#i hope all the old gays feel very special

[fiveandknives]

I enjoy telling people i prefer old grumpy gays to young giddy ones because it tickled me pink to know we grow old. To know we could get to bitch and just be judged based on our divisiveness as opposed to having it be ascribed to our sexual and gender identities.

I will say I also enjoy seeing grumpy middle aged gays run out of stamina and I enjoy snarky married couples much more to teenage bumbling. I like seeing older man pussy get blown out!

[permanentlyfemale]

⚠️ Feminization, Misgendering, Forced detrans kink ahead! ⚠️

Today is a scary day for you. As a trans man, finding the right therapist is far more difficult than it is for most people, especially as you weren’t looking for just a new therapist today. You also need someone to write you a top surgery letter. Although you’ve only been on T for 2 months, barely enough to notice anything besides an increased libido and clit growth, your breasts are by far your biggest source of dysphoria. You often wear two binders when you’re going anywhere, and even then, a sizable bump is visible on your chest. You’re hoping they may become easier to bind with hormones, but you already know that you’ll need surgery regardless.

“Milo Brown?” A masculine voice calls your name from across the room. Glancing up, you see a very attractive man, much taller than you, looking to be in good shape under his professional attire, but not overly muscular. His dark shoulder-length wavy hair and stubble complement his gentle, masculine face and warm brown eyes.

Surprised by the man’s beauty, you stumble on your words as you rise from your seat. “I- uh- I’m here.”

“Great! Let’s get back to my office.” He smiles warmly and gestures for you to follow him out of the waiting room and down a hallway, passing mostly empty offices on the way. This doesn’t seem too odd, as there was construction on the lower floor. Maybe some patients didn’t like the noise and cancelled? Or maybe you’re trying to distract yourself from thinking of the exceedingly attractive man that may soon be your therapist. You’ve considered yourself gay since coming out, but starting hormones has certainly made that attraction all the more apparent.

As he opens his office door, you’re surprised by how casual it is. There’s a long couch next to an armchair, with a clipboard set neatly on top. His desk is to the side, seemingly ignored while clients were present in favor of a more personal layout. Thinking of something to say as you sat on the couch, you spit out “I like your office.”

“Thank you Milo, I spent a lot of time thinking of the anatomy of the room and how to make my clients most at ease. I find this works best.” He smiles at you, his eyes gentle and enticing. “I’m Dr. Sterling, I specialize in support for LGBT and FTM clients. Nice to meet you! Tell me a but about yourself and what brings you here.”

“My name is Milo Brown, I’m 19 years old, and I just started testosterone. I’ve been out as trans for a while but finally got access to hormones and I’m hoping to get top surgery as well, but I need a letter for it. I also just need support with my dysphoria and depression.” You cross your arms over your large chest self-consciously.

“Well, that’s nothing I haven’t heard before. Can you tell me more about your dysphoria regarding your chest?”

Shifting uncomfortably in your chair, you hesitantly proceed. “Every day is awful! They’re the first thing I think about when I wake up and I go to sleep trying not to feel or think about them. They’re so big and heavy that I feel them whenever I move and it makes me so dysphoric. It’s also impossible to make myself flat, so I never pass. As a gay man, it’s so hard to find a man who would want a guy with a body like mine!”

“Oh, Milo, I think that’s very negative thinking. Plenty of men would find you attractive! I thought you were quite beautiful when I saw you myself.”

You’re surprised by his words! That sounded very flirtatious, but maybe he was just trying to boost your ego. Either way, it made the empty space between your legs tingle when he said it. You also didn’t know he was queer, but it definitely makes you more comfortable with him. “Well… that does make me feel better. I still don’t feel comfortable with my chest though.”

“Why don’t we try something? This is an exercise I’ve done with plenty of my transmasuline patients before, and it has always improved their lives and helped with dysphoria. While we do it, I can assess you for top surgery as well! How does that sound?” He smiled at you expectingly.

“Uhhh… yeah, that sounds good. What are we doing?”

“I’m just going to have you answer some questions about your body and dysphoria. This may get uncomfortable, but it’s all part of this process. I’m sure you can trust me, right?”

“Of course!” You answer instinctively.

“Right. First, I want you to take off your shirt and binder.” He instructs casually.

“What!? I thought we were just answering questions. Is that necessary?” You’re again surprised, he wasn’t a surgeon and you had never shown anyone your chest before. You didn’t want to look at it yourself, much less this beautiful man you’re expecting to see regularly!

“I understand this is surprising and uncomfortable, but I want to understand your perspective on your body, as well as assess the size and density for surgery. I need to know this for the letter, and I understand this is very important to you. I’m sorry for the discomfort, Milo.” He looked at you apologetically, his brown eyes sparkling, staring in to your soul and shooting down between your legs.

“I… okay.” What he was saying did make sense, and you would do most anything for this surgery. Resolving to just get this over with, you take off your oversized hoodie and throw it on the couch next to you. Grabbing both binders at once, you exert a herculean force squeezing yourself out, panting as your huge breasts fly out. You blush with embarrassment as a loud clap can be heard from them swinging together.

Dr. Sterling calmly walks closer to you. “Do you know your cup size?”

“Uh… no, sorry.”

“That’s alright, we can measure now.” He smiles warmly and pulls out some measuring tape. Without hesitation, he walks up to you and wraps it around your chest! He first measures your underbust before moving to measure your bust. His hands rest on your breasts as he does so. “Alright… looks like you have J cups.” His hand brushes your nipple as he backs away.

“Mmph!” Involuntarily, you let out a short, feminine moan. Both the dysphoria of knowing your overwhelming cup size and your accidental vocalization leave you embarrassed and blushing harder than ever.

“It doesn’t seem like you’ve experienced any vocal changes from testosterone.” He observes.

“Umm… not yet, no.”

“It also seems like you have quite sensitive nipples?”

“I guess…”

“Well, have you ever considered embracing your breasts?”

“Huh?” You were confused. They made you sad and dysphoric, how could you ever embrace them? He did say whatever he was doing worked for all of his other transmasc patients, but this seemed absurd.

“Your breast are way too big to bind properly. I’ve seen you wearing two binders in here, and that is not healthy. As your therapist, I can’t encourage you to damage your body in such a way, and especially without two binders, you wouldn’t be able to hide them at all anyways. And why go through the trouble of binding if everyone can tell? It might do you some good to just accept your body as it is. It’s not like whether you bind now will affect surgery.”

Unfortunately, everything he was saying made perfect sense. Even when binding, it was very obvious you had breasts. Why go through all the trouble, especially if it was hurting your body? You were dysphoric either way, might as well be more comfortable physically. “I guess… I guess you’re right.”

“Yes… unfortunately it’s also not very possible hormones could reduce them to a bindable size either.”

This devastated you. Even later on testosterone, you would have obvious breasts? How could you expect anyone to take you seriously as a man? You had hoped to begin passing in public soon, and finally begin living comfortably, but you weren’t so sure now. Would it even be safe to live as a non-passing trans man? Why were you going through so much for hormones if there was no hope of passing before surgery anyways? Maybe you should just wait until then for hormones- no one will gender you right as you are now. “Maybe… maybe I should pause testosterone until surgery then.”

“Yes, I can see why. That might be the safest option for you.” He nodded solemnly. “We can practice some exercises to reduce dysphoria until then, if you’d like.” His frown shifted in to a comforting smile.

Still upset, you nodded.

He moved closer and, before you could react, placed one hand on each perky, round breast, grabbing you by the boobs.

Surprised, you squeaked.

“This is just to get you used to your breasts. It often helps most when someone else does it, so you’re more comfortable with other people seeing them.” He gently squeezed and pulled, running his fingers along your supple breasts, warm palms pressing your hard nipples.

“Mmmmmm-! Oooh!” You let out a series of feminine wails as the doctor palms at your breasts. They were so sensitive and they felt so heavy- so wrong on your body- and yet they sent waves of pleasure throughout your curvy figure.

“Are you still going to go by Milo? I mean, you’re stopping T until surgery because you won’t be able to pass. It would be weird to only keep the name and pronouns, especially for strangers.” His hands shifted to thumb at your nipples.

Your thoughts were flooded with waves of pleasure shooting from your tits. The importance of this decision didn’t fully register, but what he was saying made sense to you. “You’re right.”

“Good girl.”

“Huhh…”

“People are going to refer to you by what you look like. You know you don’t pass. This is just exposure training, okay?”

“Okay…” You mindlessly agree as he moves his head close to your breast.

“See? You are a good girl.” He starts to suck on your nipple, causing you to throw your head back and wail in pleasure. You don’t know when his own clothes came off, but he’s getting on top of you and pulling your pants off, leaving you in just your boxers with his much larger biologically male body pinning you down, suddenly kissing your lips.

“What… what are you doing now, d-doctor…” he cuts you off as you pant your words out.

“The easiest way to adapt to and accept being seen as a woman is to have sex with a straight man, one who can use you as only male can use female. You need this, Amelia. It’s okay.”

Hearing your deadname makes you cringe with dysphoria. You’ve always felt an aversion towards it, despising the femininity it signaled. You struggle to reconcile your attraction to the doctor and trust in his methods to your current panic. This all felt good and sounded logical but it’s happening too fast to react, and these are all such big decisions, and suddenly he’s pulling your boxers off.

“Your pussy is so perfect. You make such a sexy woman.” He rubs the length of his cock along your clit and hole. The distinction between your pathetic nub and his masculine length is obvious. He gropes your massive jiggling breasts, squeezing them together and lowering his head to kiss and suck your nipples as his dick prods your entrance.

“Doctor Sterling…” You moan his name as his assault on your tits grows heavier. He sloppily makes out with your huge boobs, enjoying every second he can get drowning in your massive breasts.

He momentarily pulls his mouth from your tits. “Yes… fuck, Amelia!” He rams his hard cock all the way inside you, hitting your cervix as he moans your deadname, resuming his assault on your massive wobbling boobs all the while.

You scream and wail, unsure if it’s in pleasure or some mix of dysphoria and grief for your lost ambitions. Whatever male identity you insisted on was currently obstructed by your massive tits and the straight man enjoying them as he pounded in to your soft, tight vagina. Anyone who saw you two would know immediately that this was heterosexual sex- they would never stop to consider you could be anything but a curvy woman being held down and fucked by a handsome man. Suddenly, the doctor’s thrusts sped up. You forgot condoms, and you’re barely on T!

Right as you open your mouth, he interrupts. “I’m gonna cum, Amelia! I’m cumming inside you!” He holds himself against your cervix, comforting you as you begin to scream. “Shhh, good girl, it’s okay.”

You feel his hot cum flood in to your unprotected pussy, tears falling from your eyes. Feeling the sticky cum start to leak out, you manage to speak. “Do… do you have a towel?”

“Uhhh… here!” He grabs your binders and rips them both, turning them in to makeshift towels as he pulls out, along with a flood of cum.

You know you said you wouldn’t bind anymore, but having the option taken away made everything all the more real. You know it was for the best tho. He specializes in helping trans men, and he said this always works. You just have to trust him! As time runs out, you don’t even realize you forgot to finish your top surgery letter.

Still… you couldn’t wait to book your next session.

[hamza-gaza2]

Dear humanity,my supportive friends

🚨A besieged family in Gaza appeals for help to survive🚨

Please consider reading my story

Peace be upon you, I am Hamza from Gaza, Palestine. I am 18 years old. Last July, I finished high school and obtained a grade of 92.6% in the scientific stream. I began my university studies, at the Islamic University of Gaza, specializing in software engineering. I fastened my belts, made my intention, and began the journey. However, with great regret, my journey has not yet begun and has ended quickly before it even started!

How difficult is that word for me. I made plans for my future and was determined to achieve them, but because of the war that is still ongoing today since last October, I lost that dream and I lost my plans and my future that It has become unknown, because of the machine of Zionist arrogance, which left nothing and hadn't left yet.

In the beginning, I lost 3 of my dearest friends, then our house was burned, and warplanes also bombed my university in which I was attached. I wish I could accept that easily, because when you put yourself in my place, perhaps you will feel the horror of the event, because what is gone is My life in short: my room, which I always spent my time in, my simple office, where I spent my best times during my high school studies, and even my recreational time on social networking sites, and my university, where I used to spend the most beautiful times with friends, especially the university cafeteria, where I spent the most enjoyable times, all of this and more. I was deprived of it because of this brutal war. I don't know if you imagined the horror of the situation.

Today, as I am in Deir al-Balah in the south of Gaza due to forced displacement, I wake up every day not knowing how I will spend the time.

There is nothing we can do here except wait, which I cannot describe in reality. Its difficulty. Emptiness is a very bad thing. The feeling of being unable to do anything and waiting for the unknown is truly frightening. Here we are on the 220th day of the war, and its duration is still unknown, and we do not know when it will end. Even if the war ends, we will only have escaped real death, but here we are, dying, Every day, every hour, and every minute, all of that steadfastness in order to meet our beautiful future ,so I write to you these lines that are filled with sadness for our situation here to tell you that we are here and we still have not given up and become complacent, and to also inform you that I created this link asking for helping me to complete my studies outside the walls of my city and country, knowing that the engineering major requires fees of 20,000 US dollars distributed over 5 years of studying.

I also attach pictures of everything mentioned in my story.

Thus, I have no hope left except for this campaign! which I never expected to need, but it is life.

Today, I stand helpless on the abyss, and I await your support to continue my journey, in the hope of meeting the desired hopes and trying to forget the unforgettable pains. I ask you to help in all forms (spreading, donating, moral support,...)

Many thanks and gratitude to you❤️

Hamza

@90-ghost @sayruq @appsa @aria-ashryver @northgazaupdates2 @timetravellingkitty @wellwaterhysteria @deepspaceboytoy @ot3 @dirhwangdaseul @mahoushojoe @schoolhater98 @rainn-dropz-world @baby-girl-aaron-dessner @communist-hatsunemiku @the-eldritch-it-gay @girlinafairytale @buttercuparry @amygdalae @transmutationisms @ashwantsafreepalestine @yugiohz @dykesbat @watermotif @stuckinapril @xinakwans @nibeul @komsomolka @aristotels

[savagegood]

@shinjiroatae1126: To all my fans, today was a very special day for me. For years, I struggled to accept a part of myself...But now, after all I have been through, I finally have the courage to open up to you about something. I am a gay man. It has taken me a long time to be able to say I am gay. I could not even say it to myself. However, I’ve come to realize it is better, both for me, and for the people I care about, including my fans, to live life authentically than to live a life never accepting who I truly am. I hope people who are struggling with the same feeling will find courage and know they are not alone.

ps, he’s released a new song, “into the light”, which you can watch here. part of the proceeds from the single will go to lgbtq+ organisations

@shinjiroatae1126: July 26th, 2023 was a big day for me. I finally gathered the courage to come out to the public as a gay man. I am grateful to have received media coverage from multiple platforms both within Japan and overseas.

To be honest, I was extremely anxious before all of this happened. However, I've been pleasantly surprised to discover the overwhelming amount of positive feedback pouring in from both my fans and people who have come across the news about me. It's heartwarming to see that my story is being acknowledged from all around the world, and this brings me immense joy. Although they may be baby steps, I sense that this world is gradually moving into the light. Yesterday, I made an announcement about resuming my career as an artist. I also released a new song titled “Into The Light”. The music video for the song is also on YouTube now. This song is packed with the emotions and thoughts leading up to this point, including my decision to come out. Living with anxieties and struggles is not limited to just LGBTQ+ individuals. I hope this song can be a source of encouragement for anyone carrying such emotions. I've aimed for it to become a song that can uplift those with similar feelings. A portion of the proceeds will be donated to Pride House Tokyo, Japan’s first permanent LGBTQ+ center, and ReBit, an organization providing resources and support for LGBTQ+ youth. I hope this song will touch many hearts.🙏🌈

At first, there was total silence. Then, there were shrieks, wild applause, weeping and shouts of “I love you!”

Fans of Shinjiro Atae, a J-pop idol who has been on a nearly two-year performance hiatus, had come to hear him talk about “the challenge of my life.” Standing onstage in a dark auditorium in front of 2,000 fans in central Tokyo on Wednesday night, he revealed something he has kept hidden for most of his life: He is gay.

“I respect you and believe you deserve to hear this directly from me,” he said, reading from a letter he had prepared. “For years, I struggled to accept a part of myself. But now, after all I have been through, I finally have the courage to open up to you about something. I am a gay man.”

Such an announcement is extremely unusual in conservative Japan, the only G7 country that has not legalized same-sex unions. Earlier this summer, the Japanese Parliament passed an L.G.B.T.Q rights bill but it had been watered down by the political right, stating that there “should be no unfair discrimination” against gay and transgender people.

In making a public declaration, the 34-year-old Mr. Atae, who spent two decades performing with AAA, a hit Japanese pop group, before embarking on a solo career, said he wanted his fans to know his true self. He also hopes to comfort those who might be grappling with anxieties about their sexuality.

“I don’t want people to struggle like me,” he said.

AAA debuted in 2005, with Mr. Atae, the youngest member, forgoing high school. He performed mostly as a dancer, and began appearing in TV series and movies.

His sexuality perplexed him. “It was a time when on TV, comedians would say two men kissing was gross,” he said. If anyone asked if he had a girlfriend, he just said he was too busy working.

Activists said they could not recall an instance when a Japanese pop star of his stature had publicly declared they were gay, because of anxieties about losing fans or sponsors.

“I think he has decided to come out in order to change Japan,” said Gon Matsunaka, a director and adviser to Pride House Tokyo, a support center for the gay and transgender community.

The decision to open up about his sexuality, he said, evolved over seven years of living in Los Angeles, where he saw how freely gay couples could show affection in public and built an extensive support network.

“Everyone was so open,” he said. “People would talk about their vulnerabilities. In Japan, people think it’s best not to talk about those things.”

Mr. Atae’s decision, he said, was not political.  All he wanted, he said, was to “normalize” being gay. Coming out, he knew, would likely draw criticism. “Whatever you do, there will be haters,” he said. “I can only focus on the people I might be helping.”

[sanzaibian]

April 7th

Hey journal !

This is going to be hard to write… but I’ve decided to write down my experiences in this little journal I just bought for like, $7 at the local thrift shop, so here I go.

So, I’m Jay Callaghan, a 25 year old student in STAPS, hoping to become a physiotherapist (hope when I read that in 10 years I won’t be embarrassed !), and I’m gay. Like, very gay, nothing in me for girls. But… let’s just say than in sports studies, being gay isn’t well seen. So I keep my hookups on the down low, and avoid talking about that part of myself to anybody else.

And to be honest, it really drives me mad. I’m always double-checking that I’m not too faggy for their eyes, I’m always fidgety when discussions shift towards recent “conquests”, and I feel like I just miss out on so many things. I mean, it has only been, like, a year and a half since I fully accepted that I’m gay ? But still, the impostor syndrome has never faded, and by now, I just want it to stop.

By the way, here’s a photo of what I look like :

Dare I say I look pretty hot ? Well, this just makes things worse, actually. Because then the guys are always like “Yeah, look at Jay, he must be pounding so much pussy” or something… I just want to scream to them that no ! I’m very much very pounded ! And that’s not to say there aren’t people drooling over me ! There are ! But they all hail from the wrong gender !

However, recently I heard about the brand new Conversion Powder by Eamora Co., some kind of drug made by that unknown pharmaceutical company. What’s special about this powder is that it advertises itself as actually being able to change sexuality, so to make someone straight. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wholly support LGBT rights and want for any kind of conversion to be willful – so, like, not conversion therapy. Plus, both the instructions manual and the few reviews I found said that the powder must be taken once a day for the effect to persist. So it’s not as if it was an effective conversion therapy. But… I feel like things would be so much easier if I was straight. I wouldn’t be in constant fear, I would feel included with the other guys, and I would just be normal for once.

So yeah. I just want to end this by giving out my opinions on men and women :

Men are so fucking hot, well-built muscles, with big juicy pecs and a great six-pack invites licking, the hose downstairs is the work of god, and I just want to rub myself against it, accept it in my mouth and in my ass. Women… are just women. I guess they do have pec-like stuff, but they’re just so stuffy, and big and all. Plus, they just aren’t interesting in terms of attractiveness ? Not to shit on them, but just not my thing.

Yeah, let’s see how well it ages. I’m taking the Conversion Powder right now.

The evening

Okay, so I think from now on I should write on the evenings, because this way I can recap the events of the day while they’re still fresh in my mind. Plus, when class starts again tomorrow, it’s going to be a pain to write in the mornings.

So let’s start with when I took the powder. As the instructions asked, I put it in a glass and mixed it with water, to drink. At first, nothing happened, but then I started getting a headache, and felt quite dizzy for a while. I don’t know how long, because I didn’t record myself, and I know that my sense of time probably got warped, but it did feel long. And then, it just cleared, like magic.

To be honest, it was very underwhelming. I thought that something would happen to signal if it worked or not, but I decided to still test out if it actually worked. So I opened straight porn, and there the magic occurred.

By instinct, I started by watching the guy, but honestly, he just felt boring at first. I tried to see how hot he was, because I could tell he was attractive indeed, but it just felt… wrong to think of him as attractive. Which was unsettling in its own right. But then came the woman, and let me just say that : she was heavenly. She had tanned skin that ran along her beautiful curves, skimpy black leather pants and bra that espoused her big hips and breasts, and long black hair flowing over her back, waving in such a tasteful manner ! My dick was immediately woken up in quite the surreal moment, and I couldn’t help my self.

I beat myself off furiously at her being railed.

And I don’t even feel bad about that. I even printed out one of her photos to remind myself of her… God, my dick is awake once again by once again seeing her !

After that, I must admit that I spent a lot of time gooning myself on all the stuff I missed out on when I didn’t like women. I even almost forgot to eat lunch !

The afternoon, I decided to go on a walk outside, to see if anything different happened, and honestly… once again, it was quite underwhelming. I really don’t know what I expected, taking this powder for me to be this underwhelmed ! It only advertised that it would turn people straight, and this is what it did ! On a technical sense. Because I may be, in fact, straight at the minute, but I don’t feel straight. I… don’t know how to articulate that, I think I’ll have a better answer to that question when I’ve spent more time on the powder.

So yeah, what I wanted to write is that, when I was walking in the neighborhood, I did have the same experiences as watching the porn : I felt it was weird to conceive of men as a subject of attraction, and I paid more attention to women, but nothing more, really.

Well, nothing much more to say, I guess ! I’ll continue taking it, because it doesn’t seem dangerous, and since I’m closeted it shouldn’t change much.

April 8th

This morning I took again a Conversion Powder, and although I did feel quite dizzy taking it, it was nowhere as much as last time. That does comfort me since if I do decide to stick with this, it won’t be that annoying after a while. I read up on how it works to see if these headaches are normal, but aside from the few internet theoreticians, I haven’t found anything tangible… Nobody really knows anything about it, plus Eamora Co. is basically a completely unknown entity, so I can’t really get to the bottom of this. I guess this here diary may be the current best source for how the Conversion Powder works ?

But the most important thing today was getting back to school. And honestly, there I found that the changes were more substantial. I don’t know if it’s because I have also been on it yesterday, but it felt much easier to get into the skin of the typical straight guy. I didn’t have to worry about seeming too gay, because I technically am not, meaning that the school experience was a lot more peaceful. I also felt more included during the locker room talks. It’s crazy, because when they started to talk about boobs, my dick just hardened ! They mocked me, of course, I felt quite ashamed, but a good kind of ashamed. Like I’m actually having a normal reaction !

God, here I am writing about that kind of stuff… Well, to whoever might read that (me included), I have a duty to present everything of note ! So you’re going to have to bear with the stuff I already know I’ll find cringey in a few months’ time.

So yeah. On that, I’ll go to sleep.

April 9th

Man, I want to cross out the whole section about the powder on the web I wrote yesterday. And also the “I’ll go to sleep”. I’m not talking to anyone !

But yeah, today, the Conversion Powder made the media rounds.

And the rounds it made, in barely a day ! We got LGBT associations speaking out for its immediate discontinuing, far-right think tanks asking for it to be included in all school and high school meals, and politicians scrambling to state their opinion. It kinda feels bad for me to be technically not aligned with the LGBT associations, since I’m taking it, but this was my choice. I’m deciding to become straight, and my current experiences point that it was a good one. I’m feeling more and more connected with my bros (yes ! I can actually call them that, now !), and everyone who I knew before taking the powder say that I’ve recently been in a better mood than usual.

However, I won’t tell others that I’ve been taking it. I was closeted, and I don’t want people to think that I’m self-hating or something… I guess I kinda was, but that’s not the point I was getting at. The point I’m getting at is that I don’t fit the new stereotype of Conversion Powder-takers that is forming, and I don’t want people to think I do.

Also, even if more attention has been shed on Eamora Co. and the powder, there still is no good answer to the questions I wrote down yesterday.

Better news, though : today when taking the Conversion Powder, I almost didn’t feel dizzy at all ! It’s almost as if my body has fully acclimated to the Conversion Powder. If it’s how it works, honestly. However… I feel like I don’t have anything much to say about that ? I know, I know, such an earth-shattering change occurred in me, and two days in I don’t have anything to say about it ? I guess reality do be like that…

April 10th

Yes, I didn’t write much cringey yesterday !

But yeah, nothing much happened today, as do Wednesdays usually do. Though I guess I must mention that on the bus there was a really hot woman, I couldn’t get my eyes out of her. After a while of me basically staring at her though, I noticed that she knew I was looking at her, so I looked elsewhere. I guess, now, I understand the straight male experience, since I indulged in the same kind of creepy behavior… that is something I’ll need to fix.

About Eamora Co., they put out a statement saying that their product is ethical, and does not constitute a danger for the LGBT community. Although I’m technically on their side, let me say I’m calling bullshit on that. Seeing how potent this powder is, it’s easy for bad actors to drug gay and bi people without their consent, and even though they can fight against this kind of drugging, this kind of practice could very well lead into them assuming they were actually straight all along.

Here you go, let me step out of my soapbox.

April 11th

Okay, so, you know, Abby… No, I guess you don’t know, checking back I didn’t talk about her at all in this diary.

So, Abby was (and still is) a good friend in my university. She doesn’t study the same stuff as I do, but we got to know each other in business management class. We hit it off quite well, even though I wouldn’t call her my best friend by any stretch (I had much closer friends back in high school), she went along well with my way of being.

But here comes the catch.

Now that I’m straight, I’ve noticed that she… is actually quite well-endowed. Plus, over the last few days I would even dare say that she’s actually… cute. I mean, look at her and dare not tell me that she’s not cute !

Okay, I do realize that no one is gonna answer me here… but still ! Diary ! Or anything ! Agree with me !

I think this means that I may be having my first straight crush… on who was basically my only true friend in this university… not the best look. But at least it proves that the powder converts both sexual and romantic attraction ! It’s a good observation to include in this diary.

So yeah… gonna see how it evolves…

April 13th

Oops, I forgot to write, yesterday !

So I just hung out more with the bros, it’s been so fun to just… chit-chat with them ! I feel like we have a real connection, like they get me, like I get them. That’s something I could never have had when I was gay, I was forced to just stay out of the loop with everyone. I’m glad I’ve decided to start going on the conversion powder, because now I can finally get to live a normal life ! … not to insult my former comrades, of course.

But with Abby… I must admit I’m not proud of myself, because I basically avoided her for the past few days… I’m getting so flustered when I’m with her, it’s really embarrassing, but now I fear she thinks I’m abandoning her… I’m also being so obvious ! Like, this morning Abby walked in front of me when I was hanging out with my bros, going to some kind of economy class, and I just blushed to hell ! The bros all clocked that I have a crush on her, and I fear she might too ! God, so embarrassing !

Tomorrow, since it’s Sunday, I don’t have class, so the bros asked me to go to the gym with them, and I’m 95% sure they’re gonna cook me alive for having that damn crush…

Help !

April 15th

I forgot to write yesterday again… I was so tired from the very intensive sesh that we had that I just went straight to dine and sleep, so give me a break, diary.

So, as I predicted… Saturday, the guys cooked me, and cooked me hard. They were like “why don’t you talk to her”, “you’ve seen her look”, “do the first move” and all, it was quite overwhelming while we were working out… But they were basically saying that I shouldn’t hesitate to ask her out, as even if it doesn’t work out there’s other girls to find…

God, this is the kind of advice that I would never have had if I was having a gay crush. Nobody would be there to be excited for me, they would all be uninterested to disgusted, and none could give me advice for how to do… because the only people who could would be the very kind I may want to woo !

So yeah. Out of my soapbox, today I talked to Abby… and I couldn’t do it. I chickened out, I didn’t ask her out… Like, I was just about to ! But then somebody let their coat drop, and Abby, kind soul she is, picked it up for them… and after that, my courage just disappeared, and I just brought up the topic of the Conversion Powder and the whole drama.

Yeah. About the Conversion Powder drama.

So, let’s just say that it got heated, and it became the controversy that everyone was talking about. I don’t know what my country will choose as a way forward, but some have already chosen to outlaw it… and the usual suspects have made it official “prescription” to “cure” gayness. I’m against both options, and although I think none will be taken by our government, they currently haven’t chosen a stance… I’ll keep a close eye on it, because I’d hate for my experiment to be cut short just because of them deciding for me…

April 16th

This time, I didn’t miss a day ! Yay !

So… I asked Abby out.

It was as if the stars aligned. Today she dressed in very hot clothes, and we had class together both before and after lunch. So I took the opportunity to ask her to meet with me at the park. But then, at the afternoon, it started raining… I was afraid that our meet-up would have to be canceled, but just before it was time to end the classes, the sky cleared up ! So we went to the park, and my favorite bench in front of the pond was free ! We sat together, and there, I asked her if she wanted to go out with me.

And she said yes !

God, it feels so good ! My first ever date, and not hookup !

I’m just buzzing with excitement, we’re gonna see each other this Saturday afternoon after class ! I’m already envisioning it : first we get together in a cafe, then we go to the park and visit its zoo at the same time ! It’s going to be perfect !

I’m so ready for it !

April 17th

So, I’ve told the bros the good news… and somehow, the conversation drifted on clothes, and we realized that I don’t really have any “date” clothes – or at least, not straight date clothes. They said that it wouldn’t go, and Terry and Joe took me this afternoon to the shops, as they said that, as “pussyhounds” they know what makes girls go apeshit. There, they encouraged me to buy a nice black dress shirt, dark blue jeans and a fancy belt, so now they’ve been added to my wardrobe. They also told me to prepare some cologne, a golden chain and a fancy watch, because they said that it’s the kind of details women always pay attention to, but I already have some of those, so I’m covered.

I guess I’m ready for my date ?

April 20th

Fuck, I forgot again twice to write in this diary. I guess I should only write in it when there’s something interesting happening, because I only seem to remember writing in it when something involving my newfound straightness happens…

So yeah. The date with Abby was magical. Never have I ever been more glad to have made the choice to become straight. When we met up, she was just fabulous. Dressed impeccably, in a way that, yes, made her boobs pop out wonderfully, but it also made her beautiful eyes twinkle, her luscious lips glow and her fluffy hair shine. And the way she walked, so agile, so dainty… Bro, there’s nothing that can capture how beautiful she is ! And she’s also so smart, and such good company ! We talked for hours, made cute poses in front of the animals, and even stayed together for dinner – although we went out to McDonald’s, not enough money nor organization to go to a fancier place.

Perfect ! Absolutely perfect !

This is the kind of experiences normal men have ! And they’re so much richer than anything these gay hookups ever gave me !

Taking the Conversion Powder was the best decision in my life !

May 4th

May the force be with you ! haha

It’s been two whole weeks since I last wrote in this diary, it was time for me to give you an update, diary.

The last two weeks have been hell, because it’s exam season. So between studying, working out and dates with Abby, I haven’t had time for anything ! Bro, even my dates were study dates ! But otherwise… Everything’s going swimmingly ! I’m pulling along with my bros, and my relationship with Abby is going wonderfully !

Really, I know I’m writing the same thing again and again, but ever since I became straight, everything has become better ! Like, I’m better as a straight guy than I would ever have been as a gay guy, I’m sure of that ! It’s… even becoming kinda weird to think of myself as ever being gay, honestly...

God, it’s so refreshing to be normal !

May 6th (the morning)

A bit of a weird update, this morning before my last exam, because… er… we had sex yesterday.

So here’s how it went. Yesterday, we had another study date, but this time at my place. It was boring, of course, but to get out of the boredom we decided to make some raunchy remarks in-between economics and anatomy. And it made us both quite horny… well, at least it made me quite horny, because my dick was just rock hard, ready to squirt by the end of the session… And then we continued the remarks, without interruption… I got closer to her, started touching her, she started touching me, and then the clothes started coming down…

And you kinda know how it goes, but for me it was special. Because I have a ton of sex experience, but none when it comes to shoving my dick in a hole. I did have quite a good time eating her pussy, wayyyyyy tastier tasty than dick mind you, and she did make me come by giving me a blowjob, but then came time to do the deed. I put my condom on, and then honestly… it was a blast. I came just naturally once I had my dick inside her pussy, I just thrusted, and thrusted and thrusted, a ton of times, as if I was plowing her. She was orgasming, I was orgasming, and when we finally came, we just laid there, cuddling, until we both began sleeping.

I’m writing that as she’s taking her shower, just after my Conversion Powder drink, so I won’t be able to write too much, but really… it was the best sex I ever had. Hands down. Really, it feels like straight sex has been designed to happen, unlike anal, blowjobs and all. God, I’m so glad to have taken the powder !

May 8th

Okay okay okay, BIG NEWS !

This afternoon, Abby and I went to a date in the park, and guess what – I mean, a diary isn’t gonna answer me, but yeah. Abby asked if I wanted to be her boyfriend !

It made me just so happy ! Like, finally for the first time ever I have an actual relationship ! I have a girlfriend !

I’ll announce it to everyone ! Well, I kinda already have, but I thought after that that I should write it down here. I’m becoming the model straight guy, and I couldn’t be more up for that !

May 19th

Everything is going for the best, a month and a half in ! (about)

I think I’m gonna stop writing in this book, because I think there’s nothing I can write in it that’s new ! I’m a normal straight guy with a steady relationship with my beautiful girlfriend, Abby, and I hope – and think – that we’re going endgame. Like she’s so beautiful and she goes along with me so well, you can’t understand !

I’m also bulking thanks to all the workout I get with the bros, here, look at that photo :

Oh yeah, I did decide to cut down my hair. It was so long, it was bothersome, and I already have Abby, so I don’t need to look attractive to anybody, just to her. Plus, it made me look faggy, even though I’m straight.

So yeah, you can guess I’m a living example of why the Conversion Powder is a good thing for people who want it ! I’m so happy, and I have found the love of my life ! It almost feels like it was meant for me to be straight !

So… goodbye, I guess ? Or to next time something worth writing about happens ?

June 1st

I thought I wouldn’t ever touch this diary again, but today I saw a ton of pictures on the internet saying happy Pride Month, and… it made me feel empty inside.

I remember last year when I went to local Pride, it made me feel so… not alone ? Like I was part of something bigger, of a community of people who suffer the same kind of things as I do. But when I see all those pictures, I just feel like it’s not talking to me. I don’t feel like I’m part of the LGBT community anymore, because I’m just a normal straight guy, and I guess it’s the first time I somewhat feel some regrets ?

Now, I looked at my local Pride, and apparently this year’s prominent topic is the Conversion Powder, trying to ban it, so even if I wanted to go in as an ally, I would be the embodiment of what they’re avoiding…

I dunno, I’m feeling very conflicted. And it’s not the kind of things I can really talk about with Abby, considering to her I was always a normal straight guy. So I guess I’ll write about it here when I feel like venting.

June 3rd

This whole Pride Month thing is really going to my head, I cannot help but think about it… I look away each time I see rainbows, I avoid LGBT news and I feel awkward each time I see someone being visibly LGBT…

But really, I think I’m being so obsessed by it that I’m triggering old memories of when I was gay, I almost caught myself checking out a guy… If I didn’t know I was on the Conversion Powder, I would have said I was living through a gay awakening…

June 5th

OKAY OKAY CODE RED IT’S CONFIRMED I’M SOMEHOW REGAINING MY ATTRACTION TO MEN !

It’s too much to only be Pride Month behind that. I’m actively being turned on by men… even though I’m taking the powder everyday… each time it happens I switch to a mental image of a woman, but it doesn’t seem to really do anything…. I’m straight, that’s for sure, but why is my body suddenly not wanting to respond correctly ?

Fuck, why am I writing this, it has to be a fluke, I’m sure… I must be quite horny, since Abby has been quite busy with her internship.

I’ll call her up, have some good straight sex like I should, and see if this fluke happens again tomorrow (hint : it won’t).

June 6th

It did.

If I could sigh on paper, I would. Trust me.

The sex was a bit forced, I’ll admit, but today when I went for a morning jog, I saw one of the most drop-dead gorgeous guy I had ever seen… He was quite muscular, but not too much, was tall, handsome, had great hair and a light dusting of body hair where it mattered. Plus, his pecs were quite prominent, it felt as if I could squeeze them and sleep on them, they were so juicy… Fuck, reading back I’m describing that guy like I used to describe guys when I was gay, even though I’m straight…

Tomorrow I’ll up the dose of Conversion Powder, I’ll see what will happen.

June 7th

Do NOT take more than one dose of Conversion Powder at once, learn from my experience.

When I took those two drinks, I had the worst headache I’ve ever had… and then I was hyper-horny for a good 6 to 8 hours, wanting to fuck women, fuck women and fuck women… I’m really happy I had nowhere to go today, since I just gooned myself to straight porn for hours on end, even forgot to eat. It was actual madness.

But then, suddenly, my horniness stopped. I was just… spent, sitting inside a mess of cumstains that were hell to wash out, not really understanding what happened to me.

I’m afraid.

June 9th

The situation did not improve, my attraction to men just kept coming back, to the point I can basically now call myself thoroughly bisexual. But I’m not under any illusion : my attraction to women is very likely going to fade at some point.

And it’s going to make me lose Abby.

I’ve also looked around on the web, and found that I’m not actually the only one to be “reverted”, as people seem to refer to it as. Apparently, it’s due to people being used to the drug : since it cannot actually change attraction, it only overwrites attraction. So it acts like a drug, the more you take it the less effective it becomes…

So yeah, I’m becoming gay whether I want it or not…

June 12th

It’s beginning. The end is beginning.

I feel it, how women are starting to interest me less and less. I’d rather be dealing with dicks than with pussies… I had sex with Abby yesterday, and I just wasn’t into it. It just didn’t feel as exciting, as wonderful as it used to be when I first had sex with her…

Even she noticed it, and asked if everything was alright with me. I lied about being tired because of training, but it will only get me so far… I need to tell her at some point, before it’s too late. But I just don’t have the heart to break hers, it would also break my heart to have to leave her… I really wish I could stay straight…

So much for being “normal”, eh ?

June 14th

This afternoon, we met for our usual Wednesday dates. And I gathered the courage to tell her everything.

I told her how I was gay, how I used the Conversion Powder, how I then had a crush on her, and how I’m slowly becoming gay again. I was so afraid telling her that. Because I absolutely was in the wrong, I kept her in the dark about an important part of myself, and I was afraid of her reaction… heh, it’s kind of my first coming-out, in a way.

However, Abby, blessed be her heart, took it in strides, and the only thing she became angry over was the fact that I decided to take the Conversion Powder… Turns out she’s bisexual, and is really against it, and I guess I became another example for her to latch onto to deem it unacceptable… We had a goodbye kiss, and I told her that I still had a few days of liking women, so we should do whatever last thing together as a couple as we can.

I’ll see what she has in store for me.

June 15th

Okay, today was wild.

Abby basically took a whole day off just for me, and invited me to her place. And I was barely inside her bedroom that she just came in with tons of sex toys. I’m not even sure where she found half of those… And so, we just spent the remainder of the day having sex in many a kinky setup… the last of my straight sex would be kinky sex…

It was great, I hadn’t had so much fun in a long while, especially worrying this much about the end of the Conversion Powder… and I feel that from now on I’ll know her body way too much for someone who will soon become her Gay Best Friend.

So yeah, a great way to close the straight chapter of my life. We’ve decided, with Abby, that tomorrow I’ll get off the Conversion Powder, and that will be our official break up.

June 16th

First day without Conversion Powder, and I’ve been in bed fighting the inevitable headache that such an action accompanies.

Abby was kind enough to come look after me, and it honestly felt really weird to look at her and feel basically not much happening in my dick. Only remained aesthetic attraction.

While she was here, I made her read this diary. It was quite a humbling experience, as she was basically reading through my heart. Her reactions ranged from laughter to concern, including a few realizations about our history together. I mean, I didn’t know she remembered the time I almost confessed to her but was interrupted by someone else !

She also told me that it was weird how I didn’t mention being afraid about the bros, and honestly… I find it also weird now that she mentions it. I dunno, when I decided to take the powder, fitting in with the bros was such a priority for me, yet today, I feel like I have such a good relationship that I wouldn’t trust them to care either way. But I did make a coming out message in our group chat, basically explaining the same stuff as I did with Abby. I’ll see how it goes, but currently Terry eagerly responded with a “I support you!!!!!!1!!!”.

June 18th

My headache was very strong, and I stayed in bed again yesterday, but by now I think it has passed. I didn’t expect the aftereffects of the Conversion Powder to be this severe...

I don’t think I’ll have much to say in this diary in the future, especially as I seem to be going back to the normal me. I mean, normal gay me. But since I’ve had a lot of time to think about this whole situation the past few days, I’ll write about my experiences here.

So, first of all, I’m glad to have made this experience of what straight life looks like. However, I also think that it was a mistake.

Basically, I think that when I did it, I took the easy way out. Pointing to an inalienable part of myself as being the cause of all my woes and then trying to remove it, it just shows a laziness from me. Like I can’t try and imagine what an actual solution looks like, I have to change myself before being able to fix stuff. However, I feel that this experience made me learn that I was actually able to do all the things I felt were lacking. Talking to Abby she made me notice that, aside from being straight, nothing really changed after taking the Conversion Powder, so all the things I blamed myself for making me look faggy just… didn’t. It was only me being afraid, and letting it talk rather than the rational mind. So all the good things I had when I was straight, I can just have them if I get out of the mindset that gay is bad.

So… yeah ! Although it still feels a bit weird to say, I’m gay, and I’m proud ! All my woes weren’t due to me being gay, they were due to me being afraid, so now I decide to not be afraid anymore ! I hope that whoever reads this diary (including me) will understand that they don’t need to take out a part of themselves to find happiness. They need to get over their fears, and only this way will the road to happiness will be opened !

Well said, love from the past ! -T

[asuyaka]

Eyyy it's been a while since I've requested anything, and since I'm back to my JJK brain rot how about a good old request for my favorite dead divorced gay couple?(how are we copin', manga readers?)

So idk if you've ever seen or heard of the "Missing Halloween" animation on YouTube, BUT--

What if satosugu found out that Reader(who they were very close with) was actually the spirit of an past special grade student that died in a mission by the hands of curse users (maybe they raided the school or something, idk it's like- 1AM in here my brain will not remember all the shit that happens in the JJK lore to make a coherent plot point) and now just roams around near the school, and that explains why everyone just seemingly ignored Reader's presence completely and gave the three weird looks whenever they hung out together. Also I like to think that these two idiots found out about reader's situation after fooling around during detention and accidentally tripping on some dusty old boxes that had some old stuff in it, finding one of those group school year pics from when Yaba was the boys' age and Reader was also in the pic from when they were still alive.

In much simpler words, Satosugu x ghost!reader that they didn't knew was a ghost until they found a picture of Reader's academic years.

-🌈, Anon.

★ - JJK brainrot 's so real f' me too !! (Satosugu once 'm get m grubby lil hands on you... >:(( )

☆ - Satosugu x Ghost! Reader !!

♡ - 's nice ta see you again, 🌈 nony !! ヾ(^▽^*))) hope you're doin' well <33 (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡ | 'm have seen Missing Halloween! made me s'sad (◞‸◟；) but s sooo bittersweet! m nota huuugee animation fan, but Missing Halloween 's one of m favs! (๑≧▽≦)

Being a ghost is interesting, to put it simply.

You get to see things you never got the chance to when you were alive, like the top of Mount Fuji and the vast streets of Shibuya. Sure, you missed what it was like to eat your favorite food or speak to people, but it's the price you have to pay for your naivety.

You thought you'd be alone, wandering the hallways of Jujutsu High forever until they came.

Geto Suguru and Gojo Satoru.

The strongest sorcerers in the modern era.

Shock is an emotion you haven't felt since your death, but you feel it again when you notice that those two can not only see but touch you.

It's an odd feeling. Having someone touch your skin after years (it's only been two) of being dead. Weird, but nice.

"Suguru, back me up here!" Satoru whines, holding his friend by his shoulders and shaking him back and forth.

You and Satoru were arguing about which ice cream flavor was the best. Granted, you haven't had ice cream —or any food for that matter— in a long time, but there was no way you would let Satoru get away with saying Birthday Cake.

"This is your argument, and I like Vanilla." Suguru shrugs and the betrayed look on Satoru's face causes you to giggle.

Satoru turns to face you, chest out and voice boisterous. "Well, [Name], since we can't agree, I guess that means we'll have to go to an ice cream store to find out!

Suguru's face turns blank. "Where in that argument did going to an ice cream place happen?"

"Right now, duh." You huff, rolling your eyes dramatically.

"No, guys, I don't have money, and I'm not taking you dumbasses to an ice cream place at this hour." Suguru's voice is stern; like there's no room for back-and-forth bickering.

You three were now at a small ice cream shop a few minutes away from Jujutsu High.

You tried not to talk to Suguru and Satoru much, so to bystanders it wouldn't look like they were talking to literal air, but they didn't get the hint and kept talking to you anyway.

Sometimes you wonder if they even know you're a ghost.

The way Satoru uses you as a headrest (you're putting spiders in his bed tonight) and how Suguru tends to maintain eye contact when he talks to you (earning a couple of odd stares from some in the store), you’re 99.9% sure they think you’re a real person.

Which you are, obviously, but you’re only technically real to them. Why that is, you aren’t exactly sure yourself.

Before you three get to the counter, you make up a fake excuse of having to use the bathroom. You tell them the flavor you want, make sure Satoru doesn’t do anything weird, and order the flavor with the most sugar (you aren’t 100% sure if you can even eat but it’s worth trying) before you excuse yourself. 

You make your way to the roof, sitting on the edge and looking out into the city. It’s calming. 

You’ve always enjoyed how relaxing it was to be able to see people going about their lives, the soft breeze sounding through your ears accompanied by the smell of ice cream and bread from nearby stores.

It’s nice. 

From the corner of your eye, you spot Suguru and Satoru sitting at an outside table. They were talking amongst each other as they presumably waited for you, an empty spot only held by a cup of ice cream filled with your favorite flavor.

You drop down at the back of the store, brushing the dust off your body and making your way to where Suguru and Satoru are sitting.

“Jeez! Took you long enough.” Satoru rolls his eyes and immediately starts eating his ice cream. 

Suguru rolls his eyes. His posture is the same as always, a man spread and his arms crossed only breaking whenever he needs to eat his ice cream as well. 

Huffing, you kick Satoru underneath the table. Blowing a raspberry before taking a bite of the ice cream.

Good news, you can eat.

Bad news, you don’t taste a single thing.

Well… they don’t need to know that. They’re having fun, your inability to taste shouldn’t spoil that for them.

“Satoru, Yaga’s going to kill us if he finds us, you know?” Suguru huffs, keeping watch as Satoru looks through the yearbook of past students in Jujutsu High.

“Oh, hush!” Satoru kicks him in the knee, gasping when he finds a book tucked away behind several (thankfully sleeping) cursed corpses.

Satoru grins. “Found one.”

Suguru takes one final glance at the hallway before turning to see what Satoru dragged him here for in the dead of night (or early in the morning depending on the way you look at it).

They flip through the yearbook, snickering when they see what Yaga looked like two years ago. His buzz is shorter — if that’s even possible — but he still has his stone-cold resting face.

They make it to the back of the book, where there’s a special section dedicated to students who died before the year is over.

Really, Satoru was looking for what [Name] looked like when he was younger. He’s suspected you were older than the two of them since he never sees you during school.

“Satoru… is– is that…?” Suguru’s voice is weary as his finger points at a photo of some dude he recognizes.

A boy he recognizes.

It’s your picture, you look the same as you do now. “What’s he doing here? We see him all the time– right Suguru?” 

Suguru pales. “Is that why Shoko calls us crazy? [Name] isn’t alive—”

“Yes, he is!” Satoru almost yells. The book drops from his hands with a thump! small colors of blue peeking out from the bottom of his sunglasses.

“We can touch him, we can see him!” Satoru stomps his foot. “How is that possible if he’s dead, huh?!”

“He might be a cursed sp—”

“Then the curse alarm would’ve sounded!” Satoru’s voice sounds like it’s tethering over an edge. He’s confused– he’s known [Name] for as long as his first year, you, him, and Suguru are inseparable so why can Suguru accept the fact that you’re (supposedly) dead?!

“Let’s ask him then, is that okay?” Suguru puts his hand directly on Satoru’s shoulder, moving his thumb slightly for comfort. 

The albino takes a deep breath to calm himself. He shouldn’t be mad at Suguru, he loves Suguru.

So, he does what Suguru says. He lets Suguru lead the way to where they found you the first time. Close to the artifact warehouse but closer to the forest that surrounds Jujutsu High.

You’re there. Sitting on the grass as you stare longingly at a bird.

The sound of rocks crunching under their feet must give them away because in a second you lock eyes with Suguru, a soft smile on your face.

“Suguru!” Your voice is warm– comforting even. “What are you guys doing here? Aren’t you guys breaking curfew?”

“Are you dead?”

Satoru’s blunt question causes your body to freeze. He sounds angry. Maybe it’s because you didn’t tell them that you were a ghost, and they somehow found out themselves.

You weren’t all that popular when you were alive. You were an adequate sorcerer with mediocre abilities. Nothing that puts you out there– not like the two in front of you anyway.

“Y-Yeah?” You avert your eyes sheepishly. “I mean, I died a few years ago so—”

“Why didn’t you tell us anything?” Satoru cuts you off, the hand still holding Suguru’s tightens slightly.

Why didn’t you tell them? Because they’d stop hanging out with you? Were you scared you’d lose the only people who know you’re still technically here?

Because you’re bound to this school and have only ever left because your attachment somehow shifted to Satoru and Suguru.

Ah, that’s why.

You were scared to be left alone. That’s why every time you could, you’d rush over to where they were. Engage in conversation with them, and do mildly illegal things with them because they make you feel wanted.

“I guess… I was scared you two would stop hanging out with me..?” You let out a laugh even though nothing is funny. “You two are the only people who know I still exist, so I thought if you figured out I was a ghost…”

“— that we’d stop talking to you altogether?” Suguru finishes for you and you can’t help but nod.

“That’s stupid! We fight curses, why do you think being a ghost is going to stop anything?!” Satoru grabs you by the shoulder. You’re sure his grip hurts, but you can’t exactly feel pain anymore.

“Yeah, I know…” Your hand touches Satoru’s forearm. “Now that you know… it doesn’t change anything between us… right?”

The longer the silence stretches the more anxiety swallows you whole. If they stop talking to you or start avoiding you, you aren’t sure what you’ll be bound to.

Maybe that spot by the artifact warehouse. You’ll be forced to stay there– alone, with no one to talk to, no one to make you feel alive.

“Of course, not.” Suguru’s voice is warm, it makes something well up in your eyes.

“Sure, it might be weird since sorcerers can’t see you, but you’re our friend. You just have to promise not to keep life-altering secrets from us. Right, Satoru?”

Satoru huffs, crossing his arms and rolling his eyes. “You owe me, stupid ghost boy!”

A smile stretches across your face and you’re unaware of the warmth rolling down your cheeks. “I’m glad.”

You won’t be alone.

You’ll be able to talk to them, now that they know your biggest secret.

You’ll have Satoru and Suguru, and they’ll have you.

Maybe being dead– or being a ghost isn’t so bad after all.

[brian-kinney-apologist]

random qaf thought i wanted to share

brian kinney was always a very special character for me personally and one particular thing about his writing still feels very dear to me to this day. brian was an openly gay man who always knew who he was, he didn't feel shame about his sexuality, and basically was living his best life as an out and proud queer man (no excuses, no apologies, no regrets etc etc). AND YET he wasn't out to his parents. it was never his intention to come out to them because he knew the exact reaction they would have. brian wasn't scared of their reaction though, he never needed their approval or waited for them to understand him (at least when we meet him in the show (young!brian is a a topic for another discussion though)). brian knew that his coming out would only resolve in useless drama. he didn't owe his parents anything just because they were related by blood. they didn't deserve to have an explanation or to know his truth. that's the point that the show makes with his character: you don't owe people your coming out. (yes, brian did come out to his parents at some point but with his mother it was purely coincidental and imo he wouldn't have came out to his father if debbie hadn't pressured him into doing so)

usually in tv/films we only see closeted queer people (usually teenagers) whos whole story revolves around them being ashamed of their sexuality, being scared about other people finding out their secret, and they also often behave like bullies themselves (chris hobbs moment). they also often outed by someone/forced to come out and end up having to deal with the consequences of them being gay. and yes, storylines like this have a right to exist and there're probably enough people who resonate with these types of stories. but there're other life scenarios too. and brian imo is a great example for people who had/still have to survive in our homophobic world but who know exactly who they are, who don't really struggle with their identity and who are at peace with their sexuality. off the top of my head i can name a number of characters that fit the first description but brian kinney is the only one who fits the second one. (maybe you know other characters with the same attitude but I doubt that anyone has ever openly said the actual words on tv/in films. brian was the blueprint for sure)

to be honest, it was a revelation for a 16 year old me when I first watched the show that you may be confident, out and proud and at the same time you not explaining your sexuality (or gender identity) to random (or not so random) people (proving to cishet people that you are a normal queer™️ OR on the contrary visibly queer enough) doesn't make you any less valid or a liar or a coward. brian being allowed to chose who to share his identity with not out of fear or shame but out of his own free will was and still a very important message to send to queer people everywhere. so many things that were illustrated through brian's character were so true and were ahead of their time imo. there is no one yet to match his level of queer wisdom on tv (and i doubt ther ever will)

I hope this makes sense because idk how to put it more eloquently. I've been thinking about all of this for some time now and wanted to put it somewhere so here you go

[t0mashek]

Mini character guide for my fellow McSpirk fanartists!

I feel like I finally have a satisfying level of muscle memory down for how I draw each of our guys in a recognizable way! My portrayals of Kirk, Spock and Bones aren't usually drawn with a reference, and they definitely don't look all that realistic, but I figure at least one of you out there might like to have a peak into what I do to try and make them recognizable!

Before I show the specific lines I always like to use, I would like to shoutout all the artists out there with same face syndrome. I had very bad same face syndrome before I started drawing Star Trek fanart, the variety of characters in Star Trek REALLY helped me draw better characterizations of people! BUT, if same face syndrome is something you currently struggle with do NOT let it deter you from posting your beautiful art!

Even when drawn with the same basic face structure like I did here, it's still very easy to tell who's who, just with the use of colors, hairstyles and facial lines!

Now, for anyone who is wanting to pinpoint what I try to keep consistent in my drawings of the boys, I highlighted the lines I find most important in my drawings of each of them. I try to keep my style slightly cartoony, so I like to exaggerate!

The roundness of Jim's face is what I always try to make the most pronounced in all of my art of him. The contrast to the harsher angles of the faces of Spock and McCoy is one of my favorite things to include in my art. He has a button nose in combination with those apple cheeks, they're my favorite thing about Jim to overexaggerate!

McCoy on the other hand? Give him his TRIANGLES. I try to go for a much more square face when drawing Bones, but for the lines and features within his face we love our good old friend the triangle. That man's eyebrows are pointy, and I love to give him his mouth lines. I like to balance out the sharper lines I draw on his face with the round lines of his hair.

Spock has the bangs, ears and eyebrows that play a great advantage to us, no other bro serves like Spock. While I love the pointy sideburns on all of the boys, Spocks sideburns help me play into the length of his face. He's got a straighter face and straighter nose compared to his human boyfriends. And while he and Bones both have those handsome mouth lines, you can differentiate the shape of the crease to fit their faces! When I'm drawing McCoy's mouth lines, there's more of an angle, I draw Spock's lines straighter, similar to his face and nose.

I hope this might help some of my fanartist brethren out there! Or at the very least give you a little peak into my art process! If anyone finds this helpful and uses it to draw some art, I'd love to see it! The variety of styles and character potrayals I see in all of the Star Trek fanart I browse on here never fails to warm my heart. These goofy little guys never fail to stand out from one another, no matter how they're drawn, and that is just so special to me.

Live long and draw fanart, little gay people in my computer!!! 💛🩵💙🖖

[bengiyo]

Knock Knock Boys Ep 4 Stray Thoughts

Last week, the boys all went to the onsen to try to bond with Jumper, to mixed results. Almond also remains perhaps more focused on Latte than Jumper because he’s so nervous, and is determined to figure out if Latte has a birthmark on his dick. Thanwa and Peak have been vibing pretty hard, and I’m into it. Thanwa has asked Peak to help him with his job applications, and Peak wants to learn how to better enjoy food. Almond also followed Latte and Lukpeach to the sex toy store and completely misunderstood what was going on. I’m currently suspicious about Thanwa’s financial situation.

As a note, @babyangelsky warned us about extreme toilet humor between 41:30 and 42:33.

I am really enjoying these cold opens to the potential end of the episode. It’s compelling every time.

I feel like we have been in this BL house before. The porch looks familiar.

Latte remains a tease and I love it.

Wouldn’t be a proper foodie if there wasn’t a special story attached to his favorite dish.

Now why did he feed that man like that?

I went to a school with corporal punishment. I’m always surprised when I see it in Thai colleges.

I really don’t want to be disappointed in Jumper lately. I am having fun with the way it feels like he’s flirting with Peak.

Fellas, is it gay to stare into each other’s eyes and search each other’s souls while holding a computer mouse together?

Thanwa’s friend looks like a Pokémon trainer.

Oh, I don’t like this guy promising compensation as he leaves a bill to Thanwa.

I’ve not vibed with a lot of BL choices this year, but I’m glad we’re getting more sexual health PSAs in the shows lately.

I think it’s very good to give Almond condoms. I get the sense he’d be nervous about getting his own.

Almond, why are you so pressed about Lukpeach if you ain’t tryina smash.

Did Seng teach Nokia how to smile like a dork?

Yes, bring Lukpeach to the party. She needs to know that this is not just two college boys on a romance track. There’s a whole house of boys.

Small things that this show earns is Thanwa being the primary cook of the household. He doesn’t come off as bossy when he’s asking Almond to go get stuff from the kitchen while he works on other food prep. It feels natural.

Oh ho! We’ve reached the cold open around the middle.

Now, Latte, don’t get jealous of a moment you helped create.

How old are we? 7 minutes in heaven?? At least they played that well right out the gate.

A game about going into closets together to see what might happen. These jokes write themselves.

Oh no. I am close to the trigger warning. This is about to be the worst scatological humor I’ve been subjected to by Thai BL. I can feel it.

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! THIS IS SO GROSS!!!!

Girls….I am disgusted… Trust the warning. Props to Pak, Nokia, and Jaonine for playing that all the way through, but I don’t need to see that ever again.

What the hell is going on in that closet though??

I just know it’s hot as hell in this closet.

I appreciate this show giving me some kisses after that vomit scene. It’s what I deserve.

Okay, I really like this apology and reestablishment of consensual boundaries. Excellent kiss the homies content.

Welcome back, Jane. I hope you give us some answers next week.

This show is really assured, and I’m having a great time with it. I really love when a show has two couples and has them on similarly-paced advancement tracks. It offers up a lot of fun comparison. It’s clear at this point that Almond and Latte like being around each other, and Latte is becoming jealous of Almond’s interest in Jumper. It also works that Thanwa was the one to have kissed Peak already and has been waiting for him to sort it out. That was a really excellent episode. Having Jumper be such a sloppy mess on top of Almond like that is a good way to kill much of the enthusiasm he might have there, opening a lane for Latte. Good shit, Knock Knock Boys.

[apple-juice-consumer]

Rooftop Gang Headcanons!! ✧.*

Characters; Shouta Aizawa (Eraserhead), Hizashi Yamada (Present Mic), Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud/Kurogiri), Nemuri Kayama (Midnight).

Warnings; mentions of self harm in Shouta's section, mild spoilers for Vigilantes and the mha manga/anime, and slightly implied nsfw (if you squint). Also I'm currently recovering from a cold at the time of writing this so some of the headcanons may be worded wrong or weirdly.

Credits; the gifs are from pinterest and all the dividers were made by @cafekitsune

Shouta Aizawa

• During their highschool years, he would make tea for Hizashi after training if he used his quirk too much and hurt his throat.

• He sometimes tries to make jokes to cheer Hizashi up after they found out what really happened to Oboro. It doesn't work but Hizashi laughs anyways to make Shouta feel better.

• He usually does Eri's hair in the morning before he leaves for work, but if he doesn't have time or is running late, then either Hizashi or Shinso will do her hair.

• Coldplay fan. His favorite song is Green Eyes because it reminds him of Hizashi.

• He has narcolepsy, depression, and PTSD.

• Kept Oboro's jacket after he died.

• Him and Hizashi still have Oboro's old phone number and frequently text it silently hoping that one day he'll respond even though they both know that will never happen.

• Calls Eri "baby", "babydoll", and "sweetheart" (Dadzawa 🥺❤️).

• Has a very slight tan from training class 1-A outside.

• Faded cuts on his arm from when he used to self harm for the first few months after Oboro's death.

• Baby talks to cats.

• Also has at least two cats he named Midnight and Oboro.

• During Christmas, he takes his class on special field trips to look at Christmas lights.

• Gay, cisgender, and uses he/him pronouns.

Hizashi Yamada

• Japanese and American. His mom is Japanese and his dad American.

• He's a Child of Deaf Adults. Since his cries made his parents go deaf when he was first born, he had to learn both JSL to communicate with his mom and ASL to communicate with his dad.

• I also headcanon him as having albinism since blond hair is a side effect of albinism in Asian cultures while having red eyes is a side effect of albinism in European culture.

• His fear of bugs stemmed from when he was a teenager. Shouta and Oboro made him watch the movie Arachnophobia and he's been terrified ever since.

• Even though he would never say it out loud, Ochako and Jirou are his favorite students.

• Developed Histrionic Personality Disorder as a result of Oboro's death.

• Him and Oboro used to reference Llamas With Hats and Charlie the Unicorn RELIGIOUSLY.

• His favorite Disney princess is Rapunzel.

• He has a tramp stamp.

• Pansexual, genderqueer, and uses he/they pronouns.

• Grows his fingernails out except for his middle and ring finger, which he always keeps short (😏).

• His favorite movie is The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

• His hair is too thick for normal hair ties so he has to use scrunchies to keep his hair up.

Oboro Shirakumo

• Has tried to eat his clouds at least once.

• Blink-182 fan.

• Queer, cisgender, uses he/him pronouns.

• Some of his favorite foods were cotton candy and cloud bread.

• BONUS: Kurogiri sometimes let's Toga sleep in bed with him.

Nemuri Kayama

• Camie's aunt.

• Bisexual, aromantic, cisgender, uses she/her pronouns.

LMFAO I love how you can clearly tell what characters are the favorite and which one is the least favorite 😭😭. But anyways, I hope you enjoyed reading my headcanons for these silly goobers and if you want me to make more posts like this then feel free to request some characters!!

[luciaintheskyainthi]

In honour of me finally have the time (and energy) to finish ready the last chapter, MORE SONG RECS!!!! (A lot of them just cause. This is special.)

This is the vibes I’d get if Peter left Jason!!!! Like the line “we broke up a month ago” is def what he’d tell the bats!!!!! He so sad about this but don’t wanna tell anyone!!!! (I know that this song is about the girl dying BUT Peter going back to his universe is him BASICALLY dying in the bats universe!!!!)

This 100% the vibe I get whenever Peter is ‘pretending’ to be in love with Jason and completely the gay agenda (they are fooling nobody!!!!!)

This is Peter(especially chapter 9) cause he just starts to feel. Unreal? Like everything happening is both real and not real. he is ready to let to who he was but who he is clings to him. He can’t leave. He is not a good person but he is only ever kind. He is not worthy of love but all he is, is loving.

VERY JASON CODED!!!! He is willing to break his bones because in his eyes, his wound should bleed to heal to the broken. But all he’s doing is hurting himself in hopes he finds a way to love himself.

JASON WITH BRUCE!!! Jason is broken and hurting and in need of help but as long as Bruce stays 100 FEET away, he’s good. He’s willing to bear the pain of his ‘sin’ as long as Bruce doesn’t need to know about it.

ANWAY!!!!!! LIVE LOVE LAUGH AT THESE SILLY SILLY GUYS!!!

Took me too long to get to this! I love all these recs!

As always, I raise you my own!

Dead ass, the inner monologue of Jason to Peter:

Hope you're here for life, if you're not, then there's no hate though / But I pray to God every night, make sure that fate don't / Throw you to the fire...

The guy's abandonment and trust issues playing: he wants Peter around, but doesn't feel like he can ever commit to believing that will happen. And he certainly doesn't feel like he'll ever be entitled to demanding (or even asking) that Peter stay and stop thinking of returning to his old universe!

Wish I could keep you in amber / Safe from the outside / Hope that you'll always stay gold

He does see Peter as someone who's above the sordid makings of Gotham and just hopes he won't be twisted and damaged by the city like he feels he has!

[grumfield]

hi!. first of all, i'm absolutely obsessed with your blog, thank you for posting, i've never felt so validated reading someone's posts before. i'm currently falling deeply into the star wars abyss and i was wondering if you could recommend any books you personally liked (the angstier the better)? i'm a complete fandom newbie, so far I've only seen movies and clone wars season one, but id love to hear your opinion on what I should read next. if it's not a weird request. sorry if it is! have a nice day.

WAAAAH thank you so much!!! So glad you’re here and I’m SO HAPPY to recommend books to you because I was exactly in your position only a few months ago!

Okay. So the consensus within the fandom, especially if you’re an Obikin enjoyer (not sure if you are, but if you’re following me I suspect you at least find their platonic dynamic compelling), is that if you’re going to read one book it’s the Revenge of the Sith novelization by Matt Stover, and I agree with this. I’m not someone who was ever interested in reading movie novelizations but this book single handedly changed my mind. It’s exceptionally well written and just has this pervasive sense of growing doom that’s super unsettling while also giving a lot of emotional dimension to all of the characters in ways that film really isn’t able to. There’s a lot of interesting choices that are made—Anakin’s fall feels explicitly like Palpatine is taking advantage of an oncoming mental health episode and pushing him to snap, Anakin’s perception of the Obi-Wan/Padmé affair is tied more to anxieties about the two people he loves most not wanting him around than infidelity…there’s a lot of scenes that are in the book that aren’t in the movie that really just hit like a gut punch.

It’s absolutely great for angst, it’s written in such a unique way and literally the last scene gave me full body chills when I first read it. Horrible, beautiful, highly recommend it. Also uses second person narration in ways that are very clever.

(Also, it like…portrays Obi-Wan as like. A repressed gay monk in love with his oblivious straight friend and it’s incredible)

Now for my more personal recommendations for after you read that, if you want more!

I am a massive Rogue Planet and Jedi Quest enjoyer. They are honestly the cornerstones of my characterizations for these characters. Despite being a singular book and a middle grade series respectively, I group them in the same category for their absolutely incredibly compelling way it portrays the foundation of Anakin and Obi-Wan’s relationship—specifically how absolutely fucked it is in ways that aren’t super clear in the movies. They take place after the Phantom Menace and before AOTC, so cover Anakin’s time as Obi-Wan’s padawan.

Rogue Planet by Greg Bear follows Obi-Wan and Anakin on a mission when Anakin is 12 and there’s no way I can describe it other than it reading kind of like…what if the Virgin Mary was a permissive boymom who sucked at her job and the kid she’s raising has a 50/50 chance at being Jesus or Satan. Obi-Wan in this reads like the most 15 year old 28 year old ever, is still reeling from the death of Qui-Gon and has entered the motherhood phase of “my child is perfect and special and can do no wrong ever ever ever”. He’s extremely permissive and has hinged an unsettling amount of his hopes on Anakin’s role as the Chosen One because of his own personal issues. So when Anakin does shit like…oh I don’t know…accidentally explodes a man’s head with his mind…does things he isn’t supposed to Obi-Wan is like. Don’t Worry You Did Nothing Wrong I Will Ignore It.

And then hot on the tails of this is the Jedi Quest series by Jude Watson which follows their relationship after that on various missions as Anakin grow up. The series kind of focuses on the systemic ways in which Anakin leading up to AOTC was let down and what eventually drives his decisions later. Do not be fooled by it being a series for 12 year olds, it’s absolutely apeshit and additionally my favorite place for informing my perspective of their dynamic. Obi-Wan has gone from being boymom to being more emotionally distant as he tries to make Anakin be an “ideal jedi”. Jude Watson’s entire thesis is that like, Obi-Wan is not father brother or friend to Anakin, he is a Jedi, and does not have the tools to be anything else so his and Anakin needs and wants more. There’s this insane line at the end of book one where Anakin says like “Obi-Wan would come to love him. He would make him do so” which just acts as the through line for the entire series. the push and pull between someone who wants more and someone who consistently holds back creates this very unhealthy master-disciple dynamic that drives me insane. (I have kind of an uncharitable perspective of Obi-Wan because of this but it’s actually what made me love him even more, I prefer Jude Watson’s portrayal of him to almost any other author)

Anyways that’s my long drawn out first 3 recommendations to you lol! If you like them (or if you don’t!) feel free to come back and I’d be happy to chat with you more <33

[cyncerity]

I saw you asking for stuff. Could u do a ghost Tommy and ghost hunters sbi with ranboo? safe vore. Tommy is an old soldier ghost. He died protecting is group and the town don't remember his name just his story. feel free to do what u want to it

I took some tiny liberties with this, but this idea has been infecting my brain for days now so i hope you like it!!

tw: soft, safe vore, talk of suicide, character death (duh it’s ghosts)

Ranboo sat in the back of his family’s van, pressing lightly on his stomach as he felt a few marbles come back into his mouth before he swallowed them back down again, as he’d been doing for a few hours at this point. Machinery rattled in the back of the van; different cameras, scanners, and other ghost hunting stuff. Ranboo had been in this game for a few years, when he met his adoptive family Phil and Techno. They met him at his group home and realized he was something special, and something that could definitely help with their less than normal job.

Ranboo grew up lonely. They never knew their birth parents, as they were given up as a baby. So what did lonely kids do? Well, in Ranboo’s case, learn magic! That would surely make them cool! They became good with cards, regurgitation, and slight of hand, cause what else were they supposed to do with their time? They very quickly learned that the others kids didn’t find any of that cool, and they were only pushing potential friends farther away. Eventually, they set their sights on a family, but that didn’t seem to be going well either. Ranboo lost almost all hope of being adopted by the time they were a teenager. Until one day when he met Phil and Techno. Two best friends (they had to make it very clear to the adoption agency that no, they were not gay, Phil had a girlfriend, they just wanted a kid together cause fuck it why not, which in Ranboo’s opinion made perfect sense). These two were weird. Like, really weird. And Ranboo loved them immediately.

They were professional ghost hunters (which almost made the adoption agency kick them out, they had to call Phil’s girlfriend Kristin to verify that she had a stable job and was supplying Phil and Techno with enough money to properly take care of a child) and were looking for another member of their troupe. Ranboo believed in ghosts wholeheartedly, and was ecstatic when they showed genuine interest in his magic tricks (which included the marbles, to his surprise). When Ranboo turned 16 he was officially legally adopted, and it was the best birthday present he ever could have received. From that point on, the three of them were a ghost hunting team (Kristin still had a “real job” cause they needed money), and quickly learned that Ranboo was a pretty damn powerful medium. He could sense and communicate with the dead through their machines far easier than either of his dads, and had helped them find plenty of haunted locations in the past.

The place they were headed was a memorial to an old war, some place that Ranboo had a feeling was incredibly haunted. Now, museums were normally at least a little haunted, but almost never haunted enough to make him feel ill. But this memorial, whatever is was, was unwieldy upsetting to him.

“You doin’ alright back there, kid?” Techno asked from the drivers seat, and Ranboo swallowed down his marbles again to answer. “Yeah, just, uh, a bit nervous. Something feels…off about this place.” “As you’ve said,” Phil chuckled. “Whatever’s here has to be mega haunted.” He said, fiddling with his camera. Oh, right, they were youtubers too, Ranboo almost forgot that part. They had a somewhat popular channel and Ranboo was incredibly grateful that his parents were very considerate with what he wanted to put online. Right now, Phil was just trying to make sure their main handheld worked. “Yeah, something’s here. I’m sure.” Ranboo adds. This was about to be one hell of a trip.

~~~

It’s midday when they arrive at the museum of the town of L’Manberg, somewhere none of them had ever even heard of. They meet a nice man who Phil had called over the phone to do a tour with. He introduces himself as Mr. Manifold, or just Jack, and leads them around the museum. Apparently, this small town had a lot of war time history, and Jack knew loads of it, since apparently he’d had an ancestor who fought, which was pretty cool. Ranboo tried desperately to feel for anything specific attached to the man, especially if he had a great great grandfather who died in these parts, but nothing. No ghosts. Ranboo still felt wrong, but he couldn’t find why. Nowhere they went had any sort of supernatural readings, no matter how cool it all was. With every nervous glance Phil and Techno gave to Ranboo, he felt worse and worse that he could have led them somewhere useless.

Until that one room.

Apparently, the museum was built over a specific relic of the war. Jack started leading them down an old stone staircase, into a place he said was called “the final control room.” There were old half decayed wooden chests lining the walls, moss infested stone bricks, and a single wooden button in the center of it all.

As soon as Ranboo entered the room, they collapsed.

They had never had panic seize them like this in their entire life. Something in the room, something about it, was wrong. So, so wrong. Something had happened in there, something that hurt a lot of people. Something that time couldn’t let go, that had lingered in that room and hit him like a freight train over a hundred years later. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t see through his own tears, and could only barely feel Techno lift him and run him back out of the room.

“Something bad happened in there.” Ranboo muttered as soon as he was able to. Phil and Techno looked to Jack, who explained that that was the very room where the infamous L’Manburg traitor tried to kill the original founders. He apologized for taking Ranboo in, but they insisted they were fine to continue the tour. So, Jack did. Eventually when he finished (with no more incidents, thank god), Phil thanked him profusely for his expertise, and Jack wished them all well and invited them to explore on their own a bit to stop and read.

“Im so sorry, i swear to god I felt something, i still do, there has to be something here, there has to-“ Ranboo started apologizing as soon as Jack was out of hearing range, only for Techno to cut him off. “It’s ok, Ranboo, it’s ok. Maybe you’re just off your game, it happens to everyone, we’re not mad at you. You figured out what was wrong with that room, maybe that was all it was. And hey, we get to look around this cool museum!” Ranboo looked and saw the genuine excitement in Techno and Phil’s eyes and chuckled, ignoring the feeling that the control room was definitely not what he was looking for, no matter how upsetting it was. His parents were both huge history buffs, and he bet that they loved being here and just learning more than even finding actual ghosts.

“Ok, yeah, I- I’m just gonna go sit outside, if that’s alright. I feel like i’m suffocating in here. You guys keep exploring and call me later, we’ll meet back up then.” “If that’s what you want to do, mate. Keep in touch.” Phil tussled Ranboo’s hair, and him and Techno left to put their paranormal equipment back in the car, leaving Ranboo to find their way outside through a back door. He stepped out and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He felt better…for all of two seconds.

Then he opened his eyes and panic hit him again.

The outside area to the museum was a historical town, a place that held some of the exact homes that L’manberg citizens lived in over a century ago, and with those homes was a horrible sight that almost made Ranboo pass out from sheer panic for the second time that day.

A tower. Massive and made of cobblestone, it grew to lengths almost higher than Ranboo could physically see. It was old, moss covered, and slightly crumbling, as old stone is, but still sturdy. The control room was nothing compared to this thing.

Ranboo managed to keep himself from throwing up as he made his way closer to the tower and read its plaque: “Tower of the Child Soldier.” Ranboo pulled some of the marbles up to his mouth and started chewing on the glass, a nervous tic that Kristin warned would break his teeth one day, but for now her warning was the farthest thing from his mind. He read on.

“This tower was built by an original citizen of L’manberg who couldn’t take the war efforts, ending their own life by jumping off this very tower. Letters and documents from other soldiers around this time indicate the victim of this tragedy was a child. This stone is a testimony to the cruelty of war, and just how many innocent people were lost not just to the battle, but to the wars they were fighting with themselves. Rest in peace, Child Soldier, your memory has lasted far beyond your years. To learn more, visit the memorial of the Forgotten Soldiers.”

Ranboo didn’t know when they started crying. This was horrible, so so horrible. But, for the first time, they felt like they found part of what they were here for. He rushed back in the museum and found Jack shockingly quickly, asking about the memorial to the forgotten soldiers. Jack explained that while the stories of many remembered veterans’ stories were told in the museum itself, there was another memorial to the soldiers whose names and faces had been erased over time.

The memorial Jack led them too was, admittedly, beautiful. It was outdoors, marble archways and columns aligned in a circle with display cases with belongings. Some of the things were all together and labeled that it’s likely they all belonged to the same person, though historians were unsure who those people were. Some display cases just held random objects. Finally, there was a small room with a door and a staircase. Jack said that it led to the room where the rest of the memorabilia that belonged to the child soldier was. So, Ranboo thanked him and went down.

The hallway at the bottom was narrow, the walls were glass cases lit up and filled with remnants from this poor kid. Diary entries, songs and poems, hand knitted scarves and jackets, and mementos that were presumably gifts from their friends. There were even letters from people who knew them, ranging from talking about how irritating they were as the youngest soldier at just 16, some talking about how they’d never met someone so loyal and it was a shame they were fighting in such a huge war so young.

Ranboo had never felt quite like this in his entire life. He honestly couldn’t help the tears that rolled down his cheeks. He felt utterly sick to his stomach, pain stabbing him through the gut at the sheer grief he felt. The feelings weren’t his, something was pushing this onto him. This was what he set out to find; this poor child, only a little bit younger than he was now, losing his life to suicide in this war. “I’m not sure if it’s you that’s here,” Ranboo started quietly, “but…but I’m here to talk to you. To learn your story. I’m a medium, I just want answers.” Nothing. Ranboo continued. “I’ve never had a place make me feel like this. I knew something happened here the moment I heard of this town, and I needed to see. I learned about the war, I learned about the rebellion and the betrayal and-“ at that, a draft blew through the room, dropping the temperature drastically. Ranboo was sure he closed the door behind him, and even if he hadn’t, it wasn’t this cold outside.

“I know, I know that must have been horrible, I can’t imagine, I went in that room and just the sight of the stone and chests sent me into a panic attack. I can’t imagine what it would have been like in person.” It felt like a rock was sinking in his gut the more he talked about the control room, so Ranboo shifted gears. “I’m so sorry. I’m about as old as you were, I can’t imagine. You didn’t deserve it, you didn’t deserve any of it. And you don’t deserve to be stuck here alone. This place may have forgotten you, but I don’t want to. I’m here. I want to be here, if you’ll let me be.” Ranboo could barely finish speaking before he fell to the ground, his forehead pressed into his knees as he began to sob. He knew these feelings weren’t his, he knew it, but he also couldn’t reason through the blind grief and sorrow he was feeling enough to care.

With no warning, the lights in the display cases at the walls went out, leaving a single illuminated case right in front of him, the center of it all: a uniform. White and blue with accents of red. Tattered, torn, with small patches and embroidery on it. And at the foot of the case, a little ghost stood. Barely 5 inches tall, standing just on the other side of the glass. Ranboo was…well shocked, to say the least. He’s been able to feel ghosts, sure, but he’s never seen one. Half of him didn’t think they could even have a visible form until right now.

The child soldier was a boy, somewhat translucent and shaded blue, with dirt filled hair, sunken almost glowing blues eyes, and a torn up mismatched outfit of whatever he must have been wearing when he died. He stared up at Ranboo, who he’d let stop sobbing, tense and full of distrust. But as Ranboo looked at him, he found himself tearing up again all on his own. “You look…exhausted.” The little ghosts eyes went wide, shoulders dropping as he began to cry again. Ranboo laid a hand in front of the glass, and was shocked when the ghost stepped through onto it. They pulled him up to their chest, feeling the cold and only half corporeal being press into them and cry as Ranboo swiped a finger up and down his back.

“It’s been so long,” the ghost muttered eventually. “Even when I was alive, I…” He trailed off, and Ranboo didn’t push him to continue. “It’s ok.” Ranboo said, cause what else were they supposed to say? It was a ghost. A real, actual fucking ghost, it was taking all of their self control to not freak out. All things considered, it looked weak, but if this kid was what was infecting the museum and the memorial and messing with their head like that, Ranboo could guess that he was anything but. “I’m here to help, however i can.” “How?” the ghost whispered in response. “I’m dead. Thats it. I didn’t do well enough in life, now I’m here forever. Even if you can finally see me, you can’t stay.”

“Can I take you out of here? You don’t deserve to spend the rest of your afterlife surrounded by the same places you were for your entire life. I travel a lot, I’ll take you.” Ranboo wasn’t sure why he was offering. He certainly didn’t need to, he just met this dead kid. But…something about all of this hit home for them. They lived their life seemingly alone, unappreciated, and helpless. Getting a family had been Ranboo’s saving grace, maybe they could be a saving grace for this ghost too.

“I…I’d love to go. But I can’t.” the ghost admittedly sadly. “Im stuck here. Im bonded to this stupid uniform and there’s nothing else in here that I’ve had a stronger connection with. There’s only one thing I might be able to re-bond to, but it’s not down here.” “Wherever it is, I’ll find it.”

“I had it throughout the whole war, and it was on me when I..when I died. I’d bet it’s there. If you find it, I’ll be able to follow wherever it goes. That’s how I think it works, or at least, that’s how it feels like it should work. You’re the first person who’s ever been able to see me like this, I want to trust you. If you really can somehow feel my emotions, you’ll find it. Help me and I’ll leave with you.” “I’ll find it, then. I’m not leaving you behind.” He didn’t know why he became so attached to the ghost, but he wasn’t going back on his word now. Ranboo pulled the ghost away from his chest, holding him to eye level with one hand and holding the other outstretched. “I’m Ranboo.” The ghost grinned, his smile taking up his whole face as tears still poured from his eyes. He took one finger with his hands and shook. “I’m Tommy.”

~~~

The sun was starting to set by the time Ranboo gathered everything they needed for what they were about to do. Whatever weird physic connection they had to Tommy was truly fucking with their head as they circled the tower, trying to get a sense of where this thing might be. Almost everyone in town was home for the night, which Ranboo was grateful for since he was pretty sure that digging up around a memorial site was probably unappreciated at best and illegal at worst.

He was running fully off his own intuition, digging near the front of the stone, quickly realizing that whatever Tommy needed was in that area. It luckily wasn’t too far down, since Ranboo was only using their hands, but eventually they found it: a compass. This was it. Almost as soon as their hands touched the old iron, the sick panicked feeling they’d had since first arriving here went away, though Tommy’s lingering grief remained. They pulled a water bottle from their backpack and quickly cleaned off the compass with their shirt till it shone like it hadn’t been buried for a century. They opened it’s clasp to find the inside miraculously untouched and clean of grime, save for a message that had been scratched into the inside years ago: “Your Tubbo.” Along with this, it was fully functional, pointing in a direction that was decidedly not North but hey at least the hand was working. They clenched it in one hand and pushed the upturned soil back into place with the other. They had to push back more tears as they thought that this had been Tommy’s, now unsure if the sadness was theirs or not, but that was an issue for later. Right now they just needed to steal this century old historical artifact and be on their wa-

“Ranboo! There you are, Phil and Techno have been lookin’ for you!”

Now call it a practiced reflex or whatever, but when a kid who has spent most of their free time practicing magic tricks that may or may not involve swallowing marbles gets caught by a museum curator holding what could be a priceless addition to the museum that they are not going to give up, you can imagine that in the panic to hide it, muscle memory may kick in.

Ergo, you know exactly where the compass ended up the second Ranboo heard Jack’s voice.

Ranboo turned away from the monolith to see Jack running towards him, trying to keep his cool and pretend everything was fine as he felt the cold metal of the compass slip down his throat and into his stomach, eventually clinking against the marbles he hadn’t had time to pull to his mouth. “You alright, man?” he questioned, and Ranboo nodded. “Yup! yup, totally, absolutely nothing wrong here, heh…where are my parents? I have something to show them.”

~~~

“This is crazy, we didn’t even know this was here!” Phil said, standing at the cobblestone tower. “It’s sad, too. You said there was more stuff left behind by this kid?” Techno asked, and Ranboo nodded, wanting to get back to the other memorial as soon as possible so they could get Tommy and get out of this town. “Yes, there’s a little underground tomb thing in his memory, and we need to go there before it closes and we head home.” Ranboo said with a determination that was rare for them. Techno and Phil took the hint to follow.

Making his way back to the memorial, Phil and Techno looked around a bit at some other artifacts, but Ranboo bolted straight back to where Tommy was. Racing down the steps, he saw all the lights were still broken except for the uniform spotlight, and Tommy was nowhere to be seen. “Tommy, it’s me, I’m back. I found it, I found the compass. ‘Your Tubbo,’ right? You can come with me, I’ll get you out of here.” Nothing. He waited. He heard the district footsteps of his parents behind him, but paid them no mind. “Tommy? It’s ok, you don’t have to hide! It’s me, Ranboo, your friend, remember? Tommy??” He started to get frantic, and felt a calming hand on his shoulder. “Calm down, Ran, you don’t need to have another panic attack today. Who’s Tommy?” “The soldier, this soldier!” Ranboo said, pointing at the uniform. “The kid, the one who built the tower! He asked me to find something, it was where he said it would be, I spoke to him, I touched him, he was here!! Please, please you have to believe me-“ “We do, mate, we do!” Phil interjected, taking Ranboo’s hands in his and rubbing circles into the backs of his palms. “You spoke to a ghost, that’s incredible! But, maybe if you found what he wanted, he’s moved on? You helped him find peace.” “He didn’t want peace, he just wanted a friend! I told him I’d be back for him.” Ranboo practically sobbed. He again didn’t know what came over him, he was never like this. He barely knew this ghost, why was he getting so worked up over this?? Phil and Techno exchanged glances that told him they were thinking the same thing he was.

“Ranboo, listen to me;” Techno said, placing his hands on his kid’s shoulders, “you helped him. He’s at peace now because of you. He probably didn’t know that would happen, but he’s ok now. He’s happy, alright?” Ranboo took a few deep breaths, and suddenly felt a shocking wave of calmness wash over him. And by shocking, he meant freezing. It was like a bucket of ice water had been poured over his head, but he no longer felt ill. Sure, he was shivering, but he felt…better. So, so much better. He was worried about Tommy, but maybe his parents were right, maybe he had moved on. Maybe Ranboo had helped him.

No one noticed that the air in the cellar grew warmer as the trio left the up the stairs.

~~~

Ranboo’s sense of calm had persisted as he was helping pack up his family’s van, now knowing they’d have to drive through the night to get home, but so did the chill. In fact, his shivering had gotten so bad that Phil had stopped to buy him a blanket and a few packs of hand warmers at a gas station, and that was barely doing anything. It had been a few hours at this point, and while Techno was driving in silence and Phil was asleep, Ranboo found himself laying across the backseat pulling the marbles back up to his mouth again out of habit, only to barely suppress a hiss of pain when they hit his teeth. They were fucking cold, and the sensation on his teeth was incredibly unpleasant. Pulling the marbles out of his mouth, he was shocked to discover that they were coated in ice, fully frozen over.

None of this was making sense. They set the marbles aside, sitting up somewhat and pressing a hand to their torso underneath the blanket. It was frigid, the entire area of his stomach was ice cold. Was…was it the compass? Could it be?? He tried to pull it up, but for the first time in years, he couldn’t. He tried again. Nothing. He tried a third time, and this time distinctly felt something yanking the compass back into his stomach.

The aura of calm (which Ranboo was quickly realizing was being pushed onto him like the panic had been earlier) was cracking, and Ranboo began to panic. He couldn’t throw up, his body temperature had dropped by at least 10° F, and his stomach felt like it had frostbite. What could he possibly have done, what could possibly-

wait.

The air in his stomach was dropping in temperature, his emotions were being manipulated, and the compass was in his stomach, the one thing that the ghost had said he’d be able to latch onto to leave with Ranboo.

no fucking way.

“Tommy…?” Ranboo whispered as loud as he would dare as to not disturb his parents. He waited for a response, until-

“I was wondering how long it’d take you.”

Ranboo could have screamed. The calm aura shattered, and he slapped a hand over his mouth to keep from hyperventilating while his other hand stayed firmly grasped over his stomach. Fuck. Holy fuck, there was a ghost inside of him. Was he possessed, or was this being haunted? It felt like he was being haunted, more so, but either way he would certainly fucking rather not be. “What are you doing in there?! Get out!!!” Ranboo hissed frantically, still trying to pull the compass out of his stomach and hopefully the ghost along with it. The compass was pulled back down regardless.

“Hey, don’t yell at me like this is my fault! Why would you swallow my compass anyway? Don’t you think it was a bit of a shock for me to see you walk into my room, feel the presence of the most valuable item I owned before I died, and attach myself to it only to end up in here?! Pretty damn weird way to rescue a guy, if I do say so myself.” Tommy snarked, and Ranboo sighed. “I’ll explain later, I don’t want my dads to hear me. I’m sorry, now let me bring you out.” “No can do.” Tommy replied. “I don’t, uh, deal with adults well. I heard them talking to you, that’s why I didn’t just leave the second I ended up in here. I’d rather not meet your folks. And myself and the compass seem to be just fine.”

“I’m gonna die.” “No you won’t, pussy. I’m not that cold.” “The metal against my stomach lining is!” Ranboo quietly argued, “just let me bring the compass up, i’m not gonna get rid of it. I want to help you, but i can’t do that if we’re both ghosts.”

“You…you still want to help me?” “‘Course.” Tommy responded in silence for a few seconds, before sighing. “Fine, but if you toss it I’ll curse you.” Ranboo hummed in agreement, not bothering to argue that if he wanted to toss it he wouldn’t have dug it up and certainly wouldn’t have swallowed it in the fucking first place, and this time when he pulled up the compass it came easily. When he pulled it out of his mouth, a cloud of steam came out with it like he was standing outside in negative degrees. Sure enough, the compass was frozen and almost hurt his hands to touch, so he immediately opened a new pack of hot hands for it, wrapping it carefully.

With nothing else in his stomach, he could start to focus on what Tommy himself felt like, which he’d expected to be nothing, but was…definitely something. Firstly, the ghost was cold, as was to be expected, but oddly physical. Like, there was a noticeable weight in his stomach, but he was generally used to that. Tommy didn’t necessarily weigh…less or more than the marbles, but he weighed differently. His weight was spread out, and since he wasn’t as solid as what Ranboo normally swallowed, it felt strange. He could feel something, someone, in there, but it wasn’t like anything he’d felt before. He…didn’t hate it. Tommy was almost…soft? Like a form made of tv static that he could feel along the bottom of his stomach, but he still had a form and some mass. Tommy hadn’t said anything since he gave up the compass, so Ranboo took the opportunity to press his unoccupied hand against his stomach, feeling where the front walls touched Tommy’s form and the tv static feeling spread. Then he felt Tommy press back, seemingly done with talking for the night. Ranboo patted where he felt his stowaway and laid an arm over his…well, he guessed friend now.

Something warm lit up in him when he realized he’d finally have a friend, even one his own age (Tommy still acted like a teenager, so in his mind, it counted). He genuinely couldn’t wait to get to know Tommy better, learn about ghosts and how he lived, and more, but he quickly figured out that excitement was not the only thing making him feel warmer. Tommy, who seemed to be completely unconscious, was warming up slowly, and Ranboo was confused for all of 2 seconds before looking back at the compass. Right, the hot hands. He guessed Tommy was more linked to this thing than previously thought. Ranboo looked down at his torso, arm still over his friend. Yeah, Tommy deserved to be warm after all his time in that cold ass cellar. He reached down and placed the compass, still in hot hands, right in front of the car heaters that Techno had been blasting for the entire ride. He felt his stomach heat up a lot faster, and swore he heard Tommy sigh as he felt the tension in the ghost’s frame melt away. Good, if this is where Tommy needed to relax, Ranboo could do that.

[camaro-and-smokes]

It's Always Been You

💙❄️ Here's my @harringroveholidayexchange fic I wrote for @freezef4wn ❄️💙

Characters: Billy Hargrove, Steve Harrington, Robin Buckley, Eddie Munson, Max Mayfield Warnings: No Warnings Tags: No Upside Down, Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, POV Alternating, Gay Billy Hargrove, Bisexual Steve Harrington, Feelings Realization, Mutual Pining, Hurt/Comfort, Billy & Max Have a Good Relationship, Past Mungrove hinted, Past buckleway hinted, the Byers never moved to California, Getting Together, First Kiss Words: 13,557

Summary: Billy’s presence had become comforting. Having someone to talk to who was here seemingly from their own will, even if not entirely, made Steve feel less lonely. At least he wouldn’t leave. Even if they agreed to disagree on many things, Billy found Steve’s lousy jokes funny and was sharp as hell. Steve just had started then pay attention to things he’d never had before. When the light at the bar hit Billy’s hair just the right way, it created a bright halo around his head. The way the corners of his eyes crinkled when he grinned widely, his tongue stuck between his teeth, the way his laugher rang loud and bright…

And in this special purgatory Steve had spent the last few months.

Read on AO3 >>

::::::::::

The snow fell in lazy flakes outside Family Video, each one a tiny reminder of the winter that had gripped Hawkins early this year. Steve leaned against the counter, drumming his fingers on the scratched Formica surface, tracking the descent of one particularly large snowflake with his gaze.

The bell above the door chimed, jolting Steve from his reverie. Mrs. Thompson, a blonde, well-shaped woman, walked in. Like she always did on a Friday.

And like every time, Steve plastered on his most charming smile. “Mrs. T, come in to get your weekly rom-com fix?”

Mrs. Thompson chuckled, her eyes twinkling. “Oh, you know me too well, Steve. But I think I’ll shake things up this time. Got anything new?”

“Well, let’s see what we can find for you. Action? Romance? How about a little of both?”

Steve had repeated those words way too many times to his own liking. For years, even. At twenty-three, he was still stuck in this stupid job and this stupid town where everything seemed to stay all the same.

After graduating, he had applied to colleges, but none of them had accepted him. So, he’d kept this job, thinking it was just temporary. Thinking something better would come up, maybe a job in Indianapolis or Chicago. But it never had happened, he never really went looking, and here he was, still in Hawkins and at the same dead-end job.

All his friends had moved away to study and the only ones left were the kids who also were now old enough to graduate next year. Then everyone would be gone, and he’d still be here, in this town, alone.

Well, except for Billy. Yeah, him. They’d turned from rivals to…acquaintances over an incident.

+++

Steve had seen Billy with the brunette many, many times. She was gorgeous, of course. It was always the gorgeous ones who attracted each other. And the way she and Billy seemed to be glued from the hip year after year made Steve sure they’d get married and have two kids, a picket fence, and a golden retriever.

But then Steve went to the men’s bathroom at Hideaway one Saturday night. He heard the very distinct noises of an intimate encounter from one stall and decided to be quick about his business.

Now, in a bar bathroom, there are two rules; you don’t try to get a peek at what others are packing, and if you hear noises of two consenting adults, you make your own visit quick and let them finish.

So, Steve had been concentrated on his own business and was already hopeful of being able to slip out before the couple would come out.

But just as he turned around to leave, the stall door opened—and the couple turned out to be Billy’s brunette with another woman . Which was a surprise. Though fair, Steve had made a conclusion based on hearing only the orgasm of a woman and not thought of the possibility of that being caused by another one.

When he returned to the bar, he saw them sit down at the booth where Billy was waiting. And it seemed that Billy was totally unfazed. Poor bastard didn’t probably even know.

Steve knew it really was none of his business, but witnessing a guy being cheated first hand made him feel uneasy. If someone had seen Nancy cheating when they’d gone out, he would’ve wanted to be told about it.

Which was why, when he later noticed the women had left, he picked up his beer and walked over to Billy's table. “Hey. Um…I, uh, I saw something earlier and you might want to hear about it.”

Billy cocked his head as he looked up. “What?”

“I saw your gal earlier, in the men’s bathroom.”

Billy snorted. “She’s not my gal.”

Steve looked at him, puzzled. “Huh?”

“Yeah. I assume you saw her in there with…” His voice lowered. “A girl?”

Okay, so Billy knew. Which made Steve’s insides twist even more. He nodded.

Billy took a pull from his cigarette. “Yeah. She’s not my gal.”

“Oh…OH.”

“Yeah, oh.”

“Hmm. Right. Because I, uh, I…I always thought…you’re always glued from the hip. Seemed normal to assume that.”

Billy’s smile faltered just for a second before returning to his face. “Well, it’s not good to assume things.”

“Ah…yeah, you’re right. Of course. Sorry,” Steve said, shaking his head. “I’ll go nurse my embarrassment to the bar and leave you alone.”

“Well, the seat is free now since they left.”

The invitation surprised Steve. Billy’s calm demeanor overall surprised him. They hadn’t really even talked after high school and Steve had been happy about it, since Billy had always been as loud and crass as ever.

“But by no means go back and sit at the bar alone if you prefer that,” Billy continued after a moment, a smile tucking the corner of his mouth. “Since it seems to be so hard to decide.”

“Uh, no, I…I’ll stay,” Steve said, feeling stupid. He must’ve frozen from surprise.

The worn leather seat creaked as he sat across from Billy. He didn’t really know what to talk about with him. Cars? Steve knew shit about cars. Movies? Billy came by Family Video almost weekly to rent a movie or two for him and Max. Max . He knew Max. A little.

“So…I heard that Max is applying to college.”

Billy nodded and took a sip from his beer. “Yup. She’s planning on getting out of this town.”

“That’s how it’s supposed to be,” Steve said quietly. “She’s got a good chance at scholarships, I guess?”

“Yeah. Though I’m playing it safe. Been saving a little to make sure she can make it.”

Steve’s brows shot up. “You’re helping with her tuitions?”

“If it comes to that, yeah.” Billy raised his eyes from his glass to look at Steve. “Did you assume that I’d stick around in his hellhole just because it’s such a fine place to live in?”

“Uh…” was all Steve could get out of his mouth. He felt mortified for having a foot in his mouth like this. Apparently finding out that Billy wasn’t a total asshole anymore and was generous to that extent had sprained his brain.

Billy chuckled and took another pull of his smoke. “Yeah, turns out there actually is more to me at twenty-two than there was at eighteen. I was surprised too.”

Steve squeezed his eyes closed. “I’m sorry. I’m being such a dick right now.” He looked at Billy. “Can we start over?” He reached his hand over the table. “Hi, I’m Steve Harrington.”

Billy chuckled as he took Steve’s hand and shook it. “Hargrove. Billy.”

+ + +

That night, Steve had stayed at the table for a few more hours. They’d ordered more beer and just talked. Steve had learned that the reason Billy hadn’t taken off to California, like he’d always loudly announced to everyone at school, was that his dad had split to flee tax fraud charges—which was the very same reason that had brought the family to Hawkins in the first place. So, when Max and Susan had been left to their own devices, Billy had let his grip loosen from fulfilling his own dream, at least for a while, gotten a job, and stayed to help them. To help Max .

It seemed that Billy had changed for the better. Even if he wasn’t about to marry the brunette, whose name was Heather, he had a lot of good things going for him in this hellhole .

At least Billy was here by his own choice.

From that onward, whenever they ran into each other, they exchanged a few words. Sat at the same table at the bar, sometimes played some pool—Billy always won.

They weren’t exactly friends, but yeah, they knew of each other.

Steve was drawn back from his reverie, Mrs. Thompson nudging his arm.

“Are you alright?”

“Huh?”

“You went all glassy-eyed there for a minute. Thought you’d faint on me.”

“Uh, right. No, I’m fi—I’m fine.” He ran a hand over his face. “Just a bit tired today. That’s all.” He looked at the shelf of films again, returning to his role as the helpful video store clerk. “How about ‘Romancing the Stone’? Adventure, romance, and Michael Douglas looking ruggedly handsome. Can’t go wrong there.”

Mrs. Thompson giggled, a faint blush coloring her cheeks. “Oh, you! I’m not sure if my husband would approve.”

“Well, this is for you and not for him, am I right?”

Mrs. Thompson giggled again, a faint blush coloring her cheeks, then nodded enthusiastically.

“Alright, I’ll rang you up on it then.”

As the bell chimed when Mrs. Thompson walked out with her film and silence settled over the store, Steve’s smile faded. He looked back at the window, watching the snow continue its relentless fall. In the reflection, he saw someone who was trapped, yearning for something he couldn’t quite name.

With a sigh, he picked up stack of tapes, put them on the small trolley and walked to the shelves. There were always more movies to organize, more customers to small talk with.

And maybe a chance that Billy might walk through that door and change everything.

Yeah.

Billy, who always came in on Fridays around five pm to pick up a movie for Max and El and one for himself. Billy, whose weekly five-minute visit to Family Video Steve always waited like the moon to rise…

Steve wasn’t sure at which point exactly he’d started to think more of Billy. He’d known for a while now that his interest wasn’t limited to just girls, so the realization itself wasn’t a total surprise. That it was Billy, then again, was.

Billy’s presence had become comforting. Having someone to talk to who was here seemingly from their own will, even if not entirely, made him feel less lonely. At least he wouldn’t leave. Even if they agreed to disagree on many things, and Steve still couldn’t fathom why Billy was so infatuated with his friend Eddie’s band Corroded Coffin. But Billy also found Steve’s lousy jokes funny and was sharp as hell.

He’d just started then pay attention to things he’d never had before. When the light at the bar hit Billy’s hair just the right way, it created a bright halo around his head. The way the corners of his eyes crinkled when he grinned widely, his tongue stuck between his teeth, the way his laugher rang loud and bright…

And in this special purgatory Steve had spent the last few months.

The door bell chimed again and Steve turned, expecting another customer, but found himself face-to-face with Robin. Her hair was dusted with snow, her cheeks flushed from the cold.

“Hey!” Steve said, setting the tapes down and walked to her, enveloping her in a tight hug. “Didn’t know you were in town!”

“In other words,” Robin said, “you didn’t think I’d come home for Thanksgiving?”

“I didn’t say that,” Steve replied with sheepish a smile.

“Of course I’m home for thanksgiving! Wouldn’t miss the chance to see you on the side.”

“Well, I’m glad I’m not entirely forgettable,” Steve chuckled.

“Saw you recommended Mrs. Thompson ‘Romancing the Stone’, Casanova,” she quipped, sidling up to the counter. “You know, there are other movies in this store.”

Steve clutched his chest in mock offense. “You wound me! I’ll have you know ‘Romancing the Stone’ is a cinematic masterpiece.”

“Yeah, and I’m sure Mrs. Thompson’s appreciation for cinema is what’s got you pushing it so hard,” Robin retorted, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

Steve rolled his eyes. “I have you know that I’ve actually given up on that kind of behavior.”

“Oh? You just think of someone special nowadays?”

Steve fidgeted with the hem of his vest. “Maybe.”

Robin’s eyes widened. “Who?” Then she scrunched her nose. “Don’t say it’s one of your hookups. You know what happens with them.”

“Nope, no a hookup. At all. I kind of…know of…know them.”

Robin tilted her head. “Them?”

Steve knew it would turn into a full-blown interrogation until he finally revealed who he was thinking of. Might as well tell her now. “Billy Hargrove,” he sighed, deflated.

The name hung in the air between them, and Steve felt a mix of relief and terror wash over him. He watched Robin’s face carefully, searching for any sign of judgment or disgust.

When she didn’t reply, Steve asked, “Everything alright?”

“Um…yeah. I’m just…why him?”

“Well, we’ve been talking here and there and…you know how it goes.”

Her gaze softened. “You start noticing things and thinking it might actually be nice to know more about them?”

Steve nodded.

“Is he a nice person? I remember him as not much so.”

“He’s saving to help Max get through college.”

Robin looked gobsmacked. “Oh, wow.”

Smile tucked the corner of Steve’s mouth. “That’s what I said.”

“Well, you know how you can find out if they feel the same? You talk to them.”

Steve sighed, leaning against the counter. “He isn’t gay.” He paused. “I think. Besides, I don’t want to ruin our perfectly well-functioning knowing of each other. He’s one of the few good things about this town.”

Steve would’ve wanted to talk more, but the bell above the door chimed, and his heart leapt into his throat. Billy strode in, his hair and shoulders dusted with snow, his eyes scanning the store.

Steve’s palms instantly went clammy, and he straightened up, trying to appear nonchalant. He tried to act cool, fumbling with a stack of returns on the counter as he noticed Robin had vanished from his side as if into thin air. Thanks for the support, Robin.

“Hey, Harrington!” Billy called out, his voice filling the quiet store. “Got any recommendations for a snowy evening?”

Steve’s mind raced, searching for a witty response. “Depends,” he managed, proud that his voice didn’t betray the butterflies in his stomach. “Are we talking ‘National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation ’ kind of night, or more ‘The Shining’ situation?”

Billy laughed, the sound warming Steve from the inside out. Steve couldn’t hold back a smile of his own.

“Man, you really do have a movie for every occasion, don’t you?”

Steve shrugged, trying to act nonchalant. “It’s a gift, I suppose.”

As Billy browsed the shelves, Steve’s eyes traced the familiar lines of his profile, the way his jacket clung to his shoulders. He forced himself to look away and busied himself with reorganizing the counter.

“So, how’s the garage?” Steve asked, desperate to keep the conversation flowing.

Billy shrugged, picking up a VHS case, reading the description on the back cover. “Same old, same old. You know how it is. Cars break down, we fix ‘em. Day in, day out.”

“Yeah, rinse and repeat,” Steve murmured, a familiar ache settling in his chest. “I know exactly how it is.”

As Billy turned to leave a moment later, ‘Commando’ for him and ‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’ for Max tucked under his arm, Steve’s gaze followed him, lingering on the way some of his curls escaped from his messy bun. The bell above the door chimed, a bittersweet sound that seemed to echo Steve’s internal struggle.

“See you around, Harrington,” Billy called over his shoulder, flashing that crooked smile that never failed to make Steve’s heart skip a beat.

“Yeah, see you,” Steve replied, his voice barely above a whisper. He watched Billy’s retreating figure through the store window, a familiar longing settling deep in his bones. The urge to call out, to say something—anything—more meaningful than their usual banter clawed at his throat, but the words remained stubbornly lodged there.

As Billy disappeared past the windows, Steve let out a heavy sigh. Robin appeared at the other side of the counter, wrapping her unbelievably long scarf around her neck.

“You left me alone with him!” Steve seethed.

“Well, I couldn’t be sure I could’ve kept myself from saying something.”

“Hey, as if it would go over well if I said anything,” Steve retorted. “‘Oh, hey Billy, by the way, I know we chat here and there. Surprise! I’m into you. Wanna grab a beer?’”

“Well, what if it worked? What if he said ‘Sure, let’s get that beer’?” she asked, shaking her head. “Sometimes I think you’re more afraid of things working out than falling apart.”

Steve turned to her, his brow furrowed. “What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked, this time actually offended.

“Maybe you’ve become so used to being an uncommitted guy that the idea of actually putting yourself out there terrifies you.”

Her words hit Steve like a punch to the gut, and he opened his mouth to argue, then closed it again, realizing she was right.

He knew he’d become that guy who was good enough for having fun with, but not worth pursuing seriously for. It had become easy, not needing to even think of a future together anymore.

He had become easy.

It disgusted him. He didn’t want to be like that. He wanted to take care of someone and to be cared for. To build a future. But the thought of rejection and destroying a perfectly functional knowing of each other was downright terrifying.

+++

The acrid smell of motor oil and the rhythmic clanking of tools filled the air as Billy slid out from under the rusty Chevy he’d been working on. He wiped his grease-stained hands on a rag, eyeing the car’s undercarriage with a mixture of pride and frustration.

“Hey, Hargrove!” called out Mr. Wilkinson, the garage’s owner. “Mrs. Anderson’s here for her oil change. Think you can handle it?”

Billy nodded, pushing a stray curl away from his face. “No problem, boss. I’ll get right on it.”

When he walked through the door to the waiting area, he saw Mrs. Anderson waiting there. He felt a familiar tightness in his chest. She had been his high school English teacher, and he felt a twinge of embarrassment remembering his younger self’s antics in her class.

“Well, if it isn’t Billy Hargrove,” Mrs. Anderson said, a hint of surprise in her voice. “I hardly recognized you without the attitude.”

Billy forced a smile. “Good to see you, Mrs. A. Oil change, was it?”

She gave Billy the keys, and as he sauntered to the car and drove it in, he found himself grateful for a little small talk and doing the same mechanical work he’d done a thousand times before; hoist the car up, drain the oil, lower the car back down, change the filters, fill the oil, send the client on their way.

It all was a far cry from what he’d been at school, lashing out at anyone who got too close.

“You know, Billy,” Mrs. Anderson said as he returned and gave the keys back to her, “I always knew you had potential. It’s good to see you’ve found your footing.”

Billy felt a warmth spread through his chest, mingled with a twinge of regret. “Thanks, Mrs. A. I appreciate that.”

He returned to the car he had been working on earlier, but his mind was elsewhere. The repeating sounds of work and engines running badly and then well a moment later after fixing the issues echoed the hollow feeling in his chest. The same scenery, the same faces, the same damn routine every since day.

While Mr. Wilkinson had told Billy he was the perfect candidate to take over the garage when he’d retire in a few years’ time and had also begun to train him for the job, it only eased his mood a little. Sure, now he had future prospects, something solid waiting for him in a few years’ time that also guaranteed Max getting her college education for sure.

But it didn’t change the fact that his own life missed something more. Someone. Steve.

God, Steve.

Even after all these years, just thinking about him made Billy’s heart race. He could picture Steve’s easy smile, the way his hair fell across his forehead, the dark eyes that seemed to hold so many secrets.

“Earth to Billy,” a voice called, snapping him out of his reverie. It was Joe, his coworker, waving a wrench at him. “You gonna finish with that rust bucket or just stare into space all day?”

Billy forced a laugh. “Just zoned out for a second.”

But as he walked back under the hoisted car, Billy’s mind wandered again. What would it be like to actually connect with Steve? To tell him how he felt?

“You’re dreaming, Hargrove”, he muttered to himself. Steve’s straight, and even if he wasn’t…this is Hawkins.

Even so, a small part of him couldn’t help but wonder. What if there was a chance for something more?

Billy stared at the chassis, trying to dislodge the thoughts. They’d grown closer since the incident in late August, and he couldn’t shake the feeling that had taken root in his heart; that something was finally happening between them. Something that might make him feel alive in this dead-end town.

The sudden sound of footsteps pulled Billy from his reverie. He tensed, his fingers tightening around the wrench in his hand. The footsteps were hesitant, unfamiliar. Not the confident stride of his boss or the casual gait of a regular customer.

A throat cleared awkwardly behind him. “Uh, excuse me?”

Billy’s breath caught in his throat. He knew that voice. Slowly, he turned to look at the direction of the voice, his eyes widening as they landed on the figure standing by the car.

Harrington stood there, looking as handsome as ever, even in a stupid turtleneck and jeans. His dark hair was slightly disheveled, probably from taking off his woolen hat. His eyes darted around the garage before settling on Billy.

“Hey,” Steve said, his voice a mix of relief and uncertainty. “I think…something’s broken in my car. It keeps this squealing noise and the lights keep flickering from time to time. I was hoping if you could…” His words trailed off. “I’m not sure if it’s serious or not,” he said, gesturing vaguely towards the outside.

Billy’s heart raced as he struggled to maintain his composure. He nodded, trying to appear nonchalant despite the whirlwind of emotions churning inside him. “Yeah, sure. Maybe the alternator belt is finished. When do the lights flicker?”

As Steve began to explain, Billy found himself captivated by the way Steve’s lips moved, the slight furrow of his brow as he described the car’s symptoms. Billy forced himself to focus on the words, not the speaker, even as his mind screamed at him to say something, anything, to bridge the gap between them.

Instead, he listened silently, nodding at appropriate intervals, all the while wondering if Steve could hear the thundering of his heart in the quiet of the garage.

He wiped his grease-stained hands on a rag, his mind racing as he searched for the right words. “Yeah, I think it’s the belt,” he said, his voice steadier than he felt. “I can take a look to make sure.”

Steve nodded, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “That’d be great. Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it,” Billy replied, clearing his throat, desperate to fill the silence. “Uhm, can you drive it in?”

When the car was inside, he opened the hood and looked for the culprit as the engine was running idle.

Steve leaned against a nearby workbench, his posture casual, but the fidgeting of his fingers betraying a hint of nervousness.

Billy couldn’t come up with anything to say, so he leaned further into the motor than was necessary. He already knew what was wrong, but his cheeks were so warm that he knew they were beet red and he just couldn’t get up and face Steve, not yet. Might as well check everything that ever needed checking.

“Yeah, alternator belt is worn, it has to be replaced,” Billy said when he finally felt sure enough to lean back up.

“Oh, okay,” Steve said, rubbing his hands on his thighs. “How long it takes to fix it?”

“It just needs to be replaced. But we don’t have one that fits your car here right now. We don’t serve European cars that often so I have to order it from Chicago. We can have it here by tomorrow afternoon.”

Steve looked mortified. “Do I have to leave it here for the time being?”

Billy shook his head. “No, if you don’t mind the off chance that it snaps off while driving. But if you drive carefully, you should be just fine for a few more days. Bring it in the day after tomorrow.”

Steve nodded, still evading Billy’s eyes, his cheeks flushed.

A sudden thought hit Billy. What if Steve…What. If?

“Yeah, uh, I’ll bring it in then. I’ll ask a ride back from Dustin. He can pay back a little for the driving lessons that way,” Steve said as he took the keys from Billy.

Their hands brushed slightly together at the exchange, and both of them stopped for a moment, making the air between them charged.

Then Steve moved his hand and turned to get into the car, breaking the moment.

Billy opened the garage door for Steve to reverse out. He followed the BMW with his gaze until it turned the corner and vanished between buildings.

“Fuck,” he muttered to himself as he pressed the button to close the door.

He got back to work on the Chevy and walked under it to continue where he left off. But he couldn’t shake the electricity that had gone through him when their hands had touched and the way Steve had seemed nervous. Had there been a flicker of something more? Or was he just dreaming?

Billy sighed, wiping his brow with the back of his hand and leaving a streak of grease. He couldn’t keep doing this to himself. Steve was straight, probably uninterested, and completely oblivious to the turmoil he was causing in his heart.

+++

The fluorescent lights of Family Video cast an eerie glow over the faded movie posters lining the walls. Steve sighed, drumming his fingers on the worn counter as he watched the clock tick by with agonizing slowness.

Another day, another shift in this dead-end job.

“Excuse me, do you have any new releases?” a middle-aged woman approached, interrupting his brooding.

Steve plastered on his best customer service smile. “Sure thing. What are you looking for?”

As he guided her through the new releases section and then rang her up, Steve’s mind wandered. Is this really all there is? Recommending movies to people living vicariously through a screen while my own life passes me by?

“Thanks for your help,” the woman said, jolting Steve back to reality.

“No problem. Enjoy your movie night,” he replied automatically, already feeling the familiar restlessness creeping back in.

The bell above the door chimed, and Dustin, Mike, and Lucas strolled in, laughing and shoving each other playfully.

Dustin walked to the counter and tilted his head, squinting. “You’re brooding again. Tell me it isn’t the you-know-who.”

Steve shook his head, trying to dispel the melancholy thoughts. “Just thinking that next year this time, you’re all somewhere else. And I’ll still be here.”

“You know, that’s entirely your own choice,” Dustin said. “You could leave anytime you want.”

“I guess,” Steve replied. Dustin was the last person he wanted to infect with his misery, so he changed the subject. “Die Hard is coming out on VHS just before Christmas.”

“It doesn’t make it a Christmas film!” Lucas shouted from somewhere between aisles.

“It literally takes place on Christmas,” Dustin shouted back. “How much more Christmas can a film get?”

Steve listened to the familiar bickering between the teenagers with a twinge of envy. To be that carefree again, with the entire world ahead of you…

Focus on the positives , he told himself. At least you have a job. At least you have a roof over your head. But the pep talk rang hollow, doing little to ease the gnawing sense of being stuck.

As his shift finally ended and Sarah, the new girl, took over, Steve grabbed his jacket and headed out into the chilly evening air.

On impulse, he decided to go to Hideaway for a beer or two. It was Saturday, and he didn’t have a shift tomorrow—and besides, he’d just sit in front of the TV the whole evening and fall asleep on the worn couch and then wake up at two am to an aching back.

And especially he didn’t hope that Billy was also at the bar. Nu-uh.

The familiar creak of the Hideaway door announced his arrival, and the warm, smoky atmosphere of the bar enveloped him. Dim lights cast long shadows across the worn wooden floor, and the low hum of conversation mingled with the soft strains of classic rock from the jukebox.

Steve’s eyes scanned the room, his heart rate picking up when he spotted Billy in a booth at the back of the bar. His shoulders were hunched over a beer, his long hair tied back in its usual messy bun.

Steeling himself, Steve approached. “Hey, man,” he said, sitting across from Billy. “How’s it going?”

Billy raised his gaze, his piercing blue eyes meeting Steve’s. “Didn’t expect to see you here tonight. How’s the car?”

“Yeah, I, uh…the car’s fine. Thanks for that.” Steve signaled the bartender for a drink. “So, what’s your excuse for being here? You got nothing else to do on a Saturday night?”

“Nah. Could’ve gone to Indianapolis. But didn’t. You could do that too.”

“Yeah. Maybe. Wouldn’t want to spend money on a hotel though. Couldn’t make it home after a binge in a bar. Here I can walk home if it comes to that.”

“I thought you still lived in that mansion in Loch Nora. With the beemer and all.”

“Nope. Wanted to get away from that empty house. I guess my folks are selling it, moving to Chicago full time.”

Billy nodded and lighted a smoke. He offered one to Steve, but Steve just shook his head.

After a while of silence, Steve continued. “Yeah, they’re leaving and I’ll still be stuck here.”

Billy nodded, taking a swig of his beer. “Hawkins’s got a way of making you feel trapped, doesn’t it? Like you’re stuck in quicksand, and the more you struggle, the deeper you sink.”

Steve felt a surge of connection, realizing Billy understood exactly how he felt. “Exactly. It’s like…I had all these dreams, you know? Things I wanted to do, places I wanted to see. But now I’m here, working at the video store, and it’s like time’s just…stopped.”

Billy leaned in, his voice low. “I know what you mean. Sometimes I look around the garage and wonder if this is all there is. If I’ll be changing oil and fixing transmissions for the rest of my life.”

“What would you do?” Steve asked, genuinely curious. “If you could do anything, go anywhere?”

Billy’s eyes lit up, a rare genuine smile spreading across his face. “I used to dream about California. But now…I’ve always wanted to restore classic cars. Not just fix them, but really bring them back to life, you know? There’s this shop in Chicago that specializes in it. Sometimes I dream about apprenticing there.”

Steve nodded, feeling a warmth spread through his chest. “That sounds amazing. You’d probably be great at that.”

His heart skipped a beat as Billy’s smile lingered, the warmth of their conversation settling around them like a comfortable blanket. He found himself studying Billy’s face, noticing the long lashes that spread like a shadow over his cheeks as he looked down at his beer, the slight stubble along his jawline catching the dim bar light.

“What?” Billy asked, his grin fading to a look of confusion.

Steve quickly averted his gaze, heat rising to his cheeks. “Nothing, just…thinking.”

But his mind was racing. When had Billy become more yo him than just the bully from high school? When had his presence started to make his palms sweat and pulse quicken?

Billy shifted in his seat, his fingers drumming an uneven rhythm on the tabletop. “So, uh, you want another beer?”

“Sure,” Steve replied, grateful for the distraction.

As Billy made his way to the bar, Steve couldn’t help but watch him go. The way Billy moved, confident yet somehow guarded, stirred something in Steve he wasn’t sure how to handle.

“Get it together,” Steve muttered to himself, running a hand through his hair. “It’s Billy, for crying out loud.”

But that was precisely the problem.

Billy returned, setting a fresh beer in front of Steve. Their fingers brushed as Steve reached for the glass, sending a spark through Steve.

“Thanks,” Steve managed, his voice slightly strained.

Billy nodded, settling back into his seat. He seemed to avoid eye contact, his gaze darting around the bar. “No problem. So, uh, you’ve been seeing anyone lately?”

The question caught Steve off guard. “Me? No, not really. You know how it is in this town.”

Billy’s shoulders visibly relaxed. “Yeah, tell me about it. Slim pickings, right?”

Steve laughed, but it felt hollow. How could he explain that the only person he was interested in was sitting right across from him? That the thought of admitting his feelings—of potentially losing their perfectly functional knowing of each other—was paralyzing?

“Right,” Steve agreed, taking a long swig of his beer. “Slim pickings.”

+ + +

Billy felt warmth flowing over him. For the first time, he was talking with Steve about something else than the weather or movies. It felt comforting. Maybe there was something between them. Something more than just… knowing of each other. He’d hoped for it for so long. Hell, he’d settle just for a friendship, if nothing else. Which was probably as good as they’d ever get. Steve being straight and all.

Suddenly there was a commotion at the bar, people loudly greeting someone, and he turned to look. His heart leapt at the sight of the familiar long dark hair—Eddie.

“Holy shit, it’s really him,” Billy said, a grin spreading across his face.

“Who?” Steve asked, frowning, as he turned to look.

“Eddie!” Billy got up. “I’m gonna go say hi.”

Billy walked to Eddie. “Well, look what the cat dragged in,” he said, getting Eddie’s attention.

Eddie’s eyes lit up, that mischievous spark Billy remembered so well dancing in them. “Billy! Man, it’s good to see you!”

They embraced, Billy’s chest tightening with genuine joy. “Welcome back, you crazy bastard. How long’s it been?”

“Too damn long,” Eddie laughed. “LA wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Figured I’d come home, see what trouble I can stir up here.”

+++

As they caught up, Steve watched from the table, his stomach churning. Seeing Eddie’s arm slung easily around Billy’s shoulders sent a jolt of jealousy through him.

So, they used to be friends. No big deal.

But it felt like a big deal. Steve’s eyes lingered on Billy’s animated face, the way he laughed at something Eddie said. A familiar ache bloomed in Steve’s chest, one he’d been trying to ignore for months.

Billy got Eddie a beer and lead them to the booth where Steve was waiting.

Steve plastered on a smile, willing himself to make space in the booth. “Eddie, man, welcome back,” he said, hoping his voice sounded steadier than he felt.

Eddie’s grin was easy, genuine. “Steve! Good to see you. How’ve you been?”

“Oh, you know,” Steve shrugged, aiming for nonchalance. “Same old Hawkins. Nothing new.”

“You still work at the video store?” Eddie asked as he sat next to Steve.

“Yeah, still sorting tapes for a living.”

“Hey, that’s a respectable job. Unless like a guitarist who turns out to be only good for serving drinks to the real rockstars.”

As Eddie launched into a story about his time in LA, Steve found his gaze drawn to Billy. The way Billy’s eyes sparkled as he listened, the curl of his lips as he smiled—it was like a punch to the gut.

They look way too comfortable with each other. What if they were…

He shook his head, trying to focus on Eddie’s words. It’s nothing, it doesn’t matter , Steve told himself firmly. Friends. That’s all.

But as Billy’s laughter echoed at the booth, Steve couldn’t quite make himself believe it.

Suddenly, he felt like he was suffocating.

+++

Billy’s brow furrowed as he observed the shift in Steve’s demeanor. The nervous energy from earlier had transformed into something more guarded, almost defensive.

Steve’s gaze darted between him and Eddie, a flicker of something—uncertainty? Jealousy?—in his eyes.

“Everything okay?” Billy asked Steve softly, confusion and concern mingling in his chest. He couldn’t shake the feeling that Eddie’s arrival had disrupted more than just their conversation.

Steve nodded stiffly, his earlier warmth replaced by a forced smile. “Yeah, fine. I should probably get going, actually. Thanks for the beers, Billy.”

As Steve got up to leave, Billy felt a pang of disappointment. What had just happened? The connection he’d felt just moments ago seemed to slip away, leaving him with more questions than answers.

As Steve made his way towards the door, Billy shouted after him, making Steve turn to look at him. “We’re going to grab something to eat tomorrow. You’re welcome to join us,” Billy offered, hoping to ease the tension.

Eddie looked at Billy for a moment, surprised. “Uh, yeah. Yeah. Sure.”

Steve’s eyes widened slightly, a conflicted expression crossing his face. “Oh, I…I wouldn’t want to intrude,” he stammered.

Billy felt a twinge in his chest, torn between his friendship with Eddie and his desire to connect with Steve. He watched as Steve’s gaze darted between them, a mix of confusion and something that looked almost like hurt in his eyes.

“It’s no intrusion, man,” Eddie chimed in, oblivious to the undercurrents. “The more the merrier, right?”

Billy nodded, trying to catch Steve’s eye. “Absolutely. What do you say?”

Steve’s internal struggle was evident in the way he hesitated, his facade cracking to reveal the uncertainty beneath. “I…I should probably get going. Thanks for the offer, though,” he said, his voice strained as he turned and left the bar.

After Steve was gone and Billy sat back to the couch, Eddie raised an eyebrow. “Everything okay, man?”

Billy nodded absently, his eyes still fixed on the door. “Yeah, ’s fine,” he mumbled, though his chest felt tight with disappointment.

+++

The string of lights tangled in Steve’s fingers as he stretched to reach the far corner of the ceiling. His arms ached from the repetitive motion, but his mind barely registered the discomfort.

Instead, it replayed the scenes from the last few weeks since Eddie’s return over and over like a broken record.

Billy’s easy laugh. Eddie’s hand on Billy’s shoulder. The easy banter between the two. Billy laughing at Eddie’s stupid jokes. Eddie grinning widely every time Billy jabbed at him. The way they seemed to suddenly do everything together.

It was infuriating.

“Shit,” he muttered as a bulb slipped from his grasp, shattering on the floor of the store. He sighed, descending the ladder with careful steps.

What did it mean? The question gnawed at him, refusing to be silenced. Were they really…? No, he couldn’t let himself go down that path.

As he bent to retrieve the fallen bulb, Steve caught sight of his reflection in the store’s front window. The furrow etched between his brows made him look older, more careworn. He barely recognized himself.

“Fuck it,” he muttered, shaking his head as if he could physically dislodge the doubts clouding his mind. But Billy’s face lingered, his eyes seeming to see right through him.

Steve ran a hand through his hair, mussing it further. “You’re reading too much into things,” he said aloud, his voice echoing in the empty store.

But even as he spoke the words, they rang hollow.

The bell above the door jingled, breaking Steve’s reverie. He turned to see Robin bustling in, her arms laden with a cardboard box overflowing with glittering ornaments.

“Well, don’t you look festive,” she quipped, eyeing Steve’s lackluster expression. “Did Santa put coal in your stocking already?”

Steve couldn’t help but crack a smile. “Hey, I’m working on it. Rome wasn’t decorated in a day, you know.”

“Clearly,” she retorted, setting the box down with a theatrical huff. “Good thing I’m here to rescue your Christmas and not Kevin—who apparently got sick on a Saturday morning. Again. What a surprise. Hand me those tinsel garlands, Scrooge.”

“I was just about to ask, how come you’re here? Your lectures ended already for this year.”

“Yup,” she said, popping the p. “Thought that I’d might as well come home early and to check on you, how you’re doing without my help. Poorly, I see.”

As they worked side by side, draping tinsel and hanging baubles, Steve felt some of the tension ease from his shoulders. Robin’s presence was a welcome distraction, her sarcastic comments and playful jabs pulling him out of his own head.

“So,” she ventured. “Any luck with Hargrove yet?”

Steve paused, a red ornament dangling from his finger. “No,” he replied quietly.

Robin’s eyes narrowed slightly, studying Steve’s face. “Out with it.”

Steve sighed, fiddling with a strand of lights. “It’s nothing, really. I just…I don’t know. Things have been weird lately. With Billy, I mean.”

Robin’s expression softened, the sarcasm fading from her voice. “Weird how?”

As Steve stumbled through an explanation, he couldn’t help but notice the way Robin listened, her usual quips giving way to genuine concern. It struck him then how lucky he was to have her as a friend. He ended his explanation with, “Eddie came back.”

Robin looked at Steve expectantly. “The rockstar-Eddie? So?”

“Well, they’re close and…Billy’s been spending a lot of time with him.”

“That doesn’t mean anything. Weren’t they glued to the hip already back in high school?”

“I guess,” Steve muttered, fiddling with the garland he was holding. “But it could’ve been because, you know…”

“So, you’re still not doing anything about it? Just brooding alone instead of, you know, asking like a normal person?”

Steve’s stomach twisted. “I don’t know if I can—”

“Sure you can,” Robin cut him off, her voice softening. “Look, I know it’s scary. But if you don’t ask, the answer is always no.”

“Yeah, I know,” Steve muttered.

Robin pondered for a while. “Hey, isn’t the traditional Byers-Hopper Christmas Dinner again on next Saturday?”

Steve glanced at her. “Yeah. What of it?” His eyes widened. “You think they’ve invited Billy?”

“Well, Max is always there, isn’t she? Is it such a stretch that he might be tagging along?”

“He’ll probably come with Eddie, anyway. It wouldn’t work.”

“What then if he comes with Eddie? You don’t know for certain they’re together, right?”

“Well, it isn’t the kind of thing you advertise in this town now, is it?” Steve retorted.

Robin stared at him for a moment. “Yeah, as if I didn’t know, dumbass.”

Steve pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m sorry. Didn’t mean it like that.”

“You don’t have to say the words, not immediately. Just…get him a present and give it to him. Let him know you’ve been thinking of him.”

Steve nodded. It actually wasn’t a bad idea. “But I don’t know what he likes.”

Robin hummed and pursed her lips in thought for a moment. “Well, what a guy who works with cars likes?”

“Uh, cars?”

“U-huh. And what particular car?”

“…His own?”

“Bingo!”

Steve pondered the idea for a moment. “Huh. Okay. I can work with that, I guess.”

+ + +

Billy’s mind whirled as he drove through the snow-covered streets of Hawkins and towards Family Video to rent a few films with Max. His chest felt tight, constricted by pent-up longing and fear.

He hadn’t seen Steve for a while and it was bothering him. Which was why they were on their way to the store, renting a film for Max as a prize from good grades as the excuse. And Max herself as a shield.

He probably doesn’t even like guys, he repeated his age-old reasoning like a broken record.

As they parked in front of the store, its neon sign bright in the gray afternoon light, Billy took a deep breath, steeling himself.

The bell above the door jingled as Max stepped inside in front of him, the familiar scent of popcorn and musty carpet washing over them. His eyes scanned the aisles, heart racing as he searched for a glimpse of dark hair.

“You gonna stand there all day, or are we actually renting something?” Max’s voice cut through his thoughts, startling him.

Billy blinked, realizing he’d been frozen in the doorway. “Yeah, yeah, I’m coming,” he grumbled, following her inside. With each step, he felt a mix of anticipation and dread building in his chest, unsure if he was more afraid of seeing Steve than not seeing him at all.

“What’s with you, anyway?” Max asked as she scanned through the new releases shelf. “You didn’t call me shitbird even once while we were driving here.”

Billy chuckled. “Yeah, sorry, shitbird. Happy?”

Max snorted. “So what’s it gonna be today? Another shirtless hero?” she teased, elbowing Billy in the ribs as they meandered down the aisle.

Billy scoffed, but a faint blush crept up his neck. “Shut up, Max. I’m not the one who cried during ‘The Officer and A Gentleman’ last week.”

“Hey, that was a beautiful story!” Max retorted, her voice rising in mock indignation. “Besides, I seem to recall someone getting misty-eyed during—”

“Alright, alright,” Billy cut her off, rolling his eyes but unable to suppress a grin. “Let’s just pick something and get out of here.”

After picking up ‘National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation’ they made their way to the counter, and Billy’s heart leapt into his throat. Steve had appeared behind the counter, his hair slightly tousled as he organized the tapes on the counter.

Billy froze, his palms suddenly sweaty. The sight of Steve, bathed in the soft glow of the overhead lights, made his knees weak. He struggled to maintain his composure, forcing himself to breathe normally.

“Earth to Billy,” Max whispered, nudging him. “You okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Billy swallowed hard, his eyes still fixed on Steve. “’m fine,” he muttered, willing his racing heart to slow down. His legs felt like lead as he approached the counter. Steve looked up, his eyes meeting Billy’s, and a flicker of…something—Billy couldn’t exactly tell what—passed over his face.

“Oh, you went with a classic!” Steve said, taking the tape from Max. “Go easy on popcorn with this. It’s guaranteed to make your stomach hurt just from laughing.”

“So…how’s work been?” Billy asked, desperately searching for something to say.

“Same old, same old,” Steve replied with a shrug, his casual demeanor both alluring and frustrating to Billy.

“Haven’t seen you around for a bit.”

The polite smile on Steve’s face faltered as he rang up the film. “Yeah, been busy.”

“U-huh? Well, just so you know…” Billy started and paused. “Hideaway isn’t quite the same without you.”

Steve gave the tape to Max and looked at Billy—actually blushing. “Is that so?” he asked quietly.

Billy nodded, not sure his voice would carry.

Steve smiled, but the smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Maybe I’ll stop by.”

Max interrupted them. “Hey, are we going or what?” she shouted from the door.

“Uh, yeah.” He glanced at Steve before walking away. “See you.”

Max was waiting by the door, her eyebrows raised curiously. As they sat in the truck Billy drove in the winters—he’d learned not to take the Camaro on the icy roads—she looked at Billy. “What the actual hell was that?”

Billy started the car and put it in reverse. “It’s called none of your business, shitbird.”

As he backed the truck out from the spot, making the car swirl slightly on the ice despite it having winter tires, she kept grinning. “Oh, this is so, so good!”

Billy felt his cheeks burning as he stepped on the gas and the car lurched ahead. “You know shit!”

“You’re crushing on him! Even a blind person can see that.”

“Shut up, Max. It’s not like that.”

“Oh, please,” Max scoffed. “I could practically see the hearts in your eyes from across the store. You’ve got it bad.”

“I said drop it,” Billy growled, but there was no real heat behind his words.

“You know, you could just ask him out,” she said. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

Billy’s mind immediately supplied a dozen worst-case scenarios, each more mortifying than the last. “You don’t get it,” he sighed. “It’s complicated.”

After he’d dropped Max off at her trailer, Billy drove to his own and slumped onto his bed, the springs creaking under his weight. He ran a hand through his hair, loosening it from its bun. Max’s words echoed in his mind: What’s the worst that could happen?

He sighed, staring at the ceiling. “So many things,” he muttered to the empty room.

Rolling onto his side, Billy caught sight of his reflection in the mirror. His eyes stared back, filled with a mixture of longing and fear. How hard can it be to talk to someone you already know?

But Steve wasn’t just someone. He was the culmination of years of hidden feelings, of stolen glances in high school hallways, of dreams Billy had barely allowed himself to acknowledge.

What if the reason he hadn’t come to the Hideaway lately because he had found someon…?

Billy couldn’t finish the thought. The possibility of losing even the fantasy of a relationship with Steve was paralyzing.

+ + +

The neon Budweiser sign cast a soft red glow across Billy’s face as he hunched over the bar, nursing his fourth whiskey of the night. Familiar sounds of the Hideaway washed over him—raucous laughter from the pool tables, the clink of glasses, classic rock crackling through ancient speakers.

Billy’s gaze drifted to Eddie behind the bar, his long dark curls falling over his face as he mixed a rare cocktail.

Eddie glanced at him and gestured to Billy’s nearly empty glass. “Another?”

Billy nodded, pushing it forward. As Eddie poured, Billy leaned in closer. The whiskey had loosened something inside him, melting away his usual walls.

“Can I tell you something?” Billy’s voice came out rougher than he intended. His hands trembled slightly as he wrapped them around the fresh drink.

Eddie’s eyes met his, curiosity and concern mingling in their depths. “Of course, man. What’s on your mind?”

Billy took a deep breath, the words he’d kept locked away bubbling up inside him. His heart raced as he searched Eddie’s face, wondering if the concern on it would turn into judgment. He decided to just go for it.

“It’s Steve,” Billy began, his voice barely above a whisper. “I can’t stop thinking about him. It’s driving me nuts.”

As the confession left his lips, Billy felt a weight lift from his chest. But another emotion quickly took its place—fear. What if Eddie thought he was pathetic? What if word got back to Steve? Billy’s thoughts raced as he awaited Eddie’s response, the din of the bar fading away until all he could hear was the pounding of his own heart.

Eddie’s eyes widened slightly, but his expression remained open and understanding. He leaned in closer, matching Billy’s hushed tone. “You’re still thinking about him, after all this time?”

Billy’s fingers tightened around his glass. “Yeah.” He paused, swallowing hard. “I thought there was something finally happening, but…I don’t know anymore. We got closer over the autumn, but now he’s become distant suddenly.”

Eddie nodded slowly, his gaze never leaving Billy’s face. “Yeah, haven’t seen him lately either. You know what happened?”

“He’s been like that since Thanksgiving.”

“Oh,” Eddie said after a while, stretching the word. Then his brows raised. “So, why don’t you go and talk with him? It seems quite obvious what’s going on,” he said softly.

“What do you think is going on?”

Eddie smiled a sad smile. “He’s jealous, man. Of you.”

“Pfft,” Billy scoffed. “As if.”

“No as-ifs,” Eddie said, rubbing his forehead with his hand, frustrated. “Jesus. You’ve pined over him for years and he’s finally warming up to you, only to go incommunicado suddenly when I turn up. Just—please. Talk to the man.”

“Just like that? Where? I can’t tell him that here! Not with dozens of people witnessing it. What if he starts shouting profanities? Calling me names?”

Eddie pondered for a moment. “Do the Byers still organize that Christmas dinner thing?”

“I guess.” Billy furrowed his brow. “You’re suggesting I should do it there?”

“Steve’s still friends with Dustin, right? I can tell Dustin to ask Steve to come. All you need to do is get yourself there somehow.”

“I could ask Max if she’s going,” Billy mused.

“Or if not,” Eddie said with a grin, “you can always just crash the party.”

+ + +

The wind whipped snow against Steve’s face as he pushed through the heavy wooden door of the Hideaway a few nights later. Warmth and the familiar scent of stale beer enveloped them, a stark contrast to the biting cold outside.

His eyes adjusted to the dim light, scanning the familiar faces until he spotted Eddie behind the bar. He made his way over, collapsing onto a worn barstool.

“Rough day?” Eddie asked, already reaching for a bottle.

Steve managed a wry smile. “You could say that. Hit me.”

As Eddie poured, Steve’s mind wandered to Billy—and Eddie. The grab of jealousy around his throat tightened. “So…how’s it going with Billy?” he asked, acting nonchalant.

“Hanging out, listening to music, shooting shit. Why?” Eddie replied, wiping a glass with a towel.

There was something in the way Eddie said the words that made Steve’s stomach churn. He emptied his glass in one swig. “Nothing I guess.”

Eddie raised an eyebrow as he kept on with wiping the glass.

Steve was sure Eddie knew what he was talking about. He tapped the counter with his fingers. “Another one.”

After Eddie had poured the amber liquid into his glass, Steve kept looking at him. “Weren’t you supposed to be headlining stadiums by now?” he asked.

“What can I say?” Eddie smirked. “The bright lights of Hawkins were just too alluring to resist.”

Steve let out a rueful laugh. “Right.”

Eddie suddenly poured himself a drink, too. “Not really supposed to do this, but hell, it’s a slow night, anyway. One doesn’t hurt.” He raised his glass. “To Hawkins?”

Steve hesitated for a moment before clinking his beer against Eddie’s shot glass. “Not that it deserves it, but hey.”

As the night wore on and the drinks flowed, Steve loosened up, but never really got to the point that he felt fully comfortable with Eddie. Between serving other clients, while Eddie had talked in abundance about his life in LA—a far cry from the superstardom everyone thought it had been—he had revealed nothing deeper from his and Billy’s relationship.

It was eating Steve alive. Which meant he maybe took a few drinks too much over the evening.

When he asked for yet another drink, Eddie placed a pint of water in front of him. “This first.”

Steve furrowed his brow as he stared at the glass. “You getting all worried about me now?” he slurred.

“Someone’s gotta look after you.”

Eddie went to serve other customers and Steve dutifully sipped the water, feeling his head clearing a bit.

Maybe Eddie wasn’t a bad guy. Maybe he was better for Billy than he would ever be. He was always whining about being stuck, while it admittedly might’ve been a bit of his own making, and now he was moping over losing a guy he never even knew that well.

When Eddie came back, he smiled at the empty water glass in front of Steve. “I can pour you one beer. But then I’ll close your tap.”

“Fair.”

Eddie poured the beer, and after placing it in front of Steve, he leaned his elbows on the counter, lowering his voice. “You okay, man? You seem…I don’t know, like something’s eating you.”

Steve’s eyes snapped back to Eddie’s face, a flicker of panic churning in his stomach. “’m fine,” he said, a little too quickly. “Just…thinking. About stuff.”

“Wanna talk about it?” Eddie prompted gently.

Steve sighed, tracing patterns in the condensation on his glass. “’s complicated. There’s someone…” he trailed off, shaking his head. “Never mind. It’s stupid.”

A smile tucked the corner of Eddie’s mouth. “Someone? You holding out on your bartender? Who’s the lucky lady?”

Steve’s cheeks flushed, and he looked away. “It’s not…I mean, there isn’t…” he stuttered, then took another long drink of his beer. He glanced towards the door, though not sure if it was to get up and run or just to make sure Billy wouldn’t walk in.

Eddie kept looking at him, not pushing him into talking.

Steve couldn’t hold it in any longer. “I think…” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “…I’m in love with Billy.”

It felt as if the words had punched the air out of the bar—though Steve wasn’t entirely sure if it was just how he felt.

“How long?” Eddie asked simply, his expression neutral.

Steve shrugged, his fingers fidgeting with the napkin on the side of his glass. “For a while. Since autumn. I guess.”

“Have you told him?” Eddie asked gently.

Steve’s head snapped up. “God, no. I can’t…He’d never…It’s Billy, for Christ’s sake,” Steve said, as if that explained everything. In his mind, it did. “He’s straight. And even if he wasn’t, why would he want me?” The doubt that had been gnawing at Steve for a long time spilled out in a rush. “I’m just…me. Pathetic loser, stuck in this dead-end town, working a job I hate. He deserves better.”

Eddie’s eyes softened with understanding. “Steve, man, you’re selling yourself short. He cares about you.”

Steve stared at Eddie for a moment, not quite believing his words. “Oh, come on, you’re shitting me.” When Eddie’s gaze remained serious, it hit Steve. “Oh shit. You’re serious?”

Eddie’s smile was sad, and Steve wasn’t entirely sure why.

“Yeah, he does.”

Steve shot up from his chair. “I gotta go tell him…”

��Whoa there, Romeo!” Eddie said as he rushed out from behind the bar and guided Steve back to lean on the bar. “I think you’ve had enough for tonight.”

Steve blinked, surprised to find the room swaying slightly. “I’m fine, I can drive,” he protested weakly, fumbling for his keys.

Eddie’s hand closed over Steve’s, prying the keys out of it gently but firmly. “Not a chance, man. Come on, I’m not working alone tonight. I’ll clock out early and take you home.”

Steve wanted to argue, but the words felt thick in his mouth. He allowed Eddie to guide him off the barstool, his legs wobbling beneath him.

Eddie steadied him, throwing Steve’s arm over his shoulder. “Let’s get you home.”

The cool night air hit Steve’s face as they stumbled out of the Hideaway. Eddie maneuvered him into the passenger seat of his beat-up truck, the metal band stickers on the dashboard blurring in Steve’s vision.

“Eddie,” Steve mumbled as they drove, streetlights flashing by. “What if…what if I mess everything up?”

Eddie’s eyes stayed on the road, but his voice was gentle. “You won’t, man. Just…talk to him when you’re sober, okay? Be honest.”

Steve’s head lolled against the window, the glass cool against his flushed skin. “Yeah…okay,” he murmured, his eyelids growing heavy.

+ + +

The morning sun stabbed through Steve’s eyelids like a thousand tiny daggers. He groaned, rolling over in his bed, the sheets tangled around his legs. His head throbbed, and his mouth felt like it was stuffed with cotton.

“Oh, fuck,” he groaned, pulling the pillow from under his head and over his face to block the sunlight.

He stayed like that for a moment until the headache became unbearable. Pushing himself up on his elbows, he looked around the room—and realized he was in his own bed.

Good, at least he’d made it home. He had no recollection of leaving the bar, though. Had he driven home or walked? No idea.

“Christ…” he sat up slowly, wincing at the hammering in his skull. The world immediately started swaying, and he had to close his eyes.

His head was killing him. It was bad enough that he had drank this much. And that since it was a weekday—was it? Or not?—he probably had a shift in the afternoon.

“Fucking idiot,” he chided himself as he carefully got up and found the wall to support him on his slow shuffle towards the bathroom.

He splashed cold water on his face and looked at himself in the mirror. It reflected his disheveled appearance, pale face with dark circles under his eyes. He turned on the shower and took off his jeans. At least he’d managed to get his shirt and shoes off when coming home. Which was probably an achievement as itself, considering.

Under the warm stream of water, he tried to remember what had happened last night. He remembered going into the bar with the intention of trying to coax information out of Eddie about his and Billy’s relationship. Great idea but incredibly bad execution—he had no recollection whatsoever about what he’d learned, or if he’d learned anything.

So, basically, he was back in square one.

He probably had no choice but to go with Robin’s plan; get the miniature model of the Camaro and give it to Billy at Christmas.

+++

Billy’s reflection stared back at him, a mix of anticipation and dread swirling in his eyes. He adjusted the collar of his red shirt for the tenth time, the curl over his right eye—again.

He hadn’t been this nervous about anything relating to things of the heart for a long time. Not since…well, when he’d asked Eddie to stay—and Eddie had chosen LA over him.

He lit a smoke. He’d tried to go without today, but this was too much. His hands needed something to do.

“So, hey, Steve,” he practiced, wincing at the awkward tremor in his voice. “No, too casual,” he muttered, running a hand through his hair. “Steve, I’ve been meaning to tell you…”

His heart raced as he imagined Steve’s eyes fixed on him, waiting for the words he’d held back for so long. He took a pull from his smoke, squaring his shoulders and jumping a little to loosen himself.

“You can do this,” he told his reflection, trying to channel the confidence he usually wore like armor. But as he gazed at himself, he saw past the tough exterior all the way inside to the soft center. “Don’t screw this up,” he whispered.

He looked at the small box that was waiting on the bedside table. He’d spend hours on trying to think of something Steve would’ve liked and even tried to gouge some ideas out of Max. She hadn’t really been helpful, just had kept teasing him about his crush. But at least she had promised to keep it to herself for now.

He just hoped Steve would like the gift he’d come up with. And the reason why.

With one last glance in the mirror, he grabbed the present, his new thick leather jacket and keys, heading out into the snowy night.

Max pulled the door of the truck open and hopped in. “How in the hell is it this cold in here? Even mom’s car has a heater.”

“Hey! It’s not the warmest, but gets the job done,” Billy said. “Don’t remember you complaining whenever you needed a lift to Lucas’ place,” he said with a lilt.

Max glared at him before she noticed the present in the nook between the dashboard and the windshield. She reached out to take it. “What’s this?”

Billy slapped her hand away. “You weren’t any help picking it, so you’ll learn when everyone else does.” He paused. “Unless Steve thinks it sucks,” he added quietly.

Max glanced at him. “Hey, I’m sure Steve likes it, whatever it is.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah. He’s great. Like, seriously great.”

“Yeah, he is.”

Warm light glowed from every single window of the Byers-Hopper’s house. Christmas music drifted through the door as they approached, snow crunching underneath their boots.

Max rang the doorbell and glanced at Billy. She took his hand in hers and squeezed it. “Just be yourself.”

Joyce opened the door. “Hi Max! And Billy! My goodness, I haven’t seen you in ages. Come on in!”

The party was in full swing, the living room packed with familiar faces. Garlands and twinkling lights adorned every surface, casting a festive glow over the gathering.

Max vanished somewhere in the house with El, and Billy was left alone in the doorway to the living room. He scanned the room, searching for a sign of Steve. His heart sank as he realized he wasn’t there.

Would he turn up? Steve was friends with the curly haired nerd who was also Lucas’ friend. It would make sense that he’d be invited as well. Maybe he just hadn’t yet arrived.

His thoughts were interrupted by a familiar voice calling out to him. “Hey, tough guy!”

Eddie appeared through the crowd, his trademark grin in place as he pushed a red plastic cup into Billy’s hand.

“Thanks,” Billy said, lifting the cup to his nose and sniffing cautiously. “What’s in this?”

Eddie’s eyes twinkled mischievously. “Just a little Christmas magic. Trust me, you look like you could use it.”

Billy took a sip, the warmth of whiskey spreading through his chest. He eyed Eddie suspiciously. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Eddie leaned in, his voice dropping conspiratorially. “You’re here for a reason and it ain’t the eggnog.”

Billy’s brow furrowed as he processed Eddie’s words, knowing well this was all Eddie’s idea. “I…I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he mumbled, his carefully constructed confidence crumbling.

Eddie just shook his head, his smile softening. “Sure you don’t.”

+ + +

Steve’s fingers tightened around the gift-wrapped box as he stood on the Byers-Hopper’s snow-dusted front door with Robin, their breaths forming small clouds in the frigid air. The muffled sounds of laughter and music drifted through the closed door, each note amplifying the nervous energy coursing through his body.

“You know, if you squeeze that present any harder, you might just turn it into a diamond,” Robin quipped, her eyes twinkling with mischief.

Steve let out a shaky laugh. “I’m that obvious, huh?”

“Only to someone who knows you,” Robin replied, nudging him with her elbow. “Relax. It’s just Billy.”

Just Billy.

He took a deep breath, steeling himself. “Right. Just Billy. The guy I’m about to confess my feelings to. No big deal,” he muttered, his attempt at sarcasm falling flat.

Robin’s expression softened. “Hey, you’ve got this. And if it all goes south, I’ve got a pint of Rocky Road with your name on it back home.”

Steve managed a weak smile. “Thanks.”

With one last encouraging nod from Robin, Steve reached out and rang the doorbell. The chimes barely faded before the door swung open, bathing them in warm light and the scent of cinnamon and pine.

After leaving their coats in the hall, they stepped into the living room—and Steve’s senses were immediately overwhelmed.

The room had been transformed into a winter wonderland; twinkling lights cast a soft glow over the sea of familiar faces, and in the corner stood a towering Christmas tree, its ornaments glinting like stars.

Steve’s eyes, however, were drawn to a single point across the room. There, leaning against the far wall with a drink in hand, stood Billy. His hair was open, cascading over his shoulders as a wavy waterfall, the trademark curl hanging over his eye.

And then there was…Eddie.

Billy was laughing at something he had said, his eyes crinkling at the corners in a way that made Steve’s heart skip a beat.

The two of them looked so at ease, so comfortable in each other’s presence.

Steve hesitated, then turned away and sauntered towards the kitchen, stopping to lean to the railing of the second floor staircase.

Max’s voice carried over from upstairs. “…Billy’s been talking about him non-stop. I really hope they hit it off so that I wouldn’t have to listen to it anymore.”

A giggle of two girls followed.

Steve froze. His heart, which had been racing with anticipation, now felt like it was plummeting into his stomach.

“They really deserve to be happy,” another girl’s voice—it was probably El—chimed in.

Steve glanced back at Billy, who was laughing at something Eddie had said, his eyes bright and carefree.

I’m such an idiot, Steve thought, his chest constricting. The room suddenly felt too small, too crowded. He needed air.

“I’ll be right back,” he said as he pushed past Robin and towards the backdoor and the backyard.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Robin asked.

“I need air,” he said as he pushed the door open.

The cold night air hit him like a slap to the face as he walked into the backyard. Steve gripped the railing, his breath coming out in visible puffs. The wrapped gift in his hand felt like a lead weight, a reminder of his misplaced hopes.

What was I even thinking, he thought, staring out into the darkness.

His fingers traced the edges of the gift, remembering the care he’d taken in assembling it. Now, it seemed like a foolish gesture. He leaned heavily against the railing, the cold seeping into his bones, matching the chill that had settled in his heart.

+ + +

Billy’s eyes widened when he noticed the odd girl whom with Steve always hanged out with—Robin, if he remembered right—walking towards him with a determined expression and pointing at him with his finger. Without batting an eye, she invaded his space and pushed the finger on his chest, making him lean into the wall.

“You. Have made. My life. A misery.”

His brows furrowed, annoyance flaring inside him. “Excuse me?” He was sure his tone should’ve made her back up, but it didn’t seem to have any effect on her.

If any, it made her feistier.

She grabbed his arm and pushed him in front of her into the kitchen that was empty at the moment. “I have been listening to him talk about you over and over again for the last few months. I don’t know what happened then, but something changed.” She pointed towards the back door. “Finish it. Today.”

Billy’s jaw clenched, his tough facade cracking slightly. “I literally have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Cut the crap,” Robin hissed, her eyes flashing. “He told me about your gal. Takes a beard to know one.”

Billy’s eyes widened. “I still don’t…”

“I know Heather.” The determination on her face faltered. “We were best friends.”

Billy’s mouth hung open. Heather had told him about her first love. Who had been her best friend.

He was utterly lost for words at the revelation, and Robin must’ve realized it since her face softened. “Don’t walk away because you’re scared,” she whispered.

Billy’s shoulders slumped. “What if…”

Robin smiled. “There’s no what-ifs, trust me.” She nodded towards the backdoor. “He’s in there.”

Billy hesitated, his eyes darting towards the door.

Robin gave him a push. “Go.”

+ + +

Billy stepped out into the frigid night, the sudden chill biting through his thin shirt. His breath clouded in front of him as he scanned the backyard, fairy lights twinkling softly against the darkness. Then he saw him—Steve, leaning against the terrace railing, his shoulders hunched against the cold.

Billy’s heart clenched at the sight of Steve’s dejected posture. He approached cautiously. “Hey,” he called softly, his voice barely audible above the muffled sounds of the party inside.

Steve turned at the sound, his eyes widening in surprise. For a moment, hope flickered across his face before being quickly masked by caution. “Hey, Hargrove,” he said, his voice catching slightly. “What are you doing out here?”

Billy stopped a few feet away, suddenly unsure. He rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “I, uh…I noticed you were missing from the party.”

Steve’s laugh was hollow. “Yeah, well…needed some air, I guess.”

They stood facing each other, the tension between them almost tangible. Billy’s mind raced, searching for the right words. He’d imagined this moment countless times, but now that it was here, he felt paralyzed.

“Listen, Steve,” he began, his voice rough with emotion. “I—”

“It’s fine,” Steve interrupted, his expression guarded. “You don’t have to explain. I get it.”

Billy frowned, confusion replacing his nervousness. “Get what?”

Steve looked away, his grip tightening on the porch railing. “You and…I overheard Max talking with someone earlier. About…about someone you’re interested in. Eddie. It’s no biggie. Your secret is safe with me.”

Billy’s heart skipped a beat. At the same time, he made a note of having a talk with Max later. “Uh…” he said softly, taking a step closer. “I think you’ve…misunderstood.”

Steve’s eyes snapped back to Billy. “What do you mean?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

Billy took a deep breath, steeling himself. The cold air nipped at his exposed chest, but he barely noticed. All he could focus on was Steve, standing there, looking both vulnerable and guarded.

“We’re just friends with Eddie.” He looked down at his feet. “Ever since he chose stardom and fame. If you get my drift.”

Steve’s eyes widened, his lips parting in surprise. “Oh.” he breathed, disbelief clear in his voice.

Billy nodded, feeling the bittersweet pang of the past. “Yeah, oh.”

“So, uh,” Steve began, clearing his throat. “This guy she was talking about…”

A small smile tucked the corner of Billy’s mouth. “Not Eddie.”

Steve rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. “Right.”

Their eyes met, and the world seemed to narrow to just the two of them. The tension between them was palpable, crackling like electricity in the air.

Steve’s words cut through it. “I actually have something for you.”

Billy’s heart skipped a beat. “You do?”

Steve nodded, hesitating for a moment before taking the small present that was sitting on the railing next to him and holding it out to Billy.

Billy took it and turned it around. “What is it?”

“Open it and you’ll see.”

Billy unwrapped the box and opened the lid to see a miniature model of a Camaro, an exact replica of his prized possession. The details were perfect, right down to the blue color.

“You seem to be inseparable from that car, so I thought…” Steve said, his voice soft and slightly uncertain. “It’s a stupid toy, I know, but…”

Billy stared at the car, a lump forming in his throat. His eyes widened as he studied it, drinking in every intricate detail of the model. The familiar curves of the body, the tiny white text in the wheels, even the tiny license plate—it was all there.

“Steve, this is…” Billy’s voice trailed off, thick with emotion. He swallowed hard, his eyes meeting Steve’s gaze. “It’s incredible. Thank you.”

A warmth bloomed in Billy’s chest, spreading through him like wildfire. Could this mean what he thought it meant? The care and attention Steve had put into this gift—it had to be more than just friendship, right? A glimmer of hope sparked within him, making his heart race.

“I’m glad you like it,” Steve said softly, a shy smile playing at his lips.

Billy cleared his throat, suddenly remembering his own gift. “I, uh…I have something for you too.” He reached into his pocket, fumbling slightly as he pulled out a small object wrapped in tissue paper. He held it out to Steve. “Merry Christmas.”

Steve took the gift and unwrapped it to reveal an intricately carved Zippo lighter. For a moment, he looked confused.

Billy saw the surprised look on Steve’s face. “I know you don’t smoke. It’s, uh…I was thinking that, uh,…if you had a lighter, then…then you could always give me light when I needed it.”

Steve looked up, his dark eyes questioning. Billy felt his resolve wavering under that intense gaze, and he looked down at his feet.

“I’ve been holding onto this for a long time,” Billy said, his words coming out in a rush. “Since high school, actually. I…I’ve, uh, had a crush on you.” His hands were shaking now, and he held the box of the miniature model with his both hands to hide it. “I never thought I had a chance, but after the my gal thing…I don’t know. Something changed.”

He finally dared to look at Steve’s face, bracing himself for rejection. Instead, he saw a mix of emotions flashing across Steve’s features—surprise, confusion, and something else Billy couldn’t quite identify.

+++

Steve was silent for a long moment, processing Billy’s words. His heart was racing, a whirlwind of emotions threatening to overwhelm him. He’d never imagined Billy harboring these feelings for him, especially not this long. The revelation sent a jolt through him.

“I…” he started, his voice thick with emotion. “Since Eddie came back, I thought you two were…” His eyes met Billy’s, filled with a newfound intensity. “You’re right. Something changed back then. But I was scared, you know? Scared of ruining…whatever we had, scared of what you’d say.” He took a step closer, his voice dropping to a near-whisper. “I didn’t want to lose you.”

Billy’s blue gaze met Steve’s dark eyes, and in that moment, the tension that had simmered beneath the surface suddenly crystallized into something tangible, something undeniable.

+++

Billy’s heart thundered in his chest, his tough exterior crumbling in the face of this newfound vulnerability. He saw his own longing reflected in Steve’s eyes, and it took his breath away. “Steve,” he whispered, his voice rough with emotion. “I never thought…I mean, I hoped, but…”

Steve nodded, understanding flooding his features. “I know,” he murmured, a small smile playing at the corners of his mouth. “Me too.”

The world around them seemed to fade away, the falling snow and the chill in the air forgotten. Billy found himself drawn forward, as if pulled by an invisible thread. He moved slowly, giving Steve every opportunity to back away, but he stood his ground, gaze never wavering.

Billy’s hand trembled slightly as he reached up to cup Steve’s cheek. The warmth of his skin against Billy’s palm sent a shiver down his spine. He leaned in, pausing just a breath away from Steve’s lips. “Is this okay?” he asked softly, his heart in his throat.

Steve’s response was to close the distance between them, pressing his lips gently against Billy’s. The kiss was tender, almost hesitant at first, but quickly deepened as the pent-up emotion poured out. Billy’s fingers tangled in Steve’s dark hair, pulling him closer, while Steve’s arms wrapped around Billy’s waist, anchoring them together.

As they kissed, Billy’s mind raced. How many nights had he lain awake, alone in his trailer, imagining this very moment? How many times had he watched Steve from afar, certain that his feelings would never be returned?

Now, with Steve’s body pressed against his own, those doubts seemed ridiculous.

When they finally broke apart, both were panting. Billy rested his forehead against Steve’s, unwilling to let go. The cold winter air swirled around them, highlighting the heat building between their bodies.

Steve’s fingers brushed Billy’s back gently. “What do we do now?” he asked, a hint of uncertainty in his voice.

The distant sound of laughter from inside the house filtered into the backyard, reminding them of the world beyond this moment.

Billy took a deep breath, reality slowly seeping back in. “I guess…we should go back,” he said reluctantly. He didn’t want to go back. He wanted to go somewhere with Steve. Alone with Steve.

“I don’t want to waste any more time,” Steve said with a soft smile. “Let’s get our coats and go somewhere, just the two of us. We have so much catching up to do. Right?”

A wide smile spread across Billy’s face. “You read my mind.” He marveled at the way Steve blushed at his words. “You know,” he said, his voice low, “I always thought I’d leave this place first chance I got.”

Steve nodded, his fingers still drawing circles on Billy’s back. “And now?”

“I’m starting to think that it was the right choice to stay this long.”

“Yeah,” Steve said, his voice barely audible, “me too.”

[iridescentpull]

Gatos e Rosas will be on hold for a week or so since I have a VERY busy week ahead of me and won't have time to write the new chapters.

As an apology, I did a thing on twitter that for every like the tweet received, I would post one fact about a character of the GeR universe (mainly fitpac ofc).

So here's part one of those facts, hope you enjoy :) lmk if you want more!

Ramón was adopted by Fit and Spreen when he was barely 3 years old

Pac lost his leg in an accident (will be explained in the story) when he was 19

Fit went to the army straight when he was fresh outta highschool, thinking he knew everything (he didn't)

Pac's amputation is an above knee one, also known as a transfemoral one

Phil and Missa are in a queerplatonic marriage

Tina works in the fashion industry and has dreams of owning her own boutique and line in the future

Quesadilla City is a small city in a fictional island located in the Northern Hemisphere

Ramón is autistic, and he goes nonverbal whenever he's extremely stressed or overstimulated. He and Fit communicate through sign language when that happens

Pac has diagnosed depression and anxiety and takes meds for it

Cellbit and Roier met when they were called to the school because Richas and Bobby had a fight

Fit figured out he was gay when he was in his teens, but didn't accept it until he was in his late twenties/early thirties

Roier does drag, aka Melissa

Quackity HATES Chayanne, and the feeling is mutual with Chayanne. Their hate-relationship started since Chayanne was a toddler

Missa works in a really famous orchestra, which means he often has to travel around for concerts, leaving his family behind for long periods of time

The first few weeks after Pac was alone in his new apartment for the first time, he fell into a rough depressive episode. He slowly got better after adopting Xereta

Ramón's special interest is the Krebs Cycle. Fit has no idea when, what, or how his son even learned what the krebs cycle is, but he's happy to listen Ramóns infodumps

After Pac and Mike immigrated from Brazil, Mike searched high and low for somewhere they could stay that would be cheap until they could get back on their feet. He met Bagi, who was searching for more roommates at the time. They moved in, and the Favela Five apartment was born

Death Family live in the more country side of the city, around the same area as Mike and Mine

Fit lost his arm up until the shoulder, also known as shoulder disarticulation

Pac and Mike met in the orphanage at Brazil when they were both seven and five, respectively

Fit and Phil met just when Fit was discharged and lived together as roommates until Phil met Missa

Quesadilla City is a VERY diverse city, with immigrants from all over the world having their little communities spread around. The Favela is one of the most popular communities, though!

Cellbit works at Ordo Theorita’s Publishing House, and he dreams of publishing his own thriller book in the future

Pac is transmasc, and had his top surgery in his midtwenties after the Favela Five managed to scrap enough money to pay for it

Ramón's biggest fear is his dad being lonely. His second biggest fear are heights

[a-witches-riddle]

✨✨Pinned Post✨✨

Uhhh looks like I’ve been getting lotsa followers lately so here’s a pinned post about me I guess!!

Hiya! I’m Bree! I’m a trans-pan wolfgirl that hangs out on the internet doin gay stuff! My blog is primarily a random/personal blog, with no real theme other than my love for women and being transfem :3

Here’s a lil’ bit of personal info for y’all to get to know who I am a bit better!

I’m a trans woman! I found out who I was in 2017, and through a slow and gradual process I eventually socially transitioned. I’ve been on hormones for over a year now, too!

I’ve been a lot happier since I’ve been on hormones, and it’s drastically improved my mental state. I finally feel good in my body.

Despite my general affinity and attraction to women, I am pansexual, which means yes, I find just about any one of any gender attractive, I just have a preference towards women.

I have a partner that I love dearly and more than anything in the world. We have a very special and unique bond together that can’t quite be explained or rivaled, and we’re happy together 🖤💜🐺🦇

I consider myself a “Furry Lite”™️. I don’t really have a fursona or anything, but I very much identify with wolves and consider myself a puppygirl, with all the works. Yes, I will bark and whine for headpaps :3

Also I guess I’m a raccoongirl now?? Thank you to @pan-tran-dndfan for convincing me of this, and now we are kit bffs ☺️🦝🫂🦊 (the lack or a raccoon head emoji is criminal but i also like the lil guy there, they’re so me frfr)

I don’t really have that much shame about my kinks. This is an 18+ blog so obviously expect adult content.

I have a few hobbies, including playin vidya games. I play a lotta random things, but one of my favorites is Cyberpunk 2077. I also tend to play a lot of survival horror and just survival games in general. Big Resident Evil nerd and Project Zomboid enjoyer. Also very into Fnaf and Cod zombies lore… don’t ask because I will loredump.

I’m not the biggest into movies or tv, but I’ve seen my fair share of the popular stuff. I’m a big horror movie junkie, Saw being one of my brainrots. I also was absolutely obsessed with Arcane, which swiftly became one of my favorite shows of all time, until season 2 happened. Season 1 is still the GOAT, but I will not argue about it because my god it’s like talking to a brick wall.

I have a few genres of music I’m in love with. I grew up listening to rock/metal and it stuck ever since. Huge A7X fan (minus their nft shilling :/), and Halestorm enjoyer. I also am in love with grunge, Chris Cornell (rip) and Eddie Vedder you have my heart.

I also love making OC’s! I’ve been writing since I was like, 8 years old, and making characters has always been a passion of mine. Lilith and Tara are my main OC’s, and my writing has been fairly private. Not sure if I want to share any of my writing publicly or not, but who knows! Maybe one day I’ll muster up the courage for it.

I’m not really public in general on most platforms; tumblr really is the main place that I’m at all active save discord. Not necessarily an active choice I make but a situation that happened more out of circumstance.

uhhhh i think that’s it! I hope y’all like my blog of random gayness and silliness! My dm’s are always open if you have a question or just wanna chat! Love y’all 💙🏳️‍⚧️