#i have lived with her my entire life
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an-absolute-nightmare · 7 months ago
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dude i have issues
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Do you know this queer character?
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Castiel is Queer and Agender or Genderfluid, and uses varying pronouns based on presentation!
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silusvesuius · 5 months ago
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nnnnnnnnnnnnno maa'am
#my want to draw traditionally literally split me open for the past week and leaves me literally depressed i'm so serious i can't even look -#- @ my art programs without wanting to throw up omfg should;ve never picked up those pencils#but it's ok i just needed a nap#something so relatable about them i think nelvas has something in it for everyone meanwhile eltl is secluded art museum.#it's very possible to walk around in neloth's and talvas' brains but eltl is off limits. they will NOT! get no drawings like this outta me#wtf r they thinking ........#< eltl not nelvas#something nobody on dis earth can understand ..........#talvas wants to live he likes living but neloth's presence is so strong that it overrides and deletes his will to live.#bruuuuuuuuh#i bet the feeling of neloff is in everything he does if they ever part ways he won't be able to fold clothes or anythign without wanting -#- 2 cry . for what reason . idk bc neloth once yelled at him for folding clothes like shit .what am i on rn#(talvas thoughts mode) I want this old man to hug meeee😢😢😢#NELOFF DO IT and smash him too before i do it first .#me and neloth are the same person tho so it doesn;t matter but w/e#i'm getting emotional over them right now this cannot be real#i love her .... (Skyr1m)#i opened the game for .5 minutes today to take pics of a character uight what a beautiful game.#Te/s having such extensive lore ruins the whole entire game and the franchise but whatever . skyr1m is an art piece that's just how i feel#also this might be a very hard pill to swallow for some people but t*lvas is literally a kin Vessel for young women that keep getting -#- hit on by men twice or thrice their age when they're just trying to live their life .#this feels so profound to me i need dis shit inmy discord bio right NOEW.#Talvas................................#(eyes watering) (holding palm out)#suicide //#just in case but this tag would've gone crazy with my drawings of ulfr*c from late 2022 where i drew him with slit wrists. very artsay#is it not. i didn't like neither of those drawings tho i need to revisit cus i can feel ulfr*c on a diffaraaant level#when will i run out of tags. the way you can tell i just LUH talvas look at me drawing his hair in that second pic 😑BRU#look at me also trying to replicate pencils digitally in the first.. hmmm i don't hate it#at least it soothes me and i don't have pencil withdrawal
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gingermintpepper · 4 months ago
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Obsessed with the way Evadne's relationship with Apollo is described. Obsessed with the way Apollo was especially gentle with her because she was sheltered, hidden away and hadn't had any sort of experience with love prior to Apollo (and due to it being described as her 'first learning Aphrodite's joy' through Apollo', it was probably her first time even being attracted to someone). Obsessed with the way when she runs away, she stops in a violet patch to give birth. Y'know, violets, very famously the flower so strongly associated with Aphrodite that they were used in love potions? Those violets. Obsessed with the way that when Apollo realised his lover was going to have to deliver their child alone, he sent BOTH the goddess of childbirth and ALL THREE OF THE FATES to help and support her. Obsessed with the way that Apollo sends snakes to feed his baby honey straight from their fangs because Evadne abandons their son out of straight primal fear when her stepfather finds her and how the description of that honey is 'sweet venom' [ἰός] of the bees and is DEFINITELY a poetic pair/pun with [ἴον] aka violets and that every single thing about this relationship, conception and birth is a complete and utter fairytale down to Evadne's insanely overprotective stepfather having an immediate change of heart when he learned Evadne's child was an actual, legitimate Son of Apollo and the babe, after being cared for by his dad's honey-fanged snake buddies, was found perfectly healthy five days later swaddled in a blanket of violets (y'know the flowers so strongly associated with Aphrodite that they were used for lo-) and they called him Iamus aka Boy of the Violets which is AAAAAARRRR I AM GNAWING AT MY ENCLOSURE
Iamus was made of love. Everything about him was surrounded by deep and profound love and like, let's not even talk about his whole Thing of when he came of age and was like "I need to find out what my purpose is" and he literally had a Disney Protagonist moment where he ran out into the wilds and was like "Father!! Grandfather!! Tell me what I'm supposed to doooo!!" and then APOLLO FUCKING ANSWERED AND LED HIM TO ONE HIS TEMPLES ENTIRELY BY TALKING WITH IAMUS AND LETTING HIM FOLLOW HIS VOICE FOR THE WHOLE JOURNEY LIKE -
What do y'all know about the kind of SSS tier romantic escapades Apollo had fr?
#ginger rambles#NO BECAUSE WHAT DO Y'ALL KNOW ABOUT APOLLO AND EVADNE FR#They're a MAD underrated couple and their story is what everyone wishes Hades/Persephone was#Evadne actually WAS sheltered and overprotected because she was a daughter of Poseidon explicitly given to Aepytus to watch over#And Aepytus to his credit wasn't actually a bad man or anything he just took his job very very seriously#Super pious guy - even though he was positively incandescent when he found out Evadne was pregnant he didn't hit her or anything#He just was like “Get me my HORSE I am going to consult the GODS about my DAUGHTER'S HARLOTRY”#Evadne was fucking terrified of him though she hid that pregnancy like her life depended on it#And the minute she heard horse hooves even though she had just finished giving birth she dropped Iamus like he was molten and fucking ran#I could only imagine Aepytus having set up a baby shower or something cause he was overjoyed by the oracle and Evadne gets home thinking#she's going to get Dungeon'd only for Aepytus to hug her and be like “You should've told me you were seeing Apollo sob emoji sob emoji”#God I'm sure Evadne had a bunch of trauma to work through with her stepfather changing his whole entire attitude on a complete#Apollo doesn't directly interfere with their lives after Iamus is born up until Iamus comes looking for him but he was definitely keeping#a very close eye on them all through their lives#Ugh I'm sick I'm so sick in the head thinking about them#apollo#evadne#iamus#greek mythology#ginger chats about greek myths
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pettyprocrastination · 2 years ago
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whoever this beloved anon was I am so touched by your kindness! You definitely didn’t have to do this but I am so happy you enjoy this idea and I will happily expand upon it for you!
this is just a collection of word vomit bullet points for the time being but I will happily answer any and all questions about this pair!!
warnings: violence, angst, child death (Sarah Miller), foul language, the same warnings that apply to tlou, reader is Sarah's mom and described as having similar features to her. 
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So the general Idea is that you and Joel are happily married before the outbreak. 
You had been Sarah's mother, his high school sweetheart he got pregnant when neither of you were old enough to have any reaction to the pregnancy test other than a fucking panic attack in one another’s arms. but you made it work 
you both worked but made time for one another and your sweet girl, going to museums every other weekend and joel insisting on swooping you off for a date every now and then 
nothing special. He knows you’re more of a diner gal than anything too fancy that makes you both feel out of place. 
On his birthday in 2003, you had planned to tell him that you were pregnant again. But the memories of your own fears of motherhood from all those years ago begin to swirl through your head again and you get cold feel. deciding to tell him the morning after
it is his birthday afterall, you want to focus on him. 
but when you’re woken up in the middle of the night because tommy needs to get bailed out, Joel kisses you sweetly one last time before promising he’ll be back and you can’t shake the feeling that something bad is happening. 
its you that shakes sarah awake that night. shouting at her to put on her shoes when she’s still rubbing the sleep from her eyes because you’ve been listening to the radio for the past two hours, calling joel again and again and again praying for him to fucking pick up but to no avail. 
Sarah, bless your little girl’s bleeding heart is the one who insists you check on the adler’s against your better suspicions and when you find the eldest looming over her daughter, blood and sinew dripping from her mouth, you grab your daughter hand and burst into a full sprint until something slams into your back and sends you tumbling onto their front lawn
its how joel finds you, struggling to keep the once sweet old woman, whose now nothing more than dead eyes and gnashing teeth straining to snap at your pulse point as you push against her while sarah shrieks before your husband runs forward and cracks her skull with a wrench. 
there’s hardly a moment of pause, just enough for him to pull you up and into his arms before he’s ushering you both into the car with an urgency. 
when the truck crashes, you get separated from them. Perhaps at Tommy’s side when the flames rise and create a wall, separating you from your husband, or maybe pulled into the mob of chaos when trying to escape from those already infected-
all joel knows is that you promise you’ll find him: just get sarah to safety and you’ll meet him at the river
Poor thing is already so frightened, held in her father’s arms with tears streaming down her face insisting they can’t leave you they just can’t but her father kisses her forehead and reassures her its going to be okay 
“we just need to be brave, okay babygirl? Your mama’s real tough, she’s gonna be alright.” 
he isn’t sure if he’s saying it to his daughter or himself. 
but when he comes to the river you aren’t there. Only a soldier who points a gun at the scared little girl in his arms and then he loses everything
its when the light is gone from his daughter’s eyes that he realizes. His voice cracked and raw from sobbing that he looks around to see his brother with drawn in shoulders and tears in his eyes but his wife is nowhere to be found. 
Tommy says you got lost in the chaos. Everything was so loud, so sudden that he turned around and suddenly you weren’t there. 
Joel wants to go back but its Tommy that stops him, that dulls the red in his vision to a sad faded pink because his brother points at the orange horizon not too far from them, so much of the city is already in flames. 
“We’re gonna find her, but not there.” 
So Joel searches. for the first year spent in the world post-outbreak its all he did. 
He became a smuggler because of it. 
Information came at a price and he needed to be able to fucking pay it, whether it be in blood or ration cards. He was willing to do anything to find you or any thin thread that lead your way. 
But it’s Tommy that asks him to give up. Not in those words of course. 
The youngest Miller knows better than to say something so cruel that would make his brother, the only person he has in this world turn on him. 
But his voice is worried when he asks him one night in Boston when he hasn’t even had the chance to wash the blood from his knuckles 
“You think she would have wanted this for you?” 
the fight that followed his words was brutal. Vicious insults and scarred fists slamming against each brother until they're both too tired and bloody to continue. Each leaning against a wall for support and Tommy’s wavering voice breaking the silence. 
“I don’t know where she is, Joel. But I do know you're gonna get yourself killed if you keep lookin’ for her.” 
All he can do is nod. 
It’s a few days later when he meets Tess. Who has heard plenty of stories about the elder miller’s brutality and wants him to put that muscle to good use for some extra profit. 
It begins his new life. One that empty and cold but one he can live. 
Until of course, Ellie comes along. The sweet and incredibly opinionated girl that makes him become something akin to the man he thought died twenty years ago. 
its when he’s traveling with Ellie, that it happens. When a warm familiarity has settled between the two because so much blood and pain has been shared he can’t help but see her as something close, something bright even though all he can force himself to utter in her reference is “cargo” 
when theyre traveling through the woods as Ellie chatters away, probing his memory about a movie that may or may not have existed thirty years ago because her descriptions of the plot are incredibly odd he hears a voice shout for them to stop and finds himself staring at a man- no, a boy- pointing a gun at them. 
Ellie stills, but Joel can see enough to know that from the lanky figure and dimpled face that he’s young. Maybe twenty, twenty-two at the oldest, but his eyes dart from Joel to Ellie with a pinprick of fear that allows Joel the time to charge forward and slam him to the ground before wrestling the gun from his hands. 
He has enough to time to tuck it under the stranger’s chin before he hears the sound of the safety being turned off and finds himself looking up and seeing a gun just inches from his face. 
Joel’s head whips around when Ellie’s voice calls out his name in fear, he turns to see another stranger holding her a gun point, shoulders drawn back and a shadow cast over their face by the had obstructing their identity. 
“You hurt one of mine, I hurt one of yours. That a fair deal?” 
Its takes him a moment to recognize you. It’s been so long since he’s heard your voice, the sweet tease when you would poke at him each time he woke up late despite the fact that you reminded him to set his alarm the night before, the times you’d chide him with a harsh “Joel Miller!” whispered in public anytime he was able to grab you a bit too passionately to be appropriate in public but the laughter in your voice let him know you were never truly mad at him. You didn’t know how to be. 
But that sweetness is buried under a cold rasp that cuts through the air as you point a rifle at the scared little girl in front of you.
“You think I won’t?” You’re older now, skin covered in scars from a life he didn’t know you got the chance to live and your eyes are cold as they regard your husband. “Put the gun down and get the fuck off of him, I won’t repeat myself.” 
Joel mumbles your name in awe. The woman he loved, the woman he mourned the one he fought so hard to find stands before him like some sort of hallucination and suddenly the world feels like its spinning until you bark orders at him again. 
“You’ve got five seconds Joel, make a fucking choice before I make it for you.” 
He looks down and realizes the boy under him, the one with the bleeding nose and snarling face has your eyes and his dimples. 
“One.” 
The one above him has Sarah’s hair. Soft brown curls that shine under the sun. 
“Two”
Wait. No, they both do.
“Three.” 
Twins. Jesus fucking Christ you had twins. 
“Four.” 
Joel holds the rifle up above his head and the one boy standing snatches it from his grasp, tossing it to the ground and kicking it far from his reach. He slowly stands, allowing your son- dear god your son- to scramble to his feet. 
Your voice softens just for a moment. “You okay, Duke?” 
Blood stains the bottom half of his face from where Joel slammed his fist into the boy’s nose just moments before, but he nods nonetheless. 
Now, they both stand on one side of you and he can see the resemblance clear as day the same way he would whenever Sarah was by your side.
When you order him to hand over his bag, he does so without question before telling Ellie to do the same. 
She watches him with wide eyes, her hands still up in the air but gaping at her companion as if he had grown a second head. 
“Joel!” “Just do it, alright?”
He doesn’t miss the way you watch their interaction with narrowed eyes until she tosses her bag to you and you slowly lower your gun. 
“Now, you want to tell me what the fuck you think you’re doin’ at my home?” 
#joel miller x reader#joel miller x you#i had an idea of something similar for tommy but on outbreak night he uh. abandons you instead of getting separated from you#because. angst :D#people say nice things#this was incredibly generous of you anon thank you so so much!#i may get myself a little starbucks drink this week now because I havent had starbucks since like january 1st lol#joel reeling from taking in all this information and also realizing he suckerpunched HIS OWN KID#id like to apologize for all the grammatical issues with this. this is just a bulletpoint word vomit to get my thoughts on the page before-#-beginning the actual fic. also I have to do a midterm tonight and this is my treat to myself hehe#but yes. joel getting separated from his wife on outbreak night and having to accept that shes probably dead#meanwhile youve lived this entire life without him because you think HES dead ad raising your boys all on your own#which just- further digs into his insecurities about failing in his role as a protector#he couldn't save sarah. he can't save ellie and he couldn't even save you#he thinks about you pregnant and alone. fending for yourself in a world full of infected and raiders and his chest grows tight again#this is all followed by Ellie going >:O 'you KNOW THIS PSYCHO?'and then joel immediately snapping at her to WATCH HER MOUTH#because that kid has no filter and he has to explain that youre his wife#anyways joels wife is a badass mfer who also maybe has a little garden and some chickens that you and your boys take care of <3 yeah .#reunion tag#ill be using that for this specific couple because I dont have a fic title yet but if anybody has suggestions!
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ozzo-the-wozzo · 3 months ago
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Trying to explain Adrien’s subplot in miraculous to anyone but it’s literally just this:
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highlynerdy · 1 month ago
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母后 您的人屠儿子回来了 Queen Mother. Your butcher son has returned.
母亲 儿子回来了如今过得很好 Mother. Your son is back and living well now.
-Ep. 2 & Ep. 7 / Kill Me, Love Me
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thelaurenshippen · 6 months ago
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the way that silver said "I will stand here with you an hour, a day, a year" to flint and "I will wait a day, a month, a year, forever" to madi....I'm sick to my stomach. who is doing unhinged devotion like this man
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mothric · 21 days ago
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last night i was watching a gravity falls clip and heard the name "Pacifica Northwest" spoken out loud for the first time in roughly eight years and i had to put my phone down and stare at a wall while my brain detached from its stem like an untethered balloon. i relocated to the pacific northwest two years ago. specifically to oregon. what the fuck do you mean that's her name
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aq2003 · 11 months ago
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see normally i try to avoid and dislike using "they're ooc" as a criticism bc it's been historically used to flatten out a character's flaws. i want to use any possible in universe route to explain what's going on regardless of whether it aligns w authorial intent or not. anyway i think ten is ooc in girl in the fireplace
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superhousecat-once-again · 3 days ago
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Unfortunately now that I’ve finally seen it, I 100% cannot stand the Solavellan ending and like I knowww that’s in large part because I’ve been functioning on a different level with the ship the entire time but it’s just sooo forgiving of Solas and sooo tragic for Lavellan and does not include the most fascinating element of their dynamic to me which is ‘Solas starts to see the value of the current world because of how much Lavellan loves it and is so deeply part of it’ and in fact fully discards it because Lavellan just fucks off to fade prison for “true love”
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akkivee · 2 months ago
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the pivotal points in bat’s past 🤔
kuukou
age ????- his best friend moved away
age 14: attained a higher level of asceticism than his father, met hitoya who helped clear an assault charge on some good will that went awry
age 15: left home to flex his talent, got humbled quick lol but met ichiro and vowed to grow stronger
jyushi:
age ???? (presumably 6)- received amanda from his grandmother
age 13- started middle school where he ‘befriends’ iyogi
age 14- has been a victim of bullying for a year and the bullying escalated to the point his grandmother was killed. met hitoya who made sure iyogi ain’t seeing the light ever again and a little later helped jyushi find the will to keep living
hitoya
age 14- loses his brother
age 23- upon receiving a tip, he decided to change majors from being a doctor to a lawyer in order to jail the guy that bullied his brother. broke up with jakurai after a disagreement
age 31- meets kuukou and jyushi for the first time and we see the fruits of his lawyer efforts
#vee queued to fill the void#i was thinking about how to define kuukou’s periods thru his jackets again lol and while thinking about that earliest dragon sukajan#decided to see bat all had three pivotal moments in their lives that led to the present lol#it’s something i like to think all the characters have but i haven’t put much thought into lol#(​i also think the leaders have four points but that’s not what this is about lol)#*head in hands* but i desperately want to talk about kuukou’s clothes and the eras of his life it represents lol#i can’t remember if i actually did that yet or not (surely i didn’t think of the entire post just to not make it lmao………)#but i wouldn’t be surprised if the dragon and the darker colours were very symbolic of kuukou’s violence#and that earliest sukajan we see him with is a scene that’s just the tip of the iceberg lol#ichiro ‘lost’ his parents (esp his mom) around that age it looks like and nemu lost her parents (her mom the actual parent) at 7#so my guess is that he was 7 when whatever went down with mama harai for the sake of parallels lol#bat all have important events at the age of 14 so coincidental stuff like that are a thing lol#it’s by that logic i think jyushi was 6 when he received amanda lol jyushi and kuukou have pivotal moments in the same year#but just have their age gap#but in reality lmao jyushi was nervous about starting school hence the gift#and you start elementary school in jp at 6 LOL#jyushi’s bday being so early in the school year makes it a little difficult to gauge how long he’d been bullied for#but i’ll trust hypmic means he rly did get bullied for a year by his intro chapter lol
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lovesodeepandwideandwell · 2 months ago
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how come I love leading class and reading groups and small groups and lectures and conference papers and book clubs
and I HATE leading Women's Bible Study
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unsurebazookacore · 4 months ago
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hot take, mike and el arent in love, because they are fourteen
well i guess mike is fifteen but still like as someone who has been fourteen/fifteen
GUESS WHO I WAS NOT DATING:
A. THE LOVE OF MY LIFE
B. MY FUTURE SIGNIFICANT OTHER
C. ANYONE WHO I WOULD BE ABLE TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" TO AND ACTUALLY FUCKING MEAN IT
D. ALL OF THE ABOVE (the answer is D by the way)
LIKE Y'ALL THEY ARE FOURTEEN
THEY MET WHEN THEY WERE TWELVE
"I knew right then and there in that moment that I loved you" MY ASS
#byler#mike wheeler#like i truly need to stress this so much this is NOT mileven hate like this is putting any like feature or fact about their dynamic aside#they are children#and yes i know there are people who meet their partners when they're young kids childhood friends to lovers is a trope for a reason#but no one NO ONE (or at least statistically very few people cuz i know my ass was not)#is making for real love declarations at Fourteen (or Fifteen humor me)#and “oh rey then how can you ship lumax-” LUMAX HASNT SAID I LOVE YOU YET#LUMAX IS THE MOST ACCURATE DEPICTION OF AN EARLY TEENAGE ROMANCE IN THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED SHOW BECAUSE THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS ARE SO AWKWARD#AND ITS ADORABLE#AND THATS IT#THEY HAVENT EVEN KISSED SINCE SEASON 2#YOU WANNA KNOW WHY??#BECAUSE THAT'S REALISTIC#BECAUSE THEY ARE KIDS AND KISSING IS GROSS#listen im not saying this with the intention that ohh kids are immature they dont know what true feelings are blah blah blah#kids have feelings no shit#but esPECIALLY when it comes to mileven it seems so goddamned performative#like it FEELS like they both just watched a bunch of romance movies and are now mimicking whatever they've seen the adults in those movies#(who are supposedly in love) do#like watch lucas's talk with max in the back of the like trailer thing where he tells her he wants her to stop pushing him away watch that#and then tell me mike's aMaZinG AnD drAmaTiC LOvE cONfESioN doesnt sound formulaic as fuck#like you wanna know how a teenager makes a love confession#they say smth emotionally vulnerable; want to die after saying the emotionally vulnerable thing; and then tell a shitty joke to salvage it#not “I don't know how to live without you. I feel like my life started that day we found you in the woods” no fucking teenager says that#and that is why lumax is as mr mclaughlin said himself: “real love”#damn i kinda cooked with the tags on this one#(also fun fact i learned that tumblr has a tag limit by making this post which is why half of the tags are at the 140 character limit)
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rubberduckyrye · 3 months ago
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You guys ever think about the tragedy that is Junko Enoshima? That she wasn't a sadistic girl seeking out to hurt others for sadistic glee?
Because everything Junko did was her trying to emotionally abuse herself? That she wanting to feel something so badly that she hurt the people she loved most, and even brought about ruin to the world, simply to destroy herself with it?
#junko enoshima#danganronpa#me prior to working on Twins AU: Junko is a poor villain character with little to her aside from sadism#me after actually working hard on Twins AU: .... Wait#the moment I saw something there my brain latched onto it tbh#Like this girl was so miserable with life due to boredom that she#actively#Chose to hurt herself emotionally and mentally#to the point of self destruction#because she literally had nothing else in her life she could enjoy#I think she easily felt love and joy but they had thick layers of boredom to the#them*#And that made them hard to actually enjoy#But despair is an overbearing feeling that consumes you#grief consumes you without fail#And because she learned how strongly she hated herself upon bringing harm to those she loved and all that#The pain so encompassing and engulfing with no boredom to muddy it#The feeling became addicting to her#So she grew more and more extreme with her abuse and self destruction#Until she decided to bring about the destruction of the world#Which if we follow the logic#Kinda weird of Junko who is chasing despair like a drug for her to like#want to destroy the entire world#if she harbored no affection for it#If in her selfish chase for the biggest pain she could feel in her life#if she hated the world why chase the end of it? That would be easy. That would be what she wants. And that's boring.#But if a part of Junko genuinely loved the world she lived in? Destroying it would bring about an unfathomable despair for her#Anyway that is to say Junko is an awful abuser and awful person#But this situation is similar to how I see Kenzo#''If only things were different so you wouldn't have become the monster you are now'' Kind of Tragedy
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carefulfears · 20 days ago
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how do you see mulder leaving in season 9? scully giving up william? how do they deal with these things? (their guilt, resentment, futility, etc)
i know i have a realllllllly unpopular opinion on all of this but as i've said recently, i just don't think there's anything easier on earth to convince mulder of than "things are safer if you're not here."
i usually come back to doggett's confusion in the beginning, the way he keeps asking and arguing and scully just keeps saying "he's gone" and shutting it down, until the end of the premiere when he realizes: "oh my god. it was scully. scully made him go."
god, it's sad. it's hard to talk about. i teared up trying to write this, as much as i am fonder of the storyline than most. i don't find it unrealistic or out of character or unfitting of the narrative. it doesn't mean i don't feel it's heartbreaking. i have such a hard time thinking of mulder missing that baby. not even having the chance to put up a fight, walking back into empty rooms. the show as a tragedy, finding your burden again, etc. the x-files as the gap between teary smiles at baby kicks to screams in a jail cell. as what it was in the beginning: unknowable answers to insurmountable grief.
and i just think about mulder's dramatic emails, writing that he doesn't think he can survive being away from them. spender looking at the baby and telling scully he's heard "so much" about him. mulder being tortured by soldiers, saying he's just thinking about his son. keeping 1 baby photo for 15 years. "i just missed both of you so much."
scully's fertility treatments and her prayers and her tears and her "last chance" and her miracle. and how deeply unfair it is, what happened to her. i don't think a single one of us could say what we could do if people kept breaking into our homes to suffocate a child we were still nursing. she didn't ever want to do it alone, that was never the plan.
but scully desperately wants to keep everybody safe. she thinks she’s keeping everybody safe. it’s hard to be starbuck. it's this conflict i keep talking about recently where you really start to notice how controlled she is by fear, how difficult it is for her to balance it all. my favorite visual on this is the gate at the house in i want to believe: every day the way she pulls up to it, gets out, opens it, pulls through, stops, gets out, closes it. repeat in reverse. and then she comes home and she says "the truth is, i worry about you." and that he's too isolated. turns around and shuts the door, leaves the house and locks the gate.
i wrote a bit a few weeks ago about scully's protectiveness and it made me think about what a trap it can be, how defending lends to fear and fear lends to defeat. to standing in a church 25-years deep and saying "i failed." in the tags of that post i asked "could they ever recover from her exiling him from being with their child because she was afraid it would kill him?" and said i don't know. and i don't, i don't know.
but i think there's something so brave in saying: i did the best i could, and maybe that wasn't right. it's why ghouli is one of my favorite episodes. scully sobbing to her son that she's sorry. she's sorry he doesn't know them. she wanted him, they loved him. "i was trying to keep you safe. i hope you know that." and she thought she was being strong, but maybe she was wrong.
things don't always shake out the way you want them to. it was always mulder that called their son a miracle, and mulder doesn't believe in miracles. mulder believes in the world, and the search, and the after.
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