#i have no clue if the alternative ending joke makes any sense outside of my sleepy brain so please let me know!

[seriousturd]

Another silly doodle comic of the guys

Bonus:

Plus an alternative ending under the cut hehe:

[emmarzhere]

3am AU time: Sanders Sides Swap!!

Once again I can’t sleep due to my brain insisting it’s much more important to write down these ideas for a Light and Dark side swap AU than sleep, so 3AM TUMBLR RAMBLE IT IS BABYYYY!!!

So I wanted to try using traits already existing in each character to make their inverses, rather than just swapping traits or completely changing the character’s core values, and these are my initial late night ideas:

(Note: I saved this as a draft and revisited it in the morning / afternoon to make sure it all actually made sense and to add to it with a fresh mind)

(Extra note: I accidentally lost all my additions and the entirety of Patton’s and Virgil’s descriptions by refreshing the page, so it’ll now be written out again in a less formatted way. DAMN YOU TUMBLRRRR!!!!!!)

Roman:

My initial reaction was to make Roman “Pride”, and extend on his egocentric nature (like what is done with many Dark!Roman interpretations), however five minutes of laying in bed thinking about it later I found a trait I felt fit him better: Delusion.

This Roman could still be very much “Netflix kids and family”, living and trying to make Thomas live in a fantasy land where everything is always fine and dandy. This insistence of only seeing things through his figurative or not so figurative rose tinted glasses makes this Roman very naive and hard to get through to, and while on the surface appears very appealing to Thomas (when they first meet Thomas doesn’t understand why Roman counts as a dark side) can be very dangerous if Thomas leans too much into his ways of escaping reality, aka making Thomas a delusional person. The best part of this choice of trait for Roman is that I can still tie in his ego; delusions can be fuel people’s egos, and also to protect them from harsh realities, hence why Delusional works as a role for Roman.

While normally I see Dark Side Roman designed to be an evil prince or king, I decided to go for a more glamorous look which I think fitted my version more: Roman would wear a pristine black and red suit consisting of a red waistcoat, tie and trousers, a black button up shirt and black or red heeled boots. I also wanted his design to link to the white peacock (a rare type caused by a genetic mutation), so I topped off the outfit with either a vintage white shawl or a Cruella style coat (leaning towards Cruella because we know Roman and Disney!) with white peacock feathers attached (still trying to decide if I want Roman to have decorated the feathers with red and black accents or not), and a pair of literal rose tinted glasses to hide his white peacock eyes - pale blue with a glassy look to them which always gives the impression that he is far away, even when he’s not.

Finally his sword is replaced with a grandiose black walking stick with silver details, along with the handle being a silver peacock head (note: possibly detachable from the cane to reveal a silver knife?). I chose this as weapons like these in fiction are often used to appear innocent, only to reveal a hidden depth of skill and character; a description which I think applies well to Delusional Roman.

Extra note: Delusional Roman gets snappy, angry, or even threatening when people try to break him out of or correct him on his delusional ways, though he will often try to slip deeper into his fantasies than actually deal with emotional confrontations.

Extra extra note: Roman is incredibly jealous of his brother as he can’t understand why he’s been accepted despite Roman being the one who creates such wonderfully perfect worlds for Thomas to escape off into! He’s also jealous of how his brother doesn’t care what others think of his work and doesn’t seek validation from the others, not that Roman would ever admit that he does either of those things.

Patton:

So the 3 main aspects of Patton I felt would work best for a Dark Side are his destructive selflessness, his overly strong morale compass and how he encompasses many of Thomas’ more negative feelings.

I couldn’t decide whether to officially label him as “Denial” or “Repression”, but either way he holds a similar role: he represses his / Thomas’ negative feelings, as well as tries to push Thomas to do the morally right thing (as he still represents Morality, just not as his main trait) which almost always is the selfless option. It’s almost impossible to convince this Patton that his viewpoint is not necessarily the correct choice (he’s in denial that he as Morality can ever be in the wrong), and he becomes hostile when his views are continuously challenged.

The light sides see Patton as the main holder and cause of Thomas’ negative feelings (eg. makes Thomas act selfless and do things for others until he’s burnt out and depressed), and when Thomas is feeling these negative feelings Patton experiences them but more strongly to the point where the others have to force him out of bed (usually Logan) and take care of him until he and Thomas get out of the depressive slump. However once he’s out he will deny that he was the problem and begin pushing Thomas down the self-destructive path again.

While this Patton will deny his depression and many negative feelings, he is still not as upbeat as Happy-Pappy-Pal-Canon-Patton, matching more with how the side acts in more serious moments such as at the end of SvS redux. He will smile and comfort others, but laughter and puns are rarely seen.

Another thing about this dark side Patton is that he is very manipulative (a trait shifted from Janus to Patton), even if he doesn’t believe himself to be. He uses his role as “morale compass” to invalidate other’s opinions if they clash with his, and often emotionally hurts the sides he gets close to by caring for them and performing selfless acts for them to show his love (eg. makes breakfast for the other Darks sides every morning, goes out of his way to learn more about their interests so that they can have someone to talk to them about) followed by him simplifying complex morale dilemmas in a way that makes it appear that his option is the only correct one, making the others feel bad about their differing viewpoints (a bit like how Roman felt invalidated and morally wrong throughout SvSR as his views didn’t line up with Patton’s).

This Patton wears a worn out pale blue shirt with a fraying black jumper over the top, leaving only the collar of the shirt visible. He has frog features too; with blots of green skin scattered all over his body, slightly webbed hands and he croaks! The splodges grow larger the more emotion Patton represses. He also really doesnt like his frog features as they don’t align with the perfect image of himself that Patton has in his head, so he tries to cover them up as much as possible with his black jumper, pale blue gloves (leather ones as he tried woollen ones and his frog skin made them go sticky) and baggy trousers, although there isn’t much he can do to hide the blots on his face or his brown frog eyes....

(He’s also constantly worn out as frog-pops has no clue what self-care even means)

Extra note: Patton goes through a sort of alternate character development to canon Patton, where as he begins to be accepted by some of the Light Sides and Thomas they discuss how he doesn’t just represent Thomas’ negative feelings, but all of his feelings; a lot of them are just also accidentally repressed alongside the “bad” feelings. As time goes on Patton becomes more cheerful and goofy, even dropping the occasional dad joke, although never quite to the levels of canon Patton.

Extra extra note: The happier this Patton is, the less faded the blues on his clothes become (much like Virgil’s eyeshadow), until at moments of peak happiness his gloves and shirt are canon Patton blue (eg. when Thomas is with Nico, or when Janus and Thomas first accepted him). Cute blue embroidered designs also form on his black jumper at peak happiness, such as butterflies, simple cats, pawprints and frogs.

Logan:

So Logan is the only side I have decided to leave with the same official trait title: Logic, although he also has the orange trait Anger within him. He will also be taking the place of Virgil as the Dark Side who is prematurely accepted.

However Logan here is still different from canon Logan: he represses and denies his emotions even more than canon due to the other dark sides attitudes towards him (Delusional Roman in particular does not appreciate the truth bombs and logical reasoning the calculator watch drops), leading to more angry outbursts / orange showing through. This makes Logan a horribly unstable side, with him appearing completely apathetic to any sort of feeling for an undetermined period of time until he next reaches his limit and has an explosion of rage - he holds both Logic and Anger/Orange in him here, but the anger shows through a lot more due to his circumstances.

His clothes are always shredded and falling apart due to him tearing them when he’s angry + the rage can come out like an explosion that wrecks everything in his surrounding area, including the clothes on him. He sticks to plain black t shirts and trousers to start with as he claims he doesn’t see the point in putting effort into an outfit as he has no desire to please others.

However when Thomas starts making videos Logan can’t help but show up from time to time. He is unsure why as he could not care less what Thomas or the idiotic “Light Sides” think of him, though he figures while he’s there he might as well educate the buffoons so they can reach more informed, educated conclusions to their constant dilemmas.

At first the Lights don’t take his presence well, and more times than one he’d leave towards the end of an episode to explode in the privacy of his room. But surprisingly they eventually start listening to him, considering his inputs, and Logan leaves filming shoots satisfied, even popping into the Light Side’s area occasionally outside of filming days to talk to them.

However Logan notices a pattern as time goes on: the more he’s around the Light Sides, the less he goes Orange. He tests it by spending a week only hanging with the Lights and finds that his anger barely built up at all. Logan quickly reaches the conclusion that his orange trait isn’t actually uncontrollable, it’s how the others treated him that made it so hard to act civil. That is what leads to Logan hating the Dark Sides (much like canon Virgil does) and finally joining the lights.

Soon after being accepted Logan has an outfit change, where he goes from his burnt, tattered rags to his canon outfit, as he finally feels stable and appreciated enough to trust himself in not ruining a nice new Logic outfit. From then on his journey is about accepting that he has feelings and learning that they’re valid.

Extra note: Logan’s worst fear is the idea of going Orange in front of Thomas or the Light Sides - he finally has people who listen to him and if they see his orange side it might scare them off or they’ll lose any respect for him they had. Worst of all they could get hurt…

Extra extra note: Neither Thomas or any of the Light Sides apart from Janus are aware that Logan holds the Orange trait, believing that he only ever was Logic, just more apathetic to start with (and they actually all buy his reasoning of his old outfit being trashed due to him not caring enough about appearances to fix it, to Janus’s dismay but not disbelief - a bunch of himbos, the lot of them!).

Virgil:

Virgil still represents the “Fight or Flight” response in this AU, just without the excess Anxiety. His official title would be “Instinct”, and he would be more confident than canon Virgil. The decrease in anxiety would also make him better at making rational decisions, though he would still freak out and make not-so-great choices in stressful situations.

Rather than a spider, I decided to link this Virgil more strongly with a cat, with heightened senses, lightning reflexes and eyes that reflect light much like a cats. These additions also match with his change of aesthetic from patchwork emo to fantasy vigilante mixed with bright purple punk, plus the addition of purple eyeshadow applied actually correctly. I made this choice as both canon and this Virgil see themselves as a protector of Thomas, yet Virgil is still slightly more morally grey than the other 2 Light Sides (sort of like canon Logan) hence a darker design. Plus is it really Virgil at all if he doesn’t spend his free time listening to MCR?

Virgil also takes the role of canon Roman when it comes to Patton being accepted: he initially falls strongly for Patton’s caring qualities, with the Dark side helping sooth his anxious moments and suggesting that Thomas make other non-selfish options that don’t make Virgil feel as anxious as some of Janus’ options. So for Patton’s first few conflicts Virgil sticks up for him, claiming he’s not all bad. Then he witnesses how Patton’s selfless choices affect Thomas and realises he’s been manipulated; there was no reason to go all the way with Patton’s choice and hurt Thomas, yet Patton had convinced him that it was either his way or the wrong way, no compromises available.

So by the time Patton reveals his name Virgil really dislikes him and makes a snarky remark in which Patton replies with a jab at how he didn’t realise being Thomas’ protector meant that you could be as evil as you wanted with none of the consequences. Virgil’s equivalent line to Roman’s hero one could be something like “Don’t you trust me?” or “I thought I was your best friend?” - then again Roman’s hero line does work with this version of Virgil.

Janus:

This was one of the easiest traits to decide: with a lot of his more manipulative and deceitful traits being distributed between Patton and Roman, Janus is officially titled “Self-Preservation”, and while he doesn’t claim the father role like Patton does, he is still very much seen as a parental figure and guiding light for Thomas and the lights. He tries to be warm and welcoming to the Light sides (part of his role is to take care of Thomas, hence taking care of the parts that make Thomas), and they naturally gather around him as he gives off a safe aura.

However he is not quite as kind to the Darks - he still has the role of managing what truths Thomas can handle, so he controls which sides stay hidden from him. The darks being revealed tends to be down to him slipping up or the side finding a way around his defences more than by him deciding Thomas is ready to meet them, and each time it happens he beats himself up over it and tries to work harder to not let it happen again. The problem he doesn’t realise is that the slip ups tend to happen in the first place due to him overworking himself to make the others / Thomas happy - he doesn’t quite perform the self-care he preaches about.

I’m still not quite sure where I want to go with Janus’ outfit: the initial thought was to put him in a more Patton inspired attire, however this is still Janus, and he is still a theatrical boi. I ended up settling for a mainly cottage-core aesthetic with a flowy long sleeve yellow shirt made out of a light fabric, brown trousers and an overly large sunhat. He also drapes himself in bright patterned shawls and wraps (still predominantly yellow in colour) as while he doesn’t look as snake-like as he canonically does he still has certain snake traits, such as a weakness to the cold and a yellow tint to his left eye.

However snake features do begin to form later on into the AU as Thomas’ views on Lights and Darks alter over time: he begins to realise that despite how it appears Janus is not always in the right, such as how if it hadn’t been for mistakes Thomas would never have met the Darks and learnt to grow as a person - in fact if Self-Preservation got the say in everything he would likely do little growing whatsoever. He and in turn the other Lights begin to find Janus too stifling until SvSR happens where under the stress Janus becomes a true snake boi. The scales and proper snake eye don’t fade afterwards due to Thomas’ subconscious change in perspective, and while it is a big new insecurity at first over time Janus learns to accept these new changes to himself and the Mindscape, and begins adding a touch of darker mystical aesthetic to his look (slightly fantasy fortune teller based) to match his new look better - although cottage-core remains his go to!!

Extra note: In this AU Janus is definitely the side that would most likely be seen going around the Mindscape in a dress (Roman would also wear dresses on occasion but mainly only within his daydreams in the Imagination); he is all about taking care of yourself, and that includes wearing what makes you happy! Though I’m still kind of tempted to put him in a dress full time...

Extra extra note: while Janus is very much the “adult figure” in the Light Mindscape, he still has his goofy moments like in canon - in general he is more relaxed and jokey with the others...though he’s still a sarcastic shet.

(I struggled finding images that matched at all with the ideas in my head, so take these as very vague links to the actual design)

Remus:

Oh boy, Remus is a fun one...

So now that Roman is the twin known by a different title (like how canon Remus is referred to as “Intrusive Thoughts”), Remus now has claim to the Creativity role!! However Remus isn’t going to do a 180 personality wise - he’s still going to be a chaotic gremlin, just with a light side twist.

His design is purposely all over the place: his aesthetic is mainly pirate based with a long sleeve pirate shirt, loose black trousers and heeled black and silver pirate boots, alongside a dark green pirate jacket and slightly brighter bandana. However he has other seemingly random elements thrown in there, such as a white and green hero cape (fuck what Edna says) coming off the back of the coat, and random colourful potions in the green belt under his coat alongside a knight’s sword. This mismatched look is due to the type of imagination Remus provides: while he still represents and creates intrusive thoughts, he also creates adventure stories and life goals/dreams for Thomas, hence takes a form that has mixed elements from Thomas’ self-inserts and protagonists for said stories. While he personally loves his messy design (do you know how much fun can be had with magic potions, swords, tentacles, and a day in the Imagination? Remus sure does), it does cause some arguments between him and Logan over how illogical him and his ideas are (like canon Roman and Logan).

Roman makes this Remus....uncomfortable. Not necessarily because of his ideas (those are just dull and vomit-worthy in his opinion), but because of how he can’t separate dreams and reality - while Remus loves coming up with Imaginative stories for Thomas and setting slightly outlandish goals for the future, he has a level of awareness that Roman lacks in how he knows Thomas won’t ACTUALLY end up being a morally grey pirate travelling the seas to claim back the magical pendant of octopus powers (unless...). He’s also uneasy with how easily Thomas can fall for Roman’s delusions of grandeur and romance, in fact it opens up quite a major insecurity on how despite being the “good” twin his brother seems to succeed more as the creative role, eg. how Thomas will come up with a dream future career path, husband and even car in a matter of seconds yet Remus has to slave and hone in on decent ideas for weeks to reach his own standard.

This leads to another thing about Remus: while he doesn’t care what others think of his ideas (the trait I mentioned earlier that Roman was jealous of) he hold a high standard to himself and gets extremely happy when he perfects an idea. Besides he still wants his ideas to actually be used by Thomas as them being dismissed for not being good enough does hurt (a bit like how Remus got frustrated in the recent episode with how his “good” intrusive creations were being torn apart by Logan’s methods).

Extra note: The fact that Thomas doesn’t like or appreciate some of his darker ideas / intrusive thoughts doesn’t bother Remus too much as he tends to put less effort into them as he knows they won’t be liked - he just can’t help that they pop into his head and he has to get them out - repression is bad after all! However maybe there can be some episode drama about Remus wanting to be less stifled and have Thomas at least consider some of his more mature themes that he thinks would be good to expand upon.

Extra extra note: Just assuring the fact that Remus not caring what the others think about his work does not correlate with him not caring about the others. He loves his fellow Light Sides and Thomas - he’s just confident in his own craft and while appreciates advice and improvements from the others (he and Logan have a field day on creating biologically accurate gore together) he also is aware that HE is Creativity, and he understands his craft better than the others.

Extra extra EXTRA note: Wasn’t really sure how to put it in there but Remus still represents Thomas’ lust. Do with that what you want.

Thomas:

So all these changes to the sides....of course it has it’s effects on character!Thomas! However I’m getting REALLY tired now so this will be done in bullet points:

Not as Disney-centric as canon/real Thomas.

Has less issues with Anxiety, and more issues dealing with Depression

His morals start off a bit more flexible than canon due to always having we-live-in-a-society Janus as his guide

Still has intrusive thoughts, but not as debilitating with the lower levels of anxiety and the much better relationship with Remus.

Still overworks himself trying to help others (nice one Patton!)

Might have a different career due to Roman being more out the frame - maybe goes into writing instead with Remus’ more diverse form of creativity.

Does explore more diverse creative ideas and darker themes, but still out of habit sometimes puts down possibly good ideas as on surface level they appear too morally wrong.

However could possibly be in a non-creative career, and his major longing for a new career path could be what allows Roman through for the first time.

Less dad jokes but still incredibly goofy with both Remus and Janus being more present.

I think I’m going to wrap up there for now! I may make some art for this at some point, but I also want other’s opinions and ideas for this AU.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading!!

[casualotptrash]

Fixes to the Persona Series

Oh boy I hope you all are ready to talk about this for the hundredth time!

My recent tirade about the FES vs Portable discussion started to make me think about what I think could be done in the next coming installments of the series to make it either feel a bit more fresh or just as an overall improvement. Now, I know many of the things I’m about to say have been said time and time again, but...this is my post so I’m going to give my opinion on this :)

Enjoy and feel free to vent with me about your biggest gripes with the series, because I’m always ready for a salt-fest.

(This post will pretty much have any spoilers about Persona 3, 4, and 5 (including Royal) so beware if you haven’t finished those)

To clarify right off the bat, anything I don’t mention in here as something I would fix I either don’t think it is a problem or I just happened to forget it.

1. Player Gender Options

(Royal Spoilers)

Starting off with a great one, I think that an improvement to the series would be to allow an option between a male and a female MC. I don’t think this choice would affect the story in Persona 3 or 4 very much (and we’ve seen that with Persona 3), but I have imagined and seen so many fanfics about how it would actually be a really interesting twist for Persona 5. For most of the story it probably wouldn’t matter too much, but it could impact the first palace so much. The first palace/story arc is already one of the best arcs in the game, so imagine if the player could relate to Ann and Shiho on an even deeper level? To be clear, I’m not saying the player has to be sexually assaulted or something, but I imagine Kamoshida would at least treat the player more like Ann rather than just a delinquent nuisance.

Also, and this just came to mind, but picture this: in the third semester Maruki actualizes things that he thinks will make others happy. Obviously, Joker and Akechi are against this. In the game itself there are a lot of clues to point that Joker does care about Akechi, and does want to see him again, but in the end they both agree that they need to fight for the real world that they worked for, not for a fake reality. If Joker was a female, they could still go the route of doing this (especially if romancing Akechi was an option? Or they just hint at them having feelings but Akechi doesn’t want to commit because he’s a self-loathing boi who needs to work on himself first).

Alternatively...what about a badass narrative of a girl, in a powerful position as the leader of the Phantom Thieves, fighting against a man who believes he knows what’s best for her and tries to appease her by just bringing back Akechi? Kinda like a “Yeah fuck what you did, you just need Akechi/a man and he’ll make you happy” type of thing. Obviously this would all be subtle, because I do think Maruki has good intentions, but he also blames himself for all of the hard things Rumi has gone through and may internalize that as women needing a “strong man” to protect them. Of course this might seem too preachy for people, but I thought it was an interesting idea to run with and that some people could relate to the whole “Woman trying to think and do things for themselves? Nah just sit in your little fake world and be happy, thanks.”

(Sidenote, Sae would be such a good role model...after her change of heart of course. You crush it girl.)

However, I do understand that this could be a lot of extra work, especially when the game is so long and tedious. That’s why I would also be fine with the strategy of “switching off” per say. By that I mean if Persona 5 has a male MC, then Persona 6 would have a female MC, and if a 7th game was made (in 2040 or whatever) then it could go back to a male. This would eliminate the issue of having to record all the voice lines twice or any other extra work that would come with having to make both genders an option. Honestly I know this option doesn’t matter too much to people, they just want an MC who is either a self-insert or actually a character (more on that later), but I do think it would be a very nice inclusion especially for the female fans of the game. It kind of sucks that three of the most popular games in the series all have male protags, and the female protag who was introduced often gets shafted for very dumb reasons. (Oh no, you have the option to romance a kid that most people don’t even choose or like, that means she’s a p*do! :I I know this comment is normally a joke but seriously it’s not funny).

2. Setting of the game (not transfer but also maybe involve the other games?)

(Spoilers for the Arena games and Persona 5/Royal)

So there are two main points to this suggestion: where the game takes place and how it relates to the other games.

As we all know, the three latest entries in the mainline Persona series have all followed a certain trend. They are all high schoolers, who transfer to a town, and know basically no one there. This formula has been repeated for the last three games, and while they are still great games, I think this trend needs to change. Any amount of switching this up would be better than nothing in my opinion. For example, the MC could be a new college student who goes to a new place for college (if they wanted the MC to move somewhere), and there meets the party members who are a mix of people who also don’t know the area (new to the college) and those who do know the area/some people there. This would appease people who have been really wanting an MC to not be a high schooler, while also giving the feel of meeting new people and seeing a new place.

On the other hand, the next game could take place in the MC’s home town, where plot stuff happens and they connect more to the people they already knew (aka party members) to solve the plot stuff. They could be in high school or college, either I think would work, but it would appease people who don’t just want to be a transfer student each time and also have some connection to the characters prior to the game. However, this would be difficult to do given the current “flow” that the games have, that is that the MC doesn’t know anything and has to ask a million questions. It would be very strange to go up to someone you have known most of your life and ask them a basic question, which is why that style of storytelling(?) would not fit well with this and other methods would need to be used.

Now, for the second point, I understand that they don’t make strong connections to the other games because they want each game to be able to be played as a stand-alone, and not to hold people back by forcing them to play the other games to understand this. Makes sense, but usually what happens is that people play one game in the series and then try another game, if they really like the one they started with. After playing through the ones they want to, and if they like them, then there is an appreciation for the series as a whole. Of course Atlus sneaks in little references here and there, like having the P4 gang go to Iwatodai or some TV news announcements on P5 that allude to Adachi and other characters, but those cant always cut it. One of the biggest letdowns I would come to know is the fact that the Shadow Operatives are not mentioned at all, outside of those small references, in P5.

Persona 5 literally has the PT’s broadcasting all of their heists, and includes major government officials like Shido. There are also the mental shutdowns/psychotic breakdowns, which also have people confused, along with how the PT’s steal hearts in the first place. I don’t know about you all, but this seems like the perfect opportunity to get the Shadow Operatives involved. This is like...literally what they were made for? Investigating persona/shadow activity and such, and we already know that the PT’s deeds reached at least Hawaii so it would be strange for the SO’s to have not heard anything. There are headcanons that they were blocked by Shido or something, which is pretty interesting to think about/develop, but it was only thought up to make an excuse for why they aren’t there. Persona 5 introduced a lot of people to the story, so yeah some people would probably be very confused about who the SO’s are and stuff, but it could payoff in the long run for long-time fans and those who play the other games after.

Depending on the story of P6, I don’t think it would be a bad idea to start including casts from the other games into newer ones...especially when each game introduces 8-9 new characters per game, and those games usually get made into spin-offs that include the characters made in the previous games! Counting only the characters introduced in the previous games (3-5), Persona Q2 has 33 characters (11 P3, 10 P5, 10 P4, and 2 P3P, this includes the velvet room assistants for each respective game). That’s a ton! Sure, having new characters each time is part of the fun, but I believe there is definitely a way to split them up. I don’t think it would be too much of an issue to have a smaller party member group (you can only have 4 fight at a time anyway), that way there is still the enjoyment of seeing new characters, while also filling up some of those spots with preexisting ones.

3. Characterization

This kind of piggybacks off of the second point, but personally I think they need to stop with the self-insert protags. First, like I mentioned earlier, it kind of messes up the “flow” of the game since they have to pretend that the character doesn’t know anything because the player doesn’t know anything (yet). For example, how many times did the option to say “Probation?” or “Expelled?” or something like that come up as a dialogue choice in P5? Too often, in my opinion. I assume anyone over the age of 15 would probably know what those things mean, but in case anyone doesn’t they have to make it an option to say.

Adding onto this, it also seems like people start to like the characters a whole lot more when spinoffs or movies/animations come out that really expand on the character, because in those games/mediums the player is taken out of the self-insert role. I would say out of the three games, the Persona 3 protags have the most characterization in game through their dialogue. I haven’t watched the movies, but I heard it fleshes the MC out a lot more. In Persona 4...well, I see what they’re going for but I also feel like Yu has the personality of a cardboard box. The animations definitely helped out this one, as did Arena, and I’ve seen other people agree that they liked Yu a lot more after playing/watching those things.

As for Persona 5, I think they tried to give Joker some characterization (and oddly enough “Joker” has a lot more to him than Akira/Ren, but he still fell more on the side of self-insert. P5 the animation is...of questionable quality, but I think Xander did a good job in the Dub (which is the one I watched) in trying to make him feel more like a human being. I haven’t played Strikers, but I assume it goes more on the route of P5 because you’re still controlling Joker. Oddly enough, I feel like the dancing game gave him the most characterization? Call me crazy, but his dance moves and voice lines just ooze of his suave, friendly, and supportive attitude. I wish that they took whatever those voice lines embodied and just put them into the game, because I would like Joker a lot more than I already do (which, to be clear, I do still like him a lot).

Although this doesn’t have much to do with the characterization, it would also be nice if Atlus could just put the “canon name” in the game while also still having the option to choose your own name. Again, this might add a little more work but maybe if someone chose the “canon” option then their name could be spoken in voice lines, but if they don’t then the names would be left out (except for text) like usual. Honestly this is mostly up to personal preference because I like some of the “not canon” names more so I would want to use those if I could, but I also don’t like having the characters just randomly cut off in the end of sentences when they’re saying your name. Just kind of breaks immersion, which is probably why I really like Joker because at least they say “Joker” quite a bit.

(Little rant, but why do the PT’s get like two group names? At first Morgana defaults to “The Phantom Thieves of Hearts” but then when you get to choose the name of your team, that name is what shows up instead. However, everyone still calls you the “Phantom Thieves” and the gang refers to themselves as that too! I get naming the group is kind of cool, but I would have preferred if they were just called The Phantom Thieves (of Hearts) and that way their name could be spoken in dialogue too.)

4. Choices matter...please? (romance and regular dialogue)

This might be easy or difficult to implement, I’m not so sure because I’m not a game developer, but I really wish choices mattered more in this game. I feel like most of these suggestions (especially later on down the list) are just little things that could be added to the game that would really amp it up, and this is one of them.

When I talk about choices mattering, I do not mean that dialogue should be so open that there are branching paths and that your choices affect the story. What I mean is that you could choose two different options and not get the same exact answer. I get that this isn’t always the case, but when it is it feels very strange. In this same vein of things, please stop with the illusion of choice because everyone sees right through it. I didn’t really see this as much in P3, and I still need to finish P4, but it was definitely apparent with P5. I felt that so many times in the game there were two options that were just “Option A” or “Synonym for Option A” as the choices.

Along the same lines, I think it would be great if romance choices were actually acknowledged. Again, there is a little of this in P3 and P4 where some party members comment on your relation to the other party members (Ex. Junpei saying to take care of Fuuka if you date, Yukari stating that Akihiko probably wouldn’t want FeMC going on a group date if they’re dating, and Yosuke coming to assumptions about who Yu spends the summer festival with), but they are very few and far between. I also saw no evidence of this at all in P5, which was pretty disappointing. In fact, in Persona 5 Royal if you are dating Ann and go on the Christmas Date with her, she makes some comment about not wanting the others to find out about them. Like...girl, considering someone can finish Ann’s social link as early as June or so on NG+ I’m pretty sure your friend group would notice if you’ve been dating for 6 months?? I know that romance is definitely not the focus of the game, but if you’re going to include it why is it shoved into the farthest corner and never touched?

Don’t get me wrong, it is cute to see the romances in the game play out and such, but on the same hand I can see how much better it could be. In reality it kind of sucks to romance someone in the Persona games because no one acknowledges it, and you only get like 3-4 small scenes in each game to spend with them (beach in P5, festival in all, Christmas in all, valentines except for 3, White Day in P5R). Just imagine if you could take a walk in Kyoto with whoever you romanced, or were able to take your partner to the Jazz Jin in P5R and they would get like special date dialogue or something? Very very small additions, but it would go a long way in making the romances feel a bit more connected.

5. LGBT Romances

I went into this in some detail in Part 3 of my FES vs Portable debate post, so I to save your eyes from reading more I’ll just quickly say that Atlus definitely needs to add in more LGBT romance options because it’s ridiculous at this point. The fact that you can’t romance any guy (because all of the MC’s are male, this is not including the FeMC stuff because that’s not typical in the Persona series) but can have a whole harem (despite what they may do to you) is just ridiculous. They’d rather let you date a fully-fledged adult than someone of the same gender.

Also they’re cowards for scrapping the Yosuke romance and that’s that :)

6. Fixing Social Links

Link to the stand-alone post about this section.

I literally was going to include this in this post, but this section alone (which I knew was going to be the biggest) was almost as large (a few hundred words off) than everything prior to this point put together. I’ll make a separate post with just this section soon, but this criticism of mine can basically be boiled down into the fact that the main growth of a character should happen outside of their social link in order to avoid tonal whiplash in the story, and that this will fix the problem of some characters feeling “one-note” if you do not do their social links/confidants. Essentially, go back to the P3 method.

However, something that needs to be fixed for all of the games is that you shouldn’t only get social link points for saying what the person wants to hear. I get the train of thought that if you say what they want to hear they will like you more, but that’s not how real friendships work? Obviously you shouldn’t be saying something that offends them and think it will raise your points, but sometimes people just need to hear things?

I can think of three standout examples: Nozomi in P3 (Gourmet King), Mishima in P5, and Shinya in P5. Nozomi’s link is a hot mess in of itself, but it was very frustrating to at one point just be like “Hey can you chill?” when he’s trying to induct you into a scam/cult or whatever, and it reverses the social link. Like ok buddy fuck you too, I was just trying to say no and that you need to stop scamming people?? For Mishima in P5 (I’ll go more in depth on him in a later post), it’s just kind of strange that you can clearly see him starting to obsess about the PT’s but you can’t really tell him he needs to stop until the social link demands it. Even then, the only way to get points is pretty much to go “Wow Mishima, you’re the best! You’re the reason we exist! We love you!!!” and it just feels kind of wrong. Shinya’s is very much along the same line as that, except you basically have to do something even worse and encourage him to keep being a bully? Thankfully P5 doesn’t reverse confidants, but I probably would have done so with Shinya because I kept telling him he shouldn’t bully others until I realized how to get points with him. It just feels wrong to encourage such behavior until the character suddenly realizes they’ve been acting wrong. No shit, I’ve been trying to say that.

I think social links need quite the fix to them, but this is definitely one of them. Strong, real relationships are not just built upon telling the other person what they want to hear.

7. Have Characters Hang Out

This is mostly a suggestion based off of P5′s downfall in this aspect. I think that P3 and P4 did a good job at showing the characters hang out in other aspects, or hang out separately outside of the MC. P4 had a lot of good group hangouts, but not many scenes without the MC. P3 had the opposite where members kind of hung out together a bit, but also showed or mentioned them hanging out without the MC. However, P5 didn’t have much for the group hangouts and also I can’t really recall a single scene of the party members hanging out outside of the MC.

Along with all of the problems I mentioned earlier with the cardboard cut-out personalities, I feel that this contributed to P5′s group feeling a bit less cohesive. Obviously when they all hung out they acted like a real group of friends, but it’s hard to see it as legitimate when 95% of their hangouts are just meetings for the Phantom Thief stuff. The only times they hang out outside of the PT stuff is the TV station, the fireworks festival, helping Futaba + the beach trip, and the culture festival. Like I said, I can’t recall them hanging out together outside of being with the MC/PT business, although I could have missed some stray text message if one was mentioned.

In this aspect, P5 feels like a small step down from P3 and a huge step down from P4. I think some of the events in P4 are a bit unnecessarily long, but at least they go through the effort of showing that the group is also a real friend group, not just people trying to solve the murder. Strikers may be a step up from P5, but I haven’t played it yet so I can’t judge that.

Also bring back school trips to prior locations of Persona games. Imagine P5 group going to Inaba and it turns out this is the small country town that Joker came from? And they sprinkle in references to P4? *chefs kiss*.

8. Remove/Change Certain Tropes

(Spoilers for the babe hunts, stupid ass hot springs scenes, and Ryuji abuse after certain palace)

By that spoiler tag, you can probably tell that this is the category I’m most passionate about. I can deal with social links feeling a bit disconnected. I can deal with the MC being a self-insert. What I cant deal with anymore? These. Dumb. Ass. Scenes.

Let me explain (insert Sojiro voice here)

Every game has three main tropes. One, the babe hunt scenes. Two, the hot springs scenes. Three, one character being dunked on by everyone else. I’ll go through each, scream about my feelings about them, and why they need to change.

First, the babe hunt scenes. I don’t have much of a problem with this trope to be honest, I just think it could be done better in some games. I actually think the one in P3 was quite funny, because the group treated it like an “operation” which added a bit to humor. Truth be told, I was just a bit disappointed in P3P FeMC route when you didn’t have your own version of the “babe hunt” thing. I know Yukari and Mitsuru aren’t the types to go hunt for boys, but perhaps the MC could have suggested it as a fun idea. In P4, this scene happens in Okina and largely remains the same as the P3 formula, but I think it lacks just a bit of the humor that the P3 one had. Lastly, in P5 this scene happens during the beach trip but compared to the others it’s pretty...lackluster?

It shows a montage of Joker, Ryuji, and Yusuke talking to girls but no actual dialogue goes on. After talking to three or so, Yusuke disappears and this is when Joker and Ryuji meet the two “flamboyant” men again. This time, the men either chase them down or call after them (?) depending on if you’re playing Vanilla or Royal. I don’t like how they use these men in the first place, but on top of that it kind of takes the “babe hunt” out of “babe hunt” if you don’t actually...hunt for babes? Like no actual dialogue is spoken when trying to convince the girls, which was most of the fun in the other scenes. You don’t even have free reign to walk around at the beach, and the scene is formatted in a more cutscene type of way.  It just makes P5′s babe hunt fall flat in many ways, and overall I finished the scene with a strong “meh.” The only good things about this was watching Makoto and Ann defend themselves and Yusuke with the lobsters.

Now for the hot springs scenes....hoo boy.

Simply put, in my opinion, these scenes suck ass in almost all of the games. P3 is the least egregious in my opinion, for a couple reasons. First is that it shows that Junpei and Ryoji were kind of trying to peep on the girls, and Akihiko and MC were just dragged into it. They have some funny dialogue, and in FES and Portable they even included the option to try and evade the girls. I found the little evade minigame to be really fun, even though every time I can’t help but fail because I want to say “It was a cat!” I find it interesting that there is the option for the men to get off scott-free, and that their dialogue after the trip is over changes slightly because of this.

On the FeMC side, I also find it fun that you have the reverse of the minigame and actually seek out the boys. My only letdown with this entire scene is if the boys are caught. I get it, it’s supposed to be funny with Mitsuru executing them and such, but as a reasonable person with a brain it seems really dumb to me that Mitsuru would just punish all of them when it’s just Ryoji and Junpei’s fault? This is nothing against Mitsuru, but her actions just seem so...exaggerated for some reason? Like Mitsuru is usually smart, and even if she is embarrassed I don’t get why she would punish innocent party members. A huge disappointment for me was that the FeMC isn’t able to stop Mitsuru from doing this either. Not even a choice to try and encourage Mitsuru or discourage her (so both options would be available). You just kinda sit there and watch, even after Akihiko say “It was a misunderstanding!” or something. For me it was especially strange because MC was dating Akihiko at that point, so why wouldn’t I try to hear him out? Just struck me as kind of dumb.

If I thought that was dumb, P4 and P5 were out to really make me roll my eyes and sigh in disappointment. Unlike P3, which has most of the scene being pretty good besides the very end where Mitsuru punishes the boys, the P4 and P5 scenes are all bad. This is not the first time anyone has said it, and won’t be the last, but they aren’t funny scenes in the slightest.

In P4, it’s actually the girl’s fault that they’re in the hot springs when the boys walk in. They stayed over their allotted time and into the time when boys are supposed to be in there. So what do they do? Get flustered, yell at them, and throw buckets at the group. Oh, and they don’t listen to the boy’s protests at all. Really.

Who thought this was a good idea?? The girls even realize after that they were in the wrong, say they should apologize, but I don’t think they ever show a scene of them apologizing after. This whole scene, like the hot springs ones in general, are just exaggerated (ie. throwing masses of buckets) to be funny, but they really fail in my opinion. It just serves to make the player kinda angry (since they’re usually on the receiving end) and make the girls look wildly unrealistic and dumb. I have never really thought that needless physical abuse is funny, so these scenes are just the bane of my existence apparently.

There actually isn’t a hot springs scene in P5, but they did add one in Strikers.

If they wanted to still do these scenes, maybe they could switch from making it “just beat up the boys” into something else. For example, the girls could try to peep, or walk in on the boys. Equality y’all, sometimes girls can do those things too (but still don’t beat them up. Just don’t beat anyone up). If none of that happens, or maybe that’s how the scene ends, the rest of the scene could just be a chill, relaxing scene between those involved. Essentially, how the scenes go before the whole “lets beat up the boys” thing comes in.

Lastly, on basically the same vein as why I don’t like the hot springs scenes, I’m starting to get real sick of the “let’s shit on this one character” trope. In Persona 3, I don’t think it’s that bad because they kind of do it with Junpei but they also give him a lot of character development, and eventually the sort of hostile shitting on him turns into just gentle teasing.

For P4 I still don’t think it is too bad, because Yosuke is kind of the one being shit on but he also does the same to the other people in the group? I suppose the only thing that really sticks out to me is how Teddie abuses Yosuke’s wallet (making him buy/pay for a lot of stuff with his hard earned cash), but I also don’t like Teddie at all in the first place so I may be biased about him. Oh well, he still shouldn’t do those things and I don’t really find it funny but to each their own.

However...this problem walks and rocks the fucking runway in Persona 5. Namely, this happens with Ryuji. The most obvious aggressor in this is Morgana, because him and Ryuji butt heads so often, but the other thieves kind of do it as well. Obviously they don’t do this all the time, but it’s extremely frustrating when they do. Morgana getting into arguments with Ryuji at the drop of a hat get old very quick, and the other thieves poking a bit of fun about how dumb Ryuji can be is also not that riveting. Despite all of that, the scene that highlights all of this is the scene after Shido’s palace collapse.

You all knew this was coming, but I couldn’t resist talking about it. The scene is so tone deaf in so many ways that it takes away all of the emotional impact that they were trying to build. Even the first time I watched this scene, in which I didn’t think they would kill off Ryuji, I could still sympathize with the group being concerned about him. Then when he shows up they...just beat him up and leave him unconscious next to a pole while they walk away? Wow.

On all subsequent playthroughs I just skip this scene, but I truly cannot understand why that was the angle they went for. Were they trying to insert some humor right after an emotional scene? That can be done in certain cases, but....why??? It’s so unbelievable it’s almost laughable. It’s not even like the bath scene where the the girls think the guys are trying to peep on them. It’s simply because he survived which I assume is what they wanted!

“Oh no you made us thought you were dead (even though he didn’t because he couldn’t control any of this), we’re going to beat you up!” Now you just make the characters look like irrational idiots.

Seriously Atlus, stop doing this. In most cases it just serves to make the player kind of frustrated, and in this case it it literally takes all of the emotional weight out of the scene and makes me think worse of the entire female cast. Please. Stop.

Well that’s the end of that. I don’t think I said anything too revolutionary, although my opinions about the social links and characterization might get me some flak. I just want the characters to be more than one personality trait... This was a really long post again, so kudos to whoever made it to this point!

Next time, on Dragon Ball Z Casual’s pointless posts: something Persona related :)

[junk-and-clutter]

Baldor Kingsman:  slumped at Gryffindor's table with a tired sigh. He was glad to be done with classes, and now had to play the waiting game of Gretchen getting out of her classes. While he waited, he decided it was best to use the time wisely. He reached deep into his Extended backpack and pulled out a newspaper and a couple of pamphlets. Housing and flats. Flats. It was a little funny what they called apartments, but Americans and English people had different words for a lot of things, didn't make it wrong. He had to take the time to calculate the currency ratio, but even still, he was a little hard pressed to figure out what kind of work he could get here overseas that would support even the simplest of flats. Not as bad as America, but still. He swapped over to the Daily Prophet and skimmed through the listings. Maybe he'd have better luck on the magical side of society? Compared to most, when it came to Galleons and such, Baldor was broke as a joke, but at least he was more confident in finding work than trying to earn a keep among No-Majs.

Niveous Hexe: Niveous had told herself she was overthinking things -- life changes. && as unphased as she may look, as much as she's worked on perfecting the unbothered expressionless look currently settling on her face, she can't quite slip the lie by her own mind. It didn't help she could hear the dramatic flutters of papers like if he shuffled them enough they'll find what they're looking for. She wasn't sure what was louder : the thoughts in her head or the never-ending rustling of papers. She even questioned why does it even matter that it bothered her that much? Was giving up an option? It started to feel like one as she'd slump herself over faceplanting into the Gryffindor table. "I hope what your looking for is worth it."

Baldor Kingsman:  heard the thump of something hitting the table and glanced over at Hexe. "I mean, I sure hope it is Niv." He said, looking back at the newspaper. "Hey, you got any clue how much rooms over yonder at Hogsmeade run? Can't be too much, yea?"

Niveous Hexe:  Oh darn. She forgot to send in her Hogsmeade real-estate papers! She seemed to look straight into the wood. Either she must have looked like one if he asked that question or he was being serious right now. Giving out a sigh. "I'm sorry I'm not much help in that department of questions." She said as neutral as possible not wanting to sound rude. ". . there might be spaces people rent out that can't be to much. Perhaps." She didn't try to pry, but she was curious. She could feel the thoughts run through her head on the why would he need to know that particular question.

Baldor Kingsman:  nodded a little, taking a pencil and circling a listing a couple of times. "Yea, that's true. Don't reckon it'd be that bad." He mumbled distractedly, circling another.

Niveous Hexe: just now Niveous had some hesitation. Her brows furrowed. She'd shift upwards as her arms outstretched against the table. "You'll find it in time when you least expect it so don't stress too hard," Niveous tried to be encouraging. Knowing full well he was really hunting. The pencil marks on the newspaper were pretty evident but life always had a strange way of working out. "Another alternative is work and lodge places."

Baldor Kingsman:  nodded a little. "Yea, probably gonna be my best bet, huh?" He replied, sighing after a moment and rubbed his face. "Got dayum, I'm so tired..." He groaned. It was the weather. Rain rolled in and all Baldor wanted to do was crawl into bed or a comfy couch and just sleep the day away.

Niveous Hexe:  She wouldn't really know how to respond so she felt silence was better. She wasn't Baldor to know what he was searching for but if he needed a place to stay, then yes. If he was searching for something far more than those limits then that's something else entirely. Shifting from him to the window as her brown quartz orbs started at the window watching the rain in awe. She didn't even notice it was raining. Chuckling. Thinking about the way rain makes others sleepy. "It's a good day to be tired and for some of us take a little break?"

Baldor Kingsman:  He sighed a little. "Yea, maybe." He said, looking from his pile of research to the window as well. He couldn't help but feel a sense of...density. The air felt heavy. He had no clue what was going on, or that there was really anything actually going on to begin with. But still, he felt something on an instinctual level. A gut feeling. Or maybe he was just over thinking things and the weather was getting to him. "Maybe." He said again, then suddenly stood and stretched. "I'm gonna go get soaked." He said randomly, an adventurous grin growing on his face.

Niveous Hexe:  Niveous tried not to think too much. Sometimes getting stuck in one headspace is the worse battle. But what she found rather peculiar about him was one second he was tired the next he was energetic. She wondered if he was going to reverse himself the moment he stepped outside? Was the hype of seeing the rain revert back to tiredness? Boys were quirky, but they probably felt the same way about girls. "You say maybe a lot. Have a nice soak but just avoid the mud."

Baldor Kingsman:  grinned a little more. "Maybe." He mused, packing his things away and shouldering his bag. "It'll wake me up, that's for sure. Help me take my mind of some things, ya know?" He said, giving her a friendly wave before walking off.

Niveous Hexe:  She'd lowly hum. Amused. Knowing he did that on purpose but she wondered how many times he says maybe in a day accidentally. But that thought left her as easily as desiring a tray of brownies but a little too comfortable in the silence and watching the rain hit the window. "Good luck," she said in a mix of hoping he found what he was searching for outside and in flats all wrapped up in goodbye. She avoided the word as much as she could. But a tray of brownies sounded so. . . good right now. Eh. She didn't need them. Save it for another rainy day.

End.

[jebazzled]

SOOO the Drama: Making it Work with Tragic Backstories

Hi everyone, how are we doing? It’s been a while since my last unsolicited tutorial. Is everyone eating well? Is everyone drinking water? Dressing warmly if it’s cold wherever you live? 

Today we’ll be talking about tragic backstories, and how to use them rather than abuse them. 

This tutorial will mention a number of triggers, though not with great detail - more in the interest of providing context. 

Specific triggers mentioned: abandonment, verbal abuse, child neglect, car accident, transphobia, animal death, cheating, bullying, parental death

In the rp community we often joke about loving to put our characters through hell - about really running them ragged - making ourselves weepy. For a lot of us, writing Heavy Emotional Content is a lot more fun than fluff, or characters who are happy, fulfilled, and well-adjusted. I’m literally planning to kill off one of my characters in the next couple of weeks. I get it. 

But there’s also a fair amount of discourse in the rp community about what is pejoratively called “trauma porn.” It’s discourse that is warranted! Because while we love fictional drama, the truth is that sometimes...

well, sometimes it can be too much, can’t it? 

Here’s the thing about trauma: a tragic backstory does not a well-developed character make. Too often, too many of us lean on these traumatic histories as a crutch towards building a character, without meaningfully exploring that trauma with any depth. The truth is, in fiction, tragedy only builds character when when you do. And tragedy is far from the only way to create a nuanced character. 

In this tutorial, we will examine common approaches to character backstories, alternatives to tragedy-as-a-default, and figure out how to have your cake (the feels) and eat it too (with purpose.)

BUILD-A-BACKSTORY

In my experience, the most common approach to writing a freestyle application is writing a chronological history (you can read my app guides, including thots on alternative styles of freestyle, here). Ain’t nothing wrong with that! If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! 

It’s an approach that makes sense, as it forces you to fill in the blanks to answer the question: why is my character Like That? And often, as writers, our first instinct is to provide the saddest answer possible.

“Why is Susie so clingy?” 

Her parents abandoned her at a fire station when she was an infant, and rather than being raised in foster care, she grew up at the fire station. But the entire company that raised her died while fighting a wildfire, and she is certain that any time anyone walks away from her, they will never come back. 

“Why is Brent such a misogynist?” 

His mother never wanted him and told him so every day of his youth. When he hit puberty, she stopped speaking to him entirely, and the day he turned eighteen, she changed the locks while he was at school. 

“Why is Lichen such a high-achieving go-getter?” 

Lichen was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning they break their legs, and every afternoon they break their arms. At night, they lie awake in agony until their heart attacks put them to sleep.

Feels like a lot, doesn’t it? I may have done a little exaggeration, but - not a lot, frankly. 

Especially if other characters on a site are loaded with tragic histories, it can be hard not to equate a certificate from the school of hard knocks with a Pulitzer. You want something juicy to write about, yes? And this is all so juicy! 

But here’s the rub: often, these histories will never come up again outside of an application, or will not be practically dev’d out beyond shock value. Susie will never be reminded of Frank, the fireman who taught her to ride a bike. Brent will focus his sexist comments on objectifying women’s bodies rather than degrading their personalities and motives, which were the issues with his mother. Someone who didn’t read Lichen’s app would have no clue that they have had a total horror show of a life. 

If you are writing a tragic backstory that doesn’t have a continual impact on your character, you are writing trauma porn, and it is doing nothing for your character. 

This doesn’t mean that your characters should be fully and constantly occupied with memories of their trauma - in fact, constant introspection is an easy way to stall threads (per my “why aren’t people writing with me?” guide here) - but it does mean that if your answer to the question, “why is my character Like That” is a compelling one, it is one that a reader should be able to answer even if they haven’t read your app, if they’ve read a few of your threads or other writing. 

This is a careful balance, of course, but think of your characters the way you think of yourself! For example: probably the most Potentially Dramatic thing about my personal life is that my older sister is developmentally disabled, and I am one of her legal guardians. When my parents die, I will inherit my older sister, and will uproot my life from wherever I am living at the time to move back to my hometown and make sure she is taken care of and happy. This is not something that I constantly think about, but it is difficult to know me for any meaningful length of time and not be aware that I have a developmentally disabled sister, as I mention her in passing, think about her when her favorite music comes up on Spotify, and tell people to donate to her favorite charity, Special Olympics. 

If I were writing an app of myself as a character and spent a good portion of the app untangling my relationship with my sister, and then never mentioned her in any of my thread posts, then is she really important to my character? Or was I flexing her for depth?

Do you see what I am getting at here? If it matters, it will come up more than once. If it only comes up once, and it’s in your app, you should think of something to explain your character’s personality and motivations that is perhas a little less loaded. 

BUT WITHOUT THE SADS, HOW DO?

The good news is: you absolutely do not need a tragic backstory to write a nuanced character! Again - think of your characters the way you think of yourself, or of other real people. While everyone has gone through heavy things in their lives from time to time, chances are that your life does not resemble that of a soap opera protagonist. And aren’t you a multifaceted person, full of depth and life? Aren’t you someone whose story is worth telling, even if it feels like your life is pretty ordinary? 

After all, it’s not the past that makes a character - it’s the present, their current voice, actions, and missteps. That is where you want the real juice to be, because that is the shit you’re writing! 

Some potential “everyday histories” for our above cast of characters:

“Why is Susie so clingy?”

In elementary and middle school, Susie was bullied on and off - a few weeks spent hanging out with the in-crowd, followed by a month as a social pariah. She could never understand why. When she moved to a different state for high school, she attached herself like a barnacle to the clique the Tulips, and has made it her goal not to let herself get shaken back to the outskirts this time. 

This isn’t as dramatic as Susie’s earlier backstory - in fact, it could apply to any number of people, being passed between friend groups for years on end. But again: your character doesn’t need a one-of-a-kind daytime talk show-worthy backstory to have a unique and compelling history and voice! 

“Why is Brent such a misogynist?”

Brent’s mother never wanted children, and made it pretty clear to him throughout his youth. His father, though, as always there for him - including when his mother walked out and never came back, after cheating on Mr. Brent’s Dad for years. From then on, Brent and his dad only had each other - and their bitterness towards the woman who wronged them.

This still gives you some family drama - unloving mother, and some adultery - but having Brent be raised by someone who has their own beef with women eliminates the shock value of locking your son out merely for being a boy. Also, this take acknowledges misogyny as a learned behavior.

“Why is Lichen such a high-achieving go-getter?”

When their parents divorced, Lichen only came out to their mother as nonbinary, and presents a fully different persona when they are with their father. Being in the top 5% of their high school class and being a national champion Lincoln-Douglas debater is the only thing Lichen and (deadname) have in common. 

I acknowledge that Lichen’s previous story was a meme. The above story could be made much more intense (for example, if Lichen’s father were a member of the Westboro Baptist Church and then Lichen’s supportive mother dies in a freak accident and Lichen, unable to hide their true identity, is imprisoned in their father’s basement until they pretend to have seen the error of their ways and identify as cis again) but the above gives plenty to chew on! 

While drama and trauma can be satisfying to write, there is plenty of drama to be found in the everyday. Building a well-rounded character is much less about what happened to them and much more about what they are doing, thinking, and feeling now. 

That said, 

TIPS & TRICKS FOR WRITING TRAGIQUE CHARACTERS

Don’t go overboard. If it is not going to come up ever again after the app: leave it out. 

Impact is about the character, not the reader. If it was important enough to leave in the app, it should have an identifiable impact on your character. The main purpose cannot have been to shock the reader. 

It’s not meaningful JUST because it happened. If someone can follow your character’s story for any extended amount of time and not realize that, say, your character’s mother died in a boating accident, then it isn’t actually important that your character’s mother died in a boating accident, and you should let her live. 

If ALL of your characters have a heavily dramatic backstory, ALL of your heavily dramatic backstories lose their meaning. Dramatic backstories are fun but they should not be a constant: they will begin to feel cheap and lazy. 

Your character does not need to dwell on their tragic backstory! While a character should acknowledge their history, a character does not need to realize that their backstory is meant to be tragic. For example, Sally might have been raised by her Aunt Agatha after her parents disappeared in a hot air balloon when she was a baby. Rather than being sad about her missing parents, Sally might think of them as total strangers and of Agatha as her sole parental figure - and her sadness might be for Agatha, who does miss Mr. and Ms. Pumpernickel. 

And that’s literally all she wrote! I hope you find this helpful when you’re writing your characters - tragic or otherwise - and developing their plotlines. The world is not made of trauma and fluff alone, friends. Go forth and contain multitudes!

[raysofcrosby]

LITTLE DO YOU KNOW PT. 10

"𝘐'𝘮 𝘴𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘦𝘺𝘦𝘴 𝘸𝘪𝘥𝘦 𝘰𝘱𝘦𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘐 𝘨𝘰𝘵 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘤𝘬 𝘪𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥, 𝘸𝘰𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘧 𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘥𝘨𝘦𝘥 𝘢 𝘣𝘶𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘰𝘳 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦." ━  𝐙𝐚𝐲𝐧 𝐟𝐭. 𝐓𝐚𝐲𝐥𝐨𝐫 𝐒𝐰𝐢𝐟𝐭, 𝐈 𝐃𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐖𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐚 𝐋𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐅𝐨𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫

gif credit (x)

series masterlist

requested: yes | no

warnings: just angst tbh

word count: 5,850 [again of un proofread material sorry lmao]

authors note: [quick sidenote: if you want to make this sad af, then listen to heal by tom odell here bc that’s what i did when writing lmao.] omg yay part 10 finally! when this posts i’ll still be at work, but i’m so happy that i was able to get this out to you guys today! this series is coming to an end soon and honestly i’m sad about it bc idk what the hell i’m gonna do once it’s over lmao. for everyone who reblogs, likes and even reads this series– thank you from the bottom of my heart. i enjoy reading everyone’s tags and messages and it makes me happy and want to write even more when i see how much you guys enjoy the series. i hope this part is good enough bc part 11 is coming up and well...we’ll see what happens :)

Two days after the incident in the training room, finals week had wrapped up, Kennedy had already gone home to celebrate an early Christmas with her parents before joining you in Victoria, campus closed down and you had found yourself displaced. Originally, pre-Typocalypse...you were supposed to stay with Jamie and Katie, then all fly back together after the game tonight. But those plans had since changed since Jamie was obviously still not talking to you. Kennedy offered you to come and stay with her, but you were already stealing her for Christmas, you didn't want to intrude on the few days her and her parents got to spend together for the Holidays.  Before you could even think about booking a hotel for the next few days, Big Rig offered you his guest room and the two of you have been temporary roommates ever since.

It was a great set up, honestly. Since you were still obligated to be at team practices, the two of you drove there together and left afterward. He was like the big shield that protected you from Jamie's glares and Tyler's horrible attempts at trying to please Jamie by not looking at you. When they went on their Florida series, Dave offered you a chance to go since you were on break, but you turned it down and made a joke about how if you went to Florida you might not come back. Instead, you relaxed on Big Rig's couch, thought about going to see Tyler's dogs and switched between binging 'You' and 'Fuller House' on Netflix.

But today was the day that you would be handing John the paperwork for your internship that he needed to sign and handover. Just things saying that your timesheet was correct, signing off and typing up a letter about how you did. The practice before they left for Florida, actually the same day he had offered you a spot on the trip, was when you broke the news to him that you wouldn't finish out the season with them. Of course, he probably had some kind of inkling as to the reasons why. You always thought that girls were the worst when it came to gossip, but it turns out grown men are a lot worse. But he was kind and never asked for the specifics and respected your decision not to continue and just told you to give him the paperwork whenever you could and that he'd fill it out for you. He also commented on how good of a job you did and that if you ever changed your mind, they'd welcome you back without a second thought.

And that's what you told Katie when the two of you went out to an early dinner before heading to the arena for the game. But now, as the two of you were in your uber and headed towards the arena, the daunting task of having to actually hand over your paperwork weighed heavy on your heart. Katie had invited you along to dinner and you thought that it was probably her way of reaching out to you since your brother was failing to do so, but you didn't mind. You really liked Katie and she was like the other big sister you never had. To your surprise though, the two of you didn't talk much about what had happened between you, Tyler and Jamie. Instead, she focused on your senior year, where you were applying to jobs and how life in L.A. had been treating her.

But now you were itching to get her opinion on the matter, because if there was anyone besides you who was closer to Jamie in this city and had the insight of his thoughts– it was her. When the two of you stepped out of the Uber and made your way through security to get to the back hallway, you broke the silence on the matter.

"Did you know?" You blurted out as the two of you bypassed security. She turned to you with a generic expression. "Did you know before he...found out?"

"I mean, I kind of had a feeling something was going on," she replied, shrugging her shoulders. "Just even during the few times I was down here and we all went downtown. The two of you had never really been as close or hung out too often before and I just noticed all of the little things that boys are too oblivious to see."

"Yeah, maybe going out together was a bad idea. Maybe this whole damn thing was a bad idea," you sighed, clutching the manilla folder close to you.

"I don't think it was a bad idea, I just think that you and Tyler approached it wrong. You guys should've been a little more upfront and honest with Jamie. He still might have been angry, but it would have been a lot better than the alternative."

You nodded, accepting her cold truth as the two of you made your way through the parking garage and towards the hallway entrance. "Has he reached out to you yet?"

"Jamie or Tyler?"

"Both, I guess."

You shook your head, pushing back the pain that came with the thought of the two guys you cared for most, ignoring you. "Not even an in-person acknowledgment."

"I've been talking to them both, trying to get them to see the sense of it all. I told Jamie he needs to talk to you before this gets any worse...but you know how he is."

"Yeah, I do," you nodded, opening the door and stepping into the hallway. You looked down the right towards the training room and took a deep breath. "Well, I guess this is it."

"I can come with you if you want? Give you a little moral support?"

"Thanks, but I need to do this on my own," you took a deep breath and nodded, giving yourself a little encouragement. "I'll see you at home in a few hours?"

"Longest plane ride of our lives," she joked, hugging you before turning towards the elevator. "Oh, one more thing about you and Tyler!"

"Yeah?" You asked, giving her a hopeful, but sad look.

"It wasn't just the physical things I noticed, like the small touches." She shrugged her shoulders and gave you a small smile. "But it was just how different the two of you seemed. You were a lot happier and open and Tyler...he was a lot calmer and genuinely happy. I think the two of you are very good together."

You didn't know what to say, but instead gave her a thankful smile and watched her get into the elevator to head up to the upper level. It hurt your heart, to think about how your relationship had changed the two of you for the better and yet here you guys were– avoiding each other at all costs. You brushed those thoughts aside and walked down the hallway. You needed to give Dave your paperwork, but there was something else you needed to do first.

You knocked on to the locker room door, hearing a voice on the other side. You covered your eyes with one hand and pushed the door open, stepping into the room. "Is everyone in here decent?"

"It's just me and Dobby, Y/N," Klinger said, laughing. "So yes, open your eyes."

You uncovered your eyes to see the two men sitting in their respectful stalls. "Where's everyone else?"

"Training room, on the bench or playing footy," Dobby said, standing up. "You okay?"

You nodded, walking over towards Big Rig's stall and holding up your purse. "Big Rig just asked me to bring something for him, he forgot it at the apartment."

They nodded and Dobby walked out of the door, Klinger stopping while holding it open. "Do you think you can tape me today?"

You felt a crushing feeling inside of you because he had no clue that you weren't here to work...but instead to quit. "If no one's busy." You smiled, as he nodded in reply before leaving the locker room.

You took a deep breath and sighed before walking away from Big Rig's stall and over to Tyler's. You dug into your purse and pulled out his house key, which was attached to the  '#1 labrador mom' keychain he had given you, and placed it right in the middle of his stall. You've been meaning to give it back to him since everything crumbled, but you just haven't had the courage to face him since the day of he and Jamie's explosion. Plus, you were flying home to Victoria tonight and there would be no better time than the present to give him back the gift. Now, you had to do the one thing that you came here for– turn in your hour sheet, along with some other internship paperwork, to John. You had talked to him earlier in the week about deciding not to finish out the season, and you had to admit that you felt honored that he was upset that you were choosing not to continue. For the first time in a while, it made you feel like you had accomplished something here and that your work was appreciated. But the hardest part wasn't telling him that you were quitting, it was turning in your paperwork for him.

You stood outside of the training room door, contemplating whether or not to call Katie and tell her that you had changed your mind, that you'd love for her to walk into the room with you so you could walk right back out. But then you thought back on all of your conversations with Big Rig since Kennedy left and how, in her absence, he's been more than willing to lend an ear and even give you some advice and boost up your confidence. You closed your eyes and took a deep breath, exhaling and then opening your eyes again. "I can do this." You gave yourself a few more seconds before bringing your shoulders back, lifting your chin and pushing the door open, walking into the training room like you owned the place.

"Y/N!" Pavs cheered, throwing his fists into the air. "You're finally here! I've been waiting for you to come and tape my ankle for me, for like...ever!"

"Sorry for being late," you replied, looking immediately in John's direction to see him walking over to his desk. "I just need to–"

"And you're out of your uniform?" Dickinson scoffed, walking by you. "What are they teaching you at this fancy college?"

"Yeah Y/N, you're not on winter break yet. No, relax!" Rads chimed in as the rest of the guys just laughed.

You rolled your eyes at their chirping but kept the smile on your face because you were glad that things seemed to have rolled over when it came down to the tension whenever you, Tyler and Jamie were all in the same room. This was ringing true because the three of you were in the same room at this very moment. Tyler was sitting down by Big Rig, stealing a resistance band from him to work on his shoulder, while Jamie was lying on a table in front of John's desk, getting his hamstring scraped by Craig. Neither of them looked as tense as they had in the last week, but they still weren't paying any attention to you. Well, you thought they weren't until you caught Tyler looking away from you the moment you went to say something to Big Rig about his bands. He played it off, looking immediately to his right, probably not realizing he'd be staring at a blank wall– but you were over it all, so it didn't bother you one bit.

"Is this the paperwork we talked about?" Dave asked, finally sitting down at his chair and tossing a towel on his desk.

You walked forward with the manilla folder in hand and held it up, giving him a tight-lipped smile. "Yep, this is it. Sorry I couldn't get it to you sooner. It took a while to get together since Finals ended and everything is hectic."

You held it out to him and he grabbed it from you, placing it onto his desk and opening it, skimming through the pages and nodding. "Can I get this to you after you come back from break?"

"Absolutely. There's no need to rush," you looked off to see Big Rig giving you a supportive look. He was the only one in the room besides Dave, that knew just what those papers were for. "Just as long as it's before graduation."

"Y/N!" Miro said, rushing into the room and out of breath. "You're here! Please tape me, you're the only one who can."

"Looks like you're stuck with just Craig and me, Miro," Dave said, closing the folder and standing up from his chair. "You guys must have chased her away. She's finished with her internship and decided not to extend for the full season."

That non-existent tension that you mentioned earlier, sprung it's ugly head back into the room the moment that his announcement left his lips. Both Jamie and Tyler perked up at what Dave had said, both surprised and even had a split moment where they looked at each other. Though of course, they had no clue of your decision, so shock and confusion were along the lines of what you expected them to feel. You made eye contact with Jamie first and you couldn't exactly pinpoint just what he was feeling since three separate emotions ran across his face: shock, disappointment and finally, joy. When you acknowledged him back, he opened his mouth slightly as if he might just say something, but instead bit the inside of his cheek and rested his head back down onto his forearms as Craig continued to scrap him. Tyler on the other hand only had two visible emotions: sad and extremely pissed. And if it wasn't for the fact that his eyes carried hints of sadness, you'd only think he was extremely pissed, seeing as the scowl on his face and his knitted eyebrows were the key symbols of his anger. Rightfully, you were confused at his reaction. How could he even be bothered to be angry about your choice when he hasn't talked to you in nearly two weeks?

Screw him, he has no right to be angry.

You turned your attention away from him and started to make your way back to the training room door. "Well, shit, who the hell is going to deal with my shin problem now?" Big Rig said, clearing out the silence in the room.

Bishop laughed as well a few other guys who were still left in the training room before walking away from your desk and over to you. "You're 27 years old, figure it out, you dweeb!" He came to a stop in front of you and hugged you. "Good luck with the rest of your senior year. I hope you'll still come around."

"Eh, maybe I will," you joked, pulling away from the hug and giving the guys a small wave. "Good luck tonight guys. Someone fight Tkachuk or I'll disown you as my team and switch to the Canucks."

Your joke was followed by multiple groans and mumbles, in reply to your goodbye and to the fact that you were leaving their training room forever. Once the conversation returned to normal, you took that as your time to slip out of the training room unnoticed and back out into the hallway. The moment you stared down the empty hallway, you took a deep breath and felt as if a huge weight was lifted off of your shoulders. You, Kennedy and Big Rig had made yourself a checklist of things to do before the year came to an end and you came back from winter break.

The first? Talk to Dave and give him the paperwork to wrap up your internship.

The second? Somehow repair your relationship with Jamie, which has yet to even have an outlined plan.

And the third? ...Close things off with Tyler on a positive note. He was a friend way before he was a hookup and he's your brother's best friend. Just because the two of you had relations, doesn't mean you couldn't still be friends.

You weren't one to lie to yourself. You knew that the last one probably wouldn't happen before the end of the year, if at all. Confronting Tyler was terrifying to you. Sure, you've planned everything that you wanted to say to him– it's been boiling inside of you for days. But there was never a moment that presented itself to where you could get Tyler alone, and you no longer felt comfortable just showing up at his place. So, you just pushed it onto the backburner and knew that somewhere down the road, you'd be able to accept that things would be like this from here on out– avoiding each other and pretending like nothing ever happened.

"Y/N, wait!" Halfway down the hallway, you stopped in your tracks as you listened to the sound of a door closing and shoes scuffing along the floor.

You didn't want to turn around, hell, you didn't even want to stop. But it was like your body turned against you the moment that you heard his voice. His footsteps came to a stop just behind you and you could hear him panting a little, trying to catch his breath. In his hand, you heard the slight jingle of a single key on a lanyard, and your heart squeezed in your chest.

"You can't do this. You can't leave!" The anger in his voice took you by surprise, just like his reaction only moments ago in the training room had. "You can't let me stop you from keeping this internship."

"Excuse me?" You scoffed, whipping around and feeling pure adrenaline running through your veins. "That's awfully narcissistic of you."

He looked taken back as he held tightly onto the lanyard he'd gifted you. "That's why you're leaving, though. Because of...everything?" He took a step towards you, shaking his head. "If it is I–"

Maybe it was the way he had phrased the sentence or maybe it was the way that he had pretty much just written off every moment the two of you had shared in a hesitant state. Whatever it was, you felt a whirl of anger and adrenaline swirling around inside of you as you clenched your fists by your side. "I completed my hours, Tyler, meaning my internship is done. I've fulfilled my duties as an intern here and even if it was about you and 'everything'," you threw your air quotes as you stared at him, your eyes hoping to burn holes into his head. "My position here was never permanent and we both knew that."

You felt slightly proud of yourself for the sly insinuation you threw in at him, and even more so proud when you saw that he understood just what you were implying. "Y/N listen, we need to talk."

Even if you wanted to, you couldn't have prevented the laugh that escaped from your mouth. "You've had almost two weeks to 'talk', Tyler. Two weeks to send me a text or a phone call to meet up someplace! But now that I'm leaving and I'll no longer be around for your convenience, it's the perfect time to talk?"

He stood there silent because he knew damn well that you were right. He had plenty of opportunities in the last two weeks to reach out to you, but he hadn't even bothered to pick up the phone and there was no denying it. You stood there, taking him in and it only made you feel worse. He had a hurt look on his face like he was lost as to what you wanted him to say or to do– and that only made you angrier. It was simple, what you wanted him to do. For the last two weeks, all you've wanted was for him to just talk to you, to let you know that he hadn't tossed you aside like another pointless hookup. But now, all you wanted to do was get everything off of your chest, and it was then that you realized...the universe was granting you the alone time you've desperately wanted.

"You don't get it, do you?" You asked, shaking your head as you felt a knot tighten in your throat. "You don't get how...how embarrassed I am! Do you know how many people told me to avoid getting involved with you? That you'd do nothing but end up hurting me in the end?"

"'He has a reputation for a reason, Y/N!' 'All he does is whore around Dallas, Y/N.' 'You guys are in two different stages of life, it won't work out.'" You laughed again, trying your damndest not to try. "I've heard it all, Tyler. From Kennedy, from your teammates, from kids at my school, hell– I even heard it from my mom!"

You bit the inside of your cheek as you looked off to your left, giving yourself a few seconds to compose your thoughts before looking at him again. "But I brushed their worries aside because I saw a side of you that they never got the chance to. I saw how kind and sweet you were with me. How you'd jump at any opportunity to help me study and how you always made me feel welcome in your home."

"I saw it all and I thought, 'hey, you know what? They're all wrong. He's not that kid in Boston and he's not the same guy he was when he first got to Dallas.'" You pointed at him before letting your hand drop back to your side. "I gave you the benefit of the doubt because I know people can change and with my whole heart, I believed that you had."

He continued to stare at you, almost void of emotion now as if he had put up a wall and was just letting you scream at it, which only made you more upset. "I understand that you could have lost your best friend, I really do. And I'd never ask you to put our, whatever the hell we had, above your friendship with Jamie."

 Your bottom lip trembled as you thought about the nights since, where you've checked your phone every minute to see if he had texted you. "But you could have texted me. You could've said 'hey, I just need some space right now to figure stuff out' and I would have been fine with that! Instead, you just...tossed me aside and shut me out."

The more that you spoke, the more weightless you began to feel. It was as if speaking every word and feeling you had saved for Tyler was freeing you of the pain that him dropping you like nothing, had caused. Yet, you couldn't help but feel angry at how he was just standing there. You wanted a reaction, you wanted him to apologize– anything was better than this.

"Say something! Stop standing there and staring at me!" You yelled, feeling surprised at yourself for just how high your voice had gone and echoed off of the walls.

You watched his Adam's apple bob as his fingers tangled and twirled through the lanyard."Jamie and I... we've been talking and I think it's going well."

"Well that's great for you, isn't it?" You scoffed, shaking your head and motioning towards him with a hand. "At least my brother is talking to someone, right? Better you than me, I guess. I'm happy you got your best friend back, I truly am."

The longer you stood there, the more you felt your body begin to shake from the pure adrenaline running through you. And the more that he just stared at you, the more you felt your heart breaking because it was starting to become clear that you were the only one who was hurting from all of this. You laughed in disbelief at your revelation before turning away from him, preparing to walk down the aisle and out of his view.

"Why?" You asked, keeping your back turned. "Why did you do it?"

"...Why did I do, what?"

You turned around, your hair whipping into your face before you brushed it back with your fingers. "Why did you go back to Maisy?" Your voice cracked as you spoke softly, staring at him with the tears that were threatening to spill. "Why did you treat me like I was the most important person to you and then toss me aside like I was just another pointless hookup?"

"Y/N..."

"Did you even care? Wait, no, of course, you didn't and would you like to know how I know that, Tyler?" You stared at him, expecting an answer but knowing you wouldn't get one. "Because you practically rushed me out of your house and into an uber like I was nothing. You couldn't even be bothered to make sure I got home okay! The first sign of trouble and you toss me into an uber, sent me away and then ignored me like every..."

Your voice broke as you brought a hand to your mouth and turned away from him. You took a deep breath, trying to calm down your racing heart before looking back at him. "You ignored me like every moment we spent together meant nothing to you. And m-maybe they did but to me? They're some of the best memories I've had here in Dallas."

"So imagine how it made me feel, when my brother of all people, tells me that she's here...in your seats, not even four days after you had sex with me and tossed me aside." You glared at him as your bottom lip trembled once again. "You made me look like a joke Tyler."

"It wasn't like that, okay? Maisy was just–"

"I don't care what it was like, Tyler! She was here, in seats YOU bought her last season!" You yelled, throwing your arms in the air. "You told me that you guys were over! That you haven't talked to her since July and yet, there she was!"

The moment you felt the first tear glide down your cheek, you knew that you only had moments before you would burst into tears. You went to speak and a small sob escaped from the back of your throat. Tyler went into a small panic, his eyes widening as he stepped forward and reached out for you. "Y/N–"

"Don't," You stepped back, smacking his hand away. "Don't touch me, just...don't." You closed your eyes, focusing on your breathing and collecting your thoughts before opening them and looking at him one last time. "I gave you the benefit of the doubt Tyler, but it turns out everyone was right."

You laughed again, shrugging your shoulders and shaking your head. "You're still that 19-year-old kid in Boston, who doesn't have a clue about what he wants for his life...you're nowhere near the man I thought you were." You looked him dead in the eyes, not caring about the tears running down your face. "Grow up."

With that, you turned your back to him and started to finish your journey down the hall and to the elevator, choosing to ignore how his footsteps followed you. "Y/N, wait...please."

You stopped, this time choosing to and kept your head down towards the ground and holding back your sobs. "SEGGY WHERE ARE YOU? GET DRESSED, WE'VE GOT 5 MINUTES TILL WARM-UPS!" Big Rig called out, his loud voice echoing down the hall.

You expected to hear Tyler's footprints walk in the opposite direction, but you were met with silence. "Y/N, stay after the game, please? I just," he sighed, trying to figure out what to say. "We really need to talk about everything and just...please wait for me after the game? Five minutes, two minutes, one minute– whatever you want, I don't care. Just...please, let me explain?"

"SEGGY LET'S GO!" Rads called out this time, his voice louder as you kept your back to Tyler.

You heard him sigh again before listening to his footsteps run in the direction back towards the locker room. You didn't hesitate to walk as fast as you could to the elevator, letting out every tear and sob your body had held back as he pleaded for a chance to explain. It was all you wanted from him, an explanation, but he was too late. You weren't staying for the game, you were leaving the arena and hopping onto a flight to Victoria in two hours.

You just didn't have the heart to tell him that.

You were grateful for the elevator attendant who stayed silent your entire ride up to the upper level. Before the doors opened, you took a deep breath and wiped your eyes, fixing yourself up before you'd make your way through the crowds and out of the arena. The attendant gave you a friendly smile as you walked out of the elevator. As soon as the doors closed and you made your way through the crowds, you spotted Paisley turning away from the drink cart ahead of you and you were desperate for the crowd to swallow you up before she could witness you in all of your misery.

Unfortunately for you, the universe wasn't so kind because as soon as she looked up from her purse, her eyes locked on yours and she smiled and waved at you. You froze in place, probably bothering the fans trying to make their way around you as you watched in horror, Paisley coming towards you.

"Y/N, hi!" She smiled, just as cheery as the first time you met her, which again, made it so hard to dislike her. "What are you doing up here? I thought you were down in the training room and stuff?"

"How did you know that?" You asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Cole," she scoffed, rolling her eyes before taking a sip of her beer, which was another shock because you took her for a wine kind of girl. "He complained about it and Tyler Seguin and some dude named Big Rig? But I don't understand why because like, your job sounds really cool!"

"Well, it was pretty cool, but I finished up my internship, so I won't be here much longer." You replied, stuffing your hands awkwardly into your sweatshirt pockets.

She looked at you, her eyes taking in your appearance and lingering on your face for much longer than you'd like them to. "Are you okay? You look like you've been crying."

There were a lot of things you wanted to do right now and talking to the girl your boyfriend cheated on you with, was not on the list. But she was being so nice to you and after the horrible moment you just had with Tyler, you needed a little positivity right now. "I kind of just maybe...broke up with someone? I mean we weren't a thing, but we kind of were and it's just...it's a whole hot mess." You sighed, shaking your head and brushing it off. "It doesn't matter anymore."

She gasped, bringing her drink to her chest and grabbing onto your wrist with her free hand as she leaned in. "You broke up with Tyler? But why? You guys seemed so happy whenever I saw you out downtown. Even when I saw you walking around campus, you just looked so...happy."

"It's complicated."

She shook her head, sighing and taking a long sip of her wine. "I guess it is true then, men are shit. College guy or NHL player." She must have seen the shocked look on your face because she shrugged her shoulders and rolled her eyes. "Oh yeah, I dumped Cole's ass. Sometime after you left the ABC party. He's just an asshole! And I'm sorry about everything...I never knew and I feel horrible about it."

"It's okay, he really was an asshole." You laughed, feeling a small flutter of happiness rush through you for the first time in what felt like forever. As she joined you in laughter, you dug your phone out of your back pocket and smiled. "What's your number? Maybe we can hang out after break?"

"Oh my God, yes!" She squealed, taking your phone from your hands and bringing her own out. "And I'll add you on snap and Instagram, too! Honestly, you and Kennedy seem like the coolest girls and I've always wanted to be friends with you since freshman year English lit, but we never really had classes together again."

"We can make plans for spring break maybe?" You suggested as the two of you added each other on social media before putting your phones away.

"Yes! We can plan it after break! Maybe you can even introduce me to a cute hockey boy?" She winked, nudging you playfully. "It seems to have worked out for Kennedy well."

You laughed again, nodding your head. "I know a few single guys, we'll see what we can do." You felt your phone vibrating and you brought it back out to see the notification about your uber being ten minutes out. "Oh shoot, I need to go and get my bags before my uber gets here. But I'll text you later?"

"Sure thing!" She nodded before turning to walk away. "Oh, and one more thing!"

"Yeah?"

"Don't count him out just yet, okay? As I said, I saw how he looked at you whenever I saw you guys downtown and if I know boys like I think I do...I'd say that boy loves you. And a boy in love doesn't give up that easily." She smiled and shrugged her shoulders before winking at you. "Just a thought."

You watched her disappear into the crowd, wondering what the hell just happened. When you made your way down the escalators and into the main lobby, you navigated your way towards the front office where Big Rig had asked the staff to hold your bags for you. Sneaking in and then out quickly, you grabbed the Stars 'staff' lanyard around your neck and stuffed it into your sweatshirt pockets before walking out of the arena doors with your luggage in hand and made your way to the spot where you'd meet your uber. As you stood there, waiting for your Uber to arrive, you thought about what she said. Out of curiosity, you brought your phone out of your back pocket again to see a new text on your screen...from Tyler.

'see you after the game?'

You went to reply to tell him the news, but your uber pulled up and you locked your phone and shoved it into your sweatshirt pocket along with the Dallas Stars lanyard.

You were leaving for Victoria, Tyler would go home to Toronto and there would be no waiting for him in the hallway after the game, giving him a chance to explain.

The damage was already done.

[nightingaletrash]

Reyder is pretty much my jam atm, so that's what y'all are getting :)

Set during Meridian: The Way Home because I want Reyes reacting to Ryder dying again.

Edit: I wrote a part 2 for this drabble

---

“-no less than three Kett ships sighted-” “-t approaching the port, I have no clue wh-” “-think they’re leaving the planet-” “-thing big got them moving-” “-sighted in Draullir, they’re moving north-” “-thought Sloane and the Pathfinder killed them-”

It was a confusing mish-mash of transmissions from across the badlands, enough that even Reyes was getting a headache trying to make sense of what was happening. And this was after he’d directed a handful of his most trusted representatives to send their reports to Keema.

The general gist of it was that Kett had been sighted in the badlands, almost like they’d been popping out of the earth itself. As thorough as Sloane had seemed to be, the Kett had clearly been more deeply entrenched on Kadara than anyone had realised. But what was more concerning than that was the fact that they were leaving.

Kett only left if they were wiped out or they were ordered elsewhere, and given that no one had realised they were there, it could only be the latter.

And that was the concerning part.

“Reyes-”

“I don’t know what’s happening, Keema,” he interrupted, running a hand over his face. “No one seems to-”

“Reyes, I’ve just received a report that the Kett have taken one of the Initiative arks” Keema pressed on, steamrolling over him. “The Hyperion. They say that the Archon himself was among the boarders.”

That was enough to make him freeze in his tracks and he immediately muted the rest of his data feeds to focus solely on Keema.

“They stole an ark? Why?”

It was less aimed at her and more trying to create an idea he could actually grasp and work with.

“I don’t know, but whatever the Kett are up to, they’re on the march. It’s not just Kadara, Reyes. All across the cluster, we’ve got reports of Kett pulling out. They’ve even given up valuable fortifications on Voeld for this. It must be something big for the Archon to be so bold.”

Reyes’ mind started working a mile a minute, eyes flicking back to the steady stream of reports being thrown at him. Crux and the others must have realised he had muted them.

Nothing he saw contradicted what Keema had said. The Kett weren’t attempting to engage the Collective or outlaws in the badlands. By all accounts, they were pulling out and leaving the planet for parts unknown.

Sara.

The last time they'd talked, she had mentioned that she was hot on the trail of Meridian, the heart of the Vault network. She must have managed to hit a nerve if the Archon was mustering his forces like this.

And Keema seemed to have had the same thought.

“If anyone knows what’s happening, it’s the Pathfinder,” she said brusquely. “I’ll coordinate our people here while you find out what’s going on. We need to be ready if a fight’s coming.”

She ended the call, but not before Reyes was already patching through to Sara. His heart was beating uncomfortably hard in his chest, as if it was trying to beat for two, and he couldn’t help pacing the room.

“Pathfinder, are you there? Ryder?”

Something icy settled in his stomach when he received only static and a lump began to form in his throat. He adjusted his omni-tool’s settings, trying to delay the encroaching panic that itched at the back of his mind.

“Pathfinder, it’s Reyes. Do you copy?”

Still static, and now he was having to make a conscious effort to keep his breathing steady as he tried the private channel they'd set up.

“Sara, can you hear me? Are you okay? What’s going on?”

No response. Only static.

As his stomach churned horribly, it took every ounce of control he had to not run straight for his shuttle, find out where the Tempest was, and fly out there himself.

Instead he decided to try a different tact. If Sara wasn’t answering, then maybe someone else could tell him what was happening.

“Doctor T’Perro, are you there? It’s Reyes.”

There was more static, and then-

“Reyes?”

He breathed a sigh of relief. Her voice was fuzzy and it crackled with static, but he could hear her and she sounded calm enough. And that meant she probably wasn’t attending to a life-or-death emergency.

“Yes Doctor. I’m trying to get through to Sara, but-”

“So are we,” she cut over. Her voice was becoming clearer, and so was the edge of urgency in her tone. “We’ve lost all communication with SAM and the Pathfinder team. The Archon’s taken down our communications.”

That… wasn’t good. Though if the Archon had indeed taken the Hyperion, losing SAM seemed like an obvious consequence. But SAM wasn’t vital for QEC, was he? Reyes nearly asked but then realised that Lexi had turned her attention away from him and was speaking to someone else in her clipped, professional tone.

“-medbay’s prepped and ready. And Liam, remember what I said about staying calm.”

Reyes could hear Liam retorting offmic which was quickly followed by Vetra scolding him and the thumping of armoured footsteps on metal floors. Somewhere in the distance, almost completely staticky, there was shouting about signal boosters and settings, and yelled replies about onboard computers not responding. The more he listened to the hustle and bustle in the background, the more evident it was that the Tempest’s crew was in emergency mode.

He chewed the inside of his cheek, now seriously considering the idea of wringing their location out of Lexi and flying out to meet them. Keema could handle Kadara. His representatives knew to answer to her in his absence.

“Reyes, are you still there?”

Lexi brought him back to attention, urgency still lacing her voice but her tone softened somewhat now. And then he remembered why he was calling her in the first place.

“Is Sara okay? What’s happening?”

There was a pregnant pause and his body became tense even as his heart began to sink horribly.

“Reyes, you need to understand-”

“Cut the shit. Is she okay?” he demanded, too agitated to care about losing his temper.

Lexi sighed quietly and he could easily picture her running her hands over her face.

“When Sara became Pathfinder, SAM became a part of her in ways we still don’t fully understand,” Lexi explained, her tone becoming cool and professional. Like whenever doctors in drama vids were delivering difficult news. “He became so integrated with her system, that trying to remove him could kill her. But now that he's offline-”

Reyes didn’t hear the rest. He stood rooted to the spot, every muscle in his body freezing and his jaw locking. For a moment he was removed from all the sensation in his body, from the confusion of voices outside his door, even the beating of his own heart.

And then it came rushing back all at once.

He collapsed back into his seat, holding his head in his hands as his lungs stuttered and faltered, struggling to draw breath. His eyes felt wet and it was a struggle to blink back the moisture.

Sara had died once in the time he'd known her, but that had been part of a plan, and SAM had revived her quickly enough. This time SAM wasn't there to bring her back. His absence alone was enough to kill her. And here was Reyes, worlds away and unable to do anything to help.

Time seemed to slow to a crawl, and all the company he had was bursts of static activity in his earpiece - a mixture of shouting and running that made about as much sense as the reports he’d been sifting through just minutes ago.

"Reyes, are you there? Reyes?"

He couldn't bring himself to reply. His mouth flapped uselessly but no sound came out. If he tried any harder than that, he feared that only vomit might come up instead of words

“Reyes I need you to listen to me,” Lexi ordered firmly; in the background there was the sound of doors sliding open and the tapping of shoes marching across the floor. She was on the move.

“Kallo and Gil are trying to get us through to the team and find out for certain what’s happening. We just got a signal through from the Hyperion. It was just a pulse, but the onboard computer in Sara’s armour is showing signs of a response.”

Reyes could hear her footsteps being swallowed up by others, and it was evident that the team was on the move.

“A response?” was all he could muster.

“Yes, though it’s not as straightforward as I’d like. Vital signs are all over the place and-”

His heart rose a little.

“You think she’s okay?”

“I don’t know yet. Listen Reyes, I need to be ready in case Sara needs medical attention."

“Can you give me your loca-”

"Try it now!"

He was cut off by another voice over the comm, a little staticky at first before things smoothed out.

"Pathfinder? Come on…!"

Reyes and Lexi fell silent, as did all the background noise, and he felt his chest tighten as he listened intently.

There was an age-long pause, and a collective held breath before a small, weary voice croaked, "...we're here Tempest."

A dry sob left Reyes' throat as his heart leapt.

She was alive. Exhausted and drained by some apparently gargantuan effort, but he massively preferred exhausted and alive to the alternative. And he wasn't the only one.

He heard Lexi sigh in relief and a few relieved cheers and sighs around her. The footsteps hastened, and Reyes didn’t stop to think before he stood bolt upright and marched out of his private room.

“Lexi, give me the Tempest’s coordinates. I’ll meet you.”

“Relaying them now. I have to go and tend to Sara, but I’ll give you an update later. Without violating patient confidentiality, of course.”

He let himself have a chuckle at that, even if it wasn’t really a joke.

“Thanks Lexi. I’ll see you all soon.”

[thethirdwheel404]

Med Rewatch Series (#20)

YESSIR. WE MADE IT. I CAN’T BELIEVE WE MADE IT.

Final episode that I’m watching for the rewatch series. Ready to fuck some shit up.

S3 E20: The Tipping Point.

Episode description: Dr. Rhodes second guesses his decision to remove himself from the team of doctors who work to separate conjoined twins.

You’ve gotta be fucking joking right?

okay.

last ava ep that mattered. i’m so excited

let’s get into it.

- ava

- the way nat looks at connor when ava says that he will not be operating

- it’s like no one trusts ava at all?

- yes, he’s emotionally involved, but is that really that good of a thing?

- ava is of sound mind. connor evidently does not think that he is

- why is connor apparently the only one capable of the surgery?

- fuck off. this is why he needs to leave

- so many nat ava interactions. i never expected this. ( i should have. i am dumb)

- ava reminding nat that like, she’s here. right next to them. in this conversation

- nat, to connor: “The cronins are counting on you!”

ava: “They’re counting on the team.” like bitch?

- like it or not, nat also does not believe women should have rights. maybe it’s a manstead thing. no. it’s definitely a med thing.

- i like ethan’s jacket.

- april can shut the fuck up. hypocrite? i smell a hypocrite? (who am I kidding, they’re all over med)

- ethan has the best outfits

- april. the one who preached unconditional love. is like. ‘emily can get fucked. i don’t care.’ i can’t believe it. this is so fucking stupid.

- three weeks ago (literally) will and nat were not on speaking terms. now he’s gonna fucking propose?

- NOBODY ON MED HAS FUCKING BRAIN CELLS

- I always hated how on tv shows, characters get married super soon. it’s so fucking annoying.

- omg bert tried to kill himself holy shit

- ava sighing at connor trying to give input.

- sarah’s dad: “I don’t deserve you.” NO BITCH YOU DON’T. go die

- connor fuck off. stop having to give orders on everything

- yeah, sure. connor emotes in this episode. but what he’s emoting at is going in and fucking stealing a huge surgery

- i can’t believe this is the last episode of med with connor. can’t believes he leaves for mayo clinic at the end of the season... the world we live in...

- YESSS THEY FIND EMILY AT THE ENCAMPMENT. classic angst. honestly. i fucking love it.

- yeah april.

- god this is like. classic angst. old school. back to basics. this is fucking fantastic

- UGHHHH I LOVE ITTTT

- the fuck?

- the mayo guy, and the other doctors are surprised that connor, a surgeon, knows how to do surgery? EXCUSE ME? THE BAR IS ON THE FUCKING FLOOR

- why is everyone so fucking stupid. i’m being serious. watch that scene. it is so stupid.

- ava is... not surprised that connor cut in. i mean. is anyone?

- she almost has that scoffy grin, that she does, under her mask

- okay but like ava’s character growth. instead of being mad that connor’s getting in on the surgery (like she would at the beginning of the season), she’s concerned for his career.

- sarah’s dad is fucking pathetic. i can’t believe sarah’s stuck with him. she deserves so much better

- SHE HAD TO MOVE TO FUCKING TEXAS. COME THE FUCK ON.

- i can’t believe he fucking tricks her into walking him outside. fuck him.

- takes him for a walk and pushes him down a hill

- it’s taking all of my self control not to write something where ava does that

- the way ethan subtly flinches when emily apoligizes. brian tee is a god

- sarah’s dad’s dialogue really makes it seem like he’s gonna murder his own daughter

- the monkeys is a good bit

- HOLY SHIT ITS LANIK

- I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT OKAY DAMN

- he is way different than i remember. i literally never paid attention to him

- ava with her fuckinngggg rolled up sleeves is still fantastic

- ava’s disappointment at seeing connor meet with the mayo clinic guy. most rh*kker thing we’ve seen all season. and yeah, i’m including the one night stand. there’s a special kind of upset you get at seeing someone you love leave and move far away. it’s not really the same as losing someone who’s just a friend. that’s why i say it’s the most rh*kker thing.

- of course, i am still keeping them platonic, so going off of that. ava is thinking that she is about to lose the only person she’s gotten close to in the last seven months. of course she’s going to be upset

- (in the rewrite this loss is not as much of a problem bc in the rewrite she has reese)

- also that surgery was so anticlimactic fuck off. this episode is fucking boring. my favorite part is probably the emily reveal. i’m a sucker for some sibling angst

- is he really going to propose. off of that? her being mad at him. you’ve got to be fucking joking.

- HOLY FUCKING SHIT APRIL IS THE MOST ANNOYING PERSON. SO FUCKING CONDESCENDING? “She’s damaged, you can’t fix her.” SHE’S TALKING DOWN TO HIM. this is so fucking infuriating

- i cannot believe this i cannot believe this i cannot believe this she’s fucking breaking up with him bc he cares about his sister. the sister she told him to care about?? holy fuck, I can’t

- WILL IS SO FUCKING DUMB

- YOU CANT PROPOSE TO HER WHEN SHES MAD AT YOU

- YOU ALSO CANT PROPOSE TO HER BC YOU ARE FUCKING TOXIC

- WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU???

- he is so fucking dumb oh my god

- connor looking out, pensive over the parking lot. why is everyone on this show so fucking extra

- tell me why ava’s casual clothes is a button up. ma’am.

- back at it with the snippy one liners

- she looks so sad? baby noooo.

- i can’t. my heart can’t.

- there’s a lot to unpack in this scene

- i don’t really know why she starts out looking so sad?

- let’s chalk that up to her being tired, and channeling her little energy into feigning annoyance at connor. but then, as she keeps speaking, keeps thinking, she taps into this deep seeded feeling of indignance. real annoyance at connor’s bullshit.

- connor returns ava’s initial comment, which at this point is still kind of light and teasing, with another sly line, trying to brush it off.

connor: “You give me too much credit.”

ava, tucking her tongue in front of her teeth in that way when you don’t believe what someone’s saying: “Do I?”

- next, she says “you’re ambition strikes me as boundless.” I really have no clue what to make of that/

- then she says “I don’t know what to think.” shaking her head, shrugging. at a loss. why? is it bc she can’t figure out what he is/was trying to do? she can’t understand him anymore?

i think it’s ‘she was surprised by what he did, but she’s mad at herself bc honestly, she shouldn’t have been’. she thought he had changed, when he pulled himself off the case. thought he had gained some humility (finally, finally given ava her one moment in the sun to shine). and then he goes back on it almost immediately.

yeah. that’s what it is. she’s surprised, but mad bc she shouldn’t have been.

- she says “but I’m sure you also secured yourself an attending position” as like a slight jab. not really meant to be cutting, but then his reaction ruins it and makes her realize that something worse actually happened. if connor had responded to it in kind with another snarky comment the moment probably would have been fine

- connor’s “ah, god, ava -” comes off as so fucking insincere.

- ava’s small little “what?”. my heart

- i also think it’s interesting that when she’s thinking things through in the moment really fast, her face changes with her thoughts/emotions, and out of some sort of reflex, she smiles. her first thing is to laugh at the situation, scoff at it

- she’s laughing out of disbelief

- why is she laughing (out of reflex)? because this is stupid. HE DID SOMETHING THAT WAS COMPLETELY UNFAIR AND RECKLESS. AND HE’S GETTING REWARDED FOR IT. LIKE HE ALWAYS HAS. and Ava is the only person to see how unfair it is. everyone else would congratulate him no questions. can’t fucking believe it

- connor asking ava if she would take the offer is so fucking pathetic. he’s asking bc he’s hoping she’d say no, and then he’d finally have his answer to ‘is she in love with me’. the stupidest thing is she says no, which basically means no, i’m not in love with you, AND HE STILL TURNS IT DOWN. WHAT THE FUCK

- boy get some fucking eyes.

- also holy shit i’m just now realizing how cool my idea of connor somehow passing the offer off to her would be in one of my alternate endings of s3. because, he literally asks her is she would take the offer and she literally says she would. so that would be completely in character

- for those of you wondering, in my version, the reason ava wants connor around is bc he’s her only friend. why would it make sense for her to take the mayo clinic offer? did you just trap yourself in your logic

- no, it’s okay, bc if she took the offer, it’s just a reset. it’s not any different, bc she’s in a completely new place, she has time to make more connections. the reason she clung to connor was bc over the seven months, he was the only person she connected with, so she valued him immensely. there’s no reason she couldn’t make another connection at the mayo clinic. it’s perfectly fine.

- connor’s such a fucking simp its so pathetic

- she’s staying for sarah

- why does she start crying? that’s a good question.

- well, for all the reasons we stated before. she’s losing the closest thing to a best friend that she has. it’s sad. it’s alienating. and she’s sad bc she thinks there’s no way that he wouldn’t take the offer

- (bc they’re just good friends. you don’t turn down job offers for good friends. and it’s true. in my version, they are just good friends, and connor takes it. and ava has to deal with being lonely again.)

- (of course, med took a different route.)

- i fucking hate this show. i fucking hate this show so much.

- the last shot of the season is sarah and charles and sarah’s dad and we get one episode of  wrap up. med likes their cliffhangers so fucking much.

okay, so. this episode is pretty good for like a branching off point. we see the anxiety ava feels at the idea of connor leaving, which is really good to work with moving forward. I feel like I’ve said enough on all these different topics.

That being said, I have a lot of thoughts, and now that I have the knowledge of what my canon will be, going forward, this is going to be fun.

When I have more ideas, I’ll make more posts.

we’ve set the grounds. this was the final episode. now we look ahead, towards the future of med.

thank you, so much, for sticking with it. <3<3

[taste-in-music]

My Favorite Hit Songs of 2019

This year’s crop of popular music was... absolutely bonkers? I mean, this year we had Billie Eilish crash into the mainstream, Lizzo managed to get multiple hits out of songs she released nearly three years ago, the Jonas Brothers made a comeback, and the longest-running #1 hit in Billboard history became a rap/country crossover that got its start on Tik Tok made by a complete nobody and the dad from Hannah Montana. I’m going to admit, this list was pretty hard to put together, as I found it hard to find 10 songs that I genuinely loved that were hits this year. Despite that, the sheer absurdity of this year’s popular music gave me a spark of hope going into the new decade. For this list, I’ll be selecting my favorite songs off of Billboard’s year end Hot 100 songs list. I’m ready to recount this year in music, so...

10) Sucker by Jonas Brothers I never watched the Jonas Brothers show or listened to their music back when they were big on Disney, so I’ve got no nostalgic investment in them. However, this was a fun comeback to watch play out. This song was pretty dang good for a while, with the funky guitars and the instantly catchy lyrics. It reminded me of “Feel It Still” by Portugal. The Man. Then it got the point where three separate radio stations were playing it at the same time, and now I can barely stand it. I think that after the radio releases this song from its clutches it will warm up on me again though, because I do like it overall.

9) Better by Khalid The strongest attribute of this song is its ATMOSPHERE. The beat, melody, and vocal delivery all compliment one another perfectly, combining to create a smooth, almost sexy sound that washes over you with ever listen. I also like the Daft-Punk-y vocoded lines that pop in at the end, they’re so unexpected and yet they fit in perfectly. I've always loved Khalid’s vocal timbre, it’s so chill and yet warm at the same time. The only thing I can’t praise about this is the lyrics, because I have no clue what they are. Khalid, bless his sweet soul, cannot enunciate. It’s the same problem I have with Ariana Grande. I love your voice, I want to know what you’re saying! 

8) Trampoline by SHAED Give me the hipster points, because guess who knew about this song before it was cool! I’ve loved SHAED’s music for some time now, so it’s been thrilling to watch this song climb the charts and for them to get the recognition and success that they deserve. While this song isn’t my favorite by them, (that slot would probably be reserved for “Perfume” or “Melt,”) it does showcase the group’s strengths, which are emotive vocals and glossy electronic production. I love the effervescent backing vocals and bubbling keys that pepper this song, it gives the song a floaty feel while still keeping it tense. 

7) Old Town Road by Lil Nas X ft. Billy Ray Cyrus I can’t think of a piece of music in recent memory that has captured the public’s attention so swiftly and so completely, and you know what? Sometimes something gets big because it’s good. This song, despite all the memes and jokes and radio play and oversaturation, never ever got old to me. Every time it comes on, it puts a giant, goofy smile on my face, and I sing along to the whole thing. I want Lil Nas X to stick around, but even if he doesn’t, I want what this song represents, genre blending, trend-bucking, and a sense of fuck-it fun, to stay.

6) bury a friend by Billie Eilish Out of all the strange hits we had this year, this was the weirdest one to hear on the radio. It doesn’t have a classic structure! It’s about the monster under your bed! It’s got nothing but a shuffle beat, bass, and the sound of dental drill! It just doesn’t belong on the airwaves next to songs like “ME!” or “I Don’t Care.” Despite that, I’m beyond happy that Billie Eilish is bringing a bit of emo weirdness to the mainstream, because if the success of her music, specifically this song, says anything, it’s that pop is heading in a far scarier and more experimental direction. And I’m on board with that. 

5) break up with your girfriend, i’m bored by Ariana Grande The groove on this song is fantastic. The combination of eerie synths, bass, reverbed backing vocals, and rolling snares makes it feel tight and controlled, but also loose and flowing at the same time. There was a lot of pushback against this song due the sentiment of the lyrics, but it’s not like Ariana is unaware that she’s the bad guy in this position. There’s enough indifference and sarcasm in her delivery to show that she’s self aware. This was probably my favorite out of the hit singles from the thank u, next era, (”thank u, next” is great but got a bit old to me, and I don’t care for “7 Rings.”) 

4) Circles by Post Malone  This is embarrassing to admit, because I rarely, if ever, enjoyed any music Post Malone has put out in the past. But this song just hits different. The instrumental feels more acoustic-driven and has a nice pulse to it, projecting a warmth and comfort that none of his other songs have. This was a perfect hit for Autumn, being chill and relaxing enough for Summer, but the underlying bass groove makes you want to move into the productive patterns of the school year. If Post Malone made more music like this I’d reckon I’d enjoy his music quite a bit. 

3) Dancing With A Stranger by Sam Smith ft. Normani Sometimes radio filler turns out to be spectacular. The ambiance this track builds is relaxing but in an otherworldly kind of way, forming a soundscape of echoing drums and whispering synths. I’ve always stood by the opinion that Sam Smith sounds really good with an electronic beat under them, it helps their great voice move in a more free-flowing way. Normani also sounds amazing on this song, her vocals dipping into smokier territory, and when the two sing together they play off one another’s performances with ease. 

2) Sweet But Psycho by Ava Max Who predicted this in their last year’s hit song’s list? This bitch! I was so happy to see this hit the U.S. charts, you have no idea. It was such a breath of fresh air in that it was so splashy, sugar-sweet, and unabashedly pop. The lyrics are some of the silliest of the whole year, (”she’s poison but tasty” makes me chuckle every time,) but it doesn’t matter. The addictive melodies and the earnestness in Ava Max’s performance make them sound like Shakespearean poetry, or at least like she believes that they’re Shakespearean poetry. 

Should Have Been Hits

Cruel Summer by Taylor Swift This should’ve been a single. I get why Taylor chose the singles she did, but this was primed to be a Summer smash, with the glossy synths and vocoded backing vocals and soaring chorus. We were robbed. Robbed, I tell you!

Graveyard by Halsey While “Without Me” got all the glory, this is my favorite of all the Halsey singles we’ve gotten so far by a wide margin. It’s the only one that I’ve made the conscious choice to listen to on my own time for one. I love the way the production rushes as the chorus hits, and the synths that sparkle throughout the verses, and Halsey’s reserved performance.

3 Nights by Dominic Fike This was a hit in the U.K., and I even heard it on a few alternative stations, so why no cross over? If there was any song that should have been the chill Summer hip hop hit, it should have been this. This song is weirdly addictive, the chorus is so inexplicably catchy that once you hear it one time through you will know all the words to it. 

Blame It On Your Love by Charli XCX ft. Lizzo When the mainstream decide that it didn’t need Charli XCX? Because it’s wrong, it needs her very, very badly. The success of “1999″ in the U.K., the name recognition, and the Lizzo feature should’ve been more than enough to boost this onto the charts, but I guess we didn’t want an instantly catchy and fun EDM pop song on the radio. Oh well. 

Motivation by Normani Normani and Lauren are my favorite Fifth Harmony members, so I’ve been rooting for their solo careers like nobody’s business. This single in particular had so much potential: a bouncy beat, a stamp of approval from Ariana Grande, and a kick-ass music video filled with impressive choreography. I hope this gets a bigger push into next year, because Normani is a wildly talented performer that deserves success outside of her collaborations. 

Guilty Pleasures

bad guy by Billie Eilish This was a good song, just not my favorite off the album, or of the hits, (I prefer ”bury a friend,” obviously, and “when the party’s over,” which made last year’s list.) Still, watching this idiosyncratic little tune become one of the biggest pop smashes of the year was enthralling. Like “bury a friend,” it was so strange to hear this on the radio. 

Close To Me by Ellie Goulding ft. Diplo & Swae Lee When a melody gets its claws in me, there’s nothing I can do about it. This is not Ellie Goulding at her best, (I’ll admit that I miss the days of “Lights,”) but the way she delivers the hook on this song is absolutely infectious. I’m not the biggest Swae Lee fan, but he’s fine here too. I never minded when this song came on the radio. 

This year was a bit of a roller coaster for me. Needless to say, there were several instances where I felt quite a bit of stress and insecurity, and oftentimes, I would turn to music to make myself feel better. There was one song in particular that a friend of mine, @hasanminajs​, introduced me to, that instantly became a beacon of self-appreciation and enjoyment to me throughout the year. And when I tell you that I have never been happier to hear a song on the radio than I have with this one, I'm telling the truth. 

1) Truth Hurts by Lizzo I have never rooted for a song’s success like I have for this one, and watching a hip hop track this bouncy, confident, and enigmatic climb the charts was an absolute joy. There are so many great punchlines in this song, from “why men great till they gotta be great?” to “I don’t play tag bitch, I’ve been it,” to the ever-iconic “I just took a DNA test, turns out, I’m 100% that bitch.” This song raised the standards for lyricism in the mainstream. I want Lizzo to be huge, I want her to be influential, I want her to be one of the biggest pop stars of the next decade if not longer. Everything about this song, from its production to its message to its performance makes me smile. And you know what? Sometimes that’s all that pop music needs to do. 

Do you agree with this list? What were your favorite hit songs of 2019? Leave a comment and let me know!

[imtheperfectvoid]

I’ve had this class made for a good while but I finally decided to post it to Tumblr — here’s the cast of my fangan! The story involves a group of Hope’s Peak alumni being gathered for physical and mental examination under the guise of being eligible for a federally-awarded grant for graduates of Hope’s Peak. However, because it’s a DR game, they’re trapped in the facility they’re gathered in and are placed in a killing game.

You can read the bios of each character below the cut!

Hisahito “Hito” Kanbara ♂ 

Height: 5'6"

Birthday: Mar 16

Age: 23

Occupation: Shinist priest

Likes: Astronomy

Dislikes: Lying

(Note: his Name in Kanji is Written as 尚人 meaning “esteemed person” but he calls himself just “Hito” (Person) because humility is one of his largest virtues and feels it’s important to put the good of the world before himself)

The protagonist of the game, and quite honestly the perfect example of “lawful good”. A kind-hearted, genuine boy with a penchant for seeking the truth and attaining growth, he feels that this game is truly going to test his faith and his virtues while being tempted to bring violence and harm to his fellow classmates. His devotion to his “Great Mother” - Shinomoi, a goddess representing truth, faith, and luck - is what keeps him steady and strong during his time in the game, and through her divine power is he able to piece everything together and bring every trial to a complete close... at least, he believes it is her aid that allows him to do so.

Atsuko Kurishita ♀

Height: 5′1″

Birthday: Nov 22

Age: 24

Occupation: Interior decorator

Likes: Glitter

Dislikes: Grapes

A bubbly, excitable girl with a keen eye for decor and design, she’s responsible for refurnishing and garnishing the homes of hundreds of homes across Japan, even many celebrities and well-known figures. She is a very emotional person, and can quickly jump from one to the next - quick to smile, quick to anger, quick to cry. She is also an overwhelmingly positive force in the games, collecting as many “pretty” things as she can find and presenting them with kind words to anyone in need of friendship or care. Her ditzy nature can sometimes hinder trials’ progression, but she can just as easily provide many helpful clues with her 1.5 eyes for detail.

Vox Stratos ♂

Height: 5’11″

Birthday: May 1

Age: 24

Occupation: LARPer

Likes: Wind chimes

Dislikes: Sour candy

Being very soft-spoken and gentle, it’s clear that this delicate man is very deep into his self-assigned role as Vox Stratos, an Air Genasi bard that is set on a mission to travel the multiverse and bring peace to his own lands. He can be very dramatic and overzealous in his endeavors and mannerisms, but his intentions are pure and his words are always genuine. However, he tends to be quite dim in terms of piecing together the overall mystery of a trial, and will usually have to be guided by another’s explanations to fully grasp the situation. There can only be speculation as to what kind of person he may really be beneath the guise of Vox Stratos.

Noburo Himura ♂

Height: 6′8″

Birthday: April 25

Age: 30

Occupation: Gravedigger

Likes: Rabbits

Dislikes: Heavy rainfall

A quiet, scary-looking guy like him is definitely someone everyone feels wary of; in truth, it’s not like they have much to be concerned with. Outwardly, his appearance would not leave you surprised to know that he’s responsible for plotting mass graves in no time flat. Despite this, he can be quite the gentle force. His heavy spirituality and desire to keep the worlds of the living and the dead in peace make him a rather benevolent person behind the mask. He may be quiet, but he can offer some solid arguments and points during a trial, and it only aids his usefulness to the group.

Minoru Kurosawa ♀

Height: 4'5"

Birthday: Aug 31

Age: 28

Occupation: Dentist

Likes: History documentaries

Dislikes: Loud music

Despite her stature, she is renowned as a superb force in the dentistry community - having single-handedly performed dental miracles on even the most disastrous of teeth. She is quite like a stern mother figure of the group, always keeping everyone in line and providing herself as a means of support whenever necessary. Her mind is tough and she can be very no-nonsense, but she does mean well in the end. A rather neutral force in trials and investigations, she tends to shine more outside of them and in the element of simple social contact between murders.

Takumi Achikita ♂

Height: 5′7″

Birthday: Feb 8

Age: 25

Occupation: Keysmith

Likes: Sunflowers

Dislikes: Annoying people

Famous for his ability to craft keys that open any and all locks, this cold boy is certainly a foil character of the group. He’s cocky, arrogant, and manipulative - and his only goal for this game is to escape, whatever that may mean for him. His uppity, loner behavior is backed by cold outbursts and isolation from the rest of the group, with hardly any empathy or show of concern for others’ wellbeing. Despite this, he does provide excellent talking points and arguments during trials, making him an unfortunately helpful force during investigations.

Sayuri Akashi ♀

Height: 5′3″

Birthday: Jan 2

Age: 28

Occupation: Biochemist

Likes: Renaissance art

Dislikes: The ocean

This mysterious lady is one of the most analytical and logical minds of the group, her forward-thinking mindset being a key part in how effectively she’s concocted several “miracle drugs” that have successfully aided in the world of eradicating/improving mental health. Her sharp eyes are a blessing for investigations, able to latch onto any minute detail and provide ample evidence into a trial. However, her logic cannot help but cripple her in terms of social understanding and communication with the group.

Habiki Bando ♂

Height: 5′9″

Birthday: July 7

Age: 25

Occupation: Drummer

Likes: Frogs

Dislikes: Serious conversations

This upbeat boy has a passion for drumming and an even bigger passion for making people smile. He’s the drummer for a ska band so successful and well-adored, he’s considered as “The Boy Who Made Ska Actually Cool”. His joyful nature and his constant joking (despite the fact that his humor tends to fall flat and not work) creates a very friendly appearance for him. Unfortunately, his cheeriness cannot overshadow the fact that his usefulness in trials and investigations is less-than-admirable. However, some of his capabilities may have some sort of merit down the road, if he keeps his ears open.

Koya Hamasaki ♂

Height: 5′11″

Birthday: Oct 11

Age: 26

Occupation: Sea captain

Likes: Letter-writing

Dislikes: Clowns

This foul-mouthed guy has the capability to successfully and efficiently man the wheel of any sea vessel put in front of him, and this notability is something that has built up his status as the Ultimate Captain. He’s quite the loud, rambunctious party type, and his dirty humor and sly comments are a large aspect of his outward, confident appearance. This confidence also drives him to assert control and act as the head of the party, despite most everyone’s protest. However, this confidence is faulty in trials, leading him to be more hasty in judgement. Perhaps something lies beneath that confidence that he works to hide?

Tetsuya Yomohiro ♂

Height: 6′0″

Birthday: May 15

Age: 27

Occupation: ???

Likes: Gin

Dislikes: Insects

Waking up with little to no personal memory, he doesn’t let this sway him in his endeavors to focus on the game and protect himself from certain death. Although he may not know much of his own life, he certainly knows how to throw around wit and banter and talk his way around any situation thrown at him. He’d prove helpful as an ally, but he could become quite the bother as an enemy. Despite his quiet charm, it’s easy to see he harbors a lot of natural sadness and pessimism, always looking to stifle his emotions with a drink or a cigarette. Whoever he may be, he clearly has a lot on his mind, even with the amnesia.

Yama Ryumine ♀

Height: 5′10″

Birthday: July 24

Age: 28

Occupation: Rock Climber

Likes: Alternative music

Dislikes: Economics

Famous for scaling mountainsides in record times with relative ease, she’s cocky and brave, always needing to be moving and cannot sit still to save her life. She’s a bit dense in terms of putting things together, but her bravery is always much appreciated in terms of bringing others to justice and understanding. All about fairness and equality, she is quick to defend others and give the benefit of the doubt.

Masumi Ichino ♀

Height: 5′3″

Birthday: Sep 18

Age: 23

Occupation: Calligraphy teacher

Likes: Video games

Dislikes: Yelling

This studious girl has been deemed her talent based on her superior capabilities to mimic most handwriting styles and can craft the most eloquent-looking calligraphic wordforms, even being so skilled as to personally pen the lettering of notices from high officials of Japan (the irony is that her natural handwriting is garbage). She’s quite docile and easy to startle and fluster, but her good-hearted nature and her clever mind makes her a valuable ally during the killing game.

Riku “Rick” Ushinōka ♂

Height: 5′5″

Birthday: Mar 2

Age: 24

Occupation: Farmer/”Cowboy”

Likes: Origami

Dislikes: Dark chocolate

This quiet boy, given the official title of Ultimate Farmer, is largely responsible for creating one of Japan’s highest-grossing farmlands in the nation’s recorded history, producing mass quantities of produce and farm life that has kept Japan strongly powered. His entire life has been in moderate isolation, having been homeschooled up until being brought to Hope’s Peak, so his communication skills amongst people his age leaves a lot to be desired. Though he lacks a fair amount of common sense and intelligence, what he does provide is a sharp eye for detail and order, and his capabilities to notice details will prove useful in his time in the killing game.

Yuriko Iwasaki ♀

Height: 5′7″

Birthday: Oct 29

Age: 25

Occupation: Chess player

Likes: Sudoku puzzles

Dislikes: Working hard

This proud girl has countless trophies, plaques, and awards recognizing her as the world’s most proficient grandmaster of chess. Her mind is sharp and her tongue is equally so - she has quite the sense of self-importance, believing herself to be the strongest asset in the killing game and talking down to anyone who views otherwise. Despite her rough, callous nature, she does provide quite the analytical perspective and holds the potential to be incredibly useful during trials and investigations.

Rei Obara ♀

Height: 5′7″

Birthday: Jan 18

Age: 26

Occupation: Cutler

Likes: Horror films

Dislikes: Cuttlefish

This girl is cold and aloof, her notoriety as one of the most gifted knife-makers in the world certainly affecting this reputation; she holds the capability to craft a razor-sharp blade from nearly any material given to her (see kiwami japan). Her humor is dry and her wit is endless, and she has little interest in making friends or growing close with anyone, fully understanding the severity of the situation and knowing that her status as a cutler certainly paints her as a threat, pushing her to further distance herself from the group. Despite this distance and her lack of ability to pick up on the nuances of the game, perhaps she can still prove useful in defending the rest of the group from whatever ultimate evil their captor has planned.

Jato Wakashira ♂

Height: 6’1″

Birthday: Oct 1

Age: 26

Occupation: Fashion designer

Likes: Summertime

Dislikes: Rough textures

This vivacious, lively man is the creator of some of the most trendy, in-style clothing collections, achieving international success and fame early on in his solo career and attained a celebrity status and amassed a huge social following. His flirtatious charisma and cheery attitude make him incredibly amiable, and his passion for clothing is unrivaled. Though he works hard to try and get along with everyone and get in the good graces of everyone in the game, he can’t help but form a bit of a wall with everyone and keep people at arm’s length throughout the events - a natural distrust lying beneath the surface. He fears anyone getting too close and discovering what he’s really like behind all the charm and sweetness - not fear for himself, but fear for them.

Kana Jikiba ♀

Height: 5’5”

Birthday: Feb 27

Age: 25

Occupation: Ceramicist

Likes: Raspberries

Dislikes: Loud noises

This bizarre girl has a lot of strangeness and uncertainty about her character - not many people are sure of her background, her nationality, or anything of that sort. However, what most people do know about her is her incredible aptitude for crafting some of the finest porcelain pieces to ever be made; everything from plates to tea sets to decorative pieces to even her own mask has the careful touch of a genuine artist behind them. She may be proficient in the art of ceramics, but she seems to struggle to effectively communicate and connect with other people - her mannerisms, way of speaking, and overall demeanor radiates an aura that makes most people wonder if she’s even human underneath that mask. Despite this, she’s a pleasant force with a surprising amount of intellect that always tries her best to maintain the peace.

[kiruuuuu]

Bandit/Jäger oneshot in which they’re on holiday, and maybe, just maybe, Bandit is up to something. Includes Sledge/Maestro, Smoke/Mute, Blitz/Rook and my recruits!! (Rating T/M, chaos, shenanigans + fluff, ~9.3k words) -  written for @grasshopper643​! This was an absolute blast, thank you so so much for commissioning me, and also for including the recruits 💖💖

.

Bandit awakens to birdsong, crickets chirping up a storm, bright sunlight falling into the comfy room smelling of old wood, and another body draped over his. Mind blissfully blank, he takes advantage of the marvellous situation he finds himself in: a deep breath fills his lungs with warm, fragrant summer air, and when he tilts his head to feel the soothing rays on his cheeks, he just happens to snuggle closer to the man atop him. Hands wander over exposed skin, travel down the dip of the lower waist, climb the gentle rise a bit further down, fingertips digging into inviting flesh.

Jäger stirs, not much, just enough so Bandit knows he’s awake, and wraps even tighter around him with a contented sigh. Normally, an embrace this snug would feel suffocating, and normally, the start of a new day would be met with unwilling groans and mutual shoving, but they’re on holiday. Bandit’s mind is at peace here, aided by the floral scent of all the flowers thriving not only outside the small house but scattered inside, too, inhabiting vases everywhere and mixing with the building’s own organic smell. Jäger’s personal one is merely the cherry on top.

Lazily, Bandit mouths at his lover’s shoulder while continuing the really quite lovely groping, massaging plump cheeks in preparation of early morning sex, something for which they rarely have the time. But they’re on holiday. They can do what they want. If he was any more awake, he might endeavour to take Jäger apart with his tongue until his moans turn into these hoarse pleas which never fail to drive Bandit insane, yet he’s afraid they’ll have to make do with languid humping amid deep kisses – travelling to their destination yesterday was surprisingly exhausting and they needed the sleep.

Nibbling at Jäger’s nape of the neck earns him his first moan for the day, so he uses more teeth, continues down that vein and grins to himself when Jäger stretches into his ministrations, sees a shadow move by the window and looks up, over Jäger’s shoulder, to -

- to be faced with five pairs of eyes. Very wide, and very curious.

His gaze must’ve turned murderous as all five idiots drop out of view immediately and, from the quiet sounds of it, scramble to get away. Vague regret befalls Bandit not for the first time: this half-baked plan might come to bite him in the arse eventually.

Oblivious to this distraction, Jäger curls into him and captures his lips in a sloppy kiss, and just for a moment, Bandit considers not getting up at all. Give ‘em a show, who cares – part of him wants to show off his boyfriend with his long limbs, the adorable little smiles, confident movements so unusual for him. And Jesus fucking Christ, not even twenty-four hours in Italy, and he’s already let its sappy atmosphere seep into his thoughts.

“Off”, he orders and slaps Jäger’s backside hard enough to leave a bright red mark. With a dissatisfied grumble, Jäger obliges and rolls off him, but not without reaching between Bandit’s legs and hell, he really doesn’t make anything easy, does he? There’s a brief scuffle accompanied by sleepy giggling on Jäger’s part and vanishing resistance on Bandit’s, and when he ends up pinning the other man down by the wrists, he still hasn’t won. Because Jäger beams up at him so unguardedly that it feels like a stab to the heart. He’s just, he’s just so -

Out of the corner of his eye, he spots movement once more and that’s it.

“I’ll be right back”, he promises and, despite being incredibly pissed, briefly sucks on Jäger’s neck for good measure just so his smile doesn’t fade before untangling their limbs and getting up. On the way out, he pulls on a t-shirt and underwear since he doesn’t feel like digging through their luggage for his sweatpants, takes one set of keys and leaves the house to face his delegation of idiots.

The five recruits have piled up outside the door, the majority visibly uncomfortable.

“Sorry for interrupting, chief”, the Irish lad, Shay, brightly addresses him and gets shushed by the others immediately before continuing much more quietly: “We just wanted to report back.”

“Did anything happen?”, Bandit asks and looks to the only competent one of the bunch, the Russian lurking in the back, always seeming uninterested yet no doubt watching like a hawk out of the corner of his eyes. Bandit probably likes Ivan Ivanovic the most as he has him largely figured out – he’s familiar with the cool façade of nonchalance hiding a sharp mind, while he never has any clue what’s going on in Shay’s, Jojo’s or Gian’s heads. Nor is he particularly curious. And Valenti reminds him too much of Blitz sometimes: an overachiever, someone who fancies himself a leader.

“They had romantic breakfast, so Gian called cops on them”, Ivan Ivanovic replies levelly.

Bandit waits a second to see if they’re joking, but Shay merely nods encouragingly and since he can’t lie for shit, they must be serious. He massages his temples and, to buy time in order to process this revelation, barks at Valenti and Jojo: “If either of you glances at my cock one more time, I’m going to shove it up your ass.”

Both gazes snap up in instant terror and both faces flush a satisfying crimson. Well. He could’ve phrased this better.

“To be quite frank, we were in a state of non-negligible panic”, Gian points out calmly. “An interruption seemed the necessary course of action, yet revealing our presence unwise, so I acted swiftly.”

“It wasn’t that big of a deal anyway”, Jojo cuts in, sensing Bandit’s disbelief, “they turned out to know some of Maestro’s relatives, we think, so they had a pleasant chat and left and were none the wiser.”

“So let me get this straight – you made a false emergency call and are patting yourselves on the back now?”

Valenti opens his mouth to protest yet realises much too late that this is exactly what happened. His sheepish expression soothes some of Bandit’s anger, though it does nothing to improve the situation. “You did say we could use whatever means necessary”, Shay chimes in good-naturedly and Bandit belatedly understands how in the world these five usually land in these kinds of situations.

“Not only did you fucking violate the law, but you also ogled my boyfriend in order to tell me that ultimately nothing happened?”

They exchange uncertain glances until Valenti of all people attempts to appease him: “Well, we figured -”

“Fuck off. Don’t talk to me again unless it’s urgent, and if you miss me so much that you can’t bear living without me yelling at you, text me. Got it?” His razor sharp tone has them all nod and flee into different directions, leaving him to consider just aborting the entire mission.

But no. He has to get revenge.

The infuriating incompetence at least does have a positive side effect – he’s not only awake but also riled up enough to tongue punch Jäger into never-never land, and when he returns to a long body prettily stretched out on the bed, one hand wrapped around a very interested member, he only needs to grit out a turn around to spark a smile full of anticipation.

He still closes the curtains for good measure.

.

When it comes down to it, it’s Jäger’s fault. He fed Bandit genuine laughs, secretive grins and all the attention he could ever ask for whenever he let the other German in on a joke, and over time Bandit got used to it: shenanigans mean admiration, a few stolen kisses here and there, a re-telling both excited and exaggerated, and even pride. Jäger used to be proud of his innovations, all the creative ways in which he terrorised those around him. Therefore, when Bandit changes all of Blitz’ personalised ring tones to – as he finds – fitting alternatives and merely garners a crushing, accusing look together with a devastating sigh, his world view crumbles.

Admittedly, it did take Blitz an entire weekend to set up the system Bandit single-handed destroyed during two afternoons. Admittedly, most of the song choices were in poor taste and some of them genuinely offensive, but that doesn’t make them any less funny, does it? And admittedly, maybe, just maybe choosing Weird Al’s ‘Fat’ for Rook when the Frenchie only recently voiced wanting to lose a few pounds was a tad misguided. Especially when Blitz hadn’t noticed Bandit’s stunt and asked Rook to call him to locate his misplaced phone.

Well. Alright. Maybe he did deserve the tired look Jäger gave him.

But after that? No matter how hard he tried to impress him, how much of a menace he was, he never managed to regain Jäger’s favour. Instead, he got a talk.

Please stop, was the baseline. Don’t play pranks anymore. Focus on other, more constructive activities. Stop wasting all these resources on messing with people.

And so Bandit stopped. Not because Jäger told him, obviously, but without his partner in crime it just wasn’t fun anymore. It took most of his self-discipline not to tamper with Rook’s new shoes – heelies, of all things, it would’ve been child’s play to make him eat shit – and leave Mute’s new jammer prototype alone, despite him forgetting to lock it away one day. God, it could’ve been glorious. Bandit could’ve strapped it onto Diana and declare her a denial of service dog.

But no, he didn’t even want to mess around anymore anyway, and if he stretched towards Jäger’s resulting affection like a sunflower, it merely was a pleasant side effect. If only the others didn’t notice.

Smoke was the first. Out of boredom, he taped the kitchen door shut and texted Bandit about Monika having baked fresh brownies, then recorded him enthusiastically giving himself a black eye, and Bandit couldn’t retaliate. Because that night was going to be the fourth night in a row on which Jäger would pet his hair until he’s asleep which he’d never really done before, and Bandit wasn’t going to let anything get in the way.

Then Mute hacked his phone and literally every link led to fucking Rick Astley and every time Bandit typed ‘I’, his keyboard replaced it with the entire lyrics to the song, and Bandit still couldn’t take revenge because Jäger was in the middle of watching a series together with Bandit despite not being super into it, and he didn’t want to finish it alone.

And when a handful of others got wind of being immune to his wrath, it turned into hell. People openly approached him to criticise the way he led his team during a training exercise, and sure, he did a shite job due to acute laziness, but who does that? Others let him know they appreciated all the extra care he put in during their most recent mission and fucking Christ, if they don’t even stop shy of compliments, he might as well quit because what’s even left of him in that case? Horrifying.

Obviously, he keeps track of every misdeed. Just in case Jäger gets deployed for a few weeks, allowing him to punish all the wrongdoers. Even if he has the feeling he’d be too distracted to really make it count in that case.

But Sledge puts the cherry on top. One day, he pulls Bandit aside and says a few things which are inexcusable. Unforgivable. And thus, Bandit hatches a plan.

.

They have breakfast in a small café together with Smoke and Mute, both of whom immediately expressed the wish to tag along when Bandit mentioned his plans to go on a short holiday to the beautiful Western coast of Italy and who is he to turn down their company (especially when they potentially distract Jäger, allowing him some breathing room)? The Brits share the vacation house next to theirs and Bandit just hopes they didn’t notice the early morning commotion, but then again it seems as if Mute ensured they haven’t noticed much since their arrival.

“I’m going to eat fucking ten of these overpriced cardboard pastries”, he announces mid-chew and chases down the second half of Smoke’s cornetto with a sip of Jäger’s coffee before anyone can stop him.

“Babe”, Smoke tries to gently reason with him and earns a wild glare.

“Don’t ‘babe’ me, not my fault they fold up the footpaths at night, I’m starving.” He gestures to the vaguely horrified-looking waiter to bring more sustenance and finishes Jäger’s latte in one go.

“If I’d stayed up all bloody night high on energy drinks I’d be starving too”, Smoke mutters with a helpless shake of the head which alright, that explains both Mute’s manic restlessness as well as the bags under Smoke’s eyes.

“Are you sure you should be getting more caffeine?”, Bandit wants to know dubiously and realises too late that the young lad’s gaze is worryingly unfocused.

“Huh?”, he makes and it’s obvious he hasn’t been following anyone’s conversation but his own so far. “Bloody hell, if this horrifically sweet stuff is all they eat for breakfast it’s no wonder Seamus is getting fat. I’ll ask whether they have bacon. They must have bacon. Right? Everyone has bacon. Or sausages at least. Fucking cold cuts, anything. Maybe there’s a salt shortage going on in Italy, though the people definitely had more than enough. Bacon.”

The other three stare after him as he makes a beeline towards the poor guy stuck serving them. “I would be salty, too, if some asshole insisted on New York style pizza being better than the original”, Smoke points out drily.

“Is he gonna be alright?” So far, Bandit has witnessed Mute on caffeine overdose (result: the attention span of a squirrel), sleep deprivation (result: endless ideas better suited for a mad scientist, particularly terrifying coming from someone who can actually implement most of them), and excessive hunger (result: an exceedingly sharp tongue plus an infinite supply of irritation), yet never all three together. He has to admit, it’s a sight to behold.

Smoke shrugs. “The crash is gonna be hilarious, no lie. He did tell me he hates energy drinks but didn’t specify why. Had I known, I would’ve put up more of a fight.”

Just as Mute returns triumphantly with an entire plate of fried eggs probably meant for all of them despite him making no move to share, Bandit notices that Jäger has been unusually quiet ever since they’ve left the house – and it’s even odder that he’s just watching Bandit with a small smile. Does he… does he know about his plan? Is he suspecting something? “What?”, Bandit asks defensively.

The smile widens. Uh oh. “Nothing. I’m just happy we’re here.”

Abort mission, abort mission. “Yeah, me too, and isn’t it a shame Elias and Julien have to rot at base without -”

“I was really surprised when you made the suggestion to come here, I would never have expected anything like this from you.”

“Well, we’re here now and we should make a list of everything that’s bad so we can annoy Maestro when we’re -”

“But it’s wonderful. The house is pretty, the beach is gorgeous and the town picturesque. It’s really romantic and I like it here. A lot.”

Bandit just laughs nervously. His face is on fire and he has to get out of this as soon as possible. Maybe he should split up the dumb recruits and have two of them watch him so he can give them a secret signal whenever a situation like this happens because holy shit, this is -

“Even so, you could’ve chosen any place and it would’ve been great, just because you’d be there. Thank you, Dom.”

He’s scarlet. Across the table, Mute is still stuck in the motion of salting his eggs while gaping at the two of them, unaware he’s created a veritable heap crowning one of the yolks by now. Jäger continues to smile at him and there’s no way he can bear another second of this. “I have to take a piss”, he declares loudly before fleeing to the men’s where he sits down on the lid, trying to will away the blood from his cheeks. Maybe coming here was a mistake after all.

To distract himself from the odd sensation in his stomach, he checks his phone and finds a message from Valenti: two lovebirds heading to the water, unsure how to interfere.

Alright. At least he can do something on this front. Once he’s cooled off a little, he returns to Mute nearly dunking half an egg into Smoke’s glass and Jäger observing them with a shit eating grin. “We should go to the beach afterwards”, he suggests and tries his best not to react to the hand straying to his thigh as soon as he’s sat down.

.

It wasn’t pickpocketing per se. Not really, because the odd object was half sticking out of Sledge’s trousers anyway, screaming to be taken. A rectangular box, while not too bulky, definitely not made for being carried around in front pockets for an entire day, and so Bandit merely… relieved the Scotsman of this burden. After all, he might’ve lost it otherwise and who knows how valuable it is. Better keep it safe for him than fill him with panic when he can’t find it and has to retrace his steps.

Bandit can’t deny it came at a pretty fucking opportune time seeing as he’d been obsessing about vengeance for Sledge’s uncalled-for insults, and so he nicked the velvety item without thinking and, as he hopes, without anyone noticing. For once, having to sit next to Sledge during meetings paid off. He’s patient for the rest of the day, carries his prize around without taking a proper look in case anyone catches him, yet when he opens it at home, he blanches.

Oh the possibilities.

For a few seconds, his mind is filled with delicious scenarios, one better than the other: replace the ring with one from a bubblegum dispenser. Replace it with bees. Add a noisemaker which produces a fart sound whenever the box is opened. Superglue it so it can’t be taken out. The more he thinks, the more absurd his ideas become: have it reduced in size. Engrave it with a random name. Coat it in a substance which dyes skin for weeks.

It’s a really tasteful ring. If he’s honest, it’s gorgeous. At the same time, he knows Maestro will flip the fuck out no matter what it looks like because it’s the act that counts, the intention.

Not only that, but Sledge is certain to inspect the entire box with extreme prejudice once he gets it back, and if he identifies any tampering, Bandit is dead meat.

“You dropped this yesterday”, he says the day after and hands the box back.

Sledge, as expected, examines it thoroughly before nodding – he doesn’t even hide it and alright, that’s fair. Given Bandit’s history of messing with him, he wouldn’t even bat an eye at Sledge sending it in to some lab. “Thanks”, he replies, and Bandit isn’t even offended at the astonishment in his voice. “What do you think? Do you like it?”

Relationships really do turn most people into utter fools if Sledge deems it a fruitful idea to ask Bandit for his opinion. Fortunately, he’s very different. He’d never change himself just because of Jäger or fall into the trap of hopeless, helpless infatuation. He’s always in control. “It’d be way too small for me”, he shoots back, unimpressed, “but hey, you measured it, so I’m sure Maestro will love his new cock ring.”

The genuine laugh he gets in return tells him that Sledge really has it bad. “I’m planning to propose to him on our trip to Italy next month”, he foolishly divulges and Bandit’s eyebrows shoot up.

“Oh?”, he prompts politely. “Tell me more.”

.

If looks could kill, Bandit would’ve dropped dead the instant Sledge catches sight of him. He would’ve spontaneously combusted and his ashes been blown away by the wind, because the Scotsman must know instantly that he’s up to something, judging by how the sun itself darkens along with his mood. He’s stretched out on a towel on the beautiful fine-grained white sand, shielded from the harsh sunlight by a large parasol and ready to wring Bandit’s neck.

“What? How?”, Mute is still going on, not having recovered from this remarkable coincidence. “It’s impossible that we end up in the same vacation spot by pure chance!”

“Yes”, Sledge grits out. “Impossible.”

“Adriano recommended this place to us”, Smoke jumps in and Bandit owes him so many drinks, “and I thought you were gonna visit his family?” Some of Sledge’s suspicion fades, even if Jäger throws Bandit a curious glance. He still needs to be careful, so he keeps quiet.

“This… isn’t a set-up? You’re not up to anything?”, Sledge wants to know accusingly and Bandit just snorts.

“Of course not, as if I didn’t have anything better to do in my free time. Are you getting paranoid?”

Sledge looks like he has a few choice words to say, but when Maestro joins them, his attention snaps to him like metal to a magnet – not like Bandit could blame him, not with the Italian’s tan skin glistening all over and his dangerously short swimming trunks clinging to his body. Bandit takes note of this: should he ever need to divert the Scot’s attention, he merely needs to dump some water over his boyfriend.

“Amici miei! What a wonderful surprise, how great to see you!”, Maestro greets them warmly and smooches their cheeks, in the process getting all of them wet, and then turns to where Mute is chasing seagulls while screeching along with them. “What, uh, what happened with my cucciolo?”

“He’ll tire himself out”, Smoke assures him with a sigh.

“How do you like it here? I will show you everything! Isn’t it such a fortunate coincidence, cioccolatino?”

“Marvellous”, says Sledge.

“We can spend all our time together and I will teach you the most important phrases!”

And while the Scotsman looks like he bit into a lemon, Mute rushes over to detail all the sand castles he’ll build.

.

No more than five minutes later, the youngest Brit is already conked out and snoring softly on the very towel Sledge had occupied previously, and when he seems to be wholly unperturbed by the others talking around him, they set up their own beach equipment and share their experiences and impressions of Maestro’s home country. He seems genuinely delighted over their presence, unlike Sledge, and generously shares anecdotes about this particular holiday favourite. Normally, Bandit would rather chew off his own leg than allow the Italian to chew off his ear, but Jäger’s holding his hand and so he really has no other choice. Besides, his lover seems stoked over the opportunity to ask about everything local and his enthusiasm is contagious. At least a little bit.

Eventually, the group breaks up a little, with Sledge announcing his intention to go for a walk along the beach with Maestro, and Jäger urging Bandit to go swimming as well. He shoots Ivan Ivanovic a message about keeping an eye on the unlikely couple and interrupting them should the atmosphere become a little too amorous, and notices a text from Rook: the Frenchman seems to be making the most out of being stuck in Hereford and challenges the holidaymakers in a group chat to snap the best ‘out of context’ selfie they can. Attached is a peace-signing Rook in the foreground, with a half-naked Buck getting his chest hair shaved behind him, looking not at all amused with a doubled-over Valkyrie.

Half a minute later, Blitz contributes by sending a photo of him giving a cheery thumbs-up, while Rook in the background is apparently getting yelled at by a half-shaven Buck. Days since the last superglue accident: 0, Blitz adds.

Bandit, despite being highly entertained, silently vows to upstage him, upstage all of them really, even if he hasn’t figured out how yet.

“At least he’s prepared if he wants to compete with Meghan in the pool again”, Jäger comments good-naturedly, following the chat on his own phone. He turns around to photograph himself grinning while also capturing Smoke drawing a dick on his boyfriend’s unconscious body with sun cream. “You guys are cute”, he adds inexplicably.

Smoke takes one look at the drooling man haphazardly flung onto the fabric, shirt riding up enough to expose a canvas for him to abuse, and nods. “I’ve never loved another human being more”, he responds gravely and adds a few cum spurts shooting from the tip.

“Give the balls some hair too”, Jäger suggests sweetly before dragging Bandit off towards the splashing waves.

The hot sand burns their soles, so they awkwardly skip towards the sea, tackling each other once they’re largely submerged and nearly lose the beach ball they brought. Bandit supposes it’s a bad time to mention how he never really liked going on holiday, figures it’s usually more effort than it’s worth, and hanging around at the beach all day not having anything to do seems like a massive waste of time – but since his presence here has purpose and the cogs in his head never stop turning, it’s actually not that bad. He keeps one eye on the couple strolling along the beautiful shore, almost far enough away that he can’t see them anymore, and focuses the rest of his attention on Jäger.

Because dear God.

He belatedly understands Sledge’s distraction upon seeing his boyfriend emerge from the sea, cheeks rosy, rivulets running down exposed skin, playful smile plastered on his face and -

- and there’s an entire pack of dogs swarming Sledge and Maestro in the distance.

Bandit stares because what else is there to do? It looks as if all stray dogs from the region had assembled to circle the two, jump up and apparently try to slobber all over them, and while his brain is still trying to process the view, he gets thwacked in the head full force by the beach ball, losing his footing in the process.

He’s still coughing up salt water as Jäger drags him towards the sand, unsuccessfully trying to stifle his laughter and apologising simultaneously. He should be more upset, seeing as not only did the recruits choose one of the flashiest ways of bothering Sledge again, but also he’s got a headache now and his lungs are burning, he will probably end up with a nasty sunburn on his scalp as he refuses to wear any kind of hat, keeps stepping on sharp seashells, hates the way sun lotion feels on his skin and despises the taste of tangy water – but when they trip and fall, and his field of vision is filled with nothing but Jäger, and his lover smiles and quietly asks whether he needs CPR, and when there’s warm lips on his own cool ones, none of it really seems that dramatic.

.

Mute is awake and has aged by ten years as they return, but at least he seems to have mellowed out considerably – even though he doesn’t look at all amused with the jellyfish Smoke keeps lining up next to their shadowy spot. “Can someone tell him that sleeping for sixteen hours is a worthwhile activity?”, Mute sighs, massaging his temples.

“If I hadn’t sent you out to get some food, you wouldn’t have let me sleep last night either, babe. Stay up till evening and reset your sleep schedule.”

“I’ll reset your fucking schedule if you don’t stop with these stupid gelatine blobs. We’re not taking one home and that’s final.”

“Glad to see everyone else also enjoying their holiday!”, Jäger pipes up cheerfully while towelling himself dry. “But what happened to you two?”

Sledge, sipping what looks suspiciously like coffee instead of his usual tea, glances down at his scratched up legs, at Maestro’s paw print covered loafers as well as the general dirt smeared over them, and replies flatly: “We’ve gone to the dogs.”

“This has been a really odd trip so far”, Maestro adds, “the first evening we couldn’t turn off any of the lights in our house though they switched off by themselves some time during the night. Just this morning, we were approached by policemen about allegedly causing a disturbance even though I’m fairly sure we had the curtains closed the entire time -”

“He’s referring to the fact that he likes to sleep naked”, Sledge hastens to explain due to several pairs of eyebrows shooting up at this comment.

“Then someone threw a few Playboy magazines through the letter slot, and just now we became an irresistible attraction for the local wildlife.”

“It’s almost as if someone was up to something.”

And while the others continue discussing these odd and unfortunate turns of events, Bandit pretends he missed Sledge’s meaningful comment.

“I think I’ve got sunburn on my hands”, Smoke mutters to himself as Jäger and Maestro encourage each other to come up with the most complicated conspiracy theory which would explain all that’s happened to the happy couple, with Sledge merely shaking his head. “They’re pretty red.”

“Why don’t you tell me about your collection”, Mute prompts tiredly and indicates the shrivelling, dead creatures by Smoke’s feet.

“You see, most of them are just see-through slime, but this one is real pretty. Looks like an omelette almost, don’t you think, babe?”

Mute blinks slowly. “Go and buy some vinegar with Adriano, will you? Doesn’t matter what kind, and don’t ask.”

The suggestion makes most of them spring into action as Jäger was considering heading out for lunch anyway, yet he lingers when everyone but Mute and Bandit trail after a happily bubbling Maestro. “Don’t you think it’s weird that all these things happen to the two of them?”, he asks and it takes all of Bandit’s willpower and focus not to smirk. “You’re not up to anything, are you?”

“Of course not”, he promises as sincerely as decades of professional lying allow it, and sends his boyfriend off with a kiss to his nose.

Once he’s out of earshot, Mute mumbles: “You’re absolutely up to something, aren’t you?”

“Of course I am”, he scoffs and blames it on the energy drinks that it took Mute this long to realise.

“It’s a fucking fried egg jellyfish”, Mute explains without being prompted. “Nothing serious, but the bloody idiot is probably gonna feel it for a few days.”

“Why didn’t you tell him?”

“And have him start early with asking me to piss on his hands? No thank you.”

.

~*~

.

“To be fair”, Valenti, the little fucker, tries to justify himself, “you didn’t say not to use perfume bombs.”

The effects of just 24 hours of Italian air are noticeable on the five recruits: Valenti has gotten even cockier than usual and revels in the warm weather, Shay has turned a lovely shade of lobster red, Jojo has bought a new wardrobe and, remarkably, looks just as fashionable as Maestro, Gian is distracted by everything and anything around him, visibly enjoying himself and writing novellas into his notebook, and even Ivan Ivanovic is smiling. If only Bandit himself felt the soothing touch of the country, he probably wouldn’t be this close to shaking some sense into the confident tiny Frenchman.

“You’re extremely lucky Seamus isn’t into crossdressing or any of that shite, because his soon-to-be fiancé smelling of several whorehouses at once caters pretty well to these fantasies and would’ve set him off, and then you’d have to keep two randy lovebirds apart and not just two sappy ones.”

“How do you know that’d happen?”, Jojo chimes up curiously.

The five of them are eating ice cream while sitting on the stone balustrade separating the promenade from the beach below and Bandit develops the sudden urge to toss the other German off it. “Look”, he starts and immediately gets interrupted by Shay smushing his face into his chocolate ice and Gian starting to giggle uncontrollably.

“The hell are you doing?”, Valenti wants to know, aghast, and rolls his eyes at Ivan’s reply: “I told him milk good for sunburn. Takes off heat.”

“I do feel much better already!”

Jojo grabs the cone out of the Irishman’s hand and sticks it against Shay’s forehead. “Shame you’re not called Shaun because now you’d be a uni-shaun.” Without any hesitation, he leans in and starts licking the ice cream off of Shay’s cheek, causing him to squeal and wield his damaged cone like a weapon and mere seconds later, they’re having a lightsaber fight in the middle of the fortunately empty street, with Valenti acting as referee.

Bandit’s earlier headache is starting to come back, and this time he’s sure it’s not related to heat stroke.

“Like children”, Ivan comments. He’s still got that smile on his face.

“Regardless of how we might achieve the goal you set for us”, Gian addresses Bandit, “our reward remains unclaimed. You’re confident you can procure it?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll get you what you want, provided you guys keep your end of the -” And then he’s cut off by a screaming Shay colliding with him full force, sending him stumbling and dangerously close to the low banister but not yet over – though when he tries to turn and yell, Jojo joins the dogpile and sends them flying.

.

Jäger looks fucking gorgeous when Bandit returns to their cottage, shorts and boots really hitting the spot and if he complains about having forgotten lighter shoes one more time, Bandit is going to show him just what he thinks of his outfit by having him keep it on as he blows both him and his mind. Thoughts like this one have become second nature and he’s still not entirely sure how.

“Don’t touch me, I need a shower”, he warns his lover before he can wrap around Bandit the way he usually does, no matter how long he’s been gone, “I’ve got sand everywhere, even up my arse crack.”

“What did you do?”

“Slipped and fell on the beach. And other people might’ve also slipped and fallen on me.”

“Odd. Seamus had ice cream tossed at him from inside a bush.”

“Huh. Did he find out by whom?”

“It was a thorn bush, so he stayed away from it.” Yikes. Bandit feels like his conscience shouldn’t be as clear as it is, but on the other hand he’s largely paying for their trip. So if he gets free entertainment out of it, he’s not going to complain. “Look, Elias and Julien sent another selfie.”

On screen, the happy couple is smooching in front of Echo sleeping on one of the workshop tables, with a variety of objects stacked on top of him in an impressive display of balancing skills. Next to him, Dokkaebi is showcasing a veritably demonic grin, much to Hibana’s concern. “Cute”, Bandit comments sarcastically yet it seems Jäger takes him at face value.

“Right? I still don’t understand why you kept gagging next to them when they were freshly together. They’re so good for each other.”

And he’s never understood how Jäger can support kitsch on four legs this openly. “This might come as a shock to you, but I’m not really the romantic type.”

The knowing smirk following his statement is what drives him away, ears burning, and it’s still adorning soft lips when Jäger joins him in the shower a few minutes later.

.

~*~

.

“Mutiny”, Bandit repeats after a grave-looking Jojo. “Are you taking the fucking piss?”

“We’ve spent almost three days of constant surveillance, spontaneous action, consistent communication as well as doing a remarkably good job, if I may say so”, Valenti jumps in, eager to support his mate, “and you’ve not met your end of the deal.”

They’re huddled behind the very stone balustrade which has painted Bandit’s back a hideous shade of yellowish-green due to an acute case of getting bodychecked over it, and he’s beginning to feel like a repeat performance is preferable over dealing with these numbskulls. “My end of the deal?”, he parrots in disbelief. “I’ve paid for your fucking vacation, you ungrateful little shits, and all you’ve done is ruin their holiday.”

“I wouldn’t go that far -”

“Well I fucking would. You nearly gave Seamus food poisoning, caused him to fall into the sea, harassed him with prank calls which weren’t even remotely funny -”

“Billy’s roadkill diner – you kill ‘em, we grill ‘em”, Shay interjects cheerily, earning a snort and an addition from Jojo: “You frag ‘em, we bag ‘em!”

“- and you even egged Maestro’s favourite shirt.”

“That was little funny”, Ivan Ivanovic butts in, and alright, the string of expletives exploding out of the hot-blooded Italian was admittedly hilarious, especially when even Sledge seemed genuinely scandalised over some of them.

Still, he’s understood by now that engaging any of the clowns leads to madness, so he simply keeps talking. “Besides, what the fuck do you want me to do about a Scot who flat out refuses to take off his shirt at the beach? I can hardly go and undress him, can I?”

“You could show creativity, like we have. Aren’t you supposed to be resourceful?”

If this had come from anyone but the Russian, Bandit might’ve slapped some sense into them, yet this gives him pause. “I mean – I tried, but he wouldn’t budge. Why is this so fucking important to you anyway, are you that bloody horny?”

Jojo looks ready to hold an entire speech as to why it’s crucial for mankind’s survival that they witness the buff Scotsman shed his shirt, but fortunately it’s Gian who speaks up instead: “I cannot help but feel your heart is not in this endeavour.” How fucking dare he. “You informed us of your wish to exert revenge, yet your glee has been muted, your undertakings half-hearted and your satisfaction with our actions astonishingly low.”

Bullshit. Bandit enjoyed watching the one guy suffer who usually throws wrenches into his plans, who reprimands him constantly and sabotages his pranks – it was extremely satisfying, he enjoyed it so much that he’d say it was the best part of his holiday so far.

…he would say that, wouldn’t he? And simultaneously know he’d be wrong.

Because his focus really wasn’t on Sledge, and with passed time it’s gotten harder and harder for Bandit to remind himself of why Sledge’s words stung so much. Why what he said sent Bandit into a white hot fit of rage.

Five pairs of eyes are staring at him expectantly. They might’ve gone about it arseways, but they did indeed accomplish what he asked of them, to the best of their capabilities. They even managed not to get caught, and while there��s no doubt someone is up to something, no one has been able to prove it was Bandit, even if Sledge, Smoke and Mute continuously side-eye him.

Maybe he should call the whole thing off after all and enjoy what’s left of his holiday.

“Give me a minute”, he asks and thankfully, all of them nod. When it comes down to it, they’ve proven reliable in the way a thunderstorm is – no way of telling when the next lightning strikes, but thunder always follows. Besides, now that they’ve overcome their terror of speaking with him, their natural banter reminds him of the familial atmosphere of his own team. Fuck. He’s starting not to mind them, even if they look like vaguely reverent meerkats staring up at him for any kind of signal as he paces back and forth next to them.

This is when he spots Sledge and Maestro, a short distance away from where Jäger, Smoke and Mute are building a proper sand fort: they’re holding hands, facing each other and seem to be deeply moved and fucking shite, it’s the perfect atmosphere with the gentle sea retreating in low tide behind them, the sun sliding lower and lower and flooding the beach in a warm, orange light. Sledge is gonna go down on one knee any second now and Bandit has no way of stopping them.

Shay must’ve noticed the horror in his expression as he peeks over the banister and immediately rips open Valenti’s backpack. “Code red”, he announces more professionally than he’s ever sounded in his entire career, stands up and -

And lobs a water balloon at the two lovebirds. A water balloon which bursts upon impact with Sledge’s broad chest, no doubt interrupting their little moment. A water balloon filled with neon yellow paint.

There’s a second of perfect silence.

Then Shay throws a second one.

In an impressive demonstration of his skills, Sledge catches it without it detonating in his hands and hurls it back full force, a detail the other four recruits quite obviously missed as they rise to get a better look, and when the second paint bomb explodes on the balustrade in front of them, literally all five end up coated in hot pink, with Bandit only suffering a light dose.

Well. That could’ve gone better. For another brief moment, the spattered recruits, Bandit, and the eye-wateringly yellow couple stare at each other.

“You fuckers”, Maestro then screams, and Sledge yells: “Dom, you little prick!” And the recruits and Bandit exchange a single glance before individually coming to the conclusion that an escape is in order. Especially when the two star-crossed lovers start running.

Shay shrieks like a little girl, Ivan takes a brief moment to wipe some of the paint off Valenti’s eyes with the inside of his shirt, and Jojo is already halfway down the street. Bandit is in great company. Gian nearly gets run over by a scooter and apologises in fluid Italian, Bandit slides over the hood of an expensive-looking car and leaves behind frankly hideous pink streaks, and Ivan seems to consider scaling the nearest building while Valenti is still coughing up paint. Shay trips and gets dragged along by Gian, and together the six of them scramble their way through the picturesque seaside town, garnering more than a few odd looks from the locals.

“Whose fucking idea was this?!”, Bandit wants to know and struggles to make it up the steep stairs to another busy road, though he does appreciate Ivan lending him a hand eventually.

“I didn’t think he’d catch it”, Valenti admits between breaths.

“He played fucking rugby, you moron!”

“May I suggest postponing this argument and instead focusing on the task at hand?”

“This colour actually suits you, Jojo, did you know?”

“Let us make left here, come on.”

“Jesus fucking Christ”, Bandit mumbles to himself though he can’t curse away the rush of endorphins in his system – he’s started to become complacent, and though Jäger will no doubt be disappointed in him, he’s missed this, the chaos, the knowledge of doing something forbidden, the guilty laughter bursting out of them now and then as they weave their way through alleys and between cars. He wastes no thought on what’s going to happen once they’ve successfully evaded their pursuers, right now he’s preoccupied with feeling the wind in his hair, jumping obstacles, running with the pack, rushing around corners and -

And apparently colliding with what feels like a brick wall. Something that doesn’t look like one though. Because it’s neon yellow.

“I will fucking castrate you and shove your own balls so far up your ass you’ll be able to taste them”, Maestro growls while Sledge causes another pile-up next to him by letting the recruits bounce off him easily.

It seems like this is it.

“How on earth are you so fast?”, Shay wants to know with wide eyes as the five of them take turns shoving each other to the front to face the Scotsman glaring daggers.

“Shouldn’t have let the one guy among you with no sense of direction lead”, Sledge explains. All eyes slide over to Jojo whose face starts matching the paint he’s covered in.

“Who’s the ringleader here?”, Maestro demands to know. All eyes slide back over to Bandit.

“It was a group effort?”, he tries.

“Will you let us live if we tell you?” Hell, he really should’ve gotten rid of this French gremlin sooner. A single nod from Sledge, and now five fingers are pointing at Bandit.

“Look”, he begins and gets interrupted by being slammed into the wall next to him, and it’ll be a miracle if the furious Italian lets him get away with mere bruises, though fortunately a hand on Maestro’s arm stops him.

“Adrianito. Let him go.” Sledge’s intervention is welcome yet Bandit’s relief short-lived when the two of them part to reveal the rest of their group: Mute and Smoke who are only missing popcorn, judging by the unadulterated amusement in their expressions – and Jäger.

A very unimpressed-looking Jäger. This is worse than a few bruises. He pushes to the front, brow raised and demeanour so calm it instils paralysing fear. For the first time ever since they came here, there’s not even a hint of a smile on his lips and it does unpleasant things to Bandit’s insides. He wasn’t meant to prank anyone, let alone follow Sledge and Maestro like this just to terrorise them. Whatever will come out of his lover’s mouth next is sure to be devastating.

“What were you doing?”, Jäger asks quietly. So far, so good. Around them, everyone seems to be holding their breath.

It’s the perfect opportunity. Seeing as Bandit won’t be able to interfere anymore after this, he could mention his plan off-handedly, complete his revenge by spoiling the surprise waiting in Sledge’s pocket. He can see it in Sledge’s eyes that he knows it too: a few words, and he’d be forced to show the ring, do it all on Bandit’s terms. He holds power over the Scot he never thought possible, and even if he doesn’t ruin his proposal right now, he could use it as an excellent source of blackmail later. The idea of Sledge having to do whatever he wants is more than enticing. “Annoying the hell out of him”, he replies, buying himself time. Sledge’s hazel eyes are boring into his.

Jäger just shakes his head a little. “And, what, were you planning on following them to his parent’s place too?”

Maestro senses his hesitation and though he hasn’t overcome his animosity, he doesn’t leave Bandit in the dark: “My mamma invited us for a family reunion. We’re leaving tomorrow morning and spending the rest of the week with my family.”

Oh. He didn’t know this, their plans must’ve changed since he talked to Sledge about their vacation. It’d be lovely. He pictures it, Sledge kneeling down, surrounded by Maestro’s relatives, all of them freaking out and cooing over them. It sounds heart-warming. And he could destroy it with a single sentence. If he doesn’t do it now, the two will be gone tomorrow and he’ll have missed his chance.

“Well”, he says. Jäger looks ready to cross his arms. “I hope you two have a great time.”

And Sledge gets it. His smile speaks volumes, he relaxes and even graces Bandit with a slight nod. Despite how much they clash the rest of the time, Bandit doesn’t want to do this to him, not like this. There are other methods he can employ without messing with Sledge’s love life and potentially ruin what could’ve been a wonderful memory.

Even so, he’s not out of the shite yet, there are still five recruits looking like they’re going to be gutted any second now, a seething Italian just waiting for his signal to rip them apart, and Jäger. So far, he’s not done one of his sighs. There is hope.

“Why did you do all this?”, he wants to know and Bandit realises something belatedly: namely just how truly fucked he is. Conveniently forgetting about this little detail, he pushed it to the back of his mind, merely holding on to his rage about Sledge’s words yet ignoring their content. His gaze snaps to Sledge and oh boy, how the tables have turned.

.

You’ve been behaving well recently, Sledge said to him that fateful day Bandit swore revenge at all costs. It’s Marius’ influence, isn’t it?

Bandit grumbled a little, waved him off, tried to change the topic but Sledge wasn’t having any of it: Have you told him you love him?

And fucking Christ, how presumptuous could any one person be? Not only wasn’t it his business, but also was he plain wrong. One fact Bandit had accepted long ago was that he cared about no one but himself. His life was littered with selfish decisions, no matter how much he tried to care, tried to hold on. Ultimately, the only one he ever protected was himself. He said something along those lines, unusually earnest with his nemesis, and felt more than just irritation rise in him when he received the response: Stop running from him and ask him to move in with you.

Preposterous. Frankly insulting. And Bandit silently vowed to have Sledge’s head for this.

.

“Oh well, who cares, just yell at me and let’s move on, alright?”, he hastens to change the topic and doesn’t miss Sledge’s grin amid everyone’s bewilderment.

Jäger doesn’t seem happy with this answer. “What do you mean? You can’t tell me there was no reason for you to pull this shite.”

“He pissed me off, I wanted revenge, here we are, now let’s stop dwelling on the past and -”

“What did you do?”, his boyfriend turns to the Scotsman in question, fuelling Bandit’s panic.

“Don’t ask him, he probably doesn’t even -”

“Be quiet. If you won’t give me an answer, Dom, let him.”

This is bad. Bandit’s and Sledge’s eyes meet and he’s well aware to be completely at his mercy – and he doesn’t harbour much hope, not after the past three days of constant torment, not after he very nearly spoiled their holiday. The recruits are holding their breath, neither of them fully aware of what’s going on but Bandit knows they treat the members of Rainbow like celebrities, so it must be exciting for them to witness drama like this up close. Smoke and Mute are following the conversation silently, gazes darting back and forth like in a tennis match, and Bandit wouldn’t be surprised if they’d placed bets on the outcome. Maestro has postponed his fury, though he’s clearly waiting for his time to lay into pretty much anyone involved.

Sledge seems to have made a decision and there’s no way in hell he’s not disclosing Bandit’s innermost thoughts to the world. He simply has to take this opportunity to humiliate him, uncover the secret he carries in his heart, waiting for the perfect moment to reveal it. He fixes Bandit with a level stare and says: “I insulted his bike.”

A beat.

Oh, thinks Bandit.

“You did what?!” And suddenly, Jäger’s composure has vanished. “How dare you! It’s a piece of art!”

Like a real trooper, Sledge keeps it up. “I called it a death trap waiting to happen and the decals juvenile.”

“Luce dei miei occhi, you can’t be serious!” Unbelievably, even Maestro looks offended. “It has fire, spirit, passion – that motorcycle has a soul, who are you to call it names!”

“I bet you’ve never even ridden it, it sounds like a large cat purring”, Smoke chimes in as well now, and all of a sudden, nearly everyone is directing their ire at Sledge who admittedly takes it like a champ. It’s a miracle. And Bandit instantly forgives him everything he’s ever done, from uncovering his candy related Ponzi scheme which not only involved Rainbow’s recruits but even spread to the SAS ones, to winning against him in hand to hand literally every time. He can’t believe it, merely gapes at the outrage directed at Sledge of all people and vows to try and never cross the Scot again.

Even so, there’s something he still has to do. “We need to talk”, he quietly informs the very upset Jäger and gently drags him a few steps away from the loudly arguing group, ignoring Mute’s encouraging about time! and Smoke’s meaningful wink. For some reason it seems that pretty much all people present know more about Bandit’s emotions than he does, and though he should find this fact concerning, his mind is currently trying to wrap around what he’s about to say. It’s been a while since this particular phrase has left his mouth, indubitably much too long. He doesn’t use it nearly enough and is painfully aware, so now’s his chance.

He takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”

Jäger simply blinks at him. “What for?”

Now it’s Bandit’s turn to be gobsmacked. “Wha – for doing all this behind your back. For not listening to you. For almost ruining this holiday.”

His lover softens and shakes his head with a smile. “Dom. I knew you were up to something. I may be horribly in love, but that doesn’t mean I’m blind.” Bandit almost chokes on nothing. He what. “It was never about the stupid pranks, it was about them getting so elaborate that we spent less and less time together. I’m fine with you doing whatever as long as you pay enough attention to me. Which you have in the past days. I’m really happy with this vacation – and besides, you’re adorable when you’re shifty.”

Closing his mouth seems impossible at this point. “You – I’m -”

“We’re staying here for the rest of the week, right? So let’s make the most of it.”

The friendly, unguarded smile is killing him. Killing him. How can Jäger say – how can he stand there and just – it’s impossible, and his face is on fire yet again, and maybe, just maybe Sledge was spot on with what he said. He should stop running. For now, he merely nods, disarmed, and avoids Jäger’s much too intense gaze. There’s so much he still has to tell him, but it can wait. He doesn’t think there’ll be a shortage of romantic moments any time soon.

Looking towards the others, there’s at least one battle he can win. Maestro has switched to yelling at the poor recruits and doesn’t seem to notice anything else, so Bandit calls: “Seamus! Could you take your shirt off for me?”

.

The selfie Bandit posts in the group a minute later has him and Jäger in the foreground, lips touching and both ears crimson, but the background is pandemonium. A neon yellow Maestro is giving the splattered recruits a well-deserved bollocking, though neither of the five seems to be listening – instead, they’re staring over Maestro’s shoulder, eyes wide and transfixed on a shirtless Sledge who seems ready to humour anyone (probably courtesy of the fact that Bandit will leave him alone from now on) and is flexing for their benefit as well as showing off suspicious scratch marks and bruises all over his chiselled torso. Next to him, Mute has donned Sledge’s paint-soaked shirt and dragged his fingers through the viscous liquid to write TWAT on the bandages around Smoke’s hands, both of them beaming into the camera while making obscene gestures.

Blitz’ reply summarises the scene quite aptly: wtf, he writes and adds a row of appropriately dumbstruck emoji. Are those our recruits??

You guys are cute, is Rook’s contribution and for once, Bandit wholeheartedly agrees. And while he holds on to Jäger’s slim form, ignoring the chaos next to them and grinning at his lover’s suggestion of involving him in future plans so they can kill two birds with one stone, he decides to let the recruits enjoy the rest of their holiday unbothered.

After all, everyone deserves a bit of peace and quiet now and then. And it just so happens that he’s currently embracing his own.

[the-lady-bryan]

Weird Dream - 11/26/2019 - “Ryan Reynolds will fucking KILL GOD if he has to be Green Lantern again.”

So...... this is a bit of a weird one. I overdid it yesterday and exhausted myself. Add to this a cocktail of cold/flu meds, my normal pain meds, and a garlic burger from steak-n-shake with a strawberry-banana shake not long before bed and this is what you get.

So I was part of a film crew. I have no fucking clue what my job was. But I had to be on set like, all the damn time.

And we were on location near where I lived.

Ryan Reynolds and his wife were having another baby and Ryan was like "I guess I should do some actual work for a while" and that was why he was in the movie. It was a superhero movie, but nothing related to Marvel or DC. But like, Ryan wasn't the main star of the movie because in his words, "The costumes are too damn much like Green Lantern. I will kill God before I'll put on green screen capture spandex again." and I'm like "okay, fair enough. So.... should we tell Matthew Lillard he's got the leading male role then?"

So, Matthew Lillard was the leading male in the movie. He was pretty cool, and totally rolled with the Shaggy God meme. It was awesome. But he's not the main character of my dream. Me, Ryan Reynolds, this other guy who everyone called "Brian" but his name was some foreign name literally nobody could pronounce so the dude literally just picked a random name off a bookshelf and said to call him that, and this woman named Vivi - who was playing Ryan's girlfriend in the movie but she was like “yeah, my wife ordered me to get his autograph or don’t bother coming home like, ever” kind of attitude towards the entire ordeal - we were the main people in the dream.

So Ryan, Vivi, and Brian's hotel reservations were shot to hell and since we were going to be in town for only like a week, I was like "we got extra rooms at my family's house. Y'all could stay there. I'll call my husband and let him know to prep three guest rooms." So that happens. Husband, son, and my mom are off somewhere else, but there's three rooms prepped for the three guests.

So after a few days we get the filming done, and we're all just chilling at this restaurant in my hometown and everyone's having a good time. And then I get this call and go outside to take it and while I'm out there I hear screaming and shit and like a dumbass I go and investigate.

And there's these people dressed in like, better versions of the movie's hero costumes, and there's this monster looming over their dead bodies and I'm like "nope." and I'm about to nope out of there when this green bracelet shoots off from one of the bodies and the dude ends up in regular street clothes and my brain goes "FUCK FUCK FUCK NO! I'D RATHER KILL GOD!" and I try to run from it but it snaps on my wrist and suddenly I'm in like this badass green costume and I'm fucking powerful as hell. And I have this weapon. It's basically just a chain with a hook on the end. And that's when I realize I'm a dude because damn there's no room in this damn hero costume and i can totally sympathize with a lot of the guys during filming now. Anyway, so this monster's gonna beat my ass and I'm trying to run away because I'm not gonna fight this fucker if it killed some other people with whatever it was I had now. But I end up having to fight it and I kill it. And it turns back into a person and I recognize the person as some girl I went to school with. And this ring slips off her finger and darts off into the dark.

And that's when I see a flash from nearby and turn and there's Ryan, Vivi, and Brian. And Brian's got his phone out and had just taken a picture and I'm like "guys, i honestly can't explain this shit" and Ryan's like "Fuck me. You're a goddamn superhero. A real god damn superhero."

And I'm like "I'm really not. I don't know what the fuck is going on." And then I'm like "how the fuck do I get out of this thing? Is it like, do I just think about it? Do I say a magic word? Do I just take the mask off? Or is this like, a Power Rangers thing where I can take off the mask and still be in the suit but to get out of it I literally have to say Power Down or some shit?" and as I'm saying Power Down, that's exactly what fucking happens and I'm like "great. I'm some weird ass power ranger meets green lantern shit."

So I take the other three to the other bodies of the dead hero people and they're just.... gone. And I'm like "but y'all saw the monster, right?" and Ryan's like "None of you slipped acid in my beer right because if you did you need to tell me now." and i'm like "fuck this i'm going home." so we all go back to my place up the hill from the main road in town.

I ended up waking up and having to deal with my kid for something and then I went right back to bed.

When I dropped back into dreamland, I had just missed the train, and the plane, and the bus, and the blimp that the rest of the film crew were using and the boat we all arrived on to wherever this was had already left and i'm like "fuck me. i'll never make it to california with everyone" and then i see Vivi and she's like "oh, there's a small charter plane leaving soon. you can ride with us." and lo and behold, when i board the charter plane with Vivi, there's Brian and Ryan and some other people from the film crew's special effects team.

I call my husband to let him know what happened and he's insisting he sends the private jet out to me and i'm like "Babe. Baby no. You don't need to send the jet. I'm fine. I got a ride with some friends. It'll be fine." and everyone else is snickering and joking around and laughing at me, until i'm like "yes, I KNOW you have more money to throw around than Tony Stark but fucking hell babe you don't need to send the goddamn jet! No I will NOT tell you which fucking airport it is!" and "I swear to god if you fly the fucker yourself I'll rip your spine out through your throat and feed it to Fluffy!" and that shuts him up and the others as well. and when I get off the phone Vivi's like "Fluffy?" and I'm like "our super fucking massive caucasian mountain dog. i mean, it was at the house when y'all were there. how did you not see it?" and Brian's like "i thought that was a fucking BEAR!" which causes everyone to laugh. and then Ryan's like "y....your married to the only guy richer than Tony fucking Stark and you never bothered to tell anyone?!" and i'm like "well, yeah." and Ryan's like "i don't feel so bad about stealing your really nice towels now."

we never make it to california because the plane crashes, but i manage to save myself, Brian, Ryan, and Vivi with my superpowers. Though we do get banged up a bit after crashing into a small town storefront. and Ryan's like "no. No, don't send the private jet with the jacuzzi tub and the strippers and the warm towels. i'll just take THE RICKETY FUCKING CHARTER PLANE!" and i'm like "IT WAS A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME!"

So my phone's broken. no one else has service. and there's like, a major emergency situation going on outside the plane crash itself and there's another of those fucking monsters and i have no control over powering up. it just sort of happens. and then i fight the monster. and i'm getting pretty good at this.

so i hack the thing's head off, and it turns back into a human head and so does the body and the necklace it was wearing shoots to Ryan and he's like "no! NO NO NO NO NO! FUCK!" and he gets this bright neon pink suit like mine and it's got a miniskirt instead of pants/leggings like mine does and i'm laughing my ass off at him. but he has this massive fucking sword that's practically bigger than he is. And he's got this fucking tiara, too. and it's just so hilarious but at the same time he totally manages to pull this costume off.

And we end up powering down and exploring this place mainly to find a working phone. but as we explore we find that more and more we're fighting monsters. like, lesser monsters than the ones with these weird power accessories.

we end up coming up on a boss fight situation and rescue this one woman from a big ass monster and ryan manages to cut the thing's ear off which reverts it back to a human and this earring comes off and flies over to the woman we just saved and she ends up in this golden armor suit like our's with like, a roman soldier's skirt thing. anyway, she thanks us for rescuing her and it turns out she's a princess from an alternate dimension that's been bleeding over into our own. and these accessories that have been giving me and ryan powers and turning people into monsters are part of a collection of items belonging to the queen of her kingdom in this alternate dimension and when worn they bring out the wearer's inner self, be it good or bad. and the only way to stop it is to remove the object, but in doing so it kills the wearer.

and Ryan's like "so my inner self loves neon pink and wants to wear a mini skirt. okay. sure. fine. this day can't get any weirder anyway. but at least i'm not in CGI green spandex." and i'm like "you're never going to let that one go, are you?" and he's like "no. my dying breath will be a complaint about that damn movie and i'm going to keep flogging that dead horse until it's nothing but mush, and then i'll stomp it like a barrell of grapes turned to fine wine. but this wine will be bitter and foul and will kill anything it touches. just like that green lantern movie."

It's clear Ryan still has a sore spot for that movie.

So anyway, me, Ryan Reynolds, Brian, Vivi, and the princess go on this epic quest to save the world from the merging of dimensions.

Brian and Vivi end up getting costumes, too.

Weird montage time skip and we've been separated from the princess, and our power accessories have been stolen somehow but we're still alive which doesn't make any sense and it means that part of what the princess said was a lie. We end up kicking this one monster's ass in Texas and seize it's power accessory, and it's a keychain. and Vivi's like "how the fuck are we supposed to wear it?" and i'm like "I have an idea." and i slip it onto my middle finger, and the ring part of the keychain resizes to fit my finger and suddenly i'm in this badass black version of my green suit armor thing and instead of the chain/hook combo i've got a fucking badass keyblade. because the keychain was a fucking Kingdom Hearts piece of merch. and it's a good thing this happened, because we get ambushed and i have to fight the monsters off. we end up holing up in an abandoned lingere store - and yes there's lots of jokes at Vivi's expense but I remind Ryan that his "inner self" is basically just a neon pink version of himself in women's clothing with a giant sword and they shut up.

i end up managing to get a landline phone and call every number for my husband i can think of because it's been months since i saw my husband, and i manage to get hold of him on a number i hadn't expected to work and he's so relieved to hear my voice and he tells me what's been happening in the world and i'm like "wait.... did you say YEARS?!" and he's like "yeah..." and i'm like "but it's only been like five or six months!" and he's like "it's been ten years." and i'm like "fuck me...." and he's like "i didn't remarry. i knew you weren't dead." and i'm like "how'd you know?" and he's like "seriously? you don't even wear a fucking mask when you're fighting monsters! green looks good on you." and i'm like "what?" and he's like "richer than tony stark, remember? i've got fucking sattellites shooting these fuckers from space! you don't think i couldn't get google earth pictures of my long lost spouse fighting monsters and trying to save the world?" and i'm like, fucking hysterical. and i'm trying to find out where he is, and i'm so relieved to hear that him, our son, my mother, and even Fluffy are alive and well, but he won't tell me where they are because "things have changed. it's not safe to tell you on the phone. hell, nobody uses phones anymore. nobody knew if the phones even worked anymore." and i'm like "i'm on a landline. that might be it."

anyway, now relieved that my family is alive and safe, and i find out a bit more about the world situation, i return to the others for the night.

weird time skip montage of fighting monsters and getting more powers for the others, and it's final boss fight time. we've hooked back up with the princess, and we contain the big bad and then, inexplicably, i'm killed. we're all killed. and we don't know what happened.

cue weird cutscene situation like when Scott Pilgrim got that game over fighting against the last evil ex, Gideon, and the whole desert thing with the extra life do-over thing. only THIS TIME we manage to win the big bad bossfight. and at the end, the day is saved. the dimensions un-merge and we go back to our lives. the world is normal again and time goes back and reverts to what it was before all of this started.

and i'm back in that restaurant. and i get a call. and it feels like i've done this before. but i go outside and i take the call and i hear screaming. i again go check it out like a dumbass, and THIS TIME i get there soon enough to see the heros get killed but this time there's no magic bracelet thing to make me a green warrior but i find a weight in my pocket and check it and there's the keyring. and i use it. and i'm back in my badass form with the badass keyblade, too. and it's fucking awesome. and then i remember that i've done this before and i'm about to kill the monster but then there's a neon pink energy blast and the monster is disentigrated and there's Ryan fucking Reynolds in a neon pink miniskirt and this time heels, too. Like something out of goddamn Sailor Moon or some shit. and he's got a glowing neon pink laser gun and i'm like ".....shit. we're in New Game Plus mode now aren't we?"

And Vivi pops up and is like "oh shoot! you two still have powers but we don't!"

Everything goes like, hyper fast, and me and Ryan are fighting monsters and shit and THIS TIME we don't even bother with the charter flight from hell and just call my husband to send the private jet.

And the giant dog Fluffy because I want my big fluffy gonna fucking fight a bear and win sized doggo.

And this time the plane doesn't crash and we don't meet the princess in that small town. instead my husband examines the acessories using science and engineering and shit and he's like "okay. so.... i've got good news and i've got bad news." and i'm like "bad news first babe." and he's like "so this keychain? i bought this for you for christmas and lost track of it." and i'm like "how is that bad news?" and he's like "i got it for you before we were married you idiot. i haven't seen this thing in seven years." and then he's like "but the good news is that i recognize the energy in it. remember that quantum energy i've been experimenting with that put Stark and his arc reactor to shame?" and i'm like ".....yes......" and he's like "that's what this is. but somehow it's like, weaponized." and i'm like "okay. now how do we fix this?" and he's like "honestly, i haven't a fucking clue. but it's really fascinating, isn't it?"

so we find out that the bracelet i had before, and the necklace, and pretty much all the ORIGINAL accessories we had started with the first time did in fact come from this alternate dimension and shit. that wasn't a lie. but the replacement ones we found along the way are from our dimension and somehow were imbued with this weird ass quantum energy. and my husband being the only person who knows even just a bare minimum about the stuff on the entire planet is like "i can experiment on one and see if i can learn more or upgrade it or something."

and that's what he does. ryan hands him his keyring with a little spacey ray-gun on it over and my husband experiments on it and he manages to at least change the outfit from Sailor Moon styled to something with a bit of actual armor on it, but he can't change it from the mini skirt and heels unfortunately for Ryan. This is after using it himself just to see what would happen and he ended up in neon pink iron man armor with a giant laser rifle. which was fucking hilarious.

we also learned that we could combine them and use two at a time and when we did i ended up with a keyblade rifle hybrid thing and black and neon pink elven armor like from fucking Lord of the Rings. it was fucking glorious! And when Ryan Reynolds tried using mine and his together he ended up in a Slave Leia bikini in black and neon pink with a laser pistol the size of car key and it was vaguely key shaped.

Anyway, what was determined from these tests and experiments was that these items from our dimension had somehow become imbued with these energies and were stronger than the ones from the other dimension because they originated here while the other objects originated elsewhere and the engergies they carried from elsewhere as well.

So we end up going and fighting evil monsters and stuff like the first time, but are able to come back to base and have a sort of save point system? New Game Plus mode is weird as fuck. And my big dog gets a charm for his collar and he ends up transforming into this armored tank of a beast that Ryan Reynolds likes to ride into battle. It's so fucking odd.

Weird montage time skip dream thing and we're at the final battle. We've met up with the princess every so often in our adventures over years and not months. and in those years we've learned some of the lore of her dimension, like the fact that the queen had banished her after becoming evil and the accessories collection ended up being stolen by an evil sorceror and scattered through dimensions. and each dimension they went to fell to the evil queen and our dimension is the last one to stand against her and shit. me, Ryan, Vivi, and Brian don't really care. we just want all this weird shit to end.

So we fight the big bad, AGAIN. and it's so much easier this time because again, we've already done this. and then after we defeat it, we expect cut scene type of scenario like last time. but THIS TIME the Princess is like "oh snap! the ancient relics of my dimension have been brought together and summoned my mother the queen!" and now we have to fight this EVEN BIGGER BAD! and we do, and it's hard and so fucking tough but we win by combining powers together and yay teamwork i guess. and when the queen falls, it turns out she banished her daughter the princess, yes, but not because the queen was evil.

PLOT FUCKING TWIST! IT WAS THE PRINCESS ALL ALONG!

and with her dying breath the queen begs Ryan to stop her daughter and then dies in his arms. and her crown falls off and breaks into five pieces. and we each take on and hook it onto our power devices and i add one to Fluffy's collar and holy fucking hell it's like the epic boss battle of all boss battles and we nearly die so many fucking times and we know that if we die this time, it's not just game over. it's world over. existence over. the universe is doomed type of over. it should be noted now that Ryan Reynolds was no longer in a neon pink miniskirt after adding the piece of the queen's crown to his power keychain. Oh no folks. his piece of the crown had an emerald on it....

and let me tell you folks.

this is the wildest dream i've ever fucking had. because only in my wildest dream will i ever see Ryan fucking Reynolds so fucking angry to be dressed as the green fucking lantern Hal Jordan again, riding the back of an armored tank of a fucking dog that's become this fucking massive eight story tall BEAST in shining platinum and purple armor, while Ryan Reynolds is screaming at the top of his lungs that he will fucking kill God himself while weilding a neon pink water pistol sized laser and he's just fucking charging into battle with this unearthly scream of rage and somewhere, for some reason, i just know Matthew Lillard felt like someone walked over his grave and was like "zoinks" and i have no idea how the fuck i even knew that but i did.

and when he's done, the princess has been obliterated and Ryan's like "......did i do it? can i take this fucking suit off now? i'd rather have the mini skirt and heels back. fuck, i'd rather have the Slave Leia look."

And then, it's over. And we're powered down and the day is saved and the dimensions unmerge and just....

that's it. that's all there was. time doesn't reset again. existence just..... is. the day is saved and we just....

are there.

and then i woke up.

and let me tell you, if i get dreams like that every time i eat a steak-n-shake garlic burger with a strawberry banana shake, then by the gods i'll eat it every fucking day for the rest of my life because that. that was fucking brilliant and wild and just omfg. that was awesome.

[tessatechaitea]

Team Titans #22

Team Titans is an anagram for "this could have been a good comic book but the execution was completely fucked up from the start."

If you can tell whether this kid is shocked or entertained, you're a better comic book reader than I am. And I'm a Grandmaster!

Meanwhile in New York, I'm faced with a similar conundrum.

If you can tell whether Killowat shit himself or had a wet dream, blah blah blah...you know the rest.

Little kids enjoying cannibalism (sort of? Were-creatures eating a Pegasus counts, right?), Killowat blowing his load so hard it wakes up the rest of the Titans, and now this:

I'm glad Fredric Wertham wasn't alive to see this debauchery!

The Team Titans have been put up in an old YMCA because they knew Prester Jon would fit in. The place is falling apart and there are *GASP* sex workers right outside! They're all disappointed that they survived the black hole because what kind of life is this? What did they expect, a mansion that's also a secret school for heroes from the future? A crumbling old YMCA should be exactly what they expected seeing that Terra describes their new gig working for the government as indentured servitude. Maybe there's a dictionary definition of "indentured servitude" that I missed? It's a good thing I learned how to type decades ago because I've just removed my eyes with some fabric scissors. Thanks, Urban Dictionary Rabbit Hole, for teaching me about My Little Pony crotchboobs! The drama between Redwing and Prester Jon continues because it's always nice to have drama that doesn't make any sense in a comic book and drag it on for several issues without explanation. Finding out that my sister could grow huge claws, pointy ears, and wings would be the least unsettling revelation I've ever received from her. Why the fuck is Prester Jon making such a huge deal out of it? In a world where Prester Jon dealt with hundreds of different superheroes on a daily basis, why would this change be so unsettling? Unless...of course! Prester Jon is sexually attracted to women with huge talons and pointy ears! Oh yeah! This is going to get incest! I mean good! The Team also manages to discuss earthquake preparedness because I guess some of DC's funding comes from Public Broadcasting grants? Over on Titans Island, the CIA have gathered a group of Team Titans together for their first black ops mission. The team will be lead by Aqualad and is composed of Mirage, The Human Mystery, Shockadelica, Wonder Boy, and Green. I can't believe I just listed a group of characters that include names like Shockadelica, Wonder Boy, and Green, and I'm mostly upset about Aqualad. Hopefully Mirage will tell somebody what she did with Deathwing! That's the only mystery I care about solving before this series ends. Hmm, apparently the mission is just sticking them on the Titans sub to wait for orders. Stupid comic book misleading me into repeating the "black ops" lie! Meanwhile in Seattle, Bumblebee and Herald will be leading another team composed of Metallik and Hero X. Maybe others but they're not named. A team in Torrance, California, learns how much people in the DC Universe hate super-heroes because editors at DC Comics have no clue what the whole medium has historically been about. Forget about inspiring heroes dedicating their life to helping make the world better. It's much easier to add drama if people hated and feared the heroes! So many assholes decided that the X-Men worked and thought the mutant premise could just translate to regular super-heroes. Plus it doesn't help when every other Superman story involves Superman being manipulated by a villain to use his powers against the people of the world. Stop giving the people of the world excuses to hate the heroes. Even I would hate Superman if his ego wouldn't allow him to leave Earth because he was a danger to it. Get the fuck away from humanity until you find a way to stop being hypnotized by magic villains, you fucking piece of shit! Um, Flamebird leads the Torrance team, composed of Nightrider, Battalion, Murder Master, some Judge and Jury member, and some other blockhead. No wonder everybody in Torrance hates the Team Titans (and the democrats, apparently)! They've shuttled all of the terrifying characters to the Torrance team! I guess I missed something over in the Darkstars comic because Donna Troy has decided to leave Terry and her baby to join the Darkstars. I can't say I disagree with that decision. Fuck Terry! Terra, Redwing, Prester Jon, Lapidus, and Killowat head to Qurac because remember how the comic book started there? They discover Chimera who must be a Team Titan because she knows their names and they recognized her dead pegasus. The Were-Creatures overpower them and they escape into a fortified building. But once inside, they discover Redwing has completely mutated too. The worst part is that Prester Jon calls her a hideous thing. She's going to remember that comment for sure. Team Titans #22 Rating: C-. Ignoring all of the plot stuff that annoyed me, I'm simply grading this comic book on one point: one of the Titans is called Murder Master and they held a press conference to introduce this guy to the community he'll be living in. And that community was already up in arms about the democrats taking away all of their military jobs! "Hey, angry people of Torrance! Here's your new local superhero team that will help protect your community! Battalion, a big gruff grizzly bear that probably hates you and would love to punch you in the face! Nightrider, a vampire that has just recently remembered he loves the taste of human flesh! A member of Judge and Jury, the bad guy Team Titans team that kills other Team Titans! And Murder Master, the master of murder! Don't you all feel safer now?!"

[formerprincess]

Mirror of Origin | Chapter 1

Chapters: 1/? Fandom: Teen Wolf (TV) Rating: Not Rated Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence Relationships: Liam Dunbar/Theo Raeken, Corey Bryant/Mason Hewitt Characters: Theo Raeken, Liam Dunbar, Mason Hewitt, Corey Bryant Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe, Tomb Raider, Swearing, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Guns, Violence, Minor Character Death, but only bad guys die I swear, Blood, Injury Summary:

Liam is a young, reckless archaeologist who loves nothing more than to climb into old tombs and find out about ancient cultures, as well as retrieve lost artifacts. On his hunt for the Mirror of Origin, he meets a mysterious group of people claiming they have the same agenda as Liam himself: Rescue old artifacts from the ruins around the world and exhibit them for the people to see them or keep them locked away to avoid them falling into the wrong hands. Especially one of their mercenaries, Theo, makes it hard for Liam to accept working with them in order to get this one special artifact cause Theo and Liam butt heads since their first meeting. When things turn for the worst, however, both have to work together to literally save the world from getting destroyed by an ancient power and maybe, just maybe, they realize the other isn’t as obnoxious as they thought…

Liam wormed his way through a crack in the stonewall and bit back a cough when his movement caused dust to float into the air. He blinked a few times, eyes slowly adjusting to the drastic change from beaming sunlight outside to the dim and shadowy light inside the tomb. He tilted his head and listened to any sounds coming from within but aside from the smaller rocks falling down every now and then and some scorpions scurrying over the rocky ground, nothing extraordinaire reached his ears. 

“Okay, I’m in,” he announced and two fingers of his left hand came up to lightly press against the little headset he was wearing in his left ear. His only connection to Mason and Corey right now. 

Liam looked around. He stood on a small ledge in an otherwise almost empty passage leading to a crawlway just a few feet away from him. Surely not the main entrance to what Liam was looking for but it would do. So he hopped off the ledge and knelt in front of the opening to peek inside. Nothing but dust and sand, no traps. “Let’s see where this will lead me.” He ducked his head and slowly crawled into the opening. 

“Are you sure this is the right place?” Corey asked into his left ear.  Mason huffed out a laugh. “Sometimes I think Liam loves crawling through tombs so much, he would even do it knowing full well it’s the wrong place.” Liam grinned while he crawled further and further. “You know, there’s just something about exploring a tomb that way. Should try it too sometime.” “I’ll pass,” Mason muttered and Liam heard the clatter of a keyboard. “You are too far into the mountain right now, I can’t determine your exact location.”  “It’s okay. Seems pretty peaceful right now,” Liam comforted his best friend.  “You said the same thing back in Syria, shortly before a gun was pressed to your temple,” Corey reminded him and Mason let out a series of distressed sounds.  “Do you have to remind me, babe?” Liam rolled his eyes and smiled fondly while Corey sighed into his ear. He had lost count how often Mason had voiced his worry about Liam literally risking his life in the name of exploring and archaeology and how often the two friends argued about it, even before Corey came into the team. Corey, Mason’s boyfriend, and basically Liam’s other best friend proved to be great at providing a middle ground between Mason and Liam since he too was worried about Liam but also took it a bit more lightly than Mason did. Doesn’t mean he always got away without a discussion.  “He will be fine, Mase. He’s far away from a warzone right now. Besides, Liam is a big boy, he can watch out for himself.” “Have you met him? I sometimes wonder how he even reached the age of twenty-three,” Mason squeaked.  “Thanks to your unconditional love and care?” Corey asked sweetly. 

“You two are aware I can hear you?” Liam asked while he reached the end of the crawlway and swiftly came to his feet again in a large chamber. He looked around and for a moment it took his breath away. The walls were covered in colorful murals, color bleached out with the ages but still impressive nonetheless, showing various situations with the same group of people, follower of a once powerful emperor. One mural showed the Emperor and his followers crossing a wild river, one showed them infiltrating a village, another one them all fighting another group. With a happy laugh, Liam pulled his camera out of his pocket and filmed every single mural.  “To answer your question, Corey, this is the right place. I found The Emperor’s tomb.” 

He pointed the camera towards the middle of the room where a sarcophagus had been placed on a little rising. Some part of the ceiling had been worn down by the weather over the decades and had fallen to the ground, so the sun was streaming through the cracks and onto the beautifully crafted thing, embellished with gems and golden symbols. “This is incredible.” “Your instinct was right again, congratulations.” Mason seemed really happy about this and Liam heard Corey whoop as well. “And you think the Mirror of Origin is in the sarcophagus?” “It has to. I researched everything about Ferguson’s expeditions. From what he wrote in his entries, he found it and then brought it to a safe place. That’s what I made out of the gibberish he wrote. Old man got a tiny bit paranoid at the end of his days. Lord knows why. He wrote about the Emperor a lot too, it makes sense he would take the artifact and put it into a tomb without any relation, in a different country even. Emperor and the Mirror were the two biggest things he researched. If it’s not here, it is probably lost forever.”

While he had talked, Liam had wandered around in the chamber before he rounded the sarcophagus and took pictures of every side of the sarcophagus. Only when he had every angle and every detail on film, Liam put away his camera. “I’m about to open it.”

He took a step closer and felt the ground under his right boot sink in. It took his brain only seconds to register and he barely had time to stumble back when spears shot out of the ground and surrounded the sarcophagus in a circle.  “Holy shit!” Liam wheezed and stared at the very dangerous and very spiky wooden laths from where he had fallen flat on his ass.  “Was that a trap? Did you just trigger a trap? You did trigger a trap, am I right?” Mason scolded him and Liam gulped.  “Fuck, almost got served Liam on a stick.” “Dammit, Liam, what did we say about being careless?” “Are you okay though?” Corey asked and Liam nodded, even though they could not see him.  “Yeah. Shook but still without any unnecessary holes in my body.”

He got to his feet again and dusted his palms up. Then he narrowed his eyes at the spears and circled the trap. His eyes trailed over the ground to see any mechanism that could revert the trap. And finally, he found some lighter looking stone in the ground and grabbed one of his pistols. A quick shot on the trigger and the spears retracted into the ground.  „Hah!“ Liam let out a triumphant yell and then took a large step over the spots the spears had shot out from. Only when he safely stood right next to the sarcophagus, he let out a relieved breath. This seemed safe, for now. He had encountered too many tombs and traps to ever feel completely safe but this was a start. “Just be careful,” Mason mumbled when Liam anxiously pushed the lid aside. Old graves sometimes had yet another trap inside the sarcophagus, better safe than sorry. However, this time nothing happened and when Liam peeked inside, he knew why.

The sarcophagus was empty.

“What? This can’t be happening! It’s empty! That’s…that’s impossible!” Liam could not believe his eyes. There had to be a joke and he even reached inside to find a false bottom inside the sarcophagus but there was none. He lurched back and luckily managed not to trigger the spears again, even though Liam already felt like he had been speared. It had been months since he started to research the Emperor and Ferguson’s expeditions. Months full of dead ends and promising clues that almost always ended in yet another disappointment until he finally found that one trail that lead him to where he was now. And now it was yet another dead end? This was more than he could grasp. “It’s empty? So, this isn’t the right place?” Corey questioned hesitantly. Liam groaned and ran both hands through his hair while he paced back and forth. “It is the right place! This is the Emperor’s tomb, he is just not there!” “Do you mean somebody else got him and took him away?” That was Mason this time. Liam groaned again. “I don’t know! It seems unlikely. Must have missed something. But what did I miss? Where did I go wrong? Where was my mistake?”

He glared at the mural of the Emperor fighting another army. “What you’re looking at?” He barked at the stupid painted guy who – of course – didn’t answer. Liam’s glare intensified and if looks could kill, the wall probably would have exploded under the force of his scowl. He eyed the way the Emperor swung his word and looked at the enemies in his path. Stupid painting of a stupid guy with his stupid sword and his stupid horse and his stupid way of peering at… “What you’re looking at?” Liam asked again, less furious this time, and he stepped closer to the mural. The Emperor was not really looking at his enemies upon closer inspection, seemed to be looking over their heads. Liam followed his line of sight and turned around. He had expected the Emperor to eye his own sarcophagus but the angle was too far left for that to work. He peeked at a naked wall instead. Liam frowned. Either the creator of his mural had seriously been drinking while working or that had been intended. He slowly stepped closer to the wall and ran his hands over it. Aside from a small cleft in the wall, nothing too special. And yet Liam could not shake the thought the painting was a hint. He had always been one to listen to his instincts, his mom used to tell him it was one of his strongest traits and would lead him far in life, and while others saw it as impulsive and it sometimes got him into big trouble, Liam never let this trait get taken away from him. It had lead him to so many great things already in his life and so he grabbed his climbing axe and rammed it into the cleft. “Are you breaking things again?” Corey inquired when pieces of the wall crumbled loudly and fell to the floor but Liam refused to answer. He didn’t have to anyway, his friends knew him. He rather kept working on making the cleft bigger to see what was behind this wall.

And finally, it was big enough Liam could worm his way through. A quick first look behind the wall confirmed his suspicion, there was yet another chamber carefully hidden behind the first one. Liam slipped inside and waved some cob webs away. The second chamber was a lot smaller than the first one and way less splendid. Light only fell through small holes up in the otherwise rough stone wall of the mountain the whole tomb was hidden in. Left and right were some swords, shields, and armors placed, maybe once placed on wooden shelves which had fallen apart over the decades. And on the end of the chamber stood yet another sarcophagus, plain, made from simple wood and with artsy carvings but nothing compared to the gems and gold from the first. At first glance, this was probably a servant’s grave, buried with their master in the first chamber, a common practice for the Emperor’s followers as Liam knew. The weapons were probably belongings from the warlord once buried here, that’s what it looked like at least. Yet Liam didn’t let it fool him. He had tapped into the clever illusion at first as well but he wouldn’t make the same mistake twice.

“Whatever it is you found now, we’re losing you. The connection….” Mason’s voice had been distorted while he spoke and then failed altogether when the connection had been lost. Seemed like Liam was too far into the mountain. Well, the connection got lost sometimes, he didn’t really pay this too much mind at the moment.

He hurried over to the second sarcophagus instead (no trap this time, thank god) and pushed the lid aside. The stench of stale air and death erupted and Liam coughed and waved his hand to make the smell evaporate. He glanced inside the sarcophagus and this time he didn’t get disappointed. A skeleton lay there, with a large sword in his hands. The sword of the Emperor. “You sly bastard! Making everyone believe they found your grave when it’s just for the cover! Clever son of a bitch!” Liam smiled happily, excited at the aspect of finally finding what he had been looking for all these months. He pushed the lid further aside, eyes scanning the bones inside to find the Mirror of Origin.

And there was no mirror but what was there was some old document roll made from leather, created to protect important documents from wind and weather. Its brown-reddish color almost made it blend it with the dark color of the wood and Liam could imagine one was able to overlook it quite quickly when only looking for the sword or the Mirror. He reached for it and pulled the little roll out of its hiding spot next to the Emperor’s elbow. The roll was too young to be from the Emperor’s decade and the patterns on the roll itself also didn’t fit with the time so Liam guessed somebody had left it here later on. Maybe Ferguson? “If you send me on another journey around the globe I will scream,” he muttered and meant the late Arthur Ferguson, that one person who had started this whole adventure with his entries about the Mirror and the Emperor. Liam opened the roll and pulled the document out. It was handwritten in scrawly letters and Liam had a hard time making sense of the words itself. He sighed before he pulled out his flashlight and dropped on the ground, leaned against the sarcophagus, and began to read, the light from the flashlight a big help.

I found the Emperor’s grave. It took me such a long time, I can barely fathom the reality of it, even as I write these words. But it is there and this time it’s no lie. While I’m writing this, I’m looking at the bones of the once mighty man, surrounded by his wealth and belongings.

My journey has come to an end and I can finally rest. While I’m not as old to say dead is upon me, I am old enough to know I will never go on another expedition. It is time for me to return home and find my peace there. And it is time for me to be honest. As a young man, I aspired wealth and success, my measurements were the importance of my discoveries and the reputation I would gain from them. I aspired to find the Mirror of Origin and then the tomb of one of the biggest emperors. With all the knowledge I gained from books and my studies, I thought it would be easy, that I had the intellect to find what many before me failed to discover.

I was foolish.

My studies had led my on the right path, I came close to getting my hands on this powerful artifact; my mind set on all the notoriety it would gain me. I wasn’t prepared for all the gruesome things crossing my path. The horrors I encountered, I don’t wish them upon anybody else. There is something dark, something immensely powerful hidden in the ancient places back in Peru, a source of power defying all description. I don’t know if it is the Mirror itself or something guarding it, I never wanted to find out. While I was prepared for some difficulties during my travels, I wasn’t prepared for death and fear.

I lost men, I lost friends, I lost too much to ever consider the expedition a success. I may know where the artifact is hidden but I will be damned if I ever share it with anybody else. Upon leaving the jungle and all those terrible places, I made a decision. No one else should ever endure those horrors and so I lied. I told everyone I found the Mirror and brought it somewhere safe. It is the only way to make sure no one even ventures into the depth of the Peruvian Jungle in search for the Mirror of Origin.

The Emperor’s grave is hidden and so I’m leaving this here, hoping nobody will ever find it here and if they do, they will be bright enough to not go looking for the Mirror. To those reading this: Don’t do it. Stay away! Stay as far away from those damned places as you can. The seduction of wealth may be strong but you will lose too much to ever make it worth it. Be wiser than I was.

A.Ferguson

Liam felt like he was caught in a cosmic joke. He had read everything Ferguson had ever written and the main point in all of his notes had been him taking the Mirror of Origin and bringing it in his possession. And now he found out it had all been a lie? That old man was messing with him, right? Torn between screaming in anger and crying, Liam swallowed harshly. He hated the other with such a strong passion in this moment and had Ferguson not been dead since centuries, Liam would personally find him and kick his ass. All for wasting his time and fooling everyone for so long.

And yet…

A small part of Liam remembered how Ferguson’s notes had changed, slowly at first but then it got more and more evident. How he had turned into a nervous, paranoid mess and when Liam considered the dates, it had happened after his Peru expedition. Whatever the archaeologist had encountered it had mentally scarred him for life. So much, living a lie for the rest of his life had been the best option. Liam himself was still young but even he had already encountered enough to know there was more between the earth and the heavens that most people realized and believed and some of that shit was downright terrifying and bat-shit crazy. Had Arthur Ferguson encountered such a thing?

“Area all clear. Team 1 is in!”

The sudden voice ripped Liam from his thoughts and he jerked his head up. Four men, all dressed in tactical military gear and armed with machine guns, had stepped into the chamber, their flashlights attached to their guns and pointed at Liam. He had been so absorbed, he didn’t even hear them approaching. His right hand dropped to his side, ready to close around his pistol when one of the military guys tseked. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you, kiddo.” He raised his gun, ready to shoot, and his team did the same thing. They were clearly not messing and while Liam knew he could fight, four guys with machine guns pointed at his head were too much to take. He still frowned and aimed his own flashlight at the guy who had spoken. “I’m no kiddo! Besides, you’re not much older than myself!” At least, given what he could see in the dim lighting. Fair skin, pale due to the light, stubbles adorning his strong jaw, and a fucking arrogant smirk on his face. Liam wanted to punch him for that smirk alone. Military guy raised one eyebrow. “Really? Sassing a guy pointing a gun at your head? That desperate to die?” “Tell us your name, civilian!” One of the other guys barked and Liam glared at him. “First name Go, last name Fuck yourself,” he hissed back. His inner Mason, the one Liam liked to call his very own Jiminy Cricket, facepalmed and muttered something about “Way to get shot.” But he hated people being rude towards him. And people pointing guns at him. Mix those two together and you got a combination Liam could absolutely not stand. The second guy growled and tightened his grip on his gun. “Wrong answer, fucker! I’ll ask a second time: Who are you?”

Their pleasant little chat got disturbed by a woman stepping into the chamber. Her outfit was more of an explorer than a military woman; from her black hair cut short in a neat bob, down to her perfect polished boots, she looked sophisticated and elegant. She looked around with a satisfied smile but when she spotted Liam, her lips formed an “oh”. “Liam Dunbar, I can’t believe it! Last time I saw you, it was just days after you were born. You have grown so much. And lord, you look so much like your mother.” He got that a lot and Liam himself had to agree, he had inherited his mother’s facial features, her nose and the curve of her lips. The only difference was his eye color, he had inherited his father’s blue eyes while hers had been grey. Still, it surprised him the stranger recognized that. “You knew my mother?” The lady nodded. “We have been friends. Not as close as we both would have liked due to our careers but we always enjoyed our time together. Oh, pardon, I completely forgot: My name is Vera.” She had walked over to him and now extended her hand for him to shake. Liam eyed her for a second, then her hand, and back at her face. “Your guys are still pointing guns at me. Who the hell are you people?” Vera looked at the military men. “Gentlemen, I think you made your point. Young Liam here surely is no danger. Thank you for your services.” She dismissed and they lowered their guns but stayed behind her, looking like some sort of bodyguards. Something inside Liam twitched. The young Liam part sounded motherly and he didn’t deal well with it. He decided to stay quiet, for now.  Vera meanwhile introduced the group. “We are called the Society of Insight, a very private group working in secret to ensure artifacts are rescued and either put out for people to admire them or stored away in safety to avoid them falling into the wrong hands. Basically, we’re doing the same thing you do, we’re just having a bit more manpower.” She laughed softly and patted his arm. “I cannot stress how honored I feel to work with you. Admittedly, I didn’t expect you to be here but now that you are, we have to make the best out of it. That’s my mantra, always making the best out of a situation,” Vera chirped and Liam would have not been surprised at all if she burst out in a happy little song right the next second, Disney style. She currently acted like the fairy godmother and he was not so sure what to make out of this. It surely was one of the most surreal encounters he ever had in a tomb. And he meet ancient mermaids once!

“Work with me? When did I agree to a cooperation?” He inquired and raised an eyebrow. Vera gave him a surprised look and then snickered at herself. “Right, right, I may have been getting a little ahead. But you are also looking for the Mirror of Origin, correct?” Liam narrowed his eyes slightly. It made sense he wasn’t the only one following Ferguson’s hints but that didn’t make it any better. He didn’t fully trust her or her organization. Given what he went through with his family, his mother dying in an accident when Liam had been nine and his dad getting shot when Liam had been twelve, and what he already experienced on his travels, his doubts were absolutely justified. On the other hand, she was a friend of his mother and seemingly someone his mother had trusted around her newborn son. And maybe, just maybe, Liam was too suspicious for his own good most of the time. Also, nobody said he had to tell her everything about himself, his hopes and dreams and deepest secrets, he could play it on a professional level. It was his business, after all. “I do, yeah.” He pointed at the sarcophagus. “But the Mirror is not here.”

They all looked stunned by that and Vera gripped her heart, as if she was having an attack. That woman seemed to like a scene. “I find that hard to believe,” the guy who had called Liam kiddo drawled and Liam’s glare shot daggers at him. It made him want to punch the guy for a second time today. “It’s true. Ferguson lied. It’s all in here!” He waved the document he had held in the same hand as the flashlight the whole time. The arrogant bastard narrowed his eyes at Liam but didn’t reach for the document. Vera was the one who held out her hand. “May I?” She asked softly and Liam handed it over. When he had the choice between her and the guys, he would always choose her. Now she read what Ferguson had confessed. “This is astonishing. He played so many people for all those years.” Liam nodded. “Whatever he witnessed in the jungle, it was enough to scare him so much he considered living a lie for the rest of his life worthy enough. And maybe it explains why he got so paranoid at the end of his life. Maybe the trauma finally caught up.” One of the men sneered. “What’s so scary in the jungle?” “Oh, I don’t know,” Liam replied coldly, “jaguars, traps, the whole nine yards. It is not unreasonable to be scared by that.” “I wouldn’t be scared at all,” the guy bragged and the one Liam had wanted to punch repeatedly sighed. “Shut the hell up, Donovan.” “Don’t tell me what to do, Raeken.” Ah, now Liam at least had a name for that one person who had belittled him. Didn’t make him any less of an asshole. Raeken now simply rolled his eyes at Donovan and then proceeded to ignore him.

“Anyway!” Vera called out and startled Liam. “Since we all fell for Ferguson’s constructed lies, we have to travel back to Peru and start there. Liam, dear, it would be an absolute pleasure if you would travel with us. You’re as brilliant as your mother, working with you would be an amazing opportunity.” He had worked with others before, Liam wasn’t completely antisocial just because he preferred dusty crypts over a raging club night, and maybe both sides would benefit from this cooperation. While Liam had traveled to Peru himself at the beginning of his studies on the Mirror, he had never really been able to get as deep into the jungle as Ferguson himself had been. He didn’t need to, had the guy stated he had taken the Mirror out of its hiding spot anyway. They already knew dangers were lurking, so maybe traveling there with an armed group of military men was a good idea. He nodded. “Sounds good.”

****** Liam pressed the phone against his ear and braced one arm on top of the machine while he waited for Mason to accept the call. The little airport they would board the plane to Peru from didn’t have much, but at least a phone with international reception. Finally, his best friend spoke. “Hello?” “Mase, it’s me.” “Holy shit, Lee, there you are! We were worried sick after we lost the connection. I’ll put you on speaker, Corey’s with me.” “Hey, Liam,” Corey greeted. “Hey. I’m sorry I worried you but you won’t believe what happened.” He launched into an explanation of what had transpired in the Emperor’s tomb and his friends let out sounds of wonder and surprise. When he ended, Liam heard the clatter of a keyboard. “Society of Insight, I will search for everything I can possible find and direct it at you,” Corey announced. “When you arrive in Peru, keep your GPS on so we have an idea where you are. You never know when you need support,” Mason told him. “Thank you, Cor. And, Mase, I will. Can you do me a favor though? Look through my mom’s old notes. Vera said they were estranged friends, maybe mom mentioned her.” “Sure, buddy. As soon as I find something I will forward it to you,” Mason promised his best friend. It was good to have a backup, even though they were not in the same country. “Thank you, both of you. I will contact you as soon as I can and fill you in with our process. Take care.” “Be careful,” Mason instructed him and Liam hung up.

He pushed himself off the phone and wiped the sweat from his brow. He hoped the plane was cooler than the airport hall. Liam rounded the corner and there leaned Mr. Smug Asshole himself against the wall. When the group had come close to the city, Vera’s group had changed from their strategical gear into tactical pants, plain t-shirts and black bomber jackets. Liam had wondered about the jackets at first but then realized they all had also switched guns and were now carrying semi-automatic pistols. The jackets were simply to cover the weapons. “What?” He spat out. Something about the guy made his blood boil. “I was looking for you. The plane is there, we all are there, only one missing is you. So, move your ass!” Raeken pushed himself off the wall and ignored the daggers Liam glared at him. “I’m not one of your team buddies, I won’t follow your commands. Especially not if you keep talking to me like that.” Raeken put both hands over his heart as if he was deeply hurt. “Oh, I am sorry, was that not posh enough for you? Let me try again. Moveth his figure towards the flying machine, young lad, before I will store my boot on his behind.” Liam blinked. “That…absolutely makes no sense. Did you try your hand at Shakespeare? Way off. Way, way off. Don’t try something you know nothing about.” “Oh, what? Think I never heard of Shakespeare before? Just because I’m not as snobby as you are, doesn’t mean I don’t know shit about literature.” “Does Vera know you’re charming like that?” Liam crossed his arms in front of his chest and gave him a rather unimpressed look. Raeken scoffed. “I have no idea what Vera sees in you but what I know is her inviting you to this expedition is a slap in the face of every working person and especially the ones in this society.” Now that irked Liam. “Why is that so?” He inquired. “Simple. I could literally go to any well-esteemed university with a good history program, throw a stone and hit at least five other guys like you. Entitled guys who think they’re the shit just because of who their parents are.” It made Liam bark out a laugh. “Me? Entitled?” “Oh, you’re not? Then tell me, what did you ever achieved for yourself? I know your mom, Ilona Geyer-Dunbar, I know her work. What have you ever done that can compete? Or even gets remotely close? The only thing you do is carrying the Dunbar name and spending your time crawling through some tombs, digging in the sand a bit, and thinking you’re it. Living your little Lara Croft fantasy. I doubt you ever led an expedition or even were part of one with a remarkable found.” Liam shrugged nonchalantly. “I found the Emperor’s grave.” “So did we and if it had not been for Vera, Donovan would have put a bullet through your head. So much for your discovery.” Maybe the guy was right but Liam would rather spontaneously combust than to admit that. If Vera had not appeared, he probably would be dead by now. He growled. “Bastard!” Raeken smirked amusedly. “Are you allowed to cuss, kiddo?” “Stop calling me that!”

“Theo! Can you and our guest please hurry? Vera wants to get to Peru as fast as possible!” One of the other guys from Vera’s team called out all of sudden and interrupted their argument.  Liam looked at the other guy and then back at Raeken. “So your name is Theo Raeken?” Theo simply shrugged. “Don’t wear it out.” Don’t worry,” Liam said dryly, “I think dickbag is a better name for you anyway.”

The Thiam Tomb Raider AU finally got off the ground. After I made this edit, I now finally found the time and motivation to start with this story. I am excited and since I’m currently replaying the last three Tomb Raider games I’m also very inspired. So I hope you liked the first chapter and are curious about chapter 2. Tell me what you think in the comments! 

Love you all!

[possiblyimbiassed]

What happened to Sherlock? Part II – Re-living memories

What is it actually that we witness in the TV show Sherlock? Is it Sherlock’s and John’s ‘reality’? Is it John Watson’s perspective, as in ACD canon? Or is it something entirely different? After S4 many viewers – including hard-core fans – lost their faith in BBC Sherlock. The characters we had learned to love (or hate) were ‘failing’ in S4: Sherlock seemed to have stopped solving crimes, John had turned into a violent wreck, ‘Mary’ the Assassin was suddenly a hero and there was not a trace of anything similar to a coherent plot line. In many ways this series seemed to have reduced the whole show into a caricature of its former self, and not much hope has been given that we can expect some change in the future.

But everything is relative, as Einstein might have said. :)  What we expected of S4 was based on what the show had been to us up until then. So to comprehend what we’re actually looking at in S4, we need to first analyse what we were actually seeing in the first three series of the show – at least up until TSoT.

Picture source (X) 

This meta series is an attempt to look at BBC Sherlock with a ‘scientific’ approach; to set up hypotheses and predictions, test them and thereby try to solve the puzzles presented to us, the audience, by the show.  The methods I’m trying to use here are explained in the introduction. For this particular meta I’m also using a Word-transcript of John’s blog, where I have been able to use the program’s word count to compare the length of different blog-posts.

Hypothesis #1 was this: John’s blog is the most truthful account of the actual events. I did a couple of predictions and compared them to my observations.  My conclusion was that yes, this hypothesis does hold water. Which doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s true, but there is some evidence for it, and I haven’t seen it de-bunked just yet. So in the continuing analyses I’ll assume that Hypothesis #1 is true, that the blog is indeed more reliable than the TV show, at least when it comes to retelling the actual events (but not when it comes to John’s opinion of what’s going on in other people’s heads).

And now we get to the next hypothesis to explore, #2:

Hypothesis #2: The show up until John’s wedding is Sherlock re-living their story together in his MP, after reading John’s blog.

John’s blog is, in my opinion, rather straightforward in its description of John’s and Sherlock’s ‘adventures’. But as such, you could also argue that it is a bit dull; the blog does not quite live up to the ACD canon level of describing the events – far from it in fact. The John Watson that got published in The Strand Magazine used a lot more romantic and sometimes almost poetic language. 

In this meta I intend to go through the TV show Sherlock from ASiP to TSoT, and analyse the perspective that the episodes are written from. I will stop at TSoT, though, since I see many clear differences between the show up until this episode and HLV. But that difference will be handled in a future meta about Hypothesis #4 (see the full list in the introduction, scroll down to the bottom)

This is a loooong meta, but please bear with me, because I do believe this is important. You’ll find most of it under the cut.

First of all, I want to give full credits for hypothesis #2 to @raggedyblue, who presented this idea to me in a comment to another thread, where we were discussing how reliable certain scenes in the show are. When I read it, suddenly it felt like some important pieces were falling into place, and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since.

Here is an excerpt from it: 

“We are in Sherlock’s MP and we see his version of history from the beginning, because he was doped and started re-reading John’s blog. Because he is a romantic bastard after all. Then he was taken away, lost his control, and now he’s looking  to return. In the show we never see any “real” scene. We’re in the funny, old Sherlock’s head. He’s reliving the facts up to where he was present, the wedding, and then he’s going ahead, trying to solve the situation in his head”.

But before this, the idea of us being in Sherlock’s ‘Extended Mind Palace from start’ had also been suggested by @kateis-cakeis, for example in this meta. Together with @ebaeschnbliah and @sherlockshadow, @kateis-cakeis has for example discovered that the Pilot is a complete mirror to ASiP! More about that in a moment. @sherlockshadow also makes a good and logical case for ‘EMP from start’ in this meta. Update: Thanks to @ebaeschnbliah, I also got the opportunity to read this interesting meta from @fandeadgloves, which makes a good case for why the whole show is probably seen from Sherlock’s POV.

Review vs analysis

But how do we know these ideas are not just wishful thinking? As I said in the beginning, it’s easy to get the impression after S4 that this whole show is something of a joke – if you take it at face value. If you believed it would be presented very much like ACD canon, albeit in modern England, you might have felt as disappointed as the guy who made this review video.��And I think this is very important, because he is far from the only voice saying this. In fact I’d suspect that a majority of viewers might agree with many points he makes.

This guy has composed a long (almost 2 hours!) review of BBC Sherlock - the whole of it - and he makes a lot of interesting observations. Like for example the often overly dramatic music, the over-dramatized scenes, the excess of sound effects, but also that there’s a lot of plot holes. And he brings up all kinds of ‘baiting’ of the audience and the manipulative writing style with cliff hangers that never pay off. And – most importantly I think – the fact that the viewers are never given enough information to be able to actually solve the crime cases with their own brains; we’re forever left to just marvel at Sherlock’s greatness. So it’s obvious that he has indeed watched the show – and most probably done an amazing job collecting stuff for the review. 

But he also seems to automatically assume that the purpose of BBC Sherlock is to show the crime case solving that Sherlock Holmes does, very much the same way as in ACD canon, and in most of the following adaptations, only this time in a modern environment. He assumes that this is a modern detective story, rather than a story about a detective. 

But to me this feels a bit like reading John Watson’s blog, where Sherlock asks: “What about the analysis, John?”

I think Sherlock has a point here. The thing is that John, while good at finding clues, he never, as far as I can recall, really tries to analyse or deduce something. Except in TAB’s Victorian setting, which is definitely happening inside Sherlock’s head,

and in TLD, where a ghost starts to deduce things for him). John is mostly far too busy making assumptions and jumping to conclusions about people’s motives, at least on the blog: 

But this guy who made the video even recommends us to not analyse the details of the show too much! (at 49:51 minutes into the video). He is bitterly disappointed (and many with him, I imagine – I’ve seen a lot of criticism where people dismiss the whole show as ‘badly written’) that the show doesn’t give us more episodes where we can follow Sherlock Holmes’ deductive reasoning to solve crime cases. But at the same time, his own video is full of assumptions about the show-makers’ motives (very much like John’s assumptions about Sherlock’s motives), and he utterly refuses to use Sherlock’s method of deduction and logical reasoning himself, while looking at the show as a whole. 

Isn’t this a bit contradictory? Because if you find this many inconsistencies and crazy things in a show about a detective, I think you should ask yourself “why is this? What could the writers possibly have wanted to convey? What is actually going on here?” And then you go through each of these observations and try to figure this out, you try to make sense of them, preferably also trying to think ‘outside of the box’.

Example: According to this guy’s video the Pilot is far ‘better’ made than ASiP, for a series of reasons – most of them based on opinions about how a ‘good’ show should be constructed. But there’s no deeper comparative analysis between them that tries to find out why these episodes are so different and maybe suggest an alternative explanation. The judgment is done, end of story.

On the other hand, this video made by @kateis-cakeis  (also referring to @sherlockshadow and @ebaeschnbliah) is also about the Pilot and ASiP, but the focus is on the data, and what patterns can be seen. They do suggest an explanation, but it’s presented as a theory, not a final conclusion. They have gone through a long series of similar scenes in both episodes, one by one, and found out that they are (almost) perfect mirrors to each other. People and objects that are positioned at one side in the Pilot is placed at the other side in ASiP, and so on. They’ve found a very distinct pattern that is difficult to explain away as coincidence. That’s a scientific approach; you use detailed analysis and deduction rather than jump to conclusions based on assumptions. You look at the pieces of the puzzle and try to figure out how they can fit together, and you use your own (and your peers’) creativity doing it. You may not reach a definitive answer right away, but you will have collected sufficient data to have a much better foundation for your future conclusions. And once you publish your thoughts, others can use your data to do their own analysis, and so on.

So what does this mirror analysis tell us? Well, most of all I think it shows that this show can’t be just about the crime cases; there’s something else going on here - otherwise the show makers wouldn’t have arranged details in this manner. So maybe we have to look for answers about this show elsewhere than in the actual crime solving. Because if the crime cases are the important puzzles to solve, why are we looking at a series of therapy sessions involving the main characters, that are mirrored already in Pilot/ASiP and have an increasingly iconic setup throughout the show? What has that to do with crime solving?

I think it’s logical, though; we can’t follow Sherlock’s deductions about the cases because that’s not what we’re supposed to solve - that’s Sherlock’s job!! But we can use deduction to figure out what’s on Sherlock’s mind, why he and John need therapy. But then we have to think outside the box and imagine that we really are inside Sherlock’s head instead of our own.

You could argue, of course, that TV audiences shouldn’t have to be (almost) scientists or psychologists to be able to enjoy a show. But maybe we don’t have to be, maybe we just need to learn Sherlock’s method. There are so ridiculously many TV shows that don’t require a single thought “outside of the box” from its viewers. So why shouldn’t this one, which is the story about a genius detective, at least require some brain gymnastics from its viewers? Something new, not just the usual stuff?

OK, enough of ranting and opinions for a while – let’s start the actual analysis!

Testing process, fueled by more observations:

So – just like last time we’ll make some testable predictions, but this time regarding the TV show (compared to the blog), to see if we can figure this out. This time I suggest four predictions to test.

Prediction 1. If Hypothesis #2 is correct, then there might be some indications in the show that Sherlock has been reading John’s blog - reading it carefully. 

Observations:

Sherlock has made comments to John’s blogposts for a long time, but not in a particularly interested way; it took him two months before he discovered the first posts John made about their “adventures” together:

But here it says that he has ‘glanced over it’, which seems to mean that he hasn’t read it more thoroughly. He seems to be more focused on the form and grammar of John’s blogposts than on the actual content, and his comments are mostly rather brief.

In the show, he seems to express (or fake? ;) ) a certain indifference towards what John is actually writing.

Maybe Sherlock can’t seem to bother too much with such trivialities as making a good blogpost (actually I suspect he’s more interested in hanging over John’s shoulder.. ;) )?

And he doesn’t seem to notice how much the blog means to John.

But he does get annoyed when John is presenting him in ways that don’t please him.

But there are two occasions when Sherlock definitely has shown interest in John’s blog - and none of them are covered by the TV show. The first one was when he ‘went through’ the blog searching for someone who could help him with a case (Death by Twitter is the blog title) by opening a closed facebook account. And he found “theimprobableone” (Moriarty?), who apparently then helped to solve the case.

And the second occasion is directly after the wedding, when he hacks the blog under the pretext of uploading wedding photos: 

But he also adds a whole post about ‘sex holidays’, boredom and death and a string of comments at the course of two-three days. This time he really does seem to have nothing else to do than to read John’s blog and try to get some attention from its followers. I’ve written a meta about what I believe Sherlock’s messages meant here. John himself is on honeymoon, tells Sherlock to shut up and never writes a word about the wedding once it’s over, neither does he seem to appreciate Sherlock’s wedding photos, since he doesn’t even mention them. One might wonder why - wasn’t this supposed to be one of the happiest events in John’s life? Wouldn’t he even want to write a single line about it on his own blog? 

There are quite a lot of talk about memories in BBC Sherlock; @sarahthecoat has made a useful list of books and other kinds of memory storage devices here. Memories indeed seems to be one of the recurring themes in this show, which also is a factor in backing up Hypothesis #2, I believe. And the blog as such is perhaps one of the most important memory devices, since John has given a thorough account of his and Sherlock’s life together - it’s like a public diary over their relationship. So let’s do an imaginative experiment - here’s a possible scenario that would fit with Prediction #1 for Hypothesis #2: 

Let’s say that while John is on honeymoon for several days, probably about a week, Sherlock is at home in 221B - heartbroken, lonely and depressed. He has lost John forever (at least that’s what he believes), but he doesn’t quite understand what went wrong between them. He has quit working; he can’t really focus on anything else than John for the moment. And in his solitude, he begins to re-read John’s whole blog during this week, because he needs to know. He is not yet willing to engage with his own feelings for John, but in order to try and figure out ‘objectively’ what happened, he enters his mind palace and starts re-running the scenes from his memories, based on John’s blog entries. And this is the show as we see it from the beginning.

A wild idea, right? Is there really any evidence in the TV show to back up this scenario, to tell us that Sherlock was reading John’s blog during this time? Well, yes, I think there is. Apart from the ones presented above, I also think the show tells us about this specifically, it’s just that we see it after it happened, played out in an imaginative universe inside Sherlock’s mind palace: 

Exhibit A: In TAB, which I’m going to assume almost entirely happens in Sherlock’s imagination (see lots of evidence for this in EMP theory), Mycroft talks about Sherlock’s recent OD and his history of drug use and then says this:

This is Mycroft saying this - on a subtextual level believed to represent Sherlock’s brain, and on a meta level he represents Mark Gattiss, the storyteller.

But if (at least) the second part of HLV also happens in Sherlock’s MP, then there is no Sherlock murdering Magnussen, consequently no prison for Sherlock, right? Thus MP!Mycroft is referring to something else - and what might that be? I think he’s referring to Sherlock locking himself up in 221B for a week in solitary confinement, starting to re-read John’s blog and re-living all his memories with John - including the most heart-breaking ones. 

Exhibit B:  Before this moment in TAB, when Sherlock has just woke up from his gay Victorian fever dream OD and starts babbling about Emilia Ricoletti, ‘Mary’ grabs his iPhone and says:

And if this scene also happens inside Sherlock’s head (EMP theory again), this evidence from MP!Mary points in the same direction: yes - Sherlock has been reading up on John’s blog, the story of how they met and of how they lived together at 221B. And with this, assuming EMP theory is correct about TAB being mind palace, I think Prediction #1 actually passes the test, and we can go on and make a second prediction. 

Prediction 2. If Hypothesis #2 is correct, then some irregular patterns in the blog might have influenced Sherlock’s memory when he read it, and these irregularities would consequently also be reflected in the show. (If the show, on the other hand, shows us the ‘reality’, there would be no such corresponding pattern = 0 hypothesis). 

Observations: Let’s compare the blog posts with their representation in the TV show. 

Some of the more lengthy and thoroughly described blogposts are A Study in Pink (1742 words), The Blind Banker (1084), The Great Game (2323) and The Hounds of Baskerville (1373). Each of these has a whole episode in the show. I would also venture to say that they are all among the episodes with the most coherent plot-lines, easy to follow and not interrupted by much weirdness.

ASiB, on the other hand, is an episode that is partly divided into a series of flashbacks showing different cases that Sherlock and John worked with. The blog covers them as The Geek Interpreter (690 words), The Speckled Blonde (632), The Aluminium Crutch (1080) and The Six Thatchers (614). All these minor blogposts are shown very briefly in the show, more like news flashes, and The Six Thatchers isn’t shown at all (the events in the blogpost differ a bit from the later episode in S4, but the main structure is the same). 

The actual main plot-line of the episode is covered by the very short blogposts Sherlock Holmes Baffled, By Royal Appointment, Christmas, Happy New Year, Actually Happy New Year and The Woman. The title ‘A Scandal in Belgravia’ doesn’t even exist on John’s blog (maybe it’s Sherlock’s invention?)! And as we know, ASiB has a lot of weird scenes in it, with spinning images, Sherlock being drugged, a dream scenario with Irene Adler, a mystic sitting John who is not really there, a plane full of dead people, quick leaps between different places, The Woman attending a client, Moriarty blowing a rasberry like a child, etc, etc. None of these things are covered by the blogposts.

And - strangely enough - the mysterious Boomerang case did apparently not merit its own blogpost - I wonder if Sherlock even told John the solution to this case? It would have been a great story, and there was no secrets connected to it! But the only thing John says about it is: “So there I am, dealing with a mysterious death in the middle of the countryside when suddenly I'm whisked away in a helicopter and taken to Buckingham Palace”. And the whole dead-people-on-a-plane sequence did not make it into the blog (John blames this on ‘national secrecy’ of course).

On the other hand we have TRF, which has a long, exciting and very distinct plot line in the show, but all the blog says about it is this:

And then he adds that Sherlock saved two childrens’ lives, and that’s it. John has good reasons not wanting to talk about it, though, since Sherlock supposedly committed suicide after this. 

It’s definitely also worth noticing that apparently Moriarty both hacked the blog and broke into 221 B at some point between THoB and TRF, since he uploaded a video showing this on the blog. Jim pays attention to the following objects in 221B: 

Lot’s of notes:

Headphones on the bison head:

Abundance of books:

That Sherlock is emotional:

And - last but not least - Skulls!! I see you Arwel Wyn Jones

Jim’s break-in and blog-hacking is never addressed in the show, but I think it’s quite interesting that all these things seem to be recurring themes later in the show - including the fact that Moriarty shows up at 221B (I’ll get back to this is a later meta). I do regard this as more evidence for Hypothesis #2; if Sherlock has been reading up on John’s blog and is re-living the memories, Jim’s observations might have got stuck in his head for future reference.

Anyway, after TRF we have three short blogposts about cases that Sherlock had solved before TRF; The Deadly Tealights (410 words), Death by Twitter (452) and Murder at 'The Orient Express' (449). Non of them is mentioned in the TV show. The Inexplicable Matchbox (297), however, is briefly accounted for by Sherlock in his Best Man speech in TSoT. 

And then there is Many Happy Returns - 470 words on the blog. It’s short in the show as well, but at least a little longer than most of the other renditions of John’s shorter blog cases. The hiatus was long, however, so it makes sense that the TV show would show us at least some things from Sherlock’s doing in the mean time. Which John would know nothing about, of course. ;)

In TEH, when Sherlock comes back, the show has this irregular plot line again, with a series of different cases and even more weirdness than ASiB. At first we see Anderson’s ridiculously romanticized (and heteronormative) idea of what happened to Sherlock at the Fall, and Lestrade dismissing it. Then Sherlock is captured and viciously tortured in Serbia, but when he comes back to London directly after, he seems fine and healthy; just a bit of shaving and he’s ready to play jokes on John. Which ends with more violence. 

The time line is tricky to follow and the plot line is unfocused; when exactly was John kidnapped? How many cases did Sherlock solve before John saw fit to visit him? What was the whole terrorist plot actually about? And there’s a very strange interlude with Anderson questioning Sherlock about how he survived, at the same time as a terrorist bomb is about to explode in a subway wagon with John and Sherlock in it. 

But the interesting thing is that the show’s twists and turns are fairly consistent with the blogpost The Empty Hearse (828 words), which starts with “Where do I even begin?”. The post is all jumbled up and mixed with a lot of John’s feelings - many of them expressing anger, disbelief and a deep resentment towards Sherlock. And back is the ‘psychopath’ talk, which John had tuned down considerably during the hiatus. (How can he even publish such rubbish as if he were writing an interesting account of a huge case of national security they solved together? And after everything he had said in Sherlock’s defense? I’m appalled, and tempted to agree with Sherlock’s blog comment “I see you haven't spent the last two years working on your writing technique”).

Finally, TSoT. John’s blog posts don’t cover the wedding at all, which would be logical if John only used the blog to describe the crime cases. But he obviously doesn’t, so wouldn’t this be something John would be happy to describe? His own wedding?? And he would definitely have time, seeing as he’s letting Sherlock do most of the wedding planning and preparations! But there’s nothing, and the Stag Do seems to be censored even in Sherlock’s brain by John: “We'd just returned from a quiet, civilised evening in the pub when our latest client arrived at Baker Street”. Not even the show shows us this picture. ;) (promo X)

As we all know, however, the wedding stretches over a whole TV episode, much of which is telling us what Sherlock relates in his Best Man speech; he gives fairly brief accounts of a series of cases, and he has John’s blog open on his iPhone as support: The Poison Giant (695 words), Happily Ever After (577), The Elephant in the Room (150 words; censored) and The Hollow Client (396). Two cases he actually solves on site, though: The Bloody Guardsman (496 words) and The Mayfly Man (286). We also see a certain amount of weirdness, where time is sometimes played fast forwards (the dinner), and Sherlock has a long session in his mind palace shaped as a court room.

And, as the last post before the blog stops updating, there’s Sherlock’s own hacker post with the title of the actual episode: The Sign of Three (312 words).

Just one more thing about the wedding: what’s important is not just the stuff that’s in the show - it’s also what’s not in the show: the actual wedding! And I suspect we have a clue about that here:

We don’t see the actual wedding ceremony when John Hamish Watson makes his marital vows to Mary Elisabeth Morstan and puts a ring on her finger. Not even a flash of it! Sherlock does post some wedding photos in his one and only post on John’s blog, but none of them depicts the actual wedding ceremony. If the show would be ‘realistic’, wouldn’t this be just as important to show? Well, not if we’re inside Sherlock’s head, and the last thing in the world he wants to think about is precisely this moment...

So, do we have a general pattern here? Yes, in fact we do, I believe. The pattern is that when John describes a case at length and in detail on his blog, the corresponding episode in the TV show is also relatively lengthy and coherent. But when there are shorter case stories written, these events tend to merely get quick flashbacks in the show, if at all mentioned. And for ASiB, TEH and TSoT the main course of events gets split up into a series of different posts on the blog, while in the TV show they appear like a chain of events, full of suspiciously weird scenes.

My conclusion from this is that the show does vary according to the patterns on John’s blog. Which speaks in favour of the idea that we’re in Sherlock’s mind as he’s looking back on his days with John. It’s as if he adopts his brain activity to the blog pattern.

So, let’s move on to the next prediction:

Prediction 3. If Hypothesis #2 is correct, then there might be some tell-tale signs that we’re in Sherlock’s EMP, even if it’s not spelled out. 

The concept of Sherlock’s mind palace (MP) is explained by John to Dr Stapleton in THoB, at Baskerville’s military lab:

I think his MP is pretty thoroughly shown in the scenes that follow John’s explanation, in a manner that we then can recognize in the rest of the show. The usual ‘advertising’ of when Sherlock is in his MP is that texts and images appear on our screen and we can hear sound effects, and all this seems to have nothing to do with in-show ‘reality’. The contours get blurry and (sometimes rainbow-like) light patterns appear. And the whole scene is spinning.  

It’s just that sometimes these tell-tale signs occur separately even when it’s not obvious that Sherlock actually goes into his MP. The topic is treated in this meta, which has a lot of interesting contributions from different people in the additions. @gosherlocked pointed out, for example, that John and ‘Mary’s wedding photo was also a spinning scene - and that’s not supposed to be in MP, if the show is meant to depict ‘reality’, is it? And in fact, in this meta by @kateis-cakeis, we can see that there were spinning scenes already in ASiP - the very first episode.

I think @monikakrasnorada’s meta series “Hiding in plain sight” (8 parts in total) about the evolution of Sherlock’s mind palace is a very helpful tool for trying to sort out MP issues.  @monikakrasnorada points out, for example, that some scenes in TRF appear to be ‘stealth’ mind palace; it seems like we are indeed in Sherlock’s head, even though this has not been clearly ‘advertised’ by less subtle hints such as deduction text flowing over the filming etc.

In fact, if we start to count the number of occasions where rainbow-like, blurry lights are showing on-screen, or where text is flowing over the screen, I think we’ll have to stay here for quite a while. It’s just that we may have assumed a) that these are ‘just’ artistic expressions from the show-makers and b) that every rainbow is ‘only’ meant as a hint about gay feelings. But those readings don’t actually contradict the possibility that we might be inside Sherlock’s head, do they? 

But couldn’t we perhaps be in John’s MP (or mind cupboard or whatever)? Theoretically yes, but some reasoning and evidence contradicts this:

1. We have never seen any sign that John uses something similar to a MP – ever, neither does he ever mention this. On the other hand, there’s plenty of evidence that this is Sherlock’s method of using his brain, and John outright explains this in THoB.

2. There are scenes in the show that John couldn’t possibly know about. Like Sherlock solving cases in Tibet, New Dehli and Germany in MHR, when he was supposed to be dead. And Anderson being on his track. The blog post Many Happy Returns is about John stating that he has to put all these things about Sherlock behind him and move on. Dramatic crime cases in different parts of the world does not fit in with this. 

3. But the times when we see John alone are in situations where Sherlock could, with his MP and extraordinary brain power of imagination, deduce what John might have said and done. And unlike John, Sherlock has his friend’s thoughts and feelings right there on the blog, as a prompt to start his deductions and imaginations from.

So, I do believe that enough evidence is presented here for Prediction #3 to pass the test.

So, here is my fourth - and last - prediction for Hypothesis #2:

Prediction 4. If Hypothesis #2 is correct, then the TV show will have a more emotional, dramatic and exaggerated account of the events than the blog.

For one thing, there is certainly way more emotions swirling around in someone’s mind than what you can read from blog posts.You probably don’t want to publish the same amount of and intensity of feelings that you can register inside yourself. And now it has been established in S4 that Sherlock is actually very emotional (Mrs Hudson in TLD) and was an ‘emotional child’ when he was very young (Mycroft in TFP). We also know from the very first episode that Sherlock is a real Drama Queen, and he admits repeatedly in HLV and TAB that he never could resist a touch of Drama. 

But he would not tell John about his own feelings regarding the events, would he? It’s very rare to see Sherlock express feelings in the show - especially feelings regarding people. That’s precisely Sherlock’s biggest problem: he tries to repress Sentiment to a point where he appears to be a sociopath to others. So if we’re seeing the show from John’s POV he must have imagined Sherlock having a lot of emotions. Which would be inconsistent with his own judgments about Sherlock in the blog. 

Like I said in my meta about Hypothesis #1: many things in this show seem exaggerated in comparison to John’s blog. Things are not exactly romanticized, but rather dramatized and more ‘fanciful’, given a ‘splash of colour’, overly dramatic music etc. And some things seems so cut out of an action movie that I doubt they’re even supposed to be ‘real’.

Observations: Let’s look at some examples from the show of overly dramatic or exaggerated events that aren’t even mentioned in the blog - or if they are mentioned they’re not described.

I already pointed out in my last meta the rooftop hunt in ASiP as not consistent with John’s description in the blog.

TBB: While John is doing something annoyingly mundane - quarreling with a machine at the supermarket (just the kind of ordinary things Sherlock seems to avoid with all his might) - Sherlock is in a thrilling life-or-death fight in 221B. A masked criminal dressed entirely in robes and scarves is attacking an un-armed Sherlock with a sword. 

Some dramatic, oriental music is playing all over these scenes - even the supermarket one. But Sherlock takes the attacker on single-handedly and knocks him out completely in a matter of seconds. Strangely, by the time John is back from the supermarket, the unconscious man is already gone and Sherlock pretends nothing has happened. Nonchalantly, he offers John his credit card and sends him off on a second shopping-round - now with money. Not a word to John about the fight; why? 

Why do I constantly get the impression that Sherlock has watched too many of John’s action movies? (and horror movies, judging by S4). ‘Bond night’ was something John introduced him to already about the time of TBB, according to the blog. And after that we get ASiB, with Bond references that are never mentioned on the blog: Bond Air and flight 007. The exaggerated treatment of the cruel CIA agent who was dropped more than once from a 2nd floor window and survived is also an example of weirdness (covered in my  Hypothesis #1 meta)

And there’s more in ASiB that isn’t on the blog; Moriarty blowing a raspberry at a text he just sent, as if he could see it flying away? Who has the most lively imagination - Jim or Sherlock? And the Flight of the Dead audience - a Boeing 747 full of dead people that never took off. 

Not technically impossible, of course. But to keep so many dead bodies from their loved ones without any of those finding out? No media headlines about a huge number of mysteriously missing corpses? One single leak would have been enough to destroy the whole operation. A bit risky to come from Mycroft with the Brains, isn’t it?

The silly little things, like the café conversation between John and Mycroft; the fact that Mycroft says 'it would take Sherlock Holmes to fool me’ is suspicious. Why would Mycroft suddenly recognize his little brother as being his intellectual superior in any sense? Wishful thinking, Sherlock! ;) And then the event in Karachi; did Sherlock travel there without John even noticing? Why is the sequence transmitted with disturbances, like it was for a broadcasting, and who would send it and why? And the most ridiculous of them all, yet another case of ‘Sherlock the action-hero’: He manages to fight a whole gang of heavily armed terrorists single-handedly, with a sword? This doesn’t even seem like Sherlock’s memory - it’s pure fantasy!

Then there’s TRF and Moriarty’s weird visit at 221 B. Sherlock is not present at the final session of Jim’s trial, and yet is he reciting verbatim what’s being said by the judge. Perhaps not impossible but quite unlikely. When John calls Sherlock after the trial to say than Jim was found ‘not guilty’, Jim is already on his way to Baker street; Sherlock’s kettle has just boiled when he arrives (takes about 3 minutes). 

Now we’re talking impossible, though; how did he manage to get there so quickly? A London ambulance, according to Sherlock, takes 8 minutes to arrive (HLV), but Moriarty is there in 3? And why such a hurry? He was in custody - didn’t he at least need to ‘check out’ first? Weird. And of course, TRF is not covered by the blog, since John didn’t want to talk about it. 

When Sherlock comes back in TEH, we get this irregular plot line again, with even more weirdness than ASiB. Sherlock being captured in Serbia might of course have happened, but what we see is a rather unlikely scenario, and absolutely none of it is mentioned in the blog. The weirdness consists in a) that the young Serbian guard is wearing an old Red Army uniform from WWII rather than a modern Serbian one, 

b) that Mycroft would treat his tortured brother like a piece of trash, even when the torturer was gone, and c) that Sherlock got his back whipped, but shortly afterwards we see him being shaved lying on it. Is this Superman?

And then he’s immediately fit to go play a joke on John. Yeah, right... 

A more possible scenario I could think of (and this is mere speculation, but I still think it fits) is that Sherlock was suffering emotionally; it was torture to him to know that John had ‘found someone’ and was going to move on. Because that’s how John described it on the blogpost Many Happy Returns, which maybe Sherlock could read from where he was. It’s only a month between the MHR blogpost and the TEH blogpost. Which means that it took a relatively short time for Sherlock to finish whatever he was doing and return to London, once he learned that John was moving on. Love is a vicious motivator, I guess...

So, I think we’ve gathered enough examples now to say that yes, Prediction #4 passes the test; there is a pattern of overly dramatized and exaggerated events on the show compared to the blog. 

All in all, after all these tests, I think that Hypothesis #2 holds water; The show as we know it up until John’s wedding might very well be Sherlock re-living their story together in his MP, after reading John’s blog.

Another thing that occurred to me is something I believe @kateis-cakeis has said (don’t remember where - sorry): In ASiP (but not in the Pilot) Sherlock says to Lestrade: “But they take the poison themselves; they chew, swallow the pills themselves. There are clear signs. Even you lot couldn’t miss  them”. But no-one has yet told him that the victims had eaten pills, rather than having been injected with the poison or swallowed some liquid. How could he know? Well, if he was recollecting his memories, after confronting the serial killer he would already know, wouldn’t he?

In one of the comments about the last installment, @sagestreet pointed out a series of things that speaks in favour of this hypothesis (for which he invented the name ‘possibly-raggedy theory’ :) ) One of them was that this idea combines the EMP theories with a late entering into Sherlock’s extended mind palace (HLV) with those of an early entering (Pilot EMP), and also explains some POV inconsistencies. Another point was this:

“And, for any viewer who might feel uncomfortable with the idea that we’ve been in Sherlock’s head all along, your theory would also provide a nice little consolation: We would have seen everything play out from Sherlock’s POV, but it would still be close enough to reality to not make people completely freak out. I mean, it would be Sherlock’s recollection (and, at times, overdramatization) of the actual events, which as you argue, quite convincingly, would only be recorded in the blog.  But it would still be ‘close enough’. (I can totally see Mofftiss doing something like this, by the way.)” 

Well, it sounds about right to me. Possibly I’m biassed. ;)

The next installment will be about Hypothesis #3: The weirder scenes from ASiB to TSoT means Sherlock is influenced by drugs.

Tagging some people who might be interested: @ebaeschnbliah @sarahthecoat @sagestreet @tjlcisthenewsexy @88thparallel @fellshish @darlingtonsubstitution @gosherlocked @mrskolesouniverse @sectoralheterochromiairidum @csi-baker-street-babes @meta-lock

[rairun]

Last Saturday @quietroomineedyounow and I watched It's Always Right Now, Until It's Later by Daniel Kitson. It was my third time - I was there when it was filmed in 2012 (you can spot @nymeth and me in the audience!), and then we saw it again a couple of years later when Kitson did a cinema tour. Now he's finally made it available for rental on Vimeo, and YOU SHOULD ALL SEE IT. [Spoilers ahead] It goes like this: Kitson stands alone on stage with light bulbs hanging all around him, as he narrates different moments in the lives of Caroline Carpenter and William Rivington. Each light bulb represents one of those moments. He starts from his death and her birth, and then alternates between them as he moves towards his birth and her death. I remember I had trouble following the story the first time around - the fact that I wasn't very familiar with his Yorkshire accent at the time didn't help, but the structure of the play doesn’t make it easy either. Whereas later shows like Tree and A Show for Christmas give you time to breathe - if you get distracted for a moment, you can easily regain your bearings - It's Always Right Now, Until It's Later can be pretty unforgiving. It's densely packed and fast-paced, and the moments Kitson tells us about are years apart: if you miss a few lines, you might end up having to make sense of a completely different scene, in a completely different place, often with completely different characters, with few visual cues to help you out. The performance is great; it’s just difficult to follow at times. A kinder way to put it is to say it rewards multiple viewings - and I do want to be kind here because the show displays so much generosity, and such an incredible openness of heart, not only towards its characters but all of us who are here in the business of living and breathing and dying and being forgotten. After we watched it, as she was walking me to the bus stop near her flat, Sophie said that Kitson was really good at picking up on and describing experiences we could all relate to, and I think she is right. He knows how to zoom in on those mundane experiences to show exactly why we still want to be here experiencing them. Or why sometimes we don't. Sometimes we are confused, and we fail to see how any of this is worth living at all. When he's nearly 40, Kitson tells us, William goes on a dinner date with a woman. In the middle of the date, William launches into such a misguided tirade about how it is all bullshit - the way they talk, and the way they exchange pleasantries and small talk, hiding all the ways that four decades of living on this planet have left them scarred, and scared, and hungry for connection, while repeating the same safe conversations they've had with countless other people. Kitson is great here because he exposes a sense of loneliness and frustration so many of us experience privately, but his way of telling it is really funny - and the joke is on how self-important it all can be. The joke is on the sense we are different and privy to some truth no one else can see, and he sets it up in a way that shows how men in particular tend to condescend even as they are trying to connect. Caroline too experiences similar feelings in her 30s, even though she has a husband and a little boy. The scene starts when she asks her husband to sit down, and she confesses she's had an affair. Now, I'm as tired of stereotypically straight relationships as anyone else - I'm tired of the repetition of dilemmas that don't have to be dilemmas at all, of all the love triangles, of the refusal to see alternatives to heteronormative modes of living. But even in a relatively traditional context, Kitson has a way of peeling these layers away and showing sentiments that are common to us all. Benjamin feels shattered, but "he takes her hand, he tells her that it's all right." And when she says that it's not all right, he asks her "what she wants him to do, to storm out, to smash things, to hit her, is that what she wants? What does she want him to say? That it's over? That he hates her? That she's ruined it?" And when she says of course not, he just asks her why. Caroline feels so guilty, but over the weeks and months and years, she finds herself telling her husband things about herself she never thought she would tell anyone. This is the type of connection that William wanted so desperately, and here we have Caroline experiencing it exactly when things go off track, when she allows herself to explore the feelings a wife and mother supposedly shouldn't have. And sure, maybe Benjamin could have had an easier time shaking off the feeling that it only happened because he was not loved enough. Maybe he could have seen love as something else entirely. Maybe Caroline never needed to have felt so guilty for so long. But despite all the useless suffering, and all the feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness he might have felt, Benjamin listens to her because he loves her, and deep down he knows that this openness is a rare and precious thing. One of my favorite parts of the show takes place a few years before that, when Caroline has her first baby, and she's tired, and the baby won't stop crying. As she tries to make her way to the hospital in the rain, she starts sobbing herself, and an older woman on the street looks at her and tells her that it's all normal, it's going to be all right, and it's all so simple and kind and profound at the same time. There are a couple of other moments in the show where a person tells another that whatever is happening is normal, and they are so full of compassion for people who can feel just as alone and scared and singled out as us. And these small pieces of kindness, these moments of human connection, are passed on and on in the most unlikely ways, in the most unexpected yet necessary situations. And then there's the scene where William is on the bus, holding a gift for his father (and he's been noticing for a while now that the gifts he gives are better than the ones he receives from him). Kitson does a wonderful bit of observational comedy here - and this is something that is lacking from all my descriptions so far, the sense of how funny he is all the time. He describes how annoyed William feels about a boy who keeps pressing the bell, and how William keeps hoping his mother will tell him off. But once she actually does, William starts rooting for the boy instead; and when she finally loses it and humiliates him in front of everyone, slapping his legs until they're red, it dawns on William that this is how she is teaching the boy to be a person. He realizes the ripples and consequences of this personal trauma, and of all the ones like it, connecting hurt and abuse over the span of years and generations, and suddenly he is aware that the gift sitting on his lap "is barely even adequate." Meanwhile, after Caroline goes to university, she develops a sense of displacement in relation to her home, like it is only a place that she visits now. Kitson talks about how your relationship with your parents changes over the years, how things aren't necessarily worse, but they are different, and at some level there's a sense of loss. The people who shaped so much of your personality, and the place where you learned how to be yourself, no longer occupy the same space as they once did in your life. It made me think of myself at twenty-seven, with my eyes wide open at 4am in a dark flat in Manchester, realizing for the first time that I would never again go down the stairs in the apartment where I grew up, long after my parents had gone to sleep, tiptoeing to my room and into bed, aware of all the city noises outside the window. I would never live somewhere where my parents ate dinner and watched TV and slept every night, while I went online and spoke to people from all of the world, and saw my life stretching out in front of me like a long road to who knows where. That night was when it hit me, and I was thousands of miles away, and I didn't know there was even a road leading anywhere anymore, but I was grateful that my parents had been kind to me and that I had become me. Another thing that I found very well done was how William's stories felt different because we already knew where his life was going. When we get to his late 20s, we find that he's friends with a really lovely couple who had just had a baby. And you feel happy but also sad, because the moment the three of them are sharing together is so sweet, but then it dawns on you that it's also so fleeting - the story of his life is moving backwards, so if his friends had never been mentioned before, that must mean they lost touch. This works really well because it's not heavy-handed: no one is there reminding you that it is going to be over soon, but you know. And finally, there is also a beautiful part towards the end that I found so moving. Caroline dies, but it isn't moving just because she is gone. We get a lovely scene that shows Benjamin doing something that she had wanted to do not too long before her death. And after they both die, that one action of his, so unassuming and so imbued with love, creates a ripple that outlives them. But no one has a freaking clue about it - not even the people who are there, seeing it with their own eyes and having their own significant moments, made possible only because of those two elderly people who no longer exist. This scene could have been really clichéd, but it isn't. It's so well written and delivered. It really makes you feel like you're part of something much bigger, with a deep joy and a deep sadness, with an awareness that our love for things and people is so meaningful and so insignificant at the same time.