#i have to make it mine dont i... but thats scary and hard... like most things

[stabyou]

i feel very unloved and left out. i wish i had a big friend group like everyone else... but i always stick out like a sore thumb whenever im amongst a group. if only the antipsychotics could make my weird, unlikeable aura go away

[darlinguistics]

'its just IMPOSSIBLE to not be addicted to your phone nowadays its UNREALISTIC-'

heres some advice to being less chronically online. for gen z (and younger??) who dont even know how to start thinking about it and have only heard shitty advice from older adults who just genuinely do not get it, from a fellow gen z and my experiences so far.

*these are personal and may not all 100% resonate but its still good prompting to start thinking about things! PLEASE feel free to add your own stories/advice in the notes! support your fellow humans, dont gatekeep what youve learned, lets have these conversations! and no negativity/pessimism please <3

first thing is to make it a less scary thought, a more concrete idea and not a hypothetical. it doesnt have to be all-or-nothing, cold turkey, a huge announcement and a fundamental shift in your personality. the internet will be in your life for the rest of your life, this is an ongoing relationship you are trying to make healthier thats all! and it takes one step at a time and some self-compassion, but a true effort nonetheless. 'dont you think thats a bit too serious-' if youre my age you quite literally grew up and developed online, it is literally part of your psyche the way your childhood is, it IS serious, you deserve to treat it seriously.

dont save your login info/dont stay logged in for social media accounts, having to manually log in when you want to go on like youre on some elementary school chrome book is a really healthy and clear boundary to have between being logged off and logged on.

-> bigger challenge - uninstall it on your phone in general, only log on on your laptop/pc if applicable for you!

if youre motivated to, try to work on your posture too. i only say that because most of our bad posture is at least partially related to being on our phones a lot, and when i started wanting to fix my posture, completely separately and unrelated from trying to break my phone addiction, it made it easier to lose interest in my phone since i didnt want to ruin my progress with my posture. it made me start to have a mindset like 'well if you cant do this on your phone with good posture then dont do it' and 'if youre on your phone so long your posture starts to cave in, youve probably spent too long on your phone anyway'

listen to music more. its easier for me to kinda write off my phone and do other things if i just open music or a podcast or long youtube video on it. i know we all love long video essays, but i recommend music more specifically for me at least because im less inclined to pause music or scroll while listening to it for some reason? whereas using a show or video or podcast for white noise, im way more likely to also be scrolling on my phone and that is my activity lol. music for some reason i dont want to interrupt and instead of being on my phone i can clean or do something productive on my computer etc

this one is sooo hard but try to fall asleep with some distance between you and your phone, even just a couple feet. mine stays on the desk next to my bed which isnt that far but its better than on bed like it used to be. when you wake up you probably wont feel like reaching for it right away if its far and even better if you have to get up for it because then at least you stand and move your body first thing instead of looking at your phone first thing. and try to get more and more of your morning routine done before touching your phone over time.

-> for me, i started by just trying to at least wake up a bit in bed before touching it, then stand up before touching it, then stand and stretch, then going to the bathroom first, making coffee first, feeding the cat first, etc. its surprisingly helpful to have a specific chore/task in mind that is The requirement so that everytime you do it you get a lil dopamine rush for unlocking your phone from yourself lmao. when the weather was nice i used to make my Requirement being outside first before going on it and i LOVED that. esp as it got easier and i started doing more and more before going on it and finally walking outside with coffee and my phone felt like such a pleasant little reward.

find a hobby that uses your hands. example: i really need to get back into knitting because when i did it regularly so much time that wouldve been on my phone was spent knitting with music/podcasts/shows/(even online lectures! when i felt productive lol) playing. its the same amount of physical relaxing - barely moving lol - but uses a longer attention span and a much better dopamine hit than scrolling, i literally MADE things.

-> you might be thinking, 'but mindless knitting isnt better than mindless scrolling is it?' but that mindless feeling on your phone is just that, mindless. the mindless feeling you get when doing something like knitting is actually closer to a flow state, which is actually incredibly good for you, like a fulfilling nutritious meal as opposed to 'empty calories' or whatever

get a widget for your homescreen that shows your screen time. i have one and of course it doesnt always stop me but seeing that time go up all day the more i use it and the pride of keeping it low is really helpful

practice grounding. in general.

spend more time on anonymous activities and have more privacy and less attachment with your 'persona' - what i mean by that is, i consider things like scrolling through tumblr (for me personally!) to be relatively harmless because i dont try to like,, brand myself here. if youre a tumblr regular you know the jokes - 0 follows, 0 notes, screaming to the void, moots you dont talk to, blorbo pfp and urls, fake names everywhere, and we're having fun! basically targeting the 'everyone is famous now' thing with this one - embrace being a nobody with no personal stakes here

-> personally ive never kept up with having social media accounts that are actually just, me irl - like a facebook or main instagram, like a locals account yknow? but i think it goes for that too - stop spending so much time trying to further personalize your online presence in the hopes of it representing you perfectly - because it never will, and it shouldnt, and you shouldnt aspire for that. your social media presence is lighthearted and incredibly surface-level, treat it like that! thats not me bashing social media either, having that mindset will make it more enjoyable bc youll be using it as it should be used!

do following/followers or camera roll/files or app purges. this is also a soft launch type of way to practice easing into a better mindset. aside from just literally getting rid of junk, the process of trying to judge whether or not you need something is good practice in mindfulness! even if you dont delete everything you feel like you maybe should, thats fine, youll do other purges in the future too. eventually youll get better at parting with things and realizing when things that feel good in a moment are actually bad for you. and it forces you to regularly check in on your more long-lasting parasocial relationships online and how theyre serving you or not

speaking of parasocial - for actual friends, if theyre irl, think about how much you interact with them online vs in person and why you think that is and how it affects you. maybe youll wanna see them more irl if possible (i promise its better for your friendship), maybe youll realize you dont need to keep tabs on them anymore (old high school acquaintances lookin at you). for celebrities and fandom things - try to think about the bare minimum content from them you could do with. you dont have to unstan all your faves and stop enjoying things - but do you need their notifications on? if you have designated fan accounts, are they still a source of joy or of stress? do you need them on all the platforms or just one or two? do you need to have all that saved content of them? are there aspects of this that you love that could be found elsewhere, maybe even offline? (again you dont have to stay one way forever, just encouraging checking in with yourself!)

if youre of the genre of online where you just cant help yourself from getting involved in big discussions or discourse and arguments - i recommend journaling when you get upset by something online, articulating your feelings without the idea of someone ever reading it and without the goal of 'winning' or being the most correct and logical or even the most sympathetic and morally good. take away every audience aspect of it. what is this really about for you, and why would strangers online deserve to hear your personal well-thought out opinions? why would your thoughts deserve to be simplified and misconstrued and underappreciated the way they would be in this discussion? is there even an outcome to this where you feel truly satisfied? are their people who are more worthy of hearing your thoughts who arent part of this audience? is this a conversation that is best held online where so much communicative nuance is inevitably sacrificed?

in the end these are all just practices in remembering how in control you are. and that goes for if any of these are scary or too difficult sounding too! these all become less scary if you remember that as soon as anything becomes too uncomfortable or painful, you have all the power to stop doing it, make a change, and try again later. so much of advice for quitting bad habits can be intimidating because the pressure and the shame that would come from failing scares you out of the possible benefits of trying - just go ahead and kill that shame from the jump. of course youre going to fail! you are going to have setbacks! thats part of it! you have agency in this, always. the internet is not inherently or completely evil nor good. build trust in yourself to make the calls on when it is serving you and when it isnt on a case-by-case basis, and then give yourself permission to learn through trial and error.

and remember you are worth all of this effort. i believe in us <3

[dignityofadog]

eughhhhh why does my entire life revolve around ollie!!! not that im complaining, of course. if ollie isnt online then im thinking about ollie. if im not online then im thinking about ollie. oh, i did something that reminds me of ollie. would ollie like this? should i show this to ollie? i wonder if ollie does the same things i do. in fact, i wonder what ollie's routine is. that skk pic reminds me of us! ill tag them. i found a silly audio i could send to them. i also saw a picture of a cat. ollie seems to like cats. i should compare him to them. they mentioned they like getting compared to cats. and biting stuff (or themselves, really). ollie really does sound like one. their bedtime is around 11:00 pm. but they live in ireland, which is around 8 hours ahead from where i live, so its usually 3 in the afternoon when they go offline. they get up at midnight in my time, so 8 o'clock there. i try to pass the time but it takes forever. sometimes ill nap or read. maybe masturbate. it gets boring without them. ollie's never skateboarded before; they think its scary. he said they think their height is 5'1, just an inch under me. i like to tease ollie about that. ollie takes really short showers, too (just like him). i also tease them about that. it doesnt seem to like flirting, but when its playful and non-genuine they find it funny, although i try to avoid it altogether. in a discord chat, before they met me, ollie said partner was a term they favored over girlfriend/boyfriend. i think its cute; im starting to prefer 'partner' too. it said they thought about cuddling a lot. ill try to bring it up once in awhile to know theyre not alone in that thought. they bought a plant after we first met. we call each other names a lot, like 'homosexual' or 'gay' or smth about the country we live in. its fun to do that. theyll make posts on the transmasc dazai headcanon. it projects a lot onto dazai, especially 15zai. they like bsd gacha reactions but not the ooc ones yet he stills watches them anyways. the only types he doesnt watch are the videos including youtube shorts. its relatable though. they recently made a strawpage if any of y'all have scrolled so far. ollie is autistic and says they take showers a lot because he doesnt like being sweaty. it said theyre asexual so even if theyre fine with sex jokes, i also try not to bring them up often. he has three dogs in total, four at their dad's home (the ones most popular in being sent to me are ruby and archie; his dad's girlfriend has two other dogs called suzie and max) and one at their mom's (poppy). they call their mom 'mam' which i, again, think is cute. their birthday is december 20th. thats only six days before mine. ollie sends me voice messages a lot and i really like their voice. some words are kinda hard to hear with the dialect differences but its mainly understandable. ollie introduced me to the game pony town a few weeks ago and i really go on there to boop and kiss them. other than that, im not online often. purple, yellow, certain shades of green and brown, and blue are some colors ollie said they liked. i once asked if theyd rate himself out of ten. ollie's answer was '10/10 ofc'. ill think about if i could vent about unimportant things that seem important at the moment. ollie could do the same to me. i wouldnt mind. i find that everything about it is important. it might like this song or this band or this genre. whats his favorite author? should i vc or is it at their moms home? why wont they respond? ollie must be busy. but what if ollie isnt? what if theyre ignoring me? i really do know i need to stop getting caught up in my head. i know they care for me. but even the tiniest bit of thinking they dont like me makes me upset. but then they text me and i get happy again!! i love talking to them <3 it brings me comfort. speaking of comfort, they'll try to make me feel better when i mention im sad, it doesnt help much, but i appreciate the thought. i really do. ollie's kind.

[chirpchangeling]

5, 6, 12, 21 for J0hn? (you don't have to do all those dfsjlskdsdf)

5. What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them?

First song that comes to mind is probably johnathan coulton's Artificial Heart, i still remember so fondly that bit of art bubbly made for it in relation to the j0hn playlist. Im not sure its the song that fully encapsulates him best but it is a favorite of mine

6. What's something you have in common with this character?

we're Fixers. Being able to Apply ourself hands on, practically, in the solution or prevention of problems helps us feel more comfortable and in control of stressful and anxiety inducing situations 👍

Also massive fucking nerds about media but thats a given

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

While Larry/FL Man was a 'maybe this is just a phase?' baby gay as seen in the nccts i think john was a 'i always sorta knew i was different™️ and- especially before i knew how to label how- that was alienating and scary to confront or acknowledge' baby gay. Seems thematically in line with his whole 'knows exactly who he is and who he wants to be' thing and the fact he percieves and feels prism's attempts at changing his words as 'anxiety'

21. If you're a fic writer and have written for this character, what's your favorite thing to do when you're writing for this character? What's something you don't like?

I LOVED writing j0hn for Hour Hand, I love trying to express a character through writing how they think about their circumstances and he comes very naturally to me as a POV character because he seems to think through his circumstances pretty thoroughly, which lets me explore a lot of things easily that writing other characters faithfully makes hard. cough dantoinette and crimson you annoying little avoidant fuckheads cough

In terms of things i dont like thinking of appropriate J0hnisms (awkwardly phrased 'buddy i know what you mean but what do you mean' coolguy shit like 'i can hack this for breakfast' or 'she was a total lamo to my whole body') on purpose is hardddddd :( fumbling a phrase on purpose in a way that feels natural in writing is harddddddd :( which makes me sad because theyre one of his most charming features to me

[studioboner]

ur art iz soso cute and pretty!! do you have any tipz for when working with watercolor(or paint in general)?

Sure!

Dont bother buying expensive materials if youre just starting, cheap or intermediate stuff is more than enough to start off and decide if you really like it and want to continue. Plus some mro expensive materials are harder to use if you dont have practice. I would never recommend a natural hair brush for a begginer watercolorist Those videos about essentials skills to have, or most common mistakes made CAN help, dont let them limit how you experiment with watercolors though, there are no rules. Those are usually tips given to make it easier to do a technic the most common way. You're free to try different paths Aim for an in-between level of "too easy, i can do this" and "too hard thats not on my skill yet". You have to find a middle ground to do it because that's what help keep people interested. If you only paint the very easy watercolor tutorials you see, theres a chance you'll grow bored and tired of it as it has become "too easy". Doesnt have to be every time of course, but it helps alot to not grow bored. It'll take a while to get used to watercolors, even if you know of many technics, practicing them and knowing how they will turn out by experience is another story. Don't feel bad if something didnt go the way you expected, you can always try the oppossite next time and see how that goes.

Copy Master's works, this doesnt have to be just dead masters, living ones too! Copying is a genuine good way of studying. As long as you dont claim them to be yours and give them proper credit, it's not plagiarism. It doesn't hurt to ask though, specially if the artist you are going to be copying to learn is not a big name. In my experience though the artists i've asked if i could copy to study tehir work they had been flattered that i'd want to do that. Theres no need to ask for some big name tho just credit lol, like for example doing watercolor studies of studio ghibli's storyboards..... that's a good one btw! their storyboards are pretty and have GOOD colors but still are super simple! Usually just one layer of paint, minimal wet in wet shading or glazing.

Share Your Works, i know specially for begginers this one can be scary to do, but i promise you that the number of fellow begginers who will feel encouraged by you posting is a great number. And experienced artists who are GOOD people would never look down on a begginer. Rather than "man they cant draw lol" it'll be a sentiment of "i remember when my skills were a similar level! i hope this new artists has a fun time with art :D" Sharing your works and getting feedback and building a small community with other artists or even some fans is a massive encouragement ! [it's not everything of course but it's nice to be appreciated] Uh mind you, this step might take a long while. i've been posting art for nearly 10 years and it took me maybe 8 or so years of posting for something of mine to get more than 70 notes or so. [70 notes is already alot tho! wohhoo!

[lostmyremembrall]

haii ^^ congratulations for reaching 1K followers!! seeing the way you worked hard for this blog and the way you write your works, you very much deserved it 🤩 may i join your event if thats still alright?

-𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐧𝐚𝐤𝐞 — 🐍

Go on a date with Tom! Send in anything you're comfortable sharing about yourself (such as your love language), and I'll write a mini HC of date with Tom, specifically curated for you.

im a hufflepuff with a white stallion as my patronus. my love language is gift giving in terms of giving, but if we're talking about receiving i think mine would be words of affirmation and act of service? like, idk why but the simplest supportive words like "i believe you can do it," could make me cry (my teacher once said that to me and i accidentally cried in front of her lmfao)

im an introvert, and sometimes im shy but i dont think to the point where i avoid people. half of me is shy but the other part of me got a little thrill from meeting new people. it's scary at first, but i think it's interesting to make new friends and get to know people. i realised i tend to reached out to people first, after thoroughly study them from afar lol. i'd say i have a big circle of friends, but a small circle of precious, treasured besties.

i like to take pictures and videos. most of the time if i took videos of my friends and i, i'd edit the videos for memories (the type with background musics and such)

i like to style myself. i love doing my hair and my style of outfit is the feminine type, i love wearing dresses and skirts. i do it for myself, it feels good somehow

if i were in hogwarts (we are indeed hogwarts students but whatever) subjects that i'd excel in are charms and herbology. potions would be the subject i'd least like

thats all i think, i hope its not too much because i don't know what i should say in general 🥲 do not rush in doing this! have a nice dayy

🐍 𝐘𝐨𝐮�� 𝐃𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐇𝐂 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐓𝐨𝐦

A/N: Thank you so much for the sweet messages! I'm sorry I took such a long time to get to yours, but I really enjoyed writing this. The info you provided gave me so much inspiration for different scenarios! And you can probably tell I was swooning just writing about this haha. Anyways, hope you'll enjoy it!

You reached out to Tom first. To be fair, he acts cool and arrogant, and never shows any interest that he might have in others.

You found him intriguing in ways beyond what others saw in him, that he might be more complex than a simple prodigy.

It took a long time, but you helped him feel seen and heard, helping him open up.

Tom likes watching you style yourself, especially on the weekends while he waits for you to get ready for the date.

One morning, he stood up from his usual spot on your bed without a word.

You were sitting in front of the mirror, drying your hair with your wand.

He sat behind you, and ignoring your inquisitive glance, took some strands of your hair and began to dry it with his wand.

Somehow, Tom had memorised your styling routine to perfection.

Flabbergasted, you lowered your wand and quietly observed him through the mirror.

His serious eyes were trained on your hair, but you didn't miss the faint smile that tugged at his lips.

His fingers gently rustled through your locks of hair.

It was impressive, his adept fingers moving your hair with such precision, you could've mistaken him for a professional hairdresser.

Soon enough, he moved on to brushing your hair.

He was even more gentle with it, if that was possible. Holding your hair in his left as he brushed with his right.

It was comforting in an intimate way you've never experienced, to have someone running their fingers through your hair.

You gave a shiver every time his slender, cool fingers brushed against your neck.

He gave you a black silk ribbon on the back of your hair.

You found yourself blushing as Tom's face zoomed next to yours.

Through the mirror, you found Tom's eyes still focused on your hair, twirling the wisps of leftover strands of hair in his fingers to give them a curl.

You felt the heat emanating from his face, and your cheeks burning in return.

He tucked in a strand of hair behind your hair, and gave one curt nod to himself, content with the outcome of his work.

Tom acted nonchalant about it for the rest of the date, but needless to say, you

For his Christmas present, you gave him a photo stand of you two together.

He doesn't smile when taking photos. He used to be averse to them, so he's come a long way until he reluctantly agreed to take photos with you.

The photo stand features his serious, almost suspicious gaze at the camera and your smiling face. You catch him off guard with a peck on his cheek. The photo loops after Tom turns his shocked eyes to you.

He showed his appreciation when he received the gift, but as always, he did not smile.

But, the next time you visited his room, you found to photo stand on the bed stand. The only photo he has in his room.

Still, months after Christmas, you catch him staring at the photo. Whenever the photo-Tom gets shocked with a peck, he huffs out quiet laughter from his nostrils, and his lips turn into an amused smile.

You think he actually enjoys looking at the photo in his free time.

Many of your dates include studying.

Tom doesn't technically need any help with Charms or Herbology, but he comes seeking your advice, saying that he can "always strive for perfection."

Tom is a massive help with potions. He gets very invested in your grades, which can become a nuisance sometimes.

But, most often, the after-school help in the potions classroom can become very romantic and wholesome.

Tom quickly noticed how well you respond to encouragements.

Tom knows that your grade in potion comes from your disinterest, and not your ineptitude in any way.

During brewing draught of the living dead for Slughorn's assignment, in which timing is of the essence, Tom intentionally backed off to let you brew the potion on your own.

You were focusing on brewing, since there is essentially no time in between the procedures.

Tom observed you closely, and murmured "I know you can do this."

It lit your heart aflame knowing that he knew you to be fully capable.

And when the draught came out perfectly, earning you full marks, the satisfaction was even greater.

You two are the couple that constantly betters each other: challenging each other to get out of their comfort zone and grow. Not by pushing each other to the limit, but by encouraging each other and believing in each other. And, if things fail, you both would be waiting for the other with open arms ❤️

[goremet-chef]

trying to keep my emotions in check is so fucking hard man. like the pain i feel is so intense and real, but i also know i feel it for nothing. AND YET when i acknowledge this, the pain persists anyways!! never reassured properly cuz i can never see to kill the little voice in my head whispering "what if they do though? what if its true?" its so. frustrating its so PAINFUL this shit is slowly killing me man

its like. im scared to be caught in it if it IS true, to the point where ill just. back up and straight up leave sometimes

even when nothing bad has happened, and everyone is normal, even the smallest thing will tip me off and ill start feeling bad. ill start feeling like something happened and everyones upset with me, they like me less, theyre bored of me, annoyed, disgusted, ETC

its so scary man. and the worst part? i will never ever bring it up. ill never talk it through, never make my feelings known because i cant BEAR to make everything about me!!!!!! even if sharing how i feel isnt inherently selfish, ill feel like it is. itll tear me apart. there is no fucking escape!!! if i never say anything, then im leaving mid conversation to go cry in my bathroom and coming back like nothing is bothering me. if i do say something, ill sour the mood. everyone else is always having a good time, how could i just.. RUIN that? because i misinterpreted something and decided suddenly that no one actually likes me and im just.

im stuck in this loop where like. i want to be a good friend, a FUN friend. i dont want people to watch what they say around me, i dont want them to check up on how im doing, i should just be doing GOOD. but im not, i never am. its such bullshit man

why do i have to live so fucking miserably? why do i have to feel this pain, why do i always tear up over seemingly nothing? why is everything so heavy all the time

i hate that im someone who needs some kind of accommodation, i wish so desperately that i was just.. normal. normal enough to not cry like a fucking baby while everyone else is having a good time. i wish i wasnt like this, wish it so fucking badly

i dont make friends with shitty people, all my friends are so cool and sweet but like.. i just cant bring myself to bring it up, ever. i wanna be silly goofy dominic. i want them to love being around me so much that they forget about the unbelievably massive pile of mental issues i have. i want them to forget how easy it is to hurt me, even if its completely unreasonably and stupid

most of the time im successful, cuz ive got a quieter bpd going on. all the feelings are just as intense and suffocating, but i just. keep it all bottled inside, keep it all in the safety of my room. theres no like.

this is the closest ill ever get to sharing. spitting it out into a void because im too cowardly to confront my OWN emotions

i think thats what hurts the worst. i feel so fucking SELFISH. i know everyone has emotions, and id respect and love everybody elses, but mine? nothing makes me feel worse than when people actually care about me. it makes bottling everything up so hard. so hard when they ask if im okay and i have to lie to their face cuz im still not strong enough to confess whats slowly eating my alive

im just too scared of being too much. its like this line that i cant cross. i dont want to be overbearing, i dont want to be so outwardly emotional, i dont want to be VISIBLY MISERABLE to the people who love me, or at least like me enough to stick around.

but im so unsocialized that this is damn near the only way. i wanna be the fun silly goofy friend but the fact of the matter is that im just not. watching me try to participate in any conversation is just.. painful. and i can SEE how painful it is. its embarrassing how bad i am at talking. it only makes things worse, pulls me back from my dream of being someone that people ENJOY speaking to. its sad

even if im not as boring and awkward as i think i am, the fact that i think it alone holds me back. theres been so many times where i just.. bite my tongue and stay quiet even if i have an opportunity to tell a joke or something cuz the voice in the back of my head tells me "what if they dont get it? what if they dont think its funny? what if they only pretend to laugh? how embarrassing would that be?" and its right. i have to like.. silence myself so that i wont ever face any kind of rejection, because if i do itll kill me and ill feel so fucking miserable over it

i wish i didnt live my life this way, but in my head there are very few options, and all of them are bad

[ifeltfree]

Yeah, of course I'll talk with you about it. I'm sorry to hear you're recently diagnosed. I'd say it gets better, but I'd be lying. What does change is that you get tougher, more resilient. If you're lucky, you have people around you who understand and support you well. The seizures never stop being terrifying.

It's an awful disease and one that is extremely misunderstood. Isolating is the right word, for sure. I was diagnosed at 16, so I know how hard it can be to have it as a teenager/young person as well. It feels like it's stealing from you. It is. Don't let anyone tell you any different. Your feelings are justified.

As far as how I cope? Poorly, for a long time, but recently things have been looking up. I was seizure-free for about five years before a recent set of breakthrough seizures (I crashed my car too, lol what a time), so I'm relearning how to deal with the fear and paranoia.

Logistically, I've done a few things:

I was able to get my job to let me work from home 3/5 days of the week.

I sleep. A lot. I still hang out with people and I have a lot of friends, but I had to accept there are things I can't do.

I spend a lot of time in quiet. Overstimulation doesn't help. I found this out the long way - took me forever to realize shutting up one or a few of my senses cut down the brain activity (I'm dumb).

I don't drink. I used to drink - probably too much. Substance abuse and epilepsy don't mix. That wasn't the reason for my breakthroughs, but I do have a little sobriety app. Kinda fun, honestly.

I talk to my friends about it.

That last point is something that I'd never done before this year. It's hard, of course, but I think it's helped that my friends now know I'm having crises of sanity, faith, philosophy - whatever - every day of my goddamn life. It's impossible to live with this disease and not think about what's real, what's not, if I'm losing time, what exactly is a soul...you understand.

Also, seizures are impossible to describe, but I try. That helps as well. Horrifies my friends, but they've said it's ok to talk about.

Every seizure I've had (barring these last ones, or I'd have killed myself) has stolen my personhood from me. I'd wake up as a different person, and then I'd just...live in a stranger's apartment, wear a stranger's clothes, wake up in a stranger's bed. After about a week, the feeling starts to fade but nothing ever goes back to that first reality. That disorientation is, for me, one of the worst parts of epilepsy. It's fucking scary. And if you go through that, I am so, so sorry.

If you want to talk about this more, let me know. I'm much less serious than I seem, and I write like this because I'm overeducated after being scared shitless by my brain. So.

Anyway, feel free to publish this and I hope you feel better soon.

Also, tell your tattoo artist what happened - they'll thank you for not coming in, and they also need to know you're not a flake. Don't want to make them responsible for an unconscious body when they don't have to be! :)

thank you for talking to me more about this. you worded a lot of this really well and its reassuring to know its normal to feel that way that i do about it all. my family thinks im exaggerating it so sometimes i question if im blowing things out of proportion.

anyway, thats terrible that you crashed your car. thats such a huge fear of mine and i cant imagine going through that, im so sorry. its so unfortunate that you have to miss out on things, but im glad you figured out what works for you to keep you in better shape. im gonna try and be mindful about the things you mentioned and see if they make a difference for me, thank you

i dont have much of a support system, most of my friends stopped talking to me after college and i find it hard to meet new people where i live. its significantly harder to cope with shit like this when youre on your own. im sure you get it. and i totally understand what you mean by losing your sense of self. it feels like everything is foggy, all the time but even worse on days i have seizures. it almost makes me mad cause its not fair that after everything else that comes with it, i have to have a diluted watered down personality too.

again thank you for this. ill definitely reach out if the urge arises and you definitely can too. im always open to talk, about anything

[obscureother]

the og cockney criminal f/o.

screaming for better res photos one day of him.

What do your f/o's hugs feel like? he gives hard tight hugs!! sometimes theyre cold tho if he's been outside rgkf- or very warm cos he just got back from ESCAPING THE POLICE. good strong hugs tho, he gives hard pats on the back or very big squeezes -v-

What are your favorite dates to have with them? s/i 1's most favorite date he ever took her on was one where he couldn't afford a proper dinner date somewhere nor did he really have a place to stay for the night. . but this was when he was still too anxious to go to her house often. so what he did was he found a very obscure alley, and he got some mattresses and blankets and stuff and made a little fort for them (cos bb loves the forts, and it would keep them from getting rained on if there was weather). he got spray paint, chinese takeout, and stole a guitar. . and they hung out together for the night until she convinced him to go home with her once they were getting tired. . he was teaching her how to draw with the spray paint, got her extra shrimp on her little rice box. . played a little quiet guitar for her while they laid on each other. very nice night for them. . for me and barry tho, i like taking him out with me to old drive-ins or car shows :0 he likes old cars and motorcycles and stuff, and i like the movies. . so car shows and drive-in theatres are like. . the coolest for him to go on. uvu

What are their favorite dates to have with you? he likes to find hideouts i think :0 or spending the night at hotels where they can do whatever they want no consequences (except s/i 1 still worries about trashing the hotel room consequences and doesnt usually fall into that kdjfds-) but he likes going to cool abandoned stuff or finding neat places to sneak into with her. i think he would do the same with me, except given the f/o version of him cant drag me out to scary places, he just keeps me feeling safe whenever im walking around at night and thats how we talk and hang out sometimes.

Do you have any songs that remind you of them? Do they have any songs that make them think of you? oh lots of them tbh. . he would have a whole playlist if i made the time, but i think our jam is Motley Crue "Rock 'N Roll Junkie," especially cos it came from the movie he's from. I think he's gotten into the Arctic Monkeys "R U Mine" one tho. . ?

What's the height difference between you and your f/o? he is uhh. . 5'11", so roughly 6 inches or so taller than me or s/i 1.

On a 1-10 scale, with 1 being the least and 10 being the most, how much do they like PDA with you? 10/10 will make out sloppy for PDA. Does not care, would do it just to show off or fluster me or s/i 1 for sure.

What's your favorite feature about your f/o? other than his outfit, i do just like the way he giggles and grins. . i like his hair tho too. i dont normally think of lighter hair colors, but his is good. i like his swoopy curls going on. . they make me want to hold on them.

What do you think they smell like? assuming he's not covered in blood and sweat from fighting on the streets, he normally smells very heavily of worn leather, cheap cologne, smoke, whiskey. . like, you know he's been outside and that jacket has gone through every kind of weather, but the leather smell is still thick and very addictive. bad influence he is. if he doesnt get you smoking off his cigarettes, drinking with him, or doing something stupid, you get hooked on his jacket like the metaphorical drug he's looking for instead.

What is your f/os biggest love languages? They don't have to be one of the "five", it can be anything specific they use to show you love. he's very physical, but to know he's not just thinking of you as a one-off, its just that he keeps coming back for you. he keeps in contact with you, he trusts you. . the man is on the run. if he wants to keep you, he's going to try to, even if he can't do it as often as he likes at first. he has to ease himself into feeling safe to keep going back to somewhere not because of you, but because of the people he works for or against, and because he's scared of putting the one he cares about in danger. To know him as anything other than "Smiley" or see the tender side from his alter ego, that is his one step towards maybe liking you more than he planned to. he also has teasing where he's being a bully, and teasing because he likes someone and likes to see their cute reactions to things or play with them. he banters for love.

Do you guys sleep in the same bed? If so, what's it like sleeping with them? barry, both as f/o and in the universe with s/i 1, will. . try on occasion to stay the night. he gets anxious about the police or his enemies finding him when he sleeps somewhere, and on top of him worrying about them getting the other person involved, he doesnt always actually sleep when he stays the night unless he is plum exhausted from running or other things. he likes to share a bed with me or s/i 1, he likes to get close and grabby and physical until we/they both fall asleep because he rarely gets that anymore even from the girls he used to sleep with, but he feels like he cannot or something bad will happen.

What's your favorite headcanon about your f/o? ok ive got a couple. one: the guy can almost never just freaking die lol. he's gotten a tv smashed on his head in a flooded boat, several car and motorcycle wrecks, he's fallen from the like, fifth floor of the Capitol Records building or something ONTO A PIANO. . omg. and then for f/o version, i HC that Ford didn't quite get a fatal shot on him and Smiley was just stunned. He just has immeasurable luck against fate itself or something lol. He's escaped traps and captures i dont know how many times. two: he had to learn to like cats. . he used to hate them. very much a dog guy instead, he likes the scary ones but he also likes really any kind of dog that isnt just annoying (he's less fond of the yappy smaller breeds), but he does learn to like cats. . so now he likes my cats :)) but only my cats. . and only some of the nice strays he's come across, but he's still kind of hesitant of cats most of the time.

What is the dynamic that you and your f/o have? very stereotypical bad boy/criminal x good girl kind of thing. he would sneak onto college grounds with s/i 1 or me, smuggle himself places he wasnt supposed to be to meet up. he's got a soft spot for ones like s/i 1. . very tough guy/soft baby contrast going on. love him. he does indulge in those stereotypes or lets us play cops and robbers with him but hot wheels version.

What does your f/o do for you when you're having a rough day? he doesnt know well how to comfort really other than going like "ah yeah, fak that guy." or getting your mind off things. he'll get me to think of other stuff like cool stories he's got of literal crimes he's committed, bank heists he went on, or he plays hot wheels with me or tells me about cool cars he saw or got to ride (as in he stole them, and they may or may not have been crashed before he could return them from "borrowing" them for a joy ride.) he also talks in funny cockney slang, usually insults or horrible things one shouldnt say to make me laugh. uvu

Do you like to hold hands? If so, what's that like? ya!! he let me hold his hand, he dont mind 👉🏻 👈🏻 he would rather be holding other things rdfgkdf- he's kind of a grabby guy, but he can hold hands too instead. he keeps a good grip on me to keep me safe, its kind of a habit for him, but not so tight or overly protective as other f/os are. more casual for him.

Do they like to give you little kisses? If so, where is their favorite place to kiss? (Face, hands, etc) ya he like give kisses. . he kinda messy or like. . in the face with them tho sometimes. not that he cant be sensual or tender or that its all the time, but its kind of like. yknow, how you would expect rough guys or flirty criminals to kiss you. he gives them on the neck, side of the face, or the side or top of the head. sometimes he gives shoulder kisses. .

Vice versa, do YOU like to give them little kisses? If so, where is YOUR favorite place to give them? ya i give him kisses too :0 i like to kiss his face -v- on his stubble, or pinch his cheeks before i kiss them!! i kiss his hands. . on his knuckles, his fisties. cos they do too much punching. they need more kisses. forehead kisses. . chest, shoulder kisses. . yaa, i love give himb kisses <33

What's your favorite silly leisure activity to do with your f/o? he plays hot wheels with me :0 or he teaches me cockney slang! usually bad things i wont never say to people skdjsf= but its fun!! and he teases me when i dont say something right. sometimes we also watch scary movies, cos he likes those -v- he'll make fun of people on the tv then we both make fun of them together.

What is your favorite compliment that your f/o gives you? What is your favorite nickname that they have for you, if they have one? he gives spicy compliments usually 😳 i dont mind those, but he does tease me cos im not used to spicy things. . but we make references to bonnie and clyde (i know, basic 😔 but we joke about how we DONT get caught and filled with holes kfsd-) or being partners in crime. . sometimes he teases me for being like. . the polar opposite of how he is, "good girl" kind of thing if you will. tends to call me "doll" more than the other brit f/os. .

What's your favorite compliment to give THEM? What is your favorite nickname to call them? i like to talk to him about his smile. . s/i 1 once told him that even tho everyone calls him "Smiley" because he laughs or grins when he does his job or gets into any kind of trouble, she calls him that and just thinks of how warm his smile is or makes her feel. . he gets called a few things other than smiley, tho. he's normally just called Barry, but sometimes he's called things like "giggly crime man" or "cockney criminal" (while technically i now have two of those, there is really only one that i regularly call that and that is him.) there's no other "cockney criminal" to me than Barton. . 🖤

I want everyone to have the chance to ramble about their romantic f/os, so I'm gonna make a reblog game where yall can answer the plethora of questions I'm gonna toss down. Any of the questions you want to answer, as little or as much as you'd like!! I'll read them all. PR.O.SHIP DNI!!! AT ALL! GET OUT-

SO!! SELFSHIPPERS! RIDDLE ME THIS:

What do your f/o's hugs feel like?

What are your favorite dates to have with them?

What are their favorite dates to have with you?

Do you have any songs that remind you of them? Do they have any songs that make them think of you?

What's the height difference between you and your f/o?

On a 1-10 scale, with 1 being the least and 10 being the most, how much do they like PDA with you?

What's your favorite feature about your f/o?

What do you think they smell like?

What is your f/os biggest love languages? They don't have to be one of the "five", it can be anything specific they use to show you love.

Do you guys sleep in the same bed? If so, what's it like sleeping with them?

What's your favorite headcanon about your f/o?

What is the dynamic that you and your f/o have?

What does your f/o do for you when you're having a rough day?

Do you like to hold hands? If so, what's that like?

Do they like to give you little kisses? If so, where is their favorite place to kiss? (Face, hands, etc)

Vice versa, do YOU like to give them little kisses? If so, where is YOUR favorite place to give them?

What's your favorite silly leisure activity to do with your f/o?

What is your favorite compliment that your f/o gives you? What is your favorite nickname that they for you, if they have one?

What's your favorite compliment to give THEM? What is your favorite nickname to call them?

Okay I can't wait to see some answers!! Feel free to reblog as many times with as many f/os as you want. ANYONE CAN PARTICIPATE! SEEING THIS POST IS AN INVITATION FOR YOU!!

People I'd like to see answer this off the top of my head (but don't have to!!): @moxanji-real @one-winged-dreams @lovesickvalentines @graveluvr @clawingatmy-enclosure @starshakez @jpeg-indulgence @everynya @tropgothships @selfshipping-tboy @amelielovesamaris @pixel-comfort @fl0ralsxgar

[floaromatown]

do you have any tips about getting PR in canada, i'm trying to figure this out with my gf who lives in america (also idv edaters. unfortunately)

WE WERE NOT IDV EDATERS SCREAMMMMM you should have just kicked sand in my eyes. i begged him to play idv with me he wouldnt cos he was scared. anyway.

unfortunately my tips are very limited as ive been 'done' with the bullshit for over a year now. and like immigration lawyers literally get paid thousands cause its so complicated :( like not in a 'pay me' way but like its an insane feat to pull off without professional help. that and pr shit is changing all the time so im sure a lot of what i experienced is outdated

i spent like 1.5 years no exaggeration in the pr RESEARCH mines (mostly on r/immigrationcanada) and honestly i still felt like i was learning new shit right up until the day i submitted my application. and then more and more after i had submitted it. its really really hard unfortunately. i really advise asking/searching for questions on that subreddit whenever possible, there are a lot of people who can help when youre unsure.

if it wasnt clear you have to be married to apply for the spousal sponsorship, which as far as I understand is pretty much how most american to ca prships happen. if you (when i say you i mean your american girl bc thats the perspective im coming from) happen to have a skilled job (the canadian gov website has a key to determine if your job classifies as skilled) then I believe there is another route, but I wasn't eligible so idk shit about that. dont bother looking into whether you qualify as common law or conjugal or whatever bc you very very likely dont meet their standards. i got married in the states a week before crossing the border, your marriage certificate would be valid in canada

off the bat i would say, unless you know for sure your living situation would 100% COMPLETELY PROVIDE FOR YOU for 6 months to a year, then you should probably apply for an OUTLAND spousal sponsorship. if you move in together in canada and apply for INLAND spousal sponsorship then you cannot work period, there is no legal way for you to make any cent of income. you will not be eligible for provincial healthcare, so i recommend getting long term travel insurance (i rec geoblue). the border is a whole other ordeal if you don't have any status in canada, you can't look like you're moving (i.e no moving boxes no tons of luggage) you can't look like you're eloping or staying for more than a couple months and even if you do everything right they still may suspect you and deny you entry. i did inland and it was really really difficult and at times scary for these reasons, i did not exactly do some things by the book in order to get by *WINKKK*. if you can stand to get married and then part for upwards of a year then i would really really suggest the outland route. unless youll be provided for then GOOD FOR YOU *shaking fist* random but americans also have to continue filing us taxes even if they have moved out of country. so remember that.

moreso tips umm DOCUMENT EVERYTHINGGG YOU DO TOGETHER this is my biggest piece of advice. you have to prove your relationship is legit, here is a list of stuff i included in my application:

receipts/the route we took for our honeymoon

screenshots of support from relatives, like facebook or other social media posts acknowledging your relationship

we got our wills done to make each other the sole benefactor

receipts and pictures of gifts weve gotten each other

photos of both of you with friends and family is 100% required

proof of past visits to each other

receipts and pics for past dates/outings/events

letters of support from family/friends (i got these notarized)

lots of stuff from online chat logs/social media. pictures of chats, phone calls, video calls from across years. i think i included at least one of each from every month since we got together. chats should be relevant to relationship stuff like discussing moving in, getting married, relatives, etc.

a letter detailing our relationship with exact dates, locations, etc. like when we met, when we started dating, when we visited, how we got engaged, etc. you have to make a case for yourself as if you were in court.

if youre researching stuff there is honestly not a lot of resources specifically for edaters! so many people like have like children together in another country or have been established there as a married couples for years so they have a ton of foundation to work off of. canada doesnt just want to see that youre in love they want to see the work that goes into that, like shared leases and joint bank accounts and years of financial support and children etc etc. it sucks but you have to justify it in other ways when youre (im assuming) young and childless and unmarried until recently. you can get some of those things once you move in together but idk, i was rather safe than sorry an scrounged up all the 'soft' evidence i could right up until i submitted it.

i think thats about it i wish i could help more lol. its definitely one of the hardest things ive had to do like emotionally financially temporally effortfully lmfao. good luck?!

[5-trans-aliens-in-a-trench-coat]

Okay. Please tell me. Is this too much to send to my friend? I don't know if it's too far or not.

I feel so close to you. Ive never felt this way with anyone else. We're like that trope of "more than friends less than lovers" we're different. We're special. I never believed in soulmates before i met you, but i do now. You're my person. We would find each other in every universe, wether we are friends or lovers or something else. You mean so much to me, and i know i say that a lot, but i still dont say it enough. I live you with all of my heart (and i dont care if you are able to say it back or not) Ive thought for a while that i like you romantically, but honestly im not sure. I just feel a connection with you thats more than most people ever find, and maybe thats what its like to like someone romantically, but also maybe not. Sometimes its hard to tell between different kinds of love. Its scary to be in love with someine for fear of ruining the relationship altogether and losing them. I know we are close, but i still wish we were closer. I miss you whenever we're nit together, and it scares me whener we dont talk much for a few days because i cant let you slip away. I wont. You are my whole world, i hope you know that. I could never lose you, because that would mean losing half my soul. Amd i would die if it meant saving you (and im fucking terrified of death, so youre the only one i would do that for). You are more than i ever coulve hoped to have. I never couldve seen you coming. Wherever fate takes us, (if we end up dating, if we hate each other, if we lose touch) you will still be forever with me. I carry your heart with me, i carry it in my heart. Ive heard poets talk about a string of fate, and that has reminded me ever increasingly of our invisible string. You have to admit that we're connected in a way most people arent. Maybe im crazy, but i think you'd have to be insane to not notice this stuff too. Maybe other people feel like this, but i have rarely seen anyone so truly committed to someone ekse as i am to you. The only true example i have seen is from the book the song of achilles. In the book, achilles is stubborn and rude and a terrible person for the last few years if his life. He lets countless people die because of his ego. Patroclus does not agree with any choice he makes, but he never once gets angry at achilles. He stands by him. He stands up for him. He stays with achilles, until he dies trying to fix achilles' mistakes, while still saving achilles from dealing with his own problems. However many mustakes achilles makes patroclus doesnt care, he stands by him forever. He found a boy of gold, and knew he would never let him go. Thats what you do. You find someone so important to you, and you vow that however much they screw up, you wont be angry, youll still love them the same. They are still yours. And, though achilles does most things for himself, esspecially towards the end of the war, he still dies getting revenge for patroclus' death. Those two are the textbook example of soulmates. They always find their way back to each other when they get seperated. They are loyal to each other to a fault. Their only moral compass(at least for patroclus) is to always follow the other, and fight for them. I see us in their story. Our places switch between the characters, but every set of soulmates that has ever existed has been fit in that cutout. We fit there alongside so many people. If there is only one set of soulmates per lifetine, then we are those two. We are less fragile that a set of ordinary friends, and we are less held back by the rules of lovers. We've got our own thing. You are mine, and i am yours. Ive never felt this way with anyone, and doubt i ever will with anyone else. I hope with ever fiber of my being you feel the same, but if you dont, i hope that you will trust me enough to tell me. There is so much more i could add to this, but hopfully i have a whole lifetime to do so.

[dreamingpine]

you think if i died someone will remeber me here? whille someone think of me some many years in the future and be like "oh i remeber them. they did some cute art sometimes. i wonder ehy they stopped uploading?"

i hope they think of me fonly and simple come to he conclusion that i just got busy with life or something. not that id have died. i hope. i don wanna make someone i dont know sad when they think of me. id be very uncomfortable i think. considering i dont know them. i think id feel the same for people i do know. i think living in my famil house has helped me with this because of how intrigrated i am in this dynamic, even if im quite.

i feel like if i live alone itll only be a matter of time before i quitely dissappear from being and being in everyone memories. i know the internet isnt as immortal as we've come to think but i dont think i wanna dissappear. i dont hink so anyway. i. like. watching tv? well not in the traditional sense but i like seein hings. i also used to like reading but i havent like. been doing that. i also like drawing i think, even tho its like. hard.to do. im not good at commitment i think. im sure.

i think. itll be a long and quite time before i go but. i . have.

i. uh. have heart? constipation? emotion.

i dont talk. and its like a joke now, but sometimes its hard to. sleep. and i. i dont think i work as much. at least compared to others but. i feel like im at work alot. i dont.

i dotn enjoy stuff. i would like to. and then

i. im not making the most of what i got. im. very complacent i think. i dont know if thats the word. things are. moving forward. its. it feels like. its o ly a matter of time before im left behind? the

he world. is a scary gloomy place. why cant i. why cant i be. the. be better. be nicer to people. be fun for myself. be the light in the dark. for me at least. i.

feel complicated when i think of me. the. i only look on if i rip a part of me out from my living beating chest and. place it in. put it in a. a pretty boy character. then i can see. and think and torment while being. while having a wall up because. its not me~ it not~ .like that. and i

im sorry chacter of my own that i like .im sorry my favorite store bought chacracter. who is not mine but had very little to say. so ive ripped you apart. and tormented you. for amusement. it was intreting. in sorry. i know your not real but.

im not.

story. maker. raconteur enoug. to. to feel like "okay but its a compelling story and the idea would be a nice thought piece for blah blah." i dont

i dont even have the art skills.

why do i always. justify and rationalize. my. sorrys are losing meaning. oh gosh.

[ladybeug]

Okay remember the chloe breakup playlist? 

@peachesandheather​ and @chaotictaste​ THANKS FOR ASKING i know its way later but i would LOVE to break this playlist down lets get GOING! 

this is a follow up to THIS post. 

CONTEXT:  for this fanmix to read correctly, you need to know its an aged-up AU. Chloe’s grown a bit already, and she’s learned to value making other people happy just for the sake of making them happy. She joins the superhero gang and they all reveal identities and she dates marinette for a bit but realizes that marinette is still into adrien, and so chloe breaks up with her. That’s the facts, theres a drabble about it here if you want more emotional depth. 

LISTEN HERE ON SPOTIFY and follow along. There will also be links to youtube lyric videos if you prefer that. 

Without further ado: 

The Louvre - Lorde 

This is a key track. The title track. 

The metaphor of the louvre itself really sits with me. On the one hand, it’s The Louvre - an internationally recognized place to Put Important Things. What’s more, to put Art - beautiful things that defy description. And yet we keep trying. On the other hand, it’s The Louvre - there’s a suggestion that you’re not supposed to touch it. It’s precious enough that it needs to be preserved and displayed carefully - don’t knock into it. That’s a scary new relationship. Something extremely precious that you almost trust. 

Now remember the louvre metaphor, that one comes back in track 7. 

The rest of this breakdown is under the cut to spare the poor people just trying to scroll through tumblr. You guys enjoy your evening. Everyone else, follow me!!

If you’re reading this i love you thank you for indulging me. 

 You’re Gonna Make me Lonesome When You Go - Madeleine Peyroux 

Despite not being the title track, this is the song that inspired the whole playlist! I love it. Its layered. 

I like to imagine Chloe has a moment, like the calm before the storm, when she realizes she has to break up with marinette, and she feels almost zen about it. Maybe she’s been struggling with trying to open up and be vulnerable and ask for love. And finally she decides she doesn’t want to ask for love anymore, she’s tired of it, and she’s going to go back to pushing people away. For a moment it’s just a relief to stop trying, it’s comforting to revert to who she used to be in the face of losing marinette. 

This song has a resigned feel to it. It feels like someone who doesn’t quite really believe they deserve love. That’s a theme throughout this playlist too.

Lastly, in the context of the AU - chloe would feel good about giving marinette a chance to be with someone she really wants to be with. She’s grown a lot since she was a kid and likes to be the kind of person who cares about others. It’s bittersweet but feels a little... right. 

Call it Off - Tegan & Sara 

They break up. 

Paper Bag - Fiona Apple 

Chloe takes it back, it doesn’t feel ‘bittersweet but a little... right’!! It sucks!! 

This one’s about chloe feeling sorry for herself about having to break up with Marinette. It’s bitter and frustrated, it says why can’t I have nice things?? It’s about being SO close to love - so close you could taste it - and having to cut yourself off. 

It also has that resigned feel to it - the need to starve yourself of love because you can’t have it. The disbelief in a happy ending, and a little bit of self blame.

Woke Up New - The Mountain Goats 

This is the other side of the breakup coin. If ‘Paper Bag’ is the bitterness and reflection on how chloe feels about breaking up, ‘Woke Up New’ is just about... not having marinette. 

It removes the self-reflection and the over-thinking. It’s just about loss. You miss someone. And I think chloe would miss marinette. She’s been lonely before, and for a while she didn’t feel lonely, and now she feels lonely again - it’s uncomplicatedly sad. It’s just a sad moment. 

Be Mine! - Robyn 

Okay now we turn up the tempo a little, we’ve been sad, we’ve been self-reflective, bring on the poor coping mechanisms! Turn up the volume, pour yourself a drink, and get a little mad about your breakup!

But also dont forget to be kind of resigned and defeatist about it. That’s still crucial and will continue to be crucial for a little longer. 

Fists Up - BLOW 

This is another key song, and is our second reference to the Louvre. 

But it brings a third, new aspect to the Louvre, that Lorde didn’t bring. The security of the Louvre. BLOW says, ‘my love is a fortress, my love is the louvre, but it can’t ever thrive if i’m forced to keep proving it’. There’s the same suggestion that love is worth valuing, but also reminds us that love is difficult to access - which is absolutely true for chloe, who protects herself instinctively. She’s always been very defensive, and part of growing has been fighting to overcome that instinct - it’s what let her get so close to marinette in the first place. But it didn’t work out, which is bitter, and makes her angry. There’s almost a self-righteousness, trying to blame someone else for not treating you precious enough. 

Also worth noting that this song is about the internal fight between hope and defeat in a relationship. Chloe ended the relationship with ladybug because she didn’t believe it would work, and she doesn’t believe she’s enough. But it’s so hard to stop hope, which makes defeat more painful.

Shampain - Marina and the Diamonds 

Remember when we started drinking to Robyn’s “Be Mine”? We are drinking a LOT more now and we are SO COOL and DONE thinking about this. We are NOT SAD ANYMORE!!! ITS FINE!! 

Hurricane Drunk - Florence & the Machine 

Chloe is still very drunk and is now being sad on purpose. 

Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs 

Now it’s 3 am and chloe is not that drunk anymore but she is soooo so so sad. Chloe misses her girlfriend sooo much. this sucks this sucks this sucks alcohol did not help??? how come that didnt work?? 

If you wanna get creative this is the scene where chloe shows up on marinettes balcony and makes a scene and marinette takes her home and tucks her in very kindly and very platonically. 

Gotta Have You - The Weepies 

This song is on the cusp of acceptance. This playlist is admittedly like... a little depressing, especially as I write it all out - theres a lot of wrestling with self-esteem, and fighting loneliness. That’s hard. This song is tired. It’s tried everything. 

It’s the thematic foil to ‘You’re Going To Make Me Lonesome When You Go’. Both songs have the same gentle, steady rhythm. In the first, chloe was in the relationship, sad but accepting that the relationship would end. Now, she’s out of the relationship, and she just wants to be back in. But there’s a little bit of that same acceptance. 

This song feels like saying out loud what you want, and even though you can’t have it, the fact that you know what it is and you can say it feels good. 

Go Ahead - Rilo Kiley

Alright guys we’re solidly in acceptance by now. We’re out of the heavy emotional woods. We’ve made it. 

This song is bittersweet and not a truly happy one, but it holds a genuine wish for someone else’s happiness that hasn’t appeared in most of the songs in this playlist. It’s reminiscent of the wish chloe had in the first place, to end the relationship not only to protect herself but to give marinette a chance to be happy. To do a good and selfess thing. 

It’s both. It’s sad and it’s good. It’s complex. 

New Years Day - Taylor Swift 

This is the third key song. And it’s a truly beautiful one. 

This song ties us back to the beginning, and says do you remember what all this fuss is really about? What was so important that you put it in the Louvre?

Chloe is still on a team with marinette. There’s a point at which she would have to choose to cut marinette off, or... figure out something else. This song is about figuring out something else. The ‘what comes next’ of a difficult relationship. They don’t get back together, but they stay friends, even if its weird, and even when chloe feels left out or marinette doesn’t know what to say. But they want to stay in each others lives. And it’s worth the work.

A Fairytale Ending - The Boy Least Likely To 

A reflection on how difficult it is to grow and face life head on, and how it changes you.

I Wanna Get Better - Bleachers

We have to have some closure here. It’s going to be okay. 

THATS THE PLAYLIST 

Pretty somber now that I have it all written out like that. but still a great one.

[detransexual]

Im struggling with femininity at this point in my detransition. I have so many thoughts about it, ill try to not go on forever but bear with me.

I know i dont have to be 100% gender non conforming, i know a long flowy dress in summer isnt exactly anti feminist, but it certainly isnt rejecting the ideals that are already in place either. I dont like wearing makeup, it fucks with my perception of myself, but being able to cover up the ever present shadow of facial hair is really relieving. I dont like wearing bras, but a very slightly cupped/padded sportsbra makes a (surprisingly) big difference in making me look like a flatchested woman rather than a dude. I dont like the concept of plastic surgery or surgery in general, but i would love to look more normal even without prosthetics or just a bra, i would to look a little closer to what i should have been like. I miss them the most in the context of sex, and it makes me sad that i always bound and hid them from my girlfriends rather than allow my whole body to be loved and seen as acceptable. Even though im happier about my chest now than i was pre surgery, i wish it had just been a reduction, scars (even of the size i have now) wouldnt be nearly as painful a reminder than the (almost, there's still like, a little more breast tissue than a bio male with my body weight/muscle/fat ratio would have? ) complete lack of tissue.

There are things im happy about, and i was actually a bit sad to notice my body hair has gotten lighter and that my clitoris is not as sensitive or quite as "full"/big as it was on T, because im still really happy about those changes, they've both made me feel MORE comfortable as a woman and in my body.

I dont think id dislike my voice as much if people, particularly (or perhaps exclusively?) other women, still recognised me as a woman with it. Its not a bad voice, its just not really mine, and its not a voice i can freely use without thought or consequence. my voice was already quite deep, especially if i wanted it to be, so it would have been better as it was.

There's still a lot that i dont know where i stand, and since ive always been unsure of who i am and shit, and since ive been so certain in things i was wrong about, its hard to commit, its scary. Both permanent changes and coming out again are very distant, both because i need time and because it takes time to get help again.

But all of this is making me struggle with femininity, it makes it easier to pass, and in turn not be reminded of the whole ordeal, although it also makes me more focused on it, which is probably gonna turn out just as harmful as when i was focusing on the opposite in my original transition.

I dont want to buy into exploitative and objectifying behavioirs, but i feel very very isolated and alienated from other women, something ive felt since i was very, very small, but this is different.

Feeling alienated as a kid was rough, and i desperately clung to what was expected of me, trying to fit in, trying to make myself "right", and ofcourse it was painful, but it was more internal than external.

During my trans-identified years, the alienation became explainable, and being alienated from other girls and women felt like a given, ofcourse thats how it was supposed to be since i was a boy! And i didnt feel trult alienated from boys until i was in my late teens and early 20s living stealth, and suddenly i had to pretend to be someone else in order to fit in. there was a huge difference between being the tomboy friend and actually being "one of the boys". You hear and see very different things when they dont think there's any girls or women around.

But after realising i neither could nor wanted to fit in with men, i gradually realised i was no longer just feeling alienated from other women, but i actually was. Its hard to connect with other women, make friends or exist in female spaces when you're no longer seen as a woman if you open your mouth, and i know thats nothing that overt femininity would change, but i honestly dont know how else to "compensate".

Meeting other detrans women has been wonderful, and i definitely wish i knew more gnc and butch women, but i just cant seem to find any in real life, ive yet to find any real women's spaces that arent "for women and anyone who doesnt identify as a cis-man :)".

I dont want to have to be feminine to be seen as a woman, i dont want to reinforce to myself or others that womanhood=femininity, i dont want to reinforce or portray detransition as meaning becoming genderconforming or like "accepting" and falling into stereotypes or "becoming a REAL woman" through femininity and gender roles. I dont want that, but i dont know how to balance what i want for myself with what would make my own existence less painful and what i think is "right".

I want to be able to be a visbly gender non conforming WOMAN rather than being seen as a gender conforming man, but being a gender conforming woman often makes ne appear and sometimes feel more like a gender non conforming man anyway. I dont know how to balance it all, and im torn between wanting to be a boghag and wanting to perform excessive femininity.

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for being a Winged Mutant

Warren Worthington III x reader

warnings: drinking mention

a/n: thank you lovely! 💖

prompt: @writerdream22: “Hi, I hope you're doing ok! Could I request an X-men headcanon with the reader being a winged mutant who's always left out by the other students (because she looks kind of scary to them) , but when Warren came to the school the two became very good friends (with some romantic and funny interactions between them)? Thank you very much in advance ✨❤️”

you were sort of the school outcast

although all mutants were welcome in professor xavier’s school, not all were treated kindly

your mutation gave you wings

huge, heavy wings

wings that your classmates bullied you over, you often heard variations of “ugly” when they were described

“their wings are hideous! y/n got stuck with gross bat wings”

“bat? no, more like demon”

they may have been a bit more frightened by the sight of your wings than anything

it took some time to be able to brush off your comments

and understand that you weren’t going to make many friends

most people stared, but averted their gaze once they realized you were looking right back at them

your wings got in the way in classrooms, so you were always sitting in the back

“professor, may i use the restroom?”

“not now, y/n, you’ll disrupt my class”

even wanting to be some sort of help through the x-men’s fights

you swore that your power of flight would be beneficial to the team, but jean and scott told you that you’d be better off helping with clean up

“oh, of course. i have to stay here while they go off and fight the big bad guys. i see how it is, they dont need me, huh?”

“who are you talking to, y/n”

“not you, mind your business”

awaiting the x-men’s return while you sorted through the rubble of the school

there wasn’t much to find there

flying overhead to make sure everyone was safe (and there was no more agents on the property)

once the x-men were back, you noticed a few new faces

one really stood out, not his face, but his wings

they were...metal?

blades, actually

now those scared your classmates

he took notice of you early on, as well

“your wings are beautiful, deary”

“really?”

when he heard your tone, he knew that you had been treated wrongly

“i’m warren, they call—called me angel. and you are?”

“y/n...they call me a walking nightmare”

“that’ll change”

you and warren ended up clicking, something the professor was very proud of

he already felt so guilty that you were all alone

warren and you got into all sorts of mischief

“bet i can fly higher”

“oh ho ho, i’d like to see you try!”

you and him snuck out and flew as high as you could go

he let you win, he liked how upbeat you got after a win

“y/n, you know you look amazing while you fly?”

“don’t start with me, worthington!”

“i’ve already started, why don’t we finish?”

sometimes you’d observe the blades that made his wings

“theyre so...interesting. are they heavy?”

“i’ve gotten used to ‘em. they used to look like the wings of an angel, thats where my old nickname was from”

“these one’s are so unique”

you guys each got bigger beds in your room bc your wings take up so much room

sometimes on off days you climb on top of warren and cuddle

he has a super thick and fuzzy blanket he drapes over his wings so you’re not laying on straight up metal

“comfy?”

“mhmm”

“that can change”

“warren!”

listening to music together, he really liked rock and roll (literally the song he was listening to in XMA was The Four Horsemen by Metallica and i YELLED when i heard it)

and headbanging

“dizzy yet?”

“not a bit, why dont you join me?”

“im good, thanks”

you and warren would sneak onto the roof at night and share a bottle of booze while looking at the stars

“can i have the bottle back?”

“no way, it’s mine now!”

“y/nnn”

“gimme a lil peck right here and i’ll think about it”

he kissed you on the cheek and you gave it back

“was that so hard?”

“incredibly”

you kind of forgot about how everyone at the school treated you when you were with him

you subconsciously reached for his hand whenever you walked beside him

he was a bit confused when you started doing it, but now he loves it

and sometimes he grabs your hand first

everyone at the school thought you were dating

but you insisted you were just really good friends

“have a lovely day, y/n, i’ll see you later on today” *hand kiss*

you guys snuck out and flew around new york a few times

just for sightseeing purposes

charles had to lecture you two over itba few times

“you can’t go out like that, it’s too dangerous!”

*snickering*

everything just felt so much simpler with warren at your side

[arthurflecksgirl]

Imagine arguing with Arthur but you are in the same house ... silence all over the place bc you are both angry with each other but then... one of the two of you broke the silence ...

Hey Anon. Thank you so much for your request. I had to find out how Arthur would react to a situation like that and what reason he might have to get upset with you. I really hope you like the result.

The silence that filled apartment 8J was getting hard to bear.

There are different kind of silences.

This one wasnt the sweet kind when Arthur rested his head upon your lap right before he fell into a peaceful sleep.

It was a scary one that weighted on your shoulders and filled the room with sorrow. There was pain in every unspoken word between the two of you. In every breath that escpaed his lips. You couldnt hear him breathe in and out through the closed bedroom door. Which worried you. You got used to hear him breathe. Night and day. Arthur never left your side. Unless he was at work or used the bathroom. Ever since you were together he was with you. Arthur wasnt the type to lock a door behind him to shut you out.

"Arthur? Please! I`m worried about you. Are you okay?" you stood on the wrong side of the door, putting your ear against it, hoping to hear something. That aweful silence crawled under your skin, sending cold shivers down your spine. Why would he do that to you? How could he? He knew that you started to worry about him. Why wouldnt he answer?

"Arthur. Why aren`t you talking to me? This is not a joke anymore okay?"

You finally heard him move. It sounded like he was re arranging the bedsheets.

"Why would you lock the door? Why are you doing this to me?"

You couldnt help but imagin him passed out on the bedroom floor. What if he hurt himself? He had a history of self harm in the past.  Maybe you should just break that door open.

"Listen. I`m going to brak that door open if you dont talk to me, Arthur."

You heard him turning in bed again.

Nothing.

You got back to the living room with so much anger in your heart. Arthur`s silence hurt more than any word could.  He was aware how much it hurt to be ignored. Especially by the one you love the most. He knew how you felt right now but he just doesnt seemed to care. You never experienced him like that before and you didnt even knew why. If only you could understand why he locked himself up in the bedroom without saying a word. He was in there for the last two hours.

Your eyes focused on the tv screen as you sat down on the couch. The Murray Franklin show aired live and he didnt even left the bedroom.

"The Murray Franklin show is on" you yelled through the apartment but nothing could make him come up to you. A tear fell from your eyelids as Murray made his first joke. Arthur would have loved this one. And he just missed it. Because he didnt wanted to sit down beside you. He prefered to be alone.

ALONE.

Being alone was his worsed nightmare and he prefered it over being with you on the couch right now.

Just thinking of that made your heart hurt in your chest. What happened?

You hugged his old pillow which was soaked with tears after five minutes of pressing it against your face. It smelled like him. But you didnt only wanted to smell his pillow. You wanted to smell the crook of his neck. His curls. Arthur was just some feets away from you, but with that closed door and that aweful silence it felt like lightyears away.

That was it. You coudnt stand it anymore. You got up and knocked at the bedroom door. No reaction. You tried to think of something that would make him laugh. Maybe that was a way to get through to him. Humor usually broke the ice. Especially with him.

"Knock, knock" you said, waiting for an answer.

"Yeah right. " he broke the silence "Make a damn joke out of me. "

His words hit you like a gunshot.

"Arthur....what?"

"You heard me. You always do. You always listen, right? Always observing". His voice sounded different. Hurt. Cold even.

"Arthur....what are you taking about?"

"Its okay" he yelled at the door "I`m used to be the clown. Or the freak. Its old news".

You wiped another tear away, looking at the door that seperated you from him.

"Darling, please. Please open that door for me. I dont know what you are talking about? I really need to see if you are okay. Maybe you are having another episode...Let me be there for you, please!"

Suddenly the door swang open. Arthur immeditely turned around without even looking at you, grabbed a cig and got back on the bed. His eyes focused on the ceiling while he started smoking.

You entered the room and took a look around. There was nothing suspicious. Just him in his underwear, lying on his back, taking a deep drag of his cigarette.

But there was something that was different. The look on his face. Like he lost hope. Like he stopped beliving.

You wanted to get up to him but your body froze.  There was something so hurtful in the air. So unfamilar. It cut you like a knife.

"Arthur?"

He closed his eyes and continued smoking.

"You are not a freak. "

He finally looked at you but not in the way you hoped for "Oh yeah? How else would you call a man who isnt able to tell whats real or not?" He threw something to your feet. Your diary. He read your diary.

"You stole my diary?"

Arthur chuckled. It wasnt an amused kind of chuckle. It was one out of desperation "Right. I stole it. Because thats what poor guys do. They all end up thieves. "

"You know what I mean!"

"Sure"

"So you read my diary?"

"Damn right I did" his shaky voice echoed through your veins.

"Thats not okay"

"Its not like you havent read my journal,too. "

"Yeah but with your permission!"

Arthur lit himself another cig "So you read my journal but you wont give me permission to read yours?..."

"No....thats....now what I meant...." you didnt even knew what to say anymore. It seemed like he got every word wrong.

Arthur shook his head "Why havent you told me?" all of the sudden his voice softened again.

"Told you what, Arthur?"

"That you don`t love me anymore?"

His words hurt more than anythign you`ve ever felt before. How could he even say that out loud?

"Wait...what? Artie? What?"

Arthur put the half smoked cig in his pink ashtray, his eyes filled with sorrow as you got up to him and placed your diary on the bed.

"How could you ever think I dont love you anmore? I love you more than anything in this fucked up world!"

Arthur took your diary and searched through the pages. His muscles twitched as he stopped at a certain page. He pointed his fingers to one sentence and read it out loud "Sometimes he looks at me like I am one of his hallucination..." he closed the diary and threw it on the floor.

You felt your eyes watering again. Thats whay he wasnt talking to you for hours.

"You wrote this, right?"

"Arthur...."

"So thats it. You dont love me anymore. I am just a crazy man to you. Just like I am for anyone else. "

Your hand touched his cheek, but he turned his face away. This hurt so deeply.

"You are not a crazy man to me. You are my life. My world. I love you to death, Arthur. You got this sentence totally wrong. I didnt meant that in a bad way. "

Arthur avoided to look at you "You think I cant tell reality and dreams apart? Okay.....sometimes I cant...but....how could you ever think that I dont know that you are real? You are the realest person ever to me. The only realness I have ever had in my fucking life. The only thing I have to hold on to. The only one I trust in. The only person that made me feel real. You made me real. I felt how real I am through your love. I finally knew I existed. And you just go and tell your diary that I am looking at you like you were a damn hallucination of mine. This hurt. Do you have any idea how much you hurt me with that?"

Arthur pulled the blanket up his chin, trying to disappear from your sight as you noticed a tear running down his sad eyed face.

You cried,too. Harder now. You coudlnt even see him clerly through the tears as you pulled him close to you, hugging the blanket in which he was wrapped up in.

"Darling. I am so sorry you felt this way about what I wrote in my diary. I dont know what to say....I am so shocked that you got this the wrong way. I never wanted to hurt you. I never thought of you as crazy. I never thought you think I am not real. I love you. God, I love you so damn much it hurts."

Arthur swallowed hard "But why did you wrote that?"

You got up to get the diary "Have you read any further? "

He shook his head "I stopped at that point. It hurt too much".

You searched for the page and handed it to him "Please continue reading, so you understand what I wanted to say".

Arthur sat up and looked at you. You have never seen him sadder ever before. The dark rings under his eyes grew any minute.

"Sometimes he looks at me like I am one of his hallucinations. ....

Like I am the girl he always dreamed about, he always longed for.

His dream that became true.

And this is how I feel when he touches me.

Like I am all he needs.

And this alone fulfills me.

This alone makes me feel like I found my place in the world.

In his arms.

If only he knew he was my dream all along, too.

I just didnt knew it before I met him."

Arthur pressed the diray close to his chest.

There was silence again.

None of you said a single word.

There was no need for it.

There was only your arms that opened up for him to crawl into.

And this other kind of silence.

The sweet kind.

The one where he puts his head in your lap, right before he falls into a peaceful sleep.