#i have trauma im working through

[hellt00th]

I really don't mind ace astarion headcanons bc it DOES work with his character, after he's had time to figure out what his preferences are but I need yall headasses to stop saying he said he's ace.

What he ACTUALLY said is he doesn't know how to be with someone, no matter how much he'd like to be. WILDLY different than saying he's ace. He's got severe ptsd when it comes to sex and having sexual trauma does not equate to being ace automatically. At best thats incredibly belitting, and at worst its outright homophobic bc you're erasing someone's identity because they have trauma they haven't processed/healed from.

[pinkd3mon]

I can respect the hater mentality

[yuckydraws]

(Click for better quality)

Healing & Growth

(gif made by my friend @robanilla-arts is below - slight warning for flashing! Thanks again, Rob!)

[dent-de-leon]

Kingsley needs time in the spotlight. We don't know anything about how he's doing during the solstice. Is he having visions? Nightmares? I wish he was talked about and included more.

aHH yes I feel the same definitely!! ; ; Every incarnation of the Circus Man is very dear to me, and I would love to see more Kingsley. We just got him for so little time, and he's so fascinating and such a love letter to how far the Nein were willing to go to save Mollymauk's soul ; ; It does make me sad that he's the only one of the Mighty Nein we didn't get to see yet, but I am hopeful that maybe we'll finally get to spend some time with him soon!

Also, the fact that the novel ends with defining Kingsley as Molly and Lucien both shaking hands, deciding to both come back together and try again...it's just so very sweet and cathartic to me, a transformation and rebirth, a miracle that amazed even one of the gods. A life born out of love.

And there's just so many fascinating directions his story can go! And so many interesting threads that potentially connect him to Rudius to me?? I mean, I still can't get over the fact that Molly was "born" in the Savalirwood, ground zero for Ludinus' first "communion" with Predathos; this cursed, corrupted forrest where restless spirits still roam. Not only that, in the comic he very much appears to be?? Born on a Ruidus flare?? If that's really the case, then...that's definitely something??

In another life, Tealeaf was warned never to trust other fortune tellers who use an "Oracle of the Red Moon"--a deck that mirrors and mocks the Moonweaver's, cards meant to manipulate and mislead, bring nothing but misfortune and misery to others. I can't help but feel like there's something very interesting there, that Molly was maybe the only one of all the Nein to be raised with superstitions about the red moon...Wonder if it would still make some part of Kingsley a bit unnerved to go there, even just subconsciously...

And even if Molly wasn't really Ruidusborn, we know that he/Lucien were fate touched. Thinking about how...it took a fate touched champion of the gods to power Ludinus' weapon. How it must feel to be a fate touched soul when everything Ludinus is doing is to sever the threads of fate and all connection to the divine. Would a part of him feel those bonds breaking, on some level?

And with all kinds of ancient arcane prisons breaking all over the world, I really can't stop thinking about how Kingsley spent years waking from nightmares about a primal scream and black chains. If Tharizdun has grown more powerful since the start of the solstice, do those dreams get worse? Does Kingsley have nights where he wakes still screaming? Or perhaps he has other dreams? Tealeaf, who was saved by the Moonweaver in every life--dreamed of her in every life--does he see her again one night, asking him for help?

Kingsley Tealeaf is born of both the Nein's love and a Divine Intervention of the gods. He's someone who's soul was found and cradled by the Moonweaver in every lifetime. Does a part of him feel indebted to the gods for that? Or perhaps it's just that he still loves the Moonweaver, sees her as something of an old friend? Would protect her the same as the Nein, because that's what you do for family?

There's just so many interesting directions you could go for Kingsley's reaction to the solstice, I think whatever Taliesin--and perhaps Robbie--decide to do would be just fascinating :') Also, I think it will be very fun if we get to see Robbie play King for the Nein episodes and I'm all for it, especially with how excited Tal was about it. But I do still miss seeing Taliesin as Mr. Tealeaf and hope he still plays him again someday too ; ;

[dreamwinged]

i need to stop living in fear and assuming ppl will get super mad at me for things that are like. normal

[atoltia]

thinking about march and my oc, sandra, and their ages like

i hc march to be around 26? and sandra is 30 and im like do i age her down to maybe like 28 or something? and then my brain said "ryis and olric gets to tease him about going after older women" and i think i reached enlightenment y'all

[bluejaybytes]

Best thing about having been born into a cult is that I get to drop that as a fun fact onto people with no warning as the worlds most insane icebreaker. I'm openly gay and autistic and all around everything a JW isn't so it's REALLY funny to be like "Oh by the way I grew up in a cult!" and they're like. No you weren't. and I get to be like. AHAHA. YES I WAS. I HAVE PROOF. and I do. The worst part is the everything else

[sulevinen]

i feel so fucking stupid because it took me two months to recognise that i had trauma which is fuckin wild considering what i have been doing for two months trying to get through it💀💀💀

[good-beanswrites]

I already brought this up, but for quicker reference:

Order of Attack: Mahiru nightmare sequence about Kotoko's attacks. Gotta round out the guilty trio.

Feel free to not prioritize this. :D

LISTEN, I CAN'T BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE ANGST THAT YOU REQUEST (<- made myself sad over Mappi and worries I may be in trouble for this one). Obligatory "I don't hate Kotoko and think she's very complex but from these character's pov I had to make her solely scary I'm sorry." And of course I was prioritizing this 👀👀👀 I really loved your nightmare sequences, I tried to make one that completed the set but was still unique!! Thank you for the request >:3

TW for referencing her bf's suicide, and descriptions of the attack injuries

“Aw, come on, you can tell me~” Yuno turned her attention away from where she’d been helping Mahiru with dinner. “Both Fuuta and Amane have had nightmares about her. Hell, I’ve had a nightmare or two about her. I won’t think you’re a mean person for admitting it.”

“I’m not lying,” Mahiru insisted. Her lips rounded into a little pout.

Yuno studied her expression. The girl had a way of really looking at someone when she wanted to. Sometimes it was a wonderful feeling – her gaze could be full of understanding, warmth. You were seen. You were heard. She saw you for all that you were. 

But in times like these, Mahiru found herself shifting under the pressure of it. Yuno was truly seeing her. She could see how Mahiru’s smile was frozen in its forced shape these past few weeks. She could see the way she flinched at loud noises, or how all the blood drained from her face when Kotoko’s voice echoed from the room next door. In waking, there was no doubt Mahiru was afraid of her. In sleep, though…

Yuno took her hands in both of hers.

“Then… what do you dream about?”

—

Mahiru was in the woods. She was running, her feet bare, her breath hitching. 

At first, she thought she was fleeing something. Danger and death loomed around her. The trees closed in. The canopy plunged her into darkness. The branches reached out to tear at her flowered dress, or snag on her hair. The trees pressed close to suffocate her. She grabbed at her throat. 

At some point, it became clear she was running towards something. A figure came into her view, just ahead. Though he didn’t appear to be running, she couldn’t catch up to him. She had to. He was in danger. She had to get to him. She had to stop him. 

He entered a clearing up ahead. Mahiru could just barely see into it. She tried to scream out, begging him to stop, but no words came out of her wheezing mouth. She could stop everything, she could stop all of this, if only –

She burst through the clearing. The figure, now a young woman, stood in the center. She faced away. 

Mahiru tried again to tell Kotoko to stop, but it didn’t matter whether or not she could speak, now; it was too late. 

On the ground below, between tree roots and scattered leaves, lay two small bodies.  

Mahiru’s hands flew to cover her mouth. Her legs grew weak with horror. There was blood everywhere, and bones bent at wrong angles. Fuuta’s limbs were twisted and limp. Amane had curled herself to cover her face, blood streaming from between her fingers.

 Kotoko, too, had red-stained hands. She surveyed her work with pride.

“What… have you done…?”

Slowly, Kotoko turned. Mahiru wanted to turn around and run before those bloodthirsty eyes could land on her. Her legs stayed frozen in place even as her heart raced in her chest. 

Kotoko met her gaze. Then, she gave a gentle smile.

“Thank you.”

Mahiru stumbled back a few steps.

“You let this happen.” 

“No…”

“You did. You could have stopped this, but you didn’t. Thank you.”

“I-I didn’t –! This isn’t – ! I thought –”

“You knew this was going to happen.” She spoke a familiar name, and Mahiru shook her head violently. “You knew what he was planning. You had plenty of chances to stop him. You didn't. You knew what I was planning. You know how to calm people down, how to bring groups together. But you didn’t speak to me once about it. You wanted this to happen.”

“I didn’t!” She said it frantically, unsure if she was trying to convince Kotoko, the two beaten prisoners, herself, or someone else. “I didn’t.” The statement was true, but it didn’t change anything that Kotoko had said.

The forest closed in. Kotoko reached a hand out, beckoning to her.

“We make a good team, don’t we?”

“No…” 

Mahiru was struck with the thought that she didn’t want to take hold of such a disgusting hand, only to glance down at her own. They were just as slick with blood. She let out a shriek.

It was Amane’s. It was Fuuta’s. It was his. 

Mahiru’s legs finally gave out on her. When she looked up, Kotoko was still smiling.

“So… who will be next?” 

—

Mahiru slipped away from Yuno’s grasp. 

“Oh, don’t you worry about little old me!” She turned back to their work. She brushed her hands off on her apron, giving them an extra swipe for good measure. “I promise, Kotoko isn’t the villain in my dreams.”

[mae-i-scribble]

orv epilogue spoilers below

I'm having thoughts about the 0th round and the inclusion of Lee Seolhwa and Yoo Joonghyuk's marriage. I've encountered a decent amount of people dissatisfied with it- some for how it feels too little too late for Lee Seolhwa as a character, which is completely fair. She's one of those unfortunate characters introduced as having a major role and then subsequently sidelined in the madness, save for a few little moments. Her being married to YJH definitely can come off as an afterthought, and I really do wish we had seen more of her, bc what we see of her and of them is lovely. There's also a common thing I see in fanworks featuring her where she's either turned into someone toxic, they were always just friends, or she's in a wlw relationship- out of these only the first one is enough to make me actually dislike the writing choices, but there is a pattern of people gently ignoring their relationship in fanworks in favor of shipping YJH with someone else (hsy and kdj mostly). Which is understandable in au's in particular bc I get it, most people like having their ships only navigate around each other- though I still think that them as exes who remained close friends is the peak dynamic.

However, speaking of ships, I think her marriage to YJH is actually so so important for joongdok canonically- and loved what they were doing the first time I read it. Just because Yjh and Kdj's dynamic is not canonically tied up as a romance does not make it any less meaningful or impactful- and in my opinion does the exact opposite. Because what 0th round is doing is showing that yjh and kdj's relationship is one not constrained to mere romance. What they mean to each other, the importance they each have to the other's life, its something so much more grand than that. Having that deep interpersonal connection play out around YJH's marriage is bolded proof of that. And I love it- I love relationships that arent confined by "normal" standards of love and happiness. While I don't blame anyone for coming away with a romantic interpretation of yjh and kdjs interactions (those lines do be kinda spicy) honestly i think 0th round says more about how yjh and kdj's sense of self is so intertwined with the other that they cannot exist without it. (kdj literally saying 'i am yjh' as a coping mechanism, using yjh's story to survive. yjh's existence as a character and how he seeks to find out who he is beyond that, and how no matter where he goes on that journey, kdj is influencing him and guiding him).

[weafurry]

ykw tumblr gets me gushing about this too. SUMMER SCHOOL CLASSES OFFICIALLY DONE!!

Im so fucking happy man . this is genuinely the first time since MIDDLE SCHOOL that I've gotten through an entire school year without failing a single class. if all goes according to plan i start school back up in august and graduate in december of 2024 :)

[widevibratobitch]

omw to play emotional support for my mom disguised as ✨fun family bonding time✨ for the rest of the week <3333 there's something so deeply wrong with me uwu teehee

[yeba]

happy 4 years since I've posted a fanfic!

[unheavenly]

꒰ა ໒꒱

[weareweirdpeople]

Oh god why the physical discomfort is happening again. Why is it so tiring to walk or do anything. No matter how much I sleep, I'm still tired. I manage my diabetes well. Why does my body just make existing feel bad.

[stormratyaps]

tw: ableism (as a general topic, not a specific event), brief mention of examples of ptsd symptoms

one thing im passionate about is how most education systems are ableist. one way I experience this ableism myself for example is by the teachers not including trigger warnings in their course before they assign or show material in class. Am NOT saying do not teach about these topics. Am saying if you show triggering material to students who suffer from (C)PTSD, they will experience symptoms including dissociation, depression and suicide ideation, decline or inability to focus or concentrate, memory loss (they may forget every thing else that was thought in the lecture also) and all these things are not only dangerous to the individual and disruptive to their live, but also makes them unable to study or work on the assignments. this is why it's ableist, bcs it means pushes ppl out of education and denies them same ability to learn as others.