#i havent started on much and im already dreading it lmao

[shi-gut]

i may or may not have already started on something. my fridge is overstocked so it’s time to eat everything inside of it. eat what exactly? idk like the 14+ sketches i have in ibisPaint that’s taking up my phone storage lol. college semester is almost over which means my free will can return to me until the following year. didn’t know which one to start so i picked this thing. lines + flats thus far!

and now comes wave 1 torture: filling in the details 🫠 (it gets worse when I get to spend 20+ hours figuring out the background i had in mind)

[hellion-child]

building off mine and @usercelestial groomzilla tommy tags on this poll (go vote)

im not a writer but. ive been plagued w visions lmao it goes like this:

the engagement is announced. everyone is happy and celebrating. until someone says the words "wedding planning" and everyone but the happy couple freezes. chimney, hen, bobby, eddie, ravi, etc. their eyes widen as they make eye contact w each other bcos this can only mean one thing: the return of clipboard!buck 2: groomzilla edition. ravi audible gulps. hen casually slides a nearby clipboard into the bin idk. no one says anything but they are clearly v concerned. buck and tommy dont notice lmao

the looming threat of groomzilla buck haunts the rest of the shift. no one is saying anything to buck yet, but they are trying to plan a pre-emptive intervention in between calls and any free moment during calls (all hissing whispers across patients and dramatic expressions and gestures in the truck)

they have the next day off, chimney mentions checking in on tommy, the poor guy. a "hey tommy just checking in on how ur coping. hope bucks not driving u too crazy already" and he gets back an immediate "hes driving me insane" and a "we need everybody to be at our house 1400 sharp please. for the love of god DO NOT be late." and its all, Oh no its begun already. better go save tommy from his fiance lol

theyre entering the bucktommy house like its their execution only to be greeted by a buck whos all, "hey guys! 😄 hows it going 😄" and clearly on his way out, cool as a cucumber, happy as a clam, not a clipboard in sight. when asked (very suspiciously) whats going on, he just replies "😄 oh i gotta go get the right linen squares for the tablecloths 😄 i accidentally got the wrong ones for tommy! 🤪 brb!"

the sound of the door shutting behind buck is deafening. the silence is broken by tommys "ur all late." from the next room (its 1402) (no one points this out) together they make their way further into the house. there is so much dread and confusion. the tension breaks when tommy drops an over flowing folder labelled Wedding Planning on the table. "ur here now. we can get started" he says, "maybe one of u will be more helpful than evan"

"is what i think is happening, actually happening?" hen whispers. scattered around the room are folders brimming w tabs, and cut up magazines, and sticky notes, and— "what is that?" chimney asks. tommy turns towards the mostly full corkboard taking up an entire wall. "oh that? thats my vision board."

eddie: i had no idea that youd been planning this for so long, tommy

tommy, still in yesterdays clothes, surrounded by several empty coffee mugs: ?? i havent.

(cue horror sting)

[thefinalwitness]

ok a lot of ppl are doing it and im just so *BUZZES* about dt so i'm gonna do it too!!! i'm gonna talk about dt and ocs!!!! the readmore contains huge and detailed spoilers so please please do not read it if you havent finished the msq!!!!

also just to set the tone of this post: i LOVED dt SO MUCH so this is going to be an extremely positive post!!!! i loved literally everything about it so ig if u hated it maybe just skip this one lmao!!

IT WAS SOOOOOOOO MUCH FUN WTF!!!! i honestly expected (and dreaded) we'd be immediately foist back into Sole Hero Of The Universe Mode, and the fact we weren't has made me SO HAPPY i decided to stick with l'aiha for dt msq!!!! this expac was PERFECT for her, a chance to learn about a new culture and get away from her mantle!!!! it's everything i could've asked for and so much more!!!!

tural is BEAUTIFUL and so detailed, i loved the rites half of the expac and the way the plot twisted midway through was really fun to me!! i've seen ppl say the first and second half feel like different stories but i honestly disagree, i think zoraal ja and sphene are perfect opposites of wuk lamat and koana, and i think getting to see how coming into your own can be done right and wrong was really neat. i think they're two sides of the same coin, the coin being the story, and while i do wish we'd had more time to set up sphene's storyline, i think all the story beats themselves are great!

i LOVE the implications of the ending too!!!! we have this artifact now that has provably opened passageways to other reflections—something l'aiha has been deeply interested in and researching since shadowbringers!!!! if this is where the next 10 years are going, i am STOOOOOOOKED

i'm also so pleased with how l'aiha and j'sera (her sister, i renamed her bc dyslexia) have developed through this expac! i wanted them to grow closer now that they're both out of their comfort zones, and that's exactly what this story gave me. l'aiha becomes deeply attached to j'sera to the point of overprotectiveness throughout the rites—then, it's decided that l'aiha should stay in tuliyollal during the barrier stuff because there are 4 wols in her canon, and ONE should stay in the city. she therefore has to let sera go, and sera gets the chance to come into her own during the second half of the expac, rising to the challenge without anyone—her sister, her mentor, her parents—to protect her. when they reunite and face zoraal ja together, l'aiha gets to see how capable sera is and how much she's grown since they left sharlayan. l'aiha no longer feels compelled to coddle her, and sera no longer needs to cling to l'aiha! it's SOOOOOOOOO GOOD.

(i've also decided that, when zoraal ja orders the second attack on tuliyollal, the dragons aren't as close as they are in canon, and l'aiha uses azem's crystal to summon them to the battle. because it's cool hehe.)

sera herself got SOOOOOOO MUCH out of this expac!!!! i haven't fleshed out all of it yet, but i definitely think dt is where she and leviathan-egi start to really bridge the gap between them. leviathan-egi deeply respected its previous master, sera's mentor, and it's reacted extremely poorly to sera. it doesn't respect her as its master, treating her instead like a kitten to defend. but like l'aiha, leviathan-egi starts to realize sera has grown a lot in tural, and that it doesn't have to do all the work alone, that they can cooperate and become stronger for it.

i did NOT expect to end up shipping her and erenville, but as the story progressed i really really felt like they were a good fit! i've decided they became friends over the three years erenville was in sharlayan, so they're already familiar with each other, and aside from wuk lamat and krile, they're only REALLY familiar with each other, so they provide one another with much needed support during so much uncertainty and newness! it's sera that goes with erenville to shaaloani, and he tells her a lot about his mom during that time, so cahciua's loss hits her pretty hard too. (cahciua also DEFINITELY knows they like each other LMAO.)

i'm still getting my thoughts together for minfilia and valensia—the expac was just SO perfect for l'aiha and sera that i basically forgot to think about them VKFNKHCCHKVM. i want to though!!! i have ideas, and i think they'll both have their own strong places in dt—i think minfilia and sphene will be SO interesting, as well as valensia and koana!!

i'm just SO happy. i think dt is maybe my new first or second fav expac. i adored every second of it, it's like it was molded perfectly out of what i wanted for l'aiha and sera especially! ough. hough!!! i'm so happy.

[alucart]

actually fuck it lmao

got hired late september. started actual work in october. started off as a seasonal worker. every day i woke up for work i was dreaded it. it was so much work. i was fatigued everyday but i still had to give it my all or else i was "lazy". if i moved too slow i was considered rude to customers. if i dont smile im rude. if i take a minute to process something then "something is wrong with me." like. Okay. lmao.

obviously when applying for jobs i dont list the fact that im bipolar. hell, i probably have adhd. but beside the point, the fact i have to act a certain way just to keep a job thats barely paying me shit was so. annoying. the fact that while working seasonal i had to put up with so much shit was ridiculous. november and december was so awful. im still mad i had to wake up at like 4am to get to work at 5am and then the store wasnt even busy until 12am. and we had to wear red and make sure everything was perfect bc the ceo was coming to the store? LMAO?

after my seasonal hours were over i thought i was free. i wasnt working for like two weeks but i at least got to spend time with my family. clean. take care of myself. i actually got back to drawing, something i havent been able to do for months. and then they called me back for a full time position. of course i took it because i wasnt finding anything else but it mightve been the worst mistake like ever.

like i must preface, that i got the job for the seasonal position in the first place without an interview, and like, yes i knew that was fishy at the start but also, ive been looking for a job for over two years so i was desperate. somehow the full time position was even worse than the seasonal position. my manager felt more annoying.

not to mention at this point they were making me do shit that i was never hired to do. why am i organizing clothes? i take returns? why are you making me cover in the handbags department? i work in returns and help people with online orders? why are you making me pack online orders? I WORK IN RETURNS, HELP PEOPLE WITH ONLINE ORDERS AND I HAVE PROCESS RETURNS FOR ORDER PICKUPS THAT WERE NEVER PICKED UP?

honestly madness. i had many breakdowns. over not wanting to go back to work. one time i had a stomach virus and had to stay home from work and was so miserable and literally panicking because i thought i could lose my job from being sick. i had a coworker that they also hired full time and she got fired because she "took too many breaks" meanwhile there was another coworker that took way more too many breaks.

while working there i saw many people get fired. like i dont know. and it was constantly understaffed. one time my manager asked me if i could work for 50 hrs one week and i told her "i'll think about it" only to find that weekend she changed my schedule without asking. (i had a breakdown that weekend).

when they had me set up my availability i had changed it so i would get mondays and tuesdays off because i realized i need two days off in a row instead of two random ass days and they didnt even. abide by that. and by the time it was like that on my schedule i already lost my job because i "violated company policy" because i accidentally scanned some fake coupons. which mind you, i never did anything wrong at the job beforehand so i shouldve really got a warning instead of being straight up fired.

but i honestly think they just wanted to get rid of me because i couldnt get enough people to sign up for a credit card, which again, i work in returns, so most people doing a return do not want to apply to a card. to expect someone in returns to have someone sign up for a fucking credit card everyday is insane. telling people that its not really a credit card is even more insane. the fact that im still stressed out over this because im fucking unemployed is. insane!!! and i dont even know if i can get unemployment. i feel like crying.

[acidmatze]

Its funny (not literally but you know what i mean) that "xyz struggles with talking and mostly doesnt talk at all UNLESS its about xyz's special interest then xyz speaks very fluently and well and doesnt shut up" is a very common thing in autistic people. But for me its exactly the other way around. And i havent met another autistic person like that. As of now i feel like im the only ND person who CANT talk about heir special interest.

I just.. cant. I want to. I would LOVE to. Im always like "Oh god please talk to me about Trigun!!!!" yet im dreading that someone might actualy Do because I dont know what to say. Its not that i dont have opinions and thoughts its... i just cannot put them into... Understandable Words. There is just So Much going on whenever i think about my special interests that it becomes too overwhelming for me to translate my thoughts into anything that could be communicated in some understandable way. I wish telepathy was real so i could just beam my thoughts into someone else's head but i dont even think that would work unless they Think Like Me. Also the onslaught of information they get will probably be too overwhelming. So i desperately WANT to talk about my special interests (please talk to me about Trigun but understand that i wont be able to answer in any satisfactory way) but i CANT. I cannot communicate my thoughts in any form that can be understood by humans that are not me. If thoughts are like files on a computer my thoughts dont come in neat categories they come as a zip file you gotta unpack first and then get the entire thing at once. Well.. I dont need to unpack them cuz i know whats inside. But if i wanna communicate them i have to unzip that package and then go through every single file one by one and pick out the relevant parts. Only the relevant parts. What is important and what is not? Who knows, not me, im already despairing. So i usually just give up and dont say anything which is kinda not helping with the whole Conversation thing. Which is also why i dont do meta posts or anything... relevant. I cant give you a single coherent sentence about Trigun how am i supposed to write meta? The best i can do is like... dig out panels and point at them and yell. Maybe when a miracle happens i could get single words out that wont form any sentences whatsoever and you would have to puzzle them together. Have fun.

Fun fact! Sometimes this doesnt just happen with my special interest but with any random thing. Today i was unable to tell my Boss why i have to sit down more often than others. Has nothing to do with my special interests. Still wasnt able to start the damn sentence. Talking to me is probably a chore no one does gladly. Honestly i wish i could just... find someone whos willing to communicate with me even when i just give sentence fragments or just words and they are willing to piece them together. But lmao. As if. Even if someone WOULD say they would be willing they probably would try to talk to me once and if i actually Do Talk Like That they would go "Yeah nah this was a dumb idea lets never talk to this guy again."

[haeroniel-doliet]

A lil updates and thoughts going on rn! Mostly about art again :') putting it under read more tho bc it got away from me again all rambly lmao

Hooo wheee! Life has been a little busy huh. Finally going to work again even if it is pretty much part time, other hobbies im keeping up with, trying to keep up on life admin and its going almost well! Shame im realizing i havent worked on my drawings in well over a month now 😅

Part of me is slightly dreading going back to them rn bc ive spent hours and hours on them already and they still need many hours before i post them....

You know that one guy on like tiktok/youtube shorts whos a really friendly old artist with a hobbit hole studio and does like 1hr paintings that look incredible? Obviously i dont expect myself being rusty and also not with years and years of experience to do the same but wouldn't that be the dream? To be able to just create and be done and happy with it in just an hour or a few and move on. How sad it is how many things i have started and not finished, outting in hours and hours where it doesnt really make even a super significant difference.

Also its that dinluke positivity week thing (god i hope this doesnt show up in the tag lmao sorry) i was really hyped months ago thinking its great prompts and great time to partake in my favourite fandom especially before february 2023 inevitably changes the scene in some way! But all of a sudden mid november is here and thats kinda terrifying! I have no clear idea for any of them, nothing im like desperate to draw and my current drawing doesnt really fit them either. Im thinking maybe i should try like, giving myself idk 2 hrs max to just make something beginning to end and if i hate it its ok i dont have to post it. But maybe i will and it could be fun! Sure i am too tired to properly do anything but idk, even making one post could give me excitement and hype for things i used to enjoy and something that isnt just real life and like job related.

To be fair i could also go for the much more guaranteed dopamine boost and play a video game ive been thinking of playing again for months. Sure i dunno which to choose and im not like super inclined to anything even tho i would like to play multiple of them again, just playing alone is a little boring i guess.

The more i spend just overthinking the quicker my sunday will be over and ill have to do next week and god knows ill be busy!! I should try drawing bc its there floating in my mind and could be easier to slip in into the day routine to do a little here and there rather than like, playing skyrim for 30 mins loll. Or oblivion bc for some reason ive been missing it. Or battlefront, even tho that is really hard to play without really trying my hardest and getting readjusted to the pace of it

Alright ok im gonna set up my digital art stuff, im gonna challenge myself to sketch something on theme for all the prompts and see what ends up catching my attention. If i can do 1 or even a couple of them thatd be really really neat!

[ledamemangociana]

this is not a happy post

apologies in advance, especially to anyone who followed me coz of my various gifsets; i know this kind of thing isn’t what you’re here for. 

i’m unfortunately prone to a venting a lot and lengthily when my depression, anxiety and self-esteem issues get the better of me. most of the time, im feels-vomiting on my twitter, mostly coz i havent used my tumblr quite as regularly as i used to 6, maybe 7 years ago. i’m mostly doing this here now coz i feel like i need the writing momentum to not be stilted by having to click the “add new tweet” button over and over again.

so. i’m turning 35 two weeks from now. and it is getting to me, possibly because of the situation that the pandemic has kept me in for the past year and a half, maybe because 35 feels like a milestone adult age, maybe because turning 35 means 40 is right around the corner. and the closer my 35th birthday is, the more i’m plagued by thoughts of where i am now, where i’m probably supposed to be as an adult, where i wanted to be, and the thought that i’m just never gonna be good enough to not be who and where i am now.

in feb 2020, i started my new job as the digital marketing manager for a pair of upscale hotels, the biggest deal of a job i’ve ever gotten since i started working in late 2011, and the biggest paycheck i’ve ever signed on for too. for the first time in a long time, possibly in forever, the few big dreams i had ever had for myself seemed to be attainable; it felt like they could become goals. a solo trip to japan, getting a place for myself instead of living in the family condo, growing my collections, maybe having an actual social life, those kinds of things seemed within reach.

and then, literally a month into my new job, the country went into lockdown, and legitimately has never come out of it. my work situation changed drastically, to the point where i ran up both of my credit card bills before the year was over (i literally only just got one of them fully paid off last week, and only because my sister was a HUGE help), and i was living off the limited family funds and relying on dad to take care of me. i had a freelance client for a handful of months, only for them to drop me without word at the end of our contract, leaving me without a chunk of the only funds i was making on my own for a while. i’m now working sporadically at my regular job, with a significant cut to my paid hours and therefore my paycheck, but the tasks list just seems to grow longer with each task that i check off of it, leaving me overworked and underpaid (but of course,i know im not alone or special in this, some people have it far worse than me and i’m grateful that i even have a regular work schedule, even if it does look the way it does). im 260 lbs., wearing size 22 or 24 clothes, somewhat sickly and prone to constant painful gout attacks that make it difficult for me to walk, living in a condo unit owned by family because they’re letting me live here, making only a third of the salary i normally should at work without the panemic, subsisting on junk food and softdrinks (it’s an addiction) because much of my money leaves my wallet and goes to paying bills and loans as soon as the money comes in, alone, unloved, unlovable, as prone to hyperfixation as i’ve ever been, and putting up with constantly re-attaching bromides and instax pics that keep falling off of my recently completed anime wall.

i’m 34 years old. i’m turning 35 in two weeks.

you know who else is 34/35 this year? the local barangay captain, a member of the local govnerment unit, who was one of my classmates in grade school and high school. a few years ago, i had seen a tarp across the street advertising her local work-out and yoga classes.

i’ve always hated the question “where do you see yourself 5 years from now/10 years from now/in the future?” because i’ve never been able to truthfully answer it, even when i wasnt an emotionally unstable mess (which was all the way back in elementary). i close my eyes and try to imagine it, and nothing ever comes up. i’d like to think i have an active enough imagination to have been able to write fanfic a lot back in the day, so you know it’s bad when i can’t even imagine a lofty future for myself. at this point in my life, i can’t even say “just simply alive” because i truly don’t know if i will be, i don’t see it. that’s fatalistic, maybe, but i really have never been able to imagine myself living to 40, let alone past that. anything i want for myself remain dreams, things i dont deserve because im not thin, pretty, smart, cultured, skilled. and the closer i get to 40, the less of that already non-existent future i see. 

and it’s just depressing, you know. like. it’s already so hard being depressed about and hating myself WITHOUT this added thought of “you are only growing older and fatter and are headed literally nowhere and everyone your age is far more responsible and mature than you could even dream you’d ever be” mixed in there too. maybe this is just me beating myself up and being my own harshest bully, but what’s stopping me from believing that i deserve this bullying of myself by myself, lmao. 

i dread every birthday. i stopped dreaming things for myself a long time ago. these are all things i just know i can’t and won’t ever live up to, because i’m just this useless sack of potatoes rotting away in the corner of some barn while everyone else is finding some use for themselves and able to make lemonade out of their own lemons, and stuff like that. and yet knowing i’ll never be those things or have those things makes me sad. for someone with a laundry list of negative things about myself i’ve just learned to accept so i can somehow function, having that list sure does make me sad. and it probably shouldn’t, if im so resigned to all of this, but maybe that’s just what happens when you hate yourself - there will always be a reason for you to hate yourself.

oh, and i think i’m coming down with carpal tunnel in my left hand. great.

[luiysia]

tagged in TWO memes by @condoravenue wowowow

tagging all my mutuals who have been in my activity in the past three days so 

@seraph-wings @pawpile @benevolentchineseassociation @birdemic @stinkyhat @electronicbehaviorcontrolsystem @boxheadpaint @dailyjackiechan @coolart2021 @atonement420 @okragre @angelbabyspice @hauntedmotel

 just do one of them if you want but yea and tag me in it hehe

10 songs i’ve been listening to lately

1. other side of town / OOHYO 

2. i am not a robot / marina and the diamonds

3. girls / marina and the diamonds

4. obsessions / marina and the diamonds 

5. butter chicken / OOHYO

6. can you feel it? / the apples in stereo 

7. paradise ft. hannah diamond / charli xcx

8. its afternoon im feeling sick / sidney gish

9. luxury / azealia banks 

10. road to nowhere / talking heads

generally ive been listening the albums october rust / type o negative, night owl / olivia jean, far from the madding city / OOHYO, kala / MIA, new magnetic wonder / apples in stereo

social distancing meme

Are you staying home from work/school? yeah im back from university at my parents house and i havent been outside in like 4 days online classes just started and its hell already

If you’re staying home, who is with you? my parents and my sister and her fiance are all in this house together. its madness. i feel like im in one hundred years of solitude

Who would be your ideal quarantine mate? tbh it annoys me to even be around my friends too much lmao... i wish we had a cat or something i guess

Are you a homebody? yes lmao this honestly reminds me of summer break in high school i am now realizing how abnormal it is that i basically thought of summer break as 3 straight months of literally staying at home hanging out with my mom all day

An event you were looking forward to that got canceled? i have actually been enjoying this semester of school so far lol so im kind of sad and i miss classes... and aside from that i was in a production of the vagina monologues that got cancelled the day before the first show LOL but i had actually been dreading doing that so it’s fine. i was going to go to miku expo in may but it got delayed until september. i think there are other things im forgetting about too

What movies have you watched recently? i just recently rewatched big eden omg such a good and comforting movie PLEASE check it out if you want good gay romance movies that are actually good and don’t suck it’s so cozy and sweet and the acting is great and it just feels like there is so much care put into this movie. it was good

What shows are you watching? ive been catching up on steven universe (yeah i know. whatever) so i am still finishing that up and ive also been watching anime lmfao... i started watching eizouken and chuunibyou and also im still watching star trek ds9

What music are you listening to? see above, i have a little list of new albums and bands i wanna listen to now that i have a bit more time to absorb them

What are you reading? i want to finally finish the brothers karamazov so im trying to get thru that, im about 1/3 of the way thru at this point. and im also reading gilead by marilynne anderson and i feel bad because its talking about like. being kind to your family and respecting your parents and shit and im just like but theyre so annoying -_- theyre just so annoying -_- but it’s soooo beautiful i love this book lmao even if im a total hypocrite

What are you doing for self-care? ummm playing 2048 extremely poorly while listening to type o negative and reading threads on gossip forums 

i like to play “speed 2048″ where i try to get as high a score as possible in the shortest possible amount of time. kind of like in the bobby fischer movie where they play chess really fucking fast and slam the little timer thing

[avpdpunpun]

i disappeared for 3/4ths a year here’s an update?

its been 4 months since my queue ran out and way longer since i wrote an actual post. 8 months about? i think i last posted when i impulse quit a job that was bad for my mental health and just kept getting worse.

sometimes i wonder when ppl who blog about mental illness disappear if they’ve died. there was a big user i used to follow who did, and i still occasionally think about it sometimes, so i figure its nice to post updates sometimes. and being able to look back on posts ive written and reflect on them/what state of mind i was in can be helpful even if it can be embarrassing/dangerous because its so easy to fall back into those thinking habits 

after quitting my job i did basically nothing for 6 months haha. at some point i managed to clean out my room which i had done the bare minimum on for years because of depression, took out more built up trash than i thought was possible to fit into my small space. its disgusting but the only thing i struggle to keep up with now at least is vacuuming and putting clothes away so my space is a lot cleaner and it makes me happier. your living space can really have an effect on your mood bless you marie kondo

after my post about having an anxiety attack taking my test i got my drivers license in march. i saw the same lady again after going somewhere else and i think she just let me pass because she felt bad haha. i never finished drivers ed and i still get anxiety about driving unfamiliar routes but my skills and confidence have improved a lot. i managed to drive 2 hours to a big city to visit a friend! i literally didnt have a choice in getting my license, but its still something i can be proud of. like, when i have to explain it to people, it feels extremely shitty that i didnt get it until i was 20, and only about 5 months ago too but... for someone who struggles as much as me, i have to be proud of it my small accomplishments or i’ll have nothing.

at some point something in my brain just snapped and i literally havent been able to cry? for a long time in those 6 months i felt like i was right on the edge of breaking down mentally but never actually crossing that line and it was honestly one of the weirdest things ive experienced. i almost wanted to have a breakdown again just to get rid of the feeling and reach a catharsis like... i used to be a fucking crybaby almost but i. cant. anymore. but i think ive mostly moved away from this point... still feel kinda weird tho.

i didnt end up signing up to a local school fo gen eds. its still on my mind for the vague future because there’s topics i want to learn about (psychology, natural resources, languages...) and maybe try to pursue for a career but really i just wanted a way to get out of my toxic house, even if it meant going into debt to live in a shitty dorm. 

in the last 30 days though life has been moving extremely quickly for me. i dont think i couldve lived with myself much longer being a useless adult basically living in my basement bedroom of my parents house, especially with my younger siblings getting nearer to adult milestones, plus my savings were starting to run out.

so literally next weekend, i’m moving out! and i make enough money right now that with the rough budget i have established, if its accurate, i’ll have a decent amount of wiggle room and hopefully wont be ruining my mental health just trying to make ends meet.

it took a long time of searching but i managed to find a job that hasnt made me suicidal and has slightly more than the MIT living wage for my area lol. im a janitor now! we’ll see how long it lasts but a lot of the factors from my last two jobs that contributed to my failing mental health are gone. i rarely have to interact with other people, and if i do its my coworkers, of who i tend to only see for minutes per day, or the other people working in the building i clean who at most i have to say hi and have a nice night to lol. i get to listen to music and podcasts for 8 hours and its very routine heavy. i have to clock out after the 8 hours is up so i literally cant be forced into overtime. a lot of people dont respect cleaning jobs like this but honestly who gives a fuck, its something i can handle mentally and support myself with. its still hard adjusting to 40 hours. i know its the standard, but the standard is rly tough for me, but i think i can do it long term.

all of this has been achieved through sheer self hatred and impulse alone, and im very nervous about moving in with 3 other people even if 1 of them ive known for 8 years, and i dont think its even properly hit me yet. literally cant register that i have to fend 100% for myself but also ill be away from my toxic family! i can bring my cat with me, who before this i got to see at MOST once a week!

a dude ive known online for two or more years is moving to my area too for college and he’s so sweet and kind, i feel better talking to him than i have 99% of people in my life and im so lucky to know him. ive been forced to talk about personal things i was kind of dreading (not his fault, just a result of our relationship going to go from online -> irl and things id have to address beforehand) and honestly i didnt even mind it that much when i just got it over with and talked about it to him! vulnerability is literally the thing i struggle with the most in interpersonal relationships and is a huge block for me in every way and in even the most mundane life situations but like... he’s honestly the best and im getting emotional writing this and its weird af because i straight up dont GET emotional about other people. ive absolutely developed a stupid fucking crush on him recently and i THINK hes been receptive to flirting and i cant tell if he flirts back because we already say i love you and are wholesome af but honestly no clue if he’s into (trans) dudes but honestly? even if it doesnt work out im so happy to be friends with him and im so excited to finally meet him!! i really think knowing him has helped me improve myself 

i’ve always thought that if i could literally just achieve the bare minimum in life that things would naturally get better. like i’m still mentally ill and get paranoid about peoples intentions and i think if my boss yelled at me id have an anxiety attack on the spot. im still depressed and hate that i have low energy and that it’s still rly hard doing basic chores. 

but like a huge part of my problem was that i felt like i literally couldn’t TRY to connect with people if i couldn’t face having to tell them bare info about myself, like “oh i cant drive” or “i dont have a job” or that i was living with my parents but not even making PROGRESS on getting out. like how could i make friends or go on dates if i literally couldnt contribute shit or admit these things i was so ashamed of? a lot of my self image was shaped by this because my entire life i havent been mentally well enough to do as well as i should have.

but like. i feel like im finally doing these basic things!! i dont have to hate myself so much anymore! i dont look badly on other mentally ill ppl who are less lucky than i/havent been able to do those things yet/might not ever and are still in the same situation i was 2 months ago but the self hatred is strong pls understand.

i dont know yet if i could afford twice yearly drs visits for meds or anything and probably not therapy. i dont even know what my insurance is yet haha. but i’ll see

i need to figure out at what point in my life im going to be able to never contact a single person in my family ever again, considering i’ll be a 20 min drive away and they will know the precise location of where i live, and if i’ll ever feel safe enough in society to start hrt but :^) you know :^) i can at least present more masculinely in the meantime!

i dont rly know how to conclude this... i’m not trying to brag either im just very nervous and excited about where my life might be going for the first time ever? maybe? in my entire life? i have no clue what to pursue after moving out, but i can figure it out. and just... that there’s hope even if youre as fucked up and mentally ill as i am lmao!

[tarasdiary]

life is busy but im tryin bois

-i haven’t wrote a personal blog for a while so let’s update on things-

firstly, it’s a new year! I am going to try a lot of new things in this year and hope it’ll be a successful year fo me c: yet already im just sat here listed with too much to do

Fixing websites - so from what I notice for the wix sites I own: zsonicxcouplez, chxnelxstudios and CelestialFlameStudios. The mobile version of the site is so MESSY, I expected it to automatically look the same as the desktop version but smaller? therefore i have to go through each site, each page and edit the mobile version to fully clean each page to make it look like the desktop. So far CFS has officially been cleaned, I still gotta work on CXS & zsonicxcouplez but due to other things i gotta focus on i havent done so yet

Assignments - honestly our teacher is mean, giving us an assignment during the christmas holidays and have it due on the exact day we go back to college. therefore we can’t exactly get any help from the teachers, and usually the only source of contact between me and my college friends is snapchat - ya see the problem? and nobody gets this assignment anyway but im having to focus on this now as it’s due next week - also further notice i have exams on the same month (10 hour exam + 2 hour exam)

Thumbelina - most of part 7 is done, but i still have more art to do and because i gotta sort the assignments im not quite sure when part 7 will be done now, i was hoping to get it done before i went back to college but i legit dont know now T_T and i don’t want to go asking other artists to take over with the rest of the art since this is my responsibility

MEPS... - so silly sILLY SILLY me decided to join a couple of meps, so here i’ll be dreading over mep parts too within this month, oh dIDDLY DARN and nowadays im leaving mep parts at last minute so i really need to take a break with most meps and BE CAREFUL WITH WHAT I JOIN LMAO also im hosting 2 valentines meps this year so.. welp

overall lets just say 2018 has started out busy but im ngl im up for the challenge, i dont mind this - im someone who likes to be busy and ill guarentee you i’ll get through this

OH ITS ALMOST 9AM THIS TIME, WHY DO I WRITE BLOGS SO EARLY IN THE MORNING

WELL HAVE A GREAT DAY

[honexjams]

(this is long idc if u atchully read it i just kinda wanted to write it all out for my own self cos im in the shower rn and u know how that is, death spiral of existsntial dread if i dont get this out constructively.)

i was afab but fully saw myself as a boy from like birth so as a lil kid i just assumed i would like girls & to everyone else that meant lesbian so that was ID #1 when i was like 7 years old which was also around when i first remember feeling physical gender dysphoria so that prolly had sumn to do w me wanting to let people know i liked girls ya know. didnt have a super clear understanding of gender roles cos i was, 7, and trans lol. liking girls was a boy thing to me then so i went with it.

then at 11 i learned the words for being trans and was like 'yup' immediately so bam theres the boy part. when i came out to my mom like a week or so later she deadass just gaslit tf outta me and i went into a denial period for like almost a year thEn questioned if maybe i was just nonbinary cos i knew i wasnt a girl. that only lasted a bit before i was like hnnng nah im Just a dude. (i was still terrified of coming out due to ya know the mom & now that she knew i was having Trans Delusions she kept me from getting my hair cut and shopping in the mens section n shit it sucked).

then around 13 p-p-p-puberty happened and i started crushing on boys which freaked me out cos i already had dealt with Lesbophobia (as a guy that type of shit didnt hit the same i know that but it was still ostracization and bullying and not fun lmao) so having to 'un-come out' was weird & i didnt want to sacrifice the one thing that made people see me as more masc on an identity level (ik thats not how shit works but thats what i was clingin to) so i kept up that i just liked girls then just cos that felt like lying i went with bi. now i never had a 'i want to date you' crush on a girl like i had on guys, i just thought they were pretty ya know, so to maintain Bi-ness i kind of capped all attraction i had to guys at that 'i just think theyre pretty' level. i wasnt concious that i was doing this at that point but hindsight is 20/20.

anyway by around age 15 i was experiencing my first episodes of dissociation (long term untreated dysphoria can do that turns out yikes i had a Lot of Rage towards my parents at like All Times for a few months when i learned that thats what caused it oof) and confused the feeling of not having a body with the feeling of not having dysphoria because dysphoria was at the forefront of how i felt about my body. I took on the label of genderfluid for a bit because i percieved this as shifting between feeling male & agender. after a few months or sumn it just stopped feeling right so i just dropped it as lowkey as i held it.

at 16 i finally started coming out as trans and i think sumn about the dissonance between an accepting school life (started going to an art school, lotta queerz & people were super chill) and a transphobic homelife made the dissociation very much way a lot worse. so that, the dysphoria, and generally not allowing myself to be attracted to the gender i was naturally attracted to lead me to not be interested people romantically or sexually, so by age 17 i was like.... why havent i been attracted to anyone all this time hm guess im aroace. then Recently like in the past month? or two? i just caught a crush really hard and was like... i need to confront this and finally just said i was gay.

a few months ago i also got diagnosed with PCOS which is considered by some to be an intersex condition, specifically one where Estrogen Dominant People With Uteruses have a lil too much testosterone which makes me laff cos even my body is like come on this kids trans.

anyway im 18 now and i think im processing that im gay pretty well and i should be going on T next month if all goes alright. long story short life is weird and it gets better.

cant believe ive really identified as male female nonbinary and genderfluid, also as gay lesbian bi pan and aroace, and also have an intersex condition. the whole fucking acronym wow we stan

[kilnkin]

@a-thousand-dreadful-things

aud grits her teeth and asks for a favour

kilnkin hey

kilnkin damian right

a-thousand-dreadful-things Hello. It says on your profile here that your name is Aud. May I call you Audrey?

kilnkin no anyway can you help me with something :0

a-thousand-dreadful-things I don't know you, so the answer is most likely no.

kilnkin do you know val cause honestly this is mostly for her

a-thousand-dreadful-things I have heard of her, yes. Tell me what it is first.

kilnkin haha ok so you know like maybe a week or two ago when you were rlly baked and running around in the woods ?

a-thousand-dreadful-things And what do you know of that night?

kilnkin ?? what i saw: you getting your cryptid on and what i smelled: a shitload of weed i mean if youre embarrassed ive seen worse lmao u ever heard of kupala night hahah

a-thousand-dreadful-things I never have. So what does your request have to do with my unfortunate venture into the woods?

kilnkin ok well you were there and i was also obviously there and i buried something and i was hoping you could help me track it down

a-thousand-dreadful-things What did you bury?

kilnkin blood lots of it

a-thousand-dreadful-things Thought I smelled something last night. Whose blood?

kilnkin doesnt matter you can keep some if you want

a-thousand-dreadful-things It does matter. I only eat human blood. And at a school like this, whoever it comes from may not be human.

kilnkin lmao were you gonna say no if you didnt get to drink it

kilnkin what happened to being a gentleman or whatever

a-thousand-dreadful-things I don't even know what it's for, or why you buried it. You only bury things if it's some big shit, Audrey. They used to bury my kind with spikes through our chests, to keep us down, to prevent danger. Is it a wise idea to dig this blood up again?

kilnkin one: not audrey two: thanks for the tip ill keep that in mind three: i told you this isnt even for me so the better question is whether or not you trust val wonderkid extroirdinaire

unfortunate pause

kilnkin lol ill take that as a no

a-thousand-dreadful-things If Valentine needs ingredients for her purposes I'm happy to help. But I'm merely pointing out that she wasn't the one who buried the blood. And again; whose blood is this? And how long as it been out of body? I may not be entirely motivated by hunger, but I wouldn't mind a break from the stale blood bags from the school cafeteria.

kilnkin fine its been out of the body for a while so you probably dont want it which means you dont need to know whose it is (: so are you in or what

a-thousand-dreadful-things Can you at least just tell me if it's human blood or not. For scent detection purposes?

kilnkin not

a-thousand-dreadful-things There's plenty of nonhuman blood strewn about the forest. I might get the scent conflated with any of that.

kilnkin you walked right by me when one of the jars cracked

kilnkin i thought maybe you could reach through all the pot and bad decisions and have a shot at remembering the smell but if thats too hard for you i can always ask someone else! maybe one of the hell hounds could do a better job

a-thousand-dreadful-things I'll help you. But you should know you've backed me into a corner where I now have to ask something weird.

kilnkin you definitely dont have to (: we could stop right here and just meet up later no further conversation required even lol

a-thousand-dreadful-things It's not that weird, hold on. Sense memory is powerful, so therefore the best course of action to remind me of the blood scent would be to prompt it with a paired scent. Which, since I am not smoking weed before heading into the forest to look for some mysterious blood, would be you.

kilnkin ugh

a-thousand-dreadful-things So to get to the weird question, would it be alright with you if I took a good whiff before we got started. I might need to place my face near or around your body. Wouldn't want to give you the wrong idea.

kilnkin fine. no talking

a-thousand-dreadful-things And I'll keep my hands in my pockets. I promise.

kilnkin very reassuring from the dude with fangs

a-thousand-dreadful-things Maybe when I take a sniff you'll be close enough to my mouth to notice I have no fangs, usually. They retract. It's very handy.

kilnkin oh sick i mean also no talking ahead of time about how close youre gonna get but thats pretty cool damn X)

a-thousand-dreadful-things It's convenient. Keeps things easy when partaking in the human world.

kilnkin please humans will overlook anything lmao i spent the whole winter break with a vampire in the middle of nyc and barely a funny look

a-thousand-dreadful-things A vampire, in NYC? One who isn't me, that is? How funny. I would've liked to connect, but unfortunately I was on house arrest at the time.

kilnkin lmao whatd you even do

kilnkin like partied too hard pregnancy scandal bad grades or like fingerwag son dont eat people youre grounded >:(

a-thousand-dreadful-things A little bit of both.

kilnkin wait for real???? serious?? pregnancy scandal?? jk lol

kilnkin anyway id say im glad you were off the streets before little old me ever got there but you seem way more harmless than people made you out to be so. eh

a-thousand-dreadful-things No one was pregnant, but not for lack of trying. And thank you? Though I sense that is an underhanded compliment at best.

kilnkin depends whether youre one of those EMBRACE YOUR ANIMAL NATURE types who gets all offended when someone implies youre defanged

a-thousand-dreadful-things Not currently offended, so I suppose I am not.

kilnkin thats the spirit (: like you more already

a-thousand-dreadful-things Thank you. I still feel more or less ambivalent towards you.

kilnkin haha trust me thats a win in my book (: dont get ahead of yourself tho

kilnkin "more" than a negative still isnt very much

a-thousand-dreadful-things That is perfectly fine. I was not getting ahead of anything. I am still firmly behind any possible thing.

kilnkin great to hear, love the modesty youll make marginally better company than the hell hounds

a-thousand-dreadful-things Hell hounds. Excellent. Just when you've thought you've heard the last of it with this school.

kilnkin surprised you havent seen them on your late night hiking expeditions also hot tip: dont ever think youve heard the last of it unless you really like being wrong which doesnt seem like your style (:

a-thousand-dreadful-things It does not indeed.

[idksheepthoughts]

Conversations Me: you actually soft blocked me....                                   any reason why?

Her: lol the fact that you noticed this late   but it happened on accident actually and i went and unblocked               but at that point i was like lmao like she'll notice so i never mentioned it              

Me: If you hate me just say so. No need to lie.... I don't check shit like that every day but it's not that many days since I know it was maybe a week or less ... Whatever. I'm so splitting atm. So I'll shut up before I say something else             

Her: hate? when the fck did i mention that?         yes, better shut up before you stick your foot in your mouth as usual                 since i've done nothing hostile to you as if me feeling like i matter to no one and have the smallest amt of friends possible is somehow how an Attack on You.

Me: you blocked me... on "accident" how does that even happen.... i've told you tons of times that the amount of friends depends solely on yourself. and your willingness to talk to people and work past the anxiety and fear that talking to people causes. . . otherwise I wouldn't even have friends. because if i isolated and neveer talked to anyone ever first that nobody would talk to me in the first place. . . ugh whatever. i've said too much im just going to sober up and talk later i guess.... I can't always be here I try to be but like we said previously, i didn't know what to do between give you loads of attention and give you nothing at all...

Her: tumblr mobile? lol. if you can't believe me when i say that then i don't really want to talk to you since everytime i feel bad or have like, negative feelings regarding my own situations you always take it so personally (1) and then i have to dread these fcking conversations so when we've been talking normally on twitter                 it all goes to fcking shit because you can't accept that i get to feel bad and feel upset about stuff regardless of whether or not im taking actions to help myself in my own way at my own pace...doesn't mean you get to think that i hate you so i blocked you      because what the fuck how does it work when we've been chatting like everyday on twitter?                   and it was (what i thought) fine? good? (2) if it really was the case i wouldve blocked you here or just flat out deleted since then i'd only have one fucking follower :) so just. let me have emotions. and don't assume things. this is so funny because i remember you getting mad at me months ago for the same exact thing   and here we are, situations reversed  

Me: BECAUSE i have a huge fear of abandonment.... it was fine but this stuff even if its an accident just idk .... i guess you never saw how much abandonment even if its an accident sends me into depressive spirals??? have i ever left you no. i've been distant yes but i've never full on unfollowed or left... idk you block me a lot and delete and it hurts every time.                                    

Her: "even if" can you believe me????? first off???? (3) and no you havent god if it was such a problem just follow me and then ask me about it because why would i lie lol (4) i don't like friendships built on lies i'll never talk to someone like that genuinely   i have insecurities too. i have enough

Me: ok it was an accident.

Her: i didn't even think it was a problem first off considering all those people you put on your thanksgiving post. and then you never noticed/messaged me about so i was like k, so that's that! and just talked w/ you normally here  (5)           so let's just accept the fact that we've got our problems and there's better ways to handle this than assuming motives

Me: so you did change url because of that post??? like my paranoid ass thought???? i was right on that???? cause i noticed that and was like... maybe its not related but was it????? cause I just want to know... im not mad at that at all just... i want to not assume things atm.    and i notice stuff slowly because I try not to fall into obsessive traits. its not healthy to check who im following or who is greyed out or blocked every single day. . . I try to just let things be but when I do notice stuff i can't help but explode. I tried to be calm by just asking why.... but i clearly failed at that. its whatever. I followed back. if it happens again just like.. tell me please??? this stuff makes me so close to slitting my wrist                                    

Her: no, i changed my url because i was sitting on that url for a while and i wanted to use it              

Me: okay, it was just a paranoid thought.                             

Her: well, i really, really, really, don't like when you start assuming things even after i tell you or not believing me. we've been friends for how long? does it mean nothing? you'd think i'd lie at this point? x____x       (6) .those thoughts make me want to die      

Me: i'm sorry for thinking irrationally, but with how many people just up and leave, all the time even with being friends for long periods its hard not to jump to conclusions. I am in the wrong for falling into my own paranoid thoughts. You explained things and I don't believe that you are lying so its fine.                        

Her: oh, now you believe me                     after i have to hold your hand when i'm upset (7) whatever i'm probably not going to follow back because i hate that i have no friends and my mutuals ignore all my posts when i try to put myself out there     it's gotten to a point where i can't post stuff on tumblr anymore because i know no one gives a shit             like even as happy as i am about my commission i know if i post that on my tumblr i'll make the artist seem bad when no one likes my post  idc. i'm bitter and alone and probably always will be because i don't have any friends aside from you o/                           like, be grateful you even have that many people to be grateful for   (8)      i'd kill for it i feel like dying when i think about this and i think about it a lot     but ofc i don't moan about it anywhere except on this stupid fucking twitter account                   where you seem ot think i live a dandy life   (9)                                    it fcking sucks bc im trying my best!                                           anyways im done lol           oh and then you post shit like *Edit* (Screenshot of some tags where I said I always listen to people but nobody likes listening to me so I talk to my cats a lot which is true because I’m a burden and i hate bothering people with my problems so much)                    that when you damn well no i have no one else to listen to except you online      and we've been civil lately                         but ok! i guess i don't care!  because im living it up!       #sarcasm    (10)

Me: you havent followed me in probably over 10 or so months, whenever i remade, cause i don't think you followed me when i delteed either,  i didn't expect a follow back at all. i just expect us to be not mutuals but still friends? THEN TALK TO PEOPLE TALK TO PEOPLE AND TALK TO PEOOPLE thats all i did was work past my fears and talk to people and some stuck around some didn't. i dont know what else to say. some of those people haven't actually spoken to me in months either but im still grateful for them. I have nothing else to really advise on that other than you gotta put the talking in first. thats all i've done and its somehow managed to not fuck it up for this long??? i dont think i've had any friend longer than whenever we started being friends... so around 2 years...    

Her: no offense but just talking to people doesn't do shit :) but seriously, thanks :)       (Phone lagged) So I repeated my previous message by accident)                           

Her: yeah probably the only reason you havent fucked it up is because i dont want to be fucking alone and i dont give up easily so ive stayed with this even fi you make me feel like fucking shit when this happens   & since you said nothing to everything else i just said i guess im right :)             god im over this i dont want to fight and i dont want to talk to you becaus eim always explaining my problems and you just like. tell me the same shit each time as if it'll magically do stuff   liek the fact that im trying doesnt mean anything                 i dont wanna talk to you if its always going to be like this ill take the goddamn loss and be lonely while youve got your fucking harem of friends idc if its an exaggeration the point is everyone i considered a friend has just stopped talking to me completely and the only thing i get here is you telling me what to do like i need cold hard instructions for making a friend  

ME: Harem??? You know nothing about anything. Ya know what..... forget it. If it's better I don't say anything because nothing I says helps and  I'm a broken record. You want to assume because I tagged a lot of people doesn't mean I wasn't just fishing for validation. Me trying to help is just being a dumb mistake. I can't help anyone and why I try is also confusing because I am pointless. I'm keeping you in my note regardless you have been here and listened and that hadn't changed.  But if this is just going to explode it's going to explode. All I do is ruin everything and I don't even care anymore I'm going to buy a gun soon anyways. So what's the point in trying to make something work. I've always been a shit friend and it's just not worth it to you at this point. So okay.                   

Her: HERE let me qutoe for you something    "idc if its an exaggeration"                                      ^^^^^^^             unlike you im aware when im being irrational lmao    (11)     apparnetly you get to be and i dont                             thats how it always is            did you ever think about it feels for me   when my only friend does shit like this constantly    like lmao                                ofc not bc why would you consider anything from my point of view  this conversation is over until you want to stop fucking assuming i dont care       LOL     and acting as if me letting you go is the best thing that could happen to me       like we couldnt j ust talk on twitter and let it fucking be but you have todrag it all in at least i get to get stuff off my chest thats the only fucking good that comes out of this  like you dont get that you telling me the same thing hurts because it doesnt fucking work and i dont have any fucking friends  i have college to deal with and studies and that pressure but you dont know the half of it?    but you just want to assume, assume, assume   (12) i cried already out of anger    

Me: I didn't have friends in college either                                 

Her: big offense but i dont want to continue this conversation

ME: Okay

Her: unles syoure willing to admit to your bullshit       because ima lways doing that and im always getting the end of your shit      

Me: I am made of nothing but bullshit I'm nothing but a huge fucking shit storm and I always will be. You should have left a long time ago because I don't know how to not be toxic   It's not That I won't be upset by you leaving far from it but you deserved better people and maybe if you had left and kept trying as you have been things will turn around. Because literally everyone that has ever done that with me ended up fine and in a good spot. I hold people back. And that's all I can think of. I ruin other people's lives by being in it. And I've certainly made your life worse. And I'm just better off dead because I am a selfish fucking loser.     I'll shut up now.