#i honestly feel so tempted to hurt myself

[pixie-skull]

I am so tired of trying and trying. I am not going to do anything, yet if want to talk to me, not going to stop you.

[ilkkawhat]

just reflecting today on the 7th poured drink tonight and recalling how when i was venting to my co-workers about yesterday and the panic attack i had and all that, she mentioned how I needed more help when I was drowning and i swear to you the immediate thing that came to mind when she said that was alan wake

[harrylights]

-

[nadvs]

out of bounds (part seven) (end)

pairing zach maclaren and soccerplayer! female reader

rating mature 18+ for smut

summary zach has never been the type to rebel, but when he meets you at a soccer camp where you’re both working as counselors, which has a strict policy against dating between staff, he’s tempted to break the rules for the first time.

» part one | two | three | four | five | six

» masterlist

When you wake up in your cabin the next morning, it’s the first time since you arrived at camp that you wish you were waking up in your own bed back home.

Because after the way everything came crashing down on you yesterday, you don’t want to face what’s waiting for you.

At best, you have three weeks left of the season, of living with Ami after she broke your trust, of dealing with whatever’s going on with Zach if Malcolm’s words on the field didn’t make their way to the directors.

At worst, you and Zach get fired. And if your season really is cut short and you’re kicked out of here, you’re worried he’d only see you as the rule he broke, the girl who played a role in ruining something so important to him.

You check your phone to see the text exchange you had with Zach a few minutes after you left him outside last night. He had texted I’m sorry. You replied me, too.

You’re not sure how to even have this conversation. He was clearly upset with you last night and you can understand why he would be.

But at the same time, you’re uneasy thinking about the night you first told him that Ami knew about you two. He said he was okay with it, and now you’re not so sure, because last night, he texted that all was good, but it seemed like he was anything but good when you ran into him.

Zach had told you he’s not always upfront about when something’s bothering him. You know it’s simply a piece of who he is – it’s not personal. But you can’t rid yourself of the ache in your heart when you realize that even after you’ve shared so much together, you’re no exception. He keeps things from you, too.

You get ready for the day, deeply wishing your secret relationship had stayed secret.

You’re sitting with your campers in the dining hall when Ami approaches your table a few minutes into breakfast.

“Can we talk real quick?” she says quietly, cupping a hand around the inside of your elbow. You nod, following her outside.

“I am so, so, so sorry,” she says once you’re out of earshot from everyone. “I totally get why Zach’s mad and I get if you’re mad, too. I chewed Malcolm out for it first thing this morning for what it’s worth.”

You wish you knew firsthand how Zach is feeling instead of hearing through Ami. You figure she heard through Malcolm, but it hurts that you haven’t spoken to him yet.

“Why’d you tell him?” you say with a disappointed sigh, crossing your arms.

“It honestly slipped out,” she begins. “You know how I told you I thought things were starting to get serious?”

“Yeah.”

“The night before the game, I asked him if he sees anything in the future with us and…” Ami shakes her head, her frown deepening. “He was all like, this is just a fun thing for the summer. But I just kept trying to convince him and then I blurted out you and Zach are planning to stay together, so why couldn’t we?”

She sighs.

“I’m so mad at myself,” she says. “I started this fling with him agreeing it was casual, but I caught feelings and embarrassed myself and told your secret in the process.”

You take a moment, genuinely empathetic of her heartbreak. If Zach had told you he didn’t want to pursue things with you after the season, you’d be gutted.

“I’m sorry he did that,” you say.

“It’s okay. He wasn’t mean or anything. Just honest.”

You nod, figuring as much. You’re not surprised to hear that Zach’s best friend wasn’t unkind about it. Zach wouldn’t be the type to willingly surround himself with mean people.

“I really am sorry,” Ami says. “When I yelled at him about it, he said he knew not to say it loud enough for Ruby or any of the kids to hear.”

“But other counselors were around,” you say.

“That’s what I said,” she sighs. “And I swear, I told him not to tell anyone, but he was like, if any staff take it seriously, I’ll say I was just kidding around. But he apologized and I could tell he felt really bad. Apparently, he’d never seen Zach that upset.”

You look down at the grass, wishing the weight of regret on your shoulders was enough to erase it from ever even happening.

“Are we still friends?” she asks. “I’m so sorry. I’m not usually this dumb, I swear.”

You exhale slowly. You can tell she’s devastated. And what’s done is done.

“You’re not dumb,” you tell her. “I’m convinced there’s something in the air here that makes it hard to keep secrets.”

Ami gives you a grateful smile, chuckling softly, clearly remembering the stories you told her all about the close calls you had with Zach.

“I can get on board with that theory,” she says.

“Do you think Ruby heard? Or if any other counselors took Malcolm seriously?” you ask.

She takes a moment, then shrugs.

“I don’t know,” she admits. “All I remember is being really mad at him. Did she say anything to you or to Zach?”

“Not to me,” you say. “I don’t know about Zach. We only talked for like a minute last night. It was weird.”

“Weird?”

You nod, relieved you can at least find some sort of release with venting to her about this.

“I think he was upset with me, but didn’t want to say so. And I didn’t want to force him to talk, so I left. We said sorry to each other over text. Things just… feel off.”

“Please don’t tell me my big mouth broke up the cutest couple ever,” she says.

“Ever?” you laugh.

“Ever.”

She gives you a quick, appreciative hug before you both have to run back inside.

You meet Zach’s eyes a few times through breakfast. Even though he’s all the way across the big, loud hall, the air between you feels stiff.

Of all the difficult things you’re feeling, the sharp sense of guilt is the most overwhelming. Even though he was the one who took the first step, asking to kiss you that night by the lake, you wish you’d have resisted the temptation.

Because you know that however much anxiety you’re feeling, he’s feeling it a hundred times worse.

When Zach sets out to the pitch after breakfast, surrounded by boisterous kids, he accepts that the hope that he’d feel better after getting some food in him was misguided.

He’s always hated when his thoughts race like this. There’s no clear right answer, no obvious way to fix this. And while he’d like to listen to his impulse to ignore the discomfort, there’s no way to do that.

He knows he needs to talk to you. He’d do anything to fast forward past the serious conversation and get back to how things were.

There’s a very real chance that your relationship has been exposed. It’d be so embarrassing to have to face his aunt and uncle after breaking the one big rule, when he, of all the staff, is supposed to know better.

He’s not sure they’d really even go through firing anyone and would possibly just settle for a warning, but them finding out would be punishment enough for Zach.

He takes the fact that neither Ruby nor Tom have approached him since the game yesterday as a good sign. Plus, Malcolm assured him that whoever heard his words on the field wouldn’t take it seriously. But there’s never a guarantee.

Zach doesn’t like being mad. But he is. At his best friend. At his girlfriend. At himself. He tries to throw himself into work, pretending like the unsettled feeling hanging over him isn’t there.

By the end of the day, you still haven’t had a chance to speak to Zach. And now that you’re even closer to being found out, you’d rather not take the risk of talking in a public place.

So, you check the schedule to see that the next time one of you has an empty cabin is two days from now, when Malcolm is on an overnight shift.

Before dinner, you text Zach: want to talk on thursday night when malcolm’s gone? i think it’s best we have privacy.

He replies: yes. smart.

And then, because he can’t help himself, because he’s afraid he screwed up, he texts: miss you.

The message is a reprieve from the stress you’ve been feeling all day. You respond: miss you, too.

When Friday rolls around, Zach feels like he hasn’t spoken to you in years, instead of just days. He rushes to his cabin after lights out, tidying up like he did the first night you came over.

He’s sure in he’s in the clear because he hasn’t been spoken to by his aunt or uncle. They don’t know. While that is a relief, knowing he’s on shaky ground with you is enough to keep him on edge.

You knock quickly and quietly. Zach opens the door. He can’t help himself. He has to hold you.

You close the door and face him and he wraps his arms around you so suddenly that you let out a startled gasp.

“Hey,” he says hoarsely, nuzzled into your neck. You hug him back.

“Hi.” You breathe in his familiar scent, fresh like the morning breeze. He pulls back to see your brows pinched together, your eyes searching his face. He hates that you look surprised that he’s giving you affection.

“You okay?” he asks.

“Yeah,” you answer on impulse. You shake your head. “Actually, no. I mean, well, we haven’t been fired. That’s good.”

“Yeah. If they knew, they would’ve have said something by now.”

“Right,” you say. You take a deep breath. “But things feel different. With us.”

Zach hates to agree, his lips falling into a small frown. He doesn’t want to do this. He just wants to hold you and kiss you and joke around with you.

“It’s because we had another close call,” he says. “It’s okay. Things are different because we haven’t snuck out to make out in a shed in a while.”

His joke falls flat as you look down at the floor. His hands are still on your waist and when you comfortingly drag yours down to rest on his chest, it slows his thoughts down a little.

“I want you to tell me when you’re not okay,” you mumble when you gaze back up at him.

Zach’s stomach numbs with anxiety. He can feel it rising, the reflex to pretend everything’s fine when it’s not.

“I did,” he says. “I do. Remember the night on the dock?”

You nod. The way he had opened up to you about how he’d struggled with being bullied for being a quiet kid was different. That wasn’t about you.

“I mean I want you to tell me when I’m the reason you’re not okay,” you reply. “I heard from Ami that Malcolm said he’d never seen you so upset.”

“Because I was mad at him,” Zach half-chuckles. “And he’s over-exaggerating.”

It’s not entirely true. The conversation had been the most tense one they’d ever had.

Malcolm was lighthearted about it at first, saying it was a joke and that he was offended that Zach hadn’t told him about how he was breaking rules with you. But once Zach had tersley told him he could have messed everything up for him, Malcolm’s smile disappeared and he apologized profusely.

Zach couldn’t blame him. He’s hardly ever the type be serious. But so much is on the line here.

Confrontation is easier when it’s his best friend of years, but it still isn’t exactly comfortable. So confronting you, a girl he’s helplessly falling in love with, opens the door to an argument and to you deciding he’s too sensitive and not worth the hassle.

“I don’t want to push you,” you tell him, “but I remember you telling me that you get over things on your own and you don’t have to that with me. It’s okay if you’re mad that I told Ami.”

“Baby,” he whispers with a smirk. “What else could you have done? She saw these, right?”

His fingers are featherlight over your collarbone, gently rubbing over the fabric of your shirt. He wonders if the hickeys are still visible.

“I could’ve hidden them better,” you say, “or come up with a lie.”

“I’m not mad at you,” Zach breathes.

A quiet, tense moment passes between you. You’re not convinced.

“Do you promise?” you ask, eyes doleful.

His smirk fades. At this point, he’d be lying straight to your face if he said yes. Seeing you so sad is gut-wrenching. Being dishonest with you while you’re like this would just be wrong.

“It’s… complicated,” he rasps.

You bite your lip. You’re not upset that he’s mad. You’re upset that you had to pry it out of him. Your hands fall off his chest and you step back, swallowing the tears threatening to fall.

“Can we sit?” he asks softly.

You give in, settling on the edge of his bed. He sits next to you. Watching you like this is making every part of him ache, his mouth going dry.

“When you told me you don’t admit when you’re upset,” you say, “I wondered what’d happen when I did something wrong.”

Zach swallows hard. It sounds like you’ve been on edge since that night you went shopping together, holding onto his words.

“So, what, you’ve been on eggshells since then?” he asks, his tone low and sympathetic.

“No. I just mean that problems are bound to come up and I want us to feel comfortable telling the other when they do.”

You expel a deep sigh, crossing your arms. It’s hard to explain, the sense of instability this has been giving you. You want to be able to take him at his word when he says everything’s okay. Not have to wonder and nag him.

It concerns you if this will be the dynamic in your relationship. Maybe it’s too soon, but you can’t shake away the worry.

Zach nervously threads his hand through his hair. He doesn’t know what to say.

“I shouldn’t have told you,” he mumbles regretfully.

You meet his eyes, lips parted in surprise.

“What?” you say. “You should have told me. I don’t want you to suffer alone.”

“Suffer is a stretch,” he says with a small smile.

Again, you don’t laugh. The tension keeps thickening instead of easing, his heart hurting more instead of feeling lighter.

“Hey,” Zach says, placing a warm hand on your forearm, “listen, I just want us to be good again. We would have lost our jobs by now if they knew. They don’t. We’re fine. You’re still my girlfriend, right?”

“Of course.” You uncross your arms to hold his hand, saddened that he’s wary of the possibility of you giving up on him.

“So, let’s just move past this and enjoy what’s left of the summer.”

“And what happens next time I upset you?” you ask.

“I’ll tell you,” he says. You gaze at him, not sure if you can trust him.

“You will?” you ask.

It’s the first time he’d ever been on the receiving end of a critical look from you. His heart feels like it cracks down the middle.

This was the spark that catalyzed every break-up he’s gone through.

You’re kind of a pushover, Zach.

Why are you so scared of telling the truth?

You’re a nice guy, but you suck at communication.

It reminds him of when he was a kid, ridiculed for not using his voice, or really, not using it the way people wanted him to.

And it’s too much. Things with you were good and easy until you insisted on pulling his uncomfortable feelings out into the open.

Zach sighs your name, a subtle edge in his tone. He keeps his gaze on the floor, lips firming, grip on your hand loosening.

Despite your intentions to understand him, to have an honest conversation, you realize that you’re doing what you tried to avoid. You’re pushing him.

“Okay. Sorry,” you whisper, moving your hand away.

“This is why I don’t say anything,” he admits. “Because now you’re beating yourself up. I’ll be fine. I am fine.”

“Zach, if I hurt you, you deserve an apology,” you tell him. “And you can’t get one if I don’t know what’s going on in your head.”

He runs his fingers through his hair again, wishing he could just go back to how things were a few days ago when you were kissing and touching and laughing together.

He doesn’t reply. He doesn’t know what to say.

You lick your lips before speaking again. Despite everything, you just want to make him feel better and to figure out what’s next.

“Ami didn’t mean to tell him,” you say. “But since other people heard him during the game, I think we should just get through the rest of this season without taking any risks. Does that work for you?”

The sinking feeling of rejection settles deep in him. Avoiding risk means that you want distance again. And this time will be different. He can feel it. Things between you are so obviously tense. You want space from him and not just because it could get you in trouble.

He swallows down the painful lump in his throat, pushing away the hurt.

“Yeah,” he says with a shrug. “If you can resist me.”

Zach meets your eyes with a smile that you know isn’t genuine. You’ve figured out by now that making jokes is his defense mechanism. This time, you let him do what he needs to feel better.

This conversation only broke things down further than fixing them, but even though you’re exasperated, you don’t have it in you to leave him the way you did a few nights ago.

Zach’s muscles lose all their tension when you lean forward, your lips brushing against his. It’s the best reassurance you can give him.

When he kisses back, cradling your face in his hands, your heart hurts a little less. You pull away, staring into his soft blue eyes, surprised how you can mad at someone but also so eager to make them happy.

It’s because it’s Zach. The man who looks out for you, who puts your clothes back on for you after intimacy, who stresses over the very thought of even accidentally hurting you.

After you pull away, he gives you the first genuine smile since you got here. You squeeze his hand before you stand up to leave. He pulls you back for one last kiss.

The following Saturday is the most excited you’ve seen the kids. In the early morning, counselors and campers are set to depart the campground in school buses to a museum that’s currently running a sports science exhibit.

You’ve overheard the vets talk about how field trips are the most exhausting days of the season, but you welcome it. You want the distraction.

After guiding your campers onto your assigned bus, you settle in the first seat behind the driver. Your heart does a flip, somehow both happy and sad, when you realize that the counselor you’re sharing the bus with is Zach, the man you need a distraction from.

His brows raise when he comes up the steps, a smile appearing on his face before he guides kids to fill up the seats. Even though you left things sort of tense, it’s nice that he’s clearly happy to see you.

When he settles on the seat across the aisle from where you’re sitting, he crosses his arms and leans back against the window, biceps bulging under his t-shirt.

“How was the shift?” Zach asks. “The night before a field trip is always a wild card.”

It takes you a moment to realize he looked at the schedule to see you had an overnight shift. Of course he’s checking on you even when you’re not on the best terms.

“Not great,” you admit. One of the girls in your cabin had woken you up after she had a nightmare. You spent a long time calming her down and then had trouble falling back asleep yourself. “I’m thinking I should learn how to do monster checks.”

Zach grins. His heart warms whenever you reference something he’d told you. He loves that you remember his silly little routine with his sister.

“Do I have to teach you everything?” he says with a sigh.

You laugh and fight the impulse to shift over and sit next to him. Despite the fragile state you left things in, you miss touching him.

Throughout the bus ride, you’re both in lively conversation with the campers. You notice that Oliver clings to Zach, talking with other kids but always close to his counselor. He clearly has found comfort in him and of course, Zach shows him nothing but endless patience and kindness.

You can’t forget how he told you Oliver reminds him of himself when he was a kid. It hurts to picture Zach as a kid, shy and reserved, needing to stay close to an authority figure so he doesn’t get made fun of.

He admitted to you how he spent so much of his childhood sad. Somebody so sweet should never have to be sad.

You glance over at him to catch him staring at you.

“Making it obvious?” he says, echoing what you’d texted him when you teased him for the way he looked at you by the campfire many nights ago.

You wish you could go back to when you were still careless, sneaking around, no conflict wedged between you. But you only nod with a chuckle, looking away.

Minutes before you arrive at the museum, Zach stands and gets everyone’s attention. You gaze up at him as he goes through the rules and reminds everyone that they’re representing the camp today.

It gives you a moment to really take him in, your eyes travelling over his hard jaw and tousled hair. He’s easily the kindest, most charming man you’ve ever met.

He makes a joke about how this is his campers’ chance to prove that they’re better listeners than yours. You gasp and stand, encouraging your girls to prove Zach wrong.

Once you plop back down on your seat, you grab one of the granola bars you packed for the kids just to throw it at Zach. He feigns shock when it hits his chest with a light smack.

“That’s not representing our camp well at all,” he scoffs. He looks at the wrapper and smiles before he rips it. “Mixed berry. Nice.”

“Give it back,” you say.

He takes a bite, looking at you with a smirk.

“What? I didn’t hear that,” he says.

You can’t stifle your laugh when you look away. Zach keeps his eyes on you, imagining a world where he doesn’t have to be your boyfriend in secret. But he feels lucky to be your boyfriend at all.

When you arrive at the museum, you direct your campers in a hectic rush. You’re standing by the bathrooms, trying to keep your campers together, when Malcolm passes by.

“Having fun?” he jokes to you over the noise.

You chuckle awkwardly, considering it’s the first time you’ve spoken with him since the staff game. Ami had told you things with her and Malcolm ended amicably, but she’s been keeping her distance, and since you’re usually with her, you haven’t had any chance to talk to him.

“Loads,” you play along, looking out at the sea of kids through the lobby. After a few seconds, he looks around and kneels closer.

“Hey, my bad about everything,” he says. “I didn’t mean to start any drama.”

“It’s okay,” you say quietly, sure he can read the regret on your face.

“I was kidding around,” Malcolm explains. “Nobody would believe he’d actually break the rules. You’re obviously special since he did.”

You know he said it to make you feel better, but it has the opposite effect. Without you here, Zach would’ve had another easy, stress-free season, instead of one full of sneaking around and risking his job and reputation.

“I guess so,” is all you can say with a forced laugh.

When it’s finally time to head back to the buses, you’re exhausted. You make sure all your campers are accounted for and you settle in the front seat, wishing it was more comfortable.

You sit with closed eyes, trying to rest while you can, chatter surrounding you.

Zach sits in the front, smirking to himself when he sees you. Your eyelids flutter open and you look around, adorably disoriented. You meet his gaze.

“I’m just resting my eyes,” you say with a sweet chuckle.

“Take a nap if you want,” he says. “I got this covered.”

You smile gratefully and close your eyes again. His eyes travel over your pretty face, taking you in, missing everything about you. He’s never wanted time to go by quickly this badly.

A few days later, the directors announce that there’ll be a comet passing over the campground next Saturday night, falling right in time with the season’s last fun day.

Tom asks Zach to run an errand into town to buy all the binoculars he can find. And because he’s respecting your wish to stay at a distance, Zach invites Malcolm to go with him instead of you.

It doesn’t take you and another first-year counselor, Theo, long to set up blankets on the grass behind the staff cabins on Saturday night.

You had rushed through your dinner and volunteered to do it. At the end of the day, it’d be nice to get a good reference from your bosses. Theo overheard and offered to help, making conversation as you set up.

When the campers and counselors come out, they settle across the field. Ami stands next to you as your eyes quickly find Zach, who’s handing out binoculars.

“Remember to share,” he says to a few kids close to you. He looks down at you as he passes by. “Hey.”

“Hey,” you say. It’s the first thing you’ve said to each other in a week.

“Get a room already,” Ami mumbles quietly after he leaves.

You snort a laugh. You wish.

Tom stands in front of everyone and shares facts about the comet, pointing to where it’ll be seen in the sky and telling everyone that it’ll be visible by binoculars for a few minutes, so there’s no need to fight over them.

You know the kids well enough to know they’ll still find a way to argue.

Once it’s time to search the skies, you gaze up at the stars on the off chance that you’ll see it without binoculars.

“Any luck?” Theo asks, staring up next to you, his binoculars over his eyes. You hear impressed ohh’s scatter over the crowd. “Whoa,” he says a second later.

“No,” you laugh.

He lowers his binoculars and hands them to you. You thank him and try to find the comet, but you can’t see anything but stars through the lenses.

“I can’t see it,” you tell him sadly.

“Here - can I?” Theo says, his hands hovering over your shoulders.

“Sure.” You let him guide you to adjust your angle, his palms firm on your shoulders.

“I think you need to look just a little higher,” he says. You follow his instructions and then you see it. A bright circle with a pale streak of light following it. It’s beautiful.

“Wow,” you say with a big smile.

Everyone’s gazing up at the sky except for Zach. He’s looking at you smiling while Theo has his hands on your shoulders. Another man is touching his girlfriend and she looks happy while he does it.

He shakes his head to himself as frustrating jealousy squeezes his heart. Staying away from you has been tough, but watching someone else touch you is on another level of agony.

After the comet passes, everyone packs up for the night. The kids are still chatting about how cool the comet was as they make their way to the camper cabins.

Ami leaves your cabin for her overnight shift while you shower. You gaze up at the ceiling as you wash your hair, wondering how you already have only seven sleeps left before the end of the season.

On Saturday, parents are arriving to pick up their children and staff will pack up their things and the season will be over. It’s been a long summer, but you’re happy you came – you made money, rekindled your love for soccer, and best of all, met Zach.

You still haven’t spoken with him about what dating will look like when you’re done here, considering your colleges are an hour apart. But at least you don’t have to worry about getting fired anymore. You’re sure it would have left a mark on your relationship.

You settle on your bed in your pajamas, scrolling on your phone for some downtime. Minutes later, there’s a knock on your door.

It’s Zach. And there’s a fire in his eyes that you haven’t seen before.

“Hi,” you say softly.

“It doesn’t work for me anymore,” he says gruffly.

“What?”

“Not being with you doesn’t work for me anymore.”

You stare at him with parted lips, heat rushing through your body in seconds.

“What do you mean?” you ask.

“Watching another guy get close to you is too much, okay?” he says. “You’re my girlfriend.”

Your brows furrow in confusion, recollecting all that happened since the last time you spoke. He seemed fine when he greeted you earlier tonight. Who got close to you since then?

It comes to you in an instant. Theo helped guide you to spot the comet.

“That wasn’t anything,” you tell him.

“It was to me,” he says, the jealousy still ripping through him. “I don’t care who knows about us. I want him to know.”

It’s like he’s another man, not the Zach you know. His lustful stare and his dominating presence and his possessiveness are making your heart pound. Instead of the tension that’s been following you for the past two weeks, the air between you is electric, full of burning anticipation that you’ve both been trying to avoid.

You don’t care about how things were left. And you know you shouldn’t do this. But you’ve never been good at ignoring your impulses when it comes to him.

“Come in,” you say.

Zach doesn’t need to hear another word. Once the door’s shut behind him, his lips meet yours. You tremble under his hot, hard kiss.

His hands are firm against your jaw, gripping you as if you’ll slip away. Your breaths start to quicken as you kiss deeper, his hands pushing you back towards your bed.

Feeling you again, tasting you is an overwhelming relief. It’s like he’s home again. His body is buzzing, his boxers starting to feel tight already.

You let him guide you on your bed, his commanding frame leaning over as you settle on your back. His mouth trails to your throat, kissing you as you cup the back of his neck.

“I’m yours, okay, baby?” you whisper.

Your words make him moan against your skin, his hips bucking against you. He’s been dreaming about this for too long. Once he’s had you, having to keep you at a distance and act like you’re nothing but coworkers is torture.

Desire takes over you, your hand trailing to feel him over his sweatpants. Simply pressing your palm against his hard bulge makes you involuntarily writhe beneath him.

You’ve never had your mouth on him the way he had his mouth on you and now, you desperately want to please him, to show him how he’s the only one you want.

“I miss you so much,” Zach whines. “I can’t do this anymore.”

“I know. Me, too,” you reassure him. “Lie on your back for me.”

You obeys, letting you perch over him as you kiss him, but he can’t let go of control, not all the way. He pulls your shirt up, a groan of pleasure leaving his mouth when he sees that you’re braless.

You tug your shirt over your head and he roughly pulls you closer by the waist, giving him access to your bare chest, kneading and kissing.

You arch your back, moaning in pleasure as he sucks at your skin. You’re already aching for him, knees growing weak, biting your lip as he tongues you.

It takes all your willpower to pull back, but you shift lower to tug at his sweatpants. He shuffles to let you pull down his pants and boxers in one movement, his cock springing out.

He heatedly takes his shirt off, giving you the view of his naked body that you’ve missed so much.

Zach’s breath hitches when you lean to hold him at his base. Your lips are torturously close to the head of his cock.

“You don’t have to,” he says, his voice thick and hushed. You smile at him. There’s the man you know and love, checking in on you, making sure you’re comfortable.

“I want to,” you say. When you shift to kiss him on his tip, he shudders. This is all he needs, to know you want every part of him, like he wants every part of you.

You swirl your hot tongue over him and he throws his head back in pleasure, eyes squeezing shut. But he wants to watch. He wants to see how you look pleasing him like this.

He meets your eyes as you lock your lips around his length. His head is swimming watching you slowly take him in, pacing yourself, getting his cock wet with your spit.

You pull back with a smack of your lips, stroking him, eyes hard on him.

“Why would I even look at another guy when I have you?” you ask. Zach’s sure he’s never felt this good in his entire life.

You take him in your mouth again, sucking as you start to gently bob up and down. You breathe slowly as you lower to reach his base, quietly gagging when you take him all the way.

Your hot mouth tight around him makes pure euphoria flood his system.

“That’s so good,” he says, strained. “Fuck, baby, that’s so good.”

He lowers his hand to gently lace his fingers through the roots of your hair, applying no pressure, simply just wanting to hold you.

You pull back, your wrist slowly twisting as you pump. The sight of you like this, your lips glossy and your eyes lustful and your fingers wrapped around him, is unlike anything he’s ever experienced.

“You deserve to feel good,” you whisper.

He’s not sure he agrees based on the way he acted the last time you talked in his cabin, but you silence his thoughts when you take him in your mouth again, cheeks hollowing.

Zach’s groans are strained and his breaths are shallow as you suck and lick. The sounds of your mouth against him are near perfection. He knows what’s really perfect is the feeling of being buried deep inside you, both of you wrapped in bliss.

He’s still feeling the flame of jealousy and so badly needs to show you how much you’re his and how much he’s yours. He finds the strength to gently pull your mouth off of him by your roots.

You meet his stare, letting him take full control as he guides you onto your back. The sight of him standing over you, tongue running over his bottom lip as he pulls down your pajama bottoms and panties makes arousal pool in your gut.

Zach leans over, chest heaving and cheeks flushed as one arm holds him up and the other dips between your legs, fingers firmly dragging up and down.

“Tell me only I get to see you like this,” he rasps.

“Only you,” you praise. His touch grants you such elation that you start to feel dizzy. “And only you get to touch me.”

His jaw clenches at your words. He traces circles on your clit, gazing down at you as your breath catches.

“You like how I touch you?” he says.

“Yes,” you moan. “You’re so good at it. You’re so good at everything.”

Zach lowers to kiss you, tongue pressing into your mouth the same moment his finger dips into you. You writhe under his touch, the pressure of his finger inside of you making you moan again.

“More?” he whispers, the pad of his middle finger nudging against your entrance.

“More.”

He slowly sinks a second finger into you, groaning at how tight and wet you are around him. He starts to slowly pump in and out, curling his fingers at the hilt, pulling back just enough to watch your expression.

His movements are slow and firm, and when he starts to rub your clit with his thumb, you clutch his shoulders in deep pleasure.

“Like that,” you whisper. “My good boy.”

The praise makes him feel like he might go insane in the best way. He can’t take the ache anymore. He pulls his fingers out, shifting to grab a condom from your drawer.

You watch him through heavy lids, taking in how perfect every inch of him is, spreading your legs so he can get inside you as soon as possible. Zach lines up against you as he lies over you, his throbbing tip gently pressing against you.

“Ready?” he whispers.

You don’t answer, hungrily gripping the backs of his hips to pull him forward. He groans, in heaven from how much you want him.

He sinks into you completely and it’s a flawless type of pain having to adjust to him so quickly. He pulls back and thrusts back into you hard, lips against yours, mouths open.

You wrap your arms around his shoulders, both of you already sweaty, and you pant together as his slams fill you over and over, jolting you, your bed shaking.

“You’re my good girl,” he whispers through sighs. “Mine only.”

Your moans tangle with his, your soft heat squeezes him, and when you wrap your legs around his hips, he wants to live in the moment forever.

Zach knows he loves you. And he knows he has to wait to say it because he’d hate for you to feel pressured to say it back. If he’s lucky, when it’s time, you’ll say it back.

He grinds against your clit with steady friction and he fills you with hard pressure, pushing you closer and closer to your orgasm.

“I’m gonna…” you breathe, clenching around him. You can’t finish your sentence, losing your voice as you come, sparks firing through your body.

Feeling you flutter around him is what sends him over the edge, kissing you as he unravels, hips stuttering with sloppy thrusts as his body releases all the tension and hunger and love he has for you.

He collapses on top of you, still hard and inside you, leaving soft kisses on the corner of your lips.

When he finds the strength to stand and clean himself up, he comes back to bed with a warm, damp towel, kissing your bent knee as he gently wipes you, letting you stay on your back and come down from your high.

Zach eventually lies down next to you, cradling your jaw, thumb rubbing over your cheekbone as you gaze at each other.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’m sorry things were weird with us. I’m sorry I’m so bad at talking about things sometimes.”

You meet his eyes, gently raking his messy hair back, remembering how it’s the first thing you noticed about him.

“It’s okay,” you say softly. “I’m sorry I pushed. I get if it’s hard for you. I just want us to be honest with each other.”

“I was mad,” he admits. “And I already hate being mad, but being mad at you just felt so wrong. I know you didn’t mean for it to come out.”

“Why do you hate being mad, baby?”

“Because I just… I feel weak.”

“Weak?”

“Like I should be able to change the way I’m thinking about it,” he says. “I should be more understanding.”

You let out a soft giggle, kissing the tip of his nose.

“You’re the most understanding person I know,” you tell him. “You can’t control how you feel.”

“I think I feel too much,” Zach confesses. His heart is pounding again. He’s never been so raw with somebody. But the deep adoration in your eyes makes the vulnerability less scary.

“You feel the perfect amount,” you tell him. “Your heart is big and that’s not a flaw.”

He leans closer, kissing you tenderly.

“Please tell me next time,” you whisper. “What’d you say when I didn’t tell you I was sick? I have to let you know when I don’t feel well? It goes both ways.”

He chuckles and kisses you again.

“I will,” he says. “All I’ve been thinking about is you and how I screwed up and how I don’t want to screw up again.”

“All I’ve been thinking about is you and how I can’t wait to be your girlfriend without having to hide it.”

A bigger smile grows on his lips, his eyes softening at your words. You’re a pure ray of sunshine in his life. For once, he’s confident a girl will stick around when she sees just how messy his head can get.

“How often are we going to be seeing each other when we’re out of here, huh?” you ask. “We have a whole hour between us.”

“The distance from your cabin to mine is already hard enough,” he says. You laugh hard and he realizes just how much he missed the sound. “Every weekend, at least.”

“Deal,” you say. At that moment, your stomach lets out a hungry growl and you sigh a chuckle. “I rushed through dinner and I don’t think I ate enough.”

He sits up, collecting your clothes off the bed. You laugh when you watch him tugging your panties over your ankles.

“What are you doing?”

“We’re sneaking into the kitchen,” he says. “You’re not gonna be hungry on my watch.”

The night air is cool as you make your way towards the dining hall. Sure enough, Zach finds a few snacks in the kitchen cabinets to satiate you, sitting on the counter next to you, chatting about what your class schedules will look like when the school year starts.

You get lost in conversation, and an hour later, you’re both almost dozing off. You decide to finally head to bed, rushing out of the hall and towards the staff cabins, hand in hand.

Your shoes crunch against the gravel path past the campground office so loudly that you almost don’t hear your name called.

You rip your hand out of Zach’s and turn to see one of your campers, Jemma, standing close by.

“Hey,” you say, almost frozen in anxiety. She definitely saw you and Zach holding hands. “Why are you out of your cabin?”

“I woke up,” she says with a shrug. “And I couldn’t fall back asleep so I wondered if I could see any more comets. Were you guys just holding hands?”

You don’t know what to say. You clear your throat and shuffle closer to her.

“I’ll walk you back, okay?” you say. “You’re not supposed to be out at night without a counselor.”

You drop Jemma off, the whole walk over filled with you avoiding her questions and asking her about anything you can think of. Zach is in your cabin get back, his eyes wide.

He said he didn’t care who knew earlier tonight, but you know he was overtaken by his emotions. You can tell by his expression that he’s tense. This is bad.

“She saw us,” he says, almost robotically.

“She saw us,” you confirm. You sit next to him on your bed. You figure you should lay it out on the open. “And she loves to talk. And it’s not appropriate to ask her to keep a secret. She’ll tell her friends.”

“I have to tell my aunt and uncle,” he says, “before they hear from one of the kids.”

You meet his eyes. The happiness you were feeling is deflated now, overtaken by dread. You have to accept that your worst fear just came true.

“We have to tell them,” you say. Tears prick at your eyes. “I’ll go with you. I’m so sorry. This screws everything up for you.”

“No,” he says. “I said you were worth the risk and I meant it. I knew going into it that this could happen. It happened. We’ll deal with it.”

“You’re really okay?” you ask.

“I’m weirdly relieved,” Zach admits, looking at you with empathy. “Are you okay? You could get fired.”

“Your job became more important to me than mine a long time ago,” you tell him. “You have more on the line. That’s why I feel so bad.”

“I’m the happiest I’ve ever been with you. I’d do it all again even if I knew it’d end like this.”

“You’re not going to see me as the girl that ruined this place for you?”

“Baby,” he says with a disbelieving exhale. “Of course not. You’re the best part of this place.”

“Really?”

“One hundred and five percent,” he says with a smile, reminding you of how he’d answered the same way when you asked if he’s sure he wants to start secretly dating.

His sweetness is what makes your tears finally fall. He kisses you softly, shushing you and rubbing your back as you dig your head into his chest. You stay like that until you feel too tired to sit up any longer.

The next day, you and Zach meet at the campground office before breakfast as planned. He’s the most nervous you’ve ever seen him as he turns the handle and enters the room, greeting Ruby as she types at her laptop on a circular table.

“Can we sit for a second?” Zach asks.

“Of course,” she says. “What brings you in?”

You settle next to him at the other end of the table, realizing your knees are bouncing in anxiety. He told you he’d take the lead. You glance at his profile, glad he’s still as calm as he seemed last night.

“We, uh…” He looks at you. “We kind of broke the no dating rule. And last night, Jemma saw us holding hands. I wanted to come to you before you heard from anyone else. I’m sorry.”

“Me, too,” you say, meeting her eyes nervously. “I’m really sorry. And I completely understand if you need to let me go. But please give Zach a little grace.”

“What?” he mumbles. You hadn’t talked about doing this.

“He loves it here,” you tell your boss, the words spilling out of you. “I’m sure you know that already. I’ve never seen someone so passionate about a place. He respects and admires you and Tom so much. The way he talks about this camp and the way he enjoys the job is part of why I’ve grown to love it so much. He’ll be crushed if this ruins his reputation and if he can’t come back to work here. I know I’m in no position to ask for anything, but please spare him.”

“Hey,” Zach says to you softly. He’s so moved that if he didn’t already know he loved you, this would be the moment that sealed it. “It’s okay. I deserve to lose my job.”

“Zach,” Ruby says. You both look at her. “Sweetheart. You really think I didn’t know?”

“What?” you and Zach say in perfect unison.

“I’ve known you all your life,” she says. “I can spot when something’s up with you from a mile away.”

“Wait… what?” he says again. “How? Since when?”

“You’re not one to get mad at the kids for little things. But then we had that barbecue and you,” she says, eyes landing on you, “got hurt because some campers were rough-housing.”

You feel for the now healed burn on your forearm.

“Tom told me all about it, how uncharacteristically angry and worried you got,” Ruby tells Zach, “and then it took less than a day to confirm my suspicions. You really don’t know how obvious you are. You smile like you just won the lottery whenever she’s around.”

You feel your face go hot, butterflies swarming in your stomach. It’s the second time someone’s said Zach seems extra happy around you.

“So, you knew?” he says. “And you didn’t say anything?”

“I didn’t want you to feel embarrassed,” she says with a shrug. “I figured you’d do a good enough job hiding it from everyone. And I’d never fire you. You’re a… what’s Malcolm call it? A nepo baby?”

“Hey,” he says with a relieved laugh.

“Kidding,” she says, eyes darting to you. “I treat all my staff equally. And we’ve never actually fired anyone for dating. We just strongly discourage it because of things like last night. It’s inappropriate if campers see any sort of PDA.”

“We were just holding hands for a second, I swear,” Zach says.

“I know,” she sighs. “But no more cutesy stuff, got it?”

“Got it,” he says. “So we’re not fired?”

“Just go to breakfast and let me enjoy my coffee,” she says with a small smile.

“Thank you,” you say quietly.

As you and Zach head out, Ruby calls him back for a moment. You wait outside for him to make sure everything’s okay.

Zach closes the door behind him, expecting a verbal lashing.

“I like her for you,” Ruby says. He beams, unbelievably relieved.

“You’re really not disappointed?” he asks. He should have known his kind-hearted aunt would be so compassionate.

“Honey, I’m happy,” Ruby says. “Even you need to break rules sometimes. You must really like her if you decided to stop being a goody two-shoes for once.”

“I do,” he says confidently. “And I am not a goody two-shoes.”

“Debatable,” she teases.

When he steps out of the office, you share a sigh of relief, laughing.

“What’d she say?” you ask.

“Changed her mind. I am, in fact, fired.”

You scoff, nudging his shoulder.

“Hey, no touching allowed,” Zach laughs. “Save it for after lights out.”

“Shh,” you laugh, looking around in case anyone heard. “Have you learned nothing?”

He smirks at you.

“Thanks for saying that stuff about me back there,” he says.

“It’s all true,” you reply.

The last week of camp is the fastest of them all. Gossip spreads about you and Zach, but you just deny it whenever kids bring it up, both saying you’re just friends.

Packing up your cabin and saying goodbye at the end of the season is one of the hardest things you’ve done all summer.

Two Months Later

The triple whistle blow signals the end of the game. You’re absolutely spent, hands on your knees, so tired that you can’t even celebrate that you’d just beat an unbeatable team.

Last year, they beat you every single time, but now, you look up at the scoreboard to see your score at 3, and the visitors’ score at 2. Soon enough, your teammates pull you into a hug, the air buzzing with pride and excitement.

The hot shower you take in the locker room after the game is unbelievably rewarding.

You beam when you see Zach standing by the stadium front doors. His face lights up the moment he sees you.

“You were amazing,” he says, pulling you in for a hug and taking your heavy duffle bag for you as the crowds exiting the building surround you. “Did you hear the crowd when you nailed that one tackle in the second half? I was so proud that I told the guy beside me that you’re my girlfriend.”

You laugh, perching up on your toes to quickly kiss him.

“And what’d he say?” you ask.

“He just looked at me like this,” he says, pulling an annoyed expression. You laugh again. “Baby, you killed it. Best defense I’ve ever seen.”

“Now you’re pushing it,” you chuckle.

“I’m serious,” he says. “You’re amazing. Who’d you train with? Obviously a pro.”

“Alright,” you roll your eyes, smiling.

“I mean it. And five.”

You lace your fingers in his, grinning. The more you opened up to each other, learning about how hard it can be for Zach to express his difficult emotions, ‘and five’ became your way to assure each other you mean what you’re saying, a silly reference to how he loves to say ‘one hundred and five percent.’

‘And five’ is your way of saying you promise. That you’re sure. That there’s no reason to doubt anything.

“Wow, and five?” you say. “So, you’re not just trying to flatter me before dinner.”

Zach grins, pulling you in for a hug. You’re set to go to his house to meet his family after you get ready in your dorm.

“You’re sure you’re not too tired?” he asks.

“I don’t care how tired I am,” you say. “I can’t wait to meet them. And seeing Tom and Ruby again will be nice.”

The MacLarens’ house is warm and welcoming, just as you expected. You feel like you already know his parents and sister within minutes and when Zach’s aunt and uncle arrive, it’s comforting to see them, knowing they already like you.

Throughout dinner, Tom and Ruby tease Zach for how obviously lovestruck he was at work all summer. Even his sister joins in, calling him cheesy.

“I hope you know we’re all just joking, sweetie,” Zach’s mother says to you quietly, clearly a bit worried you’ll think they’re being too harsh on your boyfriend.

“I do,” you say kindly. In the time you’ve been together, you’ve joked with Zach that teasing seems to be his love language. It’s sweet seeing him at home, joking with his family, looking up at you every so often to make sure you’re having a good time.

After you say your goodbyes, Zach drives you to your dorm. He pulls up to your building, the back of your hand warm from where he’s been resting his palm.

Every time you’re in his car, you think about the first time you were in it back in the summer, going into town, getting to know him. You’ve been in it so many times since then, driving around and playing your favorite songs.

“Well, thank you again,” you say, relieved to have heard he knows his family loved you, just as he suspected. “I had fun.”

“You fit right in,” Zach says. He hopes it’s not too much, but the longer he’s been with you, the less scared he is of being too much.

You smile at him, proving him right. He doesn’t have to hold back.

“I was thinking something,” he says, “when I was looking at you at dinner.”

“What?”

“That I always knew that things between us didn’t go so fast because of the whole forbidden thing,” he tells you. “They’d go that fast anyway. For me, at least.”

You smile, relieved to hear it. You spent so much of the camp season wondering if the rule you were both living under was the reason things escalated the way they did.

You’ve talked about the summer, reminiscing on your memories, laughing over your favorite moments, finding it hilarious how stressed you both were about the bosses finding out about you when they already knew, but you never dove into how fast your relationship went.

“You have no idea how nice it is to hear that,” you say. “I agree. I would’ve been just as crazy about you if we met outside of work.”

“Me, too,” he says, his dimples caving into his cheeks as he gazes at you. He takes a deep breath, bringing your hand up to his mouth, kissing your palm. “I love you. And you don’t have to say it back, but I just want you to know.”

“I love you, too,” you say, feeling weightless. “Obviously.”

“Yeah?” Zach doesn’t know when his heart started pounding this hard, but it’s thudding in his ears.

“Yeah,” you say. “And five.”

He leans close and kisses you over and over, just like he did the first night on the dock.

But this time, instead of saying that you should stop and that this isn’t allowed and that you could get in trouble every time your lips part, you’re whispering that you love each other.

(the end)

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[gay-dorito-dust]

ok what if reader is also a vigilante?

reader and Jason met in their civilian identities, and after a while they start dating. but like, neither of them tells the other one about their vigilante identities? and then something random happens and they both find out in a funny way?

(alsooo can I be 🐈‍⬛? :3)

Idk if this is considered ‘funny’ but I tired, oh and Yes, you may be 🐈‍⬛ anon. 🦦

When you first met Jason in the cosy book store, you were far too concerned with keeping your stint as a vigilante as close to a secret as possible, so much so that the mere aspect of dating wasn’t something you contemplated on a day to day basis; Never less dating a civilian when you’re fighting street level thugs. However you couldn’t help but get lost in the beauty of his smile, his eyes and the way he ran his hand through his hair.

All you were aware in that moment was that Jason is just perfection in a six foot something frame. He was just that beautiful that you couldn’t find yourself looking away from him, ever; It had to be illegal to be that beautiful.

When Jason first met you in the cosy book store, trying to reach for a book that was just out of reach, he was far too concerned about the new vigilante that had taken to the street of Gotham. Nightshade was their name and they obviously had natural talent but were still sloppy in some areas, but they showed enough promise in their debut outing to be apart of the Outlaws. Dating was the last thing he needed honestly, despite affection, loyalty and love were something he deeply longer for more so then anything, however he felt a little tempted by the idea when you gave him a look of gratitude as he handed you the book was enough to set him alight.

‘Jason.’ He blurted.

‘Come again?’ You asked.

‘My name. It’s Jason.’ He clarified, internally cursing himself for making himself looking like a right idiot in front of you, but you just had that effect on him and it hadn’t even been ten minutes upon meeting you. Was he really that depraved? He asked himself as in that very moment you decided to smile at him, which gave him his answer that yes, he was indeed that depraved for a genuine connection. ‘Well it’s nice to meet you Jason. I’m y/n.’ You greeted, finding Jason absolutely endearing and insufferably cute. ‘Do you often help people with books or is it just a one time thing?’ You then asked, holding the book close to your chest, biting the inside of your cheek.

‘I don’t come here as often as I promised myself I would, so consider this as a rare occurrence.’ Jason shrugged, leaning against the shelf. ‘So do you come here often or are you a fellow procrastinator?’ You chuckled and Jason has to pat himself on the back for that one. He managed to make you laugh and god did it sound ethereal. ‘I’m kinda a fellow procrastinator but that’s because I’ve been busy with life and such.’ You told him, not wanting to admit to everything to a conventionally attractive man you’ve just met at a small, run down book store just yet; You didn’t want to fuck this up for yourself.

‘Oh yeah? Then maybe if you come here more often, I’ll have more of a reason to stop by other than the books.’ Jason said and you felt your smile even wider and tighten your grip on the book, casting your eyes to the floor. Curse this beautiful man for making you feel like a silly little schoolgirl either way a crush, it was both embarrassing as it was all consuming. ‘Sounds like you’re asking me on a date, mr Jason.’

Jason shrugs. ‘Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. I mean is it wrong for me to want to get to know you better?’

‘I guess it wouldn’t hurt.’ You admitted.

‘So it’s a date?’ Jason asked, anticipating your answer.

‘Yeah. It’s a date.’ You replied, feeling a warmth flood through your body, followed by a feeling of nervousness simultaneously it was hard to figure out which feeling you should focus on.

Several book store dates, skirting your obvious feelings for one another and moving into his apartment later, you and Jason were officially a couple: and a happy one at that. And yet despite sharing everything to one another, every deep secret you’ve ever kept in your entire life and yet the one secret neither of you chose to disclose was your vigilante identities, and for simple and justifiable reasons on both your parts; You didn’t want Jason to be brought into the crossfire as a casualty and Jason didn’t want you to get hurt because of the dangerous people he wronged as RedHood. You’ve both hated yourselves for keeping a tight lid on your vigilantism but you knew it was for the betterment of the other, after all ignorance was indeed -on some occasions- bliss.

However on this very night, everything you and Jason have ever hidden from the other had decided to come to light but not in a way that’d either of you were expecting.

You and Jason were cuddled up on the couch and enjoying a peaceful evening in together, seeing as for a week straight both of you have had your hands full with capturing and clearing the streets of Gotham of thugs, goons and drug dealers, and actually getting the golden opportunity to act like an ordinary couple and shower the other in the love and affection that you’ve both been aching for the entire week.

‘You need to get some better sleep Jaybirdie, I can see dark bags starting to form under your eyes.’ You mutter softly as you run your calloused thumbs under his eyes, naturally concerned for his health and well-being. ‘Are you saying that I’m not that appealing to look at anymore because I’m developing eye bags? How shallow of you babe.’ Jason joked as he moved his face from your hands and looking away from you with a pout on his lips.

You laughed, reaching to hold his face in your hands again and gently made him look at you. ‘Stop being dramatic my little Jay bird, I think you make eyes bags work for you but I just don’t like the idea of you staying up longer than you should.’ You said as you kissed his lips and then under his eyes, feeling him hum in content as he dragged you into him tightly. ‘I appreciate the compliment babe.’ He said as he pressed a kiss to your head, closing his eyes as he breathed you in deeply. ‘I’m sorry we haven’t had enough time with each other lately.’

You burrowed yourself deeper into him, hands clutching at his shirt. ‘it’s okay Jason and besides I should sorry too because there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you for a while now. I hope you don’t hate me afterwards.’ You admit, scared that this might break your beautiful relationship with the sweetest man you’ve ever met, who had been nothing but unquestionably loyal to you through and through. ‘You could do no wrong pretty baby,’ Jason cooed, ‘but since we’re sharing things, I have something that I’ve been keeping from you also sweetheart.’ Jason said as he feared that he’d only be scaring you away afterwards and he can only hope that you’d stay and hear him out.

‘No, Jason you don’t-‘ you were cut off by the sound of two emergency alerts going off from your shared bedroom and before leaping off of Jason’s lap, much to his displeasure and worry, and rushed towards the bedroom with Jason hot on your heels going on about something you couldn’t quite make out over the noise of the emergency alerts. It was rare that it goes off and when it does, it’s when someone like scarecrow or Joker has made a reemergence to the public and when they do, nothin good ever comes to pass.

Within the depths of your shared closet in your bedroom were two equal sized duffel bags. Inside these duffel bags held everything to do with your vigilante personas that you and Jason had hastily shoved inside, and all before you officially moved into his apartment too. You never touched his out of respect for him and he never touched yours out of respect also, you both knew which one belong to who as they also sat just beneath your own civilians clothes, that and the fact that Jason’s duffel bag was a lot more beat up and rugged compared to yours which only had slight wears and tears; but other then that it was relatively a new bag.

Right of this moment however you didn’t stop to think about which bag you’ve picked up because before you knew it you had locked yourself within the bathroom, just about ready to change into your attire, when you were face to face with a familiar red helmet causing you to freeze in place. While you were trying to grasp the idea that your beautiful, beautiful Jason was the ruthless RedHood, a knock on the bathroom door broke you from your thoughts, and you automatically knew that Jason saw your vigilante attire and was feeling a similar sort of confusion towards you as you were about him. You placed the red helmet back into the duffle bag, zipped it shut before unlocking and opening the door wide enough for Jason to hold out your duffel bag towards you.

‘I believe this is yours sweetheart.’ He said awkwardly.

‘Thank you Jaybirdie.’ You mutter as you took the bag off of him, placing it down on the toilet seat as you picked up his duffel bag and handed it to him through the gap in the doorway. ‘I believe this belongs to you.’

‘Thank you sweetheart.’ Jason replied as he took the bag off of your hands as an uncomfortable air of silence followed as you both stood on either sides of the door, not knowing how to properly address the situation. Until… ‘I knew I recognise that ass in spandex anywhere.’

‘JASON!’ You exclaimed, face becoming flushed.

‘What? It’s true you’ve got a distinctly shaped ass! So of course I’m going to recognise it!’ Jason replied, throwing his hands up in the air.

‘So you’ve admitted to staring at my ass like a perv?’ You asked, crossing your arms over your chest.

Jason pushed the bathroom door open fully to get closer to you and hold your face in his hands. ‘Don’t start acting like you haven’t stared at my ass like a perv, perv.’ He says with a chuckle upon seeing the expression upon your face, pressing kisses from your forehead and all the way down to the tip of your nose. ‘I thought you wouldn’t notice.’ You murmur softly, making Jason laugh as he lead you out of the bathroom and into the bedroom, where he then sat you down on the end of the bed and held your hand.

‘Well unfortunately for you, I do notice and I can’t say I don’t like the attention that I’d get for my charming parent.’ Jason says as he kisses the back of your hand. ‘You’re not mad that I’m a vigilante and have been keeping it from you all this time?’ You asked, running your thumb over his hand. ‘No because it would be quite hypocritical if I did because I’ve been keeping the same secret hidden from you also. Would you be mad at me being RedHood?’ Jason asked and you immeditly replied ‘no because I know you did so to keep me safe.���

‘Ans I know that you didn’t tell me for the exact same reason.’ Jason butted in. ‘Now that we know however, this just means that we’re even more of a kick ass couple because we literally kick ass every night and I couldn’t be more prouder of you baby.’ He add as he presses kisses to your face, making you chuckle before pulling away. ‘But that doesn’t mean I won’t stop worry about my baby. So expect a whole lot of team ups in the future okay chipmunk?’ You pressed a kiss to his cheek before stealing one from his lips as you stood up from the bed, tugging at his arm. ‘Why don’t we start teaming up now? RedHood and Nightshade, they’ll never see us coming by a long shot!’ You said and Jason couldn’t help but smile at your excitement as he then stood up, groaning dramatically. ‘Alright, alright, quick pulling my arm and get changed so we can go catch us some bad guys.’

You beamed brightly as you stole another kiss from his lips. ‘I love you Jaybirdie.’

‘The things I do for you buttercup.’ Jason spoke against your lips as he kisses you again.

[beastofburdenxo]

Arrangements

Tommy and his new "business deal" officially meet.

No smut. Requested by @koalamysterio

Age gap relationship. She's early 20s, and he's pushing 40.

Tommy walks in the empty Garrison. He figures it would be best to meet you before the wedding to soothe your fears. You are young and pretty, and your family used you as a pawn in their latest business deal with the Shelby's. In return for helping them out, Tommy gets you for himself.

The bell rings above the door, signaling his arrival. You try and duck behind the bar to hide from him. You've heard rumors about what he does, and you're afraid of him. Tommy sits calmly at the bar, like any normal day. "Please come out, love." He lights his cigarette. "I won't hurt you. Please let me see you." You timidly peak out from behind the bar, fear evident in your eyes. "There she is. Have any drink you like love. All of this will soon be yours."

You gain a bit of bravery and fully stand. "I don't want any of it." This makes Tommy chuckle. "I know. Honestly, this whole arrangement thing is new to me too. I surprised myself and my family by agreeing to it." You look anywhere but at him. "So why did you?" You wait for his answer. "I can see that they are not the best people. You are not like them, I can see it in your eyes. I figure getting a sweet thing like you away from them and into my arms would soften the blow of their eventual betrayal."

"So I'm just supposed to be your pain killer? Your arm candy? I literally have met you one time, Tommy! This isn't fair!" You freeze at your tone towards Tommy, afraid he'll come over the bar at you. "I know it's not, love. But your life will be better now. You may be getting married to me, but you still have free will. Anything you want is yours. The Shelby name will open so many doors for you. Your family will no longer have a say in what you do once you are mine. I have no desire to hinder you and keep you locked in a big house all day."

Being locked in a big house is all you know, so this is very tempting. The trips, the shopping, no more being a personal maid to your overbearing family. You may come from money, but your family acts like you are just the help. there is just one more hurdle. "Will I have to sleep with you?" You whisper, cheeks turning red. Tommy raises his eyebrow at this. "Well, would you like to? You'll be my wife, after all." You look down at the floor in embarrassment. Tommy picks up on this immediately. "I will never force you love. Never. Hell, you can have your own room for awhile if that makes you feel better. On a different floor even. I know of your innocence, and I want you to know that nothing will happen without your say so. I'm not an animal. We can just be roommates and get to know each other a bit, yeah? Would that be okay?"

You meet his eyes for the first time today. There is no malice in them, just slight concern at what you thought he would do to you. "You promise Tommy?" He reaches over and grabs your delicate hand. "I promise sweetheart. I will only touch you when you are ready for me to. I may be an older man, but I'm not like your father. I will take such good care of you. Now, I will have to kiss you at the wedding." This causes a slight smile to form on your face. "But after that, nothing else until you say. I promise."

Your fears are slightly eased. You just don't know how to feel about having your first kiss ever in front of a bunch of people. "Well, I've got to go, sweetheart. I'll see you at the wedding Mrs Shelby?" Your heart races at hearing your new title."I'll see you there, Tommy. "

[dipperscavern]

Dunno if im doing this right lol but can I have a Spell Casting with Jon and the prompt 'always turning their head when your name is mentioned' in the sort of way that the reader does dumb shit and Jon knows that she would have done something stupid. Also, if It's not too much to ask can the reader be a Bolton who betrayed her brother and helped Sansa escape (no one ever writes this trope and I'm half tempted to write it myself lol)

Also, congrats on 1k!!! Honestly, your writings the best and you deserve way more. Loves you Dippy <33

absoloutely, thank you for the ask!! love u more <33

3. always turning their head if your name is mentioned

ʚ‎‏ ͜ ̩͙ ︵ ̩͙ ୨ ♡ ୧ ̩͙ ‏︵ ̩͙ ͜ ɞ

it was a surreal feeling, being back in winterfell.

not just for jon, but for you, sansa, and theon. the place you had fought so hard to escape, and here you were, barely a week later.

some had doubts about whether you could be trusted, but sansa was steadfast in her assurance of your loyalty — without you, she would’ve never survived. even with the princesses advocation, for a while, all people could see when they looked at you was your last name.

no matter peoples prejudice, you had quickly asserted yourself as nothing like your brother. you were light-hearted and fun — always getting yourself into trouble, yet somehow usually managing to weasel your way out of consequences. if anything was happening, you could be found in the very center of it, and that’s one of the (many) things that jon grew to love about you.

even with your differences, you and jon just fit. normally regarded as stoic and brooding, jon found that the smiles came easier around you. you had that cheeriness that reminded jon of sam, except he didn’t find himself near as taken with sam as he was with you. he’s not quite sure how you weaseled your way into his heart, but you have, and there you stay.

even with the mother of dragons arriving to winterfell, and the impending threat of white-walkers bringing eternal darkness, somehow, you’re the same as you’ve always been. to everyone, it’s a welcome relief among all the gloom that’s surrounded winterfells usually-warm feeling atmosphere.

“Where’s Bolton?”

jon pauses his inspection of the dragon-glass daggers, and his head turns in the direction of the voice that spoke your name. he spots the most peculiar conversation he’s seen yet, where sandor clegane and dolorous edd are stood facing one another.

edd looks around for a moment, before returning his gaze to sandor. “In the dirt, haven’t you heard?”

“Not the bastard, you idiot — the girl.” before jon could ask why sandor clegane could possibly be looking for you, his question is answered. “I heard her and the ginger are arm wrestling.”

arm wrestling? you and tormund?

jon thinks he may have misheard, but he’s proven wrong when a look of recognition adorns edds face. “Ah, the hot one.” he says. “In the entrance hall.”

edd juts his head in the direction towards the castle, and sandor looks that way, before giving edd a brief nod and walking off. he notices jon looking, and only widens his eyes a bit, before making his way towards jon.

“Arm wrestling?”

jon must sound as in disbelief as he is, and edd only raises his brows, shrugging. “He proclaimed his unyielding strength, and she’s got a point to prove.” he says, and catches the look on jon’s face that tells him that he doesn’t approcr. “So what? It’s only the end of the world.”

jon only sighs, shaking his head, before walking off in sandors direction.

no, he didn’t mind you having fun — quite the contrary. you (safely) having fun was jon’s favorite activity to watch. but sometimes, tormund can overstep. he means well, truly, but him not remembering to be careful and accidentally hurting you is a situation that’s completely plausible. and jon can’t stand the idea of you being hurt. he picks up his pace, walking briskly toward the castle.

as edd watches jon leave, he looks to gendry, widening his eyes in a shared look.

ʚ‎‏ ͜ ̩͙ ︵ ̩͙ ୨ ♡ ୧ ̩͙ ‏︵ ̩͙ ͜ ɞ

[lullabyalikpoptarot]

Jake Sim's Perspective Reading

On to the next person for this reading series. I will say his energy is not as easy to break through as Heeseung, as for Heeseung I got messages rather quickly, but for him, there is a harder layer to get through here. Now, I don't only channel through cards, but I also can get messages, during this whole process. I also meditate on the energy to see if anything comes through as well.

Now, for these readings I do like to think of a main theme song, like I did for Heeseung. Although, he quickly gave me one. I had to dig to find one for Jake. the song that popped up was Hold My Heart by Sara Bareillas, with the lyrics, "I'm crying, is anybody listening, does anyone know how to hold my heart." This could indicate he wasn't emotionally nurtured growing up, yup going there, or he doesn't feel anyone understands his hurt or pain. So, we'll see if this has relevance throughout this reading. I also got the message hardened soul, which can indicate he is a hard shell to crack.

I am also seeing the Strength card in my mind when I think of him. Now the card I am thinking of is the card that popped up in that reading that showed a need to overpower women. What I am getting is there is some insecurity here that stems from not getting the support or validation from his Mom (all alleged, no facts) Going with what I am getting. I hate getting this feeling or going too personal, but it may be the only way to explain his side of things, so got to go there. Now his energy is pulling me to do the heavier decks first, unlike Heeseung, so we are going to start off strong, I guess.

So, I like to elaborate on the things I said about his Mom. I won’t say she was a bad Mom, but parents are human, and they may not always provide the emotional support and validation a child needs. This may be the case here, so this may be where his insecurity stems from. Which then gives him this need to want to overpower women. I do feel he isn’t aware of this or has addressed this as it can take a while to heal childhood wounds. I just felt the need to express this as this will help understand him a bit better and where he is coming from.

So, I am getting he tries to hide his true colors, maybe this has to do with his insecurities, but I am also getting this struggle to face himself. It is like he molds himself into something or tries to fit a mold. He cages himself in. His inability to face himself and show his true colors can lead him astray, or lead to disastrous results. It is like he falls for the trap each and every time, an endless cycle. Women can be tempting for him, maybe someone to conquer. Maybe they are a trigger for him, but how he is with women is a lesson he needs to learn. His relationships may trigger childhood wounds, as all romantic relationships will do, but for him it is a huge lesson for him. This is what he should work on healing, if not, his relationships will not end well for him and create despair for him. I am getting a lot of cards of showing a facade for him. There is a strong insecurity here, and that his need to show a better version of himself, even though he is flawed, seems to be very important to him. There could be some pent-up anger, or passive aggressiveness with him. I do see him being cool, calm, collected most of the time, but out of nowhere blow up and get very upset. Honestly, I do this too. It comes from lacking emotional maturity, calling myself out here too. I feel there could be anger he may have of someone, but may direct it at someone else, this could relate to romantic relationships. This could also be pent up frustrations from his childhood that he hasn't resolved.

I am not really sure he ever felt protected, and there is this need to protect his energy. I agree, his energy gives me way too much information, please work on protecting it! Although physically he can shield himself, energetically he is an open book. I am just getting there wasn't a gentle, loving protective figure in his life. There is a lot of stuck energy this boy has, and if energy is contained and gets stuck it could lead to illnesses, so he may want to work on clearing out this energy. I agree his energy is stuck, because every time I read for him, the same strong message pops up. There is a message for him to work on healing and integrate this into his life. I really wish I knew this boy in real life, so I could tell him all this. He really needs to heal his wounds, if not, he will have a battle with who he is and how he may treat relationships with women. Healing work/shadow work is very hard, but it needs to be done to become a better and happier person. I just keep seeing the card Fated to Suffer from my one deck in my head, he did get that card. This means that may be his fate if he doesn't heal. I would suggest for him to practice mediation, this may be helpful for him on his healing journey.

He utilizes his career as an idol to gain this validation he craves. He craves the attention. But for him to transcend and reach a higher level of awareness he should work on healing, yup lots of cards of healing here coming up for him. There is something about giving and receiving love in a healthy manner. To find value in his loving relationships, but also find value and love within himself. Not sure he has much love for himself either. He will need to release the skeletons he has, do some shadow work to remove the stagnant energy that keeps him in a loop. Okay, I will finish off with some Tarot cards, because it just seems there is repeated themes here. Which means this is important lesson for him to learn.

Jesus, they really want to stress the importance of his connections. He got all cups from this deck, so yeah, this shows he is a very sensitive and emotional persons and that connections he has will teach him a lot about himself. So, I am using a deck with keywords on the card, and for the 2 of cups he got, the keywords intimate connections and romantic connections stick out, this indicates relationships will be important to him on his life journey. I can see him being very heavily influenced by his emotions. So, I also got a card with Pisces energy, the words that stick out are, overly emotional, sensitive, romantic, moodiness and can't let go. These could be things he may need to address with how he goes about things. And last, he got the King of Cups, which is an emotionally stable card, which is great. Generally, he is pretty emotionally stable, caring, loving and compassionate. He can be very intuned with his emotions, but this energy can also create a barrier to their emotions, so it can be hard to get deeper with him. So, he might make it hard to penetrate through to deeper levels of him.

Okay, so I was drawn to another deck as well, now why they drew me to this?, because girl, he isn't seeing this, and this deck is for your own personal journey, but maybe they want you to know. So, once again, another card about validation is popping up, the card wants him to recognize that validation is within himself, not externally, so it is important to seek validation from within, his validation is enough. And once again, another card of him needing to release some things, be it negative and limited thoughts about himself, or self-criticism he may have. He should create an open space filled with love, abundance, positivity and opportunities. They also suggest him doing morning rituals or practices that help him tune in to himself *cough* mediation I am guessing. He should take space for himself first thing. He should not rush first thing or look online first thing in the morning. But focus more on what is going on with him and be still for a bit, before going about his day. I know that will probably be hard for him, but that is what I got.

Okay, this was long. This wasn't as heavy as I thought it would be, wasn't too bad. I am glad I did this, because I felt I humanized him a bit more here, because my readings of him put him in a negative light and that is not my intention, so hopefully this sheds light on him.

[stuffymcstuffsworld]

The wonders of earth

Shichiro honestly had no idea where he was. He had never seen anywhere like this in all his travels. His curious talens collected samples as he cautiously walked along the unfamiliar terrain.

He couldn't sense any demonic energy. Infact... nothing around him appeared to be related to the netherworld. His eyes widen with fascination.

Suddenly, he hears footsteps. He turns and... he can't believe it. Is that? A... human? Standing a few feet away stood one. The tempting smell wafting off of them. Mouthwatering.

Saliva building up in his mouth he swallows. No. He couldn't eat them. Humans were so rare after all. It lifts their hand and waves.

☆Whatever you do, I'll do it too. Show me everything and tell me how, it all means something and yet nothing to me.☆

He lifts his own and waves back slowly. It says something, but he can't understand it. "Are... you saying hello?" He asks softly.

They take a step back wide-eyed. He quickly lifts his hands in surrender. "Don't go, I won't hurt you." The human tilts their head studying him.

☆I can see there's so much to learn. It's all so close and yet so far. I see myself as people see me. Oh, I just know there's something bigger out there!☆

They were so small. They looked fragile. The days pass by as he explores this new place. His new human guide leads him around. Always keeping several feet ahead of him.

☆I wanna know, can you show me? I wanna know about these strangers like me. Tell me more, please show me. Somethings familiar about these strangers like me.☆

A lagoon, the water pools around their feet. He stays at the edge, watching them catch fish. It was amazing. Everything was so different from the Netherworld. Even the fish was smaller and more delicate. They didn't even have any teeth! How strange.

☆Every gesture, every move that they make, makes me feel like never before. Why do I have this growing need to be beside them?☆

Before he knew it, his human had warmed up to him. They had relaxed and slowly came closer step by step. How lovely. His heart soared.

☆Oh these emotions I never knew. Of some other world far beyond this place. Beyond the trees above the clouds. I see before me a new horizon!☆

Sunshine, laughter. Huddling underneath his wings as the rain pours. Observing the night sky. Struggling to learn each other's language.

☆I wanna know! Can you show me? I wanna know about these strangers like me. Tell me more, please show me. Something's familiar about these strangers like me.☆

A field of flowers. A starry sky. Insects that they had called fireflies twinkling around. The large gargoyle being led. Tiny hands tugging on large talons.

☆Come with me now to see my world, where there's beauty beyond your dreams. Can you feel the things I feel right now... with you. Take my hand. There's a world I need to know!☆

Then... he woke up. Shichiro slowly sits up from his nest. He looks around. His room is just how he left it. He searches for proof that it was real. That it wasn't just a dream.

But he finds nothing. Yet... it had been so vivid. He couldn't help but draw his human. Their bright eyes stared back at him from the page.

"What are you doing?" He looks up to see Kalego and Opera looking at him from the door. "Hurry up and get ready. We'll be late."

He gets dressed. Opera snatches his sketchbook. "Who's this?" He blushes. "Uhh... it's just what I think a human would look like."

☆Tell me more, please show me. Something's familiar about these strangers like me.☆

Kalego also gazed at the drawing. "Mmm looks troublesome. How annoying." Opera smacked him. "Ignore him, he's just jealous. They look pretty."

☆I wanna know.☆

[tom-failure]

Hmm, how about Rika for that character ask game? 👀 And I'll throw in Zen as well, feel free to babble about him as much as you want <3

HO HO HO someone actually wants to hear my hot takes!!! Well, you’re in for a treat, my friend *cracks knuckles*

Rika

favourite thing about her

I’m gonna be hella controversial here, BUT my favourite thing about Rika is the lengths to which the game goes to justify her. HEAR ME OUT. This is the treatment always reserved for male characters. They are the ones getting coddled, loved, and redeemed (cough Jihyun Kim cough Jumin Han cough Saeran Choi). And Rika doesn’t even (arguably) get redeemed! She gets justified! The game explicitly tells you: ‘forgive her, or you’re a rape/pedophile apologist’. And hoo boy, that’s refreshing to see, especially in a game as misogynistic as MysMes.

I support women’s wrongs in this case. Raped women can have little a death cult. As a treat.

*mic drop*

least favourite thing about her

Hmm, I don’t know! I think Rika is a really good sympathetic villain. She’s sleazy, creepy, and at times plain terrifying. Recently I was chatting with a follower and we talked at length about how scary of an all-permeating presence Rika is/was to the RFA. But on the other hand, she has solid motivations for what she does, she has a pretty coherent (if fucked up) philosophy she follows, she’s well-rounded as a character!

I think the only thing I don’t particularly like about her is the voice performance and the whole Mika schtick. Rika doesn’t need someone nudging her towards the idea of a death cult to make her, as a villain, sympathetic. With all she’s been through, she is already sympathetic enough. And it’s enough that she takes her fucked up situation and turns it around to her advantage in this MORE fucked up way. It’s way more interesting.

And on the voice performances, I have very particular opinions. Rika’s strikes me as poorly acted oftentimes. Even taking into account the difference in mannerisms familiar to my Ukrainian ear VS the actress’ Korean.

favourite line

I love when, between being completely unhinged, she says incredibly sane stuff like this:

Like, SHE’S NOT WRONG!!!! Say it louder, queen!

But also…

brOTP

Honestly, I’m not sure Rika can truly have friends. I don’t think with her levels of fucked up, she could really keep such an arrangement. She can have followers, and she can have lovers, but I think, ultimately, she has never seen a normal equal relationship to such an extent that she wouldn’t know how to maintain it. So I guess it’s a blank here.

OTP

I think Rika with an evil fucked up MC is very *chef’s kiss*. V can suck it. And those two could be gay and do crime. Admittedly, I didn't pursue that ending, although I wad tempted, but I like the concept a lot.

But also, I love the dynamic of JuVRika and how they make each other worse, dragging everyone around them down with them. Those people are entangled in all sorts of manipulative and hurtful dynamics, and they all latch onto each other and refuse to let each other go. Truly a dysfunctional family, a toxic polycule, don’t join them when they spot you across the bar.

nOTP

I don’t have any strong negative feelings about Rika being shipped with anyone. Gonna be controversial again, but I don’t even judge people who see something romantic in Yoosung’s feelings for her. Go and indulge your toxic fucked up ships with my blessing.

random headcanon

Hmmm, don’t wanna repeat myself with the headcanons I already posted about her. I think a not-before-mentioned one that I really enjoyed was the one that came to life when I was talking to that follower about the Zen post. They said that Rika was down to solicit Zen for sex (maybe with V watching/filming/taking pictures) when they roped him into the RFA. And I’m seriously considering this possibility.

unpopular opinion

ANOTHER ONE?

Okay, here goes: I think Rika held way less power in her relationship with V than is often attributed to her. She was pretty much homeless and barely an adult when she was proposed to after just a couple months of barely knowing each other by some sort of a rich boy heir. She was severely mentally ill and she had pretty much no power in that relationship whatsoever. Without V, she would never have gotten access to those rich people and their resources, I don’t think. Yes, Rika made her fucked up decisions herself, but V made her SO MUCH worse beforehand. I think Rika is often blamed for what is actually his part.

song i associate with her

You are in luck! I make Spotify playlists for all characters and ships that interest me!

But if I had to pick one, probably On a Wire by Belasco

Shot myself

A final gaze

Through the glass of the watch

That you engraved:

‘To my love, my eternal love’...

‘YOU LIED, YOU BITCH’ —

I screamed from above.

And you,

Yeah you,

You wanted more than to fill a room with careless lies,

And you,

Yeah you,

You were the apple, no, the cause of my strife.

favourite picture of her

This one for the sheer memetic possibility.

Zen

favourite thing about him

I absolutely LOVE his backstory, even though it is so little explored. I love how dark it is and how it perfectly explains all of the shitty takes he has on the world and all the shitty habits he inflicts on the people he loves. I love his tragedy, I love how dark of a character he actually is, and how he came out of that hell so flawed, and yet undeterred. I love how rough around the edges his past has made him.

And oh, don’t get me STARTED on the voice performance. Best in the game, no contest.

least favourite thing about him

His route. I can’t STAND the whole premise, and I think it ruins him for a lot of people.

I’m also peeved by the way fandom doesn’t treat him seriously, but that pales before the treatment Yoosung is given, so I don’t think it’s worth elaborating on.

Yeah, the worst thing about Zen is his route, where he gets accused of raping a woman (poor boy gets his life ruined by an evil female, amirite, happens all the time), you gotta believe he is in the right there with no proof whatsoever (because women are evil and always lie, especially about rape, you know), AND THEN he is forced to reconcile with his shitty family that bullied him and let people harass him, to the point that he preferred to become homeless and a criminal??? And he never ONCE gets called out on his actual shitty behaviours?! Babes?!!

favourite line

This one on Jaehee route.

It’s so little yet so poignant. It is such a fleeting little thing, but it encapsulates his character in its entirety: lonely, hurt, yet caring about others first and foremost in his own clumsy ways; guarding his own wounds from others lest they suffer even a little bit of what he’s been through by proxy.

That guy makes me Feel Feelings.

brOTP

Zenhee! Or Zen/MC, specifically Joori, the MC I came up with and Jaehee’s girlfriend. But if we’re talking canon characters, then Jaehee. They would make each other so much better! Their friendship has so much potential! Zen would care for her in the very way she needs, I think his overbearing care is a perfect match for her self-neglecting self, and don’t get me started on how much he hypes her up! I saw a very good post recently about Zen wanting to be the older brother figure his own brother couldn't be to him, and here, I think, he could really shine. And Jaehee, with her reasonable and level-headed approach, would really give him good advice and bring him back to earth. She, too, can be overbearing with her care, but to beat Zen’s mind, set in his ways so hard he can’t look up? Yeah, that would work on him.

In general, it would be fun to see Zen have friendships with strong no-nonsense women, because he himself has strong enough a character and big enough a personality to offer them something cool and interesting, but also he really needs to be called out on his bullshit more.

OTP

…do I need to answer that? I’m THE Yoozen ambassador in this fandom, I am proud, and I’m still going strong. Yoozen/Zensung is THE ship ever, and I stand by it.

They care about each other a hell of a lot in canon, they compliment each other and stand up for each other, and I think they’re pretty much the only real friends in the whole RFA. And given Zen doesn’t let anyone close, the fact that he often invites Yoosung over and likes it is just very telling to me. The way they rely on each other and care for each other, despite Zen (and, arguably, sometimes Yoosung, too?) having no normal ways of showing it OR accepting it, makes my heart flutter. They talk about each other very tenderly to MC, too.

Also, I think they’d be incredibly good and healing for each other. Yoosung is very emotionally intelligent, empathetic, and insightful, and in him, Zen has a delicate and loving presence that he doesn’t have to explain himself to too much. Yoosung accepts him and wants to actually offer him warmth. And Yoosung’s open and kind enough to invite openness and kindness in return. He sees Zen for the big-hearted person that he is, and he could bring it out to shine.

And Zen is already so willing in canon to be the shoulder to cry on for Yoosung, to be good to him, he already wants to support him, help him, care for him, but he does it in all the wrongest and pushiest ways, hitting right into Yoosung’s own trauma. Yet, for all his forcefulness, Zen would give Yoosung the love that he craves: big, dramatic, and romantic. He is the protector, and he would do his damnedest to shield the softness in Yoosung, yet he would be the greatest inspiration and support for him to become firmer in his own personhood.

Besides, Zen with his fighting responses has the love that can complement Yoosung’s in its self-sacrificiality, and it’s just such a delicious dynamic for me.

nOTP

I am in general very faithful in terms of ships, so I’m not into any ships besides Yoozen that include Zen or Yoosung. But if we’re talking stronger feelings? Definitely Zumin. I am NOT into the trend of seeing outright hostility and saying, ‘yeah, that’s love right there’. I am old-fashioned like that.

random headcanon

I headcanoned extensively about Zen, both here and on Drawingmen, but the absolute pet headcanon of mine is the guy he had ‘too many firsts’ with, the unseen presence that prompted Love Story and that haunts Zen in all of my fanfic, but particularly Down Bad and The Wolf. I am currently writing a fic centering them both, and I even have a playlist about them now.

unpopular opinion

Romantically, I would not wish Zen upon any woman at all whatsoever. Zen has internalised the street code, he is EXTEREMELY prone to overcompensating, and he’s so desperate to be a beacon of masculinity (as an overcompensation, too, ironically) that he is bound to hurt people. His explosive character is just asking for trouble, and with the way he mellows down for the MC on his route… yeah, I know men like him. It never lasts long. I would not wish for any woman to deal with a man like that in a relationship.

song i associate with him

I got a Zen playlist, too, but it’s long and I haven’t filtered it in a while. The one song I would pick… probably Leave Me In by Zahl. 

It's all right if there's a battle tonight.

I'm right here and I'm ready to fight.

I swear I'm gonna kick daylight,

Serves him damn right.

So go on say your prayers,

But say them when I'm not there,

Cause that god, if he's there,

All he had for me was fear

And also, lately, Rokas by JUUK. After I drew that art with Zen’s hands over the years. Nothing quite particular about him in the lyrics, but it is now The Vibe.

You conceal your arms,

I conceal mine.

favourite picture of him

The CGs where he has Yoosung in his lap:

If I had a penny for each CG with Yoosung lying in Zen's lap, I'd have two pennies, which isn't much, but funny that it happened twice 😌

If you got this far, just letting you know I love you <3 Thank you for giving me the opportunity to ramble!

[f1tales]

he was sunshine, i was midnight rain.

he wanted it comfortable, she wanted that pain.

pairing: mason mount x ofc!actress

summary: olivia is a rising tv/movie star. mason is a star footballer. he wanted a life with her, she was still making her own name.

author's note: i originally wrote this as part of a midnights writing challenge that i set myself. this is the only one i ever managed to finish, so i thought: might as well post it cause it's been sitting in the drive for way too long! i'm tempted to make the other ones as well now.. haha we'll see. enjoy x

warning: i suppose it's not the kind of happy ending everyone wants? idk..

face claim: none.

word count: 3.5k

“Oh my god, Liv,” Lina rushed into the dressing room. “Look what just arrived for you!”

Olivia’s eyes fell on the big bouquet of white roses that Lina was holding. Her eyes scanned the bouquet for a card. She had found it in no time. Not that she needed it, she knew exactly who sent her these flowers.

Mason.

“Uh,” Olivia stumbled on her words, “yeah just put them down there.” She motioned her hand towards the corner of the vanity. Lina frowned as she did what her boss told her to do. Olivia sat back in the chair, staring at herself in the mirror.

“Don’t you want to read the card?”

Olivia shook her head, “uh, no I’ll do it after I finish shooting my scenes.”

Lina sat down on the sofa. “I wish I had a boyfriend like Mason.” she said. “He’s always sending you flowers, picks you up after long days, takes you out on dates.” Lina sighed. “He’s honestly such a nice guy, Liv. I don’t think you’ve ever dated anyone better than him.”

Tears welled up in Olivia’s eyes, “yeah, I know.” Her eyes were now focussed on the script in her lap. “He’s great.” she whispered.

Olivia waved goodbye to the crew that night as she walked towards the car park. She rubbed her hands through her eyes. It had been a long day. But this is what she wanted. She had known ever since she was little. She knew she wanted to be an actress one day. And now that was reality. So, she couldn’t complain. 

She knew she couldn’t complain about anything. Her life was exactly what she wanted it to be. She was an actress, starring in her own tv series. Her boyfriend was the greatest man she had ever met in her life. She should feel complete.

But, she didn’t. Something felt off.

“Hello gorgeous.”

Olivia smiled; there he was. Perfect as always; wearing pearly white sneakers, a tracksuit and the most gorgeous smile. The blood rushed to her cheeks when Mason placed his soft lips on hers. She felt butterflies in her stomach. She wrapped her arms around his waist, placing her head against his chest.

“Hey.”

“We should go,” Mason muttered, “people are watching.”

Olivia hummed. People were always watching. Mason grabbed onto her hand and led her over to his car. She smiled at him as he opened the door for her. She saw flashes going off as Mason closed the passenger side door.

“Have you eaten yet?”

Olivia simply hummed in response, resting her head against the window, “I’m tired. Can we just go to yours?” She bit her lip when Mason put a hand down on her thigh, his eyes focused on the road in front of them.

The young actress zoned out of the conversation. She faintly heard Mason talk about coming down to his match this weekend, his teammates would love to meet her. She didn’t reply, she just looked out the window. She had no idea where all of this was coming from. She didn’t understand how a relationship this healthy; how a guy this good to her, could hurt her so much.

Mason glanced over at the gorgeous girl in the seat next to him. He gently squeezed her thigh. He was so lucky to have her. She was everything he ever wanted; she was kind, sweet, smart, funny. She was the whole package. Yet she hadn’t felt like herself, Mason had noticed. Something was off.

After a short drive the pair arrived at Mason’s house.

“Go take a shower,” Mason told his girlfriend, “I’ll cook us some dinner.”

Olivia smiled at Mason, her heart melted at the sight of him. She hadn’t properly looked at him yet. Sure, she had noticed his royal blue Chelsea tracksuit and the pearly white sneakers. But she hadn’t noticed his messy hair, the sparkle in his eyes as he looked at her. She nodded, “okay.” She walked over to him, brushing her lips softly against his.

Mason placed a hand on her cheek, stroking her cheek with his thumb. Mason watched as she left the kitchen. He smiled, then turned to his fridge. 

Olivia smiled to herself as she entered the shower. She loved Mason, she really did. She shook her head as she washed out the shampoo. Why she doubted this so much, she would never know. The guy’s downstairs cooking her up a meal, for God’s sake! She let the warm water run down her back and wash away all her feelings and doubts.

With a towel wrapped tightly around Olivia walked towards Mason’s bedroom. She grabbed a pair of her underwear and tank top from her drawer. She opened the drawer beneath that to get a pair of biker shorts. She then walked to the bed where she saw one of Mason’s jumpers.

It was too big on her, but she had never felt more comfortable. She put on a pair of warm socks before she began her way downstairs again.

“Oh Mase,” Olivia wrapped her arms around Mason’s waist from behind him, “this actually smells really nice.” She stood on her tiptoes to rest her chin on his shoulder. 

Mason stirred through the pan of vegetables, “oi,” he chuckled, “have a little faith.”

Olivia placed a kiss on his shoulder before letting go of him. “It’s just that last time you cooked it didn’t go down so well.” she said. She grabbed a bottle of white wine. She poured herself and Mason a glass. She sat down on a high chair at the cooking island. She rested her head on her hands watching Mason cook.

Five minutes later the food was ready. Olivia sat crossed legged on the couch when Mason handed her a plate. Mason looked at the TV. He groaned, “no, Livie, not again.” Mason sat down on the couch next to his girlfriend. “We’re not watching this again.”

“Please,” Olivia pouted, “I love this film!”

Mason sighed, “fine, fine.” he grumbled. He placed the plate on his lap. He watched as Olivia got comfortable on the couch. She pressed play and for what felt like the fiftieth time that week How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days began to play on the TV. “It’s like you’re trying to lose me here, babe.”

Olivia smiled, her stomach suddenly hurting very much. She picked at her food as the opening scene started. Halfway through the movie Mason had fallen asleep on the couch with his head on Olivia’s lap. Olivia was still very much focussed on the movie as she played with Mason’s hair.

Olivia chuckled at the TV as Andie and Ben sang You’re So Vain. 

Mason stirred in his sleep. He opened his eyes, covering them with his hand to adjust to the light. He looked over to the TV and groaned, “is it still not over?” Olivia gave him a kiss on his forehead as she reached for the TV remote.

“Don’t worry, we can turn it off.” she said. She paused the movie then turned off the TV. “I’m quite tired as well.”

The pair cleared up their dishes. Olivia told her boyfriend to leave it all in the sink; she would clean them first thing tomorrow. Once in the bedroom, Olivia was the first one to get comfortable in the bed. Mason said he’d take a quick shower first.

“Mummy! Daddy! Wake up!”

Olivia blinked as the sound of a children’s voice woke her up. Two big, brown eyes were staring at her as she opened her own. She looked to her side; Mason was still fast asleep. “Daddy!” The toddler jumped on Mason. “Wake up! Santa was here last night!” The toddler shook Mason’s shoulder.

Mason slowly woke up, a grin creeping up on his face when noticing the small child that was now sitting on top of him. “Hey buddy,” Mason sat up in the bed and took the toddler on his lap. “Good morning.” he said as he kissed the toddler on the top of his head.

“Daddy,” the child pulled on Mason’s hand, “let’s go. There’s presents!” The toddler looked from Mason to Olivia with wide eyes. “Come on!”

“Okay, okay,” Mason laughed, “Mummy and I will get dressed first, okay?” Mason looked over at the confused woman in the bed next to him. Mason put the child down on the floor, “go put your Christmas sweater on, buddy.”

Olivia frowned, ‘mummy’. Why was he referring to her as this child’s mother? As far as Olivia was concerned the two of them did not have children. Nor would they have any in the foreseeable future. She watched as the toddler happily ran off to his bedroom.

“Good morning, beautiful.” Mason gave her a quick kiss on her lips. “You seem a bit dazed. Are you okay?” Olivia merely nodded in response to him. “Okay.” Mason got out of bed. As he was pulling a Christmas sweater over his head he said, “we should hurry. Theo will have opened all the presents by himself.”

Olivia got herself out of bed. She looked over at a dresser across from the bed; a few picture frames on top of it caught her eye. She pulled on the Christmas sweater that was lying on an armchair not too far away from the dresser. She grabbed a picture frame from the dresser.

Mason had his arms around her as she was wearing a beautiful, white dress. They were both smiling. They looked happier than ever. Mason’s hands were resting on her stomach, where she could make out the tiniest bump.

She put the picture down again. She picked up another, where she was laying in a hospital bed with a little blue bundle in her arms. She bit her lip as she looked down at it. In a picture frame next to the one she was holding, she saw Mason and her sitting on their very own bed. Mason had the little boy on his lap, but Olivia had another baby in her arms. The little baby was wrapped in pink.

“They grow up so fast, don’t they?”

Mason wrapped his arms around Olivia’s waist. He rested his chin on her shoulder. Olivia simply hummed in response as she put the photo back down. Mason pressed a quick kiss on his wife’s shoulder, “alright. I’ll go grab Skylar and Theo.”

Olivia only nodded slightly. She left the bedroom not long after Mason went to get their children. She wandered around the house. She opened every room, having a peek in what is now apparently her life. There was barely any glimpse into her past life.

No movie posters; no TV-show posters; no awards besides the ones she had won before her children were born; no pictures of her at fancy award shows. The walls of the house were covered with family photos. 

She smiled at them; they seemed like a happy family.

“Livie,” Olivia looked around, there wasn’t anyone there but yet her name was being repeated over and over again. Olivia furrowed her brow.

“Liv!”

Olivia’s eyes opened wide. Mason was staring down at her, his eyes wide and worried. He let out a big sigh of relief. Olivia looked around; she was in Mason’s bedroom. Her chest was rising and falling fast. She ran a hand through her hair. She frantically looked around the room. Her eyes fell on the dresser across the room.

Not a picture in sight.

“Liv, are you okay?”

Mason now sat in front of her, his legs crossed. “You were tossing and turning like crazy when I came out of the shower,” he placed one of his hands lovingly on her shoulder. Olivia flinched. Mason stared at her, his eyes full of hurt. She got up from the bed. She looked around the room, trying to find any trace of the children she and Mason seemingly had.

There were none.

“Liv, what’s going on?”

“I-,” she shook her head, “nothing.” She took a deep breath. She turned around to face Mason once again. He looked worried, she noted. And hurt. She smiled at him. “Just a bad dream.” She sat down on the bed with him. She placed her hand on his cheek, “I’m fine.”

Mason smiled slightly as Olivia pressed a kiss on his cheek. He watched her get back into his bed. He crawled in next to her not much later. He frowned when she tensed as he pulled her close. But then he smiled when she held onto his hands not much later.

“I love you,” he mumbled before pressing a kiss to her hair.

“I love you,” the words echoed through Olivia’s head for the rest of the night. She had pretended to be asleep when Mason had muttered these words. All the doubts she had earlier came flooding back and they weren’t letting her sleep.

Just before midnight, as she was falling asleep, she realised what was really keeping her up.

She couldn’t stay in this relationship with Mason.

two weeks later…

Olivia’s eyes fluttered open. She felt around the bed. Mason wasn’t there. She sat up in bed. “Mase?” she called out. She walked over to the chair in the corner. She pulled his blue jumper over her head. She found a note on the dresser.

She shivered as she picked it up. That damn dresser. Every time she walked into this room she still expected to see the perfect family pictures up on that dresser. Every time she was afraid that dream had become reality.

Gone to get us breakfast. Love Mase

Olivia put the note back on the dresser. A cold shiver ran through her body. “Would it kill him to turn up the temperature a bit..” she mumbled. She opened Mason’s sock drawer, looking for a comfy pair of socks to keep her warm. She picked up a pair of black socks. Her eyes fell on a green velvet box with a notepad underneath it.

Olivia’s heartbeat picked up, her hands began to shake and her breathing was uneven. The pair of black socks fell to the floor. She knew she shouldn’t, but her hand reached for the box. She gasped as she opened it. She quickly closed the box again. She got the notepad from the drawer.

Speech after speech was written on the notepad. Words, even full sentences, were crossed out. Her eyes scanned paper after paper. They all came down to the same thing. 

Will you marry me?

She dropped the notepad to the floor. With shaking hands she took the box and sat down on the edge of Mason’s bed. She looked at the beautiful ring that was inside the small box. A tear rolled down her cheek.

A tear of sadness.

“Livie..” Mason stood in the doorway, breakfast in his hand. “You weren’t meant to find that.” Olivia said nothing as she closed the box. She heard some ruffling and before she knew it Mason was in front of her. On his knees. He had taken the box from her hands. “This isn’t how I planned to do this,” he chuckled, “but I guess now is as good a time as any.”

Olivia looked away from him, tears streaming down her face. This was it. This was where it would all end. This was the push she needed to end things with Mason. 

“I love you so much and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you,” Mason had tears in his eyes, but a smile on his face. Olivia’s heart broke at the sight; she had led him on for so long. She should have ended things when she first started having serious doubts about their relationship. She didn’t think she ever felt her heart beat this fast before. “Will you marry me?”

Olivia pursed her lips, her tears rolling uncontrollably down her face.

“Mase, I-,” she let out a big sniff, “I-,” her hands wiped the tears away under her eyes. “I can’t.” She shook her head. “No.”

It all happened so fast after this. The green, velvet box fell from Mason’s hands. He got up from his kneeling position. His hands were in his hair as he paced around the room. He watched Olivia walk around the room to gather her things. She put them in an overnight bag. She was crying as she told him she just didn’t feel that way about him anymore. Mason didn’t speak as Olivia pleaded with him to say something. He stood nailed to the floor. He stood lifelessly in front of her.

Just as she wanted to leave the bedroom, Mason’s voice stopped her.

“Tell me,” Olivia tried to look him in the eyes, but she couldn’t. Her heart ached. “If I had never asked you to marry me, would you have ever told me you didn’t feel the same?”

Olivia’s eyes darted towards the floor; she probably wouldn’t have. She couldn’t speak. She opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. That was all Mason needed to know as he curtly nodded at her. “Right,” he said, “well, don’t let me keep you.”

With her head down she headed out the door. That was the last time they would see each other.

Olivia and Mason didn’t speak anymore. She thought about him a lot for the first two weeks after they split up. She thought about him when she was laying in bed on her own at night. For the first time in years she was sleeping by herself. She focussed on her work, landing a role in a big movie production. She moved to Los Angeles, as far away from Mason and her past life as she could.

She heard he had found someone new. They seemed happy. This girl was living the life she gave away. The life Mason dreamt about while Olivia was making her own name; chasing the fame she wanted. From her assistant she heard that Mason had asked this girl to marry her; they would marry next summer.

Mason was happy. He met Lizzie in the coffee house she worked at, about five months after Olivia walked away from him. She was different. She was studying, working in the coffee house to pay for her studies and housing. Mason found himself coming back every other day, just to talk to her.

It took him a good month to finally ask her for her number. Lizzie made him laugh again; she made him whole again. She came to his games wearing his shirt; his name and number on her back. She wore it with so much pride. He dedicated all his goals to her.

Olivia never, ever crossed his mind. Except when she’s on TV.

Olivia sat on the couch in her tracksuit. Her make-up from tonight’s Oscar celebrations is still on her face. Lina was rummaging around in the kitchen, to make the two English girls a good cuppa. Mason was never on her mind anymore, except on midnights like this.

She would never tell anyone, but she missed him. She was right where she wanted to be, but she was alone. She looked at the golden statue that stood on her coffee table. She would have loved to have him by her side as she won her first big award.

“Hey,” Lina sat down with her, handing her the cup of tea. “What’s on your mind?”

Olivia simply smiled. Lina could read her like no-one else. “Nothing,” she shrugged as she took a sip of the hot tea. Lina simply raised an eyebrow as she looked at her friend. They didn’t need to speak; they both knew Mason was on her mind. “I don’t know,” Olivia shrugged again, “I guess sometimes we all get just what we want, no?”

She stared at the statue on the coffee table again.

“I’m just overcome by this haunting feeling, you know?” Lina simply nodded in response to her friend. “Trust me, I know I made the right decision years ago to walk away. Cause this,” she motioned her arm around, “this is what I wanted. Cause I never really think of him anymore.” she sadly smiled. “Just on midnights like this, I get a bit haunted by the what ifs and the what could have been’s.”

Halfway across the world, Mason snuck out of bed early. He was clutching his phone tightly in his hand. He looked at Lizzie, who was sound asleep on their shared bed. He quietly walked out of the bedroom and into the downstairs living room.

He sat down on the couch, opening his phone. He typed away on his phone, waiting for the Internet page to load. As he waited, he looked around the room. A picture next to the TV caught his eyes; a picture of Lizzie’s first sonogram last week. Their little baby’s first picture; a warm and fuzzy feeling overcame him.

His eyes widened as he looked down at the screen in his hand again.

“English actress Oliva Clark takes home her first ever Oscar Award for Best Actress.”

He smiled, “you did it.”

no part two.

[hwanghyunjinenthusiast]

Ease

AN: Yes, I caved. I was tempted to write about Seonghwa instead, but I realised I haven't written anything for San yet, so here we are. What can I say, I am a weakling for men with children. Shoutout to Troye Sivan for the title.

Synopsis: After a particularly rough day with months of working on your latest book finally coming to an end, your husband reminds you that's he'll always be there for you. In every way he can be.

General tags: Choi San x Fem! Reader, Reader and San are married with a daughter, Writer! Reader, Househusband! San, hurt and comfort elements, fluff and mentions of alcohol and alcohol consumption.

Smut tags: Switchy tendencies from both Reader and San, nipple play (f. and m. receiving), dirty talk, oral sex (f. receiving), fingering (f. receiving), unprotected piv sex, elements of objectification (m. receiving), not a breeding kink but, San gets off (like a lot) cumming inside of Reader and creampie.

Word count: 5738

I will block you if you are a minor and have no easily visible indication of your age on your blog if you interact with me in any way.

Your apartment is silent for the most part when you slip in. You can faintly hear San in the kitchen, but there's no signs of your daughter's signature laugh and nonstop rambling filling the space of your home. The quiet reminds of you of a time that seems as though it was a lifetime ago when it was just San and you. The nostalgia causes a smile to rise to your lips as you place your bag down on the couch and journey your way into the kitchen.

Affection bubbles inside of you as San hums a tune you don't recognise while he cooks. You have no idea what he's making but, the scent invades your nostrils and your stomach growls. Not loud enough to alert him but, loud enough that you remember that the last thing you consumed was an iced coffee during lunch with your editor. Your nerves too fried to even think about eating. The meeting why you've come home so late that your daughter isn't even up to welcome you home.

You try your best to ignore the way that twists your stomach.

Perhaps it's the sheer exhaustion of the day, or the guilt, or just that you simply love your husband that prompts you to walk towards him and wrap your arms around his waist. You laugh into his shoulder when he jumps slightly, nearly dropping the pepper in his shock.

"Jesus, you scared me," he huffs, but there's no real bite in his voice. One of his hands reaching down to give your own a squeeze.

"You were too focused on your cooking I guess," you respond, feeling lighter than you have in months.

"In my defence, this is a great pasta," he retorts, and you can hear the grin in his voice. He lowers the heat before turning in your embrace. You don't know if you'll ever grow indifferent to just how stunning your husband. His dimples poking through as he smiles at you and his arms wrap around your waist.

"How'd it go?" He asks, giving you his undivided attention, and you'll never quite understand how you convinced this man to fall in love with you, marry you, and have a child with you.

You groan a little dramatically, resting your head against his shoulder. His chest vibrates with his soft chuckles, but he waits for you to respond nonetheless, "A lot better than I was expecting. Hongjoong said he was impressed with the first draft and he probably won't have to edit much. Which is great news but, fuck me that was one of the most tense meetings of my life."

"Why's that baby?" He asks, his thumbs rubbing soothing circles into your skin.

"I don't think I've poured this much of myself into a book ever, Sannie. God, I'm sure you know that better than anyone. I honestly don't know how I would've reacted if he didn't like it. I think I would've just broken down," you half joke.

He hums, choosing his words carefully before speaking, "I think sometimes it's easy to forget how talented you are because no one reads your work more than you. Even Hongjoong," he says with an uptick of his lips, "You're right that no one knows how much you worked on this draft more than me. Which is why I was confident it'd be received well," he says, leaning his forehead against yours.

"I'm so proud of you. I always will be."

Tears spring to your eyes completely unbidden. You clutch onto him tighter, your body seemingly determined to meld itself as close to his as possible. San, for his part, doesn't seem to mind. Holding you to his solid form just as closely.

"I love you," you whisper into him. Honestly, you don't expect him to hear you so his, "I love you too," and kiss to your forehead catch you off-guard. Fortunately his next frantic mutter of 'shit' helps to diffuse the tension. Before you can ask what's wrong, he turns away from you once more to stir the pasta. Tension leaving his shoulders when it appears to not have burned.

You take that opportunity to lift yourself up onto the counter and observe his broad back once more. "I'm surprised our little energiser bunny isn't here," you start. You know you're home later than usual but, she's typically still up by now.

He laughs at that, the sound filling the kitchen wonderfully and setting butterflies alight in your stomach, "She's come down with a bit of a cold," the news makes you frown, your grip on the counter growing harsher, "It's nothing too bad but, she has been sleeping earlier over the past few days."

God, how could you miss that? Sometimes, it still leaves you stunned that she's already two. How much more of her life are you going to miss?

"Don't do that."

Your eyes fly up to meet the back of San's head. He seems satisfied with the dish, turning off the stove and setting the pot on one of the cool plates.

"I can hear you beating yourself up from here," he says, turning to you, and it takes a tremendous amount of effort not to shy away from the knowing look on his face. "You're a great mother. I know that, and so does she. Just because you didn't catch that she caught a cold like what, three days ago? Doesn't mean anything."

The guilt still remains but, it's significantly less than it was moments ago. You'll never understand how he does that.

"Now come on, I made this kick ass pasta, and I know you're really hungry right now," he says with a smile. "Grab one of your favourite bottles. I think we've earned it."

San was right. His pasta is delicious. Which shouldn't surprise you, but when you take your first forkful, you're still left stunned. You don't remember the last time you drank something that wasn't water, coffee, or an energy drink, so the wine is a welcome change of pace. The liquid warming your blood and your face and helping you feel more relaxed than you have in ages.

San being the main reason you feel so at ease. It really has been longer than you care to think about since the two of you have had the time to just be with one another. No looming thoughts of work or cleaning or nap times. Just the two of you basking in one another's presence.

"I think I'm going to take a bath before bed," you say once the two of you start clearing your plates and glasses, the wine still lingering pleasantly in your system, "Do you want to join me?"

The look he gives you sends lightning down your spine, straight to the apex of your thighs, "Is this your way of coming onto me?" He even has the nerve to shoot you a lopsided grin over one of his stupidly broad shoulders.

"I'm not not coming onto you but, I was just offering, if you want to."

He laughs at that, "Fair enough. I think I'm going to finish cleaning up here. Feel free to go on ahead, you've more than earned it."

"I can help you, if you'd like."

San waves you off, "I've got this. Now shoo. Go soak to your heart's content with all of your fancy soaps and fragrances."

You hesitate momentarily but, San shoots you a look that leaves little room for argument. With that you, you trudge your way down the hall towards your bedroom. However, you pass your daughter's room on the way there and are unable to push down that suddenly visceral urge to see her. So, ever so slightly and as quietly as humanly possible, you take a peak.

San was right, she's out like a light. Her soft inhales and exhales and little snores filling the space of her bedroom while she clutches onto her favourite blanket. You can hear the nasally quality to her breathing, and that makes you frown, but she's resting now, and that's all you can really ask for at the moment. Just as silently, you shut her door once more. The lightness that comes with just seeing her washing over you.

With that, you continue on your way to your bedroom, smiling at your neatly made bed before stripping out of your 'work clothes.' Which feels absurd to say since your typical work attire consisted of a hoodie and sweats but, you did have an array of more official attire specifically for meetings with Hongjoong, new releases and book signings. A quiet laugh leaves you when you remember that San confessed he thinks you look hot in them once. If you didn't feel little better than a log right now, you'd fuck him while wearing them again.

Shaking those memories from your mind, you drop your clothes into the laundry hamper. You yawn a little as you walk towards the bathroom. Honestly, a warm bath before crawling into your sheets and coiling yourself around San sounds like a dream right now. Despite his dramatics, you opt for a much simpler vanilla scented bath bomb to dissolve into your water this time around. Your eyes fluttering shut, and a moan echoing throughout the bathroom when you sink into the water. The warm temperature practically making you melt as you sink lower and lower.

You might just fall asleep right here.

However, the grime of your day is still on your skin, so you grab your washcloth and begin scrubbing it away. Humming a tone you're not quite sure where you heard as you go. You're too engrossed, and your mind is a little too hazy to notice San slip into the bathroom. He simply watches you for a few moments. Taking in the way the droplets of water run down your shoulders and your melodic voice caresses his ears.

"Need any help with that?"

Embarrassment causes your face to prickle with warmth when the water around you splashes at your startled jump. San at least has the decency to stifle his laughter as he walks over to you. Look far too amused for your liking.

"Jesus San, you scared me. Give a woman a warning," you say, melting into his touch when his strong hands ease themselves onto your shoulders.

"I'm sorry, baby," he doesn't sound all that sorry, and the laughter in his voice is yet to dissipate. Any complaints you have die on your tongue when he begins to knead the stiff muscles of your shoulder. Your eyes fluttering shut and soft moans of appreciation filling the bathroom as he works every knot and ache he can get his hands on.

Stupid hot man with his pretty hands that know how to turn you into a puddle.

"I already washed up earlier but, I thought you'd appreciate a massage," he mutters quietly, drinking in the way you dissolve under his hands. All your brain can manage is a hum in appreciation and acknowledgement of his words. He smiles at that at least he knows he's doing a good job.

You're not sure how much time passes before you're blinking your eyes awake. Your fingers have turned pruney, and your upper back feels tender and looser than it has in months. It's past time to get out of the bath, you think.

"Sannie, I think I'm ready to get out now. Thank you for the massage," you mutter, grabbing his hand and kissing his palm before draining the bathtub and stepping out.

"You're welcome," San responds a little dazed and, acting as though he hasn't seen you in the nude thousands of times at this point. It does wonders for your self-esteem, however.

You suppress a laugh as you wrap your towel around your body, and the trance he was in comes to an end.

"Let's go to bed."

You opt for one of San's older, majorly oversized shirts as your choice of sleepwear for the night. It brings you back to the earlier months of your relationship when he first shyly said you could keep it. He still wore it on occasion, so his scent still lingers on it just the way you love.

For all your teasing at his expense in the bathroom, you find yourself with your tongue tied when your eyes land on his bare torso. His bottom half is not much better since he's wearing boxers that cling to his thighs in a way that causes you to swallow. Hard.

If this is his way of attempting to seduce you, it's working. Maybe a little too well.

Magically, your legs remember how to work, and you manage to walk to your bed without tripping over yourself. If San notices your odd behaviour, he doesn't say much, choosing instead wrap you up in his arms as soon as you're within reach.

Your skin burns everywhere he touches. His fingers drawing nonsensical patterns over your thigh that he's strawn over himself. Your arm naturally drapping over his broad chest. You're surrounded by him and, suddenly you wonder why sleep was on your mind in the slightest.

"It was nice getting to spend some one on one time with you," he says, his eyes swallowing you whole when he sets them on you. You'll never understand how he manages to lace the most mundane comments with so much intensity.

"Mmm, I've missed it too," you confess, and it's true. Between the chaotic nature of both of your jobs and a child to raise, you two rarely have nights such as tonight for yourselves. Perhaps it's fondness or a simple want to that drives you to press a delicate kiss to his jaw.

Your insides twist themselves into knots when San's eyes turn heavy, he searches your face for something before speaking, "Are you tired?"

His intent couldn't be more clear if he literally spelled it out for you.

"No."

His hand drifts from your thigh to cup your face. His thumb dragging itself along your bottom lip and the temptation to take it into your mouth is visceral. However, you choose to see what he does instead with baited breath. His eyes follow the trail of his thumb as though it's the most significant sight in the world. You may just lose your mind if he doesn't just kiss you.

Fortunately for you, San doesn't keep you waiting for long. He kisses you slowly, a far cry from the months of hurried, frenzied kisses before either of you have to start your day or your daughter wakes up from one of her naps. Hands snaking between thighs to make sure you're wet and he's hard enough because quickies are the majority of what you've had the time and energy for.

Tonight, however, San kisses you as though you two have all of the time in the world. His thumb tracing your jaw as his tongue licks its way into your mouth. He even has the audacity to laugh when you whimper into him because of the intrusion. His laughter doesn't last, however, a strangled groan leaving him when you lightly nip his bottom lip.

A startled gasp flies from you when he rolls you on your back. His eyes are lidded and dark with barely restrained want as he looks down at you. This time, the way he kisses you is decidedly less tender. He doesn't hesitate to practically shove his tongue down your throat.

His muscular arms cage you in and, it's difficult to tell who moans louder when his half hard cock presses against your bare pussy. "You're not wearing anything?" He mutters against your jaw, sloppily kissing any skin he can as he slowly grinds against you. It's not easy to find your words with how all encompassing he is. Your nails biting into his shoulders. God, when did he get so jacked?

"No," you moan out finally when his teeth trace your pulse point and he brushes your clit, "I'm not." Some kissing and grinding and, you can already feel yourself getting wet. It really has been longer than you care to think about.

"Oh, you wanted this then," he breathes, one of his hands dragging up your body. His hand cups one of your breasts over his shirt, his thumb dragging circles over your nipple that pokes through the fabric, and that prompts your hips to jolt up into him. A drawn out whimper of his name ringing out through your bedroom, "You could've just said so, baby. I'd happily fuck you."

Between his ministrations, words and the petname, your walls clench hard around nothing. "San," is all your brain can supply at the moment. Your back arching when he playfully pinches your nipple between his fingers.

"Poor baby," he coos into your throat between licks and kisses, "Already so worked up. Don't worry, I'll take care of you." You don't have the presence of mind to bite back a whine when he separates himself from you. The amused smirk that spreads on his face twists the knife of arousal deeply embedded in your gut. He doesn't stay away from you for long. His hands impatiently tugging your sleeping shirt over your head and, tossing it somewhere on your bedroom floor.

You rarely feel shy with San. You've never had a reason to but, sometimes, when his face softens and he looks at you like he can't quite believe you're real and naked in front of him like he is now, the urge to cover your face does crop up.

"You're so beautiful," he whispers so quietly that you almost think he didn't mean to verbalise that particular thought. His kisses along your collarbone are featherlight, barely there as he trails his way down to your breasts. Your fingers weave themselves in his hair, and your breathing grows increasingly laboured when he kisses the tops of them. His eyes find yours through the locks of his hair when he licks at your nipple slowly.

Yours nearly flutter shut. Your body instinctively pressing into him to feel more. To feel as much as you possibly can. You tug on his hair harsher than you intend to when he finally envelopes it in his warm, wet mouth. His appreciative groan going straight to your clit. No matter how many times you've been with each other, San is ever the starved man. He sucks and licks and fondled as though he might die if he doesn't have as much of you as he can. For your part, all you can do is squirm and writhe, ever tug adding to the slick smearing your inner thighs.

He leaves your breast with a pop that is louder than strictly necessary. His eyes almost appear black when the search for yours again. The glazed quality to them makes you want to rub your thighs together but, he's firmly slotted between them. He holds your gaze as he kisses down your torso. Your breath hitching when he kisses just above your swollen clit.

"You smell so good," he moans and, you finally noticing him rutting against the mattress. God, if you weren't already beyond worked up. That thought is swiftly knocked out of your when when he does take his first lick of you. It's slow and drawn out. Starting from your dribbling entrance and ending at your clit. You never stood a chance.

Something broken and animalistic bubbles out of San's chest then. His hold on your thighs firm. Keeping you exactly where and how he wants you so you can't squirm away from him. A pitchy keen echoes throughout your bedroom when he fully wraps his lips around your clit. Years of experience making him an expert at pushing you to the the edge of your sanity in a matter of mintures. You're not quite sure what to do with your hands. They're restless. Not sure whether you want to claw at the sheets or play with your breasts but, you eventually settle on familiar territory. Electing to wind them in his dark locks once again.

They tug especially hard when his fingers toy with your weeping entrance. Collecting your arousal in his fingertips and swallowly thrusting into you. You both know that's not nearly enough for you and you whine brokenly, tugging on his hair harder. Prompting a moan from him and the vibrations sending shudders from the top of your spine to your extremities.

"San please," you finally cry out, bucking your hips into his face, "Your fingers. Please, please-"

You nearly choke on your spit when he complies. Pushing two fingers into gradually until he's knuckles deep inside of you. You're beyond wet so the stretch is minimal, but there's still enough of one to prompt some whimpers from you. He distracts with that stupidly skillful mouth of his. Drawing patterns on your clit with his tongue he knows will render you devoid of thought.

Your body jerks harshly when he moves his fingers. The first curls of them inside of you are so, so good. However, when San finds the part of your walls that makes it feel as though your vision goes white for a second, that's when it's truly all over for you. He's ruthless. Rubbing against over and over and over again as his mouth does not relent in the slightest on your poor clit. Licking and sucking with one clear-cut goal in mind. If you somehow had the strength to keep your eyes open, you'd notice his eyes watching you intently. Drinking in every pinch of your brows and the way your pretty mouth is stuck in a permanent O. The ache in his jaw is nothing compared to any of that.

San is rewarded for his unrelenting consistently when your grip in his hair grows even harsher, to the point where it starts to sting but, he couldn't care less because you're cumming on his face and around his fingers. One of his hands shoots up to, unfortunately, cover your mouth because you were getting loud. He doesn't want to risk waking up your daughter, but he continues to lap at you and finger you through your release, albeit less intensely.

"San," you whine weakly against his hand when your consciousness trickles back into your body. Lightly tugging his face away from him. He whines but, otherwise doesn't put up much of a fight. Removing his hand from your mouth, he gradually removing his fingers from your walls and parting from your pussy with one final kiss.

Sometimes, in the private parts of your mind, you wonder if he'd ever let you take a picture of him like this. Eyes completely glassy with your wetness smeared across his nose, lips and chin, and a pretty flush colouring his tan skin. Without much of a second thought, you tug him towards you. The taste of yourself on his lips is a little salty, but it's not unpleasant. Maybe it's a little narcissistic to admit, but it kind of adds fuel to the fire in your core. San kisses you back fiercely as though his jaw hadn't been working for who knows how long. His erection is scorching and heavy against your thigh as he grinds against you shallowly.

Considering how distracted he is, it's easy to roll him onto his back. He blinks up at you in surprise and he just looks so cute you have to kiss him. So you do. Pressing kisses along his jaw as your fingernails drag along his muscular torso. You really don't know when he got this muscular or, how he even had the time to but, you're not complaining.

"You're so beautiful, Sannie," you whisper in his ear. Biting back a giggle when he flushes a deeper shade of pink and squirms underneath you, "Thank you," he mutters, but it's barely loud enough for you to hear. You manage somehow anyway.

The muscles in his abdomen jump when your fingers ghost over them. Now it's your turn to toy with him. Snapping the waistband of his boxers and delighting in the way it makes him grow more and more restless.

"Please touch me," he begs, and when he looks at you with his pretty, brown eyes and the pout he knows you're a weakling against, how could you ever say no?

You shuffle lower and drag his boxers off of him, he lifts his hips to help you along the way and his cock smacks against toned abdomen. Your walls instinctively clench hard at the sight of his cock, glistening with pre-cum that's streaked his stomach, before you even unceremoniously dispose of his boxers.

You straddle him. Leaning down to press a kiss to his lips again which he readily accepts, his hands gripping your hips hard enough that you wouldn't be surprised if his fingerprints were burned into your skin. The moan he let's out against your lips when your wet slit glides along his cock worsens the emptiness you feel but, it's always so enjoyable watching him lose his composure. Your nails dig into his shoulders with ever brush and bump against your clit, your hips picking their pace as you chase your own pleasure.

"Fuck," he groans out gutturally, "Stop teasing please."

"Well, what do you want, baby?" You ask with a faux confused tilt of your head, dragging your teeth along his neck as you continue to cover him in your arousal. You know you're probably going to pay for this later but, you'll have your fun for now.

"Fuck me, please" Well, when he asks so cutely, how could you ever deny him?

You pull away from him and grip him in your hand. He's even hotter in your palm, and his weight makes saliva pool in your mouth, but that can wait for another time. He's already more than slick enough for you so you decide to end both of your respective miseries and slowly sink down onto him.

It's been a week, maybe, since the last time you felt him inside of you, so the stretch this time does take you some adjusting. He's so thick, and even after so long, sometimes you need to take a second. San is patient as ever, even though his cock twitches with ever centimetre you manage to sink down on. That and the way his hold on your grows more desperate are the only indicators of his restraint, but he watches your face and body like a hawk. Making sure it's not too much for you.

You unintentionally claw at his abs when your ass final comes to rest on his firm thighs. Honestly, your body is still reeling from your orgasm and your thighs feel closer to jello, but you want to ride him for as long as you can. You crack your eyes open when the overwhelming sensation of him being sheathed inside of you mostly subsides, and the sight San creates reminds you why you wanted to do this in this first place.

His eyes already look so fucked out, he's barely keeping them open. However, they're open nonetheless, and his gaze is laser focused between your thighs. Utterly enraptured with watching himself completely inside of you. And his face contorts beautifully when you rise up before slowly sinking back down onto him.

His hands drift from your hips to hold onto your thighs when you find your rhythm. You can already feel the fatigue beginning to settle into your thighs with every bounce on his cock but, watching the way his brows pinch in pleasure and his moans caress your ears is enough to motivate you to keep going.

His can't seem to decide where to focus. They alternate between watching your face and the mirade of expressions that flit across it, watching the way your breasts bounce in time with your rhythm on him and watching the way his cock splits you open over and over again. Glistening with your wetness that trickles down him onto the sheets beneath the two of you.

Despite the tiredness creeping up on you, San feels good. Great, even, like he always does. One of the best parts of riding him is that you've mastered angling yourself just right that every brush of his cock sends your nerves alight. You thought maybe it would be too soon but, one of your hands leaves his abs to rub frantic circles into your clit. It's so difficult to focus on maintaining the pace you set, but you try. Despite your mind being hazy and desperate for the chance to cum again. Cum around him this time.

San doesn't complain in the slightest. In fact, based on the whines that hit your eardrums, the way his hands help you continue bouncing on him as best as you can and his cock twitches incessantly, he's happy to watch you and let you use him to cum again.

"Are you going to cum again for me, baby?" He breathes, focusing his attention fully on the apex of your thighs this time around. Shallowly thrusting up into you and taking in the way your fingers frantically rub your clit to bring yourself over the edge. He steadies himself when all you can respond with are nods and whimpers. Your eyes shut tightly as you focus on nothing but, your release.

"You're so fucking hot," he groans, "Using me to get yourself off. Please cum for me, baby. I want to watch you."

His words slam into you like a runaway train, and so does your oragsm. You couldn't maintain your pace on him even if you tried. Your thighs shake violently around him and the shudders spread throughout your entire body, your extremities curling into themselves. You try your best not to dig your nails into his skin too harshly but, your mind isn't all that there with you right now. Your walls clamping down like a vice around him so tightly that he can't thrust into you all that much.

Typically, San would happily let you ride out your climax. Waiting patiently, well as patiently as he can manage, for you to gather some semblance of your bearings. However, a man can only handle so much. He's just as worn thin by your lack of intimacy as you are. He knows it's no one's fault, the responsibilities of being adults and parents have just taken priority but, it hasn't been easy for him either. Feeling and drinking in the sight of you cumming for him drives him to roll you onto your back. Your hazy eyes blink up at him as you attempt to piece together what's happening.

"Do you need a minute?" He asks, well, more like pants, into your ear. He's still slotted firmly inside of and his body practically shakes with how much he's holding himself back from pumping you full of his cum right now. Your higher order functions gradually come back to you, and you wrap your arms around him, pulling him closer to you before responding, "Hm, no. I'm okay."

That's seemingly all San needs because he hooks your legs over his elbows and starts to move. Given how long he's been holding out for, it's no surprise that his thrusts are merciless from the offset. The obscene sounds of skin slapping against skin and his heavy balls smacking your ass and, your intertwined moans ring out through your bedroom once again.

He looks so gorgeous with the way his hair sticks to his sweat forehead and his face is blissed out beyond belief. The slight burn in your thighs from the way he has you folded is worth it both because of how much he's enjoying himself and how deeply it pushes him. You doubt you can cum again so soon but, your weakly spasming walls still milk him for everything he's worth.

Based on the way his breathing increases and his grip on you is well beyond bruising coupled with his increasing moans and his precise thrusts morph into sloppy ones, he's close. The thought forces a whimper from you and your pussy clenches around him harder, "Are you going to cum for me, Sannie?" You moan directly into his ear. Your hands caressing his firm pecs and admiring them momentarily before circling his nipples. If your pussy wasn't being abused by him you'd giggle at the way he jolts, his hips jerking into you with every brush. A keen greeting your ears when you tug on them a little harder.

"I- I'm-" his words, or lack thereof, come out in a jumbled, throaty mess.

"Please? I want it so badly, baby," which isn't untrue, but you know the effect these words have on you like no other, "You're going to cum inside me, right?"

In the mess of words that you're able to register you can make out some mixture of your name, 'fuck', 'please' and 'yes' but, everything else is swallowed by his noises of pleasure as his cock throbs inside of you and ropes of his cum paint your waiting walls white. You don't think you'll ever tire of that feeling. Him pressed so close to and his lips brushing against your skin with every desperate noise that leaves his mouth while he rides out his release.

"San," you wheeze out, "San, baby, as much as I love you my thighs hurt."

"Oh shit, I'm so sorry," he says, unhooking your legs from his arms, and your muscles feel significantly less strained. You know the two of you need to start cleaning up, his cum is already starting to trickle out of you, and you definitely need to pee at some point, but you're far too comfortable and relaxed to find the desire to move a millimetre right now.

"I missed this," he mutters into your shoulder, pressing sporadic kisses to whatever skin he has access to.

"I missed this too," you whisper in response, if you speak any louder part of you is worried this'll be ruined. You pull him a little tighter to you, toying with the ends of his hair.

"If I'm being honest, I'm glad you're finished with your book for many reasons," you can hear the mischievous grin in his voice clear as day, "one of them being that I can now properly fuck my wife."

"You're so ridiculous," you laugh, but you don't disagree with his sentiment.

Reblogs are greatly appreciated.

Do not repost, edit, copy and/or translate my work. I do not give you my permission to do so, nor will you ever receive it.

[lucy90712]

Road to recovery- part 8

Masterlist

Part of me was hoping that the hate would slow down a bit but of course it didn't. Every time I checked any form of social media all I saw was people posting about how much they didn't like me and assuming that I'm only friends with Pablo to gain something. I thought I'd be able to handle the comments but I just can't there has been so many more than I thought there would be and people have said such hurtful things about my appearance and my character. Pablo keeps apologising and asking if I'm ok and I just keep telling him I'm fine which is a bit of a lie but I can tell he already feels bad enough I don't want to make him feel worse by telling him how I really feel. The worst part about it is that everyone seems to be drawing attention to the things I was already insecure about which hasn't helped my mental state at all.

Today though I have a chance to cheer myself up a bit as I have a big check up with my doctor to see how my recovery is progressing. I think it's going pretty good so hopefully he agrees and says something positive as that would really lift my spirits. I've been nervous about the appointment today as well which has really made the last few days even more challenging on my mental health but I'm trying to stay positive as I know wallowing in sadness and anxiety won't do me any good. 

Alonso came to pick me up a bit before my appointment; when I got in the car I expected him to tease me about everything that happened with the game this weekend but he didn't instead he asked if I was ok. I was going to lie to him too but because he's my brother he knows exactly when I'm lying so I had to tell him the truth. It was kind of nice to get all of my feelings off my chest and Alonso was really supportive and gave me some good advice. He's been through things like this before with getting hate for his performances out on track so he told me to just delete the apps off my phone for a bit that way I'm not tempted to look at what people are saying. In fact he stole my phone and did it for me as I think he knew I probably wouldn't do it myself. 

Once I had my phone back I went into the hospital on my own leaving Alonso to wait in the car for me. The wait for my appointment wasn't long at all and then I went in and was immediately taken for some new scans to see how everything was healing. After scans I was subjected to a load of tests on my range of movement, how much weight I could put on my leg and how much pain I was in. The testing was rigorous and honestly quite exhausting as it's been a long time since I've done this much movement with my knee but for the most part it felt good. After I had done everything the doctor left for a while to review it all and look at my scans which left me just staring at the wall hoping to hear good news. Just as I was daydreaming the door opened again and the doctor came back in, his expression was impossible to read which for some reason filled me with a few more nerves.

"Ok Lola things aren't progressing as we would like them too internally you aren't healing as quick as we thought you would and your movement isn't at the range we would expect it to be" he said 

"What does that mean?" I asked holding back tears 

"For now it doesn't mean too much this can happen as we can't always accurately predict how quickly people will recover but we will set another one of these appointments in a few weeks and if we aren't seeing improvement you may need a second surgery so that we can see what's going on" the doctor explained 

"Ok" was all I could manage to say 

"I know this isn't what you wanted to hear but don't let it discourage you if you keep working hard you won't need the surgery" he said 

We scheduled my next appointment and that was as long as I could hold it together. All of my emotions that I'd been holding onto for the last few days came out all at once, as soon as I left the hospital doors I burst into tears and I couldn't do anything to stop them. I made my way back to where Alonso parked but before I could get into the car Alonso had got out and wrapped me in his arms. He tried to get me to stop crying and tell him what was wrong but I just couldn't he tried everything to help me all of which had worked before but today nothing could stop me. Eventually he gave up and let me get in the car so we could go home because right now all I want is to just go home and get to grips with my emotions as I clearly have a lot to process. 

As much as my eyes were filled with tears I could tell that Alonso didn't take the turn to take me back to my place which meant he was going to take me somewhere in hopes of cheering me up. I really didn't want to go wherever it was he was planning to go but I was sobbing too much to tell him to take me home. We went a bit further before the car stopped and I looked round a bit as at first I didn't recognise where we were but then I saw Pablo's house and realised we were just down the street. I should've known Alonso was going to bring me here but this is the last place I want to be I don't want Pablo to see me like this. I knew we said we would help each other out but I know for a fact Pablo is doing better and I know he's in a better place mentally and I don't want to ruin that by projecting my problems onto him that wouldn't be fair. 

Alonso had to practically drag me out of the car and down the road which was rather easy for him as I'm not strong enough to put up too much of a fight. We walked down the street to Pablo's house where Alonso left me to ring the doorbell, part of me was hoping that he wouldn't be in even though he said he had no plans today. Of course after just a few seconds the door opened and I locked eyes with Pablo who straight away rushed over as quick as he could and wrapped me up in his arms. I wanted to stop crying but for some reason I only cried more once I was in Pablo's arms it was like he made me feel safe enough to truly let all of my feelings out. Pablo said a few words to my brother before taking me inside and allowing him to leave. 

Pablo took me to the sofa and allowed me to settle into his embrace with my head buried in his chest so he couldn't see my tear stained and probably red and puffy face. His hand was gently stroking my back trying to calm me down while he whispered comforting words in my ears. It wasn't anything special what he was doing but hearing his words and feeling his hands on me did wonders in helping calm my emotions which I didn't have any control over. As my tears began to slow down Pablo kept rubbing my back and he even wiped some of the tears from my face that he could reach as I was still hiding most of my face. I never would've thought he would be so good at comforting me I mean he's always so hyper and full of energy I never imagined that he'd be any good at keeping calm and radiating that onto others but clearly he is. Once I had completely stopped crying and my breathing was getting back to normal Pablo put a hand under my chin and got me to look at him.

"Can you tell me what's wrong I hate seeing you so upset and I want to help" he said 

"The doctor said my knee isn't healing properly and I might need another surgery if things don't get better" I said still sniffling slightly 

"I'm sorry that sounds awful but that's not the only thing on your mind is it" he probed further 

"No that's it" I lied 

"Don't lie to me please just tell me what's wrong I'll do whatever I can to help and I won't judge you you know that" he said 

Damn why doesn't he have to be able to read me like a book.

"Ok I've been getting a lot of hate since we were seen together at the game and it's been getting to me a bit I thought I could handle it as I'm used to criticism but I can't some people are just so mean" I admitted letting a few more tears fall 

"I knew it was getting to you people on social media are assholes because they don't feel the consequences of what they say but none of what they say is true" he said 

"But they keep talking about how I must be using you or how I don't deserve to even be friends with you which that part is kind of true" I rambled 

"No it's not true I can't even imagine what my life would be like without you I love spending time with you just because you aren't famous doesn't mean you don't deserve to be friends with me and despite what they say I know you aren't using me I know you would never do that" he said 

"And before you say anything all of the things they say about your appearance aren't true either you are beautiful inside and out and they are just jealous" he added 

Hearing him say that put a smile on my face. Pablo has never really complimented me before he's told me my outfit was cool a few times but he's never called me beautiful so hearing it made me feel a lot better about myself. He must've noticed that I was finally smiling again as he told me I looked pretty when I smiled which only made my cheeks heat up but luckily my face was already red from crying so Pablo probably wouldn't have noticed. Although I kind of wish he knew how he made me feel because as time goes on it's getting harder and harder to hide my true feelings from him. 

Pablo's POV

The pain in her eyes just shattered my heart. She's been my rock throughout every step of the way so far so to see her breakdown right in front of me really hurt. This whole time she's been the strong one never letting anything get to her but finally it's caught up with her and part of it's my fault because we got seen together at the game and now people are tearing her apart and one person can only handle so much. I feel so awful that I'm part of the reason she's so upset but knowing that I can be there for her and calm her down makes me feel a bit better. When she arrived she was hysterical and her brother told me he couldn't get a word out of her so he wanted me to try so that's what I did. I'm not very good at keeping myself calm at times let alone other people but I tried my best and after a while of just rubbing her back and whispering to her she calmed down. It felt good to be the one to help her because she's done so much for me that anything I can do to even remotely repay that I'll do in a heartbeat.

Hearing the way she criticised herself as well it pained me. She's the most beautiful and kind person I've ever met so to hear her say that she thought she didn't deserve to be friends with me hurt but what hurt more was to see that those horrible people got to her and made her feel insecure in herself. Throughout the time we've known each other I've always wanted to tell her just how beautiful she is but I've refrained as I know once I open the flood gates there's no going back. Once I start complimenting her I'm scared that I'll let my feelings show but today she needed it so I knew I had to take the risk. Seeing the smile that my compliments gave her made the risk feel worth it though as I'd do anything to keep her smiling 24/7.

Looking into her eyes as she smiled and blushed at my words made me feel some type of way. I've felt something for her since we first met and I've kept those feelings repressed until now but I don't know if I can do it any longer. She's just the most perfect girl I've ever met and I don't want to lose her whether that be to another guy or to the fear of what us being friends might mean for her. I have to tell her how I feel in hopes that as long as she feels the same way it gives her a reason to stick around even when things are tough like they are right now. As scary as it is I have to take the risk. 

[i-hug-exploder-shanks]

ficlet request: drifter telling a bar story from when he ran the end of the world bar at the bottom of felwinter peak - include as much gratuitous felwinter as you like - bonus points if he's telling the story to eris <3

This one got a little away from me. I rewrote it three times and just couldn't figure out what I wanted to do for it. I hope you enjoy anyway!

Sliding a filled glass down the counter Drifter leaned forward with a grin, surprised but not upset to see Eris had dropped by the Ether Tank. It was late and very few others were there at that hour but Saint-14 was sitting in a booth in a corner with his Warlock curled against him. Osiris looked like he had already had three drinks too many but Drifter wasn't about to tell him how to live his life.

He wasn't surprised given the date, he had been thinking of getting a little sloshed himself.

"Everyone has been rather morose today. Usually that's my job." Eris hummed making him laugh.

"Reading my mind? Its a good day to be sad on sunshine. It was years ago today that the Iron Lords failed their raid for SIVA." He hummed and she sipped the drink he had given her.

"I know the tale from Shaxx but had not known them myself. They were your friends?" She asked and he snorted.

"As much as you could be friends with someone like Lord Felwinter I suppose. He helped me take care of a few... Issues. I helped run the bar at the foot of his mountain and keep the Lords up top in touch with the lowly vassals below." He admitted starting to clean a class just to have something to do with his hands as he spoke.

"That's how I met the great phoenix Osiris too. Although he was less of a phoenix and more of a time bomb back then. Lit the place on fire quite a few times." He admitted.

"It happened twice! Twice! And the second time was your own fault!" Osiris cut in glaring at him and Drifter grinned.

"You're tempting a third tonight birdy. No Felwinter here to put out the flames either." He said and Osiris made to stand but Saint stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

"We do not need a fight. I am here and can stop any flame that would spark up but Osiris is no longer a student either. He is much better versed in his light." He said and Drifter shrugged.

"If you say so. I have to admit the first time was a bit of a shock. I had heard of his visions but didn't realize how violent they were." He admitted and Osiris sighed rubbing his face tiredly before looking at Eris.

"I used to go into such deep traces that I lost control of my body and light. It's why I was seeking help from the Iron Lords in the first place. It's one thing to randomly combust out in the desert and another to do so in a dense wood or worse an occupied home. I knew I needed to master my abilities or they'd hurt more than just myself. Felwinter was a diligent teacher and a dear friend." He said seriously.

"He means that in the same way he and Saint are dear friends nowadays. The first time he lit the bar on fire might have been an accident because of a vision but the second time was because he drank half my store and started going on about wanting Lord Felwinter to step on him." Drifter laughed and Osiris groaned hiding his face in Saint's chest.

Eris hid her own smirk in her drink. "You had a thing for your teacher?" She asked honestly intrigued by the interplay. She also noted that Saint didn't seem surprised or bothered by the knowledge at all.

"You have not met Lord Felwinter. He was very charming. I had tea with him once when on his Peak bringing a request from my father. I think the reason so many people were so mad at him all the time was because of how tight his pants were and how he showed no interest in being helped out of them at all." Saint said shaking his head as Osiris actually laughed.

"That's not true. He just didn't feel urges for it like you or I. Warlord Shaxx certainly earned his interest and I certainly had to wash enough laundry while there to know he had to been doing something." Osiris said abd Eris tilted her head slightly.

"I thought that something would have been you? Didn't you admit to wanting him to step on you?" She asked looking back to Drifter who was smirking.

"There were huge pots around on which Iron Lords were with who. I was running them or I would have put my money in on Osiris and Felwinter being a set until Shaxx was dragged along. Then I wasn't so sure. But the way he reacted to Osiris' incident sealed the deal for me that they were something." He admitted.

Osiris looked at his empty glass and sighed. "Felwinter and I were partners at the time, yes but it wasn't exclusive. We both saw other people as well. However it was nice to have someone I could trust. I... I believed at the time he trusted me as well." He said and Saint pulled him against his side more tightly in a slight hug.

"He lied to everyone about Rasputin and it was clear he did so for your safety. I am certain he feared that telling you would bring you harm. I can not say I would do differently if I had been in his position. Having the Warmind as a father... Ha! Explains why he hit like a warsat! He was strong for a warlock. You are all so small with such little arms! You usually need your magics to get the better of a Titan but I saw him once punch Saladin's head right off! I think he was taking lessons from Shaxx." Saint laughed.

Eris finished her own drink and looked at Osiris finally deciding to be brave and ask her own question.

"Did you... See it?" She asked. The hive had their own forms of peering into the future and she trusted the divination she performed through it.

"Site 6? Yes. Many times. But not in enough detail to be certain. Still... I had my doubts. I confronted him about it and we argued. I told him even if I was wrong, if he left I would not be waiting for him when he returned. I understood the draw of SIVA but it just sounded too good to be true. Saint had offered me accommodations here in the city so I took him up on the offer. I only returned to the temple once to help Saladin lock everything up. I regret that the last of our time together was an argument but I don't regret my choice. Especially knowing that he knew about Rasputin." He admitted before they all sat in silence for a moment.

"You should take a bottle up to Shaxx for me when you head back to the tower. I would but.. well... The big guy kinda scares me." Drifter said holding out a bottle as Saint helped Osiris from their booth, the warlock wobbling a little.

"Shaxx is harmless as a kitten... If the kitten was a mountain lion kitten that could spit fire from it's mouth." Saint said cheerfully.

"We will do that. Good night Drifter. Good night Eris." Osiris said accepting the bottle and walking out arm and arm with his partner.

Eris finally turned back to Drifter and leaned her head on her palm. "Any other fun stories about the Iron Lords?" She asked and he grinned.

"For you sister? I have histories." He agreed and poured her another drink.

[angelsanarchy]

Alkaline: Euronymous x Y/N Series CH 22

Tagging: @ophelialaufey@madamemaximoff06@forever-not-gonna-sink@ajmiila02@liquidsmoothdomme@shady-the-simp @auggiethecreator @tempt-ress @blacksoul-27

Oystein was having a slow day. He was exhausted and annoyed but the moment the bell on the door sounded, he was ready to send Varg's groupies out of the door.

"If you're looking for Varg he's not-" Oystein looked up from the magazine he was reading and there she was. Y/n stood sheepishly, hands in her pockets and a nervous smile on her lips.

"Oh..hey...hey how- how are you?" Oystein stuttered as she approached the counter.

"I'm alright. I wanted to come by and thank you for the flowers...and food. It was really sweet and you didn't have to-

"Y/n...come on." Oystein shook his head letting her know that even if she despised him, he would have sent something.

"Your parents actually came by a few times. Your mom said you wanted to come by but you didn't want to upset me..." Oystein watch her fidget with her hands and could tell she was uncomfortable.

"Come to my office, we can talk for a minute." He extended his arm towards the door but she hesitated.

"Trust me, it's okay." Oystein added. She walked into his office and noticed the picture was gone and nowhere to be seen. She felt a small sense of ease as she sat in the chair in front of his desk and he pulled his chair to sit opposite her.

"Can you give this to your parents for me? It's a thank you from my family and I don't want to forget to give it to you." She handed the card to him and he took it.

"Yeah I'll get it to them." He nodded.

"I see you shaved your mustache." She gestures to his face and he smiles.

"Yeah well, I got some less than stellar reviews on it so I figured it had to go." Oystein gave a smile smirk and she nodded her head.

"Hey, I know this is super late and I don't deserve your consideration or forgiveness but I wanted you to know how insanely sorry I am for...everything. How I treat you, the things I did and said, how I was about Pelle...I didn't know about your brother but that's not an excuse for how I handled Pelle's death." Oystein spoke sincerely and Y/n could feel herself allowing his words to sink in.

"Honestly, you're probably the only person who knows what's going through my head right now. Finding Pelle like that...finding my brother...you feel gutted. Completely and utterly hollowed." Oystein carefully reached out and took her hand.

"Don't let that be what you hold of him. I've been fighting that in my fucked up brain since it happened. Remember your brother the way you loved him." Y/n nodded in agreeance.

"My aunt told me you called during Shiva." She sniffled and he rubbed his thumb under her eye to catch the tears.

"I wanted to be there for you so badly but I knew I had fucked things up so royally, I didn't want to make it worse. I didn't want you to feel like I was somehow rubbing it in or trying to cause you pain. I just...I want to fucking hug you so bad." Oystein explained. It hurt him to see her this hurt.

"I want that. I want to be able to feel safe and comforted in your arms but I can't ask you to be two people Oystein. I can't accept the way you portray yourself, I can't handle everything that comes with Euronymous." She explained sadly.

"You know who I am. I don't want to pretend losing Pelle didn't hurt anymore. I don't want to sit around and watch something that I created out of love turn into something that I hate. I've been pretending to be this shell of a human for so long trying to protect myself from my own pain that I forgot what it felt like to hear this music and truly connect. You were right, music doesn't have to be one thing. It can be universal." She smiled listening to Oystein talk. This was the guy she fell for. This is the one she missed terribly and wanted to spend every moment with. She never thought she would see him again but here her was.

"I can't believe you shaved it off. It truly was hideous though." She let got of his hand and ran her thumb over his upper lip.

"Yeah it didn't feel like me. This feels more my speed." He nodded knowing she was happy he had gotten rid of it.

"You also need to dye your roots." She ruffled his hair making him laugh out loud for what seemed like the first time in a long time.

"Well maybe you can come by my new place and help me with that." Oystein said it casually and Y/n bit her bottom lip.

"No bad behavior, just having a beer and dying my hair. Nothing crazy, I promise." Oystein held his hand up and she rolled her eyes.

"As if anything with you has ever been sane." She said checking her watch.

"I've got to get to work. Hammeed has been really cool about me being off so long, I don't want to be late." She stood up and Oystein walked her to the door.

"Oh hey I want you to have this." Oystein ran to his desk and tore a piece of paper off the notepad before writing his number on it.

"This is my number now. No roommates so if I don't answer, I'm probably here...you have the number here so..." She took it and looked at it as they walked out of the office.

"Oh look who it is. You know face fucking on company time reflects badly on the label. You should really stay focused on getting my record figured out." Varg said turning his nose up at Y/n.

"Are you friends with this guy now? I thought he was like stalking you guys?" Y/n asked not even bothering to speak to Varg.

"I'd watch my mouth if I were you. I follow no one. Clearly you need to catch up or fuck off." Varg stepped closer to Y/n and Oystein slid his body in front of her.

"Kristian, isn't it? You should really put something in place of your Scorpions patch. Your jacket looks a little naked." She laughed.

"It's Varg, Cunt."

"No one cares, Clown." Y/n didn't hesitate to fire back at Varg and Oystein was baffled at her bravery. He admired so many things about Y/n but one of his favorite things about her is that she didn't fear anything or anyone.

She put her hand on Oystein's back and squeezed his forearm with her other hand.

"I'll call you." She said sweetly. He gave her a nod and watched her walk towards the door.

"Oh good luck with the patch search, Larg!" She called out and before Varg could correct her, she shut the door in his face. He was fuming looking at Oystein before storming back down to join the others in the circle common area. Oystein couldn't help but feel like he got a little piece of himself back again.

[kermitmentality]

i’m so done honestly

i can feel that i am so close to getting bad again. i was weighed at the doctor yesterday and i think i’m at an all time high (altho i was wearing heavy clothing)

and i knew i gained some bc i told myself to not stress abt food and focus on exams but like. wow. i’m stressed now

today i monitored my eating more which is good. tomorrow morning i’ll work out.

but anyways i’ve been so tempted recently to hurt myse1f and i just feel like crying, i don’t want to talk to people some times, like more than normal. idk it’s been hard. i’m having weird and triggering dreams. i dislike how the school year will end and i’m embarrassed. i want to talk to someone about this but i can’t. i want my ed to spiral too but it won’t solve anything. i’m just done.