#i have to make it mine dont i... but thats scary and hard... like most things

[stabyou]

i feel very unloved and left out. i wish i had a big friend group like everyone else... but i always stick out like a sore thumb whenever im amongst a group. if only the antipsychotics could make my weird, unlikeable aura go away

[darlinguistics]

'its just IMPOSSIBLE to not be addicted to your phone nowadays its UNREALISTIC-'

heres some advice to being less chronically online. for gen z (and younger??) who dont even know how to start thinking about it and have only heard shitty advice from older adults who just genuinely do not get it, from a fellow gen z and my experiences so far.

*these are personal and may not all 100% resonate but its still good prompting to start thinking about things! PLEASE feel free to add your own stories/advice in the notes! support your fellow humans, dont gatekeep what youve learned, lets have these conversations! and no negativity/pessimism please <3

first thing is to make it a less scary thought, a more concrete idea and not a hypothetical. it doesnt have to be all-or-nothing, cold turkey, a huge announcement and a fundamental shift in your personality. the internet will be in your life for the rest of your life, this is an ongoing relationship you are trying to make healthier thats all! and it takes one step at a time and some self-compassion, but a true effort nonetheless. 'dont you think thats a bit too serious-' if youre my age you quite literally grew up and developed online, it is literally part of your psyche the way your childhood is, it IS serious, you deserve to treat it seriously.

dont save your login info/dont stay logged in for social media accounts, having to manually log in when you want to go on like youre on some elementary school chrome book is a really healthy and clear boundary to have between being logged off and logged on.

-> bigger challenge - uninstall it on your phone in general, only log on on your laptop/pc if applicable for you!

if youre motivated to, try to work on your posture too. i only say that because most of our bad posture is at least partially related to being on our phones a lot, and when i started wanting to fix my posture, completely separately and unrelated from trying to break my phone addiction, it made it easier to lose interest in my phone since i didnt want to ruin my progress with my posture. it made me start to have a mindset like 'well if you cant do this on your phone with good posture then dont do it' and 'if youre on your phone so long your posture starts to cave in, youve probably spent too long on your phone anyway'

listen to music more. its easier for me to kinda write off my phone and do other things if i just open music or a podcast or long youtube video on it. i know we all love long video essays, but i recommend music more specifically for me at least because im less inclined to pause music or scroll while listening to it for some reason? whereas using a show or video or podcast for white noise, im way more likely to also be scrolling on my phone and that is my activity lol. music for some reason i dont want to interrupt and instead of being on my phone i can clean or do something productive on my computer etc

this one is sooo hard but try to fall asleep with some distance between you and your phone, even just a couple feet. mine stays on the desk next to my bed which isnt that far but its better than on bed like it used to be. when you wake up you probably wont feel like reaching for it right away if its far and even better if you have to get up for it because then at least you stand and move your body first thing instead of looking at your phone first thing. and try to get more and more of your morning routine done before touching your phone over time.

-> for me, i started by just trying to at least wake up a bit in bed before touching it, then stand up before touching it, then stand and stretch, then going to the bathroom first, making coffee first, feeding the cat first, etc. its surprisingly helpful to have a specific chore/task in mind that is The requirement so that everytime you do it you get a lil dopamine rush for unlocking your phone from yourself lmao. when the weather was nice i used to make my Requirement being outside first before going on it and i LOVED that. esp as it got easier and i started doing more and more before going on it and finally walking outside with coffee and my phone felt like such a pleasant little reward.

find a hobby that uses your hands. example: i really need to get back into knitting because when i did it regularly so much time that wouldve been on my phone was spent knitting with music/podcasts/shows/(even online lectures! when i felt productive lol) playing. its the same amount of physical relaxing - barely moving lol - but uses a longer attention span and a much better dopamine hit than scrolling, i literally MADE things.

-> you might be thinking, 'but mindless knitting isnt better than mindless scrolling is it?' but that mindless feeling on your phone is just that, mindless. the mindless feeling you get when doing something like knitting is actually closer to a flow state, which is actually incredibly good for you, like a fulfilling nutritious meal as opposed to 'empty calories' or whatever

get a widget for your homescreen that shows your screen time. i have one and of course it doesnt always stop me but seeing that time go up all day the more i use it and the pride of keeping it low is really helpful

practice grounding. in general.

spend more time on anonymous activities and have more privacy and less attachment with your 'persona' - what i mean by that is, i consider things like scrolling through tumblr (for me personally!) to be relatively harmless because i dont try to like,, brand myself here. if youre a tumblr regular you know the jokes - 0 follows, 0 notes, screaming to the void, moots you dont talk to, blorbo pfp and urls, fake names everywhere, and we're having fun! basically targeting the 'everyone is famous now' thing with this one - embrace being a nobody with no personal stakes here

-> personally ive never kept up with having social media accounts that are actually just, me irl - like a facebook or main instagram, like a locals account yknow? but i think it goes for that too - stop spending so much time trying to further personalize your online presence in the hopes of it representing you perfectly - because it never will, and it shouldnt, and you shouldnt aspire for that. your social media presence is lighthearted and incredibly surface-level, treat it like that! thats not me bashing social media either, having that mindset will make it more enjoyable bc youll be using it as it should be used!

do following/followers or camera roll/files or app purges. this is also a soft launch type of way to practice easing into a better mindset. aside from just literally getting rid of junk, the process of trying to judge whether or not you need something is good practice in mindfulness! even if you dont delete everything you feel like you maybe should, thats fine, youll do other purges in the future too. eventually youll get better at parting with things and realizing when things that feel good in a moment are actually bad for you. and it forces you to regularly check in on your more long-lasting parasocial relationships online and how theyre serving you or not

speaking of parasocial - for actual friends, if theyre irl, think about how much you interact with them online vs in person and why you think that is and how it affects you. maybe youll wanna see them more irl if possible (i promise its better for your friendship), maybe youll realize you dont need to keep tabs on them anymore (old high school acquaintances lookin at you). for celebrities and fandom things - try to think about the bare minimum content from them you could do with. you dont have to unstan all your faves and stop enjoying things - but do you need their notifications on? do you need to have a stan account? do you need them on all the platforms? do you need to have all that saved content of them? are there aspects of this that you love that could be found elsewhere?

if youre of the genre of online where you just cant help yourself from getting involved in big discussions or discourse and arguments - i recommend journaling when you get upset by something online, articulating your feelings without the idea of someone ever reading it and without the goal of 'winning' or being the most correct and logical or even the most sympathetic and morally good. take away every audience aspect of it. what is this really about for you, and why would strangers online deserve to hear your personal well-thought out opinions? why would your thoughts deserve to be simplified and misconstrued and underappreciated the way they would be in this discussion? is there even an outcome to this where you feel truly satisfied? are their people who are more worthy of hearing your thoughts who arent part of this audience? is this a conversation that is best held online where so much communicative nuance is inevitably sacrificed?

in the end these are all just practices in remembering how in control you are. and that goes for if any of these are scary or too difficult sounding too! these all become less scary if you remember that as soon as anything becomes too uncomfortable or painful, you have all the power to stop doing it, make a change, and try again later. so much of advice for quitting bad habits can be intimidating because the pressure and the shame that would come from failing scares you out of the possible benefits of trying - just go ahead and kill that shame from the jump. of course youre going to fail! you are going to have setbacks! thats part of it! you have agency in this, always. the internet is not inherently or completely evil nor good. build trust in yourself to make the calls on when it is serving you and when it isnt on a case-by-case basis, and then give yourself permission to learn through trial and error.

and remember you are worth all of this effort. i believe in us <3

[dignityofadog]

eughhhhh why does my entire life revolve around ollie!!! not that im complaining, of course. if ollie isnt online then im thinking about ollie. if im not online then im thinking about ollie. oh, i did something that reminds me of ollie. would ollie like this? should i show this to ollie? i wonder if ollie does the same things i do. in fact, i wonder what ollie's routine is. that skk pic reminds me of us! ill tag them. i found a silly audio i could send to them. i also saw a picture of a cat. ollie seems to like cats. i should compare him to them. they mentioned they like getting compared to cats. and biting stuff (or themselves, really). ollie really does sound like one. their bedtime is around 11:00 pm. but they live in ireland, which is around 8 hours ahead from where i live, so its usually 3 in the afternoon when they go offline. they get up at midnight in my time, so 8 o'clock there. i try to pass the time but it takes forever. sometimes ill nap or read. maybe masturbate. it gets boring without them. ollie's never skateboarded before; they think its scary. he said they think their height is 5'1, just an inch under me. i like to tease ollie about that. ollie takes really short showers, too (just like him). i also tease them about that. it doesnt seem to like flirting, but when its playful and non-genuine they find it funny, although i try to avoid it altogether. in a discord chat, before they met me, ollie said partner was a term they favored over girlfriend/boyfriend. i think its cute; im starting to prefer 'partner' too. it said they thought about cuddling a lot. ill try to bring it up once in awhile to know theyre not alone in that thought. they bought a plant after we first met. we call each other names a lot, like 'homosexual' or 'gay' or smth about the country we live in. its fun to do that. theyll make posts on the transmasc dazai headcanon. it projects a lot onto dazai, especially 15zai. they like bsd gacha reactions but not the ooc ones yet he stills watches them anyways. the only types he doesnt watch are the videos including youtube shorts. its relatable though. they recently made a strawpage if any of y'all have scrolled so far. ollie is autistic and says they take showers a lot because he doesnt like being sweaty. it said theyre asexual so even if theyre fine with sex jokes, i also try not to bring them up often. he has three dogs in total, four at their dad's home (the ones most popular in being sent to me are ruby and archie; his dad's girlfriend has two other dogs called suzie and max) and one at their mom's (poppy). they call their mom 'mam' which i, again, think is cute. their birthday is december 20th. thats only six days before mine. ollie sends me voice messages a lot and i really like their voice. some words are kinda hard to hear with the dialect differences but its mainly understandable. ollie introduced me to the game pony town a few weeks ago and i really go on there to boop and kiss them. other than that, im not online often. purple, yellow, certain shades of green and brown, and blue are some colors ollie said they liked. i once asked if theyd rate himself out of ten. ollie's answer was '10/10 ofc'. ill think about if i could vent about unimportant things that seem important at the moment. ollie could do the same to me. i wouldnt mind. i find that everything about it is important. it might like this song or this band or this genre. whats his favorite author? should i vc or is it at their moms home? why wont they respond? ollie must be busy. but what if ollie isnt? what if theyre ignoring me? i really do know i need to stop getting caught up in my head. i know they care for me. but even the tiniest bit of thinking they dont like me makes me upset. but then they text me and i get happy again!! i love talking to them <3 it brings me comfort. speaking of comfort, they'll try to make me feel better when i mention im sad, it doesnt help much, but i appreciate the thought. i really do. ollie's kind.

[chirpchangeling]

5, 6, 12, 21 for J0hn? (you don't have to do all those dfsjlskdsdf)

5. What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them?

First song that comes to mind is probably johnathan coulton's Artificial Heart, i still remember so fondly that bit of art bubbly made for it in relation to the j0hn playlist. Im not sure its the song that fully encapsulates him best but it is a favorite of mine

6. What's something you have in common with this character?

we're Fixers. Being able to Apply ourself hands on, practically, in the solution or prevention of problems helps us feel more comfortable and in control of stressful and anxiety inducing situations 👍

Also massive fucking nerds about media but thats a given

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

While Larry/FL Man was a 'maybe this is just a phase?' baby gay as seen in the nccts i think john was a 'i always sorta knew i was different™️ and- especially before i knew how to label how- that was alienating and scary to confront or acknowledge' baby gay. Seems thematically in line with his whole 'knows exactly who he is and who he wants to be' thing and the fact he percieves and feels prism's attempts at changing his words as 'anxiety'

21. If you're a fic writer and have written for this character, what's your favorite thing to do when you're writing for this character? What's something you don't like?

I LOVED writing j0hn for Hour Hand, I love trying to express a character through writing how they think about their circumstances and he comes very naturally to me as a POV character because he seems to think through his circumstances pretty thoroughly, which lets me explore a lot of things easily that writing other characters faithfully makes hard. cough dantoinette and crimson you annoying little avoidant fuckheads cough

In terms of things i dont like thinking of appropriate J0hnisms (awkwardly phrased 'buddy i know what you mean but what do you mean' coolguy shit like 'i can hack this for breakfast' or 'she was a total lamo to my whole body') on purpose is hardddddd :( fumbling a phrase on purpose in a way that feels natural in writing is harddddddd :( which makes me sad because theyre one of his most charming features to me

[studioboner]

ur art iz soso cute and pretty!! do you have any tipz for when working with watercolor(or paint in general)?

Sure!

Dont bother buying expensive materials if youre just starting, cheap or intermediate stuff is more than enough to start off and decide if you really like it and want to continue. Plus some mro expensive materials are harder to use if you dont have practice. I would never recommend a natural hair brush for a begginer watercolorist Those videos about essentials skills to have, or most common mistakes made CAN help, dont let them limit how you experiment with watercolors though, there are no rules. Those are usually tips given to make it easier to do a technic the most common way. You're free to try different paths Aim for an in-between level of "too easy, i can do this" and "too hard thats not on my skill yet". You have to find a middle ground to do it because that's what help keep people interested. If you only paint the very easy watercolor tutorials you see, theres a chance you'll grow bored and tired of it as it has become "too easy". Doesnt have to be every time of course, but it helps alot to not grow bored. It'll take a while to get used to watercolors, even if you know of many technics, practicing them and knowing how they will turn out by experience is another story. Don't feel bad if something didnt go the way you expected, you can always try the oppossite next time and see how that goes.

Copy Master's works, this doesnt have to be just dead masters, living ones too! Copying is a genuine good way of studying. As long as you dont claim them to be yours and give them proper credit, it's not plagiarism. It doesn't hurt to ask though, specially if the artist you are going to be copying to learn is not a big name. In my experience though the artists i've asked if i could copy to study tehir work they had been flattered that i'd want to do that. Theres no need to ask for some big name tho just credit lol, like for example doing watercolor studies of studio ghibli's storyboards..... that's a good one btw! their storyboards are pretty and have GOOD colors but still are super simple! Usually just one layer of paint, minimal wet in wet shading or glazing.

Share Your Works, i know specially for begginers this one can be scary to do, but i promise you that the number of fellow begginers who will feel encouraged by you posting is a great number. And experienced artists who are GOOD people would never look down on a begginer. Rather than "man they cant draw lol" it'll be a sentiment of "i remember when my skills were a similar level! i hope this new artists has a fun time with art :D" Sharing your works and getting feedback and building a small community with other artists or even some fans is a massive encouragement ! [it's not everything of course but it's nice to be appreciated] Uh mind you, this step might take a long while. i've been posting art for nearly 10 years and it took me maybe 8 or so years of posting for something of mine to get more than 70 notes or so. [70 notes is already alot tho! wohhoo!

[lostmyremembrall]

haii ^^ congratulations for reaching 1K followers!! seeing the way you worked hard for this blog and the way you write your works, you very much deserved it 🤩 may i join your event if thats still alright?

-𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐧𝐚𝐤𝐞 — 🐍

Go on a date with Tom! Send in anything you're comfortable sharing about yourself (such as your love language), and I'll write a mini HC of date with Tom, specifically curated for you.

im a hufflepuff with a white stallion as my patronus. my love language is gift giving in terms of giving, but if we're talking about receiving i think mine would be words of affirmation and act of service? like, idk why but the simplest supportive words like "i believe you can do it," could make me cry (my teacher once said that to me and i accidentally cried in front of her lmfao)

im an introvert, and sometimes im shy but i dont think to the point where i avoid people. half of me is shy but the other part of me got a little thrill from meeting new people. it's scary at first, but i think it's interesting to make new friends and get to know people. i realised i tend to reached out to people first, after thoroughly study them from afar lol. i'd say i have a big circle of friends, but a small circle of precious, treasured besties.

i like to take pictures and videos. most of the time if i took videos of my friends and i, i'd edit the videos for memories (the type with background musics and such)

i like to style myself. i love doing my hair and my style of outfit is the feminine type, i love wearing dresses and skirts. i do it for myself, it feels good somehow

if i were in hogwarts (we are indeed hogwarts students but whatever) subjects that i'd excel in are charms and herbology. potions would be the subject i'd least like

thats all i think, i hope its not too much because i don't know what i should say in general 🥲 do not rush in doing this! have a nice dayy

🐍 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐃𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐇𝐂 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐓𝐨𝐦

A/N: Thank you so much for the sweet messages! I'm sorry I took such a long time to get to yours, but I really enjoyed writing this. The info you provided gave me so much inspiration for different scenarios! And you can probably tell I was swooning just writing about this haha. Anyways, hope you'll enjoy it!

You reached out to Tom first. To be fair, he acts cool and arrogant, and never shows any interest that he might have in others.

You found him intriguing in ways beyond what others saw in him, that he might be more complex than a simple prodigy.

It took a long time, but you helped him feel seen and heard, helping him open up.

Tom likes watching you style yourself, especially on the weekends while he waits for you to get ready for the date.

One morning, he stood up from his usual spot on your bed without a word.

You were sitting in front of the mirror, drying your hair with your wand.

He sat behind you, and ignoring your inquisitive glance, took some strands of your hair and began to dry it with his wand.

Somehow, Tom had memorised your styling routine to perfection.

Flabbergasted, you lowered your wand and quietly observed him through the mirror.

His serious eyes were trained on your hair, but you didn't miss the faint smile that tugged at his lips.

His fingers gently rustled through your locks of hair.

It was impressive, his adept fingers moving your hair with such precision, you could've mistaken him for a professional hairdresser.

Soon enough, he moved on to brushing your hair.

He was even more gentle with it, if that was possible. Holding your hair in his left as he brushed with his right.

It was comforting in an intimate way you've never experienced, to have someone running their fingers through your hair.

You gave a shiver every time his slender, cool fingers brushed against your neck.

He gave you a black silk ribbon on the back of your hair.

You found yourself blushing as Tom's face zoomed next to yours.

Through the mirror, you found Tom's eyes still focused on your hair, twirling the wisps of leftover strands of hair in his fingers to give them a curl.

You felt the heat emanating from his face, and your cheeks burning in return.

He tucked in a strand of hair behind your hair, and gave one curt nod to himself, content with the outcome of his work.

Tom acted nonchalant about it for the rest of the date, but needless to say, you

For his Christmas present, you gave him a photo stand of you two together.

He doesn't smile when taking photos. He used to be averse to them, so he's come a long way until he reluctantly agreed to take photos with you.

The photo stand features his serious, almost suspicious gaze at the camera and your smiling face. You catch him off guard with a peck on his cheek. The photo loops after Tom turns his shocked eyes to you.

He showed his appreciation when he received the gift, but as always, he did not smile.

But, the next time you visited his room, you found to photo stand on the bed stand. The only photo he has in his room.

Still, months after Christmas, you catch him staring at the photo. Whenever the photo-Tom gets shocked with a peck, he huffs out quiet laughter from his nostrils, and his lips turn into an amused smile.

You think he actually enjoys looking at the photo in his free time.

Many of your dates include studying.

Tom doesn't technically need any help with Charms or Herbology, but he comes seeking your advice, saying that he can "always strive for perfection."

Tom is a massive help with potions. He gets very invested in your grades, which can become a nuisance sometimes.

But, most often, the after-school help in the potions classroom can become very romantic and wholesome.

Tom quickly noticed how well you respond to encouragements.

Tom knows that your grade in potion comes from your disinterest, and not your ineptitude in any way.

During brewing draught of the living dead for Slughorn's assignment, in which timing is of the essence, Tom intentionally backed off to let you brew the potion on your own.

You were focusing on brewing, since there is essentially no time in between the procedures.

Tom observed you closely, and murmured "I know you can do this."

It lit your heart aflame knowing that he knew you to be fully capable.

And when the draught came out perfectly, earning you full marks, the satisfaction was even greater.

You two are the couple that constantly betters each other: challenging each other to get out of their comfort zone and grow. Not by pushing each other to the limit, but by encouraging each other and believing in each other. And, if things fail, you both would be waiting for the other with open arms ❤️

[goremet-chef]

trying to keep my emotions in check is so fucking hard man. like the pain i feel is so intense and real, but i also know i feel it for nothing. AND YET when i acknowledge this, the pain persists anyways!! never reassured properly cuz i can never see to kill the little voice in my head whispering "what if they do though? what if its true?" its so. frustrating its so PAINFUL this shit is slowly killing me man

its like. im scared to be caught in it if it IS true, to the point where ill just. back up and straight up leave sometimes

even when nothing bad has happened, and everyone is normal, even the smallest thing will tip me off and ill start feeling bad. ill start feeling like something happened and everyones upset with me, they like me less, theyre bored of me, annoyed, disgusted, ETC

its so scary man. and the worst part? i will never ever bring it up. ill never talk it through, never make my feelings known because i cant BEAR to make everything about me!!!!!! even if sharing how i feel isnt inherently selfish, ill feel like it is. itll tear me apart. there is no fucking escape!!! if i never say anything, then im leaving mid conversation to go cry in my bathroom and coming back like nothing is bothering me. if i do say something, ill sour the mood. everyone else is always having a good time, how could i just.. RUIN that? because i misinterpreted something and decided suddenly that no one actually likes me and im just.

im stuck in this loop where like. i want to be a good friend, a FUN friend. i dont want people to watch what they say around me, i dont want them to check up on how im doing, i should just be doing GOOD. but im not, i never am. its such bullshit man

why do i have to live so fucking miserably? why do i have to feel this pain, why do i always tear up over seemingly nothing? why is everything so heavy all the time

i hate that im someone who needs some kind of accommodation, i wish so desperately that i was just.. normal. normal enough to not cry like a fucking baby while everyone else is having a good time. i wish i wasnt like this, wish it so fucking badly

i dont make friends with shitty people, all my friends are so cool and sweet but like.. i just cant bring myself to bring it up, ever. i wanna be silly goofy dominic. i want them to love being around me so much that they forget about the unbelievably massive pile of mental issues i have. i want them to forget how easy it is to hurt me, even if its completely unreasonably and stupid

most of the time im successful, cuz ive got a quieter bpd going on. all the feelings are just as intense and suffocating, but i just. keep it all bottled inside, keep it all in the safety of my room. theres no like.

this is the closest ill ever get to sharing. spitting it out into a void because im too cowardly to confront my OWN emotions

i think thats what hurts the worst. i feel so fucking SELFISH. i know everyone has emotions, and id respect and love everybody elses, but mine? nothing makes me feel worse than when people actually care about me. it makes bottling everything up so hard. so hard when they ask if im okay and i have to lie to their face cuz im still not strong enough to confess whats slowly eating my alive

im just too scared of being too much. its like this line that i cant cross. i dont want to be overbearing, i dont want to be so outwardly emotional, i dont want to be VISIBLY MISERABLE to the people who love me, or at least like me enough to stick around.

but im so unsocialized that this is damn near the only way. i wanna be the fun silly goofy friend but the fact of the matter is that im just not. watching me try to participate in any conversation is just.. painful. and i can SEE how painful it is. its embarrassing how bad i am at talking. it only makes things worse, pulls me back from my dream of being someone that people ENJOY speaking to. its sad

even if im not as boring and awkward as i think i am, the fact that i think it alone holds me back. theres been so many times where i just.. bite my tongue and stay quiet even if i have an opportunity to tell a joke or something cuz the voice in the back of my head tells me "what if they dont get it? what if they dont think its funny? what if they only pretend to laugh? how embarrassing would that be?" and its right. i have to like.. silence myself so that i wont ever face any kind of rejection, because if i do itll kill me and ill feel so fucking miserable over it

i wish i didnt live my life this way, but in my head there are very few options, and all of them are bad

[ifeltfree]

Yeah, of course I'll talk with you about it. I'm sorry to hear you're recently diagnosed. I'd say it gets better, but I'd be lying. What does change is that you get tougher, more resilient. If you're lucky, you have people around you who understand and support you well. The seizures never stop being terrifying.

It's an awful disease and one that is extremely misunderstood. Isolating is the right word, for sure. I was diagnosed at 16, so I know how hard it can be to have it as a teenager/young person as well. It feels like it's stealing from you. It is. Don't let anyone tell you any different. Your feelings are justified.

As far as how I cope? Poorly, for a long time, but recently things have been looking up. I was seizure-free for about five years before a recent set of breakthrough seizures (I crashed my car too, lol what a time), so I'm relearning how to deal with the fear and paranoia.

Logistically, I've done a few things:

I was able to get my job to let me work from home 3/5 days of the week.

I sleep. A lot. I still hang out with people and I have a lot of friends, but I had to accept there are things I can't do.

I spend a lot of time in quiet. Overstimulation doesn't help. I found this out the long way - took me forever to realize shutting up one or a few of my senses cut down the brain activity (I'm dumb).

I don't drink. I used to drink - probably too much. Substance abuse and epilepsy don't mix. That wasn't the reason for my breakthroughs, but I do have a little sobriety app. Kinda fun, honestly.

I talk to my friends about it.

That last point is something that I'd never done before this year. It's hard, of course, but I think it's helped that my friends now know I'm having crises of sanity, faith, philosophy - whatever - every day of my goddamn life. It's impossible to live with this disease and not think about what's real, what's not, if I'm losing time, what exactly is a soul...you understand.

Also, seizures are impossible to describe, but I try. That helps as well. Horrifies my friends, but they've said it's ok to talk about.

Every seizure I've had (barring these last ones, or I'd have killed myself) has stolen my personhood from me. I'd wake up as a different person, and then I'd just...live in a stranger's apartment, wear a stranger's clothes, wake up in a stranger's bed. After about a week, the feeling starts to fade but nothing ever goes back to that first reality. That disorientation is, for me, one of the worst parts of epilepsy. It's fucking scary. And if you go through that, I am so, so sorry.

If you want to talk about this more, let me know. I'm much less serious than I seem, and I write like this because I'm overeducated after being scared shitless by my brain. So.

Anyway, feel free to publish this and I hope you feel better soon.

Also, tell your tattoo artist what happened - they'll thank you for not coming in, and they also need to know you're not a flake. Don't want to make them responsible for an unconscious body when they don't have to be! :)

thank you for talking to me more about this. you worded a lot of this really well and its reassuring to know its normal to feel that way that i do about it all. my family thinks im exaggerating it so sometimes i question if im blowing things out of proportion.

anyway, thats terrible that you crashed your car. thats such a huge fear of mine and i cant imagine going through that, im so sorry. its so unfortunate that you have to miss out on things, but im glad you figured out what works for you to keep you in better shape. im gonna try and be mindful about the things you mentioned and see if they make a difference for me, thank you

i dont have much of a support system, most of my friends stopped talking to me after college and i find it hard to meet new people where i live. its significantly harder to cope with shit like this when youre on your own. im sure you get it. and i totally understand what you mean by losing your sense of self. it feels like everything is foggy, all the time but even worse on days i have seizures. it almost makes me mad cause its not fair that after everything else that comes with it, i have to have a diluted watered down personality too.

again thank you for this. ill definitely reach out if the urge arises and you definitely can too. im always open to talk, about anything

[floaromatown]

do you have any tips about getting PR in canada, i'm trying to figure this out with my gf who lives in america (also idv edaters. unfortunately)

WE WERE NOT IDV EDATERS SCREAMMMMM you should have just kicked sand in my eyes. i begged him to play idv with me he wouldnt cos he was scared. anyway.

unfortunately my tips are very limited as ive been 'done' with the bullshit for over a year now. and like immigration lawyers literally get paid thousands cause its so complicated :( like not in a 'pay me' way but like its an insane feat to pull off without professional help. that and pr shit is changing all the time so im sure a lot of what i experienced is outdated

i spent like 1.5 years no exaggeration in the pr RESEARCH mines (mostly on r/immigrationcanada) and honestly i still felt like i was learning new shit right up until the day i submitted my application. and then more and more after i had submitted it. its really really hard unfortunately. i really advise asking/searching for questions on that subreddit whenever possible, there are a lot of people who can help when youre unsure.

if it wasnt clear you have to be married to apply for the spousal sponsorship, which as far as I understand is pretty much how most american to ca prships happen. if you (when i say you i mean your american girl bc thats the perspective im coming from) happen to have a skilled job (the canadian gov website has a key to determine if your job classifies as skilled) then I believe there is another route, but I wasn't eligible so idk shit about that. dont bother looking into whether you qualify as common law or conjugal or whatever bc you very very likely dont meet their standards. i got married in the states a week before crossing the border, your marriage certificate would be valid in canada

off the bat i would say, unless you know for sure your living situation would 100% COMPLETELY PROVIDE FOR YOU for 6 months to a year, then you should probably apply for an OUTLAND spousal sponsorship. if you move in together in canada and apply for INLAND spousal sponsorship then you cannot work period, there is no legal way for you to make any cent of income. you will not be eligible for provincial healthcare, so i recommend getting long term travel insurance (i rec geoblue). the border is a whole other ordeal if you don't have any status in canada, you can't look like you're moving (i.e no moving boxes no tons of luggage) you can't look like you're eloping or staying for more than a couple months and even if you do everything right they still may suspect you and deny you entry. i did inland and it was really really difficult and at times scary for these reasons, i did not exactly do some things by the book in order to get by *WINKKK*. if you can stand to get married and then part for upwards of a year then i would really really suggest the outland route. unless youll be provided for then GOOD FOR YOU *shaking fist* random but americans also have to continue filing us taxes even if they have moved out of country. so remember that.

moreso tips umm DOCUMENT EVERYTHINGGG YOU DO TOGETHER this is my biggest piece of advice. you have to prove your relationship is legit, here is a list of stuff i included in my application:

receipts/the route we took for our honeymoon

screenshots of support from relatives, like facebook or other social media posts acknowledging your relationship

we got our wills done to make each other the sole benefactor

receipts and pictures of gifts weve gotten each other

photos of both of you with friends and family is 100% required

proof of past visits to each other

receipts and pics for past dates/outings/events

letters of support from family/friends (i got these notarized)

lots of stuff from online chat logs/social media. pictures of chats, phone calls, video calls from across years. i think i included at least one of each from every month since we got together. chats should be relevant to relationship stuff like discussing moving in, getting married, relatives, etc.

a letter detailing our relationship with exact dates, locations, etc. like when we met, when we started dating, when we visited, how we got engaged, etc. you have to make a case for yourself as if you were in court.

if youre researching stuff there is honestly not a lot of resources specifically for edaters! so many people like have like children together in another country or have been established there as a married couples for years so they have a ton of foundation to work off of. canada doesnt just want to see that youre in love they want to see the work that goes into that, like shared leases and joint bank accounts and years of financial support and children etc etc. it sucks but you have to justify it in other ways when youre (im assuming) young and childless and unmarried until recently. you can get some of those things once you move in together but idk, i was rather safe than sorry an scrounged up all the 'soft' evidence i could right up until i submitted it.

i think thats about it i wish i could help more lol. its definitely one of the hardest things ive had to do like emotionally financially temporally effortfully lmfao. good luck?!

[shtalker]

you came just in time, im sorry you feel bad. im also having my 5 minutes of depression rn because it seems that people dont really want me in their lives. even old friends, mostly coupled, just move on and keep hanging out with the same 2 other people (that are not me). im sick of reaching out only to go out for 2 hours then go home alone because its obvious that the live in partner has to come first even in our monthly hangouts. and i tried so hard to blend people together and groups and everything but no one ever did it to me. and everyones like find better friends find better friends WELL those are mine and we started out so good! everythign was amazing up until this year! idk what to do, im not the kind of person to just go out and find a boyfriend like that, it seems like the only cure for this thats presented everywhere is to just find my own person. ill go to bed soon

oh anon, i know how you feel! always happens when friends find partners, true, but it doesn't make it any less painful. and a new boyfriend wont cure loneliness if hes not the right person, most dont understand this. so true about wanting to hang out with specific people and company of anyone else doesn't help with easing loneliness either. ive been in the same boat where they dont return the same energy, it sucks and i am so sorry 😭 unfortunately i have no idea what a fix is, or if it even exists, except to savour their company :(

only semblance of advice i can give: its a matter of finding someone you click with. it is very rare! BUT, be patient because it will happen. scary part is it happening a long time from now and only once, but its worth it! i was in your position for years before meeting a close friend who really clicked, and i believe the feeling is mutual but it took pure coincidence so dont be discouraged, it will happen unexpectedly and suddenly! just dont have your hopes too high otherwise they crash hard.

otherwise i understand your troubles, i struggle with making friends and keeping them. try not to dwell on this too much, just because it eats your soul up. i hope your friends have a change of heart and crave your company as much as you crave theirs!

[achilles-the-boy-of-gold]

Okay. Please tell me. Is this too much to send to my friend? I don't know if it's too far or not.

I feel so close to you. Ive never felt this way with anyone else. We're like that trope of "more than friends less than lovers" we're different. We're special. I never believed in soulmates before i met you, but i do now. You're my person. We would find each other in every universe, wether we are friends or lovers or something else. You mean so much to me, and i know i say that a lot, but i still dont say it enough. I live you with all of my heart (and i dont care if you are able to say it back or not) Ive thought for a while that i like you romantically, but honestly im not sure. I just feel a connection with you thats more than most people ever find, and maybe thats what its like to like someone romantically, but also maybe not. Sometimes its hard to tell between different kinds of love. Its scary to be in love with someine for fear of ruining the relationship altogether and losing them. I know we are close, but i still wish we were closer. I miss you whenever we're nit together, and it scares me whener we dont talk much for a few days because i cant let you slip away. I wont. You are my whole world, i hope you know that. I could never lose you, because that would mean losing half my soul. Amd i would die if it meant saving you (and im fucking terrified of death, so youre the only one i would do that for). You are more than i ever coulve hoped to have. I never couldve seen you coming. Wherever fate takes us, (if we end up dating, if we hate each other, if we lose touch) you will still be forever with me. I carry your heart with me, i carry it in my heart. Ive heard poets talk about a string of fate, and that has reminded me ever increasingly of our invisible string. You have to admit that we're connected in a way most people arent. Maybe im crazy, but i think you'd have to be insane to not notice this stuff too. Maybe other people feel like this, but i have rarely seen anyone so truly committed to someone ekse as i am to you. The only true example i have seen is from the book the song of achilles. In the book, achilles is stubborn and rude and a terrible person for the last few years if his life. He lets countless people die because of his ego. Patroclus does not agree with any choice he makes, but he never once gets angry at achilles. He stands by him. He stands up for him. He stays with achilles, until he dies trying to fix achilles' mistakes, while still saving achilles from dealing with his own problems. However many mustakes achilles makes patroclus doesnt care, he stands by him forever. He found a boy of gold, and knew he would never let him go. Thats what you do. You find someone so important to you, and you vow that however much they screw up, you wont be angry, youll still love them the same. They are still yours. And, though achilles does most things for himself, esspecially towards the end of the war, he still dies getting revenge for patroclus' death. Those two are the textbook example of soulmates. They always find their way back to each other when they get seperated. They are loyal to each other to a fault. Their only moral compass(at least for patroclus) is to always follow the other, and fight for them. I see us in their story. Our places switch between the characters, but every set of soulmates that has ever existed has been fit in that cutout. We fit there alongside so many people. If there is only one set of soulmates per lifetine, then we are those two. We are less fragile that a set of ordinary friends, and we are less held back by the rules of lovers. We've got our own thing. You are mine, and i am yours. Ive never felt this way with anyone, and doubt i ever will with anyone else. I hope with ever fiber of my being you feel the same, but if you dont, i hope that you will trust me enough to tell me. There is so much more i could add to this, but hopfully i have a whole lifetime to do so.

[dreamingpine]

you think if i died someone will remeber me here? whille someone think of me some many years in the future and be like "oh i remeber them. they did some cute art sometimes. i wonder ehy they stopped uploading?"

i hope they think of me fonly and simple come to he conclusion that i just got busy with life or something. not that id have died. i hope. i don wanna make someone i dont know sad when they think of me. id be very uncomfortable i think. considering i dont know them. i think id feel the same for people i do know. i think living in my famil house has helped me with this because of how intrigrated i am in this dynamic, even if im quite.

i feel like if i live alone itll only be a matter of time before i quitely dissappear from being and being in everyone memories. i know the internet isnt as immortal as we've come to think but i dont think i wanna dissappear. i dont hink so anyway. i. like. watching tv? well not in the traditional sense but i like seein hings. i also used to like reading but i havent like. been doing that. i also like drawing i think, even tho its like. hard.to do. im not good at commitment i think. im sure.

i think. itll be a long and quite time before i go but. i . have.

i. uh. have heart? constipation? emotion.

i dont talk. and its like a joke now, but sometimes its hard to. sleep. and i. i dont think i work as much. at least compared to others but. i feel like im at work alot. i dont.

i dotn enjoy stuff. i would like to. and then

i. im not making the most of what i got. im. very complacent i think. i dont know if thats the word. things are. moving forward. its. it feels like. its o ly a matter of time before im left behind? the

he world. is a scary gloomy place. why cant i. why cant i be. the. be better. be nicer to people. be fun for myself. be the light in the dark. for me at least. i.

feel complicated when i think of me. the. i only look on if i rip a part of me out from my living beating chest and. place it in. put it in a. a pretty boy character. then i can see. and think and torment while being. while having a wall up because. its not me~ it not~ .like that. and i

im sorry chacter of my own that i like .im sorry my favorite store bought chacracter. who is not mine but had very little to say. so ive ripped you apart. and tormented you. for amusement. it was intreting. in sorry. i know your not real but.

im not.

story. maker. raconteur enoug. to. to feel like "okay but its a compelling story and the idea would be a nice thought piece for blah blah." i dont

i dont even have the art skills.

why do i always. justify and rationalize. my. sorrys are losing meaning. oh gosh.

[chelleztjs18]

Hello you mrs. mango eater iced coffee drinker bread lover honey nut cheerio lefty eyebag princess😅

Hm so with my second account, it follows the same blogs I follow in the first one. I don't really know how to just follow certain blogs for each account lol cause I tried to see if I can follow people with my second account name but I can't 🤔

But yeah 😁 it is like incorrect quotes, and right now it's mostly focused around Wanda hahaha I am making it mostly funny because I really don't know how to write anything else. I suck at writing things in detail.

Ah I know what you mean. My best friend is the same way, she is constantly cleaning or just playing with her daughter. I think she will have a hard time when my niece goes to preschool soon lol

I say get drunk! It's the end of the year, let go of it ahahaha let go by getting drunk then having a really bad hangover the next day. Hm, maybe I won't give you my other tumblr name, I don't wanna get weird drunk text from you 😂 just kidding

Okay, I'll see if I can find the movie in the store or stream it somewhere 🤔 I am the same way, I hate when people talk to me during the movie. But if I am at home, I always pause the movie so I can make comments lol

I usually don't mind gory movies. I get iffy though when they show something being done to the characters skin or nails. Hahaha! Thats exactly why I can't watch filipino scary movies. I feel like the ghosts or supernatural stuff are actually there and will haunt me.

Hm I don't know either. I never pay attention to ratings until after I watch the movie. Oh actually there is one that people loved but I hate it because it was so bad. It's the cabin in the woods. It's supposed to be scary, but the whole time I was watching it, I kept going what the eff. 😂

Ok, last question for the night. 3 movies or shows that awaken your sexuality or was your sexual awakening. I hope the question made sense.

-CuriousGeorge

Hi hi righty eyebag!

Wow, that was a long nickname plus the princess nickname at the end..😁🤭

Ah i see. So it means ur second account follows mine..i wonder which none is u 🤔 hahahah.

I love incorrect quotes! Some of them can make me really laugh out loud..😅😆 n how they make y/n sometimes stupid but funny n how wanda or nat very patient with y/n. I love it!

Hahaha okay, it's understandable that u dont wanna give me ur tumblr because of not wanting to get drunk text from me. 🤣🤣🤣

Im.not sure if i wanna get drunk. The last time i got drunk, i shared a big bottle of vodka with him n other cocktails, i got so drunk n i felt like shit the next morning.. 🤣

Hahah yeah pls find it n let me know what u think about Knives Out.

Well, that's not fun either if u keep stopping the movie to comment. Just kidding.😆 at least it's bettter than miss the movie because someone is talking. It's still very thoughtful of u.

I will talk in the movie sometimea if we rewatch a movie n the other person already watched it too.

Im like that too with indonesian ghost movie.. i think asian ghosts r described a little more eerily weird.hahaha. n they look scary.

Ah i see.i never really remember movies that i regret watching that people love it.

Oh oh! I remember! I watched Hunger Games Mocking Birds with my friends n they all were excited about it. But i fell asleep watching it.😅 a movie thats called Yesterday also got me bored like hell that i have to stop watching it not even half of movie. The most recent bad movies i watch that people seems to love it is the latest Jurassic Park movies. I even feel like almost 3 hours of my life was wasted 😅 it's just my opinion though, i hv nothing agaisnt the fans of that movie.

Hmm 3 movies that was my gay awakening

1. The Mummy Returns (Rachelle Weisz was sooo hot in it)

2. I Can't Think Straight (the story is quite similar with my story with my ex-gf)

3. Kyss Mig or Kiss me (it's a sweden movie but good story in it.)

4. Iron Man 2 (when Natasha first appeared in MCU)

Whats urs?

Next question

Cheerio!

[ladybeug]

Okay remember the chloe breakup playlist? 

@peachesandheather​ and @chaotictaste​ THANKS FOR ASKING i know its way later but i would LOVE to break this playlist down lets get GOING! 

this is a follow up to THIS post. 

CONTEXT:  for this fanmix to read correctly, you need to know its an aged-up AU. Chloe’s grown a bit already, and she’s learned to value making other people happy just for the sake of making them happy. She joins the superhero gang and they all reveal identities and she dates marinette for a bit but realizes that marinette is still into adrien, and so chloe breaks up with her. That’s the facts, theres a drabble about it here if you want more emotional depth. 

LISTEN HERE ON SPOTIFY and follow along. There will also be links to youtube lyric videos if you prefer that. 

Without further ado: 

The Louvre - Lorde 

This is a key track. The title track. 

The metaphor of the louvre itself really sits with me. On the one hand, it’s The Louvre - an internationally recognized place to Put Important Things. What’s more, to put Art - beautiful things that defy description. And yet we keep trying. On the other hand, it’s The Louvre - there’s a suggestion that you’re not supposed to touch it. It’s precious enough that it needs to be preserved and displayed carefully - don’t knock into it. That’s a scary new relationship. Something extremely precious that you almost trust. 

Now remember the louvre metaphor, that one comes back in track 7. 

The rest of this breakdown is under the cut to spare the poor people just trying to scroll through tumblr. You guys enjoy your evening. Everyone else, follow me!!

If you’re reading this i love you thank you for indulging me. 

 You’re Gonna Make me Lonesome When You Go - Madeleine Peyroux 

Despite not being the title track, this is the song that inspired the whole playlist! I love it. Its layered. 

I like to imagine Chloe has a moment, like the calm before the storm, when she realizes she has to break up with marinette, and she feels almost zen about it. Maybe she’s been struggling with trying to open up and be vulnerable and ask for love. And finally she decides she doesn’t want to ask for love anymore, she’s tired of it, and she’s going to go back to pushing people away. For a moment it’s just a relief to stop trying, it’s comforting to revert to who she used to be in the face of losing marinette. 

This song has a resigned feel to it. It feels like someone who doesn’t quite really believe they deserve love. That’s a theme throughout this playlist too.

Lastly, in the context of the AU - chloe would feel good about giving marinette a chance to be with someone she really wants to be with. She’s grown a lot since she was a kid and likes to be the kind of person who cares about others. It’s bittersweet but feels a little... right. 

Call it Off - Tegan & Sara 

They break up. 

Paper Bag - Fiona Apple 

Chloe takes it back, it doesn’t feel ‘bittersweet but a little... right’!! It sucks!! 

This one’s about chloe feeling sorry for herself about having to break up with Marinette. It’s bitter and frustrated, it says why can’t I have nice things?? It’s about being SO close to love - so close you could taste it - and having to cut yourself off. 

It also has that resigned feel to it - the need to starve yourself of love because you can’t have it. The disbelief in a happy ending, and a little bit of self blame.

Woke Up New - The Mountain Goats 

This is the other side of the breakup coin. If ‘Paper Bag’ is the bitterness and reflection on how chloe feels about breaking up, ‘Woke Up New’ is just about... not having marinette. 

It removes the self-reflection and the over-thinking. It’s just about loss. You miss someone. And I think chloe would miss marinette. She’s been lonely before, and for a while she didn’t feel lonely, and now she feels lonely again - it’s uncomplicatedly sad. It’s just a sad moment. 

Be Mine! - Robyn 

Okay now we turn up the tempo a little, we’ve been sad, we’ve been self-reflective, bring on the poor coping mechanisms! Turn up the volume, pour yourself a drink, and get a little mad about your breakup!

But also dont forget to be kind of resigned and defeatist about it. That’s still crucial and will continue to be crucial for a little longer. 

Fists Up - BLOW 

This is another key song, and is our second reference to the Louvre. 

But it brings a third, new aspect to the Louvre, that Lorde didn’t bring. The security of the Louvre. BLOW says, ‘my love is a fortress, my love is the louvre, but it can’t ever thrive if i’m forced to keep proving it’. There’s the same suggestion that love is worth valuing, but also reminds us that love is difficult to access - which is absolutely true for chloe, who protects herself instinctively. She’s always been very defensive, and part of growing has been fighting to overcome that instinct - it’s what let her get so close to marinette in the first place. But it didn’t work out, which is bitter, and makes her angry. There’s almost a self-righteousness, trying to blame someone else for not treating you precious enough. 

Also worth noting that this song is about the internal fight between hope and defeat in a relationship. Chloe ended the relationship with ladybug because she didn’t believe it would work, and she doesn’t believe she’s enough. But it’s so hard to stop hope, which makes defeat more painful.

Shampain - Marina and the Diamonds 

Remember when we started drinking to Robyn’s “Be Mine”? We are drinking a LOT more now and we are SO COOL and DONE thinking about this. We are NOT SAD ANYMORE!!! ITS FINE!! 

Hurricane Drunk - Florence & the Machine 

Chloe is still very drunk and is now being sad on purpose. 

Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs 

Now it’s 3 am and chloe is not that drunk anymore but she is soooo so so sad. Chloe misses her girlfriend sooo much. this sucks this sucks this sucks alcohol did not help??? how come that didnt work?? 

If you wanna get creative this is the scene where chloe shows up on marinettes balcony and makes a scene and marinette takes her home and tucks her in very kindly and very platonically. 

Gotta Have You - The Weepies 

This song is on the cusp of acceptance. This playlist is admittedly like... a little depressing, especially as I write it all out - theres a lot of wrestling with self-esteem, and fighting loneliness. That’s hard. This song is tired. It’s tried everything. 

It’s the thematic foil to ‘You’re Going To Make Me Lonesome When You Go’. Both songs have the same gentle, steady rhythm. In the first, chloe was in the relationship, sad but accepting that the relationship would end. Now, she’s out of the relationship, and she just wants to be back in. But there’s a little bit of that same acceptance. 

This song feels like saying out loud what you want, and even though you can’t have it, the fact that you know what it is and you can say it feels good. 

Go Ahead - Rilo Kiley

Alright guys we’re solidly in acceptance by now. We’re out of the heavy emotional woods. We’ve made it. 

This song is bittersweet and not a truly happy one, but it holds a genuine wish for someone else’s happiness that hasn’t appeared in most of the songs in this playlist. It’s reminiscent of the wish chloe had in the first place, to end the relationship not only to protect herself but to give marinette a chance to be happy. To do a good and selfess thing. 

It’s both. It’s sad and it’s good. It’s complex. 

New Years Day - Taylor Swift 

This is the third key song. And it’s a truly beautiful one. 

This song ties us back to the beginning, and says do you remember what all this fuss is really about? What was so important that you put it in the Louvre?

Chloe is still on a team with marinette. There’s a point at which she would have to choose to cut marinette off, or... figure out something else. This song is about figuring out something else. The ‘what comes next’ of a difficult relationship. They don’t get back together, but they stay friends, even if its weird, and even when chloe feels left out or marinette doesn’t know what to say. But they want to stay in each others lives. And it’s worth the work.

A Fairytale Ending - The Boy Least Likely To 

A reflection on how difficult it is to grow and face life head on, and how it changes you.

I Wanna Get Better - Bleachers

We have to have some closure here. It’s going to be okay. 

THATS THE PLAYLIST 

Pretty somber now that I have it all written out like that. but still a great one.

[khaleesiofalicante]

OH MY GOD! ITS HAPPENING! Its only the summary and I’m emo 😂 I should be studying for my exams, but I have tomorrow for that ;)

Ok, lets do this:

UDHWIJSHW THEY ARE SO CUTE FOR EACH OTHER I CANT-

"He preferred to hide his heart away. But he couldn’t hide David. He didn’t want to. David deserved to be seen." Like father like son. Both speeking poetry about their love ones. (and no, Idk which father I'm talking about 😂)

“I don’t think they are fake dating,” David hummed from the other end. “You don’t talk for hours every night if you are just fake dating.” (THANK YOU DAVID! SOMEONE THAT ITS NOT BLIND)

"They like doing chores. Let them do it. They fight demons all day and then come home and do chores. I feel like it’s their form of therapy. They need this.”“So, by not helping them, we are technically helping them?” Bapa had asked and Max had nodded with a grin. “Shadowhunters are weird.” “True dat,” Max had laughed. They were all weirdos. But Max loved them anyway. He loved his weird shadowhunters. (The domesticity lf this is killing me in a good way🥺)

“Will you on a date with me? Tomorrow?” Max asked then – because why the hell not. (Hell yeah Max. Go big or go home babe😎)

“This date is going to be the best first date in the history of first of dates.” In retrospect, he really shouldn’t have said that. (I'm already feeling his chaotic ass will do something like Magnus did, but lets keep hope)

"Maybe Lexi and Liv would probably enjoy a date – a fake date - in the arcade." Could I be more in love with both of them?? Is that physically possible?? 💙

Elyaas giving Max dating advice!! Lmaooo 😂😂

"His parents would not be pleased if they knew Max was summoning demons for relationship advice. But they had also encouraged Max to make friends with everyone regardless of their identity. So, technically this was their fault. They gave him very mixed messages."  YOU LIL SHIT. YOU ARE NOT WRONG THO...

FUCK. An attack??

You lil shit Max.

Yep, Rafael has to deal with it everyday 😂

OOMG YESS. THE ALIANCE RUNE!!

"So, when he got tired, he would simply fix the problem by eating. It was a win-win to be honest." I feel like I should say something, but tbh it makes sense

Ok, this fight is intense

Wait. Anjali is there???  What?

Oh ok, it wasn’t

“Say the thing!”Rafael groaned and raised his hands, the alliance rune lighting up.“I’m not just a shadowhunter,” Rafael said through gritted teeth. “I’m Magnus Bane’s son.” I'm dead 😂

THAT SCENE WAS EVERYTHING. LOVE THOSE TWO

“Well, demons are stupid,” Max pointed out. “Yeah, that makes sense,” Rafael said with a mouthful of food. “You are half demon after all.” “Asshole,” Max laughed and punched his brother.

“Text dad we are okay,” Rafael said, slowly recovering. “They will worry.”Max nodded and did that. (This just summ up sibling relationships so well *chef kiss*)

“It can be hard, Max. Bapak and dad…Sometimes I look at them and feel like I will never have what they have.” YUP. THEY HAVE SIBLINGS DYNAMIC. ALSO RAFAEL IS JUST 🥺🥺🥺

David got wounded???

Oh ok. False alarm.

Rafael sat down next to him and put Bapak’s head on his lap, gently massaging it.

“Are you okay?” dad knelt down next to his husband. “Just a little tired,” Bapak replied.A little tired. Max knew Bapak was fucking exhausted."  "Bapak never showed it. He never complained. Max wondered what else he hid away from everyone else." “Okay,” dad whispered and kissed his husband on the head. “Get some rest, my love.” Bapak nodded and closed his eyes as Rafael hummed something softly. (Well, now I'm crying 😭😭)

" His niece found an herbal medication that helps with the pain.” ANJALI!! I LOVE HER💙💙

"Dad finally smiled and went out to the balcony, phone in hand. He seemed to hang out in the balcony a lot lately" No no no. I dont like this. Babe find a better copying mechanism!!

"Bapak smiled then. A brilliant grin. The one dad probably fell in love with." jsyeihdiej I cant🥺💙

"Bapak sniffed when dad sat down next to him and gave him an odd look. But he didn’t say anything." Magnus tell him something. I dont like where this is going😭

“Does that mean Bapak is a capitalist?” Max asked. “Do not drag me into this!” Bapak protested and dad laughed at that" Ahh yess. Typical family discussions 😂

"David: Mr Herondale yelled “Yes! Two out of three!” (😂😂 I HONESTLY LAUGHED WAY TO HARD!!)

“Well, no! I don’t want drama. But I want you to be dramatic so I can tell you not to be dramatic!” I would like to say WHAT? but I honestly get it 😂

“Also, we all know you had an embarrassing crush on Uncle Jace growing up,” Rafael snickered. “And you definitely still have a crush on Uncle Jem.” Oh god 😂😂 but I mean... Who doesn't have a crush on Jem?

“Oh yeah?” Max demanded. “Well then let me explain your type. You are probably going to fall for someone who is like a combination of Aunt Izzy and Aunt Lily! Some femme fatale type who is a heartbreaker and looks like a supermodel and-” Boy got it right huh? 😂

“You two are dating?” dad demanded. “Since when? Who else knows about this? Why didn’t you tell us before? Were you dating when you were in London? Magnus, did you know about this?” “There you go!” Max yelled triumphantly. “That’s the dramatic reaction I was looking for. Thanks, dad!” lmaooo 😂😂

"And that’s how the next hour turned out to be the most painful and most embarrassing hour of his life." I. I have no words

“I’ll have you know this conversation utterly traumatized me. I demand financial compensation.” “Not happening,” dad said into his coffee, and Max groaned before walking back into his room. (THAT FAMILY 😂😂)

" I tried to hurt your father once.” OH no, the angst is coming

" He didn’t know about this. He knew about their story. Everyone did. The accords hall kiss. The fight in Edom. The changing of the law. Their love was legendary. Not this!" THIS IS BRINGING BACK SO MANY FLASHBACKS

“All I know is that I was terrified. I love your father. I love Magnus more than anything in the world. And I didn’t want to lose him. And I didn’t know what to do.” 😭😭 NOT AGAIN!!

"When you love someone so much, sometimes you do crazy things.” THIS

" Love had made a fool out of them. Love had made them blind." Yup. tsc: a summary

"When you love someone, you have to be honest with them" And THAT is character development!!

"They called it The Jem effect." I'm using this from now on 😂💙💙

"Uncle Jem was wearing a tank top and and ripped jeans." So its time for SIMP over Jem Carstairs? Okey then.

"In fact, he used to have a crush on both Tessa and Jem. It’s how he had found he was bisexual." Same here 😂

“MINA! I SWEAR TO LILITH I AM GOING TO GET YOU BACK FOR THIS!” OH MY GOD I LOVE MINA!!

“In my defense, I was busy!!” “Oooo, someone has been getting busy!” Mina WINKED. (You lil shit! I love her 💙)

He didn’t know he could blush!!!

" They had gone to hell and back for Roman. It wouldn’t have been possible if not for Catarina. She was, and always has been, a miracle worker." Again, I love my queen💙💙

“I believe in Mavid supremacy.” ME TOO

"There is something so queer about Ferris wheels!" Someone needed to say this

"They had their own space in the spiral fucking labyrinth. These fucking legends." I BELIEVE IN WARLOCK TEAM SUPREMACY

"But Ragnor had always had a soft spot for Rafael." 🥺🥺

I love my warlock squad so much I cant-

Ragnor is so done😂

“I don’t want to lose him,” Max said it out loud for the first time. “But you will, Max,” Catarina said gently. “Everyone loses people they love. Every day. It’s how life works.” (its to early to be crying)

“Yes, we do,” Ragnor replied. “But it also means we fall in love over and over. Century after century. It’s our blessing.” (these warlocks are just to perfect)

“And that love is going to last for a lifetime,” Tessa said softly. “Can you imagine that? Someone loving you for centuries. Someone remembering you for eternity. Doesn’t that sound wonderful?” 🥺🥺

David deserved to be loved like that – endlessly and impossibly. (OK BUT THE PARALLEL)

Tessa should definetly write a guidebook

“Je t’aime à la folie,” Max said.David’s eyes widened. “Vraiment?“ "Je t’aime. Je t’aime de toute mon âme. Je t’aime pour toujours.” ( I literally screamed and woke up my sister, I just love them so much!!!)

"David smiled. The smile Max fell in love with" 🥺🥺

“I know I am not your forever and I am okay with that.” Max bit his lip. “Okay.” “But you are mine,” David said. “You know that, right?” (ksidjdldk its just all this was beautiful!)

“I got it all planned,” Max said – for someone who had no idea what he was going to do." (Me as I should be studying 😂)

" And you were just scared. You were just a kid." “I just…I just realized you might not have had that when you were growing up – that there might not have been people you could talk to about these things.” THAT!! LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!

"Max pulled him closer and kissed him again. Every kiss a promise. A promise to love. A promise to fight. A promise to survive" I would die for this two

OMG he took him to the Celestial Palace!! Thats so perfect and 🥺🥺

“Oh mon dieu! Ceci est incroyable! Il y a tellement de livres! Oh mon dieu! Je l'aime tellement!”💙💙 Idk how you manage to make me love David even more

“Of course he doesn’t hate you!” Max chuckled. “But he did say he will put your nerd ass in the silent city if you don’t bring me home by 11.” David blinked. “You’re joking, right?” “Of course,” Max grinned. His father had actually said that but there was no need to scary poor David any further. (😂😂 Imagine having the Consul as father-in-law, poor David)

“Yeah, not good with words my ass,” Exactly!! They say they are not good with words and procede to recite poetry of their love one??!!

Ughh I love this chapter so much and I loved how they deal with the inmortality thing! I just love when people comunicate and talk to each other! THATS A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP! And how they didn't repeat Alec and Magnus mistake. I just love it! *chef kiss*

Anyway, this was really long and it took to open notes to fullfill, so i'll just leave💙💙

Bro I just felt like I read the whole chapter again and I am feels. I AM FEELS SEND HELP. Not me catching feels over my own shit lmaooooo.

Thank you so much. I have some work to do and I was like meh and now I have some energy to do it lol. I hope you spend tomorrow studying! You better!! Good luck!

ps - I love you notice the parallels and references. It makes me lil heart go boop!

also why do I feel like y'all are eternally doing exams????

[detransexual]

Im struggling with femininity at this point in my detransition. I have so many thoughts about it, ill try to not go on forever but bear with me.

I know i dont have to be 100% gender non conforming, i know a long flowy dress in summer isnt exactly anti feminist, but it certainly isnt rejecting the ideals that are already in place either. I dont like wearing makeup, it fucks with my perception of myself, but being able to cover up the ever present shadow of facial hair is really relieving. I dont like wearing bras, but a very slightly cupped/padded sportsbra makes a (surprisingly) big difference in making me look like a flatchested woman rather than a dude. I dont like the concept of plastic surgery or surgery in general, but i would love to look more normal even without prosthetics or just a bra, i would to look a little closer to what i should have been like. I miss them the most in the context of sex, and it makes me sad that i always bound and hid them from my girlfriends rather than allow my whole body to be loved and seen as acceptable. Even though im happier about my chest now than i was pre surgery, i wish it had just been a reduction, scars (even of the size i have now) wouldnt be nearly as painful a reminder than the (almost, there's still like, a little more breast tissue than a bio male with my body weight/muscle/fat ratio would have? ) complete lack of tissue.

There are things im happy about, and i was actually a bit sad to notice my body hair has gotten lighter and that my clitoris is not as sensitive or quite as "full"/big as it was on T, because im still really happy about those changes, they've both made me feel MORE comfortable as a woman and in my body.

I dont think id dislike my voice as much if people, particularly (or perhaps exclusively?) other women, still recognised me as a woman with it. Its not a bad voice, its just not really mine, and its not a voice i can freely use without thought or consequence. my voice was already quite deep, especially if i wanted it to be, so it would have been better as it was.

There's still a lot that i dont know where i stand, and since ive always been unsure of who i am and shit, and since ive been so certain in things i was wrong about, its hard to commit, its scary. Both permanent changes and coming out again are very distant, both because i need time and because it takes time to get help again.

But all of this is making me struggle with femininity, it makes it easier to pass, and in turn not be reminded of the whole ordeal, although it also makes me more focused on it, which is probably gonna turn out just as harmful as when i was focusing on the opposite in my original transition.

I dont want to buy into exploitative and objectifying behavioirs, but i feel very very isolated and alienated from other women, something ive felt since i was very, very small, but this is different.

Feeling alienated as a kid was rough, and i desperately clung to what was expected of me, trying to fit in, trying to make myself "right", and ofcourse it was painful, but it was more internal than external.

During my trans-identified years, the alienation became explainable, and being alienated from other girls and women felt like a given, ofcourse thats how it was supposed to be since i was a boy! And i didnt feel trult alienated from boys until i was in my late teens and early 20s living stealth, and suddenly i had to pretend to be someone else in order to fit in. there was a huge difference between being the tomboy friend and actually being "one of the boys". You hear and see very different things when they dont think there's any girls or women around.

But after realising i neither could nor wanted to fit in with men, i gradually realised i was no longer just feeling alienated from other women, but i actually was. Its hard to connect with other women, make friends or exist in female spaces when you're no longer seen as a woman if you open your mouth, and i know thats nothing that overt femininity would change, but i honestly dont know how else to "compensate".

Meeting other detrans women has been wonderful, and i definitely wish i knew more gnc and butch women, but i just cant seem to find any in real life, ive yet to find any real women's spaces that arent "for women and anyone who doesnt identify as a cis-man :)".

I dont want to have to be feminine to be seen as a woman, i dont want to reinforce to myself or others that womanhood=femininity, i dont want to reinforce or portray detransition as meaning becoming genderconforming or like "accepting" and falling into stereotypes or "becoming a REAL woman" through femininity and gender roles. I dont want that, but i dont know how to balance what i want for myself with what would make my own existence less painful and what i think is "right".

I want to be able to be a visbly gender non conforming WOMAN rather than being seen as a gender conforming man, but being a gender conforming woman often makes ne appear and sometimes feel more like a gender non conforming man anyway. I dont know how to balance it all, and im torn between wanting to be a boghag and wanting to perform excessive femininity.