#i imagine him as being EXTREMELY expressive in his vocal tones.

[boneheadboner]

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I want to compose songe for hypnodaddy but dear fuckign god, i've gotta figure out the melody and lyric placements and shit. brain is going BRRRRRRRRRRRR and now I must WRITE! THEM! DOWN! The LYRICS! The melody can come later but the LYRICS GFHSDJKHFDKJSHFDKIS I just DEFINITELY need to figure those out, as I've always perceived Baggs as a person who could and WOULD use his wit and charisma to sway people first. After all, though his appearance might give them a slight warning, his words so easily and effortlessly project that he's a man of high intellect and understanding. That he's a curious monster, eager to listen and to learn. To get people to open up, excited to find someone who wants to hear what they have to say. "Everyone wants to talk about something. They merely are nervous that no one wants to hear it~... By showing that I am willing to listen, they open up. They open up their heart, and the things they feel so passionately about. They open their mind, eager to release the thoughts bubbling within. And an open mind, is a receptive mind... And a receptive mind is less wary of inviting thoughts. A receptive mind is comforted by the light airy magic, that flows from my eye. And less prone to resist, to listen, and to obey. ..... so sue me, I'm a bit lazy in my own right. "

[kwillow]

People are too nice to me and send me so many intriguing and prescient questions and scenarios about my imaginary friends. Some of these I would have a hard time responding to with drawings, so I've gotta just use my words (SO MANY WORDS) instead!

So, for all interested parties, in response to those questions, here come some LORE RAMBLES: THEO EDITION.

Asks and answers under the cut!

Thank you! “Strange but interesting” is what I aim for with him.

I don’t think I’ve talked about Theo’s voice before! To be honest, I often struggle to imagine precisely what my character’s voices are; the qualities of my mental performance for them varies from day to day. Still, I think with Theo I can formulate a description of some kind.

I imagine his voice to be on the higher end for a man, though not exaggeratedly so, along the tenor range. He can deepen his pitch purposefully to sound more imposing or masculine, but his voice tends to rise in pitch further and further when he’s tense, like a violin string on the verge of snapping. He speaks clearly and distinctly, sometimes to the point of almost biting off the ends of words rather than having them sloppily run into each other, and only rarely uses contractions. His voice has a slight nasal quality to it at times. When he’s angry, a bit of a rattling growl can edge the end of his words.

When he was young, he was a terrible stutterer. He made a concerted effort to train himself out of stuttering in his adolescent years, but he will still lapse into r-ruh-ruh-repeating his syllables if anxiousness gets the better of him and makes him forget to swallow those extra sounds.

He is an expressive speaker, far more so than he’d prefer. Like his pitch varies, so too does his volume, and he can swing from speaking so softly as to be almost inaudible to screaming with all the volume his lungs can muster in a moment. His cadence is full of exaggerated pauses for effect mixed with swift traipses through less important words said simply for the music of reciting them to himself; his conversational tone sounds more like a performer going through a soliloquy than casual speech. In large part, that’s because he’s had more pleasant experiences with theater than conversation.

As many have noticed, he has also a vocal tic. He makes nasally sounds and guttural grunts and growls involuntarily, more often when he’s nervous or upset about something. As he gets older and his body is less able to shrug off the effects of his little smoking habit, he wheezes and coughs in the middle of his sentences as well.

For most settings, I imagine him speaking in a highly affected Transatlantic accent, but in Amaranthine (which is what I assume people are asking about and what I’m defaulting to for these answers), his accent might be more typically British posh-y, like Received Pronunciation. Or maybe not, I mean, it’s a funny animal fantasy setting, so he could have any accent I like. :P

If you want auditory examples, I think something mixing the high-pitched, sibilant, nasally breathiness of Peter Lorre with the refined yet expressive voice of Vincent Price would get you pretty close to what I imagine. To break from the classic horror actor category, you can also throw in this animated series’ depiction of Doctor Octopus to add the all-important ingredient of “nerd factor” to his voice, haha.

He’s a bookworm, yes, but that means he likes to learn! In his case, he’s also someone who enjoys mastering (or at least getting competent at) new skills and is extremely likely to learn to do something well just because someone thinks he can’t. He also has the benefit of being kicked out of school and extremely unemployed, so for most of his life he had lots and lots of free time to take on all manner of niche hobbies if he so desired!

His drive to learn a new skill is motivated by a combination of practicality, gentlemanliness, a need to know how to handle his own business to have as little outside interference as possible or simple intellectual curiosity (which itself is often a cover for boyish whimsy about Cool Stuff). To give examples of practical skills he taught himself: most people probably wouldn’t expect him to be a good cook, but he learned to do that because his family lost their household staff, and someone had to figure out how to cook beef – and because he wanted to take better care of his mother after she fell ill. He’s a great seamster because he wanted to make alterations to his clothes to better fit his unusual proportions without suffering the indignity of being prodded and measured by some nosy tailor. Where he lives, engines are extremely uncommon, being used only for agriculture if at all, but if Theo did own his own automobile, he would learn how to fix the thing himself as best as he could because he wouldn’t want some stranger poking around in his precious baby. He does know how to repair basic clockwork mechanisms, though! (Even if he won’t fix his own pocket watch for weird sentimental reasons.) He taught himself to be ambidextrous purely because he worried about losing a hand in a freak accident one day. He never wants to be caught unprepared or feel like he can’t handle something on his own if he needs to.

For skills in the “oh but if I could do this it would be so cool – I MEAN GENTLEMANLY” camp… yeah, actually, he does like to fence. He might not be able to hold his own all that well against a trained opponent, partly just because of his own physical limitations, but he knows the footwork and he certainly enjoys fighting stationary enemies while role-playing in his head as a knight. (He would be exceedingly embarrassed if anyone knew that part.) He can dance – but only as half a pair – and play the piano – or at least the chords his fingers can reach. He makes model ships and is familiar with all their parts even though he’s never seen the ocean. He knows a fair bit about women’s fashion and could probably help a lady pick a flattering dress for a gala… if she didn’t mind dressing about decade out of style. He’s a fine marksman, though that does overlap with “practical skills” when you live in a world with monsters creeping around on the edges of towns. And that’s not even getting into his self-taught anatomy lessons! But maybe we shouldn’t get into that, for the sake of our stomachs.

I could keep rambling, but to summarize, Theo lacks worldly experience, but he is a curious little guy and has all kinds of weird skills rattling around in his skull. You never know what he’s gonna know! Except for anything involving successfully interacting with other people. He’s never going to know how to do that.

Theo is the sort of person who enjoys collecting things, in that he is often captivated by the history and sentimental value of objects that catch his eye, likes to have a little hoard he can lord over like a dragon, doesn’t see value in minimalism and is loath to get rid of anything he owns.

However, he’s a homebody who rarely traveled far from his hometown of Northcrest, a small and remote barony, and his family (and therefore he) did not have the kind of financial situation that allowed for many frivolous expenditures. Therefore, he cannot regularly obtain new items for his collections because he would quickly exhaust everything that caught his eye in his own town, and he would be wary of spending his family’s dwindling funds on something that only served to satisfy his own whims. If he were in different circumstances, able and willing to travel more broadly and possessing the kind of wealth that allowed him to fully indulge his fascinations, I’d imagine he’d have quite the collection of art, weapons, antique books, clothing, and other fineries. As it stands, he only rarely adds a new object to his own collections, and he instead contents his inner dragon by attempting to maintain and catalogue the acquisitions made by past Norths that have accrued in their manor over the generations. Still… a toy store in his town has made quite a profit off him by having new model trains in stock around his birthday and holidays.

I don’t think he’d be terribly enthused with an insect collection, regrettably. At least not a live one. Preserved, exotic kinds might at least hold the intrigue of far-off places, but something more mundane (and wrigglier) would repulse him more than fascinate him.

I’m going to say somewhere along the line between “absolutely not” and “it’s complicated.” Theo obviously gets fulfillment from looking after the people he cares about, and in Amaranthine, he’s been in a caregiver role for so long he takes a certain amount of comfort in it. Even so, if he somehow knew people thought that he “wants” the people he’s close with to fall ill, or have chronic poor health, he’d be horrified. Theo’s not exactly the most hale and hearty fellow himself (and he’s also made his health notably worse through the years via his own actions, good job on that bud), so he knows first-hand how miserable frequent illness is. He wouldn’t want someone to suffer through that. Also, witnessing his mother’s slow decline and death was harrowing for him, and part of why he flings himself into caring for Hyden is that he doesn’t want to see something like that again and is doing all he can to keep Hyden stable. It brings him comfort, but the stress of feeling responsible for someone’s health – and the stress of only being able to manage their symptoms and never fix the problem – takes a toll on him, too, even if he wouldn’t say so.

So, he wouldn’t blame a sickly partner for their condition, and he’d be willing to care for them and want to help them, but I don’t think he’d ever say he “wants” someone he cares about to be sick. Would he nonetheless be more likely to get close to someone sick versus someone well? Well, maybe. Theo has a bit of a dependent streak, not in that he needs someone to dote on him, but that he doesn’t feel like he has any worth in a relationship unless he can provide protection or assistance. But someone could easily satisfy his need to be needed in other ways, too. Like someone being clumsy and needing their clothes mended regularly, or having a deadbeat husband they need murdered, you know, stuff like that.

He doesn’t know much, and never cared to ask much either, like you imagine. He mostly just knows they’re not nobility, they do have some mage ancestry and ability, and beyond that aren’t important (according to Jocosa). Besides, as a history nerd, he has little interest in learning about his father’s side when his mother’s side has biographies, tapestries, records of badges and achievements and personal spellbooks in such great measure that he couldn’t hope to go through them all in his lifetime. Does Leonard’s side of the family have even one tapestry? No? How dull.

For his part, Leonard isn’t close to or fond of most of his family and isn’t very candid about his past life before becoming successful, so he was amenable to not talking much about his childhood or ancestry. He would prefer if Jocosa was similar restrained and didn’t extoll the virtues and history of her bloodline constantly, but alas, no. One of the consequences of marrying into snotty nobility, I suppose.

Oh, you’re on to something there! :)

Now, with someone like Theo, whose brain is a Gordian knot of congealing gray matter basting in a cerebral soup of self-deception, neuroticism, and concentrated hatred, it’s hard to point to one thing as the sole cause for any of his many issues. At the same time, I don’t want to just dump the entirety of Theo’s issues with his family and how they impact him psychologically because I worry that I could write a thousand words about it and still have five thousand more in me, and we all have other things to do with our time than read all that. That said, to briefly (ha) touch on what you’ve mentioned…

Many of Theo’s problems with intimacy, with needing to feel useful, with fearing connections with others, and so on do stem from his troubled family history. At least some of his self-loathing is borne from him, at a glance, looking more like the man he most despises instead of being the same long, slim, elegant creatures that form the roots and branches of his mother’s family tree. Although, the irony in that is that all the “bad” genetics that cause him grief and suffering come from his mother’s side – but he alternately blames the cruel gods and himself for being a freak, not his mother or grandpa or any of his weaselly ancestors for that.

It’s also true to say that Theo’s self-sacrificing and self-effacing acts of kindness towards his mother and to others he cares for are done in part to make up for the fact of his own existence. The fact that his beloved mother had to couple with a disgusting, loathsome, degrading, unfaithful cur of a man (have I mentioned Theo really hates his dad yet?) in order to bear him weighs heavily on his mind and warps his self-concept. As much as Theo knows his mother loves him, he also knows – and despises – that he if he’s his mother’s son, he’s also his father’s spawn.

Jocosa doesn’t talk at length about her problems to Theo, or anyone – she wouldn’t want to make Theo feel responsible for her woes and she isn’t the kind of woman to whine about her life’s tribulations besides – but Theo isn’t so ignorant that he can’t pick up on the tension in other’s conversations, read meaning into words left unsaid, or work backwards from what he is told to deduce the rotten truth behind what little he’s told. He knows that everything involving his conception was hard for her, even if she doesn’t say it, and he feels he needs to do everything in his power to make up for the suffering bringing him into existence put her through. ...And I could go on but I think that’s enough to get the picture for now. Have I mentioned I can write a lot of words about Theo??

I think Hyden would know better than to say something like that – out loud. Hyden does try to push Theo into a personal valet role. But Theo has his limits and Hyden is smart enough to not press them (too much, right away). Being referred to as a kind of servant is one of those limits that really pisses him off and would be a one-way ticket to not getting any more pillow fluffing. Also, for as much as he helps Hyden with daily tasks and provides whatever dotage he feels is required of him as an apprentice, caregiver or host, there are tasks a manservant would be responsible for that Theo categorically refuses to do (even though Hyden wishes he would).

I am greatly amused by the thought of someone trying to get a flower crown on Theo. I can’t imagine it’d ever go much better than people trying to put shirts on their cats. He just really doesn’t like situations wherein Stimulus I Have No Control Over Is Happening To Me.

He does tend to flip from fury to (relative) calm depending on the circumstance and the source of annoyance, so you’re spot-on with the variable reactions he could have to a floral intrusion. I would say he isn’t likely to use “witch” as an insult for the same reason as he wouldn’t use “harpy” or “ice queen” as an insult, which is that any kind of derogatory comment his mother was ever called might as well be a compliment in his books. “Harlot” is completely fair game, though.

Thanks a bunch for the kind words on my weird rat guy. So happy you like him!

(Also “dark fantasy rose type flower” made me laugh. God. He’s such an edgelord. Emphasis on the “lord”, with a title and arms and everything.)

Glad you like seeing him! I guess one of the benefits of me not getting particularly exotic with the colors or markings on my furry designs is that you can find associations to actual animals like this! I hope your pet rat had a better temperament than Theo does, though.

…Which sounds a little stupid considering quite a lot of these answers involved me talking at length about Theo being sad and self-sacrificing and crap like that. I swear to God he’s a nasty little bitchboy most of the time. I need to draw him biting someone on the face or insulting someone for being poor or eating someone’s eyeball or something again to balance the scales here.

Note to self.

[skzhocomments]

The Five Stages of Grief - Bang Chan Oneshot Fanfic

(And a second cover because I couldn't decide)

General Masterlist

Pairing: Bang Chan (Stray Kids) x OC/Reader (Story is written in 2nd person, no name is mentioned)

Genre: angst

Word Count: ~10k

Warnings: death, devastatingly sad, mentions of self-harm, suicidal thoughts. No comfort, although it does end in a positive note. Ending is hopeful if you squint.

This is just a story that doesn’t describe Bang Chan or other mentioned Stray Kids’ members true characters in any way. It’s just a product of my imagination and should be treated as such.

This story is also on Wattpad (click here) and AO3 (click here)

---

A/N: As any other writer out there, I would appreciate reblogs and your comments on this story. Please let me know if you enjoyed it, and most importantly, have fun!

© all rights reserved by skzhocomments (Tumblr), skzho (Tumblr)/ storminsidemycore (Wattpad), storminsidemycore (AO3)

---

The Five Stages of Grief

---

“Hey Channie!” You entered his studio with a smile plastered on your face, that soon enough turned into a frown when you noticed your boyfriend of almost 5 years hasn’t even acknowledged your presence.

He tended to do that a lot, especially when working on new comebacks. His whole focus was on that damn computer which you were sure by now was your life-sworn enemy. It’s hard having to compete with a screen to get your boyfriend’s attention, but such was life sometimes, and there was nothing you could do about it.

You knew the risks that came with dating an idol, you just didn’t know how much worse it could be if you were to date a workaholic, perfectionist idol.

This was Chan.

He spent hours and hours and hours cramped in his small studio, perfecting beats, arranging vocals, switching up different rhythms and trying to figure out what could work out and have the most success between his fans.

“Have you eaten?” You asked, kissing his cheek, and only then did he notice you’re there, and pulled out his headphones.

“Oh, hi. Didn’t see you come in.” Was all he said, his face scrunched in concentration. “Did you say something?”

“Just asked if you’ve had dinner yet.”

He must’ve, right? It was well past 11 pm, but one of his bad habits was working himself to death, and more often than not, he would skip meal times entirely simply because he wasn’t good at keeping track of time.

“I had a protein bar earlier.” He shrugged.

“Want me to order you something? Or even better, why don’t we both head home?” You asked with a smile, trying to be convincing enough for your boyfriend.

It usually worked.

He would normally laugh off your attempts to be nice and realise that you’re just trying to take care of him, and he would comply and go home with you for the night, then resume his work the next day.

Once you’d be home, he would crash immediately, proof of how tired he’d been and how much he’d ignored his body’s needs. His sheer determination was scary.

However, none of this happened tonight. He rolled his eyes and muttered a small “There she goes again.”

You played it off, though, realising he probably didn’t mean for you to hear that. Brave on his part, you thought, in such a small quiet studio.

“What is that supposed to mean?” You asked, your tone still friendly, as if you were joking with him.

What you didn’t expect was for him to turn his whole chair towards you, his expression angrier than you’ve ever seen him.

“You heard me. God, it’s so frustrating having you come here all the time bossing me around. Eat! Sleep! Stop working! Can’t you see I’m busy?!” He ranted, pointing towards his computer screen.

“Wow, sorry, Mr. Busy.” You chuckled, despite being slightly angry with his words.

He doesn’t mean them. You told yourself. This is another one of his bad habits: bursting out and speaking cruel words whenever he’s extremely stressed and has tight deadlines. It hadn’t happened often, only a handful of times in your years long relationship, but it hurt nonetheless whenever it did.

“And there you go mocking me.” He rolled his eyes at you. “It’s like you don’t even care about the work I’m doing.”

“It’s not that, Chan. You know how much I value your work, it’s just-”

“Yeah, bullshit.” He laughs. “If you would, you’d stop barging in here demanding things from me when you know I have stuff to do.”

“Hey, I know you had a tough couple of days with the comeback and all, but there’s no need for you to take it out on my like this.” You crossed your arms in front of your chest, this time feeling genuinely upset. It’s like he’s escalating it on purpose.

“No, it’s not just a tough couple of days. Don’t you get it? You do this shit all the time, and I’m frankly sick and tired of it. Can’t you just leave me be for once and stop being so controlling?”

“Controlling?” You asked, baffled. “How am I controlling, huh? By making sure you eat and sleep when you’re supposed to?”

“How do you even know what I’m supposed to do?! You always think you know best, but you never fucking consider any of my needs and wants.”

“Literally everything I do is fucking consider your needs, Chan.” You answered coldly.

“No. You’re just too deep in your head and can’t fucking figure out when to back down, so I’m telling you. Stop telling me what to do and leave me alone if I’m busy. God, I don’t need this shit.”

He mumbled the last sentence and put his headphones back in, turning his attention back to the screen.

Maybe you shouldn’t have done what you did next, but he hurt you, and you didn’t like the way your conversation apparently ended. You wanted to know what he meant, so you grabbed his headphones’ wire and pulled them out of his ears forcefully.

The way he turned to you and the look he threw you almost made your blood freeze, but you were far too upset to care about upsetting him anymore.

“What exactly don’t you need, huh? What is this shit, exactly?!” You gestured with your hands.

“You can’t fucking let it go, can you?” He laughed in a baffled way.

“No, unless you tell me what this shit is.”

“This. Us. Everything. I’m really fucking done with how overbearing you’re being. I was doing fine before I met you, and I sure as hell do just fine without you over my head every fucking minute of the day.”

“Oh, is that so?” You asked, expressionless.

He hurt you, but by his anger still present on his features, you realised it’s all pointless. You’re not going to see eye to eye tonight.

“Do you want to break up?” You let out, the words burning your tongue, and Chan’s eyes widen.

“What? No! Fuck, you twist my words.” He sighs, exasperated. “Just leave. Let’s talk about it tomorrow.”

When he doesn’t say anything else, you let out a shaky breath and watch him put his headphones back in.

“Oh, and this?” He starts, pointing to one end of the headphones. “Never do this shit again.”

You watch silently how he turns his chair to look back at the damn screen, without caring that you’re still there in the room.

The discussion is over.

“I see. Fine. I’ll go.” You let out, tears beginning to spill down your cheeks. He didn’t see them, and it felt like he didn’t even care that he’s made you cry.

You quietly made your way out of the room, your sight too blurry to see anything, and you headed home.

---

Denial

---

Chan’s eyes are beginning to sting painfully, and after rubbing them and checking the time, he figures out why.

It’s way over 5 AM when he decides to finally leave the studio, and although it’s still dark out, the streets are already starting to get filled with people hurrying to whatever painful morning shift they are scheduled for.

It takes him about 20 minutes to get back to your shared apartment, and when he does, nothing seems unusual at first.

The house is expectedly quiet, it being so early in the morning, and he already imagines how deep in sleep you must be by now.

He feels guilty for how he treated you, that he let the anger consume him once again, and he regrets it. He always regrets it when he lets stress get the better of him.

As he heads towards the bathroom to wash the harsh day off his skin, he starts thinking about how he could make it up to you. Should he buy you flowers and bring you breakfast in bed in 4 hours when you’ll most likely get up?

Although he hasn’t slept at all.

Should he take you out on a date after he’s well rested? There was this restaurant you mentioned a couple of times that you wanted to try, but he didn’t have enough time to take you there to eat yet, not with all the planned comebacks and the work that keeps piling up.

Maybe tomorrow is finally the day.

He finishes his shower and rubs his eyes again, and God, how tired he is, just as usual when he pulls out all-nighters. Everything seems ordinary, but as he opens the bedroom door, however, something is unusual.

You are not there.

Confused, he takes out his phone to check for any messages you might’ve sent him, but upon noticing there’s no new notifications, he throws the phone on the bed, screen down, defeated.

Did you really think he wants to break up? Did you finally have enough and left him?

He knows he treated you badly tonight, but he thought it’s just a small drop in an ocean of happiness. Arguments are unavoidable, unfortunately, and he can’t always be the perfectly composed man he’s striving to become.

Would you really leave after a couple of cruel words he didn’t even mean? He starts asking himself as he gets into bed. Surely you know how much he loves and needs you there for him. It was just a bad night, that’s all.

Maybe you just wanted some space, and decided to head to a friend, or to a hotel or something.

He thinks about calling you, but with how late it is – or rather, how early – he knows he’d just disturb you or any of your friends you would’ve gone to if he were to call.

He decides to go to sleep instead and figure it all out tomorrow morning, when his mind is clearer, and when you’ve both had enough time to cool down.

~

His head is pounding with pain as he opens his eyes and feels multiple pulsations against all sides of his skull.

This is the worst migraine he’s ever had, and he realises how right you were when trying to convince him to go to sleep early. He really needed more sleep.

He grabs his phone to check the time, and when he does, he sees it’s flooding with notifications. His manager called him about a dozen times, starting at 8 AM and continuing up until 15 minutes ago, and he has multiple missed calls and messages from all the members.

Ugh, it’s only 10.

Did I have a schedule I’ve forgotten about? He wonders, rubbing his eyes confused, but checking the date, he knows it’s his day off.

He decides to head to the bathroom and freshen up, while picking up his phone and dialling his manager’s number.

He reaches the bathroom and puts toothpaste on his brush, and by the time the phone rang two times, his manager picks up.

“Chan! Where are you?” He asks, his voice hurried. “Why haven’t you picked up?”

He begins lazily brushing his teeth and checks the date again, and sure enough, it’s his free day. There’s nothing in his schedule.

“Huh? What do you mean?” He asks, his voice still ridden with sleep, still tired from the lack of rest. “It’s my day off.”

“Are you at home?”

“Yes. Where else?”

“Good. That’s… okay. Have you talked to anyone yet?”

“No…? You’re acting weird. What’s going on?”

“Listen, Chan. Something… something bad happened. I need you to sit down for a moment, okay?”

“Okay...?” Chan nods absent-mindedly, continuing to brush his teeth, oblivious about what’s coming.

“Last night… God, I don’t even know how to break this to you, so I’ll just say it. Do note that the company will do its best to assist you and-”

“Cut to the chase. What’s wrong?” Chris asks, starting to get worried. He finishes brushing his teeth, and just as he prepares to put the toothbrush down, his manager’s next words make him drop it to the floor instead.

“Your girlfriend passed away last night. She was hit by a drunk driver on a crosswalk, and although an ambulance got there in less than 2 minutes, she was already… I’m sorry.”

The line falls silent as Chan tries to process what his manager just said. The only sound in the room is made by the toothbrush hitting the bathroom’s white floor tiles.

Chan heard wrong. There’s no other explanation.

“That can’t be.” He dismisses his manager completely. “She was just with me in the studio last night, and then she came-”

Home. But you weren’t home.

“She must’ve gone to a hotel or something.”

“Chan… I’m truly, truly sorry. As I said, we’re going to support you through this tough time with everything we’ve got.”

What tough time? Chan wants to ask but stays silent instead.

He picks the discarded toothbrush from the floor and throws it away. How careless he’s been, dropping it.

He wants to chuckle at his stupidity, and he can’t wait to tell you about it. You’re going to nag him again for being careless and dropping things. This is the 3rd toothbrush he’s changing this month.

“Oh, God! Again?” He can already picture you with an amused expression on your face, your arms crossed. “You’re always dropping stuff on the floor!”

The thought brings the ghost of a smile on his face, and he starts wondering again where you might be. Surely your manager is mistaken.

“Her parents tried getting in touch with you, but they said you didn’t pick up. You should give them a call.” His manager continues to say. “From what they’ve told us, the funeral will be held tomorrow morning. JYPE offered to pay for all expenses. Anyways, this must be too much information to swallow for now, so I’ll come pick you up in 20 minutes and we can go to the company together. The rest of the boys are already here.”

“Okay, see you in 20 minutes.” Chan replies, not really understanding what’s happening.

He ignores the countless missed calls and messages and opens his call history to dial your number instead.

It goes straight to voice mail.

~

“Hello! You’ve called… wait, am I doing this correctly?”You chuckled, asking him with an unsure look on your face.

“Yes. The beep-”

“Oh, right! Thanks for calling, please leave your message after the beep. Okay, bye~!” You cheerfully said, ending the recording with a small laugh.

“Are you going to keep it like that?” He asked amused.

“Why not? It’s straight to the point!”

“You left my voice in it, though.”

“Oh, does it bother you? I can record again if you want me to.”

“No, no need. I just – isn’t it a bit weird?” He chuckled. “You even forgot to say your name.”

“Whatever.” You waved a dismissive hand in the air. “If they called my number, they know who they’re calling.”

“Fair enough.” He laughed.

~

‘Hello! You’ve called… wait, am I doing this correctly?

Yes. The beep-

Oh, right! Thanks for calling, please leave your message after the beep. Okay, bye~!’

He chuckles absent-mindedly at the memory of him teaching you how to record a message redirecting your callers to leave a voice mail. You’ve never been good at technology.

“Hi, babe. Can you please call me? I need to talk to you.” He says, deciding to leave a message, even though he isn’t convinced that you’ll get to hear it. You usually forget to check your voice mail.

He tries calling again, just for good measure.

‘Hello! You’ve called… wait, am I doing this correctly?’

Yes. The beep-

Oh, right! Thanks for-‘

And again.

‘Hello! You’ve called… wait, am I doing this correctly’?

Yes. The beep-‘

And again.

‘Hello! You’ve called… wait, am I doing this correctly?’

Yes.’

‘Hello! You’ve called…’

‘Hello!’

He throws his phone on the bed exasperated. Why aren’t you picking up?

You didn’t even come home last night, why is your phone turned off?

Do you want to somehow punish him for being cruel and make him worry?

He shakes his head confused and begins changing his clothes from the comfortable pyjamas to an appropriate enough outfit to go to the company.

It should be a crime to have to go so early in the morning anywhere on your day off.

When he’s done and he looks somewhat presentable, he picks his phone back up and dials your number again.

‘Hello! You’ve called-’

He cancels the call just when he hears a knock on his door, and opening it, his manager is looking at him sombrely.

“Hi.” Chris speaks first, but his manager doesn’t say anything. He just pulls him into a hug that lasts way too long, Chan thinks.

“I’m so sorry for your loss.” He finally says after pulling away.

Chan doesn’t know what to reply, so he opts to just stay silent. His manager’s words don’t register in his head anyway; maybe he’s still tired.

He did go to sleep way too late.

They head to the car, and although the ride to the company only lasts 20 minutes or so, the 20 minutes feel like an eternity.

It’s just as his manager said, and everyone else is already at the company. When he sees the boys, they come rushing to him, their faces tear-stained and their clothes black.

“Oh, Chris…” Felix hugs him tightly and starts crying, and Chan starts comforting him by patting his back a few times.

A few tears escape past his eyes as well by seeing all the boys so gloomy, but he still doesn’t seem to be able to wrap his hand around it.

“Her parents said the wake is taking place at their house, so that’s where we’re headed now. I thought it’s better for you to not go alone.” His manager blurts out.

Chris looks dejected for a few seconds, before taking out his phone again and dialling the familiar number. This time, he types it himself. He knows it by heart.

With a shaky hand, he puts it against his ear and waits to connect.

‘Hello! You’ve called… wait, am I doing this correctly?

Yes. The beep-

Oh, right! Thanks for calling, please leave your message after the beep. Okay, bye~!’

It makes no sense.

You couldn’t possibly… have died.

You are so young. You have so many plans and so many things you still want to do.

He is supposed to apologize to you and pamper you the whole day just to make up to you for being an asshole last night. He is supposed to take you to that restaurant you’ve been bugging him about for weeks.

You can’t possibly be gone, just like that.

~

Your parents embrace Chris as soon as he steps through the door. They’re sobbing loudly, and there are so many people present – some, he recognises: old friends from middle school you’ve shown him pictures of, some other colleagues from university, some coworkers he had the pleasure of meeting at the last Christmas party held by your company, a few family members…

There are also many people he doesn’t recognise; people your age, and Chan gets reminded once again of how young you are, with your whole life ahead.

He shakes his head once he notices a coffin on the large table in your parents’ living room; the same table you’ve both ate at just two weeks ago when you’ve last visited.

“My baby, Chris is here to see you.” Your mother cries, approaching the coffin and pulling his hand to guide him towards it as well.

It’s closed shut, and on top of it, your picture stares at him with a happy smile. You are so beautiful; he’s always loved this picture of yours. He’s the one who took it, just after you’ve graduated Uni and he handed you a big bouquet of your favourite flowers, rose peonies. You said your eyes wrinkled in a weird way, and never liked it, but he absolutely adored it. It’s been his wall screen ever since.

The coffin is made of dark polished mahogany, and its lid is adorned with golden handles.

You can’t possibly be in there.

Although beautiful, how could such a small coffin hold the large essence of your soul?

It makes no sense whatsoever.

Your parents’ cries seem real enough, though.

He touches the top of the coffin and wonders why it’s closed. Why would it be closed, when you are so gorgeous? People should see you, not a simple picture.

He decides it must be because you’re simply not in it. Or if you are hiding in there, maybe it’s all a joke and you’re going to open it from the inside and yell Surprise!, shocking everyone in the room and making your mother faint. It’s something you’d do.

So, he waits.

He waits, and waits, and waits, and his feet grow tired and his back starts aching after so many hours on his feet. People come and go, paying respects, patting his shoulders and trying to make some small talk, talking about you in past tense.

“She was such a wonderful person.”

“She was so full of life.”

“Her laugh was so intoxicating.”

“Her work ethic was admirable.”

“She was so smart.”

He listens and nods to each of their words. They are right. You are a smart, wonderful person, you are full of life, your laugh is the best thing he’s ever heard. He’s wished more often than not to record it and put it in one of his tracks, but every time he’d mentioned it, you called him silly.

By the time your father brings him a chair and places it next to the coffin so he can sit down instead of standing, it’s already night out.

“You should get some rest, Chris. I’ll stay with her.” He tells him, placing his strong hand on Chan’s shoulder as to attract his attention, but Chan just shakes his head.

How could he go sleep when you might decide any time to wake up?

Would you panic, with the lid closed and all? You’ve always been claustrophobic. Why is it closed, anyway?

~

It’s already morning when one of your relatives approaches Chris and urges him to get out of the living room to change his clothes.

They’ve brought him a white suit at the request of your father; wedding attire, since you didn’t get the chance to get married before you passed.

He is reluctant to put on the white pants and uncomfortable suit jacket, but he does it anyway. Your mother cries when she sees him, and your father pats his shoulder and thanks him for doing this.

The priest comes, and a lot of your friends visit your home again, to lead you on your last journey, apparently.

It takes the priest about half an hour to finish praying for your soul, and then your coffin is loaded in the back of a hearse. The car moves slow enough for everyone to be able to follow, and Chris is walking right behind it, next to your parents. Felix is behind him with Lee Know and Changbin, and the rest of the boys are somewhere far back. He sticks out like a sore thumb, dressed in all white while everyone else is wearing black.

Each time the car passes next to important places in your life, the hearse stops and people throw coins on the ground. They pass by your kindergarten and your old school, and with each step, your mother cries harder. Your father tries his best to stay composed, but even he bursts into tears when your mother starts talking about your life and what a happy kid you were.

Chris doesn’t shed a tear. He follows the hearse blindly, and when it reaches the cemetery, he watches as his members take out the coffin and place it on the ground next to a large, freshly dug hole.

The priest begins a final prayer, and soon enough, he watches how the coffin disappears inside the hole. People start throwing soil and flowers. He doesn’t know how a couple of roses get in his hands, but he begins throwing them one by one on top of the coffin that keeps getting lowered down.

You’ve never liked roses that much. You like peonies. Why did someone hand him roses?

There is also some music – hymns, or the sorts. Something you wouldn’t like. He doesn’t like it either.

A few moments later, some people begin covering the coffin in dirt, and he watches the scene expressionless. It gets covered fairly quickly. People start crying even harder, and his ears start ringing.

He feels sick to his stomach, so he decides to take a few steps back as soon as the whole gets filled to the brim with the freshly dug soil.

“I can’t believe she’s truly gone. She was so young!” He hears a woman say from somewhere behind him. He doesn’t bother turning his head to check if he knows her or not.

“Right? We were talking just yesterday morning at work about going shopping this weekend.” Another woman replies in a quiet tone.

“They didn’t even open the casket.”

“How could they? Didn’t you hear how she passed?”

“No! What even happened?”

“She was apparently crossing the road and a car came out of nowhere, hitting her with more than 200 km/h. It threw her like 30 metres in the air.”

“Oh my God! I heard it was a car accident, but this…”

“Yeah! It’s insane. There was barely anything left of her… only shattered bones and flesh, nothing resembling a human.”

“Shh, what if someone hears you say that?!” The other woman tried to silence the first one.

After hearing these details, Chris feels even sicker.

He wants to throw up.

“Son, we are going to the reception now. Do you want to come with us in our car?” Your father approaches him, and Chris simply nods.

He hugs him for a few seconds, and then they wait for your mother to come, and the ride to the restaurant is filled with her sobs while your father and Chan remain expressionless.

~

He sits at a table next to your parents. Felix is on his left, and the rest of the boys and other members of JYPE are sitting nearby.

There is an empty space to his right, and in front of it, the table is full of your favourite foods, snacks and drinks.

His eyes are stuck on that empty seat.

“Wow, they really brought me a lot.” You chuckle, looking at Chris with your head supported by your right hand, your elbow against the table. “How am I supposed to eat all of this?”

He watches the scene stunned.

“What’s wrong, baby? Why the long face?” You ask, the smile on your face wider, raising a hand to caress his cheek.

The next time Chris blinks, you’re gone.

The seat is empty.

~

The boys insist that Chan comes with them to the dorms, or that at least some of them come home with him.

“It’s not good to be alone.” Hyunjin says sympathetically, and Chris simply shakes his head.

What if you come back home tired and want to rest, but the boys are there visiting? He asks himself. It wouldn’t be fair to you.

So, he goes home alone, after much bargaining with them that he needs some time on his own.

The silence that greets him once he opens the door to your shared apartment is deafening.

He first goes to the bedroom to check if you’re back yet, but the sheets stay as empty as when he woke up two days ago, so he pulls out his phone to dial your number again.

‘Hello! You’ve called… wait, am I doing this correctly?

Yes. The beep-

Oh, right! Thanks for calling, please leave your message after the beep. Okay, bye~!’

The beep sound follows soon after, and he begins talking.

“Babe, I know you’re mad at me. I was wrong. I’m sorry. It’s time to come back home now. Please?”

A second beep follows, signalling that the time to record his message is over, so he ends the call. He ignores the countless notifications piling up on his screen, all the Condolences messages he’s been receiving, and he places the phone in his pocket and starts making the bed.

“Wow, well done, Channie! I’m impressed!” He can almost hear you chuckling, and turns his head towards the door, fully expecting you to be there laughing at him and praising him for doing the bare minimum, but there’s no one there.

Once the bed is made, he heads towards the living room. A half empty glass of water is on the table, its margins stained by your lipstick, next to a plate full of breadcrumbs.

Tsk, how messy. He rolls his eyes, knowing exactly why you haven’t cleaned up. You must’ve eaten in a rush again, this bad habit of yours.

You’re always complaining about stomach aches, but you keep eating on the go while getting ready for work in the morning, and never enjoy your meals.

He takes a picture of the crime scene and opens his phone again, shooting you a text.

“Forgot to clean up?” He asks, then attaches the picture of the plate and glass.

He knows you’ll probably laugh and start excusing yourself once you see it. If he were to check his gallery, half the pictures are surely of the dirty plates you simply forget about on the table.

Chris always washes them, but never fails to remind you of it.

This time, too, he takes the plate and glass to the sink and turns on the hot water. He rubs the plate with a dish sponge with way too much dish soap on it, and he hears your voice in the back of his head again:

“My, Channie! You’re so wasteful! You only need a drop. A single drop!!! What are you using so much dish soap for???”

He starts laughing as he grabs the glass and throws the half-drunk water out, but before washing it, he notices the lipstick stains again. He smiles to himself and sets the glass aside, wiping it off with a napkin, careful to not accidentally remove the stain.

Your lips left such a pretty mark, he doesn’t want to part with it yet, even if you are going to give him an earful later for not washing the glass properly.

When there is nothing else to do around the house, he opens his laptop and starts sorting out his emails. All of their schedules for the month have been cancelled, and their upcoming comeback postponed indefinitely.

He doesn’t think it’s necessary, but at the end of the day, the company’s rules must be followed. You’ve complained about him working too much anyway. Maybe this is the chance for you two to spend a bit more time together.

All he has to do now is wait for you to come back.

~

He waits.

And waits.

And waits…

Felix visits with Jisung and Seungmin the next day.

And then the next, Jeongin comes with Changbin and Hyunjin.

Minho drops by every morning with enough food to last Chris the whole day.

His manager comes once a week and makes sure to call him daily.

Whenever he’s on the phone, he paces around the empty apartment and looks around. He sees the jewellery you left on the coffee table; your sports shoes are still on the doormat in front of the door, your face creams and serums stay untouched in the bathroom, your hairbrush lays by the sink filled with loose hair, and there’s a half-ironed shirt on the ironing table in the dressing.

You don’t like other people touching your stuff, so he leaves everything just like that, waiting for you to come back and fix it all.

The glass with your lipstick stain on it is still there on the counter, next to the sink.

He’s texted you about a dozen of times since he first messaged you about it and the plate that’s long been washed, but you haven’t replied to a single text. Your phone still goes directly to voicemail, but worst of all… no matter how much he’s waiting…

… you don’t come home, and the apartment stays empty.

~

‘Hello! You’ve called… wait, am I doing this correctly?

Yes. The beep-

Oh, right! Thanks for calling, please leave your message after the beep. Okay, bye~!’

~

‘Hello! You’ve called… wait, am I doing this correctly?

Yes. The beep-

Oh, right!’

~

‘Hello!’

---

Anger

---

It’s been more than a month, but Chris still sets the table for you each time he eats what Lee Know brings him.

He wouldn’t bother eating much, if Minho wouldn’t have insisted to tag along to practically every meal after he noticed that he’s barely touching the food.

He always places one more plate on the table, right in front of him, at your usual spot.

“Just in case she comes back and gets hungry.” He explains to Minho, but he’s had enough of this.

“Hyung…” Lee Know hesitates. “She… she’s not coming back. You know that, right?”

His tone is quiet, and he tries to approach the subject as gently as possible. However, it’s time for him to do something. You’ve died more than five weeks ago, but Chris hasn’t moved any of your belongings, not even to store them.

There’s a box of tampons on the kitchen counter, but he won’t even move that, for fuck’s sake. He keeps waiting for you to come home, as if he doesn’t realise the fact that you’ve passed away.

“No, she will.” Chris says firmly, daring Minho to challenge him more.

“Hyung… She… she died. She’s not coming back.”

“You’re wrong!” Chris shouts all of a sudden, hitting the table with his fist strong enough to make the tableware bounce. He knows Minho is right. After waiting for you for weeks on end without you coming back, after dialling your number about a million times, after sending countless texts with no reply from you… he knows. But…

“Chris…” Lee Know stares empathetically.

“You’re all wrong! She… she’s coming back, goddamit!” He shouts again, this time grabbing the table’s edges and flipping it. The empty plates fall to the ground and shatter in the process, and Minho’s pot spills on the carpet, staining it.

Chris tries to cling to the last bit of hope he has regarding you, but he knows you’re dead. Everyone else was right, and he was wrong. You’re really gone.

“I’m sorry, Hyung. You… you need some help…” Lee Know continues with a shake of his head, bending down to grab the broken pieces of glass.

When he’s done cleaning up the carpet and the floor to the best of his abilities, he takes one more look at Chan. He looks like a ticking bomb, ready to explode again any second now.

Lee Know doesn’t know if it would be good to give Chan space, or if he should insist again that he comes with him to the dorms.

He decides to ask him anyway, and to his surprise, Chris nods and packs a small bag with clothes and hangs it on his shoulder.

They made their way out to Lee Know’s car, and once they’re at the dorms, they say goodbye as each goes to their respective apartments. Chris used to live with 3RACHA and Hyunjin, so that’s where he’s headed.

The dorms are as messy as he remembers, but they bring him comfort nontheless. His old room brings him solace as well.

There are a few pictures or you on the small desk in his room, and he looks at them fondly. You’re smiling beautifully in all of them. It’s the you he remembers. You, at your first date; you, the first time he took you to an amusement park; you, when all your fingers were coated in chocolate after you attempted to bake him a cake.

It’s you.

God, how he misses you.

How dare you leave him alone?

How dare you?

Why didn’t you fucking look to the left before crossing the road? Even if the traffic light was green, you should’ve fucking looked.

You’ve always been careful to look, so why…?!

Watching the pictures no longer makes him happy. It makes him angry, and out of anger, he punches the wall behind the desk with all his strength.

It makes no sense, really, but the pain in his fist takes away from the pain in his heart, so he punches the wall again.

He decides to try and calm down after hitting the wall two more times, and he hops into his old bed, shutting his eyes tight and thinking about the night you died.

‘I’m really fucking done with how overbearing you’re being. I was doing fine before I met you, and I sure as hell do just fine without you over my head every fucking minute of the day.’

Those were some of the last words he’s said to you.

Since you’ve died a few blocks away from the JYPE building, it happened right after you left.

You died thinking he doesn’t love you.

You died thinking he doesn’t need you.

He does.

He needs you.

If only he’d gone home with you that night, as you asked him, you would’ve never died.

It’s his fault.

It’s his fault you’ve died.

He killed you.

He lashed out on you and blamed all his stress on your attempts to take care of him, and he killed you.

Fuck, it’s all his fault.

For the first time since the funeral, he bursts out in tears, and he is unable to stop. It’s like all of his repressed feelings for the past month and a half come biting him right in the ass.

It’s so hard to breathe. He’s getting suffocated.

He can’t.

He can’t breathe anymore.

You’re on top of him, suffocating him.

“You killed me.” You say, blood running down your face.

He can almost feel the drops hitting him, with your face so close to him.

“It’s your fault. “You knew what you were saying. You killed me.” You say again cruelly, and Chris shuts his eyes even tighter.

His cries soon turn to wails, and he’s being loud enough for Changbin to hear him and get alerted. He opens the door without knocking, and upon seeing Chris, his heart breaks.

He just goes to the bed and throws himself on top of Chris, as if to shelter him somehow from the intense grief he’s feeling.

When his cries quiet down, Changbin takes a look at his friend and sees his injuries.

“Holy fuck, your hand is bleeding. Are you okay?” He asks in panic, standing up quickly to grab the first aid kit to bandage his fist.

“It’s all my fucking fault!” Chris screams at the top of his lungs, and his destructive mood comes back. He stands up, wanting to destroy it all. Every damn picture, every fucking thing in this room.

He wants to set it on fire and let it it all to pieces, letting himself burn as well. It’s what he deserves for killing you.

Sure, the drunk driver that hit you was directly responsible for taking your life, but the way he acted that night… nothing would’ve happened if it weren’t for him.

He killed you.

Changbin sees right through his erratic behaviour and anticipates his moves, throwing himself once more at Chris, holding him tight and not letting him move, no matter how much Chris lashes out. He doesn’t let go until his friend calms down again, and even after he does, he decides to camp in the room with him and keep him company.

---

Bargaining

---

It’s been three months, and Chris still has some difficulties accepting that you’re truly gone.

He probably shouldn't be here so soon, but it’s like he has to make sure again that you’re… that you’re dead.

Your parents did a great job with your grave; your gravestone made of marble stands tall , centred right in front of the ground you’re buried deep within, and the intricate designs of sculpted vines and flowers reminds him of you.

Oh, right. Flowers.

Chris remembers he brought a bouquet of pink peonies with him. He’s been holding onto it tightly ever since he bought it and stepped in a taxi to come here, but as soon as he got to your grave, time stopped, he couldn’t breathe anymore, and he forgot about the flowers in his hands.

It’s not like you need any more; there are so many fresh flowers all over and around your grave. Your parents also planted lots on top of the soil above your coffin, decorating your rest place beautifully.

You’ve always said you wanted a garden, and now, you have one: your little space in the uncomfortably large cemetery at the edge of the city.

“My favourite flowers. Aren’t they pretty?” He swears he can hear your voice, and turning to his left side, his breath hitches in his throat, choking him.

There you are, holding the bouquet of pink peonies he bought with a large smile on your face, but just like last time, he blinks, and the bouquet is in his hands, as it’s been the whole time, and you’re nowhere in sight.

A tear rolls down Chan’s cheek. He wishes he would’ve bought you that house and garden you’ve been dreaming of, instead of the convenient apartment in the city centre.

He wishes he would’ve proposed, and that you’d build a little family together. After all, you were his solace in the midst of all the chaos of his life. The sole person bringing him purpose and comfort.

But now you’re gone.

He wishes he wouldn’t have always put his job first. Especially now, as his schedules stay empty due to the company fearing for his well-being, he realises how much free time he could’ve had if only – if only he’d listened to you.

He regrets all those late nights in the studio when he could’ve been home sleeping next to you.

He regrets every breakfast, lunch and dinner he’s missed because he was too busy with making a new song, learning a new dance, or preparing for a new comeback. Now, none of it matters. You’re gone.

He could’ve postponed all of them. He could’ve done so much differently, and he regrets it all.

You’re gone.

He places the peonies in a little vase near your gravestone, next to some daffodils someone must’ve brought you a few days ago.

Then, he raises his gaze and reads the inscription in the headstone’s marble. It’s your favourite poem by Clare Harner.

Good choice, he thinks, as he goes through the lines of Immortality and traces each engraved letter with his fingers.

~

‘Do not stand by my grave and weep

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am the thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints in snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain,

I am the gentle, autumn rain.

As you awake with morning's hush,

I am the swift, up-flinging rush

Of quiet birds in circling flight.

I am the day transcending night.

Do not stand by my grave, and cry--

I am not there, I did not die.’

You stopped reciting the poem and took a deep breath, looking expectantly at Chan.

“Isn’t this poem beautiful?” You asked him, your eyes sparkling.

“A bit morbid, but yes.” Chris chuckled as he placed the freshly made pasta dish in a large plate and served you dinner.

“Aww, thank you. Smells so good!” You grinned in delight, your eyes closing into crescents, as they always did whenever you smiled brightly.

He couldn’t help but press a quick chaste kiss against your lips before he sat down as well.

“So, pasta master, show me how it’s done.” You encouraged him, nudging his elbow and handing him your fork and spoon.

“Tsk, you’re so spoiled.” Chris tutted jokingly, but complied nonetheless and started twirling the pasta with the fork. Once it became an appropriate bite-sized portion, he raised the fork and supported it with the spoon as he brought the food to your mouth.

“Mmmm, so good!” You exclaimed with a few quick, excited small claps, as soon as you started feeling the flavours.

“Of course, what were you expecting?” Chris chuckled.

“Only the best from you.” She praised, petting his head fondly. “So, about the poem. Do you think it’s good enough for my presentation?”

“For Uni? Yeah, of course. Anything you’d pick is good enough, babe. You have your way with words, and you recited it very beautifully.”

“You think?” You beamed at his words, and he nodded. “Thank you, Channie. I really really like it, but I was afraid it wasn’t appropriate.”

“No, it is. You can use it.”

“If the lyrical genius says so, it must be true.” You stood up briefly and kissed his cheek, before returning to your seat and starting eating the pasta.

~

God, how many years ago was that?

Chris bursts out crying for the millionth time this month, and grabs the headstone with both his hands, feeling his knees grow weak.

On the brink of collapse, he uses your gravestone for support as he weeps louder.

“Can’t you come back?” He asks, his voice shaking. “Please. Please come back. Please. I… I promise I’ll do better, hm? I promise I’ll no longer stay as late in the studio, so please… please…”

The headstone can’t support him enough when his hands go weak as well, and he falls to his knees right in front of the poem.

“If only – If only I’d left with you that night. If only we hadn’t fought. God… please, please come back. We still have to make up.”

He cries for what feels like hours, and his body grows cold.

“Please… please…” He forces out again. “Come back… come back… we have so much we want to do… come back… I need… I need more time with you, please. Please.”

And he cries again.

And again.

And again, until he feels a hand on his shoulder a while later, and he turns his head around hopeful, thinking you might’ve somehow heard his pleas and returned to him.

His expression falls as he sees Seungmin looking concerned at him, and then he frowns even more noticing the pathetic way he looks in his eyes’ reflection.

Seungmin falls to the ground next to Chan, hugging his side tightly. Then, he helps him stand up and balance on his feet.

Chris is grateful for Stray Kids being there for him, but he just wishes… it would’ve been you standing next to him instead of Seungmin.

---

Depression

---

Chris has never experienced such an intense fatigue before. Every part of his body hurts, and it’s like his muscles are screaming at him each time he stands up. He is lethargic and looks haggard and in desperate need of rest, but rest doesn’t come by too easily as of late.

It’s 5AM and he’s in the studio again, but instead of doing anything productive, like finishing up that song he’s started working on two months ago that he keeps beating himself up for, he watches how beautiful you looked in the picture on his desk.

You used to be so full of life and so gorgeous. Your smile could make anyone happy, and your laugh – God, how much he misses your laugh.

He misses your voice.

Sometimes, he can’t even remember what it sounds like, and he thinks it’s absurd; it hasn’t been that long since you passed. Only about a year. He shouldn’t forget it so soon.

He grabs his phone and manually types the digits to your number. He still hasn’t forgotten it, and with how deep it’s been ingrained in his memory, he doesn’t think he ever will.

‘Hello! You’ve called… wait, am I doing this correctly?

Yes. The beep-

Oh, right! Thanks for calling, please leave your message after the beep. Okay, bye~!’

He hasn’t cried in some time while thinking of you, but now, he’s on the verge of tears again. You used to sound so carefree.

You used to be so happy.

He doesn’t know when he started referring to you in past tense, but as soon as the realisation hits him, he lets a couple of tears stain his cheeks.

Chris is tired. He hasn’t slept in… God knows how many days. He’s always had trouble sleeping, but nowadays, his insomnia has been getting worse and worse. His doctor prescribed him some pills that are supposed to help, but he can’t even be bothered to take them anymore. They don’t help him rest anyway. If he takes them, he wakes up confused, disoriented, and with an even worse headache.

His phone is still in his hand and his finger brushes over his screen. He didn’t have the heart to change his lockscreen picture. It’s still you.

He hasn’t seen you in what feels like years. The first few months when he’d been haunted by your ghost were tough, but now that he hasn’t seen any glimpse of you in months, day to day life is getting harder and harder to navigate.

You don’t even visit him in his dreams anymore, on the seldom nights he sleeps. If he takes the small white pills, he doesn’t dream of anything, and he so desperately wants to see you again, to touch you, that he refuses to take them. That’s the other reason he doesn’t.

Fuck, this is hard.

Are you supposed to feel so devastated after a whole year?

Back then, years passed by so quickly – it meant comeback after comeback, work, work and more work, and time with you was scarce but very appreciated. Time used to fly, and without him knowing how much time passed, you’ve celebrated your 5th anniversary. He was planning to propose to you soon. He was looking at rings, but then you…

Time doesn’t pass by as quickly anymore. This year stretched for so long, it felt like a decade instead of barely 12 months. With each passing month, it was like nothing was changing at all for Chris, but now, looking back, everything feels different.

He’s a completely different person than the one that was staying in the studio up until 5 AM last year, and he blames himself so, so much for his unchanging bad habits.

He blames himself for your death still. It’s his fault, and this thought only makes him more hopeless and more depressed.

He’s lost weight. A lot of it, to the point where the company had to have an ‘intervention’. Whereas last year his body was toned, his abs perfectly sculpted and his form admirable, he now looks like a ghost of himself.

If he eats, his stomach immediately starts hurting. He threw up 3 times this week alone.

Your death still has such a big emotional toll on him, and he’s tried it all. He went to therapy. He still goes four times a week at his company’s requests. He’s on medication that makes him groggy and unable to think, medication that shut down all his feelings – not just the negative ones. He is numb, and when he isn’t, he feels utterly devastated and lost.

What is he supposed to do now, without you?

How come a year has already passed without you by his side? He’s even contradicting himself. Sometimes he feels that the year passed by slowly, and sometimes he looks back and doesn’t understand how he was able to live a whole year without you.

He needs you.

Fuck, he needs you so much, he still can’t believe he even insinuated that horrible night that he didn’t.

Life no longer has any purpose, and everyone around him is growing more concerned by the day, as this once optimistic man has left together with you, leaving in his place only a pessimistic, desperate person.

He realised how badly he wants to die exactly 6 months ago, when your sudden disappearance finally started sinking in for real. When he stopped bargaining with God or with whatever cruel higher power there might be in the sky to let you come back, even if just for 10 minutes, for enough time for him to kiss and hug you and tell you how much he’s missing you.

6 months ago, he started decorating his thighs with unsightly marks, some of them faded, other fresh. He can’t do it anywhere else, no matter how much he’d wished to cut his wrists open, for fear of anyone else noticing.

So, he takes his despair out on his poor thighs, pressing the small blade against his skin until he feels something, anything. Until blood starts pouring down and the shower’s water pools down at his feet completely red.

He winces in pain every time he does it, but at least he feels something different than the numbness that grows bigger and bigger in his heart, consuming everything in its way. His whole soul feels absorbed by it, crushed under the pressure.

On the rare occasions he’s not numb, he feels the immense grief your absence left. He now knows that you’ve not only taught him how to love, but also how it is to lose what you love, and it hurts. It’s excruciating, and his heart is being ripped apart still, each and every time he thinks of you, and your absence is tearing him apart from the inside out.

He is physically sick. His headaches are worse than ever. He can’t sleep. He can’t eat. He can’t do anything anymore. He doesn’t want to, either.

The only thing he wants is to die, but even this wish feels selfish. He sees the way his friends look at him, how they’re walking on eggshells around him, to not somehow mention anything that could trigger a bigger depressive episode than what he’s already going through. He only pushes through it because of them, because he knows how it feels to lose someone you truly love, and he doesn’t want them to have to live with this black hole in their chests.

But… the loneliness he feels is simply merciless. It’s pouring down on him like unyielding unforgiving rain, not showing him any pity, and so he tries to fills his days with something that would make him forget about the gap in his soul.

The company let him come back to work a while ago, but they didn’t plan any comeback for Stray Kids for the time being, nor are they planning any for the near future. He’s grateful they’re giving him time, because he’s in no shape or form ready to do anything, not when he’s withdrawn himself so much from everything he used to love.

It’s difficult to compose any up-beat songs, or any song, for that matter. It used to come naturally for him, but not anymore. Changbin and Jisung are doing their best to support him and make up for his lack of concentration, but it feels like he’s not bringing anything to the table anymore.

He’s missed practice over and over again. The Kids meet up every two days to dance to their older songs, and as they don’t have anything new to work with, they even started learning the dances of other popular songs, or creating choreographies that would fit western music. Chan never went. He stopped dancing 12 months ago, and he hasn’t even stepped in the practice room since you died, not even once.

He hasn’t sung since you died either, and no one said anything about it. No one blamed him at all. Not even his company, who he was sure was going to fire him in the first 6 months after your death.

They said they trust him, and that they’re going to give him as much time as he needs to recover. They talk about him like he’s sick, but he’s not sick. They don’t seem to understand that.

He’s not sick, he’s just devastated, and he doesn’t think he’s ever going to be able to live again, to sing and dance on stage and to work hard, because this is no longer his dream.

He only dreams of death, and the thoughts of it are the only ones bringing him any solace. His therapist said he needs more time, and he quoted Lois Tonkin more times than he can count. He said that life will soon begin to grow bigger around grief, and that the intense sadness he’s feeling is just another expression of love for you. One that is permanent, but that will diminish as time passes and as he starts enjoying life again.

He doesn’t believe any of it, though.

How could he begin to enjoy life again, with you not there by his side?

---

Acceptance

---

He met someone.

For the first time in years, he felt genuine happiness again.

It took him one more year to start reengaging in some of his older hobbies and in his work. He started gradually going to the gym with Changbin and Lee Know, and eventually felt ready to start dancing and singing again. Another year later, he was ready to get back on stage and face all his fans, who’ve thankfully shown an unwavering support of his journey with grief.

He started feeling a bit better, and even though you were on his mind all the time, he was no longer dwelling on the pain of the loss of you. Your memory started bringing him more happiness, and he started looking fondly at all the sweet moments you’ve both shared together.

He started appreciating being able to have met you, to have lived 5 beautiful years next to you, and even though he still feels it is unfair that you’ve been taken away from him so cruelly and way too early, he no longer blames himself.

He still regrets the argument you had on the night you passed away, but he started slowly coming to terms with the fact that there was nothing he could do about it anymore, no way to take his words back. He started accepting that this is the one regret he’s going to have to take to his grave with him.

It took him one more year to start embracing life again, to start looking forward to his future with Stray Kids and to start actively making plans. He realised there was so much more he wanted to accomplish, and his dreams started coming back to him little by little, with the support of his friends and family.

He’s met her two years later.

When it happened, he was still not ready to give love a second chance. He thought it was way too soon, that he was disrespecting you by catching feelings for someone else. He felt like he was emotionally cheating on you.

He decided it’s time to join a support group at the recommendation of his friend, and he’s met a lot of people of all ages: some younger than him, some way older. The way they spoke about their former partners warmed up his heart, and they made him realise that loving again is not an affront to your memory. He can still keep loving you while loving someone else as well. He can still honour your memory.

He opened up to her, and he’s told her all about you. She wanted to know who you were, and she even visited your grave with him, holding his hand and talking to you at your gravestone. She told you she loves him and thanked you for being there for him while you were still alive, for giving him precious memories to hold onto.

She apologized for life being so unfair and taking you away from Chris so abruptly, and she assured you she’s going to take care of him to the best of her abilities.

She was really patient with him. She gave him as much time as he needed to come to terms with his feelings. He let him set the pace on what he was comfortable with doing. The first time they slept together was after more than one year of dating, but she didn’t mind waiting for as long as he felt necessary.

She loved him, and he loved her.

He proposed to her almost two years later, and they welcomed a child one year after their wedding.

He visited your grave on your 10th death anniversary with his son in his stroller, a baby boy he’s given your favourite name. You were still present in his thoughts, and his love for you never subsided.

He now simply has additional people to love and to grow old with, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t miss you still.

~

He decided to visit your grave again, even if walking has become a bit too difficult. Still, he manages the way from the car until your grave just fine, even if he has to support himself with a crane.

He is now old enough to be called ‘grandpa’, and not just as a joke between him and his friends. His hands are shaking, and his legs are a bit wobbly; his face is adorned with deep lines and creases, his forehead is wrinkly, and each fine line contributes to his now years-long life and experiences. The skin dropped around his cheeks, but every lady in the nursing home assures him he’s still a handsome man.

Your grave is no longer as tidy and beautifully adorned with fresh flowers. The soil has been overtaken by weeds and is in dear need of cleansing. He hasn’t visited in a while, unfortunately, his health issues making it a tad too hard, and with your parents long gone, there is no one else to take care of your resting place.

He makes a mental note to hire someone to clean it up and plant some flowers, but for the time being, he simply sets the bouquet of rose peonies in the small, chipped vase next to your headstone.

The inscription in the once immaculate marble is no longer as visible, but he doesn’t need to read it in order to recognise Immortality by Clare Harner. He still remembers the poem by heart, and also all sorts of other small, insignificant things, like your old phone number that’s been disconnected decades ago.

He looks at your smiling picture, the one he took when you’ve just graduated from university, and he realises as if for the first time how young you were.

He’s grown old; he has multiple wrinkles, his skin sagged everywhere, and his body went through each transformation it was supposed to when advancing in years.

But you?

You’ve stayed young. You’ve stayed beautiful, cheerful, smiling. Your face stayed clear of any creases.

You’ve remained just as he remembers you.

You are immortal.

“I’m sorry for not coming in a while.” He speaks with a soft smile on his face.

“That’s fine. You are probably very tired.”

He swears he could hear your voice. Maybe the poem is right, and the whispers of the wind transform in your saccharine voice he’s so dearly missed.

“I’m truly sorry for what I’ve said.” He continues, feeling the need to apologize again for his harsh words that night. No matter how many years have passed and how many time he’s already apologised, he’s never forgiven himself.

“But I’ve forgiven you long ago.” The wind whispers, and he closes his eyes and nods his head.

“I still love you. I’ve never stopped loving you. I hope you know that.”

“I know.” The sunlight caresses his back, warming him up as the wind strengthens. “And I’m waiting for you, whenever you’re ready to meet me, my love.”

~The End~

---

(A/N)  Obligatory song: 11 minutes by Halsey and YUNGBLUD.

When my best friend showed me this song, I immediately fell in love with the concept of the music video, that’s based on the five stages of grief. I thought to myself that I simply must write a story like this, but of course, that was months ago and I’ve completely forgotten about it, as I usually do with most random ideas that come to mind that I don’t write down lol.

I couldn’t really sleep for the past few nights, so my mind kept brewing ideas and scenarios to keep me busy and hopefully lull me to sleep.

It didn’t work, because the five stages of grief came to mind and I knew I had to immediately write a story about it and not let the idea go this time, so I got out of bed at like 6:30 am and wrote and wrote on and off for a total of 13 hours, until this 10k words of pure despair have been created.

I hope you enjoyed it even though it probably sent you spiralling into depression. Thank you for reading nonetheless!

Love,

Storm

---

Alternative Ending

---

Chris's head is pounding with pain as he opens his eyes and realises that the place looks eerily familiar.

His neck starts hurting the moment he sits up in his chair, but he doesn’t pay the pain much mind, as he is more confused than ever. He recognises the place as his old studio back when he was still working at JYPE. How many years ago was that? Way too many.

The confusion only intensifies when he looks at his hands and sees them devoid of any wrinkles and dark spots, and he immediately gets alerted. He pinches his skin, as if to see if it would hurt, and the pain comes immediately. If this is a dream, it’s a way too realistic one.

He sees his phone lying on the table and stretches to grab it, and once he unlocks it, the picture of you, his favourite, is staring back at him. He swears he was at the cemetery and saw this exact picture on your gravestone just the other day.

The next wave of confusion comes when he notices the date and time. It’s way past 12PM, and the date is your death anniversary, the same year you passed. Only this time around, his phone is not flooding with notifications. The only unread messages are from you, and you seem worried.

“I can’t believe you didn’t come home last night. Do you really want to break up?”

He shoots up the moment he reads it and stops overthinking, dialling your number instead. If this is really a dream, he’s happy he gets to see you one last time.

“Yes.” You answer, your tone slightly annoyed.

“Babe.” His eyes swell up with tears when he hears your voice.

“What?”

“I love you.” He bursts into crying. “I love you. I’m so, so sorry for what I’ve said last night. I need you more than anything. Where are you? At home?”

“Wow, I was expecting you to apologise, but…” You chuckle briefly. “Yes. Are you coming for lunch?”

“Yeah.” He wipes his tears. “I’m coming. Please wait for me.”

“Of course. Love you.”

“Love you.”

~

Chris has never run as fast to his car before. He barely sees the roads and even if it’s been decades, he still remembers the drive between your shared former apartment and the studio. He gets back home in 10 minutes, a record, as the drive usually takes him 20 at least.

He types in your old passcode, and as the door opens, you’re there.

You’re there.

He can’t believe it.

You’re there, alive, and breathing. There are no empty plates and half-drunk glasses of water stained by your lipstick on the table. He looks at the sink, and they’re currently drying. You’ve washed them.

There is no box of tampons on the counter, no jewellery on the coffee table. Your hairbrush is clean, your face serums rearranged. The bed is made.

You’ve cleaned up.

“Hey, you okay?” You ask after you follow him erratically moving from room to room.

“I’m… oh, God. Baby, come here.” He comes and hugs you tightly, starting to cry again.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” You frown, a bit taken aback by his behaviour. Sure, you’ve fought, but still.

“How… how did you get home last night?”

“Well, initially I was super upset and wanted to walk back home to clear my mind, but I saw a cab in front of the building and the driver called my name, so I assumed you ordered me one. Didn’t you?”

“I… oh, my God. I can’t believe this.” Chris cries even harder, hugging you tighter, until you eventually pull back, truly concerned.

He starts kissing you, apologising over and over and over, and he’s never felt more grateful.

You’re alive. He’s been given a second chance.

[best-chaotic-neutral]

The cult music from Far Cry 5 was extremely well done in my opinion. Not only do you have a composer version that very accurately represents the vibe of each of the Seeds, but the choir version sounds so full of genuine emotion that you can close your eyes and imagine a gaggle of Peggies holding hands and singing these songs together every day at church.

In the composer versions you can clearly imagine John singing in “Let The Water Wash Away Your Sins” even if it doesn’t sound like the voice actors voice, it captures his mannerisms in the way he holds back a bit when he’s being expressive, until it gets to be too much and he just lets it all out.

You can feel Jacob singing “Build A Castle” because the singer captures his serious and commanding tone, like the persona that hides the deeply troubled man underneath.

You can imagine Joseph singing “Now He’s Our Father” to his followers as he embellishes certain details to make himself look good and the people in these scenarios look evil for going against him. He truly believes that he can do no wrong because he’s been chosen by God.

You can take in the walk in the bliss with Faith as she sings “Help Me Faith” and tells you her sob story to make you think she’s totally not being manipulated by Joseph

I don’t know if all the people involved in developing the soundtrack played the game, but they captured the characters essence so masterfully it’s wonderful. It doesn’t have to be the characters voice actor singing, you can tell by the way they emote through the performers vocals.

[nari-nim]

yeosang as your boyfriend

nari note: kicking off the bf series with this king. who do you want to see next? creds for gif goes to @holy-yeosang​

Let’s be honest, you might have to make the first move with him

But it’s worth it because yeosang is actually such boyfriend material

He takes comfort in established familiarity and warm-heartedness, so likes taking things slow and understanding your personality more than anything

Shy boi at first even as y’all are dating

It can take a long time to reach the point he’s super comfortable. 

But please be patient with him because he really has super intense and strong feelings for you

Super playful and chaotic once he feels max comfortable around you!!

Type to be quiet around others but then rambles nonstop with you. Would be so funny too, he has so many hot takes he was holding in 

Can be unpredictable, but not in a bad way! 

More like he just stares at you in such a straight face until you get slightly worried, but he just feeds you three pocky sticks, kisses your lips as you are munching in confusion, and then leaves

Also please he’s so funny??? Like it’s not the type of humor like Wooyoung who just is so loud and makes everyone laugh, but the type where he makes such snarky or intellectual jabs at the situation/those around him

So it just ends up with the two of your snickering on the side

So many inside jokes

So much laughter, always 

Definitely the type to tease you as his form of flirting

Enjoys personal attention and lots of eye contact when talking about literally anything that comes to mind

Really likes just sitting with you somewhere cozy and talking about life for hours and hours on end

Once he’s comfortable, he’s actually so adorably expressive and unafraid to return PDA

While he may struggle with emotional expression at times, physical affection can stand in loving words for him

While not as touchy as San or Wooyoung, he isn’t afraid to have the two of you be in your own world

Sits close to you at any given opportunity and quietly takes care of you

Like offering you snacks first, moves your hair behind your ears, urges you to wrap you arms around his, gives you his jacket

He’s the type to love you quietly

Actions speak louder than words, and his actions are so incredibly thoughtful and attentive

For example, he may not be tripping over himself to tell you just how much he loves you 24/7 but he never fails to open soft drinks for you after the one time your nail broke in front of him when you tried to pry the metal tab open, he literally ignores the group chat but makes sure he bids you good morning and good night because he’s seen how happy they make you feel, etc

Ok but he is so kind even if he rarely voices it. You can absolutely count on him to be there for emotional and practical support whenever it’s needed.

Very trusting in the relationship

He is really understanding of you having friends/a life outside of him so he’s less likely to get jealous

Really rational in disagreements

Sometimes it can get hard to read his expressions, so it’s important you both learn to communicate a lot to keep the relationship healthy! He’s actually really good at voicing his thoughts and opinions well once he has the space to do so

Values reciprocation

Will do aegyo to make you blush or sway things in his favor. And then will proceed to hide his face immediately after

please he is Adorable

You’re his hype man. He will also then get super shy, but loves every single second of it. Secretly wants you to hype him up nonstop

I think he secretly really enjoys words of affirmation as his primary love language (receiving).

Compliments can be a little rare from him, so when he does compliment you, you know he really means it!! 

And he will roast you

Sometimes, he has his fun by occasionally starting some verbal sparring followed by intense making up. 

Like he’ll choose a topic and say something so wild about it just to see your expression. Pushes your buttons a little before either one of you has to shut the other up through a make out session or a bet

Just very trustworthy, loyal, loving and faithful as a whole uwu

NSFW after this

With that being said, he’s a switch

I don’t see power play being as big of deal for him tbh, he likes to go with the flow with what you both feel like during the moment

literally his preference to dom or sub may actually depend on you and the dynamic of the relationship

when he’s dom, he’s soft or hard depending on the mood as well

but ngl I’m leaning on that hard dom agenda

Sex with him can start out a bit vanilla at first

He’s so careful and wants you to be comfy :’)

But give it a few rounds and lots of communication, his kinky ass will take over

Takes a lot of joy in pleasing you, and can take this to an extreme where he just wants to watch you cum again and again and again from his touch

Um can be a bit of a sadist 

Type to ask you if it hurts while overstimulating you and says ��good” when you moan in affirmation 

Secretly has a thing to see you cry 

Also really likes edging

He likes driving you so desperate to the point you’re begging him to let you cum

As you’re reaching and moaning for him he’ll say in a teasing tone “oh really, what do you want? You want my cock? Hm? Is that it?” 

Just to hear your pleady whines

That mocking tone will send shivers down anyone’s spine 

Oh My God you cannot tell me he won’t have a degradation kink (giving)

Also the type to be like “use your words” while he’s going down on you and then proceed to suck your clit extra hard, making you unable to form coherent sounds through your loud moans. It then becomes his excuse to edge you for yet another round because you didn’t use your words, did you?

Whew, anyways

Grab onto his biceps while he rails into you and notice how they flex underneath you as he starts pounding harder in response

Likes to show off his gains by pushing you up against a wall 

Also likes it when you top him

Likes hearing you really vocal, even though he’s more on the quieter side when he isn’t dirty talking

Usually just groans when hitting an extra sensitive spot or when you give a particularly good blowjob that day

Likes having you go down on him as foreplay, but prefers penetration as an end goal

Into the classic missionary and launchpad positions so he can see your expression clearly as he overstimulates/edges you

Likes seeing you look up at him through those teary eyes <3

But also very into doggy style

Likes fucking you into the sheets in general, so any position adjacent to that is on his favorites list

um his fingering game is so strong

In the mornings, likes slowly fucking you from behind while spooning you so he can also grab onto your tits or play with your clit

His end goal always is to make you feel so fucking good, it just manifests differently than service tops like Seonghwa or Yunho

Very private about your sex life and not into public sex at all

Possessive in that way. Only he can touch you like that, see you like that, hear your moans like that, etc

Likes hearing you confirm that 

“Only I can make you scream like this”

“Who fucks you this good, huh?”

“C’mon, say it louder.” 

Has one hell of a degradation kink (giving) me thinks

Likes it when you talk back, lowkey likes brat taming when he’s in a dom mood

But does like teasing you in public and keeping it like that until you both find a bedroom, gets off on the idea of you both having to hide your neediness in public

Very little people expect that from just seeing you both together in regular settings 

But little do they know despite the two of you innocently sitting together eating brunch with the team, leaving a few inches for jesus, y’all just had the freakiest sex before getting there. Like you’re literally shifting around in your seat as the soreness kicks in, and Yeosang is smirking ever so slightly at your discomfort

Will rest a heavy head on your upper thigh for a few seconds, brushing his pinky finger against your clothed clit through the thin fabric of your outfit, as he reaches for the bread basket 

Likes hearing that little gasp leaving your lips

Knows he’s leaving you very frustrated and will use that to his advantage later

The whole time, he has the most innocent, fair expression on his face

when he’s a sub tho?

similar vibes. wants you to feel good. 

Still wants to dirty talk, but it’s far more subservient now

one quick way to get him into subspace

if you push him far enough, then he’s so pouty and clingy and fucking cute

It’s so rare to see him like this but always such a treat

favorite positions is to have you ride him and he’ll play with your tits

or he’s still fucking you into the sheets but you are 100% in control

Just imagine him all whiny and teary as he fucks into you, begging you to let him cum as your clench your walls purposely around him, making him yelp as he tries to still his shaking thighs to wait for your signal

actually can be quite obedient as a sub

truly will do his best to be your good boy 

Anyways, aftercare is pretty good with him. He’s very caring and gentle and checks in a lot with you (he better, usually he fucks quite a few rounds out of you)

If he’s fucked out tho, make sure he is also taken care of! As a sub, he follows your orders so well so he’ll probably fall asleep so fast after intensely cumming for the nth time 

At the very least wipes you both down clean with a warm washcloth and kisses you to sleep

Likes spooning you at the end :’)

give him his cuddles </3

masterlist

[return-of-a-space-cowboy]

Yandere halloween ask yandere mad scientist! Bruno uses mind control chip to get darling to be the perfect spouse?

This ask right here made my mouth froth, I love Stepford wives so this ask just rolled along perfectly. Anyway enjoy!

This love

(Yandere mad scientist Bruno X female reader)

You had always thought so highly of Dr Buccirati, you were his apprentice after all but there were times that you thought he just went a little too far with his work and this was one of them.

As he explained to you about how he made a chip that could modify an animal's behaviour. How the chip was planted in the rat's brain that you were holding.

"See (Y/n), look at how tame she is now" he said as he petted the poor creature's head.

"What do you intend to do with what you have learnt?" You asked with anger in your words.

"I intend to have the chip used to help with the conservation of the many animals that are close to being extinct. The animals will have the procedure and be put into captivity, they'll have no more issues with stress or aggressive behaviours which allows for them to be safely cared for and less risk during the reproduction cycle" he explained.

"So what you are saying is that you're going to be suppressing their natural survival instincts so they become domesticated?" You asked with a bitter taste on your tongue.

"That's exactly it, they'll have a safe place to repopulate and have nothing to worry about" he answered as he expressed his delight but it only made you grit your teeth in anger.

"I'm disgusted by what you are doing! You're essentially performing a lobotomy on these poor animals! You're playing god and taking away the emotions of a living creature!" You yelled at him.

"I've helped you work on some crazy things before… but I cross the line here!" You continued as you put the rat down in her cage before folding your arms at Bruno.

"Come on (y/n), you're overreacting… what I'm, no what we are working on is going to change history. So many species will be saved from becoming extinct. we will be two of the greatest scientific minds the world has ever know" he held your shoulder and lightly massaged it as he tried to convince you that there was no wrong in it.

"I don't know why you insist that this is a joint effort but I don't want anything to do with it, if people figure out how it works then it won't be long before this is used on humans… how many corrupt governments do you think would love to have this kind of technology used on their own people?" You rebuttal.

you glared at Bruno as you could see his usually calm demeanor wearing thin. He had his hands gripping his short black locks.

"(Y/n) the truth is that I love you, more than I could love anyone else. I want you to be by my side and I want you to be my equal…" he as his grip on you grew tighter.

"You are so intelligent and so beautiful… I just want you to do your best" he continued.

You pulled away the male with a shocked expression plastered on your face.

"Bruno… I didn't know you felt that way about me but I'm afraid I don't share the same feelings, I just don't think the chemistry is there between us" you told him before you headed to your bedroom.

🧪🧪🧪

You had decided you needed to cut ties from Bruno and finally begin your own work. You don't think anything could keep you working with him now. You began to pack your clothes back into your suitcase.

"(Y/n) are you planning on leaving now?" He asked as he rested himself against the door frame, he seemed to have recollected himself but to you something was off about his almost carefree tone.

"I intend to leave tomorrow" you said as you sat on your bed and folded your clothing.

"Don't you think you're blowing this out of proportion, can't we put the breaks on just talk about this over some tea..." he said as he slowly drew closer to you.

"I understand that you're upset and I didn't make things much better" he continued calmly before violently grabbing your hand causing you to fall back onto the bed before you heard a metallic click. You screamed as you tried to pull your hand back to find it was handcuffed to the head of the bed.

"What the hell?!" You screamed at Bruno who was now on top of you.

"I'm sorry that it had to come to this but I can't let you leave" he said.

"I love you too much to let you go… you're too good for this world" he continued.

You felt your stomach twist horribly and your vocal cords seize up. Your eyes were wide with horror.

"I dealt with my unrequited love for so long, I tried to just to put my feelings aside for you but I feel like if I keep it up any longer I'll explode" he rambled you tried to push him with your free hand but he was quick to hold it down.

🧪🧪🧪

It had been a month since he'd locked you up. You were curled up with your knees to your chest, you could see every little mark he'd ever left on your body, you still felt the sting that each love bite left on your skin. Today was cold and the chain and cuff around your ankle made it worse as you shivered in a silk nightgown.

You flinched as you heard the front door open. You had hoped that maybe that was anyone but Bruno, someone that could free you from this place. You heard a pair of footsteps draw closer, your hope dying as the same pattern tore into your brain… you knew he was home.

"(Y/n) I'm home" his voice was cheerful as he opened the door.

"I'm sorry I was later than usual… I found so many things I thought you'd like" he explained as he walked in with a large bag in his hand before placing it on the bed. You were hesitant to look but his sapphire eyes stared at you in anticipation, making your skin crawl.

You grabbed the bag and the first thing you pulled out was a 50s style white and black polka dotted dress. You looked at Bruno with a forced smile on your face.

"Bruno this is really nice but I've never really been a fan of dresses" you told him. He didn't respond. You pulled out another similar dress before picking out various boxes with golden jewelry till there was one more box inside, however it was rectangular in shape unlike the others. You pulled it out only to gasp in horror as you gazed upon the packaging of a pregnancy test. You looked back at him.

At this point you knew something was wrong, your stomach was telling you.

"What's going on?" You asked him with shakey words.

"I just need you to take it" he responded.

"Why?" 

"I need to know whether or not you're pregnant, it's urgent"

"Urgent, what's urgent?!" You yelled at him.

"You're being extremely vague, it's scaring me" you replied, unsure of what was so urgant. You really hoped you weren't, having to live knowing your child was of his blood.

"Just take it please, wouldn't you like to know as well?" He begged.

You had a bad feeling about this but if you knew now then you could try to do something about it if it did come back positive. You let out a defeated sigh as you unboxed the test.

"See you didn't need to make such a big deal about it dear" he said in a light hearted tone as he walked towards the bed and unlocked the shackle on your leg and allowed you to go to the bathroom.

You felt the relief wash over you as you saw the results. It was negative, perhaps you were getting yourself all worked up.

"(Y/n) dearest, what's the results?" Bruno asked from outside the bathroom door. You opened it and showed him, his eyes lit up with joy as he hugged you which was very odd indeed, you assumed he'd had baby fever… if that was the case shouldn't he be disappointed.

You recoiled as you felt a sharp jab on the inner side of your elbow. You saw the now empty syringe in his hand.

"What are you doing?!" You screamed as you stumbled back from his grasp. He looked at the syringe and let out a content hum before his eyes returned to you.

He contemplated on whether he should tell you or not but at this point you couldn't do anything to stop him so there was no point in hiding it.

"I remember back on the night you tried to leave fondly, in hindsight you gave me the most brilliant idea" he explained.

"That whole talk on how my chip could work on humans was really inspiring, so I'm going to do just that… if you won't love me like this, then I can just make you love me" he continued as a smile grew on his lips.

The shock hit you as he explained it all, it horrified you to imagine it. It shook you to the very core. Everything else seemed like a luxury in comparison to losing everything.

"Bruno, please don't do this! I love you so much!" You screamed as you draped your body over him.

"My dear I love you so much… I'll stay with you forever… I'll give you as many children as you want, please oh please don't do this!" You were practically sobbing as you tried to pull on his strings.

"I'll do anything for you, anything at all!" You continued as you felt everything becoming numb, he had you in his hands and he could do anything he wanted to you.

"Please Bruno, we can put this all behind us and start over… you never imprisoned me, you never did those things to me… we can be the happiest couple!" You pleaded to him as your eyelids grow heavy.

"Please… please… I won't be the same person you feel in love with if you do this…" your screams turned into a mutter and as you tried to fight off the deep abyss of unconsciousness you swore you could see a glimpse of your whole life with every slow blink.

🧪🧪🧪

"What you've made is amazing Bruno, you should be proud of your work" the man in front of Bruno complimented his work.

"Thank you sir, to be honest I wouldn't be here showing you this if it wasn't for my wonderful wife" he said as he beamed with joy.

"Oh, your wife must be an amazing woman to help you" the man replied.

"Yes she is. She always gave me the right idea when I was unsure, she'd be here with us right now if it weren't for the upcoming baby. She's just been so ecstatic about it since we found out" he stated as he had his head in his hand. He was over the moon with joy, he couldn't talk to someone without bringing up the fact that he was going to be a father soon.

"Oh congratulations, how long till it's due?" The male congratulated him.

"Oh it's close, we're expecting around October… It's hard to imagine that I'll be a father in two months"

"And how's the lucky lady feeling about this? My wife was pretty worried before our first" he asked.

"Oh she's been great, she's been taking it all in stride. I haven't seen her sick or having any mood swings like what most of us tend to expect" Bruno chuckled as he slumped back into his chair.

"We should probably get back on topic… I should probably explain how these chips work in detail"

[beelspillowpet]

The Boys Reacting to MC Telling Someone Off!

You go, MC! You don’t take shit from anyone!!

The scenario is that some stranger is being racist/ homophobic/ sexist/ transphobic towards you, and you SNAP!

Note: In Belphie’s prompt you can still be Gender Neutral, but I had to imagine AMAB for it’s contents. Forgive me!

~

Lucifer

Lucifer was walking you home from RAD. You stayed a little late after the meeting to finish up a bit of homework. On the walk home, a car pulled and started driving at your walking pace, howling suggestive obscenities at you.

How rude. Didn’t these lowlifes know that it’s disrespectful to catcall? He grits his teeth angrily, glancing at you out of the corner of his eye. Poor you, you must be so uncomfortable.

Not. You stop in place, which causes them to slam on the breaks of their car. Before they can start asking for your number or to get in the car with you, you go off. You’re much more reserved with your voice, but your tone is frightening. Lucifer hearing you be so eloquent in describing what you’d do to them if they ever bothered you again was not something he expected he’d enjoy hearing. But here he is.

Pride? UP! It seems you got some backbone in you, threatening demons like that. He’s glad you are adjusting to life in the Devildom so well.

Mammon

You and Mammon were enjoying your time at the casino. He usually goes alone but this time you managed to convince him to come with you.

The dealer at your table has been giving you both shifty eyes for a while now. Mammon’s luck is just getting worse and worse. He doesn’t seem to entirely notice it yet, blind through his frustrations, but you pick it apart quickly. The dealer is intentionally giving you both bad hands.

You nudge Mammon at the start of another round. His eyes follow yours to the dealer and suddenly he’s watching them like a hawk. After that round was lost, he’s about to pop a gasket.

Seeing Mammon angry wasn’t anything new, but the expression on his face made his anger contagious. He slammed the cards down on the table and went off before a word left Mammon’s mouth. he watched you with such passion, calling the dealer out. Needless to say, he’s glad you tagged along with him that night.

Leviathan

You both were at an Anime Convention. You decided to cosplay as one of Leviathan’s favorite characters from an anime you both picked up recently.

You both were enjoying your time there, taking photos, and shaking hands with other cosplayers and fans. You even got a few gifts as a thank you for some of the photos.

It was when one of the “fans” came up and asked for a photo that the problem started. They put their arm around you, and leaned in uncomfortably close. Levi watched from where he sat as the two of you began to take the photo. He heard a racial slur uttered from the fan and nearly lunged at them to attack.

What stopped him however was you, shoving them away and shouting about how disrespectful and unfunny that was. Levi watched with glee, his Henry being so brave in the face of bullies! Afterwards, he asked if you were alright, and treated you to a nice lunch away from all the noise.

Satan

You and Satan were both enjoying your time at a cat café. He seemed particularly invested in a kitten that curled up at his foot and was now purring. A grouchy older woman seemed irritated that a man was so emotionally invested in a kitten.

Satan was used to these comments. He learned by now to ignore them, and didn’t seem bothered by it at all. He was much more occupied petting the sweet kitten, who he almost wanted to take home with him had Lucifer not banned him from keeping pets.

You on the other hand, were not having it. You turned in your seat to the older woman and asked what her problem was. This caught Satan off guard, who figured up until now you were ignoring her too. Apparently not.

Things escalated and the woman, feeling threatened, decided to leave on her own accord. Pride wasn’t his sin, but to say he wasn’t proud of you for standing up for him nonetheless was very much appreciated. At least he knew he could count on you.

Asmodeus

You and Asmo were at a huge party in town. There were some party-goers who were extremely drunk, and weren’t very fond of Asmo’s dress matching with yours. They commented specifically about how men shouldn’t be wearing dresses.

Asmo has dealt with people like this before, so he’s quick to ignore their comments. Arguing has only made these sorts of situations more stressful for him, and it’s not like he cares too much about what disgusting people think of him. He’s assured of his beauty by thousands, he doesn’t care what bad apples have to say!

You, on the other hand, do. And Asmo loves you for it. You immediately slam the breaks on whatever you were doing, turn to the two drunk party-goers, and yell at them that if they don’t like the way Asmo dresses, they should just leave. Asmo is loved by many humans, demons, and even angels, and no one loves people who treat others with no respect based on how they dress.

The argument goes on for just a bit longer before the drunkards are escorted out. Asmo has never been happier in his life. You didn’t need to, but you stood up for him. And even confirmed for him that yes- the world loves him for who he is and what he does. He’s sure to go all out (as if he was ever holding back) on the dresses, skirts, and bows now more than ever, thanks to you!

Beelzebub

You and Beelzebub were are Ristorante Six, enjoying a meal together. It had been a long day after Beel’s game and he was starving. More than usual. He casually ordered at least five of everything on the menu.

It’s not like you were just barely eating yourself. You had gone through a few plates as well, unashamed of how much food you were able to put away. it was nothing compared to Beel, but he liked that you weren’t afraid to go all out on food as well!

HOWEVER, one disgruntled couple a few tables down did not seem fond of that. You heard a few comments here and there about your “piggish” behavior. Beel seemed to notice and was quite irritated about what he was hearing. He even stopped eating at certain points to be sure he was hearing right.

He was about to throw something at them in a fit of rage before you stopped him. You spun around in your chair and shot the couple a menacing glare. When you spoke, you were firm and terrifying, telling them to mind their own business and move away if they can’t handle you enjoying yourself with your favorite demon. Beel never seemed so happy to hear you standing up so firmly for yourself.

Belphegor

You and Belphie were waiting at the bus stop. You both wanted to get home as soon as possible to get some well needed rest after a long day at RAD. Absentmindedly, you sat in Belphie’s lap and he wrapped his arms around you. You couldn’t help but notice the disgruntled person who was also waiting at the bus stop with you.

Belphie wasn’t having that shit. Instantly was ready to pop off the second he realized that person had a problem with you in his lap. He snarled, showing his clear frustrations.

You stopped him calmly, by patting the top of his head and shushing him. He gave a mild complaint, but you continued to silence him, telling him that it was alright. You’ll handle this. He wasn’t sure what you meant until you stood up, and grabbed the person,

You were telling them that if they’ve got a problem with you and Belphie, then at least be brave enough to be more vocal about how much of an idiot they are. Your relentless tirade went on until the bus arrived, and by then the person was afraid of getting on the bus with you. Belphie was glad he had you to call his.

[glowingbadger]

FE3H misc. spicy HCs

I did a handful of general spicy headcanons for some of my FE3H favs a while back as a break from an ongoing fic I was working on, so I figured I'd post that over here too. Linhardt, Felix, Lorenz, Seteth, Jeritza

x gender neutral reader

18+ NSFW v

Linhardt:

Not a very high sex drive, but when the mood strikes it's fierce- though even if you're together for years you might not be able to tell he's horny until the moment he says something blunt and unabashedly lewd about wanting you immediately.  He’s very comfortable initiating.

Usually a bottom, as you'd imagine, but a power bottom of sorts; he feels completely at ease communicating exactly what he wants, what feels good, etc, and loves to be able to watch your body move above him.

Will learn your every single weakness, turn-on and sensitive spot and utilize them mercilessly.  He's absolutely fascinated by the minutiae of pleasuring you, mentally noting even small changes in your breathing or tone of voice.

Not very experienced to start, but a very fast learner

While not outlandishly kinky, he's open minded, and willing to try just about anything once- provided it's not too strenuous

Can become entranced and even aroused by seemingly odd, innocuous things- it's not unusual for him to catch an interesting color in your eyes, or a quirk in how you walk or move your hands when you talk, and find himself needing to express his affection for you directly

Very good with his hands, and very invested in foreplay; he becomes so enamoured with the subtle pleasures of touching and tasting you that it may be agonizingly long before it occurs to him to actually seek out his own climax.  He’s gentle in a way that’s almost unbearable, all making him something of an unintentional tease.

Felix:

Somewhat high sex drive, once he's with someone he's comfortable with- he's kept himself from intimacy for so long that he's a starved man with someone he actually likes

By the same token, he's not likely to come out and say when he's turned on. Fortunately for you, he's also not good at hiding it, becoming unusually handsy and a bit territorial with you when his physical needs arise.

Not very vocal during sex, but what moans he actually let’s himself make are raw, desperate and lustful.  Similarly, he’s not much one for dirty talk, since he’s generally focused entirely on the physical sensations, but you might catch him muttering “yes” or “mine” against your neck.

He secretly loves it when you tease him, but loves it even more when you're too dizzy with pleasure to speak clearly enough to give him sass.  He loves watching your expressions, always aiming for that post-coital dazed and over-fucked smile.

Sex is generally energetic and passionate, sometimes even a bit competitive; you may try to see who can resist cumming for longer, or wrestle to see who ends up topping.

He likes marking you with hickies, scratches, etc.  While not outwardly possessive, he does like to know that you're his (and vice versa)

He's surprisingly weak to compliments and praise, especially if it feels sincere.  Bonus points for moaning his name, or picking up on small details of what he enjoys and so on.  Basically anything that makes it abundantly clear that it's him that you want to be with and that he makes you feel incredible.

Even he is caught off-guard by how much it turns him on to see his partner being strong in any sense- strong willed, physically strong, anything that impresses him about his SO is also likely to deeply arouse him.  It’s especially gratifying to be on top of such a strong person and make them dazed and spaced-out with pleasure.

Lorenz:

An average sex drive, but he'll restrain himself for fear of propriety for ages before initiating anything more scandalous than kissing.

By that token, he’s extremely fun to tease, conspicuously blushing and stuttering over even light touches or a brief kiss on his neck.  In truth, he gets a real thrill out of this, but only admits this to you after a particularly brazen incident where you steal him away in an empty corridor for some heavy kissing and rubbing him from atop his clothing, then free him to go about his business for the day completely wound up and frazzled.

Certainly the type to “make love” rather than fuck, unless he were with someone for long enough that they would request something more rough from him, and he trusted that they would instruct him.

Adores spoiling his lover; scented oils, massages, long hot baths, the works.  Your pleasure is his foremost priority.  As such, he takes instruction very well- more than happy to do exactly as you say and revelling in any moans or words of encouragement he can earn from you.

He finds it ungentlemanly to be on the bottom and “make you do all the work” unless you really insist.  Generally, he’s more of a service top.

Loves giving his partner oral and could easily keep at it until you need him to make love to you.  Your taste, touching your lower body, the sounds you make- he’s absolutely intoxicated by every part of going down on you.

Somewhat surprisingly, he’s more than happy to indulge in dirty talk, but less surprisingly, it tends to be deeply poetic and romantic.  That being said, he’s more than happy to hear you utter any sort of filthy words he may inspire in you, as it means he’s performing well.

Seteth:

This is probably showing my favoritism, but my personal very headcanon-y headcanon is that Nabatean men are better endowed, have greater stamina and “fecundity,” and so on compared to humans, given being like near-godlike themselves (at least at full power) and since, even before the massacre, there didn’t seem to be many of them overall, so greater fertility would be a valued trait.  But really this just comes down to me being hot for Seteth, okay?  Just let me have this.

He’s fairly sexually flexible, given how long he’s been around, but it will take a long while before he’s ready to let himself express his (predictably pent up and frustrated) desires for you openly.

Once the physical part of the relationship has started to open up, however, he’s intense, focused, and thorough.  He wants to touch every part of you, hold you as close as he can, and satisfy you utterly and completely.

A big post-sex cuddler, as he’s got strong protective instincts and wants you close and safe.  Even more so if the sex got really rough and you’re both coming down from that high.

While there’s certainly a bit of a “repressed beast” situation in regards to his libido, he’ll generally let his partner take the lead in suggesting kinks or experimentations.

He’s a Switch and enjoys power play- either pinning you down and verbally dominating you, or begging to be tied up and used.  It never gets overly violent, but the psychological element of a sub-dom relationship plays into his authoritative personality.

He has a strict “no physical contact during work hours” policy, but if you catch him working late into the night once everyone else is gone, you may become very familiar with the surface of his desk.

Jeritza:

Similar to Felix, his sex drive can be pretty high, but only after the long and difficult process of getting him to actually open up to someone.  Once he’s come around to actually liking a person, however, he’s deeply enamoured with their body.

An odd mixture of sweet and intense- catching you in deep, erotic kisses, but also more than happy to fuck you into the mattress or against a wall.

He loves to affect your body in any way he can.  He wants to know how much he turns you on, hear your moans, feel your body tense and your nails along his back and through his hair.  Overall, he responds very well to an active and expressive lover who will show him exactly how much they want him.

You’re gonna have to find a way of coping with the Death Knight, unfortunately.  This is why Jeritza is actually not as “violent” as you may expect in bed, as that can trigger a personality lapse, and the Death Knight is absolutely a fighter and not a lover.

Can actually be pretty damn kinky, even initiating some new things that you may not have expected.  That said, he refuses to tie you up, for fear of slipping up and hurting you.  He’s perfectly alright with being tied up, though he remarks that it’s fairly silly, given he could easily break out.  In fact, breaking out of restraints might become part of the kink itself.

Pretty big into food play- he definitely wants to lick up ice cream or syrup off of your body, and will absolutely lose himself in the sensory experience of it all.

After a battle, he especially craves intimacy, as being raw and passionate with another person who he somehow cares for tethers him to feeling “alive” and being Jeritza, rather than the childlike Emile of his past, or the bloodthirsty Death Knight in his psyche.

[brainrot-the-frog]

Arguments with the Hashira

《I only did *some* of the Pillars!》

《The Pillars x S/O HCs | Arguing》

《Giyuu Tomioka》

— Giyuu is not going to know how to act when you two have a genuine heated argument, if he's angry he's going to try his best to conceal his feelings which makes the situation much worse as you two continue on. He'd probably snap depending on how serious the conversation is.

— Now here's the thing, if you were the one in the right it's going to take a while for him to admit and apologize, however if you two stop talking you'll catch him staring at you like a lost puppy. He doesn't know how to convey his feelings and opinions very well but he'll sure as hell try if you two haven't talked in days.

— "I'm sorry for what I said.. I shouldn't have yelled like that..."

— Now if he was the one in the right then this is going to go very differently, he'll wait for you to apologize to him. Often giving you the cold shoulder and waiting for you to be vocal, you were the one in the wrong- he shouldn't be the first to apologize after your argument, he'll still say sorry for getting vocal though.

— "I forgive you.. I'm sorry as well."

— If you both were in the wrong he'd actually bring it up rather fast. He wants this to be resolved as quickly as possible.

— "We should move on from this.. please."

— when you two make up he's much happier, he'll hold your hand more often and give you more physical affection if need be. 

《Shinobu Kocho》

— Shinobu has you wrapped around a finger, whatever insult you throw at her due to your anger, or whatever thing you have to say to the point where you're yelling, she'll reply with a refute at every given chance. She's going to try and deal with the argument calmly albeit if you anger her she's going to reply much colder, she won't really yell but she will be spiteful in a way. You can already see the veins and her twisted smile beginning to show. It gets so scary if you argue for a while. She doesn't need to shout to get her point across.

— The sisters are gonna be sad when you two argue :(

— If you were right, Shinobu wouldn't wait around for so long, she'd want to apologize when you've calmed down and she's managed her feelings and has them in check. She'd approach you with a calm demeanor and wouldn't fake up a grin, she's wearing a serious expression on her face. She'd grab your hands and kiss your knuckles, then smile at you sweetly.

— "I'm sorry for angering you Love, I was wrong for what I said.. please forgive me."

— If you're wrong she's going to mock you a little bit, but then eventually demand an apology from you. She is NOT going to wait longer than a day or two, it'd irritate her to no end if you didn't apologize for longer than that. You'd have to muster up a damn good apology and give her an immense amount of affection to ease her mood. When you do she's all smiles and laughter and immediately goes back to teasing you.

— "Fine! I forgive you.. couldn't stay away could you?"

— If the two of you are both in the wrong she's going to turn the argument into a joke and call you as well as herself out on it. Would probably resort to teasing you and kissing you to change the atmosphere. Commence smooth talking and her beginning to flirt with you.

— "We're both wrong silly, lets move on please. I love you~"

《Kyojurou Rengoku》

— I mean– Kyojurou yells regardless? He'd yell at you but you can tell his tone of voice is calm, and still holds lots of enthusiasm depite the situation. Either he ends the argument himself, or you end it because you get tired of his hard-headedness. I don't think he has it in him to get genuinely mad at you, he just hopes he can get his point across without resorting to anger or snarky comments and insults. (Not like he has any of that- he's far too wholesome.)

— If you were right then he'll probably apologize on the spot, there's no doubt in my mind that Kyojurou would apologize first and without hesitance. If he's wrong then he's wrong, he isn't waiting around and will initiate a conversation with you the moment he wants to speak his feelings. He can't handle not talking to you for longer than a day.

— He'd miss you so much :(

— "I'm so sorry my Dear! I was wrong and I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive me! I love you so much!" 

— He's saying that with such a warm smile, he takes you in a needy hug and cuddles you without even hearing your response. He just wants to be near you and have you stroke his hair. 

— If you were wrong he's telling you on the spot, "YOU'RE WRONG BUT I STILL LOVE YOU–" 

— He'd wait so calmly for you to apologize, you'd often catch him with his arms folded and his foot tapping the floor, he's beaming his signature smile and patiently waits for you to approach him. He looks like a golden retriever with the way he acts. If you're still upset with him and avoid him he's going to be hurt!

— "Haha! It's alright my Love! I forgave you a long time ago!"

— He's just excited to have you back, he takes you out that day, he takes you to dinner and constantly shows you off to any bystander the two of you come in contact with. He'll be locking arms with you and compliments you the entire trip.

— If you're both wrong he's going to be like Shinobu and attempt to ease the mood, he'd nod along and eventually hug you.

— "What were we even fighting for?! We're better than this!"

《Mitsuri Kanroji》

— STOP. YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE THE BABY CRY. I believe Mitsuri would tear up and try and talk back through her sobs, a heated argument isn't going to last long with her because you're going to be left comforting her or watching her walk out, holding herself. She'd be left in her estate, crying in her room until she had to leave. She's not even mad at you, the entire time all she wanted to do was kiss your lips and ask for you to tell her everything calmly. She actually didn't know what you were getting mad for.

— If she were to be mad she could man handle you so easily lmao

— Iguro HATES you if you make her cry, he'd try and throw hands SO quick! It'd be Mitsuri that would stop him despite the fact she's still sad. Even if the two of you aren't speaking she'd still make sure Iguro left you alone and gave you space.

— If you were right she's apologizing then and there, enveloping you in a tight warm hug as she cries on your chest. She wouldn't let go until you accept her apology and hug her back. If you don't accept her apology she's going to get so sad and walk out. If you do then she's kissing you for a good minute or two, she was so scared!

— "I'm so sorry for what I did! I won't do it again I promise!"

— Immediately wants to have a nap with you and cuddle! She's just so happy she can be in your arms again, expect her to whisper sweet nothings in your ear and pepper your neck with kisses.

— If you were wrong she's going to tell you and explain to you as eloquently as possible, no doubt she'd probably stutter once or twice but it's the effort that matters most! Again, I can't imagine her being extremely angry, she just wants this nightmare to end. She'd be impatient for an apology, constantly waiting for you to go up to her and just say sorry.

— "It's okay! I'll love you no matter what! You just get upset sometimes and that's okay."

— You'd probably be the one to realize if you're both wrong, she's quick to apologize but would deeply appreciate if the two of you discussed and settled your differences.

— "I'm so glad we made up! It felt like a fever dream!"

《Muichiro Tokito》

— Starting an argument with Muichiro is not going to work out in your favor, Muichiro can barely remember what bird just flew by, he's definitely not going to be very good at focusing on what you're saying when his head is too busy in the clouds. However if you do manage to get him to focus he's going to be anything but happy. He's actually rather serious and cold in response if you're shouting at him. He wouldn't exactly shout but he would curse a bit.

— If you're the one at fault, he's going to tell you right away, he's forward with what he says and how he says it, you can notice the subtle fumes of rage in his tone of voice. He doesn't really care for an apology, he just wants you to acknowledge what you said was wrong of you and go on with his day. He sees no reason in dragging anything out so when he speaks his mind he's walking away so you can process everything.

— "You need to sort yourself out.. I know you're upset but so am I."

— Now if he was the one at fault, you'd have to tell him and explain to him why that is. And when he realizes, he's not really apologizing but more so promising you that he'll never say or do the thing that upset you in the first place. He IS sorry though but expresses himself differently. He's trying.

— "I realize what I said was insensitive... I promise I won't speak that way again.."

— If you're both in the wrong you'd be the one to tell him that, it's not as if he thinks he's always right, he just disagrees with some things which sometimes can't be helped. He means well but can't show it half the time. 

— "Let's not fight anymore okay?"

《Tengen Uzui, Makio, Suma, Hinatsuru》

— It's not everyday you have an argument that reaches everybody, it would be so tense you'd catch yourself holding in the air within your lungs, scared at the idea of exhaling being your downfall. Tengen never wants to raise his voice at you, but sometimes even his emotions get the better of him and he can't help it. He cares so much about you but arguments tend to leave everything messy.

— Suma is tearing up when the argument starts, she holds onto you and whispers softly in your ear, begging you to calm down and not yell. Telling you that everyone was getting upset. She didn't want a bigger fight to start, she just wanted everyone to get along.

— Hinatsuru treats this argument as something that will eventually pass, she is so confident that this argument will be settled within the week. However this doesn't stop her from trying to calm you and everyone else down, she's the calmest one in the situation and would rather speak about your problems without the use of shouting or getting angry.

— Makio on the other hand, wants to hit you so bad for even starting an argument, this indeed worsens the matter terribly, Hinatsuru and Suma would hold Makio back so she didn't attack you. She loves you deeply, but this behaviour could wreck your relationship and that leaves her so scared. And the fact she was having those thoughts didn't sit right with her, more than ever she really just wants to hold you securely and fix this with a kiss.

— If you're the one in the wrong- welp, they are going to tell you without a moment of hesitation. You can't get away either as they'd sit you down until you apologize and tell them what's wrong without having to start fights.

— Makio is gonna slap you but make up for it later 

— "It's alright my girl- it happens to the best of us." Tengen rubs circles on your hands. Happy to have resolved the issue.

— Hinatsuru kisses your cheek and rubs your back, she's so proud of you for admitting your fault and being clear with everybody. "You're doing so well Baby, I'm so proud of you."

— Suma gets so soft, she'll give you lots of affection and will hug you for a while. She's glad you and Makio didn't harm one another and just wants to bask in the comfort of your embrace. 

— "Well- I'm sorry too.. I was just upset.." Makio turns away for a moment before she reaches her hand out and holds yours. She admits to being quite brash about the whole thing, she cares but has a different way of showing it is all! They all want to kiss you so bad.

— Now, if you were the one in the right, they're going to make up for it in a flash. Starting with Suma who gets teary eyed whilst bowing in shame, she's holding onto the hem of Tengen's clothes for a sense of comfort. Tengen is bowing also, with flowers in his hand.

— Hinatsuru is lowkey holding down Makio so she's bowing as well, however in her free hand Hinatsuru has a plate of your favorite treat "Please forgive us for not listening to everything you had to say, we're sorry."

— Makio brought nothing lmao- in the end though she goes out of her way to buy you a new blade. "I'm sorry for hitting you..."

— When you're ALL in the wrong Tengen is the one to bring up how lame it is you're all fighting in the first place. 

— "My girls.. this isn't FLAMBOYANT! We have to get over this!"

— When you all settle your differences you have a night out eating dinner and having fun in each others company. You're at peace..

— They're probably gonna bed you when you get home

[mintchocolatechipnut]

the boys but they’re idols

ft. bakugou katsuki. midoriya izuku & todoroki shouto

Note: yes, I missed prime pun opportunity to write ‘the boyz’ in the title. Anyway, I’ll be general enough to not include any real-life names and music, but I’ll get specific about other details. (Besides, if you squint real close you can see where I got my references from.) I’m thinking of a follow-up part, but we’ll see. Hope you enjoy!

* These headcanons are detailing each of the boys as a member in a hypothetical idol group, and not that they’re all in the same group.

** For context: the difference between main and lead positions is that main is the position that gets majority of the activity e.g. song, dance, rap, etc. Lead is more of a supporting role, but still important nonetheless. 

Tags: idol!au, no x reader for this one, unless??, as you can see from the word length I think you’ll know who I’m partial to

Word count: 3.3k

BAKUGOU KATSUKI

Obviously an all-rounder. He can sing, dance, and rap, though his forte is definitely dancing.

Bakugou obviously has some mad hand-eye coordination if he can play the drums, and I haven’t even brought in his utilizing it through his quirk and fighting talent. He’s also very flexible when twisting through the air and extremely precise with his explosions

Thus, I’d say that his moves are the most on-beat and precise. He’s got very solid moves when dancing; imagine his limbs cutting the air in sharp, refined movements, and his flexibility leads him to be an overall powerful dancer.

Bakugou is a HUGE stickler for technique. Sure, he’s not above improvisation, but technique’s where he excels the most. He’s looking far ahead enough to not want to jeopardize his health by doing some dangerous moves that could potentially hurt his body, so he always takes extra care when going about them, such as taking advanced dance classes.

He works wonderfully as a center, because not only does he have this charisma that makes people unable to look away from him, his perfected balance between his fierce dancing and his emphasis on technique lead him to be a picture of refined strength, and an absolute delight to watch on stage

His facial expressions are definitely the best when he’s performing powerful songs, probably because he’s naturally angry lol. His worst concept has got to be cute, but while he dreads doing it, it’s not like he can’t pull it off. He’s an idol, dammit.

Bakugou’s that one member who wears a headband or bandanna during cutesy performances and sticks with it, because that’s the closest the stylists are ever gonna get to his hair

God forbid if he ever has curly or straight hair

He’s not against dying it though, but he still cares about the repercussions it has on his body, so he tries to refrain from dying it too often. (Which could be inevitable if his managers require him to, I know that. But I’m going to give the boys a little more leeway here to showcase their personalities.)

Anyway, a bandanna suits him just fine, and now he’s the trademark member with the bandanna haha

Some things that don’t change from canon are obviously his schedule. Boy still wakes up at the crack of dawn, probably goes for runs or do sets in the gym, make himself a healthy breakfast, then get down to work

Now I’m conflicted as to what position he would take in a group; I’m leaning towards main dancer

Then again, he IS an all-rounder, so really you could get him to do anything and he’ll be just fine

It’s not in his nature to fail, after all

He can sing, but since his voice is kind of gravelly he’s not the first choice for a main vocal. Strong lead vocal material, I’ll bet, because his voice adds a lot of color and diversity. It’s not something you’d usually hear in a song, that’s why.

He can rap, but again, his voice is gravelly and hard to hear, so I don’t think it would be too good a fit for fast-paced raps. Though, throw him one or two iconic rap lines in his natural ‘I’ll punch you in the face’ tone and you’ve got yourself an icon (and a meme) for days.

I can also see Bakugou being leader of the group, since in canon he’s actually the oldest in class 1-A. One thing though is his outward persona isn’t all that pristine; he has trouble switching gears into idol mode. As we know Bakugou doesn’t lie, regardless of circumstances, and he’s not about to start doing that just to be liked better. If any of these extras are going to be his fans, they’re going to have to recognize real talent, without all the fake smiles.

But because he knows what it could do to the group’s reputation if he came out to look like a big bad bully, he usually keeps his mouth shut during publicity events

He’s probably one of the first idols to have a not-so-sunny media persona, but fans mostly see him as this brooding, sulky kid that’s prepared to put 100% into everything he does

Which is why they still like him

Suffice to say, his fan-base is very similar to the BNHA fandom lmao

Cue all the memes on him being a jerk and everyone liking him anyway, but they know he’s fully committed to the group and wouldn’t want to do anything to risk its image

But over the years, and with the amount of events he’s been involved in, Bakugou’s learnt to let out his true personality one step at a time

He’s considering things carefully because he doesn’t want his fans to be jarred by his personality change all of a sudden, and also because he’s tired keeping up appearances

Jokes on him because the fans already know how he is and are just waiting for him to be more comfortable around the group to showcase his true feelings

And you know what? It sells!

His members also see him as some inspirational figure because his determination and commitment is truly unparalleled

And while he isn’t the easiest to get along with, they know that he’ll do anything within his abilities to push the group to greater heights

While that’s cute and all, it also means they have to suffer at the hands of Bakugou’s tough love. Tough luck

Besides being leader, I could also see him having a hand in producing as well

Remember when I said he was a stickler for technicality? Well, yeah, exactly this

If he feels something isn’t up to par he’d rather do it himself. I think he’d dabble in mixing for a bit and realize he actually has an ear for it, to which he’d then go on to producing whole songs that just awe his members and they’d be like ‘yeah let’s go with this’

And one more thing. Bakugou’s actually got an eye for fashion

Yeah, gripe all you want because all this boy ever wears in the dorms is skull shirts and black tanks but seriously, when he gets down to it, he knows what looks perfect on each member and can make little adjustments to change up a whole style

Courtesy of having designer parents lmao

Overall Bakugou is nothing if not capable. While it means he could definitely go solo at some point, he’s formed bonds with his members and knows he’s grown as a person as a result. And at this point he can only get better

In a leader position, he’s got the charisma, and is not afraid to push for changes if he thinks the status quo isn’t doing enough to ensure the members’ well-being

His weaknesses are obviously teamwork and perfectionism, but he’s been learning how to get along with others better, that it’s not all just a rat race for fame and influence, and he’s able to form some pretty lasting relationships (see: Kirishima)

Not perfectionism, though. He sees it as a strength and not for one second will he compromise. He wants nothing but the best quality, not just for himself, but for the fans

MIDORIYA IZUKU

Looks like the maknae but isn’t. That’s it, that’s the post

He has a really sweet voice so I can see him going for vocals. So imagine when he turns around, holds a mic in his hand and starts RAPPING

You got it, he’s a rapper. Look at the speed that kid goes when he’s mumbling and muttering to himself all the time

Cue Deku’s origin story where he’s mumbling to himself on the street and a talent scout hands him his business card asbfajgfsa

His enunciation is also clear, and his sweet voice makes for a very refreshing rap. That and he also writes his own rap, because if he’s going to be saying anything on that stage, he’s going to want it to mean something.

His raps are always soulful, with hard-hitting lyrics that serve to encourage and motivate anyone who hears and vibes with them.

Basically, his gap moe game is STRONG. Dude be spitting fire up there on stage but once he’s come down, he’s a timid, sweet, shy boi, with overreactions and exaggerations that just make him all the more endearing

He’s also a big fan favorite because he nails every concept well, and has a very down-to-earth personality which he doesn’t hide from the cameras

You want him to act cute and youthful? You’ve got it. You want him to go for something sexy? Um yeah, he’ll have his reservations, but he’ll still do well. You want him to be angry and powerful? The strength in his gaze has got you trembling from the pit.

He’s not just a fan favorite but also that of the staff. Seriously Deku deserves all the love in the world and in this world, he’s going to get it

He’s in the position for main rapper, but I could see him going for lead vocals as well. He’s got a sweet, clear voice that immediately tugs on anyone’s heartstrings the moment they hear it, and he’s usually given more lines in ballads. His vocal range isn’t bad, he can reach moderately high notes, but sometimes his voice undergoes strain. He’s training for that, though!

As for his dance style, Deku probably goes for freestyle! He’s got this easy-going, totally relaxed style going for him that’s full of swag (omg outdated word alert) that makes his movements very smooth. He’s also reasonably flexible, though not as flexible as Bakugou or Todoroki, so he still can pull off certain dance moves.

Unpopular opinion, but it’s Deku, not Todoroki, who looks good in EVERYTHING. Literally his stylist is squealing backstage because they can go ham on dressing him. You could put him in a gold chain and ripped jeans OR an oversized hoodie and rompers, and it’d just go. The only thing is his hair though; he’s thinking of selling it as his charm point (not his freckles!) so he’d prefer if it could stay green. He doesn’t mind if they style it different ways though

The fans would go ballistic if they saw Deku with an undercut, and chances are they’re going to get to see it

He’s definitely one for improvisation! He’s very flexible with these changes, much like how he considers his growth in canon. He’s always looking to try out new styles or moves and see if it fits for him

Besides, I also see him producing! It’s because he’s so immersed in his idol career that he’s always studying new trends on the scene and making them into formulas for the group. He’s also thinking of marketing strategies in his free time

Everyone better be afraid of businessman Deku because he’ll be stealing those bucks from right under your nose

He’s also got mean leadership skills, but I don’t see him in a leader position

Rather, he’s like the second-eldest-but-co-leader kind of guy! He assists the leader in any way he can, and always serves to inspire and motivate the younger ones to work harder together as a team

Deku’s still got that shounen-protagonist charm, even in this world

But for all his good points, Deku still worries he isn’t enough

He knows how cut-throat the industry can be, having studied it inside and out, and he doesn’t want to lag behind

Cue him getting up at odd hours of the morning to use the practice studio (without waking up the others, of course) and other instances

Whenever his members realize he’s been overworking, literally everyone turns on him

He used to be the mom figure, but the moment he’s ushered into bed, a cooling pad on his forehead and thermos at his bedside desk, and the members even station one person to be in the living room so if he tries to leave his room to practice by himself they’ll see him

Jokes on them because Deku practices in his room

He practically moves in his sleep as if trying to get the muscle memory down

Precious boy must protecc!

In sum, Deku’s a great teammate to have and a valuable asset to the team

He’s also the best of friends and is never one to let a fellow member down

Probably the first to burst into tears if the group ever disbands

With his talent and fan-base, he could definitely go solo. But more than that, he wants to cherish the time he has with his members and achieve greater milestones with them every day

TODOROKI SHOUTO

High-key a visual. I mean, everyone wants to look like him!

Like. Everyone stops to look at him whenever he enters the room. Staff, producers, backstage crew, everyone. Even his members, sometimes.

Man’s just too pretty not to stare at

That's not to say he isn't talented, oh no. He's much like Bakugou, an all-rounder, but he's gone through rigorous training from when he was young to get there

Definitely not because of genes, no offense to Rei

As much as Enji is a major shareholder in the industry, anyone who sees Todoroki strut his stuff and still says he got in because of his father has got to be blind. Or deaf. Or plain stupid.

Sure, he had all that training courtesy of his dad. But the moment he enters as a trainee, it's all him from there and no one else.

He's a lot withdrawn at first, still is, but he's improved a lot from when he first joined. It's because of the support he's gained from both his members and fans that he's able to push himself to be the best version of himself everyday

He definitely doesn't come out and say it, but he's probably the most grateful for his fans. As in his family isn't the only lifeline left for him anymore

Todoroki has an amazing voice; while his speaking voice is low, he can reach higher notes without much difficulty. His tone is deep, somber and perfect for ballads, but the training he's undergone has made his technique immaculate. He's got excellent control, he can do runs and riffs effortlessly and he's even perfected his growl. Fans won't even see it coming

His dancing on the other hand is a lot about technique; but unlike Bakugou, Todoroki probably did classical and contemporary dance training as opposed to hip-hop or popping. Because of that, his movements are smooth and elegant, and he always carries himself with the grace of a dancer

That's not to say he cannot be an absolute beast on stage, of course. He's just more in his element when it comes to melancholic ballads, and he's had a hand in choreographing contemporary routines before

That experience and knowledge easily make him a capable choreographer for the group

After all those years of not being able to properly express himself, Todoroki learnt to let his dance tell a story in itself

He's also a fast learner, so any hip-hop techniques he easily picks up and incorporates into the routine

This makes me think he’s going to be a main dancer and a lead vocal, maybe even main vocal

I don’t see him in a leader position because while he has the charisma for it, I think he’d lack in communication, like Bakugou. They’re both a bit too used to doing things on their own that they 1) can’t trust anyone else to do it right and 2) as a result have never consulted other people about how they do things

The difference is Bakugou is a little more observant and far-thinking enough to be a leader, but it doesn’t make Todoroki any less important

If anything, he’s the mom friend, and always makes sure that the members stay in line and out of trouble

Also, for some reason, he's got exceptional charisma on stage and he doesn't even know it

Like, a sexy song comes on and then there’s Todoroki's smoldering heterochromatic gaze

Fans: omgomgomg how is he so hot what the—

Him: ??? This is my normal face tho

It's a strange feeling. One moment, he can be humping the floor and another moment he's got dimples in his cheeks from smiling. It makes him look like a totally different person, even though he's the same guy

His fans don't know why either

As much as he has a creative outlet in dance, Todoroki thinks he has no talent for songwriting or producing. He doesn't consider them his areas of expertise and if he was asked to write lyrics he'd have a hard time because he rarely expresses himself with words. He'd fret on it and eventually not get much done, so why try?

He does help out though, in offering suggestions on how to proceed, but he won't take the lead for any of these. Only dancing

That and his growing up with a businessman father leads him to also know the industry rather well, so he can offer some insights as to what image they could go for and how to market their discography

When it comes to styling, Todoroki is an absolute Mess. The things he likes and wants to wear doesn't suit him all that much, and the stylists usually have a hard time picking out clothes that really accentuate his look and figure. The myriad of colors in his hair and face lead to color clashes, but they find that red and blue are usually the go-to colors.

Did I mention that Todoroki doesn't mind dying his hair as long as they don't dye the white part? Enough said

They've done rainbow on him before!

He also doesn't cover up his scar, and over the years he's learnt to make it his charm point

It serves to make him a noticeable figure in the industry (as if his heterochromia weren’t enough) but it also makes him easily recognisable to fans

It’s not like he doesn’t like interacting with his fans, but sometimes some of them get a little too close, or ask questions that are way too personal

During those times, he’s at least got his members to relate and support him through it

The cutest thing about this man has got to be when he interacts with fans

Like, he’s pretty expressionless most of the time, but he always makes sure that his fans know that he’s extremely happy to have them here, and that he’ll continue doing the best he can for them

If you’re lucky and catch a small smile from him when you’re at a fan sign, I guess you could die peacefully

To summarize, Todoroki is a sweet bean but hardly ever shows it

When people praise his looks, he’s humble about them (though it’s more because he doesn’t know or think he’s attractive… baby just doesn’t see it)

And to top it all off, he’s a charmer on and off stage  with his quiet, sensitive nature and calm demeanor

He’s also the one that’s most likely to have a modeling career outside of his idol work

He can’t act for the life of him even though he’s got the expressions right on stage

Like Deku and Bakugou, he could always go solo, but his reason for not doing so is mainly because he’s found a new family, here with his members, and he doesn’t want to lose it

He doesn’t even mind if they don’t produce music anymore. As long as everyone sticks together and has a good time, he’s willing

A/N: Thank you for reading! If you haven’t checked out my other pieces, you can find them on my masterlist; if you have, thank you for your support! I’m trying to post something new every week, so stay tuned :)

[uwua3]

Hello! Can you write something for Muku helping Juza impress his crush? Thank you!

thank you so much for requesting, anon !! i hope to make you proud with this piece ٩( >w< )و suddenly today, i was overcome with a charming concept for this prompt and i am so happy! please enjoy, and if you’d like a continuation, let me know!

summary: the crown prince ascending to the throne would be nothing without his number one advisor

warnings: arranged marriage, classism, disease, dueling, fear of touching, fighting, military, monarchy, parental deaths/issues, swords

author’s note: you know, no one said to do a royal au but here i am! this will be an enemies to lovers prompt, so please enjoy :D have fun, juza loves you !! ♡

word count: 6,220

music: eyes blue like the atlantic, pt. 2 – sista prod, powfu, alec benjamin, & rxseboy

the crown prince and his advisor.

🌻👑🍁🍰 sakisaka muku + hyodo juza

“absolutely not.”

it doesn’t take much for first in line, prince feared across many nations, and legend in the making, hyodo juza, to not cooperate with his royal court

an arranged marriage, was expectedly one of the things that made him incompetent

“ju–chan,” first advisor muku started, ignoring the snickers of the much older men around him at the childhood nickname and juza’s sudden flustered expression, “you would be a fool to not agree to this arrangement.”

“me? the fool?!” juza huffed, his voice on the verge of raising as he narrowed his eyes at his cousin with the sharp threat of a death sentence. muku sighed, knitting his eyebrows together as he patiently tapped his fingers upon the round table

(leave it to his older, much more influential, and wealthier cousin to be incredibly difficult to work with)

“yes, you know akizakura is the rising power this century. they’re challenging societal norms and making every other monarchy uneasy with their progressiveness. you and them together would have a shocking power play over every single nation on this map.”

muku used his feather quill to refer to the aged map laid out, gesturing as if to say “this could all be yours if you played your cards right”. juza was about to fight back, but bit his tongue, nearly slouching in his seat to contemplate before straightening with muku’s pointed glare

(seriously... juza was the older one?)

“i have no desire to be a dictator.” juza finally spat, turning his head away towards the window and closed his eyes. the rest of the court bristled at this bold, unambitious statement but muku solemnly nodded

after all, it was the dying king’s one true goal to conquer all, not juza’s

“if i may say, prince juza, the heir to the throne—”

“i wish to hear nothing about this so called heir. they mean nothing to me.”

silence plagued the court, the somewhat out of touch yet logical advisors sharing disapproving looks of juza’s childish behavior. muku did his best not to roll his eyes at the crowd, instead plastering a neutral expression

it seemed like most of the times, the whole kingdom forgot juza was a child. just a boy suddenly forced to uphold his responsibilities with his father’s slow demise

“shall we reconvene tomorrow?” muku suggested, to which juza nodded. the court quickly went up and left, shooting curious and nosy glances at muku who remained in his seat. when everyone parted ways and the guard by the door confirmed there were no eavesdroppers, muku quietly pushed out his chair and moved to stand by his cousin’s side

for a while, no one said anything. until, juza’s tense posture slumped and he buried his face into his hands, trying his best to keep it all together even with no one to witness his defenses down

“i wish... father wasn’t so ill. i shouldn’t be here, i don’t want to be here.” juza declared, the words muffled by his palms. advisor muku gently placed a hand upon the crown prince’s shoulder, patting it slightly with a sympathetic tone to his words

“i know, i’m sorry. but, you will be a great king for the people of higanbana.”

before juza could ask how he knew for sure, muku just fixed the kingdom’s red spider lily pendant to make sure it was straight. it was the royal family’s heirloom, a universally recognized sign this was the son of a highly respected, pure bloodline

“ju–chan, have i ever led you astray?”

yes, many times, juza thought, reminiscing back on when they were kids. but, he didn’t say any of that, he instead shook his head solemnly

hyodo juza, first in line, prince feared across many nations, legacy in the making, was only eighteen when he would be coronated as king. the youngest king in all of higanbana history, all because his father was dying

and, he needed to secure his ascension through marriage to a complete stranger

but rest assured, muku, number one advisor, cousin to the crown prince, wise beyond all, was surprisingly relentless. becoming the new upcoming king’s right hand man had changed him for the better, preventing him from letting his insecurity and indecisiveness show its true colors

sure, he was still the scared coward who screamed unlike a man and didn’t have the natural class of royalty, but putting on a front was worth it to save juza from losing all support inside and out

the abrupt news that the oldest son of the hyodo family was soon to be hailed as king was, a surprise, to the townsfolk. many who were comfortable and simply used to king hyodo’s reign were not vocally against it, luckily enough. it was more a thing to gossip about than anything, but the royal family never particularly enjoyed the rumor mill

unfortunately, being coronated as a... single king was a pressing matter to all of the people, apparently. no king in history just rose to power without an influential and powerful partner by their side, it would leave vulernability due to the limited allies

especially what would remain of them, considering some kingdoms may break ties with the hyodos since juza and his father were... very different people

so, as said before, muku was relentless. continously insisting that this marriage contract was the best possible option for juza, that no other heir could even come close. juza didn’t want to believe it even if it was true, considering his stubborn nature

it took many, many bribes of tea parties and constant challenging duels for him to admit defeat

it was perhaps a tiring match that afternoon before juza exhaled sharply through his nose, moving to sheath his sword as he waved the white flag. muku, also surprisingly quick and agile on his feet with a weapon, managed to suppress a “told you so” grin at the look of exasperation

“fine, fine! i’m tired of fighting—” juza was not a major fan of dueling whatsoever, even if he was blessed with the physical proportions to do so easily

before muku could jump up in relief, juza sent a stern glare with no malice towards his cousin’s way. the sword hit the sheath, making a loud cutting noise throughout the empty, private training grounds

“but, i want to meet them first. then, i’ll decide to marry or not.”

muku knew this was the best he was going to get, and had the private secretary immediately pen a letter toward’s akizakura. shortly afterwards, a request for the heir to visit was accepted

you were also first in line, an intimidating but just political figure, and also a legend in the making. you were the talk of the town, to say the least

but, you sure didn’t feel like it

you anxiously tapped your foot, feeling seasick from how long this boat journey had already been. you had been invited by the higanbara kingdom to “visit” to “discuss political alliances and ideas to better serve the people”, though anyone with a brain could see straight through that lie

your parents intended on promising you to some eighteen year old hyodo hotshot, someone you’ve never even met!

at first, you were extremely demanding for them to consider changing their minds, that you didn’t need... a man... to help you rule the world. men would only hold you back, they’d do nothing good for you, anyways!

but, you knew the future of akizakura was in your hands. your parents were strong, but slowly, their old age would catch up to them and they needed to protect the famly legacy. you were the next expected heir, considering how active you’ve been in the government since you could read and write

though, no one exactly stated a marriage contract came along with power

you didn’t exactly know what higanbara looked like, but you’ve heard... rumors, about the family that ruled it all. the hyodos were an imposing force, spreading their control far and wide with unfathomable military power and merciless tactics

you couldn’t imagine what the crown prince was like. how, barbaric, he must be. must’ve been an inhumane and unreasonable fighter that took everyones’ heads with him

lucky for you, you were a trained fighter as well who would never let a man even have a sliver of control over your dead body

“your royal highness, we are here in higanbara.” the captain announced, followed by the sound of the ship’s horn. thank the gods, or you might have swam there yourself considering how rocky sea travels were

fixing your appearance, you masked your face in a stone cold expression, showing you were all business without the supervision of your parents. you were your own person, you didn’t need to be ordered around by some man

as the ship reached port, you noticed a set of figures at the foggy dock. higanbara was... dismal. it was all shades of grey, like there was no life. the oceans were a glittering silver, as if there were thousands of treasures waiting to be discovered. and at the port, was a sight to behold

you stepped onto the creaky wood cautiously, looking around before you noticed a stoic face peering down at you. perhaps a beat too late from how much he was staring, he then offered his hand without ever saying a word

you ignored it, knowing you didn’t need it at all. but from the looks of it, they were calloused, scarred, large. hands of a warrior—his eyebrows rose slightly in surprise at your blatant rejection. before he could speak, you heard someone else introduce the kingdom

“your royal highness, welcome to higanbara!” you heard a gentle, but enthusiastic, voice from behind the tall man who helped you on land. you turned to see a rather short, pink–haired royal with a shaky but elegant smile. you couldn’t help but smile at the boy

(you didn’t notice juza’s subconcscious quirk of his lips at your guard coming down, before he looked away with his ears red and mind confused. why did he do that?)

“thank you...?” you trailed off, awaiting an introduction before the pink royal dropped into a hurried but somewhat graceful bow, coming up with a surprise rose. you had no idea where it came from, causing you to let out a surprised laugh. higanbara was filled with many surprises, apparently

“i am his royal highness’ first advisor, sakisaka muku, it is a pleasure.” muku smiled pleasantly, but you noticed his eyes lingered on the way you stood oddly close with the crown prince

you tried to step back casually as if there was nothing wrong, but you almost stumbled off the edge of the dock. unluckily, juza was fast and immediately wrapped his arm around your waist, keeping you close as he froze under the sudden attention at your close proximity

“let go.” you demanded and your tone was ice cold like the waters

“please... be careful—” juza mumbled, his grip strong before you pushed him off, scowling with a sharp glare his way

“let go!” you yelled, drawing attention as you glared daggers at higanbara’s crown prince. you couldn’t believe it, did all men just think they could grip you like that? as if you needed help?!

“do not touch me, i did not give you permission.” you cursed, shocking nearly everyone as you brushed off your clothes. juza blinked, taken back before he frowned, his eyebrows furrowed

“but, if i hadn’t, you would’ve fell into the water—”

“then, let me fall! i can swim!”

when you met his eyes, he was very clearly frustrated. the awe of meeting you had worn off, and juza was certain he’d make an enemy out of your stubborn pride and rude attitude right off the bat

muku intervened, laughing awkwardly as if a newcomer didn’t just yell at higanbara’s crown prince. stepping between you two, he seemed to communicate something with his eyes to juza who suppressed the need to storm off

“i am first in line, crown prince hyodo juza. a... pleasure.” juza faltered, his tone superficial and void of any genuine pleasure. he bowed anyways, his back rigid and yellow eyes analyzing your every move. he must’ve been a battle tactician with how observant he was

you didn’t do anything back, just crossed your arms and averted your eyes. “i know who you are, you know who i am. can we move on?”

juza was about to impulsively snap back before muku agreed, staying between you two despite the common courtesy of trailing behind royalty. the guards set at the port parted on command, yelling back “yes sir!” at juza’s order to march back to the castle

was this a power move? to intimidate you and make you go in shock over juza’s military background? two could play at this game

you stood taller, ignoring his gaze as you hurried forward, not wanting to be beside the man who just randomly touched you without your consent. not to mention, the audacity to linger! how inappropiate!

juza stared after you, and looked over his shoulder towards muku, visually confused over how offstandish you were

muku just sighed. this was going to be a long, long two weeks of akizakura’s ascending heir in higanbara

it was an understatement to say you and juza got off on the wrong foot. you never allowed just anyone to touch you randomly out of no where. you weren’t some clumsy person in distress, you were a leading figure in your kingdom, for goodness sake! you easily could’ve fixed your footing, stood back up straight, and moved on

juza was rather peeved at your reaction. you didn’t even take his hand like a polite royal would! didn’t thank for him for saving you from the ocean and had the audacity to curse him out like he was some commoner in front of his own troops. juza felt embarrassed from how low he was treated, you had no respect for him or higanbara

muku, was tired. when other nobles whispered about how out of the ordinary and eccentric you were and how strange akizakura’s customs were, he didn’t expect having to save his crown prince from a near beating

you had guts and nerve, just like juza. maybe, you two had more than meets the eye, but unfortunately, both people were stubborn, prideful, and arrogant privileged kids who didn’t want to see the other side

so throughout the first half of your stay, muku felt more like a babysitter than an advisor. it took everything in his power to keep you two from physically fighting each other in front of the royal circle

you two seemed to disagree on everything. while you were an “all or nothing” type of pefson, who went extreme on every suggestion you had and was willing to risk everything for a better future, juza was... the opposite

unlike his bold and brash father who would’ve gotten along just fine with you, juza wanted new change. he was always playing the devil advocate, pointing out flaws you hadn’t taken account for before. but, he was hesitant, wanting to take it slow, and ease into the plan than go head first

it made both your tactics and strategies clash and nothing was getting done. but muku, wise and relentless muku, knew it was more than just childish arguments at the round table. it was the slowly building tension between you two ever since that one bad first impression

and perhaps, the intense pressure from both sides to accept this arranged marriage for the sake of both kingdoms. it was too much on teens savoring their last few years of youth

and just like before, muku knew what needed to happen in order for someone (most likely juza) to give up their defenses and say something

you elegantly strode into the training grounds early in the morning, holding the first advisor’s personal note in your hand as you looked around. you were scheduled to meet muku, in a neutral place to get the overview of today’s meeting without juza’s involvement

or, so you thought

you heard a scuff of shoes and a quick “damn, sakisaka” behind you. whipping around, you came face to face with a sleepy juza, who’s eyes immediately widened and took a few steps back. it seemed like you caught him off guard, and he held a similar note in his hand as well

it didn’t take a genius to figure out what muku had done, as you huffed and placed your hands on your hips. juza straightened his posture and looked down at you, expressing that he wished he could be anywhere but with you

“hyodo—” you started, to which juza pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. “that’s my father, i’m juza.” you continued anyways, ignoring his sharp pointed look

“are you here to fight with me again? perhaps, make a fool of me again?” you accused, pointing a finger at his chest as seethed. juza rolled his eyes, visibily frustrated as he threw his hands up, planning his escape already

“i have no business with you here. i will depart now.” juza forced out in a neutral tone, as if you two hadn’t been at each other’s throats the past week. before juza could spin on his heel and take his leave, you grabbed a sword near by and the sound of it leaving its sheath made him stop in his tracks

“you. me. right now.” you demanded and juza let out a humorless laugh. you were in over your head if you could think you could beat a hyodo at a duel. looking at the sky, he noticed it would be quite a bit of time until the official start of his day as crown prince. maybe, he could spare a bit of time

“at your service, your royal highness.” juza mocked, obnoxiously bowing that made your eye twitch at how insufferable he was

“take your pick. regardless, you’ll lose by my hand.”

juza chose his normal practice sword, the hilt engraved with his name and bore the spider design of the red lily. it had the grandeur of being a ceremonial sword, which you scoffed at. ugh, rich kids

you took the one closest to you and juza expected you two would walk to the middle, circle each other to see who would make the first move. he should’ve known you weren’t exactly the waiting type, because the moment he stepped into the ring, you hit first

luckily, juza whipped his sword up and the metal clashed with yours, the sound echoing in the courtyard. that was the start of the longest duel juza’s ever had

used to muku’s dexterity, juza had to find out the hard way you were much more of a strength fighter. you took him by surprise most times, with forceful and somewhat vengeful attacks. yet, juza was a formidable opponent. he had learned from the best after all, and this was one of the few duels he had the goal to try at

you smirked when juza nearly lost his footing, not reaching out to catch him by any means and holding your hands up. “see, i respect people’s private space and don’t touch them without permission.”

juza swung back with much more force than normal, which you hurriedly parried. the contact of metal rang in your ears as juza gained the upper hand, looming over you with distaste

“you would’ve drowned if i let you fall!”

“you knew i didn’t take your hand for a reason, i refuse to let a man touch me!”

you pushed back but he was like a rock, unmoving and resilient. he seemed to contemplate something before putting his sword down, nearly sheathing it before stopping, making sure to meet your eye

“i’m sorry.”

you blinked, taken back. was that an apology? from a hyodo?

“i understand you have your reasonings to hate physical contact, and i respect that. by no means did i mean to make you uncomfortable.” juza explained, feeling a weight lifted off his shoulders as he finally found a time to apologize properly

“i wouldn’t have touched you unless i knew it was for your own safety, i’m sorry.” juza finished and you thought about it, before putting your own sword down with a heavy sigh

“i’m... also sorry. i knew you had good intentions, but i blew up because...” you seemed to think some more before exhaling. “i don’t need a man to save me, don’t think i need you or anything. i’m a perfectly capable, independent person.”

juza related to how your pride blinded your anger, and nodded. you two seemed to reach a mutual understanding and juza ducked his head, lowering it so it’d be easier to talk to you away from the castle that was waking up

“i did not mean to insult your character. i’m sure you are a whole person who does not need saving, it was not my intention.”

without another word, you moved past him, acting as if you were going to put your weapon away. instead, you quickly knocked his sword out of his loose hands, smiling innocently as if nothing happened

“i believe i win.”

“a dirty play, mind you.”

“a win is a win.”

“a victory is nothing if not honorable.”

you looked over your shoulder with a curious look, as if you were really seeing juza for the first time. you expected a burly man who would burn down nations just for a taste of godhood. instead, he seemed humble, unlike a hyodo

“hyodo—”

“i’m not my father, i am juza.” juza repeated again, without the usual bite, and you suddenly understood why juza taking the throne was big news. he was nothing like his father, this would be the ushering of a new age

hopefully, a golden age

“juza,” you said for the first time and for once, he presented a close–lipped smile that seemed void of royal duties. “i look forward to dueling you again.”

“as do i.”

“do not expect to win.”

(first advisor muku held in his squeals on the balcony adjacent to the training grounds. he typically liked to sneak up there to read and prepare for the day, but he was hiding this time to eavesdrop. looks like his plan worked!)

(when juza looked up to meet his eyes, he looked as if he knew all this time. muku nervously smiled and waved slowly, to juza’s hidden relief that he made progress)

(but... why was he so happy to see you weren’t holding a grudge against him anymore? did your opinion truly mean that much?)

the round table was much more, productive. muku liked to take credit for the riveting debates that replaced the senseless arguments, finding that both you and juza had similar goals at the end of the day, just different tactics

although there were still some very inappropiate comments here and there by your mouth, it didn’t seem personal anymore. it was clear to the court that you were intelligent, bright, and offered new perspective that no one else considered. they all knew akizakura was a force not to be reckoned with

by then, a week had passed, and it was time for the welcoming ball!

you would be introduced to the rest of the castle through a rather lame excuse to party. you knew what all of the glamarous charades and rich pleasantries were really all about, to assess if akizakura was worthy of taking their beloved crown prince’s hand. you could’ve laughed, because that was a major joke

you didn’t need to do anything, you knew you already were above and beyond what they expected. so that night as you insisted on preparing your appearance alone, you were slightly annoyed to hear a knock on your guest chambers

“go away! i said—”

“your royal highness, this is crown prince juza’s first advisor, sakisaka muku.”

you paused, looking away from the mirror and relented, letting him come in. when muku silently stepped inside and closed the door gently, he bowed with newfound confidence and sent you an easy smile that made you feel at ease

you understood why juza would want muku around, he didn’t seem like that dependable of a guy, but he was a good person through and through

“sakisaka, i remember you. you were the one who misled me to duel juza.” you said, giving him an once over before fixing your hair, staring back into the mirror. out of the corner of your eye, you noticed muku blush and he resorted to laughing awkwardly unprompted

“ah... yes—”

“and you were the one hiding in the balcony, correct?”

muku’s eyes widened, how did he get caught?! he thought only juza noticed. it was no wonder how you were such an equal match to higanbara’s crown prince, you had the same strengths and few weaknesses

“please, you do not give me enough credit.” you hummed in response, standing up and approving your final look of the day. you would wear akizakura’s kingdom colors, with the crest pinned. it would leave no question who you represented and where your loyalties lied

muku rubbed the back of his neck, letting out a breathy “haha” as the silence overcame. you slipped your kingdom ring on, watching it glint in the subtle candle light

“though, i must thank you, shouldn’t i?” you spoke in rhetorics often, muku realized. he waited for you to continue and you did, busying yourself with cleaning up your station. you had no need of maids even if you respected the profession

“without you, i wouldn’t have gotten an apology out of him. now, we’re...” you trailed off, unsure on how to finish that statement. muku hid his teasing smile, masking it as something innocent as he gratefully bowed his head, his white–gloved hand over his heart

“friends?”

you didn’t answer, instead standing tall and turning to completely face muku. he didn’t look you in the eye, but he too increased his height as if to match your authority. he was admirable for at least trying

“i must say, first advisor, juza is most fortunate to have you clean up his messes.” you half–joked, and muku nodded, agreeing seriously even if it was in jest

“however, i can promise you this. if you must contact me, do not trick me. i will not be as merciful.”

a shiver ran down muku’s spine. you truly were next in line of ruthless akizakura. but, it was a sign of respect, nonetheless. everyone was fully aware of how outstanding and remarkable you were to be the voice of the new generation

“understood, your highness. i did not come to deceit you, only to greet my cousin when he arrives.”

you tilted your head. this was news—no one could exactly tell muku and juza were cousins. really? the same bloodline?

“are you serious?”

“we get that reaction a lot.” you heard juza’s voice behind the door and you subconsciously broke your stern expression, rolling your eyes as you crossed your arms. muku noticed your shoulders dropped ever so slightly, you must’ve been comfortable around juza, then

“come in already, don’t be a creep.” you called out and juza stepped inside, stopping at the sight of you. instantly, his cheeks became flushed and he seemed like he was about to do something incredibly stupid (which he did, amused muku did not stop him)

“you—um, you, you look... nice.”

nice? you looked absolutely amazing, you already knew that. you were going to be the best dressed in the entire ballroom, that’s for sure

(but, for some reason, you were disappointed. nice? was that all you were to him? wait—why did you care?! a man’s validation of your appearance was the last thing you needed)

muku was this close to intervening before you huffed, patting down your outfit. “do i suddenly have value because i look nice?” you air–quoted “nice” and juza got even redder, looking away as if to save his dignity

“no, no. your worth isn’t based on your looks.” juza reassured and you knew he meant it. you relaxed a bit, thankful juza didn’t have the same intentions as every royal noble out there ever. muku’s eyes bounced back from you and juza continously, picking up on the signs with increasing interest

he had never seen juza slip up this much around someone before... could it be? did he actually like you now?

“look at the time! i must go help with the preparations, come down soon.” muku lied, which juza caught on fairly quickly. before he could call muku to come back, the young advisor sliped out of the chambers and ran to the main event. he succeeded in leaving you and juza alone

an uncomfortable silence set over both of you as juza examined your room out of curiousity, and you tapped your foot. you were confused, what was this feeling inside your chest? why were you suddenly so nervous?

if you were confused, you didn’t let it show on your face. instead, juza offered his arm, holding it out to you with no threat at all as he gestured his chin towards the ballroom

“would you do me the honor of letting me escort you to the ball?”

you stared at his arm, the arm you noticed was slightly shaking, whether from nerves or holding it out too long, who knew. as much as you hated to admit it, you wouldn’t want any other person escorting you

with a turn of events, you took juza’s arm and felt it tense before relaxing, giving you a chance to let go any time. he put on a rare smile, and you liked how his yellow eyes crinkled at the corners when he did

“thank you.” for trusting me, for changing your opinion about me, for giving me a chance even if i don’t deserve it, juza thought, but it was all unsaid

“sure.” you responded, but you smiled, too. it was the first time you had given him such a genuine smile, that he couldn’t help but do the same

you two moved to stand at the top of the stairs, awaiting the announcement of both your names. in the mean time, you realized juza wasn’t the hyodo you thought he was

as he escorted you down the stairs, with everyone’s eyes on you two, you two were the splitting image of graceful and threatening intimidation and power. but, it didn’t feel like that. instead, it was just you and juza, a crown prince who had a nasty temper and natural hand at sword dueling

the ball seemed to last a lifetime. so many unnecessary introductions which you put a front on. social interaction was draining, it was becoming a difficult task to shake everyone’s hands and pretended like you cared about rich people problems

so, like every celebration ever, you escaped the main event and stepped into the hyodo rose garden. mostly hues of orange, you noticed the eternal autumn that hung over the kingdom. oranges and reds entranced you as you sat at the edge of the water fountain in the middle, the constant stream distracting you from the background party noise

(“where are they?” juza asked, pulling wallflower muku aside who mainly stood by the buffet table to hide extra sweets for his cousin. muku smiled, his eyes sliding in the direction of the rose garden as juza caught on. though, juza seemed hesitant, like he was worried if he should go or not)

(“do not be a fool, ju–chan. what other time will you have to confess?” muku asked and juza nearly choked on his champagne glass, shooting a wide–eyed look at his cousin. it was as if he was asking how did he know?)

(“this is your first crush, isn’t it? luckily, the person you intend on marrying.” muku lightheartedly jested, to which juza bumped his shoulder into his slightly. “like i said, do not be a fool, ju–chan. go.”)

(juza contemplated it before nodding, slipping out of mind and out of sight. muku proudly raised his glass after him, as if to say congratulations. all that gossip with the town cupid paid off for muku, his crown prince would be hopelessly pining without him)

(all he needed to do was one last thing. first advisor made his way towards the orchestra, about to request a song)

you watched the moonlight for quite a time before you heard a rustle of leaves towards the entrance, turning your head to see juza. juza, in his orange and black uniform and red spider lily pendant. juza looked dashing beneath the stars, as he waited for you to invite him

you moved aside and juza sat down at a safe distance, stargazing along with you. the silence was comfortable, this time around. it was filled with glasses clinking together, the everpresent buzz of crickets, and flow of the water fountain

unlike your initial thoughts, you didn’t exactly mind higanbara as much as you thought you would

“the ball, is a bit much.” juza admitted, to which you agreed. “tell me about it, i don’t know how you lasted that long.” you said lightheartedly, but it seemed to make juza think as he leaned back, balancing himself by stretching his hands out on the rim of the fountain

“i... i don’t like balls, really. my father always liked them, he was the life of the party.” you noticed juza used the past tense even if his father was still alive, but you knew not for long

“he was also, born to be king. could command a whole army without fail, delivered inspiring speeches that could get the whole town riled up, was the face of his kingdom. now...”

“it’s you.”

juza nodded, as if accepting this fact for the first time. it was as clear as the full moon that night—juza was afraid he could never live up to the legacy his father would soon leave behind

“i don’t want to be king.” juza confessed in a whisper, like it could change anything. you wanted to be a monarch, but you understood juza’s struggles. he must’ve missed out on a normal childhood, like every other person born into nobility

“but, i care for the people of higanbana. i will do my best to make them proud, and to continue the legacy of this kingdom.” juza continued, clenching his fists as he did so. you turned your head to see he looked lighter, like it was something weighing him down ever since he found out

“you’ll be a good king. i have seen your plans, and you are unlike your father. you will be better.”

juza turned to stare into your eyes, searching for any sign of lies. you were telling the truth, and you were shocked at how honest you just were. but, you believed it. you believed in juza and his legacy, the incoming new golden age would arrive

“thank you, i—your people are lucky to have you.” juza said, but he seemed distant. before he could lean in, you heard the soft playing of the orchestra from far, far away

this time, you stood up and offered your hand. unlike last time however, juza accepted your hand and it was true. both your hands were calloused, scarred, large. so the two warriors wordlessly slow danced under the moonlight in the rose garden to their new favorite song

that night, juza may have not said it out loud, but both of you were too observant and smart for your own good. as he walked you to your chambers, you were the one who leaned in this time

“is this a dirty play?” you teased, inches away from his lips. juza gulped as he admired your face illuminated by the lanterns

“a win is a win.”

it was all fair, in the game of love

your two weeks had passed. it was time for you to go home, back to akizakura to make your final decision of whether to marry a hyodo or not

you let juza help you into the boat even if you didn’t need it, and said goodbye to the grey higanbana and it’s forever autumn. there was no one around since juza requested a private departure, so you let yourself smile at him

“will i see you again?” juza asked the question that had been weighing on his mind ever since that night in the rose garden. you were on the ship, but didn’t let go of his hand

“do not be a fool, juza,” you started roughly, and juza could feel his heart drop. was this the end? he didn’t want this to be the last time, he liked you

“next time, you’ll go to akizakura. there, we can duel.”

“and i’ll win.” juza confirmed and you let go, fondly rolling your eyes. as the ship departed, you suddenly rushed to the edge, cupping your hands around your mouth

“tell sakisaka i said thank you!”

of course, you found out about everything. juza just nodded and waved, watching you disappear into the horizon

juza would await your invitation to akizakura as he practiced his dueling skills with a certain matchmaker named sakisaka muku

[moonbeamsung]

under the cut you will find my comprehensive brain dump about hot sauce <3

okay in addition to all the shitposts i made about the album as i listened for the first time, i have so much i wanna say about each track so here we go, even if no one reads this i don’t mind because i’m just posting it for myself! this is 15% semi-professional-sounding album review talk and the other 85% is me freaking out lol

hot sauce: someone said this is zimzalabim’s brother and i can’t stop thinking about it, but unlike that song it honestly didn’t take multiple listens for me to like the song itself. the only thing that was the slightest bit off-putting about it was the higher pitch of the chanting (which i still don’t know if i’m imagining or not) but i don’t mind it as much as i used to. the beat is so interesting and funky and the latin-ish(?) sound of some parts suits them unexpectedly well :,) all the members’ voices are so distinct and i think they all got a chance to shine, like even without looking at the line distribution it just seems pretty even to me when i listen. okay now onto the mv i think it’s super cool and when i saw it for the first time it felt like there was a lot going on and it was a little overwhelming but i think that’s just because it was 5 in the morning and my senses were overwhelmed lol (like the lyrics say o_o (i think??)) also JISUNG’S DANCE BREAK I AM ON THE FLOOR. he sounded so good sjdfbds. renjun’s adlibs (in the final chorus especially) are really something else and his lil duet part with jisung in prechorus 2 is amazing showstopping never been done before etc etc. haechan’s high note and jeno’s and mark’s (side note i can’t believe we really have 7dream again :,)) and jaemin’s raps and chenle’s voice throughout the entire thing are just,,, perfection omg. overall i love this song so much and think it was a great title track for them!!

diggity: IT GOES SO HARD IT’S CRAZY. first of all here are some timestamps that make me lose my mind: 0:30 i swear the adlib sounds like mark but the video shows that it’s renjun and he sounds😳whew. and 2:48.....jisung.........i can’t do this............for maximum pain watch a clip of him talking from 2016/2017 and then listen to this part but warning you may cry. HE SOUNDS SO SKDFBL WHEN DID HIS VOICE GET SO DEEP🥲like i knew it was but this is just. another level lmao but anyways, the bridge in this song as a whole sounds amazing!!! i’m very much in love with really small moments like the little “na na na”s in mark’s rap and the way they sound, sorta minor in tone. also love how the beats build up to the chorus each time and i just wanna bop my head to it! it seems like i hear new little harmonies and adlibs every time i listen and it’s such a nice mix of vocals and strong raps :)

dive into you: the VIBES of this song??? i liked it from the teaser but as i listen more and more it gets even better it seems. like imagine a summer roadtrip to the coast because that’s what this sounds like.  mark and jisung really started things off with one of the catchiest raps i’ve ever heard and everything about it is so perfect😩jaemin and jeno singing >>>> and chenle chose violence with his high note and hearing all the harmonies from every single one of them makes me so happy :> they’re so beautiful like aaaaa. also i just love the minor-sounding notes (that’s a favorite thing of mine can you tell) in the chorus with the “you-ooh” parts. VOCALIST JENO AT 2:36 IS THE PRETTIEST THING I’VE EVER HEARD DO YOU HEAR HIS HARMONY. can’t forget vocalist jisung either, any time he sings i’m just🥰which has happened a lot this cb which is GREAT :DD and then on top of all that, the track video is adorable and they look so happy!! driver haechan doesn’t hurt either lmao AND THE PERFORMANCES OF IT ARE SO CUTE TOO LIKE HHHH

my youth: something about this song sounds so nostalgic and it’s going on my driving playlist because it just gives me such a carefree feeling, like being on the highway or driving through a city at sunset. it’s really chill and it’s one of the softer songs on this album so it balances out the harder-hitting tracks :) jaemin’s rap is so nice, reminds me of how much i love his voice :( i heard a clip of them singing this song live and it doesn’t sound the slightest bit different, it really shows all their singing talents🥺

rocket: omg definitely another favorite of mine on the album, it’s so upbeat and reminds me of dream run!!! also it’s moonshine produced so you know it’s going to be a total bop. for some reason it feels like something that would play on a rollercoaster if they had music, the scales and the synth make it sound really fun and it’s extremely enjoyable to listen to, makes me wanna dance around :) jaemin’s rap with the little star wars line is cute hehe. and chenle’s “level up” part, he sounds SO GOOD! from the bridge towards the end, that’s my favorite part, it’s such an energetic beat and, like, bouncy? i guess? that’s not the best word but i really really really love this track☺️☺️☺️

countdown (3,2,1) : besides the fact that mark decided to k word me with that “explOsive�� line at the opening i love this one too! it sounds futuristic almost. i never knew how much i needed to hear jisung say “control freak” before this and his singing voice at 1:15 and 3:11 and 3:24 is just wOw—plus his RAP I’M NOT GONNA RECOVER FOR A WHILE😔🤭......also love the transitions from jaemin into mark and then jeno for that part in the bridge and the buildup it has to the final chorus. i think haechan’s and renjun’s voices sound so good on this track like at that softer part? aND HOLY HECK IS HYUCK THE ONE DOING THOSE ADLIBS TOWARDS THE END BECAUSE IF SO DAMN. yes boys you are very dangerous

anl: why couldn’t they have just called it all night long because everyone’s reading it wrong🤠this one is really chill and i think the way it sounds kinda matches the vibe of their boring ver. photos, if that makes sense. it’s also going on my driving playlist!! i don’t know what to call the little twinkling sounds at the start but i love those, and mark’s voice is so soothing in this song🥺something about the way renjun sings “sky high” is gorgeous and jisung’s parts with the harmonies are truly a blessing to the ears :] the chorus sounds so inherently dream and i feel like track itself has something mature about it? (not in that way geez) but like it just shows how far they’ve come music-wise/vocally

irreplaceable: except for mark’s one english line in the bridge (you know the one don’t make me type it) (but it doesn’t make me cringe quite as much anymore) i also adore this song☺️if this track had a video, i’d picture it looking something like the cafe 7dream content. it sounds really acoustic and warm and like they could just be casually singing it together in a cozy cafe or studio! also, i realized that it reminds me of another dream song when i hear it and i figured out that it’s bye my first hehe. HAECHAN’S HIGH NOTE IS WITHOUT A DOUBT THE BEST PART, MARRY ME SIR.

be there for you: literally the renhyuckle ballad we’ve always wanted!!! i don’t even have that much to say because it’s just so beautiful, all three of their voices blend so well together and it’s such a comforting track. nct’s slower and softer songs like this are very distinct and have a gentle kind of power. listening to it feels like a hug and the harmonies and high notes and the extent of their vocal ranges are just so, so amazing.

rainbow: for all the times i’ve cried to it, i still love it :,) those first lyrics from chenle make me want to bawl my eyes out simply because his tone there is so nostalgic and pretty and sad-sounding, and reading the lyrics makes me even more emotional (or maybe i’m just overly sensitive oops). the softer raps and angelic vocals and every little harmony and adlib are EVERYTHING, this is another song that just suits the unit so well. regardless of their positions this track proves that every single member is beyond capable of being a vocalist. i don’t know why it seems like such a sad and nostalgic song to me, but it’s also really hopeful at the same time. it’s like this dreamscape of emotions (no pun intended), and the video is so otherworldly and enchanted it seems almost magical. the colors and the playground set? their expressions and interactions with one another? i swear, their friendship and bond is unlike any i’ve ever seen. this track also makes me think of how proud i am of them, and i wanna give them all the biggest hug in the world🥺

if you decided to read this whole thing i would like to say i’m sorry for the ramble but also thank you for being interested in what i had to say :)

[corvidshipping]

modern au red/milo dump while i try to get myself together to answer asks nd work on ATJ:

(tw for alcohol mentions near the end, also this is an EXTREMELY long post, its so long that even after i split it into categorized sections each section could be its own post)

CLOTHING

milo absolutely has no sense of fashion. i feel like this is basically canon - for the styles at the time, he dresses fairly basic, mostly focused on looking put together for his job (definitely dresses aimed more towards how he would like to be treated by his peers, despite his actual position - then again our best example outside of the expedition is when he's about to deliver what he considers the most important presentation of his life, so who knows, maybe he usually dresses like a slob). aside from that his main concern seems like practicality and comfort. his wardrobe is dominated by earth tones - beiges and greens set with white and greys. all of that taken into account, i can see him dressing like this in a more modern era:

basically- a lot of cardigans, usually collared shirts or comfortable turtlenecks (since he does still occupy a research position at the smithsonian, even if only in title), big ol' coats, khakis and chinos and slightly stiff dress pants complete with ironed creases. i can see him wearing similar clothes outside work, just more comfortable - jeans and knitted shirts, henleys, more turtlenecks, and comfy cardigans over short sleeved shirts. i dont really see him wearing a lot of prints, i think he'd veer more towards solid clothes in lighter colors, but maybe he has a few. hes definitely the kind of guy to think of wearing the single graphic tee he owns as "bold and wild".

im very married to the idea of him wearing converse though. i cant explain it. milo in converse keeps me going in this world

hes kind of broke so i think maybe he got the converse secondhand maybe? or a gift of some kind. aside from the converse i can see him wearing a lot of oxfords and maybe wingtips

i want to see him in a hawaiian shirt so bad. i am losing it at this thought. he buttons it all the way up to his neck like someones awkward dad. milo wears a hawaiian shirt to "let loose". he wears it with like, khakis. or knee length jorts AHHHHDJHDSGJHDSJGh

a tie??? does he wear his hawaiian shirt with a tie???? does he think it makes it look cooler?????????? i am sobbing

red is the COMPLETE opposite. in the canon 1914 setting, red is already very rebellious for an AFAB person of their era- theyre openly a suffragette, they frequently refuse to wear skirts even in public and dress in mens clothes even before they were openly nonbinary, despite not being accepted into the male-dominated research fields and colleges they continue to educate themself with or without help, they purposely aim for an "unfeminine" silhouette when they dress, refuse to wear corsets, etc. (spoiler alert- there's a clear reason they get on so well with audrey in ATJ)

theyre also easily mistaken by people that didnt know them prior to their transition for being just a very small/young cis man- even though they canonically have a very soft "traditionally feminine" face

so basically, in any era theyre set into, red is always gonna aim to be ahead of the curve- both in their personal beliefs and practices and in their fashion. theyre also very androgynous in their clothes, although they tend to aim a bit more masculine (thats partially due to the era though, and having been forced into skirts exclusively for their entire life- i think in a modern setting where its more acceptable for AFABs to dress and act in a less hyperfeminine way, theyd be more okay with a fluidity in their gender presentation).

all that taken into account, i can see them dressing like this:

lots of baggy clothes, especially baggy jackets and shirts. they like loose fitting high waisted pants like JNCO jeans, cargo pants, etc but they arent averse to pencil legs. they rarely ever wear skinny jeans or drainpipes though. messy hair is a lifestyle for them- their haircut is definitely home-done

you know how in BICSTLY they used to have really long hair before they cut it? in a modern au i can see them impulsively doing the cut at like 3am and waking milo up at his door cause they screwed it up and he ends up having to help fix it (even though hes literally no better at cutting hair than them. worse even)

definitely have an undercut bob- bob on top, shaven on the bottom layer. they might end up growing their hair into a mullet at some point if they get bored. probably dyes their hair all the time out of boredom and then regrets it later and has to use dye remover.

lots of ripped tights and fishnets, leggings with big loose crop tops, big hoodies, safety pin jewelry and homemade jewelry. maybe some sticknpokes.

all that said, they still know how to dress in a professional situation. since its a modern au theres really nothing holding them back from the education and career they canonically want but cant get in the 1910s, so i imagine they would work at the smithsonian as well, maybe their father helped them get the job? potentially in that case they might be his assistant- after all, he trusts their opinion on artifacts more than anyone else's.

at work you can still very much see the punk/skater/grunge/goth style but its more understated- turtlenecks, high waisted and looser dress pants, lots of black, slightly unbuttoned collared shirts with a loose overcoat and no tie

since i elaborated on milos shoe taste i may as well elaborate on red's: they definitely wear converse as well, probably newer than milo's since their father is fairly wealthy and they can afford it. they also have a doc martens collection. they have a pair of demonias but they never wear them and milo is really the only person to even know they own them, let alone see them in them. they really dont like to wear heels much, but they own a few just to play around with. they have a bad habit of wearing any laced shoes untied, but they never trip over the laces. they also use lace code- their most-worn Docs have purple laces on the right foot and yellow on the left. some of their Docs have (reclaimed) pink laces.

has an extensive pin collection including feminism pins, anti-racism pins, punk-related pins, skater-related pins, and pop culture pins (80s music, modern music, old movies, etc)

MUSIC TASTE

milo's into a lot of older music- stuff from the 50s is his favorite. really into jazz and ballroom style stuff. his favorite band is queen, i think- he likes the old-fashioned sound, the jazz-chamber-ballroom influences, the diversity of their lyrics, and the complexity between the guitar riffs, the basslines, and freddie's vocal runs as well as the vocal harmonies.

sometimes he hums good old fashioned lover boy to red and they two-step in the living room in their pajamas :pleading:

also very into rush. yes, he is a rush guy :pensive:.

also listens to a surprising amount of lo-fi? he really likes stuff that remixes older music with hip hop and lofi elements, like earl grey. nearly exclusively into instrumental stuff but also very into louie zong. he listens to it while he works a lot.

knows a lotttt of foreign artists, especially niche ones. fuckin LOVES casiopea

red's spotify is a goddamn mess. everything from 2000s emo, to classic 70s punk, to post-punk and new wave, to 90s pop, to rap. they cant be easily classified at all

their favorite bands are oingo boingo, prince, queen (they listen to a lot of their harder-rock music, but milo knows theyre into the ballads too. theyll never tell anyone else though), doja cat, lil nas, fall out boy, and billie eilish.

red recites the intro monologue to lets go crazy very seriously to make milo laugh, sometimes. they get very into it with their facial expressions. sometimes it devolves into a full air guitar/keyboard/drum and wild dancing session. milo does not know how to participate in this but he loves watching them have fun with it. sometimes they pull him off the couch to make him dance with them, though

they are a huge sucker for dark pop, vaporwave, retrowave, EDM, hip hop, emo, punk... etc etc. anything that combines any two or more of those genres in an original or interesting way gets their attention right away

there's a lot of sharing between the two of them- even though their music tastes are so different, they like a lot of the others taste, and theyre always up to listen to whatever their partner is playing.

red is a huge softie, and milo has found them more than once listening to or humming something he was playing for them the other day because it reminded them of him

speaking of which- in the 1914 canon, red can play piano. i think that carries over to a modern au, where they could play piano and by extension keyboard. i like to think they experiment with a lot of instruments but i doubt they ever really mastered any others. maybe theyre okay at drums or bass?

they learned to play and sing teo torriatte for milo, as a surprise. when they first performed it for them, they had everything set up for when he got home from work- the lights were dimmed, they had candles lit around the keyboard, they draped stuff in cloth to make it look pretty, they scattered flower petals around. when milo walked in and saw it all, he almost proposed then and there- the only thing that stopped him was that he would kick himself for the rest of his life if he did that without a ring.

HOBBIES/ACTIVITIES

milo is still an avid chess player in this, but i like to think hes in some kind of groupchat or text or discord server for it. he doesnt necessarily consider any of the others in the chat close friends, but he does know them all by name

he tries to get red into chess but they never really get it

he tells them all about the stuff that goes down in the games and they just. do not understand. but they love listening to him get excited about it anyway

"red you're not gonna BELIEVE this, eddie played an italian game on star today! i thought for sure she would see through it since everyone knows it but she slipped and he beat her in like, 13 moves! i wouldnt have believed it if i hadnt been there!"

"yes sweetie please tell me more" (barely disguised pained expression)

red is a skater and a regular at the skate park by the smithsonian

most regulars there know them by name, they can spot a newbie a mile away

they have a sticker of a broken tv with a skull inside of it on the underside of their board, its become recognized as a symbol of them unofficially

since theyre so regular and have been going there a lot longer than most of the other skaters that frequent the place, a lot of what they say is kind of just accepted as the rules

they have a bad habit of lecturing new kids who show up without knee/elbow pads or helmets at the very least. all the other skaters enforce it too. kids dont end up showing up without protective gear very often after their first visit

they brought a first aid kid and left it there and everyone has kept it stocked pretty well without them having to have much input. its kind of just a communal first aid kit

they once drew the broken tv symbol on the inside of a half-pipe and everyone started calling it red's ramp after that

they also started calling the bowl at the center of the park the Soup Bowl and now thats just accepted as the name. some of the newer kids genuinely thought that it was called that by the park and were shocked when they found out it was just a random nickname red gave it one day

theyve brought milo a few times but hes extremely awkward on his feet and could never really get his balance on a skateboard, and quite frankly red is afraid of what might happen if he tried even a low ramp, so he usually just sits at the rim of the bowl while red skates around

everyone knew he was their boyfriend before they even met him. a few of the regulars called him by name right away. one of them was certain red had brought him before.

but no

they just talk so fuckin much about him that its like they already know him

aside from skateboarding, red is pretty good on rollerskates/blades

they tried to take milo to a roller rink once but it was a disaster and they ended up going home, changing into pajamas, ordering chinese food, and marathoning movies till they fell asleep on the couch together. so not a total loss

theyre both very into movies. red is deep into horror and milo likes indie/art movies and just Cannot handle horror at all, but they both agree on old movies, from the 80s and 90s to like the 30s.

red has shown milo some of the classic horror movies and the niche old ones (from like the 40s) since theyre not difficult to stomach

every so often when red brings up wanting to see a horror movie milo is like "aw babe we can watch that tonight i promise it wont be bad" and he genuinely thinks he can handle it this time

he cant

he never can

it is always a lie

red ends up holding him every time and talking him to sleep, but it thankfully never causes like a major panic attack or anything like that

they love going to museums together, of all kinds. they love art museums. they also go to aquariums and aviaries

sometimes they like to go to other history museums and criticise the veracity or accuracy of exhibits/translations, all in good fun of course. theyre never actually being mean about it

SIDENOTES/UNCATEGORIZED

they both used to work at starbucks, when they were younger and before they worked at the smithsonian. they worked at separate stores 2 blocks from each other.

milo cant stand soda or carbonated drinks, red can and will chug a java monster in order to survive a long workday if they must. milo is constantly concerned for their health and wellbeing

they r both lightweights when it comes to drinking. they can split a six pack and both be falling-over drunk by the end of the night.

given the changes in beauty standards people DEFINITELY think milo is more attractive than they would in 1914. cmon. hes a lil twinky nerd. you think people wont eat that up?

he never really catches onto the flirting much though

did u think i would forget ki/da and the others? youd be wrong.

i simultaneously like the idea of something similar to the movie happening, but also just like... ki/da just being a regular person living on the surface. in either case they r all friends still

in the case of ki/da just being a regular person on the surface- i like the idea of atl/antis just being A Place in this au, maybe its a bit of a closed off country though? like, not many foreigners live there and to get there you basically need to be there as a diplomat or a scholar

maybe ki/da visits DC as a diplomat? she is a princess, after all

red meets audrey online cause they both yell at the same misogynistic asshole on twitter

they exchange discord names in the replies of the tweet and tell the guy not to interrupt them while theyre talking in his replies

i like to think red and milo are selected to go on an academic visit to atl/antis (to learn about the culture, with permission of the king), and audrey ends up as the mechanic on the ship during the visit and theyre like (spiderman pointing meme) at each other

red and audrey have so many inside jokes that they basically speak a different language. milo gets some of the terms from context and pop culture (they use "so very" in real life- as in "wow, that shirt is so very.") but he is hopeless to learn all of it

one of their inside jokes is any variation of "milo hot girl summer" and they REFUSE to explain it to him no matter how much he begs

milo wears that iconique tank top on the ship and they say it literally any time he bends over, picks anything up, reaches for anything, moves, BREATHES. he is bewildered and at this point concerned

(in truth, the joke came from red taking a really blurry picture of him in a short sleeve shirt where he looked pretty cute and captioned it "milo's having a hot girl summer rn" and they just could not stop repeating it once audrey met him IRL)

they have a minecraft world. i do like to believe that every so often vinny finds a way in- theyre never sure how- and griefs the shit out of them by blowing up EVERY. monument.

this post is getting long bc im enraptured by the idea of an atl/antis modern au so im cutting it off here but expect WAY MORE later

[found--family]

Supernatural 15.17 screener secrets

ONE WAY OR ANOTHER — Dean (Jensen Ackles) hits the road with Jack (Alexander Calvert) who needs to complete a final ritual in the quest to beat Chuck (guest star Rob Benedict). A difference of opinion leaves Sam (Jared Padalecki) and Castiel (Misha Collins) behind looking for answers to questions of their own. 

Catriona McKenzie directed the episode written by Meredith Glynn (#1517). Original airdate 10/29/2020.

If you want to know what to expect from this week’s Supernatural, here’s 10 teasers plus 15 single word clues from our advance viewing of Supernatural season 15, episode 17 “Unity.”

1️⃣ This episode is full – like, really, really full, like, don’t blink, no bathroom breaks, no cellphone checking, no laggy livestream, glue your eyes to the screen full. There is pay-off of the season-long setups. There are brand new setups to boggle over. There are big definitive answers. There are big new questions. There will be shocks for some viewers, and satisfying “I knew it” moments for others. There is a very large volume of information and plot in this episode. That is in no way a bad thing – it’s checking- the-clock and saying “Whoa, I can’t believe how much we’ve just gotten and we’ve still got ten minutes?!” exciting-full, not “Oh my god, how do we possibly still have ten minutes..” dragging-full – think “Beat the Devil,” not “Family Feud.” Except for that because it is the real endgame, the impact is really unprecedented.

2️⃣ It also has a bit of unusual structure, which serves that fullness well – it’s topped with various scene-setting elements in the first act, and it then becomes a series of three vignettes, labelled for the core character of each track, and intentionally placed this way so that you get all the information from one track, then all the information from the second track, and then finally the third, rather than putting the pieces together about the episode’s consequences by cutting back and forth between various parties. All the tracks smash back together in the final ten minutes and Consequences Ensue.

3️⃣ The promo pictures show that Jack and Amara meet in this episode, and Emily Swallow gave us a funny little teaser about that meeting. The reality is actually heart-warming – and a little heart-wrenching. It’s only a few beats, Alexander Calvert, Emily Swallow, Meredith Glynn and Catriona McKenzie have spun me into a whole world of Auntie Amara fantasies based on this moment.

4️⃣ Sam and Dean both give Jack some words of gratitude, praise, encouragement and pride about the sacrifice Jack is willing to make. Those are two very different conversations with some very different personal motivations and outcomes, but they’re each really special in their own way.

5️⃣ Amara is a precious and noble soul, and she deserves the entire world. I love her, and I’m only partially saying this because she spends the whole episode dressed like Harry Styles, right down to the multiple pairs of leopard print boots. Since she calmed herself in season 11, her outlook about the world Chuck created has blossomed into something beautiful and we get to really delve on that here. I loved hearing her thoughts and feelings. She doesn’t deserve how her two best guys have been treating her.

6️⃣ The teaser trailer showed us Adam – the Biblical Adam, not the half-brother Adam. He’s played by Alessandro Juliani of Battlestar Galactica fame, and he’s sort of… brilliant. He’s really interesting in a lot of ways, and visiting him is the focus of the Dean and Jack vignette. The woman you’ve seen in pictures and promos isn’t Eve, it’s Adam’s lover Serafina. They have been together for a very, very, very long time. Adam and Serafina are lovely and funny and chill and adorable, horny hippy-dippy weirdos, but there’s an old rage and a steel in Adam that hasn’t gone away, and there’s a moment it lights up in Juliani’s eyes where I was like “Oh, I entirely see how you and Tim Omundson’s Cain are related.” The fact that Serafina has stood by Adam, shared his anger and helped him make his plan also raises some fascinating questions.

7️⃣ Speaking of things in people’s eyes, Jensen Ackles is absolutely mining his own resources to deliver some really incredible moments – faces, expressions, vocal tones that we have never seen from Dean before, and all that helps to signify how fractured he is by this point in the season. There are several great examples – particularly one where you see just it in his eyes, the panic and regret of not choosing differently a millisecond too late – but ultimately, all of Dean’s anger and fear and inability to come to terms with Chuck and trust his own sense of autonomy is going to come to a head, overtaking him and blinding him in a really shocking moment.

8️⃣ We learn the ins and outs of the plan for Jack to die – what will actually happen to him that kills him – and the phrasing used to describe it, when placed next to the phrasing of some other ideas we hear a moment earlier from the same party, raised a few questions and both of my eyebrows about a potentially catastrophic catch. Alex Calvert is great in this episode, by the way – there’s a real change in Jack, a gravity and maturity that’s extremely sad.

9️⃣ Sam’s biggest moments are hard to describe without being truly plot-spoilery, but let’s just say this: When Sam and Castiel are left alone together, the result is often some really truly reckless behaviour in the name of “finding a better way.” Without Dean’s objectonary oar stuck in, tempering them, both of them separately are liable to take massive personal risks and that gets exacerbated when they’re doing something important together without Dean’s knowledge. That is no exception here, and there’s a look they exchange where they both clearly know this is potentially a bad idea, but it is the best they have, so they push on. Sam’s resoluteness shines through at every turn in the episode – in what he believes is best for Jack, in his need for information, the plan he and Cas come up with, in what actually happens and who he faces when he executes that plan, alone and defenseless, and finally, in the moment of greatest need imaginable. Sam is so brave in this episode, and so terrified, and so reckless, and so smart under pressure.

🔟 There’s a comment made by Chuck about Castiel – at a moment when Chuck truly has no reason to fabricate anything – that reveals or confirms the answer to a question about Cas that I personally have had for a very long time, and I think that many other fans have had as well, though some people may already feel firmly one way or the other. No, it’s not about the deal. No, it’s not about Dean – well, not directly. It’s a question that I’ve been asking about the fundamentals of Castiel’s whole being, since season 8, maybe, upon reflection, even since season 4.

Finally, have 15 random yet significant words from this week’s episode without any context whatsoever: skittles, fans, courage, book, broken, spark, alive, crazy, scythe, gun, failure, fractals, tired, smile, Thursday. 

‘Supernatural’ airs Thursday at 8/7c on The CW

[welanabananaworld]

Ouija, Origin of Evil and the profane voice - Part I

Though extremely shocking and disturbing, children happen to be at the core of major horror films. Samara in The Ring (2002), Dalton in Insidious (2010), Dany and the Grady twins in The Shining (1980), the children in Sinister (2012), Thomas in The Orphanage (2007) are among many other examples that prove the existence of an entire branch of horror cinema built on the mythology of the malevolent child. Why is the figure of the child so prevalent? Why should the most innocent and purest human beings be the main characters of films that are  gruesome, violent and whose public age is strictly restricted? Precisely because their vulnerability and purity of soul make them easily influenced and manipulated by external forces. Besides, children are known to have an overwhelming imagination and a propensity to trust which are necessary to open the boundaries between the worlds of the living and the dead in accordance with the codes of the genre. 

In addition to this, the more the prey is opposite to our expectations and subverts our beliefs of what is proper and what is not, the more the fright and fascination are potent. To consider a child as a monster, a killer or a possessed body is beyond our general understanding, hence the uncanny appeal of creepy children. 

As pointed out by Alison Nastasi in her article published online on Hopes&Fears, this devious appeal for corrupted and murderous children portrayed in horror films might echo to « real-world fears about parenting, gender and social responsibility. »; a theory supported by Joe Dante’s comments about the subject : « Could it be connected to the fact that more and more parents have difficulty balancing work responsibilities [and] child-rearing (not to speak of nurturing their own relationships, personal and career aspirations) and are squeezed financially by the costs of raising children […]? Therefore, is it any wonder that children in genre movies are portrayed as powerful, disruptive, and uncontrollable? Perhaps these menacing moppet movies reflect the fears inherent in helicopter parenting—that the minute you take your eyes off your child, something dreadful will happen. » In any case, the films in question use the creepy kid trope in order to suggest that something is wrong, that the natural order of things is being shattered. 

The corruption of innocence can take many forms but the most interesting one to study in relation to the narrative role of the voice in cinema is the threat of an invasion from the Beyond. In Ouija: Origin of Evil (2016), supernatural forces hold a young girl hostage by inhabiting her body and making it go through such transformations (vocal and physical) as to change it beyond recognition.

Taking place in 1967 in Los Angeles, Ouija: Origin of Evil tells the story of the Danzer family. Alice, a spiritual medium, is striving to make ends meet after the loss of her husband and father of her two children by hosting readings in her own house with the help of her daughters, Lina (15) and Doris (9). Running a declining scam business, in which Alice pretends to talk to the dead to bring closure to people and the girls help her out with tricks intended to make it all real, Lina suggests her mother to add a ouija board as a new prop to modernise her readings. The factitious dimension of the ritual which unfolds through the display of ingenious devices (stretchable table, a cupboard big enough to hide Doris, extinguishable candles…) is both an ironical comment on how fake spiritism is going to beat the family at their own game by revealing its true power and also a cleverly designed introduction to set the tone and build the tension. 

All the ingredients are here to turn the ouija experience into a nightmare. The bereaved family is craving for a contact whatsoever with their loved one, little Doris first. She wishes she could talk to her father at a seance like other people do when they come and see her mother for help, that is why she does not talk to god directly but instead send prayers to her dad every night before going to bed. Contrary to Lina who is a teenager in complete denial and pushes down her feelings, Alice and Doris seek communication and are open to it, hence the evil befalling on them. 

Portrayed as an angelic but lonely and bullied girl who is deeply grieving her father and believes in the blurry frontiers between the worlds of the living and the dead, Doris becomes the perfect human and tangible vessel through which supernatural forces can express themselves. All starts with the introduction of the ouija board as a prop into the house and with Alice breaking the three rules which are to never play alone, in a graveyard and never forget to say goodbye. At this very moment, Doris becomes inhabited by Marcus’s spirit whose identity is yet to be defined. How does this possession first transpire? Through speaking. Marcus uses Doris’s voice to start materializing and, as soon as she touches the board, the voices appear all around her, thus enabling the world of the Beyond to let in. 

Doris is progressively attracted by the ouija board which makes her believe she is talking to her father, Roger. They are deceitful spirits who do everything to earn her trust to better trap her, hence the hint at the money buried in the cellar. Contrary to Lina who is far from being fooled, Alice thinks her youngest child is gifted and asks her for help. As the readings follow one another, the trap is closing in around Doris who starts feeling pain in her neck at the same time she excels in the occult. She can now reproduce the voice of the deceased summoned during the seance. 

Once she is fully possessed, Doris first goes through a radical physical and behavior transformation by becoming lethargic, stolid, her eyes often turned white when no one is watching her. Besides, her vocal abilities also go through creepy changes. In addition to mimic the deceased’s voice during the readings, adults’ voices, Doris keeps whispering in people’s ears in a demonic way when the evil entity starts spreading its malevolent influence on the whole family. 

When the film reaches its climax and Doris fully assumes the devil’s voice, which is guttural, otherworldly and distorted by hatred, she no longer is a young innocent child. Marcus’s spirit corrupts and perverts Doris to achieve revenge by desecrating her body and soul and making her utter bloodcurdling things. The scene which most epitomizes the figure of the violated child is when Doris explains step by step to Lina’s boyfriend how it feels like to be strangled to death. The most uncomfortable thing about it is to witness the contrast between what she says and the sweet voice in which she says it with an angelic smile on her face. The mise-en-scène that keeps stressing Doris’s vocal changes, by shooting her facing the camera (or the fourth wall) as if she was already part of the Beyond, is meant to emphasize the element through which she is channelling these powers and forces : the mouth.

The mouth as an organic element  stands as a kind of leitmotiv throughout the film inasmuch as the possession of Doris’s body and soul by the demonic entity is made complete through that means. One night, Doris is awakened by her pain in the neck and gets assaulted by a dark creature who thrusts his devilish arm into her throat. This shadowy creature, one can notice, has no mouth or rather a distorted sewed one, similar to Lina’s mouth when she looks at herself in the mirror one night. At the light of these elements, what was supposed to be a nightmare was in fact real and prophetic.

But what can be the meaning of the recurring imagery of the sealed mouth (see  also Lina’s doll)? Who is Marcus? Why is he portrayed as an evil spirit? What does he want from Doris and her family? He clearly states his purpose when trying to possess Lina’s soul : to snatch her voice.

Father Tom Hogan, a friend of the family, is the one who uncovers the ugly truth behind Doris’s pretended benevolent gift of clairvoyance. She is not channelling good forces but Marcus’s spirit, a man who happened to have been mutilated and murdered in this house a few decades ago. After the second world war, a twisted nazi doctor, called the devil’s doctor in the camps, escaped to America where he succeeded to get hired in a mental institution. He went on practicing his sadistic experiments on patients in the basement of his house. In order to do it, he cut out their tongues, severed their vocal cords and sewed their mouths so that no one could hear them from above. However, Marcus’s story does not end with his death. Violently murdered, he never rested in peace but instead was doomed to wander in the cold darkness of the underworld among other desperate, voiceless souls and malevolent creatures who must have been summoned by the doctor who was into the occult. 

In the end, Marcus, who has been silenced by force, deprived of his own voice and overtaken by the surrounding evil influence in the Beyond, seeks revenge against god and people who have the ability to express themselves, eaten away as he is by hatred, frustration and pain. The only way for him to exorcise the horrible things he has been through is to communicate and hurt others, but for that a voice and a body are needed, hence his attempts to snatch the family’s voices. That is the only way to be heard and to have an influence outside his doomed world. Helped by her father’s good spirit, Lina grabs needle and thread and silences her sister for ever,  thus fighting hard against the entity who strives to engulf her.

Ouija, Origin of Evil, like many other horror films, uses the voice and its communicative powers as narrative tools to address issues and challenge notions such as grief, loss, family unity, parenting, revenge, alternative beliefs, suffering, innocence, corruption, violation and religion. Religion…such a crucial theme whose set of practices and beliefs makes it the most cherished subject of the genre. Any idea which emblematic film is yet to be analyzed in the perspective of the profane voice and corruption of innocence?

[jenoptimist]

5 times you try to confess to him and fail plus the 1 time you succeed

1

Today is the day you are going to do it. There can’t be a day that triumphs Valentine’s Day when confessing feelings, right? At least that’s what Kunhang and Yangyang have been telling you for the past two weeks leading up to the festive date. According to them, there is no other day to do it but then.

It is absolute chaos trying to make chocolate the day before with them zooming around the kitchen and distracting you with their hilarious antics but you persevere, resulting in cute heart shaped chocolates. You place it in the fridge overnight so it can set, preparing the small paper bag you want to pack it in as well as a small, rectangular card with a simple note.

They walk along with you, flanked on either side, singing love songs teasingly while acting out overly dramatic scenes involving hand holding and making kissy faces at the air. Their contagious smiles are enough to coax a laugh out of you even as the anxiousness keeps building up inside you, enough to make you feel faint. The high nerves make you grip tighter onto the cute paper bag they helped you choose two days ago.

“You’ve got this!” Kunhang cheers enthusiastically, punching the air for emphasis, as you begin to approach your destination. At the nervous look you give him he wraps his wiry arm around your shoulder. “You do! Right, Yang?”

“Of course!” Yangyang huffs out. “How could anybody ever reject you?” 

Just as you are about to begin the long list of the amount of times you have ever been rejected which, to be fair, has only ever been twice but twice too many if anyone were to ask you, Kunhang redirects your attention.

“There he is! Now’s your chance.”

“Maybe this is a bad idea.” You mumble, watching as your crush approaches his locker.

Dread washes over you at their twin looks of mischief and before you can tell them off, they are already shoving you towards your crush while yelling his name loudly. Kun looks back, spotting the two of them in an instant and immediately greeting them with his gorgeous smile. The bright smile remains on his face even as his gaze switches from them to you.

“Hey,” he welcomes as you slowly walk closer towards him, hands behind your back to hide your present. “How are you, y/n?” Struck by the pretty shape of his eyes and how they seem to sparkle (how do they even do that?) in the sunlight, you end up stuttering pathetically. And because Kun is an absolute angel, he doesn’t make fun of you. Just waits patiently for you to gather your words.

“I’m good thanks! What about you?”

“I’m great, thank you. How is your assignment? Do you need more help with the calculations?”

“Oh my assignment is going good!” You try not to visibly cringe at the tone your voice takes on. “I, just, uh. Well.” Inhaling deeply, you think of your friends cheering in your head in hopes of raising your courage. “I came over here because-” 

“Kun!” A bell-like voice calls. From behind Kun, you can make out the figure of one of the popular girls. She’s surrounded by her friends, giggling among one another, and you can’t help the irritation that stirs in your gut as you watch her twirl her hair around her fingers. “We have our student council meeting now! Should we walk together?”

“Sure. Just a minute.” Kun answers and when he turns back to face you, her and her minions glare daggers at you. They mouth something at you as well but the joke is on them because you aren’t good at lip reading. Judging by their nasty facial expressions, it’s probably just some stupid threat, so you turn your attention back Kun. “Please continue what you were saying.” And he is so sweet, being patient with you and everything, but you can’t have him late for his meeting. Plus the courage you have built up has dwindled due to the presence of the vice president and her clique.

“No, it’s okay. You go on ahead! Can’t be late for your meeting.” You tell him, chuckling awkwardly at the end.

His brows furrow, the corners of his lips curling into a frown. “Are you sure?”

“Yep! Totally.” 

“Well okay.” He says hesitantly, looking uncertain. “See you later?”

“Of course!”

You watch him walk away as you kick at nothing, fighting down the urge to scream bloody murder when the vice president looks back at you and smirks smugly as she cozies up next to him while chatting his ear off. Her giggle echoes in your mind as you leave the building.

“Well?” Your friends say in unison, expressions bright with anticipation.

You thrust the bag at them. “Here, you guys have it.” They mirror each other’s look of confusion and before they can ask, you beat them to the punch. “No, he didn’t reject me. He was running late for the student council meeting.” They still look unsure about whether or not they should take your chocolates but you swish your hand at them dismissively. At least the people you love can eat your hard work. They scarf down the sweet treats in a matter of minutes, bellowing praises at you exaggeratedly.

Later you are awfully grateful when they buy you ice-cream to help cheer up your mood because it helps you eat your feelings of regret. Damn your vice president.

2

It would be so easy to do it now. 

Everything is perfect; it’s just the two of you alone since the other member of your group project is a no-show. The two of you are at a small, cozy café with textbooks surrounding the table, Kun focused on his laptop while you gather the information for him from the textbooks to include in the project. You can barely hear the music as you watch him stare at the screen in complete concentration as he types, the sound of his fingers hitting the keys somewhat comforting to your ears.

“What is it?” He asks without looking at you, pressing the backspace to delete a sentence that you mutually agreed doesn’t sound good. Should you tell him? Maybe. But it isn’t the time though, is it? The two of you are just here to do your project after all. There’s faint voices in your head, sounding awfully like Kunhang and Yangyang, calling you a chicken and mimicking clucks. The mental image of them moving around and making chicken noises is enough to bring a goofy smile onto your face. Alright. It’s decided. You’ll do it.

“Kun,” you call as you square your shoulders, waiting for him to give you his full attention before continuing. Swallowing audibly, you begin your sentence. “I’ve been meaning to–”

“Sorry I’m late guys! I know, I suck, but I’ll treat you guys to lunch! Promise!” Yongqin says breathlessly as he reaches your table. A groan threatens to escape your lips but you hold it in, listening as Yongqin vents about the terrible morning he has had while you resist the urge to slam your head on the table. “Have I missed anything?” The two of you shake your heads at him and take turns at updating him on the work that you have done so far as he produces his tablet from his tote bag.

Kun looks at you expectantly, probably waiting for you to finish what you were saying earlier but you wave him off. Yongqin watches the interaction pass between the two of you, wiggling his eyebrows and he winks at you when he’s sure Kun doesn’t notice. The rest of the day involves him play flirting with you like he always does, mischief in his eyes, only hesitating when Kun mumbles something about you being uncomfortable. Yongqin’s eyes sparkle brighter at that though, as if he’s hit the jackpot, and resumes his flirting–laying it on even thicker than before.

Weeks later, when you receive a stellar grade for the project, Yongqin is still play flirting with you and you desperately hope that Kun doesn’t get the wrong impression. You still haven’t told him your feelings about him after all, so you don’t want him to think that there is anything going on between you and Yongqin.

3

Baffled at Dejun’s suggestion, you continue to look at him as if he has grown a second head. Sure, you know that he is a big romantic but his idea? Definitely out of the question. How could he think you could serenade Kun? Has Dejun heard your voice? You can’t sing for your life! Karaoke is fun because none of you take it seriously but to actually sing a full song and mean it? With your vocals? That is a big no-no. You tell him as much.

“What!” Dejun exclaims. “Why not? C’mon! Just imagine it.” He wraps his arm around your shoulder, steering you around, as his other hand raises in the air as if to create a picture. “Him and you, alone on the rooftop at night, the stars shining bright while you sing your love for him.” Sucking a breath through his teeth he adds, “it would be so perfect.”

“I don’t love him.”

“Wha- That’s all you got out of my vision?!” At your deadpan expression he says, while swatting his hand at the air, “alright, fine. Sing your feelings for him or whatever you wanna call them.”

Eventually, however, you do give in to his idea. Although you lack the vocal skills, you have to admit; serenading seems like a very unique way to confess your feelings to him. Besides, Dejun promised that he would help you–seeing that is his ‘brilliant’ masterplan. You are extremely thankful for his resolve to train your vocals since him and his entire family are musically inclined.

It’s a month later and while you aren’t Grammy Award ready, you certainly have improved. The palpitation of your heart is all you can hear in your ears as you wait for Kun at the rooftop that the two of you frequent when you want to stargaze. The crisp weather nips at you which makes you worry at your lip, knowing how much Kun despises the cold. Maybe this is a bad idea, he could catch a cold or something. Should you cancel? Maybe you should.

Kun appears seconds into your internal debate, making sure to leave the fire exit open, you take in how cute he looks all bundled up in his parka paired with a thick scarf that’s neatly wrapped around his neck and the beanie you got for him for his last birthday. As always, he greets you with that shining smile of his while he makes his way over to you. You return his welcome just as heartily albeit laced with nervousness.

“So, stargazing?”

This is it. You are going to sing to him and then confess your feelings for him. Geez, you are so nervous that your palms become clammy which causes you to rub them on your sweats. Would he like it? You sure hope he did. He didn’t even have to like you back. It would be amazing if he did but knowing your luck, he would probably reject you. You know he will be nice about it because, well, he’s Kun–one of the biggest sweethearts you know.

“Well, uh, actually,” damn it could you get straight to the point?! “I didn’t ask you here to stargaze.”

“Oh?” His faces scrunches adorably in confusion, “then what do you want to do?”

When you are about to reply, it begins to rain. Not the light sort rain, of course, because you are extremely unfortunate. No, instead it downright pours and a hysteric laugh almost pulls itself out of you. Was the universe trying to say something? Maybe Eros has decided that you two aren’t meant to be. Goodness, of course the weather had to be atrocious the night you decide to confess your feelings on the rooftop–the weather has been perfect all week! The weather app must have lied to you. The creators will definitely be reading a review from you. Ugh.

You’re pulled out of your thoughts by Kun grabbing your hand and leading you back inside the apartment complex that you both live in. He leaves no room for you to expose your plan, instead quickly ushers you back to your floor and tells you to take a hot shower and drink some tea to prevent you from becoming ill. You allow him to fuss over you, promising that you will do as he says as he bids you goodbye.

After closing the door of your home, you loudly smack your forehead against the wood and stay there for a minute or two, resisting the urge to scream, before composing yourself. When you spin around, you find your dad and older brother blinking at you owlishly.

“Don’t even ask.” You grumble, accutely aware of the wetness that has crawled into your socks. Stupid fabric shoes.

“You look like a wet kitten.” You stick your tongue out at your brother who in turn kicks lightly at your leg when you pass by him on your way to the bathroom.

4

“The way to a man’s heart is his stomach.” Yukhei informs you confidentally. “But I know you can’t cook.” You make an indignant noise but he shrugs unrepentantly at you, knowing that he is right. “So here’s what you do; after school stomp up to him and just say it confidently. ‘I love you, Kun! Please tell me you love me too!’ Or whatever you want to say.”

“Why do all of you think I’m in love with him!” You all but shout. Yukhei shushes you, glancing apologetically at the patrons at the diner you both work out. There are barely any people–Sunday afternoons are always dead so he’s just being dramatic as usual. “And besides, it’s easy for you to say! You practically reek of confidence.”

As he’s about to reply, his eyes wander behind you and then he dashes away from you all the while claiming something about how he promised your manager that he would take stock of the napkins. At first you don’t question it because it’s Yukhei–he probably did forget to do it or something. However, when you turn around to keep your eyes on the area, allowing you to slyly check on the customers that are present, you spot Kun approaching the counter.

That mischievous lanky brat.

“Hey Kun! Table for one?” You greet, already grabbing a menu from underneath the counter.

“I’ll just sit here, if it’s okay?” He replies, gesturing at the seat a few meters down.

“Yeah, no, totally! That’s totally alright!” If you could face palm, you would. Curse Yukhei for leaving you on the floor alone.

“Any recommendations for today?” He inquires as you pour him a glass of water. You list off what you like from the menu, avoiding anything that included salmon due to his aversion of it. When you have taken his order and given it to the chefs, the two of you slip into easy conversation while you tend to the other customers in between.

After Kun’s meal, Yukhei emerges from the back and pretends that he wasn’t the one to see him walk through the door first. The tall teen makes sure to slip in the fact that your shift is over somewhere in the conversation that the two of them have, winking at you exaggeratedly when the older teen isn’t looking. Kun offers to wait for you, smiling pleasantly, and how could you say no? Simple, you don’t.

Before you leave, Yukhei ruffles your hair and wishes you good luck. As you turn back to look at him, exiting the diner with your crush, he flashes you two thumbs up with a large grin. “Confidence!” He encourages silently, punching the air.

The thought of confessing slips inside your mind as Kun takes you on a detour, asking you whether or not you would like to go to the museum with him. He’s been meaning to go, he informs you, but something always comes up or none of your mutual friends are free. Knowing them, they probably refused on purpose so that he would end up going with you. That’s what you suspect, anyway, and you are almost one hundred percent sure that you’re right.

You go because you have never refused Kun and you aren’t about to start today. At the end of the day, after you have done various activities, you are absolutely positive that your feelings are going to bubble over and that you’ll end up word vomitting your confession.

Fortunately (or is it unfortunately?) that doesn’t happen because his mom ambushes your little hang out and that’s how you find yourself in the supermarket, you and Kun trailing behind her with one basket each as she ticks off the items on her grocery list.

5

The sun shining brightly is the reason why you find yourself at the beach. The others are playing in the water, splashing at each other as they yell over one another. Except for Kun and Sicheng, that is. Kun is taking a stroll by himself, taking pictures every now and again, while Sicheng lays next to you on his towel. The two of you swap stories which allows you to confide in him about your current obstacle. He listens patiently, nodding empathically here and there and laughing at Dejun’s ‘ridiculous’ plan.

“Maybe I’m not meant to tell him.” You sigh dejectedly, flopping onto your back dramatically as you close your eyes to shield them from the sun.

Sicheng hums thoughtfully. A moment of silence before he decides to say something. “Or maybe you’re thinking too much about it. It doesn’t have to be the perfect confession as long as you get your feelings across, right?” You open your right eye to peek at him. “When it’s meant to be it’ll happen.”

You roll so that you’re holding up your weight on your forearms. “When did you get so wise?” Sicheng shrugs at you. “I dunno. Maybe you’re right. But I also don’t want to just wait forever either, you know?” From behind your friend, you watch as Kun’s figure slowly becomes a dot in the distance.

“And?” At your guilty look he huffs out a laugh, “I know you better than you think so go on, finish your sentence.”

“And,” you add, returning his curious stare. “Nothing will happen if I don’t do anything.” You avert your stare back to Kun. Should you go up to him? He is walking alone. But maybe he wants to be alone and that’s why he didn’t stay with you and Sicheng. Yeah, he probably wants some solitude–he has been a bit stressed lately.

“Go,” Sicheng tells him, lazily throwing some sand in your direction. “I know you want to.” Your mouth twists at his command. You don’t want to leave him alone. He seems to hear what you are thinking and clicks his tongue at you. “I’ll be fine. Now go, create your opportunity.”

“Thanks. You’re the best.” And with that you haul yourself up, building up courage while fighting off the nerves as you make your way to Kun who is steadily returning to your group. When you are finally a few meters from him, you recall what Yukhei told you previously and square your shoulders as you stomp over to him. Confidence. All you need to do is channel your inner Yukhei–his confidence is out of this world and you find it extremely admirable.

The only thing you manage to utter is a greeting because suddenly there is a wet snout pressing into the back of your legs and when you whirl your head around, you find and extremely friendly looking dog staring up at you before it barks loudly. The cute retriever looks like it’s begging you to play which leaves you no choice but to bend down and coo at it, scratching at it’s ears. Kun is quick to huddle beside you and mimic your actions.

“Sorry ‘bout that!” Comes the breathless voice of the owner, “aw he likes you!”

With your opportunity lost, you do nothing but smile brightly at the owner as you shower compliments about her pet.

+1

Taking Sicheng’s words from weeks ago into consideration, you decide not to try and create any opportunities. Instead you let time take its course–which proves to be difficult due to your impatient nature. To distract yourself, you dabble in various activities; Yongqin and Sicheng teach you how to dance, Kunhang and Yangyang alternate between taking you to the arcade and cinema, Dejun and Yukhei go to different food joints with you. When you aren’t with them, you spend your time on the rooftop reading books or painting whichever paint-by-numbers you have recently purchased. Today you find yourself reading the book that you purchased a few days ago, your back against the brick wall of the building.

“Hey,” Kun’s voice calls out from somewhere ahead of you. As you place your thumb in between the pages so you don’t lose your spot, he takes a seat on the ground beside you so that the two of you are shoulder to shoulder. “Haven’t seen you in a while.”

“Yeah,” you agree blandly, “the boys have been hogging up all of my time.”

The explanation ensues a long conversation about what the two of you have done over the past few weeks, catching each other up with what either of you haven’t mentioned through the text messages that you have sent each other. Somehow along the way, and you are incredibly perplexed as to how it even happened in the first place, Kun ends up laying his head on your lap as you read your book aloud to him from the very beginning. At first you catch a glimpse of him smiling contently from the top of your book, his eyes closed as he catches the sun’s rays. But now, four chapters in, you find that he is sleeping–you can tell by the way his features have relaxed and the way he breathes in a slow, constant pattern. You stare at him for what feels like aeons simply because you can without being called out.

“Kun,” you whisper as you trace the slope of his nose down to the curve of his cupid’s bow. “I’ve been meaning to tell you for a while but I like you. Like, butterfly eruptions in my tummy and sweaty palms kind of like. I’ve liked you for months at this point and it’s okay if you don’t like me back or anything, I just had to tell you.”

Unlike in the movies or dramas that you have watched, your crush doesn’t open his eyes at your confession and demand what you say before declaring his own feelings towards you. Instead he remains as asleep, blissfully unaware of your confession. You eye him for a bit longer, internally cursing that you didn’t bring your phone with you so that you can snap a picture, before returning to your book.

*

It’s game night with the boys and this time it’s at Yongqin’s house. You and Kun brought the huge load of snacks while the others bring a selection of board games and extra sets of Nintendo Switch controllers. It’s all fun and games until they get bored and decide to play truth or dare. You love the boys, really you do, but you swear that you are going to end up exploding on them with the way the game is going. For the past half an hour they have been on your case, squeezing you to admit your feelings for Kun and every time you take the penalty. At this point you can’t even look your crush in the eye, too busy glaring a hole into the floor of Yongqin’s living room. Even Sicheng and Dejun are trying hard to make you voice your feelings.

“You know what,” you snap as you stand up, “I’m going to get a drink.” They whine at you but all you do is give them a stink eye before stomping away. They know what they are doing. Why can’t they just accept that it is never going to happen no matter how much they try catch you out with their truths and dares.

After gulping your ice-tea you remain in the kitchen, choosing to stare out the window rather than to return to your friends. You pour yourself another glass, downing the beverage before settling on eyeing the bottom of the cup. Would it hurt them to leave you alone? And what happened to Sicheng’s advice? Gosh, knowing him he probably was bribed into their plan with the promise corn chips or something. Ugh. One more glass and you’ll go back. Hopefully they wake up and realize that they need stop their antics. They mean well, you know they do, but if they don’t stop you’ll go home.

“Sorry about them.” Kun apologizes awkwardly as he appears through the doorway while your pouring your final glass. You almost drop it in shock because of his surprise entrance, your mood gradually mellowing at the sight of him.

You huff out a laugh, rolling your eyes. “You have nothing to be sorry about. They’re just being stupid.”

Kun shrugs, leaning against the doorframe. “Yeah, you’re right. But they wouldn’t be poking fun at you if it weren’t for me.”

“Weren’t for you?” You echo in confusion. “What are you talking about? The only reason why they keep egging me is because they want me to admit that I like you.” There’s a pause as the two of you sink in what you have just disclosed. “Wait! That wasn’t–! I mean–” The groan that escapes you isn’t loud enough to drown the sound of your racing heart. Of course this would happen to you. Could the ground please swallow you?

“You like me?” The tone of his voice isn’t the one you imagined he would use–a soft, pitying one while he rejects you. It isn’t that at all. Rather, it’s one of awe. As if he can’t believe what he has just heard. “Really?”

Not trusting your voice, you nod at him while sneaking a peek at his expression through your lashes. The sheer glee plastered on his face gives you enough courge to stare at him head on. Something warm and fuzzy settles in you when you realize that you have only seen this expression a handful of times.

“Yeah,” you confirm, swallowing audibly before you continue. “I do. I really, really do. I’ve had a crush you since you offered to help us move into the building.”

“That was three years ago.”

“Yeah. And my feelings have only grown since then.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” The silence that follows is agonizing. “Well,” you say, unable to hide the awkwardness that shines through, “I, uh, better head back in I guess. They’re probably looking for us.” You avert your gaze as you inch towards the door, hoping that this is all a dream because him not saying anything is better than rejection. “Uh, excuse me.”

Kun doesn’t move from where he is blocking the door. “Wait! Sorry! I just can’t believe that you like me back.”

“Oh.” You whisper breathlessly. Well, that changes everything. “So since we both like each other,” you start saying as you lick your lips nervously, “would you maybe like to go on a date next Saturday?”

“Of course I would! Pick you up at two?”

“Two is good.” You confirm shyly, smiling stupidly at the tiled floor. Kun’s hand appears in your vision and although your hands are slightly clammy, you take it anyway, allowing him to lead the two of you back to the others.

The rest of the boys break out in wild cheers the second they spot the two of you holding hands. Your jaw drops when, after the mini celebration has ended, they hand cash over to Yongqin.

“What?” He asks innocently as he stuffs the notes into his pocket.

“You’re all ridiculous.” Is your answer as you and Kun take a seat on the couch.

“Ridiculous?” Kunhang repeats, “you want to hear ridiculous?” He then begins recalling his version of how ‘painful it was to watch you and Kun dance around each other’. Which begins a chain reaction, the others dramatically telling it from their points of view. But even as you slowly sink in the chair, your cheeks flaring, you find that you don’t mind considering you got your dream boy.