#i have gotten some of the worst sleep in my life and ive only been able to sleep because im knocking myself out with meds

[s-ccaam-era-crepe]

going to the dentist again tomorrow. scared ! scared !!

[signedeclipse]

hi! Can I get some headcanons with petplay, with Dōma, Muzan, and Shinobu? If you don't do that kink feel free to ignore this!

Douma | Muzan | Shinobu [X Reader]

In which they share a pet/master dynamic with their s/o and get heated with it.

Douma

To him, humans are very akin to animals

Rabid, wild things that have such strange rituals, doing absolutely anything to survive

But you were different from those predators, something gentle, something more of a prey he wanted to protect

Like a rabbit!

He doesn't really realise he treats you like that, because it's apart of your everyday life

He gives you 'treats' when you do something he likes, and pets you on the head all the time

You're just so timid and easily frightened

It's so cute to him!

Douma would eventually introduce the dynamic to your more intimate moments

He likes seeing you in the fake long ears and round little tail he got for you

He loves when you fall on your hands and knees for him, and follow him around like the good little bunny you are

The demon doesn't really know what the dynamic is, as far as he's concerned you're his cute little plaything that he wants to protect and ravage

It will be very public in the cult, at least seeing you collared or being pampered by him and called bunny

Mosaics and religious artefacts are made with you in it, represented by a small rabbit held by the demon

Besides, you both fuck like rabbits too

Muzan

The demon lord craved control over everything in his life, even his s/o

Of course he was far more lenient with you, but you seemed to crave listening to his every word when you weren't being such a brat

It didn't go unpunished, but your punishments were far from painful, just overwhelming

He is subtle in the dynamic, besides the petname and a nice leash to tug you by

Anytime he is sat reading, he likes to have you kneeling beside him, with your leash wrapped around his hand and head resting on his lap

His weak kitty, his precious kitten, something that needed to be protected from the world, and shown how to behave

Not only is his life with you private, but you as a whole

You are his and his alone, and in a sense your home is your cage, the only place a precious thing like you should be

Cats can be very bratty, so he has a few things around that he can tie you up and leave you strapped it until the only thing you can do is mewl

" Good kitty "

Shinobu

Surprisingly the worst of the two

She keeps it insanely private, but behind closed doors Shinobu is a total freak

She'll tie your ankles to your thighs so you have to walk on your hands and knees

Collar you and tug on your leash so you force your pace into her pussy

She wants full control over her dumb little puppy

Will 100% have a dog bowl for you to drink out of, and she loves watching you humiliatingly do so

Your dynamic is kind of 24/7 but out of sight, with your public collar being a necklace with a small lock on it so no one thought much of it

Probably has a bed with non conspicuous bars under it that acts as your cage

You usually sleep with her, but if you've been bratty or behaving badly you'll sleep under there, or when you find it more comfortable

Will make you drool like a dog too, after ruining your orgasms for an hour and then making you cum nonstop for another hour

Authors Note - OKAY FIRST you chose the best characters for this because if anyone asked me who has a petplay kink I would have said these three

Secondly, this is probably the most personally controversial ask ive ever gotten because all my social circles (communities, school and work) are very prestigous/formal and sometimes I wonder what they'd think if they found this acc and saw this.

Thirdly, thank you for requesting! I hope you enjoy <3

[yume-fanfare]

mitsuba's deaths and almost deaths: my ranking!

he has died 3 times in canon, and has had some other close calls in both canon and aus, so it's ranking time! this will of course contain several spoilers under the cut!

CANON DEATHS

number 3: his severance death

this one has a LOT of potential! it had been a while since his last death! he broke into pieces right in front of kou, and just as he was having the most peaceful cutest sleep! was vanishing physically painful? who was more emotionally hurt by it, kou or mitsuba? how did it feel Falling Apart into pieces later? i need to know! but unfortunately we haven't yet gotten an actual severance chapter from their pov, only vague flashbacks. we don't even quite know what natsuhiko told kou and it's haunting me. can we go back to the kou becoming a supernatural plotline please. but anyways yeah this is why it is the worst (in terms of thematic importance and story focus) death to me. need those extra details

number 2: his first death

car accident. when he was buying potatoes. on his mom's birthday. when curry doesn't even actually need potatoes. need i say more. there's even the extra irony in the fact that kou's earring, which he so hates, says "traffic safety" in it. it's simply so perfect. it aligns so well. it's an everyday tragedy, yet it somehow is the cause behind the plot of the entire manga. has led to some of the most heartbreaking official art. like the one where baby kou is holdin g an empty uniform whose owner has vanished into a pile of flower petals. fucked up.

number 1: the death of m1tsuba

PERFECT. SHOWSTOPPING. HE DIED IN KOU'S ARMS!!!

the scene that actually got me Invested in this manga. ive watched it around three hundred times, in the anime, the manga and the musical and it can still bring me to tears. while death number 2 hangs heavier, this one ranks higher for me because it is. a cataclysm. this event seriously changed the trajectory of kou's life forever. HAS THE "this... this isn't you, mitsuba! the mitsuba i know i-is... sassy. girly. sarcastic. selfish. and... and his voice was annoying. obsessed with cameras. went emo sometimes and was only fake-nice. and... and he was my friend!" LINE AND and it cut to the shot of their first meeting as first years but with mitsuba getting up and leaving and! man. it is so good. i wouldn't change a single detail. something important to me... maybe

ALMOST DEATHS (CANON AND NON-CANON)

only the ones i remember off the top of my head and wanted to talk about sowwy

if you have not read any of the aus i mentioned you Definitely should check them out they are SO good!

honorary mention: the times he's (almost) been turned into a mokke

didn't know whether to count this one but i really like it it's so funny. his pyon pyon pink bunny era. the most mokke-coded character. i did cringe a little in that christmas event where his gift was being turned into a mokke because come on. horrors for him again? on christmas? but no one had that great of a time then so ill forgive it

number 5: his transformation into a familiar in hanako-kun of magic

he didn't die at all in this one, yes, but it's supposed to parallel his becoming a supernatural, so it's going into the ranking. it was kind of lame though 😭 ik it was public voting yadda yadda but like it only happened like that to fill aidairo's monthly quota of bad things happening to mitsuba. the alicorn concept and clothes were cute though ill give them that. can we get a colored front-facing ref

number 4: his almost-death in chapter 98

it sucked so bad. like ok. when i was reading the chapter i was not surprised by it at all. this is a horror manga so something bad Had to happen, and like hell he was actually going to die Again in that moment. and it was executed in a really cool way! kou's single page that only had a "SQUELCH" speech bubble was bone-chilling and there is almost a eurydice flavor to the whole fleeing and turning around to see the ghost of the person you love and finding that you're holding Only their hand.

but as much as ive joked about this manga inventing a new level of bury your gays, there Are some unfortunate implications to two boys having a cute date and then immediately almost-killing one off them. (this could indeed also be applied to mitsuba's death in a way too). im usually not too harsh w this stuff because even if the implications are there i have faith that this wasn't quite meant like that.

but ultimately this scene was there only for shock value to end the chapter in a cliffhanger so! not ranked very high

number 4: his afterlife as a mummy in the ghost hotel café

ok we barely have anything on his death here so it's not too high but just those four lines are so funny. guy who owns the land but is too scared to act out on it. is secretly planning on taking over the hotel. has cried when kou bit him. is his pastissier apprentice. i hope he's better at baking than mit2uba is at cooking. the idea of them having a silly afterlife baking together and chasing after each other is so funny i love them

number 3: his youkai transformation in the bakeneko ryokan hanakotei

his most recent almost-death! we don't know much about it yet but it is such a cute concept!!! he turned into a kitty youkai and now works at the hot springs! it's just like spirited away!!!! super invested on this one i want more so badly

number 2: the time he got poisoned in hanako of the opera

chef's kiss! this one is Almost perfect, if only because the number 1 spot is my favorite scene in any manga ever. mitsuba drinks poisoned peach juice and thanks to the subsequent investigation and hanako's intervention, he is able to escape from the oppressive opera environment with kou! but here is the catch: every night, natsuhiko left a glass of juice for him, and mitsuba never once drank it. what changed this time? why did he drink it? well, the one who left the juice and poisoned him was not natsuhiko, but kou. did mitsuba know? kou. poisoned mitsuba, who in this au is his Childhood Friend. to see if, by taking him out of the opera, he'd be able to help him regain his love of music. and mitsuba willingly drank the poison. probably knowingly. he trusted kou not to kill him. and then they elope. there are sooo many levels to this one i love it

number 1: chapter 48, picture perfect arc

EVERYONE GIVE IT UP FOR THE BEST ROMANCE EVER!!! SHOWSTOPPING!!!! BREATHTAKING!!! NO ONE DOES IT LIKE THEM!!!

it's so perfect. the way the the page where kou jumps off the building is angled and composed so that the panels themselves are falling with them too. kou's promise. the way he literally jumped off a building just to have a chance to understand mitsuba better. and then they'd work their way back to life together! it gets me every time. no one does it like them. i love them so much. <333

and that is all, thanks for sticking by!

but how about YOU guys? what is Your favorite mitsuba death? how would you change my ranking? im always up for talking about mitsuba!

[corviiids]

hello rook, here's a story for you! i have not slept all night, combo of work and having to virtually attend a wedding on another continent. i open ao3 and my body suddenly becomes very awake because my phone is displaying that you only have 11 works on your profile. as someone who has dearly loved your work for years, I fly into a sleep-deprived emotional haze, fully ready to send you, "thank you so much for sharing your works they truly meant and mean so much to me" in the form of a truly massive wall of text. while writing, I open my phone again to cross-check a reference as to not embarrass myself while I pour my heart out. my phone refreshes your page, as I'd been typing the former message out for a decent while. I was in gifted works. The entire time. In fact, you had quite literally hours before updated as you like it. So considerably less panicked now: thank you so much for your works. You've genuinely gotten me through some of the worst times of my life. It's been five or six years since I started following you and your work has always been something I cherish, and I will cherish every piece you write for however long you continue to share them with us and beyond. My best friend knows the plots of all your works by proxy since I always end up assailing him with messages whenever I read a chapter. The joy I get seeing you post is a constant. I was just as excited today as when as you like it first released, only with the added relief from seeing that no, 85% percent of your works didn't disappear, my soul may have actually left my body momentarily in joy. All that to say, thank you so much, you are a delight, know that your works are much loved and that I'm rotating them around in my brain like a microwave, and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day. C:

HEY thank you so much. i first opened this ask at a real low point actually (unrelated to writing!) and ive reread the message a few times since to pick myself up. it's wild to hear anyone's been following me or reading my writing for that long, and it is honestly mind-blowing to me that anything i made could mean that much to someone. i'm really touched that you even told your friend about my stories. so seriously, thank you.

(it's sometimes hard to feel good enough about your own work to keep sharing it, but you've inflated my ego a good amount so my self esteem could probably handle a while longer of steady assault if need be!)

and thank you for your kind words about as you like it! i had sort of assumed that everyone had forgotten about it since it's been so long, haha. hearing people remembered it and were happy to see it again was a real joy for me. that fic meant a lot to me when i started it and it still means a lot to me now, which is why i decided to try and resume it, even if it was just for an audience of me. it's really nice to know the audience is not in fact just me! i hope you enjoy the rest of it. there are a few parts of it that i've had written since 2021 and it's still, in my opinion, some of the best writing i've ever done - we'll see if i get enough done to post it. :)

[memryse]

Au!Scott question! Wann give me the rundown? I've only seen some Fanart (which looked AWESOME) but I don't even know what au stands for >< so if u wanna give me an introduction...? that'd be epic uwu

ive tried posting this like three times now and i think it just doesn’t want to let me include a clip so you’ll all have to do without sorry

ausmp = area unknown smp! it’s guqqie’s server, i don’t know too much about it beyond au!scott bc i got into it just for him like a week ago and haven’t gotten around to watching much else but the vibe i get is a sort of dsmp level vibe of “friends fucking around but also heavy lore”. nobody is fully human on this server and if you think you are? think again apparently :D <- soupforeloise didn’t like that one! scott isn’t in the server from the start and when he does join he takes the role of the main villain.

au!scott is, in cc scott’s own words, what alsmp vampire scott would have been if alsmp had been more lore heavy. he’s a demon, the ruler of hell, and also aimsey’s brother. aimsey is also a demon, but was never as good (evil) at being a demon as scott. they had too much love in their heart, they were too human in nature, so they ran away to escape both hell itself and scott - until scott shows up and finds them :) scott is just. yeah. pure evil here. he’s manipulative and specifically delights in making aimsey’s life miserable. he refuses to do manual labour and everything that he owns is stolen from another player. he’s smug and awful and violent to aimsey’s face (and later eloise’s) but to everyone else he’s the new guy :) he’s lovely and friendly and everyone loves him. nobody would ever believe aimsey - a demon who already has a reputation for causing trouble - over him, right? :) he’s here to take aimsey back to hell, but he wants to stick around a bit first. for funsies. he’s smug, manipulative, lies in every sentence he says and is entirely used to getting his own way. he’s continually learning that very few things - and people - in the overworld are fireproof. he’s immortal and, unlike aimsey, is not afraid of water… no spoilers but let’s just say there is a reason au!aimsey doesn’t like water and it is not because it’s innate to demons. so no fucking wonder he’s smug he’s basically invincible for now (in lore this will change. Outside of lore owen is really fucking mad about this and keeps insisting au!scott is actually also allergic to water)

other than lying his hobbies include manipulation, twisting other people’s words to get what he wants, redecorating other people’s homes with nether items when they’re not in and more lying and making aimsey’s life miserable and more lying. the redecorating usually involves hiding corruption in their walls. incidentally he does canonically know xornoth and has said that this is similar to what xornoth used - he doesn’t personally usually use corruption, he prefers manipulation and outright brute force, but he’s curious about its effects on overworlders. however as i said he puts it in their walls rather than like massive tentacles lol.

he has a rlly fun dynamic with owen too imo. owen is a ghost with a very inconsistent memory, and scott is very interested in him because he senses something darker in him. he keeps pushing to corrupt owen by trying to get him to steal etc but they’re both playing mind games with each other because owen is also extremely sharp and is beginning to cotton on that scott is perhaps not the honest, kind and generous man he appears to be. If youve seen the axolotl thing you know exactly what i mean i watched that at like 6am because i couldn’t sleep and my heart was in my mouth.

in conclusion i love minecraft guys that are just the worst guys imaginable and au!scott is so so very up there.

[compassionatereminders]

hi kat!

i am here because i know you offer a listening ear and often some life advice, and i have something that is weighing on me heavily, and no one really to talk to about it right now.

sorry. this is long. cw for a short mention of suicidal thoughts ?

i have a friend. i HOPE they are still my best friend but im not sure anymore. we have known each other for 6 years and i love them immensely. we had semi-seriously joked about living together someday, and for years until a few months ago, if i was hanging out with a friend, it was them. they are an amazing person, super creative, kind, funny…! we get along like no one ive ever met before. i am also friends with their siblings and their parents.

a few months ago i noticed them changing a bit… more withdrawn… but i figured it was just, yknow, having other stuff, or something. problem is i developed… not a crush… i am aroace, so it isn’t romantic, but it is a deeper platonic love than i have ever felt before. i didn’t tell them cause they’re also aroace, and the only relationship they’ve ever been in caused a lot of trauma… i still don’t know the story there but i know it’s not good. so i decided… i will keep it to myself. but i daydreamed a lot about like, living together… cuddling with them… having them play with my hair. i have a complicated relationship with touch, so that was a big deal for me. but i resigned to never having this, which is okay, but it did cause me heartache.

months later. i go to hang out with them. some physical contact - laying on the ground next to each other, stuff like that. very nice for me. but as it turns out they are actually extremely touch averse - a combination of sensory problems and trauma. they like the IDEA of it but not the reality. so. we had a little discussions, of course i respect their boundaries, but again this causes me some heartache. which i wouldn’t ever tell them about because i wouldn’t want them to feel guilty for this.!

but after that… they don’t talk to me much for a while… they are acting more withdrawn… i know for a fact they were actually purposely avoiding me, lying to me… i see them frequently but i was afraid they didn’t like me anymore and didn’t want to be around me or be friends anymore… well i finally got up the nerve to text them and they said, you know, i am so sorry you felt that way, it isn’t you i am just dealing with some difficult things right now. so i was very relieved.

but still we don’t talk nearly as much… i am still so so afraid they don’t like me but i don’t KNOW. when i m with them it is okay but whenever i am alone… i think about it… and it causes me physical pain… i can’t sleep well, i can’t do my homework, i get sick from it… every time i am by myself… i miss them so much and everything in my life is a reminder of how it used to be… every song is one i used to share with them… my favorite blanket is one they gave me… even our characters had intertwining backstories… it is getting worse every day and i feel like i’m being eaten alive… i am becoming somewhat suicidal and that scares me because i thought i’d gotten through the worst of that but this is so, so much worse… i WON’T hurt myself or commit suicide but sometimes i wish to (again, i will not, that’s not a concern at this point, just that ive been having these thoughts at all).

i can’t stand not knowing if they like me anymore, if anything will ever be the same again, if i am alone and have to find my way to a new future without them in it… i am losing myself to this and i don’t know what to do…! i don’t know if it’s real or not… if i am making it up, if they are just going through stuff themself, i have been on-and-off convinced they are teaming up with a mutual friend to make me feel like this on purpose which OF COURSE they’re not except sometimes i think they are…

have talked about it with 2 important people in my life but not all of it… i am too scared to tell people how deeply i feel about my friend… i am scared of telling people many things about myself…

if you decide to answer, thank you… thank you for all you do for everyone here all the time… i have asked you things before and always i find myself doing better afterwards… so thank you so much. you are lovely and an inspiration to me to do better at boundary setting and similar things… thank you.

I think you gotta go to them and communicate something along the lines of "I have some desires and needs in this relationship which aren't being met, and we need to discuss whether that is something you are comfortable providing. If it isn't, then that doesn't make you a bad person at all, but then I will have to distance myself for a while to work through my own feelings"

[butterflyindisguise]

Blog #1

I started a new job recently, i like it a lot

It gives me a lot more perspective on people.

Ive always had a problem trying too hard to understand others’ thought processes/trying to make people understand mine and this has been interesting how ive started to let go of it.

I find myself praying for these people i see and those I work with. I have so much joy in my life, but not many others are as lucky as to have that. Im extremely privileged to have these opportunities and part of the process of letting go of old bad habits is understanding. I see anger and sadness and frustration and I sympathize, empathize even. I want to help but I know God’s way is for me to spread kindness and keep them in my prayers.

Today the person training me was super upset about a misplaced cleaning itsm in the breakroom. Im usually super quiet around my superiors, i prefer to watch them to see who Im most comfortable around. He stomped around the entire store looking for me, finally finding me and accusing me of putting it there. Of course, i had only gotten there minutes prior so it couldnt have been me, but it made me wonder how difficult someones life outside of work would be to make them lash out at something as minuscule as a cleaning supply.

I hope people like this begin to let go like i have.

Ive been really proud of myself, dropping bad habits and taking baby steps towards happiness, finding joy in small things. Every day isn’t going to be perfect and I know that, i know that days aren’t like movies where it all sucks then everything is magically made better by some crazy event that happens in the span of an hour and 45 minutes, so im slow with myself. Ive put less pressure on “living happy”, and more about “living negativity free”.

This month is different for me too. My sister died this month years ago. My mom suffered the worst. When she died i was told it was my fault. Sometimes I still struggle with that. It makes me sad. So i look for birds in the sky. We both think these birds are her coming to see us. So when I see a bird it makes things a little bit better.

I don’t have work again for three days which will be an amazing break for my feet, and i get to sleep in (lol). I like writing about my thoughts because a lot of the time these things are constantly running through my head and writing it down makes me feel a little more organized. I wanted to try writing them online because (im a bit of an attention wh*re >.<), or i want people to see these and maybe feel less alone. Either or, whichever youd like to interpret this as.

I hope whoever is reading this has an amazing day and knows that they are loved and appreciated on this earth. None of us would be the same without you. Thank you for existing and trying your best

[lastofhope]

Rant: Loneliness

First post! I know that digital footprint is a thing and this account may eventually backfire because I'm gonna spill everything I can't say in real life, but whatever at this point because I need an outlet.

Ok so. My loneliness is getting really bad. These past few months have been really rough. Around 8 - 10 months ago was probably the worst my loneliness has ever gotten in my life, (I hated everyone in the world and was living with constant spite, and simultaneously living with heavy guilt for those feelings). As for the fast few months, I started off fine, the previous months actually being really peaceful, but of course, like everything in life, it had to go away. I got incredibly sad, to the point I'd just sob multiple times a week, with such heaviness that it made it feel impossible to move and want to sink to my knees when i walked (I've never experienced crying where it made me want to collapse completely like that until then). If i cried during the afternoon I'd just be completely exhausted afterwards and only want to sleep. Then my life was quieter because I used up all my emotion and couldn't feel as much, before I started to notice something constantly in the background. Eventually i recognized it as pure emptiness. It's come and gone, but the past few weeks it's been prominent in my life.

I can't feel love for anyone in my life. Although that's been an issue for a long while, it's never been as concentrated and constant as it is now. Listen, I have friends, but a little over a year back my closest friend group all split up and i lost that feeling of closeness to all of them, (i could tell them everything, they were the only ones I could tell everything, or anything for that matter, and i lost that completely). Even though we're on good terms now i have not felt close to them. I have lots of other friends, none who are incredibly close or reach out to me. My relationship with my parents is good, we get along, but we aren't emotionally close whatsoever (i don't feel comfortable whatsoever opening up to them due to many previous situations and we've also never had that kind of relationship where i go to them for any kind of help or advice).

I should be grateful for our dinners together, for the time i get to spend with my family, but instead i feel nothing when I'm with them. Same with my friends (none of my old close friends). I invited them over for a party last Saturday and at the end of the night i looked around at this group (some who I'm generally close with and have known for years) and realized i felt nothing for them. I'm so broken. I don't even understand why this is happening.

I hate this hyper independent culture we have. "Learn to love being alone! Nobody's gonna come and save you, so save yourself. Just love yourself!" What fucking bullshit. I need help. I know that if I just had one person who i could tell all my real feelings to, if i just had one person that i felt comfortable crying in front of and that i wasn't embarrassed to open up to, that i felt comfortable around, that i could go to for a hug when i needed it, I'd be fine. I've never had someone comfort me when I'm crying. I've never ranted to someone about my problems face to face, it's all been on text. I've never been able to just collapse into my parents arms and cry and tell them that something happened and I don't know what to do. I've never gone to my parents for any help with any personal issues. Everything bad that's happened ive got through alone, and it's wore me down as a person over the years. Fuck, do you know how fucking scary it was when one day I just lost my feelings and then never felt emotions the same way again? I had nobody to tell. Nobody to ask for for help. I was so scared. Or how I can't even feel too much excitement or happiness before my emotions turn off? How i used to go months feeling nothing but a lump in my throat that blocked all emotions? How i went emotionless for a few months because i enjoyed a book too much and that enjoyment shut off my feelings? How scared i was, how hopeless i felt when i realized i could only suffer through it and nothing i could do would make it go away? I can't feel extreme emotion anymore. I haven't for about five years. I went on roller coasters a month ago and i felt no excitement or fear on any of them. Nothing. i haven't felt fun in a long time and I don't know what will make me feel like I'm having fun again. I laugh with people but don't appreciate them, don't love them. Sometimes when i cry now all i feel are tears running down my face but i can't feel the sadness.

How am I supposed to go to college in the fall and make friends if i can't feel anything? I have to constantly put myself out there knowing I'll get very little return for months on end and maybe end up with a true friend. If I'm lucky. That's so exhausting when I already have so little energy for life. I won't be able to do it. But if i don't constantly put myself out there nobody will talk to or reach out to me and I'll be alone.

I used to be able to enjoy being alone. Sometimes my hobbies will make me happy. But more often than not now i have no will to do my hobbies because I'll have a singular thought of wanting a real deep true friend and get overwhelmed and sad. Nature used to be my healer, used to make me feel at peace when nothing else did, but now when i go outside alone i can't feel peace. I feel empty. Nature doesn't look calming or beautiful, and i realize nothing seems worth doing if i have nobody who really loves me beside me.

I'm at the point where my goal is to make it through each day. I have enjoyed a few moments as a result of this actually, such as the warmth of the sun on my back yesterday morning and a few good meals ive had recently. Those moments were nice. I'm realizing maybe that i should live just for the chance to maybe experience those little moments of bliss, even though emptiness overwhelms me most the time. But it's difficult when all I want is to have a true connection with one person. To have one person i can truly rely on. To have one person who can hold me when I'm too weak to stand. I know desperation won't get me anything, but I'm not even desperate anymore. I'm accepting of my situation. But it's a desire that takes up a lot of my thoughts, and the knowledge that it may be years before i actually find that person, that there's a large unknown amount of time stretched in front of me where I know i have to suffer, is crushing. It crushes my will to do anything. I keep trying to build relationships and talk to people and be very outgoing, but it's gotten me very little. Very few people reciprocate anything in life, even family. That's also crushing.

Nobody will save me but me. Nobody will care about me fully or understand more than me. But i can't go through life utterly alone and turn out okay and unscarred. I can survive. But I'm at the point where life is just survival for me. I'm not enjoying it. Im so empty. I've screamed and begged for years and years while sobbing to the universe for a close relationship with my parents, to be able to just sit on the couch and hug them for an hour, or for one person to come into my life that i have a true connection with and feel comfortable and happy with, that i can hug and go to for comfort. My prayers have yet to be answered.

When i think of myself in five years, suddenly i seem so unsure of where I'll be because i don't know how I'll live with this loneliness. I don't know how I'll live with nobody close to me for the entirety of my life. I don't think i can. God I'm so fucking miserable.

If anyone has advice on this other than to just distract yourself and survive the day, I'd love to know. Also sleep, i know to just go to sleep when everything seems overwhelmingly hopeless. I'm also posting this to know that anyone who feels this is not alone. I'm always here to talk if you need. But if anyone actually reads this and makes it this far, thank you, really. I hope you're doing well.

[agustdakasuga]

Between The Bloodshed | Chapter 8

Genre: Mafia!AU, Angst, Romance, Fluff

Pairing: OT7 x Reader

Characters: Doctor!Reader, Gangster!Namjoon, Gangster!Seokjin, Gangster!Yoongi, Gangster!Hoseok, Gangster!Jimin, Gangster!Taehyung, Gangster!Jungkook

Summary: Being a freelance doctor, this was just supposed to be any other job, helping a private client and taking care of him through his recovery. But you were not expecting to get caught in something so much darker that would change your life entirely.

This is your first time. The first time you see your 7 employers in action, the first time you see them as who they say they are. 

Warning: This story is fictional and has nothing to do with real life events or the actual members of BTS. It may contain depictions of violence, blood shed/ gore and mentions of abuse. Please read at your own discretion.

Chapter warning(s): Mentions of violence, blood and fighting. 

Humming a soft tune, you tucked your hands into the pockets of your lab coat as you walked. It was another boring day with the boys being out and now, it was time to head to bed.You yawned and stretched your arms but was interrupted by a loud bang. 

“DOCTOR!” 

“(y/n)!” Shouts made you run down the stairs. You ran to the sealed off wing of the house, the ‘business’ wing as you would call it. There, you saw Namjoon carrying an unconscious Hoseok. 

“Get me my emergency kit in the office.” You turned to a butler, making him run off. As Namjoon placed him down, you began to inspect his body. 

“Blow to the back of his head. The rest seem superficial.” The butler placed your first aid kit down. 

“Hobi? Can you hear me?” You clipped a blood pressure monitor to his finger and used your stethoscope to check him internally. The rest of the boys walked in, seemingly unharmed. Or at least, less gravely injured than Hoseok was.

“Is Hoseok hyung okay?” Jimin gave a small smile. 

“Seems like a concussion.” You said. Jungkook came over to help you carrying Hoseok up to your office. 

“Thanks.” You patted the maknae’s shoulder before he left. You hooked Hoseok’s up to an acetaminophen infusion with magnesium to help with pain since normal painkillers may cause him more internal bleeding. After that, you checked his head injury. Luckily, there wasn’t a need for stitches. You cleaned the blood off the wound and bandaged his head. 

“You’re okay.” You whispered, patting his forearm as you cleaned the rest of his superficial wounds and bruises. 

“I’ll be back, Hobi.” You took the rest of your things and went out to help the rest of the boys. Of course, you found them by the bar, having drinks. When you entered, everyone stared at you. 

“He’s alive. Resting.” You said first before sitting down on a bar stool, laying out the wound cleaning equipment. 

“Get in line.” You waved them over.

“We don’t-”

“Get. In. Line. Do I have to repeat myself?” You raised an eyebrow at Taehyung. He pursed his lips, looking away. One by one, the boys stepped up for you to clean their wounds. 

“Hobi got hit the worst.” Jin said. You nodded, inspecting each of them. Luckily, there didn’t seem to be any internal injuries. 

“You better not have any wounds for me to clean, Min Yoongi." You said, cleaning Jungkook’s knuckles. 

“Don’t worry, I was playing games on the sofa.” Yoongi rolled his eyes, showing you his phone screen, where his current game was ongoing. Even if Yoongi didn’t have to wear his sling anymore, he was still on a ‘no beating up people’ work order by his doctor, you. 

“Good.” You huffed.

“Is this enough action for you?” Namjoon chuckled.

“Yes, Namjoon. How kind of you to do this. The highlight of my otherwise, very boring day.” You rolled your eyes with a smile. You cleaned the cut over his eyebrow and placed the gauze down.

“Each of you take this.” 

“What’s this??” Jin asked but still took one of the white pills from your plastic medicine cup. Everyone took one except for Yoongi. 

“A little something so tomorrow won’t be a b*tch. It’ll also help all of you sleep better tonight.” You turned around to clear the bar counter of all the bloodied cotton. 

“To be taken with water.” You said with a clear of your throat, still focusing on your things. There was the sound of glasses being placed down on the table before water was poured out from the pitcher. Trust them to try and take their medicine with alcohol. You threw all the rubbish away and placed all the leftovers in your pockets. 

“Get to bed. Now. I’ll stay with Hobi tonight. Call me if you’re dying.” You ordered them and slid off the chair to stand. They watched you reach behind the counter and pour a glass of scotch whiskey. 

“Since you didn’t take the pill. This shall help you sleep.” You placed the glass in Yoongi’s hand and walked back to your office. 

“I’m back.” You announced, entering your office and checking on Hoseok. 

*KNOCK KNOCK*

“How’s he?” Someone poked his head. 

“I thought I made it clear that all of you were to head to bed?” You chuckled, tucking Hoseok in under the blanket and going to sit on your chair. The male by the door laughed. 

“Would you let me stay up if I have hot cocoa?” He raised an eyebrow. You threw your head back in laughter, waving at him to come in. Just like the other night, he placed the tray down and handed you a mug before taking one for himself and sitting down. 

“How are you? Too hectic?” He asked. 

“Nah, it’s okay. Believe it or not, being forced to intern at the emergency ward of hospitals is a lot worse than this. No downtime at all.” You shrugged. 

“I would imagine. We used to go to hospitals. But even the most private, exclusive ones ask too many questions. That’s why we decided to have a private doctor here instead.” He explained. 

“What happened to Hobi?” You asked. 

“A deal gone wrong. The people from our world don’t exactly know what patience is, especially the young ones.” He looked over at Hoseok. 

“Immature.” You crossed your arms. 

“Oh, you’ll be surprised at just how immature a lot of them can be. But I guess, that’s how gang wars start.” He smirked. You nodded your head. As adventurous as you were, being caught in a gang/ mafia war was not something you wanted to experience in the next few years of your life. You were perfectly fine with cleaning the cuts that they caused. 

“I’m going to head to bed.” He stood up once the hot cocoas were done. You nodded, placing your empty mug on the tray. 

“Goodnight.” You wished softly. 

“Goodnight, (y/n). Thanks for letting me stay up past my bedtime.” He gave a soft smile as he opened the door. But before he left, he called out to you one more time, making you lift your head. 

“Don’t... go to the other wing tomorrow, okay?” He turned his head slightly. 

“Okay.” You nodded and with another small smile, he left your office. You sighed, sliding down in your chair.

It was about 5 am when Hoseok finally stirred awake. You were used to pulling all nighters from times at the hospital and with your previous clients that you weren’t even tired. 

“W-Where am I?” He frowned slightly. You helped him sit up, pouring him a glass of water. 

“You’re in my office. Firstly, can you tell me your name and date of birth? And then, tell me if you know who I am.” You asked softly. His eyebrows furrowed for a while. 

“Jung Hoseok. Birthday is on 18th of February. You are Dr (y/n). The doctor that is working with our family and taking care of Yoongi hyung’s shoulder.” He said. You nodded your head in approval. Hoseok reached up to touch the thick bandage around his head. 

“Do you know what happened? I only remember some guy knocking me out.” He asked. 

“Well, I don’t know what happened exactly but Namjoon ran into the house with you in his arms. Then Jungkook brought you in here and you’ve been unconscious since. How’s the pain?” You asked. 

“A dull ache.” He groaned. 

“The concussion doesn’t seem too bad. But you should rest more, you can sleep here. Considering you can drink that water without wanting to throw up, I’ll remove your IV and give you some oral painkillers in a few hours.” You said, receiving the empty glass from him. Taking a pair of gloves and a bandaid out, you remove the IV needle from Hoseok’s arm. 

“There.” You taped the bandaid over the puncture hole and got rid of your gloves, the needle and empty IV bag. 

“How’s the rest?”

“All superficial injuries. You seemed to have gotten the brunt of the attack.” You said as you washed your hands. He nodded his head slowly, picking at the bandage around his forearm. 

“Stop that.” You hit his hand and he recoiled with a pout. 

“Mean.” He commented. 

“Go to bed.” You sat back down by your desk. 

“Aren’t you going to sleep?” He asked. You shrugged, typing on your computer. To refresh your knowledge, you would go through some old case files you had from time to time. Also, you felt that it was time to study up on proper treatment for bullet wounds and stabbing injuries.

“You should sleep.” Hoseok said. 

“You should sleep.” You snorted, opening your notepad to scribble something down. Even with your constant typing, Hoseok was able to fall asleep rather quickly, letting out soft snores. 

When Hoseok woke up, he saw that you fell asleep by your desk, your head bobbing up and down uncomfortably, hands still on your keyboard. 

“I told you that you should sleep.” He chuckled with a shake of his head. Hoseok left the office. 

“JK, come help me.” Hoseok called. 

“Oh, hyung. You’re awake. What’s up?” The maknae immediately stood up. Hoseok brought him to the office and pointed at your sleeping figure. Jungkook realised what his brother was trying to do and nodded. 

“She fell asleep taking care of me last night. I would carry her myself but I’m still a little dizzy. I don’t want to risk dropping her.” Hoseok whispered. Jungkook softly walked to you, slipping his arms under you and hoisting you up. You didn’t move but instead, snuggled into the warmth of Jungkook’s chest. He chuckled at your actions. 

“You should go rest some more, hyung.” Jungkook walked upstairs. Hoseok let out a hum. 

“I gotta go for the meeting though. Just bring her upstairs and tuck her in before she wakes up and kills both of us.” Hoseok sighed, patting the youngest on the shoulder and jogging off. 

“Aish, hyung. She’ll kill you for working when you’re supposed to be resting. Jungkook shook his head and opened your room door. 

“Hi, Kookie.” He whispered and placed you on the bed. You let out a small whine at the loss of warmth but was pacified by Jungkook draping your blanket over you. You cuddled your pillow, sleeping peacefully. 

“Let’s go, Kookie.” Jungkook opened the cage. Casting your sleeping form one last glance, Jungkook walked out with your bunny in his arms, closing the door softly behind him. He went down to finish his breakfast on the couch, Kookie hopping around beside him. 

“Here.” Jungkook experimentally held out an apple slice to Kookie. Kookie sniffed it with a wiggle of his nose before nibbling. 

-

Your eyes opened and you reached a hand out to feel your pillow. That made you sit up. Looking around, you realised that you were in your room. You didn’t even remember when you fell asleep. 

“Hoseok...” You slipped out of bed. Kookie’s cage was left open with the bunny missing. Stretching your arms, you went back to your office to find the bed empty. After that, you navigated through the house to find his bedroom. 

“Hoseok? Are you in there?” You knocked on it for several minutes but there was no reply. 

“Doctor.” A passing butler noticed you. 

“Hey. I was looking for Hoseok. Do you know where he is?” You asked, tucking your hands into the pockets of your coat. 

“The young masters are all attending a meeting in the other wing now. Young master Hoseok was seen with them. Young master Jungkook left Kookie in the living room with us.” He informed with a bow. You frowned, chewing your bottom lip. Hoseok knew he should be resting. Even if it was minor, he still suffered a concussion. 

“But doc-” 

“Thanks.” You gave a backwards wave, already on your way to the other wing. When you entered the foyer, it was eerily quiet. You were going to walk around when you heard a loud bang. 

“No, stop!” You heard screams. 

“You already know the consequences of causing a ruckus. Now we have your sh*t to clean.” Jin’s voice was clearly heard. 

“V?” You heard Namjoon now. Jungkook came out, dragging two people across the floor by the back of their collars. The two grunted and struggled. And following close behind them was Taehyung, with a metal bat resting on his shoulder. He chuckled. 

“Brace yourself.” He smirked. 

“Wait! We were only asked to do it, we’re not involved in this!” One of the men struggled in Jungkook’s grip. 

“You three were already involved the moment you accepted the money.” Jimin giggled, throwing another male to the ground. Yoongi just stood at the side, stoic, with his arms crossed. 

“Now, you get to watch your men suffer because of your selfishness.” Namjoon said to the first guy. He nodded at Taehyung, who stepped up. 

“No!” Taehyung swung the bat, beating down on the male. Everything suddenly went silent. There was a ringing in your ears and all you could see was the metal constantly swinging up and down. The smell of blood filled the air, making a lump form in your throat and you stomach bubble uncomfortably. It wasn’t stopping soon. 

“Me too.” Jimin smirked, stabbing the male he threw down earlier. He stood over the thrashing stranger, the knife constantly being brought down on his chest.

“See? That was all you.” Jin raised an eyebrow. 

“Here.” Yoongi tossed Hoseok a gun. Hoseok stepped forward, his confidence giving a facade that you couldn’t even tell he was injured the night before. 

“Bye~” Hoseok waved before pressing the barrel of the gun right between his eyebrows. There was a sickening bang, as blood splattered out of the back of the dead man’s head. 

“That’s enough, Tae.” Namjoon called out. At that, Taehyung stopped, stepping away from the male, who was at this point, unrecognisable. He stopped up straight, the bloodied bat in his hand. He used his sleeve to wipe the blood that managed to splatter on his cheek. That was when he met eyes with you. 

“D-D...” His eyes widened. The others were puzzled at what he was stunned by. They looked up and saw you. 

“(y/n).” That’s when your legs were finally working again. You took off, running away. You threw the doors opened and ran as fast as you could, not caring that your lungs burned. 

“(y/n)! Wait!” You heard them calling out to you. Finally, you reached your room. You made a beeline for your bathroom.

“Oh, gosh.” You bent over your toilet, hurling out your stomach’s contents. 

“Ugh.” You slumped back against the wall. Turning your head, you saw Yoongi standing there. The first thing you could grab was the scalpel in your lab coat pocket. 

“Don’t. Yoongi. Don’t come closer. I need to be alone.” You held out the blade in a threatening manner. But Yoongi didn’t seem phased at all by your threat or weapon. He grabbed your wrist, taking the blade and throwing it behind him. He suddenly tugged you forward into his embrace. Yoongi felt you tremble in his arms like a leaf. 

“Y-Your shoulder.” Was all you could say to distract yourself. 

“It’s okay. I’ve got you.” He whispered. That caused the dam to break. Sobs softly bubbled in your throat as you cried into his good shoulder. 

“You’re okay. Breathe.” He coaxed. Honestly, Yoongi wasn’t the best at comforting people. Well, at least, that was what he believed. He was chosen to come in because he was the only one not covered in blood.

“Come on.” Yoongi helped you out of the bathroom and onto your bed. 

“I’ll be okay. Just give me some time.” You placed a hand on your chest to breathe. Yoongi patiently sat with you. 

Meanwhile...

Namjoon sighed. This was too much drama in one day, alone. Changing into a new shirt, he dumped his bloodied clothes in a pile. When he stepped out of his bathroom, he saw Taehyung standing there. His hair was wet, fresh from the shower. But his eyes were red. 

“Taehyung ah.” Namjoon called out softly. 

“I’m just like him.” Taehyung’s voice cracked as his bottom lip trembled.

“No, you’re not, Tae. Stop saying that about yourself.” Namjoon said, sitting down on his bed. He patted the space beside him and Taehyung came closer. Ever since you came, Taehyung hadn’t sought Namjoon out in a while. 

“The fear she had... in her eyes. That was the fear noona had...” Taehyung mumbled. 

“I told all of you. It’ll take some time for her to get used to all this. Just give her some time. The doctor is strong, she can do it. That, I give her credit for.” Namjoon said, patting Taehyung’s head. Taehyung left Namjoon’s room. He stopped outside your door, where he heard you talking to Yoongi. He had to make sure you weren’t afraid of him. 

“Taehyung.” Jimin stood in the hallway, leaning against the wall. 

“I want to speak to her.” Taehyung frowned. 

“Are you going to tell her?” 

“I... I can’t.” Just like that, Taehyung’s resolve crumbled. On the outside, Taehyung looked tougher than Jimin. But on the inside, Taehyung still wished he was like Jimin. Jimin no longer showed an ounce of guilt. 

“Yoongi hyung is still talking to her. She’s not going to come out for a while. Why don’t you go help clean up?” Jimin suggested. 

“Okay.” Taehyung turned and left your door. He headed to the other wing, the butlers had cleared the bodies already, leaving the maids to clean the floor of blood. 

“Young master Taehyung.” They greeted. All he did was pick up his bat.

“Make sure it’s spotless.” He said and left. Going into the bathroom, Taehyung scrubbed the metal. After that, he washed the blood off his hands and under his nails. He constantly scrubbed them until the skin was raw. Even the blisters you treated the day before reopened. 

When you calmed down, you stepped out into the garden to sit under the gazebo for some fresh air, you heard footsteps approaching you. You turned around to face the person.

“I thought I told you not to go to the other wing today.” The male said with a raised eyebrow. 

“I forgot. I was just so worried about Hoseok working when he was injured, it didn’t even cross my mind.” You sighed. He took a seat opposite you. 

“And look at what happened now.” 

“I’ll be okay, not like I’m hurt or anything. It was just the initial shock.” You shrugged. And yet, the flashbacks of Taehyung beating the man and Jimin stabbing the other made you cringe. 

“We all took a while to get over it too, at first. It’ll get easier as time passes.” He comforted. 

~~

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[koshicoast]

A few shinkami headcannons because I love them more than anything

Shinsou has a growth spurt and practically towers over Denki by their second year (for all intents and purposes, Shinsou has always been in class 1A)

Denki grows a little bit but not that much, he’s not complaining though, he gets Shinsou to grab stuff on the top shelve for him or has him hang up posters in higher places in his room (the only downside is that he has to get on his tippy toes for kisses but usually Shinsou will just bend down like a good boyfriend)

They go on dates every Sunday, It’s their day and it doesn’t matter what they’re doing as long as it’s just the two of them

They could be studying or doing homework or exercising or anything really and they’ll call it a date

The rest of the class knows better than to try and contact either boy on Sunday

“Normies worship Jesus on Sunday but I worship Shinsou” - Denki, at one point in time

Shinsou loves playing with denki’s hair, he buys different kinds of hair clips just to put them in denki’s hair

he just likes how the colors pop out

He especially likes to see purple hair clips in denki’s hair

Tbh it doesn’t have to be hair clips, it could be a scrunchie or a rubber band or a headband; as long as it’s purple it does wonders to shinsou’s heart

Denki likes playing with shinsou’s hair too but more than that he likes seeing Shinsou in yellow clothing

Shinsou doesn’t wear bright colors a lot usually sticking with black or cool tone colors

But when he does wear yellow, Denki just gets all mushy no matter how small it is

It could be yellow earrings or socks or something and Denki will wear a love sick expression all day

Despite being in the hero course, Shinsou still gets incredibly insecure about his quirk and how some people only see him as a villain

Denki, without fail or hesitation, tells Shinsou what a great hero he’s gonna be, he talks about how Shinsou is gonna inspire a new wave of underground heroes and how he’s gonna be some kid’s Aizawa one day and how proud he is of him (The first time he said that, it makes Shinsou sob. It makes denki cry too bc he’s a sympathetic crier so they just lay in bed holding eachother)

He also tells Shinsou how no matter who’s the number one hero, Shinsou will always have first place in his heart. And that Shinsou is just as much as any other hero out there and even a little more because he’ll be underground

Denki just loves his boyfriend so much and whoever planted the idea that some quirks are just made for evil is going to get electrocuted >:(

Denki will also pepper Shinsou in kisses saying things like ‘you are so kind’ ‘you’re an amazing person’ ‘I love you so much’ ‘You’re my hero’ and just a bunch of stuff so by the end of their heart to heart Shinsou is feeling a lot better

Denki gets insecure about how ‘dumb’ he is and how he’ll probably just end up hurting civilians or himself before he hurts a villain

Shinsou hates how that’s how Denki views himself because Denki is one of the kindest people in the world and doesn’t even realize it like the first time Denki told him that insecurity, Shinsou looked at him and was like ‘are you..you’re serious? Denks, You’re one of the most clever people I know’

Whenever Denki mentions it, Shinsou he just squeezes the blonde and lets him cry out his frustrations before telling him that ‘he’s not an idiot or stupid and that it’s okay not to understand something as fast as others and that it’s okay to learn differently and it’s okay’ (Shinsou will always try not to cry but a few tears fall anyways bc he just wants denks to be happy without feeling like he’s a fuckup)

Shinsou never lets Denki call himself an idiot or stupid, even in a joking way.

They don’t fight a lot because of their personalities like

Denki is a people’s person and is really in tune with other’s emotions and by default is a pacifist unless otherwise

Shinsou isn’t a people’s person but he’s observant due to his quirk bc of how he’s been treated in the past, he’s also good at picking up on people’s body language

Most times it’s just small disagreements and even then they communicate the best they can and try to compromise

If that doesn’t work then they’ll give each other space so the disagreement won’t turn into something ugly

They’ve only fought once and it was the worst (and best) thing for them

The fight happened after a mock rescue mission goes wrong and there were weeks of stress and tension leading up to it

It was messy and bad like really bad

“I just don’t get why you have to run into danger!” Denki screamed. The whole dorm could probably hear them but he didn’t care, not when his boyfriend was looking at him like he just lost his mind.

It was supposed to be a simple training exercise. Simple. Go in, defeat villains, rescue the ‘hostages’. It was not that simple.

*insert how badly the mission went and Shinsou ran towards the danger to help or smth idk*

It gets pretty rough between the two of them because they’re both pretty emotional people

Shinsou thinks denki doesn’t want him to be a hero and denki thinks Shinsou doesn’t want to be with him

It’s a lot of insecurities + stress + yelling

Denki is the first one to break, he’s a lot more emotionally sensitive than Toshi and everything is just crashing down and he hates it

“Do you just not want to be with me?!” He cries, unable to keep the tears at bay any more. He hates arguing with people, especially when that person happens to be his boyfriend. He gets it, he does! Toshi is training to become a hero and so is he but that doesn’t make it easier. Doesnt stop the shot of fear whenever he watches the other get hurt, doesn’t stop the late night self deprecation, doesn’t stop the anxiety he gets whenever he sees Toshi run head first into danger.

But he gets it and somehow it’s a bitter realization.

Because Hitoshi’s priority is the job they signed up for and Denki’s is Hitoshi.

The fight ends with tears on both their parts and they call it a night, too tired to scream anymore

They sleep in their own rooms that night

The next morning they agree to take a break, not a full break up, but some time away. Space away from each other to prioritize and think.

(Now ive seen fanfics where everyone picks denki over Shinsou and i hate that so fuck you, class 1A are both their friends and they’re all family and try and to help each other I will die with that statement)

Surprisingly the two most helpful people are Bakugou and Kirishima

(Actually not that surprising, they’re the longest couple in the whole class, dating immediately after Kamino)

Bakugou and denki have a heart to heart

“You’re both dumbasses” Katsuki sighs heavy, passing another tissue over to the sobbing blonde. He’s not good at these kinds of things, but Kirishima told him he could help the electric blonde more than he could so here he is. “You gonna tell me what’s wrong or just cry?” He asks, not without a hint of worry though. He pretends to ignore it.

So denki tells him everything and his insecurities

Oh. Yeah, Kirishima was right.

“You think I’m an idiot” Denki mutters quietly, harshly rubbing his eyes.

“No” The older blonde shakes his head, plopping down on the bed next to the other. He doesn’t turn to meet yellow eyes, his own trained on the All Might poster hanging directly across from them. He feels Pikachu’s curious gaze on him so he decides to elaborate more, knowing the sooner he helps the sooner he doesn’t have to deal with this anymore. It’s totally not because he’s gotten soft. Absolutely not.

“Trust me, Zombie Eyes looks at you like you put the fucking stars in the sky. It’s disgusting to watch.” He crinkles his nose in disgust earning a small laugh. “People like him and I, we gotta work twice as hard. Not saying that no one else does but it’s different.” He stresses the last word. “People like Ei or Deku or even you, people already see you as good so all you gotta do is get stronger. They don’t question your character, your morals, they don’t look down on you for having a weakness. People like Zombie Eyes and I though?we gotta work hard just to prove that we’re good. That we were meant to become heroes. Every action we do is put under a microscope and analyzed.” He explains.

“We’re assholes by default, It’s how we were raised. Not saying it as an excuse though. He was in the shitty system and I had shitty parents, no adult taught us shit like love or how to properly deal with feelings.”

Stupid Deku tried with him but he didn’t even know how to deal with his own much less some angry blond kid’s.

He takes a deep breath, pushing back faint memories of his childhood. The younger hasn’t said a word but he can tell he’s listening so it’s fine. “We can’t just turn off how we are. If it’s frustrating for you and Ei, It’s worse for us. Like we know logically that we’re good people, that we changed but that’s now how our brain sees it. We push ourselves because that’s all we know how to do, it proves to us and everyone else that we bled for our spot here. That we made it. Having friends is hard because we compare ourselves to them and draw our own conclusions to their actions. Being nice? Our brain says it’s a trap. Showing some human fucking decency? Our shitty brain says it’s an act. Being in a relationship? Laughable. We’re just villains pretending to play heroes to everyone else.”

He takes another deep breath, forcing himself to look away from the poster, flashbacks to their first year briefly passing in his head. Okay yeah, not going down that route. He looks over, making eye contact. He wonders if this is how Kirishima feels whenever he’s trying to cheer him up. Wonders if it’s just as hard. This better be worth it, everyone has been miserable. (Shitty thing about having been through life and death situations together is that everyone has bonded and become close like a family so when one of them is sad it’s like everyone is fucking sad.) (He loathes it because even he gets worried.)

“But despite that he still loves you.” He says softly, almost whispering like he’s telling the other a secret. “Fights his demons to hold your hand and all that shit”

Shinsou loves him? Loves him?

“How do you.. how do you know?” Denki whispers, throat sore. “We fought so badly last night, we were screaming at eachother.”

“He treats you the same way I treat Ei.” He answers,

“He changed his priorities around to try and accommodate for another person in his life, you became more important than training or studying. He takes days off to be with you, cuts his studying short if you need a break. It might not seem much to others but for him that’s huge. He came in with this one track mind but then you came along and he scrambled to balance everything. And then you two got your shit together and started to go out and I’m pretty sure he got scared”

“Scared?” Denki asks, the thought almost funny to him.

“I did.” Bakugou admits as Denki’s eyes grow wide.

“I was petrified. When Ei started to become more important than hero work, I freaked. It’s not that loverboy is choosing being a hero over you, It’s because he doesn’t understand that he can have both. He thinks everything important is a choice- that if you want something you have to give something up. He chooses hero work and he loses you. He chooses you and he loses hero work.”

“But he’s not going to lose me or hero work”

“Kinda sounded like you did give him an ultimatum though”

The realization hits him like cold water.

Shinsou gets a similar talk with Kirishima

It helps, a lot

They don’t immediately go back to eachother, instead spending the week with their everyone else and just taking time for themselves

Shinsou knocks on Denki’s door Sunday morning and they finally talk things out

It’s also the first time they say ily!!

Anyways after that fight they work harder on communicating especially when it comes to things like hero work

It’s not perfect bc their dumb traumatized teens but they’re trying and they know their lil family will always be there

I haven’t slept but yes thanks for sticking around if you’re reading this

If ur interested in shinsou’s talk with Kirishima lmk

[kaz11283]

I really like the prompt list you reblogged it’s got some good stuff. What about 37. “Because I love you god damn it!” with Loki if you are still needing inspiration.

37) Because I Love You God Damn It!

~~~~

The Secret Is Out

Characters: the Avengers Bunch, Loki, Thor, Clint

Warnings: Dirty words, slight angst

Summary: after putting your life in the line for a teammate you accidentally let a big secret slip.

Announcements: I will always need insperation and requests! They feed my soul! Haha. I'm not gonna lie. Im skipping back and forth on my requests though. I have a really good story line for one but its just so emotional(thats were Im hoping it goes at least) that I didnt want to write it tonight and put my self in a mood. So instead I guess im goimg with a form of anger? Meh. Anyways... I absolutly love love love everything from you guys! The reblogs, likes, and comments are amazing and I am very greatful for all the love I am getting!!!! 💚💚💚💚💚

Loki Masterlist

~~~~

The fight had been rough but not as rough as you were feeling in the moment. You had gotten serverly hurt and had been in the medbay for about a week now and you had a longer road ahead. There had been an explosion and instead of turning to run away you had ran toward one of your team members that had been to distracted to realize what was going on, you had successfully gotten him shoved out of the way but you had taken the brunt of the blast.

Now you were laying here staring at the celing trying to stay distracted as Bruce and Tony looked at your completely shaddered knee and the burns up your leg. Fingers crossed that they would have good news soon.

"Well as of right now kid your out of commission." Tony said helping you sit back up.

"Meaning?" You pulled one of the pillows down so that you could sit up without being uncomfortable.

"Meaning right now, the way it all looks, your gonna be stuck in the bed until it fully heals and after wards theres really no way to tell if your going to be able to work in the field again." Burce said looking at the xrays again. "And your gonna have to have surgery in order to put all the right pieces back in the right places, but we cant really do that until some of the burns heal or at least start to heal. Its gonna be a long drawn out process unfortunately." He sighed setting the charts back down and walking over to you.

"Fucking hell! You mean I'm gonna be pushing paper work? I might as well go work in a damn office with four white walls and a poster that says 'hang in there, its almost Friday'." You placed your head in your hands.

"Hey! At least our paper work is more exciting than just running numbers." Tony said placing a hand on your back. He had been like a fsther to you, taking you in when you didnt have anywhere else to turn except the streets. Your own family had abandoned you at a young age and you had been leaning toward a dark path until Tony. "Besides with your expertise you dont have to sit behind a desk, your fingers arent blown off, you can still hack into stuff I'm sure."

"Tony we had a deal when I moved in. No hacking but you would train me and I could actually do good. Now look at me."

"I said no hacking the good guys, and if I remember correctly you were the one jumping close to the bomb not away from. I hate to be this way y/n but the only one to blame is yourself on this one."

"He would have been worst off than I am if not killed. I think I did the right thing. Besides you would have done the same thing if you had been closer." You sighed.

"Honey the diffrence with that is I have a supersuit, you wear a skin tight, spandex one peice, that I'm not a fan of." He laughted. Bruce had went to go get you some more pain killers to shoot into your IV.

"Tony if I were you I would shut up. Your starting to sound like you might actually love me, might even say your starting to act like a dad." You laughed pulling him into a hug.

"Shut it kid, cant let the others know I have a soft spot for the hacker orphan kid i took in all those years ago now can I." He said kissing the top of your head. "Do you need anything else before the drugs kick in and you pass out again?"

"Yes, can you please bring me my phone charger, laptop, and that really fluffy blanket that you and Pep got for me for Christmas."

"Dont ask to much of me now."

"I wouldnt be asking if you would just let me stay in my room. I hate it down here. I wanna be were the people are." You were starting to get loopy from whatever Bruce had given you.

"Ok little mermaid, get some rest I'll get your stuff." He laughed walking out the door letting you fall into a restless sleep.

You didnt know how long you hade been asleep but you woke up with a groan trying to sit up so you could atleast stretch your back from laying in one spot for to long. You flopped back down dramatically with a sigh. You could sense someine else in the room with you, you always knew when he was around.

"You dont have to hide in the shadows Loki. Your more than welcome to keep me company, you should know that by now." You smiled as the prince walked over and sat in the chair beside you. You could tell he hadnt been sleeping, his hair was fixed as always but his clothes looked worst for wear. He had on a plain black shirt and a pair of gray sweat pants, both of with had wrinkles in them either from tossing and turning or from not being changed in a few days.

"Whats wrong? And dont pull that 'nothing is wrong dear. I'm absolutly fine.' Bullshit. You look horrible." You reatched out to grab his hand. What you and Loki had was diffrent. You didnt just see his as a friend, he didnt just see you as that either though. You had spent many nights sitting up with the silver tounge man many nights laying on the couch watching movies, reading, talking about each of your pasts. He knew more about you than even Tony did.

"I'm still currently trying to wrap my head around why you pushed me out of the way and took the blow when you had a chance of dying from it. You shouldnt have been so thick headed my dear." He took your hand and raised it to his lips kissing the top of your hand.

"Loki." You sighed rolling your head to look back up at the celing. "You would have been hurt alot wordt than I am now, that blast could have killed you."

"I am a god y/n, that blast wouldnt have caused me nearly as much damage as it did you." His voice raised slightly.

"Thats what you think. You think that because you are "immortal" that you can take anything thats thrown at you. That no one really cares about you, that you wouldnt be missed? So why not try to take a blow from a bomb? My god your so stupid sometimes."

"I know I can. Norns y/n I've jumped into space, been brain washed, tried to take over New York, gotten smashed around by the Hulk. I was raised with Thor, he doesnt really go easy on a person. What I'm saying is I dont understand why you, a mear midguardian, would sacrifice themselves for me. If anything would have happened-"

"Nothing did happen though. I'm fine-"

"You have steel sticking from your leg, theres no telling when or even if you'll be able to walk again, and there are highly server burns that will leave scares. You cannot sit there and tell me that you are fine."

"Your right it does suck that I'm jot gonna be able to pull off shorts or a bikini anymore."

"This isnt a joke y/n. You almost died!" He finally yelled.

"And i would do it a thousand times over if that ment saving your damn ass again!" You shouted back.

"Why though?! Why me y/n? I've done horrible things, killed people! My life is meaningless." Tears had sprang to his eyes as he looked away.

"Because I love you God damn it!" You stopped suddenly your jaw dropping at the admission that you hadnt ment for him to hear. His head jerked back to you.

"What?" Shock was all over his face as he stood to walk closer to you. "What did you just say?"

"Because I love you Loki Odinson. Because if you were to die I dont think I would be able to go on living. Because even if you see all the bad things that you've done I can look pass that amd see all the good that you are doing." You reached up placing a hand on his cheek and wiping away a tear.

"I love you too y/n. I have since the day I met you. The girl that didnt care what anyone said when she spent time with me. The girl that can see through every face i put on. I love you so much darling." He placed his hand on your face and leaning down gently kissing your lips.

It felt like you thought it always should you felt electricity run through your body and the two of you connected. It was like getting a breath after not being able to for so long. He pulled away smiling at you.

"What do we tell the others?" He asked laying on with bed with you being easy with your leg. He placed his arm around your middle and pulled you as close as he could.

"I honestly dont care what we tell them. They can figure it out themseves for all I care." You smiled lacing your fingers with his, you yawned placing your head on his shoulder closing your eyes.

"Sleep now my Dove, I will be here when you wake." He felt your gentle breath slow as you fell asleep, the rhythm you of your breath lulling him into his own sleep.

Tony and Bruce walked in the next morning stopping dead at the sight in front of them. You and Loki were still cuddled on the small bed sleeping peacefully.

"Should we wake them up?" Bruce asked looking at Tony.

"Na, let them sleep. Dont want to let them know that we know." Tony saod grabbing Bruce's arm and turning to walk back out of the door.

~~~~

Tag List:

@kgirardin

@sophlubbwriting

@supbeeches

@high-functioning-lokipath

[doc-pickles]

anywhere i want (just not home)

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace

And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves

You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same

For the love of my life, the inspiration behind TS week, the wind in my sails… Happy later birthday @odd-birds-and-booksellers I hope you enjoy this

Always, Your Computer Wife,

Nina

+

We gather here, we line up

Weepin' in a sunlit room, and

If I'm on fire, you'll be made of ashes too

Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe

All the hell you gave me?

The pain in her cheek is still stinging as she struggles to open her eyes. There’s the faintest hint of sunlight filtering through the large window of her bedroom, a new day just beginning only hours after she’d finally been left alone long enough to find some peace.

The bed next to her is cold and empty, Paul having left for work while she was still crying and groaning in pain. He hadn’t spared her a second glance as he’d gotten dressed for the day, stepping over the puddle of blood that had collected on the floor where she’d laid for hours as he kicked her mercilessly, hurling harsh blows and leering insults as she’d tried to protect herself.

She pulls herself up and drags her barely conscious body to the shower, rinsing off the dried blood and sweat as she tends to the wounds she can see. She already knows she has at least one bruised rib and a sprained ankle, but she can’t do much about it now. For now all she can do is rinse off, lay in bed and hope that tonight doesn’t bring more of the same.

+

Jo bolts upright in bed, hand pressed to her chest as she attempts to slow her breathing down. The dream echoes in the back of her head, the painful memories replaying themselves in vivid technicolor right before her eyes.

She knows why they’re haunting her again, knows that he’s looking for her right now and that he won’t stop until he’s found her. Paul has made that much clear with his texts and letters, little signs to make it clear that they’re not done yet.

A hand closes over hers and she almost jumps before she remembers where she is. Jo squeezes Alex’s hand back, letting him pull her back down and into his embrace. As soon as his arms circle around her she can feel her body begin to calm down.

“It’s not even 2 AM, try and get some sleep, you need it,” Alex’s voice in her ears convinces her to close her eyes, even if sleep is far off the feeling of him so close helps to relax her. “I’ll be here when you wake up.”

'Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you

'Til my dying day

It’s later that same day when Jo receives another text, the ping stopping her during rounds and prompting her to make a flimsy excuse to Meredith as she rushes to the nearest bathroom.

Can’t wait to see you soon, both of you.

The text lingers in her mind as her breakfast reappears, tears flowing as she tries to drown out the overwhelming noise in her mind. Paul didn’t make empty threats, that’s one thing she knew for sure. The texts she was receiving were just the tip of the iceberg for whatever he had in store for her.

“Jo? You in here?”

She can barely respond to Alex in between crying and being sick, her body overwhelmed as she tries to keep herself calm. Jo can hear Alex saying something incomprehensible as she begins to hyperventilate, his voice growing further away as her breathing became more ragged.

The last thing Jo registers before everything goes black is Alex holding her against his chest, his fingers threading through her hair in an attempt to calm her as his heartbeat echoed unsteadily in her ears.

When she comes back around Jo’s not shocked to find herself laying in a hospital bed, an IV and monitoring wires hooked up to her pale skin. Before she has a chance to overthink anything though Alex is in front of her, his hands running down her cheeks and wiping away the tears she hadn’t realized had collected there.

“Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve helped you,” Alex’s voice is soft as she meets his eyes, his gaze causing her to melt into another round of tears. “Oh Jo, it’s okay.”

“It’s not! He’s going to kill me, he already knows where I am and this time he’s going to make sure I don’t survive,” Jo chokes the words out, her fingers ghosting over her protruding stomach. “Alex, he's not going to leave me alone until both of us are dead. I can’t put our baby at risk like that.”

The thought almost makes her sick again, her daughter kicking against her hand as she draws in a deep breath. Of all the wild and unexpected things her and Alex had been through, their daughter was by far her favorite. Even with a few weeks left until she arrived Jo already felt a fierce instinct to protect the little girl growing in her womb.

“I’m not going to let him get anywhere near the two of you, I promise,” Alex brushes back a few strands of hair lingering on her forehead, pressing a kiss to the cool skin as he settles into the bed next to her. “You’re safe with me Jo, both of you are.”

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace

Jo wants to believe Alex, she really does. Since her breakdown over Paul’s threats he had been by her side whenever he could. His presence was comforting but it did little to calm the raging mental battle she was fighting inside her head.

Now though, as she stares down at her daughter sleeping peacefully in her arms, she knows that she made the right decision. She just hopes Alex agrees with her.

“She's perfect, you did so good,” Alex had repeated the words over and over since Isla had made her appearance almost six hours ago, but they still prompt a smile on Jo’s face. “I love you two so much.”

“I love you, we both do,” Jo leans up and captures his lips with her own, lingering a little longer than she normally would as Alex’s fingers trace her cheek delicately. “Would you do me a big favor? I left my robe at home and it’s freezing in here. Could you go home real quick and grab it?”

Alex nods, a grin on his face as he stands from the chair at her bedside and gathers his keys and wallet. Jo watches him intently, memorizing every movement and expression that makes him exactly the man she fell in love with. He leans down to press one more kiss to her forehead then Isla’s before promising to be back soon.

As the door to her hospital room shuts, Jo looks down at her daughter, tears splashing onto the newborn's cheeks as her mother watches her, “Your daddy loves you very much, don’t you ever forget that.”

And you're the hero flying around, saving face

“Alex, are you coming to work today? It’s been a week,” Meredith’s voice rings out from the doorway of the loft, but Alex can’t bring himself to answer her. She’d been by everyday since he’d come home, her voice prodding at him the only sound in the loft.

He’d gone home to get Jo’s robe like she’d asked, finally finding it tucked away at the very back of the closet instead of hanging in the bathroom like it usually was. On his way back to her room, he’d stopped in the hospital gift shop and grabbed the fluffiest pink and white teddy bear sitting in the window. He had told the cashier that his daughter had just been born and showed off the photo of Jo and Isla that was already his phone lock screen.

And then he’d gone upstairs, the missing robe and teddy bear tumbling from his hands as he found an empty bed and bassinet, Jo and Isla’s bags gone from the room that they’d occupied not even an hour before when he’d left. He’d asked every nurse and doctor on shift but no one had an answer for him. When he finally made it back to the room, he saw the note hastily scribbled across a spare piece of paper, his knees giving way as he read the words printed in Jo’s recognizable script.

I couldn’t let him find us, I’m so sorry. Please don’t worry, we’re safe.

Love you always.

J & I

He’d sat on the floor of the hospital room until Meredith had come to collect him at the bidding of the nurses on the floor. She’d given him a sympathetic look and held him as he cried, only letting his guard down for his closest friend.

The reality hadn’t truly sunk in until he came home later that night to an empty loft filled with baby gear and the scent of Jo lingering on every surface. He’d screamed then, throwing pillows and couch cushions and anything he could find in an attempt to get some of his emotions out in the open.

It hadn’t helped though, the sadness he’d felt morphing into feelings of anger and helplessness. Alex knew that Jo was acting out of desperation, doing what she truly thought was right, and he couldn’t be mad at her for that. No, his anger was directed at the man that had pushed her to that point, had scared her and haunted her every move so horribly that she’d fled Seattle with their newborn daughter in tow.

As he ignores Meredith for yet another day, Alex let his mind wander to Jo and Isla for a moment. He knows Jo would never run with their daughter if she didn’t have a plan to keep her safe, but just the knowledge that they were out there without him broke his heart.

And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake?

Cursing my name, wishing I stayed

Look at how my tears ricochet

His fingers press down the collar of the light blue button up once more before sliding the black suit jacket over it. He examines himself in the mirror of the hotel room one last time before turning to leave. He’d only been to Seattle once before for a medical conference, but this trip held a much more important air to it.

Brooke, his Brooke, was close. Closer than she’d ever been before and he couldn’t wait to see her again. He was delighted when he’d found her again, even more so when he found out that she was a doctor giving him the perfect opportunity to drop in on her. He couldn’t wait to see the look on her face when he saw her.

We gather stones, never knowing what they'll mean

Some to throw, some to make a diamond ring

When Alex finally makes it back to work he’s met with an abundance of pitying looks and unhelpful comments. He knows most of his coworkers have good intentions but he’s in the verge of screaming at the next person who interacts with him. All he wants to do is work and try and forget that his daughter and the love of his life aren’t waiting for him at home like they should be.

“Alex! I have someone I want you to meet,” Arizona’s bubbly voice almost makes Alex roll his eyes, the blonde not doing much to improve his demeanor since he was in no mood to meet anyone new. “This is Doctor Paul Stadler, he’s an expert on laparoscopic surgery techniques which is always helpful when we have tiny humans to save.”

Alex can feel his blood run cold as he turns towards Arizona and the man standing next to her. Whatever picture he had painted in his head fades as he stares at the man in front of him. Despite his bright grin Alex knows exactly what Paul is capable of, what he had done and threatened to do to Jo.

“While I’d love to meet your whole team Doctor Robbins, I’m not here on business today. I’m looking for Doctor Wilson actually.”

“Oh,” Arizona’s face falls, gaze turning to Alex as his jaw tightens. “Actually she’s-“

“She’s gone, she left,” Alex’s voice has an edge that makes even him flinch at how harsh and cold it is.

Paul eyes Alex for a moment, looking him over before speaking again, “That’s unfortunate. Would you happen to know where she is? I’d love to speak with her.”

“Well get in line then because I've been waiting for her to come home for the past three weeks,” Alex slams the iPad in his hands onto the counter of the nurses station, eyes ablaze as he stares Paul down. “You harassed her for months on end and scared her so much that she ran away with our daughter hours after giving birth.”

Paul attempts to conceal the smirk on his face but fails, causing Alex to step towards him with clenched fists. Arizona steps between the two men, fixing Alex with a hard stare.

“Back up Alex. I know that you’re upset about Jo but-“

“But nothing! He’s the reason my girlfriend and daughter are gone!”

“Okay why don’t you take the rest of the day off,” Arizona’s hands squeezing his shoulders finally breaks Alex’s gaze away from Paul whose face has broken into a full on shit eating grin. Arizona and Alex exchange a look and he can tell she’s holding back her anger now as well. “Alex, go home.”

How can I when they’re not there?

The question echoes in his mind the whole drive back to the loft, Alex’s heart constricting as he sat on the edge of his and Jo’s bed. The loft was still empty, sounds still echoing off the walls as he sat alone. His mind brings up the image of Jo and Isla sitting in their hospital room as he walked away, not knowing that was the last time he’d see them.

He leans forward, reaching into his dresser and rummages around his sock drawer for a minute before pulling out a velvet box. When Jo had told him she was pregnant he’d immediately gone out and bought the ring. Not because of Isla, but because starting a family with Jo was all the confirmation he needed that she was it for him. Now the box sat collecting dust in his drawer, it’s future uncertain as he wondered exactly where Jo was.

You know I didn't want to have to haunt you

But what a ghostly scene

“And this is your daddy and your Auntie Meredith. They love you so much,” despite knowing that the infant couldn’t understand what she said or even clearly see the photo she had pulled up on her phone, Jo made sure that Isla knew about all of the people they loved in Seattle. “Your daddy misses you so much, baby girl. I’m sorry I took you away from him, I know that makes me a crappy mom.”

“You’re not a crappy mom,” Jo looks from Isla to the man sitting next to her, his hand settling on her shoulder as he fixes her with a knowing look. “You did what you had to do.”

“Some days it doesn’t feel like that,” Jo sighs, her head falling to his shoulder as she fights back tears. “I took her from her dad! I took her away from the only family she’ll ever have, Link. And why? Because I’m scared?”

Link pulls back from Jo, meeting her eyes as he speaks, “You had every reason to run, you know that. I’ve seen what he’s capable of, I wouldn’t want to worry about that all the time if I were you. Especially with a newborn, I get it. So don’t feel too bad for yourself, I think you made the right choice.”

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace

'Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave

“Jo?”

The lights in the loft are off but Jo’s car is parked out front. When he switches the lights on Alex sees Jo shoving clothes into a tote bag, tear stains tracking down her cheeks.

“Jo what are you doing?”

"I'm going to Stephanie’s for a few nights, just until I can figure things out.”

Jo’s voice is nervous and she's talking a mile a minute. She still hasn't looked up at Alex but he can see the bright red hives cropping up on her neck already.

"I'm sorry it was an accident but I’m going to

fix it. It's my fault, I'll fix it!”

"What are you talking about,” despite the fact that he's spoken up more than once Jo seems to be in a world of her own.

“Don't worry about it, you don't need more stress,” Jo’s hands are shaking as she closes the bag she's holding. "It's still early, it'll be an easy fix. I'm going to fix it, I have an appointment scheduled."

It clicks for Alex then just exactly what Jo is talking about. He sinks to his knees next to her tilting her chin up so she’ll finally look at him.

“Are you pregnant?”

"I'm sorry, I missed my birth control it was an accident," Jo’s tone is frantic now as more tears begin to fall. "I have an appointment, I'm going to fix it-“

"Jo slow down, I'm not mad so stop apologizing,” Alex wiped at the tears that had collected on Jo’s cheeks. "You don't want our baby?”

Jo blinked up at Alex as if nothing he was saying was making sense to her.

“What's actually the matter Jo? Why were you so scared to tell me?"

“I… I'm married."

“What?"

“I'm married to a guy who nearly beat me to death. And when I got pregnant I thought he'd

be happy and maybe he'd let up, instead he yelled and screamed and then he,” Jo pauses, eyes downcast as she looks down at her hands. “When he was done with me for the night I wasn't pregnant anymore.

“He wouldn't let me get birth control though so the next time I just solved the problem quietly. And when it happened a third time I ran. I ran and changed my name and never turned back,” Jo finally looks up and meets Alex’s gaze, eyes watery still as he watches her. “I had a miscarraige that time, probably because of how banged up I was. But it got me out of there. So when I started having the same symptoms again I freaked out.”

“Oh Jo…”

“Alex, I’m terrified of my past and of losing you and losing this baby… I’ve already lost far too much. I don’t want to lose any more.”

“You’re not going to lose me. I’m all in with you even if it means we never get married. You and this baby mean everything to me. That is if you want it.”

“Of course I do, I want this more than anything. I want kids with you, I really do but…”

“Okay then we’ll do it.”

“Really? You dont think I’m too damaged or crazy?”

“Yes Jo, I want all of that,” Alex pulled Jo into his lap, placing a hand over her stomach as he pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I love you and you’re just about the bravest person I’ve ever met.”

And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake?

Cursing my name, wishing I stayed

Look at how my tears ricochet

The room is spinning when she pries her eyes open, dried blood making the task difficult. She tries to sit up, but the pain radiating from her stomach keeps her down. She knows if she moves she’ll make it worse, but her body is in pain and she can’t lay in this position much longer.

As soon as she makes a move, the pain is back. She thinks it’s his foot that’s making contact with her ribs now, digging into her back as her body curls in on itself.

“Stop! Please!”

The cries are useless, they always are, but she hopes that maybe they’ll convince him to end her suffering sooner or throw the next punch a little softer.

“Please stop! Stop!”

Her shoulders are shaking as she blinks her eyes open again, a pair of blue eyes staring down at her in concern.

“It was just a nightmare, you’re okay and you’re safe,” Link’s words help to steady her heartbeat a little, her eyes moving to Isla who's peacefully sleeping in his arms. “I woke you up because I just turned the news on. Take a look.”

“Former Harvard University professor Paul Stadler was arrested early yesterday morning on charges of battery and assault against his girlfriend, who is still being treated for her injuries at Massachusetts General Hospital. Since his arrest, three more women have come forward with allegations against Stadler ranging from ongoing harassment to physical violence and sexual assault. Boston PD is asking any other victims to contact them at this time.”

Jo stares blankly at the television in front of her, eyes welling with tears as the news footage continues to roll. She wasn’t alone and she was so close to being free from Paul’s hold on her.

“You have to go to Boston, your testimony could put him away,” Link’s voice snaps her out of her reverie, eyes moving from the television to him. “Jo, he’s going to prison. You can finally be free.”

The hope that had ignited her heart just moments earlier was crushed as she played through the possibilities before her. What if she testified and Paul wasn’t put in prison? What if he continued to harass her? What if he hurt Isla? Or Alex?

“I can’t. I can’t face him again… There's too much on the line,” Jo looks away from Link, her tears finally falling. “I have too much to lose.”

“And you’ll be stuck right here if you don’t do anything!”

“At least I’ll be safe then.”

“And what about Alex? You’re okay never seeing him again? Never letting Isla see him?”

Jo stands suddenly, facing Link with an angry expression, “You don’t get to make the calls here Link! I appreciate everything you’ve done for us but I can’t risk everything when there’s not a guarantee that it’ll end up well.”

Jo storms out of the room then, complex emotions overwhelming her as she sinks into her bed. She wishes things were easier, were more black and white instead of the fuzzy grey she’d become so accustomed to. But they aren’t, they never would be with Paul and now she’d dragged Alex and Isla and even Link into the pools of grey she’d spent so long trying to avoid.

And I can go anywhere I want

Anywhere I want, just not home

Alex watched his phone ring for a moment, debating on picking up at all. He doesn’t recognize the number and he doesn’t know anyone from California. But he still clicks the green accept button, hoping whoever it was wasn’t going to waste his time.

“Hello?”

“Hi, I’m so glad you picked up.”

Alex freezes, stares at his phone for a moment, then brings it back up to his ear, “Jo? Is that you?”

“Yeah, it’s me,” there’s a long pause and Alex almost thinks she’s hung up before she begins to cry. “I’m so sorry Alex. I’m so sorry we left you. I didn’t know what else to do.”

“I know, I get why you left. I hate it but I understand,” a sigh leaves him as he rests his head against the wall next to him, tears forming in his eyes as well, “Are you okay?”

“Yes we’re both fine, I wouldn’t have left if I didn’t have somewhere safe to run to,” Jo sucks in a breath, as if her next words are taking everything out of her. “Paul is going to prison.”

“I know, I saw. Are you going to testify?”

“I don’t know. I want to but… There's too much at risk. I don’t want him to hurt you or Isla.”

Just the sound of his daughter's name tugs at Alex’s heart, the tears that had been welling in his eyes spilling onto his cheeks.

“If you don’t go you’re going to be living in fear for the rest of your life. But if you do, you can get closure. And you can save more people from getting hurt by Paul.”

She lets his words sink in for a moment before he hears her voice again, “I miss you so much.”

“I miss you too, you and Isla both,” Alex can hear shuffling in the background, a deep voice and then a small cry.

“I have to go, Alex.”

“Wait Jo-”

“I love you. We both do.”

“I love you too.”

The line goes dead then and Alex can’t help the sob that breaks from his chest. He misses Jo, misses Isla, misses the feeling of wholeness that came to him when he would climb into bed with Jo at the end of every day.

And you can aim for my heart, go for blood

But you would still miss me in your bones

Alex doesn't know what drives him to fly to Boston, but he feels a small sense of relief when he sees Paul Stadler in the defendant's seat. A sick feeling makes itself at home in the pit of his stomach as he watches half a dozen women testify to the horrors that Paul had put them through, detailing the ways he had tormented them. Jo had never gone into detail to him but if what she went through was even half as bad as what he was hearing then he understood why she had gone to such extremes to hide from Paul.

He watches as the final woman testifies and finds her seat again, the courtroom silent except for the prosecuting attorneys whispering among themselves. Finally, one of the lawyers stands and addresses the courtroom, “Your honor, we’d like to call our final witness. The prosecution calls Brooke Elizabeth Stadler, now Josephine Alice Wilson, to the stand.”

Alex feels the air leave his lungs as he watches Jo approach the bench. Her hair is shorter and a dirty blonde color but she’s still the same woman he knows so well. The dark blue dress she’s wearing sways lightly as she takes the stand, stating her name and swearing in before she begins to give her testimony. Jo explains how she and Paul met, how they married, and then she goes into the abuse she endured. Alex listens to the detailed accounts she gives, accompanied by the numerous hospital reports.

“And then one day I got sick of it and I ran. I knew Paul would find me though so I fled the state and changed my name. I started a new life and I have a beautiful daughter,” Jo finally meets Alex’s gaze and he gets the overwhelming urge to wrap her up in his arms and hold her close. “But Paul found me again and he was threatening me so as soon as my daughter was born I ran again. I left behind my new life, the only place I’ve ever felt safe because I knew he would find me again and I couldn’t risk him hurting my daughter.”

The air in the courtroom is thick as Jo’s words sink in. Alex knows he’s not the only one who’s been affected by her testimony and the words of everyone that went before her. The prosecutor thanks Jo, the defending attorney waiving their right to question her. As she steps down from the stand she meets Alex’s gaze for a moment before turning away and going back to her seat.

And I still talk to you (when I'm screaming at the sky)

And when you can't sleep at night (you hear my stolen lullabies)

“Jurors, have you come to a decision?”

“We have your honor,” there’s a tense silence in the courtroom as the decision is handed off to the judge. “We find the defendant Paul Stadler guilty on all charges.” A breath of relief leaves Alex as he turns to look at Jo. There’s tears streaming down her face and the slightest hint of a smile as she looks at him. Before he can get up and go to her though she's surrounded by the other women who had testified, all of them crying in relief.

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace

And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves

She sees him about fifty feet in front of her, his back to her as he stands almost perfectly still. She watches him for a moment, his slumped shoulders and overall defeated attitude and for a moment she feels guilty for what she’s put him through in the past three months. Before she can dwell on the feeling for too long Alex is turning towards her, looking over her with that same sad expression he’d been wearing in the courtroom.

There’s a moment where all Jo and Alex do is stare at each other before she finds herself rushing forward and launching herself into his embrace. His arms are holding her tightly, refusing to let go even as she begins to cry into his chest.

This moment, the feeling of being in Alex’s arms again, is all Jo has wanted since she’d left Seattle.

You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same

“Alex, I’m so-”

“Stop, you don't need to apologize to me,” Alex pulls back from Jo, one hand coming to cup her cheek. “I get it, I understand where you’re coming from. I know why you ran so don’t ever think of apologizing to me. I’m just glad that you’re safe.”

A fresh round of tears springs to Jo’s eyes as she looks up at Alex, “I don’t deserve you. I’ve put you through so much.” Alex blinks down at Jo, not believing what he’s hearing. Their relationship had never been one sided, they’d both supported each through tough situations and had come out stronger at the end. In his eyes this was nothing more than another speed bump.

“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want you back Jo. I love you and all of this? None of it changes how I feel about you,” Alex leans down and presses a gentle kiss to Jo’s lips. “I love you and I’m glad you’re back in my arms.”

And you're cursing my name, wishing I stayed

“Hey! I just heard the verdict!”

Jo turns at the sound of Link’s voice, a wide smile spreading across her face as her best friend comes into view. It’s not so much the blonde man’s presence that makes her grin as it is the infant in his arms. Isla is wide eyed as she looks at Jo, the three month old blinking up at her mother with a sense of wonder.

“Hi baby girl, I have someone who’s very excited to see you,” Jo eagerly takes her daughter from Link before turning and looking at Alex. “Isla say hi to daddy, he missed you sooo much.”

The look on Alex’s face as he takes Isla from Jo’s arms is priceless, tears welling in his eyes as he lets out a watery laugh. The little girl snuggles comfortably into his arms, as if she had done it a hundred times before and Jo can’t help her own tears as they leak onto her cheeks.

“You three get together, I think this moment needs to be remembered.” Alex and Jo both heed Link’s instruction and wipe their tears away to boast wide grins. The photo of the three of them squeezed together after a grueling ordeal graces their family mantle for years to come. Even when there are dozens of other family photos, pictures from Alex and Jo’s wedding, and the birth of their second daughter, the photo of Jo, Alex, and Isla standing in front of the courthouse in Boston remains the centerpiece of their living room as a reminder of the sacrifices they all made to keep their family together.

Look at how my tears ricochet

[dxmedstudent]

After years of taking likely tens of thousands of blood tests and cannulas, it happened. I got a needlestick injury from a HIV positive patient.

But this isn't a sad post, it's a grateful one.

I'm grateful that my patient; a young person with every right to a bright future, has had access to these treatments. Their viral load was recently undetectable; my chance of catching HIV from them is very very low, due to the wonders of modern medicine, and the hard work of my patient. Acccess to good support and treatment not only helps patients, it helps those close to them, and ultimately those looking after them, too.

After a nice chat with my lovely occy health team, I'm taking post exposure prophylaxis to reduce that risk further, because I want to protect myself but also my BF and any kids I have, should I have them. I want to protect my patients and I want to avoid carrying it with me forever, if I can. But I know that we have good treatment and that it is no longer a death sentence.

Modern medicine has made a vaccine for hepatitis B. It's found a cure for hepatitis C. It's delivered medications that allow HIV positive people to reduce their viral level until it's undetectable and they can no longer transmit the illness to their partners. It's absolutely transformed life for HIV patients and granted an almost average life for most patients. We have medications to decrease your chance of getting it, before or after you are exposed. I can't stress how wonderful this all is, compared to what we were facing a few decades ago. Maybe one day we'll have better treatment, or a vaccine, or a cure.

PEP (in my case truvada and raltegravir) is known for its GI side effects; I'm facing a month of nausea and sleep upset; though Ive gotten through the worst of it now. Most days it's fine, and some days I can barely keep my meal down and the nausea is unpredictable. It's very hard to take the medicine at the same time every day, particularly when you switch from night shifts to days etc. Taking medicine etc every day isn't easy, so we really need to appteciate how much our patients do.

But I'm lucky to get this chance. Around the world most people don't get to prevent their infection or mitigate risks once they are exposed.

I'm grateful that we understand HIV better, and that we are learning to stigmatise it less than before. I have a supportive family and partner who arent treating me any differently. 30 years ago HIV would have been equated with deviancy and caused people to be ostracised.  It still is, in many communities.  The LGBTQ community has had to work hard for much of the progress we've made, and many people around the world continue to try to make HIV transmission a thing of the past.

I thought hard about sharing this bit of my life; it's a part of working in healthcare we can't avoid, and I want to do my bit to end the stigma against those with HIV.

I have my blood tests in a couple of months' time, so we'll see what happens. But I feel lucky to have had the chance to do my best.

[megalony]

Teacher’s pet- Part 20

So I have about two more parts planned for this Ben Hardy series but I am going to be doing a follow-on series because I love this story and still feel I have more to write for it. I hope you will all like this part, feedback is always lovely to hear.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie​ @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr​ @rogermeddow​ @radiob-l-a-hblah​ @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6​ @rogertaylors-lipgloss​ @sj-thefan​ @omgitsearly​ @luckytrashgooprebel​ @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac​ @vousmemanqueez @jonesyaddiction @rogahs-drowse @milanosaurus @httpfandxms @saint-hardy @7-seas-of-fat-bottomed-girls @mrsalwayswritex @rogerina-owns-me @hellsdragon @im-an-adult-ish @crazylittlethingg @allauraleigh

Series taglist: @im-an-adult-ish​ @gwilymleeisbae​ @k-k0129​ @haileymorelikestupid​ @glittrixvibe @youngpastafanmug​ @ultraviolencezs @kdatthecastle @darlindolan​

Series masterlist

Summary: (Y/n) teaches at the school Ben’s boys go to and they soon start a relationship. But they have their ups and downs with the problems Ben faces with his boys and how quickly the relationship progresses.

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I'm gonna go and see our baby girl now, they said I can finally hold her today."

Ben's fingers slowly and methodically carded through (Y/n)'s hair, moving the strands into waves and brushing them from her face as he talked quietly in a soft voice. He didn't know if (Y/n) could hear him or not, she was sedated but he knew that some people in comas could still hear voices around them so he hoped that even though (Y/n) was asleep, she could hear his voice.

He had spent most of the morning here with (Y/n), holding her hand, brushing his fingers over her skin to try and show her he was still here and talking to her in case she was listening. But now he had to go and see their daughter before he went home to the boys.

Every time he left (Y/n) here he felt guilty and in pain because something could happen when he left and he didn't want anything to happen when he wasn't here. And if felt awful to leave (Y/n) here on her own and he didn't like being apart from her, but he had to go and be with the boys until everything settled and he could bring (Y/n) home.

"I'll be back tomorrow, baby." He pressed his lips to the top of her head, tangling his fingers in her hair as he was desperate not to let her go.

It hurt that Ben couldn't wrap his arms around (Y/n) or kiss her or even talk to her. He wanted to take her home and have everything be as it should. Ben wanted (Y/n) in his arms, he wanted her and his daughter in his arms in a hug and he wanted the boys at home with them and for them to be the family they should be. He didn't want (Y/n) to be ill and in pain and their girl to be stuck in an incubator without her family surrounding her every hour of every day.

The moment Ben got out of the room he just wanted to turn back around and go lay with (Y/n) but he knew if he did that then he wouldn't leave.

"Ben, how is she today?"

He didn't get more than two feet away from (Y/n)'s room before his eyes suddenly locked on her mother heading towards him.

The first time Ben had met Alicia was worrying for him since he had met her only a month before he and (Y/n) found out they were going to have a baby. He had no idea how she would react to her daughter being in a relationship with someone who already had three children of his own, he knew it wasn't the best kind of image or the best situation her parents would want for her. But he had been more than surprised when her parents had taken to him straight away and Alicia was very welcoming to the boys, she was practically another grandmother to them already.

It crushed Ben more than anything when he had to ring (Y/n)'s parents and explain that (Y/n) had suddenly taken a turn for the worst after he had told them she was recovering well the night before.

And it was too hard for Ben to stay with (Y/n) when her parents came to visit her. They came every day like Ben did but he made sure they had time alone with (Y/n) or else he didn't know what to say, where to sit or how to act. All he wanted to do was sit beside (Y/n) and hold her hand and suddenly make her better but he didn't feel comfortable when her parents were in the room. He couldn't cry in front of them either.

Ben was engulfed in a rather comforting but still crushing hug the moment Alicia was in front of him.

(Y/n) always told Ben that he had charmed her mother almost like he had charmed (Y/n) herself. His smile won Alicia over and his nature and just generally how he was made Alicia accept him into their family straight away.

"They're keeping her sedated, she got too distressed when she was awake with the ventilator and she's still on a lot of antibiotics... but the doctor said her heart isn't affected, so that's good." Ben scratched at the short hairs at the back of his head before he rubbed his hands over his face, trying to wake himself up a bit more.

When (Y/n) had woken up early in the morning, they had to sedate her because it was distressing for her to try and move and realise that she couldn't breathe. Feeling a tube stuck down her throat was too much for her, especially when it made her focus on her lack of breathing and she couldn't communicate without panicking. It was kinder and safer to keep her in a sleeping state, at least until she started to recover.

But the sepsis was still attacking her system and her lungs weren't working on their own. The antibiotics were treating the infection (Y/n) had gotten after labour but they couldn't control the sepsis. The only good news they had right now was that (Y/n)'s heart was still strong and wasn't effected by sepsis because if that happened, her chances would be next to none.

"Well s-she needs the rest... how's the little one doing?"

It was clear that Alicia was about ready to burst into tears but she was doing her best to push the tears back and keep her voice under control. (Y/n) was her only child, she had no other kids so (Y/n) had been her world and Alicia didn't have much other family other than her husband and her sister. If she lost (Y/n) she wouldn't have anyone around her except for Ben and her granddaughter and the boys.

Alicia had been to see her granddaughter along with (Y/n)'s dad, Jeremy, they visited the baby every day they visited (Y/n).

"They're letting me hold her today, I just can't do the birth certificate yet... (Y/n)'s supposed to be picking her name."

Ben could feel a bad headache forming behind his eyes, causing him to rub ferociously at his eyes to try and relieve the feeling. Their girl was four days old now and by this time Ben usually got the birth certificate sorted but he couldn't do that when he didn't have a name for her. He and (Y/n) had three names but they never managed to decide on one before labour happened early. Ben picked the name for all three of his boys and he said he wanted (Y/n) to be the one to pick the name for their daughter but right now she couldn't so he wasn't getting the certificate done until (Y/n) was better.

"There's plenty of time for that. I'll visit her after I sit with (Y/n) for a while, and if you want to stay here with (Y/n) at any point, you just ring me and those three boys can stay with me. You know I think of them as my own."

Alicia rubbed her hand up and down Ben's arm as a silent look of appreciation filled his eyes before they parted ways. He couldn't carry on this conversation without wanting to cry and it was very clear to see, Alicia didn't want to push either of them too far. Ben knew and appreciated that she would look after the boys whenever she could because she thought of them as her own grandkids. But Ben had to be at home with them as well as being here with (Y/n) because the boys were starting to get worried and he couldn't have that.

It was only a short trip from (Y/n)'s room down to the neonatal unit where is girl was and it was a route Ben walked three or four times a day. Switching between seeing (Y/n) and their daughter before he went home and spent the night with the boys before coming back to the hospital as early as he could.

When Ben reached the room that held four other newborns as well as his daughter, he headed straight over to his little girl and where a nurse was doing her routine checks.

"Mr Jones, are you ready to hold baby today?"

Ben nodded his head, finding a smile already on his lips just at the thought of having her in his arms. The moment she had been born she was taken out of the room to be looked after and she'd had a tube down her nose to help her breathe since she inhaled some fluids. But now she just had an IV for some nutrients and a few monitoring clips and stickers to check her vitals.

Doctor Mills had checked up on her yesterday and said she just needed the incubator for another week to make sure her lungs were developed enough to work properly on their own. So Ben could take her home in just over a week.

At least one of his girls was okay.

Ben tried to stop his leg from jittering up and down when he sat down, anxiously waiting for that strange yet intoxicating feeling of holding his baby for the first time.

When he first got to hold Carter, Ben had never felt a wave of emotions like that before. He didn't want to put Carter down, he just wanted to sit and hold him for the rest of his life. Then when he had James it was the same emotions but more intensified, he had another life depending on him and another boy he could cherish and look after. Finn was the smallest of all his boys, he felt like a little baby doll in Ben's arms, the kind he remembered playing with as a kid. Finn was so small and delicate but he had been beautiful.

After Finn, Ben had been sure that he had all his kids. He didn't think he would want or even get the chance to have another child, especially not after things between him and Lucy evolved in the worst possible way.

But here he was now, about to hold his fourth child, his first daughter.

The moment she was placed into his arms, Ben felt a shiver running down his spine and tingling throughout his body. He thought Finn had been his smallest child but his daughter was here, proving him wrong. She was four pounds and three ounces which was definitely underweight considering the average baby was supposed to be around seven pounds.

But she was perfect.

She had a tiny button nose that didn't reflect Ben's bumpy, slightly crooked nose that both Cater and James had inherited from him. Her hands were tiny but formed behind the rose pink mittens stuck on her hands so she didn't scratch her face. Her body fit along the expanse of Ben's lower arm perfectly and the way she curled up in his arm made him grin. She tucked her face into his chest and it tickled when Ben felt her nose brushing against his skin through his shirt.

"Hey, girlie. We don't have a name for you yet, but I'll talk to your mummy about that soon. She's so desperate to come see you when she's better, and the boys are all in love with you already, even Finn says your so pretty. My first girl."

Ben slowly brushed his finger across her cheek, smiling at the way it made her head lean into his touch before it seemed to tickle her. When he brought the boys to see her yesterday, all of them had been in awe of their little sister. Carter looked like he wanted to pick her straight up and cuddle her, James had reached his hand out to take hold of hers. And when Ben picked Finn up so he could see her, the first thing he said was that she was very pretty and sweet even if she was very small. They all seemed to instantly take to the thought of a sister now that she was here with them.

All they needed now was for (Y/n) to get better so she could hold her daughter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Buddy, come on it's past your bed time, you need to try and settle down you have school tomorrow." Ben tried his best to sound sympathetic and understanding but it was hard when he didn't have the patience or the effort left in his system.

It was half past ten, both James and Finn were fast asleep in their room and all Ben needed was for Carter to either settle down or for once, actually fall asleep. They all had school tomorrow and Ben needed to try and calm his own mind down because he had to take them to school then go to the hospital to see (Y/n) and their baby.

Ben had seen this coming. He had seen the state Carter was in after his mum dropped the boys back home, he was anxious and hyper and that was a big sign that he wouldn't settle tonight.

"No, I don't wanna." Carter shook his head with a defying look on his face before he planted himself down on the sofa.

His eyes followed Ben's movements in the same way they normally did when he tried to defy his dad. He didn't look anxious or irritated, he looked blank like he didn't know where he was or what he was doing. Carter watched what Ben did in case his dad was really riled up and to see what he could get away with doing. He watched Ben down the last bit of beer in the dark brown bottle in his hand before he got up and moved to put it in the kitchen.

But the moment Ben came back into the living room, he turned the tv off and looked at Carter expectantly. He knew well enough to know that Ben wouldn't let him sit up and watch tv all night when he had school in the morning. Even if Carter wouldn't be tired if he stayed up all night, it still wasn't good for him and would break his routine of trying to settle for the night.

"Carter, listen to me. I'm tired, okay? I'm knackered, I've been at the hospital every day for the last five days and then I'm coming home to be with you boys. I can't sleep either but I need you to keep your routine, I can't deal with you being unsettled from no routine."

If Carter didn't have a routine it unsettled him because routines helped to calm him down and give him structure. (Y/n) and the baby being away in hospital and Ben running between home and hospital definitely didn't give Carter routine or structure. So Ben had to keep that routine for Carter wherever he could and right now that was keeping him at school, bringing him home and keeping set times for getting up and going to bed.

"No, you just want to deal with mum and not let me see her. I miss her and I can't sleep, I wanna go see mum! I wanna see my mum!"

Carter stomped his foot down on the carpet as he stood to his feet, his height making him just below Ben's shoulder. Carter had trouble sleeping but he was normally fine with laying down and thinking until he fell asleep. But when he was anxious like this all he could think about was what was worrying him and that was (Y/n). He thought about her and how he hadn't seen her in over five days but Ben saw her everyday. He missed her and he was jealous and angered that he couldn't go and see her yet.

"Carter she's ill, I have to be there and make sure she's getting better you know that-"

"I wanna see my mum-"

"I wanna see her too!" The way Ben's voice rose and his words bellowed back at Carter made the eldest boy take a step back. He wasn't expecting Ben to shout at him and he certainly wasn't expecting him to say that.

Ben saw (Y/n) every day so far, he did see her whereas the boys didn't get to, Carter didn't understand what he meant by that.

"Every second I'm away from her I want to go back to her Carter because she's sick! I wanna see her wake up and look at me and talk to me and kiss me and just to hold her. But I can't because every fucking second I'm with your mum, she's asleep because she is so fucking ill she can hardly breathe. I miss her even when I'm sat next to her because it doesn't feel like she's there, do you get that? If I take you to see her you'll get upset and when I go see her I cry so no, you can't go see her and I'm fucking sick of all this shit."

The tears that fell from Ben's swollen, red eyes made Carter start to cry silently because he never saw Ben cry. It was something that hardly ever happened and it showed him just how poorly (Y/n) was and how badly it was hurting Ben.

"I want your mum home with us and I want your sister here too, she's at the hospital all alone until I can go hold her. She's my daughter and I can't look after her like I did when I had you boys and it kills me." Ben's tone softened like slowly melting butter and his voice was quieter when he realised he had scared Carter which he never meant to do.

His daughter was all alone in the hospital without her family and even though she wouldn't understand what family was, Ben knew she would have that maternal and paternal instinct and know who he and (Y/n) were. When Ben had the boys they were all home within two or three days and he was looking after them. But with his one and only girl, she was at the hospital without her family and that cut Ben up into pieces.

"I miss mum."

Those three words were the only ones Carter could think of and could manage to say. And the moment they registered in Ben's ears, he went down on his knees in front of Carter and engulfed him in his arms. It didn't and would never matter to Ben how old any of his children were, he would always want to pick them up in his arms and cuddle them like they were all still toddlers.

He picked Carter up and stood to his feet until the eleven-year-old wrapped his legs around Ben's hips and tucked his head into Ben's neck, breathing in his scent which started to calm him down.

Ben kissed the side of Carter's head, moving one of his hands so he could slowly smooth his fingers over the hair at the back of Carter's head. No words were spoken between the pair as Ben silently headed out of the living room and made his way upstairs to his room. If Carter wasn't going to sleep and Ben didn't think he was either, the best option was for them to stay together and try to settle and calm down. They both needed comforting right now.

Carter stayed clinging to Ben like a monkey even when Ben laid down on the bed with his upper body leaning up against the cushioned headboard. Carter put a bit of strain and weight onto Ben's chest as he laid on his front but it didn't bother Ben, he just wanted to hug his son.

"I... I heard the new teacher talking about mum today." Carter kept his face buried in Ben's neck as he spoke but he was clearly calmer when Ben continued to run his hand through his hair.

"Yeah, what did they say?"

"She told the class that mum had her baby but is poorly so she won't be at work for a few months."

"No, buddy she won't be at work for a few months because when a person has a baby, they get time off to be with their baby. If your mum wasn't sick she still would have time off, she has to look after your sister. She's just in the hospital still because she's poorly."

Carter clearly worried that (Y/n) was going to be in the hospital for months with what he had heard the supply teacher say but that wasn't going to be the case.

"Mum is gonna get better... isn't she?"

"Yes she is, I promise."

[fandom-puff]

Enough

Pairing: Tommy Shelby x reader

Requested by: anon

Prompts: “I‘m never going to be good enough for you, am I?” (49 from list 2)

Summary: you’re not a barmaid. You don’t train horses. You’re nothing compared to the other women in his life

Warnings: swearing, arguments, very brief harassment

“YN!” John’s voice rang out from the side room. “Come ‘ere, girl, come and sit with us!”

You smiled weakly at him. He always tried to include you. “A-Actually, I was just heading home,” you said softly, walking over to him, ignoring Tommy pouring out a gin for May Carleton.

“Don’t give me that bullshit. Is it Finn? D’you want us to tell him to fuck off? We know he’s off putting- oi, Finn, go play with the other kids, yeah, fuck off,”

You giggled slightly. “No... it’s not... it’s not Finn, you can sit down,” you said, and the youngest Shelby grinned at you in thanks.

Esme, johns wife appeared at the door. “You can sit with me if you like. Lord knows I need some female company while him and Arthur are playing cards,” she smirks, jabbing him in the rib with her elbow.

You smile softly and give in. “Fine,” you said. Once the door was shut, you leaned to Esme, murmuring, “you’d think you’d have plenty of female company what with Tommy bouncing between Mrs Carlton and the barmaid,”

John overheard and snorted into his whiskey and esme glared at him. She looked at you sympathetically, and said in a hushed voice once the boys were distracted by cards again, “you still love the fucker, don’t you?”

Signing, you looked down to your lap, fidgeting with your hands. “Mm-Hm,” you confirmed. “He just... he confuses me so much. He cuts it off with me after the war, saying he needs space when really he was chasing that barmaid spy... she fucks off after he has her, and he comes back to me for a quick one. I was a fool to let him, because not two weeks later it’s May Carlton this, May Carlton that,” you sigh, pinching the bridge of your nose, hating to admit that you were jealous. But underneath that, you felt vulnerable. Inadequate.

“He’s a cock, YN,” esme said, rubbing your shoulder gently.

“Who’s a cock, Es?” John asks. Nosey bastard.

Esme sighed softly. “Thomas. Flaunting the horse woman round YN. Says she was born riding, but I bet she’s only ever ridden Fillies she inherited. Never had to break one in herself,” she rolled her eyes.

John and Arthur looked at you, smiling sympathetically. “If it’s any consolation to you, YN, we prefer you over an Irish spy or some posh woman any day of the week,” Arthur said. “You were with Tom since you were sixteen, and since he er... broke things off... he’s been a right dick,”

You smiled softly. Arthur and John would’ve made such lovely brothers in law. “Thanks, boys,” you sighed. “But it’s not... it’s not that I’m mad at him for seeing other women, he can do what he wants. It’s the seeing me in between and then ignoring me. I-I know I’m no good. I know I’m boring. I know I’m useless. Just... he doesn’t seem to be arsed about how I feel, even though I care so much about him. It’s like rubbing salt into an open wound- I don’t even know why I’m talking about this to you lot of all people,” you let out a high, nervous laugh. Esme patter your back as John and Arthur each reached to squeeze one of your hands reassuringly.

“What’s going on?” Tommy asked, the door now what as he slipped into the room. May was nowhere in sight.

“Where’s your girlfriend, Thomas?” Esme spat. You were glad for her venemous tongue sometimes.

Tommy rolled his eyes and barely regarded his sister in law. “May Carlton has left small Heath to go back to her home,” he said bluntly. “To tend to my horse,”

“Even though you’ve got Curly here. He’s the best at horses,” you blurted, without really thinking.

“Yn,” he pinched the bridge of his nose. “What would you know about horses?”

His words stung. He had taught you how to ride when you were 16. He’d taught you how to tell what a horse was feeling, how to calm a nervous mare, how to get a horse to behave without taking to the crop or the whip. In your letters while he was in France you always made sure to tell him how the horses in the yard were getting on, and he told you about the beautiful chestnut stallion he had seen, the dappled mare which the commander rode. “Only what you taught me,” you whispered, tears pooling in your eyes. “Only what you taught me before you went off to France. Before that fucking war and then that fucking copper ruined everything,” you pulled away from esme’s comforting pats, from John and Arthur’s sympathetic gaze, from Finn’s baffled look. You stared at tommy, taking a deep breath to say something scathing, but could only manage a small sob.

You hated yourself for it. Tommy grabbed your arms but you wriggled from his grasp. “Look, YN, calm down, love, we’ll talk-“

“Love? Love?” You hissed. “You lost your right to call me anything but my name months ago. Don’t you coddle me, Thomas Shelby, because I know exactly what you’re thinking. I‘m never going to be good enough for you, am I? I’m never going to be a pretty Irish barmaid who keeps a pistol in her handbag. I’m never going to be a prostitute you wouldn’t let your brother marry because you wanted her all to yourself. I’m never going to be some rich widow with a big house and a wealth of knowledge about horses. All I gave you, ten years of my life, my innocence, my youth... it was never good enough for you, was it?” tears were streaming down your face.

“Yn,” Tommy said.

“No,” you pushed past him. “Don’t bother,” you slammed the door to the snug. As you walked out of the pub, a man grabbed at your wrist.

“Need some cheering up, darling?” He snarled, Hans tracing your thigh.

“Get your filthy fucking hands off me before I rip your fucking balls off and shove ‘em down your own throat,” you growled, yanking your hand away from him, and storming home.

Men were the worst. All toe rags, you decided.

***

A week has passed since your argument with tommy. Each of the Shelby’s had tried reaching out to you- you were practically a sister to them for ten years before Tommy decided he’d had enough.

You sighed as the door knocked. “As much as I appreciate it Arthur,” you sighed as you took the chain off. “Im really not in the mood to spend my night drinking away my sorrows with you and John- oh. It’s you,”

You immediately looked down, not wanting to look into those blue eyes, that perfect face. That stupid, perfect face.

“YN... look,” he said slowly, carefully. The same way he would coax a nervous filly to trust him. “I’ve been... ive been a bastard, okay. I’m sorry. I still... I still love you,”

You snorted. “Explain that to everyone within a mile radius of May Carlton’s house, hmm?” You said bitterly. “Or to the horse you named ‘Grace’s Secret’”

Tommy sighed. “I know you hate me, YN... but... I love you. I haven’t stopped loving you since we were 16 in my uncle Charlie’s Yard, hiding from your dad. When we used to sit by the cut eating those pretty little cakes you used to make. I used to give you the strawberry off the top of mine, so long as you gave me some of your buttercream. We wrote to eachother every week while I was in France, sometimes twice, three times, even. I still have those letters, YN. You used to put a spritz of your perfume in each one and do a little kiss in all your different lipsticks so it was like you were hugging and kissing me all those miles away,”

As he spoke, he was slowly backing you into your living room, until you were both sitting down. “I didn’t bring you flowers, because I know you only really like them in the spring and summer, because they wilt too fast and look too sad in the autumn and winter. And if it was spring, I would’ve gotten you roses or violets or pansies, because I know lilies and chrysanthemums make you sneeze,” a fresh round of tears slipped out of your shut eyes. You couldn’t bare to look at him under his intense gaze- you knew you’d break down after just a second.

“Tommy,” you whispered softly. It was the first time you’d called him by his nickname in over a year

“I know that you can’t sleep without snuggling into something- blankets normally- but... it used to be me, and I miss it so much, YN,” he said the last part in a soft, quiet voice.

You let out a soft cry, moving to his side, allowing him to engulf you in his arms and hold you tight, the way he held you the night before he went off to war. You cried into his chest, and we’re sure he was crying into your hair for more than an hour, finding long lost comfort in one another’s arms, the way they slotted so well together despite so long apart.

“I want this to work Tommy,” you eventually whispered. “I want it to be how it was,” you felt him not his head.

“No more secrets, YN. No more women. Only you. The only woman I’ve ever truly loved,”

You sighed softly and nodded, snuggling into him the way he pointed out you did. “Come on. Let’s get you to bed, you look like you haven’t slept in days,” he said guiltily, picking you up and carrying you upstairs. As he was tucking you in, you grabbed his hand, eyes suddenly alert.

“Don’t leave me again,” you whispered, squeezibv his hand. He squeezed back, before kicking off his shoes and taking off his belt, sliding into bed behind you, cuddling you close the way you did all those years ago. It seemed the most natural thing to do, and he almost sighed with relief when you snuggled close. He kissed the top of your head gently.

“Never, YN... never again,”

Tag list: @the-makingsofgreatness @peakyswritings @haphazardhufflepuff @diksy1112 @zodiyack @soleil-dor @hiddensapphic @fckingpeakyblinders @snugleo @alittlebirds @satanxklaus @glamsaturn @thegirlwithoutaname87 @queenofmankind @awkwardretro

[animeyanderelover]

could you wrote prompt 17 with paku? im sorry ive just been stalking ur page 😭

Don’t feel sorry for this darling. I’m not angry with you.

Warnings: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, obsessiveness, manipulation, Pakunoda reading the reader’s mind, mentions of kidnapping

Prompt 17: “You’ve been such a good girl lately. If you continue to behave so well I might just reward you. Would you like that?”

What had you gotten yourself into? How had this even happened? When had your lovely girlfriend became a criminal and part of the famous Phantom Troupe? As it appears she had been part of the troupe since a long time. How had you even found that out? Let’s just say...you managed to appear at the wrong time at the wrong place and had witnessed Paku talking to some rather shady looking persons. A girl with pink hair who looked like she hadn’t smiled very often in her life and a man who had looked creepy as fuck if someone ignored the fact how tiny he was. You had been too far away to hear what they had been saying, but you knew that it hadn’t been anything good and had tried to sneak away when the man suddenly appeared right in front of you, giving you nearly a heart attack. Just from looking at him you had known that the gap between your and his strength was enormous. He had looked at you with a look in his eyes that had scared the living shit out of you and had asked you with his hoarse and broken voice who you were and what you were doing here. You hadn’t been able to answer him, paralyzed with fear. He had asked you once again and had told you if you wouldn’t answer him he would kill you. That had been the last straw for you and you had fallen unconscious right then and there, expecting to never wake up again.

But you had woken up again. In a room with which you were very familiar. It was Pakunoda’s bedroom. She had been sitting right next to you, waiting for you to wake up again. As soon as you had sat up she had been quick to hug you and telling you that she had been worried when exactly you would wake up, but you had interrupted her and demanded from her to know who the hell these people had been. Paku had tried to tell you something about that they were old friends from her. You would have believed her if it wouldn’t have been for the fact that the small guy had threatened to kill you and had meant it so you hadn’t believed her. You weren’t the smartest one, but you weren’t dumb either and it had been obvious to you that these people had been some sort of criminals so why had Pakunoda be with them? Was she involved? You bombarded her with these kind of questions, not giving her time to lie even more to you. You had felt betrayed. But she still had insisted that these people weren’t bad and that you had just misunderstood something. That’s when you had snapped and had angrily told her that you didn’t plan on staying with a liar so you just stood up and had left her house, yelling that if you really meant something to her that she wouldn’t lie to you so boldly.

And you had gotten answers to your questions because the very same day she had kidnapped you and had told you the truth. Now you wished you would have just accepted her lies back then. You had felt nothing, but terror when she had told you that she was a member of the Phantom Troupe and that the two guys you had seen her with recently were members as well. Hearing that you had nearly been killed by a troupe member had sent you into pure anxiety and you had suddenly realized in what a situation you had gotten yourself into. You had asked her shaking what would happen to you now that you knew who she really was. She had answered you honestly that she had talked with her boss about this and he had told her that as long as she would make sure that you wouldn’t tell anyone he wouldn’t see you as a threat. When you had asked her what would happen if you would tell someone she hadn’t answered you and had just told you that you shouldn’t think about that, but her undertone had told you exactly what would await you if you would tell anyone. Death.

After that day Pakunoda hadn’t let you out of the house again, wanting to ensure that you wouldn’t get the chance to tell anyone about her or the troupe. When we’re already talking about the troupe, she had introduced you to them after some time, wanting you to meet her friends. This day must have been the most terrifying and interesting day in your life because who gets the chance to see all of the Phantom Troupe members without being killed immediately. Probably only a few. You had clinged to Paku for dear life during this time, not willing to leave her side, especially when you had seen the guy again who had wanted to kill you, Feitan. But you did meet some guys who were more pleasant to be with and if you could choose you would say that your “favs” were Uvogin, Nobunaga, Shizuku and Kortopi. And if you could choose the ones who were your least favorite then it would be without a doubt Feitan and it seemed like that feeling was mutual judging from the way he glared at you. But then again he seemed to always be not in a good mood and you doubted that he had ever laughed or smiled in his life.

You were conflicted about how to feel about Pakunoda now. You still loved her, but locking you up in her house was a bit much to take and you hadn’t even talked about her punishments yet. She had a lot of patience with you and you were sure if you would have been kidnapped by another troupe member you would have gotten in serious trouble for your behavior. But Pakunoda wasn’t them and so you were still healthy and good taken care of. But even the most patient person had a limit and you guess you had gotten a bit too comfortable with her. That had been a mistake because you had found out only after she had locked you up in your room and had taken everything you could have used to pass your time that she possessed the ability to read someone’s mind, meaning you were literally naked for her and had no way to hide your thoughts. You had tried to use her softness for you against her and had planned to escape her, but all she had needed was to swing an arm around your shoulder and ask you if you wouldn’t try anything. You had answered with a no and at first you had been confused when she had suddenly tensed up and looked at you with a disappointed and sad expression. Only after she had thrown you into the room she had told you about her ability and that’s when you had understood that you were doomed. There was no way for you to even think about a way to escape when all that was needed was a touch and a simple question for her to know what you were thinking. It was truly unfair. The worst was that you had been stuck in this goddamn room for at least two weeks and you hadn’t anything to use for some entertainment. No books, no TV, nothing! The only thing you could do was sleeping, wandering around the room or staring at the ceiling.

Currently you did the last one, staring at the ceiling and thinking about your life decisions, asking yourself what you could have done differently to not get into this situation. Your thoughts were interrupted when you heard the door lock being unlocked. You turned your attention towards the door when Pakunoda walked in for her daily checkup. She walked quietly to your bed, sitting down next to you. “How are you?” “Boring.”, you answered her straight away. She chuckled a bit before pulling your head against her chest. You knew what was coming now. “Do you plan anything special?” Here we go again with the questioning. “No Paku. I don’t plan anything.” You didn’t lie. What was the use anyways? Paku knew this as well because you could see a small smile on her face. “That’s good to know.” Your situation was really helpless because as soon as even the idea of a way to escape would come into your mind she would know. She didn’t let go of you and you just assumed that she wanted to spend a bit more time with her. Not like you didn’t like it, her breasts were...soft and comfortable to lay on.

“You’ve been such a good girl lately. If you continue to behave so well I might just reward you. Would you like that?” You tensed up when she said this. Was this a way to test you? Was this a trick? Since she was still in contact with you she read your thoughts and a sigh escaped her lips. “You still don’t trust me?”, she asked with a hint of disappointment in her voice. “You gave me some reasons to not trust you. By the way, you don’t trust me either. It seems like our relationship is lacking the most important thing that it’s supposed to base on. Trust.”, you replied, bitterness audible in your voice. “I really want to trust you, but you just make it a bit hard.”, Paku said. You looked up. “I trusted you once, but you broke that trust when kidnapping me and telling me that you’re a criminal who kills people. But I guess you have your reasons too that I can’t understand since I’m not you and don’t know what you went through in the past. So it’s not my right to judge you, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m upset. And I upset you too so I guess we’re both guilty.” You meant those words and you could tell by the way she tensed up that she was surprised by this. “(y/n).” You hummed and gave her a confused look. “Yes?” “I meant it when I said that I want to reward you. Tell me what you want?”

Wait?! What?! Your thoughts started to race and you felt excited at the thought that you would have something to entertain you with. But what did you want? A book? A CD? A movie? Something to play with? “Only one thing.”, Paku reminded you when noticing your racing thoughts. You tried to calm your train of thoughts down to start thinking clearly. “A new CD?”, you asked her hesitantly. She nodded in approval. “Alright. A new CD.” You felt relief flowing through you. To be honest, if you would have spent a week longer in here without anything to do you were sure that you would have gone berserk at one point. A human can only hold on that long when they have nothing to do.Both of you spent a few minutes longer in this position, your head against her chest and her just holding you close. You were almost sad when she let go and made her way out again, but at least you would have very soon some music to listen to. “(y/n)?” You hummed confused and looked at her. Paku was standing in the door frame and her head turned around to look you directly into your eyes. “Is something wrong?”, you asked her irritated. “You said that our relationship is lacking trust.” “Yes?”, you answered her unsure.

“Do you think we’ll ever be able to build that trust up again?” This question caught you off guard. Your eyes widened surprised. Why was she asking this? And why wasn’t she just asking you whilst having some physical contact with you? Like this she could make sure that you wouldn’t lie to her. For a moment you played with the thought of giving her an answer that would please her and probably lead to you getting sooner out of this room. But then you realized that this was exactly why this relationship had never worked. It was right that she had lied to you, but were you any better when you tried to use her love for you to your advantage? No, you weren’t. So you decided to give her your honest opinion. “I’m not sure. Our situation is very...complicated at the moment. But I guess if both of us try to change that there might change something. But I’m not 100% convinced.” Paku didn’t say anything and you assumed that she was thinking about your answer. Before she closed and locked the door up again she said:”I appreciate your honesty.” You sat stunned there, staring at the door before you realized why she hadn’t tried to read your mind whilst asking this question. She had wanted to be able to trust you without needing to read your mind. That told you something else as well. She was ready to try to trust you again. The question right now was would you give it a try as well and try to work this out with her?