#i hope dan and phil have a good day with this one this should be exciting for them too

[jutsomethoughtsihave]

MCR FANS, GOOD OMENS FANS, SANDMAN FANS, SUPERNATURAL FANS, AND ALL TUMBLR USERS WAKE THE FUCK UP

As many of you may know, Neil Gaiman has written a show that will release on n*tflix on april 25th. But for some reason i havent seen ANY posts about how tumblrcore this is????

ok, firstly, and most excitingly, WELCOME TO THE BLACK PARADE IS THE MAIN THEME OF THE TRAILER???? HUH???? (link attached idk why it isnt accepting that its a link) https://youtu.be/hwJmZ2Ekfbc?si=YFUezKkI4dS76cXi

Secondly, the actress for death from the sandman is in it! :) She's a familiar face...

Thirdly, and this is crazy, ROWENA MACLEOD'S ACTRESS IS IN IT LIKE HELLO?????? THIS IS LITERALLY THE BEST THING ANYONE COULD EVER ASK FOR TALK ABOUT THIS MORE

[dysthoepiadaily]

I saw this take the other day on twitter, and it made me kind of annoyed bc... way to miss the point, and to show that Dan was right and that it was too niche for you, LOL.

People do like Dan because of his authenticity and wit, but also... it's not that simple. Dystopia Daily, in many ways, was extremely authentic in the emotion it was trying to convey.

I think dystopia daily was more of a commentary on just youtuber culture in general, the desperate need for youtubers to remain popular at around a time when they were losing relevance. This led to a lot of them desperately collabing with one another, "exposing" more and more of their private lives in hopes that the more they give to the camera, to the audience, the audience won't abandon them (Dan and Phil finally tell the truth, Dan's grandma explains the internet).

There's a sort of "giving the people what they want" aspect to it, as well... "This kitten cured my depression", an obviously hyperbolic title, but something the audience wants from him... People want a STORY with youtubers, a sort of triumphant arc, but youtubers aren't actually able to deliver that triumphant arc in the way that the audience wants, because youtubers aren't fictional characters, they're real people.

There's just a brutality in the performer/audience relationship. If the audience doesn't get what they want, they'll just abandon the performer, and the industry is COMPETITIVE, and really unfair. Some of the shittest and laziest content will get a lot of views, while others don't get views when their content is actually interesting and creative! The "literally just reading reddit and monetizing it" and "if I laugh I instantly die" videos have a higher view count than like... "Dan and Dodie do a duet". This is literally modern art, and that's sooo good!!!

The overproduction of it all is by design... It's the point, in many ways, that this guy is being extremely overpaid for content that is objectively bad, but people fall for that kind of thing every time, LOL. It is inauthentic, but it's inauthentic because the personality of Daniel Howell, the host of Dystopia Daily is terrible for youtube views. He's just not the guy he used to be.

Was it the best execution of this concept? I don't know, and I don't really think so (but I am of the belief that art should be easy to understand and this is a VERY debatable point). But, I do think the concept is unique and interesting enough to warrant praise, plus, I think Dan is an ideal person to tell this story... I also think it's hilarious that people were confused about what the fuck it was.

[manchesterau]

CAN YOU WRITE SOMETHING ABOUT PHIL PROPOSING WITH DIPS -diphowell

Saturdays are theirs.

This traditional is one of the more simple ones that they have. It started with Dan and his love of dips and while it didn’t begin on a happy note, it’s something Phil looks forward to every week. It’s not just about eating fries with a plethora of dips and debating which is the best way to go about eating them, it’s about how happy Dan is with his shit ton of dips while he rants about which is the best way of eating them.

That’s why Phil is so nervous now, as he holds the ring box in his palm.

Once they have a traditional they rarely break it or are reluctant to change anything about it. Dan had nagged him to order from their favorite chippy while he answered a few emails and Phil mulled over the thought of proposing to Dan with barbecue fingers and emoji pajamas.

They’ve proposed to each other so much over the years that this should be second nature to Phil, but as they’ve gotten older, it’s starting to get more serious. They don’t do jewelry but Phil wants to see this ring on Dan’s finger.

So he orders the fries and he waits and he hopes Dan doesn’t notice how he’s much more jumpy than normal.

The food comes and they argue over who gets it and Phil huffs about it once and groans about some fictional hot delivery guy seeing him in his emoji pajamas and it takes all of two seconds before Dan is getting up and answering the door.

“You know one of these days you’re emoji pajamas won’t save you, Phil.” Dan says, setting down the bag onto the table and plopping down on the floor across from him.

“Well, as long as I have you I won't need to be saved.” Phil quips.

Dan squints and rolls his eyes, tearing open the bag.

It’s then as Dan starts making the dip station and dishing out the food that Phil realizes he hasn’t really thought this through. He planned on just asking, again, and while he knows the answer will be yes because it’s always yes, it’s different now because of the ring. It’s more serious and permanent and Phil wants to have an autumn wedding because fuck summer weddings and doing it in the spring isn’t even an option. He wants to have their favorite flowers line the isle and he wants their niece to be a flower girl and he wants to watch Dan walk down the aisle and he so badly wants to say i do. And he doesn’t want it later when they’re ready and settled he wants it now while they're getting ready to embark on a new journey in their lives.

“Dan,” he says. “I need to ask you something.”

He can tell Dan doesn’t notice the seriousness in his voice when he snorts and pops a fry in his mouth. “If it’s not about how it’s criminal ranch isn’t a thing here I don’t want to hear it, Lester. Now pick up a fry and dip.”

If Phil wasn’t so in love with him he’d wack him over the head with one of the decorative pillows they spent a month arguing over. He reaches into his pocket out of Dan’s sight and quietly takes the ring out of the box. They’re both sat on the ground and they’ve never been one for getting down on one knee but in this moment Phil wishes he could.

He tries again, “No, I’m really serious.” he says, watching as Dan gets the hint and slowly lowers his wedge dipped in hot honey. He’s got his concerned face on, a slight frown with his eyebrows pinched.

“What’s wrong? Has something happened?”

Phil quickly shakes his head and tries to calm his beating heart with a deep breath.

He smiles, “No, everything’s fine. Everything’s perfect really I just… I mean things have never been great our house is like ninety percent complete on a good day, we have good health, our families are good, everything is just- You know I love you right?”

Dan gives him a look but smiles, “Of course, I love you too.”

“Yes, and you know how happy I am that I get to spend the rest of my life with you? What I’m trying to say is that it’s not just a piece of paper to me anymore.”

Phil watches as Dan looks at him confused before realization dawns on his face.

“Oh my god,”

Phil reaches out a hand and- “Oh fuck,” he hisses.

Dan frowns, looking down. “What’s wrong? Phil?” he says.

“Oh no, oh fuck.”

He’s somehow managed to drop the ring in the hot honey sauce sat right in between their two plates mixed with fries and wedges. Phil reaches for the dip but Dan beats him to it, he watches as Dan peers into the little sauce cup and shrieks when he sees what's inside, dropping the whole cup on his plate. The ring bounces on the table and lands onto Phil’s plate.

“Oh my god,” Dan yells. “Phil! What the fuck? Oh my god, are you proposing with dips?”

“No! I-” he stops himself when he sees the smile on Dan’s face and the tears in his eyes. His shaking with laughter but Phil can see the joy in the crinkles by the tears.

He’s always been honest so he says. “I wanted it to be more romantic than this.”

Dan shakes his head, wiping his eyes with his palms. He's still shaking and crying as he says, "This is like...the most romantic thing you've ever done, Phil Lester."

Phil honks out a laugh, and he knows it's the one where his tongue sticks out because Dan instantly mocks him for it. He picks the rings up and tries to get as much of the sauce off as possible. It's a simple silver band that he spent months agonizing over before finally consulting his mum who told him he knew Dan better than anyone else. When he picked it up from the jeweler he had a little cry about it in the Uber on the way home. The box he spent less time thinking over is simple and black, and the inside is lined with pearly satin. At first he kept it in their room, and then he started to get paranoid with Dan looking through draws so he put it in the green room. And now here it sits, sticky with hot honey.

Dan looks at him with an easy smile and shiny eyes. He holds out his hand and says in a shaky voice. "Are you going to put it on me or do I have to do everything myself?"

Phil pretends to mull it over in his head but the grin he can't hind betrays him and he feels himself get a little weepy as he picks up the ring and slides it onto Dan's finger.

"I can't believe I just got proposed to over dips." Dan says, looking down at his hand in owe.

Phil snorts, wiping away at the tears that have fallen and pops a fry in his mouth.

[viktorpartner]

✨ THE DAN AND PHIL LORE pt. 3✨

CHECK OUT PART 2: https://www.tumblr.com/ashleyeveerson/760707933651746816?source=share

Phil ALSO comes out! (yeah no i'm not crying what? not them feeling comfortable enough to be themselves yeah). 2019 also brings us the adoption of a fish named Norman (a cutie) AND they also post pictures about their recent trip to Japan [the photo of Phil looking up to Dan behind the camera? yeah i am so normal about it, i swear]. There is hope in the horizon still for a Dan and Phil comeback...

BAM! A certain virus runs wild and forces everyone to stay at home. Phil continues to upload solo videos which distracted so many of us during these dark times. Dan, however is AWOL and the only pic we have of him is a shitty screenshot of him in glasses and a mask helping Phil rescue an injured pigeon (lockdown was WILD).

Also, my boy Dan post a cryptic tweet that leads to the announcement of a self-help book named YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS NIGHT (because you will <3). Nah but I can't count how many times I've sobbed reading it, just him trying to help out others who have also struggled with mental health... istg i love this man

Hey so THEY BUY THEIR FOREVER PHOUSE TOGETHER they're gonna kill me one day istg. "Dan and Phil just decided to pay a mortgage together", top 10 sentences that would kill a 2016 phan. They are slaying, they are glowing... also rip Norman the fish you will not be forgotten

So during 2014 the fates (aka a random youtuber) foretold that Dan and Phil would be married in 2022. Since that clearly didn't happen the meme PHIVORCE united the phandom once more. ALSO Dan is out there shitting on youtube (as he should) and going on his solo tour WE'RE ALL DOOMED! Which i love with all my heart and also Phil being there for him every step of the way... AHHHHHHHH

Anyways a certain video called Dan and Phil finally tell the truth hits the internet and let's just say GOD DAMN. This also starts a wonderful trend amongst Dan and Phil in which they make fun of their audience (we deserve it ngl) and absolutley SHOCK US with new information about bonkers shit from their past [apparently they were offered a threesome MULTIPLE TIMES???]

It's the end. They've decided to give up their channel "Dan and Phil Games" forever... let's take a moment and silent and mourn with a compilation of Heart eyes Howell

...

SIKE! We're back baby and we're better than ever!!! The goodbye video turned out the be an ANNOUNCEMENT of their comeback. They are back, Dil Howlter is here and Phil confesses to having dyed everything green in the house when Dan went on tour bc he missed him (OH GOD). Also, the Halloween baking video introduced us to the icon that is.... *drumroll please*

SISTER DANIEL, the queen of making everyone reconsider their sexuality... she is the moment, she is an icon and she is serving astronomical levels of cunt at all time [jokes aside, Dan being comfortable enough to do drag in public, fuck they've come so far i'm so proud of them <3].

And here we are in the future, it's present day and they are queerer and happier than ever. THE PICTURES I CAN'T ISTG. Also Dan's Birthday stream is beyond iconic. First of all my unproblematic kings make it a charity stream to donate to the Palestinian Children's Relief Fund (using their public influence for good hell yeah)... And how did they raise the money you ask? WELL BY HITTING IS WHERE WE'RE WEAKEST. Sister Daniel makes a spectacular comeback, FATHER PHIL is introduced and Dan even dyes his hair red to be more Good Omens coded... which timeline are we living in again? like how is any of this real?

Also them drawing the PINOF whiskers on their faces again... they're literally growing old together I'm gonna go sob in a corner. Also the fake apology video bc they have no fashion sense in the Sims 4 is hilarious as fuck. HOW CAN THEY POSSIBLY BE SO MUCH HOTTER ON THEIR THIRTIES EXPLAIN??

anyways the phandom is still speculating wether they're erasing "i love you's" at the end of their text when they show them on videos... guess some things never change. Nah but the vibes are COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NOW, they are more open than they've ever been and participate on the phan culture FULLY to the point that they're the ones terrorizing us now.

QUICK DETOUR TO TALK ABOUT PHIL'S FAMOUS BAD LUCK (and then they wonder why he's always dying in the fanfics). Nah but my poor man has had his fair share of medical problems, the most recent being...

OH GOD WHY WOULD YOU ANNOUNCE SOMETHING LIKE THAT THIS WAY?? nah like using humor as a coping mechanism and all but do they wanna gives a heart attack?! iconic i fear however

So yeah the video where they talk about it is WILD (funniest shit about the whole ordeal is that a nurse mistook Dan as Phil's son). Also I saw a tweet speculating about Phil having a hickey like... first of all what is it? 2009? Second of all IT'S MOST LIKELY A POPPED VESSEL FROM LOSING ALL THAT BLOOD YOU KNOW

They still were able to go on their vacation (aka the rodent boy summer) which gifted us with this iconic pics... ALSO they dropped a new Dan and Phil beats for summer go check out the names of the tracks istg they wanna kill their fans.

Nothing is sacred anymore, they've infiltrated twtphan, they're actively reposting memes and writing fanfiction about themselves. It's the wild west, everytime you get a notification is like playing Russian Rulet. Cringe is dead and Dan and Phil ARE COMING NEAR YOUR CITY on a tour named "Terrible Influence" where Phil's spent 300€ on silicone. It's a wonderful time to be a phan.

OKAY SO here's some stuff that didn't make the cut but that i find too hilarious to not mention. In no apparent order: DAN DRESSING UP AS A CATBOY, Dan and Phil playing technicians 1 and 2 on Big Hero 6 and two brothers on the Lion King (wtf was that also they gave the gorilas matching fringes), Dan dressing up as a golden pig (my boy has RANGE) and finally Dan being too embarassed to admit he stalked Phil and telling a reporter he was only asking for "editing tips" if you know what i mean

Also a short compilation of Dan and Phil losing the idgaf war against eachother THEY ARE SO THOUGHTFUL ABOUT EVERYTHING. Special mention to Daniel's 🧡 when Phil praised "We're all doomed!" and Dan's ranch metaphor to describe their relationship (just go watch the mukkbang video OH LORD)

SO, in conclusion... Dan and Phil's refusal to belittle their past and instead embrace it as part of their story while actively moving into the future alongside the phandom YEAH THAT SHIT MEANS SOMETHING. They're simultaneously healing our inner child while embracing us as the adults we've become i have many feelings about them

So what are they?

They're just Dan and Phil.

[manchestereyes]

i wanna be with you everywhere

summary: A month after meeting for the first time, Phil discovers Dan's neck thing.

rating: T

word count: 1366

tags: fluff, 2009 fic, yearning (if you squint)

Read on ao3

“Good god, Phil, I thought your mum was never going to let me go, back there,” Dan sighs as he flops onto Phil's bed. And oh… the way he leans his head so casually against his arm should be illegal.

“I know!” Phil hops up next to him, curling himself into Dan's space with a wicked smile. It's a shock she couldn't tell how antsy her youngest son was. “As if she hadn't interrogated me enough about you when I said you were coming over.” He nudges one of Dan's legs with his socked foot, boxers straining against his skinny jeans. Inwardly, he forces his brain and body to calm down.

It’s been a month since they first met in person and every day, Phil is sure his feelings for Dan can’t grow any stronger. Their endless hug the last time Dan went home left him desperate to hop on the train with him and never let him go. Who gives a flying fuck about responsibilities when his favorite person in the world is hundreds of kilometers away? And some of those texts Dan’s been sending these past few weeks that signal his desire runs just as deep as Phil’s? Well, Phil’s heart may as well have flown to Wokingham with the way it’s been acting lately.

Looking back at Dan now, Phil finds his eyes have grown dark, the circles underneath becoming even more pronounced. Underneath the pain, though, a smile breaks through softer than Phil's yet seen from Dan. It's a sight so wonderful that Phil decides then and there that he'll do anything to bring that smile back.

“You know, you're so lucky to have a mum who genuinely cares about you. It’s just… I hope you know that, Phil.” Dan reaches out to trace along his collarbone, and it’s all Phil can do not to melt into a puddle right there.

Of course he knows some of the struggles Dan’s had at home, only drawn out of him in the wee hours of their Skype calls, when the real world disappears for as long as they can stay awake. But to hear it from him in person is another thing entirely. It slams into Phil much like the train Dan just hopped off, to the point where he’s shocked his heart hasn’t spilled across the bed.

Still, even if it had, he’s sure Dan would cradle it in his gentle way.

“Oh, Dan,” Phil pouts, shivering a bit and inching closer as Dan’s finger grazes his Adam’s apple. “You know I hate that that’s your reality. I bet you if I told her, my mom would adopt you before you could ever escape from here.”

“Phil…” Dan’s giggle is as sweet as honey, his eyes twinkling like freshly fallen snow. His finger trails off and lands back on the bed, leaving Phil hungering after it. “You know that would make us…”

“Oh nooooo!” Phil covers his face and buries it in Dan’s chest, but he’s not actually embarrassed. He knew what he was saying. He just needed to see Dan’s face light up in the way that can power his darkest nights. They giggle together for a bit before Phil blinks a few times and tilts his head up…

…only to find Dan’s face mere centimeters away, a longing in his eyes to match Phil’s own. His breaths coming heavier and faster now, Phil braces Dan’s head between his hands and kisses him with everything he has.

It’s a kiss to make up for the thousands of minutes, hundreds of hours, and far too many days they’ve gone without seeing each other. It’s a kiss to show Dan how wanted, how needed he is. It’s a kiss Phil hopes can communicate even a fraction of the staggering feelings he has for Dan.

And god, the way Dan kisses back is enough to send Phil writhing against him, to the point where just Dan’s lips aren’t enough for him. So he trails his lips over to Dan’s cheek, savoring every drop of him, his desire only growing as he kisses his way down Dan’s jaw and onto his neck. And then…

Oh. The gasp Dan lets out is so earth shattering Phil almost doesn’t notice the hardness pressing into his leg. It fills him with a confidence he’s only recently discovered around Dan– and a tightening in his own pants. Maybe that’s what causes him to pull away long enough to find Dan looking well fucked, despite the fact that they’re both fully clothed.

With a giddy smirk, Phil breathes, “Is that good?” The husky tone to his voice isn’t new to him or Dan. Still, the way Dan bites his lip at that shouldn’t be allowed. Fuck.

“Is that… fuck, what do you think, Phil?” A flush has risen now into Dan’s entire face and it delights Phil to no end. It also sets off a lightbulb deep in the Dan-sized pocket of his brain.

“Wait a second. Wait..” Phil’s giggling so much he can barely get the words out. “Is that… is that why you slapped my hand away when I brushed your neck that first day? Do you have,” Phil’s voice drops to a whisper, “a sensitive neck, Dan?”

“I mean… maybe?”

“Maybe?” Phil yelps back, then slaps his hands over his mouth. Shit, he almost forgot his parents are still here! What if they hear him and have to find out the hard way that their youngest boy isn’t ever going to grow into the man they hoped he would be? What if– 

Oh fuck. They’re definitely going to hear the scream laugh that Dan lets out then. 

“Dan! My parents are right downstairs!” Phil hisses. And yet, there’s a part of him that’s so happy Dan is finally here and back in his bed and all over him that he can’t help laughing too. Dan only laughs harder at that until both he and Phil are gasping for air, tears rushing down their cheeks, and Phil is sure he’s never felt happier. It’s fizzing up in him to the point where he has to smack his hands against Dan to let his amusement out somehow.

“You have a sensitive neck! Dan Howell, I never would have expected!” The realization sends another shock of joy through him. After nearly six months of knowing him and one month of closing the distance between them, this may be his favorite thing he’s found out about Dan. 

Well, that and the way he scrunches his face up at Phil’s words. “It’s not that sensitive! Just…” He shakes his head in a way that tells Phil he knows he’s lost, but he doesn’t care. Not here. Not when he’s with Phil.

“You have a sensitive neeeck! You have a sensitive neeeck!” Phil singsongs, though he’s not sure why. There’s just some part of him that needs to tease Dan about this. It’s as cute as his obsessions with Muse and Final Fantasy… and maybe with Phil himself?

“Shut your goddamn mouth,” Dan mutters. But the way he presses his lips again to Phil’s tells him he doesn’t mind at all. In fact, Phil’s quite sure he loves it.

So Phil continues to trace his lips all down Dan’s neck and collarbone, delighting in his new discovery with every gasp that escapes Dan’s lips. And then it hits him.

There’s no way being with Dan can be wrong when it feels this good. Phil’s alright! No, he’s better than alright– he’s free. Freer than he ever felt with any of his failed uni hookups, or even the brief will they-won’t they relationships he’s found himself in.

The realization stitches up a dark corner of his heart. Phil only hopes that with time, he and Dan can work to stitch up the (as far as Phil can tell) much larger corner of Dan’s heart.

Though he’s pretty sure the flashes of pure joy he’s seen today have already begun to work their wonders. He just hopes these feelings can continue to grow for a long time to come.

But by the way things are going, Phil is quite sure he has no reason to worry.

[hacked-by-jake]

I'm currently in my third run and one thing doesn't give me peace. In the conversation between Ash and Charlie. Charlie asks Ash if she told us he could help us. But damn, what does he mean by that? 😟 I always rack my brain when I read this passage.🤔 what is your theory about what Charlie could mean? how could he help us and with what? 😩🧐 I wish you a nice day and look forward to your thoughts! 💜

YOUR THIRD???? HOWWWW??? ARE YOU A WITCH? A WIZARD?? JAKE??

Okay, joke aside. 🤭

Yes!!!! This is bothering me sooooo much as well. Like, do not do this, Everbyte! Don't throw this in front of our feet and run away! We wanted a piece of cake! Not only the crumbs! 😭

I seriously have no idea what this could mean. We know that we don't have contact with the group anymore. And we also know that out case was everywhere on the news. So the question is, what did they say there? What kind of information did they share which made Charlie belive he can help us?

I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with Jake. Ash told us they never mentioned Jake. But this could also be a lie since I don’t really trust her yet.

I could maybe imagine that the group... Even if I don't know if it makes much sense... But maybe our lovely friends had to join Phil in prison, lol.

Sounds weird and unlikely, somehow, I know. But if we remember all the crimes they did. Breaking in, keeping informations a secret, lying to the police, driving under the influence of alcohol 👀

Oh, and of course hiding a government-wanted hacker. I guess that could be a huge problem. And maybe it's not even the fault of the Duskwood police. We all consider the FBI not really kind. So maybe they don't like it if you hide their main suspect and that's why they had to join Phils little prison party.

I don’t know, this could be one thing.

The other thing, but I don’t know if that could help the others... 🤔

But I mean, we still suspect that Michael Hanson is alive. He just left and started a new life. And maybe this new life happens in a small city called Redlog Pines.

But as I said, I don’t know why this should affect the others in any way.

And it seems not logical enough to me that Charlie means he could just drive to Duskwood to talk to them. That would mean they know we don't have contact to the group anymore. But I don't think that's something they news would report. xD

Wahh, I don’t know. I mean, what if Charlie is a hacker as well? Not as good as Jake. Just someone who learned about it and is able to hack some websites and systems etc.

But somehow... Another hacker? I don’t know.

WAHHHHH, this question is killing me. xD

OK wow wow wow wow wow, I had just remembered something.

Whaaaaat if... Okay that's weird now and it's complicated since it's only a thing male MC experienced at the end of Duskwood. If I remember correctly, it was even you who told me about it.

But anyway.

At the end of Duskwood, Jessy tells make MC that she had a boyfriend but it wasn't a very good relationship.

And I mean, why was that mentioned? Sure it fitted the story but what if there's more behind it..

What if... What if Jessys ex is one of the new guys? And that's why there's a connection with duskwood? 🤔

Could that be? I mean, it sounds unlikely, even to me. But somehow... 🤔

Uhh, I don’t know, I'm guessing a lot.

Of course I was hoping it has something to do with Jake but I don't really think that's how it is. Not everything can be about him and it would rarely have to do with the Duskwood group.

But maybe Charlie has a connection with one of them. Maybe Dan or Thomas? Oh, maybe Thomas? As I remember correctly, Thomas did not grow up in duskwood.

But then again, Charlie's shock when he realises that we're the MC from Duskwood.. I mean, would you still react this way when you know someone who was also part of it?

And also, Ash seems to know as well that Charlie can help us. Otherwise he wouldn't have asked it this way.

Oof, I don’t know. Right now I sadly can't think of anything else but I'm dying to find out what is meant by that. And I hope we don't have to wait that long to find out. :')

Have you any idea for it? I love to read it soo..

And thank you so much for asking, it was very interesting to think about it and I feel honoured I was the one you asked, hehe. Does that sound weird? 😅 Anyway. I hope my thoughts are entertaining or similar.

And of course, I hope you will have a wonderful day. Take care of yourself and stay healthy and safe 💚🫶🏻🥰

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Therapy (2) Masterlist

part one

a map to the lost (ao3) - dizzy

Summary: Dan's third therapy appointment, circa late 2014.

a pinch of sugar (ao3) - angelmichelangelo

Summary: dan comes home to find a treat waiting for him at home

But I'll Be Close Behind (ao3) - fringesandcringes

Summary: Exploring how they work through Dan's depression individually and as a partnership, through therapy sessions, episodes, and posting a YouTube video about it for the whole world to see.

Deceit and Devotion (ao3) - Thatonefunhun

Summary: Phil Lester has it all. A successful career doing what he loves, a “bestie” who's always got his back, and a can-do attitude! He’s living the life! But what goes on beyond the camera? And is everything as it seems…

Dropping Anchor in a Storm (ao3) - jestbee

Summary: Phil wakes in the early hours to a thin beam of sunlight breaking through his curtains, and the soft sound of Dan breathing by his side.

He should be able to bask in the peace and stillness of the room, but his brain won't let him do that today.

(TW) Exhausted (ao3) - breatherepeat

Summary: Dan has spent years in therapy unpacking the issues of his past and coming to terms with himself. In order to complete his journey of self-acceptance, he knew he would have to face some difficult aspects of his past. The only way to work through years of repressed memories is to bring them to light and process them.

It Gets Better (ao3) - yikesola

Summary: The air in the waiting room is too hot. Dan is hoping his therapist’s office is cooler— it usually is, she has a fan that she always turns on when he walks in— but he also is sitting with that heavy feeling in his stomach that today is going to be a hard day, and the room being stifling would just be part of his luck.

A fic about self-empathy and good sessions.

it's a church of burnt romances (ao3) - phanetixs

Summary: Dan backs into the car and the driver asks where he’s heading. His head swims with thoughts of Phil, and of guilt and embarrassment at how he’s subconsciously treating his friend. Whose life centres around virtues like chastity. And non-objectification goes both ways. Dan takes a few deep breaths, pressing a palm to his insistent bulge to quell his arousal. As always, it doesn’t work.

Well, he resolves, if he can’t get Phil out of his head, he’s got to get someone else into it. Or onto him, preferably.

Or, a Fleabag AU.

Redemption Arc (ao3) - philsmeatylegss

Summary: classic, slightly dramatic and unrealistic rags to riches au

run don't hide (ao3) - calvinahobbes

Summary: Dan has a run-in with a girl from school.

somebody's gone (ao3) - dvp_95

Summary: Dan's first therapy session after the incident.

the brain inside my muddled head (ao3) - angelmichelangelo

Summary: dan sees his therapist

the uncertainties of sexuality (ao3) - danhoweiis

Summary: “For me, having a label means having to be that thing and maybe sometimes I don’t want to be that thing but how on earth can I explain that to them when all I have to do is talk about a cute boy or something and suddenly I’m a bisexual icon when I’m not...not that.”

Therapy Day (ao3) - kattdan

Summary: Sometimes therapy makes Dan feel worse and he seeks comfort in Phil.

thursday at eleven (ao3) - cityofphanchester

Summary: This isn’t Dan’s Thursday morning, and no matter how much and how long he’s been pushing the idea, these first steps have to be Phil’s own.

Unfiltered (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: "Start with the unfiltered version," his therapist had told him. "Write it all out, as if no one else will ever see it, and then work your way from there."

It's a long process, getting everything together, readying himself to open up about depression, but he can take it in steps.

we were never in the park (ignoring tornado warnings) (ao3) - pasteldanhowells

Summary: After Phil leaves Dan, Dan starts seeing a therapist. Then, Phil comes back, and Dan starts lying to his therapist about him.

What A Catch (ao3) - hygge

Summary: Phil visits the same cafe every weekday morning without fail. But, when he decides to visit the cafe on the weekend for once, the atmosphere that he had grown used to has completely changed thanks to a piano player named Dan. While Phil is ready to jump into a relationship, Dan is hesitant and is still trying to stitch his life together again after What Had Happened in his past relationship. And that’s easier said than done.

wherever you stray i follow (ao3) - calvinahobbes

Summary: Dan brings Phil with him to therapy.

[blossoms-phan]

i absolutely adore the concept/general feeling of food as a means of bonding/making memories and literally everything they do is the epitome of romance and eternal bonding to me but it makes me soooo emo thinking about how much life and food dnp have shared over 15 years. thinking about the first time(s) dan went to visit him at the lesters and probably shared a slightly awkward meal at their dinner table with his parents. then he went from not knowing how to grocery shop on his own to having phil as a friend and life partner as he entered adulthood for the first time, the origins of their routine of shared bowls of cereal for breakfast and the most basic stir frys to sustain their needs. conversations over toasties and caramel macchiatos. toast and ribena, learning how phil likes his basic nescafe coffee he probably still prefers although he’ll happily listen to dan yap about learning how to make his fancy espresso and drink whatever latte he’s handed, as long as it has a splash of vanilla syrup and a little bit of shakily poured art on top. sharing popcorn at the movies and shakeaway straight after. perfecting their pizza orders. travelling around the world together and trying new foods from new places, already knowing phil is going to order the most sugary stack of pancakes a menu has to offer. seeing each other through fixations and healthy phases (even though dan kinda ruined phil’s one time salad motivation by bringing a goddamn cabbage home). cups of tea silently delivered to each others rooms on bad days. indulging in each others cravings because dan believes that phil doesn’t need to earn his candies and treats, if you want the thing you should just have it. using their rich boi money to occasionally buy the good olive oil and oat milk and hummus from the fancy grocery store because fuck it, they can. a clear appreciation for a well made croissant/pastry which I respect. an alcohol shelf in their forever home that’s grown over the years with the help of wanting to try making that cool drink they tried at the bar on their own, gifts from family and friends, souvenirs from japan and a backup bottle of celebratory champagne just because. their own leftover bakes and birthday cakes and breakfast buffets on vacation and sushi bars in japan and fancy date nights out at dimly lit restaurants and so many takeaways (deliveroo daddies, how great is modern life) and i sincerely hope by this point different varieties of home cooked meals and family dinners in florida and at the lesters except now they’re dan’s chosen family.

[galaxy-stardust]

Duskwood

Jakes view

Part 6

While he walks through the streets and the stations, he started hearing the words "I am Jake" around him. Monitors showing masked people from all over the world with the hashtag #Iamjake

Wow, I'm impressed. Good job. This will definitely help me.

Alright, I should not stop. I have to hide by not standing still for a while. He rushes into a train.

In the next few hours, he travels from here to there and from there to here until he decides to go into hiding in an old motel.

It's cosy. He opens a window and hears into the night for a while. Everything is quiet.

He opens his laptop and starts typing. He smiles as he reads that MC could cry just because he sents a message. She really worries about me. He smiles shyly.

They talk about the I am Jake thing, the attackers who try to hack MC's phone, and why they're trying to attack her. Why you MC?

The puzzles you have to solve with Lilly—yes, I know you didn't like her that much, but you've worked well together. I know you would like your name as the password. He smiles. It felt right and strange at the same time.

And they tell each other how much they miss them.

I am so incredibly sorry that I left you alone, MC, but I had to make sure that they wouldn't catch me because that would have separated us for much longer. Please forgive me. She does. He breathes out a sigh of relief.

But he has to get one more off his chest. The conversation MC had with Phil. I really don't like him. He was already angry as he read the chat between Phil and Jessica, in which Phil wants to know if she's dating someone. Tz...

He doesn't want to feel like that; he doesn't want to be jealous, but MC said she would go to Duskwood, meet him at the Aurora. On the one hand, he doesn't want her to go because it's too dangerous; on the other hand, he doesn't want her to meet Phil.

She says she will not go... that's not enough...

Well, she promised me. Thank you MC.

The next time they talk about the attack on Richy, Alan, Ted, the bracelet and Amy.

He smiles, you are like me... I don't want to rest either, but you have to. Just for a while.

He closes the chat, streches, and leaves his room to grab something to drink. He passes a spa area with a whirlpool. He stops and finds himself thinking about being in this area with MC. Just him and her. Relaxing. Nice thought; I hope it will become reality one day.

He steps out of the motel, breathing in the fresh air, and his gaze falls on a Chinese restaurant. I wonder if she likes Chinese food. I will ask her next time he thinks, feeling that he gets nervous. Talking isn't his strength.

He heads back to his room, and right in this moment, a message from MC pops up.

Oh okay... the time has come that the others want me in the group chat; they want to know everything we have found out so far.

I knew this would happen sooner or later.

Allright MC, I'll do it for you. But first, you must remove Richy from the chat; the kidnapper could use his phone and read up on everything.

Just trust me...Well done. Let's go.

Shortly after he joins the chat, Dan attacks him with questions.

Yes, I should have seen this coming too. I know you don't like me. But that doesn't matter. You trust her, and that's enough for our investigations.

Thank you for trying to protect me, MC, but I'll manage.

In the next few hours, he and MC tell the group everything they found out. Partly, he felt sorry that he told the group things that MC didn't know either.

But otherwise, it's good to fill in the group. They want to help.

After a lot of information, he opens the chat between him and her.

Both of them don't know what to feel.

But there's no time to be sad, there's still a lot of work to do.

Jake introduces her to find out something relevant in a forum about Amy.

He laughs as she typed in the password wrong. Sorry, bad habit. He changes it into an easy one. Good luck, MC.

Later, he looks out the window, seeing the restaurant again.

He takes a deep breath, opens their chat, and asks

And then they finally talk about their feelings for each other.

She imagines being close to him, looking into each other's eyes; no words are needed to understand each other; kissing...

The butterflies are back again. A lot more than ever before.

I have the same thoughts. I want to be with you so badly...

Part 7

[doomedhowell]

the cat distribution system

link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/58077322 title: the cat distribution system rating: general word count: 1,510 summary: The cat distribution system finally choses Phil, he also meets one of his neighbors in the process.

It had been a rather long day for Phil, filming quite a few videos all morning for his youtube channel and then playing catch up on social media. Phil decided that he wanted to go on an evening walk. The weather was quite lovely, and he needed to get some fresh air after being cooped up in his apartment for so long.

Phil’s walking, humming along to the Taylor Swift song that’s stuck in his head. He stops as soon as he hears a sound that sounds like a meow. Phil looks around curiously, and he gasps when he sees a little orange cat across the street. Phil instantly pulls out his phone and starts filming. “Guys, you won’t believe this-” Phil glances both ways before quickly crossing the street, carefully walking over to the cat. “The cat distribution system has finally chosen me. I’ve been waiting for this for so- oh my goodness. Hi.”

The cat starts meowing more, and happily makes his way over to Phil, pawing at his leg.

“Oh wow, you’re super friendly, aren’t you? Hi there,” Phil says, and he bends down to pet the cat’s head. “You’re so cute. Where did you come from? Are you lost?”

“I see you’ve met George,”

Phil blinks in surprise, and he looks up to see a man with curly brown hair walking up to him. “I’m sorry?” He keeps his phone recording, just in case this guy happens to be a total creep and he needs evidence.

“Goerge,” the man says, walking closer to Phil. “This cat has been coming around my apartment for weeks now. I’d love to bring him inside but my dog wouldn’t allow it. He’s super sweet.”

“Yeah,” Phil chuckles softly and finally turns off the video, continuing to pet the cat who is apparently named George. “You said his name was George? Why George?”

“Oh,” the man chuckles. “I’m a Harry Potter fan. I saw the orange hair and thought of Weasley.”

“I see,” Phil says. “Do you think George would come with me?”

“He follows me all the time when I walk my dog, so I’d say there’s a good chance. You’re taking him in?” Dan asks, with a bit of hopefulness in his voice.

“If he’ll let me, then yes, I’d really like to. I’ve been waiting for the cat distribution system to give me a cat for years, ever since I kept seeing all those TikTok’s of other people getting lucky,” Phil chuckles.

“Not to sound really creepy or anything, but… why don’t I walk you back to your apartment? Maybe he’ll follow us. I’ve been feeding him for weeks, but has never let me pick him up,” the man says.

Phil hesitates, because he doesn’t know this man. He’s a total stranger. Just because he seems nice, it doesn’t mean anything. “Uhm,” he begins. “You promise you’re not like… a serial killer or anything?”

He snorts in response, clearly surprised. “I’m not. I promise. Just one of your neighbors who loves cats, animals in general really. Maybe I should tell you my name. I’m Dan. Dan Howell,”

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Dan. I’m Phil,”

“Pleasure’s all mine. We should start heading to yours before it gets too dark,” Dan suggests.

“Right, yes. We should do that,” Phil agrees, and he looks down at the cat. “Come on George. Want to follow us? I promise I’ll get you out of this cold. You’ll have a nice bed, plenty of toys, and good food.” 

Dan and Phil slowly start walking with each other, Phil leading the way obviously. After a quick moment, Phil stops to turn and look to see if George has followed them. Unfortunately, he’s still wandering about in the same area, not following them in the slightest, which unsurprisingly disappoints Phil. His heart is totally set on taking George home with him. The cat is sweet, and seems super friendly.

“Hmm. That’s interesting. Usually he’s willing to follow me everywhere I go. Hey, I’ve got an idea. Why don’t I go get Meeko? George loves following me around when I have Meeko,”

“Meeko? That’s cute. Let me guess, you’re a Disney fan too?” Phil asks, grinning.

“Duh,” Dan replies, and grins right back at Phil. “I’ll be right back.”

“Okay. I’ll be here, I guess,” Phil says, and watches as Dan walks away, heading towards the apartment building. Phil stares at George for a moment before bending down, and starts calling him over. “Come on, sweet boy. Come here. I promise I’m not going to hurt you. I want to help you.” Phil smiles as soon as George finally starts walking over to him, and Phil can’t help but chuckle when the orange cat starts rubbing against his leg, purring and begging for more attention. “That’s a good boy.”

After a few more moments, Phil finally hears footsteps. He looks up and sees Dan walking towards him, this time with a leashed dog. Phil’s eyes widen when he sees that Dan’s dog is a shiba inu, which is definitely not what he expected the dog to be. “Wow. What a gorgeous dog,”

“Thanks. I was always obsessed with shiba inu’s as a kid. Come on, Meeko. Follow me,” Dan says, and he chuckles. “We’re not going our usual walk, so I’m sure he’s wondering what the hell is going on.”

“I promise it won’t be long. I’m just a bit that way,” Phil says as he points towards his apartment building, and he stands again. “Let’s see if it works. I would really like to take this little guy in tonight.”

“Yeah, that would be nice. It’s going to start getting cold soon, and I’d hate for him to have to spend winter outside,” Dan says as he starts walking. Phil walks as well, leading the way to his apartment. He’s pleased when George starts following them. In fact, George follows them all the way to Phil’s apartment building.

“Well, here I am,” Phil says, and he walks up the small set of stairs, he walks up to his door and unlocks it. He opens the door, and he laughs when George just walks right in. “Well, that was easy!”

“I think he knew,” Dan says, grinning. “I’m glad George found a good home.”

“Thanks for the help. Here,” Phil digs his phone out of his pocket and unlocks it before handing it to Dan. “Put your number in. I’ll update you on how George is doing. You know, settling in.”

“Thanks,” Dan says, and hands Phil his phone back after putting in his phone number. “Have a good night.”

“You too,” Phil says, and he looks down, chuckling when he sees George waiting for him. “Alright. Let’s go.” He looks at Dan one last time before walking into the apartment, allowing George to walk in, before shutting the door and locking it. He takes a deep breath. “Holy shit.”

Phil spends the rest of the night trying to get George settled in. He doesn’t have any supplies, but he already knows that he’s going to go out in the morning to buy everything George needs. Luckily, it’s late, and as soon as Phil got into his bed, George laid right there with him. Phil can only imagine how exhausted the cat must be, fighting for its life and surviving on the streets.

The next few weeks go by in a blur. Phil spends most of his time working at his coffee job, and then going home and taking care of George. He has friends over, but that’s about it. Phil doesn’t have much of a social life, really. But, he was never one to be social anyways. He’d rather hang out with his cat. Phil texts Dan small updates on George every once in a while, or sends him a picture or two, as promised.

Of course, that is until he runs into Dan Howell again. They bump into each other at the mailboxes.

“Oh, hi. Phil, right? It’s been awhile since I’ve last seen you,” Dan says.

Phil chuckles, nodding in agreement. “Yes, it has been. How have you been?”

“Busy, but good. How are you? How’s George?” Dan asks.

This is your chance, Phil. Be brave. “Well, maybe we could talk about it over lunch? You like coffee?”

“I can’t say I’m much of a coffee guy, but I’m certainly not going to miss an opportunity to have lunch with a hot guy like yourself. I know of this sick burger joint that just opened a few months ago. You in?”

Phil’s eyes instantly light up, and he nods eagerly. “That sounds perfect. What do you say… one thirty?”

“One thirty would be great. I’ll text you the directions to the place. I’ll see you at one thirty,”

“It’s a date!” Phil grins, and finishes grabbing his mail and heading back to his apartment. Phil has a date to get ready for after all, and this is the first date he’s gone on in over a year. He’s not screwing this up.

[femmmie]

The Edge

I've written this phanfic for @dapg-otmebytheballs as part of the @phandomgiftexchange. I was so excited when I saw I got to write for you. You're one of my favorite phan blogs!! I really tried to make it more angsty, but Dan and Phil are radiating so much love and general joy that I just couldn't.. I hope you still like it though!!

Genre: angst, fluff

Words: 1.508

AO3 link

Excerpt: "Dan gasped as a tall, ruffled haired and bespectacled angel of a man appeared. With his goofy smile. With his mismatched socks, his anime shirt and his horrifically printed pajama pants. His eyes reflected the last rays of sunlight with a sparkling sea of blue and green. How Dan loved this man."

The early sunset bestowed a pink hue upon the white walls. They were the walls of an incredibly expensive London house. A long shadow moved up and down the large living room. Dan was pacing, mumbling loudly.

"I know it's what I want but what I want is not necessarily the right thing, maybe, maybe it is, but they said that I should carve out my own path but I just want to be with Phil and make videos with Phil and be with Phil more hours of the day, I need it to be 24 or I might go insane tALKING TO MYSELF AGAIN…"

His ramblings continued as he paced faster and faster. "The solo tour was fun, but it was also terrible. I don't want to be away from Phil, I need -" Dan called out: Phil? PHIL??

Muffled footsteps came down the stairs. Dan gasped as a tall, ruffled haired and bespectacled angel of a man appeared. With his goofy smile. With his mismatched socks, his anime shirt and his horrifically printed pajama pants. His eyes reflected the last rays of sunlight with a sparkling sea of blue and green. How Dan loved this man.

"Is it time to make dinner already?"

"You know what, that's a good idea, Phil."

"I could make us noodles," Phil replied as he opened (but didn't close) some of the kitchen's cabinets.

"Singapore noodles!" Dan said excitedly as the lights automatically turned on. They were a friendly orange and Dan smiled, content with the layout and the atmosphere of the room. It was exactly what he had hoped it would be, all those years ago when they were designing their forever home.

"Wanna make it together?"

"I'll chop the vegetables, I am concerned for both our safeties if you have a knife in your hands."

"Hey!" Phil chuckled and pushed Dan lovingly.

As they were cooking, Dan blurted it out.

"Phil, the whole solo career isn't working."

"What do you mean?" Phil looked at Dan, his ginger eyebrows raised in concern.

"I mean, it was a nice idea, having my own shows, tour and stuff. But…" Dan sat down at the kitchen table.

"Phil," he said, voice strained. "I am still not living my truth! What use is it to be independent, if I can only show half of myself? I did a whole bloody series on my own. Do you know which episode i like the most? The one with you! Actually, it's the only episode i like to be honest. I was so sure, Phil, of wanting to be independent… but now, I'm quite certain in the opposite direction."

Phil sat down beside him. He looked at Dan and laid his hand on his shoulder. "I just want you to be happy, Dan," he said. And it was the truth. How hard had he tried all these years to make Dan happy… He loved this curly haired, doe-eyed man so dearly, but he couldn't fight all his battles for him. The solo tour had probably been good for Dan. Or so Phil had thought. Apparently, it was still not what Dan wanted.

"Okay, we'll figure it out," Phil said, rubbing Dan's arm. The touch of Phil's hand was so important. So reassuring. It walked Dan back from the edge in his mind, to a more centered, peaceful place.

Suddenly, a sharp odor filled their nostrils.

"The noodles!" They screamed in unison as they jumped up and ran towards the stove.

"Well, those are ruined," Dan said, as Phil cleaned out the burnt pieces from the pan.

"So, now what?"

Dan and Phil looked at each other and said at the same time: "pizza!"

Dan got out his phone and ordered their favorite kind. "Half and half, large, original crust, Texas barbeque and the Sizzler. … What do you mean you don't have the Sizzler anymore? What?! Oh. Okay, well then, never mind." Dan hung up. "What the fuck! They don't have the Sizzler pizza anymore?"

"Dan, don't you remember? I made a big deal out of this, like, months ago."

"Oh, oh my god, you're right… How could I forget such an important piece of Phil-lore! Sometimes it's like I don't remember recent events, you know? Like, how is it 2023? It should be at MOST 2014. When I am in my head, right, I'm always on the edge of totally spiraling about these things."

"Yes, Dan, I know. You'll be on the ground again, moaning and groaning. OWW MY HEAAAD!"

"Shut up." Dan scowled fondly at Phil, who was laughing that ridiculous tongue-laugh that drove Dan wild.

Phil got out his phone and ordered Indian food instead. When it arrived, he got up to answer the door. Dan had retreated into a mood. Whenever that happened, it was best to just leave him alone and let it pass. They silently ate their food at the kitchen table.

As the weeks went on, Phil sensed that Dan was thinking about something. He would indeed lay on the ground, but it was more meditative than agony. Phil never wanted to influence Dan's free will, of course, but he did hope that Dan would soon make a decision.

It was late, and London was shrouded in a deep fog. Dan however, felt absolutely clear-headed.

Phil was absent-mindedly browsing on his phone on the living room couch. Dan suddenly pranced into the room and said:

"Phil, I want our gaming channel back. Wow, it feels really nice to have finally admitted that."

Something moved under the surface of Phil's eyes. He got up and looked at his beautiful cat boy.

"Are you sure, Dan?"

"Yeah." Dan sat down next to Phil and traced his arm from his shoulder to his hand, and took it in his.

"No, but are you really sure? I thought you had moved away from that particular branding."

"Fuck branding, Phil! It's our channel, it's our thing. Can't we do with it what we want? By the way, I was thinking about my last tour today, and when I saw our fans again, I realized something. They are unhinged, oh God. But I feel like we have built something special with them. They know this. We know this. We know they know. We can make Dan and Phil Games whatever we want it to be. Think about it, it would be like the Super Amazing Project but with a higher quality and one hundred percent us."

Dan looked into the deep pools of Phil's soul, that were his eyes. He saw excitement there. They both laughed.

"Phil… it's been so healing to see our actual audience. Yes, they are rabid, but they are also people who watched us for all these years, you know? Doing videos with you is kind of the foundation of our relationship anyway, and yeah, there have always been followers and subscribers, way too invested in our lives. But at the same time, they've been there with us all this time. They are the emo kids who looked at your zany video's and thought "yes, this is good shit." Well, so did I! And I still do. So, I was thinking… And I feel like we are at a point now, where we could just stop giving a fuck. We could just be our true selves. And not care! Phil, I can feel it. We're on the edge of something special, a new chapter in our lives. One that we write, ourselves."

Phil squeezed Dan's hand. "So, you're finally ready, aren't you?" He gave Dan a smoldering look. This took Dan aback , even though it shouldn't, as they had lived together for all of these years. But every time Phil pulled something like this, Dan would blush and be overcome with want and desire.

"Phil… I am so ready."

"Then let's do it. I am so happy you've come around to the idea! I mean, finally, I've been pitching this exact thing for years, but okay!" He laughed his dorky laugh again and caressed Dan's cheek. "I love you, you know that, right?"

"I do," Dan said while looking up at Phil. Dan did this often: even though he was the tallest of the two, he would slouch so as to be able to look up, and be the 'shorter' one, just like when they had first met. Phil could never resist him like this. Dan's eyes were warm, dark and inviting. It was exhilarating.

"You know what we should do, to celebrate this decision?"

Dan still looked up to him, caramel eyes conveying anticipation.

"We should go to Japan. Have ourselves a holiday. We can think about setting up all the business stuff of it after. It's an extra job, after all. Dan, let's escape and enjoy each other, enjoy Japan, then take this plunge back into the thick of it."

Dan jumped onto his lap and kissed him. "Yes, Phil, that would be so lovely. Let's book a flight, but first…" And he kissed him again. "First, I have to appreciate you."

[lyon-amore]

What if…? Duskwood Chapter 11

Chapter 10 ————————————————————————————-  

*Macie POV*

 When I got back from work, Aiden asked me if I see the messages from him. I didn't even know that I had received messages from him.    "Wait a minute..." I try to remember what happened, I found Jake a little weird...    <<So you're interested in me, huh?>>     I don't know why, but the conversation we've had about parkour has been… It seemed to me… I blush at the thought of how ridiculous I sound. Jake still hasn't fully opened up to me, which makes him not fully trust me yet. I wonder if he's in trouble.    “And could I help you, Jake?” I wonder, looking at his profile picture, “Besides Hannah, do you need me too?     I can tell something's up, but I'm not that much of a guess. Years of not using intuition has made it a bit rusty.    "Will you come to trust me so much that you can tell me about it?"

Having breakfast I manage to find a photo of a drawing of a crow in a tree. I send it to Jake, smiling, knowing that I'll be able to see him today too. If there's one thing I know, it's that I don't like getting into other people's problems, but if that problem was about obtaining information, then I couldn't do anything. The problem? That maybe Cleo had gone too far asking Phil Hawkins about Hannah. His response about Hannah being “one of those” made me mad at him. But of course… I don't know Hannah and even if everyone spoke of her as a saint, who knows if she really wasn't? I don't know her personally and well… I don't have an opinion about her to know if she is as they say. Best to keep my personal opinion on this. I ask Richy to talk to Phil about what happened since Jessy and Cleo have argued over it. Meanwhile, on the other side of the chat, I read how Dan tries to make it up to Jessy for not going to the bar on the first day of work with dinner at her favorite restaurant. I think Hannah's job was to keep the group together, because from what I see, they don't stop arguing.    "Why do I feel like a babysitter?" I wonder planting my head on the desk.    “Someone bothering you?” Aiden approaches from behind. Unlike Jake, I have managed to hear his footsteps.    "Problems between friends" I answered without giving it much importance ", never choose a side, it's better to stay neutral."    "Sounds kind of annoying," he tells me, sitting down at my table. "Why do you have friends who fight?"    "There's been a bit of tension lately, don't worry."    "As long as they don't get you in trouble, I think I'll be cool." He really tries. He has a nice smile, but it doesn't quite match Jake's. "You okay? You have turned red."    "Oh! Maybe it's because your smile has impressed me." I lie, I thought of Jake.     He blushes letting out a laugh, but nervous. He looks like he has worked. I just hope it doesn't make me look like a horrible woman.    “Do you want to eat together today?” His voice is tender in the ear. He is totally the typical love interest of any Disney Channel movie.    "I'll see if I can Aiden " I answered, placing my desk a little ", lately I have a lot of work and at lunchtime I focus on getting ahead of a little work."    "You should rest a bit" he sighs, shaking his head ", it's not good to accumulate so much work."    "Thank you for worrying."     At the moment I'm fine, I don't need to rest Today Jake is wearing a black T-shirt and that's when I realize that it seems to be special sports shirts. I guess he wears them for when he sweats running, would make sense.    "I brought dessert this time." I say taking everything out of the bag. "But this time I didn't do it, I still haven't learned how to make desserts and I think… Well, it's better that I never do it."    "You don't know how to cook sweets?" Jake asks me as he leans against the counter.    "No, I would probably eat half the ingredients before starting."     He chuckles and I smile at him.    “I don't think it's good to eat too much sugar.” he says with a sigh.    "Well, it's not good to have too much caffeine either." I countered.     He rolls his eyes with an annoyed noise and I laugh. We are both equal in addictions.    "I know what the photo is," I say, leaving him heating up the food. "It is the sing of the raven."    "Does that have something to do with the legend that you mentioned?"    "I’m actually sure of it."    "I am going to sit back on this one and put in your hands."     Mister 'I don't like legends' leaves me with the job, perfect.    "I appreciate that."    "I would suggest showing the picture to your friends."    "I know what to do."    "Ok, very well then."     I pick up my phone and hit the 'Legends of Duskwood' group, sending the photo to Jessy and Richy to discuss the photo. *Jake POV* 

The fact that she likes legends is a point in favor that she can see everything from two different perspectives. I read the conversation while I eat. The friendship between Jessy and Macie seems good, she has done well to get someone in the group to have good confidence, and with her she can get information from her. Richy seems a little skeptical of her, I was a little annoyed that he said he liked Macie and she told him that she likes her, why did he do it? It doesn't seem like she shows interest in him, rather the opposite. 

Macie looks focused as she talks on the phone, her expression distracting me from the screen. Also, she gets so distracted talking that she still hasn't eaten.    "Your food is going to get cold." I say somewhat worried.    “Yes, daddy."     I nearly choked on my food hearing it. I see how she smiles without looking up from the screen, she really likes to make me nervous.  I see Richy's last words, that the image has been achieved thanks to me. It seems rather doubtful about my involvement in all this.    "He really doesn't like you" Macie looks at me somewhat uncomfortable "I'm so sorry..."    "Well, I'm not interested in being his friend either, I'm just investigating Hannah's disappearance," I reply without much importance. "It's also not like I like Richard too."    "Richard?"    "That's his name."    "Well, yes, but…" I see her make faces, as if she were holding back her laughter.    "What's the matter?"    “No, nothing."     I watch her trying to figure out what she's thinking. It's hard for me, but has she noticed? Will she know that upset me?    "Cat or dog?" she asks me, pulling me out of my thoughts.     I imagine she does it to get information about me. Likewise, I have never had the opportunity to have pets, so I cannot answer in a specific way.    “I guess cats.” I reply.    "Let me guess, because you wouldn't have to leave the house and be on the computer all the time?" She laughs.    "I could also say dogs and thus race the two of us together."    "Oh, how cute..."    "I know what you're trying to do," I point at her with the cutlery and she blinks, "you love to ask me unimportant questions and then get information out of me."     Her smile is mischievous. I think I did wrong to say it.    "Do you pay attention to my methods?"    "I pay attention to everything you do." I answered quickly.     Why did I say that? Maybe she'll think I'm weird. Macie doesn't answer me, on the contrary, I see a slight blush on her cheeks and she continues eating in silence. I walk her to the door when we finish eating dessert. Macie puts her hand on the doorknob, but she looks at me before leaving.    “Favorite movie?” she asks me.    “What?”    “I'm not asking you something personal, Jake.” she tells me, annoyed ”Favorite movie.”     I keep thinking for a moment. There are several movies that I like, now I don't know how to choose one.    “I don't have any in particular.” I says, still thinking. ”Let's say 'Legend' works for you?”    “'Legend', written down” She laughs ”, a bit ironic, don't you think?”    "Will you ever stop laughing at me?"    “I'm not laughing at you, I find it funny” I sigh bringing my hand to my face and she continues ”The man who doesn't believe in legends, like the movie 'Legend'.”    "They're clearly two different things," I replied, crossing my arms. "Why do you want to know?"    "Nothing." Her smile of hers makes me feel warmth through my body.     I control myself not to tell her to stay a little longer. I know that she has a life behind this apartment.    “See you soon Macie.” I say finally, squeezing my hand tight.    "See you soon, Jake." She opens the door, walking out with a smile.     The house is silent without her. I shouldn't get used to this, but the more I think about her, the more I want her to stay. She would never accept me if she knew the truth.

 I look at all the clues so far, trying to come up with my own theories, but the more I think about it, the more my thoughts end up with her.

I imagine her writing new tracks, I can't read them, but when she turns around, she flashes me a smile. When she leaves, it is the smell of her perfume that stays. She makes it worse. She makes me drunk. She makes me unable to get her out of my head. It's like a spell, as ridiculous as it sounds since I don't believe in such nonsense, but it's like she has a spell on me. It's strange, despite the fact that I already had a girlfriend in the past, this feeling is totally different. As if she has completely gotten inside me and I can't let go or rather, I don't want to. But I know that one day I will have to.    << It does not work. It would not work. It will never work>>     These are the rules I tell myself to remind myself not to think about Macie.

 Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to work.   As night falls, I see a chat jump between Jessy and Macie. I hope there is new information. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

Jessy Aaah, I need urgently your help 😩

 Macie Now? I was watching a movie 🥺

 Jessy Please  🙏

 Macie Ok Jessy ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 She sends her two photos of her in different clothes and I find out it's for her date with Dan.

 I get more upset when Jessica tells her to have a virtual date, what is she about? Macie doesn't seem to want to because of how he responds, but she agrees to talk to her if she doesn't want to go out with the guy she's dating. It doesn't seem like Jessica knows about personal space even on the phone. Macie takes time to answer because she's watching the movie, I wonder what she's watching.    "It won't be… ” I'm tempted to activate her rear cell phone camera and see if it's the one I told her this afternoon.     I watch the program for a while. No... I respect her privacy. If Macie finds out that I've also been spying on her on camera, I'll lose all her trust and she might hate me. Later she has another conversation with Dan. Another one who wants to ask Macie out for a drink. Why is everyone so interested in her now? Just because Jessica stood you up doesn't mean you have to replace her, Daniel and in your drunken state, I wouldn't let you near her.    <<Well, it's Macie who should decide, right?>> 

The conversation continues and Macie manages to get him to talk. Apparently Thomas thinks Hannah was cheating on him with someone who gave her a bracelet with the initials J.H. I smiled proudly as he read the initials.    "Jessica Hawkins." Part of me is wishing she was the kidnapper, it's too suspicious of her, her behavior so friendly with Macie. I'm sure she's hiding something. She is our culprit. "You can't hide anymore, we got you." 

And this desire for Jessica to be the kidnapper isn't fueled by jealousy.

Chapter 12 

[succubusphan]

Two Man Team - Chapter 11

Summary: This is the story of two struggling friends who after many trials and tribulations find their way back to each other and build the life they've always dreamed of.

Or how Phil changed his life by talking to random strangers on the internet.

Rating: E

Tags/warnings: Friends to lovers, Friends with benefits, mental health issues (mainly anxiety), Slow burn, Dan is a psych student. Canon divergence (the timeline is altered and some things never happened), Slutty Phil, Angst with a happy ending. The fic spans many years.

Author's Note: Written for the OSPBB 2023 @oldschoolpbb. Thank you @effingmeteors for being my life saviour and beta as usual and to my artist Lin @anironsidh.

Edits and the art will be added at some point, we are busy bees.

POSTING EVERY DAY UNTIL IT'S COMPLETED.

Total Word Count: 75k ish

Read on Ao3

CHAPTER 11: Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien

Phil hesitated, not knowing how Dan would react to the news. Actually, he was fairly certain that Dan would have a breakdown and bolt out the door. Phil’s breathing got away from him and he started panicking.

“It’s alright. Look at me,” Dan said, holding his hands gently. “Look at me, I’m here, you’re safe. Everything will be ok.”

Phil tried to match Dan’s breathing, but it took him a few minutes to finally be able to take a deep breath and release it slowly. 

“Better?” Dan asked.

Phil nodded but pressed his forehead to Dan’s still trying to breathe normally. He wanted to cry. He couldn’t lose Dan again.

“Can you tell me what happened?” Dan tried.

Phil shook his head no, but Dan pulled away and cupped his cheeks, looking into his eyes with worry. 

The tears finally rolled down Phil’s cheeks and Dan looked horrified. He pulled Phil into a tight hug and rubbed circles on his back. “Please, please, tell me what’s wrong. Is your family alright?”

Phil nodded but still didn’t let Dan go. “S-sorry,” he said, for making Dan worry.

“It’s ok.”

“Please don’t leave,” Phil said, letting out a small sob and feeling pathetic about it - and about the begging.

Dan let go and looked at him in confusion. “I won’t leave, I promise!”

Still, Phil continued to cry but had the good grace of finally giving Dan his phone. He searched in Dan’s face for any signs of anger, regret or panic but Dan was just dumbfounded, his eyebrows raised.

“I shouldn’t have gone, I’m so sorry!” Phil mumbled shakily.

Dan looked up from the phone and into his eyes before staring into space for a few minutes. Perhaps it was only a few seconds but to Phil it felt like minutes. 

Phil wanted to shake him but instead, he grabbed fists full of his York hoodie and pulled gently as if Dan was going to slip away at any given moment. 

“Sorry,” Dan said, blinking repeatedly. “I just - I’m surprised they even remember me.”

“Of course they do, they have been asking about you for years. They still do!” Phil said with perhaps a bit of bitterness in his voice as he released the fabric.

Dan frowned sadly, lowering his head. He reached for his own phone and logged into Twitter quickly. “Can’t see it here,” he said, but before Phil could suggest anything, Dan slapped his forehead. “Right, I muted anything related to the ship.” He went into settings and deleted quite a few words to be able to read the tweet and responses. He took a deep breath, bracing himself, and let it out slowly as he began to read. “Fuck, this is why I thought they had forgotten me. I had hoped, but -”

The longer Dan stayed quiet, the more nervous Phil got, until he noticed his expression beginning to change.

In fact, the further Dan read, the bigger the smile on his face got. “It’s so hard to believe that they still care,” he said in wonder before liking one of the responses he’d been tagged in that read “Collab when?” He bit his lip and hesitated. “Should I reply?”

“If you want,” Phil said, with a small smile of his own as he rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand. 

“SOON!” Dan replied and all hell broke loose, but it was not a bad thing. Dan seemed to be taking it well.

“When can we see those theatre acting skills on YouTube? You should be in Phil’s skits!” someone suggested and Dan read it to him. 

Phil thought that was a wonderful idea, so he liked the tweet and looked at him expectantly. 

“Do you really want me to be on your channel again?” Dan asked, his tone soft, almost in awe.

Phil nodded and tried to downplay the importance of a potential Dan feature on his channel or a collab. “If you dare, dani snot-”

“Oh, fuck off!” Dan said, throwing a cushion in his direction.

“Fiyaaaa!” Phil screeched. He was so fucking relieved. 

“I’d love to. I’ll do anything you want.”

“Anything?” Phil smirked.

“Don’t do that,” Dan warned him. “You wanted to go slow.”

“I do! I do! Sorry,” Phil said with a laugh. Pausing, he looked into Dan’s eyes intently. “Are you alright?” he asked, even though what he really wanted to say was ‘Are we alright?’

“Yeah,” Dan replied softly. “I think I am. I am surprised, but I am not panicking at the moment.” 

He pressed a quick kiss to Phil’s lips and when he rested his back against the sofa once again, his lips moved for a few seconds, mouthing something silently. Dan bit his lip but swallowed nervously and asked: “Can you watch something?” he paused. “I was thinking… I should post something before my coming out. I don’t want it to be so sudden, it wouldn’t feel right. I have a few ideas, things I want to talk about.”

“Of course!” Phil said and brought his laptop over. 

Dan logged into his accounts and showed him the first few scenes of ‘Daniel and depression’. 

“I love it! What do you think about adding some skits? We could totally do that.”

“I’d like that.” Dan smiled and let out a little sigh of relief. He also showed Phil his set design for BIG, the codename of his June video.

“It’s beautiful,” Phil said. “But you should probably drop hints about the topic of the video beforehand, I don’t want to get sued for the death toll.”

“Hmm, maybe they deserve it,” Dan said, only half joking. “Alright. I think I know what to do.” He opened his notes up and started writing a script.

“Another video?” Phil said, raising his eyebrows at Dan.

“I’m on a roll, don’t judge,” Dan said and typed the words ‘Trying to live my truth.’

“I would never!” Phil laughed and rubbed Dan’s back reassuringly.

---

Phil gave the new YouTube feature a shot. His contact had basically told him that there could be good money in for him if he posted shorts consistently but Phil was honestly a bit burnt out and he was emotionally consumed by Dan. It was stupid, he knew, to let Dan back into his life and make everything about him so fast, but he couldn’t help it. At least it seemed that Dan was also focusing on him for the most part, that and work.

He sat in front of the blank wall that served as his new filming space, checking the lighting, that all of his trinkets were in order and that the brown bits of his plant were facing away from the camera. The doorbell rang just as he was reaching for the record button and he sighed in frustration until he realised that it was probably Dan.

A big goofy smile made its way into Phil’s lips when he looked through the cameras and buzzed Dan in. He leaned against the door, waiting for Dan to let him know he had made it up. He felt so many butterflies in his stomach, it was stupid, but he didn’t care.

There was a soft knock on the door and Phil pulled the door open, happy to see his smile reflected in Dan’s face.

“What were you up to?” Dan asked, inviting himself in and taking off his shoes.

“Just about to film some shorts,” Phil said dismissively. “It’s a bit boring, but I was promised some money for it, and who knows, maybe they will push my channel a bit more. They didn’t say that, but a guy can hope.”

Dan nodded. “Do you need help?”

“Yeah, I could use some company so I don’t fall asleep in front of the camera or something. Sit on the floor by the camera like you used to?”

“Sure. Always loved being your assistant.” Dan walked over to the “set” and waited for Phil to be ready. When he got the go-ahead, he hit record.

“Hey guys, did you know that my fmalee, female,” he laughed. “Family!”

“Great job, Phil!” Dan laughed but didn’t stop the recording.

“Be quiet, assistant!” Phil joked and completely forgot whatever silly story he was going to tell. He thought about it for a moment and decided that they should work on Dan’s projects rather than his very small ones. “Why don’t we do yours? I have skit ideas for the first video and I thought of some nice shots for the depression one as well.”

“Really? Don’t you need to do these first?” 

“Nah, I can do them later. I just want you to lay down so I can throw food at you.”

“I don’t know how to feel about that,” Dan snorted.

“I was thinking popcorn. That’s for the part when you talk about not wanting to eat. And we can also do a bit where I call you to watch the finale of Game of Thrones and you don’t want to.”

“I wish I could go back in time and not watch that, and that’s not the depression talking.”

“Maybe you have the sight in this bit and that’s why you don’t want to get up,” Phil said. 

“That will be the real story behind the skit in my heart forever.” Dan laughed. “Alright, I like that. What was the shot you wanted for DAD?”

“Dad?” Phil asked, almost choking in his own spit at the thought of Dan calling him that.

“No, D.A.D. Daniel and Depression.”

“Oh, right. You could be in bed with your eyes closed and open them to stare at the camera with empty, soulless eyes.”

“So my normal eyes. Got it. You would have to come by to film me in my bed.”

“I was thinking that you could use my bed.”

“The AmazingPhil room? Dan’s eyes widened. “Wouldn’t people be able to tell?”

“No, the bigger one I actually sleep in now. I only showed that room once and didn’t really point the camera at the bed, but we can go to your flat if you want.”

“If you think it will work well for the shot, we can do it here,” Dan said. “Do you have any decent non-green sheets?”

“Lol, shut up, rat. I’ll have you know I use manly blue and grey sheets now.”

“Ooh! So manly!” Dan laughed.

“Very!” Phil laughed. “So, where do you want to lay like a dying slug first, the bed or the sofa?”

“Hmmm, the sofa?”

“Great. Go to my closet and get some joggers or something comfy while I make the popcorn, don’t worry about it, you will have a blanket on you,” Phil said.

Dan gave him an amused smile and trotted along to the bedroom. Five minutes later he was back in grey joggers and a basic white T-shirt. 

Phil had to curse himself for suggesting grey joggers, they really brought the best out in Dan, so he tried to keep his eyes above the belly button and focus on filming. Once Dan had lay down, Phil threw a blanket on him and did a few shots throwing popcorn on his face while Dan remained motionless. They had to alternate with the ones where he was called and just rolled over or buried himself under the blanket because Dan kept eating the popcorn and Phil had to keep making more. 

Once they confirmed that they had what they needed, they went straight to the bed and stripped it bare, choosing different bedding for the take. A moody charcoal grey set was perfect for it and it matched Dan’s colours. If Phil angled it right, nobody would be able to tell it was his bed.

Dan decided to take his top off before getting into bed to be more accurate and Phil tried very hard not to stare, checking the exposure on the camera for a bit. When Dan told him that he was ready, it was time for Phil to basically walk over him and film him from above. It took them a few tries and Phil almost fell on Dan and probably cracked his ribs, but they got it. Dan seemed to really like the idea and promised to use it. 

“Ok, so that’s what I had planned,” Phil finally said.

“Wait, I have a few ideas to add. Do you have cereal and yoghurt? Like the thick Greek kind?”

“Yeah…” Phil answered.

“Ok, and birthday decorations?”

“That’s pushing it a bit but I have like a few party hats and candles.”

“Great, let’s do this,” Dan said. “By the way. I just saw a hilarious clip of you messing up on that gas leak video in your sd card. You should post it to shorts.”

Phil considered it briefly; that would save him a lot of work. “I have quite a few bloopers. It could be a lessamazingphil video.”

“Definitely.”

---

May 2017

As June got closer and closer without an end in sight for the BIG project, Phil suggested that Dan focus on his other videos, the ones that would serve as an introduction for his magnum opus. 

Dan was still very complicated about what month each video could be posted on, so his coming out was reserved for June of 2018. It was not an easy decision. He’d expressed how he feared giving himself more time to work on it would result in him freaking out about it and having to scrap the entire project, but Phil reminded him that he would be there to support him and that each person had their own time. There was no need to rush.

And so it began.

This obviously meant that Phil had to push his own coming out video to the following year, which made Dan feel very guilty, but Phil told him that it wasn’t a big deal to him, it hadn’t been for years since he was not in the closet exactly, not to those close to him at least. 

Dan continued to support Phil on his projects as he stressed on his own and even helped him move out of his iconic flat into one that would have less of a stalker problem and that would allow him to have a better work/life balance. They even snapped a few pictures but Phil decided to keep them to themselves. It was then that Phil finally felt confident enough to evict his fringe and change it into a quiff, which got him a lot of praise from the viewers, but most importantly, from Dan.

During the rest of the year, as Dan began to post videos and dared to be more vulnerable with his audience, the views and subscribers started to grow and grow fast. Dan was a bit nervous at first but also excited to be able to share his personal growth and use his platform to help people as much as possible. He knew how much representation mattered because he saw none growing up. He wanted to be there for people, discussing serious topics in his classic style, full of dark humour but toning the self-deprecation down. 

A part of this new era on Dan’s career included a very necessary rebranding, finally letting go of his danisnotonfire persona and being Daniel Howell, the person. Letting people see the real him and being loved for it did wonders for Dan’s self-esteem and helped him get even closer to Phil since his insecurities had been a big part of their problems in the past.

Dan posted a string of related videos and the mini (unofficial) series was a success. It was a trifecta; the perfect storm. The first one was about his self-discovery journey and him trying to learn what he wanted to do with life, the second one was about his depression and mental health in general and in June of 2018 came the big finale of the series: Basically I’m Gay.

June 2018

On the day BIG was set to be posted, Phil declined Dan’s invitation to watch it together. Not that he hadn’t watched parts of it before, but he knew how heavy the script was, and Dan hadn’t wanted to show him the full video before posting, so this would be the first time he would hear some parts of Dan’s story and he knew it would break his heart into a million pieces and potentially make him cry like a child.

As soon as he saw the tweet, he clicked on the link, his hands shaking, and hit play, letting Dan’s voice captivate him and let him into his mind. Dan looked so confident and beautiful with his black sequin jacket and the rainbow lighting switching during the entire video like a soft gay halo. Things started somewhat sad but as the story progressed into Dan’s teen years, Phil knew it was only going to get worse. He let out a choked sob when Dan spoke about that night so many years ago, when Phil had missed his calls, the time Dan had almost -

He didn’t want to think about a world without Dan. He had imagined that was what Dan had hinted at at the time, but a part of him hadn’t wanted to believe it; especially because Dan had tried to reach out and Phil had been out getting drunk and almost lost him entirely.

He felt incredibly guilty, but at the same time, he knew that he shouldn’t focus on that and make the video about himself. Instead, he clicked back a bit and really paid attention to what Dan had to say, to understand more of his pain and be able to support him.

The end of the video gave Phil a great inkling of where Dan’s journey was at the moment and what he wanted and needed to do. He would try his best to make that happen for him. He shot Mark a quick text asking him for tickets to Noah’s drag show and scrolled down to see the interactions.

Phil could only hope that the comments under the video specifically would be good and supportive; if this video tanked or got a bunch of negative comments, it could hurt Dan’s healing on the topic and probably ruin their new friendship - relationship? They still hadn’t addressed that and it was probably still too soon to do so.

Thankfully, the response was overwhelmingly positive and Dan was even featured on YouTube’s front page. The video was in every recommended box and other youtubers, past and present, supported him and listened to his story carefully.

Shortly after Dan started replying to people, Phil wrote very carefully a tweet of his own, mentioning how proud he was of Dan and letting the viewers know that he may have a video coming as well.

Opening Twitter was something else. He was so glad he hadn't seen the video before and was a part of everyone's experience now. There were tears and excitement and more gifs than you could count about having Dan back and getting to know him all over again and the person he was now. ‘Dan Howell’, ‘Phil’ and ‘Dan and Phil’ were trending worldwide. Yes, Dan and Phil were still Dan and Phil but they were also two separate entities with different goals and approaches to things. And people seemed to be aware of it already.

He was so proud of Dan and so proud of the little goblins that enjoyed their videos for trying to avoid hurting Dan’s feelings or being offensive. It hadn’t always been like that in the past, but it now seemed that the viewers had grown quite a bit as people as well; or perhaps the bad ones had gotten bored and left, it was hard to tell.

Phil grabbed his phone again to send Dan a text but before he could send it, his doorbell rang. Not his actual external doorbell, but the one right outside his flat. His heart crawled up to his throat as he walked to the door and looked out the peephole but it was entirely pitch black.

“Boo!” Dan said, almost killing him of a heart attack. He stepped away from the door snickering.

Phil opened the door and swatted at his arms before dragging him inside by his shirt. “Idiot. How did you even get up here?”

“A pretty girl asked me who I was looking for and I said you so she let me in. She was flirty,” Dan said with a smirk.

Frowning, Phil thought who the skank would be… “Blonde, fried ends with lips too big for her face?”

“I guess,” Dan shrugged.

“I guess she’s pretty, if you’re into that.”

“Awww, don’t be like that. She let me in to see you. Don’t be jealous.”

“What if you were a killer?” Phil asked, poking Dan’s chest with his finger.

“I don’t think I look like a killer,” Dan laughed.

“Exactly, so you would get away with it easier,” Phil said. “I have a spare key, you can have it.” He hadn’t really thought about it until then, but that was actually a big step. Dan had never had a key to his place. Was it the right time? He paused until he saw Dan’s smile widened and his hand extending, expecting the key to be placed on it. He grabbed it from the console table and gave it to Dan.

“Thank you,” Dan said. “That would be very helpful. And if someone kills you, I can find your body first.”

Phil narrowed his eyes at him. “Don’t get any ideas,” he said in mock offence and walked down the hallway, plopping himself down onto the grey sofa.

“This sofa needs a good crease to be more ergonomic,” Dan commented, as he sat down and shuffled in place to get more comfortable. 

“You’ll have to come by more often and create it yourself.”

Dan opened his mouth to answer but saw Phil’s laptop open on the coffee table, still on his video. He looked at Phil expectantly. “Well?”

“It was amazing. It’s my favourite video that you’ve ever made. Very raw and honest, sad at times and very funny.”

“Thank you,” Dan said. “Your tone changed, you were chirpier. Did the mention of our story bother you or…”

“No!” Phil said, sitting upright, his hands picking at the fluff balls on his pyjama pants. “Of course not, and you had shown me that part anyway.” He paused, considering his next words very carefully. “It just brought me back to that week when you wouldn’t answer my messages or calls after I went out and missed yours. I remembered the panic and the worry, and then when you half told me what had happened and I tried to make myself believe that it was not what you meant because I didn’t want to think about losing you. It was a scary week.” He cleared his throat to avoid getting choked up and tried to blink his unshed tears away.

“I’m sorry to have worried you like that.” Dan reached his hand towards Phil and Phil immediately took it. “I’m glad that my grandma was there for me and gave me a place to stay while I recovered from that ordeal,” he said. “I’m glad that I’m here now, with you. I couldn’t have done it without you, even back then when we were just internet friends. Most days talking to you was all I could look forward to. You were the only positive influence in my life.”

Phil didn’t know what to say, so he just pulled Dan into a hug and rubbed his back. “I’m so glad that you’re here,” he whispered, his voice cracking. “I’m so proud of you.”

“Thank you,” Dan said, returning the hug. “And thank you for giving me a second chance. No matter what, you will always be my best friend.”

“That’s true. No matter what,” Phil said and pressed a small kiss to Dan’s cheek, feeling him smile and seeing his little dimple make an appearance.

---

That Saturday, Dan came over to get his outfit checked before they headed to the drag show. He was nervous as that would be his first outing to a gay establishment after his official coming out. 

Phil had no idea why Dan wanted his approval. His fashion sense was immaculate and he had worked hard on curating a very nice closet. In short, Dan looked fucking hot, stunning, divine, and Phil tried very hard not to say that, and just give him an appropriate amount of praise. On the other hand, Phil suspected that what was making Dan so nervous was meeting Mark again after what went down between them and the fact that Mark had it out for him. On that aspect, Phil didn’t know if Dan was terrified of being judged or just outright jealous of Mark. It was no accident that after over a year from the day Dan and Phil hit reset on their friendship, Dan and Mark had not shared space at all.

“Maybe I should change, I have another shirt in my backpack. I just need to iron it,” Dan said and reached for his bag.

Phil pulled him by the shirt and gave him a slow kiss, effectively shutting him up. “What’s going on in here?” he asked, tapping on Dan’s forehead.

“What do you mean?” Dan asked, playing coy.

Phil just raised his eyebrows at him. “Why are you so nervous?”

“I haven’t seen Mark in years, the last time he saw me I looked stupid, he hates me and he’s really hot and his partner too. Also, they are out and have been since like 2008 or something and I’m just here, I feel like I’m on my gay training wheels.”

Phil rubbed his arms gently. “I know why you say that, but you have come out to some people before, right? You had a boyfriend.”

Dan looked down in shame. “I never introduced him to anyone because I was too scared. We just hung out with his friends but I never actually took him anywhere.”

The silence that hung between them made Dan finally look back at him.

Phil must have given him a shocked look because Dan’s face fell immediately, his expression was very defensive.

“I wasn’t ready to be out,” Dan said, trying to justify his actions. “I know it was bad to get him into that situation, that’s why I apologised so much to him. He was right to break up with me.”

“I mean… It is a very complex situation but he did agree to date you under those circumstances,” Phil said, carefully considering the matter and wondering if he would have accepted those terms himself. “You did things in your own timeline and nobody can fault you, at least for that part of the story.”

“He said that I was a disaster and he doubted my ability to help LGBTQ+ people as a therapist given that I hadn’t worked through my own trauma or come out to anyone and I wasn’t really living the way I wanted,” Dan said. “That hurt me a lot, but I can’t say that he was wrong. Even if it’s easier to see other people’s mistakes and to know what they should do from the outside, I hadn’t gone through what I would probably advise them to do.”

“A valid point,” Phil conceded. “Expressed in quite a cruel way, but given that it was a breakup and that he knew you were trying to speak to me again… I understand.”

“Yeah, yeah. Of course, I understand,” Dan said.

Phil gave him a quick peck on the lips and smiled reassuringly. “We should go,” Phil said, looking at the time on his phone. “I don’t want to get there after the show starts, it’s disrespectful.”

Dan grabbed his jacket and put it on, checking himself in the mirror by the front door. “Alright, I’m ready,” he said but paused. “Does Mark still kiss you randomly?”

“No, of course not. You know he has a boyfriend,” Phil said. “And we haven’t been involved like that since like 2013. It was a mutual decision and to help the change move faster he moved out of the flat that same year. We never looked back.”

“Do you miss it?” Dan asked, biting his lip. “Do you wish it was still like that?”

“No,” Phil said, trying not to lose his patience with Dan. He had his doubts and even if he had chosen a very inconvenient moment to ask them, he deserved full honesty. Phil looked into Dan’s eyes for a moment and thought that another question would be coming but Dan just smiled and let out a happy sigh.

“Alright,” Dan said. “Let’s go.”

By the time they made it to the club, the place was booming but Mark had saved them a table. He was sitting at their usual spot, waving them over and had the good grace of smiling at Dan, which was good since Phil didn’t want to have to murder his friend.

“Hey, Dan. I watched your video today, it was very powerful,” Mark said, patting Dan’s shoulder. “First time out?”

Dan looked at Mark with misty eyes, sneaking a glance at Phil and smiling. “Thank you so much,” he said, placing a hand on his chest. “Yeah, thank you for having me.”

Phil could tell how happy this was making Dan. He was being validated not only by Phil’s friend but by someone in the community that Dan had mentioned he feared would reject him. “Take this chair so you can see the stage better. Noah is so talented! He looks just like Lady Gaga in drag, which is hilarious.”

Dan sat where Phil had indicated, which left him with Phil at one side and Mark at the other. “What are we having?” he asked.

“Fries, obviously and some cocktails or beer,” Phil said. “What would you like?”

“Hmm, a margarita?” Dan smiled.

Phil smiled. Dan still liked his margaritas. “I’ll have one too, but we can let the bar know we want to reserve a bottle of Rosé for when Noah is done.”

“Oh, honey, he told them already. You know how he gets,” Mark said, using his actual unguarded voice.

Dan and Phil’s eyes widened. Dan because he had never heard Mark speak like that, and Phil because he knew that Mark only allowed a very small selection of people to hear him be openly flamboyant. He didn’t care for masculine stereotypes but he did care about giving people things they could mock him for.

“Please welcome Miss Kitty Tattletale!” said the announcer.

“There she is! Woooooo!” Mark yelled and threw a rose at his boyfriend.

“There he is, my husband!” Miss Kitty yelled, pointing at Mark. “Well,” she continued. “He’s not my husband yet, but I know damn well that a ring is coming, or he won’t be coming any time soon!” She said and the crowd laughed. “I’m joking, love. I love you. So how is everyone doing tonight with this shit weather? I almost didn’t have to tuck at all!”

Dan laughed and Mark joined him and patted his hand. Phil smiled. There were few ways faster to Mark’s heart than through praising Noah or enjoying his show.

“I know, I know that being our holy month, we have a lot of newcomers in the house, perhaps people that are fresh out of the closet,” Miss Kitty said. The crowd cheered. “I’m going to ask you to please, cheer, yell and toast to welcome our new siblings, the newest members of our community, to let them know that they are loved and accepted here, no matter what the outside world says. Give it up for the babies!”

The crowd went wild, a few people were patted on the back by their friends. Mark and Phil cheered as loud as they could while Dan smiled so big, Phil thought his face was going to get stuck like that. Dan even rushed to wipe a tear rolling down his cheek but Phil saw it, silently reaching for his hand under the table and lacing their fingers together. Dan leaned in and kissed him on the cheek.

For the first lip sync Noah went for “Born this way” and gave it his all, ending in a full split that reminded Phil just how unfit he was.

By the time the show ended, the three of them were quite tipsy and Dan had gone to the face paint station to get some glitter around his eyes, which suited him beautifully, like most things in life. Noah joined them bare faced and introduced himself to Dan before pulling him into a tight hug, as if they had been great friends for years. “Oh, darling. It’s so good to finally meet you. Phil had you hidden away, but I knew the day would come.” He then walked around the table and took the only available seat, right across from Dan.

“Thank you. I just escaped his basement,” Dan joked.

“Did he have you all tied up?” Noah asked and without waiting for an answer he laughed. “How kinky! Tell me, Dan, how are you enjoying the attention your video is getting?”

Dan blinked, surprised by the change in topic. “It has been mostly good, so I am shocked. I expected some backlash, or to lose subscribers, that kind of thing, but it was quite the opposite. It has helped me view the world in a more positive light, I guess.”

“I am happy for you. I can tell that you worked hard on your video,” Noah said.

“I also told you that he worked hard on it,” Phil said.

“Some people work for something in a year and you can’t tell, in this case, I could tell because the video was very entertaining but also honest and the script was very eloquent. You know, if you ever want to try drag, I think you would be good at it. Just let me know.”

“I would love that, but I think if I tried to wear heels, I would probably fall to my death,” Dan laughed. “I’m really clumsy.”

“If Phil hasn’t fallen with how many times we got him into a dress, there’s probably hope for you,” Mark said.

Dan smiled and looked at Phil. “Really? How did you like it?”

“It was fun, but tight dresses and heels are not my thing, it makes me feel a bit constricted,” Phil said, but the image of Dan in drag popped into his head and brought out a smile on him. “You would look cute in a skirt though.”

Dan cocked his head, probably considering it, but shrugged. “Maybe.”

Noah tapped on Dan’s shoulder excitedly. “Hey, did Phil tell you we liked your play last year? I’m sorry we couldn’t stay, I was super tired.”

“He did, actually. Thank you so much for coming!”

“Oh, you’re welcome. Oh! Here comes the Rosé!” Noah said. “Let’s make a toast!” He poured Rosé for everyone and raised his own flute. “To living your truth!”

“To living your truth,” they all said. Phil snorted at Noah’s accidental admission to stalking Dan’s channel. He hadn’t expected anything else from his friends.

Dan smiled widely and mouthed a thank you to Phil before shuffling closer to him.

That night, Phil considered inviting Dan to sleep over but he knew how fast things could escalate, especially while they were both tipsy. He thought he was ready, but he wanted to see where Dan stood before things progressed, so they shared a taxi, each getting out at their respective flat.

---

On the last day of June, Phil finally posted his own coming out video. It was short and mostly positive, merely conveying part of his journey as a young gay teen and how that differentiated him from his friend group, and offering a bit of advice to his viewers. People reacted very positively to the video, as much as they did to Dan’s but what really put a smile on his face was cuddling up on the sofa with Dan and answering the array of texts flowing in from the northern gang.

Richie: Congrats Phil! I can’t believe you are out on the internet. I saw Dan’s video too btw.

Phil: Thanks. I’ll never get used to seeing your name as richie. I don’t know a richie.

Anja: Now that he knows lying has consequences he can’t keep the big dick display name. Congrats Phil! 

Sarah: I really loved how short and to the point the video was. And the closet thing too! That was super funny.

Anja: You should have really posted the closet bit only as a joke, but I understand that you care about your art xD.

Richie: Hey! I was just putting Christina to bed and I come back to pure slander. Shame on you Anja!

Ian: I mean… let’s not dwell on that for your sake. Congrats Phil! The wife and kid say hi. 

Phil: Tell them I said hi back. How is Angie?

Ian: Growing faster than I would like to. She made a unicorn with beads for you. It has flaming rainbow hair.

Phil: I want it. Save it for me.

Ian: Isn’t it time for us to get together? It has been way too long. 

Anja: Yes!!!

Richie: Bring Dan. He never bullied me like these roaches.

Ian: I won’t bully you if you bring Christina.

Richie: Deal.

Phil showed Dan his phone and saw his smile widened

“Did you tell them we are together?” Dan asked.

Phil shook his head. “I guess they just assumed.”

Phil: Dan and I are not together.

Sarah: What?

Anja: Phil…

Phil: We are taking things slowly, seeing where we are now. Still working on it.

Anja sent an audio: “Phil I swear to fucking god, it has been years. Get on with it!”

Dan cackled and buried his face in Phil’s neck. “She does have a point.”

Phil: We’re waiting until marriage.

Ian: Can you also invite Mark or would he fight Dan to the death?

Phil: debatable. I’ll get back to you on that.

He laughed and let his phone slide between the couch cushions, choosing to kiss Dan instead of keeping the conversation going.

[sga-owns-my-soul]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

thanks @wonkyelk and @esteefee for the tag!!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

21 currently!

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

27805! which is insane to me

3. What fandoms do you write for?

stargate atlantis 🥰

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Rodney McKay Has Worth (and not just for his brain) and Not Dating, but More Than Friends

Names Have Power

The Scientist and The Soldier

Expressions of Love and Trust

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i try to! i don't always see comments but i definitely try to respond, even it's just to say thanks for commenting i'm glad you enjoyed it! it means a lot to me when people take time out of their day to not only read my fics, but to also leave a comment. i always appreciate it!

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

for posted fics, probably Bludgeoned, it's very angsty and ends with an vague insinuation that rodney may or may not survive his latest off-world incident. for fics in general it's definitely my Bad Timeline au wip where nothing happy happens

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Ronon Gets Mad at Sheppard, i think. i've got a lot of fics with a happy ending but i'm really proud of this one and how it turned out. it was a bit of a challenge bc i don't write ronon very often but it was really fun to get into his character and i'm happy with how things got wrapped up in that one, i think it's a very cute fic

8. Do you get hate on fics?

thankfully, no!

9. Do you write smut? If so what kind?

yesss i love writing smut 🙏🏼 im honestly surprised at how little smut i have on my ao3 honestly, i don't think i even have a kink fic posted which is my favourite kind of smut to write. i should fix that 🤔 (feel free to send me ideas!!)

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

i have written exactly one crossover in my life, i posted it unfinished on wattpad like a decade ago and it was a bones/one direction crossover where the boys got kidnapped by the gravedigger. i think i wrote like 4 chapters total before i abandoned it 😅

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i know of, and i really hope i never do. i have no issues with people sharing my fics but please don't claim it as your own!!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

not that i know of, but i would be so honoured if someone did!!!

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

i'm currently co-writing A Big Project with @the-mushroom-faerie but shhh it's a secret no spoilers

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

this will come as no surprise to anyone but it's mcshep 🥰🥰

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

so i had this idea for a fic about radek visiting rodney everytime he's in the infirmary, and it starts off with like a "hey can you sign off on these things cool thanks bye" but then after the storm he visits him and sees his arm and it progresses to radek getting very sad and stressed every time rodney gets hurt so he visits him in the infirmary. i've written a few scenes for it but it's such a big project that i doubt i'll ever finish it

16. What are your writing strengths?

i'm very very good at writing angst and sadness, probably bc i am a void of angst and sadness 😂

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

endings i'm so bad at endings i can't write endings for SHIT i feel like most of my endings suck lmao i also cannot do technobabble i'm not smart 😂

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

i only speak my bastard native language so i have to rely on other people or google translate so i very rarely do it, but i think it's so cool when other writers can do it!!

19. First fandom you wrote for?

uhhhh i don't remember if it was one direction or dan and phil that i first ever wrote for, i wrote for both of them right around the same time

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

i really love all the fics i've written, both published and unpublished, but i think my absolute favourite fic i've written was this ficlet i posted here for a kiss prompt between ronon and jennifer (i just think it's so adorable and i love them and the little team dynamic/interaction is so sweet it's just so cute okay i love it)

Tags: @the-mushroom-faerie @spurious @frostysfrenzy @colonelshepparrrrd @frankthesnek and anyone else who wants to!!!

[goldenpinof]

(since you mentioned him) i joined the phandom about 6 months after the whole charlie thing, and one thing that confused me to this day is why on earth phil didn't immediately cut ties with charlie afterwards, because if someone tried to out my partner in front of millions of people, that person would be dead to me. but then again, it would have probably been too obvious at that point in time to do that immediately. idk, i just hope he got therapy and became a better person (and maybe even reached out privately to apologise)

good take. but i don't know what should happen for Phil to cut ties immediately with anyone. also, i think the internet was very different back then and Dan was identifying as bisexual, kinda. so by saying that he preferred holding balls Charlie wasn't specifically outing him. it was a joke, a bold one but still a joke, and it could be turned into an even more funny joke, but damn, it escalated pretty fast. that "private stuff" did more damage than balls imo. like, man, you can have a beef on twitter dot com and joke around but there are things that you shouldn't say unless you're a complete dickhead. and yes, Charlie didn't say anything in the end but the fact that he could only because Dan got snappy at some point.. it said a lot. but also they were in their early 20s, very hard times if you ask me. add attention seeking to usual problems with education, jobs, friendships and relationships overall. it's sad that Charlie didn't think that him revealing "private stuff" would hurt not only Dan but also Phil. and Phil was more of a friend than Dan. like, i really think that sometimes people don't think about consequences not because they are bad people but because they are stupid and adrenaline is flowing in their veins, and that was exactly it.

[god-whispers]

apr 11

just what if

"and if he shall come in the second watch, or come in the third watch and find them so, blessed are those servants." luke 12:38 kjv

the tribulation - there is much disagreement among the body of Christ as to whether we will have to go through it or not.  before i go any further in this discussion, i want to state clearly and firmly the i am standing in agreement with the pre-trib believers unless or until i am convinced otherwise.

but let us speculate, just as this daily is entitled - just what if?  what if we do have to go through the tribulation along with everyone else.  there are many strong believers and well schooled theologians who believe we will.  can they all be so wrong and us so right?  joel richardson is one among many.  for those interested, i would point you to his video on youtube.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6u-1oNancqg

now i do not say any of this to provoke apprehension or fear.  we all have some inkling of how horrible the tribulation will be - that no flesh would be saved unless He shortened the days.  i do not speculate either to persuade or dissuade you.  as with all things pertaining to faith, "let each be fully convinced in his own mind." rom 14:5

up until this very time christians have known and gone through persecutions and suffered for their faith, many at the hands of other "supposed" christians.  they have born in their own bodies and shared in the suffering of Christ.  many not in actual physical suffering as much as in self denial of all the lusts the world entices with; their denial of desire so complete they were as good as dead.

why would this, the last generation, be suddenly exempt from so great a grace?  "[for my determined purpose is] that i may know Him [that i may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly], and that i may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection [which it exerts over believers], and that i may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed [in spirit into His likeness even] to His death, [in the hope]." phil 3:10 ampc

so i ask each of you again: just what if?  would your faith suddenly fade along with your hopes of a "rescue?"  what if the wrath we are to be saved from only means the eternal wrath hell offers?  would that not be enough for you?  talk about a great falling away.  we think we see one now, but that would trigger the ultimate one.  to see the anti-christ stand in the temple of God, proclaiming himself as god, and realizing that three and a half years remained for him to "wear out the saints of the most High,... and they shall be given into his hand." dan 7:25 kjv

i'm just saying: even as now we should be prepared for whatever tribulation the enemy has coming towards us through mankind, we should be preparing ourselves for whatever spiritual forces will be coming at us in even greater force - now and the "what if" of tomorrow.  and even if we are allowed an escape from God's wrath poured out in the tribulation, what about the wrath that man (i.e. satan) has determined to pour out on believers before their escape manifests?

all i'm saying is: be prepared!  physically and materially, as much as one possibly can in this world, but be prepared spiritually for sure.  be prepared for your self, for those you hold dear and for the multitude that have gone unprepared which shall now come running to you.  be ready to share what you can - materially as much as possible and spiritually in abundant supply.  their hunger shall not only consist of flesh, but of spirit as well.

every tomorrow is a "what if"  what if this happens or what if that happens.  what if Jesus did call us all home tomorrow?  after all, He's God.  He can do whatever He wants because His wants are always in agreement with the Father's.  are yours?  if He swept us all away tomorrow, would you stand naked and unashamed with your life laid out before Him or is there some sin you would hurriedly seek to cover?

just be sure of all the "what if's."  His blood is readily available now to cover all your sins, just be sure it's applied.  "whom have i in heaven but You?  and there is none upon earth that i desire besides You." psa 73:25  Jesus, come today, come tomorrow, come whenever - just come!