#i hurt myself with my own character...
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Note
Do you think Mac has jacked off while reading the Bible? Or is he too ashamed? Or does the shame just turn him on more? Are the pages of his Bible all stuck together?
Oh, I don't think; we know:
(Pages stuck together, thanks for the confirmation, Charlie)
I think the shame definitely turns him on more, considering Mac Day:
And, the connected punishment, lest we forget The Gang Goes to Hell... (and the script here... whew)
While he was repressed then, he wasn't as of Charlie's Home Alone, so I think it's clear to claim that a part of his "homosexual awakening" was connected to the fact that he was gradually getting more and more into the idea of being punished (gone sexual) for his sins, to a point where he was just genuinely jerking off to the "evils of homosexuality"
I do wanna continue here though and say Season 15 is pretty interesting because we see Mac battle between being Catholic and proudly gay. He seemingly has no issue bragging to a Priest in the middle of a church that he's into triple penetration, but it is his sex life that is the driving "reasoning" for why he thinks he should become a Catholic Priest:
He's been "S-ing&F-ing" his way though life for too long and now he thinks God has taken away one of his identities (Irish) as a result. Mac's idea of being punished by/for God continues, but it's now through the form of revocation (as opposed to shame or flagellation). I think there's a clear "connect the dots" idea that depriving himself of sex (via becoming a Priest) is an "evolved" form of allowing God to punish him for being gay.
Obviously Mac learns he was lied to, as he actually is Irish, so his "journey" here is a bit of a wash, but the fact that his rationale jumped to God punishing him for having gay sex still stands. As he grows to accept himself, he's still looking for ways to feel shame (which, as we've seen, gets him off)...
But is the constant seeking for some form of punishment still there? We didn't see much of his Catholicism in Season 16 (I think the only mention of God from Mac was in The Gang Gets Cursed), but we did continue to see his sex life and—well, that was pretty heavy on Mac, openly gay dating, somehow managing to be neglected and deprived of actual gay sex, wasn't it?
#by the golden god no less..#mac mcdonald#iasip#main tagging it why not this is analysis to me#mac meta#ask#also i rewatching sinks in a bog while answering this and#damn the little 'thats what he said' jokes between mac and gus were cute... give him a boyfriend RCG meahesrshhhh#only for an episode tho so dennis can get jealous#ah im seeing myself in my own shitpost#thanks for the ask i doubt this went the way you thought but oh well lol#also.. idk how much of mac's gayness is like. rob avoiding being gay on screen tbh#but this is simply analysis of the character and my interpretation#idk if this is rob's actual intent.#but i like to think he does care about mac's struggle between enjoying being gay while feeling like he HAS to be punished for being gay#ok deep in the tags now cos i cant stfu#hohc kinda hurts this idea that mac gets off to being called a fag lol#but i do have to wonder if there was a point where he did#like prior to his actual gay acceptance and awakening#idk.. lol whatever.. interesting interesting
71 notes
·
View notes
Text
I KNOW I apologized once already but I really can't say it enough I'm SO sorry the raymanposting my blog used to be flooded with has slowed down so much omg 😭🙇♂️ I wouldn't have batted an eye a year or two ago because I used to parkour between f/os literally like every week but most of my followers are here for rayman I think... he's napping right now sorry y'all
#sorry I haven't responded to rayman related asks/dms either#but I have to take a break and distance myself a bit for my own mental health I don't want to become bitter and resentful#I feel like I'm pushing him away but I have to remind myself that like. at the end of the day he is a fictional character#I can't push him away! he can't get hurt. he is pixels on a screen. I can always come back to him at a later point when I'm doing better#it's just hard!!! 😭#either way taking a break has done WONDERS for my mood and mental health so I will keep vibing like I am now 🙏#I'm overthinking it I think!#mine
34 notes
·
View notes
Text
various sketches from the server of my cleric sisters
My goals in my art are to
make art
have fun making art
#my art#curse of strahd#d&d oc#kasia of st andral#d&d oc art#it hurts to draw them right now#but i have to push through#i refuse to let depression steal my art from me again#there's no reason for this to take away my connection with my own characters#one day it won't hurt#and i want to still have my art -MY art - to look at#i always posted to the void and was happy for it#may i find that happiness again#may i make art to please myself alone#may i find that connection meant for me and me alone#if others find connection in my work they are welcome to it#but may i find peace and content in never receiving any attention again
22 notes
·
View notes
Text
accept your future path wasn't yours to be chosen.
#ghost's art#ghost's ocs#original art#original character#yvonne eibenholz#i told myself i'd do more full pieces with her after artfight and here we are#i associate like a dog with nico and callisto a lot more for the science elements of it but this is a very yvonne song to me too#anyways she makes me normal#my favourite girl who's future/fate has always been chosen by others and being stuck in a time loop is not helping with that#and it's doomed to constantly forget who she is and unable to truly try and make her own path bc of it#and despite how much they try to find a way out of the loop. i imagine deep down there's like so much hurt and pain to where like#it would rather just go back and forget everything again. running back to what it knew/didn't know (like a wounded dog)#yvonne is very wolf/dog girl coded to me for that reason actually she's always been one to run away from the things that hurt it#and constantly run back to the things it knows or forgetting it all. which she also did a lot as saxen#something wrong with her i desperately need it to go get therapy or something
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
I am actually Very Concerned now about how they are going to handle the Inquisitor in so many ways, mainly because I do not just want two cookie-cutter attitudes towards Solas... like if your Inquisitor was an f!Lavellan and romanced him are her two settings going to be either Still Pining After All These Years or Woman Scorned and Out for Revenge...?
#my f!lavellan is OVER him! totally apathetic towards him romantically now she is at peace... i dont want her to be reduced to either falling#over herself and forlornly glancing at him#or in the alternative being the He Is Irredeemable Bc He Hurt Me type like ugh#perhaps the complexity of where my solavellan left off could never be adequately portrayed so i am going to be disappointed regardless#my m!lavellan tho... he has pined for his best friend every day since losing him.#dorian is tired of hearing about this bald badly dressed man#i think i need some kind of tag for my own characters but im not good at this yet so i'll talk to myself in tags
18 notes
·
View notes
Text
Randomized Robins AU - Ages + Worst Trait Exercise:
Steph (25):
Says her worst trait is her murderous rages (she is exaggerating for dramatic/comedic effect, she’s killed 3 people tops and for very good reason)
Thinks her worst trait is her spitefulness (one of the few traits she definitely got from her father + one that prevents her from fixing her relationships and living her best possible life. She’ll refuse to interact with someone she dearly loves after an argument (happens significantly less after Tim’s death) or will say things she knows are hurtful just for the sake of having the last word. This trait will worsen in some ways as the list of people who have wronged her and those she loves grows, but will also ease up as she matures and realizes the harm it’s doing to her relationships with those she loves most.)
Her worst trait really is her spitefulness
Cass (26)
Says her worst trait is her self-righteousness (she believes that her goals are righteous and, as a result, she is righteous. Cass becomes very defensive whenever someone questions the mission and often does not second-guess herself. This is a trait she only develops later in life as she grows closer to Bruce/learns to understand herself more/starts to love herself more. But she knows she isn’t perfect and when somebody she trusts criticizes something she is doing she is willing to listen. She just usually isn’t the one to START the introspection.)
Thinks her worst trait is her self-righteousness.
Her worst trait actually is her obsessiveness (she gets it from Bruce and, while not as bad as him, she will easily become preoccupied with her night-life and the mission if someone isn’t there to pull her back. She will do this to the point of self-destruction and it hurts her relationships with the people she loves, especially Steph.)
Tim (24)
Says his worst trait is his spitefulness (he actively rejects the idea of mending his relationships with the older members of the family and this causes him to also lack good relationships with the younger ones)
Thinks his worst trait is his obsessiveness (similar to Cass, if he gets fixated on a task or idea he will neglect everything else in his life in order to dedicate more time to it. Unlike Cass, he will almost never be dragged away from it unless Pierrot snatches control of the body and forces them to take care of themself.)
His worst trait actually is how manipulative he is (the KING of guilt-tripping and using people’s emotions against them. He’ll do whatever he needs to do to get what he wants, he’s not above crocodile tears. And he will do it to whoever he needs (or wants) to with little care for how his actions impact others.)
Pierrot (Insists: “Age doesn’t apply to me! And even if it did, I'd probably be the oldest. Or the youngest! I’d never be a middle child, though.” Mental assessments by the Bats have put him around 21, with a margin of error of 3 years. Pierrot has called this “blatant character assassination by my eternal rival!”)
Says his worst trait is that he is an irredeemable psychopath without any regard for the wellbeing of others (this is a lie and everyone who's important to him understands this).
Thinks his worst trait is his parasitic nature (he literally would not exist had Tim not suffered the way he did. Plus he is a living reminder of one of the worst things that happened to many of his loved ones. He is a parasite injected into a functional person's body and contributes to his continued suffering. This is also a largely incorrect judgement of himself, caused by his actual worst trait.)
His worst trait actually is his limited sense of self (he doesn’t really know who he is outside of ‘inheritor to the legacy of the Joker (a man he despises yet also views as a father)’ and ‘chip in Tim’s brain that became sentient’. He slowly develops an identity over the course of his life and relationships with other people, but he lacks the foundations of identity that most people have. Pierrot will often almost become a caricature of himself and what others perceive him to be because it's the only person he knows how to be. This causes wild swings in how he behaves and relates to others, sometimes to the detriment of himself and others.)
Dick (17)
Says his worst trait is his clinginess (he is a very extraverted person who likes to be around others, which mixed with his fear of abandonment after his parents died means that if he goes a few days without seeing/talking to a friend he will get very anxious.)
Thinks his worst trait is his anger issues (he gets ticked off very easily and will explode on people. He’s kind at his core and is usually very nice, but he has a temper that can escalate significantly. Spoiler (and later Twist) help him channel this anger into something positive.)
His worst trait actually is his anger issues.
Barbara (18)
Says her worst trait is her disability (internalized ableism, she thinks of herself as less valuable than the other Bats because she cannot be out there in the capes like they can. She will grow out of this as she matures and as she learns how invaluable her support for the team is.)
Thinks her worst trait is her disability
Her worst trait actually is her overly-independent nature (In an attempt to overcompensate for everything she can no longer do, she has resolved to do literally everything that she possibly can without any help from others. This results in many instances where she either takes on too much and winds up not being able to fully realize any of her tasks or where she makes her life and the lives of others significantly harder by refusing help when offered/not asking for it when she needs it.)
Damian (16)
Says his worst trait is his perfectionism (he is overly critical of both himself and others, taking any flaw or problem and amplifying it to an absurd degree. This is due in part to his life with the LoA (where even a brief misstep could lead to death), in part to how others treated him initially as Spoiler (any flaw was fixated on and used as a reason to either mistrust him or portray him as unworthy of the mantle), and in part due to the fact that he is Bruce’s son (the only person with worse perfectionism problems than Damian). Gradually, Damian has improved in this regard but it’s still a massive barrier to both his own happiness and his relationships with others.)
Thinks his worst trait is his perfectionism
His worst trait actually is his perfectionism
Duke (16)
Says his worst trait is his definitely-real secret evil side (says this as a ‘my dad is a villain so who knows??’ joke)
Thinks his worst trait is his impulsivity in his words (Sometimes he will crack a joke or say a remark without thinking it through, leading to a LOT of hurt feelings and drama. He’ll say something without thinking it through and wind up seeming insensitive. This isn’t done because of malice, rather because Duke is someone who’s quick to act and speak. But while the mantle of Insight and his awakening powers have helped him with his actions, they do not always help with his loose tongue. As such, Duke gains an unfair reputation in the media as an instigator and will accidentally cause family drama through what he says.)
His worst trait actually is his impulsivity in his words
Jason (14)
Says his worst trait is his bad manners (he grew up on the streets and has no idea how rich-people society works, which he’s pretty insecure about considering he’s now the youngest kid of Bruce freaking Wayne).
Thinks his worst trait is his reactiveness (Jason never got the privilege of planning ahead for various events in his life, so he instead needed to rely on being swift and harsh in how he could react to situations. It’s saved his life on multiple occasions and helps significantly in his role as Spoiler, but it can also lead to extreme overreactions (accidentally causing kidnapping scare after Jason ran away following a fight with Dick) and a struggle to plan things out ahead of time. As he grows more secure in his place in the family and in life, this trait will lessen but never fully dissipate.)
His worst trait actually is his reactiveness
#stephanie brown#cassandra cain#tim drake#dick grayson#barbara gordon#damian wayne#duke thomas#jason todd#batfamily#randomizedrobinsau#I'm debating whether I should tag this with the Joker Junior tag and those related to it for Pierrot#because like...it's not quite that. but it's also very close to that and is the direct result of that.#but Pierrot would fucking HATE to be tagged as that and sees it as an insult to his identity...which he already has problems with#so I don't think I'm gonna#anyways lmao I am totally projecting my younger self onto Barbara. How could I not? She's literally the reason I view my disability#the way that I do and she actively improved my mental health just by existing and saying some of the shit she did when I was in the#stages of accepting my own disability. So yeah I am projecting a lot onto her because I love her and see myself in her.#I'm mostly basing these characterizations on my favorite versions of them (ie Red Robin 2009 Tim and Birds of Prey Barbara).#so I'm taking the traits I like/think fit in this AU and discarding what I think either is bad or doesn't fit or if I just don't like it.#Damian's 'murder gremlin who is a meanie on purpose because he is a meanie' is entirely unappealing to me and also does not fit this AU#I prefer him when he's portrayed as a sympathetic kid (who is still an asshole) and not a demon child. So that's what I'm using.#same with Talia's 'abusive mother who is totally on-board with all of her father's bullshit and will kill someone for no reason' version#I have read enough comics to know what I like/what is most important and what I don't like/what is#BLATANT CHARACTER ASSASSINATION GRANT MORRISON YOU FUCK YOU SET TALIA BACK SO FUCKING FAR#I also decided to outline their WORST traits because I already know what I like about these characters/their best traits.#most people do. But what was a greater challenge was finding what would make their lives and those of others worse.#what would I hate about this person if I knew them IRL? What would I first suggest they get therapy for? What hurts them and why?#I found these questions really interesting in the context of this AU where some people are forced into completely different roles#the says/thinks/is was inspired by trying to answer that question for myself. I say my worst trait is my impulsiveness but when#I asked others in my life they answered 'oh so you said your weird thing where you don't ask for help right?'
21 notes
·
View notes
Note
Come on, you know you want to, give us the character bingo for Viktor.
don't mind if i doooo
#ask me#okay there's a lot going on here but first things first#viktor has transcended the favorite character tier where I want to protect him or whatever#like yeah he did that shit! I support him but I also don't! the more trouble he gets himself into the happier I'll be!#do you feel me#like one of the things I love most about Viktor is that I feel so much sympathy for the circumstances he's in that are out of his control#but he has so much agency in his own story that everything he's gained and accomplished are because he makes choices#and GETS HIMSELF places#and now the same thing is happening with his BAD choices and I find that just as delightful if not moreso#he is the agent of his own salvation and his own destruction and I will be in the front row seat with popcorn for both or either#so writing him is mostly me studying him under the microscope poking him until he does something untoward it's very fun#I only hesitantly say that Viktor is like me but the Balkan ties and the grumpy-but-kind and obsessive personality#and the strong opinions about a chosen STEM field#are inescapable okay#mommy issues is not circled because I have mommy issues but bc I have convinced myself that Viktor WILL have them#if Nikola Tesla is anything to go by#the jayce-mel-viktor trifecta is ruled by mommy issues and i will stand by that claim#also viktor is more interesting with no therapy - with as little therapy as possible would be my preference#WITH THE EXCEPTION of the lonely genius shit that Singed planted in his head#that is absolutely the lie that Viktor believes that he MUST discard in order to progress as a character and I am excited for it#I genuinely think that Viktor will be happier and more eccentric as [REDACTED] but it won't last#he will hit a VERY LITERAL -if thy right hand offend thee cut it off- situation and then he'll have peace but he won't call it happiness#I can't say that I'd hate anyone who hurt him because that is half of why I'm excited for s2#but I will probably lose it at any scene where he loses to [REDACTED] for rivalry reasons#I genuinely do want to see Mel completely own his ass as [REDACTED] though like can you imagine the banter#and both of them secretly having fun with it
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#if I've made anyone uncomfortable with the things I've been posting the last few days that was in fact the point and fully intended#and I don't say that to be cruel but simply to drive home the point that fandom spaces can be both safe and hostile at the same time#it is a deeply uncomfortable thing to acknowledge and I know most people do no want to deal with that and I understand that truly#but it was important to me to acknowledge and to give my opinion so that's what I did#At the same time none of this changes my opinion on my ship or the fact that I love a certain character other people find problematic#and I am fine with people finding that problematic because I am human being I am problematic by default#and I am confident enough in myself as a person to know when to acknowledge when I've contributed to problematic behavior#and realize the world doesn't end when this happens#my opinion of the fandom I've made my home in hasn't changed either#I had these views before and now they're out there in the open messy wording and all#and if you've decided that changes your opinion of me for the worse that's fine you can unfollow block etc#I understand that even in my attempt to acknowledge hurt within my fandom I've probably hurt other people and I have made my peace with it#but for everyone else that's shown me support both on tumblr and in private#for everyone that's listened to me vent about this subject over DMs and validated my hurt feelings#instead of trying to press your own discomforts onto me to carry in addition to my own#thank you#I've carved a permanent space in my heart for you and I truly mean that#I waded into this mess fully expecting to be ignored at best and to lose connections at worst and I was fully okay with it#but the love I've gotten and the deep honest and vulnerable conversations I've had over the last few days has truly been astounding to me#this last part is taking me AGES to write#because I'm actually crying thinking about all the good that's come out of this#and I acknowledge that's not a universal opinion and that's fine I'm really only speaking to my personal experience with what's happened#which despite outward appearances has been incredibly cathartic and uplifting for me#and I don't need everyone in the fandom to share my views or validate me or tell me I'm right people are allowed to disagree#I also don't need to have a deep personal and honest connection with everyone in the fandom where I can share my deepest vulnerabilities#but the fact that I could have that connection with some of you? that's enough for me. it's everything to me.
22 notes
·
View notes
Note
see there was a time qhere you could kind of explain charisma breaks but now you also need to explain that, after having your charisma break, you can then go on to have your "_ break" (word before break is different for everyone)
it's like your worst self explosing and nearly collising with your inner beauty (+shiny makeover)
and then your second break is like. semi-trauma related explosion of every part of your inner self, positive and negative, hugging themselves inside you (+ shinier makeover)
I think my favorite is terra now, his second break, but I don't want to spoiler you for why lol
i am not big on spoilers lol but i’ve also come to expect spoilers since hypmic and crsm fans intersect quite a bit and i also occasionally feed into the algorithm whenever i like a piece of art LOL
but i mean, that explanation i think did a pretty good job lol!!!! probably since i’ve seen charisma breaks for myself lol but still!!!!!
#vee got an ask#it’s completely my own fault i’ve been spoiled on some crsm aspects since i also follow the official twitter lmao#*jyushi voice* the enemy is me myself LOL#like it’s so inspired to take the characters traumas and what’s developed them as people and purposely make it the gimmick#what haunts them???? hurts them???? makes them feel good????#well here!!!! have that answered in the form of a fever dream and song LOL
8 notes
·
View notes
Note
3 for Aldrich, Aldia, Willem & Laurence
9 for Maria
11 for Micolash & Aldrich
24 for Laurence
(Asks from this ( x ) meme)
3) What first drew you to this character?
As for Aldrich, I vaguely recall finding out that he checks the traits I like the most? He was one of the characters I've learned about through fandom and not on my own, and I think this ancient meme about summarises it:
Also:
@val-of-the-north SHUDDUP you're basically so horny for Laurence/Logarius/Snatchers that you can't even picture them in your mind in any way but being naked!!!!!!! *casts the stone back at u*
With Laurence, like with Mico, it was the very first glance at the character in Youtube compilation with boss themes and concept art image. I did not know the lore yet, but the design and the music made me imagine Laurence as sort of aged, sagely librarian. I could not imagine back then that his boss fight would be him being a "helpless abhorrent little mewmew" as kids call it! Heck, I thought he'd have dialogue despite the monster form x) In a way, my first impression was not wrong, with the cut content of him actually talking even in a beast form, and implication of him being a son of Cainhurst cut content librarian NPC! I have intuition for cut content before having information, hahaha!
I have nothing to say about Willem. It might be a memory gap thing, but I swear at some point I feel I was turned off and then booted back up with liking this character already installed in my system x) As for Aldia.... ugh for fuck's sake... yeah, it was this legend:
youtube
I was absolutely floored by this stupid vid even without knowing any context, but I also instantly liked this character. I didn't even know his name yet, but the voice acting and long yapping about philosophy already pulled me in XD (Also unironically, this video is precisely how I give relationship advice fhfhdds)
9) Does this character remind you of anyone you know? Does that affect how you see them?
Yeah, I know this person. I know them very well. I know them more than anyone else. Someone who was misguided (by their destructive influence mentor figure, by their own foolishness and past history, or combination of both, who can tell anymore?) into committing awful things, then despaired over their sins and attempted redemption but also failed in some way? This person is me. At some point I've found myself in front of horrible truth about my past life and personality, and knew I was guilty and sullied forever. That it was over for me as a human being, but that didn't matter, and I could only keep people safe by locking myself away and trying to serve something better.
......annnnd it took a few years of more informed people to (metaphorically) shake me and slap my face into lucidity, explaining to me that I've fallen for the "BPD demonization" that was going far beyond than my individual failure as a friend, and we are always accused of abuse and causing irreversible harm when the worst we do is being emotionally overbearing. I kept losing trust to those friends, telling them that they were enablers who tried to gaslight me into thinking I was not 'that much of a monster', until it was other people with BPD who 'shook me and slapped my face into lucidity'. xd Nonetheless, even though now I know the truth about how society treats BPDs, I remember the feeling of being so monstrous and harmful that I was not even allowed to "touch" people with my dirty hands, how my reality used to be. So, I could write Maria going through this effortlessly, especially considering what she did was more plain and tangible!
In fact... thank you for asking me about this, because I kept wondering why I had such frequent dreams about being Maria, and why the Maria in my dreams acts like abused child that took back control against Gehrman despite my portrayal of the guy being so different. And now the puzzle is solved! That part of me still lives inside, it seems.
11) How did you “fall in love” with this character?
Already answered this for Micolash here: ( x )! As for Aldrich, it was through properly analysing the bigger picture and context of his actions. I've figured that his madness was, in fact, being informed on what was far too ahead of everyone else around him! He, like the rest of the cast, is trapped in the rotting, doomed world in which the only choices are 1) "die with dignity" or 2) commit something unthinkable from moral standpoint for a chance to escape. And will morality of the rotting world will matter in the new world anyways? Won't it all be left behind and be forgiven?
The guy also tried to take everyone else he could with him, like sort of a fucked up Noah's Arc! I can tell that they reused the concept with Rykard, at least, I am glad they know what works xD I'd say that the sadism he experienced upon eating people was either result of insanity (he understood a thing no one should understand), or still didn't exclude the bigger purpose (egotistically revelling in how holy he is helping everyone and doing what no one else dared, which would be like my Laurence). In any case, I have the strongest respect to the courage it takes to transcend the bonds of morality and compassion in order to to greater good. Being burdened with the knowledge of how the world really works, and choosing to push through instead of still being bound... This is why I also like Fauxsefka; learning how this world works, she chose to turn people into Kin so they can't ever become beasts. I am weak for this trope, you don't understand.
24) Do you ever dream about this character? If so, describe a dream you once had about them.
Laurence appears in my dreams only in two contexts: 1) Micolaurence or 2) dreams about finding secret files in Bloodborne that reveal his canonical appearance before beasthood! I can tell the latter comes from my everlasting unsatisfaction with my design for him, because I love it but it doesn't feel "fitting" and I can't identify why!
The former, I think, fandom rubbing onto me x) In two of these dreams, I was Laurence. In other two, I was Micolash. In one of Laurence dreams it was mutual, in the second one I was in love unrequited. In one of Micolash dreams, it was mutual, and in another it was not.. Basically, my dreams allows me to experience this ship from every possible angle. o_o Waiting for more I guess fhhdfsfd
______________
Thank you for asking! And.. without exaggeration, you've just done quite a psychological work on me by just asking the right thing. I need to think about that, hahaha
#bloodborne#dark souls 3#aldrich devourer of gods#laurence the first vicar#soulsborne#ask replies#personal#memories#dreams#honestly I remember Maria in my dreams hiding in the closet like an abused bullied child.. that big strong woman reduced to this#and I finally know why it was this way#I'd rather not sully Gehrman with something as dirty as my stepdad of course he deserves so much more and he is his own man#I just don't like the approach of turning characters with their own stories and personality into vessels for my trauma#it feels like frenzied flame: you got infected by it and you have unending need to spread it. to scorch the world in your pain.#I don't think this approach would help my healing but instead make me feel worse by nourishing the trauma#I am keeping it sealed away from the world forever now </3#see this is why it hurts me so much when gehrman haters accuse me of being insensitive to people that want to project their negative-#-experiences with men and misogyny onto him even if that means twisting the actual story and character. I do have a reason to do it myself#I just choose not to because I personally dislike the idea of making fandomry about myself more and about source material less#I don't want to bring the pain and horrors inside me into something that doesn't have them. some things can stay clean!#the passive aggression between canon worshippers and fanon enforcers is something that cannot be avoided in the fandoms#and I disapprove of the lie about 100% peace and mutual respect between the 'camps'. we will never FULLY like each other#each thinks their approach is more productive for the community. and that's fine!
7 notes
·
View notes
Note
tell me about your correct opinions. I love hearing opinions...
Honestly I can't think of any specifics rn hdggjndg I just know I am a Nishikiyama Understander. I think one off the top of my head is that yes, he's clearly more emotional than others, but he is not remarkably so and he is NOT a 'crybaby'. Like every time he's cried on screen it's been for very understandable reasons and in highly emotional situations.
Or the idea that him not reciprocating Reina's feelings is like, an inherent character flaw??
#smol responds#dont get me started on k_zum_ji i will appear to be such a hater and im NOT i SWEAR its just i dont think theyre built for a cutesy domesti#relationship theyre FUCKED okay aaaand im gonna shut up they WILL kill me xgmdkg#also my opinions on the first half of the ship on his own cause like i KNOW he's beloved i KNOW his heart is in the right place but GODDDDD#HE PISSES ME OFFFFF and part of my frustration comes from the fact I recognise myself in him and it hurts man!!! We Cannot Keep Doing This!#Maybe one day I'll collect my Discord ramblings together fsjjf also i realise how full of myself i sound??#in that im not just a Fan but an Understander cause i do feel there's a difference. Its like with my bestie she loves this one character#and other people call themselves the no. 1 fan and i believe em i think she's the true Understander though yknow?#classic 'i love this guy AND i see how he really sucks and i love that' and she says im the same with Nishiki#I see his flaws man and i get em i SEE where he got this from but im bot disliking him as some 'incel niceguy' like its not a common take#but ive seen it a couple times and im like are you stupid??? hes not some wifebeater?? are you daft?? no he shouldnt have slapped her#but if your takeaway from that is 'he hates women' or some shit you might be a fool. Shoutout Atanx for that very correct post a while back#sorry turns out i DO have opinions lmao basically Nishiki Is Mine Yall Cant Have Him zfhzfn#WAIT MY MIREI OPINIONS- [i am dragged away once more]
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
#jung eun chae#moon ok gyeong#Jeong Nyeon#정년이#Jeong Nyeon: The Star is Born#Wangja-nim❣️😳❤️🔥#but am actually quite annoyed and angry with MOG now despite being a fangirl still#because of the situation with SHR#SHR might be the antagonist in the drama#but I DON’T find MOG blameless in what happened to them#although obviously HR needs to own up to her issues and behaviour/actions#MOG is so aloof and uncommunicative#and going off to her ‘friends’ whenever she feels like it without any thought for SHR?#that is just a form of neglect#visuals and aesthetics-wise MOG is absolutely drool-and-swoonworthy#but her behaviour just does not sit right with me#I find her problematic despite her not being portrayed too overtly as such#but the vibes is very strong for me#it is extremely vexing for a fangirl like me#TBF MOG reminds me too much of entitled men and I don’t like that one little bit#that is just a horrible way to treat someone you supposedly love#only shitty people do that IMO#that ‘I don’t love you or our life together anymore but won’t actively leave or tell you either’#even one you no longer do (much)#or just another person (period)#and now I find myself in the weird position of being a (semi) Hye Rang ‘apologist’#despite finding her actions/behaviour ‘wrong’#and not liking her character all that much#but my heart just could not stop hurting for her#for her misguided and extremely unwise/idiotically harmful decisions and actions
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Thinking abt that time early last year where things hadn't gotten too bad yet and I was finally feeling comfortable in myself and my relationships and my life wasn't perfect but I was living it. I wasn't stuck in my head. And then things went to shit (again) and I remembered I could daydream my life away. And now here we are. Fallen back into old habits.
#sometimes I wonder what's the harm#like yeah it's probably not good that the most meaningful social interaction I have nowadays is once again myself and the cast of characters#I created in my head. those of which are all just facets of myself under different names.#but I'm not hurting anyone. I'm not missing out on anything in reality bc if it were better there I wouldn't be stuck in my head again#and sure. you can't make meaningful connections w the world around you if you don't try#so I'm entirely stuck in a cycle of my own creation. my bad.#but who is it ultimately hurting. arguably me. but that's my problem.#life was so beautiful for those few months of freedom tho.#I wasn't living out any of my dreams but I was living a life that felt worth sticking around for.#and 2019... I wish I'd tried harder. if I'd known that would be the last opportunity for anything real. maybe I would've tried more.#but it was all doomed from the start I think. I wasn't born to experience anything real.#take away my escapism and what's left for me
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
why do counsellors think it's helpful to tell you "you shouldn't feel that way!" when you tell them something like "I am so stressed about spiders to the point where i have crying breakdowns thrice a week" or "I feel like I am somehow secretly a terrible person that needs to push everyone away to keep them safe from the rot that is inside of me"
like ... golly gee, thank you so much, that's soooo helpful, can't believe i never thought "wow! i shouldn't be feeling this way!" before, pretty crazy that you can just cure me with that one declaration!
#GIRL IF I KNEW HOW TO STOP FEELING THIS WAY I WOULD BE FINE !!! I WOULDNT BE TALKIN ABOUT IT WITH YOU#like okay yes. that is a good STARTING statement. but can u give me... something actionable perhaps. please.#instead of essentially just shaming me for my feelings hsdgjkl#i KNOW these feelings and thoughts are ''wrong'' and unhelpful and unhealthy and hurting me. but like... what do i DO with them...#''i feel like a bad person'' ''well you arent so you shouldnt feel that way :)'' ''....okay great thanks so much see you next week'' ?????#such wise words from a trained professional! /sarcasm#idk man i think that my stories and characters have been far more helpful in therapizing me than actual trained professionals ever have#these ppl do not know what to do with me it seems like#i get so frustrated every time i hear ''you're so self aware!'' bc that seems to be therapist language for ''idk what to do for you''#or ''i can't help you. you are beyond my capabilities as a trained mental health professional who went to school for years''#im TIRED. im so tired !!!#anyways im just dreading my appt later today fdjgkl i like this lady more than the last one but she hasn't been very helpful so far#starting to resign myself to the fact that maybe i am just too fucked up to be helped fdsjkl like man. im just stuck this way i guess#unless i can figure out how to fix me on my own then i think im just fucked#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
Perhaps it is because my farmer is based on an immortal gay dragon man with 300 years of baggage, but even though the mc is supposed to be like 20 something I can't imagine Vincent being younger than 30. Playing as him makes the younger bachelors in sdv feel like teenagers lmao even though I know they aren't.
#if i dont stop myself here i will keep talking about vincent and reveal all of my plot and spoil my own novel#bc i love talking abt him and the lore#lowkey wanna adapt the dragon thing to his sdv canon but the idea of my farmer outliving everyone in pelican town hurts me#for my next playthrough i am using a character i'm slowly designing my own game around#and he is like somewhere between 23-26 vaguely#his canon love interest in the story is a healer though so he might end up romancing harvey lmao#sdv#stardew valley
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
#i keep thinking about how i miss my ocs#and i wonder 'how do i miss people who cant leave'#but then i realize i miss the parts of myself they represent#the ability to escape into my own world and love characters that are mine#it feels like im so far away#from myself#i want to go into the woods and lay down and become part of the earth#if the act of dying didnt involve scary actions or pain#if i could push a button and just no longer exist i would#things hurt#im tired#i miss myself. but i cant trust anything. i cant hold myself anymore.#the world is too loud
3 notes
·
View notes