#i havent done my research into them so dont take that as fact

[britneyshakespeare]

I feel bad for Margaret of York that this portrait is always used to represent her

fuck ass proportions!!!

[astralaerial]

i know i know! its been a hot minute since i posted, but i SWEAR ive been drawing. in fact, i can post 4 DRAWINGS TODAY! i was inspired by fortnite of all things to make OCs loosely based off of ancient greek gods. feel free to not read the rest of the yappity text unless you care about my thought process, you can just look at the spilly pictures

|hermetikles(he/they)|

this was my first one and it was based loosely around hermes. at this point i havent really figured out what i wanted to do so i kinda just made a design i thought looked neat and drew it. i did intentionally give him an extra pair of small wings on his legs for extra speed. also they have a sentient bag, i thought that would be fun and also messenger)

|aeyron(he/him)|

so this one is based off of eros. you might be able to tell by now a pattern of me kinda wanting to make a more 'modern' clothing style for the OCs, and yes thats kind of intentional. i later on decided i wanted to have a mix of what could be considered more stereotypically ancient greek styles(like that golden shoulder pad thing and the white robe/cape) but also other clothing styles i felt fit and that i liked. i felt the red hair fit because that kind of dark red evokes feelings of romance to me, and the tied up hair kinda looks like love hearts if you squint hard enough.

|nethaea(she/her)|

this one is based off of athena and probably the design i put the most thought into. first of all, owl mask and theming on the helmet: apparently according to my 5 minutes of wikipedia research that is a common athena symbol, so i added those here. the purple kind of sash thing and the blue scarf/tie thing around her neck is based around what judges wear. so athena from what i know is described as someone able to make logical decisions and someone knowledgeable, so i thought making her a judge kind of character makes sense. that said, the helmet and armour still nods to her being a badass godess of war, but in my imagination she would be more of a war strategist/planner now instead of being on the front lines. you might notice by her appearance that she takes a lot of similarities from a hazbin hotel character: yes, this is intentional. sera was a big inspiration for this design.

|apheno(they/them)|

apheno is based off of apollo. i made this one just today but im not so sure about it so idk i might update it. first of all, the blue hair and fur on the shoes/coat: because apollo is associated with and god of the sun, i thought giving him a kind of sky theme by making the fur and hair look like clouds would fit. this sun ordeal also inspires the orangeness of the coat and that spiky yellow design on it, which is supposed to be like a rising sun. there is also the bow which isnt too special but an inclusion i thought neccesary since apollo is also known as the god of archery.

-------------------------------------------------------

okay im done! i might make more of these, but for now these are the four i have made. ive also been designing lore and stuff for these but its far from being anything solid so no sharing for now! this is my first big post like this so i dont know how to sign these off, uhhhh lmao!

[cat-26]

grad school anon here: Thank you so much for the detailed response!! I seriously appreciate it :) It is super helpful to see your journey with determining your grad school laid out.

Like, I've never really thought about big/small lab stuff before. My school is pretty small, and the only research I've been involved in has been on teams of 2-4 students w/ the professor, and I never thought about how the dynamic might change if there were more people. Also, it is super helpful to hear an engineering perspective (as an engineer myself!).

My uni is a primary undergraduate institution, so we dont have any grad students (at least not in engineering). The nice thing is that I was able to get involved in research last semester, but my options were pretty limited to begin with (only 3 research opportunities for my major). The research I'm doing is pretty computational, and while I think it is a valuable experience, I now know that computational is not for me.

Funnily enough, going into college I thought that I'd want to major in aerospace engineering (or at least go on to do it in grad school), however I ended up choosing mechanical engineering because not many schools have aerospace engineering as an undergraduate major.

Right now, I'm applying for REUs (research experiences for undergraduates sponsored by the natioanal science foundation in the us). Ive recently become interested in bioengineering, so now I'm applying to opportunities that seem interesting in bioengineering, but I havent taken a single biology course in college (lol). There's some big boi universities that I'm eyeing up for their research but idk if I'll get in because I've only really taken mechanical engineering courses

Anyways, thanks again for the response! I really appreciate it, and I thought I'd give you sort of my side of things too (might be interesting, might not). Also, I might message you some questions if I have more and feel up to it :)

--------------

Kind of funny side note: The spouse of the prof I am currently doing research with is planning some research that seems more my style, but I feel that it would be super awkward to be like "I'm ditching you to do more interesting research with your spouse - see ya!"

I'm glad my long answer was helpful!! And yes, don' t hesitate to message me with any other questions, I'll be happy to answer (or try to!)

And yes, your side is also interesting! I've heard a lot about REUs, I hope you get that!!! Bioengineering sounds so cool (it scares me, bioengineers are too powerful. You can go say hello to @\beacon-lamp, she's a biomedical engineer!) Fun fact about me: I wanted to be a vet so I started as a biology major, and switched to engineering when I realized I hadn't taken any bio classes and didn't need any more than calc II or physics I (and I really wanted to take more of those. Great decision on my part).

You can email professors from grad schools once you're a bit close to graduation to start asking about their labs, I doubt not having done research in specific fields doesn't hurt. (You can even ask what would make them more likely to hire you! Like, my prof tells prospective students to take CS classes since we do a lot of that)

Also, asking your prof to move to their spouse's lab would be so funny hahaha (now, will the prof be like "my spouse is awesome, go and be happy" or will they be like "hmm maybe stay in my lab.."?) But more seriously, I don't think any professor would be offended if you want to get experience on another kind of research

[theunconcernedembalmer]

Toko! I was thinking of creating an ask the character blog for IDV or Genshin Impact and wanted a few tips on how to start off. Anything you can share?

ey yo my dude!! thank you so much for this question, now im lowkey tempted (again) to make a genshin ask blog sjadhlkshgkahshglsaj anyway my 1.5 cents is under the cut, yall know how much i talk here HAHAHAHAH

uhhhhhh so i guess we start with picking a character u really Vibe with tm? I KNOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE COMMON SENSE BUT LIKE ive been considering making a genshin ask blog for a while now but i never really got to it cos i couldnt really decide on a character (plus the fact that their outfits are. so intricate. is also a hmm since i try to follow details to a t) (at first i wanted to do zhongli, but i feel like to be able to muse him well u need to know the lore super super well, which i dont n im too lazy to research on that aha. n u know how much i respect characterizations, especially for such a complex character like him. i also considered xiangling for a period of time mostly for guoba but also like i have 2+1 blogs here n having one more might not be a very good idea aha) (as for aesop he was my Hyperfixation Character tm also cos i looked at his kit n went Yep i could work with this. probably)

so assuming ur not a dumbass like me n u kinda know who u wanna pick, id actually say to snoop around here for other ask blogs n kinda get a feel of the... scene? is that the word? or like u know, other blogs that u can potentially vibe with. ive run a couple of ask blogs before this current one (both that have died for different reasons) n from my experience interacting with other blogs (if theyre okay with it, i think most should be) is pretty fun. it also kinda helps get ur blog around to other ppl on other blogs so they can go Oh whats this cool shit n check u out, n its also a reason why we kinda reblog promo posts for other blogs (also cos we’re always excited when someone new comes on, its really the more the merrier. we see all :eyes:). interacting with other blogs is also an option when ur inbox is looking real roomy too

another reason why i havent exactly done a genshin blog is that idk i cant actually seem to find genshin ask blogs around (i have seen rp blogs, or those that answer asks with mostly text instead of art, but thats. not my thing since i hate my own writing aha) (i did find one aether blog some time ago, but for some reason i hardly see them around anymore??? idk man i might be wrong). its not like im trying super hard to find them ask blogs, so im sure they exist out there (hopefully?? im not sure but im being optimistic). i mean theres nothing wrong with just starting an ask blog without others around, but for me i do find a difference when i interact with other ask blogs n when i dont, n i prefer when theres others to have fun with (unfortunately i couldnt find any ask blogs to interact with in my previous fandom. i tried, but the blogs i approached seemed to go inactive shortly afterwards...) plus u get to meet friends that way too :D (i made a lot of friends via idv askblogs n its really been a joy vibing with others)

as for the idv scene. gestures around me. unfortunately there are a lot of ask blogs that arent that active anymore, but theres still some of us who are alive n kicking empty inboxes, n im sure everyone would love to see a new face around. winks at u. also there seems to be a lot more blogs popping up lately, which is really heartening to see.

then u kinda just. make ur blog? n a starting introduction post so ppl can reblog it n spread the word XD n yay u have a blog i guess??? XD

i gotta say tho. dont expect ur blog to take off immediately (especially for smaller fandoms like idv, tvbh i didnt think my blog would even get half this far when i started cos of how non existent idv tumblr seemed to be) n ur inbox will probably be looking pretty empty a lot of the time (or at least filled with some that u havent quite thought of how to reply to yet aha) (but also like empty inboxes happen pretty often, im sure most of us here have experienced this problem)

in the case of the first ask blog i ever started, it never really took off at all. ngl it was kind of demoralizing n depressing but to be fair i had picked one of the more obscure characters in the series, so obscure that many ppl in the fandom would have never heard of this character before. if u wanted to know, i took a character that only appeared in the 2nd musical of the series, who also made a very brief cameo in the manga to acknowledge his existence within that universe. thats how obscure my character was, but i went with him purely because he was my favourite character. i will say though i did enjoy it while it lasted n i learnt a lot from the experience, n i think thats whats important really.

i guess this kinda leads on (not really but let me digress) to the whole uhhhh thing where if u choose a more popular character, u get more attention. which is fine i guess? if u really vibe with the character, i mean theyre popular for a reason. n choosing a more popular fandom (like genshin) would objectively also get u more viewers n numbers. but like honestly i believe that ask blogs are meant for u to have fun with, n like trying to get popular gets tiring pretty fast (this shouldnt be like a main goal, but u know sometimes u subconsciously also want that gucci follower count n bomb ass notes or something. i used to be guilty of this until i realized it isnt worth it) especially if ur not enjoying yourself in the process. (case in point: my previous fandom was considerably larger n my blog got about 700 followers within a year or so, but it got very tiring n stressful to maintain after my interest in it died, n no one was really interacting with the blog even though i tried which kinda made it even more depressing despite the so called success n popularity of the blog)

anyway on a less serious note, theres a lot of fun stuff u can do with the ask blog, like some ask blogs have really fancy tags that i really like n try to do but also like not really HAHAHAHA. i kinda just channel what i want to see in an ask blog into my own ask blogs (good art is one, i try very hard for it to be good :,DD another is characterization, n others is just extra miscellaneous arts n stuffs like au ideas or memes. these are also somethings u could work on during ask box downtimes perhaps)

uhhh another side thing is like a posting schedule i guess? like ppl would be more likely to interact (i think) if ur blog is relatively active, n this is usually determined by the last post u made (i think XD). but like generally for blog maintenence id say try to kinda find a frequency that ur comfortable with?? cos i know my once a day posting is kinda insane if i wasnt so hyperfixated on all of this n fight the urge to dump all ur replies when u finish them XD (though ive seen some blogs do that n they do it pretty frequently so its pretty nice to know once u see their post u can spend some time going through the latest batch of posts XD) the queue function is pretty useful here even though i truthfully have never really used it, i kinda just post from my drafts really but it also helps to space out ur content to seem somewhat active especially when u dont have the time to be working on replies sometimes. i hope u know what im trying to say here aha

ANYWAY that was like my 1.5 cents cos i dont even think its worth 2 cents HAHAHAHAH these are just my thoughts from running all my blogs up till now, some that are still running n the others that have just died a natural death. i wouldnt actually delete them (theyre still around actually XD) cos theyre kinda like archives n i can look back at what i did last time. cos ngl i made some high quality stuff back then, n i dont even know how i managed to do that aldhflhdsgk. also ppl do look at archive blogs every now n then for the content thats there yknow

BUT YES anyway if u do decide to join the idv ask blogs hmu, ill be sure to give u a lil shoutout here. winks

[thegreatimpersonator]

i really dont feel like wonders a good book to read, idk its not really my place to talk about it that much but the author was 100% using people with facial deformities for "inspiration porn" (a term commonly used in regards to able bodied people using disabled people and stories about them being successful purely for their own inspiration while not actually caring about them as people and perpetuating the idea that disable people have to be successful in order to have worth, obviously it doesnt fit this idea fully but its the most accurate term i could think of as it is a story written by someone without any facial/physical deformities or who even knows anyone with any (she says in the end notes of the book that her inspiration was that she saw a young girl with a facial deformity on the street in passing and it doesnt seem like she ever consulted the people whos experiences she was writing about and profiting from, thought i may be wrong as i havent looked into it that much) purely to write an inspirational narrative that imo rigs very hollows since shes just co-opting something that should be told by people whove actually lived that experience) on top of that (and this is something i do feel like a can somewhat talk about as an autistic person who has extra education needs because of it) the book tends to be very weird about education/developmental disabilities imo, like theres an entire subplot about a mother at the school he goes to inditing he doesnt belong there because the school isnt one that includes special needs students and its 100% treated more as that he doesnt have special needs and is just as capable at learning at other students and not that what that lady is saying is very abelist which just leave a really uncomfortable feeling imo (there are other examples too, like in one scene the r slur is used by the protagonist saying he isnt that, which doesnt sit right with me when it comes to a book that does seem to take the stance that there is something wrong with the disabled people that slur is aimed at) also totally a smaller note but as someone who did read it when i was younger for school and later tried rereading it it 100% feels more like a book that feels kinda inspirational when youre younger (and dont really know better in regards to the really messed up aspects) but isnt really as good when you get older but thats just my opinion on it, obvs nothing ive said can stop you from reading the book but i hope you at least consider it because the book does just feel very gross to me for these reasons (and ofc if you want to look further into this i recommend listening to people with facial deformities and what they have to say in this book since they are the ones this story is about and who are the ultimate authority on narratives about them admittedly i havent looked into this as much as i feel i should but most of what i have seen is them making the same points i did here)

I am very familiar with this concept and I just watched the trailer for the 2017 movie and it is coming off like so so yes thank you for sending this in because it's much more well put than I could have, and if I do read this book I will be mindful of the fact that the author may not have done as much as research as they should have and that the depictions might not be accurate always

[katherinewilliams221b]

For A Greater Good Fun Facts and Self Assesment (spoilers)

Long Post

What worked and what didn’t:

I think the overall structure worked pretty well. The most difficult part was, with the plot and subplot already created, scattering all those ideas throughout the text in such a way that at least made some sense. I regret not writing more about Mer Yankelevich, I feel like the crumbs I left on the way were not enough; in my attempt to make it subtle it lacked information about her. The key piece was of course her sister, and I should have introduced her sooner.

MC’s evolution. I feel like Kate’s learnt a lot with this experience (I’m not only referring to the Deathly Hallows or Grindelwald) When it started, she was very discreet and kept a low profile, not knowing what to do really, not taking more risks than necessary. And then she ended poisoned and splinching just to protect a document she thought was important. I hope her evolution is noticeable for the reader.

Worldbuilding. Grabbing HP concepts that were forgotten and full of potential, plus a dash of original ideas from me and blending them with muggle features was my absolute favourite part of the process.

On that note, I dont own these concepts: Durmstrang, Igor Karkarov, Nerida Vulchanova, umbrella flowers, fanged geraniums, billywigs, Appare Vestigium, glow-worms, trick wand, chamaleon ghouls, 

If you’ve read the fic and thought: “everything happened so fast” or got a general odd feeling about the timeline it's because I made a series of  monumental mistakes: setting a chapter limit, telling you about it and then tried to stick to it.  At first the idea sounded nice: this is my first “big” story  with complicated components. I should (and I did) do an outline of what I want to happen in each chapter and stick to it methodically so I don't forget what's happening or lose track of the plot. Well...it kind of backfired. So I wrote the first 3 chapters and at that point I thought “okay everything is going as planned, I’m going to put it out there”, bam, instantly cursed. After that it got ridiculously difficult to make the story that I wanted. Why? I needed chapter space that I convinced myself I couldn’t add. Dumb.

The major consequence of this was the lack of character backgrounds. It started out good, but as I kept writing and publishing I realised that I missed some great opportunities to make amazing ocs. That’s Corentin’s fault in a way: he wasn't going to be a major character, really, just a piece to help Kate a bit. But we all fell in love with him so what was I supposed to do? Also, Sheyi Mawut owns my heart and he got just a bit of spotlight. A shame.

I wish I had written more about them, but I think I wasn’t ready just yet to make it even more complicated.I just wanted to prove I could concoct a mystery plot and now that I know I can manage a fair amount of information I think I can take it a step further and deepen new ocs a little bit more.

I’m thinking about the datura series and I know why I got blocked and tired of writing it; it wasnt going anywhere because I wasnt prepared, and I didn’t do the months of outlines and planning that I did with this one. I’ll come back to the datura story one day, subjecting it to a sever rewrite. The ideas are there, I just need to be organised.

Although the chapter limit was problematic it was also a good exercise of managing space and deciding which things were unnecessary for the story. I dont think there’s any filler chapters, perhaps the last ones, but there is important information there too so... However this sentence  from the blog  wordsandstuff reassured me (and I think I did a good job at that?)

If you set out to write 10 parts and you write a fantastic story in 8, you haven’t failed and it’s not too rushed. Concise writing is an underrated talent. Focus on how effectively you engage the reader, not for how long.

I spent more than year writing this! When I started, I had a lot of ideas, I wrote the last two chapters then the first 3 and I really thought it was going to be that way with the rest of the story... okay... lesson learnt. #humbled

Other thoughts:

I received a couple of comments on ao3 that said that they were pleasantly surprised. Maybe I should change the tags because they are misleading? Clearly this wasnt what people were looking for lol.

One particular comment stood out to me and quoting it said:  “You did not choose the easy way with a fiction with so few characters from the fandom.”  And I’ve been thinking about this since I read it. It didn’t occur to me that there were few mystery fics (maybe I should write more things like that? Maybe throwing some power couple detective work 👀 ) In any case, I’m glad  I contributed with something different to the fandom, and the fact that the Charlie bits are very scarce but people who read it still liked it is really flattering.

I wanted to make sure that all the characters had strengths and flaws, I didnt want to severus-snape them so maybe I overdid it with that bit of introspection kate does at the end...

Also, I did the kiss and fade thing twice to mention sex. I know some people dont like that but since it wasnt the point of the story and I havent done research on how to write sex scenes I didnt include them. I have that on my “to learn” list.

Conclusions:

Writing the whole thing was incredible. It's my first ‘big’ project and its not a great work (there are some things I wish I did better, thats what you get when you are an agatha christie wannabe) and not writing more character backgrounds will haunt me to this day,  but I think it's at least good for a first series and I’m proud of it. I loved spending hours doing research and trying to piece together this puzzle. And of course I’m not an expert and I dont want to sound pretentious (like this is my first story) but if you are planning to write this type of genre I can be another source of tips and tricks for you.

If I read the story after a while and I dont cringe, I would call that a success.

FUN? FACTS!

Bakunawa really belongs to Filippines mythology

Snapdragons have different meanings, one of them being: “grace under pressure or inner strength in trying circumstances”

The entrance to Grindelwald’s room was going to be in the duelling classroom, strangely shaped as a triangle. I had this system where one of the round candle lamps descended and lined up with a line on the floor (serving as separation for duels) it created the Deathly Hallows symbol. I couldn’t make that work because it wouldn't make any sense for Nerida Vulchanova to shape a room like that.  Here are some sketches:

Lucius Malfoy was going to appear as the Ministry employee that goes to Durmstrang, but after revising the events of the OoP I realised it was impossible.

Kent Jorgensen was going to be around Kate’s age and the charms teacher and he would have a small crush on her. After seeing some pics of Pen Medina, I rewrote the character completely.

The series was going to be 6 chapters long (I’m glad I decided not to) one for each month. The chapter names were ridiculous: January of Beginnings, February of reputation, March of Students, April of Discoveries, May I? and June of Endings. #tragic

The Dolohov family was going to be a part of the plot but I had to erase that part because it was unlocking another layer of complexity that I just couldnt handle.

I dont remember exactly the chapter but I got really confused with the names Rhode and Hodges and there’s one chapter where I accidentally mixed them (I corrected it I think), but for a while I could stop calling Rhode, Hodges, and vice versa lmao

Here are some sketches that helped me describe and imagine things

Thank you for accompany me in this journey, especially if you endured the process with me lmao. You’ve been here for over A YEAR! <3 Mindblowing

Also I’d love to know your opinions about the way you read the story, I mean, I know some people read it as I published, and some other readers found the story already finished, what are the differences? Should I stop the updating system and drop a story all at once? I know it is difficult to keep up with a complex story if there’s a lot of weekly or monthly gaps between the chapters, so I wanted to know.

Sending you a virtual hug 💜💜

[og-danny-dorito]

Abe and a fem s/o getting frisky for the first time would be epic 👀

GOD hey sorry this took so long and okay YES because I'm nasty, but also because pure fish boy is my life =w=

. In repayment for being patient for so long i put some extra effort into this one. I hope u like em ;3

Abe And Fem!S/o’s First Time :


- SO i love my fish boy and hold him dearly to my heart with all of my being, but when i say this it’s the truth and i can’t do anything about it: he has literally no expirence. Like, at all

- now this is for a number of reasons, mainly being that he doesnt get out of the base often and not everyone there is a part of the Monsterfucker ClubTM, but do i really need to list off why he doesnt have any expieince??? He’s probably demisexual already, but he doesnt even leave the library often, so why would he have any sexual expirnece or real exposure (hes pure, dont @ me)

- so this evidently means that when you bring it up to him while the two of you are alone, he’s going to mentally loose his shit. Outwardly he might just falter a little bit and say “Pardon?” but internally he’s not only screeching but panicking because Jesus Christ ive never dONE THIS BEFORE

- seriously, you havent even done anything and he’s panicking already. At first he might be kinda evasive about it because truth be told, he’s not even sure how that would work. I have my own theories about abe’s uhhhh,,,, reproductive anatomy, but generally speaking none of them entail human assets in any way shape or form. At least, not mostly.

- now we already know my mans is self conscious about his body with a human s/o already, and so this amps up his anxiety. What if you dont like the way he looks? What if you don’t find him attractive anymore?? What if-

- abe is terrified, and i’ts obvious in the way he evades you after asking. Reassuring him that it’s okay if he doesn’t want to makes him even MORE embarassed, but he guesses that it would've been brought up at some point, right??? It takes some discussion and some very quiet and vague questions from abe, but after like an hour of discussion he finally agrees that it’s a good idea and confirms that he wants to

- it cant be that bad, right? He might not be completely clueless the whole time, right??? Well, his reassurances turn against him as soon as youre behind closed doors. He’s more nervous than hes every been ever and he’s bouncing his legs while he waits at the edge of the bed with his eyes GLUED to the floor

- ‘is it rude to look? Wait, no, we’re havng sex, why would Y/n not want me to look- but maybe they’re self conscious- OH TAKING OFF THE SHIRT U H H H ALRIGHT JUST,,, ACT NATURAL.’ And then he just doesn't look you in the eye the whole time cause he doesnt want to seem like he’s doing something wrong - -;

- regardless though, this whole point I'm trying to get at is pretty obvious. Abe doesnt know what he’s doing and if YOU know what you’re doing, you’re going to have to guide him through it. Abe is a quick learner and so maybe on the third or fourth time he’ll finally get a grip on what he’s doing, or at least start trying more adamatley to get a grip on what he’s doing

- now, it’s very likely that my mans is submissive in the beginning and as time goes on proceeds to be the bottom he is, mainly due to the fact that he's extremely sensitive in areas you wouldnt flinch at if you were touched there. For comparison i prepared one of my diagrams to help you with visualizing. This is going to ave an actual picture of abe since there aren't very many outlines of fish men for purposes such as these very scientific ones

- as you can see his gills are extremely snsitive, as well as his back, thighs, neck, pecs, and ribs. If you touch where his happy trail WOULD be if he like, had hair, theres an instant boner and it will appear with or without his permission, no questions asked. When he gets aroused he tends to be very avoidant of himself because he doesnt think it’s proper for him to get so riled up over such simple things, but he does and he hides it terribly. This is where kinks come in (one of his being teasing even though he begs for you to stop every time you do it to him, thus revealing begging), but that’s not our main focus

- his touch is essentially hesitant and needy all at the same time, and so your first time he might actually shake a little with nervousness and need. I say he lasts five minutes tops if you’re just going to dish out whats going on, but ten minutes if you're going to add some foreplay into it and maybe get a little bit of devotional reassurance afterwards

- if it’s BOTH your first time he’ll suggest research but try to avoid porn because he’s embarrassed to even process the concept of watching it and also pornography caters to monster fuckers but doesnt give anatomy-accurate diagrams on what to do with his dick so you’re gonna have to mostly wing it

- overall boyfriend rating is 10/10; inexpirenced, but still eager and willing to follow orders correctly. Best bottom, v sweet boy. Needs emotional support afterwards.

Thanks For Asking! :)

[emakenz]

was talking abt symptoms of autism to my parents and my dad put his head in his hands saying he wish the internet didnt exist and that i should go to a library. bitch. you stupid slut. i am expressing my emotions and thoughts just like you have encouraged me to do then you fucking insult me? right to jail. go to big meanie jail. i am sending you to prison.

i was saying how i present a lot of the symptoms (such as social impairment, lack of understanding in social cues, RSD, not understanding social standards and therefore not abiding by what i "ought to do" //like shaving my legs bc im a girl. hell no. hate the feeling, and im not cis, and im not your fucking doll on display//, sensory issues, difficulty processing shit, hyperfixations, etc etc) and he goes and fucking. pretty much SHAMES me for it. not outright saying it, but definitely implying that im just trying to get attention or be special or that im a hypochondriac. im sorry, but last i checked, IM the one whos taken CLASSES. AT SCHOOL. about similar shit. and you have the nerve to blame THE INTERNET for me spitting straight fire. burn in my wrath you dumb whore. im SORRY for EXPRESSING MYSELF and RAMBLING ABOUT THINGS IM INTERESTED IN. god forbid i fucking talk about anything that goes against YOUR VIEWS. you always say that you "dont push your beliefs on others" and that others "shouldnt push their beliefs on you" but yet you stand there and belittle MY BELIEFS when im the one that actually RESEARCHED what IM TALKING ABOUT. what do you know. you only have "experience" (living in a small town full of closed minded hillbillies that strut their problematic asses through life. THATS NOT EXPERIENCE. YOUVE ONLY LIVED IN ONE FUCKING CITY YOUR WHOLE LIFE. YOU DONT LEAVE, YOURE ALWAYS AT HOME OR AT WORK. YOU DONT INTERACT WITH PEOPLE DIFFERENT THAN YOU. YOU DONT KNOW JACK SHIT ABOUT EXPERIENCE AS YOU HAVENT FUCKING LIVED OR LEARNED.). you always compare yourself to others, saying how youre laid back and lenient and the most easy going dad in town, yet when i compare literally anything saying that something is better than this (like i can say i believe that so and so is better than whatstheirface) and if it goes against your opinion, you fucking go on and on about how youre right and im wrong because im just a kid that hasnt lived. bitch you havent lived and youre 45. get over yourself you white cishet privileged motherfucker. your only "discrimination" is being poor, but that comes with living as a LOW LIFE THAT DOESNT TRY TO BETTER THEIRSELF OR TAKE AN OPPORTUNITY WHEN YOU SEE ONE. ive lived in the same broken down trailer since before i was born, ive only went to one school up until high school, (one school for elementary and middle school then the high school, thats it), i havent had a job or done anything with any impact to society so therefore im worthless in your eyes? you provided this for my life. im not going to be your doll, your pet, your servant or what have you. im a fucking person, an individual with my OWN "experience" and views and beliefs. im not following your rules, the rules that have no reason to exist other than it displeases you if i dont follow them. i try to educate myself, i research, i interact with different kinds of people, and while i may not have firsthand "experience" with much, at least i fucking try to not be ignorant. youre so willingly ignorant, you dont care about the facts, you dont trust anything or anyone. youre so skeptical of every little thing. but somehow your beliefs are the definite reality? that you hold the truth? youre so skeptical you dont even trust your own views, you claim to be open minded, then turn around and claim to be closed minded and that your views cant be changed unless proven otherwise, yet even when your view is proven against being true, you still dont believe it. you dont have the confidence in yourself to hold yourself accountable by your own words. youre an ignorant, close minded, hypocritical asshole. i love you, but DAMN you make me mad. everyone has flaws but.. damn. problematic king behavior over here, get him the crown of dumbassery. goddamn.

hes apologized and explained that he tries to be mindful and how much he has to hold his tongue and that hes being polite to me compared to others and how he wont change etc etc. thats not an apology thats a half hearted explanation of why you act that way and that you dont really feel the need to actually try. you say its hard for you to talk to me bc im so "political" and take things literally and personally (the last two are true, but if im to be officially diagnosed with autism, im throwing that in his face. ill give HIM and explanation of why I dont fit his eyes.), im not even political im just honest. if i notice you saying or doing something thats genuinely Wrong, im going to say something, i dont want to be the judgemental "millenial" (im gen z, not that it matters really) but i also dont want to just stand by without saying something. you say im so "politically correct" and it hurts me that you feel so passionate about your fragile mindset that you feel the need to call me out on my "argumentative attitude". im just trying to spread awareness, go ahead, call the pharmacist a slur, say it to their face, you coward. you wont. because you know that its wrong. if you have the balls to say it, i hope someone actually tells you off and gives you the same treatment. you couldnt handle it. being "discriminated" against, while in reality, you were the discriminater. dont fucking dish it out if you cant handle it. be mindful, respectful, and educate yourself. check yourself before you wreck yourself. or someone will come to wreck you themself to teach you a lesson.

very big vent here im tired. ignore this lmfao. everythings fine im just a petty bitch.

[sarah-writes-marvel]

Imposter (2/2): Avengers x gn!Reader

S.S: sorry about the wait on this second part, havent had a lot of motivation to do much for a while. Im not sure how much I like this ending but I hope yall like it!

p.s::: Also, I write these as my own character first so if there are mentions of an OC let me know so I can fix it so everyone can enjoy!

Warnings: Angst, language, nothing else I dont think...

Word count: 1449

MASTERLIST  Pt1

=================================================

My door slammed behind me as rage fumed from my being.

“What a bitch.” I muttered moving to my bathroom and stripping from my sweaty clothes and turning on the shower.

The lukewarm shower felt nice against my hot skin, creating a calming effect. It was nice. Relaxing almost. Until a sudden pounding at my door broke the peace.

“What!” I yelled, not bothering to get out of the shower not really caring who was there, just the fact that they interrupted my relaxation.

“Y/N, open the door we need to talk! Now!” Tony’s distinct voice called through the door. Mumbling a few curses as I reluctantly stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around my torso and opening my bedroom door to an angry looking Tony and Steve face of disappointment.

“Im kinda busy, what do you want?” I asked.

“What the hell did you say to Brooke? She's in tears.” Tony barked, eliciting an eyeroll.

“What a drama queen.” I mumbled under my breath.

“The hell did you say?” Tony said, gripping my wrist. I glared at him ripping my wrist from his hand.

“I said she’s a drama queen. Get over it.” I said clearly. “I told her that I didn’t trust her. I have the right not to trust someone who has been a part of Shield for the last 4 years, just come out about her powers.” I restated the conversation from earlier.

“Why would you say that to her? She's just trying to fit in.” Steve said in a sad sympathetic tone.

“Well, she seems to have fit in quite well, now hasn’t she.” I sent the two a fake smile “I’m going back to my shower.” I closed the door, ignoring the pounding knocks on the door as I walked back to my shower. 

The pounding against my door finally ceased and I got out a few minutes afterwards, changing to sweats and a loose shirt. 

I ran my finger through my tangled hair as I made my way to the kitchen to grab something to eat. As soon as I turned into the living room, the team was there coddling to the sniffling Brooke on the couch.

“Seriously, you’re still crying? It’s been an hour and a half.” I scoff at the sight, eyes all turning to me, looks of rage across each face.

“What the hell is wrong with you? Are you trying to be an asshole or something?” Sam questioned, standing from his seat and making his way towards me.

“I’m just trying to show you that not everything is as it seems.” I sneered peering at Brooke over his shoulder.

“You’re a monster.” She whimpered quietly.

“Then maybe you should watch yourself. Monsters are dangerous.” I mocked moving past Sam to the kitchen. 

Suddenly the quiet room went into chaos as Brooke stood up, placing her hand onto my clothed shoulder turning me to face her. Her hand still on my shoulder I took her wrist into my hand, tightening the grip.

A collective gasp came from the group, many standing from their spots on the couch. Brooke's eyes widened, frozen in shock before she realized that she was supposed to collapse right about now. As soon as I felt her knees buckle, falsely, I gripped her shoulders.

“Don’t play games with me. Don't ever, ever think you’re capable of that.” I chided, staring into her brown eyes.

Her mouth opened like a fish out of water, still in shock that her facade had been broken.

“I saw who you are. You really are a monster. The people you killed, families, innocent children.” She said, loud enough for the Avengers to hear, thinking she was really doing something. And she was, her words got under my skin. 

“Oh ya? What else did you see? How I killed them? How I watched each of their souls leave their body before I determined it was a completed mission?” I sneered, seeing the tears in her eyes.

“You killed so many.” she whimpered pathetically.

“Do you know why?” I asked, truly testing her. Noone really knew the reason behind my mercenary days, they believed that I had been manipulated like Bucky and forced into it. Which was accurate if you looked at it sideways and squinted.

“You were manipulated. You were under Hydra’s control.” she stated confidently, tears still evident in her eyes. Another false. 

“Bravo, you've read my file.” I smirked, “I was never manipulated into anything. And It wasn't Hydra, it was called The Mist.” 

Brooke’s eyes widened, being caught in her lie, tears dripping down her cheeks. She took a timid step back, which I responded with taking a step towards her.

“Believe me, I've brushed against your skin plenty of times before this. If your powers were true you would be curled up on the floor in unconsolable tears right now.” I remarked.

I looked over her shoulder to the Avengers standing guard, Tony looking through archives coming across a secret file under my name. “You really should have done your research before coming after me.” I directed to Brooke looking at her again.

“Well, I’m sure now that your true past has been exposed they don't want anything to do with you anyways, considering how awful you really were.” Brooke sneered.

“You’re right. I wouldn’t want to have someone untrustworthy on the team.” I started. “But I’ve proven myself trustworthy enough times to show that I’m not some bitch trying to wiggle her way into the Avengers.”

“I’ve been loyal to them, showed them they could trust me.” she argued her defenses high.

“I’m sure you have, every time you told them something from their past, something that could be found within a file.” I countered. “Every time you touched someone, even though you supposedly avoided contact, just so one of the guys could catch you and coddle you.” I moved towards her, causing her to step backwards. “Every mission that someone had to come to your aid because you couldn't handle fighting like an Avenger.” 

Her legs hit the couch and her knees buckled causing her to fall into the cushions. I planted myself in front of her, towering over her terrified figure.

“Your nothing but a liar. You’re not Avenger material, and after this scheme you're not even worth being a SHIELD agent.” I sneered. Her brown eyes widened as tears threatened to spill. 

“I don’t know what you're talking about.” she muttered quietly.

“God! You really don't know when you’ve lost do you? Get over yourself. You lost. You don't deserve a spot on this team or in this organization. Get out before I do something I might regret.” I emphasized. 

At that she leapt up from the couch and retreated to her room, packed her bags and ran through the compound exiting the doors.

“Friday, call Fury. Tell him we have a stray agent.” I call out, turning back to the kitchen.

My way was blocked by a broadening figure. I looked up to see Steve, his face twisted with regret.

“I don't need an apology from any of you. I get it. Misguidance can be one hell of a factor in doing something you regret.” I stated before brushing past the Captain, hiding the rageful tears in my eyes.

I heard the sound of footsteps following me through the doorway, the sound of boots against the wooden floor of the kitchen.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Tony questioned. His tone was soft and filled with worry.

“Well, considering the welcoming party thrown for Bucky, that was talked about all over the world, I figured that if you truly knew my history my party wouldn't be as kind.” I turned to face them with a knowing look.

Ranges of guilt and empathy passed over the faces of the heros in front of me.

“Besides, ‘The Mist’ was disassembled eons ago after I left. I didn't think it was appropriate to bring up a ghost story of another evil organization. We have enough shit to deal with.” I gave a half-hearted smile to them, which was slimmly returned.

“We’re sorry. For everything.” Nat apologized, her green eyes boring into mine. I gave her a soft smile.

“Like I said, Misguidance is a hell of a thing. So no more apologizing let's just get back to the way things were and hope to God that Wanda comes home soon.” A quiet chuckle rumbles from the few in front of me as they move in for a quick hug.

Though there was still some healing to be done, everything went back to normal and we were the compatible team that people believed we always were.

====================================================

S.S: Again tell me what you think! Let me know of any errors or anything so I can fix them!! Thanks again for reading!

[savnofilter]

no nuance november!

a/n: which is basically you have a bunch of opinions and dont explain any of em' and let your followers discuss them (much more suited for tiktok sjsnj). i'll be doing it since it compiles with many topics like fandom, racism, lgbtq+, politics and etc. i highly encourage people to do this simply because why not? feel free to send your own opinions n stuff, i wanna know what my followers think!!

disclaimer!! ⚠️ all of these are broad, not pin pointing certain people or situations. even though these are my opinions these were all in fun and have been collected over the years and will change as time goes on. nothing is sugar-coated so thread carefully. feel free to agree or disagree. :)

warning(s): mentions of racism, p*do micro aggression, fetishizing, toxicity, abuse, politics, labelling, mental health, cancelling, fandoms, ages.

key:

iswis = i said what i said, no explanation to that one.

whe = will happily explain.

stop sexualizing gay/m|m/yaoi relationships. it's not only demonizing to the males, it's also very fetishizing. (iswis)

most times /10 yall root for "feminine men" when you really mean white boys and fetishised asian men on social media. (whe)

bullying someone isnt educating. you either cant cope with the fact people have different opinions from you or you have a struggle with things either always never going your way or the opposite. (iswis)

straight people will never have a say in lgbtq+ issues. stop inserting yourself. (iswis)

white people will never have a say in poc issues. stop inserting yourself. (iswis)

poc will never have a say in black people issues. stop inserting yourself. (vice versa but im black and it happens more often to us lol) (iswis)

using the defense, "but black lives matter, right?" when one black person does something bad isnt facts, youre racist. (iswis)

fandom adults need to stop gatekeeping the target audience (demographics) to animes/shows. (iswis)

poc people can be racist. (whe)

even if a certain site was adult doesnt mean that every adult wants to see your porn. either keep it to yourself or tag properly. (iswis)

saying shit like, "im more xyz than you and im not even xyz" is not only disrespectful but disgusting. just because you believe in a popular opinion of a group does NOT suddenly make you a person in it, get over yourself. (iswis)

dont hate on people for the same things you have done at a young age. (ex: writing fanfic, seggs, etc) (iswis)

blaming a minor/someone mentally unstable for being abused is not only victim blaming, but it enables the notion that people who go those things that they wanted it. (iswis)

going off of that last point, if you do victim blame for situations and been in them yourself you either still havent coped with what you went through and still think it was your fault when it wasnt. (whe)

it's stupid people hate minors for being undeveloped when adults are the reason as to why people get traumas, abused and quite literally are destroying the world right now. (iswis)

gen z is white as fuck. (iswis)

early 2000s kids are equivalent to 90s kids who use to post, "only 90s kids under this" and post something that 2000-5 experienced. (iswis)

dear 2005+ kids, abusing harmful substances and having sex doesnt make you grown. stop it. (iswis)

adults, being able to post porn doesnt make you grown or mature, stop believing that it does. (iswis)

just because it's a coping mechanism doesnt mean it's healthy. (iswis)

avoiding conflict doesnt mean youre mature. if there is an active problem and you know ignoring it will only benefit you and not the actual problem at hand that is selfish. (iswis)

black women generate clout for everyone. when we're hated the person gets patted on the back, someone appreciates black girls they are praised, and people of many groups repeatedly steal from our culture. (iswis)

YES THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING BLACK AND AFRICAN AMERICAN. (whe)

if youre black you do not have to be democrat OR republican, there are many other parties. (whe)

i do not trust either parties, no minority should. (whe)

this 2020 election was not a win for poc people no matter who won. (iswis)

we do not decide whether or not what to do on columbus day. it is up to the natives themselves. (whe)

pointing out other countries (current) faults is not racist. although the issue can be misconstrued, if proper research is done it safe to say it's an educated observation or opinion. (whe)

privilege heavily varies; ex, americans are seen as privileged, while the people who live in it experience a disadvantage because of the societal standards. within the country itself. (whe)

americans, stop saying that america is the worst country and there are other countries who are suffering much worse than we are. yes sometimes it sucks but do not label it as the worst. (iswis + whe)

white people are privileged and will always be until we break the racist issues deep rooted in EVERY community. (iswis)

9/10 when marginalized groups like (women, lgbt) are mostly focused on white people and never address the poc counter parts. using the excuse "well idk much about that" is not good enough and just promotes pseudo-white supremecy. (iswis + whe)

do not use aave. (iswis)

aave is not gen z language, stop calling it that. (iswis)

gay men (white especially) use black women and get praised for the things we do that are called ghetto. (iswis)

yes it is offensive if you touch a black persons hair with or without permission. we are not your pets nor zoo animals. (iswis)

and yes it is offensive if you see a black women with beautiful hair and assume it's fake or ask, "is it yours?" "is it real?" (iswis)

using jailbait as an excuse to lewd minors is just as disgusting. (iswis)

beauty standards for women is rooted from pedophilia. (iswis)

using other pedophilic relationships as an excuse to ship yours is disturbing and you shouldnt be near children at any capacity. (iswis)

everything doesnt need a label. (iswis)

the fact that gangs have been criminalized while mafias havent is racist and feeds the stereotypes that poc are criminals. (iswis)

people are more forgiving to white predators than to poc (neither are good but people let white off the hook more often). (iswis)

if youre okay with your friends being racists, creeps, abusers you are just as bad. (iswis)

although you can like what you like, making dark content shouldnt be as glorified as much as it is. (iswis)

some kinks do deserve to be kink shamed. (iswis)

adults need to be more held accountable when held in situations with minors. (iswis + whe)

everyone perceives the world differently, many people will see the same things you see differently. (iswis)

calling people crazy for questioning the things around them doesnt make them crazy, youre just asleep. (iswis)

the human body can function without a soul. (iswis)

stop disrespecting christianity. you wouldnt do the same with hinduism, islam and etc. (iswis)

the bible was altered by white men and the true meanings have been misconstrued. (iswis + whe)

bullying someone who you THINK is problematic is not excuse to be hateful. youre just scum and feel the need to justify your actions. (iswis)

not everyone has to like you and dont need a reason. (iswis)

just because you dont like someone doesnt mean you have to make a show of it. be mature and move along. (iswis)

yes callouts/cancelling has its place but it's never done right. (iswis)

"cancel culture" wasnt a thing till white people joined in. (iswis)

dont cancel someone for stuff they did years ago. bringing it up is important but not allowing them to understand, reflect, and apologize is not only bullying it defeats the purpose of bringing awareness. (iswis)

big writers need to stop complaining when one fic or a few dont do good. not only does it rub in small writers faces, it shows that if you need people's validation to write you probably shouldnt be writing. some works will be popular and some will flop, get over it. (iswis)

stop witch hunting & crucifying people for shit you have done or your friends have done and going "uwu sorry" when you get caught. (iswis)

90% people believe content creators with bigger audiences. (iswis)

people spontaneously posting, "uwu take care of your mental health" doesnt mean that they actually care. (iswis)

people are always quick to judge people with real mental health such as depression, anxiety, adhd, and etc are always the one to turn and pretend to be exactly what they just mocked. (iswis)

dont have kids if youre not going to take care of them. (iswis)

stop baiting baby otakus (people freshly getting into anime) into watching cp like yarichin bitch club or boku no pico. they are minors, it's not funny, stop it. (iswis)

stop being protective & toxic over anime characters. if they were real they probably wouldnt even like you. (iswis)

just because someone is your friend doesnt mean that they arent toxic or abusive. (iswis)

start believing when people show their true traits. (iswis)

trauma happens in different forms, stop saying something didnt happen because it didnt go the way that has commonly happened or the way it occurred to you. (iswis)

stop saying minors should "know" while also being the loudest to say that our brains arent even developed till 25. (iswis)

the adult age should be raised to 20 years old. (iswis + whe)

tos should be raised to 16 years old. (iswis + whe)

minors take "18+" & "minors dni" out of your bio. (iswis)

yelling at minors for finding the content you freely put out without any care is your fault not theirs. (iswis)

there are plenty of adult sites that are more confined for adults but you guys ignore them because youd rather get popular on writing erotica on a popular social media platform. (iswis)

trying to cancel someone over one mistake and or blowing said things out of proportion is toxic and stupid. (iswis)

if you take someone saying they need to distance themselves for mental health reasons personally and make them feel bad for it youre an actual shitty person. (iswis)

if someone disrespects you, you have the right to say whatever you want in response. (iswis + whe)

stop hypersexualizing everything (adults especially). (iswis)

the excuses of, "they look grown" "i mentally think xyz" "theyre fake" is creepy and weird and yall should come up with a better excuse. (iswis)

yes i do believe minors should be writing for minors only, but i will not give a shit if an adult does if said characters are aged up in every work sfw or not. (iswis)

stop saying teens cant go through traumatic things and cant experience mental illnesses. it just shows that you werent cared for as a child and never get the therapy for it. (iswis)

gen z has a very colonized idea of activism. (iswis)

feminism was never for all women until the rest of us forced ourselves in. and even now it's still an issue whether or not people realize it or not. (iswis)

poc solidarity doesnt exist as much as we try to make it happen. (iswis)

colorism is an issue, and no you will not tell me otherwise. (iswis)

the hot cheeto girl is offensive and demeans black & hispanic culture. (iswis)

stop bashing minors for breathing, just say youre mad youre not young anymore and move on. (iswis)

black men are the white people of black people. (iswis)

there is no reason as to why you anyone would refer to black people as "blacks". nor should you (non-black people) be arguing whether or not to say nigga even with the hard r. (iswis)

if you (pertains to white people) think white privilege doesnt exist but go on to make fun of or ignore minority problems you are the living and breathing example of what we are talking about. (iswis)

loli/shotas are fucking disgusting and people who like it deserve to be tortured for eternity. (iswis)

seriously, stop using theyre "fake" as an excuse. (iswis)

if youre comfortable with being hateful to someone but still consider yourself a nice person because you do the hate minimum to be a decent human, youre either a narcissist or have a god complex. (iswis)

coons have no say in black issues. (iswis)

people need to stop blaming the "home wrecker" for ruining the relationship when it was the s/o's fault as well. there is no home to enter without an owner. (iswis)

stop saying any asian man yo see reminds you of a haikyuu character and or any anime character. it's racist. (iswis)

stop saying any asian person looks like a kpop idol, it's racist. (iswis)

stop downplaying and invalidating when black women go through traumatic things. not only does it promote that we have to be strong and save everyone else's problems, it says that we dont have emotions and cant be a victim which is disgusting. (iswis)

if you say shit like "minors curate your own experience" then go and turn around to say you REFUSE TO TAG YOUR SHIT YOU ARE LITERALLY MAKING THE PROCESS OF CENSORING HARD! (iswis)

white women are just as much of a problem as white men. only difference is sex keeping them apart. (iswis)

stop saying kpop is racist. expecting artists from a different political progression to understand that things can be offensive is bland. (iswis)

people accept boy groups fuck-ups more than they accept girl groups. and most times out of ten, the males are worse. (iswis)

if you engage in nsfw conversation with a minor, it is your fault they responded. (iswis)

anyone can be abused. (iswis)

stop coddling adults and bullying minors. (iswis)

most of you females have internalized misogyny and dont even know it. (iswis)

you can callout issues without having to drag a group of people. same with uplifting. (iswis)

if youre fine with being a sheep unfollow me. (iswis)

seven deadly sins is not a good anime. (iswis)

there is a difference between boku no hero academia fans based on if they call it "bnha" or "mha". (iswis)

ships literally are not serious stop harassing people over ships. (iswis)

do not harass creators of series because they do something with THEIR story. make your own. (iswis)

stop saying horikoshi sexualizes his women too much/mineta is the worst when you guys enjoy shows like one piece, hunter x hunter, naruto and etc. (iswis)

minors often or not are sheeps (heres your sign you dont have to agree with everything other people say). (iswis)

just because minors can be mature doesnt mean that they are adults. stop treating them as such. (iswis)

we should give more voice actors in the asmr (idk what to call it) community more recognition instead of just one. (iswis)

writers are the ones that send hate to other writers. anon hate is so corny and if you do it that goes to show that you are truly a toxic person wearing a fake mask of kindness when youre not on anonymous. (iswis)

stop being mean to smaller writers because they did not have as much luck as you. (iswis)

stop blaming your readers because one story flopped. (iswis)

ignoring someone's shitty actions encourages them to do it more. (iswis)

going to school and getting a job is much harder now than it was before. (iswis)

being an adult doesnt automatically make you mature. just because youre older doesnt mean youre better or you opinion is more valuable. it just shows that you werent heard when you were younger. (iswis)

there should be no reason as to why someone of the age of 18 should be having any romantic relationship with someone who is a minor. (iswis)

hawks is a shitty character. (iswis)

bakudeku isnt toxic. (iswis)

just because bakugo is in a ship, doesnt mean it's toxic. (iswis)

stop shipping male characters together simply because they have screen time together. it's creepy. (iswis)

almost all of 1-a students have ptsd and anything close to the after effects of being traumatized. (iswis)

no, editing characters to be poc is not racist. youre just mad they arent "white" when they never were. theyre asian and come in many colors as well. (iswis)

wanting to only be with a different race to get a mixed baby is fucking disgusting. (iswis)

stop ignoring pedo relationships between older women and younger boys and or with older women in general. (iswis)

males can be abused, stop telling them to suck it up or that they cant go through things. (iswis)

shaming young females about things they cant control is misogynistic and is damaging to their identity and shouldnt be excused. (iswis + whe)

not all females have to shave. (iswis)

what you dont like in someone is the projections you see of yourself on other people that you dont like about yourself. (whe)

popular bl stories extremely misrepresent gay relationships and frankly it's disgusting that theyre boosted as much as they are. (iswis)

jjba isnt ugly, you just watch animes to sexualize the characters. (iswis)

it's shitty that anime and kpop only became cool once white people stated to like it and made it mainstream. go gatekeep family guy or something. (iswis)

if you have been anime fan for a long time you were with bullied/teased for just generally liking it or you were a weirdo who recreated shit from it. (iswis)

weaboo and weeb were bad terms till we made them positive?? literally otaku is the word for it but we use weeb instead lol. (whe)

normalize and promote educating someone without going straight to bullying them. (whe)

haikyuu isnt really a good manga/anime nor is the art style the best but the characters make up for it. (iswis)

stop misusing terms and stop nitpicking definitions to manipulate your narrative. (iswis)

toxic positivity is manipulative and if you have to make it back handed you are not as nice as you like to make it seem. (iswis)

studying a major doesnt mean youre actually good in the subject. (iswis)

normalize people realizing their past mistakes and growing from it. (iswis)

do not self diagnos unless you actually feel like you may have that issue and would like to seek help. mental health is not a personality trait. (iswis)

stop projecting onto people. (iswis)

stop misusing terms and stop nitpicking definitions to fit your narrative. (iswis)

stealing any type of work should not be tolerated. (iswis)

constantly trying to trigger someone to go back to their old ways (being toxic, abusive, addiction, suicidal etc) after changing is toxic and manipulative. (iswis)

if you make jokes about hurting kids and or feel the need speak badly about them i do not want to speak to you. (iswis)

the human brain wasnt developed to understand complex ideas such as death or the universe. (iswis)

we will never truly know what is beyond our skies. (iswis)

thats all, thanks for sifting!

[chronicallywasting]

Minor spoiler warning for things im working on below the cut!!

[Long post]

So lets start of with the story. At first it was gonna be how an enderman and an axolotl hybrid would interact. Sort of inspired by @ nachosforfree's one oc poat with a piglin and an enderman (i dont wanna tag lol).

The character Aether (who i named myself after) was originally from a different story, which one of my first artworks on here is from.

Ester was an entirely new character at the time, meant to be the companion of Aether, who already had an existing personality and backstory.

AETHERS DEVELOPMENT

Aether's original design was sort of meant to be an avatar for a fnaf fan comic i was working on. The avatar was just for authors notes and qnas and was in a much more cartoony style.

After I dropped that, I took that character (who was named Auden at the time) and turned it into Aether. (Fun fact: Aether originally used she/her pronouns, which is present in theur backstory) You can still see the original character at GoldSad-OnO on deviantart, my abandoned account.

At this point I had tuned Aether into a phantom. They sported my black and white hoodie, some oversized jeans, and a fnaf puppet mask (which I still plan on using for certain things) no skin or hair was shown.

After I got into dsmp, I wanted to turn them into a dsmp-sona. They were introduced as an axolotl hybrid then. I also wanted to have them have did (or another related personality disorder) obviously planning on doing plenty of research as to not misrepresent people with said disorder.

It was then theyre original backstory was created.

They were from a wealthy family underwater, and was an only child. Theyre father left when they were 6 and their mother was killed at a party 2 years later.

Aether was originally around 14, but after some development, was aged up to be an adult.

(Around this time I also used the same character, minus the system, as a character in a vent world i created)

After a while, I dropped the system aspect of them, and developed their character even more.

They were no longer a dsmp sona as well. I gave them the story before I created Ester after that development.

The story was about Aether and an unnamed character (i forgot the name) a deer hybrid who fell in love and wished for immortality but didnt get what they wanted.

They were cursed, one of them gaining immortality and the other being reincarnated with any and all past memories integrated into their minds untul they found each other, where they would switch roles and the process would start over again. This would happen until they fell out of love and moved on.

When the 1.17 update came out, I had created Ester to go along with Aether, dropping the previous story.

Aether was given theyre original backstory back, mixed in with themes of reincarnation.

Theyre backstory looked a little like this at this point:

Aether was raised as the princess of atlantis, an underwater city full of merlings and fullbreds (Ill explain those terms later) with their sisters, Adrian and Savannah. They lived a fairly normal life, as normal as it can be with an absent father.

Around the age of 14, their mother was killed at a banquet held for the people. They and their sisters escaped unharmed. They started gaining memories that werent theirs, learning they had lived hundreds of times before.

The beginning, before this reincarntaion process, was the first monster-human hybrid, a phantom hybrid. The hybrid was alone and asked a witch to give them friends, and so the witch became a friend.

The hybrid found some other nocturnal hybrids that they she made friends with, leaving the witch behind. The witch felt betrayed and cursed an eternal life spell- with a twist.

Now, Aether raises theyre younger siblings, and met Ester in the nether, where they were getting attacked by a piglin.

As of currently, ive scrapped that (or the most part) and Aether had become the god of the sky for my current project :)

ESTERS DEVELOPMENT

Ester is a fairly recent character. He's stayed the same for the most part- in terms of both character design an personality. He's kinder, and dislikes a newer character, Teleb (king of the end)

His character formerly was a bit flirty, and had liked Aether as more than just a friend.

He's the former general of the Ender royal guard and close friend of the queen of the end.

I havent done much for his character, and dont plan on doing so in the future. He will still be a character, but will be played by someone else ;)

TELEBS DEVELOPMENT

Teleb is more recent than Ester, created as a way to create conflict in the plot.

He was manipulative and had cheated on his wife, the queen, more than once. He wanted total control and hadnt cared for his child at all, only wanting a powerful heir. Overall, he was a horrible character, and meant to be so. He wasnt meant to gain any sympathy points from anyone, as he had no redeeming qualties.

The only major design change was his eyes going from purple to green.

Now, (hopefully) his character will be having more redeeming qualities, and maaaybe have some pining over mx. sky god over there

PAST STORY AND ITS LORE

The past story, going fro RE:➡Silent since June➡current form was a story with the main characters being Aether and Ester. Esters goal was to find the missing prince and Aethers was to find a home for them and their siblings.

It had many different species in its lore, including merlings (aquatic hybrids), quadrupedians (four-legged mammal hybrids), avians (flightless bird hybrids), elytrians (hybrids with wings that can fly), enderians (hybrids of end creatures), insectoids (hybrids with insects and arachnids), netherspawn (hybrids of nether creatures), mobspawn (monster hybrids), shifters (hybrids that can shift from an animal to hybrid to other animal/human/mob), and fullbreds (non-hybrids).

Different hybrids had their own civilzations and sub species. Shifters could only shift from one speices to another and had sub groups (ie. Dolphin shifter, Hoglin Shifter, Spider Shifter, etc.)

INTRODUCTION OF THE NEWEST VERSION OF THE STORY

This story has been revised, now taking the for of an smp :) it will be called the Passivesmp and will have multiple elements of the past story integrated into it. Hopefully, itll use the origins mod for extra detail and will be story-based.

There are some pre-existing characters that will need to be played, me taking on two of them: Passive and Aether.

The other pre-existing characters that need played are Teleb and Ester. Some extra roles are "the queen" and "the prince".

There wont be any applications of sort as i will ask friends i know if they wanna join. Instead of streaming it, it will be posted on my youtube channel which currently has no videos on it.

I wont tell any parts of the story ideas I have, as i want that to be a surprise. I hope to see you then!

[justalitlecreacher]

I’m here to prove that Andrew Garfield’s portrayal of Spider-man/peter parker in The Amazing Spider-Man is objectively the best love action adaptation of the character. In this essay I will....(yes this is really happening)

Edit: 10/20/20- i want to indulge myself in spiderman content but finding non mcu spiderman content is exhausting so imma update this instead

TL;DR

Andrew Garfield is my favorite of the 3 Spider-Man actors. TAS’s Peter is more fun and dynamic than the cookie cutter “shy introverted nerd that has a crush on a girl who’s way out of his league” Peter in Tobey Maguire’s movies. I enjoy Tom Holland’s portrayal of the character, but hate the way Disney has written the movies.  I enjoy the characters, plot, and humor of The Amazing Spider-Man far more than the other 2, and i deeply wish we had gotten the third movie with the canon BIder-Man of Andrew’s (and my) dreams.

[DISCLAIMER: I HAVE NOT SEEN THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN 2 OR ANY MCU SPIDERMAN MOVIES OUTSIDE OF CLIPS AND REVIEWS ITS ALSO BEEN A VERY HOT MINUTE SINCE IVE SEEN A TOBEY MAGUIRE MOVIE]

Characterization

  Most arguments against Andrew Garfield’s Spidey( AG’s from now on) begin and ends with “he was a good Spider-Man but a bad Peter Parker”. This references an outdated post comparing all three Spidey actors.(Id attach the image here but i dont want the post to be too long(thats a lie this is so long what am i doing with my life)) The post also claims that Tobey played a good Peter and a poor Spidey; and that Tom is good at both “roles”.(Honestly I think it seems silly that this seems obey the “third time’s the charm” rule but thats just me).  Most people using this seem to be Tobey stans who have forgotten or ignored the rest of the post funnily enough, but the ones that go further into the WHY AG is a poor Peter are also incorrect. This argument also ignores the idea that there can be more than one version of Peter Parker which is blatantly incorrect.  Just look at Into the Spiderverse or the PS4 game; these provide 4(5 if you count the pig) versions of Peter themselves, and that doesnt even include the comics. 

 Arguments that go further in depth claim that the AS Peter is too cool or well liked by his peer to be a “true” Peter Parker. The evidence for this seems to be that Peter has a skateboard.(which what? didnt realize that having a skateboard would instantly make you cool brb guys). Adding to that i dont really see where people get the idea that Peter is popular or well liked. While looking for complaints i found this qutoe from reddit(theyve since deleted it looks like but i’ll add a link in the notes) “He's angsty, pretty socially awkward, has an aptitude for science, and is kind of an outsider. He gets bullied by Flash and he gets his ass kicked after trying to stand up to Flash. He isn't a "cool" person in any way (until the ending, in which he's best buds with Flash, so I'll give you that). While Maguire is more accurate to the 60s comics where Peter in high school is just a fucking loser with basically no friends, in the ultimate comics, Peter is more of the kid who has a small amount of friends, but isn't popular.”. Honesty i fully agree with this because once again, other versions of a character are allowed to exist. You can dislike one version, but its silly to dislike something for not being exactly like another thing.

Ive also heard that Peter isnt “nerdy enough” in this movie which really doesnt make any sense considering the entire plot happens because Peter was looking into some of his parents’ research. If he wasn't interested in looking further into his father’s work what reason would he have to go to Oscorp where he’s bitten by the spider? Why would he have become Dr. Conner’s assistant? If he wasn’t intelligent how did he develop the web shooters?(something that Tobey!Peter doesn't have to do out of plot convenience might i add).  

 Another complaint i see is that the quips he uses in the movie(the first one specifically it seems) makes him seem like an asshole. Honestly thats a fair complaint, but i think its a good bit of characterization; espcially if he does get better about it in the second movie like the internet suggests.The Peter in this movie is a rightfully angsty teen; of course he acts a bit of an ass to criminals(also i feel like its important to mention that he’s like that to criminals? its not like hes being a dick for no reason).

  Compare this with the Tobey Maguire(TM) movies. Like i said i haven’t seen these in awhile but as far as i’m aware TM’s Peter doesn't really do anything particularly nerdy in the film? I may have forgotten something( ok in the scene before he gets bitten he knows a cool spider fact) but he doesn’t have to invent the web-shooters because they came with his powers and he’s only at Oscorp in the first place because it’s a school field trip that he appears to be taking photos for. This Peter does fit the definition of outcast(friendless and bullied for it), but honestly i just dont like him. He’s weird and something about the character makes me feel like i should be a little grossed out every time he looks at MJ at the beginning of the movie.  

   I honestly don’t have any complaints for Tom Holland’s(TH’s)Spidey. Tom is a great actor and from what ive seen i enjoy his portrayal of the character.( He made me cry when i character i actively dislike died).  

Story

  I cant really say much for TAS story. It’s interesting but nothing special really. However, there is one scene that i don’t think i’ve seen anything like since( the closest would probably be the train scene in the original trilogy). 

 The crane scene. Early in the film Peter saves a boy from a car that has fallen off of a bridge, and at the end of the movie this becomes relevant again when it is uncertain that Peter will be able to get to the lizard to stop him in time.(as Peter is already injured and pretty far from the lizard’s location). The boy’s father is then revealed to be a construction worker who recognizes that Spider-man is going to need help to get to the lizard; he remembers how Spider-Man saved his son and organizes the rest of the construction workers to build a path out of crane arms for SM to swing from. All of them are putting themselves in danger by not evacuating, but SM’s actions in the first act of the film motivate them to do what’s right. 

  I love this scene primarily because it highlights something that i think is a really important part of Spider-Man’s character; his connection to the people he saves. SM is often shown interacting with and chatting with the people he has saved after the fact. One comic shows Peter accidentally scaring some bullies and then taking the time to ride the bus to school with them to continue their conversation and educate the students on bullying.( There’s definitely more but this is off the top of my head).

  Another scene in TAS that i love is shortly before the crane scene when Peter is originally attempting to make his way across the city to stop the lizard, and he is shot down by the police. They manage to unmask him before Peter comes to his senses( he had just been shot and fallen pretty far out of the sky in his defense). From there Peter is able to deal with the police while keeping any of them from getting a good look at his face. The one cop he cant take out happens to be Gwen Stacey’s father who had previously had an argument with Peter about Spider-Man(Peter obviously on SM’s side and Mr. Stacey against SM). Peter turns and allows Captain(?) Stacey to see his face. I believe that this is an example of an unwilling identity reveal done right. i really enjoyed this moment because Peter had just shown that he likely could have gotten out of this encounter with his identity in tact as he had just taken down however many men. This implies that it was an active choice on Peter’s end to trust that Captain Stacey would ultimately do the right thing and allow Peter to go fight the Lizard, rather than a final desperate attempt to get away unscathed. Whether or not this interpretation of the scene is correct or not it still gives the character a bit more agency than some versions have done with their identity reveals.

  In Spider-Man 2 Peter starts to lose his powers because he’s having internal conflict about wether or not he should be Spider-Man. Honestly thats kinda neat and i might want to give that a rewatch. As for the one i have seen i don’t have any complaints. I do however prefer the way that Peter was bitten in TAS because it was a result of him poking around where he shouldn’t’ve been rather than him just happening to be standing in the right place for a spider to land on him. 

  Onto TH’s movies; the way Disney has treated Spidey in the MCU is why TH’s is my least favorite version of the character. I feel like too much of the story revolves around Iron Man; Iron Man made Peter’s suit and equipment, Iron Man introduces Peter to the MCU(via blackmail but thats another rant for another annoyingly long post), its Iron Man that “makes” Spidey in this universe rather than Spidey being self-made. In Homecoming(which remember i havent seen outside of clips so bear with me) most of the conflict is cause directly or indirectly by Tony’s refusal or inabilty to communicate with the teenager he’s meant to be mentoring

 For one the entire incident with the ferry could have very easily been avoided had Tony bothered to communicate with Peter enough to tell him that the situation was being taken care of. On top of that at the moive’s climax Peter is shown trying to get in contact with Happy(from what ive picked up isnt he a chauffeur? like idk his deal i just know he’s someone Peter got pawned off onto after Civil War). Peter even goes as far as to somehow hack into Happy’s phone(i think thats what happened it was a weird tech thing that shouldve been a red flag that the call was important though) but instead of listening; Peter is ignored. If this was a different kind of movie Peter literally could have died and itd be the fault of Happy and Tony like..... A large portion of conflict comes from characters being incompetent and not communicating and thats just poor storytelling.

Before this turns too much into an anti mcu rant id also like to say that the way they did Civil War was really dumb considering that Peter defects to Cap’s side in the comics, but whatever.

 Also i loathe the way they handled the identity reveal at the end of Far From Home. With MCU movies most people know to expect an end credits scene by now, but typically that scene is not important to understand what’s happening in the films; they just aren’t important. Putting an identity reveal here makes it seem significantly less important than it is. On top of that i dislike their use of J Jonah Jameson for this scene.

  JJJ is a character who has been repeatedly shown to have a genuinely good heart. All of his anger comes from a place of love for his city(he even says this hemself in the ps4 game when May writes in to tell him that he needs help). He hates Spider-Man because SM reminds him of the masked man who killed his wife; JJJ has never been able to get past that( and Peter’s antagonism of him definitely doesnt help) However, JJJ has been shown to care for people; he has a son who he often brags about, and one comic shows that JJJ is paying Peter for “amateur” quality photos because he knows that Peter is having a hard time and “just need some help”. JJJ has even learned Peter’s identity before and kept his secret for him(seriously though i cant remember the name of the comic but its defiantly worth the read), and in the original trilogy when Goblin threatens JJJ he claims that he doesn’t know who sends in the photos of Spidey because he does it via email( this is a lie). The MCU will have a very difficult time convincing me that JJJ would ever out a teenager’s identity and put him in danger like that. It goes too far against his character.(this could be hypocritical of me to say considering how i just insisted that multiple versions of a character can exist but whatever ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) 

This is accidentally turning into an MCU rant but id also like to say that i hate the lack of a TH!Spidey origin movie because it gives you no motivaion for Peter becoming SM or explanation of his powers; most people will know these things but if youre unfamiliar with the character its bound to be confusing(and im a sucker for origin movies)

[heyitsyn]

lol grammysisoverparty is starting :)

hi okay i know i have died and i literally havent updated anything but dear god i am just so angry can we please have a moment and think about how rigged the grammys is?

so basically there is something spreading all over social media right now that is urging ALL ARMYS OR ANYONE TO LIST3N AND W4TCH AND STR34M DYNAMITE TO 1B VI3WS BECAUSE I AM JUST SO HEATED RIGHT NOW YOU DONT UNDERSTAAAAAAAAAAAND

and to clarify, i do not have any problems or hate ariana grande or lady gaga bc ive been stanning queen ari since victorious lmao and lady gaga since like born this way but thats besides the point! my whole problem is just the grammys management or just the whole thing in general :)

i am just angry at how they, the grammys, basically hyped us all up using bts name and throwing their name around like at first we all were so happy that these boys were even considered such a ‘prestigious’ award. boy were we clowns :) sure i shouldve done research but like duhh everyone knew what the grammys were and how important it is but then things just dont add up. this is something that is proven countless times after hearing famous artists like eminem, the weeknd, zayn, just to name a few! and they were all saying how the award shows are just rigged. n o, its not voted by the world’s opinion. rather its based on a table full of ‘exec big wigs’. WHICH EXPLAINS WHY THE HECK BTS DID NOT WIN? OR JUST THE TIME PLACEMENTS OF THE CATEGORIES? AND THE FACT THAT THEY HAD THE AUDACITY TO NOT INCLUDE THEIR CATEGORY IN LIVE TV BC THEY KNEW THEY K N E W BTS WOULD WIN. LIKE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD A CATEGORY AS IMPORTANT AND HUGE AS THEIRS BE PUSHED AWAY FROM THE LIVE BROADCAST? AND RAP? AND R&B? LIKE WHAT? PLEASE? EXPLAIN? LIKE HELLO? STATISTICS AND THIS DONT ADD UP?

all im heated about is once again, bts is being taken advantaged of and used for clout and views from armys. maybe bc ive been stanning since like the very beginning and theyve suffered so much to get where they are now and its like thats being used against them and theyre being jipped on what is rightfully theirs. im not saying that oh theyre like my kids no. those are boys who worked so hard just to make others happy and the moment an opportunity to repay them comes along, it gets snatched right under our noses.

im confused as to why it wasnt based on the public’s vote on who should get the award. why? because, again not naming names, the people who ‘won’ wouldnt have gotten anything.

they know it.

we know it.

everyone knows it.

i know those people ‘voting’ for the win are just bootyholes bc they know how powerful this fanbase is and how we are can practically boost up their view ratings alone to a few hundred million but guess what? not today maam. this is the last time lmao we aint about to be seen as clowns again. next time grammys happens, billboard happens, all that happens again, better be prepared bc we will fight lol. we are combining fandoms with other artists bc we all know how this isnt right, not just for bts, but for other amazing and deserving artists  :) so pack up your stuff and leave and take your bulldoodoo somewhere else 

pls and thanks

sincerely,

the world

:) <3

okay anyways i know this was long and sorry if you read the whole thing but im just using my platform to spread the news. to repeat, STR34M DYNAMITE FOR 1B OKAY? i dont care how small your blog is bc anything can help and it would be really really great to spread the word. and i know i dont really post issues like this on my blog but THIS IS SOMETHING I NEED TO TALK ABOUT BECAUSE I AM ASIAN MYSELF AND DUE TO THE STUFF HAPPENING IN THE WORLD, NOT JUST THE GRAMMYS BUT TO EVERYONE IN GENERAL?

okay on a final note. listen to tae. well,, more like listen to his face. that mans expresses on his face, we know to believe it.

at first he said O.O then o.o before -.- and just plain '_’

he knew something was up and he been right.

OKAY ANYWAYS BYE STR34M DYNAMITE FOR 1B BYEEEEE

[hopalop]

hi ignore this im writing myself a writing to do list n trying to use the fact that its public to force myself to do it

finish at least one oneshot for ur bnha atla au. u can do it. u have all their backgrounds down n more of the plot points u just need to find the words. also pls make a list of all of the oneshots u have planned so far n order them <333

get a chapter up of ur todosibs running away au bc u have been writing abt it for over a year n still dont have a full chapter done n im tired of it

finish ur FUCKING billy hargove character exploration. again bitch this is taking too goddamn long u have like 10000 words n yet there is not a single finished scene

pls finish the first chapter of ur atla foster care au????? u were on a roll n did so well n then u just dropped it :(((

finish the one w the family photos. literally all u have written so far is the scene where rei wants to murder sho. that is IT. get it together pls

finish i hope you die (i hope we both die) it is literally a short oneshot n u already have 1000 words. get it done

also while were speaking of oneshots im gonna need to have a word w u abt ur cherry laner one. u have been working on that since like y11 i swear????? n u have less than 2000 words to show for it???

pls get at least a chapter written of ur remus story i miss writing abt hope lupin :((((( (ALSO do some more research abt welsh culture esp. in the 70s bc ur lacking on that front. also maybe write abt the yorkshire ripper at some point bc u have been thinking abt that so much n it was vvvv real for english women at the time so muggle girls would defo b talking abt it. its a chance to info dump take it)

OH MY GOD FINISH UR FUCKING TODOBAKU FAE AU I AM SICK OF IT SITTING IN MY DOCS

finish at least one chapter of anything in the ima loser baby series. at least one. thats another thing im sick of being in the docs n not progressing at all (also. do more research on like ghosts n mediums n stuff bc if u write this badly i will kill u)

write ur FUCKING polycule 1a fic. u have so many ideas. u figured out so many of the dynamics. why r u struggling w it sm dude???,,

write ur platonic maiko fic pls???? all u have is bullet points n i know ur dying to write abt feminism n the power dynamics of men n women in the atla universe n different classes

ur doing really well w ur random ideas that mean everything to u n nothing to everyone else doc!!!! that being said, try to focus on one au for a bit??? im giving u permission to put odette!todo but like a cat, the todobaku were not soulmates but i choose to love u anyway au, the character study of todoroki n asking for things, the pirate au, the everyone is in love w todo bc hes my son n i want him to b loved n bc i said so n bc hes pretty, the sokka, im not mad u like men im mad u like zuko!!!!!, the maiko punk florist n cottagecore tattoo artist au, the foster kid harry potter au, the herbalist!zuko au, the uraraka n todoroki confronting izu bc they think all might is a pedophile fic, the zuko and eyes fic n the 5+1 touch centric atla fic to the side for a bit until u have more ideas. also i ban u from starting any more bc. too many

however pls work on (from the random ideas that mean everything to u n nothing to anyone else doc) katara n her relationship w periods n her womanhood, the blind todo hogwarts au, the character study of todo n his weird assortment of skills, the reddie best friends brother one n the fuck!!!!! my blood!!!!! one (bc u havent even figured out what fandom to put it in but i wanna write abt cool “realistic” vampires)

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

tw/venting

ayo the thought of having to go back to school in a little over a month is fucking wild. like.....i feel like i just got out of school and binge watched invincible for the first time. IT FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY. it’s extremely scary thinking about how fast time is passing by because i keep doing the same thing everyday. there’s barely any change in anything. not allowed outside. my IRL friends arent vaxxed yet, and even if they were, my mom’s suspicious of my intentions when going out. and lets not get into the fact that school doesnt stress me out as much, but i’ll be damned if i dont have awful test anxiety still. i feel like everything is fucking passing me by and that sucks ASS. my classmates are going out to beaches and shit, and posting on insta (good for them, i probably need to touch some grass) but like?? i feel like im just being robbed of my life. and teen years and all that. 

i know the pandemic has been hard for LITERALLY everyone. (if you said 2020 was a good year, hush, you’re alone in that regard bestie, dont wanna hear it) but i just......im finally recognizing feelings and all that (shit’s scary man) my thoughts dont match my body whatsoever (not dysphoria, its derealization, or something similar). thats so scary to me. sometimes i catch myself in the mirror and im talking and im like...”thats not me.....oh fuck, it is me.” so i dont look in the mirror and talk aloud, is what im saying. i’ll have a breakdown. but im extremely extroverted. i love people, and seeing people and hugging people. and not feeling like every day that i spend inside of my fucking house is a waste of time because time travel doesnt exist and i cant get any of these days back. at all. it is a never ending cycle. i just want a hug, dude. i’ve never experienced cuddling before either. i would love to platonically cuddle someone. but i got rid of toxic friends (still not over it) and got very radicalized...but for what. my own knowledge and betterment.....but eh. plus i traumadump, nobody wants to hear my sob story, i need to hush. and get in contact with my therapist. and discuss my anxiety issues. and possible depression. and PTSD and so many other things because it’s really not cute. anyways.

also heyy, my body issues are back. like?? hello. not that they ever went away, they just steep for a bit, then start boiling back. and that’s torture for me. having a generally okay body is fine, but then i realize that when i do wear pants, they’re either my overalls (comfort and queerness) or jeans. and yay those are tighter than they were last time. and i know weight fluctuation is a thing that happens, but i really feel like i could do more to not feel as bad. (i mean, sure, i could, but exercising makes me feel horrible mentally so). i see classmates thin and everything (i know thin isnt always healthy, but a part of me wishes that i was bone thin, we wont talk about it) and i know “every body is a bikini body” and i support that initiative 1,000 percent, but A. i have no idea if my parents would even let me get one if i wanted one (i dont) and B. i dont have the confidence to wear something like that. i even hate the fucking swimsuit that i have. i want the fucking full length victorian swimsuits with a shirt and fucking shorts because i cant stand being exposed. my stomach pokes out too much. my arms arent muscly like they were some years back. i just feel....so weird. and the “oh she’s smart, she cant be hot.” one or the other type shit that my brain keeps trying to tell me is real ia NASTY. like heyyy i have a brain, and i use it most days, but my body also shouldnt be fuckshitted like this. this collection of skin and bones keeps me safe (but not from my brain, its on some different shit)

another thing is that i can not wear exposing things. ugh, i would feel so just....out in the open. im literally scared of someone coming behind me and fucking groping me, or slapping my ass. (valid fear) but i literally fucking HATE feeling like that. one, I AM UNDERAGED, and two, ITS NASTY EITHER WAY. and if i went to school, and wore something mildly form fitting, i’d be pushing my body forward to look less noticeable (i dont trust seniors), or pulling my jacket down (i always wear jackets in school) so people arent looking at me. that sucks. and i wish i didnt make my anxiety that bad as to where it just sucks to exist. with a human flesh prison that looks a certain way. i kinda just want to hide my body. permanently. (not dysphoria related, my tits are fine, if they stay, cool, if they don’t, cool) but like...ugh.

and this is where it gets EXTREMELY dark, trigger warning for suicide mention.

yeah last year on the first week of school (virtual) i really wanted to kill myself. which like..isnt okay. i havent really told anyone about that either. because it was an extremely low point for me. i just didn’t think that i could fucking make it through the entire year. all those assignments, and all those days, wasted. im not learning anything valuable (besides maybe science and finance)...i dont know what the fuck i want to do with my life. there’s no such thing as ethical consumption so i’m gonna be contributing to something fucked up, no matter what i do. im weird. and political. and opinionated. and into so many different things. which, y’know, should be cool and fun and fresh. but it terrifies me to know that other people arent like me. that they many never understand my interests. and i feel like this with EVERYONE in EVERY class. unless i see a similar interest. or a tiny flag. but the thought of introducing myself again and again. to more people. who i may never fucking see again. who probably dont care about me. kinda discourages you a bit. so yeah, i really wanted to off myself. it seemed so impossible to get through everything. and then heyyy, near the end of the year, something really shitty happened. was depressed. told my mom i may be autistic... “okay...well....getting diagnoses takes a lot of money. so unless you have 700 bucks laying around....then no.” (who says the person who may ALSO be autistic along with me) few weeks back, talking about my therapist who wanted to talk through the DSM-4 with me “you really think you’re autistic huh.” of course mom. why else would i have written a paper about it, followed actually autistic accounts, and done research on it.

then near the next year, i sucked even more ass. friend shit broke me down and i felt....like i fucked up. which i did. and like i cant keep people in my life. (which is partially true) and i felt more physically exhausted than i had in literal years. i feel very deeply, and especially with negative emotions. so that really fucked me up. (may be something more serious, i have no idea) so there’s that. i just....i’ve never felt like i had been so awful in some time. like i let everyone around me down. so no more of /those/ situations. i dont sleep correctly when my hair is wet, so you can imagine how my dreams were THAT night.

but yeah, i dont feel like wanting to kill myself again. because i know it’s not worth it. but something just keeps pulling me deeper into these disgusting pits of awfulness. like there’s no other way out. (wrong) and gritting my teeth and willing myself to do things is going to hurt, but it’s quite literally the only choice i have. i cant give up. so there’s that. my thoughts and everything. yeah.....it’s 5:10 in the morning, im going the fuck to sleep.

[fthisshiiimout]

" Hope is a dangeous thing" Michael Guerin's words of wisdom! He said it to Max and said it to Maria! But I really hope every single MALEX fan took it to heart cause it was really meant for US!

I dont care what people say in this fandom anymore. "I dont want to hear spoilers" " no spoilers" " you should tag your shit as a spoiler" NO IM NOT GOING TO! Ya know why?? Because Carina herself wouldnt have shown her shit if she didnt want SPOILERS OUT!! DUHH! And Im ranting because Im sick of the headgames with this show..it ridiculous..no wonder why people in this fandom are dropping like flies.

And Im sick and tired of the back and forth between M/M and M/A. Im sick of the headgames with the showrunner as well! One day its " Oh its Maria..shes his light" and whatever else is spewed. And the next its " Ohh Michael and Alex there journey is from darkness to light" and whatever other bullshit is spewed. Cause in reality its all Bullshit to keep Malex fans and Miluca fans to keep watching and fighting. If you ever cared to look at the ratings for season 1 they were abysmal. Only the first 2 episodes got over a million viewers. Which is horrible..but in full disclosure Theres only 1 CW show that has really any kind of following ( and hint hint its not Supernatural..That shows ratings are going down faster then a hooker on payday). Believe me I did the research. I dont understand why they are putting it after a tanking show if they want more viewers ( No disrespect to Supernatural, my daughter and husband love this show). But I digress..

The show runners know where there bread is buttered on this show and it is with MALEX fans. It even overshadows the Liz/Max shippers and Definitely over shadows Michael and Maria. Hell Vlamis and Tyler realized it pretty quickly..Vlamis made a sold out Merch line because of it. And they are the captains of this ship because they see the potential of how big it can be. Hell even the CW pr team figured it out! Thats why in the trailer we saw Malex and no Miluca?? Its not rocket science to figure this out!

So why now are the showrunners literally shitting on the LGBTQ+ community by taking away the only couple that represent that population on that show?? Then placating the community with "ooh Alex gets a new love interest" and the obscure and downright awkward " oh someone who Identified as straight in the beginning of the season will not be at the end". What a FUCKING FARCE! Like really?? As a community are we that desperate or obtuse?? Did nobody roll there eyes at this bullshit? Or am I the only one? We have a perfectly "cosmic" gay ship in front of us! Yes with baggage..no denying that..but thats the drama of TV I get it.

The reason is because the showrunners have no plans to make Malex anymore. There I said it and I SAW IT FIRSTHAND! In 2x01 Michael told Alex straight up they "were done" it was pretty cut and dry and lasted all of 2 mins...good to know Malex fans get two mins of heartbreak..that should tell you something. While Michael and Maria had 3 scenes..maybe more together. Granted they were not together at the end of 2x01 but According to Heather they will be trying to " ignite the spark between them" for the entire season. And that they're love is " exciting and blah blah blah".. No one gives a shit. Least of all me. But you can clearly see thats where its headed.

Also in season 1 there were some big hints too that I myself overlooked but they were glaring but subtle like the Max/Cam love scene intertwined with the Michael/Alex scene and the song playing in the background..that was telling... You dont see Max and Cam together. Or 1x12 prison scene " Cant love me" playing in the background and the words Michael spit at Alex..I dont think they were complete lies. Michael felt them on some lvl. And Alex's own words " Sometimes the world ends with a wimper, Guerin".. Those were all meant for Malex shippers as well.

And what about this "see if we can " be friends" or " we didn't even know each other" bullshit! I hate those lines..Like really?? Michael moved back to Roswell when he was 11..which meant that they went to school and living in a small town grew up together. At least for 7 or so yrs. They must have knew each other just for the simple fact of the Liz/Max dynamic..I grew up in many a small town i know this dynamic well. EVERYONE LITERALLY KNOWS EVERYONE! Maybe they didn't really hook up till the end of senior year. But they knew each other and I can almost bet that Alex admired Michael's protectiveness and Michael admired Alex's strength. And they also must have known about each others abusive pasts to a point..logic dictates that. And relationships have been built and survived on less.And if the showrunners wanted to make them " friends" for a time I could even tolerate it..tolerate being the operative word.

But no Michael's gonna "light the spark" with Maria..because in reality thats what the showrunners want. They dont give a shit about Malex working through their shit like logic adults would. And that's fine It just frustrates me that I was sold a lie..and every Malex shipper was too. Wake up fellow shippers and see it too. Or dont..Lies are comfortable like a warm blanket on a cold night. Everyone has some delusion they cling to..much like hope.

My last frustration with the ending of this ship will be that it is laid solely at Alex's feet. "He kept walking away", " He abandoned Michael for 10 yrs", "He left him behind", "I love him, I probably always will..but hes tied to all these horrible memories in my life. All the things his family did to mine. Coming back to him always feels like a crash landing" or the newest and deepest when Alex was giving him the file from Caulfield " Manes men did this to her".. Its always going to be Alex's fault. I wonder if Tyler knew the full extent of the way Alex was gonna be shit on. I dont think Tyler being openly queer himself would be ok with that kind of representation of the Gay community. Its pretty jarring... Honestly I can almost guarantee they probably " promised" him a more normal gay relationship with this new " character" Forrest. Whatever the case may be its still bullshit. Michael seems to hold no responsibility to it.

And Michael will still get the girl and be in his hetero relationship with Maria..because Im asking the question..is he really bi? Evidence in the show doesn't specifically back that up. The only man we see him with is Alex..I havent heard or seen him with other men. Even Michael himself said "Its just him..screws me up".. So maybe "Pan" is a better description?

So RIP Malex! It was good while it lasted.."cosmic" even..but the showrunners killed you off before you even got the opportunity to take flight! ( This is a rant about the showrunners and writers for the fake promise of Malex. I seriously have no issue with Maria or the actress per se...and if the showrunners wanted M/M they should have just started in Season 1 with them).