#i joke about this a lot but this is literally a Worse people youve ever met situation

[dayurno]

laughing so bad imagining foxes vs kevjean

kevin: guys this is my boyfriend jean yayyyy yippeeeeee!!! 😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😆😁😆

foxes: EWWWW NOOOOOOO EWWWWWWW BOOOOOOOOO GODDDD EWWWWWWW GAGGGGG

how would you feel if your friend who is known for being bad at standing up for himself started dating someone he met at the worst point of his life and that person, on top of being extremely mean and hateful, not only has worked against the best interest of you and your friends in the past but also had a brief situationship with another friend of yours a few months before. and he’s FRENCH. let’s be real they’re eating jean up in that groupchat. my man is getting rinsed. no survivors

almost none of that is jean’s fault within context but the foxes are very unsympathetic people with a knack for assuming the worst of every situation. i would give jean perhaps five minutes of civilized conversation with any of them before someone asks if he’s planning on fucking anyone else in their friend group soon

[ckret2]

youve gotten a few asks about billford before, and your plans for ford's relationship with bill in your fic, but im curious if you personally ship it yourself/*like* it. and, just for the hell of it, if you have any opinion on billdip too, since that one's even more controversial.

I'm gonna put most of this under a cut since it's not only long, but also long about two different topics, but the tl;dr is:

Yeah, I'm a fan of billford. I don't think it's canon, inevitable, or necessary to their dynamic, and I'm still on the fence about whether things will tilt toward the romantic in my fic or if it'll stay platonic, but I do enjoy the ship a lot because it has a lot of (obsessive, weird, unhealthy, angsty) elements that interest me to explore in ships. Billdip, on the other hand, does nothing for me. I don't care about how people ship imaginary characters in their fictional fandoms and I'm not gonna block anybody for liking it, so this isn't a moral stance, here—I just don't like it personally.

One of the things that intrigues me most about a ship is the idea of love that's gone so far it isn't even love anymore but punched out the other side into unhealthy obsession, and "I'll spend the next thirty years of my life hunting you to death" versus "What if I turn you into a gold statue and carry you around to stare at you a lot" sure fit right into "unhealthy obsession." On top of that, some of my favorite ship dynamics are:

the worshiper and the person they've picked to revere as their god, either metaphorically or literally—with bonus points if the person they've devoted themself to doesn't deserve that worship and maybe isn't even all that special, and the worship actually reveals more about the mind of the lover than it does about the (un)divine nature of the beloved

the mad scientist and the muse who gives them ideas and inspires their work (one of my all-time OTPs has a line where the mad scientist says to his ex "we were each the muse to the other"), with bonus points if they both get so caught up in "what can we do together? What dreams can we make reality—" that they plunge into full "so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should" territory—and bonus bonus points if they eventually come out of the haze of SCIENCE and one of them is horrified by what they've done... but maybe the other one isn't.

two people who are wildly compatible with each other (similar hobbies, tastes, worldviews! they fill in the gaps in each other's personalities! they each happen to be the other's type! they understand each other like no one else can! whatever, fill in the blank!), but for some reason one betrayed the other, they've tried to kill each other, and now things are vicious and bloody and painful and raw between them; but if they talk to each other and accidentally let their guards down for even a split second, all that history is still there, they still like the same stupid movies and share the same stupid inside jokes no one else will ever understand and have the same stupid complementary life dreams, they could have been good for each other, but there's no road back to where they were before the betrayal. Their chemistry is like two huge magnets strapped to land mines: the attraction is as powerful as ever but heaven help them both if they ever touch.

or, alternatively, two people that have all that chemistry, but are just really toxic and do bad things when they're together and enable all each other's worst tendencies, even if they don't necessarily do bad things to each other; and they've got to navigate the fact that they might adore each other so much but they are objectively worse people when they're together.

I like ships with inhuman things. As a writer I like waxing romantic about the inhuman things and trying to convince the reader that yes, this too is beautiful and lovable when seen through the eyes of a lover. I will make you take the stupidest love interest seriously for five minutes. I've romanticized a sticky pile of goo, I've romanticized a robot spider, I've romanticized the concept of being a disembodied voice, I've romanticized a pteranodon made out of lava, and I'll romanticize a cyclopic gold-plated corn chip too, don't test me. Who better to adore a sentient triangle than a scientist-artist who sees the beauty in precise angles?

Depending on the headcanons and/or AUs you're working with, you can get all of these pretty darn easily out of Billford.

I like writing Ford as the awed naive intellectual, hungry for knowledge, for the secrets of the universe, for more, who was utterly dazzled and starstruck by this divinity who tantalized him with esoteric secrets—and who's been furious at Bill for thirty years for betraying him, hurting him, threatening his home and everyone he loves, but underneath all that also furious at him for not being what he advertised when he could have been that; and Bill, meanwhile, playing it cool, far too comfortable playing the role of faux god, but privately, secretly distraught that his favorite "student"—the one who takes Bill's "teachings" and gets creative and inventive with them, the one who always wanted to know more, not just about the universe but about Bill personally—his favorite student no longer worships him, doesn't even respect him, doesn't even see him as an equal, but looks at him like he's the scum of the universe, and Bill won't even admit that it bothers him but it's killing him that nothing he does can get his favorite to so much as smile at him again.

That's the dynamic in my head when I write them. You could play it as purely professional, a god disappointed to lose a worshiper like a boss disappointed to lose his best employee or a celebrity disappointed to lose the president of his fan club; or you could play it like platonic friendship, maybe a QPR; or you could play it like a romance. I like the zest added when you toss romance into this already nasty mess of emotions. I like capping off all that heartache with, "—and if things had turned out differently, maybe I would have taken your hand and traveled with you to the ends of eternity, if only you weren't [such a brutal heartless backstabbing piece of shit]/[unable to forgive a few white lies and some light torture]."

Billdip, on the other hand, does absolutely nothing for me. Not even just for the age reason—that does squick me out, but even if I try to look at it like "okay pretend he's aged up" or "stick it in an AU where they're both dumb kids having dumb kid crushes" I just, see nothing there. I don't even see anything there platonically. Like, legitimately—for the fic I'm working on, I've been trying to figure out what kind of dynamic/interactions they'd have beyond just "Dipper scowls at Bill a lot" and even on that level I've been struggling to think of something compelling between them. I look back on the fact that for a good few years billdip was the ship in the fandom and I go, "why? where's the meat? what do they do for each other?"

I'm forced to imagine that the ship must have been based on some combination of "fandoms naturally want to ship the everyman main character with the charismatic fun villain," "a bunch of teens with crushes on Bill were using Dipper as their self-insert stand-in," and "people assumed Bill wasn't lying when he said Dipper impressed him and didn't start revising that opinion until we got to see firsthand that he uses lines like that on everybody." It feels really uncharitable of me to the shippers to assume that their OTP is founded entirely on statistically average fandom trends and character misinterpretations rather than, like, y'know, traits actually present in the characters, so I'm taking it on faith that there's probably more to it than that and I just don't see it because it just ain't my jam.

When I do try to speculate harder on "how would I get them to interact with each other in a compelling way, like, just in a platonic sense?" my brain starts going "well, dipper's a nerd who's into the paranormal, he wants to know about mysterious things? maybe he's fascinated with bill as a mysterious thing? and maybe... idk, why would bill give a hoot about dipper—maybe bill takes advantage of that fascination, tempts him with more information, maybe he's amused by Dipper's curiosity about weird things—?" and that's usually about the point where I go "this is just, the way Bill and Ford met. This is the watered-down junior version of Bill and Ford's first few weeks." In trying to figure out what the heck Bill and Dipper would even talk about I keep accidentally recreating a less interesting version of Bill and Ford's dynamic.

I want and need Bill and Dipper to have an interesting character dynamic in this fic so being unable to come up with something that personally compels me has been actively frustrating me lmfao, but it does serve to illustrate my main point here: man, billdip does nothing for me so hard that I can't even see them platonically interacting.

[mydemonsdrivealimo]

Hello! From this list for J/B.

What is the first thing they notice about a stranger?

Who would they quote?

What could make them change their mind?

What are their guilty pleasures?

What is something they're staunchly against?

If they ever cry over a song,

What is a song that will always make them cry?

(I think I may have been worse than you lol)

im actually gonna get around to answering all the asks i have sitting around woo

What is the first thing they notice about a stranger?

okay so this one was hard but honestly, for both of them, i think its queerness. ive realized that i do this and it absolutely fits them too. like if there are indicators that any stranger is queer they will instantly like them a little more than anyone else in the room. besides that though asdfghjk if any stranger has cool fashion, whether that be jewelry, a shirt, etc. theyll usually take note of that just bc its something theyre interested in

Who would they quote?

neither of them are really big on the shitty inspirational quotes, so realistically in the day-to-day itd be random tv show characters, lyrics, or comedians. and for bryce he also adds in random tiktoks that stick in his head. for jensen i assume he, like me, quotes john mulaney at least a few times a week, usually w "thats the same joke twice" and various other things (ik hes controversial but that man has cured multiple depressive episodes for me so i gotta take it where i can get it). for bryce i absolutely think he does the crazy? i was crazy once bit whenever the opportunity presents itself.

What could make them change their mind?

pftt each other? but anyway lol jensen is a facts and evidence person. he doesnt do as well when emotions are in the mix, and if theres undeniable, untampered evidence, that would change his mind pretty easily. though, there are people he has soft spots for. bryce, of course, but also people like liyah and his mom (especially his mom). hed be willing to throw evidence and facts to the wayside for them if he really needed to (again, his mom)

bryce is a little harder to convince. hes not stubborn, at least not as stubborn as jensen, but he would rather stick by the sides of people he knows and cares about than look at the facts (if they go against them). convincing him to change his mind is definitely the way to go, but it has to be from someone he trusts without a doubt

What are their guilty pleasures?

oh this one is hard. i think jensen is a really bad doom scroller. it tends to start with him looking into news or something hes interested in for a quick second, but it very quickly turns into an hour or more of just the worst shit imaginable, and a lot of the time its shit that can and/or will trigger his ocd

and bryce watches bluey. thats it.

What is something they're staunchly against?

okay i could say the obvious "dont be a pos person" shit but we all know that so heres some fun ones

jensens is wearing outside shoes in the house. if you wear outside shoes in his house you WILL be cleaning it up. he thinks its gross and rude and if he convinces himself youve brought in a disease that will kill him then thats totally unrelated to his ocd. he is happy to provide socks or youre more than welcome to leave a pair of inside shoes there, but dont wear your outside shoes into his house

bryce has a deep-seated dislike for anything that comes in the color yellow. he does not own one thing with yellow on it. he doesnt know why either, but if its in yellow, its almost a guarantee that will not like it

What is a song that will always make them cry?

jensen doesnt have any, and bryce doesnt have one song that will Always make him cry. but, if hes in the mood, he will be sobbing to literally everything. some that come to mind would be oh noel by idkhow :), my love mine all mine by mitski, and news at 9 by peter mcpoland

[ssparksflyy]

hello hello! i’m kinda new to requesting so i’m sorry if this bad. but umm thoughts/hcs on hades!reader dating luke?!?!? pretty pls 🥹

ask and thou shall receive ༉‧₊˚.

luke castellan dating hcs ! ⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

pairing: luke castellan x child of hades!reader warning(s): swearin, SOFTIE luke a/n: tell me why i had a whole backstory planned out but then was like 'omg wait this aint even hcs fr' + lets pretend hades had a cabin at this time pretty please :)

this aint for the best, my reputation's never been worse so, you must like me for me ♡

you guys are fr so rep coded ugh

everybody thought he was crazy for dating a child of hades

but they dont know you like he does frrrr

they dont even try to get to know u so like stfu

luke however , had no fear when he decided to finally walk up to you and start a conversation one day

he introduced himself, as did you

from that point on you became inseparable

turns out u had a lot in common ( a shit ton of trauma ) and u were not like anything people said u were like at all

he really doesnt care what anybody thinks, if theres one things he knows, is its to not judge someone based off their godly parent

he also wasnt intimidated by the fact you were a child of the big three

he saw you for you, and ignored everything else ♡

but youd better believe he defends you at any chance he gets

he doesnt fight anybody

( physically , at least )

no, no, he finds another way to fuck up their lives and make them pay

send in the stolls!

he lets his gremlin ass little brothers deal with the person while he takes u on a cute lil date away from them😙

alright so i think luke gets pretty insecure about his scar

he gets mad about how he got it, then in the midst of just being pissed off at his dad and how his quest went in general, he just breaks down and wishes it would disappear :(

( SHUT UP YALL IM A SUCKER FOR LUKE LIKE THIS UGHHHH I CANN HELP HIM I SWEARRR )

but he would literally FOLD when you kiss or touch it

he gets all flustered and embarrassed nd shit 😋

it just snaps him back into reality, and allows him to find some joy while thinking about it

he literally could be like

" i hate that dumbass dragon and i hate my dumbass dad for not helping me or giving me attention when i needed it, im so tired of being ignored, but (y/n) likes kissing and tracing my scar so its ok :)"

luke likes kissing your hands as a way to show you he isn't afraid of your powers

yall ever seen that thing where like person a cups person b's cheek nd then person b kisses their palm?? yea. luke would do that.

he's obviously the king of sneaking out

he usually sneaks out of his cabin after curfew and heads to yours

nd sometimes you take the risk and sneak into his, coming in through the window by his bed

but then you gotta get up early and sneak out

( he would walk out of cabin 13 with a SMIRK )

one time you both knocked tf OUT in the hermes cabin and didnt wake up to sneak back out

...u woke up with a disposable camera in ur face

the rest of ur day consisted of giggles when you passed and teasing from the hermes cabin

its ok tho bcs luke was right there with you ♡

eventually, people stopped being assholes to you

they started including you in things and you actually made some genuine friends !

at first, you were a little hesitant because you thought they were all in on some joke you weren't aware of

but you quickly realized they were just trying 2 be better people

soon u and luke became everybody's fav couple ♡♡

annabeth loves u like a sister fr

she was the person who would sit though lukes rambling about you

nd she really likes u, she was one of the first people who saw you not for who your godly parent was, but for you

shes ur #2 supporter ( luke being #1, duhhh )

its literally u and luke vs the world

ur always on each other's side, always there for each other when needed

you guys often have talks about your parents

their both absent, so youve got that in common!

hades really hadnt done anything for you besides claim you

and we all know how hermes ignored luke as if he were a spam call

you knew exactly how to comfort each other because you understood what the other person was going through

luke was forever grateful for you

im seriously torn on whether a child of hades would join luke

we know nico didnt

but nico didnt even really know him, soo

idk ill leave it up 2 u ♡♡

a/n pt.2: heyyy! idk if these were kinda short, but i hope u enjoyed!! im v tired so ill proofread in the morning but have a good day/night!!

peace from manhattan,

percy jackson ♡

[might-guys-acorn]

Do you do hc's? If you do, could you do Akatsuki relationship hc's please?

Ive never done hc's before, but Im gonna do my best :) hope they turn out okay! -🦎

P.S. this post will be super long, so my apologies in advance folks❤

===============================

Pain

Super quiet baby.

Shows his affection through actions, not words

Has difficulties showing his emotions, but genuinely tries his best.

Isnt sure how to be in a relationship, so is very awkward. Stutters a lot when talking to or about you: "Uh.... Y/N.....I think you look, uh, s-stunning today."

Blushes all the time.

You love it

So you do literally anything in your power to cause it. Brushing his hair out of his face, complimenting him in front of others, kissing him on the cheek randomly, etc.

Loves kissing in the rain. It overwhelms his senses, from the feel of the drops on his skin, to the smell of your hair, to the light shiver he can feel run down your spine after a while. He loves every second.

Will do anything for you. Legitimately ready to end the world for the one that he loves

Konan

Super sentimental type

Talks about her past a lot, and wants to hear all about yours.

Emotional connection is an absolute must, looks are always second in her book

Want you to get along with her friends, specifically Pain. You two are the most important people in her life, so its essential that you get along.

Thinks its precious that youre interested in her hobbies. Plenty of nights will be spent trying to help you learn origami, but at the end of the day, theres just a bunch of lopsided cranes and crumple flowers around the two of you asleep on the carpet.

I dont think shed be much of a cook, so meals are a must for you. She'll always compliment you on it though : "Y/N, this breakfast looks lovely. How'd I end up with a catch like you?"

She does make a mean cup of tea though

Likes to leave little notes or origami figures around for you to find when shes away :)

Deidara

Super obnoxious ngl

Likes to show you off to everybody. Like. Everyone. Other members, enemies, people on the street. You name it.

"LOOK AT MY S/O! ARENT THEY THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BEING YOUVE EVER SEEN? THEY ARE ART ITSELF, I ALMOST WANT TO BLOW THEM UP, THEYRE THAT GORGEOUS."

Theres never a quiet moment with him

Especially right before bed, when he starts to babble nonsense because hes tired. You never knew a person could have so many thoughts until he never let one pass without it leaving his mouth

His babbling is pretty endearing though, because he is forever thinking about how amazing you are

But the only way to shut him up is to kiss him

Luckily, hes an incredibly good kisser

Will forever refer to you as his muse. And model many an artwork after you. Its very sweet until he makes them explode to show off the 'true beauty'

Sasori

Very detached at the beginning

Doesnt like having ties to this world

But he soon realizes there's no way to get rid of you, and he doesnt particularly want to either.

After that realization, he spends as much time with you as possible

Expect lots of cuddles, quiet nights, and endless hours of talking. About his past, his parents, his puppets. He wants you to know it all, because he feels like with all of it, he has to be unlovable

Is very shocked when you stick around and accept him, becomes very attached to you afterwards.

Doesnt do dates often, but on the occasional one, hes incredibly punctual and expects you to be

Hes very insecure about his "heart". He absolutely melts if you take time to let him know that its wonderful, just like him

Overall, hes just very relieved to have you in his life

Itachi

Truly surprised to be in a relationship at all

This isnt part of his mission

100% soft boi™️

Loves to hold your hand, kiss your knuckles, gaze into your eyes, all of it. Anything he has to do to remind himself that youre real, and that you love him.

Becomes a literal puddle when he realizes youre trying to name and differentiate all of his crows

Lets you feed them regularly and marvels at how sweet they are to you

Doesnt understand how someone so pure could be with someone like him, but wont complain simply because he hates the thought of losing this light he's found in his life.

Spends all his time making sure youre happy. Taking care of you when your sick, reading to you on long nights, cuddling you when you get sad. He just wants you to feel better

Doesnt give gifts often, so when you find your favorite one of his crows (Midnight, youd named it) sitting on the table with a red bow around his neck, you cry for hours.

He gets confused and thinks hes done something wrong, but you just kiss him and tell him that its perfect.

Kisame

Doesnt realize hes fallen for you until he sees you wading in a river late at night, singing softly to yourself

Really likes holding your hand

Has some jealousy problems, but not because he doesn't trust you. He just doesn't trust everyone else.

Lots of beach dates

Thinks it's adorable how he has to convince you to get out of the water when its gotten dark and cold

Prefers you don't give him nicknames, just really likes the way his name sounds when it comes out of your mouth

Loves that youre not scared of Samehada, and thinks its precious when you talk to it like its a pet and not a sword

Is even more smitten when Samehada coos back at you, its loyalty to you both means the world to him

Hidan

Insists on your belief in Jashin

Wants you to believe and become immortal with him

The eternal Bonnie and Clyde

Also the kinkiest of the bunch

Has zero issue talking about bedroom business in front of anybody

Likes how you blush when he brings it up in front of large groups of people

"Aw look at how red your cheeks get, thats so cute"

Does things to get on your nerves, because he loves watching you react. Seeing how flustered he can make you is a frequent game he'll play, cuz your anger is just as cute as your smile

Likes to casually hand you his scythe even though its too heavy for you to handle

Watching you try to hold it up makes him laugh, and you yelling at him for laughing only makes it worse honestly

Will try to get you to go on missions with him, simply because you two work together better than anyone else. No one knows him like you do, so sacrifices are always more fruitful with your presence.

Kakuzu

The most distant of the organization

Will be very difficult to connect with

But when he realizes that you seem to know the bingo book better than he does, will insist that you work on his team

From there, he'll see your personality and be thankful for all the hearts he has, because there can be an extra to give to you.

Your smile makes his day, and seeing the way you squeal when the pay comes in for a takedown melts every heart he's got

Thankful that youre just as much of a tightwad as he is, it means you make a very cheap date

Appreciates your intellect, and is happy to have a partner that is as smart as they are attractive, unlike his past partner Hidan.

Silences are an essential part of the relationship, but niether of you mind. Your presence is all he needs to feel at ease, rather than filling the air with meaningless small talk

Tobi

Never fails to laugh at your jokes

Enjoys making you laugh, even if it means making himself look like an idiot

Definition of silly romantic

Will spend lots of time telling you that youre special to him, even if its in a way that doesnt make sense

"I dont need gravity when Im with you, Im always on cloud 9"

Likes to mess with you when you try to touch him by tranferring his body to other dimensions

"Youll have to try harder if you really want to hold my hand, Y/N"

When he does get serious, though, he'll pull you to his other dimension to talk. Its quieter and theres no risk of interruptions

Likes to hug you from behind, and always has a dumb joke on hand if he ever sees you crying

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[verycorrectlotr]

all your orchestra posts are dredging up repressed memories from when i used to be in orchestra in primary school, i played viola and words cannot describe the level of loathing violas have for first violins idk what to do now youve reawakened this everytime i see one of your orchestra posts i literally feel like a wild fucking chimpanzee

ahhh inter-section drama. it’s like normal drama but pettier and far more fun.

i think someone else might have done this but.

the way i’ve seen it mapped out (in both my old school orchestras and local ones):

strings: 

most dramatic part of the orchestra by FAR. actually, most of the sections aren’t particularly extra but the cellists make up for the rest.

1sts: 7/10. won’t start drama but everyone bitches about them (sometimes to their faces) so like. they’re responsible for a lot of it.

2nds: 3/10 generally very chill BUT they loathe the 1sts more than the rest of the orchestra.

3rds: 0/10 are they even paying attention???

Violas: 4/10 generally very relaxed but hate the 1sts with a passion matched only by the 2nds.

Cellos: ???error???/10 don’t even get me started.

Basses: 1/10 they’re stoned so.

Harps: 4/10. they occasionally start shit but they mostly keep to themselves.

note: while violins and violas won’t usually start drama, they will end it with a vengeance.

woodwinds:

not particularly dramatic (except the flutes and piccs) but still running a fairly close second to the strings.

flutes: 9/10. Gossip Girls, every single one of them.

piccolos: 11/10. even worse than the flutes.

clarinets: 3/10 eh. they mind their own business for the most part.

oboes: 5/10. it differs wildly; some of them are the chillest people you’ve ever met, some of them are too stuck up to pay attention to the fun part of any orchestra (sledging), and some of them involve themselves in literally everyone’s business.

bassoons: 2/10 too busy being chronically out of breath to contribute to drama.

percussion:

you’d think that they wouldn’t be into drama and the general percussion aren’t, but unfortunately the timpanis and pianos raise the stats a bit.

general percussion: 0/10 theyre probably high right now.

pianos: 9/10. speaking as a pianist, they’re like small infants. fine and chill when at the center of attention, but starting some sort of disaster the minute everyone’s focus moves away.

timpanis: 20/10. they’re all in a power-drunken stupor. the power-drunk part because they. they control the beat. “hahahahha take THAT you fucking oboes i’m in charge of everyone. i am the master of the tempo” is an actual text my timpanist friend sent me once. they get the stupor part from either a) playing a steady beat and nothing else for the whole thing or b) sitting still through the first 3 movements before the grand finale calls for a drum roll depending on the piece.

brass:

the brass players are the chillest out of all the instruments. except the trumpets. screw the trumpets and the spit valves they rode in on.(i’m joking. mostly)

trumpets: 13/10. don’t seem to realise that constantly talking about yourself tends to create resentment, but we need them for the triumphant movie battle scenes so they get to stay i guess.

trombones: 1/10 *relaxing elevator music plays in the background*

french horns: 6/10. theyre not french and this distresses me. also they spend too much time with the trumpets and are therefore dramatic by association.

tubas: 3/10 theyre the nicest people you’ve ever met but they shout a lot because they’ve all lost their hearing.

the conductor:

imagine the cellos, timpanis, and trumpets combined. the conductor is worse. so much worse.

[jascnbrody-archive]

think i got it.

i post a lot abt smugly Knowing How J Works w/out like ever talking abt how i think j works. or even like.. what his fam is like bc i think thats like, important. esp w the themes of the game (u kno what vaas says.)

n theres probably parts of the game/j that i read like completely wrong and against what ubisoft wanted or planned. like i rly dnt think js parents are like Blown Out Fully Rich like i think. i think. js dads parents. are rich. country club rich. i dnt think his parents are. i think js dad had a really basic job as like, either a security dude or like, a coast guard. n his mom ran a restaurant w her mom. (who i for like. no reason think is cuban. im white. so its not like, to make him more relatable to me like i think its just i want j to kno spanish so i want him to have it in his genealogy. and like him being........... even slightly mixed honestly rly fucks w the whole. thing. (also rileyd get his curly hair from there. i think his hair honestly throws me thru a loop even tho curly haired white people arent like, weird or anything)) but yeah theyre like upper upper middle class but, like, not Rich rich. 

ANYWAY...........  i think his mom was a rly private and snarky person. she cares a lot abt her kids but like. she struggles w emotions n j got that from her. i think he does have like, depression mostly bc he cant figure out what hes doing and no one will like. be honest w him. and he literally cannot reflect inward and that causes like, stress for him. bc he’ll Feel Wrong but not be able to place why. bc he cant reflect. he cant blame himself. and he cant be open abt any feelings he does have bc he cant even really decipher them.

he is like, actively suicidal and harming himself but not in like any way that anyone he lives w watches for. drinking is just “his lifestyle” and him loving to go skydiving is just j being daring and not “i hope this parachute fails so i dont have to think abt a career”

like hes cheating on liza (Often.) to force Her the be the one to break up w him bc he doesnt like, want to confront or think on the fact that hes not happy and theres Ways To Solve That. hes not looking to get better hes looking to get worse bc hes already given up on like Doing Something.

ALSO he really doesnt feel guilt right. like he’ll Feel it but not Deeply. he mostly just feels guilty abt having to Fake Guilt. like hes aware of it. he knows how he should feel bc hes like... seen it on other people. and he can recognize when he does something Really Very Wrong n he’ll be like “😬😬😬😬 ooop” but then he’ll like. make a joke abt it. (his one liners................ like its part trauma part like, he honest 2 god doesnt think its serious.)

i think hes got to like.. face that after he beats riley bc thats like, the worst thing (to him) that hes done. n it Makes Him Feel Bad bc he like, went too far n he knos he went too far. like he didnt have to shove a thumb into rileys Gaping Wound like he did that bc he rly wanted to hurt riley bc ?? he ? just did ? its not like its something He Learned. no ones done that to Him. he doesnt mind hurting people. he was told to hurt riley. riley said he could hurt him. so j Hurt Him. like he just Did it.

n him (ykno. possibly.) killing his friends would never be to be with citra its like. its just bc he (wouldve) wanted to. hes given the chance to hurt someone and he has to convince himself Not to hurt them. hes Not like vaas. (it sounds like vaas but its not .  that i cant explain . vaas is totally different in what he does. hes theatrical abt it but hes understanding of the impression and trauma hes faced bc of violence hes seen and been a part of. jason has been searching for a chance to be violent since he was born. vaas had no choice and like, j doesnt really either, but even if he did hed have chosen the path of violence. vaas wouldve loved something more quiet.)

i still think he mopes abt what hes done. for a time. like up until vaas comes back around and then j sees. what its really like to Have Thoughts abt what youve done. then he realizes he like, doesnt even really mean half of it. and Thats what was really getting to him. idk. j just doesnt kno much and he cant read into much and he cant comprehend what he does and why he does it. hes sort of blank. hes just a dude who wanted to do whatever he wanted.

and its not like he Doesnt feel bad. like his body count is huge. he nearly killed his friends. he beat the fuck out of his little brother. he feels bad about Things but not the entire thing. hes got things he’ll pick out as like “that was fucked up of me, woops :(” but overall hes like. going to choose to stay on the island. so he can up his body count (and brag about it probably. and any sort of Interesting Kill he did.). and be with vaas. which he feels 0 guilt over.

also i probably think of him as being too like. impervious. and quiet? like. he rly talks a decent bit. hes noisy. hes p loud. but i think of him as a rly quiet person?? like when i think of vaas n j talking i think honestly of vaas just monologuing and j only like. nodding and grunting in response. i think j just goes silent a lot unless he can like. make a joke. or on the rare occasion where he like Realizes smthn abt what vaas or someone else said. bc like he’ll Listen when he wants to (which with vaas (and vaas only. vaas’d get so much special treatment and he wouldnt even like, kno. bc he has nothing to compare it to until j starts telling vaas stories abt california n how he acted there (*)). is most times) and when theres like, no distractions, and he’ll think but most things he wont take to heart unless vaas words it Just Right so j can understand fully.

i guess thats like, a big comfort to me. j finds a place he can be happy. he finds someone he can be honest and blunt w. like vaas might expect j to be just as emotional as him but like........ him being so much like a brick wall wont like, change how vaas feels for him. j is still someone vaas is like, able to talk At. and get a response of any sort. itll Agitate him a lot like hes gonna say things he wants j to ruminate on esp when they like, first talk and j is just. like. not going to have much to say. its going to be Insulting to vaas but its smthn he has to like, learn to work around? j takes and listens to what vaas has to say once they get common ground under em but its just not in him to put words to feelings. 

anyway also everything bouncing off j like its nothing is also like. smthn i wish i had.

[hermannsgayhands]

some HANDY TIPS/references for drawing someone using a cane

mostly about hermann bc Lets Be Real who else is even out there to be drawn with a cane but this applies pretty generally

height: the handle should be at about hip/wrist level, and its almost definitely going to look too short if youre not used to seeing someone use a cane. theyre really not that tall.

canes that are too tall (even by just an inch!) will REALLY mess up your back and can cause a lot of pain, so its one of those things thats pretty small and insignificant, unless you actually use a cane, then its like Oh My God Please Love Yourself And Take That To A Hardware Store You Must Be So Uncomfortable

this is what standing normally with a cane will generally Look Like (it doesnt usually get much farther away from the body than this and stays pretty upright):

like it really does look almost awkwardly short but thats what its supposed to look like. the arm should be relaxed but not bent-bent, because thats when the back problems come in. its basically functioning as a third leg, so it needs to be the same length as the characters actual legs starting at the hip joint. it shouldnt change the characters posture unless theyre leaning really heavily on it like if theyre really tired, so it needs to be short enough that their shoulders stay pretty straight even when theyre leaning weight on the cane (sorry for the black cane on black pants lol i couldnt find my green one)

the cane goes on the side opposite whichever side needs support, which in hermanns case is his left, so his cane needs to stay in his right hand. some people switch depending on their needs at that specific time, but hermann never seems to do that. the cane stays on the ground for the same amount of time as the opposite foot and moves in tandem like That:

handles!:

ive seen a lot of art with hermann using one of those hook-handle canes, but this isnt the kind he uses. most people dont use those, because they get SUPER uncomfortable or even painful because theyre not at all shaped to the hand. his cane is solid wood with a handle similar to mine (below), which you can see most clearly in a couple shots when hermann is up the ladder for his chalkboard and his cane is hanging up on a lamp. not all canes look the same! try to find references for the specific character

if theyre standing up, their hand needs to be on the cane and the cane needs to be on the ground. for most people, the circumstances where they arent leaning on their cane are pretty specific and very brief, like if you need to get your wallet out of your bag and you need both hands free (and you either have an attachment on the bottom so itll stay upright, a wrist strap, or you veeeery carefully balance it on something, because it Will Undoubtedly fall over otherwise). burn gorman kinda misses this one a few times but the one that really jumped out at me was when hermann finds newt after he drifted for the first time, and he drops his cane on his way down to the floor. BIG ouch. until the character is fully seated, they need to use their cane (or lean on something else) While theyre getting fully seated. even when i have done something careless and hurt myself, its not because i did something like drop my cane right when im bending all my joints with a lot of pressure on them, because 1-muscle memory and 2-I NEED IT or else i probably wont be getting down on the floor in one piece. which leads me to the end of this, which is:

basically treat the cane like another leg, because thats basically how it functions both literally and figuratively. its the same height as the leg, it moves like another leg, it gives support the way another leg would, but mobility aids are also kind of an extension of the self, so disabled people generally are Really Not Okay with someone messing with or picking up or taking their mobility aids, because its really taking someones mobility and independence. ive seen a lot of art thats otherwise really cute that still makes me kind of uncomfortable because while im sure the artist just wasnt aware of this whole thing, its something that able-bodied people sometimes do in real life as a joke, and its really scary. if you treat it like a third leg, youve got your proportions pretty much down and you can avoid something that, in real life with a real disabled person, would unintentionally be Really Shitty and potentially put someone in danger. most of these things are pretty small and easy to miss if you arent used to seeing someone using a cane or using one yourself, but if you Do, when people get it right it makes a really big difference! i cant help noticing when things are a little off but i always notice when its drawn accurately

EDIT: i feel like a total idiot but there is at least one scene where hermann uses his cane in his left hand that i had missed (i was kind of in a grump over inaccurately drawn canes when there are already so few characters with canes so i made this post in a bit of a rush). the problem here is that its not really consistent with his kinda-canon disability based on some Bonus Content that i saw referenced on a wiki somewhere, which was his hip being shattered during a kaiju attack (tho ive mostly seen people writing him w their own disabilities). if he had an injury to A hip rather than a systemic issue, he would probably use the cane pretty exclusively in one hand because its only one side that needs the support, and the rest of him is fine. for systemic issues (like chronic illnesses that impact mobility), theres more of a likelihood that someone would switch hands depending on which side needs more support, but not always (i only ever used my cane in my right hand bc my left leg is consistently worse). this part kinda depends on the characters specific disability. sorry for the mistake earlier

[shinwnn]

college! jinwoo au

sokay jinwoo is s u p e r well known on campus because he's essentially the guy that’s always fun to be around and exudes confidence

he’s studying linguistics bc he’s fascinated with languages but also he just loves to talk and everyones always making jokes about how he’s so good with languages because he loves the sound of his own voice so much that he never shuts up

he also works at the campus radio station bc he just loves music so much!! AND he’s worked his way up to being a host so getting to play music & talk is basically the dream for him

everyone always tunes in during the hours that jinwoos hosting bc his taste in music is honestly amazing and he has the best radio voice and it makes everything he says sound interesting

you also listen to his show bc he honestly has never played a song you didn’t either already love or instantly fall in love with

but also you’re really beginning to hate this boy because the only reason you actually know him is because he lives right above you in the dorms

and he hosts the L O U D E S T parties that always happen to go till 4 am

usually you and your roommate fight over who has to go up and ask them to quiet down but tonight your roommate is out with some friends and its already 2 am you’re just laying in bed listening to the nonstop thudding sounds coming from above you & ur almost about to die because you have a 7:30 class tmrw

finally you force yourself out of bed and and into the hallway toward jinwoo’s room and you're so tired you're basically already half asleep

when you knock on the door and jinwoo comes out to see sleepy you in an oversized sweatshirt and leggings trying to form a coherent sentence ( it came out more like “the sound.. .too much.. please. stop.. the sound… theres a lot of it”) he can’t help but think you’re about the cutest thing he’s ever seen

and maybe if your eyes weren’t half closed and you weren’t entirely annoyed with the boy, you would’ve also thought he looked cute in his skinny jeans, t-shirt that was just a little bit too big, and perfectly messed up hair

but right now you're pretty much only focused on keeping yourself from completely collapsing in his door way

he feels really bad because you look like you're about to pass out but then his party has expanded to basically the whole floor and he’s lost the ability to control the noise level

he  looks around for a few seconds and without saying anything goes to try to shuffle people into rooms and closing the doors in attempt to quiet things down a little

in the meanwhile you're still standing there in the door way wondering if you should go back now but for some reason your feet aren't moving and wow the floor looks really comfortable right now

but then before you can go to ur final resting place on the floor, jinwoo is back in front of you and he notices that you're like not stable so he puts his hands on your shoulders to try and hold you up and he's like “sorry about everyone. i don’t know if i can do much more about the noise, but i hope that helped a little bit???... also are you okay???”

and no ur obviously not okay bc all you've wanted for the past 3 hrs is to go to bed but everything like 20x quieter now and its so peaceful so you just offer a sleepy smile and nod and turn around to head back toward ur room and ur bed

but then suddenly someones linked their arm with yours and its jin jin trying to be cute and gentlemanly and walk u back to ur room but mostly he's like 90% sure ur gonna collapse in the hall on the way back

ur initial reaction is !! heLLO STRANGER DANGER?? you've only talked to this boy like twice ??? and u sort of tug ur arm away

but jin jin reacts really quickly and like gently pulls u back and he's like “you look like you could use the help. c’mon-“

but even half asleep u does not want the pity of a random cute boy who throws loud parties and disturbs ur sleep so u slightly perk up and are like “ what’s that supposed to mean? are U trying to say I look BAD?”

and jin jin is kind of flustered and taken aback but immediately recovers bc pls this is park jinwoo

“actually i think you look pretty cute and id rather not wake up tomorrow morning to find that you tripped down the stairs to your death while going back to your room because you were too tired.”

so ur like annoyed but ur also like ,,,, fine, maybe i do need someone to make sure i don't die before i get back to my room and also you're kinda leaning into him while u guys are walking and its really nice not having to carry ur own weight

when u guys get to ur door jin jin leans against the frame as ur unlocking it and before u go in he decides to throw away any shred of pride he has and goes for the literally cheesiest line bc he’s never seen anyone look as cute as you do right now

“so, what about a good night kiss?”

u look up to see the brightest smile u have ever?? seen?? like how is he glowing right now but also ur like “did u really just say that”

and u see him get kinda embarrased and ur like woW IS PARK JINWOO THE GOLDEN BOY OF THE SCHOOL ACTUALLY BLUSHING RIGHT NOW??

he’s not really use to rejection bc he hasn't really met a girl he would put himself out there for (but lets be real even if he had, no one would've rejected him what are u doing??)

so he just looks down at the floor and puts his hand on his neck like “ha h a, , yeah, probably shouldn’t have”

but he looks really cute all flustered and you dunno why, tho its probabbly bc ur so tired that u don't actually know if any of this is really happening, but u give him a peck on the cheek and a quick good night before u go inside to ur sweet, sweet bed

n jin jin is just standing outside of ur room, stunned bc WOW ur an angel did that really just happen to him

by the time he gets back to his floor, the partying has pretty much died down to nothing since he really killed the mood when he started pushing people into their rooms for your sake

so he just goes to his room and his roommate mj is laying in bed on his phone (super calm for a change) and jin jin all but jumps on him like “you wouLD NOT BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED”

and ofc mj immediately is as awake as ever dying to know what

after telling mj every detail he basically goes to bed thinking about u being cute whereas youve been knocked out for the past 20 minutes without so much as a thought about it

the next day you’re up by 7 bc u want to get some food and coffee before class so you hit up a cafe on the way to the lecture hall and order your food and sit down at one of the tables to wait

you're running on about 4 hrs of sleep right now so you're not exactly at your prime and you're leaning on your arm while scrolling through your instagram when suddenly your hair is being ruffled and you hear “morning sleepyhead!”

you look up to see jin jin smiling his goofy smile and you’re like “okay firstly, never touch my hair ever again. secondly, why on earth are u up so early, u probably went to bed like … an hour ago”

so he’s like telling u about how he’s helping out around the studio during the morning radio show today and you guys start talking about his radio show and he finds out you listen and it makes him feel all warm and happy for some reason

and you guys start talking about music and you guys have pretty much the same taste and he slips in that he’s been working on some music with his roommate and a few friends and he just gets so excited talking about it

when he can tell that you’re genuinely interested and you ask him questions about their group (which he says is called astro) you can literally see his eyes lighting up and you’re losing track of time bc this is honestly one of the nicest conversations you've had in a long time with one of the nicest boys like, ever

but then u get a notification and see the time on your phone and it’s freaking 745!!!  ur already 15 min late to class and you're still like 10 min away from the hall so you grab your things and are like

“shoot im sorry i totally forgot about the time im late to my lecture”

and while you're cleaning up you just keep rambling about how you're screwed bc the class isn't recorded or anything and you don't know anyone you can get notes from and you had like 4 hours of sleep yesterday (which u remind him is his fault) and oh my goodness why is everything bad happening to you

and jin jins just sitting and sipping his coffee looking at you with most amused look on his face and you're still all flustered from being late and u go to throw ur trash away and

when ur back jin jin has ur book bag over his shoulder and his hands are in his pocket as if this is like a normal thing that u do everyday and ur just like ?? are u robbing me? give me my bag and hes like

“no, cmon i’m walking you to class”

and u don't have time to fight it and really you don't mind at all so you just head out the door toward your hall when u remember that he has to go to work and then u forget that you're totally late for class bc now you're worried for him being late for work and u try to grab ur bag from him and are like “o  my goSH JINWOO ur gonna be LATE for WORK”

but he completely ignores u and just keeps on walking and ur like ARE U LISTENING and he finally turns around and is just like

“i can afford to be a little late, they wont miss me. plus i’d much rather be with you”

and ofc be freaking winks at u and ur like oh my goodness that was cute but u just roll ur eyes and are like “okay fine, but don’t get used to walking me to places”

and u suddenly remember last nights events very clearly ending with u kissing him on the cheek and u get embarrassed

and it only gets worse when he's like “why? i thought i was pretty good at it, especially after the kiss you gave me for it last night. i was getting ready to transfer majors to physical education so i could work on my stamina and walk you to even further places. it was supposed to be our tradition, walking places. man it was gonna be good”

and ur annoyed bc you've never met someone so irritating yet likable. how does that even work? i dk, but park jinwoo does

when u guys get to ur lecture hall ur suddenly not in a rush at all to go inside bc as much as u hate to admit it to urself, you’d much rather hang out with jin jin

so now ur just standing face to face and he’s looking at you smiling his angelic smile and now its ur turn to contemplate what to do before you leave

and u just wrinkle ur nose before finally deciding to give him a quick peck on the cheek again and then ur just like “maybe that can be part of the tradition”

before he can say anything you've already grabbed ur bag and run into the hall and left him smiling like an idiot

when he gets to work he's still so happy and he’s in a good mood everyday but today it’s just like, intensified all his coworkers can tell he's happier than usual and they’re just like “had a good morning jin jin?” and he's like “GREAT MORNING”

meanwhile ur sitting in class like omg did i actually just do that? also why?

and then like 20 minutes later ur like okay i like park jinwoo

after you get out of class you head back to your dorm to work on some essays for a couple of hours and you see that it’s around the time that jin jin is hosting so you tune in

and after the song that’s playing ends you hear jin jin’s voice and he’s talking about his theory on how toy story and finding nemo are connected and all u can do is roll ur eyes and laugh

but then u hear him go “you should be out of class by now, so i hope you're listening. this next songs for you sleepyhead”  

u can hardly believe u just heard him say that and find u urself blushing & even more so when u realize the song that’s playing is pretty u by seventeen

right as you hear the last lines of the song “does she love me, does she love me not…” you get a text from jin jin

“pretty cool huh? i think that deserves a thank you”

to which you reply “you want me to thank you for passive aggressively dedicating songs to me?”

he eventually gets you to agree to let him take u out for dinner and you're so amazed with how comfortable you feel around him and how easily he makes u laugh

it’s just really perfect since u guys started officially dating

a lot of the songs being played during jin jins hours have suspiciously been love songs so much so that he started getting complaints and u had to force him to start playing other things

and as far as those parties that last till 3 am, lately jin jins been finding it a lot more appealing to just sit on the couch with you sharing a blanket and exchanging sleepy kisses as you listen to music

[lawlightfan42069]

why do you assume everything is for "the gays"? and why do you use titles like "the gays" or "the heteros"? people like you are the reason there is so much separation and hate in our society. i'm not saying "the heteros" (so i can use your language) aren't just as bad, but you do not contribute anything positive to this issue either.

first off everything is for the gays so jot that down. the trees? for the gays. that traffic light you drove past? gay property. the website myspace.com? you need gay authorization to enter.  the air in ur lungs right now? produced for the gays and for the gays only

but besides that dude like just fucking stop and consider for a second. Just One Single Second. what ur saying here. people like me, people on tumblr.com saying things like “haha  yeah croissants are for the gays” is what causes separation and hate in society. not the rampant anti-lgbtq discrimination, not the parents that kick their kids out for being gay, not the system of homophobia that forces gay people into the closet, not the places in the world where its literally illegal to be gay. not the centuries of historical precedent that Exist of gay people dealing with oppression. none of that no! its jokes on tumblr.com about stuff being for that gays thats the Real Hate and Oppression. 

“hte heteros” arent Just As Bad, theyre literally miles fucking worse. straight people have set up systems in society where its Literally Dangerous to be not straight. literally!! homophobia fucking exists dude and theres nothing comparable like “heterophobia” in the world. theres not a single country in the entire world where there has Ever been legislation against being straight, where it has Ever been dangerous to be straight. theres no history of straight people being oppressed. you literally cannot compare jokes on tumblr dot come to systems of oppression that harm people every single day. the idea that you can is so ridiculous i just dont have any fucking words for it. it genuinely baffles me how straight youve gotta be to log into tumblr, see gay people make jokes about things being gay, then decide that Theses Jokes Made By Oppressed People As Reactions To Their Oppression are the real harm. these jokes arent backed by societal power. me saying paper is for the gays is not magically going to play into a law where straight people are banned from writing on paper.  on the other hand, straight people saying “the gays can’t have this” isn’t just some funny joke because in the Real Actual World, gay people are barred from accessing things!! they are shunned from spaces!! “the gays can’t have this” isn’t just some absurd hypothetical but a reality.

you need to look into the concept of punching up versus punching down. when people don’t have privilege + power bc of their identites, them making jokes about ppl with privilege aren’t harmful on wide scale bc they don’t have the power to actual enact these things. its like if a rich person makes fun of a poor person vs a poor person making fun of the rich person. one person in this dynamic actually has power and is not being hurt by societal systems. its not comparable things. 

you cannot separate things from historical context. i, as a queer person, am existing in a world where i have had my sexuality demonized. i look and everywhere i see i am confronted with homophobia. in response i make jokes about it and /im/ the one creating hate? its like if someone punched a person in the face, and the person who was punched made a joke at their expense. are they the one causing hate? or is it the person who punched someone in the first place? why do we put the onus on people who are Affected By Oppression to never make jokes about their oppression, instead of on the oppressors who are causing it in the first place. we don’t exist as isolated points, free from societal context where our words don’t impact larger systems at play. 

while queer ppl can, of course, be queerphobic and perpetuate systems of homophobia, by and far the people who uphold homophobia are straight people. do you think lgbtq ppl looked at themselves and decided their identities were Bad like does that make any fucking sense. the idea that being gay is bad originated from straight people and its a notion taught to everyone, which is why lgbtq ppl can perpetuate bigoted ideas. when gay people make fun of The Heteros, theyre coming at it from having to deal with heteronormativity that harms their life. if a straight person was to do the same, what they do is play into a system of queerphobia that literally causes lgbtq people to be murdered. 

this is a whole fucking lot but honestly dude i dont even know what to say to you. do you really think that i, making jokes on tungle dot com, am in any way impacting peoples lives? do u think this is comparable to lgbtp ppl being Literally Being Murdered By Straight People For Being Gay? why the fuck am i not allowed to make jokes about stuff that harms me. these jokes arent for the benefit of straight ppl bc not everything us gays do is For Our Cause like goddamn we’re allowed to have intercommunity jokes amongst ourselves to be able 2 laugh !! why is this such a baffling thought. why do i have to cater every single moment of my life to making straight ppl feel comfortable. why am i not allowed to make jokes about my oppression. also literally all of society???? deems everything for straight ppl ??????? Literally heteronormative isnt just the default but its the Enforced Default. why do straight ppl who Actually Have The Power to force everything to be for the straights assume everything is for the straights. heteronormativity Exists and the idea that everything is straight is deeply embedded into our societies, and jokes about things being for The Gays™ don’t exist in some space that is separate from heteronormativity. these jokes are shaped by the society they come from. ignoring context and Why certain jokes are made/certain jokes are acceptable and the real-world influence they have literally leads u to the shallowest understanding. it leads u to equating things that have no business being equated, bc they are not being done in the same context. 

anyway i literally cant believe how straight ppl are so fucking threatened by someone saying “music belongs to the gays” as if the collective gay militia is gonna break into ur home and personally take ur headphones out of ur ears instead of recognizing it as A Joke and not comparing it institutional oppression that gets people murdered every day but Whatever. straight people are beyond parody

[samanthasroberts]

Are You The One Recap: Gio Olympics 2016—Everyone Is A Fucking Loser

Wooohoo, were back. Last week was a fresh and raging shitstorm and I gotta say, I was really looking forward to this week and holy shit did it not disappoint. Im sure cast members took a long, collective groan when they saw this episode and remembered that bitchy girl on the internet is going to destroy them the next day in the recap.

So lets give the people what they want, shall we?

They all are like, “FUCK WE SUCK AT THIS” after getting 4 beams, 4 weeks in a goddam row. Prosper suggests a good old fashioned orgy, because hes a thinker! They all just need to have sex morethats clearly what theyre missing.

PROSPER: There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought,

Gios like hey Prosper, thanks for having my back when I acted like a psycho on TV back there and Prosper is like Id really like to be excluded from this narrative.

Gios like I tried to fight Stephen because of principle and is like if I let one person do it, everyone will. Gio is like an anamorph with some of the shit he says. Everytime he says something that sounds so fucking stupid you want to shove your head into a blender, he morphs further and further into his final form: Donald Trump.

Julias like “I know I should be sad that everyone is fighting over me, but like, Im so happy.” Its not her fault shes so popular!! Meanwhile Stephen is like “LOVE ME PLEASE” and is crying in the confessional. Jesus Christits looking like a tequila kind of night.

Everyone is like they havent even kissed yet!!! which is low-key embarrassing. Its one thing to be pussy whipped when you are, shall we say, getting said pussy.

Julias like KISSING IS HUGEits more important than sex!! Well, one can lead to a child and the other cant, so lets just go with thats wrongthough there are a million Mormon mothers out there who agree with you. Seriously, I had a more intimate relationship in 6th grade.

MORMON MOMS EVERYWHERE: Honey you can only watch MTV if its to watch that nice girl with the overbite who is ABSTAINING. Now come on, get your helmet on and go sell the word of God!

Kaylen and John learn they have a lot in commonmostly just that they cant stand their parents. Thrilling stuff really. I like them both so I wouldnt be mad, just more confused. Yes, very confused.

THE GAME

YES, best part of the season: the dudes exes are here. The girls are so pumped and the guys are trying to find the tallest building to jump off.

The exes come out and they are disappointing to say the least. Def bottom tier sorority status. But hey, yall got a free trip to Maui so like, good job. Congrats on dating losers, I guess it worked out in the end.

Tylers like my ex threw a box of wine at my head, which is a little embarrassing for several reasons. First of all, you just admitted you’re poor. I havent drank boxed wine since I was 19 in a frat house (aka Morgans mothership). And for maximum damage, you should always throw a bottle. And this has been another episode of: teaching someone very obvious things!

The dudes pair with their exes and they get asked questionswhoever answers the most similarly gets a point. Propser doesnt have an ex because his longest relationship was three weeks LOLLLLL. He basically has to sit it out because he ghosts too much. Im weak.

Question 1: Does your ex still think youre a good catch?

Gios ex is like, . Hes immature and Kaylens like Hes also fucking crazy, dont forget that yall. John, Asaf, Stephen and Cam get it right. Moving on.

Question 2: In one word how did your ex describe your relationship?

Gio gets a match because he said crazy and she said ridiculous. At least Gio fucking knows hes crazy. Admitting is the first step.

Morgans ex said that hes really smart and he acts like a stupid frat boy and its like, LOL okay. Whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night, honey. Maybe if you keep telling yourself you didnt date TFMs poster boy, you might retain some self-respect. I get it.

Toris like WOW hes so deep! Underneath all that muscle and that abnormally square head, he has a heart! Fucking incredible.

Question 3: Does your ex think youre ready to settle down?

Everyone says no. Im sure your matches are PUMPED. Johns very excited about this*fist bumps everyone around him* *pounds beer and crushes it on his forehead* *screams FUCK YEAH MERICA!*

Question 4:What animal best describes your personality?

Tylers ex is literally here to ruin lives, Im low-key living for it.

RYAN: What animal is Tyler? EX: Dog shit RYAN: Thats not an animal EX: RYAN: EX: RYAN: Okay, dog shit it is.

Stephen keeps getting them wrong and Gio keeps getting them rightmostly because every answer has been something like crazy, psycho or horrible. Gios like know yourself, know your worth.

Its down to John, Gio and Cam and Stephen is praying that John/Cam win. Putting your faith in Cam is like waiting for rain in this droughtuseless and disappointing (name that movie, Sam.)

Last Question: Does your ex think you still have feelings for her?

Cam, of course answers it incorrectly, so its John and Gio. Its also, dare I say, fucking lit.

John picks Kaylen and Gio picks, of course, Julia. Talk about the most awkward double date ever. This has given me life.

Julia and Stephen are talking and Stephen is like freaking out about Gio and Julia. He def very worried that Gio may be right.

STEPHEN: That plan is crazy JULIA: I know STEPHEN: So crazy. It just might work

Gios like “I NEED TO MOVE FORWARD OTHERWISE IM GONNA RUIN EVERYTHING FOR ALL OF YOU FUCKERS.” Basically, Gio is a giant asshole. Case closed, bring in the dancing lobsters.

There is a lot of mixed opinions here. Some want to vote Julia/Gio in because itll end this shit, some dont want to waste a truth booth.

HALF THE HOUSE: Im voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus. THE OTHER HALF OF THE HOUSE: Im voting for Cady heron because shes the one that pushed her.

Prosper and Bagel are cuddling and laughing and let me tell you, I never saw this coming. Hes like youre sexy and Bagels like “I KNOW.” Our self-conscious little Bagel has grown into a confident young pastry *tear.

Tori and Morgan are in a room talking about repopulating the world and other totally relevant shit. Morgan is clearly hammered and is feeling on her ass, talking about her giant ass belly button.

Shes like I had to grow into my belly button and hes like “AH SO THATS WHY YOU GAINED WEIGHT.” YOOOOOOOO, that shit was loaded. Remember that big heart and big brain Morgan supposedly has? Best joke thats been told on this show.

He then is like NO NO THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT! and then is like I wish your ass was fatter. This whole conversation could honestly go down in history as the worst thing to ever exist. Wow, bravo to all involved.

THE WORLDS MOST UNCOMFORTABLE DATE AKA EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER WANTED

For the date, they are going wakeboarding, where Stephen hopes Gio accidently drowns, whoopsie. John gets up on the wake board and Kaylens like And yeah, she really does fucking suck.

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THOSE TWO!!! Gio keeps touching Julia and shes like kinda uncomfortable, kinda not stopping it, which is the story of Julias life.

Mind you, this girl believes kissing is like the ultimate commitment while Gios like, a sex addict.

CHAZZ MICHAEL MICHAELS/GIO: I’m a sex addict. It’s my cross to bear. It’s a real disease with doctors and medicine and everything!

Gios like if I leave here without you I have nothing! and its like, we get it, youre homeless. She says they only have a physical connection and hes like “I KNOW ISNT IT GREAT!?!”

GIO: *plays music* You and me baby aint nothing but mammals so lets do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

They argue the whole time and Gio is like YOURE MINE. Honestly, this dude needs to be put in a psych ward, not a homeless shelter. What are you gonna do, Gio? Fucking share a cot with Julia? Make her hold the sign while you panhandle?

TRUTH BOOTH

Gios like “When I won the challenge, it was amazing. Like fate, karma, the universe, anal sex. But now I feel jipped. What did he expect? They were gonna start fucking on the wakeboarding date?

Gio believes there is still a chance that Julia becomes so afraid for her safety she finally submits to himhes really holding out for that.

Obviously, Julia and Gio are voted to the truth booth. Stephen is like “THIS COULD CHANGE MY LIFE” and its like, nah probs not but ok.

John is pissed because, hes right, they fucking blew a truth booth on this bullshit. Its like, very clear that they are not a match and they just blew this whole thing.

Gios like the house is gonna feel stupid AF and Morgans like NO, youre gonna feel stupidwhen were like, right and stuff. ANYWAYS YOURE FAT!

While Gios planning his hostile takeover of Julias bed, shes like should I cut my wrist horizontally or vertically?

Im on edge and drinking excessively. This is low-key nerve wracking. But the results are in.

Hey Gio? Are you a 90s band that peaked with one song about cocaine? BECAUSE YOUR THIRD EYE IS BLIND, BITCH. NO MATCH FOR GIO AND JULIA, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS.

GIO, SADLY SINGING: I want somethin else *tear* to get me through this, semi-charmed kind of life, baby baby

And Julias like “there is someone out there for you, but that girl is NOT ME. FUCK YES!” Hes like in there crying and shes like checking her watch like, can we go now?

Stephen is crying too wtf is going on? Johns like consoling him and seriously, Ive seen less tears in my sorority house.

Julias like there, there Gio. Youve been through worse. Yeah honestly Gio, youve lived on the fucking streets. This is the least of your problems.

They come back and John is like and tells Gio that he needs to apologize to the group, Stephen and Julia. Honestly, Im a few tequila shots deep, because my life now consists of drinking alone and watching MTV reality shows, and Im all about John rn. Like is he really sexy or am I fucking hammered?

The conversation goes like: JOHN: Apologize GIO: no JOHN: please die

Julia thanks Stephen for being by her side and dealing with the fact she has never kissed him and he still tries to fight dudes twice his size. And finally they kiss. Aw, Julias first kiss! Babys first rave, babys first rave!

GIO, STILL CRYING AND SINGING: I wish you would step out from that ledge my friend.

The next day, Asaf and Franny are messing around and making out and hes like SHE VERY FUN, hehe. My mom and I discussed this whole thing in a riveting conversation below:

Morgan and the team get a meeting together and decide to do 100% new couples, except Asaf and Camille, because they are probs a match. This is a terrible idea. But Im here for it.

Stephen is like “THIS IS BULLSHIT! I want to pick Julia!” Im ready to put this whole relationship to bed, honestly.

MATCHUP CEREMONY

Ryan is wearing a fugly gray shirt that fades into plaid. Seriously that shit looks like the Sean John collection circa 11. Yikes.

Gio is up first and Ryan is like how did it feel to be wrong? Gios like Well sometimes the third eye has blurry vision, ya know? Who could say?

Gio kind of apologizes to Stephen, but not really.

GIO: I dont hate you because you’re fat; you’re fat because I hate you.

Gio picks Nicegirl Nicole, which is funny because she is the one who looks like she hates him the most half the time.

Prosper picks Franny and Ryans like OKAY, what the fuck are you people doing? Franny explains the strategy and Ryans like, Well arent you all just a bunch of loveable asswipes?

Stephen is up next. Hes like Waiting for that kiss was so worth it. Now hes just gotta wait for his balls to drop.

Ryans like “Are you going to pick Julia” and Morgans like bro Ill fucking haze the shit out of you bro if you fucking do thatFATASS! Of course, he goes against the grain and picks Julia. Ah, selfish men and criers, Julia has a type.

They start making out in front of everyone like Mormon moms everywhere are turning off their TVs, cursing that sinning whore Julia.

Tyler picks Bagel.

Cam picks Tori.

All the confirmed perfect matches at this point are like

Morgan picks Victoria.

Asaf says he thinks Franny is the one, which is very weird since a few weeks ago she was like his sister. Ryans like You mad youre not with her? and hes like STRATEGY, VERY NICE.

Asaf is like Acting like hes fucking jumping on a bomb instead of picking a girl to sit by for 3 minutes. John and Kaylen ARE last and they look miserable.

Kaylens like Gio I loved you and you fucking blew it and were wrong!!! Uh, you two arent a match either? Time to move the fuck on.

Of course, true to the martyr theme we got going here, hes like

RYAN:If you loved her you wouldnt have left her GIO: Honestly I feel so attacked right now

Suddenly Gio is saying that everything he did was for Kaylen. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

Like a speech from a riveting sports movie, Camille is like NO YOU FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT AND HELP US WIN THIS MONEY and everyone claps along. Like yeah Gio, lets go out there and win this fucking game! And Gios likehmmm, maybe some money and future prospects in life would be cool.

Were waiting for the beams and they arent coming. HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. This is not a thing rn. OH, but it isTHEY GET A BLACKOUT.

This means Stephen/Julia, John/Kaylen AND Camille/Asaf arent matches. I think all 10,000 people who watch this show are stunned into shock.

They just lost 250,000 dollars, as Victoria so eloquently screams. Looks like youll be drinking boxed wine forever, Tyler.

Wow, this shit. This shit practically wrote itself. How did Gios third eye not see this coming?

div.body_middle_part_right .bodypart:nth-child(n+2),a.prevBody{display:none;}

Source: http://allofbeer.com/are-you-the-one-recap-gio-olympics-2016-everyone-is-a-fucking-loser/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2019/01/22/are-you-the-one-recap-gio-olympics-2016-everyone-is-a-fucking-loser/

[unproduciblesmackdown]

honestly i was one of those people who Never Did Anything so hard that i could never be grounded. like yeah on occasion i would have SOMETHING coming up and even though it was super rare it still usually was used as a threat which is why i learned pretty fast to keep it a secret if i ever really cared about / was invested in something. plus, in my experience, having friends over wasnt even completely enjoyable and less and less so as time went on. like just a couple years ago my parents got me tickets to a show at the kennedy center to something i was like kind of vaguely interested in, partly as a joke but it was fine but the problem was there was two tickets and they were like you can take a friend with you and i was like ??? the only friends i have around here are one person and her sister who i met at work and im pretty sure youve never seen them. and it was before she invited me over to her graduation party so i wasnt even sure we were on the Invitation friend tier yet. so i took my brother who was also half-interested part-as-a-joke but still he was my only option anyway and we had an okay time. its just wild like, of course it doesnt surprise me that my parents had almost no clue about like anything about me because i had been 24/7 concealing anything that mattered from them for years (except for times when in highly strategic maneuvering i would give them a small glimpse of something that happened to be true) but its kind of weird that like they didnt ever seem to notice how much they had No Clue about anything about me. like, they noticed i never did anything b/c they sometimes tried to make me go out with her sisters and her friends, which i never did except to see fury road b/c i'd kind of wanted to do anyways and which was a stellar decision. but i guess they had some concept that i ever had friends i hung out with outside of school like, on what planet? smh. like for sure, im glad none of them was ever trying to find out anything about me and getting the least attention from them was the best case scenario, its just bizarre they had Any interest at all and yet that interest didnt translate into any awareness about how Completely Nothing they knew about me as a person. but then again! im fairly sure that they both had their own (totally inaccurate) concept of who i was, which couldve given them the idea that they knew stuff about me. like how my dad and i thought we were super similar, which was one of the most insulting things anyone else could say to me, but in his case it was just the usual kind of frustrating, totally non self-aware ignorant shit he said about everything. and my mom just thought whatever she wanted about whatever, all the time. and they both ignored it if i told them stuff that was actually true but was inconvenient / not what they wanted to hear or whatever. like when i had a job for five months that was so bad that from the very first week i thought about dying like literally on avg every minute and when the days were like usually 10+ hrs; they would ask me sometimes how the job was and i would say it was terrible and i hated it, and they would say something dismissive. like, then dont ask! but i was pretty far from caring about anything at that point and had started saying things like cutting in when my mom was getting on my brother about something, if only to disperse her focus on him, or informing my dad that this is why i hated them whenever he did something particularly draining. like, the wild thing is that when my mom was in a reasonable mood, she could be tolerable as a person. like the month before i left she was updating the webpage she had for her kindergarten class and i helped her pick out some halloween art for a banner and came up with some joke for text that cracked us both up. whereas my dad wasnt exactly abusive, he managed to be even worse as a person and in his personality to the point that i really eventually couldn't stand to see him or speak to him or be in the same room as him and not spit. one actual interest i did tell my mom about was owl city, because it was obvious since i had like eight owl city shirts and it was strategic because me and my brother were planning to go to one of his shows and it was harmless because it just involved me listening to music and b/c my mom couldn't possibly object to it even if she had a lot better idea of what it was than she did. but she didn't exactly pay a lot of attention even to the Real Stuff so...she at least never seemed to bother with investigating or stuff like that. i think she had a vague notion of the existence of marble hornets even if she knew zero stuff about it including the name or what it was, but she was probably worried it was like a cult or whatever what with my TO symbol shirt. but im telling you like, even when me and the sibs had a tv show we'd watch together she wouldnt like make a mental note of it or anything. like we'd say "hey can we have the tv tonight at 9" or whatever and she'd be like ok and then at 9 she'd still be watching something and we wouldnt bother saying anything. or if she saw us watching something she'd like see 10 seconds from the next room over and insult it in a way she acted like was like light and fun or something b/c she never seemed to realize when what she seemed to think was teasing / casual joking was actually really pointed and meanspirited. we had a great family who was friends with ours and im pretty sure they stopped hanging out with us and inviting us over b/c my mom didnt get the distinction between unnecessary insults and lighthearted jest. couldve told her so if she could ever been told anything. its too bad i didnt go for any parting shots in my final months there like confirming the horrors of not being cishet or whatever, but that was still probably sort of dangerous, but it would be funny if they knew none of their kids is straight. oh well. plus, i hate them but they should get divorced. it would lessen the impact of their awfulness on the world and each other and thats the only thing thats technically "good" that they deserve. even if they both think its bad since theyre somehow both like catholic but hopefully someday they realize that no matter how "bad" they think divorce is, their marriage is even worse. or maybe they'll stick it out for the sake of having been together so long in such a bad marriage already, and the sake of not having to deal with such a total life change, who knows. tfw: the 'rents suck as hell

[griffitth]

outgoing messages

i cant fucking do this i cant fucking do this im so annoying and loud and ugly and stupid i shouldve never been born this is so bad i cant calm down i cant fucking do anything its so fucking awful i cant even do anything everyone already hates me im so ugly this is the worst fuckig thing i knewit would happen no i cant calm down no i just want to die i know youre pissed at me now bc im so fucking annoying god i hate myself im literally an abomination i dont know how anyone can stand to look at me or hear me talk orbe around me dude i just want to die no im in my room i literally dont fucking care i just want to cry wow that really fucked me up im sorry for like. existing and suh im beyond upset this is like. the worst ahhhhhhhhh i dont knowhow to make it better theres a lot but i cant deal with this im not even going to try i cant believe how ugly i am Everything was fine im sorry im fucking awful i know im annoying and you dont want to talk to me or deal with me i dotn even care yeah im so over it birthdays are shit ive got nothing to celebrate im literally worthless and stupid i just. remembered i have nothing to celebrate i accomplished nothing this year wow. why am i still alive i dont even want to kill myself its just absolutely astounding how i havent yet everything everyones ever said to me is a lie i think wow. what a way to end the day im sorry im just gonna go thanks i know everyone thinks im ugly i know everyone thinks im fat too. thats fine because i actually like my body but when youve got an ugly smile and an ugly personality it just ruins it everyone thinks that its literally my biggest insecurity and im so embarrassed that i cant tell anyone because its so disgusting just the way people treat me. everyone treats me like im stupid and i need shit pointed out and explained to me because im poor. because i have bad teeth and a fat face. because my deadbeat dad doesnt pay child support so were broke and cant fucking do anything about it i cant do anything!!!! everyone judges me for things that are out of my control!!!! everytime someone comes over to my house i can FEEL them uncomfortable because “holy shit? is this all one room? bitch you live like this?” i cant do anything about it ill never amount to anything in life because i dont have money for school and im too damn stupid for a scholarship everyone looks down on me everyone hates me and i cant do anything about it i had bulimia when i was a kid because it was the only thing i could fucking control i dont have any control in my life i do all this destructive shit and go out with men twice my age at four in the morning because i fucking can god im literally the worst scum on earth yeah its hard to have control when youve lived in an abusive household all your life its hard to have control when youre scared to go out with friends because youll get home too late and get yelled at its hard to have control when you have to watch your every fucking move or else someone will snap and slam your head into the wall oh boy im so sorry yeah im sorry im fucking telling you this i know nobody wants to hear my pathetic sob stories its honestly a WONDER how i made it to sixteen years old i really shouldve never been born and i hate to bring this up because i know how much you hate it when i do but the only reason i believe in God and some superior life is because its my biggest coping mechanism so i truly and completely believe that god brought me into this world as some sick fucking joke and hes just seeing how much shit i can put up with before i off myself because how many kids have had to put up with so much shit i know theres kids who have it worse god i know it but why me why have i had an abusive dad and a pedophile uncle and a rapist best friend and some random molester??? at a fucking party??? AT AN ANIME CONVENTION???? THATS SO FUCKING OBSURD TO ME STILL i drool over men and the idea of big strong guys and honestly? thats such a fucking joke its HYSTERICAL. men over 6feet TERRIFY. ME. TO DEATH. because adult men are the scariest thing in the world. i cant take elevators i cant walk outside past dark without pretending im talking or texting on the phone no joke. men are the scariest thing on earth. i dont think i will ever be able to talk to one without breaking into a sweat and oh my god. OH MY GOD. THE FUNNIEST SHIT EVER. so u know mink from dmmd? yeah that guy. its so fucking funny and ive never told ANYONE this before and youre going to ROLL YOUR EYES SO HARD its. HYSTERICAL. wow. so hes a rapist. a real bad guy. absolutely awful. and i fucking hated him when i was 12 i cried SO HARD IT WAS SO BAD LMAOOO but then in the second game he apologizes and is actually a genuine nice guy and its so… absurd. its absolutely crazy to think that would happen. and i like him so much because of that idea that all bad people arent… bad people? but thats the worst thing about me. i cant fucking stay mad at someone my dad? i miss him to death and i fantasize about sitting down and getting a coffee with him. and just telling him about all ive been through thats like. whats been keeping me alive to be honest. when im older and better than him im going to talk to him and tell him how much hell he made my life and how much happier i am without him and how much i abhor him and hes going to be so fucking sad like “ohhh im so sorry please forgive me my daughter i didnt mean it,,,” like thats just how he is. and i wont even look at him because i hate him so fucking much god he is the ugliest and meanest and most horrible scum on this earth i value his life less than i value the dirt on my shoes thats a fact if i could go back in time and stop him from meeting angie and stop him from fucking up her life and them ruining mine? i would go back and time and kill him oh that would be so good everyone would be so much happier when i was first taken away from him i hated angie for taking me away and then when all the therapists told me that what he was doing wasnt right i hated angie for letting him take me away and oh my god speaking of therapists you wont believe how many times i had to tell the same fucking stories. they are relentless. they made me cry and they didnt fucking care they wouldnt let me use little kid words i HAD to say penis “for clarification” and it made me feel awful. because that was like…… such a fucking dirty word and i felt so dirty so fuck all those guys big shout out to them for not caring about me at all and unrelated to 8 year old me. whenever cai says something about how he hates mark i literally want to strangle him all cai knows about mark is that he left angie to be a single mother and thats it. Thats all mark has ever done to him. not that that ISNT bad because trust me mark was awful to angie. he forced sex on her and got her pregnant not once but TWICE but i feel confident in saying nobody hates mark more than i do IT HAS BEEN 8 YEARS i am now TWICE the age i was when i left and it still affects me so fucking clearly and god ihate him for fucking up my memory and the only things i can remember are the WORST things that happen i remember such random things too like that zombie game and like how i found a knife on the floor and thought “i dont think thats safe” and like how his house was so fucking disgusting just taking two steps after a shower made my feet soot black and there were cockroaches. everywhere. they were better company than him… lol and he was in the military and was really proud of it. he did a lot of tech stuff too and one time i helped him build a computer literally all i did was put the motherboard in but he made me feel so special and smart for doing it lol AND i remember eating chicken pot pies. a LOT. and it was really impressive to me how he would carve designs and drawings into the frozen pie before he cooked it and they would come outso nice but that was literally all i fucking ate i cant remember eating anything else. i seriously cant. and the only reason i remember being 8 when i was finally able to leave is because his friend lesley, who had a tattoo on his chest that said “LES” in big cursive font came over and mark was. with lesley over. and i remember thinking “this is new. it must be because im 8 years old now.” LESLEY WAS COOL i remember him asking me when i was 6 years old “have you seen sex in the city?” and i thought he said “six in the city” because i was six. it was funny and one time for my birthday. i cant remember when. but i got a LOT of money and spent it all on claw machines and candy because that was a simple time and im pretty sure that is absolutely everything good i remember about my childhood i cant remember a single other good memory. thats it. thats all ive fuckin god got OH YEAH. im just about done here but something that still pisses me off we recently (like last year) got marks medical records and he was (is i guess. lol) a schizophrenic. and i inherited some of that from him and a little over a year ago cai said to me “you got your disorder from him youre going to be just like him” and that sticks in my head to this day….. how nice ok im done im so drained sorry about that i havent overshared in so long god i fucking hate myself when i graduate highschool im going to disappear and not tell anyone about my past or anything so everyone just thinks im normal. and thats it. but for now it keeps coming up and its really fucking awkward when highschoolers play games like truth or dare or never have i ever because ive done it all. Most of it. and i dont know what to say when people are like “Oh you get around???? wink wink” and im like Aahhaa yeah! my dad was pretty wild. SORRY THAT WAS. GROSS TO SAY BUT ITS TRUE!!! IT COMES IN MY HEAD ALL THE TIME!!! i seem really fucking confident with sex and talking about it but when people ask me about it i just fucking blank. how am i supposed to tell people that the only experience ive had is my dad, this asshole, and some randos who i cant even think about without feeling nauseous i dont give zayne credit where its due. he fucked me up so much. i was fine with boys until he came and i trusted him and we were best friends and he gave me 98% of the trust issues i have today god i wm soooooo sorry Happy Birthday To Me yeah im sorry for being disgusting and awful idk how people can lookat me without just vomiting on the spot idk how people can know what ive been through and still want to be around me

[adambstingus]

Are You The One Recap: Gio Olympics 2016—Everyone Is A Fucking Loser

Wooohoo, were back. Last week was a fresh and raging shitstorm and I gotta say, I was really looking forward to this week and holy shit did it not disappoint. Im sure cast members took a long, collective groan when they saw this episode and remembered that bitchy girl on the internet is going to destroy them the next day in the recap.

So lets give the people what they want, shall we?

They all are like, “FUCK WE SUCK AT THIS” after getting 4 beams, 4 weeks in a goddam row. Prosper suggests a good old fashioned orgy, because hes a thinker! They all just need to have sex morethats clearly what theyre missing.

PROSPER: There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought,

Gios like hey Prosper, thanks for having my back when I acted like a psycho on TV back there and Prosper is like Id really like to be excluded from this narrative.

Gios like I tried to fight Stephen because of principle and is like if I let one person do it, everyone will. Gio is like an anamorph with some of the shit he says. Everytime he says something that sounds so fucking stupid you want to shove your head into a blender, he morphs further and further into his final form: Donald Trump.

Julias like “I know I should be sad that everyone is fighting over me, but like, Im so happy.” Its not her fault shes so popular!! Meanwhile Stephen is like “LOVE ME PLEASE” and is crying in the confessional. Jesus Christits looking like a tequila kind of night.

Everyone is like they havent even kissed yet!!! which is low-key embarrassing. Its one thing to be pussy whipped when you are, shall we say, getting said pussy.

Julias like KISSING IS HUGEits more important than sex!! Well, one can lead to a child and the other cant, so lets just go with thats wrongthough there are a million Mormon mothers out there who agree with you. Seriously, I had a more intimate relationship in 6th grade.

MORMON MOMS EVERYWHERE: Honey you can only watch MTV if its to watch that nice girl with the overbite who is ABSTAINING. Now come on, get your helmet on and go sell the word of God!

Kaylen and John learn they have a lot in commonmostly just that they cant stand their parents. Thrilling stuff really. I like them both so I wouldnt be mad, just more confused. Yes, very confused.

THE GAME

YES, best part of the season: the dudes exes are here. The girls are so pumped and the guys are trying to find the tallest building to jump off.

The exes come out and they are disappointing to say the least. Def bottom tier sorority status. But hey, yall got a free trip to Maui so like, good job. Congrats on dating losers, I guess it worked out in the end.

Tylers like my ex threw a box of wine at my head, which is a little embarrassing for several reasons. First of all, you just admitted you’re poor. I havent drank boxed wine since I was 19 in a frat house (aka Morgans mothership). And for maximum damage, you should always throw a bottle. And this has been another episode of: teaching someone very obvious things!

The dudes pair with their exes and they get asked questionswhoever answers the most similarly gets a point. Propser doesnt have an ex because his longest relationship was three weeks LOLLLLL. He basically has to sit it out because he ghosts too much. Im weak.

Question 1: Does your ex still think youre a good catch?

Gios ex is like, . Hes immature and Kaylens like Hes also fucking crazy, dont forget that yall. John, Asaf, Stephen and Cam get it right. Moving on.

Question 2: In one word how did your ex describe your relationship?

Gio gets a match because he said crazy and she said ridiculous. At least Gio fucking knows hes crazy. Admitting is the first step.

Morgans ex said that hes really smart and he acts like a stupid frat boy and its like, LOL okay. Whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night, honey. Maybe if you keep telling yourself you didnt date TFMs poster boy, you might retain some self-respect. I get it.

Toris like WOW hes so deep! Underneath all that muscle and that abnormally square head, he has a heart! Fucking incredible.

Question 3: Does your ex think youre ready to settle down?

Everyone says no. Im sure your matches are PUMPED. Johns very excited about this*fist bumps everyone around him* *pounds beer and crushes it on his forehead* *screams FUCK YEAH MERICA!*

Question 4:What animal best describes your personality?

Tylers ex is literally here to ruin lives, Im low-key living for it.

RYAN: What animal is Tyler? EX: Dog shit RYAN: Thats not an animal EX: RYAN: EX: RYAN: Okay, dog shit it is.

Stephen keeps getting them wrong and Gio keeps getting them rightmostly because every answer has been something like crazy, psycho or horrible. Gios like know yourself, know your worth.

Its down to John, Gio and Cam and Stephen is praying that John/Cam win. Putting your faith in Cam is like waiting for rain in this droughtuseless and disappointing (name that movie, Sam.)

Last Question: Does your ex think you still have feelings for her?

Cam, of course answers it incorrectly, so its John and Gio. Its also, dare I say, fucking lit.

John picks Kaylen and Gio picks, of course, Julia. Talk about the most awkward double date ever. This has given me life.

Julia and Stephen are talking and Stephen is like freaking out about Gio and Julia. He def very worried that Gio may be right.

STEPHEN: That plan is crazy JULIA: I know STEPHEN: So crazy. It just might work

Gios like “I NEED TO MOVE FORWARD OTHERWISE IM GONNA RUIN EVERYTHING FOR ALL OF YOU FUCKERS.” Basically, Gio is a giant asshole. Case closed, bring in the dancing lobsters.

There is a lot of mixed opinions here. Some want to vote Julia/Gio in because itll end this shit, some dont want to waste a truth booth.

HALF THE HOUSE: Im voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus. THE OTHER HALF OF THE HOUSE: Im voting for Cady heron because shes the one that pushed her.

Prosper and Bagel are cuddling and laughing and let me tell you, I never saw this coming. Hes like youre sexy and Bagels like “I KNOW.” Our self-conscious little Bagel has grown into a confident young pastry *tear.

Tori and Morgan are in a room talking about repopulating the world and other totally relevant shit. Morgan is clearly hammered and is feeling on her ass, talking about her giant ass belly button.

Shes like I had to grow into my belly button and hes like “AH SO THATS WHY YOU GAINED WEIGHT.” YOOOOOOOO, that shit was loaded. Remember that big heart and big brain Morgan supposedly has? Best joke thats been told on this show.

He then is like NO NO THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT! and then is like I wish your ass was fatter. This whole conversation could honestly go down in history as the worst thing to ever exist. Wow, bravo to all involved.

THE WORLDS MOST UNCOMFORTABLE DATE AKA EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER WANTED

For the date, they are going wakeboarding, where Stephen hopes Gio accidently drowns, whoopsie. John gets up on the wake board and Kaylens like And yeah, she really does fucking suck.

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THOSE TWO!!! Gio keeps touching Julia and shes like kinda uncomfortable, kinda not stopping it, which is the story of Julias life.

Mind you, this girl believes kissing is like the ultimate commitment while Gios like, a sex addict.

CHAZZ MICHAEL MICHAELS/GIO: I’m a sex addict. It’s my cross to bear. It’s a real disease with doctors and medicine and everything!

Gios like if I leave here without you I have nothing! and its like, we get it, youre homeless. She says they only have a physical connection and hes like “I KNOW ISNT IT GREAT!?!”

GIO: *plays music* You and me baby aint nothing but mammals so lets do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

They argue the whole time and Gio is like YOURE MINE. Honestly, this dude needs to be put in a psych ward, not a homeless shelter. What are you gonna do, Gio? Fucking share a cot with Julia? Make her hold the sign while you panhandle?

TRUTH BOOTH

Gios like “When I won the challenge, it was amazing. Like fate, karma, the universe, anal sex. But now I feel jipped. What did he expect? They were gonna start fucking on the wakeboarding date?

Gio believes there is still a chance that Julia becomes so afraid for her safety she finally submits to himhes really holding out for that.

Obviously, Julia and Gio are voted to the truth booth. Stephen is like “THIS COULD CHANGE MY LIFE” and its like, nah probs not but ok.

John is pissed because, hes right, they fucking blew a truth booth on this bullshit. Its like, very clear that they are not a match and they just blew this whole thing.

Gios like the house is gonna feel stupid AF and Morgans like NO, youre gonna feel stupidwhen were like, right and stuff. ANYWAYS YOURE FAT!

While Gios planning his hostile takeover of Julias bed, shes like should I cut my wrist horizontally or vertically?

Im on edge and drinking excessively. This is low-key nerve wracking. But the results are in.

Hey Gio? Are you a 90s band that peaked with one song about cocaine? BECAUSE YOUR THIRD EYE IS BLIND, BITCH. NO MATCH FOR GIO AND JULIA, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS.

GIO, SADLY SINGING: I want somethin else *tear* to get me through this, semi-charmed kind of life, baby baby

And Julias like “there is someone out there for you, but that girl is NOT ME. FUCK YES!” Hes like in there crying and shes like checking her watch like, can we go now?

Stephen is crying too wtf is going on? Johns like consoling him and seriously, Ive seen less tears in my sorority house.

Julias like there, there Gio. Youve been through worse. Yeah honestly Gio, youve lived on the fucking streets. This is the least of your problems.

They come back and John is like and tells Gio that he needs to apologize to the group, Stephen and Julia. Honestly, Im a few tequila shots deep, because my life now consists of drinking alone and watching MTV reality shows, and Im all about John rn. Like is he really sexy or am I fucking hammered?

The conversation goes like: JOHN: Apologize GIO: no JOHN: please die

Julia thanks Stephen for being by her side and dealing with the fact she has never kissed him and he still tries to fight dudes twice his size. And finally they kiss. Aw, Julias first kiss! Babys first rave, babys first rave!

GIO, STILL CRYING AND SINGING: I wish you would step out from that ledge my friend.

The next day, Asaf and Franny are messing around and making out and hes like SHE VERY FUN, hehe. My mom and I discussed this whole thing in a riveting conversation below:

Morgan and the team get a meeting together and decide to do 100% new couples, except Asaf and Camille, because they are probs a match. This is a terrible idea. But Im here for it.

Stephen is like “THIS IS BULLSHIT! I want to pick Julia!” Im ready to put this whole relationship to bed, honestly.

MATCHUP CEREMONY

Ryan is wearing a fugly gray shirt that fades into plaid. Seriously that shit looks like the Sean John collection circa 11. Yikes.

Gio is up first and Ryan is like how did it feel to be wrong? Gios like Well sometimes the third eye has blurry vision, ya know? Who could say?

Gio kind of apologizes to Stephen, but not really.

GIO: I dont hate you because you’re fat; you’re fat because I hate you.

Gio picks Nicegirl Nicole, which is funny because she is the one who looks like she hates him the most half the time.

Prosper picks Franny and Ryans like OKAY, what the fuck are you people doing? Franny explains the strategy and Ryans like, Well arent you all just a bunch of loveable asswipes?

Stephen is up next. Hes like Waiting for that kiss was so worth it. Now hes just gotta wait for his balls to drop.

Ryans like “Are you going to pick Julia” and Morgans like bro Ill fucking haze the shit out of you bro if you fucking do thatFATASS! Of course, he goes against the grain and picks Julia. Ah, selfish men and criers, Julia has a type.

They start making out in front of everyone like Mormon moms everywhere are turning off their TVs, cursing that sinning whore Julia.

Tyler picks Bagel.

Cam picks Tori.

All the confirmed perfect matches at this point are like

Morgan picks Victoria.

Asaf says he thinks Franny is the one, which is very weird since a few weeks ago she was like his sister. Ryans like You mad youre not with her? and hes like STRATEGY, VERY NICE.

Asaf is like Acting like hes fucking jumping on a bomb instead of picking a girl to sit by for 3 minutes. John and Kaylen ARE last and they look miserable.

Kaylens like Gio I loved you and you fucking blew it and were wrong!!! Uh, you two arent a match either? Time to move the fuck on.

Of course, true to the martyr theme we got going here, hes like

RYAN:If you loved her you wouldnt have left her GIO: Honestly I feel so attacked right now

Suddenly Gio is saying that everything he did was for Kaylen. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

Like a speech from a riveting sports movie, Camille is like NO YOU FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT AND HELP US WIN THIS MONEY and everyone claps along. Like yeah Gio, lets go out there and win this fucking game! And Gios likehmmm, maybe some money and future prospects in life would be cool.

Were waiting for the beams and they arent coming. HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. This is not a thing rn. OH, but it isTHEY GET A BLACKOUT.

This means Stephen/Julia, John/Kaylen AND Camille/Asaf arent matches. I think all 10,000 people who watch this show are stunned into shock.

They just lost 250,000 dollars, as Victoria so eloquently screams. Looks like youll be drinking boxed wine forever, Tyler.

Wow, this shit. This shit practically wrote itself. How did Gios third eye not see this coming?

div.body_middle_part_right .bodypart:nth-child(n+2),a.prevBody{display:none;}

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/are-you-the-one-recap-gio-olympics-2016-everyone-is-a-fucking-loser/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/182227933232

[allofbeercom]

Are You The One Recap: Gio Olympics 2016—Everyone Is A Fucking Loser

Wooohoo, were back. Last week was a fresh and raging shitstorm and I gotta say, I was really looking forward to this week and holy shit did it not disappoint. Im sure cast members took a long, collective groan when they saw this episode and remembered that bitchy girl on the internet is going to destroy them the next day in the recap.

So lets give the people what they want, shall we?

They all are like, “FUCK WE SUCK AT THIS” after getting 4 beams, 4 weeks in a goddam row. Prosper suggests a good old fashioned orgy, because hes a thinker! They all just need to have sex morethats clearly what theyre missing.

PROSPER: There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought,

Gios like hey Prosper, thanks for having my back when I acted like a psycho on TV back there and Prosper is like Id really like to be excluded from this narrative.

Gios like I tried to fight Stephen because of principle and is like if I let one person do it, everyone will. Gio is like an anamorph with some of the shit he says. Everytime he says something that sounds so fucking stupid you want to shove your head into a blender, he morphs further and further into his final form: Donald Trump.

Julias like “I know I should be sad that everyone is fighting over me, but like, Im so happy.” Its not her fault shes so popular!! Meanwhile Stephen is like “LOVE ME PLEASE” and is crying in the confessional. Jesus Christits looking like a tequila kind of night.

Everyone is like they havent even kissed yet!!! which is low-key embarrassing. Its one thing to be pussy whipped when you are, shall we say, getting said pussy.

Julias like KISSING IS HUGEits more important than sex!! Well, one can lead to a child and the other cant, so lets just go with thats wrongthough there are a million Mormon mothers out there who agree with you. Seriously, I had a more intimate relationship in 6th grade.

MORMON MOMS EVERYWHERE: Honey you can only watch MTV if its to watch that nice girl with the overbite who is ABSTAINING. Now come on, get your helmet on and go sell the word of God!

Kaylen and John learn they have a lot in commonmostly just that they cant stand their parents. Thrilling stuff really. I like them both so I wouldnt be mad, just more confused. Yes, very confused.

THE GAME

YES, best part of the season: the dudes exes are here. The girls are so pumped and the guys are trying to find the tallest building to jump off.

The exes come out and they are disappointing to say the least. Def bottom tier sorority status. But hey, yall got a free trip to Maui so like, good job. Congrats on dating losers, I guess it worked out in the end.

Tylers like my ex threw a box of wine at my head, which is a little embarrassing for several reasons. First of all, you just admitted you’re poor. I havent drank boxed wine since I was 19 in a frat house (aka Morgans mothership). And for maximum damage, you should always throw a bottle. And this has been another episode of: teaching someone very obvious things!

The dudes pair with their exes and they get asked questionswhoever answers the most similarly gets a point. Propser doesnt have an ex because his longest relationship was three weeks LOLLLLL. He basically has to sit it out because he ghosts too much. Im weak.

Question 1: Does your ex still think youre a good catch?

Gios ex is like, . Hes immature and Kaylens like Hes also fucking crazy, dont forget that yall. John, Asaf, Stephen and Cam get it right. Moving on.

Question 2: In one word how did your ex describe your relationship?

Gio gets a match because he said crazy and she said ridiculous. At least Gio fucking knows hes crazy. Admitting is the first step.

Morgans ex said that hes really smart and he acts like a stupid frat boy and its like, LOL okay. Whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night, honey. Maybe if you keep telling yourself you didnt date TFMs poster boy, you might retain some self-respect. I get it.

Toris like WOW hes so deep! Underneath all that muscle and that abnormally square head, he has a heart! Fucking incredible.

Question 3: Does your ex think youre ready to settle down?

Everyone says no. Im sure your matches are PUMPED. Johns very excited about this*fist bumps everyone around him* *pounds beer and crushes it on his forehead* *screams FUCK YEAH MERICA!*

Question 4:What animal best describes your personality?

Tylers ex is literally here to ruin lives, Im low-key living for it.

RYAN: What animal is Tyler? EX: Dog shit RYAN: Thats not an animal EX: RYAN: EX: RYAN: Okay, dog shit it is.

Stephen keeps getting them wrong and Gio keeps getting them rightmostly because every answer has been something like crazy, psycho or horrible. Gios like know yourself, know your worth.

Its down to John, Gio and Cam and Stephen is praying that John/Cam win. Putting your faith in Cam is like waiting for rain in this droughtuseless and disappointing (name that movie, Sam.)

Last Question: Does your ex think you still have feelings for her?

Cam, of course answers it incorrectly, so its John and Gio. Its also, dare I say, fucking lit.

John picks Kaylen and Gio picks, of course, Julia. Talk about the most awkward double date ever. This has given me life.

Julia and Stephen are talking and Stephen is like freaking out about Gio and Julia. He def very worried that Gio may be right.

STEPHEN: That plan is crazy JULIA: I know STEPHEN: So crazy. It just might work

Gios like “I NEED TO MOVE FORWARD OTHERWISE IM GONNA RUIN EVERYTHING FOR ALL OF YOU FUCKERS.” Basically, Gio is a giant asshole. Case closed, bring in the dancing lobsters.

There is a lot of mixed opinions here. Some want to vote Julia/Gio in because itll end this shit, some dont want to waste a truth booth.

HALF THE HOUSE: Im voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus. THE OTHER HALF OF THE HOUSE: Im voting for Cady heron because shes the one that pushed her.

Prosper and Bagel are cuddling and laughing and let me tell you, I never saw this coming. Hes like youre sexy and Bagels like “I KNOW.” Our self-conscious little Bagel has grown into a confident young pastry *tear.

Tori and Morgan are in a room talking about repopulating the world and other totally relevant shit. Morgan is clearly hammered and is feeling on her ass, talking about her giant ass belly button.

Shes like I had to grow into my belly button and hes like “AH SO THATS WHY YOU GAINED WEIGHT.” YOOOOOOOO, that shit was loaded. Remember that big heart and big brain Morgan supposedly has? Best joke thats been told on this show.

He then is like NO NO THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT! and then is like I wish your ass was fatter. This whole conversation could honestly go down in history as the worst thing to ever exist. Wow, bravo to all involved.

THE WORLDS MOST UNCOMFORTABLE DATE AKA EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER WANTED

For the date, they are going wakeboarding, where Stephen hopes Gio accidently drowns, whoopsie. John gets up on the wake board and Kaylens like And yeah, she really does fucking suck.

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THOSE TWO!!! Gio keeps touching Julia and shes like kinda uncomfortable, kinda not stopping it, which is the story of Julias life.

Mind you, this girl believes kissing is like the ultimate commitment while Gios like, a sex addict.

CHAZZ MICHAEL MICHAELS/GIO: I’m a sex addict. It’s my cross to bear. It’s a real disease with doctors and medicine and everything!

Gios like if I leave here without you I have nothing! and its like, we get it, youre homeless. She says they only have a physical connection and hes like “I KNOW ISNT IT GREAT!?!”

GIO: *plays music* You and me baby aint nothing but mammals so lets do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

They argue the whole time and Gio is like YOURE MINE. Honestly, this dude needs to be put in a psych ward, not a homeless shelter. What are you gonna do, Gio? Fucking share a cot with Julia? Make her hold the sign while you panhandle?

TRUTH BOOTH

Gios like “When I won the challenge, it was amazing. Like fate, karma, the universe, anal sex. But now I feel jipped. What did he expect? They were gonna start fucking on the wakeboarding date?

Gio believes there is still a chance that Julia becomes so afraid for her safety she finally submits to himhes really holding out for that.

Obviously, Julia and Gio are voted to the truth booth. Stephen is like “THIS COULD CHANGE MY LIFE” and its like, nah probs not but ok.

John is pissed because, hes right, they fucking blew a truth booth on this bullshit. Its like, very clear that they are not a match and they just blew this whole thing.

Gios like the house is gonna feel stupid AF and Morgans like NO, youre gonna feel stupidwhen were like, right and stuff. ANYWAYS YOURE FAT!

While Gios planning his hostile takeover of Julias bed, shes like should I cut my wrist horizontally or vertically?

Im on edge and drinking excessively. This is low-key nerve wracking. But the results are in.

Hey Gio? Are you a 90s band that peaked with one song about cocaine? BECAUSE YOUR THIRD EYE IS BLIND, BITCH. NO MATCH FOR GIO AND JULIA, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS.

GIO, SADLY SINGING: I want somethin else *tear* to get me through this, semi-charmed kind of life, baby baby

And Julias like “there is someone out there for you, but that girl is NOT ME. FUCK YES!” Hes like in there crying and shes like checking her watch like, can we go now?

Stephen is crying too wtf is going on? Johns like consoling him and seriously, Ive seen less tears in my sorority house.

Julias like there, there Gio. Youve been through worse. Yeah honestly Gio, youve lived on the fucking streets. This is the least of your problems.

They come back and John is like and tells Gio that he needs to apologize to the group, Stephen and Julia. Honestly, Im a few tequila shots deep, because my life now consists of drinking alone and watching MTV reality shows, and Im all about John rn. Like is he really sexy or am I fucking hammered?

The conversation goes like: JOHN: Apologize GIO: no JOHN: please die

Julia thanks Stephen for being by her side and dealing with the fact she has never kissed him and he still tries to fight dudes twice his size. And finally they kiss. Aw, Julias first kiss! Babys first rave, babys first rave!

GIO, STILL CRYING AND SINGING: I wish you would step out from that ledge my friend.

The next day, Asaf and Franny are messing around and making out and hes like SHE VERY FUN, hehe. My mom and I discussed this whole thing in a riveting conversation below:

Morgan and the team get a meeting together and decide to do 100% new couples, except Asaf and Camille, because they are probs a match. This is a terrible idea. But Im here for it.

Stephen is like “THIS IS BULLSHIT! I want to pick Julia!” Im ready to put this whole relationship to bed, honestly.

MATCHUP CEREMONY

Ryan is wearing a fugly gray shirt that fades into plaid. Seriously that shit looks like the Sean John collection circa 11. Yikes.

Gio is up first and Ryan is like how did it feel to be wrong? Gios like Well sometimes the third eye has blurry vision, ya know? Who could say?

Gio kind of apologizes to Stephen, but not really.

GIO: I dont hate you because you’re fat; you’re fat because I hate you.

Gio picks Nicegirl Nicole, which is funny because she is the one who looks like she hates him the most half the time.

Prosper picks Franny and Ryans like OKAY, what the fuck are you people doing? Franny explains the strategy and Ryans like, Well arent you all just a bunch of loveable asswipes?

Stephen is up next. Hes like Waiting for that kiss was so worth it. Now hes just gotta wait for his balls to drop.

Ryans like “Are you going to pick Julia” and Morgans like bro Ill fucking haze the shit out of you bro if you fucking do thatFATASS! Of course, he goes against the grain and picks Julia. Ah, selfish men and criers, Julia has a type.

They start making out in front of everyone like Mormon moms everywhere are turning off their TVs, cursing that sinning whore Julia.

Tyler picks Bagel.

Cam picks Tori.

All the confirmed perfect matches at this point are like

Morgan picks Victoria.

Asaf says he thinks Franny is the one, which is very weird since a few weeks ago she was like his sister. Ryans like You mad youre not with her? and hes like STRATEGY, VERY NICE.

Asaf is like Acting like hes fucking jumping on a bomb instead of picking a girl to sit by for 3 minutes. John and Kaylen ARE last and they look miserable.

Kaylens like Gio I loved you and you fucking blew it and were wrong!!! Uh, you two arent a match either? Time to move the fuck on.

Of course, true to the martyr theme we got going here, hes like

RYAN:If you loved her you wouldnt have left her GIO: Honestly I feel so attacked right now

Suddenly Gio is saying that everything he did was for Kaylen. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

Like a speech from a riveting sports movie, Camille is like NO YOU FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT AND HELP US WIN THIS MONEY and everyone claps along. Like yeah Gio, lets go out there and win this fucking game! And Gios likehmmm, maybe some money and future prospects in life would be cool.

Were waiting for the beams and they arent coming. HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. This is not a thing rn. OH, but it isTHEY GET A BLACKOUT.

This means Stephen/Julia, John/Kaylen AND Camille/Asaf arent matches. I think all 10,000 people who watch this show are stunned into shock.

They just lost 250,000 dollars, as Victoria so eloquently screams. Looks like youll be drinking boxed wine forever, Tyler.

Wow, this shit. This shit practically wrote itself. How did Gios third eye not see this coming?

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from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/are-you-the-one-recap-gio-olympics-2016-everyone-is-a-fucking-loser/