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cy-cyborg · 1 year ago

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Writing amputees: Phantom limb sensation/Phantom Limb pain

This was something I got asked about a lot whenever I made videos about amputee representation, so let's talk about Phantom Limb Sensation (PLS) and Phantom Limb Pain (PLP).

TW: Description of surgical amputation process. section with this content can be skipped and the start/end will be clearly marked.

What is it and what causes it?

Phantom Limb Sensation is when you can feel a limb, even after it's been amputated. This phantom limb is a VERY common side effect of amputation, one that almost every amputee experiences at some point. Depending on how the limb was amputated, how old the person was at the time and the condition of the limb before amputation, it can last for as little as a year to being a life-long condition.

it's caused by the part of your brain responsible for proprioception - the sense of where your body is in space. Your brain has an internal map of your body and specifically your nervous system, and it uses this to determine where certain body parts are in space, even without input from your 5 main senses, meaning you don't need to look to know where, say, your leg or hand is (usually, though other disabilities like autism and ADHD can affect this and make it less accurate). Usually, the brain senses where your body parts are using a combination of this map and input from nerves. But if something happens to your body part, that internal map can have a lot of trouble updating, and when the internal map and the nerve inputs don't match, it can cause your brain to panic and fill in the gaps from the missing input signals, creating the sensation that a lost body part, usually a limb, is still there. For some, the limb light be locked in place, other might have the sensation of the limb "growing back" (though as I understand it, this typically only happens to very young children) and others feel as though the limb is perfectly fine and moving along with the rest of the body normally.

This sensation isn't unique to people who have lost limbs mind you: some trans people who have had top or bottom surgery, people who've had mastectomies, and even people who have had growths or tumours removed often report a similar sensation of their removed parts still being present, though it's not usually as intense and fades after a few months to a few years on its own with minimal intervention, leading to it being categorized as a separate phenomenon to Phantom Limbs in these cases.

Phantom Limb Pain is an extension of phantom limb sensation, caused by the body's more extreme reaction to the same phenomenon. The exact reason why it occurs isn't known, but in many people, instead of feeling a persistent pressance of a limb that's no longer there, they will feel discomfort or pain radiating from the lost limb. For some people, it might be an itch on the phantom limb they can't scratch, for others, the pain can feel like intense "pins and needles" all over the lost limb, others feel an electric "zap" running through the non-existent nerves, live they've grabbed a low-voltage electic fence, some people feel a dull, pounding pain, like the lost limb is being crushed or pushed into positions it shouldn't be able to go into (e.g. someone who had their knee amputated might feel the joint bending in the wrong direction). Some people experience all of these, some only experience one. Everyone will be different.

How is it treated?

Like with many things in life, prevention is better than a cure. certain measures can be taken to lessen the intensity of PLP and PLS before it can even start.

Gore TW: description of the process of surgical amputations, skip to the "----" divider to avoid.

People who have had amputations in the last 10 years will go through a slightly different procedure than those who had amputations before then. Historically, the limb would be amputated by cutting directly through the limb and either sewn shut or by having a skin graft where tissue is used to create a "cap" at the end of the stump. These methods worked, but left nothing for the nerves to connect to once everything was healed, leading the brain to think the reason for the lack of signal from the limb is that the limb was simply broken. Not only can this cause added intensity to the nerve pain, and increase the risk of something called a neuroma, where the nerves attempt to mend the "break" and continue to grow until they hit the surface of the skin, causing them to bundle up and get tangled, creating a feed back loop and amplifying any signal from the area to unbearable levels (including phantom sensations).

Today though, when conditions allow, amputations are done by cutting through the limb as before, then once the skin layers are reached on the other side, surgeons cut downward, creating a long tab of skin which is pulled over the bottom of the stump and reattached to the front. This allows the major nerve pathways in the limb to connect with each other during the healing process, creating a loop in the nerves and tricking the brain into thinking it's still receiving signals from the amputated limb.

Those who had their amputations prior to this change in the procedure can have a similar operation done to achieve a similar effect, though in both cases, it doesn't always work and can lead to the brain producing very very strange phantom limb sensations. In my personal case, it creates a sensation that I can feel my own skin in the region as though it was something separate from the rest of the body, almost like I'm wearing a sock. Very odd, and honestly kind of cursed lol.

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If prevention isn't an option though, different treatments exist.

One popular method is through compression. what's left of the amputated limb (called the stump) will be either wrapped in very strong compression bandages or the person can wear a fitted compression sock on the stump. This is usually done for the first 6-12 weeks after the amputation, though it can be done for longer under the supervision of a rehab specialist in some circumstances. After 6 weeks, 6-12 weeks, the stump will have healed enough for a prosthetic to be fitted. After this point, the person is encouraged to wear the prosthetic or at least the liner, usually made from silicone in modern prosthetics instead of a compression sock/bandage. The liners of the prosthetic offer milder compression, as does the socket of the prosthetic itself, and the "snug" feeling can, for some, make the phantom pain more bearable and the phantom sensation less frequent (though some people experience the opposite and will have increased PLP/PLS while adjusting to the prosthetic, though it usually subsides eventually).

For leg amputees specifically, they are encouraged to walk on their new prosthetics as much as possible, as the action of walking with the prosthetic will often trigger the phantom limb to start moving in time with the rest of the leg, and the sensation of walking can essentially trick the brain into using the phantom limb sensation to help the person walk more naturally and feel less unstable.

Another treatment is called Mirror Therapy, though this only works for single-limb amputees or arm and leg amputees who's amputations were on the same side (e.g. both left leg and left arm). The person puts their full remaining limb in front of a mirror and their amputated limb behind the mirror, then angles themselves so it appears that their full limb being reflected in the mirror is replacing the lost limb. If the person is experiencing an itch on their lost limb, they can scratch the full one, and look into the mirror. Eventually, your brain will feel the scratching sensation on the phantom limb instead.

If none of these options work, nerve pain medications such as gabapentin can be prescribed, though this is usually a last resort as these medications can have serious side effects and can prevent people from being able to do certain jobs or even drive depending on the dosage. As an absolute last resort, an injection can be given to the person to numb the stump. This does not stop the pain completely, but it does subdue it, though many doctors warn against this as it often means the person will not be able to feel if their stump is injured and can result in infected, untreated wounds.

Unfortunately, there is no "cure" yet, and many amputees just learn to live with PLP and PLS.

What things make you more or less likely to experience PLP/PLS?

There are some things that can make you more or less likely to experience PLP and PLS, and that can effect how intensely you experience them.

Your age when you lost the limb

People who are born without the limb almost never experience PLP and PLS, as their brain's internal map already knows the limb isn't there. Likewise, children who lost their limb very early in life don't usually experience PLS very intensely, or for very long, and are less likely to experience PLP at all. This is because when you are young, your brain is already updating that internal map because you're growing, so it has an easier time understanding the fact the limb isn't there anymore. Young brains are also constantly changing and growing, making them more adaptable in general to acquiring major disabilities. On the flip-side someone who lost their limb late in life is more likely to experience PLP and PLS for the rest of their lives. It can be managed, but it will likely always be pressant. Thier brains have not really needed to make any major updates to that map, often for decades, and are not really built to be able to do that, meaning PLP and PLS will likely take longer to go away, if they ever go away at all.

How you lost it and the condition of the limb before it was amputated.

If you lost your limb due to trauma, meaning events like accidents or major injury, the phantom sensation you experience will likely be much more painful, and could even feel like the injury or accident is happening over and over again. For example, someone who lost their arm to a shark attack might feel the sensation of the shark's teeth biting into it as well as the sensations described in the first section.

Alternatively, someone who had their limb amputated due to a pre-existing condition might continue to feel that condition even after the limb is gone. As a personal example, I've had multiple amputations throughout my life, but my most recent was due to a bone infection that formed at the bottom of my stump from a previous amputation. Now, when I experience phantom limb sensation, I can still feel where the infection reached the surface (where the nerves began to feel something was wrong). I had that leg amputated through the ankle as a young child, and when it was re-amputated higher up due to the infection, I didn't feel the whole leg, just the pre-existing stump.

Post Amputation Care

If a person does not receive proper medical care immediately after an amputation, their phantom sensation and pain will be significantly worse. My great Grandfather for example, lost part of his hand during WW2, but due to the situation, was not able to receive adequate medical care once he was established due to the medics being preoccupied with the actively dying. As a result of this and the traumatic nature of how he lost it in the first place, he experienced very intense phantom pain for the majority of his life. This is also important to keep in mind if your story takes place before the modern age, as it wasn't really understood how important post-amputation care was until recently, and many folks were left to just figure it out themselves.

Time

As with all things, phantom pain and phantom sensation fade with time. They may not ever go away entirely, but they do fade in intensity at least a little. This is especially important to keep in mind for characters with beyond-human lifespans. Your elderly grandmother character might not live long enough for their phantom pain to fade entirely, but your immortal vampire who's been alive for a millennia and lost their arm when they were human probably will.

Closing things to keep in mind

Wow, that was longer than I was expecting but I hope you found this all helpful. One last thing to keep in mind is that oftentimes, amputees who do experience PLS/PLP get pretty good at managing it, so you don't have to worry about it too much unless the amputation happens during the story itself or you want to make it a focus, this is just an explanation of what you can include if you like. Personally, though, I feel like it's an aspect of being an amputee that a lot of media rep overlooks, so it would be nice to see some more representation at least mention it. It doesn't have to be constant, but some brief comments or something of the like will go a long way.

#Writing Disability with Cy Cyborg #long post #writing disability #disability #disabled #disabilities #actually disabled #disability representation #amputee #writing #writing advice #writer #writeblr #on writing #writers on tumblr #authors of tumblr #authors #phantom limb #id in alt text

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neon-junkie · 2 years ago

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In the Heat of the Moment - Chpt.1

Summary: "Less than ten percent of domesticated species go into heats," accord to Tech and his research, and (un)fortunately, you're one of that ten percent. What else are you meant to do? Trapped during a heat cycle with five men - five willing men who are happy to help relieve you, but not all have the confidence to say so.

Relationship: The Bad Batch x fem!Reader (she/her)

Tags: Heats, Mating, Sex pollen, Friends with benefits, Friends to lovers, Slow burn, Sex, Jealousy, Pining, Scents, Knotting, Creampies, slightly A/B/O, Tags to be added.

Word count: 1.5k

[Chapter 2]

Notes: I've had this series in my drafts for a while. I keep adding to it here and there, and I figured I should start to post *something*. Not going to lie, I purely had myself in mind when writing this. I've been tired of trying to write for an audience, and instead, I'm just writing what I want to read. I also miss writing smut-centered fics, so let's scratch all of those itches at once!!

For context: Your heat is vaguely based off the heat cycles that you see in animals. Once a year, your species goes through a heat cycle, where you have a high physical urge to mate. These can last 1-2 months, depending on if/when you mate. I took a lot of inspiration from the sex pollen trope, kinda "fuck or die" but without the death. Just a lot of pain/discomfort. It's a craving, your body NEEDS to fuck or else you're going to get nasty about it. Very nasty. The lads won't be happy with your attitude, but how can they turn down such a pretty and desperate thing?

Chapter 1 - And here we are...

"I should not be doing this."

"I should certainly not be doing this."

"I understand that I am assisting you, but this? This is going to get me reported, shamed, decommissioned and-"

"Tech, please!" you whine. "Stop thinking out loud. I'm only going to report you if you hold back from what you're doing!"

Tech slams his hips forward, coming to a halt. "I apologise," he mutters, and tightens his grasp on your hips before returning to a brutal pace.

How did it come to this? On your knees, your elbows propped up on the Marauder's pilot chair - Tech's chair, in fact. Speaking of the devil, he's also on his knees behind you, with his cock slamming into your slick cunt.

Tech is 'assisting' you through your heat. Yes, because you're no standard species. The galaxy has a vast variety of beings out there, but "less than ten percent of domesticated species go into heats," accord to Tech and his research.

He had noticed that something was off with you recently - a slight temper, recklessness, lack of sleep - not to mention that you smell. Like, you really stink, so much so that even Wrecker has pointed out that, "you're getting as bad as me!"

And Hunter, poor Hunter, has kept his distance from you. Neither of you have commented on it, almost like a silent, mutual agreement. The poor man has heightened senses, and you can't tell if your scent is driving him the good or bad kind of crazy.

At least your scent is tolerable, a sweet, yet sweaty lingering flavour. Tech had begun silently researching after noticing that your 'new behaviour' had stuck around for a few days, with no intention of disappearing, which brought him to a series of detailed articles about ruts and mating.

Well, the articles weren't about your species specifically, seeing as there was little to be found on that topic, but it gave Tech more than enough to understand what your body is currently going through.

You're horny, to put it blankly. You're pent-up, frustrated, and desperate to be filled.

The Batch had left for a supply run, leaving you and Tech behind to guard (and repair) the ship, which gave him the perfect opportunity to speak to you alone. He began explaining how he has done some research, and "somewhat understands the difficult time you are going through. Perhaps I can assist you in some way?"

Tech said that line with the intention of giving you medical assistance, supplements or whatever, but the pathetic whine that you let out caused his cock to harden, even more so when you shifted your thighs together and innocently asked, "are you suggesting that you can satisfy my natural urges, Tech?"

Back to the present. Tech's eyes drift to the side when he notices a light flashing on his datapad, resting on the co-pilot's seat. "The others are on their way back," he informs you through gritted teeth.

"But we've barely started!" you whine, knowing that your urges will be lingering for the next month. Minimum.

"And we'll find other opportunities to satisfy you, General," Tech comments. He notices the way that your cunt twitches around his length at that word alone - General - because you are his superior, after all.

This is all so complicated, a desirably defective Clone Trooper mating with his Jedi General for the simple purpose of assisting her during her natural urges. Insane, and incredible.

There's a silent and mutual agreement to keep this matter private, seeing as it would... complicate everything. But Tech had already let some information slip when Crosshair caught him researching ruts. "Do I dare ask?" Crosshair had pried, but it doesn't take a genius to put two and two together.

Another hard slam of Tech's hips causes you to let out a heavy moan, and with it, your upper body practically collapses on the pilot's chair. You're fucked out, debauched, yet still craving more. "Where shall I finish?" Tech sputters behind you.

"Inside," is all you can whimper.

Tech's hips come to a halt, "I may be willing to assist you during your heat, but I am not willing to impregnate you," he comments with a raised finger.

Peering over your shoulder, you explain, "I can't interbreed."

"Oh," Tech blankly sighs, and his finger softens before returning to your hip. "In that case, I'll happily finish inside," he cheerfully smiles.

And with that, he's slamming into you again, his brows furrowing from the pure intensity of it all. It doesn't take much for you to climax, just a few messy rubs on your clit, and you're cumming on Tech's cock with a series of pathetic moans escaping your lips.

Tech practically explodes, his mind fogging up at the sensation of your cunt gripping the life out of him. You're milking that poor man, and all he can do is fold over and rest his forehead on your back, panting heavily as he waits for you to relax and release your death grip on his cock.

"I..." Tech begins, and licks his lips as he straightens his back. "I assume the males of your species have the ability to knot?" Tech observes.

"What gave it away?" you sarcastically reply, and attempt to relax your muscles, allowing Tech to escape.

Tech lets out a pained, "ah!" as he slips his cock out, then tucks his poor little trooper away. "I'll certainly need to get used to that sensation," Tech casually states.

"Did it... hurt?" you ask, and begin cleaning yourself up, tucking your Jedi robes back into place.

"Not at all, but I am particularly sore," Tech replies as he offers you a hand, pulling you up to your feet. You watch as he clasps his codpiece back into place, followed by correcting a few pieces of armour that have drifted astray during his wild turn of events. You needed urgent care, and Tech didn't see much point in removing his armour when he's simply providing assistance.

There's a moment of silence, an awkward pause, and Tech breaks it by nervously rubbing the back of his neck as he states, "feel free to ask for assistance when you next need it."

"Oh..." you stutter. "Yeah, thank you, Tech."

Like the fool that you are, you push up onto tiptoes to plant a light kiss on Tech's lips, before making your way through the Marauder, ready to splash your face with cold water in the refresher.

Everything happened so fast. You were painfully aroused, and ate Tech up like a three-course meal. Your hormonal urge has been filled, but from experience, you know that this is only a temporary fix. Hopefully, before you know it, your yearly rut will be over, and you'll be back for to your standard, witty self.

As for now, you'll need to tolerate it, and redeem your Tech voucher whenever the time is right.

After coming to your senses in the confinement of the refresher, you shimmy out to find that the others have returned, shopping bags in hand. "You look tired," Echo comments as soon as he locks eyes with you, and you're unsure if that's a statement or an insult.

"That's what happens when you spend the afternoon doing repairs," you sarcastically reply, and Echo rewards you with an eye roll.

Wrecker is quick to drag your attention away as he begins going through the fascinating new foods that he's brought, all thanks to your Republic credits. You're starved, hungrier than usual during your troubled times, and before you can pick out a treat and tuck in, somebody else pulls your attention away.

"Here-" Hunter interrupts. He chucks a small prescription bottle at you, the tablets rattling as they come into contact with your hand, and you rotate the bottle to read its label. "For your... new problem," Hunter explains before heading down the ship, obviously trying to keep his distance, even more so seeing as he can't simply hand the tablets over to you.

Wrecker can be heard sniffing the air, and proudly comments, "you don't stink any more!"

How innocent he is, unaware that you've been given assistance to your 'medical problem.' "Yeah," you say with a soft laugh. "Scrubbed extra hard in the refresher this morning."

"I still think your problem is stress related..." Wrecker begins, and waffles on about his thoughts and opinions on the matter. All the while, your eyes gloss over the label, the cure to your problems sitting in the palm of your hand. Yet, your mind is asking the same silly question over and over.

Why don't you want to take these pills?

#in the heat of the moment #tbbwriting #swwriting #fanfic #the bad batch #tbb #the bad batch x reader #tech x reader #tbb tech x reader #f!reader #nsft #lemons #the bad batch fanfic

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tozettastone · 4 months ago

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I was away for 5 weeks only to come back and see Deadbeat! that's also what made me realize i wasn't subscribed to your AO3 yet somehow lol. i've been reading your stuff since Dirt and Ashes i think, because your characterization in general and specifically of Hidan and Kakuzu is amazing, probably hands down my favorite of any writer. Deadbeat really scratched an itch i didn't know i had! Maddie is so... so... gremlin-esque? she seems very fun to write because she's very fun to read. so I just wanted to stop by and say i really really enjoyed all aspects of Deadbeat, Maddie, her swamp, Kakuzu, Hidan, everything. Thanks for sharing it!

I wrote Deadbeat in a week and edited and posted it in the second week. I'm slowly getting better at seizing the moment as soon as I have free writing time. Definitely a blink-and-you'll-miss-it posting schedule on this one.

Maddie is absolutely a little gremlin. Swamp goblin extraordinaire! She's pretty fun to write... an off-beat, untrusting guy living in a fairytale swamp. She truly deserves a bath, though.

I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it!

#ask #quenchiestcactusjuice99 #naruto oc: murakami madeline

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shenrickyz · 18 days ago

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AKOGARE

WHERE love can be anything, and to jisung, it appears that love is seojun.

FEATURING ─ ksj, pjs, nct dream ensemble. WARNINGS ─ sleep deprivation, overworking, and taking medication. WORD COUNT ─ 5.7k NOTES ─ hi.. back with another coty (couple of the year) post that isn't plot and is simply my detailed appreciation for them despite the fact that one of them is indeed not real 😊😊 i miss seojun.. and also im jisung biased, and also this is incredibly self indulgent, i could write an essay on them, on their dynamic, on random details about their relationship that no one cares for 🙁 i hold them very very dearly to my heart 🫶 if your wondering, no, there will never be no seoji left over to write, nominate them for the coty awards please ☺️

jisung likes to think he's somewhat of a seojun encyclopedia.

it's not that he's obsessive or is constantly grilling the older for spontaneous factoids, jisung simply listens, that really is the staple of their relationship. seojun talks and jisung listens, occasionally it might be vice versa, but it usually never is.

it also isn't as if seojun tells everyone everything about him, if you strip away his natural sense of exuberance, he's a pretty private guy. jisung just has a great deal of knowledge because of their flurry of late night secret sharing as well as the acute focus he seems to have for everything.. well, him.

there's a lot to seojun that is as basic as it is easy to understand. he usually likes darker shades of colors, not exactly black, but he prefers dimmer shades of blue and grey. he adores shades of white reminiscent of snowfall, seojun loves snow, his pupils always dilate as if he's a child seeing it for the first time.

there are many things seojun likes, the word 'like' is a weak term for the passion he has for each of them in particular though. he likes your usual things; strawberries, snow, skiing, renjun's dumb cardigans, motorcycles, penguins, old martial arts movies, charm bracelets, things that any person could easily derive if they simply stare idly for almost hours in the same manner jisung does.

and it's not that jisung enjoys staring at seojun for practically hours on end, he just can't help himself. seojun doesn't have to do anything fantastic, he can just sit around and make a shitty joke that wouldn't usually get laughs, yet jisung would stare fascinated.

it's like an itch, a terrible habit that he just can't get rid of no matter how much he tries. maybe he doesn't want to, it isn't as if he's good at hiding his habit, he simply can't help when it happens.

he knows that seojun knows, seojun is terrifyingly observant, he's clocked things about jisung that he himself doesn't even register for a while. he finds the older weirdly frightening in some senses..

but jisung loves seojun either way.

knowing someone for almost eleven years makes you pretty much susceptible to the specific habits they perform. they range from the usual hair tugging, fiddling with jewelry, scratching at his arms, and always, always pulling all nighters.

which is why today, this prospect is strange.

seojun falls asleep before jisung.

okay, he isn't asleep yet, he's just lying on jisung's lap with his eyes closed, not exactly asleep, but he could slip at literally any time.

jisung first noticed something was up when the older wasn't his usual energetic self after their concert wrapped up. he hung out backstage with his head kept down, uncharacteristic silence taking over him.

"are you okay?" jisung recalls inquiring, lightly nudging him with his shoulder. the older offered a lazy smile as he nodded, a small breath leaving his lips.

"yeah, just a little tired, i'm happy the first day was successful".

jisung was able to believe that for a while,

well not until seojun completely passed out on top of him after they got home.

but seojun isn't asleep just yet, he simply lays there on jisung's lap. the strange exhaustion doesn't go past him, but how does he bring up that it's weird for seojun to be tired? every idol in some way shape or form is tired. jisung is tired currently.

"hey, is everything okay?"

seojun cracks one eye open, clearing his throat. "tired".

"well obviously but you never sleep before me" jisung states, swallowing down nothing as the older simply sighs, keeping himself in the same place. seojun's hair is soft, and jisung can't help but run his fingers through the strands.

seojun's eyes again flutter shut, he makes himself comfortable in the other's lap. jisung continues staring down, and seojun chuckles knowingly.

"can you stop looking at me like that?"

jisung's eyes narrow. "i'm just pretty confused by this.."

seojun rolls over, laying on his back as he stares up at jisung. he pinches the bridge of his nose, again sighing. "it's my new medication" he mutters.

jisung blinks, and seojun waves a dismissive hand in the air. "it tires me out quickly because seorin says my sleeping problems make me look dead".

"i mean.. is she wrong?"

seojun swats a hand his way, and jisung is only graciously able to dodge such a move because he's above the older. "anyway, i'm loopy, can't even feel my limbs".

"is that a side effect?"

"no the side effect is exhaustion" his eyes again flutter closed, no sign of an upcoming smile on his face.

jisung stares as if the older just grew two his heads, but seojun doesn't see that, he simply rolls over again to make himself comfortable lying on the other. "good night".

"you can't sleep on me".

seojun seems offended by such a prospect, he snorts. "just for the time being?"

"let me move you".

seojun would decline to such an offer if this was any other regular day where he was pulling any other regular all nighter, but it isn't, so he silently agrees with a small hum.

how strange.

jisung doesn't exactly ask the correct question, though.

—

seojun loathes taking medication.

it's actually amazing if anyone can get him to swallow pills in the first place. if there is anything the older is, it's stubborn.. and also completely terrified of swallowing pills. 'they make him feel sick' he likes to say.

not even jisung can convince him enough every time, and jisung could pretty much convince seojun into anything with enough pleading and blinking of his huge eyes.

anxiety is the main culprit, he's been on medication for it since before his debut. again, he absolutely hates it. jisung would also say he's scared but he gets extremely defensive about that part because he describes himself as "fearless" (or he's just terrified of no one seeing him as such).

seojun stares at the bottle full of tablets, nose scrunching as he pushes it forward. "i'm not taking this".

there's that usual hikari sigh, the older leveling at seojun with a stare bordering on disappointment.

it was right before we young era that antidepressants came into the mix. seojun took the whole parent approach to it, how could he be depressed when he was easily the cheeriest member? it made absolutely no sense!

jisung could only stare.

"seojun, don't make this difficult".

seojun crosses his arms, stubbornness through the roof. "it'll make me tired! or dizzy! what if i trip during practice?"

"i'm sure that won't be the case".

jisung has never seen the once burning gaze seojun shared with hikari in that moment ever again, he gets a specific kind of obedient when it comes to him in specific, but that day, that day there just seemed to be something different in the air.

"you don't know everything".

it was the bite back that also happened to be the final blow, as hikari sucked his teeth, tugging at his shirt, exhausted out of his mind. "fine, we can talk about it in the morning".

seojun didn't even attempt a glance.

"what's the problem?"

jisung couldn't help but whisper, it felt like he was afraid of something, and he really has no idea what it might've been, but it was a lingering afterthought.

seojun paused for a moment before picking up the bottle, shaking it back and forth. "it's stupid, i don't want to take it".

it's stupid, strange choice of words.

jisung blinked, contemplating his response with a frown stuck to his face. "you're scared".

seojun scoffed, attempting a display of bravery with all his fifteen year old timidity shining through. "no i'm not".

the words were clearly offensive, the knitting of his eyebrows gave him away.

jisung kept his arguments to himself, instead taking a different approach. "you heard hiki hyung, you have to take them".

"i don't want to".

"then how do you expect to feel better?"

"i don't.. it doesn't matter".

it does to me, and to everyone else, i want you to be happy, why don't you?

the words died down in jisung's throat, nothing but his own fear displayed by the glance of his eyes. "please?"

seojun froze, as if almost perturbed by jisung being worried for him. he turned up his nose and decided the stubborn route was the way to go, as if he could ever deny anything jisung handed his way. "no".

jisung knew he was getting somewhere by that point, this time, his 'no' was less assured, a good sign. he braced his hands onto the counter, gaze focused on the bottle. seojun eyes narrowed, his face scrunching up into something ugly. "do you really think i'm gonna just take it because you said please?"

he really gave himself away with that one.

that's when jisung realized his.. privilege, his power over seojun that he didn't exactly check until the older muttered those words that one night. his lips twitched in a manner he couldn't exactly explain. "come on.. please?"

he took both of seojun's hands into his own, watching as the older tensed for a moment. "hey, i'll be here, i can help, i know you don't really like.. this".

there's a loud sigh, seojun immediately averting his gaze, suddenly very interested in the kitchen cupboards. the older contemplated, avoiding eye contact with the bottle of tablets on the counter as well as the maknae.

"can you stop looking at me like that?"

"i'll stop when you take your medication".

seojun crinkled his nose, but the defiance slowly slipped from his expression. bingo, jisung got him right where he needed to.

"just for today, and if it doesn't work then we can go back and ask, i'll go with you even!"

seojun's face finally fell for one last time, and he sighed. "fine",

jisung smiled.

"just stop being so annoying" his smile stayed fixed, even as the other slipped their intertwined fingers out of each other's grasp.

jisung offered a snicker. it didn't exactly matter if he was being 'annoying' anyway, he still got what he wanted.

and maybe if there happened to be the ghost of a grin there, seojun didn't plan on divulging it.

seojun's relationship with affection is usual.

and by 'usual', jisung just means he controls it better than someone like haechan. seojun loves hugs, loves kisses, gift giving, cooking for people, taking care of people (discreetly though), slyly matching items, all the regular.

jisung has never been that keen, but seojun has an astounding effect, as he's found it mundane to receive, and even respond to affection from the older.

jisung can best describe seojun's affection as.. soft. not rough hugs reminiscent of jeno's bone crushing ones, but simply solacing hugs, the kind that the maknae feels as if he could easily fall asleep in.

he longs for hugs from seojun, in the strangest way possible, they erase all of the unease, allow for him to let out a very needed breath of fresh air, let him relax after a days worth of stress.

there's also kisses, cheeks, foreheads, hands, occasionally the side of the neck (though those went out of fashion, jisung isn't sure why he misses them as much as he does), they aren't as regular as hugs or fleeting touches on the waist, but they do come up from time to time.

they always catch jisung off guard, seojun has never exactly been predictable in any way, and spontaneous kisses simply add to that.

but of course, it's not all the time. kissing is really the strangest gesture of affection with seojun, because for all of the love he has towards the members, kissing is as rare as it is minuscule, something seojun has never commented on.

(and don't tell anyone, but jisung just awaits for the next time they randomly spring up on him once again).

seojun looks awfully pretty during dive into you, it's.. it's simply something jisung can't explain. he can't resist the urge to knock their knees together, it's his nudge to something, he isn't exactly sure what 'something' might be, but something is good enough for the vague feeling he has.

they can't exactly whisper while on stage, so they communicate between judging eyes. a sneaky hand coming around to pinch the side of his waist, just barely squeezing a wince out of jisung, but he manages to keep his composure enough that all he receives are strange (yet knowing) glances from the members.

and what are they doing exactly? jisung has no idea, he just knows that it's nice. it's nice to catch a glance at seojun up close, the makeup artists did a good job with accentuating his pretty features, even if jisung feels that he'd be just fine without all of it caking his face. his hair has always been pretty, jisung will fight anyone who brings a pair of scissors near it, it's perfect the way it is. the barrage of golden jewelry wrapped both around his neck and his wrists simply amplify under the overly heated stage lights cascaded above.

jisung admires for a bit too long, so long that he almost forgets a few of his lines. watching him shake back into singing is amusing to seojun, if his cute little smiles aren't enough to sell that one.

jisung lets himself nestle closer, comfortably holding onto the older, whose always been good at multitasking.

"even the moonlight glowing on your cheek is annoying me" seojun sings, fingers softly scratching at the material of his outfit. "i wanna be closer to you than that.." a thumb slides across his cheek. "closer".

his smile remains as he brings jisung's hand closer to press a kiss atop his knuckles, slipping by quickly and missing the maknae's reaction to such a prospect.

his eyes widen immediately as his cheeks betray the serenity he attempts to make face with, mind scrambled. did he just—

seojun busies himself trying to get jeno and jaemin to crack, feigning obliviousness to jisung's current inner turmoil. he manages to avoid glances, trying his best to think clearly about it all.

except he can't not think about it.

the last time seojun kissed jisung in any way was at the ending ment of the dream show, jisung was practically choking on his sobs, just barely able to register the older pressing kisses to his forehead, he was afraid of losing dream, and seojun did the only thing he knew to do, the only thing on his mind being to comfort the youngest.

and yeah, that was like three years ago, curse jisung for keeping track of something like that but he just finds it surprising.

not surprising in a bad way, again, it's about the unpredictability of it all.

maybe unpredictability is apart of his charm.

he itches to bring it up, but he keeps quiet when he glances over at seojun and the older offers his pretty smile. so he allows for silence to consume him until everyone disperses and he can find a comfortable time to talk about it.

"what was that?" he's finally able to ask in the dead of night, face buried into the cotton of seojun's pajama shirt. "earlier during the show.."

seojun raises an eyebrow. "what? you have to be more specific".

jisung's face scrunches, seojun just wants him to say it, the stupid smile on his lips says it all. he shies away from the older's eyes, suddenly flustered as a red tint blushes against his skin. seojun chuckles in his usual all knowing manner, much too acclimated with jisung's particular peculiarities.

the maknae clears his throat, attempting to make his blush unnoticeable. "the kiss.."

"the what? speak up".

jisung grumbles something under his breath, lightly pushing seojun as he crosses his arms. seojun is completely amused, his smile distracting jisung from his lethargic demeanor.

it's terrible, it shouldn't effect him as much. seojun is simply smiling, no makeup, exhaustion behind his eyes, a shirt that's just a little big for him (ordering mistake, he was definitely on an hour of sleep when he decided to get it). jisung is angry, there's no need for him to look so pretty, right before they're about to go to sleep..

"the kiss, on my hand, during dive into you?"

"ohhhh" seojun's feigned confusion is irritating, if jisung wasn't jisung, he would've totally aimed for a punch at the shoulder. "that? your asking me about it now?"

jisung opts to nodding silently. "don't know, guess i was just a little surprised".

"your reactions are priceless, it's so easy to get you red!"

"stop pinching me, you're so—"

"annoying? okay, sure" seojun crosses his arms and lets go of jisung, feigning irritation at the unsaid words. jisung sucks his teeth, drawing a small snort from the other. "anyway, don't act like you didn't blush when i did it".

"just wasn't expecting that" jisung's cheeks remain a shade of red, and if seojun notices, well he keeps his mouth shut. "don't be so full of yourself.."

except seojun really has every right to be full of himself, he's aware of how easy jisung slips, how he simply has jisung wrapped around his finger with just his pretty smile. jisung is starkly giving himself away, or maybe he isn't and seojun is a mind reader like he's always secretly suspected.

"i don't think you of all people should tell me that".

see? mind reader.

seojun hums, practically sensing jisung's thoughts. "..so? are you planning to sleep in my bed tonight?"

jisung sucks his teeth, opting to cross his arms defensively. screw his extensive sleeping problems, he has to be stubborn enough that it seems real. he rises from his spot and trudges over to his own bed, sitting unnaturally in the square middle.

his hands are placed into his lap, and seojun begins silently giggling from where he lays against his pillows. "stop laughing".

"i'm not laughing at you".

what a lie, jisung's lips turn downward as he sinks into the hotel bedding. he ignores the older's prying eyes, hearing yet another snicker.

his face twitches, he has to stay stubborn, he can't fall for his charm just yet. seojun again snorts, crossing his legs as he begins getting busy on his phone, it's only ten pm, much too early for him to go to sleep.

jisung picks at his fingers, usually silence wouldn't be a problem, but silence with seojun literally across from him is a problem. he should be talking his ear off! this is ridiculous!

jisung's facial muscles twitch once again, no he's not pissed off because he's getting ignored, it's just.. he's not an attention seeker okay?

but jisung can't help it, he scrunches his nose and stands from his place, trudging over to seojun's bed and sitting down beside him in a silent display of his clear irritation.

seojun doesn't even have to look up, yet he chuckles anyway. "took you five minutes".

"shut up" the argument is useless, but jisung tries anyway, struggling to not crumble under seojun's gaze. "i have sleeping problems" he whispers, arms again crossed.

seojun snorts, shoulder nudging jisung's. "or you just have a crush on me".

jisung scoffs enough that he's able to convince himself it's real. that would be crazy, what kind of person develops a crush on their bandmate? that would be stupid. "no i don't".

seojun seems shocked by such a revelation. "okay, just don't go back on your words in a few weeks yeah?"

"what are you a psychic too now?"

seojun simply hums, he seems to find that one funny.

the scariest part is that seojun is terribly good at predicting the future.

it's barely a full three weeks later that jisung really registers the words, and even then he attempts to allow for his denial to carry through.

because it's strange with seojun, what would having a crush even mean? would it mean dating afterward? does seojun even..

well jisung shouldn't fixate on that too much, why would seojun even tell him that? it's like most things with the older, it seems he'd prefer to keep it a mystery, endlessly hint yet never discreetly explain anything.

so jisung approaches it with.. well— nothing. he keeps the words tucked away in the deepest corners of his mind.

the thing about this crush is that jisung knows it won't just go away. jisung is aware of the kinds there are, this isn't a cute little crush you have on one of the older members much more akin to admiration (seojun used to have one of those on jeno, he told jisung right before debut that he was so nice he couldn't help it, the crush slowly developed as more of appreciation over the years).

no, jisung knows it's more than that. simple veneration can't encapsulate it all, he thinks it equates to a larger feeling of affection.

istj will be released in a few days, yet jisung can barely focus on comeback preparations or the closing of the tour. maybe it's stupid to be hyper fixating on something you otherwise would've assumed was small, but it's not, it can't be small.

because it can't be small when it comes to seojun. potential mind reading powers aside, he's practically a genius when it comes to stuff like this, jisung's half convinced he's got cameras behind his eyes or something. he has to have the most picturesque memory jisung has ever seen, he picks up on everything, the single twitching of a facial muscle is akin to striking gold. sometimes, he makes jisung feel as if he's going insane.

and the thing is, he knows that seojun knows. it's terrifying how much seojun really knows, he keeps up regular smiles around the members and goes on performing his regular seojun gestures.

yeah, maybe jisung's simply afraid of the imminent threat of rejection, but he fears seojun's own muddled thought process on a much larger scale. it's scary when the one person who practically knows all of your thoughts is so difficult to decode in themselves. he's scared.

but what is there to be scared of? this is kang seojun. his best friend with a history of sneaking out to buy convenience store snacks during practice, writing letters to his future self, getting everyone gifts literal months before their own birthdays, the seojun who jisung can pretty much credit for the fact that he was able to comfortably sleep during the cursed trainee days considering the amount of times he crashed in his bed when in the middle of an insomniac episode.

really, he should be.. glad?

except he's anxious, anxious about the member he should be least anxious about.

and of course, it's like seojun appears with his stupid smile the moment jisung is just the slightest bit confused about pretty much everything.

"are you alright?" seojun is laying upside down, gaze fixated on his screen, yet attention keen on his same aged groupmate. he doesn't even have to look at jisung, it's ridiculous.

"what?"

seojun snorts, tossing his phone despite keeping himself remained upside down. "is it that pre-comeback week anxiety again? you seem on edge".

of course i am, you correctly predicted i had a crush on you and i just realized i've probably been in love with you since if i was fifteen.

jisung cops a glance, a small snicker falling from his lips. seojun turns up his nose, he looks rather cute cascaded the wrong way, hair left sprawled on the couch cushions. "it's nothing.."

"park jisung" if the younger freezes in his spot, then he hopes seojun doesn't pick up on such a fleeting moment. smoothly, seojun flips himself back right side up, straightening his posture and patting the empty spot beside him. "it's too late for excuses, tell me what's bothering you".

it's you, you're bothering me, please stop.

jisung keeps in his spot for a second, finally snapping back into regular human thoughts as he sits as far as he can from seojun, hands placed in his lap as he attempts to avoid eye contact. it's proven unsuccessful, the older's got those burning eyes that he can't just shy away from.

seojun takes the initiative, scooting closer and bumping into the younger, knees knocking together in their usual fashion. he stares for a few, then smiles. "you look amazing in blue".

did he just—

he just changed the subject when he asked the question! what the hell!? jisung is sure seojun is trying at the whole insanity thing, big eyes blinking in pure engrossment at the new hue of his hair. blue is his favorite color, the dimmed shade of jisung's own hair could account for one of his favorite sights of the year.

"blue is your favorite color" he opts to respond, seojun's eyes don't yet flitter, but there's that shine which jisung parrots in his own.

"no it's not".

"should i keep it blue?"

"yep, for the next seventy five years".

"seventy five is excessive" jisung argues, the conversation is stupid, he almost impulsively leans in as a way of shutting him up. "my hair will fall out".

"you're gonna have to be bald anyway, enlistment is a curse".

jisung swears under his breath. "you can't cut your hair, that would be like.. a streak of bad luck".

"or you just love it so much".

jisung bites into his cheek. "didn't say that".

"right, if our stylist noona's cut my hair you would cry".

jisung's gasp is offended by the accusation, the prospect of him tearing up at seojun's hair being cut isn't exactly all that farfetched though.

seojun giggles at the thought, shoving jisung by his shoulder. he looks pretty, it's nothing but a black tshirt and sweatpants, oh jisung hates himself. "you're still such a crybaby".

jisung would typically pout at such a statement, but there's definitely a much more important thing on his mind. "seojunie".

"hm?"

"ithinki'minlovewithyou".

though someone with absolutely no context would think that seojun was clueless, the twitch of his lips alerts jisung to the fact that he heard all of that. he crosses his arms, feigned uncertainty behind his blink.

"you have to speak up, i'm hard of hearing" oh the stupid tone of his voice, jisung wants to die, actually no he doesn't, seojun's laughter is simply so entertaining. jisung's cheeks burn a bright red, and seojun just barely bites back a snicker at the sight. he keeps himself sat up, arms remaining crossed, gaze completely focused.

jisung clenches his fist, oh he wants to punch him so bad, seojun is stupid, so stupid. you like him though, you like him so much, isn't he adorable?

"i think you were right.." jisung mumbles. "i have a crush on you.."

seojun allows for the silence to consume the room for a moment, and jisung again thinks it'd all be much easier if he just fainted onto the floor. the older is staring a bit too hard, his eyes hold that look which is indecipherable, but that's when jisung captures it, the gleam of pure affection, fondness, love, it's adorable.

"aww, do you jisungie?"

"you aren't supposed to make fun of me.."

seojun again laughs, as if jisung's feelings are amusing. "i'm not! you're just so cute".

jisung opts to burying his rapidly heating face in seojun's lap, the older bringing his hands to cart through his hair. "it's embarrassing.."

"really? now i'm offended".

jisung peaks from his frankly terrible hiding spot, blinking at seojun with enough chagrin accompanying his glance it gets his point across. "you know that's not what i mean.. it's just—" jisung can't even help himself anymore, he shies away from the older's eyes insistently. "how did you even know?"

seojun snorts, jisung still feels as if there's amusement behind his eyes. "because you're so obvious, think you were probably the last one to find out, everyone knows already".

"don't say that".

"okay, i won't.."

seojun's eye twitches momentarily, his fingers coming to poke at jisung's stomach, giggling at the knee jerk reaction from the other. his lips curve upward, it's simply so easy, jisung is simply so easy.

jisung keeps his hands clutched at his front, a glower that is so gentle it can barely even be considered threatening.

seojun's hands find purchase on jisung's shoulders, a smile tugging at his lips. "you know, i like you too.."

jisung pouts, nothing substantial though. "it would be scarier if you didn't".

seojun laughs, head tipping downward and eyes fluttering closed. "you knew i wasn't going to reject you".

"not really".

jisung doesn't say more, simply lays down onto seojun, legs coming up to his chest as he allows for the other to continue his hair stroking ministrations. his cheek presses into seojun's leg, but then he has to ask one more thing;

"does this mean dating?"

he isn't sure why his stomach drops at the responding look, seojun's taps on the couch, jisung passes him his phone. "i would hope so, unless you want us to become like hiki and jeno hyung".

jisung crinkles his nose, shuffling upward. "no, i like dating i like.. yeah, it's all good".

seojun's smile reaches his eyes, it's very pretty. "you better keep your hair blue".

the whisper earns a giggle, sometimes, jisung enjoys noise, or maybe just noise from seojun is what he enjoys.

the thing about dating your best friend is that nothing exactly changes.

it's not a negative prospect really, jisung finds that he really just enjoys the label. boyfriend is much cuter than he originally expected, though dating has always been the shallow end of the reservoir, jisung doesn't exactly think it's bad.

seojun, with all of his experience, is also still fairly new to the idea, jisung guesses he's just better at making sense of it all.

they don't say it in any way, but they're sure the members have picked up on their sudden change of mode. jisung is sure seojun hasn't told any of them, considering he couldn't keep a secret of that state for that long, he'd probably blurt it out in a moment of guilt.

the members are observant enough that they don't have to verbally reach for an answer, just silently congratulating them on their newly acquired relationship.

the affection remains mundane, hand holding simply lingers, stares get much too love like and jisung has to remind himself that he can't just kiss seojun in front of everyone (well he can, but he'd rather be smart with his decisions).

it's funny, but it's also cute, jisung likes it.

he's midway through monitoring their performance when the older decides it's his time to suddenly spring out of nowhere, arms coming around him and chin placed on his shoulder. jisung doesn't have to glance backward to know who it is, simply his manner of affection is recognizable in its all.

"been here for a few minutes.." he mumbles, jisung hums as he keeps the ipad at a steady angle, gaze stuck on the repetitive choreography. "something wrong?"

"wanna make sure we're in sync" jisung replies, the older simply keeps them pressed together as his silent response to that one.

"we're gonna do another take anyway".

"reassurance".

when jisung glances at him, seojun is just the slightest bit closer, and he shyly retreats, despite their history, jisung is still mousy at the depiction of much closer affection, it's new. seojun blinks, feigned innocence behind his pretty smile.

jisung so badly wants to, but he'd rather keep the both of them safe. he comes to intertwine their fingers, a quick glance to the other members. "there are cameras" he whispers, he assumes this sight will be taken terribly out of context.. if there even is correct context here.

seojun snickers. "what? did you think i was going to kiss you or something?"

jisung's cheeks burn a bright red, denial instantly replacing his blood. "no! i just.. people might get the wrong idea".

seojun's smile is much too contagious, and jisung feels there's an evident lack of warmth when his arms slip from his waist. his hands come behind his back, clasping together in a small sound. "i see".

"don't pout i'm not rejecting you!"

his fake sobs draw glances from a few of the members. "you don't love me!"

jisung sighs, the over-dramatization of his emotions is its own double edged sword, it can be cute when it isn't against him. he pouts himself, and seojun can barely contains his giggles. "aww, can't you forgive me?"

seojun instead keeps up the attitude.

it isn't until the near end of recording studio choom that they interact again, sliding down the wall, jisung scoots closer and leans against seojun, opting to begin the affection this time.

seojun is listening to music, one of his eyes opening to see jisung. the younger has his cheek pressed to his shoulder, the rest of the members mumbling fading into the background, the other blinking. "hi".

"hi" he whispers back, his gaze focused on the earbuds. "what are listening to?" he inquires, just the slightest bit tired.

seojun doesn't answer verbally, simply removes one of his earbuds and offers it to jisung, who hesitates before allowing him to do so.

jisung again snakes his hand downward, intertwining their fingers. "what song is this?"

"akogare by taeko onuki" he states, jisung's eyebrows furrow, he seems to sense the querying movement. "hiki hyung recommended it".

"it's.. nice".

"it's not your thing".

jisung chuckles at seojun's snort, his eyes narrowing. "still, it's nice".

seojun raises an eyebrow, clicking his tongue. "you aren't just saying that because you like me?"

jisung stares for a moment, his eyes are very pretty, the music eventually fading into its own background noise. he takes a moment to think, not because he doesn't know his answer, but because he enjoys admiring seojun. "no, it's nice, i like you for more than just music taste".

seojun hums, tilting his head, maybe just a slight fracture in his usually tranquil image, the beginnings of a blush spreading across his face. "keep your hair blue forever" he spontaneously speaks.

jisung shrugs. "i'll think about it".

he's not lying, really, he isn't.

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cows-have-secrets · 4 months ago

Text

I was going to write, but I need to yap first.

Hi! My name is Cam, thank you if you're reading this post. I understand it's not what people typically look for on Tumblr, but I'm desperate for friends of a specific kind and didn't know where else to go.

I grew up with the Aphmau Minecraft roleplays and I watched her content up until My Inner Demons season one ended. Since then I've taken a step back from watching her new content, but I'm still enamored with what she built before. Minecraft Diaries, My Street and Phoenix Drop High all hold a very dear place in my heart.

I have a couple of friends that share the mutual interest, but since I (unfortunately) grew up on Amino when it was thriving, I deeply miss the sense of community. Aside from three TikTok accounts that seem to really be carrying the fandom, there aren't many people out there that still talk about Aphmau's old content.

I know as the fandom we all long for more connection, and with the release of Season 7 being confirmed, I hope to see everyone thrive again, even if for a little while.

But that brings me to my point!

If you have a deep longing for original character creation, silly fandom roleplay, character rewrites, and have an itch you need scratched, PLEASE hit me up. I'm just a girl who has rewritten the Aphmau series with her friend 3 times over. I am but a humble yapper who wants to share my ocs and the headcannons I've built.

Full disclosure, I'm not much of a drawer, most of my ocs are collages and jumbles of images off of Pinterest lmao.

If you're willing to do group discussions please let me know! My friend and I would love to have a small group of people who all just write and talk about it. Despite being adults she and I cannot seem to shake our childhood hyperfixations away.

If you want to know a bit about me I have experience roleplaying (like seven or eight years under my belt). I've done writing for oc x oc and oc x cc dynamics, as well as some LGBTQ+ writing! I am so insanely non judgemental. When I tell you your characters can be insanely over powered and I won't bat an eye, I mean it. The only thing where I'm like "mm, no" is insta kills.

While I don't dabble in it much from the writer's point of view, I do like reading angst. Granted that's probably from all of my years as a girlie that grew up on Creepypasta.

But yeah to round it all out, if you have Aphmau stuff you want to yap about, let me know. I'm down to talk about pretty much anything in regards to it. Again, people comfortable being in a small group (4-5 people) are preferred, but if you're shy and just want to be my friend then that's cool too!

#aphmau mcd #aphmau minecraft diaries #aphmau #oc #art #writing #roleplay #friendship #my street #phoenix drop high

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naranjapetrificada · 5 months ago

Note

Director's Cut: Cornerstone? (in particular, what broke the seal on writing fic at all after a decade?)

Apologies for not getting this out sooner but the bastard app ate my first draft of this post. There are two answers to this question, one of them quite straightforward and the other less so.

The straightforward answer: one day I wrote some meta, and the next morning my brain was still turning it all over enough that I started thinking about the details. Specifically what Ed would be thinking about, and about the ADHD experience of sex which can be frustrating, especially in emotionally fraught times.

I may or may not have been reading a lot of canon divergent first time fics at the time, and while Ed certainly experiences powerful emotions in those scenarios, things are understandably much thornier in post season 1 pre season two fics where there's so much more broken between the two of them. So I was thinking about being in that headspace and how Ed might be worrying about missing stuff while it was happening and trying to be present in a way that's an ADHD struggle.

The less straightforward answer: I guess if all of the above was like, what was fueling it all, the question of why now after a decade is because the stars aligned in such a specific way. Naturally there's just the source material itself, which is so inherently compelling to so many people that lives are literally changed by it. In fact, for folks reading along, some of the earliest conversations I had with question asker here were about all the grief stuff the show was dredging up (enough to have its own dedicated tag). I actually think the breaking point that got me to write this fic goes all the way back to my very first posts on here.

This show and its fanworks began to pull emotions out of me that I hadn't experienced in a long, long time, and got me thinking in ways and about stuff I never had before. Even with a lot of personal baggage around writing (which is too big to get into here), reading and writing and metaphor are how I understand the world. I'd been reading loads of fic and meta in the weeks before I created this account (initially succumbing to tumblr's sign-in wall) and after realizing I needed somewhere to put all these feelings I was having, I started making actual posts.

So lots of meta. And I love writing meta! But it wasn't scratching every itch, not with the kind of minute detail that I wanted, or not from the perspectives I felt like I needed to. There were always going to be things I couldn't explore through meta, and despite my personal history with trying to write fiction it was really inevitable that I'd end up writing something, since I couldn't let go of all the topics I was turning over in my head.

So all that, plus I got lucky with images. I've talked before about how all my one-shots feel like they were written with the part of my brain that writes poetry instead of prose, by which I mean they're born of an emotion and an image hitting me with a finite kind of urgency. The image, which I later remembered encountering in (among other places) an Assassin's Creed fic I'd read a few years back, was about the inherent collective nature of cathedrals. How they require enormous coordination to build in the first place and constant maintenance afterwards.

Which like, small digression but remember the Notre Dame fire from a million years ago? Intellectually I knew it would be fine, especially because no one was hurt, and since it was in western Europe they'd have funds for the repairs in no time. And also fuck the Catholic Church and basically everything they've done since oh, the First Crusade? The Great Schism? When Paul decided to go preaching to the gentiles? But like, at some point during all of it I cried, and at first I couldn't figure out why, but then I remembered stuff I'd read about workers putting bits of themselves into cathedrals. Like stone masons chiseling stuff onto the inner-facing parts of stones that no one else would see almost like individual offerings, which is such a goddamn human thing to do that it overwhelms me. Anything that extremely human, that connects us across time and space and even reminds me of time as an extant concept gets the existential tears flowing.

So yeah, all of that coupled with the cathedral-as-their-relationship image and it was truly inevitable. And at the time I had complete faith that if it happened again (which it did), nothing I wrote would ever be longer than 3000 words. We see how well that that worked out.

Ask me for director's commentary on my fics!

#ask game #ask games #asked and answered #fic writing #writing process #ofmd #our flag means death

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itsclydebitches · 1 year ago

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Tonight I came across a post (that won't hit my blog until July because I queued it) about how it's unfortunate that "fun" has supposedly become a requirement of video games, given that this severely limits how they can function as works of art. We don't limit other mediums by insisting that they only produce positive emotions and experiences in the recipient, so why would video games be any different just because they're (more) interactive?

This post isn't actually about video games, but rather how that argument got me thinking about RWBY and the recent resurgence of this "Why are you still here if you hate the show?" question. Now, setting aside the acknowledgment that 99.9% of people asking that are merely trolling behind their faux-concern—they have no actual interest in hearing a RWDE poster's reasons for sticking around, they simply want a way to say, "Get out" with plausible deniability—but if we treat this question seriously, I think that post on video games may offer some insight. I have numerous reasons for keeping active in the RWBY/RWDE fandom (initial love of the show, intellectual exercises, the community we've made, etc.) but there is also some level of investment in what would traditionally be framed as non-positive emotions. RWBY can make me feel very frustrated... similar to how playing Pathalogic makes me frustrated. Many of its plot-lines make me angry... the same way numerous video games' discriminatory writing can make me angry. RWBY's community, at times, feels like an insult-laden battlefield... but I've been doing PvP in WoW since it came out, so that's familiar too.

There are so many times when I've enjoyed engaging with a piece of media even when I really didn't enjoy it. Perhaps a better way of putting it would be that I found something worthwhile in the experience, even if I couldn't label that as "fun" or "happiness" or "satisfaction." Sometimes sitting with negative emotions is a good thing. Yes, you can take that too far just like you can take any behavior to an extreme, which is where the continual demands to "watch another show" highlight those posters' willful ignorance. We're already watching other shows. Reading other books. Playing other games. Engaging with a huge, diverse variety of art. Those who gain their own enjoyment from targeting strangers online (and isn't that a significant aspect to all this) want to make it sound like RWDE posters haven't touched a single piece of art other than RWBY in ten years and if they just found something they enjoyed without reservations then they'd drop RWBY like a hot potato. But I'm already watching numerous shows that I love unconditionally and have nothing substantial to critique; shows that have me internally kicking my feet and twirling my hair because they're just sooooooo good. I have that! RWBY is a different experience. It scratches a very specific itch of "I once adored this thing and now it's disappointing, but I want to see it through to its end and unpacking the ways in which it fails is a fascinating, cathartic mental exercise." I can't get that from anything else—not right now, anyway—so why would I want to give up this unique experience to fill my time solely with art that only makes me feel Generically Good? Art I have little to say about because it already feels #perfect to my mind? Sure, I could analyze a show's positives and sing its praises (which I often do), but at a certain point you run of out ways to say, "I like it." There's a reason why transformative fandom is built around the gaps in media: missing scenes, plot holes, retcons, failures, missed opportunities, horrible disappointments. Transformation comes more easily when you're already inclined to change the canon in the first place.

Idk, I feel like there's also an element of purity culture here where there's this push to make people think they must only engage with art that aligns precisely with their moral stance, produces only positive emotions, and invites nothing but praise. If the art makes you feel bad in any way than it is bad and you have a duty to remove yourself from it post-haste just ignore that we wanted you gone the whole time. Frankly, I think we humans can handle a bit more complexity than that? Obviously, as said, you wouldn't want to make Art You're Upset With the be-all and end-all of your media engagement, and this certainly isn't a call for anyone to engage with triggers unless they're inclined to do so, but a story you're primarily here to critique, or—yes—even a bit of hate watching can be "fun" in a non-traditionally fun away. Just because the art hasn't made you grin and pump your fist in triumphant doesn't mean it's not worth interacting with as art.

#rwde #rwby #mymetas

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valiant-if · 4 months ago

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a ramble with a teeny tiny sneak peek

this may include spoilers for chapter 2, read at your own risk

this is the kind of shit i'm having to do for multiple sections in chapter 2:

typing this up in Obsidian. i don't typically make a widget for <<if>> statements unless they have more complex combinations like this one, but it's easier to keep them separate from the passage when they are more complex since twine still doesn't change the color of inline code

this particular statement is looking at a series of variables, some of which are chosen, and some of which were set in a previous widget similar to this one based on other choices made in one of the branches in the second half of chapter 2

in the future, similar checks will be made based on more specific skill values, but it's too early in the story to check skills in that way

on the one hand, it scratches a very particular itch that's weirdly similar to scratching my itch for algebraic equations (which i haven't had to do in over a decade, but i still remember how it feels, i always kinda liked algebra)

on the other hand, i keep worrying that i've missed a combination and i've had to read over and edit the block so many times that's it's actively eating into my writing time 😂

so if you aren't an IF writer and you ever wonder why IF writers take longer the further into their project they are, this is why. there's more and more background coding work to keep track of the further into a project you get, especially if a situation depends on a large number of variables to be true or false

if you are an IF writer, this is just me commiserating with you on how much writing time we lose when we have to create blocks of code instead. i feel you.

#valiant sneak peeks #valiant behind the scenes

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leavingdeadgirl · 4 months ago

Note

not a lore ask but since you seem to want to ramble: 1 song you associate with each character and why?

Hi anon ily. I did 2 for the first few sorrgy

Lori:

1. Sin Eater by Penelope Scott. The song displays a strong desire to be good from the singer while also expressing a bit of disdain for someone who seems to be better in every way (and is, fittingly, referred to as the “holy mother god”) while also evidently seeking validation from this person that they feel they won’t or can’t get.

Notable lyrics: “you’re the holy mother god and I aspire to your goodness, but the only thing I have inside to offer is a pit / I suffer just to moan, I scratch my itches to the bone / I keep confessing till I hit the spot from which the guilt emits”

2. I Don’t Smoke by Mitski. Again leading into Lori’s longing to do good and be good, to have friends, to be closer to people. Trying too hard for someone distant.

Notable lyrics: “if you need to be mean, be mean to me / I can take it and put it inside of me / if your hands need to break more than trinkets in your room / you can lean on my arm as you break my heart”

Cody:

1. Habits by Tove Lo. Though Cody doesn’t do drugs (this detail is irrelevant and thus subject to change) or have any addiction issues, the song all in all encompasses the life of someone whose every second is spent trying to find even a moment of happiness, living in a daze trying to forget someone they can’t think about.

Notable lyrics: “spend my days locked in a haze, tryna forget you babe, I fall back down / gotta stay high all my life to forget I’m missing you”

(See also: So Numb by TX2)

2. Gross by Penelope Scott. The song is about a breakup, partially, but I also relate Cody to the other end of it, being about the complicated nature of relationships with people around you when you’re mentally ill and being torn between wanting to push those who love you away and wanting to be able to love and show love to them.

Notable lyrics: “I hate it most when they’re kind, when they have meaningful lives / and I’m the awful one standing next to them” & “I’m never gonna feel good again, I’ve played this game through to the end / I’ll pull the plug or I’ll wait it out, but I don’t need you around / I wish I never met you, I wish I wasn’t a waste / I wish I had the guts to fuck my own life up or the heart to set myself straight”

Jane Doe:

1. Pure as a Lamb by Baby Bugs. While it is about abuse specifically in a religious setting, its depiction of abuse and the specific sort of feeling of betrayal expressed makes me think of her. Not to mention the rather simple language used reminds me of Jane, who was between 5 and 10 and, though she was very good at reading and writing, didn’t speak in especially complex language.

Notable lyrics: “you plucked my petals, just like the devil would do / and if I’m going to hell, I hope that you go too” & “now I feel dirty, look what you did / I wasn’t an object, I was a kid / I’m scarred and mangled, I am used / and all of this because of you”

2. The Ballad of Jane Doe from Ride the Cyclone. While the song goes into how that Jane Doe doesn’t know who she is or the life she lived, that’s not true of my Jane Doe, but the song does go into the plight of a dead girl whose story is left unknown, never to be mourned or remembered.

Notable lyrics: “I’ve got no celebration / just this consolation: / time eats all his children in the end” & “a melody floats through the air / when silence falls, does no one care? / another sad, forgotten tune / another song that no one knows / so that's how it goes”

The Thing:

1. Monster Truck by Jazmin Bean. Angry as fuck song, pretty violent, but all of Jazmin’s stuff matches an aesthetic and a type of music I associate with The Nursery.

Notable lyrics: “I don’t wanna eat the sun (succubus, fuck, suck you straight to the tomb) / I’ve been living on the run (white lined chalk, take it straight to the dome, dome)” & “make it hard, rocket launcher, fuck / fuck your dirt bike, I’ve got a monster truck” & “and this world is a sick fucking joke, just masters and puppets and mirrors and smoke / so fuck it, let’s light it, let’s to / I’m playing with fire, I’m planning to blow”

2. Brutus by The Buttress. Specifically encompasses its relationship to Lori.

Notable lyrics: “my name is Brutus and my name means heavy, so with a heavy heart I’ll guide this dagger into the heart of my enemy / my whole life you were a teacher and friend to me / please know my actions are not motivated only by envy / I too have a destiny / this death will be art / the people will speak of this day from near and afar / this event will be history, and I’ll be great too / I don’t want what you have, I wanna be you”

Emily:

1. Heaven Says. Specifically the Deltarune remix, but I saw a FAITH animation for the song and I’ve associated it with her since

Notable lyrics: “heaven is above / heaven is the answer / life is terror / blood in the machine, you are in danger” & “greater than life / stronger than death / echo around the world / search for the end / answer for your crimes / beg for mercy / take back you control / take back your control / take back your control, control, control, control, control-”

2. Christmas Kids by ROAR. Idk.

Notable lyrics: “the Christmas kids were nothing but a gift / and love is a tower where all of us can live / you change your name or change your mind / and leave this fucked up place behind / but I’ll know / I’ll know”

Sarah Warner:

Class Fight by Melanie Martinez. Sarah was a girl who tended to act out a lot, but always felt totally justified in everything she did and like she was giving people what they deserved when she lashed out or was otherwise doing something good/funny/right.

Notable lyrics: “I wanted to be in her shoes for one day / I just waited till recess to make her pay” & “her face was fucked up and my hands were bloody / we were in the playground, things were getting muddy / the teacher broke us up after I broke her / and my one true love called me a monster”

I don’t have any for the other specific victims but I do have one for all of them:

Fall Fair Suite (the opening) from Ride the Cyclone. All of them dying in “accidents” just makes me think of the RTC kids’ reactions to the accident that killed them, and I think they’d feel similarly.

Notable lyrics: the whole thing, more or less.

#long post #carolina magat #cody #the thing #jane doe #the warner family #emily warner #sarah warner #liam james #dakota johnson #connor warner #answered

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holylustration · 2 months ago

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Writer Asks

Thank you for the tag, @galateaencore! What a fun thing to wake up to :D

When did you start writing?

Since a pencil was put into my hand! My mother always encouraged my writing, and used to do small illustrations to my childhood ramblings.

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading more than what you write?

Not really. I think "I write what I read" is an apt statement for me. I love romance and I am not ashamed to say it.

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

If someone said my prose was like that of Jacqueline Carey's in Kushiel's Dart, or Katherine Arden's in Winternight Trilogy, or even Angela Carter, I'd be over the moon. That's the style I try and aim for: lush, effortless, flowing prose.

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

I have several:

My office, at my gaming computer. Right now, a bit cluttered with my work laptop, chapstick and various nail polishes as I sort out how I want my wedding nails to look. All my tarot cards and gaming ephemera are behind me in a built in bookshelf, and my nail supplies are all nestled safely within some ikea drawers against the wall, guarded by my legion of cat-chewed planties.

My bedroom, in my bed, with the string lights on. Everything is either white or off-white, with green accents. It may be a California king bed, but you'd be surprised how little space you or a laptop can have when you have four cats who all think mom's lap is the best place to be.

Family room, on the deep-seat leather couch, cocooned in blankets, when the lights are low and the fireplace is going, so there's only orange warmth against the harsh glare of the laptop screen. Still fighting for a space to put my computer when being swarmed by cats wanting a place to sleep (my lap).

Outside, in the screened in patio. The interior façade is very Nordic bathhouse, with its knotted wood panels. When its been properly cleaned, it is a nice place to sit in early summer or fall. I do often get distracted by watching the various creatures that make my garden their home, but I've never missed my word count yet.

What’s your most effective way to muster up a muse?

Go for a long walk outside while listening to music. Never fails.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

I don't know about themes, but certainly there are character types that I like to revisit. There is comfort in that familiarity.

What is your reason for writing?

To scratch the itch in my brain and to release pent up emotions. In times of great stress and sorrow, I find myself drawn to the page.

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

Any comment is thoughtful. I am an equal opportunity comment lover. That said, I am always fascinated about what is resonating with my readers, whether it was a description, or a conversation, or something else entirely.

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

Well, beyond that they're thinking of me at all (which is nice in and of itself), I'd hope that they find my stories entertaining.

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

Using language and sentence structure in a way that is interesting and varied, so that the reader doesn't get bored.

How do you feel about your own writing?

I am proud of it! More often than not, I'll reread a chapter and think, "Damn, yeah, that prose is fire. What a banger line. Go me!"

When you write, are you influenced by what others enjoy or might enjoy reading, or do you write purely for yourself, or a mix of both?

Because this is a hobby, I write for me. If others like what I write, that's great! This car is big enough for anyone who wants to come along for the ride.

Tagging @pallysuune + @themagnificentmags + @redbatchedcumbermayned + @theevilscribbler + @jaal-ama-daravv + anyone who wants to tag in!

#ask game

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purplekoop · 1 year ago

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I officially Have Job Now (still in the process of getting a bank account because the past 6 years of my life have been an almost comical series "we'll get to it later" moments but at least I can rest easy enough knowing my hours are gonna be compensated when it's possible) but I'm still in a creative and artistic rut that I very much wish to solve with the metaphorical equivalent of being bashed in the head with a shovel to get on with it.

I'll be transparent here and say that art has been hard for me the past few months. Between frequent downward spirals of self doubt over my creative and technical capacity, and just general inability to muster the desire to do art despite the ever-looming dread of not doing art... I've had lower points in my creative journey but I've sure as hell had higher. Not dissimilar is my broader mental state, where I've been generally fine but subject myself to existential spirals when dwelling on something as simple as having a big cavity in one of my molars and no immediate access to dental care at the moment. This isn't meant to be a pity post, genuinely I don't have much to complain about right now, it's just the same sort of mental (and in some respects physical) issues I've been dealing with for a while now. It's just more poignant now when I don't really have much of a satisfying "distraction" in the form of doing stuff creatively.

Currently there's only a few "projects" (feels like I'm giving myself too much credit with that terminology) I really can commit much thought to lately, both of which, either luckily or predictably, I've gone into at least some depth publicly on this blog. Fortunately for what I assume is the majority of my follower base, both are based around Overwatch.

The Role Requeue AU is a very fun "project" for me (again, feels wrong to call it a "project" when it's something meant strictly for the concept phase, even just a workshop mode is beyond the scope of realism). It scratches all my itches for something fun to think about: no pressure to make it a "finalized product", the opportunity to conceptually tinker around with mechanics I'm both thoroughly familiar with and interesting in exploring beyond their official scope, and most importantly, people to share ideas to and even collaborate with! Seriously, I know it's almost certainly less than a handful of people who've even seen any of the posts on it, but the response so far has me beyond ecstatic. The greatest gift an artist can receive in my opinion is a "yes, and" to their work, and I'm extremely grateful that Role Requeue (shoot, down to even that name being a suggestion too good to pass up) has already inspired such.

The only technical restraint on Role Requeue is me sitting down and writing a long tumblr post, so once I have the time (as soon as tomorrow mayhaps?) I'll try and get another one out. I still have some specifics I want to sort out, but Symmetra, Sombra, and "Ashe" are all contenders for being the next one to get a post.

So that leaves the other project I've been able to work on at least to some extent lately: my original hero shooter concept, (still under the working title) War Bots. For those who weren't around or otherwise missed the intro, it's a team based shooter starring a cast of robot characters in a post-human earth, fighting against either another team of player-controlled bots or a ravenous horde of sentient, mutant plant creatures. The "game" (again, very much in the concept phase) takes heavy inspiration from both Overwatch and its precursor in the subgenre, Team Fortress 2. The general gameplay design of the cast takes inspiration more from OW, while the larger team sizes and loadout system are ideas from TF2.

If you're wondering why both of my creative projects I really have any ideas for right now are directly because of Overwatch, it's because. well hate to admit it but it's the most consistent thing I've played all year. Arguably the past 5 years or so, save for when the pre-OW2 content famine was really starting to hit and I finally gave TF2 a try myself in the meantime (didn't like actually playing it as much, sorry). But especially now with the steam release actually working on my PC, which the battle.net version frequently failed at, it's been my defacto "I don't know what to do right now" time waster, and to me at least it's fun enough to where I still haven't gotten sick of it. It doesn't help that my actual other biggest inspiration for War Bots, Bloons TD 6 (yes really) is my number 2 pick for that niche, and I honestly don't play games that much lately aside from multiplayer stuff or streams (yes I stream I need to make a pinned post linking my stuff). So, I got Overwatch on the brain, and when my brain has something on it, its general reaction is to try and put my own spin on it, hence the creation of the "Overwatch but different" AU and "Overwatch but not" the video game coming to somewhere you can buy video games eventually hopefully one day please. I play fighting games I come up with a fighting game, I like superheroes I make my own, I like the funny colorful character-based shooters I make notes for how I wanna do it myself.

War Bots is in an awkward spot though, because I already gave myself a hard cap for how much I wanna think ahead for a game so early in development that the sole developer doesn't even have a game making engine installed on their PC yet. The loadout system is meant to allow for a smaller roster, saving time on creating completely new characters with their models and animations and lore and so on, while potentially allowing for an even further variety of functional playstyles than what'd be possible with an exclusively character-based system like Overwatch. You don't need Soldier 76, Bastion, Widowmaker, and Ashe all existing separately with broadly similar weapon types, just one "rifle guy" with four different options for their main weapon.

Despite that, I love making characters too dang much and made a version of the roster with up to 25 characters. I since reconsidered, picking the characters I actually saw potential in, making sure to avoid redundancies that couldn't be resolved, and now have a cast of 15 or 20, ideally launching with 15 and adding 5 more post-release. A roster of 25 and possibly even beyond wouldn't be impossible after that, but I want to limit the scope of what I was considering at this point. I like the cap of 20 because my current idea is that the PvP mode is played in 10v10, and each of the game's 5 roles (Damage, Control, Tank, Utility, Support) would have four characters, while also letting a standard match (if desired) have exactly one of each character on the field at once. This pleases me. At the moment though, I have 3 characters for Damage, 4-ish for Control, 2 for Tank (shocking, I know), 3 for Utility, one guy who could either be Tank or Utility, and 4 for Support but I'm admittedly not as keen on one of them at this point. This leaves roughly 4 or 5 slots in the roster left for what I want to realistically consider right now, some of which I have ideas for based on prior iterations of the roster, but I'm still not settled on something super satisfying yet.

For now, I'm focusing more on polishing the loadout system and the alternate weapons for each character, trying to get as much out of the characters I've already established before I move onto jotting down new ones in my notes. I did however hit a snag, because the system divides your loadout into three different interchangeable options: Weapon, Body, and Accessory. The weapon is your main means of attack and (broadly speaking) determines your primary and secondary fire. The Body meanwhile refers to some interchangeable part of the robot's body that grants them unique abilities, typically aiding in mobility. In Overwatch terms this is "Ability 1", or Shift in default keyboard binding terms, while also potentially carrying a passive ability. Accessories are comparable to Splatoon's sub weapons, generally some kind of throwable thing that provides a burst of utility at the cost of limited availability, in this case a longer cooldown than your Body ability or requiring a special pickup on the map to regain faster, or possibly being limited by a character-specific resource. This is the equivalent to OW's "Ability 2" or "E" ability. The snag here was that each part of the 3-part system was given 4 variants, a default or "stock" option and three unlockables that take the basic concept and replace it with an alternative that provides unique functionality. The problem was that especially with the "Body" options, it was hard to come up with meaningful alternatives for every slot for every character without feeling redundant. My compromise was that while Weapons get 3 unlocks, Body equipment and Accessories only get 2 unlocks, unless I feel a special exception warrants it. I may deem a character would get more value out of more Body or Accessory options rather than main weapons, or if I have a really good idea for an extra of something.

oh and also semi recently I decided that reserve ammo should be a mechanic, but then I realized that doesn't work unless every character has an infinitely usable melee attack that can function without reserve ammo (and is also more robust than OW's piddly little mostly universal quick melee attack), but I don't want to make a whole fourth slot for each character for melee weapons, but otherwise I don't know what'd determine the properties of your melee attack if anything deviates it from the default, and also are melee weapon attacks always available or do they require switching off of your actual weapon, but does that make sense for the characters who'd logically just smack with their normal weapon, like does the wizard guy just hold their staff differently for a "melee stance", but also thinking is hard.

So between the partial downsizing of the Loadout system, the need to put "uses reserve ammo" or "doesn't require reserve ammo" in all of my notes for each character's weapon, and the need to figure out melee attacks/weapons, I have to do some very meticulous updates to my current notes, which doesn't make for a super exciting prospect. Hey, at least I can think of funny things for these goobers to smack people with!

I do actually have an art now, though it's not my most flattering work. Had some ideas for alternate weapons for Yanno, the explosives aficionado with a dragon-shaped fireworks launcher for a hand I shared in an earlier post. The eagle launcher rewards precise aim and improves your aerial capabilities, the hydra launcher unleashes multiple rockets at a time, and the shark cannon fires big, arcing bombs that roll on the ground before detonating momentarily after. Very obviously taking heavy inspiration from a certain other flying explosive enthusiast for a couple of these, and the shark cannon exists entirely to avoid needing a separate character just for a grenade launcher guy when rockets are already such a similar weapon type.

So uh.

...I had a point I think.

art hard but I wanna do it more. this was a rant post but got devoured in word count by War Bots so uh. oops if you don't care about that.

I think I feel better now? remind me when I get up though to make a post linking my twitch and youtube.

#koop's oc stuff #role requeue #war bots #long post

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mismess · 7 months ago

Note

I'm so sorry to drop in here. But you're basically the only other person available to talk to who has watched monk. I found your blood through your art (which is gorgeous and endearing and makes me very happy, so I had to mention it) but I have an unrelated question.

Is there anyone else who's noticed a bit of a change in writing in season 5? It feels different to me. I'm trying figure out if I'm just recovering from loosing Sharona or if it's actually a little bit different. I can't exactly pin it down anyway. Maybe something about Mr monk himself.

Anyway sorry to bother you. You totally do not have to reply, no worries. I'm just trying to scratch an itch. in my brain.

Lovely art! Thank you!! Bye :)

Hmmm I can’t remember if it was season 5 in specific , but I do get what you mean, to me it kinda just feels like every couple of seasons they change SOMETHING just a LITTLE, whether it be the type of jokes or the characters or just the pacing. So I feel like you aren’t wrong for feeling like something’s off cause I know I have felt it too before lol. Also could just be change in writers, once you get that far in a show I feel like you are bound to be swapping them in an out.

But also losing Sharona was a big very sudden blow </3 COULD just be hitting you extra hard who knows. missing her 4ever

Also also never a bother! My askbox is open for people to send asks, so ask all you want! And thank you so much for the kind words ! 💛 Very sweet I’m glad you enjoy :’)

#or could just be the characters slowly but surely evolving over the years. as characters want to do #that one half a season where they dragged jokes out WAYYY to long was my least favorite. can’t remember when that was but it was noticeable #feel like that was rather early tho like season 2 or 3 #talk #monk

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walker-extended-universe · 11 months ago

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2023 Walkerverse Fanfic Awards

I'm so happy to do this. There are so many great fics out there (besides the ones I write ;)) and I hardly ever have the chance to do reclists. So here are my submissions for @theladywyn's fanfic awards!

Putting my answers under the cut because this is a long one.

+Favorite Author(s)

@theladywyn (<3)

+Favorite Character Centric Fic

and my love is yours but your love is not mine by @theladywyn

Summary: He's dreamed of this day- of Sadie in a white dress, walking down the aisle, surrounded by all their famiy and friends.

She's always walking to him in those dreams.

Reality's a little crueler.

I should sue you for the emotional damage this fic dealt out but I love the ending and I'm hoping for an epilogue of their actual wedding day <3

+Favorite Angst Fic

your whole heart's a village, everyone you love has built it by @theladywyn

Summary: "how do you know my name?" That is probably not top priority, but a strange woman helping her and Walker out of the car and then knowing her name has to be pretty high on the priority list. Au for paranormal/supernatural elements.

GHOST EMILY!!!!!!

+Favorite AU (completely new setting) fic

Mighty Fine Shootin by @theladywyn

Summary: He doesn't get a chance to finish his question, because the girl uncrosses her arms and fires her tiny silver pistol at him. He dives out of the way and the bullet barely misses him. He pulls his gun out, although he does;t have any intention of actually shooting her. She's a child.

Wild West AU. Sadie shoots at Cordell. What more can I say?

+Favorite AU (divergence from canon event) fic

Made to be Broken by sakuranomi88

Summary: An AU stemming from the first few episodes of Season 3. Liam was sexually assaulted while in captivity, and when he finally tells his brother what happened, Cordell decides to take matters into his own hands. Together, he and Liam find closure through vengeance against the man who left Liam broken and traumatized.

I do have to give a warning for Walkercest but even beyond that, I love how Cordell takes justice into his own hands here for the sake of his brother. He wants to help Liam and this is the only way he really knows how. Even if Walkercest isn't your thing, I would recommend this fic based purely on the brotherly love.

+Favorite Completed Multi-Chapter/Multi-Part Fic

there's a white flag waiting just to find out what we're made of by @theladywyn

Summary: Things go very wrong at the medal ceremony for Cassie and August. 3x14 AU.

This whole two-parter event lives in my mind rent free and it's one of those that makes me wish Walker would take things down a darker path. This fic scratches that itch so hard.

+Favorite Episode Tag/Missing Scene Fic

Lessons in Failure by @theladywyn

Summary: Liam hesitates on the porch of his brother's house. This might be a bad idea. Interfering in his brother's parenting- specifically as it related to Stella's and Cordi's relationship, which has obviously just taken a turn for the worse- is the sort of thing that gets him punched. Tag to 3x06

I have so many feelings about this episode and this plotline in particular and I love Liam's perspective on all this.

+Favorite Sick!Fic

Got Your Back Partner by @peachparakeet

Summary: Her decision was made—not only was he staying home, he was going to have company too. “Alright. You sit tight. I’m gonna call James and tell him to mark us down for vacation for today.” As his mind finally caught up with him, Cordell realized what Cassie said about taking a vacation day. “Wait, us?”

Just a short and sweet story about Cassie taking care of her sick partner. Perfection <3

+Favorite Hurt/Comfort Fic

when your floorboards start to rot, pray there are not bodies underneath by @theladywyn

Summary: His fist connects with real solid flesh and there's a familiar surprised cry. Cassie.

I wish the show got more into the realities of Cordell's trauma and how it might manifest. This fic is perfect for that.

+Favorite Whump Fic

The Voice in my Head by @peachparakeet

Summary: Sometimes silence can be deafening, especially when it's your own thoughts making the noise.

You know those fics that you find and you start reading and you can't make yourself stop reading even though it's 3am? Yeah, this is that fic. Supremely whumpy, delightfully angsty, and the whole Walker gang is here! There's nothing not to love about it. Please read and give it love <3

+Favorite Angst Fic

For Every Light by sakuranomi88

Summary: Cordell's life unexpectedly and drastically changes when he's given full custody of his newborn baby girl. Liam loves his niece like she's his own daughter and is happy to help care for her when Cordell is busy working. But when lines are blurred and crossed, Cordell asks his brother to back off, which sets off an unforgettable sequence of events that leaves the entire Walker family reeling.

I honestly just love how this fic addresses the co-parenting dynamic between Cordell and Liam that's prevalent in the show. It's deliciously angsty without having an antagonist per se and I love that.

+Favorite Ship Fic

Day One by @theladywyn

Summary: Day one, Trey thinks. Fifty-five to go.

I'm not the biggest Cassie/Trey fan but I love fics like this. Trey dealing with his own insecurities and emotions around Cassie leaving and Cassie dealing with her own crap.... It's lovely.

+Favorite Friendship/Platonic Dynamic Fic

The One Where (Part Nine) by AGJ1990

Summary: Another few Liam/Lulu snippets. Minor spoilers for the Walker season three finale.

This one is a little bit of a cheat as it's not the individual fic I love so much as the whole multi-part series. Giving Liam a father role is something I've played with myself but never committed to writing and I love the take this author has on the concept. I just love Lulu a lot too.

+Fic You Can't Stop Thinking About

Outsourced by hellhoundsprey

Summary: After Dan’s partnership with Serano comes to light, Denise’s and Dan’s marriage finds itself on the brink of ruin. With barely one leg to stand on, Dan has not much choice but to accept his wife’s terms on what she reckons might help relieve some of the tension. (Set between 2x10 and 2x11.)

This fic scratched an itch I didn't even know I had and I come back to reread it often just because it's so good. The dynamics here are so interesting and not something I would've thought I'd like but I love every second of it.

+Favorite Crossover Fic

Indeliable by 36and40

Summary: There's something that intrigues Walker about the man who works in the sandwich shop with the mohawk, piercings, tattoos, and the intense green eyes outlined in black. They couldn't be more different. It could never work between someone as irreverent as Priestly and a Lone Star born and bred Texas Ranger. Could it?

A story about overcoming fear, living authentically, coming out and coming home. And sex. Lots and lots of sex.

This fic is a crossover between Walker and Ten Inch Hero and it's one of my favorite crossover fics written in general and probably one of my favorite Walker fics.

This fic is a major AU that's largely removed from the show aside from the main character and a few others (Cordell even has a different brother) but I love every bit of it.

+Funniest Fic

The One with the Wedding Dresses by @theladywyn

Summary: "Well, I feel out of place." Cordell shuffles his boots on the fluffy pink rug at his feet and worries the brim of his hat in his hands.

"You feel out of place?" hisses Cassie under her breath. "You get the easy part."

What more can I say except that this is a hilarious concept and I loved every word of it?

#walker #walker fanfic #walker fic #walker fanfic awards

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