#i have lost interest in everything and now i just feel like an empty shell

[soap-ify]

hello (going to pretend that i didn't disappear AGAIN)

[foursaints]

the rosekiller fix-it au

the dementor’s kiss can function as a really interesting form of absolution, i think. being soulless isn’t so terrible a punishment, in a world where souls can be split and shared between people.

that’s why i’m so interested in an evan lives!AU. because evan would make a horcrux out of the empty shell left of barty

of the dementor’s kiss, lupin says: “You can exist without your soul, you know, as long as your brain and heart are still working. But you'll have no sense of self anymore, no memory, no...anything.”

it’s interesting that the brain & heart are unaffected, because it raises so many questions of what the soul actually IS. barty’s existence was pretty soulless already. a boy brought up under imperius, always in service to something else. his brain was often all that mattered.

they didn’t send him back to azkaban. i think he was left in the spell damage ward of st. mungo’s, mutely accepting gum wrappers from alice & frank longbottom, not remembering what he ever did to them, just receiving their kindness.

we don’t know what the effects of the kiss look like outside the walls of azkaban, where the inhabitants are catatonic already. barty’s fate is a big question mark: what does it mean to eat & sleep & think & hear & feel, with no soul? for one thing, i think it makes him a squib. i think he can’t joke, anymore. or dream.

but then: evan rosier is a healer. a strange, dark kind. HE knows what catatonic brain damage looks like, he knows it’s not this, barty otherwise left intact. he has always wanted to make an experiment out of him anyway.

evan rosier is a dark wizard. a death eater. he would already be capable of making something as “evil” as a horcrux, but i’m curious at the idea of a horcrux made for love’s sake.

and evan rosier is a twin. he and pandora were about as close to sharing one soul as two people could be. what i’m saying is that if he split his in half, he would be used to the feeling.

i want their helpless post-war domesticity. i want evan, who lost everything, reading the prophet article on barty’s kiss, who lost more. i want evan suppressing every memory, every feeling, every ghost of his lover, to try and be a scientist again. to tend after barty’s shell. i want evan going to riddle house, grimmauld place, looking for clues. realizing a horcrux has been made of a person already.

i want barty’s second chance at a life. i want the husk of barty, wiped clean, who has only ever known the inside of st. mungo’s and evan’s care. what a meager scrap of a soul he had. what an unsatisfying meal it must have been, for that dementor. isn’t this better? he knows very little, but his terrible cleverness is still there with his brain. he knows that evan is the only other person he’s ever met who has the same tattoo on his left forearm

i want evan killing something so good & innocent that it splits his soul in half. i want him still falling in love with the shell of barty, again, this different barty, and grappling with giving him his soul, wondering if it will change him. he doesn’t even want to lose THIS barty, while he’s tortured by memories of the last one. i want them sharing two broken halves of a soul: neither of them can get into the afterlife now, but it’s okay. they can live out their lives, together.

and there is always the sharon olds poem: “So what if he had no soul / I knew him soulless all my childhood”

[dandylovesturtles]

Have some Sidelined AU tidepod duo feels for your soul

no content warnings

---

When Mikey was eight, he wanted to climb a tree in Central Park.

Raph was too nervous to go with him - what if a branch snapped under his weight, or a human saw them, even though it was night? And Donnie had absolutely no interest, bent over his phone and scrolling away. But Leo hopped right up onto the branch next to him, grinning wide, and said, "Race you to the top!"

Mikey had been on rooftops with his brothers before, but climbing the tree was completely different. There were no flat spaces, no ladders, and everything was uneven spaces. They had to stretch their legs or swing over gaps to the next branch, hauling themselves up by the pure strength of their arms. It was fun and free and easy, and Mikey found himself laughing and whooping the whole way as he hurried to be faster than Leo.

He won the race. Looking back on it now, maybe Leo let him win. In the moment nothing like that occurred to him, though - he sat on one of the top branches at the thinnest part of the tree, one arm looped around the trunk and the other thrust high above his head in victory.

"YEEEEAAAH! I WON! THANK YOU, NEW YORK CITY!"

Leo pouted as he pulled himself up onto a branch close to Mikey. "Aww man! Can't believe I lost to a baby."

"I'm not a baby!" Mikey argued as he had many times before, swinging his legs back and forth. "Could a baby climb a whole tree?"

"Hmm..." Leo gave it some thought. "A monkey baby could."

Mikey had kicked at Leo's feet, but he was too far away to make contact, so it got boring fast. Instead, he let his eyes trail to the view around them.

"Wow... we're so high! You can see the whole city from here!"

"Totally," Leo agreed. "Dee and Raph are missing out."

Mikey snickered. "They aren't as cool as us."

"Well, we already knew that," said Leo, grinning and holding out a fist for Mikey to bump.

They sat there for several more minutes, just taking in the view. It wasn't the tallest tree in the park, and definitely wasn't tall enough to see over the skyscrapers, but at the time Mikey felt like he'd summitted Mount Everest. This was surely as high up as anyone had ever climbed.

Soon enough, Raph started to call for them to come down, and with a resigned sigh Leo swung backwards off the branch he was sitting on and flipped down to the next. "Come on, Mikey, let's go."

It was a cool move, and Mikey wanted to copy it. He fell back, watching the city flip upside down, then made it as far as dangling under the branch the way Leo had.

Only, there was nothing under his feet to step onto. He looked, but he couldn't find the branch he'd used to climb up.

"L-leo," he called nervously, kicking his feet over empty air. "There's nowhere to go."

"Hey, you're fine," said Leo, standing on a branch just in front of him. "The branch is just a few inches behind you."

Mikey tried to look over his shoulder and see it, but his shell was in the way. He windmilled his feet, not finding purchase, and his hands were starting to slip. "Leo!" he cried more urgently.

"Mikey, you're fine," said Leo, in the big brother voice he almost never used, and Mikey stopped looking for the branch to meet his eyes. "Just kick your feet back a little and you'll feel it."

Mikey kicked his feet back and found the branch. Instinctively he wrapped his toes around it, relaxing when he finally had somewhere to rest his weight.

He looked down, and the climb to the ground was suddenly a dizzying task.

"I can't do it."

"Yes you can. You got all the way up here, now you just have to do it backwards."

"I can't see the branches."

"So you go by feel. Here, watch me." Leo lowered himself over the branch he was standing on, feeling with his feet until he found the next branch. "See? Easy!"

"That's not easy!"

"Come on, Mikey, you got this!"

"What if I fall?"

"I'm right here with you," said Leo. "I'd never let you fall."

Somehow, that was all it took. Leo was right there, and he wasn't going to let Mikey fall.

Mikey lowered himself to the next branch. Leo cheered, "There you go!" and dropped down again.

It was slower going than it took to get to the top of the tree, but soon enough Mikey was dropping out of the lower branches and into Raph's waiting arms, feeling giddy with his triumph. Leo dropped down after, purposely losing his footing on the landing so he collided with Donnie, who nearly dropped his phone and began to yell.

Later, Mikey would remember the stomach-swooping fear, but he would also remember the excitement and pride as he got better at finding his way, which turned to easy joy as he swung more freely through the tree. And most of all, he remembered the trust he'd felt in Leo, right there by his side, ensuring he wouldn't fall and cheering him on every step of the way.

---

Today, there's wood under Leo's hands again; not a tree branch, but the smoothed support poles Donnie made for his physical therapy. He stands between them, gripping tight, and takes laborious steps back and forth across the training room. He's done the course twice and is turning around for his third go.

He slumps, and motions for water. He's shaking and panting, even just this short walk taking a lot out of him.

Mikey hops forward and holds up the water bottle so Leo can suck on the straw.

"I'm totally wiped," he says after he's done drinking. Mikey can believe it - from this close he can see how Leo is sweating.

"If you want me to go all the way across Manhattan for the good doughnuts, you'll do two more," says Donnie. It's an empty threat and they all know it - if Leo manages to make it even halfway, Donnie will get him any treat he wants. But the twins have always worked best when they're challenging each other, and it's no surprise to Mikey that Leo straightens back up and steels himself to step forward.

"Dee's a slavedriver," he says, tossing Mikey a tired grin, before he starts again.

"Five reps is the goal today," Raph says from where he's leaning against the wall, physically fighting his need to hover. "You've done it before, you can do it again."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah..."

Mikey watches Leo keep doggedly walking forward, holding onto the support bars with both hands so he doesn't slip, and he thinks about being at the top of the tree, when he was scared he would fall.

The worst part had been that he couldn't see what came next. Couldn't work out whether he could just step to the next branch, or if he'd have to swing or drop to it. The uncertainty had been scary, had almost made him freeze up. But Leo had been there, guiding him forward.

In a way, Leo's in his own tree now, coming down blind. He's having to feel for the steps and the drops, grasping for the next branch. Sometimes he hits a wall and ends up backtracking, sometimes he drops so hard it takes him days to get back up. And this time, there's no one going ahead to guide him, no one who can see the rough steps before they come, no one to warn him about missing branches.

But he's not alone, either. Donnie with all his equipment and gadgets. Raph with his training regimens and careful monitoring. And Mikey himself, with his meal plans and creative recipes that hide all the veggies Leo hates eating.

They're right here with him, and they'd never let him fall.

Leo turns around for his last walk. Mikey trots over with his water bottle again.

"Race you to the end?" he suggests, grinning, and Leo gives him an amused look.

"You've never been faster than me," he says, and Mikey can't help but grin.

"Maybe I'll surprise you."

So they race, across the room and back. Mikey makes it to the end first, cheering and throwing his hands in the air as he goes to retrieve Leo's chair.

"Can't believe you beat me," says Leo as he flops into the seat. But he holds out his shaking hand for a fistbump that Mikey gleefully returns.

Later, he'll say Leo let him win.

[runninriot]

inspired by the song Solitude by Black Sabbath, written for @steddiesongfics june song fics

Memories I Have Remind Me Of You

wc: 1999 | rated: T | tags: modern au, friends to lovers to exes to lovers, marriage proposal, dealing with heartbreak and regrets, Steve needs a little push from a stranger to make it right, sad but with a happy ending

The girl is nice. She’s pretty. Big eyes, plush lips, a kind smile, dimples.

Fucking dimples.

Her hair’s long and curly, doesn’t remind Steve of anyone in particular.

It doesn’t.

He does not think about someone else when the warm colour of her brown irises makes him remember.

Steve tries to listen when she talks, tries to laugh when she giggles sweetly, tries not to jerk away when she brushes his hand in a flirty manner but it’s hard to focus when his mind isn’t where it should be.

Did she just ask him a question?

   “You didn’t even listen, huh?”

Steve shakes his head, looks back up at her, tries for an apologetic smile but to his confusion, she doesn’t even seem mad at him for not paying attention.

No, it’s worse.

She’s got that empathic, knowing look in her eyes. Like she can see right through him.

    You’re so easy to read, baby.

He was never good at pretending.

   “I’m not boring you, am I.”

It’s not really a question. The girl knows she’s a good catch, knows she isn’t the problem – Steve is.

   “No, uh. Sorry, I-“

Who is he even trying to fool? No excuse he’s trying to come up with would be good enough because if he looks how he feels, it must be written all over his face. No way to hide the obvious.

I can see it in your eyes, baby. Your eyes always tell the truth.

Steve should’ve known it was a bad idea the moment he saw her picture, noticed the similarities. She instantly reminded him of-

He shouldn’t have agreed to this date.

Not because he doesn’t like her, no. She’s perfect, really. Or she would be.

They matched on a dating app, texted a bit back an forth. She was fun to talk to, made him laugh. And when she asked him if he wanted to meet, he thought that maybe it would help. That maybe this was his sign to finally get his ass back out there. He’d been holed up at home for too long. Sulking, sad, depressed.

Life just hasn’t been the same ever since.

His favourite meal has lost its taste. His favourite songs all sound off-key. Going to his favourite bar just seems like a waste of time - Steve’s life has lost its light, making everything seem dark and grey and dull.

Nothing is right anymore because everything reminds him of Eddie.

And Steve himself is the one to blame for his misery.

   “I-“ Steve hesitates. He doesn’t want to bother her with his mess, didn’t come here to whine about things he can’t change. She didn’t come here to listen to him talk about his goddamn ex for fuck’s sake!

   “What’s wrong?” she asks and Steve knows there’s no point in trying to pretend that everything’s fine when nothing ever is. Not anymore.

   “I’m sorry for being such bad company,” Steve apologises and means it. She deserves better, could’ve gone on a date with someone worth spending her time with.

Someone actually interested in... something. Anything. Whatever it is she’s looking for.

Steve’s not it, that much is clear.

He’s not ready to move on. Maybe he never will be. Because what he had was all he ever wanted, all he ever needed to be happy. Life was good, perfect, before he ruined it all. Let the love of his life slip away because he was too afraid of the what ifs. So he pushed and he fought and he hurt the one that would’ve given him everything.

Now, Steve is just an empty shell of the man he used to be. Because the day Eddie left, he took Steve’s heart and soul with him, left him empty and broken and sad.

So fucking sad.

   “You remind me of my ex.” The words are out before he can swallow them back down.

   “Oh,” she answers, expression neutral. “Bad break-up?”

Steve nods. He doesn’t want to talk about it, doesn’t want to think about the day his whole life fell apart but-

   “It was my fault. He left me because I fucked it up.”

The truth still hurts, even after all those months.

   “What did you do?”

Steve and Eddie had met through a mutual friend, Dustin. It wasn’t quite love at first sight but close to it.

They quickly became friends, started hanging out on weekends, then, soon, even during the week. Spending the evenings after work at each other’s places, cooking dinner together, watching movies, talking.

Steve had never felt so drawn to another person, had never felt so comfortable in someone else’s presence. Eddie was... he was funny, kind, loud and wild. He had all these big dreams about what he wanted to do with his life. Dreams that were so very different from the small-town life Steve had always resigned himself to. Eddie wanted to travel the country, sleep under the stars, wake up next to a lake, follow the wind to wherever it would take him.

He wanted to be free.

But he stayed.

Eddie stayed because when they shared their first kiss in a weak moment of alcohol-fuelled recklessness, they ignited a fire that became too big too fast, making it impossible to smother the flames before they turned into burning desire that took a hold of them both. Scorching its way into their hearts where it settled, warm and bright, making light in every dark corner of their being.

It was the second first kiss that sealed their fate – a sober, slow, and tentative kiss in the low light of the morning sun that wiped away any worries and doubts Steve had when he woke up in Eddie’s arms after a night spent giving into their unspoken feelings as they took each other apart, not thinking about the consequences.

Knowing what it was like to wake up next to each other made it impossible to go back to simply being friends, to stay apart, to not fall in love.

Eddie and Steve were meant to be.

Together, everything felt right.

Eddie willingly put his own dreams aside for Steve who knew he could never repay him for the sacrifices he made just to be with him, tried to thank him every day by showing and telling him how much he loved him. And things were good, perfect.

Until-

   “I don’t understand,” she says quietly when Steve takes a moment to breathe away the ache in his heart and the tears threatening to spill, “that sounds like a dream come true. What happened?”

Steve smiles sadly, sighs.

   “Yeah, felt like a dream, too. But the thing with dreams is that no matter how beautiful they are, inevitably you will wake up.”

And a beautiful dream it was. Life was full of love and laughter and happy moments spent together, until Eddie proposed and Steve said No and the world tumbled down.

Because it was in that moment – with Eddie down on one knee, the simple gold ring Steve knew had belonged to Eddie’s uncle held between his thumb and finger as an offer, a promise to be his forever – that Steve realised he couldn’t do this to him. He couldn’t marry Eddie and keep him trapped in a life he never wanted just because Steve was too scared of giving up the safety of his home for a life on the road with no destination ahead and an unforeseeable future.

Steve said no to set him free but even then Eddie kept fighting for him, fucking apologised for putting ‘so much pressure’ on Steve with his question which- was insane because Eddie had done nothing wrong, ever. He had never been anything but wonderful and considerate and perfect. Steve had been the one not willing to compromise, who inadvertently put Eddie in a cage of his own making.

So he pushed and he fought and he hurt Eddie in order to give him back his freedom, thinking, believing he was doing the right thing. It was only when Eddie packed his bags and left that Steve realised he had made the biggest mistake of his life.

The moment Eddie walked out the door without looking back, Steve knew he had lost everything.

 

   “Where is he now?”

   “Hm?”

   “Eddie. Where did he go?”

   “I, uh...” Steve shouldn’t know the answer to this but he does. Because Dustin told him. Tells him whenever he gets a call or another letter from Eddie, ignoring the fact that it tears Steve apart every time. Or maybe he does it on purpose, punishing Steve for hurting his friend. And Steve lets him, never complains, always holds back his tears until he’s back in his fortress of solitude, where he can drown in his pain and sorrow.

He deserves to suffer for what he did.

   “He’s in Michigan.”

   “Huh.” She cocks her head, smiles. “It’s been what, 5 months you said? Pretty sure he could’ve gotten a lot further by now.”

   “What do you mean?”

   “For someone who’s always wanted to travel the whole damn country, he didn’t make it that far.”

   “Eddie never made plans on where he wanted to go. Maybe he found a nice place to stay for a while before he lets his heart take him somewhere else.”

   “Staying conveniently close for no reason whatsoever. Got it,” she scoffs.

Steve looks at her with pleading eyes, needs her to stop giving him ideas, can’t allow himself to let hope bloom.

   “He’s free to go wherever he wants.”

   “Maybe what Eddie really wants is for you to tell him to come home.”

Her words hit him hard like a slap across the face, ringing loudly in his ears.

   “What if- What if he doesn’t?”

   “You’ll never know if you don’t try.”

 -------

   “You left me.”

It’s not meant as an accusation, sounds like one though. And Steve can see in the way Eddie furrows his brows and tightens his lips, that it wasn’t the right thing to say.

   “You told me to.” Eddie’s answer is short but calm, not filled with anger like Steve expected.

   “I wanted you to stay!”

He knows it isn’t fair because Steve did tell him to leave. What right does he have to want him back, to ask for forgiveness?

   “I didn’t want you to leave but I was scared that you’d wake up one day and realise that being with me isn’t enough. That being in love isn’t worth giving up your dreams. You shouldn’t have to give up your dreams for me! I should’ve gone with you. I love you. I-”

Steve is crying, can’t stop shaking. He’s so angry at himself, feels so powerless and stupid. And Eddie just stands there and stares at him confused like he doesn’t know that Steve would do everything for a second chance.

Just when Steve is about to give up, turns to go because if he stays here any longer, he’ll fall to his knees and make an even bigger fool of himself than he already has, two strong arms wrap around him from behind, keeping him from walking away.

   “Don’t go,” Eddie whispers into his hair, tightens his grip to emphasise his words. “Stay.”

It’s what Steve should’ve said all those months ago, when he said the opposite instead.

Slowly, Steve turns within the arms holding him until he’s facing Eddie again. Eddie, who is so close now, Steve could bring their lips together by only moving in another inch or two. Could kiss away the tears running down Eddie’s cheeks.

   “I can’t live without you, Eddie.”

   “Then let me be with you.”

Their third first kiss is an angry one, rough and desperate. Full of regrets they swallow from each other’s lips, drinking them up to make them go away. To make it better. To make it right.

   “Marry me, Steve.”

The answer comes easy this time - one word, a promise.

Forever, never apart, wherever it'll take them.

[watermel0ns-dumb-cringe]

Okay SINCE I DID A YAP SESSION ANALYSIS ON CONNIE. IM DOING ONE FOR PENNY/JANE. buckle up this might be a tad longer since I'm obsessed with funky lil tragic girls that are doomed to the dramatic irony of their worst fears

Okay. So. Jane/Penny IMMEDIATELY sets up the overall undertone of the musical during Karnak's Dream Of Life. I was admittedly a tad confused upon first seeing it— especially with how it seemed to be brushed off for a good 15 first minutes of the musical. Then- woah. Holy shit. Jane appearing from behind the curtains out of basically nowhere as the "mystery contestant" gave me chills. Her tone as a character is so vastly contrast to the others in such a surreal and unnerving way that you can't help but be so intrigued but wary. Especially with how, like— so many characters similar to her that I've seen tend to be villianized a lot. But- no. She's- she feels more- human. To me, at least. That's the irony of it, huh? She doesn't know who she is. She walks with only the lingering regret & guilt of mourning a distant memory that she might never get back. Cursed to a fate that's admittedly horrifying when you think about it; all without knowing or remembering what she did to deserve such fate. Jane- DEFINITELY has some catholic guilt themeing going on, and it's fun to speculate all the religious undertones and details of her character!

She's just- so interesting to me. I deadass had to pause the musical and stare at my screen for a few minutes after TBOJD just so I could like- take it all in. Since it REALLY. REALLY. Hit close to home for me, as someone who's very much struggled and even temporarily lost their sense of identity, often being deemed forgettable by most— or just straight up cast out and alienated. Being formerly religious and deathly afraid of messing things up and ending up in the bad place was just the cherry on top!

Jane is. Such a complex character to me, ESPECIALLY if you bring (Legoland)Penny into the mix, viewing them as the same person. There's so much dramatic irony and slight foreshadowing in both shows that only deepens her as a character.

She's definitely not dumb or anything, that's for sure. She seems to be pretty damn smart! Guess it runs in the family, lol.

But like- being forgotten by almost everyone, well aware of the horrible fate you've been condemned to. Confused and lost, yet simultaneously an empty shell of someone who used to be "human." Now just. Only viewed as a creepy, unfeeling empty "doll." Not knowing how to properly express your emotions and desperately trying to connect with others, seeking that warmth of familiarity that deep down you know you'll NEVER get back. Nothing is waiting for you after the smoke clears. You've been abandoned by everything you currently know, including "god" itself. Swallowed up whole by time itself like you never even existed. You just want to go home. You just want to feel something— anything. You just want someone to treat you like a person and tell you who you are.

It's. So heartbreaking once you realize some of the implications and slight foreshadowing placed in Legoland. Penny says something about how she was afraid that nobody would notice if she died. There's multiple references to decapitation. Both Karnak & Ricky repeat lines that Penny’s said in the Legoland script. There's so many little details about her and it's just JRHRGSHAHAKJSEGGAJA/vvpos

SPEAKING OF LEGOLAND & PENNY!!

She. Probably harbors a lot of guilt, going off of all the implications & themeing around her in both LL AND RTC. Penny's shoved around a lot from what we know— even to the point of people burning her backpacks & having to avoid the stairs entirely just so she doesn't get shoved down them, risking breaking something. Yeah, she DEFINITELY has her flaws; but that's honestly what made me connect with her. Even without the flaws, I very deeply related to her as well, just as I did with her inevitable future "self." (If you believe in the LL! Penny = RTC! Penny/Jane Doe thing like I do!!) How she just- kinda attaches herself to her interests & the whole lashing out and fucking MAIMING A GROWN MAN reminded me of myself a lot. (I have not maimed anybody for the record. But I did lash out at other kids and have actually hurt them before. Not severely, but- I'm definitely not proud of it. I had BAD. anger & mood issues.)

OH. And then you discover Ezra's existence!! Which. Makes shit a LOT worse! Adds a lot more potential with how you see Jane Doe as well, along with a LOT of potential for Ezra's character as well. UUGauahah it's always the doomed siblings that get me I totally haven't cried over this damned trope before multiple times wdym

But yeah! There's. So many intricate details about everything— the themeing, the implications, hell- even in the character design & NAMES‼️‼️ (The last name being LAMB is just. Really ironic to me. Lamb to the slaughter,,)

RGRHJSSGHD THERES SO MUCH DRAMATIC IRONY ESPECIALLY WITH THE LUCKIEST GIRL IN TOWN THING IAAGKKFK AND ALL THE DETAILS WITH SYMBOLISM I AM NOT NORMAL ABOUT ALL THE DETAILS THEY PUT IN THIS GOD FORESAKEN SHOW SOMEBODYHELPM

so yeah uh I'm. Not normal about Jane/Penny in the slightest! You can definitely tell the Lambs are my favorites JSHSHSSHSJ (Connie's also one of my favorites if you can't tell sHES SO SILLY AND DESERVES SO MUCH LOVE TOO AIAYSGSUIAK)

Everyone in this fucking musical deserves better you can't change my mind (excluding the carnie. That fucker can go die in a ditch <3)

[m0ckest]

🍚 Nguyen-Webb

Happy Lunar New Year! A Vietnamese/Western family, loosely based on my own. They moved straight into Evergreen Harbor in my game. ☺️ Individual bios below. Vanilla download here.

Phuong is the matriarch of the family, her namesake being the Phoenix. She cares fiercely for her kin and raised Hien and Truong as a single mother in Tomarang. While no stranger to daily labors, she flaunts a glamourous streak now and then. Having her family under one roof again has helped with the empty space left by her late husband. Hien is Phuong's oldest child. She helped raise her brother when their mother was busy making ends meet. She bears a sense of responsibility only an eldest daughter can carry, and this sense of organization and duty has carried over into every aspect of her life. She's tidy, efficient, and shows her love through her ever-available helping hands. She met Edward through her mother, who was taking night-time Simlish classes through the university he's tenured at. Phuong insisted the two meet until they both agreed. He's since become a staple of the family, happy to help anyone with anything. He's just happy to be here. Amanda is Hien and Edward's daughter. She's a young adult with a decent amount of crafting experience under her toolbelt. While she bounces between jobs and experiments with her craft, she's more than happy to step up to help her uncle and baby cousins. She's determined to get Erin out of their shell. Truong is Phuong's youngest child. He was (or so he thought) happily married for 15 years before he recently found himself raising an aloof teenager and a semi-feral kid on his own. The timing coincided with his break into the civic engineering field and he almost spiraled into himself from the stress. Fortunately, his support system wasn't too far. Quiet and somewhat stoic, he cares deeply for his children but doesn't know how to connect with them. Erin, Truong's eldest, doesn't express themself to their family much. They already feel like the black sheep, and no one would really understand their fan fiction, fan art, or any of their other interests. (Amanda also writes fan fic but they don't know that yet.) Nevertheless, Erin's family does a pretty decent job of making them comfortable at gatherings when they can be pried from their room. And little Bradley is the current youngest in the family. Rarely seen without his eared hat, he knows everything there is to know about wolves. Particularly, werewolves. His dad has no idea where this interest came from, but Bradley's talked about werewolves from the moment he could verbalize. Though he's most often dismissed, he's convinced that real werewolves do live in Moonwood Mill, they are not just an old folk tale, and he will find them himself one day!

I wanted to make this family even bigger but didn't want the relationships to get lost. You'll likely see an expanded version in the save file, though!

[according2thelore]

ohhhhh man now you’ve got me brooding over es!sam. it never occurred to me before that among them, he would end up feeling always the square peg in a round hole. the pride and resilience and hope he carried like medals in the first seasons gave him a sense of value and esteem, and i can’t imagine how it feels to be thrown into this inevitability where none of himself remains and in fact the bits he tries to hold onto are an irritant to the quid pro quo in a way nobody will outright honestly explain to him. rather than saving himself and his brother and the world like he thought he would at the end of it all, everywhere he looks is just another form of loss. ls!boys would lap up his es brother, the eager (and adorably naive) hunter with ideas and brawn and something to prove, so much of the same flowing through the blood of all 3 of them, but imagine the grief es!sam feels walking through the cold echoing hallways of the bunker, everything just a nauseating maelstrom of weapons and lore books and charts, no john, no mary, no jess, no wives and no children, no living friends, no presence or interest in the world he always dreamed to blend into, and nobody at his side to truly understand or feel that grief with him. and on top of that the things he feels about dean, complex and ugly and heavy to hold, have somehow been tugged out of him into the open in the future and locked behind a door he has no key to and even touching the knob burns his hand - the derision/amusement of the ls!bros even if they don’t intend it as such, the constant knowing smiles like he isn’t THEM like they don’t know how it feels and how much it suffocates him ohhhh man look what you’ve done to my poor heart with these snippets

YES!!!! ANON!!! YOU GET IT!!!!

first off, your writing is gorgeous?? holy shit?? eating all of your words they are in my mouth now i am sorry

but YES

he would def feel like the odd man out (depending on the season ES!Sam is from) because the other three love the life. they find joy and purpose and meaning in the hunt in a way sam lost. the hunt is a tool. a means to an end.

i think it wouldn't take long for LS!Sam to see the bunker, with the dozens of empty rooms--the shell of a home, only echoes and blades and the collected sum total of knowledge of people long-dead--and ask the group, "is this fucking it?"

no one knows what he's talking about (ES!Dean is so excited because he gets a kickass bunker AND a garage AND an armory AND sammy forever??), but sam is shaking because there are shirts folded in some of the empty rooms' dressers. dead men who thought they'd come back, a physical reminder of every goddamn person they've lost in the endless quest for vengeance. everything sam left for.

"is this all i fucking get?" ES!Sam snaps. "an underground crypt? no wife. no kids. no job. no fucking friends? did the hunt really fucking bury us?"

and everyone goes deadly fucking silent. LS!Dean has to leave the room because it's everything he'd always feared LS!Sam thinks. sam has always needed others more than dean does (or at least, that's what dean thinks, we literally see contradictory evidence in the show but okay). LS!Dean's afraid that sam has always resented him for the way their lives ended up, for dragging sam down with him.

and ES!Dean is crushed because this is his dream. he gets to save lives. he gets to carry dad's legacy. he gets to keep sam, all the unnecessary fluff--a mission to keep them together, girls, obligations--removed. and sam is disgusted by it.

LS!Sam just stares at ES!Sam blankly. he's annoyed with him, before something smaller, something pitying, slips into the shape of his mouth. he gets up to follow LS!Dean, leaving ES!Sam to wallow in his own sick. in this moment, Sam can't even empathize with himself.

and ES!Sam is sitting in the blast radius of his own fury. no one will look him in the eye. LS!Dean looks sick before he leaves the table. no one will answer his questions. no one even tries.

LS!Sam keeps trying to say, "this is what i want, sam. i don't mind. i love what i do, and i love doing it with dean." and all sam can hear is i gave up. i couldn't get out. i'm coping. don't destroy this glass house with a hammer because it's the only home i have left.

and ES!Sam still aches. because ES!Dean is already choosing another sam. LS!Dean looks at him like he has the power to kill him. LS!Sam looks at him like he pities him, which is the deepest cut of all.

poor sam. poor sam who doesn't want to die for this. poor sam who doesn't get us, who isn't us.

LS!Dean, ironically enough, is the closest ES!Sam gets to compassion, but it always feels like blows directed at himself. yeah. it sucks, kid. it fucking blows. i wanted you to get a wife. to get out. i...i tried. i'm sorry. it's more self-recrimination than care.

but GOD! ES!Sam goes for a run and sprints until he throws up because he sees the packed strength of LS!Dean's arms, the crow's feet at the corners of his eyes. he sees the easy way LS!Sam&Dean laugh with each other, the way they talk with looks alone, the naked adoration. he sees ES!Dean and aches and aches and aches and aches and aches. he needs something he doesn't have the words for, something he's terrified to name, because does that mean that he's giving up? does that mean that he's the fucked up one--perverting this easy life that they all clearly adore?

and even the joy he finds--talking with LS!Dean in the kitchen, sparring with ES!Dean in the gym, enthusing with LS!Sam over texts--there are moments. small ones. where sam realizes that the person talking to him kind of stops, content. he's already part of this system, of this unit. sometimes the pauses feel patronizing. or excited. or so full of tension that sam is already hardening in his jeans. or sad. and it's confusing, but sam is walking down the empty hallways, passing rooms of dead men and seeking out his brother, always his brother, always.

GRAH!!! lonely ES!Sam. bitter ES!Sam. joyful ES!Sam. jealous ES!Sam. possessive ES!Sam. ES!Sam choking on the things he doesn't understand--the things he can't--that have made their lives the way they are.

thank you for this ask, anon! it was beautifully written! and now i am also thinking about this! perpetual motion machine of devouring ES!Sam whole!

-lizzy

[miss0atae]

Random thoughts about Dead Friend Forever episode 11 :

It’s the second to last episode before the end of the series. This episode gave us the final flashback, I believe. We now know what happened after Tee brought Non to his uncle.

▪️ First thing first, I’m glad I was wrong about what happened to No. I really thought he would end up sex-trafficking to repay his debts, but it was less horrible. Don’t get me wrong, it was still a very dreadful situation. At first, Tee’s Uncle wanted to sell his organs, but Tee spoke up for Non and he got spared. Instead of being killed and his organs sold, Non ended up working in the illegal casino of Tee’s Uncle. I don’t know how Non still found the will to live because he lost everything. He never deserved any of the shits that happened to him. He was abused, exploited, abandoned, beaten and scared for no reason. He was just different and all those who hurt him did it because they just couldn’t accept this difference. I’m glad he lashed at Tee and asked him why he had to endure all of that. He just wanted to finish a stupid short movie. He was a normal kid who wanted to do something he likes and his life turned into hell. I felt like crying when Non said he was a loser and couldn’t even get back to his parents because they wouldn’t care for him (which we know is not true but Non never got to know it). The worst thing is Tee didn’t have any answer to give him because they never had any good reasons to be this mean to him.

▪️ The hardest part was watching Non becoming this empty shell while working at the casino. He had a vacant look. His face was still messed up from his beating. He was also hunched and he was unsteady when walking. You could see, he was barely clinging to life. He was also coughing a lot which made me see that he never really got better after being beaten and he must have been exhausted from working a lot. I really wanted someone to just miraculously appear and save him from this hell but this is not the tone of this series.

▪️ This episode was clearly centered around Tee’s side of the story. We saw how guilty he felt to Non and how he wanted to make him leave his Uncle’s place as quickly as possible. He started to work more at the casino and for his Uncle’s embezzlement schemes (don’t know if it is how you should call it). He also got a part-time job at an internet cafe, where he found a way of making more money to give them to Non. Every time, he saw Non, it was a reminder of how he fucked up. Many times, he referred to Non as his friend during the episode. I don’t know if he truly believed it or if it was just the guilt. Non and him had a weird relationship. It was clearly emphasizes during the part where Tee gave him a money envelop. The way Non looked at him and how he reacted it… I don’t know, I felt there were a lot of nonverbal communication between them at this moment. I’m probably over analyzing this part.

▪️ After this moment, we had a glimpse of Tee’s life with his father. We previously heard about him in previous episodes but never got to see it. Tee came back home and couldn't find his father. He isn’t well and Tee is the one who has to take care of him. It clearly has a negative impact on Tee since he must be the responsible one when he should just live a normal teenager’s life. He wishes to have this life he can’t have, instead he has to be involved in his Uncle’s life to be able to get money and to survive. As always, with DFF, you see, this is never all-or-nothing. Tee has a very hard life and he has troubles keeping himself afloat, but at the same time he didn’t hesitate to use and abuse Non to serve his own interest. He knew it would be terrible. How can he not know it? He said to his father he didn’t want to be involved in this gray business. I think you can feel sad for him and understand how difficult it can be, but also vilified him for what he’s done to Non. If only he had found the help he needed before… I don’t know how he would have turned. We would never have this story, I guess.

▪️ This series loves to blow hot and cold. You start to feel pity for Tee and this series shows you, you can’t. The next scene is Tee coming to the casino and not finding Non. Perth is the one telling him and us why. That’s where we discover Non being dead. He died… I can’t accept it. It may sounds crazy but I had this idea of him being away and having a really good reason to not be here in the present… I wanted it to be true. Unfortunately, it isn’t. Non is dead. He died of exhaustion… This is so sad! Tee is as lost as us, viewers. I know the group is at fault with Non, but frankly I was mostly furious with Tee’s Uncle in this scene (This man is a freaking cancer and manipulator). At the beginning of the episode, after Tee spoke up for Non, we learn from his Uncle how Non’s debt isn’t that high in fact. He should have been able to pay it and move on with his life. Instead, he died of exhaustion after everything he went through, alone and sad. He never learned about how his parents did everything to find him, how they died… The only person who knew about his death at that time was Tee… The only person who cried for him at the end was Tee… someone who made him get to this point. Cruel irony! I really cried when reading the message on the paper where he said: “I’m gonna get out of this place. I’m not a loser”. Shit! That hurts. He was counting the day. I can’t believe Tee did nothing after discovering it. He just decided to be sad and depressed. That’s his answer… Yes, he cried. I also cried. Did it change anything? No… I wish he at least tried to do something to avenge him… anything. Even, if it didn’t work.

▪️ Tee decided he just didn’t deserves happiness but happiness found him anyway. That’s when White came into the picture. He just arrived at the internet cafe and apparently became very interested in Tee. They started to spend a lot of time together. White was this flirty and cute boy who wanted to charm his crush. They were cute. I mean the series did something magical because I couldn’t stand Tee and I still found his burgeoning relationship with White, cute and charming. Being in love with White, made Tee realized he could be a good person and he should do his most to get better. It would have been sweet in another series. Right now, it just feels flat after what happened to Non. Poor White, never knew the truth until Tee told his side of the story. White really has nothing to do with Non and he is just a poor boy who fell in love with someone he shouldn't have which dragged him into this mess. He truly is innocent and I will get mad if anything happen to him. I don’t care about the others. They can all die, but not White. If there is only one who deserves to leave this house alive, it’s him.

▪️ Back into the present, Phee takes the gun from Fluke and he wants to stop this madness but Tan/New is set on making everyone pay for what happened to his brother. He has nothing to lose anymore and he will not let Phee stand in the way of his revenge. Besides, he never completely trust him. He starts to smoke and everyone pass out because of it.

Next week is going to be the conclusion of his revenge. How is it going to end? Will Tan/New get justice for his brother? Is anyone going to be alive at the end of the next episode? I’m dying to know. It’s going to be really hard waiting for this last episode. Until now, this series has been really entertaining and I hope the end will be great. I don’t want to feel disappointed.

[bluemoonscape]

The symbolism of how the artbook cover of Mizi is so similar to the round 7 stage, I think it's a interesting contrast in how similar composition wise they are: Big lights that overarch the picture, the tiny form of the contestants, and the darkness that is the audience of aliens. In the Mizi one, there's a air of loneliness, and in the round 7 one it feels extremely crowded and LOUD because of the panning to the aliens, but there's a similar loneliness on the stage, just not as palpable

I’m assuming you mean this gem (this devastating thing) dear anon

This is a very interesting point, good observation… in the art book cover, we have the arches like R7 creating that huge space only for it to appear empty. Mizi is alone up there with nothing but a corpse—a shell of the love of her life. Like you said, the lights distort our perception and makes the whole piece so lonely. Mizi looks so small up there. She’s just lost her person. She’s alone.

As for Till and Luka on the stage of Round 7, it looks like a damn rave with the neon lights and roaring crowd, but like Mizi, Till and Luka look so small. They’re far apart, so much so that they might as well be on stage alone. Till lost Mizi, the person he perceived as his only hope, and then he lost Ivan, the person he didn’t know was his only solace until he was gone (in a blink gone haha get it get it—) He’s had everything taken from him and he’s furious and he’s never been more untethered to this place, this game than he is now. He’s never been more adrift. And Luka is alone, too. Luka has driven everyone who’s ever loved him far away. He’s become a symbol of the aliens and their control, the very thing many pet humans despise, especially Till. While neither is alone opposite a corpse as Mizi is, they are alone. They’re no comfort to one another. Neither of them has anything to lose.

I think it’s a really heart-wrenching detail you’ve found how all three—Mizi, Till, and Luka—are all placed under scorching lights and lauded by an adoring audience, and yet they‘ve never been more alone than they are in that place. While Mizi has been able to escape that loneliness by joining the rebellion with Hyuna, Luka and Till have yet to face it.

[gennyanydots]

Jake 'Hangman' Seresin Masterlist

Jake 'Hangman' Seresin x f!reader

One-shots/Drabbles

Third Amendment- Based off a text post by “spn-marvel-nerd”

‘Desperately need a top gun fic based on the 3rd amendment. It’d be so funny.

Like imagine you’re just living with one of them or something and at random times you just kick them out bc of the third amendment.’

Hunting season is open - 18+ Please note fic warnings. You just need to keep moving and you’ll stay safe.

Connected One-Shots/Two-Shots

Spitfire universe masterlist - Connected stories between the Dagger Squad members and their significant others. ALL HANGMAN SPITFIRE STORIES ARE ON THE SPITFIRE MASTERLIST

All Hail the Heartbreaker - Why couldn’t the shy girl get the quarterback? Why couldn’t they fall in love and be high school sweethearts? Get married and have a bunch of kids. Why couldn’t someone like him be interested in someone like you? You knew why… Followed by Be My Escape (Rooster x reader) and Have Faith in Me (Rooster x reader)

I'm just now feelin feisty - 18+ Bradley is such a good boy but you? You’re a brat through and through. Your poor daddy. Hangster x F!reader

I wanna feel good tonight- 18+ Jake makes good on his promise to buy you the strap on you wanted. Follow up to I'm just now feelin feisty Hangster x F!reader

Series

I had to let go of you just to get a hold of myself masterlist -Jake’s felt numb for a while. Outside he hasn’t let anything show, he keeps his typical façade but inside he feels nothing. Nothing at all. Even the thrill of flying is waning and that’s what he left everything for. Soon he’ll have nothing. He’ll be an empty shell of a man.

Take me with you - Six years ago Jake had a motorcycle accident and he lost some of his memories. He’s regained most of them but there’s something he’s forgotten. Something big. Sometimes in his dreams he gets glimpses of things he feels like he should remember but the flashes of memories are gone when he wakes up. Biker!au Connected to Biker!au Bradley fic: But this is love I just can’t live without and connected to Biker!au Bob fic:

*Do not copy, repost, or translate my writing even with credit.

*Reblogs and replies make writers happy and more likely to write more.

* I write from my own perspective as a cis female so any ‘x reader’ will most likely have she/her pronouns unless stated otherwise.

[godslush]

Comic "Update" (Rehash):

Occasionally, posts will remind me about my comic and that I said I'd continue it, and I just want to let it be known that I haven't forgotten. My life is just not in a place where I can feasibly work on it.

I know this is a broken record to most people, but I'm just bringing it back to the top in case people haven't seen older posts regarding it.

When I wrote it originally, I was in a very good place. I had a job I loved, which both supported my financial and emotional needs as a creator, giving me the time and energy to do things I enjoyed and create things I enjoyed without having to rely on external feedback and support.

Since then, I lost that job, under circumstances that left me bitter (due to the directed lack of communication leading me to believe it closed for shady reasons). It required me to go back to relying on an unfulfilling, abusive corporate job for financial stability, which leaves me an empty shell, unable to create and sustain my own energy for creative endeavors... and causing that energy to leak out catastrophically if the things I do find the energy to work on don't receive a minimum return of interest to match what I'd spent to create it.

Since the comic continuation would be a huge undertaking, I cannot risk it not doing well, especially when it feels like nothing I do right now is capable of doing well enough to keep me out of the critical zone of my energy deficit problems.

I still have everything I planned to work on. I still occasionally tool with the development files behind the scenes. I still really want to share this story with people, especially those who enjoyed the original run. I just... can't. Not right now.

The best I can do right now is pray I can find a better job, so I can finally start living again.

Until then, the project will continue to be on hold.

I'm sorry.

[inquisimer]

mer mer mer hi for Zevran and Ariya, perhaps:

But like earth heaped over the heart Is love grown perfect. Like a shell over the beat of life Is love perfect to the last. So let it be the same Whether we turn to the dark or to the kiss of another; Let us know this for leavetaking, That I may not be heavy upon you, That you may blind me no more.

ro ro ro hap friday beloved💜 I looked at this prompt tonight and it suddenly clicked as exactly the right way to explore Alistair's unrequited love for my Tabris, so here we go :3

for @dadrunkwriting

Alistair thought Ostagar would be his Great Reckoning. He thought that nothing could lay him so low as the loss of a family so recently acquired, the knowledge of Duncan’s corpse half-devoured and forgotten on the battlefield, the isolation that sank into his bones outside of the witch hut in the Wilds. All of the Wardens had them and he would need one so that someday, gray and grizzled, he could swig ale and bark laughter at foolish recruits who were eager to bathe their blades in darkspawn blood.

He thought it would be Ostagar.

As they set off, he anchored himself to Ariya. The only two Wardens left facing the Blight. If he was a bit too clingy, she didn’t seem to mind—surely she was as adrift and uncertain as he and he thought perhaps she clung to him in comfort just the same. She was the dagger in the back of his enemy and he was her shield against their swords. They were a perfectly matched pair.

Until the assassin came.

She’d lost her mind, for sure. Helping the elf up from the ground as though he hadn’t just laid a trap to kill them. Was she crazy? Alistair asked her as much and she gave him such a derisive eye roll that he wished he could shrink into his armor like a turtle.

“Half the people in Denerim would have killed me for less than however much gold Loghain offered him,” she said. “It doesn’t mean anything.”

And suddenly things were different. Ariya no longer came to finish off his opponents in a fight; she stood back-to-back with this Zevran, her style mimicking his more and more each day. There was no more crouching about the fire with her to cobble together a stew over the coals—at night the pair of elves snuck off together and they took the same watches, leaving a rather disgruntled and increasingly jealous Alistair with Leliana (if he was lucky) or Morrigan (if he wasn’t).

Still, not all hope was lost. Even if the assassin was warming her bed there were things he could never share with her that a fellow Warden could. Alistair was more interested in her  heart, anyhow. He thumbed the faded rose and stared out into the darkness of the woods, thinking of how things had been before Zevran came and wishing things weren’t so desperate, so she would have agreed to leave him behind.

Weeks, months passed. Despite the pitying looks and thinly veiled derision from their companions, Alistair wasn’t oblivious. Ariya and the assassin grew closer, as time was wont to make them, but Alistair knew the truth. Her eyes were warm when he managed to steal a moment of her time and she fit perfectly in his embrace when the nightmares wracked them both. Perhaps she just didn’t realize the extent of his feelings, he thought one night, a great epiphany. After all, it wasn’t as though he’d told her. Likely she was with the assassin because he’d been open with his affection from the start.

In the end the rose stayed in his pocket until Eamon brought them to Denerim. He just couldn’t work up the nerve. But now there was tension between her and the assassin and he knew the inevitable decline of that misadventure must be nigh, so he seized the moment. When they trudged back in from a day’s worth of running errands about the city, he drew her into one of the empty guest rooms and shut the door.

“Is everything okay?” she asked. She was loosening her braid and Alistair’s breath caught. He so rarely saw her with her hair down and the fiery halo the flickering torchlight gave her felt like a sign that the moment was right.

He produced the rose and spun a metaphor of beauty and faith that he’d only half rehearsed in bed at night. When he’d finished, he looked up with a hopeful smile and held the faded flower out for her to take.

“Alistair…” her voice broke on his name, and not in the way he’d imagined a thousand times before. She bit her lip.

“I—you know I’m with Zevran, don’t you?” she gave an uncertain laugh. “I mean…we haven’t exactly been hiding. Literally everyone else has noticed, trust me.”

“Well, yes, but that can hardly be serious.” Alistair gestured aimlessly, confident in his assumption until he saw how her gray eyes went cold and flat at his words. “I mean—we’re the Wardens, Ariya, he can hardly follow—“

“We don’t even know how this is going to end,” she snapped. “Don’t presume to tell me what can and can’t be done.”

Lithe fingers twisted her hair back into a braid and ran an aggrieved hand over the plait. Just like that, the moment broke. Alistair’s hand dropped back to his side and the rose crumbled in his fist.

"You should go, Alistair," she said around a clenched jaw. "Just....go."

They didn't talk much after that. She left him to stew in Eamon's study, taking Leliana or Sten in his stead. One day they came back covered in blood as usual, but her smile was just a bit brighter, her shoulders lighter than they had been in weeks.

(He wished he could stop noticing such little things about her).

When she finished her report to Eamon and turned to go, Alistair caught sight of the little gold loop glinting in her ear and he slumped so low that the arl snapped at him to stand up straight.

He thought it would be Ostagar. Instead, it was the Landsmeet.

Whatever their personal drama, Alistair had no doubt of Ariya’s capability. Denerim was her home and she was in her element here, so it hardly surprised him to see her standing over that traitor as he knelt and gave himself over to her mercy. Alistair held his breath; justice, he thought. Duncan was about to have his justice.

Except—

“He’s right.” Ariya dropped her blades at Riordan’s objection and stepped away. “Put him to the Joining.”

“What?” In his white-hot rage, Alistair didn’t even realize it was him speaking. But all the Landsmeet turned to stare at him and for once the attention didn’t stagger him. He stared directly at Ariya and she stared back for the first time since that awkward, heart-wrenching moment at the estate.

“Alistair and Anora will marry and rule together,” the elf said. Her eyes never wavered from his, even as her voice carried around the chamber. “For his crimes, Loghain will be given to the Wardens, his fate left up to the Joining.”

For a moment, he was absolutely frozen. King? Marry Anora? Why hadn’t he heard of this plan before? Eamon had been talking about putting him on the throne all along, of course, but he’d thought that when it came down to it he’d had some say in it. Or Ariya would and she would ask him, at the least.

But they hadn’t been talking. And that was his stupid fault, but in the moment he couldn’t accept that. He felt nothing besides blinding anger.

“Absolutely not—“ Alistair stormed forward, close enough that only Ariya and the few closest to her could hear his hushed anger. “What are you doing? This man betrayed our entire Order and blamed us for the crime! He’s the reason Duncan is dead! And you would welcome him to our ranks?”

“We are not judges,” Riordan interjected. “Wardens have historically been thieves, beggars, murderers, criminals of all kinds. The Blight does not discriminate and so neither do we.”

“He’s right, Alistair—“

“No.” He cut her off, heartbroken and angry and desperately wishing he could truly blame either of those things on her. “If you do this, I walk. You all may force the crown upon me, but I’ll sever all ties with the Wardens and they’ll have no claim on me, if this is your decision.”

She didn’t even hesitate. “This is my decision, Alistair. If that’s yours well…you’ve made it, at least.”

And he had.

A week later at the coronation he stared out at the crowd. Even amongst all the nobles, she was infuriatingly easy to spot. Ashy white hair in her usual braid, griffon-stamped leathers freshly oiled and looking like they hadn’t been recently spattered in darkspawn blood.

And hanging off the assassin’s arm, of course.

He scowled at his boots.

“Chin up, Alistair,” said Anora without looking at him. He turned his scowl on her instead.

“It is good that you’ve been disillusioned,” she continued, unphased. “It was hardly going to work out between you two. Besides the political implications, just use your eyes for a moment and look at her. Really look.”

Alistair stared out across the crowd, watched how the assassin looped an arm around Ariya’s waist and pulled her flush against his side. She canted her head to let him whisper in her ear and a smile spread across her face, warm and adoring and just a hint scandalized. He couldn’t see it from here, but he could imagine how the tips of her ears were gone pink as she pressed a kiss to the corner of Zevran’s mouth.

“You see?” Anora said crisply, directly contrasting the warm smile and wave she was giving the crowd. “She is in love.”

Alistair frowned. Of course she was; that was the problem, wasn’t it?

She was in love.

And so was he.

[blue-b-bro]

Episode 10

(Ed&Izzy POV + main themes)

episode's theme: Listening to that voice in your head

"Hanging on... by a thread.

Hanging on.

Shouldn't let go.

If I let go, all will fall.

Fingers bleeding down to the bone now.

Can't let go.

Nothing makes sense.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold... on."

“Just let go

Make yourself let go

Make it go away

Away, away today

Life's a hard sad death

And then you're dead”

What’s interesting is that his first song was about holding on, and he was sad and crying at this stage, but later? The “Just let go” song? He’s even more empty than before.

I know Lucius wanted to help, it even looked like he did, seeing how Ed smiled after Lucius’s advice. But did he really? What Ed’s “Hold on” and “Let go” meant? That he was holding on his sadness, the only emotion he let himself have. Knowing Ed, knowing his relationship with his own emotions, I’d argue, that he wasn’t holding on to his sadness instead of living his life. He was holding on to this last emotion, still fighting for his new discovered better self, when everything in him wanted to disconnect from reality completely (I know, I’m throwing controversial takes here). So we have the best kind of misunderstanding, again! Ed listened to Lucius, probably because he trusted him and was really tired at this point, but instead of getting better, Ed lost himself completely (he doesn’t remember what happens after that, if not even earlier). That’s not Ed. That’s some empty shell working on autopilot, completely detached from his feelings altogether. And Izzy sees that. 

Now Izzy (we’re going to jump between the POV’s here). For Izzy his job, his role is everything. He defines himself through Blackbeard, through his devotion to him. Without that, he had nothing. Was nothing.

With Bonnet's gone, he probably expected Ed to go back to his former self, to their former life. But Ed was different since he came back. Yes, he came back to him, but was still ignoring him.

He was worried (he had to witness, maybe not that drastic, but similar shutting down in the past). He knew he could trust Lucius to help Ed, even tho the crew wanted him dead not so long ago. He tried to hide Ed’s real state, just like on their own ship, to prevent the mutiny (why wouldn’t he? They mutinied him, because he was mean! And Ed? He wouldn’t fight back in his condition probably!). He was trying to keep things in order during Ed’s recovery, while managing the crew that almost killed him. Pretty stressful situation, if you ask me.

But the song… Izzy saw it wasn’t right. Ed in e9 may have rejected his pirate life for Stede, but still didn’t look all cheerful about it. This Ed? Rejected everything, without a reason really, without any care! It wasn’t just normal bottling up your emotions and staying in your room for days, no. He didn’t just reject his title, his job, he rejected his identity. It was Ed leaving him behind, again.

We get the scene with Izzy looking at that picture of Blackbeard in the book. Very useful scene. Izzy sees that that man (Ed) is empty. Izzy doesn’t think of Ed and Blackbeard as two different personas, it’s just Ed, the brilliant sailor he followed for many years. (Like it's Ed and his job/title, not someone else from Ed, like Ed sees that) Yes, he doesn’t know Ed in the same way Stede does, but not because Izzy rejected him, but because they were both from the pirate world. They had to be tough (Like, look at Blackbeard’s ship!) Just as Izzy was keeping his feelings deep inside from necessity, Ed was hiding behind his Blackbeard mask, and since Izzy met him as a pirate, he probably was never invited behind that mask. Ed could just not know yet it’s a mask when they met! We know he hates his life now, but in the past it didn’t have to be that bad.

So yeah. Izzy can see, that there’s no Ed in this man. There’s nothing. Maybe he would approach the subject more calm, if he didn’t feel like his whole life was crumbling before his eyes, without any tangible enemy to blame for, except Ed himself. And unfortunately Izzy reacts as any tough pirate would: channels his distress, his worry, into anger. (that’s what he always does)

And normally it would be fine. They’re used to fights like that. Like, it’s so similar to their fight in e4! And what Ed did that time? Nothing. Or rather, Ed realized he went too far, that he was ignoring Izzy too much and later admited to his mistake.

Now it was the same at the start. Ed's taken aback by Izzy's cruel words, but then listens to what this all is about.

But then. Then Izzy says the world “boyfriend”. Ed, real Ed, was brutally dragged back into his body, into his pain, into his self hatred, into his fear, into all this mixed mess, he couldn’t deal with, and it overwhelmed him. Of course he attacked Izzy (it was more like a reflex reaction really). He was doing everything to detach from those emotions and he forced him to acknowledge them. Yes it was self defense in a way, but not, because Izzy was threatening him, not physically. (Well, I don’t know how to explain it better, but If you try to avoid thinking about something stressful/painful and someone deliberately reminds you about it, you would get pissed, at least I would. Now multiply that by 100) So it was basically Ed saying “shut up, we’re not talking about that.” in a pirate way aka by physical assault. 

Now, look at Izzy's face journey here. He looks, what? happy? I'd say it's longing and relief. Finally he had Ed's full attention, finally Ed was looking at him and him only. After unleashing his frustration, his anger, his real emotions were finally visible, probably even to him. And that's why he looks so hearbroken after. He longed for Ed's attention, but could only archieve it through violence.

So, since Ed was finally back, was finally listening, he continued his rant. 

"Blackbeard is my captain. I serve Blackbeard. Not Edward. Edward better watch his fuckin' step."

We know what Ed heard (what he wanted to hear), but what Izzy meant?

Yeah, Izzy calls Ed by his name in private, “Ed”, “Edward”, (“Eddie” if they’re breaking up at the moment), which made Izzy feel special untill Bonnet showed up.

But what he m e a n t? He shows Ed the picture: the Blackbeard in his eyes. Completely different from how Ed sees it. Izzy wanted Ed to come back from his dissociation, and that’s what he did. And Izzy wanted that to stay that way. Izzy was now distinguishing “Edward” from “Blackbeard” (and what a stupid strategy that was at the moment). He didn’t want Ed to be that ghost, that living corpse. So he said that. In the worst kind of way. (well, he probably never had to talk about such sensitive topics before) He didn't want Edward who didn't give a shit about him.

And, of course, Ed heard something completely different! The opposite actually! (guys please extend your vocabulary, you cannot use the same words for opposite things, I beg of you!) He heard that Izzy doesn’t want Him. And he cared so much, he internalized it so much, because Izzy just yanked him into his boiling from overworking psyche. He haven’t rebuild any defenses yet, while he heard that. He was drowning in pain from the rejection (of his true self!), his mind screaming at him, that he is unlovable, that he is evil. And that’s when Izzy said “Not Edward”. 

So Izzy also didn’t want him. Even Izzy. His closest friend. His right hand man. His other half in a way. He didn’t want him.

So no one wants him. No one wanted Ed. They only wanted Blackbeard, that stupid clown. 

Imagine, how does it fell, being full of self hate and disgust, full of painful despair, and hearing that “Edward, Edward!” in the background. Like a mockery. They didn’t want him. They hated him. They’d hate him sooner or later. Ed didn’t want to wait for that moment. (they can’t reject you if you do it first)

He finally Let go (different way this time). He got rid of his heart. He got rid of Lucius who cared, who’s rejection would hurt more than others, because the more they knew about him, be more of him they rejected. It wasn’t detachment from emotions like before, no. It was accepting that evil voice in your head completely. It was that moment, when from crying about your life being meaningless, you shift to accepting that and deciding to do something about it (and I don’t mean therapy).

There’ll be no Ed anymore. Only Blackbeard. And however absurd that is, it’s actually his last attempt at keeping his completely destroyed heart safe. Since there’s no Edward, they cannot do that to him anymore. (“They cannot cut off a finger if there's no finger to cut off”). And so, Ed threw away anything that would make him human, anything that would bring him comfort. I don’t even think it was about Stede: he kept his painting, he kept his ship (even tho he had to still have Queen Anne), he cried every night. No, Stede was very much still present. Almost as a reminder why he was doing all of this. Ed gave up any hope. Hope was too painful anymore.

He left only Frenchie and Jim, because Frenchie was too scared but also clever enough to keep his mouth shut, and Jim didn’t care. 

He went full Kraken, wanting nothing more, but for people to agree with him, that he was a monster that had to be destroyed. He wanted for Izzy to be that person, his other half, his loyal companion, his first mate that was rude but honest, who’s opinion he cared about. Only Izzy saw him fully, only he could give him a fair judgment.

Yeah, Izzy didn’t know what he unleashed. Until that night. After that he very quickly realized they’re fucked. He probably haven’t connected the dots yet, or thought it was because he mentioned Bonnet. All he knew, was that Ed was dangerous now. He never spoke up to him again (really, their talk in s2e1 was probably the first honest talk since e10). He only tried to control the damage in hopes it will finally end. Ed had his moods, but they eventually passed, this one has to end too, right?

He was heartbroken and scared of Ed, but at the same time addicted to those crumbs of attention he's got in those short moments. As long as His Captian was looking at him, had any use of him he was happy (is what he was telling himself to bury his pain).

[soft4gguk]

Okay... whew.

I've spent the past few nights reading "to build a home" and... just... I don't have words. I don't have the right words to say how MUCH Jungkook's growth meant and how it felt to see him go from a shell, emptied and hollowed out in an instant, to slowly finding his life, that emptiness being filled up by Y/N

The gap he was worried was going to fill Soori's life be filled and his baby (definitely Y/N's baby FOR SURE) to be loved and nurtured and cherished and cradled and given all the care and attention and tenderness and smooches to her CHEEKS that she shouldn't have been denied of for a second

And I wondered... at the beginning if Soori's crying fits, her inability to settle... her UNWILLINGNESS to lie alone in the cot was because all this time... for the first 9 months of her life she HAD felt put aside, had felt neglected in the sense she wasn't given the love or presence of her mum as much as she NEEDED it as a baby

That when Y/N fills that gap and truly raises Soori...Soori's ache and emptiness and lack of a mother figure gets filled... with someone who loves books, loves children and who loves HER with all her heart

THE FEELS.... the sheer amount of FEELS this fic took me through was unbelievable... my heart was full when Kook and hers was... my heart was empty and WEEPING...I WEPT RIGHT ALONGSIDE HER when she was feeling lost of her place in Kook's life and whether she meant enough to him when he was becoming... when HE HAD BECOME everything to her

THE TERROR and uncertainty and insecurities that Kook felt as a father who was just trying to be THERE and be ENOUGH for Soori plagued with doubts that he wasn't doing his best by her but slowly slowly... to where he got to in the latest update realising... maybe yeah... I do love my daughter and I know how to RAISE her and look after her... that I'm doing okay as a dad

BUT HIS PARENTS can go get FUCKED- Tae's absolutely right... they have no right or say in the life of a man nearing his 30s but I think he lets their voices of "reason" be an easy escape from confronting what he feels

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND WEIHWGIWGWIE WE HAVE JIMIN AND LUCY WHO ARE JUST THE SWEETEST LOVE STORY THAT BLOOMED AND STUCK STRONG AND JUST GROWS AND FLOURISHES and I FELT PAIN when Y/N saw Lucy slotting into their lives but not herself because she DOESNT KNOW KOOK LOVES HER OR NOT BUT BABY HE DOES.... MY HEART WENT OUT TO HER SO MUCH

Ngl... Kook wasn't the only one tearing up when Soori turned one because it was a real milestone moment for him as a father, her as a baby, Y/N as a mother figure cataloguing that moment for him on his polaroid but also BABY SOORI?!?!? STOP GROWING SO FAST MY HEART CANT TAKE IT

Like watching her grow as a baby just ACHES... my heart aches... and every chapter I felt sorely DENIED SOORI HUGS-- COS SHE'S A HUGGER AND SHE DESERVES ALL THE HUGS AND I WANT A SOORI HUG

I ALSO WANT Y/N TO STOP FEELING SO INSECURE AND CERTAIN SO JUNGKOOK STOP RUNNING AWAY FROM HER AND RUN TO HER... RUN TO HER AND HOLD HER AND TELL HER YOU LOVE HER... YOU FEEL IT, YOU THINK IT... NOW SAY IT TOO!! DGIWEHGHWEGEWGB

BUT THE ANGST WAS ANGSTING... THE ROMANCE WAS ROMANCING... THE SPICE WAS SPICING... THE FLUFF WAS FLUFFING AND I AM SO IN LOVE

Thank you for writing and sharing Soori and JK's story of parenthood, babyhood and for giving Y/N the growth as a person finding her feet and finding it's OKAY to not go headfirst into your planned out career and life... that this too is just SIGH EVERYTHING

I love love loved reading, loved binging, can't WAIT for more (is there a taglist I could be added to pleeeeease?) and to see their characters grow!

OH MY GOD. you have no idea how much this made me smile whilst I was in agony and sinking into my misery mid illness (im dramatic hehe). but this was such an amazing thing to share with anyone, let alone with me!! so first of all, THANK YOU. for being so interested in my writing and for sending so much love my way, I appreciate it more than you'll ever know.

I agree with you. I love seeing how much oc loves Soori too!! and how much affection she shows her, something jk was so worried she'd feel the absence of when it all first exploded. she truly did feel that gap and it makes my heart clench istg. I also agree with you in her restlessness deriving from the fact that she was needing that mother figure, as amazing of as a dad as jungkook is, and as much love as he gave her, she's just a little baby. looking for that love comes instinctively to her. and seeing how much better she got after oc came into her life makes me so happy 😩

and uuuuuugh I KNOW. I hate his parents. im actually dreading having to include them in the next chapter I have to write because I just find them insufferable lmao. but tae is such a good voice of reason, and such a good friend. I cannot emphasise enough how much I LOOOOVE writing him, and writing their little talks. of all of them love him so much and they show him such good guidance.

I LOVE JIMIN AND LUCY!!!! I beg, ask for more of them so I can write interludes about them 😭😭 they're so sweet. but no, yeah. I'm not gonna get into it because chapter fourteen has a lot of what you just said and im dyyyyying to see what you think because this ask felt so spot on, almost like you were reading what I was writing behind my back hehehe.

ALSO I KNOW. SOORI IS A HUGGER AND SHE IS GROWING WAY TOO FAST. it makes my heart ache but also im so proud of her she's the best baby ever istg!!!

I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE ENJOYING THE STORY SO MUCH AND THAT IT'S TICKLING ALL OF YOUR SPOTS!!! also, I love that you're taking such good life advice from oc's story, because you are sooo right. it is completely okay to not dive in headfirst into whatever your career choice dictates, or society. or your parents. follow your heart, because that's what she would do!!!

I love you, truly, from the bottom of my heart. I hope you enjoy the next chappie!!! do let me know <3333 kisses & hugs always.

[a-writers-blurbs]

UNTITLED WIP

This is just something that randomly popped in my head. I'm thinking I might continue this & make it a full story. Idk yet though. I'm posting it on a few platforms to see if there's any interest before I spend the time writing the rest.

Sweat ran down her face mixing with blood and tears. For once, the blood wasn't Kagomes. But that didn't make things any better. Naraku had finally made his move and she only managed to get through the toughest battle of her life by the skin of her teeth.

Her riki mixed with both Inuyasha and Sesshoumarus combined strength had managed to bring down the vile hanyu once and for all.

It should have been perfect. They should have been safe at last! But even though the world hadn't ended...the victorious group wasn't so lucky. Looking around the battlefield Kagome became distraught. The mangled and broken bodies of her friends littered the ground.

Sango and Miroku were huddled next to each other with a sword skewering them together. Kirara was torn in two while Jaken was a mere green smear on the ground. Ah-Un had been beheaded, and his body was torn to pieces. Kikyo was nowhere to be found and Inuyasha and Sesshoumaru lay with gaping holes in their chests, a final 'fuck you' from Naraku she supposed. Even the children weren't spared as Shippo, Rin, and Kohaku lay piled together in the bushes.

Unconsciously she wished with all her heart and soul for everyone to get another chance because none of them.deserved this. They fought too hard for too long to just end in their demise.

She watched as the jewels light slowly faded to nothingness leaving behind an empty shell, like the hollow eyes of her group staring back at her accusingly. There was no way that its magic could return to the land of the living after it left the physical realm.

But it just didn't feel right. Everything about this situation felt wrong. The smell of burnt flesh filled her nose. It reminded her too much of how she lost control over her powers.

'I did this' a voice in the back of her mind whispered. Her breathing became shallow and uneven. This couldn't be real! Tears began streaming down her face mixing with the blood trickling out from underneath her ear and down her neck. Kagome wanted to scream but found that she couldn't produce enough air to let loose.

They were dead, the jewel wasn't showing signs of magic, and she didn't know what to do.

All Kagome knew is the feeling of helplessness. She felt hopeless, like she was going to break down if she tried to speak and everything went black. A sharp pain ripped through her head making her fall to her knees as her vision blurred and then turned completely white.

xxx

She woke up hours later near the bone eaters well disoriented and confused. "What's going on? How did I get here?"

"I brought you here." The cold voice of kikyo broke through Kagomes daze and she stared in wonder at what she was seeing. Kikyo was now alive. Truly alive. She could sense her living spirit and aura, unfortunately they were both tainted with jealousy and bitterness.

"You don't belong here copy. It's time you returned to your era once and for all."

She said her voice filled with hatred.

"How are you still alive? I watched Naraku kill you!" Kagome replied. The question felt more desperate than anything else she'd said in quite some time.

She needed answers. The truth.

If she was alive, that meant something must have happened. Something that changed everything.

"You can't continue living in my time if i am.to live my life beside Inuyasha." Kikyo spat. "But, he's dead. Everyone is!"

"Foolish copy! The power of the shikon has brought them back, stronger than before. The battle has been won and your quest is done. You are no longer needed. Go home."

"No! I'm not going anywhere until I know what happened!" Kagome shouted, standing up abruptly. Despite her injuries she remained defiant and stood tall, despite shrinking under her previous incarnations narrow gaze.

"Don't be so foolish! If you remain here, I'll have no choice but to kill you. You'll just die alone and unwanted! Leave!"

"No! Why should I leave jist because you dont want me here?!"

But instead if replying Kikyo physically retaliated instead. With a shove and a scream, Kagome felt herself falling backwards into darkness. Once again, she was plunged into oblivion.

xxx

When she opened her eyes once more it was bright and noisy. She groaned as a wave of dizziness overwhelmed her. Slowly, she lifted her hand to shield her face. As she moved her hand away, however, a gasp left her lips when she saw someone standing over her. She was surprised when she recognized who it was but before she could say anything, the figure leaned closer towards her. Her breath caught in her throat. "Kagome? When did you get home?"

[neon-junkie]

I’m posting a few thoughts and feelings here about my abuser, and the healing process.

It’s a slow process, far slower than I thought it’d be. Even now, 3 years free of him, I’m still healing. I have days when I feel incredible, where I feel fully healed and ready to take on another relationship. And then there are days when even the thought of someone having an interest in me can break me down to tears.

The first year was nothing but fear. I barely socialised. Thankfully, that year was spent during lockdown, and I honestly loved spending that time alone. I had all the time and space to heal, however I needed, whenever I needed. I spent that time watching films, gaming, crying, reorganising my living space; I did anything and everything to erase my abusers fingerprints from my apartment - my safe space.

Now, whilst I do feel ‘healed’ most of the time, I have moments where I see him. It’s weird, like a flashback, but in the moment. I could have a random person, a coworker, a friend, say or do something that was similar to what he would do, and in that moment, I’ll see him. My coworker once said a phrase that he often used, and I could picture him there, right in front of me, saying that crap to my face.

I know not everybody will agree with this, but out of all the healing methods that I’ve tried, spite has done the most to help me. It’s okay to hate someone, to loathe them, to despise them. Again, not everybody will agree with this, but I wish death on my abuser. How could you spend years on end abusing, harassing, manipulating someone, and expect to get off scot-free? Why is it acceptable for him to almost push me to the brink of suicide, but I can’t simply say “I wish that guy would drop dead”?

Spite has fuelled me. Spite is the thing that helps me heal. My abuser took everything from me, he broke me down until I was nothing but an empty void - no personality, no feelings, no interests, just a shell - and I have chosen to put myself back together, purely through spite.

I hope he loathes that I’m still here, existing, rebuilding, thriving without him. My grudge against him, my anger, my hatred, will be taken to the grave with me. I will never forgive him for the years of torture that he dumped on me, and why should I? I understand that some people do forgive those who wronged them, but people also need to understand that it’s okay NOT to do that. It’s okay to say, “no, fuck you. You did so much shit to me, and I’m never going to forgive you for it!”

Forgiveness is not a key for everyone. It’s not always going to take the weight off your shoulders, or heal the crack in your heart. For some people, it might make things worse. It’s best to do what YOU want. I remember doing a lot of digging on how to heal from an abusive relationship, and so many people suggested forgiveness. To this day, the thought makes me sick. If you can forgive your abuser, that’s fine! But I can’t. I won’t. I don’t want to.

Another thing that’s really helped me is removing every single part of him from my life. And I don’t just mean deleting photos of us, we’re talking everything.

I have gone through my entire apartment, over and over, and removed every item that reminds me of him. Sure, I’ve had to remove a lot of nice items, but that’s because there are too many negative emotions tied in with them.

Some of my clothes, for example, are gorgeous, but as nice as they are, every time I even look at them, all I can think about is abusive memories from when I was wearing them. I wore a gorgeous dress for my 20th birthday, and I had to scrap that because that’s the night he first made me break down into tears, on my own fucking birthday! Another pair of heels I had to scrap because I struggled to run in them when I was trying to catch up to him after he stormed away from me over nothing. Stupid shit. STUPID, abusive shit, and I’m having to get rid of nice items because of his crap.

But not all is lost. I’ve taken this opportunity to rebuild my wardrobe, to pick things out that I know he’d hate, but I’ve always loved. I remember when I was getting ready for my 21st birthday, and I picked out a very skimpy dress. I was SO nervous (but excited) to wear it, and as soon as I showed him, his face dropped, and he said something along the lines of, “you’re really going out in that? you look like a cheap and desperate whore.”

So, I got changed into a turtleneck dress with long sleeves, and all he said to that was “much better.” I actually liked that dress too, but I also had to scrap that because of the memories attached to it.

And now I can dress however the fuck I want!! I love being revealing. Why would I not flex the body I was born with? I love (most of) myself, and my body confidence has especially grown over the years. Fuck, I deserve to look good, to dress good, to be happy in my own skin!!!!

I am totally rambling now, and hey, I deserve to. It’s been 3 years, three fucking years without that shitbag, and I will only continue to grow and heal. I refuse to take a step back. I refuse to fall back into his little traps. Through spite, I will flourish. I WILL come out on top of this, and one day, I’ll look into where he is, and I’ll thrive in knowing that he’s suffering. Karma comes to all, it balances everything out; whilst he is enjoying life right now, the scales will tip in my favour, and he’ll end up sad and miserable. All his years of being a piece of shit will come back to bite him in the ass, and I can’t wait to sit back and enjoy the show!