#i have like an unknown mental illness im sorry

[newtzii]

youll never guess whos here to be so fucking annoying again

human paracelsus i could kiss you. then throw you in a radioactive waste

[hyukakisses]

-scream!

pairings: huening kai x fem reader

plot: heavily inspired by the film scream (the first one), random ghostface huening kai headcanons

warnings: gore, cursing, mentions of death, sweet sub reader x emo mentally ill top huening kai, smut!!, characters are in college

you sigh boringly as an hour passes by since your boyfriend huening kai last texted you, and you were growing impatient. you were so clingy

you felt your heart drop to your stomach and your agitated mood has shifted into a panic as you notice a tall shadowy figure standing outside your bedroom window

you slowly get up from the comfort of your pink bedsheets and approach the unknown person with a tremble, immediately whining when you make eye contact with huening kai as you open your curtains

“hyuka! don’t fucking scare me like that!” you lift up your window seeing your boyfriend smile up at you followed by a baby girl like giggle

“im sorry! i just couldn’t help myself! i wanted to surprise you!”

you huff, “and you couldn’t have done that in a less scary way?”

huening kai smiles at your scared face climbing in your room pull you in a warm embracing. your body relaxing into his as you sigh loudly. “im sorry baby i really didn’t mean to scare you” the emo boy towers over you and you melt at his sincere apology

“you know when i was at home i was watching the exorcist and it had me thinking of you” the manic boy leaps onto your bed changing the subject rather quickly

you sit on your bed beside the taller male with a frustrated blush, “you’re such a dork when it comes to your scary movies”

hyuka wasn’t easy to get angry, he was always so gentle and polite with you and everybody else around him. so when there was a crazed serial killer running around town you didn’t even think your sweet boyfriend could be responsible for it.

you were huening kai’s first relationship, the boy didn’t know how to take things slow and causal; not that you minded though because you were the same way.

huening kai who would kill anyone for you— if it was someone who just accidentally bumped into you around school or someone who he thought liked you when really they were just asking for a pencil.

in bed though, hyuka was merciless. his big strong arms caging you in between him so tightly you feared you’d pop as you cry out in sensitivity

“p-please no more im sensitive” your hands brace flatly on huening kai’s shoulder blades as you struggle to take his entire length in your weeping pussy, this action making your boyfriend hiss in pleasure

you’d let out a string of needy gasps as you felt your boyfriend jackhammering his cock so close to your pussy. feeling his globes lightly slap against your clit making huening kai coo at the feeling

“hear that?” huening kai whispers shushing you grinning down at you when all you could hear were squelching sounds ):

hyuka who would comfort you each time you were scared, making sure he distracted you to take your mind off the ghostface situation

huening kai wouldn’t let you find out about him being the serial killer you feared, afraid he’d lose you ):

and your boyfriend can’t have that! he’d rather die than have you find out about that. often lying about where he would be, saying it was for university or something

huening kai would also always be down for a horror movie marathon, falling in love with you even more when you’d cry in his chest over a jumpscare <3

[lutravurr]

the interesting thing about avpd is you look mostly normal to others because youre desperately avoiding any triggers so you dont usually have freak outs

instead you look aloof and rude and not worth peoples time because you dont give back. like idk, i talk to people and listen because i care about friends. but so much of what i say is filtered through fear and lost. and im dissasociative and autistic so how im percieved and why people leave or give up on us is completely unknown to me.

like im constantly grasping at connections and reality but they slip away and im left wondering why i cant be loved or kept around

idk, im sorry i miss birthdays and never show affection its not because i dont care its because im extremely mentally ill. i liked being friends with you

[korinpie]

Hii, how you doing?

Could I request headcanons about Fade being jealous?

Thank you 🖤

♡fade and reyna jealousy headcanons♡

♡thank you for the request! since you didn't specify the gender, ill make the reader gender neutral. and since this is the first ever request, i threw in our favorite girlie reyna for fun. again, thank you sooo much! let me know if anyone would like a part two with other characters♡

♡cw: mentions of alcohol and one use of they/them pronouns in reyna's part♡

♡word count: 1350 in total♡

I begin by prefacing this: Fade is SO insecure

She is convinced that you're an actual angel sent down from heaven, one that's somehow taken interest in her and graced her with your love

Pretty much thinks you're way too good for her

I mean she has murdered countless people and resurfaced trauma in several agents thinking they killed her friend

So the fact that anyone especially you would like her makes her feel like she doesn't deserve it

You and her are at a street market when she leaves to go to the bathroom. But when she comes back, she finds someone else in her place- hooking an arm around yours

When someone is flirting with her beloved, she gets pretty damn uncomfortable

The response is either "wtf they're flirting with my partner!" or "im going to kill them"

Will probably shift from one foot to another wondering what to do

She's not very good at socializing, being more of a 'fight now, talk later' person

And the more the person comes closer to you and talks dirty, she genuinely considers sicing her prowler on whoever decided flirt with you

But no: it's not right to attack someone just like that

Also it's broad daylight, and she would get caught

But she can't just do nothing, considering your anxious expression

Instead, she walks up to whoever's bothering you, attempting to be as stoic as possible(she wants to die on the inside)

"Ahem- excuse me," Fade interrupts the stranger's tangent of pick up lines. Said stranger stops, looking nervous as Fade stands in between you and the random person.

"Hi there," The stranger smiles tightly. "Sorry, I was just talking to my- um- dear friend here. Nothing to worry about."

Fade looks at the stranger coldly, before glancing over at you. Her cat-like eyes soften upon seeing you, her lips involuntarily lifting into a smile. She rests a comforting hand on your shoulder. "Do you know this person?"

You shake your head no, leaning away from the stranger. That's all Fade needs to know as she turns back to the unknown person- glaring at them with an intensity that could bring a hundred men to their knees.

"Hey, hey now," The stranger grimaces, stepping back a bit. He sweats at Fade's not-so-happy expression. "I'm just shooting my shot, ok? Can't help it."

Fade scoffs, reaching up to pinch the skin between her eyebrows. This conversation has gone on far too long.

"Don't worry, I'll back off if you need me to! I get it, friends supporting friends, d-"

"This is my significant other."

The stranger pales and their eyes widen cartoonishly large. You gawk, shuffling over to Fade to whisper: "How did they not...?"

"Kingdom be damned if I know," Fade mutters. She looks at the stranger, blowing a strand of hair from her face. "Leave. And next time you see us, don't even look in my partner's direction. If you do, you'll regret it."

The stranger squeaks and scurries away, metaphorical tail between their legs. Fade sighs, her shoulders beginning to relax. She's relieved that she doesn't have to be such an uncomfortable conversation anymore. Then, she turns to you, her expression tense and focused.

"You ok?"

You pause, albeit a little hesitant. Fade notices the way you sort of shrink, making her frown. “Yeah. Can we go back home now?”

Fade places a comforting hand on your cheek, betraying her rough exterior. “Of course.”

Despite the fact that she already asked, Fade continues to check on you, making sure that you're doing alright physically and mentally

It's her own way of showing she cares, since she's not that great at just telling you

When both of you are safe, back at home, you notice her still tense demeanor

She’s still worried about the incident of course- thoughts swirling around in her mind

Fade can't imagine why you've chosen to stay with her all this time, in her mind

You're just so...bright and warm to her, like sunshine

She truly believes she doesn't deserve you

And what if you leave her for someone else? What if she's left alone again?

She's still at heart just a girl who really loves her partner

Fade needs a little bit of love and reassurance- something to show her that you won't just up and leave her

The two of you end up cuddled up on the couch, blankets covering both of you and your head laying on Fade's shoulder

You're watching a crappy movie from the 80s <3

Reyna doesn't exactly get jealous, per say

She knows that you love her and cherish her more than anything- so she doesn't feel like someone's going to sweep you away

Besides, what kind of person would choose someone else over Reyna?

Someone probably very dumb and stupid that's who

Rather than be jealous, Reyna just really doesn't like people touching her s/o

It feels wrong, sort of like a stranger in her territory, as possessive as it sounds(but she is pretty possessive honestly)

Especially if the stranger knows that you two are dating, it feels like a bratty jab against her

When in reality it's more or less a friendly gesture

The agents are having a celebration party, and Chamber with his ever-flowing money brought drinks for everyone

Thus a problem arises- a chaotic party with drunk agents and radiants

While you're partying away, Reyna sits in the corner relaxing on a couch. She chats with one or two agents and nurses a cup of tequila, because who is she to pass on free alcohol?

The entire time she steals glances at you, either to make sure you're ok or just stare shamelessly at your figure

Meanwhile, your friend Jett is flat-out wasted

When she's drunk, she tends to be pretty clingy- so while you offer to take her to her room, Jett slings an arm around your shoulders and holds on to your arm, laughs and giggles slipping out from her

Reyna is not very happy about that

On one hand, you can take care of yourself. On the other hand, someone is touching her partner and she will not stand for it

She downs the rest of her tequila and approaches the two of you

"Reyna," You say as Reyna comes over. "Hi- I'm just taking Jett to her room."

"I don't want to go!" Jett giggles, clinging to your arm tightly. She's clearly drunk, pink-cheeked and all.

Reyna scoffs. "And you couldn't let someone else do it?"

"I'm the only one who offered! I don't want her passed out on the ground."

Reyna proceeds to grab Jett, roughly pulling her away from you. Jett whines in response, looking up at Reyna. "Hey! That hurt!"

She rolls her eyes, glaring down at her drunk companion. "Don't touch my partner. They're mine."

Jett grins, clearly not getting the memo. You sigh- Reyna, possessive as always.

"Reyna," You say, tapping your lover's shoulder.

She looks over, lips curled in a smug smile. "Yes, cariño?"

"If you're not gonna let me touch her, at least bring Jett to her room. She needs the rest," You explain.

Reyna's deep purple eyes narrow, and she spits out: "You can call someone else. I'm not carrying her after what she did."

"And what did she do?"

"Touch what is mine," She replies, hmphing. Her gaze drifts to the side, not looking at you.

You laugh at her antics, taking a hold of her arm. "Reyna, she's drunk and likes hugs. I promise she wasn't trying to flirt with me."

Reyna looks down at Jett, who's drunkenly spaced out. "We'll see about that."

"Can you please take Jett to her room? For me?" You ask Reyna, eyelids fluttering. Your hand grips her arm tighter, and she relents.

"Fine," Reyna says, placing a swift kiss on your temple before roughly dragging Jett out of the room. "I expect something nice for this."

"More kisses?" You offer, tilting your head to the side.

"Whatever you decide, cariño."

After she not-so-gently puts Jett to bed, she sits in your room

It's sort of like a dog waiting for its owner, except the dog is a gun-wielding mexican fighting machine

Once you enter, Reyna grumbles something about being late and pulls you in, laying you both down on the mattress

She expects many kisses. Deliver if you will

[sing-singy]

Hi!!!!! I noticed your host!Amelia doodles and i thought it was SO cool and just wanted to know if you had any more info abt it?????? sorry to bothhher

Hi ♡ thank you for finding interest in it. I dont mind asks at all so dont even worry about that either... onto the actual question. Ill be real, most of my ideas for that au arent planned because the idea of it wasnt planned either. ...it came out of me playing tomadachi life. . . I can just recount everything so it makes more sense maybe

Scenty doesn't make them do challenges she keeps them on the plane to live life like theyre bugs and basically finds joy in being able to watch them and maintain control while also craving more interaction from other people. this ultimately means that no one gets eliminated and no one is in any real danger. however, Charlotte is literally dying from the mold and ends up . yknow, dying. Freaking Scenty out because one she didn't expect it and two since she had never killed anyone during their stay in the plane she never learns the respawn command making it even more of a disaster to her mental state lol

Ok so this is where things get fuzzy im not to sure how charlotte does it BUT SHES ABLE TO NAVIGATE THE RADIO (maybe another stone is there in the waiting room idk let me have this) and ultimately is able to arrive back at earth. Parker runs into her they have a whole back and forth, Charlotte is avoiding him with her mixed feelings while Parker wants them to have some sort of communication because hes equally as worried for her as he is frustrated. Im pretty sure i planned for them to investigate the whole plane and maybe even more about Scenty (without knowing its the unknown 'deity' who trapped her and the others.) Charlotte concluded she has to stop Scenty by going back which . means she has to kill herself. Which Parker is immediately against and they have their second big fight but it ends with Charlotte dying anyway.

anyway SOMEHOW Charlotte is able to go to Scentys world and wow she finds out shes a normal person who just decided to fuck around and find out i guess. Scenty is immediately overwhelmed with joy because wow Charlottes here and shes alive! And shes. not a murderer, hah. But Charlotte is pissed so they definitely have a very funny bonding moment where Charlotte has to suppress the urge to kill this naive and too overbearing candle. While trying to figure out how to stop what she's doing with everyone else.

..and yeah, the ending is basically undecided because i had planned for either one of them to die.. OR BOTH who knows really but i still dunno either way so there's that. I hope you enjoyed my long spiel cause this might be what you get for a while lol and if none of this makes sense, then sorry, but i literally can not construct anything comprehensible in my current state LOL

[jqmalikhsgib]

midnight sky

two

it’s only been three days since you did the most craziest thing in your life. you didn’t regret a single thing, though!

zayn had went back home yesterday. it was his turn taking care of his daughter. you understood, not ever wanting to come between the two of them. you knew first hand, kids come first! it’s exactly how you treated your students.

you looked down at your hand and smiled. zayn had given you the most beautiful ring you’d ever seen. giggling to yourself, your phone starts to ring.

your eyes furrowed seeing an unknown number. you ignored it before getting out of bed and getting dressed. you head downstairs, walked to the nearest train station, and waited patiently.

when you get to your destination, you head straight to your classroom. your phone goes off once more. frowning, you decided to answer the call. “who is this?!”

“im sorry, miss yln. it’s taryn, zayn’s assistant!”

“oh—no, it’s fine. im sorry. is everything okay?”

“yes! we just need to go over a few things. nothing bad! zayn just wants me to make sure you’re good. do you have a good time to meet?”

“im pretty busy monday through friday. the only available time i have is the weekend. is that okay?”

“no, it’s great! i could meet you at your apartment if you’re comfortable? i just don’t wanna overwhelm you.”

“that’s actually perfect! do you need my address?”

“zayn could give it to me. ill see you soon miss yln. or, well, miss malik now.”

you blushed as the phone call ended. soon your first period class started piling up.

“lets get started!”

the weekend came quickly. you were waiting for zayn’s assistant while you graded a few papers. when you heard a knock on the door you weren’t expecting zayn as well.

“hi, babe.” zayn kisses you gently. you smile before allowing both zayn and taryn into your apartment.

“this is a surprise. i thought it was just gonna be your assistant.”

“meh, thought id come by since khai is with her aunt.”

yn points to her living room table before they all sit on the couch. “sorry, not exactly a fancy joint.”

“i like it!” zayn shrugs.

“so, what’s this all about?”

“we have to go over somethings now that you’re married.”

“like?”

taryn looks at zayn. “your life’s gonna change completely, baby. i just want you to be prepared for that.” zayn grabs your hand.

“once the world finds out, your social media following will rise, you’d receive many direct messages from strangers, paparazzi’s gonna follow you, and obviously it comes with some hate comments. we want you to be mentally prepared for that change.” taryn states.

“it’s why we brought some good information on therapist around the area. that is if you continue to stay here,”

“why wouldn’t i stay here?”

zayn looks at taryn once more.

“we even found a few private schools you could teach at! some elementary schools. zayn has told me how you wanted to teach elementary kids! it’s in pennsylvania. more secluded there.”

“we could even get a new farmhouse in case you don’t like ours.”

“wait,” yn takes a deep breath.

“i know this is a lot to process, but it’s the necessary steps to keep you safe. if you still want to continue staying in new york we could find places more secluded and schools more private for you to teach, yn.” taryn states.

“i just—i never really thought about everything. i love being with you, and i don’t regret marrying you, but my life is changing quickly. we’ve only been married for a week, zayn. i thought we’d keep our relationship private for as long as we can.”

“if that’s what you want, we can do that.”

“but it’s gonna be completely difficult.” taryn finished.

“how so? celebrities do it all the time, right? it’s not hard to keep things low key, yeah?”

“not hard but it’s not easy either. soon enough people will notice. sometimes they’ll see zayn come in and out of this building, they might see the two of you enjoying a private moment, might get ahold of your social media afterwards, and you’d be surprised what fans could find out with a simple google search.”

you sigh.

still not understanding how drastically your life was gonna differ, you’re afraid of change. it’s why it was so difficult for you to leave home years back. you didn’t mind change.

you just tried to avoid it as much as you could. on top of that you still haven’t informed your family. your mom would be livid she missed your wedding, let alone getting married to someone who’s practically a stranger.

on top of that, you haven’t told zayn about something you’re sure he should know. you didn’t want him to look at you differently or regret the decision of marrying you.

“i—could we maybe try and keep it private for a few months? just so we could enjoy our honeymoon period? i just don’t want people to know just yet. plus id like you to meet my family first. i wanna meet yours as well. is that okay?”

zayn smiles.

“of course, babe! whatever you want. you don’t need to stress, okay? taryn, the other thing?” zayn looks at her.

taryn smiles as she hands you a black debit card. you frown. “what’s this?”

“what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine! i put your name on my bank account. you can use this card whenever you need anything, baby.”

“zayn, i don’t need your money.”

“i know, but i want you to have this. even if you never use it!” zayn states.

“you’re already trying to spoil me, huh?”

“he does that! always give, give, give. could be a real pain in the ass sometimes.” taryn gently pushes his shoulder.

you smile lovingly at him. “im gonna head to see bobby. she’s expecting me. you two love birds enjoy your night.” taryn smirks before leaving.

zayn smiles while you blush. he kisses you passionately. it wasn’t like you didn’t enjoy kissing him. he’s an amazing kisser! but you needed him to know before anything happens. you pulled away quickly. zayn frowns.

“what’s wrong?”

you get up and pace around. “i—before anything goes further i need you to know. im not exactly experienced.”

“what do you mean?”

you sigh. “i mean, i had been saving myself for the right person.”

his eyes widened. “you mean, you’re—”

“yes, im a virgin, zayn. is that—is that okay?”

zayn gets up and grabs your hand. “baby, it’s okay. and if you’re not ready ill understand, okay? i just want you to be comfortable.”

you sigh in relief. “thank you, zayn. most guys aren’t so accepting. it’s why i was nervous to tell you.”

“guys are dicks! i however am a man, baby.” zayn smirks.

you blush once more. “could we maybe, cuddle tonight? i—im ready but i just—im also not. does that make sense?”

zayn hums.

“anything you want, ill be right behind you, love.”

the two of you walk into your bedroom before holding one another and falling asleep in each others arms.

[etherealspacejelly]

hnnnngh my mum doesnt know that i am trans but shes made it verrrrry clear that she does Not accept or respect trans ppl at all and now im worried because either i stay closeted and uncomfortable my whole life or i try and convince my parents and struggle very much and be disowned or smth if they still dont change their minds and then live authentically

💀

im so sorry that really sucks :(

i know how you feel, my mum is a terf. i have managed to convince her bit by bit though! i think she is a little more understanding of trans people these days, but not entirely accepting.

for a lot of transphobic people, their fear is what drives them. fear of the unknown. fear of being hurt. fear of change. if you want to change their minds you have to meet them on their level and convince them that trans people arent a threat.

my mums problem was that she thought trans wasnt real and we were all just mentally ill. so i made a powerpoint showing statistics on trans suicide and how gender affirming care prevents that, and how low the rates of regret are for gender affirming surgery compared to other surgeries, including cosmetic and medical ones.

i also showed her examples of transgender people across history and in other cultures, to prove that we have always been here and we are everywhere

i also attached links to some resources like a youtube video on the science of being transgender and why transgender people exist

i sent this powerpoint to her and we had a fairly productive discussion afterwards where she learned a lot and we came to a sort of understanding. it wasnt perfect, but it was progress!

i know its hard, and its a lot of work, but terfism and transphobia stem from misinformation and propaganda. to counteract that, you have to spread the truth. i think its worth the effort if you can convince even one transphobic person that trans people are real and worthy of respect.

[youthofpandas]

i already know about it but ill ask if you wanna talk abt it so bad SMH (I ALSO WANNA TALK ABOUT IT)

FIIINE if im FORCED to talk about it i guess ill see what I can do

for the everyone who doesn't know it already I have this liiiiittle project that has been killlingggg me known as the dead demian au which is like a Came Back Wrong sorta thing. Every other week I revise the level of Weirdness I want it to be and feel compelled to completely redo the actual plot events but that's not important what is important is the stuff that's sticking around. under the cut because this is like so long because I care too much about them.

Demian has died and with him so has all of Sinclair's will to live. He loses an unknown amount of time to a depressive state and only after a very odd dream that is so weird and real that even Sinclair is forced to realize there was something unnatural about it does he start to get back to being alive if only barely. and not long after this Demian is back ! Just like Sinclair has been able to claw his way out of the grave that was his lil mental breakdown era it appears that Demian has been able to do the same, quite literally

and oh how easy would it be to give in and pretend like nothing is wrong, maybe everything in these months including the death were all a dream or delusion and nothing bad every happened to begin with ! but of course he can't actually do that. can he even be sure that this thing is his friend who he loved (and dear god had he barely begun to accept how much the unspoken love between them Fucked Him Up in his grief how can he not let that regret weigh him down) because if it Isn't him then what is this thing? and god if it gives him Demian back does he care if it's wrong?

anyways things happen which include but are not limited to A LOT of weird Emil dreams centered around wellll uuuh let's say it's safe to assume they're about death and corpses and being in love with your best friend, the epic return of Demian's "let's kill this guy <3!" suggestions, the incredibly rare instance of me bothering to include Kromer in one of my fics, tons of truly great Sinclair insane logic to justify his really stupid actions, a lot of weird pretentious Demian rants about the meaning of life and free will and the nature of love, and the best part. lots and lots of truly insane Demian characterization I get to make that I don't get to do in most of my other things becaaaause (drum roll)

this fic and au is just a really elaborate exploration of all of my favorite little non human Demian moments. like sorry who is up thinking about his weird little self wanting to be human because he Loves them and loves to understand them and the first time he really feels like he's really managing to forget that he's something inhuman is with Sinclair and his complete adoration of him because it stems from such obviously human emotions. the love is there. the love was always there. you know? anyways he is my star (semi literal).... and dear god is he so lonely. he is so so lonely, my star in the sky who is waiting for someone on earth to love him so much maybe he can pretend to be human for a while. Frau Eva's story about the star who went back to space after the human who loved her could not make the leap of faith and Sinclair being made to decide if Demian, who helped him discover the truth of humanity, not being human is something that he cares about or if he'll be too scared to commit. the STARS !

And then there's the other inspo of course you know her you love her it's the little prince abno! Yay!! the simplest way to explain this part of it is like okaaaay let's rot together ^^ become one in body and soul and the #symbolism of the way Sinclair views himself as an extension of Demian more than as his own person sometimes (and esp in the aftermath of the not quite a death) and yet Demian wants nothing like that because Demian loves Sinclair for everything unique about him that makes him stand as his own person. Aaand yeah I think I covered everything important. Oh also despite what this paragraph would have you believe it's way more of a book fic than a game one personality wise, this is like modern setting none of the other game characters exist in this world it's just my guys

anyways I've written like TWO scenes in this AU that I actually like and it will never be truly 'written' so it will simply exist in my head forever but I do at least loooove the one where Emil's in his depression coma like that is early writing I still am in love with. i should probably actually try writing something for it soon but sadly it is impossible.... i think of them and go too crazy when it comes to this one

in conclusion the dead demian au has made me worse in so many ways and I've barely even gotten any good writing out of it making it the bane of my existence. I hate this thing and it is also my favorite child.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw: underage nude sharing, underage erotic roleplay, underage sexting, possible victim blaming, discussions of rape and molestation

hi! im seeking support, reassurance, and resources, mostly. but i also just want to get a few things off my chest. ever since i was seven i would engage in erotic roleplay often involving rape and non consensual scenarios with much older guys. i didn't really know what i was doing, i was a very hypersexual child for reasons unknown to me and i didnt have any outlet other than social media. for some reason i was obsessed with the idea of being raped and molested, i feel really ashamed about that still. i felt really gross after doing it but i kept going back anyway. when my parents found out they said it was my fault and that those men couldve gotten in trouble because i lied about my age and tricked them, which i still believe was wrong of me to do. but the violent and angry way my parents reacted really affected me and that whole situation really ruined my relationship with sex and my trust in my parents.

when i was 14 i willingly started sending nude pics of myself to older guys who asked. they knew how old i was and i never lied about that. i stopped after a few weeks because i started feeling physically ill from the shame. my parents never found out about the whole situation but that was around the time when i thought i could tell them about how traumatizing the whole "thing that happened when i was 7" was for me. they git angry and told me i had no right to claim it was csa of any kind and that it was a slap in the face to real victims. it really hurt me and i havent told them anything since.

its been a year since then and recently ive actually started sending those pics of myself again. im really ashamed over it and i dont know why i keep doing it. the guys are all aware of my age, so im not lying now either. i feel weird and embarrassed about it but i dont feel like i can actually call this sexual abuse or grooming because im doing this on my own accord. im scared to tell my friends because i dont want them to look at me differently. i cant tell my parents because i know how angry theyll get. i dont really know what i want. anyway, my ending question is: is this actually sexual abuse if i quite literally asked for it over and over? is there a name for it? im scared i wont ever be able to live a normal life.

thank you so much, sorry for this shitshow lol, and have a nice day ❤️

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through. Please know that it takes a lot of strength and courage to not only endure these experiences, but to reach out and seek support.

It's worth self-reflecting on what you seek from these interactions, whether that's regaining a sense of control, seeking validation and praise, reenacting earlier trauma, or other reasons. Please know that none of what you experienced is your fault, and it wasn't right of your parents to blame you instead of the people that harmed you. That being said, you deserve to work towards choosing healthier alternatives to interacting with these men.

It's important to recognize that children cannot consent. Even if someone willingly puts themselves in a situation they know may be dangerous, that doesn't make them any less of a victim because either way they are still being abused and still deserve compassion, understanding, and patience. What happened still counts as SA. Experiencing these things as a child counts as CSA, and it happening over the internet qualifies it as NCCSA, or NCSA as an adult. Sending nudes of yourself as a minor counts as CSE, CSEM, and CSAM.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist could best help you process your trauma, collaborate with you to develop some healthy coping mechanisms, and guide you along your healing journey.

I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[jwowwsboobs]

max is soooo fucking real for the nasty adidas hightops i have a pair like that too and they r the best shoes in the world..

anyways wanted to ask abt jack. why do u think she was the way she was? like what drove her, etc etc

i love this question and im SOOOOO sorry it took me for fucking EVER to spit this shit out but I had to think abt it. no read more scroll fast idgaf

jacks personality is full of contradictions. she was both impossibly overconfident and self-assured and cripplingly insecure; frighteningly unpredictable while simultaneously seeking stability and working to sabotage it; paranoid of betrayal and abandonment while treating her friends like shit...and all of these things are compounded by her intense and long-lasting (well. comparative long lasting its not like it was a 20, 30, 40+ year...) struggle with substance abuse and unknown, untreated, unacknowledged, whatever, mental illness(es?). I think the simple answer is that she wanted to feel complete and accepted. which she never did! but the long answer...is not quite that simple

jack's parents divorced when she was about 3...growing up she n her mother moved around a lot. i think the longest she n her mother stayed in one city/town was like. 10 months. she was a total tomboy! hated hated hated skirts n dresses. she was always a troublemaker, always very aggressive. she never had many friends growing up cuz she would just suddenly have to leave them, and she eventually figured out that it was easier to just. not make friends with people. had difficulty getting along with peers n got into fights a lot (which continued into her adult life), probably because of that. she never did well in school, likely thanks to her frequent moves and energy/aggression. she never learned to read very well (she was likely more functionally illiterate than truly illiterate but still stands. she cannot read or write very well.)

as she got older, and her peers began expressing interest in "romance" and "boys" and she had no interest in men or whatever (look, I think that any way of trying to put it will sound stupid as shit so bear with me here) it became even more difficult for her to relate to her peers. was she teased for it? probably. did she beat people up over romantic slights? absolutely. but her interest at the time was the emerging heavy metal and (punk) rock and tht took precedence over literally everything else. she got into black sabbath when she was 12/13 n punk thanks to the sex pistols when she was abt 13/14 n motorhead around the same time. motorhead really sparked her love for heavy metal, but venom was her favortie! she started playing guitar after hearing sabbath. with motorhead and punk she found something close the speed and aggression shed been .. not struggling with but feeling I guess, her whole life but it wasn't enough. when she found venom, it was much closer to what she...felt like. but that was 81, 2 months after moving to southern california! in 78 when she found punk and motorhead, she started going to seedy sketchy bars and clubs and parties, joined and quit bands, and started drinking, a habit she was never able to quit. her mom kicked jack out when she was about 15/16 and had dropped out of high school to literally do nothing but practice guitar, and she basically couch surfed on bandmates' couches and at groupies' houses, until eventually moving to southern california and eventually meeting gale. she moved in with gale after joining artery the sumer of '82. and I guess the rest is...not history but covered pretty well elsewhere on this blog! 

but why would she play guitar? why not just do all the drugs available to her and fucking die at 17?

the only reason I can come up with is that she didnt feel like the music was extreme enough to really convey how she felt. she didnt feel that it was fast enough or aggressive enough or frightening enough and decided that she would be the one to bring the speed and extremity to metal! and in doing so that would legitimize her place as a women, and a "closeted" lesbian dyke in metal and she wouldn't feel so...unhappy. so I think thats what drove her. I think eventually she hit a wall and playing guitar just wasn't enough anymore and thats wht killed her. so i would say thats what drove her.

[kryaaas]

Im not sure if I agree with some of it tbh

Ruby was so afraid of Harry because she thought he was was La Puta Madre agent (who she thinks is after her) but that turned out to be a false rumour (at least as far we we know and according to Jean). So rumors about Harry arent exactly always true

People being afraid of Harry is the result of:

1) people are afraid of *all* cops. Especially in Martinaise where RCM is an "ill omen"

2) Harry is the best cop from "bloody murder station" with a nickname "human can-opener" who recently "lost his mind" . (and not to mention he and his station also shot the church for unknown reasons....) Thats description enough to make any person scared even if they dont actually know Harry

So its more about the fearmongering rumors based on bits and pieces of what people hear about Harry and not how he actually was

I think there was some confusion about The Unsolvable Case because Harry didnt "shot wildly" and "held a woman hostage" there - this is actually from the Rigorous Self-esteem thought where he thinks about the his worst deeds:

The fact that Harry even post-amnesia still remembers this and feels ashamed for this shows how generally he wasnt a violent individual (which is also obvious from the fact he has 3 (!!) kills!! To put that in perspective Kim has SIX kills. AND kim works in much more peaceful district unlike Harry)

Regarding the Unsolvable Case itself...someone in replies mentioned how Harry was getting worse in the 4 months and I actually made post about that recently, you can check it out:

But yes, basically Harry was becoming more unstable in the last 4 months specifically, so him beating a man to death is not how Harry usually solved cases

Why was he promoted? It doesnt seem like Jean "covered it up" at all considering all the details about unsolvable case are still on the ledger. The answer is simple: RCM doesnt give a shit :) there are high ranking officers who kill people for fun and what Harry has done is just a drop in the bucket in comparison to what other cops are doing. The most important is that Harry "solved" the "unsolvable case" and can move solving the next cases (I agree with the replies though that even if Harry was always violent that would be the standard of RCM)

Why Jean covers up for Harry when he lost his gun? Also several reasons

1) cop mentality of protecting each other AKA cop corruption

2) sinse Jean is his partner, needless to say a Satelite Officer, he would also face consequences for Harry behaviour so by protecting Harry he also protects *himself*. This is actually like the unsolvable case where RCM can just not give a shit about some drunks on the streets, losing RCM property can actually piss the superiors off

I also dont like the assumption that "fascist" is the "true" pre-amnesia Harry. There are actually moments in the game where your choices also effects Harry's past. If you are the superstar cop Jean comments how you were always like that etc etc. So there many versions of pre-amnesia Harry just like there are of post-amnesia Harry. Harry could have been a communist, a fascist, moralist, a misogynist, a feminist or all of the above. Harry could have voted to remove the next world mural, he could have not. In general Harry is just the reflection of ideas and ideologies he observed from other people through his work as a cop.

Jean telling that Kim is "bewitched" is because he is being ableist towards Harry. He does not believe in Harry's amnesia and his mental issues and still thinks this is a ploy from Harry (to gain sympathy or to escape "consequences" of his actions)

Anyways sorry I love rumbling about this

The fact that Harry is canonically FEARED by people in Jamrock really surprises me. Like, I know he's the "human can-opener" and that has boosted his reputation and name among the people, but learning what he was like pre-amnesia is a whirlwind of an experience. Why don't more people talk about it?

This is coming from the wiki page so some things might be a lil inaccurate (I honestly don't know how well I can trust that source just yet) but it says he was on drugs/drunk for the majority of his service (even pre Dora), I imagine this got worse especially during those six years after Dora left him. By that time, he had already partnered with Jean, and had probably rejected his promotion number one.

After Dora left, the substance abuse got worse, but his work got better. It was hard to discourage their best detective, I guess. Even though he was actively funding the thing he was trying to shut down. It's a conflict of interest, he shouldnt have kept his job.

Also, during "THE UNSOLVABLE CASE" its said he left a man unable to walk, held a woman hostage, and shot wildly at a man.

That's just one case. You don't get a reputation like Harry's from one case. You don't make someone run at the mention of your name in the area. Ruby didn't run because of that one case.

Harry was a scary man. An ex gym teacher, off his rocker on an amount of drugs he couldn't count on two hands. He was talking to the tie before he lost his memory. The skills probably weren't a new thing. I like Harry, too, but his routinely "the women are the bourgeoisie" bit isn't just a post-amnesia thing, that's a cemented belief that's hung around his head long enough to become a foundation of every belief, even if you're an ultra-liberal. I don't think he was that popular with anyone he met.

The public were honestly right to be afraid of him.

But the RCM promoted him again. Or they tried. Because, what, Jean somehow managed to cover up everything Harry had done? What else has he done? How bad did things get, if beating a man with a ledger isn't anything more than a footnote in a case file?

Speaking of Jean, he confuses me a little. I mean, he respects Harry enough to cover up everything he did/does, but when it comes to talking about/to him, he puts him down, chews him out, makes it sound like he thinks Harry's actions are unacceptable (which I'm inclined to agree, at least pre-amnesia) but he also actively tries to make this narrative of Harry being crazy and wild and dangerous a thing, to everyone. Even Kim. Especially Kim, at the end. Look at this dialogue:

Those are the words of someone hurt over and over, watching a cycle repeat in another. But Jean still, when he doesn't really need to, decides to cover up Harry's missing gun and badge, and hears him and Kim out at the end of the game. He tears Harry down out of habit, but he also helps him out of that same habit.

He uses the word bewitched. That interested me, because it's infinitely more affectionate than manipulated, or tricked or just lied to. Jean uses it in a sympathetic manner, because he, like the RCM, like Dora, had been drawn in by Harry, and forced to stay until they left, like Dora, or became too bitter to go, like Jean.

It set up an interesting narrative for an aftermath. Would Kim, too, be driven away? Or would he get so sucked into the endless torment of being Harry's favourite, that like Jean, even if he wanted to, Kim wouldn't know anything else? Or had Harry actually changed? Does he get better, or does he get worse?

I would love to see more exploration on Harry after the events of Disco Elysium. I want to know how his reputation shapes how he acts after, I want to know how people interact with him. Its so interesting to me. It's all a bit of a jumbled ramble but yeah!!! :D

[hampterguts]

sorry to be a hater but im socially obliged to watch all of twin peaks and um. when does it become watcheable.

thought-swarm rant below

i kept being told that theres a moment everything lines up and it all makes sense and the ppl who are going out of their way to let me watch it arent bigoted but the show is. the show is. not even in a conversational way its just unironic straight faced bigotry and the constant graphic depiction of sexual assault to women and teenage girls and the way the majority of adult characters the viewer is Definitely supposed to like are/were/arent upposed to having sex with high schoolers. not only are half the cast 18 theyre still supposed to be in high school.

like how am i supposed to like this show. the only main character thats a woman of color is the most unironic orientalist caricature. shes pure she's evil, shes loving but shes cold and has no feelings, shes innocent shes guilty, shes strong shes helpless, shes a manipulator shes being manipulated, shes the sole owner of a log company shes blackmailed into being a maid, shes a sexual abuse survivor, she loves america and hates her home country, her entire character story revolves around people who "own" her. she gets talked about like shes an item or a pet. she needs white cop man to save her from white people. one of white ppl whom literally spent an ENTIRE season "in disguise" as a vague east asian man. my ears still hurt from the racist accent. also the woman's dead husband who isnt dead bc she warned him hates her btw. the show acts like hes reasonable to. in fact another Good White Boy cop is seen as reasonable for not trusting her and holding her at gunpoint after she shoots ONE of her abusers. and again all of these things are shown BARE HANDEDLY AS IN WE ARE SUPPOSED TO TAKE IT ALL AT FACE VALUE- ok well i still have like 8 episodes left but im not getting utena levels of "isnt this so fucked up to expect from a human being?" im getting "isnt she a fucked up little thing?"

she has short hair too btw. do you understand my devastation. my dyke ass was SO excited to see a Cool Calm short haired business suit wearing woman in charge of a lumber factory all by herself. like "wow this isnt egregiously racist i cant wait to see-" only a few episodes later and its the worst ive seen. i cant stomach this at all.

im going to have an aneurysm. i swear if i have to experience any more of this all of my blood vessels are going to burst and im going to dissipate on the floor. i have at least 8 episodes left. the mystery isnt even interesting to me bc all that keeps happening is racism, ableism, pedophilia, sexual assault, and romantic issues. its all so character-relationship driven and it expects you to be invested in and also LIKE these characters. i cant! i thought the director was famous why does this suck so extremely bad!!!!! when does the reveal happen and when it DOES happen i have a bad feeling it wont be worth the mental emotional pain ive been through. like im sorry famous director i think you'll have to scramble a LOT to make this one mentally ill internet faggot consider watching your other work at all. you cant handle mental illness you cant handle physical disability you cant handle race you cant handle women you cant handle mystery what CAN you write.

like its not even artsy with it. one artsy scene does not count. it also had a teenage girl kissing an unknown-aged adult man who we ARE SUPPOSED TO LIKE!!!! he's consistently "our little sweetheart protag hes so sweet and kind and trying to Do Good!!!!" fuck him to hell. his biggest reason to Not Date an 18 yr old whos still in school was bc hes "still in love with a dead woman". why the fuck is this show popular. what was the norm for the time this came out bc it sounds PRETTY BAD IF THIS IS CONSIDERED GOOD.

[thetangibleghost]

I saw someone else do this and i am a follower. I get like three votes on polls max but im just curious. Also ive been wanting to make a list of my WIPS for a while

Dead Sea: Sci-fi about the ships humanity fled to while earth died/healed. Around the year 3500(?idk). Centered around five kids who witness a kidnapping of a classmate and together start to uncover the human trafficking ring that connects all the ships.

The Sword Story: Three heros are chosen by a fantasy kingdom. They are a very smart washer-woman, a walking skeleton, and a guy with way too many names. One of these heros is supposed to be the chosen one who is prophesied to defeat a yet unknown evil. Except none of them are actually the chosen one. Theres dragons and swords and lots of flowers. Told from multiple perspectives, the sword is one.

Children of God: Supernatural fic baybeee. Literally just a hodgepodge of random scenes right now where both Sam and Dean have DID. Supernatural stuff still exists but its a lot more... benign, closer to the real world. Hunters are just vigilantes... essentially. this one is a MESS. but im like giving up on making it cohesive and just writing random scenes.

jelly/bread/wine: three part story each featuring a romance where one of the characters has a stigmatized mental illness. Deals a lot with grief in general. Jelly is about a foster kid in a boarding school who has problems that cant be diagnosed because shes 16. Bread is two childhood best friends, now in college they both have autism... and some other stuff. Wine is a refuge from a war torn country learning that the trauma they experienced before the war gave them DID and then they fall in love. They all has like intertwining characters and settings and such.

Sorry im very bad at describing stories. I have lots of other wips but these are the ones I would actually work on lol.

[nahalism]

What would you say to someone who keeps being paralyzed with fear of death or terminl disease striking unexpectedly any time.

Do you yourself fear death? The physical, possibly really painful aspect of it and the unknown after as well

love to you 🤎

heyyy, sorry for taking so long to reply. honestly, ive been thinking of what to say to this for ages but havent posted cause im in two minds. partly because im pretty sure i know what id do/say to myself, but since i havent had this exact problem dont want to whatlessly voice untested theories ygm?

i guess to start, ive had moments where ive had fear/a guilty conscience as to how my actions may impact my health, but that fear isnt an active worry or paralysing, its more from knowing that i value my health and if i dont act according to the truths im aware of, ill pay a price. as for death, i wouldnt say i fear death but im aware i have an innate resistance to dying. aka my body would fight to survive but mentally and spiritually i feel comfortable in my relationship to death, relationship with death, and what death looks like and means for me within my reality.

ive said before, but death has been a big teacher for me in life generally, so, if i ever found myself scared of illness or death id likely do what ive said ive done in a previous ask, which is: set time aside to really go down the rabbit hole, & go into each aspect of what i fear one at a time. first id think of what would actually happen if i got sick and died or if someone i loved got sick and died. then id go beyond the imminent consequences of death and look at the future. for example, id envision every change that death would make to my life or the people around me. id let myself be panicked till the panic had sunk in, and then id go beyond the panic and begin to answer the question of.. 'if any of those scenarios were actually my reality what would i do?' & make a plan till until i landed on one that i left confident in. now i know that whilst it would be painful, i could survive it & ultimately have no need to fear it. [i say that cause, worst case scenario, if someone else dies, your still alive and able to honour them & honour the opportunity to live by deciding to be present for whats left of your life and give your all. fear robs people of freedom and enjoyment, so logically it cant be a solution. — on the flip side – if you die, people who love you may cry, they may mourn, they may struggle to adapt, but they will adapt. and they will find other reasons to go on and smile again. that in itself is an inspiration to seize the day cause the better you live the more you give them to remember you by, & the better the legacy you leave.

ultimately, imo the only antidote for fear of death is living well, and its only when you face that fear that you can define what your optimal way to die actually is. all we have is time and the choices we fill that time with. set your focus toward filling the time with enjoyment, inspiration, experiences, adventure, rather than letting your life be robbed by fear.

i hope this helped. u can always dm 💌

[kyyuri]

to be or not ! -yang jungwon

27 ! love (written)

★彡 synopsis: what happens when y/n, who is hopelessly pinning over her best friend, jungwon- gets betrayed by not one, but both of them ?! and what happens when jungwon falls for her despite all odds ?

word count: 1.3k

taglist 2 ! open <12 slots left> may or may not have a taglist 3 :( so send an ask if you wna be added and ill add u once im back from hiatus <3

perm taglist open

a/n: take this as my hiatus gift before i go missing for another 1.5 months ? exams are honestly such a pain in the ass :(

you stood in front of jungwon’s front door. as much as you hated how you gave in so easily to help jungwon, you still decided to knock on the door, knowing how yujin isn’t going to come help the poor boy anytime soon. “yn ? come in… ” he looked so pale and yet so adorable with his teddy bear pjs and a long soft blanket draped over his body. “here’s the notes for today.” you handed him a stack of papers. with a grateful look, he muttered a quick thank you and reached for it, leaving the teddy bear he was clinging onto under the blanket exposed to your eyes. it was the bear you bought for his birthday years ago. it honestly shocked you how he kept it for so long and likely cuddles it to sleep. “you still keep it ?” eyes directed at the plush in his grasps “yeah. why wouldn’t i ?” jungwon asked with an innocent look on his face. choosing not to answer, silence fell upon the both of you again.

as he made himself comfortable on his bed once again, he looked at your awkward figure that’s standing by his bedroom door. he chuckled “why are you acting so weird ? this isn’t the first time you’re in my house.” “it’s the first time im here as someone that isn’t your friend.” you almost felt bad instantly for the comment you just made. “i’m sorry..” he muttered softly “i really am i-” before he could finish, you decided you’ve heard enough today, “I’ll go make some soup for you, just rest jungwon.” unknown to you, jungwon said softly, “ i hate it when you call me jungwon…”

having been to his home often in the past, it didn’t take you long to find the ingredients and utensils needed to whip up his favourite soup. it only took a while before the soup was ready to be consumed by the sick boy when there was a knock on the door. Preparing mentally for yujin’s arrival, you cursed yourself for not leaving once jungwon apologised. “hee ?” “yn, please hear me out.” “okay you have five minutes.” heeseung grabbed the bowl of soup “ I believe jungwon would want to hear about this too.” with you following behind, the both of you headed upstairs. “how are you feeling, jungwon ?” surprised, he sat up, “ im doing ok hyung, what brings you here ?” “ i figured i have something you might want to see.” placing the bowl of soup on the bedside table, he pulled out a pink envelope and places it on jungwon’s lap. “ you should open it and see what shenanigans your lover has been pulling.” inside held a delicately decorated piece of parchment paper.

“heeseung oppa,

i really really really like you. i think you know that. i also think that you like me back. after all, youve been nothing but nice to me. it must be hard keeping your feelings hidden, but we dont have to do that anymore. yn is just using you to get to jungwon and im using jungwon to get to you. i believe it would be a fair trade. yn isnt good for you. i am. give me a chance and i’ll show you what true love is all about. oppa, i hate it when you look at other girls the same way you look at me. i hope you can make me someone special~ i will break it off with jungwon if you agree to give me a chance, give US a chance. what do you say, my love ? meet me after school ?

ily <3 yujin”

from the way jungwons face fell slightly, you could tell he was disappointed. “i.. kinda saw it coming but.. kinda didnt… i suppose i was in denial… but.. but it doesnt.. hurt ?” the two of your head turned towards jungwon in shock. his own girlfriend just admitted that she was using him and there was physical evidence yet he didnt feel upset by it ? heeseung didnt seem to understand either.

“won. im here !” a sing song voice came from the door. “what the fuck are the both of you doing here ?” she shrieked. “baby did they hurt you ?” she cooed towards jungwon. “were we not allowed to visit our friend ?” heeseung sneered at her. “o-oh of course y-youre allowed.” she sheepishly turned away. “baby how are you feeling ? i brought you your work from school.” she said, completely ignoring your presence. “dont’ baby ’me. you dont deserve to.” it honestly shocked you how jungwon was finally standing up for himself against yujin. after justifying her actions on her behalf for so long, it felt refreshing to see jungwon fight back. “what ?” a hint of annoyance appeared from her voice. he picked up the pink envelope and flung it towards her. yujin’s face drained of blood. “yea. its your love letter.” “i was framed ! it wasnt me !” she frantically pleaded. “yn ! she tried to frame me ! it was you wasnt it ? you witch !” she pushed you off the corner of the bed. “yn !” jungwon rushed to your side immediately, not giving a damn about what yujin think. “thats enough yujin. its time to leave.” heeseung took yujins bag and threw it at her, causing her to stumble upon impact. “i showed jungwon the letter YOU wrote to me. stop trying to ruin yns reputation. its not going to work. i appreciate the fact that im likeable but not the face that YOU like me. for the last time..leave yn alone !”

a sniff was heard. knowing that yujin was crying, jungwon didn’t hesitate to make her cry even more. “please leave yujin. you’re not welcomed here any longer. and for the record, whatever we had going on between us, its over. you’ve crossed the line way too far this time. its time to humble down. you can take your leave now. thank you.” he opened his bed room door and signalled for her to leave. with one last glare towards you, she stormed out of jungwon’s room.

everything that had happened today was too much for you to even process. first, you though heeseung had betrayed you. next, you head to jungwons house and heeseung showed up as well. then the whole love letter fiasco happened and now jungwon and yujin were no longer a couple ? it hurts your head honestly. “i think i’ll take my leave too. rest well jungwon and hee, im sorry for the way i acted earlier today. i’ll see you around.” you grabbed your stuff and gave them both a final wave before heading home.

once you had left, jungwon buried his head in his hands. “why didn’t it hurt when yujin left hyung ?” he was in so much distraught over this matter. “you dont love her as much as you believe you do. rather, i have every reason to believe that you have feelings for yn.” heeseung chuckled. “i-i have feelings for yn ? thats… impossible.” “how so ?” “im not sure… but i know i dont ! because around yujin, i feel different from when im around yn !” heeseung chuckled once again. “but you dont love yujin… you know what that means right ?” it was as if the realisation had finally dawned on him. “i-i love yn… all this time..” heeseung gave the poor confused boy a pat on the back “take care of yn’s heart. its fragile. it killed me that i didnt have a chance with her but im glad that its you that stands a chance. not any one else in this world.” heeseung stood up and with that he bid his farewell to the lovesick kid.

<prev> <masterlist> <next>

taglist 1 ! @enhacolor @yougeans @anti-romantic5 @urresidentdrugdealer @ncityy04 @tyonvrs @fairydosii @dazzledsohn @hwalllllllelujah @mitsukifilms @yizhoutv @kyutiepeachy @tlnyjoong @sunshine-skz @meiiiwa @pr0dbeomgyu @tobiosbbyghorl @yogurteume @alderiasamantha @woopetals @beemarkie @hibuki-chan @nyfwyeonjun @yvesismywife @yjwfav @diestheticu @woniecore @wonluvrbot @enhawonie @nyfwyeonjun @acciomylove @missmadwoman @hiqhkey @wntrsgf @jungwonerz @cuteyeonnie23 @angel-hyuckie @hobistigma @alo-ehas @rielleluvs @heesunki @yubinism @wonsgf @dinosdance @nrksrealgf @sunheeluvbot @aria-grace-scott @luvrjn @c9tnoos @tomorrowbymoa-together @wonie-core @lunaflvms

[mxvladdy]

Diavolo- True Form

Whoooooooo weeeee! ‘Pologies for the wait on these longer posts. I’ve been hit with a one two punch of house emergencies and sudden costly ass repairs, so my creative juices have been rightly squashed as of late.

Plus side I got my drawing tablet and drafting table back so I can neaten up my blog lay out now (yay!) 

Anyway this one was a challenge in the best possible ways. I really like Diavolo because of how little we know about him so it gave me some wiggle room. Or at least what I know of him- im only on like chapter 23 of the stories. Idk if I did him justice as this is angsty af but I sure had a blast writing it!

Hope ya like! Next up: Beelzebub 

Trigger warning: Mention of blood, and swearing. 

Diavolo-

He'll never show you, so don't ask. His true form is god-like in its own right and such knowledge, such truly raw demonic power in its natural form is not for your mortal eyes.

No matter what your lineage, it would break you. And despite his roles and being the literal devil, he doesn’t want you suffering.

Sometimes when he thinks you wouldn't notice he relaxes his hold on reality, just a fraction. He wants to relieve some of the tension that is always building just below the surface. Like closing your eyes when you have a tension headache. The mental energy he has to exert to keep face is enormous. Regular glamour doesn’t work nearly as well as his own, or Barbato’s magic.

But you see hints during your downtime spent in his company. A ripple in his reflection on the window pane. Unexplainable shadows dancing across his exposed skin. Too many teeth in his mouth when he laughs. Sometimes when you stare into his eyes you see something indescribable staring back behind them. His usually warm and inviting gaze darkening. A barest flicker, a hulking bestial thing kept locked behind in his golden gaze. It's enough to freeze the blood in your veins.

On certain nights when you can slip away from the brothers you stay in his room. Lying  awake, you watch his magic wane and shift as he slumbers. Sometimes you see runes, or at times letters. You are tempted to write them down and ask Solomon. But something stops you each time.

The worst images are the faces. Unknown souls trapped beneath his flesh clawing to be freed. Silent screams fading back into his body as he dreams. Your fragile fingers trace the patterns they leave as you wait for the next day wrapped in his embrace.

Only once have you seen more of his form then he would ever wish. The depths of his strength and mental fortitude were unknown to you so the slip up took you both by surprise. He masks the error well, but the sudden shift in energy in the room couldn’t be suppressed .

You are suddenly so aware of the oppressive weight of gravity on your frame. Your bones grinding together under the force of his aura. You panic, desperate by the need to breathe, but are unable to draw even the smallest bit of oxygen as it is robbed from the room. Time and reality wrapped too, distorting in ways only you thought only Barbatos could do. You knew in that moment the sudden dread of death, how mortally was but a rusty shackle tethering you down.

He collects himself, dispelling the energy and locking his glamour down tight to protect you. But that split second of fury felt like an eternity to you as you sink to the floor. You hiccup a shaky sob and shiver. Your fragile human mind bowing under the strain of what it cannot comprehend. Scolding hot tears fall from your cheeks, before splashing crimson the stone below you.

You didn't approach him again for over a month. No matter how strong you are, some things were better off unseen.

Mini Fic

He didn’t know. For once in his ancient pitiful existence, he had been unaware of his surroundings. It had been for just a moment, one tiny crack in his veneer. The foolishness of Mammon and Belphegor’s actions finally poked the right nerve. He wouldn’t hurt them, for Lucifer’s sake. That prideful demon would never forgive him if he did. But he could scare them. A quick look at his true self; a flash of the deepest bowels of hell. Enough to give them a reminder of their positions and standing in his court. He had expected their whimpers of fear, could taste the acidic tinge of it exuding from their pores. What he didn’t expect though was your blood curdling screams alongside.

Ironically, he would have to thank the second eldest later. His fast thinking is the only thing that saved you from complete damnation. His body shielded yours, taking the brunt of the stronger daemons hellish might for you. What little magic Mammon still had left used to protect you. Though, while your vision was blocked, you could still feel his oppressive presence. It racked your mortal flesh. Diavolo knew what affects his power had on humans. He spent years breaking and consuming damned souls with zeal after all.

The brothers had run from him after that, screaming for Simone. Barbatos following close behind, a look of consternation on his usually impassive face. You had been so limp in Mammon's arms. Diavolo could do nothing, shocked by his own weak will and realization that he might have ruined everything. You had been whisked away so quickly by his faithful servant and the brothers that he hadn’t had a chance to look you over himself. But the brief moment he saw will haunt him for years to come. Your eyes red from the sudden haemolacria, the blood staining your clothes and face. Your fingers digging away at your soft skin, black and purple blotches staining what he could see. Mouth opened wide on a silent scream. He knew what you must have seen. The souls of the damned trapped under his glamour breaking free to latch on to your unmarred soul trying to drag you back with them.

Against his butler's advice he stands at your door now days later trying to see you. He couldn’t sit around and just hear updates second hand. The brothers had been keeping guard most days in a valiant attempt to keep him away. But he could only be waylaid for so long before he used his rank against them.

He had arranged a full council meeting. Every one of the brothers knowing full well it was to get them out of his way. Yet, the order was absolute. This time none of the brothers could reject it. Barbatos would keep them in that room for eternity if he so wished for it. He hated using his age and power against them, but he saw no other way to get to you.

It was foolish now, standing as he was in front of your door. A part of him hoping you would turn the knob and let him in. Let him comfort you for once, instead of the asinine distractions the brothers offered. He could help too. Hells, he wanted to. He wanted to be closer to you. Power discrepancy be damned. The other part of him knowing it was for the best that you didn’t. Your guardian and tormentor all in one. He listens to your muffled sobs for a moment fighting with his feet to stay cemented to the floor instead of heading back in defeat.  

"When my father was still around he took me down to the deepest depths of the kingdom. Where the worst of the traitors and sinners are imprisoned." His deep baritone rumbles through your door during a break in your crying. "It’s a place few seldom go; even now I have yet to return. Back then he told me ‘there will never be a human soul that is undeserving of punishment. Even the ones destined for the celestial realm are tethered to sin.’ At that time I believed him. The things I saw in your realm... " The prince chuckles wearily.

He remembers the ever present scowl on the old King's face. His dark eyes looking out at the sea of damned souls he controlled. Even as a young daemon, fresh into his wings and still sharpening his horns to impress others he could tell how much his father detested his position. How it had warped him, turning him bitter and cold, even to his mate and only child.

Diavolo never wanted to be like that. Not to the ones he supposedly cared for at the very least. "I think that is why he hated the other realms so much.” He continued. “Humans, for their ability to choose which realm they would eventually end up in after they pass. That even the worst sinners could find redemption enough at the last moment to get to the pearly gates. While daemons, no matter how well they served, or the duties they did for the good of their own would never be seen as equals to our celestial counterparts or yours. That this existence is all we'll ever be destined to have. Nightmares and monsters, stories to tell little human children to keep them in line.” He pauses, collecting himself. “I believed wholeheartedly that every human deserved the punishments only my kind could dowel out. But, in this past year I have spent with you, I find myself changing. You are so undeserving of such torment. Somehow you are understanding and forgiving beyond measure to us. You handle our ill tempers with such grace. For daemons such as us, it is staggering, and humbling. I regret that I have hurt you so deeply and have broken your trust. I swear it as the head of this realm I would never intentionally do so." He looks at the door handle willing it to open. " I am so sorry."

Your crying picks up again. Huge heaving sobs that rattle your chest. Great Father, he just keeps making it worse. Clearing his head Diavolo turns.

Rejection of this nature was new to him. No one had ever dared to ignore him, especially such as this. The royal in him- his father's blood- seethed that he would even stoop so low as to grovel to a short lived thing like yourself. Even deeper yet, it demanded another taste of your essences. You little soul kept safe behind your rib cage. He wanted it added to his collection, kept tucked away deep within his maws.

It was sick; it was wrong. He chokes on the idea. The intrusive thought burrowing deep. How deplorable was he? Perhaps the angels were right to keep him out of heaven.

You didn't show to class the following day, or the days after. Unsurprising to him and the seven of the inner council. He figured the other day wouldn’t change anything. But it was utter agony to him. These days trapped in his office only getting short and curt updates on your health from Lucifer. It had been a special kind of torment.

Today he sat once again at his desk staring at some godforsaken bitching of a royal cousin. He knew this whelp. Some backwater thrice removed eons ago. Yet he was demanding an audience? The gall. The ink of their eligible handwriting makes him cross eyed. Would this day ever cease? He looks to his hourglass, the sands within seemingly frozen in time.

"My Lord, perhaps you should take a moment to stretch your legs?" Barbatos moved from his corner. Gloved hand coming to rest on top of the same three lines he had been reading for the past two hours. "This work could wait another evening I’m certain ."

"Did I do the right thing my friend?" Diavolo doesn't even bother answering the question his servant posed. They both knew he wouldn't. "This program. Our human exchange students. Solomon is one thing, but-"

"Your will and path is absolute." Barbatos states. "There are no mistakes within you, merely stumblings onto different paths."

With a gentle push Barbatos moves the hulking demon out of his way to collect and organize the scrolls and letters scattered about the large desk. "You made the right choice bringing them here. Look at what they have done. They are entertainment to you are they not?"

The prince rose knocking his desk aside and descended on his butler. His true form out in all its unholy glory now. His highly condensed magic distorting the study as if he was a black hole. The axis of the room shifts. His priceless collection of books and toys disintegrating from the cold radiation he emits.

It was all for show really. There was nothing he could do to an ancient being such as Barbatos. So he lashed out, throwing a tantrum in the security of his office. The hopeless agitation he felt fueling the flames of his rage. His butler had only added holy water to his already festering wounds.

Barbatos had been by his side for time in memoriam. The crafty bastard had helped raise him. Had shaped him into the ruler he was today. If anyone could break and remold him it would be his oldest companion.

The dark haired daemon waited for the waves of agitation to dry up. Moving only when the prince was in his more presentable demonic form. Large barrel chest heaving as he reined himself in. “Are you back to your senses?” He asks coolly, already categorizing the items to replace and furniture to be mended.

"I had not meant for it to go like this."  Diavolo croaks into his hands collapsing back on what remained of his desk. Building a bridge between realms, yes. That noble idea was the greater purpose of this program, but the rest of it. The classes, and dances. The parties where he threw his newest toys about to see how they would react to things other mortals worshiped? That had been for his own curiosity and amusement. Lesser beings navigating a foreign world blind to the dangers that were right under their very nose. Bring a mortal with no magic into his realm? Deep down he knew this was an inevitability. Especially with the freedoms he granted them. He just didn’t think he would get so attached.

“No one believes that you would hurt them on purpose.” His butler cuts off his downward spiral. “It would ruin the program. That is what you are so stressed about, right?” Barbatos eyes him skeptically. Diavolo, himself, and Lucifer had spent many sleepless weeks constructing and negotiating this program. If the Arch Angels heard a mortal was hurt down here it could very well end this little escapade. But the look in the prince’s eyes told a different story.

A warm glow emanated from his cheeks and he was unable to meet the old daemon’s gaze. Ah. "Or perhaps things have changed?" Barbatos smiles coyly up from beneath his bangs. "You are your mother's son after all. Neither of you were ever able to stem your bleeding hearts for long." Diavolo squawked indignantly but didn’t argue. Instead he merely turns a darker shade of red and curses under his breath.

He skipped out on court that evening. Not that he cared much. The other nobles would no doubt use the time to gossip about his whereabouts and uncouth behavior of late. Truth be told, he was avoiding the brothers more than anything else. They had made it expressly clear (some more then others) how they felt about him currently. He wouldn't doubt that Belphegor had a few more brothers on his side now.

Instead he stood at your door once more with a tea tray in hand. He had bumped into Simone on the way. The angel had come to bring you dinner and to check up on the last of your wounds. Celestial magic worked miracles on those who have been touched by the darker arts. Diavolo was grateful for his talents. And, by some miracle, Simone had made it abundantly clear he was not going to bring this to the higher ups on his end either.

Upon seeing the prince slinking up the house's stairwell the other man had simply smiled and offered him the tray. “I suddenly got a message from Luke. Could you perhaps drop this by our friend’s door?” Diavolo had accepted without preamble, large hands dwarfing the platter of little tea cakes and sandwiches. The young cherubs work no doubt. His cooking was a fine treat, and a great incentive to at least open the door.

“Hello again.” He knocks twice. “I just wanted to check in on you. I know I am the last person you wish to see but I was hoping to talk?” Silence greets him. Were you awake? He breathes deeply and focuses on picking up your vitals. You were up, your heart thumping steady somewhere in the room. That was good. “I also have dinner for you. Simone had an urgent matter to attend to so he- for better or worse- entrusted this to me.”

Diavolo searches hopelessly for something else to say. He couldn’t just leave the food and go. He needed to see you. “I don’t plan on staying long today. I understand when I am not wanted, but I cannot help myself but be worried for you. Perhaps this is just me contritioning, because I know I caused this. The amount of times I have been called a ‘ass’ by Solomon over this have been staggering.” He rambles. After another bout of silence from your end he coincides. “I see- I will leave the food by the door and let you rest.” Defeated he puts the food down and turns to leave.

The door clicks open slowly. One bloodshot eye peeking through the crack. “Oh mio piccolo mortale.” He loses his grip on your shared tongue at a loss. You looked- you must have been in the hall longer then he or the brothers had known. Such damage couldn’t be done in a few moments. Your skin was healing as nicely as Lucifer had said, but the deep purple scarring still remained on the surface. The burn pattern of it all was random. Twisting wounds that reflected an oily sheen from the light of the hallway. “I-.”

“I know-” You cut him off with a raised hand. “and I feel as though I owe you an apology too.” Your voice was so weak and shaky. A mockery of your normally strong and jovial tone. Hearing you laugh at school had brightened the dreary halls. He hadn’t realized it until you weren't there.

“You owe me nothing.” Diavolo says in earnest. He watches you contemplate your next words before throwing whatever you were going to say away.

“Would you like to come in?” Your eyes drop to the tray. “Luke always makes more than I can eat.”

“I don’t think that would be wise.” He backs out. All his plans crashing and burning around his feet. His actions had been irreparable.

“Perhaps not,” You open the door wider taking the tray and heading to your side table, leaving him no room to argue. “But then again, being a lamb among such wolves as yourself and the brothers isn’t smart either.” You meant it as a joke but he couldn’t even muster a chuckle. It was true. Gods. “Dia-” You approach him again but falter at the last second.

As much as you wanted to be close to him again the memories were still so fresh in your mind. The cold hell fire of his magic ensnaring you, searing your skin. The whispered words of sinners long since past still echoing in your head, all in languages you’ve never heard before. The worst though had to be the screaming. Lost souls begging for help. Some sounded so familiar…You shutter involuntarily.

You wanted to hate him for this. Curse him for putting you through this pain. But how much could you blame him? Or any of them? They were daemons. Whether he meant to hurt you or not, it truly had only been a matter of time before it happened. It would be hypocritical of you to fear or hate him forever over this. Six of the seven brothers have threatened your life before, and you have forgiven them. Hell, one of them actually killed you. What’s more was that Diavolo’s wrath hadn’t even been directed at you.

Wrong place at the right time; seemed to be your forte. “Please, come in.” You repeat again firmer than before mustering up either courage or sheer human stupidity to order him in. You couldn’t tell the difference anymore. “We need to talk.”  

He enters, following at your heel like a lost puppy. All air of princedom gone as you clicked the door shut. Diavolo fiddles with his hands, old habits from childhood coming with his nerves. He didn’t know what to expect anymore. Yelling? Some kind of beratement? A plea to go home and never look back?  He would let you.

You pass by him, giving him a large berth of space to get to your seat. “Tea?”  

Diavolo jerks his head to you. He had forgotten momentarily the plate of food he had used to get access to you. You smile sheepishly pushing it and a plate of sweets towards him with your unbandaged knuckles. He doesn’t move till your hand retracts back to your lap. You jerk your head to the open seat waiting for him. You weren’t going to take no for an answer.

“I- thank you.” The daemon sits making himself as small as possible in the straight back chair. He takes the porcelain and drinks mindlessly. The scalding hot tea doing little to help the tightness of his throat, but it did thaw some of the ice in his mind.

“Are-how…” He fumbles so unsure of what to do next. “I see you’ve been keeping up with your school work.” Diavolo closes his eyes, wincing internally at his words. That’s what he comes up with? Idiotic.

You smile anyway, eyeing the massive pile of books and paperwork spewn about your bed. “Yeah. I’ve taken to doing my school work with Levi in his room. Mammon and Beel are nice enough to drop it off to the teachers when they are due.” He nods. He knew this of course. But it was nice to hear it from you. But yet, you don’t meet his eyes. Far too afraid to see what hid behind them.

The thought of being dragged back into those dark depths again makes your pulse quicken. You instead stare at your nail beds, finding them more interesting. They were purple now. The nails stained black by the contact with his magic. “Will- will that go away?” He asks. Demonic curses or taints were nigh impossible to remove fully. Disgustingly, he hoped they didn’t. Then your nails would match his. The darker depths of his soul coo at the idea, happy that in a small way every daemon would know your his. Not as good as a pact, but as close as he could get to being a part of your little mortal life.

“I’m not sure.” You reply honestly bringing your hands up to place them on the table. “Simone and Solomon have done what they could. But, it is as good as it’s going to get for now. They say it could fade with time.” You look up at him, eyes gazing to the left of his face. “Luke thinks I should see a stronger angel.” Diavolo winces, the thought stung, and terrified him. “I told him no.”

That surprised him. This was your chance. The celestial realm had been skeptical from the beginning. If they knew, it would be a perfect caveat for them to step in. “Why?” Finally you look at him. The fear was still there. Hesitation evident in your eyes. Yet you forced yourself to look at him, fighting through your trepidation.

“Did you mean what you said earlier? About your father and what you think of me?”

“Of course.” He replies without hesitation reaching for your cold hands. You flinch but don’t move away. It felt-nice. His warmth chasing away the perpetual chill that covered your fingertips. Idly you stroke his strong hands with your thumbs.

“Then, I think we can work on this privately.” Slowly but surely you felt like you could fix this. Not for the program, but for yourself.