#i hope well be friends for 999 more years

[deltarune-fan-pipis]

im pretty late for this, but who cares! this poem hurts if you've seen these illustrations people have drawn for them. but i read this, and now my favourite number is nine. i was so happy when my bestie came to school and told me this when i told him to read the Undertale newsletter.

[sorapricots]

Peachy

Summary: How everyone was shocked for an individual that hate PDA like Bakugou start to kiss your head more than he used to.

Pair: Bakugou x Reader

Genre: Fluff

Warnings: Nothing? Bakugou is very tame in here

A/N: Hello it’s been 999+ years since I last post something. To be frankly honest… college is a no joke not to mention I’m close to my last year right now… I can feel my sanity and braincells are decreasing with the amount of papers and journals I have to write… but oh well now I am kinda back? maybe not but who knows :) hope y’all enjoy my post and have a great day!

Wc: 1,4k

Weekend is finally come, and you cannot help but decided to wake up a little bit later than usual. Of course your wish is only a wish because a certain someone decided to knocked on your door and wake you up from your deep slumber.

You groggily walk to the door to find out who dare to disturb you from your very needed sleep. And there they are. A pink girl with black eyes and A girl with violet hair staring at you.

“What do you want?” you asked her. Mina just shrugged off your grumpiness as she walked inside your room and start to rummage through your wardrobes. Meanwhile Jirou gave you a quiet morning as she took a seat on your study desk.

“Girl, it’s 10 in the morning, and today is weekend so why don’t we spent some times together at the mall?” you groaned as you flop down to your bed face first.

“Also you told us to remind you that you run out some of your bath necessities and you want to restock them on weekend. So pull your ass up and start to get ready.” You let out inaudible grumble as you roll your body to flop on the floor.

“Fine.” You let out a huff as you grab your towel and the outfit Mina already picked for you.

“God… I really did run out of shampoo…” you sighed as you toss the empty bottle of shampoo to the trash bin.

.

.

.

You walk to the living room with Mina and Jirou after you finish taking a bath. And see a bunch of your friends lazing around. Your eyes quickly find the pair of red vermilion eyes that you love so much.

“Good morning.” You chirp as you stand in front of Bakugou. Bakugou grunt as his eyes move from Kirishima and Kaminari to you. He took a second to observe your outfit before answering.

“Mornin’ do you have somewhere to go?” he finally stand up from his seat. You nod your head as you hum.

“Yep. Mina, Jirou and I gonna go to the mall, you know… girl’s time. And at the same time I’m gonna buy some groceries because I ran out a bunch of stuff. so… do you want me to pick up something for you?” You lean your head deeper as Bakugou cup your cheeks with his callouses hands.

“Some spices. And just want you to be safe. That’s all.” You smile as you nod your head. Believing that Bakugou will send his groceries list later.

“Okay lovebirds come on we need to catch the train.” Mina decided to rip you apart from Bakugou. Receiving an annoyed grunt from the blonde. You only let out a small chuckle and wave at your boyfriend before left the dorm.

After you, Mina, and Jirou catch the train, the three of you manage to get a seat on a somehow not so crowded train despite it is a weekend. The three of you decided to discuss what to do at the mall other than shopping some groceries.

“What shampoo you plan to try? Didn’t you said you want to try a new scent for your shampoo?” Mina asked as she peeked your phone where you are busy looking for some shampoo testimony on the internet.

“Hmm… I don’t really know yet, but I do want to try peach scented shampoo… apparently according to the internet, peaches scented stuff are a bit popular these days.” You answer the alien girl while your eyes still planted on the LED screen on you hand.

“Oh but isn’t Bakugou did not fond for sweet scented stuff?” Jirou suddenly popped a question that make you think for a while. Shortly after you just shrug your shoulders.

“Well I don’t think peaches scented shampoo will have a dominant sweet scent. But even if it did, it’s gonna be ‘Suki’s problem, not mine.” Your answer made Mina laugh.

After a couple hours of walking and looking around the mall, Jirou, Mina, and you decided to go back home. While sit in the train you cannot help but keep looking at the new shampoo scent you just bought.

Anxieties and questions of what ifs start flooding your brain that makes you spiral down. Drowned enough you didn’t hear Mina practically scream at your ears. Your body jolted up when you feel Jirou’s ear jacks poke your cheek.

“Girl, are you really start regretting to buy that shampoo now? After we are one hour away from the mall?” Mina asked as she put her hand on one of her hips. You stare at her for a couple of seconds before let out a sigh of defeat and nodded your head.

“Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure he will like it.” Jirou pats your shoulder softly in attempt to comfort you.

.

.

.

“We are back!” Mina screamed as she kicked the door open with hands full of groceries just like you and Jirou. Izuku and Ochako quickly help the three of you to put down the groceries in the kitchen.

“Did you get my groceries list?” Bakugou asked as he walk in with towel hang on his neck. You spin your body to see him before nodded your head.

“Yep I got all of them just alright!” you smile as you circle your arms around his slim waist. Bakugou give you an approval nod before he started to take out the groceries from its bag with you still latching to him like a koala.

“Peach scented shampoo?”  Bakugou look at you confusedly since usually you pick the floral scented shampoo. You just shrugged a bit before lean on his broad shoulder.

“Just want to try something new that’s all.” You said. Bakugou stared at it for another seconds before put it away for you to take back to your room.

.

.

.

“Hmm it does smell nice…” you mutter to yourself as you dry your hair with a hairdryer after you finish taking a bath. You hum to yourself while putting some casual clothes you usually wear in dorm. Suddenly you hear a knock on your door. You quickly run to the door to welcome the person who knock on your door.

Surprised but not surprised it’s your boyfriend who knocked on your door. Waiting for you to open the door. You throw each other a confused stare before he let a short huff.

“Dinner is ready.” You let out an understanding hum before you step out from your room and walk to the elevator with him. You both wait in silence as the elevator went up. Bakugou suddenly smell something unfamiliar coming from you but he decided to ignore it. Not until both of you step inside the elevator.

“Did you put on parfume?” Bakugou suddenly asked. You look at him confusedly before you decided to sniff around.

“Oh, you mean my new shampoo? Does it smell good?” you asked a bit hopefully. He stared at you for a second before leaning closer to you. His warm palm carefully grabbed some strands of your hair before softly kiss it. It would be a lie if you didn’t feel your heart skipped a beat when he did it.

Suddenly the elevator door opened. You immediately pull Bakugou out while he still busy inhaling your new scent. You even have to purposely pull yourself apart from him to be able to walk to the dining room.

“Suki, people are staring.” You said under your breath. It only cause Bakugou to pull you closer and plant his face to the crook of your neck as you both sit down.

“You smell so good.” He said.

“Damn girl, what spell did you cast on him?” Kaminari teased while wiggling his eyebrows. You rolled your eyes jokingly while still try to pull your lover from you.

“Okay explosion man, you need to eat.” Your stern words make Bakugou finally pull himself away and huffed like a child.

“Fine. But I want a cuddle.” He said with a bold tone. Your cheeks immediately flushed brightly as you can see from your peripheral vision your friends giggling and wiggling their eyebrows to you.

“Fine. Just eat will you?” you shoved a spoonful of food to his mouth before you start to eat your own food. The said man just smirk before he started to put insane amount of spice to his food and eat it. Of course he did not forget to secretly putting his warm palm on your thigh.

[dreamwatch]

Looking California, Feeling Indiana

Written for @corrodedcoffinfest

Day #28 - Prompt: Back To Indiana | Word Count: 999 | Rating: T | CW: chronic illness | POV: Eddie | Pairing: Steddie | Tags: pre-Steddie, broken dreams, band break up

(I’m laptop-less tonight so hoping typos etc aren’t too bad - I’ll fix them tomorrow 😆)

The logistics of getting home are left to Jeff. They have a van that might get them from California to Indiana, a station wagon that should get them there, but six years worth of possessions and equipment into a van and station wagon doesn’t go. They sell a load of their shit before heading home. It’s not like they need most of it anyway.

It’s a sombre journey, so different to the one they made to Los Angeles six years ago, so full of hope and excitement, one step closer to their dream. They could have stayed and just built lives there, grounded ones, sensible jobs, sensible hours, sensible lives. But Eddie needed to go back, even if it was just for a few months; he’s twenty seven in a few weeks and he feels like a seventy year old. New aches over old hurts, mystery illnesses slowing him down.

(He knows they’re Upside Down related, knows no one can do anything about them, and knows they’re getting worse. He hates knowing things.)

The Welcome To Hawkins sign looks new; Wayne said it still gets vandalised from time to time, a new one in its place the next morning, reckons they’re buying them in bulk.

Jeff drops Eddie off first because Wayne’s waiting around to see him and get his shit inside before he has to get to work. He’s sixty five now. He shouldn’t be working in that fucking plant anymore. How many times did Eddie say one day Wayne, you’ll see. Useless fucking liar.

They hug, they eat, Wayne looks him over with a sigh; he’s too thin, too pale, leaning on that cane a little too heavily. Eddie knows it comes from love but it’s a lot.

Wayne grabs his keys and his lunch box. “Steve called, by the way. Numbers on the fridge.” There’s a kiss to the top of his head. “It’s good to have you home, Bub.”

Bub. Wayne hasn’t called him that in years, and Eddie smiles to himself, surprised at how much he missed it.

He calls Steve, yeah journey was okay, no roads were fine, yeah all settled in. Steve tells him he’s coming to get him, they’re going for dinner, no arguments and he finds he has in fact no intention of arguing.

Steve looks good. He seems broader, hair is longer which thrills Eddie, and the wire rimmed glasses are like a glacé cherry on the cake that is Steve Harrington.

He gets a whistle stop tour of his friend’s lives, Steve so proud of all their achievements. Tells him Hawkins is different now, friendlier, more welcoming. Happier.

They pick at fries, Steve pushing his pickles to the side of the plate for Eddie. Eddie does his best to hide his smile.

“How are you? You look…”

“‘Tired and too thin’ according to my dear, beloved uncle.”

“I was going to say ‘good’, actually, asshole.”

He grabs a fry from Steve’s plate, drags it through Steve’s milkshake. “Don’t lie to me, Steven.”

“Wayne told me, about your health, the band splitting up. I’m really sorry, man. That fucking blows.”

“Thanks,” he says with a wan smile. “It does indeed blow.”

“You know you probably just need some rest. Give it six months, and you’ll all be back in LA, tearing the place up. You were so close, man.”

He snorts, a humourless laugh. “Yeah, not so much actually.”

Steve leans back in the booth, arm hooked over the back

“Bullshit. You had label guys there just a couple of months ago, and it’s slow, remember you said yourself, it takes time, you don’t just get signed overnight.”

“Steve,” and he says it gently, because Steve means well, and he’s supported them, financially at times, when he was too embarrassed to call Wayne. Steve would send a check or wire him money. And even thinking about that makes this so much harder. 

“There was no label guy. There’s never been a label guy. Or girl, for that matter.”

Steve frowns at him, confused. “I don’t understand.”

And this is it, isn’t it? This is the moment he has to release it into the world.

“I’m going to tell you something nobody else knows. Not even Wayne.”

Steve leans forward, arms crossed on the table. “I’m good at keeping secrets.”

“We failed, Steve. We failed. The last gig we played was about nine months ago, some frat house party Gareth found for us. It was shit. Because we were shit.”

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s true, Steve. We didn’t have a hope in fucking hell. Do you know how many bands there are in LA? How few of those ever get a sniff of a record deal.” He shrugs, casual. The sting from the hurt doesn’t burn quite as much as it used to. “We just weren’t good enough, that’s all.”

Eddie watches as the cogs in Steve’s head turn, trying to lock into place. “But your health…”

“Is not great. I didn’t lie about that. But, I leant into it. It’s easier to blame a bum leg and chest infections than admit you’ll never achieve your dream because you’re not talented enough and you’re fucking delusional.”

“You are talented,”

“We’re not. Or, not enough, anyway.”

“What are you gonna do? What are they gonna do?” 

“Wayne’s trying to find me work at the plant. Jeff is talking about community college. Matt will probably go work for his dad. Gareth’s probably going to go to Indy, find a band there. Good luck to him.”

Steve drives him home, actual home now, not that dirty little apartment in LA, but a place where he’ll always be wanted. Will always be good enough. 

They pull up outside the trailer, and Steve reaches over, grabbing Eddie’s hand. It’s clumsy and awkward, but the intent is clear. Trying to pick things up where they left them.

“It’s good to have you home, man.”

“It’s good to be home.”

He’s surprised to find he means it.

[fayes-fics]

It Had To Be You: Chapter 9 - Nobody Else Gave Me A Thrill

Masterpost PREV | NEXT

Pairing: Benedict Bridgerton x fem!reader, Modern AU

Summary: You two finally figure it all out on New Year's Eve...

artwork credit @colettebronte

Warnings: none, really… just some swearing and love confessions.

Word Count: 3.8k

Authors Note: A multi-chapter modern rom-com retelling of When Harry Met Sally. Here we are; this is the final chapter! Both reader and Benedict finally see the truth. There will be a short, hopefully humourous epilogue to this story as well, which I will post tomorrow. Thanks to @colettebronte for betaing. I hope you have all enjoyed this fic <3

For the next few weeks, the dreary weather, the clocks changing, and the chilly nights drawing in match your sullen mood. Your argument with Benedict at the wedding made you so sad but resolute to try and put it behind you.

It's the last weekend in November when you are buying a Christmas tree that you feel the worst. Making a mess of dragging the tree back to your place alone, leaving a trail of needles behind you, you stop halfway and slump onto a doorstep. Recalling with perfect clarity how you and Benedict had bought one together from the same man the previous year, laughing carefree as you easily carried it between you. Then you drank mulled wine as you haphazardly threw on lights and ornaments, dancing to cheesy Christmas songs. It's what you miss the most—his companionship, the ease of time spent with one of your favourite people.

Just as you are wrestling the tree through your front door, exhausted, sweaty and prickled by a thousand tiny shitty needles that seem to have it out for you, your phone pings with a message.

BB: I'm sorry for how things ended at the wedding. I've been thinking about it for weeks now. Please call me. I want to talk. 

Pride (and your current disastrous had-a-fight-with-a-tree-and-lost appearance) stops you from doing what you genuinely want to—picking up your phone and Facetiming him to sort it all out.

Not ready yet.

__

Two weeks later, it's mid-December, and you are sitting cross-legged on your living room floor with a big glass of wine, wrapping presents for friends, when your phone pings again. For a while now, almost every day, he has been sending links to Insta posts with adorable and hilarious content. Each of which you have enjoyed but couldn't bring yourself to reply to. This time, it’s a message.

BB: If you are available at the moment, please call me.

You stare at the little pop-up notification and take a gulp, a weird weight in your chest at the idea you might cave this time. Perhaps. Once you are done wrapping this gift. A few minutes later, your phone pings again.

BB: Okay, I assume no call means:

BB: (A) you can't take a call right now

BB: (B) you can, but you don't want to talk to me or 

BB: (C) you desperately do want to talk to me but are trapped under something heavy

BB: If it's A or C, please call me back later, doesn't matter what time

BB: Also, if it’s C, please call 999 if you are in danger, then call me after. I don't have any heavy-lifting equipment… 

You can't help but giggle at his gentle, silly humour, attempting to diffuse the tension. A large part of you wants to call; you even have the phone in your hand, but at the last minute, you rest it against your forehead with a sigh, something stopping you. Your stupid rebound fling being the biggest one, Benedict’s cutting remark about how quickly you let someone else into your bed, making your stomach roil. 

Still not ready yet.

—

“Obviously, she doesn't want to speak to me,” Benedict laments, his words muffled into a scatter cushion on Kate and Anthony’s sofa. 

It's the morning after they've returned from honeymoon, three days before Christmas. While they are thankful Benedict popped over with some basics to make breakfast, they could do without his melancholy—they’re much more about a ‘let’s have newlywed sex on the kitchen table’ vibe.

“What do I have to do? Get hit over the head? Be in some calamitous accident?” Benedict whines, twisting his head in aggravation as if trying to burrow himself head-first into the furniture.

‘What do we do?’ Anthony mouths to Kate, who throws her hands up defeatedly.

‘How should I know?’ she mouths back, frowning. ‘He's your brother.’

‘Your friend's fault,’ Anthony shoots back.

Kate crosses her arms and gets a look like a sour lemon, and he instantly regrets that line.

Benedict lifts his head to look up at them, and she has to stifle a giggle behind her hand at the deep red imprint of the cushion zipper on his forehead.

“If she wants to talk to me. She will call me back, right? I'm done with making an idiot of myself….” Benedict claims boldly.

__

You are sitting on the sofa at your childhood home early evening on Christmas Day, almost disgustingly full of Baileys (your mum's tipple of choice on this day) and Christmas pud, watching The Wrong Trousers - a family tradition - when your phone pings with a message.

It's from Benedict and your stomach vaults. You honestly thought after more than a week of silence, he had given up trying. And part of you was so sad. There is no text this time, just a video attachment. You excuse yourself to the downstairs cloakroom, taking a seat on the closed lid of the toilet, intrigued as to what it is.

The video starts with him looking directly into the camera, his handsome face filling the frame and making your stomach swoop again. Fuck, you have missed seeing it.

“Merry Christmas y/n. I hope you are having a nice time. I miss you, and I hate how we left things,” he opens honestly, “and when Bridgertons don't know what to do, we always act stupidly. It's our ‘thing’. So here, You can blame this on my genetics...”

The video cuts to black briefly and then fades into him, a huge 6ft lump, crowded behind a plastic toy piano on the floor, probably one of Daphne’s kids' toys. You instantly giggle at the ridiculous visual as he apes a maestro, closes his eyes as if about to play Chopin, and flexes his hands. Then, the tinny, electric sound of some familiar notes being played hesitantly begins. He isn't exactly a natural pianist.

“Hey, I didn't just meet you, And this is crazy, 

You know my number, So call me maybe,

It's hard to feel right without you, lady

You know my number, so call me, maybe…”

You are instantly laughing. He's such an adorable, charming idiot. Sitting behind a miniature plastic piano and playing, half in earnest, half in jest. At least his voice can hold a semi-decent tune. It brings an affectionate mist to your eyes even as it continues…

“Before you came into my life, I missed you so bad

I missed you so bad; I missed you so, so bad

Before you came into my life, I missed you so bad

And you should know that, I miss you now… so, so bad….”

For the last few words, he slows down the song and looks directly down the lens pointedly.

Something in his pleading look is the straw that breaks the camel's back proverbially, and with a slight tremor in your hand, you scroll to his name and hit the FaceTime button before you can think twice about it. The sound of the tone, as it rings, feels so loud, and each crisp ‘bringggg’ makes your nerves jangle. Just as you are about to hang up, the call connects.

“I'm sorry it took me so long to answer. I had to find a private spot.” he sounds a little winded.

“Where are you?” you frown, an unfamiliar background behind him.

“My childhood bedroom. Aubrey Hall.”

“Oh my god! Show me!” You enthuse, your initial equivocation derailed by nosiness, which you decide to frame instead in your mind as mere curiosity.  You never got to see it the wedding weekend for, well, reasons you don't want to dwell on right now.

He quickly flips the camera around, giving you an audio-guided tour of the room he grew up in. Dark blue walls with framed posters for his beloved Blur alongside Travis, Radiohead and Shaun of the Dead. Silly stick-on glow-in-the-dark stars on the high ceiling that are likely too high for anyone to bother getting out a ladder and peeling off. Shelves with little wooden car models he made with his dad before he died, mixed in with certificates of achievement from school, shiny brass archery trophies, and his early sketches in those cheap snap-in frames. And lastly, a collection of jagged small rocks and colourful pebbles. It makes you feel so very affectionate for little teenage Benedict.

“You are bloody adorable!” you blurt out, almost forgetting all the awkwardness from the past few weeks.

The camera flips around, and his lopsided grin fills the screen. “Thank you. I try to make a habit of it…”

You smile back and then sigh. “I’ve missed this,” you confess quietly, wistfully. 

“I’ve missed this too. You. Us. Can we please be friends again? Please? I know we both have a lot of things to talk about. With that night and all… but… can we reset? I need you, Bluey. I am miserable without my best friend,” he pouts, his raw honesty making your chest ache. 

It’s exactly how you feel, too. Except with a massive pang of regret that he seems to want to forget your magical night together. Sex is never like that, at least not for you—electric and addictive. Doing a reset to save your friendship feels like the most logical step. Still, it doesn’t stop the “what if” fantasies running in your head with increasing frequency, especially on a day like today—nostalgia, sentiment and overindulgence swirling in your being. 

“I would like us to be friends again,” you exhale, a lie by slight omission, drumming your fingertips on your cheek nervously to stop you from saying more. 

“Wonderful! Then it is so! I can’t wait to see you again! Are you going to the New Year's party? The one Simon & Daph are hosting at the Sky Terrace? Cos if you are, I was wondering, if you don’t have a date if we could go together? We always said we would be each other's plus one if neither of us is with anyone…”

That he wants to completely reset to that world makes your heart crack. You want to scream at him, ‘No! I want to be your real date! Pick me, for real, this time!’

“I… can’t do that,” you waver, and it comes off sounding tired.

“You have a date?” It’s soft, hesitant, trepidatious.

“No…” you admit, “I just don’t think it’s a good idea to go together like that. I… I can’t be your consolation prize anymore, Benedict,” you blurt out, the hurt taking over your tongue.

The look of stunned surprise on his face makes it worse. As if he had never even seen it from that perspective.

“That’s not what I….” he begins but is interrupted by a loud door bang as it slams into the wall and a yelling voice.

“Stop fucking hiding and get your bloody arse back downstairs. You can’t miss family dinner on Christmas Day!” Colin scolds loudly offscreen.

“I’ve got to go…,” he sighs reluctantly as an arm manhandles him up and off the bed. “Merry Christmas,” he adds, belatedly realising you both forgot to say it earlier on the call.

“Whoever it is, hang up. No one is more important than family on Christmas,” Colin gripes. “That’s it, I’m taking your phone…”.

The screen is filled with random shapes and loud noises as they seem to wrestle like children. And then the call suddenly disconnects. 

You sigh and tip sideways against the cold tile of your parents' cloakroom wall.

Merry Christmas, indeed.

__

Benedict takes stock of his surroundings. December 31st, 11:00pm, lying on his stomach on his sectional chaise, staring up at the big flatscreen on his wall.

This isn't so bad… he tries to convince himself. I've got Jools Holland’s Hootenanny - the only decent New Year's programme, some Glenfiddich and Mini Cheddars - the best snack there is… 

He sighs and realises how pathetic he sounds, even in his own mind, alone in an empty flat.

__

The man whirls you around, and you are almost thrown straight into Kate and Anthony.

“I should never have let you drag me to this,” you grouse so only they can hear.

They both shoot you an apologetic look until you are whipped away again. This man’s dancing style is more akin to a waltzer amusement ride than anything sensual or fun. Your shoulder is already aching. It's a far cry from the surprising salsa Benedict pulled out of the bag last New Year’s Eve. And the idle thought of him has you spiralling…

“Mind if we stop?” you puff as the band finishes the song with a flourish. He’s some slick European investment banking type, and really, you couldn't give two shits about offending him, merely your ingrained politeness kicking in.

He nods and goes off to grab drinks as you stand, hands on hips, trying to gather your breath as you watch all the people moving like a mass of limbs on the crowded dancefloor as the following number begins.

Why the fuck am I here?

__

This is much better… Benedict rationalises to himself as he wanders down the rainy, empty East London streets not far from his Hoxton pad. Who needs to be at a big, crowded party pretending to have a good time?

He pauses outside a trendy shop on Old St, selling overpriced crap that he's not even sure what it is.

See? I can do some window shopping. He tells himself silently—clutching at anything to distract himself from the creeping sense of dread in his gut. A slow twisting knife as he thinks about you dancing the night away, ringing in the New Year with some fancy, handsome man who definitely doesn't deserve you.

What does it matter to me? We are just friends. Best friends… the only friend I ever want to see every day… the only one who truly matters….

He has thought about how to repair the damage between you so much over the last few weeks that he's exhausted himself. Really, he just wants you back. All of you, ideally, but being realistic, any part of yourself you will let back into his life. The suggestion of a reset he made on Christmas Day being his cowardly way out.

—

You are fake laughing at the banker’s story as you lean around the pillar you are backing yourself against in an attempt to secure more personal space. Glad of the heated lamps and the glass overhang to shelter from the drizzle.

“I'm going home,” you growl.

“You’ll never find an Uber,” Kate points out deadpan as you turn back around and keep faking amusement.

__

Just as his thoughts spiral, Benedict hears a chuckle on the other side of the road. There, a couple are laughing together, wrapped in each other's arms, kissing, looking like no one else in the world matters… and it’s like a lightning rod hits him square in the chest.

Suddenly, all he can see are images of you, fluttering like motioned-filled playing cards from above, swirling into his eyeline, then floating onto the glistening pavement around him. Vignettes of his life and where you intersect at so many pivotal moments. The day he left uni - the car ride where you bickered like an old married couple, the day he moved to Paris - your dilated pupils and hitched breath on the Eurostar when he whispered in your ear, the unerring sympathy when you heard about his divorce, the way you held his hand when you wandered after dinner somewhere (he doesn't even recall where… only that it was with you), watching movies together on FaceTime, your incredulity when he confessed to his uneventful recurring sex dream, your surprise and, yes, arousal as he led you in the salsa dance, the way you tucked so neatly into his arms haunting him. And finally, how it felt to be buried inside your gorgeous body as you clung to him, calling his name like a siren song, intimacy like he has never known, the profundity of the connection petrifying the very life out of him. 

But as he stares down at his tatty old Converse, the same ones he wore the day you met, in fact, all he sees in the puddle beneath him is the simple truth he has been in denial about, possibly for a decade or more. Rippling refractions of your face - your knowing smile, bright eyes, your wonderful, happy expression…

And before his brain acknowledges it, his feet are moving….

Walking fast…

Then it’s a jog…

Then it’s a run….

.. his feet carrying him to the one place he knows with every fibre of his being he wants to be.

—

You wander as if in a daze, seemingly surrounded by nothing but couples, kissing, dancing, whispering, and it's the final straw. You spy Kate and Anthony sipping champagne together and slope over.

“I'm going,” you sigh.

“But it's almost midnight,” Anthony protests.

“Being surrounded by people kissing is just…” you shrug, melancholy creeping in like a clingy fog around your heart.

“I’ll kiss you,” Kate placates, and Anthony perks up to no end at that suggestion, nodding enthusiastically as you both roll your eyes, bemused. “Stay? Please?” she pleads, pouting and grabbing your hands.

“Thanks, Kate. But no. I have to go. Have a wonderful night,” you bid them, kissing her gently on the cheek. “Happy New Year,” you whisper as she returns the greeting.

__

Benedict's lungs are burning as he races down Old St towards Shoreditch, not far from where you celebrated last year. He ignores the ache in his muscles and keeps going, checking his watch to see 11:56pm and racing harder.

I need to be there at midnight!

__

As you walk to pick up your coat, a sight makes your heart leap into your mouth and stops you dead in your tracks.

There, rounding the top stair, casual in old faded jeans, those ancient Converse and a chunky knit jumper… is Benedict. Hair fluffy and dishevelled from the rain, out of breath and scanning the crowd desperately. As if he is seeking someone.

Then his eyes finally land on you, and your world tilts. 

Oh god, is he here… for… me?!?

Then he is striding purposefully towards you, and it seems like the crowds part. His eyes blisteringly intense, like they were on that fateful night. You try to school your face, aiming for casual indignance; you probably fail spectacularly— your heart thumping wildly.

“I've been doing a lot of thinking…” he begins as he pulls up before you. “And the thing is… I love you..”

Everything grinds to a halt, and your head feels dizzy.

This must be a prank, surely?

“What?” you stutter, disbelief rocking your core.

“I love you,” he says with a simple shrug as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.

“Ben.. I… what do you expect me to say?” you blurt out, floored.

“How about you love me too,” he smiles a tiny fraction, and you hate it.

You hate how RIGHT he is. Your body is a total jumble of live wires, but your mind is suddenly calm. It's like the clouds of your thoughts part, and it all seems crystal clear. And yet, something in your stubborn heart won't let you admit it. Terrified what it could mean to voice it.

“Look, Ben, I know it's New Year, and I know you may be lonely tonight. But please don't do this,” you implore haltingly, tears prickling hot in the corners of your eyes, “...not like this,” you whisper, defeated.

“Okay, how about like this….” he throws his hands up. “I love that you won't admit you love me. I love that you are looking at me like you want to kill me right now. I love that my body is screaming at me cos I ran here as fast as I could.” he gestures down at his slightly shaky legs.

“Ten seconds to New Year's!!” a loud voice blares out over the speakers.

“TEN!!” the crowd chants.

“I love that we are idiots who would never admit to how in love we are.”

“NINE!”

“I love that you are my blue lobster, rare and beautiful as a diamond but a delicious soft treat under that hard as nails shell….” 

“EIGHT!”

He tilts your chin to look up at him, a thumb swiping a tear you didn't even know had escaped. 

“SEVEN!”

“Don't leave me out here in the wind, y/n…,” he murmurs softly.

“SIX!”

“I… I love that you never give up,” you whisper so quietly even you can barely hear it. 

The smile that lights up Benedict’s face makes your whole being feel like the stars live inside your chest.

“FIVE!”

“I love that you take homemade salads on a road trip,” he smirks playfully, referring to the first day you spent together all those years ago.

“FOUR!” 

“I love that you kept your amazing dance prowess under wraps,” you laugh over a stilted snuffle, everything in you fizzling.

“THREE!”

“I love that I can still smell you on my clothes after we spend the day together,” he sighs, moving in closer, your eyes hypnotised by the movement of his cupid’s bow.

“TWO!”

“I love that you came here tonight,” you admit, your hands circling his forearms as you sway slightly in unison.

“ONE!”

“I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night,” he confesses, his lips ghosting over yours now, smiling crookedly even as he speaks.

“HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!” the crowd chants.

All around you, party poppers go off, colourful ribbons of streamers, and the sound of glasses clinking fills the air. But it’s background noise, your whole focus on each other.

Finally, your lips meet, the fireworks under your ribs matching those in the skies above, the same as it was that first time weeks ago. You melt into each other's embrace, your kiss a seal of a pact and the promise of something new and infinite.

“For the record,” he rumbles, his minty breath hot on your lips, the strains of Auld Lang Syne ringing around the rooftop. “I'm not saying this because I’m lonely and not because it’s the New Year. I came here tonight because when you finally realise you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start…”

“...as soon as possible,” you exhale, completing his sentence with him as he nods, grinning from ear to ear. 

The drunken chorus around you gets louder; he chuckles and shakes his head. “I’ve never understood this stupid song.”

“I think it’s about remembering not to forget. Or not forgetting to remember. Or something,” you peal a laugh, knowing you are talking gibberish and not giving a damn. “Anyway, it’s about old friends,” you add pointedly, moving in for another spine-tingling, heart-melting kiss.

As you part, he cradles your jaw in his hands. “It was only ever you, y/n,” he sighs, hazy eyes burning into yours, his whisper fervent but contented into your skin. “It had to be you.”

Benedict taglist: @makaylan @foreverlonginguniverse @iboopedyournose @aintnuthinbutahounddog @severewobblerlightdragon @margofiore @writergirl-2001 @heeyyyou @enichole445 @enchantedbytomandhenry @ambitionspassionscoffee @chaoticcalzoneranchsports @nikaprincessofkattegat @baebee35 @crowleysqueenofhell @fiction-is-life @lilacbeesworld @angels17324 @broooookiecrisp @queen-of-the-misfit-toys @eleanor-bradstreet @divaanya @musicismyoxygen84 @benedictspaintbrush @miindfucked @sorryallonsy @cayt0123 @hottytoddyhistory @truly-dionysus @fictionalmenloversblog @zinzysstuff @malpalgalz @panhoeofmanyfandoms @kinokomoonshine @causeimissu @delehosies @m-rae23 @last-sheep @kmc1989 @desert-fern @starkeylover @corpseoftrees-queen @magical-spit @bunnyweasley23 @how-many-stars-in-the-sky @amygdtjhddzvb @sya-skies

[ancientgoddessofegypt]

What About Us? A friendship psychic reading.

LEFT (1-3)

RIGHT (2-4)

The friendships we create are the ones most needed in our time of growing up and finding who we are in this world. For some of you, your new friendship group is coming. For a lot of you, current friendships need relearning, reshaping, and refocusing. There may be something going on under the surface, and will prepare to bloom soon come. Since this is the summer months, I would like to do something for friendships as love is always on our minds, but a platonic love that touches the stars is always certainly going to be harder to find <3

Anywho, without further a due. We can get started. So I hope you picked which one you feel the most called too. Lets begin ;)

Group 1 : This is for us. The beginning to the End.

If you have picked the one, its time to start a new friendship with someone new. You could be getting ready to go back to school in august, you could also be in groups (text chats, social media groups, volunteer groups, etc.) and this will be how you meet this new friend. You guys could go to the same school, university, job, career, or you could have found them when you were going to a concert, a park, event. you get my drift.This new friendship is going to cost you the old one, because they need time to figure out for themselves what they are lookin for in love, romance, friendship etc. and you could also be in a romantic partnership but also needing more platonic love to hit your corner.

All in all, this new found friend could be a soulmate of some sort. you guys just get it. Y'all know what y'all like and you guys pat each other on the back from time to time. It seems like you guys have known each other for ages, but its only been a few weeks/months.Plan a date with this person and see where things lead! Go shopping, go out to eat, go to a flower shop. Being spontaneous is how you'll meet.

Keywords: 111, Santa's Hat, 333, Bunnies, Awareness groups, Veterinarians, Poem, Talent shows, Concerts, Zodiac signs, Remember, Museums, Poetry nights, Sculpting, Movies, Fun nights, 666- Venusian pleasures, More life, Jumping for joy, Leo, Moon, Flowers, Pottery & Puppets.

Number sequences, 111, 333, 666, 717, 999, 1010

Group 2 : Crossroads, More to come in the Future.

So with this group, there is going to be a need to explore out of your home state, or maybe you may go to their home state. If you guys have been feeling bored this summer, then maybe its time to plan a trip somewhere like going camping, going to the river, or simply finding joy in new spaces. I feel a rekindle coming up for this group as well. Some of you may have to forgive somebody and vice versa. There could be a familiarity with this group, and the type of friends you want for yourself can come in the near future if you act more confident and free.

The more bold you are, the more the right people notice you, and then a friend group can commence.

Keywords: Crossroads (movie), Tumblr girl, Pizza dates, Online buddy, Road trip!!, Computers, Classroom, Video games, Anime, Donkeys, Cheetahs, Dragons, Beyonce.

Number sequences: 333, 888, 917, 326, 414, 909, 323, 7777, 8888, 2020, 2222, 2121, 3232, 101

Group 3: Where the wind goes, I'll become of you.

This is a beautiful connection! It's like a hippie type of love between the two of you. Just vibing with the waves, and not carrying where it takes you next.

You guys have a capacity to know what each other is thinking, a type of telepathic connection. A long lasting platonic energy between you and them. Gifts, talents, and abilities skyrocket when your with them because they boost your self esteem and help you along the way. This friendship group needs no reshaping, just simply being able to enjoy each others presence every time they meet.

Keywords: 1111, dream reality, riding around town, enjoying each others company, mountains, hike trails, forgiveness, compassion, 'im having the time of my life', 19 years old, cannabis, margaritas, dancing the night away.

Number sequences: 111, 222, 1111.

Group 4 : Let's have a girls night !

This group really needs to let go and let there hair down. Its time for a nice night with the ladies. You may need to get something off your chest, and thats what friends are for! You gotta get up out your comfort zone, and try hanging with your friends a lil while longer, you never know what can happen when you guys are together!

Keywords: Luxury dates, Club hopping, Sleep overs, Wine, Boy problems, Pajamas, Girls trip (movie), Cabin trip, Banquet, Movie nights.

[undertalebabbleblog]

UTDR 9th Anniversary Newsletter Musings

(Here's a link to the newsletter if you haven't already read it: Autumn 2024.) (It's spring right now where I am...) (Eh, oh well.)

First of all, Tori blowing fire to light the candles, very cool, might have to draw that.

Hmm, that's a lot of a certain number... You know what, I don't even have to go into this, we all know what it's referencing.

An interview with Sans, heck yeah!

As I expected, it's a joke, but... uh... just me, or does it seem like it might be talking about something else? Not entirely sure what, but I'm sure there's already plenty of theories despite it literally only coming out today. In any case, it was very amusing and some classic Undertale humour. Also

Jeez, Tori, it's been years, you've already made your feelings about Asgore's actions clear. Give the poor guy a break. (Link to the full interview if you wanna read it: Sans: What do you think about the number nine?)

...Toby? Toby, what does this mean? TOBY WHY DO YOU MAKE THE MOST INNOCUOUS STATEMENTS THAT HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL MEANING BEHIND THEM ...This is... ominous, to say the least, given the Snowgrave route and the fact that Toriel might join us in the Dark World in Chapter 3... ...I'm just overthinking this, right? ..........right???

Toby, this is the Undertale fandom you're talking to. Since when have we ever been responsible with Sans or his AUs? You should know better than to trust us with this skeleton by now. *Proceeds to use cup for strawberry milkshake* ....Dammit, now I want to draw him with a bunch of different-coloured eyes... just because...

Never misses a chance to do this sort of thing, does he? (It has my real name in it, which I don't really want to show, so have some badly edited screenshots instead.) I have made butterscotch cinnamon pie before and it was genuinely delicious. Would love to bake one in that Toriel pie tray. ...I wonder how a fish and chips pie would actually taste, though...?

PERFECTION

I would buy every single item of this kitchen merch if I had the money.

*vibrating intensely with excitement*

Very nice, always cool to see unused stuff and concepts.

. . .

*Well, there is a man here. *He might be happy to see you. *What do you think?

...I overthink these things too much.

And finally, we get a letter.

My best friend's favorite number is nine. It's because there isn't a number that's higher. 9. 99. 999. 9999. If everything gets high enough, You become invincible. Nothing can hurt you anymore. Nothing can hurt anyone anymore. But isn't it scary, to think there's a highest number? That, if you made 99 good memories, you couldn't hold anymore. So I don't like to keep count of the flowers we pick, or the times that they laugh, or how many scary faces they make. I just hope we'll be friends for 999 more years.

(Couldn't screenshot the whole thing because it was too big, so I just copied the text. Here's a link to the original: Letter) On one hand, the spacing is kind of reminiscent of what we assume is Gaster. But on the other hand, it's not in all caps, and the language is different, and from what we know of the mysterious scientist (which is quite frankly very little), it wouldn't make sense. There is, however, someone else that would make a lot more sense.

*I'll go get the flowers. *I should have laughed it off, like you did... *Okay, [Name], are you ready? *Do your creepy face!

And most telling of all, "My best friend"...

It's. It's Asriel. IT'S GOTTA BE AZZY OKAY COME ON, THERE'S THE MENTION OF THE SCARY FACES AND EVERYTHING

...Ahem.

My hypothesis is that it's Asriel Dreemurr.

Aaaaannnddd... that's it for this newsletter! I needed somewhere to dump my thoughts on it, and that's kinda what this blog is for, so yeah.

A very happy birthday to my favourite game of all time.

If you have any theories or observations about the newsletter, I'd love to see them!

See ya next time, Pup

[moontyun]

Pairing: prince!Jungwon x peasant!reader Genre: romance, lost friends, attempted humor, attempted angst?, childhood friends to lovers Synopsis: People out grow each other all of the time. That was the natural process of life, but not for him. Everywhere he turned you were there. You were always someone he could not leave behind again. He'd lost you once, he wasn't going to lose you again. Word count: 999 Warning(s): Using stage names but otherwise none, brief mention of food

A day in the life...

You'd done this just once before. You knew if you continued to come here and feed the ducks, you would be in a whole lot of trouble. You knew your parents would be furious with you. But just once more couldn't hurt right?

You clawed your way through the hole in the fence that closed off the palace from the rest of the city. You slowly made your way through the lush, green, foliage. Careful to watch where you stepped as to not show any sign of getting in. You crept through, making sure the guards were not paying close attention. As soon as they turned their backs, you darted towards the pond, hiding yourself behind a tree with a trunk so thick it wouldn't budge even if the ground below it cracked. You were trying to catch your breathe as you turned to see a boy, about your height and age, staring at you in shock.

Eying him back, you were just as confused as he was. You were sure with how disheveled you looked, it was very… odd to see a child the same age as you creeping into your home. You smiled awkwardly while he continued to stare blankly. You being you, smiled awkwardly, “Can I feed it some bread?”

He still looked fully bewildered, “Y-Yeah, but how did you get in here?”

You smiled more genuinely, you were happy just to feed the ducks. “Hole in the fence.” You broke the bread in half, “I'm y/n. You are?”

“Jungwon…”

You offered half of it to him, “you want to feed the ducks with me?”

From that day forward, you continued to sneak in, nearly everyday. You enjoyed seeing Jungown. You frequently gathered together. Even in the dead of winter, long past when the pond had frozen over and the ducks had flown south.

You both had watched the fish swimming around. Until his mother had caught you. Seeing how alarmed he was, you chimed in to answer her questions. And you were quickly sent home. Who knew what happened to your friend?

-

Years had gone by, you still remembered him. You always wondered what happened to him. You hoped he was still alive. Still kicking and eating well. Sometimes, you would make up little stories as for what happened.

One time, you made a story about him becoming a knight in the guard. He had made it that far. He had traveled the world and had finally settled down, married with multiple kids.

You hoped he was doing great.

Crowded was one way of describing the market, today. It was never usually this busy with shoppers arguing with the vendors about prices, children crying because they couldn't get their sweet treats, people laughing so loud it could burst an eardrum. People were squished together. You tried to squeeze passed everyone to get to the stall you needed. Worming your way through was proving to be more difficult than the actual stall was worth.

You didn't actually need these flowers, you just wanted some to liven up your family home. When you had been a kid, your father would bring your mother one flower he bought at the market. And every week for the last 10 years, he did so. But now, that he was away on business, it was you who chose to step up and carry on what your father couldn't–for the time being.

The smell of rotten eggs and dog breath hung in the air. You tried not to gag as you came up to the stall. "Bouquet of dahlias, please?" You asked, gasping for air.

"All out of everything, sorry." He gave you an apologetic look before turning away.

You groaned before turning back to the tidal wave that was the crowd. This was the fourth day in a row they had sold out so quick. All that work had been for nothing. Absolutely nothing. How was your father getting them

so easily? What was his secret? Tomorrow, you were going to have to wake up even earlier than you had, just to be able to get through the treacherous crowd.

Defeated, you walked into a near by book store. You just needed a minute to yourself and you genuinely thought you were going to be allowed that but alas, there he was goofing off with the one of the sales clerks. That is until he spotted you walking in, he made his way quickly towards you. He ruffled your hair, making the strands fly every which way.

"Why do you look like that?" If eyes could kill, Riki would be a pile of dust by now. He scrunched his nose, looking as if he was disgusted, "And smell like that?"

"Because of you. That's why." He rolled his eyes, as you sat down on the couch that was near by. "I tried getting her the damn flowers but they sold out...again! Props to my dad, he must have gotten up at 2 in the morning and waited in line or something."

Riki looked at you, a little lost. "Those puffy flowers you keep on the table?"

"Yes?"

"You know, there's a field of them about 10 minutes from your house, right?"

"The Dahlias?" He nodded, "And you didn't think to tell me sooner?"

"I thought you knew!"

All that trouble you had gone through this morning was certainly not worth it. That's where your father had been getting them. What a little sneak! You couldn't believe it.

You got up from the couch, grabbing Riki by the wrist and dragging him along with you. "Let me at least tell my friend by, at least, before you drag me!"

“Nah-uh, you let me suffer for four whole days without telling me! Your friend will be fine without you saying ‘bye’!”

“You don't know that!”

“Riki, I swear to God, just show me and I'll convince my mother to make you the soup you like.”

“With the bread too?”

“Bread too.”

masterlist! ☆ next! ☆ previous!

Taglist is open!: @laylasbunbunny

[ang3l-d1nn3r]

That I hope well be friends for 999 more years poem hits so hard for me.. I think of my silly friend group I used to have. I miss them so much they were the best

[privateolives]

I saw people talk about their Zero Time Dilemma fixes around the tag so I thought I'd dump in my convo on the topic too (With shout-out to @oriko-magicas's galaxy brain read on Akane and Junpei)

Absolute wall of text below.

Me: I'm having trouble finding it, but there was a post talking about Akane and Junpei in Zero Time Dilemma that I really liked the interpretation of It's essentially talking about how Akane don't want anything but the perfect future with Junpei. She went through so much and spend so long aiming for fhe one needle hole solution to live that she can't settle for anything but her ideal fantasy ending anymore. Meanwhile Junpei still experiences time the way it normally goes and he was burned by 999. He knows things will never be the same cause THEY'RE not the same, but he's willing to work with that to stay with her And I think it's a super thematic read, especially when you consider their VLR attitudes

Friend: Yeah, you know, that actually makes a lot of sense to me

Me: https://www.tumblr.com/privateolives/730880206913552384?source=share

Okay I’m thinking of ztd again, and it’s how Akane only accepts a future with Junpei if it can be fairytale perfect. She wants so desperately to be that kid who died in the incinerator again, the one… There it is

Friend: That would certainly explain the way she frequently reacts to this new cynical, jaded Junpei

Me: I don't think that's her exact motivation for that ending but the sentiment is perf Yeah

Friend: It makes much more sense to me. Every time she shakes her head and says "what happened to you" it's because she's hopeful to see that same boy she used to know

Me: I think Junpei's attitude would make a lot more sense if the assholery was played up when Akane acts like he should still be the same like he was before 999. Or like the world could be how they saw it before then. It'd underline the dynamic better of "I need you to be the person I cried out to back then" and he's like "I love you but you literally made that impossible" … paired up with Carlos like "I am begging you to just talk" Carlos: you are both cute and valid but I NEED you to communicate

Friend: I think maybe part of it is that Junpei's jaded asshole net is thrown a bit wide. 'cause on one hand it is like he's upset at Akane for 999 and part of it is like he's upset that she acts like he should be the same after that, but then there's also all the shit that he went through since then and it feels like he blames her for that as well He's been through a lot in what has somehow just been one year and it feels like, perhaps fitting for someone who has also become an alcoholic, he's looking to put the blame for it all on someone

Me: Yeah Also I've been thinking, and I think there's an easy fix to the stupid "complex motives" crap. And a lot of Delta honestly

Friend: hell yeah let me hear it

Me: The whole frame he jeeps setting up with the snail. It's all about a series of small butterfly effects that cause an extremely specific outcome. That's what he wants to do too, same as the other zeroes, but he has one particular handicap: he can't shift or read timelines. He won't just know how to make the bricks fall to get the exact outcome he wants. But if he could gather enough shifters, he could read their hopping around through their minds. Because resonance would make the memories clearer. So he sets up the game that can only be completed by getting the exact result he wants and then introduces the piranha - Mira - to the equation to ensure it won't be a dead end stalemate Then in the end he can explain that yes, his motives are complex. Because the solution to save 8 billion without killing 6 billion is a hairline precise set of circumstances that he wouldn't be able to figure out what is naturally. So he had to make them create it. He had to make them all resonate to read them and make them all resonate to give them all awakened shifter powers for the future and to read at all. Furthermore I would play up his ego. The smugness of his own intelligence being double edged to believing he has to cause this himself because he's the only one who can. A staunch belief that he HAS to be what causes the bricks to fall as they should. And it'd make his point of "but I didn't do anything in this timeline. Everyone is prepped and noone is dead" more valid. Because he doesn't shift. He doesn't emotionally register all the timelines he massacred to get this one. He only know the actions that caused his personal outcome as a list of checked boxes checked off through their memories

Me: Furthermore, there could be another reason why he has to be the one triggering these events. I was super annoyed that it was like "Oh so now free the soul isn't enough. We need another terrorist group with a world ending leader. And what was the left thing about?" Well what if its not a separate terrorist group. What if the religious fanatic he's talking about is himself, transported forward in time. A younger version of himself is ending the world to create the ideal existence Dio was talking about. But the Delta who arrived in the original way back when doesn't shift. He has to live all those years. He meets interesting being like Sean that makes him realize that the differences between people makes for various choices that makes life beautiful. So now he has to find a way to out-checkmate himself to stop himself. How? Prep a group of people capable of doing what he can't to try and outsmart him. And set up a winning condition entirely set on being able to do that.

Friend: that's actually so brilliant because yeah I think definitely the weakest part of this outcome is that it doesn't really solve the problem that he set out to solve "You're all really motivated now!" oh so… what they wouldn't have tried to stop a terrorist attack if he hadn't made them all kill each other? the heck is that also, yeah I was going to ask you about that at some point. like, he doesn't mention Left at all in ZTD and I was confused if Sean was supposed to be related

Me: I don't think so. Because he was an old man when he met Sean in the hospital. But I think he was fascinated by Sean's approach to life And maybe made him consider that something could be beautiful outside of Left

Friend: this man just goin around creating marvels of science to preserve dead little boys

Me: I'm thinking part of it is also like Solving the conundrum of giving him whatever he wanted. He has his dreams of the future. He can give him that. But he's not in despair of having to die before that reality. So he gives ukm the option of death too By just giving him the option at all, he's ensured both will happen somewhere Thus the ideal outcome of how he can have both comes true Lastly, Mira's ending. I think they should have empathized more that she became a killer to understand experiencing emotions instead of just pretending them. She chases Eric because she thinks she wants to feel that rush again, but her connection with Sean could show her something different. That either through resonance she could experience emotions through others OR that you can still essentially be human even if you're only able to "simulate" having those emotions, like a robot (:Sean) does.

Me: Meanwhile Sean both wants better for and cannot forgive Mira for her crimes. But thanks to the choice with the bad and happy ends, he has an answer for how to both make Mira live with her crimes and ensure a future where it doesn't happen. By creating a split timeline where she goes back and stops her crimes from being committed. In this case, the original Mira would still know and have to live with what she did. But in the other timeline a young Mira never becomes the heart ripper and the crimes are undone. The sins are therefore both being punished and remembered for happening and erased to begin with at the same time.

Friend: you know what I like that one. that's a good way of interpreting it, especially with the way the transporter works also, doubly digging this idea. Mira being shown this robot child who either somehow experiences emotion or at the very least simulates it in such a way what it fools everyone (and also is capable of calling her out on her own emotional mistakes) should have so much more of an impact on her

Me: Yeah Like I genuinely think you could fix this game either a few tweaks

Friend: yeah absolutely also I'm not sure what the amnesia element really did for it? I guess it was to confuse the SHIFTers so they wouldn't know they had already SHIFTed but to what end?

Me: It might be to confuse the computer. Keep it from figuring out its not the real Sean too fast If it remembers being Sean it'd be easy to compare and contrast all the things that Sean definitely couldn't do or know and reach the conclusion If it doesn't remember being Sean, there's nothing to compare any contradictions to. It can only just assume that the reasons are things it can't remember Also, if the computer ONLY has Eric and Mira, it makes it more incentives to latch onto them and care about their situations, despite them both being monsters in their own right Oh Also The Carlos thing Rather than just "I couldn't have met you guys" you could do: 1) in order to fix this we need phi and Sigma here. That means we need a timeline where Akane and Junpei escape but don't stop Zero or the radical-6 outbreak. So he breaks in to bust them out. 2) they need the timeline where Delta gives them answers. Meaning they need a timeline where Zero "wins". So he can't interfere. 3) split worlds principle. By just introducing the choice to stop zero's plans or not, he's creates both options. This is the world where he doesn't stop Zero. But because he comes pre-packadged with the knowledge of what's gonna happen, he can still tail actions to secure the timeline that'll allow for them all to stop zero So there is a timeline where he stops Delta before DCOM, but because of the anthropic principle (there must be a perciever for the option to be percieved) Akane and Junpei never see it because they never had to go through the game. They only percieve the option where Carlos didn't stop Delta in time

Friend: that makes perfect sense to me gosh imagine that timeline, though. Akane and Junpei never go to DCOM so they never meet there poor Junpei is probably still chasing the ghost of this woman who …wait what was her reason for going to DCOM again?

Me: So her and Sigma could stol the outbreak Stop Of radical-6 ALSO also

Friend: yeah that's what I assume but I swear the game acts like she doesn't even know about Sigma or Phi or the outbreak

Me: (I've thought about how to fix this game a lot idk if you can tell) The thematic relevance of "but then I couldn't have met you guys" can actually be valid if you flip it around.

Friend: hahaha understandable how so?

Me: Because of Carlos, Akane can come to terms with the changes in Junpei and see the validity in the "broken" futures by showing there's things worth remembering even in the imperfect ones. Like the argument Junpei makes at the end of VLR, the relationships after the disasters still mean something to the survivors. And Carlos helps Junpei realize there's still fundamentally good people in the world and come to terms with Akane and what she did and who she is now. By inserting Carlos they're able to help mend their relationship. And if Carlos never met them because the DCOM experiment didn't go down like it did, their relationship wouldn't have been mended either They'd still just end up like how they did at the end of VLR. Essentially dead to each other "You're not who I thought you were, goodbye"

Friend: very true it certainly seems like by this game they were never really going to be able to talk it over on their own he was a necessary mediator

Me: Not to mention If Carlos never met THEM, he'd never realize the cause of the reverie syndrome to save Maria

Friend: True! Gosh she's kind of a whole anomaly herself

Me: Yes! I think it could be cool if the they worked her more into Carlos and his abilities tbh Let's think back to the 999 lore The idea of the Sender and Receiver If Maria was the "sender", she could have gone into reverie when she was stuck in the fire, trying to save herself and her family. She continues to be stuck in reverie because she keeps simulating how to a) save her family totally and b) save Carlos from all his other eventual dooms The problem with saving her family is that there is a huge world crisis going down soon that's gonna wipe out most of humanity anyway! So? Make sure Carlos goes to DCOM to save her and have her essentially be a satellite quantum simulator to feed Carlos his insights And through that also learn from Akane and Junpei (or just the experience itself) that either the timeline where their parents was also saved still exists but isn't percievable Or come to terms with their death by still having Carlos that survives both DCOM and the would-be apocalypse And thus be able to lay the endless simulations to rest and wake up (With the added cute twist that she already knows Akane and Junpei and their relationship with her brother when she wakes up. Thus why she's so invested in it in the epilogue)

Friend: that is a bizarre kind of adorable and sweet! she's his own quantum computer though I wonder if they'd be able to still use those abilities after she wakes up in that case

Me: I'm guessing it'd just go back to working like it did in 999. Carlos himself might be able to do it on his own from longtime exposure too, who knows.

[freakcliff]

what're ur ze recs hand em over

well now you're just fishing for compliments. fine tho. there isnt enough zero escape fanfiction in the world

The Bleeding Path by Sporadicx The missing nine, that Akane counts in years. [9 years between nonary games fic, best ever]

The First Nonary Game by airdeari A tale of nine children aboard a sinking ship, and the unbelievable story of how they survived. [note i wrote on my bookmark: this is one of those fics where I look in a fandom tag and go wow I hope someone wrote a really long thing to fill this very fanficable gap in original canon and boy howdy it does not disappoint! Getting to see 999 characters as teenagers, the tragedy of knowing this is a sort of prequel that has to end sad so that it can lead to the events of the game, all the first nonary game kids introduced!! Yuuki Ren Claire Nobu and Hideyoshi are canon in my heart <3. (also; everything by this author is a banger)]

Emergency Light by airdeari In the continuing adventures of SOIS and Crash Keys, Aoi Kurashiki finds himself partnered with Light Field as they stand by to receive while their sisters infiltrate a mysterious facility. When Clover transmits a distress signal, the boys find themselves literally and metaphorically traveling into deep, dark trouble.

5-2 Off Suite by Masu_Trout The second Nonary Game is over, leaving its survivors hungry, tired, and stranded in Nevada. A road trip isn't what any of them want, but the only way out is forward and the only way forward is across a long, long stretch of desert. (Alternately: Junpei and Snake share a hotel room, buy terrible clothing, and work out some feelings.)

ghost ship by mqole How long ago did they break? It hadn’t been too long, right? Maybe ten, fifteen minutes? That leaves just forty-five minutes for him to move Light to the chapel, get his clothes to Nijisaki in the shower room, and fix the REDs for doors [3], [7], and [8]. No goddamn sweat. Santa puts Snake in the coffin. [the nature of the zero escape fandom being made of like 10 content creators means that some of these will simply be by my friends. HOWEVER. still good.]

and to those gods i will speak bluntly by aesphantasmal Light was about to speak, say he had no issue with going through door five, too, when he felt the grip on his arm tighten further. "Four?" he whispered. Clover made a small noise that he took as a "yes." [Au where snake & clover go through door four w/ aoi & akane & snake Figures Things out too soon. awesome canon divergence great characterization written by an author whose other works are all good and who i have never spoken to in my life no sir. don't look at who this fic is gifted to. its good i swear.]

i am the righteous hand of god by aesphantasmal The mayor and the sheriff of a quiet frontier town are both killed in one day. But if you asked the folks around the town — from the newcomer to the new sheriff to the general store owner to the saloon keepers — nobody knows anything about it. The town keeps its secret, but to those who know the truth, that they know is enough. [cowboy au. need i say more?]

Also because this fandom has such little fanfiction comparitavely to most of the things i can reccomend. i have in fact written a bit of zero escape fanfiction . which you can find on ao3 at Beau (executive_gay)

[viridescent-lance]

TOA Anniversary Munday!

Celebrating TOA and the people who contribute to make our group what it is.

Repost, don't reblog. Only fill in what you feel comfortable sharing!

Happy anniversary, TOA! Here's to many more years spent together.

tagging whoever wants to do this!

Name: Pat Gem! Patrick is the full name but Pat is what I go by most often in this group.

Pronouns: he/they

Birthday (no year): September 15! Same as my beloved kitty Cassie.

Where are you from? What is your time zone?: I'm from California, PST! I was born in the Bay Area, moved to Alabama where I spent ten years as a kid, and moved back to California. That's the truncated version.

Roleplay experience: I started roleplaying on the Warrior Cats Forums in like...2010, I think? I also did private Skype rps with my best friend at the time. This lasted for 3-4 years until both fizzled out around the same time. I have some experience doing group nuzlocke rp on the nuzforums, but that also didn't last as long as I'd like. Other than some ttrpgs, I had a dry spell, and in 2019 I joined a Friends at the Table tumblr RP that would change my life. There I met Maddie and some other friends, and while the rp wasn't super active after I joined it, Maddie and I started doing rp ourselves! Finally, in late 2021, Lucius invited Maddie to TOA and I also got the invite and tagged along.

Got any pets?: Yep! Cassie and Oreo, my beloveds! Both cats, Cassie is the one with a hairdo and she's almost 4, Oreo's a year and a half and a tuxy baby.

Favorite time of year: I love when it is nice and cool but not too cold. Fall is my favorite season, personally, but really I especially enjoy not sweating to death.

Some interests and things you like: I'm a huge Pokemon fan, which I'll elaborate on later. Here though I'll say that I have a huge interest in competitive Pokemon, both singles and the official VGC circuit. I'm a big TTRPG guy! I have a lot of systems and games I like but I'll single out Fall of Magic, Jenna Moran games, the Forged in the Dark system, the Belonging Outside Belonging system, and It's Been A Long Long Time! I have an interest in speedrunning, I watch a lot of videos about it and it's fun. I love Discworld, the Terry Pratchett series. Tales of Vesperia is a game of all time. Yuri Lowell your problems disorders. Ace Attorney helped mold me as a person. Warrior cats will forever live in my heart. Bionicle also helped make me the guy I am today. 999 is a visual novel of all time. Play it and do not look it up. I actually have a huge interest in media analysis, it's something I really really enjoy talking about and researching. Splatoon my beloved. Octopath Traveler 1 and 2! I love birds and bats and lots of animals! Okay I'm running out of steam and also this is very long so I'll just stop here but there's definitely things I am forgetting.

Some funfacts & trivia about you: - I'm a library and women's and gender studies student, and hope to some day work as a librarian! For now, I'm an afterschool program associate, and I love working with the kids. - I have met Nancy Pelosi while wearing a Pokemon button up. - I've survived a tornado that started above my house. - I have finished 34 nuzlockes. - Marth was one of my first smash mains but I didn't get into Fire Emblem for years. - I have the cilantro soap gene but I like the taste of soap. - I'm physically disabled and use a cane irl! - My girlfriend used to have me blocked on Twitter. - I've made it to playoffs every single Pokemon draft league I've been in but never made it past semifinals - I was very isolated as a kid and rarely left the house. As a result, I learned my vocabulary mostly from books, as well as how I talk and emote from books and shows. I've been told I talk and act like a cartoon character, which I suppose is fair!

What non-Fire Emblem games do you play?: I play a bunch of Splatoon, probably one of the main games I play! It's very fun, and I'm a Sploosh/Custom Jr/Tentatek triple threat main who constantly hovers around S. Octopath Traveler 1 and 2 have me grabbed so hard. I am hopelessly a Pokemon guy. I play nuzlockes, casually, and competitively, and I have almost every single Pokemon and its learnset and viable competitive learnsets memorized. I am very normal about it. I also really love the Zero Escape series. I've been playing the warrior cats procgen sim ClanGen recently. I used to play a bunch of No Man's Sky, want to get back into that soon. Honestly I struggle to consistently play and finish games, and I've been trying to work on that.

Favorite Pokemon type & Pokemon: Bug; Flygon. Yes, you can combine these two to get the logical conclusion: Flygon should have been a Bug/Dragon type! It's based off the life cycle of a lacewing!!

How did you get into Fire Emblem?: I've got two stories here, one of how I almost got into Fire Emblem and how it got on my radar, and the other being how I finally got into it for real. So, in 9th grade, I had a crush on a boy who played Awakening at lunch every day. I'd talk with him and he actually offered to buy me Awakening, but I, one of the only poor kids in a rich school, was flabbergasted he would spent 40 dollars on me and felt guilty and was like are you sure? And he was like well okay if you don't want me to. I kind of wish I'd taken him up on the offer because he sucked as a person and his family was super rich but oh well. I then played the hell out of the demo. Flash forward to 2019. I'm scrolling twitter and see a friend of mine is streaming Fire Emblem Three Houses. I've seen it before, and it seems pretty fun. A lot of my friends like Fire Emblem. I watch the stream and fall in love with the characters and style of the game, and I impulse buy Three Houses. I then tell Maddie and sell them on Three Houses. Thus, it begun...

What Fire Emblem games have you played?: This is a fun and complicated question for me to answer because if you count me backseating Maddie, it's some of fe4, most of fe7, fe8, fe9, fe10, over half of fe13, some fe14, fe15, and fe16. If it's just me, that shrinks down to some fe7 and fe8, some fe9, over half of fe13, some fe15, and some fe16. I was an active participant in watching the games so it feels like a smidgen of playing them but not quite?

First Fire Emblem game: Either the Awakening demo or Three Houses.

Favorite Fire Emblem game: Shadows of Valentia, Sacred Stones, and the Tellius duology. Hard to specify a single favorite, especially depending on what we are defining favorite as.

Any Fire Emblem crushes? 😳 : Where do I begin. I mean Lukas is like, perhaps one of my strongest ones. Though I'm also smitten with Forsyth and attracted to Python despite him being terrible boyfriend material. Recently I have been making eyes at Legault in Blazing Blade, and also playing Fates for the first time had me really surprised at how much Setsuna charmed me. Uhhh lemme think also. Christ Kent your problems disorders bewitch me. Claude you are my everything I will do anything for you. Shamir also if we are talking 3h, what a gal. Ranulf my beloved, he's got things together and he's playful and teasing and just has a great personality. Also Titania...pretty and strong and cool and just a fantastic character who I would not object to kissing on the mouth. I think i might stop here because if I keep going I am going to just take you on a tour of my numerous Fire Emblem crush tastes.

If you’ve played the following games, who was your first S support? Who would you S support nowadays? - Awakening: Panne; I'd also S support Libra or Say'ri. I need to mention that my first awakening playthrough was in 2020 though so if I'd gotten it in 2013 like I almost did I'd probably have gotten married to like...Libra if I waited that long, Chrom if I messed up and got automarried, or like. Stahl or something bc he's really nice and a knight. - Fates: I have not S supported anyone in Fates yet but Setsuna and Silas I am Looking. - Three Houses: I actually never have S supported anyone in Three Houses, as I never actually finished my personal playthrough! However, my big choices are Shamir and Claude, though w the latter I just pretend that's me bc I don't do teacher/student. - Engage: Not enough experience to say who I might S support. Will get back to you.

Favorite Fire Emblem class: Do laguz/taguel/manakete count. I'm also weak for archers I shan't lie.

If you were a Fire Emblem character, what would be your class?: Oh I know I'd be one of those frail little mages who has explosive firepower and waning physical ability. Honestly being that but on a wyvern would be fun. My good friend my mobility wyvern.

If you were a Three Houses character, what would be your affiliation?: Golden Deer 4ever baybee not even close.

If you were an Engage character, which Emblem would you Engage with?: I'll get back to this, I'm not sure if I have the info I need to make an informed choice. My first thought is that I would love to have Ike chilling with me though, Ike my good friend Ike.

How did you find TOA?: Lucius invited Maddie, and Maddie invited me! I was roleplaying Forsyth with Maddie's Python 1on1 at the time and the idea of a group RP was very appealing to me, despite me being swamped with work and school and health issues at the time. I'm so glad I made the leap!

Current TOA muses: Forsyth and Leanne!

Who was your first TOA muse? If you don’t have them anymore, could you see yourself picking them up again?: Forsyth! I don't see myself dropping him unless his narrative here is done, really.

Have you had any other TOA muses?: Oh Ranulf...I had a very fun time with him, but I just was not in the state to handle three muses and having two muses has been much more manageable, so he's probably not coming back for a while.

Do you think you have a type of character you gravitate towards?: I tend to write very earnest characters, especially in a group RP setting. I've pushed my comfort zone before, but characters who express themselves very openly and intensely are my bread and butter. Characters who wear their hearts on their sleeves, for better or worse.

What do you believe you enjoy writing the most?: Hard to say, but honestly I really enjoy writing relationships, and the ways in which they shift and change over time. I really like character-focused writing the most, emotions and thoughts and such, and exploring the connections between characters! This feels like a silly answer, but it's what I'm feeling!

Favorite TOA-related memory: Oh man this is a hard one. Hard to choose so I'll just pick one that came to mind which is Leanne and Vaida's bizarre adventure in Queen's Compass. What a good event that was, blows a kiss to the sky for Zyra. I'm also a huge fan of everything involving Forsyth's Jugdral meddling and the narrative impact of his deaths in KKE. There are so many funny little experiences and memories that stick with me forever, really.

How do you pronounce TOA? 🤔: Tee-oh-ay! Pronouncing it as a word is the same as Toa from Bionicle and to keep them distinct in my mind I sound it out.

Got any delusions that didn’t see the light of day that you’d like to share? 😉: The world if I could handle three muses...Legault scratching at my door. Ranulf also scratching at my door. Blows a kiss to the guys I would enjoy playing but don't have the time and energy for.

[maddstermind]

I'm crying at some of these titles - but also Lemon Demon is making more sense now knowing you know Homestuck (this is a compliment btw, I'm adding some of their songs to my list (Knife Fight)) ANYWAY - pls tell me more about howie dies dot jpeg and 999 999 laughing for real right now- On a more serious note - we're doing it man, we're making this happen You've been updated to Warheads cause my face currently resembles sucking on one I'm losing my fuckin mind rn

Yes, YES, I highly recommend pretty much everything Lemon Demon has every done. Listen to Bustin', it's hilarious. (As far as I know, Lemon Demon/Neil Cicierega has nothing to do with Homestuck, but they do have a similar vibe lmao. Also I'm honored to be upgraded.)

OKAY WRITING THINGS YEEHAW.

howie dies dot jpeg Snippet:

President Howard Goodman sat at his desk in the Oval Office, alone. The orange light of the setting sun filled the room, silhouetting him with his back to the window. He was alone. He kept telling himself that.  There was no one else in the room, hadn't been for hours as he demanded to be left alone for the rest of the day, but he could not convince himself that he was actually alone. He felt watched. Every shadow out of the corner of his eye looked to be a person, or a beast, or some horrific fusion of the two. It was worth mentioning that Howard hadn't been sleeping well lately.

About: The other (joke) working title for this was "Howie's Hot Girl Summer." The real title was "I'll Find You In The Next Timeline." It was meant to be for the 2023 Hatchetfield Big Bang (which I host!), but I got swamped and wasn't able to work on it for long. It's a timeloop story about the (fictional) President of the United States, Howard Goodman. And also he's in love with the mysterious military man, General John McNamara. I'll probably eventually get around to finishing and publishing it. Someday.

999 999 laughing for real right now Snippet:

"When I meet my soulmate, I'll tell you about all the colors, okay?" Light teased her about how she'd be able to describe colors without using examples, but she was stubborn. She swore she'd tell him what colors were like. "Alright," Light ruffled her hair, "you better keep your promise, then." "I will!" She grinned, though he didn't see it. He didn't have too, though. He just knew.

About: This fic is from [claps] 2017! I always meant to get around to finishing it... It's called "Prism of Light," and its a Zero Escape soulmate AU, the one where you start seeing color when you touch your soulmate for the first time. It's Light/Aoi (Snake/Santa) and I only got about two chapters in, but it is on AO3 for the curious. (It's not very good.)

we're doing it man, we're making it happen Snippet:

At age nine, Max saw a picture of Mothman and decided that was what they wanted to be when they grew up, and they've been working towards it ever since. Their desire to discover the bizarre often led to them believing too easily — luckily for them, Lizzie was always there to balance the scales. While she also had a keen interest in the weird, she was more skeptical, thinking things through more thoroughly before deciding whether or not to believe them. Together, the two had spent their years of friendship exploring the island town of Saint Hazel, following every possible lead in hopes of finding any scrap of strangeness in the sanitized town. They'd had their fair share of successes, even if it was never anything as grand-scale as Max hoped.

About: The actual title of this one is "The Conspiracy Gang," and it almost belongs in the "mix of both" category. It's an original work that is based on a roleplay of Starkid's Hatchetfield series done by me and my friends; the main characters are/were our OCs for the universe, but I love them so much I wanted to write a version of their story on my own (with my friend's permission, of course!) Max is my character, and Lizzie belongs to my good friend @cosmic--static! I haven't gotten that far into writing it, sadly, because I've been so heavily focused on Auberon. But someday!!!!!! OH ALSO ITS A COSMIC HORROR STORY FORGOT TO MENTION LMAO

[chamanthi-crab]

Weheheheh got that new laptopp

Well...i got it earlier

I have more space now I can play games nowwww

I can finally play Final Fantasy IX ( still need to buy it though)

Anyways I started playing 999 (again? but this is the first time with the steam version). I played the ds version gosh maybe 10 years ago or 9 years ago lmao. I think I only did like 2 or 3 endings so didn't get to see the whole story. Haha I remember playing with my friend on a first playthrough and we were like "let's follow santa" for any choices for doors

The flow feature is really nice, I don't have to restart from the beginning each time. But the skip text that was already read or fast forward feature is not really working in the steam version? Or i just don't have a setting right. I'm pretty sure that was in the ds version

Im hoping to actually finish, im thinking hey maybe for the true route I should break out my 3ds and actually finish it there. Were there restrictions on you had to get every ending first before you get the true ending on the ds version? I should check

Some of these escape rooms I don't really remember playing so it's nice to have a renewed mind haha

[jessieyeomans101]

SILENT EMERGENCY CALLS.

What would you do if you were in danger? Call 999, we'd hope. But what if talking or making a noise could put you or those around you in even more danger? What would you do then?

You might not know it, but emergency services in the UK have a special procedure in place for this very situation. With the UK's terror threat level now "critical", it's important to know how to react when in danger.

Usually, if you call 999 and are silent, the operator will ask you to make a noise, such as a cough. But if you're unable to make a sound the best thing to do is dial 55, otherwise the call will end and the police possibly won't attend at all.Police have admitted in the past that they don't automatically investigate every silent 999 (or 112) call, because there's a chance someone may have mis-dialled the number

Earlier this year, they issued a reminder to the public that the 55 feature, known as Silent Solutions, exists – it is little known and could save lives. Also remember if using a mobile police may not automatically be able to find you so responses may be delayed so if you have location on your mobile please activate it as well as if you have an iPhone activate find iPhone. So, if you were as clueless about this as I was then please copy and paste this on your wall and too friend.

[grievediary]

6/7/23

23:19

Today has been a day of recovery still; just want to talk about some things I've been thinking about.

It's been a hard week. Some good things have happened recently though. I got a job for the summer (and hopefully a bit beyond, if I can manage my schedule well), and secured a place volunteering in a research lab, to start hopefully sometime in mid-July.

I got extremely sick on Monday, where I woke up with a super sore (started feeling it Sunday?) throat that got progressively worse through the day til I ended up with an excruciating headache, full body muscle aches, and intermittent nausea. I thought it was the flu but now perhaps just a viral bug, because the worst symptoms were that night and I've been getting better every day, though it was really, really awful. Last time I felt anything near that was two years ago where I got so sick I called 999 because I thought I was going to die.. hah. I remember phoning him and trying not to cry, because I just wanted a parents reassurance and felt so alone and like such a child. I felt it again that day.

I ended up sitting in the bathroom shaking, and I stuck three fingers down my throat to make myself throw up finally to try and get the nausea to go away. I vomited twice, the only meal I had that day and it was as disgusting and awful as every other time I've thrown up. Truly I think it's the worst physical experience. I ended up back in bed, feeling so cold but sweating and restless and I was waking near every 30 minutes in a state of near-delirium. Didn't think I'd be able to sleep more than an hour straight through but I think my body was so exhausted it just sort of gave up. Sore throat, headaches, no apetite still for days after, but I had a proper meal again on day three, so there's that. Eating more today too, though it's not enjoyable. Had to call out of work but hoping to make it into my shift tomorrow.

I also start moving out tomorrow. I want to say it's annoying, but ultimately I think it just saddens me. Moving itself isn't really a big deal, I think I just get tired of this impermanence, the repeated transitions and largely the reminder that I do it primarily alone, and I'm alone because he died and I have few friends. It's hard to think about.

I also had therapy yesterday. We went over an international trauma questionnaire, and I'm supposed to get some feedback on during the next session, but I did look it up after and read through the assessment criteria. I think it stands to reason that I may have CPTSD. I've suspected this for some time now, but thinking of it actually being concrete, my current reality, has been very jarring. Also quite upsetting.

I've been thinking a lot about loss again. Loss of family, friends, and thinking about past experiences that won't be repeated. People I most likely won't ever see again. Conversations that won't happen. Love that I can't make known. It's been really hard.

Being unwell meant I've been on bedrest and it's meant my mental health started to slide. I've been feeling distanced from friends, though one has been reaching out to me every day to ask how I am and if I need anything, and that's been really really nice. Still I wish I had more friends, more connections. Could feel like I'm cared for more often, because it feels so extremely rare. That people's care for me is made known, and I really feel it. I wish it wasn't like this. It's like at moments I reverted to being a child again, sick and wanting nothing more than to be nurtured, taken care of completely but the harsh reality and overarching background is that I won't ever experience that again, and I don't think I'll experience anything similar to it either.

I think I'd like to let myself be open to a soft and careful love. I'm deathly afraid that it's never ever going to happen.

I talked about being tired, in therapy, about feeling it both mentally and physically. I have felt psychologically tired for a very long time. Every day takes energy and effort that I think should be impossible for me to gather. This quote, by Anaïs Nin -

Life requires an effort I cannot make.

Yeah.

[swaqcenix]

I'm really sorry to hear that.. I'm that anxious person if you remember me from my request.

hmm. i hope you'll be fine soon. the main thing, I think, is to ensure your physical comfort by staying more outdoors, spending more time with comfortable people. but it also does not mean that you have to be in the company all the time, it is also important to be alone with yourself sometimes in order to experience this something properly.

I just want to say that it should help to establish order in the head, help to come to terms with it easier.

thank you so much that you are still here and that you are still trying to fulfill our requests. If you're comfortable with that, then I'm sending you a virtual hug. we are with you, you are not alone.

..although we are completely strangers to each other, we are united by the same funny sometimes really strange ideas.

everything will be okay, you will be okay. 🖤🖤🖤

999? what is your emergency? yes i'm crying because this message made me bawl!

No don't worry darling i didn't forget you i'm actually working on your request rn/first bit by bit as i loved the idea! <3

you fr have melted my heart though. i'm not too good at being social despite how extroverted i sound. in fact nobody in my family/ surrounding social circle aside from my rlly close friend is aware of this situation. i don't deal well with expressing emotions to put it lightly i hate the concept of showing in front of people. in regards to what you just stated though it means the world to me i can't even put it into words! :)

unfortunately with my circumstance it happened 5 years ago it's dealing with self-blame that's my situation despite knowing deep down it isn't my fault. and ofc!!

writing is my outlet i adore it entirely it's the one place that i'm allowed to be me without judgement and without question that's why it may tend to sound quite deep and heavily written. the hug is more than welcomed and this whole message genuinely made me tear up! you aren't alone ether, please remember that!

ah fuck the strangers to each other, you are everything and deserve the world. you're the pulse in everyone's lives that gives the heart ability to beat, to heel and feel. you're genuinely amazing and this message means the world.

i did giggle at the strange ideas fr, cause our mindsets jesus.. but that's the first time i've heard in sometime those kinda words so thank you sweetheart, for saying that. thank you for being you💌🫂