#i hope this was . helpful? sensical? idk

[hermitsdump]

I wish all jujutsu kaisen fans a very media literacy and manga reread

[bright-and-burning]

hii i saw you posting about your job and you work with code/data, right?? do you mind explaining a little bit of what you do? i’m a data scientist and i get excited to find fellow computer/data ppl in the wild. (also i’m having a bit of a career crisis and have been wondering what else i could do with my skills lol)

omg hello fellow data person <3 i feel like there’s surprisingly few of us around here (in comparison to the lawyer population of f1blr lol). thinking carefully abt how to explain my job w/o self doxxing akdhskhd. the short answer is i do something different on a monthly (if not weekly) basis basically 😭

(the doing something different all the time is actually kind of wonderful for me personally; when im sick of a project i know ill have like maximum another month of working on it all the time and then im free.)

the long answer is…

i work in the public sector on a research team. we do a LOT of things for only being like. a dozen people. *i* do a lot of things. i work a ton with demographic data, and mobility data, and GIS data (usually all together), to name a few bits and bobs, which is fun. i do a lot of what we call foundational research, which is like. maintaining and improving datasets/databases and tools for quick requests and easy periodic updates for dashboards/reports/etc. i don’t have the subject area expertise/background most of my coworkers have (lots of phds in a field i LOATHED in undergrad lmfao), but i do eat sleep breathe python, so. i ask a lot of silly questions abt acronyms and concepts, and in return they get the analysis they wanted about 10 hours earlier than they expected.

technically speaking i mostly work with python, sql, arcgis, and i guess excel if you wanna count that (although when i have to use excel i get grumpy). i get to write memos w my cute little data visualizations and maps sometimes, and contribute to reports and presentations, but mostly i put out fires, keep the data im responsible for up to date and thriving (i think im at like. four Very Different datasets im in charge of now?? maybe five actually), and fulfill various pull requests

idk what you do rn anon but having had experience in data science in finance… i like this uhhh so much better. i can’t even talk abt the most fun bits of my job bc they’re the most specific LOL but idk in finance i was never gonna be switching between exploring the spatial logic of shifts in employment numbers over time and proving [redacted federal agency’s Very Very Well Known Household Name numbers] wrong to their faces, much less in a two week span.

and at the end of the day i can walk around town and point to physical shit like “oh yeah i helped make this project happen, and i proved the usefulness of This project, and—” (as one mutual who shall not be named knows bc i literally worked on a project that took away their street parking LOL) while also knowing that i’m like. contributing to tangibly helping people (the street parking disappeared for BIKE LANES. OK.)

also the benefits are great. i will shill so hard for government vacation benefits lol. but i also have a lot of friends in data science that do very different things from me, so if you ever wanna slide in the dms i can talk more specifically abt that and more specifically abt what i do. please feel free!!

[fictionalsownme]

Do you have any tips that you're willing to share when it comes to writing Wilford? Like, tips to keep writing him as in character as possible?

Hi! I’d love to share some tips!! 🥰 Wil is pretty hard to write for to be honest ^^" It can be easy to fall out of the rhythm of his character since he's just so strange of a guy haha but I guess that's what makes him fun too! each of the points ended up pretty long so hopefully I didn't get too ramble-y!

anyway! hopefully some of these pointers help out! 💞

some disclaimers really quick: all of these are my own interpretation but by no means does anyone have to follow these or do I think I'm right or anything like that! also, this is for wmlw!wilford since I pretty much only write for him so far :) let's get into it!

Wil has two modes depending on how grounded he is. The first is a go-with-the-flow airhead who has no idea what's going on and is completely unbothered by this. Everything just washes right over him, and he seems to think everyone else is like this too. He speaks in non-sensical idioms half the time, each sentence only barely connecting to the last. His accent is pretty over the top in this headspace too! The second is when he's a bit more grounded, probably leaning more Colonel than Wilford. In my writing, he gets like this when he's reminded of his past (similar to wmlw), forced to be present in the current moment, or emotional in some way, etc. His accent is less subtle and more typically british, and he speaks in longer, more logical sentences.

Stress the right words in his dialogue. This one might just be a quirk of my writing style because I love to overuse italics as you can probably tell haha but Wil emphasizes really random words when he speaks, so even just sprinkling it in every once in awhile I feel like adds a lot!

Don't forget his body language. In a similar vein to the previous point, Mark's performance of Wilford is reallyyy physical, and dependent on his mannerisms. How he moves his hands is a big one, they hang in the air or land in interesting spots. Same for his expressions, how he tilts his head, how he sits and walks around, etc. Don't forget to keep him moving often unless he's still for a specific reason (scared, thinking, etc).

Have Wilford 'MOTHERLOVING' Warfstache on standby. I play wmlw pretty much on a loop & on silent in the background while I write him if I feel like I'm struggling to get him right. The way Mark acts him is so specific with his voice and his mannerisms and everything so having the video to refer back to is super helpful even just to get the vibe down. Sometimes I'll watch the whole thing start to finish before I start my writing session, though,, maybe I'm procrastinating hehe

Try to balance his humor, sweetness, and attractiveness. This one is a little weird, and probably depends on your preferences and what kind of fic you're writing, but for me, these are the main aspects of Wil's personality I like to focus on. Like, let's not forget, he's totally ridiculous. But he also seems very sensitive, and you know... he's hot. He's a goofball! I found myself forgetting the funnier side of his personality while I was working on my fic so I figured I'd throw it in :)

He's not as violent as he used to be. so it's clear that Wil doesn't have the temper that he did as the Colonel, but I like to take it a step further and say that once we reach WMLW, he doesn't struggle as much with violence. This is a bit more headcanon territory but Wil's violence post-WKM was based in a (mis?)understanding that death isn't real in this world. I think that plus his desensitization to violence eventually brought him full circle all the way back around to just being kind of passive. He's not scared of violence or guns at all (ie kissing Abe's gun) but he doesn't really bother with them himself either. I just like him as kind of a harmless clueless puppy idk 👉👈 hehe

I hope these helped, and lmk if you have any more questions! I like rambling about my boy(s) kikiki 💞 thanks for the ask!

[starsmuserainbow]

It's not needed for a reply here, but I know the most people here and hope someone can help me -

is it possible to... how do I word this. Say you did something for someone, and they don't say thanks (not right away, at least).

Is there a way to word it in a way of "oh, you're welcome that I did x for you"? How exactly would you say it? I do want to have "you're welcome" in there but how do you add something that you did to that?

"you're welcome that I did x" "you're welcome for me doing x" "you're welcome I did x"

something like these? all or none of these? What'd be the proper, idk, gramatically or sensically "right" way to say this?

[the-martyrfication-of-the-matron]

hellooooo oml i am like drinking so i might ot be the most sensical rn but hello. helloo

i commissioned you ocne and idk how many comms you get so this might be sooo obvious who i am but !!!! your art is so lovely. its so beautifl. i look at it and i see a painting. i see a visison. i look at the piece you made for me and feel like i robbed you with the costs for how it has shifted and tken a new place in my heart. i look at it so fondly bc how can you make something so beautiful ??? oml the skill and dedication you have put into honing your craft astounds me. it takes my breath away. sometimes i feel jealous for not knowing you bc i wish i could peel back your skin and peer into your brain and learn what churns in your head and how you generate your ideas and just. how much effort goes into making such beautiful things

oml and your writing HHAH. i went into the new lycorris radiata fic prologue recently (i can[t believe you deleted the original chap one i lovoveeed that thing king) (it took me like five attempts to speel king right) and i love the changes. i was writing a review in my notes app about it and i was painstaking lygoing through it all and i think i was liikkek??? 600 words in /?? and my phone had the audacity to nottt translates my notes over when i changed phones as if i haven't been working on my review for a week. fml.

but it is so beaitufl. you write like a fairytale. this issooo embarrassig and i'm gonna wake up tomorrow so embarrassed for sending this and feeling so parascial lmao but your art is truly beautiful. its like a microcosm of everything that makes you you even if i dont know you adn tyu build this tneous connection between the reader and the author and the stry and it leaves me in awe. you wrrite like a fairytale. the description is beautiful the characterisation is awe-inspiring and it creates a little place in my ribs where i think back on it and go wow. ths is the kind of story i will think back on for years to come.

SORRY I AM thteee sappiest drunk everr. we've arely talked this is sooo embarrassing but idk. yiour arrt is so gorgeous and i hope you know that. hope you wake up ever morning and you know you've put something so beautifyl out into the world and there is something who dearly anticipates every next word and who thinks your art is beautiful and your writing has changed somethingi nme. i love avra. i love vyla.d i love every word i've read and i wish i could share that oherently in my original review that i lsot but alas.

i'm so sorry LMAMO this will probably bee sooo weird for you to recieve frma strangero ntumbulr. i so need to sober up but its just so breathtaking. your brain is breath taking. i cannot wait for the day you next update or share art or do anything creative bc your wriitng is beautiful your art is beautiful and i smm sooso grateful you shared it with the world. is so beautiful i cannot help but believe you yourslef must be beautiful bc who else could create the kind of art you do

ok im done now im not reading thiisi ober nd i have no idea how long it actually is LMAOA i wish you the best strangerr. you are the kind of person someone would yearn to know (sorry i probs sound sooo parasocial haaha0 and i hope you are soo well

I’m screaming and crying and throwing up and I’m tearing off my clothes so I can run into the woods and howl at the moon and turn into a canine beast

This is

Everything to me, drunk anon, you are everything to me. I will one day get a printer so I can print this ask out, and I will post a YouTube video of me eating the entire thing, with no cuts, and no audio. Full on mukbang. Because I need this to be a part of my soul. And people will argue that consuming something does not integrate it into you forever but I would rather this be a part of me for only a short while than never at all

This has me feral and insane, you’re so sweet about me and you write in such a poetic prose I need you to write some kind of fiction now.

For this alone I will draw you a thousand pieces of art, using my own blood sweat and tears as my materials if I must. You are everything, Anon.

I wish that review still existed simply so I could read more of your words because if this is you drunk then I cannot imagine how you talk sober.

[makethiscanon]

3, 5, 9, 16, 28, and 29 for the wrapped writer's edition

3. What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)?

It’s got to be Mistletoe (A Christmas Bakugou x Reader One Shot Collection). Forever and always. I wrote all three short stories in three weeks, right in the middle of busy period at work. 

Idk I guess I’m just really proud of how I wrote Bakugou? I got a really lovely comment that said something like “soft bakugou IN CHARACTER?” and that was just so lovely because I spent time trying to devise how to make a realistic love story with that grump.

5. What work of yours got more feedback than you expected?

Hm. This year, probably Loveless (Genesis x Reader). It’s a fic I wrote back in 2009. The very beginning of my writing journey. But it got a bit of a resurgence on AO3 this year. I guess because of the FFVII: Crisis Core Reunion announcement/release? Either way, I thought that fic was buried, but it was really nice to get some comments on this year. Positive ones, to boot!

9. Favorite pairing you wrote for this year?

I mean, it’s always gonna be Ojiro/Reader. But I’ve actually really enjoyed writing a Baji Keisuke/Reader fic (unreleased) this year because it’s been super fun to get to know his character. He’s equal parts arsehat, softie, feral and idiot. So, jumbling all those qualities together has made him a joy to write for.

16. What’s your most common “Additional Tags” tag?

Without a doubt, ‘Fluff’ tops the tags, followed by ‘Hurt/Comfort’, and then either ‘No/Mild Angst’. I like to spread the warm fuzzies.

28. Favorite work you wrote this year?

Published would have to be A Helping Hand (Ojiro x Reader). It’s full of all the tropes I love. First Meetings, Rescue, Slice of Life Fluff. And it’s an easy introductory fic for those who haven’t read any Ojiro pieces before.

Unpublished, I’ve got to say there is a really fun rewrite I’m working on. A piece I originally wrote in 2009. It was originally a Bleach x Reader fic based at a waterpark but I said hey-ho and threw caution to the wind, and now it’s a chaotic, non-sensical crossover x reader that will never see the light of day, but caters to my every taste, and is the only reason I’m still writing every day. Hehe.

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

So this is a snippet (not really a passage, I know) from a Krel x Reader fic I’m writing, but it’s only the canon cast here. It’s meant to be a comedic scene, and I think they’re pretty in character, mannerisms and all. So my big head is saying this one:

‘At the base of the mountain, once everyone had their skiing equipment, they huddled together with a map to decide which course to try.

“Ooo, let’s do this one.” Aja said, pointing at a course that started at the top of the mountain, marked by two black diamonds. Steve wrestled the map away from her, pitching her a loving but ‘are you nuts’ expression.

“You can’t start on a double-black diamond piste.”

“Why not?” She countered with a scowl. Then she smiled. “Aw. Are you worried?”

“A-doy. Double-blacks are expert level. Aja, people die on double-blacks. How about we start on a green course?”

“Imminent death?” Varvatos chortled with glee. “Glorious! Only the most dangerous courses are worthy of Varvatos’s footfall. If today is to be our day, may we crash and burn in snow-blazon glory!”

Passers-by picked up their speed, hoping to get away from the seemingly senile old geezer.

[nightunderthesilversky]

Cherry wine

I was singing to Cherry Wine as one does and started dissecting and analysing the lyrics in my head, so doing a full-scale of it here. It’s going to be pretty disorganised probably but meh. Should I think of this tumblr like a commonplace diary? But it feels like a performance anyway. My entire life feels like a performance. TW: Domestic, intimate partner violence, romanticisation of domestic violence and imagery. More notes at bottom of post. 

“Her eyes and words are so icy Oh but she burns Like rum on the fire Hot and fast and angry as she can be I walk my days on a wire.”

Her anger is explosive in its sharpness and silence. Walking on a wire or walking on eggshells is used to describe when one fears the other one blowing up over small things; this relationship is governed mostly by one party and is unhealthy. 

Walking on wires cuts deep lines into your soles. 

Why do you keep walking?

“It looks ugly, but it's clean, Oh momma, don't fuss over me.” I find his contrasting use of ugly and clean very interesting because in my head it correlates to how used-to the person is to the abuse. If you walk in a random, non-sensical pattern 100 times, it’ll start making some sense to you. It also makes me wonder about what ‘clean’ actually means, because abusive relationships can often be hot-and-cold (thanks hozier) and just all over the place and not very clear or logical. 

“Oh momma, don’t fuss over me” seems to speak to the isolation in an abusive relationship. Abusers often isolate their victims from their family and friends and support groups and make them feel like they can’t talk to anyone about the relationship because they just wouldn’t get it, and would misunderstand. A gaslight that the abuser is only misunderstood and would be judged and is a poor person and has the victim protecting them.

“The way she tells me I'm hers and she is mine Open hand or closed fist would be fine The blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine.”

There’s a sense of belonging that probably contributes to the romanticisation, despite the boundedness of it, it still feels like solid ground in a way. A fixed cage whose limits you know instead of a moving one. 

“The blood is...sweet as cherry wine” makes me think about the ‘I hurt you only because of how much I love you’ tactic or gaslight. If she’s being passionate, it’s because her love for him inspires passion. “Rare” is also trivialisation of the issue and hurt caused, I think. He’s telling his mother that it’s nothing to be worried about. 

IDK why this songs seems to be sung to a fireplace for me, in winter chill. Loneliness and desolation of a raven kind.

“Calls of guilty thrown at me All while she stains The sheets of some other Thrown at me so powerfully Just like she throws with the arm of her brother.”

Abusers often victimise themselves and accuse their victims of being abusive or unhealthy or ‘bad’ as a tactic. The person feels guilty too. They’re aware it’s not healthy but are romanticising it still perhaps- like being stuck in an alternate world.

They know the abuser isn’t loyal to them. And it isn’t love after all, when they cheat you, but they don’t speak about it much more. I just get the sense that the person is aware of what is happening and distantly, of why it’s wrong but is feeling like they need to suppress it or keep the knowledge far away. Like denial, I guess. 

“But I want it It's a crime That she's not around most of the time.”

Living without something for some time can give you more distance to nitpick only the parts that look lovely or romantic. Time blurs things and can make you miss them even when they don’t deserve it (I miss my childhood best friend more than I loved her at the time). Memory distorts. 

The abuser is a terrorising presence despite her absence. The person is walking their days on a wire even when she’s not around most of the time. 

“The way she shows me I'm hers and she is mine Open hand or closed fist would be fine Blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine.”

“Her fight and fury is fiery Oh but she loves Like sleep to the freezing Sweet and right and merciful I'm all but washed In the tide of her breathing.”

Sleep to the freezing is sweet and right and merciful to the freezing. A loss that makes you detached cuts you off from shivers of pain. Sleep for the freezing is easy to come by, but bad for you. 

“The tide of her breathing” makes up a different picture in my head.  Of flaring nostrils in an angry father and a scared, skittish and anticipating daughter.  This is a frightening image. You can also smell alcohol on people’s breath sometimes, and alcohol abuse and domestic violence are often correlated in media. Cherry wine is bitter red sugar. 

“And it's worth it, it's divine I have this some of the time.”

And what is it like rest of the time? The person seems to be highlighting the passion and romanticising it, and choosing to eclipse and deny the rest. 

I’ve always been confused by people claiming they are ‘God-fearing’ as a good quality. Often, religion makes a sense of reward and punishment based on ‘trust-me’ commandments or laws or guidelines. God and Religion set the rules which no one knows why, but people try to make sense of and figure out.

“Divine” is supposedly superior,and all-knowing, and wonderful to witness. 

Hozier uses a lot of religious imagery in his songs. 

“The way she shows me I'm hers and she is mine Open hand or closed fist would be fine The blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine.”

- Hozier A/N: Please note that I am not trying to romanticise abuse or domestic violence!!! It is harmful, inexcusable and causes a lot of pain. Real love and care do not abuse. If you are in an abusive relationship, I hope you get out soon. It must be so tough for you and I’m proud of you for keeping on trying. It is not your fault and you do not deserve this. I hope you find the help you need.  Adding some links to resources that might help below. Others, there are also a few ways you can get educated and help!! Also, if anyone finds this triggering despite the warnings and insensitive, please DM me, and I’ll try to take it down. I’m doing this as a literary exercise only (and not a very advanced one at that) ___

Women In Distress (Also for male survivors and anyone!)-  CRISIS HOTLINE: 954-761-1133

Please see https://www.thehotline.org/

Indian Helpline for women: 181,  1091/ 1291, (011) 23317004 Indian Helpline for men: 8882-498-498 

UK helpline for LGBTQ+ domestic violence victims/survivors:

Phone 0800 9995428

Email help@galop.org.uk  

And see website. 

LGBT surviors helpline :  617-742-4911 (voice) • 800-832-1901 (Toll-Free) (Don’t need to want to/have to get out of the relationship to seek help)

Collection of helplines: 

https://www.domesticshelters.org/resources/national-global-organizations

https://www.stopitnow.org/ohc-content/crisis-hotlines

___

[longsightmyth]

do you have any recs for books (ya or adult) with strong female characters that aren’t mary sues and are like. well developed? idk but the lack of female characters that aren’t like alien (bitchy=strong) frustrates me sometimes and i want to read about strong females characters without those misused tropes and overall just blatantly incorrect? not sure exactly how to describe it but

WELP I had a post but tumblr mobile is the pits. Lemme try again.

Tamora Pierce! Always a good place to start for YA ladies being super cool in all sorts of ways. Your mileage may vary on a couple of aspects, but be assured that Tamora Pierce is a decent human being who, when she messes up, apologizes, promises to do better, and does so (The Song of the Lioness, much as I love it, does have some early installment weirdness, partly from being originally planned and written as one long adult fantasy novel)

Seanan McGuire is another author that works hard and it shows. I especially like October Daye, which suffers from Ongoing Story Syndrome occasionally but significantly less than other urban fantasy series. Be aware that October Daye is written for an adult audience, even if it handles sex and violence much more gracefully than some YA books I could mention.

The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms by NK Jemisin. Nonlinear narrative with Lady Revenge and a whole host of different societies. Hardcore examination of colonialism throughout the trilogy, even if I like the first best. Ignore the weird god sex scene, most of us do. Adult. I’ve heard the criticisms and acknowledge that they exist. It’s still one of my favorite books of all time.

All of the main characters in Anne Leckie’s Ancillary Justice and sequels use she/her pronouns due to language and society worldbuilding. Breq doesn’t seem to care either way except to figure out whether the planet she’s landing on uses the same conventions or others. Adult sci-fi the way sci-fi was supposed to be. Lots of moral questions and pondering of humanity. Examination of colonialism. Full disclosure: Ancillary Justice is another one of my favorite books of all time. As with The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms, criticism is understood but not comprehended.

The Winner’s Trilogy by Marie Rutkoski. Say what you will about the trilogy (and there is plenty that you can and should say) but Kestrel is still a badass guile heroine who takes the lumps she deserves with (mostly) good grace. Also, this series ruined what was left of my goodwill for YA ‘politics’ and ‘war’ because it showed me that Tamora Pierce didn’t have to be an outlier and YA COULD have intelligent politics and war commentary, some authors just choose not to do it. Naming no names or anything.

The Enchanted Forest Chronicles by Patricia C Wrede. While very white (I cannot off the top of my head think of any nonwhite characters? Ugh) it has lots of common-sensical women approaching fantasy tropes with a genre-savvy but not obnoxious eye. You melt magicians with soapy water and a dash of lemon juice. The witch doesn’t melt because she keeps her house spotlessly clean. Dragons choose their gender when they mature. Dragon King and Queen are two different jobs, and gender is irrelevant. Mendenbar approaches women with a jaundiced eye but Cimorene points out that he never actually has conversations with them, and it’s not like he’s disrespectful, he just wants to get his job done in peace and would appreciate it if his steward would stop presenting him with eligible ladies while he’s trying to do it. (it’s not without it’s flaws, obviously, but it retains its charm)(often they save the world by being polite and respectful)

The first two books of His Fair Assassin by Robin LeFevers. Be aware that though it’s YA the second book especially has lots of trigger warnings, but I personally thought everything handled pretty well. I do not suggest the third book.

I really love the Withlands series by Susan Dennard, who is another hardworking author who, when she messes up, apologizes and works to make it better. Also she gave me a queer princess whose angst does not lie with her queerness. YA and not finished yet.

This is by no means a comprehensive list, but I hope I helped!

[auti-things]

Hi, I’m sorry if this is a bit non sensical, but how do you think is the least bad way to deal with a big change? Or, how do prepare for it? (It is probable that I am autistic and same with my best friend although he shows more symptoms and has a harder time with things (for me it’s more the not understanding social structures and special interests but I’m not t h a t sensitive to sound) and so when he went on vacation with his family he s t r u g g l e d and it was bad and now (1/2)

(2/2) I am going to college and leaving (he still has high school because he is younger than me (we met at summer camp and also we figure skate at the same club) so he is not leaving but I am, and we are trying to find a way to cope. How do you work through changes you know are coming? Also, is there really a way to help with overload/shutdown over iMessage/FaceTime? Thank you so much and I’m sorry if this doesn’t make a ton of sense!! :D (your blog is great btw)

I personally find that the best way for me to deal with big change that I know is coming up is to talk about it a lot. I am a verbal processor, though, so talking about things almost always helps me move on and work through it. But yeah. Talking through fears/concerns/possible situations/what to expect/etc. Especially if it's with someone who's been through similar situations. Also researching any information about the change. Or if it's a place, going to visit it a few times before I actually go there by myself. All these things usually help me adjust to the change a bit better. However. There will be times when you're still gonna feel like the change is simultaneously slapping you in the face and kicking your butt. Understanding that that's a possibility (I'd venture to even say it's a likelyhood) can help you mentally prepare for that to happen and can help to make those difficult times a bit more expected/easier.

As far as preparing to be separated from a friend... sometimes making it more gradual can help. For example. You usually see your friend 3 times a week, maybe a month or so before you leave you drop it to 1-2 times a week. Then try going a week or so with only the online communications. Obviously say goodbyes in person, though. And then go ahead and try to plan times in the future that y'all can meet up again? That way y'all can have something to look forward to. Idk if making it gradual would help or hurt. But it's an idea to consider. On the other hand, y'all can hang out a TON and try to kind of get tired of being around each other so much. That way it'll seem more bittersweet to have to separate for a while. Again. I don't know what is best for y'all's friendship. These are just some ideal. But, moving away from a friend is hard. And being mentally prepared for it to be painful will probably be half the battle.

Now for helping overload/meltdown when you're not physically around. I feel like this will be a super personalized thing. So definitely talking with your friend and asking what would be helpful for him and then letting him know what would be helpful for you. Some ideas of what might be helpful: a phone call or skype call, sending memes or funny videos, sending pictures or videos related to a special interest, reminding of calming techniques and coping tools, distraction in general is usually helpful. I hope this answered your questions! Best of luck to you and your friend! (Also, thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoy my blog)

[jcmorgenstern]

serious question here: why does todd hate clary and jace so, so much. like, together and as individuals. because this whole mess is just another excuse to shit on clary and make jace look bad.

Honestly I can never quite tell what’s intentional on todden’s (todd and darren? new moffattiss? I wasnt even IN that fandom) part, but im not loving this in combination of the entirety of 3a where Clary was basically Jace’s emotion sponge. literally not even anything against clace just the writing.

readmore for salt and general bullshittery also rape mention

Like 3a just felt like an overdramatic “she’ll stick by him through EVERYTHING” male fantasy and now 3b feels like yet another overdramatic “his dream girl is being STOLEN will he SEEK REVENGE” male fantasy. and while i know that’s simplistic, probably kind of unfair, and totally reductive, that is a HUGE intended or unintended consequence of bonding jonathan and clary and letting a character who is canonically an attempted rapist mind-control the person he wants to rape so like ??????? genuinely i wonder what goes on in their discussions. like this series already has a reputation for being the “incest series” and they’re really not helping with that.

idk luke seemed to imply it would get toned down and jonathan would be more of an “annoying little brother” to clace but honestly i don’t see the “jace and clary act really non-sensically” trend to not continue. I was kind of hoping dark clary could just be some dumb power fantasy fun where she fucks shit up and she and jonathan chew scenery and make a big mess but so far we don’t even get that. and this has also relegated jace to nothing more than an occasional afterthought which totally has nothing to do with The Incident at all

[sanguinesprout]

Things and stuff... and things... and stuff... and things... .__. (some more thoughts and frustrations, talk about troubles and general feels)

Hmm.. I’ve put off writing again and forgotten things again... things lately have been... kind of bleh... melancholy and non-progressive. I’ve got the negative thinking hat on right now, I know. I wanna take it off though, it’s snug to the point my head hurts but it doesn’t seem to wanna budge yet so imma just roll with it a little while longer. Forgive me for my excessive and probably incorrect use of ellipses, it’s just really hard to find the words, I just smh to myself all the time whenever I try writing really.

Maybe I should make a twitter or something so I can briefly write my thoughts when I actually have them, I’ve thought about this quite a few times in the past. It seems kind of an effort though... my phone is busted and whipping out my pc whenever or writing on paper is kinda out of the question cause I’m much too cowardly and paranoid. I’ll save the thought for another time though (another time probably meaning never orz).

Everyday just feels... heavy and bleak. Like there’s rainclouds permanently hanging over my head even when it’s a sunny day and everyone outside is chirpy and happy. I’m so foggy and sickly feeling from the moment I wake to the moment I sleep. Everything’s so overwhelming, the thoughts, the senses, all in overdrive and concentration on anything is impossible. I can’t help but feel like don’t know what to do or what I’m even doing has a point and I’m spiralling into the sea of darkness again. I’m lost, so terribly lost, but I can see a small light in the distance. Although it’s far, if I keep going maybe I can still find my way back out. I won’t ever give up hope, even if I feel like there isn’t any at all a lot of the time. I just need to keep going..!

Hmm, okay, I've been tidying my room and pc some more lately. Came across my dyslexia reports (mentioned in one of my previous posts) which I’d been wanting to take another look at since it’s been years, so I did. I read through them both and the first thing I would have to say is that I’m an idiot. Not in the sense of anything related to the disorder or report itself or anything offensive, but in the fact that I disregarded and was negligent towards the diagnoses and advice. I don’t know why I’m so skeptical or maybe still in denial towards this, I think I’m still rather uniformed myself even though I have researched it quite a lot but keep forgetting or misinterpreting details. I feel unsure because like I said at other times, things relating to mental function overlap/can have multiple possible causes. It’s that ‘I don’t want to put all my eggs in one basket’ kind of feeling, if that makes sense. I don’t want things in general to become self fulfilling prophecies, because once my mind goes running, it really doesn’t want to come back.

Maybe because I’ve had these struggles all my life I just saw it as normal, as just how I am or something and so to casually dismiss it. Or maybe... it just feels like because maybe no one else around me took it seriously, that I then followed them and didn’t take it seriously either or was too scared to. Being told you’re lazy and slow and things like that all the time and finding out you have legitimate explanation or cause for these troubles, it should be a good sort of thing to know, act on and inform people of. But... instead I have the feeling that it sounds like just an excuse to everyone else, it’s just so easily misinterpreted and kind of difficult to comprehend, explain or believe I guess, idk... :<

The first report from college said I had mild dyslexia and the second more detailed report from uni said I had Dyslexia, ADD (is it called Inattentive ADHD nowadays?) and Irlen syndrome (will maybe write about another time). The Dyslexia mentioned in both was mostly relating to my processing and memory being meh I think. Even though I read them the other day I can’t remember the contents properly, lovely .__. ADD is actually a lot more than I thought it was... I googled it again recently and a lot of the symptoms are similar or overlap with those of AVPD and other things. I want to find an article to link it (though it’s not really necessary) or re-read the report again but even now my head hurts so bad and I just wanna go flop on the bed. I’m really struggling, the mental effort is so strenuous with everything little I do. Even the simplest things wear me out so much that I’m just getting so frustrated and exhausted over and over again. 

Some advice was to go to the doctor for medication to help with the ADD (which I obviously didn’t do). I’m wondering if I should try now, even though it’s been pretty long since the report was written, even though my parents will probably just shun the idea, even though I’m scared of side effects... If it helps, if it makes a difference, it could even be a life changer maybe, or even if it doesn’t help, I’ll never know unless I try... it’s tough... I need to research it some more.

I really badly want to get this post done because thinking about it for so many days (like every other post) has left me with so much anguish, but it’s so hard to formulate the words to express what I really want to say. I feel like I’ve set too much of a structure with my other posts and the general flow of the blog. Also like I’ve set up a certain standard for myself that I feel pressured to try and match every time. I’m just such a ridiculously troublesome and self sabotaging person ughhhh! No no, stop being so negative...! ><

I think I will keep it brief this time and re-visit and elaborate when I can think more clearly next time. Don’t be so hard on yourself, silly... Maybe I should just bullet point my thoughts and stuff so I’ll stop worrying about the structure and grammar and whatever, but I guess it might make less sense then... but when have my posts ever made sense lol... One of the things in one of my dyslexia reports said my writing sample was good but I played it safe with the topic and vocabulary and my paragraphing sucked hahaha. But with more practice, there is improvement. I mean my paragraphing is probably still pretty weird, and my punctuation, I do remember having trouble with it when I was little, but I think I have improved in the general writing department, I’m kind of proud-ish, yay!

Moving on from that subject, I’ve been feeling pretty sad and worried about my family... or well my parents in particular. It’s like... I know I have a very poor quality of life because of health and lack of social stuff, but so do my parents and they never speak about this (no surprise here), but I know about it and I really want to help but when I do they just brush it off or get annoyed... :/ They sacrifice so much of their health for work, and they work so I can live and leech off them pretty much :<

Ugh I’m too brain foggy and distracted... I need a break... :c ...Hmm okay, distracted myself for a bit, nao back to writing something... or not....

*A few days later* welp, uhh... still very groggy and very neck muscle/jaw tension wow. Per usual I forgot what I wanted to say even more lol. I don’t like writing negative/personal stuff about my parents, feels bad man x 10000 .__. I don’t like writing any of this stuff at all, but I can’t give up! Or well, I won’t give up! c: I went back and edited/added to the stuff I wrote, good! Now to continue!

Hmm... in relation my parents having not much concern over their well-being(?) uhh, let’s take the other day for example. I was just saying to my dad that he shouldn’t use expired stuff or things for purposes they’re not designed for or overwork and he got annoyed instantly as usual. I was saying it because I care for him and am worried about his health but I was finding it really hard to express this because of the language barrier. I still tried my best though and after quite a while remembered a certain phrase which is something like wishing or wanting someone to be healthy/have a healthy body. I remembered it because I just heard it a lot the past year and recently (probably a few months ago now) my dad’s bro phoned and said it to me and my dad. He actually wasn’t annoyed anymore after that, maybe because he caught on to what my intentions were or maybe just because he saw me looking upset idk (I got a bit teary but tried to keep looking down and stuff).

Something I also remember and have been wanting to mention, is that my uncle also said to me that same time while my dad was there (he was holding the phone on loudspeaker), that if there is anything troubling me, I shouldn’t hold it all in (my heart) because it’s no good for my health and should speak about it with my parents and stuff (...um maybe this would be possible in an alternate world, but it seems unlikely to work or happen here .__.). My dad’s bro is such a wonderful person and I’m really so thankful and glad my dad has been able to keep in contact with him lately, and to actually see him happy and stuff. I just wish I could’ve talked to him better myself but I froze up cause language barrier and avpd life ugh. That reminds me of another thing, I have relatives but they are all like strangers to me and there’s the language barrier again and it’s just hella awkward... it sucks :c 

I need to stop being such a weenie about everything. No, I say stop too much. I should cease and desist from being such a weenie. Hm... I need to cease and desist from putting myself down and beating my self up, unless it’s beating myself up with only positivity, if that is even possible. Haha that’s a thought... replacing the negative stuff with positive but keeping it in the same attacking tone of voice, it’s pretty amusing. Reminds me of those rap battles I saw on the internets which have complimenting instead of dissing lmao. The more sensical phrase would be to lift yourself up with positivity. Imma make sure to do this instead, lift myself up off my sad butt and get moving. Do you even lift bruh?Lololol :3

I’ve been kinda avoiding going out a bit more lately, I’m so self-conscious and it’s just been getting worse and worser, especially since I’m exposing myself to all these seemingly perfect people on places like Instagram. I can’t help but compare and feel inferior and just ugh. All these people I see are not afraid to like what they like or do and say what they want without feeling ashamed. I aspire to be like them, truly. Seeing that they like things I also like (that I feel stupidly ashamed of and just hide), think and say things similar or exactly on the point of what I would like to (but can never muster the courage to) and are still appreciated and liked is kind of eye opening and reassuring. It gives me hope that if I just really be myself someday, then it’ll actually be okay.

There’s a lot of stuff I wanted to write but kinda just slipped my mind as I focused on other bits, but this post is pretty darn long enough already anyways and my eyes and head are hurting. I guess it’s a good time to end the post and catch some Z’s. I’ll give myself a pat on my (sore aching granneh) back for managing to write even though I felt like I really couldn’t (and wanted to avoid doing so more) and to write out some things I thought I wouldn’t. I did it and I want to continue to get better at expressing and understanding myself! Go go silly me! ^^

Good night~!

[marbresauvage]

glittE/R // love festival event chatzy

with: enjolras & grantaire @la-vie-dure location: idk wherever the people-painting is happening during the event content warnings: talk of & imagery of death & violence, some anxiety and depression manifestations tl;dr: this was gonna be really cute with R painting enj with rainbows and glitter but they done fucked it up and now everybody’s emo about it and yET THEY STILL HAVEN’T PROPERLY ARGUED IT’S BEEN M O N T H S

Enjolras 's rainbow had rubbed off of his face, and so he approached the painting area thing, and was subsequently taken off guard, having not expected to see his boyfriend. "Oh. What're you doing here?" A pause. "Not that I'm not glad to see you, I just wasn't expecting...to see you..."

Grantaire had been concentrating on painting his own face and had not noticed Enjolras walking up to him until he heard his voice. He decided to continue painting his face, dipping his brush into the yellow paint to continue painting the pansexuality flag while glancing at Enjolras through the mirror. "Any reason to paint my face and body is a reason for me to join in with the fun, mon amour," he commented easily, his lips curling up into a smirk.

Enjolras cocked his head, approaching more before electing to simply put his arms around R's waist, pressing a kiss to his shoulder. "I'm glad you're getting into it. What are those colours for?"

Grantaire set the brush down for a short moment, leaning back against his boyfriend before turning his head to kiss him on the cheek. "Don't get used to it. I still don't believe that any of this is going to make a real change." His words were spoken softly, hoping that Enjolras would notice that he was not out for confrontation. Not today. "I have been told that these colors," he pointed at the pink and yellow that were already on his face and nodded down to the blue that was going to be added after, "represent something called pansexuality. Simply said it means I am attracted to whoever I am attracted to, no matter their gender, sex or identity." When he finished explaining, he shrugged and ducked his head slightly before picking his brush up again to continue his work.

Enjolras did not confront R today, choosing instead to exhale. They had their differences of opinion, even after all this time, but yelling at him wasn't the way to convince him he was wrong. So he didn't. Not today. "-- There's a word for that? Good. That's good. It's nice to know there's a word for things." Still with his arms wrapped around Grantaire's midriff, he watched him work.

Grantaire did not hide the surprise that he felt when Enjolras decided not to comment on what he said first. He rinsed the brush and dabbed it on a tissue to get rid of the excess of water before dipping the brush into the blue color, not at all being bothered by the fact that his boyfriend's arms were still wrapped around him. "It is interesting just how many new words there are," Grantaire replied, "But yes, it is nice to have a word to define you instead of having to explain it over and over again." He finished with the blue, cleaning the brush again from the color and setting it down before twisting around to face Enjolras. He still wasn't done with his face but that could wait. "Do you want anything painted on you?"

Enjolras continued to watch Grantaire work, pleased to be in this situation. "I'm glad that you've found your words, mon amour. It's one of the more pleasant things about this time." The question surprised him, though, because he'd actually managed to forget that he had a reason for coming in here. His eyes were wide. Like a deer. "Oh-- Right, that was why I came in here. It's difficult to be aggressively gay when your rainbow has removed itself from your face."

Grantaire smiled softly and nodded in agreement before his lips curled into a proper, amused grin. "Aggressively gay?" He repeated, amusement coloring his voice. "I can promise you that what I will paint, will not 'remove itself' from your face unless you want it gone." There wasn't a lot that Grantaire prided himself on but using the right body paint? That was one thing he knew. "Do you just want a flag on your cheek or anything else?" He asked while nodding over to the portfolio that was propped up on his table. "I can do any of these or anything else."

Enjolras nodded firmly. Aggressively gay. That was the aim, and the attainment. Yes. At the next question, however, Enjolras cocked his head, pausing and not looking at the portfolio, but not looking at Grantaire's eyes either. Perhaps...yes. Disengaging from the arms of his boyfriend, Enjolras untied the flag he wore as a cape, and removed his shirt deliberately, folding both and setting them down as he jutted his jaw and held his hands out splayed to his sides as he met and held Grantaire's gaze very Deliberately. "I trust you with this, implicitly, and am proud of you. So, I believe as it is frequently misquoted from a movie, paint me like one of your French boys."

Grantaire tilted his head slightly when Enjolras started taking off the flag. It made sense to take it off, Grantaire supposed - but before he could finish the thought process, he noticed that his boyfriend started to take off his shirt, too and that... well, alright, he could deal with that. His eyes had widened slightly and for a short moment, he let his gaze wander a bit before shaking his head slightly. Not only was this a public space but if the person in front of him would have been anybody else, he wouldn't let this happen either. He could do this. Clearing his throat, he just nodded - not trusting his voice - before turning around to gather his supplies. Mon dieu, he hoped that it wasn't apparent that his cheeks where flushed. Grabbing the brushes he planned to use, he turned back around to face Enjolras - and whilst doing so, he almost knocked the cup of water off the table. Sending a small, almost embarrassed smile Enjolras' direction, he let his eyes wander again - but this time, he was in full artist mode. Scanning the skin that was available to him, he froze when he noticed the scars on Enjolras' body. Eight of them. Scattered over his upper body. For a moment, Grantaire needed to close his eyes, knowing exactly what they were. Bullet holes. Ignoring the echoing sound of guns in his ears, he started to map out in his mind just how he would paint the canvas in front of him, trying not to pay too close attention to the scars. He hummed quietly, nodding to himself once an idea had formed. Grabbing his color palette and adding the rainbow colors on it. "I'm going to start with your face," he explained, his voice having slipped into a professional tone, "I am thinking of painting rainbows right here," he said, using a clean brush to softly indicate where he meant: just below Enjolras' eyes. Looking down at the colors on the palette and back to Enjolras' face, he hummed again. "Do you mind glitter?"

Enjolras stood still as he waited for Grantaire to decide what he would do, a little confused by the lack of actually saying anything, but then the contents of the cup almost went everywhere, and Enjolras offered a returning smile, exhaling with the knowledge that this was okay. Good. He knew where Grantaire's eyes were drawn to, but he kept his chin up as he nodded, regarding R with confidence. "That sounds good. I trust you with this. Implicitly. Also, I am very much in favour of glitter. It gets everywhere and is difficult to ignore."

Grantaire averted his eyes for a moment, not being able to look at Enjolras when he so openly put the trust in him. It was such a polar opposite of anything that he had been used to before... Grantaire shook his head again. This was not the time, today was a happy day. He could do happy. With a smirk on his lips, he winked at Enjolras, "So what you're saying is that glitter and you are one and the same." He teased before taking the glitter and adding it to the color on his palette. Once he was satisfied with the glitter/paint ration, he stepped closer to Enjolras. "If you could please look up while I'm painting, that would be a great help." He said, waiting for his boyfriend to do as he said.

Enjolras nodded in return, utterly unabashed. "-- Precisely. Glitter and I are very similar in personality. Thank you for noticing." He did as bade, turning his eyes skyward and holding still. Very still. He'd been compared to marble before, and now the comparison was apt indeed.

Grantaire shook his head and laughed softly. "You are one very strange man, mon chéri." While he spoke, he had dipped the brush into the blue glitter color and painted the first stripe from the eye down until just below the cheekbone before moving onto the other side, repeating the motion. "I might just start calling you Glitter from now on," Grantaire teased, not wanting to just stand in silence while he painted. Cleaning the brush, he moved onto the green color and adding the next stripe which was about an inch longer than the blue stripe. He continued painting the rainbows on Enjolras' face, the stripes painted on to create a slight downward curve on each cheek. Once he finished, he set the paint aside, rubbing his neck. "I'm not completely done yet but you can take a look into the mirror and let me know if you like what I've done so far?"

Enjolras smiled a little, but tried not to move his face too much, something which he was rather adept at, honestly. "At least Glitter is one of your more sensical nicknames, mon amour. I'll allow it." When instructed, Enjolras looked in the mirror, and nodded. "Yes. Yes. You're very good at this, R, I like it."

Grantaire ducked his head at the compliment. "I'm glad," he mumbled, not expecting Enjolras to hear the words. Taking a deep breath, he turned to face his boyfriend again. "How do you feel about color on your lips, my beloved Glitter?"

Enjolras tilted his head at the question, considering it. "-- I'm willing to try it. Like I said, I have every faith in you."

Grantaire swallowed down the insecurity that threatened to spill out of him and instead he focused on the task at hand - meaning, getting the lip colour ready. His boyfriend wanted to look Aggressively Gay, so Grantaire would help him. Switching the brush to a lip brush, Grantaire got the lip colors needed and the glitter ready to apply after. "Alright," he started, "could you please part your lips slightly?"

Enjolras did as bade, with a degree of Enjolraic Intensity™ that only he was capable of.

Grantaire felt the heat in his cheeks again and wetted his lip while he tried to concentrate on just applying the color instead of noticing just how intimate this felt.

Enjolras exhaled as his heart pounded, keeping his eyes on his boyfriend as he painted his lips.

Grantaire dug his teeth into his bottom lip in concentration as he finished applying the color. He ignored the growing urge to just lean forward and kiss Enjolras and instead sprinkled the glitter on the lips. Turning to get a tissue, he offered it to him. "This is to get excess color and glitter of the lips, you just need to shortly press your lips on it and it should be all set."

Enjolras looked at the tissue. Back at Grantaire. Instead of doing that, he simply pressed a chaste kiss to Grantaire's own lips in lieu of putting the tissue to his mouth. "How's that?"

Grantaire couldn't hide the small, pleased grin at the action. "I don't think it was enough pressure," he replied easily, the mischief clear in his eyes.

Enjolras smiled, and obliged, pressing a second, more confident, yet still chaste smooch to Grantaire's lips. "Better?"

Grantaire hummed and nodded. "If I was cheeky, I'd say no but I don't want you to lose all the color of your lips already." With only a short hesitation, he lifted his hand up to cup Enjolras' jaw and leaned over close enough so that their lips almost touched again. "So for now, I'll put a ban on more kisses." He stayed this close for another second, teasing, before pulling away to turn and get a bigger brush to get started on the upper body.

Enjolras blinked. Wait. What just happened? He was left with the distinct impression that his boyfriend was a very rude individual, and exhaled, clearing his throat and electing to say nothing in favour of folding his arms-- When he then realised that that wasn't a good course of action with the paint around and, frowning, he tried to figure out what to do with his hands while Grantaire worked. "Hm," quoth he, eloquent as ever and with pink cheeks. The fuck was he meant to do with his hands if he couldn't put them in folded arms? Uh. For now he'd settle for clasping them behind his back, holding still save for some mild fidgeting. Okay. Okay, this was fine. This was doable. Damnit, who'd've thought that asking his boyfriend to paint him would lead to flusteredness?

Grantaire hadn't noticed any of the inner turmoil of his boyfriend and had instead switched his color palette out for small tubs instead - as he needed them for the rest of the painting. When he turned to look at Enjolras again, he couldn't help but smirk at the blush that was clearly visible underneath the paint. So he wasn't the only one affected by this. Good. "Let's do this," Grantaire said, more to himself, as he stepped close to Enjolras again. "This might take a bit of time," he said honestly, "but I can promise you, you'll definitely look like a walking rainbow flag when I'm done."

Enjolras nodded, but did shift a little, moving his fingertips around his hands in smooth motions. "Okay. Nothing on my sides, though, I won't move but I can't promise that if you touch my sides. So, unless you want me to mess up your work, do not touch my sides, okay?"

Grantaire nodded and filed the information away for later, in case he needed it for teasing. "Nothing on your sensible sides, got it." And with that, he started working with the slightly more liquified colors to create a look of the colors running down Enjolras' body. Grantaire hoped for the end product to look like melted colors swirling together to make Enjolras' front look like a storm of rainbow color. Working on the body, he hadn't quite paid attention as to where exactly he put the globs of liquid color for it to run down his boyfriend's chest but when he stepped back to get more color, he realized that he had used the scars as starting points. To anyone who didn't know that Enjolras had scars there - and even more important what those scars were - it wouldn't be too obvious but to him it looked like wherever a bullet had pierced his love's skin, a different color of the rainbow had been bleeding out. It was morbidly beautiful and haunting.

Enjolras Knew. He knew the locations of his scars like the back of his hand, knew precisely where he'd been shot and how many times and how it had felt. So...yeah. He knew what Grantaire was doing, even if he didn't, and his hands tightened around each other as he turned his eyes skyward once more. It felt nice to be painted on. It did. But suddenly he couldn't help but feel excruciatingly vulnerable here and now.

Grantaire noticed the slight tension in Enjolras, so he decided to finish it up as quickly as possible and once he was done, he leaned forward to place a quick kiss on Enjolras' cheek - just below the rainbow painting. "Only your back is left now, mon ange. Do you have more patience or do you want to just leave it at this?" If he was being honest, he was nervous as to what Enjolras would say. While the painting had not been intentional, he was worried that he might've crossed a line that he shouldn't have touched by a mile.

Enjolras leaned into the cheek kiss, brief as it was, and closed his eyes, his brows slightly furrowed as he thought about it. "I am not a patient person, R...but stillness, I can do." A nod, and he turned around, now clasping his hands in front of himself, though his shoulders were tense. "I trust you."

Grantaire cleared his throat to cover up that his breath hitched. Just how many times would Enjolras tell him that he trusted him? And just how many more times would it take for him not to feel overwhelmed at the thought alone? "I won't betray your trust," Grantaire replied quietly, switching back to the color palette. "After all, you are the only one I believe in. This is something that has not changed." With that, he started to paint on the back - this time using black first as an outline. The plan was to paint rainbow colored wings that covered half of Enjolras' back - to make him look like an avenging angel. Which was something that he would not say out loud.

Enjolras 's frown did not dissipate as Grantaire worked. "I..." an exhale. "I still think that you should believe in yourself more than you believe in me."

Grantaire surprisingly did not stop painting and just kept going, finishing the outline. "There is no reason for me to believe in myself," he said casually, shrugging slightly before stepping away to clean the brush and give the outline some drying time before he continued. "But you should not focus on what I believe in or not, mon amour. There are more important things that need your attention, I'm sure."

Enjolras turned when Grantaire dismissed what needed his attention, still frowning, and strode over, fixing him with an Enjolraic Expression. "Grantaire. You do not get to decide what it is that I choose to have my attention on. I care for you. It is a different way of caring than the sort involving fundraising and fighting, but I care for you nonetheless. Yes, I believe in you. But I also try to believe in myself, because if I don't, then why would I keep going? I love you, I am willing to go to jail with you, but you cannot make me the only one that you believe in. It isn't fair to either of us. We don't have to talk about this, but...please...at least think about it."

Grantaire stoically avoided looking at Enjolras when he came over. Right now, he almost wished that they would've gotten into an argument earlier. That would've been more pleasant than... this. Despite him trying, he couldn't completely fight off the self-deprecating laugh. "You're right, we don't have to talk about this." Was all he said. Because talking about how he viewed himself? That was something so far down on his list of priorities. "Can you please turn around again?" He asked, feeling relieved that he could hide behind Enjolras' back and his painting.

Enjolras swallowed. Yeah. He'd fucked up. So, he did as bade, and turned around, biting the inside of his lip and clasped his hands in front of himself again, pushing his thumb over his knuckles rhythmically.

Grantaire sighed softly as he got back to painting. He carefully filled out every single feather in a different color, ensuring that it looked just like he had imagined. After a minute of silence, he started to feel uncomfortable. Silence was something that he did not prefer. "Tell me about your plans for the day?" He asked, quietly, carefully.

Enjolras stood. Not expecting to be Engaged again, he turned his head to the side at the question, not enough to look at him, but enough to clearly have reacted to it. Slowly, and still pushing at his knuckles, he responded with careful words; "I have a petition. It's...to indicate public support for a more directed and applicable support system for LGBTQ youth in the area who do not have the ability to openly get the help that they need. I'm getting signatures. It's not a lot, but...it's a start. What about you?"

Grantaire hummed to acknowledge that he had heard. It didn't come as a surprise that Enjolras had found another cause that he believed in. That was something that would probably never change about him and - Grantaire wouldn't want to have him any other way but... "A petition? There surely must be another way. The higher-ups couldn't care less about a piece of paper with names on them. They'll have a laugh and toss the paper into the bin." Grantaire shrugged just as he finished up coloring the wings in. "I'm probably just going to stay here all day and go for some drinks tonight."

Enjolras didn't know what he'd expected. Hurt bubbled hot in his chest beneath the bullet scars, his jaw clenching, but he forced it down, forced himself not to argue with Grantaire on this. Not today. Instead he waited for the ministrations on his back to be done, and he scooped up the flag and shirt that he'd set down, tying the shirt into his belt loop and clutching the flag in his hands. Only then, safe with a flag-shaped barrier in his hands did he turn, and meet Grantaire's gaze. "The other way is with blood, Grantaire. I have to try, and...if it fails, I'll try again. And I'll keep trying. You know this. I'm not asking you to do the same. I'm just asking you to respect that this is something I have to do. So please, don't shit on my decisions. I try not to shit on yours. Thank you for the paint, it's beautiful. I'll see you later, Grantaire. Remember to hydrate yourself." And turning once more, exit stage right.

Grantaire flopped down on a chair when Enjolras had left, hiding his face in his hands. Letting out a groan, he decided that, yes, he needed a drink. Or five. Marie would probably indulge him in the beginning and once she'd cut him off, well, he knew of this other place. He couldn't remember if he had flinched when Enjolras had mentioned the 'other way'. After everything he had foolishly hoped that Enjolras wouldn't be willing to throw himself into the crossfire again. He should've known. And he knew that if it got this far? He'd be right beside him again.

[idreamofinsanity]

Dream: The Bizarre Book of Beauty and the Beast

I dreamt that I began to read a sort of “modernized fantasy version” of The Beauty and the Beast.

For those of you who don’t know, usually when I dream about being the audience of a story medium, the dream shifts to being THAT story. If I watch a show or movie, the dream shifts to that like the dream is now that story; until the end, that is, then I’m back outside the story again. 

(And once again, I’m not sure about the events, but I always try to present them in as sensical of a story as possible.)

The book starts out with the Beauty, who’s apparently some kind of tech savy lady. This guy shows up (he didn’t have a name, but we’ll call him Gaston because he seems pretty close to that), begging the Beauty to help him. I think he was in the middle of a trial for taking drugs, which led him to impulsively take METH on top of the other stuff, and then he did some stupid things and was going to get locked away for a long time. I feel like maybe there’d been something romantic between the two of them, too, but I’m not sure. The Beauty eventually agrees and hacks into some kind of federal database, erasing evidence of his crimes. The lack of logged evidence causes him to go free, and he’s all fine.

The Beauty, however, gets caught for HER illegal activities, and there’s this big trial, and she’s basically definitely going to get thrown in jail.

UNTIL she’s given the option of either going to jail or staying under house arrest in the Enchanted Palace, where the Beast has reached out a personal invite to her. Because apparently that’s an option when you get arrested (I’m not WHY this was seen as a legal repercussion--maybe he was still a legitimate monarchical power?). 

Anyway, she decides to accept the alternative of a house arrest over prison because honestly, why wouldn’t you?

She gets to the Enchanted Palace, and it’s honestly more of a mansion kind, like the Palace of Versailles. She gets a lovely ankle bracelet (the police tracking kind), and is told she can’t leave, or it’s straight to prison for her. She goes inside, and a lot of the furniture is actually enchanted people, like in the movie, and everything is magical.

Then she meets the Beast.

And honestly he’s, like, a perfect gentleman. 

I think what’s up here is that there was an enchantment and all, but his parents, the Queen and King, were actually smart about it, and kept getting women to volunteer and stay with their son whose curse could only be broken by true love. At first they tried to get nobility, but the girls either ran off scared, or pretended to like him in hopes of securing a royal marriage after the spell broke. He’d turn away the latter because after they’d be like, “Oh, of course I love you!” and he didn’t turn back, he’d realize that it wasn’t true. 

So he started doing his own idea, looking into women who would also benefit from an arrangement of staying with him, but who’d done something self-sacrificing. Like, say, a woman who was about to go to prison because she saved someone she knew from having to go to prison.

The Beauty gets to become friends with the Beast over time. There’s also this... extra stuff in the dream that I’ve had a hard time figuring out how it fits together. I think there were some kind of sub levels to the Palace, and at the bottom there was an actually terrifying monster. I remember there was some kind of nobility meeting, and they came to the house. One of the ladies began to wander off and the Beauty followed after her. The lady eventually came to this... big metal... gong? plate? Idk. It floated up, and the Beauty asked what was going on. The lady turned and said, “It’s... speaking to me. It keeps saying my name. I think... I think it’s mine.” Then the metal thing shot out these... tendrils... and just... grabbed her. She yelled in surprised, then the thing just dragged her in. It zipped off, and the Beauty ran after it, going deeper down. She got to a point where she found this space, and in it was a crazy dragon-serpent thing that (I think?) absorbed the plate. 

The Beauty eventually escaped the room (maybe with the Beast’s help?). I think that the dragon creature was supposed to be the reason for the enchantment, but I’m not sure. 

Then there was something kind of incoherent about a spaceship going into orbit. I don’t know, but I think it might have related to something that happened not long after. In The Beauty and the Beast, the Beast always lets the Beauty go home, and something like that happens in the dream.

Only this time, it’s time travel that allows her to go back.

The Beast does something (maybe to do with the who space part?), and it allows her to travel back in time to when she made the decision to help Gaston. 

When she gets back, Gaston is just getting there. He tries to beg her to help him.

“You have to face the consequences of your own actions,” she tells him.

“Why are you doing this? Don’t you care about me?” he asks.

She gently turns his face to her.

“Of course I do, but you need to learn that your actions have consequences, and I’m not going to take your place.”

“What do you mean? I know what I did was stupid, and I won’t do it again. If you do this, I’ll get out of jail, and nothing would even happen to you.”

“Of course it will. I’d get arrested for erasing the information. Do you want me to go to jail for helping you?”

“No, but you won’t get caught!”

“Yes, I will.”

“How would you even know that? It’s not that big of a risk.”

“I just do, and yes it is...”

Eventually Gaston gives up and leaves in anger. 

The Beauty then decides she has to get back to the Enchanted Palace and see the Beast again. 

So, my dream ended here, but thanks to something I did earlier in the dream, I know a little something. As I was reading (probably around when the Beauty first starts exploring the Palace) I skipped ahead in the book. What I’d read hadn’t made sense then, but it eventually did.

It was after the Beauty got back to the Palace. She thought for sure that the Beast wouldn’t remember her, but it turns out that he had also time-traveled back as well, so he remembered her.