#i have low impulse control so highly debating getting one just to find out

[corvidlore]

Can people with piercings in the lip/cheek region still hold their breath underwater or is it like a slow leak of bubbles out when they do? I feel like making bubbles would feel pretty cool personally.

[ladymaigrey]

Enneagram and DD/Defenders – Part 2 – Matt the Reformer

Find all the posts in https://ladymaigrey.tumblr.com/tagged/enneagram (or go to my blog and look for “enneagram” tag)

gif courtesy of @dead-fandom-support-group​ (see her other enneagram gifs here)

TL:DR – The Reformers are perfectionistic and idealistic, with strong drives to “do good” and little patience for any perceived failure. Quick to anger and guilt-prone. Certain, stalwart and arrogant on the outside, they question themselves on the inside: are they actually “good”? are they sure they are right?

When under stress, they can become narrow-minded, self-centred and dramatic (movement towards Type 4 - Individualist).

For balance, they need to learn how to relax and let-go a bit - let the world spin on its own for a little while (acquire some characteristics from Type 7 - Enthusiast).

Matt: in addition to fitting Type 1 description (and often going towards Type 4), also has some characteristics from Type 2 – Helper, particularly the tendency to put the needs of other’s before one’s own, to the point of martyrdom.

The Reformer - in general

The Reformer has a strong value system about what is right and wrong and is quick to judge themselves and others in accordance to these norms. They are perfectionistic, but practical. They struggle to tolerate ambiguity or subjectivity, preferring objective facts and categories. They like to plan, organise, control, impose order over chaos.

The Reformers are their own harshest critics. They can be quick to anger if they see themselves or others falling short of their ideals. Yet anger often causes guilt, if they believe that a truly “good” person should not get angry. Therefore, anger is often suppressed out of conscious awareness. Still, it tends to come out in expressions of righteous indignation, sarcasm and guilt.

They are quick to argue, moralise or instruct – because they Know How Things Are Supposed To Be. Yet, internally, they are often worried that they are wrong, that they are not Good. Although they may question themselves on the inside, outwardly they will struggle to shift from their position because admitting they are wrong is too threatening to their idealised self-image.

The Reformers are over-responsible. At extreme, they can get burned out with carrying their unrealistic “shoulds” and “musts”. They struggle to relax and have fun.

According to Wagner (1980, p. 60) “They identify with St. George slaying the dragon, crusading to make the world a better place to live in.”

Research participants identified (or identifying) as Type 1, also tended to have high Conscientiousness (Big-5) scores and high Sensing (S), Thinking (T) and Judging (J) scores in MMPI test.

Matt the Reformer 

Judging on the basic outline and, particularly, that St George quote, Type 1 fits Matt well.

His definition of “doing good” is to defend the little guy against injustices and stand up to the unjust strong and teach them a lesson. He is perfectionistic, highly conscientious and disciplined when it comes to his goals - a legacy of his Dad’s insistence on academic diligence, Stick’s drilling, and his internal drive to protect and see justice done.

He is very certain of his direction on the outside, defending his position with a bull-headed obstinacy to rival the Punisher, but he questions himself on the inside. He is often plagued by worries that he is not, in fact, “good” or “just” at all – worries that he most likely internalised from his childhood, from those who admonished “Be careful of the Murdock boys, they have the Devil in them.” Therefore, he feels like he must forever prove his goodness to himself.  He is over-responsible to a ridiculous degree, taking it as a personal goal to prevent all injustice he “can” (i.e. that he is within an earshot of, and his earshot is looooong). Whenever he “fails” - guilt and rage follow. Rage (and violence), in turn, feed into his guilt and self-doubts about being “good”. Sometimes it seems that he is more guilt-ridden than an old farmhouse is ridden with termites.

For all of Type 1s’ practicality and need to control, when it comes to pursuit of goals and facing threats, they tend to make decisions instinctually, based on the product of their perceptions and gut-response. Matt Murdock is an allegorical embodiment of this concept. He responds to what his senses tell him – responds immediately and, often, drastically, without pausing for thought or communication with significant others. For type 1s (and other “gut” types 8 and 9), this often stems from the belief that “life is a battle, and their weaknesses must be tested” (Zuercher, 1992, as quoted in Hook et al., 2020), and THIS IS THE MOST MATT-DESCRIPTIVE STATEMENT I’ve ever read in a peer-reviewed psych article!

In addition to Type 1 characteristics, Matt shares some Type 2 characteristics (in Enneagram parlance, that would make him a Type 1 with a Type 2 wing). Specifically, Matt seems to take pride in denying his own physical and safety needs in order to meet the needs of others, as per his self-imposed responsibilities. This type of martyrdom is more characteristic of Type 2s (Helpers). At the same time, the occasional over-the-top drama that goes with that martyrdom is characteristic of Type 4 (Individualists).

Although, to be fair, it is always difficult to judge psychological state purely from behaviour. So, it is debatable whether his tendency to put his needs last is driven more by his Type 1 perfectionism (i.e. his internal need to do “good” overpowers his other basic needs), or his Type 2 martyrdom beliefs (i.e. the belief that his suffering is immaterial, and even required, in the face of the suffering of others, and that he only matters when he helps others). As @ceterisparibus116 and I discussed sometimes ago, it seems that martyrdom tendencies tend to raise their head when he has faced some kind of “failure” or setback - when he is feeling low regarding his life and identity. At such times, it is perhaps a heightened need for self-sacrifice – to prove his goodness and worthiness through meeting the needs of others to the detriment of his own - that may contribute to some of his more painful (and draMattic) physical excesses.

Then again, human psychology is a mudbath and it is never clear which rising bubble is driven by which underlying motivation.

(As an aside, I do think that the DD-fandom (myself included) has embraced the Type 2 martyr!Matt more than the canon actually suggests. He is often written in fics as forgetting or forgoing his basic needs (including food, sleep and medical care) in order to constantly give of himself to others. I wonder if, on some level, it reflects the real-life tendency to react to Type 2s – the “humble” Helpers – in a more positive or warmer way than the “arrogant” Type 1 do-gooders.)

Anyway.

When faced with crisis and failures, Matt does tend to move towards Type 4 (Individualist), as suggested by the Enneagram theory. He becomes dramatic in his sense of uniqueness and messiahnism; also – self-isolating, liable to be impulsive and making self-destructive decisions. His thinking narrows down myopically to the sole pursuit and defence of his goals. Although his goals as Daredevil revolve around “saving” others, being Daredevil is a large part (if not the whole) of what defines his life’s meaning to him. Therefore, his narrow focus at these times of high stress, and his prioritisation of Daredevil’s goals above the feelings and goals of significant others, is suggestive of a strong core of defensiveness/self-protectiveness. The righteousness of his aims is, in part, a psychological mask; it is a demand for others to excuse his poor relational behaviour on the basis of the specialness of the burden he chooses to bear.

That is not to imply that, when Matt stands up for his identity and his goals to his friends, it should only be regarded as a sign of self-centredness or depression! Telling those, who persistently refuse to accept someone’s truth, that ‘this is who I am’ – as he does to Foggy in Seasons 1 and 2 – can be a sign of positive self-regard and self-esteem. Similarly, when Matt gravitates towards the Type 4 Elektra and attempts to embrace some of her ideals of putting personal wants before duty, it is driven by a healthy impulse to balance the obsessive nature of his goals. Or, at the very least, to share the burden.

Matt is also capable of behaviors that, according to the Enneagram, balance some of the unhealthy extremes of his Type 1 characteristics. Although he is serious and driven most of the time, he is also capable of relaxing and having fun (which is a type 7 characteristic – the balance archetype for Type 1s). Although Matt is perfectionistic, it isn’t driven just by guilt and fear - he also wants to reach his targets (e.g. excelling in law school) for the sense of achievement it gives him (which is a Type 3 trait). He practices some mental and emotional self-care, leaning into the benefits of meditation which, at least in theory, should allow him to switch off from his over-thinking and judging, and simply be touch with his internal sensations without reactivity.

Finally, I think the fact that Matt doesn’t totally disavow his anger but, instead, finds a productive release for it while punching crime in the face, is overall a healthy(-ish) impulse. His anger has a specific role in his goals. Therefore, he has, at least partially, solved the dilemma that plagues Type 1s, i.e. that their anger means they can’t truly be “good”. Only partially though, as he certainly still has plenty of self-doubts and internal guilt trips (see the “why did God put the Devil in me” conversation with Father Lantom in Season 1).

Wagner (1980) advises that, in order to achieve psychological balance and free themselves from the overwhelming perfection of their world-altering goals, Type 1s need to learn that,

“The universe is not perfect, yet, but it is unfolding as it should. Be patient, God isn’t finished with me, yet.” (p. 113) 

To me, this advice seems similar to the idea of the Tapestry that Father Lantom spoke of to Matt (see conversation between Matt and Sister Maggie in S3e13). Enneagram, being theistic in its origin, makes many allusions to the perfection of the Process by which the world works and of the Divine Thought guiding it. This axiom states that all moments and all creatures within this process are perfect in themselves and in their place. Perceptions of imperfection come from the Ego, which is of the mind, not of the Divine original essence. Serenity – the lost virtue of Type 1s – comes from trusting the perfection of the process and the Divine Love guiding it.

By the end of Season 3, Matt appears to have made some steps towards accepting this premise. At least - intellectually. Maybe.

References

Wagner, J.P. (1980). A descriptive, reliability, and validity study of the Enneagram personality typology (Doctoral Dissertation). Retrieved from https://ecommons.luc.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=3108&context=luc_diss

Zuercher, S. (1992). Enneagram spirituality: From compulsion to contemplation. Ave Maria Press.

[knb-matchups]

@cherivale​​

gasp hello it’s miko from q and i’d like to request a matchup please!! uhh a lil rundown on me from my own perspective;; for starters, i’m bisexual, though i lean more towards guys, and i’m a libra! i’m also a full-blown enfp-t. and as for appearance;; i’m 5'2", with shoulder-length black hair and brown eyes! people comment on my big nose a lot too i’m admittedly a lil self conscious about it sksjdjdj

i’m really extroverted, and pretty loud in person. i can say i’ve got a lot of acquaintances in real life, but i rarely consider those people friends and i’m more of a social floater. online though, i absolutely love making friends and i tend to ramble a lot when speaking! i like healthy debate over things and love really deep and meaningful conversations as much as i love small talk. i hate real conflict though, i avoid it like the plague, and would much rather keep things under wraps than voice out my actual concerns.

since i do a lot of stuff — like interschool contests, school paper, clubs, and student council, among others — i’ve gotten a rep for being an overachiever and all. i’ve graduated valedictorian,, but i really am scared of getting burnt out. despite all the things i handle, i admit i’m a procrastinator — i put things off at the last minute because i convince myself i work well under pressure then have a breakdown at 3am fhsksjsj i’m also pretty impulsive, tbh, and while i don’t get mad easily i do tend to get annoyed when someone doesn’t do things ‘my way’ and such. i’m still trying to become more patient as a person and hope to improve on these things.

as for what i look for in a partner, tbh i’d like someone who can tolerate my clinginess? i’m a clingy lover, and i love physical affection and validation. the meganes and the asshole types too we can’t forget that. but honestly i fall for people really easily unless i’m in a committed relationship so anyone who can tolerate me is already a huge, huge turn on. and also someone who supports me during my 3am breakdowns. 100% i will cling to them for life.

thanks for doing these, lily! i’m really sorry for rambling so much aahdjdhd but i hope you have a lovely day! ♡

˚✶⋆｡˚☆ﾟ✦

hey miko ! don’t worry about rambling; i’m so ready to match you up. besides, i have a tendency to ramble, too, ahh! hope you like this & have a great day!! 

˚✶⋆｡˚☆ﾟ✦

i match you up with …  𝐀𝐊𝐀𝐒𝐇𝐈 𝐒𝐄𝐈𝐉𝐔𝐑𝐎 !!

so… i got akashi vibes the moment i read your description ! like, i was thinking of others, of course… but then it just hit me that you’re literally the empress to akashi’s emperor. excuse my trite phrasing but it’s true–

plus a libra & a sagittarius are a good match !

to begin this matchup, i definitely remember the fact you’re an overachiever & you probably overwork yourself too much. with that, i think that’s something akashi would notice immediately.

it’s actually one of the traits he admires the most about you.

but at the same time, a part of him wants you to take care of yourself first & foremost. i can imagine him giving you that look if he sees you doing too much. and you probably sheepishly stare him down because hello, you have work to do & him judging you isn’t gonna change that–

he’s a captain okay- his motherly instincts take over.

to put it out there, akashi seijuro is an impressive student-athlete; he seems like he’s got it all under control, from his impressive academics to his athletic prowess. 

he’s got a list of noteworthy accomplishments: a first year captain at rakuzan, captain of the generation of miracles, highly intelligent student, a talented pianist & violinist … there’s not much he can’t do.

which is why i feel he’s drawn to the go-getters like you- the kind of people who work incredibly hard to broaden their horizons and improve themselves. 

you’re smart & very capable– you may not see it, however, you have an air of elegance & respect about you (it wouldn’t surprise akashi that people envy you)… but at the same time, you’re also so friendly & outgoing. how is it possible that you can be so intelligent from both academic & social standpoints?

you’ve achieved the status of being both a respected peer and individual who people could go up to and chat with ease. despite your impressive co-curriculars & accomplishments, you don’t act as if you’re above anyone & that’s something akashi truly admires as well. your personality is literally golden.

basically, you’re an amazing human bean. and akashi has so much respect for you, like you don’t even know.

that’s saying something, too !  because akashi strikes to me as the valedictorian type, too!

but like you, akashi isn’t without flaws or insecurities. he knows the pressure that comes with the responsibilities of assuming a multitude of roles, from leadership positions to pivotal positions in school activities. and honestly, he can relate with you. you bond over this fact.

i can definitely see you guys ending up being vulnerable with each other, showing one another the side that your peers don’t see. the side where you’re breaking down at three in the morning and the sheer panic you may get due to procrastinating. 

but in the end, you’re there for each other through those high and low points. there’s something about those late nights that turn to early mornings that just hit different. 

you’re both awake, and there’s a shared comfort in being together at this time. you guys get along swimmingly in spite of the ungodly hours.

you find yourselves (after the work is done & over with) delving into deep conversations; the kind that are the meaningful & deeply personal ones which leave an imprint in your mind. it’s in these moments where you guys share lasting memories because while it’s not much, the conversations where you bare your soul to one another really is something else.

on a different note, i can see you guys making it a habit to have academic debates with one another. it’s kind of like an intellectually stimulating exercise you do together. and while most probably don’t understand why you guys would do such a thing, it’s one of the things you enjoy the most when you’re together. because the fact stands that both of your minds are so sharp & i can imagine you both enjoy the repartee.

it’s your way of flirting-

if you guys ever clash for real, though, it’s most likely due to you both wanting to address a problem or event in a different manner. or you both have strong opposing opinions on a certain topic that you stubbornly don’t want to change.

essentially, you both are pretty headstrong, and the type to do things your own way. you, however, try to avoid voicing your grievances though.

your patient levels may be a little different (i see akashi as more the patient type than impulsive), but either way, strong personalities end up having a fight here and there. and honestly, there may be a bit of conflict in that.

not everything can be picture perfect; you and akashi acknowledge this fact. 

i stand for the fact akashi will definitely notice the way you may be avoiding this conflict, and he’ll probably be the one who tries to resolve the matter with a compromise. that is if his pride allows it.

change of topic- i think it may take some time for akashi to warm up with your clinginess, but once he does… you better believe he’ll want daily affection (from hugs to even just cuddles!). he prefers that behind closed doors though.

akashi surprises himself by how much he desires this display of affection from you & only you- 

also, he definitely finds it cathartic & soothing to have you in his arms, with your comforting scent of perhaps your perfume around him.

you guys privately cuddling & just hugging is probably the best way for you two to de-stress, okay? okay.

once he gets used to this kind of affection, he honestly will be displeased to let go. and also– in these soft moments, akashi will be quick to compliment & validate you; it’s in these moments where he feels he can tell you the kind of things that’s been running through his mind.

that itself is a testament of how close he feels to you & he just wants you to be his already-

possible runner-ups: 

imayoshi shoichi

midorima shintarou

˚✶⋆｡˚☆ﾟ✦

 — lily ! ♡

[jameshpuff]

Mars Enters Gemini (31/3/2019) Gemini

Gemini Sun (Conjunct Mars)

Transiting Mars conjunct Sun brings an abundance of energy and initiative which must be burnt up in a constructive way otherwise there can be damaging consequences. If this hot energy were to build up in the body, then it would be spontaneously released without control. Such a release of uncontrolled hot energy would be rapid and destructive, hurting yourself or others. Although the manifestation of this transit can be positive or negative depending on how it is used, I consider it to be generally negative because of the potential for damage.

Remaining unaware of the buildup of energy can lead to accidents, aggression, temper tantrums, and even violence or rape. You will initially notice the buildup of energy as irritation, annoyance or impatience. At this stage or preferable beforehand, the best option is to consciously apply yourself to a positive form of activity. There is great potential with this transit to transform the hot energy into something very constructive and productive.

The creative nature of the Sun conjunct Mars can be applied to art or even better sculpture, and other creative pursuits such as dance. Physical activity is preferred but the brain can also burn up a lot of energy. Sex drive can go through the roof and baby making fits the role as both creative and productive, enjoyable too. You can express your identity through physical actions.

A high degree of assertiveness and initiative is ideal for starting new projects. An inflated ego should be contained if working with others at this time. This, together with your direct or abrupt attitude means than working alone is preferred. In your personal relationships, it is important to stay conscious of how others perceive you. They may feel threatened or dominated, and react with aggression or spite. If you feel an argument brewing or are provoked, it would be wiser to back down to maintain harmony.

If however, you or your loved ones are threatened and endangered, this is an excellent transit for going on the attack. You muscles are primed to act on instinct when the Adrenaline kicks in. In a fight you don’t need to think, just do.

Gemini Moon (Conjunct Mars)

Transiting Mars conjunct Moon makes you feel strong, sexy and brave. You can take the initiative and act with passion when your emotions are aroused. Your quick instincts and fighting spirit can be used to defend your home and family.

Without a just cause to stand up for it will be difficult to control your strong emotions. If you start to feel irritable, impatient, bossy or mean, it is a signal that you need to back off and try to relax. If you remain in an agitated state you are likely to lose your temper or act irrationally.

If you can’t calm down then try to expend your energy on something or someone you really care about. This could range from cleaning your house to giving a love one an invigorating massage.

Gemini Mercury (Conjunct Mars)

Transiting Mars conjunct Mercury increases mental activity, making this an ideal time for focused and acute thinking. Your piercing intellect can also be put to good use in arguing your case and defending others against harassment or provocation.

There will be an aggressive or defensive nature to your thinking at this time. This, together with an extremely rapid response time, means there is a greater potential now for getting in arguments, losing your temper and being unnecessarily rude or abusive. These attributes are fine when in a fight, but no so helpful in social settings or between partners.

The key to handling this potentially provocative energy comes by gaining self-awareness of the buildup of nervous and impulsive energy. If you have no worthy cause to fight for, then apply this energy to mental work such as studies or investigations. Even doing a crossword would release the buildup or irritation and anger.

Without using up this energy in a good debate or solving puzzles, you may encounter hostility in others. This could come in the form of threats, abuse or intimidation. You should not back down from a fight but should choose your battles carefully. Remember, this transit gives a tendency toward acting before thinking.

Gemini Venus (Conjunct Mars)

Transiting Mars conjunct Venus increases your desire for intimate relations. Driven by an intense need for sexual satisfaction, you can become very direct in your search for a mating partner. This primal urge to reproduce is not so raw and aggressive as to make others feel uncomfortable.

Your more tender and sensual side dominates, increasing your chance of finding romance at this time. This compliments your raw passion and sex appeal to make you highly attractive to your partner or potential partners. Increased charisma and popularity make socializing more enjoyable and exciting. This is an ideal time for both romance and making new friends.

You will also find satisfaction in creative activities. This is a good time to start works of art, especially those combining the physical and emotional such as dance or sculpture. Even routine work should be more enjoyable now as you have the drive and creative urge to make thing look or work better. An excellent time to host a party or celebration.

Gemini Mars (Conjunct Mars)

You are at a peak of physical energy now. Your enthusiasm runs high, and so does your courage. It’s a time of decisiveness, taking the initiative, handling problems directly and straightforwardly. You might feel the need to take charge or lead a project. On the negative side, you might be too pushy, cocky, or hasty now. Sexual energy might run high now. Doing something physical or beginning a new exercise program might be in order now.

Gemini Jupiter (Conjunct Mars)

Transiting Mars conjunct Jupiter is ideal for starting anything that requires energy, initiative and courage. Physical strength is heightened, as is your instinct for how and when to start something. You have the self-confidence to achieve major success at this time. It can be in any area of life from career to relationships, but especially anything of a physical nature.

Like with the natal aspect, the only catch is to know when you have gone too far. Over confidence or over exuberance has the potential to get you in trouble with gambling or partying. The good fortune of this transit will only go so far, and you must know when to pull out.

New relationships are possible now because of your extra charisma and super charged sexual attractiveness. Your passionate desires will not get much stronger than this and you must do something physical. Your directness and courage will win you favors, whether it be in your love life or at work. You can impress the boss by showing initiative and getting hard tasks completed. All sporting and adventure type activities are favored. If you must take aggressive action then this is a good time for fighting. You can beat the competition in business, win a legal case or go on the physical attack with full confidence in yourself.

Gemini Saturn (Conjunct Mars)

Transiting Mars conjunct Saturn can be quite variable in effect. It can ignite your darkest desires or give the stamina and patience to complete the hardest of tasks. Natal aspects can play their part but much depends on how you approach this transit and use the initial energy.

This first energy you feel as the transit approaches has a tendency to make you angry, resentful or revengeful. If you channel it early into hard physical work or a creative project then you transmute this energy into positive and productive achievements.

Taking the low road due to ignorance or laziness can lead to frustration and difficult situations. Going with the flow and not taking the initiative will allow frustration to build to a dangerous level. This destructive energy could then manifest as risky actions due to impatience.

On the other hand, this negative energy could manifest through another persons destructive action toward you, such as nastiness or violence.

This is not the right time to go to war as there is danger when taking risks. Stay at home and sharpen your knives, work hard with patience and forethought. Use this determined energy in a constructive or creative way.

Gemini Ascendant (Mars transistor in the 1st house)

You are able to stand your ground and assert yourself more than usual during this transit. You have energy at your disposal to move your plans forward, and you are more enterprising. You want to leave your mark on the world in some way–however big or small–and you are more able to make an impression than usual. If circumstances are such, you are able to easily fight back. In fact, you may be somewhat combative under this influence, and you may have a short temper. Avoid being pushy. Take charge of your life, but don’t bulldoze over others in the process! This is an excellent transit for assertiveness and physical vitality. Love affairs may also be stepped up during this period. On the rare occasion when an accident occurs, it is more likely to involve the head or face.

[mrschangrettawrites]

Feel Like This

Summary: You came to Stephen an eager student, and he would never be the same again.

Words: 3194

Pairing: Stephen Strange x Female!Reader

Notes: Still haven’t seen Doctor Strange. I highly highly highly recommend installing the InteractiveFics extension from the Chrome store if you can. To add your name and last name simply install the extension, then click ‘Need to replace something other than Y/N?’ and in the value bar put Name and put your name in the Replace With bar, then click change! And be sure to tick Store this replacement so that you don’t have to do it every time.

Tagging: @gameofdooweeoo @doctor-strange-thirst-club @morningriseghost  @strange-asguardian @godohammers @queen-maximoff  @quicksilverslover if you want to be tagged in future chapters lmk!

One

Chapter Two

When you open your eyes, you are back on the battlefield.

You have been here so many times you would be able to recognize it from the smell of death and the cawing of the feasting crows alone. You trudge forward, bare feet sinking into mud and blood, easily and skillfully avoiding soldiers that have been dead for far longer than their corpses would have you believe.

In the center, amid the carnage, stands a figure clad in black armour, and it is he you are walking towards.

He is hunched over, looking weary and you can feel his bone deep ache just by looking at him, can taste his blood on your tongue.

When you stand beside him, the two of you gaze down at a man in armour the colour of the moon, and shining just as bright despite the muck everywhere else. His helmet has been cast aside, and a wide river of blood flows from his grey and time weathered temple to beneath his chest plate. Grey eyes stare upwards, and though you know him to be dead you feel as if he is staring at you, taking you in, and finding you wanting.

“It should have ended here.”

You turn to Mordred, and see his deep, dark eyes staring into his father’s. No matter how familiar you may become with this scene, you know that Mordred will always know it infinitely better than you.

The wind picks up, and you slide a hand in Mordred’s.

“Even in death, I am haunted by and lead to betrayal.”

Both of you close your eyes, holding back tears.

The second time you open your eyes, you are back on the plane.

All the other passengers seemed to be asleep, leaving you more alone with your thoughts than you would’ve liked. You looked out the window and gazed into the depths of the moonless sky. The stars twinkled, like Arthur’s eyes, and they had the same effect of making all of your hairs stand on end.

You turned to your left and saw Mordred, the thick black smoke of his form waving and curling, as his eyes stared ahead. “You know why it had to be done.” His voice was hoarse, weary from all the long years he had spent on this Earth. He closed his eyes, reclined back into the seat, but his brow remained furrowed and his lips thin. Silently, he raised a hand, ran a smoky finger along the underside of the overhead compartment, where his mother’s grimoire lurked. “But I am sorry all the same.”

And you knew that he was. Mordred had always been honest with you, a luxury the dead can afford, but it did little to ease your heart.

It had not been easy to find the New York Sanctum, and it had been harder still to gain the trust of everyone there. For a while, you had wondered if they had all seen through you, had seen why you were truly there. But with each conversation and shared joke, it grew easier, and your circle of friends grew as well, until you were able to confidently say that you were on good terms with everyone at the Sanctum. But it was leaving Stephen that had hurt you the most.

You had not expected to fall so madly in love with him, but fall you did. It had been easy, he was good and patient and brave. Perhaps, in one of the other dimensions he could see into, the two of you were happy. But it wasn’t going to be this one. This was the one where you put the world first, and broke your own heart in the process. And you would do it all again if you could. Better to live with a broken heart and see another day, than with a heart that was intact in a world that was not.

So you had to take the book. You had to, as you were the only one in the Sanctum, perhaps the only one in the whole of New York, who knew what it was and what it could lead to and that it needed to be destroyed. But you were not strong enough to do so. Even if you let Mordred possess you fully, the two of you in tandem would not be able to make so much as a scratch. There only two people capable of that; Mordred’s mother, and Merlin. And seeing as the former was more likely to use the book for her own nefarious ends, you had to seek out the latter.

You had wanted to tell Stephen about this, truly you had, but Mordred had warned you against it. He feared his mother would learn of her grimoire’s whereabouts, and no amount of masters of the mystic arts would be able to stop her if that happened. Getting her grimoire back would restore to her full power, and she would decimate everything and everyone in her path, and you couldn’t stand to have even the possibility of that on your conscience. Of course it had been an atrociously huge gamble, to hang around the Sanctum in the hopes of the grimoire either ending up there or learning of it’s whereabouts while there. For a while, you wondered if perhaps you had made a mistake, and debated between staying or leaving and search more actively. But in the end, you had stayed. Whether it was out of hope of the grimoire landing in your lap or because of Stephen, was a brand new debate.

The rest of your flight passed without dreams of battlefields and one sided conversations with long dead princes, and you awoke just before touching down in Paris.

As you cut through the crowd with your sports bag, the only one you had brought, the grimoire continued to hum, almost vibrating. You weren’t sure if that was the cause of your sudden nausea, and you didn’t really want to know.

“We can make it to the forest in good time if we leave now.” Mordred pointed out as you tried to find a cab.

‘I need a car first.’ You responded in your thoughts, unable to properly form words. ‘Once I get one we can go.’

You approached a cabbie who appeared to be unoccupied and asked her to take you to the nearest car rental place, in perfect French that seemed to surprise her. You kept the conversation polite but scarce, as you were still too focused on what you had to do

“I believe in you.” Mordred whispered, even though you were the only person who could hear him. “You can do this.”

And you believed him, but you still felt weary and like your body was made of lead.

‘Is this how you felt?’ You asked Mordred as you watched Paris go by you. ‘Before the battle.’

“Yes.” He was quiet, his voice barely having more force than a gentle breeze. “But it was a different heaviness from this. An angry one.”

It was odd, imagining Mordred angry. You had seen and felt him irritated and impatient and annoyed, but never angry. Least of all the kind of angry that had lead him into battle that day. Perhaps the centuries had mellowed him, or maybe he was simply too tired to muster that kind of anger now. Besides, what would he do with it now?

As promised the driver took you the rental lot, and you thanked her and paid her a tad more than you needed to, and pretended to not notice and hear her objections.

The process of renting a car for the day had been smooth, and you were on the road within the hour. You knew it would take four hours to get to Paimpont forest, if you drove non stop, which left you with more time to mull over the decisions you had made that had lead to this moment.

The thought that Merlin would not be in that forest terrified you, as you could not think of any other place he could be. You had spent years reading Arthurian legend, even before Mordred came into your life, and many sources named Paimpont as being Brocéliande, the forest where Merlin had been trapped in a hawthorn by Nimue (or Viviane, depending on the source). But if he was there, you and Mordred would free him and do what you could to get him to destroy the grimoire. If you had to beg on your knees you would do it, if it meant taking away the one thing that would restore Morgan to her full power.

“I doubt the old man will make you go that far.” Mordred interjected, staring ahead from the passenger seat, eyes flicking up to the rear view mirror to glance at the sports bag in the backseat. “He will want it done too.”

“I know.” You whispered. “I just hope we can find him.”

It was late afternoon by the time you got to the forest. What would’ve been a four hour journey had taken longer, due to having to take breaks. By the second hour mark you had begun to feel unclean and made a forty five minute long detour to a public bath house, and soaked for a good hour before going back onto the road.

You could not see a public entry into the forest, so you pulled over to the side of the road and walked right into the woods, sports bag slung over your shoulder.

“I can feel him. He’s here.” Mordred’s voice was low, and you saw him scanning the surroundings.

That was all you needed to hear.

You ventured deeper and deeper into the woods, trying to find the hawthorn that held the elderly wizard. While the forest itself had many hawthorns, none of them seemed to be the one you were looking for. The whole time Mordred was there, moving within the shadows of the trees to investigate all of them, but remained silent. This was fine with you, as you could think of nothing to say.

Although you had spent the day trying to ignore it, your heart still ached.

It had been purely out of impulse that you told Stephen you loved him. Mordred had been telling you to stop the whole time, even threatened to take control and walk away if you wouldn’t. But you had to do it. If you were never going to see Stephen again, you at least wanted him to know how you felt.

But then, considering what you’ve done, you probably needn’t had bothered.

When you were sure he was asleep, you slipped away back to your room to get your bag, and made your way to the library. You knew that Wong had been studying the grimoire since it’s arrival and he was keeping it in the library, had seen where he put it, and figured it would be easy enough to leave with it.

You hadn’t counted on running into Wong himself.

He had been startled by your sudden appearance, and raised his brows. “Name! What are you doing up?”

All at once the inside of your mouth went dry while your palms became clammy as you spied the grimoire in Wong’s hands. Your eyes slowly rose from it to Wong’s face, doing your best not to cry. You approached him slowly, feeling Mordred rest a comforting hand on your shoulder.

Once again, he offered to take control, to relieve you of having to do this. But you had refused.

“I’m so sorry.” The whisper left your lips just as you raised your hands to Wong’s temples. Black smoke flowed out of your palms and crawled into Wong’s head, rendering him unconscious within seconds.

Before his body had even hit the ground, you grabbed the grimoire and ran.

“You’re crying.”

You blinked and realized that Mordred was right, and you quickly wiped them away. “I’m fine.” You said quickly, going to look over a hawthorn to ignore your thoughts.

“No you’re not.” Mordred was at your side now, resting a hand on your shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

“I’m still sorry.” His hand squeezed your shoulder before he wrapped your arm around your shoulders. “I wish none of this had happened to you.”

And you couldn’t be angry with him. He had been wandering that battlefield ever since he died at his father’s hand, because he couldn’t leave the world knowing that his mother could rise up and create more chaos. He knew first hand what his mother was capable of, and in death he had grown afraid and soft, not even remotely resembling the sullen young man you had imagined him to be since you first read about him, far from it. You had known him to be nothing but kind and patient, and he had been your greatest friend ever since he (quite literally) wandered into your life. You could never be angry with him. But you hurt all the same.

Perhaps it was your own fault, entertaining the notion that you could’ve been with Stephen, even for a moment. Ever since Mordred became a part of you, serious romantic relationships were basically put on standby, until Mordred could finally rest and leave you at peace. And you had grown used to it, you had never really thought about relationships much anyway (although that could’ve been because the ones you had read about tended to end in tragedy). But it had been different with Stephen. Or at least, you let yourself believe it was.

By the time the sun was beginning to set, you still had not found Merlin’s hawthorn. Of course it was unrealistic to expect to find it in one day, after all this was a big forest, and you decided to make your way back to the car to sleep, and resume the search in the morning.

You were fairly confident that you were halfway back to the car when you felt goosebumps rise on your skin, and all the hairs standing up.

“We aren’t alone.” Mordred hissed, and you watched as he drew his sword. It was the first time he had done so since you met him, and it did nothing to ease your fears.

Black smoke began to form around your left arm as your shield began to take shape, and you held it up, quickly pressing your back against Mordred’s. He wasn’t corporeal, but he had assured you many times that his sword could cut just as well as any sharp blade, better even.

“I must ask you to stand down Miss Surname.”

The voice was unfamiliar to you and held a heavy French accent. Slowly, you lowered your shield despite Mordred’s protests, and found that two of you were surrounded by what appeared be sorcerers like Stephen.

There had to be at least a dozen of them, and they all had glyphs conjured and were ready to attack. Your heart began to race as your brain went into overdrive, trying to find a way to resolve this peacefully.

“I don’t want to hurt anyone.” You said with a shaky voice, and you got rid of the shield to prove your sincerity.

“You’ll forgive us if we don’t believe you.” The first speaker said. She appeared to be just older than Stephen, and judging by her demeanour you guessed she was the one in charge. “But you can prove it if you hand us the book and come with us quietly.”

Panic overcame you before you could think. “I can’t!” You said desperately, eyes darting around at all the other sorcerers, trying to find a way to escape. “It has to stay with me.”

The woman frowned. “We can’t do that.” She said firmly. “Just hand it over, and we can-”

“No!” You had spoken before you could stop yourself, overwhelmed with fear. “You don’t understand! I-”

A pair of whips found themselves wrapped around your wrists, pulling your arms behind your back, while two others ensnared your ankles and forced you onto your knees.

Mordred immediately brought down his sword and severed the whips holding your right arm and leg, making their conjurers stumble back as he did the same to the ones on your left.

During the brief window of confusion that followed, you ran.

Or at least, you tried to. You had barely gone a meter when you were stopped, once again brought to your knees.

“Do that again and we won’t be gentle.” The woman warned, her eyes far more fierce. “Now, will you come with us willingly?”

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Mordred raise his sword again. ‘Don’t.’ You whispered to him. ‘I’ll go.’ You hung your head and swallowed, as Mordred very reluctantly backed off, but kept his sword drawn. “I’ll go.”

“Good.”

The sorcerers that were holding your binds brought you back to your feet as the woman formed a portal and lead her team, yourself and, unbeknownst to her, Mordred, through it. The forest was quickly replaced with what appeared to be the inside of a Sanctum, but it was one that was unknown to you. You gazed around the room, in awe at the sight of so much wonder and knowledge, despite the current situation.

“We found her in Paimpont forest.” You heard the woman say.

“Thank you. Did you have any trouble?”

At the sound of a second, far more familiar voice, you tore your gaze away from a very impressive gilded shelf of books, and saw the absolute last man you wanted to see.

“Some.” The woman said, glancing back at you. “She managed to break through the bonds and run the first time.”

“I told you, she’s strong.” Stephen faced the woman, without even sparing a single glance in your general direction.

“Her hands were bound as you suggested.” The woman protested. “I was under the impression she could do nothing without them.”

One of Stephen’s brows raised, and a corner of his mouth twitched, and you could tell he was trying hard not to appear to be impressed. “It seems she was holding back while she was with us. Smart really. It would’ve been harder for us to beat her if she revealed all her secrets.”

You had to bite your tongue to stop a sob from escaping your throat.

“I would like to talk to her.”

“Of course.” The woman waved a hand, and the whips that kept you kneeling were gone.

Even though you had full control of your legs now, you remained kneeling, unable to bring yourself to move from the floor, or raise your gaze from it. Out of the corners of your eyes you could see the other sorcerers leave you with Stephen, but still you kept your head down, too ashamed to do anything else. It was only when you heard a heavy door close that you dared to lift your gaze.

Stephen still wasn’t looking at you. Instead, his eyes were fixed on the wall behind you, and you saw him swallow before he spoke. “You have a lot to answer for.”

[lady-divine-writes]

Kurtbastian one-shot “Spun” (Rated PG13)

Sebastian built a motorized spinner that he's dying for his boyfriend to try.

After watching Sebastian nearly launch Blaine into orbit, Kurt would rather head for the hills. (1721 words)

Read on AO3.

Part 39 of Outside Edge

“You ready, Anderson?”

“Yup.” Blaine gives the harness fastened around his chest a final test tug. When he’s satisfied it won’t bust open, he gives Sebastian the thumbs up. “All set.”

“Okay. On the count of three. One … two … three!”

Kurt holds his breath, debating between closing his eyes for the duration of this ordeal or not. He chooses not. If his best friend is willingly going to take his life into his own hands, someone should witness him.

Well, someone who won’t enjoy it as much as Sebastian.

Sebastian flips a switch. A low hum fills the Ice Cave (the tacky name Sebastian gave to the off-ice fitness room in his rink). Blaine starts to spin, slowly at first, but with the turn of a dial, he begins to twirl at a phenomenal rate. Kurt’s eyes go wide as Sebastian pulls the tether end of the leash that hoists their friend into the air. The second Blaine is airborne, he begins to scream.

“Ahhhhhhh!”

“Woo-hoo!” Sebastian hollers, beaming at his own success. “Look at him go!”

“Is he … is he okay?” Kurt asks, hiding behind his boyfriend as Blaine spins in the air at roughly the speed of sound. If not for Blaine’s impeccable form and incredible core strength, his arms and legs would flail wildly, putting Kurt and Sebastian at risk for a concussion. As it is, Kurt prays Blaine doesn’t end up with whiplash. “Is he supposed to do that?”

“Yeah, sure,” Sebastian replies, mental fingers crossed. Sebastian did test this out himself, but only at the lower levels. Technically, Blaine is acting as Sebastian’s guinea pig. Watching Blaine twirl like a top, his face and features a blur, Sebastian toys with the idea of cranking it up to maximum, just to see what would happen. But he decides against it. He’s not too sure that his parents’ insurance would cover injuries sustained from launching a human being into orbit.

Besides, if Blaine gets hurt because he agreed to be Sebastian’s test dummy, Kurt would never make-out with him again.

Sebastian peeks over his shoulder at his worried boyfriend when Kurt’s hand creeps onto his shoulder and squeezes hard. Sebastian rolls his eyes. Blaine’s a tough kid. Even if the harness comes loose and Blaine plummets to the floor, he’s unlikely to break anything important.

“If you’re so worried, why don’t we ask him?” Sebastian suggests, lowering Blaine as he loses momentum. “Blaine? Buddy? How you holding up?”

Blaine’s answer comes as a sustained, drunken giggle – the highly contagious kind. But Kurt doesn’t catch it.

“Holy crap!” Blaine snorts when his feet hit the spinner board again. He teeters left and right, his fingers fumbling to undo the buckle secured around his chest. Kurt doesn’t think undoing it yet is wise seeing as the harness and tether seem to be the only things keeping him from falling on his face. “What a rush!”

“See?” Sebastian turns to his boyfriend, who’s steadily backing away. “Blaine likes it. And you trust Blaine, don’t you?”

“Uh …” Kurt looks from Blaine’s flushed face, shifting eyes, and incessant stumbling, to his boyfriend’s smug grin. He struggles to come up with an answer that won’t dent Sebastian’s ego too badly. But when he can’t, he settles on, “nope. Nope, nope, nope! I’m not gonna do it! You can’t make me!”

Sebastian frowns. He thought he had the perfect plan, that Kurt would trust Blaine’s opinion implicitly.

Apparently not.

“Why not?”

“Because I just watched you almost spin Blaine into another dimension, Sebastian! That thing terrifies me! There’s no reason any human being needs to spin that fast unless they’re going into space!”

“Come on, Kurt!” Sebastian pleads. He’d never push Kurt to do anything he’s not comfortable with, but Sebastian made that spinner. Designed it and everything. He’s super proud of it. And he proved that it worked. When he’d finished it, he’d hoped that Kurt would take it for a test drive. Then he would see that there was something else Sebastian was good at beside figure skating and hockey. And maybe that would turn him on. “Please? Give it a go? It’s completely safe.”

Sure, Sebastian wasn’t sure how safe until a few seconds ago, but everything turned out okay … even if Blaine’s hair is hanging a little straighter than usual.

“Didn’t you put a lawnmower engine in that thing!?”  

“Yup. It needed a little oomph!”

“And it’s definitely got that!” Blaine agrees. He goes in eagerly when Sebastian offers him a high five … and misses by a mile.

“Look,” Kurt says, watching Blaine fly forward into a bench, “I may be a figure skater, and I may do spins, but I don’t particularly enjoy spinning.”

“This might help you with that,” Sebastian says, grasping at straws because Kurt’s spins are stellar. How he expects his spinner to help Kurt, he doesn’t really know.

But it couldn’t hurt.

Skaters in general can always use more speed and control.

“Please?” Sebastian begs, contemplating getting on his knees to make it more effective. “Blaine and I will be here to help you out the entire time. There’s an emergency kill switch on the spinner, and I’ll have control of the harness. I swear, nothing bad is going to happen to you.”

“Yeah,” Blaine chimes in, holding his head between his hands to keep the world from spiraling away, “the whole time.”

Kurt glares at Blaine, then at Sebastian, and shakes his head, his young life flashing before his eyes. The things he does for the boy he loves …

“Fine,” Kurt groans, making his way to Sebastian’s spinner box, refusing to meet his boyfriend’s smiling face. He climbs up, taking the single step like a doomed prisoner escorting themselves to the gallows. “But just so you know,” he says as he slips his arms into the harness and buckles it tight around his chest, “if you let go, I’ll take my newly sharpened skates and slice you to pieces so small, even science won’t be able to wangle-dangle you back together.”

“Fair enough,” Sebastian agrees, though he can’t say he heard Kurt correctly in his haste to get him harnessed. He tries to check Kurt’s handiwork, but Kurt slaps his hands away.

“Let’s just … get this over with,” Kurt mumbles, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Alrighty then!” Sebastian races to grab the tether, too excited to be upset over Kurt’s rejection. “Are you ready?”

“No.” Kurt takes a deep breath. “Just start the damn thing.”

“On the count of three …”

“Three!” Kurt snaps.

“Alright, alright. Jeesh.” Sebastian flips the switch, put off at being denied the build-up this moment deserves.

The room goes quiet.

Then, the humming begins.

The second the board beneath his feet begins to move, Kurt regrets this decision. He looks straight ahead, trying to focus on one thing in front of him for his eyes to return to after each full rotation in an attempt to stave off dizziness, but it doesn’t work. The faster the board spins, the more indistinguishable individual items in the room become until everything blends to form one singular wash, like the stroke of a broad brush. The world turns grey before his eyes and suddenly zoom! He’s off his feet and in the air.

It doesn’t feel like jumping, or flying, per se. He’s levitating, the world pressing in on him as he hovers in the air, keeping his arms plastered to his chest and his knees locked. He thought he’d start screaming the way Blaine had, but the breath in his body gets knocked back into his lungs, and there it stays. He hears voices around him asking him how he’s doing, but his ability to answer has been temporarily disabled, as has his impulse to breathe. He doesn’t feel sick yet, but he does feel like he’s been spinning for half-an-hour, though he knows it’s probably only been a few seconds. He feels himself slow down, then lower, but when his feet touch down on the spinner board, he’s surprised to find he’s not in the air anymore.

He was just beginning to get used to it.

He may have even started to enjoy it.

“How was that?” Sebastian asks, the question laced with worry as he grabs Kurt’s arms and holds him steady.

Kurt pants before he answers, trying to catch his breath with his lungs expanding again and allowing air to pass through. “That … was … incredible!” he manages. He reaches for the buckle to the harness, but Sebastian’s hands are already there, hurrying to get it undone.

“Really?” Sebastian asks, getting Kurt unhooked and helping him down. “Because we were getting a bit nervous. It didn’t look like you were breathing.”

“I wasn’t,” Kurt admits. “It was like …” Kurt bites his lower lip and looks up at his boyfriend with shy, blurry, eyes “… it’s like kissing you. It sweeps you up and lifts you away before you have a chance to change your mind. Everything happens so fast, you can’t breathe.”

“Yeah?” A blushing, preening Sebastian moves towards his boyfriend’s lips, capturing them briefly with Kurt’s words still buzzing between them.

“Yeah,” Kurt whispers, kissing Sebastian back, forgetting for a moment that Blaine is standing in the same room, not five feet away. “It’s exactly like kissing you.”

“So … you’d do it again?”

“I’d …” Kurt’s eyes dart to the right and the world tilts left. The stress of the past few minutes finally hits Kurt full force in the stomach, surging up his throat like a tidal wave of sick. “Hell no!” he hiccups, throwing a hand over his quivering lips. “Get out of my way! I need to vomit!” Kurt shoves his boyfriend aside, winding past Blaine and running for the exit. He barely makes it to the door before he’s emptying his stomach around the edge of the jamb and into an obliging bush. Blaine and Sebastian stand in silence, wincing at the sound of Kurt puking his guts out.

“So …” Blaine’s shoulders tighten with Kurt’s next hurl “… does that usually happen after you guys kiss?”

“Shut it, Anderson!” Sebastian says, leaving Blaine so he can see how his boyfriend is doing. “Or next time, I’m sending you to the moon!”

[jamfingers]

Some Background on That One Super Famous Cluster B Personality Disorder and Some Brief Meta Tying It to Kai Parker’s Problematic (but Fine AF) Ass Because I Said I Would Do This

Okay, this isn’t a research paper, so I’m not going to put ref points throughout the post, but I’ll write down the full names of the texts and articles I used at the bottom in case you’re interested in checking them out yourself. Some info/pics come from old annotated notes, but I likely will only use those for examples provided by previous professors. NONE of these visuals are mine, they’re copyrighted and I’m posting them for educational purposes. I’m making no profit off of this. Obviously. This is a damn fan blog. 

First off, lets talk behavior and psychopathology, then I’ll get into like...the barest bit of some of the complex anatomy and physiology behind them. Then I’ll talk Kai Parker a little and how he fits this. This post is gonna be hellaciously long, since it’s an academic reference/meta, so read more under the cut:

Personality is something pervasive, long term, and generally not mutable in a person. And individual’s personality will develop in childhood and are measured by rating the general patterns of disordered conduct/socializing of traits known as the big 5: neuroticism, extraversion, openness to experience, agreeableness, and conscientiousness. These traits, like anything dealing with the mind, are measured on a spectrum and patterns of extremely high pervasiveness of traits in some areas and extremely low pervasiveness in others that results in a diminished or troubled quality of life is what results in a personality disorder.

Personality disorders are sorted into 3 groups called clusters:

Kai falls into cluster B - he has antisocial personality disorder (ASPD from here on, can also be noted as APD), historically called “sociopathy”. ASPD is more commonly diagnosed in men than in women, (although this might be in part due to societal/gender biases of both the patient and the clinician, but I digress), with a prevalence in the clinical population of 3.9-5.9% and in the general population of 1.0%-1.8%. It’s rare, but not the rarest personality disorder by any means. No unicorns here.

I personally denote ASPDers as the biggest con-artist assholes you’ll ever have the displeasure of meeting, but that’s not very academic, so I’ll copy my one of my textbook’s format and break this up into a few categories. More information can be found in references.

Clinical Description And Criteria:

“I am entitled to break rules.”

That right there is the sun with which ASPD revolves around. The disorder is characterized by extreme selfishness and disregard for others, highly impulsive and risky behavior (like drug use, reckless stunts, fighting), and unusual emotional responses and fits of rage, but no deficits in reasoning ability. People with ASPD know what they’re doing, understand the social norms/ rules behind them and don’t care. In regards to the Big 5 personality traits this is what they look like (L is low, H is high):

And diagnostic criteria for ASPD on the DSM-5 looks like this:

YOU HAVE TO HAVE DISPLAYED CONDUCT DISORDER AS A CHILD TO BE DIAGNOSED WITH ASPD AFTER 18. Remember an individual’s personality develops in childhood and is long-lasting. Conduct disorder in children is diagnosed with this criteria:

ASPD has a pretty high heritabilty (about 40-50%) and it’s fostered in hostile environments characterized by lack of warmth, exposure to violence, high negativity, parental inconsistency or parental ASPD, and/or poverty.

While ASPD is associated with poor impulse control, there is still no deficit in reasoning ability. ASPDers with a high intelligence quotient (IQ) are less likely to get caught or engage in illegal or destructive behavior because they know the game. They’d rather be free to fuck people over than in a system and can be quite adept at hiding their traits. This leads me to psychopathy. There’s still some debate about whether psychopathy should be considered different from ASPD, but most clinicians these days agree that psychopathy as a subset of symptoms that fall under ASPD. So just like all squares are rectangles, but not all rectangles are squares, all psychopaths (at this point) are ASPDers, but not all ASPDers are psychopaths. 

Psychopathy:

Defining characteristics of psychopathy include:

If you’re having a hard time reading this, the red and blue branches indicate what aspects of psychopathy are influenced by what bit of anatomy dysregulation. AMG - amygdala, PCC - posterior cingulate cortex, MPFC - medial prefrontal cortex. The coronal slices (red, bottom blue) are as if you’re looking at a person face to face - your left is their right. Top blue is scanned from the right side (See that scrunchy round thing behind the straight part? Below the “PCC”? That’s the cerebellum behind the brain stem. It’s in the back of your head, to help with orientation.) Middle blue is as if you and the person are facing the same direction, but you’re taller and looking straight down on their head. Hope that helps you out!

In general, with regards to criminal behavior, high IQ psychopaths are called “subclinical” psychopaths and are not generally studied bc...well, they blend in. They find other, legal or discreet ways to fulfill thrill seeking behavior.

Psychopathy has some actual distinct differences in the brain that can be physiologically measured. It’s typically shown by differences in the the right amygdala and the anterior rostral prefrontal cortex (arPFC from here on), especially on the right side. (The right hemisphere of the brain is responsible for emotional recognition and expression, while the amygdala controls fear responses/recognition and the PFC in general controls different aspects of higher cognition. In this case, it’s likely the conversion of emotionality to morality, since emotions play a large part in fostering sympathy and from there moral judgement.) See?

Integrative Biopsychosocial Model of APD:

Bio (Genetics and neurobiology): Twin and adoption studies show that ASPD is highly heritable, but it’s the gene-environment interaction that is integral for ASPD development. ASPD is an endophenotype - the underlying aspects of disorder are genetic (low levels serotonin and dopamine (the chemical neurotransmitters), or in the case of psychopaths, low levels of serotonergic or dopaminergic axons (the anatomy that receives the NT)) and provide the unique emotional aspects of ASPD, but the social behavior presentation is guided by the environment (early childhood stress, lack of social guidance, etc). The arousal theory, if you’re interested, is based of the endophenotypes and can explain how certain behaviors arise from them (i.e. ASPDers, esp. psychopaths, are stimulation seeking bc of low response in reward systems (serotonergic/dopaminergic)). *I add on dopamine bc it’s an important chemical in the brain’s reward system, but serotonin is the key one.

Psychosocial (mental and environmental): Inconsistent parental punishments, lack of punishment for aggressive/antagonist behavior, environments that propagate violence, high risk-reward and fearless psychology all lend themselves to the development of the disorder. 

The disorder is like a measuring cup and each influence is water filling it until the water level reaches the mark where the disorder presents itself. 

When it comes to ASPD, prevention, not treatment is preferred. Redirecting behavior patterns in kids with conduct disorder is your best bet compared to trying to get a fully formed, highly aggressive ASPD adult to behave.

Here’s a case study from my abnormal psych textbook depicting what the you’d most likely see in clinical ASPD case (i.e. in “the system” , like prison or a hospital):

(See why I said con-artists asshole? Ryan’s a fucking dick.)

References:

“Abnormal Psychology: An Integrative Approach” 7th Edition, David H. Barlow & V. Mark Durand {This is the book I used in my psychopathology class, which is for...understanding pathologies of the mind lol.}

“Neuroscience” 5th Edition, Dale Purves {Great book for detailed anatomy and physiology of neural circuits, and I didn’t get into like I could, but the emotion chapter is dense and that’s a lot of info to slam you with.}

“The Foundations of Behavioral Neuroscience” 9th Edition, Neil R. Carlson {Easy to read and a great general capstone text} 

Okay, so now that we got the science, on to Kai Parker:

Right, so I think it’s safe to say that, canonically, Kai mostly fits the criteria for ASPD, but you’re def free to go back over all that up there and do your own comparison. We all know how Kai is an admitted “sociopath”. Considering Joshua Parker’s behavior, we can probably take a gander on the genetic component and considering the entire Gemini premise, plus the way Kai in particular was raised as the outsider in his family, we have an idea of the hostile and warmth-lacking environment that fostered it.

Because it’s TVD, I do think Kai was written to cater that whole “handsome, suburban white boy gone wrong” schtick, but I also think he’s one of the most subtly well-fleshed characters that show ever produced. There’s this one article I read for a neuro lit course (“Loneliness and associated violent antisocial behavior: analysis of the case reports of Jeffrey Dahmer and Dennis Nilsen.” authored by W.H. Martens and G.B. Palmero) that really stuck to me in a pervasive way and it’s about how chronically festering feelings of neglect and loneliness, of feeling like an unaccepted outsider, drove Dahmer and Nilsen to take their victim’s lives in a misguided way to dissuade the loneliness.

Having read that makes me wonder how Kai, the fictional serial killer, reflects his real life counterparts. The drive for merging and becoming coven leader is something that would force others to acknowledge him, which ties into his “black sheep” speech, his “I was never hugged as a child and my siblings were kept away” complaint (There are a lot of inconsistencies in his dialogued back story that bother me, but it makes me wonder if he ever lied about his past: “my favorite memory is when I finally beat him to death” and the preceding story about Mario Kart with the bby bro seems like something he might have just made up to fuck with Elena), and other vocalizations he’s made about his past which point to him being the misfit and desiring a sense of belonging. While we know Kai’s ASPD is a part of his characterization, this to me seems out of the norm for this disorder, simply because it indicates an understanding of sympathy that is unwittingly emotional.

Of course, Kai could also just want to be able to lord the world’s biggest “FU!” over his abusers.

Either way, anti or not, when using the ASPD/sociopath argument to defend or dismantle Kai as a character, I think it’s a good idea to keep in mind that Kai was written inconsistently. He shows very little impulsivity or recklessness in 1994, one trait which is almost a given with ASPD, nor was he flightly/irresponsible. He always had some end-goal or plan in mind. This was pre-merge. But he was also manipulative and showed no regret about the people he hurt. Obviously, each case of the disorder is unique because they exist on a spectrum, but the pattern and criteria are there due to broad commonalities in each case. The way the media tends to portray ASPD is not all consistent with the way the disorder presents irl.