#i have multiple core childhood memories that include them for no reason

[rainedroptalks]

hey did anyone else collect shopkins like an insane person as a child or was that just me

[sageandred]

The way Shameless fans have always argued in favor of their faves and against their least favorite characters to be worse than them is so funny. You can't judge Shameless characters too hard on a moral basis. You just can't. The show is called: Shameless.

°

Mandy- tried to s.a. multiple times, but grew up with learned behavior around an abusive dad who s.a.'d her himself (she walks around with no pants for god's sake; that's sad because she doesn't even realize it's not normal); oh and almost forgot - ran over Karen, but had history of repressed anger problems, learned fight not flight retaliation responses, and jealousy after repeatedly being treated bad (and not just by Karen)

Fiona- made 10000+ mistakes, including almost killing her brother, but never had a childhood and was forced into parenting while never learning how to parent in the first place

Lip- #1 screw up for his own life (I guess it's his life, you can't blame him), because he hates himself and is self destructive also due to his upbringing; was angry and rude more times than I can count to Fiona, but he is angry due to his exact same feelings towards his (non) childhood

Ian- what did Ian even do...? cheat on anyone but Mickey? (edit: dang he did that too - but it doesn't count) ...be too serious for seasons 6-9?? (< jk, i love him; that's taken from real critiques.) be transphobic? (I hate, but it's valid he's uneducated - my memory is bad i don't even think he was transphobic just clueless on some things)

Carl- be the worst runner when trying to escape cops? a messed up child taxidermist?

Debbie- We can hate Debbie, jk! I do wish her storyline unfolded better, because it totally makes sense the need to grow up too fast and try to emulate Fiona (that's all I'll give her 'cause I understand, but I'm not trying to write an essay on my complicated feelings on how they could've portrayed Debbie's character arc better)

Recognize their shameless flaws. And have your faves, I agree. But to compare them and be on your moral high ground about why fans should recognize more individual actions as bad is void at the start of the argument.

Because Monica VS Frank - They both suck as much as I can recognize they both are sad, vulnerable, childlike lost causes at the core. But people always argue Monica is worse. Why, because she left? Honestly, good she spared them as opposed to mooched off and sat around doing nothing. Frank is funny (which I think is the only reason people like him more), but they're both the same level of shitty parents. WHICH IS THE POINT...to understand the kid/y.a. characters' bad trauma responses

°

"I think we as a society, should acknowledge how [blank] shouldn't be praised." That's like saying: "the Joker is villianous, guys did you know??" like why am I getting recommended arguments for why certain characters suck more?! In the year 2024, for god's sake?!?

Terry Milkovich, tho, is GOD AWFUL; hate on him all you want. x

[cock-lore]

Personal post to get off my chest:

It's truly an experience realizing that I always felt like the black sheep for completely valid reasons. I always attributed it to my queerness, but reflecting on my upbringing, I have every right to feel like an outlier in my family. Growing up, it was literally always that my two brothers would have other kids/friends that were also siblings of the same age, then I would be left completely alone while they hung out and my parents chatted with their parents.

It wasn't even just once or twice where this happened, it was 3 different friends of families as well as when we went to my cousin's. They would hang out in the basement while I talked with their grandma on the side I'm not related to. And that pattern just kept happening.

No wonder I'm a poorly adjusted adult that struggles to properly access levels of friendship. In my mind, if somebody is even willing to pay attention to me, I will be a ride or die for them. This has led to so many terrible friendships because I've never truly unlearned the loneliness taught to me since young childhood.

I'm not even mad at my family though, I can't really place blame on any one aspect. My parents thought my siblings were including me, and my siblings thought I was with our parents. How would they know that I had learned to read the room and understand when my presence was not desired at the age of 4.

Because of the isolation, I learned to find joy from being with myself. For example, a core memory is of me sitting in a closet waiting to hear if anybody in the family would ask where I was. I also apparently (I don't remember it, but was told about it recently) just left the house in the middle of the night multiple times before I was in kindergarten to just walk around. I do not know how that was not a red flag that something was up with my psyche.

This just really hit me in the heart when I made the connection this morning and I don't know how I want to move forward. I want to wallow in self-pity, but I also know that won't help in the long-run. And I will not bring it up to my family because that would only make them feel terrible for something they didn't know they were doing.

[thebrokengate]

While I do enjoy all three, I have to go with the OG, Phineas and Ferb. PNF found the best rhythm from the start; we're given a storyline for each group of characters, and by the end of every episode, everything that took place is all wrapped up in a neat little bow (save for the intended 2-parter of "Where's Perry?" that left us with a cliffhanger for a reason). The characters (both in personality and design) and humor are very memorable, and I'll tell you, until my recent rewatch, I hadn't seen the show since I was practically a kindergartener and yet I still remembered the entire main cast very well - which is really saying something for me as someone with otherwise awful memory issues. Phineas and Ferb became one of those core memory TV shows from my childhood that will always have a special place in my heart for years to come no matter how old I get.

Milo Murphy's Law, however, became a very close second favorite Dwampyverse show - despite a few minor grievances I'll give now. One, MML never found quite the same rhythm as PNF did when it came to intertwining character plotlines - and I'm especially talking about Cavendish and Dakota. In both seasons, their storyline often felt overlooked and/or dragged out for no reason and it felt like they couldn't give them enough story to survive the rest of the plot until the time travel and alien storylines came back in full swing. In both seasons, there were episodes where they were either missing altogether or only had one or two short scenes in an episode that made me question "why even include them in this episode at all if they're getting almost no screen time and aren't doing anything of much importance yet?", especially considering that they're not just background characters. Two, sometimes this show felt like it was afraid to get emotional. They'd come out with a partnership break-up storyline in season 2 between Cavendish and Dakota or Doofenshmirtz and Perry, and despite dragging it out for multiple episodes, everything was resolved in probably not even a minute long exchange of dialogue and it's like- what. Definitely felt like there should've been more conversation to be had there after all that, imo. If it's not going to be a break-up and make-up contained in one single episode, it needs more attention than that. Three, the inclusion of the PNF crossovers - not that I didn't like those, I did - but, and this is just a more minor nitpick to me, did it feel like to anyone else that the character designs just didn't match up? I mean, in PNF we have characters with triangle heads and other exaggerated body features, and yet in MML.. well, let's just say there's more of a lack of character design diversity that makes the PNF characters look a little out of place to me in comparison next to them. And four, while there are a lot of good humorous moments, there are also the handful of jokes or supposed-to-be-funny moments that just didn't hit for me and some of the bits came off more like they were trying too hard to be funny. Grievances aside, however, I loved the show for what it was - the complexity of the time travel plotline that I very much enjoyed (and my equal confusion at some of its complexities can't be summed up better than with the clip of the Peach Paradox, lol), the overcoming of adversity for Milo and his friends struggling against Murphy's Law every day, even the alien sci-fi plot of season 2 that I also liked (though the time travel/Pistachion takeover from season 1 is still the more interesting storyline to me) and the angsty break-ups that came with it - all made the show a blast to me, and much like the theme song says, I was never bored even for a minute. (And speaking of the theme song - hot take, but MML literally has one of the best, most catchy cartoon theme songs ever that gets stuck in my head at least four out of seven days of the week, if not more.)

Hamster and Gretel I'm going to rate in last place, but that doesn't mean I hated it. I did like it.. but something felt like it was missing to me that I could never quite place. Well, aside from the lack of gay people I guess, but- personal biases (I'm looking at you, MML, you angsty little-). 😅 Anyway. H&G also just didn't have as interesting of characters to me. I liked almost none of the villains Hamster and Gretel were fighting against, and they just weren't as memorable to me. The storylines all just seem to blur together in my head looking back on it because it has hardly wildly different things going on in each episode. It's formulaic like PNF, but without the added spice of impressive contraptions or even without the added spice of absolute mayhem that MML brought to the table - both things that set every episode apart from each other. I think H&G tried that with its villains sometimes, but their efforts just weren't as memorable. It is still fun episodically though with what it's trying to do, but hopefully future episodes will change my perspective on the show as a whole for the better.

i want to start a fight in the dwampyverse community. so i am going to make a purposely divisive poll for the sake of starting arguments . make sure you get really violent about it too

your hot takes must be at least 3 paragraphs in length and very confrontational (if you want to actually write or make something you can tag it with #dwampy deathmatch, i doubt we’ll get another bap miracle but if you’re all entertained enough by this you can give it a try)

you have a week to decide. discuss

[mcmusing]

Yesterday I talked about how Johnny Storm's emotionally stunted. This applies to two other self-proclaimed New Yorkers as well.

I love that Neal Caffrey and Mike Ross are in their late 20s/early 30s while still in critical need of parental figures and reining in. Something more people need to realize is that no birthday automatically transforms someone into an adult. I'm not referring to ridiculous slackers who do nothing but eat cereal and play video games all day because their mothers enable them. Different experiences can cause some to grow up quickly or extremely slowly. The physical body aging means nothing if the mind hasn't caught up to it for whatever reasons. Even more fascinating, Neal and Mike are both geniuses overflowing with potential. They are hindered by their troubled pasts, being raised by women unprepared to be single parents to boys, untreated mental issues, and a severe lack of positive male role models for most of their lives. When that last detail is rectified, things start falling into place for them.

Similar to Mike, Neal's problems are rooted in having his childhood abruptly flipped upside down. Though Neal's drastic change- learning his 'hero' cop father was actually a crooked one- did not occur until his 18th birthday, it completely tainted his childhood and entire world view. Since his whole life, including his name, became tainted, lying became second-nature for him. Sometimes without him realizing it. Though he primarily goes by Neal Caffrey, he uses a wide range of aliases with varying experiences and areas of expertise. This chameleon ability almost comes off as if he might have a touch of multiple personality. Honestly, I believe he's a young boy playing dress-up, wanting to be anyone but himself. Peter has even referred to him as an 'alias savant'.

Neal's genius is different from Mike's magical memory. Neal is self-taught and learned a great deal while traveling all over the world. Though he doesn't have so much as a high school diploma, not limiting his education to the American public school system, made him an expert in the fields he loves. He's also a lightning quick-thinker, able to adjust to the unpredictable without letting panic show. This likely comes from him being like Johnny Storm and seeing the world as a great big hedonistic game. A very favored coping mechanism for many. He's also highly empathetic and able to read people. He uses it for manipulation at times, but at his core, Neal is a kind, loving, compassionate but very damaged person.

I've mentioned before that something great about male bonds is that the elders don't fill the novices with false platitudes and entitlement. They drop hard truths all the time and this is true of Peter as well. The agent was the first adult to take such a focused interest in him without trying to recruit him for a heist. Neal adored his attention so much, he sent him birthday gifts. Peter is also the one most honest with him and any information he doesn't immediately disclose is entirely for Neal's protection. For someone so accused of being inept with children and emotions, Peter's love, physical affection, and interest in Neal says otherwise.

For Neal, he doesn't just crave Peter's attention but genuinely looks up to him with the same reverence a child has for his father. Despite his defiant moments, Neal is quite submissive to Peter, but not in an unhealthy or derogatory way. When he's really conflicted on something- like flying off with Kate or Mozzie- he avoids Peter because he's the one he just can't say goodbye to and who can talk him out of things. No matter how many insanely dangerous situations Neal survives, earnest anxiety only kicks in when Peter is harmed or unhappy with him. Whenever he's about to be reprimanded, Neal always resembles a small boy dreading punishment. When Peter is disappointed in his CI, Neal tries to atone with good behavior, gifts, or simply by being adorable. He also takes opportunities to emulate Peter such as taking over his office chair, coveting his Quantico pen, or mimicking his mannerisms.

When Neal is upset with Peter, he doesn't get loud and argumentative. His petulance is displayed through stubborn silence and passive aggressive remarks. It also never lasts very long because at the end of the day, he knows Peter only has his best interests in mind. He almost never pulls the 'but I'm an adult' card, either. He loves working with and being around Peter. None of his successful heists fill him with self-esteem the way the smallest compliment from the agent does. As much as he plays the peacock, Neal carries a lot of self-loathing.

On Peter's part, being there for Neal is an instinct seemingly out of his control. Neal isn't his biological offspring, but there is this almost divine designed unbreakable link between them. Peter has a huge radar where Neal is concerned and needs very little time to piece together his CI's schemes and rationalizations. He claims to keep Neal closely monitored to prevent him from having a criminal relapse, but I'll never believe that's the full reason. Peter is only ever comfortable leaving him in the care of his team. Whenever Neal works with another agent, Peter acts like a parent on predator alert. In season three, when Neal muses about going away to college if he's released, Peter shuts that train of thought right down. He claims it's because he's still deciding about the sentencing, but it's obvious he knows Neal is a kid unprepared to be on his own yet. Nope, to him, Neal is better off settling down with Sara Ellis, right there in New York so Peter can watch his grandkids grow up. He also senses when Neal is spiraling, like the anxiety attacks after Kate died or calling him out of the blue- unaware Neal has broken into his house- to tell him he deserves to be happy and he'll always be there for him.

As stern and suspicious as he can be, Peter receives a unique joy being around Neal. He really does consider him smart, talented, adorable, and precious. Neal's impish moments around the office only make him smile. Peter offers Neal gentle touches without provocation, as if he can detect his touch starvation. His tendency to do this in season three seemed to be a subconscious means of re-enforcing their familial tie despite the fallout from the nazi treasure.

There's another thing about the third season. After months of hiding the treasure along with it resulting in Elizabeth's kidnapping, I thought it would take a long arc for Peter to even look at Neal without disgust. Wow has a theory of mine never been more wrong. Immediately after those game-changing events, Peter acts like a displeased father to a son who stole the car over the weekend to take his buddies to a concert. While undercover, he refers to Neal as his bright but impulsive son. He even describes Neal's crimes as misbehaving. These implications lead me to believe that while Peter keeps him out of prison, Neal faces actual consequences in private between the two of them.

Neal claims at one point that Peter would not have been able to save him if they met when Neal was a teenager. All evidence makes that pretty unbelievable. A mere couple of years working with Peter has such a profound affect alone. There's no way teen foster child Neal would not have gone to college then straight into the FBI to join Dad's team.

It was pretty out of character for Peter- naturally so possessive of the kid- to encourage Neal to give wanted rogue cop and deadbeat dad James a chance. But I'll let that go due to how events unfolded. It was like watching the major flaw in open adoptions. The biological parent pops in to talk about some superficial similarities while the adoptive parent continues to do all the work. Why was James so useless when Neal got sassy at the dinner table? Where was James with a pickle juice remedy for the hangover HE caused Neal to fall into?! Did James survive an attempted vehicular assassination only to refuse to stop helping Neal get answers?!! No, all of that and more was Peter, Peter, PETER! Even Neal told that blue-eyed bum that Peter is his real father. And James almost HIT Neal for trying to stop him from leaving. Neal tried to furiously fight Peter in boxing and he only reacted by trying to calm the kid down.

In all honesty, 30-something Neal got appropriate closure from his jacked up past. The heroic father he believed in turned out to be a myth. Throughout the series, Neal describes Peter to others as this steadfast, all-knowing, dependable force of nature he can always count on. This real heroic father he acquires much later finally gave him a wonderful example of what a man should be.

Up next: Baby Harvey 👱💓

[kaypeace21]

Some of your favorite characters are Will’s split personalities (psych/narrative analysis)

This is part 2 of my DID analysis. Part 1 focusing on how the supernatural events of the series correlate to Will’s past with Lonnie. Before, I explain who I believe are alters of Will’s (previously called ‘split personalities’). I think I need to explain a crash course on what Dissociative Identity disorder (DID: previously ‘multiple personality disorder’) entails. And the supernatural manifestation within the show as well- Before explaining which characters I believe are alters of Will’s and why. So let’s begin.

There are 4 hallmarks of a potential dissociative disorder

“Dissociation is when instead of staying present in the face of stress you exit your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations and zone out. . It’s as if your body is a computer that reaches overload for input then just shuts down.’ It’s considered a defense mechanism in psychoanalytic theory.”

‘An individual struggling with dissociation or a dissociative disorder may only experience one of the following or may experience multiple. Each individual’s experience with dissociation can be varied. Symptoms can last just a matter of moments or return at times over the years.” 

1)“Identity confusion and alteration -When an individual forgets who they are or takes on a new personality unlike themselves.” (Aka his possession).

2)Dissociative Amnesia-”The forgetting of a major event, such as a childhood trauma or forgetting (traumatic) things happening in real-time.Many survivors of are able to “forget” until sometime later …when memories are triggered by certain events or when the body and mind are no longer able to conceal the memories.” (Aka Will’s ‘now memories’. The reason he refers to them as “now-memories” is because they are things he’s already experienced (as memories) but he’s only now remembering - because of his “dissociative-amnesia’

3)”Derealization-Feeling like the world is not real or is foggy.” (the upsidedown)

4) “Depersonalization-The sense of not being in control of, or not being connected to, one’s body.”

vocab and definitions (about DID) to keep in mind 

CORE/HOST- “The core is considered by some to be the person first born to the body. The host is the alter who most commonly uses the body (which may or may not be the core).”

ALTERS - “are dissociated self states that can be highly differentiated from each other. They can have unique names, appearances, ages, gender identities, sexualities, memories (pasts), skills, faiths, political views, abilities, and ways of viewing and interacting with the world. Alters can even perceive themselves as different species, inanimate objects, or as members of a different race, gender, age, or ethnicity/race.No one can choose to have alters or what their alters are like. Alters' creation is entirely unconscious. Most alters have their own sense of identity.  A host  cannot actually control the alter.An individual with DID has one brain and one body. Dissociative barriers between alters are not literal boundaries, and knowledge, memories, skills, preferences, and traits may bleed through.Alters usually have a role or multiple roles in a smaller system- these roles may or may not appear contradictory.”

SYSTEM-”A system is a collection of alters within one body.Subsystems are two or more groups of alters that might have developed separately, and they may or may not be aware of the other group.”

INNER WORLDS-”it could be a house, to a city, or multiple locations-where alters go when not in control of the body. The innerworld is where alters can interact with one another and where there physical appearance is how they describe .Communication between alters may happen face-to-face (in each other's respective bodies, via the internal world). Expansive internal worlds can result when highly imaginative or dissociative systems use their inner world to retreat from the outside world and so play out entire stories within their mind. Alters may be perceived as having internal lives when not active in the outside world, and these inner lives may involve travel to other internal locations. Many internal happenings may be metaphorical or highly symbolic of the core’s past. Inners worlds may also have characters  called "NPCs" (taken from the roleplaying term "non-player characters") that can interact with alters but they are more similar to imaginary constructs rather than actual alters (they can’t control the body and some are made consciously unlike alters-although that’s not always the case). These npcs can be background characters to make the world more real, and it’s not uncommon for parents, family members, or friends of alters to be NPCs.They can feel just as real as natural-born people . Different subsystems may reside in different locations in an internal world or may have non-overlapping internal worlds.”

INTEGRATION- This is essentially the closest thing an alter can do to die- but frankly I consider that comparison harsh. It’s “ when an alter permanently combines with the host or another alter.Fusion occurs when identities merge together and become a unified whole (retaining the memories and some traits of both merging identities.)  Integration into a single, individualized identity IS the goal for some in therapy.  But it is not, and does not have to be, for everyone.  It is possible to achieve full healing by processing memories, establishing communication across the whole mind, lowering dissociative barriers, and showing aptitude in everyone working toward a common goal - all without actually integrating.  Others may choose to integrate SOME parts, or "downsize", but still leave a small system to go about their life.”

“They may retain any number of independently acting alters. Reasons for choosing not to fully integrate can include: feeling that full integration is unnecessary; not understanding what integration actually entails and being afraid of "losing" their alters; uncertainty over how to navigate the world as one integrated person; being used to having alters around for company, entertainment, or support; alters having their own unique relationships that they're hesitant to lose; alters wanting to remain separate for their own sakes.”

SWITCHING-”Switching refers to one alter taking control of the body at the expense of another alter who was previously in control of body or ‘fronting’. Switches can be consensual, forced, or triggered.Switches can be slow, quick, or uncontrollably rapid. Switching can take seconds, minutes, or even days to occur.Stress (Will’s anniversary effect) or even a reminder of a trauma, can trigger a switch of alters.  * I’ll talk more about this later

ALTERS DYING-“Even if mock deaths or temporary experiences of alters “dying” from old age (or other means) have been acted out in some systems, they aren’t actually dying. You cannot kill off a collective part of the conscious mind like you can a person. Their thoughts, memories, emotions will all still be there, so they must be as well. The part may have gone into extreme hiding/dormant, been momentarily immobilized, or merged with another part of the mind (integration), but they most assuredly did not and can not disappear entirely or “be killed”.

Next we’re on to the supernatural concept they chose to use for this disorder.

We see in the first episode.  Will mentions x-men 134 which is about the dark phoenix . The show is litered with x men references like Dustin giving cerebro ( a machine belonging to professor x) to Will. Dustin also asks if El was born with powers “like the x-men.” And Mike also says  El channels Will and Dustin once again says “like professor x.” Now- does anyone know who professor x’s son (David) and the ‘shadow phoenix”are ? Well his son is considered the most powerful mutant in the world and has Dissociative identity disorder (DID).At one point some of his alters literally escape his head and enter the real world as tangible people. The ‘shadow phoenix’ is also a sibling to the ‘dark phoenix’.And this ‘shadow phoenix’ (a ‘shadow monster’ if you will)   terrorized David’s alters and forced them to integrate back into 1 personality . 

In ‘scanners’ one psychic mentions how he “opened the door” to the people trapped in his own mind in order for Daryl to be Daryl again.  While in ‘altered states’ the man (who saw flashes of another dimension) met his ‘unborn self in the crack in the void.’Similar to how Mr clarke and Alexi describes the portals of other dimensions being opened as a ‘door’. However, these doors were created before El- we see El created the one at the lab, but that doesn’t take into account the ones in the tree or the cave. There’s more portals we’re unaware of that allowed alters and npcs to escape and become part of the real world even before El opened the gate in s1. And unbeknownst to some of the characters and the audience we’ve already seen other ‘inner worlds’ of Will’s -besides the upsidedown . Which people (not part of the system) have interacted with . As Dustin in s1 said about the other dimensions / vale of shadows , it’s “ A dark reflection or echo of our world ...It’s right next to you and you don’t even know it” . 

We see both mr clarke stab a pencil into a plate and Alexi a straw into a box to illustrate this. What’s interesting is the one other time we see this motion is when Lonnie says “someone should be held accountable” (referring to what happened to Will), as he hammers into the wall and it transitions to Mike mimicking mr clarke. Implying that Lonnie is responsible and will be held accountable in the future.

-There’s also the fact the ‘dark phoenix’ mentioned in the first episode of St is highly associated with fire- having pyrokinesis (like Will the wise) and  who “had able to warp reality on a universal scale” .  It’s like how the show talks about physics often, like in s3/1 (plank’s constant or Hugh Everett’s many worlds interpretations) - and Einstein who believed quantum mechanics wasn’t real said “God does not play dice with the universe."  So since he was wrong , cause quantum mechanics is real , the quote should be “god plays dice with the universe.” Like Will does in the beginning of the first episode.Will is captured by the demogorgan (in the game) so he was captured in real life because he rolled a 7. I talked more about this more in the mf section.

- It’s similar to one of the Duffers admitted biggest inspirations for the series ‘altered states’. Who’s mental illness alters reality . He hallucinates  seeing flashes of another dimension like Will.

We’ll talk about more evidence of this concept  in the character breakdowns (mostly in the mf section). So now on to the alters (and Npcs) who escaped Will’s mind into the real world as tangible people. 

Tr*gger warning now, because of how DID is caused. “The dissociative aspect is thought to be a coping mechanism - the person literally shut off or dissociated themselves from a situation or experience too traumatic, or painful to assimilate with their conscious self.As many as 99% of individuals who develop dissociative disorders have recognized personal histories of recurring, overpowering, and often life-threatening disturbances or traumas at a sensitive developmental stage of childhood (usually before age 6). It cannot form AFTER the ages of 6-9 years of age, aka 10 and up (though, once you have DID you can develop new alters at any time).DID is rarely diagnosed in children (and is usually diagnosed in adulthood or late teens), despite the average age of appearance of the first alter being 5.9 years old . ”

They’ll be brief mentions of dark subjects in this psych/narrative analysis because of this. I’ll also be listing movies said to inspire s4 of st  (according to st writers), or mentioning movies name dropped by  the cast, the Duffers ,  or in the show itself . 

ALTERS

Max Mayfield & Billy Hargrove 

When Max is first introduced - Mr Clark talks about “brain cells working together as one” (while talking next to a brain).  Similarly, dustin/mike mention mr clarke when saying what’s essentialy a did system “A collective consciousness. this is the thing that controls everything. this is the brain.” This concept about Max , is mentioned again when mr. clark discuses phineus Gage saying he had “a total change in personality that even his friends called him no longer gage.” And emphasizes max and Will in this scene- showing one in clear focus, while another is blurry, and as they make eye contact Max turns away . 

Both are poor, their bio dads aren’t around, both like horror films, comics and videogames. Both their bio dads left them . And both use bats in anger when emulating their abusers ,and both are heavily associated with rainbows. On Halloween she dresses up as a character who as a child dressed up as a clown on Halloween (Will’s fear/ what triggered him on Halloween) and whose surname is Myers (Byers?)

 Billy, like Will , have nicknames for their real name-  ‘william’. Both have abusive dads who called them  homophobic slurs, and forced them to play baseball to man-up.  Billy’s old baseball team is even tigers (the mascot of Will’s elementary school and matching Will’s tiger painting in his room in s1-2).The “it was a 7 “ vs “the wave was 7 feet”. Both hit with needles, into rock music , attracted to Wheelers ,and were the main subjects possessed by the mf. At one point the dark phoenix fails to merge with jean so goes to merge with her clone body as the next best thing. In this case the mf went to Will’s second alter William/Billy. And as Will states “another me.”  And both say about the mf “I’m sorry, he made me do it.” 

Neil and Lonnie both push Jon and Billy against a wall. And Jon tells of a time where his dad made him kill a rabbit . And Billy’s last name “Hargrove” means - “grove filled with rabbits" . While, ‘Mad-max’ her nickname is based on the male 80s film character ‘mad max’ a man being terrorized by a r**ist biker gang who attacks both men/women. It’s also possible that Billy’s appearance was based on Will seeing mrs wheeler’s romance novels? 

In the film “don’t breathe’- the reason why the siblings are from California is alluded to in a flashback of  Jon & Will.  The older sibling (with abusive parents) takes care of the younger sibling like a parent and the little sibling says she wants to be a surfer despite living in a land locked state (without an ocean, like Indianna). Older sibling says one day maybe they can live in California together  . And the Older sibling tells a friend about how their dad left them, and how they were thrown in a dark trunk by an abusive parent as kid . Which was alluded to in s1, when Jon checked the trunk to see if Lonnie put Will in there.And we see the mf (who is emulating Lonnie) doing the same thing to heather, and tom (hitting or strangling them and then throwing them in the trunk).

Certain scenes, are alters re-enacting  past scenes of trauma. “The family dynamics will be played out in a variety of ways but will most obviously be noted in the way the survivor splits off their system.Some survivors will internalize their family into their own DID system. Some alters may reenact trauma and ab*se, sometimes reinforcing ab*sers’ lessons to prevent further ab*se but sometimes serving as a permanent component of an internal flashback.“The reason, Billy acts/is racist is because he’s emulating Neil (but more accurately Lonnie) who told Will not be friends with lucas and thus recreates that moment with Max .lonnie in the s4 films is very racist. Another example, is Will has shown a fear of doors opening (in s1-2) shown by how the demogorgan unlocks the door telepathically (like El does often).And the mf opening doors by themselves in the house and arcade. Neil demands Billy opens his door. And right after Max stares at Will-Billy yells to open the door and tells Max “I’ll cut you b*tch” if she doesn’t open the door. This is because Lonnie said and did similar things to Will if he didn’t open the door.

What connects all 3 is that they all have an absent parent and have baseball associated with them mimicking a familial ab*ser. Even the mf is associated with the sport.

Alexi

Some “ alters can even speak a different language than the host. Despite, the host personality not knowing a single word of the language.’

Similar to Will who won the science fair for 4 years in a row- Alexi is a scientist who has a child like disposition . Will has a fear of clowns (a clown even triggered him on Halloween), and we see that after he’s attacked by a lonnie-look alike he dies surrounded by clowns. 

He also sees a friend strangled by the lonnie-look alike  (using 1 hand) and die. throughout the season the mf who emulates lonnie strangle people the exact same way, with one hand (doing this to joyce, el, heather, and jon). probably cause Will either saw Lonnie strangle someone or was strangled in this way. There’s also the fact when we first see Alexi - lights flicker like in s1 (illustrating a supernatural element associated with Will and others).

And stangertheory pointed this one detail out, when watching woody the woodpecker he says “can we watch loonie toons, now?” murray: ‘no’/ “can we play d&d , now? crew:no. 

Also, “woody in the cartoon is terrorized by Andy and PAPA panda. To Woody's surprise, Andy's attempts prevail, and Woody is taken away to the psychiatric hospital— but not before his captors prove to be crazier than he is” (cough s4 spoiler, but that’s a post for another day).We also have a scene where murray compares him to a child bringing shit in and tries touching his junk with a metal detector. And when Alexi says to stop, Murray says he’ll do as he pleases in his house. Probably a re-enactment .  And Murray mistranslates what he says occasionally as being “n*ked or exposed”, “penetrating a hole”. Also ‘alexi’ may also be a reference to Alexy in russian folklore. A clever-minded priest's son (Lonnie is alluded to be a religious zealot in s4 movies) who wins by tricking and outsmarting his foes and defeating a dragon by trickery. This is another connection to Will who is heavily associated with dragons- for a huge spoiler related reason - let’s just say  mf’s can create dragons, Will drew a dragon, has a dragon poster, read a dragon comic in a s1 flashback , was there for the dragon video game, and Dustin mentions a dragon in s3 because of foreshadowing.

**The mindflayer (previously known as ‘Will the wise’) -persecutor alter 

 “A child that is heavily into fantasy might have alters who present as certain fantasy creatures that the child sees as being capable of protecting them from being hurt again.All of the personalities begin as friends and allies…” We see this with Will’s first alter- Will the wise. Who Will described as having fire powers to attack smart bad guys. And who is based off the rules of d&d.

“ Persecutors are alters who purposefully harm the body, system, host, core, or other alters. Most of the literature on the development of these persecutory alters reports that they usually begin life as protectors and then, for some reason, turn on the host, becoming persecutory. Kluft, in 1985, describes the persecutors as initially "taking all the suffering for the others (alters & host). Persecutory personalities originate from the shame and anger related to the traumatic experience and to the perpetrator. “ 

‘It is usually during the transition between childhood to adolescence when childhood protectors becomes a persecutor.” And begin mimicking the ab*ser. We actually may have seen this transition at the end of s1- where WW became the mf. In d&d lore, mindflayers are created by inserting a tadpole into a human- like what we saw at the end of s1 where Will coughed up the slug from the upsidedown. Meaning all that supernatural stuff we saw Will do in s1 was actually Will the wise (ww) before he turned into the mf. While the flashbacks in s1 (and singing in castle byers) were of the Will we saw in s2-3.

Will says WW is a wizard ( writing on a music tape in s3 “will the wise-wizard mix’ and having his password for castle byers be ‘rhadaghast’- a lotr wizard.)The way they describe d&d Wizards matches Will/mf perfectly “Wizards are adepts and magicians . wizards are able to create spells of explosive fire, sparking lightning, subtle deception, and gross mind control. Their magic summons monsters from other planes of existence, predicts the future, and turns defeated enemies into zombies. Their most powerful spells can transform one substance into another, summon meteors from the sky, and open portals to other worlds”.

Nancy even accidentally calls the mf the “mind -flamer” (aka fire powers of ww ). Dustin says the mf “takes over minds using their highly developed psionic powers” (like wizards).We see Will the wise described as having fire/lightning powers and in the first ep we see him leave Mike’s house causing the lights to flicker, turn on his bike light with his mind (before being attacked by the demogorgan), blink once for yes and twice for no to communicate with Joyce, cause lightning to spark out of the phones twice, and be proficient in guns like Lonnie.  We know the mindflayer is also associated with lightning/storms (but that’s only because it’s one of Ww’s abilities). When Hopper sees Joyce’s phone he even says “storm bq-ed this pretty good.“ And in s2 a scientist said the same phrase while in the upside down looking at the burned equipment the mf created. Showing a correlation between Ww and the mindflayer. CAUSE THEY’RE THE SAME PERSON. In the comic we see electricity come out of Ww’s hands. And in s1 he drew his wizard character with lightning (BEFORE) he went to the upside down.  And in s2 WW was drawn with flames on his cloak.

Will in his cannon journal even draws the mind flayer with red lightning, and later  uses red paper to sketch clouds/lightning and pastes a picture of himself on to it. Because deep in his subconscious (along with the memories of his father- he realizes he created the mf/ww). And Joyce even describes the tunnels he draws as “like lightning.” And note in s1 we are told Lonnie taught Will baseball (and this was when Jon told Will not to mimic him)- and suspiciously there is a baseball and baseball-mitt next to the ‘shadow monster’ (mf) drawing and a bat (next to the ww drawing in castle byers). Cause mf= ww.  Will lies and says the mf is just a sketch for a story he’s writing- but even if that’s not exactly true. The mf is still something he unconsciously created.And of course Will is called ‘zombie boy’ and in s3 when Will watches a zombie movie and writes a d&d story about juju zombies- the mf creates zombies and creates a monster resembling the thing (because when Will was writing his d&d story he was next to the ‘the thing’ poster in s3. In s2 Will playing dig dug which is about underground mazes- so the supernatural underground caves are made. And it’s a callback to the s1 d&d game with “troglodytes “ (cave men). And in s3 the Russians had the underground lab too - sort of being the troglodytes in a way.And similar to s1, after Will watches poltergeist Will/ww is thrust into the same scenario as the little girl (being trapped in another dimension- where the mothers can only hear their voices and communicate to them through electronics ). Like how rolling the 7 in d&d caused him to be captured by the demogorgan in the game and real life. Nancy saying: “So this thing is like a brain that’s controlling everything.”Hopper then says “So how do we kill this thing shoot it with fireballs?”And Dustin says “ No, No, fireballs you summon an undead army.”But Mike actually nails it on the head when he says, “If the brain dies the body dies … closing the gate will kill him(referring to Will).Because it’s not the mindflayers’ brain - it’s Will’s brain- that both Will and the mf share!

In the episode after the mindflayer  enters Will - the episode is literally titled “ Will the wise”. Here we see a ‘slow switch’ occur.”Slow switches are when two or more alters (Will and mf) are co-conscious to varying degrees and slowly blending and retreating to allow one alter (mf) to gain prominence .Some indicators that a switch may be about to occur include feeling "spacey.”

In this episode we don’t see A full switch but ‘blending’. “ A full switch is rarely necessary. Instead of an alter switching to front, they can exert passive influence on the alter currently at front (Will) . Passive influence can be described as intrusions from alters that are not currently prominent in the mind or using the body. This may manifest as ego-alien thoughts, knowledge, memories, feelings, emotions, opinions, preferences, urges, abilities, or actions. These intrusions may vary in strength and influence and may result in the fronting alter taking actions or voicing opinions that they can't explain or account for.” 

We see this with Will’s ‘now memories’ the reason he refers to them as “now-memories” is because they are things he’s already experienced (as memories) but he’s only now remembering them- because of his “dissociative-amnesia’ .  An example is  Will fearing the tub, and  yelling at his mom -confused at his own reaction. Because ww is the one afraid of the tub not Will.This is because this is one of the locations abuse often takes place. There’s at least 20 movies where a bad guy tries drowning someone in a tub. In splice, the cell, and the ring  all incorporate an ab*sive father trying to drown his young child. In the cell the father would beat his son, burn him, called him homophobic slurs, and almost drowned him and causing a seizure.When Will tries to take a bath it’s overplayed with Mr Clarke saying (in front of a model of a human brain) -  “Organisms instinctively respond to danger, expose a bacterium to a toxic chemical and it will flee or deploy some other defense mechanism. We’re very much the same.” As a flash of  Will’s “now-memories” occur as he stares at the tub. And we see a zoom in shot of the back of his head (which Will said is associated with memories) . And Mike stares at Will’s empty desk.Meaning, Will’s starting to fear the bath as he’s  starting to remember (subconsciously) what previously occurred there because of WW- Lonnie/tubs being the ‘toxic chemical’ in the analogy. 

WW fully takes control/switches in the following episode ‘Dig dug’ when he wakes up from the nightmare of Hopper being attacked in the cave- this is indicated by zooming in on the drawing of ‘Will the wise’ before he wakes up. And explains his odd behavior- of being oddly quiet . Looking up surprised at all the cave/vine drawings on the walls. It’s common for alters to pretend to be the host when they switch. He displays being able see into the future (like Will describes WW him being able to do in s3-  like when ww in s2 says Hopper will die), and he late tracks Hopper’s location by closing his eyes like the drawing of ww. Mike mentioning he’s a ‘superspy’  right after he finds Hopper- the next episode is even called “the spy” as Mike realizes he’s the mf and says he’s  “the spy”. He initially tried to help until the soldiers burned him (causing a seizure like Lonnie previously caused) and later when they burn him again. He decides to kill them- similar to how El killed 2 men for putting her in solitary confinement multiple times.

However,  I need to point out “ protectors are still and always protectors. What changes is the protective behaviors no longer look obviously protective and in actuality may be harmful and life threatening to the host.” He still acts as a protector saying he got upset when they hurt him/Will. And participating in a supernatural-extreme version of ‘thought snatching’.”thought snatching" (taking away your thoughts) can be caused by the actions of alters.” So he incorrectly tries wiping all of Will’s thoughts/memories to shield the body from past trauma.

Mf is also hinted to be under the category of a ‘ demon alter’- Will being handed the “devil’s baby” firework and in the background is a sticker of a demo(n)-dog  . “Demon alters are often a form of protector known as a persecutor.Some people have alters which are supernatural beings. These are regarded as possession-form identities, if a person is consciously aware of the actions of the alter then the person may describe themselves as feeling "possessed" by an outside person, spirit, deity (god), or demon.”

“Attempts to banish them using religious techniques such as "deliverance" or exorcism do not work permanently, can be harmful and may prolong any internal war between alters and preventing healing .”

“Ignoring them, trying to shut them up or restrain them, punishing them, or any of the various attempts at “getting rid of them” will not only never work (their needs will only become greater and louder), they’ll become more and more traumatized as you confirm to them their every belief about the world. 

“You can’t actually “get rid of them” anyway, so it’s far better to try and understand them. “  

So yeah- our heroes literally did everything wrong to make it worse.And literally mimicked Lonnie who tied him to chairs in his shed (and like Brenner did to joyce/ Russians did to Robin & steve) or to a bed (like brenner to Terry/lonnie to Will) and hurt and burned him (like Lonnie). Also, FYI the person who was calling Joyce at the beginning of s2 and freaked her out, and later called during the excorcism was Lonnie- why WW freaked out over the call.Noah was even told to watch the excorcist for the burning scene at the end of the season. Even the movie implied it was all based on a similar trauma and it was in the girl’s head- she even while possessed had the male voice of the man who was implied to have ab*sed her and said phrases he said in the film. Similar to WW’s deeper non-human voice he used to try and tell them to ‘let him go.’

So in the next season he was worse than ever and wanted revenge on the people who tried to kill him. Because he fears they’ll come after him again and hurt him- similar to Kali who says the people who are still after her ( and burned her with a taser stick/nancy with burning stick) are still after them and will kill them. 

 We also see the mindflayer despite in the show and d&d lore be sensitive to sunlight pick the summer to come back. Now, why is that? The answer is simple it’s when Will started to realize his romantic feelings for Mike. Joyce at the beginning of the season says “You won’t think it’s gross when you fall in love”?But due to his ab*se - WW DOES! And Will just responds to Joyce , unconvincingly, saying  “I’m not going to fall in love.” But he already has! 

“Even non-ab*sive romantic relationships may provoke the protector’s vitriolic reaction if the relationship takes on a meaning which feels threatening. Simply feeling the possibility of closeness to another person may be the trigger because of the protector’s prior learning that trust and dependency lead surely and inevitably to ab*se and hurt.”(Mierendorf, 1993). EX: a persecutor alter who identifies herself only as "Me, Myself" was questioned about her anger  and violence to the host.

" she began becoming interested in boys, and dates, and all that [she trails off], and I hated it and I didn't want any part of it. So I quit, I wasn't going to do any more ... nobody was ever gonna touch me ...And whenever that would happen with Gretchen [the host] it would hurt me and I would hate it and I'd hate her, and I'd hate her for letting that happen . i wanted to k*ll her”

Whenever the Mf is close and Will touches his neck it relates to his romantic feelings for Mike. 1st time it’s on one of their ‘movie dates’, 2nd time when Will is sad when Mike and El walk off together down the hill to make-out, , 3rd time right after he smashed castle byers after Mike says “it’s not my fault you don’t like girls”, 4th time (after the fight with Mike) when Billy is yelling to open the door (a trigger) and confides in Mike, 5th time when Mike asks him to go away so he can talk to El in the hospital waiting area, and 6th time when Mike says he loves El. 

And in s3, Mike says on a rainy day “it’s not my fault you don’t like girls” (and similarly Lonnie called Will a “fag” and a “queer”). Then he leaves Mike’s house, tears-up all his sketches, comics, a pic of mike (things he loves). And uses a bat that Lonnie taught him to use -to destroy castle Byers (which was also built on a rainy day , after his dad left).He uses a bat, despite saying in s1 he doesn’t like baseball. He has a bat in castle byers (next to a WW drawing) and a mitt/ baseball in his room (specifically next to a picture of the mindflayer.) and Will looked at the Will the wise drawing and then destroys castle byers with a bat. Showing WW/mf are the same person and that WW (and even Will to some extent) is still not taking Jon’s advice about not mimicking Lonnie.He uses the bat (lonnie taught him to use) to try to “man-up” and destroy or even taint the things he loves- castle byers & Mike . And after this, he grabs his neck (which in s2 he said he associated with now-memories) and then says “He’s back” (aka Lonnie’s influence/mf). And then everything supernatural begins to escalate.

-“   another ‘threat’ the, the persecutor believes the host may pose in adolescence or adulthood is breaking the silence about the ab*se and/or the multiplicity. We then witness the protector’s desperate attempt to control the client, to “save him” from the expected dire consequences of revealing the secrets.”

“The persecutor frequently protects the host through scare tactics; through fear and intimidation. In order for this scare tactic to work the host must be convinced of the persecutor's capacity and willingness (even desire) to use the utmost in force and destructiveness. The persecutor must, in short, be viewed as Putnam described: "a fearsome, loathsome, deamon-like entity” .When the danger posed comes from outside the system  the persecutor uses the same scare tactics, trying to impress the intruder (in this case the therapist, etc) with his or her ferocity and proclivity to violence.The persecutor therefore becomes increasingly loaded with hostility toward the host, to the point where the original protective function can be lost to their consciousness.Finally, it should be obvious that the persecutor who uses threats of violence to protect the host may be quite worried about either the host or  others uncovering the underlying protective intent of their actions because it disarms the power of their threat.”

EX:” Susan was a 31 year old woman who came in for treatment when she started recovering memories of inc*st which had begun with f*ndling and proceeded to r*pe just prior to adolescence. Susan reported a host of dissociative symptoms as well as feeling as if she had a "monster inside me who wouldn't allow me to heal.”Before the next session the therapist received a letter from an ego state named Shadow. The letter detailed how big and fierce Shadow was and how she was supposed to be feared, have control, and all the power.In the next session Shadow revealed that she had been using fear to prevent Susan from disclosing the ab*se. Shadow firmly believed that Susan's father would kill them if the abuse were disclosed.”

“As Putnam notes, while the persecutor displays “extreme contempt toward the host,” paradoxically, “the dominant emotion of the persecutor may really be love” (1989, p. 207). In fact, it is this very love which propels the persecutor in the harassment of the host -feeling it is a way to protect them from perceived threats. “

“  They are NOT the actual ab*ser.They are just copying behaviors shown to them by bad people, not harboring the intent, sadism or immorality of the actual perpetrators. We understand this change ( from protector to persecutor) and  displaying ab*sive behaviors does not reflect an underlying character structure.Instead we understand the change as demonstrating a past adaptive instrumental use of violence in an attempt to preserve the system in the face of a [perceived] threat.’

**Another words,  for anyone confused- WW went from childhood  protector to teen persecutor because of perceived threats. Will (the host) becoming aware of his romantic feelings for Mike and Will slowly and subconsciously gaining his memories of past ab*se - and WW fearing once he remembers he’ll tell someone. So he wants to prevent this by scaring Will and others .And does this by playing the role/character of a scary monster- mimicking the scariest things he knows Lonnie and the mf from d&d. It’s also possible like some persecutors he’s forgotten his original protective function or like other persecutors he’s simply masking how he’s trying to protect Will (because if anyone knew he cared for Will the threat wouldn’t be affective anymore).

‘Alters "should be treated with equal kindness," despite their behaviors.Persecutors are often  "misguided protectors" which can be negotiated with. With ‘patience, persistence and kindness" they can be allowed to choose a different role once the person is safe from ab*sers. The persecutor can be "turned into a constructive force" (Watkins, 1978, p. 397) and become “one of the therapist’s strongest allies and can play a major role in the healing of the patient” (Putnam, 1991, p. 205) (*I’ll talk more about this in my s4 analysis) .With healing a non-human alter can even turn human again! "I have an alter who was a persecutor for a long time. A lot of people see persecutors as bad and sometimes even the persecutors themselves see themselves as bad. This alter saw herself as an ab*ser and carried an awful lot of self hate, but she wasn't bad really because her motives were to protect us even though she wasn't going about it in a very good way. She thought that if she punished us and scared us into 'keeping in line' then other people wouldn't have to hurt us. Eventually she learnt that hurting us wasn't necessary, so now she is trying to learn how to protect us in more healthy ways."

-Wizard

There’s also important inspirations for the show to mention that support this theory:

Montauk Project’- The original title for Stranger things was “Montauk”- in reference to the Montauk Project. It was about experiments conducted on psychic children, where the scientists would “break” them psychologically to strengthen their powers and to program them. Duncan who could “open portals to other dimensions-  let loose a monster from his subconscious.”

‘A wizard of Eathsea’ (which suzie mentions in s3)- Is about a male wizard Ged (Will) who casts a powerful spell, but the spell goes awry and instead he releases a shadow creature! The new Archmage, Gensher, describes the shadow as an ancient evil that wishes to possess Ged. But the ‘shadow’ turns out  to be a representation of the darkest aspects of his personality. And the only way for the chaos to stop is for ged and the shadow to merge.

‘the dark crystal’ movie poster in Mike’s room is about a race called urSkeks who inadvertently divided themselves into two separate beings; the violent, materialistic Skeksis, and the gentle, contemplative urRu. It was only when they merged back together as one could harmony and peace be restored to the world.

‘Long kiss goodnight’- both (’good’ and supposedly ‘bad’) personalities also integrate into 1 happy personality.

In d&d  “it’s also possible, although rare, for an extremely powerful mind flayer wizard to become a true lich, also known as an illithilich. illithid's last desire upon death was to be rejoined with its elder brain.” ( Will’s mind/ he wants to integrate with Will).

Even the way the mindflayer/ ‘shadow monster’ functions is similar to the ‘shadow phoenix’/how integration in DID works.  “They considered feeding on brains as a euphoric experience as it absorbed its victim's memories, personality, and fears.”

The dark phoenix (referenced in s1ep1)  fails to merge with jean so goes to merge with her clone body as the next best thing. In this case the mf went to Will’s second alter William/Billy. And as Will states “another me”. Later Jean, Phoenix, and madelyn (clone) merge into 1 person- the new-jean now having the memories and personality traits of all 3.

in s1 Mr clarke describes the vale of shadows (later the upsidedown) as being created by “necrotic” (’dead’-zombie boy) and shadow (shadow monster) magic. In d&d the Vale of Shadows, is  as a lush valley hidden in the mountains that holds a sacred pool with the power to make dreams reality. (In this case nightmares representing past ab*se). He even describes his ‘now memories’ as ‘like a dream’.

In ‘never ending story’ referenced in s3 -  the land of Fantasia represents humanity’s imagination and is thus without boundaries. However ‘the Nothing’ (the physical manifestation of darkness) which has taken over Fantasia and it’s inhabitants is a manifestation of the ‘loss of hopes and dreams’.  

Silent hill videogames/movies (duffers cited as inspo):. “The bad guys faked Alessa’s death. Kaufmann prepared a substitute body of alessa;  and performed the fake "autopsy (like Will) .Alessa believed that their current world must be cleansed with fire (WW’s fire powers). Alessa had a very dark, violent, traumatic and ab*sive childhood: r*ped, beaten, tortured, and even burned , all by the age of 7- “it was a 7″). She had supernatural powers and was called a witch. She had precognition (future/intuition) and pyrokinesis (fire) which developed after her ab*sive mother burned her (like ww). It’s  also implied Dahlia her mother would lock Alessa in their house's dark attic for long periods of time for any irreligious behavior (the trunk).Alessa was "always"  sad, and  Alessa only found respite when escaping to other worlds through fantasy to cope with and comfort herself in the face of her harsh reality. At times, Alessa seems to completely withdraw inward, perhaps as a result of years of trauma as there are many instances of her becoming unresponsive when questioned.Because of  all of her ab*se  Allesa’s soul split in 1/2 (becoming Alessa and Cheryl).Selfless at heart, she cared for her second half /reincarnation more than she cared for herself, wanting to spare them the hellish nightmare she endured at the hands of her ab*sive mother and her cult. For seven years (it was a 7), Alessa endured her suffering because she had not wanted to destroy whatever small happiness her other self was able to enjoy, but little by little, it became more than Alessa could bear. Alessa's latent psychic abilities are triggered and she shrouds Silent Hill in fog and an altered reality to prevent her mother's scheme from advancing. Many of the drastic changes that befall the town in the game, such as the horrific creatures that come to inhabit it, are conjured from her imagination and delusions. “ ( personally i think Lonnie went to the house offscreen in s1 and tried to take Ww- why when lonnie is at the byers house they zoom in on a bullet in the tv for some reason with no explanation on how it occurred).  Cheryl and Alessa also later merge again .

mystic river-in the 80s, a young boy who plays baseball is r**ed by 2 men in a cabin in the woods and escapes and runs into the forrest . He  imagines perpetrators as werewolves and vampires as a way to cope. And imagines he’s in a scary world that no one else can see (that disappears when he turns around). And he even has a split personality. He wishes he could turn into a undead monster so he doesn’t have to feel the pain of being human anymore.

other DID movies/show inspirations for St (some realistic /some more supernatural so resemble DID) : prince of tides,primal fear (realistic DID ,caused by childhood se*ual trauma).supernatural/ or non realistic DID:  elfen lied, exorcist, and Audrey rose .

 Now on to the next point- “chronologically, it is the persecutory alter personality who creates the first split. Helper alter personalities constitute the second split, and as such, constitute a defense against the first split. These two successive splits constitute the basic dissociation. Further alter personality formations are only of secondary nature. In order to cope with the first split, the host personality produces companions resembling [him] as a second defense.The alter personalities developing in the second phase originate from the desire of the host personality to regain her previous strength and from her striving to create alter personalities resembling herself who share the same aim with her.”

So to make it simple some alters are more based on Will in order to combat the alters more based on WW/mf (the 1st alter/. protector- persecutor). So let’s talk about other alters based on ww/mf.

Kali Prasad (avenger alter/ different race alter) 

“The avenger holds the rage from the childhood abuse and may attempt to avenge themselves or seek retribution from the ab*ser.”

”Different race alters are generally created for the stereotypic or imagined qualities of that race, as experienced or perceived by the host personality.  Fike gives the example of a Caucasian patient with a Native American alter personality who represented spirituality and other-worldliness. “ we actually see  Kali who is the embodiment of her religious counterpart.Kali is a (Hindu goddess). And Prasad is a holy offering to gods and goddesses in hinduism.

 Kali’s name means “destroyer of all evil forces” and in mythology she was considered “ a divine protector and the one who bestows liberation to her children”. However , the goddess Kali’s iconography is generally associated with death and violence and paradoxically (at the same time) “motherly love”. Kali is sometimes considered the goddess of death but more accurately she “brings the death of ego”. She only kills demons.  She is considered one of “the most compassionate of the gods because she provides liberation to her children”. She is commonly depicted holding a sword and the head of a demon. “A latitude soul sees mother Kali as very sweet, affectionate, and overflowing with incomprehensible love for her children” (the numbers and her gang of misfits).She is called the Divine Mother  & Mother of the Universe. And when talking to El the sign there’s a says ‘spiritual advisor’  behind her.

“ It has been suggested that a male child that is being ab*sed might create a female headmate because he needs a "mother" role in the attempt to soften what might be angry and aggressive behavior on his part as a male DID sufferer. “

we see other evidence of her being an alter as well. Her saying she feels ‘whole’ with EL around. And In the episode before Kali is introduced. Will describes his now memories as “spreading” “growing” and “killing”.  Meanwhile, after this Kali describes her and El’s wounds (caused by their father) in the same fashion. Kali describes how El has to face her trauma or else, like it did with her it will “spread.” Kali later makes a imaginary Brenner to tell El the same words Will said earlier- saying she has to face her trauma or else it will “grow” and “spread “ and “kill” her. in never ending story (reffed in s3) Sebastian who unbeknownst to him created an imaginary mythical world with characters who’d copy phrases their creator  Sebastian said.

She also says everyone sees her and El as monsters because of their powers- something ww/mf feels (literally becoming one because of this and his ab*se).  And Kali and El say that people hurt them -so they should be allowed to kill them. Kali making the distinction (more aligned with the mf) saying the people who hurt her are still after her -so she’s just making the first move and killing them as preemptive self defense. Something the mf also does, saying in s3 El could have killed him, and targeting those that hurt him and said they wanted to “kill” him in s2 . It’s the same logic as Kali. 

And before kali and El talk we see kali look up to el, as they pass by  graphiti that says ‘barbelith” which in the comics ‘the invisibles’- is the connection between humanity and the holographic world that we see. Aka her and Kali interacting in what’s actually the innerworld. Like Dustin said about the upsidedown “it’s a parallel world existing right beside you, without you even knowing it.”

why the tv of Kali’s tormenter (who tased her as a kid) is watching a show about a kid having a nightmare about being held down and having a needle put in her arm that kept getting bigger and bigger. Like how WW was pinned down and forced to take a shot in the arm.

Even the butterfly she creates could be possibly connected to WW- because butterfly decorations are above the byer’s phone (WW electercuted). And similar to Kali’s description the ficitonal russians (npcs) are also very stereotypical based on what an american kid might hear about ‘evil soviets’. They also use the same tasers as Kali’s ab*sers in the lab. In some movies it’s implied Lonnie may have tased his kids so maybe that’s why? And we see like how the gang tied up the mf to a chair, and shot him with a needle needle- the russians do the same to robin & steve.We also see Kali and El attack a man at a gas station -similar to the russian hitman npc from s3.

And Kali rescues a girl (npc) from a mental health hospital -called ‘dottie’ which is a term for being mentally ill. Lucas also claims El may have escaped from a psych hospital. Personally, i think this is foreshadowing of Mike helping Will out of one (like how Dustin and Lucas bring up ‘myers’ escaping one), but I digress.  in Kali’s place grafiitti also says ‘o’bedlam’a poem about neglected mentally ill beggers .  And compares her crew (of npcs) to herself and El- like dottie (mentally ill) because she’s part of a did system.  Axel with his knife (lonnie loves his hunting knives and used to threaten Will with them and thus did so to el). And El and Will share the same stuffed bear- ‘so there’s the care bear’, one of kali’s crew even wears a clown mask, and axel wears the mummy mask seen at Melvald’s where Joyce works. There’s also the connection of the ‘rainbow room’ (with a rainbow drawing) on the door - relating to  Kali & El and Will’s rainbow-ship drawing.And kali also likes rock music like Will/Billy. And when El first sees her-she’s near fire (ww connection).

El  (caretaker & gate keeper alter)

“A gatekeeper is an alter who controls switching or access to front, access to inside or certain areas inside, or access to certain alters or memories. The existence of a gatekeeper is highly stabilizing for a system because gatekeepers can to some extent prevent unwanted switching, failure to switch when necessary, or failure to switch to the correct alter. They can help to prevent traumatic memories from bleeding from the alters who hold them to alters who could not yet handle them. They might police the boundaries between subsystems.These alters help prevent traumatized alters from fronting. This can be important because there is a chance that the trauma holders may want to harm the body.”  In case you haven’t realized ... el is a horrible gate keeper-opening the gate and leaving it open for a year, not sensing it being reopened in s2 or 3 (too busy thinking about mike in s2/ dating him in s3), and thus causing more trauma to Will (who started to remember old confusing and traumatic memories), and causing Billy, and Max to be traumatized.

she’s also most likely a caretaking alter-“Caretaking alters are a type of a protector, they help manage and care for other alters, and sometimes external people (for example children).  “

“They are often motherly, and may be modeled on a real person (WW’s appearance- WW looking like Will except having brown eyes, and El looking like the female equivalent).  “Caretaking alters lack awareness of self-care and become exhausted easy; they only have a limited role and have little capacity for play, exploration or socializing.” El fighting to exhaustion, being isolated for most of her life and being in the cabin for 9 months (s2-3), comforting billy/Will, and again only not abiding by this when Mike is involved -hurting Max out of jealousy.

Her inability to speak well could be from neglect and social isolation, but  ‘Ab*sive groups are known to have created alters which appear either "crazy" or learning disabled, for example training alters to scramble or garble words so they can’t report ab*se.Alters may be disabled when the body is not, for example a mute alter may be created in response to abusers instructions, e.g. "Don't talk.”

El also shows the trait of ‘memory sharing’.

Memory sharing

“We’ve managed to create a system within us. In order to grant access to memories with each other we have to come to know each other and gain each other's trust.  Caroline says “when the memory sharing happens- the best way I can describe it to a non DID person is by asking you to remember/think about a movie with Wizards or characters like from twilight where they have the power to touch you and let you see their visions and/or memories. Sounds crazy I'm sure— but that's as close as I can possibly describe it.The memories literally pour into me exactly like that. “

After Will disappears, El appears to the audience for the first time. Having similar sounding names and having a striking resemblance (and 1 syllable nicknames ending in L) . Troy, Benny, Hopper, and an eyewitness all initally assuming she was a boy. Hopper even tries to track down El, assuming it was Will who’s hair was shaved-  asking “could it be Lonnie’s kid?” and the man responding “could of been the Byers boy”. Mike even says “Do you really think it’s a coincidence we found her in the same place Will disappeared?”The answer being No. The song “Alice” (from alice in wonderland) plays when El is at the restaurant -indicating El has entered a new world (our world). *Also, both Alexi and El are bribed with hamburgers to give the adults info they need.

El is an alter based on WW . Like WW she is afraid of the underwater sensory deprivation tanks her dad made her go into (Lonnie and ww with the tub). in s1 El used the pool/sensory deprivation to contact Will- the episode is even called “the tub” . And she thinks of this idea to talk to Will -after staring at the tub in the byers house and then remembering the deprivation tank. When in the pool or ‘tub’ at school the water slowly becomes dark as she enters the darkness- the void is a connection to the mf/ shadow monster. 

She unlocks doors and it’s framed ominously just like the demogorgan does in the first ep. In d&d lore Mindflayers have “telekinetic abilities akin to mage hand (El was called a mage) and telekinesis.” I still think the mf may now have her telekenesis  (which was originally his to begin with). We also see El fade away with the demogorgan as she and the demogorgan mimic each other’s body language. This was probably supposed to be El most likely integrating with the demogorgan (until the Duffers admitted to changing their minds).  And In s1/2 she has black veins appear while not being possessed. 

Dustin in s2 mentions the mf “doesn’t know it’s true home.” which is illustrated by  El wandering around as Hopper, Becky, and kali try to convince her they’re her home. El saying she’s the monster in s1 is also how the mf aka WW feels about himself.  And Will/ww was thrown in the dark trunk by Lonnie (perhaps after refusing to shoot an animal ) so for El it became Brenner throwing her in a dark room in solitary confinement after refusing to kill a cat. in s1 El draws similar to Will/ww and draws Brenner with a 3rd leg (cause even if brenner didn’t do so to her - the memory bled through from ww).  Benny suspected El has been “ab*sed or something” and she didn’t seem to understand privacy -undressing in front of the boys.

El cries thinking of the time she killed a squirrel (typical hunting game) and eating it and somehow knowing how to make a fire (a Ww skill). El when re-enacting this forgotten experience of WW’s , spots a sketchy ominous hunter and throws a fired projectile at him and runs. Like WW who uses his fireballs to hurt the bad guys- in this case the hunters (Lonnie and his buddies). Similar to the demogorgan who killed 2 hunters in s1. 

When she goes into the void and sees the demogorgan- we even hear a clock ticking in the background indicating this is associated with the past. When Will encounters the mf a similar thing happens- as the clock moves unnaturally. And similar to the mf she attacks her abusers and throws them into a wall (which mf did in s3). Throwing Nancy into a wall after she burned him.

Unfortunately in the ‘long kiss goodnight’ a girl with multiple personalities (Will/ww) was thrown and tied up in a trunk and when the trunk was opened the main villain tried to sell her for... you know . Then she escapes and jumps off a cliff into the water to escape the r**e (quarry flashback?) . This guy later tries to drown her too. While in skyfall, number-tattoos on the wrist were indicative of being sold into the s*x tr*de (El/kali’s tattoos- Will saw something?) . I really hope this isn’t the case - but this is the man who wanted to make money off his son’s death to to pay off his gambling debt. In one movie the bad guy sold his gf for a case of beer and some smokes, while playing a card game. And unfortunately, the fact Will was triggered to see the mf after Mike says “i’m not pr*stituting my sister?” may indicate something from the past as well (maybe Jon saying something ?). Along with El  being chased by “bad men”. It’s possible those 2 hunters were pals with lonnie and got what was coming to them. On to the next point-

El - is the Cannanite (male) god associated with “salt water “ (pool filled with salt in s1) who “dwelled in a tent” (in s1 Mike’s blanket fort) . In s1 El owns a male lion doll and Will has a female lion . The fact El first appeared looking like a boy,  is named after a male god, El in spanish translates to “he”, and she has a male lion toy could symbolize a few things.  In ‘prince of tides’ when the boy cried the dad yelled for him to go put on a dress.In ‘the cell’ the ab*sive father beat his young son with a belt, burned, and drowned him (causing a seizure), threw homophobic slurs at him, and called him a ‘women’ multiple times while beating him. And said “I’ll teach you to be a woman.” Some specialists say one of MANY possible reasons a boy may have a female alter is cause they were “forced to cr*ss dress “ but obviously that’s not the only possible reason. (And no, this doesn’t apply to trans women- making sure no one tries putting words in mouth). I think of the moment where boyish-looking El runs away into the woods, and takes off her wig and screams in anger at the reflection of herself in the water -may be a recreated event from the past). The fact El [is a male god]  and in spanish El (the way it’s spelled in the show means “he’)  is also possibly intentional . In addition to the fact El is the only alter who physically resembles Will and is the only one with a buzzcut , unlike Kali (who in the flashback at Hawkins lab had all her hair) is something to take note. El could be an inverse of Will’s experience. El as a girl was stripped of her femininity from her papa.  Because Will was a boy forced to dress girly cause of his dad . El having a male lion and Will having a female lion being used to symbolize this. WW was the one who went through this abuse and also had brown eyes  like El ( unlike Will)- so in regards to physical appearence she is his ‘girl version’.Since like many ab*sers Lonnie gave Will mixed messages he could never abide by . In mad max furry road the villain named ‘daddy’ forced his sl*ve to shave their head and branded them with a tattoo like El (he also had 3 s*x s**ves)

-in s2 the song ‘don’t mess around with Jim’ plays. Upon character introductions of lyrics “Jim walker” pans to Jim Hopper and “boy named Will-ie Mccoy” (pans to El).

-Hopper in ep1 mention (El)eanor Gilipse-surname of girl in silent hill with powers/DID.

-the never ending story ref also alludes to how El was created by Will similar to another superpowered human (ww).  El is atreyu and Will is sebastian. El is atreyu- who is said to be the chosen one. He falls from a great height and on to the beach shore, and comes across abandoned ruins, and then the villain gmork latches his jaws on to his leg (like El). It’s revealed atreyu isn’t actually the chosen one and everyone was wrong . And it was actually the poor human kid (Sebastian - who has a bowl cut and one parent and secretly had imagination-powers ) .  Atreyu is told to look at the mirror of his ‘true self’ and is shocked to see Sebastian (his unknown creator) looking back at him. “turn around , look at what you see. In her face- the mirror of your dreams.” 

-In the novel Sebastian even temporarily went evil when he lost all his memories  except those of his father- similar to Will/ww. Sebastian created the whole fantasy story and it’s inhabitants (with their own sentience).  So only he had the capability to remove the darkness from the fantasy world they inhabited. The darkness representing the loss of hopes and dreams.

-Elfen lied (another inspo for the series according to the duffers)- has a Super-powered protagonist/anti hero/ and tragic villain.”She has three split personalities due to past trauma . The three are Lucy, Nyu, and Kaede.  Kaede : (childhood love/friend of Kouta) from ‘mapple house’ (cough- ‘mapple street’/ Will). Nyu: is mentally the age of a young child in the body of an adult, who can barely speak, and found by Kouta after she escapes the lab who experimented on her .Nyu is like a very sheltered child and has a very tiny outlook on the actual world and can only speak one word at the start of the anime (El).Lucy:Her violent personality, who has a distaste and hate for humans after humans traumatized her as a child. Although deep down she wants to be human (mf).”

We also see both the Will/mf and El called spies, have ptsd, described as ‘quiet’, and had their dads force them to kill animals. El growls like an animal after the mf growls at her first.  And in regards to the supernatural Ww and El both have powers. They both could communicate through different dimensions using electronics. Both of their moms’ had “crazy aunts” . Both  are called “schizos” in s2 because of their powers (did is most commonly misdiagnosed with schizophrenia which i do think that will occur initially- mrs driscoll not being believed about the supernatural because of her being a ‘paranoid schizophrenic’ is foreshadowing). Both Will and her had their brain waves monitored at the lab and their measurements were off the charts, plus they were being unknowingly recorded on video.They both tore through walls (with that pink gunk between the normal world and upside down). El even goes through the entrance covered in goo (like a baby) as a hint she was born from the upsidedown! 

We see in Terry’s place (El’s room) symbols associated with Will- clowns and rabbits ( like how Lonnie made Jon kill rabbits on hunting trips). They even chose white rabbits- like those in Alice in wonderland and earlier associated with El.

El/ww can also both can track others when concentrating -Ww found Hopper, El found Will. Both communicated psychically by transferring their conscious- El to talk to Mike in his basement using the void (in s2) & Will to his mom in the living room (in s1).  Also before Will goes missing , he asks Dustin for his X-men comic- later in reference to El, Dustin asks “Do you think El was born with her powers like the X-men?” And when Mike says El is “channeling him (Will)”. Dustin says “like professor x”-clearly hinting that they were both born with powers, like the X-men.

However, El is how Max described “her own person.” When Dustin says she’s “like a wizard (like ww) Mike corrects him and says “more like yoda.” And the longer she stays in the real world the more differences she has to Will/ww as she evolves into her own person. She doesn’t have many interests in common with Will :d&d, scifi, computers, science, horror movies etc. And like i’ve explained in other posts - she isn’t actually in love with Mike. And her obsession with mike not only inhibits her role as an alter but her own independence/personhood , along with Will’s healing ( which depends on Mike and other’s support).  I think the main reason we never see Will & El interact significantly (despite the parallels) is because they’re growing apart as they develop as people and go on divergent paths. I feel like if someone doesn’t integrate it’s most likely El (and probably Max). While Kali most likely integrates- since she was brought to tears by seeing another alter and said  she feels “complete” with El - hinting she’ll probably desire to integrate into Will/ww in the future. in ‘annihalation’ a poc woman with a 8 tattoo on her arm integrates with others into a god like creature too . EL may eventually go by Elle [in french means ‘she’] when she becomes her own person, and gains independence, perhaps? 

demogorgan (fictional alters or ‘fictive’)

“Fictional introjects specifically are based off of fictional characters. These characters can be from television shows, movies, books, fantasy, and other forms of fiction.They don't have to think, act, look, or feel in the exact same ways that the fictional character does. Some fictional introjects can be ab*sive, and form as a way to continue traumatizing the system.” 

“ One of the main purposes of a father introject is to control your behavior when you are away from the father with the same intensity as if you were right in front of him. The father may have a variety of parts that are loyal to him, his beliefs, his ways, etc.’

 in d&d a demogorgon  is a  “demon from the abyss”. And are also called “the deep father”  , indicating his connection of being based on Lonnie. We even see Lucas hand Will a ‘devil’s baby’ firecracker (and behind will is a sign that says demon-dog) to indicate that Will’s father is the ‘devil’. The demogorgan is also first referred to as “the man without a face” in the show. Steve suggesting he does have a face but he was wearing a mask. And when Lonnie first ‘comes back’ to Hawkins Jon says “mom, did that thing (demogorgan) come back.” And Lonnie cuts him off after the comment saying ‘that’s enough’. Lonnie also mentions to Joyce he explored the woods where Will went missing. And later Jon mentions how the demogorgan only ventures several miles from his house -like lonnie.  Jon also tells Nancy about how his dad forced him to go on hunting trips and in s1 we see the demorgorgan kill a deer (typical game), attack hunters, and capture Will in the shed (which contained the riffle and sleeping bags for camping). We are also told in s1 Lonnie taught Will baseball, and when the demorgorgan knocks the bat out of Jon’s hand he gets on top of him- putting his face close like he was about to kiss him. We even see in s2 - the pic of the mf next to a baseball bat and mitt.  And the demogorgan  on multiple occasions was mistaken for a bear (which Will sketches and El also is into teddy bears) and bears symbolically represent “wisdom” (will the wise).

And Lonnie when closing the hole in the wall says someone has to be blamed for what happened to Will- and it transitions to Mike tearing a hole in paper and explaining what happened to Will with the demogorgan. Lonnie caused the ‘tear’ in Will’s psyche. Lonnie is even the one to mention how people ‘make things up to cope.’And how people in the city are “more real” (possible alter foreshadowing).

 In  d&d demorgorgons also have 2 heads with distinct personalities, one wanting to stay as one and the other wishing to separate (a hint at Will’s DID and the fight between WW wanting to integrate personalities and Will not wanting to do so).

~El ,Kali, and the demogorgon being alters is why we see  the lights flicker when the demogorgan appears , and (sometimes) when El and kali use their powers- cause they’re based off ww who has lightning/electricity powers  which we saw in s1. Causing the lights to flicker at Mike’s place,  turning the bike light on with his mind,  causing sparks of electricity to come out of the phone 2x , using lights telepathically to talk to joyce (blinking ‘once for yes and twice for no’, and using the lights to tell Joyce to “run”).

demodogs/dart (animal alters)

“In some cases, what presents as an animal is really a child alter acting as an animal.  This is found in cases where the abused child was forced to act as an animal, usually a dog.”

 In mad-max the r**ist biker gang - ties up one of their victims on a leash like a dog. In unleashed the adoptive father made his son where a collar and called him ‘his dog’. ‘Orphan’ the girl wore a collar and the bullies pulled on it calling her a ‘doggie’ and she starts screaming and having an episode in school. In s1 Hopper says he likes the book cujo , that one of the guards is reading, and at the end of the book they replace the dog Cujo with a dog named Willie. In ‘the cell’ the villain put dog collars on his m*rder v*ctims cause he wanted to ‘own them’. In ghost Busters, Mike -is Venkman- and Will -is Dana Barret. Dana finds a demon-dog in her fridge, and hires the ghost busters. And right before Venkman goes on a date with her she is possessed by the big-bad, Zuul,  (who controls demo(n)-dogs). The s4 movies also allude to Lonnie possibly k**ling chester his dog cause when he was stalking Will (offscreen) chester would bark at him - like how he barked at  the demogorgan - one of the only other times we hear a dog bark is when we see Lonnie (at his place).

*There’s also the parallels of Dart to El. Dart killed a cat. While El’s papa tried to make her kill a cat (which dogs stereotypically don’t like-Lonnie most likely forced Will to kill a cat. ).Heck the russians even reference cats -linking them to El and the demodog. El/Dart also both have sweet tooths (eggos and 3 muskateers). Both were called traitors and ran away- and initially caused a rift in the group. And dustin and Mike said they made “promises” to El/dart and that  dart/el “trusted them” (mike &Dustin)”. Lucas in s1 also called El a ‘dog’ and El asked, annoyed,  if she was Mike’s “pet”.

Jim hopper  : Introject & adult alters

“System introjects are alters who are replications of a person from the outside world , who often believe they are the actual person (and not the replication).  They may adamantly believe that they are a different person . These parts contain a lot of memories, factual information, emotional realities for how it was like to be near the outside person.Introjects can also be based off of  figures that the dissociative child found strong, courageous, heroic, or otherwise worthy of being emulated and internalized and could theoretically protect them.”Jim even means to “supplant” (replace) or “supresede” (take the place of a person or thing previously in authority or use). Meaning, there was a Jim Hopper (Joyce knew in highschool) and a Jim Hopper alter based on him.

“older adult alters are created to serve a nurturing or parenting role, thus serving as a protector. (*protecting Will/el) . However, sometimes the age is related to taking on the identification of the ab*ser, and can therefore take on any of the other more hostile roles... Introjects which are mimicking ab*sers are trying to "keep you inline" in order to protect you from external ab*sers. They don’t dare relax their vigilance or let you fall away from the OLD RULES that were once so important.They are trying so hard to keep you safe. “

We even see the convo he has with El,  is similar to Neil and his ex wife- a man berating the girl after coming home, calling her a liar, and asking about what man they saw. And El yelling and saying Hopper is “like papa” when he yells at her  (the same season dr owens called him Will’s “pop”.  Would not be surprised if Lonnie would berate Will about seeing Mike. There’s even a physical resemblance- blonde, blue eyes, and similar moustaches to him and Neil.And he also parallels Billy & Max in s3 with the ‘door’ imagery.

“Being an introject is a difficult and thankless task. This member of your system has spent all these years acting out a role that they dislike every bit as much as you do.” *(berating El about the rules- that were most likely initially Lonnie’s. A part of me suspects that cabin wasn’t Hopper’s grandfather’s but Lonnie’s secret cabin where he took Will. And berate Will about seeing Mike. He was shown in s1 fixing the hole in the wall. And Hopper says about the cabin “ A LOT OF HISTORY HERE’ ). 

We see other alter hints too -He taught El morse code (which Will already knew). Murray says Hopper reminds Joyce of a previous “bad relationship” (lonnie). And the russians in order to get info, t*rture steve and threaten to rip out his finger nails , while, Hopper threatens to break the mayor’s fingers for info. 

And when a Russian goes into the carnival game in a room with tigers and clowns,   the speaker says “ if you dare enter the cave of horrors you may never know what you may find around the corner (clown laughs) . Don’t show your fear in the presence of the tiger or you may never escape this cave alive”.As he jumps out the tiger roars in unison with Hopper leaps out to attack.

The song you ‘don’t mess around with jim’ (from s2 and 3 that Jim dances and sings to ) is about a boy named Willie beating up a thug (who wears a hat) named Jim (representing resentment of father figures).  We see Villains have zoom in shots of their cigareete trays- like the h*tman, Billy posessed by the mf, and Hopper before he yells and threatens El in s2.  

In s1 It’s implied Hopper is addicted to pills , was an alcoholic (both him and Lonnie have many beer cans and cigareettes in their house- would not be surprised if Lonnie also had a pill addiction too) .

Introjects “ are NOT the actual ab*ser. They are a victim, a single part within a large beautiful mind, bred from the survivor's essence.They are just copying behaviors shown to them by bad people, not harboring the intent, s*dism or imm*rality of the actual perpetrators.”

“The introject in your system was there to help you when the stakes were very high and their job was deadly serious. It’s difficult for them to let go of that level of urgency. introjects represent how important it was, at one time in your life, to always be vigilant. Danger was always near you and you had to be careful of every move and every word, because your very survival might depend on not doing or saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.”

‘ introjects also represent the desperate hope that, if you could only do everything just right, obey all your ab*ser’s rules and anticipate exactly what was wanted of you, that it might lessen or even prevent some of the ab*se from happening. And gain approval or love from the ab*ser.”

We also see how he’s based on the mf/ww in a few ways: he describes his depression in s3 as being in a “deep dark cave” (the supernatural cave in s2/cave of horrors at the fair) and in s2 he says he thinks of himself as a “black hole” that will destroy everything around him including his daughter (the mf/Lonnie).

Now, cause people will mention it. We can’t take everything David says about Jopper seriously- he filmed s4 in advanced and lied constantly about the duffer’s not contacting him prior to this. I think he bs-es a lot and occasionally throws in hints. Like how in behind stranger things after mentioning Lonnie and Bob he compares jopper- to Jack and Evelyn from china town (who slapped her for lying -like Neil did to his wife. And we see duffers laugh hysterically and shawn  exchange a look with them cause they know David is giving a hint that isn’t positive). And evelyn was also r*ped by her father (there’s at least 30+ st movies the Duffers have cited with that dad plot point, unfortunately . Along with about 6-10 DID movies).  David said in an interview with  total film : “ In terms of Stranger Things, you’ll be able to look back at season one and see a lot of things that happen further down the line that relate to that.I’ve had those discussions with them from the very first season. We were always interested in that idea of the Gandalf resurrection – Gandalf the Grey who fights the Balrog and then becomes Gandalf the White.” Well this is a lothr ref (Which Will is into) but i think it’s also just a Will and ww hint -since in silent Hill when Alessa and cheryl mege back into 1 they become a deity- a serene white-clad figure, even the dragon relates to Will. But,  there’s also the fact David in multiple interviews  describes  Hopper as a ‘little boy’ . After s4 started he said about Hopper with Gold DERBY “  he’s also like a little boy who has been just so traumatized and so hurt that he can’t really have relationships with people that are full and that are honest... it makes it difficult for him to get close to people... all the joyce st-...There’s a lot to be revealed around the complexities of that story . Because when we know the ending you’ll be able to go back and watch it and see what we were planting in s3 , that paid off in s4 and s5. That will make those intimacy issues a lot more understandable.” 

Since Hopper-alter thinks he’s the real-Hopper (Joyce’s old friend/ possible ex) he hits on Joyce.There’s the references to back to the future. Steve incorrectly saying it’s about alex keaton “trying to b*ng his mom.” And stobin’s exchange about the movie alludes to what Jopper actually is  “I think that lady is trying to bang her son/ no, but, they’re the same age?/ He needs to get back to the future ,which is his time, cause he’s stuck in the past (trauma)/ W-What?” 

And the season where Jopper was the most evident we see another alter (Billy) hitting on someone who is old enough to be/ resembles his mom. Her being a wheeler could also represent Will’s repressed feelings for Mike. Along with Illustrating his subconscious issues with parental figures cause of Lonnie. Dianne (Hopper’s ex wife) - even is a roman goddess of hunting.

In s2 Nancy asks Steve how his “grandpa’s time in the war is a metaphor for your life?” And steve compares the mf to the germans in the war. Dr owens mentions Will has ptsd like “ (vietnam) soldiers’, Hopper saying he had buddies like Will . “In the 70s there was a study that compared the post-traumatic stress symptoms in Vietnam veterans and adult survivors of childhood s**ual ab*se. The study revealed that childhood s**ual ab*se is traumatizing and can result in symptoms comparable to symptoms from war-related trauma.” Hopper isn’t actually in Russia -but in one of the innerworlds (after he jumped through the rift of the machine- into Will’s mind). We’ll see flashbacks but also present circumstances of his imprisonment echo Will’s past with Lonnie (if the movies indicate anything)- being starved, guards getting payed in order to let other prisoners  r*pe a gay prisoner (than claim incorrectly because of his sexuality he wanted it) , as well as a gang of sadist men who r**e others and a warden using that as a threat to be compliant , being thrown in a dark room of solitary confinement and starved when they didn’t obey the warden, the warden being religious, etc. And the Anerican soldiers (in Vietnam) in the movies aren’t much better and do similarly horrific acts to civilians like r**e and bragging/ happily k*lling women, children, and the elderly. The drill sergant in vietnam calling them homophobic slurs & women, and chocking one of the soldiers with one hand, slapping one for not believing in christianity. Tying up a soldier in a bed , gagging him, beating him and saying “remember it’s just a dream.” Only praising them when good in fire arms.(movies : fullmetal jacket, papillon, shawshank redemption, platoon, welcome to marwen, etc ) . My assumption is while in solitary he has flashbacks of his life- and it’s more hints about him being an alter -the boxes in the basement are “vietnam” ,“dad”, and “ny” (and these are the memories of his we’ll see). And some of the bad characters in said stories will also parallel Lonnie . For instance in s2, Jonathan mentions Indiana writer Vonnegut- In his book ‘slaughterhouse 5′- Vonnegut begins the story of Billy Pilgrim, a man who has “come unstuck in time”. It accounts of Billy Pilgrim's capture and incarceration by the Germans during the last years of World War II, and scattered throughout the narrative are episodes from Billy's life with his dad, and his own wife and kids.Billy is forced to be part of the war and similar things against his free will. The moments start from his childhood when his father throws him in the water to teach him how to swim. He was unwillingly drafted into the war. Later, he is kidnapped by Tralfamadorians  (aliens that are implied to be caused by his mental health issues/trauma) against his will. Therefore, he realizes that this concept is just an illusion. 

We also see Hopper being violent/aggressive to Mike foreshadowing how Lonnie will treat Mike (difference is it’ll be played completely serious).

Sara : “littles “ also called a child alter (not based on ww)

“Child alters often talk in a child-like way, but unlike a biological child they can normally understand abstract concepts and long words. Some child parts may ...  be playful and fun-living and have only positive memories. A child alter may also be an idealized representation of the "perfect child" from the "perfect" family, for example the "good boy/girl."

we see this in a few ways- Sarah winning the spelling bee (like Will winning the science fair) and Hopper describing her as very intelligent, but not knowing where she gets it from. She in the 1st episode is said to love science like Will (who won the science fair 4x) , and knows how to spell words like ‘odontalgia’.  In s1, Joyce and Hopper pretend with Sara and Will to be a witch and an ogre eating them.And in s1 Will and her both own cat plushies.  she has a tiger plushie (mascot of Will’s school, like with billy’s baseball mascott also being a tiger/ Will’s painting). And her hospital gown has clowns on it (Will’s fear). Hopper even pauses and has a flashback of sarah’s tiger when he sees Will’s lion plushie in the upsidedown .And when Will has a vine  in his mouth imagines sarah with tubes in her mouth.We see despite the fact Hopper didn’t move to Hawkins until after her death- she appears to be at Hawkins lab?

And Holly’s drawing is similar to el’s in s1.And , in s1, like Will she has an episode alluding to her seeing the void as she turns her head scared seeing something no one else can.Then in s2, Hopper says Sarah became obsessed with blackholes - and latter says that blackhole (mf?) got her. It’s possible she saw the void or even the mf and misinterpreted it as a blackhole. And  so she didn’t actually die of cancer - it was probably just symbolic of her integrating into the mf/ww (the blackhole ‘getting her’). Or it’s possible she’s just alive/in stasis in the innerworlds  after her ‘simulated death’

Also can we mention how there’s lions, tigers,and bears (as plushies)- oh my.  Along with the whole “home references”. Wizard of oz is on the movie list, and 2 wizard of oz movies shown in s3.

Robin Buckley

Robin Buckley (possibly an alter?)- Robin discusses with steve the legend of Prometheus , who not only gave human beings the gift of fire, and therefore civilization, but created them, giving them the gift of life. El watches frankenstein in s2 whose novel was titled “the modern prometheus”(another hint WW/Will created El). Steve when looking at Robin even says the biblical verse “let there be light” (the beginning of creation and human beings-i.e Robin).”And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.” (wow this doesn’t sound just like the black-watery-void in the upsidedown at all) XD. Robins were also considered holy birds by the God thor (the god of Thunder and lightning).  She’s gay, into comics, rides a bike,  and is afraid of drs just like Will is, and was tied to a chair for info like ww. She references surfing (billy) and has a spy storyline. She’s a smart,  into rock music and wants to fit in . And makes fun of her friends’ love-lives to hide her own insecurities about her own romantic feelings and sexuality (that weren’t accepted at that time). And has feelings for a girl who can’t sing (mike) who pays too much attention to a person who didn’t even like them (Steve/El) . Buckley could be a ref to a ‘buck’ deer (like the one the demogorgan killed in s1/ typical hunting game). And another legend says that the Robins were red because it scorched its bre*st in the fires of Purgatory, mercifully taking drops of water in its beak for the lips of the parched souls in torment( the opposite of devil-lonnie).Robins also feature in the traditional children's tale Babes in the Wood, the birds out of kindness cover the de*d b*dies of the 2 abandoned children found in the woods with strawberry leaves (who had been k*lled by an abusive family member) .  Not sure if mrs driscoll (being a strawberry name is a coincidence to that whole cherry/strawberry/heathers movie ref with alexi? Robin is also a unis*x/male name like most of the other gals on the list. While her crush ‘tammy’ (means ‘twin’. could be a clue about Robin being an alter?).  

the rebuttal could be simply: buckley can mean ‘goat’ which would match her bff’s surname Harrington (’he-goat’). And just be a cute little nod to them.While Robin means ‘bright fame’ just like our fallen super-hero Bob ( since robin and bob are nicknames for Robert)- so could also be a simple nod to him.But her names could be both a nod and a deep ref-  who knows.

Barb

Barb- Barbara means “strange” or “foreign” , while Barb means “stranger”. Her name could also be based on the saint Barbara- who was carefully guarded by her father who kept her locked up in a tower (like Hopper & Brenner to El/Lonnie to Will) in order to preserve her from the outside world . He later tries killing her. However, as punishment, he was struck by lightning on the way home and his body was consumed by flame (connection to ww who likes using fireballs against bad guys and who also has lightning powers). She’s best friends with a wheeler (although pictures show us unlike byler they’re not childhood friends). she may have been queer coded and had feelings for her bff  (moping after Nancy leaves to sleep with Steve) . In a s1 flashback Will specifically watched ‘poltergeist’ with his mom- and is then thrust into the same scenario as the little girl (being trapped in another dimension- where the mothers can only hear their voices and communicate to them through electronics ). And barb’s pool scene echos the pool scene in the movie too-a women being attacked in a pool ( and could be considered similar to being attacked in a tub/sensory deprivation tank). And similar to El , she wakes up in the upsidedown and pukes up a white fluid calling for Wheeler- but gets no help. Unlike Will. For Halloween she also dressed up as a scary clown (Will’s fear) when Nancy dressed up as a bunny (an animal lonnie forced them to kill).  She also is dragged away in a similar way to Billy -down stairs.

Her mom’s first name (Marsha) also has the same meaning as Martin Brenner- ‘war like’. A hint Lonnie is violent or maybe was a vet?

Other npcs

Besides the russians, we also have some of the americans who experimented in Hawkin’s lab: most notably Brenner and becky/terry Ives.

“Some survivors will internalize their family into their own DID system.“

Brenner and Lonnie have similar appearances (and in the original script he was suppose to be unshaved and wear plaid and jeans... prob too obvious to keep) . They forced their kids to kill animals, threw them in a dark places, submerged them into water, and also praised them when violent, and tied people to beds (yes lonnie did that - why mf and terry are both tied up there). Brenner even means- ‘someone who cleared forests by burning (showing his connection to ww with fire, and because forests is where hunting/ab*se took place).His collegue - the blond women’s name , Fraizer means -  “of the forrest men” (the male hunters who terrorized Will/ww most likely).

Terry/ Becky Ives.Becky means “snare-a trap for catching birds or animals”. While Terry (Teressa means “huntress’) .While Ives means-  yew wood (a tree).Terry’s backstory should also raise eyebrows when we see when going to Hawkin’s lab that the Byers’ car is there (a tip off this story isn’t reality but from Will’s subconscious). 

Terry also turns in pain on the bed and sees sunflowers. And Will has a sunflower book next to his bed.

While Terry has an appearance similar to Jon’s (blonde and almond shaped brown eyes and Terry is a unis*x name) and both steal guns and drive a long distance in order to help rescue Will/el. This is the season of ‘mr mom’ after all (where Jon takes pics of Will on Halloween just like the other moms). Becky also compares Terry to Joyce too by saying Hopper would have been her type . And both joyce and terry/becky have a “crazy aunt” and were both deemed as ‘crazy’ when not believed about their children being kidnapped and indeed alive. we also see in El’s room (that Terry decorated) -bunnies (that lonnie forced the boys to kill) and clowns (Will’s fear). Along with fox’s which were in castle byers.  We also see Owl’s in both the byers’ and Ive’s house (which also represent ‘paranomal wisdom’).  And Winona mentioned the movie ‘prince of sands’ in an st interview. In that the psychiatrist interviews the older brother to fill in the memory-gaps of his sister (who has DID so can’t remember) he eventually admits both were r*ped as kids. And also tells a story in therapy about how their mom m*scarried and the dad threw the st*llborne in the freezer over night-so let’s hope throwing the demodog in the freezer and Terry’s miscarriage doesn’t have that traumatizing meaning. It’s also possible Terry isn’t an npc but a type of alter-given how her and El participated in ‘memory sharing’ and Terry’s power’s affected lights.”An alter may be stuck in an eternal flashback or refuse to accept that anything has changed since the period of time during which they experienced trauma“ (Terry being trapped in the time-loop after being tied to the bed/attacked).

Npcs ...but possibly other alters

I believe susie was a npc created because Will felt bad for Dustin - after the max/lucas situation. so he made what he assumed would be the perfect girl for him. She even has the same name as Max’s mom:susie vs susan. He met her from camp ‘Knowhere’ ( she’s from no where). The blonde american spy (who is also an npc) even mentions a science tech camp in s1 that dustin goes to in s3 .She has space related stuff in her room like sarah, wizard of oz poster (referencing Will), and she reads the ‘wizard of Earthsea’ -about a boy-wizard named jed  who realizes the evil ancient shadow he’s been fighting is actually the dark part of his personality -and he needs to merge with it to bring balance. Everyone questions if she’s real or exists- similar to el asking Kali “are you real?”Stranger things instagram posted a fake movie poster- emulating ‘weird science’. A movie about 2 boys creating a ‘perfect women’ from scratch for them and comparing this created gal to susie (they aren’t endgame with this girl in the movie-despite her original programing). Like susie/dustin not being endgame.

Dustin on his canon spotify playlist even has the song ‘weird science’.Her appearance is based off what most boys liked, celeb ‘phoebe kates’. And it may be just a narrative device but in s2 Max lies about mormons at the door, the season before she appears.

And of course her song alludes to what’s happening in the narrative. “Make believe I'm everywhere Given in the light (demogorgan/ lonnie in shed) .dream a dream and what you see will be ( his nightmares based on his ‘memories’)/Rhymes that keep their secrets WILL unfold behind the clouds (mf on his clouds and lightning).And there upon a rainbow (Will/ his powers/ accepting his queer identity and healing) Is the answer to a never ending story.’

Similarly, Heather Holloway is most likely from Will’s mind (my guess an alter)-and her appearence is also based on Phoebe.  In the show , they reference ‘fast times’  where Phoebe wears a red bathing suit just like Heather. Billy also mimics phoebe by slow-mo walking in a red bathing suit to the same song phoebe did in the movie. 

After El and Max see the pic of Heather and her dad the lyric  ‘loving you is a sin’ plays. And she shows an aggression mostly to her father- with her mom she simply dr*gs her but for her father she hits him in the head with a bottle and gags him with a rag and ties him up and throws him in the trunk after she was similarly tied up and thrown in the trunk (unlike the mom who was in the back seat). Billy and Heather were the ones with the most focus during their possessions - and Will said the mf would target “another me” ( another Will). She is str*ngled in the shower and later drowned in a tub into a dark abyss screaming for help before merging with the mf.  Both susie and heather are names symbolizing flowers.Susie- means Lily. While Heather is  also a variety of small shrubs with pink or white flowers which commonly grow in rocky areas.Holloway is a topographic surname, which was given to a person who resided near a physical feature such as a hill, stream, or type of tree. Also her dad (Tom- means ‘twin’ which could be another DID hint.like Tammy Tompson along with their names being associated with the nature/woods where ab*se took place).

Possible npcs or  alters (BUT possibly just normal people from the real world) : 

Murray Bauman (possibly an npc or alter?)- Between seasons Joyce mentioned going to Chicago with Will for therapy- where murray is from. Similar to Will who has a ‘do not enter” sign . Murray  has a  “keep door closed”. Both are proficient with shotg*ns . Murray drinks and smokes a lot like Hopper/Lonnie. He makes up a story about how what happened to Barb being a chemical leak. And next season the possessed are consuming chemicals and the npc russians are experimenting with chemicals. Hopper lied in s1 about having a friend from the times- and in s2 Murray from the times magically appears. He says Jon is easier to read than Nancy and immediately pegs his issues with his dad. He references Wizard of Oz by saying “people don’t like looking behind the curtain” (in the movie what was behind the curtain was a wizard-Will). He also has cameras everywhere like the american npcs. Also, it’d be pretty funny if he was investigating crazy conspiracies like aliens but never realized he was a part of one all along.

Erica-Not on the inspo list but she could be like Buffy’s sis from buffy the vampire slayer. The memories of Buffy and her associates were altered, along with relevant records, so that they believed Dawn always existed as Buffy's sister. Dawn is, however, a real girl, Buffy's biological sister, and has real memories of her fictional childhood. Erica has rainbows/sunflowers in her room in s2 (connected to Terry). And Erica is a plant that means “HEATHER”.

what all these possible alters /npc’s generally have in common is unlike ‘natural people’ they all have names associated with hunting or the woods (because that’s where a lot of the ab*se most often took place). name meaning : becky - snare (a trap for catching birds or animals). Teressa-huntress. Dianne (Hopper’s ex wife) - is a roman goddess of hunting.  brenner- ‘someone who cleared forests by burning’. the blond women, Brenner worked with,  Fraizer-  “of the forrest men” (the male hunters who terrorized Will most likely). mayfield- open country (field) where madder (mæddre) grows', Hargrove-grove filled with rabbits" , Holland- wood land, Bruce (who was also possessed) - means WILLow lands .ives- yew wood (of tree) ,Bauman: comes from the German word "baum," or "boum" in Middle High and Old German, meaning "tree’. Bauman may have originally been a nickname for someone who lived by a tree. Holloway is a topographic surname, which was given to a person who resided near a physical feature such as a hill, stream, or type of tree. Suzie-  lily flower. Susan (Max’s mom)- means lily, lotus flower or rose.  Heather is also a variety of small shrubs with pink or white flowers which commonly grow in rocky areas.  Neil -cloud. Buckley- buck deer. Rhadaghast (Will’s castle byers password)- is a wizard who protects the forrest and it’s creatures.

or an association with fire/lightning/god: robin- bird of the God Thor , sara- married abraham who tried to k*ll his son for god, barabara- saint who’s ab*sive father tried to k*ll her for not believing in his religion- so he was electrocuted and lit on fire by god. Kali/El are names of gods

the main exceptions being Hopper an interject . Although Hop could be a bunny pun, he even references bunnies in s3. And Jim meaning to “supplant” /“suprecede” ( replace/take the place of a person or thing previously in authority or use) hints at him being an interject.And heather’s dad Tom (who was possessed means ‘twin’) like Robin’s crush  Tammy (’twin’) Thompson (’son of tom’) . And Marsha Holland (barb’s mom) & Martin Brenner both have first names meaning ‘war-like” (a hint at Lonnie being warlike, or being a vietnam vet perhaps?) 

Ok, guys that’s about it- I hope you enjoyed. :)

[9worldstales]

MCU What if Ep 1-2-3: My two cents

So, I’ve been watching the “What if” series. I won’t beat it around the bush, I’m enjoying it but at the same time I get the feeling this series is aimed at younger audience, younger audience which isn’t deeply familiar with the movies and needs to be feed a simpler storyline.

In fact from the way they present it in each episode 1 single change should be the one which gives life to a parallel universe in a sort of domino effect… only, from what I could see in those 3 episodes, there are actually multiple unconnected changes, 1 presented more markedly as if it were the one starting everything and the others… just there for unknown reasons but they aren’t remarked and might easily be missed by who doesn’t remember well the movies.

Characterizations are also simplified, with heroes more black and white than grey, and a general toning down of the drama. This isn’t necessarily tied to the short time, 30 minutes in the hand of a good storyteller are plenty of time to construct a complicate, adult, emotionally engaging story… but a complicate story requires an audience willing to put its mind to understand it, or capable to handle a more morally nuanced plot or that wouldn’t be too distressed by a more emotionally engaging one.

This kind of audience is clearly not what those stories are aiming at.

This isn’t meant to say they’re bad, they’re perfect for young audience, passing on a good message, being overall funny and giving them the chance to enjoy the heroes they love in a different setting.

Dialogues are nice, their voice actors so far delivered good performance, the art isn’t bad and the stories can feel still intriguing enough.

However, if you think too hard at them, especially in comparison to the original movie, the story tends to crumble or feel morally poor or mess up the characterization or some other thing.

Overall I think the “What if” so far are more enjoyable if you don’t really remember well the movies and, anyway, judge them as stand-alone more than “What if” based on how a single divergence from the plot could create a new timeline.

Some examples?

Pick “What If... Captain Carter Were the First Avenger?”

The divergence supposedly happens when Peggy decides to stay in the room.

Erskine: Agent Carter, wouldn't you be more comfortable in the booth? Peggy: No, I'd prefer to stay. Watcher: There. That's the moment that created a new universe. When asked to leave the room, Margaret "Peggy" Carter chose to stay. But soon it would be her venturing into the unknown and creating a new world.

Only, in truth, it’s not just Peggy who was meant to go to the booth and didn’t.

EVERYONE was meant to go to the booth… only they all stay and Kruger, the spy from Hydra, who was seated in the booth BEHIND Peggy in “Captain America”, in the “What if” episode attacks the lab during Erskine’s explanation and not, as he did in “Captain America”, after the experiment took place, using as a distraction a bomb he left in the booth, and not on the floor of near to where the experiment was taking place so that it can kill Erskine.

And, to be really accurate, Erskine, in “Captain America”, asked Peggy to move to the booth when Steve was already lying down for the experiment, while here we see him asking her so while the two are standing next to each other and he hadn’t started undressing yet.

And there’s a reason why in the movie things were done like that.

Of course in the movie everyone was in the booth, it was safer should something go wrong with the experiment.

Of course Kruger waited for the experiment to be carried on, if it didn’t work there was no point in stealing a vial of a serum that didn’t work.

Of course Kruger left the bomb in the booth and made it explode when he was outside of it, so that he was sure it would create distraction but not harm him.

Overall, it’s not just Peggy that acts differently, it’s Erskine, who asked her to move in advance, it’s all the people there, who didn’t move to the booth, it’s ESPECIALLY, Kruger, who originally aimed to see if the serum worked and, in this case, steal it and kill Erskine so he couldn’t produce more and instead he now doesn’t check if the serum works and kills, for unknown reasons Chester Phillips, who didn’t even have a weapon in his hand and so didn’t pose a threat.

Even the placing of the bomb is poor because, since there was plenty of mechanisms in the lab, it could have triggered a series of explosions that were to destroy the whole place, himself and all the serum included.

But how many young viewers noticed all this or worry for the risk of everything exploding or realize that causing an explosion outside of the room in which the serum was worked as a diversion so as to take people away from that place, while if the bomb were to explode there, everyone would converge in that place, with hydrants possibly as no one worries about fire spreading but they should… even if there’s magically not as much as there should be.

And tragic scenes get tamed down, we don’t see Erskine die, we might not even realize he died in the explosion, young viewers might not remember or not like Chester Phillips so when he’s shoot he doesn’t leave an impression and Kruger’s shape gets shoot down by Peggy so we don’t have him committing suicide.

It’s not a complain, it’s a logic choice to make the series more palatable to a younger target by toning down the violence and the drama in it.

And so we reach the big event of the episode.

John Flynn would want Stark to get the serum injected in himself (forgetting there were men of the MP around him who shouldn’t be all dead) but starts to complain when Peggy volunteers to take the serum herself. Peggy does anyway and again things are tamed down, as Steve ended up screaming so loud in “Captain America” Peggy feared they were killing him and they considered stopping the experiment but Peggy doesn’t scream at all.

Sure, in had been scientifically proved women are built to handle pain better, but very likely Peggy’s lack of scream isn’t because she’s tougher, it’s again to not upset young audience.

So, while Steve lies on the ground and no one comes to help him, Peggy comes out of the experiment enhanced. But here we’ve the real core of the episode, John Flynn decides the experiment is an absolute failure. Why?

Flynn: Sixty million dollars and all the hope in the world down the drain. I was promised an army. I was promised peace and salvation. Instead, I get a girl.

Basically the real core of the episode, the real theme is that Captain Carter will have to fight discrimination based on sexism.

Peggy: You have a Super Soldier. Flynn: Women aren't soldiers, and they sure as hell don't fight on the front lines. They might break a nail.

Undoubtedly this is an important matter, it’s a good topic to make an episode about, to give young girls an heroine, to show to them and to the boys what an absolute moron Flynn was in discriminating Peggy, also presenting boys being supportive of Peggy and trusting her. Howard Stark, Steve Rogers, and then Bucky and everyone else, all the men who see Peggy fighting are ultimately supportive and admiring of her. This is important. But Flynn’s sexism is better remarked if we don’t remember what happened in “Captain America”.

Steve Rogers: Sir, if you’re going after Schmidt, I want in. Col. Chester Phillips: You’re an experiment. You’re going to Alamogordo. Steve Rogers: The serum worked. Col. Chester Phillips: I asked for an army and all I got was you. You are not enough. Senator Brandt: [to Steve] With all due respect to the Colonel, I think we may be missing the point. I’ve seen you in action, Steve. More importantly, the country’s seen it. [to his aide] Paper.[the aide shows them the news paper (‘The New York Examiner’ Vol. XCVII No. 33.634, Wednesday, June 23, 1943), headlines: "Nazis in New York - mystery man saves child"] The enlistment lines have been around the block since your picture hit the newsstands. You don’t take a soldier, a symbol like that, and hide him in a lab. Son, do you want to serve your country on the most important battlefield of the war? Steve Rogers: Sir, that’s all I want. Senator Brandt: Then, congratulations. You just got promoted.

I mean, Rogers was a male and he too was judged ‘not enough’. Brandt has him tour the nation in a colorful costume as “Captain America” to promote war bonds, while scientists study him and attempt to reverse-engineer the formula.

Chester Phillips was likely killed because otherwise they would have no reason to deal with Peggy the same way he dealt with Steve ‘one is not enough’, only it wouldn’t have been a sexist problem, just math (though it could be argued Phillips never trusted Steve to begin with). This causes the message ‘sexism is dumb’ ends up feeling forced because it’s basically pasted over a previous narrative of ‘not being enough’. If you want, you can read it as always discrimination and discrimination it’s always bad, but it still cheapens the message.

All this not to say that the episode isn’t awesome if seen as a stand-alone… it’s just that when you compare it with “Captain America” it feels weaker.

And then there are the other discrepancies, like the Hydra bringing the Tesseract to Berlin and not to Azzano (a sign somehow Schmidt and Hitler didn’t have a fall out) with Stark using it to power up an “Hydra Stomper” suit that proves if he had had the right power sources and technologies he could have built “Iron Man” too.

They’re not bad points (actually I loved the “Hydra Stomper” suit and how Peggy rode it the way Tekkaman from “Uchu no Kishi Tekkaman” used to ride Pegas in my childhood memories) but again they’re divergences without a clear reason. Schmidt and Hitler shouldn’t get along better solely because Peggy got the serum.

And that’s the first episode.

“What If... T'Challa Became a Star-Lord?” is also clearly aimed to a younger audience but with a goal different from “What If... Captain Carter Were the First Avenger?”

Watcher: What you call destiny is just an equation, a product of variables. Right place, right time, or in some instances, the wrong place at the wrong time. As fate would have it, at that very moment, a Ravager spacecraft was arriving on Earth to abduct the spawn of the Celestial, Ego. But in this universe, Yondu outsourced the assignment to his subordinates. Yondu: You morons grabbed the wrong kid!

For start this episode doesn’t try to rewrite a single movie, but by taking pieces of assorted movies “Thor: The Dark World” (for Tivan) “Guardians of the Galaxy” (for the idea of the setting), “Black Panther” (for T’Challa), “Avengers: Infinity War” (for the Black Order), “Captain America” (Tivan has his shielf), “Thor: Ragnarok” (TIvan has and uses Hela’s headpiece, talking of her as if he knew her and we can see he also has Thor’s hammer), “Thor: The Dark World” (Tivan has Malekith’s dagger) creates a completely different timeline by changing something that happened in 1988 and then jumping straight in… 2014, I presume, where a lot is different but we aren’t meant to see the process due to which things were changed, just to accept how T’Challa, kidnapped as a kid by the Ravagers, managed to make the difference.

In fact the whole theme of this episode is that T’Challa is a hero and a role model that gets success and admiration by TALKING TO PEOPLE AND PERSUADING THEM TO DO THE RIGHT THING. He’s meant not to have a character arc but to create a world that’s the best possible for people.

In fact we’re told just by talking with Thanos he persuaded him to stop his whole plan without using violence.

Korath: How exactly did you stop Thanos, the Mad Titan, from decimating half of the universe? Oh, no. Thanos: I'm a big enough man to admit when I'm wrong. T'Challa here showed me there was more than one way to reallocate the universe's resources. T’Challa: Sometimes the best weapon in your arsenal is just a good argument.

I mean, he doesn’t just turn the Ravagers into Robin Hood’s “merry men”, he talks with Thanos and Thanos decides to change his ways.

This is great, a wonderful message, a message against violence, a message about the power of the words and it makes T’Challa a real hero who, just by talking, saves the universe from Thanos but… but T’Challa from the movies was maybe not so good at persuading people from not doing wrong but he still had something amazing that made him very human and, at the same time a role model.

T’Challa wasn’t perfect, he made mistakes… but then he would admit them and correct them.

In “Captain America: Civil War” he wants to kill Bucky in retaliation for what happened to his father…

Natasha Romanoff: T'Challa. Task force will decide who brings in Barnes. T'Challa: [He clenches his fist.] Don't bother, Miss Romanoff. I'll kill him myself.

…but then he understands killing his father’s murder would be wrong and even stops Zemo from committing suicide.

T'Challa: Vengeance has consumed you. It's consuming them. [He blinks ruefully and retracts the claws in his gloves.] I am done letting it consume me. Justice will come soon enough. Helmut Zemo: [Holding a gun Zemo smiles thinly.] Tell that to the dead. [He tries to shoot himself but T'Challa grabs him just as he fires.] T'Challa: The living are not done with you yet.

And the same goes in “Black Panther”. At first he doesn’t want to ask Killmonger his name because he knows he is his uncle’s son and this would give him the right to compete for the throne as well as expose what his father did…

Killmonger: Oh, I ain't requesting nothing! Ask who I am? Shuri: You are Eric Steves. An American black operative. A mercenary nicknamed Killmonger. That's who you are. Killmonger: (LAUGHING) That's not my name, Princess. Ask me, King? T'Challa: No. Killmonger: Ask me. T'Challa: Take him away.

…but then he’ll acknowledges they had wronged him, will show him Wakanda’s beauty and will change things in Wakanda. T’Challa in the movies isn’t as perfect as T’Challa in the “What if” episode. He can’t solve everything and make the world perfect. He isn’t always right. He gets angry, vengeful, afraid of the truth. But then he rises above this and does the right thing.

“What if” T’Challa is a model of perfection that’s admirable… but that sits simply too high above the original T’Challa who also had to deal with Thanos but didn’t even think he could change his mind just by giving him a talk… and with good reason.

Younger kids might not realize because they might have not fully grasped how Thanos was a genocidal maniac, who massacred millions even prior to the snap, tortured his daughters and even removed body parts from Nebula. They might swallow it was just that easy to talk him into not doing the snap, and Thanos only needed someone to tell him it was wrong… and that in truth he loved Nebula… but for older viewers while beautiful, this is simply unbelievable.

And what about Yondu and the Ravagers? Just because they had T’Challa they became good and righteous. This is how Peter Quill described Yondu in “Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2” which still gives a sympathetic portrayal of Yondu:

Quill: He wasn't my father. Yondu was the guy who abducted me. He'd beat the crap out of me so I'd learn how to fight and he kept me in terror threatening to eat me.

But T’Challa doesn’t seem to have such complains against Yondu.

Now… In Quill’s case Yondu kept Quill so as to protect him from Ego…

Yondu: Once I figured out what happened to the other kids, I wasn't gonna just hand you over.

…yet he kidnap him and tells him his home was destroyed so as to manipulate him into staying… but this is so easily forgotten by T’Challa to the point children might not even realize it was there. Yondu was a good dad for him, he kidnapped him because T’Challa was basically wasted at home.

Yondu: Sometimes you need to hear a lie to see the truth. You're just like me, T'Challa. T’Challa: I am nothing like you. Yondu: You're an explorer, Star-Lord. And for people like you, like us, the past ain't nothing but a prison. You don't belong down there with them. You belong up here with us, with your family.

Although T’Challa doesn’t seem to agree at first… in the end all is forgotten.

Yondu: Look, T'Challa, I just wanted to say... T’Challa: There's no need. I was the one who told you I wanted to see the world. All you did was show me the universe.

and

T’Chaka: (Voice shaking) My son, my son. I knew you would find your way home to us. T’Challa: I'm sorry it took me so long. Let me introduce you to the family I made along the way.

All this is to basically excuse the premise, something horrible like kidnapping a child is passed as not really something terrible so that kids wouldn’t deal with its emotional implications and can even think that it was a pity that, in the normal universe, it was Peter Quill that was kidnapped… without realizing that kidnapping is bad and that in T’Challa’s case Yondu wasn’t even doing it because he wanted to protect him. Actually it’s unexplained why, all of sudden, Yondu felt the need to keep T’Challa and completely forgot about Quill, didn’t even care about making sure Ego wouldn’t find Quill despite, thanks to T’Challa, becoming a better person. It’s another change, one that people knowing the movies is bound to notice but not kids.

So again, for who knows the movie well, the story ends up being weak and this is also because, while T’Challa could persuade Thanos off screen not to commit genocide… all of sudden his persuasive power isn’t even really tested out with Tivan. Tivan is the big evil… yet he’s somehow less fearsome than Thanos because we clearly don’t want to scare the kids.

So again, wonderful for young audience who doesn’t remember well the movies… not so solid for who’s older.

And so we move to “What If... the World Lost Its Mightiest Heroes?” which is absolutely my favourite so far. This one at a first glance seems to be a “What if” of a comic named “The Avengers Prelude: Fury's Big Week”.

The awesome thing of this story is we don’t know what changed the universe, we only discover that someone is killing off the Avengers before they could become the Avengers, starting with Tony Stark.

The mystery is, at a first glance, cool, the idea original, Natasha gets a big role as she investigates and even fights things along with Fury and, again, children will likely not really realize how the “What if” is actually changing the settings even when they’re supposedly not related to the change that caused this parallel reality, the death of Hope van Dyne. I mean, we can start our list of changes with the random funny things that has no reason to happen because Hope’s death shouldn’t have made Coulson and Barton to be so appreciative of Thor’s hair, something they never bring up in the movie…

Coulson: Whoa. I got visual on the intruder. He's a Caucasian male, mid-twenties with... really great hair. Fury: Excuse me? Coulson: It's an accurate description. Sir, he's gorgeous. Fury: I need eyes in the sky. Barton. Barton: Already on it. He's making a move on the hammer. One shot, one kill, sir. Just say the word. Fury: Hold your fire. I wanna see this. Barton: Whoa. Coulson wasn't lying about the hair. That's nice.

…to continue with more plot related matters like how Betty should have known Banner had intruded in her lab dressed up as a delivery boy and was now hiding in a wardrobe… but if we want we can forgive them. Maybe Hope’s death really changed some things in weird ways we couldn’t predict… but the place with the biggest revolution seems to be Asgard… which actually shouldn’t have been affected by by Hope’s death AT ALL and instead the situation is completely different from how it were in “Thor” to the point I could write a 20 pages meta on the changes. But, if we assume this episode is aimed at children, it works because the “Thor” situation was complicate and here instead they show solely some random and confuse elements that children might have picked up from talks about the movies… but that weren’t like that in “Thor”.

And again we have messages that can be good for children, how a father will love his little girl, how Nick Fury will save the day even without the Avengers, how:

Fury: S.H.I.E.L.D. is people, people willing to give their lives for something greater than themselves to save the world from men like you.

…and how in the darkest time new heroes will always come to save Earth as when Loki take over because it seems there are no more Avengers, Fury can still count on Carol Danvers and Steve Rogers.

Coulson: The Avengers fell before they had a chance to rise. May they rest in peace. Fury: They can, but we won't. The Avengers were always meant to be more than a team. They were an idea, the affirmation of humanity's need to believe that in our darkest hour, we will find our heroes. Watcher: I believe that in this universe, as in every other, hope never dies. As long as someone keeps their good eye on the bigger picture.

It’s a good message about hope… but again, it’s something for children. We’re meant to believe Earth could be conquered in one day time without struggle whatsoever… and that only the heroes could save it. Children might not remember it but in “The Avengers” humans tried to nuke New York to stop Loki… the idea they would just sit and say ‘whatever’ to Loki’s domination makes it look as if they actually agree with him to an adult… but, of course, the battle of New York is something we might not want to show to a little child.

And now… something else that’s relevant.

I said the “What ifs” are good stories for children… but we’re talking of young children here because if the child is a little older they can end up passing a completely wrong message.

Remember "What If... Captain Carter Were the First Avenger?" and how it tackled sexism as an absurd behavior to keep? How Captain Carter overcomes it? By using her supersoldier powers to beat the Nazi. She shows as a supersoldier she works.

Does she turns over the concept that ‘Women aren't soldiers, and they sure as hell don't fight on the front lines. They might break a nail’?

At most she proves she can be a soldier. She doesn’t fight using the fact she’s a woman as her strongest point, she fights using her super strength as her strongest point… where Steve Roger’s strongest point wasn’t his enhanced strength but his moral values. Peggy proves as a super soldier she’s equal to Steve… but Steve as a super soldier proved he was better than Red Skull. Peggy’s actions in the story doesn’t cause people to revalue women in general, just her. People either aren’t sexist and accept her regardless of her genre (Howard, Steve) or they’re sexist but accept her because she is strong.

It’s meaningful that when she thinks Steve is dead Flynn goes back to his old mindset…

Flynn: She should never have been in the field in the first place.

… because the truth is he never changed it. Peggy had only yelled at them to stop calling Steve “Hydra Stomper” as his name was “Steve Roger” and Flynn decides she, not Steve who actually died, should have never been in the field.

They don’t show how Peggy got information from Zola, which seems to imply all she did to get them was to beat him up. Chester Phillips in “Captain America” manipulated him into talking with his intelligence only.

Do you know which were Peggy’s abilities in the universe in which she isn’t a super soldier? She’s a Master Martial Artist, an Expert Marksman, a Master Spy, an Expert Tactician, a Thief and can speak and read English, Russian and German fluently as well as use a convincing American accent.

This is hardly noticeable though in her own story.

Howard: Should we not have a plan? Peggy: Who needs a plan? I have a shield. Howard: A shield is not a plan. Oh, Carter...

She was a tactician!

Now… she has a shield. But whatever girl wants to be like her won’t have a shield, nor a super serum. To be a real role model for girls who aren’t anymore children Peggy needed to have qualities they too could have that would empower her. The only good moment is when she understands what Howard plans to do:

Howard: If I can get to the controls, I can transpose the ingress and do science stuff. Peggy: You mean transpose the polarity and reverse the suction? Howard: Being the genius is my thing.

But again, the irony here is that this is no genius plan, middle school students had probably seen him being done in movies and cartoons already. It might seem genius idea to kids, but when you’re older it hardly sounds like one… and when Howard complains all in the machine is written in German they don’t have Peggy show her knowledge of it, and translate the words as she fight, she just fight and he’s supposed to figure things out.

“Captain America” is a role model for what he has inside. I’m sure Peggy Carter has plenty of things inside her as well… but “What if” makes it more about the super strength she has gained.

Where Steve gains Phillips’ respect, Flynn’s respect is more a façade due to her successes thanks to her super strength, and that respect gets pulled back as soon as she gets upset by his behavior. Sure, Flynn is a worse person than Phillips in this black and white world but this too is part of the narrative. If Peggy can’t permanently win over sexism in one person, it’s not real victory at all. If what’s remarkable about her is how she fights (due to the serum) then who didn’t have it, will never have a hope. Peggy Carter was more of a female model when she wasn’t supersoldier, she felt more of a role model in “Captain America”, when she got to do this with her own strength:

Peggy Carter: Put your right foot forward. Gilmore Hodge: Mmm… We gonna wrassle? Cause I got a few moves I know you’ll like. [suddenly Peggy punches him hard in the face. Col.Phillips drives up] Col. Chester Phillips: Agent Carter. Peggy Carter: Colonel Phillips. Col. Chester Phillips: I see you’re breaking in the candidates. That’s good!

…than when she punched Nazis thanks to being a super soldier. Peggy has never been a fragile Fräulein, but this episode seems to remark she’s not one merely because she has taken the serum.

As a result… she sets an impossible role model for girls. If the key to be (partially) respected and accepted by males is to get the super soldier serum and/or the shiled… well, that serum doesn’t exist, not does the shield.

And a similar problem exists in “What If... T'Challa Became a Star-Lord?”

Teaching a small child he can solve problems by talking and not by hitting is important… but passing the message that you can stop bullies or worse just by talking to them is again setting an impossible role model. People like Thanos can’t be stopped with just words. People like Yondu and the Ravagers wouldn’t become Robin Hood and his merry men merely because they have with themselves a young boy who tells them the right things… and what Yondu does to T’Challa is worse than what he did to Quill and having been kidnapped as a child shouldn’t be waved off so easily. We’re not talking of Yondu finding an orphaned T’Challa and raising him, if he had picked up N’Jadaka after he lost his father it would have been different, but here, he just ripped a child from a loving family, a family he loved back. And it’s almost presented as a good thing because this causes the universe to be saved by Thanos, Yondu’s lie giving T’Challa the motivation to try to to make the universe a better place.

Nebula: You lost your home, and now you save everyone else's.

And problems continue with “What If... the World Lost Its Mightiest Heroes?” because there, the solution, the hope, is presented solely by the superheroes. No one opposes to Loki, the whole Earth is expected to be saved by Captain America and Carol Danvers. The one who refuses to kneel to Loki is Fury, who’s considered special. We don’t have in this story a lone old man who’s standing stubbornly despite the threat.

LOKI: Kneel before me. [The crowd ignores him. Three more Loki's appear, surrounding and blocking the crowd from escaping.] I said KNEEL! [While the crowd quietly kneels, Loki embraces out his arms with a wide smile] Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel. ELDER GERMAN MAN: [As the words resonate to the kneeling crowd, an elder German man refuses to kneel and stands, heroic.] Not to men like you. LOKI: There are no men like me. ELDER GERMAN MAN: There are always men like you. LOKI: Look to your elder, people. Let him be an example. [As Loki is about to execute the man with his scepter as the light glows blue. Right as the energy beam shoots out, Captain America arrives, diving in just in time to block the blast with his shield, and knocking down Loki]

So basically in this series heroes set impossible standards… and are the only ones who can save the day. It can be fun for an adult, as he doesn’t need role models… but for a boy who’s no more a small child but not yet old enough to do without viewing heroes are role models, the heroes presents a standard that is something unattainable. And this is bad because he too might enjoy watching the show, but the show gives him no hope… where ironically, Marvel movies were about giving positive role models in which you could identify.

Overall I stay my case, the “What if” series is definitely enjoyable… but the bar for the target audience is set to a very young age, they don’t really follow the idea that one small change can realistically change everything because they actually intrude plenty of small changes for their setting to work, and might end up not giving the right message if you’re in between a age between a small child and an adult. Of course future “What if” episodes might change, and I will probably still love them because I adore what if… but I would love them even more if they had aimed to a target audience a little older… making their heroes, more realistic role models which can be emulated and if they had respected their own premise, that ONE SINGLE CHANGE can create a completely different new reality.

What changed in the Peggy episode wasn’t just Peggy not sitting on the booth. What changed in the T’Challa episode wasn’t just Yondu sending his subordinates to pick up a kid. What changed in the mightiest heroes episode wasn’t just Hope dying.

The fact you need more changes in order to make the difference makes the initial point that one change can make the difference void. You destroy your own premise… and this is not really a great idea.

But whatever, I guess if the idea is that the audience is really young, they didn’t expect the audience to pick this up but just to swallow their idea that ‘a moment created a new universe’.

MEDIA MENTIONED:

Movies: “Iron Man 2” (2010), “The Incredible Hulk" (2008), “Thor” (2011), “Captain America: The First Avenger” (2011), “The Avengers” (2012), “Thor: The Dark World” (2013), “Captain America: The Civil War” (2016), “Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2” (2017), “Thor – Ragnark” (2017), “Black Panther” (2018), "Avengers: Infinity War” (2018), “Captain Marvel” (2019)

Comics: “The Avengers Prelude Fury's Big Week” (2012)

[seven-oomen]

Breaking the cycle | How Teen Wolf portrays its traumatized fathers

First of, I would like to say that the following words are my take on this. I am a 29 year old trans man of Caucasian descend who is an domestic violence and abuse survivor. I am diagnosed with ADHD since 12 and diagnosed with CPTSD since this year. I understand trauma and I understand what it does to people. But I am not a professional. I am a fan.

Secondly, the characters I’ll be talking about today are specifically the fathers of some of the main characters in Teen Wolf. Namely Chris Argent, Peter Hale, and Noah Stilinski. 

I realize there are many more traumatized parents who would fit well in this essay and while I thought about including them, I decided that for now, these are the three characters I’m focusing on.

I would love to hear your thoughts about some of the other parents and how their traumatizing pasts might have contributed to the way they raised their children.

Sources are listed under the read more. The gifs I’m using are from Google.

I will be focusing on these characters, discuss what sort of trauma they have, how it affects them and how it affects the way they then raised their children. And why their stories are important for trauma and abuse survivors.

Let’s start with Noah Stilinski.

From Episode 3, Season 6 Sundowning we know the following about Noah’s homelife:

Elias was known for being both emotionally and physically abusive, and on at least one occasion, Noah stepped in to protect his mother from his abuse, causing his father to inadvertently throw him into a glass coffee table; his shoulder was scarred, and tiny fragments of glass remain under the now-healed wound even in the present day.

He even tells Scott: (While talking about a memory of him and Claudia in College.) “The kind of father I wish I had. The kind I... I hope to be."

In the same episode Noah also refers to the incident above as “That time.” Indicating that it wasn’t the first time this happened and it wasn’t the last either.

Piecing all the information together we can conclude that Noah was emotionally, psychologically, and physically abused by his father. We can also conclude that this abuse extended to his mother. Meaning he was also a victim of domestic violence.

There is also evidence in the episode that Elias might have abused Stiles, or at the very least has a very negative opinion of his grandson.  “ That's right! Act like I'm not even here! Go crawling back to your dead wife and loser son!”

This scarred Noah, both physically and mentally. We see evidence of this in episodes where he reacts violently and explosively any time his son is hurt. He immediately blows up and threatens physical violence against the people who hurt his son. 

A part of that is parental protection, but imagine that someone beat the living crap out of you and those you love every day of your life. Once you’re free of that person it leaves a mark and a smoldering fear of seeing the people around you getting hurt. When it happens you get angry, at the people who hurt your loved one, and at yourself. You weren’t there to protect them, you were too late.

Noah blames himself whenever Stiles gets hurt. I believe, based on his childhood home life that Noah corresponds his son getting hurt with failure as a parent. And knowing where he comes from, that’s an extra sore subject for him.

We have basis of it in canon.

We can also see that Noah’s guilt tends to eat at him if he ever has to discipline Stiles or yell at him. As shown in the following scene.

I believe that the abuse Noah endured makes him a very scared individual especially when it comes to raising his son. He’s constantly afraid he’s turning into his father, his afraid of making the same mistakes. He’s afraid he’ll scar and traumatize his own as he was traumatized himself.

The fact that Noah is aware of what he’s doing, that he stops when asked is enough of an indication to tell us, the audience, that he isn’t his father. Once Stiles indicates he’s okay, or simply tells his father to stop, Noah stops immediately. He usually hugs his son or initiates a kind physical contact right after. 

He stops, he reflects, realizes his mistake, and tries to do better.

This is one way to break the cycle. Noah’s not perfect at it, we can see him struggle many times. He insults Stiles or his intelligence without meaning to, passing it off as a joke, he’s constantly working and is not around as much as he should be. And those are valid criticisms of this character.

But deep at his core Noah’s trying to break a cycle of physical and emotional abuse, he’s trying to be there for Stiles. Tells him to go to school, tries to keep an eye on Stiles and tries to talk to him whenever he has the chance to explore Stiles’s wellbeing and feelings.

This is a man who went through hell as a child, became a father, and decided to do better.

Noah is a character who effectively broke a viscous cycle and has a wonderful and strong relationship with his son as a result. It’s not without flaws and Noah’s not perfect. But he’s generally not abusive or an abuser. And that is a step in the right direction.

It also shows us, the audience, that no matter what home life you come from, you can arise above your own traumas and do better for the next generation.

-

Now Chris Argent is an interesting one. I already talked about Chris and trauma in my daddy’s little soldier meta.

Considering the type of person Gerard is, and how he treats several teenagers in the show. I believe Chris is also a victim of emotional, psychological, and physical abuse. We don’t know much about his home life with his mother, so that I can not speculate on.

What we do know is, Gerard has no qualms about hurting children and teenagers. He’s admitted that he would kill his own son if it meant he survived. He’s raised his own son to be a weapon and to compartmentalize his emotions. I shudder to think as to what methods Gerard must have used on Chris. But as we never see them, I can only speculate.

So how did Chris break his cycle of abuse?

By not raising Allison to be a hunter. For the first seventeen years of her life, Allison didn’t know the Supernatural existed. She was kept out of her father’s life until it was no longer possible. She was never raised as a soldier, she wasn’t raised to hide her feelings. If anything, her father encouraged her and nurtured her to the best of his abilities. Chris tried to be there for his daughter. 

He even moved her to France to get her away from their lives. He quit something he was raised to do and did it successfully, just to protect his daughter. He grew up to be everything his father wasn’t.

And while Chris, too, is not perfect at it, he does try and breaks the cycle.

He’s aware of their problems, addresses them, and tries to do better. He even extends this nurturing and protective side to Isaac later down the line. 

Chris, a victim of abuse, sees the signs of abuse in Isaac, and decides; this one, this one I will nurture and protect too. Which he eventually accomplishes by bringing him to France and away from the craziness that is Beacon Hills. (Would have been nice to get a good plot about Chris adopting Isaac, but well, that’s another rant.)

Chris, like Noah, shows that even if you were raised in the worst circumstances, by being aware of your trauma and how that affects others, you can break the cycle and come out on top.

-

And last but not least we have someone who went through an horrific event and possibly emotional abuse from his family, discovered he was a father, and then had to adjust.

I’m talking about Peter Hale.

Now Peter is not a morally good character in general. He has no qualms about killing people who get in his way. From what we know about his childhood Peter also had anger issues as a small child and often broke his toys. 

However, the reason why I’m stating that Peter was most likely emotionally abused (I think by his sister Talia) is because we know that Talia, would not believe Peter about the fire and the Argents and waved his concerns away without considering them. She manipulated multiple of his memories and frequently hid the truth from him. And we know that their relationship from before the fire was strained.

We also know that Peter does care about his family. He cared for Cora in the hospital and he does care about whether Derek lives or dies and tends to keep an eye out for his nephew. In later seasons we also see Peter caring about his only daughter Malia and even express fear for her wellbeing when they go up against the Anuk-Ite. 

His love for Malia is eventually what frees him from the Ghost Riders control and his wish for her to live is what motivates his decisions in Season 6 to try and keep her safe, and when he can’t keep her away from the fight, he joins her and tries to protect her.

Now I believe that the Peter we see in S1,2, 3 and S6B are the real Peter Hale. A traumatized man who believes his only way to stay alive is through manipulation and careful planning. But he does genuinely seem to care about a few people, Cora, Derek, and Malia.

In Season 1 Peter is still coming out of his traumatic event (being burned alive and then being in a coma) and he has to navigate a new world. He kills Laura (or so it is speculated) for her Alpha power and to heal himself. Because to Peter, he is the only one who can avenge his family and resolve the traumatic event he went through.

Revenge, of course, is generally not a good way to resolve trauma and the plan doesn’t work. His trauma is not resolved by killing Kate and he dies that night.

When Peter comes back practically powerless he has to navigate carefully and he does so through manipulating the people around him. To Peter, manipulation is the only way to stay alive and get ahead. This idea of his, had to come from somewhere.

This is where my theory of emotional abuse kicks in. Because if Peter was emotionally abused by his sister (for which there is evidence in canon), he most likely picked up his tactic of manipulation as a survival tactic.

Now out of the list. Peter is the only person who doesn’t fully rise above his past. The past still haunts him as he becomes a protector of Beacon Hills in S6B. But I firmly think that if we got to see more of Peter past this point, we would have seen a man starting his journey to recognizing his toxic traits and trying to do better by them. But that of course, is just speculation.

Peter’s story teaches us that the road to healing and becoming a better person isn’t always linear. It’s not a given that you’ll heal if you aren’t ready to accept it. Or if you’re so focused on getting revenge that healing is impossible, it’s also not going to work. And usually, trying to heal requires a positive presence in your life (Malia), a support system (Malia and the pack), and a willingness to recognize what you’re doing wrong and to better yourself moving forward.

Sources:

Breaking the Cycle of Child Abuse - Article written by a psychologist and peer reviewed by a psychiatrist

The cycles of violence - Article written for the WHO by the University of Birmingham

The Teen Wolf Wiki - for all information and episodes of these characters

Teen Wolf - MTV tv show that owns the characters.

[an-avid-reader]

The Hate U Give - Angie Thomas

my rating: 5/5 stars

On the night of a party gone wrong in Garden Heights, or “the hood”, Starr and her childhood best friend, Khalil, drive away only to be stopped by a white police officer. Khalil, unarmed, gets shot right in front of Starr’s eyes. Alas, Starr’s worlds—Garden Heights and Williamson, a predominantly white prep school—collide as word of Khalil’s death spreads and she is the only witness. Will Starr be able to bring justice to Khalil via riot and protests, or will he be remembered as a drug dealer and a thug?

"Funny how it works with white kids though. It's dope to be black until it's hard to be black"

Link to Goodreads || Spoiler-free review

A few things to check out:

Dear White People (Netflix)

When They See Us (Netflix)

Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race (Book)

A list of places to donate to / one YT video if you’re unable to donate 

Here’s a post that is much more comprehensive

let me know if any of the links don’t work, I will update them :)

There’s a reason why this book has quite a few awards on the front—this book covers what some may consider a “taboo” topic aka racism, but it’s an issue. I’m writing this review slightly earlier than before I’m posting it, but right now the current news is about George Floyd’s death, which is arguably more brutal than what happened in this book, but the fact that some police officers still think race has something to do with one’s intentions is outrageous and disgusting. Even in Canada, there have been instances of racism across history (spoiler: Canada isn’t a ‘saint nation’, even though the population is very diverse). 

For these reasons, I think this book, while it is triggering, I think it should be fit into the curriculum for students to read so that they may be educated on racism, and how it can literally kill others, as well as to try and dismantle the systematic racism that is imposed on us from a young age. I can never sit here and tell you that I can experience what Starr went through (or what any POC—black or otherwise—has ever been through), I can only educate myself and emphasize with what’s been said/done to you—please call me out if I’ve said something that may be offensive and feel free to correct me if I’ve said anything wrong.

Alright now on with the book review! This book is so raw and powerful, Thomas does a great job of describing the scenes and the emotions Starr goes through during each scene. We get to see how she feels about dating a white boy while being black herself, how her neighbourhood is beautiful despite it being described as the hood, we also get to see how Starr’s demeanor completely changes while she’s at school vs when she’s visiting her family. While Thomas’ writing may be simple, she does a great job of capturing those moments and the emotions tied within the scene.

As we get to see Starr becoming a witness and taking legal action, I wasn’t sure where the story was headed. Would Khalil get justice and would the cop go to jail? How would Starr’s mental health be affected? Will her family be okay? (Don’t you just love it when there’s so much more conflict in the story that needs to be resolved and yet there are only 2 chapters left) Etc. etc. The thing about The Hate U Give is that there are multiple story lines, which help to drive the story forwards. Those plotlines didn’t feel out of place or forced—everything seemed to progress at a reasonable pace. 

I feel like one of the key parts of this story are the characters and their dynamics to the story. The most obvious being between Starr and her family. Although Starr has her own secrets that she keeps from her dad (*cough cough* Chris *cough cough*), I feel like they still have a strong bond, especially as the story went on and her dad, Maverick, stood behind Starr, even when things went south. (I could also 100% relate to Starr bickering with her brothers—even her half-brother). Then there’s Chris, which I kinda feel weird about him...which I feel like it’s a spoiler so I’ll talk about it under the cut. Overall, I’m glad that while he doesn’t understand what Starr has been through, he doesn’t judge her—he listens to her story and he also stays by Starr’s side at all times. I appreciate that Thomas didn’t put too much focus on the romance, otherwise I think it would’ve detracted from the main message. Finally, there are Starr friends. Even though we only got to know Khalil for a bit at the beginning, I like that Starr’s friendship with him was sprinkled throughout the story, even if it was in subtle ways. You could tell that, while their friendship may have fallen apart, Starr really cared for him and he was at the forefront of her mind. We also get to see Maya and Haliey’s friendship with Starr...and I can’t talk much about that without spoilers :/ let’s just say...it was interesting…

While I can’t exactly relate to Starr on an emotional/traumatic/life experience level, I love that we are both Harry Potter fans and she runs a Tumblr (which idk why but I’m always taken aback when books have Tumblrs?? Yet here we are). I appreciate that she tries to see the best in people, until they prove her wrong (or give her a reason to not like them). I think Starr is a strong role model in the sense that she stands up for herself and is determined to get justice, although she’s not cocky about it. It’s quite the opposite, she doubts herself—I just remember that there were so many parts where she blamed herself for not recalling every single detail of the incident or not putting emphasis on the type of person Khalil was to avoid him getting stereotyped. Starr also questioned her relationship with Chris, albeit she seemed a bit naive at some points. Because of Starr’s strong personality and her core values, the message of The Hate U Give is so much stronger, hence why I feel like everyone should read this novel.

Finally, I learned a lot from this novel. Regardless of the fact that this is a fictional book, it is very much based on the realities of Black people and the hardships they must endure on a daily basis. To be honest, I feel so dumb for not even realizing that the title spells out THUG and runs parallel with Tupac’s meaning of THUG LIFE. Mind you, now when I look at the cover, it’s all I see. I also didn’t realize that Black kids and teens are taught how to act around the police—all to be avoided to get arrested, shot, or killed—which is frankly, messed up. Thomas also takes the time to address the names she used, intentionally to give another layer of the book, which I feel that it is based on reality. I can definitely see why this book has received so many awards—and if this book were implemented in schools, it would allow the discussion on racism to be opened and it would also allow kids to see that not all authors are white, old men (looking at you, Shakespeare, which tbh the only good play I read was Macbeth).

I wanted to thank you for reading my review; if you’ve read this book, I’d love to know your thoughts. Below the cut, I have a spoiler section that I wanted to include (which I might add in future reviews, idk though). 

Please stay safe and healthy,

~ Cassandra / an-avid-reader

THE REMAINDER OF THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS

Okay, I’m not going to lie, but I thought that no one knew about Chris; didn’t Starr mention within the first few chapters that she can’t introduce him to her family because she’s afraid of what they’ll say/judge her for dating a white boy? But then, it turns out it’s just her dad that doesn’t know about him??? Idk if my memory is really that bad or if it’s such a slim detail (maybe it actually is an inconsistency o.O). But anyways, I love how Maverick was just playing with him (and making it clear that Chris would be in big trouble if he hurt Starr). I’m also not sure if he has a fetish for Black women (which Starr also pointed that out)—which I don’t know how to feel about that. I know some people have a thing for people of colour (Asians are commonly a fetish too, for example) but then some guys also have a thing for super short girls? Um yeah. I’ll probably leave it at that.

I’m not sure if it was just me, but I deadass thought Seven was going to be a gangbanger. He was sooooo suspicious anytime King was mentioned (which I get King is with Seven’s biological mom, but still I can’t be the only one who was suspicious, right?). I have to give him props though for putting his sisters’ needs before his own and for also listening to Iesha’s point of view. This man doesn’t give on people easily, and that’s a nice change. 

The last thing I wanted to include in this spoiler section is Haliey. I just— wtf man. She perfectly embodies the issue and idk she gave me such Karen vibes. It’s so frustrating that she just accepted the newspaper’s article story at face value—I don’t even think she even took the time to listen to the other point of view. I’m so glad that Starr punched her in the face, even though that resulted in her getting in trouble. And it’s not even towards just Starr that she was racist! When Maya opened up about Haliey’s comments, I was pretty infuriated. I think Haliey’s comments came from a place of ignorance or a lack of education, but it just bothered me that she just brushed it off. Smh “it was just a joke” or “get over it” *rolls eyes* Just apologize, Haliey, and educate yourself, please. Actually, maybe she could take lessons from Mr. Warren, their english teacher because he was lowkey a G. I was pleased to see he was a teacher (who are often seen as role models) that actually gave a crap about Starr and what she was going through. I guess we just need to be more attentive to what people have to say and be more empathetic when they’re hurt.

[mrfunnybone]

Sans The Skeleton

An overview of Sans life, from childhood to elder years. 

“i was a lil’ shit.” — Clever boy with bright eyes.

Once a rambunctious child, Sans had always been a bit too clever for his own good and has often gotten himself in trouble as a result. His days were spent creating complex pranks to fill his time and sneaking around where he didn’t belong. He’s a surface born monster, born to a small village. Sans has both Skeleton and Nightwalker monster genetics and belongs to the Osteo family. His father, a doctor in human and monster biology, provided most of his early education.

He was still a boy when the war between monsters and humans ended, with monsters on the losing side. Sans father fled, without his sons, before the human soldiers could capture him. He most likely died along with other monsters who attempted an early escape. Sans, his baby brother Papyrus, and the other monsters were rounded up and led to what would become their prison. The brothers were largely raised by Mr. Muroidea, a Rat Monster who was the human equivalent of a clergy man. He passed away about 5 years after Monsterkind was imprisoned due to illness.  

By that time, Sans was old enough to accept full responsibility for himself and Papyrus, and continued raising him while completing his education underground. 

***

“are you aware that we’re making history?” — Dr. Osteo, Royal Assistant.

After completing his Underground Doctorate, Sans thesis on Quantum Mechanics, titled Interpreting Quantum Mechanics in Terms of Random Discontinuous Motion of Particles, earned him recognition in the scientific community. His previous externship for the Royal Laboratories led to numerous projects that garnered more attention toward his potential. Despite his relative youth and inexperience, Sans work and innovation earned him the position of Assistant to The Royal Scientist, Dr. Wingdings Gaster.

He was meant to eventually follow the Doctor in his footsteps as his protege. The duo known as Dr. Gaster and Dr. Osteo quickly became a team known for abolishing the impossible and making strides against insurmountable odds. Their professional relationship developed into a friendship over the years, bound by common goals and a relatable troubles.  

Their team and their friendship began to fall apart with the introduction of DETERMINATION, pulled from fallen humans who found themselves among Monsterkind’s prison-hold. The CORE, which provided power for all of the Underground, became an unstable force that even Undergrounds Royal Scientists couldn’t conquer. Desperate measures were taken. Dr. Gaster and Dr. Osteo began to disagree on which line should remain uncrossed, and in the end, such a line divided their scientific partnership indefinitely.

*** “our reports showed a massive anomaly in the timespace continuum. timelines jumping left and right, stopping and starting...until suddenly, everything ends.” — The Fall.

Dr. Gaster became wiped from time, space, and memory, creating a fractured timeline. This left random holes of missing information in its wake, including the identity of Gaster and those who worked alongside him.

Due to the circumstances in which it happened, Sans retained memories of the previous unfractured timeline. He tried to retrieve Dr. Gaster and the other team members from what he coined The Void, including attempts of bringing theoretical time travel to fruition, but never showed complete success. Sans has multiple theories on The Void, what it is, where it is, and how his lost teammates are able to maintain a semblance of cognitive reasoning within it.

Early in his research, Sans discovered the possibility of communication between their plane and The Void, but soon found that the communication held little value. While seemingly aware, the monsters ability to convey information clearly was deteriorated. Sans theorizes that their mental capabilities are not whole within The Void, strewn apart like unraveled yarn dolls, leaving them with little more than mad ramblings.

Some time after the timelines fragmentation, The Royal Laboratory found reports of anomalies in the timespace continuum. Sans continued to monitor these reports as he researched The Void under the impression that they could be related. Eventually, he was able to pinpoint that a single living anomaly was the cause of the timelines erratic behavior.

Sans at first theorized that the anomaly (Flowey) was simply unhappy, and would stop toying with timelines if they could find companionship. Once the timespace continuum was stabilized, he hoped to breech The Void and restore the original timeline. After countless attempts of befriending and reaching a “happy ending”, as Sans dubbed it, this theory proved false. The anomaly continued to Reset regardless of its emotional state until a new anomaly (The Human) came along and appeared to usurp its power.  

***

“i gave up trying to go back a long time ago.” — From Dr. Osteo to Mr. Funnybone.

With all efforts proven meaningless and all theories at a dead end, Sans essentially gave up trying to stop the Resets from occurring or extracting his teammates from The Void. He attempted to live a normal life despite what he knew. For a short time, he found escapism in comedy, dubbing himself “Mr. Funnybone” and taking comfort in the laughter of his fellow monsterkind. If they were going down, at least it would be after a good time.

The positive spin was difficult to maintain. Sans continued searching new methods of mental escape as old ways became numb. Eventually, however, every pleasure lost its luster and every comfort became dull. Occasionally he found himself drawn back to his lab and reports, but found no hidden answers among the dust.

Sans accepted existential nihilism as the only explanation for life and its absurdities. With this belief, he found it difficult to justify effort and goals, and spent some time unemployed while his savings dwindled away. He slept, he ate, he existed only by definition.

It was by push of his younger brother, Papyrus, that Sans bothered to take up another job. Sentry Duty is little more than booth babysitting, but the one tiny step sparked something in Sans that led to a reemergence of motivation. Long term goals were meaningless, he decided, but short term gratification could still have merit. He could still earn money to keep him and his brother in comfort. He could still partake in the simple pleasures of life, such as good food and good laughs.    

Sans is aware that the time-space continuum will only take so much, and eventually, the fractures will destroy everything. He tries to simply enjoy the time that he has with the people he cares about, and maybe, one day, an answer to the timelines instability will appear. In the meantime, he just tries to keep everything from ending permanently— because hey, a slim chance is better than none, right?

*** “that, my friend, is called the sun.” — Freedom.

The timelines will never be returned to their original state, but the fragments are filled and anomaly's power is no more. With time, Sans begins to adjust to consistent timeline once more, free of Resets and impending doom (for now.)

Eventually, Sans revisits his abandoned goal of opening The Void. After much effort, he is finally, finally successful. With this, the final piece of the timeline is restored. Dr. Gaster, thanks in part to his injection of DETERMINATION, is able to survive the process of returning to their plane. Their teammates are not so fortunate. They leave their entrapment, but do not survive beyond The Voids hold.

There is no immediate mend to the broken friendship of Dr. Gaster and the previous Dr. Osteo. There is no immediate shift from Sans nihilistic tendency. He is aware, far more than the average mind is perhaps aware, that life as we know it is fleeting. The Timeline Fracture was only one of many possible interruptions on what many believe is guaranteed life. There is, Sans knows, no guarantee of anything.

As a result of his exposure to fractured timelines and resets, Sans short-term memory is deteriorating. While he is in his 30′s, it is hardly noticeable and has no impact on his daily life. When he is an elder, he will suffer fractions of short and long-term memory loss.

In rare moments, he will forget that he is no longer Dr. Osteo, and that his laboratory has long since been boarded up. He will forget that he is no longer Mr. Funnybone with an audience to attend to. He is only Sans. Sans, the skeleton. He loves his little brother and a well made burger. He enjoys trading jokes with a former Queen. He takes the anomaly to school on Wednesdays.

While his memories may be fading, Sans does not suppose that it is such a sad thing to forget once and awhile. After all, he still has some good food, some bad laughs, and some nice friends.

[officialotakudome]

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Kingdom Hearts: Melody of Memory Review

Step up to the beat in the latest spinoff from the Kingdom Hearts series; Kingdom Hearts: Melody of Memory. Following the events of Kingdom Hearts III: REmind, the game has Kairi going into her own heart in an attempt to find Sora who supposedly sacrificed his life for hers at the end of the events in Kingdom Hearts III. Kairi now in a deep sleep must retrace her memories as she searches for Sora’s own heart.

Kingdom Hearts: Melody of Memory is a 2020 rhythm action game, it is developed by Square Enix Creative & Indieszero, it is published by Square Enix. It is currently available on Playstation 4, Nintendo Switch, and Xbox One.

Editor’s Note: Near complete to complete spoilers for Kingdom Hearts: Melody of Memory may be present within this review. Slight spoilers for Kingdom Hearts III and Kingdom Hearts III: REmind may also be present within this review.

Kingdom Hearts changes the tune of battle in Kingdom Hearts: Melody of Memory.

In what honestly only felt like natural progression, Kingdom Hearts finally has a rhythm game. The music featured in Kingdom Hearts has (pun intended) always been one of it’s most memorable elements. It sort of feels like this should have been done ages ago, but the same could be said with a Kingdom Hearts fighting game. Which coincidentally was the original plan for Dissidia Final Fantasy, yes it was initially meant to be a Kingdom Hearts spinoff, but Tetsuya Nomura felt uncomfortable seeing Disney characters legit fighting each other. Eventually, Nomura would be more comfortable exploring Kingdom Hearts into different genres and even gave a Dissidia inspired mode to Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days. And as many probably expected, it should come to no surprise that Kingdom Hearts as a rhythm is an almost effortless adaptation.

Play out the much beloved Kingdom Hearts OST in ‘Melody of Memory’.

THE GOOD: Taking place after REmind, Sora sacrifices his heart & thus his life for Kairi’s own revival having been killed by Xehanort prior to their victory over him. Kairi goes into a slumber Ansem the Wise who’s being aided by a few of the Nobodies that recovered their hearts at the end of Kingdom Hearts III. As she sleeps Kairi enters her own heart in order to investigate clues into finding Sora through memories of herself and Sora. There she encounters an illusion of Xehanort who nearly takes over her before she’s protected by the remnants of Sora’s heart proving he may still be alive somewhere. Kairi (being controlled by Sora) defeats Xehanort and as a reward the latter helps Kairi by reminding her of her childhood. Kairi awakens and tells Ansem about her findings and Xehanort’s “other side” clue. This is apparently a fictional world existing outside of their own reality according to Ansem. Kairi & Riku learn about a girl from Other Side who can currently be found in Final World, after Fairy Godmother takes them to the girl. Riku tells her of his dream of Shibuya who determines that it’s a city from her home world Quadratum. Riku opens a portal to Quadratum to continue the search for Sora as Kairi returns to their reality to finish her keyblade training now guided by Master Aqua. Yen Sin tasks Donald & Goofy to tell their friends of the current situation & Mickey to Scala ad Caelum to investigate the revived ancient Keyblade Masters & their possible connection to Quadratum.

For the first time in series history Kairi takes over as lead protagonist (sort of).

Kairi being the focus of the story is a nice change of past, feels like we’ve delved plenty into the individual stories of Sora, Riku, King Mickey, and the BBS crew. While she’s not exactly 100% playable (which is a bit of a ball buster) she’s clearly the main star of about 80% of the game’s plot. It’s mostly about her attempting to revive Sora, but we do get more backstory into her past which is always neat. I think Kairi is one of the weakest characters in terms of development despite her popularity and the fact that people have wanted to see her wield a keyblade for several years. A full on 2.8 like experience with Kairi training under Aqua would be a neat parallel to the actual 2.8 that featured a playable Aqua traversing the World of Darkness prior to the ending of Kingdom Hearts 1. The combat is like any other rhythm. The goal is to time the on-screen button commands within the limit to press said button command. In ‘Memory of Melody’ this is representing in the shape of basic & advanced Kingdom Hearts attack animations towards Heartless and Nobody enemies. The more difficult the command prompt, the more unique the attack. The main object is to reach a high enough score with level ranking increasing to move on to the next world. The leveling is actually required for the next world to be unlocked which at times can feel like a bit of a grind, but it also adds on to the practice necessary for these games. Sora and co. have a health bar and if you miss the timing on a button command this can lead to hp dipping with an empty health bar obviously meaning game over.

Rhythm combat is an unsurprising fit for Kingdom Hearts in Kingdom Hearts: Melody of Memory.

There are boss fights in certain stages which sort of changes things up a bit and they each include their own boss track. Disney characters also have their own worlds with their respective characters being playable, but these are expectedly not the focus of the game as it’s based within Kairi’s memories. Multiple characters throughout the core cast can be unlocked, though the Disney characters are mostly locked to their respective worlds. These worlds have unique sound and button commands for added difficulty and variety. King Mickey acts as a support character for healing and it also has summons. Clearing objectives per stage unlock new songs from the 140+ song catalog. There’s some co-op featured like getting the highest score, facing off against AI in three out of fives, and best 2 out of 3 that has unique features such as moves to stop your opponent from scoring. The Switch version (which is being reviewed) features a Battle Royale mode supporting up to eight players.

Believe or not ‘Memory of Melody’ features a leveling system.

THE BAD: This game is (depending on how you see it) surprisingly hard. Like crazy difficult small mistakes and poorly timed presses come frequently. This can lead to a hair pulling marathon of low level scores and low level scores means slow leveling & perhaps more importantly slower progress because you have to be a certain level for certain doors leading into new worlds. At the same time though you have to commend Square for keeping the rhythm game aesthetic authentic. These games have a history of being extremely difficult often taking a ton of practice to get the hang of (my time spent with Guitar Hero & Rocksmith still haunts me). The story is kind of sort only taking a few hours to complete depending on how much trouble you have, but it is a spinoff rhythm so don’t come in expecting a huge game because of that reason. Granted you’ll get more hours if you complete everything but if you’re only chasing the story it’s roughly about 8-10 hours. Apparently completing the game can take upwards of 60 hours depending one individual experience so there’s that to look forward. Unfortunately, outside of the initial theme and end credits no new songs specifically for the game were developed.

Play as multiple characters in the new musical based battlefield.OVERALL THOUGHTS: Kingdom Hearts: Memory of Melody in some ways is a typical Kingdom Hearts spinoff, but in a lot of ways Square Enix really went a fair bit of distance to provide a unique KH playthrough something that’s also typical of the spinoffs (which is a good thing). It’s disappointing that this is probably the only game, to my knowledge that doesn’t feature music exclusive at the time of release to it. However, it’s possible that an original score of sorts was in the works but COViID-19 got in the way before the finalization of these songs coming into production was possible. As it stands though, for what feels like a much lower budgeted title compared to past spinoffs ‘Melody of Memory’ stands on it’s own as a good side game with follow-up storytelling that connects to the future of the series. And it takes Kingdom Hearts’ into it’s rightful place in the realm of rhythm games. I’m especially impressed with the game’s performance as a series first on the Nintendo Switch. Hopefully this entices Square to at least port Kingdom Hearts 1.5, 2.5, and 2.8 over to the hybrid console in the very near future.

[starbudspresents]

DGM 231 - Panthaleia’s Translation Notes

Hello, dear friends and fellow fans! We return to the rubble of Tumblr you with DGM 231, the first chapter of this new year. Thanks for sticking with us!

Please see below the cut for my translation notes and reactions, as per usual. If you have any questions, do feel free to come say hi on Discord at Panthaleia#9705. :3

The Novel I'm Not Writing About DGM & Buddhism

Oooooookay, first things first! The four bubbles across Allen's collar on the cover page say 生々流転 seiseiruten. When spelled 生生流転 (homophonous), it simply means "ever-changing," but when spelled the way it is here (fantastic catch, thank you so much @togaochi​ ♥), it's defined as "all things being in flux through the endless circle of birth, death, and rebirth; the circle of transmigration​."

That concept is much more succinctly described by the Sanskrit term saṃsāra. Now, to preclude confusion: yes, if you look up "samsara" in a Japanese dictionary, you'll get 輪廻 rin'ne rather than this. That said, this term is if anything more specific and descriptive than that one. See also 生死輪廻 seishirin'ne, which has the exact same definition as seiseiruten; think "cell" vs. “cellular phone” vs "mobile telephone." All words for the same thing, with varying degrees of descriptiveness. 

The concept of samsara shows up in several religions (notably Buddhism, Hindu, and Jainism). The one most relevant to DGM by far is Buddhism, and this is far from the first time I've run into it in search of answers.

Crash course on some Buddhist jargon for those of you who aren't familiar:

The word samsara, meaning "continuous flow," describes the beginningless and potentially endless cycle of life and existence, through birth and living and death to re-birth and so on. It could also easily be pictured as a helix, if you'd prefer, and that could in fact make some of DGM a little easier to understand.

(If I may take a moment to get super self-indulgent here: a very related philosophical concept is panta rhei, "everything flows", which is what my "panthaleia" handle is mostly based on. This chapter very nearly literally has my name written on it. IT'S A SIGN. Of.... something. Not sure what, exactly, but IT'S A SIGN.)

Every living thing is trapped within this cycle by its attachments and its ignorance of the truth, which causes great suffering and generates karma, which then affects the shape of one's next life. (Yes, Alma's second name is that for a reason.)

There are a number of branching denominations of Buddhism, much as there are of Christianity, and while they mostly share certain core tenets such as the Eightfold Path, they vary widely in ideals and practice. The influences I see on DGM mostly come from a Japanese variant called Shingon ("True Words") and its predecessors: Shingon is a descendant of Tibetan Vajrayana, which is in turn sometimes considered to be part of the broader East Asian Mahayana umbrella.  

I've talked a little bit about Shingon before, because all the chanted spells used throughout the series follow the pattern of Shingon mantras and Kanda's tattoo is written in Siddhaṃ (theorized to be the predecessor of both modern kana systems, by the way).

Shingon shares its overarching goal with its predecessors: rather than seeking to break the cycle just for one's own self and achieve individual escape from suffering (as in Theravada, for example), one should seek to become an enlightened being — a bodhisattva — and willingly continue to subject oneself to the cycle in order to help those who are struggling and thereby bring the whole world closer to moksha ("liberation") and subsequent/synonymous nirvana one step at a time.

Obviously, reincarnation and transmigration play a massive role in DGM. Let me list just a few of the ways in which this particular concept is a running theme throughout the story:

The Noah fragments being reincarnated into new bodies without also reincarnating the human souls they previously coexisted with;

The Earl's victims having their souls transmigrated in the bodies of their loved ones to rebirth them as Akuma;

The Third Exorcists, also transmigrated into new bodies to bring them back (Helix magic in general, really, including the Atuuda);

Nea's transmigration into Allen (not a rebirth, but an avoidance of death while waiting for a chance at rebirth), as well as Allen's regression to childhood via de-aging and memory loss;

The original Earl (Adam in my theories, fyi, in case I reference that later) deliberately rebirthing himself in smaller pieces for goals as yet unknown;

The Bookmen keeping records of each iteration of the repeating narrative, ever-changing but eternal themselves;

Even fukkin Komlin, lmao, constantly destroyed and improved and remade.

So many others? Soooo many others.

The eureka moment (for me): this chapter is subtitled "Curtain Rise," as in the beginning of a stage play when the curtain goes up. If you'll think all the way back to the very first chapters of the series, you may remember that the Earl's Scenario is meant to bring about curtain fall... on humanity.

Looking at that in the context of samsara, that whole thing suddenly looks very different. Our heroes assumed that the Earl's victory would result in the destruction of the world, the destruction of humanity, but I've never bought that idea from the very start. When the curtains finally close on samsara, the cycle of death and rebirth, humanity will not be "dead" in the tragic sense, but free. Nirvana =/= death. Nirvana is the peace of being one with all, knowing all, loving and being loved by all without the need for suffering. It isn't "heaven" in the Christian sense, but it is an end to suffering, without also being an end to existence.

Tragedy and suffering are the consequences of remaining bound to the cycle. Directly using the energy of them in order to break the cycle creating them, as the Earl claims to be doing with the Akuma, is a very very Vajrayana idea, and fits seamlessly into my existing suppositions as to what the Earl is doing and why. Here, have a relevant quote:

Negative mental factors such as desire, hatred, greed, pride are not rejected as in non-Tantric Buddhism, but are used as part of the path. As noted by French Indologist Madeleine Biardeau, tantric doctrine is "an attempt to place kama, desire, in every meaning of the word, in the service of liberation."

 And another, from the Hevajra tantra:

Those things by which evil men are bound, others turn into means and gain thereby release from the bonds of existence. By passion the world is bound, by passion too it is released.

One more, same source:

One knowing the nature of poison may dispel poison with poison.

Bluntly put, I think the (original) Earl was an enlightened soul — a bodhisattva — who voluntarily returned to the cycle via deliberate rebirth into multiple ignorant beings in order to help heal the struggling world of its suffering via bringing about enlightenment viiiaaaa SUFFERING HARDER. Good Plan™?

Here are a few more related meta posts from a few years ago, just so I can find them again when I inevitably decide to delve deeper into this:

Helix magic will be the key to the plot

It's all happened before

Destroyer of Time

2.) I'm so delighted to see Mana as he was when Allen knew him before, genteel and whimsical and delighted with Allen's existence. It's easy to understand why Allen would become so attached to him.

3.) Raws for the "Therefore I write many of them, as if God can see me doing so. / As if He might find me" lines: こうして神さまに見えるように沢山書くんです　／　見つけてもらえるように  These don’t sit well with me, so I’ll probably change them in the future. The gist is that he’s drawing them in order to draw God’s attention to him.

Raws for "Here I am": 私はここにいる。@togaochi and I concur that he uses watashi here instead of his own preferred boku because he's teaching it to Allen, and means it as a more general "I."

Anyway: hooooo boy, here's some more evidence for the Two Gods theory. And how!

It seems pretty safe to assume he's not calling out to the Order's God, since that god would pretty happily wipe him off the face of the earth. The Noah have called that god "false," though, and expressed their intent and desire to kill it, while still referring to a "God" entity of their own whom they regard as being on their side (or perhaps, they're on its side).

Mana calling out to the Noah god to come find him, without remembering why he wants that, is very interesting. I wonder if and how anyone answered him.

4.) I have a strong hunch that Mana's "secret alphabet" is also related to Siddhaṃ, but that language is written in such a complex way that it's actually impossible for me to be sure without just... learning it. Which! To be clear! I fucking well might. WATCH ME.

5.) This entire scene is so much to me. How furious they both are that the other won't just let themselves be saved/protected. Allen wanted to leave Kanda behind so he and the others would be safe from everything that's hunting him. Kanda wants Allen to stay put so they can save him from what he can't fight alone. All that rage and frustration, because they care.

Quick note: in the first draft we initially posted on Imgur via our Discord server, I had the subject wrong for one of Kanda's lines here, which I caught and fixed. Sorry for any confusion that may have caused!

5.5) ETA: Forgot to mention that I’m fairly sure the beautiful Grecian-style temple they’re hanging out in is referenced from St. Bernard’s Well, again in Edinburgh. Excuse me, “Edinston.”

Thanks to an enterprising anon, we have a much better match for that structure: the Dugald Stewart Monument! 

6.) "maybe I'll go sucker-hunting" CARD SHARK ALLEN LIIIIIVES, where's Tyki when you need him (to lose his shirt again)

7.) fjkldjlkagd the turnaround where Allen finally cracks and is like "fine!! you want in?? IN YOU GET. no take-backsies! happy now???" and Kanda's like "yep, here I am" and neither of them have ANY IDEA how to deal with ANY OF IT. Kanda struggling to pull Allen's story out of him without throwing up his hands and quitting. Allen baffled and twice as guarded as before, put off by Kanda's uncharacteristic interest.

So beautiful, it brings a tear to my eye. (Actually, many tears. So... so many tears.)

8.) That apology, which I never thought I'd get, for Allen having seen what Kanda would never have consented to show him. It wasn't his fault, and they both know that, but the fact still remains that it was a violation, and I've always always wished for that to be addressed somehow and HERE IT IS. RIGHT HERE.

I want to tattoo that look on Kanda's face onto my brain.

9.) And then they're FUCKING INTERRUPTED, AGAIN

But Allen's "ask me again when we're done dealing with this" was such a promise of trust that I can't even be that mad, augh.

Onward to the bitter end, I guess!! Haha!!!! · ͜͜  · - 

Thank you all so much for reading and following along! I’d like to tip my hat to Kougeki Scans, who love this series too and are helping us spoil the fandom rotten. :P  Again, if you have any questions or comments, feel free to either find us on Discord HERE, find me on Discord at Panthaleia#9705, or use the comment box on MangaDex! I’m always happy to geek out with fellow fans. <3

[chemicalmagecraft]

I Would Totally Kick Jiraiya’s Butt Chapter 1

A/N: So this has a funny story behind it. I've been binge watching all of Naruto Shippuden recently and around the time when I got to the part where (spoiler alert) Jiraiya died, my English teacher had us answer a question that was something along the lines of "If you could live in a fictional universe, which would it be?" So, naturally, due to a combination of the revelations about Jiraiya lowering my already low opinion of him and someone making me think about self-insert fanfics, I decided to write this. Hopefully, I don't fail horribly like a lot of SI fics. Still, I would very much appreciate any feedback so as not to end up with a horrible SI sue fic. That being said, story me is going to train a lot because real life me has no life so why would story me.

TL;DR: I hate Jiraiya.

P.S. I was originally going to call this fic I Would Totally Kick Jiraiya's Ass, but apparently that's against rules...

kukukuku~

The village was devastated. So many of the buildings were smashed, and so many people had lost their lives to the Kyubi. Entire squads of ninja were needed to sift through the wreckage for any survivors. It is with two of these ninja that our story starts. "This destruction..." one ninja said. "It's unreal... How could this happen?"

"The nine-tailed demon fox," the other ninja replied brusquely. "That damned fox killed people by stepping on them. What else would happen when it went on a rampage? Now come on, we need to clear this whole sector in an hour."

"Do you hear that?" the first ninja asked. The second ninja stopped talking and listened for a bit.

"Is that... a baby crying?" he said. They both hurried to where the sound seemed to be coming from. A ray of light pierced the clouds to fall down on a blanket on top of a large piece of rubble. One of the ninja lifted up the blanket to reveal... a log. The other ninja rolled his eyes and picked up the baby lying on another piece of rubble. The child, a boy, couldn't have been more than a few months old. He had a thick head of brown hair and dark marks under his eyes. The ninja rocked the baby, and he stopped crying. He opened his hazel eyes and cooed at the sight of the man. "Found the baby. Let's take him to the other survivors. Hopefully one of the survivors is looking for him."

"And if not?"

"Then the kid's going to be in for a rough childhood."

"Well just in case, let's give him a name."

"Kouki." (Koh-key. Has kanji for either light or happiness and either light or hope)

"Why?"

"If he needs the name, then he's gonna need what it means more."

kukukuku~

I plopped down on my bed and groaned. One moment I was writing the assignment thinking about how I would totally beat up Jiraiya if I was in Naruto and in the next three years had passed and I was a small child in a Konohagakure orphanage. I immediately recognized this as the start of a self-insert fanfiction because I know myself. 

"Really, Me?" I asked. "You just had to write an SI." If I'm going to be doing this, I'm sooo going to fourth-wall break. "You'd better give me a good reason for knowing the future so I don't get thrown in an insane asylum." I paused. "Does Konoha even have insane asylums? Thinking about it, they don't really seem to have any form of psychological therapy, what with how nobody helped any of the various orphans in Naruto. Or Hinata, for that matter. Where was I again? Oh, right! I could also use a way to refresh myself on the timing of things, Me." I licked my lips. "Well," I said, "seems that habit followed me here. I should probably cut down on it or people might think I'm the secret child of Orochimaru and... I don't know, Tsuyu Asui?" 

I thought about that for a moment and groaned again. "Thanks for that mental image, brain. That was almost as bad as that one horrible dream I had where Naruto and Jiraiya were..." I trailed off, screamed, stood up, and walked to the nearest wall, which I immediately started banging my head on. As I did that, an older orphan came in the room.

"What are you doing?" he asked me.

"Punishing my brain," I stopped to answer.

"Why?"

"Because it needs to be punished."

"O...kay... just... don't hurt yourself?" He walked away, muttering, "Weirdo."

Once I decided that my brain had been punished enough (I took the headache as a sign of surrender), I plopped back down on my bed. "What now?" I said to myself. A leaf drifted through an open window and landed on my forehead. It was at this moment that I realized that I somehow knew how to mold and use chakra to some degree as if it was instinctual. "Plus ultra, I guess." I started channeling chakra into the leaf on my forehead, hoping that I was doing the chakra exercise right.

kukukuku~

I collapsed, water splashing slightly as I fell on its surface. It had been a little over a month and my complete and utter lack of a life had served me well in my quest for power. I'd managed to slip off to a secluded area of woods with a lazy and shallow river where I'd spent a great deal of time mercilessly training myself in the ways of sticking leaves to myself, only stopping for a rest and snack break when I started to get tired. At first, I couldn't do too much because, as a child of a little over three years, my chakra reserves were limited (though I think that my reserves were also higher than they should have been due to me having the mental energy of a teenager). Of course, practice makes perfect, so I soon found myself able to use more chakra at once. Once I could hold multiple leaves on multiple parts of my body simultaneously for a few seconds, I upgraded to tree climbing. While I didn't have any kunai to mark my progress, I'd figured out how to channel chakra through my fingernails to leave small scratches in the bark without harming my nails, which I ended up calling Cat Claws Jutsu. Once I was able to walk up trees like I was walking on the ground and also stick leaves to myself while doing it, I took a day for rest (chakra exhaustion sucks) and then started on water walking. 

That... that involved much more getting wet than I'd like to admit... Eventually, however, I'd managed to get water walking down pat and included leaves in it as well, which is what I had just finished at that point. I got up, figuring that laying down on the water is probably a bad idea, and got to solid ground before plopping down on the grass. As I did, the leaves that had been clinging to my skin fell off. I pulled out the apple I'd brought as a snack. Mmm, fuji apples. When I was done devouring the fruit, I licked my lips, wrapped the core in the napkin I'd stored it in, and lay there for a bit. I breathed in the nice, Springy air. So far as I knew, the Land of Fire was constantly warm, which is how it got its name. I certainly wasn't complaining; I like it hot. Once I'd caught my breath and had time to rest, I picked up one of the leaves I'd been using for training. "Time for some advanced training," I said. I sandwiched the leaf between my palms, closed my eyes, and focused. "Two fronts grinding against each other," I thought. Snip. I opened my hands, revealing that the leaf had developed a small cut on it, as if someone had cut it with a pair of scissors. "It's a start," I said.

kukukuku~

When I started with wind chakra, I decided to start doing light exercise not related to chakra. I didn't want to do too much because I had once heard something about lifting weights as a child stunting growth or something. It probably wasn't as big of a problem in a world where Rock friggin Lee can exist, but I still wanted to be careful. I just did some light jogging (while collecting and attempting to cut leaves), sit-ups (while attempting to cut leaves), and push-ups (fun fact: it is very hard to cut leaves with wind chakra while doing push-ups, but not impossible). It was on a jog around the playground near the orphanage that everyone played in that I saw him. A blonde boy with markings on his cheeks sitting alone by a tree. All of the other kids were ignoring him. 

I distantly remembered a time when one of the adults from the orphanage took us all aside and told us that he was a demon and we shouldn't play with him. It was before my past life memories came in... or however that worked... but now it made it all the more real what Naruto went through. I was already going to try to befriend Naruto, but now I really wanted to do something. I walked over to the other side of the tree Naruto was sitting at and looked around to see if anyone was looking. When I saw that nobody was, I muttered "Cat Claws Jutsu" and started using my claws to get a good grip on the tree. I could have just used the regular tree walking, but I was trying to be discreet so as to not have people asking why I knew ninja techniques. I did, however, use the tree walking to grip with my feet. Once I was situated on a branch above Naruto, I looked around to see if anyone was looking. It seemed not. Apparently, tree-climbing in a ninja village full of trees that was founded by a tree-man is a very uninteresting sight. Who knew? I licked my lips, took a deep breath, and said, "Hi, there," to him. When he looked up, I gave a small but friendly smile and waved. "My name's Kouki, what's yours?" I mean, I already knew his name, but it's not like I could tell him that.

He sniffed and said "Naruto." I noticed that his eyes were all red (not Kyuubi red, irritated red) and puffy. "Why are you here?"

I jumped down, using a light burst of wind chakra to cushion my fall, and said, "Everybody avoids you, so I felt like you might want somebody to play with." I sat down next to him. "People avoid me, too. I think it's because I don't talk to people much, look like I'm really bored most of the time, and have really freaky eye markings." For whatever reason, I had black markings with a white dot under and offset to the outer side of each eye, which in real life was just permanent dark shadows under my eyes and... what were they, freckles? Beauty marks? I had dot markings under each eye. I guess author me's basis for that was the fact that several people in Naruto had what appeared to be biological, and in some cases hereditary, markings not directly related to being the prison for a demonic monster. For example, the Inuzuka, the Akimichi, Jiraiyass, Orochimaru, and the second and third Hokage. "I'm fine with being alone, but I had a feeling you aren't. Wanna be friends?"

He gasped, then gave me a bright smile. His eyes began to water and he gave me a hug. I patted him on the back and just let him hug it out. When he was done, he asked, "What do friends do?"

"I... don't know. I guess maybe I show you something cool?"

"Like what?" I pulled a leaf from my pocket and cut it in half. He gasped. "Cool! How'd you do that?"

"When I grow up, I wanna be a ninja. I managed to find out how to do some stuff with chakra. That's apparently an advanced technique that grants you wind powers."

He looked confused at that. "How does cutting a leaf give you wind powers?"

"It's more like it's the easiest use of wind chakra or something. Doing it lets you practice wind chakra so you can do more advanced stuff."

He beamed at me. "Can you teach me?"

I smiled and said, "There were a lot of steps involved in learning how to do it. I had to do a bunch of other special exercises before I could do it." He pouted. "Buuut, if you do exactly what I tell you and don't question it, I can teach you some cool stuff." He nodded vigorously.

"I'm gonna be Hokage someday! Knowing how to use chakra stuff would be great!" I smiled. The was no doubt in his words. It was as if he already knew he would be Hokage, and the world just had to catch up.

I bowed. "Very well, then, Hokage-sama. Let the training montage begin."

kukukuku~

"Whoa!" Naruto said. He was staring at the small tree that I had just felled with a few quick swipes.

"That's what I can teach you," I said with a smug grin as I put my hands in my pockets. "Before that, though, I have some rules that I have for you. First, I don't think that non-ninja are supposed to use jutsu in public, so please don't do stuff like this until you're in the academy at least. Second, even when you do use chakra, please be careful with it." I kicked the tree that I'd just killed. "You can do some serious damage. Third, if you start to feel tired, stop using your chakra unless you absolutely have to. It's a combination of mental and physical energy, meaning it uses your life force. You do the math. Got that?" He nodded eagerly. "Good. Now, for your first task," I picked a leaf off of the tree and gave it to him, "use chakra to stick this leaf to your body."

Naruto groaned. "That's so boring!"

I narrowed my eyes and said, "I told you to do exactly what I say. This is a chakra exercise. It lets you practice in the use of chakra. It's just the first step in what I have to teach you." I walked up a nearby tree. "Get good enough with it and I get to teach you the next trick." I looked at him expectantly. He stared at the leaf, then placed it on the palm of his hand. He then channeled enough chakra into it that it started glowing blue slightly. He flipped his palm over so that the leaf should've fallen over, but it didn't. I dropped to the ground and inspected the leaf. It was a little unsteady, but holding. I guess he was having an easier time controlling his chakra because he hadn't yet developed stupid amounts of it. "Rein it in slightly. Other than that, it seems fine. I'm going to do my stuff. Once you think you're good with one, add another. Do that until I say you're ready."

kukukuku~

"You're ready," I told him with a laugh a few days later. His arms were covered in leaves. "Take a little break and I'll teach you the next step."

kukukuku~

It continued like that for a while. I don't know how long it lasted for, but by the time Naruto started with leaf cutting, I saw... was he the Raikage? The one guy who Hiashi Hyuuga called the head ninja of Kumogakure when he was talking about the incident with Hinata's kidnapping. I saw that jerk walking down the streets. I managed to find out from a nearby villager that it was December 27th, Hinata's birthday, and he was going to sign the peace treaty with Konoha. I decided that I would help stop the incident in whatever way I could, seeing as that was pretty much where everything started to go wrong in Hinata's life and I could hopefully stop it. I was thinking about how I could sneak my way into the Hyuuga compound when I got a splitting headache and a tingly feeling in my eyeballs. When I opened my eyes, I could see... myself sneaking into the compound and finding the Raikage in Hinata's room. It was like that one hint stone in Skyward Sword, where you could see a cutscene of what you had to do, except really trippy because it was in real life. I looked in the general direction of the fourth wall and said, "Well that's a deus ex machina and a half, Me. Thanks, I'll make good use of the intel." 

I quickly found Naruto, told him that I had to do something and that he should continue with the leaf-cutting practice until I got back. He was making decent progress with it. His leaves were already cut almost halfway through. I then began with the path that I'd seen. When I finally managed to sneak in, it was already dark. I went to the spot on the fence I'd seen myself brooding in the vision when I saw the enemy in my vision. Thankfully, I was just in time to see the man dressed in all black sneak up to Hinata's room. I licked my lips as I thought for a second about what I could do, but quickly decided with a silent "Screw it." "HYUUGA HIASHI!" I screamed. "A MASKED MAN IS TRYING TO KIDNAP YOUR DAUGHTER! MAKE SURE TO CAPTURE HIM ALIVE, THOUGH, OR HIS VILLAGE WILL DEMAND YOUR HEAD OR START A WAR!"

"WHAT!?" a man who I assume was Hiashi screamed.

"I SAID THAT A MAN IS TRYING TO KIDNAP YOUR DAUGHTER! PROBABLY FOR HER EYES! AND IF YOU KILL HIM HIS VILLAGE WILL DEMAND YOUR CORPSE FOR YOUR EYES! PLEASE HURRY! I'M PRETTY SURE HE'S ABOUT TO KILL ME FOR RUINING HIS PLANS AND I DON'T FEEL LIKE DYING SO SOON!" As I was shouting at him, the masked man came out and started making a few hand seals. I jumped off of the fence and made a single seal of my own (dragon seal, the only one I knew enough to use) and started molding wind chakra.

"Lightning Release: Lightning Shot!" He shot a bolt of lightning chakra out of his hand at me.

"Wind Release: Mini Air Slashes!" I countered by making small slashing motions with my index fingers. Small blades of air spawned from my fingers and rammed straight into the lightning. After most of the slashes dissipated while expending some of the lightning, the remaining one cut straight through the weakened jutsu and cut slightly into his chest. I breathed a sigh of relief and licked my lips. That wouldn't have worked if he hadn't underestimated me, though to be fair not many small children can make air slashes, whatever the size. I dashed in close to him and activated my other wind jutsu. "Wind Release: Dragon Claws." Before I could attack him, I saw him punch me in the chest, but... he hadn't punched me yet. His fist came at me and I ducked away from it. As I dodged I swiped at his leg, hoping that I could distract him if I made enough cuts. What really happened... it was both better and worse than I was hoping for...

Squelch. "GYAAAAH!" the man screamed as blood spouted everywhere. I stopped in my tracks. Even in the dim light, I definitely saw his leg fall off.

"What?" I turned around to see several Hyuuga ninja staring at me. I made to answer but was suddenly overtaken by a wave of fatigue and dizziness. Chakra exhaustion. "How did you get here? How did you do that?" The ninja in the lead, Hiashi, asked me.

I just barely managed to grin and say, "I don't suppose you'd believe me if I said I could see the future?" before my eyes rolled back in my head and I passed out.

I guess the first chapter ends with a cliffhanger...

kukukuku~

A/N: Yeah... sorry for not doing another episode of Gamer Hero Deku next, but inspiration can be annoyingly fickle at times and I actually really enjoy the direction that this is eventually going to go in, so yeah... Also, sorry to those who SI isn't their cup of tea. I personally like fanfics where people know future events in some way and use that knowledge to mess around with canon, though. As you could probably see, though, Kouki isn't your average boy. Beyond the SI, anyways. See ya next time!

[megpie71]

Why I don’t ship Clerith

(Because what the hell, I may as well get this out here before the fun and games start next year, and I have to fight off Clerith shippers with a bat)

I think I've worked out the problem I have with Cloud/Aerith shipping, as far as I'm concerned.

[Clarification: this is why I have trouble with it, and won't write it.  I'm not saying other people can't, just that I do have issues with it, and therefore don't particularly like reading it, and I've sort of worked out why.]

Now, there are two predominant "schools" of people who ship Cloud with Aerith.  One of those is what I'd call OT3/OT4 fandom, where firstly, the relationship is happening prior to the Nibelheim event, and generally there's at least Zack mixed in to the bundle (sometimes with the addition of Sephiroth, to make the OT4), and it's generally a bisexual threesome at least.  And yeah, that one I find vaguely believable.

[Could all the anti-shippers who just leapt to their feet shrieking "paedophillia!" because Cloud is canonically somewhere between 14 and 16 in this 'ship, kindly sit the fuck back down again?  Cloud Strife may only be 14 years old, but he is a functional adult in his society, taking on an adult role (member of the army of the One World Government).  He would greatly resent any implication he is a "child", because he gave up being a "child" when he left Nibelheim to join the army.  Also, in the OT3 version, Aerith is about 15 - 17 years old, Zack is between 16 and 18 years old.  None of them are "adults" as we'd define it in Western Eurocentric cultures, but all of them are "adults" according to their own cultural system that they grew up in.  As such, they think of themselves as being adults, they consider themselves to be adults, and given they're performing adult roles for at least two years by the time the Nibelheim event comes along, they're not going to step back into childhood again, either.  If you're going to bitch about this, then start by bitching at the original writers working for Square Enix well before you start bitching at fanwriters, okay?

This is also leaving aside the cheerful fact that "adulthood" norms are generally socially and culturally determined.  So, for example, my maternal grandmother became a functional "adult" at the age of 14, when she came out on a boat from England to Australia in order to find work (accompanied by her 16 year old sister); my mother became a functional "adult" at the age of 16, when she finished her third year of high school and started working; and I became a functional "adult" at the age of 18, when I reached the legal age to vote and drink, even though I didn't have a full-time job and I was still living with my parents at the time.  My paternal grandfather joined the British army at the age of 12 (as a drummer boy, toward the end of World War 1).  What counts as "adult" is culturally and socially determined, and never a fixed point of reference.]

I can find it very believable that Cloud would get involved in a relationship with two people who are roughly around his own age, and that it would be a Good Thing in his life at the time.  He's going through puberty, he's behaving as an adult in his society, he would be doing adult things, including sex and possibly alcohol (although my head-canon is that Cloud is incredibly disappointed with Midgarian beer the first time he tries it, and refers to it as "sex in a canoe" ever after - fucking close to water.  He grew up drinking applejack and brandywine as antifreeze since shortly after he could first toddle).  

The other "school" of people who ship Cloud and Aerith tend to place the potential relationship during the canon time period of the original game, starting not long after Cloud rescues Aerith from the Turks in the church.  Now, I have a lot of problems with that one.

Firstly, I doubt Aerith would really be interested in a relationship.  It's made reasonably clear at the end of Crisis Core (and in "The Last Order" OVA) that Aerith knows when Zack was killed - she feels his spirit rejoin the Lifestream because she is who and what she is.  So her first serious boyfriend has died, she knows he's died, and you can't kid me she wouldn't be grieving as a result.  So I don't think Aerith is in the right emotional place to be starting a relationship.

As for Cloud... oh gods.  No.  Hell no.  So much no.  

Cloud is, at the point where he meets Aerith, a psychological mess beyond belief.  He has been incredibly traumatised, first by multiple years of experimentation, then by prolonged mako poisoning, and then finally, just as he's starting to come out of that, by seeing his best (only?) friend destroyed in front of him by pretty much the whole damn Shinra army.  Zack dies in his arms, and the best interpretation of what happens next is Cloud's mind, overwhelmed by the emotional and sensory overload of dealing with this (because he's not just waking up from mako poisoning, he's waking up from mako poisoning with Sephiroth-level SOLDIER enhancement, which means his sensory matrix has been boosted sight out of mind as well) basically shuts down completely on a conscious level, and wipes the memory, adding traumatic amnesia to the whole mix.  When he re-awakens, he re-patterns himself on a combination of Zack's memory, what he remembers of Sephiroth, and what he thinks a First Class SOLDIER should be like.

Now, mix in that Cloud Strife is carrying around the Buster Sword the first time Aerith meets him, in the plaza in sector eight, just after Reactor One has exploded.  Aerith knows what the Buster Sword is, she knows what it meant to Zack and she knew why it meant that.  So seeing it on someone else's back is probably a very nasty reminder to her that Zack isn't coming back.  She doesn't know why Cloud is wearing it, and I doubt in the shock of the moment (let's not forget: massive explosion about five to ten minutes previously, people running around the square like headless chickens the whole time, she's probably not really thinking all that clearly to begin with, and given Mako is also the Lifestream, she's probably felt a profound disturbance in the localised lifestream flows thanks to the destruction of the mako reactor, which may well have knocked her sideways as well!) she's really able to do much more than recognise it, feel the shock of the recognition, and move on to the next part of the interaction.

The second time Cloud and Aerith meet (and if you're familiar with Crisis Core canon, the second time someone drops through the roof of the Church down onto her flowerbed - if not, go look up who the first example was) she's a bit more capable of sustained thought past the shock.  So she sees it's the same guy with the Buster Sword, and this time, she's determined he isn't going to vanish on her, because there's something hinky going on here.  It gets even weirder for her when you consider Cloud is channelling a lot of Zack's mannerisms in order to be able to get through the encounter himself (I have a strong suspicion Cloud is dissociating continuously throughout at least the first five "days" of the game).  So she "hires" this strange guy as her "bodyguard", gets him away from the Turks who appear to have turned up to collect him (and really, it's much more likely at first approximation that the Turks and troopers are there to collect Cloud, given the ambush President Shinra staged at Reactor Four), takes him home with her, and deliberately makes sure she's able to keep an eye on him by following him back to Sector Seven.  Or at least, that's the plan.

I really don't think Cloud would be an attractive partner for Aerith at that point - not with her grief still fresh in her mind, and with his uncanny behavioural resemblance to Zack.  I think Cloud would be much more likely to creep her the fuck out, rather than turn her on sexually.  And as for Cloud, my head-canon for him is he probably isn't even masturbating at this point in his life - his mind is basically about fifty-seven different types of trauma all shaken up into a constant waking nightmare.  He might have a few wet dreams when the physical pressure gets too great, but he's not even thinking of himself as a sexual being at this point, and certainly not in a space where he'd be interested in an actual relationship.  The flirting is mechanical (and probably comes across as same, too) and I really don't think he would have been physically capable of following through, so to speak.  (Cloud, to my mind, won't be ready for a relationship until about two or three years down the line after the end of Advent Children, if then).

So no, I don't think it's possible for Cloud and Aerith to be involved in a relationship at that point.  Not even if they'd been involved in one prior to the Nibelheim event.  (Actually, in that particular case it would be even more traumatic for both of them - Aerith knows Cloud, but can't tell him because it would hurt him more than he can handle; he's constantly dissociating and suffering from traumatic amnesia, and he's only just got out of a state of complete catatonia - learning the truth in such a fashion would just knock him straight back there, and they need him upright and functioning.  Plus it's physically safer for him if he learns the truth of the matter slowly - if he went catatonic... well, that could very well dump him right back into Hojo's hands again, since it's a fair bet Shinra owns the majority of the medical facilities in the world).  

Then Sephiroth damn near manipulates Cloud into killing Aerith, and when that doesn't work, Sephiroth kills her himself, right in front of Cloud.  If you tell me that wouldn't be the cue for a massive attack of the guilts on Cloud's part, I'm going to ask what the merry hells you're on, because I need my doctor to prescribe me some of that.

[bonepranks-a]

* verses

aight so since i put most interactions into their own verses, i have like a million, and oftentimes certain interactions will sorta create new ones. so i’m going to attempt to list all the verses i have. i will specify if they’re with specific people. (i may use the word timeline instead, they are generally the same thing, but sans will always refer to it as a timeline whereas i will usually call it a verse.) also, as you know, i don’t tag my verses -- but it’s helpful to know.

this is well over 1500 words so i’m gonna just stick it under a cut. i listed the people who have specific verses in the tags so u can read it if you want??? i mean everyone is encouraged to read it but yKNOW. up to you guys <3

GENERIC VERSES

pre-undertale sans and papyrus grow up in hotland with gaster. sans works as his lab assistant/apprentice. gaster falls into the core, “dies”, the boys leave hotland and move to snowdin.

neutral/post-neutral in the flawed pacifist ending (aka the one that allows you to load from your last save and do the pacifist stuff), sans continues living in snowdin, life continues as normal until a reset happens. for all other neutral variants, see this post.

genocide for obvious reasons, stuff in this verse will only take place during the events of a genocide run, as sans dies. however, in a verse where this is not the first genocide run, certain events may change, including but not limited to an aborted genocide where frisk doesn’t come back after sans kills them, and life continues. this will look a lot like any other neutral run where papyrus is dead, but he’s more fucked up probably.

pacifist/post-pacifist the pacifist route goes as it does in canon. afterward, sans goes to the surface with everyone else. however, he makes frequent trips back underground, both to help other people move, and to visit those who decided to stay behind. 

abandoned pacifist/deltarune in a pacifist ending that occurs after many different routes and countless resets (many of which sans remembers), sans accepts the futility of seeking a real ending of any sort of happiness. he manages to find a way to leave his timeline. he does not believe that this is the end, and is afraid of what will happen if frisk resets again. he has never tried it before, and his method is purely theoretical, but he manages to take papyrus and escape the timeline before anything bad can happen. he leaves a seemingly peaceful and happy life on the surface, and ends up in the deltarune world. papyrus’ memories of their past life have somehow been erased (perhaps for the best), and sans is torn between relief that they seem to be safe now, and guilt for leaving everyone else behind without a word. he actually fakes his and papyrus’ deaths simply so that no one worries about them or tries to come looking. he’s not particularly happy, but he can’t find a way to go back either. he buys the grocery store and tries to find answers about why he ended up in this specific world that is so unlike the one he knows, and yet eerily familiar at the same time.

CHARACTER-SPECIFIC VERSES

vertebralheights 001 bo and sans meet as children when her father and gaster worked together. they hit it off, but after all the other skeletons leave hotland, she and sans lose contact. it’s only many years later that they reconnect quite by accident, and they don’t even recognize/remember each other until they find old notes and photos that jog their memories. they meet pre-undertale, and their relationship continues long into a positive neutral ending. as sans learns more about resets and their circumstances, he begins to do research, and bo helps him out. if this is a situation where alphys has disappeared, they move back to hotland and continue work there. eventually, pacifist happens or whatever, maybe they go to the surface, we haven’t really gotten that far.

vertebralheights 002 the origin is the same as in 001. however, it diverges into any ending where papyrus is dead. sans runs away to vertebral heights and stays with bo -- they come to the same conclusions about how they used to know each other. sans is determined to find a way to stop the resets - but only once papyrus is back alive. if this is also an ending where alphys is gone, they eventually go to the lab in this verse too.

vertebralheights 003 after bo’s parents die, she contacts sans and comes back to hotland. she stays with the bros and gaster up until gaster’s “death”, and when they do eventually part ways, they slowly lose touch but don’t forget about each other. they probably reconnect again post-pacifist when sans stumbles across VH.

cynicalborne 001 ( paired with mercy-heart 001 ) post-pacifist, sans and papyrus choose not to stay in the town the monsters have set up (though he and papyrus pay frequent visits), and move to nyc. sans buys a closed down bodega and runs it, living in the apartment above. sans also somewhat accidentally befriends a human named os. they somehow hit it off, and when he loses his job and apartment, papyrus invites him to stay with him and sans. as time goes on, sans and os completely fall in love. other than cryptic warnings from gaster that they should not be together and that sans needs to focus on finding a way to prevent further fresets, life is pretty good.

cynicalborne 002 sans and os still know each other - they’re even friends, but their lives are very separate. os is still working more or less as an arson for hire, and he attacks the monster town that’s popped up. sans finds out, and shit goes down. 

mercy-heart 001 post-pacifist, sans visits frisk frequently, though he does not live in the monster town on the surface. one day, chara manages to take control of frisk’s body and gives sans a cryptic warning about how this happiness won’t last. he laters finds out through them and through dream messages from gaster that the only way to prevent further resets is to take away the vessel the player is using -- aka destroy frisk beyond saving. make it so that they cannot reset or reload at all, by literally erasing them from existence. sans refuses to do this however, and tries to find a way to simply disconnect the player from frisk’s soul, or removing only the ability to save and reset.

mercy-heart 002 more or less the same, it’s post-pacifist, except sans does stay in the monster town and probably ends up getting together with toriel because his love for her knows no bounds. life is good, there’s no players interfering, they can just be a happy family, and sans can just help frisk cope with their own depression without worrying about everything else.

we-believe-in-you-crew 001 sans meets bonny when she arrives in snowdin -- due to his promise to toriel he decides not to hurt her. instead, he helps her as best he can, encouraging her to stay in snowdin with him and papyrus and not to venture too far away for fear she might be killed. they eventually catch feelings for each other, and while they both know it, they never do much about it. everything is very subtle with them - mainly because sans knows they’re living on borrowed time. when she eventually makes it to new home, sans mercy kills her in the judgement hall because he can’t stand the thought of her being killed by asgore. 

primaautomaworld / qvietstcrm 001 (these are just getting lumped together because they happen in the same verse.) sans and mettaton used to be childhood friends, back when alphys worked under gaster and mettaton visited frequently as a lil ghostie. he would often play with sans and papyrus, and he and sans even had lil crushes on each other, not that anything ever came of it. however, once mettaton became corporeal and moved on to becoming a star (and after gaster’s disappearance as well), they completely lost touch. it’s only much later that sans calls up mettaton and invites him to stop by snowdin. the reunion between all three of them is really really good, and mtt and sans start up the flirting hardcore until they finally do just get together. MEANWHILE IN PAPYRUS LAND, he starts going out with a siren from waterfall named storm. sans meets them one day during work, invites them back for dinner, storm and papyrus hit it off really well, and the rest is history. it’s really cute uwu  

fluersamour 001 sans and chara.... knew each other before she died. they would play together along with papyrus and asriel when gaster had meetings with asgore and brought the kiddos. they weren’t necessarily close friends, but they were pleasant. good companions. over the course of genocide routes, they’re constantly fighting and she’s killed sans multiple times. it’s a thing. but eventually, it stops. they reach a stalemate. they don’t want to kill each other anymore. and eventually, they start talking again. about the past. about her time in the void, and meeting gaster. it’s not exactly normal friendship but it’s.... something.

[doyoungbunnyagenda]

El Dorado

well this is what I've been working on a few days and it’s finally finished!!! How you enjoy reading it 

a oneshot inspired by Exo K’s El Dorado

Word count: 1687 words

(btw is not a fanfiction sorry if that’s what you wanted)

‘’I’m leaving right now,

The bigger adventure,

The danger that follows…’’

 I came from a small town in the core of the Amazon rainforest. Me and my family didn’t have or own much so we just got by, making our money by housing desperate bio-scientists, adventurers and anyone who enjoyed studying these areas. When I was younger, I was always so interested in what our visitors would say while I was bringing food and water to them. They told me things about the outside world I never knew of. They showed me famous writings and texts that I have never heard of. My eyes were first opened to the wonders of the outside. I used to spend most of my childhood years with one regular customer. I never caught his name though because he was always referred to, by my mother, as Mr. L. It intrigued me of how he could go into long tangents about some kind of promised land he called ‘Eldorado’. The supposed ‘Eldorado’, as he described it, was a land full of rivers of gold, skies of crystal blue, temples filled with riches; that kind of thing. My mother classified his ramblings as mad when she found out about my infatuation with this ‘fake promise land’. But that didn’t stop me learning about all I could find. Heck I knew so much I could have passed an exam about it. As my obsession for knowledge grew, I needed more than just words in books. I needed to experience the real thing. So here I find myself sitting in a poorly made tent, even deeper in the rainforest, regretting my life choices. Great…

 ‘’Into the light that spreads out before us,

Towards the future that no one knows of,

This walk will be a legend in the days to come.’’

 Day one of this so called ‘quest’ was chaos. In my haste of my mother not seeing me, I forgot many things that would have made my journey easier. I saw no point in any way to bring anything electronic as I doubt there will be anywhere with a signal for miles off. In my decent sized rucksack, I had only packed things I would need for a month or two if I used them sparsely. Essentials like: match-sticks (of course), a cheaply made tent, basic toiletries, a tiny black watch, plain food and maps and books that could help somewhere along my journey. According to the maps, it looks like I am in the first part of the trial. I didn’t know I was getting myself into some Indiana Jones movie. The first puzzle was hidden in depths of lush leaves, so it took me half of the day to, you know, actually start the challenge. Dusk was swiftly approaching across the Amazon and from what I’ve read about this ‘quest’ and my knowledge of the rainforest in general, this wasn’t a good thing. In a panic, I rushed around trying to fix all the pieces of the trial in the right places before the sun is replaced by the moon. Trying to put the last few pieces in was hell, I couldn’t do it even after multiple attempts; my patience was on its last leg until I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Mr. L…

 ‘’Even if we’re walking in storms, on some days if we’re together,

I won’t be afraid,

Let’s look for paradise…’’

 After that moment, a budding friendship bloomed between us. We shared all our achievements all our highs and all our deepest lows. Instead of facing this journey alone I now had someone to keep me company (and make sure I don’t go insane). It was nicer than going solo although he did get on my nerves, like most friends do. Trials were made easier, gathering food -which I was terrified of- was made efficient and surviving was easy overall when you had an extra pair of responsible eyes watching. Without Mr. L by my side, I might as well have died, that’s how close we were. However, one unfortunate day my worst nightmare was about to turn into reality.

It was a regular morning, I awoke just after the rise of the sun getting ready to get out of my tent and find more clues for the quest but then, while hopping out of the tent, I was not greeted to the sound of heavy snoring coming out of the opposite tent. The green crickets greeted me instead. Well maybe Mr. L went to fetch water for us to filter. Or maybe he was hunting. But I normally do those jobs and I thought we had a set job rota. For a while, I tried not to worry much as I was 99.9% sure he would arrive before sunset, like he always does. Minutes passed and they turned into many hours. Then I allowed myself to go into complete panic mode. My brain was contemplating if I should go and look for him or wait a bit more and he’ll return. It was getting late and by looking at the lunar cycles, no full moon tonight so it will make sense to find him before the glossy orange sunsets. Trudging through the leaves and mud of the forest-floor that I had become so accustom to, I tried my best to spot any shape that somewhat resembled an old man; in the darkening forest. All the while getting my hopes up and for them to crash swiftly to the ground. Around a bend I saw what looked like a snapped twig, so I initially paid no notice until I heard some kind of groaning sound coming from that area. I knew those sounds could only belong to one person. The only person in my life right now – Mr. L… It felt like I ran faster than the speed of light when I saw his limp body on the ground like a fallen soldier. Crouching next to him I searched franticly for any signs of blood or injury while simultaneously checking his pulse and trying to raise its rate, but all was in vain. His pulse rate fell flat, and his heart stopped beating. It felt like mine stopped beating too.

  ‘’Though we don’t know the end,

Though we can’t go back,

I won’t stay frozen in the same spot,

Even if the high waves of sand come crashing down,

The destiny I shall meet is El dorado…’’

 Empty… Was the best way to describe how I felt. Vacant… was the best why to describe my soul. Worthless… was the best way to describe my life. Distraught, I spent the first days after his death mourning and grieving to my heart’s content. After all, my rock the only one I could rely on, life was stolen, by at first what I thought was me. I blamed myself for his death. I blamed myself for not waking up earlier. I blamed myself of not being there for him when he needed me the most. What kind of friend dose that? An awful one. How was I going to explain this to his family (if I ever found them)? So many questions flooded my mind, that I couldn’t think straight. At some point I even thought about giving up. Without him, the main reason I came here in the first place, this quest felt worthless. I was about to pack up all my camping equipment ready to head home in shame. Remembering my mother, a memory occurred about one of her sayings or quotes. The one I was thinking about in particular was, ‘’ No pain. No gain. This is a world of misery. The world judges you it ridicules you. It pushes you to the ground and presses your face in the mud. It can be as vicious as a snake bite. As callous as a criminal. As tough as titanium. Only if you let it to. My child you see you need to be strong. If the world pulls you, you push 10 times harder. If the world chucks you down, get back up as soon as you’ve fallen. If you think the world’s unfair, show it what justice looks like. Once you defeat the world’s taunting, the feeling of accomplishment is the best feeling in the world.’’

It all came rushing to me at once. I felt overwhelmed. I’ve come this far and put in all this hard work it will be a waste to the world and a delight to my enemies if I give up. Most of all, a failure is not what Mr. L would have wanted. At least for him, I needed to make one last push, show this world all I have got before going out with a bang. Time to find the precious El dorado.

One more push. One more trial. One more dash. The last trial was the easiest (of course) it was a race to the ‘promised land’ and to anyone, already deemed worthy through all the trials, who doesn’t make it will have to restart the whole test again. So, the pressure was on full throttle. Avoiding obstacles, jumping, sprinting, quick problem solving it included it all. Close to the ending, I slipped on the track my tired body collapsing on the dirt. To anyone else it would have looked like the end of my story, but I faced the music and danced. I got up as soon as I got down even though I had a slight injury I pushed myself even harder. At the last moment, I finished the trial. The feeling of accomplishment was so amazing, breath-taking that I can not express it in words. Is this what my mother was talking about? But what was in front of me was even better. A land full of rivers of gold, skies of crystal blue, temples filled with riches just like he had described it. It was so much more magnificent than what it looked like in my wildest dreams. Welcome to paradise …

  ‘’I will prove… that those who believed… in me were… right.’’

thank you if you made it to the end. I really appreciate it :)

if anyone has any sort of constructive criticism please feel free to send me it.

make sure to stay fresh!!