#i have too much mental illness. id like to get rid of it please

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

I forgot that medicines have side effects :(

[rotten-away]

Disclaimer: ed, body dismorphia (i think?), sex, abuse

Just a little dump of my thoughts rn

-- can anyone tell me how you can hide a part of your post so u have to click on it to actually read it, please? QQ--

I wonder why "making love" is a thing

Why is it so important for Most people

Maybe it should be for me too but it just isnt

I dont like it, i dont want it

Ofc i felt "the urge" sometimes in my life but id rather distract myself from the thought than doing the actual thing

I really do love my boyfriend, hes such a caring and sweet person. After everything i experienced before hes literally the purest person ive ever known

But, he really likes doing it

I know hes trying to not pressure me into it (Most of the times) but i hate it so much how he gets horny about everything

I feel like shit after a day of school and just want to cuddle for a bit when he gets home - he instantly wants it

He told me he cant change it, he likes doing it and so his thoughts cant get away from it. I know hes still trying his best to not ask too often

But it just feels so bad..

F.e. yesterday, he went to bed earlier than me bc he had to go to work today

He said good night but seemed a bit grumpy so a few minutes later i went after him and just wanted to cuddle so he could fall asleep better

Unfortunately he was horny like immediately and touched my butt etc

I was like 'babe u need to sleep u got work tomorrow' while trying not to start crying actually. Then his mood dropped completely and he was visibly disappointed. This always Happen when i have to say no to him

I try to do it as often as i can for him but since ive been feeling so bad lately i just cant get myself to it. And when i do, it exhausts me mentally so much that i basically have enough for the next 2 months

Idk its not that i hate him touching me, i love it when we cuddle and he wraps his warm arms around me and stuff, but i just cant seem to enjoy this adult stuff...

I have to do it though bc otherwise he wont like me anymore i think. He always Drops jokes about us never having Sex or Shows me some very sus studies that having less than 1 time a week is bad for health or having more than 4 times a week is good for whatever

I think he is deeply disappointed in me and the relationship, bc i do not give him my love the way he wants to

I think hes a very good person, but i am afraid that our needs to not fit together and he will leave me soon

Idk what i can do, i want to give him what he needs but i just feel so sick in this body of mine. I wish i could rip off my skin and fat or cut open every inch of me, ripping out my guts i just want to get rid of my body. So obviously i hate undressing or having someone Touch my disgusting bare skin, i just cant stand it it makes me so anxious

Anyways ill have to take a shower now and pamper my body a little, bc i think i will have to do 'it' today

I hate showering or having to look/Touch my body longer than i have to

It makes me sad though, every relationship i had by now Fell at the point of how often we make love

Everyone left me for it

One did not but forced himself on me, and one day i left him

Everyone else just got bored and disappointed of their girlfriend who doesnt want to do it 24/7

I want to be a kid again, not having to Deal with this

I dont want to feel dirty and disgusting anymore

What we do for love right

Im so sorry for him that he has such a shitty girlfriend like me

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

warnings: extremely negative feelings towards a sibling, distressing / intrusive thoughts. placed under a break due to the content of the message. remember, I'm not a mental health professional.

updated with additional viewpoints from readers at the bottom!

I'm sorry in advance.

I really hate my older sister. She never respects my boundaries, insults me frequently, and is just annoying and hypocritical in general.

I've always had these issues with her, but she lived at her own apartment away from me and the rest of my family, so I've been able to control my hatred of her. But last year in March she moved back in and sold her apartment. She has no plans of leaving anytime soon, and I can't stand her.

We shared a bedroom for about a year because we were also taking care of my cousin who also moved in with us last year. My cousin has since moved out, but my sister is unfortunately here to stay for a couple of years. But with extra space, I was able to move into the spare bedroom and thought that would be the end of my problems.

It wasn't. In fact, she has become even more unbearable. The hardest part of this relationship is that she has a weird obsession with being with me. I'm not sure if this is because she loves me, or she's just weird. I think she's weird because my parents never act like she does.

Our bedrooms are right next to each other. There's really no reason for her to miss me. But every single fucking minute she's coming into my room to bother me. I would have more empathy for her if she acknowledged my limits, but she doesn't.

She's constantly cuddling me after I've said for MONTHS that I don't enjoy it and it makes me uncomfortable. She constantly belittles me by saying I couldn't live without her, and that I would be a mess if it wasn't for her (mind you, I've lived without her at the house for YEARS and I was perfectly fine). She's constantly in my business, interrogating me about every little thing. She once locked the door and wouldn't let me leave the room without answering her questions for 20 minutes; she asked me about a $30 Amazon order containing manga I ordered with MY OWN MONEY. And I had permission for my parents to order it! It wasn't her business whatsoever.

I've tried to keep her out numerous times; I've gotten in trouble for it. My parents say I'm being mean and that this is her way of loving me. What I feel like they ignore is that I'M UNCOMFORTABLE. Her way of "loving me" HURTS.

I've tried communication. I've had multiple meetings with my family about my boundaries and they say they'll change, but they never do.

Another factor that worsens this is that I have borderline personality disorder. I'm currently being denied therapy or intervention of any kind. I get told my mental illness is a result of me having an attitude and hating my family.

I writing this to you because I've been having very alarming thoughts recently. I'm been somewhat suicidal as long as I can remember, but this is different. I've been having nightmares about killing my family/my family killing me. I don't want to kill my family. As much as they have abused me, I know they truly love me deep down. But when I'm in a mental breakdown, I don't think for the most part. I'm afraid I'm going to do something to hurt them if they continue to push me. I'm too scared to turn myself into the police and I don't want to be taken away from my home. I truly need therapy, but it's expensive and I'm not allowed to get it.

Are there any options left for me? I love my family and I want to get better, but I can't stand them. It'll be a while before I can live on my own, and I don't think I'll make it that long.

I'm so sorry.

I appreciate that you came to me, however, please remember I am not a mental health professional.

I do not have the best relationship with my family. I've come to accept that they just exist and I moved away from them. I keep a strict level of familiarity with them for my own sanity and well-being. There are people in my immediate family I don't talk to anymore or only speak to in certain situations, with other people around to buffer my emotions. No one in my family understands or respects my mental health issues and I have ceased talking about it with them.

I will admit, I had to ask for help. I'm going to share the answer of someone I trust, because they are much more level-headed when it comes to something like this.

Use different words with your sister. Instead of "I'm mad or annoyed", use words that bring out more empathy - "You're making me sad and uncomfortable. You're hurting me." Anger is usually perceived as something within you, something you must control. But sadness is usually not perceived in the same light. People usually see sadness as something that has a cause and perhaps letting her know that she is the cause will have an effect on her. Using different words when speaking to her may slowly change her perspective.

When it comes to your parents, well, parents do not usually understand sibling dynamics. They're fucking useless most of the time when it comes to problems specifically between siblings. It might be better if you say something like, "Her constant intrusions are affecting my school work. My grades are going to drop." Usually, parents respond more urgently if you say you education is affected - and it doesn't matter if it's true or not, we're just trying to get them to help in some way.

I had to remind them it's summertime lol

Oh shit, you're right. Er. Well, In any case, it seems you've tried having reasonable discussions with your parents and it doesn't seem helpful to continue discussing this particular topic with them. Maybe get into fitness since it's summertime. Go outside, do something active. She can't cuddle you if you're running, right? Then you can also be stronger and feeling better physically improves mental health. Put some music on, go hiking or running, take yourself out of the situation.

I don't know if this is possible, but perhaps if you're experiencing a mental breakdown and you're afraid of hurting your family, run out of the house? It might be better to be physically away from them at that time to avoid saying or doing anything you regret. It may help clear your head and help your family realize that this is something that is truly debilitating to you.

I don't know your age, so I don't know if the school thing is relevant. It's only a suggestion.

You said it will be a while before you can live on your own. When I knew the cons of living with my family outweighed the pros, I did everything in my power to prepare myself for leaving because I needed a goal in order to survive. I needed distractions, reading, writing, gaming, music, anything else to occupy my mind and help control my thoughts. There was a time when I needed music to fall asleep (headphones in on low volume).

Also... uh.

I'm not saying you should do this. I'm only saying I did.

My siblings and I have physically fought before. One has scars from fighting me. The scarred one is the one closest to me currently.

Not saying you should do it.

But I did.

If anyone feels comfortable enough to share how they dealt with it in their own situation, please do. Maybe more perspectives can help this person.

--

some other experiences sent to me:

anon #1

I don't think I had a situation that extreme but my brother was a little like that. I honestly had to become kinda rude and indifferent. Like he'd always use my laptop and stuff and I put passwords on everything and just don't tell him. And then when he tried to hug or cuddle id say I don't liek it and just push him away physically now this soudns fucking obvious when I say it this way but like I don't think I read that u tried it ? Idk I discovered I have a loud annoying scream that neighbours will hear, and fucking strokg legs I used to kick him away but like I was tiny so I don't really endorse violence but I didnt like being close to a 'boy' essentially at taht age so yea... Idk man siblings are weird and I have had intrusive thoughts so I think I didn't handle it well but for a few years I became an asshole to him and then now I'm good with talking sometimes and I keep it short and sweet and I've mentioned that I'm sorry for being mean in the past bcuz like I am ? Bcuz I'm not an asshole ? ( But like I did what I had to do ) I hope u get the help and support u need

anon #2

I read the message from the previous anon and I have to say I relate to what they say. I wouldn’t say i’ve completely dealt with the situation when it comes to my parents.

I have 4 siblings and i’m the oldest, my sister that’s 2 years younger than me always gets in my way and is a tyrant. Because she’s much taller than me she overpowers me and i also have scars from when we’ve fought. My parents don’t intervene because they say we’ll make up soon and I honestly can’t stay mad at people for long. I also live with my parents and am not able to move out anytime soon until I get my degree.

A few weeks ago my mother was complaining to my father that I don’t help around the house and all that bullshit but it’s obviously not true. Anyway. My father came into my room and threw all my clothes from my cupboards on the floor and said my sister and I must get out of his house. He was literally pulling us and we were crying because where the hell would we go. My smaller siblings were begging for him not to chase us out of the house but he was ballistic. He was constantly throwing insults at me, calling me selfish and disrespectful. I was having a mental breakdown and I said i hope that God takes my life away because i’m too weak to do it myself. I kept saying that and when my parents heard me. They called me crazy and were laughing at me and said i should take it back because instead of me another one of my family members would go.

My parents don’t care about mental health and therapy. It’s all unnecessary to them. But after that night I tried to find my own way of getting rid of the negative thoughts, I choose to ignore what everyone tells me. I agree with everything that you said about trying to get away from their family when they have those thoughts. I try meditation and praying. I’m not sure if that person follows any religion but that’s what helped me. And writing can be cathartic. Also remember that you’re not alone, there are so many people out there who share your sorrows and can relate to your situation. I think about my little siblings who i’m close to and what it would be like if i wasn’t there.

Maybe if they could get a pet? I know having a pet can make you feel less alone and you feel a sense of responsibility towards them. As for their sister, she needs to see their point of view and tell her that she makes her feel overwhelmed with the things she does. She can spend time with her and try to make her understand that they need their space too.

anon #3

I also have sum advice 4 the sibling anon frm a fellow bpd buddy:

Does ur view of ur sister change from "i hate her" to "she's alright" sometimes? Viewing sum1 as all bad or all good is common in bpd ppl and usually changes alot. I rec writing down the moments where she shows she loves u. This could be thru buying smth for u or doing smth 4 u. I had a similar relationship w a friend and this exercise helped me remember that she might not have intentions to hurt me and might b trying 2 bond. Repairing the relationship might take a while. Talk alot if u can, it seems like ur family is at least willing to hear u out, even if there behavior doesn't change much. Keep sum distance if needed. Working out and finding fun hobbies is good.

If u feel like ur breaking down, try breathing exercises n identify 5 things u notice thru ur senses. What do u feel? What do u smell? What do u taste? What do u see? What do u hear? I personally like taking myself down rabbit holes. For example: I see a yellow jacket > this shade of yellow is a cool tone > what makes a color "cool" or "warm" > why do we associate red with warmth > what if the sun was blue > what if ocean water looked orange > is water wet

I usually end up forgetting what was making me upset. If it was a big deal I would still remember, but at least I would b less emotional and a bit more rational.

Search up cognitive behavior therapy and dialectical behavior therapy and try 2 practice sumthing similar 2 exercises u would perform w a therapist. Squeeze stress balls. Masturbate (this blog is perfect 4 that lol). Maybe watch some videos done by therapists on youtube. I watched a couple of videos abt therapists reacting 2 fighting in movies and I learned alot (this video was very fun to watch)!

Anyway that's what helps me! Good luck 2 u!!!

[lordseochangbin]

lordseochangbin’s jype series smut: music producer

requested: daddy kink 

you shoved your face into the pillow, crashing onto the couch as you seemed to fail yet again at making a beat for the new track you were walking on. you dressed well today, a tight black skirt with a black denim skirt that hugs your waist but it didn’t change your mood nor your ability to make music.

honestly speaking you were new to the studio, starting off other producers saw your potential and decided to have you be the main producer for one of jyp’s newest girl groups.

this was an amazing job, considering you had left america to pursue a career and you felt you had zero confidence in actually making it in. but now here you were, having a mental breakdown in the studio after getting two hours of sleep trying to cram in a nice track before the deadline.

it was stressful.

you managed to keep your eyes open in front of the computer screen fiddling with some last minute adjustments before you could here one of jyp’s music directors come in.

considering he didn’t speak proper english and it had only been your second week into your korean class, it was hard to communicate back and forth.

“how is your work?” the director asked confidently.

you turned around in excitement from the english, not sure if you understood correctly due to the accent.

“i haven’t finished it yet, im so sorry. just give me another 2 hours ill get it done!!”

the director glared at you in confusion but by your expression figured what had happened.

“argh!” he exclaimed, “i can’t work with these american producers!”

your eyes started to tear up. this was the downside of being in korea, you always felt left out. of course korea is open to visitors but living here felt like an outsider in a different world and the fact that you had no time to do your korean classes didn’t help much.

as you whipped your tears you felt a tall blonde enter the room, his confidence gleaming almost as if he owned the room. “did you need my help?” he peeked in whispering to the director.

his hair was wet, his shirt damp of sweat from practicing with the rest of his group. it was bang chan, the leader of stray kids. part of the musical group 3racha, whose beats you had always admired.

the director came to chan and whispered a new words into his ear before turning back to you and waving goodbye. “take care...”

chan stood there for a few seconds, then walking about to the couch and sitting down. you turned around to view him from the front of your recording set.

“hi, my names y/n”

“haha, i know. i’ve seen you around! nice to meet you”

“you too!! wow im really sorry to interrupt you during practice i know it’s probably hard to cram in all this stuff an-“

“don’t worry about it. id love to help you” bang chan interrupted, pulling out his laptop.

you sat next to him as he pulled out some tracks, “here let me show you some 3racha tracks that i have.. just the music”

one of the tracks started playing causing your jaw to drop, “dude!! that beat is sick!” you praised.

bang chan’s eyes widened as he tried to pause the song, “wait this track-” you listened attentively, wondering why bang chan wouldnt be proud of it

“chan what’s the problem?” before chan could pause the track you heard the sounds of heavy moans added to the background, causing you to bite your lip

chan shut down the laptop, looking towards you in embarrassment. 

“i..i’m sorry about that y/n”

you laughed as his cheeks turned red, “pfft, sorry? that’s exactly why girls are on their knees for you chan. you’re literally the hot shot of stray kids”

chan raised his eyebrows at your response, “you think so?”

“pfft.. don’t get too flattered. that’s everyone else’s opinion”

he placed a hand on your knee, pulling himself closer to you almost inches away from your face. “maybe i could change that”

you placed a finger under his chin, pulling him even closer. “the only thing i need help with...” you pushed him to the side before continuing, “is my music”

“oh come on!” he exclaimed, grabbing your hips making you fall onto his lap.

chan pulled back from hair from your face before staring lustfully into your eyes, “y/n.. i think the first thing you need to do is get rid of that stress.”

you pulled away from his lap, lying on your stomach as you buried yourself into the pillow. you were unconvinced that chan could help you with just that before he gripped his hands onto your shoulders, massaging them gently. 

it was a few seconds of heaven as he rolled his palms on your back, “chan.. that feels so good..how did you-”

chan removed his hands, laughing as you turned around. “chan.. why’d you stop?”

“i dont think i can continue to help, you said i wasn’t the hot shot of stray kids” he shrugged, putting his laptop away.

you watched as he stood up, is he being for real?

“no wait chan-” you sighed, rolling your eyes. you approached him slowly, covering the door so he couldn’t leave

“you are.. the most hottest, sexiest, cutest member of stray kids” you continued sarcastically

“i think you forgot talented.” he said

“i think we can leave that out for today” you grabbed his hand, guiding him back to the couch.

“now help me.. pleaseeee” you pleaded.

“honestly speaking, i think you need to find some sort of inspiration”

“what’s yours? sex?” you spurted out

chans jaw clenched, making you stutter a bit. “l-look sorry i tend to be a little-”

“no..” chan interrupted, his voice low. “i get it. you think you’re funny right? flirty? with you skirt so close to your cunt.. i could fuck you over in seconds. i’m gonna tease you everyday until you break”

you laughed, slapping your hand onto his chest. “chan.. or chris. i know i’ve only been here for a few months and you might think of me as inexperienced in music, but i have to confess i am much more experienced in other things.”

you grabbed his hand, placing it under your skirt as he grabbed your thigh. “so if you think you’re ‘turning me on’ right now, or whatever the fuck you think you’re doing chan, try again” you smiled widely before standing up to grab your things and left the room.

perhaps you could say you took chan’s breath away. he had never met a girl as sexy as you. compared to the way you looked when he came to now, it was almost like you had a switch to you. you realized it to, how did his presence bring you such confidence? 

chan kept his word. with every interaction he found some way to get his hands on you, some way to keep you distracted, some way to get you riled up. but you contained all of this distress until you got home, determined to make sure he doesn’t get what he wants. 

but the dildo didn’t help.

should you give him a shot? you wondered to yourself

the question got you thinking about bang chan all night in bed until you decided to text him.

me: chan.. it’s y/n 

bang chan: aw babygirl, feeling needy now?

you read the message smirking as you imagined bang chan at your door. you thought about it, maybe he was as sexy as his fans put him out as. 

your reply said nothing of the sort.

me: no, i just needed up with music

bang chan: are you sure it’s just music y/n?

your legs started the grab the comforter, no longer being able to take the heat in between them

me: no.. i

me: i just cant stop thinking about you in between my legs. i want you so bad

bang chan: y/n.. now thats what i like to hear

bang chan: i swear to you one night i wont stop fucking you until your legs are shaking and the neighbors know my name

you gasped at the text, throwing your phone on the floor and grabbing your pillow. your cheeks flushed red at the thought of bang chan, what he was capable of. that night you went to bed thinking about him right next to you, he was even in your dreams. you had fallen in love with bang chan.

~~~

the next day around 8 am when you arrived at the jyp building you walked down the hall full of studios, interrupted by a hand that slammed you hard against the wall.

“missed me?” bang chan asked

you scoffed under your breath, “you wish” you replied before continuing the walk. once you opened the door to the studio you were off the floor and inside the arms of bang chans’. 

“this outfit of yours is really nice, for whom? i wonder” you wore a white crop top with a black and red plaid skirt, along with some combat boots to complete a cute school girl look, which obviously turned him on.

“chan..chan the music” you responded, realizing the director might come soon.

“ok i finished editing the track you need to show to the director, he should be here in 30” he said, carefully putting you on the black leather couch. 30 minutes...would that be enough?

the second he sat on the couch you couldn’t hold back anymore. you trapped him against the cushion, thrashing your lips against his, rolling your hips on him, your hands exploring all over bang chan. you wanted it all.

the kiss took him by surprise, his hands picking you up from the bottom of your thighs and lifting you onto his lap. 

your core felt like soaring fire at this point, and it being pressed against his cock didn’t help a single bit. 

“daddy please.. i need you right now. all i can think about is you. you teased me enough please” you whimpered.

“i’m sorry.. what did you call me?”

“d-daddy. please fuck me” you panted, the feeling of member growing under you was taunting. you couldn’t stand it anymore, and bang chan loved that.

“fuck.. look at my babygirl” he said, his thumb sliding across his cheeks before he could harshly grab your chin. “y/n is so good and submissive.. and its 8 in the morning, i can only imagine how much sleep you lost last night”

he forced two digits to pass your lips, “suck”. his thumb held your face straight, his eyes dark and full of need as you grind on his hips, him jerking into you every once in awhile.

soon he dragged his fingers away from your lips, leaving them to part as he removes his t-shirt and soonly after both of your clothes and thrown onto the hard floor. 

“chan.. he’s coming in 25 minutes we’re gonna get caugh-”

chan sealed your worries with a kiss, his fingers playing around your folds as he felt your bare skin against his. 

it was weird, you thought, to see him bare naked under you. his member was massive as well, the thought of it inside you leaving you to drool.

chan’s member brushed against your entrance making you grip tighter on his arms. “chan” you pouted, “just fuck me already”

your actions resulting in a few spanking from chan however, “what did you call me babygirl?” 

his voice made you whimper, your voice stuttering as you replied, “d-d-daddy... please i need you so bad”

chan smirked, “you’re not such a good girl anymore huh? always in need of daddy’s big cock”

“my daddy is the bestest” you replied innocently, taking chan by surprise when you get on all floors, yourself in between in legs as you lick a strip of his member.

“y/n...” he softly moaned your name, giving you motivation to suck on his dick. 

his hands grabbed your hair, pushing you closer to him and fucking your mouth. chan smirked as you looked up to him, the way you made him feel, like he was the most blessed man on this planet.

“you’re so beautiful” he praised as you sucked on his tip, his hips bucking as he fucked you harder. you leaned back this time, your core throbbing on inactivity, your fingers not helping a single bit. 

it was about time when you got on top of chan, sinking down on his member slowly. your teeth gnawed onto chan’s neck as you felt your walls being stretched to his size, “you’re so big daddy”

chan sped up his pace with no warning, giving you no time to adjust. your hands gripped onto his shoulders as your heard chan say, “i-i think i’m gonna cum. you sucked me off so well babygirl”

“let’s ride it off together” you said in a shaky voice. seconds later, both of you released on each other before you could hear a few knocks from the door. frantically you jumped from chan’s lap, throwing him his clothes and putting on yours.

“i’m coming!!” you replied.

“that’s what she said” chan replied with a smirk, you sending a deadly glare at him as you forced on your skirt. 

“help me with this?” you asked chan, gesturing at your zipper.

“are you wearing no underwear?” your eyes glowed as you shut his mouth, running over to answer the door. you felt relieved almost, despite your job being at stake if the music wasn’t good enough. you opened the door to see the tall man with a suit on. 

“how’d she do?” the director asked chan as he walked into the studio.

“y/n.. she was perfect.”

[tookinnocence]

             RAZZ.MAT.AZZ : THE SOCIAL EXPERIMENT ALBUM.        PRESENTED BY BRAXTON HOWELL & JULIAN GORDON SAWYER-DEAN.                              an     in    depth     analysis    of    all    twelve    songs.

        ONE.     LEAVE     ME     ALONE.                     this    song    originally    dropped    the    day    after    braxton    broke    up    the    social    climbers,    ie,    split    from    his    drummer,    dakota,    and    his    management    team    and    record    label.    his    last    few    albums    had    been    HIGHLY    manufactured,    to    the    point    where    none    of    the    songs    even    fit    him    as    a    singer.    this    song    is    a    cry    for    help,    a    plea    to    let    him    get    rid    of    his    own    past    and    to    cut    ties    from    the    band    and    the    image    that    made    him    famous    in    the    first    place.

        TWO.    MAD    IQS.                     braxton    has    a    very    complicated    relationship    with    both    fame    and    hollywood.    the    music    industry    is    VERY    cutthroat,    and    no    one    knows    that    better    than    him.    he’s    played    a    hand    in    attempting    to    destroy    the    reputation    of    reverse    psychology,    the    band    that    rivals    his    former    band,    the    social    climbers.    he    calls    himself    a    voluntary    victim    of    hollywood    because    he    stepped    willingly    into    the    madness,    but    he’s    trying    to    claw    his    way    out    of    it    and    his    manipulative    tendencies.    at    the    same    time,    he’s    afraid    to    step    out    of    this    sort    of    image,    because    he’s    afraid    of    getting    replaced    and    not    being    relevant    anymore.

        THREE.    NOBODY    LIKES    THE    OPENING    BAND.                         this    was    a    song    he    wrote    when    sam    and    jon    left    the    social    climbers    seven    years    prior.    it    was    a    hateful    song    at    first,    something    to    do    to    spite    them,    since    they    would    have    to    essentially    start    from    scratch.    he    never    did    anything    with    it    until    he    became    the    opening    act,    and    the    song    ended    up    being    a    sort    of    apology.

        FOUR.    NEW    INVENTION.                         the    music    industry    is    lying    to    you.    it’s    lying    to    braxton.    it’s    making    him    question    his    entire    life.    he’s    having    bad    dreams    about    failure,    not    having    any    sort    of    control    over    his    future    and    his    reputation.    he    doesn’t    know    how    to    act    in    front    of    people    anymore,    how    he’s    supposed    to    present    himself.    the    girl    referenced    is    the    industry,    and    you    are    his    friends        ––––        specifically,    jon,    sam,    julian,    and    most    importantly,    layla,    that    are    trying    to    keep    him    from    going    back    towards    that    evil    that    he    used    to    be.

        FIVE.    FROM    THE    GALLOWS.                         collaborative      project    was    sam.    as    braxton    had    admitted    in    his    mental    breakdown    twitter    spiral,    he    was    an    EXTREMELY    bad    boyfriend    to    samantha;    very,    very    emotionall    abusive    and    manipulative.    him    performing    a    song,    based    around    her    experience    with    him,    is    him    admitting    to    it.    it’s    a    reminder    that    he    has    a    LOT    to    work    on,    and    that    he’s    not    as    fucking    great    as    he    makes    himself    out    to    be.

        SIX.    CLUSTERHUG.                         this    is    literally    pining    of    the    greatest    form.    he    wrote    this    song    immediately    after    meeting    layla,    his    eventual    wife.    he’s    talking    about    how    easily    it    would    be    to    fall    in    love    with    her,    but    he    won’t    if    she    doesn’t    want    him    to.    he’s    kinda    lying    to    himself,    though        ––––        he’s    already    obsessed    with    her,    absolutely    fawning    over    her.

        SEVEN.    SUGAR    PILL.                         he’s    on    so    many    different    types    of    medication.    specifically,    he’s    on    zoloft,    adderall,    while    also    being    on    radiation    therapy.    the    lung    cancer    caused    a    spring    of    mental    illnesses,    so    he’s    taking    the    medications    in    an    attempt    to    make    him    feel    better    (or    anything),    even    though    it    really    just    ends    up    doing    much    more    harm    than    good    in    the    long    run.    the    style    of    it    is    basically    just    a    love    song    to    dav/id    bow.ie,    too.

        EIGHT.    KISS    GOODNIGHT.                         another    love    song    for    layla.    it    ties    back    to    the    original    one    he    wrote    for    her,    love    at    first    sight,    back    when    they    first    met    and    lost    touch.    this    is    just    him    drinking    his    i    love    my    girlfriend    juice.

        NINE.    LIGHTS    GO    DOWN.                         self    reflective    song.    the    song    sounds    like    it    was    written    by    an    arrogant,    lowkey    sinister    type    of    character.    the    song    mostly    talks    about    how    one    small    move    you    make    can    fuck    up    your    career,    while    also    trying    to    uphold    an    image    and    brand.    it’s    coming    from    a    VERY    selfish    point    of    view.

        TEN.    NEED    YOU    HERE.                             the    hardship    of    tour        ––––        leaving    the    ones    you    love.    though    this    song    was    mostly    written    between    braxton    and    julian,    sam    is    featured    on    the    vocals.    camden,    julian’s    oldest    son,    has    a    speaking    part    in    the    song.    it    talks    about    wanting    to    be    home    with    your    family,    needing    to    be    with    them,    even    if    you    can’t.

        ELEVEN.    DOOR.                             yet    ANOTHER    plea    for    help!    please    help    him,    oh    god.    he    wants    to    change    so    badly,    and    if    he    can’t,    give    him    the    boot,    show    him    the    door,    he’ll    get    out    of    your    hair    really    quickly.    he    wants    to    be    held    responsible    for    his    actions.    he    wants    to    be    blamed.    he    needs    the    guilt    in    order    to    get    better.

        TWELVE.    RAZZMATAZZ.                                 fame    FUCKING    SUCKS.    society    FUCKING    SUCKS.    we    as    a    human    race    FUCKING    SUCK.    and    there’s    nothing    we    can    do    about    it,    other    than    try    to    make    the    best    out    of    it,    fuck    up    some    shit    while    you’re    at    it.

[dearosamu]

DESPERADO - OMORFIA

SYPNOSIS: she, a dancer with personified problems all the while more that intrigues osamu dazai who came into her life amidst the chaos that is [name] [last name].

WARNING/S: none

eight - nine

dazai felt his phone vibrate in the back of his pockets, swiftly picking up his cell without even bothering to look at the caller id.

"dazai, are you gonna turn up here or what? am i gonna have to file an absent report - again?"

dazai groans with a free arm flailing beside him, almost hard enough to knock off his glass of wine on the kitchen counter.

"i'm just not feeling it today, odasaku. i think i might've made [name] angry."

"oh, really? what a shocker." the apparent semi-oblivious tone that oda replied with didn't help one bit.

"care to tell me what happened?"

"well," dazai pauses, taking a sip of wine. "she dropped by here yesterday - which reminds me that i forgot to ask her how she even got my address," he mutters mostly to himself.

"anyway! off topic, but she brought her kid and left him with me, asking me to take care of him for the night. they ended up sleeping over and after breakfast we kinda kissed."

"and?"

"and what?"

"there must be something you aren't telling me. the info you've given me seems to be missing a few important details."

the brunette mentally curses at his partner's close attention to specific details. even through the phone, he can probably sense his bullshit.

"well, i may or may not have hinted at her that i .. wanted to be something more. to help her ease her burdens, you know?"

oda was silent during his explanation, only humming in acknowledgement once he assessed the situation.

"are you in love with her?"

dazai purses his lips at the question. his feelings regarding this was all over the place.

"that's the thing. i don't know if it's love - i don't understand it."

"it would help if you'd describe how you really felt."

oda hears dazai take a deep breath over their call. he must feel a little overwhelmed about it all. he's known dazai for many years, understanding that he can't handle intense emotions very well. love, was definitely one of those.

"i feel this- this weird ache in my chest when she does one good thing, but it's followed by something else entirely. it's like she wants it to but at the same time, she's holding herself back," he stammers.

"i'm trying to work out what she said before she left. she was just so vague."

"you don't think she's giving you mixed signals?"

dazai had gone silent, possibly thinking it over on his side. what if he got it all wrong? what if he was just assuming things just because her actions differ from her words?

"dazai, if you recall back then, it's to never fall for-"

"strippers or anyone involved in bad business, i know," dazai completes it for him.

"didn't you fell for jin? george,  - or whatever his name was - at some point?"

"gide," oda sighs. "that was back then - now don't change the subject to me. this is about you coming to terms with your emotions."

dazai downs the last drop of his wine, proceeding to lay on his couch to vent about his weird feelings to oda. it's a wonder that his friend even put up with his constant complaints at all.

"you know, if you're nagging about something like this that much, why don't you ask her out?"

"ask her out where?"

"on a date, genius." he deadpans. dazai lips shape into a small 'o', mind going off on a questionable daze before quickly coming back to reality.

"do you think that's a good idea?"

"i don't see why not," oda shrugs even though dazai couldn't see him.

"odasaku,"

"what is it?"

"i haven't been on a real date in a long time."

this was going to be much more difficult than he thought.

--

somehow, oda managed to convince dazai to pull through the idea of going on a date. with [name].

which explains why he's back at the club, but instead of hoping to piss her off with a request to dance, he had brought along with some flowers as a peace offering. he even got his semi-formal attire neatly pressed for this.

upon coming to the club and heading immediately backstage, he was - unfortunately - greeted with the sight of chuuya. the ginger doesn't even hold back on a snicker when he does a once over at the taller male.

"pfft - what in the fuck are you doing?"

"could you have [name] off work today?"

"why?"

"i'm taking her out," he holds up the flowers in his hands.

as soon as chuuya opened his mouth, the two just ended up having small banter and disagreements, with the former obviously disapproving of the brunette in question. it was interrupted once a certain [h.c]-haired woman passed the door in between the males.

"uh, excuse me? you two are blocking the way-" she does a double take once her gaze lands on dazai, grumbling under her breath as she tries to ignore him, focusing her stare on chuuya.

chuuya clicks his tongue, moving aside to make way. dazai takes this opportunity to ask [name] out.

"please go out with me." chuuya snorts, deciding to leave the two on their own. he'd probably tease the female later on about it.

"what the fuck?" she gazes up at him with disbelief.

dazai clears his throat, feeling a bit of tension and awkwardness in the situation. "odasaku suggested that i do something .. different. that i should try being romantic.. ?" it came off more of a question rather than an answer.

"please tell me you're joking," despite the hint of mockery in her tone, her eyes said otherwise.

"did you inhale something?"

"i'm serious. i'm trying to ask you out so," he gives her the flowers with the corner of his lips curling up.

"go out with me?"

the female was quite shocked. this was new. she didn't really expect this from dazai.

"you're smiling." she says absentmindedly.

"is that a bad thing?"

"no, no. in fact it's .. a good change," she returns with a small grin of her own, staring at the arrangement of tulips and daises she had in her hands. how sweet.

"look, i'm trying," dazai mumbles. "i want to give whatever we have a shot. it's been a long time since i've done this, so just spare me the time and tell me if you want to do this or not."

he hears a small snicker before the female in front of him bursts in a small fit of giggles. "okay, okay. i'll go on a date with you."

"really?" dazai asks, eyes wandering her own for any ill intentions. there was none. he felt flabbergasted.

"just let me have the courtesy of getting changed first," she gives a gentle smile.

"would you want me to go out wearing something like this?"

"n-no! go get changed, please-" dazai stammers out, face flushed. this was weird. he felt odd. oddly giddy and a bit of excitement. was this normal?

"alright. wait for me then."

he couldn't wait for what was about to come.

--

"you seem so inexperienced. it's stupidly cute in some way," [name] comments as they walk down a street, minutes away from their destination.

"i told you, it's been a long time since i've been on a real date."

"define a 'long time'."

"like, twelve years, give or take-" he was cut of by the abrupt laughter that emitted from his date. he playfully rolls his eyes at the sight.

"oh yeah, sure okay. that's funny for you," he mutters. despite his jarring tone, his arm didn't fail to lose contact with the female.

"i-it's just too funny! you haven't been on a date since you were like, sixteen. oh my god," she loses herself again in a fit of giggles. even with the annoyed look on his face, he finds her laughter endearing to his ears. he's used to her seemingly hostile personality that seeing her be so playful was a bit weird. he doesn't mind it though.

"that's just precious."

"oh, look. it seems we've gotten to the restaurant i was telling you about." he ignored her shouts of protest as he hurriedly speed walks to the place. he greets the staff at the entrance, mentioned his reservation before they were lead to an empty booth and situates himself there with [name].

she sets her bag down on a chair beside her, sitting down on a chair the opposite of dazai. "now, is that a way to treat your date?"

"you were being puerile," he answers, leaning onto both hands propped against the table.

"don't use stupid fancy words on me." the female grumbles as they waited for a waiter. dazai sticks out his tongue as they went on about casual conversation.

"ever tried thai food?"

"not really."

"how come?"

"my household used to stick to a sole strict way of handling things. anything remotely foreign was forbidden for us." she explains.

"they hated trying new things for some reason."

"well, i'm here to treat you to your heart's content," he grins. [name] returns a small one of her own, gazing upon the interior design of the restaurant. she hadn't took it all in since she was dragged quite briskly inside. it was pretty fancy. expensive looking, too. the wages that their staff must earn may be more than what she has on the daily. lucky.

minutes later, a waiter had come by to take their orders.

"and what would your drinks be?"

"i'll have a sake," dazai answers.

"what about you, ma'am?"

"i'll have a [f.d] instead." the waiter nods, taking the menus before leaving. [name] plays with the ends of her hair before locking eyes with dazai.

"how's your business running along?"

"things are coming along smoothly. we've gotten rid of those who tried to auction off some of our products for fakes. profits are coming in at a steady pace. i managed to go on a date with you, so nothing seems wrong."

"are you happy though?"

"why wouldn't i be? i have attained so much in little time." the female rolls her eyes at this.

"yeah, but achieving a lot of things don't always mean you're actually happy with what you have right now."

dazai ponders over her words. "i don't get what you mean."

"like, you need to find something that makes you genuinely happy. something you find comfort in or calmness. something that makes you smile and make you think that 'i wouldn't exchange this for anything else.'"

"i still don't get it."

"you're that bad with emotions?" dazai nods hesitantly, feeling that this was somehow a bad thing.

"isn't that unhealthy?"

"how so?"

"well, i was taught to feel all of my emotions. to really connect with them, so that i don't seem unhinged."

dazai doesn't give a reply, soon after the waiter returned with their drinks in hand. the two gives their thanks.

"you need to be in tune with your feelings more, you know." [name] takes a sip from her cold beverage.

"i think i feel strongly for you," he pauses. "i can't describe it."

"that's.. understandable, i guess. you still need some work." [name] sighs.

"it's not that i can't - more like i don't know how?"

the [h.c]-haired female thinks his words over before stating her own opinion. dazai continued before she could get the words out.

"it's just strange. which is kinda why i had asked odasaku first before you .. and now you're here. i want to control these emotions." he just seemed so confused. she smiles at this.

"that's cute."

"huh?" dazai was so lost.

"you just really seem like you're trying really hard. it's flattering. shows that you're putting effort on me. i appreciate that."

oh.

oh. was all dazai could think.

his felt his heartbeat twice during dinner.

[anorexyarecovery]

Today would've been Recovery day 3. TW ED

I can't do it.

I just want to be thin.

I don't know why.

when I was a lower weight I wasn't happy and I still viewed my body negatively.

I'm a fucking failure, I'm going to have to go back to lying to everyone and making my life hell.

But I can't do this, at least not right now.

part of me feels like it’s already too late my ED is so ingrained in my personality that id be lost without it. However, I don't feel as if this is the last time ill try to recover.

I just want to be thin.

Eating disorders are the strangest diseases, on one hand I know I need help before I spiral out of control but on the other  hand when I eat like a functioning human being for a few days  the war inside my head becomes to  loud that I can't take it anymore. I will listen to the voices in my head now because I don't know if I'll ever be strong enough to handle them.

When I first started to develop my eating disorder I pictured the end goal as a skinny, dainty and happy girl who would be able to fit in all the clothes she wanted. I believed this even when I was fainting from walking and scared of my heart stopping. Now all I see in the end is thin. just a number on the scale gone down. in fact I know it won't make me happy. but at least I will be thin.

Im sorry if this post was upsetting or triggering but its the only space I feel truly safe to vent in because I don't have to lie or feel shame. I won't be using this blog to promote any form of pro ana because I'm heavily against it and believe nobody should be subjected to seeing it. and I'm sorry to anyone I let down.

I will just use this as a space to document my feelings because its all to much to hold inside my head.

if you see this and are struggling from an eating disorder get help.

before its too late.

if your looking for a sign believe me this is fucking it.

my biggest regret in life is not taking help when it was offered to me.

you need to get off Tumblr and all this pro ana bullshit and run.

eating disorders aren't to be glamourized they are a life threatening mental illness.

my god I want to get rid of my anorexia I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.

I don't even have a purpose or a goal anymore.

I don't have a goal weight or thinspo dreams.

I just can't handle the living hell my thoughts put me through everyday, so I continue.

I'm aware its most definitely going to back fire and ruin my life.

Eating disorders have already ruined my life.

I don't know if I will ever be happy.

if you do not want to help yourself please help me.

see a doctor for me, open to someone for me call a helpline for me.

I want to see everybody beat this because I know I'm not alone.

I never want to see anybody go through this.

trust me it is NOT WORTH IT.

I've been at my gw and absolutely nothing changed in fact everything was 10millon times worse.

I saw myself even more disgusting than before.

a number on a scale won't make you loveable beautiful or worthy.

it will never matter how you look because EDs are mental disorders not physical ones.

I was so starved my body physically made me gain some weight back.

I know now should've gotten help.

I don't feel dainty and pretty.

I feel like a shell of a person.

I feel stuck in a never ending cycle destined to yo yo between the same 10lbs until the end.

you have to stop this.

please start to consider recovery regardless of weight.

everybody deserves recovery.

you deserve to love life.

[clownbeep]

This is gonna be kinda brutal. But I want to put it into writing

Big vent/whats been going on

Hah... I guess this is like my life story or some shit...

Trigger warning ahead.. Depression and a bit of gore/suicide talk so if you are sensitive to that please, for your own sake and mental state you might not want to continue.

For those who dont want to hear a pretty dark vent, I understand.

And those who are just scrolling by feel free to scroll past. I just personally want to get this out.

If you have dealt with emotional neglect/abuse and need to know it isnt in your head this might be the post.

By writing this it feels like hopefully someone else will read this and realise certain things are NOT healthy.

If you are questioning if you are being emotionally neglected/abused (im speaking in a parental sense but even romantically or sexually) im not someone to give you answers, but the fact you are questioning it raises some red flags. In a healthy relationship you dont wonder those things.

Sorry for the long prelude but heres what I wanted to say

.

.

.

.

.

.

Ever since I was young, ive had bad ADHD, manic bipolar/depression, and sensory issues.

I was diagnosed around 13 I believe. My family (I didnt realise it then) always showed pity. Like I was some wild animal that couldnt be tamed and there was nothing they could do. Id do and say stupid attention seeking things just to try and get a shred of empathy.

My family didnt care.

When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt regaurding pills and my liver had a chance of failing.. None of my family members cried over me. But a family friend. Someone not. Even. Related. Wept over me.

My family didnt care.

I cant say they never cared. They give me food water and luxuries like internet and a phone. For that I am grateful.

But in many other ways they have hurt me faar more than helped.

Once I got out of a short term stay in an inpatient mental facility I desperately needed contact with anyone who would care for me.

I have a younger sister, quite young probably around 7 at the time. She was a close friend of mine for that time. Id hang out with her so often to fill the gap in love it felt my family didnt give. One day I walked into the dining room and overheard my mother and father talking to my little sister. They told her to keep away because I wasnt "stable" because I was "dangerous" and could give her bad Ideas. And with one single action my only friend at the time and way to find happiness was taken away.

My family did not care.

When I stay in bed every day for months on end not knowing which day ill snap and end it all.... I get called lazy.

My family did not care

When I beg for medication to make me a functional human being they brush me off for years on end. Im losing my grip. I can barely remember things that have happened last week because I try so hard to forget everything its my automatic response to everything.

When I cant get to sleep because all of the memories come flooding back and im hit by wave after wave of horrific memories and the feeling if worthlessness... When I cant watch any videos or read posts about families because it brings on unwanted memories and emotions....

Is it me being dramatic then?

When you hear your family openly mocking and laughing about how stupid and dramatic and fake trans people are... How weird and unnatural and mentally insane these people are not knowing they are the very reason grsm and trans suicides are so high...

Am I a liar now? Am I insane?

When I tried to talk to them about my mental health issues. They took my only way of contact and made me feel like it was my own fault.

My family didnt care.

When I was nearly passed out shaking in a bathtub covered in wounds and blood all over... They showed pity, then lectured me for an hour for not telling them or for being impulsive and basically cleaned my wounds and sent me into my room.

My family didnt care.

Yes. I do agree, they cleaned my wounds, the physical side of showing care. However emotionally they were not there.

When my father drinks so heavilly every day he is home from work that he forgets half the things he tells you and can barely function.. They lecture my older sister for having a glass of wine (legal age)

They did not care.

My sister (23) tried for so many years to cling to what little attention she would get by getting good grades and going to college... She realised that it changed nothing about how my family felt toward her.... She snapped.

My family did not care.

She starves herself for a disease she does not have, she uses religion as an exuse to be one of the biggest christian extremists I personally know. Half the days she doesnt eat... Other days she burns book and gets rid of items for being demonic.

My lovely sister used to be kind and quite normal. However she couldnt find comfort in what little live her family gave. Starved for care she turned to religion to un unhealthy degree. Finding any way to keep her mind busy. Now I worry she will end up in the hospital for weighing so little.

My family did not care.

My oldest sister (27) Is married to a continuously cheating husband who she keeps letting back into her life. She was raised with a failing marrige and doesnt seem to see when she should call it quits.

Not to mention her husband has touched someone legally under the age of concent. Did she report him to the authorities? No.

All of these horrific things stemming from bad parenting. Unhealthy relationships and neglect.

Neglect emotionally can cause just as bad things as physical neglect. They are both horrifically dangerous in different ways.

These are the only big things I can remember... Basically age 15 and below are a complete blur to me and I cant remember much of it without thinking for a looong time. Even then I cant remember a lot of it... I feel like ive lost my whole damn childhood. And it hurts more than if they had just hit me or physically harmed me.

Im not underplaying physically harm. But in my personaly opinion I would rather my family have beaten me badly because at least then id have an easier way to prove to people how severe the abuse was. You can see bruises and confirm broken bones... But years of feeling completely useless and being shut off from most of the world other than the internet... It fucks you up in a way I dont think can be healed.

I dont know if I can ever love myself or... Remember things. Its terrifying to think Ill post this and a few weeks later probably not even rememner unless its brought up. Or meeting people and having conversations... And they are just... Gone.

Gone.

I suppose the biggest reason im writing this is well... In the future I dont want to forget in some ways.. I want like to be 100× as awesome knowing itll start as soon as im out of here..

If I dont have anything to compare it too then what is the point?

Ive layed out basically most of what I remember

A large amount of time I look around and nothing registers... Everything is familiar but I cant remember anything for a moment or two.. I feel like my memory is slipping so fast and im terrified.. I cant do anything to stop it and I cant make my mood be stable without the medication my family cant be bothered to get ...

I suppose this is a bit of a vent. I know its kind of everywhere and unorganized..

If im honest.. Tumblr is the only place where people have given me a home I wish I had..

I came out as trans here... Everyone was so damn supportive.. I didnt say anything but I cried hard and the kindness.. It was amazing.. It was such a jarring difference to how I feel when I say anything in real life.

Ive met friends here and ive had some much fun here. If youve stuck around this far thank you so much.. If you didnt I dont blame you.

I just wanted to share what has been flashing in my head these past few days.. It hurts a lot and ive even considered suicide recently..

Im trying hard. As hard as I can.. I have no escape though.

I cannot leave home. I cannot escape. Im not being dramatic.

I

CANT

LEAVE

And its terrifying because I know without medication or at least being somewhere AWAY from family.... I feel like im going to break soon.

I dont want to do anything stupid.. But some days I cant think straight and do things that harm myself and its not good. Its not okay. Im aware that I need help but I have no idea where to go/turn.. I have no ID or drivers liscence.. I have no transportation to and from a job to get money so I can leave... I live in the middle of nowhere.... I just..

I dont want to lose touch. I dont want to do anything bad.. I want to be functional.. I want to do more than eat and sleep my life away because I have nothing else to do..

Im so damn sick and tired of this all.. And at times I really do feel like there is only one way out.

Its always there and I just feel like one of these days im gonna be pushed over the edge and not be thinking clearly enough to stop it.

Im thinking semi clearly right now which is my im posting this.. Because im afraid and alone.

I have nowhere to go irl I have no friends Irl i just have tumblr and media and thats it. I dont expect anyone to be able to help I just wanted to write this so anyone knows what happens if I leave media..

If I tell my family my issues they will blow me off again for the 11th time or so (not exaggerated)

And if I do something to get sent to the hospital and get the help I need the cycle will continue with them being pissed and me getting sent home in a month or less anly for my family relationships to get worse..

Im spiraling fuether and further and I cant keep up the facade of being fine. I need help. And i have no way to get it. Ive just been suffering for years...

Sitting around and doing nothing but using your phone or drawing or whatever sound fun in theory... But if thats all youve been able to do for years with little to no real life social contact its gonna mess with your head... I dont want to be a shut in... I just

I dont know what to do.

Im sorry for rambling. I will most likely delete this later feeling embarrassed I posted this...

Im just tired..

[fisherfurbearer]

fuck sam walmarts

and fuck management

I’ve had it. Left the store in tears tonight.

as some peoople probably/hopefully know. walmart closes at 6 pm on christmas eve. no one actually gets to leave at 6 becuase of shitty last minute customers. but it is what it is.

this. is really personal but im honestly SO close to just. killing myself? so who cares

basically. had a really really bad last few days. spent a lovely time with family (jessies family, his oma and opa and sister and parents and it was just a great time. theyre more family to me than most of my blood family) but it did make me Sad in Deep ways as we dont know if this is going to be our last christmas with his oma who isnt doing so good. and it just twisted me up a little but was othewrsiwse a great day. but then sunday i just...had a huge breakdown in the morning and decided to use my accomodation (i get 2 excused absenses a month) to cool down and gte myself together. slept a lot. woke up adn got a lot done, felt great, then i CRASHED really really bad, got really angry, lashed otu, took like...8-10 sleeping pills...theyre horrific things and im never doing that again...had to sleep for two days after that...felt horrifically sick, in pain, just awful. had repeating nightmares over and over. which has also been wearing me down recently. wasnt able to work monday either because i still couldnt stand and between the pills and the depression/anxiety and really just. felt like the world was ending.

decided sometime last night id just...try my best to make it in today, work my shift (really long 9-6, knowing i wouldnt leave on time nad htisis my first time working in 5 days now...which is rough...) and if i can get through this, i have another couple days off in a row after that (schedules fault, not mine...do feel awful i missed 3 days before that though...) and we can just. get back on track

today i DID go to work, jessie drove me in

i worked. a long time. im supposed to get a break every 2 hours and a 1 hour lunch

i gott my first break on timeish.

then i got my lunch 6 hours after i got in. at which time i got “locked out” for not taking my lunch and coudlnt do anything on the registers. i was supposed to get it 4 hours in. its christmas eve and excruciating and im still in pain and tired from my previous days breakdowns, but otherwise?? i did really good. i didnt mind at all that my lunch was so late. i was a little miffed, but its ok. i dont care, so long as i get it eventually. anyway they FINALLY noticed i was locked out and got me coverage and i ended my lunch at 4. things continued ok. worked on self checkout, met a lot of regulars i really like, prevented $200 of theft (HAHA WOW that was really really funny i love preventing petty theft. i prevent so much theft every week its my pride and joy) just did okay. then they had us close self checkout that took a little while. then at 5:00-5:10 or so i went to my Manager/Supervisor/”““People LEad” as walmart is now trying to call them, lets call her manager Y, and i told her i still need my break and will i get it before i leave. she said go to register 4. i asked again hey will i get my break though and she said yeah and i thought to mysel HAHA thats not going to happen but ok

really stupid that after bieng locked out the first time she couldnt give me my break before i openned a register with a line i cant get rid of

anywayy i did ok otherwise for a while

but at 5:25 or so i reminded a CSM “hey i need my break still can i get that?” and she just ssaid yeah well try to get someone and then more time passed so much time. i put through an ask on the register “assistance needed”. waited another 10 minutes. “assistance needed” again. starting to get anxious. its past 5:40. the line is so long. theres so MUCH NOISE. Its SO LOUD. the intercom keeps going off, no one is responding to me, i dont have a mat to stand on so my knees HURT,, im not doing okk

i switch my light to flashing/need assistance and start looking for someone to ask for help. its 5:45, i need my break NOW, i DESERVE IT for workng this long ass shift and they already missed several of my last breaks a week ago AND got me locked out today and im STARTING TO GET ANXIOUS PELASE I JUST WANT MY BREAK SO BAD

nnthgen a csm is passing by im about to lose it, so i tell her CSM J, please i really need my break now PLEASE and im starting to ccry and i try to tell her whats going on but she shushes me and goes and gets sometone

im full on tears at this point, im so strreesed out,,

manager Y and some other snooty manager come over andd. ffkcing. ask me whats wrong. im crying and i try to explain im really really stressed out, i havent had my last break, ive been trying to get someone for so long now, i just really need to leave im so sorry

and theyy just. fckkng

ffcking manager Y jjst ssays ok “ill give you your break” and “this is your last break” and i ssaid?? yeah i knoww?? andd she saidd “next time youre like this, just dont come in”

i quote that completeltyyy....i really lost it then...i cried som muchh

this isnt the first itme she said something like this to meee...

she asked me “why are you CRYING” When i had an anxiety attacki n the store once, when ic cloked in and couldnt get myself together,, she didnt give me time to calm down, she didnt listen as to why, she just said “why are you crying. this is a BUSINESS. you cant be CRYING Here.” and i just said ok ill go home bye and leftt

andd when i tried to get my availability changed from 7-9 to 7-6/7-7 because the random late shifts with 7 am shifts was messing me up really really bad and my doctor thinks i need to hcange it too, she just said “i cant do that. thisi sa BUSINESS.” and she wouldnt listen when i said i might have to quit because of this, this is for my health, im literally scheduled 7-2 every sunday in december, busiest day of the busiest month and you cant even chop TWO HOURS off my weekend availability????

andd i jjst

ive HAD IT with her

ive had ittt

im so ashamed and angry and anxious and i still havent stopped cryingg. she called me over to her again as i was leaving and she blamed me for it. she ssaid a customer was upset that i “Screamed” (ues i raised my voice a little but i wasnt screaming??? also the two customers i was attending to when this was going on and i cried were VERY KIND nad jjst said i was doing a good job and thanked me for being there) and called a manager over (but...csm J got them?? not a customer...??) and i cant be acitng like this, i cant do customer service when im stressed,, and d i should just STAY HOME If im going to be like that

then shee fufkcing toold me i DID IT WRONG, that i “shouldve called someone over” I TOLD HER I DID!!!!! I DID!!!!!!!!!! YOU NAIL INTO MY HEAD IM NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE REGISTER SO I DIDNT, I DID EVERYTHING ELSE I COULD THOUGH!!! I REQUESTED HELP TWICE!! I TURNED MY LIGHT TO FLASHING!!! I TRIED TO CATCH A MANAGER WALKING BY TO HELP ME!!! N OONE LISTENED UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, I DID EVERYHTING I COULD!! yet she seriously told me to my face that “you didnt call anyone”, “you couldve turned your light to flashing” WHICH I DID and sshee jjst said that i made customers uncomfortable and i cant work like thatt and just stay hhome

ii stayed home sunday because i was having a mjor mental emergencyy.

i came in today because i was feeling better and i took it eaasy and ended up doing a wonderful job and mad eso many people smilea nd fixed so many problems that wouldve otherwise upset a lot of folks and i met my regulars and made old folks smile andd i prevented a lot of theft that no one else wouldve caughtt and i jjstt broke down after 9 hours and not getting a last break and all the chaos of register (WHICH BY THE WAY THEY KNOW I DONT LIKE REGISTER!!! I THRIVE ON SLE FCHECOUT!!! THATS MY JOB TITLE!! THATS WHAT I DO!!!! THEY KNOW THISS!!!!) and HER AVOIDING GIVING ME MY FUCKING BREAK and NOT RESPECTING MY FFUCKING METNAL DISABILITIES LJNASDKAJHDBASJSDNAJSNDKANSD

I JJST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DOO

i really want to die and i really want to never go back but i really loved my job i loved helpting people ii jjst hate her so muchhh and i feel GENUINE DREAD/SEVERE ANXIETY jjst SEEING her nnow

she doesnt CARE about anyone but herself shes a horrible peson i cant tell the store manager though cause she wont care either and manager Y has more clout than me so shell just twist my words and make me out as the bad guy as hte “CRAZY ONE” who cries and gets stressed (FOR COMPLETELY VALID REASONS AFTER BEING PUSHED OVER THE EDGE) even tthough i work SO FFRIKCING HARD and do SUCH A GOOD JOB and asdjanjsdhajshdas

i d ont know what to doo

i cant work another job because no where else pays as much or will let me do self checkout only, because being a cashier stresses me so muchh

ii...really wanntted to grow stuff and make preserves and sell bee products and work with folks raising heritage sheep and make more fiber art andd open a little stall at a local market and sell all that,, and offer more online and do customs andd stuff

i know i could mkae money that wa ybut i ccantt start it so sudenly and im too Broken to do it seriouslyy and i dont even want to HAVE to quit because of ONE PERSON But shes done this so many times now and this is the nfinfal streaww

i jjst dont know what to doo...

i cantt stop cryingg

i cant even enjoy christmas nnow. wanted to see my stepdad and give him his presernt and maybe be ok.

last christmas we had to move because our house was condemned after a fire. now im going to have to lose my job because of a horrible manager who doenst respect my metnal health or anything about me reallyy. and unfortunately im such a failure that i cant. do anything else and if i lose this job ill lse my animla sand i wotnt be able to do anyhtingg andd im jjust fucking trash

goddammit i dont know what to do. i really dont. hhahaaa. i just really want to end it. ive come so far and none of it fucking matters because of thiss fucking horrible manager.

[daydream-hobii]

Roses & Thorns | Chapter 20 [FINAL]

Genre: Hybrid!AU, fluff, angst

Pairing: Hybrid!OT7 x Female!Reader | Alpaca!Seokjin, Panther!Yoongi, Fox!Hoseok, Wolf!Namjoon, Bear!Jimin, Tiger!Taehyung, Bunny!Jungkook

Summary: Y/N is a rehabilitator of hybrids who have been abused or being sold for auction. It’s an illegal thing to do, but she feels strongly that this is the right thing. For many years, she has saved hundreds of hybrids who have needed her help, even for her young age, and six of them decided to stay with her. Namjoon, who was the second saved, initiated an intimate relationship, which Taehyung, who was the first saved, wanted in on. Over time, some of the hybrids that came after the two wanted to join in on the relationship. Now, Y/N has saved a very rare fox hybrid named Hoseok, who is very curious and even more broken. He has the choice to stay with these people and maybe join their relationship or move on to a rehabilitated district where he can have a life of his own. What will he choose?

Warning: Mentions of Abuse, Sexual Assault, Suicide & Mental Illness! Read with Caution <3 | Suggestions of Smut? (I’m not good at writing smut, so it’s just implied… ^_^); Profanity; GORE!!

Word Count: 1,225

 Chapter 1 // Chapter 2 // Chapter 3 // Chapter 4 // Chapter 5 // Chapter 6 // Chapter 7 // Chapter 8 // Chapter 9 // Chapter 10 // Chapter 11 // Chapter 12 // Chapter 13 // Chapter 14 // Chapter 15 // Chapter 16 // Chapter 17 // Chapter 18 // Chapter 19 //

Author’s Note: Welcome to Chapter 20! Please let me know what you think of this chapter, I love getting feedback! I hope you enjoyed it!!! ^_^ 

                                                       **5 Years Later**

           Since we were all rehabilitated, life has been so much easier. Everyone worked, and our home became a point to help the newest hybrids find places to live and get jobs. Actually, our big family got a little bigger.

           I sat in the garden that Jimin recreated to look like the one from home, an eight-year-old girl running over and sitting with me. How was she so much older? We adopted her after finding out only three of the boys were sterile, and it was already difficult to get pregnant.

           “Mom, whatcha reading?” She questioned, looking into my book.

           “Oh, just a small book. What’s up darling?” I questioned, eyeing her.

           “Some people made fun of me at school,” He grumbled, looking into her lap. I placed my book down, looking sad. This girl had black hair, and she was a human, her brown eyes looking so sad and pitiful.

           “Oh, baby, what did they say?” I questioned, making her turn to face me.

           “They said it was weird I had seven hybrid dads… and only one mom. They said I didn’t belong here…” She said, biting her lip.

           “They did what?” Jin asked, walking through with a little hybrid boy with cheetah ears and a long tail. He was six and clung to Jin like cling wrap.

           “Dad,” The little girl said, embarrassed.

           “No, sweetie, you need to tell Yoongi,” He replied, sitting with the little boy who swatted his ears.

           “Tell me what?” Yoongi asked, entering with Hoseok, who carried another little girl hybrid who had red panda ears and a bushy tail wrapped around Hoseok’s waist. She was about four, and already in love with Hoseok.

           “She’s being bullied,” I replied, making a sad face as she stared at me, frowning. “Baby, they would’ve found out anyway.”

           “What? Why,” Yoongi demanded, making me give a small glare.

           “I don’t want to talk about it,” She said quietly as Yoongi walked over, kneeling besides us both, Yoongi placing a hand on my knee.

           “They said it was weird to have seven dads, and that she doesn’t belong,” I said. Before Yoongi could blow up, Jimin stomped through.

           “No way! If anything, you’re twice as lucky!” He shouted, making the poor girl flinch. I grabbed her, setting her on my lap.

           She was always a lot closer to Jimin and Yoongi than the other boys, while the little boy hybrid clung to Jin and the little girl hybrid loved Hoseok. Taehyung walked in with another human boy who was about ten, looking happy as can be. He loved Taehyung and Jungkook the most, and always liked to play video games with them.

           The only one who didn’t have someone to cling to him was Namjoon. He was kind of the big, bad dad. The leader of everyone, the one who did the dirty work, the grounding. I felt so sorry, because Namjoon is the one who wanted kids the most and is the one who even suggested trying. It’s not that they don’t love him, the children loved all of their parents, they all just had preferences.

           “I can talk to the principal tomorrow,” Namjoon said, walking over and kissing the top of her head. “Don’t worry, baby.”

           “Thanks daddy,” She mumbled, hugging him and running to get the other human boy to play. I saw a spark of happiness ripple through eyes, and the other two children ran after them, playing not too far from us.

           “Baby, did you ever hear from the doctor?” Hoseok questioned, looking concerned.

           “Doctor?” Jungkook asked, wide eyed and walking to us. “Why? Y/N, are you okay?”

           “Yes, Kookie, I’m fine. I just haven’t been feeling too good the past couple of months, I went to make sure I was okay,” I said, smiling. My phone went off, and I smiled at the ID. “Speak of the devil. Hello, doctor.”

           “Miss Y/L/N, I have wonderful news,” She said, making me squint my eyes. “You’re pregnant.”

           “What?” I asked, wide eyed. Namjoon and Yoongi, who were closest to me, went wide eyed as well. The other boys just looked confused. “Are you joking?”

           “Not at all. You’re a couple months along, which explains the menstruation lose and the uncomfortable state you’ve been in. From what it looks like, you’re going to have twins, but it’s too early to confirm. By the rate they’re growing, at least one is a hybrid, so you may have them sooner than nine months,” She said, and I gripped Namjoon’s hand, who had so much hope in his eyes. The only fertile ones were Hoseok, Jungkook, and Namjoon…. I think Hoseok and Jungkook kind of gave up a year ago, but Namjoon always wanted to keep trying.

           “Can you confirm the hybrid?” I asked, a couple tears falling.

           “From my data, it’s a wolf,” She said, making me ungrasp Namjoon’s hand and put it to my crying eyes. “Tell Namjoon congrats for me, along with the other boys.”

           She hung up, and Namjoon knelt in front of me, eyes filled with hope and love. He grasped my cheeks, not saying a word, but asking millions of questions.

           “I’m pregnant,” I cried, making the other boys circle around us. “With possible twins.”

           “What?!” Jin exclaimed, smiling bright. “That’s great news!”

           “Namjoon, it’s gotta be yours, right?” Jungkook asked, eyes bright.

           “Maybe by blood, but it’s all of ours,” He said, tears streaming as he hugged me. “We’re adding two more to this family.”

           “Ones a hybrid,” I whispered, making him pull away in surprise. “They’re growing faster, so they’ll be here sooner than nine months.”

           “Oh my god, we have to prepare!” Namjoon said, standing up and grabbing Jin and Taehyung. “We’re going out. Baby, I’ll send you pictures, you have to rest, stay here. We’ll be back with supplies.” They ran off before I could say a word, making me chuckle and shake my head, wiping my tears of happiness.

           “You’d think they’d be used to it by now, after having four,” I said, chuckling. Hoseok picked me up bridal style, making me yelp in surprise.

           “You’re not walking, I’ll carry you everywhere,” He said, protectively.

           “Oh no, not you guys too,” I said, giggling.

           “Dad, why are you holding Mom up?” The human boy asked, running over.

           “Kids,” I said, making Hoseok set me down. I knelt to their height, a protective Yoongi and Jimin hovering over me. “How do you feel about adding two more family members?”

           “Like, from the shelter?” The hybrid boy asked, eyes excited.

           “Not exactly,” I said, pointing to my belly. “There’s two in here.”

           “You’re pregnant!” The human boy and girl shouted, getting excited.

           “Are you going to get rid of us now…?” The little hybrid girl asked, tears falling.

           “Baby, no,” I whispered, pulling her into a hug. “You are all a part of this family, just as much as these two. Our big family is just going to get a little bigger.”

           They started to get more and more excited as time went on. I couldn’t help but reminisce on the past. We were all so broken, came from such broken households, and we were able to find each other. Everyone is similar to a rose with thorns, you just need to get past the thorns before you get witness the rose.

[jxwritesss]

I’m currently writing this on wattpad as well! @jxwritess

This is a Noen Eubanks fan fiction, I’m trying to spread my book around, pls share and help, it means a lot xx, my main platform is wattpad please read it on there if you find this and enjoy it!

New York. The only place in the entire world, where robots were being developed. Robots, that looked exactly like humans, and there being only one distinctive difference, a tattoo. One that said RA-H.

An RA-H. Robotic animated humans. These androids are helping the world as much as it is destroying it. They force people out of jobs, but in doing so create even better things then humans. Thousands of different political views, millions of haters and lovers. And then there's me.

Malia Blanche, 17, I lost my father, and I was the spitting image of my late mother. I only recently moved to LA, where my life was bombarded with these new androids, I get the concept of them, although I don't truly understand it.

Well, on with the story shall we?

-Chapter One.

Sunday, the day before I start college. A new life, a new story and a new beginning. I can finally pursue my dream of being a writer, just like my mother.

My mother attended John Brown college academy  , her department was romance, mine, mystery, ever since I was a child I thrive for solving mysteries, actions, you know in the movies where there's a fight scene, and it goes slow motion and they throw the punch of victory, thats what ignites my fire, the thrive for doing good, but in a dangerous way, I could always figure out who was lying in a movie, or who the murderer was. Maybe I should be a detective, but my flow comes with writing.

Although I was attending my new school in a day, I lazily decided to stay in bed until half 10, I needed to be at Realsons&Co for 11:15, to get my uniform fitted. John Brown is a very pretentious academy, and I'd worked three jobs, and poured my heart and soul into getting here. Only the best attend the Academy. I don't necessarily fit into the 'my daddy got me in here' well, obviously. I quickly slipped on my jeans and jumper, and slid into my most prised possession. Although it had been pre-owned. The Audi was my mother's, she put her heart and soul into the car, and I will respect her decision and keep the car.

I take out my GPS although I already know where my fitting shop is, as I pass it a few times on the way to my grandma's.

Carefully parking in the visitor section I leave my car, and walk up the steps, and enter the shop, the bell above my head dings and an elderly woman pops her head up and immediately smiles at me. 

"Are you Malia?" The woman asks putting her newspaper down and picking up a signing book.

"Yeah, I'm not too early am I?"

"Of course not, dear.  I'm Molly, my grandson Will, he's in the back, he will measure you up if you need anything readjusting or if you can't find anything your size. John Brown, Deanford and Attenwood are in the back left." She says pointing in the direction.

I thank her, and mentally thank that the place is practically empty. I don't like small talk, thanks social anxiety.

Walking through the back I spot John Brown uniform. A black blazer with red linings, a short black skirt and a white blouse and a dark red tie. Not too childish but not suitable enough for adults.

At the corner of my eye I see a tall boy sat on his phone, his eyes flicker up for a second at me, then back down to his phone.

I continue my search to look for the right size for my uniform when I feel a pair of eyes on me, it makes me feel uncomfortable and I start to guess that the pair of eyes is Molly's grandson Will, I mentally scold myself for being so awkward and pretending not to know that he's watching, when I hear his chair scrape my heart decides to do an athlete course and I pray he can't hear it from where he's standing.

I can tell he's now behind me, as I face my social fears I turn around and slam right into his chest, and in result dropping all my stuff, Will snorts, before helping me by picking up some of the clothes that dropped.

"Thanks," I say, grabbing the clothes from his hand and attempting to walk past him, but his arms stop me.

"Was that sarcastic or not?" He asked smiling. I take a second to take in his looks, he doesn't look as bad as I thought he would, but he doesn't act like a arrogant guy either.

"I'll let you figure that one out," I smile politely back, "I'm Will." He says moving his arm in a posh manner to let me through.

"I know, Molly told me," I answer, "I guess you know who I am?" "Yep, how could I ignore a pretty girl like you?" I mentally roll my eyes at the typical boy. "Mhm, well I need to get changed so excuse me" I say speed walking away from him, boys that make comments like that make me feel extremely uncomfortable.

As I turn the corner to the fitting rooms, I hear Will's voice once again, "I'm gay by the way," he says laughing, I stop in my tracks, suddenly feeling a bit stupid.

——

Checking that I haven't left any clothes behind, I pile them onto the counter, where Will is now standing, he starts to put all my clothes in an expensive looking plastic bag, he looks up at me, "Sorry about earlier, I was just messing about." "No, it's okay, I felt a bit silly when you said you were gay."

He shakes his head and laughs, "most people do, well the ones that aren't stuck up with money up their ass usually do." "Well I'm only here on a scholarship, so I'm not one of them people," I say handing him over the small fee I have to pay, as the scholarship covers most of it. "Surprisingly so am I, I got accepted for Athletics at John Brown," I never really though I would but I guess I should thank the Lord, my parents can't wait to get rid of me anyways, being gay has a price to pay, apparently."

"Well, they obviously don't see the good person that you are." I smile at him, although I wish he hadn't of brought it up, I'm not necessarily the best at giving advice.

The bell rings, and a tall, slim girl walks through.

"Tanner" she says walking through right into the back without a second glance.

"I understand what you mean by stuck up," I whisper, Will chuckles and passes me my bag, the girl walks back and stands behind me, not even two seconds later she starts tapping her foot and complaining.

"Since when do we serve nobodies, Will? That's right we don't. Now move, thanks." She says pushing right past me and throwing her uniform on the counter. Luckily it wasn't a John Brown one, otherwise I might've just about died.

I quietly wave at Will and walk out, seeing a shining white Porsche outside. Seriously where do you even get one that looks so shiny from?

I put the bag in the passenger seat, still feeling annoyed about the girl, as I reach my small flat,   I lock my Audi, and read a movie poster about a girl going missing  with her extremely ill dad. Making a mental note to watch the movie later, I walk up my stairs and unlock my door, I make myself a cup of tea and order some pizza, as I walk into my room, I open up my laptop, and have three new emails, one spam, but two from publishers. My heart does leaps as I open the first one.

'Telford Publishing'

- Hello Malia, we are proud to hear that you are following in your beloved mothers steps. I have read your book sample, but I would like to offer you a potential job, and a tour around  the new              T Pub&Co. I know how much it would mean to your mother if you accept my offer.

Many thanks, Gary.

A potential job?? Could this be my genuine big break?  Hearing a knock at the door, I run over, wanting to start up a reply as soon as possible. Grabbing my purse I open my door to an RA-H

"Malia Blanche?"

"Yes, here's my ID." The robots light turns red as it examines my ID. Doing a robotical smile it's arm stretches out, grabbing the pizza I express a thank you and run back to my desk.

'T Pub&Co.'

Thank you for my sample! I will gladly accept your offer, please email with more detail about the tour and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. My mum would be so happy.

Sincerely, Malia.

As I send the email I let out a squeak of happiness with pizza in my mouth. Clicking onto my word pad, I let myself fall into the world of fiction, and let time slip through my hands.

——

And that's how it is now 3.36am on a Monday trying to start a new story, anything to take my mind off the upcoming day, and the extremely embarrassing 'Tanner' fiasco.

I push my chair back from my old, ridden desk, and flop onto my bed, snuggling into my bedsheets, this has been going on for a week, for some reason I have no flow, the biggest writers block, I have stories everywhere across my room, started, just the plot, a thesis, a blurb. But recently I haven't found anything to give me that push. I turn and toss in an unsucsessive attempt to sleep, and as I check my phone it is only 4 am.

Great, no sleep for the wicked.

——

Groggily, I turn over in my bed and look over to my clock, 6.07am. Throwing my bed covers over, I lazily get up and put on the uniform that luckily fits perfectly. Thinking about my email yesterday, there is nothing more that I want in the world then my writing to become known. Realising that I spend too much time daydreaming, and badly making pancakes, i'm late and have no time to see if I have a reply. Already. Typical Me.

Rushing out of my door, checking the contents of my bag to make sure that I have everything that I need I speed walk right into someone walking up my door, crashing everything they were holding onto the floor.

"God I'm sorry, I didn't mean too, wasnt looking where I was going." I look up and realise that, I wasn't even speaking to a human, but none other then an Android. It simply says, "No worries miss," and continues with its day. Those androids are the ones that Robert Morett himself created, word is that his son is attending John Brown. Although i'm here with a writing scholarship, I doubt he'd need any type of acceptance letter. He could just ask, he is one of the most richest people in America.

Pulling my keys out of my bag I speed walk towards my car, carefully throwing my bag in, and starting the Audi, before starting my drive I pull out my phone to the Maps app, although I used to drive past John Brown to get to school I still want to be prepared.

—

Pulling up at the academy, I notice a few eyes staring at the jet black Audi with the tinted windows, they're probably expected a drop dead gorgeous girl, or the sexiest guy

to walk out, but in all honesty I'm neither.

Turning off my car and stepping out the eyes are suddenly averted to another jet black car, most likely a gorgeous boy or girl in it.

My mind wavered at wondering whether I should stay and stare at the person in black, or be late to my lecture.

Achieving my dream comes first.

I promised my mother that I'd focus on my work, and not get distracted. I intend on keeping that promise.

[pomhearts]

Q&A Tag

I was tagged by @sonyeon-ddaeng <333

You have to answer 11 questions and write 11 new questions. And tag others to do the same! It’ll be fun!! (this honestly sounds super cute i love the concept)

🌱 If you could only listen to one album for the rest of the year, what would it be and why?

okokok this is going to sound real stupid but probably the Hamilton soundtrack just because I feel like Hamilton’s story has a lot of important lessons that people need to learn and avoid repeating. Plus it ha many different genres of music that I’ll never get overwhelmed lol

🌱 The sky is falling and the only way to stop it is to accurately quote one movie word-for-word. Which movie are you choosing?

Freedom Writers. I watch this movie a minimum of once a year and have done so ever since I was in sixth grade so I probably know too much of the script lol

🌱 Describe what you like about yourself.

I like my sense of loyalty and motherly heart. I’ve grown up around a lot of people who are unsure of what true love and appreciation is so knowing that I’m able to make people feel loved and motivated and feel like they truly matter is easily the best trait I could ever ask for.

🌱 If you could spend the evening with one person (dead or alive), who would it be and why?

I would personally live to sit down with Tablo from Epik High. This man has been through so much in life and has had his name and life questioned in the worst of ways and I feel like he has so much knowledge and advice that I could literally die for.

🌱 What is your stance on the Tiger v Shark debate?

like the animals??? like an actually tiger and shark?? because if so, shark. tigers need to focus on swimming to stay afloat. their paws are busy paddling and you can’t properly bite when you're 70% under water whereas a shark can just come in and snap

🌱 You have just won the big bucks (mega millions), what are you doing with it?

I’d use it to pay off the student loans I’m gonna get once I start my master’s program, buy a house, invest in stocks and then use whatever I have left to either move to Florence, Italy for a bit or just divide it all and give it out equally to my friends and family because there’s no point in having money if you have no one to share it with.

🌱 Which kid were you: Disney, Cartoon Network, Nickelodeon, PBS Kids, other (mention it)?

I grew up watching all four of these but PBS and CN has some of my absolute fav shows that I still rewatch to this day

🌱 On a scale of Squidward to Squilliam Fancyson, how musically inclined are you?

I’d like to consider myself a Patrick. I try my best to play but in the end, end up with my head shoved into a trumpet :’)

🌱 In the middle of the night your stomach begins to growl, what are you going to do about it?

Probably drink a bottle of water and then force myself to sleep because you can’t be hungry if you’re asleep lol

🌱 What is your dream job?

I want to be a clinical psychologist that helps kids learn how to live with their mental illnesses, a researcher that looks into psycholinguistics and how its effected by trauma and then be a foster mom or english teacher if all else fails.

🌱 I am the magic Genie, Ali, you have four wishes: go.

 1) Ease my friends’ pain and take away their trauma so they can live more happily. 2) Find well paying, stable jobs and kindhearted partners for my dad and uncles so my mom can have less stress in her life. 3) Make the world lose its sense of homophobia so my cousin can buy a pink backpack and sparkly notebooks without fear of him getting his ass beat for being “too girly. 4) Get rid of my own trauma so I can finally start to live my life.

Ok now here are my questions:

What’s the best memory you can think of from the past 5 years?

What’s your life motto and do you follow it often?

What’s the best/worst phrase you’ve heard before?

You can only describe yourself with 1 book, 1 song and 1 movie. Which do you choose?

Have you ever listened to a song that made you cry a bunch? Which?

Where’s your favorite place to just be alone?

If you could take one trait from your bias, which would it be?

What’s the most exciting thing that’s happened this past year?

If you could do one thing without suffering the consequences, what would you do?

What’s something you wish people you cared about dearly would tell you more often?

You have a one time chance to spend a day with your bias. What would you two do?

I’ll go ahead and tag a bunch of the cuties i get to talk to a lot and a few extra people I remember from my notifs because I’m super curious about their answers @drunkennessmv @dumb-bin @kuromatoki @tangerine-jinani @keeping-it-rosey @do-joon @gayforjiwon @strayaykids @unkooked @mauloveskpop @leader-chan @mias97 @jinhuwuan and anyone else who wants to do this please tag me id love to see your answers!!

[archived--hell]

1, 2, 17, honestly all of them if you’re up to it

1 - already answered 

2. Do you have a personal favourite among your OCs?

L O R D T jupiter fuck man got damn id die for jupiter 

3. Have you ever adopted a character or gotten a character from someone else?

i have adopted characters before, but ive never done anything with them, and i have received characters Back from people but besides that nah

4. A character you rarely talk about?

HI PLEASE I BEG OF YOU ASK ABOUT THE GODS PLE AS E IM DYING

5. If you could make only one of your OCs popular/known, who would it be?

fuck uh.. honestly if its only semi popular would i do this bc being Well Known would be nice, yeah, but.. it scares me? idk but uh probably leo or aero, theyre two boys i hold close to my heart

6. Two OCs of yours that look alike despite not being related?

:) eldur and leo kinda? idk i try not to make any of them look alike rip

7. Are your OCs part of any story or stories?

YES! theyre actually all part of one universe called cooking with demons! i have a whole game planned out for the man cast kinda? but all in all its all set within one universe, with multiple different stories occurring within it jhfdksg

8 - already answered

9. Would you ever be willing to give any of your OCs to someone else?

unless specfifically made for them upon request, no. ive already tried that once and it lead to me losing any and all control i had over my characters. At this moment, i only “share” a few ocs with my boyfriend @coffee-burglar and even then, its taken almost a year to even be able to do that

10. Introduce an OC with a complicated design?

uh, all of them are kinda complicated for me, but as of right now, that would go to leos full form. (if u want a ref hmu and ill post it, but it wont be my art)

11. Is there any OC of yours you could describe as a “sunshine”?

like a ray of sunshine? yeah! angel and stitch would fit perfectly for that!

12. Name an OC that isn’t yours but who you like a lot

@coffee-burglar their oc chrome n koh,  or derek but thats bc im a hoe

13. Do you have any troublemaker OCs?

aero, jhor, innis, leo are all trouble makers to some degree, leo being the most trouble some

14. Introduce an OC with a tragic backstory

uhhhh fuck what counts as tragic?

i guess id have to say leo or jupiter mostly, but eldur fits too

15. Do you like to talk about your OCs with other people?

if youd let me i would yell about these fucks for hours on end, ive done it

16. Which one of your OCs would be the best at biology (school subject)?

the best but wouldnt enjoy it: Jupiterthe best and would absolutely enjoy it: colby

17. Any OC OTPs?

stitch/lavaaero/kohcolby/derek/inniswill/happiness��aeyr/Eberictderek/Xhaztolleo/eldur

18. Any OC crackships?

jhfkdfsjghdfkjhgdkfjsgl i never talk abt it but will/aero is fucking A+

19. Introduce an OC that means a lot to you (and explain why)

ah,, leo. i originally made him to project the worst in myself onto, and because of that ive made his life a living shit hole. but,, recently ive been hell bent on giving him a good ending, one where he heals, and lives his life ok, where he finally, finally has a chance to be happy and get help. its,, kind of been a tiny growing point for me? he just, means a lot to me because of that haha

20. Do any of your OCs sing? If they sing, care to share more details (headcanon voice, what kind of songs they like etc)?

uhhh all of their voice claims are songs n such but only a few of them actually sing in canon! heres the voice claims of the ones who do sing:

Aero - thats his voice, but hed probably more likely to sing Something Like ThisAngelStitch - this is her voice! but shed be much more likely to sing something a lot more upbeat, kind of like thisColby (its jeremy from bmc jghfdkg)

and one i dont have a voice claim for yet that does sing canonically is Sycamore! 

21. Your most artistic OC

!!!! oh thatd easily be will! hes nothing professional at all, but he does enjoy drawing and making diy type projects :0c hazels also artistic but with food :0c but what would you expect from a kitchen witch

22. Is there any OC of yours people tend to mischaracterize? If yes, how?

Hi My Names Skinny Penis And No One Has Ever Even Looked At My Ocs For More Than Two Seconds

23. Introduce OC that has changed from your first idea concerning what the character would be like?

lordt all of them would fit that, but the one thats changed the most? lordy thatd probably be will! he used to be a persona that was mostly only interested in dying and getting fucked, but now hes? evolved into a fully fledged character, and has even changed from being human lmao

24. If you could meet one OC of yours, who would it be and why?

jupiter, simply because he is The Biggest Comfort i have. hes,,, really important to me and i love him a lot

25. The OC that resembles you the most (same hobby, height, shared like/dislike for something etc?)

:) its bold of you to assume they dont all resemble me in some way. the most though? damian. lazy motherfucker with 200 emotional issues and no motivation to fix any of them

26. Have you ever had to change your OC’s design or something else about them against your will?

…yeah.

27. Any OCs that were inspired by a certain song?

Nope, most tend to be born from ideas spawned by me n my bf concepting about my ocs, and what would happen if this thing happened? yknow?

28. Your most dangerous OC?

He has yet to be revealed >:)c his names icarus

29. Which one of your OCs would go investigate an abandoned house at night without telling anyone they’re going?

INNIS, GOD INNIS WOULD AND HED PROBABLY DIE

30. Which one of your OCs would most likely have a secret stuffed animal collection?

secret: damiannot so secret: colby

31. Pick one OC of yours and explain what their tumblr blog would be like (what they reblog, layout, anything really)

uHHhhHh 

damian would probably have a very shitty coded blog theme (or default) and would genuinely only reblog shitty, abstract memes, and nice food recipes for hazel to make him

32. Which one of your OCs would be the most suitable horror game protagonist and why?

protagonist? if youre going for the scared baby, colby. if ur going for the stoic “thats weird but ok” one, innis or aero.antagonist tho???? Leo and angelica :)

33. Your shyest OC?

uh, a oc thats genuinely shy and not just anxiety filled? angel :0c shes had a very limited interaction pool with anything thats not other angels so she tends to shy away from others bc she really, really doesnt want to get into awkward situations

34. Do you have any twin characters?

Jupiter and leo!

35. Any sibling characters?

Jupiter, leo, angelica, damian, eldur

jupiter, leo, damian, and angelica are all related via their dad, while eldur is related to damian via their mom

36. Do you have OC pairs where the other part belongs to someone else (siblings, lovers, friends etc)?

uhh if im understanding this question right yeah i do! derek, koh, n a lot of others belong to @coffee-burglar ! ive just roped them into my universe dkjfhkdjgh

37. Introduce an OC who is not quite human

Op All Of My Characters Are Inhuman

38. Which one of your OCs would be the best dancer?

surprisingly? aero! hes got really good rhythm and can actually dance really well, its kinda scary

39. Introduce any character you want

:)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Ill let yall have a choice, pick one

1.) Lust2.) Greed

40. Any fond memories linked to your characters? Feel free to share!

fond?? uh,, not really. but damian does have a very important memory attached to him.

tw for suicide ment hjgkdfs

with damian, i created him after i tried to kill myself and was stuck in a mental hospital. i had just finished reaing the first shadowhunters book, and decided to try and draw the first demon(???? was that what he was?? im a dumbass and its been over 2 years) you met, which had bright blue hair and if i remember correctly, electric green eyes? but yeah. i made him to cope with all the mental stress i had while being forced to be in that hospital, and hes become very close to my heart because of that

41. Has anyone drawn fanart of your OCs? If yes, maybe show a picture or two here (remember sources & permissions!)

!!!!!!!!! yeah!!! my boyfriends drawn damian and most of my characters bgjkfdhgkfdsgl but one i do hold close to my heart (bc at the time, i barely knew them) was when @stuck-in-the-ghost-zone drew aeyr! it made me really happy tbh. i still have it saved to my phone actually!!!

42. Which one of your OCs would be the most interested in Greek gods?

uhhhh,,, provided that they found a way to get anything involving earth and their beliefs itd probably be either angel or colby. angel enjoys learning anything and everything she can, while colby enjoys hearing about the Tea™ that comes with greek shit

43. Do you have any certain type when you create your OCs? Do you tend to favour some certain traits or looks? It’s time to confess

lordt ok

i really just? enjoy making demons really, or anything that doesnt quite fit “conveniently attractive” in at least one form they have. (i also favor making guys bc im Gay)

44. Something you like about your OCs in general

how well theyre coming together, for so long, their stories have been little fractures and pieces that never fit together. Fragments. but now, theyre almost fully put together and its… wonderful to see

45. A character you no longer use?

a hi have.. one. their name was angel aura, a steven universe oc. i got rid of them because of too many.. bad things.

46. Has anyone ever told you that you treat your OCs badly?

not directly, but yes. it.. actually helped me give a lot of them a ok life, or at least a good ending

47. Has anyone ever (friendly) claimed any of your OCs as their child?

@coffee-burglar eldur, colby, will n a few others lmao

48. OC who is a perfect cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure

ELDUR GOD ELDUR PLEASE SOMEONE GIVE THIS KID BACK TO HIS MOM

49. Which one of your OCs would most likely enjoy memes

damian

50. Give me the good ol’ OC talk here. Talk about anything you want

ghjkfgkfdhgklfjhglkjdfhgslfjdgh give me a actual thing to talk about bc im dying op

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

no dont apologise! i didnt check until just then so np :)

mmm yeah it is a bit trippy. hehe ITS TRUE THO. yeah sadly i think ur right, and tag blocking is probably a good idea. sometimes smut written well or not in excess is okay but goddamn when its abt 01 line and thats the whole fic... *silently blocks tags*

hehe i do that all the time lol this conversation is carrying on threads from a month ago :) mmm yeah ur probably right sadly, same. HA HE DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE and now i have someone to talk to abt them, so thats good! I KNOW felix was actually the one who got me into skz with his iconique gods menu line so i guess i have a soft spot for him. i always tell myself my bias is chan but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ guess im more whipped than id like to admit. mmm yeah that does make sense dw i hope they do that as well. YES king seungmin hIMSELF. GODDAMNIT DONT GET ME STARTED ON MINHO IN GODS MENU I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HE WAS PART OF THE GROUP UNTIL I STARTED GETTING MORE INTO THEM. BITCH (affectionate) THE LINE DISTRIBUTION HAS BEEN UTTER DOG SHIT but *deep breath* its better now so were moving on adn hoping it stays that way. sis same but i may or may not have gone thru a rlly depressed phase and actively sought out the elimination episodes so i could actually force some tears out of my emotionless shell of a heart but what cna you do? lmaoo i feel that irl, binnie deserves more vocal lines. yesss channies accent is rlly prominent then, i think also the way he structures his phrasing? is more english speaking than korean? but yeah i totally get what ur saying. AJKSAL lmao

okay then! im excited for whenever it gets done! (maybe tag me?) ahh the cold shrivelled heart of a dark au writer beats again at the thought of torturing another poor characters very soul (/j) :(( yeah that would suck not being able to see them. ohhh ur on the other hemisphere to me! were just going into spring rn. mmm smth to look forward to! YES you put it into words. they rlly are pretty independent from the company (remember how jyp rejected that other dudes songs after like 3 seconds and then how he was apparently nervous to show the song hed written to chan cos chan was so good at writing hits ahhh sweet revenge) mmmYES we rlly need a mute and remove notifications button for our brains dont we?

YES CORRECT i totally agree. some people jsut dont give it a try, adn assume its bad cos its korean smh racist assholes. yes! im coming up to my 6 month anniv actually! sis sAME, i feel like theyre being tugged into appealing to the western american market and theyre not staying as true to their artistic flair as a group, especially with only writing english songs atm. *sigh* ah well, at least theyre bringing recognition to the kpop world. AHUH dead on, theyre going to be discarded pretty soon and then where will bp be? theyll prob go solo paths which is rlly sad but what can you do when the company is run by a prideful asshole? yg is not going to last much longer in the big four if they keep this up.

hehe you get it. oooh very cool! whos ur ult? (sorry if youve said this before) mmmm yeah good decision, i feel liek thats probably a wise decision. this is my first album release as a kpop stan (not counting mixtape oh) so i think ill get it for sentiments sake. yeah! im excited for the new music! mingi was the one who got me into them, but atm my bias is seonghwa followed by san, wooyoung and ateez but jonghos high notes man *swoon* he, yeah atm ive got jake, jay, nikki, jungwon and sunoo down so just trying to get the rest :) heh, yeah kard i rlly only got into cos of bm, ive seen him like interacting with a lot of idols and he seemed nice so i decided to check out the group. ikr gunshot man *another swoon*

no noe! i didnt know what it was until i got it lol. thx toffee ill try and take that to mind :) yeah lol im on a waiting list thats not going to be free until late september so hopefully i can hold on until then. hope ur okay, that sounds like it sucks, hope you can find someone. maybe ill just take you along on my phone and the therapist can get a two for one patient deal lmaooo. mmm, sorry no i havent mentioned it before, i dont rlly talk abt it much. uhhh basically hypermobility? if you google it, it doesnt seem bad, jsut joint flexibility but ive got the severe end of the stick, leaning towards ehlers danlos syndrome so thats fun. basically it just makes it hard for me to exercise, run, jump, stand or just walk for long periods of time and gives me a lot of joint and muscle pain so... thats fun! but obviously so many other people have it worse than me, so i try not to complain. normally in young people it will improve as they get older, but my doctor said bc its severe in me, its unlikely to get much better. but again, i dont have the worst lot in the bunch, so its all g.

oh its good that its not the bad type of rain, a light sprinkling can be relaxing sometimes. aww thx darl, the concern is appreciated but it went pretty well and i managed not to cough too much on stage or kill myself trying to run around to the other side of the stage in the pouring rain so thats good! oooh tea buddies! my dogs a labradoodle, but shes a bit more of a feral poodle lol not much labrador in her at all, unless its her relentless urge to hunt down every bird that has ever walked this earth smh :((( hopefully they can come back on soon, does uni have dances?

ahhh a mood if i ever heard one. hopefully things will get better for you soon, ik anxiety sucks ass. ooh thats always good! when its sunny here, its always melt ur thongs to the pavement hot so the nicely cool sunny days are a lovely change. hehe impatience is not so good for you, but good for us that get to see ur beautiful theme early. ahh no worries, itll come eventually hopefully. and if not, then just things that make you not anxious are good. it doesnt have to be black or white, sometimes gray is good. mmmmm sames i have midterms this week to catch up on and then two weeks of end of terms so thats fun! i hope u can overcome that a little, heres some channie to be ur motivation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8LWyNjzOww. hah! i hear that all the time, he seems to be everywhere. did you see that tiktok of hans slowed back door rap, i stg it sounded EXACTLY like namjoon, it kinda scared me. also teh beginning of another day, sounds so much like joon i swear.

that reminds me! idk ur biases! i feel like this should be smth i should know so please! feel free to elaborate!

ahh im glad, i was worried it is. mmm same, so no hard feelings if either of us misses a day or smth. ill start worrying if weeks/months have gone by, but if its just a little while thats more than fine. ill just picture you studiously completing notes and i wont worry lol

<3 w.a. 🐺

at some point i really think i'm going to start blocking accounts because blocking tags won't be enough. i saw ask tags the other day and it just made me want to bleach my eyeballs.

i could talk about god's menu felix for hours man. the teaser for god's menu that featured his part on the bridge made me look forward to the mv release. you: biases chan, also you: lixiesbabyhands. yes you are more whipped than you think. i can't believe orange haired minho was given NOTHING during that era but they kind of made up for it in the b-sides. i also hope it stays that way. the distribution for this era was pretty fair.

"torturing another poor character's soul" in all honesty, i used to live for this. 2017 me leading up to early 2020 wrote nothing but angst. i have another aussie friend on twt and tbh i'm still really (O.o) about the seasons! jyp should be terrified skz could easily take over that company. heck if skz grow old and start their own company, they'd probably do a great job at running it. PLEASE. i have issues on muting/notifications both mentally and in real life. sometimes, i just wish to disappear.

some people in my country are just disgusting tbh. not only racist but homophobic too. they label kpop as 'gay' and it DISGUSTS me. it's a problematic behavior/mindset people in my country need to fucking get rid of. anyway, HELP ME 6 MONTHS??? and i've been in this shit for like a decade eye. tbh, i’m not fond of kpop groups trying to appeal to the western audience :// it feels like they’re losing their identity in a way. yes recognition but at what cost? yg has my favorite groups but that’s one shitty company when it comes to promoting.

okay my ult! it’s haechan from nct but i consider chan an ult too. like a close second above my whopping list of kpop boys. oh yes! you should get the album just for like a keepsake? remembrance? how did mingi appeal to you? omg did you start getting interested in ateez back when he was still on hiatus? NOT YOU BIASING THE SAME PEOPLE I DID WHEN I FIRST STARTED STANNING. the infamous ateez thot-line. jongho is easily one of the best fourth gen vocalists out here, no one can change my mind :( good luck with memorizing the rest of enhypen! just in time for the comeback too. i hope i’ll get into kard soon but i’m pretty content (and a tad bit overwhelmed) with the amount of groups i stan right now.

please hold on though, feel free to vent here if you like. thanks for the offer tho HAHA but like i’ll try to get checked here too when the cases die down a bit. i’m sorry to hear about your condition though :( please don’t ever overwork yourself to the point that your joints/muscles would ache. it’s completely valid to complain about it tho. i get that you have others in mind but keeping that mindset really doesn’t do you (like you internally) any better? so if you need to, vent your frustrations out and don’t keep it in.

oh my god, about your performance last sunday. was the stage out in the open? glad you didn’t cough too much and did well on your concert. i’m proud of you! i can never understand dogs and poor birds T_T uni doesn’t have dances unfortunately. i think there’s just one party at the end like a graduation ball. what year are you in anyway? if it’s something that you’re fine with sharing. if not, it’s cool.

good luck with your exams! and thanks for the link! AHA what a cutie. i think he does this motivation thing once in a while during his lives and it’s just comforting. yeah joon and han my irl just freaked when we made that discovery. ult crumbs for her. oh god not me forgetting about every biases when you asked. you can ask for my biases in a few groups just list down the one’s you’re interested in knowing. 

i missed yesterday because i was grinding and finishing what if we stay + school work. finally did it today. i’m sure i’ll reply in like a day or two, definitely not a month unless i state otherwise. if i ever decide to abandon this blog, i’ll let you know.

[trixter-i-am]

When someone asks a queer person: - Why do you use male/female pronouns?

It really means: - Why do you call yourself not in the way that corresponds to my perception of your appearance and responsibilities, my identification of you?

This question can be received by me, my friends, you, anyone who doesn’t have clear masculine/feminine features. It comes from tactless, ill-mannered people believing they have the right to dig deeper than the norms of common conversation in real or online life allows. In fact, this question is similar to: why do you wear laced shoes, not velcro? Why do you drink pineapple juice instead of apple juice? Why do you dye your hair? Why do you do anything not asking me for permission? 

I’d rather think people are badly informed about various changes and trends in the world. They don’t know what they have encountered. Accordingly, they want to understand what it is - something new and unidentified.

Have you ever received questions of this kind?

But in fact it’s a threat to every person’s right to talk about themselves in the desired way, to be called a name that suits best or reflects their personality. It’s a threat to freedom of expression, freedom to be yourself and not to doubt your existence. Who said we don’t have this right? These people believe they can fix the behavior of those who are certainly no worse. We’ve spent time and energy to understand ourselves. We found the courage to admit to ourselves that we don’t conform to usual notions and don’t intend to live by binding gender models. Don’t I have the right to be me?

I had to deal with this in casual acquaintances, when completely new people took me for something most convenient for them to accept. And unfortunately it often happens even in LGBT environment.

I got this when I received creative or professional offers. People didn’t bother reading the information on my pages. Although it’s clear from my photos that I’m at least not heteronomative. Anyone is able to get acquainted with the profile before sending a PM, read at least one blog post and understand who you are dealing with to avoid asking stupid questions that force unevitable explaining. Read before you write, so that no one feels embarrassed and you don’t look like an idiot. You can’t be so primitive. But alas, often such questions come from people who want to shoot, look for interesting communication with an unusual person and as a seek development for themselves...

Yes, every time I come across such an individual, I explain. Sometimes I ignore them or just get rid of them (within the bounds of decency, for sure). Sometimes I troll them - and then they begin to justify themselves or spew venom. But mostly I explain: don’t I have the right to express myself that way? I feel that way, look, I write about it everywhere, everything is obvious even on my pictures.

I received much negativity in these situations. And most often it came from the residents of the Russian Federation, because hatred, humiliation and aggression are normal in their communications, especially among young people. Almost everyone strives to pry into someone else's life, criticize, give a spray of bile and aggression to relieve tension from their own shitty life and other people's attacks. Perhaps.

As for business proposals, I often faced the fact that people want to stop communication and cooperation after my so-called coming-out. Politeness and tactfulness on my part, my appearance, professionalism had no influence for a long time. Yes, despite the fact that I do my work better than others and I’m unique in many ways, people were frightened by my mere uniqueness and my ability to go beyond borders.

And some of them even saw who they were talking to, knew how I express myself, knew I don’t perform in feminine photoshoots or nudes, but still offered something that was insulting to me. Perhaps they cherished their hope till the end. We agreed on a compromise acceptable to both sides. We even had meetings to discuss details of the project, but people still were surprised by my appearance, gave a fake smile, and then started to invent excuses. In addition to the obvious queerphobia, there were several reasons.

Those people were: a) inattentive to both their friends and coworkers  b) cheekily considering any different position a bliss or show-off c) believing they would be able to force me to become the person they want in the very working process, when there’d be no chance to leave.

Don’t stop explaining yourself to such people or just avoid them, but never hide and never let them break you. If you show weakness or lose it to circumstances, you will lose yourself and allow them to be asserted and continue to break others.

And gosh, how many of these dumbasses have been forever removed from my circles! If it’s a more or less educated individual, then when confronted with something unprecedented or unusual he will shut up digesting embarrassment caused by the spectacle. They take your self-expression, your ideas and even your unusual name extremely negatively. You can introduce yourself to them in a convenient way, you can communicate with accepting people around them, but they will persistently continue to "put you in your place." This kind of a person doesn’t want to accept your choice and self-determination.

If you ask them to stop treating you wrong, they’ll tell you it’s hard to remember your unusual pronouns. But in fact it’s not more difficult than remembering  a new friend’s name, especially if it was you who appointed a meeting. It shows how much they depend on stereotypes and desire to place everything and everyone strictly on the shelves with a familiar, convenient label. you won’t do anything good with these people. Send them away forever, it’s pure disrespect and arrogance, given out for forgetfulness and discomfort. And why should you be uncomfortable or unhappy to please someone else's habit or selfish desires? Just never have contacts with a boor, both active or passive one. Let them regret the loss, not you.

We need to fight this. We have to fight carelessness, rudeness, disdainful attitude towards us. No one can hide behind a phrase “It has always been so, people don’t change”. If you do nothing and go with the flow, if you live by the rules of the crowd that are also created by someone clever but malevolent, then nothing will change. Never. You need to be flexible, but don’t forget to be firm in the right moment. Demand respect and proper treatment. Demand anything that’s already yours. Do not hide your real self, let those who lack intellect, move back for the sake of those who can think.

I really want to act more harshly, decisively and globally. I do not want to beg for anything, and I don’t want to be condescendingly allowed to put any third letter in my id. It is necessary to dissect the issues of gender and physical differences in general from the history of mankind and from modern society, so that no one ever has a thought of characterising any person by skin color, gender, body weight.

While our society is divided by physical data, it’s impossible to achieve mutual understanding and development. We have to grow spiritually and mentally,  and then our physical development comes. But while people are too attached to physiological definition of themselves and others it’s impossible to reach our long awaited future.

[ol-razzle-dazazzle]

All the gay asks bc you made me do all of them

OWO thank you I love you1. describe your idea of a perfect dateAll of them??? Kakhiwkdkalgr walking around the beach or going to a bookstore or maybe a forest to chill or an abandoned place for a spooky date??? Movie date??? Ocean date??? Marriage date??? All good!!! Crab catching would certainly be on the agenda though. The oceans the best2. whats your “type”My type? Uhh anyone that’s nice to me lmao. Someone i can joke with and I know that cares about me. Quiet on the outside but like, nurturing and fun when you get to know em. Someone that doesn’t let people treat em like garbage because i yearn to be like that. On a side note I’m not sure why but most people i used to tend to have crushes on were ISFJs (or ESFJs) probably because they fit the criteria above. I don’t really like people that are totally my personality, and I think it’s important to not surround yourself with yes people or people that vehemently disagree with you. And communication! V important In terms of looks though? The kinds of girls I’m attracted to vary a lot actually. Buff girls soft girls tall girls short girls thin girls medium girls big tiddy little tiddy it’s all good. I guess I tend to prefer girls that aren’t white (not in a fetishistic way of course it’s just most girls that I’ve had crushes on or knew that were gay that were white just had really bad personalities and that brand of White Feminism™️ sorry if I worded this poorly) brown or black hair I guess? Just someone that doesn’t look like me adjnrujbslltgbk. Also someone I can squish and hug nicely. Of course I think there’s a lotta bullshit with people limiting themselves to only a few criteria and the racism or body type discrimination is total bullshit. Fetishisation is just as bad. There’s just so many cute girls out there why be a shitlord to people y’know? 3. do you want kids?Later on in life, if my partner would then yeah sure why not. I hate babies though so I would...4. if you do, will you adopt or use some other form of child birth?Adopt definitely. I’d personally prefer to adopt a kid that’s older, because they have a less chance of being chosen and I want them to be raised in a loving environment. 5. describe the cutest date you’ve ever been onI’ve never been on an actual date ;v; but tbh any date I’d have with my gf would automatically top the list6. describe your experience having sex for the first time (were you nervous? or was it easy peasy?)I’ve never had sex so I got no gosh dang clue aside from fantasies, which I would be nervous as heck but ultimately want to be as adoring as possible and kisses everywhere7. are you a morning time gay or night time gay?Mornings when you don’t have to go to things are amazing and beautiful but otherwise afternoon or night time gay. Anything that isn’t midday is good though8. opinion on nap dates?I’d be down for it. Sleeping is great, but cuddling and sleeping? Even better! Doesn’t matter for how long but yes! Good shit!!! 9. opinion on brown eyes?Only the most beautiful thing ever??? Brown and black eyes being ugly is a government lie, they are gorgeous. Black eyes just have that deep obsidian stare and like an adoring cat with dialated pupils you just want to hug, and brown eyes??? When the light hits them or you’re staring into them? Beautiful galaxies my dude. 10. dog gay or cat gay?I love dogs but I would never own one unless my partner wanted one. They’re just not a companion I prefer to cats. Cats are very good and fluffy and compact in comparison to dogs. Dogs are amazing though and I need to pay every one I see. 11. would you ever date someone who owned rodents or reptiles?Dude we already planned to live in a pseudo-barn to have crabs, rats, bats, cats and lizards 12. whats a turn off you look for before you start officially dating someoneSomeone who’s very ‘my way or the high way’. (My mum’s a lot like this and it’s caused me to try to constantly be appeasing. But with my mental illness I’ve gotten a lot more irritated by it.) Or someone that is a bit too mean I’m joking about people to the point where you don’t know if they’re serious. (I have this problem a lot with ‘friends’ and it leads to a lot of doubts and depression.) Also highly argumentative people who want to seem better than you and debate everything you say. (Just...ew.)13. what is a misconception you had about lgbt people before you realized you were one?I live in a homophobic family, so I used to think gay was a swear word lmao. I was told that we were unnatural, burning in hell, hypersexual, all that shit. Issues on trans people were even worse, and back when I considered the possibility of me being a trans man (while I experience dysphoria In my body I don’t think I would ID as a man- at the time I didn’t know what agender identities were) I was made to feel like it was the worst thing ever or that it didn’t exist that everyone was just straight and ‘normal’ 14. what is a piece of advice you would give to your younger selfDon’t pretend you’re aroace to hide who you are, you’re autistic but that’s okay just don’t overwhelm yourself, try to do things to the best you can. Also toxic feminity/masculinity is bullshit don’t feel guilty about wearing anything. You’re gay it’s so much easier now and don’t let people dictate of make you defend yourself 15. (if attracted to more than one gender) do you have different “types” for different genders?Lmao nah. There is always that awkward moment when you think you see a hot butch but then he’s a twink. Bamboozled again. 16. who is an ex you regret?A few years ago I was forced into a relationship with some rude ass dude who ignored that I ID’d as aroace at the time. I guess at the time I had some comp het so I think that’s why I went along with it? It was kinda some toxic shit like nothing nsfw but he was just a huge dick that went off at the slightest disagreement and I’m glad I got rid of that trash lmao17. night club gay or cafe gay?Cafe gay by far!!! Well I’ve never been to a night club, but I’m someone who gets overwhelmed by loud noises and people, so it wouldn’t be the place for me. Cafes are relaxing18. who is one person you would “go straight” forNo one lmao, The only possibility of slightly me becoming straight is like a fictional character19. video game gay, book gay, or movie gay?Books and video game gay! There needs to be more gaymes, but books are good I just have less time to read them as opposed to gaymes which I can do whenever 20. favourite gay ship (canon or not)Probably RenMerry from Touhou! These two mean a lot to me, and got me into the series that helped me realise I was a lesbian! These two just work so well together that I strive to have a relationship like that- a slightly bickery old couple with the freshness of new adventure tied together with a love that will never fade away even as it transcends borders~21. favourite gay youtuberDon’t really have one. I’m not really into the British youtuber scene and the ones that I do sub don’t really talk about their sexuality or not (I think sailor j might be bi? But that’s about it) I usually watch comedy channels or vocaloid covers. Actually Oktavia’s Gay, yeah let’s go with her. Her voice is amazing and made me realise how much I love deep voices22. have you ever unknowingly asked out a straight person?Ahbkowejkboesh I’ve had crushes on straight people that I’ve wanted to hang out with but no of course not I’m too shy for that shit23. have you ever been in love?Yes! And I’m still doing so right now! 24. have you ever been heartbroken?While in a relationship? No. But like the whole ‘falling in love with a straight girl senpai and then everyone tells her that you have a crush on her which causes you to be distant to each other leading you to cry copiously at her graduation and never truly repairing your friendship which is all you ever wanted and never being able to talk to her again?’ ...y yeah 25. how do you determine if you want to be them or be with someoneHonestly I try to make a distinction between ‘people I have crushes on’ and ‘people I would date’ bc yeah someone might be cute but dating is another story. I’m someone who varies a lot in style (as someone who may possibly be gender fluid or agender but hasnthad the opportunity to explore that for family reasons) 26. favourite lgbt musician/bandUhhh Queen I guess? Idk I need more gay shit recommend me please. Queen is quality shit though 27. what is a piece of advice you have for young / baby gaysDon’t ever feel the need to apologise or defend you being gay. Be happy even if other people aren’t about you. If you’re autistic chances are you’ll question your identity, don’t worry about it and just love who you love. If you’re a lesbian especially don’t apologise or feel you have to be in a certain role to ‘be truly gay’ and also please ask people out otherwise you’ll never get anywhere- all lesbians are useless and I got lucky shjgowkgowlgr. But above all, don’t feel guilty and have fun exploring yourself and fleshing our who you are, even if you can’t always show that out loud. 28. are you out? if so how did you come outI’m not out to any family member (I say that I’m aroace but they believe I’m straight despite jokes on the contrary) but pretty much everyone that isn’t a complete stranger knows. I can’t help but talk adoringly over my girlfriend so it just happens. Otherwise I go on some spheal about homophobic bullshit dropping hints that I’m gay before saying I’m gay. It’s led to some shittalking and other various bullshit but I don’t give a fuck anymore 29. what is the most uncomfortable / strange coming out experience you have Believing I was aroace and my friends saying that i was in denial of being gay. I was like ‘lmao Domi’s just a friend I lowkey have a crush on her but she’s just being nice :^)’ then like a week later burst through the door like BITCH GUESS WHOS GAY FOR HER GIRLFRIEND 30. what is a piece of advice for people who may not be in a safe place to express their sexualityEvaluate the consequences of coming out. While I live in a homophobic family, Australia is somewhat accepting and there’s no conversion therapy to my knowledge at least (there are highly fundamentalist Christian groups but I’m not sure if they include forms of violence) Especially if you are in an anti-gay country or an area where you could be persecuted, I think it’s important to be out to at least one person you know who supports you. It could be online or a friend that you know you could trust (if you don’t know if you could try subtly bring it up and see their reaction, but better safe than sorry.) because it’s hard to go through this entirely alone. While it’s important to be unapologetic of who you are, it’s more important to protect yourself- this doesn’t make you wrong, but the people who make you feel wrong wrong.