#i have to think abt so many ppl who wronged me literally every single day

[winterchimez]

your moots as flowers? :3

omg hi anon!! this is such a fun ask/game & i'll try my best as i look through the list of flowers on google asdkjadnk

@sungbeam - sunflower (adoration & loyalty) im sure everyone thinks the same way abt you but you're literally a CELEBRITY, the best 妹妹 ever on this earth and where are my photographers at we planning a red carpet for you rn 😤 (btw it just so happens that sunflowers = changmin so 😙)

@from-izzy - forget-me-not (true love & memories) if the meaning doesn't speak for itself enough then idk what will. forever my soulmate till the end 💜 (also now its my turn to get mad at you for *coughs* 😄)

@justalildumpling - roses (love, passion, beauty) if you ain't the hottest and prettiest writer out there then idk who is my bestest dongsaeng ilysm 🫶🏻

@ethereal-engene - gerbera daisy (cheerful & innocence) you're literally a ray of sunshine you make me laugh a lot (esp with the challenge that you have been taunting me for months now 🌚

@daisyvisions - daffodil (new beginnings & rebirth) with what you have told us in our gc abt your irl stuff i think this suits you best!! also cs you're our unnie & i somewhat think yellow suits you a lot 💛

@aimeecarreros - chrysanthemum (friendship, joy, honesty) literally one of the funniest people ive ever met, never change. waiting for the day we meet in person to scream at the top of our lungs out AMEN 😘

@snowflakewhispers - freesia (friendship, trust) you know too much about me & my sister from my neighbouring country. here's to more bickering & saving each other asses whenever & always 😙🩷

@drunkdrazed - aster (patience & elegance) you're literally the sweetest person i know & you're always treating everyone around you with so much love & patience i don't deserve you 🥹🫶🏻💗

@h0mebody-heaven orchid (beauty & strength) literally one of the toughest ppl i know!! im so so glad we hit off right away & heres to us praying that we take over as wayv managers in the future AMEN 😤

@kyaroscuro - lavender (calm, serenity, devotion) another sweetest person ever like where are yall coming from 🥹 glad we hit off almost right away (i think it was bcs of my hyunjae series if im not wrong jasnkand) here's to more convos & stories abt both of our new adventures irl!! 💪

@stealanity - hibiscus (delicate beauty) matty unnie isn't just beautiful on the outside but on the inside too!! literally such a reliable older sister that i've met here and i know that i can always count on you no matter what. i miss you a lot & i always wish you all the best in everything you do unnie 🥺🫶🏻 @quaissants pansy (love & affection) my OG gremlin i love you loads (even though you torture me with daddy sangyeon pics every single time we try to start a conversation but know that i always got your back no matter what ❤️

@sanaxo-o crocus (cheerfulness) you're 1/2 of my gremlin and you're literally so unhinged (like sometimes i honestly dk what goes on in that head of yours kasdnaksjdk) but i think it's only bcs we're this close that we could literally talk abt anything (even if sometimes they made absolutely no sense but it's always fun talking to you, and i miss you a lot my sabrina wifey 🧡)

@cloverdaisies gladiolus (strength of character) the OG toughest person i know. forever clo my love, and i promise you that our frienship is def gonna last for decades, and i will get my ass to EU again one day so JUST YOU WAIT 💚

@kimsohn sorrel (love, healing, protection) my maya 🫶🏻 i would literally drop everything for you and protect you at all cost 😤 i treasure you sm and know that im always here for you no matter what 🩵

@gluion camellia / tsubaki (strength & bravery) honestly i feel like moni can do literally ANYTHING like they're so frickin talented in everything they do and i admire them loads 🥹❤️

@mosviqu goldenrod (encouragement & growth) bar is literally the sweetest like you're always keeping so many of us in check 🥹 coming to ask how we have been doing, and just the best at giving ppl words of encouragement which lowkey makes me forget that you're younger than me sometimes kankajsn

@juyeonszn zinnia (thoughts of friends) it's been a while since we last catched up, but im sure you're out there busy doing everything you can to survive!! im always rooting for you and i wish you nothing but the best in everything you do!! miss you loads my bubba 🤍

@itsbeeble ivy (affection, friendship, fidelity) my pookie 🥰 we're always hyping each other up, and you have no idea how honoured i am to be your moot like i was one of your biggest fans / reader before (and i still am!!!) i love you so bad 😔💚

@strayed-quokka salvia (wisdom) my other daddy sangyeon half (even though you refuse to share 90% of the time 😒) literally if talent was a person it's definitely lennon. again, someone that i really look up to and so glad we became mutuals 💛

[butchviking]

the problem with your chess argument is saying "women should be allowed to create a space just for themselves" and NOT thinking that's transphobic. literally in saying that you are implying that trans women aren't women, or aren't "woman enough" to be in the women's league. the "sex-based and not identity-based" part of your argument also feels bad faith to me.

off topic but also you saying that "this is the reblogging website who cares who i reblog from!" is INCREDIBLY irresponsible and shows that you do not actually care about whatever rhetoric you are spreading, you just do le funny reblogs!!! which i'm not saying you have to check the info of every single op you reblog the posts of, i know i certainly don't, but when you reblog an outwardly transphobic post and just say in the tags "i dont agree but funny we have almost the same url!!" it makes me feel like you are treating transphobia as a joke. which it is most certainly not. get a grip please.

you think it's transphobic for women to have spaces for themselves? that is so completely a you problem.

ok. let me say this outright so you can stop guessing. transwomen are not women. and everyone who makes a distinction between so-called 'cis women' and 'trans women' knows it. a transwoman is a person of the male sex who chooses to live in the female gender role, often also transitoning to appear and pass as female. there is nothing wrong with that and there is nothing wrong with admitting it. i've never understood why it's seen as somehow transphobic to acknowledge that transwomen are transwomen. literally why is that offensive to you. what is wrong with being a transwoman.

and uh? sorry for expecting people to think for themselves lol. it's not like i'm out here all day every day reblogging shit i wildly disagree with but yeah, now n then i will rb something i wildly disagree with if i think it's funny - usually clarifying in tags that i dont agree w it. or i'll rb something i mildly disagree with or im not sure about if it makes me think. or i'll rb from someone i completely disgree with bc it's some apolitical picture of a blorbo or smthn. sorry but im literally not responsible for other peoples opinions. i talk abt my own beliefs loudly and repeatedly on this blog and i expect other ppl to do their own critical thinking instead of just taking any random post they see at face value.

anyway, if you want me to rb from fewer terfs, tell everyone who isn't a terf to unblock me so i can rb from them instead. you wouldn't believe how many trans-supportive posts i've tried to rb but not been able to lmao. if people don't want me spreading trans-positive politics then i guess i got nothing left to spead but terfery ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[shithead-123]

Kotlc collecting head cannons Pt. 3

And finally, last but not least,

Fitz: You thought I forgot abt him. You thought I was a Fitz hater and didn't include him. WRONG. I saved him for last bc he is the ULTIMATE collector. buckle up bc this is gonna be long. He has everything. Gnome collections, rock collections, medicine/herbal collections, knife collections, plants collections, stick collections(him and Biana fight over sticks it's so funny), sticker collections, book collections, jewelry collections (this includes traditional Indian jewelry bc The Vacker's brown idc), clothing collections, shell collections, collections of things that remind him of ppl, ribbons, beads, wires, Doorknobs, carpets, chairs???, star charts, bottle caps, socks, vinyl records, lightbulbs, glitter, stationary, random human junk, Dirt even. Rocks again, literally thousands of rocks. Fitz = rock.  He's such a hoarder. Bro even collects cats. You cannot convince me he has an army of pigeons that he has from his time in the human world. Speaking of human cities. he has a trinket from every area he visited, canonically. He has those ugly tourist baseball caps. The "I love New York" t-shirts. used coffee cups from like Starbucks. flattened soda cans. He looks at those soda cans in wonder. It'll forever be a mystery of what these things are. He'll never put two and two together that unflattened soda cans, and flattened soda cans are the same thing. He's mystified. But because he collects so much random shit, he has a lot of cool things too. Like dinosaur fossils(he's a dinosaur boy) that are really rare. Ancient pots and scrolls and other historical things. And he knows the history behind everything bc he's a nerd. Dude could become a billionaire just from the things he owns. He has three Toyotas(that he hot wired???? somehow???). A private jet. A yacht. And iPhone 13. a laptop that he doesn't know how to use. A lottttt of human movies/TV shows which he doesn't know he has. But he does. POKEMON CARDS. He plays the Pokemon games on Nintendo. He and Dex do pokemon battles. Fitz always loses. YU-GI-OH CARDS. Omg bro would be the only one who knows how to Play Yu-Gi-Oh. he's a master at it Dex loses to him in Yu-Gi-Oh sadly. Board games, card games. Comic books. He likes DC more than marvel bc I like DC more than marvel. Idk who his favorite  superhero would be. I could do a post on everyone's favorite. baseball cards. Press on nails. CDs. Action figures. fake lashes. candy. Harry Potter wizard wands (he thought they were sticks). Antique Chess boards. Sooooo many cooking supplies. None of the Vackers can cook because they're clowns, so when Della see's her son doing some stress baking, she encourages him to expand into cooking and now he cooks dinner for the entire gang sometimes. He has all the versions of the air-fryers. he uses none of them. Knives that are sharper than Ro's daggers somehow. He owns human property too. Illegally. bc he's a minor and also a citizen of zero human countries. so he has forged documents too. He has 6 pounds of crystal meth. He has no idea what it is, but he has it, he thinks it's plant fertilizer. Don't ask how. For all his Vacker properness, Fitz goes feral in the forbidden cities. He collects pride flags too, for Biana and someday himself, when he stops being in denial. of course all this stuff and he still doesn't have a single human penny to his name. Sophie's feeling homesick so Fitz shows her his hoard. She goes crazy. Everyone makes a day of looking through Fitz's stuff. What crazy is that all of this is under his bed. it's all in there. It's magic. You're wrong if you think Fitz is a normal guy. he's not.

[daz4i]

a reminder mostly to myself but it's most likely relevant to a lot of other ppl too: checking on your abusers/ppl who hurt you on social media n stuff aint gon help none. most chances are they're doing okay. hell, maybe (and even most likely if you're in my state) even better than you are. they're probably not stewing in guilt every day over what they did to you. there's actually a very good chance they don't remember/don't realize how much it affected you. it's ok to be upset over that, but moving on from them is the only way to heal from what they did, and checking on them and how they're doing actively stops you from moving on - it's just not helping and you'd most likely make yourself more upset by doing that. find a distraction to scratch that itch, block the url of their profiles/blogs/sites with any browser extension so it takes you a few more steps to get on them and give you more time to rethink it. delete it from browser/search history so you'll have to retype it to get to it. if you can, find a friend or a group that could offer you a distraction when you're itching to do that. just don't actively harm yourself like this

[thisdreamplace]

ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?

Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day

thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!

this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol

firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.

“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.

i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!

the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.

you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.

to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.

No One To Change But Self

There is Nothing to Forgive

How to Sit with Your Triggers

give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖

[cupidlakes]

literally the violent threats like... it's so transparent these people are just trying to get as edgy as they can. like they have no concept of context or relativity it's like someone does anything bad -> death threats. this is very reasonable and makes sense yep :) i tooootally believe you guys care about this issue and aren't just using it as an excuse to send shitty "shady AF comebacks" style death threats yep

i know and it’s so silly bc their true intentions shine through i don’t blame ppl for a second feeling actually disappointed but also if you’re wishing genuine violence on cc’s for something they probably regret in hindsight there’s something wrong with /you/ and this is clearly just an outlet for that

i genuinely do think ppl jump on twitter “education” campaigns to be able to get away w targeted harassment and no one can convince me otherwise this is a big problem with how they go about stuff over there and we’ve seen it with so many people at this point any minor miss-step gets treated as a crime against humanity bc these people are terminally online but also just young? to give them the benefit of the doubt and have no grasp on the relative seriousness of ppls mistakes and that’s ok but why do we then allow these kids, essentially, to be the arbiters of discourse and decide who gets to be harassed for the day and who doesn’t? it’s wrong they physically don’t have the developed mind to decide things like that and end up taking it way too far in most cases like the dumb edgy “|<¥$” death threats that, how stupid they are aside are clearly intended to hurt

you have to genuinely be a terrible person to think cc’s explaining that the way they’re being treated is really fucking w their mental health etc. is guilt tripping like no, this just isn’t an effective means of “education” no one responds to this and no single person is equipped to deal w waves of hate, do you educate a child whats right and wrong by screaming at them? what happened to putting things in context, twitter acts like everyone is irredeemable and deserves harsh treatment off the get-go when that’s simply not true and the reason why cc’s end up getting so defensive in turn i don’t even blame them?? not talking specifically abt this situations and i’m not talking abt whatever imallexx is on just saying, some kindness and understanding goes a long way? ppl took the fact that some people actually are irredeemably racist/transphobic/sexist to mean every person is gonna be like that

like dude why is this shit smth gee even has to say, it’s disgusting. sorry

[loversdomain]

u warn me everytime and everytime i am shocked- a cycle i cherish

IM SORRY I WAS FINISHING THE FIC I AM BACK!!!!

so obvs i started my new job last sunday, had my first proper shift tuesday just done and i work weekends. i always knew saturday was gonna be busy and it might be more stressful because of the fact the place only opened up two weeks agp. but when i tell u that nothing could have PREPARED me, 16 year old little me who just wanted to be abt 5/6 hours working and go home, for the absolute MONSTROSITY that was my shift on saturday. NOTHING HEARTPASCAL.

i used to work in a hotel, and i understand that the organisation skills of a hotel and a small family owned restaurant are gonna be drastically different- small owned or not u still need to have communication between staff members. at my old job u had to be on the ball, chefs had to tell waiters exactly what they were taking out and where and they had to be keeping their food tickets in order and stay on the ball- and at the same time waitresses had to be making sure everyone had the right food and it all went out at the same time etc etc. but at my new job its so ??? just all over the place, esp on a busy day staff needs to be able to communicate.

the way its laid out is there is 20 tables in the back, 16 in the front. majority of the front sit 2/3 people and the back mostly seat 3/4 with just under 10 tables that seat 2- when i got there a bit of the restaurant was full but it wasnt too busy (i got there at 12). at about 1 it started to get very busy, there were 5 of us on at that time so i thought it should be fine bc we also had both baristas on so none of us had to make drinks. I WAS WRONG 🤗🤗

a table of three had to wait 1 1/2 for 3 TOASTIES?? literaly sandwhiches they cook like that is ridiculous?? so many tables were waiting over an hour and then having to cancel and get a refund or keep their food and get a refund. like i wanna estimate abt £100 in refunds went out yesterday?? like thats insane.

i literally almost cried at one point bc abt 4 tables had been waiting 45mins-1hr and ALL 4 were complaining to me at once, and i had to keep apologising and saying im realy sorry and going to check up on their orders that still weren't getting done!!! and what makes it worse is that when i tried seeing how long it would be i was either getting told "theyre on the queue" or i was being ignored- and this is an open kitchen not in a seperate back part and all these customers were on back tables so every single one could see me getting ignored and then being visibly upset which was even worse. i kept apologising like my life depended on it and i think a woman was abt to start having a go but saw my eyes starting to literally water and told me it wasnt my fault and that she and everyone around whos complaining about food understands that my position is uncomfortable which was nice bc that never wouldve happened at my old job (love that woman, dk her name but she looked a bit like an amanda tbh).

anways everyone did end up getting their food who stayed but apparently the woman who started conversations with other tables (the one who looks like an amanda basically started asking ppl how long theyd been waiting for or whatever) is someone who owns a business close by and was trying to start stuff?? which idk, bc she did speak to me when i collected plates that the food was brilliant (its all fresh) and theyll come back on a less busy day ?? AND what makes me even more annoyed is that, one of the main problems the chefs had yeserday was the tickets, they kept arranging them out of order and after doing one meal out of 2 or 3 they would put the ticket in the bowl of finished tables (when obvs they werent finished) so tables would get one or two meals and other would never get it or be stuck waiting for ages. so the chefs would have to start digging thru this bowl of receipts in order to find the rest of an order. so today i suggested rather than using a bowl, a spike would be better because that way it wouldnt be messy and itd be easier to find tickets bc theyd all be in order. i also suggested rather than throwing away the receipt that come to the baristas when theyve made drinks, they give it to waitresses to put somewhere by the kitchen so they know whats going out. and i was shut down immediately ?? bc apparently me and all the other waitresses experiencing stress from customers firsthand rather than the chefs/kitchen wasnt enough of a shout to perhaps make some changes with communication and small ways to make life easier (sarcasm). like my boss fully tried saying "no no they werent the problems, the customers were" ??? SORRY?? if i had to wait over an hour for my food as one of the early customers who came in just before rush started id be pretty pissed too, and either way in hospitality, the customer is always right (act like that to their face anyways)- so blaming everything on them when in this case it was the kitchen's fault is giving i dont want to take accountability for my faults 😟😟 like okay sir whatever u say !!! but at least i got over a hundred quid for this week and 60 in the saving so im well sorted

i just saw theres a part 2 to the fic that ruined my life. do i read it ?? do i ?! OFC i do i strive of off emotional pain duh!! BRB

also omg i have to tell u abt my new job its insane 😭😭

HAHAHA we are one and the same here !!! but hey don’t say i didn’t warn you of the angst 🫡

oh?!?! pls do tell YOU CANT LEAVE ME IN SUSPENSE LIKE THIS!!! come BACK!!!

[masked-puppetmaster]

hey, i saw you asked a while ago why dream & techno apologists are apologists for those characters (and you liked a bunch of my posts concerning that, actually) i was wondering if you still have any more questions - and also i wanted to ask if you wanted to talk a bit about c!tommy and what makes you like him so much? like is it just the emotional attachment to him? is it the trauma? anything specific about the way in which he is written? i've always watched his pov & i'm very curious! / - red

yo yo yo hey! I think I understand it a bit more now, for the dream & techo apologists, I think I’m still a bit confused when it comes to technoblade. I see a lot about people only using him as a weapon/ him not being able to trust people / no one sticking up for him and I’m not sure where it comes from? In all fairness, I only know him as the guy who executed Tubbo / spawned withers but im assuming that’s in large part because I came into the story so late (iirc I didn’t really get into the dsmp until around doomsday, and I got most information of past events just by like. osmosis or reading wikis) so I might simply just not have enough information on techno to get it. Like, he executed Tubbo under a lot of pressure iirc but that doesn’t take away from the fact he did execute him? or things with the withers, I know technoblade doesn’t like the government and I’d go as far as to say he has a point, but was it really necessary to destroy lmanburg (iirc, multiple times). I know he was mad, but I feel like he shouldn’t have taken in that far, like from what I see and understand it’s like yes he had his points but he hurt people and doesn’t seem to care that he hurt anybody, just kinda stands there assuming he’s right about everything and not rlly looking at the situation from anyone else’s perspective. That being said like I said I came into the story really late and so my arguments might be able to be chalked up to just a lack of proper context, and even if I’m kinda annoyed at Technoblade’s behavior I still like him as a character & when techno does stream I enjoy the content so I’m not like a technoblade hater or anything I just don’t see why people can be apologists for him bcos from my pov he’s just kind of hurt people and not taken any personal responsibility for it (I mean this as in acknowledging to himself he was ever in the wrong; ex. The whole Tommy / techno betrayal situation which I think was a p complicated matter to be fair he just keeps saying over and over how Tommy betrayed him and it doesn’t seem to me like he’s even bothering to look at the situation from Tommy’s pov or rlly reflect on his own actions at all)

I just rlly like Tommy! I think at least some part of it can be chalked up to Tommy being the first streamer I watched in the dsmp and one of the ones I watch the most from (half the time I’m watching the dsmp it’s a Tommy stream) so there’s just gonna be some inherent bias towards him there like there is with literally any of these streamers. As you put it, it is kinda the trauma, haha. trauma and emotional attachment lol. I think part of it is I relate to him a lot, and I can see where he’s coming from on a lot of things, and I also just like the way his character is written. Smthn abt him that people have pointed out is that his trauma isn’t pretty and romanticized it’s ugly and yk he acts out and all that, which I appreciate. I can see where he’s coming from on a lot of things or at least understand why he thinks the way he does. I like seeing him learn and grow I like seeing his arcs both personally with himself and with other people. He’s an interesting and complex character and he’s been through a lot and I think it’s just super interesting to see how what he’s gone though affects his mental state and his actions as a character, like just from like a mental analysis standpoint there’s a lot to talk about which I think is pretty cool. this isn’t to say that he’s never fucked up or done anything wrong, because he has, but to be fair so has everyone else on this server I don’t think there’s a single member of the server who’s done nothing wrong (except maybe like. Charlie. Charlie my beloved). He’s made his mistakes but every good character fucks up that’s what makes them a good character is their flaws and so with the ways that he’s messed up and the ways he’s hurt people I’m an apologist because I can see why he acts that way, where the feelings and actions are coming from and I can forgive him for it because I understand the why. Also I just think the punishments he’s received for his actions are rlly unfair, easy ex with exile he did something many people on the server have already done at one point or another and was exiled and mentally broken down over it and rlly it’s just been like one thing after another and even if he’s made mistakes he gets way more harshly punished than I think was fair. I’ve seen people talk about how annoying and selfish his character is and when I read the posts (not all of them, there’s a nice chunk of people who are civil about it) it just seems like they’re not rlly thinking abt his character and his experiences. I’ll see people explain his signs of trauma and say it’s annoying because it’s not soft crying trauma it’s messy acting out trauma which it’s just like you do not understand this at all, do you? Or with the discs, I’ll be honest with you here. I will defend Tommy’s attachment to these stupid little music discs till the day I die. Why can’t he have his discs? They’re his , they’re not even that valuable outside of the fact that they’re his, why can’t he have things? why isn’t he aloud to have items he’s attached to without someone taking them for the sole reason of he likes them. And all I see is people saying he is selfish and cares about the discs more than people, which is literally disproven in the rp. Ranboo flat out says he’s not selfish, when Tommy takes the blame for George’s house (also keeping in mind here tommy and ranboo barely knew each other at the time, and if Tommy was actually selfish he could’ve very easily dragged Ranboo down with him) and when it comes to the discs he’s given up the discs multiple times in favor of helping other people (he gave them up for lmanburg, and then for Tubbo I think twice actually) and the one time he told someone the discs were worth more than they were, that was the moment yeah made him realize he didn’t like who he was becoming and he immediately backtracked and allowed the disc to be handed over. TL;DR he’s not selfish he’s just got a lot of strong attachments and his attachments are both his greatest strength and his greatest weakness. And he’s a kid, he’s been though a lot of things, he’s got a lot of trauma he’s dealing

with and it’s not always pretty but he gets better, he has his arcs and he gets better and learns from some of his actions, and I think looking at him and his yk. Timeline and character development and arcs and his whole like mental deal and just general character choices are super interesting and I find it fun, as someone who enjoys character analysis, and all in all I love him I relate to him in some ways and some of it also might just be emotional attachment and bias towards him as Tommy being one of my comfort streamers

& it’s fully possible someone could have just as much of an argument for c!techno, my deal w looking at c!tommy making mistakes and c!techno making mistakes and being able to be an apologist for Tommy and not for techno is more about me understanding tommy’s character better and understand the reasoning and the why behind the things he says and does, vs. techno who i dont really get and i can’t be an apologist for him if I don’t understand anything hes doing or why he’s doing it and then seeing him over and over dismiss other peoples perspectives and never rlly reflecting on himself (not to say Tommy couldn’t use at least a little of that himself- I am Looking over at his relationship w Jack Manifold lol) can be kinda frustrating but as I said earlier that might just be me not knowing all the proper context

I could probably write more about Tommy especially when it comes to the whole technoblade vs Tommy thing but this post is already way longer than you probably ever wanted to read so I’ll stop now I’m sorry I’m just hyperfixated haha and yk if anyone wants to like add arguments or points or if you or someone rlly likes technoblade or dream or whoever and wants to talk to me about that go ahead I encourage that like I rlly enjoy having those conversations w ppl provided theyre civil abt it bc like we’ve all said a million times over before eveyone in the dsmp is an unreliable narrator and you’re just going to automatically have a bias towards a character if you watch their POV most and all that so. Yk I am a tommy apologist but I watch his streams most and I’m also just emotionally attached so anything I can say has to be taken w a grain of salt bcos I’m biased towards his character

[zontiky]

okay so i tried to save this ask as a draft and it got deleted because tumblr is just such a functional website like that <3 but the prompt was “the hargreeves as ghosts in the apocalypse with five” or something like that i’m going to scream

this is SUPER long so i’m putting it under the cut hfkjsd

pre-five: the hargreeves siblings are dead. wait i feel a drabble coming on ooh

The Hargreeves siblings are dead.

Ben isn’t very aware of this at first. He’s been dead since 2006 -- he’s quite used to it, by now. What he is aware of, first, is light. Blinding white light. And Vanya, in the middle of it. He doesn’t close his eyes because he can’t feel pain, but if he could he thinks she would have made him blind. There’s light, and heat, and power, and then he closes his eyes anyway because the ceiling is collapsing around him and it’s instinctual.

When he opens them again he sees ash. Ash -- and Klaus.

He’s gotten used to Klaus, too. Klaus has a memorable sort of face; even if he didn’t, Ben has seen it every single day for almost twenty years. He doesn’t know if it’s actually been twenty years, for him. He doesn’t know how time moves for ghosts. Klaus has assured him it moves the same as it does for the living. Ben isn’t sure Klaus, stoned out of his mind, bleeding sluggishly from his arm, knew what he was talking about.

Anyway.

Klaus.

He’s wearing the coat he’s been flaunting around for the past week. His shirt is see-through, with little stars on it, like a pale imitation of the sky. Ben remembers his pants had laces on them, he’s sure they did not a minute ago, before the brightness that threatened to wipe out his very soul -- his soul is all he has left, really. His gaze drifts down anyway, to check.

Yes. Klaus’ pants have laces up the sides.

“No,” Ben says. Klaus is laying in a heap on the ground, his fingers curled like his tendons have been cut.

His lips feel numb because they always feel numb. Because Ben can’t feel at all. He takes a step. “No,” he says again, louder, surer. “No!”

Klaus looks up at him. His makeup is smudged, like it tends to be. His lips are bitten raw, like they tend to be. His hair is a mess, like it tends to be, and like it will be, always, because Klaus isn’t breathing.

Klaus is lying in a heap on the ground. Klaus is standing above his own body. Klaus is reaching for Ben like he’s hoping to touch him for the first time in years. Just when Klaus’ cold, dead, fingers brush his face, a voice from behind says, so quietly, dripping with disbelief: “Ben?”

Ben shuts his eyes and wishes desperately he could cry.

He feels a hand on his shoulder, for the first time in so, so long, but he also doesn’t feel it at all. He feels-but-doesn’t-feel someone turn him around, until they are saying, “Ben? Ben!” and he has no choice but to open his eyes and face the music.

Diego is gripping his shoulders like he is a dying man and Ben is the answer. Behind him, Luther and Allison watch them, stunned silent. Allison’s hands are pressed to her mouth. She looks like she wants to cry. 

And Vanya. Little Vanya, painted white. Her head is hung as her shoulders shake with the weight of the destruction she has so inevitably caused. (Ben would say he always knew she was destined for great things -- but he can’t, because he didn’t.) (Nobody ever said great things had to be good.)

The Hargreeves siblings are dead. Their bodies are strewn across what is left of their childhood home, smouldering and burning, and Ben is very aware of that fact.

righto anyway. so they have an emotional reunion but its also kind of bitter? id have to actually write this for it to make sense so lets skip it for now lol

five shows up

he cannot see them obviously bc theyre all ghosts

god if i did write this it would be such a monster of a fic and would take me like 2 years to finish i already know fhkjdsk

somehow ?? they manage to influence the world around them maybe? idk maybe now that klaus is dead hes sober

or maybe hes high for all eternity?

for the purposes of this au lets say he died sober or in the late stages of withdrawal, and bc ghosts cant feel pain in action hes sober

so EVENTUALLY they figure out how to corporealize bc klaus is like blam wham ghost powers

asdlfk that sounds so stupid im sorry

he would say that tho imho,,, it sounds like something hed say,,,

if i DID write this it would be alternating povs also,,,

ok so out of all of them klaus and ben have the most experience homeless

and while being stuck in an apocalypse is not at all the same thing as being homeless it does help to have some knowledge

five doesnt eat the twinkie!! good for him

dammit okay. theres 2 options we can take here. in the comics five couldnt get back bc he fucked up his math and spent 15 years doing the wrong thing, but if u apply that here, with 6 other ppl checking his work this could be avoided and they end up skipping the whole assassin shtick and just hopping straight back to 2019, ready to prevent the apocalypse

OR five still gets hired for the commission but the sibs are tagging along

i think bc five isnt completely alone in this au unfortunately dolores doesnt exist :((

for each other the 2 paths tho theres also options?? bc they (ghosts) can go back in time and inhabit their past selves bodies? OR they could just,,, cease to exist

IM JUST NOW REALIZING HOW MANY PATHS THIS COULD TAKE,, AAH FUCK

okay gonna split this into parts. this is gonna be so long brace yourselves.

1) they go back in time because math checking and the ghosts swap out for their past selves

after multiple years of being stuck in an apocalypse together i think they would learn to get along with each other. like at least a little bit

which would make it easier for them to prevent the apocalypse

bc theyd:

trust each other more

already know abt the apocalypse and not have to wait for five to grace them all with his knowledge

are working as a team from the very beginning

have open lines of communication

yeah uh. so there

vanya is also already aware of her powers so the whole harold goading her into turning against her family and snapping to wipe out all life on earth thing? yeah that doesnt happen

oh and harold wouldn’t know how to do that in the first place because klaus wouldn’t throw out reggie’s journal! this solves so many problems wtf

there’s still commission issues bc they (and by they i mean five) are on the commission’s radar

so there’s still dope fight scenes sdlkfd pinky promise

okay idk. they stop the apocalypse and everything is okay the end hfkjd

2) they fix the math but only five can go back and the ghosts cease to exist

this is just sad! it would be sad okay! im sad! lets move on

subset of the past one: ben CAN go back with five because he was already dead and time travel affects them differently or something idk

aaaaaa

five & ben dynamic duo would be dope as shit BUT five would not be able to see him... so they use klaus as a middleman fjsdsfd

is there 2 bens? is one ben deleted in favor of the time-traveling ben? i dont know! i dont know my brain is melting

either way shit is happening yall!! obviously klaus is clued in, directly or indirectly it doesnt matter but he is on board the ‘don’t let the entire world end in flames’ train

3) they join the commission and then when five goes back in time they all go back

this is fun because now five is a highly trained assassin who is also lowkey a complete marshmallow for his siblings and once again TEAMWORK WOO

basically the first path but now five has a gun fhsdjk

4) they join the commission but five has to leave them behind and they cease to exist

five with a gun but hes sad now

i didnt go into how much losing his siblings would suck in the prev path but like. it would suck so much. he’s already lost them once if you think about it when he time traveled the first time and yeah he found the adult ghost versions but,, its different

and now suddenly hes stuck with these strange adult versions of the people he knows and he KNOWS them but also he doesnt? at all? they dont have all the years of shared experiences together? and theyre all grown up from the first ‘set’ of siblings he had which for five was like 40+ years ago??

SCREAMS

i have losing my mind disease (self-diagnosed)

subset: five has to leave them behind but they still exist because the commission is out-of-time kind of? idk but they’re still floating around somewhere and come back to impact the plot later or something

yeah idk. literally just wrote them down bc i didnt want them to die^2 hfkjwehd

subset: they still exist but instead of being just Somewhere they’re specifically at the assassination of JFK onwards because thats where five left them and they either go on ghosting and make an appearance in s2 OR they cease because them-wise they havent died yet but that doesnt make sense because ghosts can time travel so nevermind

i dont have the brain energy left to explore this one aaaa

okay jesus christ i think that’s all

I DON’T KNOW. i don’t know. i might write some more of this because honestly it is a very fine flavor of angst + hurt/comfort <3

[geminihalos]

🌟🌟🌟Here’s some good things I have to say about every single sign’s energy 🌟🌟🌟

💎I hope I can at least brighten up someone’s day!💎

Aries: All you guys are awesome and pretty creative ngl. No one gives you proper credit for that. You guys care so much and are so bold and straightforward to putting people in their place, and that makes you an awesome leader. You are so affectionate and loving despite having a rougher exterior. Fun personality, great ideas, and you have good energy for anything. I love the down for anything energy. Good memers as well 🤣🤣.

Taurus: haha to be honest, I come across this sign the least out of all 12 signs, but nevertheless I’ve chatted with a bunch of you. Stubborn and strong physically and mentally. You guys have a good eye for nature aesthetics, and are so stable in your mindset. I love how I can tell you guys literally anything and the secret is kept in the vault. So so beautiful and I love wheezing with ya’ll. I treasure all my Taurus friends and the acquaintances. The humor is on point my friends.

Gemini: my own sign. I don’t understand why everyone has something against us. All the Geminis I met are wise and helpful. They think from many different perspectives and change over time. It is 1 million percent possible for a Gemini to mature and become a stable person. I observe that those with Gemini energy are social and we can keep a secret whether you believe it or not (😲). You just have to attract those who are on the same wavelength with you. If you’re two faced, you will be friends with two faced people (speaking for all the signs)

Cancer: you guys care abt everything so so much, which I appreciate to the bottom of my heart. You’re empathic and allow yourself to feel through the emotion that you experience, so that you grow to be more resilient and more loving. I love you guys bc you guys are so chill, funny, and can understand despite the crybaby stereotypes. Artistically gifted I swear, all of you can draw and I’m lowkey jealous.

Leo: where do i even start. You guys are so comedic and the easiest to socialize with. You guys are passionate and loyal to your friends and family which is a #1 thing that I treasure from every Leo. Ya’ll are honest and loud which is what most people need to break out of their limitations whether it be their fears or their insecurities. Good leaders too, and amazing people.

Virgo: lovely Virgos, you guys are the best for fashion advice and to talk to bc you guys are natural healers. People just don’t understand the way you think sometimes because I know that you just want the best for people. To not want them to be reckless. you can talk to anyone about their problems no judgement unless it’s hella stupid. I love hanging around and joking with you guys and you’re the one of the gentlest signs I’ve met.

Libra: so fun and very snarky, I love it. You people are crazy and at the same time calm, diplomatic, fashion forward, and beautiful inside and out. I love how you’re able to be friends with anyone and be supportive in any situation. Good leaders and ppl sleep on that ngl. People need balance and someone to keep them together, and I think libras excel at that job. You don’t deserve whatever slander comes towards you (unless you did something truly evil lmao).

Scorpio: yo my scorp friends, you guys are intense and understand things that are considered socially unacceptable. I love your guys ability to understand everyone and your emotions run so deep, it’s always such a wonderful experience to talk with you. Even though ppl misunderstand you in the media, the media doesn’t understand how hilarious, exciting, and caring you guys are. Intense, so you guys understand me pretty well. Deep convos are my most fav part about you.

Sagittarius: Best comedic partner to every grace the planets. Legit, everyone loves you guys because your energy is so radiant and bright that it warms people. You are so free spirited that you hardly get offended by little setbacks. Having the ability to bounce back from hard situations is what I respect most in all of you. You are cultured as well, and coming from a person of culture you have everyone’s respect. Your beautiful open mind will take you far.

Capricorn: oh Cheezesticks... Capricorn’s appear the most in my life and I still to this day don’t know why. I’ve had such a long history with you guys and know that you are empathic feelers and thinkers, entertainers, stubborn, fun to argue with, and your shenanigans have me wheezing on the ground. You have this comforting energy that radiates warmth despite some ppl saying you’re so cold and distant. Like wtf, ya’ll are so nice and nurturing.

Aquarius: lol asparagus memes... but seriously, every Aquarius I’ve met has never failed to make people around them laugh. Have very crazy shenanigans and are intelligent. Easy to relate to and have a unique sense of humor that also has me wheezing but just so much that I was deceased. I don’t get the Aquariuses are so goddamn distant type thing. They feel strong emotions and have empathy, they’re just good at finessing them so people don’t see through their social facade. You guys are awesome and vibrant personalities.

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

Pisces: ah the rant ability factor is just off the charts. You guys are so adaptable and sweet, you guys won my heart over a bunch of times. Like I can talk to you guys about anything and you guys would provide good insight or opinion on it and we would be chill. No one would get offended. You care about others and I respect that about you guys.

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

Here’s a message I would like to put out for everyone regardless of any sign.

So I’ve been hearing about slander (through social media/real life) on all our zodiac signs and it’s been irritating me because there are. 7 billion people on planet earth and we have mfs out here ranking signs and judging people’s signs when they really never met all 7billion people to come up with that conclusion abt all the signs. There are good and there are Bad people, but there are no bad signs. Every one of you have something good to offer, and I believe that hating on all air/earth/water/fire signs for something 1-30 ppl did out of 1.75 billion ppl of each element is wrong. You know who you are and you should stop the judgement bc ppl can’t control their birthday. No one deserves hate and and no signs should be glorified than the other. I hope ya’ll have a great day. ♥️♥️♥️♥️

[ghostofvixx]

So glad|KYS|

The soulmate thing doesn’t work easily, but for you it gets ten times hardes if both of you hide your birthmark.

Genre: fluff + bulleted au

words: 2.7k 

warnings: swearing the title’s supposed to be so f*cking glad but we’ll talk about it some other time, uhm trying to decide if this is cool or absolute trash, cute at a certain point

other soulmate aus: | san | YEOSANG | yunho | wooyoung | mingi | hongjoong | jongho | seongwha | (no particular order)

Yeosang is usually a very confident person. We could say he has no complexes.

(yes, he doesn’t look like it, but he is)

Except for one: his birth mark

He just DOESN’T LIKE IT AT ALL, his friends -the ones that know about it- think it’s cute but he DOESN’T.

He has tried almost everything to remove it at this point

But nothing can remove it effectively on a daily basis

Not as effective as makeup at least.

And that’s how makeup has become indispensable for him since he was in high school: that’s how he hates his birthmark.

What he doesn’t know is that that’s the reason why he can’t find his soulmates.

he’s ready, he can feel it, he’s been ready for years now, but why the time doesn’t come?

      .:Keep reading :.

“You just have to know new people, you barely meet new friends Yeosang! Once you do it BAAAM the time will come.” Yunho tells him, overreacting as always.

Yeosang laughs, but deep inside him, he knows he’s right, just he doesn’t know how or when to know new people.

Then he began going to parties with the rest of ateez more frequently and actually getting to know ppl

classmates

ppl from other years

ppl from his uni and from other unis

but nothing happened

then he met you.

At first, it was just as usual: just some random person he had to be paired up with for a project.

Nothing new: he’s made a lot of friends like that,

but with you it was different,

he just felt SO comfortable with you.

He blamed it on your personality and your will to do the project right, and how attractive you were too

and you blamed it on the same thing

So none of you dummies realized just how comfortable and heart eyes emoji you were with each other

nor how both of your -covered- birthmarks were actually shining behind all the concealer.

Now let’s talk a bit about you.

Your birthmark is LITERALLY on your left thumb.

Why on your left thumb? Well, that will remain a mystery

Until you meet your soulmate at least

You don’t have that much of a complex but still, you don’t like it

So, knowing it’s the only thing that can tie you with your soulmate, you decided to not cover it for a while

Then you got tired of it and decided to put concealer on it.

It’s not that you wanted it, but you were lowkey mad at the world itself

because your soulmate was NOWHERE TO BE FOUND

Usually when you have a mark is because your soulmate is getting closer right? Or because you might meet them anytime SOON right?

Well not for you.

For you it was like it had to shine or something like that -words literally said by your friend, who liked all the soulmate stuff and had done researches on every type of soulmate in the world-.

So oh well here you are

you had eventually given up

maybe you’ll end up like those that won’t find their soulmates

but it was supposed to happen, right? You should have crossed paths with then at least ONCE for that to happen

But you didn’t

That’s what keeps you going, secretly you have some hope

Then you met Yeosang and you suspected

Because you had that THING like you NEEDED to boop his nose

Even if he wasn’t your soulmate you NEEDED to have something with him

Welcome to what we call: having a crush

crush culture is hard, maybe because you thought he wasn’t the one for you, after all, he isn’t your soulmate, right? AND ALSO because he was ALWAYS with his various friends

It’s like he barely had time for you

pretty understandable, taking into consideration that you guys weren’t the closest, but still he has told you so many times that you feel special

WHERE’S THE SPECIAL NOW KANG YEOSANG?

You barely see him outside class, you barely talk on the phone outside class

BUT YOU’RE STILL SPECIAL? WHAT?

The only time you see him is when he’s partying with his friends,,, and you don’t want to approach him

so you go unnoticed for the night

sometimes he’s noticed, some other he hasn’t

besides, you don’t like it when you’re with him in that mood, because everything becomes awkward.

“Y/n, do you want something to drink?” He would always ask you

you say no bc c’mon there are already a LOT of drunk people around

sometimes his friends,,, which is,, awkward

because sometimes they would ship you and uh that’s a nono on the outsides but a yes yes in the inside, right?

“Are you having fun?”

“I am.”

AND THAT’S ALL PALS

Not a single “would you like to dance?”

nor a singing along to the song together

NOTHING

T H A T ‘S  I T

His friends don’t say it, but they look at both of you as if they were saying “why are y’all as awkward lol aren’t you friends?”

and that type of thought haunt you sometimes at nigh

BUT THEN WE HAVE TO MENTION A SPECIAL PARTY

apparently that night his group of friends got mixed with another one

and he wasn’t feeling himself

he told you that morning that today he didn’t feel like partying, he was in a bad mood

“why?” You asked.

“Just… Some random soulmate thoughts.”

Every time he talked to you about his soulmate, your heart skipped a beat

“Have you found them” you voiced your biggest fear.

“I haven’t, that’s the problem.”

He then explained to you that he couldn’t find them and that made him sad,,, especially today,,,, for no special reason

“O-kay?” You said. “Well, just try to enjoy yourself for once! You’re still young, you’ll find them soon! We’ll see each other probably, by the way.”

His heart jumped in his chest,,, how can you be,,,, as perfect for him? He just feels like it.

Like you were made for him

but then not really.

Back to the point

you were RIGHT about to approach him,,, then you saw who he was talking

that person wasn’t from his group of friends,,, nor a person you knew

and they were talking so,,, close,,, so so close

you don’t mean to do it, but you’re sure you’re pouting because you can sense some chemistry from them???

Or is it just you?

It was one-sided, but those types of things are hard to see when your crush is being flirted at.

Then some boy named San sat between them and that caught Yeosang’s attention completely

actually everyone’s attention too

even you, who barely know him, know it’s a part of the “San effect”, he’s the nicest boy ever

overall when he whispered something into Yeosang’s ear and suddenly Yeosang began to look for someone in the crowd

until his eyes met yours

and his smile lighted up

and omg he’s just so cute god pls help me

you know when he just looks so tiny when he smiles bc he’s excited abt something?

THAT’S THE WAY HE LOOKED AT YOU

T I N Y

and you k n e w you had been admiring him for too long without smiling back or smth because suddenly he frowned

and then you panicked

you’re not subtle at all lmao

for some reason, you seem like an open book to him

so, after panicking, you just leaft asap

not knowing he was actually going to r u n after you 

why? He doesn’t know, he just adores you and can sense something’s wrong

so yeah he said goodbye hurriedly and ran after you and stuff and finally found you outside the house where the party was being held, walking back home.

“Are you leaving?”

you were astonished and flustered to listen to his voice

“I am.”

“Why? It’s soon, isn’t it?”

“I’m suddenly tired.” You said and turned back.

“Suddenly? I mean-”

“Yeosang, you’ve drunk, I’m sure, why don’t we talk tomorrow?” You didn’t mean to sound rude, but back then all you neededd was: a bed

to sleep!!1!111!!1!

not to cry11!!!1!1!!

“I haven’t drunk that much.” It was the truth, he’s not the best drinker, but he’s not a bad one.

“Well, we’ll talk when you are 100% sober, okay? Besides, you seemed pretty entertained-” You stopped all of the sudden

now he knows you’re jealous!!!!!!! ah these kids nowadays

however, you were cool bc if he remembered that the following day, you couln blame it on the alcohol

WHY DID YOU THINK HE WAS THAT DRUNK GOD HE’S A SAINT HE’S BARELY DRUNK YOU DUMMY

but well never mind, you just kept living in your little world

AND you had given the other dummy an idea

“But I don’t want to drink anymore~” he said in a singing voice that m e l t e d your heart. “I’m not wasted, but I know I’ve drunk and my friends seem pretty irresponsible right now.”

he just wanted to spend some time with you you know

“Oh,,,” what else can you say? Was he REALLY saying he’d rather be with you?

OH

“Then what can I do for you?” You asked

“Let’s take a seat somewhere? Is it fine by you?”

“You’re the alcoholic one here my dude.”

“Shut up, I still can talk! You should speak to Yunho right now.”

“Not a nice influence, Yeosang.” You said jokingly. Actually, you know Yunho and he’s the nicest dude out there

another softie

but not in the same way as Yeosang.

“Still, you won’t remember tomorrow, right?” You asked him.

“I probably won’t.” He decided to play that game.

You ended up taking a seat on a bench inside a park,,, to talk about some stuff and all that

and it’s comfortable for a few seconds

until you realized the boy is literally sweating

and you probably are too bc it was so hot inside,,, and it’s not rlly cold on the outside

so you grabed some wipes from your bag

“Do you want one?” You asked the boy “They’re cold.”

“Why do you have them in your bag?”

“Oh come on, you have to be ready for parties, don’t you have them inside your bag?

“Uhm, not really,,, maybe I should.”

you felt a bit ridiculous, but then he actually takes one and smiles

“summer’s coming and this is cool, better be safe than sorry”

He always has that ability to make you feel right

“I’m actually going to remove my makeup.” He commented, laughing.

He was a bit scared, but you wouldn’t notice if he didn’t pass the wipe where his birthmark is, right? Besides, it was too dark to actually see it.

But when he’s in the process of removing it, you see that he’s not doing it right

I mean one side of his face was going to disappear if he kept rubbing while the other one remained intact

so you decided to do it yourself because WHY NOT and well

he panicked, you panicked, but continued being awkward as if nothing was wrong

THEN the time comes, he closed his eyes, focused on how intimate and nice this feels 

and you passed the wipe right next to his left eye, where his birthmark is

while you were holding the wipe with your right hand, where your birthmark is

the moment feelt like a movie

because right when you had passed the wipe, his eyes opened and he held your wrist, and you looked at him shook

and was it you or are you a bit closer than before?

but THE thing is that you could see his birthmark because it’s shining with a very subtle light

and yours was too

but you made no comment because he was only just looking into your eyes and holding your wrist,,, he hadn’t made a single comment

has he even realized?

he wouldn’t tell you

but dude you had sEEN EVERYTHING YOUR CRUSH IS YOUR SOULMATE???

Apparently, he just didn’t care??? So you pretended you hadn’t noticed too??

:(

and the night went on and he still maDE NO COMMENT

D:

DDDDDD:

So ye he just accompanied you home and said goodbye with a smile

HAS HE REALLY NOT REALIZED?

Were you the only one that has felt their heart in their throat?

Is the soulmate thingy broken for you?

There’s literally no other way to explain it

and you couldn’t sleep because all you could think about was the fact that he wuldn’t remember

he had told you

and when you see him on Monday you go ignoring him hours because hoW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO TALK TO HIM?

Are you really his soulmate?

“y/n”

DAMN IT, HIS VOICE ONCE AGAIN

“y-yes?”

“I remember you know?”

oh,,, THEN WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

“Y-you do?”

“I’m sorry for reacting that way.” SO HE KNOWS? “Next time I won’t pretend I’ve drunk, I could notice you were awkward.”

nvm apparently he doesn’t

Eventually you changed your mind tho

Like homeboi be dropping hints about finding a soulmate but he yeeted your feeling through the window

That must be because he knows right?

BUT WHY DOESN’T HE DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT????

Suspicious

It was starting to get you on your nerves

He would ALWAYS vent to you about finding a soulmate, about being ready, about feeling it close

HOW CAN HE NOT KNOW GOD YOU WERE SO ANGRY

He always felt like you wouldn’t want to talk about the soulmate thingy, and he wouldn’t usually talk about that subject, knowing it bothered you

He thought that it was because you were frustrated bc nobody would come through

Dummy

Both of you dummies

One day it all just??? Exploded???

You had an awfully taught day at college, and when you talked to him about it you couldn’t even bring out the subject

“Sh, y/n listen, I’ve been thinking about it and I have a theory,,, do you think she’s my soulmate?” And he pointed discreetly to one girl standing on the other side of the road

“w-why would you think that?” Can you hear a crash? Yep, that was your heart.

“I don’t know, she’s with me in my math class and we get along well, I’ve known her for a few years now and-”

“Do you not like me?”

Yeosang was astonished.

“what?”

What what? Why does he looks so confused?

It made you feel so angry

“Look I understand if you don’t like me as your soulmate and you only see me as a friend and all that, just don’t rub it in front of my face, I feel awful every time because I like you so much Yeosang, you don’t even know-”

“what? Soulmate? What are you talking about?”

You don’t feel like a clown, you feel like the entire circus.

“Didn’t you know??? That we’re soulmate?”

“I- YOU- WHAT? MEN NONONONO ABSOLUTELY NOT WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT”

It’s always fun listening to Yeosang getting confused, annoyed, and surprised in tiny font.

Some curious people were looking at you so you decided to take a seat at a park so that you can explain the situation through.

It was just both of you, face to face, like that night.

“I discovered it the last time we went to a party, remember? We went to a park like this…”

And instead of just explaining, you repeated the action, your left thumb lightly caressed his birth mark covered with make up.

“My birth mark is how I can find my soulmate?”

“Yep.” You nodded. “Mine is too, though it is not as visible.”

“That moment was meant to happen, didn’t it?” He half-smiled so fondly you were about to faint.

“So, about liking me and stuff…”

God you were so shy

And he was too

But he moved his head forward and looked at you straight in the eyes

“ I can’t imagine anyone better for me, I’m so fucking glad it’s you.”

Butterflies? You felt and entire zoo going up and down your body when his gaze fell to your lips

“So fucking glad.” He repeated, and kept starring at you, but not moving forward.

How can he not be so AWKWARD right now??? You literally went completely RED????

But you said fuck it I’ll do it myself

And joined your lips

And finally you felt it

Yes, so fucking glad.

[autisticangus]

anyway im so out of the loop on the mcelboys

i pretty much only keep semi-up to date with Sawbones at this point, not cuz i dont still LIKE everything else, just a lot has been goin on in my life

if anyone wants a long and rambly update on All Of The Bullshit im gonna stick a read more down here, asks are open and its cool to message me abt any of it if u want cuz i have some really nice and cool followers/mutuals here that make me comfy talkin abt that shit

as far as the future of this blog goes i wanna start using it more again! the mcelroys have gotten me out of some really dark places before so i hope having more connection to this community and the people here and their content again will help me like it has in the past! ill probs post more general mcelroy content here than previously rather than just taz btw i just gotta fuckin uhhhhh,,,, catch up on a bunch of shit again before this blog is even semi active lmaoo but im like alive and on tumblr regularly again!!

Wow u clicked on this and wanna hear me talk? Ur awesome and sweet, thanks for caring!

These past two years have been extraordinarily tough. This is gonna be a pretty long and detailed post that deals with the sensitive topics of emotional abuse, abusive relationships, and alcoholism. Please read on with caution.

Back in March of 2019, so this was about 3-4 months after i left tumblr, I got a new boyfriend and things started out really good, he was kind of a "bad boy" and it was fun at first. Im kind of a goody-goody so it was very interesting for me at first to be with someone so different who had such different life experiences than me. I liked hearing his stories of living in a traphouse, and running with gangs, and selling drugs, and knowing people who had killed people. I assumed a LOT of it was lies, obviously, who just brags about that shit u know? I just rolled with it, didnt take it seriously, and found the imagined scenarios interesting to listen to. So much of it was obviously played up to make him seem cooler, and I shouldve seen that as the red flag it was, and all my friends did but I didnt. 

He had a serious alcohol problem, I mean I had coffee in the morning and he had 2 four lokos before noon. it was bad. about 6 months into the relationship he decided i was cheating on him with my ex who i had recently reconnected with, we missed being friends and things were really going well talking and being friends again, he was really important to me! but my boyfriend saw this as yet another thing i was doing wrong. when he decided i was cheating, that become his focus of alcoholic rage. nearly every time he got drunk, which was several times a week, he would accuse me of things, he would yell and scream, he would call me horrible names and make me cry for literal hours, he never hit me but that shouldnt even matter, i was emotionally battered and mentally bruised and everything hurt. he gaslit me into believing i said and did things i never said or did, i admitted to things that were not real, and then i was yelled at for admitting them. i didnt know what to do.

he was threatening my ex too, he would get drunk and say he knew where he lived (he didnt) or he knew what car he drove (he didnt) and explained to me many times that although he had never killed someone, people had been killed before at his command. he said a bullet in the back of my ex’s brain was just a phone call and $500 away. somedays he would tell me he was just going to do it himself, with a hammer, or a kitchen knife, or whatever weapon he could get his hands on during his explanation of how he would do it. my only option was to agree, to say it didnt matter to me what happened to him, i had to pretend my on

/ly concern was him going to jail for the crime, if i showed any sign that i didn’t want my ex murdered, it clearly meant i was cheating on him. 

i pretended to block my ex on social media to get him off my back and it worked a little bit but he still brought it up. and even if he didnt directly mention him, he would always tell me when he was drunk that i was the cause of all his problems, i was why he was so self conscious, i was why he drank so much, i was why he had to work so hard, i was why every single issue he had was happening. logically i knew it was wrong, but i was so conditioned to it by then that i just went with it. i knew that agreeing and apologizing made the fighting end quicker.

things spiraled this past summer. his job needed us to relocate so we moved like 4 states away, away from all my family and friends, and lived in a tiny hotel room for a month. during this time, his drinking was somehow worse. he was drunk literally every night but he was passing out so we didnt fight and i was relieved. i was depressed being stuck in the hotel room all day alone, but thankful i wasnt being abused at least. then he started getting into drunken fistfights with his coworkers in the hotel parking lot. one day he came home just in time to find one of his drunk coworkers trying to break into the room with me there desperately trying to keep him out. i was terrified and wanted to go home but he convinced me to stay. a couple weeks after that we travelled for his work again several more states away. his drinking got a little bit better here, but i was so depressed and lonely, i was so isolated, he was all i saw day in and day out besides his coworkers and i was nervous around them. one day the guy who tried to break in on me, purposefully, while drunk, hit another coworkers car and totaled it and tried to run the guy over and i saw the whole thing. a week later my boyfriend was also fired because he got so drunk he passed out in the hotel parking lot and the company needed to save face with the hotel after the whole car incident. 

so we travelled back home, but not my home, to his where we lived isolated on a mountain with no phone signal or wifi. the house was old and not well kept from being empty for several years, half the appliances didnt work. i was more isolated than i have ever been in my life. for 4 months i stayed there and just dreaded him coming home because i knew he would be drunk again and he'd yell or accuse me of things or otherwise belittle me. it was horrible. my friends all said to leave and my parents said to leave but i was so brainwashed into thinking that if i was just a good little housewife and if i just stayed home and did the dishes and the laundry that he would be nicer but he still found things to point at and say i was cheating. he was also becoming really controlling about my food intake and weight and i already struggle with an eating disorder so that just made me feel even more like i had to stay, my brain felt like if i wasnt under his watchful eye id gain weight again, like somehow it was thanks to him i had lost weight and not my own choices.

one day last week i expressed to him wanting to leave, saying how unhappy i was, i told him how sad i felt and how i didnt think we were such a good match. he didnt take me seriously, so the next day when he got sloppy drunk before 5 pm i packed a small bag and went to my moms. i was just gonna stay for a night or two but he called and screamed at me for leaving without telling him, i told him he just didnt remember me telling him because he was so drunk, and he accused me of not caring about his feelings and made me sound like the bad guy for leaving without his permission. i told him it was just for a few days but the angrier he got the more i knew i was in the right and told him i was done. i told him we were breaking up and id come get my stuff soon.

i got my stuff while he was at work this past weekend and moved in with my best friend. im safe and happy now. things are looking so much better for me and im so thankful to my friends and family who supported me all the way to the end.

i just wanted to make this post because, i know its not mcelroy related, and a lot of ppl probably dont care for stuff like this on this kind of blog, but i think its important.

its important to friends and family of people in abusive relationships to be steady. dont give up your ground. even if the person keeps pushing back and wont leave the person, keep being there for them, it can take a long time, it took me almost 2 years to leave, it takes some people even longer, but just stay there for them and be there for them when they finally make that step. dont give up on them.

and to those who have been in these kinds of relationships, and especially those who are there right now: it is not your fault. it is so, so hard to leave, i know, but please try to find help and support and resources to do it. if all your friends dont like someone, theres a good reason for it. please dont fall into the trap of thinking your friends dont have the best intentions for you. there are so many things you may overlook in the moment that others can see from a mile away are horrible. especially if you have been abused in the past. its incredibly hard to tell what is a red flag when your gut instinct is that anything and everything is a red flag. surround yourself with people who you can trust and listen to them

and trust me, i know how hard it is when youre stuck in that spot of KNOWING you should go but fearing that first step away. its scary. its difficult. but it is worth it. find someone safe you can be with. and if you arent sure, find a reason to leave for just a few days, an excuse, anything. give yourself space from the abuser, tell yourself youre going back in a couple days, just get out from under the thumb long enough to clear your head and things will make more sense with the fog lifted.

when i first got in my car and put my kitten on my lap and told her we were going to my moms for a couple nights, i didnt know if that was the truth. i planned to come back and i knew i didnt want to. i only took enough stuff for a couple days. i couldnt imagine my life changing so drastically. where would i live? how would i make money? who take care of me? i had no clue about any of those things. but after a couple days away I realized i would take care of me. i remembered that i had worked jobs before i was with him, i could do it again. i remembered that i had options of where to live. all of those things were so clouded when i was with him, they felt like impossibilities. once i was away, even just for a short time, things were so much easier to parse.

and i know i had many privileges in this journey not everyone is afforded, and my heart goes out to those who read this and are in this situation and the options i had just arent accessible to you, i am so sorry, i wish i had something more to offer you but all i have is my story, and a wish that it gives you some hope at the very least, and a promise that if you need someone to talk to, im here, i will listen, and you will be heard and loved.

i just want everyone who reads to take something small but important away from it. love your friends, love yourself. please stay safe. please dont give up. remember love should not hurt.

[fmdjoosungarchive]

plot train 4 event choo choo. this is partially for me to have an idea of what my kids are doing, but if any of these activities/prompts speak to you, feel free to give this post a like or message me directly! (& ofc if not, it’s all good)

sung

in general!

he’s doing alright atm, so this is a nice little vacation thing for him, esp since he’s in the middle of promotions

99% sure he’ll b rooming w daisuke

he’ll probably most frequent the library, game room, pool, and spa

color cards!

26th: red (work) sung loves christmas and is a lil bit sad he wasn’t able to spend the day with his family, so your muse and him can bring around some christmas cheer! alternatively, we can hallmark movie it and your muse can be the ceo who spent their whole life working and didn’t have time for children, so sung has to be the one to show them the joys of christmas and love

28th: yellow (mission) i fully expect sung to fail this mission. he can b smart but he’d probably get stressed with the challenge and would rather spend his time looking at the animals for a long time. maybe someone who also fails is looking for transport and they put their heads tgt to find something? or earlier on, your competitive muse helps sung get some of the animals up until he gets distracted

30th: blue (relaxation) free! mani! pedi! sung takes good enough care of his skin but he wants to be Pretty and get Painted (and proceed to try not to b insecure as hell abt it) maybe your muse encourages him into getting painted, or offers ideas on what to paint, or has general chitchat with him during the session, or meal afterwards

event prompts!

if duri suji yuanjun or minhee want birthday presents from sung, Leggo. otherwise, sung could give out christmas gifts/late gifts to just about anyone! he loves giving gifts, whether he’s getting one back or not

trying something new could be a new food, a book that sung wants to show your muse (book exchange?), a gift exchange with new items, some clothing items found while out n about

sung likes talking about the future so he could have a solid chat about going into 2021 right before new years

and he could def get lost. he’s too used to having his members and/or manager w him

andy

in general!

andy is still trying to be a functioning human being by Talking with Others so there are more opportunities for this grump in yalls muses lives

however he’s rooming with hwan which means he’ll be Unavailable a lot of the time

when he isn’t, he’ll most likely be at the bar, gym, or game room. he’d also like to catch a show at the theatre! and he’ll be going out in taipei, feel free to use him as your taiwan tour guide

color cards!

26th: blue (relaxation) i gave this one to him because i think it’s hilarious. andy can’t swim lol he’s not Afraid of water but he’s not gonna be partaking in underwater type pool games, and otherwise would be sitting on the edge of the pool. someone Pls expose him for not being able to swim

28th: red (work) andy is a good cook so he could be helpful for any muses who aren’t so skilled. or maybe theres some ‘friendly’ competition btwn andy and your muse for whose dish a crew member/production staff would like best

30th: yellow (mission) i’m not being all that nice to him so i’m gonna force him into blue group. sounds nice but he hates being touched and i’m entirely sure he’ll be found out because he’s sat there trying to relax enough for a facial and keeps freaking. again, pls expose his ass

event prompts!

i think the words prompt could work well maybe with andy (spinning a lie) talking to someone about fishing trips he and his family took. maybe while they’re docked so it can be more Smooth

charm member helping andy fix his microphone that keeps falling? maybe as a full thread, smth abt how it’s weird andy’s more chipper than usual

presents would be interesting. same as sung, i’ll offer andy giving a present, but just to yuanjun or minhee. otherwise, andy would be very shocked to receive a present from anyone else. gifts aren’t much of his Thing and i do love flipping the script w andy

jeonghwa

in general!

off of promotions and into a semi-vacation? she’s living. her usual self wanting to try everything and anything, get into trouble, have a blast. she’s a troublemaker and a lil whore so have at it, she’s down for anything. her job is complete if the camerappl have run away from what she’s doing at least three times

she’d most frequently be found at the pool, theatre, or every single one of the restaurants. yes she insists upon trying them all

color cards!

26th: yellow (mission) flash mobs are out of date, she says. this is the most fun mission ever, she says. your muse and her trying to figure out some dance moves to present to the group? your muse totally not into it and jeonghwa hyping them up?

28th: yellow (mission) like sung, she’ll be going to the zoo, but she’s determined to finish this. help her along? share what you’ve each gotten so far and part ways? maybe mislead her accidentally or purposefully?

30th: red (work)

the most boring of them Seemingly, but jeonghwa always tries to make everything fun. impromptu decipher’s dream girl rehearsal with mops? maybe shes getting tired and has convinced your muse to ‘help’ her? maybe while cleaning they find someone’s diamond ring and have to go on a hunt to find out who it is (except they end up just giving it to the staff’s lost and found)

event prompts!

new year’s kiss? i don’t think she’s had one before, so someone could fill up the 2020-2021 slot or the trying something new!

trying something new could be literally anything, though, jeonghwa’s never been on a cruise, big bucket list item checked off There, and she’s down for anything. even making gingerbread houses at the ball is something she hasn’t done before

lucid member or someone watching from the sidelines, maybe jeonghwa ~didnt sleep well~ some night and was doing dance moves facing the wrong way, and they help remind her

could also get lost, present giving open to all birthday ppl again, as well as christmas gifts!

[littlebabycrybtch]

internet pleading session number 2 billion;;; for the love of god stop allowing ableism. stop leaving disability and mental illness allyship out of your activism. im dealing with this shit EVERY SINGLE day and so much of it is just inexcusable laziness and selfishness on the part of ignorant self proclaimed activists like. holy shit it is getting so. Unbearably fucking bad. i dont understand how ppl in modern day are letting it get this bad. its never been Good obviously but its like,,, we were being included in activism topics for a while and gaining a lot of traction with everybody else when all of a sudden smth happened (cringe culture) ((aka the normalization of validating whiny unnecessary judgments)) and we got totally left behind and ppl even turned on us. wtf like?? whats wrong with us when was there a meeting where yall unanimously decided we’re being kicked out of the ‘caring abt this groups Oppression’ board like. a lot of yall CONTRIBUTE TO IT? what right do you feel you have to act this way to us?????? holy shit stop abandoning us please im begging this shit is too hard to deal with like stop idk what on gods green fucking earth we are actually doing to you to make yall turn on us like htis and leave us and our oppression at Your Hands completely out of your mind but im tired of the utter disrespect and disregard for what i deal with. i fucking hate it here like jkshdfjksdf yall its hell enough to just Be autistic and/or psychotic .... its almost unfathomably cruel to just. be SO hateful abt that and not give a shit. idc if its weird or makes you uncomfortable bitch ur grown get over it!! im the one dealing with it firsthand!!!! ive had too many crying meltdowns asking why i was ‘made like this’, wondering what kind of punishment im going through to be put somewhere i literally am not meant to be, where every part of how i work is different than most other people, where im told to exist where nothing exists for me and no one will care, just to have everybody talking about ‘progress’ while they let ableism run literally RAMPANT with people saying the r word and making memes out of our severe psychological distress and trauma. 

idc what anybody says about that stupid ass faux offense ‘you cant compare oppressions’ topic anymore bc tbh i NEED YOU , im begging bc i NEED YOU TO HELP ME AND SUPPORT ME for gods sake, and i dont really KNOW how to DO that anymore so like. yes im ‘comparing’ ableism to other shit yall care about, and asking outright why you Presume you get to think we’re different. why our history of forced lifelong imprisonment in asylums, our eugenics and experimentation, our still modern day medical abuse, parental abuse, and social abuse, is Different and Does Not Have To Matter Just Bc You Dont Want It To. if you can call people out for saying other slurs you can call out the r slur! you literally are showing you have the capabilities to do this, but just dont care abt us specifically!! that's FUCKED and you should know it!! if you openly fight back against disrespect towards the minorities you respect, but laugh at or even are part of the people mocking the cringe nd people, you are a self serving piece of shit!! we deserve respect. we deserve basic human respect no matter what, and we deserve more considering how much blood yall allistics and non psychotics have on your hands. i mean for gods sake how is that ignored, how does our shit mean absolutely Nothing to you!!! its one thing to have to deal with it, to be blatantly shown OVER and OVER again how LITTLE people can care, how they cant even BRING themselves to TOLERATE caring... thats whats so damaging. thats the real shit that makes me wish i wasnt me or wasnt here, bc god... i KNOW i cant even SAY smth like that, like ‘i wanna die’ without someone out there reading fighting back a giggle. without expecting an insult. cuz im an embarassing fucking r*tard whos display of feelings is just fucking weird and uncomfortable for people. im a stupid weird ass different ass bitch and no one feels they should have to care abt anything im going through bc im not easy to vibe with. and especially when my pleas for respect are like This, long and ranty and ~irrational~. bro. i try. how. the fuck am i supposed to Stay rational. im being Tormented day in and day out, and left to my own devices by ppl i thought would stay by my side. i feel like im losing my mind dealing with this alone......... so my question is, to all the ppl who call themselves a decent person. where are you hiding from this topic. where on earth ARE you guys lmao fuck

[heyyylittlemo]

Ask game

1. Where did you hide the body??

Me: *pause* No, where did you hide the body—

*police stare at me with disbelief*

Me: there’s no—there’s not a single body here—well stop looking at me like that, you’re the cop! You should know! Why are you asking me for! Body? Whaaaaaat. Ahaha.

*cops shake head*

*whispers to my friend* Guys I think I pulled that one off

Police: you know we can hear everything you’re saying

me: 👁👄👁

2. Favorite rock? The 1975. Dominic Fike. Arctic Monkeys. Bad Suns. The killers. Pale Waves. Etc. That good good shit 👌

3. Most aesthetic season? Fall. Love them orange colors. The leaves falling. Though spring is also neat if you have a bunch of flowers bloomin in shit and winter is only aesthetic when it’s snowing. Boring ass summer tho just be heating me up.

4. When texting do u shorten words or spell out? I used to write stuff out all the time mostly but now it’s like half and half bcuz its just faster and nobody got time for it 🤣🤣

5. Vintage stuff? Hell yeah, but maybe not anything too expensive since some old stuff IS hyper expensive.

6. Colors that pop or blend? Not sure I understand what u mean abt them blending ahaha u mean like when they’re so similar to another?? Well I think it’s nice but honestly I prefer a pop and a bang, y’Know?

- At this moment I realized I was answering the last few questions from a completely different ask and felt like a dumbass 😂 anyways the actual number we’re on is three so imma just kickback

3. Worst dream u have ever had? I had sleep paralysis but was imbetween that and a lucid dream. At first I was paralyzed and could see my bed but my eyes felt closed and open at the same time?? A giant dark demon looking dog had towered over me and began to tear at my neck. It looked and felt very real I started to try to scream and it felt like a scream was coming out but no sound exited. Then I went into a lucid dream where I was being chased by this dog and running for my life I was running by and nobody could save me nobody in the dream when it caught up to me I was back in my bed and it was trying to eat me again. I was so terrified I couldn’t sleep for a whole week.

4. Lyric that comes to your mind? “And I don’t think I can be there. I’m paralyzed,I’m terrified of being alone. When you said I deserved what had happened.”

5. Blood make u uncomfortable? Yes, I passed out once when getting my finger pricked and a VERY small blood sample and another when dissecting a fish.

6. Even or odd numbers? Well I like the number 5,7,9, 3 so odd. (Like me 🤣🤣)

7. Something I hate that I love? Anything I’ve ever loved becuz love can be frustrating. Bruh.

8. 1st initial of someone I hate? Hmm...do I hate someone tho? Not that I can think of...

9. *Skipping down the lane* NOPE

10. Corn dogs? It’s funny cuz when I think of corn dogs my mind will always go to when we first moved to our current house because at our initial town we never had Sonic and while we were getting the house fixed up and moving stuff we use to always get Sonic since it was the closest to us most times to eat and that was a bunch of corn dogs and hotdog days 🤣 so thnk u corn dogs for ur service

11. I’m not a huge movie person so...I looked up movies from 2005 and movies Inlike from this time are Brokeback mountain bcuz it’s gay af, Shark Boy and Lava Girl damn I rewatched the shot out of it when I was younger, Narnia and the Chocolate Factory(although it low key creeped me out as a kid, and idk why).

12. Least fav music genre? Most country, most EDM, dubstep, screaming/really hard rock, some pop music, mumble raping.

13. As someone who waits on tables, my job is my least favorite restaurant experience 🤣🤣 just dealing with ppl...like ok, I’m half Hispanic right?? But I look white. Well, I work at a Mexican restaurant and so sometimes racist costumers will say shady shit just bcuz I guess they think it’s appropriate to say it to me just bcuz I’m not Hispanic in their eyes?? But it pisses me off and I feel like I can’t say anything without causing a drama which I hate and when the “costumers always right” it can be hard to budge and stand up and say “bitch wtf did u just say??” And there’s just folks who take things the wrong ways or ask too much at once or give u a hard time or just say something that sticks onto you for the whole day. One bad move can turn my whole day upside down.

14. 3 things never come near me? Cockroaches, Needles, and close mind ppl

15. Worst way to die? With regrets. Something really brutual, random, or where something just happened to go wrong (accident). Being killed by someone u love.

16. Unusual habits? Doing a Michael Jackson esque “hee-hee” after every sneeze I make, being extremely clumsy and making every task 100% more difficult, having the ability to talk as if I have an accent that comes from nowhere in particular just stupidity also I can’t speak my own language half the time 🙃getting words confused or misusing them in a sentence so I sound dumb having a very weird imagination and thoughts, I swear it like I never went to school and don’t know how the world works, plus many many more

17. Clothing style u want? I want to dress in a way that screams who I am and is a blend of both femininity and masculinity. A little vintage. Grunge. Urban maybe?? What do I know abt fashion 🤣🤣

18. Song or artist that deserves more? Dijon, hands down. I love his stuff. He’s like Frank Ocean meets light-singing beautiful lyricist with a more rock vibe?? Hidden gem. I also think Durand Jones & the Indications needs more love along with BadBadNotGood they sound like old-times but are new!! Oh, and Pale Waves is like a female The 1975 and kicks it. Bad Suns is a good alt rock band that no one seems to recognize :,D Toro y Moi too! His song with Flume “The difference “ is a banger!! Kid Cudi is my man when I want a blend of rock and rap. Also Dominic Fike,King Krule, and Roy Blair, who are all amazing!! Ok I need to stop 🛑

Duck I answered the past questions from a different post I’m sorry 😐

17. Emoji never used? There’s a bunch since I reuse the same over and over again. Lmao

18. 3 sentence Gatorade horror story? A faint quiver overtook the small freezer the Gatorade lay in; no one had come by in days, hours, weeks; when was the last time he met the lips of a thirsty body? They’d forgotten about him, as his last sips remained glued to his hollowing entrance. ‘Help, ‘it wanted to say, but it’s frozen lips could not be moved; It’d stay here, die here...just like the rest.” What am I doing with my life 🤣🙏

19. Do u know what an old bay is? A bay that is old? And old ocean? Idk!!!

20. Can u dance? Sometimes I dance when I’m alone but nothing spectral lol

21. What first comes to ur mind when u see ropes? 2 extremes. Sex and death. Hm. Ok. Moving on.

22. Make an obscure reference. “Even a bra couldn’t hold these nipples” *Holds a water gun to chest*

23. Fav balloon color? Pink or yellow.

24. If u were in court would u be innocent or guilty? Depends, what am I in court for 🤣 lmao jk honestly idk bcuz I don’t think I’d wind up in there

25. Are u hungry ? Nope

26. Unlucky number? Hm I don’t think so but I have a lucky number “123”

27. What’s “JMD”stand for? I’m guessing...Jamming my d—- 💀lol jk ahaha why am so dirt

28. Random inside joke? *chirpy squeak* I’m making a double batch of cookies

29. What sends chills up ur spine? Seeing disgust food or smell disgust or talking abt disgust things like gore

30. How many questions are in ur inbox? A pathetic zero ahaha no one want to ask me anything 😂

31. Someone real who scares u. 2 of my ex friends. One when I was 10 said disturbing things and I was kinda forced onto the friendship and everything they said make me fear for others lives...and then a different ex friend who seemed normal at 1st but became both low key psychopath cult leader type stuff and I booed out of there—-.

32. Run or hide? Uhh probably hide because I’d say even if ppl say “u can run but u can’t hide” u CAN just hide! that’s the point of hiding they not find u xD also why not combine them? Hide then run somewhere far away once I got them off the trial.

33. Last person who made u angry? A frickin beetle that flew at me and pinched me in the middle of singing in the shed xD also my autocorrect

34. What’s going on in ur head? I should probably pee soon—

35. Little thing that makes u Smile? A lot of little things bruh.

36. Are u a descisive person?

Not sure.

*pAuse *

Ok, I guess I’m not then 🤣

37. Would ppl say I’m paranoid? Hm maybe about certain things social situations, singing in front of others what ppl think abt me etc etc

38. Store least likely in? Any southern clothes shop, Abercrombie & Finch types shit, lol

39. Do I like hats fave type? Hm not wear many hats but I think they’re cool any type is cool for different ppl and their aesthetici just can’t rock a hat.

40. Bow ties or ties? Don’t really care but now want to see more bow ties

41. Who? You.

42. What? Reading this shit

43. Where? In ur ass

44. When? Now.

45. Why? Not even u know why.

46. How? We all want to know

47. Do u collect anything? Vinyl records.

48. What tome is it? Time to get a watch

49. Fav transportation? My car or walk is possible

50. Would u ever kill someone to save someone? Don’t want to think about that

51. Make a joke. Yo, it’s time to make a joke—so the other day I was working. And I was practicing my Spanish, yes? Anyone whose trying to learn anew language k n o w s that sometimes words can be so close to another u just confuse then! So apparently churros in Spanish is a desert but if u say it more harshly (it literally sounds almost the same) it makes a whole different meaning—diharrea, but like I didn’t know that so I legit just walked up to this person and asked if they would like some shit to eat. So yeah, that was great. Let’s not forget that I mixed up blood, watermelon, and sangria which is a wine. I legit once said I had mixed wine in my vines and another time watermelon 🤣

52. I’m really confused so I skip

53. Would ur dash be confiscated SFW? By dash do u mean this account? Um not 😬

54. Do I like to cuddle? Hell yeah and manhandle ppl all the time it’s my affection

55. What makes u angry? Close minded ppl or ppl who jump too fast to conclusions, strict schedules just dumb stuff that people try to force when I just want to be carefree 😭✌️

56. How many voices are in ur head? 😐

57. Do U consider urself mentally stable? 😐

58. Are u easily offended? Well U just called me mentally unstable and asked it there was voices in my head!!

59. What’s wrong with taking the backstreets? Uhm...

60. Any questions u want ppl to ask u? Nothing in particular but it’s be nice if someone care to ask me something abt me from personal question to my opinions on shit to 19 days fandom related junk 😌

Woooo I’ve finished this game! Thanks to @seiji-amasawa for introducing me to this ^^

[judehayward]

lady gaga voice slowly fadin in: ju-Das juda-ah-ah… this depressed goblin bastard is honestly my fav male muse like i dnt typically stick w male muses tht long i struggle bt................. i’ve played him the longest of them all n always seem to return to him. jst cnt stay away. way 2 attached to this absurd little man. it’s nai btw!!!! (josefine on the main). launches right in to jude’s intro without further adieu..... (u can also find his playlist here) 🧙‍🎨

「douglas booth & cis-male」⇾ hayward , jude, the senior radcliffe student’s records show that he is a pisces and 23 years old. he is studying ART, living in moris and can be protective, laidback, nonsensical & apathetic. when i see him i am reminded of wearing a faded smiley face sticker on your forehead while receiving a serious lecture, saying “fuck off” to inanimate objects, lead marbles instead of eyes. ⇽「nai & 23 & gmt & she/her.」

he pinterest:

me in the voice of a card magician performing on the street: round up round up pick a pinterest any pinterest!

ta-da it’s aesthetics:

lead marbles instead of eyes, a stolen hearse careening down the wrong lane, wearing a faded smiley face sticker on your forehead while receiving a serious lecture, bags under the eyes that are so big they could pack enough clothes for a three week vacation, a cigarette wobbling from your bottom lip as you squint against the sunlight, passing out on a stranger’s rooftop, placing sunglasses over the eyes of a biology lab skeleton, gangling around the place like shaggy minus his scooby snacks, saying “fuck off” to inanimate objects

about tha Bitch:

born in sheffield in england, bt they went back and forth between there n san fran a lot

jude was an unhappy accident. his parents never rly used protection bc they were super Liberal n Au Naturel n believed in the pull out method bc… they were maniacs. bt then the ONE time they used a condom in an effort to b safety conscious it broke n hence…. jude was born

they just kind of ran w it bc they had such a passionate relationship tht they were like What The Hell…. may as well! itll be fine we’ll learn to be good parents n love him like normal ppl do

spoiler alert: tht didn’t work out

they were ok to him like they weren’t fully Bad bt they just found him to be a massive burden n hindrance to their plans. pretty absent n irresponsible. they literally….. had sex all day every day n acted like a pair of teenagers. it ws a super weird environment for a kid to grow up in bc he literally had no role models or… guidance or…. anything rly. occasionally they’d joke around w him or pretend they properly knew what grade he was going into but for the most part they just Didn’t Care the way parents shd. they lost his birth certificate n dnt remember what they put as his middle name so he’s jst kind of like hmmmm............. n gives himself a diff one every time ppl ask. past variations hv included: jude pauly hayward, jude maureen hayward, jude van winkle hayward. says all of these w a very straight face

despite this he does hv some nice memories w them. usually he definitely sees them fr holidays. frm being rly young their christmas tradition hs been to get a bunch of chinese food like a Banquet Feast n spend all day smoking n drinking into the early hours. perhaps not the healthiest or most responsible bt 😔 jude rly likes it it’s kind of the one time of yr he feels he has a proper family

they r both suuuuper into the arts. rly good sculptors bt they paint too n they actually own a successful gallery in sheffield n san fran

(trauma tw) as a result he grew up around a lot of creative n sometimes pretentious ppl. the friends of his parents were more present in his life than his ACTUAL parents bc they were always jetting off to diff countries to scout out new pieces fr their galleries n just have a gd time in beautiful places without…. the annoyance tht ws being responsible n looking after someone. tbh some of his parents friends were rly damaging too bt….i won’t go into that just yet. it doesn’t rly…need properly explaining bc jude never talks abt it anyway n it….is rather triggering so i’ll jst….leav it for now tbh. basically they just were Not Nice n jude had a lot of bad memories he keeps repressed bt he also??? has some gd ones..... it was a strange environment bt he’s a survivor

(death n grief tw) he hd to do community service bc he kind of… hd a bit of a breakdown before the funeral of his elderly neighbour who bsically raised him bc her kids rly didnt care abt her they jst wanted her inheritance?? so he… stole the hearse w her casket still in it n ws jst like… drivin around the place sort of… tryin nt to cry…..KJJFHSFKJGHKFG i mean. it isnt funny its actually sad bt :/ in a very bizarre n jude way. he gt caught n taken in fr questioning bt her son kind of realised hw… broken up abt her death jude ws n had a heart n didnt press charges. regardless he stil hd to do community service bc it ws like taken seriously even tho it ws his first proper offence. doin it rly exhausted n depressed him so when he wsnt doin tht he ws just hibernatin in his room……. this ws like 4 months ago nw............ just some fun lore fr u all

bc of how he ws raised he has a p cultured taste. he luvs classic lit n p much anything artsy. he can play piano 2 n sometimes gets rly high n thinks he’s mozart level gd at composing he’s jst going fking wild on the keys in a trance...... i mean he’s gd bt… chill

he’s rly sarcastic n so deadpan like he’ll say smthn completely ridiculous bt he’ll say it w his whole chest so sincere.... it’s rly hard to tell when he’s joking or serious honestly. has an overflowing secret sketchbook n if he cares abt someone he’ll probably secretly draw them. does NOT share these drawings w the person he hates being openly sentimental. at heart he is jst a very Sad Boy w lots of repressed issues like depression genuinely just does NAT giv him a single break bt he plasters over this w wise cracks n never discusses his emotions ever. he’s actually p decent or at least tries to b. he’s kind of like tht bit in superbad where michael cera gets rly drunk n makes a toast to women like tht energy...........

he has rly bad insomnia so he like never sleeps idk how he’s Alive straight up. please go to bed sir............. he always has rly sleepy eyes n rubs them tiredly mid conversation. he smokes a lot of weed to try n compensate fr this n make him tired bt he still struggles a lot

ANYWAY that aside he’s at radcliffe doing art, focusing on fine art like painting is............... the thing he luvs most...... his style is kind of.......... taking normal things n painting w surreal colours.... he likes A LOT of colour in his paintings which is kind of a stark contrast to his personality bc his world’s so.... washed out n grey............ lovs art n philosophy n literature n photography n music.... 

ummMMMMmm honestly idk i’m blankin on what else to say. ull find him smoking weed reading an american classic or gnawing at his thumbnail n getting charcoal smudges on all his clothes. wandering the streets in plaid pj bottoms n dr martens eating frm a cereal box without care in the world. he’s p broody n scruffy n he’s mostly here fr a laidback time....... doesn’t rly like when ppl take themselves too seriously........ likes strange ppl thinks the world is mde richer by them n likes when ppl can jst bounce back jokes at him without being like erm. u dont make sense mate. bc frankly he can come up w some strange stuff sometimes.............. talking to him cn b like navigating a dark n bendy road without a flashlight....... 

(drugs tw) once did shrooms n woke up naked in the woods curled up in a pile of leaves. to this day he recounts this as his werewolf transformation. hs no idea hw he ended up there n when ppl r like are u not. concerned jude. tht is so strange? he jst shrugs like.............. dunno....................... suppose i’m jst a werewolf upon occasion. so casual abt it. jst truly does Not care abt most things at all..... almost to the point tht it’s concerning (sometimes way past the point tht it’s concerning too :/)

this is the desc on an aesthetic i mde of his style once n sums it up well!! ‘additionally: too many pairs of trousers, a hideous amount of white t-shirts all somewhat stained with charcoal, a jumper so thinly knit it almost looks sheer, chipped teale nail varnish, a cream corduroy jacket with a cigarette hole singed onto the cuff, vintage wiry reading glasses he almost never wears, a freshly rolled cigarette behind his ear, a thrifted t-shirt with a warped bart simpson wearing a stethoscope with the caption ‘bard knwos cardiology’ and two crops hacked that way with kitchen scissors that he sometimes wears to paint.‘

EXPERT at rolling spliffs like jst. mkes them so precise n neat....... it’s his super power. his fav thing to smoke frm is banana flavour papers.................... linking 2 this he’s like. bad w emotions bt he does try..... once his friend (maggie) ws sad so he brought her a spliff wrapped in grape flavoured paper bc it’s her fav fruit n jst like. wordlessly gave it to her. it’s the thought tht counts.....

PLOTS!!!!!

plays bass in a band which cld b a fun connection to get together??? i picture the music being like surf rock type like........... mac demarco...... bt he also luvs elliott smith n glass animals n the cure n metronomy n neutral milk hotel n talking heads n radiohead n mazzy star n wolf alice...................... idk jst like.... within tht ballpark i suppose i imagine it being................

mayb ppl he shares classes w?????? i’d like someone tht does a similar course n they hang out tgether when it comes to trips fr the module to museums or exhibits or wtever................ they both stand in front of paintings analysing it rly wrong n saying stuff like hmmmmmmmmm....... i do declare i see a, uh..... large phallus protruding from the centre of this image...... moves something in me.......... n some elderly person looking at it besides them is like Ergh. sickened n disgraced. leaves w a brow severely furrowed

someone he smokes w on the moris rooftop late at night when he cnt sleep??? mayb they’re up n cnt sleep either fr whtever reason n it’s become an unspoken kind of ritual where they always clamber out n find each other there n jst wordlessly keep them company

jude is kind of like. protective almost to a fault sometimes........... mayb some guy he’s punched......................... if they hurt someone he cares abt........... typically it wld hv been a girl he ws kind of like. affected by his first relationship bc she had a bad home situation n ever since jst wnts..... to Protect it’s kind of like an automatic instinct ingrained in him nw 😔 all sounds very noble n well bt sometimes it cn b a bit of an escalation i wnt lie

perhaps a few hook-ups??? jude doesn’t tend to sleep w ppl he rly knows bc he just..... likes it to b an impersonal thing doesn’t like getting attached fr various reasons so mayb they only kno each other via this OR mayb he bent his rules a bit..... cld either work seamlessly or hv added drama if one side hs mre feelings or whtever

currently living in moris w 2 roommates bt i’d love some neighbours perhaps..... mayb someone tht lives directly nxt door to his room n is like ://// bc he plays music loud n weeds always drifting frm his window n mking their room smell if theirs is open too................. or mayb they get on..... mayb there’s a rly mean seagull tht lands on a branch n poos on pedestrians n they both commentate on it frm their windows like david attenborough...... they’re like he’s at it again. they’ve named him n everything

HONESTLY anything if u have an idea hmu i’d love 2 hear it.......... rubs my hands tgether in excitement to plot up a storm w u all