myheadabovewater - Tumblr blog

[myheadabovewater]

TW: major verbal abuse and vulgar language

I'm not gonna be able to fall asleep tonight because of this exchange. I just took my BP meds which should help some though. Tomorrow is Sunday though, so nothing to do. I can sleep when I need to.

What led up to this text exchange was like this..

My kid who's 8 wanted to play out back before dinner because it snowed a bit today. F was out with S somewhere. I got him dressed and told him to go ahead but I'd be watching him in the window and he couldn't stay out long because it's getting dark and dinner is soon. I go sit in the window in my room and next thing I know I hear yelling and him crying and he storms upstairs hollering that he's not a baby. I knew right away his grandmother did something. I went in to calm him and find out what happened. He went to go out back and she told him he could not. He told her I said he could. She tells him she doesn't care what I said and he's not going outside.

This POS old woman...I called F and said that I need him to talk to his mom because of what she did, and she needs to back off and Never disrespect me that way again. He yelled at me and said he doesn't need to be bothered with shit every time he leaves the house. Which btw makes no sense because he goes out everyday (although he hasn't worked in 10 years at least), and I don't remember the last time I had to call him about a problem.

Anyway, after he hung up on me, said he wasnt gonna defend me, I went back to comfort my son and ask him if he wanted to help me make his dinner which he loves to do.

I don't think I've talked about this awful woman before but she's despicable.

She lives with us. Which btw was never run by me. I was told she was selling her house in FLA and was gonna stay a few weeks while she found a place to live.

Before she lived here, she was visiting when my son was a newborn. Her son and I were fighting and he was being physically violent. I told him I was going to call the police. He told her that, and she says to me that if I call the cops on him and have him arrested, when they get there she is gonna tell them I hit and attacked her, and who did I think they were gonna believe, me or a "frail old lady". Yeah, that's who I'm dealing with. For reference, she is not at all frail. She is in better health than I am, and only like 74 now. So back then she was around maybe 67. I was Shocked. I mean, I had a bad mom but a woman defending her son who is beating his gf who recently gave birth to his kid?! And then threatening to lie to the cops to have me arrested after being abused? I think it makes more sense now that she raised a psychopath since she showed her true colors. This is like a movie villain.

But all she does is complain. I mean, you have Never met a more miserable person. I swear I have never once heard her say something that isn't insulting someone or complaining.

She lived with us less than a year before she said she would not watch our son anymore. But she said she moved here to be around her only grandkid while he grew up, right? I haven't been able to figure out why she really invaded my life because she spends no time with him. He tries to go into her room (she never leaves her bed) and play a game or something but she treats him like dirt. I cringe every time I hear him interacting with her. It hurts my heart he is forced to be around her when she is such a bitch to him. She is perpetually annoyed and sooo put out by being asked to play a game of cards and not watch TV for 10 mins. She fills up the DVR 24/7 with tv shows and just sits on her bed and watches TV all day every day. She never leaves the house. We have parties for our son and holiday parties, and she won't come out of her room. She did once last summer at his big pool party because F would not bring her food. He told her she had to come outside and say hello and get her own food. Any chance she gets to say how she hates it here she does. As much as she hates me she is also very two faced and will complain about F and S to me if she catches me downstairs doing laundry when they aren't here. She's never going to leave.

Otherwise, he will still not make a move to let me sell my car (I need him to sign because I put it in his name when I bought it). I told him I'm gonna buy a cheaper car and at least a year of insurance and I will give him what's left over. But he continues to make excuses and stall. He's so broke because he won't work although he has a doctorate and could be making wonderful money. He has in the past. But he would rather keep me trapped here and be broke, than have me have something in my name he can't steal from me, and the ability to leave the house alone. Since Halloween I've left the house about two/three times a month. I get to use the excuse of grocery shopping once or twice because I have SNAP benefits and also buy my own and a lot of our son's food that I keep separately because their refrigerators are unusable and disgusting (I have a small dorm fridge for our stuff). I haven't been able to leave the house alone since last summer. Him or S have to take me everywhere I need to go.

I've been telling myself I have to focus more on what I can control, not the things that he controls about my life. I finished all my loans paperwork for school, and I was supposed to have enrollment pretty wrapped up on Friday. I had an admissions appt at 4pm and they never called! I was so mad. It takes me a while to prepare to talk on the phone because of anxiety. So I had to make another appt on Monday. They better show, lol. Classes begin April 4.

I've spent most of life being a victim. But I was so strong for so long and I didn't let anything, no matter how bad at the time, take me out. Only to end up here, almost frozen, on eggshells for years now. I'm really trying to take the steps I need to get control of my world back. Ik it probably doesn't look that way though. The few people that know at least some of what the past several years have been, probably see me as mentally ill, very depressed, weak, and afraid. And I am all those things, but the battle in my head that goes on 24/7 would show a different side. But I can't worry about how anyone is seeing me other than my kid.

[myheadabovewater]

Something major happened 2 days ago. Ive been avoiding writing about it because i just hate thinking about it.

Today is Feb 21st. Back on Jan 22-23 i got really sick from something i must have caught at Os play. I thought it was covid, but my test came back negative. But yeah, it was bad. I was sick in bed for like 6 days. Then as soon as i got better, i immediately caught a stomach bug from going downstairs to do laundry. That was just like 2 days.

But i havent felt good since. Ive had lots of nausea every day, what i call "the uncomfortables", which is like restless legs but all over. I havent been eating or sleeping. I could only sleep less than 30 mins at a time before id wake back up with uncomfortables. Its been awful. Ive felt horrible and sleep deprived and very depressed.

Well two nights ago i decided i was gonna try taking my tramadol at night to help me sleep since it really doesnt help with my pain during the day anymore (i have 2 spinal diseases that cause a lot of pain in my lower back and hips). I asked F to have O bring it up to me when he also brought me my blood pressure med. F keeps all of my medicines where i cant get them and i have to ask him every time its time to take them. Another way to control me.

So i get my tramadol, and instead of just taking it right away like always, i set it down to get a drink. I happened to look at them and saw they were not tramadol. I take 300mg. I used a med checker and saw they were allergy pills. Antihistamines. ONE tramadol, and the rest generic allergy pills. They look almost exactly the same. I sent O down and he came back up with F. F acted surprised and confused. I realized what was going on as soon as i saw how he reacted. He gave me the right pills and i said nothing about it. If he truly was not switching my medication on purpose, and took allergy pills out of a tramadol bottle, he would have lost his shit. The only possibility would be that I switched out my meds for almost identical ones behind his back.

It all made sense then. Idk how long he has been giving me the wrong meds but it explains why they havent been giving me any pain relief anymore. How sick ive been, i have been panicking that something might be really wrong with me. But it was that hes been giving me wrong meds and ive been going through withdrawl. The symptoms are exactly the same, and guess what? When i caught it and got my right meds, suddenly i was all better. No uncomfortables, slept much better.

This is why im very afraid at this point. He used to be on the rescue squad for 20yrs. He knows about medications. I have insanely bad hypertension. My meds i take for it dont work well and ive tried everything. But its regularly in the high 190s-200s over around 70-80. I had a heart attack 2 years ago this month.

Antihistamines are stimulants. They Raise your bp. He knows that. Ive taken them 2 times in years when i was desperate because i had hives, and the other time my eyes had been itching so bad id rubbed them raw. And i took ONE pill. He gave me FIVE at once for god knows how long now.

He does hoard medications and takes tramadol too, so he may have just been keeping my meds for himself, but i cant really believe that. The danger of me having another heart attack or a stroke after taking five allergy pills is huge and very likely. Do i think he was trying to kill me? Maybe. I believe he is capable of it. He knew what the med would do to me. And it would just look like i had another heart attack or stroked out. I dont know how to handle it. I have no proof and this probably sounds crazy. I feel like all i can do is check all meds before i take anything, and not take any food or drinks from him if he suddenly makes me something.

Ive always suspected he might have done this one other time, years ago. But i dont wanna talk about that right now.

How calculated and evil is he? This time ive been sick too, hes asked me what med he can get me for my stomach, had S go get me gingerale and nausea meds. One time he was in here and i said i couldnt eat because of the nausea, and he goes, "you know that could be a sign of a heart attack", and then took my pulse!

And the whole time he is the one whos been making me sick. Im actually considering writing a letter to my dad and sisters about it all and giving it to my sons friends mom, and tell her if anything happens to me that looks natural or like an accident, to mail it.

[myheadabovewater]

December 9, 2018. I was not even living in his house when i took these. I was living at the condo in OC, and i guess i came over for something and had to use the bathroom and took these.

[myheadabovewater]

Dec 3, 2019. Back when we could use the living and dining rooms. Before junk and trash started being piled up in these rooms. The majority of which S is respondsible for. I was showing him the tree O helped decorate, so he could put the angel on. NO ONE helped clean this part of the house ever either. Back then i still asked for help all the time and we constantly fought because of it. She never helped and he never made her.

[myheadabovewater]

September 19, 2020. Just a random shot showing the condition of the house when i still lived down there.

[myheadabovewater]

May 17, 2021. It got too hot to keep living upstairs. I had to come down, and i knew it was gonna be bad. I immediately started cleaning. I think it took me 3 days to do the whole room. Ofc i did it all alone.

[myheadabovewater]

Random den (his room) photos from May 22, 2021

[myheadabovewater]

Random photos August 30, 2021. Her bedroom. You can see why she doesnt sleep or hang out in there. Why she has taken over my family room instead now. His room (den), and laundry room.

[myheadabovewater]

Random example September 16, 2021 from when i still spent time in the family room downstairs, so i kept it as clean as i could.

[myheadabovewater]

Random October 17, 2021 example of how they always live like this. He had borrowed what he thought was my sweatshirt from the dryer, but it was actually a dress.

[myheadabovewater]

I wish i had a better way to deal with the way i react to being treated badly. I wish i could just say, "fuck it, fuck them, idc", but it all gets to me. Like today, i wake up, i text him to bring up my meds (ive explained before that he hides my meds so he has to get them for me. So i have to ASK for my medications), he never answers, and i kind of fall back asleep on and off for an hour and a half. I text him again. Hes finally up i guess and answers he will be there soon. Half hour later i text again, and he brings it to me.

On friday our kid got 100 on his math test. We have been promising him a tv for his room, and he decided that would be his reward. I had been asking him for help with putting the plastic mattress protector on because it slips right off every night. Hes put me off about a week. So yesterday he says they will both help me clean Os room today (its a big mess cause ive been sick a couple weeks and ofc they dont clean it), so ok, when he gives me my meds i ask did him or her get anything fone in Os room yet. He ofc says no, hthey have been waiting for me. That makes no sense. Why? Its not a big room. 3 people arent gonna fit cleaning. They could have stripped the bed, or gathered laundry, or picked up trash, or even cleaned off and dusted the dresser the tv is going on.

I mean i knew they werent going to help at all. So after my monster, i went and started cleaning. I guess he heard me and came up. He put a shopping bag in the hallway, looked behind the dresser, i guess at the outlet, and left. I asked him to take some laundry with him. I already had it all in 2 baskets in the hallway. He did not. She didnt come up until he brought the tv up. They were messing around with the remote and tv so i left, and made myself some rice to eat, and asked them to take the laundry down when they were done. They went down right after. They actually took the laundry, but they still had not helped clean at all. So i went back in and kept straightening up. Then he goes out to get O from the bus so she comes up to record him coming in the room and seeing the tv. She literally sits on the bed on her phone as i clean around her, struggling to pick things up from the floor. Does not help clean up or even offer.

So he gets home, comes in, and is thrilled. So thats awesome. But im still pissed how the day went. I knew they were never gonna actually help so why am i even stressed?

On another note, ive got an ashwaganda supplement that also has zinc and D which is cool cause i have a D deficiency coming on Thursday, and i am hoping this will help with a few issues.

[myheadabovewater]

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[myheadabovewater]

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[myheadabovewater]

People are gonna wonder why i stay here. For many years it was bad on and off. Ive moved out 3 times. Once to a DV shelter. I was always manipulated to come back here. He uses our child to control me. He has custody because of a very underhanded thing he did when our kid was an infant. To punish me in case i left, to retain control. See, ive been all alone since my grandmothers dimentia got really bad. Right after i moved here. We lost her soon after.

Im very introverted. MDD, a couple types of anxiety disorders that just get lumped together, and PTSD from childhood and previous DV abuse, and a traumatic event. Im the type of girl he goes for. Always.

Ive had no one to help me. No support.

But things have changed recently. My birth father and sisters and this whole big family i never knew i had found me a few months ago. But they are several states away. Dad has made it clear that all i have to do is say the word and he will be here in a day to get me and my stuff and bring me to where they all are.

But theres my child. He will call the police if i try to take my child and i wont be allowed to. I would have to leave him here. Here. Without me.

I dont have the money for a lawyer for custody.

But im making a change.

Ive lost a lot of media ive taken to show what he is really like. Hes gotten into my email, taken my phone, the stupid voice recordings are always too large to send anywhere. So when he takes my phone he can just delete everything.

I had the idea to start putting everything into a blog here. Ive taken what precautions i can to make sure he cant ever get in if he happens to find it.

But ive applied for school loans. Ive gotten my federal, just waiting on state, then i can show the schools im considering (for a remote education), and pick the best one. Next semester starts in April for all so i have some time but thats ok.

Im just trying to be smart about everything and do my best. Im a mother and i have not been able to protect him from all the bs i should have so far. And i definately take my share of the blame. But im doing this now. Things will get better. Its just a slow and steady road right now.

[myheadabovewater]

These are from a few days ago. I was so sick for a week before, so i hadnt seen it in 6 or 7 days. Turns out it wasnt covid, so idk. It was already bad before this. I was fighting with the fact that i bought all the furniture and the huge tv, and i should be able to hang out in my own family room anyway. But she has taken it over as her bedroom because her room is 3-4ft high piled with trash and junk. So i was still cleaning the worst stuff like old food and plates and when the dogs peed or pooped i would mop really well. Well i got sick from being down there the other day when i took this. Two days of a stomach virus. I just went down now to get my meds because He keeps all my meds where i cant get them and hands them out to me when i need them most of the time. I usually ask him to bring them up. But i immediately had to cover my nose when i hit the bottom steps. The smell of dog pee from them never mopping it up and i guess that moldy food on the bar has become overwhelming. But if i say anything, he will freak out on me. So what can i do? Im resigned to me and Owen having to live up here in our rooms. But idk what i can do when summer comes. He has no a.c., and it becomes an oven up here. He COULD get the system fixed but he cant have workmen in this nasty house so it probably will not be fixed.

[myheadabovewater]

Omg I really have covid. My test is tomorrow morning, but im sick asf suddenly. So im pretty sure.

Keeping O away from me. But we were all in close contact all weekend. Even today he was in here before i stated feeling worse and worse. The symptoms came on fast. Tomorrow (well yoday its 12:02am), hes sending him to school. I dont think he should go. I think we all need to be tested and he needs to stay home whatever the proper period of time in. Crank told me not to tell anyone i caught it. The fuck? ALL of us were together at the performances all weekend. So surprising he doesnt want to do what we are supposed to.

Im really mad and this is where we are right now...

[myheadabovewater]

Its hilariously hypocritical for him to have acted so angry and like he was worried about my physical and mental health last night towards everyone. Like, dude, you've done so much worse to me. Maybe care then.

1-23-2002