#i have had so many medical appointments this summer

[starsandtulips]

just had the beautiful idea of the stellaron hunters having a “family” dinner together and i’m screaming into the sky thinking about itAAAHGGHHHHHH im 🤲 requesting a drabble or 🤲 or h🤲headcanons or ANYTHING 🤲🤲

i am so sorry that it took me so long to get to your request, here it is!!!

[bananayuyu]

Cabin Fever [part 1]

Pairing: Yunho x f reader

Genre: fluff and smut

Word count: 9.8k

Summary: A trip to the woods with your friends is always the highlight of your year. But sometimes, your body gets in the way of you being able to enjoy anything. Thankfully someone is there to comfort you, in just the way you need.

Warnings: MDNI, smut, fingering, reader is on her period while said fingering is occurring, reader has really severe period cramps

A/n: My period this last week was the worst one I've had in a while, and I kept thinking the whole time I wished Yunho was there to comfort me. This is for my fellow chronically ill besties <3 I hope everyone is taking good care. Also I'm thinking of making a part two, if not turning this into a whole series as I have so many ideas of where to take things. Let me know your thoughts!

You can read part 2 here!

Every year you and your high school friends visited your favorite cabin in the woods. It was cozy and old and probably too small for the seven of you; it was perfect for a summer get away. Each year you all saved up, and when the weather became too hot to bear in the city, you booked a week in the forest. The natural hot spring tub out back, the easy trails on the mountain behind, and the trees that occasionally graced you with their delicious fruit, made it your favorite place. Each and every summer you anticipated it with a giddiness that nothing else could make you feel.

***

You lived with two of your friends from high school, in a small two bedroom house not far from the neighborhood you grew up in. You and Seonghwa each had a bedroom, and Yunho's bedroom was the basement. You wouldn't have thought living with two men would lead to the clean and orderly house you resided in, but thankfully Seonghwa was as much of a clean freak as you. You lived meticulously, due to having many health issues that had been with you your whole life.

It started when you were little, with allergies developing what felt like every week. You had to be careful with what you ate, what you drank, what medication you took. Then there were the fainting spells, which started in high school. Eventually it was understood that your blood pressure was to blame, and your weak heart. And then there were your periods. Always horrible, no matter what you did. You had been put on every type of hormonal birth control at one point or another, and nothing worked. Finally you decided it wasn't worth it anymore, the hoards of drugs and doctor's appointments, and you decided to live a simple life instead, to take things easy, to not ever push too hard. To stop trying to force your body to be normal. You didn't really have a choice in the matter; your body broke down whenever it needed to, and school and work and your social life had to be pushed aside. It made these yearly trips to the woods all the more exciting. Sometimes it was the only time you got to see the group together all year.

This year as you, Seonghwa and Yunho prepared for your trip you realized one achingly frustrating thing. Your period was due to arrive on the fourth day of the trip, if it came on time. You sighed heavily when you realized this, dragging yourself up to grab pads, tampons for the hot spring, your massive bottle of Tylenol and your heating pad, and placing them in your suitcase. You just hoped it wouldn't be too bad, if it did come during the trip. Sometimes they could be late or early, and you hoped that maybe this time your body could make things easy on you, and delay it just a bit.

That night you fell asleep on the couch, accidentally staying up reading too late. As the morning light broke through the blinds you stirred, eyes squinting at the brightness. You groggily made your way towards the bathroom, barely seeing where you were going. You almost ran right into Yunho as he walked down the hall towards the kitchen, and he grabbed your shoulders to prevent you from crashing into each other.

"Good morning," he said, laughing at the state of you.

"I fell asleep on the couch," you groaned.

"Yeah I know, I saw. The book was that good?" he teased. You rolled your eyes. He didn't totally understand your obsession with reading.

"So good it almost felt like I was playing a video game, or something," you teased back.

This was the nature of your relationship with him. He was one of your closest friends by far, but you two were just so different. You worked part-time as the assistant of an accountant, and in your free time read books. He was a choreographer with a crazy schedule, and loved nothing more than gaming whenever he could. He was full of energy; you were prone to exhaustion and fainting. He needed his busy schedule, his stimulating life. You could barely handle leaving the house most of the time. But regardless of these differences your friendship blossomed. With Seonghwa it was sweeter; he was the sweetest person you'd ever met. He was usually the one who took care of you when you'd had a bad allergic reaction, or helped clean up your room when you were far too exhausted to. But Yunho had been there every time you'd had a bad fainting spell, carrying you to the hospital, staying with you overnight. He was always there for you, and made you laugh when you felt like shit. He was an invaluable part of your life, even if he didn't totally understand you.

"Ari texted the group chat late last night, did you see?" he asked you. Ari was the only other girl in the friend group, and you usually shared a room with her on your trips.

"No, what did she say?"

"She's bringing San," he said.

"Ooh, we finally get to meet him for real," you reply, lifting your eyebrows in excitement at finally meeting her new boyfriend. You'd seen pictures and talked to her about him for hours, and you couldn't wait to finally meet him in person.

"And Wooyoung is gonna bring his cousins, I think?"

"Yeah he said he's bringing Yeosang and Jongho with him this year," you reply, having just heard the news the day before while packing. "There's going to be so many of us this year, I'm not sure how we'll all sleep and everything."

"We'll figure it out when we get there," Yunho says reassuringly. Then he looks at you and chuckles. You narrow your eyes, knowing he's laughing at you. "Just go look at yourself in the mirror," he says.

You playfully shove him out of the way and make your way into the bathroom, seeing your ridiculously messy hair he was laughing at. You quickly get yourself ready for the day, knowing you all have to leave soon to pick up Ari and meet up with everyone else. When you make your way to the kitchen you see that Yunho has made you a cup of chamomile, your favorite tea. As you sip it you taste the honey he added and smile, smile at the way he seemed to read your mind. You were craving chamomile with honey today.

Seonghwa exits his room looking extremely put together in a black turtle neck and fitted black pants, his suitcase fully packed and his hair perfectly coiffed. You look down at your tank top and comfy jean shorts, and back up to him.

"You always make me look so underdressed," you say with a small pout.

"Well, you're so beautiful so you don't even have to try," he says, pulling you into a hug. A crazy thing for him to say to you, given that he's literally employed as a model. And quite successfully, at that. "Some of us have things to compensate for, clearly." He spins around, showing you his outfit and laughing at himself.

"It looks so good, but you are going to burn up in the car, Hwa," you reply.

"I'll be fine, I'll be fine," he laughs.

"He's got someone to impress, y/n, remember," Yunho interjects, handing Seonghwa the cup of coffee he made for him. Hongjoong is who he means. You giggle of the memory of them hooking up at the last summer trip, thinking they were being so sneaky when everyone knew exactly what was happening.

"How are you simultaneously so annoying and so nice," Seonghwa says to Yunho, making you all laugh.

"That's the perfect description of him," you say, shooting Yunho a smirk.

"How dare you both," Yunho replies as he makes his way down to the basement to grab his bag. He also stops by your room and grabs your suitcase, taking both down to the car and placing them in the trunk. You and Seonghwa follow after him, your tea in one hand and book in the other. You couldn't wait for a little time spent reading in the cabin.

"It's so funny how he always carries my stuff for me, like I'm some weak little thing," you say to Seonghwa.

"Well you kind of are, honey," Seonghwa says, looking at you softly. Your health issues had been flaring up again recently, and it broke his heart to see his close friend suffering so much.

"I know. It's annoying," you reply, looking away from him as you exit your house. "I just hope nothing happens while we're on the trip."

"We'll all take care of you if anything does," he says, wrapping his arm around your shoulder to comfort you.

"Thank you," you reply as you climbed into the back seat. You make eye contact with Yunho through the rear view mirror, his look attentive and curious.

"Ready?" he asks you, and you nod, holding his gaze. Since living with him, and really even since high school, he had driven you basically everywhere. You couldn't help but love it.

***

After meeting up with everyone at Ari's apartment you split into your two cars. You, Yunho, Seonghwa, Ari and her boyfriend San would be in Yunho's car. And Wooyoung, Hongjoong, Mingi, Yeosang and Jongho would be in Wooyoung's. You weren't sure how having ten people in the cabin would go, but you decided not to worry. This time of year was not for dread or anxiety; it was for joy and laughter.

After spending time on the drive talking to Ari and San, you realized he was just as handsome and kind as she told you. You squeezed her arm in excitement, elated that your friend had such a wonderful new boyfriend. Yunho and Seonghwa had expressed concern when they first started dating, given that Ari's last relationship wasn't healthy. But even they seemed swayed by just a few hours with San, with his sweet smile and warm conversation. You all arrived in the highest spirits, you and Ari ditching the car to let the boys carry your things while you excitedly ran to the backyard to dip your toes in the hot spring.

"God, I'm so excited we're back," she said, grabbing your hand. "And I'm excited you're meeting San. What do you think, so far?"

"He seems wonderful. Are you happy, is he always this kind?" You look at her fondly, wanting nothing more than for her to finally experience a healthy love.

"I'm so happy dude. It's just been so smooth, so calm. It's built the way I think these things are supposed to, you know? No rushing, no fighting and making up and fighting again. None of that awful shit that I used to look for. I feel like I'm finally an adult. I guess 25 is my 18," she laughs.

"Girl I'm 25 and barely even independent from my parents. You don't need to feel bad about what's come before." You squeeze her hand, a silent message of love passing between you. "I'm so, so happy for you."

As you make your way inside Yunho calls you over to him.

"Hey, we were just discussing sleeping arrangements. We were thinking Ari and San can have the room with the actual queen bed, and the rest of us boys can sleep in the living room on the couches. There's that little bed nook in the library, would you be okay sleeping there? I know you and Ari usually shared the real bed but I figure her and San would want to sleep in the same room together," he says.

"Oh, of course. But, are all of you going to fit out here with Yeosang and Jongho along?" you ask.

"Well, I'm not sure. We'll see."

"Isn't there a pull out couch in the library?" you ask. It's no surprise you know the small room better than him.

"There is?" he asks.

"Come, let's go see." He follows you through the cabin to your favorite room, seeing the small blue couch in the corner.

"I swear this thing extends or something," you say, crouching down to try to find where to push. Eventually it gives and starts moving, surprising Yunho. When it's finally extended it takes up a lot of the room, and looks almost goofy. But it's reasonably long, definitely somewhere someone else could sleep. You look up at Yunho, assessing how tall he is and how long the bed is. "Think you could fit?" you ask.

Yunho lays himself down, his legs hanging only slightly off the end of the new bed. You go and grab a pillow from your bed nook, tucking it underneath his head.

"Well it can fit one person, for sure. I doubt any more though, unless any of the boys want to be cuddled up that close," he says.

"Seonghwa and Hongjoong?" you offer. Yunho laughs.

"You want them in here doing stuff at night right next to you?" he asks. You cringe at his suggestion.

"They wouldn't do that to me," you say, shaking you head at him.

"You never know," he says, starting to make his way out of the room. "If you really just want the room to yourself, that's okay."

"No it's totally fine. You can sleep in here, if you want to. Or Seonghwa. I'd be okay with either of you. Just let me know."

Yunho nods as you both exit, heading back to the kitchen where everyone is getting ready to make dinner. Wooyoung has nine assistants today, far more than he really needs. But it's fun, bustling around the kitchen with everyone as you prepare a big feast to celebrate the start of the vacation. Soon you see Yunho carrying your bag to the library and soon after, his own bag. And you feel something in you become warm, something low in your gut.

"What are you thinking about?" Ari asks you, seeing the distant look in your eyes.

"Huh?" you say as you turn to her, genuinely surprised.

"You looked like you were daydreaming or something."

"Oh no, just spacing out, sorry," you chuckle, not sure what had just come over you.

"Well look what I got you," she says, holding up a giant bag of your favorite cheesy crackers.

"So I guess you can read my mind or something?" you joke, grabbing the bag and her in a big hug. "Wait, wait right here. I have something for you too."

You run over to the library to grab the bracelet you made Ari last month. You still hadn't had a chance to give it to her and you couldn't wait. As you enter you see Yunho slowly unpacking his bag, setting his phone and charger on the small end table but the blue couch. You rifle through your own bag to find the small box you had packed for Ari, yourself unpacking a few things in the process. In the silence of the moment you begin to feel warm again; you look over at Yunho and soak in his messy hair, his loose clothing that makes him look so soft and comfy. You stare unabashedly, unsure of what's come over you. Usually you hate starting, hate eye contact.

"What?" is all he says, but you feel like there might be something more he wants to ask.

"So you're staying in here?"

"Yeah, Hwa wants to stay with Hongjoong out there. I figured you would rather it just be one person in here with you, more comfortable for you."

You smile and reach your arms out to him, still sat on the floor. He gives you a quizzical look, insure what your gesture means.

"Come, give me a hug," you say. "You've been so thoughtful today."

In the short moments of your hug a silence hangs around the two of you. Yunho had never been one for serious sincerity. He definitely never knew what to say when you said things like this. When he stayed with you in the hospital and you cried in his arms, thanking him endlessly for being there with you. When your allergic reactions left you weak and groggy and you wouldn't stop telling him how much you loved him, and how much you worried he'd abandon you for being so needy and sick. You said the same to Seonghwa too, but Yunho could understand that better. It made more sense to him. When you said it to him it made his brain stop in a way that he still hadn't figured out.

***

The evening was off to a perfect start. Ari loved her bracelet, the project you had been promising to make her for months now, and everyone else loved it too. Everyone showered you with compliments and showered Wooyoung with them too, after tasting the delicious meal he had whipped up. You all gathered in the living room to eat, spreading out over the large L-shaped couches and the floor. A favorite cheesy movie was watched, a bottle of wine opened. Everyone laughed and relaxed, helping to clean up in the kitchen after the movie was over. And then to the hot spring you all went, as was tradition. You always started and ended the holiday with a group soak; attendance was mandatory.

In the heat and steam of the tub everyone opened up, even the most quiet among you. There was something about the nature of the tub that made everyone vulnerable, and for you it had always been one of the best parts of these trips. Everyone was cuddled up together given the size of the tub, and the proximity seemed to fuel the spilling of secrets. This year especially, with all ten of you, everyone was shoulder to shoulder. Ari sat on San's lap to try to save on space, and as everyone began piling in you ended up squeezed between Seonghwa and Yunho. The crowdedness felt like too much for you, and before he could make an objection, you decided to sit on Yunho's lap.

"There's not enough room in here," you said quietly to him when you felt his surprise.

"Yeah I know," he replied, letting you wrap his arms around you. You sensed some tension and hesitation in him, though.

"Should I move?" you asked, turning around to face him.

"No, no, you're fine. How else will we fit everyone?" he replied.

You turned around satisfied but then caught a smile on Mingi's face, one that seemed to be in reaction to you and Yunho. You shot him a confused look and he glanced away, clearly feeling caught in his reaction. And then you turned and saw Wooyoung eyeing you, too.

"What?" you said to him, turning your head and looking at him sideways.

"Nothing, nothing." But then his characteristic smirk formed on his lips; he had lost the fight in trying to delay it. You knew exactly what this meant.

"Oh god, don't tell me you have some huge piece of gossip to share with all of us," you said, sighing. It was always Wooyoung who started out with something, anything dramatic to share. He always broke the ice, and really, you appreciated it. Even if you made fun of him for being so obsessed with gossiping.

"Well, no, not really," he replied, looking almost shy. It didn't seem very characteristic of him. He took a deep breath and swallowed, and you all held your breath as you awaited his story.

"He has a crush," Mingi broke in, clearly not wanting to wait any longer. "It's this woman who choreographed for that music video we worked on a couple of weeks ago." Mingi and Wooyoung were backup dancers, and often worked on projects together.

"It's not just a crush, we're like kind of dating now," Wooyoung added, clearly shocking Mingi with this new information.

"Are you serious?" Mingi replied, and Wooyoung nodded his head. "Guys she's gorgeous. And so intense and smart. And isn't she like 40?"

"She's 37 Mingi, god," Woo replied, giggling and looking very pleased with himself. It had been a long time since he'd even been interested in dating, and everyone in the tub was looking surprised and amused. "We actually.... we hooked up on set one day."

"Wooyoung! Bad idea!" you replied, shocked he would even share this information. But then again, you were in the hot spring tub. And plenty of wine had been consumed.

"How did you even manage that?" Mingi laughed.

"In a trailer, you know.." Wooyoung trailed off, clearly embarrassed and nervous to tell the story. But just as always it had achieved the affect it needed to, and soon everyone was spilling their secrets, updating everyone on every funny thing that had happened in the past year. You continued to sip your wine, drinking slowly given how much of a lightweight you were. You hadn't finished your first glass still, even through the movie and dinner. Yunho kept making you drink water too, nervous that you'd become dehydrated and get sick. As the night wore on you relaxed more into his lap, more into his arms. You held his hands on your lower stomach, over that place that felt so warm earlier when you looked at him. Finally, when everyone decided to call it night, he wrapped a towel around you both and led you through the dark path back to the house. In your tipsy state you kept repeating "shower, shower" so he led you there, running to grab your phone when you demanded it. As you stripped out of your swimsuit and took a look at yourself in the mirror you saw that happy girl you always saw here, surrounded by her favorite people and completely content. The shower was quick but felt delicious, and as you exited you felt blissful and relaxed. Until you realized you'd forgotten to bring a towel with you.

There were only two bathrooms in the cabin, one connected to the actual master bedroom with the actual queen bed, and one for everyone else to share. You couldn't walk through the house naked and dripping with so many people here, especially Wooyoung's cousins who you didn't know well. Thankfully your phone was still there on the counter where Yunho had left it, so you called him.

"Can you bring me a towel?" you asked when he answered. And then quickly, "and some clothes too, please."

"Anything else, your highness?" Yunho teased you.

"Shut up, I'm cold," you whined.

"What clothes do you want?" he asked.

"Just, those black shorts and one of my t-shirts, I don't care which. Just something comfy for sleeping in."

"No underwear?" he asked.

"Yes no underwear, I'm about to go to bed. I usually sleep naked but I have to wear clothes when we're here." You swore his breath hitched a bit.

"Be there in a moment," he replied before ending the call. In a moment he was there, knocking the door. You opened it slowly, and saw him holding his arm out to you while dramatically facing his head the other way.

"You don't have to be so damn weird, I know you've seen plenty of naked humans in your life," you said, laughing at him.

"You make me sound like a slut," he replied.

"Maybe you are, how am I to know."

"I can't believe you of all people are calling me a slut."

"What the hell does that mean?" you ask, eyes wide.

"I know those little romance books you read are full of smut," he challenges you.

"I'm literally reading a book about history right now, thank you very much," you respond.

"Yeah the history of changing attitudes about sex. Even your non-fiction reads are horny."

You stand still for a moment, mouth agape. You didn't realize Yunho payed that much attention to the books you were reading. To know what he just said about your current book, he would have had to at least read the synopsis on the inside cover, if not a bit of the introductory chapter. You feel a little weird that he'd sneakily been perusing your book when you hadn't been looking, probably this morning while you were asleep on the couch, you guessed. But something about it felt really nice too. Like he cared to know you, cared to know about the things you liked. Even if they were so different from what he usually was into.

"Are you two good?" Seonghwa asked as he meandered down the hall, hearing the slight intensity in your tone during your conversation with Yunho. At the sound of his voice you both snapped out of it, and at seeing you naked he turned around with a quick, 'oh, sorry,' before heading back to the living room.

You dried off and dressed quickly, realizing you spent several moments naked in front of Yunho while you argued. It wasn't really an argument, more a discussion maybe? Or a confession? He admitted to knowing what kind of books you liked to read, and you hadn't denied it. None of it had to mean anything, you implored yourself. As you had said, he'd seen plenty of other people naked before. Well, at least several. It's just the trip, the glass of wine consuming your brain and making you fuzzy. But it felt like things had shifted that day.

***

As you and Yunho settled into bed you began chatting, and before you knew it, it was the early hours of the morning, the time you rarely stayed up to, the time when the world felt like a completely different place to you.

"I've missed you," you said, sighing into the comfort of the blankets and pillows beneath you.

"Me too," Yunho replied, quickly. Like the response was almost involuntary. You opened your eyes to look at him, as his words weren't what you were expecting.

"I'm sorry I've been so busy. I miss hanging out with you, just the two of us," he continued. "You're one of my favorite people on planet earth, you know that right?" It was completely out of character for him. Like the years of sincerity he'd kept inside had been begging to be let free and he finally obliged. You sat up and walked to the couch he laid on, mere steps from your bed. You leaned down next to him and hugged him, too tired to give a verbal response. You sighed and nuzzled your face into his shoulder, relaxing on top of him completely.

"Are you still tipsy?" he asked.

"No, why?" you asked. You were too tired to move your head.

"You're only this touchy when you're drunk usually."

"I don't really ever get drunk though."

"I know, I mean, this is how you used to get when you would get drunk. Like in high school, when we'd drink."

"Oh. Sorry?" you asked. You didn't really understand why he was telling you this.

"No, I like it. I was just, trying to joke around," he sighed. "Wasn't the right moment probably. Wasn't funny."

You fell into a silence again, briefly.

"So it's fine, right? I can hug you?" you asked.

"Yes, of course." To prove his point he wrapped his arms around you more tightly, one hand coming to rest on the back of your neck. "You seem happy right now, today."

"I am, these trips always make me happy," you reply.

"Your happiness means a lot to me." He seemed almost nervous to say it, like he had to work himself up to it.

"Why are you being so sappy today?" you laugh, nuzzling farther into him. He glanced at the clock on the wall, looking for an excuse.

"It's 2am, I don't know."

"Shit, it's that late? I should really get some sleep." You knew the plan for tomorrow was hiking up to the water fall, and though the hike was neither long nor strenuous, you still wanted to be well rested. "Goodnight," you said as you dragged yourself up, planting a quick peck on his cheek before crawling into your bed. Sleep enveloped you quickly, given the relaxing nature of the day and the late hour. Yunho turned himself over, trying to get comfortable on the small pull out couch. You didn't see the bright pink of his cheeks, or the rapid rise and fall of his chest. You had no idea you had any affect on him. A life of sickness had left you mostly uninterested in pursuing romantic affections, and you'd truly never dreamed of a long term romantic partnership with anyone. Yunho knew this, well. But he couldn't stop his feelings, no matter how hard he tried to.

***

In the morning you were woken by a bright, hot stream of sun that shined through the window, that late morning sunshine that is surprisingly warm on clear-skied days like today. With a groan you cracked open your eyes to see that Yunho had already awoken and left, the room silent. Your head felt groggy and your stomach ached a bit, and you instantly scolded yourself for drinking your first night and staying up so late. Sure, it had been fun in the moment, but you couldn't afford to make yourself feel poorly on such a special trip. You hoisted yourself up, taking a swig from your nearly empty water bottle that Yunho must have put on the side of your bed. You certainly didn't remember putting it there.

When you finally pushed yourself up to stand you felt something wet on your bed. You turned around expecting to find some spilt water, but were instead greeted with a disappointing and frustrating sight. A small streak of blood ran across the beautiful, light blue sheets. As you felt around your shorts you found a spot there too, wet and cold against your fingers. You let out a frustrated sigh, running yourself to the bathroom with a new change of underwear and shorts and a pad in hand. You desperately rinsed your shorts in the sink, your mind beginning to spin and spin. What were you going to do about the bedsheets?

As you came back into your small room you didn't notice Yunho, your focus entirely on where you could hang your shorts to dry. When he spoke you jumped back in complete shock, nearly falling over.

"You okay?" he asked, lurching forward to try to prevent you from falling. You thankfully caught yourself in time, but then your eyes wandered to your bed and you knew he'd seen.

"I don't know what I'm gonna fucking do," you started, tears forming your eyes from the embarrassment. It wasn't getting your period that made you feel so weird, it was the fact that you'd stained the nice bedsheets at the nice cabin you and your friends were renting, and it was only the second day.

"Well, what do you need? I'm sure we can get that stain out of the sheets," Yunho offered, hoping it would make you feel better.

"We? They have my blood on them," you responding, trembling. Why were you so worked up, what the hell had gotten into you? Your own anxiety at the situation shocked you and Yunho both.

"It's just blood, y/n. And it's like barely anything." Yunho grabbed your upper arms to steady you, worried your trembling would land you in a heap on the floor. And then suddenly, a horrible cramp stabbed its way through your abdomen. You immediately groaned and grabbed your side, leaning against one of the bookshelves to support yourself.

"Fuck, I need my Tylenol," you breathed out, trying to calm yourself. It felt like your entire body was collapsing on you in an instant. And your period had only just started early this morning, maybe only a few hours ago from the looks of it.

Yunho grabbed two Tylenol and and opened your water bottle, offering you both one after the other. He had seen Seonghwa do this many times and he hoped he was doing it right. You quickly swallowed the pills and took a deep breath, worried you wouldn't be able to join everyone for the hike that day. A tear slipped down your cheek and you quickly wiped it away, wanting to push down your feelings of discomfort.

"I just need to wait until this kicks in and I'll be okay," you said, hoping it sounded convincing. Hoping it was true.

"Let me clean your sheet, then," Yunho said, leading you down to lay on the pull out couch.

"Do you even know how to clean out blood?" you asked, shoving your face into his pillow. It smelled so good and suddenly you felt warm again, this time through your whole body.

"I was gonna ask Ari about it," he said. "If it's okay for me to tell her."

"Ask Hwa for help too, he knows," you replied. With a sigh you wrapped yourself tightly in his blanket, hiding your face. Everything that had happened this morning was so frustrating, and you couldn't stop feeling angry at your body for always ruining your plans.

Remarkably, twenty minutes later you did feel a lot better. No more severe jabs of pain had come, and once you got some food in you and washed your face, you felt ready for the day. Everyone packed their bathing suits for the falls and put on their good shoes for hiking, and with snacks and waters in hand you made your way up to the edge of the forest to find the start of the trail.

You walked arm in arm with Ari, picking flowers off the side of the path to put in each other's hair. The blossoms in this area were beautiful during this time of year, and the trees made the trail quiet and calm and cool. When you ran out of space in Ari's hair you started putting the flowers in Seonghwa and Hongjoong's too, the only other two who walked the trail as slowly as you and Ari did. Even with the slow pace you began to feel queasy about half way up, and when you sat down, unable to take it anymore, Seonghwa called out to Yunho. He came and crouched down in front of you, telling you to climb onto his back, and carried you the rest of the way, the gentle breeze blowing his hair into your face and tickling your nose. It was a bit longer now than it had been in a while, looking almost like a shaggy mullet. As it brushed across your face you realized you thought it looked really good on him, how it complimented his long neck and round cheeks. You shook your head trying to stir yourself out of your daydream. You had always recognized he was attractive, but you didn't like him like that, never had. Why did you care how well his hairstyle complimented his face?

At the falls you sat on a long log at the edge of the small lake, not feeling up to swimming and playing with everyone else. Seonghwa could sense it easily, and after Yunho asked for his help that morning cleaning your sheets he knew why. He sat with you, not bothering to put on his suit either. He had wanted to talk to you anyway, wanted to spend a moment alone. These trips were always fun but it was hard to get one on one time with anyone.

"You okay?" he asked as you watched the others playing in the water, Yunho and Mingi wrestling each other for an inflatable ball. It seemed like they were all playing some sort of water polo from the looks of things.

"Yeah, yeah. Just my period. How are you?" you asked turning to him, seeing the conflict behind his eyes.

"I'm... I'm fucking spiraling, girl." He shook his head and dropped it onto your shoulder, letting out a massive sigh.

"Why, cause of that guy?" you asked, looking in the direction of Hongjoong. Seonghwa just nodded. In the brilliance of the mid day sun Hongjoong looked like he was shining, his tattoos standing out starkly against his pale skin. The ball was in his hand and San lunged for him, and he threw it up just in time as they crashed into each other, a laughing mess. As the two came up for air San was repeatedly apologizing, the both of them being yelled at by the other players to get back in the game. After some more moments of play Hongjoong grabbed onto a rock on the side of the small lake underneath the waterfall, pulling himself up to grab a bottle of water a few feet away. As he pulled himself up you saw the ripple of his chest and abdomen.

"Damn, he's like really ripped," you said, smiling down at Seonghwa.

"Don't say shit like that to me," he groaned into your shoulder. "You're just making this worse."

"What's wrong? Why are you spiraling?" you asked him.

"Dude, I like him a lot. Like a lot a lot." Seonghwa's hand came up to his face, a small whimper escaping his lips. You knew he was on the verge of crying.

"Come here," you said, turning towards him to give him a proper hug. "Everything's gonna be okay."

"Not if he doesn't like me back," Seonghwa replied.

"He obviously likes you back, what do you mean?"

"I'm just, I just- I don't know what's going to happen. When we all go back to the city. When we're here we're all over each other but then real life comes and I barely see him. I thought I was over it. But clearly not." Soft tears fall from his eyes, down his cheeks and onto the dirt of the forest floor.

"Oh, honey. I'm so sorry," you replied, rubbing your hand up and down his back to comfort him. "You've got to talk to him about it."

"I know, I know, I just." He sighed. "I know I need to, and it's gonna be awkward as hell but I just need to."

"You can do it, I know you can," you said, squeezing him tightly. "Crushes are the fucking worst aren't they."

Seonghwa laughed as you separated, wiping the final tears from his cheeks and sighing more freely. He knew you'd always be there for him, no matter what happened. You didn't need to say it now. And you'd already discussed how it might be awkward for the group if they dated and then broke up. Last year, after your last cabin trip, it was discussed. Even with Yunho. You all agreed that Hwa should do what he wanted, and not worry about everyone else in the group. You were all adults now, and he didn't need to torture himself just to save everyone else's feelings. But it seemed he had tortured himself this last year, anyway. You had thought he maybe was over Hongjoong, that it was just a little fling at the cabin that year. But now you saw that wasn't true.

***

Back at the cabin Wooyoung made another delicious meal, and everyone gathered around the table in the living room for some charades. You took more Tylenol with dinner, your cramps having returned in full force once you made it back to your home base. All through dinner and games you tried to put on a smile, tried to get distracted in the fun. But it wasn't working. As soon as you finished your food you excused yourself, cleaned your dishes and then made your way to your room. You changed your pad for what felt like the fourth time that hour, then plugged your heating pad into the wall as you readied your bed. It was maybe only seven or eight in the evening, but you couldn't take it any longer. And your trusty Tylenol didn't seem to be working well tonight.

After some time resting in bed you heard the door open. Turning your head you saw Yunho walking in with a steaming cup of tea, gingerly handing it over to you to grab.

"How are you feeling?" he asked. The gentle light from the lamp in the corner made his eyes look soft and shiny. He looked down at you with concern, his eyes locked on yours.

"I'm okay," you managed, trying hard not to wince obviously at the pain that had just seared through you.

"I thought, some tea might help. I don't know," he said, his cheeks and ears going every so slightly crimson.

"It does, it's very soothing. Thank you, Yuyu," you said, his favorite nickname rolling off your tongue. Another streak of pain runs through you and you can't stop your face from scrunching up in pain, making Yunho's heart sink.

"What can we do, what makes it better?" he asked.

"There's not much, really, other than what I've done. I took my Tylenol, I've been drinking water, my heating pad, this tea..." You trailed off, smiling for a second at the only other method you know to help alleviate the cramps a bit.

"What, is there something else?" Yunho asked.

"No, well, not really. Basically, at home sometimes if my cramps are really bad it actually helps to like, you know, masturbate. Like it doesn't even necessarily feel super sexual, it just seems to help the muscles down there like relax, when they're all tight and like spasming and stuff." You quickly took a sip of your tea, suddenly noticing your heart rate had sky rocketed. "Obviously I can't do that here, so like it's not an option right now but, yeah, that just, uh, came to my mind."

"You can do that here, if it would help," Yunho replied, fascinated by your rambling. You really didn't get that way often, and he thought it was funny that this was the topic that made you this way.

"No, stop. Plus, I don't even have my tools or anything," you blurted out, suddenly wishing you hadn't.

"Tools?" he asked.

"You know, like, vibrator, dildo, et cetera," you replied, looking at him mildly mortified.

"Ah, I see," he replied with a simple nod of his head. "You don't have to be so nervous talking to me about this. I literally saw you naked last night. Plus, I swear I've heard you and Hwa talking about this kind of stuff a lot?"

Your body fluttered at his admission that he looked at your naked body, and suddenly you felt flushed and flustered. "It's different with him," you said, not meaning to sound so pissed.

"Why, cause he likes guys like you, and I don't?" Yunho asked. He really was genuinely curious.

"Yeah, I guess, I don't know. Yunho, I can't do this right now. I feel like shit." Tears welled in your eyes at all of the conflicting feelings you were having, and you just wanted everything to stop.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you," he replied, his tone softer. He came over to stroke his hand through your hair, hoping it would distract you from your pain. "I just want to make you feel better."

"There's not really much to do, I just have to bear it. First day is always the worst. Go, have fun with everyone. I don't want this to ruin your evening along with mine."

With a final stroke of your hair Yunho stood, and repeating your action from the night before, leaned down and planted a kiss on your cheek.

"Feel better," he said. This time he saw the color come to your cheeks, and your shy smile as your turned your head away from him.

***

When he reentered your room it was dark, only the light from the moon illuminating the floor. Your heating pad was on the floor, and as he walked towards you it looked like you were asleep; your eyes were closed, breaths were steady and you were curled up on your side with your blanket tucked high into your neck.

He settled down himself, trying his best to be silent. The pull out couch wasn't the most comfortable place to sleep, if he was honest. But he really liked sleeping with you in here, and he was thankful you had let him. He had wanted to ask you straight away, when you showed him the pull out couch. But he treaded lightly, not wanting to push anything.

After a few moments spent responding to texts he finally settled into bed, curling up himself. He heard you shifting around slightly but figured you were just dreaming. Same with the changes in breath he swore he heard. He pleaded with himself to stop worrying and just let you be. But then, he heard a sniffle. Then another. And finally a small whimper, unmistakeable.

"Y/n, you're awake aren't you?" he asked, his voice low. All you could do was let out a groan in response. On instinct Yunho's body shot up, and within a second he was at the side of your bed peering down at you. "Hey, look at me."

You turned over slowly, the pain of your abdomen making it hard for you to move. You looked up at him and he caught a glimpse of your tear stained cheek, your blood shoot eyes and your puffy face. You had been crying, silently, for a while.

"Why did you turn off your heating pad?" he asked you.

"I need to sleep," you squeaked out, sniffling.

"But you're in pain," he said, resting his hand on your cheek. "Can I turn it back on for you?" You nod your head, feeling exasperated and desperate for relief.

"Are you sure there's nothing else that would help? What if I rubbed your back?" Yunho asked, as desperate for your pain to end as you were.

"That might help," you manage, closing your eyes and trying to take in the relief of your heating pad being back on.

Yunho crawls behind you on the bed, and slowly starts massaging you back, focusing his movements on your low back and side that you always seemed to grab onto. His hands feel searingly hot on your body, even with your thin shirt in between, and you begin to tremble uncontrollably.

"Sorry, I'm so cold," you tell him. "And I didn't bring anything warm to wear cause I'm stupid and assumed it would be hot out here."

"Hey, hey, stop that. You are not stupid," he replies. You feel him pull away for a second. "Here, sit up," he says as he reaches his arms out to help you. Before you know it you're being enveloped in the feeling of his hoodie that he just took off; it's warm and smells sweet. He settles back behind you, hands under the hoodie but still over your shirt as he continues to massage you gently. He can feel how tight the muscles in your back and side are, and he can't imagine how awful everything feels inside.

With his hoodie on and his hands on your back you feel like you're surrounded by him, and you aren't ready for the way it makes you feel. You're still groggy but you feel more grounded, and your body feels tingly and alive. It makes the pain almost more present, but it also makes everything else so clear, like the way his strong hands move along your side and the way the hoodie smells better than anything. Your body aches, even your legs, but it's your throbbing pussy that catches you off guard, the way his smell makes you want to open up and be taken.

All at once you realize the dilemma you are in. Being horny on your period wasn't exactly out of the ordinary, but now you were in a bed, horny on your period with a beautiful man, one who clearly loves you and wants nothing more than to make you feel better. You sigh, putting a hand on his to stop his movements, and you roll over to face him. His perfect face is inches from yours and you can't bear it, instead moving yourself down to bury your face in his chest. Your legs intertwine as you grab onto him, the two of you cuddling closer than you have in a very long time. He reaches his arm around you to keep rubbing your back, nuzzling his face into your hair. He's never told you, but he loves the smell of your hair so much. You use an unscented shampoo, due to your sensitivities. So he knows it's just your smell. And fuck it makes him feel creepy, but he's thankful every time you hug him and he gets a moment to take in that smell. Now, as always, he's fighting with himself to not get hard.

Your sighs become deeper as he continues to rub, and he reaches his hand under your shirt, testing the waters. You sigh blissfully at the skin to skin contact, his hand making your skin feel alive. As he keeps rubbing your head falls back, your body going nearly slack at how good it feels. You don't even realize for a moment but you've started moving your hips, rubbing yourself up and down his thigh that sits in between your legs. Your breath deepens and Yunho can't believe what he's seeing, his head swimming with desire as he watches your face, hears your soft sounds. A surge of pride washes through him at seeing how good you are feeling. "Baby," the word slips out of his mouth and you open your eyes, met with his large pupils and full pink lips.

"Kiss me," you whisper, opening your lips to let him in. He doesn't hesitate a moment, and suddenly your met with plush softness and his warm tongue as it brushes ever so slightly across yours. The feeling is intoxicating, igniting something in you that you hadn't felt in a long time. Your buck your hips against his leg harder, almost painfully, but it feels necessary. Your pussy is throbbing harder now, harder than you thought was really possible for you. You deepen the kiss, opening your mouth wider and sliding your tongue over his, moaning at the way it makes your clit feel. You need more, need something inside you soothing the aching muscles of your cunt, but you don't want to break the perfection of the kiss. You break away for a second, whimpering and throwing your head back in pained bliss. When your lips make contact again your hands are under his shirt and grabbing onto him, desperation dictating your every move.

"Please, can I touch you? Can I make you feel better?" he's asking, and his voice feels so good in your ear it's almost like you're on another planet.

"I'm bloody," you cry softly, the reality of the situation still not entirely escaping you.

"You really think I care about that?" he asks you, his hand coming up to brush along your cheek. You look at him with pleading eyes, wanting nothing more than to let him take care of you. Another wave of pain strikes through you and you whimper, grabbing your side again. Yunho brushes over it, kissing you gently on the cheek. More tears form in your eyes, the pain not subsiding this time. You begin to cry, your body shaking as you do. You don't know what else to do.

"Please help me," you plead out, still shaking.

"Where do you want me to touch you?" he asks, moving his hand down, now rubbing over your hip and upper thigh. The closer his hand gets to your core the more needy you feel, and you whine and buck your hips into him instead of responding.

"Baby please use your words, I don't want to hurt you," Yunho begs you, placing a gentle kiss on your lips.

"Inside, please. But be gentle, the muscles are so tight," you say with a pout, making Yunho's head spin.

"Wait a sec," he says, moving off your bed to grab a towel from his bag. He places it down next to you and then begins removing your shorts and panties, one at a time. He's slow and steady in his movements, which makes it feel all the more intimate. Once they are off he gently moves you onto the towel and then slowly spreads your legs, massaging your thighs as the muscles there are tight as well. Your short frame dwarfed in his hoodie is maybe the cutest thing he's ever seen, and the look of desperation on your face is maybe the hottest.

"Are you ready?" he asks, his voice low and his hands oh so close to where you need them. You nod, spreading your legs even more in an invitation. Slowly he makes his way up, gently brushing his hand over your exposed lips, hoping not to shock you with the contact. Once you've settled into his touch he finally starts circling your entrance, making you mewl in anticipation. He sinks one finger in and immediately you groan in relief, already feeling so full. He can't believe how tight you are, can't believe that only one finger can fit. He begins moving slowly, as gently as he can, stroking up and down and finding that spongy spot that makes your eyes roll back. Your body immediately starts feeling better, the muscles in your core finally having something to squeeze onto. Your pussy feels warm and perfect and he desperately wants to see you come undone, on his fingers, on his cock. As you relax into his touch he feels your walls finally open up a bit, and slowly he pulls back, this time pushing two fingers in.

The wave of pleasure is instant, filling your low belly with sparkly warmth. You begin to rock yourself onto his fingers too, desperate for a bit more. He starts moving with a bit more force, still holding back and scared to hurt you. It's just the right amount of speed and pressure and you find your mind drifting, everything around you feeling warm and tingly and soft. You don't pay attention to your sounds; you don't care. Finally after your terrible day of pain he's taking care of you, and you just relax and let your body take control. Your high is building, oh so slowly. You can feel it in your legs all the way to your toes, the sparklers dancing down your body. Yunho's own breathing deepens as you start to moan, his body reacting to your sounds of pleasure. He needs desperately to make you come, to make you feel good. But he can feel your body resisting, ever so slightly.

"Baby, relax, relax if you can," he coos down at you, stroking his free hand over your thigh muscles that still feel tight. "Just focus on what feels good."

Your mind goes to his long fingers, to how deep they are inside you, how perfect they feel. The pressure in the perfect spots, making your entire body loose and happy. Suddenly he moves his free hand up, his thumb stroking gently over your clit. You moan loudly, all of your muscles finally releasing, and suddenly the feeling builds out of nowhere, from your fingertips and your toes and the top of your head, surging towards your center. You come, gently at first and then harder as Yunho continued to stroke you, intense pleasure rolling over you. It takes a long time for you to fully ride it out, your whole body processing what just happened. Finally your head feels clear and settled, your body no longer achey.

In the moonlight Yunho cleans you up, kissing you and whispering, 'I'll be right back.' After cleaning his hand and helping you back into your panties and shorts, he wraps himself around you, kissing your cheek and your exposed neck and relishing the relaxed state of your body. You are out before you know it, his warmth sedating.

***

A light storm rolled over the mountain in the night, covering the sky in gentle clouds. Without the brightness of the sun to wake you, you and Yunho both slept in, your bodies wanting nothing other than rest and each other's company. In the later hours of the morning Seonghwa became concerned, worried that you weren't doing well. When you left dinner early the night before he worried too, but when Yunho checked on you and returned assuring him that you were fine, he had let it go. He never wanted you to feel bothered, like he was keeping too close of an eye on you. You were your own person and capable of asking for what you needed. He knew that.

But when the time reached 11am he couldn't stop himself. It was just weird, given how early you had gone to bed, and the fact that you were normally an early riser. Gently he opened the door to the library, feeling mildly awkward. He wasn't sure what he would be greeted with, thought he did have a few ideas. He shook his head trying to brush his suspicions away. He knew if they were really true, you both would have told him.

"Y/n," he called from the open door, not seeing Yunho on the couch. Your body was hidden by the nook in the wall you slept in, forcing him to walk more into the room. You groaned at the sound, coming up from such a deep state of sleep. You didn't realize where you were, didn't realize Yunho was still cuddling you. As you went to stretch you accidentally hit him, waking him up with a jolt.

"Fuck, sorry," you said in a groggy voice, laughing. He instantly wrapped around you tightly, his mind not totally awake. As he squeezed you tight you let out a squeak, not expecting it. Neither of you realized Seonghwa was right there.

"So I'm guessing you're both okay?" Seonghwa said, and your brain finally registered it. You looked up at him in shock, feeling suddenly exposed. You nodded, trying not to be awkward. What did it matter really, that Yunho was sleeping in the same bed as you?

"I'm feeling better," you replied. "Got a lot of sleep."

"Sure," Seonghwa chuckled, looking between the two of you.

"Hwa! Go away!" you retorted, playfully rolling your eyes at him. Yunho remained uncharacteristically quiet behind you, but his arms didn't leave you for a second.

"Okay I will. Just glad you're alive," he chuckled again, making his way out of the room.

You shoved your face in your pillow, pushing yourself back further into Yunho's embrace.

You definitely had some explaining to do.

[dfortrafalgar]

I'm Losing You

Having a family isn't always as easy as fairy tales make it seem.

Warnings: Read chapter 1 for warnings.

Taglist: @phsycochan | @mirillua | @augustanna | @chaixsherlock

Chapter 14

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You were visibly shaking in the passenger seat of Law’s car, his hand on your bare thigh as he drove in his attempt to stabilize you without taking his eyes off the road in front of him.  The windows were cracked open to prevent you from overheating in your anxious state, your heart hammering in excess as your palms perspired so rapidly you could feel the skin of your thighs grow damp under your hands.  The higher-than-average heat of the early summer season, however, did little to cool down your nerves.  Not even your shorts and tank top could help.

“Baby, breathe,” Law cooed, keeping his golden eyes trained on the road as he slowed to a stop at a red light.  The car traveling next to him sped through the traffic signal, making him utter a low tsk.

“I know… I know…” you heaved, taking conscious efforts to inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth.  “I’m just nervous,” you justified.

Law tossed you an understanding smile before placing his eyes back on the traffic light ahead of his car.  “I know you are, and that’s okay.  I’m nervous, too.  But I don’t want to have to carry you into the clinic because you passed out on the way.”  He punctuated his sentence with a mischievous, yet still light-hearted, pat on your thigh.  The sensation made you tense up, sputtering out a laugh.  You gripped his hand in your own, intertwining his fingers through your own and giving his calloused hand a firm squeeze that he reciprocated in kind.  The two of you resumed your drive in silence, listening to nothing but the sounds of the road around you.

You refocused your breathing techniques as the sight of your gynecologist’s clinic came into view, tucked away in the back of a sprawling medical plaza comprising many different buildings and specialties.  Law expertly backed his car into a parking spot (that show-off…) and turned off the ignition, pulling his keys out and stuffing them into the pocket of his baggy cargo shorts.  You shouldered your bag and pushed open the door, meeting your husband around the car and once again grabbing his hand.  Your eyes stayed glued to the door approaching you as if you were no longer in charge of your own muscles.  Law might as well have been walking for you.

“Hey,” a delicate whisper met your eardrums.  “I’m right here, baby.  Look at me.”

Your steps stopped short as you tossed a worried look at his face.  You were nervously biting the inside of your lower lip.

“You’re gonna be okay,” he affirmed.  “I’m right here.  You don’t have to do this alone anymore.”

“Alright…” you choked out, sucking in another breath and pulling him closer by his hand.  “Thank you.”

“Of course.”  If you weren’t mere feet away from the entrance to a public doctor’s office on a busy weekday afternoon, he would’ve pulled you into his chest to envelop you in one of his earth-shattering hugs, the embraces that made you feel so small and yet so secure, washing away all of your worries and troubles with one intimate movement.  But alas, he was never a huge fan of public affection.  Especially not when there was a potential for colleagues to see him.

Checking in for your appointment went by in a blur.  Your insurance card and identification card were handed over, your information taken, and you were instructed to have a seat in the waiting area and wait for your name to be called.  The second you took your seat on the cold, faux leather chair, your foot started bouncing uneasily.  Law couldn’t even blame you anymore.  At your last seven week ultrasound, you found out the embryo was nonviable, and now you had to do it again.

Off to your side in the corner of the room sat a young mother visibly pregnant, scrolling idly through her phone with her bag on her lap.  A toddler sat playing with a quiet toy at her feet, keeping himself company while he patiently waited for his mom.  Law was on your opposite side, so you couldn’t see the way he was also eyeing her in the same way you were.

The woman tossed a glance at you two, making you quickly avert your gazes.

Now it was Law’s turn to anxiously rub his hands against the fabric of his pants, drying off the nervous sweat that started appearing.  The sight gave you a sarcastic chuckle.

“Now you’re nervous?” you asked, leaning over the short armrest to bump his shoulder with your own.  You teasingly copied his words from earlier in the car.  “Breathe, baby.”

He stifled a quiet laugh, throwing a smirk your way.  “Guilty.”

You had lost track of time.  The young mother was called many minutes before you, bringing her son along with her, leaving you and Law alone in the waiting room to continue anticipating your name to be called.  The quiet radio playing over the loudspeakers was broadcasting generic, braindead pop music, but it was enough to fill your mind with something other than sheer anxiety.  You watched out of the corner of your eye as Law’s heel involuntarily started tapping to the beat of the music, making you smile to yourself.

“Mrs. Trafalgar?” a nurse called from an open door leading to the rest of the clinic area.  You and Law both jumped, startled out of your fleeting moment of miniscule peace, quickly standing to follow her into the long hallway that led you to the all-too-familiar ultrasound room.

The process repeated again.  Blood pressure, oxygen, heart rate, typical wellness checks, until the nurse silently jotted a few notes on her clipboard and left you to, once again, wait impatiently on the table, swinging your legs back and forth while Law sat across from you in a chair.  The ultrasound machine, sleeping and idle, was looming ominously next to your bed, igniting your nerves once more and causing your hands to tremble.

“Want me to sit next to you?” Law asked, casting you an apologetic smile.

You shook your head, giggling anxiously.  “No, that’d be too awkward.”

Law crossed one leg over the other in his chair.  “Even though I’m your darling husband?”

“That only gives you a few extra bonus points,” you uttered, a grin crawling to your lips.

Your banter was cut short with the sharp knock on the examination room’s door, the familiar face of Robin welcoming herself in with a warm smile.  She was trailed by an ultrasound technician, thankfully different than the one who performed your first exam, and a medical student, who kept her eyes lowered to the floor nervously.

“I hope you don’t mind that we have a student joining us today, she’s on her radiology rotation and we thought it would be nice for her to experience some live practice,” Robin explained as she stepped to the side to allow the technician to prepare the machine.

You tossed Law a nervous glance across the room.  He offered you a kind smile, leaving the decision entirely up to you and your own comfort.  Memories of his own medical school rotations while you were still dating flooded your mind, Law welcoming himself into your tiny single apartment after a stressful day to complain about the repulsive things he was forced to witness, all while you laughed at him and rubbed his back with a light-hearted sympathy.  This med student was in her own era of that same exact experience.

“Of course, that’s perfectly fine with me,” you agreed, nodding your head politely.  Your response made both Robin and the technician smile as they helped you to lay down on the cold exam table, following the protocol of lifting your shirt to expose your bare abdomen.

The cold, sticky feeling of the gel was a sensation you didn’t think you’d ever get used to.  It felt so foreign on your skin, like an icy zing that finally warmed with your body heat.  You were staring at the small brown speckles on the tiled ceiling, your hands over your chest holding up your shirt below your breasts as the technician worked, quietly instructing the medical student on how to operate the machine and the best etiquette to use.  Law was curiously leaning forward in his chair with his elbows on his knees, cupping his face in his hands as he watched the doctors work around you.  

He wouldn’t let anyone but you see that he was beyond excited to finally experience an ultrasound with you, regardless of the outcome.  He wanted to try his damn hardest to never miss these appointments ever again.

The whirring of the machine filled your ears and you closed your eyes as the wand was placed on your skin, gentle pressure against the soft flesh of your abdomen making you inhale a deep, nervous gulp of air.  The technician continued explaining the details that appeared on the screen to the student, but her words were nothing but monotonous nothings to your anxiety-ridden brain.  Your heartbeat was erratic with fear at what they would see, your attempts to steady your breathing feeling futile.

“This open space here is the inside of the uterus,” the technician explained, carefully moving the wand around your body.  The image was constantly warping with each small motion of the wand, mapping the insides of your being in a barely comprehensible image.  “This small blotch here is the implanted embryo, it's only about the size of a single coffee bean, but the ultrasound makes it appear much larger.  That’s how we’re able to make out small details.”

Robin kept her eyes trained on the screen.  ��Do you see that?”

Your eyes remained glued shut.

The shy voice of the student piped up.  “That flickering?”

“Yes.  That’s the baby’s heartbeat.”

Law stood from his chair so abruptly that the piece of furniture squeaked across the tiled floor and startled the technician, the wand darting across your body and making you jump yourself, your eyes flying open and your head darting to the side in the direction of the screen.  The medical student backed away to make room for Law who frantically approached your side to get a look at the ultrasound, your own eyes squinting at the screen as the technician focused the wand back onto your uterus.  She carefully held the instrument in place so Robin could get a formative glimpse at the screen, moving just enough so that Law could stand directly at your side.

“There,” your doctor stated, placing her index finger over the small blotch against the wall of your uterus.  “If you look very closely, there’s a flickering motion inside the embryo.”

You and Law both peered intensely at the screen.  Your breath hitched when your eyes finally picked up on the movement Robin was mentioning.  A very faint, barely noticeable yet rapidly moving flicker of light was present, making your fingers clench around the fabric of your shirt.  Law’s tattooed hand darted downward to grasp your bicep on the table.  He was also sweating profusely.

“Is that really…?” you couldn’t even finish your sentence, your voice flooded with disbelief as you gazed at the screen, absorbing the flickering image of the fetus in your body teeming with early life.

Law remained speechless.  He couldn’t tear his golden eyes away from the monitor, hyper fixated on the movement inside your uterus.  All medical aspects of childrearing and reproduction were beyond his realm of expertise, all the information he knew coming from his mind-numbing undergraduate classes and his personal hell of a gynecology rotation during his time in medical school.  But now, having been able to share not only this experience with you, but having seen first-hand just how strong you were to have wanted to try this again after the first failure, he felt his heart swelling with pride and adoration for you, his wife.

“Law?” you called, finally tearing your husband’s eyes away from the monitor screen.  Small, sympathetic giggles from the technician and student followed your soothing voice as you brought your husband back to reality.

“Sorry, sorry,” he meekly backed away from the monitor, releasing his death grip on your bicep and leaving red marks behind where his fingers were held against your skin.  You smiled as you watched him, his tan cheeks dusted with an embarrassed crimson blush as he eyed your face, your hands, your abdomen where the wand was pressed against your belly.

You allowed the medical student to clean you, feeling happy that you were able to share your positive experience with her and giving her a good story to tell to her friends or family (in sharp contrast to the stories you heard from your beloved then-boyfriend), and as soon as they were finished and you were sat upright, you and your husband were left in the room alone with Robin.  The black-haired woman was scribbling some notes onto a clipboard before closing her laptop and placing her board on top of the device.

“I scheduled you for another ultrasound in about 5 weeks just to make sure everything continues to develop smoothly.  Typically we wouldn’t do another ultrasound until around 18 weeks, but considering your history I want to be thorough,” she explained, holding patient eye contact with you as you nervously clutched your hands in your lap.  “If anything changes, or you start to experience worrying symptoms, call us immediately.  I’m sure you already know that, though.”  She flashed an understanding smile at you, making your own lips turn upward.

“Thank you so much, Dr. Robin,” you breathed, not even registering how long you had been holding your breath.  

Your goodbyes were exchanged, your next appointment confirmed at the front desk, and you and Law were back in the parking lot walking back to his car, and in hand.  When he approached the front of his vehicle, however, he tugged you closer to him to lead you around the back of the car and to the curb of the parking lot, seating you on the concrete concealed behind his trunk.

“Law, what are you–”  Your words were cut off as Law sat on the grassy curb beside you, pulling your face against his for a kiss that took your breath away.  This was very much not like him, maybe in his more rebellious and daring undergraduate days, but certainly not during his prolific professional life.  Not that you could complain as your arms instinctively draped across his shoulders, pulling your husband closer to you as his lips molded against yours.  The ground below your bodies was warm from the sunshine, a very small coverage of shade from nearby trees doing little to keep your skin cool amongst the sultry exchange of lips.  Law’s arms gripped your waist, almost pulling you fully into his lap as your fingers teased the thin baby hairs against the nape of his neck, making him smile into your mouth as you kissed.

You finally pulled away from him, laughing as you did so, flashing him a bright, toothy smile that reached your eyes.  “Not that I’m complaining, but what was that about?”

Law uttered an embarrassed chuckle, but his hold on your body didn’t relent.  “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself… I’m just…”

Your eyes analyzed every small movement of your husband’s face, the way his eyebrows were turned upwards in an apologetic display, the way his irises darted from side to side, too embarrassed to meet your own, the way his lips were parted and glistening from your heartstopping kiss.  You dipped your head into his neck, ignoring the way the summer heat caused sweat to stick to his skin, giving him all the time in the world to say what he wished without the pressure of your loving gaze.

His voice was a fleeting whisper.  “I’m just really, really proud of you.”

[tulip-fiction]

Fan Fiction

Content warning: mental health, hearing voices, toxic parent

Alone - Begins ≠ Youth

Takes place on the way to Haru's appointment in episode 3 (around 31 min mark)... tag me if you find a GIF of the fake crying and then when Haru drops the act!

Haru could feel his stomach twisting in on itself. He was on his way to another psychiatric appointment to check on his progress and medication dosage. He wasn’t on edge about his appointment though. He was never nervous about talking to the doctors, he’d told the lies so many times before that they come easy now. But that voice, it doesn’t lie, and the words it whispers to him scare Haru.

Everything was all falling apart again. The truth he was always running from had found that video. Hosu had seen the comments and already Hosu was pulling away. Haru had known all along that his friends weren’t really his friends. It was all a lie, like everything else. They didn’t even know him. And as soon as they learned the truth of who he was, they would run from him like everyone else had. And he’d be alone. Again.

Haru shook his head and grabbed his ears, but he couldn’t block that voice. It wouldn’t let him lie to himself. The truth was that he was already alone. He’d been alone ever since that day. But he was having so much fun pretending the lie was real, so he would keep pretending he had friends as long as it lasted.

Haru’s mom watched him in the rearview mirror. “I know you’re disappointed about not going with us to the United States. We will all do something fun together this summer when your brother comes home.”

More lies. He’d be in the hospital again over summer break. They both knew it.

The lies hadn’t stopped for 7 years. That day Haru got lost was the first time he was aware of being alone and the crushing terror of that feeling. He had wanted nothing more than to be safe in his mother’s arms. To have her squeeze him so he could feel her with him even when his eyes were closed. But that initial safety he felt when they were reunited was an illusion. He would always be alone after that day.

Haru’s mother had rushed to his side, tears of relief in her eyes. He wished he could go back to that day, when he believed her tears were proof of her love for him. When he had believed the lie. She hadn’t loved him, she loved being seen as the caring mother. She loved when everyone saw the lie and believe it to be true. So she wept and rushed him off before he could find the strength to stop his tears and tell anyone about the horrors he had seen.

Even when little Haru was home safe and dry, warm in his bed, his tears hadn’t stopped. They had slowed, falsely comforted by his mother’s presence at his side, but they continued to leak from his eyes even after they had long closed from the weight of the day.

Haru had woken with a scream the next morning. His mother appeared by his side and told him he was safe. Believing her, he told her about the monster in the arboretum and the child he had trapped.

Young Haru had been confused by her reaction. At first he thought she was scared for what had happened to him, her hand over her mouth and her eyes wide. But he reassured her that the man hadn’t hurt him, his cuts and scrapes were from falling when he ran away. But she just sat there, staring at him.

When her eyes eventually softened, and her hand placed calmly in her lap, she finally spoke. “Haru, it was only a bad dream. You are just a normal boy that got lost in the woods. You were scared. Anything else you imagined is not real.”

Young Haru had believed that lie. Or at least, he had wanted to. How could his young mind imagine that his mother would lie to him? Even now he didn’t understand the lie. He didn’t know that his mother had read about the missing boy in the paper. How the parents had been scrutinized and questioned. That she and others had judged the parents for every misstep they had ever made. But even if he didn’t understand the reason for the lies, he knew the truth now, that she had lied to protect herself and the lies would never end.

Haru had believed the lie for as long as he could, but the truth found him shortly after on the city bus. That monster in his nightmare had gotten on the bus and looked right at him. That moment, his world shattered. That was the first time he heard the voice. It had told him to run. To live. But he had frozen, too scared to even breath, and that was his first trip to the hospital.

But the lies hadn’t stopped. His mother wouldn’t let him speak the truth and Haru had been alone ever since.

“Your appointment won’t take long, it’s only a quick follow up,” Haru’s mother said. “Just tell the doctor how well you’re doing. That nothing has changed. Your memories haven’t returned. Your medication is working and you feel normal. When you’re done, I’ll drop you off at school so you can see your friends.”

Haru nodded and gave a reassuring smile. He wondered if these were the lies she believed herself. Or did she also have a voice that whispered the truth to her? She was always angry when the truth surfaced. She’d drop the act of pretending to love him and the cruel honesty would slip from her mouth. That she was exhausted by him and this life. But those moments were the only times Haru understood his mother. He knew the exhaustion well.

So many lies. Each one an impossible weight.

He had no memories. Lie.

His medication was working. Lie.

He was fine. Lie.

His family loved him. Lie.

He had friends. Lie.

He wasn’t alone. Lie.

He was living a normal life. Lie. This wasn’t living.

This wasn’t living, but it was the only life Haru had and he wanted to live so bad, so he would pretend this was living. He’d never give up, no matter how exhausted he was from running from the truth.

Haru slumped against the car window, his exhaustion in this moment felt unbearable. Haru wanted the lies to stop. He wanted to be free of the weight of them. But he would bare it because speaking the truth meant all the lies would be exposed. Everyone would know. Then they would leave, like they always did, and he’d have to face the truth that he was alone.

So instead, Haru would lie like he always did. Then he’d go back to school and be with his friends. Even if those friendships were a lie, he could pretend he wasn’t alone when he was with them, and sometimes he actually believed it. So he’d hold on to them as long as he could, even if it wouldn’t last. Even when the voice whispered the truth in his ear. Even if he would always eventually have to admit that he was alone.

[not-poignant]

15 and 27 for the soft asks! <33

15. Comfort food?

Gird thy loins it's like 4,000 things:

Sue Lewis chocolate first and foremost but I only get to have this like twice a year.

Homemade prawn cocktails (*sobs in I'm so whi-hi-hiiiite*)

Lemon and sugar crepes

Chips with chicken salt (no, not like shoestring fries, no, if you're not Australian you probably haven't encountered chicken salt, it's complicated, the Australians know)

Cadbury Black Forest chocolate (I literally ate some today, I wonder why... *stares at the US in commiseration*)

Good tiny mandarins

Good tangelos

Fresh pineapple

Actually a lot of different fruits we're gonna be here a while

Fresh apples and local honey (very pagan very yum)

Dim sum (yum cha)

A good bubble tea, especially the Okinawa that Presotea does

Whopper Junior from Hungry Jacks with heavy onion (and heavy pickle)

Ham + cheese + onion toasties

Iced Mocha

Strawberries + melted dark chocolate from San Churro's

Shio and tonkotsu ramen (and menma, lots of menma)

Those really nice korokke, the crab and cheese ones, from South Korea

That one sushi place in that one suburb that does the tuna sushi and it somehow manages to be the best thing I've ever had in my entire life

The cheesecake I had in England that one time

A good (good!) lemon meringue pie

(Remember when I said we were going to be here a while) Rice pudding

Chocolate mousse

Mum's chocolate self saucing pudding

Calippos in Summer

Pralines & Cream gelato from Gelare

...okay I gotta stop I GOTTA STOP

Mapo tofu

Bun bo hue with extra spice

OKAY I'M STOPPING

There's more though.

GOOD BREAD

HAha I promise I'm stopping

dslakfjsa

27. Do you like to garden? Have you ever grown something?

I love to garden! And I have grown many things. I am growing many things this year actually. I'm too disabled to do as much as I'd like to do. That part sucks. But because it's a passion of mine and it's so rewarding, I do prioritise it.

So my entire back garden was created from scratch, literally it was a sandpit because this house basically didn't exist until we moved into it. So xeriscaping / landscaping is something close to my heart. I typically focus on local native plants because of our fragile and specific ecosystem, for local pollinators, but as time goes by I've also fallen in love with many other plants from other climes and places too.

The front garden has more 'exotics' in it. This year, from seed, I'm growing dahlias, zinnias, Californian poppies, basil, snapdragons, poached egg plants, foxgloves, marigolds, spinach and cucumber. In the back garden in pots we also have karapincha (curry plant) given to me by my Sri Lankan sister-in-law, from her curry plant. I've kept it alive in a pot for about 15 years or so. I also grow aloe vera (more like I can't fucking kill it), citronella (begone!), lemongrass, rosemary, thyme, oregano, and sage (until it finally died this year). Also daffodils and gladiolus from bulbs.

I am super proud of my garden and its many changes. It's a good place to raise a puppy. It's a great place to watch the world go by. It was once sand, and now it's a haven of Eucalyptus trees for many different species of honeyeater and wattlebird. It makes up for the fact that I'm too disabled to go anywhere and do anything most of the time. Even if I only leave the house to do something other than a medical appointment about 4 or 5 times a year, at least the garden is there for me!

I actually post way more on my Instagram!

--

From the soft asks meme!

[tagsecretsanta]

From @the-original-sineater

From @the-original-sineater to @mariashades

A Change of Plans

There were lots of things that Scott ignored: sleep, proper food, a certain amount of selfcare. But one thing he wouldn’t ignore was his eyesight. It was too critical to a pilot to even let the slightest thing affect it. Which is why, when his right eye started to ache on a business trip to Sydney, he asked his assistant in the Sydney office, Kirra, to find an ophthalmologist and get him an appointment. One that was upgraded to an emergency appointment when a black squiggly line crawled its way across his vision. Which was how he found himself sitting in a dim room, in an uncomfortable chair, waiting for his pupils to finish dilating. Scott was very good at compartmentalizing, between his family and IR, he had to be. But at this particular moment, he wished he had someone with him. The litany of things running through his head ranged from minor: vitreous tear, all the way up to major: retinal detachment. The only sign of his agitation was him tapping out his brothers names in Morse on the arm off the chair.

Dr. Caserta had a receding hairline and an air of calm that soothed Scott. Even with the necessary annoyance of shining a very bright light into his eyes, Scott had stopped tapping out Morse.

The doctor made some various noises, then sat down on the stool next to the small workstation. “You have a vitreous tear in your right eye Mr. Tracy. Everyone gets them, you’re on the young side for one, but you did the right thing by coming in and not waiting to see if it went away. I’ve had too many people do that, not take the care they needed to and lose vision in their eye.” Scott swallowed down his relief. “Good to know. What’s the treatment?” “Rest. Reading or listening to things is preferable over watching vids or holograms, slower eye movement. Or you can watch the waves. Easy, gentle things. What’s more important is what you can’t do, at least for the next several weeks. No major changes in altitude, no air travel, nothing that could increase the pressure on the tear. The human eye is quite resilient and can repair itself very well. You just need to let it do so.”

Scott blinked at the fuzzy form. “Several weeks? I was here on business.” He couldn’t stay here for weeks!

“I’m sorry, but you’ll just have to tell your boss you have to stay here. If you engage in air travel, you could tear the retina and by the time you landed, you will have lost your vision.” The form shifted. “I’ll be glad to write whatever you need for your employer, but you need to stay in Sydney. I want you to come back in two weeks and we’ll reevaluate then.”

“What about the holiday?” There was a small pile of presents waiting for transport home back at the penthouse.

“I work the holidays Mr. Tracy. People’s vision is too important not to. An ophthalmologist working the holidays is what allowed my mother to keep her sight with a retinal detachment. I’m just paying that forward.”

That brought Scott up short. Dr. Caserta was no less dedicated to his mission than Scott and his family were. It was just on a smaller scale but just as important and impactful. “I - thank you.” “Not a problem. Now, do you want me to write something for your boss?” “No, thank you. He’s pretty understanding about medical stuff.” Scott kept the grin on the inside. “That's good, you’re lucky. Now did you drive here?” “No, I took a cab.” “Excellent. Give the address of where you are staying to Cathy and she’ll call you a taxi. We’ll also give you one of the really ugly eye covers to protect your eyes from the sun on your way back.”

Scott had to chuckle at that. Dr. Caserta had just the right amount of no nonsense, leavened with humor, to take the edge off things.

Actually, Scott was glad of the ‘really ugly eye cover’. The summer sun was annoyingly bright most of the time. But with dilated eyes, it was the second circle of Hell. He was also glad of the private elevator that whisked him to the penthouse. He kept the cover on while he pulled all the drapes and set the lights to as low as possible. Once the penthouse had had a VI to help run it, but that had been before EOS and The Shower Incident, which had led to the AI being banned from all the penthouses. He also got a cold washcloth to lay over his eyes as he stretched out on the couch. He needed to call the island and let them know what was going on. But right this very moment, he just wanted to be.

He managed to sleep most of the afternoon away, which let his eyes get mostly back to normal. Not that falling asleep surprised him. They all had barely a passing acquaintance with having an actual circadian rhythm.

A quick time check showed that late afternoon for him was early evening for them. Hopefully, they were all safe at home. That thought stung, he wouldn’t, couldn’t be there to help, to protect them. He shoved that away for now. Right now, he had to tell them. “Tracy Island, Alan Tracy speaking.” God, he sounded so grown up. “Hey, Sprout.” “Scott! How’s Sydney? Did you see the museum? John said you should be able to see the Aurora tonight!” Scott laughed, he couldn’t help it. “Breathe Alan. Slow down and breathe.”

There was a sharp inhale through the speaker, followed by a slow exhale. “That’s better. Sydney is Sydney, no I haven’t made it to the museum, and I’ll go out on the roof tonight to try and see it.”

“Neat! Hey, how come no image?” He should have expected that, Alan was not slow on the uptake. “That’s what I need to talk about. Where is everyone?” “John’s upstairs. Virgil’s helping Grandma clean up the kitchen. Kayo is off kayoing. And Gordon is with Brains.”

“Does Kayo know you turned her name into a verb?” “She does now.” There was a yelp as Kayo’s voice came through the speaker. “We need to work on your situational awareness more, Alan.” “Geez! Give a guy a heart attack!” Scott laughed silently at the exchange. “Hi Kayo. Could you please get everyone on the line?” “What’s wrong?” Scott rolled his eyes. “Nothing major, I promise. Just - just please get everyone on the line?” “Scott?” Alan’s voice was very small. “I’m going to be fine, Sprout. I promise. Just get everyone on the line so I only have to explain once.” Scott scrubbed at his face. ‘Way to go dumbass. Scaring your little brother. GAH.’

It took less time than Scott thought for everyone to get onto the call. Even if John made noises about not having a visual link.

“Okay, Scott, spill. Also what’s with the no video?” Trust Virgil to get right to the point. “Right, no panicking. I have a vitreous tear in my right eye. The ophthalmologist said that as long as I behaved and didn’t do the things I shouldn’t, everything would be okay.”

There was a long moment of quiet. “Right, what are the things you shouldn’t do?” Gordon asked.

“Well, no holograms or vids for one thing. Too much eye movement.” Scott took a deep breath. “I’m also grounded for at least the next two weeks for sure. It might be more, but we won’t know until after my next appointment.” “What happens if you don’t stay grounded?” Grandma’s voice was soft.

“I risk losing the vision in that eye.” Saying it didn't make it any easier. “No flying, no major changes in altitude, nothing that could put pressure on the tear and make it worse.”

“How do you fix it?” Alan asked. “Rest and not putting pressure on the eye. Dr. Caserta seemed pretty sure that it would heal on its own.” Scott could have kicked himself. He hadn’t meant to say the doctor’s name, not with John on the call. “Huh. Why did you pick that doctor?”  John, of course. “I didn’t, Kirra did.” “Well, she got you the best in the city.  Biggest complaint I can find about him is patients saying they wished they’d listened to what he said.”

Scott felt oddly pleased by that. At least they couldn’t accuse him of not taking care of himself. “You’re at the penthouse?” Kayo this time. “Where else would I be?” “Just checking. I’ll prep Shadow and be there in about a half hour.” “Kayo, you don’t need -” “Yes, Scott, I do. You just extended your stay by two weeks if not more. I need to coordinate with the security team and bring in extra people. I’ll see you in 30.”

Scott just sighed. Alan was right, Kayo was going to kayo. “Scott, two weeks from today is after the holidays,” Virgil pointed out.

“Yeah, I know.” The holiday season was usually busy for IR. They tended to have their celebrations sometime in January after the pace of rescues slowed. “I’ll send my gifts back with Kayo.” “If you think we’re going to have the holiday without you, young man, you have another think coming!”

Scott expected that. “Depending on rescues Grandma.” “Speaking of which - we have a situation.” Scott hung his head, he knew better than to say that word. “Good luck guys. I love you.” He closed the call before he could ask to listen in. That wouldn’t do his blood pressure any good. Then he sat back on the couch and worried.

***

Kayo was her normally efficient self: increasing the protection detail, setting a new rota to include Scott’s check ups with Dr. Caserta and rearrangement of the schedule that happened once word got out that Scott was stuck in Sydney. Since Scott couldn’t go to the other offices, the other offices would come to him.

She also brought clothes and even more importantly; hugs from everyone.  Additionally, she kept his mind off of the rescue he couldn’t take part of. Until John called to say that it had gone well and everyone was home, safe and sound.

She stayed the night, chivved Scott into going out to enjoy some of  Sydney’s culinary offerings and managed to take his mind off of being grounded.

After breakfast he gave her a duffle full of the gifts he’d acquired. “Scott -” “No. We don’t know when I’m going to be back.” His grin was lopsided. “With some luck, I’ll be there in person. If not, I should be able to call in. Almost as good as being there.” She snorted. “You mean safe from having to eat Grandma’s cookies.” 

“I didn’t say that!” Scott tried to look innocent. “Yeah, right.” Kayo pulled him into a tight hug. “We’re just a call away. John or I can have everyone here in One in fifteen minutes.” He hugged back just as hard. “I know.” He pulled back a little. “You and John are the only ones I trust not to crash One.” “I promise, Gordon won’t fly her.” “I’ll hold you to that.”

They parted, Scott to do battle with paperwork and executives and Kayo; to whatever it was she had planned.

***

Things progressed with Scott trying very hard not to listen to the news and daily calls from his family.

At least until Gordon showed up at the penthouse one afternoon with a grin and a loaded hand truck.

“Hey bro!”

Scott found himself enfolded into a squid hug so hard it left him gasping.

“Hey yourself.” Once Scott managed to untangle himself. “Not that I’m not glad to see you, but what are you doing here?”

Gordon pulled the hand truck into the penthouse. “John said he’d use my hide as a throw rug if I didn’t get some down time. So, I had Virg drop me off here.” He gestured to the boxes. “And I've got prezzies!”

“Wait a minute.” Scott held up a hand. “One, John wouldn’t say that, two, why do you need down time?” “Weeeel, no he didn’t say those exact words, but it was implied that if he had to come down …” Gordon shrugged. “As for why - um, I might be a bit over my hours?”

Scott gave into the facepalm. “Might? How much is might?”

“Um - twelve hours.”

Scott’s gut sank. Him being grounded had put extra stress on his family.

“Hold the guilt train! Not your fault. Wildcatter prospectors doing illegal mining in a black smoker field.  They got trapped under a fallen smoker and it took forever to get them out.”

Scott still swallowed. Deep water rescues were Gordon’s speciality, but in some ways working under the ocean was more hazardous than working in space. Not that Scott would have been of any help but - yeah, but.

Gordon slugged Scott lightly on the shoulder. “I’m fine, SmotherOne. I’m just over my hours.” He picked one of the boxes up and handed it to Scott. “Com’n! Virg’s research said slow motions were good for helping your eyes. So let’s get this set up! We need to have it conditioned before they arrive tomorrow.” “Huh? Waitaminute! Who arrives? Condition what?”

Gordon picked up a box and headed into the living room. “The fish. Watching fish is soothing, so I got you an aquarium! Which needs to have the water conditioned before they go into it. Com’n Scooter, shift those starters! We’ve got work to do!”

By the next afternoon, Scott was the proud owner of a two meter long, 100 gallon aquarium. Along with a dozen neon tetras, a small school of golden barbs, a group of dainos (which he really liked since they were fast and blue), a dozen harlequin rasboras, four cory catfish, and one brilliant blue betta. Who’d already claimed one of the little caves in the reef system that Gordon had created and was defending it against anyone that came close.

The aquarium filled a blank space that Scott had never noticed in the layout of the penthouse. You could lay on the couch and just watch the fish swim about, which was really nice. “Who’s going to feed them?” Scott shook a line of food down the length of the tank. “I already set that up with the staff. When they come in clean every day, they’ll just add feeding and checking the tank.” Gordon held up the water tester. “Someone will need to come by once a month or so to check the water and the pump. But hey! Reason to come over and take a day off.”

“Gordon…” Scott turned, a rebuke sitting on his tongue. Guileless brown eyes batted at him. “You thought I meant you, Scooter? This isn’t your private domain. Any of us can come over for a down day. It would do the Space Case a world of good to get out more than just the Island.”

“That’s a really good point.” John could use some more time away from the Island.

“Good excuse to get Alan over here too. There’s a bunch of museums and stuff he wants to see.”

“That sounds great, Gordon.” Scott looked at the fish chasing the falling food. “This was a good idea.”

“I know, it was mine.”

Well, that couldn’t be allowed to stand. “Hey, Gords?” “Ye - murhf!” The towel that Scott had used to wipe up escaped water landed on Gordon’s face. 

Scott was actually sorry to see Gordon go the next day when Thunderbird Two roared up to collect the aquanaut to help with a sinking research vessel in the Ross Sea.

***

Scott was whistling as he left the elevator. The black squiggle through his vision was fading and he was going back to Dr. Caserta in two days, the meeting with NorAustrilia had gone really well, he was looking forward to crispy duck, spicy vegetables, white rice, a bottle of Yanjing beer for dinner, and an evening with Social Distortion (he liked the oldies, deal with it). What he hadn’t been expecting was the warm glow of holograms and a head outlined against them.

“John?” The holograms blinked out and Scott’s least earthbound brother stood up. “Hi there.” Scott’s heart started to thud in triple time. John never came down without prodding. He swallowed hard. “W- what happened?” John’s eyebrows knitted together for a moment. “NO! Everyone’s fine. I promise.” He came over and took hold of Scott’s shoulders. “I promise, everyone is okay.”

Scott closed his eyes for a moment and took deep breaths. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you like that.” John said. “Gordon has been talking up the fish tank so much, I just wanted to see it in person.” Scott grabbed John’s biceps and gave a shake. “Don’t do that to me.” “I’m sorry.” “Forgiven.” Scott grinned. “I’m glad to see you in person for a change.”

John nodded. “It’s different.” He looped an arm around Scott’s shoulders and guided him to the couch and its view of the tank. “How are you feeling?”

Scott rolled his eyes. “Fine. Better than fine. I’ve actually been getting a solid eight hours a night and eating like a regular person.” John laughed as he sat down. “Good. I saw the to-go order you placed and doubled it. I haven’t had crispy duck in ages.” As thrilled as Scott was to see his space loving brother, there was a small issue that needed addressing. “What about Thunderbird Five?” he asked as he sat down. “I can do my job here nearly as well as I can here. It would be easier if EOS had access to the penthouse system -” “No, nope, nada, nien, non, nee, nej, nyeht, not happening.” Scott’s head shook on each word. “Scott, she did apologize.”

“I know how to say ‘no’ in some more languages if you need me to.”

It was John’s turn to roll his eyes. “She was just curious.” “I don’t care. We have a working relationship, beyond that, nothing. I won’t degauss her core and she doesn’t talk to me unless it’s an emergency. She tried to kill you and Alan.”

John just sighed, this was an old argument. “Fine. I can easily do my job here, I missed you, and I wanted to see the fish tank.”

That cinched it. If John thought he could do his job at the penthouse, then he could. As for missing Scott - he’d missed his space brother as well.

Dinner arrived and they spent the evening talking about everything and nothing. It was the most one on one time Scott had enjoyed with John in several years. He’d really missed John’s dry wit and impeccable timing. Scott went to bed more relaxed than he’d been in days.

He was glad for John’s presence on the trip to the ophthalmologist, even if he had to remain in the waiting room. In some ways he was more nervous than he was on the first visit. ‘Was the tear healing? Would he be able to fly again?’ Could he even go home? Those thoughts were chasing around in his brain like a mouse caught in a bucket.

He shoved those thoughts down while he waited for his eye to dilate. Fixating wouldn’t do him any good. The outcome was out of his hands and he just had to be patient.

One lifetime and a very bright light later, and the slightly out of focus form sat back. “Well, Mr. Tracy, your eye is healing nicely. The squiggle will vanish over time as your brain learns to ignore it.” “Learns to ignore it? You mean it’s permanent?”

“It’s a scar, Mr. Tracy. One inside your eye, but still a scar. Your brain will figure out that it’s not important and start to tune it out. Rather like it does with our noses.” Time for the hard question. “So what happens next?” “Well, you said you were here on business, so I suggest when you get home you find an ophthalmologist and make an appointment with them for a yearly follow up.”

“What?” The doctor laughed. “You’re pass the danger period Mr. Tracy. You can fly home. Your eyes will need checking on a yearly basis, especially since you had a tear this young. You know what the danger signs are. When they happen again, get to an ophthalmologist as quickly as you can to make sure it’s not more than just a tear. But other than that, you’re good to go.”

The sense of relief was so massive that Scott was light headed for a moment. Then his mind grabbed hold of a word. “You said ‘when’.”

“Everyone gets tears, Mr. Tracy. It’s part and parcel of being human. A good 70% of the time, they are minor like the one you have. But the other 30% is why I’m on call during weekends and holidays.”

There wasn’t a lot Scott could say to that. “Thank you for that, Dr.Caserta.” Dr. Caserta waved a hand. “Like I said, I’m just paying it forward.”

Scott understood that. “I’m in Sydney fairly often for business. So I’ll make that appointment with you.”

“That sounds good. So let me get you an ugly eye cover and you can get out of here. Do you need a ride?” “I have the one from my first visit and no, my brother flew out to be with me.”

“Good. I hope you had and have a lovely holiday, Mr. Tracy.”

Scott was nearly bouncing on the way back to the penthouse. He was still able to fly!

John was quietly pleased, but that was just John’s way.

“If I call the airport now, they can have Tracy One fueled and ready to go in about an hour. We should be home in time for dinner!” Scott said as he strode out of the elevator. “HAPPY CHRISTMAS!!”

Scott rocked to halt at the shout, then stumbled back as Alan hit him with a hug. He returned the hug automatically and looked around. The penthouse was decorated with lights and tinsel that Scott hadn’t had the heart to put up.  It was also filled with everyone. Grandma, Kayo, Virgil, Brains, Gordon and even MAX.

He grinned. “Happy Christmas!”

[tetsunabouquet]

Hello again and sorry if i ask you so much 💞😖can i request GoM + Imayoshi headcannons to how they would react to their partner with asthma having a respiratory attack on the court while practicing with the team and they would be scared not knowing that the reader suffered from asthma, I have been kicked from several teams due to this already Either because they discriminate against me or they don't see me capable and many times I hide my illness due to criticism :(

A/N: Baby, I want requests! It's okay to ask, that's why my askbox is open ;). Trust me, I get the drama. I was born with GERD, which is an chronic illness that can also cause the development of other illnesses. Thanks to it, I developped IBS (the radiology appointment I mentioned at the start of the summer was due to that) and you can also develop asthma from it. I actually did became more sensitive to things like fumes and smoking people due to it, so asthma is probably next on my comorbidity bingo card.

When I was a kid, my teachers would always treat me like I was over-exaggerating during P.E and I'll never forget the time when I was like 9, I wasn't feeling too great and a ball was thrown with extreme intensity into my chest by this upperclassmen in a game of dodgeball. Instinctively, I ran to the shower to puke it out, and my teacher's response was to get back in the game and to stop making such a fuss. So I had to, and I remember not trying to burst into tears for the rest of the game. I ended up developping a hatred for working out, and that's the reason I ended up developping a shoulder injury when I finally dared to follow my dreams and sign up for acrobatic classes. Because I exercised less then the other girls outside of our classes which was a shame as I did have talent actually. If only my teachers had taken me seriously on the moments I was too sick to exercise, I wouldn't have been skipping P.E by the time I hit my puberty.

So trust me, I get how painful this topic can be. Because basketball is a single sex sport, I'll be writing this male coded.

Akashi

-Him. Him not knowing his s/o's chronic illness? Not happening. This boy has only been pretending not to know because he's waiting for the day that you'll open up about it yourself. -When the attack happens, this boy's thinking is going at the speed of light. -He does everything according to the book, knowing how to help you. -He's a perfect gentleman throughout the event. -Your coach knows better then to reprimand you or to kick you off the team, feeling Akashi's intense aura even from that distance. -Everyone is too scared to even crack a ligh-hearted joke about it to you in the locker room, they're too scared Akashi will hire hoodlums to set their homes afire.

Midorima

-He actually also secretly knows. This boy might be dense about other people's social lives, he's not that way about his s/o. He cares so deeply about you, he wants to know everything about you. But he always plays dumb because he doesn't wants to be exposed as your secret stalker. -When the attack happens, this future doctor knows exactly what to do. -He's not simply good at knowing what to do, oh no, this is the one area where he beats Akashi. -Midorima even carries around a small pouch in his schoolbag that contains various tea blends that he read work wonderful after a respiratory attack. After you've finished up in the locker room after practise, this boy will start preparing some iced tea with the flavor you picked before you can blink. -You're not the one receiving criticism, or the butt of the joke. Midorima, and his secret nursing pouch is. -Shutoku's coach is a bit worried about you, but considering Midorima is less selfish around you, he's willing to forget this happened as he can recognize you improve the team.

Murasakibara

-This guy, and a medical emergency? Oh, it's hopeless. -First he stands around, just gawking at the scene. -Then he fumbles around, wondering what to do. Himuro is honestly the one directing his actions with instructions. -Coach Araki might be a strong willed bad-ass, but I bet she can have a motherly side to her, so she's worried but supportive of you. After this, she developped a bit of a soft spot that depending on the type of person you are might be a bit annoying, but you understand it's coming from a good place so you shrug her off with a smile.

Kise

-Similar to Murasakibara, but for a different reason. -Like, first you have a short pause where he gawks at you, and then he shoots into panic mode. Kise is trying to be supportive by hyperventilating. -The entire team has to pause the game to help you and get Kise to calm down. -Kise won't calm down until you have recovered and waved your hands in his face telling him to shut up, to which he responses with kissing you. -The coach refrains from making any criticizing comment towards you, fearing another Kise tantrum but he does make the mental notes to be more strict when he was seeing signs of an attack coming up.

Aomine

-This guy is known for not being so sensitive about these things, and thus I think he would have the worst reaction out of everyone. -For one, it needs time with this fucker to sink in that it's serious. -It takes Momoi rushing to you and checking up on you on the edge of a panic attack for Aomine to notice you. -He tries to help, but he's incredibly clumsy about it in a cute way though. -The coach lets this incident go by, I mean, this asshole just ignores Aomine and potentially Sakurai's mental health issues, so I can imagine him to just downright ignore a player's physical health issues as well.

Imayoshi

-Honestly terrified. -But he does manage to keep a cool head and not to go straight into panic zone. -Doesn't knows what the fuck to do but he's willing to learn. -He's very caring when you're trying to recover and practically never stops with petting your shoulder. -Considering he's on the same team as Aomine, the coach's reaction will still be the same. He doesn't gives a fuck about it.

[comma-souptra]

Last summer I studied abroad and shared a house with (among many people) a trans masc guy who had top surgery. I was very freshly on T and just starting to explore how much transition I really wanted to undergo while still being very scared of Change and how much of it transitioning would bring me. I felt like I had to be absolutely sure I wanted any of the elements of transition I chose to undergo because so much of my (US) medical system around trans health care does not leave room for you to be uncertain, you often have to fight desperately to be taken seriously in your transition.

I was on a walk with this guy and some friends, and we were talking about tattoos we wanted. I mentioned a sternum tattoo idea I had, and he asked me flat out “do you want top surgery?”. I said “oh my god, who knows, why would you ask me that?” in all my transgender panic and fear, and he just kind of laughed and said “I was only gonna say, they worked around my sternum tattoo when I got mine. So you should be fine if you get that one.”

I asked him “how did you know you wanted top surgery?” as we walked together. To my very deep shock, he said he wasn’t sure, he had just decided to make the necessary appointments and go. If it ever felt wrong or like he wasn’t ready, he would just stop. The obvious caveat here is that we are from two different countries with very different health care systems, but the fact that he had started this (to me) daunting process without complete assuredness and had made it out the other end happier and beautiful was mind altering to me.

Later in our trip, me offered to show me his chest and the results of his surgery. I stood in my room and he stood in the door way, back to the hall as our housemates walked by, and lifted his shirt to me, grinning. I said “you kept your nipples!” and he laughed. It was clear the rest of our house (functionally, all cisgender) were a bit confused by what was going on. I hadn’t necessarily been as vocally and openly trans as him, but it was clearly something transgender.

All this to say, I have an appointment scheduled for my top surgery consultation in November. I’ve upped my T dosage twice over the past year. I’ve been binding since I was twelve and have craved masculinization since puberty, of course I wanted top surgery! I’ve been thinking a lot this pride month about the phrase “don’t die wondering” and how hard it is to follow when you don’t see grown queer people that reflect who you could be. This guy was only four years older than me, but he was living this adult life I hoped to live and doing so in a body he created just by trying out what felt right and seeing if it stuck.

So I’m going to the top surgery consult, and I got on full dose T instead of hiding behind low dose. And I’m changing my name and figuring out what sounds right because I don’t want to die wondering! And it’s my one silly little life in this body as this person, and I’ve seen that it can be done. So thank you to my housemate, and I am very much looking forward to being even more transgender next pride month <3

[carefulfears]

As someone fascinated by David Duchovny’s movie filmography from a distance, I have to ask what it’s like for you in the trenches. What’s been your favorite and least favorite movies he’s been in? Did you watch the secret? Were there any movies you thought were bad that he was inexplicably good in? You’re gods bravest soldier.

OMG this is like my favorite question i've ever gotten, thank you so much for asking me this. i was just saying privately that i feel kinda bad coming back on tumblr rn when i've spent so so much time and energy studying duchovny's work (i could write a literal dissertation. might.) that it's really the lens i see everything through right now and all i wanna talk about lol...so y'all please feel free if there's anything you're ever curious about or want me to expand on, to ask.

i started this little project after receiving a difficult medical diagnosis, when i really needed a project in the midst of doctor appointments and painful, traumatizing life changes. i didn't tell anyone what i was going through for 4 months, so i couldn't really talk about what my days were like, and really just needed something else...i started watching californication 3 days after finding out, and just really loved it. that show means so much to me, in so many ways, and i didn't expect it to.

and it just kind of went from there, i loved seeing him work in cali. it was something so crazy and brilliant and almost electrifying to see this performer really in it, and plugged in, and interested, and invested, in a way that you can see on the x-files but not at the same consistency and intensity. everywhere that he was sometimes indifferent or bored or inexperienced as mulder, he's doubly hitting every mark as hank moody. it's more than a series-defining performance and it's just great to watch someone excel at what they do like that.

and as i kept watching his work i became really fascinated with this dynamic i was seeing where he could either be hitting it that hard, one of the best you've ever seen, transcending the material....or he could just kind of be there....and it seemed to depend on very little more than his mood. or whether he was interested. or whether he was well-cast? i ran into this phenomenon eventually where it seemed like directors/producers were casting him for the name without really utilizing or playing to his strengths, or even understanding what those were.

i have rankings of his films on my letterboxd: you can check my lists for my ultra specific ones, but this is my general ranking. my favorite is still and forever the rapture, which i wrote an essay about last summer. as far as the worst...full frontal and new years day suck ass. phantom is just boring, and odd in a dull way. you people is netflix's most unfunny and uncomfortable original. and house of d...is what it is.

i adore the secret. i've seen it 3 times and have it on DVD. i don't expect any person alive other than me to like it, but i'm just obsessed with it. i've tried to write about it so many times and never make it past the obvious discomfort, i just feel like i've lost every reader before i even say anything. but i find it to be a really interesting look into family and self and marriage and actualization and, yes, sex, and i love it.

movies that are bad but he's good in them.....probably louder than words. that movie is insufferable to watch, i'm sorry. i did write about it once for a newsletter that i never published. it's like this pseudo-hallmark feel-good philanthropic dead kid movie (based on a real dead kid and family which is why i'm sorry for trashing it) but it's so cheaply made and flat. duchovny plays the grieving dad, the character that the story revolves around, because he's the person that the family revolves around. including the three older children that his wife (played beautifully by hope davis, this movie really should be better than it is) had before they were married.

after the loss of his only biological child to a rare case of rabies, "dad" goes from strong and silent to "a zombie." and the family really struggles without both their "glue" of a baby sister, and dad.

he's great in it!! hope davis is great in it!! and it has a lot of really interesting roots about grief and blended families and fatherhood. one letterboxd review pointed out that "duchovny has always been great at playing fathers," and the movie really plays on that. it just isn't a good movie, the editing and the script aren't there.

otherwise, some of my favorite performances, in films that i love:

/ julia has two lovers

i love this movie so much but i'll keep it to the point and say that if they'd made 5, 10, or 20 movies like this- david duchovny would have been a movie star. i have this joke, that i've seen a lot of david duchovny movies and never once been like "you know who was great in that movie? david duchovny."

julia has two lovers is my "you know who was great in that movie?" movie.

he is so delicious in that film and it isn't just sexuality, it's vulnerability and gentleness and suavity.

the entire first hour, that's just the 2 characters on the phone, feels so special to me and is one of my favorite moments in film ever...but the scene that i always go back to in terms of his performance is when daphna kastner's julia has been assaulted by her fiancé and she's in the bath crying- still on the phone with duchovny's daniel. and he wants to cheer her up, and he looks like a nervous little boy trying to (as he describes) make his mother feel better. but he tells her this story from his childhood until she starts laughing and the tension breaks, and i just love this quiet hesitation in both that scene and that character. there is a vulnerability to it, with them both in various states of undress, both sharing pieces of themselves with a wrong number phone call stranger, and it plays out beautifully.

the film was sexual in a way that was extreme at the time, and very focused on women's sexuality. it was so low-budget (cost less to make than a tv commercial), and it was never released on DVD or digital. and it plays to his strengths, in a way that's rare to see in a lot of these films. i see a lot in julia has two lovers of what would go on to sky-rocket the x-files, and ground californication.

/ connie and carla

this movie is a riottttt it is literally never not fun and entertaining but there is one ultra quick and specific moment that stands out to me.

connie and carla revolves largely around a gay community in los angeles (specifically the drag community), and peripherally a performer named robert's struggles to reconnect with his brother, david duchovny's jeff, after the estrangement and homophobia in their family.

duchovny is great in this movie, it's the kind of comedic work that he excels in, and it literally has me howling every time. i have videos somewhere from the first time i watched it of me just falling apart hysterically laughing at some of his scenes.

but the emotional peak is when jeff goes to robert's apartment to tell his brother that he's sorry. that he should have stood up for him, he should have accepted him, he should have just loved him. and they discuss their parents, and the truth of what happened in their family.

there's this moment afterwards where he goes to leave and robert thinks that he's walking out, but he kind of doubles back and leans down to hug him quickly, very awkwardly.

i just loved that and i think it's dd at some of his best, this kind of uncomfortable effort.

it also always reminds me of californication's slow happy boys, the episode where hank moody's high school best friend comes to visit and he's a total fucking nightmare. there's a similar moment in the end where hank drops his friend off at the airport and hugs him clumsily while stammering "i love you. i love you."

again, connie and carla plays to his strengths!! i've written about before how duchovny is at his best playing men with good intentions. with their heart in the right place, and a lot complicating that. and i think that movie is a great wacky comedy that lends to it.

/ the tv set

this movie is like cocomelon to me i love it. and i honestly won't talk about it much because there isn't a lot to discuss, you kind of just have to see it. it's very funny, with a great cast (justine bateman!! judy greer!! two californication guest stars that i would've loved to see him work with a million times) and i always just enjoy watching it.

duchovny really grounds this movie in a way that i find to be so subtle and compelling, he carries the comedy as far as it can go but also holds 100% of the dramatic burden. everything serious or weighted in it you have to get just from watching his face and body language, and you can.

the look on his face in the last scene, with television set by joel plaskett playing over him, is exceptional!! one of those moments where i feel that he's just on the top of his game, understanding a character and what is happening to him, and following through. that final moment changes the tone of the film and it's all in the look on his face.

/ the joneses

another movie that i love that i also find to be a prime example of smart casting...i've intended for a long time to write at length about this one (and i still might) but in simple terms, the joneses wants to sell you something. the family that it's about, the joneses, want to sell you something. and it's the only film that i feel took advantage of one thing i mentioned earlier: casting for the name. while also playing to the strengths of each performer.

the joneses positions demi moore, david duchovny, amber heard, and benjamin hollingsworth as walking and talking advertisements. influencers before a truly digital age. i won't go too far into it, because there are several twists that you just have to see for yourself, but it positions itself on the premise that everyone wants what these 4 people have.

and it wants to sell you david duchovny, just as much as every movie poster does. as demi moore's character says: "when you want to, you can be quite handsome. and extremely charming."

the movie depends on that, just as much as the characters do. the movie is relying on the fact that you will go see a david duchovny picture, just as much as the characters rely on those around them buying david duchovny's life.

i think it's perfectly cast, well acted, and extremely meta in a way that's wildly culturally relevant. but it also exploits a factor that i feel had previously held him back: the idea that you will just want whatever this person has.

there is so much that could be said on this topic because i find it to be so rich, and have loved exploring it, but there's a bit of what i've learned!! thanks again for the question, love u!!

[hi-its-meg]

I invited a whole bunch of people to a night out at my favorite restaurant. I don’t socialize often so I expected maybe 3 people to say yes. Last night there was 16 of us. 15 people showed up for me and were so excited to see me and we all had a great time together. I am so loved and lately I really feel it.

I got a raise at work and I’m taking on more hours now. An extra day each week and I’m not cutting my days short this summer like I have the past 2 because it gets so crazy and hot. Last year I couldn’t mentally or physically handle that and now I’m not sweating it at all. My body can handle it because I’m finally medicated for my problems.

I’m trying so hard to get the whole driving thing down and I think my efforts are starting to pay off. I’m not panicking as much when driving, things are becoming more automatic for me, and I’m trusting my judgement more. I still have a long way to go but I’m really making an effort now. I want to succeed, I want independence. A friend of mine is moving an hour away to open their own coffee shop and I want to be able to visit them and cheer them on and that means being able to drive there.

I am completely out of credit card debt & medical debt and I should have enough time between now and my surgery to either cover it all in cash or only finance a small amount on a no interest plan. Very grateful that having a good credit score allows me to have that option.

My surgery is no longer some far off hope- it’s real and it’s happening and I have a date. Just 6 months away. I’m working through the fact that I will have a giant scar wrapping around my entire body but I trust my surgeon. I have too much loose skin on my back to get a normal tummy tuck. That appointment was so validating. It’s all skin. There’s nothing else I could do to make it better. No amount of weight loss at this point would help- I’m actually not allowed to lose any more weight between now and then because my weight can’t go under a certain amount and he wants to take as much skin as possible. Many people get a lot of liposuction when having this surgery but he says there’s literally no fat besides a tiny bit by my armpit that he will remove. I just have so much skin. It is so beyond expensive but it’s less than I expected it to be. It is going to be worth it.

This is the year of getting what I want. I’m done just waiting around feeling sorry for myself and I’m finally ready to put in the work. I’ve spent the past few years just rotting and I’m just done. I want friends who genuinely like me. I want to be independent. I want to get my shit together. I want my surgery. I want to move on with my life. And I’m going to do it.

[whentherewerebicycles]

okay. i promised myself i would do some long reflective journaling to sort through some Big Feelings and I keep kicking the can down the road because idk sometimes you don't want to sort through the Big Feelings in case you don't like what you find there. but I have a morning of uninterrupted time and I am in a good headspace and I think I will just write through some stuff under the cut.

it sure looks like i might be having a baby next summer, which means that things are moving out of the hypothetical realm and into the realm of being Very Real. so i am experiencing the expected levels of "oh shit oh shit oh shit i am about to be responsible for a living being???" that i imagine all prospective parents experience. more than that, though, i think i am having to confront the reality of single parenthood in a more emotional way than i was expecting! and this is partly because it might be about to become real for me, but also because some people i love very much who are very close to me are pregnant now too, and i am watching them live an experience of pregnancy that is very different from the one i've had thus far and much closer to the socially "normal" path. and i think that is surfacing some unexamined and semi-unexpected feelings of grief/loss for me as well as a complicated mix of horrible bridge troll jealousy feelings. i want to write through some of that so i can get a better handle on what i'm feeling instead of letting the big emotions unexpectedly avalanche over me at random times.

let me think first about my own experience of getting pregnant.

I'm glad I am pregnant and I am extra, extra grateful that things are going well thus far after experiencing a pregnancy loss this summer that kind of turned me inside out for a while. I also know that despite how excruciatingly drawn-out this process has felt, I was able to get pregnant a lot faster/easier than many people are and I don't take that for granted. but man oh man I think getting pregnant via assisted reproduction can really fuck with your head and heart in ways I wasn't anticipating when I started this process a little over a year ago. everything is so intensely medicalized. my life has just been going to appointments and getting ultrasounds and having blood drawn and giving myself hormone shots and undergoing painful medical procedures and healing from an emergency surgery and reading medical journals and swallowing pills and recording symptoms in a tracking journal. I don't feel like I've spent this year preparing for and then actively trying to conceive a child; i feel like I've spent this year receiving intensive treatment for a medical condition (not being pregnant) that requires obsessive anxious monitoring and might be rooted in some deeper flaw or failing in my body. almost no part of this experience has felt private, intimate, precious, spontaneous, joyful, sacred, sexy, or fun in any way. it's all felt mediated by doctors and by an incredibly expensive industry that jacks up the prices knowing most people going this route don't have an alternative (because they're gay or they're single or they have medical conditions that impact their ability to conceive naturally). and the ectopic pregnancy just like intensified and heightened all of that, because all of a sudden i DID have a life-threatening medical condition and all that obsessive monitoring WAS justified and my body HAD fucked up, and everyone afterwards spent a lot of time warning me i'd need to subject myself to even closer monitoring next time because i was at increased risk of it happening again.

idk man it's just been a lot!!!!!! and i think that even though early on I was like "i'm going to try to carve out some part of this experience that can be just mine, separate from the medical aspects of assisted conception," i just kind of failed at doing that. i don't think it's my "fault" or whatever, because idk, there's a lot of cultural pressure to medicalize and pathologize and turn our bodies over to doctors or whatever, and it's hard to swim against the current, especially when you are stressed and spending a lot of money and willing to do whatever an expert tells you to do if it'll get you the thing you want so badly. so i don't blame myself but i also have to acknowledge that i haven't had a very positive experience of trying to get pregnant and i think that the single precious, sacred moment of this whole entire year was when that very kind very gruff tech let me watch the heartbeat on the ultrasound right before the surgery and then went to get warm blankets from the dryer to wrap me in. and maybe also the night that my mom and i had the little burial in the woods. that was it, those were the only sacred moments, and they were moments of deep and wrenching grief, not of joy. even finding out i was pregnant again only a few months after the loss wasn't really a moment of uncomplicated joy, because i was so immediately consumed by anxiety and so instantly sucked back into the vortex of endless medical monitoring. so idk i think i have some unresolved grief around the experience of trying to conceive/early pregnancy i got compared to the one i might've hoped for.

when i found out my SIL was pregnant, in the immediate aftermath of my own loss and on the same timeline i would've been on, i just spent a long time feeling like the most horrible bridge troll version of myself i could possibly imagine. i was just eaten up inside with jealousy and it wasn't just that she was having a joyful, healthy, uncomplicated experience of pregnancy while i was healing from a very raw and painful loss. it was also this feeling that like, she was supposed to be pregnant, she was expected to be pregnant, and the whole world was smiling joyfully upon her pregnancy, and everything was unfolding smoothly for her in ways that it hadn't for me. they're young, they're married, they own a house, they have two good incomes and will easily be able to support a family, she's thin and blond and very pretty, and (while i don't know this for sure) it seemed like they got pregnant for free on almost the first attempt, on the exact schedule they'd decided they wanted to have their first baby. and idk just watching my parents excitedly prepare for their first grandkid and make all these plans for how they'd be involved and coming out to tour fancy daycares with them just sucked! you can be so happy and excited for someone you love and also you can feel like the bitterest, ugliest, most horrid little bridge troll inside. i just felt like, i'm going it alone, i'm older and i have fertility issues that might make it impossible for me to do this, i make less money, i'll never own a house, i don't have a partner, blah blah blah, and even though most of those things are choices i've made about the type of life i want to live, it just felt like... idk. i was just eaten up inside by jealousy!!!! like i know nothing about their experience of trying to conceive or what her experience of pregnancy has been like so far, but my ugly inner troll voice was like, why was it so easy for them and hard for me, why did i have to pour $15,000+ into this process, why did they get to have fun joyful let's-create-a-future-together sex while i had to go to a doctor every other week to get stuck with needles and prodded with ultrasound wands and have an insanely painful cramp-inducing dye injected into my fallopian tubes, and why, WHY did our babies conceived at almost exactly the same time have such different fates.

i mean the answer is just like, this is the world we live in! this is the reality of being a queer person and an unpartnered person who wants a family! these are the life choices we make! this is the randomness of conception outcomes and a healthy dose of plain bad luck! but it was hard (and is hard) to not internalize the differences as like, something is Wrong With Me and something is Right With Them. and i think on the most basic level i was just jealous of their shared joy, and was feeling the ache of, i'm in this by myself, i have to weather this loss by myself, i am the only person who cares about this as deeply as i do. and of course that wasn't wholly true, of course i had my mom and my sister and my closest friends who grieved with me and took such good care of me, but idk. i think it stirred up some feelings about being unpartnered for me that i hadn't really examined all that closely before.

and i think... like... i think that is probably the other big piece that i am going to have to spend time grappling with, maybe for a long time, maybe for the rest of my life! with my students, we often talk about the idea of animating questions, like the big preoccupations you find yourself wrestling with again and again, these questions that won't ever be resolved because they don't have a simple or straightforward answer. they are questions you don't ever answer once and for all, but wrestling with them over the years is what gives shape and meaning to your life as a person on a quest for purpose, for clarity, for deeper understanding. i am carving out a life path for myself that looks different from most of the people around me and i think that sometimes i really really wrestle with the question of, like, does this path represent a failure or a choice? and if i have chosen this path have i made that choice out of cowardice or from a place of strength?

i still have to untangle what i mean here or what i feel around this, but i think like... i don't know... i don't really crave partnership, i don't feel its absence in my adult life, i have cared deeply about past romantic partners as people but i have always felt immensely relieved when relationships end because i get my own space & life back, and i feel like almost all of my human emotional needs for connection are met through my friendships and my work. i like sex and i like the idea of a live-in best friend but i also feel pretty sure that modern dating on the apps is not the avenue through which i would find that person and i don't really know of other ways to go about building relationships like that at this stage in my life. but idk man the cultural PRESSURE you feel to do the expected life path thing is immense!!!! and i think that while most of the time i'm able to set that pressure aside and just live my life, the decision to have a child on my own suddenly reignites all of those uncertainties and some of that shame around like, why isn't this a thing i want, does it mean i am emotionally stunted in some way, will it impact my ability to parent well, blah blah blah.

i suspect i will spend a LOT of time in this next chapter of my life trying to untangle those feelings, so i am not going to put too much pressure on it now!! i just want to begin naming them so they aren't just like, swirling around in the back of my mind seeping into everything. i think what i can say definitively right now is this:

i have never felt a strong impulse towards or yearning for romantic partnership, and thinking about dating mostly just makes me feel tired and like i would be doing it for other people, not for myself. if i really think about it, i can imagine myself in a shared partnership with someone who shares my interests and values and sense of humor, but i truly can't imagine getting there through hinge or bumble or whatever. maybe that is where the sense of tiredness comes from when i think about dating, lol.

that said... i HAVE, for a very long time, felt a very strong impulse towards becoming a parent. i feel nervous about this (money! time! blowing up your life! being responsible for a small person!) but i feel no ambivalence towards it, you know? i want to be a parent and i think i'll be good at being a parent (i mean i am sure i will also feel like i am a Very Bad Parent for much of the time as that seems to be a feature of parenting, but on the whole i feel confident in my ability to provide the love and stability and structure necessary to raise a reasonably happy, well-adjusted kid). i have never been able to imagine a life where i do not become a parent by some route and i feel a deep, wrenching sadness when i imagine a life where i don't raise a family.

i think the sense of total clarity and joy i feel around the choice to parent vs. the profound ambivalence i feel around the idea of dating signals something important! but it is just challenging, you know, to carve out a life for yourself that goes a little or a lot against the grain of what other people's lives look like and what people think would make you happy. i know i am very VERY lucky that over the past five-ish years my parents have gone from being extremely skeptical or worried about my life path to 10000000% supportive and on board and ready to help me make it work. but i also just think i gotta wrestle with the cultural demons in my own head/heart you know!! i am going to have to work hard to get to the point where i feel really secure in my choices!! i know that the horrid bridge troll feelings about other people conceiving easily in the context of happy marriages are normal and okay to feel - it's just human to wish that your own journey was easier, simpler, cheaper, less painful. but i also think that, as liz says all the time, security (in yourself and in your choices) is a gift you give to yourself and everyone around you. i might not be there yet, but i want to work hard to get to a point where i am so secure in the choices i have made that i can experience other people's experiences and choices as simply theirs, not as a reflection or a shaming judgment on mine. i want to be able to say, i am so happy for you, and i am also so happy for me, because we have both worked hard to create the lives we needed and wanted for ourselves, and now we get to live in them. I want to know with total certainty that I, not other people, get to decide what my life means.

but also.... i want to think of this journey not just in terms of Struggling to Make Peace With My Choices but also in terms of like... sometimes taking a different path can produce unexpected joys that people on the regular path won't get to experience. for instance, i can already tell that my mom and my sister are going to be incredibly involved in raising my kid, and that my parents are going to feel an extra sense of responsibility to provide my child with a life that is incredibly rich and full of love. so i am going to have a life that is rich in family relationships, maybe richer than it would've been if i was part of a traditional nuclear family unit. i am going to have to learn to depend on and lean on other people in wholly new ways, which will challenge me (a person who tends towards insularity and independence) to really stretch and grow. i am also going to get to have a different experience of parenting in the home! i am going to have to learn to work things out with my kid without another adult there to help mediate conflicts. we are going to have to figure out how to be a good, functioning team because we are going to have to share responsibility differently than in a two-parent household. and i hope that through this experience i also get to meet and talk with other single parents (something tumblr has already allowed me to start doing!), and i get to develop a deeper, richer understanding of alternative family structures and life paths that don't look like other people's.

i want to be honest: there is some real grief there! i have chosen a life that is different than the one i hazily imagined for myself as a younger person... and already that has meant that i've had a very different experience of trying to conceive/being pregnant than the people closest to me, which has sometimes felt very painful and lonely. and i imagine that as i navigate parenting i will have to keep grappling with the grief of like, living in a culture where it's not "normal" to parent alone, where other people will judge the choices i make, and where i will be missing out on some of the joys of shared childraising i see other people around me experiencing. but i don't know i guess i just have faith in my ability to make meaning out of my life, and i think that the grief will be counterbalanced by joys i'm not able to anticipate from this vantage point because i haven't lived them yet.

and also if i stop for a second and think: would i rather not go down this path at all? the answer comes back to me so clearly and so immediately. of course not. i want you so badly, little seahorse. i'm so ready for you to come into my life. i'm ready to shed my old self, my old life, and become somebody wholly new, in a wholly new relationship with a wholly new human being. hey! i love you! come here and be my baby!

[okayyeros]

Okok unrelated to Hellenism or anything bc I’ve been at home for the summer n mental health+physical health has been BEATING MY ASS

BUT!!! I’m finally making progress on things! Last September I got some referrals for my various physical health issues and I’m finally making appointments :,) I don’t want to get too hopeful but for the first time in a really long time it feels like things are actually getting worked out.

Due to past medical trauma (my medical history is so silly and fun) I’ve had a pretty firm boundary of not getting mental health stuff figured out until after physical health things. There have been too many instances of doctors refusing to listen to me due to my weight and I can’t risk anything else contributing to their disbelief (even though that’s insanely fucked up). But Ive found a therapist n hopefully I can start up in late September :,))

It’s so scary but it feels almost relieving to know I’m finally getting the help I’ve needed both physically and mentally that I’ve been needing for so long. Esp in this past year 😭😭

[kandyshoppe]

Hey, uh, I have an Oc that is a vet (surgeon more specifically) but I don’t really know about how they should act about it or the experiences so, do you have any advice on that front?

Like, I just take more example from doctors, my mother and brother are and they are both very, uh, (￣︿￣) about it.

Like they tell stories and experiences constantly when we are eating, like how my mother saved a kid that got shot point blank in the head (kids are very resilient like holy fuck), my brother is studying still but he already has a few experiences and such. So I take more note that those in medicine are just very not overreactive to emergency situations.

But that is just human vets, which humans can be very crazy but it’s very different from animals.

So I would like to know if vets are also like that? Just “Emergency? Okay let’s start” and have many things under control.

Also what are your crazy vet student experiences?

Also your job is very cool.

Alright! So! First! I mainly did paperwork while interning. I only went with boss a few times as an extra set of hands for graphing, and I am not interning anymore because of summer vacation (I only actually interned last semester to be honest, cause I needed to focus on class work this last semester)

Never take a vet to polite dinner, we WILL just start talking about the grossest things while casually eating. Being in the medical field, you need a strong stomach, so sometimes we forget not everyone wants to hear about us looking through poop to find worms or giving a cow an enema. We’re DISGUSTING. We regularly deal with being covered in fluids all day cause we don’t have time for a shower! Got another appointment in ten minutes!

Vets also have STRONG opinions on different animals, though they don’t all match up. I would rather shoot myself in the leg than deal with another racehorse again, but my boss adores horses! That being said, dogs tend to fall in similar categories on breeds, every husky I’ve ever met has ripped their catheter out, and every pug has been a screaming diva.

Some of the shared opinions are cats have the best names, bird owners are their own breed, no dog owner truly knows how much of a devil their dog is, cows are inherently stupid, and horses would murder you for one corn chip.

Now, I am not interning right now as summer has started, and it was for a class, but vets are very busy during spring, fall, and every single full moon. Nobody knows what happens but animals get weird every full moon! Summer tends to fluctuate depending on the type of vet you are. Surgeons probably wouldn’t see as much of a increase vs farm vet (which is what I’m going for). Most surgery’s are scheduled, but there are emergency surgeries sometimes needed. Which leads to my next point.

I was never apart of any emergency situations since I’m still learning, but I have seen my boss just FULL SPRINT across the clinic, and I was told to take care of the front. (The dog was okay for anyone wondering, she had an emergency c section and all puppies were okay!) the only close to an emergency was a sudden seizure someone’s goat had, not a fainting goat, she had milk fever. That was very much « work mode » while also trying to stay compassionate to the owner and animal. I bet working in back with an emergency would be similar to how medical professionals might feel, but if the owner is there you have to make sure to put up a brave front.

It’s different from being a medical doctor as owners are such a big part of the job, your bedside manner has to be amazing! I’ve wanted to strangle owners for neglect, hug them during last visits, or just stare confused at them for saying the DUMBEST things (DOGS AND CATS A CARNIVORES I SWEAR TO HIGH HEAVEN!) and find a balance between brutal honesty, and softness during rough times. If your dog will probably die, I’m gonna tell you that, but I’ll give options.

Another thing is while many animals COULD live through last injuries, such as broken jaws, rarely do owners have the time or resources to heal their pet to a point of actually living vs surviving. Is it possible? Yes. But rarely feasible. Sometimes it’s better to let your pet go, take a few days if you can to give them the best time ever, feed them chocolate before the visit, and give lots of good boy/girl kisses.

Lastly, farm vets look less at keeping animals super comfortable vs fixing the problem as fast as possible. Obviously we do avoid putting animals in pain, but sometimes you have to yank a tooth, or disinfect a wound right then and there. It’s a delicate balance of caring for the animal, and understanding that farmers need cheap but long term results for their own livelihood.

Look up vetblr here as that has a lot more, actually trained, graduated and qualified individuals than me. The biggest thing is for vets, you live and breathe animals. You aren’t paid that well, school is expensive, it is taxing on your body, and mentally and emotionally exhausting. Hell, half the vets I know will take money out of their own pockets to lower costs for surgeries needed for pets! It’s HARD, and I personally suggest looking at other animal based careers for something to fall back on. (Also, I hate petstores! May they all burn!)

[weevilsart]

MASSIVE CW: Vent, suicide mentioned, Drug and alcohol addiction, Caffiene addiction, Accidental Overdose, child abuse mentioned, mental health neglect, medical malpractice, mental hospitalization, police brutality, prison mentioned, AND THIS IS A VERY POLITICAL POST (FAR LEFTISM (I am a anarchocommunist)) PLEASE ASK ME TO ADD MORE CW IF NEEDED,

It really bothers me how I will never relate to or feel nostalgic to late 2000s to early 2010s post about elementary school.. I see picture of the inside of buses, school activities, and all of that, I can’t relate to any of it.. I didn’t go to elementary school and I only did 2 months of 7th grade and 1 week as a freshman and 1 fucking day as a sophomore, the rest of my schooling was at alternative schools that sucked and homeschooling which I can’t remember most of it cause at the time I was still actively being abused, I see my three youngest siblings and how they are still in school, how they got to learn and have friends, and I have none of that.. my two older siblings also have been to and completed high school, I have nothing.. I was too autistic and weird and mentally Ill to have done anything, I had been hospitalized twice and fucking spent my whole summer of 2018 (my last year in my home state) in a fucking residential program that said they were duel diagnosis BUT THEY ONLY FOCUSED ON THE KIDS THERE THAT HAD DRUG AND ALCHOL ADDICTIONS AND THEY COMPLETELY IGNORED MY CAFFEINE ADDICTION AND DOWNPLAYED IT SO MUCH THAT I GAVE UP ON QUITING they had FORCED me go to NA, MA, and AA meetings WHEN I DIDNT HAVE TO GO and they ignored my mental health, I LITERALLY HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING WITH SCHIZOAFFECTIVE DISORDER SINCE I WAS FUCKING 4 YEARS OLD AND IT TOOK 17 FUCKING YEARS TO GET A DIAGNOSIS CAUSE NO ONE WANTED TO DIAGNOSE A CHILD AND CAUSE OF THAT I WASNT ON ANTIPSYCHOTICS INTIL I WAS FUCKING 18!!!!! I WAS IN CONSTANT PSYCHOSIS AND I WAS PARANOID ALL THE FUCKING TIME AND I COULDNT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!! AND MY AUTISM AND ADHD WERE NEGLECTED CAUSE MY PARENT WERE TOO FOCUSED ON MY MENTAL ILLNESS AND MY TWO BROTHERS WHO WERE DIAGNOSED WITH AUTISM EARLY ON!!! I WAS DIAGNOSED AT 12 AND THEY DIDNT TELL ME INTIL I WAS 15!!!! I WAS CONSTANTLY DRINKING ENERGY DRINKS SO MANY IN A FUCKING DAY THAT I FUCKING OVERDOSED AND WAS UP FOR 3 WHOLE FUCKING DAYS AND MY MOM STILL DIDNT TAKE ME TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL AND I WAS DOING ALL THAT TO SELF MEDICATE MY ADHD AND I DIDNT GET PUT ONTO STIMULENTS INTIL I WAS 18 AND THEN MY PSYCH TOOK ME OFF CAUSE I DIDNT DO WHAT SHE TOLD ME TO AND I SPENT MONTHS TRYING TO GET A NEW PSYCHIATRIST AND WHEN I DID SHE PUT ME BACK ON THEM WITH NO STIPULATIONS CAUSE ITS FUCKED UP TO DO THAT!!!!AND I MISSED THE LAST 4 APPOINTMENTS WITH HER CAUSE THEY ARE ONLINE ONLY APPOINTMENTS AND I HAVE MEMORY FUCKNG ISSUES CAUSE OF LONG FUCKING COVID SO NOW IVE RUN OUT OF MY FUCKING RITALIN AND I HAVE TO SELF MEDICATE WITH ENERGY DRINKS TO FUNCTION PROPERLY BUT I HAVE A FUCKING HEART CONDITION AND SO NOW MY HEART RATE IS HIGHER THAN AVERAGE (USUALLY ITS 100 AND NOW ITS BEEN AROUND 150) CAUSE I DONT HAVE PROPER STIMULENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK THE MENTAL AND MEDICAL HEALTH CARE SYSTEM IN THE FUCKING UNITED STATES OF FASCISM CAUSE NOW I HAVE FUCKED UP TEETH AND CAUSE I CANT GET THEM FUCKING FIXEX CAUSD I DONT HAVE FUCKING DENTAL INSURANCE CAUSE MY STATE INSURANCE DOSENT COVER DENTAL OR OPTICAL AND GUESS WHAT? BLINDNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY AND MY VISION HAS BEEN SLOWLY DETERIORATING AND I JUST HAD TO PAY 80$ FUCKING DOLLARS TO SEE AN OPTRISTION AND I ONLY RECEIVED 628$ A MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK THE SYSTEM FUCK CAPITALISM FUCK CHRISTOFASCISM FUCK THE GOVERNMENT FUCK COPS FUCK THE PRISON INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX FUCK THE MILITARY INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX FUCK IT ALL

I AM FULL OF SO MUCH FUCKING RAGE I SWEAR I COULD TAKE ON THE WHOLE POLICE FORCE HERE BUT I KNOW I CANT AND THAT IT JUST BE POLICE ASSISTED SUICIDE!!!!!!!

[emmashouldbewriting]

Oh Charles and Camilla are also extremely excessive with their homes, and Charles the environmentalist has been commuting to London from Balmoral all summer for medical appointments, I just think Charles now has the same kind of protection Liz had, where the media refrains from pointing out stuff like that about the monarch. I guess one positive thing they have is that they take their work with them so it’s not as noticeable as with for example William and Kate when they trot up to Norfolk or down to Tresco (the house you were missing) and basically have no contact at all with their staff and therefore their work. And these are rich, privileged people so they will have many homes and places to go for their holidays, and if you support a monarchy that kind of inequality comes with the territory. I just think KP handles it so bad, especially with how they’re kind of trying to play it off like they’re just like you and me in their little cottage — do you know they have no live-in staff? They were actually lucky that Harry was still the bad child at the time so they didn’t get as much criticism as they frankly should have.

And when it comes to KP they have Charles and Diana’s former apartment (8 & 9) as the office, but then they also have Apartment 1A on the other side of the palace as their home, the apartment Margo used to live in — it all had to be renovated to make it into an office space for WK, Harry, and their staff (despite there being room at St James or BP), and 1A a live able space which was a justified renovation, but would it have been as expensive? At the moment 1A is empty except for the few times a year they stay there, while 8 & 9 maintains the office — @cambridgemadness is an expert on KP’s layout and who lives where

Okay, so Tresco is house number 5 - but technically owned by the duchy rather than them, yes? So again, that's a grey area because they don't own it, but the duchy does. And Tresco Island is leased by the Dorrien-Smiths who are the caretakers. (Do I know this because I have a whole-ass book series loosely drafted on such a concept? MAYHAPS)

I think KP has always been intended to be William's home base, hence the office work. Charles wanted to move away from Buck Palace as the monarch's official residence but was ultimately nudged into it. If given the option, Wills will opt for KP or Windsor, imo. 1A is empty because they've moved for the kids' education, but honestly, I see them returning and it being their home base if/when the kids are all boarders/uni students, whatever they choose to do.

[lindira]

I'm going through A Thing right now, and while I feel I'm mentally better off for it, my financial anxiety is through the roof right now.

My sister-in-law was my boss. It worked great for a while (over 2 years) because even though she's an incredibly difficult person and paid me less than I'm worth ($16 an hour, part time), I could work from home and determine my own schedule, which was great for someone like me, who 1) has tons of medical appointments I have to go to on a regular basis, and 2) has kids and can't rely on anyone else to pick them up from school. I could also work around school events, which was also amazing because I want to be present for the things my kids feel are important. Also, she's in California and I'm in Texas, so I didn't have to deal with her very often.

Anyway, SIL found a service where she could hire people from the Philippines for $9.50 an hour. At the same time, she took on patients from another practice that was closing, so she had 2-3 times as many appointments each day. Meaning I started working more hours. At around that time, she asked me to transition from entering her charts to taking phone calls. But it was summer break, my kids were home, and my youngest is loud and demanding. I told her I couldn't because it wouldn't be professional to have my kid yelling for me through the door while talking to her patients. Moreover, at least half of her patients are Spanish-speaking, and I haven't used Spanish at all in the 24 years since I graduated high school. Instead of finding those points reasonable, she kept badgering and badgering me, even trying to go around my "no" by having my brother (her husband) ask my mom to ask me. I still said no.

Summer was ending and she asked when I could start on phones again. I gave her a date that was a week after the kids returned to school, and she agreed. But then she said weird things like, "only work the hours you would be working on the phone" and started training one of the people she found in the Philippines in some of the tasks that I did.

Last Monday, she demanded I start on phones that Wednesday, a whole week and a half earlier than we agreed upon. It was also the last week of summer vacation and there were a ton of things I had to do for the kids. I planned on working around the events I had to attend, but I couldn't start something new and with a specific schedule. I told her I could start on Monday (today) at the earliest, but she came back saying that I should enjoy my days off for the rest of the week until I could start on phones on Monday. She accused me of making her staff and patients "suffer" with my unreasonable availability.

I was livid. She was retaliating by taking away my hours for most of the week. She sure as fuck wasn't paying me for my time off. And my husband and I had suspected that she was giving my duties to the person in the Philippines, but I realized she wanted to limit my hours too by demanding I only work during the few hours I told her I could commit to working the phones. Basically, I started working 25-30 hours a week instead of 12-15 hours, so my SIL gave my job to someone she could pay less than California's minimum wage.

After a full day of being intensely angry, I confronted her about all of it: the badgering, the disrespect of going through my mom to get to me, springing new duties on me a day and a half before she wanted me to start and well before the agreed upon date I was to start, giving away my job so she could pay someone $6.50 less an hour, limiting my hours, and most of all for hurting me and my family by taking away almost a whole week's worth of wages because I wouldn't do what she wanted. If she wanted to hire someone else and didn't want to keep me on, she should have just told me so. At least then I could make an informed decision about what to do next.

She replied by trying to excuse her behavior as just "running her business" and that I was a burden and ruining her business. She said I was costing her $6760 over the course of the year. She didn't say, but I figured out where that very precise number. It was my wages if I worked 20 hours minus the wages of the person in the Philippines if they also worked 20 hours. I wasn't costing her anything. She wanted to save herself that much money, so she sabotaged my job. She only kept me on to stroke her own damn ego and feel like she was "saving" my family from destitution.

So I quit. Who needs enemies when I have "family" whose "help" is toxic and self-serving? I did really good work for her for over 2 years, and this is how she's going to treat me? Fuck that money-hungry bitch and her cheapskate, unethical bullshit. Fuck her for trying to control me by hurting my family in retaliation. She has alienated literally every one of our extended family, and now she's moved on to immediate family. I tried to tolerate her for my brother's sake. Fuck that now. I don't want to see her ever again.

I expected this from her. I'm angry, but it doesn't hurt so bad to cut her out of my life. I feel relieved, actually. But what really hurts is that my brother must have known what was happening and he didn't fight for me. I don't expect him to choose me over his wife, but he could have told me what she was doing. He could have told her it was shitty for her to give my job away to save what is - to them - pocket change. He didn't. We were "almost twins". He credited me for raising him. But he always chooses her over everything and everyone else. I'm not sure I blame him exactly, but I might never trust him again. And I certainly won't be seeing very much of him if she'll be around.

So now I'm scrambling to find a new job. I lost some dead weight, and I'm truly better off without her in my life. But I've been dealing with this for the past week and I'm still so angry. I'm a little angry at myself too. When I took this job, I knew it probably wouldn't end well working for her because of how much of a bitch she is. But it worked for 2 and a half years. It could've worked for longer. But she didn't value me, as an employee or even as a person.

If you've reached this far, thank you for "listening" to my rant. I find writing out my anger helps as much as yelling it. I'm hopeful that I'll find a new job soon, but if you spot a decent remote office work job an over-educated struggling writer could do, please keep me in mind.