#i have so many appointments this week that are scary

[melancholicdesire]

.

[boomerang109]

no because i get so stuck on how endless everything feels, how life is so long and these horrible habits i have now are part of my life story forever but

life is so long. every little good choice i make will add up. i don’t have to fix everything today, it can take time

[allthatdivides2]

i have so much shit to do but all i WANT to do (or feel like i can do properly) is sit here and listen to music

[tkbrokkoli]

wanted to write smth abt top surgery ⬇️

[naamahdarling]

I do want to say, because I know I am extremely and probably sometimes unfairly unforgiving of everything to do with the medical profession, that I had a really good experience last week with a team that was very empathetic and trauma-informed. The area of medicine is deeply triggering and I truly didn't know if I would even be able to talk or not. They were very understanding and respectful and I didn't feel like an inconvenience or a difficult patient, or like someone who was making a big deal out of nothing.

I know and they pointed out that I'm not the only person with this issue. This is actually common. It is utterly baffling to me that so many providers aren't able to cope with PTSD in their patients, especially patients whose trauma is medical in nature. These people treated me like a normal person who had experienced some very not-normal things.

Anyway, I had an unexpectedly hard time afterwards -- I figured the hardest part would be the appointment, and it super was not -- and have had a hard time off and on since. It has not been fun. It's been frustrating and confusing and upsetting and scary. But for once, none of that was the fault of the people I saw. I went in unsure I'd even be able to talk about it and nearly completely certain I wouldn't be able to move forward with the things I need to do. I figured I would probably have to white-knuckle it through a panic attack. I came out having held a productive conversation that left me scared, yes, but also hopeful and optimistic that I can move forward. And I didn't have a panic attack. It was a radical and unexpected change.

I worked hard for this. Any trauma is an awful thing to live with. The work of remaking yourself around the holes it punches in you is hard and confusing. The healing is often slow. In my case it comes with very few immediate rewards (it will actually make my life more difficult for a while because I'll have to deal with more medical interference, hooray). But it was time for me to do this and I have come far enough and worked hard enough to have the resilience to try, and I did it.

All we did was talk, but that would not have been possible a year ago. It was all I could do to ask for a referral because even naming the specialty was upsetting. I couldn't make the phone call to set up an appointment and when they called to try to do it, I hung up. Six or eight months ago I managed to dial the number and then hung up the instant someone answered. Last week I walked into the building and said out loud multiple words that make me feel like I have worms under my skin and which I can barely look at, let alone type. I didn't lose speech. This was a big win for me, and I'm thankful it went well, and I actually am proud of myself. I didn't even use any of my antianxiety meds that day, because I didn't think I would need them.

I don't feel grateful to the staff, I feel like someone finally did the bare fucking minimum, but I am very grateful, because I am not only what I feel. I am also what I know and what I do, and I am finally sort of getting those three things to match up in a way that they patch the holes in one another a little, and maybe someday I can stop slipping through the cracks.

I'm scared they will fuck up when I go to get some issues addressed, and they will betray me or harm me. I really am. Because hey, that's what my experiences have prepared me for, so that's a very natural way for me to feel. Rational, even.

I'm scared that I will look back at this appointment and feel stupid for having experienced any hope at all.

But even if it goes to shit, I still went in there and tried. I still did my best. And my best was okay. I was able to separate my fear from what needed to be done just a little bit. That means something. Because I didn't think I could do it at all.

[howtobeapersonwithfibro]

Pain flare-ups are so emotionally triggering for me, I just feel so trapped and sad, remembering worse times. It makes it especially hard to sleep. It's amazing how many combined sleep aiding drugs an anxious brain can resist.

It's especially scary when I have a new obligation coming up that's really important. I need enough hours on this internship to meet school requirements. I can't afford to be too sick to do it, like I have been for other things in the past.

I have a crazy busy week coming up with at least one appointment/work thing every day, sometimes two or more. Send help.

[mar3ggiata]

professional help, c15. The Viper.

simon riley x original character.

trigger warnings: violence, sexual assault, mentions of rape, trauma, sexual themes, swearing, use of alcohol and drugs.

song to listen to when reading this: Don Raffaè, Fabrizio de Andrè

abstract: it's Simon. here I am talking to Jude again, this time it gets too far, the police are involved… no just kidding (I wish someone would just take her away, believe me). also is anyone gonna tell her to stop using this bloody dialect of hers? it sound stupid anyways and I can't understand a word she says. bye.

T'agg ditt Salvo, è venuto a trovarmi a danza, io dovevo mangiare e gli ho chiesto se voleva cenare. Poi avrei portato fuori il cane e mi ha detto che era pericoloso da sola e mi ha accompagnato'. She was in her bathroom in her underwear, painting her toenails while on the phone with Salvo. She usually did this to make her feet seem more normal, she hated the blisters and calluses from wearing pointe shoes. If she didn't hurry up she would be late for work. She told him the Lieutenant had visited her after ballet class and since she needed to eat, she invited him out. Then, he suggested they'd walk the dog together since it was getting late. 'Fra, te non hai capito questo chi è', Salvo insisted. He was very surprised to hear that Lieutenant Riley, the one he briefly met years ago was going out and having dinner with his friend. Going out in general, really. 'Non ha famiglia, glieli hanno uccisi tutti, è una macchina da guerra, io e i colleghi avevam paura.' He told her back before he even met her, he heard stories about him. That a mission had gone sideways for him and his whole family had been killed (she felt terribly bad for asking about it). He told her that he was a killing machine, that him and his teammates feared him. She put away her nail polish. 'Salvo agg capit…Jinx lascia!' She said while trying to get a hold of her dog who stole her slippers. She sensed she was about to leave and decided to make it impossible for her to get ready in peace. She told her friend Simon had been actually nice the night before, she had to give him that. He kept going on saying few ever saw him without his mask on, that it was some kind of unspoken rule and he would get annoyed if someone tried to take it off, that he had survived hell and so on. She didn't tell him he ate a burger in front of her.

She asked if he was married, he said he had never saw him even speak with a woman that wasn't a coworker, that he probably lived a quite secluded life. She said she believed him. It's not a big deal, she said, but he got my fake name. Salvo paused. He won't know about… the other stuff, Alba. You're fine, he can't possibly know. She finished getting ready, and got to the base. She had an easy day ahead, she would start many of her appointments on zoom, some of her patients were deployed all over the world. Christmas is in a few weeks as well, she thought. It made her sad. She remembered Christmas dinners and parties very well in Italy, they had lots of traditions, they used to play board games and drink and eat together… She still did that by herself, unfortunately Jinx didn't know how to play cards. Salvo was still in Korea and she didn't think he would be back in time to see her. He would visit Italy and celebrate there, she thought. She sent him a message on the way to the car, to tell her about his plans for New Years.

She got to the base and when she turned the corner to get to the office she stopped. Simon. In front of her door. Except, she didn't smile this time. One time, I appreciate, two times, you're kind and caring, what's up now? To confirm her thought that something wasn't right, as soon as he saw her, Simon started walking towards her. What did I do now, do I need to run? He was wearing a black tight shirt and cameo trousers, his boots heavy on the ground. He looked scary, she even took a step back when she saw him coming towards her. He was as scary as an avalanche. It was so weird, now he saw him as he really was. A soldier, a man of war. He killed for a living, he wasn't her new little friend. Are you gonna kill me as well?

'Let's go' he said when he approached her. 'What? I have patients', she replied, he went past her at this point and turned the corner. I'm not following you Simon. What is he on about? He stopped when he noticed she wasn't behind him. 'Alba, let's go, you're not working today.' He insisted, and she just got more annoyed. 'No.' She kept a straight face and crossed her arms. 'And don't fucking call me that.' She hissed. She was confused, to say the least. He scoffed and took a step towards her. Why do you have to make things difficult now, I'm just trying to do my job. And yes, I am calling you by your pretty name since I can't get it out of my head. She took a step back, away from him. Was she afraid of him? He felt a burning pressure in his chest. He took a deep breath and relaxed his shoulders to seem less intimidating. Does she think he would hurt her like that other soldier did a year ago? If she only knew how much he thought about her, last night. She couldn't imagine how much time he lied awake, one arm between his head and the pillow, thinking so hard about her he felt his brain melting. Her lashes. Her voice. Her nails, the rosy colour of her cheeks.

'Laswell ordered me to come get you. She wants to see you.' He spoke with his voice soft, gently scrunching down to make up for those 30 centimetres that divided their eyes. Just come with me. He saw her relax, her expression softening. Still, she was frowning in confusion. 'My patients…', she looked like a confused little kid, she looked like when you do your maths homework with your dad at the kitchen table and you're tired and heartbroken and you're not getting any of the maths. He figured bossing her around wasn't really the way to win her heart. 'Already taken care of.' She had a white turtleneck on. With that, her blonde, silky hair, her translucent eyes piercing through his soul, she looked like an angel. She looked like a cloud, like an elf, the Lord of the Rings ones. 'You could have fucking told me earlier.' There she was.

He sighed and took off with her trough the corridor. 'What's going on?' she asked, and he didn't reply. 'If you don't answer I'm gonna fucking scream', she was nearly running, to keep up with him and he quite liked seeing her mad. 'She's gonna tell you.' He quickly glanced down at her. Her makeup looked different but he could not really pinpoint why. It made her whole face look brighter. They walked to Laswell's office, took the lift in silence. She smelled nice. Tangerines, flowers. It was a fresh smell. He opened the door of the office for her. Inside, Captain Price, Laswell, Calvin Klein Handsome Boy and Scotland were in the room staring at her. Her and the Lieutenant behind her. They looked like they were about to yell 'Surprise!' and balloons would appear and they would eat cake. Or they were just waiting for her and Simon to arrive cause they were invited for dinner. Or maybe they were going to play hide and seek until one of them found her and had the pleasure to kill her while the others watched. She felt Simon's presence behind her, she was too concentrated scanning the room but she could swear he gently pushed her back to make her get inside the room. 'Jude, thanks for coming, I'm sorry for making you skip your appointments.' Kate smiled and indicated she sat down at her desk. She was not gonna sit down. She took a step foreword and waited her to speak, her arms stiff at her sides, back straight. What's going on. Why the meeting, why this many people.

'Jude, Ghost told me about your theory. The crater.' Her eyes shot up at the captain, how spoke from beside the window. She looked at him 'Did he?' She whispered, then she looked at Simon, or better in the situation, Ghost, who was standing at her right. He was standing legs spread and arms crossed. Traitor. I told you not to say anything. She was ready to apologise for interfering. She shouldn't have trusted him. She had to change her job for sure, she had to leave again. She messed up too bad this time, she managed to mess up the only good thing about her life… Now this really wasn't a comfortable situation for Simon either. He had some explaining to do. He went to see the captain the night before and told him everything. 'I don't know if she's right to be honest. The crater is there and it's a good natural hiding spot for sure. I don't know if it's good enough intel', he had said. Price had thought for a few seconds. 'Listen Simon, I trust your judgement. I don't want to know where and when you talked to her, but we have a job to do…' he tried to interrupt, but he kept going. 'No, no don't worry, I don't want to know about your personal life, to be honest it would be nice to see you settle down and she really is a nice girl…'

'Sir, I-'

'The thing is, if she's wrong and this was all a little game we could waste time, lose our target and put our men at risk.' He managed to investigate further and found out Jude was right, again. Jude 2 - Ghost 0. He briefed his teammates that morning, who asked how he got that information and in which setting he spoke to Jude, which he replied was classified. They looked at him and they knew he was hiding something. He didn't even want to know what they thought. 'Yes, you see, we have a camp, headquarters near Al-Jareena, a few soldiers are still there. Yesterday night, after I was informed about what you found I sent them in the desert, they stopped…' he got close to the table and indicated the map that was placed in the middle '…about here.' She moved closer to the table. 'I sent two drones ahead. They found the crater, about two miles from where the cars had stopped.' He was typing on the keyboard of a laptop. He showed her the screen, she could see the video tape that the drones had recorded. It was in night vision, she couldn't see well, but the image was mostly clear. He spoke again while the video played. 'You see, there are snipers here… and all the way here…and when they got close to the centre…' he stopped, but she understood.

She could see buildings, tents. A camp. She could see people moving around, she could see a campfire. Guns. Then she spotted it. On the side of a tent. She looked up at the captain, her eyes bright with excitement. She could fucking cry in that moment. The viper print on the tent, eyes bright red. Khorram's troops were inside the crater.

notes: translation: 'Ti ho detto, è venuto a trovarmi a danza, io dovevo mangiare e gli ho chiesto se voleva cenare. Poi avrei portato fuori il cane e mi ha detto che era pericoloso da sola e mi ha accompagnato'. means 'I told you, he came to see me at ballet, i needed to eat and i asked him if he wanted to have dinner. Then I would have walked the dog and he said it was dangerous to go alone and he came with me.' 'Fra, te non hai capito questo chi è' means 'Bro, you don't understand who this is'. Fra is the abbreviated version of 'fratello' which means brother. When two are really close is common to call each other fra, boy of girl we don't care, even because it's a funny word, it's fake gangsta slang. I call my girlfriends fra all the time. 'Salvo agg capit…Jinx lascia!' means 'Salvo, I got it…Jinx let it go'.

notes: one of alba's perfumes is disumano by morph. (disumano means non human).

notes: can you tell I'm back at uni, I'm posting again lol

taglist:

@ummmmmwat @ghostlythots @sweetfemmefatal @natxpat @chavarriakeren647 @ravenmoore14 @farther-than-pleiades @internallyscreamings @hwromi @atoxicrat @cuti3maddi3 @deafeningkittenblaze @its-celeste @serene-hills @lexidoll12 @poohkie90 @lunatiquess

@warmedbythebody @katzykat @iristhemuse @azkza @keiraslayz @abbyandermine @jennyjencakes @dest-nai @corset-briefs @nutze-kekse @ilytsukiw @b3anspr0ut

@pondsblog @missyouzoe @fallenkitten @bigauthorrascalturkey @bethtay @angelynn-nicole @starluv @stargirlisworld @giyuuslittleslut @impossiblecupcakelight

@rkrivees-blog @ghosts-hoe @kam1snotverysmart @gauky76 @freyjaaasstuff @spicyspicyliving @scottpilgrimvsmyfists @courtney0-0 @shinchanboi @darling006 @my-therapist-hates-me

[whatsaneggimcis]

I set up an appointment with Planned Parenthood. I'm both nervous and excited. At the end of this week, I'll be on the path to getting estrogen!!!

On another note, I've found that I now love shopping for clothes. I'd love to be more open about going to the women's section, but I live in such a MAGA area. It's so scary to be there when I see people wearing those red hats everywhere. It's almost kind of nice how they expose their nature before you ever have to interact with them.

It's really strange to come to a sudden realization about your gender. I feel absolutely blessed to have such a great group of supportive friends who have helped me on my journey. How lucky it is that I have many trans people in my life that I can look to for guidance.

[themori-witch]

As per request by a lovely anon, here are some general updates about me and my life:

I adopted four female rats from the RSPCA last year. It took some work but they are very sweet and silly. Their names are Tali, Liara, Kasumi, and Aria.

Due to an incident in which I was lied to by the employee of a major retailer about two of the rats in their adoption centre, Kasumi and Aria ended up pregnant. I now have 6 beautiful little baby rats as a result. They're gorgeous and doing very well, as are the mothers. They're 5 weeks old.

I'm still in a relationship with my lovely gamer boyfriend. We'll be celebrating 7 years together this year. 💕

Health stuff... I'll try to condense this:

- After a barrage of tests, cameras, scans, and more, I was officially told that I have severe Gastroparesis, which we all but knew. Unfortunately, that was pretty much the end of it. No further appointments, no medication to help symptoms - nothing. I was very much left to fend for myself, and that led to two hospitalizations, one in December of 2023 and one in February of 2024.

- December wasn't unfamiliar territory: 20 hours of vomiting and being unable to keep anything down led to my blood sugars being extremely high (Diabeyic Ketoacidosis). I stayed in for a few days after the DKA cleared up for monitoring.

- February was... terrifying. Started off the same as December with ceaseless vomiting, but the vomit turned to blood, and I could not stop bringing it up. Couldn't move, keep anything down, vision loss and lots, and lots of bringing up blood. I was in agony. I was rushed to A&E, where I was given anti-emetics and pain relief regularly through the many IVs I had in. Once the vomiting stopped, I was faced with another issue: my oesophagus was so inflamed and damaged that I couldn't eat or drink. I was kept in for 5 days and told that I was at risk of refeeding syndrome as I'd not eaten properly for about 3 days prior to admission. Luckily, that didn't happen, mostly because I was physically incapable of having more than a spoonful of yoghurt or mashed potato for over a week. We found out via my discharge papers that I'd had an Upper GI Haemorrhage. Scary scary scary. One good thing did happen after this admission, though! The team caring for me were absolutely outraged that I'd just been ignored since diagnosis, and I was sent home with an array of medication that has really helped me to get a handle on my symptoms during a flare up.

- Oh! I managed to catch Covid-19 quite literally on Yule and was very sick throughout New Year. I am vaccinated but caught a strain from Finland from a family member who had been there just before Yule.

I got another tattoo! It's one that I've wanted for almost a decade and I thought, given the stuff I've dealt with in the last 4 months, I deserve a treat.

[on-a-lucky-tide]

Post-Surgery Day 35 (but three days late)

cw: surgery, bodies, medical

- Good news! The wound separation in my nipple has healed closed and scarred up, and all the scabs are gone. I'm so, so frickin' happy and glad I kept my anxiety in check over it. There were so many times I wanted to pull the scab away and see the damage, or send a billion questions to the surgeon. But I trusted what the nurse told me to do, and it's fine.

- I've been a biiiit naughty with the reaching and the stretching and I've got a bit of a ache in my ribs, like, just beneath the incision? I think it's muscular in that I've obviously been hunched over and fairly stationary while I heal. I figure I'll be getting some physio and exercises after my appointment in a week. The incisions are fine and neat AF, I can't remember whether I mentioned that the part under my arms is already so faint? I thought I'd need to get some tattoos to camouflage it but I don't think I will.

- Still chonk. Sigh.

- I am exhausted after my first week (and a half) back at work. I've been relatively good and not lifting stuff too heavy, or reaching too high. My colleagues have been awesome, and I mean awesome. I've received so many hugs and big smiles; they genuinely missed me, which... I'm actually shocked? I didn't realise how much healing I still have to do in terms of self worth. The damage done by a handful of people a year or so ago has clearly impacted quite deep. But, anyways, people keep coming up to me to tell me their kid is trans or non-binary or gay, or they know someone who is, or their kid's partner is... They are so excited about it.

- I have had one encounter with someone I think has terfy leanings. It was an assessor from a training body we use for our trainee teachers. She kept using my deadname, even though her institution has been updated. Now, I need these teachers to pass so I bit my lip. My headteacher, however, a big Welsh dude, informed her that if she couldn't address his teachers with respect she could leave the premises. I was... shocked. So was she. I was named appropriately for the rest of the day, and when I thanked him later he just said that some people have no class, and ambled off to herd some kids. 🤣

- My driving license came through! That's the second government body that has acknowledged my new name and gender. My bank is sorted too. I'm going to sort out the mortgage (second bank, land registry), the vehicles (car and bike) and my passport. The passport I am worried about because I've reached that they can be picky about the GIC. We'll see.

- I am delivering a conference for the first time tomorrow as myself and I'm actually a little bit nervous? I don't think anything of talking to rooms full of 100s, usually. I'm an expert in my field and that's why I'm there. But. As me now? The person I've had to keep protected and quiet for years? Scary.

- Six more days until my final appointment with my surgeon. I hope I get good grades in healing so I can go back to the gym. :3

[hydeingpurples]

Hey man! I always love hearing about others’ transition. I’m a trans guy myself who is just now identifying that way very recently and is navigating getting ready to start T and top surgery whenever I’m able as I am saving up. I’d love to hear about your journey and where you are now. 😊

🏳️‍⚧️ Testosterone and Top Surgery 🏳️‍⚧️ (UK) : Discovering Myself, Hormones, Top surgery, Where I Am Now

Hey buddy! I'm more than happy to tell my story so far. I'll pack as much into this post as I can, as it may be helpful to others too, so it may be a bit long, but I'll do it in sections 😊

🕵🏻 Discovering Myself 🧐

This bit was tough. I think it is for a lot of us. I knew deep down for several years that I wasn't a girl. I was terrified of the thoughts that were buzzing around my head, terrified of the things I was feeling. I buried it so deep. At university, I started to let go a bit. Friends around me came out as non-binary and trans, I figured it wasn't so bad. I experimented with pronouns and identities, and eventually I admitted to myself that I was just a guy. I came out to my family aged 21 by letter and it went really well.

Things were still a bit scary though. Trying a binder on for the first time was both exciting and daunting. It felt so freeing and right, but scary too because it meant that, maybe, I needed to get rid of my chest.

💊 Hormones 💉

Over time, the dysphoria got worse and worse. I was becoming extremely jealous of my best friend who was on testosterone (T) and features that other men had that I didn't. I struggled most with my period. At its worst, I spent hours in my flat toilet and the toilets at work crying and withering in disgust and vile discomfort. I'll never forget those feelings.

I knew I'd make it to the other end though one day because my friend had. And, fortunately, April 2023, that day came.

📝 Testosterone Prescription 😄

After jumping through a load of loopholes and sending my blood tests off, my GP/Doctor booked me an appointment. I thought it was just to talk to me about my blood tests.

I sat down and he talked to me for a bit. Nothing much, nothing special. Then, he started printing something out. He whipped it from the printer and handed me this lil slip of paper. It was a prescription letter.

You know how people say the world can stop? Or go in slow motion? That's exactly what happened. I must have spent an entire lifetime staring down in silence, in awe, at this little piece of paper. My eyes were welling up with joy. I looked at him and all I could do was thank him, over and over and over again. A great smile beamed on his face.

Upon leaving, everything was blurry. It was like I had tunnel vision. All I could see was this piece of paper. I stormed out of the building, called my Mom, and violently cried with joy.

"Slow down, I can't understand you", she said.

"I've got it. I've got it. I have a testosterone prescription!" I spluttered.

It took me a while to calm down, haha. I've never been so joyous.

🌱 Testosterone Effects Timeline 📊

⚠️Please note everyone's changes, intensity of changes, and rates of changes are different⚠️

Week 1: no voice drop, but my throat felt different; increased discharge downstairs; a little sweatier and took me longer to cool down.

Week 2-3: some hot flashes but not many; needed bigger meals.

After 1 month: period stopped (🥳); small amount of increased hair growth on legs; head hair started growing faster; more and slightly more intense hot flashes; subtle voice changes, easier to talk at my lowest level.

2 months: stamina increase, longer work time and shorter recovery time; voice slightly deeper; upper lip hair started coming through darker; increased peach fuzz hair growth on face, arms, legs, stomach, especially legs; increased spots on back.

Up to 6 months: how I felt and processed emotions changed (found it A LOT easier to process emotions, less chaotic mind); even more hair growth and a few random beard hairs; further stamina increase; my sweat and pee changed how they smelt which was weird; further voice changes; sometimes I had sudden bouts of strong hunger but not often.

Up to 12 months: increased downstairs discharge stopped; even more body hair (thicker, darker, curly), especially on legs; a few more beard hairs on chin; back spots decreased; voice a little deeper; face shape changes, boarder shoulders.

Up to 17 months (now): almost every area on my legs is hair; hair growth on butt and up butt; a few more beard hairs (that grow back pretty quick after shaving); warmer, more and longer got flashes, difficulties cooling down (I'm also extremely heat averse though so 🤷🏻); masculinising hairline (i.e receding at the front to look more masculine); much more noticeable voice changes, difficulties reaching higher tones, much easier to talk low.

Extra: I haven't experienced any bottom growth or change in libido at all. I've identified as asexual for a while now and still do, no changes at all. It's fairly common to experience bottom growth and some report a change in libido too, I just haven't 🤷🏻

🧑🏻‍⚕️ Top Surgery 😷 - double incision

I was terrified I wasn't going to get to this stage. I moved from Wales to England and both have different medical systems, so I was petrified of my surgery referral getting lost.

Fortunately, it didn't get lost. Once it was booked in, I had my consultation where I met the surgeon and her team, I was measured, told about the process and what could go wrong and what the solutions were.

Now I had a new fear: was this right? The self doubt was ridiculous. What if I regretted it? What if I hated my results?

The morning of the surgery answered these questions. My plan was that if it felt wrong on the morning, I knew I had the power to back out.

At 8:30am I was called to my surgery. I wrapped my arms around my Mom, a giant smile swallowing my face, and I said, "see you later!", and pranced down the corridor with the nurse. I was SO excited.

Going under anaesthetic was perfectly alright. It was insanely fast which I wasn't expecting. They started the anaesthetic and all I had time for was a few sentences before I was out.

🛏️ Recovery 🏥

💫I've got a big list of tips and tricks for top surgery recovery which might be best for another post because it's huge💫

Recovery actually wasn't too bad. When I woke up, the only discomfort I felt was a prickly feeling around the surgery site which they quickly sorted with painkillers. The day after anaesthetic was a bit rocky, I slept a lot and felt a bit icky, basically like a hangover. After that, all I felt was a dull aching in my abdomen for 3/4 days, otherwise no pain. I couldn't actually feel anything around my nipples or incisions, it was totally numb. The trickiest part was actually keeping myself busy so my Tourette's didn't damage the surgery site.

Once things had healed up a bit more and my stitches were out/dissolved away, I really started to appreciate my new chest. Unlike some people, I didn't have a super euphoria moment. For me, it's simply been total peace and relief since. I no longer think about my chest in any capacity. It feels natural, normal, right, and that, to me, means it was absolutely the right decision. It was what I needed.

🙋🏻 Where am I Now? 🙋🏻

It's been just over 10 months since my top surgery and my scars are fading very well. I'm very happy with the results. I've regained a substantial amount of sensation too in both my nipples and the incision scars. I've done a huge amount of scary care which I'm happy to talk about in another post so this one doesn't get any longer.

I'm fortunate enough to have had all of my records changed, I have a male passport, and I recently passed my driving test and have a full driver's license with my new name on it!

But, I think more importantly, I now feel more confident, I care about what I wear and how I look, I've found my style and what I like to wear, I look after my personal hygiene, and I feel like myself.

And that is where I am now 😊

I hope you've found this helpful in some way. There's a lot of information here. It was nice to type that story out. If you'd like anything else in more detail or have any questions, go for it!

[ice-block]

Idk if anyone is interested but I thought I’d put it out there because the other day I was talking w my therapist and she said when people have a negative experience with something they’re WAY more likely to tell everyone they know and when they have a good or neutral experience they don’t think much of it SO I’d like to put something positive out there for anyone who might be in the position I was in.

So anyway here’s my experience getting my first pap smear, as someone with an INSANE amount of anxiety about it:

I try to keep some less than pleasant personal stuff off this blog but I’ve got a decently sized medical phobia, general mistrust of gynecology after reading too many horror stories, and some weirdness about gender/sexuality/body (???) I don’t entirely understand myself. I also understand that maintaining personal health is important even if it’s scary so when my doctor told me it was time to make an appointment with a gynecologist, I did it, then spent the next 3 weeks having nightmares, anxiety attacks, and experiencing a general sense of impending doom as the appointment approached.

Things my therapist and I talked about before hand included:

1.) save your stress for the future, if it goes good, great! If it goes poorly, you’re allowed to be stressed then . Don’t make yourself suffer unless you need to.

2.) know what accommodations you want and be prepared to ask for them confidently and clearly. I wanted the smallest speculum, a warning BEFORE any and all touching, and to be able to stop at any moment.

The appointment eventually did arrive and while I was still a ball of nerves I got myself there and obediently went through the steps of registering as a patient and remaining sane in the waiting room, I was called to the back (if you have a support person you want to bring with you you can but I went alone) and chatted with the nurse about health history etc, this pretty much resembled your standard doctors appointment, they take your heart rate, BP, etc. the nurse wrapped up and told me the doctor would be in in a minute, I should undress from the waist down, and showed me a cloth (which was basically a really big napkin) I could cover my lap with. I definitely went pale at this and if my high blood pressure didn’t tip her off she definitely knew I was internally freaking out. She offered to have the doctor come in first if that would make me more comfortable and I declined.

I was left alone to undress, it feels really weird to take off your pants in an office with fluorescent lighting, after a minute the doctor knocked then came in (there’s also a curtain in front of the door so nobody walking past can just see you pants-less) she was a very kind woman who asked me some questions about it being my first time, at this point I was prepared to say my demands but I was very shocked when she beat me to it! She outright offered the smallest speculum and said “I’m going to show you the tools, we’ll talk through the procedure, and we’ll decide if a Pap smear is something we want to do today” which made me instantly feel so much better. My other surprise was how SMALL the smallest speculum was! It was about the size of my pointer finger. If it had been larger I honestly don’t know if I could have done the procedure but once I realized it was tiny I knew it’d be ok. (Also side note: it feels really weird to talk with someone while pants-less and holding a big napkin over your crotch)

I was instructed to lay on the exam table, which was really low to the ground when I got on it then raised up like a dentists chair, the little foot holds popped out from underneath it and I was instructed to put my feet in the holds and scoot all the way to the edge, I kept looking at the doctor through this and was told that during the exam I would have to look up at the ceiling. She warned me before even the slightest touch (“I’m going to put my hand on your thigh now”) asked if I was ready, when I said yes she inserted the speculum, which felt weird but not painful, it didn’t even feel painful when it opened. Just strange. Then the doctor took a cell scraping which felt REALLY weird for a part of the body not used to that sensation at all. It felt scratchy and then for a brief second their was a bit of pain (I’d rate like a 3 out of 10) and I thought “if this lasts any longer I can’t do this” but it was really only a split second and the worst moment was also the end. The speculum was quickly removed making the Pap smear a total of like 30 seconds max. Then the doctor told me she would check my uterus and ovaries and (still maintaining consent and giving warning) inserted a finger and pressed with her other hand hard on my stomach, this didn’t hurt either and the pressure/rubbing on my stomach made it so I wasn’t thinking about her other hand at all! Then I was allowed to sit up again, close my legs, the doctor asked if I had any questions and I was out of there!

Anyway hopefully this can help someone out there I tried to include all the details I had wanted while doing frantic research before hand, if you’re in the same boat, you can do this!

[stranded-ziggy]

Got home from work and tried to draw but I'm just not feeling it so...have some more thoughts since I don't want to go to therapy because frankly I'm too lazy.

So, touch wood but, whatever I was going through in the last couple of months seems to have left and I'm back to feeling a bit more confident and excited for Testosterone but still dreading real life responsibilities like taxes and a dentist appointment next week.

I'm trying to unpack what happened to make me feel like that again...

I think really, it's fun to use labels online and feel like I'm a part of a community but in reality I don't want to transition. I want to just, be a girl and goddamnit be good at it. But I'm just not, wearing make up earnestly makes me feel gross, growing my hair out makes me feel gross.

I feel confident in my short hair (got a long overdue haircut yesterday and maaan the difference it's made), can't leave the house without a binder on and I'm still super self conscious about my wide hips and yet, I just can't really admit to myself I'm actually trans.

I'm afraid of being unlovable, afraid of the people I care about turning against me, afraid I still won't like myself. I have to be really serious about this to take myself seriously and risk the life I only just started building and I've never been serious about anything my whole life.

I'm like Macklemore in that one song where he's adding up the reasons he must not be gay, liking sport and whatever else it was but in my case it's the fact I bought a dress (I probably won't ever wear but it's a colour I like and style I love to draw) and I idolize women like Marilyn Monroe. I put beauty and hygiene on an ultra high pedestal (a flaw, I know, I'll work on it one day when I know how) and sometimes, like what I was just going through, I convince myself I just want to be trans because I know I can't be a conventionally attractive woman. I know that's all ridiculous but I never claimed to have a high IQ, I got just as much brainrot from the internet as everyone else.

In a way I wish I could go back to living in a vacuum like I did when I was a shut in but I know that would just set me back again. But man, having things to lose is scary.

I'm very attached to rural Australia and country life, I probably always will be. Maybe it's just because I'm stubborn but I don't want to go back to the city, I think living standards out here are just so much better, life is just enjoyable. People give shits about each other, I actually have human interactions when I decide to go out shopping. Probably most importantly it's still so un-corrupted by the internet out here, practically no one at work knows what 'cancelled' or 'woke' mean and I love that.

Also, there's so many more queer people out here than in Sydney? It feels like in the city people are trying so hard to conform where out here no one really cares.

Don't get me wrong, the bigots are plenty which is why I bring this up at all. I'm not really scared outside of places people know me though because there's plenty of masculine looking cishet women in rural Australia so I blend right in whether I pass or not. But yeah, finding out people I work with and like suddenly hate me is a horrifying prospect. Enough to make me think I probably won't come out until for whatever reason I switch jobs. Which I hope won't be for a while because I like my work and feel lucky I get to work there.

So yeah, that's where I'm at now if you were bothered to read that, I'm sorry.

I still identify as genderfluid, but in the end I know I have to change things about myself to love myself. I also know there's certain effects of T that would really help me purely from a health perspective, so trans or not I'm trying to get a prescription.

[selfpositiveundertale]

Update

CW: discussion of trauma (the trauma was a bad car accident)

I was able to pay for my dog's vet appointment and her medicine thanks to the person who paypal'd me ❤️❤️❤️ She isn't happy about having to take medicine again but hopefully this will be the last round, it's pretty much just probiotics and something to settle her stomach because the antibiotics really did a number on her tummy.

My hands ache from the crash but it's no worse than the soreness after crocheting for several hours. I can do some crocheting but I find thicker yarn much easier and less painful to work with right now. That said, I got a bunch of chenille yarn a while back and I have some larger plush versions of my Ralsei amogus dolls in the works. The first one is almost done, I just have to assemble and attach the hat. Will post a pic when he's done. I want to have at least 2 each with and without squeakers made and then I might reopen my Etsy shop and list them. They will cost more due to the cost of materials, but I'll probably mostly have dolls made of the chenille yarn for a while, at least until I can work with normal yarn without pain within minutes again. I'm hoping to sell a couple by Tuesday because I have another chiropractic appointment that day I'll need to pay for and my husband doesn't get paid again until Friday.

I'm still trying to process what happened. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow and I will be discussing it with her. This therapist is new to me, my previous one that I had for a few years left the place I'm with and is now working elsewhere. We've only had like 2 sessions but she seems nice. It's just a little frustrating having to break in a new therapist all over again but not really a problem so I'm not worried.

I drove today, to take my dog to the vet. It was scary. I didn't realize how paranoid I would be of other drivers, fully expecting anyone and everyone to whip out in front of me when they're waiting to exit a parking lot to the road or suddenly veer into my lane when they're right beside me and I panicked every time I saw them. It took a lot of self control to not slam on the brakes and to remind myself that other people are not going to do things like that. I have to remember I know how to drive safely and most people are not going to be so reckless as to do the dangerous things my brain is expecting them to do. My anxiety around driving is almost back to where it was while I was still very new at it, terrified to be on the road with other people and having no trust in them and even less trust in myself. I have to build up my confidence again and I have no idea how long it will take.

I have to say, getting hit by one huge trauma all at once sure feels different from the trauma I'm used to, which is the kind that builds up over many years in a toxic and dysfunctional family. It's kind of surreal, I find myself wondering if it was all a dream but then I see the bruises on my legs and feel the ache in my palms and how stiff and sore my body still is even after a chiropractic appointment and see the empty space where I would have parked my vehicle and I have to remember it really happened. I get this weird chill that seeps up the back of my head like cold water in my hair when I remember it. And yeah, I'm grateful I walked away with nothing worse than bruises and stuff my chiropractor fixes literally all the time anyway, but I wish it didn't happen.

It's all such a mess. Right now I'm just trying to focus on keeping myself fed with good food and busy with things that can make some money. I'm making chili tomorrow because it's one of the less expensive things I can make, and also I could use some comfort food after the week I've had. And maybe the familiar routine of cooking the beans will help soothe my brain. I only use dry beans as I can't stand the texture of canned beans. Cooking them isn't difficult or complicated, just time consuming and I think the 2 or 3 hours it'll take to cook them will do me some good.

It's after midnight and I'm exhausted, so I'm gonna try to get some sleep. Goodnight, and stay determined.

❤️🧡💛💚🩵💙💜

[madneedshelp]

Be There - Steve Harrington x F!Reader

Summary: When a friends-with-benefits agreement leads to an unplanned pregnancy, you have to figure out how to tell Steve the news and plan for the aftermath.

A/N: Yeah pregnancy tropes can be annoying, but I was feeling domestic and dad Steve makes me wanna cry

"You don't look so hot, Y/N." Robin pointed out as she absentmindedly flipped through a magazine on your bed.

You groaned and flipped her off. “Thanks for noticing. I’m glad I look as shitty as I feel.”

Your friend merely shrugged at you, but you knew she was right. You looked like crap. You felt like crap. The past week or so, you’d felt nauseous and tired. Needless to say you didn’t have to energy to put any effort into your appearance.

“How long have you been feeling bad?” Robin pushed herself up onto her elbows.

“Um, I don’t know? A week?”

“Hmmm…”

“Hey, what’s that for? Don’t ‘hmmm’ me, missy.” You raise an eyebrow at her.

This time she sat up fully, her expression growing serious. “Okay, don’t get mad at me, but I think you should go get a test.”

“What?” She couldn’t possibly be suggesting…

“Taking a pregnancy test couldn’t hurt. I know you two thought you were being sneaky, but we all know about your situation with Steve. All I’m saying is maybe you should check. Listen, I’ll even go with you to buy the test, and I can stay while you take it if you want some moral support.” Robin elaborated.

She made too many good points. That was the scary part. She was definitely right, it wasn’t a bad idea to go get a test. After all the stress and chaos of the spring, with Hawkins almost being destroyed and all, you and Steve had found a sort of comfort in each other. The two of you weren’t dating, just close friends that happened to sleep with each other from time to time.

So, that was how you ended up sitting in your bathroom with Robin. The two of you sat anxiously as you avoided looking at the stick.

“You do it.” You blurted.

“What? Me?” Robin gaped.

You nodded quickly. “I can’t do it. You look. Please, Rob.”

Robin exhaled and nodded slowly. “Yeah, okay. I’ll look.”

She stepped over to the sink and glanced down in the sink, where moments before you’d placed the little white sticks. All she had to do was look at it and ensure you that they were still white, and hadn’t turned-

“Blue. Holy shit, they’re blue. Y/N, they turned blue.” She turned to you with wide eyes.

Oh fuck. Three pregnancy tests, you took three just in case, and they all came back positive.

You were pregnant.

Tears welled up in your eyes and soon spilled over your cheeks. “Robin, what am I going to do?! We just graduated high school! What about college? I can’t go away to school with a baby! Oh God…what about Steve? How am I going to tell him?”

Robin abruptly cut you off with a hug. It was a little awkward since neither of you were exactly huggers, but in that moment you clutched her back tightly.

“Y/N, listen, it’s gonna be okay. We’ve got you, I’ll be here no matter what. You want to keep it? I’ll help out. Give it up? I support you. End it? I’ll go with you to the appointment. And trust me, Steve will say the same.” Robin muttered as she rubbed soothing circles into your back.

You nodded, but you just needed a minute. You had finally felt like things were going back to normal. After graduation, you and Robin had saved up for months to get an apartment together. College was going to start soon, and you were both looking forward to it. It was perfect, young adult bliss. Just two friends in an apartment, working part time jobs and getting ready for college.

But then this happened. A baby. You couldn’t believe it. Yeah, you and Steve hooked up a lot, but you were careful. Apparently not careful enough.

“Thanks, Robin. For being here.” You whispered into her shoulder.

•••••••

It took you a week to work up the courage to tell Steve. You weren’t proud of that timeframe, but you needed some time to come to terms with things yourself.

You decided to keep it. For reasons you couldn’t comprehend, you wanted to have the baby. Sure you were young and not even with the father, but you were determined to make it work and even Robin offered to help. Now you just had to figure out how to tell Steve that.

He knew something was up, that much you could tell. You’d turned him down twice this week to hang out, and each time you sounded more panicked when you canceled.

You took a deep breath and knocked on his door. This was one of the few times it came in handy that Steve’s parents were always gone. Having this conversation with them present would be less than ideal.

The man in question opened the door moments later with a grin. “Hey, Y/N, what’s going on? Didn’t expect you.”

You shrugged with a nervous laugh. “Well, I just wanted to talk about something. You busy right now?”

Steve’s smile faltered slightly. “Uh, yeah no I’m free. Come on in.”

You followed him inside and into the living room. He sat down on the couch and you took a seat on the chair next to it.

“You want anything to drink or…?” Steve offered anxiously.

You shook your head. “I’m good, thanks though.”

“So, what did you want to talk about?” Steve blurted.

Cutting right to the chase. I mean, that was the whole reason for you being there, but you still dreaded the next part. Still, it had to be said sooner or later.

“Okay, here goes. I’m pregnant.” You stated. You had hoped to sound calm, but your voice was shaking slightly.

The atmosphere grew twice as tense in an instant. Steve stared at you in shock. No words. He just…blinked.

You decided to fill the silence with the script you’d mentally prepared with Robin earlier. Of course the script didn’t quite come out as rehearsed. “So, um, it’s yours. Well, I’m not saying you have to be there. What I mean is I’m keeping it, but you don’t have to be involved if you don’t want. This was just a fling, you didn’t sign up for a baby. But you can be around if you want to be. I just thought you should know, so you can do what you want with the information.”

As soon as the words left your mouth, you internally cringed. That was probably one of the worst pregnancy confessions to occur. You didn’t want to sound like an ass and keep him from his kid’s life, but you also didn’t want him to think you were trying to ensnare him in some scheme.

“You’re pregnant? Like, for real, being one hundred percent serious? We’re having a baby?” Steve rasped, still looking mildly stunned.

“Completely serious. I have an appointment with a doctor next week and everything.”

He was silent for another beat. “Can I go with you?”

“Oh, uh, sure.” You stammer, not quite expecting this.

“And not just tomorrow, like for all of it. I want it be there. I know we’re young and all, but I want to be a dad to our kid. If you’ll have me.” Steve looked over at you, and you could swear tears shone in his eyes.

You gave him a small smile. “Our baby will be lucky to have you, of course you can be there.”

“Is it okay if I hug you?”

The question seemed so odd, considering how physical your relationship normally was but you nodded with a chuckled.

As Steve embraced you, a small weight was lifted off of you. He took this way better than most guys you knew would. Probably because Steve was just a generally good person.

“Steve?”

“Hm?” He pulled away to look at your face.

“I’m glad it’s you. I know it’s all crazy and we're severely underprepared for this, I'm glad you're the one I'm doing this with." You admitted.

Steve grinned and kissed you on the cheek. "I'm glad it's you, too."

"Does this mean you'll go with me to tell my parents? Because I'm sure they'll be thrilled to know their first grandchild will be the product of a hook up." You elbowed him lightly in an attempt at some humor to lighten things up.

He chuckled. "Sure, I'll go. Hey, do you think it would help if the grandkid came from your boyfriend?"

You stilled. "Boyfriend?"

Steve sensed your wariness and gave you a little space. He cleared his throat before explaining. "Yeah, well that's what I wanted to talk to you about the other day, but you said you weren't feeling good and then we had bigger fish to fry today. What I'm getting at is it didn't exactly come up yet, but I wanted to ask you about it. I really care about you, Y/N. Obviously we have that spark, but it's more than that. You're incredible, you're funny, and you're so kind. I fell for you long before we started whatever this is, and I really hope you'd consider giving this a real shot."

Now you felt stunned. Sure, you had a little crush on Steve. That had just gotten a bit lost in your mind compared to the past couple days. But date? Right now?

"Steve, we're going to be parents by next year. Are you sure we should try this now?"

"No," He answered honestly. "But I'm more sure that I want you in my life than I am of anything right now."

Fuck if this man didn't always manage to pull at your heart strings. For now, you'd blame it on the baby hormones, you decided.

You could share his sentiment, though. While you were willing to do this alone, you'd love to have Steve there. There was nothing clearer in your heart. You fell for Steve long ago, you were having his baby, maybe dating wasn't too awful of an idea.

"Boyfriend does have a nice ring to it." You gave him a grin, which he returned with a slow, sweet kiss.

[morimakesfanart]

Sweetie are you alive?????

Somehow??? ;0;

I know I disappeared and I've been trying to figure out how to explain it when I post the next chapter. I have been unwell in multiple ways ;-;

I'm going to use this ask to try to figure out how to say it

First, the day after my birthday (yes the day after posting the last canon chapter) I went through something extremely scary that I don't want to talk about. I thought I was okay, but I'm the type to compartmentalize until I am actually safe enough to feel which turned out to be a few weeks after the event. I was actually so shaken up by what happened that I couldn't write or draw or do anything for fun for nearly a month. I was like a robot

Second, just as I was getting better emotionally, I got very very sick, had to see many doctors and specialists to figure out what was wrong. I had 3 conditions making each other worse. I won't get into the details here but it hurt to open one of my eyes for a long time and then I developed sever vision fatigue in both. Last week I was finally diagnosed as being infection free after months of treatments, but it went on for so long that I'll probably be having symptoms for at least another month as my body calms down.

The biggest saving grace is that I now I know I've been fighting an infection for who knows how long and got cured of it, maybe I won't get as sick all the time for a while???? ((Please🤞🤞🤞))

I started working on the art for the next chapter 2 weeks ago as the pain started fading enough that it didn't hurt to look at my art tablet. Not sure how long it will take because I keep getting vision fatigue very quickly. Patreon got to see the sketch version already. I'm practically desperate to draw and write at this point so as I'm slowly able to do so it's rushing out of me like tsunami. I have chapters 40&41 mostly done being written now too

Medical TMI for the morbidly curious :

(not a lot of details, but I wanted to hide it because I know eye stuff can be scary for people)

I learned that I had an ongoing eye infection in my eye lids and around my eye lashes for the past several years that was misdiagnosed (that doctor definitely didn't like me so I'm not surprised tbh). It only revealed the truth because my immune system couldn't keep up anymore and the infection started spreading under the skin in an extremely huge and painful way. The past several months I've been doing treatments. It was only last week that I was diagnosed as cured of both infections, but it will still be a month or more of living with the after effects. It has hurt to use my eyes and keep them open for most of the past several months. It doesn't hurt much anymore at least. I have another appointment coming up to see if the current symptoms were from the infection+ meds, or if all of this was so bad that I have glaucoma now. It runs in my family so I'm at risk. Also, it looks like I will need eye drops for the rest of my life, and developing dry eyes was most likely a big factor in why I got the first infection.

I'm so done with being sick