#i have irls (the. delusional weird shit kind)

[invaderzimss]

zim walks weird asf

Title of the post, self explanatory.

He walks so odd. I walk like hin when I'm bored

Also his hand thing (where he has both like in a ">" position and the rest of his arms straight) stuck with me I haven't stopped doing it since i noticed it

I LOVE INVADER ZIM

anyways huge rant below not super intresting

[cinnamonest]

Alright, we need to know. Who are top members of the "looking at women, who're minding their own business, and talking about how sad and concerned you are for them because 'with the way they are, they'll end up single and childless for the rest of their lives and no high value man would give them a chance," club? Like on a sclae of 1-10 how delusional would they become after they realize said woman doesn't give a shit?

Honestly one of my favorite tropes is the whole, ��nooo what are you doing living your own life you're supposed to be someone's wife and having babies” thing. Like it has both benevolent aspects (the whole “you'll be happier this way” part) while also having malevolent aspects (the “you're a resource to be used and the resource is being wasted” part).

Like, even irl, there are some men who are like. Discombobulated. Baffled. At the suggestion that a woman can have other priorities in life. The sheer reeling disbelief when he sees a woman that's like 30+ with NO kids, NO husband. Unbelievable. It must be so awful for you, you must be so sad and desperate. Equally worrisome is that you might end up accepting some inferior, unsuitable guy that doesn't have the same Husbandly Quality™ of someone like himself, tragic…

But yes I’ve been thinking about this concept ever since the Diluc escape fic, and I know I’ve talked about him with that concept before, but consider CHILDE would be such a major candidate.

Childe is hopelessly drawn to you if you’re mean.

It’s honestly not healthy for his sake either, but it’s far worse to be on the receiving end. He can’t help it, it’s like waving meat in front of a hungry dog, an irresistible urge to have you.

You’re not exactly high rank, but not much of a subordinate, you’re more of an “other” category, you keep records and files and do a lot of scribe work for a division of units you’re assigned to. Unfortunately for you, higher-ups such as harbingers end up consulting you quite often for records and information… well, most of the time, they send someone else to do such a menial task for them, but he always comes in-person, waltzing in all cheerful and full of youthful energy — and loud, God. You wonder if parents these days have stopped teaching their kids about having an inside voice, because this kid certainly is unfamiliar with the concept.

You scowl, evident disgust on your face as you lazily sort through your records, not about to show any urgency for someone so annoying. You were kind of hoping to irritate him, even. But alas, he’s equally smiley and talkative when you hand him what he’s looking for.

Far too talkative. You’ve already handed him what he needs. Why is he still in here? Now he’s talking to you, asking you the dumbest questions about if you like working here and what you do and blah, blah. You didn’t ask for this. You force yourself to give answers, albeit blunt and short as possible, mostly consisting of yeah-s and sure-s, before the annoyance becomes too much and you ask through clenched teeth if he needs anything else or if he’s done here, an all-too-obvious hint to leave.

Thus marks the beginning of the bane of your existence, because unfortunately, by the will of some malicious higher power, he comes back. Regularly. Habitually. Eventually you start noticing that he isn’t even retrieving anything, half of the time, he’s coming in just to annoy you.

See, for him, it’s not just attraction, but a weird sort of pride thing. That initial coldness draws him in, because it presents a sort of challenge. He’s now overheard other people say the same thing, that you’re cold and mean to everyone.

Based on looks alone, he thinks, you’re old enough that you should be married. Maybe that’s why you’re so mean, you’re just bitter or something. Maybe you had bad luck and got hurt a bunch and now you’re all guarded. That’s actually kind of cute.

Naturally… well, naturally for him and whatever’s wrong with him, at least, it sparks an obsession. He likes chases, challenges. Things that are hard to get are that much more satisfying to obtain, you know? The feeling of having won, the feeling of being better than everyone else, knowing that he accomplished something other people can’t and now reaps the rewards, and the pride and ego boost that comes with it — that sort of thing is an intoxicating fuel, a motivator unlike anything else one could offer him. This does not combine well with the fact that he’s young and hot-blooded and in possession of a hair-triggered sexual aggression, not to mention a sense of pride for which the word ‘no’ doesn’t have any meaning.

It’s kind of sad though. Wasting your life away in some menial job, you’ll be so lonely and regretful.

You’re very lucky, then, that he takes pity on your plight. It will all work out.

Because he can fix you.

And he knows that that's just how you are — he's already composed multiple potential sad backstories that explain your behavior in a way that makes you seem cutely pitiable, that writes off your attitude as being ultimately due to being sensitive and afraid of vulnerability, very endearing — he's not deterred by you pushing him away.

In fact, he realizes, once you've opened up to him and he's forced you to expose the vulnerable side of yourself, you'll probably feel bad for all the times you were mean to him. You'll shuffle even closer (in the scene that plays out in his mind, see, you'll be in bed, naked, face buried against his chest, all clingy and needy) and quietly sheepishly mutter out apologies and ask him to forgive you.

Or maybe after a while, if he keeps being nice to you, you'll break down and cry and be more honest about how sad and lonely you are and how much you need him and then he'll be right there to hold you close and promise to be there for you, it'll be really sweet and will make him very happy. He's already planned out several lines to say that should elicit enjoyable reactions.

It will be so cute. It will feel so good. It’s just a matter of winning you over at this point.

Which, you see, proves to be the difficult part.

He’s getting there, he’s certain, you’re just a little more stubborn than he anticipated.

He’s already started trying to work his way there, during his regular visits. He’s already asked you if you’re married, watched the way your face turned all sour the moment the word came out and the way you rolled your eyes before you muttered a no. Ah. Sore spot, then, as expected.

And then asks if you have kids — because the first answer doesn't necessarily negate that possibility, and ‘jaded single mom with a bad ex' is one of the potential backstories he's theorized for you, so, it's worth asking. You still say no.

The ideal response, then, is—

That's too bad. You would make a good mother!

You narrow your eyes and glare like he's just said the most vile thing you've ever heard. But it's okay, it's cute that you’re so defensive (because you know he’s right and it’s what you really want).

It doesn't matter what you say, any words that come out of your mouth will be filtered through his delusions to match the reality he's already decided is the case.

You say you don't want to get married, this means you actually really do, you say you don't need a man, which means you actually really do and are aware of it and it bothers you, you say you're fine by yourself, which means you're very lonely, it's practically a cry for help.

He'll keep being nice, no matter how much you push back. He can tell it's just because you're sensitive. Maybe you think someone as young and charming as him wouldn't sincerely like you, and you're being defensive? That's probably it. Aw. That makes him feel good.

Poor thing. You're so defensive, so guarded. It's endearing, even if it's starting to get a little frustrating. But it will just take a little more work before he gets through to you, and then everything will work out perfectly… and then he’ll have a nice trophy for all his efforts, can savor the defeat and vulnerability you’ll show. You'll become so meek and submissive and it'll be just for him and no one else. It’ll be so nice. Just a little more time.

[delusinaldreamer19]

✨Intro post✨

Hello! Welcome to my blog. Here’s a little about me,

General stuff:

Cis fem irl, but online I prefer they/them because I don’t really want to attach a gender to myself & would like to be viewed more neutrally. But don’t be surprised if I say things like “I’m just a girl!”

18 year old college student, who’s energy and motivation are as inconsistent as my grades.

I sadly don’t have a fun quirky name for you to call me 😭. I’m incredibly tempted to say “just call me delusional!” because I think that’s hilarious. But I have a smidge 🤏to much self respect to do that lol.

About me:

I have ADHD, the not-fun, shitty, neurodivergent kind that makes everything hard.

I suck at spelling. Auto correct is my biggest opp.

I'm an equestrian 🐴

I yap like a mf

I am a maladaptive daydreamer. Meaning that I have extensive, sometimes (more often then not) compulsive, daydreams that are very vivid and can last for hours on end. That’s what my user name is referring to.

I've been so aggressively hyperfixated on Black Butler/Kuroshitsuji for the past 6 years it's not even funny.

That seems like a good place to transition onto the next segment…

What's on my blog?

A lot of my daydreams revolve around black butler, whether it's the characters interacting or story lines I've come up with. And I've discovered that writing them out helps me from becoming so enwrapped in them, sort of like getting it out of my system. CASE AND POINT I have a few fanfictions :)

Fanfic masterlist

Other then that,

I sometimes have funny thoughts

I sometimes like to make long analytical rants about things in black butler

Fanfic Recs

and yeah I think that's it 🤗

Things of note:

There may be some suggestive comments or jokes on my blog, but I don’t post smut. Same goes for fanfics. (That may be subject to change some day)

⚠️I do not ship Sebaciel ⚠️ I don’t like it, but I can’t stop you from liking or commenting or following (Oh yeah I look through all y’all’s blogs to see if u got Sebaciel on there), just don’t bring it into anything I post. ie, no tagging as Sebaciel or commenting sum in favor of it. BUT MOST OF ALL, if you ship sebaciel pls DNI with any of my fanfics. The thought of anything I write bring perceived through the lens of that ship makes me extremely uncomfortable. That is a boundary of mine, please respect it.

Also, please do not send me hate. Not because I’m a little bitch and can’t take it, but b/c I have weird paranoia and the one time I got sent anon hate from sebaciel shippers I convinced myself that these random ppl on the internet were going to find where I live and 🔫me 😃. So yeah, please don’t do that.

I occasionally make little vent/complaining post about random things. Feel free to disregard them. I often just need to get it out of my system and don’t have many outlets. And lord knows my mental health is in shambles. But they don’t include triggering topics, and if they do I’ll add warnings.

Shit this post is long asf my bad

[eisforeidolon]

I don't think it's at all surprising that of all the factions in this fandom, it's the hellers who have such a repeated problem with intensely cult-y subgroups.

In my experience, all of the groups have their own weird, ugly corners. I think the pull of desperation to belong and fit in (especially for people who already feel lonely or vulnerable) is easy to underestimate. So yeah, there's a certain amount of petty bullshit us vs. them infighting to be expected in a space filled with different groups who ostensibly like the same thing - but only really value entirely different aspects of it. However. For most people, there will be obvious lines that are too far. Especially when we're talking about an online group where you can never be forcibly isolated from others the same way you could be by a cult IRL. Full on blatant outright lies, bigoted attacks, doxing, telling people to die, etc.

So why do those lines get crossed anyway, especially by organized groups of bullies in fandoms? I think there are plenty of other factors having to do with our impulses as humans when it comes to group behavior - because hellers aren't exactly unique for this shit? But I suspect in hellers' case particularly, their fandom enjoyment being based entirely in a delusional shared reality about the show plays a not inconsiderable part.

Like, you can't be a heller to start with unless you're willing to take the opinions and theories of internet randos as more valid about the show than TPTB (and the show itself). So the entire group as a whole has been self-selected for people who are looking for others to tell them what they want to hear over reality and common sense. They need leaders to follow and they need to believe those people have super special insight and authority which will ultimately prove them all right about the ship. If those leaders can be wrong about one thing (how to interact appropriately online), what else might they be wrong about (like the ship being totes canon/the most important lurve story evar)? And that? That is untenable to their whole identity in fandom as hellers crusaders for Very Important Representation! So of course they ignore not only how shitty the kinds of people who will happily jump into those roles of pseudo-authority are towards outsiders (who deserve it for ignoring The Truth™ about D/C), but even how shitty they will be to group members who don't toe the line or they take a random dislike to (who must also surely deserve it).

At least until suddenly it's them who are being shit on. For some, that can be a genuine wakeup call to how absurd and ugly the whole thing is. But it isn't a surprise when others just continue being self-deluding assholes because they're only upset the group turned on them this time. This particular leader was just the wrong guru! They're still ready and willing to believe and do whatever they need to for The Cause™.

[ebbarights]

Plz talk about your crush more I love hearing about ppls crushes it warms my hearttttt

don't tempt me...... okay tempted

also part of me thinks this is someone i know irl who wants to blackmail me but what is this. love simon

okay SO. i am not utterly delusional i think in reality he's just a generally kind person who likes talking to people and maybe thinks i'm nice but he isn't interested in me. like as a disclaimer

so we worked together for a short-term festival like thing and saw each other almost every day for almost two weeks. and almost every time we had a bit of free time we talked to each other (even though there were other people i feel like it was often the two of us) and maybe i'm just starved from horrible bumble conversations but he asked. me. questions. and follow-ups. as in he was actually listening to me. and we talked about movies a lot and i think he had interesting things to say idk

and again this is probably bumble trauma but our texting styles are so similar. no 😂 no full stops no long paragraphs, double texts instead. like it's so easy to text him it felt like we have always been doing it. the texting thing stands in for all of it it's just so easy talking to him, i'm not even super nervous because i know he'll hear me out if i say something embarrassing

also and i hate to say that that matters but he's so tall. i'm 5'8 and it's such a weird feeling to have to look up at someone it's kind of cool

and i think his master's thesis sounds really interesting and i think we have very similar political opinions. like he's pro-palestine, very queer-friendly and shit idk apparently that's rare now if i look at my friends' boyfriends

but i also have to talk about the sad fact that he isn't really into me I THINK. cause we were texting and he asked me what i thought of a movie and then he went to see it because i liked it and then we texted for a bit and in the middle of it he stopped responding. and i had another thing i had to text him, like organisational work stuff, and he didn't take that opportunity to have a longer conversation. i think his text back sounded really neutral and non-committal (my friend said it wasn't it was really nice but i think she was humouring me) and now i can't text him again because that's desperate

but maybe i'll see him at a party on friday and i'll definitely see him at a work thing in late october and we do have that mutual friend who always talks about him. i'm split between her being into him or her wanting to set him up with me. idk i can't place her in that regard. we did say we'd all watch a movie together but how do i get that to actually happen

sorry i didn't talk about his eye colour or his deep voice or something i'm just not that type of person. but he does have nice eyes and a deep voice. jsyk

[keybord-caps]

Pinned Post

Hi, Welcome to our system, disorders, and extra stuff blog. our fun awesome blog where we have pawblems and issues and hold more personal things tied to our identity as parts and a whole. We like to keep this blog super nice and tidy and organized, so if the amount of tags we have and use is a bit overwhelming, I do apologize! It's so nice and tidy...

We do experience Delusional Attachments/Overlaps, also ig known as being an IRL and it effects the system in various ways.

Try to harrass us for literally anything and you get blocked. Try to be weird about us being a system, having overlaps, having disorders, etc and you get blocked. We don't have time nor energy to waste on stupid shit anymore. We WILL Thrive.

Stay Hydrated, Fed, Vitamined, make sure you Rest, take your Meds, and keep yourself and those around you that you care for safe. High, Low, No or Fluxating Empathy, your feelings still matter.

Freq Fronter Intros, Links, Tags we use, DNI, and Creds Under the Cut for Convenience ♡

Freq Fronters

Host

⇦ Maxwell

⇧ 21

⇨ Something[s]!

⇩ It/She/He/Co/Code/

⇦ Xenoflux

⇧ Idemromantic Aspec Omni

⇨ Made of a LOT of things, we don't even know !!!

⇩ Regresses! She has a blog for this

Co-Host+Caretaker

⇦ Doug Eiffel

⇧ 34

⇨ Human

⇩ He/Him

⇦ Cis Man

⇧ Bi?

⇨ Prefers people he isnt close to to call him Eiffel

⇩ We call him a horse because of a joke made about his source

Frontkeeper

⇦ Mikhail

⇧ 26 [?]

⇨ Mostly Human-Looking Demon

⇩ He/It/Cri/Crime/Pun/Punishment/Bun/Bunself/Nib/Nibble/Bi/Bite

⇦ Genderunholy, Bungender, Rabbitgender

⇧ Arospec+Aspec Gay

⇨ His area is right outside of front, easy to get into front. He has a guy who stays with him

⇩ Has prosthetics that line up with some parts of the body the brain has weird feelings about [Wants To Remove Them]

Gatekeeper

⇦ Chicago

⇧ None

⇨ Mechanical+Computer Dragon

⇩ It/He/She [doesnt care]

⇦ ???

⇧ ???

⇨ Technically always in front

⇩ Is Up !

Blog Links + Credits

Main Blog

Maxwell's Regression Blog

Divider Masks made by azure-recesses

NPD Flag made by npdflag

BPD Flag made by dragoneating

Icon Mask made by azure-recesses

BPD System Flag in icon made by sadowife

NPD System Flag in icon made by outergodly

System Tags

-blurry : Signed off as blurry. for when we are ! Blurry

-[name] : used for headmates without a specific tag

LOLCAT Pawgrammer : Maxwell posts

Comms Horse : Eiffel Post

Daemonic Rabbit : Mikhail Posts

Mechanical Dragon : Chicago Posts

Caps Folder : General System's Favs

Maxwell Folder : Maxwell's favs

Eiffel Folder : Eiffel's favs

Mikhail Folder : Mikhail's favs

Chicago folder : Chicago's favs

General Organization Tags

booting up : our posts

rebooting : reblogs

.txt : posts with text

.png : posts with image[s]

.gif : posts with gif[s]

.mp4 : posts with video[s]

.mp3 : posts with audio[s]

.jar : posts with poll[s]

.bat : posts with link[s], only for saving 'important' ones

Tarot Desk : important system to us

Mosiac Symphony : important system to us

Specific Kinds of Posts Tags

Userboxes : Posts with Userboxes we align with

Disorder Flags : Flags based on Disorders

System Flags : Flags based on Systems

Role Flags : Flags based on Roles

Headmate Flags : Flags based on types of Headmates

Gender Flags : Flags based on Genders

Orientation Flags : Flags Based on Orientation

Attraction Flags : Flags based on Attraction

Other Flags : Flags based on Other Things :D A Catch-All

DNI List

Zoos/Pedos/MAPs/NoMAPS + Pro contact harmful paraphilias

Zionists, Racists, Israel Supporters

Believe in Personality Disorder Abuse [Narc Abuse, Borderline Abuse, Histrionic Abuse, ETC]

Transphobes, Transmeds, Terfs, Radfems

Homohobes, Queerphobes

Anti-Mogai, Anti-Xenogenders, Anti-Neopronouns

anti-mspec gays+lesbians, anti contradictory labels

Com+Proshippers

TransID, Radqueer

Nontraumagenics [Mixed Origins Included], Endos, Tulpamancers, Endo Positives/Supporters [We dont think anyones really faking, just dont wanna interact]

Pro Harrassment or Doxxing of Anyone

We also block based on vibes and sometimes just not liking something👍

I can and will add to this list. I also have the forget disorder so things may be missing

Our earlier message about selfcare applies for people on the dni as well. You can grow no matter what. Wether you want to or not. Its pawsible. Shit gets better. ♡

[bisluthq]

Nat NOOOOO no shade but I had a feeling that you were gonna say you have it set with your bf.

Wait wait spill the tea so what exactly caused the insecurity cuz other girls tryna sneak up on your man or?? Did you ever do it with previous partners or just this 1

no I actually set it that way because he was getting really jealous of my guy friends/dudes I interact with which… is funny to me because before him I was mostly dating girls for quite a long time so I did collect a lot of guy friends? Anyway he’d be like “who’s this” when some people would message me - I have one guy who messages me a lot about Taylor actually lol like we’re irl Swiftie friends but yes he is a straight guy and my bf found that a bit sus - and look I’m gonna be honest I don’t help my case because a few of them I have hooked up with (like yes the Swiftie and I had sex ONE TIME but we were both VERY drunk so idk that it even really counts and I’ve counseled him through his subsequent rs and he gives me rs advice and then obviously that other guy I recently reconnected with and I did go through a phase of hooking up) but like it didn’t go anywhere like it was just a hookup with a friend lmao? Anyway. So I was like “look you’re literally in my pfp what kind of delusional loser would think he’s got a serious shot because we hooked up once or a couple times like ages ago and also a guy messaging me about Taylor Swift is really just trying to talk to me about Taylor Swift I fucking promise u he lives in Scotland he isn’t trying to fuck me” 💀💀💀💀

So I did it for him and because I was feeling a bit bad about like talking to these guys even though it wasn’t like weird convos at all? But given there ARE a bunch of women trying to like slide into his DMs it’s also good in that regard I think. I wouldn’t ask him to make me his pfp but any normal woman would do a bit of stalking and he’s posted me a few times and if she clicks on me she’ll see my pfp and not DM. And if she still does then I can’t help her but then it’s up to him not to entertain that shit (which generally speaking he does not lol like to the point of putting girlies on speaker if they do call him).

[marbles-for-breakfast]

There’s not a lot that I necessarily take issue with here, but I guess I want to respond to a few things. (This is long though)

Firstly, I don’t have “suspicions of trauma I don’t want to look into” as much as I simply understand that there’s a very strong link between CDD’s and trauma and I haven’t decided to rule it out with no reason. I actually don’t really have suspicions of any particular kind of trauma. And the only real evidence I have that I may have had more serious childhood trauma than I thought is the fact that I think I have a CDD. I think I don’t ascribe an unknown trauma to the formation of my system. That logic feels a little circular to me, at least rn.

I guess the other point I’m trying to make is that I’m not ignoring signs of trauma or trying to insist there’s nothing there. I acknowledge that there might be, but until I have actual evidence of it, I’ve decided not to speculate (which has, again, helped me greatly). But yeah, that’s something I wanted to clarify.

Second, I know that growing up autistic can be very traumatic, and if someone really cared about pinpointing a reason for being this way that’s something they could point to. Maybe there’s something I’ll remember one day. Maybe there’s not. Ultimately, I don’t really care atm.

I guess I haven’t seen anyone advocate not seeking help. I definitely want to see specialists when I have the chance (none in my area, unfortunately), and I guess I haven’t seen anyone else saying that endos don’t need therapy. I could be missing things, obviously, but I haven’t experienced the rhetoric you’re trying to counter there, so it felt weird to me.

Again, I don’t insist on these things. I actually try to be quite careful to not piss off any potential trauma holders by saying things like “I don’t have evidence/memory of that happening” when I have intrusive thoughts speculating about this stuff, rather than saying “that didn’t happen”, or something. I very much acknowledge that things might have happened that I’m not aware of. I don’t think we’ll be at a place where people might be ready to talk about it for quite some time, though.

Ultimately, like you, I do kind of take issue with the term itself. I don’t see it as redundant, necessarily. I just think there are more useful distinctions to make. The two binaries I think are more useful are disordered/non-disordered and created by oneself/not created by oneself. I fit into the less contentious sides of both those categories and don’t know too much about the other side, so I’m not going to talk about it more. Those are just examples, because plurality encompasses such a wide range of experiences, and we do need some way to distinguish between them sometimes. I don’t think the trauma/endo binary is a very good way to make those distinctions, especially since it’s all extremely speculative, ultimately. But I digress, since we agree on this point.

I don’t feel like I’m separated from other systems, with the big exception of systems who do really cling to the label of traumagenic (and even moreso the ones who call you delusional for wanting to identify as anything else). I only feel separated from other systems when they’re yelling at plurals who aren’t traumagenic and I don’t know where I stand. I guess because I’ll never be able to prove what my origin label should be (bc no one can and that’s why they’re kinda bullshit), I feel like I always have one foot in the endo door. So when people come for endos, it feels a little personal. And I do feel alienated from systems who engage that kind of rhetoric. But I also know that most systems irl don’t actually care what you call yourself and syscourse is a pretty online issue. I’ll be happy to be able to engage with this stuff and be open about it in person when I finally get the chance.

Okay, now the things I actually take issue with.

First, I knew you would latch onto that tag and I probably shouldn’t have included it but I was being open and honest and vulnerable and shit. You don’t outright say I’m doing anything for attention, but I don’t know why you would have brought it up if you weren’t kind of saying that. So here: not identifying as traumagenic has not gotten me any more attention than I would have gotten otherwise. I don’t scroll these tags for attention. I don’t even think I argue with people for attention. I argue because people are saying something wrong enough to piss me off or that I think I can change their mind on. Or I argue because the things people say make me feel unnoticed and unwanted and I feel a need to get them to acknowledge me. Usually in these instances, it’s a mix of the two.

1. I’m not in any more of an echo chamber than anyone else.

2. I’m going to say this every time it’s mentioned here because I care about being perceived correctly: I don’t deny any of my trauma. I don’t have a lot that I know about, but if I had evidence of something I wouldn’t just deny it. Or at least I hope I wouldn’t feel the need to do that. Because it’s obviously not healthy. I don’t think that and I don’t advocate for it. In my last post I tried to point out that some people might need to time to come to terms with other things before being confronted with their trauma. I stand by that. What I don’t believe should happen is people are confronted with their trauma and “vehemently deny” it. That’s not healthy for anyone. I also don’t think anyone is advocating for that. I assume most “traumagenics in denial” that are out there (and I’m sure they do exist) are people like me who are not “in denial” as much as they simply haven’t been told about this stuff yet. But I don’t think it’s fair to say that someone is in denial if they literally just don’t have all the information yet. Maybe there are endo hosts that insist they don’t have trauma despite being told otherwise by other members of their system. But I seriously doubt that’s a common enough problem to make the label dangerous. Especially since a lot of endo systems are very open about the fact that they do have trauma, just don’t believe it formed their system for whatever reason.

I do think that systems like that should really share a label with systems who do believe their system was formed from trauma. Because if trauma is very intertwined with your system and/or you experience severe dissociative symptoms then you should be part of the same group as other people with those experiences, regardless of the narrative you have about your origin. That’s ultimately one of my biggest frustrations with those labels.

To your last point: I don’t think anyone’s trying to convince anyone else that they don’t have trauma or a trauma disorder. Some people have trauma disorders and still identify as endo. That was the case for the creator of the term, actually. I honestly think a major problem with this area of syscourse is that “endogenic” means waaaay too many different things, which makes it really confusing to talk about. Some endos have trauma and a CDD but don’t believe their plurality was caused by trauma alone. Some endos don’t have a significant amount of childhood trauma or a CDD, but were just born this way or something. Some endos became plural on purpose through various methods I have no real knowledge about. Some endos have origins that are very intertwined with spirituality, sometimes creating systems though specific spiritual practices. Some endos believe their systems came about through some sort of supernatural means. It really does mean too many wildly different things.

“We, since we’ve been Actually Healing, don’t need to be seen as “smart and reasonable”. We simply state what we feel to be true.”

Isn’t that literally what endos are doing? It’s certainly what I’m doing. I know I have issues. I was literally pointing them out when I said those things. Like, good for you for not having them anymore, but I don’t understand why you felt the need to point that out?

“You are actively neglecting parts of yourself when you refuse trauma work (refusing is different then not being ready).”

I would think it would be difficult to do trauma work on trauma you literally don’t remember. I’m not refusing, and I’m not even not ready. I guess the people who might have the trauma aren’t ready, and we do not have a space to unpack that since there’s no one in our area who can treat us, but I’m not “not ready”. And I’m certainly not refusing to confront something that I looked for and couldn’t find. All that speculating, all that shit that actively did harm my mental health, that was my attempt to find out what might’ve happened to me so that I could figure out what to do next. It didn’t work and it made things worse. I’m not running away by leaving it alone until everyone else is ready. You seem to think any trauma holders I might have are desperately trying to get me to acknowledge this shit, but I think if they exist, they’re most likely actively trying to keep this from me. I feel like that’s probably pretty common, actually.

You seem to think I’m refusing help. That’s perplexing and actually sounds pretty condescending when you consider the fact that I said I want help in the tag you highlighted. I don’t know where this is coming from or what gave you the idea that I don’t want therapy or to work through any trauma I might have. That’s exactly what I want, actually. That was an assumption that doesn’t make sense to me and again, feels pretty condescending. Of course I need fucking therapy. Everyone kinda does, but I definitely do. I’ve been in and out of it since I was 13 (almost 19 now). I’m on meds! I have been for years! I don’t reject therapy and I bet most endos would benefit from it. I bet a lot of them already are going to therapy. I don’t see anyone saying that endos don’t need therapy. I don’t know where you’re getting that stuff from.

I also don’t understand how a system refusing to acknowledge their trauma reinforces harmful arguments that singlets make, but that’s beside the point. I don’t want to litigate that.

Anyway, in conclusion, I greatly resent some of the assumptions made about me in your response. Mainly, the assumption that I am resisting working through my trauma or healing in general. It’s a little offensive, honestly. Other than that, we agree this is stupid. I’ve said my piece. I think we’re in agreement about the kinds of things that need to change in this community and the general direction it needs to go. We agree that the division is completely pointless when it comes to systems like us.

I do ultimately want to thank you for trying to meet me where I’m at and help me. Just being seen, and somewhat understood means a lot, honestly. It’s kind of why I come here, actually.

Sorry this was long, I guess. This is kind of how I work through these things. And I guess I want you to know that even if this was pretty much a waste of time for you, I did get some things out of it, and I’m always glad to hear different nuanced perspectives on things. This is all complicated, and I’m starting to get the feeling there isn’t really a “right” opinion in this whole discourse. As long as people try to be understanding and don’t just dismiss each other’s opinions without listening.

Anyway, bye.

"Endos" do you know why you're hated?

Because there are GROWN ADULTS who get put through horrific trauma and have no idea for years and years. Most people don't accurately remembers their childhood as it is. So what makes your lack of knowledge of any trauma despite being plural so fucking special?

If you insist it's a coincidence then "professionals" whose real profession is HARMING CHILDREN FOR PROFIT will use your testimony against victims everywhere.

Stay blissfully ignorant if you want but shut the fuck up about your lack of desire to understand your own mind. Make up all the words you want, it changes nothing. Plurality is a defense against trauma amd that defense is AMNESISA-BASED. THE AMNESIA IS INHERENT. IT'S HOW YOU'RE SEPARATE FROM YOURSELVES TO BEGIN WITH

So yeah starting to understand why the community is so obsessed with hating on you peoplw. Personally I feel bad for you; no one can ask you to explain or even remember your trauma to be "valid." The trauma is a given; stop preaching false hope to everyone in denial.

[juvederm]

oversharing, being mentally ill possibly

i genuinely don't know if this is a legitimate phenomenon or not, but i have friends who "IRL" characters (call them delusions at times), and i kind of don't get it. it kinda seems like kinning to me. i described how i felt about my attachment to josh, and my friend related to a T but still called theirs a delusion. and correct me if im wrong but like... aren't delusions something that u don't know is happening... like ur not aware ur being delusional. but my friends seemed very like, aware. complete opposite.

so they tend to get upset when you "double" (meaning like, you kin or "IRL" the same character as them), or shit talk the character in any way. i kind of related to that aspect, just being overly protective of a character. but since my friend related to me, i assumed i had like a safe space to vent abt my actual frustrations with like, having this heavy of an attachment so i'll get into that now.

because josh is like my most liked loved admired character in my arsenal, i always projected onto him. when i was 14-15, i didn't call him a kin, because i didn't exactly relate to his canon version. instead i made a version of him i related to, and he was Literally me at that point. but also not. and comically as time went on, i noticed i was becoming more like his canon version, but also staying like the projection version of him (bc he literally had the same interests as me, same music taste, same fashion sense, same everything). this all snowballed into a weird thing where now he's become apart of my brain. he has like his own thoughts and feelings and opinions, sometimes i say things that he thinks and it gets me in trouble at times. i worry that like he might take over? and that i won't have any original thoughts? even tho this version of him is a mix of canon and projection. like we have to share some of the same thoughts but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. like i differ from him in some ways, for example, he's like a different type of intelligent from me, he likes castlevania and fighting games, etc.

along with this, i also have a sort of gender envy for him. i always wanted to look like him, be socialized the same way he was, have all the same friends as him, like i really wanted to Be him. so i took his name as a start. and it's always been a smack in the face to look in the mirror and not see That. being confronted with a girl reflection.

so i coped pretty hard. it became somewhat dissociative? i don't know if that's the right word, but i genuinely departed from my physical self whenever i'd do my "rituals" (i say this tentatively because i know this is a term used for OCD, which i'm not entirely sure i have or not), and my rituals always had to be the following thing: between 1-4:30 AM, at least an hour long, they had to have a Story, and they had to be Useful. and another thing, absolutely NO LIGHT. and it wasn't like i wanted to do them (i sometimes did), i HAD to do them. i've been very irritable the past few days because i've been missing them (literlaly bc i fixed my sleep schedule loool) and it's just been upsetting me.

it became hard to do anything, i've had these rituals since i was a kid. they always had to do with something i was currently obsessing over. always at night too. nothing really changed there. when i got to high school, i realized i was never going to be josh, or that ideal projection of him. because he was Me but he was also Me If I Did Anything With My Life. but i got to school, i wore the same black hoodie everyday, i didn't talk to anyone, i had my headphones on 24/7. and talking to people physically made me ill. i actually could not do it, because i would have an out of body experience where i would see myself through the eyes of whoever i was talking to, and see myself as who i ACTUALLY was, rather than the person i became during my rituals. and it stressed me out every single day i went to school, and on top of me just being a very slow worker (i cannot do deadlines), having dysphoria and depression, i couldn't Do school anymore. so i dropped out.

and nobody got why i did, i'm still very much judged for my decision but it was for my Own good. i've not been Great but my quality of life definitely improved a little bit after i dropped out. and i hate socializing with people as who i physically am, i hate being perceived when i can't control what i look like (can't start T, can't cut my hair, can't dress masculine), so i'm just a Girl to everyone which isn't necessarily a bad thing. i just want to CONTROL when i feel like a girl, i don't want it to be my natural state because i want to be Both. a girl and a boy. during my rituals, i always feel like a boy. to be honest, i feel like josh. that's the best i can describe it.

and back to my original point, i basically said all of this (although more condensed), and admitted that i disliked that disconnect i had by looking in the mirror and not seeing josh, i think my friend got upset by that? by me saying like, i wasn't who i feel and thought i was, and i think they took it as me saying "ur not (insert character) irl, just look in the mirror" but that's not at all what i was trying to say. i'm not rly defending myself here bc who am i defending myself to? like whoever's reading this is not like, thibking im the villain hopefully

but yeah. anyway. did you pray today

[likeastarstar]

I don't know if you do like, headcannon posts but I'm just curious- what kind of personality types do you think each of the members would date?

This is a fun question omg. Let me put my thinking cap on- to preface this, the boys will date whoever they want to and my head cannons are just that---- HEADcannons. Also, if you don't fit into any of these categories then bro it's fine, I probably don't either LOL. idk them irl obviously but in my delusional mind, let's take a journey down this gender neutral rabbit hole. (fan chant order, because, obviously.)

Kim Namjoon- I think he'd date someone pretty calm. Like, they'd need to be really introspective and smart (arguably smarter than him). I think it would be really sweet if like he met someone and like was instantly obsessed with hearing them talk and the way their brain thinks and the little comments they make under their breath. I think he'd fall in love really fast and really hard but he a super mature partner in a relationship. I think he'd like someone who's a little weird and awkward and makes weird jokes that no one really pays attention to in a group but he hears them and they make him laugh and that's all that matters.

Kim Seokjin- I think he'd date someone really independent. Like a Bad Ass who intimidates everyone because of how put together they seem but still has the funniest, most likable personality. I think I could see him being with someone who has their own career, their own goals, their own version of how they want their life to be and Jin fits into that perfectly which is great- but it's very much of like, both of them making active plans to be together. I think he'd be with someone who's down to do nothing and low maintenance.

Min Yoongi- BRAT TAMER MIN YOONGI AGENDA! I fully think it would be so incredibly funny if he ended up with a pillow prince/princess who wants what they want, knows how to ask for it, and expects to receive it. Like, imagine him just sitting back and watching the person he was with throw the biggest attitude to someone (only if they deserved it) and just like...smirked. Also, he's so good at banter AHHH he's so good at banter. MLM is my ideal yoongi pairing LOL

Jung Hoseok- I would love to see hobi with someone completely opposite to J-Hope and exactly the same as Hoseok at the same time. What I mean by that is like the most sarcastic, surly, standoffish person. I'm picturing a cat and dog relationship. Like, you invite them to a party and they walk in and Hobi's like HEY! and they're in that back like hey. But they're also the same bc they both curse a lot, are incredibly trendy and cool, and are into the same things. I also think the person who goes out w him needs to be cooler than him lol like they show him good music he's never heard before and buys him trendy sneakers and takes him to shows he loves.

Park Jimin- Jimin needs a bestie as a bae. He, in my mind, dates his best friend and they do everything together and it's the most comfortable relationship. They're solid and stable and they love each other a lot. I bet they'd hold hands everywhere and all of his friends love them and all of your friends love him and it's just great. Your mom sends him more gifts than she does for you and you guys are just soulmates.

Kim Taehyung- Tae's gonna end up with the weird hot person. Just like him! I fully believe no one boring or relatively normie could date him lol. I think they'd have to be just as much of a romantic as him, just as wistful and childlike, and have just as niche of a sense of humor. I think they'd do shit like try random hobbies just for the hell of it and when you go visit their house they give you a tour and they're like "This is the rug I made!" or "Yes this is from my candle phase". Idk, vante lives on strong in my head. Also, I bet he'd date someone who plays an instrument or dances or something.

Jeon Jungkook- Jungkook has to date someone perfect. No, just kidding- but he would date someone who's like weirdly good at a lot of things like him and an adrenaline junkie. I wrote one drabble about OC telling JK he stole her personality and I think that's what I see in my head. As long as you're down to hang off a mountain edge, I think you're pretty solid in his book. I just think he'd want a down ass (gender neutral) bitch. I'm gonna write a full drabble about this soon but they'd also need to be a big dog person, obviously bc of bammie.

These are fun, feel free to send more questions like this my way.

[persepholline]

I've read that article about the romanticization of the Darkling and while I absolutely understand people who are pissed off/sad and I agree that it's shitty, I find LB's attitude towards Darkles stans very funny in a "girl what are you doing" sort of way because it's so petty like I've never heard of a bestselling author writing a portion of their fans into their books as a crazy cult before, it clearly hit a nerve

I'm new to the fandom but the feeling I get is she wrote something problematic ten years ago and became very embarrassed about it afterwards so she turned on the fans that liked it as a way to absolve herself. Especially since fandoms in general have become a lot more focused on discussion of what constitutes healthy/acceptable relationships to write about. And in a way I get it I had a huge Twilight phase in high school and afterwards I was super embarassed about it because of how problematic and cringe it was. But now with distance and more maturity I'm able to both still see why it was problematic and also why I was drawn to it (mostly the very unhinged representation of female desire) and like...it's really not the end of the world and no it never made me believe that breaking into somebody's room at night to watch them sleep was actually ok in real life lmao. This feels so obvious to me but apparently it needs to be said.

(More under the break this is turning into an essay, I've been thinking of this a lot recently)

And of course it's good to have these discussions about how historically romance tropes have echoed social dynamics of men's shitty behavior being romanticized and excused. But these days they often are so simplistic and focused on chasing clout that they become this weird new puritanism and moral panic about oh now women are reading novels it's going to make them hysterical or something

So you have these weird assumptions that you can't like a character and also be critical of their actions, or enjoy certain parts of a character and not others, or wish they were written differently and like them more for their potential (which I'm sure stings a bit for an author lol) - it assumes that if you like a character it means you would approve of their actions in real life, or that people just stupidly reproduce whatever they see on TV. That tendency to treat fictional characters like real people is the thing that actually worries me, to be honest, because it indicates a lack of distance and critical capacities regarding how stories are used and received. But people - fans and authors - are so scared of being called out as problematic and harassed for it that they're going to shy away from any nuance.

And yeah I think that it's good that standards of what constitutes an ideal relationship are evolving and becoming more feminist and communicative and all that and we definitely need more of that. But not all fiction has to be aspirational! Sometimes you just want to read about fucked up shit, because it's cathartic or fascinating, even healing at times because with fiction you are absolutely in control and can choose when to close the book. Toxic relationships in fiction can have an appeal specifically because they go to extremes of feeling that we don't want to go to in reality, in exactly the same way as horror movies or very violent action movies - which I don't see a lot of people besides fundamentalist Christians argue that they turn you into violent psychopaths (and that feels very obviously sexist). And for women, who are often taught growing up that love is the purpose of life, the "saving someone with your ability to love" can be a power fantasy in the same way that being a buff superhero who saves the day with their capacity for incredible violence can be a power fantasy for men. Still doesn't mean those women are going to fall in love with actual murderers or that those men are going to start beating up people at night. And love is scary, and weird, and weirdly close to horror at times, with all the potential for loss of self and being vulnerable and overwhelming feelings and potential for being horribly hurt and it should be possible for stories to explore that without anybody screaming about how this is going to Corrupt the Youth or something

And I mean I get it LB wanted to write a cautionary tale for teenagers, but it just did not work for reasons a lot of people have already written about - the fact that the Darkling is the leader of an oppressed minority and is the only one with a real political agenda to end that oppression in the first trilogy, the fact that he helps Alina come into her own power while her endgame LI is someone she keeps herself small for, that she's shamed for wanting power after growing up without any, a generally very wonky conception of privilege, and a lot of other stuff with yucky regressive implications to the point where stanning the villain actually feels liberating and empowering which is a surefire sign that the narrative is broken (unless it's a villain focused story lmao). But of course that Fanside article makes almost no mention of the political dynamics, it's all about interpersonal stuff which is an annoying trend in YA, there are those massive events happening in the background but it's made all about the feelings of the hero(ine) ; war as a self-development quest (which is kind of gross). Helnik is kind of an example of this too - I like them, I think they're fun ! But Matthias spends a big part of the story wanting to brutally murder Nina and her kind, and he mostly changes his mind because he finds her hot. Like you don't feel there is some sort of big revelation that his entire moral system and political framework is completely rotten ; it's all better because of feelings now.

As a teenager that kind of sanctimonious bullshit would have annoyed the hell out of me ; I read those books in my early twenties and I found the ending so stupid I wouldn't have trusted any message or life lessons coming from them. And I liked reading/watching dark stuff as a teenager, as a way to deal with the very intense inner turmoil I was dealing with - and I turned out fine ! Meanwhile I've seen several times women in very shitty relationships being obsessed with positive energies and stories ; they were so terrified of their life not being perfectly wholesome they ended up being delusional about their own situations.

Like personally I think the Darkling is a compelling, interesting, alluring character and also a manipulative, murderous piece of shit and that Alina should get to punish him (like in a sexy way) - but he's also the end result of centuries of war, oppression and trauma and reducing that to "toxic wounded boy" feels kind of offensive ngl ESPECIALLY since the books don't offer any kind of systemic analysis or response to oppression beyond "the bad guy should die" and "now the king/queen is a good guy our problems are solved!!!!"

In Lives of the Saints, we see how Yuri is abused extremely badly and almost killed by his father, and so when his father dies when the Fold swallows Novokribirsk, he thinks the Starless Saint has saved him. Later in KoS/RoW he's turned into this fanatic who explains away all the Darkling's crimes. The other followers talk about how the Starless Saint will bring equality for all men. Then the Darkling comes back and actually thinks his followers are pathetic, which feels again like a very pointed message to his IRL stans. Which is absolutely hilarious to me. Like oh no, if he was real he would not like you and think you're pathetic ! Yeah ...but he's not. Real. Damn right he would not like the fics where Alina puts him on a leash. I'm still going to read them. What is he going to do about it, jump out of the page ? Jfjfjjdhfgfjfj

Anyway I think the intended message is "assholes will use noble political causes for their own gain and to manipulate people" and "being abused/oppressed is not an excuse to behave badly." Which. Sure. But that's kind of like...a tired take, honestly ? A big number of villains nowadays are like this ; either they've been bullied as kids, or they're part of an oppressed group, or they have "good ideals but too extreme". This is not surprising because a lot of mainstream heroic narratives present clinging to the status quo as Good and change as chaotic and dangerous. And like sure in real life people often do bad shit because they're wounded and in danger. But if you want to do a story like that, you have to do it with nuance, talk about cycles of violence, about how society creates vulnerable people to be exploited, about how privilege gives you more choices and the luxury of morals, etc. The Grishaverse does not have this level of nuance (maybe in SoC a little bit but definitely not in TGT). So it kind of comes off as "trauma makes you evil" and "egalitarianism is dangerous" and "if you're abused/oppressed you're not allowed to fight back". And ignores the fact that historically, evil generally comes from unchecked privilege.

I guess my point is that there are many things I like about LB's writing, she knows how to create these really exciting character dynamics, and the world she has created is fascinating. But these stories are not a great starting point for imparting moral lessons. And her best characters tend to be, at least in canon, the morally grey ones. I hope one day she'll be at peace with the fact that she wrote the Darkling the way she did and leave his fans alone but in the meantime I'm just not going to take this whole thing seriously I'm sorry

[fr-wiwiw]

Last!! I'm laughing ohmygod wtf is this what am doing with this long ass shit, I'm so sorry askdflakjdhfaksdf helppp 23. Describe the physical environment in which you drawing. Be as detailed as possible. Tell me what’s around you as you work. Paint me a picture. Uh.. well. It ain't pretty. Too much dark furniture from my parent's generation house interior trend back then. The table I'm placing my stuffs for workplace is not suitable for work. It's actually a 2metres long give or take table for displaying things. Around 40ish cm in width too. I make do cz we don't know where to put this long ass table if I do buy a proper table and it's expensive to buy the desk I want for me. I'm saving up for future buy tho, it would be a great investment for my work life.

The left side is mostly books about arts. There's HTTYD second movie concept artbook beneath, my bluetooth headphone that I'm hoping to upgrade one day cs it squeezes my head uncomfortably and I have small head. There's Jinyoung's Chapter 0 album there. Here's fun fact, I'm obsessed with kpop but I never buy any of their merchs. I just don't feel it's necessary. I, however, do love putting their pictures online as my phone wallpapers. You'll never see me using myself of my irl loved ones as wallpapers. Only my delusionals or animals or landscapes will stay there. Anything I found aesthetic. So Jinyoung popped my cherry on that one..... that sound's weird lol. Good on you Mr Kim Gaon you make me obsessed with you and your TDJ character. I put 2 of my hair claws there, they're able to clutch my thick and now long hair. I'm thinking of cutting my hair back to short, I like experimenting with different haircut styles but I'm saving money and miss my long hair so that's why I don't cut it now. You cannot see it clearly but there's a black smartwatch next to them, it blends well to the shadow. I have too many dark color items my GOD. I uh.. put a spoon there to take this picture, I was eating yoghurt and I brought it in with me to my room while I left my yoghurt at dinner table lmao. There's a bunch of paper beneath it, my friend literally just deliver it to me to try the feel of it. They were making some papers to draw and they want ppl who draw to test it out and give some feedbacks. The pink bottle cap is mosquito repellent lotion, there's a lot of mosquito in Indonesia, the scars on my legs can give you proof. I put my pencils and pens on the blue hand-knitted pouched given by my friend. It was supposed to be phone wallet kind, but I re-purpose it as my drawing and writing utensils. There's some sticky notes near the lamp, you can see it protrude out a bit. I have 2 t-rex figurine there. I used to have lotta dinosaurs and animal figurines. Like, a whole big bags of it. I play around with it creating scenarios and plots and what not as a kid. Idk where they all right now. Somewhere in my house hopefully just gathered in one giant plastic bag. I hope to collect or make sculptures of dino or monster figurines in the future. There's also my keys with gecko keychain, a random gift from my friend lol. There's pixar like lamp, idk why i bought black even tho I know it will attracts mosquitoes. I guess I don't want the lamp to stand out and distract my eyes. Some recycled board to pin notes and all. Then there's that Geto Suguru squish doll, acts like a stress ball. My friend gave it to me as a birthday gift when she knew I was having a hard time with my mental state and stress-management last year. I remembered tearing up when she gave me that and whispered to me why she specifically bought that. There's my screen, extended from my laptop bcs I used to have computer with CPU and all but I opt of laptop the moment my computer broke down bcs I sometimes want to draw in cafes, I didn't want to draw on sketchbook back then but now I bought another sketchbook, underneath the wooden board beneath my computer screen. If I'm sick of drawing digitally, I switch to sketch or doodle on that sketchbook. Helps me practice my hand and eye coordination too, plus it's different when you're drawing traditional and digital. I don't look at my hands when I draw digital, there's my Huion underneath the long table but again it blends with the shadow bcs it's another dark coloured item. It's just a regular tablet, no screen, so put the tablet on my lap bcs it's ideal for my arm, less pain and ache. Then my eyes look to the computer screen. While as when we draw traditionally or ontop of a screen, your hands gets in the way and the composition of your drawings will somehow be different.

Anyway, my screen is showing this exact answer I'm typing and the link to the question list on the right with discord running in the background where I usually mingle with some of my irl friends and find commissions. Hmm.. I use a white logitech keyboard, the circle shaped buttons. It was weird getting used to the size from regular keyboard but I bought this one for the size, to safe space as I don't really have much and bcs it looks cute xD I don't like using mechanical keyboard. The sound will irritate me if I'm stressed but I do like the custom keycaps people create. I just like it if I'm not distracted by the things I use daily and for my convenience. I'm already distracted enough, too much, by my own thoughts so to me it's not ideal having more distractions.

Here's the extension of my work space. There's my laptop, behind it there's electric plugs where I plug my laptop, phone charge, lamp, computer screen, my playstation 4 on the very corner of my desk beneath the white cloth over there- again, blending into the shadows. Such a depressing work space god I want to have white, brown and green vibe going on in my room but eh.. we make do with what we have for now xD. Underneath the table, the important things I will mention will be speaker, connected to my computer screen for me to play my PS4. There's another speaker, bluetooth, uhh.. covered by my yellow chair where I frequently use it when I turn on my laptop. Listening to music, watching movies, YT videos, play Monster Hunter Worlds, or when I stream movies for my friends. There's 2 black bags that AGAIN blends into the shadow bcs of the colors (cries) where I use it to keep books or things that I don't use frequent but I know I will need at random times. 1 bag is a laptop bag that comes when I purchase my laptop, I use it if I work from cafe with my laptop. I have Koya (BT21 character, Namjoon's) keychain doll I got from my friend in Japan. Remember when I told you I don't buy my idols merchs? Yeah, my friends gift them to me instead lol. Either rip offs or real ones. They're such a blessing in my life. Also, you can see the stacks of books and dusting items on the wall. That's the family items they keep and almost never use. I really want to throw them all out but I can't right now cs most of them needs thorough check from my family before I can say, OFF INTO THE TRASH! I don't really like keeping things I never used, I just throw it away. Might seem cold to some people, especially if you keep some memories related to it. I just don't want to be suffocated with unused things. I'd rather put new and useful things there. One exception for the books even tho I don't read it anymore. They're about animals, insects, whales, dinosaurs, plants, trees, just encyclopedia things.. It's knowledge :/ but I'm a clown bcs I don't open that book anymore lmao. Guess I like to collect certain books \o/ hihi Last thing is the pillow I use to sleep, I use it too for my back support cs I be feeling old in my 28 y.o body for all the sitting down and shrimp posture when I draw. WHEW here we are at the final words. Thankyou so so much for asking this! Didn't think it will take me more than 2 hours typing this but I love it when ppl ask things they're curious about me or wanting to get to know me. I'm so gonna ask you too, but lemme read and choose my questions I want to know about you most. Bless you darling <3

hiii, do you want to do an artist's version of this fun writer's asks game? i'm so curious about what you think of 5, 10, 12, 15, 19, 23

hi there! thanks for this fun game! lemme copy the question to change some of the words and answer them right away xD I will put aside my experience as writer and reader too bcs this is artist version so the answers will be strictly from my experience as an illustrator!

5. Do you have any drawing/painting superstitions? What are they and why are they 100% true? Oh gosh, good question- I'm guessing this is some kind like ritual or routine I do before I start scribbling in my sketchbook or digital canvas. I think I kinda do and don't. Since this new year, I started to intentionally journal my thoughts out when I woke up. This is recommended from the book that's called The Artist's Way, some kind like spiritual guide for artists. I've only read up until the page where the author said to take your inner child out to date- creative dates. Anyway, basically the journaling I do religiously now has to be 3 pages and pour any thoughts that came onto my mind. Taking out trash from our mind daily instead letting it piling for months waiting to be taken out. I only do 2.5, my right arm and shoulder always aching since few years ago. But so far, it does helps me a bit with my overthinking and be discipline about my healthy habits. I'm not the best at discipline so I'm proud I'm able to keep this going for almost 3 months now. The other thing, which I'm not sure is something superstitions, is to look up drawings by other artists or watch movies, see fanarts, read fanfics, or just be in my mind, to get inspired and start drawing. I'm mostly brain rot driven or if I'm seeing something very often, I will draw it. I'm trying not to count on my brain rot energy too often bcs I want to be able to draw with and without the brain rot. It's still fluctuates but I'm better than I was years ago. I'm happy with the progress! I will continue on next answer post, Idk why Tumblr is not working for me today :( so this will be 6 answer post, I'm so sorry

[ladlii]

meeeeen

if i say that i dont know what my problem is with serious relationships i’d be fucking lying. The problem is all the  men that i know are shit. that is just the plain truth. they’re just so lazy, all they do is talk and they have everything handed to them (honestly maybe that’s the reason they act the way they do). they treated women badly, expects them to respect them out of being their husbands or something?? they’re just so.... delusional. Men think they’re all that without realizing that the people around them are walking on eggshells, trying not to break their fragile ego out of pity. isn’t that a shame!

and please pardon me, but i just hate it when they act like they sacrifice a thumb or something when they do something minuscule for their girl like “i finished the food you made for me even though it’s too salty.” i mean?? shut up??? she had to put up with your man-sling-bag and weird social media activity, does she ever mentioned it???? she cOOKED you the meal and didn’t even mention it for gOD’s sake! can’t you just say “thank you for the wonderful meal, you’re very thoughtful” and slip the too salty part later when it’s more appropriate?? i am shaking my head! girls!!! do not take this kind of shit okay??? don’t date lazy guys too.

i’ve had long conversations with one of my best friends trying to just justify why all men that we know are like this. we made these categories:

humble (not arrogant, appreciative, kind all those stuff)

not a cheater

not lazy

smart (booksmart or  streetsmart or even just sensible doesnt matter)

we spent a good hour trying to fit a man -- any man we knew irl  at the time to fit those categories. no one. we could not think of anyone!

i’m just so fucking tired of not seeing what i want to see in men. i really want to believe that they’re  actually good, since i’m straight and have no other options but to be with a man someday. I truly feel like a repressed romantic and that’s pissing me off!

[chickenfetus]

ALL MY EGG (and for the four names: jae, killer kang, minhyuk (whichever one), and santa

deadass i did the 100 questions ask meme for this ask and almost posted it rip

🐰 what is one secret that you’ve never told anyone?

theres literally nothing i dont even know what to say ???? 

💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be?

not 2 be delusional but i would give up my world to hug changkyun

🐹 what are some of your favourite Pokémon and why?

glaceon is UP THERE idk why honestly but the sinnoh games were my first and i just??? i was really into ice and snow and shit u know so glaceon... thakn u

another pkmn ill always have is lucario ????? its just so cool?????

🌠 if you were in charge of the world, what would the world look like?

hopefully forgiveness and like???? acknowledging mistakes and learning from those u know jst positive stuff and like?? water. god i love water

👀 what was the most recent vivid dream that you had?

hm okay i think this one was from last night or the night b4??? and like???? idk???? i dont even know how 2 start tbh?

so im like hanging over at this two kid’s im a kid 2 i think place and idk we just talk and shit??? idk whomst the boys were tho

and then we get to a scene where its like??? at a train station???? and i go to the washroom to shit or smth idk thankfully i didnt shit myself irl

then i have to get onto the train which isnt even a train its like a carousel with seats??? and its like on a train track boys this is 2 much and i forgot to get ready my train card thing so the guy (who i was p sure was evil) waited for me to remove it so i got onto the transportation device lmao

and then once im seated i remember i forgot my jacket so i make like hand movements 2 the creep and hes runnig 2 me with my jakcet but the ride’s way too fast so i yell and say ill come back for it even tho im p sure i wasnt going 2

after that i wke up wild

☀️ what do you like the most about your best friend?

i dont have a best friend and all of my friends have their own unique qualities if i went into a rant abt them rn this will b so long

😘 talk about your crush or partner

[minhyuk voice] theres none

💁 if someone was rude to you, would you be rude back?

ya bc im petty but it really depends on the person

🌟 what do you like about yourself? (must choose at least 3 things!)

my personality (the good parts)

my values

my taste in friends (my Big Friends are either geminis or scorpios good)

🐾 what are you scared of most? how will you overcome it?

the dark and bitch isnt gonna turn off her night light any time soon

🎁 what never fails to make you happy?

seeing my favourite happy, listening to the music i like 

💙 what annoys you about some people?

i jjust went into a full out rant abt this on the other reply so ill be quiet now

😤 do you get angry easily?

yeahhhhh 

🐇 what do you always daydream about?

my faves tbh

🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change?

bad people , gone.

everybody only sends love and happy things on anon

i just want everyone 2 b nice & friendly wars of any sort dont exist and no one wants anybody dead

🍓 send me 4 names: kiss, befriend, kill or marry?

if u sent jae’s name earlier id have trouble so im glad

kiss: tihis is so fucking embarrassing wtf minhyku (mx) but only on the cheek basically everywhere except the lips or anyplace weird

befriend: brian :-0

kill: jae goodbye loser

marry: sanha we can yell every time we gotta turn the lights off

✈️ what is your dream city and why?

tokyo bc its NICE

☕️ talk about your ideal day

cant read

🌸 are you an introvert, ambivert or extrovert?

i suddenly thought of the word ambivore which made me think of the word vore i wanna delete im a both? mayb idk

💧 when was the last time you cried?

nov 3 bc my heart hurts whenever i see ppl being a bad friend

🎵 name 5 songs you love at the moment

oh worm

all alone - day6

with you - astro

dramarama - mx (even though it isnt out yet lmao)

run - bts (the superior bts song)

hellevator - / (i was rly gonna make this mixed languages but rip)

⚡️ if you had any superpower, what would it be and why?

to fly bc im basic

💛 if you could talk to your younger self, what would you say?

dont do that

💚 who are you jealous of and why?

nobody in general????????? 

💎 which one would you rather have more of: intelligence, beauty, kindness, wealth or bravery? why?

intelligence i have 2 live somehow what if my money gets stolen

🙊 what are you ashamed of?

my humor

🌺 which languages do you know? which do you want to learn?

i (barely) know chinese despite having 2 take it all my life legends only

i know english but im bad at that 2 and its my first language once again legends only

i wanna learn japanese and korean 

🍀 if you could be any fictional character’s best friend/lover, which fictional character would you be?

the cow from voltron 

☁️ talk about your dream universe.

weve already discussed this

💜 which acts of kindness are you going to do today?

oh w-0rm ok so im a regular anon on this persons blog and i wanted to send an ask but never got arnd doing it so im gonna send her one. soon/

🐬 if you could transform into any animal/magical creature, what would you be and why?

let me live my life as a furry and cat

🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike

are u ready 4 me to b the meanest person yet bc i sure am lets fucking go

so theres this girl. and i know her (unfortunately) and ive known her since like 4 years ago and back then she was already pretty shit tbh

she cried bc she had to sit in between the “weird” and “dirty” girls in our class and she headass cried in front of them and everyone just bc she didnt like the arrangement?? shes called the “dirty” girl disgusting before and has made fun of her in front of everybody its just bad :-/

now. fast forward 3 years and in addition to still being disrespectful and rude, she now vocalizes her weird fantasies for her “oppas”??? some examples: 

“when i go watch __ perform im gonna climb onto stage and then my mother and my future husband will fight for me” and she calls those kpop idols weird shit and basically sexualizes them/???? she says the weirdest fucking shit on her ig story and tags them??????? 

another thing. she went to korea nd took a picture of a complete stranger and posted it on her public ig and called him her “oppa” and said that they had a “fun day together” despite the guy not knowing her at all???? she posted the pic of him??? i still dont get it tbh 

she wasnt even being ironic at all??? she calls herself & classmates “autistic” whenever she/others do smth dumb or mess up and its just sososososo fucking wrong

being one of the people to see how shes basically grown from bad to worse is something i dont fucking enjoy and i jsut want to leave my class already lmao 

ok but there are times where i do appreciate her because sometimes the class will be rly quiet and the teacher is basically talking 2 themselves but she’ll always respond w/o fail so thats great but its only bc she talks so damn much 

i just got a flashback to when she “jokingly” said she wanted to be a trainee for the rest of her life how do i just. god

😣 talk about some things that have been making you depressed/angry/anxious lately

we’ve once again already discussed this

🍪 what did you want to be as a kid, and what do you want to be now?

i wanted to be various things honestly?? ranging from an astronaut to a vet to an editor to an animator to other stuff i get influenced pretty easily so if i watch smth and i think its cool ill want 2 be that i guess?? ive been trying 2 get rid of that habit so now i have no clue what i wanna be

🍰 what are some of your favourite sugary foods?

sweets and chocolate cake

🍑 what are you obsessed with?

drinking water and staying hydrated

making my friends laugh is great 2

💘 what happens to you when you’re stressed?

acne LMAO 

😪 what are you sick of?

the usual

🙀 are you an adrenaline seeker?

i love scouting on sif and bandori so yeah 

💥 what are some unpopular opinions that you have?

lets not 

☔️ would you consider yourself a good person?

to a certain extent

😊 what do you like to do as hobbies?

use my phone???? send nice anons and comment on art/fics 

🎤 what’s the last song you hummed or sang by yourself?

none

🐝 what’s your worst trait? how are you planning to improve it?

my tolerance for ppl’s shit is so low

🎨 what do you always doodle when you’re bored?

my ocs

🐻 what’s stopping you from chasing your dreams?

i dont have a dream hence myself

🌷 what’s your mbti personality and why do you think it suits you?

infpt i dont rmb shit but yeah

🐶 send me 3 fictional people and I’ll choose my favourite!

falen i dont rmb what u sent

👑 who are your favourite celebrities and why?

i dont follow any :-o zendaya has had my heart ever since shake it off tho

🐴 opinion on day6?

ur rly gonna do this 2m e?

all alone just started playng this is terrible lets get it

so day6. a band i only found out about in late june (thank u boxy) and before this i only ever listened to bts and mx bc my friends stan them so i thought i was gonna expect boys dancing, the usual. 

i clicked i smile and i lost my fucking shit as soon as i saw the instruments because prior to day6 i was a big 5sos fan so this was rly resonating to me tbh and i was just !!! so fukcng excited??? i never intended to even get into day6 honestly??? but after witnessing how good they are and watching about all of the available mvs at that point i was completely in awe so i caved a created a stan twitter for them.

now, this isnt even the most of it. after becoming a fan i realized how much more these 5 boys are. they compose (if im not wrong) and brian writes lyrics for the songs each month because of their everyday6 project and again, im wow-ed because??? the amount of dedication???? they went from releasing 2 title tracks in 2 years to releasing 12 title tracks and 12 bside tracks in a single year. they havent released the december song yet but haviing to work on 2 or more songs in 4 weeks is fucking amazing if you ask me. 

theyre really talented and theyre just so versatile (am i using that word correctly) and each month their songs sound different. this project has given them the opportunity to try new things and you can hear the steady improvement in each of their vocals (dowoonie not so much since he barely gets lines, but we all know hes working hard) and if you listen to their debut song - kongchu and compare it to the version they released along with sunrise it just???? the drumming has even changed from the original version nd its so noticeable that whenever i hear kongchu from 2015 i know its the old ver

to add to those, they do vlives every week and although those vlives are always scheduled it still makes my day seeing them and watching them do the usual. 

one thing im upset about is that how they barely promote themselves, they rarely get on variety shows (the most is individual schedules) and we, as mydays never really get to know the boys so its harder to fall for them as a whole. i dont know if its jyp or day6′s decision but if this is how they want to be known for - their music only, then so be it. we still have jae’s presence on youtube, music access and asc. thats the most we can get and it makes it difficult for us to learn about the rest but thats okay.

another thing. their concerts are something i always look forward to (even though my interest has died down a bit;) their concerts are just so fun to listen to?? there’ll always be mydays who stream the concert so everyone else can listen to them play and they sound so good live it drives me crazy. mydays are always so hyped and whenever mydays sing along it just gives me goosebumps??? bc theyre so???? good????? 

tldr; day6 deserve more, following wise and promotions wise because they work so hard and once this project ends i hope they’ll manage to rest but still remain as a presence that will be known instead of returning to jyp’s dungeon.

🍋 do you consider yourself an emotional person?

there are days where i am more emotional than usual 

📚 share 3 books that you love and your favourite quote from them.

this is tiring

😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? does it help?

i sleep and boy it really helps

😌 what thoughts keep you going when you’re sad?

rest

🌍 which country do you live in?

singapore

🐧 describe yourself in 3 words

lame funny swag

🐵 which quotes changed you?

“rocky swag” - park minhyuk, 2017

💭 do you keep a diary?

nope

💫 who inspires you?

brian kang 

👻 do you believe in ghosts and why?

yes bc i love losing sleep

🎀 what’s your fashion sense like?

terrible

🎬 what are some of your favourite films?

i watched spiderman homecoming and i have no idea why i didnt see the plot twist coming but its GOOD watch it

🍦 what is one treasured childhood memory?

theres none lads

🐼 if you could meet anyone, who would it be and why?

all my internet buddies but sometimes i dont want to bc im kinda....gross

[seowhateun]

Y'all, I just wanted to share some happy shit that happened to me

Okay, so I've never really had a crush, and the closest that has come to it is these weird pseudo crushes from when someone likes me and I kind of convince myself I like them back. But I have this one friend that the feeling never really faded like it usually did? And unlike the other two, I actually know her really well, and could picture it? But I was too scared and tried to convince myself that it was just a pseudo crush because I suspected that she liked me but I was too scared to confirm it. Plus, I don't even know if I like boys or girls.

But we've always flirted with each other, only half faking it. I could never be quite sure. She became my best friend in four months. Usually it takes 4 yearsar before I say that kind of thing.

But she was texting me about how she had a on and off crush on someone but didn't want to ruin their friendship, and I was giving her advice but being low-key jealous of the other person and mad at them for not appreciating her because she was so sure that they didn't like her back. We were in some fake argument about how I thought pistachios were scum on this earth, but she thinks they're here to save us all, when I found an opening to see for sure if she would get my hint about liking her because I suspected she liked me, but was trying to convince myself I was being delusional, but I knew I would die if I didn't at least be a little head on with it and see for sure.

She likes me!!

I like her. I'm still not totally sure about my feelings and if I am even capable of romantic love or sexuality, but I know that I do like her more than a friend should, and I would be an idiot to let her go (she's so amazing, funny, smart, beautiful, and hilarious, and intelligent, and open minded, and kind, and beautiful, and Imma keep repeating this stuff), so yeah I'm still texting her and we still haven't defined anything, but idk...

I'm hopeful.

She's asking if we can be basic and go on coffee dates... How could I possibly say no?

We're both giddy idiots and I really hope neith of my 2 irl friends who follow me see this, because I don't know what this means, but all we keep doing is saying how amazing it is. Did I mention how amazing she is? And after dropping the hint, she was just saying it was so amazing, and I was just like "what... what?"

[niphalim]

Last personal post until further notice, just to explain slightly why I'm going fucking ghost:

I'm like actually under the most stress ive been in ages and I'm trying to like.......not do my usual thing where I isolate super hard........ But I also Need to like not overdo shit and I need to focus on certain things .....so I dont really have...... A lot of time to interact with people???? And tbh I'm not pleasant to be around right now! I'm so stressed that even neutral sentences come out in a kind of aggressive tone even more often than usual and I'm like. Not as able to repress my autism stuff. And I'm very low on my filter of just admitting to my "delusional" stuff, some of which is. Turned out real. But some of which is like. Unverifiable Personal Gnosis shit, yknow? And sounds weird as fuck...... I'm like not suicidal but I'm worried abt like, my health.... I am very manic-depressive mood swinging right now and so stressed its hard to eat and do life stuff. I've had a few near-misses and a few legit psychotic episodes. I cant talk to certain IRL people because I DONT want to get 5150ed again. Also I have had some really ominous things said to me by some people that make me very concerned for my safety..... And I hate accepting help from people but I'm like. Literally can't survive without at least a little help right now and that just VEXES me .......... Like I'm so stressed that I'm starting to have physical ailments that I havent in a while.. (hives, nausea, joint strain from tense muscles) .

Among this, I'm concerned that people involved w my IRL stressors may have gotten access to some of my online IDs, and so thats why I won't be posting more personal updates for a minute, until I can............actually re-do all that stuff....