#i havent been posting as much but dont worry! i still struggle to accept being loved <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[petruchio]

all my journal entries lately are like "i love my friends and i'm having a lot of fun in my life but for some reason the fact that my friends like me is genuinely confusing and im pretty sure im secretly failing at life. like i don't understand why my friends keep asking me to hang out with them and i'm overwhelmed when they do. also every time something goes well for me i expect someone to jump out and tell me that i'm actually a stupid idiot and im going to ruin my own life. btw im so normal!! also im kinda tired :)"

[estrophore]

Signalis Post (barely coherent thought vomit)

So I finished signalis on Monday and i think ive just about recovered enough for me to make a gush post about it on tumblr dot com, which i think i have to do cause i dont think any other game has really hit me as hard as this one. Spoilers obvs.

Being pre-transion, with that associated depression and closing off from oneself, ive always found it difficult to get out my feelings, even in private with just myself, and yet signalis has filled me throughout with its beautiful romantic melancholy and left me genuinely sobbing for the gay robot and her space girlfriend (almost worried that if id played this game on estrogen it might actually have just killed me on the spot). the only other times i can think of where i really cried were playing We Know The Devil near the beginning of the year, which really fkin hit the part of me that struggles to accept myself, and that time i rewatched the last episode of she-ra after reading the ‘Word War Etheria’ fanfic, which brings the characters so much more to life i fell for them all over again.

Signalis is a game that calls back to a lot of classic horror like resident evil and silent hill, which i havent got round to playing any of yet, but i think nostalgia works both ways sometimes and i’ll be playing them sooner now. sometimes horror gets stereotyped as all death and violence, some games fill themselves with skulls and corpses, and big ugly monsters and basically shout ‘DEATH!’ in your face repeatedly and it all just comes off as a bit garish and ridiculous and not actually very scary really. Signalis sits at the other end of that scale (with some of my other fav horror games like soma, cry of fear) where its environs are most usually just… quiet. Still. Muffled. Sad. just as often as theres tension or creeping fear because of this i find theres a strange kind of comfort too. Maybe its just that in most other genres of games theres so much of music, UI elements, pickups and interactibles with vibrant design. Here, theres room for your mind to just occupy the space. A soft fog. A dimly lit room. An empty train. Snow out a window. Liminal spaces that dont expect anything from you.

Signalis is a game thats just simply, unapologetically gay, and i dont think i would have been quite so invested in Elster and Ariane’s relationship if they were a straight couple. Its why representation is important, if art’s way for us to explore our emotions then its important to have media that we can relate to. Even Adler’s role isnt typically masculine. Our replika characters are manufactured, designed for certain roles in the base. Notes from the tough Stars and Storchs in the shooting range, the dollish Eules with the fairy lights and music player in the dorm. I couldnt help but think of groups of Eules sat around chatting, together, and im yearning for that feeling of togetherness, of understanding a friend that closely. I somehow missed the couple in the mineshaft (next playthough, ill find you v_v ). Despite the harshness of life in the Eusan nation (especially for the gestalts) the characters in it are defined by their feelings of belonging and hope. With the obvious parallels to east germany, i think of posters of cosmonauts and space travel from the time. Propaganda, sure but also made with the genuine belief in something greater. When the events of the game take this away, well, we find the last Kolibri, whod rather lose herself than lose her [ah. Im not sure theres a word here to properly describe the relationship they embody]. Its a game defined by loneliness.

We dont lie up at night scared by some corrupted android. We arent stuck with horror at the flesh everywhere, not on its own. We lie awake thinking about Elster and Ariane’s love for each other, the horror of their decline, the futility of trying to hold on forever. Its existential horror done perfectly. It shows an ending postponed and stretched far beyond its limits, and so squarely reminds you that you do, in fact, have to die one day. You’ll break down. One day you’ll say your last words to the people you love and you wont even know you have. Ariane’s final few diaries arrive with the full force of the narrative behind it, like a spear through my heart. For the record, I got the promise ending. Im still sad. It's a game about raging desperately against an unfair ending. I might think about this game for the rest of my life. I would sincerely say its an artistic masterpiece, by the sure definition of video games as art.

I like that the story leaves a lot open and abstract. I think it makes the emotional themes takes centre stage more. And i havent had nearly enough time to sift through it and come up with my own takes, we’ll need a few more playthroughs for that. And theres so much more to say that cant go in just these few paragraphs! Signalis is a game about two girls who had to run away from everything to find someone they belonged with. The universe may be cold and bleak, but you have to try, you might just find something beautiful, even if it doesnt last forever. I think if anything, we should all have the chance to find love and happiness like that, and we shouldnt have abandon a world that doesnt work for us to do it.

[singularfootglove]

Ok so anyone that follows me/ sees my posts knows about the msi situation.

To be honest I don’t even know where to start. I don’t have to tell you that what Jimmy did was wrong and disgusting etc etc, we all already know that. What I do want to say though is I feel so betrayed. I used their music for comfort and to help me cope with one of the most difficult times in my life. I learned to accept myself for who I am and not worry about what other people think of me and I cannot say how grateful I am for that, but, I cannot stand the thought of them anymore (for good reason). I feel so bad for having defended them for the past year and I really regret not listening to what people said about them and making excuses etc. I really cannot express how bad I feel. And although I feel like lately I havent been as into them as I was, I’m now realizing still how much they were part of my life and my everyday thoughts and such. What Jimmy did to that girl and probably many others is horrendous and being a minor, I cannot imagine what she went through and what it would be like if I was in her situation. It’s just so hard with msi having been my special interest and this info came out literally ON THE 1 YR ANNIVERSARY TO THE DAY of me listening to them. After everything else I’ve dealt with this year this really just adds to all the shit I have to feel like crap about. It’s not only fucking with my autism but I feel like it’s making the stuff I struggle with my (possible) bpd way worse too. From other stuff that happened this year my trust issues became so bad and this— this just ahhh make it fucking awful. I can’t trust myself anymore or my own judgement, I can’t trust the people I look up to the most or the ones that I love so dearly and hold so close to my heart. This just adds to such a huge pile of shit that didn’t need to become bigger. On top of this, thinking of his two daughters I can’t help but be legitimately worried for them and their safety/well-being. I really hope that nothing has happened to them and that they are ok and have a good safe life. I hate the adoption system but seriously these girls need to be taken to a better home. they are not safe with jimmy and chantel. Ok I’ve been going on for way too long. I’m done for now.

As for the future of this account:

I feel like my mutuals r really cool and I hope we can stay mutuals and maybe become better friends. I think I’m just going to make this account into other interests but I haven’t decided exactly what yet. Possibly MCR, kittie, or just other stuff idk. If you want to talk to me more I do tend to check Instagram more often than here so you can DM me for that (you dont even have to be a mutual necessarily lmao).

Well anyways I think that about covers everything hopefully, so I’m out for tonight.

[theultimatefanficwriter]

About Me

I just realized I never told you guys anything about myself. I wanna do that now, cause I want you guys to feel more like friends than just some strangers to me. So let's go!

My name is Kamryn! It isnt my birth name because-

I am nonbinary! I wont tell you guys what my birth gender was in case anyone isnt accepting of that and wants to misgender me. And speaking of that, if you arent accepting of trans, gay, bi, lesbian, pan etc. people, unfollow or block me right now. I dont accept that shit.

I am pansexual myself, and I have a beautiful girlfriend who I love very much.

I am 22 years old! My birthday is Feburary 16th. Which, yes, means my birthday was a few days ago. I thought of posting something about it but 1. my social anxiety prevented me from doing so in fear it made you guys think I was pressuring you guys into celebrating it and 2. my apartment lost water due to the winter storm that hit and I needed to deal with that.

I live in Louisiana, thus me mentioning the winter storm. Dont worry, it's mostly passed!

Speaking of anxiety, I have many mental health issues, including but not limited to social anxiety, bi-polar, and adhd. So if any of you are struggling with these issues, you can message me and I will try to help, though keep in mind I'm a writer, not a therapist. Also, dont be afraid to message me if you just want to talk. I love making new friends!

I've been writing since second grade. I won 3rd place in a Young Author's contest in 4th grade, which may not seem that impressive, but I'm still very proud of it.

Danganronpa isnt my only special interest. It's not even my latest! It is my strongest at the moment though. My latest special interest is My Hero Academia. My favorite characters are Tokoyami and Iida ^_^ I havent seen the whole show yet, only up to the camp arc, so please no spoilers!

My other interests include Undertale, Rise of the Guardians, The Walking Dead(video game only), Death Note, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!(The 2003 version, havent seen the other ones)

I was the outcast/unpopular kid in school. I didnt make my first real friend until high school, and even then it turned out they werent a true friend. Now, I'm surrounded by incredible and supportive people and I couldnt feel more loved.

I have two half sisters and one nonbinary half sibling! I grew up with the sibling but not the sisters.

Without going into too much detail, my sibling and I were raised by our grandparents on our mom's side. They were really great, even if we didnt get along all the time.

I have a VERY bad memory. Like, Dory levels of bad. So if you request or commission something and it takes a while, please be patient, cause it's a mix of my lack of motivation(cause I get it in bursts) and my memory being nonexistent.

I curse, like, ALL the time. Like, sailors would be ashamed, make your mother faint, wash my mouth out with soap all the time. I've tried to curb it on here, but people who know me irl will know I have no restraint when it comes to bad language.

I'm working on an original story. It's no where near completion, but if you guys wanna learn about it, let me know!

And last but not least, I have a TON of Danganronpa ocs(and also MHA ocs. Like seriously, it's a problem), but my most prominent one is my Ultimate Tattoo artist, Chino Nakano. If you guys are interested in me going more into detail on him and/or my other ocs, you can let me know about that too!

And that's it! That's everything I could think about to tell you guys about myself! I hope this helped you all feel closer to me! I love you all, and thank you for being apart of my blog! 🥰

[witchyyblues]

i want to say something that’s been on my mind for a long time. i know many people go through this too and i feel like it’s important to talk about it. like many, i’m always like “i want to advance further into my life!” whether it be my spiritual path or just life in general. because of that, i want it to be known that i’m always asking my spirit guides for help on things like that but i’m always dissapointed because they don’t magically come. i expect things in my life to happen without any effort from me, and i hope that this can help somebody who’s been avoiding accepting this like i have. i’ve had self motivation issues my whole life, i have never fully loved myself ever and those two things have completely shaped my life and stopped me from taking the next step in well.. literally anything. i have been frustrated because of this my whole life but even with that frustration and desperation i STILL have never made any effort to stop it. it’s a horrible cycle to live through and i’m at the point where i have decided to make a change. i have decided that i need to put effort. i always knew what the answer was to getting the things i want, to being in the places and situations i so desperately wish to be in. my guides know that i’ve always known, i’ve just been avoiding it, blocking it and so desperately trying to find another reason- maybe trying to find something that wasn’t such a difficult revelation to accept. but that’s how things are, and that’s how things have always been. admitting it takes a lot. but we all have the power to shape into the life we want to have. for some it may come easy, but for people like me it took me 17 years to finally want to put the first step and that’s okay! it doesn’t matter how old you are what matters is that you realize. that in itself is a first step and just acknowledging it is a HUGE accomplishment. this won’t come easy to me and i understand that. this will be hard, this will be a challenge and maybe i’ll feel like giving up again. i havent magically gained the motivation or self love just because i realized this. i will doubt myself here and there. that’s because it’s a process. i have never challenged myself or have wanted to struggle because i was scared. i’ve fallen yeah but i’ve never wanted to pick myself up. its okay to make mistakes it’s okay to mess up. we are human and that will happen. we have so much time and there’s no need to worry about mistakes. dont fear it just understand that we need that to happen in order to grow. its hard to find it in you to continue but it’s not impossible. i just wanted to document this to anyone else who has struggled with self confidence, self love, self motivation, anything! you are capable of anything you want. you can do this, and i believe in you. even just brushing your teeth is a big step towards self love. i’m proud of you and i know you will achieve what you want to happen. you are so powerful and you were put onto this earth for a reason. i wrote this to help others and yeah to help myself because this is like a little motivational post for me that i can read whenever i feel like quitting again. i encourage to write out how you feel, and what you wish to accomplish so whenever you feel like giving up, you can read it again. you can lift yourself back up. try try try again. you are strong. you are capable. all my love and support,

leila.

[thedankfaerie]

i am posting this here because i am tired of burdening my boyfriend with my feelings. this is a little nsfw. and this is my call for help. i dont know who to talk to anymore about this.

i need someone to hear what i feel

or at least, a free space to say what i feel 

im in a low place. i feel so awful about myself and my body and i hate this feeling. i hate that this time last year, i was so happy about the way i looked. i was working this awful job that had me so overworked and overtired and poorly treated that i skipped meals and slept through meals regularly... i lost so much weight from stress in just a year and was the skinniest i had ever been. mentally, i was not in a good place being exploited by my managers... but my self esteem re: my body was at a new level i never knew could exist for me.

last year, i felt powerful and confident about my body, and i expressed that through sexuality. i was fucking my ex that i still liked (i grew out of wanting him back, but he never did, and it was nice to have the upper hand). i was also fucking an old fwb that i stayed friends with, that was also recently single, so we reunited again at the perfect time. i was also seeing this one guy (now my boyfriend) so if ever i got tired of the sex i at least was able to calm down and settle down with someone who genuinely wanted to know me. of course, i ended up catching feelings for this guy, and cut off the other two to pursue something more serious (we are now dating and are moving in together next month!) anyways, it was so nice to be wanted. to feel... i guess sexy? sex is empowering. and it shouldn’t be taboo to say that as a woman, or anyone really. i dont want to give off the message that a woman’s validation is fueled by men’s desire - but hey, don’t you feel flattered when someone thinks you’re attractive? desire and lust aren’t everything... but they matter. and they have an impact on how you feel about yourself, whether or not you believe me when i say that is up to you. 

 and i hate that i would gladly put myself through the stress that i did just to feel happy about my body. before the summer ended, i finally had enough and i quit my shitty job. i was jobless for a month, but was able to enjoy the rest of the summer with my new ‘skinny’ body - last year i took my first bikini picture ... a 2 piece! i have never done that. i still think about how happy i was that summer to look and feel good about myself. 

i have struggled with self esteem issues since highschool. i always felt like i was too big. i used to follow all these blogs of pretty people and try to copy their poses to feel pretty and i used to spend hours after school trying on short dresses and clothes to stare at my body in the mirror. i used to starve myself to the point of literally wanting to faint on the daily, until finally i admitted it to one of my teachers. she respectfully asked if i wanted to speak with the school guidance counsellor, and i declined. but she encouraged me to speak up to at least a friend, so i did, and it helped, and for a long time, i was okay. after i graduated that teacher still checked up on me for a few years every now and again.

4th year university was when i realized how much i had let myself go. i was the heaviest i had ever been, it was my graduating year, i was looking for a job and was always worried about my grades. every time i was stressed or every time i needed to study i bought pad thai and bubble tea. a ritual. i didnt realize how much that had caught up to me until i saw old pictures of myself. at this point, i started my (shitty) job, straight out of graduation.

i actively avoided scales, i didn’t like looking at the number because it just made me upset. and i already felt upset looking in the mirror, i didn’t need something else to make me upset. but i did. and i was 20 pounds heavier than i was in highschool - the heaviest i had ever been.

i cried.

i didnt do much about it. i was too busy. my first job out of uni was a brand new daycare and i was head teacher of a toddler class - also i was the only staff on floor since there were not as many kids. there was nobody to train me, at all. i had to teach myself everything. i had no time. 

a little while before starting the job, i met this guy. he was so hot, but such a dick - we had a “thing” but it was so toxic. he started off interested in me, but i turned him down. his attitude changed and he started being a douche, but we became friends because we were seeing each other so often. i didn’t have a car yet. he was driving me everywhere. he lived 5 minutes away. he was the type of friend that would text me “im outside, lets go out”. we hung out as friends at first, we would have “study dates”, until we started hooking up. we acted like a thing but he denied we were ever one - but got mad at me whenever i tried to look elsewhere. but i guess in that time, it was nice to be wanted, especially by someone so attractive. 

but again, a year in that shithole job went by fast. i would stay late after work. i would come in on weekends. i was expected to not only help new kids transition, but train new partners. and given that my supers refused to support me, i watched a lot of people quit due to pressure. i had to keep retraining. and kids kept coming. that never stopped. i can honestly say my class wasn’t settled until december, and i started in september. everyday it was ‘its fine, it will get better’. 

a year in that shithole, with 0 support, and i lost all the weight i gained - and more. i was the skinniest i had ever been. even in highschool. i looked at old pictures of myself from when i started the job at my heaviest. i couldnt believe that was me. and i was so happy looking at myself in the mirror. for once! 

after i quit that job, i started another job that i hoped would be a happy ending.

and it wasn’t. it stressed me out just as much. i also moved out by this point, a month after i started this job. my hours are whack. 7-9, 11:30-6. i woke up early and got home late. i never had free time. my last shift at my old job was 7-3:30 and i had the whole day to myself. im someone that needs social interaction and alone time, and by the time i got home i was so tired, i would just cook, clean, shower, and go to bed. and that was my life. sometimes i would get so tired that i couldn’t cook, i just went and ate out. i tried to make personal time with my friends after work but by the time i reached their house, it was late, and places were closed. and id have to leave early anyways because i had work early the next day... so fast food was the only way to make this work. on top of this, this was the most difficult class that i had ever had. the kids behaviours’ were so difficult and i couldn’t handle it. i would cry in my car 3x a week. i would cry 4 minutes before my shift starts in the washroom and walk out and pretend i was okay. i would have my boyfriend come over as much as i could just so i could cry in his arms. i couldnt leave this job because i had just moved out and having a consistent rent payment was a huge responsibility for me. as well, if you know anything about ECEs in canada, just know we make shit pay. but this job pays me better than most ECE jobs... by a landslide. AND gives me benefits, which is so hard to find. i am still at this job - i was at my breaking point at the time covid started, so i was rejoicing when we closed for covid. i havent worked since march, but i needed that time off so desperately. 

with that being said, i gained the weight back.

not everything, but i definitely could tell i was packing on some pounds.

cue covid.

i havent worked since march. i fell back into a lazy routine of ordering fast food. lying in bed. resting. just enjoying NOT dealing with my difficult class. 

but i gained it all back. and i think im back at my heaviest weight. i picked up all my summer clothes from last year from my moms... half of them dont fit me. my favourite pair of shorts won’t close. i just sat and cried in a mess of clothes on my floor in front of the mirror. this was last week.

im trying to tell myself, ‘you’re in the middle of a global pandemic, go easy on yourself’... but do you know what it’s like to finally get what you’re chasing, and have it be taken away from you? i finally had a taste of what it was like to look AND feel good about myself. something ive wanted since i was a teenager...and it’s gone. it’s my fault and i accept that, so please don’t tell me i did this to myself. i know i did. but i can still be upset about it. i look in the mirror and i try to suck my stomach in and pretend nothing changed but its not the same. i see old pictures of myself, especially that bikini pic. ironically, i captioned it “i will never have the confidence to take a bikini pic again”... and here we are. i look at the clothes i wore last year and remember how fucking good i felt wearing them. i try putting them back on and seeing my stomach bulging and my arms looking fat and my love handles, something i didn’t see last year. and i just take them off and opt to wear something frumpier that doesnt hug my figure.

i try to tell people about how i feel but i cant take those ‘love yourself and all your flaws’ campaigns seriously. i dont think i can listen to another ‘you have to just keep faking it until you make it and if u just tell urself ur beautiful u will feel beautiful!’

because if you’re me, you know you cant kid yourself. if you’re me you can’t ‘love every flaw’. you fixate on them. and you let them define you. and if youre me, flaws are all you see.

i hate myself for getting back to this point. 

i have a very supportive boyfriend that knows about all this, who is trying to actively get me to go on runs with him. we are trying to go for walks more and be out and about. he reminds me of little things, like if we are getting bubbletea he will suggest i go with less sugar. he is trying, we are trying. and i appreciate him so much.

today i complained in my car about this to my boyfriend, again. for the millionth time. and he still was supportive. but i just feel like i cant keep doing this to him. he said something today, which i think was him trying to give me a reality check to show me that i cant just wish i could starve myself and overwork myself to lose weight and call it a day... but it stung. he said “i don’t want to be with someone that’s not healthy. i have standards too” and i realized then he deserves so much better than to fucking babysit my complaining ass. i am 24. and i shouldnt be putting this on him. he is an adult with problems just as real as mine and i shouldnt be burdening him with this anymore. 

im scared to talk to him about how that comment made me feel, because he’s so right, and he has every right to leave me. i would honestly. the amount that i worry and fixate on all my flaws and complain and have crying breakdowns about this is not fucking normal. and it shouldnt be his problem. i just want him to be with someone that doesnt give him this baggage. he met me in my ‘prime’ days when i just started getting my skinny body last year. when we finally started dating, we were super sexually active. and i mean, having sex like 15 times a week. im not kidding. now we havent had sex in almost an entire month. i dont feel sexy anymore and its impacting my sex drive.. he tries to start it with me and i just can’t because i feel like he is probably repulsed by my body. this is a huge huge huge problem, seeing as sex was a huge part of our relationship (we are very emotionally in tune with one another, but sex was a great addon because we both love it so much). i hate the way i look without clothes on. i cant bring myself to do it because it makes me feel like shit about myself.

but we are moving in together next month. and that is a huge step. and i am worried that i will never change, and he’s going to feel like he’s stuck with me because he’s moving 40 minutes away from his hometown to live with me. i almost want us to break up so he can be with someone with less baggage but i also love him and i want to be better for him and for us. 

someone please help me. 

[pettrichore]

this is legit just a vent post

so the meat of this shit will be under the cut bc i doubt anyone really wants to read this shit but i just need to like say it and yeah

anyway so my life has been kinda going shitty as of late. I mean who hasn’t had a shitty time as of late. obviously some people more than others are struggling and like i acknowledge the fact that i dont have it the worst etc etc but like. damn cant someone just vent. 

anywayyy so im not even gunna like get into everything of what has been going on bc.. yeah no i’m just not gunna put that out there. but essentially i went through a breakup and it’s really hard on me but im still in contact with my ex. and p much we’d LIKE things to work out but also there’s just.. a LOT happening. me talking to him is nice mainly because i have like zero fucking friends and no one to talk to (and i mean anyway i cant hang out w anyone at this point now either but i digress) and so it’s really just some friends occasionally ?? and him and i’m going to lose my mind if i dont have a consistent person to talk to. he has to figure out his shit and there’s... just a LOT going on in his life and some things that COULD happen like worse case could just be my breaking point where i just HAVE to dip. really i dont want to though. it’s just.. complicated and frustrating. shit has been going FINE like it’s not bad. but occasionally there will be things he says that hurts me and like shit gets resolved or whatever but he kinda keeps mentioning how it would probably be better for me if i just... dont communicate with him. which on one hand i see his point with that but also on another like... it’s not gunna stop me from being hurt if shit does go south. like ig i’ve had more time to process it or whatever but like.. what ?? like a week?? yeah that might help but also like.. not really??? idk. i dont see the point on dropping someone if i dont have to. even if we dont end up together in the end i dont wanna just.. give up. mamma didn’t raise no quitter. 

idk there are just so many moving parts to this and i’m worried for his mental health and mine as well. idk what is the best decision in the end. i don’t have future vision. i cant tell what path is the best to go down. idk what will lead to the least amount of pain. 

part of me does want to just leave. to take this as a life lesson and hope it was one for him too and hope he has a good life and leave but like.. i legit wanted to marry him. he wanted to marry me too. like we still love each other. and yeah it hurts to think that maybe shit wont work out but also i don’t want to burn my bridges before i get to them. i dont want to lose a connection to someone who has been an important part of my life for nearly a year now. neither of us are perfect. this whole thing has led to a lot of issues and pain but i have hope that things wont be miserable. i know sometimes you have to let go of people from your life even if doing so hurts you then but.. idk. i know i dont need someone to be whole. im my own person. i can live life without a boyfriend. does that mean that my life wasn’t so fucking amazing with him? nah. it was so fucking amazing and i miss that but i know i dont necessarily need him or anyone to be a whole person. but he made my life more exciting. 

there’s just so much to this that i havent mentioned or forgot to cover but yeah idk. idk what to do. i do know that i need some mental help. that he does too. that things arent good right now but that doesnt mean that they cant get better. i also know i need some fucking legit friends. ppl to talk to on the regular. i wish i had ppl to hang out with but even if i did i know i couldnt do that lol. yeah idk. there’s more shit happening in my life that doesnt help. it also doesnt help that im a major overthinker and also a very emotional person. i just hope and pray shit will get better and soon. i want answers to things so decisions can be made. will i be staying still or will i dip. it also hurts to have the person you love try to push you away a bit. i know it’s for my sake and also for him because it’s so incredibly hard for him to see me hurt but yeah idk. i hope this will be something we can look back on in our relationship and see how it in the end strengthened us rather than brought us down or tore us apart. 

there were things that were done that still hurt and that i still dont agree with or like but i have accepted things and don’t feel any bitterness towards him for. i know things will never be the same but i hope they will be different in a good way. i have faith and hope that things will go good. like he is taking care of himself and focusing on his health and needs i need to do the same. at times i feel bad for feeling selfish things but honestly i deserve something good. i deserve a lot in life and i hope that i can get it. i want to get it in a good and healthy mutual way. i want to give a lot too. my heart hurts of course but i still feel so much love and some of that hurt is just because i care so much. 

anyway this went on longer than expected. if you read this then wow. tbh i dont intend this to be read it’s just like... i needed to speak this out there. i needed to say it to someone or to something. to get it to the world. if someone reads it then that’s cool. hmu if you want. if no one reads this then im perfectly fine. 

[thedistantstorm]

Phoenix Protocol 03

A Zavala x Female Guardian work.

Summary: When the Traveler’s Light was returned to the Guardians after the defeat of the Cabal, it did not manifest itself the same in everyone. Miyu, an Awoken Warlock, finds herself struggling with her abilities, her Light feeling different and not her own. With her Vanguard preoccupied with grief and all eyes turned to the Reef, she finds herself turning to an unlikely source in an attempt to rediscover her connection to the Light and define what it means for her as a Dawnblade.

Previously

A voice bellows her name, puncturing her concentration in such a way that it feels like coming up for air. “Miyu!”

She knows that voice, she realizes. It’s the Commander.

When the realization fully processes and she realizes she doesn't know how long he's been watching, her head rockets up, the rift and solar fire dissipate immediately. Her hands fall to her sides, covered thankfully by her sleeves. She can feel the tingling prickle of numbness that indicates she’s burned herself severely, despite the rift. She sighs and straightens from her throwing stance.

Zavala jumps down from the spectating balcony dressed in a cotton training tunic and lacking most of his armor, with the exception of his mark. It flaps quietly as he lands on the ground in the arena, knees easily accepting the impact of the fall. He runs toward her, concern evident in the brightness of his eyes and set of his jaw.

“What were you doing?” He stands before her now. “I heard a scream.”

“Oh,” The Warlock sighs. “Sorry, Commander. Something hurt more than I thought it would. I didn’t mean to-” She looks down at his sweat-soaked training gear in surprise. She had expected to be the only one here, today of all days. “-disturb you from your drills?”

The Vanguard Commander nods and she notices his slightly heavier breathing.  “It’s fine. You are unharmed?”

“I’m fine,” She agrees.

Ghost hangs nearby, his optic narrowing on her in concern. Zavala looks up at him in turn, and the small being hovers backward, clearly caught. “You are not,” The Vanguard says quietly, “Are you?” His scrutiny is unbearable.

She moves to tuck her arms behind her back, to mimic the pose he usually takes, when he looks over the City from his post in the Tower. If she can get them behind her back, he -

Zavala grabs her left forearm with his right hand. Miyu hisses. His brows raise, eyes narrowing as he turns her palm over and peels back the sleeve of her robe. He gasps. Blistered, bubbling skin, pink and red and black, weeping and angry meets the light of day.

“How did-”

She snatches her arm from his grasp, ignoring the watering of her eyes. “I’m very sorry for interrupting you,” She repeats quietly. “My Ghost will heal me. It’s fine.” She turns her back to him, looks to her partner, and takes several steps before breaking into a run. It’s clear she does not want Zavala to follow her.

The Commander does anyway, taking measured, calm steps, her Ghost at his side, looking fretful. “Miyu is having difficulty with her Light, I’m sure you’ve noticed,” The little Light explains. “After the war… it - we didn’t,” He doesn’t know how to explain it and finally sighs. “It’s different now.”

The duo finds the Warlock braced over one of the sinks in the empty locker room, robe discarded carelessly on the ground, using her right hand - the less burned one - to splash water on her face. Being so pale in complexion, the redness of her eyes and cheeks immediately drew attention to the chaotic swirling of white aura beneath her normally equally light skin.

“Miyu,” Both Titan and Ghost say, before looking at each other in curious surprise. Zavala blinks, but lets her Ghost take the floor.

Ghost speaks. “Miyu, let me heal you,” He calls gently. “That has to hurt.” She cradles the damaged arm against her chest, her undershirt already soaked with sweat and water turning pink with plasma and blood on contact. Her eyes dart to him, and he turns to the Commander. “Give us a moment,” The Ghost implores. “Please.”

Zavala nods and retreats back into the hallway.

Pale light casts a shadow of his hulking form against the stone floor when her Ghost shucks his shell and swathes her in the glow. The Commander hears the combined sigh of Ghost and Guardian, and a quiet metallic gargle when the Ghost speaks to her. “It’s okay,” He’s telling her. Zavala feels a touch rude for listening in, though there’s no way for him to tune them out in the echoing, empty halls. “He’s worried, not mad. Just… talk to him, okay? Maybe he can help.”

Ghost transmats her soiled training robe away for a softer one. Her skin stayed sensitive afterward, sometimes - the Light not healing it all, not really, and he was always mindful of her needs. She held her hand out for him to rest when she exits the locker room, and Ghost drops to her hand - accepting an affectionate nudge of her fingers against his cones - before disappearing in a shower of sparks.

“Your Ghost cares about you a great deal,” Zavala says, echoing previous words. He does not make eye contact, like she’s expecting. She’s not sure if she’s grateful or feels like she’s being treated like a caged animal. “He said you have been experiencing difficulties with your Light, since the War.”

She nods her agreement, looking sheepish. “Both of those things are true.”

This time, he does meet her pale gaze. “Have you talked to Ikora about it? Certainly she’d be willing to help you.”

Miyu looks away, and shrugs. “I’ll do that,” She says, but his eyes don’t leave her face, staying trained on it - reading it - despite the fact that she’s looking at the ground.

“You have, haven’t you,” He intones, gently. “You’ve talked to her about this.”

The sideways pull of her lips in a disapproving frown is a giveaway. “Maybe once or twice,” She admits. Certainly more than that, but she’s not in the business of putting down her Vanguard.

“Does she not listen?”

“She doesn’t understand,” Miyu finally says, a bit more abruptly than she’d planned to. “She doesn’t understand how my Light can be so different from what it was before. I don’t think I’m supposed to use it in the way the Dawnblades do. Not anymore.” A peek up at his face reveals pensive concern, not condemnation. It spurs her onward. “She believes pushing me into the worst situations possible will help me to reconnect. But-”

“That is a terrible idea,” Zavala says, mostly to himself. He looks up at her in surprise, as if he can’t believe he’s said it out loud, but then admits, “While the Light may very well react if you feel threatened, if it does not, the cost…” He trails off, looks back at her, contemplative. The conflicted look on her face tells him that she’s thought of that, as well.

Miyu leans back against the wall, crossing her arms. “How does a Titan - a Sentinel,” She specifies, asking, “Call upon their Ward of Dawn?”

His brows furrow. “Not that I mind,” He holds out both hands as if demonstrating that her question is not unwelcome, “But what does this have to do with our conversation?”

The Awoken Warlock steps past him, looks down the hall to the empty training arena. “I believe that my Light might be better served in a more defensive manner. That perhaps my rift might hold the key.”

Rubbing a hand against his chin, Zavala thinks it over. “Your research,” He recalls. “You are trying to unlock a different type of ability.”

She nods, a little twinge of a smile here and gone when she faces him again. He understood her immediately, and yet Ikora… she didn’t seem to understand despite Miyu’s attempts at being transparent. “I think I might be able to use my Light, specifically, maybe to not hurt myself, or at least let it last longer, if I try something different. Something with a focus on healing. Protecting.” She reaches up for her ashen black hair, combs her fingers through some of the tangles. “After all, isn’t that our purpose? To protect? If I want to reconnect to my Light, I think that might be the way to do it.”

He still gives her Vanguard the benefit of the doubt, saying, “Certainly Ikora would be interested in-”

Miyu shakes her head and Zavala stops short. “Maybe it will change, but…” She shrugs. “She wants me in the Reef. Up until today, I think she wanted me to help find Uldren.” Zavala doesn’t react to the name, though Miyu watches him carefully. “I don’t want anything to do with that.”

“What do you want?” Zavala asks her. Not judgmental. Neutral. Perhaps curious, just a little.

“I want to feel like me again. I want to prevent what happened - what the Cabal did,” Her fists clench. “I don’t ever want it to happen to us, ever again.” She sighs. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to unload on you. I know Ghost said you’d hear me out, but this - it isn’t your problem.”

“No,” He agrees. “But perhaps I can help. I’ll show you how my power manifests, and let you determine if the Ward of Dawn could assist you in your search for answers. However, we cannot do it now. My schedule is-”

The apology stumbles from her lips as she realizes how much of his valuable time she’s taken. He was trying to train, too. “Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t-”

“Stop apologizing, Miyu. It is not your fault I am the Vanguard Commander.” This time, his lips do almost make it to what would be considered a smile, and his tone is nearly teasing. “I lead the Titans in drills most mornings, before dawn, in the training facilities here. You’re welcome to come spectate, if it will help. The schedule should be posted.”

She bows, pressing her hands together. “Thank you,” She chimes. “I appreciate it.”

“I hope you find what you are looking for,” He replies, and his hand finds his way to her shoulder, a gentle squeeze. An affirmation that someone beyond her Ghost might actually care. It makes her flush. “I cannot imagine…”

“It’s difficult,” Miyu admits, voice quiet. “I don’t know if it was because I was in the middle of casting Dawnblade when the Traveler was captured and the Light was ripped from us,” The words are a whisper that she’s not shared with anyone besides Ghost, who was there. “But it feels like it’s all there, you know?” He doesn’t, she knows, but he doesn’t interrupt. She sees the uncomfortable shift in his stance, knows that from his perspective she’s describing something horrific he never hopes to experience. “I can feel the Light there, to be called upon. It just… won’t come out all the way.” She shrugs. “Anyway,” She transitions, not paying attention to the brilliant eyes that soften as they listen to her resolve, “There has to be a reason. I’ll figure it out and persevere. That’s what we do.”

-/

That evening, when she finishes up her late patrols and checks in, Kadi, the postmaster, has a message for her. The frame produces two books, old ones. Tucked within the cover of the first one is a small note, written on thick ivory paper with neat handwriting.

She doesn’t need to know his handwriting to know it’s from him, the two symbols denoting her name in its proper, original form tipping her off. Pre-Collapse Japanese, he’d said, when he learned her name. It brings a smile to her lips. He seemed like the kind of man who would know about languages, how to read and write them. She found herself curious as to what he’d write her, after their encounter earlier in the afternoon.

--

実優

Perhaps these texts would prove useful. I am not sure how the translation would be made between the Void and Solar energies as they are very different, but it might be worth a read.

I will be focusing on training my new Sentinels in two days’ time, at the place and time we discussed. Afterward, I anticipate being free long enough to answer your questions, should you have any.

-Zavala

--

Ghost looked down at the paper, then back up at her face and the pleasant surprise he sees there. “See,” He says, “What did I tell you, Yu-mi? He might be able to help. At the very least, he wants to.”

Miyu smiles. “Yes,” She agrees, cradling the books to her chest and letting Ghost rest atop them as they head home for the night. “You never steer me wrong.”

[the-marvel-imagines-blog]

Madness | Chpt. 6

Requests are Open

Chapter Title: “Collateral Damage”

Pairing: Loki x Original Female Character

Word Count: 4,786

Warnings: hurt/no comfort, Angry!Eva, violence, Angry!Loki

Name Pronunciations: Hjalmar: “He-all-mar” | Aaldir: “All-deer” | Ephinea: “Eh-fin-ee-uh”

A/N: I want to take a moment to apologize for my absence. I’ve had some health problems recently, and within the last couple of weeks, I’ve lost entire days thanks to said problems. I’m finally feeling well enough again to post, but during my time being sick, I’ve managed to come up with quite a bit of content. Thank you so much for reading and enjoying what I’m writing. Even if not every chapter is you cup of tea, it means a lot to see that people are leaving likes, messaging me, reblogging, etc.! Please note that I have taken and will be taking a lot of creative liberties pertaining to these characters. This will be shown in excess during the upcoming chapters, so I just wanted to give a bit of a warning. There are some timeline changes, character changes, etc. Once again, thank you so much for reading. I love you all <3

Tagged: @teddyboobear @alledeglyfunny (anyone who wants to be tagged can message me and ask. It’s not a problem at all)

“Looks like you lost,” I dictated as I dragged him down the stairs to the dungeons. My entire body felt like it was on fire, but it didn’t stop the shiver from running down my spine at the thought of what he was capable of. Ezra showed us something none of us could’ve expected. He was skilled in ways that we were unprepared for, ways I didn’t even know could exist. I still trembled at the thought of my slain comrades-members of Odin’s kingsguard-rising and fighting against us. The more people of ours Ezra killed, the more people he had fighting for him. The battle was unfair and horrific, but we still won even after members of the kingsguard forced Odin away from the situation. Ezra had surrendered after we had gotten him onto his knees. My sword had been pressed against his throat, and all I needed to do was give it one swift motion to kill him. I couldn’t, though.

There was something that kept me from killing him, but I had no idea what it was. Maybe it was the familiarity in those green eyes or the endless knowledge he seemed to have about me. Still, my decision to keep him alive could be useful in the future of Asgard. He was another enemy who would be a prisoner in the dungeons, a man we could retrieve information from. He snickered at me, “you may have won, but what did it cost you?” he asked, glancing down at the wound on my abdomen.

I ignored his comment, feeling the pain radiating from the wound. During the battle, he had taken a swing at Ephinea, a blow I did my best to protect her from. I had pushed her back and tried to put as much distance between him and I as possible, but it wasn’t enough. My sword blocked his axe, and while I struggled to disarm him, I was unaware of the dagger he pulled out until he buried it in my abdomen. The dagger cut right through my training armor-which had not been suitable for battle-and pierced into my flesh. I had not yet seen it, but a piece of me was convinced it was nothing while the rational part of myself was sure it was something much more than I was prepared to deal with. If I could still walk, I was fine.

Behind Ezra and I were the remaining members of the kingsguard who did not sustain significant injuries as well along with Ephinea, Sif, and the warriors three. Thor had taken to the throne room with his father to discuss what would come next. Everyone in the dungeons was silent when they saw the crowd of warriors that it took to secure the newest prisoner. They watched us in a stunned silence, including Loki. I avoided all eye contact with the God of Mischief, still hurt by his actions an entire week ago. While I wished for an empty cell anywhere else in the dungeons, the only free one was directly across from Loki’s, which would undoubtedly cause me to worry much more than I should have. The cells were practically impenetrable, and even if Ezra managed to break free of his cell, there would be no real reason for him to go after Loki.

As we stood in front of his cell, he turned to face me as I spoke, “this is gonna be your new home. I don’t know where you came from or what you knew before this, but you won’t be going back there anytime soon. You said you haven’t seen a sunrise for more than 300 years?” I asked, and he nodded his head, a grin forming on his lips in anticipation for what I was about to say, “well, be prepared to wait another 300 because you aren’t getting out of here for a long time,” I growled, glaring up at him and his apathetic expression. It was as if he had no remorse at all for the lives he had taken, like the entire battle before this meant nothing to him. His reaction was sickening.

He cocked one of his thick eyebrows, “you have a fire within you that you try to ignore, pet, but you can’t hide it from me,” he replied before lunging forward and attacking my lips with his. It shocked me at first, but I leaned into it after a moment, realizing that I could use it to my advantage. Everyone around us who was there to ensure his safe transportation to his cell was left in shock, but they always knew that I had a plan. My lips molded together with his thick ones, and while I was disgusted to be kissing the man who just killed so many of my people, I knew that this was going to work out in my favor. While Ezra was distracted by the kiss, I eased one of my daggers from its sheath at my side and reached behind him before sinking it into his lower back.

He sucked in a sharp breath, disconnecting our lips. His face distorted in pain, and his chest rumbled as I pulled the dagger from his body, twisting it in the process. Once it was out, I dropped it on the ground behind him and reached into the small pouch on my belt to pull out one of the tracking devices I always carried with me. In one swift motion, I shoved two of my fingers into the wound to deposit the tracking device as deeply as possible. He grunted and twisted to break free of my grasp, but I would not release him. I released the tracking device once I was sure it was embedded deep enough that he could not feel it and dig it out on his own. When I finally removed my fingers, I rested my hand against his wound and focused all of my energy on transferring it over to myself. That was the one downfall of my healing power. I was unable to heal someone without transferring their wounds onto myself. While he was not worthy of my help, I couldn’t leave the wound open for fear that he would just pull the device out. Now, it he wanted to take it out, he would have to cut himself open and dig for it.

As the wound transferred to myself, I gritted my teeth, but nothing could compare to the wound on my abdomen. It was like if one had been stabbed by Surtur himself, a scraped knee could never compare to it, so the pain was far more tolerable. Once I finished healing his wound, I glared up at him, “you’re going to have a lot of time to think while you’re down here, and that’s all you get to do. If you move, I’ll know about it. If you speak, I’ll know about it. If you have any thoughts about breaking out of your cell, I will know about it. I didn’t kill you today because I believe in second chances. If you fail to cooperate or if you become a threat to anyone I know or love, I will not hesitate to kill you,” I growled at him.

He nodded his head, “my execution would be against the Allfather’s wishes. It’s a beautiful sentiment-it truly is-but...tell me, pet, how will you protect the two people you love most when one is here and one is on Midgard?” he asked, referencing her once more.

My eyes widened, and he smirked at the look of dread that was clear on my face. I saw my reflection in his eyes and saw a girl who had everything to lose, someone who had lost so much already. As my protective instincts kicked in, I grew furious that he even put their safety in question. I pulled my fist back and landed a hard punch against his cheek. When his head snapped to the side to accommodate the blow, I swiped his feet out from under him to bring him down to the ground. As he caught himself on his knees, I pulled out my other dagger and pressed it against his throat with one hand while I grabbed a fistful of his hair with the other. I squatted down to be at his level, “say it again,” I growled.

He smirked, “and what if I did? What if I threatened them again?” he asked, challenging me, “would you kill me, an unarmed man on his knees? Would you take my life the same way your enemies took your friends life on Vanaheim? You and I both know that you don’t have what it takes,” he hissed, bringing up Hjalmar. My chest tightened, “the only way to save the ones you love so dearly is to accept your destiny, to accept what you’re truly meant to be.”

I narrowed my eyes at him, “and what is that?”

“A god,” he answered with a smile as he leaned into my blade against his throat, “just like me.”

I shook my head, my entire body trembling as anger and rage built up in my chest, “I am nothing like you,” I growled, furious that he would even try to compare the two of us. He fought and killed so many of my people and raised them back to be monsters. What was it for? I only fought when it needed to be done. I didn’t seek out confrontation. I fought, and even killed, the few who put the lives of the many at stake, and it always sat with me. The eyes of my victims never left my mind, for I was aware that I had taken someone’s loved one away from them. Ezra showed in the short time I knew him that he was nothing like that. He killed without remorse, and I saw no conflict in his eyes once it was over. We were nothing alike.

He chuckled, “that’s where you’re wrong, pet. You and I are more alike than you know, and that’s how I know, without the shadow of a doubt, that you’ll lose both of them in time,” he said, and my heart felt like it would fall through the floor. How did he know all of my deepest and darkest fears? That was always the one thing that scared me the most: losing the ones I loved. Of course, it was the fear of so many people, but he was able to pull up the two people I cared for more than anything else and use their safety against me, “it’s in your nature. You’ll always lose,” he added.

My chest rose and fell as I struggled to find air. It felt like his threats were taking the air from my lungs, and I felt like I would suffocate. I saw how big a threat he was, but we managed to bring him down together. I didn’t want to imagine what Cul’s entire army could do. Everything had been thrown at us so quickly, as we had no knowledge of who Cul was or that Odin even had an older brother at all. Everything that happened that day just made me feel uncertain of everything. Still, I couldn’t show Ezra that, “and what about you? You’re the man who kneels before me with my dagger against his throat. You lost,” I hissed.

“You’ll need me soon enough,” he remarked, gesturing down to the stab wound on my abdomen that throbbed with a pain I never experienced before. The wound hurt badly enough that it felt like I would be sick from the pain. I had been stabbed before, and the wounds never felt quite like that. Perhaps, it had just been too long, and I forgot the sensation. I shook the thoughts from my mind and focused on him once more as he continued, “and the moment you come to me, begging for my help, is the moment when you’ll finally realize that you are the one who has lost,” he sneered, his eyes cutting right through me. It was like he could see every weakness and insecurity I had.

“If you or anyone else tries hurt the people I care for, you won’t be able to find shelter from the storm I unleash. You don’t want to make me an enemy,” I threatened him.

He shook his head as if he was disappointed in me, and I furrowed my eyebrows. When his eyes finally met mine once more, he snickered to himself, “you speak like a warrior, but there is no true weight in your words. I know-as well as you do-that you would never pose a threat to the one thing you believe in more than anything else: Life. That’s why I know you won’t kill me. I’m not afraid of you,” he stated, nonchalantly as he leaned into the blade, hard enough to draw blood.

I stood up, sheathing my dagger, before pulling him up onto his feet. He stood much taller than me, but I didn’t feel small in that moment. Even though I was insecure about what would come next, I couldn’t show my fears to the man who was threatening the lives of the people I loved. I needed to be strong, or he would take advantage of my weaknesses. I grabbed a fistfull of his hair and pulled his head down to mine, maintaining eye contact the entire time, “you aren’t afraid of me,” I hissed before leaning in to his ear, “but you should be,” I whispered the line I had been told only once before. It had shaken me to the very core when it was said to me, but I felt powerful now that I was on the other end. My voice was low enough so that only he could hear me, and once I finished, I pulled away from him and shoved him into his cell. Ephinea activated the cell wall before he was even able to regain his balance. I couldn’t help the smile as I watched him struggle to not fall onto his face, but the sharp pain in my abdomen cut that short.

Not wanting to waste anymore time on him, I turned to face the members of the Kingsguard. They were some of the most well-trained warriors Asgard had to offer, so much so that they were trusted with protecting the Allfather himself. The kingsguard lined the halls of the palace at all times of the day and night, and they stood guard over the dungeons as well. I picked up my blood-covered dagger that I had dropped on the floor moments prior and lowered it back into its sheath. I pointed over at Ezra but stayed focused on the warriors before me, “I want two guards posted outside his cell every second of every day. I never want him left unsupervised, and if he is, you’re going to wish that you experienced the Allfather’s wrath instead of mine,” I threatened, feeling my unchecked fury rising further and further in my chest. I surprised myself at the harsh tone of my voice, but I didn’t change it, “if he shows any signs of agitation, I want to know about it. If he takes one step out of line, I want to know about it. If he breathes offbeat, I want to know about it. I want every detail of his existence to be monitored while he’s down here. I want nothing to go unnoticed. If he speaks out of line, I want to know what he said and when he said it. Do you understand?”

I saw the startled expression on every face of the men before me. I had always been known for my calm and collected nature, and the only time I ever broke away from that was when I was in battle. Even then, I had never been so ruthless, especially never with them. They all nodded in agreement to my orders, but one of the guards stepped forward, his eyes just as confused as the rest, “I mean you no offense when I ask this, but...what would you do about it, my lady?”

As I brushed past all of them, needing to take my place with Thor and Odin to discuss our next moves, I answered his question, “I’ll kill him.”

Before I could make it very far at all, Ezra yelled after me, “good luck, pet. I take pity on you for what is about to come,” he shouted, that booming voice echoing throughout the silent dungeons. It was as if every prisoner stood completely still as I walked by-all but one. As I walked past Loki’s cell, I stared straight ahead, refusing to even look his way, still hurt by what transpired between us a week prior. It broke my heart to ignore him that way, but I had to focus on the safety of the Nine Realms. A piece of it was also to protect him. If there was a chance I could convince Ezra that I no longer cared for Loki, that Loki wasn’t a weakness of mine that he could exploit, I was going to take it. It was the best way to protect Loki at that point.

As I walked past his cell, he banged on the wall, yelling my name and trying to attract my attention, but I still didn’t give in. I blinked away the tears in my eyes, my heart shattering as I had to look the other way once more. I did that before, and I couldn’t believe I was doing it again. I was still hurt and angry at him for what he said when I visited him that night, but I could never stay mad at him for too long, not over trivial things like that. Even as I ascended the stairs, I could still hear his pained voice calling my name. My ears began ringing, and the world around me seemed unsteady. When I reached the last few stairs, the wound on my abdomen sent a piercing pain through my entire body, and I jolted forward to accommodate the sudden and intense pain. If Loki had seen me fall as I had in that moment, he would’ve laughed at me before falling down with me, not wanting me to feel isolation and embarrassment. I coughed, and the fleeting thoughts of my love were pushed to the side as I tasted the blood in my mouth. I swallowed it back just as the guards ran over to me to help me up, just like Loki would have done.

*Loki’s POV*

I felt the immeasurable pain that she was experiencing, and I couldn’t help but feel like there was something seriously wrong. That was one of the things that never stopped for me, no matter how deep my madness became. She was still there, an untouched and untainted beauty among the raging wildfire that was my mind. I could always feel her pain, her suffering, her joy, and her love. I could feel every emotion and every ounce of physical pain, which Thanos used to his advantage. While it killed me inside to know that she was hurting, it let me know that she was still alive, wherever she was. This sensation was something new, though. I could barely stand due to the pain in my abdomen. Even when she had transferred his wound onto herself, it couldn’t hold a candle to the pain I began experiencing no long before.

Everyone began filing out of the dungeons aside from the two guards Eva demanded always stand watch over the new prisoner. I had never seen Eva deal with anyone quite like that, but he must’ve made her feel something otherworldly to pull out that side of her. Watching it was exhilarating in a way that I never would’ve expected. I could feel the anger and pain coursing through her veins every moment she stood before him, but I could also feel her conflict. When he mentioned two people-one here and one on Midgard-I found myself trying to piece together who it could be. Perhaps he was speaking about Aaldir or Thor. I was certain she cared little for me after what I did the last time we saw each other. The unnamed person on Earth was what I tried to piece together first, though. Was it Tony Stark? I noticed that the two of them had quite the connection when I was around them on Midgard. What if it was the Soldier? The two of them shared similar beliefs, and he had protected her from near death quite a few times.

When another piercing pain erupted in my abdomen, I gritted my teeth and grunted, reaching for the tender spot. As I tried to breathe through the pain, I heard his laughter from the cell diagonal to mine, “you must be Loki!” he smiled, amused at my pain. I knew that madness well, well enough to know that it was not all his own. Someone had taken advantage of a weakness and used it against him. A small part of me felt empathy for him, but I couldn’t help but think of how he must’ve hurt Eva. As I glared up at him, he cocked his head to the side, “I’ve heard a lot about you. I’m a pretty big fan because of what you did on Midgard-you know, attempting to kill everyone who wouldn’t blindly follow your rule. I have to say that it was a bold move for the unloved son of a false king,” he barked before taking a deep breath and calming his nerves, “I’m Ezra Culson, the new bane of Eva’s existence. You’ve been replaced.”

“What did you do to her?” I yelled, anxious to know what had transpired to bring about a pain like this. Before Ezra pointed out the wound on her abdomen, it was barely noticeable, especially since she showed little signs of discomfort while she was in the dungeons. Still, shortly before she came down to the dungeons, I had felt the intense pain, and I knew she had been stabbed. This sensation, however, was so different than before. When we were on Midgard, I...she had been stabbed. That was nothing like this. I grunted as I stood up straight, trying to ignore the burning sensation.

Ezra shook his head, a hint of guilt in his eyes that didn’t seem completely genuine, “I didn’t come here to fight-not today, anyway-but when Odin refused to my terms and your brother refused my offer to take Eva off your hands, I had no choice. She got in the way,” he said, nonchalantly as he shrugged it off like it was nothing. Even the guards outside of his cell were disturbed. Everyone in Asgard knew Eva, and everyone knew that she was the embodiment of all that was good and light in this world. Ezra acted as if his action of attacking her was nothing serious, like attacking her wasn’t like he was attacking the very fabric of life itself. During my stunned silence, he continued to speak, “let’s just say that you’re not the only one who has it out for Odin.”

“I couldn’t care less about him. You hurt her!” I snapped, slamming my fist against the cell wall and startling the guards and the other prisoners within the dungeons. Ezra would have a hard time in the dungeons because no matter how much the other prisoners hated Odin and Asgard, they could not bring themselves to even speak unkindly of Eva. The longer the prisoners stayed in the dungeons, the more they grew accustomed to her singing, and because Eva showed the planet so much love and kindness, everyone who resided here could feel her energy coursing through them. Her connection to the world and life was incredible. As my chest tightened, I glared at him, “you hurt her, and I’m going to kill you for that,” I growled in a low voice.

He shrugged it off again, “collateral damage,” he remarked, “it’s nothing that can’t be undone. When she gives in and leaves with me, which she will, I’ll heal her, and we’ll be on our way.”

“She’s not going anywhere with you!” I yelled once more, realizing that he was doing exactly what he wanted to do, and I was allowing it to happen. He was crawling right under my skin, and I couldn’t stop it. It was like Thanos all over again. Ezra just knew my weakness, and he was going to exploit it. He would try to break me, but I wouldn’t lose Eva again, and that was what kept me from falling back into the comfort of my own darkness.

He chuckled, “I have a better claim to her even as an outsider, or did you forget?” he asked, and my eyes widened as it felt like my chest would completely cave in. He couldn’t have been referencing that moment, but it wouldn’t surprise me with all that he knew about Eva and myself. A part of me wished to know where he acquired this information, but the part that took hold of me in that moment was still the nervous and insecure man I was before I fell from the Bifrost, before I pushed Eva out of my life, before I realized that I would never truly be my father’s son. I could still remember Odin’s words as if our conversation was happening that very moment:

“A girl who could pass as a princess even without a prince would be better suited for Thor, and I will not entertain these childish games any longer!”

It was the first moment in my life that I felt utterly hopeless. All that I had done up until that moment seemed like it was in vain. I had loved Eva, and she loved me. When she forced me to relive that memory in the dream, I couldn’t help but associate it with the conversation that followed with my father. He had been the one to pull me from our beautiful moment, our last beautiful moment. Our conversation was meant to open the doors for millions of other beautiful moments, but he slammed those doors in my face, telling me that I would never be worthy enough for Eva, that she was being saved for Thor. It was the beginning of my downfall, and she was the one who was hurt most from it.

While my chest heaved, I imagined ripping his tongue from his throat. I imagined slitting his throat open while he spoke of how Eva was nothing more than “collateral damage.” I imagined his blood on my hands as I tore him apart for what he did to her and for what he tried to do to me. I knew that all he had to do was exploit my weakness, and he would be able to turn me against her. Something in me was broken, and he wanted to toy around with it, “speak one more word, and you’ll wish for death when you see what I do to you,” I threatened, narrowing my eyes at him and realizing just how familiar they looked, like I had seen them a thousand times before. Green...like the color of spring.

He chuckled, sitting on the floor and tucking his legs under himself. It seemed as if he would let my comment roll off his back, but that was the opposite of what he did. Instead, he brought up the one thing I cared about more than anything else. Eva. He grinned, madness in his eyes, “threaten me again, and you’ll wish for death when you see what I do to her.”

Without warning, my mind felt like it was being torn apart, like the broken edges were being chipped away at. As I fell to the floor in a massive pain radiating from the ghost wound on my abdomen and the sudden and intense pain in my own mind, I gritted my teeth and groaned loudly. I could remember her eyes that day, the day I hurt her more than I could ever forgive myself for. I had expected her to look at me like I was a monster, like I was her enemy. However, she didn’t. She spoke my name with fear in her eyes and sorrow in her voice. It was my first moment of clarity in so long, but it was also my greatest moment of weakness and tragedy because I hurt the one thing I wished to protect: my friend, my princess, my love.

My Eva.

[lyriumrain]

it feels kinda surreal to talk about this but like. dream daddy has...kinda forced me to look at myself and my identity and honestly playing through the various routes (only completed 2 so far) has been making me feel...weird. Uncomfortable? maybe? not in a bad way or anything...but i’ve thinking about some stuff to do with body image and how i see myself and how i identify. lots of text under the read more, but if anyone can understand my gibberish and want to comment, feel free.

a few years ago I was looking at various people on the internet who were talking about being trans, what it felt like and stuff and i related to a lot of the points they made and i thought maybe i was trans? Im naturally quite laid back when it comes to identity, at least i thought i was. because i didnt really think about it beyond that. until I started talking with and reading posts by non-binary/genderfluid people and suddenly that felt closer to what I feel, their experiences kinda filled in the blanks...so to speak. and again i didnt really think about it too much

and im kind of still trying to figure why it was that i didnt want think about my identity. so i started putting together facts, things i definitely knew about myself:

i am comfortable being referred to as she/he or they. i like being called he, the few times i’ve been talking to someone online and they’ve assumed i’m male and i havent corrected them because it felt...nice? right? im not sure

sometimes i want to present as feminine, sometimes masculine and sometimes i dont want to be either (this confused the heck out of me)

i hated, absolutely loathed my breasts (this sentiment is why i initially thought i was trans)

fast forward to now when I got dream daddy and suddenly i’m having to think about my identity again. because, i don’t know about everyone else, but i personally always put a bit of myself into every video game character i make.. its why in RPGs that let you choose gender i’ll always play a girl, because i’ve identified as a girl for at least 20+ years of my life and never saw any appeal in the male protagonists.

but then DD gives the option of making a dad that’s trans and...honestly it’s been really hard, emotionally speaking, seeing the avatar i made be in loving relationships with characters that love you and accept you, not matter whether you’re gay or bi or poly or trans, etc. 

which is where I come back to why, in years previous, i havent wanted to think about my own identity. it’s something i’m already aware of but had never connected to my identity troubles: I hate my body.  I have E-cup breasts that I find absolutely grotesque to look at and they’re nothing but a pain to deal with, sometimes literally. on top of that i’m fat, something I’ve struggled with since I was a kid. and my face ranges from ugly to average, depending on my mood and the angle i look at myself from. 

Why is this pertinent? because for as long as i remember i’ve only ever seen “androgynous” or non-binary people presented as being slim (or toned at least), conventionally attractive and young. being on tumblr has obviously exposed me to a lot different people that identity as non-binary that dont fit in those categories...but i never applied it myself? whenever I looked at myself i thought, you’re not attractive, you’re not slim, therefore you can’t be non-binary. 

so here i was, excited to play dream daddy because I’d heard it’s funny and sweet and i’m starved for a good dating sim. and i start, i make a character that’d based on an OC i have but he’s also what I’d want to look like if i could completely reconstruct myself (apart from the fact that he’s asian of course, that’s solely a part of his character. im not one of those white people that wants to be a different race cause they think it’s ‘cool’...but i digress. just thought i’d mention that in case people get the wrong idea).

anyway. i pick the ‘slim’ option, because I want to be lanky and toned, always have. and i see the binder/trans option. and i think to myself...well if i’m making him an ideal version of myself i’d be trans, right? so i pick the binder option and move on, give him blue eyes, white hair and the navy suit cause why the fuck not, he looks badass. But as I’m playing?? i’m projecting more and more of myself onto this avatar until i’m starting to feel like i am this character, and that’s not normally uncommon for me, i project a lot (for various reasons i wont get into). but im finding myself getting...not quite upset per se...but I’m definitely feeling uncomfortable. I want a flat chest, really badly, but i don’t get gender/body dysphoria about having a vagina. So at this stage i probably am making myself upset because...I’m just really confused and uncomfortable with my body.

i’ve heard trans people talk about being comfortable with the body they’re in and that they aren’t going to get surgery to change themselves but again...it was never something i thought about in relation to myself? and i’m only just coming to the realisation that I can want a flat chest but also be comfortable with what my crotch consists of. if that makes sense.

like, you know those flowery posts that go around saying shit like “trans men/women are men/women regardless of what their parts are!” with smiley faces and blooming flowers? well i’ve seen those in the past and thought ‘yeah that’s true’ and then scrolled past them without thinking ‘hey loser that includes YOU. YOU can want to change things but be content with others AND still identify as non-binary’. AMong other things of course but as I said at the beginning, i’m still working this out. 

but i didn’t start thinking any of this before working it out with the character i’d made. i’d started giving this character the same worries i have regarding body image and intimacy with others. I ended up romancing craig with this character because i felt like he’d already know about my characters struggles and identity and he’d be...totally cool with it, it’s just another aspect of my character that makes them them. (i’ve since made a new character that’s more like the real me and honestly its so strange (good strange) to see the dad version of me being shown love and care? but that’s for another time)

 I’ve never really felt a part of the lgbt+ community, i’ve always distanced myself from it, told myself it’s not my place. but this experience has...helped me start thinking about myself differently. 

im not saying that dream daddy is a life changing dating sim but like.... it kind of is? just this small amount of representation has nudged me back into the process of figuring myself out, where i belong, who i am. and i think that’s incredible. i love how the developers have formed this game to not only be funny, and silly, and ridiculous, but also serious and heart warming. it’s not a perfect game, but for me it’s been a great experience. Dare I say...an absolute... dream to play? 

[freerebelmentality]

The night she went away

AN: Finally posting this fic up, no work today and decided to get something posted.

Triggers: Well depression is the only one, nothing else. I believe so anyway

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Word Count: 1,505

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You sit in the back yard smoking a cigarette, the afternoon is slightly cool. Your cup of coffee is sitting right in front of you and begin to think that the day is looming closer.

The faster the days went by is when you begin to drift yourself from the people you care about and most of all. You begin to drift away from the one person you love the most.

Herman has always been the number one person to talk to when it comes to feeling low but lately you havent had the courage to do so. When you would gather enough courage to tell him is when you immediately change your mind.

“Hey, there you are” Herman says coming out side and seats himself across from you.

“There is still coffee left” you tell him while taking a sip from yours.

Your coffee got cold but that was ok, you didnt mind drinking cold coffee. Knowing there is a pot waiting inside the house then it didnt matter.

“Are you ok?” he asks in hopes you would tell him, he’s getting the feeling that there is something wrong with you

“Yeah, Im fine” you reply with a fake smile

Herman knew that something is wrong with you but he didnt push any further because he knows you will come to him with whatever is bothering you.

“Im going to get ready for work” you say as you get up from the chair and enter the house

You placed your cup by the sink and head up the stairs to shower. You werent going to work, you called your boss and told him you needed a mental health day. Well more like a week and he understood and gave you the days off.

“You want me to drop you off at work?” Herman asks as he leans against the door frame

“Thanks but Im going to drive myself. You better head to the auto shop before Gemma thinks you skipped out on her” you tell him as you walk out of the room and give him a peck to the cheek

You left the house in scrubs, the uniform that you always wore for work at the walk in clinic and working as nurse was always a privilege. Now felt like a burden weighing you down.

After your best friend passing away a couple of years ago, you accepted the fact she is gone and in a far more better place and isnt in pain anymore. Well you thought you accepted but now everything is coming all at once. All the emotions, pain and the feeling of being lost has set in.

The both of you had plans after high school, she was going to be a successful lawyer while you were going to be a photographer and move to New York. The both of you were going to share an apartment while looking for jobs. She was going to be a successful lawyer while you were going to be this struggling artist.

Life has taken a turn, your best friend became very sick and took her away from you. Her family, friends and from the world really. It was unfair for her to be taken away like that, so young, so determined and very brave. You miss her.

You were working at the hospital in Tacoma when they brought her in, you, other nurses and doctor tried everything to save her. Her illness has taken over her body and passed on. You got angry at yourself, your co workers, the doctors, the paramedics and most of all. You got mad at the world and God.

You knew she would have gotten along great with Herman but wouldnt like the idea of him being in a motorcycle club. Eventually she would have done anything to help when the time came. She would have been great.

Herman enters the shop and begins to work right away. Gemma notices something is wrong with him, well she can feel it. She kept a close eye on him throughout the day.

“I need someone to do a pick up” Gemma says coming out of her office and into the garage

“I can do it” Herman says looking up from the car he is working on

“No, I need you here” Gemma looks to him

“I’ll do it” Tig says while getting the keys from Gemma

Herman didnt understand why Gemma is keeping him at the garage when usually she allows him to do pick ups all the time.

“Kozik, I need to talk to ya. Come in my office” Gemma says and turns back into her office. She sits at her desk and waits for him

Herman places the tools he has in his hands and sets them down. The other mechanic told him he would finish off the job for him or continue. He nods and walks to her office. Once he sees her sitting at her desk is when he sat at the couch.

“Whats wrong with you sweet heart? I know something is wrong, I can feel it and dont give me that Im fine and nothing is wrong crap” she says while lighting up a cigarette.

He sat there fiddling with his hands, contemplating either tell her about you or not. But he needed to let some of the stuff out or else he was just going to snap.

“My old lady has been distant lately, usually she would tell me what is wrong but all she says is shes fine and I know there is something else” he finishes and looks away from his hands. He looks out the window then looks to Gemma

“Is she acting weird, anxious to get you out of the house or anything?” she asks in case there is something going on.

Herman sees Jax leave the parking lot.

“No, nothing like that. At times she gets up extremely early and sits out on the patio for hours. Or she doesnt even wake up at all and doesnt eat. Much” Herman says in a hushed tone along with a tinge of worry as he looks to Gemma

“Has she been like this before?” she asks while trying to understand what is going on with the both of you

“Shes had her moments but nothing like this” he replies while feeling completely helpless

“All I can say is just be there for her when she does come around. She is going to need ya” she says while looking to Herman. She has a good idea about what is going on with you but didnt know the circumstance, from her experience.

Herman walks out of her office and back into the garage to continue working. Work is always something to keep himself distracted, well for the time being anyway.

Tara drives to the walk in clinic where you work, she has patients to follow up on and as soon as she walked in. Tara didnt see you in sight, she knew that it wasnt your day off and wondered if things at home were alright.

“Is it y/n’s day off today?” Tara asks the nurse sitting at the nurses station

“She took a few days off and should be back next week” she says and gets up to walk away from Tara.

“Oh, well I will just speak to her then” Tara says while looking to the nurse and walking away

She felt as though something was going on or just going on between you and Herman. She got into her car and drove to the auto shop to see if Jax is there. She wanted to tell him you werent at work and maybe could get something out of Kozik.

Tara sees Kozik in the garage working on a car and she looks to the bikes to see if Jax is there. Lucky enough, he is. She walks into the club house and sees him sitting at the bar. He sits with Bobby and Chibs as they smoke cigarettes talking.

“Hey” Jax says as he gets up from the stool and kisses Tara on the cheek

“Hey” she says as she returns the same gesture and kisses him on the cheek “I went by the walk in clinic to see y/n but she wasnt there”

“Its probably her day off” he says while looking to her

“Thats what I thought too. The one nurse says she is taking a few days off and will be back next week” she replies while beginning to feel worried.

Bobby and Chibs dont mean to eavesdrop but they couldnt help it and they begin to wonder why you would take days off so suddenly.

“The nurse didnt say why she did?” he asks worrying for his wives friend

“No and usually they would say something” she replies and looks at the door

Herman walks into the club house looking worried as well and Tara begins to wonder if he has anything to do with it. Tara nods her to him as he passes.

[my-darling-sunflower]

this is all so crazy.. the fear is there, the acceptance is there, the restlessness is there. i cant figure out what to feel or how to cope, i guess the “mom” energy is more prevalent right now. i dont exactly care about this whole situation for me and my situation but i worry about my family, my friends, my sisters. it makes you realize just how fragile and short life can be. i feel like i’m torn, i cant tell if ive accepted my death after so many years of being on the edge or if ive just lost my sense of self completely. ive gotten back into manga, anime, games, art. all things i distanced myself from for a while to try and figure out who i was. i tried being girly and dresses and feminine, i tried long hair, short hair, i tried overly sexual and complete monogamy, indie, country, folk, soul, all over. i still dont know where i fall. i just want to know who i am. i have no idea where i sit, its hard finding my identity. especially after my whole life has been determined by other people, be it parents, spouses, or even my mental health distorting who i was. i have things i love, but i always question it. do i love it or have i just spent years being told i love it? or, even worse, do i dislike it deep down but have spent so long trying to justify it because i wanted to try something out and had to fight tooth and nail to express myself in any way. i loved purple as a kid, my mother llikes purple, and all my sisters do too, but because my family takes no time to get to know me they think i only like black. my aunt gets bags, mugs, cups, blankets the whole nine with my sisters and moms names on them every year. ive been excluded from this for years because they refuse to believe i like anything but black. its a horrible feeling. theyve never wanted to see me. my home. my life. they dont care. no one wants to know me and im still struggling to figure out who i am but that doesnt excuse the lack of effort from those around me. but i also feel like i am not entitled to their love or care. they complain that i dont make the effort to check on them, or go visit, but on the flip side, my grandparents on my moms side have my number, they have never called me to checkup on me, to see if im even alive. why is it on me to make that effort? they can watch my sisters anytime my mom asks, they practically raise my cousin, and my other cousin lived with them almost her whole life. i dont understand how they can do all that for them but i have never once received a “hey how are you doing? we miss you” idk. i just need a space to vent and thats what this is right? a space for me to express the feelings i cant tell anyone else because theyre too far up their own ass to even begin to understand anyone elses problems. anyway. i did a crazy work out today, actually pretty proud of myself. my roommate watched me for the first time and was amazed at what i could do even tho i work out every day and i was happy that i could out last him even tho he likes to think hes stronger than me i have much stronger endurance. i havent been sleeping. i can count the good nights of sleep on one hand with fingers to spare. its been tough. lots of intrusive thoughts, lots of fear and anxiety. i really want help. i want to stop feeling like this i want to feel peace and calm for once in my life and that feels like it may never even happen. i have thoughts of the guy i always post about. he was here yesterday, the more he comes over the more i see just how human he is, its reassuring because even though i am flawed and i have my issues he still texts me and comes over and he always asks me if im doing okay before we do anything and after he asks me if im okay and if im good, no man in my life has ever cared enough and thats how i now hes a good person but it breaks my heart because he is good man who i cant have. hes not mine and i know he never will be but im thankful for him. i think about all the little things that make me smile. i was once having the biggest panic attack and he came over, held me, and distracted me from the world, that isnt his place im not his responsibility and i feel weird saying this but i am sad that his ex wife left him when their child was born, and i dont know the circumstances of their life back then but damn he would be an amazing father. he is safe. i cant have it, and i tear up thinking about it. i want that, i want a man i trust wholeheartedly. he makes me feel attractive, sexier than ive ever been. beyond that i literally cant help but smile around him, i feel aware of everything around him, his smell is intoxicating, truly the first man ive ever looked at and i cant find a single flaw, i would listen to him talk forever, sitting on my counter in a lace top and panties talking to him leaned against the wall and hes casually eyeing me, makes a comment about how i must be easy to shop for. thinking back i crave his eyes on me. he likes the things i hate, ive found acceptance in a way i have never known. my insecurities, my physical flaws, my ugly faces, ugly sounds, they become my strongest assets because he likes them, i can wrap him around my finger and the man who never looses his cool is melting under me. but on the same note he can ruin me, he makes me feel content like ive never known, i crave the touch, the passion, the last look he takes before walking out my back door, the hop skip and a jump i do through my kitchen after locking the door. he leaves me laughing every time, god i could talk about him forever. i fucking hate it, i hate that i cant have it. i cant have a man like that. fine. i tap out, ive ranted a whole novel and i know itll just devolve into sad thoughts and trauma that should be unpacked with a therapist, not written on a platform for me to look back on and regret. maybe one day i can write about my progress, how im getting better, how sex is a healthy thing, how im in a stable relationship that will last the rest of my life, how i can trust, how i can look at a strong man and not cry at the thought of not having a father figure in my life. maybe one day...

[yeoldontknow]

Hi Kat, I was wondering if you have advice for writers who are too scared to publish their work online. I have many snippets and stories that I've written but never posted. I love the idea of having a tumblr or blog where I could share my writing, but I'm constantly struggling with imposter syndrome, feelings of not being good enough, and fears of being criticized by others. Thank you very much!

hi anon

please keep in mind that these are the things that helped me - wayyyy back over a decade ago when i first started writing fanfic and posting it online. what worked for me might not work for you, but as someone who also suffers from imposter syndrome in nearly every facet of my life, this is what helped and continues to help.

the important thing to focus on is that desire to share. the very fact that youve come here and said ‘i want to do this but im scared’ leads me to believe that your want to have a blog where you can share writing is already outweighing the fear of reception. and the most important thing you could do is not lose sight of that desire. you cannot control how people will respond to your writing, and i know that at first its very scary. the very extension of wanting to share is wanting to have a conversation around your work - not to receive endless criticism. so while you cannot control the response, you can control your reaction to the response. 

this also brings up a very important discourse - the line between helpful and unhelpful criticism. criticism is not something to fear, lovely. it helps us grow. to be wrong or to receive criticism is a moment of humility and change, and it evolves with us. when criticism is helpful, it allows us to see room for improvement, for growth. we can advance through the criticism, especially when its offered by a friend or someone we trust. i often recommend new writers show their work to friends they trust to get a third party opinion - someone with a face before they offer it to strangers whose comments we fear the most. helpful feedback and criticism is what allows our writing to flourish - and because you mention imposter syndrome, i imagine youre already very critical of your own work. that criticism is what makes you edit and edit again, wanting it to be the best you can create. thats important. unhelpful criticism, on the other hand, is something every single writer on this platform has experienced and survived. while most of the comments ive seen on fics throughout my years have been wonderfully positive, there are still some that will hurt.

and thats a very important thing we as creators and artists must always accept - not everyone will love your work and you will, at some point, get hurt. but you will also survive. 

and i can assure you, almost every writer i have met experiences imposter syndrome at some point. as a reader, we see the final product, the fic that makes us feel something, that entertained us, that brought us joy. and we see the response the writer receives, the comments and the asks, and we think ‘wow, it must be easy for them.’ but honestly, it isnt. we dont get to see the weeks, the months, the hours, maybe even the years it took to write that story or that chapter. the worry of ‘is this good enough’ ‘is this right’ ‘am i still putting out the same quality this story deserves.’ i can speak from experience that the overwhelming response for hero ALWAYS makes my next chapter harder to write because i dont want to let anyone down. the fear of disappointing the readership is real and very often makes me feel like im not good enough for the story anymore. we fill this way because we are human and more than anything, this is is what we must remember:

a story cannot be better than us because it is ours. we created it. we found it in our minds. we gave birth to it. so by extension its a part of us. not everyone will love it, but no one else will have this unique idea or be able to tell this story the way you can. your perspective changes the trope, the character, the feelings. the sea of authorship is never full, because there is still room for your voice. and if you are scared of posting online, hold onto the feeling that made you reach out to ask for help. you asked because you want it. and the want will always outweigh the fear

i hope this encourages you anon! the community IS majority positive and friendly, and im sure if you want to write it someone is wanting to read it.

[oovitus]

Weekend Reading, 6.24.18

A friend of mine told me that he recently went to a conference where all of the attendees seemed to be talking about perfectionism, in spite of that fact that it wasn’t the conference theme. They were discussing it as people who had been susceptible to impossible standards in the past, but now counted themselves lucky to have let perfectionism go.

As we were talking, it occurred to me that I haven’t thought about perfectionism in a long time, though it had a hold on me for years. Even after I stopped trying to do everything “right,” perfectionism (and to some extent, being “Type A”) was a big part of my identity. I called myself a “recovering perfectionist,” which was truthful, but in retrospect I think it was also my way of continuing to identify with perfectionism and communicate it to others. I didn’t want to be subject to oppressive standards anymore, but I hadn’t yet figured out who I was without them.

In the end, perfectionism exited my life out of necessity; I untangled from it because I didn’t have a choice. Living with bouts of depression and anxiety in the last few years has meant letting go of a lot of my self-imposed notions of what constitutes productivity, success, or a day well spent.

A common experience of depression, I think, is that small, routine asks can suddenly seem insurmountable: doing laundry, cleaning up, running errands. This would have sounded unbelievable to me at one point in my life, when these kinds of to-dos were just afterthoughts, but now I know what it’s like to struggle with the everyday.

I’m thinking back to an afternoon two summers ago that illustrates this perfectly: my anxiety had been particularly bad, and I’d been paralyzed by procrastination all day. By dinnertime I was genuinely proud of myself for having gotten out of the house to pick up groceries and mail a package. This was a radically different measure of productivity than I was used to, and it didn’t matter: I was relieved to have done something, anything.

I’m in a different place now, capable of fuller days, but my perspective remains valuably altered by that experience. I don’t wake up with a fixed agenda anymore. I don’t plan on doing more than I know I can handle. If I notice that tasks remain undone everyday on my modest to-do list, I take it as a sign that I need to plan on doing less, rather than wondering why I can’t do more.

I’ve learned that my capacity for doing and my tendency to get overwhelmed ebb and flow. Sometimes they shift for reasons that I can identify, like how I’m feeling physically or whether something has made me anxious. Sometimes they change suddenly and for no apparent reason. I don’t try to bully myself out of feeling overwhelmed; rather, I ask what would make me feel calmer and more steady.

I often remind myself of a mantra that my friend Maria gave herself when her MS symptoms started keeping her from the pace and routines that had become customary: “better than before.” The origin of this mantra was an ongoing struggle to keep tidy the home she shared with her young son. As Maria’s “functional self” receded, she noticed the presence of another self, who “though less physically versatile, was stronger than I ever could have imagined from the perspective of the one who functioned’ throughout the day. She began to show me things my functional self simply missed.”

One of those things, she goes on to say,

was to be able to notice when I was completely out of energy to exert myself. This might be when something was halfway wiped, or not wiped at all, but I had somehow managed to put some things away. She would know to say that’s enough for now. And she was very clever about what would satisfy my functional self, who would never have been satisfied with that’s enough. It sobered that functional self to learn when the diagnosis of MS finally came that the “forcing” she had habituated herself to was the worst thing to do if she wanted to preserve her physical abilities.  But as the saying goes, it’s really true that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. So my deeper wiser identity came up with something even more ingenious than this looming threat:

Better Than It Was.

Or, (depending on the context): Cleaner Than It Was.

These two statements became my mottos. And they still are. They allowed me to learn to pace myself while still satisfying that Functional Self that I was making what she considered progress through the daily requirements of life, even if many of them were slowed to a crawl or a downright standstill.  Better Than It Was.

Maria’s story is uniquely her own, and my own sense of high functionality has shifted for reasons that are uniquely mine. But her clever motto has given me great comfort since I first read about it on her blog. So, too, does this quote from Melody Beattie: “Our best yesterday was good enough; our best today is plenty good too.”

The best thing about letting go of perfectionism is developing a capacity to recognize that “our best” can look very different from moment to moment. There’s no longer an immovable standard of output. I wish that I’d been able to pry my ego away from productivity and being busy on my own, rather than being forced to reckon with a dramatic shift in my capacities, but in the end, it doesn’t matter how I got here. What matters is that I’m learning to be grateful for what I can do, rather than fixating on what I haven’t, or can’t.

Throughout all of this, I’ve had the tremendous luxury of being able to adjust my schedule and responsibilities in a way that allowed me to create a dynamic “new normal.” Not every person has the space to do this, depending on his or her professional and personal circumstances. I recognize and respect the many men and women who go through periods of depression and anxiety while also keeping up with fixed schedules. And of course I worry sometimes about my DI year: now that I’m learning how to take gentle care in the moments when I need to, what will it be like to temporarily lose control of my schedule and workload?

I don’t have an answer, but to some degree I suspect that I don’t need one. My routine next year will be a challenge, but so long as I can do my best without succumbing to the influence of perfectionism, I know I’ll be OK. Much as I’ve made my schedule more realistic, letting go of perfectionism has been an inside job. It resides in recognizing how futile perfectionism is, how it discourages me needlessly while keeping me from recognizing the good that I can do, and maybe have done (another observation that’s prompted by Beattie).

Here’s to a week—and a month, and a summer, and a year—of doing my best and trusting that my best is enough. I wish the same for you, too. And here’s the weekly roundup of links.

Recipes

I would never think to put fruit in a tabbouleh, but I love Katie’s creative mixture of blueberries, parsley, mint, and quinoa—I’d actually love to try it as a savory breakfast dish!

A very different kind of quinoa salad, but no less delicious: a curried mixture with red cabbage, raisins, and pumpkin seeds from Melanie of Veggie Jam.

Two recipes for summer entertaining caught my eye this past week. The first is these show-stopping chipotle cauliflower nachos from my friend Jeanine of Love & Lemons.

Number two is this platter of green summer rolls with mango miso sauce from Anya of Lazy Cat Kitchen. The sauce alone is calling to me, but I also love all of the tender green veggies here (asparagus, zucchini, broccolini).

Finally, a summery vegan pasta salad with creamy avocado dressing—perfect timing, as pasta salad’s been on my mind lately (and I may just have a recipe coming soon!).

Reads

1. This article is about a month old, but it’s very on-topic for today’s post: why you should stop being so hard on yourself, via The New York Times.

2. Ed Yong’s new article on the threat of imminent global pandemics frightened me (and the blurb under the title didn’t help), but it’s an important topic, and I’m glad that it’s being written about. Yong notes the medical supply shortages that are becoming increasingly problematic in the US; hopefully greater awareness might somehow inspire solutions.

3. Reporting on the termination of a major NIH study of alcohol, heart attack, and stroke, which was shut down when conflicts of interest were identified. It’s an important examination of the ethics of funding and scientific research.

4. Dispatches from the Gulf of California, where the vaquita—now the world’s rarest marine mammal—is on the brink of extinction.

5. I was so full of appreciation and respect when I read my friend Karen’s latest post on numbers and body acceptance.

Like Karen, I went through a long period of asking to be blind weighed at the doctor’s office and not owning a scale. That time served a purpose, but nowadays I can be aware of the number without identifying with it, which I’m grateful for. I’ve had a bunch of doctor’s appointments in the last month, and getting weighed has been the last thing on my mind: feeling more at home in my body has been my only point of focus.

Karen opens up about her own recent experience with the scale and the annual physical, then reflects on why she’s committed to being transparent about what “balance” looks like for her. It’s great to witness her journey unfolding.

On that inspiring note, happy Sunday—and from a celebratory NYC, happy pride! I’ll be circling back this week with my first fruit-filled dessert of the summer.

xo

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[viralhottopics]

I Gave Up Added Sugar For A Month And This Is What Happened

In our monthly series, GIVING UP, newsroom staffers deprive themselves of a beloved habit and track how it went. In March, Lifestyle Editor Suzy Strutner, 26, gave up added sugar.

Suzy Strutner

You could say I was in love with sugar.

What are you giving up?Im giving up added sugar (which is not the same as naturally occurring sugar, mind you) for Lent.

What made you decide to give it up? I love sugar in a way that sometimes makes me feel like its ruling me instead of the other way around. When a habit starts invading my life like when I miss out on an hour of sleep because I needa fresh-baked midnight cookie or cant get through the day without spending $6 on frozen yogurt I know its one I need to kick. Plus, I tried to give up sugar last year and failed without realizing why, so I wanted to prove I could do it, and do my body a favor at the same time.

How did your friends and family react? People either 1) tell me theyre impressed by my efforts (I started an email newsletter with updates on how the challenge is going), 2) ask if Im STILL not eating sugar, then inquire when Ill be available for dessert dates again,or 3) tell me theyve given up sugar too! Thats my favorite reaction, for sure. Two of my friends ditched sugar last month because I was doing it, which makes me feel like a positive influence.

Suzy Strutner

Did you do any research before you started?Yes, because Ididnt do enough research last yearand wanted to make sure I gave up added sugarcorrectly this time around. My colleagues and I have written a number of articlesabout added sugar over the years, so by now I know that added sugar is never, ever a good thing for your brain or body. Thats major motivation.

Did you slip up? Not yet! Well, it depends on how technical you get. Added sugar is in all kinds of foods, from store-bought bread to mayonnaise to pasta sauce. Ive avoided buying those items for myself, but I havent stopped eating at restaurants. Im sure theres been sugar snuck into a few dishes there. Ive also been eating dried fruit and other forms of naturally occurring sugar, which I learned is not entirely acceptedin the anti-sugar community.

Suzy Strutner

Yup, that cinnamon-raisin bagel has sugar in it, too.

When did you first feel deprived? Two days in, when a giant sundae appeared on the table at my moms birthday dinner.It was tough not to deem it a special occasion and cave in.Most of the time, though, this challenge has been strangely easy. Ive found enough other treats to look forward to like nut butters, banana bites and a granola-dark-chocolate-date-coconut melange that I concoct myself to guarantee sugar-freeness which taste indulgent enough to do the trick. I cant say I havent daydreamed about deep-dish cookie pie, though.

Suzy Strutner

What snack time looks like when you’re eating added sugar.

Suzy Strutner

What snack time looks like when you’re not eating added sugar.

Any awkward social encounters?Im afraid of being a buzzkill when I dont indulge at group get-togethers.Today at lunch, my colleagues didnt order dessert because I wouldnt be sharing it with them. It was a nice sentiment, but I felt like I was holding them back from sugary fun!Another time, at Taco Tuesday with some new friends, I felt awkward passing up margaritas in favor of a tequila soda. (This is NOT a real hardship, I am aware. But still.) I was pleasantly surprised, though, when my friends noticed the move and changed their orders to sugar-free drinks, too.

Notice any changes to your mood?I still get cranky when Im craving something sweet, but my new naturally sweet treats usually do the trick. Overall, I feel like a more capable human. I tend to doubt my level of discipline, but this challenge has shown me I can do anything even deny myself of favorite sugary snacks if I decide to commit.

Changes to your body? I used to sometimes feel sick after eating too much sugar, especially if I mixed it with alcohol. Now, I dont need to worry about my heart racing from a bunch of cookie dough. However, the lack of added sugar has caused me to start indulging in other unhealthy foods like pizza and fries more often, so I cant say I look or feel more fit.

Changes to your productivity? Yes, majorly. I struggle with prioritizing activities and would often spend a night baking sugary goods or venturing off to get ice cream instead ofpracticing healthierself-care habitslike calling a friend or going to yoga. Now that I dont have to track down my sugar fix every day,I have one less chore to complete and therefore feel less guilty about how I spend my time.

Suzy Strutner

Typical after-work activity for a sugar fiend: Bake cookies with different types of sugar, and label them to see which turns out best.

Changes to your relationships? Surprisingly,yes.Posting on social media about the challenge has gotten me in touch with friends I wouldnt talk to as often otherwise.One friend, for example, read my newsletter and sent me amazing sugar-free recipe recommendations. And my former roommate, who now lives in Germany, gave up added sugar too. We text about how its going on two different continents.

Im also more present in-person: During our weekly hangouts, my sister and I used to fight the chaotic L.A.traffic for our favorite frozen yogurt. Now, we sit and drink wine. Maybe wine isnt any better than froyo, but quality time out of traffic certainly is. And at parties, I can focus more on humans because Im not beelining to the snack table. These small changes truly result in more quality conversation!

What does an expert say about doing this? Is there any benefit? Theres no question that quitting added sugar could extend your life, prevent dementia, curb anxietyanddecrease risks of anxiety and heart disease, all while making you a more vibrant personoverall. No expert everpromotes the consumption of added sugar, so eliminating it can only help your body.

Would you do it again? Yes. This is a simplification of my life and diet that Id like to continue, so Im thinking of making it a weekday habit.If not, Ill definitely be back for more next year!

Previously: Heres What Happened When I Gave Up Complaining For A Month

Read more: http://huff.to/2pmWsJl

from I Gave Up Added Sugar For A Month And This Is What Happened

[idkitshiro]

February 4, 2016 2:49 PM

It’s been so long since I’ve bothered to reopen and post my thoughts, feelings, whatever that surfaces to my mind. Alot of small changes in my mental approach but I’ve been doing alot better recently. God there’s so much I want to talk about now now that I’m started to hit these keyboard keys. Once again I’m trying no to filter my flow of mental thoughts. hehe altho my bad habit kicks in whenever i start thinking of a better more accruate, more cooler wayer of phrasing things lol This quarter I’ve decided to shake my schedule a tremendous amount. I’m taking 4 classes , 2 of which Im really interesed in volleyball and Japanese and the other is my class I failed the firs ttime Accounting, and another upper div class econ 100b.

Its been so much fun playing volleyball. On top of the class times we meet on tuesday and thursdays I practice on monday nights and play games on tuesday and wednesday nights as well. I’ve been coming up with all these smaller goals and my list just keeps growing. It feels pretty good, but sometimes it feels like im putting too much on my plate. but i think i like alot better this way. ive invested in a better microphone because ive been trying out voice overs and other friendly tournaments and i constantly think about if I could one day snag a career opportunity with it. Though my main goal is to finish up school and grab my BME degree, I am really hoping that within the time before I graduate I can find some sort of full time voice acting job. On top of this I’ve been working on this part time job 3 days a week. A small part of me feels this small sense of dread , but Im trying to adjust that work is something I have to learn how to be comfortable and get used to doing, even if its not my number one passion, it creates funds for me to go out and enjoy food and other materials that are awesome. and i have been enjoying using the money im making. I’ve been adding to my wardrobe new clothes !! it feels good to spend money that im legitamately working for, although im constantly working on how to control my spending habits. Being comfortable with using money is one trial, limiting my spending is another. ive been going to JSA weekly and getting to know the people there and its been pretty good. lol anyways, other goals and resolutions ive been focusing little by little each day is building my self - esteem and confidence in other people. ive been slowly learning how to just feel comfortable with my own body in whatever im wearing and whether people are looking at me or not. ive always been super self conscious of my looks , the sides of my body , my face , eyes , lips, hair, how i stand with my shoulders always tense, biting my lower so it does pertrude so much.  I’ve been learning to accept the way I look. Loving the body im in, not thinking or worrying about how I look when Im sitting next to the person next to me. Slowly, but steadily ive been taking to time to just love myself.  

As with my social intereactions with other people, ive been working on my smile to other people. but i kinda worry that people may take it as a flirtacious way or a smirk like im looking down at people.. i really am not. and never do i want to come off as cocky. I genuinely am trying my best to see people in a more positive light. I really want to be able to open up to people.. every so often I think about how much Ive never got to tell my main group that i hangout with , the bois, anything personal or anything at all of my negative feelings my real struggles with depression , loesliness .. generally all these thing sthat really matter to me ive probably mentioned it in many times somewhere in my collection of thoughts previously , but since then i just have always struggled to really trust in people.. i keep comin to the same corner thinking its easier to not have friends.. but at the same time I deeply long for the deep sense of connection with others.. i hate  and love people. even now i havent had a good opportunity to reveal this side with anyone.. but ive learend to adjust and move forward on my own. I really do feel a lot stronger, looking back and seeing how much i keep pushing myself, to keep falling back in love with life, finding the right peace of mind. everyday im feeling a little more happier than the day before, without having a person of interest dangling as a carrot, without having anyone listen to my problems or encouraging me, in the face of my insecurities, and other people who try to convince me that I am worthless or that my opinions are irrevelant . Everyday Im giving nothing less than my best and with that I have the greatest peace in mind, that i can feel satisfied and happy with myself. No one is better or below me and I am neither more important or less signifciant than my neighbor, and it bugs me seeing other people, a lot of guys try to make the ppl around them feel smaller than they really are declaring themselves as alpha. what they say or do is irrelevant to me as I continue to focus on myself. I never want to forget to be kind to others, I truly want to love the people around me. At the core Im still the Christian Ive dedicated my life to be since elementary , and since ive lost faith in the people of my church.. ive never really got to  reveal my faith I constantly hold in my heart. what keeps me skeptical of people is how manipulative people can be.. that people will take advtange of your friendliness, your circle of peopel you know to approach girls theyre find attracrtive. that alot of guys dont care about building a friendship or getting to know anything of whats important to me but because their main intention is that theyre thirsty for girls.. i constantly keep seeing this.. and i hate it.. its easier to trust girls because theyre not looking to take your friends but when i think more about it , as soon as they find some1 more attractive they dont care about being your friend or being close at all but rather only interested in being the most liked. agh ik im scrambling all this but geez.. anyways ive been trying to accept people as they are, not forcing my most negative thoguhts of peopel whether their true or not to people I have yet to learn and get to know. the second problem is how do i ward off the ppl I truly get to know as horrible people.. and how do I detach myself in a respectful but loving manner. I already have a bad habit of distancing myself from ppl so learning this could be prove to be even more detrimental but..hm. yea i wanna learn how accept people as who they fully are.. wahaha , im beginning with accepting who I fully am.