#i have ways to cope though and i /am/ very happy with the conclusion of last week

[creativebrainrot]

hooh i am tiredsleepy i need to rest for like two weeks now lol

cw: vent post, actually much chiller than my previous ones recently; relieved venting, however; mentions of abuse

i made a lot of progress sorting things out the past two days and now i need a nap lol especially to recover from the trigger i didnt notice in time. i spent two entire days panicked / anxious. much better now but still sensitive to pattern-deviations. my cat did, a normal cat thing, but it took me off guard so i didnt sleep well last night. all in all, a bad start to the week that I turned around! next goal is to re-introduce myself to my guild. i left somethings out i want to add and i didnt talk much after the intro lol.

its weird, to have to learn socialization at 21. i was so sheltered and isolated, convinced that other people were just like my parent (bad one.) it means that every interaction is scary and liberating at the same time. i have to navigate triggers and i get so so afraid that "something," "very big and bad and scary," will happen. But afterwards, when yknow that isnt what happened, i feel better. its like "my trauma" is a dog scared to death of having its nails clipped, and "i'm" the one trying to convince it that "it wont be that bad, it'll only take a second." except i feel both sets of emotions. so i want to fix it but i have to make myself but, thankfully, "making" myself comes naturally and i come out the other side better for it. just need some rest now. probably gonna hide for a few days to let all this caffeine and anxiety wear off. i dont even know if the triggered state is gone yet, my cat mightve restarted it lol!

(shes fine by the way, just scared herself.)

[haebeomsleftbuttcheek]

So, I finally read the ending of MHA, and re-read the couple of chapters before and I must say it has left me feeling one thing…✨unfulfilled✨ that ending was unfulfilling!

It felt really rushed and unanswered, there was so many plot points that were just…unanswered! Izuku’s guilt and trauma seemed to be barely mentioned or even acknowledged, and we can see he’s STILL keeping some things from his classmates(I get they don’t need to know everything but there’s the whole idea of not bottling it up hello 👋)! Ochaco never ends up acknowledging or confessing her feelings towards Izuku or vice versa, which to be honest it was mostly on Ochaco’s side but even then nothing. Even though I can’t lie I like that we had no romance or ship confirmation, at least it has ended in a way where you can interpret it in many ways. Also Ochaco is her own character, not simply a love interest so not necessarily upset! Izuku’s father is clearly not important that’s as obvious as hell 😂 man never made an appearance, and apparently there is talks of Hori forgot all about him but not 100% sure on that piece of information(seems kind of likely tho 😅 or he just doesn’t care). I don’t even want to talk about Shigaraki and Toga 😭💔!

Bakugou’s arc I felt finished in a good way, but again I am still left feeling unfulfilled on some things evolving around him and Izuku. So, we learn that Bakugou put a lot of his savings into Izuku’s new suit during the final chapter(as did the whole class), and we have Bakugou once again reflecting on his past bullying. I feel his guilt over the bullying also may have played a role in him doing what he can to help Izuku getting that suit. However, we have no thought process on Bakugou’s death or even his apology, we don’t know what Izuku felt about the apology or how Bakugou’s short-term death affected him? Like obviously we can see in the moment it happened Izuku was affected, but the aftermath of that? Izuku’s thoughts on the apology? I guess it is up to us to assume he’s forgiven him, and he most likely has but I feel that was something that should have been touched upon. Except it wasn’t touched upon at all, this is like with Shouto and his father!

The Todoroki family conclusion was….very Endeavor focused 🙄 which isn’t necessarily awful, but like he took up so much of that conclusion were left with so many unanswered questions and thoughts! Like Shouto hardly spoke nor did we even hear his inner thoughts, and it’s really upsetting because we don’t know anything. What are his feelings? How is he coping after the war? His feelings on his brother? His father? We don’t know if he’s proud of his father, or if he’s disappointed, whether he’s forgiven him or not and what does he feel about his father retirement? The relationship between Shouto and his mother has truly been ruined for me, and is it for petty reasons? Yeah probably but it’s the way it’s been handled…Hori started Shouto’s journey with wanting to save his mother, and showed she held importance to Shouto. We see that Shouto holds his mother dear, and yet their first reunion in the hospital was not explored, the second is off-screened in favour of Enji’s blubbering face AND then when we have Shouto reiterating Rei’s very words back to her. The words that helped him in his dark days, and her response to that was….to be happy for Enji because hey his sidekicks are there and Hawks has texted him! No acknowledgment to her son, and this is the son she labelled the “family hero” a huge burden to put on your youngest child just support for Enji! It’s just ruined the relationship for me a bit, and I’m not the only one with this critique others have pointed it out.

It’s also pleasing to know that the Japanese side had this critique too! We have Endeavor stating he was going to retire, and that he is going to atone and keep at-

Like perfect 👌 it’s not like we don’t know this already, it’s something you’ve told us over and over. How about we hear from other family members?? Oh wait we do, we hear that Rei and Fuyumi want to talk to Touya too perfect 🤩 but I wanted more! I mean admittedly we know he’s going to keep atoning but him and Touya hadn’t had that conversation, but still 🙃 why did we need to re-enforce that Enji is going to keep atoning?! We know this! The positives for the conclusion to me is the soba, Touya apologising to Shouto and Enji accepting Natsuo’s no-contact! I was truly happy Natsuo went that route!

I just want to clarify that I don’t think it was necessary wrong for it to be so Endeavor focused, his points and character arc needed to be completed there’s no denying that. Him and Touya needed this talk too, and more but I feel like the others were over shadowed a bit! I mean we don’t even have Natsuo acknowledging Touya, the brother he’s supposedly closest too 🙃 I felt it could have been fixed if we had the Todoroki conclusion based over two chapters!(another reason why Hori should have had at least 10 more chapters to finish this instead of cramming it into 5)

Adult Shouto is so handsome, but no surprise there really! I’m so goddamn glad long hair shouto is DEAD 😌 sorry if you loved the long haired ponytail Shouto, I was always hoping he would not grow his hair long! He is being called Endeavor’s son less and less 😌 that’s good slowly creeping out of that man’s shadow! I’m so glad it seems like he didn’t take his father’s hero name, that theory was my nightmare! Also despite my complaints about the Todofam’s conclusion, I do like the idea that we can see Shouto has his friends to lean on and to gain comfort and love from! We also know he is heading towards being who he wants to be! I also did like how Shouto was the one who asked Touya about himself, instead of just talking at Touya!

Why is Enji STILL being pushed around on that wheelchair by Rei?? Like are you truly incapable of doing it yourself man 💀 it’s electric:

It’s literally a electric wheelchair, there is no need for Rei to being pushing him around 😭 I mean my mother said I could look at it as a way of her taking back her power but dude should be doing it himself! Oh I want to backtrack to the whole Bakugou’s apology - Enji’s apology agenda, we have seen, heard their inner guilt and seen them express their guilt/their sorry’s to their victims but AGAIN it’s not touched upon for their victims! We don’t hear Shouto’s response or inner thoughts on his fathers apology, like yes we know Shouto was not sure if he could forgive but he was watching to see what type of father Enji could be. However, we don’t know his feelings over the apology neither the one in the hospital or his final one, and with Izuku we hear absolutely nothing of his inner thoughts on Bakugou’s apology or nor does he give a genuine response to that apology- a verbal one at least!

The biggest BIGGEST sin of the whole story:

Quite literally is this coffin dodger still fucking breathing! Do wish we had more hero deaths in this final war, and I mean heroes of importance not some side show character no one emotionally cares about!

The appearance of that new guy, who was saved by the granny who didn’t help Tenko felt kinda pointless(though it clearly wasn’t). However I guess he was to show that hey look society is getting better, and we’re to look at this ending and see things are getting better which sure I can sort of see that I guess.

So we still have quirkism 😂 the whole “you can’t be a hero with that quirk” “only strong people with strong quirks can” talks! Honestly, he’s that adorable kid in that one scene 🥺 he was a cutie patootie!

The ranking thing still exists 😔 I was hoping it would be abolished, but oh well it is what it is!

Onto more positive things now ☺️ I do love this colour spread:

Look at them all smiling 😭 and Aoyama is still with them, which also in the spread of them all as pro-heroes Aoyama is with them! And for that I’m really happy 😊 he may have had to join them at a slightly later date but he’s with them so I’m happy!

Bakugou’s face as he works on his arm therapy 😂🤣 he always is so angry or at least he has an angry face! The others cheer him on though!

I’m upset that we never got to see Shouto eating soba with Touya, but I’m also happy for the ending to be left ambiguous. I mean obviously we are told he is slowly dying, but giving there was no confirmation of his passing or a grave stone. I’m free to pretend that he somehow manages to live on, and heal in some kind of way.

Lastly, it was definitely unfulfilling for me personally, there were things I liked but not enough to make me feel satisfied 😔. It felt rushed and unanswered on some plot points, and whether that’s to Horikoshi being just fed up with the story that he wanted it done or he was being pushed to finish it faster I don’t know. It’s just a bit disappointing, especially when I feel like many plot points could have been cleared up if he had made it 10 more chapters to finish not 5. However, I still love the series for the journey it has given me, it’s been my first manga I have ever completed so it will be dear in my heart. I started as an anime only, but I soon picked up the manga and well here I am! It’s been a hell of a ride, and I’m glad I got involved with it all even if sometimes the discourse made me want to scream 😂🤣!

[lucky-clover-gazette]

Variations on Corruption

Unreleased and unused content from Corruption Loves Company. Includes the original first ending, two deleted scenes (including a look into the Corruption But it's Chill gang post-fic), and various notes from development.

An Overly Sentimental and Personal Note:

On October 1st, 2022 I picked up The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords manga at an indie bookstore where I used to work. I knew very little about the story, but I had previously enjoyed Akira Himekawa's Twilight Princess manga. On October 4th, 2022, I actually read the manga. I got to the forest scene with Vio and Shadow, did a quick sanity check on Tumblr ("uhhhh is it just me or are they...?") and almost immediately fell in love with the pairing. The rest, to use a very contrived phrase, was history. 

In the past two years I have written a lot about this story and these characters. I am very fond of my entire body of work, but my two corruption AUs have a special place in my heart. So on the two-year anniversary of discovering the manga, I thought it would be nice to share some insight and unreleased content related to them both, and explain a bit more about what they and this fandom mean to me. 

In the latter half of 2023 and for the first few months of 2024, Corruption Loves Company—a fic that had been originally intended as an edgy grimdark experiment with a poignant resolution—became a very large part of my life. I had written the entire thing (yes, the entire thing) in August/September of 2023, but had hesitated to publish the final three chapters. My desire to find a different resolution snowballed, and what had started with simple intentions became a meditation on serious things I was figuring out how to cope with in my actual life. The story ended up transformed in the final two chapters, finally completed in March of 2024. And while I do think that everything was surprisingly (and accidentally) well-foreshadowed and I'm very proud of the final product, there remains a fully written and edited original ending that never saw the light of day. Most notably, this original ending did not include Hylia. Take from that what you will. 

While active in this fandom, I had the privilege of finding numerous creative collaborators and making a few good friends. I also became deeply invested in the characters and story we all enjoyed. I poured my passion and love into this pairing, and my writing about them, for the better part of two years. I dedicated so much time to Four Swords fanworks because of this community, my own creative fulfillment, and the ideas that Vio and Shadow as a pairing represented to me. 

Corruption Loves Company, perhaps more than any other fic, really emphasizes what exactly those ideas are. I think that is a major reason why I  put so much effort and care into meticulously constructing it. Even though it became somewhat convoluted with triforce hijinks and heavy-handed religious allegory, I still know what it was always meant to say: There is no higher power than people caring about other people. That message is present in all of my Four Swords fic, really. And it matters. 

Attentive readers might have noticed that I've taken a long break from writing in this fandom. The truth is, I'm not sure if I ever will again. I ended up taking a massive step away from Four Swords in the spring of 2024, for personal reasons related to the fandom experience. I haven't been able to bring myself back since. 

All that is to say, this very well might be my last Four Swords update for a while, if not forever. I genuinely hope that someday I will be able to write Vio and Shadow without feeling sad, because even just reading this old writing made me feel so happy. 

The original conclusion of Corruption Loves Company is a preservation of a relationship with this piece of media that I'm not sure I'll ever have again. It isn't as "deep" or meticulously written as the final version, but in a way, I think it actually portrays the themes of the story very well in the absence of everything I ended up adding. I don't know if that will make sense to anyone else, but it does to me. 

I've also included some random funny/interesting development notes and snippets, because holy shit I worked so hard on this fucking fic, you have no idea, oh my god. And two deleted scenes, the latter of which shows us a day in the life of characters from It's Dangerous To Go Alone, the significantly more chill predecessor to Corruption Loves Company. Tingle is unfortunately not present.

Discovering the Four Swords manga on October 4th 2022 helped me heal my relationship with writing and creation, after years of struggling to get out a single earnest word. I am deeply proud of my silly, heartfelt fanfiction and I appreciate every friendly presence I've encountered throughout my time in the fandom. 

Thank you for your company. 

It mattered. 

[fayedartmouth]

it legitimately ruins the whole show for me :( totally obliterates my rewatching experience. how am I supposed to watch such good, wholesome, fun episodes like midsummers again, knowing where it all ends up??

i had accidentally spoiled the big thing for myself before i started part 2, so i was seeing everything thru that perspective and it made me miserable :( but i very much supported him going nuts throughout the season. the whole sequence in ep 6 where he just straight up loses it is maybe one of the best and most satisfying of the show for me (acting, writing, cinematography, music choice - i was giggling and kicking my feet like a little girl). my guy could've burned the whole world down and I just would been like :/ you go girl.

but like. yeah. where's the payoff to all the pain and suffering. where's the resolution. where's the closure. how do you drag an already very tragic character thru the mud like that and then just.

I get it, i do. And before I say anything, I just think it's important that everyone will cope with t hisi differently and however you need to cope is valid. There's not a right or wrong response when something breaks your heart like this.

So I'm just talking about me here. I was shocked at first, like in disbelief when I found out.  I'm a spoiler type (I have to know, especially with character death). And then like it hit me and it hit me hard. I was working and just sobbing (thank goodness for work from home) before I even watched. It was like this overwhelming grief that I couldn't fathom and didn't know what to do with.

And I got mad and I ran it in circles in my head before I just came to the conclusion that no. They don't get to take it from me. I can't even explain how much I think about this show and JJ.  I can't explain how much of my free time and free energy is plotting JJ fics and thinking about his character.  It's not an exaggeration to say OBX IS my hobby right now. My real life is a chaotic and stressful mess and I have so little free time -- and I turned to OBX for escapism.

And I can't give it up.  I won't.  But how do I keep going when it broke my heart?

Well, screw the show.  At this point, I don't need it.  They don't want JJ anymore?  Okay, I'll take him.  He's mine now -- he's OURS.  The writers let the narrative doom him.  So that's fine.  My narrative will save him.  It's not easy for me to say that because I am, at my core, a canon girl.  but needs must, okay?

Sincerely, I've been doing fandoms for a long long time and I've been in all types. Some of the best ones were ones where fans ignored canon and did it better. I will just seek out people who want to go there with me and do it.

I do have to be more selective, of course.  I have to read less fic and engage with fewer parts of fandom.  I think I'll get better at is as time goes on and it's less fresh.  But I will make my place and be happy.  Because I need it.

I'm going to write my own version of saving JJ and what S5 would look like in my perfect world. And I hope it helps other people cope like it helps me cope. But like I said, we all got to do what we have to do. I know a lot of people walking away and it makes me sad but I think it's totally valid.  I just can't.  So here I am, doing what I can.  My hope is that the more I invest into my head canons, the less I'll need the actual show. I am unlikely to do a full rewatch ever again but clips and moments? I'm hoping I can get there sooner as opposed to later.  JJ's my boy and always will be.  He's alive in my head because he has to be.

I wish you the best, though. It sucks.  It really, really sucks, and there's just no way around that. The writers missed the boat on understanding JJ's character and his arc and it's such a shame. All the potential is RIGHT THERE, and they took a cheap out instead of a satisfying one.

[dissociativediscourse]

Hello! I made a post reaching out to the plural community for help, and somebody recommended me your blog so, here I am!

Lately I've been considering the possibility that I might be an OSDD system, but I'm not really sure given the fact that I have convinced myself in the past that I had some sort of disorder, when in reality I didn't.

I guess my question is... How can you tell? How do you come to the conclusion that you might be part of a system? How can I tell if I'm sabotaging myself? I'm so confused.

I'll link the post down bellow, you don't have to read it if you don't want to, that's completely okay! I just thought it might help given the fact that I list most of my symptoms in there.

Thank you, have a nice day!

https://www.tumblr.com/just-an-anxious-little-mess/714800517560385536/plural-community-i-need-your-help?source=share

Hey, there! I’m more than honored that I’m being recommended for advice, and I’m happy to help!

So, first and foremost: I can’t diagnose you. And neither can anyone else on Tumblr— or anyone that isn’t a licensed professional who specializes in complex dissociative disorders. That doesn’t mean that we can’t help! It just means that you should really take anything you read (anything that’s not professional advice from a specialist, I mean) with a grain or two of salt.

Also, even with a list of symptoms, there’s still so much more that goes into it. Presentation, when and why these things happen, little details that you may not even notice yourself. Things that you’d have to know someone in real life to truly see and know for sure.

Finally, my case is a little difficult to use as a comparison for situations like these; I was diagnosed when I was a mid-teenager, and had no idea what DID even was. It was a bomb dropped on me. I’ve told the story here a million times, but… It wasn’t a case of self-diagnosis. So… Be warned that my experience with self diagnosis of DID is very limited and mostly in relation to those around me.

With all of that out of the way, let’s get started. I can’t tell you whether or not you have DID/OSDD, but I can give you some helpful pointers that may help.

If you’re questioning these things, one of the best things that you can do is look for a therapist. I have a tag (#therapy advice tag) that is featured on my blog that may help you— if it’s not enough, feel free to message me, because I’m more than happy to offer some pointers depending on your situation. It is imperative that you find someone that actually knows how to treat DID and isn’t just a cocky EMDR therapist or a newbie trauma specialist that’s fresh out of their residency and thinks they know everything. This sounds daunting, and it is an involved process. But it is very possible in many cases!

A good thing to keep in mind is that whether or not you have OSDD/DID, you want help/treatment that works for *you*. Many people think that they just need to self diagnose or get a diagnosis and then… It’s healing time!! Well… That’s not really how it works. Diagnosis is a tool that will probably only matter to your insurance— and the great news is that if someone is qualified to treat you for your dissociative disorder, they’ll put that f44.81 right on your bill! Mental health diagnosis isn’t like it is with medical doctors. It… Honestly doesn’t matter that much as long as your treatment is working.

This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t care whether or not you have this disorder. It’s just that the more energy you spend worrying about it, the less energy you’ll have to actually cope with it and get help. And that’s not good!

All this to say that a good goal to set for yourself isn’t “figure out if I have DID/OSDD ASAP and get that hashtag systemlife going!” (Which, I know that isn’t your goal. But that was a fun little sentence, wasn’t it?) — A great goal, though, would be to listen to your mind and your body and begin to work on stabilizing yourself and finding your ability to ground. To extend some feelers and figure out what you need to heal from your traumas. Because while right now it may be scary and confusing, you’re never going to do yourself any harm by grounding and finding your center and learning how to stabilize. You could be experiencing a complex dissociative disorder, and this could be that hard and heavy denial spiral. We’ve all been there. It sucks. You could also be confused… But that’s not bad.

Please remember that whether you have DID/OSDD or not is really and truly of very little importance compared to figuring out how to heal and be present and navigate your life in a way that allows you to live and enjoy living in the present. One mistake that I see very frequently is people ascribing far too much value and importance to whether or not they’re systems rather than whether or not they’re okay.

I know that I’ve gone on tangent after tangent and you’ll have to forgive me— It has been a little bit of a long day. I guess that all of this is to say that worrying about whether you’re correct about your diagnosis isn’t ever going to be helpful for you. Getting help for it is, though. Reach out. Find resources, find a professional, read books on trauma and dissociation. If the help you find doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t. Then it’s time to move on and try a different method! Don’t be discouraged if this happens, as it likely will at some point. It happens to most of us! And it will be okay.

Let me know/know that my DMs/Askbox are always open if you need more specifics or help with the therapy search. ❤️ Please be safe, and have a wonderful night.

[trashcanwithsprinkles]

absolutely loved the new chapter. good, good stuff. much to think on. lore things. other things. fun things. <3 i feel like i have to say in regards to vephar and ajax in particular i've consistently had this sense of- knowing there was stuff that didn't add up fully with the information present before, that there was more to it, it was kind of obvious to an extent, after all. i just.... didn't think about it beyond that for whatever reason though lol. i think at some point i decided to just wait and absorb the information if/when it was talked about later or when more evidence for a solid conclusion existed since- limited information leaves a lot of potential for erroneous conclusions,, could always have actually put effort into thinking about it later if it Wasn't covered too, but hey, here we are! and also i didn't think about it too hard because- sometimes, i think i think too much for my mind to cope with lmeo. i love making theories and solving puzzles if i can but alas, sometimes it gets out of hand, so this time i kind of just- waited- i dunno, it's probably also because i didn't know if it even could be predictable or not. i am used to weird and wonderful things when it comes to something that doesn't quite add up (*cough cough* i don't know if you would know but professor layton... yeah. stuff happens. it can be. ??? fascinating.) so,, somehow it felt kinda vaguely similar in a way and just- yeah. it was very satisfying to see more on that <3

and this is how my mind feels right now

(^ have to say this counts for every little part of the fic btw. it's always so delightful.)

oh god professor layton you're right lmao

aa i'm glad it was enjoyable! always happy to deliver;;

[cassynite]

thinkin about the shitty character archetypes im always making for my characters, ramble under cut

It always comes back to familial grief and loss i think

Sparrow of course ends up hurt and betrayed by everyone she loves until Daeran. Evaethi's upbringing makes her fundamentally incapable of seeing Sparrow as a real person and not just, like, a beloved pet/companion. Crow's worldview means that, even though Sparrow is the closest he has ever come to loving another individual, he will never truly understand why his presence is needed/wanted in her life and will ultimately always choose his work/vision over her just like their parents did

Vonzi is THE BURDEN on her family, she is literally why they ran away from their childhood home (as shitty as it was) and why they never had any stability or safety while growing up, and her mother always makes sure she knows it. No matter the timeline or circumstances Vonzi will always eventually choose to leave her family one way or another because even if the only person you can rely on is another Voness, Vonzi comes to the conclusion that her family cannot move on until or unless she's gone--either dead saving their lives or just walking away. Her sister tried to walk away and couldn't; maybe none of them can while she's there. And it is, bar none, the worst thing she will ever do to her sisters, and in some ways they will never forgive her for it and the family never recovers even if Vonzi comes back to them.

Ophenia has deliberately removed herself from life's narrative--she sets herself up as the writer, the storyteller, the speaker of other's ideas, shamelessly stealing stories from the real life people around her in an effort not to engage with any of it on a personal level because real connections die and rot while she lives on, but books make people live forever. The first story she ever wrote cast her dying wife as the protagonist and it's the only way she knows how to cope with the fact that she will outlive basically everyone she ever knows by Quite Some Time!

Even like my DA OCs....Dannia Tabris methodically destroys any chance for personal happiness ostensibly out of duty and a need to create the Optimal Outcome according to her visions, but really it's because she will always consider herself responsible for her mother's death and the misery her family lives in because her powers mean she should have prevented it all and didn't.

Phaedre Lavellan is just Sparrow in a different font, literally--she has an older brother she idolized and adored, who dies when she is young and utterly destroys her. It's very explicitly her fault that he dies--she was trying to prove she was adult enough to go on the hunt to get her vallaslin, bites off more than she can chew, and Ghandriel dies saving her life--and it leaves her calcified as a child, terrified of making decisions or striking out because what if it happens again? What if her carelessness hurts someone else?

Idk idk idk. I don't even want to go into original story OCs and how they fuck up their narratives but like. Dead parents, dead siblings, the need to live up to memories left behind or reject what came before, slowly destroying themselves because they can't process what they lost. It's like in every single one of them, I am legit trying to find a SINGLE oc I've made in my entire life who wasn't horribly changed by their family....

[glittiris]

Internalized Misogyny & Gender Identity

I am not a trans man, and I don’t think I ever wanted to be a trans man, I just didn’t want to be myself. I came to the conclusion that I must be trans when I started going through puberty which is very telling now that I’m an adult looking back on that phase of my life. Everyone feels uncomfortable during puberty, but my discomfort with the changes I was experiencing was so intense I wanted an escape from womanhood. I’ve never fully confronted these feelings and I’m only doing so now because I came across a video on YouTube by someone who detransitioned and shares almost the same experience as me. It inspired me. 

I was always one of the boys and the label “tomboy” was heavily pushed onto me. I remember being obsessed with that label because it felt like I was being praised for not being like the other girls my age. I do think this label was harmful because combined with being ostracized by the girls, it made me think I was actually meant to be a boy. Around this time was when I discovered I liked girls just as much as I liked boys, which made the boys see me as one of them even more. I didn’t know what transgender was at this point and didn’t even think of myself as bisexual. I considered myself a lesbian.

I think another factor was my lack of control, especially in my appearance. I was forced to wear dresses and my Catholic school had a strict dress code that enforced that girls must wear skirts no matter what. For years, I hated these articles of clothing because I didn’t have control over when I would wear them, but even when I identified as a trans man, I didn’t have control over my appearance because I had to appeal to what was expected of me now that I was identifying as a boy. Even now as a woman who identifies with all pronouns, people still place expectation onto me because of my previous gender identity. I hate being asked if I’m still identifying as a boy or when people notice I’m more feminine because it’s actually quite embarrassing. I went years forcing myself to abide by the confines of the stereotypical boy even after I realized I don’t feel trans because I was scared to harm the trans community even though I’m an unknown case. I was scared to tell my mother because of all the pain I put her through throwing tantrums because she wouldn’t let me cut my hair, take me to a therapist and buy me binders right away. She still holds that against me and thinks I was just an unruly child, but I was desperately trying to claw my way out of myself because my body was changing, and I didn’t know how to cope with it as a 9–10-year-old and even later as a teen. It didn’t help that my mother was making comments on my body and telling me things like "You have such a cute stomach.” I’m still so scared to wear certain things around my mother because I feel her eyes looking at all the things she used to have before getting old. Those feelings made me start binding and wearing baggy clothes. I didn’t want to be ogled at.

I remember asking my mother if I sounded like a boy and trying to drop my voice, only for her to just say “No” to me. I hated my voice and wanted it to be deeper so badly, and now it is and I’m so happy I didn’t take testosterone to prematurely drop it. Due to bullying, I didn’t feel pretty and thought I would look better as a boy. Many of my “crushes” on boys were just because I wanted to look just like them and confused the transpo-admiration for romantic feelings. Part of me did think it was weird that I had a million crushes at once, but I just went for the guy I felt the most “attracted” to and pretended like they were my one & only. I started straying away from identifying as transgender when I felt like I had to identify with my birth sex to be with certain boys I liked who were completely straight and uncomfortable with calling me their boyfriend. I started getting frustrated with how limiting the label “transgender” became but felt that I had already gone too far with this new me that I couldn’t just go back on everything I said. It was frustrating still not being able to wear the clothes I want and not being able to do the things I want because I would risk not being taken seriously as a trans boy, but I had to press on because that’s what I wanted, right? I wanted to be a boy and if that’s what it took to be a boy, then I was willing to suffer. At some point I realized I wasn’t being strict with my pronouns and actually hated when my pronouns were even mentioned at all. My mother would mess up and correct herself in an over-the-top manner that made it so obvious that she messed up, and I was just tired of it being a problem, so I stopped correcting people all together. Something I experience a lot is being infantilized by people because they think they’re doing the right thing by expressing how supportive they are and how welcome I am, but it feels uncomfortable, and I just want to be treated like a normal person rather than be questioned and talked up the wazoo about my identity. I don’t even think anyone in the LGBTQ community wants to be constantly reassured that they’re in a safe place and that they’re normal. If we’re so normal, why not talk to us like straight/cisgender people? Anyhoo.. 

I’m still learning how to love and accept myself, and womanhood. I’m glad I have the rest of my life to experience all the girly things, but I’m sad that I wasted my childhood and teen years being so miserable with myself. Can’t wait to be an old woman and not even remember any of this. 

[virtualmartin]

hmm, i somewhat agree with this- i can definitely speak to part of what op is saying, because i strongly identified as an introvert for years before getting better friends/finding environments that made me feel safe and happy, and realizing i was an ambivert as a result. i also very much tend to isolate due to mental illness (though i identified as an introvert before all that really kicked in), which i've been (tentatively) trying to work on recently by "checking myself" in a similar way.

on the other hand, i think a lot of people are genuinely solitary by nature, and their best version of "living their life" is doing so mostly alone (my father is one of these people). i think some people are also less prone to loneliness (which i don't consider a strength or a weakness). aloneness is not inherently isolation. for me, it's more about using your time alone well- not to sound like an old man, but you have to do more than just watch netflix. find silly little hobbies! things that enrich and fascinate you! go outside and interact with the world, doing so by yourself, if you like! fill your time and space, but also allow yourself to be bored and idle.

in conclusion yes please check yourself, make sure you aren't practicing unhealthy coping mechanisms, and allow people to be there for you, but also live your best introverted life if you are one and, in general, find joy in being alone, when there is joy to be found

also disclaimer @ op and my good friend who i reblogged this from i am not at all trying to refute or debate this post- i think it's a solid post and it made me think a lot of Thoughts (/positive) which i wanted to think out loud

idk what introvert needs to hear this but please check yourself when ur saying stuf like “staying in your room all weekend by yourself watching netflix is much better than going out and being social” because speaking from experience it’s very easy to confuse being introverted and isolating yourself to cope with anxiety and depression please reach out to your friends and make an effort to live your life and say yes to things, there’s no harm in enjoying your own company but please try to avoid shutting yourself away because you’ve convinced yourself that you’re better alone it’s seriously a recipe for loneliness and will really fuck with your self worth

[pattywagon2go]

Train Talk Tuesday

Hi, so it's been quite a while since the last post, hasn't it? It's been so long since the last post that a lot of stuff has happened since then in the world of rail-based transportation, stuff which I have a few thoughts on, but not enough to laser focus into a single post. So instead, I’m choosing to compile a ton of different news items into one post, as a lightning-round like thing. I’ve done this kind of thing before (see this post), but I don’t expect this to be a norm going forward, there’s just been quite a lot of news recently, and I figured it would be best to do it all in one post. With that out of the way, it's time to commence the news!

First up on the list, Brightline West has officially broken ground in Las Vegas. For the uninitiated, Brightline West is a high-speed rail link between Las Vegas, Nevada and Los Angeles*, California. It is being built by Brightline, the private company which runs trains in Florida, hence why it's called Brightline West.

I am personally really excited for this project. With the exception of the Acela in the Northeast (which you can argue day and night whether its actually high-speed or not), the United States doesn’t have any kind of high-speed rail right now, so seeing projects which aim to bring high-speed rail to a country which largely sticks with cars is a refreshing sight to see. It's not 100% perfect, as there will be some single tracking and there won’t be a direct link to LA Union Station at first, but there are plans to remedy this in the future. Just like with California High-Speed Rail, once completed, this line will have the potential to radically change how people in the area move, and it will be a major stepping stone toward a more sustainable future.

Speaking of California High-Speed Rail, the next news item is about a project very close to it! Caltrain has officially finished electrifying their main line between San Francisco and San Jose!

For the uninitiated, Caltrain is a commuter railroad that primarily serves San Francisco, California. As part of California High-Speed Rail, Caltrain has been electrifying their main line between San Francisco and San Jose, as CAHSR will be using the Caltrain main line as part of the route into San Francisco. Recently, though, the project has reached its end, and Caltrain will begin electric commuter service soon.

What makes me really happy about this project is it demonstrates that the United States is capable of these kinds of projects. Time and time again, there is cope about how the United States is incapable of electrification projects, and that we are meant to just stick to diesels. This project reaching its conclusion is hardline proof that it is possible, but only if we actually make a worthwhile attempt at making it happen. There is no “We’re not ready”, no “It's too expensive”, just build the goddamn wires and stop screaming about it.

Moving all the way from one coast to the next, we arrive at the City of Brotherly Love for our next news piece, which is that the Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority (SEPTA) has terminated its $185 million contract for bi-level commuter cars with CRRC, a state-owned Chinese rolling stock company. The reason for the termination seems to be the delay in getting the new cars and the shoddy craftsmanship of the ones CRRC did deliver.

I’m personally not going to get too into the whole shenanigans with CRRC, as there is a fantastic video on it here, but the main sparknotes of it are that CRRC was chosen by SEPTA as Pennsylvanian law mandates that the lowest bidder for a contract like this is guaranteed to be chosen, and CRRC happened to be the one who bid the lowest when SEPTA was looking for companies who wanted to build new bi-levels for them. This is something that is also in force in Massachusetts, which is why the MBTA picked CRRC as the company to build out the replacement cars for the Orange and Red Lines for Boston's subway. Said cars have not only been severely delayed, but have experienced numerous manufacturing issues which required them to be pulled from service to remedy. I think that CRRC has played a clever game here, where by exploiting a bad law, they were able to secure the contract from much more reliable manufacturers. This is just another case of how penny pinching transit agencies always leads to trouble, but I also would stress that this is another issue with not having domestic manufacturers anymore. With the exception of the Brookville Equipment Corporation, the United States has no rolling stock manufacturers anymore, let alone large ones on the scale of Siemens or Alstom. The United States used to have these, like Budd Co. and the St. Louis Car Co., but a lack of investment into railroads ultimately drove these companies into their graves, and the void they left in their wake continues to plague the United States to this very day. As of now CRRC has made it clear they will look toward re-negotiating the contract with SEPTA, but I doubt that SEPTA will be willing to talk.

The final news item takes us up north to New Jersey, at the Portal North Bridge, which has officially reached 50% completion status. This new bridge will be replacing the older Portal Bridge, which is a railroad bridge which carries the Northeast Corridor over the Hackensack River.

Originally constructed in 1910 by the Pennsylvania Railroad as part of the connection to New York City, the replacement of the Portal Bridge is a key part of the Gateway Program, a major infrastructure project meant to increase the capacity of the Northeast Corridor between Newark Penn Station and New York Penn Station. Right now the NEC between these two stations is only double tracked in some areas, including the Portal Bridge, which limits how many trains can be run on the line. In addition, the Portal Bridge also enforces a speed limit on the NEC, making trains run at a glacial 60mph maximum while on it.

As someone who has mentioned how much the connection from NYC to NJ sucks in the Penn Station rant (see here), seeing such a milestone is a refreshing sight. Just like Caltrain wrapping up electrification of its main line, this is proof that large public infrastructure projects being accomplished aren’t some kind of myth here in the United States, it can be done, we just need to actively try to do them. The Gateway Program in general will likely need its own post one day, but seeing such a large project reach a critical milestone is a refreshing sight, especially since it will rectify a major issue with the NEC. The NEC won’t be totally perfect even after the Gateway Program concludes, but this will be a major step forward for the NEC in general, be it Amtrak or NJ Transit.

And that’s all of the news I have! There was definitely a lot of stuff I missed that I couldn’t do in this post, which is unfortunate, but to be expected. I did my best to pick out the stuff that I thought could use the most spotlight on, so some stuff unfortunately didn’t make the cut, but that’s just how I roll. More posts like these may or may not happen, it will depend on whether more news stuff happens. I do expect the hiatus on posts to persist, as I still need to find some ideas for stuff worth talking about, but I will do my best to try to keep the hiatus as short as possible. Until then, I hope to see you all for the next post!

[rosesloveletters]

merry christmas, beloved💌

a christmas gift package for my best friend and sister @ajokeformur-ray​

Merry Christmas, darling! I always look forward to crafting these posts for you around the holidays and it is even more special to me than before because, this year, we were graced with the shining opportunity to meet in person. I cannot thank you enough for traveling over 4,000 miles to spend a couple of weeks with me; if I had it my way, you never would have had to go home. I miss you tremendously and I hope these gifts show you just how special you are to me and how much I love every single thing you’ve done for me over the past couple of years we’ve been friends. I want you to know how deeply you are appreciated and loved and how intensely proud of you I am. You’ve gone through so much this year, with work and with uni and just life in general. I've seen you at your best and at your worst, darling, and I love you for all that you are because you’re you. You’ve been such an amazing friend to me that you’re more like family than anything else. Thank you for being in my life and loving me so wholeheartedly. Take care of yourself and treat yourself this holiday season! Try to stay cozy and I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your loved ones and a happy and healthy start to the New Year. I hope this next year has only positive things in store for you!

On to the gifts!!

To start, here’s another note from me (so much gushing! I know, right?)

Next, I had a couple of my F/Os write you some letters. Technically I only asked Terry to write you one and, well, François insinuated himself into the situation as he often does🙄 Hope you don’t mind...

Now, for the bigger gifts!! I wrote two pieces for you this year: one larger (first) and a second smaller one. I hope you enjoy!! If not, I am happy to make you something else😊

Shadow Play // Edward Hyde and (daughter) Erika // word count: 2,774

‘How would you say we are related to our shadows?’ / ‘If we cast them, are they not always part of us?’

Summary: You never knew why your Papa always made you speak your truth aloud, but he makes his intentions clear the night you begin to question why your family exists in the first place. If the entire household wanted him dead, why is he standing right in front of you? You don’t know how you would cope without him, nor how your Father would go on with his studies or his life, if day had no more night and light touched no darkness.

He put his hand across his face, then started at his own shadow, which the lamp had sent shooting up the wall so the movement of his hand had made a giant dark motion behind him. He laughed softly. ‘When you were a child, Mary,” he said, ‘did you play shadow games?’

‘No, sir,’ I said.

Master looked up at me, a smile still playing around his mouth. ‘Just as well,’ he said. ‘As it turns out, they can be very dangerous.’

‘Please, sir,’ I said. ‘I don’t understand you.’

Master held the lamp up before him and, moving his hand, made the shadow leap up again. He watched the shadow play but spoke to me. ‘How would you say we are related to our shadows, Mary?’ he said. ‘If we cast them, are they not always part of us?’

‘Sir,’ I said. ‘They are only a trick of the light.’

Master put the lamp down on the step and fell to adjusting his cuffs, which was turned back. ‘It may be that weare the trick of the light, Mary,’ he said.

***

The echo of your Father’s words rang in your ears as if they’d been spoken to you instead of to your Mama, who had later recounted them when she was able to allow herself to fully appreciate the depth of them on her own. Henry Jekyll had arrived at a conclusion and perhaps that which he had found was not what either you or Mary had hoped for, though an answer was still an answer nonetheless, even if it wasn’t a desirable one.

It made perfect sense. Shadows were inherent of any three-dimensional object, living or not; it was only safe to assume that those shadows were a part of whatever may have cast them. Your father had made short work of your assumptions in the past and, therefore, you knew better than to rely purely on that. You had a hypothesis, but you needed evidence.

A trick of the light.

That was the ticket. You had to shut your eyes and pretend you were someone else just to push the thoughts away that came unbidden into your mind like floodwaters rising after a great storm.

If your Father truly had believed what your Mama said to him, and if his response was genuine like you had known it to be all this time, then you knew as well as he what that meant: he was the light and you damn well knew who was the dark.

***

You did not put much thought into your actions when you were small as you did now, but you never forgot the way that your Father played shadow games with you. He used his fingers and hands to cast darkness upon the walls of your bedroom in the forms of animals you knew by name and wild creatures which you didn’t. Your Father befriended those creatures before your very eyes and made them dance for you; your Father knew how to manipulate the darkness and played with the shadows as though they were real.

As a young girl, it made no difference to you. You had always struggled to feel safe and comfortable being wrapped in total darkness, but your Father knew the way. He showed you that you did not have to be brave all the time, if you remembered that darkness was alive within everyone, him and yourself included, and that there might still be a proper time and place for it. As you grew older, you had come to the realization that the light which your Father would block to create the shadows was, in fact, himself.

He had inhibited himself in favor of his own shadows, to stifle the light within himself and allowed the darkness to play the same as he’d shown you to do with your hands. In doing so, you had learned from him that you did not have to show no fear to be fearless. After all, he had not been afraid at first and it was not likely that, if he was indeed afraid at all, he would ever show it even if it went against everything he had ever tried to teach you. He wanted for you to be a better version of himself, a grown woman he was proud of beyond all measure...and you were.

You were the striking image of all three of your parents and Henry Jekyll could see that reflected within everything that you did. You worked your fingers to the bone, sometimes denying yourself food, sleep or comfort to complete a task. You were highly intelligent and could understand things far beyond what even he could at times and that impressed him immensely. He wanted your life to be easier than his own and he did all that he could to provide a safe environment for you to grow up in.

It troubled him from time to time when the darkness came.

He resented the opportunities he had passed on to this darker side of him and the access he had given him to you. He did not regret your connection with your Papa, only he worried that he might not have prepared you for some hard truths that would surely never come to pass. Whether he wanted it or not, Edward Hyde was a part of all three of your lives and your Father would come to terms with that. He had created him, after all, out of mere curiosity; it was his burden to bare.

***

Your lips twisted into what you hoped would be considered a genuine smile, while you fought to maintain and strong and determined gaze. It felt convincing enough, you thought, as you gazed into the mirror and frowned suddenly.

He was going to know.

In the back of your mind, you knew you had already lost the battle, though nothing could yet be said of the war currently raging inside of you like a wild animal fighting its confines. Your Papa and your Father both knew the feeling all too well; it stayed with them wherever they went.

Seeing as you knew how intuitive he was, he would read you like one of the books he had “borrowed” from your Father’s personal library, only to scrawl upon the pages out of blatant disrespect for what was written there and, secretly, you relished in it. You longed to be seen and heard without having to alter your emotions; you craved that same freedom.

Your Papa had a gift at reading people because he naturally saw what was laden beneath the surface because he walked amidst the very darkness that hid a person’s greatest secrets. It did not matter whether you might try to pretend. He saw right through the mask anyway.

“I thought I might find you here.”

You had been expecting him, but nevertheless did the interruption in your stream of consciousness make your physical body react and you jumped at the very sound of his voice at your back.

“Papa…” you whispered the endearment with every ounce of meaning behind it. You hoped he understood what you were trying to say without you having to say it, like you often did because sometimes it was just too damn difficult to get the words out. He always knew what it was that you were trying to say but most often than not would he force you to say them aloud because that was his nature and he had a certain way about him…he was a force not to be reckoned with, his rules, or lack thereof, demanded following.

And so, you tried…for him.

“You blame him for it, don’t you?”

It wasn’t what you wanted to say, not even close. Maybe not at all. Perhaps after careful consideration and assessment of all attributes and potential facts and variables all you would come to find was both your greatest fear and worst nightmare: that your Papa had been damned from the start. That he cared for no one, not even you, barely even himself, and that they all hated him for it.

You refused to believe that there was any truth to that sentiment. How could your Father have created your Papa, brought him into this world, taught him what he knew, made him do what he does and then punish him for it? Trying to understand only made your head throb with migraine. Your Papa was a lot of things, but he was not worthless. Long ago had your Father taught you the importance of darkness, to make peace with it, because it was always there. Even when you could not see it, the darkness would lie in wait until it could come creeping back in. You were never rid of it, so might as well befriend it if you could not destroy it.

“You blame Father for how much everyone hates you.”

His lip curled and he let out a snarl, “you’re your Father’s daughter, aren’t you, Erika?”

You ignored the bite that that statement carried, swallowing your nerves, and pressed on, “I’m yours too.”

He gave a snort of laughter, “What aren’t you telling me? Why don’t you say it out loud? Tell me what you want me to know, and I’ll know it.”

Your anger at the request amused him, you could tell, and that was just as well. Your Papa was like that whenever you showed emotion, specifically negative ones. He thrived on it, like drinking down an entire glass of water when one was dying of thirst, he craved that kind of a reaction.

You reached your resolve; everyone was up to something.

The look of impatient boredom on his face was not unknown to you but you never thought it to be directed atyou. Your Papa was invested in this conversation, though he may not look it. Underneath his intense gaze you did not waver. You began to metaphorically put one foot in front of the other and confront years and years of false continuity, accusations and words left unspoken.

‘I can face this…my Mama did.’

Your Mama had not asked him that night, had she? When she had found your Papa lying on the ground in the middle of the night, soaked through with tears and determined that should he lie down in a dirt grave and die on the spot, not a soul would give a damn about it. The notion made you feel sick and you wavered for a moment with blurred vision as though you’d been struck by a great force.

‘This yard is my last prison’ he had said to her then. You could only imagine if it had been. You would not be here if that had been his fate. Did your Papa blame your Father for it? What was worse to think about, did both your Mama and your Father truly hate your Papa? Were you the only one who loved him, wholehearted, for all he was?

It was for this did you feel almost more connected with your Papa than with your other two parents, even though it had no effect on how close you were with them. Your Papa was special to you. You could not imagine a world you would feel safe or comfortable to live in without him and your Mama and Father both knew it.

They did not hate him, did they?

“They had their reasons, Erika,” your Papa’s gentle tone snapped you out of your thoughts; nothing about him was ever gentle and it was disconcerting if he ever was, “there is no blame to pass for how I am perceived. I am who I am and that is all there is to know.”

His words were the seal of approval, desperate words of a cursed man, and you finally released the breath you didn't know you were holding as you simultaneously permitted youtself to be scooped up in one of his hugs. Awkward in theory, unsettling in almost every scenario, it was not too often that he hugged you and it was tight. Had he not been your Papa, never would you allow someone to touch you like this, but he meant you no harm. He was rough by nature, not necessarily by choice. Your Father set him on his path and ever since he had become a source of misery and despair; you did not care what your Papa got up to, so long as he was safedoing it. If that made you equally as horrible, then so be it (you could never be horrible; to think so would be unfathomable.)

“Do you know why I always tell you to say what you mean?” he asked when he let you go, regarding you with the most possibly unreadable expression, but his eyes were black as if they seemed to say, ‘You would not believe a word I say if you knew who was talking to you…’

When you were too overwhelmed to offer a response, he fixed you with another one of his amused expressions and continued, “too many words have been left unsaid. I won’t let that happen again.”

It dawned on you what he meant, what he never said, but instead wrapped his fist around it, thrust it in his pocket and refused to let it go: he was referring to the three of them, your Mama, your Father and himself.

Your Papa always made you say what you wanted to say because the last thing he would ever allow to happen was to repeat the same mistakes that had been made before. It was as if the words had to be said out loudbefore allowing himself the refuge of that sentiment; he was done with emotions being bottled up, words never to be spoken. If your Father or Mama could not put a stop to it, he damn well would.

You reached for his hands and cupped them in yours, a small gesture in the grand scheme of things, but a reciprocation of affection you knew he would appreciate, even if he never said so. You now knew in your heart of hearts what your Papa was trying to say to you. Your Father and your Mama never hated him, only it had taken them some time to learn his ways. It was not proper to act as your Papa did, even if there were positive things about it as well as negative ones. A double-edged sword, as one might call it, or that there were two sides to every coin. Your Father was the light in the darkness, your Papa, the darkness which was illuminated by the light. One could not exist without the other, in metaphor, and in reality.

The subtle signs of your Father’s deterioration had become more and more visible each day and he knew that Mary knew. At first, he had laughed it off when she tried to talk to him, insisting it was nothing; he said he wanted to focus on her instead because that gave him meaning. Whether she had understood what he meant or not remained a mystery, but you were fairly certain that she had, otherwise, they would not have had you.

Your Papa tried to convey it all to you in the only way he knew how; you understood him because, in more ways than one, you were him. You had never been afraid of the dark when your Father had played shadow games with you and showed you how to make ones of your own. It was your turn to befriend that same darkness that followed your Father’s footsteps and you would not disappoint him, for he had taught you that darkness is a part of everyone.

‘How would you say we are related to our shadows?’ he said. ‘If we cast them, are they not always part of us?’

You couldn’t help smiling wistfully whenever your mind conjured his words, unbidden; you loved him for it.

You were forever grateful for him, for your Mama and your Papa, but you knew he was teetering on the edge, and you wanted to be there when he inevitably fell, because it was you who would set him on the right path as you often remembered him doing for you throughout your life. Your Father was there for you at every turn as you now would be for him. Should the words ever be left unspoken, you would speak them, for him and for your entire family.

The truth was, they all loved Edward Hyde, because, after all, he lived in all of them.

A Hint of Magic // Eddie Munson x Erika // word count: 1,037

Summary: A short snippet in the relationship of Erika Reilly and Eddie Munson - two lovers connected and brought together by just a hint of magic.

At last, everything seemed almost too easy. Those warm-hued emotions that cradled your psyche and made you feel like you were floating sent you into an altered state of reality and left you drunk on no more than a feeling, without the dangerous repercussions of hard liquor flooding your system.

You laughed to yourself, struck silly by the way it had all come about, though you could not say why you found the ordeal funny. You had never entertained any idea of what you and Eddie wanted to be, only what you were. It felt strange putting words to it because it had only ever been what it was. Stating more than the obvious was never something you liked to do without certainty that you were not reading more into the situation than was there.

It was one thing to assume, but it was another to put words behind it. The similarities you shared with Eddie were so striking that when presented with them it was enough of a blow to knock the wind from your lungs. You could trust him with this and, if not him, then who? The notion itself made you giddy and you wanted him to repeat those words to you over and over again, reminding you till the end of time that you were his.

"I don’t think ‘boyfriend’ is the right word to call you, Eddie,” you shook your head both to discourage the continued usage of the given title and to clear your addled mind.

He nodded and you could almost detect a sense of pride and appreciation on his face that soon turned to one of mock disbelief and a genuine smile graced his features before his mouth dropped open, “It doesn’t? So, what would you like to call me, then, sweetheart?”

“I don’t know…using the term ‘boyfriend’ makes it sound like we’re still in high school.”

Eddie groaned and shuddered dramatically at the very thought of having to set foot in that cursed building ever again. Even though he had met some of his best friends there, Hawkins high school was the last place he ever wanted to be seen in again for as long as he was alive, “actually, you’re right,” he agreed with you, much to your surprise, “and I don’t think we need a repeat of that.”

"How about we just stick with 'baby'?"

"So, like, I ‘won't let anybody put you in the corner'?

You snorted with laughter, “Eddie Munson, do you secretly watch romance movies?”

“I guess my secret’s out, Eri,” he quipped sarcastically, followed by the most adorable giggle that made his shiny curls bounce.

His fingertips traced patterns on your arm as you lie snuggled next to one another and looked at him as he brushed a few strands of hair away from your eyes. His own pupils were dilated as he looked down upon you with such great affection and love, but you could tell he was waiting for you to continue speaking. There was never a dull moment with Eddie in your life. He had such a vibrant personality, one which you shared so much of a connection that it almost seemed unreal, and you found yourself breathless just from looking at him.

Hearing him refer to himself as your ‘boyfriend’ only solidified this, but the term did not sound right to you. Technically, he was your boyfriend, but you had never thought of him in such simple terms. Eddie was yours, it was true, but all you had ever known him to be was inexplicably and unapologetically himself. That was what initially drew you to him. He did not try to hide what he thought of your peers or of himself, either. He was the sort of person you needed in the past, whether you had realized it in the moment or not. He was also who you needed now and you drew great strength from him.

After a few moments of intense silence, Eddie continued, his tone low and his meaning genuine, "It took meeting you to realize all the things that have been missing from my life."

You laughed again and it carried over to him until you were both rolling around on the bed, effortlessly devolved into childish fits of giggles.

In the midst of your laughter, you heard him say, “I know! Sappy, right?”

Eddie had not profusely confessed his love for you yet, not with words, at least, but with his hands, his eyes, his deeds. He sometimes had no control over those intense, juvenile acts of which almost every young person is familiar but his inherent love language set the precedent for what was sure to follow.

Loud and clear and obvious was Eddie’s way of loving you, like if someone were to shout aloud in a quiet room. A single sentence was more than enough yet also not even close.

How could he tell you the truth when the truth had yet to be written?

You found what he said to be quite funny, because you were laughing harder than you perhaps ever had, but that was because everything seemed so much more intense with Eddie in your life. You felt your emotions with much more vigor and strength, food tasted better, life seemed a bit more vibrant. You understood now that love was much more beautiful when you had someone pure of heart by your side. He was conscious of you, your needs and your goals and he supported you fully every single step of the way.

Eddie fell in love with the way your laugh sounded in his ears. It resonated deep within his heart and a smile grew on his face as a result; you looked so gorgeous whenever you were happy.

For now, Eddie did not need to put any words to what you shared. He knew it in his heart as well as you did that what you had was just a hint of magic and sometimes the lack of an explanation was enough. He never had to fake a persona to appeal to you and vice versa; you were more than enough for each other.

Nothing in life was perfect, but you were damn close.

Next, I have made two aesthetics for you: one with your beloved Arthur/Joker (Because how could I not include him?) and one of us/all the things we did together while you were here🥺 I miss those times so much and I hope this aesthetic captures our time together like a little highlight reel✨

Arthur Fleck/Joker x Erika

Erika and Rose on Holiday

And last but certainly not least, a final note to my darling sister❤️ Merry Christmas, my beloved, and a happy New Year! This year was full of so many chaotic ups and downs, but knowing I exist in the same time and space as you makes life a little more bearable. I love you, darling. Please stay safe and well and take care of yourself - I’m sending so much love your way~

[caspianjames]

Having Young Royals brain rot now about August??? I think he’s often made out to be the villain and he’s really,,,not??? Did he do a shitty thing? Absolutely. Do I think he’s a bad person? Absolutely not. He’s incredibly well written and I think in a lot of ways he’s very easy to empathize with. Here’s why.

That kid has pretty much everything going against him. Canonically he’s what? 17? 18? His dad is dead, he clearly doesn’t have a good relationship with his mom or stepdad, he’s clearly never had a safe space to process his dads death and work on recovering, he’s relying on stimulants to get through school, the girl he likes decides to date him but only cuz she can’t get his cousin, he has virtually no caring adults in his life, he’s bankrupt and terrified that the only semblance of normalcy he has left (hillerska) will be ripped out from under him. That kid is a fucking mess and absolutely the consequences of this mean he’s going to lash out. He gives so many warning signs that he’s not doing okay too. But so, to break this down point by point:

1. His dead died in a rather horrific manner, his mom moved on but clearly was not around to make sure that her son was okay. He’s often referred to a stupid or prideful for not wanting to give up part of the family estate so he’s not bankrupt except that’s the only thing he has left of his dad. And it’s not even his fault he’s bankrupt, he’s a kid!

2. Not having a safe space to process his dad dying is sort of visibly a given, but actually to take that one step further I think he DID have a safe space. It was Erik. And then Erik died and this kid truly has nothing, not even Wille because he was more interested in Simon than paying attention to what August was going through (which isn’t Wille’s fault, he hardly knew August and clearly had different values and stuff from august. But watching the show I get the feeling August is really looking to be someone meaningful to Wille and Wille just,,,really doesn’t like him). He said this in a roundabout way to Felice, too, when he was jealous of her relationship with Willhelm. It was something like “you’re my girlfriend, you’re supposed to comfort me so that I can comfort him.” Which I think is a two fold thing where firstly, no one realizes how hard Erik’s death hit him and how much he needs someone to tell him that stuff is going to be alright, but secondly, the last thing we see Erik tell him is to take care of Wille. So now he also feels like he’s failing to do that. And Willie, the one person who he could relate to about Erik, hardly wants anything to do with him.

3. I am SO interested to see where the plot will go with the meds he’s relying on. I don’t think it’s ever actually made clear if he thinks he DOES have ADHD or whether he’s just using the meds to cope but either way it’s a problem that shows he doesn’t have adequate support, you know? Even the school counsellor dude was just like “ok guess ur gonna walk out of my office bye then” instead of altering the headmaster or his parents or a teacher he trusts or ANYTHING. And, as the season progresses he gets more volatile. Why? He’s out of meds (and, whether or not he actually has ADHD and needs meds, that means he’s low on dopamine and is going to start doing stupider stuff to get his brain to reward him). (Side note, given the role ADHD and also substance abuse plays in the series I really, really hope they do both concepts justice)

4. Felice dating him even though she has no interest. No hate to her for that, honestly, I don’t think she was really interested in anyone except making her parents happy with her. She’s under a whole different kind of pressure. But august? He clearly really likes her and is trying hard with her, until everything sort of falls out of his grasp nearer the end of the season cuz he thinks she’s in love with Wille and is otherwise not coping well at all.

SO ALL THAT leads up to him outing Wille, which we see from Wille’s POV but never really from August’s, right? We see Wille yelling at August about how he was supposed to be able to trust him, but honestly I think from August’s POV Wille broke that trust first. We said already that pretty much the only thing August had left going for him was Hillerska, and by extension his friends and community there. When Wille wants them to make Alex take the fall for the drugs to save Simon, he literally exposes August and basically rips that away from him sooner than August is ready for, because now all the boys know that he’s bankrupt. In Wille’s mind it’s not a big deal - it’s a means to an end and he already knows he’s asked his mom to cover August’s tuition. It’s a very calculated but very smart move.

Except that Hillerska is all that August has left, and in a sense, Wille takes that away from him. Can you imagine how horrible that would feel for August from someone he trusted?? And honestly there is nothing more dangerous than someone who has been wronged and feels like they have nothing to lose. You can tell when Sara sees August at the computer. He doesn’t make up a story, he doesn’t care. He just wants to hurt Wille back in the only way that he can regardless of the consequences.

I don’t even think he’s homophobic or anything, either. He took the video initially to make fun of Wille with, and then when he realized what it was he didn’t say anything. But in that moment that was the one thing he had on Wille that he could weaponize because he knew it would be taken badly by the general public. 

And then he gets the call of his tuition being paid and you can see reality crash down around him when he realizes rationally what he’s done.

Anyways. My conclusion is. This poor kid has literally no one looking out for him. Like, not a single person. And that’s what happens, you know? No one does horrible things or irreparable damage to themselves or others on a whim. There’s almost always a build-up of hopelessness or anger that has to overflow first. This is a real life thing. This shit is preventable. And I really, really hope we get to see that with August. I hope we get a redemption, but an honest one. Because no matter what led to his actions, they still have real consequences. I hope the show creates a storyline where we see him getting what he needs from the adults around him while also having to deal with the consequences of his actions. 

[fedonciadale]

Where this last wave of hate at Sansasns came from? From what I've seen, encountered and checked they stay in their lane, not bothering other parts of fandom. It's not like I am pro Sansan, cause I'm not (it's actually makes me sick), but when critisizing ship we don't have to critisize shippers, like? I'm reading on all anti Sansan blogs how shipper of this are awful pedophiles and ones I met were mostly... assault survivors... and it was they way of coping, shipping two characters? (1/2)

(2/2) Let's remember, nonexistant characters. There's also this that they want Sansa to be unimportant, when Sansans I met where first to point out foreshadowing for her queenhood? Yes, they had significantly less than Jonsa have, but still. I actually love your blog because of it. No judging, no calling other shipper mentally ill, just judging text by what it is. I just feel it's unfair, I've returned to asoiaf thanks to few sansan shipping friends and now I read they are "disgusting" 😢

Hi there!

“Ship and let ship” is a difficult concept. Sigh. Yes, I wish, people wouldn’t assume something about other people just because of who they ship. I mean, Jonsas should know that. How many times has the insult “incest supporters” been thrown at us?

I cut Jonsas some slack, because of the way Jonsa shippers are vilified throughout the fandom. Still, that is no excuse to do the same as others do.

Most people have a problem differentiating between canon and fanon. As far as fanon is concerned, shippers should just leave each other be. I really don’t like Sans@n as a ship, but I have it blacklisted and there is absolutely no need to look at anything I don’t want to see. And if something slips through I just ignore it. There is certainly no need to get all riled up about how anyone could ship it. I mean, these people are strangers to me. I have no idea why and how they ship it.

And in regard to canon we should remember that we differ in how we interprete a  work of literature. And it is always possible to come to different conclusions. There is no need to throw names at each other because of that. Literature is read differenly by everybody according to our backgrounds, our experiences, the books we’ve already read.

I still hold to my opinion that it is not possible to like Sansa and wish her well and want her to end up with the Hound, Tyrion or Littlefinger. Nevertheless it is possible to conclude that this will be her ending - it just wouldn’t be a happy ending for her. I think the evidence is weak, but it’s not a crack theory. I just don’t think that GRRM is that dark.

And in regard to fandom history, you are quite right. Sans@n shippers were the first people to actually look closer at Sansa chapters and discover some of the foreshadowing that she’ll be important. They just didn’t go all the way to the logical conclusion (that a Queen would never marry someone from a very minor family).

I had some crazy anons about Sans@n in my inbox once in a while but I think that were mostly people who threw the standard arguments at me, not real shippers but people who ship Sans@n because they think that Sansa won’t come into the way of their Jon ships if she ends up with the Hound.

So, my advice would always be to curate the fandom experience, concentrate on what you like, not on what you hate. If you disagree about an interpretation of literature there is no need to assume anything about the people who differ in their opinions. Judge them personally by how they behave, not by who they ship. I dislike crazy antis in my inbox, not because they dislike Sansa (one of my best friends dislikes Sansa) but because they think they should police me and pester me.

It is definitely allowed though to respectfully show the blatant holes in their arguments, that is the argument not the person after all.

Thanks for the ask and continue to like who you like!

[epicene-humanoid]

some trans Jeff thoughts:

he realized he was trans in elementary school and just went fuck it I'll just start introducing myself as Jeffery and see if anyone decides to stop me (as we know, jeff winger can get away with almost anything)

he got top surgery the second he could afford it (around the same time he started at his law firm), and probably bribed someone to keep it a secret

"I'm jeff winger and i would rather look at myself naked than the women I sleep with" are the words of a man proud of his transition

he's really insecure about his fashion sense, which is why he mostly dresses like the douchey guys at his firm in the start of the show, he thought you can't go wrong with the sleazy lawyer look

he will never admit it but he feels super good about the dean hitting on him, because the dean is a (cis) guy, acknowledging that Jeff is more manly than him

i think he starts out stealth and comes out to everyone one by one, probably starting with abed because he knows abed won't judge him and will probably just see it as an interesting backstory.

abed just says it's cool and maybe worth a prequel exploring Jeff's transition, and jeff asks him to predict how all of the members of the group will react to him coming out.

abed's predictions:

britta will be over-the-top supportive and do a ton of research about trans history, probably put together a slideshow just to prove how progressive she is, and jeff will be a little bit weirded out, but also touched that she did all that for him, though he would never let her know that

shirley will be confused, because she doesn't know how someone she trusts and knows so well could be part of a group she was raised to hate, but ultimately realizes that there's nothing actually against the lgbtq people in the bible, and, as a cool character development arch, starts to advocate against use of the bible to justify bigotry

troy will just think it over and decide that Jeff's physique and coolness are even awesomer knowing how much work he'd had to put in to be like that, and respects Jeff's manliness even more

annie will give him a hug, say something sweet about how she'll always love him, and worry about his health, because even she read somewhere that taking testosterone makes you more likely to have a heart attack, jeff will explain that the risk is still only as high a cis guy, and she'll be the one to always remind him to take his shots

peirce will say at best say "jeff winger used to be a chick?" and at worst call him a slur, either way there's sure to be a lot of misgendering from him, and pestering to know Jeff's deadname (needless to say, Jeff just doesn't tell peirce)

the whole group goes out of their way to keep their beach trips a secret from pierce (the girls don't want him there anyways, he's too liable to be creepy) even though jeff knows that even if pierce saw his scars, all he would have to do is make up a story about some childhood accident and pierce would never question it

sorry this ended up being super long. can I hear some of your headcanons for him?

YES ALL THIS!!! yes yes i’m fully accepting this as canon oh my god

i’m about to type a whole ass ESSAY at midnight because i have been DYING to talk about this for months ajfdksljk,,, this is going to be obscenely long and i might end up adding even more to it as i continue to rewatch the show because there is truly no shortage of trans jeff content (especially when you’re trans and see transness in every little thing ajdkslfkjs)

spoiler warning for literally everything about this show under the cut <3

i 100% agree, i feel like he realized he was trans super young, especially since in the show we see him as a little kid a couple of times. 

like look at little jeff with the oversized sweatshirt and little ponytail!! that’s childhood trans fashion. not to be dramatic but part of me thinks that jeff’s dad left before he fully came out to his family (which gives him even more angst about it, because until that one Thanksgiving episode, he’s never able to prove to his dad that he’s a better man), but part of me thinks that his dad left after he came out (which adds that spicy i-should-have-stayed-in-the-closet guilt that he has to work through). 

either way, because his dad wasn’t there, he had to base his concept of masculinity on something else, which was becoming a lawyer!! there’s some line that’s like “after the dust and divorce papers were settled the only man i looked up to was [the lawyer guy]”. like, replacing your father figure in your mind with the concept of “a job where you can talk your way in and out of anything and distort other people’s concept of reality”? that’s trans.

 and the fucking THANKSGIVING EPISODE... i struggle to watch it without crying hehe <3 yeowch! the dichotomy of willy jr. being the “wrong” kind of man because he’s “too soft” but jeff also not being enough despite adhering to all the social standards of masculinity... fuck!! this whole scene of him telling his dad “i am Not well adjusted” and talking about how he gave himself an “appendix surgery scar” when he was a kid and he still keeps the get-well-soon letters from his classmates under his bed? oh my god. the implication of people loving him not despite his scars but because of them?? trans. i can’t think about this episode for too long or i’ll start yelling.

OH and this scene? where he talks about how his mom got him a girl costume for halloween?? and everyone said “what a cute little girl” and after a few houses he stopped correcting them?? and “once the shame and the fear wore off, i was just glad they thought i was pretty”?? THAT’S TRANS... the man needs validation oh my god... and then in all the halloween episodes we see he has these ultra-masculine costumes (a cowboy, David Beckham, one of the fast and furious guys even though he never watched the movies, a boxer with his DAD’S boxing gloves... god) costumes are about becoming something else and he always chooses to be hypermasculine and that is trans.

THE PHYSICAL EDUCATION EPISODE!!!!!!! being uncomfortable during P.E. is a queer experience. period. but him being specifically uncomfortable in the clothes someone else is assigning to him? trans. “are we gonna talk about clothes like a girl? or use tapered sticks to hit balls around a cushioned mat like a man?” TRANS. and him eventually stripping in public? celebration of transness. and the fact that he eventually becomes comfortable in both the uniform and his own style!! trans!! god i love this episode. 

AND AND AND!!! the gay dean coming out episode!!! where it’s the three of them discussing the best way for the dean to come out as gay despite not entirely identifying with that label!! so we have both frankie and the dean who are sort of ambiguously queer, and jeff who’s a stealth trans man who’s probably only out to only the study group at this point. this scene where the dean and jeff have this like eyebrow communication while frankie is talking is just so cute. queer-to-queer communication. “I am so curious” “oh?” “intellectually.” “oh...” ajfdksljfk this scene just screams high school GSA to me and i love it so much.

and SPEAKING of the dean!! i totally see you on that. i feel like jeff has some internalized homophobia/biphobia (like he’d throw punches over someone else, but when it comes to himself he has a lot of shame). and also seeing the dean so confident in all his different outfits/costumes has a weird affect on him bc it’s like “okay, the dean, a cis guy, can do that, but i as a trans guy could Not because that’s Breaking the Rules”. which, like, throwback to the halloween thing. of course there’s no right way to be masculine, but mr. winger does not know that.

another thing!! the episode where their emails get leaked? that includes his emails with his therapist. fuck!! he was outed to the whole world in that episode!! no wonder he was so fucking angry!! this whole episode (and really any time he mentions his therapist) is so interesting when you think about them as a person he talks to about his transition. OH which adds to the thing with the dean!! “and you told your therapist you wanted to be alone this weekend” and “not you jeff, i know you’ll be visiting your dad” ”I told you to stop reading my emails”. luckily his study group has his back and just makes fun of him for emailing astronauts lmao

and WHO can forget “they’re giving out an award for most handsome young man!!!!” what else is there to say about this line besides: he’s trans. you know he didn’t get awarded enough for being a handsome young man when he was a kid, and no amount of compliments when he’s fully-grown can really make up for that. some people crash a kid’s bar mitzvah to cope with the fact that they struggled to be seen as themselves when they were a teenager <3

also his weird relationship with pierce? where he kind of hates him (understandably lmao) but at times has this almost-friends-almost-father-son relationship with him? especially in this episode where he’s forced to bond with him and ends up having a good time by accident (at a barber shop no less, the perfect place to Be A Man with your Man Friend). idk what to say about him besides the fact that pierce says his mom wanted a girl when he was born and made him dress like a girl (and his middle name is anastasia!) so if they’re gonna do any bonding over transness it’s gonna be that. 

okay one last thing and then i’ll shut up for the night. this episode kills me (and almost kills jeff hahahahelpi’mcrying). it’s a very Trans thing to not be able to visualize your future self, it just is. growing up trans at the time he did? i don’t know what kind of future he saw for himself, but i’m so happy that he ended up with a group of friends who became his family and love him the way they all do. i’m so emotional over this asshole it’s ridiculous. 

in conclusion:

they’re trans, your honor <3

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

fine line - a close reading

gonna cry bc i’m at the end, gonna cry bc it’s fine line.

(x x x)

want to give the same disclaimer as with lights up: this song is so layered, so multi-faceted, that i could never hope to give an exhaustive analysis. due to its vagueness and openness for interpretation, i assume that everyone, just like me, has their own ideas about it and has attached importance to it in ways that no one else’s words can or should alter. this song means the world to me for reasons that aren’t necessarily in this post, and that’s how it is with art that touches us deeply. i’ve tried my best to pull it apart, lay it bare, spread it open, if you will, so it’s almost as free as it can be for you all to form your own opinion on it. in the synthesis i will make my own conclusions, but feel free to ignore that if yours are totally different. i’m just one set of brain and heart taking in fine line and projecting whatever i think is right onto it. alright, let’s go

fine line, track 12

sung in falsetto

live version at the form: first verse not sung in falsetto - after first chorus goes into falsetto - like “thinking of her” has summoned her

live version at the form: first verse not sung in falsetto - after first chorus goes into falsetto - like “thinking of her” has summoned her

Put a price on emotion

pouring emotions into the art you create: how much is genuine / how much do you show - line between being authentic to your audience and giving away too much, wanting to keep things to yourself and not feeling truthful with what you’ve written

exploits of the industry: lay your soul bare - or the exact opposite, some pretend emotion - to score that hit

I'm looking for something to buy

cynical. emotions aren’t genuine, right? where can i go buy some?

～ lights up themes. fake life, industry, being a sell-out

You've got my devotion

But man, I can hate you sometimes

“you” = career, music, Harry Styles™. devoted to the craft, to the job, all the ups and downs of it, despite the hardships it brings 

“man” is deliberate: can be seen as an offhand interjection, like “man, that’s rough”, but nothing is casually placed in this song. “man” is: The Man, the heads in the industry, the people pulling the strings. The man in Harry, the man he’s been in the media all these years, the part he’s played/had to play, the man that’s in him

⟶ “hate you”: hate for industry shit, self-hate created by having to play pretend (～ only angel analysis, the persona of the Bukowski womaniser)

“sometimes” - it’s not fucked up all the time

“you” could also be a lover, but the sudden “hate” there then would be for that person, which is absent in any other song about them, doesn’t make any sense

I don't want to fight you

And I don't want to sleep in the dirt

like there’s a choice to me made, but he doesn’t want to make it: either I fight this “you” or I sleep in the dirt

“you” as the industry: if he doesn’t fight them, he might end up being a beggar, lose all his self-worth bc he gave in to everything they asked/told him to do

“you” as himself: fight your instincts, part of who you are/the persona. if he doesn’t fight to figure himself out, though, he fears he’ll also lose

“sleep in the dirt” as a sense of rejection, as well

We'll get the drinks in

So I'll get to thinking of her

drinks to cope - falling, only angel, from the dining table - or to be braver and confront emotions better - tbsl

who is “we”? who is “her”?

narrative of “you” as “lover” further disproven: if “I” and the lover get together over drinks and “I” starts thinking of “her”?

⟷ “her” could be the lover, but then who is “you”? the industry? some other person, besides that lover, harry is devoted to? multiple lovers, all of a sudden? no.

⟶ “I” and “you” are all harry, that get to thinking of “her” because she is in daydreams with him. the narrative that harry is fighting a part of him, the persona he has (had) to play bc of industry limits, makes most sense. that persona is within him now, and part of his work, but all of him, “we”, is begging to come into the light - of which she is a huge part

We'll be a fine line

balancing act. let everything coexist but pay attention that those lines don’t get crossed the wrong way. what we are, what i am, is a fine line between what makes us go under and what lets us thrive

we will be: determination to fulfil this prophecy, statement of fact “we always will be”

“we’ll be a fine line”: other way of interpreting it is that on both sides of that line is what entails “we”, all that is harry. what merges on that fine line is where it’s just right, when harry is fully himself in every way

“fine line” can also be an echo of criticism, bigotry, in the style of: it’s a fine line between being simply flamboyant and queer, between dressing like that and people thinking you’re a transvestite or summat (cause we wouldn’t want that, now, would we) - “we’ll be a fine line” could be owning all of it. putting himself in the middle of all those messy lines, as someone queer without a category

Test of my patience

patience with himself - kindness to self - took a long time to figure shit out and it was a challenge

waiting for change: industry and its allowances/openness

There's things that we'll never know

my favorite line

“we” = harry / harry and company / us in general, all of us listening 

～ tpwk “i don’t need all the answers”: deep sense of acceptance

peace to be found in accepting this!!

You sunshine, you temptress

“sunshine” - as in all the love songs (blue skies, sunflowers, summer days…): lover - possible that there are multiple “you”s in this song?

sunshine could ofc also be directed at the temptress, still

female “temptress” - “i’ll get to thinking of her” - she - it’s tempting for harry to think of her all the time, to lose himself in the “her” in him

other interpretation for “temptress”: woman he knows with negative influence in his life - resemblance to woman “you flower, you feast”, so echo of Bukowski ～ only angel, kiwi (my sunshine, my love, who is involved with this temptress…)

My hand’s at risk, I fold

⟷ tpwk “dropping into the deep end”

not showing his cards just yet / forfeits

anxious to show all of him, to take the chance, with all the risks and consequences involved

Crisp trepidation

I’ll try to shake this soon

nervousness, anxiety - about (not) taking (enough) chances, (not) laying himself bare (release of the album that reveals much more than before)

“crisp” fresh, this feeling is unfamiliar - change is coming “soon”

sense of agency: I can get rid of this feeling by my own volition and make these changes - hesitant, insecure: “try”

wants to be braver. he’s not going back, but still needs to calmly coax himself further and further into the light, out into the open (“we’ll be alright”)

Spreading you open

Is the only way of knowing you

(can anyone else hear “spread thin” like a whisper under “spreading”? or am i imagining things.)

“you” is back - the only way of knowing “you” is to spread them open - the physical

to spread someone open - very literal, don’t need to paint the picture, or to lay bare, to lay it all out 

⟶ “you” as himself - the only way of knowing who i am is by doing this: writing this album, performing these songs, letting others listen in and form their own interpretations, let this world grow where i’m laid bare and OPEN and exist as this person who has issues, who is angry, who doesn’t know who he is a lot of the time, but is still so happy to be here - let it spread and let it all circle back to me so i can grow deeper into myself

We'll be a fine line

We'll be alright

“we” = h & self, h & lover, h & fans

collectiveness from tpwk

(notes on a piano sounding like drops, like he’s emerged from the water and dripping dry)

SYNTHESIS

Everything about this song is plural. Personal pronouns are all over the place. I, you, her, we. The sound is incredibly layered, with Harry’s own voice echoing through its verses like he’s singing to himself in an empty cave. Meanings can be attached to every word like it’s a wax tablet used too many times. What Harry has said in interviews for once holds pretty true to the actual meaning, in my opinion. 

“It felt like it described to me the process of making it and how the album felt in terms of the different kinds of songs on it.” (Capital FM)

This can mean a lot of things, and I think it means all of the things, of course. It means Fine Line is a summary of all of his emotions he visited on the album, of the things he’s laid bare. And it means that the actual process was also described, as one that can be frustrating and challenging, with added industry shit. 

Harry has expressed straightforward gratefulness to his label for "leaving (him) alone” while making the album and that speaks volumes. This time, he had the chance to make his art without the constant interference of a label, which meant he could weave in criticism as well. “Put a price on emotion” is first and foremost a critique on the industry. It’s the first line of the song, setting the tone for the interpretation of this song is about the risks I took while making this album. It involves criticism on an industry that creates such an atmosphere that only a certain type of music and artist breaks through or can be successful, that limits people in their personal expression. Convinces them that it’s better that way. That it’s better to hide who they love because the general public won’t accept them. That it’s better to create a song about a fake emotion than be honest. Harry loves writing songs and being on stage, but it’s taken a while for him to be fully comfortable there as a solo artist and bloom into the person that could make Fine Line. He loves his career, but it’s also limited his freedom in ways beyond our comprehension, and it’s exploited him to the point where he didn’t know who he was, in ways that have clearly taken a toll on his mental wellbeing. To a point where he finishes this album reassuring himself, most of all, that everything will be alright.

That process of making Fine Line obviously includes Harry confronting emotions he hadn’t before. He has stated that he experienced the highest highs and the lowest lows while making it. There are things he hates, he was fighting but doesn’t want to (anymore), uncertainties he was trying to figure out but had to accept he couldn’t, risks he still doesn’t know he can take without shaking. At the centre of it all is this sense of “knowing you.” The different personal pronouns in the song paint a fractured picture, which is ultimately deliberate. That the “you” Harry is devoted to and can hate sometimes doesn’t line up with “her,” that the end focus does seem to be this “you” that is mentioned in the same breath as “man” and “temptress,” forming the “we” together with “I”. 

After having songs like Lights Up, She, Falling and even TPWK, one of the central themes on the album has undoubtedly been self-discovery, in all its pain and glory. There are no female pronouns on the album besides, obviously, in She, and then here, in Fine Line. She is about a man living with a woman “just in his head”, who “sleeps in his bed while he plays pretend.” It is very clearly a trans narrative, the story of someone struggling to put into words what they’re experiencing in terms of gender. To a point that they fantasise about running away. Fine Line brings the ideas of knowing what it all means, which Lights Up kicks off (“do you know who you are?”), Falling deepens (“what am I now?”) and Treat People With Kindness turns on its head (“I don’t need all the answers”), together. Harry is still doubtful, and the questions asked earlier in the album haven’t disappeared, but he has accepted that “some things we’ll never know.” His aim, however, is still “knowing you.” 

To have Fine Line, as the summary of these emotions of self-growth and self-discovery, echo that one female pronoun, speaks volumes. It is a direct reference to She, to that story about gender. “Her” in this song refers to “she (who) lives in daydreams with (him).” The one who still only fully comes out when they’ve had a drink. The one he’s still working to include in who he is, as he tries to figure out who he is, all of it. The song where he sings in falsetto, just like on Fine Line. Of which he sang the first verse an octave lower live at the forum, switching between those voices, those perspectives. That’s also why “you” in this song is also Harry to me. We get this fractured sense of self, this “I” and “you” conversing over a drink, this “you” Harry is devoted to and wants to figure out. “You” and “I” form “we” and all of them are Harry. The lines are blurry on purpose, there is no way to figure out where “you” ends and “I” begins. 

“You sunshine, you temptress” is the most enigmatic line in that respect, and to me blurs those lines even more between the pronouns. “You” is suddenly also identified by a female noun. And no this isn’t about some kind of love triangle. “Sunshine” aligns with all the odes to his lover in the rest of the album. So what does that mean? That there are multiple “you”s in this song, meaning that Harry is addressing both his lover and a temptress? So “her” he’ll get to thinking of, the only other female pronoun used in the song, is identified as a temptress, but tempting to do what? To take risks? And no I won’t forget the “man, I can hate you sometimes,” where "man” is not a casual interjection but an identifier of “you.” 

Or is it an echo of “the light” from Golden’s “bring me back to the light” and Light’s Up’s “step into the light”? So that the “sunshine” symbolises being in the clear, being out of the darkness running through his heart, the darkness caused by not knowing who you are. “You sunshine,” you beacon of light. “You temptress,” risk-taker and source of anxiety. You, one I need to spread open to figure out, to know about, source of happiness and despair, one I’m devoted to but also hate. You, man, you, temptress. You there, in the mirror looking back at me. 

All of you, and myself included, we’ll be a fine line. And we’ll be alright.

This song is about all of that. The self in art, the self on its own, the other, the journey, the chances, the fears, the passion. Hope. Reassurance. Confidence. And, most importantly, that everything will be alright in the end.

x

read all my lyric analyses here

[polyfrogsadorer]

Hello!!!! I'd very much like to hear your thoughts and analysis on Kent Parson and Taylor Swift because 1) 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀 Kent brainrot 2) 👀👀 music/character parallels 3) 👀👀👀 it sounds so cool so in conclusion please grace us with your thoughts on him and Lover (if you wanna obviously no pressure!!!!!!). ~kentsparsons

hi friend! I am happy to share my thoughts and I'm glad people are interested!

however a quick jam has anxiety disclaimer: pls nobody get mad if u disagree or don't like this !! these are mostly based on my personal headcanons and interpretations of both the characters and music so if it does not make sense to you it's okay but pls be kind ty <3

this ended up being kinda long lol the brainrot is real

okay so in general: i've always been obsessed with the way taylor described lover as like using a romantic lens to tell many stories like sad, happy, messy, insecurity, all of it can be romantic in some way. and maybe i'm projecting (disclaimer: a lot of how i view kent parson is probably projecting) but i think kent EATS THAT SHIT UP, THAT IS HIS VIBE !! Like maybe he's not always the most forthcoming with his emotions but he still feels deeply and has never gotten over anything in his life. There are a lot of connections I personally made between lover songs and kent's story (specifically his past with Jack) and I think he probably finds it very relatable and uses it to Process Big Emotions.

okay, so now i'm gonna go through some of the songs and explain how I think they relate/apply to this hehe:

Cruel Summer: I don't have to say much about this other than HELLO. KENT "I LOVE YOU, AIN'T THAT THE WORST THING YOU'VE EVER HEARD?" PARSON. IT'S LITERALLY HIM !!! also he definitely screams "I don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you" a little extra loud.

The Archer: someone in the tags actually pointed this one out and it's just. aaaaaaaaa this whole song !!! You know he listens to this in the middle of the night staring at the ceiling "who could ever leave me darling, but who could stay?" angsting about the past or about new/future relationships or both.

Soon You'll Get Better: okay for this one basically just: "and I hate to make this all about me. but who am I supposed to talk to? what am I supposed to do? if there's no you?" :((((

Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince: it seems kind of random this is the one that really sells it for me !! This reminds me of Kent and Jack so much I just :((( in this song taylor uses the all-american high school sweethearts romance trope to conceptualize her struggles with the increasingly terrible reality of the american narrative and being a public figure in this reality, in my mind this can easily relate to Kent and Jack's relationship and their early hockey careers. I feel like Kent had this very idealized view of his relationship with Jack. Even if he knew realistically it wasn't the case, he dreamt of them as the It Couple where they end up a super successful nhl stars with all the fame and glory and love. But then that idea is sort of shattered by the reality of the hockey world and homophobia and public opinion and the resulting mental health issues. Kent can relate to this sort of conflict of having/holding onto an idealized perspective while coping with all the bad stuff. Though it's quite metaphorical, I think he sees himself a lot in the narrative of this song and idk he just Gets It. I am probably not explaining it right but aaaaa I could make a whole song fic about this really lol.

okay i was gonna analyze more but this is already so long so here are the other lover songs I think Kent relates to/just likes a lot: death by a thousand cuts, false god, i forgot that you existed, and cornelia street.

It's so hard to make all of this make sense in words, I wish I could like bluetooth connect y'all to my brain so you could see what happens in there when I listen to these songs, but hopefully this somewhat coherent!

and as a bonus here are some other taylor songs i headcanon that kent relates to (there are probably more but off the top of my head): the way i loved you, come in with the rain, all too well (ofc), the lucky one, forever winter, the 1, cardigan, my tears ricochet, tolerate it, cowboy like me, right where you left me.