#i haven’t been eating or sleeping well
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so last night i had a dream about my dead fiance and i just want to slip back into it but instead i’m trudging through literal mud with dogs and making peppermint tea and pretending to hold myself together like any of this matters at all lol
#it’s been 3 years and i’m finally allowing myself to feel grief as it comes#should be in the carolinas a housewife and laughing#and i’m prepping for snow and tired and crotchety and unlovable#i haven’t been eating or sleeping well#i miss my shoulder being kissed right before they fell asleep and then i would too#the smell of their soap#i don’t even remember what it was but it was so nice#chocolatey almost#anyway#i’m just bummed it’ll buff out
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As most of you know I try my best to be civil and kind. I’m too exhausted and the world sucks too much for me to go about making other people feel like shit, it’s not really something I see worthy of my or anyone’s time really. I try to keep things positive not only because it might brighten someone else’s day but for my own sake. I curate this space because I know a lot of you feel and experience the same things I do. Do not twist this into me being delusional. I am fully aware the internet can be an unkind place, but that doesn’t mean my blog, my space, has to follow that example.
Be kind, be patient, and be respectful, not that the majority of you haven’t already been doing so. Asks are open again. Anonymous will be turned on again when I feel comfortable.
Apologies to those who used anon because they were nervous/anxious. I completely understand where you’re coming from and this is nothing against you. Regardless I do hope you stick around, and maybe one day work up the courage to be open with me. Or continue to keep your distance, I completely understand that too.
#I feel like#as my following grows sometimes people forget I am indeed a real person#I see that happen a lot with a lot of creators#people end up feeling like they can be disrespectful and unkind just because they can’t see me#but I’m here#I don’t know how much more open I have to be for people to realize I am a person with feelings too#we all are#so maybe just#take a few breathes and relax#I may not say it often but this is a safe space#I’m not gonna bite you or anything#anyone who knows me personally knows just how patient I can be or how I can give kindness beyond what one may deserve#anyway I hope people have a good day/night#high chance I’m just passing out again after posting this because I haven’t been sleeping well again#eat your favorite thing/something yummy for me would you?#I miss sweets and milk
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I start at my new uni next week and I’m so fucking scared bc I have to start everything all at ground zero again. new campus, new people, completely new degree-
im excited, don’t get me wrong, but shit like im so nervous
#dawg like I haven’t been eating or sleeping well#im anxious like 24/7 these last few months#im relieved that I could leave my previous uni and move but RAAHHHHHHHH#and like they only told me a few days ago that I was accepted LMAO#so it’s like a rush rn getting everything in order#I just hope my time at this new uni will be better than the last cuz shit 💀💀#kaitaiga’s thoughts
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#I think I might genuinely be on the verge of a mental breakdown#prompted by nothing so literally wtf???#maybe it’s because I haven’t like…expressed in a while#I think I might just need an actual break#I’m just feeling…sad? today and idk why#like literally nothing is going on except I haven’t been sleeping well#not sure why that is either#I’m trying to make more of an effort to go out and do things even if it’s by myself#taking my meds and vitamins again and trying to eat better#I just feel sad and restless like I need to be doing something or going somewhere#idk it’s weird#Liz speaks#Liz’s personal tag
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something has got to give i can’t keep living like this. im exhausted
#sunspeak#i haven’t been sleeping lately i’ve been eating on a weird schedule i don’t feel well. everything is off
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well, i’m alive, it’s been a while and i’ve missed you ALL <33
#work has been incredibly hard on me#got treated HORRIBLY and never had time for myself#haven’t had the time to do anything when it comes to my hobbies#sleep work shower eat and repeat for 8/9 weeks straight lmao#truly missed you all and i hope you’re doing well#thank you to everyone who messaged me and said so mnay kind things#it’s good to see i was quote on quote wanted here 🥲#OH! and i quit literally this morning! love that for me
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Oh no I’m sorry you’re not feeling well!! Hoping you recover quickly ❤️
AAAAA TY 🥺
Doing a bit better today, I’m still super exhausted tho and I know I probably need to eat more but I have like. No appetite. But me not eating is probably the reason why I still feel like hot garbage lol
I’ve already taken two days off of work so I’ll have to go back tomorrow;; not sure if I will survive the whole day tbh. All I’ve done the past two days is scroll through social media and sleep. That’s literally it gjdnfn
#I actually really want a Subway sandwich rn but I definitely don’t feel well enough to leave the house and get one#Besides I’m p sure dairy is not good for me rn anyway;;#But I’m also soooo tired of just eating toast and applesauce#We don’t really have anything else that’s easy on the stomach here hfjdnjd#I do need to get up and look for something to eat tho. Sigh#Shima answers questions#Anyway ty 😭 These past two days have sucked ass I haven’t been this sick in a long time#Hopefully with more sleep I’ll feel like more of a human being tomorrow lmao
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okay I severely misjudged spaghetti guy he’s actually just really cool
#okay so I came to this flat and he wasn’t here. greeted by a very dirty flat with shit all over the kitchen counters over cling film#I meet first my other flatmate who told me he stays in his room constantly bc of previous bad flatmates#has literally just a saucepan and some salt in the kitchen. so I’m like okay spaghetti guy potentially not great but could just be#how this guy is yknow#on Tuesday I get an email back saying he’s coming back from Norway tonight looking forward to seeing you feel free to use the kitchen sauces#rlly friendly message that I wasn’t expecting. I also didn’t know he’d been on a trip i just knew he wasn’t there bc his door was open#(to a REALLY nice room. multiple rlly nice plants (which he has little care labels for!!!) and it’s tidy and pretty#and he’s got a sheep teddy on the bed)#meanwhile I am in my own head bc I don’t wanna cook in the kitchen until I can clean it and I can’t clean it without moving his shit and#I haven’t seen him yet to talk abt it and I can’t bring myself to talk to him immediately bc I’m dying#and embarrassed as hell by how I’ve been cooking in my room with a microwave and air fryer (loud) and sneaking my shit out of the kitchen#but then yesterday I DO talk to him!! and he’s super friendly!! actually interested in having a conversation and Good at it.#and then he’s cooking and like. spaghetti burns but I’m not there for long and seems to be a mistake (he made the same thing for lunch today#and did Not burn the spaghetti) and is otherwise clearly competent bc the food smells Good and despite leaving a few things out it’s like#washed up stuff isn’t dirty and the sides are better despite still under cling film. more a case that he’s spread out than he’s messy#and now today we talked and i offered to hold onto some shit over summer bc complicated situation that boils down to he’s flying back home#and he cant take all his stuff and had to choose between chucking stuff/having literally nothing this weekend. like sleeping on the sofa etc#and then cleans the whole flat?? which I’m assuming a good chunk is his mess? but he did not need to do that. could’ve easily left#bc there are two people still living here who would’ve had to deal with it and he doesn’t know either at all#and THEN tonight we talk abt food which is fun bc we both ordered stuff. and he offers me some honeydew melon bc he’s been gorging himself#these past two days to finish it before it goes bad/he leaves which is also really sweet#and JUST NOW. I take my headphones out after finishing dinner and hear the sweetest fucking guitar#he plays the gentlest like dreamy sounding acoustic guitar I’ve heard in my life in his room (door closed by the time I leave)#this is actually just a really cool dude#now that the kitchens clear I’m gonna cook tomorrow and will probably offer him some bc otherwise he’s gonna be eating out all weekend#he has extra takeout for tomorrow night but might want smth Sunday#regardless I am just. huh??? left a bit stunned bc of the u turn my opinion of this guy has taken. bc my opinion of him was a reflection#of my discomfort moving to this weird dirty basement flat with two people I didn’t know#well. idk where to go from here. I think I’ll start by talking to him more this weekend. bc holy fucking shit.#luke.txt
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please can I get this job can I just get this job can something go right for me for once in my life please please please I just want to live
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Finals really do something to me, especially fall semester finals. I’m not actively suicidal but I’m feeling the strong desire to just never have existed at all. So no one would remember me, you know, just like. Blink off this plane and not have to deal with stress and chronic illness and pain and the three separate fucking times I’ve got PTSD.
#well. gonna sleep now#I haven’t been eating well and I think my body is going into hibernation now I went out for dinner for a diner burger#I can still feel my blood sugar recovering an hour later#but I’ve been sleeping 4am-1pm so g-d knows if I’ll fall asleep or not#tw suicide#suicidality mention#like. I’m fine I just hate this feeling of having some horrible thing going on emotionally but I can’t actually feel it cause I’m so#dissociated from stress#like I’ll cry for a second often but I can’t get myself to properly sob for five minutes and get it out of my system#it’s horrible.#but as soon as I get this one essay done I’ll be free to see my friends and my partner after christmas#so that’ll be lovely and healing#anne speaks
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crazy that when i go to the study cafe suddenly i can focus and conquer these insane slides but when i come back home i cannot do anything at all but lay in my bed
#im in my studying outside era#its working wonders#this cafe i go to has study desks its so cool#im staying late at uni to study too but it doesn’t work as well as the study cafe.. but at least uni is free#i’ll try studying at the library on thursday#bc uni is EMPTY on thursday im sure i can find a seat.. its always too crowded there#tomorrow im taking a break for my sanity… i haven’t been sleeping well or eating normally and my head is gonna explode
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#i haven’t been doing well tonight#these past few days—actually a lot longer—i haven’t been doing well because of school#i just hate my major so much—and I can keep going and get my degree but at what cost#i wish so badly that i had went into an English teaching degree#atp after this semester i have nine classes until graduation but i don’t know if I can handle it#My anxiety is so bad i can hardly work. this is the second time I’ve called out. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I threw up several times.#i’m feeling so much all at once i want to just stop existing#Everything is just coding and excel and work and appointments and tutoring and coding and excel and little breaks to watch YouTube to cope#my mom is supportive of me changing my major for the sake of my mental health#my dad will deal but he’s also just pissed because he thinks I dont try hard enough#I have a 3.8 gpa that’s not the issue the issue is the content#luckily money is not an issue in this situation but i don’t want to have to add on so much time by changing my major#but im also sick of feeling this way i won’t survive like this#tw vent#rose.txt
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vent post lol
#eating disorder#ed#eating disorder tw#huh so it’s been a while but this has been eating me up (no pun intented) for like a week#so basically i’ve had a lot and i mean A LOT of stomach issues this past 6 months or so#between stress and problems and fucking salmonella alongside other illnesses#i’ve puked a lot#and i mean a lot#so of course that has taken a toll on my body#both physically and mentally#about a month and a half ago i went to a gastroenterologist after one of the worst puking episodes i’ve ever had#and just last week i was puking my guts out bc pms and my period#hell i almost missed my graduation bc my stomach was killing me that day out of fear and stress#i almost skipped on a trip because my stomach was killing me out of stress#so yeah pretty much that#and so after the episode/going to the gastroenterologist that was kinda my wake up call#so i’ve been trying my hardest to lead a healthier lifestyle#working out eating well sleeping well etc etc#emphasis on trying tho bc old habits die hard#and last week a lady i barely remembered said to my face first thing oh my god you look so much skinnier!!!!! you look so good!!!!!#god i wanted to die on the spot#cause like i’ve been so ill and my disordered thoughts just fucking spiraled out of control#and i hate hate hate that i haven’t been able to shake that off#i triggered me a lot and i’m so scared#i swear i’ve been trying i swear with my life but i can’t get her fucking voice out of my head and the satisfaction i felt when she said it#and idk i feel so fucking weird and odd and i’ve been looking at my body the whole week#bodychecking and doing stupid stuff#idk i just needed to vent lol#it’s so so so weird#please i just want to have a healthy relationship with my body and food and working out
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I am so happy to be off for the next two days I could cry.
#I’ve actually been sleeping well the last few weeks and I am still. so. tired.#I’m behind in all my classes#my room is a mess. my dog stinks.#I haven’t eaten a proper meal in god knows how long#I’m irritable. I’ve been having passive thoughts.#i am just very ready to watch movies all day and rot. hopefully get caught up on assignments.#bathe my dog and clean my room and maybe eat a vegetable idk#and not talk to anybody for 4 days
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I know I know don’t trust your feelings at night
And especially don’t trust them when you wake up in the middle of the night after a 12 hr shift.
But. Fuck. I’m. Feeling a lot.
#and election is so close they haven’t really#I’m so scared#shattered fragments#and despite crying over several things (mostly intentionally bc I need a release). it’s. it’s not enough#and I need to go back to sleep. I need to fucking sleep. FUCK#and I woke up hungry to boot#despite eating last night. like. I was full before bed.#if I looked as hollow as I felt would you be concerned? would you be concerned enough to do anything?#because just saying ‘you take on too much’ before giving me more stuff to do for you bc I’m still more able to do all that than you is uh. 😒#would you pitch in? would you try? would you get help for yourself so you could help me?#because when you keep having the same problem. and we’ve been telling you for years to ask your doctor. I can’t feel sympathy anymore#I just feel frustrated and angry when every fucking night it effects my ability to care for myself.#or just about anyway#(get me out of here)#…I’m well aware that right now overworking myself keeps#me out of my own head for Longer. ah well.#bc even when I starved. I had to do it in a way it was so fucking hidden#and even back then if I lost any weight it would be celebrated. it still would.#I could probably lose 80 lbs before anyone started to get concerned.#(me. I would be concerned. I would lose all of the strength I have.)#fill me with love instead of my own thoughts#anything anything anything#I. I just want to hold and be held.#or have a precious little floof that deigns to honour me by being near me#I need more cat time#I need. I need love#and even though I tattooed it on my body. even though I know I am loved.#I just really don’t feel like I am right now.#and then the only place I feel appreciated is at work or at my other sort of job.#I’m a mooch. I’m useless. I can’t keep up at home. ‘is it my fault if you can’t function’ I don’t know I just don’t know how to fucking live
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I don’t know if I’m shaking bc I’m anxious, hungry or tired
or all three which is terrible
bc panic attacks bc suddenly show up when you are
also it becomes way to hard to walk
#I think it’s all three help#I should probably eat#And maybe take a nap#Bc my (possibly) autistic adhd brain as been making me forget to eat breakfast lately#I only ate a plastic tasting Twinkie this morning#Yeah I should get food#And chocolate milk#And I haven’t been sleeping well lately either#It’s bc anxiety#I hate my brain when it does this
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