" "I am not nervous, Mama-" "What she is is two stone heavier than she aught to be." Phillipa: "Mmm, those blemishes on her face are quite difficult to conceal. Perhaps some lead and arsenic would help" "Should you allow me to defer but a year, just as Lady Bridgerton has done for Eloise, I may remain dedicated to my studies"

she is denied. Portia dismisses Marina to Lady Cowper, talking about how she couldn't be competition with her daughters. Marina walks in and Penelope, as though in relief, says "Oh, she's beautiful."

Because Penelope, as of this moment, only sees Marina as a tool with which to get what she wants: invisibility. We know that's what she wants based on her and Eloise's conversation in the daffodils, in which she tells her

Penelope: "No one truly notices me. I suppose that is what I like. When you are invisible, you can have all the amusement you want without any of the expectations popularity brings. It. . .frees you.” Eloise: “Do you think that is why Whistledown remains anonymous?” Penelope: “Perhaps.”

Lady Whistledown and Marina, in this moment in time, have the exact same purpose: they serve as shields. Shields that keep Penelope from being seen, from being noticed, and hopefully to give her more time. Penelope is grateful for this, LW starts taking shots at the Queen by taking shots at Daphne, saying she was falling from the grace of being named the diamond. Instead, she thrusts Marina to the forefront of the ton, declares her the true diamond, and sits relatively gratefully through Marina's flurry of attention.

Until it comes to Colin. The scene in the Featherington drawing room in which Colin comes to Penelope after calling on Marina and says it's a 'most dreadful sonnet indeed', to which she quips her famous 'Lord Byron he is not', thus making Colin laugh before he bids her good day, and she looks at him on his way out. This has often been discussed as a scene in which Penelope is starstruck that she made him laugh, but I propose something else.

This?

This is a look of concern and sadness.

What Lady Cowper had said had been foreshadowing, now Marina is literal competition for the center of Penelope's affections.

Which, let's give him some POV here

Let's talk Colin

Even in episode one, Penelope at the ball was watching Colin, a look which is mirrored later on by how Colin looks at Marina for the first time, asking who she is. He quickly joins the dance floor right next to her, clearly curious. Curiosity is a huge part of Colin's character that often gets overlooked, in fact. His wanting to travel is rooted in it. His room is FULL of Greek mythology, the first place he visits is Greece. Colin is drawn to Marina's newness, and also how pretty she is. He likes her pretty naturally. And she also clearly likes him. Even after the other suitors slough off, Colin stays.

Marina isn't pretending, here. Look at her. She finds him funny, he's turned toward her. We find out later that she's been there for about a month, at this point. As far as Marina knows, she was sent there against her will, because she doesn't WANT to be with Portia and her snooty high society attitude. Even still, Colin acts as reprieve. He comes to visit her and cheers her, she likes a lot about him, in fact, as we learn later, but let's go back to episode 1, the now.

And then we see Marina accept (and mourn) the fact that she's pregnant.

This is why she didn't come to the Vauxhall Ball, claiming illness, and Varley brings Portia the clean sheets. Portia goes to confront Marina, she'd been there for over a month and hadn't bled, accuses her of 'revolting recklessness', says she'll keep it under wraps only so her own daughters won't suffer, and when Marina informs that she doesn't want any of this, in particular her hoity superiority, Portia slaps her.

Slaps her.

As horrible as Portia and the Featheringtons are to Penelope, they have never once laid a hand on her.

Marina is made Other from the first moment she walks on screen. She is unwelcome in the Featherinton house. Even Penelope really only cares about her insofaras she's useful. In fact, episode 1 is Penelope's first taste of what her debut would be like without Marina, and in it, Colin comes to her rescue when Cressida is being mean. Penelope didn't dance at the first ball Marina was at, but she *does* when Marina's gone.

For Marina, this is a horrible night. For Penelope, it's fantastic. Simon and Daphne even became a thing, and Penelope is seen observing them. Not only did she get to dance with Colin, but she also got her gossip. This proves she doesn't necessarily need or can utilize Marina as a shield.

From Episode 1, we see the start of the divide, even before anything else, the show pits them against one another.

Which takes us to Episode 2

We open with Penelope remarking that it is 'disturbing' and Phillipa and Prudence telling on her to Portia by informing that she has questions about Marina's condition. And then

"How did it happen, Mama? Is there to be a baby?"

"Why is Miss Thompson to be kept away?" "Because her condition is catching!" [to which Penelope responds with silent astonishment]

We then have her with Eloise, walking arm in arm as Eloise complains about Daphne and Simon, talking about how being pretty and having nice hair isn't an accomplishment, and that going to university is, essentially: a lament of societal misogyny. Penelope is not only clearly disengaged with her, but even exasperated. Eloise remarks that Penelope did not listen to a word she says, which is true, and Penelope ignores that, too, except to grab her by the elbow, and tell her that she knows someone with child, and that they're not married.

This conversation is comedic, yes, but it's also interesting considering we know Colin and Marina are involved, and that Penelope's curiosity for how Marina came to be with child doesn't stem from friendship with Marina, but rather desire and curiosity for how it affects Colin.

"She is not married" "How did she become with child if she's not married?" "I do not know. But I will find out." "You must! Otherwise, how can we make sure it never happens to us? We have accomplishments to acquire."

Penelope, even here, knows that they don't want the same accomplishments. There's a rift forming here, too. Penelope is a year ahead of Eloise, already out in society, and she's writing Lady Whistledown. As far as she's concerned, her accomplishments are to get married. Her opinion of being out in society has changed: she still wants to be invisible, but not to stay with Eloise, but instead to continue Lady Whistledown, and perhaps get married. She says so later in the series, in which she tells Eloise that people have mature problems, problems more important than some silly writer, problems like getting married.

But to who?

Three guesses.

Colin's next scene is when Eloise asks how babies are made, to which he gives his classic 'Have you ever visited a farm?' response, and cheekily teases that he and Benedict are off to take their sticks out, 'for a round of fencing!' and once again, though comedic, it's also meant to serve a second function: he becomes a suspect. That's a very dramatic way to put it, I know, but as of now, it's not revealed who the other half of Marina's bun in the oven is, and it very well *could* be Colin.

A fact Penelope likely suspects. So, she MUST know how babies are made, because she agrees with Eloise on this: she does have accomplishments to acquire. I propose to us that instead of the 'Penelope was so selfless! She would have let Colin marry Marina so long as Marina wasn't lying to him and trying to trap him' narrative, something a bit more complicated is afoot

Penelope wants Colin. She knows she can't get involved in his current romance with Marina, but she wants him all the same. The dance they shared solidifies that for her. They're friends, she's been in love with him since she met him, and now she's *able* to get married. And she wants it to be to him.

And all her actions from there are stained with that information, including the final reveal.

It's in the middle of Episode 2, well over a month that Marina's been in Mayfair, that we have our first scene of Penelope and Marina together. We open with Marina reading letters, tearstained in her hands.

She hides them immediately under the blankets and Penelope comes in saying she found some sweets and that Marina might be able to eat them when everyone else was off at the Ball. Marina, gratefully, invites her into the room so that they may share, to which Penelope is clearly pleased.

"I hear they have decided not to send you home to your papa." "I dare say he is relieved. I can only imagine how he will react to- "Your condition? Marina, may I ask- how did it happen?"

Penelope didn't come to Marina out of the goodness of her heart at all. She came to get information. Because curiosity is also an inherit part of Penelope's character, just as it is for Colin. Penelope's reasons for wanting to know are three fold: for the sake of knowing (it's good information to have, knowing how babies are made), for Whistledown if it's a good story, and for Colin.

Marina goes on a beautiful story about George, and we, at the same time as Penelope, realize Marina is still in love with her soldier boy, who she believes is in Spain, and in a moment of immense trust, passes the letters to Penelope for her to read.

But Penelope is only relieved. It settles two of the three, clears Colin from being the father and provides her good information for Whistledown, which she doesn't get publish, likely realizing that all the secrecy means it's a big deal, but she still doesn't know how one comes to be with child.

She laments this with Eloise immediately after. Snarks that Marina said it was 'Love' and Elosie informing that made no sense, to which Penelope agrees, saying her mama had 3 children and love had nothing to do with it. Eloise then asks, in a moment of empathy no one else has granted Marina,

"Well, what else did she say? Was she not frightened?" "More. . .sad, than frightened. But there may be a chance for her to have a happy ending yet, I suppose. She wants to escape to the country where she and her love may marry."

At this, Penelope is happy. She's glad that Marina will be out of the way and also that Marina will get to be with someone else. She isn't cruel, she wishes Marina well.

She just doesn't wish Marina well with Colin.

Episode 3 has Penelope running mail errands for Marina since Marina's in confinement. With no letter in hand, she delivers her the bad news, to which Marina clearly is despondent, wondering when a letter from Spain would arrive. Penelope soothes her by informing that he's on the front lines and it's difficult for letters. "If your love is as great as your previous letters state, surely he will write back to you soon. Or perhaps even better, he is already on his way back to you here, to come and take you home."

Penelope takes on her mother after she's caught with Marina and scolded, saying that Marina's been there for ages, and it isn't fair. She leaves, and Portia insists that Marina find a husband. There is no choice for denial, here, Portia makes that clear, and Penelope takes the news unhappily from the door.

Looks like she isn't out of the woods, yet.

Because even underlying Penelope's compassion, there's a second motive. Penelope is just like Portia: she wants Marina gone, too. She just has a different, very contrasting way of accomplishing that goal, but she's making strides toward it.

She writes of Marina rejoining society, that she will be at the new exhibit. When Portia tries introducing Marina to an older man, she silently pleads for Penelope to help her and she tries to come to her rescue. In the end, Marina tells him off herself, and Penelope and Marina are united against Portia. As of now, there is nothing that really contests them. Even still, Marina acts as something of a shield for Penelope, something she is sure to notice. With Marina in the house, Penelope receives less of Portia's cruelty, and even when she's scolded, Marina gets worse of it.

As of now, Marina and Colin were a brief flirtation that took place at the beginning of her coming to Mayfair. She enjoyed his company, but she's also not suffering without it, clearly uninterested in rejoining society or getting a husband who isn't George. Being pregnant has given Marina a new dream: one in which a man she loves will return from war to help her raise their family. Even if she was open to a new love at the start of the season, she clearly doesn't care or wants to find a husband who isn't George. She tells Portia as much, that she will not bow down to Portia's schemes. She has a man who loves her, and she intends to marry him.

Portia is the instigator here, even though fandom has made Marina the villain. PORTIA insists Marina go out in society. PORTIA writes the fake letter. PORTIA is who twists Marina's arm, verbally and physically abuses her, and locks her up until she can foist her onto some decrepit man and be done with her. PORTIA is who speaks aloud Marina's doubts of George not loving her back because he hasn't sent a letter to her.

Even though Penelope and Portia's goals are the same, their methods are MILES apart. Penelope *does* have compassion for Marina, wants her to have her love story with George, and she tries to help her because she recognizes it as the path of least resistance. Portia meddles far too much, which is her downfall every time.

When a 'letter from Spain' arrives, Penelope brings it to Marina and nervously asks what it says. She's excited for the confirmation that George loves Marina back and that he'll come to take her away or marry her. When Marina falls heavily to the bed, crying, Penelope asks if he'd been wounded. Marina tells her that he pretends there was nothing between them, that he desires nothing to do with "our- my situation."

Look at the expression on Penelope's face, here.

As Marina sobs, wails, Penelope picks up the letters to read them for herself and Portia congratulates her and Varley for their efforts, justifying that Marina had to learn the truth of men, eventually.

And then we're halfway through the season

Marina starts this halfway point as a new woman. When she mourned the idea of George, she mourned a failed love story, and she also mourned herself. When she said 'My situation' she accepted that the only person who would truly help her out of this is herself. She's inspected by Lord Rutledge terribly, he asks to see her teeth as Portia gives an elevator pitch, essentially making it seem that Marina was defective but, look, she has some good parts, too! Marina informs that she's had suitors calling all week (so we return to the romance situation at the beginning with a wide net) and Portia informs they'll take too long, considering so much time has passed. That she needs someone who won't ask questions when a baby comes out 3 months early, even if they married her the next day.

Obviously, Marina's in a horrible situation. This is nightmare levels of awful. She's been abused in so many ways, treated terribly. I don't think anyone could blame her for being upset. Penelope asks her if she'd like her to stay in, but Marina refuses, and Penelope doesn't push it. [Sidenote, this is also when Albion Finch comes to call on Phillipa, and we see Portia 'rewarded' (in her mind) for her efforts in keeping Marina out. She tells Mr. Finch that Marina isn't taking visitors, but he informs he's here to see Phillipa, to which Portia expresses wonder. To her, where her entire motivation is getting her daughters married, having seen Marina as an obstacle in such, she is vindicated through this]

Penelope and Eloise have another conversation, in which Penelope listens to Eloise talking about the house being abuzz w/ Daphne's prospects, to which Penelope says 'well, she *has* to marry eventually' after Eloise says she wishes Daphne would stay on the shelf forever so that Eloise doesn't have to be next in line [Eloise seeing Daphne very similarly to how Penelope saw Marina, in that way]. Eloise laments that she wants to fly, then praises Lady Whistledown as a brilliant woman of business, praise Penelope soaks up.

Penelope guides Eloise away from her attempts to rope her into schemes unmasking LW (who we now know is Penelope herself) and Eloise says she can tell her Mama she's sick and that she's caught what Marina has. Penelope informs that Marina is recovering, and that "It would be cruel of me not to be by her side when she comes back out. I shall cheer you on your endeavors, however."

The question is: has Penelope truly formed a friendship with Marina, or does she have a second reason, once again, for being beside Marina and keeping an eye on her when she re-enters once more?

Well, it surely means nothing that the next scene is Penelope and Colin having yet another moment. Surely.

Marina, being dangled about and clearly unhappy on the floor. Penelope, looking out to the ballroom. Colin comes behind her, to her delight, and talks about the host being fussy. "Do you think if he goes to bed, we all have to leave?" he asks, making Penelope laugh and clearly glad that he did so. To Colin, he likely imagines this to be the end of the correspondence, but Penelope surprises him. Like the first time, she opens up to him, shows him her wit, and they have a moment of snark, looking at each other for a beat too long after he compliments her with 'What a barb!'

Who breaks the moment? Penelope does. She doesn't continue. She doesn't take the compliment and run with it, she doesn't prolong the conversation. She looks down, and Colin changes the subject, sensing she's perhaps uncomfortable, or at least done with the moment, and says he's been trying to get in front of Marina all night, and Penelope says all Marina's interested in is a swift rescue, which inspires Colin to go after her.

This is their first moment together since her confinement, we know since he asks how she is, and from jump he gives her an out from a man who treats her like a piece of meat, and he makes a joke right away to ease her. Colin here is exactly to Marina as Colin was to Penelope when Cressida threw her drink on her: he's the knight in shining armor, and he likes it that way. Charm dialed up to ten, he and Marina re-hit it off immediately, and she's grateful to him. Tells him to spin her off and maybe she'll recover.

And Colin does. He spins her over and over again, in circles around the entire dancefloor, and Marina smiles, and Marina grins, and Marina laughs, something we haven't seen her do since she's thrown in confinement.

Can we blame her for wanting Colin? For falling for him? Very often we talk about how he was her only option, but the truth is that Marina liked Colin from the start, and she likes him here, too. She just found out that a man she'd been in love with is forsaking her, wants nothing to do with her. She's been inspected and slapped and degraded. And Colin is kind. Colin is genuine and earnest and fun. Colin brings her to life, again. She gushes about him to Penelope as soon as they're home.

And Penelope hates it.

Her problems are not that Marina is trapping Colin. She doesn't care about the logistics of the ruse. She tells Marina anyone but Colin. It isn't that Marina's pregnant, and it isn't that Marina lies.

It's that it's Colin. Penelope wants Colin and Marina wants him, too.

And that brings them back to where they started. It didn't matter what empathy and compassion they'd cultivated: Penelope is not Marina's friend. Penelope had *never* been Marina's friend. She was her ally insofar as Marina was going to live a story that left Penelope free for her own happily ever after with Colin, and as cruel as it is, it gives Penelope DEPTH. She is not just an altruistic darling willing to watch a man she loves marry her cousin. She does literally EVERYTHING she can to keep it from happening. That's her motive. He's her motive. It's Penelope's love for Colin and her hopes that they can be together that leads her to expose Marina.

In this conversation, she tries anew. Her hopes on George now dashed, and the confinement period over, Penelope tries to sway Marina by making Colin seem like a bad match. She can't think of negative qualities to counter Marina's compliment-fest (kind, funny, excellent with children), but informs that Colin is too young to marry. That she needs someone to propose soon. And Marina says he's not like other young men, that he's eager, that he saved her, that she thinks he will propose soon.

What Penelope never says is that everything Marina thinks of Colin, Penelope already knows. She knows Colin is funny, and kind, and an accomplished dancer, and excellent with children, and that he saved her, too, at Vauxhall, and that Marina opened up to her so she'll open up the same but she doesn't: she never once tells Marina that she loves him.

Because Penelope is not Marina's friend. But Marina *is* Penelope's. She says she'll be able to stay in town, gleeful that since Penelope is close to Eloise, so they will remain friends, as sisters. Marina doesn't see the secondary motives in Penelope's actions, trying to steer her away from Colin, nor does she assume anything of Penelope. How could she? Penelope has been nothing but nice to her in a house of cruelty. Penelope doesn't deride her, Penelope doesn't hit her, and Penelope helped her with George.

But Penelope doesn't want her there, same as everyone else in Featherington House. And she doesn't necessarily want Marina to be happy. She wants Marina to be out of the picture. She'd prefer if that was with her happy, but she doesn't need Marina's wellbeing. Just her absence. Or, at the very least, she's going move bitch, get out the way.

She begins thinking of how that will happen immediately after Marina leaves. She paces her room until Eloise throws rocks at her window, and this is when we get their fight.

Eloise comes with a theory about Lady Whistledown , going on and on about what she believes, and Pen cuts her off.

"Eloise I do not care! People have real problems, mature problems, problems that have nothing to do with the secret identity of some silly writer." "And you are so mature now?" "Well I am of age, I am out in society, therefore I have more important, mature things to worry about." "Like what?" "Like marriage," "You should not care about marriage.: "What if I do? I cannot expect you to understand, not everyone can be a pretty Bridgerton!"

Eloise runs off and Penelope immediately regrets it, because her fury isn't at Eloise, but rather projecting her frustrations at Marina and Colin's blossoming relationship at Eloise. When Penelope says she cares about marriage, that is only a half truth. She cares about marriage to Colin. Very specifically to Colin.

Episode 5 sees more of the same. When Colin comes to visit Marina, Penelope is displeased. She looks on as Colin brings Marina flowers, and Marina finds them beautiful. This is not a woman who would humbly have allowed Colin to marry whoever would make him happy, a selfless woman who had nothing but the best intentions toward Colin and Marina's love story.

She doesn't care if Colin would be happy with Marina. She wants him to be happy with her.

And listen to me very clearly: I like her more for it. Yeah, I said it. Oh, it would be easy if Penelope was a sweet darling, an innocent doll who tragically falls on the sword, wanting nothing more than for her dear friend to live a beautiful love story with someone who would appreciate him. No. She believes, knows Colin would be happier with her (and, ultimately, she ends up being right in that regard) and she wants him to be with her, not with Marina. This is not an excuse for Penelope. She doesn't do good things. Her intentions are not noble. What she wants is self-serving and how she goes about it is underhanded and secretive and manipulative. And I. Like. Her. For. It. Enough of the narrative that Marina was a villain, an antagonist in Penelope's love story.

Penelope was the antagonist in Marina's.

But she is also the hero in her own. From the very beginning, the narrative made it a one or the other situation. Even when they were friends, they weren't really friends. But through it all, Marina had no idea.

Because Penelope never told her.

She spoke in circles, said Colin loved to travel, encouraged him to do so in front of Marina, said Marina didn't like tomatoes when Colin joked that he'd bring her some as a surprise to break up the monotony of bouquets. Both Colin and Marina are surprised that she's saying anything in this scene, Marina moreso than him, because she thinks Penelope is her friend and would encourage this. Penelope knows how much Marina likes Colin, and how important time is with her situation. Marina gives her the 'girl, what are you doing????' face when Penelope clearly encourages Colin to travel. Colin informs that some things in London he'd want to see more than the world, and looks at Marina. They share a moment and Penelope rushes off after her mother for Plan. . .is it D, at this point? Plan D.

Penelope recognizes Marina and Colin like each other, so she goes to her mum. asks if it's a smart decision. She feigns caring for Marina. That she is ONLY worried because Colin is young and he's years off from marriage (which she doesn't really believe, or she wouldn't be saying anything) and that Marina simply doesn't have that kind of time.

It does what she wants. Portia comes to Marina, doubling down on Lord Rutledge, saying she has until Saturday to accept his proposal. Marina refuses, clearly disliking him, and Portia admonishes her.

"Is this about Mr. Bridgerton?" "He likes me! He will propose to me, I'm sure of it." "That boy is barely out of leading strings, he has two older brothers and they're still running from the yoke. You are to cut Colin Bridgerton immediately, or I will lock you in this very room until Lord Rutledge makes you his wife."

Marina's smart, she makes a deal. She recognizes how a marriage to Colin could do a world of good for Portia's daughters, and she pleads for just a few days. Before Saturday. That he would propose. And it's only now, in this moment, that Marina makes a plan that has anything to do with Colin. Only after already liking him and envisioning a second chance romance with him, and having a good life with him.

It isn't that Colin's her only other choice. Marina had several unhappy choices. But Colin is the choice she *wants* to make. She has a time limit now, hence the deception, but it's rooted in her attraction to him. "You will seduce him." is what Portia says, but for Marina, it's not as dramatic as all that. She already likes Colin. and Colin already likes her. So maybe they speed it all along, but it's not made through falsification.

But for Penelope, who listens at the door, this is now the proof that it's becoming serious, and that this plan, too, won't work.

Plan E, it is. Chuck her off to anyone new. See what sticks. She points out multiple men at the next ball they're at as prospects. This is Marina's face when Penelope described him as pleasant.

and then that another has kind eyes. To which Marina replies, honestly, rather relatably. That she doesn't know them or care about any of them, and that she's looking for Colin.

Only now. In the middle of Episode 6, just about at the 11th hour, does Penelope ask Marina not to pick him. This is the first time. That she can do this to anyone else. She attempts Plan H: a plea for morality. That she doesn't want him to be tricked and deceived. That she's known him forever. That Marina shouldn't do this to a good man, but Marina asks if Penelope would rather she marry a bad man, then.

And the truth is, Penelope would. Penelope would rather that Marina marry a bad man than marry Colin, Penelope would rather Marina do anything rather than marry Colin. Because this entire situation is all born because Penelope loves him.

This is her way of fighting for him. It's not her way of being altruistic, it's not her way of wanting to help him, it's her way of ensuring her own happily ever after. And no, that's not a 'Penelope is such a darling angel baby' take, but it IS a human one.

And the worst of it is that Marina would have backed off of Colin if Penelope just said something earlier. Think about how their friendship was. Penelope could have informed Marina that she liked Colin when Marina was gushing about George. She could have opened up. Or when Marina was getting suitors again after her re-debut in society. Marina was rife with suitors. She liked Penelope. But Penelope never spoke up. There was an entire month and a half Penelope could have talked to Marina, and then another in her confinement.

But Marina only realizes Penelope doesn't actually support her after Penelope says not to do this to a good man. That Penelope isn't happy for her in the least. She assures Penelope that she'll be a good wife to him, that he'll be good to her in return, and that, really, it isn't Penelope's business. Which it isn't except for the fact that she makes it her business. Lord Rutledge gets engaged, and Colin becomes Marina's last way out. But, let's be real: he was was also the only one she wanted to entertain.

Oh, my sweet, darling baby boy. Earnest describes him to a T. He doesn't know he's the rope in Marina and Penelope's tug of war (hell, Marina doesn't even know someone else is pulling for him), and he gets denied a narrative in so much of this. When Marina says she's feeling faint and to find someplace more private, Colin doesn't even THINK she has alternative motives. He's concerned, takes her to a different room.

Watching this scene, you see how utterly endearing he is. He leaves the door open until she encourages him to close it, which he does post haste. He smiles at her and keeps a respectable distance. He's truly been raised to be a gentleman, and he clearly respects her. When she says they shouldn't be alone together, he finally realizes what she wants from him. When she takes a step toward him, it's subtle, but he leans back. Gets nervous. Steels his face, drops his expression. When she goes in for the kiss, he makes a few minute jerks forward, for a grand total of 2 and a half seconds, and then cuts it all off.

"You are a Lady. I must maintain your honor. And mine. No matter how. . .tempting, otherwise."

Marina, after hearing this, is stupefied. Tells him he's right. That she's a lady. She's unmarried. And he is. . .a gentleman.

And she knows Penelope is right. That he's good. She just didn't know how good Colin actually is. And in this moment, she accepts her lot. She walks away. Her last chance, her last option, and upon realizing that Colin is kind and earnest and a good, honorable person, she agrees with Penelope. She doesn't want to lie to him, to trick him, she's about to let him go. But Colin offers her to marry him, and she accepts.

Because wouldn't you? Wouldn't anybody?

Hell, her exact words are "I would be delighted to marry you." and she means it. Not as a last resort, but genuinely. We don't do Colin enough justice in this romance.

He goes on about how their long engagement is romantic, that she deserves a grand celebration, and you can tell she enjoys that, but also that she knows she'll never have it. This is where she realizes how different they are, that he's a dreamer and she's a pragmatist. And that she'll have to change his mind but can't ask for it outright.

Marina has affection for Colin. Even in season 2 we can see that, when she rightfully tells him they're in the past and that he should focus on those in his life who already make him happy. How could she not have affection for him when he's genuinely so fucking good?

And speaking of, the way he defends her to Anthony still remains one of the hottest scenes Colin takes part in. When he says he's marrying Marina for love, and not because he compromised her, he means that. When he calls Anthony an ass for insisting he go to brothels and that his interest in Marina is just lust, he's genuinely offended. Anthony says that Violet is distraught and that he won't give Colin his blessing,

"Sorry to disappoint you." "You have. In so many ways."

Colin goes to see his mum immediately after. He takes her hand and, without saying it, he all but screams 'why don't you see me?' Reminds he was courting Marina all season after Violet says she was glad she knew before Whistledown. That she was too wrapped up in Daphne to notice.

Colin wants to be seen, to be taken seriously, and it really is, as of that moment, that the only people who do so outwardly are Marina and Pen. The difference between them isn't down to looks or attitude or anything like that at all: Marina pursues Colin, she makes it clear she's interested, and Penelope doesn't. It's her greatest character flaw and the crux of her story, that she never says what she wants, that she doesn't speak up for herself. Eloise even points it out about her (and you know in friend fights they cut deep). only when she learns to speak aloud what she wants does she get her love story and happiness in society.

Penelope is near in tears when Colin announces his engagement to Marina. But the thing about Penelope is that she's persistent.

As she walks in to Marina, Prudence, and Phillipa talking about how all their fortunes are about to change with the new engagement, Penelope snarks 'Especially Colin's' to which Marina replies by complimenting her, saying she looks lovely. Penelope replies not to mock her, and Marina says

"Do not mock me." "It pains me you should think every compliment a mockery." "Do not pity me either." "I do not pity you, Penelope. I respect you. You have been a true friend since I arrived here, and I rely on your continued friendship and sympathy." "My continued silence, you mean? You think so little of me I cannot bear it. I never would have made my way through this awful tangle without your kindness. Please, do not tell me you regret it." "I would never bring scandal to you or our family if that is what you ask. But I cannot condone your actions." "I want you as my friend, Pen. Can you not try to understand and be a little pleased for me?"

Marina leaves for her modiste appointment and Phillipa talks about how they'd make beautiful babies together, to which Prudence laughs and reminds that he's not the father. Penelope snaps at them, saying Marina makes a fool of Colin already, but

but

does she not do the same to him when she outs the information later on? I like Penelope, and I ship Polin. In fact, I ship Polin exclusively, in the sense that I don't actually ship Colin or Penelope with anyone else, but this entire season is proof of Penelope's fuck ups with Marina and with Colin, both, and her justification for her actions, a thing Portia also does. She goes deeper and deeper into her disregard for Marina. Marina wants Penelope as a friend but Penelope doesn't care about Marina to that extent, even from the beginning. As Portia and Marina become more entwined in their joined ruse, Penelope sets her hopes on Violet noticing that Marina is pregnant, but Violet does her best to welcome Marina to the family, wanting to do right by Colin.

So, there goes plan G. Dire straits, then. Penelope finally has a moment alone with Colin. I've talked about the scene in which she tries to 'tell him' in a different meta, and this is already so impossibly long, but long story is that Penelope still doesn't say what she really means here. There's a narrative that Colin doesn't listen to her, but all season he listens to her. And all season, she never says what she actually wants to. When she tells him that Marina loves someone else, Colin assures he would be a hypocrite if it mattered to him that she had a romance before him. (good for you, bb boi) She doesn't tell him Marina's pregnant, which she writes in LW later on, but skirts around the subject until those precious few moments are gone.

And she lies. She says Marina loves George, still, but Marina has accepted that George wants nothing to do with her. Whether she loves him or not is outside of Penelope's knowledge. She just wants to throw whatever she can at the wall and see if it sticks, see if it breaks the engagement, and still have Colin look at her with fond eyes after the fact.

When Marina discovers them in the hallway, it's hard not to sympathize with her. She's soft when she tells Penelope Portia is looking for her, and she looks so tired. Colin apologizes for Anthony being so rude at dinner, and Marina confides in him. That her own father doesn't want her. That the Featheringtons cannot wait to be rid of her. That she thought she'd find acceptance with his family, but that was a foolish thought.

And she's right. Marina is, for all intents and purposes, fully alone. She has no one in her corner save herself. And save for Colin.

"Even your mother is just being polite." "I shall be your family, now. We shall make our own family, you and me."

And Marina wants that. So deeply, she wants that. With Colin, there's acceptance. She isn't trying to manipulate him, here, she's just hurt. Penelope has her own reasons, she loves Colin, he's a dear friend, and she doesn't want to see him hurt, and she wants him to be with her, but Marina's reasons are also poignant. Colin is the only person who made her welcome in the ton and continues to do so. Once Penelope turns her back on Marina, she just has him. And in his desire to do right by her, offers to elope.

When she says "I love you" to Colin, she's not lying. She's not trying to trick him, as is so often discussed. Is it an everlasting love? No. Is it a nonproblematic love? No. But she certainly loves what he's done for her, how he makes her feel, and she has admiration for who he is as a person. That's love, too.

This is the face of a relieved woman. Not a woman who just lied and schemed reveling in her success. This is a woman looking up to heaven, thanking God for this second chance. Just LOOK at her

We come back to Penelope, then, the day after, who feigns being sick and then runs to ransack Marina's room, looking for George's letters. (so to all the people mad at Eloise for rummaging through Penelope's room, well. . .I hope that same 'it's an invasion of privacy!' applies here, as well) Instead, she finds her duffel packed and knows they're going to elope. She searches more for George's letters and finds them, realizing one is forged.

So, Penelope waits for Marina, in her room, with the falsified letters (Plan I?), to inform her that the letter that broke Marina's heart was a forgery. She has proof that her mama faked the signature. Marina informs that it doesn't matter. George never replied to her letters.

"He has abandoned me. While Colin has embraced me." "I thought you loved him. George." "I was a fool. This changes nothing."

To which Penelope is aghast, watching Marina burn the letters, and when she asks what she'll do when Colin discovers, Marina is truthful. That she will live safe in the knowledge that Colin is a good and kind man, as he has proven to be, and that he'll take care of her and her baby. Which brings us to:

"What of him? What of Colin?"

And do I think some part of this truly is Penelope caring about Colin and his ultimate happiness? Yes. She does want what's best for him, and she does care deeply for him, but the truth of the matter is that in this, she's not doing it for him. Penelope is doing it for her. And that makes it more interesting. At every turn, every single one, Colin shows that he's infatuated w/ Marina. That he loves her, even. Nothing about his actions signify any different. And maybe it's not true love, and maybe it's a bid for him to feel useful, to feel listened to, to be taken seriously, but it's still how he feels.

The only person suffering, here, is Penelope. And Marina recognizes it for what it is. When she tells Penelope that her love is an unrequited fantasy, she has no reason to think otherwise. Penelope never opened up to her, all her criticisms are now revealed as her wanting Colin from jump, and Penelope all but said aloud she and Marina aren't friends. Marina told her to get out of her relationship, and none of us can pretend that we wouldn't do the same. Penelope is acting as though Marina is a scourge on Colin, but all Colin has done is make Marina feel cared for and wanted. We don't give him enough credit, I swear, because the reality is that how Colin is with Marina is a glimpse into how he loves. If he can forgive Marina lying to him for a good reason, he can forgive Penelope lying to him for a good reason. Marina was never Colin's endgame. Not once. It was always going to be Penelope.

And it's to show that Colin is a good man who fights for his partner, who listens, who has empathy, who wants to bring cheer, who jokes, who is wide-hearted and romantic, who puts his feelings in his hands and reaches out palms first. Give him his flowers. He was a real one with Marina. Through and through and he's gonna be a real one with Penelope. A real one to the max. This is Colin's baseline and it'll only dial up with Pen when we reunite in Season 3 but for now-

Marina says she'll be the executioner of Penelope's childish fantasy of loving Colin, but it's Penelope who's the executioner. Because even though she comes running to Eloise, even though she sobs and cries and did so much to ensure what she didn't want to happen wouldn't happen, in the end, ultimately, Penelope chooses herself. She doesn't choose Colin, she doesn't choose Marina.

Penelope chooses Penelope.

And she exposes Marina's secret. And she breaks up the engagement. By force. "Perhaps she thought she had no other option. Or perhaps she knows no shame." which is what Penelope wrote of Marina, also applies to herself in this case. When she sobs with Eloise, she's hurt by what Marina says to her, yes, but she's not weeping to mourn Colin and her one day maybe love story with him. Because she doesn't believe Marina, she doesn't think it's an unrequited fantasy. Why else expose Marina?

No, she's mourning herself. Mourning the person she one thought herself to be, and how that isn't the person that she is, that she would and can use Whistledown to get what she wants, that she has power, and how she would throw her own family and even herself under the bus for just the HOPE of her love story, and that all her intentions of fairness fly out the window because Penelope is human, and she was jealous, and she was mad.

And she continues to be. Further salt in the wound in Episode 7

"Miss Marina Thompson's recent fall from grace continues to echo through every drawing room in town days after it was revealed her engagement to Colin Bridgerton was nothing more than a sham. Of course, a Lady's disgrace does not merely tarnish her own name, like the tars on the Thames, it also leaves a smear on everyone nearby. While there is no parasol in the world strong enough to shelter a ruined woman, the fallen Miss Thompson can only hope she shall find a refuge somewhere."

Y'all

This is mean. This is twisting the knife. Portia knows it's game over. Marina is even refused from a charity room without a considerable donation. She's out of options. And it narrows and narrows around her.

And for Colin, denial isn't just a river in Egypt. He claims Lady Whistledown to publish lies and says Marina must be in agony, that he doesn't understand why he can't just visit her. Anthony informs that BECAUSE of Lady Whistledown, Colin is absolved from being the father, but if he comes near her, they will presume and he'll ruin the rest of the family for it. Even still, Colin goes to refuse, but Daphne interrupts. No one listens to him in this scene, and he's left to listen to how his family will fix what they perceive as his fuck up. He says he's sooo happy it's been settled, and storms off.

Once again, no one takes Colin seriously. He's right to point it out. Not even Penelope, as she took his decision from him just as everyone else did. In a way, Colin is also alone. I think that's what really tugged his heartstrings when Marina lamented no one wanting her around.

Colin's a hopeless romantic. In a way, he fabricated his own love story around what he wanted to hear and know. He says Leander swam each night in total darkness to see his love, and Daphne, now jaded, tells him Leander also drowned. She'll arrange a rendezvous, but she doesn't believe it'll be a love story, not really, not anymore. And Colin even though Colin seemed to be hopeful that it was a lie, when Daphne says that Marina's a stranger and that Whistledown knew Marina better than Colin did, Colin clarifies that Whistledown knew Marina's secrets.

Maybe he already knows it's true, believes it to be, but he doesn't want to see it.

"You must tell me that this Whistledown woman is mistaken, what she wrote, it cannot be true." "But it is." "You are. . .with child? I do not understand. We were to be wed. You- you said you loved me." "Colin, I hold you in the greatest esteem." "Esteem? You are a cruel woman indeed to stand here and talk of friendly affection as if you have not just committed a grave sin against me." "Speak not of sin, Mr. Bridgerton. I did not come here to be shamed by you, nor anyone else. I did not know better. You may think me a villain but I did what I thought I must. No one ever truly helped me or guided me in a different direction. I had no choice. I needed to wed. And you- you were the only man who offered me even a glimpse of happiness." "So I should feel flattered, then? Consider myself lucky that you chose me, lied to me, tried to trick me into a fraud of a marriage? I shall take my leave of you for the last time, Miss Thompson. . .You wish to know the cruelest part of your deception? If you had simply come to me and told me of your situation, I would have married you without a second thought. That is how in love I believed myself to be. But I see now that was all a lie."

This is such a fascinating conversation. It reveals more of Colin than a lot of other scenes he has does. For Colin, it's not Marina being pregnant or having come to the Ton already with child that bothers him, it's that she lied to him. He calls it a fraud of a marriage, says that she told him she loved him, and that he doesn't believe it now. One lie toppled the entire house of cards for him.

Which makes it all the more paramount that Penelope tells Colin that she's Whistledown. He shouldn't have to find out on his own, and in fact, finding out on his own would cause an IMMENSE rift between them. It would shatter his trust in her worse than learning about Marina lying to him. If Penelope instead, however, comes clean, comes to him with honesty, Colin would see that in of itself as an act of love and trust. For Colin, love is being honest. Love is being earnest. Love is being upfront. And even though Marina had every reason not to do so, to hide, to reveal to him after the fact, having lied to him is what really breaks his heart.

This is an opportunity for Bton to get some payoff in a reflection of a scene like this with Colin and Penelope. Because what so many of us Polin fans don't want to face is the fact that Penelope is ALSO keeping a life ruining secret from him. And what Marina says? Can we not also hear that in Penelope's voice? If the question is how they overcome it, the first part of that answer is by Penelope taking accountability. Coming clean.

And even though Marina has more that happens to her, this is the end of her and Colin's love story. From here, they don't really intersect. Marina does say to Daphne that Colin is a sweet boy, and for what it is worth, she is sorry, but they have very little beyond this. Until Season 2 when he visits her [we'll unpack that can of worms at a different time] Eloise comes to Penelope and asks how she's faring, Penelope says their mum swears they're ruined. But Penelope then asks about Colin, if he's in pieces, and Eloise assures that Colin will be fine as most men are, but that Whistledown has gone too far with the slander the sheet did to her family. The Featheringtons are asked to leave the luncheon, and Penelope walks off with them, realizing the true impact of Whistledown and what she's done for the first time.

One of which is Marina's brush with death. Disgraced, abandoned, and rejected, Marina drinks what she hopes is an abortive tea, and Penelope finds her on the floor after she comes to talk to her, perhaps to come clean, perhaps to make amends. Now that Colin is no longer a point of contention between them, Penelope can open her heart once more, and likely feels immensely guilty. In our final episode, Penelope is clearly feeling the weight of her actions, even when Marina apologizes to her after drinking the tea and recovering, is glad she can finally go home, and says Penelope was right. That Colin is a good man with a good heart. That Penelope was good to him, and one day, Colin will see it. It's the end of the season, now. Marina is more than ready to move on.

Enter Phillip Crane. The entire Phillip situation is tragic, how he has to tell Marina that George is dead, and how Marina has his letter as proof that George loved her, and that she thought him a villain. (Marina has a moment that I think will be reflected by Penelope in Season 3: 'I was wrong.' )

The next scene Penelope and Colin share is when he's singing for his family, his voice catching when he looks at her. Likely in gratitude or appreciation, but also this is another moment in which he looks at Penelope differently, their relationship subtly shifting. He realizes she was trying to tell him. He admires how good she is. He's touched by how she cares about him, how she tried to keep him from heartache. And she did. She really, really did.

She just also tried to keep herself from it, too.

But she couldn't. Because at the end of all of this, all these twists, these turns, and all the choices she makes 'for Colin'- he has to choose himself, too. And he chooses to leave, to escape, to heal, and to embrace his passions in travel. and this hurts Penelope, too, because it wasn't that she was trying to keep him from heartache, but rather to keep him for herself. Because she was trying to tell him she loved him.

Immediately following the end of his engagement that she orchestrated, she wanted to confess. In a way, Penelope underestimated Colin, didn't see him all season, the depth of his feelings or his gentle heart. Though she tried to keep him from heartache, heartache found him regardless. She denies his request for a dance, swallows her confession, and leaves. It hurts her that he doesn't want her, but she doesn't think of his perspective in it. To Penelope, Colin is not yet a person, but an idea. This is the first fragment in that image. Which is good. It has to shatter eventually, and it does so at the end of Season 2.

Daphne, the same woman Penelope tried to pit against Marina in the diamond wars at the start of the season becomes the only real ally Marina has. Her only true friend. And the reason Phillip comes and offers Marina marriage, thus keeping her from destitution. Penelope wasn't going to, even though she was sorry at the end. She cries after Marina walks past her without so much as a glance when she walks her way, stone faced, into a carriage with a complete stranger, her dead love's brother, to live the rest of her days in a completely new place.

And Penelope? Penelope engrosses herself into Lady Whistledown, and she continues correspondence with Colin from afar, as she is more comfortable doing, and she dreams of a someday, and she feels invincible, because at the end of the day, even though what she did was objectively not good, she got away with it. She leaves us with a smirk at the end of Season 1.

Which makes her even more bold in Season 2. Which will lead us up to her having to face actual consequences for her actions in S3, because in this entire season, not once does Penelope apologize, and in fact, the two people whom she causes the most harm to, both end up apologizing to her, completely unaware that the entire time, she'd been plotting to break them up from the very beginning

I don't think Penelope is evil, but Marina certainly isn't, either. To assume that Penelope felt betrayed by Marina, to pin the blame onto her, is to twist the narrative, and it has festered so long and so deeply into Polin, that we've seemingly completely forgotten.

Like it or not, the story with Marina serves important roles: it reveals the extent and sacrifices Penelope will go to and make for Colin, for herself, for her own happy ending, and for romance, it shows what a hopeless romantic Colin is, and how dearly he cares for others, how deeply he feels, and how desperately he wants to be heard. And, more than anything, it's the story of a woman who was thrust into circumstances that were bigger than her, that left her scrambling for answers, that revealed everyone else's cruelty in their interactions with her.

And that revealed ours, as well.

sometimes fanon festers for so long that it becomes what we swear is real, even if it isn't. it becomes a rot, in fact, manifesting in so many bad takes, particularly about Marina, in the Polin tag. we've all seen them. Penelope exposed Marina because she did it for Colin. Marina didn't care for Colin and only wanted to trap him. Colin was blind to what was in front of him all along. some of them are more cruel, people stating that Colin was an absolute idiot or that Marina was a heartless bitch.

It's enough of Marina being the Big Bad in Polin's love story. She isn't. Marina got dealt a horrible hand, and she navigated it with so much more grace than I ever could have. She endured physical abuse, verbal degradation, gaslighting, manipulation, derision, fake friends, and the death of her own love story to come out the other end a pragmatic woman with a kind heart, moving forward. Her experiences in Season 1 made her believe she had no Love Story to live. She loved, she lost, she tried again and it blew up in her face.

And she deserves our fucking sympathy

Her story is over in Bridgerton, but as Polin's love story continues, it's important to get a clean look at Penelope's intentions and how morally gray she truly is, which makes her all the more interesting and complex. It makes Polin's love story and their dynamics rich and nuanced and layered. Both Colin Bridgerton and Penelope Featherington said "I'll do anything for love"

we get to see just far that stretches

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

So I (finally!) bought a pair of really good noise cancelling headphones, and it has changed my life! It's the fanciest thing I've bought in years, so to recoup some of the cost, I’ve researched & written a little essay based on my experiences with extreme noise sensitivity.

Hypersensitivity to sound is something I’ve dealt with all of my life, but I only recently found out it's medically known a Hyperacusis. (Please note this is a separate condition from Misophonia.) If you consistently struggle to cope with noise, the info below could be helpful! I’m including a link to my ko-fi, and I will be answering questions in the notes.

(skip to the bottom to read fun facts about my tax return and/or street organs vendettas!)

DISCLAIMER: I am not a professional, this is based solely on my experiences as a patient, and on what I have read and been told by professionals. Please notify me if you have corrections or concerns about accuracy!

BACKGROUND: Sensitivity to sound is a common type of sensory issue. While anyone can experience such issues (most people, for example, might be bothered by loud music in a crowded restaurant), some people are more sensitive than others, to the point it becomes a quality-of-life aka a medical issue.

If you consistently struggle with environmental stimuli that other people aren’t bothered by (background noises, bright lights, certain textures and tastes, etc), to the point it causes daily discomfort or limits the environments you can be in, I recommend reading about Sensory Processing Disorder.

SPD and sound sensitivity are both super common in autistic folks (like me!), but allistic (non-autistic) people can experience them too. Weep, ye prisoners of mortal coil, for none are safe, nothing sacred, not in this thy most accursed tomb of human flesh!

Anyway.

SOUND SENSITIVITY or HYPERACUSIS: Noise issues are particularly difficult to navigate in a world that is increasingly...noisy. The relatively new phenomenon of constant overhead music in restaurants, grocery stores, shopping malls etc—all of this means that public spaces are increasingly inaccessible to people with auditory issues.*

As a kid, nothing quite triggered sensory overload/meltdowns for me like the constant exposure to noise I couldn’t control—the background chatter of other kids in the lunchroom, the constant noise in public spaces, being trapped in the car with the radio on.... I had so many fights with my siblings about the car radio, and who got to choose the music.**

But it’s not just loud sounds that are the problem. As an adult who lives alone and works from home***, I’m lucky enough to be able to avoid loud environments most of the time. This does wonders for my general levels of anxiety and discomfort. But even in a mostly controlled environment, I still experience problems. Because part of sound sensitivity is that even normal or quiet sounds can feel loud and intrusive. Here are some “normal” sounds that can cause me discomfort (ranging from annoyance to outright pain, depending on the day):

refrigerator/AC/ceiling lights humming

dishwasher/washing machine noises

ceiling fan making that damn ceiling fan noise

faint sounds of traffic

riding in a car

other people having a normal conversation in the background

someone talking to me in a perfectly normal inside voice

Unfortunately, even in a “controlled” environment, many triggering noises can’t be controlled. And many parts of life can’t be lived in a controlled environment. This presents...some incredibly freaking annoying problems. Luckily there are solutions!

Sorta.

There are sorta some solutions.

They are imperfect, but they help.

TREATMENT: And now I have something rather shame-faced to admit. In all the years of managing my symptoms, it never once occurred to me to see a hearing specialist for my issues with sound. I wasn’t even aware that treatment options exist, because none of my other doctors mentioned it. Instead, I’ve spent years finding my own coping mechanisms and tools, with help from therapists and psychiatrists, but without ever consulting an audiologist/ENT. It was only while researching this post that I found out that was even an option, holy shit.

So it turns out I am going to be making an appointment with my local ENT practice. shit.

Apparently treatment options include sound/acoustic therapy, systematic desensitization/exposure therapy, cognitive behavior therapy, sound machines, and other options that I had no idea even existed, goddammit.

MANAGEMENT: In the meantime, here are my current coping mechanisms. I’ve relied rather heavily on hearing protection, which is very useful when used in moderation. Unfortunately, it can cause its own problems: it’s important not to overuse hearing protection, because in the long-term this can increase your sensitivity. So again: a useful tool, but be careful not to overdo it.

With that in mind, here are some of the coping strategies I’ve used over the last decade to manage my symptoms. This is not a perfect system and you should contact your local ENT clinic for better, long-term solutions, but in the meantime here are some tips I use to just get myself through the damn day:

Regularly spending time in a quiet controlled environment, to allow my nervous system to decompress.

Wearing earplugs, (I use two different grade, depending on the level of noise prevention I need), and always carrying an extra pair in case I need them unexpectedly. I bought a 50 pack for $7 and put spares in all my bags and jacket pockets.

(I mostly use Mack’s Ultra Soft, but there are so many types and materials and brands, including foam, silicone, wax, custom moldable etc. Even if you have trouble wearing things in your ears, you might be able to find something comfortable.)

Similarly: hearing protection earmuffs, the kind used in gun ranges and on construction sites. I bought mine online for $10. they look like normal wireless headphones, so I've never gotten comments when wearing mine in public (other than “cool heaphones” bc i added skull glitter stickers).

Sometimes I wear the earmuffs on top of earplugs, when life is just too damn LOUD.

Listening to music w/ earbuds or headphones is a great way to balance out background noises, especially if you can find soothing playlists that help you concentrate. Also useful to put in just one earbud when you need to pay attention in class/at work.

Pro tip: if your hair is long enough you can wear wireless earbuds without anyone knowing.

White noise, rain noises, ocean noises etc can be helpful! Some people like whale songs although personally this activates my primal fear response

Active noise cancelling headphones: the reason I wrote this post to begin with—I finally bought a pair! As in, a really good pair! As in, a depressingly expensive pair with noise cancelling technology that actually WORKS, holy shit. I probably need to wear them a little less at home (bc overprotection causes problems in the longterm) but they have absolutely transformed my ability to go out in public and i never ever want to take these suckers off again please take a power screwdriver and nail these to my head, bury me in the sweet sweet shroud of silence. holy canoli and cream puffs I want to marry form a civil partnership with these headphones. Plus they have a bunch of features, like being able to control the level of noise cancellation, so I can hold a conversation or be aware of some ambient noise for safety reasons.

Oh, and also they play music I guess?

Sorry sorry I promise this post wasn’t supposed to be me shilling for Big Electronics. I’m just excited, I’m an excited flabby little ball of expired flubber. ANC headphones aren’t a perfect solution, and I still sometimes wear earplugs underneath, and I will always be uncomfortable some of the time, but for me it’s been a big step.

Unfortunately the cost of good quality ANC technology means this isn’t an option for everyone, and the (much cheaper) gunshot protection earmuffs I mentioned earlier still provide an impressive amount of protection and bang-for-your buck (maybe even an equal amount of protection, if you can find ones that fit well). But if noise consistently prevents you from enjoying public space and life in general, and you’ve already tried earmuffs & earplugs and find they don’t offer enough comfort/convenience/protection, and if you’re in a position to save up for a one time non-necessity purchase of $150+, noise cancelling headphones are an option to be aware of. (Please always check the return policy so you can try before you buy. I ended up buying and returning 2 pairs before finding what worked best for me. And please look for a retailer that offers an extended warranty. You want those motherforkers to last).

There are cheaper options available, including some under $50. The ones I tried didn't work as well as my hearing protection earmuffs, but some people report good experiences, so that is something to consider. it's always good to know your options! Passive noise canceling is another affordable alternative.

Medication: A final tool in my toolbox, which for me personally has helped as much as every other method combined. Like, a lot, it’s helped a lot. It turns out some anti-anxiety medications can also help sensory issues. There’s not much research on this, and I only discovered it firsthand when a medication my doctor prescribed for anxiety ended up significantly helping my sensory issues. I no longer need medication for anxiety, but my psychiatrist still prescribes that same medication off-label for my sensory stuff. Ask your psychiatrist to research your options (they will probably have to do some digging to find relevant research, but you deserve to know all your options, even the obscure ones). Fyi, the medication I use is in the benzodiazepines class, but there are other options for those concerned about dependency or side effects.

(I'm also told anti-anxiety supplements may be helpful, though I haven't tried this yet. If you're on prescription meds, always talk to your doctor about contraindications before taking anything over-the-counter.)

So there you have it, my main coping strategies for sound sensitivity! They are not a replacement for medical treatment (except that last one which is in fact...medical treatment), but I find them helpful and I hope some of you will too! I’ve struggled for a long time, and I’m very pleased to have reached the point where I can just do things in public. Eating out in loud restaurants? I can do that now, and even enjoy it, holy shit! I can comfortably travel in cars for hours at a time, and walk around shopping malls and grocery stores with overhead music, and, and —and just exist. It is so so freeing, to feel like maybe, after everything, you are actually allowed to just exist in a world that wasn’t really designed for you.

Again, be careful not to overuse hearing protection—the goal is to allow you to be less uncomfortable and to function better, but if you find you are becoming more sensitive to noise, it is time to dial it back a notch. Or maybe consider listening to music (at a reasonable volume) to block out background noise instead.

*(This also includes people with hearing loss and related issues, btw. While that’s not my area of knowledge, I would welcome it if any of my HoH followers want to share their experiences.)

**A sign of sensory issues that parents often miss is when a child complains about music being too loud—but has no problem listening to their own music at high volume. This is because music that is already familiar to the listener (and that the listener enjoys) is much easier for the brain to process, since it knows what pattern of sounds to expect. Loud music that they get to control can be soothing for people with sound issues, especially when it blocks out background noise and sensations. This is why repetitively playing the same songs can be a helpful form of stimming.

***(working on this blog, actually. since it’s my only source of income, my 2020 income tax return literally lists my occupation as ‘Tumblr Blogger.’ Oddly, my parent didn’t feel this achievement was worth including in the holiday family newsletter.)

bonus fun fact: Charles Babbage aka “father of the computer” may have been autistic and hypersensitive to sound. He definitely had a huge problem with public noise pollution, and spent his later year waging a war on street musicians (and organ grinders in particular).

(bc like, yeah. screw organ grinders.)

Sometimes when I’m out in public and the overhead music is particularly unbearable, I’ll take a moment to look up to the sky and scream out: “HE TRIED TO WARN US! THE FATHER OF COMPUTERS TRIED TO WARN US!!! we should have listened, sweet heaven we should have listened!”

except i don’t scream it, i say it very quietly under my breath

(i have issues with noise)

so yeah that is my short essay. and here is the ko-fi goal

k ciao i gotta go pick out glitter stickers for my headphones

[sunjaesol]

this is sacrilegious and i cannot believe i am doing this i will surely burn in hell but...

stiles or lydia?

Okay, so I've been thinking about this question ever since I received it, which is way more thought I've been putting into my paper, but here we fucking are, I guess.

I'm going to be annoying and say both, as they're two sides of the same coin and therefore too similar. Sure, the way they react to conflict is different, but it all boils down to both using their book smarts to find a solution.

I think that's best exemplified in 3x14 when Lydia gets caught in a bear trap and he has to get her out of it despite his literacy not working that moment. He always figures it out, even if it's unconventional, while she also always figures it out since she literally knows everything.

They're both less competent in emotional situations, shown by Lydia's instinct to keep people at an arm's distance for as long as possible + seeing emotions/feelings as weaker as it's not scientific in the way maths/physics/chemistry is.

3B very much feels like an allegory for depression shown through Stiles, so that kind of says it all.

There's a frantic, unconditional need from the both of them to always help and to always push to the limit and not take care of themselves in the process. Scott even reminds us in season five that they're just human and yet, they fight 'til the end. Stiles is possessed in season three, Lydia gets beaten down again and again in season five, Stiles disappears from their plane of existence in season six. And yet they keep going. It's wonderful to look back on season two and remember Stiles saying, "You don't care about getting hurt. [...] And if you die, I will literally go out of my freaking mind." Because it turns out they'd both lose their minds!! Hurrah!!

And the most obvious one: they're each other's emotional tethers. Holy fucking shit. Lydia tore through time and space, caused a rift and pulled him out of limbo by pure love. Holy fucking shit. Lydia was presumed dead on Deaton's table (Scott, the one with werewolf hearing, had literally given up), but Stiles refused to believe that and kept begging for her to wake up. Holy fucking shit.

So yeah. I pick both.

[danieyells]

Yo Danie, I wonder if you've got any ideas on this; in TAS, transients either get summoned to Tokyo because the app reaches out and makes pacts on people's behalfs with willing familiars, or they get summoned by having, like, a wish of some kind and they end up stumbling through a portal to Tokyo to see that wish fulfilled, right? And then they either get unsummoned, or stick around for whatever reason?

Here's the thing; when they get unsummoned, do they go home? The Red Oni in chapter 1 seems pretty convinced that he's going to die unless you make a Summoning pact with him, but Salomon says later that Shiro's familiar whose connection you cut will just end up going home. Further to that, Macan says about Oniwaka when he's vanishing into light that he's going back to his home world, and then when his strength recovers he'll pop right back in.

The thing is though, that there's a remark early on that Stray Transients, who are Transients without a Summoning bond by the game's definition if I'm remembering right, can only maintain themselves for a while by sustaining themselves on the land's energy. Even further, the actual Housamo wiki says that they'll be unsummoned from the game if they don't find a way to sustain themselves, usually by getting into a pact. Guilds I believe are also noted to be one way around this. Does that mean that if you just wait outside of a Pact, you'll go home? Or would you pop back in again after a bit, essentially trapped in Tokyo?

ALSO ALSO, Bathym says that, though this only applies to "his hella demonic self", demons need tons of emotional energy directed at them to survive, and a pact is the most efficient way to get energy.

But we don't see Sitri in a Guild or a Pact (unless you Pact him, but I'm pretty sure that's non-canon), and Sitri also has a family. They're all demons one would presume, so why does he not seem to need anything like Bathym does? We can derive from this that Bathym was either speaking about himself, and only himself, lying to try and get the Protagonist to make a pact with him, or that Sitri has a Pact he isn't chatting to anybody about, right?

HOWEVER. In chapter 4, we see that the Aoyama guild provides supplies for the enormous number of Stray Transients who have nothing and no prospects, but that those strays are unlikely to be guild members. Further to that, she mentions that the ninjas and many other strays are like, literally treated as the dregs of society. So, how come they're still around? Surely the Stray Transient population should be either dwindling all the time, or in constant flux? But I'm pretty sure there's a notable overpopulation issue in canon because of the sheer number of Transients! Not to mention, if they're treated like dirt and killed and traded, you'd think they'd just...WANT to leave, right? So they could just wait until their connection ran out.

AND ALSO, it's noted in the backstory that Transients started pouring through the gates one day in history, and that this generation has never lived in a Tokyo without walls, but the previous generation therefore presumably did; that means like, it's been at least 2 decades, possibly 3. How long could those Transients have stuck around without a pact going by the lore?

Lastly, the Protagonist has the power to rend Transients connections to Tokyo, canonically. How then, do those Transients come back if they've had their connection severed? And shouldn't the Protagonist offer to go to the slums and ask if anybody would like to go back to their homeworld if that were the case? Or will everyone literally just rebound to Tokyo completely?

Further to that, when people fulfil their wish, do they go home? When they've played their Role out completely, is that the end of their tenure in Tokyo?

Basically, I think the whole system is a little underexplained and I've seen you post thoughts here on stuff, so I was wondering as to what you'd make of it all! Am I missing something?

. . .holy shit anon this is an essay innit lol not that i'm complaining, I just was not expecting it when I saw the notification after I woke up. For the record I saw this at. . .7am or so. It is now 11:55 when I'm finishing it. HYPERFOCUS GO BRRRRRRRRR. OKAY LET'S SEE IF I'VE GOT SOME THOUGHTS FOR YOU.

DISCLAIMER: I'VE BEEN PLAYING THIS GAME FOR LITTLE OVER A MONTH AND I FEEL LIKE I HAVE FAR FROM ALL OF THE DETAILS. I haven't read three of the translated past events yet and I haven't read most of the untranslated content(including Chapter 11 although I'm super tempted you don't even know.) These are just my understandings of things, I suppose.

ALSO IDK HOW FAR YOU ARE IN THE STORY. . .I mean you mention them being sold so you're probably up to Chapter 10 at least since that's where we learn about Daikoku selling transients because it gets him off I guess, although they also could have mentioned it some other time and I just forgot lol BUT. YEAH PROBABLY GONNA MENTION SPOILERS.

TL;DR:

Red Oni: summoned to Tokyo without a pact. When rended from the land would disappear, possibly die. Likely this is because of whatever conditions are happening where they came from or having had already been dead when summoned. Possibly also just a false belief because they didn't know well what was going on to begin with. Possibly also just part of the game plan originally but retconned by the devs then never rewritten.

D-Evils: Shiro's Rule is Ressurection which causes an exception when clashing with Rending. The world of the Old Ones is gone, the D-Evils are familiars created by/living in Shiro's book. Entities, abilities, and artifacts from Old Ones are able to be used outside of the app/battle zones, so D-Evils can exist if Shiro just summons them. D-Evils don't go away when rended because they're part of Old Ones and Old Ones is gone--if they go away they return to Shiro's artifact where they came from. They also donct go away because rending them causes an Exception.

Oniwaka; Zabaniyya; Ophion: rended from EXCEPTIONS not from the world. Were likely sent back in order to resolve the exception after being rended and to recover the energy that sustained their physical forms in the first place, not because they had no means of being sustained in Tokyo. Returned due to pacts with MC, positions in Guild, unfulfilled pact, etc once their energy to maintain physical form returned.

Stray Transients: likely have outstanding pacts and thus do not disappear over time. However, some don't and those proper strays will likely return home after an amount of time, but we don't know how long. Alp has been in Tokyo for a few months but isn't disappearing despite arriving because he wanted to be loved/popular. So unattached transients stay around longer than a few months. They may also be attached to the school they were initially meant to go to to be monitored, or someone who works there. They may not want to go home due to poor conditions, being dead, lacking a home or people to return to, etc. Remember, even in real life people immigrate to places that treat them poorly--but that's because even that and the potential in those places is likely better to them than whatever they're running away from. If the transient arrived in distress it's because they wanted to be away from wherever they started out or because they desperately needed something. This new opportunity may be what they need--to find someone they lost, to find an answer, to simply start life over fresh. Even if they're being abused, looked down on, they may simply be happy to be alive. If they want to go home, they hopefully just have to wait--but you have to live if you wanna get home, don't you? Best to survive as well as you can.

Stray Transient Population: constantly increasing to sustain/grow the Game for the World Representatives. The overpopulation is deliberate. They do not care about the wellbeing of these people, they only want to create a stadium to fight in, and for that they need more transients and app users than humans not using the app in Tokyo.

Sitri: Aside from forming a pact with him, Sitri's Sacred Artifact is his wings/are his feathers, which cause people to fall in love with someone who touched them after the feathers that had been touched are attached to a second party. Sitri feeds off of the love directed to him. This is troublesome for him more often than not, but I'm pretty sure that's how he gets the emotions he needs to eat if not via pact.

Being around from the start?: The gates appeared in 1999--it's been at least 20 years, assuming the game takes place anywhere near the present year. Off the top of my head we don't know if any stray transients have stuck around for extended periods. How long someone's been in Tokyo rarely comes up. We know Yule has been in Tokyo for a few years because he went to middle(elementary? Idr) school with Ryota. Sitri is similar with Kengo. As such, given Sitri and Yule aren't in guilds as far as we're aware, assuming being attached to a school doesn't make one connected to Tokyo, we can assume they're stray transients. This means that they'd been here for years, as strays. Given we know stray transients disappear eventually, it's safe to assume that there have been stray transients who disappeared and went home. Assuming it isn't different per individual, stray transients can stay in Tokyo for several months to several years, but to my awareness there's no set number.

Going Home: in order to go home a transient who's been summoned must fulfil their summoner/pacted humancs desire. Surtr, Azathoth, and Babalon all disappear after fulfilling Arc's desire for them to be their family, leaving behind their sacred artifacts which contain their memories until they disappeared. So, yes, fulfilling the desire entrusted to a transient/playing out their role will cause them to fulfil the conditions of their pact, causing them to disappear. However, we don't know what happens when they do. Thus far, those three haven't come back despite the reset occurring. Arc was able to summon their artifacts but otherwise could not reach them. Their artifacts were taken by Breke who was able to channel the memories within and allow Arc to communicate with Azathoth's memories.

SLIGHTLY MORE FULL VERSION WITH A COUPLE SCREENSHOTS

(read the tl;dr anyway because I probably remembered things while Inwas writing it that I didn't remember to put in the 'full' version lol I WROTE MOST OF THE LONG ONE, WROTE OUT THE TL;DR, THEN FINISHED THE LONG ONE SO. PROBABLY WANNA READ BOTH.)

Transients arrive in Tokyo either by being summoned, by being summoned ACCIDENTALLY(someone wishes to have friends/meet someone new, etc), by being pulled in by the Rainbow Of Transient Light randomly(?) sucking them up when they're in distress/have a wish to fulfil, or some combination of those.

In Macan's character quest, MC and Macan learn that the one who technically summoned Macan was MC. The same thing happens in I think Xolotl's. They end up going to the collided past--or a collided memory?--and when past!Macan is in distress over being alone, MC approaches him and says they're there for him, however past!Macan can only hear them, not see them. He calms down and asks if they're searching for him and says he's going to find them--which causes him to disappear and be summoned to Tokyo in search of this person who wanted to be by his side. Macan realizes that's exactly what happened to him--he heard a voice saying that they were with him and, in his desire to no longer be alone, the transient light came along and took him.

(it's written as 'Magan' in Japanese hence why it's written that way here--this was likely translated before his English name was given.) (Such a request, perhaps, means that he's with MC until he's dismissed by them specifically.)

Xolotl was running from being sacrificed to Tezcatlipoca and MC and future!Xolotl protected him. Seeing himself be weak and seeing himself be strong enough to try and protect MC and seeing MC who refused to leave him and hearing what they had to say, he desired the strength to live with the people he loves and for there to not be sacrifices again. He may not have gone to Tokyo if he hadn't realized that desire through meeting himself and MC. In fact, he may not have survived at all(though maybe Quetzalcoatl would've protected him if not collided MC and present!Xolotl.)

SO. If you recall correctly, MC is implied to be a transient as well. There's also the possibility that they're not, and simply are some poor sob the Game shoved 23+ memories in at once, broke the memories of the host in the proccess, and thus we have MC coming to in a park confused about everything but their own name(of course if that were the case surely someone in Tokyo would recognize them beyond their being the trophy/exile from their home world, so it's not likely.) Lil Salomon says that as a summoned transient they can only go home if they find and fulfil the wishes of their summoner. However they neither know who or where their summoner is.

Transients can appear simply due to someone's desire for companionship. But they don't necessarily appear atop that person, hence not knowing their summoner. They just hear a voice, may not even hear exactly what's being said or asked for, and the light picks them up and drops them off with no further info or ceremony. So if someone is pulled into Tokyo this way they have a summoner even if they don't know it--even if the summoner themself doesn't know. So they won't just disappear over time unless that person unwills what willed them there or they die or something. Plus we don't know how long stray transients stick around if they have no pact/summoner--we just know that they disappear eventually. It's more than a few months, because Alp showed up a few months ago and hasn't disappeared yet.

Several characters are attached to guilds which may keep them from being Strays. However some, to our awareness, have neither summoner/master nor guild. At most they may be attached to schools. Sitri, as you mentioned, is one of them, as is Yule--whom Shiro refers to as a stray transient he sees every year without being corrected(although the situation wasn't exactly a good time to clarify that lol.)

Both of them have been in Tokyo for years without disappearing--and the app is a kind of but not super recent creation, so guilds likely didn't sustain them this whole time. Neither have disappeared. Of course someone may have summoned them or they may be part of guilds without it being stated or perhaps being in a school has the same effect as being in a guild. But we don't know that for sure, either.

(Japanese middle school is from 12-15 years old. Kengo's a second year High School student now, so 16-17 years old. Sitri was a first year while Kengo was a third year, so there's two grades between them. Sitri's been in Tokyo at least 2 years. I believe he mentions seeing Lucifuge in a magazine in Ghenna so he hasn't been here his whole life either. So a few years, but not 15.)

Transients that disappear don't have pacts but transients that come back probably do/have formed pacts/attachments to the world. Remember, Oniwaka, Zabaniyya, and Ophion say to call on them if you need them. They're attached to the player now, perhaps having formed a pact incidentally, assuming the situation that brought them there in the first place isn't still in effect(or they're not still bound by, say, their guild.)

Also, much like in real life, sometimes whatever is home is worse than the horrific things you deal with wherever you immigrate to. Or perhaps you've formed attachments somewhere you've arrived and are willing to endure suffering for them. It's rarely as simple as "we're suffering, we wanna go back to where we came from." Especially since transients likely arrived due to distress or wanting to be anywhere else but home. Some of their worlds don't exist anymore(Old Ones) or are collapsing(Yggdrasil; El Dorado.) Some people have no one and nothing back home and this is a new start for them, even if the start is bad. Also they could be waiting until they go home automatically, but what're you gonna do while you wait? Probably live your life as best you can. If you're gojna be stuck somewherefor a few months you may as well make yourself at home.

So why doesn't MC go around rending people themself?

Well, for starters, they're made to be a high school student most of the day. Where would they find the time lol. Second they're a bit busy trying to save the world and all. . .and if some teenager wandered up to you and said they could get you home if you had an app battle with them, would you really believe that when you've been told your best bet is to either find your summoner or wait out your incidental connection to the world? Sounds like a kid trying to stir up trouble, and not all transients have the app anyway. I mean really would you expect the local homeless population to have smartphones? Probably not.

Furthermore. Spoiler alert

This system of the game, the gates, the transients, it's no accident. It's intentional. Tokyo is the setting for this inter-world competition to prove which world is strongest or something to that effect--and the winner gets MC, the host of the exiles and perhaps some kind of powerful system. Of course what they do with MC is up to them. The Warmongers want to keep the game going so they can fight the powerful MV over and over again forever. We don't know what the Invaders want yet afaik but based on the name I'd assume they want to use MC as a super soldier to conquer other worlds. And the Rule Makers want to use MC to support one of their own worlds as its System. /smacks MC on the back) this baby can hold SO MANY rules and roles! Hold up a whole damn world apparently!!

So think of it this way. . .they could go around rending everyone until the transient light returns them home or to the deaths they desire. . .but would the World Representatives really allow that? They'd just keep bringing in transients. They need to fill Tokyo with them--until transients and app users outnumber the humans naturally belonging to Tokyo--so they can have their little contest.

MC alone would never be able to pull off sending everyone home as long as the Game is running. The worlds would not allow their contest to be ruined.

As for who goes where and does what when unsummoned. The Red Oni hadn't been there long. And perhaps wasn't summoned in the first place, nor had anyone likely explained much to them for that arrival. Also if you felt yourself disappearing, felt your connection to this world just torn off and uprooted and fading away, even if you knew better you'd probably think you're dying. That'd be scary. You'd want to avoid it.

Of course it's also possible the oni was dead or dying to begin with and their connection being severed would send them back to death--like Shino, who'd died long ago in the Land of Wa and when he died in Tokyo he went back to being dead.

The D-Evils don't have anywhere to go back to besides Shiro's book. The world of the Old Ones is gone. As such "home" for them is back with Shiro--and remember, their rules clash anyway. Rending and Ressurection don't mix. MC couldn't rend the D-Evils from Shiro properly because it causes an Exception. At best rending them will send them back to the book until Shiro summons them again. Plus, entities from Old Ones can use their powers without the use of the app--including those with Old Ones artifacts. Shiro can summon the D-Evils at any time, even outside of an app battle--so to send them 'home' doesn't really send them anywhere but back to Shiro since they both have no home to return to and were summoned to exist in Tokyo.

Demons needing to recieve emotions seems to be more of a feeding thing than a transient connection one afair. Like Alp eating dreams--he'll die if he doesn't. It's like "I need to external feelings or I'll starve" not "I need external feelings or I go back to Ghenna." Sitri likely survived thanks to his feathers--his sacred artifact which cause people they attach to to fall in love with whoever touched them previously--causing a constant stream of love towards him as he needs it. As such he doesn't need to have a pact to live, he only needs to make people fall for him to absorb that feeling and then take his feathers back to stop eating.

The canon-ness of MC making pacts with everyone is perhaps debateable. However events, character quests, special quests, etc have characters refer to Mc as Master or Summoner. And the story can sometimes reference events and such(see: meeting characters in events before they're part of the main story, meeting them in the main story, and being able to go "didn't I meet you in [season/holiday]?" And they go "yeah, we did! It's nice to see you again!" So technically events and the like are as canon as you make them. Also having a pact doesn't mean that person can't be your enemy or can't hurt you or is fully at your command, which means that it doesn't necessarily not make sense that characters can be in pacts with/summoned by the player while still being against them. MC likely has the ability to form pacts easily/unconsciously.

This is likely(and this part is speculation!) because of MC's role as the Wanderer--as the host of the Exiles of the many worlds, they're a system in and of themself(or they'e able to be one.) As such attachments to them are like individuals having 'faith' in them, the way Systems sustain worlds. Especially those who had some relationship with or attachment to an Exile they host. This may also cause a pseudo pact with people they meet and get attached to(and are attached to them in turn, not necessarily in a positive way)--like people believing in a faith. The attachment to them, love for them, hate of them, fear of them, is a sort of belief that causes them to be able to stay in Tokyo longer because they are now unwittingly part of MC's system. After all MC is a transient and transients, as far as I recall/understand, don't summon other transients to Tokyo, they only summon artifacts because bringing a whole person and their memories requires a strong means to bind them. Transients' connections are already dependent on someone/something else--which is already taxing as a pregnancy--and that'd be hard for them unless they were born into Tokyo.

In cases like Oniwaka and Zabaniyya and Ophion, they likely needed to disappear temporarily in order to resolve the Exception on top of regaining energy to sustain physical forms in another world. Think of it like closing a program on your computer. If the program clashed with another and an exception occurs you close the one of lesser importance. You can then maybe open it again once things have cooled down with your proccesser and it can handle them at the same time--thus, they come back to Tokyo even after being dismissed by fixing the exception.

So they pop back in because they're still bound to Tokyo. MC only rended them from the exception, not from the world itself. But transients who truly have no connection will go back and stay until summoned again. . . .

(Now that I think about it when someone fulfils the reason they were summoned to Tokyo they disappear and seem to disappear for good. We don't know if they die or what. They've been eliminated from the game. This happens with Surtr, Babalon, and Azathoth. After they successfully, properly became like Arc's family and that desire was considered fulfilled the pact was complete and they disappeared, leaving behind their artifacts.

Red Oni may have been summoned to be a tutorial for the player. But also a tutorial for the player character. Red Oni thus would go away completely after fulfilling that desire of whoever summoned them, thus giving them their fear they'd die because they'd served their purpose.

I just happened to remember/consider that lol ANYWAY.)

Basically it's a bit underexplained I agree.

But that's because you, as the player, as the MC, aren't supposed to know everything that's going on. You're supposed to learn as you go while also being denied information by the Powers That Be. You don't have your memories, you don't know what's going on here until you see/experience/hear about it. It's part of the immersive understanding/storytelling proccess. The characters don't tell you how things work because they only barely understand it themselves--and then when they learn 'this isn't just a game, this isn't just coincidence, there's something greater happening here' everything they know gets thrown into question. The people who do understand it aren't going to tell you much because they don't want you to ruin their game. You're just the final boss and the trophy to be won--and possibly the system upon which the game resides, resetting every time you die so you can struggle to be won someday.

You "can't win."

So you don't need to know how it works.

That doesn't stop you or anyone else from trying to find out, though, nor does it stop you from trying to change it.

. . .I hope that helped a bit! 8'D I don't think you missed much, really. You're right in that it's underexplained but That's Storytelling, Baby!

[swiftlymoniquesblog]

Into the Unknown- Sam Winchester x Reader

The reader is a Disnerd and is obsessed with Frozen. She watches the movie constantly and plays the soundtrack at high volume in the Bunker. How do the Winchester Brothers react?

A/N: So, I just watched Frozen II with my Mom last night and my favorite song is Into the Unknown. Panic! At The Disco’s version is really good too! I’ve been this singing this song like crazy so I thought to incorporate the Winchesters into my singing world.

DISCLOSURE: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE RIGHTS TO DISNEY OR ITS AFFILIATES! Lyrics are used for reference purposes ONLY 

Warnings: Dean being (slightly) mean, fluff, Disney singing, Sam being adorable

Word Count: 1429

Masterlist

There was something about the Frozen movies that just inspired you. Whether it was the bond between sisters, Anna and Elsa learning to respect each other’s differences and learning to love one another, or the goofiness and all-around adorable snowman that is Olaf. Maybe Sven and Christoff are what you love; talking Reindeer’s are the big thing. Whatever the case may be, you couldn’t get enough! You’ve sat and watched the movie religiously since it came out on DVD and you played the soundtrack on repeat from your room, occasionally leaving the door open. Especially when the brothers or Cas weren’t around, you’d leave your bedroom door open and crank your TV as loud as you could. The song you loved the most was Into the Unknown. Something about this song stood out to you more than the others. You can relate to needing to follow someone or something into the unknown; that described your hunter life. Originally, you were just a normal college student but soon after you graduated, your brother was killed by a shapeshifter and with the help from the Winchesters, you eventually defeated the monster and joined their little “clan” of Supernatural hunters. 

One day, while Sam, Dean and Castiel had been out on a hunt, you decided to clean up around the Bunker so of course, you played Into the Unknown and sang along as loudly as you could. You hadn’t realized the other hunts had come back earlier than they said they were going to, so you didn’t hear them come in. They remained silent as you continue singing and cleaning. Everyone froze in their places; your voice was captivating to them. No, you didn’t see yourself as a great singer, yet the angel and the Winchesters couldn’t seem to do anything at the sound of your voice. Sam, Dean, and Cas appeared to have been in a trance, and as you turned around, you jumped when you saw them staring at you.

“Holy shit you guys, you scared me! What…what the hell are you guys doing home so early?” You say, holding your hand over your chest. 

“We finished our hunt a bit earlier than we thought it would take,” Cas explained. 

“Oh, well, sorry, let me turn this off then.” You say, hitting the power button on the small remote you took with you to control your TV. 

“You didn’t have to do that, Y/N. We thought you sounded good.” Sam complimented you, to which you just blew him off. Not being rude to him, you just smiled and looked away from him. Compliments from Sam were something that meant a lot to you. He didn’t give them out often, but when he did, it hit home for you. You admit, you had a big crush on the younger Winchester but admitting that to him is something you can’t do. Not like he had a long relationship with anyone and it wasn’t his fault either. 

“Well, I, uh, I’m going back to my room.” You scurry off as quickly as you could, ignoring the calls from Sam.

“That was weird. I hope she’s okay.” Sam says to his brother and best friend.

“Who knows with her. She’s kinda moody sometimes.” Dean says, to which Sam whacks his arm. “Ow!” 

“I wonder if she is menstruating.” Castiel suddenly said, surprising both Winchesters.

“What?” Dean asked, eyeing the angel suspiciously. 

“Well, I read in one of the books I found in the library about women and it said when they menstruate, they tend to be very ‘moody.’” Cas explained.

“How can you read about that crap, Cas?!” Dean asked, astonished the angel would find interest in that topic. 

“It’s good stuff to know Dean. Y/N is the only female in this Bunker. Being able to help her out wouldn’t kill us.” Sam said.

“Whatever, you guys can help with the blood and mood swings,” Dean said, shivering at the thought. 

“Good to know where you stand, man,” Sam said, rolling his eyes at his brother. 

******************************************************************

Sam’s POV

Into the unknown

Into the unknown

Into the unknown

(Oh)

I can hear you but I won't

Some look for trouble while others don't

There's a thousand reasons I should go about my day

And ignore your whispers which I wish would go away, oh

Whoa

You're not a voice, you're just a ringing in my ear

And if I heard you, which I don't, I'm spoken for I fear

Everyone I've ever loved is here within these walls

I'm sorry, secret siren, but I'm blocking out your calls

I've had my adventure, I don't need something new

I'm afraid of what I'm risking if I follow you

The lyrics to that song from Frozen was playing from Y/N’s room again. She’s been listening to it nonstop and singing her little heart out. Honestly, I loved the sound so I crept over to her room, and leaned in close, to hear her voice better. 

Into the unknown

Into the unknown

Into the unknown

(Oh)

(Oh)

God her voice was absolutely beautiful. Snap out of Sam! You can’t think like that. Don’t let her get too close; you can’t lose her like all the others.

“Whatcha doing little brother?” Dean said, suddenly appearing behind me.

“Jesus, Dean! Quit doing that!” 

“Are you spying on y/n?”

“No, I’m listening to her sing.” 

“She’s singing that stupid Frozen song again, isn’t she?” 

“Yeah.”

Dean rolls his eyes, “can’t she pick any better songs?”

“Oh, leave her alone, Dean! I think she sounds beautiful.” I defend y/n.

“Really?” 

“Yeah, haven’t you seen the way her face lights up when she watches the movie? How passionately she sings? I mean, you can tell it’s from within.”

“And you’ve noticed all this?” 

“I have.”

Then Dean gasps, “oh my God, you like y/n!”

My eyes widen. “What? No, no I don’t like her.” I scoff.

“Oh yeah? ‘Do you see the way her face lights up?’ ‘I think she sounds beautiful?’ Dean mimics me, proving his point. 

“Okay, okay, fine. I might have a bit of a crush on y/n.”

“Ha, I knew it! Sammy’s in love!” Dean cheered.

“First off, it’s Sam. Second, I’m not ‘in love’ I just, really care about her.”

“Sure, you do. Okay, well, you gotta tell her! Y/N!” Before I even get to react, Dean calls for the girl and, I begin to panic.

“Hey guys, what are you doing in the hallway?” She asks, opening the door, and looking at us. She looks adorable, with her hair tied back in a high ponytail, a tank top, and short shorts.

“Sam has something he’d like to talk to you about,” Dean said, turning to look at me, while I just stood awkwardly. 

“What’s up, Sam?” She questions me, craning her neck a bit to look up at me.

“I uh….”

“Sam? What’s going on? You know you can trust me; we’re best friends.”

“I know, y/n, I know. I just. Okay, please let me get this out before you say anything.”

“Alright.” She says, crossing her arms over her chest, that doesn’t do too well at showing she’s not wearing a bra. Damnit, Sam, focus!

“Okay, well since you first came to live here, I was immediately attracted to you but I didn’t want to ruin things between us, just in case you didn’t feel the same, and the fact we live in the same place might make it all uncomfortable. I swear I tried fighting it but then you started singing Frozen songs and you make this really cute face when you watch the movie; your whole face lights up! And I really care about you and don’t want anything to happen to you. I have a strong need to protect you at all times and to be near you. And if that scares you, then good. Cause I’m absolutely terrified of falling in love with my best friend.”

“Sam, I-I’m so glad you said that because I am too. I am so scared to fall in love, let alone with you, but if you’re willing to, I want to give this thing a try. I really like you, too.” She says.

“Oh, thank God!” I said, bringing her close to me to seal our deal with a kiss.

“Okay, this is weird since I’m pretty much half-naked here.” She laughs.

“Nah, it's fine. This is a really good look on you.” I wink at her, leaning down to kiss her again. 

“Will you watch this with me?” She asks.

“I would be honored.”

Tag list (requests are open) @fandom-princess-forevermore​ @forever-trapped-in-my-dreams​ @simpleboox​ @juju-la-tortue​ @marvelfansworld​ @tloveswriting​ @67-chevy-baby​

[lousimusician]

Oblivious Part 2

Peter Parker x Reader

Summary: You start to realize that you maybe have new feelings for Peter

----

Days had passed since you found out Peter liked you. Seeing him after was awkward, neither of you really knew what to say. And you may have been blaming yourself for why it was that awkaward. 

Because as fate would have it. 

You had a problem.

A big problem.

Since that night 7 days ago, you couldn't get Peter off your mind. It was like a switch had been flipped and you were suddenly noticing him. Like really noticing him. Like the way he blushed when he did something mildly embarrassing. How humble he was in every sense of the word, he was a genius and he knew it, but not once had he ever looked down on someone for not knowing something. The way his eyes lit up when someone talked about old movies. And then you noticed how attractive he actually was. He had a cute face, you've always thought that, and you knew he was strong. But now you were beginning to find yourself becoming increasingly attracted to him (MJ had even found you checking him out on more than one occasion). So you couldn't help but make things feel increasingly awkward around him. You were starting to figure out your own feelings towards the boy and then reality hit.

"Holy shit." You hissed, once Ned and Peter got up to get lunch, leaving you and MJ.

"What?"

"Tonight's my date with Jason."

MJ raised an eyebrow, "And you forgot?"

"Yes! Oh my god." You continued to panic.

MJ shut her book, "Okay, let me get this straight. You forgot you had a date with Jason, when he's all you've been talking about for months now, after Peter tells you he likes you."

You narrowed your eyes, "I feel like this is a trap." 

"F/N."

"Alright! Fine, I don't really know what I feel anymore. I've completely forgot Jason even exsisted because all I can think about it Peter, and I don't know what to do anymore."

"...I don't know what you want me to say. This sounds like something you need to figure out on your own."

"Ugh, thanks for nothing." You muttered. "...Okay, this is what I'll do. I'll go on the date and then I'll just break it off tomorrow."

"So, you're still gonna go out with him?"

"Yeah, he-"

Peter and Ned had come back and sat down across from you and MJ. Peter had a frown on his face, and you instantly knew he overheard part of your conversation. The rest of the lunch period was uncomfortable. Peter hadn't really said anything, MJ almost never speaks anyway, so the period consisted of you and Ned trying to make things less awkward. But thankfully the period eventually ended and you all went to your respective classes.

~~

You sighed as you threw your backpack into a corner of your apartment. School had been exhausting to say the least. It's funny how just last week you felt like you were on the top of the world. The boy you had been crushing on had asked you out, but now you felt like a dumb teenager trying to sort out her feelings for her best friend.

And now you had to get ready for your date.

You and Jason had agreed to go to the mall. Where you'd probably just grab dinner and shop around together. You weren't as excited as you were a week ago so you decided you'd just change into just casual clothing. What was the point of looking your best when you were just going to dump him the next day. You felt bad, of course you did. Jason liked you but now you had Peter consuming your thoughts 24/7 and it was getting really tiring. You weren't sure if you wanted to be in a relationship with him, but you wouldn't say no to dating a little. Coming to that conclusion was tough because picturing yourself actually being romantically involved with him was very different, he'd always just been your dorky best friend. But the longer you thought about, you started to like the idea more and more. You just needed an extra push. You walked into your living room and fell on your couch, and let out an exasperated sigh into a pillow. Your mom, who you didn't even notice, sat in a chair with her laptop on her lap and started laughing.

"What's got you all worked up (N/N)?" Your mom asked.

"Life." Came your muffled reply.

"I thought you had a date with that boy tonight, why are you upset?" 

You usually told your mom everything, but you couldn't bring yourself to talk about Peter, it just felt weird to get all your thoughts out in the open about the topic. "It's hard to explain."

"Try me."

"I don't wanna say."

"It'll make you feel better, plus who am I gonna tell?"

"Ughh fine." You sat up on the couch. "It's about.... It's about Peter."

"Did you guys have a fight?"

"N-no, he- he kinda told me he likes me."

Your moms eyes widened, "When did this happen?" Your mom had been you and Peter's biggest shipper. You never quite understood it.

"Last Friday."

"And you didn't tell me!?"

"No cause I knew you were gonna be weird about it and I had to think about it."

"What did you tell him."

"I told him I wasn't interested, but I dunno anymore..."

Your mother raised her eyebrow, "You don't know?"

"N-no. I mean yes he's cute, and yes he's nice, and we're both nerds and we get along so well together but..."

"But?" Your mom urged.

"He's my best friend!" You exclaimed, frustratedly. "I grew up with him and what if we do go out and we break up, then I would've lost my best friend. And we've been friends for so long and I don't know how I'd even go about starting a relationship with hi-."

"(F/N)." Your mother cut you off, "Your problem sounds similar to a problem I had in high school."

You looked at her confused, "You liked your best friend."

Yes."

"What'd you do?"

"I married him." A look of realization crossed your features as you waited for your mom to continue. "Falling in love with your best friend is a weird experience. I didn't know if it'd work out at first either, but once we got past the awkward stage it was so easy. We already knew everything about each other and we just understood each other so well. So, if you like Peter and he likes you, try it out. And I've seen you two together since you were 5, I don't think there's any way for the two of you not to be friends, even if it doesn't work out."

"So you think I should give him a chance."

"Of course, he's a good kid. So go cancel your date, because I haven't heard you say a single word about him all week so i doubt he was that important to begin with, and go talk to Peter."

"Okay.. thanks." You mumbled.

Your mom smiled in return and went back to work on her laptop as you walked to your bedroom. You pulled out your phone and texted Jason, and after about 30 minutes of trying to think of the nicest way of letting him down you came up with.

'I'm so sorry, but Im not sure if we should go out. Something came up.'

After about 5 minutes your phone vibrated.

'Is it Peter?'

You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion and typed back.

'Yeah'

'Then I understand, good luck.'

Okay, you definitely weren't expecting that, but whatever, you'd take it.

You then decided to text Peter.

'Can we talk tonight?'

A reply came seconds later.

'Sure, but don't you have a date?'

'I'll explain everything later, just come to my apartment at 7. My mom and dad will be out.'

'Alright'

Your heart was racing as you typed the messages. It was only 5 now so you had 2 hours before he would show up. You decided to figure out what you'd tell him, you rehearsed it in your head over and over, and before you knew it there was a knock at your front door.

You swung the door open, revealing a nervous Peter.

"Hey," you greeted and opened the door wider to let him in.

He nodded his head slightly at your greeting and headed to your living room. You shut the door and followed after him. "Soo, what did you want to talk about." Peter asked nervously as he sat down on your couch. You pulled a chair over so you were sitting across from him.

"I wanted to talk about what happened last Friday."

He sighed, "Listen (F/N), I get it that you don't feel the same, I don't know if I can handle being rejected twice."

"No it's- it's not that Pete."

Peter furrowed his eyebrows, "Then what is it."

"I've been thinking a lot, and I've come to realize that I'm not completely opposed to dating you." 

Peter stiffened and his eyes widened, before he relaxed and said sadly, "Seriously, it's okay, don't force yourself to like me if you don't, neither of us want that."

"No!" You exclaimed, "I'm not kidding Peter, you're the only person I can think about right now. You've been consuming my thoughts 24/7 and I'm freaking out!"

Peter chuckled a little, "Now you know how I've felt for 6 months."

"See! And you say things like that, and i don't know what to do. I like you, I'm really sure I do but I'm just so confused and I don't know how to deal with these feelings, because we've been friends for so long."

"Well what do you want?"

"I want to give us a chance, but I'm scared."

"Would it help if I told you how I feel about you?"

"Yes, please I need help."

"Okay, well." Peter grabbed your hands and held it in his. You looked at Peter with a blush on both your faces. "I p-panicked at first too. It happened after Liz left, and all through October and November was when my crush on you really started to grow. I started to notice every little thing about you, the way you stuck the tip of your tongue out when you were concentrating or like when you would bite your thumb nail when you were nervous. I started to admire e-everything about you. You're determined and your strong a-and I could easily list off a ton of things but it'd take too long."Peter chuckled before continuing, "I knew that it was more than a crush one night in December. We were having a movie night, and we were watching Harry Potter because you got tired of watching Star Wars and you were so insistent that we watch Harry Potter, I realized I couldn't say no to you and the way you smiled when I gave in just made my heart race." Peter smiled ear to ear at the memory.

You stared at him with puppy dog eyes, realizing more and more that you did want a relationship with the boy in front of you.

"And later that night." He said looking down at both your hands together before continuing. "It had to be about 1 am, Ned and MJ were passed out, and I had woken up from the TV, and I just found you curled up in my side, fighting off how tired you were trying to stay awake to watch Harry Potter, and I don't know, I just felt so weak for you. It was so simple but you felt so warm and you looked so cute, I realized that I wanted you more than just a friend and it felt so right. And then Monday came along and that was when-"

"Jason." You breathed out.

"Yeah, Jason had just moved here. And I remember the way you looked at him, you were like caught in a trance. And I knew I was screwed cause that was the same way I looked at you. I was so confused after, cause I thought that you maybe liked me back, but you didn't, so I tried to get over you but it just got worse, and I know we're young and don't really know what love is but I feel like I'm in love with you." 

Peter looked up but was met with your soft lips on his. Peter widened his eyes in excitement before letting them close shut. You were now standing up, leaning over him with one hand on his jaw and the other behind his neck. His hands went up to rest on your waist. The kiss quickly became deeper and a little rougher. He pulled you down so that you were laying on the couch and he was now above you. The kiss was passionate as both your lips fought for dominance, but unfortunately it didn't last long.

The door to your apartment was opened as both your parents walked in, you both pulled away quickly and were on opposite sides of the couch.

'Oh shit'

"Well I'm glad to see you two worked things out." Your mom said with a laugh looking at your disheveled forms.

Your dad looked a mixture between pissed but also very slightly relieved (probably because he trusted Peter). "I'm gonna go pretend I never saw that. Peter I like you but if I catch you with my daughter like that again you better run."

Peter gulped, "Y-yes sir."

"Um- I'll walk him out." You said quickly and pulled him along with you.

You stood outside your apartment door, and looked at Peter with a bright smile and hugged him. Peter wrapped his arms around you and held you tightly. "By the way I take it back." You said, "You are the sweetest and handsomest guy I've ever met."

Peter smiled back down at you and pressed a soft kiss to your forehead.