#hyyh jimin

[jimzittos]

‎ ‎ ‎ rᥙᥒ or 𝗁͟𝗂͟𝖽͟𝖾 ﹐ 𝒂ᥴᥴᥱ⍴𝗍 𝒪r dec𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒆 . . . ꒷

[tulip-fiction]

Fan Fiction

Content warning: mental health, hearing voices, toxic parent

Alone - Begins ≠ Youth

Takes place on the way to Haru's appointment in episode 3 (around 31 min mark)... tag me if you find a GIF of the fake crying and then when Haru drops the act!

Haru could feel his stomach twisting in on itself. He was on his way to another psychiatric appointment to check on his progress and medication dosage. He wasn’t on edge about his appointment though. He was never nervous about talking to the doctors, he’d told the lies so many times before that they come easy now. But that voice, it doesn’t lie, and the words it whispers to him scare Haru.

Everything was all falling apart again. The truth he was always running from had found that video. Hosu had seen the comments and already Hosu was pulling away. Haru had known all along that his friends weren’t really his friends. It was all a lie, like everything else. They didn’t even know him. And as soon as they learned the truth of who he was, they would run from him like everyone else had. And he’d be alone. Again.

Haru shook his head and grabbed his ears, but he couldn’t block that voice. It wouldn’t let him lie to himself. The truth was that he was already alone. He’d been alone ever since that day. But he was having so much fun pretending the lie was real, so he would keep pretending he had friends as long as it lasted.

Haru’s mom watched him in the rearview mirror. “I know you’re disappointed about not going with us to the United States. We will all do something fun together this summer when your brother comes home.”

More lies. He’d be in the hospital again over summer break. They both knew it.

The lies hadn’t stopped for 7 years. That day Haru got lost was the first time he was aware of being alone and the crushing terror of that feeling. He had wanted nothing more than to be safe in his mother’s arms. To have her squeeze him so he could feel her with him even when his eyes were closed. But that initial safety he felt when they were reunited was an illusion. He would always be alone after that day.

Haru’s mother had rushed to his side, tears of relief in her eyes. He wished he could go back to that day, when he believed her tears were proof of her love for him. When he had believed the lie. She hadn’t loved him, she loved being seen as the caring mother. She loved when everyone saw the lie and believe it to be true. So she wept and rushed him off before he could find the strength to stop his tears and tell anyone about the horrors he had seen.

Even when little Haru was home safe and dry, warm in his bed, his tears hadn’t stopped. They had slowed, falsely comforted by his mother’s presence at his side, but they continued to leak from his eyes even after they had long closed from the weight of the day.

Haru had woken with a scream the next morning. His mother appeared by his side and told him he was safe. Believing her, he told her about the monster in the arboretum and the child he had trapped.

Young Haru had been confused by her reaction. At first he thought she was scared for what had happened to him, her hand over her mouth and her eyes wide. But he reassured her that the man hadn’t hurt him, his cuts and scrapes were from falling when he ran away. But she just sat there, staring at him.

When her eyes eventually softened, and her hand placed calmly in her lap, she finally spoke. “Haru, it was only a bad dream. You are just a normal boy that got lost in the woods. You were scared. Anything else you imagined is not real.”

Young Haru had believed that lie. Or at least, he had wanted to. How could his young mind imagine that his mother would lie to him? Even now he didn’t understand the lie. He didn’t know that his mother had read about the missing boy in the paper. How the parents had been scrutinized and questioned. That she and others had judged the parents for every misstep they had ever made. But even if he didn’t understand the reason for the lies, he knew the truth now, that she had lied to protect herself and the lies would never end.

Haru had believed the lie for as long as he could, but the truth found him shortly after on the city bus. That monster in his nightmare had gotten on the bus and looked right at him. That moment, his world shattered. That was the first time he heard the voice. It had told him to run. To live. But he had frozen, too scared to even breath, and that was his first trip to the hospital.

But the lies hadn’t stopped. His mother wouldn’t let him speak the truth and Haru had been alone ever since.

“Your appointment won’t take long, it’s only a quick follow up,” Haru’s mother said. “Just tell the doctor how well you’re doing. That nothing has changed. Your memories haven’t returned. Your medication is working and you feel normal. When you’re done, I’ll drop you off at school so you can see your friends.”

Haru nodded and gave a reassuring smile. He wondered if these were the lies she believed herself. Or did she also have a voice that whispered the truth to her? She was always angry when the truth surfaced. She’d drop the act of pretending to love him and the cruel honesty would slip from her mouth. That she was exhausted by him and this life. But those moments were the only times Haru understood his mother. He knew the exhaustion well.

So many lies. Each one an impossible weight.

He had no memories. Lie.

His medication was working. Lie.

He was fine. Lie.

His family loved him. Lie.

He had friends. Lie.

He wasn’t alone. Lie.

He was living a normal life. Lie. This wasn’t living.

This wasn’t living, but it was the only life Haru had and he wanted to live so bad, so he would pretend this was living. He’d never give up, no matter how exhausted he was from running from the truth.

Haru slumped against the car window, his exhaustion in this moment felt unbearable. Haru wanted the lies to stop. He wanted to be free of the weight of them. But he would bare it because speaking the truth meant all the lies would be exposed. Everyone would know. Then they would leave, like they always did, and he’d have to face the truth that he was alone.

So instead, Haru would lie like he always did. Then he’d go back to school and be with his friends. Even if those friendships were a lie, he could pretend he wasn’t alone when he was with them, and sometimes he actually believed it. So he’d hold on to them as long as he could, even if it wouldn’t last. Even when the voice whispered the truth in his ear. Even if he would always eventually have to admit that he was alone.

[starsarehere]

well a meme i think...

[rj-jinye]

a study on ghosts for hyyh jihope

(so you are tired by sufjan stevens)

hoseok is a vision of sunlight and smile, a summer hallucination. he conducts false memories and plants them in his own head. he treats himself like a trick of the light. half the time he pretends to be here, he is somewhere else, trapped in vocalizations over the hills and in the ripples the wind makes in humid heat. he still blooms orange in their little group, sun at his core that makes him look like arms wide open to them, splayed and unabashed and glimmering.

jimin and hoseok dance around each other like ghosts. sometimes jimin has a hard time telling which one of them exists. sometimes they are both there, albeit rarely, when hoseok feels solid against the press of jimin’s fingers, or when he really smiles, with his heart on his lips. but most of the time they’re both half-gone, corporeality traded for the poltergeist cities they’ve built in their own brains, brick and mortar derived from old memories. they never make it past the county lines. it’s like orpheus and eurydice; a death for a death. they find each other on the doorstep of eternity, exchanging death like cards. taking turns. there are times jimin almost begs to stay, to be left in the darkness, if only to not have to face the walk up the stairs to life for the millionth time. orpheus and eurydice, one or the other, never together, when neither want to stay and neither have the strength to make the climb. so they remain as ghosts, as translucent as white sterile sheets when they are stroke by sunlight.

jimin walks the coast, feeling himself so fragile the wind would snap him if it tried. he’s never been able to hide his thoughts from his face, thoughts he wanted hoseok to know. it’s impossible. hoseok knows everything, knows every debt, knows every flaw. jimin wonders if he counts them like pills. if he takes them the same way, as a reminder of what he can’t admit, a reminder of what tethers jimin to him. if maybe, in some unfeasible way, he had loved jimin. once, before. although involuntarily, he had loved him. even if it had died long ago on a hospital bed, hooked up to a heart monitor. seized and flatlined.

if there was any possibility, he would have freed hoseok from his binds. he would’ve, he swears, despite what it could meant for him. if he could leave hoseok to his pills and his meandering over hilltops—but he can’t. it’s a singular flaw, one he knows hoseok counts, one he knows he is resented for. the kind that stands out like a gaping wound, ugly and infected and unable to heal. but he still finds himself lingering at the apartment even after hoseok disappears. finds himself being the one hoseok comes home to, when he’s wholly tired of being saved, tired of jimin’s fingers around the neck of a bottle, tired of jimin’s mouth on his collarbone, tired of love. jimin wishes he was hooked up to a monitor. seized and flatlined. but death is death and if he was asked to, he would’ve become orpheus. chosen as orpheus had. made the bargain. left hoseok behind to flicker in his ghost mind, addled and slipping. and at least then hoseok would not be a remnant, if the only thing holding him back had let go. at least his light would become real. at least only one of them would remain a hallucination. a mere conjuring from the memories of what was lost and what would never return.

[xxgloss93]

2015 Park Jimin

[firefliesindisguise]

i need an orange hair jimin photocard……

[also-web]

AMOR⠀DE⠀VERÃO;⠀ ⠀⠀(⠀항상⠀)⠀⠀⠀⠀MEMÓRIAS.⠀⠀⠀⠀♡⠀⠀⠀⠀제이

𝗉𝗈𝖾𝗌𝗂𝖺 ⠀𝗊𝗎𝖾 ⠀𝖻𝗋𝗈𝗍𝖺 ⠀𝖽𝖺⠀ 𝗉𝗈𝗇𝗍𝖺 ⠀𝖽𝗈𝗌⠀ 𝖽𝖾𝖽𝗈𝗌 ⠀𝖾 ⠀𝗌𝖾⠀𝖾𝗌𝖼𝗋𝖾𝗏𝖾⠀ 𝗋𝖺́𝗉𝗂𝖽𝖺

𝖾 ⠀𝗎𝗋𝗀𝖾𝗇𝗍𝖾⠀ ⠀⠀🗒️⠀ ⠀⠀𝗽𝗮𝗶𝘅𝗮̃𝗼⠀𝗶𝗻𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗱𝗮.⠀⠀⠀⠀널⠀⠀⠀⠀‘ 🍓⠀⠀⠀사랑해

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀𝗅𝖾̀𝗏𝗋𝖾𝗌⠀⠀𝖿𝗋𝖺𝗂𝗌𝖾

[hopefulngold]

lovers

[interludekore]

adventure after school 🍏

[the-djarin-clan]

[banghwa]

BARBIE POSTERS + HYYH (insp.)

[haomnyangz]

Would I be able to straighten out the errors and mistakes and save all of us? I didn't grasp the depth and weight of this question. It was true that I desperately wanted to save all of us. No one deserves to die, to despair, to be suppressed, and to be despised. On top of that, they were my friends. We might've had our flaws and scars and have been twisted up and distorted. We might've been nobodies. But we were alive. - Seokjin – 2 May Year 22 HYYH; THE NOTES

[starsarehere]

well a meme i think...

[rj-jinye]

“something evil seems to fill the cavities in hoseok’s chest. like black sludge, swelling and bubbling over. he knows it’s wrong from the moment his fingers press into jimin’s skin. these are things that do not belong to him, things he shouldn’t be taking and tearing up and leaving prints all over. jimin smiles over at him, canines bared and pointed, silver sheen on his face and fingernails raw and bitten to the quick.

hoseok can’t tell which one of them is the devil.

it’s a dizzying realization, ripped out from the recesses of his stomach and forced out, hatred and guilt and a twisted kind of desire. the type of hunger that feels dirty. shameful. he grips it tight, breathing in, and welcomes it with open arms.”

— a wip by yours truly

[dasisugarun]

hyyh feelings

[taechnological]

thinking about him (orange haired hyyh jimin)