#i havent moved that blog in like 4 months? at least but i. i have made new blogs and i think people are. tired of it

[kurthorton-moving]

I log into my other blogs multiple times every day and yet. Nothing Happens on them

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

would i be the asshole for contacting my ex to ask them if they could stop talking about me online to a community that knows who i am? (🥐)

tw: kinda emotionally abusive relationship

bg info

me (24f) and my ex (28) were in a three month relationship three years ago following a whole year of friendship. they were my first partner and i came out as a lesbian to everyone during our relationship. when we were together, they were 24 and i was 20. i was very emotionally dependent on them when i was 20 due to mental health issues and so were they which is probably one of the reasons why our relationship was as explosive as it was. i looked up to them, my whole emotional world revolved around them, and our friendship/relationship was the only thing i had in my life at the time. they constantly asked me "hey is it even ethical that im dating you, im 4 years older, you tell me please, oh i feel like such a bad person", yet, they still continued dating me every time they would ask.

our fights were horrible and truly explosive as they broke their stuff in front of me out of anger, threw things at me and insulted me as stupid, amongst many other things. our fights usually ensued because i would ask them for reassurance and they would start panicking and screaming at me to shut up. to be fair, i would cry every time i was asking for reassurance which probably made them feel scared about losing me, so i consider myself 50% at fault for everything that happened in our relationship, i shouldve been able to talk to them in a secure manner that wouldnt trigger their abandonment issues. our fights were quite jarring and made me walk out on them several times out of fear. yet i always came back and apologized and took the whole accountability, even though i dont consider myself the only one at fault. walking out several times during fights was probably one of the worst things i could have done but at the same time i was simply scared. even when i walked out after our last fight, they begged me to come back, which i did, i apologized under tears, and yet, told them that i cant promise them to stay no matter what.. and left.

we met through tumblr and were in a medium distance relationship. after our relationship, i went to a clinic and had to learn a lot about myself, what i experienced and what i want from life. im in a very happy and healthy place now and since the end of 2021 im with my current partner whom i want to be the love of my life and whom ive started to build a life with.

context

i have my ex blocked on all social media because they used to do hour long deep dives into my blog, even as of recently (i have statcounter installed for my safety bc im paranoid about them sending me anonymous asks). at first i also used to visit their blog after our break up but stopped doing so after moving on with my life. one year after breaking up i temporarily unblocked them and explicitly asked them not to look at my social media (or at least to do it in a way in which i dont notice aka asked them not to watch my instagram stories).

while i dont visit their blog/social media because i dont want to know whats going on in their life, tumblr mutuals frequently dm me stuff like "hey i think you should know that your ex posted about you/shit talks about something that you posted". i havent asked my mutuals to tell me whenever this happens but i imagine they do so because within the tumblr space we exist, everyone kind of knows everyone (so my ex doesnt have to mention my name for people to know who theyre talking about). sometimes mutuals send screenshots of the posts so that i dont have to visit my ex's blog. last ive heard my ex joked about throwing jewelry at me and posted extensively about a tattoo that i got. my ex's behavior makes me uncomfortable and feel just as helpless as i did back then.

why i might be the asshole

im scared that they might be venting because i was more at fault in the relationship than them and that i am unconsciously deflecting. however, i talked about every detail of the relationship and this fear extensively with my therapist, friends, and partner who are of the opinion that i was young, scared, and intertwined in a relationship that was incredibly toxic. im still unsure though because my emotions frequently triggered theirs.

why they might be the asshole

i asked them once to stop visiting my social media and i feel like venting about our relationship that broke off 3 years ago to a tumblr community of friends and acquaintances is kind of unfair. however, i might be the asshole and they might just need the space for venting. i could just ignore the vents and let them heal in their own way from what ensued.

WIBTA if i confronted them again and told them that i want them to stop talking about me online? or would i be a party pooper because every person needs a space for venting?

What are these acronyms?

[und3ad-mutt]

stillllll job searching. nothing yet. no calls, no emails, nothing. its been like 6 months. ive applied to the government financial assistance thing and its rejected me at least 4 times.

i have 3 months before the friend im staying with leaves. my uncle is moving his new fucking girlfriend into my old room and if worst comes to worst, i can sleep on his couch again. i hate begging for money and plastering my art all over but rn these commissions are my only source of income if i get them.

i will draw furries, ocs, dnd characters, some non-complex mech, nsfw, anything. im just really desperate and in a really bad place.

don't feel bad if you can't give anything or commission me, but a reblog goes a long way! please 🙏 🙏 🙏

i will also do tarot readings for cheap.

as of right now i am completely out of the sensors for my libre glucose monitor. any money goes into buying those, buying food, or saving up. i'm blessed enough that my friend's parents aren't making me pay any bills rn due to being unemployed, but that won't last forever either, especially after he leaves.

any little bit helps, here are more art examples

(the varying watermarks/ signatures are because these pieces are all from differentish times in my life. I went by Ethan for a while, i'm over at @chaotic-possum-art tho i havent been active for a while. M.L was "mavros-lykos" an old blog i used to have)

https://ko-fi.com/chaoticopossum42

monthly obligatory advert

got terminated without cause at my last job after watching them break all their departments into like 3 then watching my managers leave and them just Not replacing them or promoting anyone and refusing to promote my coworkers

been applying to jobs all around me but nada so far. will sell pics if wanted and i do art commissions also 🙏🙏 money goes towards food and keeping me alive in general anything helps. will post some of my art at the end here ✨️

like to charge reblog to support local autistic transgender

art comms website: https://chaoticpossumart.carrd.co/

paypal: https://www.paypal.me/chaoticpossumart

[kumoriyami-xiuzhen]

Hakuoki Yuugiroku Drama - Thumb-Sized Samurai Tracks 1-4 (of 7)

This is my last post of the month, so I’ll end by asking you to please support me if you can through my ko-fi, and paypal or patreon which provides access to my hakuoki blog translations and early access to my postings. Also, please let me know if you have any hakuoki drama cds that you’d be willing to share that are on my Lookout List since i either do not have audio for those cds or do not have audio that I can share.... and if you are able to remove watermarks from a video, please contact me.  

Well... I’m finally done with all that i can translate for this drama. posting these tracks all together since im unable to continue translating the rest of this by myself... which is something i wouldn’t normally do because i prefer splitting tracks up for more items on my queue, tho that’s also a side-effect of me usually not being able to stay focused on one drama... not sure when i’ll get to the subtitle videos for these since im still pretty busy (while i have the first 3 tracks of this drama subtitled [unedited], at this rate, i might just wait for when finals are done and just focus on all my videos in bulk then... plus ive yet to receive the tl for track 6 and 7 [and need someone else to go over where the voices overlap in track 5], so that will likely cause further delays to the videos for this drama).

also i totally caved in and exchanged points for the yuukoku no moriarty stage play file with chinese subs that someone finished translating recently and bought the blu-ray for the 2nd musical. havent craved more content from a fandom this badly since about a few months before i decided that i would start translating hakuoki stuff lol. 

Hakuoki Yuugiroku 2 Limited Edition Bonus Drama CD “Thumb-sized Samurai”

Translation by KumoriYami

Track 1

Kazama: hehehe~ Sure enough/As expected, this medicine's blend of Forsythia grass and boiled eel, along with my yearning and passion....

Heh.....hehehahaha~!!! Success at last! This forbidden drug, it shall be named ——the New Ishida Sanyaku · Changed/Improved!!

Hm~. as long as this strange drug  "the New Ishida Sanyaku" is improved, it will become a panacea that will make people fall deeply in love.......

She obviously loves me, [however] my wife is is unable to honestly admit to her feelings [and] is tormented by the pain of love-sickness/My wife, tortured by love sickness, has refused to admit her feelings, isn't this medicine suitable for her?

Alright/Well, now that this medicine has been completed, this must be quickly brought to my wife to drink.

No, wait, just in case, the effects of this must be tested first. (Kazama begins walking off somewhere—)

Track 2

Harada: So that's it/all, Hijikata-san, that's all I can report on. Sure enough/As expected, the team members' most pressing concern is the security of headquarters.

Saito: My opinions/suggestions are almost the same/similar/the same as Sano's. I believe that we need to improve our defences against intruders.

Hijikata: Is that so. I understand what you guys are saying. Harada and Saito, you've worked hard....... That being said, it's difficult to completely prevent intruders from coming in. This place is a temple, not a fortress. Even if we installed a fence now, that isn't really a good plan.

Saito:.....So what you're saying is......

Harada: But, shouldn't the area around Chizuru's room at least be fortified? It is true that someone is after her.

Saito: Kazama Chikage, Amagri and Shiranui [check audio], the self-proclaimed group of oni......

Hijikata:......Indeed. In short I need to consult with Kondou-san about this....... Then, that'll be it for today's report.

Saito: Then I'll go make some tea. You should rest first. Sano, you should also drink some.

Harada: Oh, thanks a lot. Then I won't be impolite [rephrase later].

(Saito leaves then returns shortly after)

Saito: I've brought the tea. This is fresh[ly brewed] and hot, so please be careful.

Harada: Thank you. I didn't expect this so quickly.

Hijikata: (sips tea)......Oh, what's this, Saito? Did you use some other tea leaves today?

Saito: Nn?......No, I haven't done that.

Hijikata: Really? Then why do I feel that this tastes different from usual?

Harada: You didn't put poison in did you?

Saito:......!! Don't say such frightening words, Sano. The idea of me poisoning the Vice-Commander is complete nonsense. [i prefer the word 'utter']

Harada: Don't get angry, I was just kidding. (sips tea).......but, like Hijikata-san said, the taste of this tea really is odd/strange [tl says 'subtle']......

Saito: Strange? How could that be...... (sips tea)....!!

Harada: What's wrong? You've suddenly become quiet.

Saito: This taste is of...... Ishida Sanyaku ！？

Hijikata: Ahaha, I was thinking that this tasted a bit familiar, so that's what it was........ wa, wait! Why was that put into the tea!?

Harada: Saito..... you bastard, did you actually put Ishida Sanyaku into tea/you didn't actually put Ishida Sanyaku into tea did you? Even if you love that stuff, you should know when to stop before going too far [idiom. rephrase later]!

Saito: No......I would remember doing something like that. I only saw that the teapot lid was open, that there were tea leaves already inside, and that I was thinking how it could easily be brought over to be used......

Hijikata:......There was already tea inside? Did you notice if there was something strange/weird in the surroundings?

Saito: Speaking of which........ I saw something, I thought it was garbage so I ignored it, I think I remember how a note there was a written note saying "dedicated/specially for my wife. Dogs are strictly prohibited to touch this" or something like that.......

Hijikata: What, those words. From where do they....seem... familiar.......

(Hijikata collapses)

Saito: Vice-Commander!!

Harada: oi~ oi!! What's wrong, Hijikata-san! Why are you/why did you suddenly....... falling/collapsing/fall/collapse......!!

(Harada collapses)

Saito: Sano!! Why are you also......!!.......Why am I/How can I.......also....... be fainting........!

(Saito collapses)

Track 3

(footsteps)

Souji: Ha...... good grief, this is a real problem. I've long wanted to say this, but why is it necessary for us to submit a report about our patrols when nothing unusual happened?

Heisuke: I actually think that way too. But nothing can be done about this because of the rules~

Souji: Anyway, if nothing unusual happens, isn't it enough for Heisuke to make the report/that you make the report, Heisuke? I don't think I should be involved in giving it~

Heisuke: You just don't want to go to Hijikata-san's room. If you were giving a report to Kondou-san, you'd obviously be very happy.

Souji: That's because Hijikata-san sees me he won't stop talking as soon as he sees me. Before this, all I did was secretly prepared some ink and smeared a stone into it so that it turned black. He surprisingly became furious at me.

Heisuke:......Anyone who experienced this kind of thing would get really angry.......  Hijikata-san, we're coming in. (they stop walking and open a door) Hey~ Hijikata-san~! Eh? Ah? It seems that he isn't here?

Souji:......But, doesn't it look like he was was recently in the room? Look, something spilled on to the floor.

Heisuke: What~? Is it possible that he wasn't careful and spilled his teacup, then panicked as he left to go and get a towel to dry this?

Souji: Maybe. Anyhow/Speaking of which...... besides the tea, there seems to be some other strange thing on the floor...... What is this?

Heisuke:......Hijikata-san, Sano-san, and Hajime-kun? What are these, these puppets/figurines [or dolls] look very well made. These might be Hijikata-san's things, so it'd be better not to touch them.

Souji: Anyway it seems like he's not in his room right now. Nothing to be done about it then~ [we'll] hand in our report later.

Heisuke: Yeah. Really, just where did he go......

(they open the door and leave the room)

Track 4

Harada: Saito...... Oi, Saito...! Wake up, I'm telling you to wake up!

Saito:.......Mm...mrgh... S-Sano?

Harada: Yeah.... oh, wait a sec! It's good that you're awake, but you can't open your eyes yet!...... Well, how should I put this...... you need to be mentally prepared......

Saito:.....? What are you saying? What mental preparations......?

~music tune~

Saito:.......!! Sano!?………………Sano?

Harada: Why is that a question? Without a doubt, it's me, Harada Sanosuke.

Saito: No....... But, the Sano I know, doesn't have that height......

Harada: Don't worry, you've become just like me. Just look down at your own body.

Saito:.....!!  Even my sword is unsteady in these smaller hands, and if I step forward, there's the risk of falling over because this extremely big head..... What the hell happened to my body...!

Harada: I'll say it first, but this isn't a dream. Because I've already my face quite a few times.

Saito:......This lowly/humble body...... let alone moving, won't I be useless to the vice-commander and be unable to contribute to the Shinsengumi!?

Harada: In a sense, I don't think you'll need to worry about that? Take a look/Look, Hijikata-san has also become like/also looks like this.

~music tune~

Hijikata: Ah...... damn it......! My hands and feet [arms and legs] have gotten shorter, and everything else [tl is surroundings/everything in the surrounding] has become incredibly large......!

Saito: E-Even the Vice-Commander.....!? Why do you [also] have this awkward appearance......!!

Hijikata: Saito, you're awake. I just woke up...... Oi, Harada, why on earth have we become/do we look like this!

Harada: Even if you ask me that, I have no idea/I don't know. I was like this when I woke up.

Hijikata: Yeah....... well, since the three of us have all become like this, it's obvious/goes without saying that the pot of tea was strange.

Harada: Yeah. To begin with, it's strange to have tasted Ishida Sanyaku in tea.

Saito:......I see. That is to say that this is all due to Ishida Sanyaku......

Hijikata: No, that's impossible......

Saito: Ishida Sanyaku is a medicine that is meant to be taken with sake, because it was deviously put into tea, this sort of of trouble happened.......

???: Che~ how stupid [tl is more "stupid beyond the point of help/redemption but i can't figure out how to word that]! Devious? It's shameless to even guess/speculate about this [reword later].

Harada:......! That arrogant voice......! Kazama!!?!?

Hiijikata: You bastard! Are you actually here to harass Chizuru again[??? there's an idiom used in this sentence that I don't really get so i omitted it]!? Where the hell are you hiding!?

Kazama: HAH~! Are your eyes just decorations?  I don't run or hide, so are you not able to see who is before your eyes?

~music tune~

Saito: Ha....... so you've also become like this...

Harada: I couldn't help but look up just now ['doubt my eyes'ish or 'look away'.... or something?] . (whispers) Ha.... It turned out be some random passerby.

Kazama: You bastard, sighing after looking at someone else's face, you really know nothing about etiquette!

Hijikata:: After breaking into someone's home, it goes without saying that etiquette will go to the dogs [reword later]! Alright, Saito, Harada! Let's drive this guy out of headquarters!

Saito: Understood (draws sword)

Kazama: Ah~ do you plan on fighting me with that poor body of yours?

Hijikata: Look at yourself, aren't you also the same!?

Harada: Speaking of that guy, why are you even here?.... Don't tell me that it was your plan to make our bodies smaller!?

Kazama: Ha, have you finally noticed it. You idiots/fools with no brains.

Saito: In other words, this is all that guy's fault?! Making all of our bodies smaller, what do you intend on doing?!

Kazama: It has nothing to do with you. I was only looking for my wife.... Yes, only just my wife.... That damn vile medicine!! To actually make turn me into this inferior article!!

Hijikata: Although I don't get why you're so upset, quit rambling, and hurry up and tell us the way to get us back to normal!

Kazama:.......Che.

Saito: You still won't talk. Then violence can be the only answer [reword later. don't like how it reads]...!

Harada: Hold it, Saito!

Saito: Why are you stopping me, Sano! If we don't get the answer out of that guy's mouth, we won't be able to get our bodies back to normal!

Harada: Don't you think it's a bit strange? Kazama was originally the culprit with that medicine, but why is that guy so small now? If he was able to get back to normal, he already would have done that!

Hijikata: Co-Could it be.... you're not going to say that you don't know how to get us back to normal, right!

Kazama:  Did you finally realize it? You idiots with no intelligence!

Harada: Uwah....... I really want to beat him up......

Saito: Vice-Commander, please give me the order to cut that guy down!

Kazama: Che, listen to me! It's not that I don't know how to restore us to our original states. It's just that this method will be extremely difficult to accomplish.

Hijikata:……Difficult [Difficult how]……?

Kazama: It's simple to get back to our original states. The teapot with the medicine in it is still in the kitchen. We just need to drink more of that medicine, the "New and Improved Ishida Sanyaku."

Harada: I feel that I want to complain about the name of that medicine since it's a bit too subtle.... But will that really work?!

Kazama: Of course. As I possess the noble bloodline of the oni, it's impossible for me to lie.

Hijikata: For the time being, we'll believe what you say. For the time being, we'll believe what you say. You said it'd be difficult, but shouldn't being able to get into the kitchen smoothly, be the only problem? 

Saito: Indeed. Just from the drop to the ground, which looks as high a wall, you can definitely infer how difficult it will be to get to the kitchen...

Kazama: That's right. As a dog who can only wag his head and wag his tail, that ability to understand is really good.

Harada: How is it that I feel angry whenever I hear you say something nasty [reword later].... Well, since we're like this, if we have more people, we'll be able to solve this problem sooner.

Hijikata: Speaking of which...... if someone would pass by/if someone just passed by......

(voices heard in distance)

Souji: Eh~ really, I don't always want to be doing this every time~

Heisuke: Don't say that. Hijikata-san should be back at his room now, right?

Hijikata: Those voices just now...... are Souji and Heisuke's?

Saito: Souji! Heisuke! Come here......! Mmph......! (mouth gets covered by Harada)

Harada: Don't be impulsive, Saito!!

Saito (weakly) What are you doing......!

Harada: I'm telling you/Listen [to me], just think about it! Even if Heisuke helps, the other person there is Souji!

Hijikata: If that guy finds out that we're tiny/this small, who knows how he would react!

Saito: (gasps and moves Harada's hand away) Ha...... Indeed, he'd treat us like toys and handle us as if we were straw...... just imagining that gives me the chills [reword later]......

Kazama: Che, as expected of a pack of dogs made up of rogues and villains. It's amazing that how you don't even have confidence/trust in your own companions.

Hijikata: Shut up! Under these circumstances...! Perhaps Souji is the only exception!

Harada: In the first place, what should we be doing, Hijikata-san? We have to do something, so should we just tell Heisuke about what happened?

Hijikata: Uh………… No, let's pretend to be dolls for a while. After, we can wait for Yamazaki or maybe Gen-san....... ah, there's still Chizuru, [but] we should wait for someone reasonable to pass by.

Kazama: What are you saying? You're actually telling me to pretend to be a doll [reword later]!?

Hijikata; Shut up and just do as I say! Even if it's you, if you can't get back to normal, won't you have a lot of problems!

Kazama: Che. There's nothing to be done/that can be done about it then.

Harada: Heisuke's coming! Everyone stop talking!

(door slides open)

Heisuke: Hijikata-san~!  Hah!? Still not here......

Okita: That's strange. I just heard a very quiet voice just now, so I thought Hajime-kun was here. (looks around) Anyhow, why have these dolls that were placed here, so scattered around [reword later/thesaurus]? Furthermore, this/And this strange doll with blond hair, I don't remember seeing it earlier.  

Toudou: What is this, a doll of Kazama? There's even one of one of Sano-san, but why isn't there one of these odd dolls of you or me, Souji?

(Heisuke pokes Kazama's head)

Kazama: You bastard......! The only one in the world who is allowed to touch me, is my wife...!

Harada: Come on, don't talk, just be patient!

Souji: These two figures look very much like Hijikata-san and Hajime-kun... Come look at them, they look pretty funny/interesting~

(Souji pokes Hijikata's head)

Hijikata:………………！！！！

Saito:…………！

Okita: Nn? I seemed to have heard something strange?

Harada: Well since these are Hijikata-san's things, if you play around too much with them, he'll get super angry~

Souji: That's right. But, if we just leave them here like this, isn't it likely for that cat to play around with them [reword later]?

Heisuke: It's as you say though since they were already left in a mess, maybe that cat messed them up [reword later].

Souji: In that case, why don't we just put them all into a box? They can be also put into a closet where the cat won't be able to reach them.

Saito: ………………What!?

Harada: If that happens, won't we be unable to move!?

Hijikata: This bastard/guy, he just had to come up with such a rotten idea right now!

Heisuke: Let's hold onto them for the time being then. Anyway, we still need to come back later and give give the report for our patrol. At the time, we can return these to Hijikata-san.

Souji: You're not thinking about taking these back to your room to prank them because you're upset about the faces of these dolls, right [i think? reword later]?

Heisuke: This idea of yours won't be any good/You're the only one who would come up with such a bad idea... well, then I'll take the Sano-san and Kazama dolls for to hold onto for safekeeping.

Kazama: Kuh......! Things are getting more and more complicated...

--To be continued...?---

[leniinero]

5:18am 1/23/2022 99 Luftballons-Nena Mood: Pensive **As a 15 some year user of LiveJournal, I tend to update my blogs here as such* I tried 4x to update this blog (see last post) and Im at half a mind to just start a new blog to keep more personal because as that was the original intention job nof this one, I've unfortunately let myself open. I can no longer continue to do that. But here I am.   I've been trying to be consistent with keeping this blog updated, if anything for posterity. I've been so busy attempting to work on my mental health and then with school and my hand I haven't had time to process that I've already been back home a month. It seems like less, but sometimes more. It looks and feels so different from when I left  7 years ago. I left July 2014 with a broken heart, no money, broken trust, and no stability. Of course minor work experience. I moved to Virginia with the only plan in mind was to finish school so I can go to college, my lifelong dream was either in NY or LA, I knew that, but for the time being I had to stay in VA, until I at least finished school and got some kind of tech degree. (about 2/3 years). Seems like something right? I did the opposite. On top of that, The support system I should of had turned out to be a dud and that's me putting it nicely. I didnt have anyone to talk to, turn to or confide in. I ended up paying therapy for nothing and had no stable place to live the entire time I was there. The only upsides I had was a little girl I met at a job I had named Layla and my dear friend Chloe. (Eventually I got my cat Nala, that was my only upside in the last few months I was there)   I left Virginia because I had no choice, I was living in a raggedy ass motel that's probably older than my parents surrounded by drug dealers,  ex-cons and trash. Guys, this is the part of my celebrity memoir that's gonna make it a best seller. On top of that, my landlord was an 80 something year old man who'd constantly sexually harass me and had me cornered in his room, in the kitchen and in well...everywhere and dont get me started on the bed bugs. I moved to Texas as a last ditch effort to get my shit together....and 3 years went by and all I did was become more depressed, raggedy and do nothing but work for nothing. Cause the money I made even with 2 raises was trash. Then they cut my hours for the dumbest reason (which I still dont believe) and I spent 4 months doing what? Working part time and never catching up with anything, I didnt even have time to organize my paperwork and properly explain before I left. They seemed genuinely sad to see me leave, yet since I've been gone they've been acting shady and claiming they dont owe me OT when they know damn well I used to come on weekends and stay after 5pm for like 2 yrs at least. I still havent gotten my last paycheck. And like I said, it's been over a month.   Cant even call the clinic. cause you'd think, a medical facility, would have their phones ON.    Ok, now Im mad.   I'll be back.  10:08am

[seijch]

ANNOUNCEMENT: NOT A HELLO, BUT NOT A GOODBYE EITHER

omg hi ... im like . ashamed to come back after saying brief hiatus in october and then disappearing off the face of the earth til FEBRUARY but under the cut i will be explaining myself and the following, if youre interested (and a tl;dr at the very bottom if you don’t wanna scroll thru this obnoxiously long post):

the reason(s) i was gone for so long

what i was doing during that time (its just a personal account yall can scroll past this idrc)

the status of those um . halloween requests

the future of this account

i. so . Hiatus .

i know. i know . i probably mentioned it when i made the announcement post, but my mental health likes to go on one of those rides. yknow the ones where you go like up rlly fast then down maybe and then up then DOWN .... its like that. i needed a break and every time i wanted to come back or thought about it, something would happen and i would get stuck in my own head.

a big reason for getting stuck in my head was (and i hate to admit this ... i hate to admit that i have Insecurities On The Internet) my feelings of inadequacy regarding my writing. i love to plot fics, i love concepts and characters and making little headcanons but i dont ... know if i love writing rn. and i thought for the longest time that like . whatever ill just push thru it its fine ill be fine but it kinda wasnt lmao you can kinda see it in my halloween reqs and what become of them when i get to that but i began to feel like nothing i had put out or would put out would hold up prose wise (and normally i dont feel like this im much more “idc its my life im living it” but thats not a rant for tumblr LMAO). i still feel like that -- like im better as a reader than a writer. but . You Know :-)

tl;dr: mental state go brrrrr

ii. anywhere here’s wonderwall

when i left, i was in a steadily decreasing mental and emotional state, made worse by a situation at work that really was a case of petty jealousy on my end and rlly isnt very consequential now despite how much pain and resentment it gave me when it Was a problem so i wont get into it. the tl;dr of november and december was me using work as an crutch and distraction -- i know my job, i do it well, it helped me not think about my responsibilities and obligations and inadequacies. of course, as the holiday season grew busier n busier i was scheduled so often that i moved 88 or so miles (according to my apple watch, which i ONLY wear at work since im never anywhere else outside my house) and fell into a cycle of showering n sleeping at my house before going back the next day. (theres definitely something to be said abt capitalism and “grind culture” here but once again its not the time or place snsjkdfds)

at the turn of the new year, i happened to remember a birthday card i hadnt filed away for safekeeping from a friend of mine that id been horribly out of touch with til that point. i started crying because i realized how out of touch id been in general up until that point. the month of january was great for me: i was focused, happy, and in a much better place than i had been before. the end of it brought me down focus wise and im hoping that enough time away from my distractions will refocus me bc i ... need it LMAO and though ive burned out from that level of productivity and gotten distracted again im ... trying to stay positive which i think is the most i can do 😁👍🏼

media wise, i got real into stardew valley (but burned out bc i played it extensively as a way to wind down after work), the pokemon platinum romhack renegade platinum (still havent finished it bc of school n i played it w the intent to see if i could nuzlocke it ... bitch its so hard but its so fun bc of it), briefly assassins creed: odyssey (im one of those ppl who completes an entire region before i move to the next so you can tell i burned out of that one + wouldnt have the time to properly devote to it even if i didnt), got back into genshin impact after pulling for xiao (after not touching it for like . months), and danganronpa. yes . danganronpa 😐 i Know. i stopped playing it after the second trial of the first game bc i was so hurt by the outcome and picked it up in late january only to get sucked in (thank god i had the foresight to buy the second and third games during the steam winter sale). rn im at the start of chapter 4 if anyone wants to come in my asks and um . talk to me abt danganronpa

tl;dr: I’m Into Danganronpa Now

iii. you realize halloween was three months ago right

i mentioned this in the first section, but i love to plot things. every request is plotted or at least has a solid foundation. i had fun detailing what concept i wanted to go with considering what i was given, and there were some bangers i might touch up in the future. but heres whats going to happen to the requests themselves:

there are two finished requests. one will be posted tomorrow and the other will be touched up (just bc i finished it doesnt mean its good 🧍‍♂️) and scheduled for next saturday. as for the ones i never got around to ...

i will not be finishing those requests. i hate to be That Person, but i feel like we all expected this 🧍‍♂️ what i will do is post all of my notes for each request in batches -- requests that have an @ to go with them will be mentioned in the post proper, but anon asks will be pictured. (there are some asks that came from blogs who are now deactivated but i wrote down all the prompts and remember most of those askers so ill cross that bridge when i get there) there will most likely be an excerpt or two simply bc i think i mightve written a few plot points or interactions in the form of bullet points. i rlly am sorry about doing this but i remember looking at my notion doc with all the prompts and feeling ... like i wasnt measuring up n it wasnt just to myself or to some intangible concept of “other” id constructed but it was instead to those who requested n actually WANTED to see and hear and read my writing and i ...... im gonna admit thats another big reason i avoided this site.

regardless, youll definitely get what i have (and likely more than just my bullet points and illegible handwriting).

tl;dr: im sorry. what i have in terms of plot, concept, and interaction for every request will be posted, but i cant say ill ever complete them and mean it.

iv. so what now?

well i mean . im not entirely sure how sold i am on haikyuu in the content creation department (as a creator n to a lesser extent, as a consumer). as mentioned previously, its no longer my primary focus. it doesnt mean im not into haikyuu anymore; i have a lot of love for those boys but i cant rlly say im even caught up w recent fandom activity and also havent even finished s4 pt2 LMAO thats on my to do list

and despite all that, i still want to share my plots n concepts and snippets and maybe even fics. it wont happen anytime soon. it might not even happen. but i mean . its better than me saying i wont write ever again shjdkfs but either way ill probably use this blog as a personal blog w the occasional ask game for dialogue prompts (those are always so fun i love making up aus to fit like . the most mundane prompts)

as for my works (past and any potential future), ive opened an ao3 acc here n ill be editing n possibly expanding on my old works to post there. tumblr, to me, is The x reader hub, but i figure more x reader fics on ao3 is never a bad thing.

ill be deleting/posting drafted posts to the queue since they were all meant to be queued anyway as well as (sorry again 🧍‍♂️) deleting or answering asks in the inbox. (moots if you get a notif from me saying i rbed your post from months ago ... mind your business) im very hard to get ahold of and its ... a problem. expect an overhaul of the nav n shit to reflect my new direction n also because i feel like i cant tell if my passion for carrd is shared by the majority HSDKLFS maybe its better to read my info in a normal post ykwim .......

and of course . if youve read all this n decided im no longer worth the follow, i sure as hell cant stop you. thank you for wanting to, at some point, hear what i have to say -- it means more than you think.

tl;dr: writing will be edited and reposted to ao3, this blog will be a personal blog with a hint of writing (sometimes)

the tl;dr to end all tl;drs:

im back! i wont be as active as i used to due to a lessened interest in haikyuu in general, but i have an ao3 acc now where all my past work will be edited, possibly expanded, and reposted. any future work will also find itself there. my halloween requests will be posted in batches as incomplete concepts, plots, and snippets of scenes; i wont be promising to finish any of them.

there are still fic concepts im attached to and want to finish, but i cant promise any more writing on my end. this blog will be a personal blog with maybe writing, not a writing blog with my personal thoughts all over it.

regardless if you stick around or not, its been crazy sexy cool (equal emphasis) being on haikyuu tumblr even tho i wasnt around for long ... even tho its not my main focus anymore, im still excited to see what the future might hold 🤝

love, ari 💌

[gracereadstoomanybooks]

answering questions I’ve been asked on TikTok✨

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QUESTION: how did you get into reading?

So, when I was in middle school (many moons ago) we had this thing called AR Testing. Basically, you read a book and take a test on it—the questions were things that happened in the book, it was really simple. If you got a good grade, you got points. The more points you earned, the more eligible you were for the reading party at the end of each semester. Me, being the nerd I am, got top of my class because I went through 8th grade level books like it was nothing. The librarian at my school brought me books from the high school to read since everything was easy for me, and alas, my addiction began. And now that I have adult money, it’s a true addiction. Also, telling my father “I’m bored” and his response being, “go read a book or something” so thanks dad.

QUESTION: what’s one book you ALWAYS recommend to people?

This one is tough because I’ve read THOUSANDS of books, but if I had to choose one, it would probably be Confess by Colleen Hoover. I fell in love with her work in high school when I first read Ugly Love, but Confess is the type of book that pulls at your heart strings, y’all. It has everything people love: humor, sexual tension, drama, love. GO BUY THE DAMN BOOK. Or honestly any book by Colleen Hoover—she’s a fucking amazing author.

QUESTION: outside of making TikToks, what do you do for a living?

I currently work at a restaurant and hate every second of it. If anyone tells you to become a server, DONT. It’s not worth the hassle, I promise you. Sure, you can make decent money but the amount of rude customers and shitty tips you receive each shift is very disheartening. If you really need a job, do anything BUT work in the food industry.

QUESTION: what’s your wattpad story about?

First question: which one? I have about 30 drafts sitting there waiting to be posted. But, I’m going to assume you’re talking about the Harry Styles fan fiction I’ve been working on for the past 4 years and haven’t had the courage to post. I’ll tell you a little about it: Elaine Aldridge is forced into a betrothal to a man she’s never met & loathes. She goes to his court and realizes things aren’t what they truly seem. And the guard her future husband sticks on her??? None other than Mr. Harry Styles. Add in some magic & deaths and you’ve got my story— The First Prince. (Honestly, that’s an extremely shitty description so if you wanna check it out go to my wattpad account)

QUESTION: how old are you?

Ahem. . . twenty-one.

QUESTION: what is your dream career?

Being a published author and having people rave about my books. That’s all. Or, an editor for a publishing company. Imagine reading all day and being paid for it🤩

QUESTION: what was your least favorite read of 2020?

I already KNOW I’m gonna get shit for this but....... the wicked king. YALL I LITERALLY COULDNT GET THROUGH IT IM SO SORRY, I STILL HAVENT FINISHED IT

QUESTION: current favorite author?

Sarah. J. Maas. I don’t know what it is about her writing style, but it’s addicting. Throne of Glass is hands down the best series I’ve ever read. A Court of Thorns and Roses is the first book I’ve EVER reread. Her stories truly suck you in and hold onto you—you get lost so easily in her writing and it’s like once you’re done with a series, nothing will compare. Or, at least that’s how I felt after finishing Kingdom of Ash. Honorable mentions: Jennifer L. Armentrout, Penelope Douglas, L.J Shen, Elle Kennedy and Kennedy Fox.

QUESTION: any recommendations/tips to give to a new reader?

I’ve always given this advice to people who want to get into reading: find what you like and start with that. If you like romance, I’ve got a list for you to choose from. Mystery? Another list. Sci-fi? I GOT YOU. Fantasy? Yes! Sports fiction? It might take me a second but I’ll find you a book. Nonfiction? I’m zero help in that category, honestly. The point of the matter is that you’re never going to enjoy a book if you aren’t interested in the underlying topics.

QUESTION: do you ever find yourself comparing your life to fictional life?

Yes. All the time. I daydream about being apart of the Inner Circle and living in Terrasen with Aelin and Rowan. I think about what it would be like to have real powers and a mate. It drives my boyfriend crazy—but he loves me anyway.

QUESTION: what are your most anticipated books of 2021?

Here’s a list:

A Court of Silver Flames by Sarah J. Maas

The Crown of Gilded Bones by Jennifer L. Armentrout

Gods and Monsters by Shelby Mahurin

Crescent City 2 (Untitled) by Sarah J. Maas

A Vow So Bold and Deadly by Brigid Kemmerer (I just ordered this one & it arrives tomorrow)

Blessed Monsters by Emily A. Duncan

QUESTION: why did you start a Tumblr?

Honestly, I used to love tumblr when I was in grade school (way too young to be on here then but what else is new). I like having an extra space to get my questions and comments out without having to compress it into a 60 second video for TikTok to see. Tumblr is a good place to blog & post things like this.

QUESTION: what’s your favorite song right now?

I’ve listened to Carry You by Novo Amor every day for the past two months and I cry each time.

QUESTION: why write Harry Styles fan fiction?

Simple: I love Harry Styles. I’ve been a fan of him and One Direction since they were on X FACTOR. Read that again. X. Factor. I used to watch their performances on YouTube before WMYB even came out. Of course, I love all of the 1D boys but I was always a Harry gal. And I look up to him in a way—I’ve read things about people wishing they knew him personally and honestly? I would never want to meet him. I like the version of him I’ve cooked up in my brain over the past 10 years. I like the symbiotic relationship I have with his music. Fine Line is a ✨masterpiece✨. HS1 is a ✨work of art✨.

now, some topics I’ve been asked way too many times and want to finally get to:

QUESTION: political views?

the saying “anyone but trump” has been in my brain for the past four years. No, I’m not a republican. No, I’m not a democrat. I like to think of myself as a progressive (ahem, liberal) Did I vote for a democratic candidate? Yes, and I’d do it again and again until the US isn’t one of the worst countries—I’m sorry, businesses— to be apart of. I wanted Bernie but got Biden, and I’m alright with that. And my girl Kamala🥳

QUESTION: how did you feel about the BLM protests?

I went to multiple BLM protests and donated a lot of funds to BLM & other organizations. It’s 2021, people... stop being fucking RACIST. And don’t be afraid to call racist people out! Black Lives Matter, even if no one is posting about it anymore.

QUESTION: thoughts on abortion?

your body your choice, queen! not my uterus, not my problem.

QUESTION: there was a comment on an old video of yours talking about r*pe, why did you delete the comment?

I made a video when I first started my account on TikTok about reading in public and feeling “turned on” by it. Go watch it if you don’t know what I’m talking about. BUT, some ignorant male decided to comment and say “this is how girls get r*ped”. Whew. So. I deleted the comment because ....

I am a victim of sexual assault. Along with a lot of other women. 1 in 5 women have been victims of sexual assault. Talking about being r*ped isn’t funny.

No one else needed to see his comment. I reported it immediately and his account was shut down.

I never got justice for what happened to me, and the fact that some random male—who had never even met me or seen me before my video showed up on his FYP—had the nerve to comment that? Unacceptable.

this question isn’t as controversial but

QUESTION: what’s the best way to get out of a toxic relationship?

okay, let me just start off by saying that the people around you who love and support you are going to be your backbone. Leaving a toxic situation is hard, and every situation is different, but my best piece of advice to offer you is don’t be afraid to ask for help. Your loved ones are going to be there for you when you need them, even if you don’t believe they will. If you explain what’s happening, someone you know and love will drop whatever it is their doing to make sure you get out safely. good luck my babes.

now, back to our regularly scheduled program:

QUESTION: any tips on making tiktoks?

Literally none. I post what I think is funny and relatable and if anyone agrees, I’m satisfied. Even if it’s one view, it’s good enough for me. So I guess my one tip is to not base your life off of an app and followers.

QUESTION: favorite Harry Styles fanfic?

DONT MAKE ME CHOOSE. Duplicity is up there, along with Stall 1&2, and Kiwi. After? Absolutely not.

QUESTION: favorite WEBTOON?

y’all already KNOW. LORE OLYMPUS BY USEDBANDAID. Rachel is a genius and I have reread the series a million times. Hades is my soulmate and Apollo can rot in the fiery pits of the Underworld. also, if we’re talking about other webcomics, reading Walk on Water on mangadex...🤫

QUESTION: favorite movie?

Howls Moving Castle. I will be getting my “a heart is a heavy burden” tattoo very very soon.

QUESTION: I read your Elain theory on tumblr, can you explain a little more?

I thought I was pretty straightforward but I’ll say it again: she is always the “good” one and it’s too suspicious. SJM has already given one Archeron sister a happy ending, Nesta’s is obviously inevitable, but Elain? She has too many options for a happy ending. Lucien, who is her “mate”. Azriel, who is intrigued by her slightly. Her human guy—I don’t remember his name—who is disgusted that she’s not human anymore. Or, alone, planting flowers all day. BUT! My point is that she’s not truly happy. She was forced into the Cauldron just like Nesta. She was ripped away from the life she loved so dearly and didn’t want to give up. The man she was going to marry now hates her guts because she’s a High Fae. She has the perfect set up for a villain plot line and I’m all here for it.

well, that’s all I feel like doing tonight. hope you enjoyed my little q&a! be kind, and talk to you later! byeeee!

[flyingcookierambles]

study plans?

recently i feel like my friend going to japanese college has motivated me to try to start studying japanese again. plus some spontaneous chinese here and there, more vocab/pronunciation/tone focused rather than grammar right now.

ended up a kinda long ramble lol, ill cut it up into two pieces.

i literally do daily: 1 duolingo so the owl doesnt hunt me down like the weak prey i am (any language)

i try to do once a day: 1 or 2 anki decks for vocab. for japanese i use many: JLPT N4, Genki 1 & 2 Including Genki Supplementary Vocab,  Core 2k/6K Optimized Japanese Vocabulary, 2500 Most-Used kanji. For Chinese I use the HSK level 1/2/3 word list. these are seperate, just a pain to type lol. i dont use wanikani actually lol. the renaming of radicals annoyed/confused me, who was forced to learn the names of the very proper strokes in high school chinese lol. plus having no assessment test and having to start over from the very beginning and then getting the simplest kanji wrong because i remember the radical by its shape or a stroke by its proper chinese name and not a silly american name (no i did not learn this character is actually wearing a hat or a pot lid. thats weird.), i just got kinda annoyed and went back to simple anki flashcards lol.

3-4 times a week: going over 2-4 grammar concept from genki 2 so far. partly because when i was studying with my 2 friends over the summer we were doing a cramming thing for our friend to to get up to standards of the college they were transferring to, now attending. as a result, we uhh. kinda skipped over basically all vocab. only did the grammar, and sometimes not even all the grammar. we skipped over really simple stuff (ie the volitionary form which is just slapping a ~ou/おう at the end of things) and the stuff that was just -te form + some extra words. so i���m finally properly going over that stuff in full, alone. plus im rewriting/digitizing my notes in onenote bc pencil and pen kinda smear/fade over time so this will just be better if i want to go to my notes for reference in the future. the ease of searching by control+f is also nice compared to flipping thru pages in confusion. i also feel like my learning style is def repetitive related, so going over things a second time works for me. (for japanese im using using genki 2/the genki 2 track on bunpro.jp. (this website is incredible and for the most part free. even if you want the premium sub version, the cheapest sub plan is $2 a month! while i dont have it, i did do the free trial when i first signed up and it was ok and you can totally do the free version and get all the barebones japanese grammar explanations from like 4 different textbooks) when/if i ever finish genki 2, ill just check out the minna no nihongo track on bunpro, more to see if there’s any grammar that gets covered in that one that genki doesnt have. if they’re just the same but a different order or something, ill just move on to the tobira track since its the intro to real intermediate japanese grammar.) i might check out the free textbook irodori, more out of curiosity than seriousness honestly. iroiro uses a different fluency grading system than the common JLPT N5-1 levels, iroiro uses the Common European Framework of Reference for Languages: Learning, Teaching, Assessment, or CERFL. Since im focusing on the JLPT N level standards and these are totally different curriculums and stuff, im not sure how helpful irodori will be to me at this point but ill look at it because its a free textbook. when i try to relearn chinese again ill dig out my integrated chinese textbooks (goodreads), only intermediate since i seem to have lost my beginner editions somewhere in my house between moving from college dorm to house every summer ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ . i might check out the all set learning site, it seems to both HSK and CERFL. ill probably review the HSK 1-2 stuff real quick since thats basically what i learned in high school/college and i kinda forget a lot since its been like 6 years now. then ill maybe hopefully finally get to HSK 3. ill try to watch videos from yoyochinese on youtube too. she explains things really clearly and helpfully to native english speakers in a way that my previous teachers havent been able to. ill stick to the youtube tho since ive heard that the actual courses from her website are very expensive for online self study tho, and purchasing a regular textbook would be cheaper lol. 

once a week: try to use words from anki decks + whatever grammar i learned in practice sentences/make up sentences yourself. this is a bit hard bc since im self studying if my sentences end up wrong/sounding awkward to a native speaker i am not really sure how to check lol. i’m on polyglot.city (a mastodon instance focused on language learning/blogging) and i post there sometimes and people have helped me/rated my sentences every now and then but recently its been very slow. (japanese, altho i hope that i regain enough of my mandarin skills to do this again sometime)

every 2 weeks: after accumulating grammar for a bit, i try to read a grade/language level appropriate short story in the language. (hint: the level of a toddler probably lol.) for japanese i started using satori reader, altho other short story apps exist. for chinese there’s du chinese and tcb/the chairman’s bao. honestly i use du chinese just because im too lazy to make an account for tcb, altho i may finally make an account and use it one day. one day..... (japanese and chinese)

for japanese i just want to get to tobira right now and then long term is simply reaching what is probably jlpt n3, the typical not quite fluent but still ok enough to conduct business or ask a native speaker for help in a convenience store. kinda eh, a good middle intermediate level. from that point, i should be ok enough to try to read a YA novel. no not a light novel (might try it tho) but like a regular novel for middle schoolers. or maybe doremon? ill see where it goes from there. i hope to at least be able to understand some of the things an average person would like a weather forecast on the nhk or a short newspaper article. maybe ill take the actual jlpt test someday.....not sure how to sign up/where to find it in my city tho....

for chinese, i just want to know more vocab and improve my tones/pronunciation right now. 

[thedankfaerie]

i am posting this here because i am tired of burdening my boyfriend with my feelings. this is a little nsfw. and this is my call for help. i dont know who to talk to anymore about this.

i need someone to hear what i feel

or at least, a free space to say what i feel 

im in a low place. i feel so awful about myself and my body and i hate this feeling. i hate that this time last year, i was so happy about the way i looked. i was working this awful job that had me so overworked and overtired and poorly treated that i skipped meals and slept through meals regularly... i lost so much weight from stress in just a year and was the skinniest i had ever been. mentally, i was not in a good place being exploited by my managers... but my self esteem re: my body was at a new level i never knew could exist for me.

last year, i felt powerful and confident about my body, and i expressed that through sexuality. i was fucking my ex that i still liked (i grew out of wanting him back, but he never did, and it was nice to have the upper hand). i was also fucking an old fwb that i stayed friends with, that was also recently single, so we reunited again at the perfect time. i was also seeing this one guy (now my boyfriend) so if ever i got tired of the sex i at least was able to calm down and settle down with someone who genuinely wanted to know me. of course, i ended up catching feelings for this guy, and cut off the other two to pursue something more serious (we are now dating and are moving in together next month!) anyways, it was so nice to be wanted. to feel... i guess sexy? sex is empowering. and it shouldn’t be taboo to say that as a woman, or anyone really. i dont want to give off the message that a woman’s validation is fueled by men’s desire - but hey, don’t you feel flattered when someone thinks you’re attractive? desire and lust aren’t everything... but they matter. and they have an impact on how you feel about yourself, whether or not you believe me when i say that is up to you. 

 and i hate that i would gladly put myself through the stress that i did just to feel happy about my body. before the summer ended, i finally had enough and i quit my shitty job. i was jobless for a month, but was able to enjoy the rest of the summer with my new ‘skinny’ body - last year i took my first bikini picture ... a 2 piece! i have never done that. i still think about how happy i was that summer to look and feel good about myself. 

i have struggled with self esteem issues since highschool. i always felt like i was too big. i used to follow all these blogs of pretty people and try to copy their poses to feel pretty and i used to spend hours after school trying on short dresses and clothes to stare at my body in the mirror. i used to starve myself to the point of literally wanting to faint on the daily, until finally i admitted it to one of my teachers. she respectfully asked if i wanted to speak with the school guidance counsellor, and i declined. but she encouraged me to speak up to at least a friend, so i did, and it helped, and for a long time, i was okay. after i graduated that teacher still checked up on me for a few years every now and again.

4th year university was when i realized how much i had let myself go. i was the heaviest i had ever been, it was my graduating year, i was looking for a job and was always worried about my grades. every time i was stressed or every time i needed to study i bought pad thai and bubble tea. a ritual. i didnt realize how much that had caught up to me until i saw old pictures of myself. at this point, i started my (shitty) job, straight out of graduation.

i actively avoided scales, i didn’t like looking at the number because it just made me upset. and i already felt upset looking in the mirror, i didn’t need something else to make me upset. but i did. and i was 20 pounds heavier than i was in highschool - the heaviest i had ever been.

i cried.

i didnt do much about it. i was too busy. my first job out of uni was a brand new daycare and i was head teacher of a toddler class - also i was the only staff on floor since there were not as many kids. there was nobody to train me, at all. i had to teach myself everything. i had no time. 

a little while before starting the job, i met this guy. he was so hot, but such a dick - we had a “thing” but it was so toxic. he started off interested in me, but i turned him down. his attitude changed and he started being a douche, but we became friends because we were seeing each other so often. i didn’t have a car yet. he was driving me everywhere. he lived 5 minutes away. he was the type of friend that would text me “im outside, lets go out”. we hung out as friends at first, we would have “study dates”, until we started hooking up. we acted like a thing but he denied we were ever one - but got mad at me whenever i tried to look elsewhere. but i guess in that time, it was nice to be wanted, especially by someone so attractive. 

but again, a year in that shithole job went by fast. i would stay late after work. i would come in on weekends. i was expected to not only help new kids transition, but train new partners. and given that my supers refused to support me, i watched a lot of people quit due to pressure. i had to keep retraining. and kids kept coming. that never stopped. i can honestly say my class wasn’t settled until december, and i started in september. everyday it was ‘its fine, it will get better’. 

a year in that shithole, with 0 support, and i lost all the weight i gained - and more. i was the skinniest i had ever been. even in highschool. i looked at old pictures of myself from when i started the job at my heaviest. i couldnt believe that was me. and i was so happy looking at myself in the mirror. for once! 

after i quit that job, i started another job that i hoped would be a happy ending.

and it wasn’t. it stressed me out just as much. i also moved out by this point, a month after i started this job. my hours are whack. 7-9, 11:30-6. i woke up early and got home late. i never had free time. my last shift at my old job was 7-3:30 and i had the whole day to myself. im someone that needs social interaction and alone time, and by the time i got home i was so tired, i would just cook, clean, shower, and go to bed. and that was my life. sometimes i would get so tired that i couldn’t cook, i just went and ate out. i tried to make personal time with my friends after work but by the time i reached their house, it was late, and places were closed. and id have to leave early anyways because i had work early the next day... so fast food was the only way to make this work. on top of this, this was the most difficult class that i had ever had. the kids behaviours’ were so difficult and i couldn’t handle it. i would cry in my car 3x a week. i would cry 4 minutes before my shift starts in the washroom and walk out and pretend i was okay. i would have my boyfriend come over as much as i could just so i could cry in his arms. i couldnt leave this job because i had just moved out and having a consistent rent payment was a huge responsibility for me. as well, if you know anything about ECEs in canada, just know we make shit pay. but this job pays me better than most ECE jobs... by a landslide. AND gives me benefits, which is so hard to find. i am still at this job - i was at my breaking point at the time covid started, so i was rejoicing when we closed for covid. i havent worked since march, but i needed that time off so desperately. 

with that being said, i gained the weight back.

not everything, but i definitely could tell i was packing on some pounds.

cue covid.

i havent worked since march. i fell back into a lazy routine of ordering fast food. lying in bed. resting. just enjoying NOT dealing with my difficult class. 

but i gained it all back. and i think im back at my heaviest weight. i picked up all my summer clothes from last year from my moms... half of them dont fit me. my favourite pair of shorts won’t close. i just sat and cried in a mess of clothes on my floor in front of the mirror. this was last week.

im trying to tell myself, ‘you’re in the middle of a global pandemic, go easy on yourself’... but do you know what it’s like to finally get what you’re chasing, and have it be taken away from you? i finally had a taste of what it was like to look AND feel good about myself. something ive wanted since i was a teenager...and it’s gone. it’s my fault and i accept that, so please don’t tell me i did this to myself. i know i did. but i can still be upset about it. i look in the mirror and i try to suck my stomach in and pretend nothing changed but its not the same. i see old pictures of myself, especially that bikini pic. ironically, i captioned it “i will never have the confidence to take a bikini pic again”... and here we are. i look at the clothes i wore last year and remember how fucking good i felt wearing them. i try putting them back on and seeing my stomach bulging and my arms looking fat and my love handles, something i didn’t see last year. and i just take them off and opt to wear something frumpier that doesnt hug my figure.

i try to tell people about how i feel but i cant take those ‘love yourself and all your flaws’ campaigns seriously. i dont think i can listen to another ‘you have to just keep faking it until you make it and if u just tell urself ur beautiful u will feel beautiful!’

because if you’re me, you know you cant kid yourself. if you’re me you can’t ‘love every flaw’. you fixate on them. and you let them define you. and if youre me, flaws are all you see.

i hate myself for getting back to this point. 

i have a very supportive boyfriend that knows about all this, who is trying to actively get me to go on runs with him. we are trying to go for walks more and be out and about. he reminds me of little things, like if we are getting bubbletea he will suggest i go with less sugar. he is trying, we are trying. and i appreciate him so much.

today i complained in my car about this to my boyfriend, again. for the millionth time. and he still was supportive. but i just feel like i cant keep doing this to him. he said something today, which i think was him trying to give me a reality check to show me that i cant just wish i could starve myself and overwork myself to lose weight and call it a day... but it stung. he said “i don’t want to be with someone that’s not healthy. i have standards too” and i realized then he deserves so much better than to fucking babysit my complaining ass. i am 24. and i shouldnt be putting this on him. he is an adult with problems just as real as mine and i shouldnt be burdening him with this anymore. 

im scared to talk to him about how that comment made me feel, because he’s so right, and he has every right to leave me. i would honestly. the amount that i worry and fixate on all my flaws and complain and have crying breakdowns about this is not fucking normal. and it shouldnt be his problem. i just want him to be with someone that doesnt give him this baggage. he met me in my ‘prime’ days when i just started getting my skinny body last year. when we finally started dating, we were super sexually active. and i mean, having sex like 15 times a week. im not kidding. now we havent had sex in almost an entire month. i dont feel sexy anymore and its impacting my sex drive.. he tries to start it with me and i just can’t because i feel like he is probably repulsed by my body. this is a huge huge huge problem, seeing as sex was a huge part of our relationship (we are very emotionally in tune with one another, but sex was a great addon because we both love it so much). i hate the way i look without clothes on. i cant bring myself to do it because it makes me feel like shit about myself.

but we are moving in together next month. and that is a huge step. and i am worried that i will never change, and he’s going to feel like he’s stuck with me because he’s moving 40 minutes away from his hometown to live with me. i almost want us to break up so he can be with someone with less baggage but i also love him and i want to be better for him and for us. 

someone please help me. 

[blelight]

yo so ive wanted to organise my shit for a while now

blog 1: @blelight this is my main blog where i post about voltron legendary disappointment until i get into a new fandom where i get as obsessed as i was of vld back when i started watching in s3

i post marvel here. i also post memes and co. i was thinking of making a marvel blog but ive already posted so much marvel stuff in this one it just seems like a lot of work, but hey maybe i will do it.i also occasionally(read:rarely) post adventure time but i havent watched it yet everything i know about this show other than the lgbt part, is from when i used to watch it, on tv when i was younger.

blog 2: @jasonsabscankillme you know i used that name because???? i needed a name and told my self that i would change it some day, this just sounds like im thirsty. and straight. anyway this is my percy jackson and co. blog i havent read the kane chronicles or the magnus chase stuff and hmmmm... i had a weird phase where i shipped jason and percy and i blame it on that one fanfiction myfriend sent to me but im back on my percabeth bs

blog 3: @yoi-on-ice, i meant to also change this ones name coz i started posting no.6 content on here too but i couldnt think of a name. right so this is for yuri  on ice, no. 6 and just any anime content that i dont have a blog for like lets say i saw spirited away, but i didnt like it that much that i decided to make a blog for it, and since i barely come across any no.6/ yuri on ice content, this is also an anime blog 

blog 4: @haikyuu-are-a-dumbass obviously my haikyuu blog. i dont really have much to it, ig i ship anything really its all so cute you know. ive also started reading the manga and altho im just in chapter 30 something i might start live blogging idk

blog 5: @mygentlemanwerewolfremus this is my harry potter blog. i dont really ship anything but wolfstar, but you’re mostly looking for shit posts on this blog. im also looking to change this ones name its way too long.

blog 6: @devil-mancrybaby this is my blog for dcmb but i was thinking that i should also post other dark themed anime content, because theres barely any fan service in this fandom. at least what ive come across. so ill mostly be posting death note and tokyo ghoul there also.

blog 7: @avatarkiyoshii i literally named it this because wtf why are they no available names for this, altho i made this a year ago and im 100 percent sure i barely tried lmao fml anyway i post avatar; the last airbender and legend of korra. again looking to change the url

blog 8: @she-ra-proncess this is obviously my she ra blog, one of my top 3 most active blogs, altho its mostly shitposts.

blog 9: @dragonpronce my other blog thats in my top 3 most active. this is for my the dragon prince content. 

blog 10: @bnhx this is for my boku no hero academia content. the girls are absolute sweet hearts and badasses so expect a lot of them 

blog 11: @bananafieh  i post bf content oon here altho its very rare but i still do post 

blog 12: @carmen-sand (bruh idk if this links to my blog omg for my recentblogs i havent edited them, no icons and shit im going to do that right after i post this) this is for carmen sandiego. its a new show. sorta 

blog 13: @mobpsycho100000000  this is for mob psycho 100. its an anime

blog 14: @freeeeee-eee bruh i honestly dont think ive posted anything here, but this is for the anime free, might delete later 

blog 15: @onepunchgenos this is for the anime one punch man, it has a lot less fan content than i expected but whatever, maybe im not searching properly.

(i made this a few months ago and got too lazy to upload it so i just pasted it on word and moved on, i found it again, and finally decided to post it coz i honestly dont know what blogs i own but from 3 months ago)

[avpdpunpun]

i disappeared for 3/4ths a year here’s an update?

its been 4 months since my queue ran out and way longer since i wrote an actual post. 8 months about? i think i last posted when i impulse quit a job that was bad for my mental health and just kept getting worse.

sometimes i wonder when ppl who blog about mental illness disappear if they’ve died. there was a big user i used to follow who did, and i still occasionally think about it sometimes, so i figure its nice to post updates sometimes. and being able to look back on posts ive written and reflect on them/what state of mind i was in can be helpful even if it can be embarrassing/dangerous because its so easy to fall back into those thinking habits 

after quitting my job i did basically nothing for 6 months haha. at some point i managed to clean out my room which i had done the bare minimum on for years because of depression, took out more built up trash than i thought was possible to fit into my small space. its disgusting but the only thing i struggle to keep up with now at least is vacuuming and putting clothes away so my space is a lot cleaner and it makes me happier. your living space can really have an effect on your mood bless you marie kondo

after my post about having an anxiety attack taking my test i got my drivers license in march. i saw the same lady again after going somewhere else and i think she just let me pass because she felt bad haha. i never finished drivers ed and i still get anxiety about driving unfamiliar routes but my skills and confidence have improved a lot. i managed to drive 2 hours to a big city to visit a friend! i literally didnt have a choice in getting my license, but its still something i can be proud of. like, when i have to explain it to people, it feels extremely shitty that i didnt get it until i was 20, and only about 5 months ago too but... for someone who struggles as much as me, i have to be proud of it my small accomplishments or i’ll have nothing.

at some point something in my brain just snapped and i literally havent been able to cry? for a long time in those 6 months i felt like i was right on the edge of breaking down mentally but never actually crossing that line and it was honestly one of the weirdest things ive experienced. i almost wanted to have a breakdown again just to get rid of the feeling and reach a catharsis like... i used to be a fucking crybaby almost but i. cant. anymore. but i think ive mostly moved away from this point... still feel kinda weird tho.

i didnt end up signing up to a local school fo gen eds. its still on my mind for the vague future because there’s topics i want to learn about (psychology, natural resources, languages...) and maybe try to pursue for a career but really i just wanted a way to get out of my toxic house, even if it meant going into debt to live in a shitty dorm. 

in the last 30 days though life has been moving extremely quickly for me. i dont think i couldve lived with myself much longer being a useless adult basically living in my basement bedroom of my parents house, especially with my younger siblings getting nearer to adult milestones, plus my savings were starting to run out.

so literally next weekend, i’m moving out! and i make enough money right now that with the rough budget i have established, if its accurate, i’ll have a decent amount of wiggle room and hopefully wont be ruining my mental health just trying to make ends meet.

it took a long time of searching but i managed to find a job that hasnt made me suicidal and has slightly more than the MIT living wage for my area lol. im a janitor now! we’ll see how long it lasts but a lot of the factors from my last two jobs that contributed to my failing mental health are gone. i rarely have to interact with other people, and if i do its my coworkers, of who i tend to only see for minutes per day, or the other people working in the building i clean who at most i have to say hi and have a nice night to lol. i get to listen to music and podcasts for 8 hours and its very routine heavy. i have to clock out after the 8 hours is up so i literally cant be forced into overtime. a lot of people dont respect cleaning jobs like this but honestly who gives a fuck, its something i can handle mentally and support myself with. its still hard adjusting to 40 hours. i know its the standard, but the standard is rly tough for me, but i think i can do it long term.

all of this has been achieved through sheer self hatred and impulse alone, and im very nervous about moving in with 3 other people even if 1 of them ive known for 8 years, and i dont think its even properly hit me yet. literally cant register that i have to fend 100% for myself but also ill be away from my toxic family! i can bring my cat with me, who before this i got to see at MOST once a week!

a dude ive known online for two or more years is moving to my area too for college and he’s so sweet and kind, i feel better talking to him than i have 99% of people in my life and im so lucky to know him. ive been forced to talk about personal things i was kind of dreading (not his fault, just a result of our relationship going to go from online -> irl and things id have to address beforehand) and honestly i didnt even mind it that much when i just got it over with and talked about it to him! vulnerability is literally the thing i struggle with the most in interpersonal relationships and is a huge block for me in every way and in even the most mundane life situations but like... he’s honestly the best and im getting emotional writing this and its weird af because i straight up dont GET emotional about other people. ive absolutely developed a stupid fucking crush on him recently and i THINK hes been receptive to flirting and i cant tell if he flirts back because we already say i love you and are wholesome af but honestly no clue if he’s into (trans) dudes but honestly? even if it doesnt work out im so happy to be friends with him and im so excited to finally meet him!! i really think knowing him has helped me improve myself 

i’ve always thought that if i could literally just achieve the bare minimum in life that things would naturally get better. like i’m still mentally ill and get paranoid about peoples intentions and i think if my boss yelled at me id have an anxiety attack on the spot. im still depressed and hate that i have low energy and that it’s still rly hard doing basic chores. 

but like a huge part of my problem was that i felt like i literally couldn’t TRY to connect with people if i couldn’t face having to tell them bare info about myself, like “oh i cant drive” or “i dont have a job” or that i was living with my parents but not even making PROGRESS on getting out. like how could i make friends or go on dates if i literally couldnt contribute shit or admit these things i was so ashamed of? a lot of my self image was shaped by this because my entire life i havent been mentally well enough to do as well as i should have.

but like. i feel like im finally doing these basic things!! i dont have to hate myself so much anymore! i dont look badly on other mentally ill ppl who are less lucky than i/havent been able to do those things yet/might not ever and are still in the same situation i was 2 months ago but the self hatred is strong pls understand.

i dont know yet if i could afford twice yearly drs visits for meds or anything and probably not therapy. i dont even know what my insurance is yet haha. but i’ll see

i need to figure out at what point in my life im going to be able to never contact a single person in my family ever again, considering i’ll be a 20 min drive away and they will know the precise location of where i live, and if i’ll ever feel safe enough in society to start hrt but :^) you know :^) i can at least present more masculinely in the meantime!

i dont rly know how to conclude this... i’m not trying to brag either im just very nervous and excited about where my life might be going for the first time ever? maybe? in my entire life? i have no clue what to pursue after moving out, but i can figure it out. and just... that there’s hope even if youre as fucked up and mentally ill as i am lmao!

[hopekinsacademy]

4,7,9

4. Who was the first person you told, how did they react?Well, I mean, I don’t think my first girlfriend counts. So we’ll move to my Mom, who was next to find out…I didn’t really tell her. It’s a long story, but she accepted it just fine and acknowledged that i’m a bi-sexual disaster. 7. What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?I don’t really have one? I guess I don’t get questioned about it a lot. So i can’t really think of any questions I hate people asking. Besides, i’d rather educate people then leave them in the dark about something. 9. Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?Well, that’s an interesting one. There is always Haruka/Michiru from Sailor Moon. Kyoko/Sayaka from Madoka Magica. If we’re talking Dangan, i mean, it’s pretty clear that I am sailing the Saiouma ship hard but there are a bunch of others I love. -Mod Ouma__________________

4. Who was the first you told, how did they react?

I think it was a friend… who I had a crush on. At first, I said was bi, because I didn’t know pansexuality existed yet (I was in like middle school at the time.). She was shocked since she wasn’t expecting that answer from me at all. If we fast forward a bit, when I told my mom I was dating Mod Komaeda, she said she kinda had a feeling. She didn’t judge me at all and just said don’t tell your dad. (I think he knows it too but he doesn’t say anything.)

7. What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?

I don’t really have one as well? No one really asks.

9. Who are your favorite lgbt+ ships?

Oh God, there’s so many to list… My first main one was HichiIchi from Bleach. If we’re talking about Danganronpa, my favorites are Komahina, Kamukoma, and Saiouma. Kaede and Maki and Kaede and Iruma are also cute. I also wanna list my favorite Vocaloid ship which is Yukari and IA. I would list more, but again, so many to list. If anyone asks, I could always make a list- XD;

-Mod Chiaki__________________

4: Who was the first person you told? - I’ll be honest, I can’t really remember. I went through at least 3 different labels before finally settling on grey asexual. It might have been my best friend at the time and her family? And considering they were all lgbt+ too they were totally supportive. I think I told mum some time after that? I vaguely remember blurting it out during dinner one time. She was fine with it too after a few explanations. The only reason I haven’t told her about the poly thing is cause I havent found a good time yet. My sister knows though, she suggested I wait for an appropriate time to mention it.

What’s one thing you hate people asking about your sexuality? Honestly, I just get confusion on the rare occasion I bring it up. People will usually just ask what it means and then I explain to the best of my ability and then the subject is dropped and we carry on with our day. I don’t think I’ve had any jokes or quips about it…

Who are your favourite LGBT+ ships? Like… official ones? Is that a thing? Or just ones that I enjoy regardless of if they’re canon or not? Obviously I enjoy SaiOuma seeing as I work on this blog with my Ouma (love you darling~ just 1 more month), I’m quite fond of KuzuSouda too. Other fandoms, I like Soukoku, Shin Soukoku, Dazai and Kunikida, Chuuya and Kunikida, uhhhmmm…, Juniper and Athena is adorable. Phoenix and Edgeworth. Apollo and Klavier. That s all I can think of off the top of my head.

4. Who was the first person you told, how did they react?Uhm… One of my brothers. He was just like ‘cool’. I never rally had any adverse reactions to my sexuality (I’m pansexual, btw) until like… My father and my aunt? My aunt also used to act like an ass over my gender identity too, to the point where it fueled my gender identity confusion even further.7. What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?’Do you date pans?’ I know it’s a joke, but come on. Maturity, please.9. Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?

I have far too many. Listing them would take 500 years.

[bakudekuficlibrary]

im sorry i havent read the fac yet(im on mobile and it wont load) so i hope im doing this right! id like to request a fic thats either a oneshot or multi chapter where bakugou ultimately dies(im sorry its dark!!) and it affects izuku tremendously. if there isnt any fics out there like this its fine! anyway have a good day/night!

Hello! Here’s a link to the mini-list of fics where Bakugou or Deku dies (for the ones who want more angst and would also like to read some Dead Deku fics), and just like that list, I won’t list the MCD warning individually since that’s kind of a given when it comes to this request. I did, however, still list other warnings that apply 😊

-Ellie

10 Works.

To Atone by fanfictioniwrite ( T | 4,750 | 2/2 )

Bakugou spent his whole life pretending he hated Deku. That didn’t stop him from giving his life for him and wasting his last words to apologize.

Je t'en veux by kuragay ( Not Rated | 6,888 | 1/1 )

Bakugou dies, and somehow, for an entirely incomprehensible reason, Midoriya misses that asshole the most.

Endless by chancellorxofxtrash (PhoebeMurdivine) ( T | 3,582 | 1/1 )

It’s been six months since the pro hero Ground Zero’s last stand, and Izuku was determined to make things right.

[Graphic Depictions of Violence]

Lilacs by MorphineFangs ( Not Rated | 12,980 | 1/1 )

Hanahaki Disease is a disease in which the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. It ends when the beloved returns their feelings (romantic love only; strong friendship is not enough), or when the victim dies. Surgical removal can cure the victim, but they will become incapable of loving ever again.

four phases by ethereals ( M | 4,714 | 1/1 )

Izuku has always referred to himself as two different phases. Phase one was every second from the moment that he was born until he met Katsuki. Phase two was everything after that. He never planned on entering phase three, not in a million years.

Or: super angsty au where bakugou may or may not die and deku goes off the deep end

Terrible Losses by AshREvans ( T | 1,339 | 1/1 )

rasm835g asked: Could you write a scenario describing Bakugou or midoriya having to react to the other one dying, and how their reactions would differ from one another

From my BNHA scenario blog https://myheroscenarios.tumblr.com/ Feel free to submit requests!!!

SeriesPart 4 of Multifandom Tumblr RequestsPart 3 of BNHA Tumblr Requests

Absolute by Purplemerald ( G | 6,706 | 7/7 )

Heroes Ground Zero, Deku, Red Riot, Uravity and Froppy takes on a villain with the absolute quirk one night. Deku and Katsuki need to make one of the worst decisions in their entire lives. With worry and anguish on the back of their mind, what will they choose?

I’ve Loved You Since Forever by BeanPasteMan ( G | 289 | 1/1 )

Katsuki and Izuku went on a mission together and Katsuki died. Izuku never got the chance to tell him how he felt before Katsuki passed away.

Moving Forward by malfunctioning ( T | 560 | 1/1 )

Any other day, the number one hero—the Symbol of Peace, would trust battles to his colleagues—especially after doing a 48-hour patrol or if he was on leave.

Unfortunately for him, that day was not today.

Unit GZ-000 by ArsonxkBelle ( M | 5,442+ | 2/? )

After losing everything Android designer and programmer Izuku Midoriya decides to bring it back the only way he knows how.

——ANGST guys at least out the gate you’ve been warned

[Graphic Depictions of Violence]

[dans-queer-ass]

a little update/why I'm not as active

hello spoons (that's what you are called now)

so some of yall know, at the beginning of this school year (early to mid august) I started at a new school away from all of my friends. it was a school where I was about to focus of math and science. it was a lot of work but I felt like it would be worth it in the long run

well I went there for about a month, having at least one panic attack a day, but then I had a complete mental breakdown. I couldnt do it. I spent 3-4 hours in a car everyday, had hours of homework, and absolutely no free time. I missed my friends and being in band. I decided to leave the school and start going to original school that I knew and that my friends went to.

since going there my anxiety about school has dropped some (even though I'm in all ap) but my anxiety is still very present. I've had little free time (more than I did) and have just kinda been trying to adjust to the different schedule and future plans.

I have been very overwhelmed for the last 2 months from moving to a new school, having lots of work, making friends, having breakdowns, leaving my friends, moving back to a school, and getting used to things.

I havent been able to be on here as much which really does upset me. I have, in a way, made a little community here on my blog. it is a safe place for me.

I just wanted to give yall a little update on where I am rn and why I havent been very active. I just ask for your support and love and help. thanks.

also thanks again for 1.2k. its it's insane and I'm so glad to have more spoons here.

[liebesyhhra]

ramadhan prep

Bismillaah

This post is inspired by my friend, H. She is someone i look up to a lot for all her tenacity, great ideas and really the amazing person that she is. MasyaAllah :) 

dear H,

last night as we welcomed ramadhan i finally had the drive to write about the lessons from sharing sessions and talks ive been to, particularly a talk i attended at masjid ansar about ramadhan. turned out the drive was warm warm chicken poop (hangat hangat tahi ayam hahahaha) only and i ended up not writing. hahaha nothing new there!!! 

that same night you shared with me about your islamic sharing instagram account big idea you had with your friend!! and i was so thrilled!!! partly because you’re basically doing what i’ve always wanted to do on a blog but been putting off for a long timeee. the other part is just me being so proud of you for always coming up with amazing ideas and always so willing to share the good stuff that you come across. i really hope this great idea will become reality and i really really look forward to it!!! count me in anytime hehe.

sometimes i hide behind an inferior complex when deciding not to pursue something like oh im never going to deserve to do calligraphy because i am not arty and i don’t want to degrade calligraphers by my undeserving attempt. that sounds super silly hahaha but ya i am silly like that. it was only natural (???? silly^10000 but yes) that i completely threw away my idea of finally posting something on my blog, because someone better is doing it already. but H you were so supportive and interested in my own initiative, and plus all the thought challenging i did i realised that other people taking good initiatives does not in any way degrade my own. and so fast forward to now i’m still trying to get to the subject of matter hahahaha what a prelude!!! 

i attach the event poster for reference

i was very much interested by the concept haha unlimited data plan yes please my bills are getting so ex because data usage :-) kidding hehe of course there was more to it than its literal meaning. 

the talkshow by the five asatizah panelists covered three main topics:

pre-paid pahala

free outgoing doa

ramadan premium gold member

1. pre-paid pahala

the topics surrounding intentions and sincerity were being discussed. having good intentions without even carrying out the actions yet entitles a person to rewards --> pre-paid pahala cool eh !! may we all proceed to carry out the good we intend to do with sincerity, amin.

i. what is sincerity?

having sincerity/ikhlas is defined as doing something without hoping for any reciprocation or rewards. this reminded me so much of our malay literature days when cikgu A would ask “what is the most important lesson we can learn from the sun?” when we were going through the sajak ‘menjaring mentari hidupku’. (sidetrack i really couldn’t remember the sajak title i just remembered something got to do with sun but definitely not mengejar mentari...........huehe anje ayanggg) the answer being: the sun gives and gives, even when it knows the beings on earth can never repay it. what can i give the sun?? what can the plants give the sun?? and still it continues being the number one source of energy everyday. 

in doing good deeds though sometimes we experience spiritual and moral roadblocks like feeling riyak and overly proud of the good we do. asatizah shared that the way around these roadblocks is not to simply stop doing the good, but continue to engage in the good deed as well as pray that Allah removes the riyak and grant us sincerity.

asatizah shared a story of saidatina Fatimah r.a’s sincerity in helping those in need, putting their needs above her own. nobody knew of the story until Allah sent down a verse narrating the sincere deed Fatimah r.a had carried out. 

the story took place during the month of ramadhan. each day Fatimah r.a only had water, milk and bread to break her fast with. on the first day during iftar, a needy person came knocking to ask for food. she gave away her food and only had water for herself. this happened for three consecutive nights masyaAllah! idk if it were me i’d probably have gone ‘oh im so hungy i havent eaten in three days i gave all my food away to the poor!!!’ probably hoping for some sort of acknowledgement or applaud haha or complimentary iftar. but masyaAllah Fatimah carried the deed out without expecting anything but Allah’s blessings. her intention was solely to please God. the verse is recorded in the quran:

وَيُطْعِمُونَ الطَّعَامَ عَلَىٰ حُبِّهِ مِسْكِينًا وَيَتِيمًا وَأَسِيرًا  إِنَّمَا نُطْعِمُكُمْ لِوَجْهِ اللَّهِ لَا نُرِيدُ مِنكُمْ جَزَاءً وَلَا شُكُورًا

surah al-insan, 8-9

ii. how do we know of a person’s sincerity?

we dont hahahaha. only Allah knows! but it’s always good to believe someone is doing a good deed out of good intention and sincerity. on our part too, we may have ulterior motives intentional or unintentionally along the way of doing good. dont stop nothing to see here move along now keep calm and doa!

iii. how to attain and maintain sincerity?

be conscious of our intentions to do something for the sake of Allah

act it out. actions speak louder than words

istiqamah in training our hearts

remember that Allah sees and appreciates each and every good deed and intention

introspection/muhasabah

here, asatizah shared the story of saidina Kalid al Walid r.a. Khalid was leading a battle when he was demoted by khalifah Umar. instead of being bitter about it he fought harder and with even more willpower. when asked why he was not the least bit demotivated over being demoted, he replied that he fought not for the title but for the sake of Allah. 

knowing that Allah always appreciates the good we do is so heartening. it’s also so heartening when people are appreciative of the good we do. this doesn’t negate our sincerity though, view it as Allah’s way of making us happy through His other creations

iv. benefits of ikhlas

self-fulfilment

pahalaaa hehe amin

peace of mind

wont feel disappointed over lack of reciprocation

part two nexttttttt

2. free outgoing doa

ramadhan is the month of mercy! forgiveness! and so we ask of Allah for aaall that and more in the blessed month. 

asatizah first shared the mannerisms of making doa, which are found in the structure of surah al-fatihah. ustazah S shared this before in school!! so excited for some reason when ustaz shared during the talk. making doa inadvertently makes us realise that we are such....small beings who depend so much on His mercy. it would only be appropriate to make doa in a state of sincerity, humbleness and humility. 

doa is significant in our lives, such that it instills Hope in us and husnuszhon towards Allah.

doa is also a form of self-motivation. when we pray for something good for ourselves eg ya Allah please help me become successful in my studies, indirectly we push ourselves to do our best so our prayer comes true. we won’t pray for something we are not working towards so masyaAllah this was an interesting insight!

on to the last one!!!

3. ramadhan premium gold member

aka laylatul qadr 

this talk was held pre-ramadhan, and ustazah said preparation had to begin NOW, which was a week ago haha but now now is not too late either! it’s not too early either considering insyaAllah we will try to find it in the last ten nights. however the spiritual burnout is real and nauzubillah, so let’s all keep in mind that the most loved by Allah are little but consistent deeds! youre doing great sweetie :* 

while living our nights in qiyam, asatizah reminded us to always keep ourselves and our parents in our doa. yang terbaik, amin! may we be blessed with the opportunity to live the night of power and receive blessings of a thousand months amin! ultimate level of premium gold membership masyaAllah.

4. miscellaneous

under the topic of doa actually, in our humility sometimes we would cry when asking Allah for something we really want. however there are also people who try their best to have that humility but cannot cry (like me hahaaaa so hard hearted nauzubillah) and that’s ok. sometimes it’s the peace in our heart that can be felt. 

so alhamdulillah! that’s all to share from the distinguished panelists. there were nasyid and poetry performances too which were amazinggg live spotify hahaha. this more or less helped me look forward to all the amazing goodness being offered in ramadhan, and what i can start with; having the right intentions. i really enjoyed penning this down and i hope this wont be the last! thank you, H, for spurring me on to finally act out this particular intention. may Allah bless you always all ways!!! so sayang

i was so afraid and unprepared to welcome ramadhan, still so irrationally afraid even as we’ve fasted for the first day.. going to this talk and previously the one with you at masjid Ruadhah helped me prepare a bit spiritually alhamdulillah. thank you for being there with me and for me during this journey! maybe i am afraid i won’t live up to my best behaviour. maybe i am so afraid of feeling lonely. maybe i am so afraid of.....idk actually what i’m afraid of. in spite of all that, i hope you, me and everybody else will have a blessed ramadhan ahead and do our best to give our best, insyaAllah

i am ending this off with a quote

God’s delays aren’t God’s rejections. Worry ends when Faith begins.

and a doa

اللهم انك عفو تحب العفو فاعف عنا يا كريم

ramadhan kareem! 

semoga Allah redha

sending lots of luv,

<3

[myheartineverything]

Magic Pants and Chocolate Reviews

10/4/18

I've been waiting a while to create a blog. Considering all the spaces I've littered with my rants, feelings, photos and thoughts, it seems I'm in the perfect place to begin. Filming vlogs was definitely in the back of my mind, however when it comes to being me, I'd rather express myself through my written words rather than my voice. I don’t wan't to just be a face or a thumbnail, I don't want my words to be mixed up with anything but their pure form; straight from my head. In this format, there are no notes, no pre-written topics, just me. This blog, I've decided, will help me express myself and find comfort in who I am. Every day I have endless things to say and share, my mind seems to always be in overdrive yet never tires me. I want to write on the premise of aiding my mental health, but also to share my love of art and the world, and share all of my thoughts through each day and adventures I partake in.      Something rather peculiar happened today. I want to see it as a sign that better things are coming. I havent been in the best headspace since I broke up with my partner in January. I've found having a partner helps my positive energy stay balanced; I find myself in a state of just feeling happy and safe always. Having one person I can trust who I know trusts me back gives  me a sense of stability... On the contrary, having a single best friend or many, still doesn't feel like enough compared to a lover. These friends have other places to be and things to worry about, I know I won't always be a part of their thoughts - well at least not as profoundly as a partner would consider me. When I'm not in a relationship, I find myself seeking validation and attention from multiple friends, and having more friends means more heartbreaks and drama. I really love my friends, but the love I give out is seldom received in return. I know it's unhealthy to rely so much on love and attention from other people, hence why I will discuss the events of today.   I enjoy fashion a lot. I see it in the city, on instagram, on my stylish, amazing friends, and it gives me a way to express what I'm about to the world without formally introducing myself to everyone. When I came home from Schoolies 2017 in early December, I was under the impression I had lost a new pair of pants I valued somewhere in the hotel room. Truly, I valued them for their over-sized fashion which helped me hide my legs and that insecurity. They were awesome, in my opinion. At the time I realised I had lost them, I searched EVERYWHERE. Keep in mind, between searching months ago and today, I had moved twice and had been in and out of my wardrobe everyday. My next thought was to ask the people I bunked with in the hotel for the five nights. This included a friend I hadn't been speaking to. I didn't get the chance to ask them but it prompted me to text and see how they were - didn't end well may I add (we still aren't speaking). The loss of my pants seemed to become significant to the ending of that friendship because the other two people who were in the hotel saw no sign of them, and in my mind I believed this person could be the answer to my lost pants, but I would never be able to ask. Hence I had to let go of this person and also my pants. I was pretty devastated about the loss of both. Now, I've been in an alright headspace lately, it might just be because tomorrow is my 18th and the universe is sending me good juju, but today I got a sign that reminded me to step back and appreciate the beauty of life's unpredictable, optimistic and crazy algorithm (I am quite glad life likes to throw curve balls, and teach me to be optimistic in bad situations).   So, it's April 2018 and today I found my pants. They were hanging right in front of my face in my wardrobe. It felt like they had just appeared out of no where, but I'm a skeptic to fantasy-like magic. I believe more in natural magic. The type that naturally brings realisations to us when we need them most. Maybe I had just been blind to my pants hanging in my wardrobe because I didn't need them until right now in my life. I know that all seems over the top, but everyone needs to believe in something to create passion and reasons. See, this makes sense to me and it's the type of stuff I have in my head that I need to get out. The sign today, I am so grateful for. I mean, I'm stoked my pants are back and now I can be groovy as anything again, but also because now I feel I can move on from the loss of a good friend. That things come back when we need them most - maybe they will too. It's all a matter f waiting, and belieiving things will be okay really pays off in the end.   I also received a package from my good friend in England! I got to try UK's version of Cadbury - it kind of sucks... well, compared to Australia's anyway. As described by my brother and I - at first it tastes like cheap chocolate, then tastes like dark chocolate. To be fair, it's probably easier to stomach than our rich Aus Cadbury. I'm pretty excited about the future and can't wait to share more about my plans in future blogs... For now, this is enough for one day.