#i havent had my meds in like 2 days which is probably why but i feel like usually

[natjennie]

i dont know what im feelinggg and none of my therapy worksheets are helping

[quaranmine]

playing doctor on myself this morning with google and losing my mind just a bit

i keep. over the course of the last two years at least. randomly getting these blotchy red rashes on my torso. they don't itch or hurt, they aren't raised, and they seem completely random. i cannot figure it out or any link between it appearing. It will typically last several hours. they do not go on my face, neck, or limbs, just the torso. i don't think theyre like dangerous??? because i assume that if they were i would have some adverse reaction like pain, fever, swelling, etc. so that is why i have not been overly concerned with it. but it is baffling me. now sometimes in the past i have gotten extremely itchy for no reason on my torso, so maybe that's a factor, but the itchiness does not always coincide with the rash. for example, today there is none.

the thing i'm interested in today though, is if it's some sort of drug allergy rash. because it always looks exactly like the rash i got last year when i took paxlovid for my covid infection. the doctor told me that's a common (harmless) reaction. i've looked it up and it looks most like a morbilliform drug reaction which are very common. so, if morbilliform drug reactions look and behave like that, i had that reaction to taking a drug, and a doctor told me it was a reaction to the drug then....

...it stands to reason that my experiencing this off and on for 2-3 years might ALSO be a similiar reaction? i just can't figure out the common thread.

one of my meds is implicated as a cause for this type of rash, and has studies/journal articles on it causing this. EXCEPT. um, it happens when you are first introduced to taking it??? and like dude i've been taking this particular medication since 2016 probably. i'm sure anything is possible (like developing new sensitivies) but nothing i have read is about reactions popping up YEARS after the fact, just within 1-3 weeks of starting it. i saw a study done on someone who developed the rash after taking the medicine, but 5 days after first taking it. i saw another study/journal article that was written as a diagnostic aid that literally excluded any drugs you'd been on for a few months as not the cause. so??? idk. my other medicine does not seem to be implicated in this, as when i looked it up i didn't really get anything.

i'm no biochemist or whatever but i can't seem to find any similarities between my med and paxlovid? like ok, we've established that either the nirmatrelvir or ritonavir that is in paxlovid likely caused it. that's what the doctor said. he said my reaction was a common one to one of the drugs in that mixture, which lines up with everything i have read. but afaik these drugs arent like....similiar to the one i have been taking...it isnt like "oh these are the same drug class so maybe your issue is with them"....

the other (relevant) drug implicated in these types of reactions are NSAIDS. now this could be something. i did take ibuprofen yesterday, and woke up with the reaction. is that it? i'm going to start logging it every time it happens to see if it ever coincides with me recently taking ibuprofen. BUT LIKE. i take ibuprofen pretty frequently, mostly for headaches. this reaction might only happen once every two or three months. i feel like if i were getting a reaction from ibuprofen it would happen every time, not just once in a blue moon?

so why am i experiencing it today???? i'm not wearing any clothing made from atypical materials. i havent used any new shower products. i havent tried any new medicines for a while. i havent eaten anything i don't normally have. none, except for the paxlovid rash, coincide with me being sick so i doubt it's viral.

if it IS a mobilliform drug reaction, it still seems atypical because a) i havent started anything new b) it goes away within a few hours, not days/weeks c) it isn't always itchy

WHERE IS THE COMMON LINK AND HOW DO I FREE MYSELF OF THIS?

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent / personal / s.i. / sh mention / long post / extremely negative dont read

I rly wanna fucking stop existing man life is too fucking hard I cant do this shit

My grandpa basically blamed me for the house's electricity usage when i literally only used my computer for one week last month and like 2 days this month. Anything else this month has just been phone charging or running my 2 small aquariums. Idk why i have to take the blame for that just because im a young person when my grandpa literally has been using large machinery in the garage and we rent out our guest house which has an a/c unit running ALL the time (our house does not have a/c or any internal system. Utilities are included in the guest house we rent so we pay for that person to stay cool while we sweat over here lmao.)

Ive been suffering for weeks in the 90-100 degree weather with no fan because my bathroom flooded due to grandpa installing the wrong fixture in my toilet (i literally only needed to replace the flap which required no disconnections! But he insisted, and now my only clean fan has been stuck in my bathroom with the window open letting in all the heat). Like. I enjoy the heat. Im fine with no ac. I tolerate it fine. But i need an occasional few minutes of being in the fan if the windows have been letting in all the heat. Normally id keep my blinds closed and the shower curtain closed so the heat doesnt get extreme but because i need to air out the bathroom i cant do that ((Literally when i lived in nyc w no ac, i would just go out to the living room and turn a/c on for like 1 minute while i stand in front of it, and then off again and i was fine for the rest of the night, i cant sleep with ac or a fan on or else i get hypothermic - i actually started getting hypothermic the other night because my blankets fell off the bed on a cooler night, it sucked lol))

Im so sick of having to wear shoes in my bathroom due to the carpet being pulled back, its uncomfortable to traverse that mess while having an injured back. Im sick of all the wildfire ash thats poured into my bathroom and probably my room too. (I had JUST changed my last air filter the day before the fire started lmao probably used up the whole thing already, i never got to keep my clean air room i had just started).

I had to deep clean the kitchen and deep vacuum the entire house with my back thats been injured since MAY since grandpa wont clean up after himself, and apparently my mom has also not been cleaning for years in her room (and my mom has the nerve to judge me for having a clean but cluttered room! Its her fault its cluttered because im not allowed to have anything of mine except food downstairs!). I havent been able to get treatment for my back because my mom has the only car and shes been out of town for the past month+.

Im fucking scared as fuck because i couldnt get ahold of a doctors office for a prescription for my endo and so now ive been having to take the leftovers i had of a lower dose. I live in a dead zone so a lot of the time i cant make phonecalls, idk if the issue was my end or the doctors and im just too stressed to try again bc if i think ab endo im gonna have a mental breakdown, its already bad enough having EXTREME phone anxiety due to not being able to understand people when they talk especially over a garbled phone connection. Im supposed to quit this med at the end of the month and idk how im gonna survive. I might not. I was completely su// ici// dal during the last couple flare ups. Endo is incurable and apparently im resistant to medication and surgical treatment. So its untreatable for me too.

Then theres my whole depression. This just fucking kicked off a really terrible mood swing and ive been like crying and moping in bed for hours trying NOT to think about where i know the things i used to s.h. before are packed. Bc that hasnt ever stopped being on my fucking mind since before i even started as a teen lmao. I cant stop thinking about how im existing against my will. Theres just no good way to die. Id feel guilty too because of how expensive my jaw treatments are and i havent even finished.

Speaking of, my jaw is still fucked and not getting any better lmao. Im in constant pain and headaches because of the aligners on my teeth. Im making myself sick from eating depression foods because by the time i take the things off my teeth to eat and drink, my mouth hurts, my jaw hurts, my head hurts, my tummy hurts, and after i eat anything i feel sick and tired and lightheaded from not being able to snack or drink when i want at my own pace, and then suddenly having to eat a whole meals worth of food in one sitting. (Not that i do that lmao ive been eating really lightly bc i am not physically up to the task of cooking or eating anything. I CAN cook. Just not physically, or mentally any more). So ive been eating terribly within my already limited diet. (And my jaw wont stop popping and cracking painfully every time i chew anything which is so humiliating and frustrating and painful and i cant eat a lot of foods i used to.)

There just too much going on all at once and im fucking sick of everything. I was already at my fucking limit before my mom fucked off to do pet sitting for a relative and went back on her word that she'd bring the dog to stay at our house. Which means ive gone since May without treatment for my back except for the chiropractor i see right after my therapy appointment. Which i dont think is doing enough. I dont know what more can be done when i constantly have to do back breaking things around the house. And when i told my mom ab how im not able to get the care i need because of her leaving, she turned it on me and said it was my fault for not making an appointment. Fucking gaslighting asshole. How the fuck am i supposed to get to an appointment 30-40 minutes away when i dont have the car? (Because theres no where local that will take my insurance, and i dont think even the places 30-40 minutes away will take it either.)

I dont know how anyone manages to live. Just existing is constant pain due to fibromyalgia and arthritis. Its constant hypervigilance and fear from the endo. Its extreme treatment-resistant depression (i fucking wish antidepressants worked on me lmao but that was the most miserable 5 years of my life trying every class of them). Its gender dysphoria and i cant transition because i cant work or live independently (its not safe for me to come out or transition while living in grandpas house hed kick me out). Its loneliness because i have like 2 friends i occasionally talk to online but no one close and were not on the same circles even, not like i even have a stable internet connection to do anything more than just over messaging. I dont have the mental energy to be friends w anyone either bc i have nothing to offer. Existing while alive is a full time job with no pay or benefits. I dont even know anyone irl thats not relatives (im not close with anyone in my family at all) or a doctor. I dont have a license or car because family wouldnt let me practise when i did have permits and i certainly can't afford the $12k a year it costs to own a car in Cali, let alone to purchase one. I cant work but im not disabled enough to be legally disabled. Certainly wouldnt be able to afford to live in this area/county even if i could do some work beyond an occasional online resale, which sucks because this is where my tribe is and i just wish this area was a better fit for me. Just doing things around the house is what caused my back to go out in the first place and now its a chronic fucking issue, and i can barely walk to the mailbox or do grocery shopping. Its not safe for me to live alone either, probably, even tho i cant handle living with roommates because im too asocial for them.

Im so sick of everything. Why do i have to be blamed for the electricity. Im an artist and apparently using the skills i spent 4 years learning at college and countless hours improving on my own is using too much electricity if i turn on my computer to participate in a week of a drawing challenge. What if i had a fucking work from home job?? (Not like that would ever happen, grandpa wouldnt choose the cheaper and faster internet plan i told him to go with and instead chose a more expensive plan with a different company that has a data cap, so now it sucks for no reason other than that he doesnt want to take advice from either a woman or a young person! [Im not a woman but he doesnt know that]). I cant even try to apply for any kind of work from home job bc of the internet. Its hard enough trying to make a call over data, having to put it on speakerphone and reach my phone against my room window while i lean over the counter. I was already unemployed before the pandemic due to the same mental health issues i havent stopped suffering from.

I wish that i wanted to live and do better for myself but whats the fucking point any more. I dont even want to live. I have no fucking reason to. At all. Im only alive bc there's no good way to die. Every day i think about how much i wish i didnt exist. It sucks and theres no fucking treatment that works. Therapy probably helps but its not making improvements for me when there are too many things out of my control making my life completely fucking miserable, its just damage reduction at this point.

I even exercise. Often. Despite the pain in my back and everywhere else. It does not help when i have fibromyalgia. Im in extreme pain even with the lightest exercise. But ive been exercising since the last endo flare up in fucking march in the hopes itll make my next endo flare up a little less worse if im stronger. Who knows if its working. Guess ill find out after the end of this month. God im so fucking scared.

I dont want to do anything rn im just so fucking miserable. But now my room is heating up since its the end of the day and im sweating too much to keep lying in bed being miserable. Idk what im gonna do. Besides ignore the ideation and knowledge about where my sharp objects are. I was working on sewing but i lost steam because of grandpa blaming me for the electricity sending me down a spiral. As if im not already doing enough cleaning up the whole fucking house and trying to prevent mold growth from the leak he caused and then laughed it off and wouldnt help me move (not my) furniture to prevent water damage.

Fuck i still have to measure the carpet padding so i can buy more later. At least the carpet itself is safe. Its getting dark out and i threw that padding shit outside and forgot about it last week so i dont wanna deal with measuring that right now. Ugh.

What do i even do when im too fucking depressed to do anything at all?? No one fucking prepares you for how fucking miserable being alive actually is.

[buckyskorpion]

50 Questions tag!

i was tagged by @buckyland​ so thank you kat i am trying to procrastinate and this is PERFECT

1. What is the colour of your hairbrush? pink and purple pastels 

2. Name a food you never ever eat. peanuts bc im allergic lmao

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold? too warm! im a sweaty bitch

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago? watching a jamie genevieve makeup tutorial and wishing i had her accent because she sounds so sexy... scottish people man

5. What is your favourite candy bar? does this mean chocolate bar or like lolly bar..... chocolate would be a mars bar and lolly bar would be redskins

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports game? absoLUTELY state of origin game 2 last year baby 

7. What is the last thing you said out loud? “oi shit heads do you want a coffee?” i am a stereotype

8. What is your favourite ice cream? COOKIES AND CREAM YES ME AND KAT AGREE

9. What was the last thing you had to drink? coffee

10. Do you like your wallet? i technically dont have one my cards just be loose in my bag 

11. What was the last thing you ate? omg a bacon egg tomato and cheese brekkie roll it was DIVINE

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend? yes a bunch of sleep singlets, shorts, fuzzy socks, and a jumper

13. The last sporting event you watched? the last nrl game the dragons played before the season got cancelled

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn? sweet and salty baby

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to? my boss because i left my bag at work which has my nintendo ds in it and i wanna play animal crossing (dont ask why it was in my bag) 

16. Ever go camping? YES i literally camped overnight in my backyard last night and i camp every year when i go to splendour with my mates (big music festival in byron bay) 

17. Do you take vitamins? no and i should because im iron deficient lmao

18. Do you go to church every Sunday? oh bitch since i turned 18 and could legally say no to my crazy catholic parents i havent been to a sunday mass since. i do go for big events tho like lent, easter, christmas, etc. 

19. Do you have a tan? big no

20. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza? this is hard but i would say pizza just because ive been to the hospital 3 times eating chinese food bc of sneaky peanuts and pizza has never done me wrong like that

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw? if its with alcohol, yes. if its not, straight from the bottle baby

22. What color socks do you usually wear? black or pink. i only have Useful socks which are black and one pair of Fun socks which are pink 

23. Do you ever drive above the speed limit? um every time i drive sorry popo

24. What terrifies you? being unremarkable. being forgotten. being left.

25. Look to your left, what do you see? my coffee, paw paw cream, my airpods, my scrunchie collection, my lamp, my meds, and my sunglasses (my bedside table is a mess) 

26. What chore do you hate most? dusting 

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? nothing.... i am australian this just be my life hahaha

28. What’s your favorite soda? soda is such a funny word to me but anyway my favourite is sprite

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive? depends, mostly drive thru and eat in the carpark vibes tho

30. What is your favourite number? 4 or 14

31. Who’s the last person you talked to? my sister and her boyfriend

32. Favourite cut of beef? i hate red meat but i will eat it in spaghetti bolognese so i guess mince

33. Last song you listened to? number one fan by MUNA - its a BOP

34. Last book you read? in the middle of reading killing commentadore by haruki murikami as i have been for the whole of 2020 lmao

35. Favourite day of the week? friday 

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards? no absolutely not my brain hurts just thinking about it

37. How do you like your coffee? double shot espresso with almond milk or double shot espresso just black 

38. Favourite pair of shoes? my doc martens because im ~quirky

39. The time you normally get up? during normal time i was waking up at 7:30 but now its anywhere between 9-12 lmao

40. What do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? sunsets absolutely 

41. How many blankets on your bed? three

42. Describe your kitchen plates. one full set of white ones, one full set of those blue ceramic looking ones, one set of fancy white ones with embellishment, one set from ikea that im allowed to use because i smash shit

43. Describe your kitchen at the moment? just did the washing up and loaded the dishwasher from lunch, so spotless because i have issues with dirty sinks lmao. coffee machine is pride of place, and the light above the stove stopped working last night so its kinda dark

44. Do you have a favourite alcoholic drink? t e q u i l a!!!!! or a pinot grigio

45. Do you play cards? hmm i play drinking games haha not really cards tho unless its with my family

46. What colour is your car? silver

47. Can you change a tire? yes because once i was taking an exit off the motorway at 110km/h and something fell off truck which i didnt see so i drove over it and ripped giant holes in both tires on the right side of my car and almost DIED lmao 

48. Your favourite state? state of being? asleep. state in australia?? nsw dUH. state in america?? i pretend i do not see

49. Favourite job you’ve had? my job i have now! disability carer, i love the girl i care for with my whole heart and i would die for her

50. How did you get your biggest scar? i have the stupidest scars ever, my biggest scar is probably the big ones on my knees from when i was running away from this girl on camp who locked me out of our shared room and i fell over and cut my knees and hands up sooooo bad lmao

[greenteaandwishes]

what an abortion is really like

because i would have loved to know what was gonna happen when i needed mine!

for reference: i had a surgical (in clinic/aspiration) abortion, i was around 13 weeks, and i didn’t go to planned parenthood, i went to a local womens health center in boulder.

i called the clinic on a thursday, they said they only schedule abortions on fridays and since i wasnt sure how far along i was they’d recommend i get there the next day if at all possible. i scheduled the appointment for that friday, asked how much it would cost and was met with a set price of $600. i asked if there was any way to set up a pyment plan, and they said yep! they also transferred me to their financial aid advisor and my total cost ended up being $500, of which i paid $300 upfront and am payingthe rest $50 weekly.

i got there and checked in, everyone was very welcoming and kind. they had me fill out some paperwork, mostly just typical medical care stuff like insurance, emergency contact, etc. there was a paper with specific abortion related questions like are you comfortable with your decision and who has been your biggest supporter through this, stuff like that. everyone also made sure to ask what my preferred pronouns were, which was really nice because i’m very feminine presenting and i sometimes prefer they/them as opposed to she/her. i went to use the restroom and there was a sign that said that they need a urine sample, so if i havent given that i should wait for the doctors.

i waited for about 10 minutes and then the nurse came out to get me. i went in, they took a urine sample and my vitals and then said that i was good to go ahead and strip from the waist down and the doctor will be in shortly. i asked if i could keep my socks on (i wore my lucky socks lmao). she said yes. anyway, i undressed and the doctor came in, asked how i was feeling and what type of abortion i would be having. i said i was nervous and probably surgical because i think im too far along for a medication. she did a quick pelvic exam and an ultrasound (but not on my belly, it was an ultrasound that went up my vagina.) she confirmed that i was too far along for a medication abortion and that i’d need a surgical one, and that my next step was to go up to counseling.

i went up to counseling and the woman i was with was super nice. i was expecting a “this is why abortion is bad” shpiel because i know that a lot of states have laws that require counselors to tell you things like that. luckily, i didn’t get that (yay colorado!). i got a very supportive woman who answered all my questions and walked me through what was going to happen through the procedure, and just a general place to talk and vent what i’d been feeling. it lasted about an hour, and at this point i started getting kinda hungry and i asked if i was allowed to eat (because some surgeries you cant eat before.) she said that i am but i should be aware that im probably gonna feel a bit nauseous during/after the procedure.

the first step in this whole thing is taking a pill to dilate and soften my cervix, and that takes about 2 hours to fully work, so i took that first. i also was given some anti nausea meds, advil and anti anxiety medicine. my doctors were very kind and asked me what i wanted and felt like i needed, explained to me that i could take two anti anxiety meds or just one, and explained that i had the option to take a narcotic painkiller as well. at first i decided to just take advil and one anti anxiety, but about an hour later i was feeling very anxious and a little in pain, so i took the second anti anxiety and a narcotic (i was skeptical about the narcotic but i talked with the doctors quite a lot about side effects and addiction, before ultimately deciding to take it.) i couldn’t have taken the narcotic if i were to be driving myself home. last but not least, they did a finger poke to check if i was rh negative or positive, because if i was negative i would’ve needed another pill.

after that super mega pill cocktail, i got called back to a room much like the first one with the ultrasound. i undressed and tried to mentally prepare myself. there were three people in the room besides me: my doctor, her assistant, and a trained support person. doctor and assistant were down by my vagina, while the support person was holding my hand and talking me through it. i felt the doctor put a numbing shot in my cervix and then i just felt a lot of pressure and cramps. i had my hand resting on my belly and i could feel my uterus cramping. i started crying, it wasn’t painful exactly, just weird and overwhelming. i squeezed my suppirt persons hand and apologized for crying, all while she was just talking to me and saying its okay and all that stuff. it was over in about 10 minutes. the doctor and assistant left right after that, but my support person stayed. i know it was so that if i fainted or something, i wouldnt be alone, but it was honestly really comforting having her there with me. i lay down for about 5 more minutes before i felt okay to sit up and put on my pants. me and the support person chatted for a bit. i dont really remember what we talked about.

after i put on my pants my support person led me to a room with recliners and crackers and water and books. there were two other women in there, who met me with a heating pad and a heated blanket. i rested there for about half an hour, drinking water and eating saltines, and reading this book full of other people’s experiences with abortion. i felt so cared for and seen, it was amazing. they had me give one last urine sample and then led me around the back (handicap exit, so no stairs) where my boyfriend was waiting in his car. i think they told him to go wait out there once i was in the recovery room, because that way when i was ready to leave i could.

i got in the car and drove home with my love. we stopped at walgreens to get some pads, because the doctors said i couldnt put anything in my vagina for at least a week, but that i was going to be bleeding a bit. since i use a menstrual cup, i didnt have normal pads at home. i cried a little bit in walgreens, thats around when the pain meds wore off. when i got home i took another advil and laid down with a heating pad and netflix, and eventually i fell asleep.

its about a week after my abortion now, my cramps have gone away entirely. they were bad for the first few days though. im almost done bleeding. i’m no longer experiencing nausea or fatigue or sore boobs. my hormones have been a little crazy, i keep going from very calm and chill to just downright cranky. i can call the clinic back any time for support, and to schedule a follow up appointment if i feel i need one. all in all, it was a very peaceful experience. not once did i feel judged or ashamed at my choice. everyone at the clinic was ridiculously kind and caring. im very grateful i had the experience i had.

feel free to reblog or message me with any questions!

[myheadabovewater]

Something major happened 2 days ago. Ive been avoiding writing about it because i just hate thinking about it.

Today is Feb 21st. Back on Jan 22-23 i got really sick from something i must have caught at Os play. I thought it was covid, but my test came back negative. But yeah, it was bad. I was sick in bed for like 6 days. Then as soon as i got better, i immediately caught a stomach bug from going downstairs to do laundry. That was just like 2 days.

But i havent felt good since. Ive had lots of nausea every day, what i call "the uncomfortables", which is like restless legs but all over. I havent been eating or sleeping. I could only sleep less than 30 mins at a time before id wake back up with uncomfortables. Its been awful. Ive felt horrible and sleep deprived and very depressed.

Well two nights ago i decided i was gonna try taking my tramadol at night to help me sleep since it really doesnt help with my pain during the day anymore (i have 2 spinal diseases that cause a lot of pain in my lower back and hips). I asked F to have O bring it up to me when he also brought me my blood pressure med. F keeps all of my medicines where i cant get them and i have to ask him every time its time to take them. Another way to control me.

So i get my tramadol, and instead of just taking it right away like always, i set it down to get a drink. I happened to look at them and saw they were not tramadol. I take 300mg. I used a med checker and saw they were allergy pills. Antihistamines. ONE tramadol, and the rest generic allergy pills. They look almost exactly the same. I sent O down and he came back up with F. F acted surprised and confused. I realized what was going on as soon as i saw how he reacted. He gave me the right pills and i said nothing about it. If he truly was not switching my medication on purpose, and took allergy pills out of a tramadol bottle, he would have lost his shit. The only possibility would be that I switched out my meds for almost identical ones behind his back.

It all made sense then. Idk how long he has been giving me the wrong meds but it explains why they havent been giving me any pain relief anymore. How sick ive been, i have been panicking that something might be really wrong with me. But it was that hes been giving me wrong meds and ive been going through withdrawl. The symptoms are exactly the same, and guess what? When i caught it and got my right meds, suddenly i was all better. No uncomfortables, slept much better.

This is why im very afraid at this point. He used to be on the rescue squad for 20yrs. He knows about medications. I have insanely bad hypertension. My meds i take for it dont work well and ive tried everything. But its regularly in the high 190s-200s over around 70-80. I had a heart attack 2 years ago this month.

Antihistamines are stimulants. They Raise your bp. He knows that. Ive taken them 2 times in years when i was desperate because i had hives, and the other time my eyes had been itching so bad id rubbed them raw. And i took ONE pill. He gave me FIVE at once for god knows how long now.

He does hoard medications and takes tramadol too, so he may have just been keeping my meds for himself, but i cant really believe that. The danger of me having another heart attack or a stroke after taking five allergy pills is huge and very likely. Do i think he was trying to kill me? Maybe. I believe he is capable of it. He knew what the med would do to me. And it would just look like i had another heart attack or stroked out. I dont know how to handle it. I have no proof and this probably sounds crazy. I feel like all i can do is check all meds before i take anything, and not take any food or drinks from him if he suddenly makes me something.

Ive always suspected he might have done this one other time, years ago. But i dont wanna talk about that right now.

How calculated and evil is he? This time ive been sick too, hes asked me what med he can get me for my stomach, had S go get me gingerale and nausea meds. One time he was in here and i said i couldnt eat because of the nausea, and he goes, "you know that could be a sign of a heart attack", and then took my pulse!

And the whole time he is the one whos been making me sick. Im actually considering writing a letter to my dad and sisters about it all and giving it to my sons friends mom, and tell her if anything happens to me that looks natural or like an accident, to mail it.

[deeeelightfuldee]

surveys 062.

What battery percentage is your phone on right now? It’s at 55%

Do any medical afflictions run in your family? Yeppppppppppp

Who did you last talk to and what did you say? i sent a comma to kile. I can’t communicate to him anymore but it’s kind of my way of saying I’m here presently and available to read your messages. it probably annoys him and I should stop. 

What's your favourite Mexican dish? pork tacos from mama marias

Have you ever been to a professional sports game? Yes. many times.

How far do you live from New York City? uhhhhh google says 12.5 hours. not too bad.

How often do you talk to your parents? mom usually every day. dad maybe 2x a year

What was the weather like in your town today? lets google. it was 92 today

Are there any phrases or words that you say a lot? talk to me goose, comin’ in hot, that’s ridiculous, sup homie

How many boyfriends or girlfriends have you ever had? ehgghghg

Have you ever ordered a specially made cake from a cake shop? Yeah, many times.

What was the last movie you saw and who did you watch it with? serendipity 

What's the name of your first real boyfriend or girlfriend? I would say John

Do you clean your ears daily? Not daily, but every couple days.

What accent do you have? midwestern.

What scent of air freshener do you keep in your bathroom? It varies. usually a tree scent of some sort

Have you ever dated a model? No.

What's the best job you've ever had? hmm. babysitting an infant for like 2 hours 3x a week and making like 260 bucks a week.

How about the worst? nannying for a family where the dad was constantly trying to hit on me.

Do you have naturally straight hair? No, pretty curly.

What is your ultimate goal in life? To continuously find beauty in every day 

Have you ever visited someone in prison? nope

What months were you and your siblings born in? july, august, august, january

Do you write down your passwords in a physical place to prevent losing them? ahahhahahaha ummm a few of them. i am often in a “forgot your password?” situation

What are your three favourite vegetables? broccoli, cauliflower, potatoes

How many times a day do you check Facebook or any other social network? its SEVERELY decreased since not being on my phone with kile. looking at my phone usually brings me sadness, because i seldom have any word from him. so I just leave it alone.

When was the last time you had a blocked nose? idk.. 5-6 months ago

Who is your favourite comedian? I am not really sure, I dont follow many comedians

What colour are the socks you're wearing today? havent worn any yet

What did you have for dinner last night? steak

What was the last concert you went to? I want to say relient k

Are you an ugly crier? not really no

What scent is the soap or body wash you use in the shower? I’m on vacation so the scent is like a lavendarish scent which is not my style at all.

Have you ever had sex in/on a vehicle? kind of. -.- not by choice.

Who do you live with? mom & gram

What letter does your street name begin with? numbers

Do you do anything to groom your eyebrows? absolutely I do.

When was the last time you ate at McDonald's? A few weeks ago.

What's your favourite Popsicle flavour? blue

Who was the last person you sent a Facebook message to and what did you say? i havent got a clue. I never go on FB

Do you have any injuries at the moment? yes. one of which is my shoulder and its reallyyyyyyy bugging me

Have you ever been to an ophthalmologist? the eye dr i used to go to was both opthamologist and optometrist so yes

Do you own any animal print clothes? oh probably.

Are you tall, short or average? Would you change this? im tall. I would, maybe it’d be less off-putting to others

When was the last time you went to a drug store/pharmacy? gosh, like a week ago.

Do you ever binge-watch TV shows? just the same ones ive watched for years

Have you ever mustered up the courage to tell someone how you feel only to be rejected? uhhh, no I can’t say I have. 

Do you keep your files and documents organised in one place? somewhat.

What's your favourite sweet treat to bake? my infamous cookies

Are you good at flirting and letting people know you're interested? ill be real honest, I am so slow to fall for someone that it takes some time for me.

What did you have for breakfast today? toast (gf) and eggs

Do you prefer sweet or savoury breakfasts? Sweet

Do you like chick-flicks? heck’n yea

Have you ever taken an acting class? no. not interested

When was the last time you watched one of your favourite movies? yesterday

How often do you use Youtube? seldom. 

What's the coolest thing you've ever dressed up as for Halloween? i dont really do that.

Are you ignoring anyone right now? yeah :( </3

How do you usually style your hair? It’s always up in a messy bun. especially with the heat. but I might chop it off this fall idk.

Do you have any tattoos? Tell me about them. Nope. i wonder if kile will ever get his

Have you ever worked in a store while someone shoplifted there? more times than I could count.

When was the last time you used a stove? tonight with a GF zucchini pizza

Is there anything you absolutely refuse to eat? mushrooms

Are you sitting, standing or laying (or something else) right now? I’m laying on my bed.

How many hours per week do you typically work? --

What was the last pill or tablet you took? probably headache meds or tummy meds on the day of my flight

How far away from your house is the closest grocery store? like 1.4 miles

Have you ever lived in university/college campus housing? Nope.

Who was the last person you complimented? uhhh maybe a sibling

Are you the type of person to take naps, even if you've slept plenty? I WISH

Do you have a crush on anyone at the moment? im trying not to, but im not successful yet

The age old question: dogs or cats? STOP ASKING ME TO MAKE A DECISION ON THIS

When was the last time you saw your best friend? ugh. i don’t think ill ever see him. He sent me a picture today, it was really nice to see his face.

Have you ever been fired from a job? Why? nope.

Are you tired right now? eh, not terribly.

Do you like spring rolls? I do.

What do you live on in terms of a street, road, crescent, place, court etc? street

How many purses or handbags do you own? like 5

Do you get along with all your aunts and uncles? no. some of them I never ever developed relationships with because their parents hated my dad.

Have you ever eavesdropped and heard something you didn't want to hear? Yeah gahhhh i hate that

When was the last time you used a pen, pencil or marker? uhhh yesterday I think

What's your favourite type of curry? None.

Do you often go to do or say something and then just forget? not often

Have you ever had casual sex? Noooooooo. not my thing

What was the last thing you paid for with cash? clothes

What's the last letter of your middle name? h

If your phone rang right now from a number you don't know, would you answer? Nope. I hardly answer for numbers I know

How long is your hair? middle of my back

What was your first pet's name and how did you pick that? Millie. I didn’t have anything to do with that, I was a baby.

Do you drink diet or regular soda? diet. I don’t like the taste of regular.

Have you ever been to Europe? No, but I’d love to go.

Do you worry about your own health? I try not to.

Who did you last make plans with, and what plans did you make? family. 

Can you smell anything right now? Not at the moment, no

How old were you when you got your first cell phone? I was 18 or 19

When was the last time you bought a pair of shoes? ooo boy, its been a minute. I need new shoes, and I also need to get rid of old shoes.

Do you like fruit and vegetable combo juices? not at all. maybe I need to revisit them.

Have you ever been on a spring break trip? Yep yep

Would you rather be warmer or colder right now? colder always.

How tall are your highest heels? I have like 4″ heels but I shouldn’t be wearing them anymore

What's your favourite flavour of frosting? omfg i want frosting so bad. any flavor

When did you wake up today? I fell asleep around 430am and then woke up around 545 my time. 

Do you change your appearance often? I mean, hair color yeah.

What colour are the street signs in your town/suburb? Green

How many people do you work with? --

What was the last thing you ate? piece of chocolate.

Do you have any plans for three hours in the future? either this or sleeping

Has anyone ever made a comment about your weight that offended or upset you? people have definitely made comments about my weight before. just leave me aloneeeeeeeeee.

---- i wish i really was the most important thing on the planet to you. :( maybe then you’d have picked me? </3

[teachers-are-nerds]

why does my brain keep saying very loudly and rapidly “i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to fucking die” even though i absolutely do not want to die right now i dont even have the motivation to scream but i wonder if a solid scream would be cathartic

theres just so many things i need to complain about my heart is pounding so hard im in pain and im shaking and everything feels bad and i cant change my meds bc i cant contact my psychiatrist from france or like... more importantly figure out the logistics

i dont wanna go back to the states though bc gburg is probably gonna be hella toxic for me again even though my schedule for next year is super good and im super looking forward to it

why did i send home all of my sheet music and why didnt i send home my jackets holy wow that’s gonna be a lot of weight i cant pay for with the luggage on my way home

what if im not mentally ill enough for meds i know i have to change them bc at this moment i am NOT feeling helped by them but what if another med will make me even worse and what if i am actually just shitty at managing symptoms and how come everyone else seems to be able to manage or hide or work through their shit and i have to go and make a big fucking deal out of it all and i literally even wrote my prof like “hi btw ive been suicidal thats why i havent been in class” and that’s just using mental health as a fucking excuse it’s not like an hour and a half of sitting through a class from which i glean approximately nothing would actually kill me, as it were lol

i have to get the key to christine but that means 20 min walk home and 20 min walk back and maybe the sunlight will be good for me but i also need to write the other two pages of my paper that im obviously not doing now since im complaining and making a bajillion zillion posts all over social media lol it is a cry for help how come i cant make myself do the things i need to do im literally in physical pain because i cant make myself do the paper that was due an entire week ago !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how the actual fuck did i even graduate high school how did i fucking survive

well i mean i didnt drink in high school but i also got apx 3h of sleep a night so idk

im not drinking today though like i refuse to do that today bc money and also i need to just uhh not drink for a while because that’s what healthy people do. not day drink on weekdays.

i thought i was better abt that this year than last year but i guess not as much as i thought but at least im not sleeping in my friend’s bed every other night?? which is an improvement

god i fucking hate that i cut myself out of the queermmunity like that even though it’s better for me i just wish i did it in a more mature way im so fucking angry at myself im not even homesick at all i miss like 4 or 5 people from the states in total and i feel fucking awful that theres a bunch of people who will message me like “omg miss u” and i know i miss them too but like i feel like im lying when i respond “miss u 2″ and that isnt fair at all and i hate it i hate feeling like im lying to my friends i hate that i dont miss them i hate that this semester is supposedly the best semester of my life and i still have to convince myself not to step in front of a bus sometimes and i hate that The Brain Demons are clawing my stomach out from the inside but at least i havent purged in a while so there’s that and usually i can talk myself out of other self harm shit

and putting the content of my complaining post in the tags is to warn people if they read it but also it’s gonna make some people like OH NO UR IN DANGER LET ME READ THIS and i dont ?? i dont want that???????? but i also do???? good fucking lord i hate being such an attention whore

i hate that im a whore in general

like i dont regret any sexploits ive had whatever but i hate that i feel jealous of some people because i dont want to monopolize their lives and i dont want to prevent them from sharing love w other people i jsut want people to cuddle and kiss and be romantic with and it hurts but i also cant ocmplain abt it with my friends bc they also are like dammit i want a partner and me i have a few consistent sex partners but i want romantic partners but i need to change the people with whom i spend my time because they are not great for my mental health and i hate that bc i love them dearly but im destroying myself just in a different way from last year

the people i loved last year are driving me up a goddamn wall and i hate that i hate that i hate that so much bc i still care about them but im such an idiot i cant stand up for what feels right or against what feels wrong to me bc ill jsut get yelled at and i know that means i shouldnt be close to them im so hurting today

everything feels like too much and im shaking and still avoiding responsibilities and idk if writing this post is gonna get it out of my head enough bc on one hand i might tire myself out and not feel the need to write about it more to people and not have to bother them or like idk continue distracting conversations or maybe having people worry and try to talk to me will give me something to ignore so i can make myself write my paper idfk!!!!!!!!! but on the other hand uhh what if this is just going to make me fixate even more on my problems im screaming in sid e

oh ps im realizing that my family dynamic, while much much miuchn much much better than so fuckin many other people (feels conceited to say but im grateful for it and feel i cant or shouldnt talk abt it in case it triggers something in those with shitty home situations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) im recognizing that smth about the dynamic feels unstable as well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what if i finish my paper, turn it in, sit for 20 minutes of class, go breathe, come back for the end

idfk othe rstudents need to talk to the prof too i cant monopolize him with the same content from my email to him and the same “i need help but idk what help i need” statement from last week or whatever

idk

idk idk idk will summer help me at all? will i live at home? will that be better or worse for me? can i remove all the materialism from my life? obv no but i feel i need to get rid of everything i own to cleanse myself of whatever and also i feel like cutting my own stomach and other organs out of myself but i obv cant and promise i wont try that lol

what work will i have or internships i dont have money i feel trapped will i hate myself forever will i be stuck in loops forever i will absolutely live long enough to find out and i will overcome things but like jesus chriiiiiiiiiiiiist im Not Good rn im sorry

yells

[itsspelledkloee]

No one reads my posts but idc. Im going to use the platform i have to speak.

No one knows what I have.

Mentally? Anxiety runs in the family, so does depression and very bad OCD. I have these. But i also have hallucinations of shadow people, especially at night (even if im in a lit building or sm) and in reflections like inside cars or in windows. I have intrusive thoughts but they havent been bad in a long time. My old therapist thinks i have female** aspergers and synithesia.

Physically? I have chronic fatigue, which can affect my walking, horrible stomach pains (im assuming IBS no doctor has confirmed or denied, i also have been diagnosed with insulin resistance, PCOS, and im lactose intolerant) i have seizure activity in my brain (after doing an EKG) which i think is linked to why my right arm will sometimes look demonically possessed. It will fly around hitting anything and everything, but heres the thing, if I very very strongly stop my arm, it will move to my right leg to where i cannot walk, then my left, and then my face, at which point i just let it go through my right arm again because at least then i can walk and talk.

People are surprised when i tell them only some of these. They ask why i havent gone to the doctor, am i on any meds, what do your parents say, etc. Yes i have been to the doctors. The only meds i have ever been on is Birth Control (which made things worse) and stuff for depression and anxiety. Nothing else. The doctors usually tell me to “watch it” and to “eat healthy and excersize”.

My parents

Dad does all the talking, mom just wants everything to at least look normal. Here are some fun things my parents (dad) has done to help:

1) we went to disney, i could not walk well in the heat and for so long. My legs were slowly being less and less able to move. I saw a bunch of red scotter things all over and figured disney probably rented them out. I asked my dad if I could use something to help me walk. He saw what i was looking at, but told me he didnt want me to end up like the lady near us. The type of person who gets lazy and just rides those cause theyre fat or old or whatever. I asked them can i rent a cane. He told me that to get better, i needed to continue walking. As the day went on, my family grew more and more annoyed at how little i could walk.

2) also at the disney park, i told dad i wanted to go back to the hotel because i couldnt listen and watch something as intense as they were planning to. Nope, toughen up. I emded up just sitting on the floor inside a gift shop.

3) my family gets angry that i take so long in the bathroom. Ive litterally had blood from tearing in my anus, while they were telling me to stop being on my phone in the bathroom.

4) i was talking about my suicidal thoughts and such. He told me “you need to just stop with all that suicide depression stuff”

Im leaving for college soon. Im buying myself a cane for bad days. And to all those parents out there: Listen to your child when they say something hurts. Please.

[theirtheretheyre]

ok yeet lets go

name/nickname: lexa is what i use on here; not gonna share my irl name. i dont have many nicknames, but my mom used to call me Roo.

gender: she/they havent found a term i vibe with right but def not cis

star sign: i know im a cancer but i wasnt even aware people have multiple signs until recently like what????

height: five two -ish

current time: 9:27

birthday: july 19

fave bands: queen, bastille, p!atd, wallows

fave solo artists: lorde, troye sivan, david bowie, girl in red, king princess

current song stuck in your head: swEET CAROLINE BAH BAH BAH

last watched movie: ??? i think it was wonder woman 1984

last binged show: criminal minds

when you created your blog: made it maybe a year ago, but never used it til a few months ago

last thing you googled: foo fighters medicine at midnight (my parents fave band’s upcoming album; i was looking when it came out to see which parent’s b-day it’s colser to)

other blogs: none

do you get asks: uh nope lol

why i chose my URL: i find the thought of a limitless fountain of knowledge/ideas to be funny. i also feel like the internet is this huge pool of knowledge and ideas, and people blogs are just a little tap of that and you can decide what you want to get. so i this weird internet water analogy, i am a shitty little faucet whose handle is kinda stuck and sometimes you get cold water instead of hot and it’s a bit metallic tasting but whatever not gonna fix that.

how many blogs you follow: 17(??? i swear i followed more im going to be following more tonight lol)

how many followers do you have: 2? 3? (i had my followed blogs open in a tab on my phone already, dont feel like checking followers)

average hours of sleep: most nights, about 5 to 8, but when i dont take my meds, none

instruments: none, but if theres a piano, i will press every key

currently wearing: a nasa sweater and christmas pajama pants

dream job: an author, or something with kids(special ed/school social worker)

dream trip: travel the whole world kinda! there’s a whole bunch of beautiful places i would love to visit for a week; i love looking at pictures but i think it’s be great to watch without having to look away,. wanna see the smoky mountains, alaska, hawaii, the rainbow mountains in both china and peru, hot springs in iceland, take a sunrise hot air balloon ride in bagan, among other places.

fave food: frosted flakes, sushi, and culvers chicken sandwiches.

nationality: american

top three fictional universes you want to live in:

RWRB can you imagine waking up sept 27 2020 going online and the first thing you see is not tr*mp but alex and henry and everone with wifi going holy shit i’d also probably have a blog pez stan blog(not me being in love with him, he’s just iconic and wild enough for me to want to document what he does)

ATLA hhhnnnggg i could have a firebender girlfriend who’s warm bc i am freezing all the time

MCU the superheroes are all in new york i am not so i dont have to deal with them fucking up my entire city but they still exist. thank you superheroes for just avoiding the midwest entirely

uuhhhhh tagging @kouje​ @wayward-fairchild​ @homosexual-having-tea​ and everyone else on this site

interview tag

tagged by @dorianthespider ri (that’s my nickname for you deal with it) what the fuck? dude this is way too long

name/nickname: noëmi and fun story in my 17 years of existence i did not once receive a nickname and then i got 2 in the span of 10 minutes and now i can’t get enough of them. mimi, tuna, em, nyoom, nom (nom), emi oh and bubbles. there are also some petnames that zee (@yeeharley, i tagged you here already now do it🥺💕) gives to me (oh and they also used to call me sunshine a while back)

gender: she/they

star sign:

sun - libra/scorpio (was born on the cusp)

moon - virgo

rising - capricorn

height: 1.66 m (i think it could be taller but im not sure)

current time: 23.08

birthday: october 21

fave bands: ac/dc, queen, black sabbath, fob, p!atd, against the current

fave solo artists: lizzo, pat benatar, janis joplin & ruth b.

current song stuck in my head: on my way from brother bear

last watched movie: the godfather part III

last binged show: the flight attendant

when you created your blog: some time before my birthday in 2018 i think

last thing you googled: exhale lyrics it was to check if i got the lyrics right for an ask that @whoispotatoe-s (tagging you too😌💕) sent in from an ask game earlier today

other blogs: @stunningsilences, my sweet and innocent child with a love for photography, and one other that i won’t talk about

do you get asks: i do, usually it’s just when i do an ask game tho or when it’s sparky my daily anon who tells me i'm sweet for sending a good morning ask to zee every day

why i chose my url: GWENMJ RIGHTS!!!!

how many blogs you follow: 118

how many followers you have: oh damn i have 95. since when? from where did you guys come?!! and more importantly why the hell did you stay??

average hours of sleep: ha we do not talk about this

instruments: none, i am not talented like my friends

currently wearing: a pink tank top and black sweats

dream job: don’t know don’t ask, maybe photography, maybe chemistry, maybe screenwriting

dream trip: i wanna travel everywhere and do photography maybe overthrow a few corrupt governments here and there you know the usual

fave food: uhh idk i love a lot but saoto soup is great, but i do love a good pad thai. probably those two, i would kill for both of them

nationality: dutch

top 3 fictional universes you wanna live in:

the mcu

ouat

atla

tagging: besides the two i already tagged, @michellejones-stacy, @shadedrose01, @lilacsandlilies4, @smallkindofdisaster, @peachy-keener & @favreaus

[coridallasmultipass]

Tmi / talk about menstruation and iud / venting / but i just wanna get this out, and maybe someone else is in the same boat as me because ive never been able to find any accounts of similar experiences ... I wanna preface this by saying im 26 and have rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia/chronic pain, which is probably related but i dont know how. I normally have super heavy periods and debilitating cramps, along with discomfort during penetration (or similar activities) on some occasions. Ive tried a couple different birth control options over the years and each one has given me constant cramping. Its weird because the cramping on the pill (2 or 3 different kinds of BC pills in different times of my life) and depoprovera shot were the same in that i would get terrible cramps whenever i did any kind of activity but especially when i stand up from a sitting position. I remember being in college and standing up and having to immediately sit back down hunched over until it passed. I got the depo shot a few months ago and it was the worst thing ever. I had severe cramping with all kinds of movement (and havent been able to even touch myself without setting off the cramps) and after a month of it i started bleeding for a month straight until a doctor gave me estrogen pills on top of it to stop the bleeding. The pills stopped the bleeding but not the cramps, so the plan was for me to wait it out and try an iud next since the medicine would be administered locally instead of by pill or shot through my whole body.... three months during the depo shot i could not exercise or do any physical activity, which of course is making my fibromyalgia and mood worse. I feel like ive lost a whole year to the depo shot, on top of other health problems that have been acting up before the depo. It sucked and im not trying it again. I had about 2 weeks until the mirena iud insertion where i was taking the estrogen pills and still cramping (along with getting a full heavy and bad cramping period during the vitamin-pill week while i waited for the prescription to come in. The cramping was so bad i almost wanted to go to the emergency room, but it lessened by the next day even if i was still going through so many pads.) Before the iud insertion i took a pill the night before which the doctor said could help loosen up my organ to allow for easier insertion since ive never had a kid. I knew i could expect a lot of pain given how sensitive i know i am, but the few people ive heard get them said it was only really painful during and they were fine after, so i figure i could be strong and deal with it if its going to help stop my monthly cramping and bleeding. Turns out the insertion was the worst pain ive ever felt in my life. Normally having a speculum put in already puts me in considerable pain (a speculum feels like a shard of glass shoved in me) but it pales in comparison to getting the iud. I was crying out and struggling to stay still during the proceedure but once it was over i hoped it would start to feel better. It burned with pain and still does days later. I didnt realise i would get severe cramping immediately after the insertion, but i could barely stand up. The doctors had to let me stay in the room for like a half hour before i could limp back to the car. Im lucky i had my mom to drive me home because i could still barely breathe it hurt so badly. I took tylenol about a half hour before the proceedure but i dont think it did anything. I couldnt take advil because of other medicines im taking. So the only other thing i could do is lay there screaming in pain with the heating pad pressed on me. A few hours later my mom had to call an on-call doctor from the same hospital and he said to go to the er so we went. The rest of the night is kind of blurry i was in so much pain and could barely think. The er gave me a painkiller and later a muscle relaxant before telling me i have to stop my other meds so i can take advil. I was there for like 6 hours i think, feeling waves of terrible cramps that feel like a knife is slicing the inside of me - the same feeling as the iud insertion. I feel bad for everyone who had to hear me screaming every 10 minutes and my mom who had to stay with me. The doctors kicked me out immediately after giving me advil and i went home barely able to even walk or move. It took me another 2 hours to manage to fall asleep even though i was so exhausted and had the worst chest and body pain from being so tense at experiencing the worst pain of my life. Nornally, if unmedicated, ill get periods so bad im screaming in pain, but it will only last 1-2 hours until the advil or tylenol kicks in and dulls it down to a bearable ache, so this iud was supposed to be my fall back on options to eliminate cramps. (I really wish the doctor would just let me get a hysterectomy i dont ever want kids and this whole situation is giving me severe gender dysphoria) Yesterday i spent the whole day sleeping off my traumatic er experience and today im still getting really horrible waves of cramping and nausea. Thankfully im not bleeding (...yet?) But it still feels like having a tampon being yanked out of me that wont come out. The knife feeling isnt there so im not screaming, but the cramps are still so bad and i dont know if i need to take it out. The er doctor said to take it out if the advil doesnt help, and that this is most likely anxiety making the pain get out of control. The er nurse said this is normal. Like??? How the fuck to people deal with this im scared about taking it out because thats probably going to hurt even more. I forgot to ask my prescribing doctor if theres a risk for toxic shock or something but like i dont have a fever its just so painful feeling it there. The placement is "right" according to the ultrasounds but it hurts so much and is still giving me cramps I really dont know how anyone could deal with this the whole thing is so upsetting i want it out but i dont want to deal with the proceedure to get it out and that same severe cramping i dont think theyll allow it to be a surgical removal but i wont be able to sit there and deal with it again!!!! Just thinking about all of it is giving me more anxiety too, i have such dysphoria about my internal organs and such a terrible phobia about even having them!!! This amount of cramping should not fucking be "normal" i hate being invalidated at the er like that God i just dont know what to do the cramping is so bad and im still scared of getting an ulcer from the advil. Thats another thing. A year ago i got an ulcer from taking advil because of period cramps, so ive been suffering taking tylenol! Thats why i want a BC that works to get rid of cramps and bleeding!! Now here i am with the worst cramps and bloating of my life!! How am i expected to function like this!!! I dont remember half of the past few days because ive been in so much pain!!! I can only hope this gets better because it feels worse today than it did yesterday, even if its not as bad as the day before when i had the insertion done. The doctor said if im still having the same kind of cramps ive been getting with the other types of birth control after a month i can look into other options (hopefully hysterectomy!!) But thats so far away and i havent been able to practise driving or apply to any jobs because i cant fucking do more than sit or lie down because of the god damn cramps Ive lost like all my personality and enjoyment of life and lost any one i could call a friend because this is consuming me and i cant fucking do anything i hate it i just want something to go right for once i want to be able to exercise again i love exercising and i havent been able to go for a walk without getting winded and severe cramping I cant even find other people that get cramping on birth control when standing up or doing activities so i dont know why this is happening to me ive looked everywhere i can and all i get is dysphoria because """"mensutruation is a womens health problem"""" and my phobia of pregnancy makes it impossible to browse forums I dont know what my point to all this is i just really need to vent because i feel so alone with this specific problem Life sucks and then you die i guess lmao

[unicornninjabitch]

You: no one asked for another one of these

Me: yeah i know sorry i just have a lot of emotions and shit lately

(Haha thats a lie all i feel lately is annoyed and pain)

Anyway yes I’m going to complain more about life cause i have some emotions i need to get out and shit. Okay I’m very much a night owl, I have been my whole life, I work better t night and just love the night sky and shit. However 8th grade I was really, super, hella depressed cause of family stuff and school and being totally alone and you know the depression (thanks genes!), so I’d be absolutely TERRIFIED to be left alone with my thoughts. I’d stay up all night on youtube or some cringey website or on tumblr just so I didn’t have to lay in bed and think. Also very closeted, very depressed baby Alex had no idea wtf a healthy coping mechanism was, so I cut and it was bad like an every night thing cause after I did I was suddenly really tired and could almost sleep instantly once it hit like 2-3 am. Anyway I fucked my sleeping schedule up at a very young age, so that habit never left and the earliest I go to bed anymore is 12-12:30, whatever im used to it, not good for me but whatever. Then summer started and I didn’t sleep till like 1am-2am so I chalked it up to “it’s summer whatever”, but then it was 2 am-3am and I thought that was a one time thing, but nope. Now (as in the past week/week and a half ish) I’m lucky to get 2-3 hours of sleep and even then I’m up at like 9 am. As you can imagine this has lead to a good amount of problems, but first one additional thing. Now it’s just me and my mom at our house, but because of hour cuts and paying for school and catching up on bills and other shit we don’t really have a ton of money which means we don’t have a ton of food which means what we have we have to make last. With that being said back track to me getting 2-3 hours of sleep, now my body’s tired and I’m exhausted I just wont go to fucking sleep, but I’m hungry as hell. We didn’t have cereal and milk for awhile, so that left me with pasta like I said I’m exhausted so pasta involves cooking, but I couldn’t do it. I knew I’d be too tired half way through the water boiling to finish let alone eat anything. Also cause we don’t have a ton of money I’d get 2 free meals a day in school so I wouldn’t go a whole day (or week) without eating real food (i mean it was gross government food but it got the job done), but in summer I didn’t get that so I just havent eaten really all summer like i could probably count on my hands how many actual meals ive eaten all summer. So the not eating mixed with the not sleepings fucking awful as you can imagine.I had a headache so bad I had to close my curtains put on sunglasses cover my head with a blanket and put my ice on my head in an attempt to help ease the pain, but WAIT THERES MORE. Every bone in my body constantly feels like it needs to crack and im just constantly really achey (idk if that has to do anything but it hurts like hell) Ive tried stretching and resting but it doesnt help, BUT THERES EVEN MORE!! The not eating!! I can feel my stomach being totally empty besides some water and that shit fucking hurts (idk how baby Alex did that shit) AND A FINAL THING your boy was born with god awful child bearing parts and guess what came up?! That’s right devil week so i feel like someones just stabbing me with a pitchfork while also trying to eject food thats not there. Therefore the past few nights Ive basically been clutching my stomach and head, the heating pad isnt helping, and pain killers arent helping much.

At this point youre probably like “dude just some nyquil” which yeah youre right i should but we didnt have extra money this week to buy any and we dont have any so thats why i didnt do that. Also like I said before I /am/ tired, im really fucking tired and i dont really have thoughts its more like fast and loud static and like energy i have to get out or i get uncomfortable, so the past few nights (last night was really bad) Im up clutching and rocking and snapping and tapping my feet just trying to get rid of that energy. It comes a little bit in the day i was talking to a friend and typing so fucking fast while also thinking about some oc idea and then BAM no energy at fucking all like i had to lay down. This also leads into ive been trying to read out loud to myself so i can try to get my voice lower cause my voice bothers the hell out of me, but i cant focus for longer than like 5 minutes cause of loud static and extra energy and being tired and my eyes being tired so its really frustrating.

The thing is i go to a psychiatrist for my meds and what she told me (idk if this is true everywhere or just how she is) that i had like textbook bipolar but becaue at the time i was ike 14/15 they didnt want to diagnose it cause i was still young. Bipolar runs in my family, just like depression and anxiety, so i wasnt super suprised by that and as i got older i got less scared (theres nothing scary about people with bipolar btw i just didnt know what to expect or think cause of how i saw it in like movies and stuff) i thought maybe i wasnt and i just had highs and lows like everyone else, but looking back i can see that the highs and lows were really extreme and like i said before i was super suicidal last year and just kinda gave up and earlier this summer it took a lot of energy to do anything, but this isnt like doing reckless things kinda high like it normally is and it fucking suck ass guys. On top of that my ever so supporting lately mother was like “look up manic episodes” so i told her i know what it is but she just pushed to look it up so i did and of course i made a joke about increased sexual activity (which my virgin is not) and looked like yes i know. (side note dw too much im going to the doctors tomorrow and im gonna see what i can do about my meds and stuff).

So yeah sorry for another shitty life update (not including tons of dysphoria, isolation, and more self hate but whatevs)

[in-paradox-space]

today I haven’t done anything. I’ve been down, anxious and lazy.

I want to get high with friends and do sesh things.

I want to draw in my notebook which got lost along with my drawing pens

and some other stuff

I left my bag in a taxi

I left basically all my convenient shit in that bag, chargers, some meds, my ps4 controller, more usb wires, more usb shit but its all really niche convenient techy shit

it isnt that niche but for “””””techies””””” and travelers alike (me) its really convenient

usb type c and micro usb chargers, otg cables, plug heads, usb 3.0 card readers which btw i can plug into my otg cable transferring torrented shit from my phone to a usb wherever i am

a tiny amount of oxy and codeine, 2 weeks worth of medicine roughly, plus some 5htp vitamins

hella baggies just because

probably makes the prescription medicine in there look suspicious

my beanie

and a small sketchbook, pocket sized

I’ve had it since the start of 2017.

I’ve been developing my very own abstract drawing style in that book for over a year.

Nothing valuable was lost. Luckily my camera&lens worth around a grand wasn’t in there

but its just all my convenient stuff

and what sucks most is losing that sketchbook

and as ive been home alone today

ive wanted all the shit in that bag

i can get over the stuff in there

but I want my sketchbook back

it has my address in there, my name, probably some contact details

I really hope they send it there. Even if they keep the other shit.

I may have left the bag in a taxi though. Usually I’d walk to the taxi place, then walk back. It’s like 2.5 miles in total which is a good thing for me because I like the walk

gets me outside,etc

but uh im anxious

honestly most likely because I fapped

I fap like once every one or two weeks. Nofap is no lie. I feel like shit the next few days afterwards

and uhhh

my neighbour moved out, which leaves his girlfriend in the apartment next door... if shes even his gf anymore???? i have no idea but theyre both moving apparently

well yeah i spoke to her boyfriend a lot, got on with him

but i barely know her

and i have no key to the front door of my apartment building, long frustrating story lol

lost my keys

i keep going to the same key cutter because i have no cash and they do free fixes when their own keys fuck up

they made one key cut work, my apartments, but the one to the front door doesn’t work

i dont want to ask her to open the front door, i dont want to knock on her door, its just

the word here is awkward but everything is awkward thats not really a reason

im just irrationally anxious. I feel like she doesn’t like me. There’s many reasons for her not to but also reasons for her to.

Either way I don’t want to annoy her

and it would just be awkward if she heard me try to open the door, then its locked and she hears that from her apartment

then she hears me go back up the stairs and not knock on her door

then that leaves us both in an awkward place

do i knock on her door, knowing there’s a 50/50 chance she heard my attempt to leave my own apartment building

then do that shit

or do i go back into my flat, knowing she probably heard me avoid her

she can put two and two together

hmmmmmmmmmmmm

then she may even knock on herself

with her nice smile which is actually pretty welcoming tbh

well tomorrow

yeah tomorrow i think oh well ill find out

im getting more medicine which i ordered since i ran out and lost mine

one that im able to live without for a week no problem, havent had it for a few days

im supposed to get a blood test every month on this medicine but its been 3 months

lets hope im aight

and uhhh

i need some kick out of this slump

i just keep lazing around

like i have so much i can be doing

like studying, making things for my pages

just hella shit which isnt even that laborious

like i make memes

thats my main thing

i have hella pages

its fun to make them 

i draw too

thats also one of my main things on the down low

but i keep putting it off

i play rythym games

analyze music

can be boring sometime but im under no pressure to do that

i make videos with my friend

god yeah i should do that

like my studying isnt that hard

i dont have to clean toilets every day

man  i just

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i want to get high on oxy and codeine for 2 weeks

but theres just a few a lot of problems with that:

money for one

thats 2 weeks out of my life

withdrawal from friends, having to hide that im back on the horse

then choosing between lying and telling the truth every time afterwards about the 2 weeks

then it wouldnt be as simple as just stopping would it?

maybe it would, sometimes i do just stop like its nothing

and what do i gain

but you know what

oxy might give me that kick

i just dont know the prices on the deepweb or how to use the deepweb

plus i dont have the money

but yeah i guess i feel like being withdrawn for 2 weeks

wouldnt mind doing some light opiates and reading homestuck

plus drawing 

then maybe cramming physics and maths work into literally every hour for a few days

im apparently having some xanax sent over by a friend

im having my doubts about that. it still hasnt arrived and he has reasons to not send them but still make me pay

this is my tumblr and nobody is fucking reading so yeah

but still drugs are mentioned, this is public and liable

id mention him but im just gonna say its the serious boyfriend of someone who got close to me

it fucked with him when it happened. idk how he feels about it now but hes polite to me

it could just be a polite front though, idk how he really feels

i actually really fucking admire the dude

a lot 

everything ive learned about him, from him and our mutual person has just been fucking exceptional

and thats on my mind every time she advanced on me

every time i invited it

every time i chose not to say no

hes a really great dude like i just

he could have beat me up that one time but he understood

he understood pretty much all times i think

and he opened up to me 

whether he sees it that way or not, i see it that way

id love to be his friend. maybe i will be even though this shit is in the air

but i think he may just be being polite, he probably hates me

but yeah

i like the dude

i dont want to fuck around with something that matters so much to him

when i honestly dont want to bother with her

shes admirably smart, very much so, but just not really the kinda person i want to spend more than an evening with

and i only want to be around her when she isnt drunk and in a good mood

shes so volatile i cant be doing with that

but thats why i commend him even more

hes stayed with her through it all and hes such a great person, in my eyes, to be in her life

and if hes gonna try to get cash from me this way then that sucks

like id probably just pay him if he asked considering how much hes forked out 

but nah hes gotta deceive me

i dont even wanna get into benzos, as nice as it is a few hours in,

i just dont like this memory fog

i dont remember any of it 

and the withdrawal seems fucking SCARY

plus tolerance and the fun wearing off when u get hooked

why couldnt he just sell me oxy lol

............. i may ask him

if i was doing oxy id probably actually get the fuck up

do the shit i wanna do

but yeah fuck that

thats basicslly all im saying

im getting anxious, low and unmotivated again

id call it dysthymia

[vinilsoup]

ok so this is a vent post caus is 2am and i woke up in pain, and im sad. Under the read more bc probably will be negative

My whole life has been a big mess. My parents were old and had an overly anxious kid (me), my mom had depression and treated me as an equal and not as a fucking child and i didnt have maturity to deal with her problems, and i started showing signs of depression really early. But instead of getting me into theraphy they put me into meds, and they always blamed me for my bad behaviator once I hit like 10 yo but like they only listened to me and my problems if i made a big deal abt it otherwise it was brushed off. They always complained to me that people said I was spoiled and it was true and somehow it was my fault and not theirs. I always felt that if I never had been born they would be happier, bc I only caused trouble and didn’t exactly knew what I did wrong. If they were in a good mood, they wouldn’t even be mad, but if I did the same thing in a bad day it was suddently a big deal.

That would have been enought to traumatize me for a long time, but idk i guess i pissed off some god or something in a past life bc I literally had to see my mother suffer a long and painful death at a hospital when I was 14. I was very close to her and the only reason I didn’t started trying to kill myself earlier is bc she was able to calm me down always, not sure how. From her death foward my life goes to complete shit. Had only one person i was able to get close to after that, and it was a pretty toxic friendship for both of us(nowadays its my best friend but i cant deny the bad past). I was also very very lonely, didnt get along with my father bc my mom used to paint him as a monster to me and i still believed that and ended up blaming him for her death which i feel really bad abt bc he was literelly depressed after her death. He told me multiple times I was the reason he was still alive, the worst part is that my mom used to say the same thing for me while I was growing up. So when she died I literally felt I had no reason to be alive anymore. 

Oh yeah and I was born into the mormon church lmao and when my mom died i started to slowly stop going to the church activities and they got mad at me bc of it like ???? when I decided to stop going, the bishop came into my house without calling, just showed at the door, and told me even if I kept following the church rules,I would still not get to heaven bc I wasn’t going every sunday.  I had told him before that i still believed it but I didn’t feel like going anymore bc I got home depressed every time I stepped into that church. After that, I wasnt able to pray for about a year bc i was terrified god would tell me to go back to the church and i didn’t want that to happen. I felt like I was going to go to hell if god was real, bc i really used to believe the mormon shit.

When things started to get better, when me and my dad started getting along and I had finally found good doctors to help me with my suicidal tendendcies (I literally tried to kill myself every month for like 2 years), my dad died. I had just turned 18. I have several issues because of trauma. I can’t trust people, I always think they’re with me bc I agree with everything and people will hate me if I don’t. I still have a lot of trouble with sexual themes bc of the mormon, i feel like i can’t slight inconvenience people or they will hate me, i feel responsable for other people hapiness, and still am not able to find I reason I want to live, I always think to live for other people, I care too much about what other people think, I’m overly sensitive, I can’t stand up for myself without feeling I’m wrong, and usually I have a panic attack if I have to stabilish boundaries with someone who disrespects me. I don’t know how to fix this. I’m trying, but its so hard to not be afraid of other people.

The good part is that I stopped trying to kill myself every month, but it still happens ocasionally. But its still very hard to me to believe things will get better, like from the beginning my life wasnt easy, and it only got harder, I absolutely still feel like my mental illness is my fault and I’m not trying hard enought to ‘beat it”. Its just so unfair, I am not able to be dependable on other people bc i feel like i can’t, i feel like i can’t be a burden and i always isolate myself. I’ve been in quarantine completely alone the last 5 months, and don’t have money to go see my family, and they seem like they don’t want me to go see them anyway. I live far from all my friends. I know this is a very bad thing but sometimes my friends tell me about their problems and I can’t take it seriously after all I’ve been thought. I try to, bc  i know what is like to not have you problems be taken seriously bc people think its not a big deal. Im very sensitive and never had my feelings taken seriously.

Like, Im supposed to believe it gets better?? It was always been hard, and I havent been able to actually enjoy life. Life was always painful and unkind to me. I had a friend who said he enjoyed life and I remember thinking he was insane, I didn’t understand, I thought life was shitty to everyone, but then I saw it wasn’t. Some people are happy. Some people don’t even have big problems. I never saw that friend of mine complain about anything. I feel bad about it bc i remember getting genuinely angry abt it, and I shouldnt be angry that other people have a good life, but I genuinely don’t understand why some people are so happy and in the other hand some people are so miserable. And I know I don’t have it that bad. It could be worse.

I’ve been dealing with my mental health my whole life, but most of the time I feel like I’m too broken to be fixed. That I never will have a life that makes me feel that being alive is worth it, because to me being alive feels like a sacrifice, it always felt. I’m scared, what if I’m never able to move foward? I don’t know if I have the strenght to fix by myself everything I have been throught. Ever since I was a kid I always said that I didn’t asked to be born and it stands to this day. I still feel responsible for my unhapiness, but I didnt ask to be me. I feel like if i was another person, id be able to deal better with all of this. 

I know its a very negative point of view, but right now its how i feel. I’m just tired, very tired.

[g5b3ysjw-blog]

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[zroeriws-blog]

Can I drive my mom’s car if I don’t have insurance?

Can I drive my mom s car if I don t have insurance?

She s sick and I need to get to school. I have my license but I m not under her insurance policy (Encompass)

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :insureoptionsreview.top

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