#i have to be prepared for every scenario no matter how unrealistic
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I love making up and acting out my silly little scenarios in my head. I know nobodyâs going to tell me on my birthday that as my present theyâll pay for my first appointment of gender-affirming healthcare, but I now know exactly how Iâd react if they did!
#for the last three or four years every time itâs near christmas or my birthday Iâve had daydreams that my parents will give me a present#that contains a piece of paper saying that they accept me as their son and support me in my transition#and will use the correct name and pronouns from here on out and not complain about it#trans yearning#transgender#lgbt#i have to be prepared for every scenario no matter how unrealistic#autism moment#autism#actually autistic#trans
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riptide (m) | k.sj. | (1/2)
one | two
pairing:Â kim seokjin x reader
rating:Â m (18+)
genre:Â angst | smut | established relationship!au
summary:Â It takes a foolishly trivial incident to unravel how astonishingly little you and Seokjin actually understand each other. It has you questioning your relationship, and him? Well, heâs questioning his whole life.
warnings:Â swearing + implied alcohol consumption + realistic relationship problems + mentions of insecurities, jealousy, complicated mental dispositions + emotional distress + sexual situations (unprotected penetrative sex, dirty talking, a bit of manhandling, fingering) + mentions of masturbation + a ton of miscommunication (refer to the summary smh)
word count: 12.3 k
note: itâs FINALLY done, yâall! came up to be a monster of 25k words, so i decided to split it into two. iâll drop the other part next week. this took a lot more time, energy and re-writing than iâd thought it would. i began writing this in january - itâs been five excruciating months! đŠ i really hope y'all will like this one~ đĽşđ
đ YOUTH â 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7
â masterlist
â feedback is always appreciated!
riptide (n) â a dangerous area of strongly moving water in the sea, where two or more currents meet.
Lady, running down to the riptide - Taken away to the dark side - I wanna be your left hand man.
The turn of events has been so fucking hilariously impossible that Seokjin has literally been rendered speechless. Which doesn't happen often, mind you. What can he do, he is just extremely wittyâhe always has something to say about everything, usually and preferably with impeccable comic timing. Especially when it comes to you.Â
This, though. This completely baffling scenario, right in front of him, has him gaping like a goldfish with no words to say.
"Final call, Jin. Gawk at me for five more seconds and I walk out of here," you threaten, an elegant arm poised at your waist and gorgeously plump lips pressed into a thin line. "Say something?"
And Seokjin still cannot formulate a single word, because what the actual fuck? How can you even think that he could everâÂ
"Alright." You catwalk out of his bedroom, leaving him blinking into space.
He jumps the next second, leaping after you. "Honey! How wouldâwhatâI can neverâwhy do I even have to sayâwill you wait? Youâre being so ridiculous, right now, I hope you know that!"
If he wasn't in such a fix, Seokjin would physically cringe at his speech. It was better when he was just gaping.
âHoney! Stop being so overdramatic, youâve known me and youâve known Jimin! For years! Stop acting like you seriously donât know what happened, here!â
You don't stop, though, gliding down the stairs and hopping over the haphazardly tossed items in the living room as you exit out of the house.
And then you're gone. You're really gone, over something so fucking ridiculous, that Seokjin still has no words to say.
All he knows is that his girlfriend of five years has finally gone crazy enough to jump to conclusions of such high magnitude of stupidity.
And, that Park Jimin is a dead man.
It all begins on an unsuspecting Sunday morning, when the entire house is smelling of weed, stale booze and some worse fluids.Â
Last night, Seokjin vacated his own bedroom for the boys to smoke up in at Jimin's request, because that is the only well ventilated room of the house. He spent the night in Yoongi's room with earplugs in, dead to all the chaos in the houseâas he often does on party nightsâto catch up on his beauty sleep. He cannot afford any unbecoming dark circles or, God forbid, breakouts.
And no, that's not a comedic moment, he really does need his face looking perfect this week for reasons outside of personal gratification too, because he has a shoot on Tuesday. He especially took a leave from his part-time job at the Mexican restaurant downtown where his girlfriend, you, work full-time, on a Tuesdayâsaying goodbye to all the amazing tips always forwarded to the cooks on Taco Tuesdayâfor this. Nothing would mess up his face.
Not to mention that one very important audition for a very gigantic project he's been looking forward to. They're yet to announce the date, but it would be this very month. He hasn't really told you much about it, planning a huge surprise for later whenâif, actually, but he prefers to be unrealistically optimistic in every situation possibleâhe bags the coveted position, at the end. He hasn't really decided upon much, other than a long drive and a picnic date to one of those grasslands on the city's outskirts that you love so much. Oh, and bringing up the prospect of moving in together in an apartment with just the two of you.Â
He's pretty certain you must not remember him raving about the opportunity, because it has been months since he did that. He then proceeded to be covert about all the mini auditions and trainings he underwent to prepare for the final audition, and he is confident you have not connected the dots.
But that is all a discussion for later â he doesn't even know when he would be auditioning.Â
The crux of the whole matter is that he needs to keep looking as flawless as he can until that audition happens.
So he has slept like a baby, last night, while the rest of his friends have partied, including two out of three of his housematesâHoseok and Jiminâalong with Taehyung and Taehyung's girl. Namjoon had foregone attendance in lieu of the Halloween party, next weekend, that he knows he would definitely be forced to attend because Hoseok is hosting. Yoongi, his third and final housemate, escaped the house altogether to spend a night of music-making with Jungkook in his dorm.
So, in the morning, when Seokjin is moving around his kitchen that seems to have been hit by a tornado, checking the fridge and mentally praying that his baggie of smoothie ingredients is still in good shapeâa scream echoes around the house.
Seokjin freezes. That sounded a lot likeâŚyou.
Immediately alert, he runs out of the kitchen and into the drawing room. Hoseok is hanging upside down on one of the couches, something that looks a lot like undigested white sauce pasta puddles on the ground, inches from his new, fiery red hair. Seokjin grimaces.
"Kim Seokjin!" your screech tears the silence.
Seokjin twists on his heels, looking up in the direction of his bedroom. It really is you. And you're in his bedroomâthe room he did not occupy last night.
God only knows what kind of a scene you have walked in on. He hopes these idiots didnât have an orgy up there, although he really canât put it past them.
Not waiting another second, Seokjin rushes up the stairs and pushes through the doors to his bedroom. His mouth falls open on an audible gasp.
You stand next to his bed, dressed up elegantly in a navy dress that ends above your kneesâwhich makes him wonder if you are here for an impromptu breakfast dateâwith one hand clutching his duvet that has uncovered what looks likeâŚ
âŚa head of long, dirty blonde hair.
Who the fuck?
In his bed?
"Hey, Honey!" Seokjin's voice is a squeak. "You⌠you here for a date?" he manages out of a suddenly parched throat.
You roll your eyes. "Uh huh. A fact you would've known if you looked at the texts I sent you last night." Your eyes are narrow at him. "This explains why you didn't, though. Busy night, Jin?"Â
He balks at your words, at a loss. How could you even think it was him, when you know all about Park Jimin and his escapades?!Â
Seokjin's blood boils. Fucking Jimin. There is going to be blood on Seokjinâs hands.Â
In the midst of it, the blonde head shifts.Â
Soon after, as you two watch, a pair of brown eyes with smudged makeup emerge from inside Seokjin's bedâand the audacity?! Thereâs makeup all over his covers! Jimin will pay for the dry cleaning. The face is followed by a whole, tiny woman of five-something feet who is, thankfully, covered in a shirt.
Seokjin is almost not breathing when the blonde starts to give him a dreamy smile, his gaze switching between her and you. And itâs extremely stupid, because he hasnât seen this woman before, ever, in his entire life. But he catches the way your arms fall to your sides and those elegant, dainty fingers of yours ball up into fists as you look at the blondieâs face.
Fortunately, the girl recognises him at last before her grin could turn fully dopey, and with a squeak, jumps out of the bed. âYouâre notâum. Hi. Sorry, I, uh. Iâll get going.â
And surprisingly, she does exactly that in less than a minute, leaving you to stare down at Seokjin.
âYou know, itâs really unbecoming for a girlfriend to keep finding girls in her boyfriendâs bed every other week and not be given an explanation, ever.â Your tone is teasing, but your eyes are taunting. âYou shouldnât always be so dismissive, you know? What if I start getting ideas? I donât think you even remember how to make up with your girlfriend, at this point, because I never fight.â
That is when Seokjin starts gawking. And literally doesnât stop until youâve left the house.
âI donât get it,â Jackson says, stuffing cold noodles into his mouth and chewing on them without closing it. âDo you think he cheated on you, or do you not think he cheated on you?â
You look at your best friend with your face twisted up in disgust. You swear to God you would never have agreed to make friends with this guy on your motherâs insistence when the Wang family moved in next doors to you, had you known heâd turn out to be such a barbarian a decade later. Twelve-year-old Jackson had been such a decent kidâstudious, elegant, well-mannered. What went wrong, along the way?
You exhale, shifting on your chair, very wary of any dried up fluids that you might come in contact with. âI know he did not cheat on me, Jax, the very notion is completely ridiculous.â
Jackson stops chewing and looks away from the WWE match playing on the TV to squint at you. âIâmâŚconfused? Wait. What is the problem, then? What are you mad at him for?â
To be completely honest, you arenât quite certain yourself.
But you do know that you donât feel good. And that this feeling has been building up over a couple months, but you have only really acknowledged it head-on, today, in all five-something years of your relationship. Five years, seven months and eight days, to be exact, but thatâs kinda besides the point.
Youâve had at least a few monthsâ worth of buildup that has gotten you to this point, you would admit. Especially after Seokjin had to cancel that visit to your hometown at the end of June, for your parentsâ thirty-fifth wedding anniversary celebration because he had an important audition for a big-brand ad film. The cancellation was acceptable, but his offhand comment that, âthirty-five isnât even that special, weâll get them a huge gift for their fiftieth,â stayed with you longer than it shouldâve. Things got okay-ish when you reminded yourself how Seokjin never really thought too hard about things he said, always being a humorous, unattached clown in every situation. But this morning's dismissal has pushed you over that edge. You straightaway goaded him, claiming he doesnât remember how to make it up to you, and all you got in response was his shock and being called âridiculousâ and âoverdramatic.â Fun.
You were most certainly joking, if a bit caustically, when you said what you did. He could have taken it as a joke and laughed it off. He could have taken it as a threat and comforted you, said it was Jimin that used his room, and maybe kissed you. You already knew what had happened when you saw the girl, anyway. But this was probably the third time this situation had happened, this month.Â
Sure, you are understanding and really do know Jimin and what all he gets up to, but is that really supposed to be such a given? Asking your boyfriend to hug you close and kiss your forehead when you discover a girl in his bed just as you were about to cuddle the lump of sheets thinking it was him, is not too much to expect, is it?
Granted, Seokjin has never been extremely expressive, but still. It feels like heâs consciously trying to keep you at a distance, these past few months.
You donât have the complete grasp of the storm of thoughts in your head yet, but you want to try and explain it to Jackson the best you can.Â
âIt was about respect, in a way, I guess,â you quietly mumble, and Jackson turns the TV off, now sitting cross legged on the couch to face your chair. He puts away his takeout container to frown at you, probably gleaning how serious this is for you. âHe stood there, without saying a single word, expecting me to stop being mad. Almost willing me to stop being mad by making these big, incredulous eyes at me. Like it was that horrible of his girlfriend to demand for an explanation when she found a girl in his bedroom. It was just the two of us, I wasnât making a scene in front of anybody. He justâugh! He couldâve simply asked me to not be mad, said it was Jimin who spent the night in the room and maybe even laughed about it, or plotted Jiminâs murderâI wouldâve joined inâbut no. He acted like I was being stupid, told me not be ridiculous and dramatic. And that made me feel really stupid.â
Jackson winces. âAnd why do you think you were not being stupid?â
You exhale. âI wasnât. Because I wasnât actually accusing him of anything, and five years down the lane, he should know that now. I just wanted him to say it and not scold me when I tease-taunted him. He always expects me to know everything. And even though I always do, it gets tiring sometimes. These weird thoughts get to you â that maybe youâre being too understanding and heâs using that to his advantage, you know?â You look down at your lap, playing with your nails. âItâs justâŚum. I wanted him to coddle me, I guess. To treat this as something big because I was throwing a tantrum about it and, just, I donât knowâtry to cajole me? Assuage me with his words, maybe? But he didnât. Because he hasnât done that in forever. Because I never need him to, because I always freaking understand everything!â A sob leaves you.
Jackson pats the place next to him. âCâmere, you dumdum, and stop hyperventilating,â he mumbles, hugging you to his side when you move to sit on the couch. âI donât exactly understand how the relationship dynamics work, but from what you told me, I get that you wanted attention? Some loving? And instead you got disappointed looks because Jin expected you to be mature and rational about it â the way you always are â and that too with his fucking eyes and some low-key insult words? Is it something like that?â
Wow, Jackson really paraphrased all that amazingly. âYes, actually. Itâs exactly that.â
Jackson sighs. âYâall have been together a long time, babe, so I guess itâs kind of a given that youâd get to a no-bullshit point. Which is why he hasnât done that in forever, because yâall probably donât need that kinda stuff between you anymore.â
âI get that, itâs how a relationship matures. But Iâm pretty certain that itâs not supposed to make me feel like this,â you sound slightly muffled, having stuffed your face into Jacksonâs hoodie-covered chest. âI feelâI feel like we got too comfortable and now heâs just started to take me for granted. And I also feel like Iâm being too needy. Am I being needy and annoying? Heâd hate me if I told him all this, wonât he? Half of the reason weâve worked out so well is because weâre both career oriented and donât waste time overthinking stupid shit.â You gasp. âOh, noâwould he leave me? Heâs used to his girlfriend being mature, not needyââ
You are cut off when Jackson pulls you away by your shoulders, giving you a serious look. âWait, wait, stop. What did you say? Not the needy part, youâre allowed to be needy once in all the damn three-sixty-five days yâall stay busy for. TheâŚtaking you for granted part. Pretty big of a thing to say, babe.â
You sigh. âWe havenât been on an actual date in months. Seokjin thinks thereâs no need for that extra effort when we spend lunch breaks at work together, everyday. Outside of the restaurant, our meetings involve our entire flock of friends by default. Itâs been three months since we slept together.â You sniff, hating having to impart such a private detail of your life. âSo no, I donât think itâs that big of a thing to say, at all.â
âWow.â Jackson gives a slow whistle. âYouâve really been bottling up a lot in there, huh?â
You shrug. âI guess. It never made me feel underappreciated, though. Sure, I was irritated at some occasions and disappointed at others, but⌠Today I feel horrible, Jax.â
âDid you share anything with Byulyi?â he asks, referring to your flatmate and good friend since college.
You shake your head. âShe already has a lot on her plate, right now. She got rejected by the photographer she wanted to intern with, so itâs back to freelancing for her.â
âYeah, that must suck.â Jackson grimaces. Then he looks at you. âYou need to take a break, hun. Sit back, today, and have tacos and beer with me. Reset your inner thoughts. Talk to Jin tomorrow. Although, I must say, itâs kinda depressing that you have to actually tell your boyfriend that heâs being a bad boyfriend. Isnât that kind of shit supposed to be realized on your own?â
You purse your lips. âI guess, yeah. ButâŚdonât say that heâs being a bad boyfriend, Jax. I donât think he even realizes something is wrong.â
âAnd thatâŚdoesnât make it worse?â At your raised eyebrows, he concedes with a roll of his eyes. âFine, fine, in any case â maybe try to hint at it before you dive straight in with the kill? See if he reacts?â
âI donât know, Jax. What if he doesnât? Heâs really not the best at taking hints and reading signs, or that kind of subtle stuff.â
âThen you can just say your shit. All Iâm saying is, give him a chance to figure it out on his own. Heâs probably really clueless why you reacted so big on something so small, this morning. If you drop hints, maybe heâll feel it out.â
You nod, somewhat amazed at how sound Jacksonâs advice seems. âHow are you doing this, Jax? Being a love guru all of a sudden?â
Jackson scoffs. âIâm just tryna put myself in Seokjinâs shoes. If I was in the situation heâs in, this is what Iâd like to happen â be given a window to figure out whatâs wrong. Youâve been together a long time, hun. It really shouldnât be that difficult for him.â
You shrug a shoulder. âI wonât be too sure about that. Why does it even matter if he can or cannot, though?â
Jackson seems to be mulling over something before he drops his chin to his chest. âBecause youâre supposed to be partners, hun. If you can tell whatâs up with him with a single glance, why can't he? Not being good at taking signs is not a good enough excuse. My gut says that heâd be able to, though. And that knowledge will make you feel infinitely better, trust me. Itâll be reassuring to learn that he really knows and understands you well, wonât it?â
You nod, slowly, but you still have your suspicions. Seokjin has just been the kind of guy whose emotional depth goes to a certain extent and then just â well, stops. There are things that he feels and realizes and sees, and there are things that he doesnât. It isnât even something he does, you believe. Itâs just how he is. Certain feelings just donât fall in his orbit. And youâve never found there to be anything wrong with it when heâs been an immaculately amazing boyfriend and tended to every single one of your needs, always. Well, you have never actually needed emotional consoling, too, so you havenât had the chance to audition him for that. You keep yourself too busy for all that unnecessary mental pressure. It comes as a surprise, but you have never cried on Seokjinâs shoulder in all these years of your togetherness. Youâve kept your head straight and chin up, even during your college exams. And so has Seokjin, because youâve never seen him cry, either.
Lately, though, things have been kind of weird. The gradual transformation into your professional lives that began after college, has been drastic in the past few months. Seokjin has been constantly prioritizing his career over you, and you have been understanding about it because you agree with it â to an extent. Seokjin believes it all the way through, though, and you have known for a while that you would hit your limit at some point, and would try to bring him back to yourself. Today morning, it seems, you hit that limit.Â
You felt dispensable.Â
You hate this feeling.
To be very honest, you know you can get over this. You can give it some time, remind yourself of how much your Jin loves you, believe that he is eventually going to come back to you once he settles, and be understanding about the entire thing.Â
You can â but you really donât want to.
Something tells you that this feeling of getting too comfortable will only fester and take a worse form as time goes by. You can wait it out, sure, and hope you arenât being a pushover as he works on building his career. You are building your career, too, after all, and at least some of it has been for each other.Â
The thing is, your plans with Seokjin are long-termâmarriage, kids, white-picket fence, and all that. And you believe that if you are sensing a problem now, you better deal with it now before it has the chance to change its form and affect you both when you are at a more responsible point in your life.
Mind made up, you look up at Jackson, immediately grimacing when he forwards a greasy hand to pick up a taco for you. âI donâtâŚI donât like tacos. And may I exchange the beer for scotch?â
âYou work at a Mexican restaurant, and you donât like tacos,â Jackson deadpans.
âThey mess up my skincare.â
âOh, fuck off! Have a spinach smoothie with a drink, why donât you?â
You purse your lips to hold back your laughter at his ire, your own worries forgotten in the moment as Jackson gets up to get you a glass of scotch and some healthier snacking alternative.
âYou're a dead man.â
Jimin stops dead in his tracks, arms frozen in the act of putting a t-shirt on. He blinks at Seokjin with big round eyes. âHyung?â he mumbles, a picture of unblemished innocence, especially when he covers his toned torso with the oversized t-shirt he was in the process of getting into. âWhatâwhatâd I do?â
Someone who doesnât know better would never believe that this young, innocent, frazzled haired fairy-boy could ever do any wrong. But Seokjin knows better. âYou chaotic womanizer,â Seokjin nearly hisses, "you've gotta learn to clean after yourself. Honey found a girl in my bed. A girlâin my bed.â
Jimin had the decency to drop the innocent act. âOh. Oh.â
Seokjin raises a brow. âOh? Thatâs it?â
"Yeah, well, I clarified to her that it was a one time thing when we got to it. She was obviously expecting something more if she didn't leave when I told her to. Disappointed but not surprised." Jimin is frowning when he comes to sit down on the couch next to Seokjin. âSorry you two had to see that. You clarified to Honey noona that Iâd been the occupant of the room, though, right?âÂ
âIâwhat?â Seokjin scoffs. âWhy would I even need to do that? She knows that already, obviously. Sheâs been seeing you for over five years, or have you forgotten?â
Jimin squints. âI meanâŚokay, fair point, I guess. Whyâre you so worked up, then? Did something else happen, too? Whereâs she, now?â Jimin looks around the living room as if looking for you.
Seokjin sighs. âWell, I couldn't really get much out before she was storming out of the damn house, altogether.â
Jimin blinks. âStorming out? Why? She⌠um, was she mad?"
Seokjin opens his mouth â and then shuts it. Was she mad, indeed. "I don't know. She looked kinda mad, yes. But maybe she was in a hurry?"Â
"Why would she be mad? Did you try to call her? Text her? It's unlike her to react so big on something so small." Jimin bites down on his lip, looking lost in thought.Â
Seokjin shakes his head. "She didn't pick up or text back."
âThereâs definitely got to be an underlying reason for her being like this. Are you sure you guys havenât been fighting, hyung?âÂ
Seokjin sighs. âYes, Jimin, Iâm absolutely certain that there hasnât been any fighting of any sorts between the two of us before today.â He pauses. âWell, she was slightly irritated that I didnât check her texts last night, but she knows I go to bed at eleven on days leading up to a shoot, so that oneâs on her.â
Jimin looks genuinely concerned, which, in turn, makes Seokjin concerned. Jimin isn't the type to stress over stuff if he can help it. Sure, he cares about the boys and would always be down to do whatever he can for them, but his throwing-caution-to-the-wind way of life causes him to not take most of the things in life seriously.
Youâve been like an older sister to the boys ever since Seokjin started dating you and introduced you to them. They all have their ways of showing their respect and affection to you. Well, maybe not Jungkook because he canât get over getting unnecessarily intimidated by Seokjin enough to relax around you.Â
Jimin, especially, always seems to be affected by any tension in Seokjinâs relationship. Everyone can see how it upsets his entire life when you two are fighting, although heâd never admit to it. He doesnât need to, because itâs pretty obvious when he becomes a cranky six-year-old who hates the world.Â
Right now, he has a guilty frown on his face. "I should've seen to it that Suzette left before I went to shower," he mumbles as if talking to himself. âShouldnât have trusted her to leave just because I told her to.â He looks up at Seokjin with troubled eyes. "I'm sorry, hyung."
Seokjin can not believe himself when he shakes his head at Jimin's apologyâthis little demon causes so much chaos in all their lives that any apology coming from him should be justified and welcome. But this one isn't really on him. "It's not entirely your fault."
Jimin's demeanor changes a bit and the attitude Seokjin is used to witnessing makes an appearance. "Right? That's what I was thinking, too!" Jimin exclaims, some of the concern on his face lifting. "You have to talk to Honey noona and make things right, though, hyung. Sheâs the only womanly touch in our man cave. Weâd all be barbarians without her.â Jimin looks very wary and kind of nervous.
âItâs funny you would crave her âwomanlyâ presence when sheâs rushed off because of a woman that you brought home.â Seokjin scrunches his nose. "And I said it isn't entirely on you, because it is partially on you, Park Jimin. You borrowed my room to smoke up in. Why couldn't you take your Suzy back to your own room?"
"Suzette," Jimin corrects under his breath while shaking his head. "Yeah, I should've, but⌠your room just felt like a better choice during the high," he finishes in a mumble, dragging a hand down his face. âHyung,â Jimin says with a pout on his lips, âthe last time you two fought was two years ago, remember? On your birthday? When Hobi hyung dumped cake in noonaâs hair and she had her first shoot for that bigshot magazine, the next day?â
Seokjin nods with a sigh. âShe yelled at me for having stupid friends, and I yelled at her for caring more about the shoot that having a good time on my birthday. Yes, I remember.â
âAnd then she didnât visit us for a whole week. Please donât let that happen, again.â Jimin looks up at Seokjin with big, round eyes. âI canât take that kind of unrest in my life."
Seokjin briefly wonders, if Jiminâs nightly conquests were to see this side of him, would they run in the opposite direction or be more attracted to him? Jimin definitely needs someone in his life that would bring out this side in him and stay to provide him the emotional comfort he requires when he gets like this.Â
âI will try not to, Jiminie, butâŚâ Seokjin shuts his eyes. âI seriously do not understand her actions from the morning,â he finishes in a mumble.
âMaybe sheâsâmaybe sheâs worried about something else? Some other aspect of her life?â Jimin suggests with wide eyes. âAnd sheâs just projecting onto you.â
âAs sound as the explanation is, I am literally involved in ninety percent of the aspects in her life,â Seokjin says with a twist to his lips. âI would know if something was wrong anywhere.â
âThatâs cocky of you to say,â Jimin snarkily comments with narrowed eyes. At Seokjinâs raised eyebrows, he amends, âThatâs cocky of you to say, hyung-nim.â
Seokjin scoffs, but then he shrugs his shoulders. âItâs true. We work at the same restaurant, weâre scouted by the same agency. Even her agent is best friends with mineâshe gossips a ton about how Honey passes up so many opportunities and pisses her agent off. Her friends are, wellââ Seokjin stops short when it hits him. âWang. Wang could know something!â
Jimin is looking at him skeptically when Seokjin meets the youngerâs eyes. âI just think you should have a simple talk with noona first before digging around.â
That is sensible advice. Seokjin nods as he pulls his phone out.
âJust find out whatâs been troubling her, hyung. You two are rational people, Iâm sure youâll work it out.â Jimin pauses to scratch the back of his head. âJust please donât let this be another fight like that one?â
âDonât worry,â Seokjin finally says with a pat on Jiminâs shoulder as he finishes sending off another text to you, âthis one is nothing like that fight.â
Turns out, this fight really is not like that one. Or any other fights Seokjin has ever had with you, in fact, because youâre giving him the silent treatment.Â
Youâve never given him the silent treatment.Â
Not even when you were students and didnât have a load of time on your hands and used to waste precious sleep hours arguing over stupid shit that would probably resolve itself if you just slept on it and looked back at it with a fresh state of mind. Not even then did you forego talking.
Needless to say, Seokjin is distressed.
You drive to the house to pick him up at your usual time, the next morning, after not having responded to any of his calls or texts for the entire day. Seokjin is aghast as he gets into the car.
âHoney! What is going on? Why didnât youâwhere have you been?â
You simply start the engine and take off. âBusy,â you murmur after a while.
Soekjinâs head is close to exploding. âBusy? Doing what?â
Your face remains stoic as you weave through the morning traffic. Seokjin looks at you. Youâre dressed up in your waitressing outfit that consists of a shirt, skirt and tights, and being who you are, Seokjin can proudly say that you would stand out to be the most well dressed server in the field. Youâre always pristine and tidy â no accidents happen to you at the job ever. No spillage of drinks or ketchups, no soiled hands being wiped down on your skirt. Nothing even ruins your manicure.Â
It is something that Seokjin has always tried to keep up with, this cleanliness streak of yours. Because he has always assumed you would expect it out of him, too. You were attracted to the cover model version of him, after all. It is quite natural that you would have those kinds of expectations. And Seokjin has always been more than happy to deliver. It has become a part of him, in fact. He doesn't even chew with his mouth open even when he's among the boys, anymore.
It has, somewhat, made him practical and less emotional in life, too, but he doesn't really think of it as a bad thing. You have always been practical in life â the most ambitious girl he has ever met, someone that has always prioritized her career and goals over everything else. Seokjin has admired that since college, and has tried to show you that he has similar priorities even if he has had to work on thinking from his mind more than his heart.
But when you are already by his side, what does he even need his heart for, anymore, when it's already yours?
Now, looking at you sitting with a morose expression on your face as you give him the cold shoulder, Seokjin is just as much in love with you as he was when he first met you.
âStuff,â you say with a shrug, after some extended silence. âYou should know about that, right? Your scheduleâs always busier than mine and I never complain.â
Your sharp words have him reeling. Whatever do you even mean by that? âUhm, okay. Fair enough. But⌠did you really not have the time to respond to a single text?â
âIt gets impossible sometimes, Jin, you know how it is.â
Seokjin frowns. He does know that, but he doesnât feel okay. Something is very off with you. It is as if youâre saying something else and expecting him to discern a different meaning out of it.Â
He doesnât understand why, though. You, of all people, should know how terrible he is at decoding signs.
He sighs.
Seokjin, after his conversation with Jimin yesterday, had decided to ask you about the morningâs incident, head on, whenever you called him back. But you didnât, and this is the first opportunity heâs had to talk to you, so he decides to bring it up, now. âWhatâwhat happened yesterday morning, babe? You got really mad and stormed off, and⌠I mean, youâve got to know the girl had been Jiminâs companion for the night, right? You know him, how he is!â
You say nothing, hands tightening a bit on the steering wheel. Seokjin looks down at his own hands.
âYou know I was only surprised at your words because we really do not have the time to be discussing silly things." He shuts his heart down when it tries to tell him to go soft. He knows it isn't something you would appreciate. "After five years, you know what Iâm capable of right? You can never start getting ideas, because that would be insane and stupid. Iâm already so supremely occupied as it is between two jobs, when would I even have the time to cheat, right?â he jokes, snorting to himself.
Youâre still quiet, but your tongue comes out to moisten your lips. It is a nervous tick of yours which Seokjin recognizes very well, because with your skincare and scheduled regular application of lip balms, your lips never need the extra moisture.
He frowns. Was he too straightforward? But this is exactly how you communicate with him! âHey, is everything okay, babe?â
You exhale, noisily. âEverythingâs fine, Jin,â you finally say with a roll of your eyes. âAnd youâre right. I know you wouldnât cheat. You donât have the time to chat me up, how are you gonna pick someone new to impress, huh?âÂ
Your snort sounds lacking in humor, but Seokjin still gives a couple of stilted chuckles. Even so, he's still somewhat relieved. âRight. Just so weâre certain, that was a joke, right? I mean, it would be really ridiculous of you to think that I wouldââ
âYes, Jin!â you cut him off with a deep frown. âIf I wanted to talk to you about something, or accuse you, or confront you â Iâd do that without you having to prompt me. Stop obsessing over yesterday and stop trying to explain yourself. I know it was Jiminâs doing.â
Seokjin feels immensely relaxed at the conviction with which you say the last sentence, certainly, but something is still off. âWhy were you ignoring me, then?â
âI just didnât have anything to say to you.â You stop at a red light, the last one before you reach the restaurant, and turn to look at Seokjin with really vacant eyes. He doesnât like your stare one bit. âWeâve been together five years, babe. If neither of us have got anything of significance to say, Iâd rather not text too much, if thatâs okay with you? Iâve got a busy schedule to work around, too, you know?â
Seokjin wants to remind you that both of you had something of significance to say after you left his place in anger, but chooses to just roll with whatever youâre playing at. Maybe he's thinking too much. He nods. âSounds alright to me.â
âGreat,â you breathe out, somehow looking disappointed along with the preexisting sorrowful expression you had on your face.
You really do not have a concrete explanation for why you acted the way you did with Seokjin, this morning.Â
You were supposed to hint at being mad, not blatantly try to give him a taste of his own medicine. It could turn out to be a good thing if he eventually starts to miss you and reaches out, sure, but playing mind games never feels right to you. But when he started to joke about not having time to cheat, and something just turned off in you. He really couldâve seriously reassured you of his love. That wouldâve been actually comforting. But no. He chose to joke about that, too. You didnât feel like putting in all that energy anymore, after that.
Now, you sit down in the break room to check your phone during your ten minutesâ rest break. A text message floats at the top of your notifications.
Jax đ˝ Hey Howâd it go?
With an exhale, you decide to call him back. Your fingers are too tired to type, and Jackson is sure to launch off into a rampage of texts the moment you tell him youâve tried to turn the tables on Seokjin.
Seokjin is in the kitchen, his usual rest break not being for another hour, so you donât have to worry about him walking in.
âHey!â Jackson jovially greets you as soon as he picks the phone. âDid you get my text?â
âI did, yes,â you respond in a calm voice. âIâve been looping milkshake mugs through my fingers since eight am, they needed some rest, so I decided to call.â
âYeah, no, itâs cool. I was in a really boring class, anyway. So. How'd it go?"
You pull in your lip between your teeth. "I⌠I kinda ended up telling him I am a busy person too and that we shouldnât text that much."
You hear silence instead of the outburst you'd expected.Â
"Jax?"
"Are you actually gonna try to play a mind game with the dumbest human being you know on earth?" Jackson so very eloquently asks, his interpretation making you pinch the bridge of your nose. âHeâs never even gonna figure it out!â
âI know how it sounds, okay?â You exhale. âI honestly donât know what came over me.â
âOkay, alright, one thing at a time. So, no coddling?"
"Not a single soft word. Just more expectations of me understanding, and claiming that anything but that would be stupid of me. He acts like I'm supposed to know everything about him and everyone in his group of friends," you mutter in irritation. âAs if those dumbasses know the first thing about themselves.â
You realize you're being a bit harsh, because his friends â basically your younger brothers, at this point â are a bunch of clueless idiots that love, adore and respect you. You shouldn't be badmouthing them, Seokjinâs growing callousness towards you isn't their doing. It's his own.Â
You sigh. You really miss how things used to be when you were in college.
âUh, I think we need to rewind a bit. What happened? What triggered this?â
It makes you smile a little when Jackson asks that. At least your best knows youâre not wholly clinically insane. âWell⌠I drove him to work. HeâŚ" your brows lower at the recollection, "he was the first to bring up yesterday morning. And yet again, he gave me the same you've got to know this and that crap, and then he tried to assure me in the dumbest possible way. Do you know what he said, Jax, do you?â
âUm, do I wanna know?â
âHe said, and I quote, he doesnât have the time to cheat. Jackson Wang, are you hearing this? He really straight up said he was too busy to cheat on me and so I should rest assured! Who says that?!â
âHe mustâve meant it as a jokeââ
âYeah, he said that, too, and then very immaculately added that itâd be ridiculous of me to think otherwise. I have lost count of how many times the words ridiculous and stupid came up.â
âGoddammit.â
âGoddammit is right,â you mumble, morosely resting your head on your palm.
âWhat did he say, by the way? When you told him to text less?â
You give a wry chuckle. "Well, he said it sounded alright to him."
"Son of a bitch. You â you two are messed up, man. Messed up bad. Why the hell can you not just say shit you really mean and actually want to instead of saying shit you don't? You don't wanna text less because you're busy, you want him to dote on you because you miss him!" Jackson sounds beyond frustrated. "And it doesn't fucking sound alright to him! It sounds scary, it sounds confusing, it sounds like something you would never say to him!" He groans. "But none of you would say that shit to each other! Youâre choosing to be evasive and fucking plastic instead of honest, and falling deeper into your mess."
You reel from the onslaught of his harsh words, eyes widened and breath stuttering. Jackson isn't usually the type to pay so much attention to your relationship problems. But this time, you guess, he has garnered the depth of your unhappiness and thus has gotten so involved.
You realize he is right. Nothing good can come out of any turned tables, because Seokjin is, anyways, not even going to be able to work out the problem by himself. He may even go around talking to his friends about how you were being cold with him and not giving him any time, and still not realize he has been doing the same to you. He is thick like that.Â
When his friends tell you tales of his compassion, you're unable to relate. You've never seen that side of him. He has probably grown up from that emotionally overwhelmed high school graduate who had made friends on a whim, the night of his graduation.
You certainly don't appreciate the emotional abstinence, though, and would very much rather prefer if he would open up a bit more. It would help you be more open with him, without fearing him calling you "stupid" in response.
But itâs still alright, you accept him with that thick brain of his, because heâs still only ever going to be the only one for you.
"How are you two gonna get around to having a proper chat if you just keep building more walls between you both?" Jackson asks after the long pause from your end, this time softer. âIâm sorry, babe, I was wrong. Giving him signs and making him realize shit wonât work. It was stupid of me to suggest that. Itâs probably why you ended up being so caustic with him.
âNo, no, it was all me, Jax. I couldâve chosen to not listen to you, but my ego got in the way, I guess. Itâs not exactly easy, telling your boyfriend youâre feeling neglected. I mean, what if he laughs in my face and tells me Iâm being paranoid? What if he thinks I have no regard for his career â or mine â because my priorities donât align with his?â You bite your lip, shutting your eyes as your insecurities attack you.
âHey, no. None of that is gonna happen if you really share with him what youâve been feeling. No hints, no sarcasm, youâre gonna have to tell him point blank. Allow yourself to be raw. Heâs the love of your life. You donât have to protect yourself from him, right?â
You sigh. âYeah, I know. Youâre absolutely right, Jax. But I really have no idea how to even approach him, at this point. Heâs either too busy with shoots, or with the guys, or some meeting. I cannot do this on call, because that always leads to misunderstandings.â You bite down on your lower lip, contemplating. âBut Iâll figure something out.â
"Yes, you will. You always do. So, thatâs good then. In the meanwhile, can you at least clean up this latest pile of poop? The talking less thingy is gonna make you two more distant, hun."
You scrunch your nose at his metaphor, but then your shoulders slump. "I don't know, Jackson. The way he so impassively agreed to it would make me sound really stupid if I take it back. And given what he keeps saying, he really doesnât want me to sound stupid."
Jackson gives a snort at that. âHah, funny. But listen. At the end of the day, heâs your boyfriend. You're gonna have to really decide if you're trying to get your boyfriend to give you more love, or if you're fighting a battle of egos and would like to bend him to you."
You bite your lip. âYou make me sound manipulative.â
âYou yourself confessed you let your ego come into this, one time. Donât let that happen again. Iâm trying to make you realize that complicated problems can have simple solutions, too. If only youâd communicate. Just talk to him soon, please, and make him understand why youâre hurt. Donât carry on with this stupid cold war, okay? You gotta figure out exactly what you want, first.â
âYou know what I want, Jax. Youâre literally the only person that does, actually,â you remind him with a sigh.
âOh, he is, isnât he?â
You freeze, eyes bulging at the familiar voice. âIâll⌠Iâll call you back,â you mumble before you disconnect the call and turn to look over your shoulder at Seokjinâs unreadable face. He stands with his arms crossed, still in his uniform but without the apron. âJin⌠whatâuhâŚâ
âWhat am I doing here?â he scoffs, lips curling in distaste as he stares you down. âWell, I was going to the loo when I saw you sitting here. You looked upset, so I thought Iâd check in on you on my way back.â He clicks his tongue, a dry chuckle tumbling out. âBut apparently, youâve got other people doing it for you, already.â
You wince, shutting your eyes. The one time he was finally going to give you some much needed attention â you sent a bad message his way.Â
âSo. Good to know there actually is someone who knows what you want. Wouldâve been easier if it were me, though, given how I stand to be the one that is to deliver.â Seokjin sounds pissed off, and despite your irritation, you really want to make him understand.
You rub at your forehead. âStop talking like that, Jin, it was just Jackson.â
âWang?â He seems to seethe more, for some reason. âOf course, itâs fucking Wang!â
You frown, standing up. âWhatâs that supposed to mean?â
Seokjin looks at you incredulously. âYouâdo you not see how this looks? You have problems with me, Honey, but you choose to discuss them with him? Whoâs he, your therapist?â
âHeâs my best friend, Jin, someone I trust,â you grit out.
Seokjin seems to take it the wrong way, his agitated expressions slowly fading into a blank stare. âOh. You trust him, as opposed toâŚâ He trails off with a shrug, but the implication is as obvious as it can be.
âJinââ
He raises a hand up, palm facing you as he looks away. âIf you need some time apart, you should tell me in plain words. You know Iâm not good at reading signs.â
Seokjin gives you a blank stare before turning around to leave the area. You stand rooted to your place, jaw dropped and eyes wide.
Some time apart? Has he lost his mind?Â
He really is a huge freaking idiot who cannot pause to think what implications his words have. He seriously doesnât recognize what all his âdonât be ridiculous/overdramatic/stupidâ speeches do to you. You realize you should really make him understand. This has gone on for way too long.
But maybe you should take some time to yourself to cool off before that. You donât want to say the wrong thing in your rage and complicate things further.
You sigh to yourself as you slump back into the bench you were sat on before.
Youâd set out to tell your boyfriend you were feeling neglected, but you ended up making him think you want to be apart. How the heck did you get here?
You belatedly recall Jackson's words.
Why the hell can you not just say shit you really mean and actually want to instead of saying shit you don't?
Youâre choosing to be evasive and fucking plastic instead of honest, and falling deeper into your mess.
Your usually dumbheaded best friend was right on this one, you realize. You shouldâve just talked like a normal human being instead of letting Seokjinâs words get to you and get pissy in retaliation.
You give a weary sigh.Â
Seokjin is grateful for the sudden busyness heâs got on his schedule, or he would explode from all the pent up frustration you have been causing him.Â
He realized he wasnât as upset with you as he was irritated, right after he walked away from you on Monday. He dropped you a text with some excuse of needing to stay back so that he wasnât forced to ride with you in the car again, and later took the bus home.Â
You had told Jackson Wang about what was troubling you, but not him. It made Seokjin feel upset, incompetent and more than a little insecure. Seokjin absolutely hates feeling insecure. Especially about you. Youâre the singular most precious entity in his life â not that you are an entity, per se â and anything that seeks to threaten your position in his life or his position in yours, makes him lose his shit.
So it was understandable that he jumped to unfairly disproportionate magnitudes of conclusions that day. When he thought about it, later, he could easily tell that you are just mad at him and not actually contemplating leaving him, not even for a little while. Not that heâd just sit back and have you do that so easily.
Seokjin also hates overthinking, but that is all he did for the entirety of his Monday.Â
Monday, though, was the last time he had time to overthink. Life got exponentially busier after that.
Immediately after his shoot on Tuesday, he received his agentâs call and was informed of his jam packed schedule for the remainder of the week. He was pulled into two separate magazine ad shoots on Wednesday, a perfume ad film drank up all of his Thursday, and today, a hair product ad film needed him to report to a sunrise point in the city at the ass-crack of dawn. The sky was still dark when he rode across the city with his agent at nearly four in the morning.Â
And now, the afternoon sun beats down on his car as he drives back alone, his agent staying back to tend to some business. Stopping at a red light, he reaches for his spinach smoothie with one hand and his phone with the other. Ugh, he feels beyond tired.
Blearily, he looks down at the device around a yawn, fingers habitually reaching for your chat.
He took a week off from the restaurant and dropped you a text, late Tuesday evening, informing you of the same.
Honeyâ¨â¤đ¸ Hm, kay. Good luck x
Unsurprisingly, that stands to be your last message in his inbox. Itâs been four days.
Sighing, he swipes a hand down his tired face and exits out of the message app. He went to bed at nine oâclock, last night, and owing to the way he has trained his body to sleep on command, he did manage to get a sleep of nearly six hours, too. But it was fitful and plagued with nightmares featuring you.Â
Knowing he doesn't have to be at the restaurant until Monday and that his next gig isnât until Wednesday, he cannot wait to get back home and drink his weight in alcohol before he sleeps his way through the weekend.
Just as he has moved past the intersection, his phone rings.Â
Honeyâ¨â¤đ¸ calling...
He nearly spits the smoothie he just sipped at.
Coughing, he roughly jostles the plastic cup back in the holder and pulls up to a side of the road to pick up the call. âHey,â he breathes into the phone, embarrassed at his desperation.
âJin. Um, hi.â You sound awkward, as if youâŚhave been compelled to call him due to some reason.
He is immediately worried. âHoney? Is everything okay, do you need something?â
He hates himself for being so concerned when you have been neglecting him for so many days â yet again, despite your spat at the restaurant â instead of finally talking to him about whatâs bothering you, but he canât help it. At the end of the day, you are the love of his life.Â
âYes, yes, Iâm okay. Itâs just, um. Can you pick me up from the restaurant?â you sound nervous.
But, Seokjin realizes, I was right. You do need something. He clears his throat. âUh, okay, I guess,â he agrees before stopping short when he realizes the time. âWait, itâs barely even two. Why are you leaving?â he asks, confused and a little concerned. You work your shift till five every day and till eight on weekends.
âTomorrow is Halloween, Jin. Weâre closing for the weekend, remember?â
Seokjinâs mouth falls open on a gasp. He really had forgotten. âOh. Oh, okay. Yeah, Iâll be there in five, wait up.â
He swerves the car into the lane and takes off in the direction of the restaurant.Â
He laughs at himself. He has been so caught up in work that he literally forgot Halloween. He wonders if this is what actual adulting is.
He is stopping before the restaurant within three minutes of your phone call, eyes immediately spotting your delicate figure standing on the sidewalk with your hands crossed against your chest.
You step down from the curb when you spot his car, and walk towards him. He watches your elegant legs as they beautifully fall in a straight line. Even when exiting your job as a waitress, youâre every bit the elegant model he met in college. Your hips sway tantalizingly, and something akin to longing swirls in his chest.
He composes himself quickly when you cross the car to get into the passengerâs seat. You awkwardly clear your throat as Seokjin busies himself with starting the vehicle, unsure if he should initiate conversation.
âUm, sorry about this. You were probably getting ready for shoot,â you finally say. âByulyi dropped me off today. She wasnât picking her phone up. I was trying to get a cab for half an hour. And the bus stopâs really farââ
âHey, stop. Itâs okay. You shouldâve called me sooner.â Seokjin catches your apprehensive gaze on his oversized hoodie when he chances a glance at you. He sighs. âI was returning home from shoot, actually.â
He feels you stiffen, and he feels even more mentally drained at this. You used to be updated with his schedule to the tee â just short of having an actual copy of the calendar his agent carries on him. And the same goes for him with your schedule. This feels so wrong.
You are quiet for a while, your hands fidgeting in his peripheral vision.
âHowâhow was it?â you finally say, voice coming out like a croak.
Seokjin shrugs his shoulders. âThe usual. Blinding, tiring, exhaustive. I did okay, I guess.â
He feels your gaze snap up to drill holes into his skull. Your eyes are wide when he checks. âOkay? Since when do you do anything less than amazing at shoots, babe?â
He feels endeared at your casual use of a pet name. âI had to get up at three in the morning and go through a skincare routine. Then drive across the entire city to get to the location, because they wanted to capture actual sunrise. I was more tired than excited by the time they rolled cameras, so.â He shrugs. âCanât really say I gave my best today.â
You nod at his admission.Â
Seokjin almost jumps when his phone rings, again.
Jiminie calling...
He feels you shift in your seat. His mouth sours at the reminder of that Sue girl that started off this entire tussle between you and him. Fucking Jimin and his conquests. What happened to the shy and more than a little glum looking freshman he let into his living space, three years ago?
Your hand suddenly reaches forth to accept the call, putting it on loudspeaker, immediately. Seokjin gapes at you, momentarily looking away from the road.Â
âUhâŚhyung?â Jiminâs confused voice echoes in the car.Â
Seokjin snaps out of his daze when you gesture towards the device. âWhâJimin, hi, whatâs â whatâs up?â he stumbles his way through a haphazard greeting.
âHyung, I needed a favor. Are you on your way back from the shoot, right now?â Jimin asks, and Seokjin sees you freeze in your seat.
He feels a perverse sense of satisfaction. Yes, take that! Park Jmin knows of my schedule better than you do! This is what you get for ghosting me! âI was, yeah. What is it?â
âOh, great! I kinda need your help, hyung. My tire gave out. Could you pick me up from the Kappa hall?â
Seokjin scowls. âYah! Who am I, your butler? Hop on a damn bus!â
He notices you pursing your lips, no doubt finding his agitation humorous â you always do.Â
âHyu~ng,â Jimin whines. âI would take the bus, but the next one leaves in forty-five minutes and I need to be back within an hour!â
âWhat? Why?â
âI started on my sem project really late, hyung, and now I gotta spend any time I can spare at the rehearsal hall. Iâm meeting a choreographer here in an hour. Please help me out!â Jimin is still whining, and maybe his reasoning is kind of alright, butâ
Seokjin is tired to his bones. He literally cannot drive all the way down to your apartment and then drive back to the university campus to pick Jimin up.
He sighs, wearily. âJimin⌠Iâm really tired.âÂ
âAnd Iâm really desperate, hyung! Dancing is tough! And the subject I've chosen, tougher. I haven't done ballet since first semester, Freshman year! I have to work my butt off and be done in under two months."
Seokjin exhales, feeling beyond exhausted. But then your finger is tapping on the screen and the call has been muted. Seokjinâs surprised eyes fly up to meet yours. You look conflicted, biting down on your lower lip as you shake your head with a frown.
âYou should go home and rest, Jin. Leave the car with me, Iâll pick him up.â
âHyung? Say something?â
Seokjin blinks. âYouâŚâ
You roll your eyes. âIâll pick him up, yeah. Heâll drop me off and drive back to your place.â
âHyung?! Did you put me on mute, or what? I can't hear a thing!â
âTell him youâll be there in ten!â you say, unmuting the call.
âIâm in the car, the network must have glitched. Iâll, uh⌠be there in ten?â Seokjin nervously finishes off, looking at you in question. You give him a nod, blinking slowly. âWait up, okay?â
âOh my God, thank you so much, hyung!â Jimin practically squeals through the phone. âIâll be in the ice cream shop across the building. I love you, hyung-nim!â
Seokjin rolls his eyes and disconnects the call. He looks at you from the corner of his eyes as he takes a right, now moving in the direction of his apartment instead of yours. âYou sure about this? Jimin, um, knows. About ourâŚâ Seokjin doesnât want to call it the f-word, because he would like to believe that you two arenât actually fighting. âYou being upset, I mean,â he settles for the easier alternative. âHe might ask questions.â
You give a small huff of wry laugh. âI can handle it, Seokjin. Iâve known Jimin for almost three years now.â
Seokjin doesnât like it when you address him by his full name. And so, his lips remain pursed for the remainder of the ride, only parting to tell you to âdrive safe and text me when you finally get home,â and then he walks inside his apartment without looking back.
He hears his car come to life and then speed away. He shuts his eyes, leaning against the kitchen counter. Gathering his emotional as well as physical bearings, he opens the refrigerator to rummage through some leftovers to munch on while he breaks out a six pack of Budweiser.Â
Before his fried rice has even reheated, Seokjin groans at the sight of an all too jovial Hoseok entering the kitchen with a glint in his eyes. âNo, Hobi. Not now.â
âWhat? I didnât say a word, hyung!â
Seokjin winces, shutting his eyes just as the microwave beeps. âI donât have enough energy to deal with your general aura, right now,â he mumbles, extracting the piping hot glass bowl. He leans down to open one of the compartments beneath the kitchen table to get to the beer that heâs been dreaming of for nearly an hour, now. âIâm dead on my feet andâwoah!â Seokjin gasps, cutting himself off.
Hoseok hops into the kitchen, coming around to stand behind Seokjin. âSo you found âem,â he says around a chuckle.
âFound âem? This is you?â Seokjin whips his head around to glare at Hoseok up from his crouch. âWhy is my liquor closet resembling a liquor shop, Hobi? Why do we have all thisââ he turns around to read the labels, cursing under his breath. âWhy do we have,â he pauses to count, âfive bottles of Tequila and eight bottles of Vodka?â
Hoseok frowns in concern. âEight? There should be ten, hyung, check again.â
Seokjin actually gasps, this time. âWhat the hell, Jung Hoseok? Explain yourself before I start throwing hands!â
Hoseok smacks a palm against his forehead, taking Seokjin by surprise, yet again. âTonightâs the Halloween party, hyung! Did you actually forget?â
Seokjin screws his eyes shut, letting his head roll back with a frustrated whine. âNo~o, donât tell me it's tonight. Halloweenâs tomorrow, right? Why is the party tonight?â
âYes, hyung, Halloween in tomorrow, which is why it would be stupid to hold the party when Halloween is ending.â
Seokjin finds the logic to be very severely flawed, but his energy is draining out fast and he cannot keep up with this quarrel. Thereâs no point, anyway. Heâs known about this party for nearly a month. And Hoseok isnât going to postpone a whole party just because Seokjin is tired.
âYou look tired, hyung. You should rest. Recharge yourself before the party, okay? Thereâs plenty of time.â Hoseok pats Seokjin on the shoulder with a kind smile.
âIâm not even in the mood to party, Hobi,â Seokjin mutters, reaching behind all the glass bottles to extract his pack of cans.Â
Hoseok scowls at Seokjin. âBecause youâre upset about your fight, I realize that. All the more reason to party, hyung! Take your mind off it for some time, why donât you? You donât even have to dress up, come as yourself.â
âIâd rather just drink myself to sleep and not wake up for the next twenty four hours.â
Hoseok blocks his path as Seokjin moves to exit the kitchen. âIs Honey coming?â
Seokjin sighs, shrugging his shoulders. âI donât know, Hobi. Did you invite her?â
âNo, hyung, because you said you would.â
Seokjin clicks his tongue. He completely forgot. âThen she isnât coming.â
Without listening to his protests, Seokjin trudges upstairs with his food and beer. He will be forced to come down for at least a couple shots, he is certain, so he better make as much of the time he has on his hands as he can.
These days, it seems to be becoming a pattern for you to do things without really understanding why you do them.Â
You nibble at your bottom lip as you recall how gaunt and pale Seokjin had looked when you sat in the car. You had been really self-centered as it is, not really keeping in touch with him for four days, and then reaching out when you needed help. You couldnât bear to think, on top of everything, that he had driven you home despite his extreme exhaustion while you sat back selfishly and let him drive around the city to pick Jimin up when he looked like a ghost.
You shake your head at yourself as Jimin jogs down the road to enter the car, ten seconds after you texted him.Â
His gaze is slightly hesitant when he meets your eyes, even though his smile is nothing but genuine. âHello, noona. How come you areâŚâ he trails off, gesturing around the two of you.
You start the car, shrugging one shoulder. âSeokjin came to pick me up. Now youâre gonna drop me off.â
Jimin gives you a huge smile, before his eyebrows suddenly lower. You look away, veering onto the road. âWait. Were you in the car with him when I called?â
You chuckle. âYes.â
âOh,â Jimin mumbles around a small laugh.
You hum to yourself as you drive, distracting yourself from the thoughts that keep encircling your head. Seokjin is your boyfriend, no matter how mad you might be at him â you love him and care about him. Which is why you have tried to help him out. Not to mention, you felt slightly guilty, as it is, about calling him to pick you up. Why is your gesture of goodwill bothering you, then?
This is what you do for people you care about. Seokjin would do the same.
Your train of thoughts suddenly comes to a screeching halt.
Would he? Would he, really?
âYou okay, noona?â
You jolt back from your thoughts, wide eyes turning to look at Jimin. âWhaâyes, yeah, I'm fine.â
He cocks an eyebrow at you. âYouâre gripping the wheel really hard.â
You look at your tightly clenched fists, and immediately ease them. âOh, uh. Sorry. A lot on my mind, I guess.â
âUnderstandably,â Jimin mutters, looking out of the side window when you turn to look at him.
You purse your lips and press down on the accelerator.Â
A few beats of silence pass between you two before Jimin clears his throat. âCan I say something?â he asks you in a soft voice, looking nothing like the seductive persona he puts forth to get ladies falling in his bed.Â
You exhale. âSure.â
âYou, um. You are not just hyungâs girlfriend, you know?â he says slowly.
You scoff. âOf course, I do. I am also the very best server my restaurant has ever seen and the best struggling model youâll ever meet, on the side.â
Jimin snorts, before giggling with his eyes closed. âYou know thatâs not what I meant.â
You do. But you do not want to face it. You want to be selfish, for once. You do absolutely know that you have been ignoring all the boys in your anger at Seokjin, but you absolutely do not wish to do anything about it. Not until youâve resolved this tense air between you and Seokjin.
âYou are also a part of our little family,â Jimin quietly finishes.
You suck your lips in at that. The word âfamily'' really gets to you.Â
Heâs right, isnât he?Â
All eight of you â well, nine, now, with the addition of Taehyungâs girlfriend â have been a family since the day you met these guys.
You smile as the memories start to filter in.
You had had a giant crush on Seokjin since the very first time you saw him in your Freshman year. Well, having a crush on the guy wasnât that unheard of given how handsome he was. It also helped matters that he modelled for the cover page of your universityâs journal within his first month in college. What surprised you was his reciprocated interest when you both finally got to know each other, thanks to Byulyi. Your current roommate was majoring in photography back then, and somehow roped the two of you into modelling for her portfolio. Seokjin asked you out during the sixth month of your Freshman year.
You recall being introduced to Yoongi in your Sophomore year, when he entered your college as a Music major. You found him laid back, calm but really sassy, and fun to be around. The three of you often hung out together, and you took immense pleasure in singling Seokjin out with the two of your sarcastic back and forths.
In your senior year, Hoseok transferred to your college as a Sophomore, and Taehyung and Jimin entered as Freshmen.Â
Hoseok was literally the most lively person youâd ever met in your life. There wasnât a single moment of boredom next to him. He was easily given the responsibility of planning all your outings and parties, henceforth â a position he still holds with full competence.
Taehyung was usually found to be lost in his head more often than not in his initial college days. He was confused about his major for two entire semesters. With inputs from the group, when he eventually picked Art, he eased into college life. After that, he came out to be one of the weirdest and unwittingly funny guys in the group. You still donât get how he was the first amongst all the boys to find him a girl.
Jimin was a really quiet and reserved individual, at first. He very rarely interacted with you all, choosing to stay holed up in his dorm room, instead, that Taehyung had forced him to share with him. You suspected he was recovering from a recent heartbreak. It became evident when he started dating someone within a week of getting into college, only to confess it was a rebound when he got dumped. The whoring around that began after the whole debacle is yet to cease, though. Obviously.Â
Hoseok comes from a really well-off family, and had brought along with him the four-bedroom apartment he currently resides in with Yoongi, Jimin and your boyfriend. His uncle gave it away to him, rent-free of course, and he proposed to share it with the rest of the guys. Seokjin and Yoongi were immediately on board, more than eager to leave the chaotic dorm life behind. Taehyung, contrarily, decided he wanted to get the whole college experience and refused to quit the dorms. Jimin, then, left the dorm he shared with Taehyung to move in with the elders.
You met Jungkook immediately after your graduation on the boyâs eighteenth birthday. He instantly struck you as a smart kid, really good at singing as well as art. Yoongi disclosed he wanted to be a music major in your college, and you tried to encourage Jungkook about it, but the guy could hardly even look at you. It was cute but also hilarious how much he was scared of Seokjin, and by principle, you.
You believe that is still true. Now that you think about it, you're pretty sure you havenât seen Jungkook ever actually relax around the two of you.
âNoona?â
You blink, coming back to the present as Jimin calls out to you. You take a deep breath, the memories hitting you with tender emotions. All these people are really precious to you, arenât they? The bunch of you really are a family, arenât you?
A sad smile swims up to your face. You miss the boys.
When he calls again, you turn to look at Jimin, questioningly.Â
âPlease donât be mad at hyung,â he slowly says, looking down at his lap. In this moment, he looks quite unlike the Jimin you are used to and reminds you of, instead, the one youâd first met. âHe might lack tact, sometimes, but he really loves you a lot. Youâre his whole world. Whatever it is that you are angry about, you should tell him about it. I donât think he would be able to figure it out by himself.â
This, you agree with. âIâll try, Jiminie.â
âWe all miss you. Especially Hobi hyung and I,â he says with a lopsided excuse of a smile.Â
You resist the urge to fluff his hair. Jimin and Hoseok have been like the younger brothers you never had. You miss them, too.Â
He suddenly chuckles. "And Yoongi hyung hides it well, but I think he's the one that misses you the most. No one helps him roast Jin hyung quite like you do."
You roll your eyes. "Of course not. It's a waste for Yoongi to even try to find a better partner at roasting Jin."
You spot your apartment building and pull up to it.Â
âIâll try to talk to Jin as soon as I can, Jimin, I promise. Don't worry so much about it,â you say as you step out, patting the boy once on his head. "I miss you all, too."
You give a small wave and faint smile to him as he drives away.
tagging: @shrimpmsgâ
note: so! a lil bit of backstory and the infamous halloween party - how we feelinâ so far? the next part is ~12k words, too, and iâll post it next wednesday, wait around~ đđ
SECOND PART OUT NOW:Â read here!
Š jimilter | 2021
#bts#kim seokjin#jin#bangtanarmynet#btsgoldnet#thebtstown#ksmutclub#bts smut#kim seokjin smut#jin smut#bts angst#kim seokjin angst#jin angst#bts imagine#kim seokjin imagine#jin imagine#jin x reader#seokjin x reader#*mine: fic#w: riptide#w: youth#not q
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Keiji and Shin. What's so fascinating about their relationship.
kay so. keisou.
*explodes*
I have so many thoughts about them that I cannot possibly conjure up all of them on command, I definitely missed something sorry
In canon they are. They are foils they are rivals they are two sides of the same coin they are everything to me. They're invested in ruining each other's day to an unhealthy degree ("I don't think I've ever hated someone so much" *literally anything Shin said to Keiji*) and despise each other even though it's established pretty early on that they're really similar. But throughout the game we get small glimpses of what they could've been like as allies (Shin briefly mentioning Keiji was in the secret room with him in 1-2, implying that Shin showed it to him first; "Just my detective intuition""Pretty persuasive"; these lines specifically I cannot get over cause like. they seem so uncharacteristically friendly) and I think it's safe to say that if literally anything about their situation was different they could've ended up getting along. There's also definitely a lot of hidden regret when it comes to the ways they've hurt one another, even if it might just be because they regret being the way they are in general and not necessarily out of personal attachment (but I think it is both. and that is what matters)
My ideal dynamic for them would be some kind of post-logic scenario where a year or two after the death game they're not only both alive but also still in each other's lives. I feel like I should end it here because this is enough of an unrealistic fantasy already but I'm adding more. I wanna see them attempting to navigate a situation where they don't have to view each other as potential threats and be prepared to attempt a murder any second, and it would also be interesting to see how they'd interact when the guilt of everything and the disdain they have for each other isn't as overwhelming but still very present. tired conversations in the middle of the night about whether they deserve happiness and if it even matters anymore, playing video games together, trying to mix coffee with an energy drink, you know the usual. also I wanna see Keiji having a "'I can fix him' says man who is worse" mentality towards Shin, he seems like the kind of guy that gives out life advice and doesn't follow it. I also like the potential of Shin having completely one-sided feelings for Keiji in the death game, because Shin tries to get Keiji's attention a lot more and shows way more enjoyment in getting reactions out of him than Keiji does, and it can be interpreted as Keiji just genuinely not caring about Shin at all.
I like the everything about tgem. But seriously I like the way they jump from enemies to allies every five seconds, from "It's your turn to die, Sou" to "We're your allies. Try trusting us.. Sou" to "I'll kill every one of you that killed Kanna" to "It's different now" to "He can't die like this! I need to-" and the many many ways they parallel and contrast each other, especially how they achieve what the other couldn't
For Keiji, Shin would be everything he dislikes about himself, an "adult with bad intentions" taking advantage of a kid to further his goals. But in a way, in 2-2 Shin ends up kind of outgrowing that and trying to sacrifice himself for that kid, so you could say he becomes everything Keiji wants to be, or doesn't think he deserves to be. For Shin it's the reverse, Keiji would be the ideal he strives towards and later comes to despise, a strong person not only willing, but capable of doing anything to survive. While Keiji would view Shin as a threat and a liability and logic Shin would see Keiji as a cold-blooded murderer, I think there would have also been some genuine attachment buried under 30 layers of guilt and spite, considering how many times they've ended up fighting on the same side and gotten close to at least somewhat reconciling before things inevitably went south and they ended up seeing each other's worst qualities.
Favorite canon interaction: I made a line-by-line analysis of the "It's different now" scene you don't need an answer to that question
Okay, as for the many many situations I'd like to put them in: I wanna see them come up with a plan together. I don't really care what it would be for, I just want to see them trying to work together. I wanna see them using the same tactics they've used against each other to achieve a common goal. I wanna see a team-up between the two people that were constantly trying to one-up each other in how much convoluted schemes they could pull off. If these two tried to scheme together the game would either end right then and there or drag on for another 20 hours and honestly either option is beautiful. also I think it would be fun to see how they'd negotiate a token trade in 2-1, and what kind of circumstances they'd have to be in to even consider trading with each other. I actually have a fic in the works about that one
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chapter 31
đ´đŹđŻđĄ đ đŹđ˛đŤđą: 1.26K
đ¤đ˘đŤđŻđ˘: romance | slice of life | fluff | angst | bts x female!reader | ot7
đ°đ˛đŞđŞđđŻđś: You watched them from the sidelines ever since you were a young teenage girl. Now youâre grown up, theyâve returned after 2 long years and everything has changed. What happens when you pull back the mask and find the darkness within? What happens when you see that theyâre broken?
đ´đđŻđŤđŚđŤđ¤đ°: cliffhangers | angst | fluff | slight mentions of self hatred | depression | mental health illness | self harm | occurs in the year 2024 | set in a timeline where BTS went to the military together | slight language
tags: @kookaine | @fangirl125reader | @kookiebbyxx | @taradevonne | @rae-bear |@mangminnie | @pixiekooo | @cana | @canarystwin
Opening the door to your apartment, you sigh.
It was a long day. The photoshoot lasted longer than you expected, and you didn't even get a chance to reprint your schedule. It was for the best though, you supposed. Namjoon didn't need you to do much of anything else besides assist him while he set up to get some work done.
Biting your bottom lip, you try not to feel guilty that you left him all alone. He said he needed no distractions, but you pray he doesn't pull an all-nighter. Knowing him, however...Glancing down at your phone, you wince at the week's schedule Mr. Sejin gave to you before leaving. He told you that getting a daily schedule would be tedious, and informed you that weekly schedules would be sent to you every Sunday.
As for this week...
They have hardly any free time, especially Namjoon. Filled to the brim with practices, photoshoots, and interviews...you can't imagine what it'd be like when promotions start. He really shouldn't be pulling all-nighters nowadays, he needs to rest now to prepare for the workload that will come his way.
You scoff.
Who are you kidding? Namjoon won't be likely to do that. He's the type to pour out every last of his waking spirit into his work. Even if you did go back to help, you'd probably be in the way. Not to mention the fact he wouldn't listen to a word you say.
Shaking your head, you wonder if your mother felt the same way when she was raising you.
Studying all night, practicing until your voice was sore or you couldn't dance anymore, pushing yourself to the very limit, preparing for your dream...
Swallowing hard, you push the thought out of your mind.
You don't have time for guilt.
Slipping out of your shoes, you advance, locking the door tightly behind you. In the corner of your mind, you wonder if Sunoh is sleeping already. Glancing at the clock, you roll your eyes. If he wasn't, he'd be crazy.
3 am already?
Reminds you of the times you would write till the wee hours of the morning. Creating countless stories and adventures, different worlds and different people, trying to find a way to escape when you had nowhere else to run. When was the last time you were inspired to even pick up a pencil much less write?
"I hate being alone." You murmur, rubbing your face. "I always think too much."
Setting your satchel on the counter island, you empty its contents and come across the contract. Freezing, you slowly pull it out and stare at it.
This is your dream.
So why are you hesitating?
Taking it to the table, you pull out a chair and carefully set it down.
It couldn't hurt to read through, could it?
You wonder why you are so afraid. What he did wasn't even something to be worried about. But when the one you cherish the most tells you you'll never make it, that you aren't talented enough...
He heard your voice and called it mediocre, amateur, and told you to find a new dream. Told you to give up on something you would never succeed at. Told you everything you worked so hard for was worthless. It was unrealistic, it wasn't worth trying.
You'd never make it anyway.
You weren't nearly as pretty enough to fit their standards.
You weren't perfect enough to pass their expectations.
You weren't made for the dream, so you shouldn't be given the chance to achieve them.
Groaning, you try to swallow the lump in your throat, you try to ignore everything you wish to hold back, but you can't.
How?
How could they see that you were worth something?
Obviously, you aren't worth that much, obviously, you aren't that special...
"Why are you hesitating?"
Remembering what Suga said, you wonder at the question yourself.
This is supposed to be your dream, you are supposed to hold onto it no matter what others tell you. No matter what people may think. It's something that's made to be eternal, that won't give up as long as you don't give up either.
Are you afraid?
"Yes. I'm terrified."
But why are you terrified? Why can't you forget the past?
"What if he's right? What if I'm not cut out for this?"
So are you afraid of what others think?
"No."
Then what is it?
You think of everyone who is counting on you, their high expectations. What they are risking for you. You think of the people who came before you, how hard they tried for this chance, just so they can achieve a dream they may never get. You think of your mother, who lost the very same dream and could never achieve it.
What is holding you back?
"What if I let them down?" you whisper softly, as a tear finally escapes its blockade and lands on the very same contract you've been holding in your hands.
You've dreamed of this. Receiving your first contract and signing with a company, ready to become a trainee, ready to be the singer; the performer you've always wanted. You've imagined the scenario in your head, acted it out many times over and over again. This was supposed to be a happy moment, the moment when all your hard work meant something. The moment when you finally took the next step towards your goal.
Inwardly, you want to scream in joy. You want to cry from happiness. But that fear, that blockade of terror, that is the one thing that holds you back.
What if when you finally let go, when you allow yourself to be happy again, it's ruined?
I gave everything to you.
"Shut up."
But you threw it away.
"Stop."
And for what? A dream that will never find its way out of your head?
"You're not here."
It's worthless hoping for something that can never happen.
"You don't know that."
Do you want to be worthless?
"You don't get to dictate my life."
Biting your lip, turn the final page of the contract, and find the dotted line. A line that will sign your life away. A line that holds every dream, every wish, every hope you've gathered in your small wish to be an idol. To sing on the stage, to perform and touch the world with your music.
Your world.
Finding a pen amongst the confines of your satchel, you put the tip gently to the paper and sign your name.
You smile once you do, and hold your hands to your face.
Letting out a small shriek, you let your excitement take control of your body and you allow the euphoric feeling of happiness to spread throughout you. You push back the feelings of doubt, the paralyzing helplessness of terror. For now, that doesn't matter. At this moment, those feelings aren't important.
Who cares about what's to happen in the future?
Would you rather be held back because of things you can't control?
No, this is your choice. This is your life.
You make the choice, no one else can make it for you.
At the harsh ringer of the phone, you jump. Startled, you turn to it from where it sits on the counter and check the caller ID.
One step at a time right?
That's all it takes to be okay again.
To move on.
Maybe it's time you talked to her.
Setting the pen down, you pick up your phone, taking a deep breath before accepting the call.
"Hi, Mom."
she finally called her mom! question, on a scale of 1-10 how angry would your guys' mom be if you ghosted her for this long? 0.o cuz mine would disown me for the longest time.
chapter 32 here
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can I ask why you donât believe in shifting? genuine question <3
I have a lot of thoughts on this so bare with me anon:
When you shift, to my knowledge, you do a few things
Its done in your sleep
You listen to audios to help you shift (i think this is optional)
And you have what is called a "script" where you basically write down where you want to shift to and what you want to happen. Here, you have free reign of what you want to change and what you want to happen.
So after this preparation, you should be able to "shift" to wherever you want, while you're sleeping.
Now, if it doesn't happen on the first try, you are to keep repeating the process until it does.
Personally, its just lucid dreaming.
This isn't to say that what you "shift" doesn't actually happen, because im sure it does. However, youre not "shifting" anywhere. Its in your mind.
See, when you do these scripts, and you do them repeatedly and constantly imagine what you wnt to happen, youre putting these things into your subconscious. You dedicate hours of your time imagining this particular scenario(s). So, when you go to sleep and you subconscious (whats active when you sleep) begins to visualize what youve been thinking about. Which is also why it doesn't always work, because its hard to force your mind to dream about a certain thing. Its also why as you continue to "shift" it gets easier the more you do it. When you practice lucid dreaming, it gets easiest to manage your subconscious.
This isn't to minimize what it all does. Lucid dreaming is awesome, but you're not physically shifting anywhere. If humans could physically shift to any place, it would be way more known than just on tiktok and tumblr.
Additionally, the whole shifting concept is unrealistic. There isn't an alternate reality that these fictional worlds exist. If that were true that would mean that these authors and writers would have the ability to go to these places and than write about it, which again is not realistic. If shifting was this thing that writers did and have always done, don't you think that at least someone would have said anything about it? Yet, "shifting" is something that has been around for what? Less than five years?
Even if that were true, there wouldn't be any explanation for the millions and millions of other realities that people are shifting to that are similar to that world. People arent just shifting to Harry Potter, they're shifting to Harry Potter where Draco isn't mean or that Tom Riddle was never crazy. Alternate realities wouldn't just change for someone. It would mean that these are all separate realities. Which again, is insane. However, you can dream up about anything, which makes me rational thats what shifting is. Someone just gave it a different name and everyone flocked to it. Which, again makes sense, because about every generation has weird internet trends that we look back on and go "wtf were they thinking."
Also, people's reasoning for shifting is that its "quantum physics" which is the worst explanation. One, because quantum physics has to do with matter and how it makes up the world we live in. Shifting has nothing to do with that. Two, thats the explanation everyone gives for things that aren't scientific.
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âNightfallâ, by Asimov and Silverberg
I havenât picked a book apart in a while, so have some mildly-disjointed thoughts on Asimov & Silverbergâs 1989 novel, mostly focused on the somewhat-ropey astronomy, but looking at a few other things as well...
"Nightfall" is a late-1980s novel-length expansion of the 1950s story of the same name. The basic premise is, "what about a world with no night?"
The planet Kalgash (Lagash in the short story - no relation to Ur or Sumer insofar as I know!) orbits the G-type star Onos, which is in turn one part of a complex multiple system containing six stars in total. With that many stars, there is always one in the sky somewhere. The other five suns are Trey and Patru (a co-orbiting pair of A-type stars), Tanu and Sitha (another co-orbiting pair, this time B stars) and lastly Dovim, a red dwarf. You can see several oddities immediately - note that the stars have neatly sorted themselves by spectral type! And there's only the one red dwarf (Dovim, implied to be an early-M-type object), when you'd expect loads as a) star formation is an efficient machine for making red dwarfs and b) ~75-80% of all stars are red dwarfs.
As for the system architecture, I've struggled to come up with anything sensible. The below scribbling would make (some) sense, but fails the "always a sun in the sky from anywhere on Kalgash" test, as Dovim will often "fall behind" Onos on its orbit around the barycentre:
Presumably Onos has to pass quite regularly between the Patru/Trey and Sitha/Tano pairs - what this implies for Kalgash's climate and thermal balance I'll leave as an exercise for the reader! Also, the formation history of this system must be weird. Kalgash's complex biosphere implies an age of several billion years, but A and B stars have far shorter life expectancies. Is Onos actually a star that formed elsewhere, which was captured into the system later on?
Anyway. Kalgash orbits Onos, supposedly alone, and there is no night - even if it's only reddish inadequate Dovim, there's always a sun in the sky. Always. Forever. And this sentence is 100% certified to contain no lies, evasions or elided truths of any kind. *Ahem.*
The native Kalganians - supposedly some sort of non-terrestrial non-humanoid life, though the book flip-flops this many times - apparently cope very poorly with darkness. Even as little as 15 minutes in complete dark is apparently enough to induce permanent psychosis. This makes it just as well that Kalgash is a loner object, with no moons or nearby planets or other local bodies that could cause eclipses ... ooops.
Basically, the plot of the novel concerns some scientists who discover evidence of Mass Effect-style periodicities in the collapses of historical civilisations on Kalgash. About every 2000 years, *something* happens that seems to cause people to go collectively go mad and burn down any settlement they might be living in at the time. It seems to be sudden - it stops as soon as it starts - but the destruction is near-complete. And guess what? It's almost 2000 years since the last time civilisation toasted itself.
Meanwhile, Kalganian astronomers have recently developed a theory of universal gravitation, based on studying the motions of the suns (plausible; you'd have a lot of data to work with there). Only there's a problem. Kalgash itself is stubbornly not-quite-conforming to the predictions of the models, and in fact the deviations seem to be getting larger. The theory seems to be wrong - what horror! what sadness! gravity fails!
Or does it? In fact some Kalganian theorists notice something odd - you can explain the planet's motion perfectly if you assume the presence of a second planetary-mass object. Once you plug this in, you can figure out where this body would have to be. The results are ... worrying. You see, this hypothetical Kalgash Two is apparently closing in on Kalgash-Prime. It wonât collide with Kalgash Prime, but it will get close enough to block out sunlight.
Now, the book isn't 100% clear whether Kalgash-Two is a moon or another planet. I think it has to be a planet - its orbit apparently takes 2000 years, which would certainly take a moon entirely outside Kalgash's Hill sphere; Onos would have "snatched it away" onto a stellar orbit. Another oddity is that no-one can see Kalgash-Two - even here on Earth you can see the Moon clearly by day, and given what we know of the dynamics of this system, Two would present a large disk when it enters opposition with Kalgash-Proper. In the book it's speculated that Two's surface rock might be bluish in colour, which might "camouflage" it against the sky. I'm dubious about this - yes, Turquoise-The-Mineral Is A Thing, but an entire planet made of it? To me, this feels a bit "off", geologically.
Anyway, the astronomers realise that if it exists, Kalgash-Two is only a matter of weeks away from by-passing Kalgash itself. And when it does, it will arrive when half the planet has a rare "one-sun" day. That sun is, of course, the red runt Dovim itself, and Two will pass between Kalgash and Dovim. Depending on how big Two is, it could entirely block the sun out. Things are about to get dark! The other five suns will all be on the other side of the planet, but Kalgash rotates, so the other hemisphere will apparently get a taste of darkness too.
Now, note how odd the dynamics of this eclipse are. Apparently the umbra - the region of full shadow - is bigger than Kalgash itself, and the eclipse takes an entire Kalganian rotational period to pass. The book never - IIRC - tells us how fast Kalgash spins. It's certainly possible that a Kalganian "day" is far shorter than a terrestrial one, but it's implied to be at least a dozen or so hours. (The suns don't "move" fast enough against the sky for anything less.) So just how big is Kalgash-Two? To create an eclipse lasting multiple hours, it must be large. Honestly I think it would be hard to do this at a size smaller than that of a gas giant. Is something bigger than Jupiter swinging by, just outside the Roche limit? (No-one on Kalgash notes any seismic events - there's no upsurge in tremors, no disruption to tides or odd behaviour from gravimeters, like you would expect if a super-Jovian body was closing in on you, which is an inconsistency.) Anyway, sure enough, Kalgash Two shows up on queue. Suddenly the reddish gloom of a one-sun day starts to darken, and the horrified masses look up to see a massive bite eating into the side of Dovim! Rapidly and with maximum fuss, the sun goes out! Basically what happens next is like "Pitch Black", except with mad people instead of cannibalistic alien monsters. You'll note I haven't said a lot about the characters yet. There's not a lot to say - they're all very much "straight from central casting". They aren't objectionable, but they're not particularly memorable either. The plot itself has two threads - the astronomers' growing concerns about the impending disaster, which in turn puts them into conflict with a politically-influential cult, who claim to be preparing for the imminent return of "the stars". While the book is formulaic and the characters are fairly-average, it is a fun read; the pages turn without too much difficulty!
In case anyone's wondering about where exactly the authorities are in all of this, well, on eclipse night they prove completely useless. If I remember correctly, the government fails to take any warnings seriously and officials dismiss the astronomers as cranks. Basically theyâre running on âJanuary to March 2020âł rules - sadly I can no longer dismiss this pattern of behaviour as unrealistic, depressing as that is! When the night itself arrives, IIRC, the staff at the local power company manage to go mad ahead of almost everyone else (apparently there were no bulbs inside the turbine hall, or something) and their rampage plunges Saro City into the worst-timed power outage ever. Also, making matters worse, Saro probably didn't have any municipal lighting (because why would it?) and apparently most people don't have much in the way of torches or candles at home. So the darkness-maddened people react by torching everything that will burn (fire = light = MASS PYROMANIA!). How they're all able to find matches while a) utterly-demented and b) fumbling around in the dark ... yeah, that never gets explained.
Now we arrive at another oddity: on the night itself, people actually are able to see. They can see the stars without any trouble - which makes no sense. Why would their eyes be evolved to function in low-light conditions? But see the stars they do. There are several pages of the astronomers (those who survive the first few hours of the eclipse-chaos) boggling at the sheer scale of the universe they find themselves in. (In fairness, this is quite a cinematic moment ... basically the ~400 years of the Copernican revolution, which wasn't really "complete" here until Hubble demonstrated that the Great Nebula of Andromeda was a physically-separate galaxy in the 1920s? Kalgash's scientists get the entire thing, mainlined into their stunned brains in about 1 hour.
Their disorientation is certainly understandable.
Incidentally, there's another astronomical oddity here. Kalgash Two should be visible - a dark disc blocking out the sky in the direction where Dovim "should" be - but no-one remarks on it. Also, Two seems to have no atmosphere at all, because Kalgash-Proper doesn't experience any total-lunar-eclipse style blood-Moon. (What exactly is Two? It has to be at least as large as a gas giant, but it's also airless? What is this thing? Is it a planet at all?) Anyway, the eclipse does eventually end, after a few hours. While there are survivors, society has essentially collapsed. The damage is roughly the same as a median-scenario Great Powers nuclear exchange would be here on Earth (except minus the craters and radioactivity).
Just think - if the utilities provider for Saro City hadn't pulled an ERCOT, it's quite possible they could have got through the night without a mass casualty event. While people would have been frightened, if they'd had working lights to huddle around while Two passes by overhead, they might have been able to ride it out. But that didn't happen, of course. (If I was a cynic, I might say the real story of "Nightfall" is the cost of inept/crony-coddling infrastructure policies when the once-in-a-century event pays you its rare-but-inevitable visit.) Anyway, the ending of the book, unfortunately, is pure Silverberg. That is to say, it's rushed, lazy and addresses none of the themes, character-development or even some of the earlier plot-events of the book. On the last two pages of the book, the surviving scientists decide to join forces with the menacing theocratic star-cult, because apparently religious totalitarianism is somehow the only way to save the world, post-nightfall. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaah. Incidentally, here we see some of the typical narrative ticks of a certain sort of mid-century SF writer. Note how any sort of change (nightfall! social chaos!) just *has* to be BAD and SCARY, and they instantly seek refuge in anti-democratic authoritarianism. You see this tick a lot in so-called "Golden Age" writers - it's almost a trope of their behaviour. (It's also interesting given the cross-links between people like Heinlein and the military/industrial complex, or Pournelle and the GOP.) So the TL;DR summary ... "Nightfall" is a novel that follows the spirit of hard SF (if not the letter, as seen above) and has some iffy ideological/mimetic moments ... but, it works as a potboiler and (disappointing ending aside) is definitely a fun read. Just don't expect the celestial mechanics to be in any way workable.
Oh, and here comes Kalgash Two...
#LHS reads#books 2021#Nightfall#Isaac Asmiov#Robert Silverberg#another post where I nitpick all the astronomy
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adrenaline
i knew what i was gonna write about for this prompt and this just gave me ammo i needed
Bruce sneaks Dick a granola bar while theyâre getting ready, where it no doubt gets pushed in his pocket along with the one Alfred would have slipped him earlier. The big grin it earns Bruce is its own repayment, in addition to the intended lack of moaning about starvation later.
Thereâs not exactly a shortage of food at these galas, not really, but thereâs not much for a nine-year-old who is as unadventurous with food as he is adventurous in every other aspect of his life. The granola bars will at least keep him satisfied, but no doubt heâll still devour every crumb of the meal Alfred makes him later.
âI canât even do a cartwheel in these,â Dick is saying, pulling at the waistband of his suit trousers with a frown.
âCartwheels arenât a requirement for tonight, pal,â Bruce replies, twitching his dinner jacket into place. âNeed help with your bowtie?â
âAlfred does it better than you,â he says, which is true, but still amusing in its bluntness. âBut thanks. Hey, can we get pizza later?â
Bruce pretends to think about it, tapping his chin. The truth of the matter is that Dick will happily eat Alfredâs pre-patrol meal tonight, and then a slice of pizza afterward too. Bruce at this point suspects Dickâs legs might be hollow, but the one time he mentioned it Alfred had just smiled and called Dick âa growing boyâ.
âOn one condition,â Bruce proposes after a moment. âIâd like for you to try three things off of the buffet table tonight.â
Dick makes a tortured face. âBut B...â
âThatâs the deal,â Bruce says. âThree things. No more, no less.â
âBut what if itâs poisoned?â
This is Gotham, so thatâs not a completely unrealistic scenario, but Bruce just gives Dick a look. âI carry several common antitoxins on my person. Youâll be fine.â
âWhat if it just tastes like poison?â Dickâs big eyes are piteous.
âThen youâll have learned something, and earned that pizza later,â Bruce says, amused but unmoved. âCome on, chum. You might find you like something. And if you do, we can ask Alfred to make it for you.â After all, the kid surely canât exist on two varieties of sandwich (tuna, and peanut butter) forever. Bruce is sure he ate more than that at Dickâs age.
Dick sighs, long-suffering. âFine.â
Bruce holds out a hand. âShake on it?â
Dick sticks his tiny hand into Bruceâs, which dwarfs it. His grip is firm. âShake on it.â
*
The gala is a bustle of people and gossip and handshakes and cheek kisses. Itâs the cheerful burble of Dickâs voice that keeps him grounded, these days. Heâs a social child, pulling away from Bruceâs side far more often than Bruce would like in order to talk to someone or do something. He trails smiles in his wake, has people saying to Bruce how delightful he is.
âHear that, Bruce?â Dick says in a lull between crowds. âIâm delightful.â
âYouâre something,â Bruce teases, though of course he agrees. Heâs watching Dick peruse the food set aside on the buffet table, the typical fancy finger foods caterers favour for events like this. âDid you pick something yet?â
âYes,â Dick says, and then winces theatrically as he picks up a raw oyster nestled in its shell.
âDickie, pal, you donât need to pick the nastiest looking thing laid out,â Bruce points out. Heâs personally fairly fond of oysters, but he can admit theyâre not what he would have enjoyed at Dickâs age.
âYes I do,â Dick says, eyeing the glistening thing with some trepidation. âI watched people having them earlier. I know how to do it.âÂ
âWell, youâre certainly upholding your end of the bargain,â Bruce notes as Dick shoots the oyster like a pro. Thereâs something to be said for his impressive observational skills. âHow is it?â
Dick swallows, and then smacks his lips. âHuh. Not bad, really. Kinda slimy.â
âThey are, a little,â Bruce agrees, gently scruffing his hair. Dickâs not old enough to scowl over it - he grins instead.
âDoesnât taste much like tuna,â Dick says thoughtfully as he deposits the shell in the discrete trashcan under the table, âOh, hello there!â
The next group of people is here, wanting to talk WE shares and expensive vacations. Bruce laughs over the stock market like he doesnât spend the time each day reading the reports, and mentions skiing in Austria and tanning in Thailand like he leaves Gotham for anything that isnât Batman-related.
Maybe he should look into a vacation, actually. Dick would likely love it, even if they went somewhere not too far from the city, but the opportunity to take him overseas to explore is almost too good to pass up. Dick would love London, he thinks, but thereâs also any number of Italian cities where the weather is better. But then, he canât imagine Dick would be interested in church tours and art galleries with dozens of paintings of Mother Mary...
A little hand tugs at his jacket. Bruce, prepared for the sweet piping of Dickâs cheery voice asking something, looks down a moment later when it doesnât come.
Dick is looking back up at him with a faintly surprised expression. âI feel funny.â
His face is pale, his mouth parted while he breathes quickly through it. Bruce drops to a knee and feels for his pulse, finding it racing. Heâs forced to steady Dick when he sways.
For a moment Bruce genuinely does think, poison. But then the paranoia retreats a touch and he asks, âYour throat, how does it feel?â
âItchy,â Dick says. âCanât breathe too good.â
âOkay,â Bruce says, and then eases him off his feet so heâs lying down right there on the ballroom floor. His own heart is pounding in his chest. He says to the people gathered around them both, the ones heâd forgotten about until now, âDoes anyone have an epipen?â
Thereâs a rush of murmuring around him, but no immediate answer. Meanwhile, Dick is starting to audibly wheeze, and his expression is moving from confused to panicked. He grasps as Bruceâs wrists with unsteady fingers, eyes wide.
âItâs okay,â Bruce soothes, rubbing gently at Dickâs chest. Heâs frighteningly aware of how fragile the boyâs ribs are, how easily theyâll break under the pressure of CPR. âJust stay calm, okay? Youâre going to be alright.â
Dick, lips faintly blue-tinged, stares up at him and gasps. He looks as though he isnât processing, and Bruce is already making half-flung plans of getting him to a hospital, or the possible necessity of doing a tracheotomy right here. He can do one, has the training, but he doesnât want to.
âIâve called an ambulance,â someone says from over his shoulder.
âSir!â A wonderful, welcome, familiar voice calls just then. Alfred appears as if from nowhere, cradling a bright yellow autoinjector in his hand. He flicks the cap off and hands it over to Bruce, who jabs it into Dickâs thigh through his trousers without pausing.
Alfred kneels across from him, pressing a hand to Dickâs forehead as though checking for a fever. He meets Bruceâs eyes and murmurs, âThank goodness for paranoia. Iâve been carrying that resuscitation kit in the town car for months now.â
âThank god,â Bruce says, and itâs only because the danger isnât over yet that it doesnât come out shaky.
Dick murmurs, âOh!â A little bit of colour is leeching back into his face already, and his breathing looks a touch easier.Â
âThe ambulance is here,â someone says, and Bruce hefts Dick up in his arms immediately to go to them rather than wait. His breathing sounds worse up close, but thereâs a little strength in his fingers when he fists at Bruceâs lapel.
âBruce?â he asks, sounding woozy. âI donât feel...â
He gags and then vomits down his front, blinking afterwards as though surprised. Bruce doesnât pause at that, but he does a little when Dick, after a moment, begins to cry.
âHush, pal,â Bruce says lowly. âItâs okay. Youâre not well, but youâre going to be okay.â
Dick clings to him harder. âI feel bad.â
âI know,â Bruce says. âItâs the adrenaline. Hey, up we go.â
He passes Dick up into the waiting arms of the paramedic, but is stymied when Dick doesnât actually release him.
âDonât leave me,â he bawls, tears running down his cheeks. âPlease, B.â
âHey, your dadâs not going anywhere,â the paramedic soothes. âHe just needs to get in here without tripping and squashing you, huh?â
âIâm right here,â Bruce says, climbing up into the ambulance too. The paramedic lays Dick down on the gurney, and he instantly rolls up like a pillbug on his side except for the hand clinging hard to Bruce. Aware that heâs about to be in the way and not caring, Bruce kneels by the gurney so Dickâs arm isnât at a bad angle.
âHeâs had one dose of adrenaline,â he tells the paramedic, and then, âHey, Dickie. What did you eat tonight?â
âUm,â Dick says tearfully. âUm, the oyster. And then I had another oyster, and maybe one more. Because you said three things, but you didnât say they didnât have to be different things, right?â
âThatâs true,â Bruce tells him. âClever. But I think we might skip the shellfish from now on.â
âThey werenât that bad,â Dick sobs. The paramedic is fitting him with an oxygen mask and a blood pressure cuff, and then putting a blanket over his legs.
âWeâre about to leave, Dad,â the second paramedic says from up front in the cab. âYou ready to go?â
Bruce casts a quick glance down at his hands, which are shaking like they never, ever do, and then says, âYes.â
*
Once theyâre at the hospital, things move fairly quickly, and not only because heâs Bruce Wayne. Dick, still leaking the odd miserable tear, is placed in a curtained cubicle and put on a drip of steroids and antihistamines.
As soon as the staff stop bustling around and leave them with promises to check in soon, Bruce hitches himself up on the edge of the bed beside Dick. Dick instantly leans into him, snuffling into his shirt.
âHow are you feeling, pal?â Bruce asks gently.
âItchy,â Dick mumbles, âBut better.â His lips and cheeks are swollen and thereâs a big rash across his abdomen, but his breathing is coming fairly easily now. ââm sorry.â
Bruce blinks. âFor what?â
âI, um, I made a fuss,â Dick replies, which Bruce translates into I got scared.Â
âYou had a good reason,â Bruce points out. âIâm not mad. I was worried about you.â
Internally, heâs feeling the tickle of guilt that tells him, sly, itâs your fault. He couldnât have known, of course, that their little deal would lead to this, but when heâs cradling his usually fearless boy in a hospital bed itâs very difficult to see it that way.
âOkay,â Dick agrees. He sounds sleepy now, like the drama has worn him out. âPizza later?â
âYeah, Dickie,â Bruce says, settling him so heâs comfortable snuggled into Bruceâs side under the blankets. âWeâll get pizza later.â
#whumptober2019#no.13#adrenaline#my fic#batwhump2k19#young dick grayson#dick grayson#bruce wayne#food allergies#anaphylaxis#this is not very medically accurate#if you were wondering#but we're here for the drama
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show me your rosettes, baby (g)
summary: The world tour is over and the Bangtan Boys finally get their well-deserved break. When Namjoon suddenly canât find Jimin anywhere, things take an unexpected and pretty unbelievable turn. âKim Namjoon!â âHyung. How common is it for people to turn into cats?â
word count: 27.8k (strap in, guys) note: wow sorry for not uploading here. i uploaded on ao3 but forgot to put it on my tumblr blog. which probably doesnât matter... unless there are still people reading this fic on here. If thatâs you, have fun.  ⨠warnings: graphic depictions of blood and wounds
masterlist | moodboard masterlist
[ prologue | one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight ]
When Namjoon exits Bang Sihyukâs office, head heavy and heart low, the coolness of the hallway air is the first thing he notices. Itâs a refreshing change to the tension that had lingered in the office and kind of added an uncomfortable pressure to every breath, to every thought. The second thing he notices is that Yoongi is sitting on the leather couch, on his phone while holding up Jimin against his neck. The little cat sleeps comfortably. Even from over here, Namjoon can see the little belly rising and falling with every breath.
âHyung,â he whispers, not wanting to disrupt the sacred peace.
Yoongi looks up from his phone and scoots to the side so Namjoon can sit comfortably beside him. Jiminâs tail flicks once but the kitty just sniffles and sighs against Yoongiâs throat.
âHe sleeps so well,â Namjoon comments.
âFell asleep right away. Such a cute little baby. Even with paint all over his fur.â
Itâs a hidden question and Yoongiâs natural way of asking for what had happened when he doesnât want to accuse or cast blame or make anyone feel bad. When Namjoon just hangs his head low, heâs got his answer.
âDo you think weâll get it out?â
âAm I Min Yoongi or not?â
Okay. Itâll all be okay, hyung will take care of it. Yoongi is good at repairing things, has fixed almost as many things as Namjoon has broken - which is a lot, needless to say, and not even half of it has been captured on camera.
âSo, what did Pdnim say?â âHe said that we canât tell the members about this.â
When Yoongi doesnât say anything in return, fingers quietly curling up into a fist on his lap, Namjoon doesnât need words to understand the storm inside his hyung.
âNot ever?â âJust for a while.â
âWell,â Yoongi snorts, âgood luck with that. Youâre shit at keeping secrets.â
âHyung. I always do my best-â
âYou always blurt out secret stuff. Youâre the worst out of all of us.â
âThatâs not true.â
Yoongi turns to look into his eyes, looking highly unimpressed. Itâs a little unsettling how much it resembles Jiminâs look from this morning, when Namjoonâs elbow had accidentally pushed over Jiminâs little bowl of tuna right after he had filled it up. Itâs pure disbelief and annoyance in one glance.
âOkay,â he admits, âmaybe it is true.â
Satisfied, Yoongi sits back, checking in on Jimin gently and brushing his fingers through the fluffy fur, which earns him the sleepy beginnings of a purr.
âIn any case,â he begins, âwe donât have to worry about keeping secrets if Jimin doesnât turn back soon anyway.â
And yes, thatâs a good point. And strangely, itâs got Namjoon thinking. In the beginning of this, heâd hoped for Jimin to turn back as fast as possible but now? Maybe it wouldnât be so bad if heâd stay a cat for a bit longer, just long enough for the members to find out (because Pdnim had only made him promise to not tell the members, and not to hide Jimin from them) and then turn back so they are able to prepare for the comeback. Yes, that would be perfect, even if he canât imagine how it must feel to be a cat for Jimin.
âAnyway, Iâll be in the studio,â Yoongi says and just gets up without even waiting. âSlow Rabbit-hyung sent me my beats back, so Iâll work on that. Donât worry about getting take out, Iâll cook tonight. Just text me when you and Sejin-hyung are done shopping.â
âKay, hyung. Thank you.â
âDonât forget the rubbing alcohol.â
Namjoon signs that he understands and sits back, rubbing his face. He really wishes he could be as stoic as Yoongi. Sure, the guy has a hot whirlwind of emotions on the inside, emotions that tear deeper into his heart tissue than he lets on, but just the fact that Jimin has been able to fall asleep on his chest is a huge testament to the calmness he radiates. Namjoon knows that he will probably never acquire that level of calm that Yoongi has. Most of the time, his fingers and brain and motor skills just donât⌠line up and that resulting clumsiness flows into his aura and disrupts every inch of serenity he could even build up. Maybe thatâs why Jimin loves to be scooped up by Yoongi. Why he rests so peacefully in Yoongiâs arms instead of wiggling around like he does in Namjoonâs.
Finally, Sejin comes out of the office as well.
âReady to go?â
After their first couple of hours of treading through a couple of stores and ticking off a couple of items from Sejinâs list (even the rubbing alcohol), Namjoon feels like heâs swallowed a stone. Worry presses into his belly like an unremovable weight, inducing a stomach ache and a wandering mind. Thereâs so many things going through Namjoonâs mind that he doesnât even pay attention, just strolling after Sejin, careful enough to not get lost but otherwise unresponsive to the world. Heâs got sunglasses on, a good enough disguise to avoid showing people the storm in his eyes. They walk and walk and by the time they finally sit back in Sejinâs car, two shopping bags in the trunk, and drive on, Namjoon has created and dismissed a good six plans of action that seemed perfect at first and then turned out to be either impossible or unrealistic. He really doesnât know what to do and coming back to his first issue - not being allowed to tell the members - almost drives his mind into overdrive.
How on earth does Pdnim expect me to take care of Jimin when I have to hide his secret identity? Because in the end, Namjoon is convinced that thatâs exactly what it is - Jimin turning into a baby leopard for days counts as having a secret identity. And Yoongi was right - Namjoon is terrible at keeping secrets from the public. From the members? Even worse. Multiple scenarios run through his mind. He spills the tea in all of them. Itâs just not- Namjoon just canât imagine living with Jimin and practically raising him, experiencing the highs and lows of a developing character, of a developing person, celebrating first successes and mourning losses together and then not telling the members. Itâs almost like the universe had heard Namjoonâs wish for a child of his own - and then given him a child he canât show to his members. In some way, itâs ridiculous because he knows with all his being that he would have never managed to raise any of the maknaes without Jin or Hobi. The only relief is that Yoongi knows. Pragmatic Yoongi who can do anything he tries. Thatâs the only relief, Namjoon thinks.
All this rumbling discomfort inside his head makes Namjoon want to focus on something else, something outside of himself. He doesnât want to acknowledge the ugly feeling of being alone - I am not alone. I will never be alone. It might take some time to dismantle all the lies that pop up in his head every now and then but not giving them the attention they cry out for is a first step. Namjoonâs fingertips tingle on the car windowâs cold, wet glass.
Outside, Seoul has been dipped into an agitated grey glow thatâs certainly thanks to the white clouds above, not a precious white, not a clean white either. Itâs an old, used up white that reminds Namjoon of old carpets in need of thorough cleaning. Only a few seconds later, the thick clouds canât hold their ugliness anymore and spill over with thick drops. Itâs comforting, to see another thing burst out of their normal state - Namjoon feels the heavy rhythm of the water on the car and the relating echo in his soul. I wish I could spill over so carelessly too. But he canât, he promised, so he just turns his consciousness back to the hazy grey of the world behind the window and sighs.
The more he focuses on the rain, the way that less and less people walk the streets, the thrum that tunes out everything else, the more heâs drawn to his memories with his members, almost as if the melancholy outside had snuck inside his head and drawn out memories of comfort.
Namjoon sees Taehyung sitting on his bed in their shared room. Yeontan lies halfway draped over his lap, napping with big hands carding through his fur softly. Outside, it is raining, inside, it is quiet that day.
âI want to write a song about the rain,â Taehyung says in a hushed tone, never taking his eyes off the window.
âWhat do you want to write?âÂ
Namjoon loves this about the younger boy - he can never really pinpoint whatâs going on in Taehyungâs mind - Taehyungâs mind is a beautiful maze of creativity and emotions. Just inspiring - like listening to a new song for the first time and falling in love with it because it connects to something inside of you so deeply that not listening to it makes you feel like something is missing in your soul.
âThe way rain falls - we think itâs sad because itâs water and water has so many purposes,â Taehyung pauses, âin summer, we play with it. We see it in the ocean, we drink it. But when it rains, the drops are reduced to falling, only falling helplessly. The fall must feel endless, the way we have nightmares of falling sometimes. Maybe thatâs why people think rain is sad.â
Namjoon hums, trying not to let the intense amazement at those philosophical thoughts ruin their serene atmosphere.
âDo you want it to be a sad song?â
âNo,â Taehyung says, âit should be comforting. Because water lives in a circle and falling means nothing if you know that your home is in the clouds, above the world and that youâll always find your way back home. If you know this, even hitting the ground is not scary anymore. Rain is not sad - itâs a reminder that everything will be alright. Rain means donât worry, youâll be okay soon.â
Namjoon feels his heart swelling even now, even here in the car, as they drive through the streets of Seoul, passing taxis, business people, students and everyone else. No one knows this, no one else has shared this  moment with Taehyung, no one else thinks about rain just the same way. Not yet, anyway, not until the song has been finished. Namjoon loves these secrets that they have, these secrets and songs that are theirs to guard until itâs time to entrust them to the world. Not just once, heâs drawn strength from them. And now too, it makes him smile fondly. I love my members. Iâd do anything for them. I can do this, too. Hitting the ground is okay, no matter how much it hurts. I will always find back home. Fighting, Namjoon.
Beside him, Sejin smiles. They pull up to the pet store.
Now, Namjoon is ready to stroll through pet store aisles with a pout on his lips and his shoulders hanging low, mind absently digging through his list of issues and his spiderweb of possible solutions. He is prepared to pick between red and blue and pink and green cat toys (which is stupid because cats are probably color-blind like dogs, right?) and to look for the fluffy stick-thingy Yoongi had mentioned. Heâs ready to ask store employees for help when he canât find litter boxes after half an hour of searching and yet suspecting that heâs run past them at least five times.
Thereâs one employee whoâs keeping an eye on him (Namjoon can feel the gaze on his skin and wonders whether heâs starting to develop some sort of clairvoyant powers now that Jimin turned into a leopard) and whether itâs because she recognized him or whether heâs a suspicious customer, running through the same aisle five times, looking around helplessly and not even having one product in his hands despite having been in the store for half an hour now (yeah, thatâs probably it). In the back of his mind, he still tries to figure out why in the world he would ever say yes when Sihyuk asked him if he would be okay on his own because he wanted to get something for his own dog as well. Sweat rolls down his back when his eyes go up and the employee has moved to stand directly in front of him.
âHello, customer-ssi,â she greets, sweetly but with a flat tone, âhow may I help you?â
âI, uh, Iâm looking for uh, cat toys. For my cat.â
A shudder of as if that needed elaborating, Namjoon runs through Namjoonâs head and he knows that if Yoongi was standing next to him right now, he would facepalm and move away, stew in second-hand embarrassment from a safe distance. He smiles when the employee giggles softly and likes to think that just maybe, his stupid reply may have been a tiny spark of light in her boring work day, something to laugh about. Itâs nice.
âOkay, the cat section is here,â she leads him over to another aisle that - no kidding - Namjoon didnât even see before. Despite the big sign overhead. Am I blind- âyou were standing in the mixed aisle before, so youâll probably have better chances finding what you want here.â
He blushes, because this is really embarrassing, and thanks her with a nod. She probably thinks that heâs cute, or handsome, or whatever the nation thinks about him nowadays, but then he dares to look at her eyes and realizes that no, thatâs not it, she probably thinks heâs a poor customer who doesnât have a clue about anything because then she has mercy on him, yes, thatâs a recognizable spark in her eyes that Seokjin also has when dealing with the mess Namjoon is and makes, and she asks, âHave you filled out the questionnaire yet?â
And see, thatâs another thing that makes Namjoon feel so damn clueless. How was he supposed to know there was a questionnaire? Does every customer here fill it out? Or just the helpless idols?
âQuestionnaire?â
âYes, well. You look a little-â she pauses, has to pick her words carefully because he is a customer and she doesnât want to upset him (but the way she smiles like sheâs giggling inside really lessens the punch) â-like this is your first time buying stuff for your cat. The questionnaire might help you figure out what type of cat yours is.â
Oh. Thereâs different types of cats?
âNo, I havenât.â
âHavenât filled out the questionnaire or havenât bought cat necessities?â (For your cat, Namjoonâs brain adds, just to taunt him. He winces.)
âNeither.â
âOh, no worries,â that sounds cheerful, âI can help you, if youâd like.â
He nods graciously, genuinely thankful for her help although heâd usually insist on solitary shopping. Normally, people recognize him too quickly and the rest of his shopping trip turns into a race (it really feels like that sometimes) to get through the store without causing too much of a mass revolt in the streets (although in Korea itâs better than in other places). The woman - her name tag says Lee Kyungmi in an elegant font - pulls out a sheet of paper from somewhere and leads him to a quiet corner with two armchairs that are so fancy that for the first time in the whole half an hour heâs been here, Namjoon realizes how high-end the store actually is. Of course Sejin wouldnât just take him to any store - they had to go to the frickinâ best because well, customer service, right? Confidentiality. Anonymity. Quality. Like so many other instances in his life, Namjoon is grateful for Sejinâs clear head.
âLetâs start here,â Kyungmi and points to the first question. âHave you shopped with us before?â
He ticks the box for âNoâ. Back when his family adopted Rapmon, they had bought all the stuff for her in some store in Ilsan and when he says they, he means mostly his mother and his sister.
âTick the type of animal youâre shopping for.â He ticks cat and moves on. âHow old is your pet?â And thatâs where it gets complicated for the first time but Namjoon pulls through diligently and writes, âa few months.â Because while itâs difficult to guess and itâs not like he can just ask anyone to find out Jiminâs age let alone ask Jimin himself, Namjoon has seen documentaries about leopards and Jimin is definitely not a one year old leopard yet. Thank God. âWhatâs your petâs breed?â
Well. That answer takes a while but Namjoon doesnât want to look any more incompetent in front of the staff who is so kind to order them both a coffee from the storeâs cafĂŠ further in the back. Namjoon is aware that he clearly canât write leopard, so he settles for mixed breed. Mixed. Leopard and human.
âDoes your pet spend most of its time inside or outside?â
And like that, Namjoon spends a good twenty minutes on answering all the questions on his petâs fur, the living environment, the food (he improvises a little because yeah, of course heâs feeding Jimin only cat food from the can, of course, heâd never let him have stuff from the table) etc etc until he stops at the end of the page, smiling like heâs just won an award because finishing the questionnaire really feels that way. Until he lifts the paper. And sees the back. More questions.
âThereâs a back!? How much do you want to know about my, uh, pet? Isnât this like a pet tinder?â
Kyungmi laughs more, visibly unable to contain her bright laughter that seems a little out of place in this reverently quiet store (which is not that different from most high-end stores Namjoonâs visited) and Namjoonâs heart blooms when he thinks about the fact that he can make people laugh like that even without his music and rap and stage presence. Even on his own, without the members next to him.
âThis is definitely not pet tinder, weâve got a register for that in the back for registered pets. The next questions will be about your petâs character. Whether itâs energetic or calm or a little diva. This information helps us to find the perfect toys and equipment for your pet and also, mix some customized food for the little one.â
Namjoon is stunned. If Jimin even knew the lengths I go for him today⌠Namjoon is glad that they moved to the chairs. They are comfortable, like lounge chairs in waiting rooms in the backstage areas of broadcasting stations. Chairs to fall asleep in. He can see Sejin strolling somewhere through the aisles, probably making use of the situation to buy stuff for his childrenâs pets as well.
âWhat is your petâs favorite activity?â Jimin had enjoyed chasing that frog - hunting?
âWhat sets your pet apart from others?â Heâs not actually a pet- its cuteness?
âDoes it enjoy cuddling? Does it have a favorite person?â Yes, yes, yes. Definitely. He loves all his hyungs. - Do pets even have hyungs?
âDoes it tolerate other people or pets in its territory?â Loves people, loves pets.
âHow does it react in critical situations, e.g. when itâs taken to the vet?â âŚ
Namjoon huffs. All the questions make sense but he canât help but feel like the helplessly falling rain drops on their way into the sewers. Thereâs only so much to know about kitty Jimin after three days and his mind doesnât seem to understand that the questionnaire definitely only wants answers about cat Jimin. Ah, this is difficult. Heâs not sure whether Jimin has ever been to the vet even as a human (and suddenly, his mind canât stop thinking about the possibility of having to take leopard Jimin to the vet for an examination - and all the shit human Jimin will give him for it afterwards). He groans and maybe thatâs a sign for Kyungmi to start speaking.
âIf you canât or donât want to fill out everything, thatâs fine too. Iâll do my best to help you nonetheless.â
When he hands the questionnaire over and sheâs read the answers, Kyungmi gets up and starts walking towards the cat section. Namjoon does his best to keep up and follow. Like the competent store staff she seems to be, Kyungmi grabs products with sure eyes and quick hands and puts them all into a basket while she explains.
âFirst of all, keeping a pet is both a great decision and a huge responsibility and we are proud of you for adopting your catâ, welp, Namjoon thinks, Iâm living a lie, but then again, it does sort of feel like he adopted Jimin - just maybe in a different way, 7 years ago⌠âbesides food, you need a variety of items to make your pet feel at home and cared for. Since your cat spends a lot of time inside and outside, youâll need to brush its fur not only to clean it but also to check for ticks and other little insects that could be hidden underneath. Now, you wrote that your cat is a short-hair breed, so this is our shampoo segment for short fur. We recommend this one, this is a scent-free shampoo from a brand that only produces vegan and pet-friendly stuff. If you would like to check out this product line over here, we can surely find-â
The first package in Namjoonâs hands says âall fur typesâ on the front in red, big letters. Namjoon canât help but wonder - is it really for all fur types? Would those shampoo companies develop their shampoo for wild cats too? Do wild cats have the same fur as small domestic cats? Namjoon isnât bold enough to ask. But am I really the only person with this issue? In his head, Namjoon browses through all his contacts. Sadly, all the people he knows either have no pets or have never mentioned any pets and there are no shifters Namjoon knows other than Jimin. Suddenly, a thought pops up. I have seen wild cats before - at the zoo! Surely zoo employees would know which fur products are adequate for leopards, right? But... do we know anyone at the zoo? If not, can we just call them and ask? Is that a normal question? Do they have a hotline for desperate pet owners? It sounds⌠unlikely but Namjoon reminds himself that heâs an independent rain drop falling helplessly that only needs to find its way back home. He calls Yoongi.
âNamjoon? You alright?â
Yoongi sounds sleepy. Yoongi would never be bothered to worry about falling from the clouds. Namjoon excuses himself from Kyungmi and walks a few steps away. He whispers.
âHyung, do we anyone who works at the zoo?â
âWhy are you whispering? Also, I donât know? Why are you asking?â
âItâsâŚâ, the words Iâm overwhelmed by the amount of cat shampoo in this shop and you were the first person I thought to call because I donât think thereâs an actual zoo hotline I could call for help sound a bit ridiculous, so Namjoon figures heâll solve this problem on his own. âAh, no, itâs nothing. Sorry for calling, hyung.â
âNo, I just donât understand⌠but maybe ask Tae? Heâs the people expert.â
âThanks, Hyung! Sleep well.â
âIâm not sleeping.â
His voice is raspy, deep. A little purr comes through the phone and Namjoon can just picture it - Yoongi on his sofa, head on a pillow, Jimin on his chest. Napping. He ends the call. A new image pops up in his mind - isnât there some YouTube channel Jimin and Jungkook watch sometimes? Some guy who takes care of lions and leopards? Something like that? A⌠Dan Richard? Just Richard? Suddenly, Namjoon wishes heâd paid a little more attention to his dongsaengâs YouTube interests. Maybe Iâll look this Richard guy up and ask for help. He thinks he remembers that Jungkook had once exclaimed that the guy was famous and that he would love to visit that place one day - that he would love to just meet the lions too, play with them. Jungkook is a thrill-seeker. Heâs crazy. But now, Namjoon smiles. Iâll definitely text him. Later.
Kyungmi still smiles politely when he turns back to her and carries on with her informative rant about shampoo.
Namjoon feels like his arm is ready to fall off after having carried his little basket of cat stuff for only ten minutes. Kyungmi is still giving him a lecture on how to measure his darling petâs temperature (revelation of the day - one does not simply take the temperature in the catâs mouth, no) when his eyes flick to the toys just a few shelves further. To be honest, Namjoon has never ever in his life imagined to stick a thermometer any place other than Jiminâs ears or mouth and he figures he shouldnât start now, so he starts slinking away slowly, step by step. Itâs unsettling how guilty he feels for ignoring Kyungmiâs speech - why do I feel so guilty?
But the toys are beckoning him over like nothing else in this store and then, heâs standing in front of them. Heâs happy, somehow, and thinks that if he were an Animal Crossing character, he would start having sparkles or flowers around his head right now, blushing and swaying on his feet. Sejin sends him a thumbs up from where heâs sitting in the lounge chairs from before, two fancy paper bags at his feet.
Wow, thereâs so much variation, Namjoon thinks, surprised that people have come up with so many things just to entertain their pets. Kyungmi comes up next to him, still cheerful, still in her element and not seeming like sheâs mad at him for escaping her waterfall-like explanation speeches.
âI would recommend a chewing toy of some sort,â she says, pointing at some boxes. âYou wrote that heâs only a few months old, so he might still be teething.â
âYeah, he chews on our fingers a lot,â Namjoon agrees and grabs a little heart shaped pillow that looks good to bite into. For cats. It resembles Tata a little bit but probably not enough to make Jimin feel guilty for chewing it up.
âIs this good?â
âDepends,â Kyungmi says and brings out something from the aisle on the opposite site, âdoes your cat get distracted easily?â
âSometimes?â
Jimin generally has a good concentration span. But when other people are around, it sure is easier for him to get distracted. The burdens of a people-oriented mind.
âWell, we always recommend toys with safe seams, adequate texturing, organic materials and a high fun factor for your cat. Of course it should also be washable, with all the slobber and dirt it will encounter. Are you looking for a toy with catnip or without?â
Catnip? Namjoon has heard of it. Of course. Who hasnât seen those cat videos on YouTube with cats going crazy after taking a whiff of catnip? Usually, they roll around in it and then nap the high off, which seems harmless. But heâs not sure whether thatâs a good idea. Isnât catnip like a drug for cats? If so, the agency probably wonât allow it. Also, Namjoon really doesnât want to drug Jimin.
âWithout, please.â
âAre you sure? It does help to create a bigger and longer interest for a toy. Not all cats like it, but most do. But if you want, we can find other toys that are interesting for your cat.â
Namjoon nods and together, they decide on a couple of hand-sewn mice with dangling twisted rope tails for Jimin to chase. The eyes are sewn on to prevent swallowing. The mice almost look too cute to buy and the thought of finding them wet and chewn out on the sofa makes Namjoon wrinkle his nose in disgust but then his mind wanders to the little picked apart frog Jimin had killed in their backyard and thatâs enough motivation to buy them all. Kyungmi hands him another chew toy that has some floss material on it and she explains that it not only helps with dental hygiene but that it is also supposed to lessen bad breath. We definitely need that, Namjoon thinks, quietly to himself, because every petâs breath stinks. Thatâs just a universal fact. Sorry, Jimin.
âDo you want it in blue or pink?â
Honestly, after all the running around, the two quickly filling shopping bags that weigh down his arms and the relentless chatter from Kyungmi, this simple question sinks the ship. As much as Namjoon enjoys picking stuff for his dongsaengs, heâs tired. Does it matter? Does the color really matter? He doesnât know whether future human Jimin would be offended by his choices when it comes down to colors but he does know that Jimin is particular about style. Kitten Jimin however is a completely different story that Namjoon actually doesnât know anything about. He might have a completely different taste from his human counterpart. The only thing Namjoon knows is that Seokjin once bought a hat for Jimin that the dancer thought was completely hideous. The next time he saw it was in Hoseokâs section of their shared wardrobe. Up to this day, Jimin hasnât worn it even once.
âWe also have them in yellow, green and black, if you think heâd like those better,â Kyungmi adds, not even aware of the trouble sheâs causing. No, Namjoon does not know if Jimin would like those better because Jimin is not Jungkook and not Yoongi and will therefore not sympathize with the black toy by default.
For a second, Namjoon tries to put himself in Jiminâs shoes. These toys are gonna stay with him for a while. What if he doesnât like them and we have to keep them until we are in Seoul the next time? Even if we order stuff, if we are on the road, we wonât get them delivered and Jimin will have to make do with these. Namjoon thinks back to his old phone case that was an accidental and careless order, and remembers how annoying it is to look at something every day if you donât like it. No, heâll do the best he can to make sure Jimin likes his cat toys.
He freezes. His eyes wander down to the shopping bags heâs already holding. Will Jimin like the other things I have picked? A wave of uncertainty rushes through him and heâs tempted to just push it all back into Kyungmiâs arms, leave the store and come back with Jimin once heâs shifted back so he can choose everything himself. But he is aware of how that would look. Kyungmi is still waiting for his answer and the headache thatâs building is not helping at all. So, Namjoon is ready to take extreme measures. He pulls his phone out and dials Yoongiâs number. It takes three tries to get him on the line but for his dongsaengs, Namjoon has learned persistence.
âWhat is it now?â
âHyung, which color do you think the, uh, the cat would like best when it comes to toys?â
Namjoon only realizes now that they should have maybe come up with a codename for Jimin. Just in case heâd ever need to talk about his kitty alter ego in front of other people who are not supposed to know. Perhaps Yoongi realizes the same thing. Perhaps Yoongi doesnât care. His incredulous answer on the other side is a little⌠unhelpful.
âWhat are you asking me? Am I a cat? Just bring anything, Namjoon-ah. I donât care about the color as long as Jiminie doesnât tear my flesh and bones apart. He might look harmless but I swear heâll be a beast later.â
âYouâre so dramatic, hyung.â
âIâm truthful. He keeps chewing up my fingers.â
âOkay, but⌠do you think,â Namjoon turns away from Kyungmi and whispers, just to make sure, âdo you think heâd like something more, uh, Chanel, or, like a cat bed from Versace? Because this store is high-end but if he doesnât like it-â
Yoongi just huffs on the line and Namjoon feels a heavy weight in his chest. How am I supposed to take care of Jimin if I donât know what Jimin wants? How could I know? How can any of us know? Maybe there are specific brands that are popular with shifters? Should I call Jackson? But no, Jackson is probably sleeping right now, if heâs in Europe. Namjoon whines.
âHyungâŚâ
âNamjoon-ah. Donât lose your mind over this. Just bring anything and weâll all be happy.â
âBut what if- what if he doesnât like it?â
Namjoon canât help it. He doesnât want Jimin to be disappointed in his hyungs when he shifts back. He wants Jimin to feel safe and loved and honored to be taken care of by his hyungs.
âThen weâll return it. Keep the receipt, Namjoon, and donât worry. Just buy the basics and if he wants additional things, weâll order them, okay?â
âOkay, hyung.â
Something crashes. Yoongi groans.
âOkay. I have to wipe up a mess. See you later, Joon.â
âSee you,â Namjoon mumbles, a tiny bit reassured. Rain means donât worry, youâll be okay. He turns back to Kyungmi, who has once again waited politely. He lifts the bags on his arms.
âMy hyung said to just buy the basics.â
âI think weâve got everything then. Would you like to pay?â
âOh, just one more thing. I need something, uh, like a stick for cats? Hyung said itâs important.â
âA stick? For chewing on?â
âNo, for playing.â
To be honest, Namjoon has no idea what this specifc toy looks like. Heâs just grateful when Kyungmi leads him to a special section. The toys look like⌠fishing rods. For cats.
âI think this is what you meant.â
âAre these⌠fishing rods?â
Kyungmi laughs. âI guess you could call them fishing rods.â
âI thought cats fish with their paws.â
âOh no, they are for the cats.â
Namjoon doesnât... understand? Itâs like his brain is frozen. The concept is just so weird. Why would cats need fishing rods?
âOh, you mean for the owners to fish the cat?â
âYes, kind of. You hold the stick and the cat chases after it. You see this fluffy part at the end, right? It will awaken your kittyâs natural hunting instincts.â
Namjoon gasps. Awaken their natural hunting instincts? Do I want that?
âIsnât that⌠dangerous?â
âOn the opposite, itâs essential.â
The image of a leopard on a prowl inside their apartment makes Namjoon feel a little different. Itâs essential, he tells himself. Kyungmi is the expert. Donât worry. Itâs essential.
âOkay, Iâll take a few.â
âVery good. I would have recommended taking more than one anyway, in case the cat breaks it.â
Namjoon nods, smiling. Right. In case the cat breaks it.
âWould you like to pay now?â
âSure.â
Sinking into Sejinâs car seat feels like a welcome break from running a marathon. Namjoon thinks he should have maybe not put on dress shoes but sneakers this morning. But he couldnât have known the day would take such a turn, so this is how it is. They drive for a while before Namjoon realizes that this is not the way home. It seems like they are driving away from Gangnam, not towards it.
âHyung, where are we going now?â
âWell, you expressed that you wanted to go somewhere serene and calming, so Iâm taking you somewhere you can relax.â
âI did no such thing.â
âYes you did. You sighed, checked your phone, scrolled to Jinâs contact, looked at it while we stopped and waited at three different street lights, then you sighed again, shut your phone off and stared into the distance. Youâre an easy read.â
Namjoon is speechless, blushes at how Sejin chuckles and wriggles his fingers in his lap.
âThank you, hyung,â is what he presses out, almost quieter then he wants, thanks to the heavy blanket of emotions falling over his mind.
âAlso,â Sejin adds, âyou always look for quiet places to figure out your troubles. Thatâs you. And I said Iâd support you, so this is the first responder emergency aid you get.â A chuckle rips free from Namjoonâs chest and he leans back comfortably.
Like before, a sweet rumble runs through the car once Namjoonâs mind finds the peace to concentrate on it. Itâs soothing, like a little lullaby as the cityâs shapes fly past the window. The only difference to this morning are the empty backseat where Jiminâs, no, Yeontanâs travel box had stood, and the slight worry that pulls both Namjoonâs brows and shoulders down. Worry for Jimin that is completely unnecessary since Jimin is safety entrusted to Yoongi. Yoongi who has a way with words, a way with trivia knowledge and a way with cats, as it seems.
Namjoon is aware - as aware as everyone else in the band - of the fanâs obsession with Lilâ Meow Meow, and he sometimes he wonders whether it affects Yoongi. Whether his feelings towards the nickname are positive or indifferent, or whether is ever pops up in Yoongiâs head at random times. Whether his friends ever tease him about it like Jackson teases Namjoon about being the Dad of the group. There is only this way of wondering because Namjoon doesnât feel confident to ask Yoongi about it - its a peculiar thing, this theme of Yoongi as a cat - and somehow, Namjoon feels like asking about it would make him sound⌠suspicious. Like maybe asking about it could make it sound like heâs accepted it and he isnât sure what Yoongi will think. Because Namjoon never thinks that his best friend acts or looks like a cat. Never. Heâs never scrolled through a so-called Yoongi and Cats thread on twitter. (Whatâs a twitter? Never heard of it. Can you eat that?)
Namjoon wonders if people would still call Yoongi a cat if they found out about Jimin. Or if they would draw sketches and write (actually tear-inducingly) good stories about kitty hyung Yoongi and baby kitty Jimin. Well, he wouldnât ever get to know.
Because ARMY wouldnât find out.
Because not even the members would.
Namjoon sighs and turns his eyes back to the rain outside.
When Namjoon first moves to actually register the outside world passing by instead of gazing outside with dead eyes, he realizes with a start that Sejin has either lied or misunderstood the words âserene, calming placeâ. The manager drives their car onto the parking lot of a restaurant that looks oddly familiar, like a faraway memory of an uncle youâve seen once and just shortly but who has left a lasting impression by sneaking you a piece of cake or something.Â
Weâve been here before, Namjoon realizes, for lunch. He remembers how the news of BTSâs presence here had sort of blown up the restaurantâs little circle of regular guests and made it into countless online reviews that in the end boosted the restaurantâs ratings and even led to a well-deserved renovation. That had been during their era of first wins, first apartment moves and first everythings in the spotlight and if he didnât know better, Namjoon would say that their present had been hammering against the egg shell of their past even then, that their success had already been a firm knot in their lines of fate back then. But that is bullshit, just the way success by hard work to the bones could never be replaced by success gained by just looking pretty, and Namjoon smiles fondly, almost feeling a sense of touching connectedness to the place. Almost as if this little restaurant has grown up with them. As if it understood their troubles. Maybe âsereneâ and âcalmingâ fit just right.
Vague memories start to creep back right then, vague memories of a tired maknae surrounded by even more tired hyungs, everyone eating with aching thighs, aching calves, aching everythings, and greasy food that did everything it promised on the photos on the menu. Namjoon remembers the rides there and back, remembers the sleepy faces, the happy snapshots in between, reasons to celebrate their togetherness, and even a distant voice mentioning that a relative of Sejin worked here. It must be meaningful for hyung to come here too. Over the entrance, a big white sign says Geum-wol in brushed golden hangul. Golden month. In the sun, the letters look piercingly bright.
âWeâre going to eat?â
âIf you want to.â
âIâm not very hungry yet. But I think I could use some food. Some soul food.â
âI promise you wonât regret it. They changed their menu along with their remodeling a couple of years ago.â
A shiny glimmer sparks from Sejinâs eyes and Namjoon has to work on holding back a giggle. Itâs the same, really, itâs exactly the same as Jin-hyungâs I-see-food glimmer. âIâm sure Iâll love it if you do, hyung.â
From years of shared meals, boring breaks in between recording sessions at broadcasting stations and backstage eating sessions, the whole band knows their staff members. Thereâs not much that actually goes past them when it happens in the same room. Fourteen eyes see a lot of things, even things people wouldnât think they would notice. They know which types of snack to bring to bribe a specific staff member and they know that Sejin generally has good taste (all of their tastebuds have evolved, Seokjin always insists, along with the success of their company).
Upon entering the restaurant, Namjoon feels like heâs stepping into someoneâs living room. A fancy, warm and welcoming living room. It has a lush arrangement of plants, clearly well-loved and well-cared for and fantastically arranged (Namjoon spots that little cactus on the windowsill covered in tiny drops of water that sparkle in the sunlight like royal jewelry and just knows that he is in love). The painted linens and calligraphed drawings lead his surprised mind to the Joseon era, eagerly lapping up his memories from tv shows and stories and books and bundling them all together in this spot where an attentive waitress in a fancy outfit leads them to a table.
âThey did a great job with the remodeling,â Namjoon says, unable to tear his eyes off the golden decor that doesnât look cheap and the beautifully arranged sets on the low table. Even the pillow underneath his bottom is an invitation to relax.
âI love it here,â Sejin nods, smile wide. âIt feels like coming home and going on an adventure at the same time.â
Yes, Namjoon thinks, feeling the blood in his veins stir a little. An adventure but also home.
âHyung, whatâs home to you? Seoul or Ilsan?â
Itâs a difficult question. If Namjoon wasnât so close to their manager, it might even be a rude question and he would possibly not be bold enough to ask anything else for the rest of their meal here. Sejin just thinks.
âItâs possible for a person to have more than one home, you know? At least thatâs what I think.â
Of course, Namjoon can empathize with that. Heâs got a big heart home in the members and then another, with his blood-related family.
âSo, home is where my wife and children are, but home is also with you guys. I miss you when I go home, can you believe it?â
Namjoon chuckles.
âOf course. Weâre the best, so sweet and so nice and so cute - Iâd miss me too if I wasnât here.â
âOh, shut up. Jinâs ego is rubbing off on you.â
They both laugh until the waitress returns to take their orders and even then, the glimmer in their eyes doesnât disappear.
Namjoonâs chest feels warm. Maybe we donât need to eat here anymore. Maybe this conversation was enough comfort already.
It takes a while for the food to come through the restaurantâs kitchen doors that are hidden behind a noble dark-wood door decoration. Everything here looks noble in a way, Namjoon notices, but not without losing the effect of feeling gently familiar, almost loving. That kind of atmosphere is something Namjoon hasnât even experienced in noble restaurants before, so he sinks into his fluffy seat cushion, letting himself enjoy the treat thoroughly. Because it is a treat - a feast for the weary-hearted that canât go home to their families, either because they have to stay here or because the family is not at home. The green plants in the genuinely ancient looking pots (some have gold-plated rims, some are glazed, some are engraved or painted with artful poetry and all of them are twitter-worthy) offer silent comfort, sometimes swishing their arms, sometimes just staying rooted in the fresh dark earth and reminding every onlooker about altruism, virtues like endurance and quiet resilience.
When the food arrives, Namjoon kind of feels sated in a non-physical way. His heart doesnât seem so heavy like before. Itâs like someone has gently kneeled at the edge of his heart to shake up the stiff earth in it. Itâs nice. Paired with the soothing voice of Sejin, the type of questions he asks now and then (all of them optimistic, in a distracting way âI heard from Yoongi that you wanted to look for a new bed, did you already find something youâd like?â and âWill you publish your new mixtape soon? My kids listen to mono to fall asleep but my wife said that at this point, she could probably perform it live.â) and together with the delicious food in front of his nose, Namjoon almost feels like heâs escaped to another world. Another world where he isnât famous, where he isnât living this life but some other version of it, where all his decisions had been different but led him to this little restaurant nonetheless, and there he is, sitting at the axis point where all the versions of him flow together into this one moment. Itâs magical, like glowing dust floating in the air, like the first flakes of snow landing on your face. The light of the sun slides past the beautiful gold-ornamented silk curtains of the restaurant, revealing a gorgeous view on the side of Achasan Mountain thatâs lushly green thanks to the trees on it. Itâs basically an invitation to dream, to imagine, and Namjoonâs eyes canât really get enough of it.
âHyung, have you ever had a secret that you were so afraid to tell that you lied to keep it?â
Sejin sighs into his spoon of rice.
âYou know what I think about lying,â he starts and Namjoon nods. Lying means breaking trust, Namjoon-ah. Never lie to your members. During their entire time together, he canât remember ever seeing Sejin lie. âI usually donât keep secrets either. Not bad ones, at least. But there was one.â
âWas it bad that you lied back then?â
âYes, the consequences were bad but the worst thing was that I didnât say the truth. Even though I apologized, the regret stays with me and every time I look at that person, I feel it again.â
âHyung, I donât want to feel that way towards the members.â
âThen donât lie.â
âDo you think it will be that easy?â
âI honestly donât know what I think it will be like with Jimin. Maybe you are lucky and the members are back before he shifts back so they can see for themselves. Didnât you send something to the group chat already?â
âHow do you know?â
âJungkookie sent me a text asking if we got him a surprise pet. He sounded very hopeful. He even used the heart-eye emoji.â
âOh no. What did you answer?â
âI wrote âAsk your hyungs.â Nothing else. That was before you called me to come back here.â
Namjoon groans and figures that Jungkook will have to wait. No new pets for a while, sorry Jungkook.
âI donât think Iâm ready to be a cat owner.â
Sejin huffs, amused. âThe universe thinks you are.â
âWell, I donât think so and thatâs what counts. Even the maknaes would be better at handling a cat than me.â
âThatâs not true. Jungkook - I swear, this kid doesnât have any sense of self-preservation, so I donât even want to think about what heâd do with Jimin. Tae⌠well. Heâd probably slide into depression without Jimin to talk to so letâs not think about that. I think we can agree thereâs no one better than Hoseok to deal with such a thing if he doesnât freak out about it but you follow close behind, just after Yoongi and Seokjin.â
âHyung, that was a shitty argument.â
âAt the same time,â Sejin says with a look that says I wasnât done, âKook loves Jimin to death and would do anything to make him feel better. Taehyung has studied up on dogs and dog training for half a year before adopting Yeontan. Imagine how much more heâll do for his soulmate.â
The look Sejin gives him is serious and even when they are brought drinks and the girl from before leaves again, the serious expression does not leave Sejinâs eyes.
âHyung, just think logically for a second. Jiminie is a tiny fragile cat baby, a rare leopard cub and I am a helpless clumsy idiot who canât even take care of himself. How do we match well in your eyes?â
âYou donât need to match. Honestly, other than Jimin being smaller than usual and not being able to speak, thereâs no difference to living together as usual. You take care of him and he looks up to you. You shouldnât worry so much.â
He starts chuckling a second later when he realizes the unintentional pun. Namjoon frowns.
âI disagree. This morning I almost squished Jimin between the fridge and the fridge door. Itâs not exactly safe for him to be around me. Heâs too curious and Iâm just clumsy. Did you see the printer ink in his fur?â
âItâs not a big deal, Namjoon.â
âBesides, Yoongi takes care of him way better than me.â
âAllow yourself room for improvement and learning.â
âIâm afraid Iâll hurt him.â
âSo be more careful. You havenât killed any of your band mates yet, so I donât think it will happen any time soon.â
âYeah, but they have all been human and with a fully functioning human mind for the past seven years. They know how to dodge the danger.â
âAnimals have pretty good instincts, too. I think Jimin wonât need help to dodge your accidents once heâs out of his toddler phase. And donât forget that all of you can take care of Jimin in different ways, each of you plays their own role. It will all be fine.â
The food arrives and is daunting enough to drag Namjoonâs rumbling thoughts away from his hardships. Thereâs soup, thereâs rice, thereâs vegetables and meat, and itâs beautifully arranged and beautifully steamy and just the scent could throw a man off his horse in desperate hunger. Itâs heaven. At the first spoon of soup, Namjoon understands why Sejin brought him here. Comfort spreads in his tummy like a sweet melody. He sighs, almost tearing up over simple Korean soul food.
âThank you, hyung.â
Sejinâs smile is kind.
âYou know we love you like youâre our own children, right? Sihyuk-hyung and I. Of course, seeing my own children being born was different but you are my family too. We always want the best for you, we want you to go forward with boldness and integrity.â
âYouâre doing well, hyung.â
Of course itâs a little strange to think of their CEO and their manager as parental figures in general but after sharing his life with them for the last decade, Namjoon figures his own parents wouldnât even be mad if he suddenly called any of them appa by accident. He smiles when he remembers all the times a sleepy Jungkook has called other people appa without even noticing. It had always resulted in a hand carding through his hair, a warm âaigoo, our sleepy maknae, are you warm enough?â and lovely feelings of family.
âNamjoon-ah, what if this is an opportunity?â
âWhat do you mean? An opportunity how?â
âWe havenât heard of shapeshifters before Jimin turned into one, right?â
âI havenât. It truly feels like a mind-blowing discovery. Only that itâs not a discovery exactly because apparently, shapeshifters have existed all the time.â
âBut it means that they must be hiding in society. Why?â
Namjoon pauses. Why are they hiding? In the end, he supposes shifters - supernaturals in general - Â are like every other human being.
âAfraid of discrimination? Racism? I donât know, hyung. Iâm still hung up on how I didnât know about this although one of my best friends has literally been a hybrid his entire life.â
âA hybrid? What the heck is a hybrid? And whoâs a hybrid?â
Oh. Right.
âUh, well. Itâs more like Spiderman⌠more permanent? More all the time? I donât know, Iâm bad at explaining this.â
âSpiderman is a hybrid? Wow, I never thought about it this way.â
âNo, I mean, yeah, I guess? But hybrids are people with animal features? I think? Like, a tail or animal ears?â
âLike in anime?â
âBasically. I donât know too much about it but it seems to be that way.â
âWow. That must be really difficult to hide.â
âIâm sure it is.â
How does Jackson hide it? Now that Namjoon thinks about it, he has seen Jackson without a cap on his head or loose pants to shove the tail in before and not seen any animal features. How is that possible? He then realizes that Jacksonâs managers and company must know. They must have the editors photoshop his animal features out on every photo, even every video. Wow. That must be such a huge effort. And expensive. What a hassle it must be for stage appearances, interviews and even just walking freely on the street. All of the sudden, Namjoon feels grateful Jimin isnât a hybrid. The company wouldnât have been able to pay so much money to edit every shot of him so extensively back then. They wouldnât have accepted him.
âSo, hybrids are different from shapeshifters, right?â
âYes, hybrids canât turn into animals.â
They eat in silence for a few minutes, letting the new information and thoughts sink in along with the food. Namjoon realizes heâs both a little grateful and a bit bummed that Jimin didnât turn into a hybrid. It would have been impossible to hide from the members then. He wouldnât have to tell them anything, they could all figure it out, Jimin wouldnât turn into some animal that canât speak, he would just be a normal human being with some extra parts and that would be it. They could deal with it so much more easily - probably. But Namjoon reminds himself that that line of thought is just based on assumptions. Thereâs probably no perfect option between those two if youâre a performer.
âDoâŚdo you think the members are going to figure it out themselves?â
âI think theyâre all smart enough to.â
âSo⌠just a maybe?â
âI canât tell the future, Namjoon-ah.â
âI know, I just⌠I just donât want to be alone with this.â
âAre you?â
âI guess Iâm not but⌠Iâm just so glad that we are seven members. Because we share our lives, our feelings and our fears all the time. Thatâs where we all draw our strength from. Keeping a secret like this from the members⌠I donât want to break their trust. Isnât it my responsibility to tell them about this? This is such a huge change and itâs not fair to just⌠I donât think this is right, hyung.â
âIf a secret becomes a prison, it doesnât deserve to be kept, Namjoon. Youâre too precious to cut yourself down just to please someone else.â
âHyung, are you telling me⌠to tell someone?â
âIâm telling you to do the right thing. If you know the right thing is to tell the members and you take action, you will have to bear the consequences. Iâm never for disobeying authority - especially PDnim because I know he tries to do the best for all of us - but if you feel burdened and like you have to mute yourself to keep your promise, then itâs not worth it. You should definitely talk to PDnim. Iâm sure that he will understand. Maybe not today, though. Give him a night to think about it all. He might have not seemed surprised but itâs a huge change for him too. Itâs a given that any impulsive decisions may need revision.â
âHe should have been prepared for this day, especially if he knew about Jimin from the beginning.â
âYeah, I agree. I think this decision just shows that PDnim is just human too. He made a mistake, just like you have in the past and still do. Also, âdoing the right thingâ looks different through every personâs eyes so who knows how we would have decided to do things in his place.â
âI know.â
âEveryone needs room for learning. Do you still trust PDnim?â
âOf course. I know he will fight for us no matter what.â
âThen I donât think you need to worry about the members.â
Namjoon nods and goes back to his food, forcing himself to just stop thinking about this issue. Iâm not doing myself a favor if I overthink this. So he focuses on the food thatâs before him. Itâs really delicious, coating his tongue and all the tastebuds on it - but he canât help but notice the taste of disappointment mixing in. What do I need? What am I looking for? Is it just support? Do I want pity? Advice? He chews, lets his eyes wander over all the other restaurant guests. Some seem happy, some are engrossed in the food or their friends. They all seem free of worry, even if just for the moment. I want my worries taken away. To be reassured.
âHyung, can I call Jin-hyung?â
âSure, go ahead.â
âWould you be mad at me if I told him?â
âNamjoon-ah. Do what you feel is right. You know I respect you.â
âThank you, hyung.â
âWhy do you want to tell Jin specifically?â
âWell, heâs the oldest so I guess he should know. Also, realistically speaking, Taehyungie and Jiminie are like, actual soulmates so I guess Tae would either figure it all out on his own or Jimin would tell him. Hobi is Jiminâs roommate so he canât avoid noticing any significant changes about Jimin. And Kookie - Kookie is pretty observant about Jimin too whenever he doesnât give him heart eyes. No, I think telling Jin-hyung makes the most sense. He feels responsible for the maknaes so I think heâd be the most upset about not being told - not because heâd feel left out but because he couldnât have cared for Jimin the way he needs it.â
âYouâre a good leader, Namjoon-ah. Iâm proud of you.â
âDonât make me blush, hyung. Itâs just⌠strategy.â
âMhm,â Sejin says, cheerfully winking.
Namjoon groans and rolls his eyes at the enthusiastic chuckling behind him. He finds a free table in a calmer part of the restaurant and takes out his phone. The window next to him comes with a good view on the wooden slope of a hill just behind the end of the parking lot.
For a moment, Namjoon tries to sort of soak up the freshness and calm from outside to reenergize himself for this serious talk with Jin. The green of the trees pulses with life, like a painting so fresh and excessive that the colors threaten to run down the canvas in a semblance of invigoration, and he sincerely wishes the city would look like that more often. Although the air outside is still hazy from the rain before, everything spreads out in a vivid picture in front of Namjoon. So beautiful.
The phone rings four times before Jin picks up. His voice is super groggy.
âHello? Joon, that you?â
âHi hyung,â Namjoon says softly, grateful for his hyungâs voice against his ear. So close, almost warm. âWhere are you right now?â
âIn bed.â
Thereâs rustling, probably blankets and pillows. Namjoon checks the time. Itâs 2 pm. Typical Jin. No worries at all. âYou wonât believe it, weâre at Kookieâs parentsâ place and we stayed up late yesterday to play games with Kookâs brother. So Iâm in the guest room and guess what?â
âWhat?â
âItâs the middle of the night, a light falls on my bed and I think itâs a ghost but itâs Kook standing in the doorway. Says he feels lonely without his hyungs so he comes to sleep with me instead of in his own bed. Heâs been clinging to me like a monkey-â
Thereâs a deep groan of annoyance in the background and suddenly, slapping sounds.
âAre you fighting?â
Yelling, more rustling, the thump of a body hitting the floor. Namjoon canât help but grin at the image of his bickering brothers even if he goes unheard. This normality feels good. This being together feels good. Thereâs laughter in the background, so loud and explosive Namjoon basically feels it spilling out of his phone. When he looks around to apologize for disrupting other restaurant guests, no one even looks his way. Jin laughs.
âSorry, Namjoon-ah, thereâs a noisy teenager next to me. You know how they get. Where were we?â
âHyung, we didnât even start talkingâŚâ
âAh, right. Well, why are you calling? Is everything alright?â
âUm, define alright.â
Seokjin pauses. Namjoon knows he understands and he can already sense Jinâs answer coming.
âI can come back earlier, you know. Itâs not a problem for me.â
âNo, hyung, itâs fine. Sejin-hyung and I are dealing with everything, so itâs all good, I just wanted to tell you an imp-â
âSejin-hyung is there!? He was on vacation! What happened, you little punk? Thereâs no way everythingâs alright if you had to call Sejin-hyung!â
Oops, Namjoonâs brain helpfully provides. He clenches his jaw as Seokjin rambles on in the background, about how heâs gonna pack his suitcase and come right back and about Jimin and his sickness and everything - Namjoon feels his head ache.
âNamjoon-ah?â
Namjoon canât focus. Itâs as if something draws his gaze away from the creamy white tablecloth and the golden decorations and outside the window. They land on a little violet spot by the parked cars - a moving spot. It moves around a black car. Sejinâs car. The man wearing the violet - itâs a modern violet durumagi, a noble-looking Hanbok overcoat - is walking around Sejinâs car, looking inside. Namjoon freezes, doesnât hear the restaurant, doesnât hear Jinâs voice. Is that a stalker? Did he recognize our car? The man circles the car as if he expects a BTS member to sit inside of it and Namjoon feels a little sick. I hope he wonât come- the man looks at him. Their eyes meet. Time stops for a horrifying moment. Namjoonâs blood freezes, the trees pulse along with his heart, moving in on him with force. Like a fly in a spiderâs net, he feels caught. He canât move even if the eyes pierce through him as if they see into his soul or even beyond. Namjoonâs breath falters and he gasps when Sejinâs hand suddenly lands on his shoulder. He grasps it, needs the warmth to ground himself, to come back, to calm his soul. To find his sanity, possibly.
âHey, sorry, itâs just me. Are you okay?â
Namjoon nods numbly, realizes that Jin is still on the phone, repeating his name.
âJin-hyung?â
âThank God youâre still there. What happened? You scared me.â
âIâll call you back later, hyung. Donât worry, okay? Sorry.â
When he hangs up and puts his phone back on the table with shaky hands, the man in the durumagi outside in the parking lot is gone.
âAre you alright? You look⌠youâre trembling.â
âHyung, did you see the man outside? Just now?â
âThe man?â
âHe stood by your car. I think it might have been a stalker, hyung. Can we leave? I donât feel safe.â
Sejin gives him an immediate reaction and Namjoon feels grateful for his hyung and manager who always takes him seriously if need be.
âOf course.â
âHyung, he was so scary. He looked right at me.â
âIâll ask if we can leave through the back. Come on.â
âThank you.â
Together, they walk up to the waiterâs area. Namjoon doesnât hear the conversation between Sejin and the kind waitress from before, only sees her eyes widening from the corner of his eye while he trains his gaze on the entrance of the restaurant. Just when he thinks he spots a a hunch of violet, Sejinâs hand on his lower back pushes him forward and heâs led through a door, they wait for a while, something rustles and a key clicks. Then, fresh air, a quick walk, Sejinâs car. When Sejinâs door closes and the motor turns on and the car starts rumbling, Namjoon feels the ice in his stomach start to melt. He can only start breathing again when they are off the parking lot.
âIâm sorry this happened,â Sejin says quietly. âI wanted you to have a great time.â
âNot your fault, hyung. People do what they want.â
âYeah.â
The engine starts and Sejin begins to pull out of the parking lot. Namjoon keeps an eye on the area behind them just to see if the man in the violet durumagi appears again. Nothing. He sinks into his seat as they drive further away.
âIâll take you to the perfect place. Youâll love it.â
âOkay.â
âItâs one of my favorite places in Seoul but you wonât expect it because Iâve never taken you there and you normally donât ever go there.â
Namjoon feels numb. Sejinâs words kind of go through his ears but donât find his brain. Itâs been a while since something like this happened. He realizes that heâs holding a plastic bag in his hands, on his lap. Warmth seeps into his thighs.
âAre theseâŚ?â
âThey insisted on giving us food for compensation.â
âIt wasn't their fault.â
âThey wished you and the members health and strength for the upcoming promotions, too.â
Namjoon nods, feeling tired. He puts his head against the window, lets his eyes jump from color to color, finding a home in the blur and allows himself to drift off.
âWake up, weâre here.â
Itâs a car wash street, the kind where you throw some coins into a coin slot, then park your car inside the washing tunnel and run out as fast as you can as soon as the lights turn on and the brushes come to life and the water starts to spray. Namjoon is not sure whether thatâs really the so highly praised destination Sejin planned to go to to relax and be comforted or if he just decided to make a joke. (Or clean the car, for some reason.) On the other hand, it puts a check behind all the characteristics of the mystery location Sejin had revealed. A place you wouldnât expect? check. A place you never go to? Check. Check, check, check. Now, Namjoon wouldnât necessarily say that car wash street would be a place heâd ever want to be at, but if he knows anything after traveling half the world with his band mates and staff, itâs that itâs not the places you visit that count but the people you visit there with. So he smiles, allowing some childish giddiness to build up in his stomach at the surprise that Sejin has for him. Whatever it is.
âLetâs go, hyung. Show me what you had in mind.â
Sejin smiles and drives a little closer to the washing street. They wait until the car in front of them is done, which takes exactly one run-through of Zion Tâs Eat on the radio and then, Sejin pays and slowly drives forward until the display in front of them tells them to stop.
âDo we run now, hyung?â
Namjoon feels a bit of adrenaline rush into his limbs when Sejin doesnât look like he intends to move. And then the big big brushes around them begin to stir and Namjoonâs mind is telling him that itâs almost too late and that he should run now if he wants to make it out dry and Sejin just chuckles.
âStay inside, relax. Itâs time for the playlist,â he says and picks something on the carâs display. Soft music trails through the speakers, turned all the way up because the washing street is loud, Jiminâs voice singing Promise as angelically as possible and when the first drops of water hit the car, Namjoonâs heart stops for a second. Itâs so nice, this calm feeling of safety that engulfs him when he watches more and more drops of water running down the windows. The warmth thatâs in the car, even with the motor off and the lullaby fading. They are practically embedded in the music. Itâs just a blessed togetherness with a friend he likes spending time with, a friend who comes up with the wildest ideas to give him comfort and a good time.
And even when the water hitting the car is less than a rain shower and more like a thrumming thunderstorm, Namjoonâs heart still jumps around with giddy leaps for the simple, childish sensation of being surrounded by water but not getting wet. Sejin also seems to have a good time, looking outside the windows with a fond smile and gently tapping the steering wheel with his fingers, matching the soft beats of Blue Side.
âLetâs finish eating,â he suggests then and really, thatâs the only way to make this - whatever this is - better.
The paper bags around their little boxes rustle when they unwrap the food and with a warm fuzzy feeling, Namjoon realizes that this moment is special for Sejin too. Usually, the manager would not let anyone eat in his car (a habit from his time taking care of their official business cars), so this is clearly an exception he made for Namjoon.
âThis is the coolest thing Iâve done in a long while,â Namjoon says after a few bites and feels like he should maybe pick up his old habit of writing a diary again. He doesnât want to forget this.
âLetâs take a selfie, hyung.â
They do, and even after finishing their lunch, after watching the big brushes make way for smaller brushes to foam and shake their car, and after five more songs, the car wash street is still not done.
âHyung, what kind of washing program did you buy? Will we be out before dinnertime?â
âOnly the best for you,â Sejin grins. âYouâre enjoying yourself, right? If not, weâll go through again. This playlist is longer than you might think.â
âI am enjoying myself.â
âGood. I really wanted to distract you from everything. Are you relaxed?â
âVery.â
The moment is perfect, warm and content. As if it was meant to be. Namjoon feels his anxiety and all the stress of the day wash off along with the film of dirt on the car. It flows out of his line of vision and his soul is considerably lighter. Maybe we should do this more often.
âThis is one of my favorite spots in the city,â Sejin reveals and checks the digital clock on the display, âand youâll see why soon.â
The brushes recede to the sides of the tunnel and make way for the blow driers. It doesnât take long for the display outside to start blinking again to signal that the ride is over soon. Sejin starts the motor and when the blinking display rises up, slowly revealing the exit before them, Sejin smiles.
âLook.â
Namjoon doesnât immediately understand what Sejin wants him to see - but then it hits. The display rises up to reveal the horizon. The car street is built upon a little hill and from here, they can look down on a lower part of Seoul, gleaming in the golden light of the falling sun. It looks like an explosion of light, framed by the walls of the cr wash tunnel. Itâs glorious, breathtaking even and Namjoon just stills, afraid to ruin the view with irrelevant thoughts. This is perfect. Just perfect.
The light reflects off the rain water thatâs still lingering on the skyscraperâs plateau rooftops, the endless glass walls and even the airplanes taking off in the distance like rising diamonds. The massiveness of it all, the way it surrounds everything, the way it creates this feeling of being a witness of a majestic spectacle takes Namjoonâs breath away. Golden light floods the sky. The Han River looks like a serpent on fire. And this is just a goodbye for one night, so ordinary, almost meaningless. So beautiful.
Namjoon gasps. A fleck of violet moves in the corner of his eye.
âAlso,â Taehyungâs soft voice sounds like a melody after the long, thoughtful break of silence in their room. Yeontan yawns and shakes his fur, looking fluffy. âEven if hitting the ground is painful and seems like it will break you apart, youâll see that thatâs exactly what it takes to create a rainbow. Being shattered can be beautiful too - if you keep letting the light shine through you. It will all be okay. Thatâs the comfort I want to give.â
And then the moment is gone, Namjoon doesnât know how he got here, only that he feels floaty one moment, almost like heâs being pushed out of his body. Itâs comparable to being lifted out of your seat the moment your plane lands and stutters along the landing strip. The next moment, heâs being shoved back in, feeling very weighty for second, like he somehow doesnât really fit in his body. All of that happens at the same time with Sejin driving forward to exit the car wash, a white flash blinding Namjoon so strongly that he has to close his eyes lest they lose sight forever, and him wondering whether this is the famous light at the end of the tunnel that everyoneâs talking about. Whether this is the end. He opens his eyes when the gleaming brightness recedes behind his eyelids, or rather, when he canât see the the tiny veins in his eyelids anymore.
The sight before him takes his breath away. Where the carâs coachwork, the car wash brushes and sponges surrounded him before, thick trees now form an uneven circle around him and create a clearing. Namjoon sits in the middle of it, on the grass, hands in his lap, jacket softly flapping in the mild breeze. He canât help but wonder how he got here, whether this is a dream, whether he just fell asleep after leaving the restaurant. When he reaches out to touch the grass, to just see if itâs real, he gasps. Itâs very real and incredibly soft, softer than the grass in the little garden on top of BigHitâs office building. Little flowers sway under the sparkly rays of sun that manage to make their way through the treetops and birds hop around the branches of the trees while chirping animately. A butterfly lands on his knee and Namjoon is careful to stay still. After a few moments of taking rest, it flies off and Namjoon adores the tiny creature that had been so bold to land on him. Being so used to the cityâs sharp edges and spaces devoid of color, being in nature always feels a little unreal, like something out of a dream. Not being able to recall how he got here just adds to the strange feeling.
Desperate to push the worrying second cycle of thoughts of where am I, what happened and what the heck away and keep his calm, Namjoon closes his eyes. He takes a deep breath, tells himself not to worry, and deliberately tastes the forest air as it streams through his nose and across his tongue. He wills his heartbeat down, eager to drown in the serenity around him, even if there might be bigger issues at hand. It takes a few minutes to lose the fear, the confusion and the anxiety, but when he does, his body becomes light, almost like heâs floating.
Namjoon feels⌠embedded. Embedded in nature to a ridiculous degree, to an extent that he doesnât normally experience in a forest, not even when heâs fully Namjooning, as the other members call it. Itâs an amalgamated feeling, every inch of the woods around him part of the sensation. Everything pulses, everything vibrates, from the strands of grass brushing against his ankles to the bugs crawling over myriads of swaying leaves. And Namjoon finds himself in the center of it - not as the center, just interwoven into the net of reality, just a tiny, belatedly added piece in this complex throng of life pulses that flare up as soon as he inhales and settle when he exhales. He could lose himself in the pleasant buzzing that could be all around him just as well as it could be him, his cells, his body thrumming with life. He just knows he could lose himself in this too easily and too fast, thereâs this little whirl of energy nudging him deep inside his mind, asking him silently whether he would like to stay here a little while longer, longer inside the whirlwind, if he would like to go deeper, deeper, deeper. And Namjoon isnât afraid even if it seems a daunting invitation. Heâs too overwhelmed to react, busy listening to the trees sway, the birds flap their wings, the clouds pass by. The calmness mixes with a sense of belonging, a belonging he still doesnât feel all the way in their new apartment. This is a perfect place, he thinks.
He feels embedded, knows that this is a rare moment and that itâs a privilege to be here and experience this miracle melody of life. Thereâs only one other moment that feels like this - when the stage lift pushes him above the stage, the beat driving his blood forward and thousands of fans melting into him, when their screams align with his rap. Embedded. Namjoon wonders if heâs dreaming, if this rush he feels is just a product of his memories ganging up on him in his sleep.
Something rustles behind him and Namjoon turns around slowly. He finds that the shopping bags from the pet store have followed him into the woods. Only the shopping bags that had been his. What the heck? If Iâm here and the shopping bags are too, shouldnât Sejin be here as well? Is this some kind of⌠time travel or teleportation stuff? What is going on? His breath hitches as a new thought hits him. What if - what if someone took me here?
He watches one of the bags topple. Thereâs no wind. Suddenly, a little brown paw - hand? - appears behind the brown paper and Namjoon has to hold back a coo. A little animal with slightly wet fur rolls out of the paper bag, sniffing it. It looks like an otter. The only other time Namjoon has seen real otters was when heâd visited the zoo in Seoul with the members and back then, the otters had been in a water enclosure. This otter is not overly fluffy but the black twitching nose makes up for it in cuteness; Namjoon raises his hands to his mouth to not let out any sounds. And fails. Immediately, the otter looks up, big brown eyes staring at the strange invader in the clearing. Apparently, Namjoon doesnât categorize as a threat, because the otter goes back to exploring the bag right away, squeaking and sniffling around. Thereâs more rustling and from his angle, Namjoon can only see a little sleek tail peeking out from the paper bagâs opening. Then, the otter seems to have found something of interest because it backs out, dragging the little twisted rope Namjoon had bought for Jimin.
Jimin. A tiny ripple of shock rocks through Namjoon. His eyes widen. He had almost forgotten. He might have almost sat here for the rest of the day, getting lost in the beauty of the woods and forgetting about his day - about all the drama - and what he had wanted to do. Is this an enchanted forest? Itâs so⌠peaceful. He looks around, scans the area. Trees everywhere, the ground in between covered in lush grass, flowers and fallen leaves. In the distance, something glitters every now and then, and Namjoon realizes that the constant soft swishing sound in the air must come from a little pond or river. Somehow, now that he thinks about it, that same freshness carries in the air and itâs almost like Namjoon can feel the fresh water swirl in his lungs in a peaceful, refreshing way. Itâs all he could dream of when he imagines a peaceful retreat. To be honest, he would love to come here with the members.
Suddenly, the otter startles with a squeak and flees when Namjoon stands up and wipes down his slightly wet jeans. When his eyes follow the cute animal, he stiffens. Thereâs a wolf standing just a couple of meters away. Itâs big and grey, definitely a grown wolf. It takes one quick look to realize just how huge it is. It reaches up to Namjoonâs chest if he were to stand up - and itâs watching him intently. The gaze is so strong that Namjoon feels a lot like heâs been caught. Caught in the wolfâs territory. He doesnât dare to move even as his heart pounds and his head tells him to run.
Namjoon knows, logically, that a wolf is a big predator with a tendency to be territorial and the ability to kill an adult without much effort. He knows that he should logically be afraid of it, maybe afraid enough to pee his pants, but itâs so damn hard to be afraid here in this warm-colored, sun kissed spot of forest that, in its essence, is so pure, so good. It reminds him of good things, of relaxation. Of home. Maybe itâs also because of the way the forest just buzzes on inside his mind as if the wolf hadnât appeared, as if there was no reason to worry, no reason to stop the bubbly melody because the wolf simply wasnât dangerous. Maybe itâs because of the knowledge that the forest has some kind of conscience and possibly an ability to judge between good and evil, or maybe just that the way the forest breathed and pulsed around him reminded Namjoon of all the books heâd read in his childhood. Books that had taught him about principles, about the order of things even if those books consisted of fictional characters and places. It somehow instilled trust in Namjoon, a trust that he thinks he had already extended towards the forest. The forest had accepted it from him. And now, the forest was offering it in return. He looks up to find that the wolf us mustering him still, probably not used to visitors on its terrain but itâs not a malevolent look. Thereâs no growling, no claws, no fangs or even the kind of bristling heâs usually get to see each time Monie met another dog she didnât like, so Namjoon concludes that the wolf is just curious.
âHi,â he says lamely, âI hope Iâm not intruding. I donât know where I am but Iâll leave if you want me to.â
Namjoon doesnât know why heâs talking to an animal but he knows that animals do assess people and pick up on their mood and intentions based on their voices, so he just speaks. It feels natural, the forestâs buzzing picks up and little sparks appear in the melody, almost as if it was amused by their interaction.
He almost doesnât flinch when a black wet nose prods his thighs, his shins and his hands. He doesnât flinch when the wolf locks eyes with him and feelings of both being utterly vulnerable and fully accepted shoot through him like electric shocks. He feels - like heâs meeting one of his best friends. A quiet but wise friend, maybe a little like Yoongi.
Without a sound, the wolf turns and starts walking. A breathless Namjoon stands in his spot as if the ground under his two feel was holy. He stays until the wolf throws a look over its shoulder. Does it want me to follow?
Walking with a wolf, Namjoon comes to find out, is a very different feeling than walking with your own dog. Definitely. The wolf doesnât stop a hundred times to sniff at every flower, every stone and every shrub to see if someone else has peed on it. The wolf also doesnât feel the need to pee on all these things himself or pull on a leash to find more things that have been peed on. No, the wolf walks through the forest like itâs his kingdom revolving around him. Like he owns every centimeter of the land. Quietly. With pride and honor. The wolf oozes self-expression on a higher level, shows off its independent thinking and self-determined capabilities. Namjoon likes it. They stop at a pond. At first glance, it looks like any other pond or lake Namjoon has seen before. Thereâs clear, calm water surrounded by a shore packed with reeds and all kinds of water plants. He spots frogs on the wet earth and even a few fish in the water. The surface shows him his face, plain and normal, like any other mirror in the world would show. Perhaps its the soft water noises or just the visual of water that calls up feelings of thirst - Namjoon wants to lean down and scoop up some water in his hands but when the wolf next to him doesnât make any move towards the water, almost as if heâs wary of it, Namjoon becomes suspicious.
âIs it drinkable?â
The wolfâs eyes arenât focused on the water and instead scan the area. Maybe this isnât a resting place. Maybe heâs patrolling the territory? Is this the outer edge maybe? Even if they just remain standing for a few minutes, a this deep sense of fateful belonging is in the air, almost like honey dripping down tree bark. The air is sweet and thick and Namjoonâs hand flies to his chest. Breathing becomes more difficult with time and he throws a worried glance at the wolf who remains stoic. Are we⌠supposed to die here? What is this? It almost feels like a relief of tension when the wolf suddenly shakes its fur. But not only that, it walks towards Namjoon and only then can he see the eyes of the wolf - dark, black has replaced the kind amber glow from before. What is happening? The wolf doesnât seem any more threatening than before, just nudges Namjoonâs arm until he holds it up. What does it want?
A swoosh of air, then a dark body tunes out the light of the sun. Namjoon yelps when claws tear through his shirt and into the bare skin of his lower arm that suddenly has to carry a heavy weight. When he has gathered enough courage to open his eyes, he comes face to face with a raven. Itâs black and sleek, gaze so piercing it almost hurts physically. It stares at Namjoon without blinking. What is it with these animals here? In a strange way, their eye contact is comfortable like a conversation between friends, with a certain familiarity, but the intensity of it just shatters that comfort completely. Heâs captivated by the ravenâs eyes. In the depths of his mind, he understands that his soul lays bare, that heâs practically naked before this creature. Every dream, every doubt, every fear, they all turn and twist inside of him, coming alive under the scrutiny of the attentive gaze. When he feels his body tense and shiver, physically unable to withstand the tension, Namjoon looks away.
His eyes fall on the pond, now mysteriously dark, reflecting the faraway blinking of stars. Is it night already? How long have I been here? The starlight shimmers like diamonds on the water whenever it moves. The sway of light almost seems melodic, almost audible. When he sees his image in the calm surface, it's... different than before. He sees himself and definitely recognizes himself but somehow, it's not what he normally looks like in a mirror. Namjoon thinks that it might just be the ethereal glow the moon and the stars cast on the pond but then, he sees something else in his eyes, a different kind of glow. Something that he's never seen before. If someone asked him to put this into a song, he has no idea what the lyrics could be. It's almost otherworldly. A few steps away, the wolf sits, watching the pondâs hypnotic view.
The raven walks a few steps closer towards Namjoon, gaze burning into the side of his head.
âWhat do you want, raven?â
Namjoon feels his lips move on their own.
âReality,â the raven croaks. âFragile. Guard it.â
It flies off with a whoosh and Namjoon follows the bird until it has passed the top of the trees. Maybe I would know where I was if I could fly. I could go home.
Before he has time to think about the raven, leaves rustle behind him. When Namjoonâs head turns toward the sound, he expects to see some other animal, or maybe that the otter has followed them. What he gets instead is a colorful burst of color on a tiny body. He blinks.
âOh, Jiminie! Is that you?â
The cub just taps forward, head bobbing with every step as if it had become too heavy after wandering for so long. When it finally reaches his feet, it plops down into the grass with an exhausted chuffing sound. Namjoon can see its flank moving up and down with the cubâs breaths.
âHow did you get here, baby?â
Did he really walk here all the way from the company building by himself? Perhaps the question would be easier to answer if he knew where exactly here is. He looks around, has never felt so disappointed by the sight of trees everywhere, then sits down in the grass.
âDid hyung take you here? Is hyung around, Jiminie? Did you get lost looking for me?â
The leopard cubâs fur is warm and damp under his fingers and he canât help but scoop the little one up. He still doesnât answer, doesnât show signs of understanding and Namjoon figures thatâs just the way it is. Jimin immediately snuggles deeper into the embrace, seeking the comfort and shelter and Namjoon holds his fingers out when the leopardâs little black nose starts snuffling around. Jimin doesnât settle for his fingers and noses along Namjoonâs shirt until the human recalls the image of the baby cat snuggling into Yoongiâs neck. Is he looking for bare skin? With curiosity, Namjoon opens the upper button and exposes a collarbone. The leopardâs tail wiggles with excitement as the cub finds familiar scents on Namjoonâs skin. He squirms, blue eyes opening to sparkle as they find Namjoonâs face. He yips and yaps and makes little high-pitched noises that have Namjoon chuckling.
âHey there,â he laughs, âhi baby. Hi. Yeah, hi. Itâs me, yeah.â
When the cat calms down, lulled into safety by the warmth and scent and the familiar voice, Namjoon smiles. âShould we go looking for hyung?â
He holds his breath when the wolf steps closer, just reaching down to sniff the cub throroughly. The big head is almost leaning against Namjoonâs chest and he can smell the typical scent of dog and woods on the big animal. Jimin squeaks when the big nose rubs over his fur instead of fingers and his tail shakes but heâs brave, enduring the bigger animalâs curiosity. Namjoon is aware that this whole thing is absolutely ridiculous. It doesnât make sense at all that he teleported into the woods slash got abandoned with amnesia, that he follows a wolf and that Jimin just appears out of nowhere. He feels like heâs missing more than one piece of information.
I only remember sitting in the car with hyung and the next moment⌠I was here in the woods. Or did I wake up? Did I fall asleep? Is this a dream? Was I unconscious and maybe⌠Sejin-hyung took me here? Was maybe the car wash a dream and this is where he wanted to go? But if Jimin is here - doesnât that mean that someone came looking for me? Like, I was missing and they decided to search for me and Suga-hyung and Jimin came close and they just lost Jimin but he ended up finding me? He freezes. What if this is a magic forest and I lost track of time and weeks have passed? What if all the members are back and looking for me too? Itâs all confusing and every speculation Namjoon comes up with feels incomplete and unsatisfying. Whatever, he tells himself, weâll find Suga-hyung and he can explain everything thatâs going on.
The wolf seems to be satisfied with smelling Jimin, so it just walks off as if thereâs nothing more to stay here for, warm amber eyes and serene personality. They walk for what feels like an hour, thinking hard, dodging trees, passing caves (some are decorated with lanterns, some are not), another pond. Jimin falls asleep quickly in Namjoonâs arms. At this point, Namjoon has decided that heâs either a) hallucinating, b) on drugs and hallucinating, c) having the weirdest dream of his life or d) trapped in a childrenâs fairy tale for some disturbing reason. Heâs decided that all the things that have happened donât really makes sense and that even the wolf seems too⌠much like a book character to be real. He notices a few scars on the wolfâs flank and on his legs and figures that the wolf must have fought with some other animal to get them but they donât look vicious. Somehow, they look like they are meant to be there, like the wolf is aware of them and carrying them with a certain pride. This wolf is the kind of animal that would be given a series of touching childrenâs movies, leading a lost human through the woods on a powerful journey to - just to where? Thatâs the thing Namjoon has been trying to wrap his head around for the last half an hour. It doesnât come to him.
A growl leaves the wolfâs throat when Namjoon walks into it and makes him retract his earlier thoughts about the wolf. Makes him realize that this is still a wild animal despite the calm appearance and that the wild animal has stopped walking and also warned him to not run into it again. To keep his distance. To respect its boundaries. When Namjoon looks away from the sleek grey body against the knee-high ferns and wild flowers growing everywhere, he automatically freezes. A stunning light-brown stag is grazing in front of them, all alone and almost glowing in the sunlight slipping through the treetops. It owns a majestic pair of antlers - majestic in both size and form, covered by the fine sort of fur that make them look soft like velvet. When it looks up, Namjoon stumbles a step back, tiny in front of the huge animal. Even breathing - breathing feels like a mercy in front of this animal, like heâs only able to breathe because heâs been allowed to. Namjoon thinks he prefers the wolf as a walking companion - until the deerâs deep brown eyes focus on him and Namjoonâs world begins to spin.
Like magic, pieces of memories start to flit through his mind, recollections of old days and new days, of forgotten moments and forlorn ideas. A youthful looking Jin appears in front of his inner eye, dressed in crappy t-shirts that they would all laugh about fondly now. Memory-Jin shoos Namjoon out of their crappy little makeshift kitchen after letting him wash cabbage and resumes cooking for the members. A hard-faced Yoongi who is stuck with writerâs block for a whole week, a depressed Yoongi in front of a tauntingly empty fridge. Hoseok, holding a pair of smelly sneakers (his sole pair at the time) to his chest as he packs his bags quickly before they leave for some tv program shooting. Jimin, Taehyung and Jungkook, all crying quietly under one shared blankets on Chuseok, Christmas and New Yearâs because itâs the third year in a row that they canât visit their families to spend the holidays with them. The way every hyungâs heart breaks at the sound that their thin apartment walls canât block. A hundred memories flash by, too fast to really stick but not fast enough to not make emotion swell like a tsunami wave. Heâs on his knees, he notices though wet eyes, Jimin no longer in his arms. Namjoon just wishes the stag would stop looking at him. In this beautiful place, it doesnât seem fitting to think about all these memories again - all the bad, painful memories buried underneath the glory of the payoff, of the success, the luxuries.
But the stag doesnât. Instead, it comes closer and closer until its warm breath falls on Namjoonâs chest and collarbones and it feels like the overflow of memories will burst Namjoonâs heart. The big deer musters him like it can feel all of this too, like these are all pieces of a shared photo album, like the stag cherishes them deeply. The warm nudge of its snout against his cheek feels like a whole embrace and Namjoon shudders. In a weird, cathartic way, he wishes he could just burst.
Suddenly, a shock goes through the stag. It jumps away in fright, letting Namjoon fall to the ground.
âWhatâs going on?â
To his right, he sees the wolf, poised and full of tension, looking somewhere between the trees and nudging Jimin under its belly. Namjoon canât see anything. Jiminâs ears point to the same direction as the wolfâs ears. What did they hear?
âDokkaebi,â the raven croaks from one of the trees. It must have come back when I saw my memories. It croons, âdonât cry, moonchild, donât cry. Itâs fate, donât cry.â
Namjoon canât wrap his head around the ominous words. He knows what a Dokkaebi is, obviously, but the rests sounds like itâs some fantasy novel- prophecy type shit. He really hopes that nothing bad will happen. Dokkaebis are good, arenât they?
The wolf and the stag apparently believe that something bad will happen because the wolf looks even more tense than before, fangs peeking out and eyes wary. The stag walks around to keep an eye on all of their surroundings, hooves scratching up the ground every now and then. Neither makes Namjoonâs racing heart calm down. Whatâs happening? Should we hide?
âListen, Namjoon-ah,â the wolf interrupts his self-talk, âIâm sorry to say this but we canât really do much against a Dokkaebi. You need to remembers this: This is your Essence, your bokjil. Nothing can happen here if you donât let it. Do you understand?â
He pauses, eyes dark. Namjoonâs head is full of confusion. What the hell is my Essence? Why does it feel like weâre seconds away from going into battle?
âYou-you can talk as well?â
âDo you understand?â
âNo,â he presses out between tight lips, feeling immensely frustrated by now. In a way, he feels in awe of the wolfâs wise eyes and he doesnât want to fling all his sorrows on the elegant creature but it just bubbles out of him. âNo, I donât understand anything! From the beginning till now I have not understood one damn thing this whole day. I donât know how I got here, I donât know how to find my hyungs, I donât know why I can understand you-â
The wolf growls. Namjoonâs mouth snaps shut immediately.
âThis is not the time for whining, pup. Clear your head. Remember, we are here and we will help you as much as we can but thereâs a damn Dokkaebi on his way to see you and thatâs not good news. Dokkaebis are powerful tricksters. Donât believe everything you see. I donât know what heâs here for but heâll try to get into your head. Donât agree to anything he propos-â
âHow rude, wolf. Donât judge a whole species for a few individualsâ actions,â a new voice speaks and Namjoon doesnât want to look but he has to. His eyes widen. Violet durumagi. Thatâs the Dokkaebi!?
âYou! Youâre the stalker from before!â
The guy frowns and lets out an indignant huff. He notices the wolf softly biting Jiminâs neck and carrying the cub a little further away, obviously not wanting him to be anywhere near the stranger.
âStalker!? Iâm not a stalker. Do you really think Iâd be chasing you all over Seoul for my own entertainment? Iâm not crazy. I get paid for this, thank you very much.â
Itâs Namjoonâs turn to frown because that⌠is not less concerning in any way.
âPaid? Are you a paparazzi then?â
âAre you kidding? I was sent by the MMA committee.â
The MMA? What do the Melon Music Awards want now? Is this just a misunderstanding?
âThen why are you coming to me? Just call our CEO. He always helps if there is something wrong about the logistics or the shows.â
The man furrows his eyebrows.
âAre you an idiot? What shows are you talking about?â
Okay, rude, Namjoon thinks. Every word this guy says is just plain rude and he has to remind himself to remain calm and collected, to not show any insecurity. It certainly doesnât make sense for anyone from the MMAâs to come to the artists themselves to ask them about anything - thatâs solely the management teamâs task. So Namjoon remains wary of this guy. After all, the animals had also fled from the clearing and animalsâ instincts are seldom wrong.
âIâm talking about our next show in December? I mean, itâs still a really long time until then, but if youâre already planning, I can just call PDnim and we can figure out-â
âWe already talked to your PDnim and scheduled a meeting. That was this morning.â
âOkay, hold on. What does MMA stand for?â
âMagistrate of Magical Affairs, of course. Iâm your case worker and I need to ask you a few questions about Park Jimin and his environment that I hope you will answer truthfully. Of course, our AMI already collected quite an amount of data but like any other UI, sheâs not perfect.â
That hope sounds more like a threat. The wolf growls.
âLetâs sit down, Namjoon-ssi.â
A dark mahogany table materializes out of nowhere, joined by two chairs, one on either side of it. Namjoon sits down, not ready to have a conversation about all this stuff again. He just wants to go home. I hope they are not freaking out about me. Jiminâs legs and his tail twitch as he sits, looking to Namjoon from between the wolf and the stag. He already wonders how heâs going to explain everything that happened to Jimin when he finally shifts back.
âI suppose thatâs Park Jimin.â
âYes.â
Papers appear on the table. They look like official forms. Upside down, Namjoon canât read much of it. Before the Dokkaebi can start asking stuff, a thought shoots through Namjoonâs mind.
âAlright, first question. Who is Park Jimin living with right now?â
âWith me and five other guys.â
âDoes he have close contact to his parents? Does he see them often? Do they come over?â
âNo, thatâs not possible. They talk to each other on the phone, though.â
The Dokkaebi writes something down. He remembers his conversation with PDnim and hopes that itâs not a bad thing that Jimin doesnât get to see his parents much even though he has a feeling that it is.
âSince when has Park Jimin been living with you?â
âWe moved together in 2012.â
âI see. Are there children in your household?â
Namjoon almost says Yes but then realizes that officially, Jungkook is not a child anymore. Neither is Seokjin. So he says, âNo. Weâre all adults. Responsible adults.â
The other man raises a brow but ticks a box on the paper.
Namjoon almost chokes.
âHave any of you ever had a cat?â
âNot that I know of. One of the members grew up on a farm, so I suppose there were cats around. Does that count?â
âIf you would guess in percent, how much time of the day do you spend at home?â
Namjoon sinks a bit deeper in his chair. Be honest, he tells himself. Honestly always wins in the long run.
â10? 10 percent of the day, maybe 15 if weâre lucky?â
âThatâs a very low percentage.â
âOur schedule is very busy currently.â
âWill that change in the foreseeable future?â
âI donât think so.â
âYou do realize that even though cats can be left at home, they do need a lot of stimulation and effort, yes? Especially when they are so young.â
âI want to take him along to work.â
âThat is⌠ambitious. Is your workplace a cat-friendly environment?â
Not⌠really. The studio maybe. An arena full of people? Jimin would stay backstage. Tannie had managed. Namjoon nods confidently.
âWe could make it one.â
That sounds more like a question than a statement and Namjoon hopes that it wonât come across as insecurity. Because he knows that PDnim would do anything to enable Jimin to live his life normally with the others wherever he goes - despite his handicap.
âThatâs not enough. According to the first and the fourth book of the MMAâs additions to the Civil Code, the Magistrate is legally required to assign a qualified caregiver with every Type-3 shapeshifter or hybrid if their parents or further relatives are either absent or physically, mentally or otherwise unable to raise the child in all aspects. This is the law. You know, most people are happy to hear that someone else helps them with raising a shifter.â
âMost people donât value what they have until itâs too late.â
âDo you even know what raising a shifter means? What happens when a shifter like your friend grows up, when his instincts tell him to hunt and kill? What do you do then?â
âI will do whatever I can.â
âAnd thatâs what they all think. Until their shifter child kills the pet. By accident. Until their child attacks the neighbor, a sibling, the parents themselves. Thatâs what the training is for. They need to be taught how to live from the youngest age possible.â
âAnd you think I canât do that?â
âIâm just offering you the best options available.â
âBut you donât get to say whatâs best for a person you donât even know. Yes, maybe I donât have much experience with shifters, but-â
âExactly, you donât. The magistrate has done this since mid-Joseon times so I think we do know pretty well whatâs best for your shifter friend.â
âThatâs bullshit. That logic only applies if you think that this is a task on your schedule. But this is about a person. Park Jimin is a person. And you donât even get one thing to say about whatâs best for him. Firstly, you have never even met him before, let alone asked him about what he thinks about this.â
âAnd you have? How, if heâs been like this for days now.â
âI have not but I will as soon as he shifts back. Until then, I will decide in his place, but I will never undermine his autonomy as a human person like you just did. Secondly, if you boast about the Magistrate taking care so well of every shifter and hybrid in the country, how come the Magistrate didnât have Jimin or even his parents in the registry until now? Shouldnât you have known about him?â
âWell, we didnât- I mean, before AMI alerted us, there were no signs-â
âI donât trust you. Jimin shifted and suddenly, you barge into our lives, saying Jimin should come with you every time he shifts. Maybe there is a reason Jimin wasnât in your registry. Maybe his parents didnât trust you either. Either way, I canât consent to your proposition.â
âItâs not a proposition.â
âWithout my consent, itâs nothing at all.â
âTell me, Namjoon-ssi, have you met other shifters or even hybrids so far?â
Namjoon thinks that he must have, if so many people of the community hide their real identities. He must have walked past so many shifters and hybrids on the sidewalk, brushed past their shoulders, bumped into them in an elevator, in a crowd, anywhere. But he doesnât remember just because he didnât know back then. Thereâs just one hybrid he remembers. Jackson.
âYeah, I have.â
âDid they seem animalistic?â
Just as always, Jackson had been friendly and sociable, with open laughter and a warm hug. Had he not revealed his dog ears and his silver tail, Namjoon would have probably never found out about his hidden identity despite being his best friend. From the corner of his eyes, he sees something moving.
âNo. He seemed - just like I knew him. Human.â
âHe did, didnât he? He must have gone through proper training by either his parents or a mentor. Shifters and hybrids canât afford to be found out and ostracized, so they train to overcome their instincts. Their instincts are overwhelming when they are young and they need to learn how to act like humans.â
Thatâs messed up, Namjoon thinks, but figures that itâs necessary to survive without trouble in the cruel human world. He sees Jimin waddling over to him.
âDo you understand what might happen to Jimin if he doesnât receive training? How it could harm not just the people around him but him, too?â
Itâs a fair point, Namjoon has to admit. He canât imagine how Jimin would feel and think of himself if he killed someone or something else. If he even hurt someone just because he couldnât control himself. Suddenly, Namjoon remembers his first months (scratch that, make it years) in dancing, how his limbs werenât graceful, his movements werenât controlled. Of course, seeing it on Hobi or Jimin was clear and the idea of replicating it exactly was simple, but whenever he tired, he couldnât do it even if he could envision it perfectly. Until a certain point, his limbs were flapping around and it was impossible to make them cooperate. Is that what it would be like for Jimin? Namjoon knows how much Jimin hates losing control. This would be his worst nightmare, probably.
The Dokkaebi seems to take his silence for doubt or hesitance, apparently, because before Jimin can reach Namjoonâs chair, the man reaches for the cub and holds it up by the neck. Without any warning, he shoves two fingers into the cubâs mouth. Taken by surprise, Jimin squirms and tries to wiggle out of the firm grasp but the man just continues to pry his little jaws open.
âSee these fangs? Theyâre made for meat, specifically for tearing into it.â
Jimin whines so loudly that Namjoon has to really contain himself. He canât bear to see his brother being treated like that. His knuckles are white with the force of his fists. The Dokkaebi just goes on.
âItâs is still young but once heâs grown these jaws will be strong enough to drag a fully grown antelope up a tree.â
âLet go,â Namjoon says, âhe doesnât like it.â
The Dokkaebi shrugs, the golden emblems of his durumagi gleaming in the sun.
âIt doesnât like me, I donât like it. Itâs mutual loathing. What I care about is what it likes. Did you know that feral predators donât discriminate? Any living creature becomes meat, even humans.â
I donât like you either, Namjoon thinks grimly. Jimin really struggles, tiny paws pushing against the hands holding him, head twisting this direction and the other. He canât get away and hisses. Namjoon leans over the table.
âLet him go. Heâs still a person and he deserves respect.â
The Dokkaebiâs eyes sparkle darkly as if he had just waited for Namjoon to say that. He lets go of the kittenâs jaw but keeps holding it firmly, hand moving to Jiminâs neck to paralyze him. His voice is deep and daunting.
âAnd will he still deserve respect when heâs grown and turned into a wild beast just because youâre too sentimental to send him away to train?â
Filled with anger, Namjoon glares at the man in Hanbok. But his eyes are drawn somewhere else. The mahogany table disappears, the chairs disappear, Namjoon plops on his butt, while the Dokkaebi just takes a few steps back. Something shimmers in the air beside the Dokkaebi, almost like a fireâs flying sparks being drawn into one shape. Namjoon gasps when it takes form - a fully grown leopard materializes right in front of him. Its massive body looks huge in comparison to Jiminâs kitten body, it would tower over him were the little one on the ground. Even though the leopard only reaches the Dokkaebiâs bellybutton at most, its presence is overwhelming. As if the whole forest vibrates in simultaneous fear and awe of this one creature, as if it feels the low buzzing of danger joining the life-filled and cheerful pulsing of the woods. Namjoonâs back thumps against rough bark and he realizes heâs been walking backwards. The moment the leopard takes its first breath, the forestâs melody collapses. Namjoon almost chokes at the sudden disarray, the jumbled notes clashing into each other like cars on the wrong side of the street. They seem jagged and lost like they canât remember their tempo, their placement or even their key and instead, they jump around and create chaos. It reminds Namjoon of a drowning person who is making the most dreadful noises humanly possible before realizing there is no saving because the screams for help are swallowed by the waves all around. Itâs ugly and raw and if Namjoon would be sent a melody like this for a song, he wouldnât even try to fix it.
His stomach drops and his blood freezes, suddenly unable to maintain a steady flow as his heart begins to pound heavily, The blood rush in his ears does nothing to drown out the low tones of danger building up with every step the leopard takes forward. While he frantically weighs the probability of success of running and simultaneously takes careful steps backwards, the notes how much darker the forest looks now. At first, he doesnât think it could be due to the new predator whose own threatening melody intimidates the forest into a frantic arrhythmia - the sunlight still flickers through the treetops - but then the leopard steps into the center of the clearing. Thereâs a dark aura around the cat - an inverted glow, as if it was drawing all the light from the atmosphere and keeping it locked away in itself.
Namjoon breathes heavily already, without having run an inch. The adult leopard stands still, steadily breathing, chest moving, ears twitching to capture every sound, tail resting low. He looks like a sharp dog waiting for a command. Namjoon really wishes that none would be given, that they could just keep their distance and be fine. Donât move, he thinks. And then, at one twitch of the Dokkaebiâs eyebrows, the leopard takes another step.
âWill you still think that a beast like this should be given respect? When it discovers that itâs born to be a hunter? A killer?â
Namjoonâs eyes widen when his eyes meet the leopardâs, when the amber lights in them go dark like the darkness swallowing up a long forgotten candleâs last flame.
âWhen it realizes that fresh meat is better than whatever crap they mix together in those pet stores?â
The grass is silent under the leopardâs paws. Its muscles move elegantly under the beautiful rosetted fur of the vicious cat. The perfect killing machine, a documentary narrator had explained Stealthy, skillful and merciless. Namjoonâs heart pounds frantically. He thinks of running. His mind short-circuits. He runs.
Almost immediately, a body knocks into him, brutally pressing him into the ground. Everything goes dark with the collision. Namjoon groans, has difficulty estimating the degree of his injury. All he feels is pain. When he opens his eyes again, the leopard bares his fangs right in front of his face. Heâs trapped. Trapped underneath the perfect killing machine. All the dead prey heâs seen in the documentaries flashes by his eyes. He whimpers, canât believe heâll just become another piece of prey. Leopards mostly go for the throat. They paralyze their prey with a forceful bite, then go for the kill. Namjoonâs hands go for his throat in a feeble attempt to shield it. Heâs not sure if itâs smart or even any protection at all.
âWhen they discover that they crave the taste of blood?â
Blood. Namjoon weakly realizes the thereâs blood dripping from the leopardâs jaw and snout. He chokes, feels his body spasm against his will. When the leopard leans in, face coming closer and closer, Namjoonâs hands shoot out to hold him away, to press the catâs face away. Fear drives a stake into his heart when dark red drops roll down his wrists, his arms. His entire hands are covered in blood, so much blood that it canât possibly come from the catâs fur. Am I bleeding? Tentatively, Namjoon feels around his throat again. Itâs wet, everything is wet. Blood in massive amounts. He shudders, fighting the way his lungs constrict and burn. A flash-like memory pushes its way into Namjoonâs inner eye like a cold slithering tendril before he can defend himself from the intrusion. Images flash. From a third perspective, he watches himself on the ground and the leopard caging him in. He watches the leopardâs furious lunge and the way its jaw closes around his throat, the way blood blubbers forth as if he were a fresh spring coming to life. The leopard bites until the flesh is bloody and raw, an open wound. The precursor to a powerful death. The leopard growls and Namjoon is ripped out of the vision which he understands to be the Dokkaebiâs point of view.
âDo you still think a beast like that deserves respect when the first victim dies? When they bleed out in your arms?â
Namjoon canât stop choking violently, canât breathe, canât focus. The leopard still or perhaps again has its massive fangs in his flesh like a vice grip, unrelenting and unbeatable and Namjoonâs vision blurs a little. With the blood loss comes freezing coldness. Panic sets in slowly but sinks deeper with every moment. Am I really dying? Am I dying? Again, the leopard rams its fangs into Namjoonâs throat, rattling his entire body. When his head lolls to the side, grey fur moves in front of his eyes. He hears a voice. Dokkaebis are powerful tricksters. Donât believe everything you see. This is your Essence, your bokjil. Nothing can happen here if you donât let it. Do you understand?
Is this⌠an illusion? As Namjoon tries to push the leopard off, his hands drive deep into the fur. The cat pulls off, growling like hell. Thereâs a long moment the leopard and the boy stare into each otherâs eyes. Namjoon feels his own heartbeat pulse through his open flesh in hot, painful surges. Thump, thump, thump. Then - realization. He stares at his fingers, then at the wild cat. His hands are buried deep into the fur, so deep he can feel the outline of bone against his skin. The catâs chest is pressed against his as it presses him into the ground. And yet. No heartbeat. The leopard has no heartbeat. Itâs an illusion. The knowledge explodes like a bomb inside Namjoonâs mind, inside his body.
âYouâre not real,â he gasps, almost laughing in relief. As if heâs opened the door to a dark room, clarity and light flood everything. The blur in his vision disappears, all the pain just vanishes in one go, so quickly that Namjoon almost feels floaty. The pressure on his throat disappears, Namjoon can think straight. Even the leopard disappears like it was never there. He feels his throat. No blood, just smooth skin. The sensation is surreal after being caught in the the cruel illusion. Namjoon sits up. Heâs exhausted even if heâs fine. I want to go home, he thinks.
When his eyes fall on the Dokkaebi holding a whimpering Jimin down, he swallows. You can do this. This is not about you. This is about Jimin, and youâll do anything you can to protect him. He trusts you. This Dokkaebi is just trying to intimidate me. The wolf right next to him, radiating a comforting warmth. I am not alone.
âI said, let go of Jimin.â
The cub starts running as soon as the hands leave his fur and he tucks into Namjoon immediately.
âShhhh,â he whispers, rubbing the little oneâs head, âitâs alright. Iâm here, Iâm okay, see? Shhhhh.â
He lets Jimin sniff around as much as he wants, the cub desperate to be comforted by a familiar scent.
âI will respect Jimin no matter what happens. I will respect his wishes and not decide over his head. Every person needs to be respected, everyone. Lack of respect and love are what turns people into psychos, not lack of training. Not even shifters.â
âI donât think you understand. If you donât choose for him today, I am authorized to take Park Jimin in custody until his trial ends. The mere fact that heâs lived as an unregistered shifter for so long needs to be investigated. After that, he will be sent to the Academy either way.â
âAnd how is that respecting his human rights?â
The Dokkaebi smiles.
âBut heâs not human, is he? Human rights donât apply to him, smartass. Heâs a shifter. Itâs time for you to understand what that means.â
Thatâs a crass way of saying it but it really hits Namjoon. That canât be true⌠right?
âSo⌠we need to find a trainer for him to be able to keep him?â
âWe as the MMA offer classes at our very own Academy to guarantee professional supervision and a guided training period. Since you are VIP clients, we would only charge you half the tuition fees and make sure Jimin receives upgraded treatment there.â
âThere?â
âThe closest Academy campus is located outside of Seoul, in the mountains and woods of Gapyeong-gun.â
âWhat! Why is it so far away?â
Gapyeong-gun isnât too far outside of Seoul but itâs difficult to get there by car. Public transport is even worse. Namjoon knows it means they wouldnât be able to see Jimin much anymore - driving to school, being there for class and driving home in the afternoon would already take more than half of the day. Heâs gonna miss early dance practice, vocal training and a lot of interviews, Namjoon thinks.
âWith over 500 students of all kinds of genetic denominations, itâs slightly difficult to find a fitting environment to meet every studentâs needs in Seoul, Namjoon-ssi. The Academy is in the woods to grant space, freedom and anonymity.â
âI see⌠but we canât drive up there every time Jimin has class.â
âOh, I think there might be a misunderstanding⌠the Academy is similar to a boarding school. He would stay there for his entire study period.â
That means - we wonât see Jimin at all? Or just a couple of days per semester? On the weekends? Assuming the Academy even allows students to receive visitors.
âNo. Jimin canât just leave for a semester. Do they have online classes?â
âOnline classes are not practical, Namjoon-ssi. Young shifters require hands-on training, not theoretical teaching.â
âYou canât be serious.â
âI am.â
âIs there no way one of those mentors would come to us to train Jimin?â
âUnfortunately, they are always short on staff so that wonât be an option. Unless you find a private tutor with a Caregiver and Mentoring Certificate, Jimin will have to attend school like anyone else.â
From some corner of his mind, Namjoon hears Bang Sihyukâs voice. No one can know.
âThatâs not an option,â Namjoon says. âOn so many levels.â
âItâs the law.â
Namjoon breathes. He doesnât know what he expected from the day when he put his feet on the carpet by his bed for the first time this morning, but it wasnât this. The Dokkaebiâs eyes bore into Namjoonâs face, he can feel it.
âAre you perhaps⌠suggesting I break the law?â
The atrocity of the phrase makes Namjoonâs head snap up.
âOf course not,â he snaps, then, calmer, because heâs not a snappy person and he reminds himself of all the people he represents, âof course not.â
I will not allow scandals, Bang PD had once said. If any of you see any of the others or even a staff member do something illegal or even consider doing something illegal, weâre gonna have a long talk. I know you boys by heart. Youâre kind, hardworking and talented. I will do anything in my power to support you but I will never enable people to abuse their position.
âYou had me worried there, Namjoon-ssi. For a second.â
âIâm just saying that there are two things that cannot happen no matter how we turn it. Jimin canât go to the Academy. And he canât go without training. We need to find another solution. I trust you to find a different way.â
Itâs this point that Namjoon fears. Because he has no idea about the MMAâs bureaucracy, about the rules or the law. He doesnât want to engage in illegal activities. But he canât not leave everything up to fate or luck either, and this is where he needs the Dokkaebiâs honest help.
âWell, there are other waysâŚâ
âWhich are?â
âExpensive ways.â
He hopes it doesnât involve corruption but he feels like a gangster with his next words.
âMoney is not an issue.â
âMoney!? Are you really offering me money? Thatâs a weak currency.â
âReal estate?â
âDo I look like I need real estate?â
âWhat then? Business shares?â
âIâm not greedy.â
âWell, what is it?
âYou know, some creatures thirst to feed on your emotions, your dreams, even your blood. They love the taste of a conflicted soul. But I am not that cruel. I wouldnât even dare to suggest such crude things-â
âGet to the point. What do you want?â
âYour soul.â
The forests still before the Dokkaebiâs lips press closed. As if under a spell, even the clouds draw together and the menacing darkness in the Dokkaebiâs eyes falls over the clearing. Namjoon shivers, feeling cold, feeling tiny, feeling empty. For the first time of his life, he understands that heâs sharing a table with a predator. From this distance, running wonât make a difference, not when the forest obeys the powerful man in Hanbok; begging wonât change a thing, not when Namjoonâs chairâs armrests are chilling and rough like a cageâs bars. No, Namjoon has only his words and he knows he needs to put them in the perfect order to find the one way to get out of this situation unharmed. From the corner of his eye, he notices the deer and the wolf, helpless onlookers by the misguided force of his own lips. They look sad, fur no longer shiny in this low light, heads no longer held high in this awful suffocating silence. As if their souls had been drawn out of them with the threat of Namjoonâs loss.
âThe way I see this,â Namjoon reiterates, slowly, praying to breathe life back into the forest with his warm voice. Thereâs still hope, he reassures himself. I have many words. Words are my playground. No reason to despair yet. âItâs a bargain, yes? We will bargain.â
âI am not a monster,â the Dokkaebi says. Namjoon canât tell whether thatâs supposed to reassure him. He takes it as an affirmation when the man waves his hand, signaling him to start.
âFirst of all, what do you want my soul for?â
âIs that really your biggest concern?â
âOf course. I will not agree to anything if I donât know what will happen to my soul. Letâs be honest to each other.â
âHonest, hm?â
All books and films and stories aside, thereâs not many occasions Namjoon has heard people even mention their soul or anything related to it. Thereâs no way of knowing what a soul means in this world of super natural creatures, the value it has, if itâs different for the different creatures. What you can do with a soul. So yes, even if he has to argue and talk his mouth off for hours, he insists on knowing every little detail he can get. He is aware, of course, that any information the Dokkaebi shares could be a lie, but Namjoon has seen liars before, knows some signs of it. Knows he wonât let others do just anything to him.
The Dokkaebiâs face pulls into a smile that so⌠heavy that Namjoon isnât sure what to make of it. From the dark look in the manâs eyes, the gaze that he directs at his own hands, he dares to believe that smile is not meant for him.
âDo you know how people turn into Dokkaebis?â
Namjoon has to reign in his mind to not think about the tv show and instead rake his memories for old tales that he may have been told by his grandmother or other elderly from his neighborhood when he was young. All the Korean books heâs read in his youth. Nothing helpful pops up.
âIâm not sure⌠you die with a sword in your chest?â
The wooden table aches with the forceful slam of the Dokkaebiâs hand. Namjoon flinches, pants, hopes to never see anyone scowl at him again like that.
âDo I look like frickinâ Gong Yoo!? Frickinâ Koreans - has this entire nation watched that show!?â
A bead of sweat trails down Namjoonâs neck. He fiddles with the ring on his finger, shrugging.
âIt was a good show. Funny, too.â
âNothing about being a Dokkaebi is funny. Itâs a curse,â the Dokkaebi growls as he tugs his durumagi sleeve back into place. âJust like this atrocity.â
Honestly, thereâs not many Hanboks Namjoon has seen in real life with authentic golden emblems sewn into it - the kind that a king would wear in a drama. This durumagi must have either belonged to royalty before (but it doesnât look very old) or been exclusively tailored for this man because thereâs no way that he could have gotten this in a normal Hanbok store. It kind of reminds Namjoon of their 2017 MAMA outfits. This must have been expensive, too. Too expensive for a random foreigner with no regards for Korean culture to spend money on. Why did he get a Hanbok overcoat like this if he doesnât even like it?
âCruel of God to put me into this for all eternity, isnât it? The garb I was butchered in.â
As if a hole is torn into reality, Namjoonâs strained but collected vision is directed towards the Dokkaebiâs stomach where blood starts to flow into the fine fabric with shocking vigor. Namjoon almost stumbles backwards in his seat, the chair creaking as he leans back, his mind telling him to get away, get away. Even the scent of blood is out to shock him. It stings in his nose, as if to show him how real it is. No wound is visible behind the slashed textile but Namjoon is sure that he wouldnât be able to look at it anyway. This is already crass enough. Jimin seems to smell the blood too, raising his head and sniffling the air. Namjoon does his best to placate him with kind caresses and a slight push for him to stay down, to lie back down and sleep.
âUgly, isnât it?â
He should have notices the teasing tone of the Dokkaebi. Should have noticed, well, everything around the blood. Should have noticed. Because when he looks at the Dokkaebiâs face, another layer of reality has been torn away. He feels bile force its way up his throat, feels terror claw into him. In the chair across the table sits the body of a young man, shape and visage so unrecognizable it might have been a different person altogether. A cold breeze rushes through the trees around them, shaking the powerless leaves around as it likes.
The disgusting taste of bile reaches Namjoonâs mouth and he shudders, swallows, presses his eyes shut, swallows and swallows until thereâs enough spit to wash everything away for a second or two. He dares to look up, look back at the Dokkaebi. His face is - not a face. It resembles a farming ground that has been plowed thoroughly - deeply, brutally, with force. The flesh of his cheeks just hangs off his face in tatters, like shredded wet tapestry thatâs supposed to be removed and clings to the wall pathetically, his left cheekbone sticking out like crushed wood good for nothing but to feed a fire, and thereâs blood everywhere between the swollen flesh, the torn nose, the ripped off eyebrow as if it was the only thing holding the disfigured pieces together. The only thing thatâs sort of intact are the eyes - eyes that have not lost the piercing ire thatâs following Namjoonâs pupils as they wander across the massacrous sight, almost like guard dogs making sure he wonât dare misstep even once. By the time Namjoon even locates the Dokkaebiâs throat between the wet, bloated flesh and the sharp pricks of white that had held the manâs jaw in place once, there are tears streaming down his cheeks. He shuts his eyes, praying that this face will not become the center of his nightmares for the rest of his life. When the Dokkaebi leans his face into his hand, which is also torn apart, flesh swelling between deep bite marks, joints hanging off the bone loosely, thereâs an ugly squishing sound. Namjoon really wants to vomit. Jimin squeaks, terror in the high-pitched sound. The tiny cub thrashes in Namjoonâs hold but his hands feel numb, canât hold the cat. It falls off the chair, squeaks some more, and runs.
âPlease,â he begs, âplease stop.â
âDid you know,â the Dokkaebi says, jaw crunching while he speaks, âthat a supernaturalâs powers never work on themselves?â
âNo,â he croaks.
âNever, Namjoon-ssi. So I can hide this from you and the entire world but never from my own eyes.â
âWhy did you have to show me?â
âLook at me again.â
âNo, I donât want to.â
âLook at me again. I will answer your questions.â
By now, mind occupied by the intensity of disgust and just overall sickness, Namjoon doesnât even know what kinds of questions heâs asked before or if he still wants them answered. Raising his eyes back onto the horrifying sight takes more than a few seconds of encouraging and reassuring himself. He whimpers when the sticky red of the blood and the gruesome white have not vanished, but follows the Dokkaebiâs finger. Namjoon canât help but pull up his shoulders, wishing heâd be somewhere else, wishing he could just go back to his normal life when the man in Hanbok puts his fingers into the flesh by his throat. He chokes, gags, isnât sure who the sound is coming from, and looks at the wolf and the deer. The wolf is low on the ground, nuzzling something in between his paws that Namjoon identifies as a trembling little cat cub. Only the stag looks back, eyes deep and full of sympathy. Please get me out of here, Namjoon begs but jumps when the Dokkaebiâs loud voice demands his attention.
âLOOK AT ME!â
He does. Shivers.
âDo you see this?â
Between the two fingers that sort of⌠pull a more punctual wound open, something white shows up. At first, Namjoon suspects it to be bone but then, the Dokkaebiâs fingers dig deep enough to show the actual bone and itâs clear that the white piece is not a part of it.
âItâs a fang,â the Dokkaebi says, his own teeth showing. When he rips it out of his throat and throws it away, it takes only a few seconds to lodge itself in the open wound again. He looks at it in disgust. âThis is the sword in my chest.â
âGreat,â Namjoon groans, âIâve seen it. Now make it go away.â
âCan you imagine the one thing thatâs worse than all of this?â
âWhat is it?â
Namjoon feels sick. Sick to his stomach, sick to his bones. Sick like even vomiting wonât bring relief. Sick like he hasnât felt sick since the beginning of his life. Sick like he wonât recover till the end of his life if this doesnât end soon.
âThe fact that all I remember from my life as a human is my death - the way a pack of wolves tore into me, clawed me apart until I became this. That I am forced to watch myself die every single night. Becoming a Dokkaebi is a punishment.â
The Dokkaebi pauses, must have found mercy in some hidden, unharmed corner of his body, and lets some sort of magic cover his face until he looks like a normal human being again. For some reason, it doesnât loosen the icy grip the vision of his face has on Namjoonâs heart. He knows what he sees but his heart doesnât follow up on it, not when it knows whatâs underneath the mask. When the blood stains disappear from the Hanbok, Namjoon and the whole forest take a deep breath, like the last second of winterâs chokehold has passed and everything dares to hope for new life.
âI canât heal or even become free until I find these beasts and kill them. I may seem powerful to you but I am not a war hero. My illusions will not be enough to trick a powerful Alpha - not when thereâs a whole pack of wolves following him. They've all had a taste of my blood, what do you think will happen if I try to kill their Alpha?â
Namjoonâs head is still reeling. He doesnât really want to talk anymore. If at least one of the members were here. Yoongi, perhaps. Or maybe just the wolf and the stag. Anyone. Comfort. He pulls himself together and speaks, even if his voice is trembling.
âSo you collect souls. To become more powerful.â
âSort of, yes.â
âAnd what happens to the person who sells their soul?â
âIt depends on the contract they make.â
âContract?â
A new piece of paper appears on the table, flat between them, innocently white against the dark wood and Namjoon feels his heart pound quickly at the sight of it; as if it knew what kind of paper it is. He remembers all the times heâs been standing on a tower in the pool, ten meters above the ground, then letting himself fall into the water below. His body feels the same rush of losing control, sitting in this chair but looking at the paper and Namjoon needs a second to gather control over his mind again. When he takes a second look, the paper doesnât call forth adrenaline and memories and his ears pop open to hear the sounds of the forest. The Dokkaebi speaks first.
âThis contract specifies our deal - I receive your soul for three months in return for letting Park Jimin live with you instead of taking him to the Academy.â
âAnd how can I be sure that itâs only for three months and that you wonât be taking my soul and do whatever you want with it for all eternity?â
âThink of it as a Netflix subscription⌠if your free trial is up, the subscription ends.â
Namjoon frowns. ââŚthatâs not how Netflix works... Do you even watch tv?â
âWhy would I not be watching tv? Thereâs lots of good showsâŚ. How To Get Away With Murder, and-â
âAnyway,â Namjoon says, âwhat happens to me in those three months? What does it mean for me if you have my soul?â
âI donât need your memories, your emotions or any of that. I merely need your soulâs strength, the horsepower of your soul so to say. In those months, you will probably not be very productive and drift in your thoughts a lot - your mind will automatically drift to me and what Iâm doing. But youâll live normally.â
âThatâs not enough then,â Namjoon says. He isnât sure if thatâs too bold to say but he knows that they had agreed to bargain and bargain he will. An idea pops up. âMy soul is worth much more than that.â
He seems to have hit the nail on the head because the Dokkaebi frowns.
âIâm in the international business. An absence for three months will result in million-dollar losses. Nowadays, the world doesnât really run without me. But whatâs most important, I have a family to take care of and a leopard shifter brother I need to raise - I want more in exchange.â
âWhat do you want?â
âHow sure can I be that the mentor you pick is good for Jimin and that our CEO will even accept that person?â
âAre you challenging me?â
âNo. Iâm saying, every mentor must have undergone training themselves. You mentioned a license?â
âThere are classes to train mentors and caregivers.â
âGood. Enroll Min Yoongi and me. Weâll do the classes, weâll take the exam, whatever. Weâll take care of Jimin.â
From the expressions of the Dokkaebi, itâs not discernible how much it is that Namjoon is asking for but from the long silence, Namjoon gathers that it must be a big deal. Whether itâs about sneaking them into the system or breaking the law, he doesnât care. These are the conditions. I will do whatever I can to make Jimin live the best life possible.
âThe class takes three years of teaching. I canât keep the officialsâ eyes away from you for that long.â
âWell, do we have to be present or do we just need to pass the exam?â
âYou need to pass the exam.â
âWhen is the next one?â
âIâm not sure. In five months? I think the exams take place semi-annually.â
âGreat, put us on that list. Weâll be there. Weâll pass it.â
The Dokkaebi huffs and rolls his eyes.
âHumans are so stupid. Look, you donât really think you can learn the stuff from three years of class in five months, do you? Especially when youâre just human.â
âGive me a guidance counsellor then. Something like a tutor.â
âWhat?â
âSomeone to tutor Min Yoongi and me. Someone with experience, a person whoâs taken the classes before.â
âI-thatâs- youâre asking for a lot, Namjoon-ssi.â
âMy soul is worth a lot.â
The forest sings around them as if nothing bad could ever happen here and with every chirp of the birds, Namjoon feels something in his blood surging, like a connection. Almost as if he can feel the grass growing, stretching towards the sky and bathing in the sunlight. By the side, the deer and wolf sit. They look more relaxed than before and Namjoon likes to think itâs because heâs taken control of the situation. The Dokkaebiâs eyes are calculating but also⌠curious.
âIâve never met a human who actually knows the value of their soul.â
Namjoon is not Seokjin, so he doesn't think it's the right time to fling in some cheesy pun or snarky comment like, of course, my soul's just as handsome as my face.
âSo, what happens to my soul if you die fighting those wolves?â
âGood question. I guess youâd have to hire someone to find it for you.â
âFind it???â
âI suppose so. Iâll make sure your guidance counsellor slash tutor will be able to find your lost soul in case I die. If I can even die. Otherwise, Iâll just bring it back to you.â
âThatâs not reassuring at all! What if someone else finds it first? Someone bad?â
âWe could always bind it to an object? Something small, something you can keep on your body?â
Namjoon thinks about all those EarPods heâs lost. He shivers at the mental image of his soul falling through some sewer on the street.
âMaybe not too small?â
âI wonât need your soul anytime soon anyway, so weâll find an adequate object until then. When I need it, Iâll notify you. That all?â
Namjoon looks at the paper and finds that every word has been recorded on the paper in fine calligraphy. It looks like an old Hangul script that he find in museums. It makes him wonder how magic works, how many kinds of magic there are and if itâs anything like he would imagine. If people could really use magic for good, just like Tata with his little ray gun.
âSo you want to use my soul to execute revenge.â
âI want to find the people who killed me and make them pay, yes.â
âHow about you bring them to the police?â
He should have seen it coming but somehow, he didnât. The Dokkaebi gets up faster than Namjoon can even register and slams his hand on the table. His eyes are angry, his whole body tense.
âYou think they would even care!? No one cares, no one cares for a punished soul! And even if, I donât think itâs your business how I deal with my stuff.â
âI think it is, considering that itâs my soul youâre taking. I donât want it to be used for violence.â
âBut you want your little brother to stay with you, donât you?â
Of course Namjoon does. Also, besides wanting Jimin to stay with the group, thereâs also a couple of rules Namjoon canât ignore. No one can know, PDnim had said specifically. We need to keep him safe, Yoongi had pointed out. Even if Jimin wanted to go, Namjoonâs hands would be tied.
âJimin canât go,â he says simply, hoping that he wonât have to explain. Itâs enough reason. The Dokkaebi nods, as if his reason is the same. Enough.
âThen you canât care about what I use your soul for. This is the deal. Take it or Jimin will have to go.â
A wave of uncertainty rushes through Namjoon. What can I say to make him reconsider violent behavior? Itâs natural in the world to use violence for violence, Namjoon knows that and canât help but feel disappointed at the realization that itâs no different for the supernatural world. But still, even if thatâs the natural way, thereâs another path thatâs worth taking - Namjoon knows this especially.
âThereâs no freedom in-â, he wants to say but the words are stuck in his throat. A cold shiver crawls up his legs like a horde of insects scrambling over each other between his bare skin and his clothing. He looks around, feeling as though time stands still. Everything is still as it was a second ago, the Dokkaebi, the mahogany desk, the wolf, the stag, the trees. But itâs all silent as if someone had turned the birds, the trees and even the frogs off. As if the whole forest is holding its breath for something major to happen. The sunlight still falls through the treetops but it flickers, dipping the clearing in an unsteady light, never quite passing warmth to Namjoon even when it brushes over him. What is going on?
He notices something stirring from the corner of his eyes. When he turns, the wolf and the stag are moving, moving around something. The wolf nudges something, licks and nuzzles his snout into a lump, a naked human body on the grass. The body moves, lifts its blonde head. Jimin? Namjoon is holding his breath along with the forest. It takes minutes but finally, the boy moves more, sits up, encouraged by the wolf that moves around Jimin in gentle steps, tail wagging slowly. When Jimin rubs his eyes like heâs just woken up from sleep, Namjoon canât help but smile fondly. Jimin shifted back. The Dokkaebi makes a surprised noise by his side but Namjoon ignores him, standing up and walking towards Jimin, who has also found his way up. Their footsteps towards each other echo, hitting grass, little rocks and flowers. Namjoon thinks they echo from within his chest. His racing heart pumps blood through his ears. He sighs in relief when a hand touches his shoulder, closes his eyes for a last time before he lets himself be convinced that this is real. When he opens his eyes, he gasps, even if the image before him is not new. Jimin really stands in front of him, hair in disorganized strands as if heâd run, eyes big and tears wetting his entire face. Heâs crying, sobbing and something is wrong with the image of his younger brother but Namjoon canât figure out what, so he tries to touch Jimin. The skin is familiar and warm and the touch makes the younger shake even worse. Sunshine turns into rainy clouds over their heads.
âHyung,â Jimin gasps, voice broken and small. His breath brushes over the goosebumps on Namjoonâs skin in fast little waves. Too fast.
âJiminie, you shifted,â Namjoon rushes to smile warmly, grabbing the boyâs shoulders, âyou changed back. How did you do that?â
Jimin looks around, eyes wild as he searches the area around them. For what, Namjoon doesnât know but the fear in Jiminâs face makes his heart break. He wills his big hands to calm and to quickly wipe Jiminâs cheeks like Taehyung and Seokjin always do to calm him. Jimin whimpers and lets himself be drawn against Namjoonâs chest. Normally, he wouldnât really do this, but Jimin shaking like a leaf definitely isnât normal. His little chest is falling and rising too fast and Namjoon feels like heâs holding a delicate bird in his arms. Drops of rain start falling, start trailing long paths over Jiminâs bare skin.
âWhatâs happening, Jimin-ah? Tell hyung whatâs going on, hm?â
What is going on inside his head? Are there side effects to shifting? Is he in pain? Does he remember anything?
Jimin smells good where his hair is right underneath Namjoonâs nose. Itâs reassuring to see him back in human form of course but right now Namjoon dares to think that maybe Jimin has shifted back at the wrong time. What if the Dokkaebi will try to take advantage of him? When heâs this vulnerable? What if he just takes him and I canât do anything? Namjoon is careful, trying not to overwhelm Jimin but he finally has the opportunity to get the answer heâs been dying to hear ever since Jimin found him in the woods.
âJimin-ah, is Suga-hyung here too? Did you come here with Suga-hyung?â
âHyung,â Jimin breathes, voice fragile, threatening to break while new tears flow out of his beautiful beautiful eyes, âhyung, will you really send me away?â
The forestâs melody dies down into an ugly silence. No buzzing, no life. Namjoonâs heart shatters. Shatters like itâs just a thin slice of glass not meant to withstand anything. He feels the shock crawling into his own face, driving tears into his own eyes. A whisper of betrayal hangs in the air and Namjoon swallows heavily. Before he can say anything, Jimin grabs his arms. Pleading.
âHyung, please no. Please, please donât send me away. I would never - I, please, please, I want to stay with you. I love you all so much, I canât-â
He cries, cries like he hasnât since a long time ago, since he was younger and more fragile in his spirit, too dependent to reassure himself. Big tears roll over his cheeks, big tears like fat raindrops falling after a forest fire and Namjoon is reminded of that one time heâd found Jimin in the shower, under the running water where he had been for three hours until everyone started looking for him. The water had washed the tears away of course but the redness in Jiminâs eyes and the way heâd curled up on the floor instead of standing had given it all away. In the end, Hoseok had helped him to breathe while Taehyung had patted him dry and given him little kisses on his forehead. Jimin didnât sleep that night, confiding hoarsely in Taehyung, and had seemed better afterwards but never spoke of it again. The next day, Namjoon was informed of the death threats that had been announced against Jimin and Jungkook and the concerts PDnim had canceled because of it.
âJimin, I-â
âPlease tell me you wonât give me away because Iâm different now. You said- you said youâd always love me.â
The tears are real, they slide down from Jiminâs cheeks onto Namjoonâs hands, warmly but clinging onto their skin desperately as if afraid of falling. Namjoonâs heart pounds, strains, tries to escape his chest and engulf Jiminâs to make him feel protected, secure and loved.
âThatâs,â Namjoonâs voice breaks, âthatâs never gonna happen, Jiminie. We wonât send you away. Weâll never send you away, okay? Youâre our brother, you can decide what you want and weâll always be here for you. We love you so much, youâre our Jiminie.â
Under Namjoonâs hands, Jiminâs tears are wiped off and when he looks at his dongsaeng again, the deep sadness is replaced by glimmers of hope. A pout is on Jiminâs warm lips as he mumbles, âpromise?â
âI promise.â
The way Jiminâs face lights up like the golden sun breaking forth from behind the clouds is everything. If he was any more sentimental, Namjoon would probably really believe Jimin was an angel. But thereâs something⌠unsettling in the way Jiminâs beautiful eyes start looking glassy. Glassy if thereâs some sad part of him that canât believe Namjoonâs promise.
âBut would you⌠would you really sell your soul for me?â
Namjoon breathes, feels lightheaded, feels the air rushing inside his lungs, rushing in, rushing out. Feels peace in the rush. Wants to give the same peace to Jimin. The tender love Jimin always gives but never expects to be given in return.
âJiminie, itâs because of my soul that I can serve you and the members. I will fight for you with all that I am but I donât know if I can give my soul away and still-â
Itâs difficult to say this and to see the hope in his dongsaengâs eyes flicker and turn into new tears. Jimin presses his eyes shut, a bitter smile on his lips.
âI trust you, hyung. If you want me to suffer, I will. Youâre my leader. I will always follow you. Youâre my home, you know that, right?â
âI know-â Namjoonâs voice completely breaks. This is the worst heâs ever felt towards Jimin even if the younger is smiling at him, he knows that not doing it would make him think that he betrayed Jimin forever. In the rain, it looks as if Jiminâs whole body is crying violently. With a start, Namjoon knows. I have to protect him in any way I can. If itâs this sacrifice, thatâs life. It will all turn out well. It always does.
âOh, Jiminie. Youâre my home, too. We will never send you away.â
For a second, he becomes a witness of the sunrise thatâs Jiminâs smile. It swells along with the crescendo of the forest, swells into a warmth that soaks into Namjoonâs body. It's so beautiful, almost like it can make up for all the shit and all the disgustingness his day had brought. Namjoon wraps his arms around Jimin, letting his nose get buried in Jimin's neck, just the way he knows Jimin likes to be hugged. And then it happens. With an ice-cold start, Namjoon realizes that something about this is wrong. He realizes what has been bothering him at the back of his mind for their entire conversation. Why the chill on his legs had never gone away. He hadnât felt Jiminâs heartbeat. Even with his fingers digging into Jiminâs cheeks, into Jiminâs shoulders and while holding his head against his chest by the neck, Namjoon hadnât felt Jiminâs heartbeat pulsing under the delicate skin. Just like the leopard - the illusion of the leopard. Within seconds, Jimin dissolves like a ruined reflection in a lake - and Namjoon looks straight into the dark, gleaming eyes of the Dokkaebi. The Dokkaebi who is holding a whining leopard cub in his arms. The only weak comfort are the red stripes on his hands that look suspiciously like claw marks.
âHow heartwarming. Now, let's move on.â
Namjoon gasps like heâs resurfacing after a long dive. He holds his chest but canât find the hurting spot. It aches from deep down, hollow. Around him, the rain is back and crashing down. The initial peace is nowhere to be found. An illusion. It was - it was another trick. Namjoon slides off the chair, canât hold himself, sinks to his knees, gasping for air. It takes more than a minute to come back to his senses, the nausea overwhelming. The forestâs song has turned into a mess, an arrhythmical clashing of dissonant sounds.
âHow- how did you do that?â
âHmmm, I didnât do anything. Your imagination is really powerful, all it needed was a tiny push. Now, if youâd sign here and here⌠You have come to a decision, have you not?â
Namjoonâs heart pounds furiously and he starts to believe that people saying âfollow your heartâ clearly havenât ever stood before decisions like this. One side of his conscious knows that the Dokkaebi is a supernatural being and that thereâs no way he could ever take this guy on but the other side of his mind tells him that every creature has a weakness and that a trickster can be defeated through a trick. But thereâs no real way to tell whether he can even win this game or not - other than trying. His hands are shaking so he puts them into the wolfâs fur. The touch ignites a prickling sensation, almost like little lights crawling into his hands to give courage and strength. And if this is the last thing I try, I have to do it. For Jimin.
âI-I made my decision.â
âAnd which is it?â
âI decide not to tell you. You didnât tell me I had to tell you what it is, you only said that I needed to decide.â
The twitch in the Dokkaebiâs eyes gives it all away - itâs a valid loophole and the Dokkaebi has not expected Namjoon to find it.
âThatâs unacceptable, you canât-â
âIn fact, I can. This is my Essence, my bokjil, isnât it? Nothing can happen here if I donât allow it. I could just go back and report you.â
Namjoon feels like thereâs hot courage boiling in every vein. The wolf nudges his cheek in silent praise. It feels like victory. Until the Dokkaebi laughs.
âOh, Namjoon-ssi, how do think you got here in the first place?â
Namjoon hates the patronizing tone.
âDo you really think youâre so great that you can transport your physical body into your soulâs landscape yourself? And how do you think you will get out of it without my help? Do you want to wander your own soul for the rest of your life and never go back?â
Everything shatters. Shatters like itâs final and thereâs no saving left for this mess. Shatters like the melody is irreparable, useless.
âGive me Jimin first,â Namjoon croaks.
âSign first. I will give him to you right after.â
âYou have been tricking me left and right. How do you expect me to believe you say the truth?â
The Dokkaebi laughs.
âHm, I see we have a bit of a misunderstanding here. You see, I havenât lied to you. Tricks and lies are really two different things. Lying means intentionally misleading someone. A trick is just a suggestion. If you fall for it, that's your bad. Also, I do have some honor. Iâm not a liar. I always keep my word.â
Namjoon shudders, feeling empty, feeling defeated. His shoulders sag, his chest hurts. I just want to go home. Thunder shakes the sky and lighting crashes down when the pen in his hand scratches over the rough paper. The ground beneath his feet turns to mud with the myriads of water drops catapulting against it. Everything is wet, the uncomfortable sort of wet that youâre not prepared for even with an umbrella and a rain jacket. The drops are invasive, driving straight through Namjoonâs clothes and pressing obnoxiously against his skin. Itâs unrealistic and illogical but Namjoon fears that they might dig through his skin and pierce his organs if he doesnât get out of here soon.
The Dokkaebi smiles when Namjoon puts the pen down. The mahogany desk disappears behind a new veil of rain and Namjoon feels unprotected with nothing firm between the Dokkaebi and him. He sighs in relief when Jiminâs wet snout, wet fur, wet body touches his fingers, when the little one mewls in his arms.
âItâs alright, baby. Iâm here. Itâs alright.â
âI believe weâre done here. It was a pleasure to meet you, Namjoon-ssi.â
He should be glad itâs all over, should be glad this weird meeting is coming to an end and he will go home and all but all thatâs left on Namjoonâs mind is the feeling that heâs missing something. That heâs been tricked beyond simple illusions, bereaved of answers, options, freedom, god knows what else.
âWait,â he says, barely able to keep his eyes open in the strong rain, âwhy me? Out of the millions of souls in Seoul, why did you pick mine?â
He notices a grey figure moving through the rain. Wolf? The Dokkaebi seems to notice it too but instead of being intimidated by the animal that could tear him apart any second, he speaks calmly.
âAs I said before. Each beast has its own preferences.â
Heâs gone in the blink of an eye, the dark glint in his eyes and the wicked smirk on his lips the last things Namjoon sees. He smiles weakly, finally able to breathe now that the menace is gone. He looks down at Jimin in his arms, finally safe. In a gesture meant to calm the shivering cub, Namjoon lets his fingers move through the cubâs fur as tenderly as he can, careful not to pull on the strands of hair the printer ink still glues together. Jimin purrs when Namjoon rubs his neck. And then - Namjoon freezes, nausea swelling up like a roaring tsunami. Thereâs no pulse. A dark wave pushes over him, making him numb and deaf, making him drown in himself. The leopard baby falls apart in his hands. Instead of the forestâs melody, thereâs laughter. Namjoon falls to his knees. He vomits. Namjoon sits in the rain, unmoving and alone, only the wolf by his side, silently spending warmth. The rain drops sting.
âHow do you want the song to sound?â
Namjoon has a few ideas already, here between the softness of the pillows and the gentle curls of Taehyungâs permed brown hair and the hazy glow outside the windows where rain keeps running down the glass tirelessly. On the windowsill, a scented candle flickers, spreading its cozy wooden scent. Itâs most likely a gift from Jimin and therefore a treasured reminder of something special for Taehyung.
âIt should sound like tearing your heart out violently. Like crying, too. Because our tears are just like raindrops,â Namjoon sees Taehyung staring into the distance, face grim as little wet streaks trail down his cheeks and drip off his jaw, âwithout the pain, there is no need for comfort. Even if youâre not scared of it anymore, being broken still has to hurt. It hurts every time.â
Namjoon kneels in a familiar living room, shaking, dripping, gasping. Thereâs a puddle of water at his knees, slowly sinking into the carpet. His head spins and heâs nauseous, as if his whole body rhythms and sensory systems have all been overloaded and violated. He still feels the stinging pricks of rain drill into him. Even the comforting and familiar scent of Yoongiâs cooking is not enough to calm him down. Heâs home, yes, but he canât stop shaking. Is this⌠what going insane feels like?
The only sense of relief comes when a small rumbling distracts him from all the noise in his head. A tiny body of violently colorful fur rolls around on a blanket on the sofa to his left. The kitty rumbles, its paws kneading the air while it sleeps. Namjoon doesnât dare to believe it, inherently afraid to fall for another cruel trick. Slowly, he leans over to put a hand on Jiminâs chest. Thump, thump, thump. Peace. Glorious peace spreads in Namjoonâs chest. Itâs real. This time, itâs really real. It seeps through his entire body and Namjoon relaxes, tears streaming down his cheeks. Jimin is fine. Jimin will be fine. I made my decision. It will be alright.
âNamjoon!?â
He flinches when something crashes against the floor. A cup of tea stains Yoongiâs white slippers, the shards in a circle around him like heâs standing in a bombâs impact crater. When Namjoon lifts his hand to wave, his wet clothes feel gross and heavy. Yoongi frowns. One look at Jimin, the paper bag that stands next to the sofa and Namjoon realizes something he hasnât even thought of while in the woods.
âNamjoon-ah. Are you alright? Were were you? Sejin-hyung said-â
Yoongiâs eyes follow his, the genuine concern put on pause when he understands that Namjoon is focused on something else. When their eyes meet again, Namjoon can literally see his hyungâs thoughts.
âDonât say it, hyung-â
âWhere are they?â
Namjoon grimaces.
He forgot the shopping bags in the woods.
masterlist | moodboard masterlist
[ prologue | one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight ] tags: @xmagicxshopx, @taeshuworld, @justanemptydream, @hoodmeup, @gingerpeachtae (wanna join? send me an ask!) â¨
#park jimin#bts#bts fanfic#jimin#bangtan#kim namjoon#jeon jungkook#kim seokjin#min yoongi#jung hoseok#cat jimin#supernatural bts#shapeshifter jimin#wordsturnintostories#show me your rosettes baby g
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those tsukki fluff hcs? i am LIVING. could i get general dating hcs for tobio? đđ good luck with your blog - đ¸
â kageyama as your boyfriend
LISTEN kageyama has a condition where brain is filled by (2) things: volleyball and food. relationships? that doesnât exists. youâre gonna need either a miracle or a saintâs patience to get anywhere with this nerd, whichever works best for you.
i hope youâre well aware that your luck is on a negative count from the get-go, since 1) his knowlodge about romance is next to none and 2) heâs dense as fuck. even if heâs the one to develop feelings first, he wouldnât act on those any sooner because he doesnât even gets whatâs going on. he just goes ( ??? ) whenever you smile at him and thereâs this funny feeling around his ribcage and heâs 100% sure itâs hunger. so, unless you have the guts to fess up first⌠get ready to simp over this boy for the longest time.
that or until his teammates ( namely, suga ) do a divine intervention âcause damn, heâs so grossly in love, and if kageyama was already in the dark we fucking lost him, because what does it means to be in love??? thatâs not a position or a game tactic as far as heâs concerned.
he even goes as far as to seek the textbook definition on dictionaries and spiel to himself like a damned mantra in the hopes heâll get it but guess what? he doesnât. if anything, he just further confused with the poor intent of describing such abstract concept with big words.
the whole process of realization is so agonizing and infuriatingly slow, it has gotten to the point where all da fucking team is up to date with the tragedy and theyâre even making bets as to how itâs going to end ( tanaka and noya are putting all their money to kageyama not ever knowing about his feelings, ennoshita and the third-graders still have a bit of hope for their son. the first-graders are just enjoying the shitshow. )
but when it finally hits him⌠that thereâs no better place than the one by your side and he couldnât possibly have it otherwise⌠then itâs over for both of you.
once tobio is set his way, thereâs no stopping him. hell, he might as well blurt it out as soon as he sees you, for all he cares. âit seems like iâve fallen in love with youâ.
but now you returning his feelings??? the most unrealistic and unlikiest scenario. his monkey brain definitively didnât think out this far and now heâs in shambles. youâve to spent half of an hour explaining to him that, all of it apparently means that you can be âa couple or somethingâ and you can literally see his braincells combusting through his eyes.
are you going to clown him for his confession for the rest of his life? yes. do you hold the moment close to your heart regardless? Yes You Do.
needless to say, kageyama as a partner is awfully awkward. the boyâs barely familiar with platonic relationships, dating itâs like walking blindfolded onto unknown territory. heâs going to need you to teach him the ropes !!! ( not that youâre complaining, of course youâre not complaining )
being as unapproachable and volleyball-crazy as heâs known to be, i think many people depict kageyama as someone who doesnât fully invests himself onto his social relations, especially the non-platonic field; because yes, to kageyama, volleyball comes first and foremost, but heâs just as devoted and earnest when it comes to his teammates and friends, and more importantly, you. once thereâs something that means a lot to kageyama, heâll give everything he has to offer, and you arenât the exception to the rule.
while volleyball still takes most of his time and that wonât change under no circumstances, you can tell he does his best to spend the scarce time he has to spare with you. juggling between his passion and his loved one is not an easy task, but kageyama knew what he was applying himself for and thereâs no way heâll be half-assing, no sir!
at the very least, he always makes sure to walk you home. even if that means heâll have to return afterwards to the gym, because he always trains âtil very late and thereâs no way heâs gonna keep you waiting that long for him ( you keep telling him itâs fine, that you donât mind waiting, but he doesnât relents âno. im taking you home first, then practice. and thatâs final. now come here, dumbass.â )
he also calls you every single night before heading to sleep! he canât stay long on the phone because he needs to go to bed early for morning practice, but just being able to hear your voice⌠to know about you and your day⌠is more than enough for him.
honestly it never fails to melt your heart when he begins talking in this raspy, low voice and you can tell heâs sleepy by the way he mumbles his words so you tell him that itâs ok for him to go to sleep now but he just shakes his head in spite of the fact you canât see him and goes like âi still have a couple of minutes left. i want to hear your voice.â like honestly GET FUCKED !!!!!! HEâS SO LOVELY IâM-
kageyama understands if you have different interests and things youâre passionated about ( in fact, heâll even try it out just so he can something to share with you! ), but, truly, nothing would make this blueberry as happier than you showing the tiniest bit of interest into volleyball. sometimes, the topic creeps onto your talk and unavoidably, tobio switchs to full nerd mode and starts geeking out about the matches and stuff and heâs just so giddy about it but then he freezes, and realizes he might be info-dumping you about something you probably donât even care about, so he kinda cuts himself before going on⌠but the look of sheer happiness he offers you when you encourage him to go on? how his big, doe-eyes lit up once you ask him to explain you more carefully? can you possibly fathom how joyous it makes him to know he can get the best of his favorite things together?
to be honest, youâd expect him to be less considerate and act more fit of the self-centered, entitled king role he has been grantedâ not saying that he doesnât slips and has his bossy moments of no filter, because he does, but the thing is: heâs surprisingly open to your opinions, too. over time, heâs been taught that communication is of utmost importance and the only way to understand others and have them understand you, and heâs firmly sure that applies to every aspect of his life. he wants you to know that, just as he speaks his mind, youâre free to do the same.
itâs ok if you argue, itâs ok if your points of view donât match, because that means youâre talking to each other, and thatâs way better than letting things sink without actual closure. kageyama learnt that the rough way. his speech might not be the most articulated or refinated, but he tries his best to get his points accross without unecessarily hurting your feelings. communication is so crucial to him, please, keep it in mind.
with that being said, kageyamaâs prone to be unromantic and even insensitive at times with how he voices his opinions, because heâs no concept of sugar-coating and wonât hesitate to tell you if you suck at something, or flawlessly ignore your efforts to put on a lovey-dovey mood. but if you talk him about it and express that youâd like him to have some more tact, heâll take the note! âtact? ok, ok. iâll.  try to be as tactful as possible from now on and⌠read the mood? but i make no promisesâ ( spoiler alert: he keeps telling you that you suck but now he lets you have a sip of his milk and pets your head to soften the blow. )
and speaking of physical affection⌠god, kageyama is an utter stranger to pda. i mean, the boy is just a prude, unripe blueberry. he doesnât know how it works, heâs not used to it, and the last thing he wants is to go and do something thatâll put you on a tough spot. your comfort is one of his main priorities, so you have to let him know whatâs ok and whatnot, then heâll start getting the hang of it. once he does, youâll find out that kageyama is, as a matter of fact, one of the most touch-starved persons youâll come accross with.
he just canât seem to get his hands off of you, in the most literal and non-sensual way possible. be it small gestures like your hands brushing together, shoulders bumping, or your heads resting against each othersâ, kageyama just craves the feeling of your skin against his. despite how bad he denies it, heâs pretty clingy.
youâve picked on how much he apparently enjoys holding hands, and petting your head, for that matter. you donât know why, but his hand would always makes its way atop your head. it has even gotten to the point in where he does it out of habit, and when you ask him whatâs wrong he just replies ânothing? why do you ask?â
i think kageyama has two stages while heâs on a relationship. the earlier ones, where he cannot lock eyes with you for more than give seconds before going all blushy and stiff, and the advanced ones, in where physical contact has practically become a must and one of his primary functions as a human being to operate naturally.
kageyamaâs hugs are so freaking awkward at first⌠thereâs no guides about this. does he just envelops you with his arms ??? and then stay still like that ??? what if he hurts you by holding you too tight ??? oh my god heâs even holding his breath while heâs at it SOMEONE FREE HIM-
and donât even get me started on the kisses. LISTEN YOU DEFINITIVELY CLASH YOUR TEETH DURING YOU FIRST KISS AND YOU ABSOLUTELY CANNOT CHANGE MY MIND ON THIS ONE !!!!! knowing him, he needs weeks of mental preparation and advice from his god-send suga-senpai before going for it, and when the moment comes⌠he goes too hard for literally no reason and right after youâre both on the floor whimpering âcause that shit HURTED.
âow, ow⌠tobio WHAT the HELLâ âoh, PISS OFFâ
well, at least he has an excuse for rehearsing!!! donât worry, heâs a fast-learner ;))))
cuddling is just about the same you guys spend all day squirming in order to find a comfortable position and itâs just a mess⢠of limbs and giggles.
âwait⌠maybe if i put my arm around hereâŚâ âwait, tobio, youâre tickling me-â â??? donât laugh !!! STOP LAUGHING THIS IS NOT FUNNYâ
but once you finally manage to settle down, god, itâs so pure⌠kageyama loves to have you in his beefy, setter arms as much as he loves being hold by you. the crook of your neck? a heavingly place for him to rest his head and which belongs to him and him only !!!
look kageyama is so weak for physical affection iâm not even kidding. all you need to calm him down is to rub his back soothingly and heâll even forget why he was so mad about to begin with. the amount of power you hold over this boy⌠it genuinely surprises people to see how tame heâs when it comes to you. everyone can agree that if kageyama has a weakness, thatâs you.
tobio is not the one to get particularly cheesy or romantic, everyone knows at least that much. however, he has this thing in where he genuinely voices out how great he considers you to be without batting an eyelash which of course makes you super flustered because âwhy are you getting so cheeky for?â â??? itâs the truth thoughâ SHUT UP IM SOBBING.
you know how slow and oblivious your boy is, so the last thing you expect is him being able to read you as easily? it takes its sweet time, but within the years, kageyama steadily learns to understand you and how do you operate. your habits, your body language, what makes you happy or upset, he knows all of it. he can tell when somethingâs off just from a glance, yet heâs so nonchalant about itâ like itâs obvious to know whatâs on your mind. now, does he know how to act knowing this? not really, but give him props, he tries his best!
with all that has happened to him, it should come as no surprise the fact kageyama can get pretty insecure in the relationship. itâs not like he doesnât trusts or you ( god, the boy could trust you with his life ), but you canât blame him for letting his insecurities get the best of him. heâs just so, so afraid⌠that one day youâll notice how unlikeable he truly is and you end up leaving him, like most of the people have done to him in his lifeâŚ
tobio desesperately needs the reasurrance, the words of affirmation, to bask on the feeling of knowing heâs so deeply loved, and that heâs no such thing as an unlovable person. i hope you let him know that, just as he lets you know how grateful heâs for having you in his life.
all in all, kageyama can be a blunt, awkward and more than a bit dense partner, but heâs striving to become a better version of himself day by day, so, he secretely wishes youâll put up with him a little longer.
#đ¸ anon#answered#IM SORRY I GOT SO CARRIED AWAY BUT I HOPE U UNDERSTAND WHEN U FUEL MY MONKEY BRAIN WITH MY LOVE FOR TOBIO . SHE GETS SHIT DONE DKJFSGH#my heart belongs to (1) boy#hh you're so sweet froggy anon !!! i hope u know i love u and cherish u endlessly djkh#thanks for requesting!#haikyuu x reader#haikyuu x you#kageyama x reader#kageyama tobio x reader#kageyama tobio x you#kageyama x you#haikyuu headcanons#kageyama headcanons#kageyama tobio#blueberry boy#haikyuu!!#hq!!#hq x reader#hq x you#filed under: karasuno#filed under: kageyama tobio
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My Ultimate Reading List
So, Iâve been thinking about making this for a long time. Iâm exactly that reader, who likes rereading favourite stuff. But even though I reblog things I would like to come back to, tumblr is still a lil shit with searching through my tags, esp with 18+ content.
This list was made purely for me, but if it helps you to find a fic or a writer youâd love, Iâd be only happy. I tried to make navigation easy. For blurbs links go to my reblogs, for oneshots and full lengths links go to the original posts. I try to check links from time to time, but if you see that some of them donât work, please, hmu.
* stands for the implied smut
*** stands for the pure smut
This list is far from finished, thatâs just the first things that came to mind and/or were reblogged. Still have a ton to add. So will update it every now and then.
NOTE, pls: Thereâs no Michael content here! And thatâs not because I donât like him or donât appreciate him enough. I guess, itâs quite the opposite tbh. Thereâs no Michael content here because I appreciate him too much. I love this cute little kitten, heâs the most precious soul and, most of the time I think, there would be no 5sos without Michael Gordon Clifford. I just donât have any fantasies or images of him in me, donât see him in any way romantically. Thatâs why I donât read (or write for that matter) about him as main character. I understand, that I miss a whole lotta great authors and fics because of that. Maybe itâll change in the future. But for now, it is what it is.
Also HUGE SHOUT OUT TO THE PEOPLE WHOSE WRITING IS ON THE LIST - THANK YOU FOR THIS! THESE FICS AND BLURBS BELOW HAVE REALLY GIVEN ME ALL TYPES OF FEELS, INSPIRATION, MOTIVATION AND CONTENT. IâM FOREVER GRATEFUL FOR THESE WONDERFUL GIFTS YOU GAVE TO ALL OF US.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, WONDERFUL PEOPLE! ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU!
Oneshots
Ashton
Heartbeat by @gigglyirwin [Classic fluff and one of my all time faves]
Our Shining Star [Dad!Ashton] by @myloverboyash [Special thank you to @lashtoncurls for the tracking down the runaway author lol]
At the End of Night by @bringmethehorizonandpizza
Surprising Turn of Events* by @bringmethehorizonandpizza
Blindfold*** by @cal-puddiesâ [Cashton smut which is too hot for this world]
Finding Joy by @bringmethehorizonandpizza [You, Ashton and adopting a cat drama, love love love]
Ainât nobody got a drummer like mine*** by @myloverboyash [Drumming and banging đ at the drum kit]
I Can Love You In The Shower*** by @myloverboyash [Cute giggly shower sex with a little bit of trauma]
Calum
Redamancy by @cakesunflower [Heart wrecking fluff]
Birthday Getaway by @etherealhood [Cuteness and romance overload]
Valentineâs Day*** by @letsfuckndance
Lucky Shot In Paradise*** by @cakesunflower [Bartender!Cal]
Heartbeat by @uncrownedqueeen [Dad!Cal]
All These Years by @felicitycal
Blindfold*** by @cal-puddies [Cashton smut which is too hot for this world]
No chemistry*** by @novacxlum [Heartbreakingly great college enemies to lovers]
Where were you in the morning?* by @ snapbackcake [If this ultimately truthful but sad af one wonât make you cry, consider asking for help, because itâs too sad but also beautiful as hell]
Let me good to you*** by @snapbackcakeâ [The description says itâs 6.8k words of absolute filth, and I have nothing else to add besides of what a great filth it is, so, 18+ kids]
Road Trip: Cake*** by @softforcalâ [Er, Cake threesome, idek what to say here]
The Little Spoon by @gigglyirwin [Classic fluff]
Luke
Boyfriendâs little brother*** by @lukehemmingssmut [There was also a second part promised, sooooo ^.^]
Fuck me like you hate me*** by @myloverboyash
Full lengths and Serieses
Ashton
Hate sex Series*** by @irwinofficial Tell Me How Much You Hate Me, Our Kinky Secret, Good Enough, No Longer A Secret [one of the best Ash smuts ever đ]
Calum
Sugar Coated Pain by @cakesunflower [Boxer!Cal] [Thatâs what I lost my 5sos-fanfiction-virginity to, so, hey, Summer, thanks for the experience lmao]
Cigarette series*** by @cal-puddies [Best friend!Calum and a lot of hot smut đ] Cigarette, Corona, Rolling Papers, Black on Black, Stuck [which was later replaced by the next part, but Iâll put it as long as it exists on the original list of parts, but donât get confused], Navy Button Down, A Hotter Touch, Pancakes, The Second Thing, Ours, Losing You, Little toes, Holy Water, Date Night, Me, You and Little Hood, Five Years Later
Best Friend Pact Series by @calumh-excess [Iâve been crying like a baby over it] Best Friends, To Lovers, And Now Parents, But Never Forgot They Are Human
Wherever you are by @mysticalhood [Long distance with Cal and tons of tears with me]
Dates series by @calpops [this is so cute i higkey donât want it to end like ever] First date, Second date, Second date pt2
Blurbs
All 4
First responders!5sos series by @calumsendgame and @heartbreak-5sos Â
Character template
Police officer!Ashton First meeting, Meeting under cover, Late night at her apartment part1, part2***, Kittenâs Kitty, Ash being overprotective
Firefighter!Calum Coming home after shift*
Paramedic!Luke Coming home late, Exam preparation
Dad!5sos series by @calumsendgameÂ
Dad!Calum Working at home, Baby boy Hood canât leave Duke
Ashton
Cashton besties by @myloverboyash [Iâm still crying over this]
Farmer!Ashton series by @calumsendgame HeadCanon, Losing the baby, Leviâs at the hospital, Willowâs teenage depression
Pregnant with a werewolf!Ash by @flannelpunkcalum
Valentineâs Day sex*** by @softforcal
Cashton threesome*** by @paqueretteash
Overstimulation*** by @paqueretteash
Telling Ash youâre pregnant by @paqueretteash
Dealing with a teenage daughter by @i-calumhood
Accidental injury by @i-calumhood
Friend to lovers by @myloverboyash
Pregnancy cravings by @i-calumhood
Ashton and Joy by @bringmethehorizonandpizza [second part to Finding Joy]
Cuddle buddies by @i-calumhood
Best friend!Ash staying over under any possible excuse by @i-calumhood
Ash leaves you his clothes before going on tour by @asht0ns-world
Being pregnant with twins by @i-calumhood
You leaving surprises in Ashtonâs baggage by @i-calumhood
Ash being nervous about kissing you by @angelbabylu
Calum
Riding Cal for the first time*** by @i-calumhood
Cal eating you out by @flannelpunkcalum
Your picture on Calâs home screen* by @softforcal
Giving Cal head while heâs on the phone by @softforcal
Shower sex*** by @i-calumhood
Cashton threesome*** by @paqueretteash
Calum realising heâs in love by @permntvacaticn
Fighting with Cal by @cakesunflower
Calum comforting you by @honeycombcal
Surgeon!Cal blurb, second one and third from me by @cakesunflower [One more million thank youâs for letting me write for it!]
Stealing his clothes by @sweetcherrylu
Dad!Cal teaching his son to play bass by @paqueretteash
Cheek kisses by @i-calumhood
Kids cuteness by @i-calumhood
Small kisses by @calumh-excess
Sickness and sex*** by @heartbreak-5sos
Hammock cuddles by @heartbreak-5sos
Wide awake at 1 am by @reallycalum
Hot morning by @i-calumhood
Angry sex*** by @i-calumhood
5am by @saintlaurentcalum
Morning by @cakesunflower
Moving in by @i-calumhood
Duke being protective over your bump by @ singt0mecalum
Duke being a cockblock by @i-calumhood
Dad!Cal with your little girl at Disneyland by @c-sainthood
Dad!Cal with shy lil girl by @c-sainthood
Luke making Cal awkwardly confess by @etherealhood
Cal fucking you till you tear up by @flannelpunkcalum
Taking care of Cal when he���s stressed by @i-calumhood
Unrealistic scenarios by @i-calumhood
Hate fuck at college*** by @i-calumhood
Brownies and board games by @rip-lukes-balsamic
Calum confesses he wants an eternity with you by @i-calumhood
Lounging on the couch with Cal and Duke by @calpops
Brining your newborn baby girl home by @sublimehood
Dad!Cal reads to your baby by @c-sainthood
Fuck besties with Cal*** by @flannelpunkcalum
Calum leaving for tour and youâre a mess by @myloverboyash
Dad!Cal, kids and pancakes for mommy by @i-calumhood
Quickie before leaving for the party*** by @sublimehood
Youâre drunk and Cal takes care of you while you confess your undying love to him by @i-calumhood
Coming home to Cal and baby sleeping by @c-sainthood
Car sex*** by @i-calumhood
Cal calling you âmy girlâ by @calvmofficial
Cal taking you backstage from a crowd to fuck*** by @sublimehood
Duke protective over baby hood by @singt0mecalum
Baby hood playing with Duke by @singt0mecalum
Cock warming with Cal*** by @calpops
Clingy Cal by @i-calumhood
Sex with dad!Cal while kids are sleeping*** by @flannelpunkcalum
Jealous fwb Cal and hot bathroom*** by @honeyedhood
Calum wakes you up to go stargaze by @myloverboyash
Fake kisses at the coffee shop by @rip-lukes-balsamic
Talking about marriage and kids by @calpops
Saying the L-word* by @softforcal
Coming home to a sleeping y/n by @rakkaroses
Cuddly Cal by @rakkaroses
Running away from an event to eat french fries by @i-calumhood
Waking up to an empty bedside by @reallycalum and her anonymous
Waking up to a shirtless Cal by @i-calumhood
Luke
Calling Luke Buttercup by @i-calumhood
Fake dating by @c-sainthood
Breastfeeding by @i-calumhood
Riding Luke in a bus bunk by @hereforlukescruff
Blowing Luke while heâs in a suit*** by @hereforlukescruff
Post-divorce dad!Lu fluff by @calumh-excess
#writingrecs#readitbeforeyoudie#i will love this till my dying day#i love you all#5sos#5 seconds of summer#5 seconds of summer fanfic#5 seconds of summer fic#5 seconds of summer imagine#5 seconds of summer blurb#calumhood#calum hood fanfic#calum hood imagine#calum hood fanfiction#calum hood blurb#ashtonirwin#ashton irwin fanfic#ashton irwin imagine#ashton irwin fanfiction#ashton irwin blurb#lukehemmings#luke hemmings fanfic#luke hemmings imagine#luke hemmings fanfiction#luke hemmings blurb
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âStill nervousâ Song Kangâs truthfulness of âě˘ěí늴 ě¸ëŚŹë(Love Alarm)â [interview] Netflix <Love Alarm> Role of Hwang Sunoh Actor Song Kang
<Love Alarm> is a story of characters who live in a world in which people can find out who likes who through an app called âLove Alarmâ when a person that you like is within 10 meters from where you are. Hwang Sunoh is a very popular guy whose alarm keeps ringing after another. The appearance of Hwang Sunoh is so perfect and very cartoonish.
Therefore, when production of the actual version of web-toon was made, Hwang Sunohâs character drew a lot peopleâs attention. Many original fans predicted that it would be too difficult to find the right person for his role due to his unrealistic look. But Song Kang did it. He got the role after competing with 900 potential candidates and he was the perfect man for the role.
First main role since his debut which was 2 years ago. Song Kangâs excitement and nervousness.
Actor Song Kangâs first acting started with tvN <The Liar and His Lover> in 2017. After that, he also acted in  <Man Who Sets The Table> <Beautiful Vampire> and after 2 years since his debut, he is on the screen to meet viewers from all the 190 different countries as a role of Hwang Sunoh from Netflix Series called <Love Alarm>. This year, he is only 26 years old. He expressed his excitement and nervousness that comes from first main acting role.  Â
âWhen I did reading practice in my first act, I was sitting at the rear seat and now that I have the main role, I sit in the front. The burden was big. âCan I do thisâ, âI donât have enough experience yetâ. What if I donât have enough energyâ...such thoughts would come up in my mind and I couldnât fall asleep. Thanks to that stress and deep thinking, I got to realize the joy of acting a little. (smile)â
- It was not only the first main role, but also the first act on Netflix. How did you feel when you watched the completed work?
âI didnât have enough time to watch so I was going to watch just one or two and ended up watching the whole thing. It was very funny. (smile) When I was on camera, I wasn't sure if I was doing right or wrong. But unlike my concern, editing was done really well. I was satisfied.â
- If the âLove Alarmâ did exist in the world, how many times of your alarm do you think it would ring. I think you were as popular as Sunoh when in school.
âNot as popular as Sunoh but I got a lot of chocolates or candies during breaks. Maybe two or three alarms? (told him that was a humble answer) Oneâs true heart has to come to me so I think that is more than enough. Even just one alarm is very thankful to me.
- As you make Sunoh character, have you thought about anything specific?
âSunoh is different before he meets Jojo, while dating, and after breaking up with her. Director told me that the reason he chose me was because he watched my two different acting in each audition. I think that he saw my capability of expressing these parts differently. Actually in the webtoon, Sunoh doesnât speak or express much at all, so I thought it would be difficult to deliver his emotion to viewers without words or expressions. So, I tried to be more expressive than the role in the original.â
-The original hasn't been finished, but looking at the story so far, Jojo seems like she would be with Hyeyoung. As a role of Sunoh, a bitter ending is expected?Â
âI actually prefer sad endings to happy endings, so if I had a choice, I would take Sunohâs sad ending. Sunoh wishes for Jojoâs happiness and if Jojo is happy with Hyeyoung, Sunoh will be happy too. But wouldnât he be curious to know why he was dumped all of a sudden? I was frustrated when I was acting. He begged her but Jojo keeps saying no. I hope that lingering affection would solve. (smile)â Â
- There are a lot of actors who are the same age as you are. How was it?Â
âIt was great. All the three people have good personalities, so we communicated with each other well. I was new but had no problem in asking questions. As we got closer to each other, it was more enjoyable. â
âTension with seniors, I like itâ
- You act with veteran actors such as Jung Kyung Ho, Park Sung Woong from currently broadcasted âWhen The Devil Calls Your Nameâ. Any lesson youâve learned from them?
âIâve learned so much from them. Every day, I write in my journal after shooting until a page is full. At first, I was thinking that âIt would be difficult if I work with senior actorsâ, If I make a mistake, they will scold meâ and I was stressed about it. But when I did work with them, they were so nice and made me feel comfortable. We sometimes played together and they worked with my acting so it was nice. Like senior actors, I want to feel all kinds of emotions and act and I really like the tension when I work with senior actors.â
- Among the senior actorsâ advice, what do you remember the most?
âWhat I really liked was when I was told âdo what you want to do, and I will work with itâ They taught me how to move when acting and how to be more noticeable and how to stand in front of lights and every little detail. The way senior actors stood in front of the camera was different from how I stood. I need to learn from a to z from them so I canât just say one specific thing. â
- Is writing in a journal a habit or way of training?
âAs I was admitted into a college in Seoul, I started living by myself and I was so lonely. I naturally started writing in a journal. I had a hard time about 2 years ago and at that time I wrote every day and I compared myself from a year before and I healed my mind and I gained a lot of confidence as well.â
- About 2 years ago, it was around your debut. After your debut, you had a difficult time?
âAfter debut, about half a year, I had a hard time. After being admitted into a college in Seoul, âI got itâ with that thought, I just spent a year, since I was working for a big company, I was thinking that everything will be okay and I spent another year. My debut was late and Iâd heard that I wish you were a little younger. Every time I heard that I felt like I wasted my time and regretted. I had low self-esteem and it was difficult. â Â
Things that make Song Kang nervous
- Debut at the age of 24 isnât that late. Isnât it? I think that you were fast excluding friends who debuted as children?
âI still hear about my age even now. I was nervous when I found out my friends from college made their debut before me and they were doing well. I was worried that everything wonât go as I wished for. (I told him that getting the main role after his debut which was 2 years ago is pretty fast) If you think that way, Iâm thankful, but my mind is nervous unlike my thoughts.â
- When did you first decide to go for acting?
âUntil I graduated from high school, I had no dream. My friends went to college, but I didnât, so I felt empty. Around that time, I watched <Titanic> and I really liked expression of Dicaprioâs eyes. Because of that crush on his eyes, I started acting. I signed up at acting school and every person did a monologue. I wasnât good at it and I was so shy, but I kept going with the thought of âLetâs just do it for a monthâ and I was getting better and used to it. So I thought I should finish itâ
- So right after that, you got into acting major, which I think that things like college admission, debut, and main role have been going well for you at a fast speed. I would say confidence fits you rather than nervousness?
âNervousness comes from the lack of basic skills. I started late compared to my friends and because of my fast debut, I couldn't attend a lot of acting classes. I didnât have enough time to prepare so thatâs why. So I read newspapers and I study watching senior actorsâ acting like video lessons. These days I practice watching <Descendants of the Sun>â
- I think that you were able to pass the audition out of 900 candidates because you didnât get regular acting lessons maybe? Not cookie-cuttered, new acting?
âNot sure, Iâm thankful that I continue to have this chance, but now I act in a drama, I worry whether If Iâm doing well or not and for the first time, I wanted to feel like running away. The only way to overcome the stress was writing a daily journal. Through many experiences, Iâm getting stronger, but still there are lots of things to learn. I need to hang on and do it.â Â
I want to become a growing actor in each work. Â
- Is there any genre or a character that you want to try?
âNot focused on any genre or any work, I want to act in a work that shows who actor Song Kang is. I need to prepare for that. No matter how good a scenario is, I canât just accept it if Iâm not good. My current goal is to act in a work that I will be really good at. But if I get a chance one day, when Iâm mature and I can express extensive emotions, I would like to act as a character that has deep darkness inside.â Â
- Song Kangâs first introduction was made to the public. What actor do you want to be in the future?
An advice from senior actors that was written repeatedly in my journal is âhumbleâ. To be an actor who doesnât forget to be humble, I will try to remember what they said.Â
<Love Alarm> is the first work that opened my eyes to the joy of acting. I had the pleasure of communication and joy of working in the set. Through  <When the Devil Calls Your Name>, I came to think about people. During every break, senior actors would give me advice and help me out so I thought what âa good personâ is. From these two works, I hope acting and Song Kang grew up a little.
When viewers think of my name, I want them to think that I put a lot of my effort into my acting and that I grow up from acting in each work. Iâll try my best to do so and please watch me.
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The Protector
Warnings
Sympathetic Deceit, swords, threats of violence, panic attacks (it's probably really inaccurate), some cursing
______________________________________________________________
đ
Creativity was just minding his own business, lying on his bed and creating epic fantasies about the party Thomas had just been invited to.Â
Thomas was going to be the bell of the ball, and he'll meet a dashing prince who will sweep him off his feet, no, Thomas would sweep the prince off his feet. He would impress him so much that they would slow dance together, and sing a beautiful duet that they made up on the spot, and the party in the background would fade away and they would be in a beautiful forest and animals would sing the background vocals and-Â
Suddenly he felt the attention being torn away from him. His beautiful fantasies were being twisted and corrupted, turned into the worst possible outcomes.Â
Anxiety. This must be his doing. Ruining his perfect creations with his edgy, and honestly unrealistic, scenarios.Â
He absolutely would not stand for this. He was Creativity, after all, he was the prince of the imagination, nay, the entire mindscape. He's non-stop And it's his sacred responsibly to stop this vile villain from hurting his friends and his host.
He jumped up and grabbed his sword, (he would never dream of hurting another side, he wasn't a dark side, after all, but it might be useful if Anxiety needs any convincing.), and sank straight into Anxiety's room.Â
(Well, not straight.)
When he got there he couldn't help but be taken aback at the state the room was in; for one thing, it was freezing cold, and nearly pitch black. And once his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he saw the clothes, books, and other items carelessly tossed everywhere, and the spider webs in every corner! How could Anxiety live like this? There is no way any of this stuff sparks any joy. Did he really care so little?Â
Creativity felt a shiver down his spine as the fear began to set in. Right, he had forgotten this room had that effect. No matter, he thought, a dark and scary room was no match for a prince. he just had to talk to Anxiety and then he could leave. He could do this, he had to.
He looked around and saw a dark figure sitting on the bed.
"ANXIETY!"Â
He had to stifle a laugh as the figure jumped and let out a yelp, clearly not expecting the sudden noise. He walked over to Anxiety and noticed that he was shaking. Good. He should be scared.Â
"Wh- what do you want Princey?"Â
He said in Tempest Tongueâ˘, Ha! As if that pathetic parlor trick could intimidate a brave prince such as himself. And the darkling was stuttering, Creativity smiled to himself, this is going to be easy.
"I want you to stop ruining all my hard work!
" what do you-"
"DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME!"
He yelled, pulling out his sword and pointing it at the villainous side.
"This party is going to be perfect. And you are going to stay out of it. Understand?"
"I- uh- y-"Â
He was trembling like a leaf, pathetic. Just quit stuttering and answer! Then this would be over. It's so easy. But noooo, he had to draw this out as long as possible and make Creativity stay in this disgusting place even longer.
"UNDERSTAND?!"Â
He yelled, gesturing with his sword for emphasis.
"Creativity."
Said a voice, from behind him. he turned to face this stranger and saw nothing but a long black cloak. (God, dramatic much? That's supposed to be his thing!) Nonetheless, he knew exactly which snake-faced side was lurking in the darkness beneath the hood.
Deceit.
"Well, well, well, if it isn't-"
He began before he was so rudely interrupted by the dark side before him
"I'm not in the mood for your games Princey, get out."
"How dare you?!"Â
He gasped, he was preparing to go on a totally reasonably sized rant about respecting royalty and how he could have his head for this when he was rudely cut off again! With a wave of Deceits' hand, Creativity's own hand slapped over his gorgeous lips, silencing him and causing him to drop his sword. Deceit picked it up and pointed it at the regal side.
"I said Get. Out. UNDERSTAND!?"Â
He yelled, gesturing with the sword for emphasis, it nearly cut him
Creativity nodded and Deceit lowered the sword and Creativity's hand.
"And take your stupid sword!" He said tossing it at Creativity. It could have cut him! Again!
 What a freak.
                             ***
Logic was furiously attempting to fit in as much studying as possible before the frivolous social gathering that Creativity suggested they attend. And naturally, Morality was all for it. After that, it would be futile to try to convince their host to stay home and study. Even if he was not out-numbered 2-1 no one would have listened to him anyway, they never do.
His thoughts were interrupted when he noticed that he was not alone in his room. Deceit was standing near the doorway.Â
He did the logical thing and tried to call for help. But before he could even get a word out Deceit flicked his wrist and silenced him.
"I don't have a lot of time, so listen to me very carefully. You are going to give me the information I need as quickly as you possibly can and you are not going to ask any questions. Are we understood?"Â
Logic nodded and Deceit lowered his hand.
"Good, I need all the information you have on panic attacks."
He requested.
What could he possibly want to do with that information? Deceit probably wants to find a way to give Thomas a panic attack, so Logic should make sure not to give him any information that he could use for that. But what if that is not his plan? What if Logic ends up giving him the exact information he needs to hurt Thomas? There is only one way to be sure. Ask him.
"Why do you need-"
Deceit silenced him again.Â
Oh, never mind that was not a smart plan.
"Ya knowâŚ"Â
Deceit said coylyÂ
"This trick is really handy. You can't say a thing, can you?"
Logic shook his head, but Deceit didn't seem to notice and just kept monologuing.
"No need to try to answer, I know you can't. It even silenced Creativity, so of course, itâll work with you."
Logic believes that would qualify as a "burn"
"in fact⌠I bet no one could even hear you if you tried to scream."
Logic's eyes widened with fear.
"But I don't think you want to test that theory right now, do you?" He grinned, his fangs and scales glinting despite no light being shined on them. Illogical, but dramatic and threatening nonetheless.
Logic shook his head desperately. Whatever Deceit had planned for him, it would probably be a better idea to just give him the information he needs.
Deceit dropped Logics hand and for a split second it looked like his smug look morphed into something else, Logic wasn't good with feelings, but he could have sworn it looked like⌠guilt?
But naturally, that's impossible. Dark sides don't feel remorse. They're evil. Or at least that's what Creativity said, and, as Creativity, he would know the most about this illogical, make-believe world they live in.
                              ***
Deceit lightly knocked on Anxiety's door before entering.Â
"Who's there?!"Â
Anxiety asked in Tempest Tongueâ˘. God, Creativity must have really scared him.
"It's Deceit, can I come in?"
He didn't hear a response, technically Anxiety didn't say no�
He really should have asked Logic more questions.
He decided to just walk in anyway.
Anxiety was curled up in a ball on his bed, shaking, with tears falling down his face. He looked so weak.
Deceit was going to f*cking kill Creativity! Did he have no compassion? No sympathy for others? Of course, he didn't; he was the "prince" and therefore he mattered more than the rest of them. And naturally the "dark sides" didn't matter at all.Â
This hellish society is ruled by a tyrant child who thinks his actions don't have consequences. And yet he dares call them the vill-
That's not what this is about. He had to comfort Anxiety. He could focus on dismantling an unjust society later.
"Anx?"Â
He asked softly, sitting down next to him.
"Can you hear me?"Â
Anxiety nodded
"Good. Everything will be okay. I just need you to breathe with me, okay? Breathe in for four seconds; 1, 2, 3, 4. Good. Now hold for seven seconds. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. You're doing great. Now breathe out for eight seconds; 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. You got it! In. Hold. Out. In. Hold. Out."Â
It took awhile for Anxiety to match his breathing, and once he did they kept breathing together for a few minutes.
"Do you feel better?"Â
Deceit asked, making sure to keep his voice soft.
Anxiety nodded
"Can I hug you?"
"Y- yes"Â
His voice was already starting to return to normal.
Deceit wrapped the smaller side up in his arms.
Anxiety clung to Deceit, gripping the back of his cloak, and burying his face in his shoulder.
"Tell anyone about this and I will murder you"
He whispered in his ear
"Of course, "
Deceit replied sarcastically
"Wouldn't want to ruin your reputation of being a fearless badass, now would we?"
"Shut up"
He complained, his voice muffled by Deceit's cloak.
They sat there in silence, wishing they could stay like this forever.
Deceit soon felt his shoulder grow damp. Anxiety was crying.
Deceit pulled leaned away and looked in his eyes.
"Hey, look at me. I know things suck right now, they really suck. But I will fix this."Â
He said with finality
"One of these days, everything will be different."
#thomas sanders#sanders sides#ts deceit#ts virgil#ts roman#ts logan#anxeit#platonic anxiet#sympathetic deceit#villain roman#pre accepting anxiety#angst#hurt/comfort
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Burst Quiz Commercial Real Estate Investing
I read once that in case you took all the real estate lawyers in Illinois and additionally laid them end to end along the equator - it will be a good idea to leave them there. That's what I learn. What do you suppose that means? I have written before around the need to exercise due diligence when purchasing commercial real estate. The requirement to investigate, before Closing, every significant aspect of the property you happen to be acquiring. The importance of evaluating each commercial real estate contract with a mindset that once the Closing occurs, there is no coming back again. The Seller has your money and is gone. If post-Closing challenges arise, Seller's contract representations and warranties will, within best, mean expensive litigation. CAVEAT EMPTOR! "Let the individual beware! " Paying extra attention at the beginning of a advertisement real estate transaction to "get it right" can conserve tens of thousands of dollars when the deal goes bad. It's for instance the old FramÂŽ oil filter slogan during the 1970's: "You can pay me now - or pay me later". In commercial real estate, however , "later" may be too latter. Buying commercial real estate is NOT like buying a home. It is far from. It is not. It is NOT. In Illinois, and many other states, just about any residential real estate closing requires a lawyer for the buyer along with a lawyer for the seller. This is probably smart. It is decent consumer protection. The "problem" this causes, however , is without a doubt that every lawyer handling residential real estate transactions considers by his own or herself a "real estate lawyer", capable of handling any specific real estate transaction that may arise. We learned in legal requirement school that there are only two kinds of property: real estate in addition to personal property. Therefore - we intuit - should we are competent to handle a residential real estate closing, we've got to be competent to handle a commercial real estate closing. There're each "real estate", right? ANSWER: Yes, they are each one real estate. No, they are not the same. The legal issues and negative aspects in a commercial real estate transaction are remarkably different from a legal issues and risks in a residential real estate transaction. Nearly every one is not even remotely similar. Attorneys concentrating their practice managing residential real estate closings do not face the same issues because attorneys concentrating their practice in commercial real estate. This can be a matter of experience. You either know the issues along with risks inherent in commercial real estate transactions - and even know how to deal with them - or you don't. A key point to reconsider is that the myriad consumer protection laws that take care of residential home buyers have no application to - and offer no protection for - buyers of commercial properties. Competent commercial real estate practice requires focused and centered investigation of all issues material to the transaction by a professional who knows what they are looking for. In short, it requires all the exercise of "due diligence". I admit - the actual exercise of due diligence is not cheap, but the failure for you to exercise due diligence can create a financial disaster for the professional real estate investor. Don't be "penny wise and pound foolish". If you are buying a home, hire an attorney who regularly presents home buyers. If you are buying commercial real estate, hire your lawyer who regularly represents commercial real estate buyers. Years ago When i stopped handling residential real estate transactions. As an active business oriented real estate attorney, even I hire residential real estate endorse for my own home purchases. I do that because readily available real estate practice is fundamentally different from commercial real estate. Could be I do "harp" on the need for competent counsel experienced on commercial real estate transactions. I genuinely believe it. I feel it is essential. I believe if you are going to invest in commercial real estate, you ought to apply your critical thinking skills and be smart. BURST QUIZ: Here's is a simple test of YOUR critical believing skills: Please read the following Scenarios and answer any questions TRUE or FALSE: Scenario No . 1: It will be Valentine's Day. You are in hot pursuit of the love you will ever have. A few weeks ago, she confided in you that all the woman ever dreamed of for Valentine's Day was that her mate would show up at her door, dressed in a bright white tuxedo with tails and a top hat, and gift her with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. You've hired the tuxedo, but now you are concerned about how much money you may be spending. TRUE OR FALSE: Since flowers are largely all the same, it is OK for you to skip the roses not to mention show up with a bouquet of fresh yellow dandelions. Problem No . 2: For several years you eyesight deteriorated to the point to barely see your alarm clock. You are now considering corrective eye surgery so you won't need glasses. Your sister-in-law had corrective eye surgery and has had spectacular outcome. She recommends her eye surgeon, but mentions the retail price is about $5, 700 for both eyes and that the particular surgery is not covered by insurance. A few years ago, you had surgical procedure to correct your hemorrhoids and it cost you only eight hundred dollars. TRUE OR FALSE: Since surgeons all went to health related school and are all medical doctors, you are being frugal and also wise by asking the surgeon who performed the hemorrhoid surgery to perform your corrective eye surgery. Dilemma No . 3: Several years ago, when you first got married, you quizzed a former classmate who is a lawyer to represent a person in the purchase of your townhome. The cost was only $375. A year later, you started a family and decided you will needed a Will. The same attorney prepared Wills available for you and your wife for a total cost of $700. You will started your own business and your attorney friend formed the corporation for you and charged you only $600 plus the price tag of the corporate minute book. Years later, when your child was arrested for misdemeanor reckless driving, your solicitor friend handled the criminal case and got your own son off with supervision for only $1, 500. Your business has been successful and you have built a pretty substantial nest egg, but you are tired of working for every nickel and want to try investing in real estate. You have your vision on a strip shopping center. It includes a grocery store, bank, equipment store, dry cleaners (on a month to month tenancy), a couple of fast food restaurants, a gift shop, dental office, bowling alley (with a lease about to expire), and wraps lurking behind a gas station/mini-mart on the corner. The purchase price will be $8, 000, 000, but the net operating income appears to be like pretty good. You figure if you turn the bowling street into a full service restaurant/banquet facility, and convert typically the dry cleaners into a 24-hour coin laundry, the net managing income will increase and the shopping center will turn into a spectacular investment decision. You plan to pull together much of your life savings plus put down $2, 000, 000 to buy this strip shopping center, borrowing the balance of $6, 000, 000. You bear in mind that your lawyer friend handled the purchase of your home several years ago, so you know he handles real estate. TRUE OR UNREALISTIC: Commercial real estate is the same as residential real estate [Hey, the all dirt, isn't it (? )], so you are now being a shrewd businessman by hiring your lawyer pal who will charge much less than a lawyer who handles shopping mall purchases several time a year. [What is the "due diligence" stuff anyway? ] ANSWERS: If you clarified "TRUE" for any of the foregoing Scenarios STOP! The Questions is over. Please find a quite place to reflect upon your wellbeing and consider whether the decisions you make consistently provide you with the results you desire. If, on the other hand, you understand that the answer to every single foregoing questions is FALSE, I am available to help you in Predicament No . 3. For Scenario No . 2, you should go along with your sister-in-law's suggestion and contact her eye operating specialist, or some other eye surgeon with equal skill. Just for Scenario No . 1, you are on your own. [But, any time you answered TRUE for Scenario No . 1, you may be ALWAYS AND FOREVER on you own. ] Investing in commercial real estate can be worthwhile and rewarding - but it requires good critical thinking about skills and competent counsel. You have a have a brain. It will be strongly recommended that you use it. R. Kymn Harp is actually a seasoned attorney based in Chicago, Illinois with 30 numerous years experience representing commercial real estate investors, lenders and administrators. He is a frequent speaker at continuing education tutorials, and is a widely published author on commercial as well as industrial real estate topics including due diligence, entitlements, commercial realty financing, and Brownfield development and financing.
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Burst Quiz Commercial Real Estate Investing
I read once that in case you took all the real estate lawyers in Illinois in addition to laid them end to end along the equator - it will be a good idea to leave them there. That's what I learn. What do you suppose that means? I have written before around the need to exercise due diligence when purchasing commercial real estate. The requirement to investigate, before Closing, every significant aspect of the property you happen to be acquiring. The importance of evaluating each commercial real estate contract with a mindset that once the Closing occurs, there is no coming back again. The Seller has your money and is gone. If post-Closing challenges arise, Seller's contract representations and warranties will, within best, mean expensive litigation. CAVEAT EMPTOR! "Let the individual beware! " Paying extra attention at the beginning of a advertisement real estate transaction to "get it right" can conserve tens of thousands of dollars when the deal goes bad. It's for instance the old FramÂŽ oil filter slogan during the 1970's: "You can pay me now - or pay me later". In commercial real estate, however , "later" may be too latter. Buying commercial real estate is NOT like buying a home. It is far from. It is not. It is NOT. In Illinois, and many other states, just about any residential real estate closing requires a lawyer for the buyer along with a lawyer for the seller. This is probably smart. It is decent consumer protection. The "problem" this causes, however , is without a doubt that every lawyer handling residential real estate transactions considers by his own or herself a "real estate lawyer", capable of handling any specific real estate transaction that may arise. We learned in legal requirement school that there are only two kinds of property: real estate along with personal property. Therefore - we intuit - should we are competent to handle a residential real estate closing, we've got to be competent to handle a commercial real estate closing. There're each "real estate", right? ANSWER: Yes, they are each one real estate. No, they are not the same. The legal issues and negative aspects in a commercial real estate transaction are remarkably different from a legal issues and risks in a residential real estate transaction. Nearly every one is not even remotely similar. Attorneys concentrating their practice managing residential real estate closings do not face the same issues because attorneys concentrating their practice in commercial real estate. This can be a matter of experience. You either know the issues and even risks inherent in commercial real estate transactions - not to mention know how to deal with them - or you don't. A key point to reconsider is that the myriad consumer protection laws that take care of residential home buyers have no application to - and offer no protection for - buyers of commercial realty. Competent commercial real estate practice requires focused and centered investigation of all issues material to the transaction by a professional who knows what they are looking for. In short, it requires all the exercise of "due diligence". I admit - the actual exercise of due diligence is not cheap, but the failure for you to exercise due diligence can create a financial disaster for the professional real estate investor. Don't be "penny wise and pound foolish". If you are buying a home, hire an attorney who regularly presents home buyers. If you are buying commercial real estate, hire your lawyer who regularly represents commercial real estate buyers. Years ago When i stopped handling residential real estate transactions. As an active business oriented real estate attorney, even I hire residential real estate endorse for my own home purchases. I do that because readily available real estate practice is fundamentally different from commercial real estate. Could be I do "harp" on the need for competent counsel experienced on commercial real estate transactions. I genuinely believe it. I feel it is essential. I believe if you are going to invest in commercial real estate, you ought to apply your critical thinking skills and be smart. BURST QUIZ: Here's is a simple test of YOUR critical believing skills: Please read the following Scenarios and answer any questions TRUE or FALSE: Scenario No . 1: It will be Valentine's Day. You are in hot pursuit of the love you will ever have. A few weeks ago, she confided in you that all the woman ever dreamed of for Valentine's Day was that her mate would show up at her door, dressed in a bright white tuxedo with tails and a top hat, and gift her with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. You've hired the tuxedo, but now you are concerned about how much money you may be spending. TRUE OR FALSE: Since flowers are largely all the same, it is OK for you to skip the roses and also show up with a bouquet of fresh yellow dandelions. Problem No . 2: For several years you eyesight deteriorated to the point to barely see your alarm clock. You are now considering corrective eye surgery so you won't need glasses. Your sister-in-law had corrective eye surgery and has had spectacular outcome. She recommends her eye surgeon, but mentions the retail price is about $5, 700 for both eyes and that the particular surgery is not covered by insurance. A few years ago, you had surgical procedure to correct your hemorrhoids and it cost you only eight hundred dollars. TRUE OR FALSE: Since surgeons all went to health related school and are all medical doctors, you are being frugal plus wise by asking the surgeon who performed the hemorrhoid surgery to perform your corrective eye surgery. Dilemma No . 3: Several years ago, when you first got married, you quizzed a former classmate who is a lawyer to represent a person in the purchase of your townhome. The cost was only $375. A year later, you started a family and decided you will needed a Will. The same attorney prepared Wills available for you and your wife for a total cost of $700. You will started your own business and your attorney friend formed the corporation for you and charged you only $600 plus the price tag of the corporate minute book. Years later, when your child was arrested for misdemeanor reckless driving, your solicitor friend handled the criminal case and got your own son off with supervision for only $1, 500. Your business has been successful and you have built a pretty substantial nest egg, but you are tired of working for every nickel and want to try investing in real estate. You have your vision on a strip shopping center. It includes a grocery store, bank, equipment store, dry cleaners (on a month to month tenancy), a couple of fast food restaurants, a gift shop, dental office, bowling alley (with a lease about to expire), and wraps lurking behind a gas station/mini-mart on the corner. The purchase price will be $8, 000, 000, but the net operating income appears to be like pretty good. You figure if you turn the bowling street into a full service restaurant/banquet facility, and convert typically the dry cleaners into a 24-hour coin laundry, the net managing income will increase and the shopping center will turn into a spectacular investment decision. You plan to pull together much of your life savings as well as put down $2, 000, 000 to buy this strip shopping center, borrowing the balance of $6, 000, 000. You bear in mind that your lawyer friend handled the purchase of your home several years ago, so you know he handles real estate. TRUE OR UNREALISTIC: Commercial real estate is the same as residential real estate [Hey, the all dirt, isn't it (? )], so you are now being a shrewd businessman by hiring your lawyer pal who will charge much less than a lawyer who handles shopping mall purchases several time a year. [What is the "due diligence" stuff anyway? ] ANSWERS: If you clarified "TRUE" for any of the foregoing Scenarios STOP! The Questions is over. Please find a quite place to reflect upon your wellbeing and consider whether the decisions you make consistently provide you with the results you desire. If, on the other hand, you understand that the answer to every single foregoing questions is FALSE, I am available to help you in Predicament No . 3. For Scenario No . 2, you should go along with your sister-in-law's suggestion and contact her eye operating specialist, or some other eye surgeon with equal skill. Just for Scenario No . 1, you are on your own. [But, any time you answered TRUE for Scenario No . 1, you may be ALWAYS AND FOREVER on you own. ] Investing in commercial real estate can be worthwhile and rewarding - but it requires good critical thinking about skills and competent counsel. You have a have a brain. It will be strongly recommended that you use it.
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https://www.marketwatch.com/press-release/keto-zero-reviews-scam-or-legit-site-for-truth-2020-04-13?tesla=y
Keto Zero While following keto, you're urged to eat as much fat as you need, regardless of the source (e.g., spread, olive oil, meats, cheeses), until you feel full. Fat can have a solid satiety impact, however following this proposal may not be agreeable for everybody. As indicated by ongoing exploration, greasy nourishments may expand sentiments of queasiness and swelling for certain individuals. Past potential physical distress, it likewise probably won't be sincerely agreeable for everybodyâall things considered, keto is as yet a prohibitive eating routine, which regularly is anything but a decent decision for anybody with a disarranged relationship to nourishment and eating.
Also, similarly as with any prohibitive dietary arrangement, following a ketogenic diet can introduce difficulties with regards to social events, festivities, office parties, dinners out, and so forth. Keto Zero It likewise may be important to confine or maintain a strategic distance from socially significant nourishments on the eating routine so as to remain in ketosis. For still others it will be hard to support on the grounds that carbs aren't just flavorful, they're ubiquitous. Staying away from them everyday methods critical feast prep and arranging, and getting ready for get-togethers that incorporate nourishment or eating.
Keto Zero Before we plunge further into weight reduction, a note: Weight misfortune isn't for everyone, nor is following a particular, prohibitive eating plan. In the event that you will probably get more fit, that is fine, however your wellbeing matters in excess of a number on a scale (and on the off chance that you have a past filled with disarranged eating, you ought to talk about any designs to change your eating routine with a specialist first). What's more, fruitful long haul weight reduction is the result of numerous elements: Your physical movement, how much rest you get, stress the executives, and different components like clinical issues and hormones all assume a significant job. What you eat is only one piece of the weight reduction puzzle.
On the off chance that you have been searching for a weight reduction plan, nonetheless, you've presumably known about one of the ketogenic diet's greatest specialties: the fast outcomes it as Keto Zero far as anyone knows produces. A few people report losing as much as 10 pounds in the initial fourteen days. Be that as it may, this weight reduction is probably going to be for the most part water weight, not fat dissolving ceaselessly, which means you remain to recover it once you recharge liquids. The ketogenic diet can go about as a diuretic, causing water misfortune from glycogen stockpiling in the liver, muscles, and fat cells. Remember that for a great many people, about ½ pound to 2 pounds for each week is viewed as protected.
Keto Zero By and large, 2 additional pounds contrasted with the individuals who followed lowfat ones. In any case, a few specialists state that weight reduction from a keto diet presumably isn't from a points of interest about the eating routine itself. On the off chance that the ketogenic diet helps weight reduction, says Brian St. Pierre, R.D., chief of execution nourishment at Precision Nutrition, this is on the grounds that it may empower a few people to keep up a caloric shortage.
"I let people realize that the ketogenic diet approach can completely work, however it's not through some enchantment of carb limitation. Keto works for certain people since they appreciate fat-rich nourishments, discover them fulfilling, and feel their best eating along these lines. Keto Zero This permits them to control their general admission and fuel their action," says St. Pierre. Keep in mind: Just in light of the fact that something accommodates your macros doesn't mean it's too refreshing and giving a parity of supplements. High utilization of specific nourishments (like franks, bacon, and other handled meats) and under utilization of more beneficial food sources (nuts, seeds, vegetables, organic product, entire grains) are connected with certain wellbeing conditions and passing from coronary illness, stroke, and type 2 diabetes, and that is imperative to remember regardless of whether we don't really have a causal connection or suggested limit.
Keto Zero The American Heart Association's suggestions for controlling cholesterol incorporate getting more fiber and constraining your admission of soaked fat, the two of which would be incredibly troublesome on a ketogenic diet. While the facts demonstrate that examination around soaked fat is as yet developing, preparing for good wellsprings of fiber and unsaturated fats, which diminish the danger of cardiovascular malady, and taking into consideration a progressively adjusted admission of supplements, is perfect. Regardless, you should check with your PCP before you start a ketogenic (or any new) diet, particularly on the off chance that you have any wellbeing conditions like hypertension or elevated cholesterol.
What's more, in spite of the fact that for the time being, ketogenic consumes less calories appear to be ok for sound individuals, we likewise need long haul information on the eating routine, Keto Zero so it's difficult to affirm long haul security with sureness. Intricacies seen with kids keeping up a ketogenic diet for epilepsy, for instance, included kidney stones, obstruction, gastrointestinal issues, pancreatitis, and nutrient D and calcium lacks.
Keto Zero the off chance that starchesâeither handled bundled desserts or nutritious entire nourishmentsâare your jam, the ketogenic diet will, best case scenario, take some becoming acclimated to. What's more, even under the least favorable conditions, it could be an absolute nonstarter. The eating routine will essentially direct you away from nourishments that have included sugar, are calorically thick, and don't offer much in the method for sustenance, similar to treats, cakes, white bread, sugary grains, fries, chips, cracke
Eating all the fat you need seems like a heavenly method to get in shapeâyet is it worth giving up carbs?Odds are you, you've heard some quite enormous cases about the ketogenic diet."Keto consumes fat quick! It turbo-charges your vitality! It battles malady! You can eat all the bacon you need!" Big names like to rave about the low-sugar diet. Keto Zero On Instagram, Vinny Guadagnino, who passes by Keto Guido, shares keto plans and tips that helped him shed 50 pounds. Be that as it may, is this promotion unrealistic? With no guarantees so regularly the case with eats less carbs, underneath all the underlying fervor, there's a gut check. Here's all that you should know whether you're a fledgling to the keto diet and need to decide whether it merits yielding carbs.
Keto Zero Ketogenesis has existed as long as people have. On the off chance that you eat an extremely low measure of sugars, you keep your cerebrum from glucose, its primary fuel source. Your body despite everything needs fuel to work, so it takes advantage of your hold of ketones, which are exacerbates the liver makes from fat when blood insulin is low. This procedure is known as ketosis: It resembles when a half breed vehicle comes up short on gas and returns to unadulterated power. Keto Zero "Your liver produces ketones constantly, however the rate relies upon starch and protein consumption," says Jeff Volek, Ph.D., R.D., a teacher of human sciences at Ohio State University. At the point when most of your eating regimen is comprised of carbs and protein, ketogenesis eases back. Supplanting carbs and protein with fat will place your body into ketosis, in this manner increase ketone creation. Basically, you're consuming fat rather than carbs for vitality. This procedure takes around three days to initiate.
Keto Zero Wouldn't you be able to take ketone supplements? No. While it is conceivable to hoist ketones by taking them, "without the low-carb improvement, there is no net increment in ketone creation, no lessening in insulin, and no net increment in fat oxidation," says Volek. Try not to confide in coaches or "body programmers" who state you can prompt ketosis rapidly without changing your eating regimen. Keto Zero A ketogenic diet necessitates that fat contain 60 to 80 percent of your all out calories. Protein makes up around 20 percent, while 10 percent originates from carbs. As a rule, it's ideal to keep carb admission between 20-30 grams for every day so as to look after ketosis. That is what could be compared to about a large portion of a medium bagel.
Keto Zero In the event that this seems like Atkins, it's nearby, however "ketogenic eats less carbs will in general be increasingly extreme in carb limitation and have a progressively moderate protein limitation," says Spencer Nadolsky, D.O., creator of The Fat Loss Prescription. In spite of the fact that you can eat bacon on a ketogenic diet, the remainder of the range is constrained. Dull vegetables like potatoes, corn, and squash are excessively high in carbs. Same with most natural products. Milk, beans, rice, pasta, bread: probably not.
In any case, bacon is still vigorously prepared and has been connected to an expanded danger of malignancy and coronary illness, so you might not have any desire to eat it at each feast. Keto Zero To remain as sound as could be expected under the circumstances, keto calorie counters ought to eat a lot of low-carb vegetables like red chime pepper, kale and cauliflower. Most men expend almost 50% of their calories from carbs, as indicated by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, which means slicing your admission to under 10 percent will be a test.
Keto Zero Despite the fact that reviews have demonstrated that the keto diet can decrease seizures for kids with epilepsy, there is no proof showing that keto assists with other cerebrum issue or improves mental cognizance, as per Harvard Health Publishing. A few investigations show that keto may bring down glucose for individuals with type 2 diabetes, however there isn't sufficient long haul research to decide if it's protected and compelling for diabetics. With regards to weight reduction, "there is no doubt that ketosis accomplishes work for the time being," Dr. Konstantinos Spaniolas, Associate Director of the Stony Brook Metabolic and Bariatric Weight Loss Center in New York, .
Sadly, there's no drawn out information on ketogenic slims down versus different weight control plans Keto Zero In a 2015 Italian examination, those on a ketosis diet shed 26 pounds in a quarter of a year. About portion of the members remained on the eating routine for a year however lost minimal extra weight in the following nine months. Individuals in a 2014 Spanish investigation who followed an extremely low-calorie ketogenic diet lost a normal of 44 pounds in a yearâhowever 33% of them dropped out, potentially in light of the fact that it was too difficult to even think about maintaining.
Keto Zero in any case, there is proof that low-carb diets may build digestion, as indicated by a paper distributed November 14 in BMJ. Analysts found that overweight grown-ups who brought down starches and included progressively fat into their weight control plans consumed around 250 calories more every day than individuals on high-carb, low-fat eating regimens. The investigation is amazing in light of the fact that it's the biggest, generally costly, and controlled investigation of its sort.
For this investigation, 164 overweight grown-ups followed slims down made up of either 60, 40 or 20 percent starches. Keto Zero What makes this examination remarkable is that all members were provided with breakfast, lunch, supper and bites, which means nourishment quality was predictable among individuals in each gathering.
Keto Zero Study co-creator Cara Ebbeling, PhD., of the Boston Children's Hospital accepts the examination demonstrates that getting more fit isn't simply an issue of checking calories. Our perceptions challenge the conviction that all calories are the equivalent to the body," said Ebbeling in an announcement. "Our examination didn't gauge craving and satiety, yet different investigations propose that low-carb consumes less calories likewise decline hunger, which could help with weight reduction in the long haul."
Individuals who start the eating regimen regularly create "Keto Flu," as their bodies get familiar with eating less carbs. Keto Zero During this time you may encounter cerebral pains, sickness, fogginess, muscle spasms and exhaustion. Indications last about seven days, however remaining hydrated and getting sufficient rest will help with issues and fatigue.
Keto Zero Flu, you may see a couple of other disagreeable reactions. CH3)2CO â indeed, the fixing in nail clean remover â is one of the mixes found in ketones, so your breath might be stinkier than ordinary. Crapping might be troublesome since cutting carbs will bring down fiber consumption, however a fiber supplement will help keep you normal. Without a doubt, eating bacon and cheddar may seem like a fantasy yet accomplishing ketosis isn't simple, says Registered Dietitian Melanie Boehmer of Lenox Hill Hospital. Once in a while people attempt and waver into it and they won't bring down their sugars enough," Keto Zero she recently told Men'sHealth.com. She suggests eating close to 20-30 grams of sugars for each day to keep up the ketogenic state.
Keto Zero Regularly individuals figure they can eat boundless measures of meat on the eating regimen, yet that isn't accurate. Devouring an excess of protein will likewise diminish ketone levels. heat days, regardless of whether they are uncommon, and drinking liquor can remove you from ketosis, as well. You can decide if you're very ketosis by buying an over-the-counter test. Be that as it may, they're not constantly exact, cautions Ginger Hultin, MS, RDN, CSO, representative for the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics.
They sell testing strips for pee, however those can get bogus peruses for various reasons, similar to hydration levels," Keto Zero she recently disclosed to Men's Health.What's more, those intense reactions, similar to terrible breath, are a decent pointer that you're in fat-consuming mode. In any case, they'll just be useful in the first place since signs vanish once your body is acclimated with the new eating regimen.While the buzz is by all accounts warming up around the ketogenic diet, the eating reasoning isn't new. Actually, it's been utilized as a treatment for epilepsy since the 1920s and returned into the spotlight during the '90s when Dateline ran a portion featuring it as a treatment choice. Keto Zero However, how could it go from epilepsy treatment to weight reduction routine? All things considered, first off, increasingly more celebs â including Vanessa Hudgens and Halle Berry â have as of late applauded its weight reduction results openly.
Keto Zero So what is the ketogenic diet? It's a high-fat, low-carb diet that sends your body into a condition of ketosis, during which it utilizes put away fat as vitality. At the point when you eat along these lines â commonly we're talking under 50 grams of sugars a day â "you'll devour a huge measure of fat," says Shahzadi Devje, RD, CDE, a dietitian in Toronto, Canada. Truth be told, by following the keto diet, around 60 to 80 percent of your day by day calories will originate from fat. At the point when you confine carbs along these lines and eat increasingly fat, your body takes around 24 to 48 hours to start delivering ketones, which are made when your body uses fat for vitality, says Pegah Jalali, MS, RD, Keto Zero a clinical facilitator at the New York University Comprehensive Epilepsy Center, where she advises patients on the ketogenic diet. Ordinarily, your body would utilize sugars as an essential wellspring of vitality.
Keto Zero A fundamental advantage of the eating routine, and why a large number of its devotees acclaim the eating plan, is weight reduction. Numerous examinations show promising outcomes: In an investigation in The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, corpulent men dropped around 14 pounds in the wake of following the eating routine for a month. Also, in a more drawn out term study distributed in Clinical Cardiology, hefty grown-ups holding fast to a ketogenic diet for around a half year saw critical weight reduction â by and large, 32 pounds â just as decreases in complete cholesterol and increments in valuable HDL cholesterol. An audit concentrate in the European Journal of Clinical Nutrition additionally found that the weight reduction seen inside the initial three to a half year of following the keto diet was more noteworthy than the misfortune from following a standard adjusted eating style.
Weight reduction frequently happens on the Keto Zero diet in light of the fact that your body is using fat stores for vitality â and you may likewise see a diminished hunger that regularly results from the eating routine. "We don't know precisely why ketones stifle hunger," says Jalali. "In any case, my hypothesis is that ketosis is the state we are in during starvation and drawn out fasting, so it may be a transformative reaction to enable people to adapt." Plus, your body digests fat significantly more gradually than carbs. Keto Zero "Fat has a more drawn out intestinal travel time contrasted and carbs," she says. "So it will drag out that sentiment of completion, particularly in the middle of dinners." While some state following the eating routine case it is constraining at nourishment related social events, Lara Clevenger, MSH, RDN, a dietitian in Edgewater, Florida, says you can without much of a stretch arrangement ahead. "I right now follow a ketogenic diet, and eating out is significantly simpler than individuals might suspect," she says.
" Keto Zero You can request a burger short the bun and fries, in addition to a side of veggies. Or on the other hand request a culinary expert serving of mixed greens and request olive oil as your dressing, short the bread garnishes. The choices are ample!" Clevenger says she initially began the keto diet for its mitigating benefits, because of a family ancestry of stoutness, hypertension, bosom malignant growth, diabetes and dementia. "I will remain on a ketogenic diet for a long time to come," she says. "I presently have a few times more vitality, I no longer experience difficulty nodding off and staying unconscious, I am better in line with my yearning and satiety, Keto Zero and I am not, at this point dependent on sugar. The eating routine has had a greater amount of an effect than I could have envisioned!" Notwithstanding weight reduction, considers show that the ketogenic diet may likewise be useful in treating numerous different conditions, for example, type 2 diabetes, polycystic ovary disorder (PCOS), skin inflammation and that's only the tip of the iceberg.
Keto Zero "Similarly as with any eating regimen, there are consistently upsides and downsides," says Devje. On the off chance that you follow the ketogenic diet, you may see symptoms, for example, awful breath, cerebral pains, sickness and exhaustion. The negative manifestations some experience when first beginning the eating regimen is regularly alluded to as the "keto influenza." This sentiment of tiredness is because of a drop in glucose that can cause laziness, which ordinarily goes in 24 to 48 hours, notes Jalali. You may likewise feel enlarged or obstructed â and you may want to pee all the more oftentimes, since ketosis goes about as a diuretic, says Jalali. Since the ketogenic diet is constrained as far as nutrition classes, you'll be in danger for supplement lacks." Keto Zero The eating routine requires a powerful enhancement routine, since you can build up specific inadequacies on a ketogenic diet that can hinder your capacity to remain in ketosis," says Jalali. "You can likewise create micronutrient insufficiencies that can cause balding, and many individuals become obstructed on a ketogenic diet." Jalali suggests talking about the eating routine with both a doctor and a ketogenic dietitian to work to forestall these reactions.
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Would You Like to Know Exactly What to Eat to Lose Fat and Get Healthy Without Giving Up Your Favorite Foods or Starving Yourself?
 DOWNLOAD HERE FOR DIET PROGRAM
If you're serious about achieving permanent fat loss and a complete health transformation while eating your favorite foods every mealâŚ
I invite you to read this page.
Dear friend,
Is it true? Has modern science finally discovered a diet that can strip off body fat like clockwork, while still allowing you to eat tasty meals like ribeye steak with roasted garlic and butter?
Hi, my name is Rachel Roberts. I'm not a professional ad writer, but what I have to share with you is so extraordinary and powerful that I decided to write this myself. So bear with me a little.
Hereâs The Deal:
In my opinion, the nutrition industry is hopelessly broken. Instead of helping people improve their health and overall physical appearance, the world is filled with myths, scams, and flat-out lies.
I mean, itâs obvious the current dietary guidelines donât work. Just look at the stats. 71.6% of American adults aged 20 and above are overweight, of which more than half are obese!
Now, if youâre one of the millions of people who follow all the nutrition rules outlined by health and fitness âgurusâ but still carry excess fat, it is not your fault!
The Truth Is:
No matter how genetically âdoomedâ you may think you are, and no matter how frustrated you may feel after trying and discarding many diets, you absolutely can have the lean and alluring body of your dreams. You see, getting into fantastic shape isn't nearly as cruel as nutrition and fitness âgurusâ want you to believe. In fact, if you avoid the four most common and catastrophic diet mistakes, shaping your dream figure is actually a simple process.
Do You Make These Four Common Diet Mistakes That Sabotage Your Health and Stall Fat
Mistake #1
Not being in a calorie deficit
According to some âexperts,â losing weight and keeping it off is all about controlling the types of food you eat.
They say particular foods are "fattening" because they pause fat burning and cause a hormonal environment that leads to weight gain... while other foods "balance" the system and stimulate fat loss.
While thatâs partially true, it doesn't give you the full picture. The reason is that if you want to lower the number on your scale, the most important thing you must do is enter a caloric deficit.
Itâs simple. If you consume more calories than you burn, youâll gain weight. And if you consume fewer calories than you burn, youâll lose weight. Thatâs a scientific fact.
Looking for proof? Well, dozens of studies show the vitality of calorie balance. One of these is a case study by Mark Haub, a professor of human nutrition at Kansas State University.
He carried excess pounds and, knowing the importance of calorie balance, decided to do an experiment. For two months, he only ate foods like Twinkies, Oreos, Dorito, and protein shakes while maintaining a daily energy deficit of 800 calories.
The result? In just two months, he lost 27 pounds and reduced his body fat from 33.4% to 24.9%.
Now, I don't recommend you follow such a diet, but it illustrates my point. If you want to lose fat, you must be in a calorie deficit.
Mistake #2
Severe calorie restriction that gives you the metabolism of a 90-year-old lady
If an energy deficit of 250 calories a day will get you lean, a 1,000-calorie deficit will give you the results four times as fast, right?
Wrong! Many people make this mistake, and I used to do it too before I knew any better.
The truth is, severe calorie deficits screw up your physiology. That's why almost all low-calorie dieters regain the lost pounds when they stop the program... plus, most often gain some more on top of that.
You see, your body doesn't know you're trying to get ripped for the beach. Instead, because you're starving yourself, it thinks you're stranded with no food.
As a result, your bodyâs metabolism will plummet to prevent you from losing weight. This means that as soon as you come off your diet, your body will store as much food as possible as fat to prepare itself for the next starvation.
Thatâs why itâs essential to eat according to a calorie target fine-tuned for your body, your situation, and your goals.
Mistake #3
Thinking all calories are created equal
Thus far, we've looked at calories. And while calories are a crucial piece of the fat loss puzzle, they're in no way the only thing that matters. You see, when most people say they want to lose weight, they actually strive to improve their health and look better.
The thing is, if you want to accomplish such feats, you shouldnât strive for weight loss. Instead, set your sights on fat loss. That's because losing weight doesn't necessarily improve health and appearance, but losing fat does.
Now, when it comes to fat loss, calories remain a crucial element. But what is just as crucial is your macro intake. In other words, your consumption of protein, carbs, and fat is vital. How you set up your macros has a profound effect on how your body will respond to the meals you eat.
For example, if you consume too many carbs, itâll be near impossible to lose fat even if you maintain a calorie deficit. Thatâs because carbs spike insulin, a hormone that blunts fat loss in two main ways.
One of these is that elevated insulin levels block the release of fat from your fat cells. And if your cells can't release fat, your body can never burn off the excess.
Second, elevated insulin levels cause the storage of energy found in your bloodstream to morph into body fat cells.[23-25] This means the energy wonât get burned off by tissues like muscle but instead snakes its way around to places like your hips and abs.
Thatâs why researchers call insulin the "fat storage hormone," and thatâs why carb-rich diets make it nearly impossible to lose fat.
Insulin is but one example. Optimizing your macros is crucial for many more reasons, so in a minute Iâll show you how to set up your macros to triple fat loss.
The best part? The method Iâll show you in a minute from now is effortless to follow and never leaves you hungry. In fact, this eating style is so satiating and easy to follow that you would probably forget you were on a diet if you werenât losing fat so fast.
Mistake #4
Following an unrealistic, overly restrictive diet
Willpower works like a battery â you only have so much of it until it runs out. Thatâs why very restrictive diets deplete your willpower, increase your cravings, and lead to binging â the exact opposite of what you want when trying to build your dream body.
I've seen it countless times before... a guy or gal who is dedicated to losing weight and getting healthy. To kick things off, they start a diet that only allows food like tilapia, asparagus, and chicken. After all, thatâs what the fitness magazines recommend.
While the results are great in the beginning and the dieter loyally brings Tupperware boxes packed with "healthy" meals wherever they go, their willpower eventually runs out and that diet gets tossed out the window.
Just keep in mind that dieting itself is already hard. Don't make it even harder for yourself by enforcing all kinds of unnecessary restrictions. Otherwise, youâll likely take on a âscrew itâ mentally after a few weeks or even days, wake up in a sea of Twinkie wrappers and be back to square one.
Try Your Custom Meal Plan Risk-Free and Judge for Yourself. If Youâre Not Satisfied, Youâll Get All Your Money Back
Itâs simple: if, for any reason you're not satisfied, shoot me a message and ask for a refund. Just tell me you're not happy and you'll get your money back.
And by satisfied, I mean you're 100% happy with your custom meal plan. You have no regrets, and you're certain, without a shadow of a doubt, that you've made the right decision.
So go ahead and "test drive" your custom meal plan without any financial risk. Order your custom meal plan, try it for 60 days, and see the results. In the unlikely scenario you're unhappy with the service, email us your receipt and we'll return your payment without question.
 This Service Is NOT for You if:
Weâve been around long enough that weâve noticed there are three types of people we can't help:
1. You donât take action, but instead want to spend all your spare time trying to figure out the optimal diet.
2. You think you already know what you need to do to build your dream body and youâre unwilling to follow an expertâs instructions.
3. You're not interested in using science-based dieting strategies but would rather mimic what the average Joe is doing.
That being said, if you're looking for a science-based, "Done For You" plan where youâll lose fat and improve your health while eating delicious foods every meal...
Hereâs What I Want You to Do Next
Are you serious about achieving permanent fat loss and sparking a health transformation? Great! Then hereâs how the process works:
Step #1 Do This Now
Start by clicking here! Youâll see a few questions to answer about your current situation, food preferences, and goals. Nothing crazy. We just need some basic info to understand your circumstances better. Answer these questions as accurately (and honestly) as possible, and make sure your email address is correct so you can receive your meal plan.
 Step #2 Hereâs What Will Happen Next
Once youâve completed the survey, weâll create your custom meal plan for you. Just enter your payment details to get instant access to your custom-made keto meal plan.
Step #3 Are You Ready?
If so, today is the day you rise to the challenge and transform your body and health because ultimately, this service is for people who recognize a great opportunity when they see one and act fast.
    The Way I See It, You have Three Options From Here
Option #1
Ignore everything you've just read and change nothing. If you decide to take this path, remember the old saying, "if you do what you always did, you'll get what you always got."
Option #2
Try to lose fat and improve your health through "trial and error." Fly solo with the attitude "throw it on the wall and see what sticks." You may reach your goal at some point with this approach, but not without countless frustrations and setbacks that leave you on the verge of giving up.
 Or, the smartest optionâŚ
Option #3
Skip all the frustration and take charge of your figure by investing in your custom meal plan. Eat based on a scientifically-proven method that's crafted to help any person, at any age, and in any situation enjoy long- lasting fat loss results.
To get your custom keto meal plan, click the button below. Go through the questionnaire. Enter your payment details. Just like that. You'll get instant access to your custom meal plan. Youâll be able to start your new diet within minutes of ordering!
I've never been more excited and proud about one of my programs than as I am now. And I can't wait for you to enjoy the life-changing results you'll get by investing in yourself today.
DOWNLOAD HERE FOR DIET PROGRAM
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