#i hope it doesn't suck

[sonchus-arvensis]

so brainrotten about her

[hehehereliesmysanity]

fuck, we forgot about the shirts (E)

“You still love me? After all the things I told you tonight?” Simon asks, voice shaky, tears running down his cheek.

Wille comes closer to face him and wipes the tears away with his thumbs. He keeps his hands there with a small, hopeful smile. “Do you think I love you so little that hearing you say a few mean things to me would make a difference?”

“Fuck you!” Simon shouts but it sounds like a cry, vulnerable and unguarded. All kinds of emotions are already playing out on his face, and he looks surprised, confused, and scared but elated and hopeful that Wille is going to love him for the rest of his life.

“Do it, you coward.”

the hallway scene and much more.

[draganwhorror]

May I Have This Dance?

Note: This is my attempt at a cute, fluffy "first date" fic involving James from Failure! and an OC. I hope it doesn't suck. 🫣

Also, I'm dedicating this fic to @elklounge. I hope you like it!

Inspo gif:

Elle sighed as she pulled her car into a parking spot at the grocery store. She’d finally finished getting herself settled in her new apartment, and now it was time to stock up on the things she needed (and wanted) so she wouldn’t have to rely on takeout anymore.

Shutting the car off, she got out and closed the door, locking it with her key fob. Entering through the automatic doors, she grabbed a cart and made her way into the store, deciding to start over in the produce section. Elle told herself she’d work her way through the aisles, go check out, and head back home. Then she could relax for the rest of the day.

Maybe I’ll order a pizza so I don’t have to cook anything.

Elle placed a variety of fruits and veggies in her cart, feeling a strange sense of accomplishment. After her awful breakup, moving to a new city had felt like the right choice, even if it had been a bit…stressful. But now, here she was, adulting like a pro…or something like that.

She left the produce section and made her way to the snack aisle, grabbing a bag of pretzels. Once they were placed in her cart, she wandered through the rest of the store, picking out things she thought she might need along with things she absolutely wanted.

As she was finishing up in the frozen section, Elle decided to be a little indulgent and get herself a pint of ice cream. She paused in front of the freezer, eyeing her choices. There were so many flavors! After a moment of indecision, Elle opened the door and grabbed a pint of vanilla fudge swirl, figuring she couldn’t go wrong with something simple.

She placed the pint in her cart and turned, ready to head to the checkout. But she hadn’t anticipated that someone would be coming up behind her, and she bumped into whoever it was, a small squeak of surprise falling from her lips.

“Oh, excuse me,” a man’s voice said, his tone apologetic.

Elle blushed as she looked at the man, taking in his appearance. He was tall and had dark brown hair with a hint of gray on the sides. His eyes were also a very dark brown, and she found herself wanting to get lost in them. Oddly enough, he was also wearing a suit. She’d never seen anyone grocery shopping in a suit.

“Oh, um, sorry,” she said, pulling her gaze away from the man. “I wasn’t paying attention.”

The man chuckled, his eyes crinkling at the corners. "No worries. I wasn’t looking where I was going either. Too busy focusing on finding the perfect ice cream flavor.”

Elle glanced at the freezer behind her, then returned her attention back to the handsome stranger. "Uh, what flavor are you looking for?”

He grinned, running a hand through his hair. "Well, I was hoping to find something with chocolate and peanut butter. It's been one of those days.”

"Bad day at work?" Elle asked, gesturing to his clothing. She immediately regretted drawing attention to it, feeling her cheeks warming as he glanced down, as if just now realizing what he was wearing.

The man’s face fell for just a second before a smile replaced his frown. "Oh, yeah… You could say that. I'm James, by the way."

"Elle," she replied, offering him a return smile.

James's eyes landed on her lips before moving away, his gaze going to her cart. "I see you've already found your flavor of choice."

Elle glanced at her vanilla fudge swirl, suddenly feeling a bit boring. "Um, yeah. I couldn’t decide, so I went with something basic."

"Nothing wrong with that," James replied, reaching past her to open the freezer. His arm brushed against hers, sending a tiny shudder through her. "Are you new to the area?”

"Is it that obvious?" Elle asked self-consciously.

“Let’s just say I remember venturing out on my own as a young man…”

He seemed wistful, and Elle wondered what that was all about. She didn’t want to pry, though, so instead, she blurted out, “I, uh, just got out of a relationship. Together for about…three years, but things ended badly and… I just needed a change.”

Stupid! Why did you just say that?

James nodded. “Understandable.

He pulled out a pint of chocolate peanut butter swirl and held it up with a grin. "Success! This is exactly what I was looking for. Hopefully it will help me forget what a crappy day I had today."

Elle couldn't help but be charmed by his excitement over ice cream. "Good choice. I hope it does help. Maybe I’ll try that one next time."

"You should," James said, his eyes lighting up. "Life's too short for boring ice cream flavors."

Elle laughed, surprised by how easy it was to talk to a man she’d just met. "You’re right. Life is too short."

They both stood there for a moment, neither one knowing what else to say now. Finally, James cleared his throat. "Well, I should probably...go check out. It was nice meeting you, Elle."

"Nice meeting you, James," Elle responded, feeling strangely disappointed as he turned and started to walk away.

She watched him go, wondering if she would see him again. A sudden urge to do something bold came over her, and as he started to turn the corner out of the aisle, she called out, “James?"

He paused, turning around to look back at her with a curious expression on his face.

"Um, do you happen to know of any good pizza places around here?" Elle asked. "Since I’m new to the area and all, I, uh, I thought you might know where I could get a slice or two."

James made his way back over to Elle, his ice cream clearly forgotten for the moment. "You know…" He trailed off, seemingly in thought. “Why don’t I take you to dinner? I promise I’ll be a perfect gentleman, and we can…get to know one another a little better? I can even give you some suggestions for places around town that are worth visiting.”

Elle bit her lip, her mind racing with various reasons to turn him down.

He’s a stranger. You don’t know him. You just met. What if he’s actually a serial killer?

Something about his smile and his kind eyes made her want to take a chance, though. Isn’t everyone a stranger until you get to know them better?

"That...sounds really nice," she found herself saying. "But I should probably check out first."

James glanced at her cart of groceries and gave her a nod. “Of course. How about we both pay for our things and… Would you like to exchange numbers?”

Elle fumbled for her phone in her pocket. “That would be great.”

They exchanged numbers, and as they both made their way to the checkout, she felt…excited. Maybe moving to a new city to start over hadn’t been such a bad idea after all. Sure, James was a little bit older than her, but that didn’t matter to her. After paying for her groceries, Elle waited by the store entrance for James to finish. She watched as he chatted with the cashier, his smiling lighting up his whole face. When he joined her, his eyes crinkled with happiness.

“So,” James said, holding up his lone bag with the container of ice cream in it. “What do you say we drop our things off and meet up in an hour? I know a great little place not far from here.”

“That sounds perfect,” Elle replied, surprised by how eager she felt. “Should I meet you there?”

“If you’d feel more comfortable, I can text you the address, and you can meet me there when you’re ready.”

“Great,” Elle said, feeling both relieved and slightly disappointed. It would have been nice to have him pick her up, but she knew he was trying to be kind by offering her a chance to do things on her own terms.

“So… I’ll see you in an hour then?”

James offered her a smile. “Absolutely. I’m looking forward to it.”

He wandered off to wherever his car was parked, and Elle got her groceries settled in the trunk of her car before she started the trek back home. She couldn’t seem to stop thinking about James. He was handsome, and he seemed quite nice and charming, but a small part of her still wondered if she was taking too much of a risk by meeting up with an older man for dinner.

Shaking that thought out of her head, Elle parked and gathered her bags of groceries, lugging them into her apartment. Once she got them all put away, she made her way into her bedroom, suddenly worried about what to wear. Would the restaurant be more casual or somewhat dressy?

Before she could let herself get too stressed out, her phone buzzed with a text. Elle glanced at her phone, reading it, and felt a sense of relief wash over her.

Looking forward to seeing you soon! Here’s the address: 722 N Main St. The place does have a dress code. I hope that’s okay. Wear something nice for me?

Elle blushed, but she couldn’t help the grin that spread across her face. She opened her closet and pushed aside her more casual clothes, finding the small handful of dresses she kept on hand…just in case.

Pulling out a simple sleeveless black dress that landed at her knees, she decided to pair it with her flat wedge heels with the ankle straps.

Glancing at the time on her phone, Elle realized she had about 45 minutes to get ready and get to the restaurant to meet up with James. She felt butterflies fluttering in her stomach as she got herself ready. She slipped into the dress, made an effort to do something nice with her hair, and applied some light makeup. As she put her shoes on and went to grab her bag, Elle paused to take a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves. She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt this excited about a date. Was it even a date? She shook her head, not wanting to overthink things. She just wanted to enjoy herself tonight.

Grabbing her keys and purse, she headed out the door, locking up behind her. She plugged the address into her GPS, not wanting to worry about getting lost, and made the short drive to the restaurant.

Elle arrived with a few minutes to spare, so she parked her car and took another deep breath before getting out.

As she approached the entrance, she spotted James waiting outside. He was still in a suit, but this one looked slightly different. Elle's heart fluttered when his eyes met hers, and a warm smile spread across his face.

"Elle, you look lovely."

She felt her cheeks warm at the compliment. "Thank you. You look nice too."

James chuckled. “It’s not the same suit I wore to work and the grocery store. I did change, I promise.”

He offered her his arm. "Shall we?"

They entered the restaurant, and Elle was surprised by how cozy and intimate it seemed. Soft music played in the background, and the lighting was low and warm. A maître d' greeted them and led them to a corner table.

Once they were seated, James leaned in slightly. "I hope this place is okay. I wanted to take you somewhere nice, but I wasn’t sure if it would be too much too soon."

"It's perfect," Elle told him, glancing around. "I've never been anywhere quite like this before."

James looked relieved at her response. “I’m glad you like it. I come here sometimes when I want to treat myself.”

Elle picked up her menu, her eyes widening at the selection. Everything sounded delicious, but the prices… This place was way more expensive than she’d anticipated.

James must have noticed her apprehension. “Order whatever you’d like. It’s my treat.”

“Oh, no, you don’t have to—” Elle started to protest, but James cut her off. “I insist. Consider it a welcome to the neighborhood dinner.

Elle felt herself relax a little. "Oh, well, thank you. That's very kind of you."

They spent a few minutes looking over the menu, and when the waiter came to take their order and bring them some wine, Elle decided on the salmon while James opted for the filet mignon.

As they waited for their meals, they eased into conversation, and Elle found herself opening up about her past relationship and her new job working for a graphic design firm. James was a good listener, but Elle realized after a moment that she’d been prattling on about herself and felt bad.

"What about you?" she asked, wanting to get to know more about him too. "You mentioned having a bad day at work. What do you do?"

A shadow passed over James's face, but it was gone so quickly Elle thought she’d imagined it.

“I…manage a factory. Plastics.”

There was a subtle change in his demeanor as he told her what he did, and Elle wondered if she'd touched on a sensitive subject.

"Oh, that sounds...interesting," she said, trying to keep the conversation light. "Is that what you've always wanted to do?"

James scoffed and shook his head. "Not exactly."

Elle shifted awkwardly in her seat, trying to decide if she should change the subject when James took a sip of wine and continued on, as though he’d finally gathered his thoughts and needed to get them out.

"Life has a way of taking unexpected turns. My father owned the factory. When he got sick, I stepped in to help out temporarily. But then he passed away, and I felt…obligated to keep the business running. It's been...challenging, to say the least."

Elle reached across the table and placed her hand on his. "I'm sorry about your father. That must have been really difficult."

James looked surprised by her touch, but he didn't pull his hand away. "Thank you. It was tough, but I've managed. Some days are better than others."

Their food arrived at that moment, interrupting their conversation. As they began to eat, Elle couldn't help but feel drawn to James. There was something about him that intrigued her. He presented himself as a successful businessman, and she knew he probably was, but beneath all that—the man he was at his core—seemed almost…forlorn.

Their conversation turned to lighter subjects while they ate their food. Elle found herself laughing occasionally when James made a witty comment, and she was surprised by how comfortable she felt being around him, considering they’d only just met. Unable to resist any longer, she let her curiosity get the best of her.

“So…if you hadn’t taken over the factory, what would you have wanted to do instead?” she asked, turning the subject back to work. “Was there a career path you would have preferred to take?”

James sighed, setting his fork down. “I used to want to…be a writer. A novelist. I would jot down scenes in a notebook whenever I had a free moment at the factory. But nothing ever worked out. Now, my notebooks just collect dust.”

Elle looked at him, surprised by his admission. "A writer? That's really neat. Have you ever thought about picking it up again?"

James shrugged, a wistful smile on his lips. "Sometimes. But running the factory takes up most of my time.” He sighed. “I'm not sure I have it in me anymore."

"I bet you do," Elle said, reaching across the table to take his hand and give it a squeeze. "Maybe you just need some inspiration."

James gazed down at their entwined hands. "Maybe. Or maybe I just need someone to believe in me for once."

He looked up, and their eyes met across the table. Elle felt a spark—almost like lightning—pass between them. She cleared her throat, suddenly feeling flustered. "Well…” she began. “I know I just met you, but… I believe in you. For what it's worth."

"It's worth a lot," James said softly. "Thank you, Elle."

They finished their meal, chatting about random things, and as the waiter came to clear their plates, James ordered them each a slice of chocolate cake for dessert.

"I hope you don't mind," he said. "But their chocolate cake is to die for. I couldn't let you leave without trying it."

Elle grinned. "I will never say no to chocolate cake."

When their dessert arrived, Elle took a bite and let out a small moan of pleasure. "Oh, wow, this is amazing!"

James laughed. "I told you. It's my favorite thing on the menu."

As they enjoyed their cake, Elle found herself stealing glances at James. Even though he was older, she couldn’t help but feel drawn to him. His enthusiasm as he talked about some of his favorite spots around the city made her wonder if the hopeful younger man he’d been before his father died and work obligations had taken over was still trapped somewhere deep down inside, just waiting to be released.

"You know," Elle said, setting down her fork. "I'm really glad I bumped into you at the grocery store today."

James smiled at her. "Me too. I’m almost glad I had a terrible day at work today. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have gone to the store for some ice cream to indulge in, and I never would have met you."

They lingered at the table, sipping their wine, neither seeming eager for the evening to end. When the check came, James insisted on paying despite Elle's protests.

"Next time, you can treat," he said with a wink that made Elle's heart skip a beat. “Now… how about a dance to commemorate our first date?”

Elle blushed. “I, uh… I don’t dance.”

James just chuckled. "Everyone can dance. You just need the right partner."

He stood up and offered his hand to Elle. She shook her head, feeling nervous about making a fool of herself in front of this sweet, charming man.

James pouted, then began waltzing by himself between the tables. He had a natural grace, and even though she didn’t trust herself not to stumble or step on his toes, the desire to be in his arms, swaying along with him, had her standing and moving towards him.

James saw her coming and grinned. He held out his hand again, and she placed her hand in his and allowed him to lead her to a small dance floor near the back of the restaurant.

A slow song began to play. James pulled Elle close, placing one hand on her waist while holding her other hand in his. Elle's heartbeat thundered in her ears as she rested her free hand on his shoulder.

"Don’t be nervous. Just follow my lead," James murmured, beginning to sway gently to the music.

Elle stumbled a little, her feet feeling clumsy and uncoordinated, but James was patient, guiding her with the hand on her waist. After a moment, Elle felt herself relaxing, letting the music take over as they moved together.

"See?" James said softly. "You're a natural."

Elle laughed, her cheeks pink. "I think you're just a good teacher."

As they continued to dance, Elle found herself getting lost in James's eyes. Even though they’d only just met, there was something about him that made her feel… well, she wasn’t sure what she was feeling yet, but she liked it. Everything around them seemed to fade away, the two of them wrapped up in their own little bubble.

When the song ended, they stayed in each other’s arms for a moment, neither wanting to be the first to move away.

Eventually, Elle took a step back, her cheeks flushed. "Thank you for the dance," she said shyly. "And for dinner. I had a wonderful time tonight."

James gazed at her, a small smile on his lips. "The pleasure was all mine. I'm glad you enjoyed yourself."

They made their way out of the restaurant, James placing his hand on the small of Elle's back as they walked. The cool night air hit them as they stepped outside, and Elle shivered slightly.

"Here," James said, shrugging off his suit jacket and draping it over her shoulders.

"Oh, no, I'm okay. You don't—" Elle tried to brush him off, but James shook his head.

"I insist. I wouldn't want you to catch a chill."

Elle pulled the jacket tighter around herself, inhaling the subtle scent of his cologne. "Thank you," she murmured.

They stood there on the sidewalk for a moment, just looking at one another, and then James cleared his throat. "Can I walk you to your car?"

Elle nodded, and they set off across the parking lot. When they reached her car, she turned to face him, sliding his suit jacket off and handing it back. "I guess this is goodnight," she said, trying to keep the disappointment out of her voice.

James took the jacket, his fingers brushing against hers. "I suppose it is," he replied. "But I hope it's not goodbye."

Elle's heart fluttered. "I'd like that.”

James leaned in, hesitating for a second before pressing a gentle kiss to her lips. Elle’s eyes widened and then closed, and she kissed him back.

When they finally pulled away, Elle felt a bit breathless, her lips tingling.

“I hope that wasn’t too forward of me,” James said, looking embarrassed.

Elle shook her head. “No. No, definitely not. It was… It was really nice.”

James grinned, looking relieved. “Good. I’m glad. I’ve been wanting to do that all evening.”

Elle blushed and ducked her head. “I’m glad you did.”

He took a step back as she fumbled in her bag for her keys. “Can I see you again this weekend? Maybe we could…go for a walk around town? Grab a coffee?”

Elle’s heart skipped a beat as she glanced up at James, her keys almost falling from her fingers. “Oh, um, yes. Yes, I’d like that very much.”

James nodded, watching as she unlocked her car. Before she could get in, he gently pulled her closer and kissed her again, his lips soft against hers.

“Drive safe,” he murmured when he pulled away.

Flustered, Elle nodded and slid behind the wheel. As she went to close the door, James called out, “Thank you for taking a chance on me this evening. I’m looking forward to seeing you again.”

Butterflies took flight in her belly as she smiled softly at him. “I’ll see you this weekend. Goodnight, James.”

He gave her a little wave as he watched her drive away. “Goodnight, Elle.”

[celestiachan]

wild life finale, monument valley 3, and ava11 all within the same month

im going to implode

[coldercreation]

New Snippet up!

Show Me (Tell Me) | Kit-Nat | Words: 11,072 (E)

[lureithleon]

um, so I wrote fic:

For Requests:

Stolas/Friendship

Maybe starting a book club with Millie, or going to a musical with Moxxie, or shopping with Fizzy, or even just being birbs with Ozzie?

I just need my boy to have a friend 🥺

NO WAIT MILLIE AND STOLAS IN A BOOK CLUB WOULD BE SO CUTE AAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Not that Moxxie or Ozzie with Stolas wouldn't be cute but talk about unlikely friends.

How can I pass this up?

[heartsofminds]

i'm calling just to hear you scream - part i

"She’s tried to be positive. She’s tried to be kind. She’s trying to be the peacekeeper, but all of that falls out the window when her brother is bitching out everything that fucking blinks and breathes and Richie has slung a sledgehammer into the wrong wall that needed to be knocked down." or Natalie gets fed the fuck up and hires a hospitality attorney before everything else turns to shit. 

a/n: i couldn't help myself at all and had to bite by trying my hand at writing for carmy! what can i say? i love men with trauma that need to be cuddled like newborns! please enjoy the beginning of enemies to lovers to enemies back to lovers fic with a workaholic chef and an overly empathetic attorney. angst is my brand! i hope you enjoy!

Being the peacekeeper of your family is never something anyone ever sets out to be. 

One day you’re normal and live blissfully with the rose-colored lenses of naivety tinting life shades of bashful blush and magnetic magenta. The next day you’re diffusing a spitfire scarlett dispute between your anxiety-ridden mother and impulsively crude older brother while simultaneously taming the balloon of battered blue tears your baby brother sheds who observes from the corner; scared yet somehow unaware of the emotions sucking the oxygen out of everyone. 

At first, it feels good. It feels nice to be appreciated and turned to in moments of darkness. Helpfulness defines your livelihood and gives you the nameplate of the gold star child who can never do any wrong and always finds a solution. But then you realize that is what you ever really are, and you’re both hated for your inability to let things sour and for always having an answer despite uncertainty plaguing every course of action. 

Being the peacekeeper of your family is both a Medal of Honor, worn with pride and graciousness, yet a bullet wound wielded by shame and agony. The tenderness and hurt push on it until you can hardly stand it; half expecting pus to be seeping out in pale yellow heaps because the pain feels so real. 

There are no exit wounds. There are no breaks. There is no humanity or personal identity or room for self-discovery. 

A peacemaker is all you will be and all you will ever accomplish, and you’ll never say it out loud but it’s fucking exhausting. 

Being the peacemaker is something Natalie Berzatto never fucking asked for, yet here she is, playing project manager to her haywire (and sometimes freakishly obsessive) baby brother’s blind-eyed throw of a dart that manifested itself in asking Uncle Jimmy for an eight hundred thousand dollar loan with the promise to have it completely paid back within eight months. 

She’s not one to rain on a parade, but it’s hard to keep marching when your entire life has been putting out the fires of overly ambitious business ventures during unmedicated fits of mania. She had seen it with their dad, with their mom, and with Mikey. Carmen is the last needle needed to complete the fucked up haystack that engulfs their family. 

She’s tried to be positive. She’s tried to be kind. She’s trying to be the peacekeeper, but all of that falls out the window when her brother is bitching out everything that fucking blinks and breathes and Richie has slung a sledgehammer into the wrong wall that needed to be knocked down. 

Natalie has never thought of looking into Botox until now; when her face is set in a permanent scowl and her resting heart rate nears triple digits. Pete had been telling her for the past three weeks that she was doing amazing; that this was an impossible task to complete stress-free, and that the stress was “good” because it meant that she cared. 

Sometimes she doesn’t realize that not everyone has a mom who drives the fucking car through the den during Christmas Eve dinner nor does everyone have a mom who moves all the furniture to the backyard before having to leave for their oldest brother’s high school graduation. Not everyone has an older brother who blows his head off and doesn’t leave a note and not everyone has a younger brother who would lose his head if it wasn’t attached to his body and had his mouth that was spewing hurtful insults by the dozen.

Stress does not mean that you care. Stress means that your eyes are staring at the fucking Sun trying to see where the other shoe is getting ready to drop because there’s always another disappointment and always another phone call to make to the pharmacy for more SSRIs. 

Needless to say, Richie calling Neil “lard ass” on an antagonizing loop after he had pointed out the wrong wall was being destroyed was the last straw. Well, that and the fact she found a new patch of white hairs colonizing on her hairline the other morning. Constant shouted insults, gray hairs popping up overnight, and the colossal secret of a new infant making its arrival into the chaos in October weigh heavy on her. And she absolutely cannot afford to lose her cool and become the kind of bitchy and mean she knows that she’s capable of. 

Your phone number sits inside the LED-lit text thread of a friend she had known in high school. Becca was the older sister of Claire Cantor whom her little brother may have or may have not had a pathetic crush on years ago when he was in high school. 

She feels kind of grimy doing what she is; offering up information about Carmy to Becca to give to Claire who apparently thought her baby brother was the bee's knees (which, if she saw the way he was acting right now, Natalie knows she would run the other way). She doesn’t even think Carmen has the capability to think of anything outside of the restaurant and the menu and how royally fucked they all are. 

She can feel the dull ache of guilt in her chest that comes with knowing how unlikely anything is to come from this, and how wrong she is for pretending like her telling Becca where he grocery shops or if he has a girlfriend or if he was currently looking for someone to date would somehow tether Claire to a world where her and Carmen are a “thing” (because apparently “boyfriend and girlfriend” is too permanent of a word for Chicagoan twenty-somethings to use). 

But she’s doing it for the sake of everyone else! It can’t possibly be as gross and low-lived as she feels it is. 

Becca Cantor is insufferable and can only be taken in small doses, but she’s also a big wig junior partner at one of the most lucrative law firms in Chicago. Natalie hates blowing smoke up people’s asses who don’t deserve it (and in Becca’s case certainly don’t need it), but she desperately needs help and knows that she needs to figure something out before she fucks herself in such a deep hole that she couldn’t attempt to unfuck herself if she tried. 

Your official title is “junior associate” and you had been working at Becca’s firm following your graduation from Northwestern’s Pritzker School of Law a couple of years prior. Becca had said you were amazing; freakishly smart, funny, and hardworking. She also mentioned that you were the best kind of junior associate; the ones that know when to shut the fuck up and when to get the fuck out of the way. The addition added before the text conversation ended was how you were looking to get your foot into the hospitality legal field, and how you were willing to do anything concerning that for free fucking ninety-nine if it meant you would have some experience. 

Natalie sits with her lower lip worried between her teeth and her hands one tick shy of shaking. Her heart beats erratically despite lounging on her couch with the lights off and a re-run of That 70’s Show playing softly in the background. She makes a mental note to bring up the high resting heart rate at her next OB appointment. 

It’s because she’s pregnant. Yes. It has to be because she’s pregnant. 

She shouldn’t be nervous. It would be absolutely ridiculous to be nervous. She’s not nervous. 

She already ran the idea past Sydney and she agreed that they absolutely needed a lawyer in their back pocket. With all of the tax records fucked beyond belief, new workers being hired who actually knew their worth and wouldn’t tolerate not having an actual employement contract, and the lack of permits under their belt currently, a lawyer wouldn’t hurt if getting one turned out to not be as helpful as anticipated. Besides, Becca had said you were doing it for them pro bono which in turn meant free fucking nintey-nine. 

But Natalie had lied to Carmen about how much some fluted cocktail glasses cost to ensure that they purchased the cheaper ones so that she could run the numbers and figure out a way to put you on the payroll. Pro bono or not, you’re doing them a huge favor and part of her can’t put the peacekeeping to rest. 

Her fingers type and untype a novel of characters. She can’t seem to relax her mind enough to articulate what exactly she wants to say. She has one shot to not scare you off and not lose her mind in a fit of fiery rage and not have everything turn to shit and it be her fault. She has to be perfect. 

Fuck. She is nervous. 

Hi! This is Natalie Berzatto. I’m one of Becca Cantor’s friends and she referred me to you. I’m working on opening a restaurant and would like for you to swing by and discuss some things about it if you’re open to that! Please let me know. I’m looking forward to hearing back from you soon! 

Nat’s finger hits the blue “send” arrow in the rounded box of her phone screen the same time she pushes a gag to the back of her throat. She used to work at a marketing firm for Christ’s sake. Cold contacting people isn’t anything new and she’s usually not one to shy away from reaching out to anyone in her personal life first. But she can’t help the fact that she’s never been able to swallow the artificial bubble gummy niceness of reaching out to a complete stranger for the first time. She feels stupid and knows that she sounds even stupider but tries not to think about it. 

Besides, keeping everything together is never easy and she knows that she would be selfish for letting her discomfort prevent her from doing what she knows is best. 

Her breath is stuck in her chest as she eyes the open text thread to an unsaved number; her blue text message staring at her menacingly and breeding contempt as the seconds pass. She gasps loudly whenever she sees the gray bubbles pop up beneath it. Pete pokes his head into the living room with a tea towel in his hand and one of the ceramic plates they had eaten dinner on in the other. His eyes wear concern but he knows better than to confront his wife. Natalie was anything but sugary sweet when she was stressed and the influx of hormones as of late have not been helping. 

You see the message as soon as Natalie sends it. The unknown “312” number finds its way into your notifications and your eyes read over the words in a frenzy. You know that you’re intelligent. You graduated from law school for fuck’s sake, but for some reason you absolutely cannot comprehend the text you’re reading. 

Firstly, you were sure Becca hated your fucking guts. She was a junior partner that everyone hated being assigned to because she pushed all her work onto the associates and nothing ever seemed to be good enough for her. Part of the reason you had to take work home tonight was because she sent you an email with enough passive-aggressive undertone to know that these edits needed to be done now; never mind the fact that the time she took to type out the seven and a half page report about the original report probably took up so much time that she could’ve done the task herself. But yet you replied kindly and have been working through your brain fog and finger cramps since arriving home at six in the evening five hours ago. 

Secondly, hospitality litigation was absolutely above your pay grade. You had taken one elective course on it during your 2L year and did a two-week internship before the start of 3L simply because one of your friends wanted to go on vacation and needed to find someone to cover for them. You know jack shit about hospitality law and you don’t even know why Becca Cantor, of all fucking people, would be so willing to recommend you when she couldn’t care less if you lived or died. 

But of course, you can’t say no. You can never say no, and if this Natalie person was desperate enough to reach out to you via text at 11 PM on a Wednesday, she definitely needed help and needed it now. Besides, you would tell her that you do not need to be paid and if whatever she needs proves to be way too advanced for you, you can always help her find an attorney that knows what they’re doing.

Right? 

It definitely doesn’t mean that you’ll pull an all-nighter and research every aspect of hospitality law in Illinois that you can get your hands on. . .Or look up every department dealing with food and management regulations in the state. . .Or try and look at precedent cases. Your firm gave you unlimited access to West Law. Might as well use it for something slightly more interesting than trusts, estates, and contracts. 

You’re unusually pensive for something you know you would love to do. The ongoing battle as of late has been the dispute between seeking joy and wading in practicality; happiness or falsified peace? 

You rub your eyes with a roughness that would make your optometrist cringe. You know that staring at your computer screen five hours after your contracted work hours ended was the culprit for your dry eyes, but the hours you need are not going to bill themselves. Getting up to get your eyedrops will have to wait.

Replying to Natalie cannot. 

Your fingers type and untype; the feeling of texting back an unknown number foreign and unnerving. 

Thanks so much for reaching out and thinking of me! I would love to. What dates and times work for you, and where would it be best for us to meet? 

The text stares at you on your phone screen. Why do you sound so. . . corporate? Boring? Infantile.

She could probably tell you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about at all. The feeling of defeat rises in your throat but you ignore it and hit send instead. You’re trying to be better about that; letting your fear of uncertainty keep you from taking action. You’ve come to realize that the hard part isn’t doing the thing. It’s actually sitting in the aftermath of the “thing” and waiting for the rest of the world to catch up. 

You bite your lip so hard it begins to bleed and throbs with each pulse of watery blood that fills your mouth. The gentle suck you give it to stop the bleeding makes it partially numb. 

Fuck you, Becca. Fuck you, Becca. Fuck you, Becca. 

Natalie chirps when your text illuminates her screen. She gasps and sits up; startling Pete who had settled next to her after finishing the dishes. Her eyes curl up in the same way her lips do. 

Fucking finally. 

The world no longer feels like it’ll fall apart.

[luna-loveboop]

Time. Worried about Wars.

Time. Worried about Wars. Time is worried about Wars- Time has to be so freaking scared for Wars I-

Warriors is going into his first dungeon which has challenges for how he should deal with it, and Time is stressed. Ima rant about it

At this point (update Entrance) Time is obviously... well, terrified. His concern for mr. stubborn after his injury is obvious and he wants to make sure it does not happen again

And his concerns are valid- they are all now painfully aware of their lack of skills in working as a team. And they are heading into a dungeon- where that instantly results in stuff like this lol

And then Wars openly says that he has never done this before

The group is obviously uhh concerned that he hasn't done this or had any dungeon experience

'No dungeon experience?' / 'Has he even seen certain monsters before?'

Time wanted to stay in a group for safety- but they have to split up. Dungeons are cramped and messy and small, and Wars is used to fighting on a battlefield - not this sort of setting

And they still joke around about it- and Wars instantly starts analyzing.

'Tell me. Give me the intel' / 'This isn't practical'

Honestly Wars' response to this is pretty cool- it's totally in line with who he is as a captain and hero. He instantly starts thinking about it and treating it as a different type of battlefield to figure out strategy. Also I think it's pretty cute that he said 'intel' even if he's grumpy about asking the others for advice and what a wallmaster is

Wars can handle it and learn what a dungeon's like- I think it'll be fun to see him go through his first dungeon :D

But. He's still never done a dungeon before. It will be interesting to see how that develops in this arc... and let's not forget he's pissed the shadow and his emo sword off before. This isn't where he fights best and Wars is particularly vulnerable in a major way.

Time was already stressed about mr. stubborn Twilight, but hearing that the captain, that Warriors isn't prepared for this is. Extra scary. I just think he must be really concerned for him- for all of them. And now mr. reliable is in a learning position and not a leading one

Their faces fjdkfsjdksjsk

But these are his boys and he'll have to trust that they'll be ok. Therefore I think this was Time's thinking:

Time, thinking: "Dungeon. A dungeon oh this is dangerous- no one can get hurt-"

Wars: "can't say I've really been in one"

Time, absolutely sobbing internally: "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE RELIABLE ONE"

.

Art by @linkeduniverse au :))

:)

Hey, don't worry too much about it I'm sure it'll be fine :) (mostly)

[itsallaboutbl]

Love In The Big City (2024)

[gray-thistleclan]

THE FIRST DEATH p1

[sanasanakun]

People try too hard to make Curly an active participant in Jimmy's abuse. Isn't the whole point that he's passive in everything Jimmy does? Abuse occurs because he actively doesn't do anything? Not to call someone out or be mean, but I saw a post saying Anya's ID being in Curly's locker at the beginning shows that he intended to prevent Anya from filing an HR report and I disagree. I get where that interpretation is coming from, but I think it's a little uncharitable. I don't like being too kind to Curly because he's like...a morally mid dude at best lol But if we're going by the HR report interpretation, I would say it's more likely he requested Anya's ID in order to file an HR report on her behalf. After all, the only way to contact Pony (that we see) is in the cockpit, he's the Captain, and Pony Express sucks bad so I wouldn't put it past them to only allow the Captain to use the communication device thing. As we see before, Curly is the only one able to use tools around the ship that you would think other employees could use (ex. Swansea should be able to use the axe if he's the repair guy. Idk why they'd need an ax but that falls under manual labor which Swansea is designated for as the mechanic/fixer dude. But it has to go through Curly). I never got the vibe that Curly moved to actively protect Jimmy. He just lets things happen without say a word; Jimmy walks all over him, and by extension, the whole crew. I get why people would think that because he gives the whole "Hey Jimmy, we can get through this together, bud" spiel right before the crash. This part interests me a lot because there's so many ways to interpret Curly's intentions there. My interpretation is that Curly is on autopilot mode. The responses seem so stilted in comparison to Jimmy's. Like it's the kind of thing Curly's said before again and again and again when Jimmy's gotten in trouble. However, as others previously pointed out, I don't think Curly ever dealt with Jimmy doing something this irredeemable. He doesn't know how to respond, so he just goes for the default "You've gotten through tough situations before. Work through it one step at a time." Like the response is lame af lol I think he was in shock; he was scared (and just so I can say it one more time: he's super lame).

Anyway, this is way longer than I intended and I've said things a billion people have already stated. But uhhh tldr the whole point of Curly's character is he's passive; he never acts. He just watches. Making him an active participant in the abuse by taking actions to cover for Jimmy (like preventing Anya from filing an HR report) defeats the purpose of his character. He's a bystander.

[kneelingshadowsalome]

Love your work ♡♡♡

I was thinking about a bull hybrid könig with a cow hybrid reader... (let's be clear not furries lol)

They both live at a farm and könig can't interact with the cute cow girls cause the farmers are worried he'll loose control and breed them all, so he can only look at them from his stable while they frolick in the fields, fisting his cock while he watches them giggle..

But then, good news! The farmers decide they want new calves, so one day könig wakes up and instead of being all alone like usual he finds his dream girl besides him, shyly telling him that she's there to be bred (bonus points if she's a virgin)

CW: my humble attempt at hybrids lol... big chested reader, (forced) breeding, voyeurism/third party watching, dubcon from both sides, fluff if you squint. 18+ MINORS DNI

The first thing König sees is her smile and bright eyes, long lashes that are cast down the second he manages to make her flustered with his stare. They’re both naked – he because he likes to sleep naked, she because… well, he doesn’t have a clue why. But his cock embarrassingly shoots up when he sees her breasts, large enough to provide milk for an entire array of babies if need be.

To his knowledge, no one has been allowed to breed his beautiful cows. He calls them his, even if he’s never seen them close, his lovely, calm women who love to bask in the sun and sometimes chase each other on the field of greenery. He likes to think they play pretend that a bull like him was chasing them, a cattle he’s trying to mount, because they giggle and run as if it was the greatest fun to be chased around in the fields.

And there’s no way they haven’t seen him watching them from his pen. It’s triple fenced to keep him from bursting out and breeding every single cow he gets under him, and they're right to be afraid because his cock is always swollen and leaking, pushing forwards and up to deliver his seed deep inside a waiting womb.

But right now, he doesn’t have to chase or fist his angry cock at the sight of the giggling women clearly in need of a good, hard dicking. Right now, he gets to examine this demure, naked girl right in front of him, clasping her hands in front of her from shyness, round breasts squishing adorably together as she does that.

The conversation that follows is intoxicating and perverse – she asks if she can touch his… that. Nodding to the dangerous sight that is his towering, twitching cock, he’s proud to present it to her fully. It’s leaking and jutting up in all its glory, and it’s only natural that she’s intrigued. He agrees on one condition: she can fondle his cock all she wants if he gets to massage her teats in return...

She looks helpless for a while, but nods eventually, taking a soft step forward. Soon, he feels a soft hand around his girth, running up and down his veined, bumpy length. There comes some hushed, adoring comments about how huge he is, and more precum leaks out, but he can’t even return the compliments, fixated on her breasts as he is. They’re heavy and plump but don’t lactate which means she has never been bred. He even tries to suck them to confirm this is the cause, making her shudder and cry from how fiercely he tries to suck and tug at both her nipples.

This crusade only ends in him spilling too soon, with sudden, thick spurts that make her yelp again from surprise. She’s holding his long pale cock in her hand, staring at the cum shooting out from the tip with wide eyes and a dropped jaw.

These cows are such simple creatures, innocent and a little dumb, soft and carefree in their naivety. But he’s more disappointed with himself, wasting perfectly good seed just from a few licks and sucks at her jugs.

“That was not supposed to happen,” he grunts when she’s still staring at his throbbing cock like it’s the most amazing thing she's ever seen.

“Oh,” she whispers. “What was supposed to happen then…?’

He looks up at his silly, simple cow, and smiles darkly.

“All of that was supposed to go inside you.”

Her big, wide eyes blink, long lashes bat slowly and consistently from horror and awe.

That’s when the master of the farm barges in, stares at the scene for a moment, and then starts to yell at them.

He left them alone for a few minutes and there’s already wasted semen on the floor??

The cow is yanked away from him, her tits swollen, red and heavy from his mouth. His cock never refuses to land, it only stands up, knowing there will be more action soon to come.

The farmer complains about how much money he paid for a big breeding bull like König, only to have his stupid cow milk all the seed on the floor. They both get yelled at, called stupid and useless, and the poor, helpless girl is told to get on her knees for the bull.

He’s presented with something even better than a pair of big, round tits – he can’t even begin to get angry at the nasty pervert of a farmer. He simply can’t because his adorable meek cow is perfect, absolutely perfect, with her throbbing hole up in the air like this. It’s swollen and glossy, making his cock jerk and bounce with urgency, and the mounting happens without him even thinking about it.

The farmer sighs when he sees his bull’s first attempts at breeding. Scoffs and waves his hand in the air as König probes and prods with his cock for far too long, trying to hit the right hole while the girl is whimpering from fear and want under his heavy weight. His already seed-covered cock finally slips in, and the poor thing under him screams and shudders.

He barely remembers anything after that.

It’s both a nightmare and the most beautiful dream he’s ever had, finally getting to mount and breed a wanton cow. The mating is hurried and compulsive, his hips do their best to get another load of seed out as fast as possible. The girl trembles and moans under him, her big breasts bounce and jiggle with every thrust, and at some point something incredible happens.

The farmer is yelling again – he’s supposed to breed the cow, not give her an orgasm! – but he doesn’t care, he just continues to rut and huff and snort and grunt, bellowing loud and hard as his seed shoots forth.

His pretty little cow is shaking, trembling by the time he’s finished with the breeding, all his strong seed safe and plugged deep inside of her. She sniffles and pants under him, whines and sobs, whispers that it feels so good – and then she’s pulled away from him, led out of the pen, forced to leave his cock.

She barely gets to glance back at him with wet, glossy eyes, asking for his help, no, pleading for it. Those big, vulnerable, defenseless depths will haunt him forever, the love and affection in her eyes so vast that a few, tiny drops of cum push out of his cock just from that hopeless look alone.

They don’t even let him cuddle and hold her after, she’s being escorted away like the cattle that she is, and even if they brought him a hundred big breasted cows to breed he would never forget those eyes and that face.

He’s all spent, weak from breeding like his life depended on it, but these people truly underestimate the strength of a bull. He draws air through his nostrils like a tempest, and starts a riot like nothing else.

He destroys the whole pen in the process, nothing left but splinters of wood and some barely intact poles. The farmer is unrecognizable by the time he’s done, and his cow has fled further away, clearly afraid of him and his sudden unleash of power.

But she doesn’t flee when he goes to her.

No: her lips are pressed tightly together, her eyes still wide with awe and wonder, but she doesn’t run away like most scared cattle would do. She’s his now, and she knows it, only awaits for advice on where to go next. She will follow him wherever he goes, like a wild beast who knows her mate will keep her safe and lead her to abundant pastures: somewhere far away where their offspring can live a good, free life.

[uncanny-tranny]

Good news! You aren't required to make your hobbies and passions "marketable." In fact, your crafts, hobbies, and passions don't even need to be public if you so choose. You don't have to spend all of your energy becoming perfect if you aren't enjoying the process. You are not a product, you are a person, a creative, and your work also does not need to be a product.

[reaping-the-benefits]

There's a tiktok audio that gives off Medic!Y/N and Price vibes

Price: Realistically, do you think you and I could be lovers?

Medic!Y/N: ...There's no way

Price: I think if you worked on-

Medic!Y/N: I don't thin- Me worked?!

Price, nodding: Yeah, you gotta work on some things

M: What do I have to work on?

P: Relationships are work, everyone needs work

M: Okay.

Price: If you worked on-

M: How about the positives, wouldn't you want to list off the positives first, you're going straight to work?

P: I can list off the positives, I can list off all the positives if you want me to but we'd be here all days

M, throwing him with a pillow: You're sleeping on the couch

They've been married for five years

I had a really shitty day at work, and this made me feel better, so thank you for that. And yes, absolutely 100% this is them. They jokingly get into these silly fights to push each others buttons because it's fun.

Y/N: You don't love me.

Price: All I did was tell you that we couldn't get another cat.

Y/N: This house is a nightmare!

And then you're cuddling before bed regardless, scrolling through different pet adoption places.

(I think the only thing you're never allowed to joke about is divorce. You can joke about Price not loving you, or that you'll kill him in his sleep. But Price draws the line at divorce. He's old fashioned and marriage is sacred in his eyes.)

[fireheartwraith]

While Sonic felt an immediate spark of attraction towards Shadow, it wasn't love. Not even close. It was curiosity, with potential for something more, but he didn't think much of it. Shadow was an enemy he had to beat, after all, and Sonic had a mission to complete, friends to help, a world to save. You know how it is.

Shadow didn't feel anything towards Sonic at first except annoyance. Sonic wasn't strong enough to be acknowledged as a proper rival. The most special thing about him was that he, too, was a hedgehog, but Shadow is the best one anyway, so why bother thinking about it further? Shadow had a mission to accomplish, a promise to keep, and a friend to avenge.

But, despite all of this, something about Sonic gets him to stop. Was it his words or something else? Shadow is not sure, but suddenly he's sitting on the Moon watching the sunrise over Earth and he is reminded of another person sitting next to him watching these same stars. For a moment, he thinks he hears the phantom of Her voice next to him. He looks over, and there stands Sonic, smiling softly and reaching his hand out to him despite everything he's done. Shadow feels a warmth surging up from inside him and knows that his heart didn't die with Her because he can feel it beating faster than it ever did in over fifty years.

Shadow falls hard, he falls fast, and he falls with his entire being.

It's a while until the two meet again, but his heart still beats just as hard as it did that day. Not a fluke, then. He doesn’t let his emotions show but, against his better judgement, they keep meeting up and teaming up. Growing closer. Until one day not even Shadow can deny that they are friends.

And Sonic loves all his friends. Of course he does! That's the type of guy he is. So he still thinks nothing of how happy catching Shadow's eyes make him. How a brush of hands can make his stomach flutter. How his eyes linger more than they should. It goes on like this until he has the sudden urge to kiss him.

The thought catches him off guard at first, but when he examines his feelings a bit more closely... he's in love with Shadow, isn't he? He doesn’t know when this happened, but he knows it's true. He looks back at Shadow — who is asking him if he's acting more dumb than usual because he hit his head too hard (idiot. Sonic can hear the masked concern in his voice, and it brings butterflies to his stomach) — and that thought comes again, just as loud as the first time. "I want to kiss him".

And so, Sonic does.

It's awkward at first, and things are not easy, but it all works out in the end. Because Sonic may have fallen in love gradually, bit by bit, so naturally he didn't even notice until his love snuck up on him, but Shadow's love hit him all at once, and he will never let go of it.

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

Killua and the Power of Wishes

Okay going to try and make this coherent because the amount of wish association all through Killua's character development makes me want to chew plaster.

As a fair warning, this analysis ended up being long as hell, and I didn't even include everything I could've said. This is also just one lens to analyze Killua's story arc with, and I feel there are other valid interpretations of some of these moments. This is just one of mine, so keep that in mind please.

One last warning that this analysis does discuss emotional manipulation and abuse, as is par for Killua's background.

Let's set the stage with one important piece of info: Killua's birthday.

Killua's birthday is July 7th, the same day as Tanabata. Tanabata is a folklore-rich festival where according to legend, the two lovers, weaver Orihime and cowherd Hikoboshi, represented by the two stars, Vega and Altair, are allowed to reunite once a year after separation. A popular custom of Tanabata is to make wishes by writing them down on tanzaku, then hang it on a bamboo tree so that the wish might one day come true.

Tanabata is also known as the Star Festival. Please keep this in mind, because I'm going to come back to it.

To finish setting up the lens for this analysis, I'm going to need to dig into the game-changer scene for Killua's early characterization - his confrontation with Illumi at the end of the Hunter Exam, and specifically, the exact nature of Illumi's manipulation of him.

I say "game-changer" because it really is - up until this point, it's kind of fair to not fully know what to think about Killua. Certainly, he seems excited to hang out with Gon (he approached him first, after all) and he's friendly enough, but he's also arrogant and claims to be motivated mainly by boredom. For all intents and purposes, Killua seems set up to be Gon's dangerous yet charismatic rival... but then this scene happens and it completely turns it all on its head.

Because Killua may have mentioned his family was controlling before, but he seriously downplayed the severity of it - likely because he has no point of reference for how awful his situation actually is other than it makes him feel bad and trapped. Illumi's appearance immediately shifts our understanding of Killua from runaway murder kid with annoying murder family to straight-up victim of emotional abuse, and dissolves his cockiness instantly to terror.

What does all this have to do with wishes? Glad you asked. Let's look at some of Illumi's dialogue.

[ID: A screenshot from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. Killua looks up, sweating and conflicted, as Illumi tells him "You don't want anything or wish for anything." End ID.]

This is the crux of Illumi's (and the family's) control. Killua's desires do not align with the family trade. They must be excised from him.

When Killua insists that he does have something that he really wants, Illumi says "Tell me what it is you want", in a mockery of a certain other sibling who would have helped fulfill this wish - Illumi asks only so he can completely dismantle it. And Killua isn't even really surprised at Illumi's words, just heartbroken. You can tell this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened.

Killua states his wish quite fervently; he really means it. But his words are not rebellious, nor cathartic. Instead, he answers Illumi quietly, as if fearful or ashamed, almost reminiscent of a sinner's confession.

[ID: Two screenshots from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. In the first Killua looks down with a troubled expression, saying "I want to become friends with Gon...". In the second, his face is hidden as he stands with hands clenched at his sides with a spotlight on him. He says "I'm sick of killing people..." End ID.]

It's such an innocent, simple want.

And Illumi proceeds to make him feel like even something so simple is harmful and selfish of him... not to the family, but to Gon.

In a matter of a few minutes, Illumi breaks down Killua's wish by:

Acknowledging this desire, but twisting it into something that will inevitably fade over time, thereby causing Killua to doubt his own conviction and feelings -> "Gon is a novelty, a radiant presence who has piqued your curiosity. No more than that."

Acknowledging that Gon is someone important to Killua, and undermining this by telling him that by his very nature, he will eventually bring harm to Gon, which makes him feel as though Killua cannot trust himself to be a good friend -> "If you try to be friends with him, you will one day want to kill him... because you are, by nature, a murderer." (As a... delightful... bonus, this is also apparently how Silva and Illumi justify their treatment of Killua to him - "This is the essence of your existence and we taught you accordingly." Like they adapted to Killua's nature, instead of them molding Killua into who they wanted him to be.)

Delivering an ultimatum - to fight Illumi and win, or else Gon will die - that Killua is doomed to fail due to his upbringing and the needle in his head. Since Killua doesn't know about the needle, he assumes this is his own personal failure, something Illumi feeds into -> "You're just not qualified to make friends."

And it's the last point that breaks him. The first two shoot down Killua's present wish, but the last proceeds to shatter any hope he might've had of wishing for anything similar in the future - he has told him that his desires are weak, temporary, inherently dangerous to those around him, and worst of all, aren't enough on their own for him to deserve friendship and love from others. And the clincher: Killua feels like all of this is his own fault, that there is something inherently dangerous and wrong with him!

So, it doesn't even matter to Killua anymore if he fails the Hunter Exam. To him, he just failed the only test that mattered.

10/10 manipulation, Illumi. Fuck you, seriously.

Killua's character arc is mainly his quest and struggle to refute Illumi's arguments and to shake off the manipulation and the ways in which his family have molded and controlled him. And by far, the most difficult part of his conditioning to shake off is this idea that he is undeserving of anything more than what he is already given.

It's almost like the family has drilled it into him that wishes are dangerous. How interesting.

Thankfully, however, there are two parties to Killua's wish here - Gon, too, is a part of it, and it is not simply his reciprocated desire to be Killua's friend that saves him, but also his recognition of Killua's situation for what it is (notably, when no one else correctly identified the true issue).

"You know it wasn't his choice. You manipulated him, kidnapping his spirit!"

The ensuing Zoldyck family arc emphasizes that Gon is 100% correct: the main hold Killua's family has on him isn't physical - it's all emotional.

Killua breaks one of his shackles when Milluki threatens to have his new friends killed, but he only breaks the rest when Zeno tells him he's free to go. So, if Killua could break loose at any point, was this still a rescue like Gon said?

Well, yes - just because he absolutely could've broken out physically at any time, that does not mean he could just leave. That's the nature of situations such as this - it's not as simple as "just leaving". Support is necessary, as is actually having something tangible outside the situation to go to - otherwise there is little point to leaving at all. Gon (and Kurapika and Leorio) showing up to free Killua showed him that his wish was reciprocated and allowed him to break one cuff - this is the start of his journey, but he still has a long ways to go. Notably, he again hesitates and closes off when Silva asks what he wants.

[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 42. In the first, Silva asks Killua "...would you like to see [Gon]?" Killua's expression is complicated in the next panel - he's closed off and uncertain. Silva continues "Be honest, Kil... what do you want?" End ID.]

Killua will backtalk and casually break his shackles and death glare his family... but he's too fearful to voice his wants aloud.

And once again, asked by his father what he wants, he is subtly set up to fail. His wish is granted, but made conditional - "Do not betray your friends", something Killua is regrettably set up to do by virtue of the needle in his head that he, again, doesn't know about. Silva fully expects him to fail and come back home, disillusioned, believing it's his own fault due to his "nature", and trusting in Silva still as a "reasonable" figure in his life.

This condition placed on his friendship is what drives much of Killua's fear and insecurity with regards to Gon for much of the series - the idea that Killua has to earn his right to friendship, and that if he doesn't, he will lose it, one way or another.

It really makes me wish that Killua had actually gotten to hear Gon's views on friendship from the beginning of the Zoldyck Family arc, because it entirely refutes this entire philosophy. He even outright refuses to go through the Testing Gates at first, purely because he thinks the sentiment of needing to prove yourself just to be friends is completely outrageous - he only relents because there is no other way.

[ID: Two screenshots from episodes 21 and 22 of the 2011 HxH anime adaptation. Gon looks up at Illumi and firmly states "[Killua] doesn't need to earn the right to be my friend!" In the second, Gon's face is seen in profile and close up as he asks "Why would you test your friends?" End ID.]

I doubt it would've truly prevented Killua's insecurity from manifesting even if he had heard this, to be honest - his issues with usefulness are very deep-rooted in his upbringing - but still, it would've been nice for him to hear, I think.

However, that's not to say that this exact sentiment doesn't come through in their interactions.

Gon, as Killua's friend, cares about what Killua actually wants and wants to make sure Killua knows that - and that's part of what makes the Whale Island conversation between them really important.

[ID: Two images, both of the same scene from HxH chapter 64, and episode 37 of the 2011 anime. In the manga panel, Gon has turned his head to look at Killua directly, who looks shocked and taken aback, to say "I like hanging out with you." In the anime screenshot, Gon has turned his whole body to face Killua, and says "I think it's fun to be with you." End ID.]

I see a lot of people chalk this up to just Gon being Gon, but it reads to me as much more deliberate than even his usual honesty. He's turned so he's looking directly at Killua, which is a sure way to make his words come across clearly. The lead up to this is Killua, again, not knowing or being able to vocalize what he wants. He doesn't have a goal to work towards like Gon, he only knows what he doesn't want - he's a mix of envious and admiring towards Gon, who knows what he wants and simply goes for it.

But this conversation makes it clear that they have a shared wish - they both want to be friends, and they'd both like to stay together. It's not about earning, to Gon, it's only about if they both want the same thing - mutual, not conditional. There's a nice almost call-and-response type dialogue here, where Gon asserts that he likes spending time with Killua (very directly lol), then shares that Killua is the first friend his age he's had. This prompts Killua to say that Gon is his first friend ever, and that he does have fun with him. And just like that, Gon replies "Then let's stay together!" and pointedly includes Killua's desire to find a goal in their, now shared, upcoming journey.

Overhead, a shooting star appears in the sky. A mutual wish is granted.

[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 64. The night sky is full of stars. In the centre is a shooting star. End ID.]

Hm. Stars. Remember how I told you to keep that in mind, all the way back at the beginning? Their association with Tanabata, making a wish on a shooting star, etc. etc.?

Well, buckle up because this star is going to make you experience so much sadness now.

[ID: Panels from HxH chapter 286. The first is a conversation between Killua and Meleoron where Killua asserts he intends to "go down in flames with [Gon]". When Meleoron looks concerned, Killua brushes off the declaration as a joke. In the second image, Killua is turned away, his outline pale, as Meleoron thinks "Why... did you looks so sad... back there?" The last image is a cloudy night sky filled with stars. At the centre of the panel is a shooting star. End ID.]

Yeah, it makes its reappearance directly after Killua has "jokingly" resolved to die with Gon if it comes down to it, after "since it means nothing to you".

I am assured, in Japanese, the word choice here is 心中 (shinjuu), the word for double suicide, where the intent is to die at the same time in the same manner in order to be reunited in the afterlife. The implication here is that Killua, having increasingly grown insecure in his place by Gon's side but unable to voice this, knowing that Gon is hurtling down the path of no return, thinks back to their conversation under the stars where they both mutually wished to stay together and, because he believes that it is no longer possible for him to help Gon, has resolved to stay by his side in death, and after it.

...holy shit, kid.

[ID: Two screenshots from the 4th ending of the 2011 anime. In the first, Gon and Killua stand back to back as meteors fall around them. In the second, they stand facing away from the audience towards a body of water under a night sky filled with stars - Gon throws a stone, which flashes in the air like a shooting star. End ID.]

And of course, here's the shooting star again in the 2011 anime's Nagareboshi Kirari ending, as well as it being the subject of the song itself and rather explicitly referencing that wish to go on a journey together, to stay together, because... Madhouse hates us. I guess. :'(

What started off as a simple wish for a friend deepened into a wish to always stay by Gon's side. This is largely good at first! Killua is able to explore and experience genuine friendship, to get a taste for freedom, and use the power of his fervent wish to protect his dear friend in order to rid himself of Illumi's needle. However, the more Killua wants, the more he traps these wishes in monologues within his own head and does not voice them aloud. Part of it is that he already feels he's been given much more than he deserves - seeing himself as a creature of darkness and Gon as light - but a greater part of the issue here is not that Killua is afraid to wish for things, but that he is afraid wishing without "compensation" will inevitably lead to horrible repercussions - namely, losing who he loves.

In order to feel worthy of staying with Gon, of earning his friendship, Killua works hard to help Gon achieve his goals, taking on the role of wish grantor, growing to do practically anything needed to support him for seemingly nothing in return - but that's not 100% true. Killua wants at least some appreciation, whether he admits it or not - it's a security thing, and it also clearly makes him happy, even if he's not great at accepting it. He insists in Chimera Ant arc that friends don't need to thank friends, but this declaration always read as very sudden to me or like a rationalization, and it's relevant to remember that this is at the peak of Gon isolating himself and self-destructing before his eyes, and Killua's own insecurity regarding his importance to him.

Killua might not mind doing things without thanks, but that doesn't mean he doesn't like to hear that Gon appreciates him. He clearly does appreciate verbal confirmation of their bond! We know this.

[ID: Two screenshots from the 2011 anime. The first is from episode 61. Killua smiles down at the ground with his hands in his pockets, the colours having gone soft and bright. The second is from episode 70 during the dodgeball match. Gon smiles determinedly in the foreground as Killua looks shocked next to him. End ID.]

Keeping all this in mind, Killua's story, or at least this part of it, couldn't have concluded in a better way than his rescue of Alluka, the wish grantor.

Now, I could probably write an entire other analysis on Alluka and Nanika alone, but for the sake of not making this any longer than I already have, I'm going to go through only a few points. Alluka is incomprehensible to her family because they make no attempt to understand her, with the exception of Killua. The only thing they do seem to understand, when explained to them, is the demands made after Nanika grants a wish - this, of course, fits neatly into their own predetermined views on "earning" and "punishment". However, beyond this, they make no attempt to understand her, and since her power is deemed dangerous and uncontrollable, she is locked away.

They are worried, first and foremost, that Alluka will bring harm to the family, and there's two ways in which this could be true:

As a function of failing to fulfill her requests, of course

Because she, just by existing, threatens the family's status quo

I stated at the beginning that Killua's desires do not align with those of the family business, and he's always apparently been more open to understanding others - he asks Alluka and Nanika questions to understand them, and treats them with respect, while his family are more so focused on subjugating anything that might be a threat. This is what Illumi tried to drill into Killua after all; never fight a superior opponent - everything is about assessments of relative strength, which leaves no room for open-mindedness or getting to know people.

Faced with a daughter who is clearly incomprehensibly powerful, and a son, the would-be inheritor of the family trade, who is showing a disturbing amount of willingness to befriend instead of retreat from her, the family made the decision to excise Alluka not just from where she could "harm" the family power-wise, but also likely to secure their control over Killua, who they then set about practically programming to not have any more wishes for himself, or at least to not be able to vocalize them without fear of loss or retribution.

The family's nickname for Killua is "Kil" or "Killu", which is deeply fascinating to me as a reader - nicknames are expressions of endearment, typically, and I actually don't doubt that here. Killua's family does love him, but their love comes with conditions. He must be molded into the perfect son, and every part of him that doesn't fit must be excised.

So: Killua's memories of Alluka are suppressed with the needle, and she is further cut from his life by dropping the "a" from his name (the Zoldyck children are named like a game of shiratori - Illumi -> Milluki -> Killua -> Alluka -> Kalluto). The nickname is also like a command or order "to kill", which is of course what they want him to do.

Saving Gon through saving Alluka and Nanika forces Killua to have to face down the last and hardest of Illumi's manipulations to shake, and that's the notion that a wish, that kindness and friendship and love, cannot be unconditional without severe repercussions - where the people he cares about get hurt because of him, something he cannot envision being forgiven for.

It's a little sad to me that after spending most of the series struggling against his family's teachings that they didn't lead to Killua betraying Gon at all, as he'd feared... but to him betraying Nanika, by sending her away.

Here is this little girl with a bloodstained past, incredibly powerful and dangerous and capable of amazing feats, treated as some evil thing by those who fear her. But she is kind at heart. Her true strength lies in healing, not killing. And she only takes commands from Killua.

Illumi thinks this is because Killua is the only one with control over her. Killua believes this is because she wants praise. They're both partially correct, but this is not the full reason Nanika does what Killua asks of her.

[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146 of the 2011 anime. In the first, Nanika smiles and says "I love Killua." In the second, Killua looks at her, stricken. End ID.]

Nanika loves him. Everyone has been trying to figure out all these complicated rules and conditions on her wish granting and why Killua is the one exception, but the answer is exceedingly simple. She loves him, and wants to do nice things for him so he can have his wishes granted. It's the only way she knows to get the love that she wants in turn.

Just like her brother, Nanika makes herself useful to earn love and appreciation from someone who accepted her when no one else did.

Even though he knows Nanika just wants to help, he still sees her presence as a danger to the person he sees as pure and innocent who must be protected. He sends her away because her "nature" is to be a threat to Alluka's safety, even if she doesn't intend to be. Killua's fear of Illumi and repercussions causes him to make a horrible mistake.

And Alluka tears into him for it.

[ID: A set of panels from HxH chapter 336. A furious Alluka glares and asks Killua if he made Nanika cry. When Killua stutters, she demands he apologize to her. End ID.]

You tell him, girl.

Oh hey, this looks a little familiar, huh?

"Apologize to Killua!" says Gon to Illumi after Illumi sends Killua away.

Nanika should not be the one punished for the actions of those trying to control her. She certainly shouldn't be forced to leave those she loves, or have to earn love from them.

And neither should Killua.

[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 336. Alluka yells, tears in her eyes, "If you're going to protect me... you have to protect Nanika too!!" Killua looks shocked, then his eyes widen. End ID.]

It's interesting to me that this is the line that snaps Killua out of his fear enough for him to properly speak with Nanika and apologize. One party cannot receive all the protection, nor can the other only give and give limitlessly.

Killua makes it clear to Nanika when speaking with her that he will protect her, and that she doesn't need to earn affection from people by granting their wishes. He promises they will both be there for each other - Killua will praise her whenever she wants, and not just when she does something for him, but he also doesn't refuse Nanika's desire to grant his wishes. It's mutual, not conditional.

And on the heels of this "betrayal", Killua asks for what he never thought he could receive - forgiveness. And even though Nanika is clearly still very upset...

[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146. In the first, Nanika and Killua face each other, both of them teary. Nanika says "Kay." In the second, he has pulled her into a hug. Nanika is teary, her fingers gripping Killua's back tightly. End ID.]

...she doesn't even have to think about it.

I do think Killua still has a ways to go, but he is in a position right now to learn from his relationship with his sisters about balance - that love is not just selfless devotion, but also allowing those who love you to help you and make you happy too. I think that's what unconditional love is, in a way - supporting and working together with the people you love to make each other's wishes come true.