#i have to leave for work in like half an hour and im so fucked up rn
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im being so so brave but also i am gripping you by the shoulders and leaning in and letting you know i am so tired of being brave
#my job has invented new and even more agonizing ways to make itself stressful to endure#and that isn't even counting the fact that i've now seriously fucked up my wrist transporting 30lb boxes up and down stairs#or the fact that i occasionally get piercing shoulder pains if i'm not super careful about how i use the hand truck#or the fact that whenever i come home on mondays my entire lower body is so sore that i can't move beyond a weak shuffle#it's the fact that my boss has no sense of organization#so my supervisor and i are basically salvaging or starting from scratch every week#it's the fact that some of our clients are asking for things we're not even contracted to provide#like access to our company materials or additional resources outside of our scheduled bookings#and that there's this constant looming threat of 'ohhh don't be bad at your job!! or else we'll lose our contract with these people!!'#but 'bad at your job' in this case means 'not bending over backwards to accommodate the least accommodating circumstances possible'#like 'hey you need to lead this training exercise meant for 20 people except actually you only have 4 people'#'and actually none of them are familiar with the prerequisites for this training or have any experience with the skills'#'and also none of them want to be there and half of them just Don't Do These Things as a rule'#'and if you try to make them do anything they don't want to do (even if it's literally the point of the training) they Will leave'#'and then we will no longer have enough clients to pay you'#like. what am i doing. this company was not designed to work with this format. we're not an arts and crafts group or a club meeting#hi so i wrote this post before starting weekend work prep#it has been 3 hours now#im still not done#i haven't eaten and my wrist hurts so bad#i need to.................. take a break................................
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When I'm closing out at work and I've had a shitty day I blast MCR on the radio speakers. The louder it is the worse of a day I had 🙂
#jane journals#not self ship#vent#negative#BUDDY IT WAS PRETTY FUCKIN LOUD TONIGHT#zombie by the cranberries came on and i tried to sing it as loud as i could to relieve some tension ajfkgkg#but mannnn tonight suuuucked 😭#ok the way closing works ofc is we're slower in the late afternoon so i have time to get a head start on cleaning and stuff#but a BUNCH of old people came in and ordered a bunch of shit and we had steady people from that point on#not to mention some regulars coming in 10 MINUTES BEFORE CLOSING#i was SO BEHIND on the cleaning and i didn't lock those doors till 8!! im supposed to/usually leave at 7:20-7:30#i guess half an hour doesnt seem like a lot but god it fucking felt like it#especially cause its ALL cleaning. sweeping and mopping and dishes and trash bags and vacuuming and then counting out the drawer 😮💨😮💨#honestly........sportacus helped me thru it 👉👈 again#its no wonder his actor was a motivational speaker ajfjgkg it was effective#and now im omw home!!#gonna have chicken and salad for dindin#and watch some lazytown ☺️☺️
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it's my day fucking off dont bring your child over and expect me to interact with them and ALLOW THEM INTO MY ROOM. fuck all the way off.
#literally allowing them to just stand outside my door instead of making the kid go do kid things#im not going to interact with them. leave me the fuck alonnnne#i was trying to take a fucking nap and watch sims videos#i did somewhat interact yesterday bc i was cooking and it was inescapable.#i went to my room and shut and locked the door.#do not send them fucking after me because you do not want to interact with them#i am not your babysitter.#again. it is my day off.#i deal with snot nosed kids every day.#and ust from the brief interaction i had yesterday i can feel myself getting sick.#so yay#wonderful.#anway it's been like 10 minutes and the kid is still standing outside my shut and locked door.#these people do this all the fucking time. theyll encourage the kid to yell my name and try to coax me out of my room#for literally half an hour#and i literally never come out.#because it annoys me so fucking much.#if i want to interact with your kid i will interact with them. i do not want to. and you doing this is just getting the kids hopes up f no#reason. literally none.#at what point in my entire life have i ever said 'hey 5 year old kid i barely know; come up to my messy room with my sex toys#and drugs out in the open with absolutely nothing for you to do!!! doesnt that sound like fun?'#again; leave. me. alone.#breeders are so insanely entitled. just bc i work with kids doesnt mean i want to deal with your kid.#i can barely tolerate kids when im paid to deal with them.#im not sacrificing my FREE TIME ON A SUNDAY MORNING to interact with a child. again; that i barely know.
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#bro why is everyone growing up and away and trying to figure out their lives and careers and loves#and im just sitting here missing them?#like sure im trying to figure out mine too we're all that age so I don't resent them for it#but why don't they miss me? why don't they feel empty when they haven't talked to me in a long time?#like. didn't they feel very light and happy after talking to me like i did with them don't they have a bad day and think that oh ill#talk to me and it will all feel okay even if it isn't just for a minute?#oh ny god i feel so pathetic asking this but like why am i suddenly crying now???#like my bestf. she's so busy in her new internship in mumbai that she can't be bothered to text me back#a simple yes no question for days. like i understand you have cool new office and work and friends and your stupid fucking ex#that you couldn't stop crying about to me living in that city with you but what about me? what about us?? what about you saying#that you're my first bestfriend i haven't told this to anyone else this is forever everyone else judges me but you're the best#like i just feel like if you're going to leave me then don't fucking say shit like that to me??#okay oh my god this is so irrational but i literally can't stop crying and it's definitely pms like i checked#she's not even leaving she's just suddenly busy and adjusting it's only been like a month#but i hate this stupid fucking knife like fear that as soon as someone is a little busy or seems like they're pulling away a little my#brain is like okay they hate me they're going to leave me so pack your bags we're leaving first#like i know a better solution would be to just tell her that hey dude i fucking miss you and i saw this show and remember how you used to#love peter kavinsky because he was adorable and i want to sit and watch it with you and just why aren't we back in school#where we are basically forced to hang out for like 7 hours because im so sick of only seeing you like once in 2 months for a few hours#like i know it's not your fault and we're just growing up and in different directions but just please like five more minutes can you stay#i don't even have the confidence to say anything to her lol she's my only friend like if even she gets mad and leaves#but i know that's not how healthy relationships work. and ugh my sister is so fucking far away i can feel it everyday#in the 5 and a half hour time difference. i hate this i hate everyone everyone has to go so far away#i hate living in this empty fucking house and being responsible for my own emotions fuck this isse accha toh living with dad hi hai#atleast when im there there are only 2 emotions anxiety and boredom. now i have a whole house to myself to cry whenever I need#for however long i need in a locked room. really looking forward to adulting haha i can see just see myself succeeding so well🙄#man this is crazy im gonna go do jumping jacks or something so this comes and goes faster#umm#dni
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do not look at this i’m just gonna be throwing a fit in the tags and i need to feel like its going somewhere
#look. i love my roommate. p much my best friend. i am also this close to fucking killing them dead#the way they live. stresses me out#like i work 40 hours a week. 4 10 hour days. in the medical field#she works like… 16 hours a week. 4 4 hour days. basically babysitting#doing crafts and watching children in an after school program#so tell me why the fuck i’m doing like 95% of the work around the apartment#and shes stressing me out rn in particular cause the hours she works are like. 2-6 pm#and when i’m off work i dont see her wake up/come out of her room until like 1#but the thing is. is that instead of doing things she needs to do before going to work#shes decided to do her laundry after she gets home#so its 10pm and im trying to go to bed so i can go to work in the morning#but im just listening to the fucking washing machine which is on the other side of the wall from my head :)#bestie :) do you have thoughts :) in your head :) ever#and she barely does her dishes she never takes out the trash#she leaves food in the fridge and pantry for way too long and instead of eating stuff she has she just buys more stuff#shes so messy her shit is everywhere and shes like boarderline a hoarder actually#girl you have enough stuff. its time to stop i think#she does not think before she buys anything#she loves vintage/antique things#and she basically just sees something and goes ‘i like that’ and buys it#without thinking if she actually needs it or is gonna use it#i swear 90% of the time shes forgotten that she bought anything by the next day#its just abandoned somewhere among her stuff#im like girl. im begging you to try and get a normal sleep schedule so you can be up and doing adult things during the day#bc i pay for half this apartment and im about to bite you#and she doesnt seem to understand why i want to sleep at night#it like. confuses her#she tries to get me to watch like three movies in a row with her after work and when im like okay i need to go to bed she actually like#pouts at me#and ik from experience if i dont sleep enough i get really mean and dysfunctional. so
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hour and a half unpaid overtime I think that's a new record for me. on a day where I was supposed to have no overtime no less. funny how I only have 3 of those this month and the 2 so far I've had to work overtime anyway 👍
#i shouldve left at 4:15. killing myself at work in front of everyone#well im actually not that mad ive been listening to yhe national on loop for the last 6 hours of my shift nothing can touch me#but the disrespect....#my boss came n found me at 4pm and was like hey can u do another round of this assay (<- takes an hour and a half)#and i said no!!!! bc she already gave me too much shit to do i was busy ALL DAY and still ran over like how tf do u expect me to fit MORE#she gave me 1.5 hours to do 14 samples in this one assay where each one takes 15 mins plus 5 mins prep per sample beforehand#so like 20 mins per sample THATS 4 HOURS AND 40 MINUTES and thats assuming no repeats and no troubleshooting!!!#3x the time u scheduled for me... come tf on. i need to make a table of how to calculate how long an assay takes so she stops doing this#rly not that hard just ask me how long i need for it and ill explain it to u#and then i finished up n emailed results n went to go switch lights off in the other lab and shed left samples out for me to book in. GIRL#PLEASE EMAIL ME OR TEAMS ME DONT JUST LEAVE THEM THERE.. u know im working in the main lab ALL DAY#so im not gonna fucking see them!!!! and they need to be refrigerated!!!! next time ill just leave them out overnight and when shes like#why are these samples ruined jts expensive to get more ill be like well u didnt tell me to book them in so.#anyway she moved the other assay to friday n she was annoyed i didnt fit it in earlier but WHERE. WHERE WAS I MEANT TO FIT IT IN!!#also i have 2 separate multi hour assays booked friday already so good luck im out of the door at 4:15 if its not done its not done idc#ughhhh. if the bus is late too im going back to my work and blowing the building up#WHAT. EVER!!!!!!!#.diaries
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Sometimes I really hate English exams because I find it so hard to put my thoughts and feelings into words like I have these great ideas and i understand but I can’t relay them and it makes me angry or upset which only makes it harder to do the exam cause I’m not thinking clearly
#I have one tomorrow#for like two and a half hours give or take#can’t wait!#I also missed the classes where they taught us one of the poems and also how to answer questions correctly#so I’m having to reteach that to myself during some personal issues#oh and also I have TWO WEEKS OF EXAMS#OUT OF NO WHERE#I’m failing science im well on my way to failing maths#I have to do further maths because my parents and teacher won’t let me move down to a more comfortable set because ‘I can do it’#even though I find it hard to even show up to maths class these days#if I moved down I’d be sat with my friends and a teacher I know and trust#and the work would be less stressful#I’d still be able to do higher!!!#I just wouldn’t have to do further maths!’#now I’m on study leave meaning I have to monitor my own study#through all of this shit#mind you we haven’t studied ANYTHING for my dt exam because we’ve been focussed on coursework#so I have to reteach all of that to myself instead#I’m gonna give up one of these days#also Christmas is gonna be shit this year for reasons#and I won’t be able to catch a fucking break until like halfway through January maybe#even then I’m just closer to my real exams#and that’s worse#I swear to fucking god I’m moving down in maths if it kills me#I’m just done#I’m so done#I can’t go five seconds without crying#I miss my friends#I miss normal#reached the tag limit woah I didn’t know that existed
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Oh I IMMENSELY fucked up this morning now I'm gonna be almost an hour late to work 😭
#i found out like 10pm last night the car rego expired so id have to make my own way#shift starts at 8. takes about an hour to get there. i checked transport times#tired brain somehow fucks up and ig sets 8 as the 'leave at' instead of 'arrive at' time#i think ok awesome i will take this bus at 8:06 that will get me there 8:47 a whole 13 min early....m#i guess i was also mixed up bc i take that bus in the morning to school at a bit after 8#first thing this morning i got up and got pancake batter and half asleep and glasses-less i dropped an egg on the floor#but anyway i left with my tea and my pancakes and my wits intact....#until i looked down at 7:58 and thought WAIT WHAT THE FUCK I START IN TWO MINUTES WHAT#so i ran. slowed. called my store. thankfully the manager on is really nice but idk if i clearly communicated the scope of my lateness#i just said id be 'pretty late' and he said its alright buddy take your time#god im glad i got him hes a really nice manager very chill#but AHHH MY GOD HOW DID I MESS UP TIMES THIS BAD#I LEFT AT 7:56 INSTEAD OF BEFORE 7!!!! JESUS CHRIST!!!#anyway my bus got me to the station now im waiting for my train. it should be fine-ish but manbhhdhdhehfhf my god#idk if ill work 50min less or stay back an extra 50#but avdhdvhehfhfdbhdhd DUDE IM SO PISSED AT MYSELF#oscar.exe
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im punching and punching and punching my anxiety today
#[static]#man i need a new job but im gonna try my best to stick it out for the next year and a half so that im 'vested' -#- or whatever its called for my little tiny 401k money lmao#im starting to get anxiety about work on my days off more than usual#they just changed it from 5 years to 6 years fjgkdlghd#and im nearly at 5 years#also i think im gonna try and stick it out with the full time up until October and i'm going back to 4 days a week for my sanity#and also theyve been cracking down on ppl missing work and the winter time i have to call out a couple times a month for snow#they used to be understanding about it but it sounds like they arent anymore :)#in one breath they'll be like 'yeah it's no worries we work at a grocery store who cares! we're stacking cans this isn't life or death'#but the moment you gotta leave early due to snow so you can actually make it home in one piece they get butthurt lmao#mind you I have put my car in a ditch BECAUSE of work doing this to me and i ended up missing a week + covering repairs because of it#like ... would you rather i go home 2 hours early or miss 4-6 days of work and be in debt :)#and the answer is the 2nd one for them lmao i fucking hate them
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oughhhh new boss hasn't even fully taken over yet but she seems so incompetent 😬
#also has no respect for anyone else including some of the lovely old ladies who have worked here 30 years#disrespected my mentor :(#also wants me an my other co teacher to come back to work some day(s) in the next few weeks to work unpaid overtime#just to set up the classroom the way she wants....#which is traditionally the lead teacher's job to do if she chooses#i think she's genuinely so delulu that she thinks it's gonna be fun girls night bonding time or something#like girl i am not coming back after hours to work for free lol#anyway every change she has tried was catastrophic today but she wouldnt even admit that most of them don't work 🤡#then she left at 3pm for me to deal w closing while the kids lost thier marbles bc she fucked up naptime then didn't let us keep them down#so they literally got a half nap today but she didnt care bc she was off in an hour anyway#ugh#she's gonna be insufferable i know it 😖#my co teacher was begging our current supervisor who hasnt fully left yet for advice on saying no to the unpaid overtime#im so sad she's leaving fr 😭#she doesn't even want to go but management is evil and dumb and moved her to pre k bc another teacher lied abt her :(#i got her a nice care package tho#i was going to wait for the new boss to be off shift and go home before giving it to my current one at end of day tomorrow (her last day)#bc i didnt want her to feel unwelcome or weird or anything#but i don't care now actually 😂#i want her to know we love sarah and are going to miss her#and she has to live up to that#bc currently she's uh...not lol
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...
#the closer i get to moving the more i dont wanna do annnnnnything#i just wanna pack everything and then leave. ive packed half my stuff. tsken down all my posters#but i still have like 10 days left ugh. time needs to move faster 😩#i dont wanna work tho bleh. and i fucking agreed to do some extra stuff#so now i have to fucking get all my data together. analyze a million pictures with this weird software and upload a million pics from like#at least 2 or 3 past projects. and i have to name those. except i dont want to name them all fuck that#i am not going to have time. it will take literally days. get a fucking undergrad to do it i have better things to do with my time#ugh. im just mad bc its hot and my joints r swollen and my abductor is irritated so i have to take it easy#fuck that. i hate it. bleh i wanna draw. but there r other things i should do#im such a slacker now. and by slacker i mean im working normal hours and goofing off the rest of the time#and by goofing off i mean drawing and packing and reading#god. when the semester starts its gonna b insane bc theres no way ill b done with work stuff so ill have to start my phd while double timin#on paper writing. its gonna fucking suck. which is y i shoulf b working rn so i dont have to do that so much#but again. i dont wanna work. i just wanna lay here and track my heart palpitations. its fine. im just in transition which is really#fucking annoying >:-(#unrelated#also i wanna rewatch p4cific rim but its not on any of my streaming services anymore >:-(((
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hey why did my manager unprompted tell me and like 3 other coworkers a story about how he had his dog terrorize her girlfriend for three hours while he took a nap and she hid in the car afraid like it was a funny story to tell.
#i said i would never run after a guest. i dont run and he said i could make you run. i have a rottweiler.#and then launched into this story.#also once we were alone he stated talking about how he used to be a personal trainer and how once girls lost weight they had way too much#confidence and would tell men to leave them alone which he made sound like a crime of the highest order. and asked me again if i was a mom.#which would be like whatever if he hadnt mentioned multiple times how many times he had made specifically moms obsessed with him.#like to the point it was concerning to their mental state. and he just openly admitted this to me as if it were a funny thing that happens#to everyone.#i hate having to work with him when its just the two of us. unfortunately he makes the schedule so i cant even be like hey can we avoid tha#none of this on its own is really that deep its just all of it together... i get such a weird vibe from this guy.#and he keeps trying to set up outside of work events and im just like. i dont know how to tell you that i would rather kms.#like he wants us to fucking roadtrip to san antonio which is like. fucking 7 hours or something? i cant stand a fucking 6 hour shift#and youre not even there for half of that! i would end up trying to physically fight the guy if we were stuck in a car for that long#he is literally my only problem with this job at this point. like customers piss me off sometimes but theyll do that anywhere#he just. makes me deeply uncomfortable anytime were alone#prsnl
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I'm finally taking a fucking vacation from my job next week
#I've never gotten the chance to use my vacation time at work before quitting#but Im not currently able to leave where I work and I'll lose my PTO on my anniversary date (sept 13th)#so I decided to say fuck it an use ut the first week of September#wish I could have saved it for the second week since my birthday is September 15th but again my PTO gets reset the 13th#so this will have to do#I'm not going on an actual vacation this year. just planning various enjoyable activities and day trips throughout the week#Im hoping on the first day to attend a local flea market#and the next day or two to go swimming before the pool in my apartment complex closes for the year#I also plan to visit a historical town thats about a half hour away from where I live#and I'm definitely going to sleep in a lot of these days cause I need to catch up on some sleep finally#I'll probably draw on my less busy days#and maybe I can knock out a chapter or 2 of the story I've been writing#tbh luck is never with me so the chances of me actually getting to do half of this stuff is slim#but at least I can say I have plans#I'm gonna try n do this stuff even if I have to go alone#I hate waiting around for others so I can go out and have a good time#like yeah some of these activities are better with other people#but people often find excuses to get out of hanging out or going places. or they're busy with work#and I don't want to waste the 7 days Im gonna have off so Im gonna try n do something meaningful during them#the weather also will effect how my plans turn out. I bet it'll rain the entire week lol. that'd be my luck#but Im still gonna try and have a decent time off#at the absolute least I am going to relax and unwind. thats the bare minimum I can doo#sam's rants about life
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Therapist had to cancel bc she's having car troubles which sucks because I was really excited to talk about my top surgery coming up, but that means I have an extra hour or so to try desperately to catch up and not fail this math class
#personal#also im a little miffed bc i actually fucking remembered to fill out my adhd evaluation and bring it with me!!!!#do you know how fucking hard that is???? on account of the adhd!!!!#but also that means i dont need to go to two different starbuckses today#bc i was gonna leave this one and go to therapy and then go to the one in the town i work in for the like hour and a half gap between#and that means i can wear this shirt two days in a row bc im not gonna be seen by the same people#it's my 'i have to not be wearing a binder in public' shirt#bc its very big and baggy and also dark plaid flannel so it hides a lot of topographg#but i wont fucking need it in three weeks!!!!! three weeks from now this will just be a regular shirt!!!!!#and i wont need to wear flannel in 80° weather!!!!!
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i need a shower for like 12 tomorrow and i literally dont get up until like 1 usually i feel like when you meet a teenager and piss them off about waking up late except im the moody bitch fucking teenager and im quickly getting more and more pissed off and so you tell them to do something and then everyones just fuming and its just a really bad vibe
#please im so tired its midnight i should be asleep in bed and im so not gonna wake up before like 11#i need to live my old lady life why must i Leave ?? the House ???#please img onan cry i really dont wanna get a shower its so late i wanna go to BED i feel like a tired baby#i hope i DIE#i want to write about george daniel and do NOTHING else for the next three weeks#its TOO COLD literally why would you make me go out in this weather#it is ICY!!!!!!!!!!! i am not BUILT FOR THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i am built for spring-summer warmth and NOTHING else.#im gonna start crying#LET ME HIBERNATE#@ scientists can you make human hibernation a thing please please please please please i would give you ALL my money i promise#i dont wanna do anything in autumn and winter i just get depressed#i need to go and live in finland#im gonna cry#ok but... wait...#waitttt........#if i wake up at... 10... and then. no thats not ognna work#FUCK#wait okay no if i get up at half nine i have an hour and a half and that is Not enough for a shower but also it doesnt matter if im late#so basically i just have to wake up at half 9 and its all gonna be fine YES ! ok whatever im gonna do that and then i can juts sleep now#OKAY !#i also need someone to go to a concert with and im kinda mad about it now#blah blah!#not 75 stuff
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oh wow just saw flatmate messaged saying another friend passed smth on like oh okay. I didn't realise he went too u didn't say. in fact none of u said anything to me so that's great
#he lives hours away thats a lot of travel just for drinks#when she asked me she said it was her + one other person. going out for drinks in evening.#but clearly she took the day off work bc ghosts dont do laundry. so it was a whole day trip. so why tell me it was just drinks#unless she just wanted a good excuse for me not to come. okay 👍#i cant even make myself mad abt it like fair enough man. i get it.#and if last weekend is anything to go off she probably wont ask me at all in the future#well as long as they have fun it doesnt matter i guess. im tired of feeling like im just intruding in everyones lives#and everyone fucking lying like what u say doesnt line up with how u act i can tell its not real im not that fucking stupid#ive dealt with this so many times before average autistic experience im tired of naively believing ppl and then the rug being pulled#sorry for being the way i am and for wanting things and for trying to take up space i give up its not worth it anyway#at least this is giving me smth to feel shit abt instead of just formless malaise. makes it easier to deal with that way#anyway. just need to get my shit enough together to leave the house by 3 so i can pick up this stuff for work#and i can do most of my other chores tmr so thats fine#i hate how much fucking time i waste feeling awful. no wonder other ppl have time to watch n read n create n whatever so much more than me#half of my fucking life is spent in my head trying and failing to emotionally regulate im so so sick of it#i wish i never had to think a single thought again and maybe id be happy#jesus fucking christ. well i need to leave my room soon bc i need to pee im not depressed enough to piss in a bucket just yet#hope i never get to that stage again amen uni was pretty fucking dire#.vent#hate weekends so fucking much what a waste of free time
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