#i hope im never described
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imisswinter · 1 year ago
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i learned i have kidney damage today from blood test results
tw : sh ana
i dont think its severe but im taking a break from ana for a second
not too hard but im just going to have to be for conscious and cant drink coke zero and eat salty foods.
its going to be hard for me to redirect some of my oral fixations to safer ones but also im going to have a hard time controlling myself because im feeling weird.
im predisposed to organ damage because my body produces too much collagen and allows it to accumulate. ive known this, but ive hated myself for so long for unrelated reasons i mentally disregarded about the consequences. i would fast for days on end and only drink water and acidic things. i would take ibuprofen/prescribed medications on an empty stomach in fear of seeing my face bloat from a cracker. knowing full well i could hear and feel the searing tearing pain in my torso; so bad i would reflexively bend over clutching my stomach and instantly groan...of course resuming seconds later as if nothing had happened.
i ignored it and just kept on dancing, walking, working, whatever i was already distracting myself with .
i hate feeling concerned with my health it always throws me into a hypochondriadic spiral. i dont want to question my bodys every weep.
idk i feel so conflicted about wanting to hurt myself
thankfully my parents care about me if i tell them and im grateful for that. but i dont want to make them sad. i want to do the things that make me happy. as in i dont want to be in a hospital all day. if im going to die i want to spend my mobile days free. we have resources for care 100%. but kidney failure is is little more precarious than a gall stone or a bad flu. its also my fault. ive had this auto immune disease and still treated my body poorly. im not even skinny. i want to escape from all of this. im so ungrateful for everything.
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shakingparadigm · 6 months ago
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what is the theory that ivan manipulated the event where till and mizi met the wagyein?
It's not a theory, actually! It's confirmed that Ivan orchestrated the whole event. The true reason as to why however is still unknown. The information provides more context to this scene, though:
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During the earlier times of ALNST the most rational explanation for this scene was that Till ran after a flower crown (presumably Mizi's) and Ivan followed him in out of curiosity. Now we know that Ivan was conveniently just standing there because he was waiting.
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Side note, I find it heartbreaking (and maybe a little funny, sorry) that Till most likely didn't notice Ivan in this scene. That's just like him, isn't it. Always too busy running after Mizi while Ivan trails behind, an ever-present shadow.
I'm not sure how Ivan manipulated the circumstances for both of them to end up there, but it is confirmed that everything was intentional. What strikes me most is how they describe this particular scene:
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I can't copy down what they said word-for-word (Patreon info), but they described Ivan watching "creepily" as Till and Mizi are faced with danger. We know that Ivan was familiar with the Cerberus wagyein beforehand, enough to touch its teeth and even to rest himself inside its maw. To Ivan, the wagyein is not dangerous, but to Till and Mizi, it could be. Ivan prepared the wagyein, led them there, and watched "creepily" from afar as Till fell on his knees, seemingly injured.
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The closest I can get to making sense of Ivan's "scheme" is that he wanted to see how other children would react in a dangerous situation. Ivan's always been an observer, after all, and he's learned to survive by copying the more "normal" behaviors of his peers. This situation occured when Ivan was still young and had not yet developed his more charming mask, so perhaps he staged this encounter to study a situational response, to learn and mimic the emotion of fear. And what better subjects for the experiment than two of the most expressive and reactive humans of their batch? It helps that he was already fixated on Till beforehand, too. I think Ivan became irreversibly obssessed after this incident, especially since it's framed as a turning point in Ivan's life, comparing Till to the stars.
This is just my attempt at an interpretation, though. It could very well be for another reason. He most likely chose Till and Mizi specifically for personal reasons, not just for reaction. I'm still not sure on the purpose behind the whole thing.
The team wanted to capture Ivan's "dark emotions" through the shot of his stalking, which could relate to his more sinister intentions. His gaze can be read in a few different ways, though. Curiosity, interest, fear, etc. Maybe that's why they decided to redraw the shot in ROUND 6.
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I think this better sells the feeling they were trying to convey.
#ivan u fucked up little guy.#also okay i just wanna clear this up#i know i make a lot of posts about ivans darker side and his more problematic traits#but this isn't me trying to villainize him or reduce him down to “toxic yaoi”#I HOPE YOU GUYS KNOW ALL MY TOXIC YAOI POSTS ARE LIGHTHEARTED.#i just want to clarify that ivan was always intended to be a darker and complicated character. even since his debut in round 3#the way i refer to ivan (“twisted” “creepy” “obssessive” etc) are literally the direct words used by q and v themselves to describe him#but despite that id like to emphasize that i don't see ivan as a villain or a completely bad person. hes complicated#there is no normalcy in this world they are living in. none of the characters know what being truly normal is#this isn't me condoning his actions#but it has to be acknowledged that alnst is fucked up in nature. we can't expect perfect relationships from people who are born to die#plus ivan has a lot more layers past the “dark” parts. he's constantly battling himself and his desires#especially at the end of round 6 where he performs a myriad of conflicting actions (kiss strangle peck smile)#thanks to the r6 production notes we now know that ivan was going through a rapid internal conflict#“sure and unsure at the same time”#there is sooo much to ivan. his low self-esteem. his desire and possessiveness despite knowing till will never love him#his VEHEMENT insistence that till will never love him vs his desperate persistence in trying anyway#uh i need to shut up i think#anyways sorry. just wanted to clarify my thoughts on him in case people think im. yk.#in short. hes a fucked up little freak and he fascinates me. this poor tragic child. i love him.#SORRY I GOT CARRIED AWAY#alnst#alien stage#alien stage ivan#alnst ivan#asks
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puppyeared · 5 months ago
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i feel like im not making any sense but does anyone else feel like there are stories that let u run with them and ones that spell everything out for you
#im reading that post that says artists are directors of audience reaction and not its dictator:#'you cannot guarantee that everyone viewing your work will react as you are trying t make them react. a good artist knows that this is what#allows work to breath. by definition you cannot have art where the viewer brings nothing to the table ... this is why you have to let go of#the urge to plainly state in text exactly how you think the work should be interpreted ... its better to be misinterpreted sometimes than#to talk down to your audience. you wont even gain any control that way; people will still develop their opinions no matter what you do#im thinking abt this again cuz i was thinking maybe the thing that lets adventure time work so well the way it does is cuz it doesnt#take itself too seriously that it gives the audience enough room to fuck with subtext and then fuck with them back yknow. i think it was#mentioned somewhere that they werent even planning to run with the postapocalyptic elements that are hinted in the show but changed their#mind after the one off with the frozen businessmen and dominoed into marcy and simons backstory. on the other side there are stories that#explain too much to let the story speak for itself and i think it ends up having to do more with the crew trying to lead ppl in a certain#direction than expand on what they have and i see a lot of this with miraculous. like when interviews and tweets are used as word of god in#arguments and it becomes a little stifling to play around with it knowing the creator can just interject. u can say its the crews effort to#engage with its audience but it feels more like micromanaging. and none of this is to say there ISNT room for stories that spell things out#theyre just suited for different things. if sesame street tried abstract approaches to themes and nuance itd be counterproductive#a lot of things fly over my head so i need help picking things apart to get it- but it doesnt have to be from the story itself. ive picked#picked up or built on my own interpretations listening to other ppl share their thoughts which creates conversation around the same thing#sometimes stories will spell things out for you without being so obvious abt it that it feels like its woven into the text. my fav example#for this might be ATLA using younger characters as its main cast but instead of feeling like its dumbed down for kids to understand why war#is bad its framed from a childs point of view so younger audiences can pick up on it by relating to the characters. maybe an 8 year old#wont get how geopolitics works but at least they get 'hey the world is a little more complicated than everyone vs. fire nation'. same for#steven universe bc its like theyre trying to describe and put feelings into words that kids might not have so they have smth to start with#especially with the metaphors around relationships bc even if it looks unfamiliar as a kid now maybe the hope is for it to be smth you can#look back to. thats why it feels like these shows grew up with me.. instead of saving difficult topics for 'when im ready for it'#as if its preparing me for high school it gave me smth to turn in my hands and revisit again and again as i grow. stories that never#treated u as dumb all along. just someone who could learn and come back to it as many times as u need to. i loved SU for the longest time#but i felt guilty for enjoying it hearing the way ppl bash it. bc i was a kid and thought other ppl understood it better than me and made#feel bad for leaning into the message of paying forward kindness and not questioning why steven didnt punish the diamonds or hold them#accountable. but im rewatching it now and going oh. i still love this show and what it was trying to teach me#yapping#diary
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troubledbee · 8 months ago
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I can sense a mattress being sold. Soon... Soon I will get to cleanse a house from all its impurities, with the blessing of the sacred flames...
Inspiration
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skymantle · 10 months ago
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noticed a while ago that yes man has a small lisp that's noticeable in a handful of his lines, so i made a little compilation of the ones where its Most apparent! :-)
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eshithepetty · 2 years ago
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I haven't actually watched a lick of star trek but. People on the @autismswagsummit poll between them said they would be friends, and going by what little I do know of Data, I'm inclined to agree!!! So here are the them :) the two cat loving autisms....
o7 to all the trekkies btw, sorry that your boy lost 😔 but as a reminder, op of the summit potentially has something in mind for those who did, so!! Keep your head up kings. Also a reminder to everyone to be nice to the poll maker and others, it's literally just a silly tumblr competition jdhdhh
[ID: art of Data from Star Trek and Mob from Mob Psycho 100 interacting. The background is a pastel orange and the characters are done in lineart and with light shading and highlights. Data is slightly smiling as he holds his cat, Spot, and Mob, who is standing next to him, is smiling as well as he carefully pets her, Spot stretching her head up to meet the contact. End ID.]
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thekidsarentalright · 7 months ago
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literally cannot believe i got my favorite song of all time in the entire world a second time last night. never in a million years did i dream that i’d be lucky enough to actually hear it again, never in a million years did i dream it would be one of the last songs of the tour but somehow i got lucky enough that it was. somehow the universe was listening and the stars aligned Just right and i got to sing ‘and in the end, i’d do it all again’ with my favorite band on the last night of the tour that healed them all like it healed me. what a time to be alive
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summerholiday99 · 2 years ago
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Your Sydney art is so hot!!😳😳😳
thank you anon 😭😭 he's my fav dol boy and i love to draw him so i'm glad others can also enjoy..!!
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fangsandsoftgrass · 4 months ago
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ITS HERE!!! my contribution to @rvnwtch's Ravenwatch event! My au of Fennorian's smolder scrolls minigame! It takes place in Solitude, after the final confrontation with Svargrim, as opposed to Castle Ravenwatch :) there's also a song to listen to while reading!
Snowberry Tonic
By the time Cirwedh reached the guildhall a light snow had begun to fall, and despite the thick layers of fur she wrapped herself in, she was beginning to feel the cold gnawing at her weary bones. She stepped through the door and was met with the warmth of a fire crackling just out of sight, chasing away any bit of cold as she shook the frost from her hair. While her reputation with the guild often made her the unwilling subject of academic curiosity among the younger mages, she was able to slip in unnoticed while the whole city was celebrating in the palace courtyard.
She removed her boots and set them by the hearth before continuing towards the staircase at the back of the hall, old and worn with the steps of countless others before her. Efficiently navigating the misshapen steps like they were roots along the ground, Cirwedh passed under a stone arch into a dimly lit room scattered with dusty bookshelves and bathed in the scent of dried herbs. There, hunched over a desk with his back turned, was Fennorian. She watched, entranced by the way his hands moved like a symphony over a myriad of colored flasks and bottles, plucking the cork from one and pouring a few drops into another with a smooth confidence seemingly natural to him.
Cirwedh knocked lightly against the side of an old hutch as she entered the room. The vampire scholar jumped at the sound and spun around to meet her. The surprise on his face shifted, and he flashed her a polite smile as he abandoned his work to give her his full attention.
“Cirwedh! Apologies, I didn’t think I’d see you for a while. Had I known, I would have at least dusted.” He coughed and theatrically fanned a hand in front of him. “And here I thought nobody would notice if I snuck away from the celebrations. I neglected to consider your sharp eye.”
She pulled off her thick, fur-lined gloves—a gift from Svana—and set them on a shelf, noticing the way his eyes followed the gesture.
“I was waiting for someone else to leave first,” she muttered, avoiding his attentive gaze and instead staring at the bruises peeking out from under the edges of his sleeves, “and I wanted to check in on you.”
A light mauve crept across the vampire's cheeks at the last sentence, and he bowed his head before clasping his hands together nervously.
“I appreciate that. The last twenty-four hours have certainly been a lot.” He straightened his back, glancing behind him briefly before changing the subject. “Regardless, I’m glad you’re here. I could use a second opinion, and you have a brilliant mind. I would be remiss not to take advantage of it while I have you.”
He motioned her over with a wave of his hand, and it took every ounce of restraint Cirwedh had not to jump to his side. After what felt like miles of walking she stood shoulder-to-shoulder with him, drinking in the sight as he turned back to his work; the red glow of a nearby torch illuminating his sharp features.
“After that last fight, I wanted to start on a new restorative elixir. I can’t tell if I have the components balanced yet, though.” Clearing his throat, he continued, “It's difficult to objectively observe my own reaction considering the condition I find myself in, otherwise I'd try it.” He looked up with a severe expression, only faltering when a gentle hand reached up and brushed away the dark curtains of hair obscuring his eyes.
“I was worried... Y'ffre’s breath, I was scared.”
As the warm skin of her palm cupped his cheek he leaned into the touch, and a tentative smile curled her lips as she watched his eyes trail across her brow, nose, and lips before finally meeting her gaze.
“I'm sorry,” he murmured, lips brushing against her palm with every syllable, “is there a way I can make it up to you?”
Cirwedh swallowed the lump rising in her throat and as she moved her hand to brush the pad of her thumb across his lip she spoke.
“Perhaps you can make this tonic you're working on more suitable to someone with your needs.”
She looked at the flask of shimmering liquid on the desk beside them and turned away to pick it up, setting her other hand against the edge of the desk for support.
Fennorian instantly felt the absence of her warmth and he used every bit of discipline he possessed not to sound disappointed when he replied, “I'd still need to ensure it works on others, my needs aside. As it is now, the active regeneration properties I've formulated are designed for those who cannot recover vitality through the consumption of blood.” He paused, thinking of an excuse as to why it had to be her before continuing, “We have made allies of those with lycanthropy as well, and it would be irresponsible to overlook them. I would owe you a great deal if you could try it, and let me study the reaction of one with such a condition.” He noticed the way she looked between him and the flask with a raised brow and quickly noted, “it tastes of snowberries, if that helps.”
“I think I'd rather taste you.”
The words left her mouth before she could bite them back and the weight of them settled between the two like a timber mammoth in the room. Cirwedh watched, mortified as his eyes went wide, and the tips of his fangs peeked from behind parted lips. After a moment he cleared his throat and attempted to collect himself before a nervous laugh bubbled forth.
“You never cease to surprise me Cirwedh, you know that? I think that's what makes you so fascinating to me. You say things I could never expect...” he smiled and took a step forward, “things that send me reeling.”
He looked down through dark lashes, angling himself closer to her as his hand moved towards hers; his near-violet eyes darkening with some inscrutable emotion.
“I don't think you understand the effect you have on me. Everything I do seems to be for you, even this elixir. Seeing you return from that tower battered and bruised, while I had nothing to give. Now, I do. But…” his fingers curled into fists and he seemed to retreat, brow crumpling as he looked away from her, convinced he had said too much.
But?
Cirwedh cursed herself for making him uncomfortable with her gods-damned lack of shame.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn't have said anything. Just say the word, I will go back to the palace and never speak of this again.”
Before he could answer she turned, preparing to leave, but was stopped as a trembling hand grabbed her wrist. She spun around and what she saw was something she never would have expected. Fennorian had knelt on the ground and was now only inches shorter than her, looking up with the eyes of a desperate man, starved and begging.
“Kiss me.”
It was all she needed to hear. Cirwedh rushed forward and took his face in her hands, lips crashing into his in a messy embrace. He kissed her back with just as much fervor, slender arms snaking around her back to pull her against him. His left hand stayed firm on the small of her back, while the other crept up to tangle itself in the wild locks at the nape of her neck. Any stress Cirwedh carried had melted like warm sap down her limbs as her hands roamed his face, memorizing every feature and relishing in the contact as she deepened the kiss, nipping at his lips until they opened for her with a soft whine.
Every bone in her body screamed for her to lose control and devour him whole, but she pushed that beast away and focused instead on the way Fennorians hands grabbed at her soft body, digging into whatever he could. Overcome with emotion she felt the tattoos covering her body spring to life, and suddenly vibrant foliage and flowering vines were practically bursting from the seams of her clothing and reaching towards her lover. She could feel her lungs starting to burn from the lack of oxygen and her blood boiled in her veins as she struggled to contain herself, but she wanted to feel it all.
When she finally pulled away to breathe, Cirwedh couldn't help but laugh at the situation. Here she stood after what felt like a lifetime silently pining and convincing herself he was out of reach, just to be kissing him at the drop of a leaf in some musty basement, like she'd wither and turn to dirt if she didn't.
Fennorian steadied himself, a deep blush now painting his cheeks. “You have no idea how long I've wanted you to do that.” He looked down, and a sudden sadness filled his eyes. “For a while I thought denying myself these feelings would keep me safe. Give no room for the pain of rejection. And it did, for a while I suppose, despite how lonely it made me.” His face shifted again, this time into a soft smile as he took her hands in his. “But then you came, like a vine, radiant and wild, you grew through those walls. The feeling was...exhilarating. Now that the moment is here, I feel foolish for having waited.”
Cirwedh stroked his knuckles with her thumb, reflecting his lovesick smile back at him.
“Maybe now we can make up for lost time.” She leaned closer, his breath rustling the leaves across her cheeks as she rested her forehead against his. “If you'll have me, Fennorian Ravenwatch, I promise I will spend the rest of my days loving you.”
It was all the assurance he needed, and when she leaned in he kissed her with all the tenderness in the world. The rest of Tamriel was forgotten to them as they stayed there in that dingy basement, and Cirwedh made good on that promise.
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tamagotchikgs · 22 days ago
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why couldnt my parents have just raised me as a human. why did they have to Leave me. why couldnt they have socialized me why couldnt i have gone to school n had real life experiences why couldnt i have had friends n been dumb n silly when it didnt matter why do i have to be so broken and untrained and everything have so many consequences why dont i get to get to do things for the first time with everyone else why do i have to be here . and the worst. having to have the weight of everything i do be so heavy because what if im bad at it. what if i disgust the only thing i have. what if i lose it all because of what i am . why does everything have to be so scary and hurt so much
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hexados-on-a-string · 10 months ago
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ive never played defenders of the core but finding out that the core we're apparently defending is GOD HERSELF????? absolutely wild.
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transbee · 5 months ago
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Connections.
(ID and closeups under the cut)
Image description: a messy comic made up of overlapping panels. the first panel is a black and white figure with messy hair exhaling stylized swirly smoke from their mouth. the second panel is disconnected from the first, in the foreground there is a coffee mug with the same stylized swirls rising out of it. behind the same figure rests their head and hand on the table. their hair is colored in red and green. the third panel is of a purple flower. it is missing a petal. the fourth overlaps this and shows the same figure exercising, they are doing a plank with shaky lines coming off their figure. they are outlined in red. the fifth panel shows a cropped image of a brick wall messily colored orange with graffiti on it; only the letters "RE" are visible in red ink. the sixth panel is underneath and shows cracks through the whole frame, reminiscent of a broken mirror or cracked foundation. the seventh panel shows the figure sitting curled in on themselves, they are holding a knife in their outstretched arm. blood drips off the knife and their arm. the edges of the panel are dark and the figures hair is inked in red, as well as the blood drips . the next panel is disconnected and shows a closeup of a mouth being pulled to a smile at the corners, revealing a mouth full of sharp teeth. the teeth and hands are outlined in red. the next panel is beneath and shows a figure hunched over in front of a trifold mirror. three blurry forms are reflected back. they are colored light green, dark green, and red. to the right of this panel is a small drawing of a razor blade. the tenth panel is disconnected underneath, it shows a view from above of a dark, empty room. in the middle is an unmade messy bed, and a dark from sitting on the floor beside it. the boarder of the panel swirls inward towards the figure. to the right of the panel is a small drawing of an eye, looking upward, tired. the brow and iris are colored red. the next panel contains the same figure with another persons arm over their shoulders, they are colored yellow and smiling. the figure is staring ahead, blankly. their hair is colored red and green. a third person is partially in the frame and facing away from the viewer, they are colored in orange and yellow. the right side of the panel bursts out into color, destroying the edges of it. the final panel shows two hands interlocking, one colored orange and yellow and the other red. beneath the comic there is handwriting reading "i'm sorry, i don't really think any of this is connected." the word "i'm" and "connected" are colored red. End ID.
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linkvcr · 8 months ago
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What are your biggest art influences? And how would you personally describe your style?
Hope you’re having a most epic swagtacular day :]
hero’s-shade-fanclub
hmmm honestly first thing that comes to mind is my friends! we call a lot so i get to watch them draw and i think it has influenced my style quite a bit. other than that ... one thing i do get influenced by a lot is concept art from media i like. smth abt concept art is always rlly good to me
and im not quite sure how id describe my style! its kinda hard for me to describe it at all LOL, it was very interesting seeing how other people would describe my art though, back when i asked for the evil art style challenge [which i still need to do, whoops] if i had to try though, maybe textured and soft? just bc i hardly ever use sharp angles in my art and always use textured brushes lmao
hope u are having a good day too :-] o7
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altruistic-meme · 9 months ago
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if you could... describe aftg in 5 words
oh this is not as easy a question to answer as it should be akfhsdkf bc like. i could describe its plot, or my thoughts on it as a fan, or how it makes me feel, or just make a joke, or or or and bc idk why you're asking it makes it harder :'))
but let's see...
plot: gay sports mafia found family.
fan: drama, familiarity, trauma, comedy, home
feelings: love, understanding, chaos, joy, comfort
joke: you know, i get it-
(as you can see, i couldn't pick which one to go with, so choose whichever 5 words you want lmao)
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mc-tummy-blur · 18 hours ago
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Just finished watching The Dark Knight for the first time, fully blind, and I'm not even kidding when I say this, that was the sexiest movie I have ever seen
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child-ofdust · 6 months ago
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i wish i could just sleep forverr or maybe just be able to rot in bed every day every hour but i cant and it makes me so sad
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